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1Dennis Miller Rants and Monologues
2 
3
4Prohibition
5 "Maybe he deserves a second chance, I mean who did he really hurt
6besides himself? Maybe it's time that we as a nation start staying out
7of people's personal problems and vices. What are we doing spending
8billions of dollars trying to keep people's private lives in order?
9And I'm talking about legal age consenting adults here, not kids, we
10obviously have to take special precautions to protect kids. But what is
11this Orwellian hang-up of ours of sticking our nose into other
12grown-up's affairs? What concern is it of ours if some mindless stoner
13wants to spend his his life hooked up to a Turkish skull bong? Now,
14I'm not pro-drug, they obviously cause a lot of damage, but I am
15pro-logic and you're never going to stop the human need for release
16through altered consciousness. The government can take away all the
17drugs in the world and people will just spin around on their lawn until
18they fell down and saw God.
19
20"Now I don't want to get off on a rant here, but it seems to really
21enrage the vast cheese dog and beer quaffing nation out there when someone
22decides to waste his own life chasing down chemical euphoria and I'm not
23sure why. Our displeasure with someone hell-bent on self-ruination
24through drug use seems really disproportionate to its direct impact on
25us. And as a matter of fact, I believe we amplify that impact when we
26attempt to enforce unenforceable laws. It not only costs us billions of
27dollars, but it puts us in harms way as addicts are driven to crime as a
28means to an end. Why do we chase druggies down like villagers after
29Karlov? Let them legally have what they already have and defuse the
30bomb. You know, I think the hysteria about drugs is often times baseless.
31And this comes from me, a man who has never done cocaine in his life,
32although I did smoke dope upon occasion during my stint as a student at
33Oxford in the late 60s. And you know, the war on drugs is more often than
34not fruitless and patently hypocritical, be honest with yourselves now.
35What drugs are the most dangerous to the most Americans? Its a no
36brainer: cigarettes and alcohol. Those are the statistical champions by
37hundreds of thousands of deaths. And wouldn't you rather shoot a game
38of pool with a guy smoking a joint than a guy drinking whisky and beer?
39Someone smoking a joint doesn't all of the sudden rear back and stab his
40partner in the eye socket with a cue stick, ok? He's too busy laughing
41at the balls.
42
43"And you know as far as harder drugs go, if somebody wants to shoot
44up and die right in front of you, more power to him, you know? It's his
45call. And you know the herd always has a way of thinning itself out.
46We aren't stupid people here in America, no more than anyone else in
47the world, so why are we obsessing on habits that harm no one but the
48habitual, while we let real problems slip ever further out of reach. We
49seem to be willfully turning away from reality, and from logic might I
50add, to punish people, who in many instances are doing an extremely fine
51job of punishing themselves, thank you. And in some cases they're not
52even punishing themselves, but rather just following age old spawning
53instincts that are as woven as deeply into their brain as their need to
54watch Home Improvement.
55
56"Is their anything more fruitless than trying to legislate sexual
57behavior? You know according to the law, you can't even get a blow
58job in Georgia? No wonder Sherman hustled through there. And really if
59you stop to think about it, who is hurt by the time honored unavoidable
60trade of prostitution? Only the guys who pay extra to be hurt. There
61is no sane reason to cling to this archaic legal attempt to curtail an
62activity that will be around until the end of time. You know, you could
63come back to this planet ten thousand years from now and man could have
64evolved to the point where he doesn't even take in nutrition from a
65hole in head anymore, but I guarantee you that he'll still be cruising
66ninth avenue trying to get a knob-shine from somebody named Desiree.
67
68"What sort of perfect harried experiment society are we striving for
69folks? One where you will be forced by the puritanical mentality of
70your pin-headed Gladys Kravitz neighbors into a tightly constricted,
71over-regimented existence? A life safe from the temptations and rewards
72of the flesh? If that's your kink - go for it. But for the rest of
73us, let's save the money we're wasting trying to regulate other people's
74private lives. If an individual wants to smoke a joint, or shoot up, or
75munch blotter like tic-tacs and drop out, let them. All right? Let's
76put the billions we're wasting on a drug war, fought by fitness fanatics
77on steroids and three-martini senators rolling in pork, let's put it
78back in the educational system. Let's free the courts and jails of
79lonely men and broken women who feel the need to buy and sell sex.
80Let's let hookers and their johns have a safe building somewhere off the
81streets, inspected medically and taxed up the wazoo. Let's go on from
82there to tax liquor and cigarettes so that those industries can pay for
83safe one-lane drunk-proof highways and air purification systems. Most
84importantly, let's stop pretending that people are going to lead the
85lives that we tell them to lead. Let's stop pretending that a few
86simple prohibitions on substances and activities will yield up a nation
87of Beaver Cleavers: polite, clean, sexless, and ready to serve their
88fellow man, no questions asked. People are people. They're going to
89with their lives what they want to do, whether you like it or not.
90There is nothing you can do about them that won't break the bank,
91overcrowd the prisons, or corrode an already oxidized judicial system.
92People are perennially going to get fucked up and fucked, and we will
93continue to get fucked over if we don't concede the fact that there
94is absolutely fuck-all we can do about it.
95
96"Of course, that's just my opinion, I could be wrong."
97
98 
99What's Right with America
100You know, normally on my HBO show I come out here week after week and piss on
101everything like a drunk yard cat. You know that. That's my job. I've always
102felt I'm paid to find things that are wrong and then do my best to throw the
103switch on the perimeter floods and light it up. Tonight we're suppose to talk
104about what's right with America. Now I know you've got to burrow pretty deep to
105unearth any underlying confidence in a nation that's sapped of its vigor,
106strafed by violence, and pummeled senseless by the debasement of every
107institution from the Armed Services to Baseball. That being said, Are we gonna
108have some fun tonight?! Yeah, all right. That was rhetorical.
109
110Now I don't want to get off on a rant here, but you know, there's a lot right right with
111America! Nowadays, you just have to look a little harder for it. Sure, we're
112sick of paying for illegal immigrant kids to go to school and we're going to
113stop. But only a country that did it for a while can stop doing it. See? People
114don't ever consider that. And okay, we nearly exterminated the Native
115Americans. Nobody tries to hide that anymore. But we did change our textbooks
116so the facts came out. I mean, who else does that? Only America. And as if
117admitting the truth wasn't enough, we don't even tax their casinos. And us -
118with a 4-trillion-debt! I'm saying not taxing billions in Indian bingo loot is
119magnanimous and should be in the "What's Right with America" column! How's
120about this - in America we let people in prison read, study law, even work out
121so they can get themselves out of jail in much better mental and physical shape
122to resume their lives of crime. A lot of countries treat their criminals like
123animals, like sub-humans, as if they'd done something wrong!
124
125Not America. Not this great country. I'm not a complete ethno-centrist. I went over to France
126earlier this year for a couple of months, to see if I might live there. And
127while I enjoyed my time in Paris, I should tell you that the French hate our
128guts. I cannot believe they actually gave us the Statue of Liberty. They
129must've been throwing it out anyway. Because these people detest us. They look
130at us and we are one, big, collective Jethro bearing down on them, rope belt
131and all. And you know something? In all fairness, we might be hicks, but at
132least we're hicks who tend to our armpits more frequently than once every time
133Comet Kohoutek is in the solar system. These people avoid showers like a blonde
134at the Bates Motel. They had to invent perfume. It wasn't an augmentation, it
135was a defense mechanism. Trust me, when Louis the XIV guillotined you, he was
136doing you a big favor separating your olfactory senses from your brainstem.
137"Yeah, Claude, paint the water lilies a little later. Right now I need you to
138pick up that loofa and storm the pit Bastille, all right?" Thank you, Pepe
139LePeux. I had a cabdriver over there, smelled like a man eating Gorganzola
140cheese while getting a permanent inside the septic tank of a slaughterhouse. I
141said, "Hey, pal. There's an extra five in it for ya if you run over a f***ing
142skunk." So, there'd another reason why this country's great.
143
144We smell better than most. Another reason we're great is because we create things here,things
145of unique beauty, things that unconsciously interweave the American attributes
146of ingenuity, optimism, gluttony, and narrow-mindedness. Things like: "All You
147Can Eat" Restaurants ... The Clapper ... Street-legal, semiautomatic grenade
148weapons that even the Tontons Macoute didn't have ... The Temporary Insanity
149Plea ... Cutting-edge CD-ROM technology used for porno ... deep-fried cheese
150... bans on toy guns ... rain ponchos for dogs ... Orange Julius ... Orange
151County ... beer can hats ... plea bargaining ... being able to plug your
152parents with bullets and getting acquitted ... indeed we're even free over here
153to subscribe to 500 channels of cable only to find out that that piece of shit,
154William Katt's superhero show, is on 498 of them ... You know ... As a matter
155of fact, you want to know what's right with America more than anything? Our
156right to speak out about everything that's wrong with it. And we're all free to
157vent at will-at least for the next couple of days till Gingrich takes over and
158straps the rat cage on our collective face. You know ... this really is a great
159country. Remind yourself of it once in a while. Take the family on Route 66,
160shop at the Galleria, buy a gun, have your breasts enlarged, have your penis
161lengthened, sue your neighbor, eat three Big Macs, drive 120 and pay the
162ticket, visit the White House - or better yet, jump the fence and go meet the
163Prez in person. He likes that. He really really likes that. It's America,
164goddamn it!!
165
166Of course, that's just my opinion. I could be wrong.
167
168 
169Sexual Harrassment
170All right, lets put our cards on the table. We got a dicey little subject this
171week: Sexual Harrassment. Now, its pretty easy for me to come out here week
172after week to do some high concept screed about how, for instance, I think
173violence is bad...oh, well, thank you Dr. Insight ! But this week were
174crotch-deep in a good old-fashioned quandary, arent we? The age old battle of
175the sexes situated in the Circus Maximus of the workplace. Look, I should tell
176you right up front that while I'm sure many of you think of me as the world's
177most insightful hermaphrodite, I am in fact a guy. So I ...so I have to confess
178that my first thoughts on this issue were well, it can't be all that bad, can
179it? Certainly a lot of these cases have to be trumped up, dont they? But then I
180flashed on the fact that much of what goes through my head is shot through the
181dick prism
182
183You know, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but what do I
184really know about what it's like to have some fat, foul-breathed, ham-handed
185boss leaning over your shoulder while you type or laying his hands on your
186waist while you fax something? I have no idea about how it feels to have some
187leering, pawing, needy co-worker breathing down your cleavage while you try to
188keep the best job available in a small town without much opportunity so that
189you can put your kids in clothes without the help of a deadbeat ex-husband;
190that has got to be brutal . So all I can say, is to be really honest with you
191and myself about what I have observed in my forty years of dragging a penis
192around this pebble we call Earth (laughs). And that is this; I think men more
193often than not are probably guilty of a lot of the shit that they are being
194accused of. From my observations, a lot of guys act so badly and so stupidly
195with women in nightclubs and at the beach and on the street, I know that if
196they got some occupational leverage they would probably use it as a come-on.
197 
198
199Why are men like that? Well, because over the years men have written the rule
200book...not all men, sit down, Donahue . But many men have written the rule book
201that says its OK to look the other way when certain members of the male herd
202squeeze, pinch, and demean women. Well now the rules are finally being
203rewritten and as men and women go through this period of readjustment the bad
204behavior is coming back to haunt us, isn't it? Because nowadays were hearing
205more and more stories of men being accused of sexual harassment and
206instantaneously presumed guilty until proven innocent. But just because MANY
207men are guilty it is dangerous to jump to the conclusion that ALL men are
208guilty. All right, now that we understand our game, lets introduce tonights
209dualists; Jones vs. Clinton in the Board of Education building . Do I think
210something happened between them? I most certainly do; he's a powerful man who
211also happens to be a tenth degree horndog (laughs and applause) and you know
212something I think most of you will agree once you get beyond all this faux
213patriotic rebob about besmirching the Presidency with tawdry accusations, the
214fact is Bill Clinton probably achieved emeritus status in the Players club
215while governor of the state of Arkansas . There is too much rumor, too much
216innuendo, and just enough evidence; bottom line, folks, where there's smoke,
217there's friction.
218
219You know, Stephanopoulos must be feeling like the guy that
220Louis B. Mayer assigned to accompany Erryl Flynn around town. Georgie-boy has
221become a sexual Red Adere and it appears our good president was sinking a
222whole lot of wells in the mid-80s . Having said that, do I think he sexually
223harassed Paula Jones? Hard to say and here's why: she did in fact receive
224several salary increases after the incident. Whatever cheesy chicanery went
225down in that hotel room it doesn't seem to have affected her wage-earning
226ability. I also think that it undermines her case a tad that it seems to be so
227much about the MONEY. Seven hundred thousand dollars? How'd they arrive at that
228figure, what's that, a hundred K per inch ? You know something, theres a fair
229to midland chance that old P.J. is a big-haired opportunist propped up by
230small-minded politically thwarted enemies of the President. Now having said
231that the sexual harassment charge might be suspicious; do I think that Paula
232Jones might have been compromised by the clumsy, sophomoric sexual advances of
233a presumptuous Huey not-so-Long type lording his power over a backwoods empire:
234yes I do .
235
236Do I think that Paula Jones could have been embarrassed by the
237highest elected official in her state doing a Lurch impression with his Dockers
238down around his ankles : yes I do. But I would say this to Paula Jones; the
239next time a man drops his chinos in front of you, look him in the eye and say
240Listen, you silly son of a bitch, pull your pants up and start thinking with
241your big head for a change, OK pal? Look, nobody wants to make light of the
242serious crime against women that men commit far too often; but isnt that what
243frivolous complaints like Paula Jones are doing? We've gotta get clear with
244each other on how our respective gender tribes wield sexuality in this culture.
245Because some of this stuff should be a no-groiner.
246
247Here are some guidelines: to the women who are ready to haul the bagboy at the
248
249Safeway into court because he complimented you on your culottes , take the extra second and try to
250differentiate the innocuous from the malicious. And all the men who don't get
251the fact that when she says no she means no, well I'm telling you
252Quest-for-Fire-boy, she means NO , OK? Its over. Pack up your encyclopedias and
253go knock on the next fucking door . Let me also advance the following immodest
254proposal so we can all get on with our goddamn lives: I think we should pour
255all our time, energy, and know-how into genetically engineering a third sex
256that we can both fuck indiscriminately and never feel the need to phone the
257next morning. We could call them...recepticants! And they would heal the world.
258
259And while this solution may seem silly, its no sillier than what were doing
260now; which is a tentative sexual two-step in which neither partner wants to
261lead, neither partner wants to follow, and everybody's feet are getting stepped
262on.
263
264Of course, that's just my opinion, I could be wrong
265
266 
267George W. Bush
268The Russian Prime Minister has declared Space Station Mir too old and decrepit
269to be useful anymore. Naturally, the space station will now begin confirmation
270hearings to serve on George W. Bush's cabinet sometime next week. 
271
272Bush leaned on Donald Rumsfeld to take time off from writing his memoirs of the
273Battle of Hastings to serve as Secretary of defense. Rumsfeld keeps pushing for
274that Star Wars Catapult Defense System, because he's afraid the North Koreans
275might have the crossbow. 
276
277And on Monday, movers went to the Governor's Mansion in Austin, Texas to
278transfer Bush's belongings to Washington. The move itself took very little time
279once workers discovered that Bush had nothing upstairs. 
280
281Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but as a comedian, with George W.
282Bush coming into office, I feel like the owner of a hardware store before a
283hurricane. I hate to see it coming but I have to admit it's good for business. 
284
285I'll take my shots at Dubya, but I actually have high hopes for the next four
286years. I see George W. Bush working hard to keep the ambitions of big business
287and the military in check, and ensure that even the lowest job pays a dignified
288wage. I believe he'll erase the animus that has divided Washington, and bring
289both sides of the aisle together. I also happen to believe dogs can talk if you
290touch them in the right spot, and everyone watching me is happy with their
291body. 
292
293As much as I'm willing to give Bush a chance, I'm a little nervous about his
294intellectual capacity. I mean, at least Clinton had his dick to think with. 
295
296And Clinton did a lot of thinking. If I were Bush, the first day I took over,
297I'd have a convoy of six Rug Doctor trucks come chugging through the main
298entrance of the White House, park right in front of the TV cameras, and start
299dragging their steam-cleaning hoses through the Oval Office door. Well, come
300on. It's got to be like buying Bob Guccione's mattress at a yard sale. 
301
302You can say what you want about Bush, but he's going to surround himself with
303people who are so experienced that they aren't gonna let him eat at the
304grown-up table for a long time. 
305
306And you can't understand the great and powerful Bush without peeking behind the
307curtain at the clever bald man pulling all the levers: Vice President Dick
308"It's Probably Just Gas" Cheney. Now, Cheney's heartbeat skips more than
309Richard Simmons on his way to a Ricky Martin concert. You know, the job of V.P.
310doesn't give you that much to do, so it would be a shame if the very first
311state funeral he attended was his own. But Cheney is also smart, crafty and
312persuasive, so give George credit for putting him on the team. Most
313presidential candidates try to pick a running mate who won't outshine them, but
314who would that be for Bush? Maybe Wilson the volleyball from the movie "Cast
315Away." 
316
317Let's put Bush's cabinet under the microscope, or, as he calls it, "the
318little-stuff-to-big-stuff thingy." 
319
320Now, we do need to cut Bush some slack on Linda Chavez. How could he possibly
321know the woman had a Guatemalan slave? Chavez got out quickly. I guess she felt
322that if people had a hard time with the illegal alien maid, they might respond
323even more negatively to the 30 Haitians assembling "Salad Shooters" in her
324basement. 
325
326Attorney General nominee John Ashcroft will not be able to fill Janet Reno's
327shoes, but then again neither could Shaquille ONeill. But what I don't
328understand is how Ashcroft can be so pro-Death Penalty when he lost his last
329election bid to Mel Carnahan, a dead guy. What's really scary is that most
330people thought Carnahan won the debates, too. 
331
332National Security Advisor nominee Condoleezza Rice has often been described as
333W.'s "foreign policy tutor". Oh, yeah, I love the sound of that. It's nice to
334know we're signing our nuclear arsenal over to a man who needs after-school
335help. Don't you think the fact that he needs a tutor ought to be raising more
336eyebrows than Eminem teaching kindergarten on the planet Vulcan? 
337
338Secretary of Health and Human Services nominee Tommy Thompson says his top
339priorities include overhauling social security and Medicare as well as fixing
340his stupid name. Hey, what kinda guy makes it past forty with a "y" on the end
341of his first name? Hey, Tommy Thompson, nice to meet you, you loser fuck, I'm
342Denny Dennerson. 
343
344For Secretary of State, Bush chose Colin Powell. Okay, no complaints there.
345Nice to see that Bush picked a minority. After all, a minority picked him. 
346
347All in all, George W. Bush has to have had the same reaction that I did after I
348got the job on Monday Night Football. Hey, what in the hell happened here? I
349only applied for the job because I never thought they would actually give it to
350me. So my advice, George, is take your lumps and jump in there. For me it was
351the best thing I ever did, next to this show on HBO of course. Man, it's hard
352kissing two asses at once. 
353
354You know, in the end, it's hard to know what history will make of the second
355Bush presidency. Will it be regarded as an aberration in the electoral process?
356A surprisingly capable underdog effort? Maybe just a placeholder in the strange
357but easy-to-remember Presidential sequence "Bush-Clinton-Bush-Clinton."
358Whatever is to be, there's one thing we know: It's time for Daddy's little boy
359to grow up. George W. Bush's seemingly endless supply of free passes is now
360officially drier than any of the oilwells he once managed. Well, I, for one,
361wish him the best. 
362
363
364Now, I don't pretend to know anything about the Machiavellian intricacies of
365politics, the " one - hand - washes - the - other - that - scratches - the -
366back - that - spanks - the - monkey - that - gives - the - reacharound - " to
367whomever. All I know is, with the Nasdaq numbers acting like they're in a fight
368scene from "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon" and the once-madly-thriving economy
369now teetering like Forrest Whitaker in a pair of Jimmy Choo stilettos, if I
370were Dubya, the first thing I'd do when I set foot in the White House, before I
371unpacked the video golf game, before I started crank-calling my old frat
372brothers, before I snuck up behind Dick Cheney and popped an inflated paper
373bag, the first thing I'd do is get my ass on the phone and send Alan Greenspan
374a four-year supply of Omaha fucking steaks. 
375
376Of course, that's just my opinion. I could be wrong.
377
378 
379Al Gore
380Well, tomorrow George W. Bush moves into the Oval Office and Bill and Hillary
381tell the White House staff, "See you in four years." But what about Al?
382
383
384Now I don't want to get off on a rant here, but Al Gore is about to leave not
385only the White House but the flimsy IKEA lean-to that is the American
386consciousness. He's about to sling his wobbly, too-tight high heels over his
387shoulder and take the morning-after Walk of Shame out of the beer-and
388sweat-stained frat house of Washington, D.C. Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto. 
389
390Tonight, I hope to answer the question, "Who is Al Gore and what are his core
391beliefs?" So, Al, if you're watching out there, stick around, cause this'll all
392be new to you. 
393
394Poor Gore. Desperate for approval, he violated the Number One rule in showbiz:
395Work the shaft. Oh, I'm sorry, that's the number two rule. The number one rule
396is: people hate flop sweat. It doesn't matter what color shirt your handlers
397tell you to wear, Al. If the pits are darker than Ann Rice's dream journal,
398you're in trouble. 
399
400Even the biggest Democratic apologist has to admit that Gore lacked something.
401You'd think the guy who won the popular vote would be well, more popular. Hey,
402everybody knows that winning the popular vote is sort of like winning a
403People's Choice Award. Sure it feels good for a while knowing you've carried
404the three - hundred - pounds - and - up turqoise-collector demographic, but it
405doesn't mean shit if you don't back it up with the Oscar. 
406
407And let's all stop blaming the electoral college system. It's an essential part
408of the democratic process specially designed to make sure that each candidate
409is responsible for making false promises to every American, not just the ones
410in highly populated urban areas. 
411
412So, how did Al Gore come to lose the presidential race? Simple. He ran. The
413ability to come across as warm and genuine to the American public is simply not
414in Al's Westworld wiring. "Al, you lost me at Hello." 
415
416And anybody who watched the debates knew this. It was like watching a pit bull
417try to go duck hunting. He kept trotting back from the pond with nothing but a
418mouth full of bloody feathers thinking he did a great job and not understanding
419why everybody kept on petting the dumbass Texas Labrador with the bandanna tied
420around his neck. 
421
422Al Gore is a supreme intellectual, there's probably nothing he doesn't know,
423except perhaps who he truly is. The problem with Al Gore's intellectualism is,
424he never lets us forget it. And though we value intelligence, nobody likes a
425know-it-all. Sure, I enjoyed reading Proust in high school too, but at least I
426was smart enough to lock myself in the bathroom and tell my parents I was
427masturbating. 
428
429It was painful to watch Al try to emulate Bill Clinton's charming, personable
430style while campaigning on the road. He gave it his best shot, but people got
431the impression he wasn't really paying attention to them. Every time he'd try
432to connect with some guy working in a factory or a waitress in a diner, he'd
433end up nodding his head faster and faster and slowly inching away. His body
434language always reminded me of somebody who's asked directions to the nearest
435gas station, but can't actually listen to them because he's gotta whizz so
436badly. 
437
438Try all he wants, Al Gore will never be Bill Clinton. A leader like Clinton
439only comes calling once a generation. When Bill Clinton spoke to us, he looked
440like he really cared what we were thinking, made us feel smart, made us feel
441good about ourselves and made us think that he would always remember us. That's
442a style that can only be honed by decades of trying to score strange tail in
443cheap, roadside cocktail lounges. 
444
445When it comes to assigning blame for their recent loss of the White House, the
446Democrats are going to be pointing more fingers than the Hindu god Vishnu at a
447Dunkin' Donuts. But ultimately, the problem was simply this: Al Gore came
448across as a phony, and George W. Bush came across as genuine. And after eight
449years of being lied to by one of the smartest men on the planet, a lot of
450people had decided they wanted a president with neither the inclination nor the
451brains to mislead them. 
452
453I'll be honest, I like my presidents to be a little dim.The clever ones get
454bored and try to tamper with my life. Give me a mildly clueless figurehead who
455will meet with the Girl Scout who sold the most Thin Mints, telephone the
456winning Super Bowl team in their lockerroom, fly abroad now and then to watch
457funny foreigners dance funny dances, and most important of all, leave me the
458fuck alone. 
459
460Of course, that's just my opinion. I could be wrong.
461
462 
463English Language
464Midge. Moose. Moose. Midge. You know, alliteration is just one of the quirky
465little twists that one can use to augment the English language. English, for my
466jingoistic dollar: still the creme de la creme of all languages. 
467Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but to listen to all the alarmist
468intellectual Henny-Penny doom-mongers going on and on these days about the
469imminent death of the English language, you'd think the English language was,
470like, ya know, totally dying, or something. Whatever. 
471
472George Orwell warned that banalities in the English language reflect a
473corrupted culture. "Banalities" without the "B" is analities. That's funny. 
474
475English is not just the language of Britain, Australia, Canada, and certain
476parts of Kentucky. It's also the language of business, diplomacy, and
477technology. 
478
479Now, when I say English, I'm talking about what we speak here in the States,
480without the funny accent. Because I don't know what language working-class
481Brits are speaking over there in England, but it isn't like anything I've ever
482heard. I saw the movie "Snatch" over the weekend and I felt more out of it than
483Liz Taylor at the Golden Globes. 
484
485I have always had a deep and abiding love for the English language, from early
486on in life. I've always loved the flirtatious tango of consonants and vowels,
487the sturdy dependability of nouns and the capricious whimsy of verbs, the
488strutting pageantry of the adjective, and the flitting evanescence of the
489adverb, all kept safe and orderly by those reliable little policemen,
490punctuation marks. Wow. You think I got my ass kicked much in high school? 
491
492You can gauge the esteem in which we hold the English language simply by
493telling someone you majored in it. Now, the first thing they do is mentally
494subtract twenty grand off what they think you make. The second thing they do is
495ask you to bring them a menu and tell them the soup of the day. And why not? In
496school, English was the easiest subject to bullshit your way through. There are
497no Cliff Notes for Physics. You can't bluff your way through a Calculus
498discussion just by watching "Calculus: The Movie." But when it comes to essay
499questions, well, you can fake it like a hooker being paid by the moan. 
500
501I understand that English is a protean, evolving language that must constantly
502change in order to remain relevant. But let's not go out of our way to
503appropriate words from other cultures simply to justify making something more
504expensive. Hey, you can add all the Italian suffixes you want, you're not
505fooling anybody over there at Starbucks. It's still just coffee. Now ring me
506the fuck up, you frappaloser.
507
508And Starbuccos is not the only cultural borrower. Doctors tend to lift most of
509their phrases from Greek, which is only fitting since every time I go to see
510one, he somehow feels the need to spend the afternoon spelunking around in my
511ass. All I know is if Hippocrates had been born someplace other than Athens,
512they would have come up with an easier way to check my prostate than drilling
513me like theyre George Bush and my ass is Alaska. 
514
515I wouldn't be so worried about the fate of the English language if more of us
516could speak it properly. Forget Stone Cold Steve Austin or the Rock, if you
517want to see real wrestling, watch our newly elected president pronounce the
518word "unilateral." 
519
520Love the guy or hate him, you have to admit that when Bush is speaking
521unscripted, the English language disintegrates like cotton candy in a monsoon.
522Even he looks like hes surprised at whats coming out of his mouth, kind of like
523Malkovich when he had that puppeteer inside his head. 
524
525Folks, the English language is very much alive. From where I'm standing, our
526mother tongue is kicking ass and taking names. It's large and in charge,
527bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, full of piss and vinegar and ready to open up a
528big ol can of whup-ass. It's calling the shots, it's bouncing and behaving,
529it's all up in it, and it's all that and a bag of chips. For the love of God,
530somebody please tell me what in the hell I'm talking about. 
531
532Now, while I have upon occasion been labeled the E.B. White of the word "fuck,"
533you do have to admit that I went an entire football season without saying it.
534Take it from a connoisseur, it should be used sparingly, like saffron in a
535fucking paella. 
536
537See--the word "fuck" is a beauty, isn't it? From its fricative genesis,
538blossoming into its ripe, rich middle until its cruelly truncated in its prime
539by a merciless, glottal stop... In all of its earthy, salty, illicit
540Anglo-Saxon glory, "fuck" is almost as satisfying to say as it is to do. 
541
542Now, some would say I contribute to the coarsening of the English language
543through my casual use of profanity. To those critics, I would respond that my
544discourse merely exemplifies the vaunted precedent of valorizing the oral
545vernacular. I would further add that language is a living tissue, which must
546occasionally suffer the rupture of subversion in order to convalesce with more
547structural stability. So to those guardians of the linguistic gates who charge
548that I shoehorn the F-word in wherever I can, merely to further a rather
549tenuous career built entirely on a profane house of cards, well, why dont you
550just go fuckerize yourselves. 
551
552Of course, that's just my opinion. I could be wrong.
553
554 
555The Lure of Show Business
556Hey, is there anybody nowadays who doesnt want to be on TV? Sometimes even on
557two different shows in completely unrelated fields where his option has just
558been picked up for two years in one unrelated field and hes shamelessly using
559the other field to suck applause marrow out of the helpless behavior-mod rats
560stuck in his studio audience only because they unluckily stumbled into a
561Partridge Family bus outside Manns Chinese Theater? 
562
563Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but while show business from the
564outside may seem like a nonstop whirlwind of gorgeous people, fabulous clothes,
565sparkling parties and spectacular homes, the reality is exactly that. Sorry,
566folks. I wish I had some balm to soothe you, but I don't. It's fucking awesome.
567
568
569From Balinese shadow plays to bullfighters in Madrid to the porn studios of the
570San Fernando Valley to The Craig Kilborn Show, the only human desire more
571universal than the urge to put on a show is the urge to get paid for it. 
572
573Show business is rife with paradox. It's brutally competitive and yet attracts
574people with egos as fragile as Strom Thurmonds hip. There's no doubt about it,
575show business lures the people who didn't get enough love, attention, or
576approval early in life and have grown up to become bottomless, gaping vessels
577of terrifying, abject need... Please laugh. 
578
579What draws the average person into a career in Show Business? Simple--they want
580to get laid. Take any one of the Backstreet Boys or the kids from N Sync and
581put them behind a deli counter with a paper hat and day old meat stains on
582their apron, and the only spears they'd have their hands on would be Vlasic
583Kosher Dills. 
584
585Sometimes I'll be flipping through the channels on my dish and I'll happen upon
586this television show from Iraq called "The Chabab Abeeely Program." And this
587guy Chabab Abeeely looks really self-satisfied, singing, dancing, giving away
588the Chabab Abeeely home game to the Chabab Abeeely studio audience, and I
589always wonder: Does Chabab Abeeely really think he, Chabab Abeeely, is in show
590business? Do you, Chabab Abeeely? 
591
592Why did I want to get into show business? For the same reason Chabab Abeeely
593did. In hopes of being immortalized by the no-frills
594Raymond-Chandler-if-he-had-no-talent narrative of the E Channels
595smoke-enshrouded A.J. Benza. Hey, A.J. Violation of the Peter Principle. Ain't
596it a bitch? 
597
598In the early eighties, I worked comedy clubs across the country nearly every
599week of the year. Many times I drove fifteen hundred miles at a time in a
600rusted out AMC Pacer with tires balder than William Shatner fleeing his house
601during a 3 AM earthquake, and a blinking dashboard warning-light that said "Hey
602Asshole, Somethings On Fire And It's Not Your Career" All this just for the
603privilege of sharing a skanky one-bedroom apartment-slash-gulag with two other
604jerkoffs in skinny, crinkle ties, one of whom invariably had a cough so bad
605that a Welsh coal miner would tell him to get it checked out, and the other of
606whom was constantly bragging about getting laid by two different chicks every
607week for the past six years and screamed like Lawrence of Arabia galloping into
608Aqaba every time he tried to urinate. 
609
610And yet, being in show business has its drawbacks... The other day I was at one
611of my favorite eateries, and I got interrupted in mid-bite by someone asking
612me, "Are you" And I said, "Yes, I'm Dennis Miller. Can we do this later?" And
613he said, "Do what later? I wanted to know: Are you finished with that ketchup?"
614The point I'm making is, if you're in show business, the only thing worse than
615getting interrupted for an autograph during a meal is not getting interrupted
616for an autograph during a meal. And when you begin to have more uninterrupted
617meals than Rudolf Hess in Spandau, it's time to consider another line of work.
618
619Trust me, you don't want to overstay your welcome in this town. Because you
620start to panic and everyone begins to see those rivulets of sweat running down
621your forehead, dripping off your chin, and it unnerves them, because they are
622then reminded of their own tenuous little toehold on the steep, shale cliffs of
623success, so they'll take any opportunity to loosen your pitons, causing you to
624plummet backwards onto the jagged rocks at the base of the Piedmont and impale
625yourself on a stalagmite where the others still in the game can then watch the
626carrion birds feast on your exposed, still-warm entrails. [SING] "Theres no
627business like showbusiness!" 
628
629And in show business, it can take decades to become an overnight success, and
630only moments to be considered a lifetime failure. Ask Vanilla Ice. If he'll
631come out from under your car at Meineke. 
632
633And don't think you can sleep your way to the top, because I guarantee you,
634somebodys going to try to fuck you while youre sleeping. And the casting couch?
635A total myth! There is no couch. Trust me, it's never anything more comfortable
636than a rented card table covered in head shots ... Or so I've heard. 
637
638Listen, I would recommend this business only if you absolutely must receive
639constant attention to be happy and fulfilled and you have already proven
640yourself unqualified for a more pleasant profession like being a medical test
641subject. Yes, the highs can be dazzling, but the views they provide are often
642straight to the bottom of the chasm ahead of you. I am sorry, young dreamer,
643but I cannot encourage you to join me in this difficult, wearying life, because
644I fear for your financial well-being, I am concerned about your mental health,
645I tremble at the pain you might cause yourself and your family, and most
646importantly, I sure as shit don't need any more competition. 
647
648Look, bottom line, no matter how glamorous it appears to be, show business will
649always be a grueling and frequently humiliating industry. And you know what? I
650don't care who you know, you never start out at the top, no matter what
651business you're in. First you're given oil wells, then you're given a baseball
652team, and then, and only then, are you given the White House. 
653
654Of course, that's just my opinion, I could be wrong.
655
656 
657The Age of Intolerance
658Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but this country's so intolerant
659right now, they might as well change the plaque at the base of the Statue of
660Liberty to read, "Go the fuck back to Fuckatania." 
661
662Listen, I will accept anyone's lifestyle, appearance, belief or idiosyncrasy
663just as long as they don't ask me to pay for it or wanna sit next to me on a
664plane and talk about it. 
665
666What I do object to are fringe groups who go beyond the notion of tolerance and
667demand our approval. Sorry, but if you move in next door to me, and one day I
668look out my window and see your wife cutting the lawn with her teeth because
669she's a sheep, don't expect me to bring a covered dish over when you two
670reaffirm your vows, okay? 
671
672Intolerance leads people to do strange things: go to war, burn books, riot at
673soccer games, and eschew lactose, and there's never any logical reason. Most
674arguments made by intolerant people have all the consistency of space shuttle
675Thanksgiving gravy. 
676
677Why can't anyone just shut up and listen anymore? Whatever happened to the
678genteel art of sitting back and letting someone go on and on thinking he's
679right while you bask securely in the power of the knowledge that he or she is
680completely full of shit? 
681
682Now, as mentioned earlier, today's poster boy for intolerance is Eminem. I
683don't think there's really anything that damaging in Eminem's lyrics. He's no
684more dangerous than a bleached-blond Chihuahua chewin' on an old dishrag.
685Eminem doesn't upset me. You know why? Because he wants to upset me. Does his
686rap instill hate and inspire intolerance? All I can say is, not in me. As a
687matter of fact, it does the opposite. The more he talks about hating
688homosexuals, the more I urge gay inclusion in all aspects of society. The more
689crudely he rages against women, the more I crave their company and counsel. The
690more he casts blame on corporate responsibility for global warming resulting in
691the dangerous shrinking of the polar ice cap, the more I realize that you now
692know that I'm totally full of shit and have never even listened to his music. 
693
694You see, the danger inherent in fighting intolerance is that often those
695attempting to eradicate it end up practicing it, only in a mutated,
696once-removed form. Liberals in particular are guilty of this supposedly
697well-meaning recidivism. Honestly, it baffles me that the same people who blast
698away at President Bush's selection of a religious conservative for Attorney
699General won't give George W. any kudos for other cabinet choices which include
700blacks, Jews, Asians, Hispanics and women. Does a fundamentalist Christian not
701also represent a valued strand in our collective fabric? Who's really being
702intolerant of other peoples differences here? And by the way, who cares if
703Ashcroft's religion prohibits him from dancing? Who wants to see John Ashcroft
704dancing anyway? After all, I hear he was born with two right feet. 
705
706And as far as Senator Teddy Kennedy's quavering voice of righteous indignation
707constantly howling like a beagle at a Rick Wakeman concert at the prospect of a
708right wing conservative holding sway over the countrys law enforcement
709priorities... Give it a rest, Spam head. Let's not get into your view on womens
710rights and the sanctity of human life, okay, because where those issues are
711concerned, Teddy, you may not be, uh, shall we say, in control of your own
712vehicle. Capice, Tay-o? 
713
714And let's not let conservatives off the hook, either. Especially the religious
715right. Quick show of hands: if he came down and applied, how many here think
716Jesus would actually be accepted into Bob Jones University? C'mon, they'd beat
717the shit out of a long haired, peace-and-love hippy before he could turn the
718first cheek. 
719
720I think the truth is that you can never make everyone happy. The same people
721who scream about the freedom of choice for a woman to do what she wants with
722her body are forcing people who want their body to have a cigarette out into
723the streets to smoke. Some people who are against the death penalty are so
724adamant that they would electrocute those who are for it, and some of those who
725pray for the lives of the unborn also recite an extra "Our Father" when a
726clinic is bombed. 
727
728Look, tolerance does not mean you agree with everything that other people say,
729or that you subordinate your own best instincts to the tyranny of mass opinion.
730It simply means you pretend not to know that everyone on the planet but you is
731a total fucking moron. 
732
733The most unforgivable thing about intolerance is, by its inherent assumption
734that one group, belief or lifestyle is superior to another, it fails to take
735into account the ultimate truth which binds us all, black and white, gay and
736straight, Republican and Democrat, Arab and Israeli, Hindu and Muslim, Catholic
737and Protestant, Serb and Croat, Hutu and Tutsi: the fact that, at the end of
738the day, we are all equal pains-in-the-ass, in the eyes of the Lord. 
739
740Of course, that's just my opinion. I could be wrong.
741
742 
743Clintons' Goodbye
744Boy, the Clintons' left Washington about as quietly as Kid Rock leaves a
745Holiday Inn. 
746
747Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here but like an infestation of
748cockroaches, a drunken party guest or a super-virulent strain of
749antibiotic-resistant clap, the
750Clintons are proving almost impossible to get rid of. Hey, is there any way for
751an entire nation to file a restraining order? 
752
753Since we first met them, Bill and Hillary's political relationship has been
754defined by a series of scandals, providing their marriage a much-needed
755distraction from ever having to actually stop and figure out how to extricate
756themselves from their biggest predicament: each other. Let's face it. If the
757Clintons' marriage were any more about convenience, they'd have to install a
758Slurpee machine and a Slim-Jim rack. 
759
760We've all been watching in astonishment these last few weeks, as the Clintons
761merrily parade their greed and corruption past us like a garish Mardi Gras
762float
763powered by the drivetrain of Bill Clinton's gargantuan sense of entitlement.
764Hillary steers, while Bill sits on the top tossing pardons out to the crowd
765like a
766drunken Bacchus with a perpetual hard-on for a scepter. 
767
768And it turns out the Low Priest who shepherded many of the pardon petitioners
769to the quid-pro-quo altar is none other than Hillary's currently
770eight-and-a-half-months pregnant brother, Hugh Rodham. Hey, who could blame
771Jabba the Hick for acting as a supersized go-between? How would you
772like it if your sister was in the White House for eight years and you couldn't
773even cash in on it because of stupid laws and shit? 
774
775And the Hugh-Rodham-sponsored pardons were small, and quickly eaten, potatoes
776compared to the Marc Rich debacle. President Clinton has repeatedly
777insisted his pardon of Marc Rich was the right thing to do. Which should
778probably tip you off to just how wrong it undoubtedly was. 
779
780You almost have to admire the sheer audacity of granting pardons to two
781tax-scamming billionaire fugitives named Rich and Green. If the symbolism were
782any more obvious, Andrew Lloyd Weber would be writing music for it. 
783
784And speaking of vacuous songwriters, the Marc Rich pardon was facilitated by
785his former wife, Denise Rich. Now why would a former wife go to the wall for
786her ex-husband? Well, in this case, I can think of a couple of billion reasons.
787You know, she couldn't be any more in her former husbands hip pocket if she
788were a piece of lint. Think about it. Denise Rich is the perfect unwitting foil
789to do the bidding of low-rent Machiavellis like her ex and Bill Clinton. Every
790time I see that footage of her standing there on stage next to Clinton in her
791strapless, fur-trimmed, hey-baby-give-it-up-you're-in-your-mid-fifties Escada
792frock, smiling that lobotomized, open-mouth smile, all the while clapping her
793mitts together like she's a trained seal cleaning erasers, just so thrilled to
794be part of the action that all the naysayers once told her was way out of her
795league, well, all I can think is, "Wow, she's not even aware of what an
796incredible dupe she's being played for." You know, there's nothing sadder than
797a star-fucker who thinks she's a patriot. And I like her. 
798
799To be fair, it's not like other outgoing presidents and first ladies haven't
800been involved in sketchy pardons, taken gifts they weren't supposed to, or
801profited from their positions. It's just that no one has ever done it in such
802bulk, in so short a time, eliminating the mid-level operative and passing the
803scandal right on to you, the consumer. Let's face it: the Clintons are the
804Costco of Sleaze. 
805
806And all of the lying, cheating and stealing can't be good for either of the
807Clintons' karma. At this point Hillary's coming back as a dung beetle with an
808overdeveloped sense of smell, and Bill will come back as... uh... well, Bill.
809Face it, this guy's smarter than God. 
810
811But you must never count Bill Clinton out. He is completely alone right now,
812but this is when he's at his absolute best. When the whole world has turned
813their back on him, when the baying hounds are confusing the scent of his blood
814with someone else's who's about to take the fall for him... That is the precise
815moment he has you exactly where he wants you. 
816
817Perhaps Bill Clinton didn't so much betray his allies as seduce them into
818betraying themselves. From the women's rights groups who took Clinton's side
819against all the women he victimized to all the liberal compadres he discarded
820when it was politically expedient to do so, Clintons proffered deal has always
821been the same: I will help you achieve your goals if you simply abandon the
822ideals that made them worthwhile in the first place. 
823
824I guess what I'm saying, Bill, is, we're on to you, and it's over, understand?
825We've awakened from our long nightmare of codependence and addiction and we've
826found someone new. Maybe he's not as smart or as exciting as you, but he treats
827us nice and makes us feel pretty. We don't need you anymore, Bill, okay? So
828stop calling and stop driving past our house at night and stop looking at us
829like that. Now get off the porch and get out of here before we change our
830minds. 
831
832Of course, that's just my opinion. I could be wrong.
833
834 
835Psychiatry
836And an article in USA Today this week reported an increase in the number of pet
837owners taking their dogs to see psychiatrists. Hey, whatever happened to
838yelling at your dog to get off the couch? You know, if I could lick my own
839balls, I sure as hell couldn't need a shrink. Ah, who am I kidding? I can lick
840my own balls. That's why I go to a shrink. I can't stop. Because I'm a human
841being, with a bafflingly complex mind and a very stiff neck. 
842
843Now I don't want to get off on a rant here, but even the best psychiatrist is
844like a blindfolded auto mechanic poking around under your hood with a giant
845foam "We're #1" finger. 
846
847Though definitely a Western phenomenon, psychiatry hearkens back to
848traditional, tribal forms of healing, in which the right combination of words
849and potions would ease your tortured spirit. I can just picture an African
850Bushman, lying on a dirt floor, anxiously telling his medicine man this
851nightmare he keeps having about showing up at work fully clothed. 
852
853Even though it was invented in Europe, psychiatry could only become the
854multi-million-dollar business it is today here in the United States. We're the
855only people in the world who are stupid enough to actually want to know what's
856going on inside our minds. Americans couldn't be more self-absorbed if they
857were made of equal parts water and paper towel. 
858
859Another reason psychiatry has flourished in the US is that, in the 1970's,
860Woody Allen helped popularize the idea that going to a shrink is normal and
861healthy. And just look what its done for him and his family. He and his
862daughter-slash-wife have never been happier. 
863
864Now, ever since the days of Freud, psychiatry has been strictly limited to the
865realm of the middle- and- upper classes. sychoanalysis is expensive, which
866isn't too surprising when you consider it was invented by a major cokehead. 
867
868For me, the difference between psychiatry and psychology is just one of those
869little nagging things I can never remember. Like stalactite or stalagmite.
870Alligator or crocodile. Nipple clamp or nipple restraint.
871
872But I do know that psychosis falls into two major categories, manic-depression,
873and schizophrenia. Being diagnosed as one or the other has two immediate
874benefits. First, it automatically defines a set of effective treatments and
875second, it tells you which side you'll play on in the annual Crazy Fucks
876Softball Tournament. 
877
878Nowadays, rather than dwelling on childhood traumas and repressed sexuality,
879modern psychiatry deals more with correcting chemical imbalances in the brain.
880Kind of like what some people did back in college, except then it wasn't called
881psychiatry, it was called "bong hits." 
882
883Therapists face the daunting task of taking chaotic, violent and unstable
884people and molding them into well-rounded, secure and productive members of a
885chaotic, violent and unstable society. 
886
887Now, I'm not saying we should return to the days of lobotomies and
888electroshock, but I do feel the pendulum has swung too far the other way.
889Today, everything is a disorder or a disease that deserves our understanding.
890Nobody is held personally responsible for their actions. And that's gotta go. I
891think a good first step would be to change "not guilty by reason of insanity"
892to "guilty by reason of insanity." 
893
894Basically I'm a pretty normal guy when it comes to my mental health. I guess if
895I have one little problem that makes me consider seeing a shrink, it's a
896white-hot hatred for all humanity that burns so intensely it literally sears my
897insides. Other than that, I'm feelin' pretty mellow these days. 
898
899All kidding aside, I know what my problem is. I'm what you call a self-loathing
900paranoid. I don't think I'm worth the time and effort it would take for someone
901to hunt me down. 
902
903I view my head in much the same way I view my TV set. When something isn't
904working right, I can either bang it with my hand, or call a professional to fix
905the damn thing. In fact, I even have my shrink wear a tool belt and a name tag,
906and rip a big one at the start of every session. 
907
908The key is to find a therapist that you click with, someone that you trust
909implicitly with the deep, dark secrets you wouldn't even tell your accountant. 
910
911Now, I've had some great therapists in my life, and I've also had some who left
912me questioning their credentials. No doubt the worst was Doctor Cletus, a
913Jungian in bib overalls who, while I poured out the most intimate details of my
914very existence, would thumb through back-issues of "Guns & Ammo" magazine,
915occasionally glancing over at me, giggling and muttering, "Man, that is some
916weird-ass shit." 
917
918And the best input I ever got from a shrink? Well, when I was younger, I was
919plagued by feelings of inadequacy. So I went to see a psychologist. And he told
920me the reason I felt inadequate was because I was inadequate. Now that guy was
921a fucking genius. 
922
923Of course, that's just my opinion, I could be wrong.
924
925 
926
927Credit
928Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but why are Americans so in love
929with credit? Simple: WE'RE AMERICANS. We want everything, we want it Bigger,
930louder, shinier, faster, and we want it NOW. Instant gratification is as
931American as drive-through microwave apple pie. Of course Tantric sex was
932invented in India. Here, we want to fuck just to get it over with, so we can go
933out and buy more stuff. 
934
935This country was founded on debt. Hey, right off the bat, we got ourselves into
936hock to pay for the Revolutionary War. And then, in 1803, we purchased the
937Louisiana Territory, and they only sent us the clear title for that three weeks
938ago. 
939
940Historians often contrast our love of credit with the frugality and
941practicality of our Puritan ancestors. But come on: How frugal is it to buy a
942separate belt buckle just for your hat? 
943
944You can't begin to understand credit until you understand its boozy
945counterpart, interest. Credit is like a friendly bartender, wrapping his arm
946around your shoulder and telling you it's okay, just put this round on your
947credit card and take care of it with your next paycheck. Interest is the surly
948bouncer who hustles you head-first out of the warm tavern and face-first into
949the urine-stained snow bank, all the while mercilessly punching you in the ribs
950as he methodically goes through your pockets, until he gets back every last
951penny that you owe him. 
952
953Even the most thrifty among us need credit at some point or another. When you
954mortgage a house. When you buy a car. When you're on e-Bay and you see a
955mint-condition ice-packed human kidney that's still throbbing and would go
956perfectly in your collection ... But who would have a collection like that
957Clarice? 
958
959The irony is that responsible people who pay as they go never build up a good
960credit rating. And without one, you're considered a bad lending risk. Just try
961applying for a car loan or a mortgage. Trust me, you'll be ignored like the
962busboy at Hooters. 
963
964There is a whole generation out there who, between ATM cards and credit cards,
965don't even know what cash looks like. You take out a wad of bills these days,
966and you might as well be pulling out beaver pelts to pay for that pizza. I have
967had cashiers take the twenty-dollar bill I've given them and write my drivers
968license number on it. Of course, we'll always need cash for strip clubs. Nobody
969wants to see a naked chick swipe a card. 
970
971Now, I myself know what it's like to have bad credit. When I was 19, credit
972card companies would send me letters telling me I had been pre-approved for
973rejection. 
974
975Giving a teenager a credit card to teach them about money is like getting them
976drunk and putting them behind the wheel of a car to teach them responsibility.
977The interest rates on these cards make Tony Soprano look like George Bailey. 
978
979Bottom line: this country is more dependent on plastic than the casting
980director for Pamela Anderson's "V.I.P." And true, while I appreciate the
981convenience credit cards provide, what I really like are the cards themselves.
982I like their size and weight and as a matter of fact, I have customized mine
983with razor-sharp tungsten edges and balanced them for throwing with deadly
984accuracy. I also took the liberty of having a graphic artist rework the little
985holograms for me. My MasterCard shows a squirrel water-skiing, and my Visa
986shows an old, fat couple fucking. My point is, credit can be fun if you just
987let it. 
988
989If I have one bone to pick with the credit card companies, it's that they make
990the place where you're supposed to put your signature on the back of the card
991too small. And nobody ever checks the signature on the card anyway. When they
992do, it's just for show; they're not really checking it. I know because, as an
993experiment, on my most recent card, instead of signing it, I wrote, "Just ring
994it up, shithead." So far, not a peep. 
995
996Now, one of the ways we judge which rung of the ladder you are perched on in
997this society is by what color credit card you carry. For American Express, the
998once-prestigious Green card can be replaced by the Gold card. Keep charging,
999and you are eligible for the Platinum card, which can now be trumped by the
1000upper-echelon Black card. Soon you will be able to just have a bar code sewn
1001onto your ass, so that there's absolutely no way you can leave home without it.
1002
1003
1004In closing, let me say that today, I am fortunate, because I have the money to
1005pay off my credit cards at the end of each month -- but I choose not to. Why?
1006Well, my logic is that if a killer asteroid obliterates the earth, causing
1007tidal waves and cosmic fires that destroy every submicroscopic trace of life on
1008this planet as we know it, and I still owe three grand on my Visa, I win.
1009[FINGER] 
1010
1011Of course, that's just my opinion. I could be wrong.
1012
1013 
1014The Need to be Cool
1015You know why Jack Kerouac was cool? Because he had no idea he was. 
1016
1017Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but cool is a gift. It's having
1018eight pounds of hip in a five-pound bucket. It's not bought, bred or
1019bequeathed. Clinton lost it, Gore can't buy it and Bush thinks it's spelled
1020with a "k." 
1021
1022America's drive to be cool is like an endless game of "Follow the Leader," with
1023all of us in a dog-sled-train, struggling to keep up with the alpha male
1024trendsetter, when all we can make out are the hazy, glistening outlines of his
1025ice-flecked, rhythmically pumping butt cheeks. Sorry, I got a little carried
1026away, there. I'm still recovering from Gay Week on Animal Planet. 
1027
1028The United States is the birthplace of cool. If the world was a high school,
1029America would be making out in study hall with Sweden, picking on India, and
1030smoking in the U.N. restroom with France and Colombia. 
1031
1032Coolness appeals to us because it represents being free from the constraints of
1033society while still living within it, dropping in to give Richie and Chachi a
1034dose of hard-earned street wisdom, and then headin' off to Arnold's to grab a
1035shake and pound a free song out of the jukebox when the Cunningham scene gets a
1036little too "square." By the way, almost triggering a petite mal seizure by
1037doing the finger quotes thing - uncool. 
1038
1039Now, there are many types of cool. There's the classic, iconic, Bogart
1040approach: cryptic and unflappable, squinting through the smoke from the
1041cigarette dangling between your lips, never letting a trace of emotion show
1042except for an occasional sardonic half-smile at the foolish world around you
1043that you couldn't give a rat's ass about. 
1044
1045As a matter of fact, some celebrities reach a cool of such mythic proportions,
1046it transcends their physical being. Frank Sinatra is so cool, he hasn't
1047bothered to take a breath for years, and he could still kick the shit out of
1048you. 
1049
1050Then there's the demographically researched, pop-media faux-cool, the type of
1051insouciance that bears the corporate patina of mass-marketed nonconformity.
1052This is shopping mall cool, easily attainable: You don't have to Harley to
1053Sturges; or Master the Guitar; or Trek through Nepal-- just plunk down your
1054Discover card and buy some threads at Urban Outfitters or a barbed-wire
1055bicep-tattoo at the Henna Hut, and not only will you enter the kingdom of cool,
1056you'll also get a valuable cash-back bonus that can be applied to cruise travel
1057or a Reader's Digest subscription. 
1058
1059I think some manufacturers may be trying a little too hard to envelop
1060everything with a hip aura. I was at a drug store and watched an old man spend
106115 minutes trying to decide if he wanted his Ex-Lax in Extreme Orange or
1062Totally Wacked Wintermint. 
1063
1064There are certain places and situations where it's virtually impossible to put
1065up a cool front. For example, when your doctor gives you a prostate exam, or
1066when the supermarket cashier calls for a price check on super-small-size
1067condoms, or when the door man at the Vanity Fair Oscar party bitch-slaps you
1068for bursting into tears when he tells you he can't find your name on the guest
1069list, even though it should have been there it SHOULD HAVE BEEN THERE!! J-Lo, I
1070love you! 
1071
1072I guess the coolest I ever felt was when Carveys Church Lady was really taking
1073off on Saturday Night Live, and yet the entire nation was doing my George Bush
1074impersonation. Oh wait, that was Dana, too. Come to think of it, I've never
1075felt cool. 
1076
1077One of my favorite pastimes is to look around and try to determine who the
1078coolest person in the room is. For example the other day at Starbucks, as I
1079observed the 20-something counter jockey with the pierced prefrontal cortex and
1080the dust bunny on his chin, and the as-yet un-produced screenwriter sitting in
1081the corner staring at a four-year-old script-in-progress that still has fewer
1082words in it than his latte order, or the heavily perfumed walking designer rack
1083talking into her cell phone like she was trying to be heard over a fucking
1084chainsaw, I realized with some pride that I could honestly say I was the
1085coolest person in the immediate proximity, until I looked out the window and
1086caught the eye of the Guatemalan landscaper trimming the hedges outside,
1087obviously wondering what kind of schmuck I was to pay three dollars and seventy
1088five cents for a cup of coffee. 
1089
1090Let's bottom line this. For me, the only real cool people left are those who
1091don't buy into the coolness mystique. People who dont take themselves too
1092seriously and don't screw over other people and understand that life goes on,
1093the earth abideth forever, and what is cool today may not be cool tomorrow.
1094That's why it's best just to be yourself. You know, unless, of course, you're
1095an asshole. 
1096
1097Of course, that's just my opinion. I could be wrong.
1098
1099 
1100Extreme Sports
1101This weekend, ESPN is holding its first Extreme Sports awards. "Extreme
1102sports"? Hey, folks, let's call this what it is: weird shit invented by guys
1103who are willing to die to get laid. 
1104
1105Now I don't want to get off on a rant here, but our obsession with extreme
1106sports has people all over the country jumping off bridges, skyscrapers and
1107mountain cliffs, and some of them aren't even invested in the stock market. 
1108
1109The concept of extreme sports is yet another component in the vast conspiracy
1110contrived to make me feel like I'm aging faster than a tuna sandwich in the
1111glove compartment of a black car parked in Phoenix, Arizona. 
1112
1113Extreme sports are usually played by middle-class white kids, because the
1114equipment involved is expensive, the activities often require costly trips to
1115exotic locations and, let's face it, unfortunately, if you're growing up in an
1116inner-city housing project, the mere act of walking to school is no doubt
1117extreme enough. 
1118
1119Gen-X sports have been so successful for advertisers, they're now afraid to
1120market anything without them. I saw Charles Schwab on TV the other day, trying
1121to yell something about moderate-growth mutual funds while wakeboarding off the
1122North Shore of Oahu, with his knee joints poppin' like two M-80s goin' off in
1123an underground parking garage. 
1124
1125Hey, you only have to watch a minute of extreme sports to distill what is
1126really going on here: psychopaths enriching osteopaths. 
1127
1128Now, when it was first introduced, bungee jumping was seen as the peak of
1129extreme, a wild, daring pasttime only the boldest madmen would undertake. It
1130has today become so mainstream that all bungee jumping platforms are required
1131by law to be fully wheelchair- accessible. 
1132
1133Then there's BASE jumping, a high fatality activity which involves leaping off
1134buildings and bridges with a parachute. You know, when I was ten years old, I
1135climbed up on the roof of our neighbors garage and jumped off while holding an
1136open umbrella. Only it wasn't called BASE jumping back then, let's see, what
1137was it called ... oh yeah, "Being a Fucking Moron." 
1138
1139If you really want to screw with a BASE jumper's head, wait at the edge of the
1140cliff, and just before he's about to go, ask for his girlfriends phone number. 
1141
1142You know, when I watch one of these Eco Challenge events, I always wonder what
1143the local natives think when they see the civilized folk "roughing it" with all
1144the state-of-the-art clothing and equipment money can buy. Meanwhile, the
1145Sherpas are climbing Everest with nothing on their feet but Wonder Bread
1146bags,and their gods forbid the use of twist ties. And how about when these
1147hikers pull out their calorically calibrated protein bars, while the guide from
1148the tribe, who is naked except for the animal horn on his penis just digs into
1149a pile of elephant dung and pulls out an undigested peanut, and calls it
1150macaroni. [SING] Yankee Doody went to town 
1151
1152Extreme sports are fascinating to someone like me, who screams like Maria
1153Callas in late-stage labor if I merely drive over a pothole with an open coffee
1154container between my legs. In my defense, I may not be as adventurous as I used
1155to be, but given the right set of circumstances, I am as extreme as they come.
1156Like the other day, I'm making my famous cinnamon baked apples. But just for
1157the sheer adrenaline rush, I stick the cloves in with their spikey ends
1158pointing out. Balls to the wall, dude! 
1159
1160I think I speak for many of my fellow Los Angelenos when I say that I find
1161extreme sports rather redundant when I spend a good deal of my day just trying
1162to stay alive in traffic, while pinned between 4 stegasaurus-sized S.U.V.s,
1163each being driven by a psychotically aggressive, Palm-Pilot-wielding, 98-pound
1164woman with the blood sugar level of Lot's wife. 
1165
1166I view professional extreme athletes with, at worst, mild puzzlement and, at
1167best, genuine respect. But what pisses me off are the amateur extreme athletes,
1168who don't just risk their own lives -- they make some park ranger, fireman, or
1169cop risk his life to save them. Every time I see a soldier who enlisted so he
1170could defend his country, end up having to put his neck on the line, rappelling
1171off a helicopter to save some middle-aged hero-wannabe jagoff who skied 20
1172miles off the clearly marked trail just so he can have a better pickup line
1173than, "Hey, baby, your place or my moms?", I can't help but hope that just this
1174one time, the kid from the National Guard is going to change his mind and
1175chopper away to get a well-deserved beer, but not before getting just close
1176enough to shout, "Hey, asshole, Charles Darwin says hi." 
1177
1178Of course, that's just my opinion, I could be wrong.
1179
1180 
1181Bush's 1st 83 Days
1182Now I don't want to get off on a rant here, but tonight I'd like to take a step
1183back and evaluate the former oilman who just 83 days ago took on the awesome
1184responsibility of running our huge, complicated nation. And, if we have time,
1185I'd also like to talk about President Bush. 
1186
1187Now, the rap on George W. Bush is that he's lazy, takes naps in the middle of
1188the day, and would rather be watching television than focusing on what average
1189Americans want for their lives. Hey, that is exactly what average Americans
1190want for their lives. 
1191
1192President Bush took office promising to change the tone of the White House.
1193Where Clinton looked presidential and acted like a kid, Bush looks like a kid
1194and so far -- acts presidential. And while he has turned off the wocka-wocka
119570's porno guitar of the Clinton years, so far he has yet to replace it with
1196much more than the fuzzy hissing of a patriotic late-night sign-off on a local
1197television station. 
1198
1199You can't talk about George W. without addressing the strange Bilbo-Baginnian
1200language that spurts out from between his lips like melted marshmallows coming
1201out of a squirt gun. 
1202
1203As a matter of fact, when the words in Bush's throat see their colleagues
1204heading up to his lips, they react with all the giddy panic of teenagers
1205watching a horror movie: "Don't go out there, man! He'll butcher you!" 
1206
1207Bush may not be smart, but at least he's smart enough to know he's not smart.
1208The wisest thing he did in the China spy plane standoff was let someone else
1209handle it. By contrast, a hands-on, eager-to-look-tough, micro-manager like Al
1210Gore would have reacted with all the composure of a drag queen getting his wig
1211yanked off. 
1212
1213Bush had the foresight to surround himself with smart people the way a hole
1214surrounds itself with a doughnut. W.'s team of handlers has him so well
1215trained, they're thinking of entering him in the Westminster Kennel Club show
1216as a short-attention-spaniel. 
1217
1218Bush ran on a pledge to improve education, and I believe he's going to pull it
1219off. By the year 2012, the average high school senior should be able to name
1220the capitals of all 45 states that haven't yet been flooded by the melted polar
1221ice caps. 
1222
1223Now, arguably the only thing this president has in common with our last
1224president is the completely unabashed, unapologetic affinity for drilling the
1225shit out of everything on the planet. 
1226
1227It's not that I don't agree with the bottom line on many of Dubyas stands,
1228because I often do. Do I care about the National Arctic Wildlife Refuge? Sure,
1229I guess so. But the mere mention of drilling for oil in it doesn't cause me to
1230foam at the mouth like a rabid fruit bat blowing Mr. Bubble. Give me a fucking
1231break. Every other vehicle in this country is a Lincoln Navigator with an
1232"Earth First" bumper sticker on it. You simply cannot blame George W. Bush for
1233not being able to let you have it both ways. Besides, do you know how many
1234caribou it takes to pull the average four-door sedan at a steady 65 miles per
1235hour? Believe me, the 405 would be fucked. 
1236
1237Hey, let's face it. He got into college by the skin of his teeth and into the
1238Air National Guard the same way. He won the presidential election by a margin
1239narrower than John Ashcroft's mind. Really, Bush's greatest achievement in his
1240life up to this point has been to lower our expectations of him so that
1241practically anything he accomplishes in the Oval Office is bound to impress us.
1242So much so that, if he can just finish out his term without stickin' a Roman
1243candle up his ass on a dare from brother Jeb, he's probably gonna end up on
1244Mount Rushmore. 
1245
1246Truth be told, I like the fact that President Bush is not slick, that he
1247mangles the English language. I prefer a guy in there who knows what he wants
1248to say but can't quite say it, instead of someone who is very eloquent about
1249promises he has no intention of keeping. So far, Bush has kept his pledge to
1250the American people. He's surrounded himself with the best minds in Washington,
1251restored civility to the Oval Office, and made it clear that this is an
1252administration that believes in big business and a strong military, while
1253working like a motherfucker on that 1.6-trillion-dollar tax cut he guaranteed
1254us last year. Now you may not like these promises he's keeping, but maybe, in
1255the end, what this country needs, above all else, is someone who just keeps his
1256word, even if that word is "Ca-rum-u-bob-ulate-tion-ism." 
1257
1258Of course, that's just my opinion. I could be wrong.
1259
1260 
1261Mind Your Own Business
1262God, Madonna is shameless about publicity, isn't she? Somehow, I find it hard
1263to sympathize too much with her when she calls a live, televised, webcast,
1264stereo-simulcast, distributed-by-satellite, available-on-properly-equipped
1265cellphones press conference to complain that the media doesn't respect her
1266privacy. You know, it seems to me that the only time Madonna doesn't draw a
1267crowd is the opening weekend of one of her films. 
1268
1269Now I don't want to get off on a rant here, but why is it that the only people
1270who are quiet and mind their own business nowadays are the serial killers? 
1271
1272Nobody minds their own business anymore. Americans stick their nose where it
1273doesn't belong more than Cyrano de Bergerac giving head. 
1274
1275We live in a nauseatingly confessional society. But it wasn't always that way.
1276There was a time when you wouldn't dream of telling a guy you just met that you
1277were an alcoholic. Unless, of course, you met the guy because you had driven
1278your car into his swimming pool. 
1279
1280True, thanks to our tight-lipped Puritan ancestors with their scarlet letters
1281and witch hunts, we've always been a nation obsessed with the doings of others.
1282In the past, however, we justified our pejorative meddling with some lame,
1283moralistic claptrap about "upholding community standards." Well, the fact is,
1284folks, community standards have now deteriorated like the relationship between
1285Brett Michaels and C.C. Deville on VH1's "Poison: Behind The Music." By the
1286way, I hear Poison is touring again. It's always nice to go see a retro-tour of
1287a hair band where the only drug they're now shooting up is Rogaine. 
1288
1289Hey, in our media-saturated culture, the border between news and entertainment
1290is crossed more often than a line in one of George W. Bushs coloring books. 
1291
1292The thing about the entertainment media's particular brand of voyeurism is,
1293we're so easily bored that, if somebody wants to keep our attention, they must
1294continually super-size the freak value. I was watching "Springer" the other day
1295and actually saw a couple get their marriage back on track by beating the shit
1296out of each other. I think Jerry's final thought was entitled, "I'm OK, You're
1297OK, Bitch." 
1298
1299Then there are the hapless casualties of voyeurism like Monica, Darva, and
1300Kato, forced to watch defenselessly as every nook and cranny of their personal
1301lives gets slurped into America's bottomless maw for other people's humiliation
1302-- all under the false rubric that a free and open society has the right to
1303know. At first fidgety, these quasi-luminaries ease into their new roles
1304quickly, seduced by the yodeling highs of celebrity that smudge the line
1305between the famous and the infamous, until there's no real point in their ever
1306saying goodbye. They turn into Abe Vigoda - you always think they're dead, and
1307yet, they're always RSVP'ing in the affirmative. It's sort of like Karmic
1308extortion. We wouldn't leave them alone, so now it's their turn. And in the
1309end, their fifteen minutes last longer than a cross-country airplane
1310conversation with a Jehovah's Witness who sells life insurance. 
1311
1312What I can't fathom are the people who auction off their privacy on the open
1313market. You can go online now and actually watch mutants and cybergeeks who
1314record every nanosecond of their lives - every snore, every burp, every
1315restraining order filed against them by William Shatner - and beam it out over
1316the Internet. It all raises the interesting philosophical question: How can you
1317broadcast your life when you don't have a life to begin with? 
1318
1319Do the media and the Internet feed this tendency, or merely reflect it? It's
1320hard to say. We're living in a time when personal boundaries are more blurred
1321than the camera lens in a Joan Collins photo shoot. You would think that this
1322would help to generate more openness between people, but all it seems to have
1323done is increase our mistrust. We feel perfectly comfortable spending hours
1324online, sharing our innermost thoughts and yearnings with complete strangers,
1325but we don't even meet the people living next door until there's a huge
1326earthquake and everyone's out on their lawns at one in the morning. As a matter
1327of fact, that's the scariest part of an earthquake - hearing your 58 year-old
1328neighbors Myrna and Leo explain how they had just strapped her into the
1329Vietnamese fuck basket, when all of a sudden, she started swinging back and
1330forth, like King Kong's balls on a hot day. "Well, thanks for the visual,
1331Myrna, I think I'm gonna go pick up a downed power line now, OK?" 
1332
1333One of the most disturbing trends in the demise of personal privacy is the
1334proliferation of hidden cameras. They're everywhere now. [POINTING AT CAMERA]
1335As a matter of fact, what's this? I just don't think that's right. When I'm by
1336myself, just like everyone else in this room, I do things that I would never do
1337if I knew I was being videotaped. I pick my nose. I scratch my nuts. I squeeze
1338blemishes. I work at my stubborn dandruff patch. I kick off my shoes and bite
1339my toenails. I use whatever's lying around to scrape my tongue. I pull nostril
1340hairs out and measure them with a small silver ruler I carry on a chain around
1341my neck and record their length in millimeters in an embossed spiral notebook.
1342I pinch my nipples until my eyes tear up, and I straddle things and yell
1343"giddy-up," while slapping myself on the ass with a Victorian carpet beater.
1344The point is, I should be able to pass my time waiting in line at the Post
1345Office any way I want to. 
1346
1347Of course, that's just my opinion. I could be wrong.
1348
1349 
1350The Stock Market
1351And on Thursday, the Dow Jones industrial average took another 80-point nose
1352dive, before rallying today. You know, lately, the stock market's been
1353performing like a blind dominatrix...you never know when she's going to hit
1354bottom. 
1355
1356Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but the stock market is Las Vegas
1357without the slots, the hookers or the dependable odds. 
1358
1359The market's so volatile these days, so dependent on so many minute indicators.
1360A $50 billion manufacturer of 16 different microprocessing components, each
1361indispensable to the computer industry, can see its stock price plummet by half
1362or more, solely on the rumor that Benny Kelso on the loading dock says it hurts
1363when he pees. 
1364
1365Now, two phrases you'll often hear are "Bull market" and "bear market." In case
1366you're wondering about the difference, a bear market is where I lose money
1367because my stocks are plummeting along with everybody else's, while a bull
1368market is where I lose money because my stocks are plummeting all by
1369themselves. 
1370
1371Analysts are always telling us that the best way to invest in stocks is for the
1372long term. The only problem with that is, in an attention-deficit-disordered
1373America, the words "long term" indicate a time unit somewhere between the
1374career of a boy band and the bitch-slap of a hummingbird. 
1375
1376And now, with the advent of the Internet, an unholy alliance between the home
1377computer and the stock market has spawned the day-trader ? the kind of
1378proto-loser who is spotwelded into his Incredible Hulk underoos down in the
1379basement, his trembling, silver-Lotto-scratch-card dust-encrusted fingernails
1380frantically pounding "buy" and "sell" orders into his keyboard so loudly that
1381he can't even hear his mother upstairs crying out for the good old days when
1382all he did online was compulsively masturbate. 
1383
1384The widely-held gospel of Wall Street is "buy low and sell high." Thanks.
1385Thanks for the tip, Motley Fuck. That's like telling a bald guy "Getting laid's
1386easy...Just go to a bar and pick up Heidi Klum." 
1387
1388Now, I don't want to act like I'm a fiscal expert here. As a matter of fact,
1389when it comes to my own investments, I have only one question: What do all
1390those numbers mean? Seriously, what would I know about what things are actually
1391worth? I'm in show business, for chrissakes. 
1392
1393When the market began to tank last month, I couldn't get my broker on the
1394phone. Finally, his secretary admitted he had quit to take a job with Exxon,
1395but she couldn't quite remember which gas station it was. 
1396
1397I've learned some painful lessons about investing. In the future, when ending
1398conversations with an investment advisor, I will do so by saying, "I'm done
1399speaking with you now," instead of saying, "Bye-bye," which my former money
1400manager always mistook for an enthusiastic request to purchase shares in
1401whatever lean-to piece of shit-dot-com sham he was getting blowjobs and free
1402plane tickets to push that week. 
1403
1404Hey, there's no substitute for doing your homework before investing in a
1405company? good, solid, sound fiscal research. When I'm thinking of investing in a
1406retail chain, for example, what I do is go to one of their stores, and lock
1407myself in a bathroom stall. Then I curl up in a fetal ball on the floor and
1408emit a low, painful- sounding groan, and I time how long it takes one of the
1409assistant managers to come in and see if I'm okay. Wal-Mart? 3 minutes. Target?
1410Half hour. K-Mart? Kibbel the night janitor woke me up at three in the morning
1411and asked me if I had any rolling papers. 
1412
1413Hey, I know investing is a risky proposition, and I don't mind losing my shirt,
1414but can I have my pants back? Recently, let's say, over the past month, I've
1415put sixty-thousand dollars into Krispy Kreme Doughnuts. Thank God I didn't buy
1416the stock. 
1417
1418And last year I bought Pets-dot-com at thirty. Two weeks later, it was dropping
1419faster than Al Roker on a greasy flagpole. You'd think I would have learned my
1420lesson, but instead I moved my remaining capital into something called e-Toys.
1421And last time I looked, that stock had broken through zero and was tunneling
1422into the molten magma at the core of our planet. 
1423
1424But the gloomy end of the unsurpassed bull market of the 90's did turn up some
1425unexpected bright spots. For one thing, remember that day-trading dilettante
1426prick neighbor of yours?the guy who threw a few lucky darts at the NASDAQ wheel
1427and showed up at every party for the next year in his Lincoln Navigator, downed
1428a few too many glasses of Turning Leaf Chardonnay and got all self-important,
1429going on and on like he was Warren Buffet with a soul patch talking about P/E
1430ratios and small-cap funds' place in the Keens-ian oeuvre and you figured,
1431"Well, he must know what he's talking about," and so you put ten grand in a
1432stock he recommended that collapsed like the Three Stooges' tent the following
1433week? You remember that guy? Well, right about now, he's replacing all the
1434deodorant cakes in the men's room urinals at Der Weinershnitzel before he
1435finishes off his shift standin' out front and handin' out half-off chili fry
1436coupons, dressed like a giant fuckin' bratwurst. I'd say karma is up about a
1437hundred points. 
1438
1439Of course, that's just my opinion. I could be wrong.
1440
1441 
1442Reality TV
1443And earlier today, Timothy McVeigh's execution was moved back to June 11th.
1444Ahhhhh. You know, I love a June execution. 
1445
1446Or better yet, let's forget June. Let's put it in sweeps week. Just imagine
1447what an ad would go for. You think I'm kidding? Trust me, if General Motors
1448thought it would move vehicles off its dealers' lots, they would sponsor a live
1449TV broadcast of Timothy McVeigh's execution. No doubt with some sort of
1450tasteful product tie-in: "Folks, if you thought that injection was lethal,
1451check-out the fuel injection in the all new 300-horsepower Cadillac Escalade" 
1452
1453Now I don't want to get off on a rant here, but what does it say about our
1454culture when the most escapist form of entertainment is currently called
1455"reality" television? 
1456
1457In the past, most networks tended to dabble delicately in the arena of reality
1458tv, but lately, they've been going for it like a hungry mutt on an ass-flavored
1459Milkbone. 
1460
1461One of the longest-running reality shows is "Cops," every episode of which
1462poses the burning question: "Why is that morbidly obese man not wearing a
1463shirt?" At least digitally scramble his mantits, OK? 
1464
1465Then theres "The Real World." Based on the premise that living rent-free in a
1466fabulous house on the beach with a bunch of attractive young people all the
1467while being videotaped by an ever-present camera crew is in any way, shape or
1468form "real." However, "The Real World" does provide us with the valuable
1469insight that, like, when you buy, like, orange juice, you know, and somebody
1470else, like drinks it without, you know, like, asking, that's, like, a personal
1471violation? You know? 
1472
1473And I couldn't watch "Temptation Island" because from what I gather, it would
1474have reminded me of one of my vacations when I was single. Remember when you
1475planned to hit the island and fuck anything that movedand nothing moved? 
1476
1477"Survivor" is the gold standard of reality programming, and when this craze is
1478over, appropriately, it will probably be the last one standing. I caught the
1479season finale of "Survivor." Watching this poly-merized tribal ritual through
1480the smoky tiki-torch kerosene-scented haze, just one thought crossed my mind:
1481How come that Keith guy is 40 but looks like he's 90? 
1482
1483Now I realize that if I were to be a contestant on "Survivor," I would probably
1484be one of the first to be voted off -- if not for my tendency to openly hate
1485other people, then for the visual and emotional assault that is me in bicycle
1486pants crying all the time. But my plan would be simple. As soon as the votes
1487were tallied, and Jeff Probst gave me the bad news, saying, "The tribe has
1488spoken," I'd say, "Oh yeah? Well fuck the tribe. I'm a 'Survivor!'" and I'd
1489bolt into the jungle, only to emerge every night to pick the other contestants
1490off one by one with poison darts.
1491Then I'd start in on the crew. 
1492
1493The truth is that, although people see reality shows as their doorway to
1494instant television celebrity, it's probably much harder to beat out the 35,000
1495other applicants vying for a spot on "Survivor" than it was for me to beat out
1496the one other applicant trying to be the host of Dennis Miller Live. Though
1497believe me, Lynn Redgrave did not go down without a fight. That is one scrappy
1498lady. 
1499
1500Now they've started double-layering the reality shows. They've had everything
1501from "Dateline" stories on "Big Brother" to the "Survivor" cast on "The Weakest
1502Link." But you know something? I'm not sure they've taken it far enough. I
1503wouldn't mind seeing that frigid dwarf chick from "Weakest Link", caught in
1504nothing but her chainmail corset and size 2 jackboots, running down an alley
1505from an immigration officer on a Fox special called "When Untalented Foreigners
1506Get Hired." 
1507
1508But while I've got my bones to pick with it, I do think reality television has
1509a deserved place in the roster of our nightly entertainment. In fact, I myself
1510have several ideas for new shows in the genre. The first is called "You Gotta
1511Be Shittin' Me," and it involves simply mounting video cameras atop gasoline
1512pumps at stations throughout Southern California. 
1513
1514I'm also pitching an alternative to "When Good Pets Go Bad." It's called "Put
1515the Goddamn Video Camera Down, Edna, and Yank This Mongoose off my Nutsack." 
1516
1517To make a long story short, the key thing to remember about this evolutionary
1518stage in the television medium is that TV tends to eat its own. And in a
1519classic example of plagiaristic television logic, the geniuses at NBC noticed
1520that every successful reality show sparked its own catchphrase "Voted off the
1521island," "Is that your final answer?" and so they decided that all they needed
1522to make a hit out of "The Weakest Link" was to plaster the phrase "You are the
1523weakest link" over so many billboards and bus-stops that it is now permanently
1524burnt into my brain like that time I walked in on Star Jones at the Universal
1525Amphitheater VIP bathroom. But you know what? You cannot build an entire show
1526around a single, easily-remembered catch phrase, and assume that just because
1527you repeat it week after week, people will ultimately attach some sort of
1528profundity or wit to it, and clap like trained seals whenever they hear it.
1529People are not that stupid. They're not going to fall for it, and it's simply
1530not going to work. 
1531
1532
1533Of course, that's just my opinion, I could be wrong.
1534
1535 
1536The War on Tobacco
1537Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but tobacco is so entwined with
1538the history of this country, the only reason the Statue of Liberty is not
1539holding up a lit cigarette is that her torch provides a better backdrop for
1540final showdowns in shitty action movies. 
1541
1542Now, if you ask most smokers whether or not they want to smoke they'd probably
1543tell you "no," they hate it. But nicotine couldn't be tougher to kick if Lucy
1544Van Pelt from "Peanuts" was holding it with her fingertip. 
1545
1546Los Angelenos have been some of the most outspoken advocates against smokers
1547exposing us to their second-hand smoke. Which is ironic, considering that
1548compared to L.A. air, second-hand smoke is like aromatherapy. I'm so paranoid
1549about getting sick I'm even worried about third-hand smoke -- the smoke coming
1550off a second-hand smoker. Where's the research on that? 
1551
1552Now, as everyone who saw "The Insider" will remember, Russell Crowe's
1553character, in trying to testify against the tobacco industry, was up against an
1554adversary that would do anything to stop him, from e-mailing him threats to
1555targeting his wife and child to forcing him to fight off man-eating lions on
1556the blood-drenched floor of the Coliseum. 
1557
1558Because, by definition, their best customers are the ones most likely to up and
1559die on them, tobacco companies must constantly look for fresh meat. As a
1560result, they must aim their laser sites on the only group of people who are
1561easy prey because they are so naive, so easily swayed by peer pressure, and so
1562unready to make their own decisions as mature adults: Southerners. Also,
1563teenagers. 
1564
1565And they start 'em off young. Remember candy cigarettes? I used to love those.
1566At first, I only enjoyed one with an occasional glass of Kool-Aid or, say,
1567after a wild and crazy Slip-and-Slide party at Ray Luigi's place, but pretty
1568soon I was up to three packs a day. I never went in for bubblegum cigars; they
1569always seemed a tad, I dunno, pretentious. 
1570
1571Our war on tobacco is a microcosm for a fundamental contradiction in the
1572American psyche. We see ourselves as independent,
1573livin'-my-life-without-the-government-on-my-back Marlboro men until something
1574goes wrong, whereupon we turn into whiny, litigious crybabies looking for
1575someone to foot the bill for our fuckups. 
1576
1577Currently there's a raft of ex-smokers suing tobacco companies because they got
1578sick, and I just don't think that's right. Sure, I hate tobacco companies and
1579think they sell a quintessentially evil product, and then lie insidiously
1580through their yellowed teeth, all the while trading in their venal,
1581profiteering souls for a lucrative paycheck in this life, knowing full well
1582they'll spend all of time having their flesh raked by the fiery claws of Hell,
1583while the cries of all their victims resonate in their ears for all eternity.
1584That being said, I hate lawyers even more. 
1585
1586Yes, I feel sorry for the people suffering the effects of years of smoking.
1587Yes, I think the tobacco companies should be punished for their deceptions and
1588subterfuge. But suing a tobacco company because youve developed a health
1589problem from smoking cigarettes is like suing McDonalds because they failed to
1590inform you that the hot coffee you ordered will scald your lap if you spill it
1591on yourself. Hmm, bad example. 
1592
1593OK, let's try this one. Suing a tobacco company because you've developed a
1594health problem from smoking cigarettes is like demanding an apology from the
1595"Members Only" jacket people for your not-getting-laid in the 80's. 
1596
1597It's pretty clear that President Bush isn't going to lead a fight against the
1598cigarette companies, as he has stated several times that he believes the answer
1599to the problem lies in opening up the Alaskan Wildlife Preserve for growing
1600more tobacco. 
1601
1602I believe that right now the tobacco companies are missing a perfect PR
1603opportunity to turn the tide of public opinion in their favor. I'm speaking, of
1604course, about the energy crisis and the surrounding environmental concerns. For
1605example, if the lights go out during an unexpected rolling blackout, who's
1606going to have a lighter to provide emergency illumination? The smoker. If we
1607experience increased pollution from unregulated power plants, who's going to
1608require less oxygen because of diminished lung capacity? The smoker. And if
1609ecosystems fall like dominoes, rendering the human race a mere band of
1610cannibalistic scavengers wandering through a barren wasteland, whose flesh will
1611possess the pleasant smoky taste of barbecue? Thank you, smokers. 
1612
1613Hey, America grows most of the world's tobacco. If I were president, I'd go on
1614national television and tell those jagoffs from OPEC, "Hey, you know what's
1615tougher to kick than cheap oil? Those Yankee Devil Marlboro 100's that you're
1616always lightin' off a burning American flag. Yeah, that's right, Sheik Octane,
1617you heard me. I don't see any tobacco plants sprouting up from that desert
1618shitbox of yours. Now I want to see premium gasoline going for fifty cents a
1619gallon again, or you guys are going to be up all night chain-sucking on
1620goat-flavored Jolly Ranchers." 
1621
1622Of course that's just my opinion. I could be wrong.
1623
1624 
1625Advertising
1626You remember Saturday morning cartoons? They're the two minutes of filler
1627between commercials for supersoakers and 16,000 forms of sugar. Including
1628salted sugar. 
1629
1630Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but while I sometimes find
1631advertising misleading, I do think it is necessary, as it often imparts vital
1632information to the consumer. For example, paper towels with two plies are more
1633absorbent. Wider gaps in tire treads help prevent hydroplaning. Fluoride fights
1634tooth decay, and visiting foreign countries makes you shit yourself. And then
1635you're back to the two-ply thing. 
1636
1637Advertising is not merely a human phenomenon, but a biological impulse found
1638throughout the natural world. Peacocks attract the attention of a mate through
1639a multicolored feather display. Baboons signal their sexual readiness with a
1640pair of red, swollen buttock. And both the duck and gecko offer a broad range
1641of attractively priced supplemental car insurance packages. 
1642
1643TV commercials nowadays are unrecognizable from what they were 20 years ago.
1644Now you get these out-of-focus MTV jump cuts with a throbbing technosoundtrack
1645and writhing supermodels in tankinis having simulated lesbian sex in the rain
1646and a nun riding a yellow bike and a little barefoot kid in a Guatemalan
1647village, and it's an ad for fucking pretzels. 
1648
1649I just wish people who wrote catchy commercial jingles in the 70's had taught
1650at my high school -- I think I would've retained a lot more important, useful
1651knowledge. I don't remember anything about geometry, history or science, but I
1652do remember that when it says Libbie's Libbie's Libbie's on the label label
1653label, you will like it like it like it on your table table table. And I swear,
1654if I find myself alone in my car car car one more time singing, "Plop plop fizz
1655fizz/oh what a relief it is", I'm going to hunt down the mind-control fuckwad
1656who wrote that piece-of-shit Pavlovian haiku, and demand that he give me that
1657part of my brain back. 
1658
1659You know, I'm seeing a lot more ads for medicines now. They're pushing pills
1660for allergies that are followed by a list of side effects that read like a book
1661of witch's spells. Nosebleeds, dry mouth, insomnia, shortness of breath, liver
1662damage. You know what? Keep your allergy medicine. I'd rather reach for a
1663Kleenex than have a blue arc of electricity connecting my nipples. At the top
1664of my list of commercials I do like are the ones for the local stereo store
1665starring either the stereo store owner, or the heavily made-up stereo store
1666receptionist the stereo store owner is trying to bang. 
1667
1668You know which television commercial makes me laugh? The one with the kid
1669sitting in his car in the parking lot, dancing like a robot to "Mr. Roboto."
1670Genius. Absolutely no idea what it's selling. 
1671
1672Now, I'm all for sex in advertising, but I think it's gone too far. Steamy,
1673provocative magazine ads are fine, but I was at the beach recently, and there
1674was a prop plane going back and forth along the shoreline trailing a banner
1675that said: "ADD INCHES TO YOUR TINY COCKDENNIS" And then there's no phone
1676number. 
1677
1678Recent advances in digital technology now allow dead celebrities to endorse
1679products that weren't even around when they were living. Just in case the heirs
1680to my estate are getting any funny ideas, I want to get it out of the way right
1681now: No matter what kind of cure for diarrhea they may discover in the year
16822525, leave me out of it. 
1683
1684Now I might not be most objective guy to lecture you on the dangers of
1685pervasive consumerism, given my own occasional forays into the world of
1686advertising. But please believe me: I am just as concerned as any of you about
1687the omnipresence of advertising, and try and take my warnings tonight as a
1688desperately needed wake-up call... of up to 20 minutes for only 99 cents. 
1689
1690As a public person, I'm very picky about what I choose to endorse. A few years
1691back I got a call from some arms dealers. They wanted me to be the spokesman
1692for a Kalashnikov machine gun that they wanted to market to child soldiers in
1693Southeast Asia. I said, "What kind of sick fuck animal do you take me for? You
1694want Jon Lovitz." 
1695
1696You know, folks, it's inescapable. From the designer label on the protruding
1697elastic band of the immense size-52 underpants of the man in front of you in
1698the line at Dunkin' Donuts straining to point out the maple cruller on the
1699bottom rack of the display case - no, no, not that one, that one with the extra
1700frosting and the jimmies - to the drive to work where you are subjected to a
1701flashcard-like strobing of billboards that leaves your brain stamped with
1702subliminal impulses to fly United to Florida's Gulf Coast to take a Princess
1703Cruise to a Radisson Hotel in the Friendly Bahamas, where you'll drink Ronrico
1704White Rum and wear an oversized Tommy Hilfiger shirt, and Merrill hiking shoes,
1705while getting Lasik eye surgery, having your teeth whitened, getting approved
1706for a home loan over the phone and winning a large cash settlement for your
1707personal injury claim. And then the light changes, and you drive a second
1708block. 
1709
1710As a matter of fact, life for me is just the downtime between Chevy "Like a
1711Rock" ads, which have now officially lasted longer than Bob Seeger's actual
1712career. Attention, Madison Avenue: I give up. You've won. Here's my wallet,
1713just get it over with and paint a milk mustache on the Statue of Liberty, OK? 
1714
1715Of course, that's just my opinion. I could be wrong.
1716
1717 
1718Victims' Rights
1719Can you believe that there are actually people out there who want to portray
1720him as a victim? It's about time we put things right for the real victims of
1721crime. 
1722
1723Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but given our scant attention to
1724victims' rights, sometimes they're better off if the criminal is never caught
1725in the first place. At least that way they only get fucked around once. 
1726
1727Maybe the problem is, we're a culture already saturated with victimization.
1728We're all so loud, shrill, and adept at playing the victim in inconsequential
1729situations that an actual bonafide victim stands about as much a chance of
1730being noticed as an unemployed guy with a laptop and a goatee at a Starbucks. 
1731
1732The sheer volume of cases presently deluging the courts pretty much guarantees
1733that no matter how heinous the crime, its victims are faceless entities, mere
1734numbers on a court docket who are accorded all the dignity of a ring girl at a
1735cockfight. 
1736
1737The entire legal system is bent on ensuring the rights of the accused. Victims
1738couldn't wield any less power if they were the California electrical grid. The
1739disparity between the victim's and the criminal's rights is most obvious when
1740it comes to representation. Criminals who can't afford a lawyer get one
1741appointed to them by the court, while victims who cant afford one are relegated
1742to hiring the cycloptic paralegal who advertises during "Mama's Family." 
1743
1744In order to avoid creating vigilantes, society takes the right of retribution
1745for a crime away from the victim and makes it a matter for "the people." Of
1746course, in America this means the solemn burden of justice is in the hands of
1747the same "people" who created the Chia Pet, order the "Backyard Wrestling"
1748tapes, and have demanded 7 distinct flavors of Corn-Nuts. 
1749
1750Come on, there's gotta be a way to protect the rights of victims as well as the
1751accused. For example, victims should have a right to know when the animal who
1752attacked them is going to get out of jail. They shouldn't have to read about it
1753in the papers, or find out their assailant took tax-payer-financed computer
1754courses in prison and has just been hired as their boss. 
1755
1756And how about white collar criminals who bilk people out of their life savings
1757and are then given a slap on the wrist-sentenced to house arrest? The solution
1758is simple: Sentence them to house arrest in their victim's house. Trust me,
1759they'll be beggin' for prison. 
1760
1761As for paying restitution... Well, many criminals don't have any money. What
1762they do have is unlimited time and limited space. I think they should have to
1763spend their entire sentence pedaling a stationary bike in their cell that
1764generates electricity and sends it to the homes of their victims. Take a big
1765chunk out of those monthly utility bills. 
1766
1767And I can't believe that there is any argument against rules requiring
1768convicted child molesters to announce their presence in neighborhoods. Hey,
1769fuck that. I think they should have to wear bells on their shoes and a bright
1770yellow windbreaker that says, "I am a convicted child molester" on the back.
1771But I do have a solution that should make everybody happy: Let's force paroled
1772child molesters to live in the same neighborhoods where all the ACLU attorneys
1773live. 
1774
1775In the case of physical assault, the victim should have the right to choose his
1776assailant's cellmate. If done properly, this one easy step could serve the dual
1777purpose of making the victim feel empowered, and the criminal feel victimized.
1778Or, at the very least, sore. 
1779
1780In our increasingly vengeful society, guaranteeing crime victims their rights
1781is not just desirable. It's essential. It channels that need for vengeance away
1782from chaos and into socially acceptable expression. But if we continue to push
1783victims around, they may one day feel as if they have no choice but to take
1784back their rights in the only way they've seen work: by becoming defendants
1785themselves.
1786
1787Yes, we are all innocent until proven guilty, but when a self-confessed monster
1788like Timothy McVeigh can stall his execution because of a few misplaced boxes
1789of documents that only show how much more guilty he is, we need to hustle his
1790ass up onto that gurney faster than the time it will take for his scumbag
1791lawyers to sign their upcoming book deal. 
1792
1793I endorse the execution of McVeigh. But every now and then I feel a pang of
1794guilt, thinking, "Could he suffer more?" In my fantasy, we get a Port-A-John
1795that's brimming with shit, lock him in it, and put the whole thing on a pickup
1796truck driving slowly cross-country on badly paved roads. 
1797
1798Some anti-death penalty advocates say that McVeigh's execution won't bring
1799closure to the survivors of the bombing. Maybe not, but it will bring closure
1800to McVeigh's eyes, and frankly, that's all I need right now. 
1801
1802Of course, that's just my opinion. I could be wrong.
1803
1804 
1805Death
1806Good to see you can actually laugh at death. Usually, talking about death and
1807dying makes people feel about as comfortable as Shaquille O'Neal flying coach. 
1808
1809Now I don't want to get off on a rant here, but death is the price we pay for
1810life. Oh, by the way, I did see it much cheaper at Costco last weekend, so you
1811might want to shop around. 
1812
1813We have a lot of cute euphemisms for death: "croaked," "kicked the bucket,"
1814"bought the farm," "took a dirt nap," "met your maker," "cashed in your chips,"
1815"ordered-in from the dollar-an-item Mongolian Barbeque in the alley behind the
1816Gold-Chains-By-The-Inch stand downtown." 
1817
1818There is a school of thought, usually promulgated by the topaz-jewelry-wearing,
1819multiple-cat owning, ancient-Volvo-with-"Practice Random Kindness And Senseless
1820Acts Of Beauty"-bumpersticker-driving segment of our population, that says we
1821as a society need to remove the stigma from death and regard it as just another
1822part of life. These rainbow-and-unicorn simpletons ask, "Why do we insist on
1823portraying death as cruel?" Well, it's difficult to answer that question, but
1824if I had to hazard a guess, I would say, because it fucking kills us. 
1825
1826Other cultures, perhaps those with less material wealth but a far richer
1827spiritual heritage, embrace and celebrate death. But then, what do they have to
1828live for in the first place? Of course you're gonna have a big bash for Grandpa
1829Bo-ba-la, Bo-ba-la, Bo-ba-la[CLICK CLICK CLICK] when he goes, he doesn't have
1830to eat dingo shit off a flat rock anymore. 
1831
1832Another thing I don't get is when a society decides they need to keep the
1833remains of a beloved leader on display. That's great as long as they still
1834admire you, but look what happened to Vladimir Lenin. Now they've got him
1835standing up outside a Moscow restaurant, where parking valets pin car keys to
1836his face. 
1837
1838It's ironic that in our culture, everyone's biggest complaint is never having
1839enough time, yet nothing terrifies us more than the idea of eternity. In
1840America, we want to live forever, and a wide array of advanced cosmetic
1841surgeries now guarantees that at least certain parts of us will. In fact, an
1842increasing number of deceased bodies are now neither buried nor cremated, but
1843returned for a deposit. Experts say that over the past 20 years, there's been a
184472-percent increase in the number of eulogies that end in the phrase "Nice
1845Rack." 
1846
1847Everyone who survives a near-death experience reports the same phenomenon, that
1848being a bright light. You know what that light is? It's the doctor, trying to
1849detect any brain function by shining a flashlight into your pupils, you
1850almost-dead clueless jagoff. 
1851
1852Now, the second worst way to die has to be in an airplane crash. The worst way,
1853of course, is choking to death on an apricot pit after waving off the only guy
1854offering you the Heimlich because he was too good-looking, and you were afraid
1855he'd stir something in you that's best left dormant. 
1856
1857Some people feel the need to have very bizarre funerals, trying to be the life
1858of the party even when they're dead by insisting that everyone wear a Hawaiian
1859shirt. These are the same assholes who get married on roller coasters. You
1860know, it's only a matter of time before some octogenarian prankster rigs his
1861body to pop up out of the casket like Big Mouth Billy Bass and sing, "Don't
1862Worry -- Be Happy".
1863
1864And the cost of dying is unbelievable. Because just like in life, in death we
1865can't resist having the latest and best of everything. I mean, a casket with
1866Internet hook-up? Give me a break. When I go, stuff my ass full of candy and
1867toys and let some little Mexican kid whack me with a bat. I don't give a shit;
1868I'm dead. 
1869
1870At my funeral, I want to have a TV screen showing the end of "The Beverly
1871Hillbillies," where they're all waving goodbye, but they have my face digitally
1872superimposed over Granny's. 
1873
1874Einstein said energy can't be created or destroyed. I agree with that. I
1875believe there is a spark inside each and every one of us that lives forever.
1876When we die, I believe that energy leaves the body and floats towards some new
1877vessel. Now if we can just find a way to capture that spark before it finds its
1878new repository, we could keep California's power grid up and running for most
1879of the upcoming summer. 
1880
1881I urge you to view your inevitable demise not with grief or fear but with
1882acceptance and perhaps even hope. Your death is an end to sadness and pain.
1883Your death is a passage to a better world. Your death is a moment of
1884unification with the sacredness of eternity. My death, on the other hand?
1885Greatest fuckin' tragedy in the history of mankind. 
1886
1887Of course, that's just my opinion. I could be wrong.
1888
1889 
1890Civil Disobedience
1891See? That's why we don't summer in Algeria any more: no right to protest. 
1892
1893Now I don't want to get off on a rant here, but, unlike in Algeria, the act of
1894civil disobedience is deeply woven into the fibers of our nation. From the
1895Boston Tea Party to the Beastie Boys' fight for your right to party, our
1896country has a proud history of civil disobedience. 
1897
1898It has been a part of American history ever since the aforementioned plucky
1899band of American colonists refused to pay a tax on tea, thereby paving the way
1900for a free, democratic nation that does not tax tea... except, of course, for a
1901local sales tax paid by the purchaser, an income tax paid by the seller, and
1902corporate taxes paid by the manufacturer... Civil disobedience is the greatest
1903engine for change the world has ever known. 
1904
1905However, all that today's so-called civil disobedient seems to be protesting is
1906boredom and guilt over having well-off parents, while killing time between Dave
1907Matthews concerts. 
1908
1909Throwing a chair through the window of Starbucks because you disapprove of
1910their treatment of coffee pickers in South America is juvenile. Throwing a
1911chair through the window of Starbucks because you asked for a grande latte
1912percent and they gave you a venti half-caf caramel macchiato, well, that?s just
1913basic common sense. 
1914
1915Do you know there are people who refuse to pay their federal income taxes
1916because they don't want their money going towards building weapons of mass
1917destruction? Now, while I applaud these citizens for their dedication to their
1918ideals and for having the courage to act on their personal conscience, I also
1919offer them one word of advice: move. It's a big world out there, Rainbow
1920McDolphin. If you don't feel like paying the cover charge at Club America, pack
1921up your Birkenstocks and find yourself another place to groove. 
1922
1923Many participate in acts of civil disobedience because it gives them an instant
1924community of like-minded brethren who keep them from having to spend their
1925evenings alone, perusing a three-year-old issue of "Mother Jones" magazine
1926under the flickering half-light of that cat-shit-powered lamp in their
1927hydroponic marijuana nursery, before crawling under their unbleached burlap
1928sheets for the unsatisfying solace of a non-gendered dildo carved out of a
1929cruelty-free handmade beeswax candle. 
1930
1931Give them this, though. Today's protesters are a lot more media-savvy than
1932their predecessors, striving to spend more time in front of the camera than a
1933lens cover. Sure, without a doubt, there are many people out there truly
1934sacrificing for a worthy cause. However, I opine that for every one of them,
1935there are many more who are in it for the publicity, the pussy or the buzz. 
1936
1937Come on: Al Sharpton on a hunger strike? Please. All he's doing is going on all
1938the diets he should have been on for the past 20 years, all at once. 
1939
1940I mean, look who's doing the protesting: garage band dropouts, the chronically
1941unemployed, limelight-whore politicians and B-list entertainers. People for
1942whom living up in the top of a tree for 3 years could only be considered a
1943lifestyle improvement. 
1944
1945Remember that girl in the redwood tree, huh? I think her name was Butterfly,
1946and she was living there to keep a timber company from cutting it down. She
1947stayed up in that tree for over a year through lightning storms and rain and
1948fires. And I have to say... I was inspired. So inspired, in fact, that about a
1949week after hearing about Butterfly, when the owner of a local shoe store
1950refused to give me a refund for what was obviously a defective pair of Ugg
1951Boots, well, I got a sleeping bag and some basic supplies and climbed up in the
1952green-striped canvas awning over the shoestore's front door. And I read a book,
1953took a nap, ate an olive-loaf sandwich, talked to some friends on my cell
1954phone... then an hour and a half later, climbed down and went home. I don't
1955think the shoe store owner ever even knew I was up there. But I knew it... and
1956a few people walking by knew it... and I... I just think sometimes you have to
1957take a nap in other people's awnings, that's all. 
1958
1959And a personal note to all the eco-zealots out there, inexplicably blocking the
1960roads to protest global warming: nobody loves this planet more than I do. I
1961live here, most of the time. But don't make me sit in traffic for six hours
1962because the only way Mother Earth will let you fuck her is if I stop using
1963hairspray, OK, Stinkbean? 
1964
1965You know, in 30 years, this country has gone from Vietnam protestors placing
1966rose petals down the barrels of National Guardsmen's rifles to tossing over
1967garbage cans and setting fire to police cars because we?re glad the Lakers won
1968the championship. I can't tell if we've grown soft or just lost our fucking
1969minds. 
1970
1971Ironically, nonviolent protest is at its most effective when it sparks the
1972authorities into violence, shaming them in the eyes of the world. So what I'm
1973saying is, if you're a cop, and some irate malcontent who's dressed up like a
1974sea-turtle is screaming in your face about globalization or multinational
1975corporations or whatever the latest codeword is for "my parents say I have to
1976be out of the house for at least four hours a day," well, pull out your billy
1977club and give him a good whack on that
1978so-many-piercings-you'd-think-it-was-a-fucking-tacklebox head of his. He'll be
1979getting exactly what he wants. And if not, well, at least I will. 
1980
1981Of course, that's just my opinion. I could be wrong.
1982
1983 
1984Energy and the Environment
1985You know, we have windmills here in California, but we use them for miniature
1986golf. Europeans seem to have little sympathy for our current energy woes. Hey,
1987who needs Europe, anyway. I always find it a little grating when Germany refers
1988to us as "power-hungry."
1989
1990Now I don't want to get off on a rant here, but the debate between
1991environmentalists and energy advocates in this country shows no sign of
1992abating, and as a matter of fact, is only getting more confusing. I mean,
1993you've got to love the philosophical clusterfuck that is a bicycle rack on a
1994Lincoln Navigator.
1995
1996And this battle will no doubt be waged for years and years to come, largely
1997because it's fuelled by America's most plentiful natural resource:
1998narrow-minded self-righteous indignation.
1999
2000The state of California is currently bearing the brunt of the energy crisis,
2001with rolling blackouts across the state affecting vital services like
2002hospitals, resulting in countless lopsided boob jobs. For the love of God, will
2003the horror never end???????
2004
2005Our problem is, we don't have enough power plants in our state because with
2006every site allotted for one, someone finds a reason to stop it. Hey, you want
2007to block a power plant because it might interfere with a migratory path for
2008albino duck gerbils? I simply can't go along with that. We have to prioritize
2009and decide what's really important here, people. You want to see animals thrive
2010in their natural habitat? Go to the San Diego Zoo. I'm trying to microwave some
2011popcorn over here.
2012
2013I mean, maybe I'm in the minority with this, but my ideal vision of the world
2014is where the only remaining species are somewhat literate human beings and
2015small, well-mannered Beagles wearing little top hats and bow ties.
2016
2017Let's cut to the chase. The oil companies want to drill in the Arctic National
2018Wildlife Refuge. But the environmentalists say it places in jeopardy a prime
2019breeding ground for Alaskan Caribou. Great, so now I have to pay four dollars a
2020gallon just so Donner and Blitzen can get their rocks off. I say we don't touch
2021the oil reserves and just invent a car that runs on endangered species. Yeah,
2022put a tiger in your tank. Literally.
2023
2024If we are to maintain our position as a world power, we must dedicate ourselves
2025to finding acceptable alternatives to fossil fuels. Wind power and solar power
2026are clean, cheap, safe, renewable sources of energy, which, I believe, will be
2027widely utilized as soon as someone figures out how to establish a price-gouging
2028monopoly on them.
2029
2030All kidding aside, I'm actually a big proponent of using alternative energy. As
2031a matter of fact, at this very moment, every single watt of electricity in my
2032home is being provided by an alternative energy source: a low-cost, underground
2033shunt-wire that my brother-in-law David has tapped into my next door neighbor's
2034fuse-box.
2035
2036Now we're supposed to buy disposable diapers that are environmentally friendly,
2037diapers that break down more readily when placed in landfills. Hey, should
2038there ever come a time when I'm wearing a disposable diaper, fuck you, fuck the
2039planet, fuck everything.
2040
2041As I've said, at my house, everyone is aware of the energy crisis, and we all
2042pitch in to do our part. For example, I never use the twin Boeing 747 engines I
2043bought to run my Dancing Waters Lagoon while running my Bumper Boats at the
2044same time. That just wouldn't be fair to others.
2045
2046Another way I do my part is going down to the ride-share station in my
2047neighborhood and inviting a complete stranger to get inside my car, so we can
2048qualify for the carpool lane. It shaves about forty-five minutes off my
2049commute, and sometimes, if I'm lucky, the stranger will hold a gun to my head
2050and force me to blow him. You see? Saving the planet doesn't have to be all
2051drudgery!
2052
2053You know, I may pretend not to care about what happens thousands of miles away
2054in a place I'll probably never see. But I know that all of life is deeply
2055interconnected and interdependent in a symbiotic, primal dance. That a
2056butterfly beating its wings in the African bush can dislodge a particle of dust
2057that makes a monkey sneeze, which startles a herd of gazelle into stampeding,
2058causing a rockslide down a hill which dams up a stream and floods it, creating
2059moisture which evaporates and cools the air, which rushes into the hot air
2060above it, becoming a cyclone, which whirls out to sea and joins up with other
2061storm clouds, forming an enormous raging squall that travels thousands of miles
2062across the ocean, disrupting electromagnetic fields and making my cell phone
2063cut out. Fuckin' butterflies.
2064
2065Of course, that's just my opinion. I could be wrong.
2066
2067 
2068Anxiety
2069Interestingly enough, "anxiety" comes from an old Greek word that means "Dennis
2070Miller."
2071
2072Now I don't want to get off on a rant here, but to me, anxiety makes sense. I
2073see it as a reasonable response to the frightening clusterfuck that is our
2074increasingly stressful world. The people who creep me out are the ones who
2075don't seem to be bothered by anything. My theory is that anybody who has it
2076completely together in times like these is either stupid, crazy or evil. I'm on
2077to you, Dr. Phil.
2078
2079Mental health professionals believe that anxiety stems from not facing your
2080true emotional needs. That's why psychiatrists advise you to uncover those
2081hidden fears you dare not name-because then, and only then, can you can stop
2082being anxious and start being completely fucking insane, and that's where you
2083make the real money.
2084
2085Over the last decade, pagers, cellphones and personal data assistants have
2086marionetted us into a Sysyphean existence where we are perpetually ten minutes
2087late for our next appointment. The only reason we're living longer is because
2088we can't fit death into our schedules anymore. Anybody remember a simpler time
2089when "Palm Pilot" was just a nickname your friends gave you when you hit
2090puberty?
2091
2092Youth-obsessed, money-hungry power-grabbing Los Angeles is Ground Xanax for
2093anxiety. You see it right there in the clenched jaw of the high-strung B-movie
2094producer who's wrestling his Humvee into the handicapped parking spot so he can
2095get to his meditation class on time.
2096
2097Anxiety can lead to certain phobias such as fear of strangers, fear of
2098elevators, fear of airplanes, fear of heights, fear of speaking in public, and
2099fear of parties. Got it, got it, need it, got it, need it, got it.
2100
2101Some guys suffer from urination anxiety: the presence of other men acts like a
2102psychological truck parking on top of their personal garden hose. Now, I have
2103the reverse: I can only pee when somebody else is watching. So if you ever run
2104into me in a rest room and I've got a sock puppet over my free hand saying,
2105(SQUEAKY VOICE) "I can see your wee wee, Dennis!" I'm not a freak or anything.
2106That is a prescription sock puppet.
2107
2108Then there is sexual performance anxiety. Always having the fear that your cock
2109is too big, or you'll last too long or after a night in bed with you, the woman
2110won't find any other man satisfying and she'll fall into a deep depression. Of
2111course, that was never my problem. NEVER. NEVER ONCE.
2112
2113I suppose I have one of the odder anxiety triggers, I plunge into panic when
2114Stone Philips wears earth tones.
2115
2116Many people find the most disturbing thing about panic attacks is you never
2117know when they're going to strike, which in itself becomes a source of anxiety.
2118But I'm lucky. I'm in a constant state, so there's really never any surprises.
2119Guess I'm just blessed. (DARTING LOOK OVER SHOULDER)
2120
2121People deal with anxiety in many different ways: some take yoga, some take tai
2122chi, others work it off in the gym. Me? Well, once a month or so, I take off
2123all my clothes, get on my candy-apple-red moped, and drive really fast into a
2124field of corn. As the stalks and ears of caressing maize batter my exposed
2125flesh, I suddenly feel my other problems melting away. Sure, it means coming
2126home in the back of a police car with a blanket around my head and shoulders,
2127but sorry kids. Daddy needs his "Me Time."
2128
2129Hey, if you suffer from chronic anxiety, repeated panic attacks, obsessions,
2130compulsions or social phobias, take my advice, forget therapy and don't even
2131think about drugs. I know it sounds crazy, but my sanctuary has always been...
2132well... the Laundromat. Think about it. You can immerse yourself in the calming
2133hum of the washing machines, the familiar warmth emanating from the dryers, the
2134comforting smell of soap and the soothing snap and pleasant pop of loving
2135mothers folding clean sheets. Relax in the uncompetitive, undemanding realm of
2136vending machines that feature off-brand sodas and Circus Peanuts.
2137Self-conscious about your appearance? Just take a look around. By comparison,
2138you are a prince. Socially awkward? Well, anything short of flinging fecal
2139matter at the change lady, and you're a charmer in this quirky little kingdom.
2140Obsessive compulsive? Hey, go ahead. Count quarters until your fingers bleed.
2141Sexually frustrated? Well, just collect the thick wads of lint from all the
2142dryers and fashion them into a large lifelike doll, lean it up against a
2143washing machine during the spin cycle and start grinding your pelvis against
2144her-but be gentle. You don't want to cause Dusty Lady any anxiety.
2145
2146Of course, that's just my opinion. I could be wrong.
2147
2148 
2149Bureaucracy
2150Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but bureaucracy is out of control.
2151Bureaucracy is out of control. Bureaucracy is out of control. They told me I
2152had to give you that in triplicate. We live in a society where it's easier to
2153climb back into the birth canal than it is to get a copy of a certificate to
2154prove you were actually born.
2155
2156Bureaucracy. Just take a look at the word itself. How come there's no "O"? It
2157sounds like there should be an "O", but instead there's an "E", an "A" and a
2158"U". Of course, the sensible thing to do would be to eliminate those
2159unnecessary letters and just replace them with the "O", but it can't be done
2160because "E" has tenure, "A" is the union shop steward and "U" is married to the
2161boss' accountant's son.
2162
2163Truthfully, I'd be perfectly fine with all the rules and red tape if we didn't
2164have to wait in line for so long that the people in the line eventually develop
2165their own distinctive regional dialect. Hey, is it any coincidence that
2166government offices have the birth and death registries in the same room?
2167
2168I can't even clean up after my dog now without first getting an environmental
2169impact statement from the Army Corps of Engineers. It's gotten so bad, I demand
2170to see three different forms of ID before I'll let me pleasure myself in the
2171shower.
2172
2173And is there any welter of perdition more soul-destroying than the Department
2174of Motor Vehicles? People go in whistling like Andy Griffith skipping rocks and
2175leave more pissed off than Gary Condit's wife. In exchange for the privilege of
2176operating an automobile, you have to embark on a Hieronymus-Bosch-like odyssey
2177through the dingy, institutional-green, cinderblock-lined bowels of the System
2178at its most wearisome. First you find the line for the people who have
2179appointments, then you wait for them to call your name, then you get in another
2180line for people with your blood type and birth date, then the clerk who's been
2181taking people in your line goes to lunch, so you have to line up at another
2182window, then after several evolutionary epochs, during which innumerable
2183species have arisen, roamed the earth and then succumbed to eventual
2184extinction, you finally reach the front of the line where the whole process
2185culminates in you challenging Death to a chess match.
2186
2187I discovered one of the more frustrating strains of bureaucracy recently when I
2188applied for a mortgage. Hey, all I want is to borrow some money and pay you
2189back five times the amount over the next 30 years. If I don't pay it back you
2190keep the house and my money. And let me get this straight-- you're trying to
2191stop me?
2192
2193What is particularly exasperating about bureaucracy is you can never put a face
2194or a name to the logjam. That's because the genius of bureaucracy is it's never
2195one person's fault -- it's everyone's. It's ineptitude in its most socialistic
2196form. Whenever you walk into a store that proudly stresses teamwork, save
2197yourself some time and money and just back your naked ass up to the
2198ream-a-tron.
2199
2200The reason bureaucracies metastasize the way they do nowadays is that when you
2201go to fire someone, they automatically sue you. So it is now easier to just
2202give them a desk, and say, "Don't touch anything," and then tell everyone what
2203a great job they're doing, in the hopes that your competitor will eventually
2204steal them away from you.
2205
2206Ah, the bureaucrat. A murky figure, smelling slightly of fax toner, for whom
2207you must constantly tack back and forth between sympathy and white-hot
2208antipathy. Sure, there are plenty of them out there who are hard-working and
2209conscientious and friendly. But there are just as many who have used their
2210Vanilla extract-sized drop of power to build a tiny administrative empire out
2211of policies and waiting lists and access to files, so that -- for the 2-4 hours
2212a day they're actually working -- they may bestride the rest of us like some
2213kind of Cubicle Colossus, bellowing, "I am Ozymandias, Clerk of Clerks! Look on
2214my files, ye mighty, and despair!"
2215
2216Let's face it: We might complain bitterly about bureaucracy and red tape, but
2217at least they give us something to blame when our lives don't go exactly the
2218way we want them to. There is something admittedly soothing about the
2219abdication of responsibility, the Zen-like moment when you give up and see the
2220poetry in the ticket agent telling you not only does your flight reservation
2221not exist, you're going to be charged for the ticket anyway; the college
2222admissions board notifying you that your grade-point average is too high to
2223qualify for a scholarship; or the VA official who tells you to your face that
2224you died in combat over 30 years ago. Lose yourself in the arcane maze of
2225nonsensical rules, delight in the Lewis Carroll anarchy of the organizational
2226world. In other words, relax and take it easy, because if you do flip out and
2227have to be committed to the nuthouse, you would not believe the fuckin'
2228paperwork involved.
2229
2230Of course, that's just my opinion. I could be wrong.
2231
2232 
2233The Institution of Marriage
2234The White House is looking into a plan that would allow illegal immigrants to
2235stay in the United States. The plan calls for a million Mexicans to marry a
2236million of our ugliest citizens.
2237
2238Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but no matter how much it has
2239changed, marriage is a vital cog in our societal machine. Dating's fine, living
2240together is great, but anyone who's truly in love eventually looks at their
2241partner and thinks, "I want to cut down on having sex with this person and get
2242on their insurance plan."
2243
2244Are marriages failing, or are people simply living longer and finding that they
2245can't stay with the same person for that long? The answer is, marriages are
2246failing. You know your marriage is in trouble when your wife starts wearing the
2247wedding ring on her middle finger. Here in Hollywood you can actually get a
2248marriage license printed on an etch-a-sketch.
2249
2250Until recently, television was notorious for romanticizing bachelor-hood, while
2251making vague insinuations about the sexuality of the "unattached woman."
2252Magnum, P.I., got more different ass than a rental car, while Laverne actually
2253had an 'L' sewn onto her sweater.
2254
2255Seems like every wedding nowadays has to be a "themed" wedding. There's
2256period-costume weddings. Elvis weddings. Fairy Tale weddings. Weddings so
2257unbelievably complicated and elaborate, the only way you can tell who's
2258actually getting married is to find the couple that's fucking in the coatroom
2259and ask them who they're the Best Man and Maid of Honor for.
2260
2261If you want to truly understand how complex marriage has become, simply ask the
2262people on the front lines: the ones who make up the wedding invitations. They
2263are constantly trying to skirt around the gender, age and parental issues and
2264still get paid: "Mona Johnson and her life partner Brianne invite you to the
2265wedding of their son Lars and his lover Oswaldo, with the blessing of their
2266surrogate daughter Quan, where they will be married by their Shaman, Ali Ben
2267Shapiro, in Carlsbad Caverns on the eve of the Summer Solstice, to be followed
2268by an all-Vegan Luau, featuring the music of two members of Kansas. Dress:
2269Casual Friday meets 80's disco. No furs. The couple is registered at Nordstrom
2270and Zach's House of Knobby Dildoes."
2271
2272While straight couples have been breaking their vows for years, gay couples are
2273still fighting to gain that right. Gay unions are now legal in a state like
2274Vermont, but they are not having much luck in the South, where there are strict
2275rules, which forbid getting married unless you are heterosexual, fourteen or
2276"kin". Hey, folks, truth be told, gays have been getting married for a long,
2277long time... Just not to each other.
2278
2279I once went to a lesbian wedding ceremony between my wife's former hair
2280stylist, a lovely thirty-year-old woman, and her partner, a very hot dental
2281hygienist in her mid-twenties. The wedding itself was small and simple. The
2282reception was warm and friendly. And from what I could see from my surveillance
2283hammock in the branches of a tree high outside the third floor of the Laguna
2284Beach Hilton, the wedding night was not nearly kinky enough.
2285
2286Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that
2287marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what's more
2288life-affirming than cold, hard cash?
2289
2290The difficult thing about marriage for men is that they know they shouldn't get
2291married unless they're mature, but they feel they can't become mature unless
2292they get married. I'm not sure I know what the answer is, other than, I would
2293caution you to not fuck the stripper at your bachelor party.
2294
2295But guys should never whine about marriage, because guys are no prize,
2296especially when we get older. I was at the post office last week, and standing
2297in front of me was some guy in his mid-seventies. He was wearing a powder blue
2298polyester shirt more pilled than a nightstand at Graceland, and dusted with so
2299much dandruff, I was torn between gagging and placing "Christmas Village"
2300figurines on his shoulders. He was also wearing a nylon mesh ball cap with the
2301phrase "Ask Me About My Prostate" on it and off-white slacks with a white belt
2302and a large pee spot somehow near the knee. And you wanna know the most
2303shocking part of his ensemble? He was wearing a wedding ring. The one that I
2304placed on his finger a scant two years ago. I love you, pappy!
2305
2306Of course, that's just my opinion. I could be wrong.
2307
2308 
2309Sex and Washington, D.C.
2310Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but if they didn't want Washington
2311to be a hotbed of sexual activity, they shouldn't have named it after the guy
2312who fathered the entire country. I mean, what else can you expect from a town
2313that's famed for its cherry blossoms?
2314
2315Sex has served as the you-don't-want-to-know-where-it's-been coin of the realm
2316in American politics, long before the Clintons and Condits came along. Thomas
2317Jefferson is said to have sired a child by one of his slaves, and, like I said,
2318I wouldn't be surprised if the original George W. left a set of those wooden
2319teeth on the wrong nightstand now and then.
2320
2321Let's face it: there's constant groping going on in our nation's capital even
2322when George Bush isn't trying to find the right word.
2323
2324Do I think power corrupted Gary Condit? No. You can't blame Congress for
2325turning him into something he already was. Gary Condit is simply a skeevy hound
2326using the illusion of power to get laid. An everyman, as it were. If Condit
2327wasn't a congressman, he'd be working as a car salesman who appears in his own
2328TV commercials somewhere in central California, trying to nail female customers
2329with the same mix of low-rent celebrity and bullshit power by telling them he's
2330John Davidson's half-brother and he can "do something" for them on the
2331undercoating.
2332
2333Hey, at least if Condit had spent more time in California, he could've gotten
2334some decent plastic surgery. Oedipus Rex had a better eye job. Looks like this
2335guy had his crow's feet dermabraded out by some piercing pagoda flunky in
2336Silver Spring, Maryland, who gave him a great rate but unfortunately ensured
2337that good old Gary would spend the rest of his life looking like Lee Harvey
2338Oswald in the nanosecond he spotted Jack Ruby lurching towards him.
2339
2340Oh, by the way. I don't think Condit had anything to do with Chandra Levy's
2341disappearance. Because I believe he was too busy at the time arranging for the
2342death of Robert Blake's wife.
2343
2344You know, it's guys like Condit who make me usually side with the women in
2345these libidinal conflagrations. Everyone criticized Monica Lewinsky for being
2346so indiscreet about blowing the President, but come on: What's the point of
2347blowing the President if you can't tell everyone about it? I mean, there've
2348only been 42 of those cocks and you had one lodged in your noggin. Why not take
2349out an ad in the trades?
2350
2351Now, I don't believe there's any danger of a sex scandal with our current
2352administration. President Bush not only appears to be deeply in love with his
2353wife, he thinks "fetish" is something you crumble on top of a Greek salad. And
2354as for Dick Cheney, well, his team of doctors has cautioned him to not even
2355look at a Sears bra ad, much less fuck.
2356
2357More disturbing than the sex scandals that emanate from Washington, DC, is the
2358realization that they are merely the tip of the vice-berg. The elective process
2359in our nation is like a recipe for kink: Take some jagoff in a clip-on tie who,
2360under any other circumstances, couldn't get laid if his penis had its own
2361vagina; send him far away from his bowling-trophy wife for months at a time;
2362stir in a little power and influence, and fold it all into a town that has more
2363over-used escorts than a Budget rent-a-car lot. Add to that thousands of
2364wide-eyed young acolytes flooding into the Below-the-Beltway each year, giving
2365off a heady fer-a-moan brew of ambition and naivete that an aging political
2366billy goat can smell a mile away. Christ, Washington is like Club Med for
2367doughy, old, unattractive white guys. The crew from "Cocoon" would be
2368considered the Rat Pack in DC. You think I'm exaggerating the way it works down
2369there, folks? I don't think so. Let's put it this way: Newt Gingrich was
2370getting laid. OK? Nuff said.
2371
2372Henry Kissinger once said, "Power is the ultimate aphrodisiac." He was right
2373because no one got more primo skirt than Hank Kissinger in the 70's, and this
2374guy looked like a troll doll hanging from the rearview mirror of a Volkswagen
2375Beetle.
2376
2377What trips up politicians is never the actual sex itself. We know they have
2378sex. We expect them to have sex. What we hate is the arrogance that accompanies
2379the inevitable exposure of the sex as unfailingly as seagulls trailing chum.
2380Somehow, Mr. Smith-Comes-On-Washington starts to assume that the American
2381public is just as gullible as the 20-year-old kid that he's been bending over
2382his desk on alternate Wednesday evenings for the last two years. Full of
2383pry-appic swagger, when the rumors of hanky-panky start percolating, he runs
2384his hand through his blow-dried Bobby Goldsboro helmet-cut coif, then maybe he
2385sprays a shot of Binaca in his mouth, shoots his cuffs, and goes in front of
2386the news cameras and denies everything. Practically insists that Wolf Blitzer
2387hook his nuts up to a polygraph. And he just keeps on smiling that "Fuck you,
2388you can't touch me, I'm bulletproof cause I got my constituents a plow museum
2389built last year" grin. Come on, give us more credit than that. We know you're
2390fucking around. Just cop to it. We read you like the top line of an eye chart.
2391We know why Strom Thurmond keeps going to work everyday. Because of the very
2392good possibility that one day soon, he's gonna get lucky with some hot, young
239380-year-old.
2394
2395Of course, that's just my opinion. I could be wrong.
2396
2397 
2398Guilt
2399One thing I bet the [Clinton's] book won't say is, "I was wrong. I'm sorry."
2400For eight years, he felt everything... except for guilt. But why should he? In
2401our therapeutic society, "guilt" has become a dirty word.
2402
2403Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God's way of
2404letting you know that you're having too good a time.
2405
2406In the elaborate wardrobe of human emotions, guilt is the itchy wool turtleneck
2407that's three sizes too small. Guilt may be difficult to articulate, but when it
2408surfaces, it's as unwelcome and distinct as Jethro Bodine in the lobby of an
2409Ian Shraeger hotel.
2410
2411What is guilt? Guilt is the pledge drive constantly hammering in our heads that
2412keeps us from fully enjoying the show. Guilt is the reason they put the
2413articles in Playboy.
2414
2415Some experience guilt as the voice of their better natures, while for others,
2416it's the voice of an authority figure like a parent or a teacher. For me, the
2417voice of guilt, interestingly enough, is Jimmie Walker with a slight head cold.
2418
2419Contributing our recurrent feelings of guilt is the fact that, in our
2420day-to-day lives, we consistently overcommit ourselves, so there is always
2421something we're failing to do. The average American's dayplanner has fewer
2422holes in it than Ray Charles's dartboard. It's gotten to the point where I
2423don't even have time to feel guilty, unless I multi-task by also using that
2424time to feel vaguely lackadaisical and kind of twitchy.
2425
2426It's harder to hide guilt than it is to hide an order of bananas flambee from
2427Al Roker when he's wearing infrared goggles. And I think the reason is, people
2428secretly want to be caught, chastised and punished, in order to subconsciously
2429prove to themselves that there is indeed an order to the universe that
2430transcends their flawed, limited selves -- or at least, so you can pull down a
2431cool million spouting that line of bullshit in the book you're plugging on
2432"Oprah."
2433
2434There are many different types of guilt: healthy guilt, unhealthy guilt,
2435Catholic guilt, and, of course, the newest entry, Condit guilt...
2436Representative Gary Condit is a good example of a person who should be racked
2437with guilt about impeding the investigation of a missing woman. But he is
2438somehow able to speed by the photographers with a smile so big, you would think
2439he was attending his movie premiere at Mann's Chinese Theater. Hey, Gary, make
2440sure to keep that smile on down there when Mephistopheles is rammin' that
2441pitchfork handle up your ass for the rest of eternity.
2442
2443Ironically, guilt is most likely to visit the people who deserve it the least.
2444Trust me, the only thing that keeps Slobodan Milosevic awake at night is
2445puzzlement over why nobody's nominating him for sainthood, but I can't look at
2446my dog Mr. Tingles without cringing at the time two years ago, when I
2447accidentally stepped on his tail just as he was leaping at a Frisbee, and he
2448screamed like a Backstreet Boy taking a polo mallet to the nuts.
2449
2450There are some people so predisposed to guilt, when they're born, the first
2451thing that comes out of their mouth after being slapped by the doctor is
2452"Harder! Harder!"
2453
2454I still feel pangs of remorse over an insidious habit I've had since I was a
2455teenager. About three times a week, I attend estate auctions and make
2456insulting, lowball bids for prized heirlooms until I'm asked to leave. Point me
2457to the shower, I'm a baaaaaad man.
2458
2459Many people feel guilty about masturbating. I celebrate it. I say, "Harder!
2460Harder!" What's there to feel guilty about? It's a natural way to relieve
2461stress. Okay, maybe not when someone cuts in front of you in line at the
2462supermarket, but certainly when you get back out to your car.
2463
2464I've actually written a book about guilt, entitled "Fuck You, I'm Sorry."
2465
2466Hey, for a long time, I felt tremendously guilty about things that were not in
2467any way my fault, but with the help of an excellent therapist, I have finally
2468accepted that there are things beyond my control. Now I simply breathe deep,
2469release them into the cosmos, and move on. Poverty in distant lands, injustices
2470that were committed long before I was born, that brand new Mercedes that I
2471rammed repeatedly while trying to wedge my massive, gas-guzzling SUV into a
2472handicapped parking space - Dennis just can't be held responsible for the
2473entire world.
2474
2475Invented by religion, enforced by the state, and cashed in on by the
2476psychiatric community, guilt is what keeps society from completely unraveling.
2477Yet our culture is rife with politically correct apologists telling us to let
2478go of the shame that binds us, and to treat our mistakes as learning
2479experiences that we have to "heal" from and "put behind us" as quickly as we
2480can. Well, that's just bullshit. If you do something wrong, you should feel
2481guilty about it. Guilt is the pruning shears that society developed to prevent
2482you from growing into an even bigger asshole than you already are. Sorry, I
2483feel bad that I said that.
2484
2485Of course, that's just my opinion. I could be wrong.
2486
2487 
2488Air Travel
2489Now I don't want to get off an a rant here, but flying in this country
2490has turned into an amazingly arduous process, especially boarding the
2491plane, which has now become this tedious Bataan death march with American
2492Tourister overnight bags. I get stuck behind this one guy, who takes
2493forever to get situated. He's clogging the aisle like a piece of human
2494cholesterol jammed in the passengerial artery. You just want to get that
2495soft drink cart and flush his ass out the back door. He's folding that
2496sport jacket like he's in the color guard at Arlington National Cemetery.
2497
2498Or else I get stuck behind a wizard who wants to beat the system by
2499gaffer-taping a twine handle onto a refrigerator-freezer box and calling
2500it "carry on." Wedging it into the overhead with hydraulic jacks. It's
2501like trying to get Pavarotti into a wet suit, for Christ's sake.
2502
2503And exactly when did stewardesses in this country get so fucking cranky?
2504I know it's a tough job. There's got to be a thousand different ways to
2505tie that neckerchief but why piss on me, huh? You know the worst thing
2506about it is they don't even come clean with you and tell you much they
2507hate you. They treat you with that highly contrived air of mock civility,
2508that tight, pursed-lip grin where they nod agreement with everything you
2509say. You know right behind that face plate they barely tolerate your very
2510existence. I'd rather they just come out in the open and say, "Hey,
2511listen asshole. When I was eighteen years old, I made a horrible
2512vocational error, all right? I turned my entire adult life in for cheap
2513airfare to Barbados. Now I've got hair with the tensile strength of Elsa
2514Lanchester in 'Bride of Frankenstein.' I haven't met Mr. Right. I'm a
2515waitress in a bad restaurant at thirty thousand feet. Jam your Diet Slice
2516up your ass, all right?" At least show me something. Come down the aisle
2517like the old broad in 'From Russia with Love' with the knife point coming
2518out of her shoe. "Peanuts, Mr. Bond?"
2519
2520What about when you leave the plane and they've got them propped by the
2521front door in that complete android catatonic stupor where they look like
2522the Yul Bryner robot from 'Westworld' when he blew a headpipe and iced
2523Marcus Welby's assistant. "Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye." It's like your
2524stockbroker on Thorazine or something.
2525
2526And am I the only one who likes to get on a plane and unwind with a good
2527book? Sit there in a little peace and quiet. I'm constantly in
2528conversation with complete strangers - always being approached by these
2529overly ebullient Jonathan Livingston Human types. This eighteen-year-old
2530kid who's on his way back from Aruba and wants to show me this skull bong
2531he purchased there that's carved out of volcanic rock. You know he's
2532always got a dream he wants me to interpret for him. What am I, Queequeg?
2533And you're afraid to not talk to him. You never know who the fucking
2534terrorist is on the plane. I'd hate to alienate anybody who's looking
2535for a prom date to Valhalla.
2536
2537There's a lot of terrorism in the air, but you know when you walk through
2538the air terminal and see the crack security people manning the perimeter,
2539I think we all sleep the sleep of angels. Came into Phoenix the other
2540day, the woman working the X-ray machine had the attention span of Boo
2541Radley. She's sitting there like Captain Pike from "Star Trek." She had
2542a channel flicker. She's watching baggage from other airports, for
2543Christ's sake.
2544
2545You think pilots make fun of those guys who bring them the last ten feet
2546into the terminal with those cone flashlights? "Well, thank you, Vasco
2547da Gamma. I kited in from Malaysia, you're going to take me the last
2548furlong, Captain Eveready. I hope you don't blow a D-cell. I'd hate to
2549be stuck out here in the Bermuda Tarmac for the rest of my life."
2550
2551What about those masks that drop down in the event of decompression?
2552That's a pretty flimsy-looking apparatus, isn't it? Doesn't this look
2553remarkably like a Parkay margarine cup on the end of an enema bag or
2554something? They always have these bizarre instructions to start the flow
2555of oxygen. "Tug down lightly on the cord." Yeah, you know when I'm
2556shoulder-rolling at seven hundred miles per hour, "lightly" just isn't in
2557my fucking vocabulary, all right? You know people are going to be
2558Conaning those things right off the bulkhead. Something intrinsically
2559cruel having the last forty seconds of your life turn into a "Lucy" skit.
2560
2561I think instead of oxygen, they ought to pump in nitrous oxide. This way,
2562if the plane does wreck - that first rescue team comes onto the scene -
2563you're up in a tree still strapped in your seat just laughing your ass
2564off. Guys say, "Bobby, get over here. Look how hip this guy is. I mean,
2565he's naked, he's blue, he's howling. This cat is centered, huh?"
2566
2567You know what I hate is when you're sitting in coach class and they pull
2568that curtain on first class. Oh, I see, they paid and extra forty dollars
2569and I'm a fucking leper. I always get the feeling that if the plane's
2570about to wreck, the front compartment breaks off into a little Goldfinger
2571miniplane. They're on their way to Rio and I'm a charcoal briquette on
2572the ground.
2573
2574You know who I feel sorry for in the whole air-travel scenario? It's the
2575poor bastard who has to drive the jetway. You know that little accordion
2576tentacle that weaves its way out to meet the plane? Everybody else is
2577Waldo Pepperin' around in their Bobby Lansing leather bomber jackets, the
2578right stuff coursing through their veins as they push the outside of the
2579envelope. Your job is to drive the building.
2580
2581A lot of qualifications to sit next to that exit door, huh? When did that
2582happen? I've been a physical klutz for years. I'm like Clouseau.
2583Nobody's ever said a word. All of a sudden they want me to be a fucking
2584Navy SEAL. I guess they want to be sure the person sitting there doesn't
2585panic in the event that the plane goes down in water. Item number 8 on
2586the qualification list was "You must not be Ted Kennedy."
2587 
2588
2589The Music Industry
2590Did you guys see the Grammys the other night? Christ, there are more
2591subcategories than Larry Flynt's home video library. I think somebody actually
2592won for "Best Silence."
2593
2594Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but the music industry is in more
2595trouble than a late-shift radar operator in Baghdad.
2596
2597Hey, lets put our cards on the obsolete turntable. The Music Industry has
2598nothing to do with music. What you hear on the radio today is one-half
2599marketing, one-half public relations and two-thirds timing. And if that math
2600makes sense to you, you probably work in the Royalties Department at any one of
2601the major labels.
2602
2603Now, I watched the Grammy Awards on Wednesday, and all I kept thinking was,
2604"Hey, where's a rolling blackout when you really need one?" I couldn't help but
2605be struck by the fact that, while our founding fathers guaranteed us all the
2606right to freedom of speech, they never said anything about singing, OK? A lot
2607of this stuff is just @#%$, and unwrapping the CD is often more complex than
2608the thought that went into the music.
2609
2610I love music. It gives you something to listen to while you're watching videos.
2611And make no mistake, the music industry has turned itself into a visual medium
2612and, that being the case, I feel I'm within my rights to respectfully request
2613that the members of Steely Dan never be allowed to appear on a prime-time
2614telecast ever again. For Christ's sake, for a second there, I thought I was
2615watching "The X-Files." Is it just me, or do the two guys in Steely Dan look
2616like Ben & Jerry coming out of rehab? The only reason Steely Dans latest album
2617is selling so well is that 50-year-olds don't know how to download it for free.
2618
2619You know why Eminem showed up at the Grammy's? Because it sells. Eminem isn't
2620about freedom of speech as much as he is about the freedom to make a buck. He
2621isn't peddling his songs underground to get his point across; he needs
2622controversy to keep him famous because of his unfortunate dearth of talent. He
2623stops selling records, and no one gives a @#%$ about his freedom of speech
2624anymore. You think Gino Vanelli stopped making records because he gave up the
2625right to his freedom of speech? You know what? I like Eminem. Not because he's
2626funny, or because I like his music. I just like what he has to say about women
2627and gays ... Wait, I don't mean that. That's just an ironic character I'm
2628playing, casting light on our society's new wave of political correctness.
2629Before you focus too much of your time and energy of loathing Eminem for his
2630music, let me spin this little scenario for you. Marilyn Manson spent Wednesday
2631night watching the Grammys on a 13-inch black-and-white television set with a
2632coat hanger for an antenna, at a Grange Hall in Bismark, North Dakota, after
2633unveiling his apocalyptic vision for the future to fifty or so pasty-faced Goth
2634losers who left during the encore so they could get home and watch "Temptation
2635Island." And trust me, Manson was so depressed that he is no longer in the
2636crosshairs of the hate-rock controversy, he could barely wriggle out of his
2637fake vagina suit.
2638
2639People like Eminem get all the attention, but the music industry is still very
2640much alive, pulsating with vibrant, unique, and indeed weltanschauung-shaping
2641musicians. Beck's "Midnite Vultures" offers a fiery, eclectic mingling of
2642genres that we've not witnessed since "Exile On Mainstreet." Radiohead's "Kid
2643A" has picked up Pink Floyd's torch to help illuminate the cringing fears of a
2644lurching generation unable to shake their parents post-Kerouacian haze. 'N
2645Sync's silvery, almost symphonic harmonies pick up where early Hanson left off,
2646suggesting optimistic redemption with dulcet choruses that say you may not love
2647me now, but I can try, try, try.
2648
2649Pop music has a rich legacy of ripping people off. First, the white musicians
2650stole from the blacks. Then, the producers stole from the performers. Then, the
2651performers and the producers formed an alliance to steal from us by charging 19
2652dollars for a CD with only one halfway decent song on it. So I for one salute
2653Napster, because it's high time the public finally had an opportunity to horn
2654in on a piece of the action. Considering how badly you get @#%$ every time you
2655go into a record store, I have to assume Richard Branson was trying to be
2656ironic when he named the place Virgin.
2657
2658Now, industry people will tell you that Napster is unfair, and denies musicians
2659of their rightful, hard-earned cash. But musicians are going to waste their
2660hard-earned cash anyway, OK? They're musicians. Napster will only be a serious
2661problem for the industry when it starts cutting into a musician's anonymous
2662backstage blowjob residuals. Hey, the bottom line on Napster is, it means no
2663more paying for overpriced CD's and putting money into the pockets of the
2664bloated, corrupt media conglomerates. All you need is a computer with a
2665high-speed modem, extra memory, a CD-ROM attachment, an extra phone line,
2666Internet access, a CD burner, blank CD's, a how-to manual, and NO @#%$ LIFE.
2667
2668You know what-the music industry has always been about the coin. If they'd been
2669invented at the time, Mozart would've sold t-shirts in the back of the hall.
2670And Ticketmaestro would've skimmed their 20% off the top. While the sounds of
2671U2 might be music to our ears, all the music industry hears is the soothing
2672chime of the cash register. But the one thing you have to say about the music
2673business is, for the artists, if the product is great, it'll also be timeless.
2674All you have to do is look at the Billboard charts to see that The Beatles are
2675just as popular today as they were when Yoko broke them up. Not that I dwell on
2676that. And Yoko, by the way, if you're out there listening tonight, why dont you
2677level your karma and start dating one of the Baha Men, OK?
2678
2679Of course, that's just my opinion. I could be wrong.
2680
2681 
2682Free Speech
2683Now I don't want to get off on a rant here, but after September 11th, freedom
2684of speech in America has become a topic that's touchier than a Vatican summer
2685camp. 
2686
2687Our Founding Fathers were supreme champions of freedom of speech. But we should
2688never forget that Alexander Hamilton was shot over something he said. Because
2689in their infinite wisdom our Founding Fathers also gave us the second
2690amendment, the right to bear arms, which is a reminder that while we can pretty
2691much do and say whatever we want-you better watch it, asshole. 
2692
2693The free-speechers always argue the slippery-slope: if you muzzle free speech,
2694before you know it, we're living in 1984 and Big Brother is picking out our
2695ties. Those seeking to control free speech, on the other hand, argue that if we
2696allow Johnny Soulpatch to burn the flag, before you know it, we're living in
2697"Lord of the Flies" and Piggy is fighting for his life. But there is a middle
2698ground between government rule and mob rule. A place where only those who can
2699make obscure references to literature, art and pop culture on their weekly
2700cable show will be allowed to speak freely. A utopia... if you will. 
2701
2702Our enemies see our diversity of opinion as evidence that we are weak and
2703divided, but it is the very presence of a vibrant marketplace of ideas that
2704ensures our continued survival. That, and the high-tech weapons that can lock
2705in on the glint off a scimitar from five thousand miles away. 
2706
2707As much as I believe that our leaders have followed exactly the right course in
2708wiping out the Taliban assholes who gave safe haven to the murderers of my
2709fellow citizens, I recognize that the dissenters to the war and the verbal
2710defenders of our enemies fulfill a vital function in our democracy.
2711Specifically, they give me somebody to hate whose name I can actually
2712pronounce. 
2713
2714As much as we don't like to admit it, you gotta say, the freedom to bash the
2715U.S. government is a unique and beautiful phenomenon...... When done with a
2716certain degree of panache! I've noticed that in the Middle East when they burn
2717the American Flag, they aren't even using real flags. They are just using flags
2718painted onto sheets. This really pisses me off because there are hard working
2719kids in Taiwan who make our flags who can use every penny they can get. 
2720
2721As a matter of fact, at this point, the only thing that galls me about someone
2722burning the American flag is how unoriginal it is. I mean if you're going to
2723pull the Freedom-of-speech card, don't be a hack, come up with something
2724interesting. Fashion Old Glory into a wisecracking puppet and blister the
2725system with a scathing ventriloquism act, or better yet, drape the flag over
2726your head and desecrate it with a large caliber bullet hole. 
2727
2728Once hotbeds of free speech, college campuses across the country have engaged
2729in an arms race to see who can craft the most restrictive speech code. Years of
2730Political Correctness, binge drinking, and dropping bing cherries out of your
2731ass into a shotglass have bred a backlash now, where anyone who dares to stray
2732outside the conventional school of wisdom is ostracized, slapped with the mark
2733of Cain, and, worst of all, made to forfeit their Student Activity Fee discount
2734to see Dave Mathews jam, and, more importantly, inspire, during Spring Fling on
2735the Quad. 
2736
2737Whatever happened to the notion that college was a place where the best minds
2738in the nation vigorously debated all sides of an issue, while the rest of us
2739went back to the dorm and got laid? Usually by ourselves. 
2740
2741I have no problem with people who respond to what they don't agree with. I
2742enjoy the drama of a toppled podium and the sound of microphone feedback as
2743much as the next guy. What I do have a problem with are the people who fail to
2744see the glaring hypocrisy of screaming the words "shut up" into a bullhorn. 
2745
2746Why should even the most repugnant ideas receive the same freedom of expression
2747as more accepted ones? Because the American system is less a "free marketplace"
2748of ideas than it is a playground. And the best way to dispense with unpopular
2749ideas is to let them roam free, so they can have their asses kicked up and down
2750the jungle gym by the cool ideas. 
2751
2752The ability to be critical of our government is what makes this country great.
2753Thanks to these freedoms, we get the hip irreverence of Art Buchwald, the
2754folksy yet politically incisive song stylings of Mark Russell, and the
2755pun-tastic parodies of The Capital Steps. And it is for these reasons alone, we
2756must squash free speech immediately and become a police state. 
2757
2758We need to let those who repulse us have their say alongside those whose
2759speeches make us rise to our feet in applause. How else will the shiny pearl of
2760wisdom stick out against the black velvet of stupidity? It's better to just let
2761the Ku Klux Klan march through your town than it is to waste your time and
2762money trying to stop them. Instead of challenging their right to free speech,
2763use your energy to point out to your children the irony of the fat guys in the
2764pointy hats and the pee-stained bed sheets, spouting forth all sorts of
2765mono-syllabic eugenic claptrap, and all the while, claiming to be the master
2766race. 
2767
2768Of course, that's just my opinion. I could be wrong.
2769
2770 
2771Liberals
2772Now I dont want to get off on a rant here but...You know, there used to be two
2773parties- Democrat and Republican, and, separate from that, two schools of
2774political thought. Anybody remember liberal Republicans like Nelson Rockefeller
2775and George Romney? Today, a liberal Republican is one who thinks a condemned
2776man getting death by injection should be laid out on a comfy mattress.
2777
2778The word "liberal" has replaced "Communist" as the red flag neo-conservatives
2779wave in your face to denote what's wrong in this country. People are even
2780making me out a liberal, when I'm actually a pragmatist, which means I think
2781everybody is an asshole but me.
2782
2783With the threat of communism gone, the power elite no longer has to be on its
2784best behavior. And right now, you have as good a chance of seeing tolerance
2785from them as you do Newt Gingrich dirty dancing with Harvey Fierstein.
2786
2787Remember Mario Cuomo's speech at the '84 Democratic Convention? It was a
2788stunning bolt of lightning that, if only for a brief moment, galvanized the
2789American spirit in the hearts and minds of its people. It was electrifying
2790prose fueled by brains, guts, and compassion, and it made you proud to be an
2791American. Now compare that to the only memorable Republican speech of the last
2792decade- Pat Buchanan's derisive, petty, hate-filled diatribe at the '92 GOP
2793convention. There may not be a member of the current crop of American
2794conservatives who could match Cuomo's speech. I think they lack the compassion.
2795Their consience doesn't seem to bother them enough.
2796
2797So, as far as the nuts-and-bolts legislative details are concerned, liberalism
2798is probably dead, and it doesn't look like a whole lot of us are going to be at
2799that wake. But when it comes to the ongoing battle over reshaping this ethereal
2800thing we call the American spirit, well, liberalism had better be very much
2801alive and breathing fire, or we have truly lost our way as a nation.
2802
2803Of course, that's just my opinion. I could be wrong.
2804
2805 
2806The Religious Right
2807 I don't want to get off on a rant here but don't these radical religious
2808right leaders scare you a little? I'm not talking about good simple religious
2809folk here. I empathize with you people. I know you're frightened. It looks like
2810the bad guys are winning. And I know you want to do the good Christian thing
2811and save some of the bad guys, but you're probably preaching to the
2812unconvertible. This is a long trail ride, and occasionally a satanic heifer or
2813two is gonna head over the ridge and go off on their own. Let them go. Quit
2814trying to set God up on blind dates with people he has nothing in common with.
2815Well, anyway, you're good people and I got no quarrel with you, Atticus. I'm
2816talking about the overzealous ones. The ones with that bloodless, glazed-over
2817"Prophets of the Caribbean" look. You know, the ones who look like the guys who
2818kept Howard Hughes alive those last three years. Let's run down our roster of
2819modern-day Pharisees: 
2820
2821Jerry Falwell, with his big hillbilly grin concealing his hatred for you and
2822the fun you can have with your nasty little genitals. 
2823
2824Then we've got Pat Robertson, the Dixie charlatan who contends he held counsel
2825with God, saw Jesus, and has it on good authority from the Holy Ghost that
2826"Cuber" has an arsenal of nuke-you-ler weapons aimed at the United States.
2827
2828And our good friend Ollie North, who quivers with religious fervor while
2829conveniently forgetting he was a belligerent liar who abused the authority of
2830his position. You know I have no doubt that God will forgive Lieutenant Colonel
2831North one day. I just don't our courts should have.
2832
2833These modern-day Torquemadas can't wait to seize the reins and begin
2834slaughtering the nonbelievers. And if you don't think they'll do it--if you
2835don't think you'll be on the short list for a public roasting a la Joan of Arc,
2836well, you better stop dancing around the pagan Maypole and think again,
2837Caligula.
2838
2839Now I am sure to many of those in the Radical Right, I probably appear to be a
2840bitter, cranky pragmatist with the mouth of a stevedore, and the soul of a
2841heretic. But I do, believe it or not, consider myself to be a Christian--and
2842I'm sorry, you just don't go shooting doctors. If a judgment's to be made, God
2843gets to make it. Not you. Him. You are Barney Fife. Keep your bullet in your
2844shirt pocket. All right?
2845
2846You know, God is Andy Taylor. If abortion is wrong, and I believe in many cases
2847it is, somewhere down the line God's gonna let you know about it. And believe
2848me, God paybacks are an eternal bitch. Somebody else's abortion is none of your
2849business. And listen, if you really believe that your God is telling you to
2850kill an abortionist in his name, then you've got to crush some tinfoil on your
2851antenna, pal, because you're gettin' some heavy interference.
2852
2853And you know, while I'm at it, I don't care what arcane passage you pull out of
2854the Old Testament and run through your Jeremiah-begat-Jedediah Decoder Ring,
2855one of the definitive tenets of Christianity is tolerance. Trust me, there's no
2856version of the Bible that says Love thy neighbor unless he's a Peter Allen fan.
2857Any supposedly Christian doctrine must have at the core a belief in the concept
2858of unqualified love for your fellow man. Unless of course he proves himself to
2859be a total asshole. Then you can ditch him. Sure, God understands that, who do
2860you think booked Satan's flight? What he can't understand is turning against
2861someone because you don't happen to agree with their sexual preference. Forget
2862your linear, biblical interpretation that tells you to ostracize gays, and
2863follow your heart. It's like when your driving test instructor would tell you
2864to run the stop sign. And you would, and then he'd flunk you. And you'd say,
2865"But you told me to." And he'd say, "Sorry, but you never run a stop sign." And
2866you never carpet bomb a group of people with hate because they're different
2867from you. Case closed, Tailgunner Joe.
2868
2869And tolerance should extend to ideas as well. A schoolbook cannot corrupt your
2870child, especially one whose main characters are a Scarecrow, a Tin Man, and a
2871Cowardly Lion. And if you truly think your kid's character depends on prayer,
2872then damn it, pray with your kid--at home! Stop fobbing off on the public
2873school system your responsibilities as a parent. The school's are there to
2874teach your kids to read, write, and add--skills they will need if they are
2875going to apply for and wisely invest their unemployment checks one day. 
2876
2877And if you're sold on prayer as a diving board into the day, get up a few
2878minutes early, forgo the trip to the 7-Eleven for a jeroboam of Colombian
2879blend, sit down with your kids you profess to love so much, and lead them in
2880prayer.
2881
2882Look, I realize this is America--everybody has the right to organize. The
2883Democratic Party should try it sometime. But you know something, the members of
2884the Radical Religious Right have to get it through their skulls: Separation of
2885Church and State. Separate. Not together. Apart. Like Burt and Loni. One here
2886and one there. The founding fathers set it up like hat because back home in
2887merry old England they witnessed scenes of theocratic horror that would have
2888made even Quentin Tarantino puke.
2889
2890I can only hope the Radical Right's grab for political power will eventually
2891prove to be their Holy Waterloo.
2892
2893I know we don't like to vote--marking your ballot nowadays is like choosing
2894between the 3 A.M. showing on Beastmaster on Showtime and the 3 A.M. showing of
2895Beastmaster 2 on Cinemax.
2896
2897But the less we involve ourselves in the political process, the more special
2898interest groups and fanatics move in.
2899
2900So vote, and remember this when you're alone in the booth with just you and
2901your lever. The Radical Right believes the word "Right" does not simply denote
2902their placement on the political spectrum, but also their sanctimoniously smug
2903assertion that "right" is exactly what they are on any and all issues. Amen.
2904
2905Of course that is just my opinion...I could be wrong!
2906
2907 
2908Criticism
2909You watch, they're gonna go after Clinton for duck hunting now you watch. You
2910know Clinton is criticized for his health plan, his tax plan, his choice of
2911tie, everything. His haircut, his wife, you name it some snippy bystander has
2912an opinion and sure he or she is entitled to their opinion, but it's gotten to
2913the point where people who criticize actually believe their opinion should have
2914an effect, even if it's only that of bird shit hitting the drivers side
2915windshield at 60 miles an hour. You know, I don't want to get off on a rant
2916here but why is it...
2917why is it that every single activity in our lives is subject to a mean spirited
2918critique. Who wants to listen to some unqualified blowhard, having convinced
2919himself that his uninformed opinion is somehow relevant, yarble through an
2920insufferable long winded bullshit laden rant? Or not.
2921Okay I'm guilty here too but having copped to that I must say we truly are a
2922nation of critics sniping from lazy boys at a few active individuals struggling
2923to effect political change, make a movie, write a book, tell a joke, design a
2924better faucet... Okay that guy is an asshole alright! The faucets are fine stop
2925fucking with them alright! The ones in the airport are like science projects
2926with electronic eyes and motion sensors. Faucet guy STOP IT!
2927
2928Look, we used to keep this need to criticize bottled up in the art swamp where
2929it caromed harmlessly off of giant soup cans, blank verse, and untalented
2930exhibitionists smearing themselves with chocolate and cramming yams up their
2931ass. But now it's spilled over the media flood wall and into every activity of
2932our lives. Sports, pet training, home repair, snow removal, you name it
2933somewhere there's a cable show dedicated to ripping it. And I'm not saying
2934there isn't a place for solid intelligent constructive criticism but when was
2935the last time you read a review of something, a movie, a play, a book, that
2936gave you a real feel or what the author was trying to say. Probably been a
2937while huh? Because nowadays you can only make a name for yourself as a critic
2938if you pass out blow jobs like Madonna at the NBA all star game, or... or if
2939you're a spiteful crank heaping scorn on everything he sees, the kind of poison
2940tongued lard encased asshole who refuses to review anything he enjoys because
2941his praise mechanism was broken when his father wouldn't buy him an easy bake
2942oven for his tenth birthday(applause). Now I don't have any personal axe to
2943grind here, bad reviews don't affect me that much. I'm not the kind of guy who
2944names names, in fact I don't even know the name of the slimy fuckwad from
2945Entertainment Weekly. I feel so cleansed.
2946
2947The key thing to remember about all critics is that they remain dependent on
2948the innovator, the person doing the real work of creating. And because they
2949just sit on the sidelines of life, never the hunter, they are doomed to be
2950forgotten. But it's not all their fault I mean, we give them their chance when
2951we rely too much on critics to make our choices for us. We give them the power
2952because the sheer speed of existence has rattled our already fragile confidence
2953when it comes to things artistic. We think we need help sorting out artsy
2954things, that somehow we don't have all the facts. But you know something, we
2955don't need help. You like the Red Skelton painting, buy the Red Skelton
2956painting alright. You like Home Improvement, tape it and go over it like the
2957Zabruder film. It's your living room, it's your life, go nuts. Enjoy the world
2958on your terms, follow your own heart and take what critics say with a fifty
2959pound bag of salt because at best a critic is just another human being, like
2960yourself, fumbling around in the dark trying to separate the artistic wheat
2961from the wonderbread.
2962
2963So the next time you see Roger Ebert sitting on his titanium reinforced love
2964seat pissing off on the work of some you person who doesn't quite have it yet
2965but might be on their way to having it some day, remember the time Roger
2966decided to dive into the deep end of the creative pool. He wrote the Russ Meyer
2967film "Beyond the Valley of the Dolls." And, if you'll pardon me for putting on
2968the critics hat for a second myself, I must tell you that was a huge repulsive,
2969quasi radioactive, spectacularly inept, borderline troglodytic, pile of high
2970density, low brow, can't get it our of your mind or off your shoe DOGSHIT!
2971
2972Of course that is just my opinion...I could be wrong!
2973
2974 
2975Inefficiency
2976Why is it in America that going somewhere, buying something, calling someone-
2977just about any transaction that you can name in America is about as
2978nerve-racking as a Bosnian grocery run? Why is it that seemingly everyone with
2979a job along the great service highway is an uninterested sociopath with the
2980interpersonal skills of a wolverine?
2981
2982
2983Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but why is it that I can't seem to
2984go through the simplest procedures without a major hassle? For example, I
2985recently subscribed to a magazine, and after paying for it they sent me another
2986bill. So I called them up to rectify the situation, and they assured me they'd
2987correct the problem. I then started receiving two copies of the magazine each
2988week, one addressed to "Dennis Miller" and the other addressed to "Denise
2989Miller." Now, I want to know two things: One, how can they not know they're
2990sending two magazines to the same address, and two, how did they find out about
2991my cross-dressing?
2992
2993
2994You know, nowadays, half the people you ask for help say, "It's not my job,
2995man." And the other half don't have a clue about how in the hell to do their
2996job. See if this sounds familiar: Hotel clerks who, even though you requested a
2997nonsmoking room, give you a suite that smells like Denis Leary's index finger;
2998maids who don't give a shit about the "Do Not Disturb" sign and come through
2999the door like Pete Wilson raiding the kitchen for green cards at El Pollo Loco;
3000movie ushers who constantly ask you to remove your feet from the seat in front
3001of you, but refuse to even shine their flashlight on the gang-initiation golden
3002shower taking place during "The Lion King".
3003
3004In trendy restaurants from the Upper West Side of Manhattan to West Hollywood
3005the one dish you can be sure about on the menu is ATTITUDE. Now I know all
3006these waiters and waitresses have the talent to be the next Luke Perry. Or the
3007next Luke Perry. Couldn't think of anybody else that bad. And excuse me for
3008wandering into your restaurant in a quest for sustenance to jam in my pie hole.
3009But from the time you strap on the Buford Pusser pepper mill to the time you
3010drop your last check, do all of us hungry patrons a favor and use your sense
3011memory to portray a wait-person who gives a shit about the customer they're
3012serving even though that customer rudely insists on not being Mike Ovitz. Okay?
3013
3014And it's not like I don't sympathize. I've been in the vast service gulag.
3015After I graduated from college, one of my first jobs was as an ice cream scoop
3016at a Village Dairy in Pittsburgh. I'm standing there at age twenty-one in a
3017paper hat with my two fellow employees asking me if they're gonna find the
3018driving test hard and the prettiest girl from my five years ago senior class
3019walks in to order a cone. She recognizes me, and tries to cover her discomfort
3020by making small talk about sugar versus cake, as I think, "Yeah, I'll get laid
3021on this planet...sure."
3022
3023
3024And once I had a job cleaning toilets for a living--on the night shift, for
3025chrissakes. Got that? I didn't even rate cleaning toilets during the DAY. My
3026bosses actually thought to themselves, "Yeah, Miller's good, he's REAL good.
3027He's just not ready for The Show yet."
3028
3029I know jobs can be unrewarding, but I'd like to go on vacation for a week, call
3030the paper boy, and ask him to suspend delivery during that time and not come
3031back to nine newspapers sitting outside my doorstep, screaming to every lowlife
3032in the area, "Yoohoo! Over Here! Nobody Home!"
3033
3034I'd like my groceries in a bag that will actually contain what I purchased, and
3035not open up like the bomb-bay doors on the "Enola Gay" as soon as my pickle
3036jars are over the cement driveway; I'd like the universal remote I bought to
3037change the channels on my TV and not shut off my neighbor's home dialysis
3038machine.
3039
3040And you know, while we are on the subject of inefficiency, why doesn't somebody
3041warn you that the "stay hard cream" will short circuit the "auto-suck"? Are you
3042with me on that? A little too specific. All right, let go, walk away from it,
3043it never happened.
3044
3045More important, I've had it up to here with corporations pushing the fucking
3046unions around. You know that if you haven't been laid off by now, you're
3047working overtime. Companies are lean and mean. And so is the service they give
3048you: lean and mean.
3049
3050Still, a lot of the blame falls on us. There seems to be this notion that good,
3051honest, hard work is something to be viewed down our collective snout. That
3052doesn't make the workers at the bottom of the pole feel very good. Does it?
3053
3054If you want better service, the next time you see one of those workers in an
3055"employee of the month" photo in a fast-food restaurant, suppress your urge to
3056make your friends laugh by ridiculing the guy as a dork loser with a bad
3057haircut. Instead, why not seek out the guy who actually took pride in doing his
3058job the way it was supposed to be done and thank him for dotting the i's and
3059crossing the t's and making sure there is toilet paper in the stall, and
3060ketchup in the dispenser. Make that person feel good because he is the last
3061thin blue collar line between a frayed but still functioning society and
3062full-blown "We'll be there anytime between 8 a.m. and 6 p.m. or maybe we won't
3063even show up at all, assface" anarchy. All right?
3064
3065And let's grab the reins as customers. Don't stay on hold forever. "What's
3066that? I should press one if I am calling from a touch-tone phone? Hey Hal, I'm
3067pressing flash, 'cause I'm hanging up now and taking my business to a human
3068operator!" Don't settle for fish nugget and the green spooge, turn the car
3069around, go back, and demand the goddamn cheeseburger you ordered!
3070
3071And lastly, let's get out pride together, go to the whip, and regain our
3072position at the head of the socioeconomic pack! How about less billions spent
3073on getting the war machine cherry, and a few more billions on tightening up our
3074educational system. Forget the "moment of silence" in the morning. Let's shoot
3075for a moment of SCIENCE, okay?
3076
3077It's time we stopped looking up Japan's ass, and you know why?
3078
3079Because that is definitely "not our job, man."
3080
3081Of course that is just my opinion...I could be wrong!
3082
3083 
3084Activism
3085 We are a nation of procrastinators, aren't we? Activism in the midst of a
3086passive period, and that's a shame because activists, throughout the years,
3087have been able to alter the course of history. They advanced civil rights for
3088African Americans, they protected the rights of the worker, they saved the
3089whales from being extinct, and they once kept "Spencer for Hire" on for a whole
3090extra season. And, I'm a "big" Bobby Urich fan. 
3091
3092I don't want to get off on a rant here, but it seems the activism times they
3093are a changing. Increasingly, we've become such a nation of self-obsessed "me"
3094monkeys that most of us feel like we've done our good deed for the day if we
3095pull over and make a complete stop when an ambulance passes. And also the tone
3096of present-day activism seems to have turned for the worst. There's nothing
3097more unbecoming than somebody who's pathologically rabid about an issue that,
3098in the long run, is cosmically inconsequential. To the overzealous I say, "Stop
3099being so selfish and work your rage out in your personal relationships like the
3100rest of us, okay?" I'll be honest with you. There are times I'd like to shout,
3101"Shut the fuck up and stop blocking traffic with your 'Save the Headlights'
3102rally, asshole!" Sometimes . . . Sometimes it's hard not to think, "Hey, could
3103I please just eat my Cherry Garcia without some aging Vermont ice cream hippies
3104constantly reminding me how bad the rain forests are doing?" "Hey, boys, as far
3105as the rain forest goes, does a bear give a shit in the woods, okay?" 
3106
3107But every time I go to turn my back on activism I remember that in the sixties
3108a bunch of college kids brought about the end of a profane war and helped boot
3109out a corrupt President. Activism got results. People felt empowered. The '60s
3110were the "Us Generation." The '70s, however, were the "Me Generation." And the
3111'80s? Well, the '80s were the "Me-Me-Me generation" where cruel got confused
3112with hip, serious with smart, attitude with belief, and the Mercedes emblem
3113with the Peace sign.
3114
3115Now it's the '90s. We've gone from the Red Cross handing out coffee at floods
3116to Ricki Lake and the freak patrol blitzing Karl Lagerfeld's office and
3117chaining themselves to the Poland Spring dispenser. When did minks become more
3118important than people? I've watched individuals in New York City step over
3119fellow human beings laying in their own piss to spit on somebody who's wearing
3120chinchilla. And now they pretend to spit on you if you wear fake fur. 
3121
3122How far are we going to go with this bullshit, kids? Now the mink is
3123everybody's precious cause celebre. The Jack Henry Abbot of forest creatures.
3124How hard could a mink's life be? He's wearing fucking mink! Trust me, if the
3125roles were reversed, he'd be wearing your pelt, okay? ] So when you hit your
3126knees tonight, thank your walking, upright god it played out the way it did.
3127
3128Now to me, Paul Newman does activism the right way. Makes delicious popcorn,
3129salad dressing, marinara sauce, and then he mentions it in small print that the
3130profits from this enterprise are going to charity. He sneaks it by you instead
3131of ramming it down your throat, running his whole operation with a truly cool
3132hand.
3133
3134Remember, there's a fine line between activism and just being a pain in the
3135ass. But trying too hard is probably preferable to not trying at all. Believe
3136me, we're all guilty of laying in the hammock, myself included. I'm about as
3137societally active as J. D. Salinger during hay fever season because, quite
3138frankly, it's a tad dangerous to get involved nowadays. There are forces of
3139evil out there--powerful politicians, multi-national corporations, Dick
3140Clark--that would love that would love for us to become complacent. The
3141complacent, blond, Illiacuriarcan tribe from H. G. Wells' "Time Machine."
3142
3143And does activism even make a difference at the end of the day? Is there a
3144happy ending? Well, hey, I'm one of the more pessimistic cats on the planet. I
3145make Van Gogh look like a fucking rodeo clown, and with reluctance, I will say
3146this: When you get involved, most probably it'll suck for awhile. It'll be hard
3147work with unclear results. But you know something? So what. That's life in all
3148its glory. Life is not a movie. The right thing to do is to simply get in the
3149game. The price of apathy is too high to pay. Remember "We Are the World?" You
3150want to see Dan Akroyd singing again? If only to prevent something like that
3151from ever, ever recurring, please, get up off your ass, put some goddamn
3152underwear on, and go do something.
3153
3154Of course that is just my opinion...I could be wrong!
3155
3156 
3157Power
3158Power is living in a mansion for 30 years and never really knowing where the
3159kitchen is.
3160Power is walking around with your fly open, and everybody thinking you're a
3161fashion trend-setter.
3162
3163Power is the most sought after, addictive, seductive, abused drug there is.
3164Compared to Power, crack is Fruitopia.
3165
3166You know, I don't want to get off on a rant here:
3167
3168But I'll wager that human beings fantasize about power than they do any- thing
3169else.
3170
3171Wealth, fame, making the winning play for their favorite team, leg- wrestling
3172Rue Mclannahan while her strong support stocking calves pressing firmly against
3173my......I'm sorry...where were we?
3174
3175Oh right. Power.
3176
3177Ok. Let's talk about Power. How to get it, what to do with it, when to use it,
3178and most importantly where to store it and at what temperature. because make no
3179mistake my friends, Power is a perishable good.
3180
3181Now I may currently appear to have power, but, if you really think about it,
3182I'm a mindless fuckchimp for HBO. At any moment they could back up a costume
3183van, pull out the Pillsbury dough boy suit and order me to get into it. And
3184then what?
3185
3186Well...nothing says good lovin' like something from the oven!
3187
3188heeeeheeee....that's what!
3189
3190At the end of the day I've got all the power of that highway construction
3191worker who can't be trusted with any moving-part machinery because he took a
3192crane hook to the temple in 1989, and they changed his name to Slappy and now
3193he has to stand there all day with a reversible sign that says stop & go, until
3194the weekend where his friends invite him to parties and make him dance by
3195shooting pelletguns at his feet.
3196
3197Little autobiographical note there....so.....
3198
3199So while I obviously don't have power who does? Well, let's define the
3200different degrations of power.
3201First, there's real power. The tornado ripping up 100 year old oak tree and
3202picking it's teeth with it.
3203Then there's real human power. High grade political power. At the top of this
3204heap it's a pure uncut china Whitehouse jolt right into the arm that has it's
3205finger on the button.
3206
3207Do you think Bill Clinton doesn't like the power of being President? Do you
3208think he doesn't sit there in the oval office for hours saying to himself:
3209"This is the finger that could blow up the world, and it's the same finger I
3210use to scratch my ass?"
3211
3212Next, you have midrange corporate power. That flawless cynergistic weaving of
3213money and clout that allows a select few to meet in smoke filled back rooms and
3214literally change the course of human history while the rest of us are waiting
3215in line for a kid to ask: "Do you want fries with that"?
3216
3217And Finally there's pretend power. The supposed ability of a person to lead a
3218flock of sheep to new heights where there unfortunately usually they find a
3219shearing pen.
3220
3221Who has this power? Jimmy Swagart, Amway, Dionne Warwick, Barney, Rush.
3222
3223How'd they get it? Well you gave it to them for Christ's sake! Stop doing that.
3224Go to Starbuck's, get a quadra'late' and wake the fuck up!
3225
3226So those are the different kinds of power. The only other thing you need to
3227know is that we all crave power. Whether it's heading a major entertainment
3228company, or just spraying that cockroach in your kitchen with a steady stream
3229of raid and pretending you're Red Adaire on a blazing oil platform in the
3230middle of the Caspian Sea.
3231
3232Face it, we all get off on power. Even if we only have a little of it. Do you
3233think that clerk at the DMV doesn't enjoy looking at that serpentine line and
3234thinking I gotta be here 8 hours...Fuck You...you're here for 8 hours!
3235
3236Power is the nutritional source that feeds the ego and of course we all know
3237that the ego is the ugly little troll that lives under the bridge between your
3238mind and you heart. You keep a stranglehold on that fact.
3239
3240I don't the that the desire for power is necessarily a bad thing. I'd say it's
3241encoded into our DNA for a damned good reason.
3242
3243After all, in the prehistoric days, when we humans dwelled in caves, and the
3244neighbor's pet raptor got off it's leash and shit on your yard and ate your
3245cave-son, you sure as hell needed a big stick. You couldn't go running to
3246Johnny Rochran or whatever they called the neighborhood ultra- smooth bullshit
3247artist back then.
3248
3249So, to all you out there who are constantly whining about how to get power, you
3250can start by not giving away any of yours. Don't send 20 bucks to some
3251porcelain eye liner junkie who claims she can get you into heaven. That chick
3252can't even get you into Cosco. There's only on guy who can get you into heaven
3253and that's god, or Buddha, or Eisner, or whatever the hell he's called himself
3254these days.
3255
3256Of course that is just my opinion...I could be wrong!
3257
3258 
3259Baseball
3260God knows the world of sports could use a shot in the arm, couldn't it? I
3261bought a newspaper the other day, I was gonna flip to the Sports section when I
3262realized - I just can't make the Mark Belanger-like throw from the hole
3263anymore. I...I just don't want to read about vicious brawls, random drug
3264testing, salary squabbles or venomous court proceedings. For Christ's sake,
3265it's enough to make you want to turn to the front page.
3266You know, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but I can remember as a kid
3267thinking sports were played by heroes on a field of honor. We played on our
3268little neighborhood sandlots in hopes of someday becoming the noblest of all
3269warriors - a ballplayer. Today, I can see ballplayers for what they are just
3270young men with a bag of faults covering the whole spectrum of human frailty.
3271
3272On the baseball cards of my youth (collected assiduously and filed in an empty
3273Converse sneaker box) the "boys of summer" smiled white smiles, their eyes
3274clear and happy with the sense of purpose that comes from honorable pursuits.
3275They were our team. They stayed with us through good and bad, and they didn't
3276hold out for more money, and we didn't withhold our adulation.
3277
3278There was a predictability then that was in one word, comforting. The plotline
3279read as simply as a Spy vs. Spy comic strip: young man works hard, plays fair,
3280becomes hero, gives back to fans and rides off into the sunset. Nowadays, young
3281man squirts bleach at reporters, throws firecrackers at kids, becomes felon,
3282and drives Porsche off into sunset.
3283
3284You know, the equation doesn't work anymore. The math now dictates that Bonnie
3285Blair trains hard, keeps her mouth shut, wins five gold medals, FIVE... and she
3286can't get a headband endorsement. Nancy Kerrigan comes in second - once, tells
3287Mickey Mouse to go fuck himself, and she strikes the mother lode. You know,
3288just like in all other walks of society, sports fame has become a matter of
3289smile over substance, and you know it's all sports: in football it's Jerry
3290Jones' swelled head, in basketball it's Dennis Rodman's "mood ring head", in
3291boxing it's Don King's troll-doll head, and in tennis it's Andre Agassi's
3292balding head (aside) yeah, we noticed Andy. Ehhh, well you know something? I
3293say, off with their heads! They're our games and we want them back.
3294
3295We are being cheated the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse are not Stuldreyer,
3296Miller, Crowley and Leydon, but rather Greed, Ego, Arbitration and
3297Steinbrenner. The Elyssian athletic fields of my youth have been turned into
3298the Pullan Weed-Eater Dust Bowls of today. The true poetry of Sport has been
3299corroded, and we are left with nothing but broken verse.
3300
3301It looked extremely rocky for the L.A. nine that day --
3302The score stood 2-to-4 with but an inning left to play.
3303So when DeShields died at second and Butler did the same,
3304Bad Karma clouded the blue-blockers of the patrons of the game.
3305
3306A few got up to do some blow, leaving there the rest
3307With that hope that springs eternal, within the siliconed breast.
3308For they thought if only Darryl could get a whack at that
3309They just might put their sushi down with Strawberry at the bat.
3310
3311But Piazza preceded Strawman, and likewise so did Wallach
3312And the former was still three years shy of arbitration and the latter
3313was a five-and-ten man who was contractually guaranteed final approval of the
3314teams he could be traded to.
3315
3316So on that earthquake, brushfire, mudslide, riot-torn Angeline billboard
3317stricken crowd, a deathlike silence sat
3318
3319For there seemed but little chance of Darryl getting to the bat.
3320
3321But Piazza let drive a triple, to the wonderment of all
3322And the inconsistent Wallach took a slider in the balls.
3323And after his obligatory charge to the mound to make his feelings heard,
3324There was Wallach safe at first, and Piazza huggin' third.
3325
3326Then from the jaded multitude went up a wine-spritzer soaked yell
3327It rumbled off the 405, and the Hollywood sign, as well
3328It struck off Spago's windows, which shook like liposuctioned fat
3329For Darryl, flighty Darryl, was advancing to the bat.
3330
3331There was disease (LaSorda would say "weakness") in Darryl's manner as he
3332twelve-stepped into place
3333There was pride in Darryl's bearing, and some white stuff on his face.
3334Sixty thousand and one eyes were on him
3335(okay, Peter Falk was there, it's Hollywood)
3336as he rubbed his hands with dirt;
3337Thirty thousand folks applauded, dripping Dove Bars on their shirts.
3338
3339Now the leather-covered sphere came hurtling through the smog and Darryl stood
3340a'watching in a self-indulgent fog.
3341Close by the usesless batsman, the ball, unheeded, sped
3342"I've seen better orbs in strip clubs" said Darryl...
3343"Strike One!" the umpire said.
3344
3345From skyboxes stuffed with Armani suits there went up a muffled roar
3346Like the whacking-off of perverts in that park by the Santa Monica shore [ I
3347was looking for a rhyme.]
3348"Kill him! Kill the ump!" shouted Kevorkian in the stands
3349And it's likely they'd have killed him had not Darryl raised his spouse-abusing
3350hand.
3351He signalled to the pitcher, and once more the spheroid flew -
3352But Darryl had nearly nodded off, and the umpire said, "Strike Two!"
3353
3354"You suck, you worthless piece of shit!" cried the maddened thousands clustered
3355around my four-year old son and me.
3356And then the echo answered back,
3357"?Tu chupas, tu bueno penado pedaso de mierda!"
3358But one scornful look from Darryl, and the fans' inner-child anger cleared.
3359They saw his face grow stern and cold, like the day he smacked that homeless
3360guy for looking at him weird.
3361
3362Then they heard him whining about his 4-million-per-annum strain
3363And they knew the chances were two in ten that he would not let that ball go by
3364again.
3365
3366And now the obscenely overpaid 8-and-13 pitcher holds the ball and now he lets
3367it go.
3368And now the shitty L.A. air is shattered by the farce of Darryl's blow.
3369
3370Oh, somewhere in this troubled land the sun is shining bright
3371The Eagles have reunited, and somewhere hearts are light
3372Somewhere men are laughing and somewhere children shout
3373But there is no joy in Mudville -- mighty Darryl is strung out.
3374
3375Of course that is just my opinion...I could be wrong!
3376
3377 
3378America the Touchy
3379Now I don't want to get off on a rant here, but that's the problem with
3380America. You can't tease anybody. I read now that gay people don't even want to
3381be called gay anymore. They now wish to be referred to as Asian.
3382
3383"Hey, what's Dennis saying there, man? Is Dennis saying all Asians are gay? Is
3384Dennis saying all gays are Asian?" You know what I'm saying . . . all Asians
3385are gay.
3386
3387Now somewhere out there, there's an Asian person talking pen to paper in
3388protest. And I want you to hear me out . . . put the pen down, it was a joke.
3389Walk away from it. Let it go. It never happened. It was a comment on how
3390pathetically neurotic we've all become over our own little piece of turf.
3391Obviously, you know don't believe that all Asians are gay. For Christ's sake
3392there's a billion of you, I know somebody's fucking out there, okay?
3393
3394And yet this is what it's come to. This is what it's come to in contemporary
3395America. Everybody's broken off into these petulant little Travis Bickle
3396tribes. Everybody walks the perimeter of their own damaged esteem ever-vigilant
3397against an incursion by They, Them. The Other Guys. Everybody's touchy and
3398everybody's encouraged to be touchy, everybody that is . . . except me: the
3399White Anglo-Saxon male. I'm everybody's asshole. Black people think I'm
3400oppressive and physically deficient. Women think I'm oafish and horny. Gay
3401people think I'm overly macho and latently homosexual. And Asians think I'm
3402lazy and stupid. Hey, you think you've got an ax to grind? I'm fuckin' Paul
3403Bunyan over here, okay, folks?
3404
3405And if I'm expected to be genial, there's a principle of reciprocity here, I
3406expect you to do the same. Why are we so hung up on the name calling? We are
3407all such overgrown babies. As it turns out adult life is just a tall grade
3408school: "You suck," "With your mouth," "Hi, my mouth," "Hi, me." It's
3409embarrassing. I can't believe it, the playground is way back there in the mist.
3410We've got to let it go and get on with it. Why do you think we get hung up on
3411all the little bullshit?
3412
3413I have a theory: I think we're far less evolved ourselves. I know we consider
3414ourselves to be very nineties creatures, we take it all in, we deal with it . .
3415. we put it back out. We are just the hippest little creatures, but you know
3416something? I think in a deep gut level we're scared shitless. We live in a
3417madhouse and it's brought into our living rooms on a day-to-day level via CNN.
3418And we see things that we probably aren't equipped to even vaguely get our head
3419around. Children in Somalia . . . the atrocities in
3420Bosnia--Cal-a-frag-a-listic-ex-pee-al-a-docious. I think all this shit comes
3421down and we think, "Christ, it really is out of control."
3422
3423So what we do is we take all the little bullshit things, we trump it up into
3424something bigger than it actually is, something we can mold and handle, and in
3425some vague pathetic way keep our feet tethered to the planet.
3426
3427And that's why this entire country has turned into Gladys Kravitz from
3428"Bewitched."
3429
3430Of course that is just my opinion...I could be wrong!
3431
3432 
3433Civility
3434I can't believe people are even upset by this. Feigning outrage in our present
3435climate of rudeness is just hilarious to me. Has anybody else noticed that
3436courtesy and civility in this culture are disappearing faster than a pack of
3437smokes at an AA meeting. And you know it appears as if we've given up even
3438trying to preserve it. Most people seem to accept this disintegration of
3439manners as a fait accompli and have simply lined the borders of their personal
3440space with razor wire.
3441
3442Now I don't want to get off on a rant here but we've devolved over the last few
3443decades from a Barry Lyndon gentility to a bunch of thunder domed mooks.
3444Nowadays thoughtless clods all across this once great land of ours do
3445everything from clipping their fingernails at a funeral to checking themselves
3446for polyps in the buffet line.
3447
3448As a matter of fact you can't go anywhere without suffering intrusive
3449inconsiderate incivility. You go to the mall to pick up a smokey linked gouda
3450combo gift set at Hickory Farms you come out, your car's been keyed and some
3451societal fringe player has left a flyer on you windshield for 10% off on all
3452gay porn films at Dicks Video Shack. You go to the supermarket, you wind up in
3453a line that's clearly marked 10 items or less cash only, you're waiting behind
3454some ninja drifter with no ID who's attempting to pay for 14 cartons of pudding
3455pops with a personal check from the bank of Tehran.
3456
3457People no longer understand the basic rules of courtesy.
3458
3459Rule number 1: You must wait and let people get off the elevator before you can
3460get on the elevator O.K.!
3461
3462Rule number 2 Rule number 2: You call somebody at 3:15 in the morning and get
3463the wrong number don't just say "oh this isn't Charlene" click. Say, "I'm very
3464sorry to have pestered you, I am an assface.
3465
3466And Rule number 3: Turn your god damn car stereo down! Did you ever think that
3467maybe I don't want to hear the bass line to Baby Got Back resonating in the
3468deepest part of my skull?
3469
3470And even when I try to escape the cold rude world and isolate myself in a
3471darkened movie theater for 2 hours of unencumbered escapism I get stuck behind
3472some idiot faux Trufeau who's gonna cliffnote the entire fucking film for me
3473then I miss the flick because I'm trying to decide whether to ignore him or
3474bludgeon him to death with my Anna Nicole Smith size box of milk duds. But you
3475know the fountain head of all this bad behavior has got to be the day time talk
3476shows. What an intergalactic fucking freak show these are. You tell me what
3477Rusty the Bailiff fan club meeting did they go to to harvest these losers huh?
3478Ricki Lake, Richard Bey, Jerry Springer, these people shouldn't be allowed to
3479own a TV for Christ sake much less be on it. And you know their guests not only
3480aren't ashamed of their asinine antics they positively revel in their own grand
3481mal shitheadedness. Screaming in peoples faces, screaming at the audience, the
3482audience screaming back, you know it's enough to make me want to bag this whole
3483scene, pack up some jerky and go time share with Jeremiah Johnson.
3484
3485Look, I'm not some tie dyed carma maitre'd trying to seat everybody in the no
3486conflict section. As far as I'm concerned the new age goal of perpetual smiling
3487bliss would be a far worse hell than anything imagined by Quentin Tarantino on
3488window pane. I don't want some vacant headed defanged Quaker land that's not
3489civility, that's banality. And I'm not talking Amy Vanderbilt civility either,
3490where there's nine god damned forks arranged around your dinner plate like some
3491cutlery stone henge and if you choose the wrong one you are sent away to become
3492Edwin Newmans personal sex toy. But you know I am saying that when civility
3493breaks down the fall of civilization is close behind. Is it surprising to
3494anyone that the least courteous of all countries has 222 million guns. The fact
3495is that it's gotten so weird out there that we've all turned inward and in the
3496process we seem to have forgotten there are other human beings schlepping
3497around the pebble. That's where civility comes in. Civility is acknowledging
3498that we don't live in a solusisitc universe. We do share this planet with each
3499other and we should strive to coexist in some civilized respectful manner. And
3500so to all of you out there who don't cover your mouth, who don't have the money
3501ready when you get to the toll booth, who do burp so loudly in public that
3502others wonder where the epicenter was. To all of you dwelling out there on the
3503crassy knoll if you don't want to come and join the rest of us in this noble
3504pursuit of good manners we all cordially invite you to please go fuck yourself.
3505
3506Of course that is just my opinion...I could be wrong!
3507
3508 
3509War on Drugs
3510Now I don't want to get off on a rant here, but the war on drugs is a more
3511frustrating stalemate than a tug-of-war on ice. While DEA seizures are higher
3512than ever, so is anyone who wants to be. 
3513
3514The drug war has apparently worked to some degree, as both casual use and
3515addiction have fallen in recent years. But at what cost? Now, instead of
3516junkies, cokeheads and glue sniffers, we have coffee-addled super-achievers
3517who'd sooner mow you down in the mall parking lot with their sport utility
3518dreadnoughts than drop the speedometer below 70. Say what you will about drug
3519addicts, at least they move slowly. 
3520It's time to change our way of thinking and take the war on drugs out of the
3521political hot button campaign topics. There is a percentage of our society that
3522will always be addicted to something. Whether it's cocaine, pills, beer,
3523cigarettes, or that new car smell. 
3524
3525Countries like Peru, Colombia, and Bolivia produce and export drugs because
3526their only other economic alternatives do not bring in nearly enough money.
3527That means if we really want to stem the tide of drugs from south of the
3528border, there is only one painful but necessary course of action: We as a
3529nation must resolve to dramatically increase our consumption of wooden donkey
3530carvings and armadillo-shaped pi?atas. 
3531
3532I don't know what the answer is. But I would like to ask the people of Colombia
3533something. Between marijuana, coffee and cocaine do you think it might be
3534possible to grow a crop that doesn't delude people into believing they actually
3535have something interesting to say? 
3536
3537Drug traffickers are consummate businessmen. They have identified a demand,
3538efficiently routed their infrastructure to fulfill it, and profited by
3539exploiting the gap between cheap production and materials and high retail
3540premiums. Their methodology is indistinguishable from that of a successful U.S.
3541Corporation, except for, in this day and age, being a bit more ethical. 
3542
3543Every generation has had their drugs of choice. In the 60's, it was pot and
3544LSD. In the disco era, it was coke. The 80's had crack and in the 90's we had
3545crystal meth and Ecstasy. And nowadays? Well, now we have pot, LSD, coke,
3546crack, crystal meth and Ecstasy. 
3547
3548And cocaine still plays an enormous part in our culture. Without it, stock
3549traders could not put in 75 hour work weeks, and interstate truckers would
3550deliver a lot more spoiled fruit. More importantly, there would be no second
3551act segment in those E True Hollywood stories. 
3552
3553There are a lot of campaigns out there trying to prevent young people from
3554getting into drugs in the first place. Unfortunately, teens tend to view these
3555groups as uptight Puritans who haven't had fun since they outlawed witch
3556trials. The zero-tolerance people are the same ones who tell you not to listen
3557to hip-hop, play violent video games, and remain a virgin until after you're
3558married. Anyone who believes that the average teenager will sit for that is on
3559better weed than their kids. 
3560
3561The Anti-Drug campaigns have attacked the airwaves with images of frying eggs
3562and terrorist bombings. Everything I need to know about drugs I learned from a
3563poignant, 15-second PSA where the guy from "Yes Dear" pulls up a chair and sits
3564in it, backward style. By the way, that's when you know they're leveling with
3565you, kids. When they turn the chair around. 
3566
3567Hey, here's a thought, maybe you should get someone in on these campaigns who
3568actually understands children. Kids want to be bad. You need Little Jimmy to
3569stop smoking pot? Show him the picture of his 8th grade history teacher
3570prancing around a Dead concert in a tie-dye loincloth. He'll never look at
3571marijuana the same way again. Or the War of 1812, for that matter. 
3572
3573You can make a reasonable case that we shouldn't legalize the most deadly and
3574addictive of the world's narcotics, but how can you possibly justify arresting
3575elderly women smoking marijuana to ease their glaucoma, or even more
3576desperately ill patients smoking it to ease their final days? My wish for the
3577politicians who put their own careers ahead of the quality of life of ill and
3578dying human beings is that some day, when they go to receive their final
3579judgement, the first words out of God's mouth are "Dude, way harsh." 
3580
3581I say if you really want to discourage people from doing drugs, legalize
3582everything for a year and encourage people to experiment. The smart people will
3583sit back and barricade themselves in their homes, while all the
3584drink-the-bongwater burnouts go to town, mixing industrial grade sealant and
3585horse tranquilizers into a hookah and smoking it. I guarantee you, before the
3586year is up, we'll dramatically thin the herd and who knows? Maybe some of the
3587more demented stoners will mix so many weird chemicals, they'll stumble onto a
3588cure for cancer in their pursuit of a buzz that could win the Nobel Peace Pipe.
3589
3590Of course, that's just my opinion. I could be wrong.
3591
3592 
3593UFOs
3594Speaking of aliens, why are Americans so reluctant to welcome anybody from
3595Mexico and so enamored, witness the grosses for Independence Day, of the idea
3596of encountering creatures from another planet? 
3597Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but it seems like nowadays you
3598can't throw a rock without hitting somebody . . . who'll claim it was a UFO. As
3599life on this planet swirls in an ever-increasing speed down the crapper, is it
3600any wonder that we've become more and more fixated with this notion of life
3601elsewhere? 
3602
3603All began in the 50s when we saw an astronomical increase in the number of UFO
3604sightings. In fact, before 1947 there were next to no reports of UFOs. Is it
3605just a coincidence that everyone began to see flying saucers about the same
3606time everyone began seeing Communists? World War II was over and we needed
3607something new to fear. 
3608
3609In 1947 something crashed in Roswell, New Mexico. Some believe four aliens were
3610discovered at the sight and that their remains, as well as the flying saucer,
3611are being held in an Air Force installation 100 miles north of Las Vegas in an
3612area known as Area 51. UFO-ologists insist that the four aliens and manager,
3613Brian Epstein, accidentally crashed their own flying saucer. Yeah, because they
3614can travel 350 million light years dodging black holes, asteroids and comets,
3615but those New Mexico telephone wires are a real bitch! I think two of the four
3616aliens might have survived the wreck, escaped from Area 51 and made it to Vegas
3617where they have been doing nine shows a week under the name Siegfried and Roy! 
3618
3619Now, true believers say that Area 51 is definitely hiding something because if
3620you go there, they won't let you in and they won't tell you what they have
3621there. You know why that is? Because it's a fucking military installation, all
3622right! What, do you think that if you go to Areas 1 through 50 you're gonna get
3623a Chardonnay and some gouda? No, you're not! You're gonna get turned away
3624faster than Roger Clinton trying to get backstage at a Marilyn Manson concert! 
3625
3626Now some believe that there is an authentic film of an autopsy on one of the
3627Roswell aliens. I saw the film on Fox. I believe it was sandwiched between a
3628very special "Martin" and a special "Party of Five." And, I thought the autopsy
3629was as authentic as a piece of total bullshit can be. By the way, you know what
3630they found at the autopsy? Traces of O.J.'s blood. 
3631
3632Now, in addition to the Area 51 freaks, there are those who legitimize the
3633existence of aliens vis-á-vis the appearance of crop patterns that resemble the
3634symbol that Prince uses as his name etched into an okra field outside of Mount
3635Pilot. All right, occasionally bizarre patterns can be seen if you and Mike,
3636the crop duster who dated Bee Benadara's lesbian daughter, Bobby Jo, fly over
3637the fields out back of the Shady Rest. Some say it's a landing marker for
3638aliens; I say it's Uncle Joe with an IV drip of grain alcohol and a Weedwacker.
3639
3640Another core-ingredient of UFO studies is the abduction by aliens. Under
3641hypnosis the abductees recollections all share the same characteristics; long
3642stretches of time unaccounted for, strange bruises on the body, a suspicion of
3643sexual violation. Is it just me or does alien abduction sound amazingly like
3644spring break? 
3645
3646Listen, it's a natural tendency to look skyward for the next shiny thing to
3647answer our prayers. That's why people flock to UFO conventions; in the hope
3648that when the inevitable mass landing does happen the star gods will first want
3649to get in touch with the mentally unstable among us. 
3650
3651The purist defining event of the UFO culture has got to be the Star Trek
3652convention. Not since the Pope and Cardinal O'Connor spoke to a symposium of
3653nuns catered by the Amish has so little sexual experience been assembled in one
3654room. 
3655
3656Hey look, I'd be the first one to tell you I would welcome aliens, because
3657quite frankly, I'm running out of people to despise on this planet. 
3658
3659Despite the barnacles of cynicism which resolutely encrust my hull, I do
3660believe that there is life other than ours somewhere other than Earth. I just
3661don't think they're coming here! I don't know who they are or what they drive,
3662but I assume that they, like I, stick to the tenet that the less you have to do
3663with your neighbors, the better off it is for everyone involved. 
3664
3665To an extraterrestrial, Planet Earth at best would be like the Vince Lombardi
3666rest stop along the Jersey Turnpike. Chances are they stop off here once to try
3667to stretch their tiny, gray limbs, pick up a nut log and take a leak out of one
3668of their 47 penises. But, on the off-chance that there are super-advanced alien
3669beings out there tonight interpreting this signal: First of all, thank you for
3670watching. And now, I want you to listen up, Caldar of Ramoula-Five! When you do
3671come here and abduct one of us, invariably, might I add, one of us from a rural
3672address, please... Stay out of our asses, okay! There's nothing in our asses
3673that will help you and your dying planet! Life is tough enough out there in
3674Grow Country without you proctonauts downing a couple cases of Zima and getting
3675your moon rocks off checking on Jethro's oil, okay. 
3676
3677Of course, that's just my opinion. I could be wrong.
3678
3679 
3680God
3681Boy, what ever happened to the separation of church and hate? Everybody take it
3682easy. I'm pretty sure God's registered as an independent. 
3683Now I don't want to get off on a rant here, but it's amazing how, in an
3684election year, God's name gets thrown around like the drunken dwarf at a biker
3685rally. Personally, when I try to picture what God looks like, I always see some
3686guy wearing a white robe and frantically working a huge panel of switches and
3687knobs while answering prayers like a hopped-up Larry King taking phone calls.
3688Columbia, South Carolina, go ahead--how many times do I have to tell you, take
3689that Goddamn flag down. Now! 
3690
3691Every religion has its own concept of God, and every religion is wrong. They
3692have to be. We're talking about the ultimate totality here, and no one creed
3693can have absolute dominion over its definition. Man, I wish I'd said that
3694sophomore year when I was trying to do Brenda Wilkins. I had Dark Side Of The
3695Moon playing, we were splitting a bottle of Mateus, talking existentialism. If
3696I had this pseudo-philosophical bullshit down back then, I would have gotten
3697laid like Mothra's egg. 
3698
3699Western religions tend to imagine God as either a burning bush or Wilford
3700Brimley with a beard and dreadlocks. In the East, you get a little more leeway:
3701one God is a bare-breasted woman with six arms, another is a man with the head
3702of an elephant. There is no doubt in my mind as to who has the better weed. 
3703
3704What happens to gods when people cease to worship them? Do they sit lonely on
3705Mount Olympus wondering what the fuck Harry Hamlin was doing in Clash Of The
3706Titans, or do they simply fade away? Or do they instead descend to earth and
3707take jobs as wisecracking hosts of live late-night cable talk shows? Whoops,
3708I've saideth too much. 
3709
3710The concept of God lets us imagine there's something more, that when you die
3711you stumble out of this demented funhouse and there's someone there to explain
3712what the hell you just went through, like the epilogue on a Quinn Martin show.
3713That's all I want--I want everything clarified, you hear me Lord? Everything. I
3714want a perfectly logical reason for all the wars, shootings, tortures, rapes,
3715murders, cruelty and pain. And when You're done with that, can you please
3716explain the frogs in MAGNOLIA to me? 
3717
3718You know what else I've realized about God? Even though Jesus once admonished,
3719"Render unto Caesar what is Caesar's," God and commerce do frequently overlap.
3720Did you ever notice the phrase "In God We Trust" only appears on the lesser
3721denominations of our currency? You get up around the $1000 bill, and it just
3722says "God, I Think I Can Take It From Here." 
3723
3724I don't think there's any doubt that people often yell, "Oh God" during sex
3725because He wants to be appreciated for his best invention. If you don't shout
3726His name when smelling a rose, well, that's OK. Not really bowled over by the
3727sight of a glorious sunset? Fair enough. But if you don't give Him props for
3728orgasms that make your toes curl like frying bacon, well, you're about to feel
3729the awesome wrath of the Almighty's lightning-bolt enema. 
3730
3731Yes, some of God's handiwork is flawed. There are rivers that overflow,
3732volcanoes that aren't quite sealed and tectonic plates that tend to crack over
3733time. But isn't it comforting to know that even God has trouble finding a
3734reliable contractor? 
3735
3736And for someone who is so great and all-powerful, Yahweh's got an awful lot of
3737people talking for him these days, doesn't he? God's got more phonies claiming
3738to know His will than Howard Hughes. Jerry Falwell says homosexuality and
3739abortion are sins. Yeah, well, so is gluttony, Jerry. So why don't you drop
3740about 50 or so and then talk to me about what people should or shouldn't be
3741doing with their bodies. OK? 
3742
3743Don't get me wrong. People are certainly entitled to worship as they see fit,
3744but don't go using God as a convenient template for your petty, bigoted views.
3745If you want to ban interracial dating at your college because your father once
3746caught you masturbating to a picture of Pam Grier and punished you by making
3747you paint the house, and now every time you smell wet DuPont Latex Exterior it
3748makes you think of Foxy Brown and you get all confused and horny and humiliated
3749at the same time, and you want to make someone pay, just fucking say so. Don't
3750put it on God, OK Jonesy? 
3751
3752Of course, that's just my opinion, I could be wrong.
3753
3754 
3755Alternative Medicine
3756For those of you who don't know what yohimbe is, join the club. I'm only
3757familiar with ginkgo biloba, which I believe is the name of that city in Spain
3758with the weird new art museum.
3759
3760
3761Now I don't want to get off on a rant here, but is alternative medicine really
3762the key to understanding the human body, or is it just a chance to get scammed
3763by some loser who had to go into the herbal remedy business because he wasn't
3764smart enough to snag the hair-scrunchy franchise at the local mall? 
3765
3766Well, one major tenet of alternative medicine is "natural is good," while
3767"synthetic is bad." This kind of thinking is more simplistic than the B plot on
3768an episode of "Nash Bridges". Come on, if you've got nonspecific urethritis,
3769isn't it better to just take some Tetracycline than it is to stick your penis
3770in a hornet's nest? While I don't believe that traditional medicine has all the
3771answers, it must be pretty frustrating for a Harvard-trained M.D. to be losing
3772customers to a guy whose sole medical credentials consist of preferring to sit
3773on the floor. As for me, I divide medical practitioners into two camps: Those
3774who will give me a prescription for Vicodin over the phone, and those who
3775won't. 
3776
3777I have to admit that as cynical and untrusting by nature as I might be, I am
3778becoming more open to experimenting with alternative medicines. I don't mean
3779taking them myself, I mean pretending I've taken them with great success and
3780recommending them to friends and neighbors so they'll take them, and I can see
3781if they really do work. 
3782
3783Sure, in college, my roommates and I experimented with alternative
3784medicines--one guy would say, "Howzabout some aromatherapy?" and then fart, and
3785the other guy would say, "Howzabout some reflexology?" and give him the finger.
3786And trust me, all the chicks really dug it when we'd wink and ask them if
3787they'd like to come up to our dorm room for a little "cock-u-pressure." 
3788
3789Since then, I've learned there are many different kinds of alternative
3790medicine, each based on different theories. For example, there's acupuncture,
3791which works on the principle of distraction. You're not going to feel the
3792arthritis in your knee when someone's ramming a butterfly specimen needle into
3793the nape of your neck. It's the same reason your nose never itches when your
3794ankle is caught in a bear trap. 
3795
3796Another theory says that the key to good health is colonic irrigation. You know
3797what a colonic is. It's when a trained professional puts eight quarters into
3798the coin slot of a car-wash pressure wand and details your interior. I decided
3799I would give it a try, but then my wife came home early and caught me
3800power-squatting over her bidet like an orang-utan with osteoporosis, and I had
3801to sleep downstairs in the rec room until she got that picture out of her head.
3802
3803
3804Anyway, maybe that's all made me a tad skeptical about alternative medicine. If
3805I'm seeking treatment for something, I want documentation of my improvement. I
3806want a guy in a lab coat showing me before-and-after x-rays and test results
3807charted on graph paper. What I don't want is my specialist basing his
3808conclusion that I'm cured on the fact that his step-cousin, Bobby Wasabi, saw
3809two doves fucking in a dream. 
3810
3811Like I said, I don't think that Western culture has all the answers, but it
3812sure does seem like people in India flock to the Red Cross in droves whenever
3813that tent pops up. Hey, maybe that's their alternative medicine (wink, wink).
3814Sorry folks, the understated stuff hasn't been working lately. Had to go to the
3815Buford Pusser stick with you. 
3816
3817Bottom line, the human body is a mysterious thing, my friends, and there's
3818absolutely nothing wrong with exploring all the options available. Just
3819remember, every once in a while, the untutored maverick whom the medical
3820establishment assumes doesn't know what he's talking about actually doesn't
3821know what he's talking about. 
3822
3823Look, we're Americans: optimistic, addicted to the quick fix, constantly on the
3824hunt for the new and exotic. It's much easier for us to accept a guy with a big
3825white beard hawking his own custom blend of saw palmetto and squirrel dandruff
3826than it is to hear a real doctor telling us to lay off the Big Macs, get off
3827our fat asses and take a walk every decade or so. 
3828
3829If alternative medicine is so much better than mainstream science, then tell me
3830this, Nick Natural: Where is your alternative medicine's magical tincture that
3831allows me to stroll through a pollen-laden field of dandelions and still feel
3832like I'm walking on sunshine? Where's your shark cartilage that allows me to
3833start each morning with a stick of butter, a half dozen cinnabons and a pot of
3834espresso, without four o'clock rollin' around and me trying to figure out if
3835I've just got gas or if it really is checkout time? And where's your enchanted
3836cedar bark that makes my dick harder than a lasting Middle East peace? Well,
3837I'll tell you where it is, Vishnu. Traditional, mainstream, corporate-funded,
3838evil Western medicine, that's where the fuck it is. 
3839
3840Of course, that's just my opinion. I could be wrong.
3841
3842 
3843The Afterlife
3844Colonel Tom Parker passed away this week, age 87. So. Elvis? If you can hear
3845me, get ready to give up half the strings on your harp, my friend. 87. Had a
3846good run. And eventually, we all have to leave the building, don't we? It's
3847just, "What's out there?!" aura. I don't want to get off on a rant here, but as
3848more and more aging Baby Boomers peer through their bifocals at the haggard
3849Lance Hendrixian face of their own mortality, one question seems to occur with
3850numbing frequency, where do we go after last call at Bistro Earth? 
3851As a forty-three year old man I am starting to ponder concepts like my own end
3852game, not so much in a Dionne Warwick way, but as a means with which to
3853acclimate myself to facing the inevitable. I know people say life begins at
3854forty. Yeah, if you're the fucking Highlander. But, you know, the rest of us
3855are trying to make sense out of the indecipherable babble of everyone else's
3856best guess as to what awaits us behind door number 3 in Monty's death jar. 
3857
3858Do we go on a journey into something more magnificent, or do we merely get
3859buried and remade into bridge-mix for worms? Well, you know, we just don't
3860know, and that question often tugs on us like harder than Newt Gingrich trying
3861to water ski. Death haunts us because the only guarantee that comes with the
3862gift of life is that sooner or later you're gonna have to return that gift to
3863whatever cosmic Nordstrom's we inhabit. 
3864
3865The afterlife is a subject that's inspired more speculation than how Melissa
3866Ethridge's girlfriend got pregnant. You know, I would like to believe that when
3867I get to the Pearly Gates I will be greeted by St. Peter, and he'll say that
3868he's a big fan of the show, and I don't have to queue up with the rest of the
3869dead losers, and then a big doorman with a headset halo and black leather wings
3870unhitches the velvet rope and waves me in. That's what I'd like to believe, but
3871for all I know, St. Pete is just another pissed off DMV zombie who makes you go
3872to the end of the stooge line behind the guy who had one Tai Chi lesson and
3873went into a biker bar to test it out. He's standing in front of you there in
3874the crane position with a pool cue sticking out of his ass, blunt side in. 
3875
3876Then the next thing in the eternal life is you get to review all the moments of
3877your life. Oh, that's great. Having to watch daily's of all the stuff you'd
3878rather forget from your earlier days. Scenes like the time you figured out how
3879to fuck your toy cement mixer when you were twelve. How about the time you ate
3880a castanata size portion of buttons at a college party and thought your
3881roommate was a giant suck locust so you ran nude through a mall with a Doors'
388245 stuck on your penis to warn the villagers? 
3883
3884So, while we can all pretty much agree on what heaven must be like, hell, like
3885Winston Smith's rat cage, is a subjective thing; it's what you find most
3886loathsome and frightening in your heart of hearts and it is forever. It's
3887sitting in the Clockwork Orange chair through an ever repeating double feature
3888of Showgirls and Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot. It's being stuck in a never-ending
3889traffic jam in mid-August with no air conditioning and a radio that only gets
3890the "All Rosie Perez-All the Time" station. 
3891
3892Philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre once said, "Hell is other people," and he should
3893know because he lived in France. About the only evidence we have to go on as
3894far as the afterlife is concerned is the testimony of people who have had
3895near-death experiences, and they all describe the same phenomenon: rushing at
3896break-neck speed through a long dark tunnel towards a bright light at the end.
3897Hey, you call it a "near death experience," I call it "riding on Amtrak," okay?
3898Poe-tay-toe, pa-ta-toe, dee-rail-lo, dee-ral-low. 
3899
3900But, near-death isn't enough, is it? What we really need to do is to talk to
3901somebody with a cellular on the other side whose got meta-physical roam. Now,
3902when I was a kid we got a Ouija board and we proceeded to convince ourselves
3903that we had discovered a direct connection to the world of the unseen. I
3904realized that may be it wasn't that precise a device when we lost the sliding
3905thing and replaced it with a Cool-Whip lid with a thumbtack in it. I was
3906getting suspicious anyway when I noticed that all of the spirits we contacted
3907misspelled the exact same words that my brother did. 
3908
3909Now, the later day Ouija boards are the channelers, and channelers for a hefty
3910fee will sit you down at a table, back light a crystal, turn on some Tesh at
3911Red Rocks bootleg tape, and then pop in and out of characters so paper-thin
3912that they couldn't get passed the Table Read at "Renegade." And this stuff is
3913rife in LA. I mean, I would remind you that most people in Hollywood barely
3914have one person inside of them, let alone 200, okay? Simply put, if there were
3915no money to be made from summoning the dead, channeling would be about as
3916popular as Marla Maples at a benefit screening for the First Wives' Club, okay?
3917
3918
3919So, if much of man's dabblings in the afterlife distill down into nonsense, why
3920does it hold so much fascination for us? And for the answer to that question,
3921we must go to the afterlife's PR firm, organized religion, promising us eternal
3922bliss and threatening us with hell and damnation are the bullwhip and the chair
3923that keep us from trying to maul our trainer. Well, it's ironic that an
3924argument about finality could just go on and on. But, that about sums it up. 
3925
3926So, let's just leave it at this: Your Big-3 brand name creeds all agreed on one
3927thing: Sammy Hagar was a mistake. But they also believe in a judgment day, when
3928the world comes to an end. The dead shall rise and judgment will be pronounced
3929on the deeds of all those who inhabited the planet. And folks, even Johnny
3930Cochran won't be able to bullshit his way out of that one. 
3931
3932Of course, that's just my opinion. I could be wrong. 
3933 
3934
3935On Abortion
3936Now I don't want to get off on a rant here, because basically tonight's topic
3937is a minefield - Abortion. I couldn't be anymore on tiptoes if the show was
3938being produced by George Balanchine. This is the Big Debate, and I'm talking
3939bigger than who was the better Darren on Bewitched. Abortion is our nation's
3940"Final Jeopardy," and I'll wager, Alex, that if our nation fights another Civil
3941War, it will be about this. And I would remind you that this all from my
3942perspective, the male perspective, a one-step-removed perspective, because I
3943will obviously never have to decide on whether or not I should have an
3944abortion. And by the way, my belief is that if men were the ones getting
3945pregnant, abortions would be easier to get than food poisoning in Moscow.
3946Having men decide the fate of a woman's reproductive system makes about as much
3947sense as asking Quentin Crisp to coach the Raiders. 
3948All right, enough qualifying, let's get on with it. There's no doubt that
3949passions run high on both sides, and this issue has created a divide in this
3950country not seen since Carly Simon last yawned in public. The prevailing
3951opinions on a woman's freedom to choose are going further to the right than a
3952Greg Norman tee shot. 
3953
3954Pro-life activists attempt to paint anyone pro-choice as having no morals. On
3955the other side of the ledger, pro-choicers are tagging pro-lifers as crazed and
3956backward bible-thumpers bent on running the lives of the people who disagree
3957with them. The truth, as always, is, the case of human endeavors lies somewhere
3958in between. As much as the advance scouts on either side of this issue might
3959not want to admit it, good people do get abortions and other good people are
3960pained by their decision to get one. 
3961
3962Where do I stand? Well, I'm like most of you, I presume, I think there are far
3963too many abortions performed in this country. And I also believe that at the
3964end of the day, as much as I might disapprove, none of them are really any of
3965my business. Look, there are always going to be arguments on this issue. The
3966debate will rage until the end of time no matter what the whim of the Papal
3967infallibility or the politics of the decade. But the simple truth is, that such
3968a passionate and personal decision dictates that the choice be left to the
3969individual. And you know, that's really all we can do, because we're just human
3970beings, stumbling around in the dark, trying to get to the bathroom and kicking
3971the shit out of our shins on the way there. 
3972
3973Now there's some things all right-minded human beings should agree on. We
3974should all agree that abortions should be legal in the case of rape, incest and
3975when the mother's life is at risk -- that's just common sense. But excluding
3976that obvious assumption, everything else in the abortion arena is "in play."
3977There are many quagmires complicating this issue. Religion. Now it seems that
3978religion is most often the backboard for every bank shot put up by someone
3979making it their business to get into your business. Roman Catholic doctrine
3980forbids abortion. Fine. Take that into consideration when you make your
3981decision. Right-to-life proponents contend that abortion is immoral. Fine. Take
3982that into consideration when you make your decision. Another pothole on the
3983road to a sensible resolution to abortion is "when does life begin?" At
3984conception? When a heartbeat is detected? At the first drawn breath? You know,
3985for me it wasn't until last Tuesday. Until then I was just a sperm with an
3986accountant! Okay, so those are the variables, and there are obviously millions
3987more variables that make each individual case unique. But the more you think
3988about it, and the more it makes your head spin, and the more confused you get
3989trying to figure out someone else's life for them, it becomes increasingly
3990apparent that it has to be the call of the individual who is pregnant, because
3991the collective, one way or another, won't have to suffer the consequences of
3992that most personal of all decisions. 
3993
3994My fellow Americans, it is time to suck it up. Look deep into your immortal
3995soul (if you believe you have one) and do the right thing. Have the courage and
3996strength to live your own life, by your own standards, and stop trying to call
3997the shots for everyone else. We all live with glaring inconsistencies, and
3998sometimes, when you see something going on right in front of you that offends
3999you to the very core of your being, sometimes the best thing you can do is walk
4000away, because you know that's exactly what you would want them to do for you.
4001There's only one judge on all this and that's God. And you don't get to meet
4002him until you go backstage after the play is over. And believe me, you do not
4003want to get a "thumbs down" from the guy who created thumbs, all right? In the
4004interim, everybody has got to tend their own garden vis-a-vis abortion. And
4005remember, when it comes to your body, only you wear the robes, and only you
4006carry the gavel. 
4007
4008Of course, that's just my opinion, I could be wrong. 
4009 
4010
4011The Fate of the Presidency - January 8, 1999
4012Poor Bill Clinton. Well it’s his fault. Who the hell would want that job anyway? You know what the problem with the presidency is? We only pay the guy $250,000 bucks a year. You know even NBA white guys make more than that. Now I don’t want to get off on a rant here, but what is to become of our beloved presidency? And I don’t mean the Clinton presidency, because you know he’s gonna survive this. Clinton’s ass is 90% super-ball. OK. And the harder he falls on it, the higher he bounces. Christ, even Jason looks at Clinton and says, "I can’t believe this son-of-a-bitch is still alive." President Clinton’s popularity is through the roof. All right, some of it is stuck on the ceiling. But it is through the roof. Partly because we like the job he’s doing, and partly because most Americans view those numb nuts in the Senate and the glass House of Representatives like they’re the uptight frat guys from Animal House.
4013
4014To me, the most interesting revelation to come out of this whole affair is that after a year in which the entire executive branch was supposedly hamstrung, the American people have gotten along very nicely without it thank you. Our founding fathers could never have predicted the absolute stability of this rudderless ship of state. Oh and by the way, we have to stop viewing the presidency through the rose garden colored glasses of the constitution, OK. Quit beating me over the head with this rolled up 200-year-old things-to-do list. Yeah, some of its great and some of its just antiquated bullshit, OK. Listen, if Thomas Jefferson were alive today and you drove him out to Washington National Airport in a BMW 700 Series and put him on the Concord and gave him a laptop and a cell phone to fool around with for the three and one half hour flight to Europe. And then told him we were still running the country strictly according to the precepts that he and his friends scribbled on a cocktail napkin once at a party in 1787. Well do you think Jefferson wouldn’t look at you in disbelief and say, "What the fuck are you thinking?" Flip it over. See it says right there "feel free to change this every couple of centuries or so asshole."
4015
4016Look the office of the president has always functioned much like a frilly toothpick on a deli sandwich. It serves no nutritional purpose, but it looks good and holds things together. For better or for worse, a president embodies the sentiment and spirit of his time. And Clinton? Yeah, OK, compared to Clinton, eels are Velcro. But, reprehensible as he is, we identify with him. Clinton’s insatiable need to be loved, constantly undermined by his own self-destructive tendencies, is a larger-than-life parallel to our own inner turmoil. Ironically enough it’s now we who feel his pain. In the near term what will happen to the presidency depends on who we put into office. If we elect Al Gore, the president will be a dull ineffectual figurehead from Tennessee. On the other hand, if we elect George Bush, Jr. the president will be a dull ineffectual figurehead from Texas. See that’s why it’s so vitally important that you vote. Because the letters after the T in the state they come from start to get different. Hey, the presidency is not supposed to be a Crisco orgy. But it’s also not a platform for canonization either, OK. It’s a job. And up until recently, it was one job that respectable public servants might aspire to. And until we stop putting the chief executives personal life under more scrutiny than Tyra Banks in a tybo class, the prospective pool of qualified applicants is going to be shallower than Jennifer Love Hewitt reciting some of her own poetry at the Virgin Mega Store Café alright.
4017
4018Look folks, I hate to burst anybody’s patriotic bubble, but there are no heroes anymore. The times we live in won’ t allow them. The very process of running for the presidency is so debasing its guaranteed to squash whatever noble or idealistic impulses a candidate is naïve enough to entertain in the first place. I look at presidents the same way I look at the guy who trims my hedges. All I ask is that he does his job, doesn’t rip me off or stare too long at my wife, that’s it OK. I think if the next president is to learn anything from this whole episode, its that he should be totally forthcoming with whatever dark secret he harbors thereby completely defanging the rabid pack of partisan watchdogs nipping at his heels. You know, at this point, I really believe that our entire nation actually would deify the first president who steps up to a podium, looks dead into a television camera and says, "Folks, she blew me. As a matter of fact, she’s blowin’ me right now. But enough about me, let’s talk about cutting yo…uh…eh…uh…you’re taxes." Of course, that’s just my opinion. I could be wrong.
4019
4020 
4021
4022Intelligence
4023ABC spent an full hour of primetime talking to [Michael and Lisa Marie Jackson]. Why does something completely inane like that fascinate us? Our culture has gone from GE College Bowl to the guy on Wheel of Fortune who asks, "Is there an ‘F,’ as in pharoh?" Is intelligence a liability nowadays? I think we can answer that with one word: "Duh!" America has never been what you would call highbrow, but these days it seems our collective cranial ridge is sloping like the shoulders of the bar boy at the Kennedy compound.
4024
4025Now, I don’t want to get off on a rant here, but we live in an era and a time where calling someone an Einstein is considered to be somewhat of an insult. Morons are out there in force making left-hand turns from right-hand lanes, trying to pay for drive-thru tacos with a fucking check, calling 411 to get the number for information, and in most of our fine metropoli, the reposed "Fuck off!" will get you a seat at the local Algonquin round table. What happened? I’ll tell you what happened.
4026
4027First and foremost, as a matter of fact, numbers 1, 2, and . . . what come after 2, we didn’t pay enough attention to our education system. We gotta stop paying teachers like the kid who delivers grit! For Christ’s sake, these are the people who will lead us and our children into the century and they can’t even afford real Yodels, okay? They have to get those 144 count price-club steamer trunk size of Little Debby’s, the equivalent.
4028
4029High school kids are entering the job market with an education that barely qualifies them to run the Tilt-A-Whirl at the traveling carnival. Even those fortunate enough to graduate from Ivy-League schools, well, they go to write movie scripts about, guess what . . . stupid people.
4030
4031And that brings us to our next reason. Let’s face facts, the TV beast ate us whole quicker than a dog on a Dreamsicle, all right? Most talk shows are bimbomercials. Connie Chung actually hosted a network news show for a year, and many sitcoms need two longshoremen with a pipe wrench to twist the canned laughter dial. Bright people whom I really used to respect now stay home to watch "Beverly Hills, 90210." Why bother? You just know that every week Brandon and Dillon are gonna let Kelly jerk ‘em around for a while and Dawn and Ray are gonna be having yet another abusive spat at the Peach, but, oh, I hate Ray!! T.V. producers say Americans enjoy the stupid shit. But, hey, it’s the same reason Eskimos enjoy blubber; it’s the only fucking thing available at the Arctic buffet, okay? Pop culture has turned the brain into the body’s new appendix; no real function and it could quite possible blow up and kill you. As organs go, you just don’t need your brain anymore. As a matter of fact, I’m certain in the very near future people will go to the hospital, or should I say, turn on the hospital channel, and get their brain taken out just as a precaution.
4032
4033Indeed, in the business of television brightness can often be taken from you and used as a semitarn to cleave your occupational head off. Our guest tonight, Jon Stewart, ran a pretty tight, and might I add, pretty intelligent little Keebler tree over there till it was chopped down last week. Now there are many reasons for the cancellation of a television show. I’m pretty sure Jon will tell you that the copability flow chart on the demise of his show read like the genealogy of the kid on the porch in "Deliverance." But, I’m reasonable sure it had something to do with Jon use of words like "genealogy," which I think most Americans believe to be when Barbara Eden visits her OB-GYN.
4034
4035America, we are at a fork in the road. To the left you’ve got books, and to the right, the never-ending horizon of the new technology. I, myself, am taking a hard left because if they talk you into hanging that rico, the new technology is only gonna make it worse. Now they tell you it’s gonna make it better, but if you notice the voice they tell you that in is always the computer generated one and it’s digitally synthesized too. That means less expected from us, less striving, less brainwork, more stupid, and eventually the king will be the one who just doesn’t shit himself. You know, our reliance on technology is making us soft and if we’re not careful it will only get worse.
4036
4037Scientists estimate that by the end of this century, via the means of Virtual Reality, a man will be able to assimilate making love to any women he wants to through his television set. You know, folks, the day an unemployed ironworker can lay in his Bark-a-lounger with a Fosters in one hand and a channel flicker in the other and fuck Claudia Schiffer for $19.95, it’s gonna make crack look like Sanka, all right?!
4038
4039Of course, that’s just my opinion. I could be wrong.
4040
4041 
4042
4043Feminism In The ‘90’s
4044A Million Women’s March is being planned for mid-June here in Los Angeles, and I think that’s a great idea. And hey, ladies. While you’re all up, could you get us a beer?
4045
4046Ahh, feminism in the ‘90’s. What a "What is yours and what is mine?" field. Okay, this subject is touchier than an Apple Computer stockholder who forgot to take a Xanax. I don’t want to get off on a rant here, but the feminist movement of the ‘90’s is going off in more directions than Don King’s hair in an electrical storm.
4047
4048You know, to be an oubberfrow in the ‘90’s is to be as confused as Al D’Amato on Celebrity Jeopardy! Current day feminists are slapped with more labels than a telephone pole in front of a coffee house at Welsley and draw more enmity than Linda McCartney at a Tony Roama’s. They’re stereotypically portrayed as humorless, multiple cat owning, beragous, wearing shapeless home tie-dyed dresses, and car-lofting around in Doc Martins while hosting their own public access cable show called "The No Fly Zone" which is unfair because, despite the Janet Reno size strides over the past twenty years, there are still gender inequities in our society that are more glaring than a freshly buffed diamond tiara on the Bonevian Salt Flats at high noon.
4049
4050Having drinks bought for you and being able to cry your way out of a speeding ticket don’t make up for lower wages, date rape, pick-up trucks with naked women silouhetted on the mud flaps, no affordable child care, happy handed boss, not being called on in class even when you know the answer, and having to take most of the responsibility for birth control.
4051
4052Recently, we’re seeing women’s rights violated in places as dispert as a condo in Brentwood, California, and a Mistubishi plant in Normal, Illinois. Hey, listen. Everybody has got a right to work at their job without being bullied and humiliated. And as long as there are people out there who are so threatened, so consumed with hatred and fear that they have to use what little power they have to take those rights away from women, well you can bet your sensible boots there’s gonna be a woman’s movement. And there will always be men who are threatened by that movement.
4053
4054Feminism in the ‘90’s has left in its wake a gaggle of men more flustered than Les Nesman reporting live from the MTV Malibu Beach House. And no man, no man, is more threatened than Rush Limbaugh, who is the quintessential male anti-feminist. Now, anybody who hasn’t even seen his dick in the past ten years is bound to be anti-woman.
4055
4056But, while it has been slow in coming, men are, they are, finally in the process of divesting themselves of much of their undeserved and unwarranted power. Guys, we had to give it up. It was time to share the power because we were ruining everything. For the survival of out species on our planet, evolution reclaimed our crown and made us share it, because quite frankly, leaving Planet Earth in the hands of only men is like asking Moe Howard to baby-sit a colicky infant.
4057
4058Anyway, while I agree with the majority of feminists causes and I admire their passion and commitment, often times their approach leaves much to be desired. But before the Earth gets a S.W.A.T. Team that comes and takes me away to the reprogramming camp for the estrogen impaired where I’ll learn to become a more nurturing, sensitive man with a developed feminine side who can bake bread and then perform foreplay for five hours at a pop, before that happens, may I put forth the following suggestions:
4059
4060    1. If you want your message heard, leave the rage to Alanis Morisette, okay?
4061
4062Because when you’re strident, you remind us of our mums yelling at us when we do what we did to them; we ignore you.
4063
4064    2. Opposed as I am of violence against women, would someone ask Oddjob to please take Camiel Powe and her leopard trim Humvee out to the junkyard and place them in the compactor?
4065
4066This woman is so insane, she makes Cochran’s summation speech sound like Al Gore reading his grocery list.
4067
4068    And 3. Sisters, let’s be more inclusive of different approaches to this thing.
4069
4070Many of today’s younger women have become alienated from the feminist movement because of the extreme messages being sent by its more vociferous leaders. No one likes to be told they’re a traitor because they quit their job to stay home with the baby, or like to wear high heels and make-up. You can’t spend every nanosecond of life trying to elevate the gender. There has to be room for compromise for allowing for differences between women. We need to respect Shannon Faulkner and Shannon Tweed.
4071
4072Now look, I’m not trying to sell you a carton of Virginia Slims here, but listen to me. Yes, women still find doors shut tighter than a Jehovah’s Witness approaching Mark Furman’s house. And yes, yes, most corporate headquarters have more glass ceilings than Carl Sagan’s townhouse. But for women to fixate only on what they haven’t accomplished without stepping back to marvel at how quickly and far they have advanced in the past twenty years is gonna make them feel more fucked over than lining up for two hours to see a taping of Mike and Maddy to only discover that Maddy’s been sidelined by the flu.
4073
4074You know what I want? I want to live in a world where women are allowed to fail as badly as men and then get a better job and a raise just like men. And I’m hoping you’ll remember that I said that and I was always on your side ‘cause I don’t wanna be hurt in the coming revolution.
4075
4076And by the way, don’t you all look sexy in your little uniforms?
4077
4078Of course, that’s just my wife’s opinion. I could be wrong.
4079
4080 
4081
4082O. J.
4083OJ Simpson - on his way to England to speak. He said "England is very similar to America except they have their low-speed chases on the other side of the road over there." Things are a little bit different over there: Trucks are ‘Lorreys’ , elevators are ‘Lifts’, and OJ Simpson ....’is a double murderer’.
4084
4085Now I don’t want to get off on a rant here but it’s about time to put the bronco in reverse and take a long slow look back at the trial of the century. Since October 3rd, 1995 the verdict in the OJ Simpson trial has reverberated in America’s consciousness like the last cord of "A day in the life" played on a perpetual tape loop inside a squash court. No amount of psychic sorbet seems to be able to be able to cleanse our collective palate of the nasty taste left by L’affair Simpson. It lingers as stubbornly and unpleasantly as a drunken party guest, passed out on the couch, with an open bottle of Hi-Karate in his pocket. The questions that it’s raised nag at us like Norman Bates’ mom on a rainy sunday. The Simpson jury didn’t really hand down their decision, more like it pulled its pin and lobbed it at us. When the verdict was read people did more double-takes than professor Irwin Corey at a Hawaiin Tropic competition.
4086
4087And what have we learned from the trial? Now that we’ve chewed it over like Bob Dole gumming a wad of month-old salt water taffy? Well, we’ve learned that the only way you’ll ever get at trial by a jury of your peers in this country is if you happen to be ill-informed and pre-disposed. I think some of these people made their minds up before the murder even happened! We also learned that if you’re a black lawyer and you take a case prosecuting a black man for a crime that you know in your heart that he commited, well that automatically makes you a sellout to your race. And we learned that if you’re convicted wife-beater it’s OK to disgrace your dead spouse’s memory by giving sworn testimony in a deposition where you say (use whining tone of voice) "She hit me first". We also learned that empirical evidence doesn’t seem to matter anymore. The sea of blood on the killer’s hands and bronco was so deep that it had its own undertow. The evidence was more overwhelming that a New York City taxi in August with all the windows shut. And how did ‘team OJ’ combat this K2 sized mountain of proof ? Well, the defense’s stradegy involved more smoke and mirrors than a tire fire in a brothel.
4088
4089Well, you know something - they DIDN’T convince me because even if you martinize away all the blood, you’re still left with a womanizing, wife-beating, egotistical, drug-using, posessive bully and just for that I think he should be locked away tighter than Gordon Elliot’s cumberbund at the 37th annual daytime emmy awards!
4090
4091You know, I blame alot of what happened at the trial on Lance Ito.
4092
4093A judge is supposed to control a trial, but Ito had about as much control of the room as Kathie Lee Gifford singing "You Light Up My Life" at the Apollo Theater ! Oh well, it’s gone, Ito’s gone, there’s a new ringmaster now. The circus has died down but hasn’t completely pulled out of the station. OJ Simpson is currently embroiled in a wrongful death civil suit which could eat up whatever money he’s got left from the last trial that his jackals for the defense didn’t make off with. The videotape he was hawking netted about as much as the Philly cheese steak concession at a K.D. Lange concert. His lame attempts at reviving his lagging career and his destroyed credibility are as transparent as a Vargas girl’s nightgown. And so , what’s an OJ to do? Hey, that book he wrote where he was supposed to answer people’s questions did pretty well, maybe he could write an advice column called "Dear Stabby". You know, at this point it almost doesn’t seem to matter to anyone anymore that OJ did it - it’s become just another punch line. He plotted it, he planned it, he worked out all the timing, his escape route, his alibi, and the only unscheduled stumbling blocks he had to improvise around were Kato wanting to go talk to the big clown, and Ron Goldman wanting not to die! But like he once did with linebackers who stood between him and the end-zone OJ got by them. In the words of the NFL films announcer: "On that warm June day a fierce warrior had a mission. That warrior was Orenthal James Simpson. A man possesed, a man who was not to be denied. He pulled a fancy stutter-step on Kato then he squared his shoulders and ran right over Ron Goldman. Penalty flags were thrown, but upon further review the referees in black & white striped shirts turned out to be referees in white shirts and referees in black shirts."
4094
4095I freely admit to feeling cheated that OJ Simpson didn’t get life for his crimes. That he probably will never be brought to his arthritic knees. I assauage my anger by reassuring myself that he will never again elicit the respect and admiration of reasonable people. That he’ll always be whispered about like some latter-day Hester Prynne wearing an "M" instead of an "A". And that he will always be surrounded by back-slappers, sycophants, ass-kissing golfing buddies, and coke whores who are looking to thrill-fuck a murderer. Hey, you know what folks? I think he DID get life. Yeah he did. You’re our "bitch" now OJ. Of course that’s just my opinion, I could be wrong........
4096
4097But of course he’s not. And that’s MY opinion !
4098
4099 
4100
4101TRANSCRIPT: Dennis Miller on 'The Tonight Show With Jay Leno'' Feb. 25, 2003
4102Jay Leno: Let me ask you, war inevitable, what do you got?
4103
4104Dennis Miller: Listen, we have got to do it soon, just — we've got to mark
4105our turf. I think Iraq is like East Korea. I think you got to send a message to
4106these people over there, and I think this build-up to the war is why we're
4107having all this controversy.
4108
4109Because the last one, is it just me or did it seem to happen just like that.
4110Was watching CNN one night, the first Gulf War, they are sitting around in the
4111Baghdad hotel, the No Roof Inn or something, and they're watching "the
4112Bachelor," and it's a little harder for the bachelor over there because it's
4113tough to tell who's hot under the Burqua. They had just ordered some hummuus
4114and smores from room service and all of a sudden a gallaga game broke out. The
4115sky was full.
4116
4117We waited so long here, of course you'll hear a lot of controversy. I think
4118it's time to go in. You think the Elite Republican Guard is really going to
4119stop us? Anybody remember these guys from the last battle? They warned us, you
4120don't want to run into the Elite Republican Guard, they're killing machines. We
4121got 20 miles away from them, all we saw is Roadrunner clouds running off into
4122the distance. They were in Vegas last week opening for Robert Goulet.
4123
4124I think it's time to start the war. My favorite Afghani war story is the Al
4125Qaeda fighter who is crushed to death by the dissenting humanitarian food
4126pallet. Everybody sitting around in the next life at the Psychotic Algonquin
4127Roundtable swapping tales. What happened to you, Khalid? I saw a shadow, looked
4128up, Del Monte cling peaches coming right at my head. I didn't even have the
4129Kevlar turban on that day.
4130
4131Listen, it's time to do something. For God's sake, Saddam Hussein is — well,
4132it kills me that so many people are thinking this man — I hear this
4133revisionist stuff now, that he doesn't deserve
4134to be attacked. It's unbelievable to me. I saw Ed Harris one night speaking at
4135a pro-choice — pro-choice rally. Ed Harris the actor said we shouldn't go to
4136war. I was thinking if you can't get your head around the war, why don't you
4137just think of it as choosing to abort Saddam Hussein. Wouldn't that be a
4138rationale that you could possibly —
4139
4140Listen, we got to take care of ourselves now. I mean who going to protect us?
4141I'm not saying we have to be trigger happy, but let's not be trigger sad
4142either. Who are we going to bank on. You going to rely on the Germans? For
4143god's sake, with the Germans you never know if they're not signing on because
4144they don't believe in it or it's just not on a grand enough scale, you know.
4145The Germans, it's like when Alfred Nobel started giving the peace prize. You
4146know where he made his fortune, dynamite, he invented dynamite. He was so
4147haunted he was going to go to hell, he said at the end, here's 9 million, give
4148out the peace award. That's what the Germans do. They know they've got the
4149skankiest track record on the planet earth so now they'll be obstinate about
4150being pacifists.
4151
4152Even with bad guys, the Russians, I don't know, I think Putin is on a tight
4153leash right now because of that nerve gas disaster they had in Moscow. Really
4154stop to think about it, if they could take out that many friedlies liberating
4155an opera house, do you really want them flying off your wing in a real war? You
4156know something? The Belgians, you knew they'd waffle?
4157
4158That brings us to... well, you know where that brings us, to the French. The
4159French, you might as well gas up the dinghy and go fishing with Fredo because
4160you are dead to me, okay. You know something? These pricks are now putting —
4161they're putting swastikas on our flag in France. You've got all those boys
4162buried in Normandy. And after we had the good taste to chisel the
4163armpit hair off the Statue of Liberty you gave us, you know something, I —
4164always thought that tint was oxdized copper. Little did I know it was green
4165with envy.
4166
4167You know something, I say we don't let these guys on the war train now. They
4168don't want to be involved, fine. I say the train pulls out, leave them on the
4169platform and say listen you're not allowed to fight with us now. You guys want
4170to get your hands dirty at this late date, you'll have to run them through your
4171own hair.
4172
4173You know something, everybody's talking about post-liberation Iraq and who
4174should take care of it. Listen, you know they need the oil and you know there's
4175a lot of dirty paper on the French providing reactor parts that we're going to
4176unearth. I'd have a back channel call from Bush to Chirac and I'd tell him,
4177listen, pal, you know who's going to handle the day-to-day necessities of the
4178noble Iraqi, it's you, my friend. Consierge is a French word, isn't it?
4179
4180You know something, if they couldn't — I say we invade Iraq and then invade
4181Chirac. You run a pipe -- you run a pipe from the oilfield right over this
4182Eiffel Tower, shoot it up and have the world's biggest oil derrick. We got a
4183picture of it right here. Yeah. Listen, I would call the French scum bags, but
4184that, of course, would be a disservice to bags filled with scum.
4185
4186I'm just saying listen, I'dlike to have allies too. What's happening in this
4187world right now, we have a competency chasm. We are getting real good at what
4188we do and the whole world is going to hell in a handbasket. As that gap gets
4189wider, they'll hate us more and more and more. We are simultaneously the most
4190hated, feared, loved and admired planet — nation on this planet. In short, we
4191are Frank Sinatra and you know something, the Chairman didn't get to be the
4192Chairman lying down for punks outside the
4193Fountainbleu.
4194
4195Now listen, I don't know what I think of George W. Bush when he first got in,
4196but I've grown fond of the man, and maybe it's the times we live in. They say
4197he's not an environmentalist. But every time I see his ranch on tv, it looks
4198pretty nice. You know something, if we all took care of our own, we'd have a
4199great environment.
4200
4201I think he ought to take Saddam Hussein on this debate, I like that idea.
4202Because we can't find the guy anyway. Maybe this is a way to flush him out,
4203huh? He can say... — I hate to go back to the Godfather again, but we just
4204sit Bush down and say, listen, we know where the debate is. Halfway through the
4205opening remarks you say you got to take a pee, go into the bathroom, Rumsfeld
4206will tape a gun up under the flusher. You come out, make sure it's there.
4207Rumsfeld, I don't want my president walking out of there with just his dick in
4208his hand. You put two shots into Hussein's head, you drop the gun and walk out
4209of the restaurant. You do not run.
4210
4211Listen, I do not need a time of war to see peace protestors — and that's
4212fine, peace is fine, dissident is fine, that's the American way, but the Nazi
4213signs have got to stop. If you're in a peace march and the guy next to you has
4214a sign that says Bush is Hitler, forget the peace thing for a second and beat
4215his ass, because he is not Hitler.
4216
4217You know something, this is — this stuff has got to stop, somebody's got to
4218say something good in this community about this man. I'm starting a new web
4219sit, pro-Bush, called www dot w. And you know something, if you're watching
4220tonight, President Bush, and I'm not sure you are because I got a feeling you
4221watch the national network reruns of "BJ and The Bear," but if you're watching,
4222I want to just say, I think you're doing a hell of a job and I'm proud that
4223you're my president. I want to thank you and wish you Godspeed because you got
4224a tough deal of the cards. I think there are a lot more people out here on your
4225side than you would think.
4226
4227You know, Jay, I used to be a liberal. You look at what happens in the State of
4228California with untethered liberalism. Everybody in this state in charge now is
4229a Democrat. It's no longer the Andreas Fault, it's Gray Davis's fault. This is
4230what happens when you elect lawyers. Shakespeare said first kill all the
4231lawyers. I've been doing some some thinking, I think we could get away with it
4232because if you kill all of them, at our murder trial, we wouldn't have adequate
4233representation.
4234 
4235
4236
4237Monologue from 4/19
4238Amtrak is overhauling its East Coast fleet, replacing the 50 year old sleeper cars and putting a TV in every room. Now you can watch the reports of your derailment on CNN from your own cabin.
4239
4240The state of Arkansas is trying to teach its police to distinguish between sign language for the deaf and gang signing as part of an effort to prevent police from accidentally shooting deaf people, or talking really loudly to gang members.
4241
4242Andrew and Fergie are finally getting divorced. As part of the settlement, the Royal Family decided that Fergie would no longer be able to use the title "Her Royal Highness." Her new title is "The Other Slut We’re Done With."
4243
4244L.A. District Attorney Gil Garcetti recently hailed the Menendez verdict as "justice." Yeah, well don’t start patting yourself on the back, Gilberto. These morons confessed and it still took you two trials to convict them.
4245
4246Pope Paul II was criticized by an Italian Cardinal who accused the pontiff of elevating too many people to sainthood. The Pope disagreed with the Cardinal, then made him a saint.
4247
4248Madonna is pregnant and at this point she says she doesn’t know if it’s a boy or a girl. The father, that is. The baby is due sometime this winter. I smell pay per view.
4249
4250A bishop in Lincoln, Nebraska, is getting tough with Catholics in his diocese who belong to abortion rights and church-reform groups. Bishop Fabian Bruskewitz says that if parishioners don’t resign from targeted groups by May 5, they’ll be excommunicated. And if they still haven’t resigned by June 5, no more bingo.
4251
4252 
4253
4254Monologue from 4/26
4255Friends of the Unabomber Ted Kaczynski say he was a friendly, Mr. fix it type. Especially if you were having trouble with your bombs.
4256
4257Bob Dole has finally admitted that Congress will have to surrender to political realities and consider raising the minimum wage. Dole said he’s always fought such raises throughout his career, even the first one when it went from two rocks to a sharp stick.
4258
4259Leaders of the National Rifle Association threw their organization’s full support behind Bob Dole, and called Bill Clinton the most anti-gun president in U. S. history... unless of course you count the ones that were shot.
4260
4261F. Lee Bailey claims that he spent 44 days in prison, partly because of the nation’s bias against O.J. Simpson. But mostly because of the fact that he’s a fat, drunk thief who needed to be locked up. Just look at it this way F. Lee, somebody had to pay for what he did.
4262
4263Residents in Middlefield, Ohio are complaining about the boom boxes that some rebellious Amish teenagers have blaring from their horse-drawn carriages. But even more alarming have been the rash of recent buggy-jackings and trot-by shootings.
4264
4265Here in Los Angeles, Bank of America has a new policy. Now if you even so much as think about your bank account, you owe them two dollars .
4266
4267The 31st Academy of Country Music Awards were on NBC last week. The big winners... people who didn’t watch.
4268
4269A Rhode Island janitor has come forward as the winner of a 17 million dollar lottery prize. The janitor said he didn’t know what he’d do with the money, but a day later Sotheby’s received an anonymous bid of one hundred thousand dollars for Jackie O’s mop.
4270
4271FBI agents says that a search of Theodore Kaczynski’s cabin has unveiled a bomber’s workshop including: trigger switches, detonators and the original screenplay for "Showgirls".
4272
4273Two weeks ago Monday was April 15 and the deadline to file your taxes. I had a tough year. The only thing I was able to deduct was that OJ killed his ex-wife and a male companion.
4274
4275 
4276
4277Monologue from 5/3
4278After passing laws governing safety in the workplace, Congress now finds it must also comply with the Occupational Safety and Health Act of 1970. Congress was exempt before because it was not considered a place where people work.
4279
4280One hundred KKK demonstrators were shouted down by nearly two hundred anti-Klan protesters at a rally in Indiana last week. A spokesman for the Klan said that it’s hard to get your message of intellectual superiority across when you’re out-numbered three to one like that.
4281
4282 
4283
4284Monologue from 5/10
4285
4286This past Sunday was the Mexican holiday Cinco de Mayo and in a confused and misguided attempt to take part in the celebration, President Clinton ate five large jars of mayonnaise.
4287
4288The Unabomber’s cabin has been moved from its original location by the FBI. The 10 x 12 cabin has been moved to Manhattan, where it will be subdivided into two 5 x 6 studio apartments.
4289
4290During a photo shoot for TV Guide, Fran Drescher accidentally spilled hot coffee on her hand and now she’s suing them. TV Guide says they’ll settle out of court just so they don’t have to listen to Drescher testify.
4291
4292O.J. Simpson is in England this week. He says England is very similar to America except they have their low speed chases on the other side of the road. You know, things are a little different in England, trucks are ‘lorries’, elevators are ‘lifts’ and O.J. is a double murderer.
4293
4294 
4295
4296Monologue from 5/24
4297Seeking to defuse a Republican effort to make gay rights a campaign issue, the White House said that President Clinton is against same-sex marriages. Unless, of course, it’s two really hot chicks.
4298
4299A new study shows people burn more calories on treadmills than any other exercise machine. The study also says treadmills hold the most clothes.
4300
4301A poll conducted to find out how kids today feel about their school shows many of the same problems from earlier generations. Kids don’t like math, cafeteria food, and assemblies, and prefer the balance of a Beretta over the firepower of the Glock 9 Millimeter.
4302
4303A "Million Woman March" is being planned for mid-June in Los Angeles and I think that’s a great idea. And hey ladies, while you’re all up, can you get us a beer?
4304
4305 
4306
4307Dennis Miller:
4308Republican presidential hopeful Bob Dole is campaigning full-force and claiming the moral high ground. Of course he needed oxygen halfway up the slope to the moral high ground. Wow, wrestling the moral high ground away from Bill Clinton, what a coup. They’re gonna spend a week just picking up all the pizza boxes and condom wrappers.
4309
4310On a campaign visit to the Russian city of Ufa, Boris Yeltsin surprised everyone by getting up and dancing to rock music. What was especially surprising was he was attending a funeral at the time.
4311
4312Two hikers accused of starting a sixteen thousand acre fire in New Mexico by failing to douse their campfire will be billed 8.5 million dollars for the fire fighting costs. When asked to comment the hikers said, "Yeah, that’s why we’re camping, because we have 8.5 million dollars.
4313
4314Bogus hundred dollar bills are being passed in West Virginia. The redesigned hundreds have several anti-counterfeit measures built in, but none of them came into play once people found out you could fool convenience store clerks by drawing an extra zero on a ten.
4315
4316 
4317
4318Dennis Miller: The word from the campaign trail is that Bob Dole is trying to dispel the perceptions that he’s stiff, humorless and mean. Dole says he plans on doing this by being less stiff, humorless and mean.
4319
4320In Philadelphia last week firefighters were called on to rescue a three-year old boy who was accidentally locked in a bank safe. The boy was rescued successfully and then for some reason Bank of America charged him a two dollar fee.
4321
4322Members of the Rolling Stones were in the news this week. First, guitarist Keith Richards became a grandfather when his son had a baby girl, and then bassist Bill Wyman married her.
4323
4324Labor activists charged that Michael Jordan’s line of Nike sneakers are made by eleven year olds in Indonesia earning fourteen cents an hour. The report was put together by six year old Haitian girls earning seven cents an hour.