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1marble statues of ancient Ephebians doing heroic things with no clothes on protruded through the greenery and, here and there, there were statues of Ephebian gods. It was hard to tell the difference. Teppic knew that Dios had hard words to say about the Ephebians for having gods that looked just like people. If the gods looked just like everyone else, he used to say, how would people know how to treat them?
2Teppic had rather liked the idea. According to legend the Ephebians' gods were just like humans, except that they used their godhood to get up to things humans didn't have the nerve to do. A favourite trick of Ephebian gods, he recalled, was turning into some animal in order to gain the favours of highly-placed Ephebian women. And one of them had reputedly turned himself into a golden shower in pursuit of his intended. All this raised interesting questions about everyday night life in sophisticated Ephebe.
3He found Ptraci sitting on the grass under a poplar tree, feeding the tortoise. He gave it a suspicious look, in case it was a god trying it on. It did not look like a god. If it was a god, it was putting on an incredibly good act.
4She was feeding it a lettuce leaf.
5'Dear little ptortoise,' she said, and then looked up. 'Oh, it's you,' she said flatly.
6'You didn't miss much,' said Teppic, sagging on to the grass. 'They're a bunch of maniacs. When I left they were smashing the plates.'
7'That's ptraditional at the end of an Ephebian meal,' said Ptraci.
8Teppic thought about this. 'Why not before?' he said.
9'And then they probably dance to the sound of the bourzuki,' Ptraci added. 'I think it's a sort of dog.'
10Teppic sat with his head in his hands.
11'I must say you speak Ephebian well,' he said. 'Pthank you.'
12'Just a trace of an accent, though.'
13'Languages is part of the ptraining,' she said. 'And my grandmother told me that a ptrace of foreign accent is more fascinating.'
14'We learned the same thing,' said Teppic. 'An assassin should always be slightly foreign, no matter where he is. I'm good at that part,' he added bitterly.
15She began to massage his neck.
16'I went down to the harbour,' she said. 'There's those things like big rafts, you know, camels of the sea'
17'Ships,' said Teppic.
18'And they go everywhere. We could go anywhere we want. The world is our pthing with pearls in it, if we like.'
19Teppic told her about Pthagonal's theory. She didn't seem surprised.
20'Like an old pond where no new water comes in,' she observed. 'So everyone goes round and round in the same old puddle. All the ptime you live has been lived already. It must be like other people's bathwater.'
21'I'm going to go back.'
22Her fingers stopped their skilled kneading of his muscles.
23'We could go anywhere,' she repeated. 'We've got ptrades, we could sell that camel. You could show me that Ankh-Morpork place. It sounds interesting.'
24Teppic wondered what effect Ankh-Morpork would have on the girl. Then he wondered what effect she would have on the city. She was definitely flowering. Back in the Old Kingdom she'd never apparently had any original thoughts beyond the choice of the next grape to peel, but since she was outside she seemed to have changed. Her jaw hadn't changed, it was still quite small and, he had to admit, very pretty. But somehow it was more noticeable. She used to look at the ground when she spoke to him. She still didn't always look at him when she spoke to him, but now it was because she was thinking about something else.
25He found he kept wanting to say, politely, without stressing it in any way, just as a very gentle reminder, that he was king. But he had a feeling that she'd say she hadn't heard, and would he please repeat it, and if she looked at him he'd never be able to say it twice.
26'You could go,' he said. 'You'd get on well. I could give you a few names and addresses.'
27'And what would you do?'
28'I dread to think what's going on back home,' said Teppic. 'I ought to do something.'
29'You can't. Why ptry? Even if you didn't want to be an assassin there's lots of pthings you could do. And you said the man said it's not a place people could get into any more. I hate pyramids.'
30'Surely there's people there you care about?'
31Ptraci shrugged. 'If they're dead there's nothing I can do about it,' she said. 'And if they're alive, there's nothing I 'can do about it. So I shan't.'
32Teppic stared at her in a species of horrified admiration. It was a beautiful summary of things as they were. He just couldn't bring himself to think that way. His body had been away for seven years but his blood had been in the kingdom for a thousand times longer. Certainly he'd wanted to leave it behind, but that was the whole point. It would have been there. Even if he'd avoided it for the rest of his life, it would have still been a sort of anchor.
33'I feel so wretched about it,' he repeated. 'I'm sorry. That's all there is to it. Even to go back for five minutes, just to say, well, that I'm not coming back. That'd be enough. It's probably all my fault.'
34'But there isn't a way back! You'll just hang around sadly, like those deposed kings you ptold me about. You know, with pthreadbare cloaks and always begging for their food in a high-class way. There's nothing more useless than a king without a kingdom, you said. Just think about it.'
35They wandered through the sunset streets of the city, and towards the harbour. All streets in the city led towards the harbour.
36Someone was just putting a torch to the lighthouse, which was one of the More Than Seven Wonders of the World and had been built to a design by Pthagonal using the Golden Rule and the Five Aesthetic Principles. Unfortunately it had then been built in the wrong place because putting it in the right place would have spoiled the look of the harbour, but it was generally agreed by mariners to be a very beautiful lighthouse and something to look at while they were waiting to be towed off the rocks.
37The harbour below it was thronged with ships. Teppic and Ptraci picked their way past crates and bundles until they reached the long curved guard wall, harbour calm on one side, choppy with waves on the other. Above them the lighthouse flared and sparked.
38Those boats would be going to places he'd only ever heard of, he knew. The Ephebians were great traders. He could go back to Ankh and get his diploma, and then the world would indeed be the mollusc of his choice and he had any amount of knives to open it with.
39Ptraci put her hand in his.
40And there'd be none of this marrying relatives business. The months in Djelibeybi already seemed like a dream, one of those circular dreams that you never quite seem able to shake off and which make insomnia an attractive prospect. Whereas here was a future, unrolling in front of him like a carpet.
41What a chap needed at a time like this was a sign, some sort of book of instructions. The trouble with life was that you didn't get a chance to practise before doing it for real. You only-
42'Good grief? It's Teppic, isn't it?' The voice was addressing him from ankle height. A head appeared over the stone of the jetty, quickly followed by its body. An extremely richly dressed body, one on which no expense had been spared in the way of gems, furs, silks and laces, provided that all of them, every single one, was black.
43It was Chidder.
44'What's it doing now?' said Ptaclusp.
45His son poked his head cautiously over the ruins of a pillar and watched Hat, the Vulture-Headed God.
46'It's sniffing around,' he said. 'I think it likes the statue. Honestly, dad, why did you have to go and buy a thing like that?'
47'It was in a job lot,' said Ptaclusp. 'Anyway, I thought it would be a popular line.'
48'With who?'
49'Well, he likes it.'
50Ptaclusp IIb risked another squint at the angular monstrosity that was still hopping around the ruins.
51'Tell him he can have it if he goes away,' he suggested.
52'Tell him he can have it at cost.'
53Ptaclusp winced. 'At a discount,' he said. 'A special cut rate for our supernatural customers.
54He stared up at the sky. From their hiding place in the ruins of the construction camp, with the Great Pyramid still humming like a powerhouse behind them, they'd had an excellent view of the arrival of the gods. At first he'd viewed them with a certain amount of equanimity. Gods would be good customers, they always wanted temples and statues, he could deal directly, cut out the middle man.
55And then it had occurred to him that a god, when he was unhappy about the product, as it might be, maybe the plasterwork wasn't exactly as per spec, or perhaps a corner of the temple was a bit low on account of unexpected quicksand, a god didn't just come around demanding in a loud voice to see the manager. No. A god knew exactly where you were, and got to the point. Also, gods were notoriously bad payers. So were humans, of course, but they didn't actually expect you to die before they settled the account.
56His gaze turned to his other son, a painted silhouette against the statue, his mouth a frozen O of astonishment, and Ptaclusp reached a decision.
57'I've just about had it with pyramids,' he said. 'Remind me, lad. If we ever get out of here, no more pyramids. We've got set in our ways. Time to branch out, I reckon.'
58'That's what I've been telling you for ages, dad!' said IIb. 'I've told you, a couple of decent aqueducts will make a tremendous-'
59'Yes, yes, I remember,' said Ptaclusp. 'Yes. Aqueducts. All those arches and things. Fine. Only I can't remember where you said you have to put the coffin in.'
60'Dad!'
61'Don't mind me, lad. I think I'm going mad.'
62I couldn't have seen a mummy and two men over there, carrying sledgehammers.
63It was, indeed, Chidder.
64And Chidder had a boat.
65Teppic knew that further along the coast the Seriph of Al-Khali lived in the fabulous palace of the Rhoxie, which was said to have been built in one night by a genie and was famed in myth and legend for its splendour.[29]
66The Unnamed was the Rhoxie afloat, but more so. Its designer had a gilt complex, and had tried every trick with gold paint, curly pillars and expensive drapes to make it look less like a ship and more like a boudoir that had collided with a highly suspicious type of theatre.
67In fact, you needed an assassin's eyes for hidden detail to notice how innocently the gaudiness concealed the sleekness of the hull and the fact, even when you added the cabin space and the holds together, that there still seemed to be a lot of capacity unaccounted for. The water around what Ptraci called the pointed end was strangely rippled, but it would be totally ridiculous to suspect such an obvious merchantman of having a concealed ramming spike underwater, or that a mere five minutes' work with an axe would turn this wallowing Alcdzar into something that could run away from nearly everything else afloat and make the few that could catch up seriously regret it.
68'Very impressive,' said Teppic.
69'It's all show, really,' said Chidder.
70'Yes. I can see that.'
71'I mean, we're poor traders.'
72Teppic nodded. 'The usual phrase is “poor but honest traders”,' he said.
73Chidder smiled a merchant's smile. 'Oh, I think we'll stick on “poor” at the moment. How the hell are you, anyway? Last we heard you were going off to be king of some place no-one's ever heard of. And who is this lovely young lady?'
74'Her name' Teppic began.
75'Ptraci,' said Ptraci.
76'She's a hand-' Teppic began.
77'She must surely be a royal princess,' said Chidder smoothly. 'And it would give me the greatest pleasure if she, if indeed both of you, would dine with me tonight. Humble sailor's fare, I'm afraid, but we muddle along, we muddle along.'
78'Not Ephebian, is it?' said Teppic.
79'Ship's biscuit, salt beef, that sort of thing,' said Chidder, without taking his eyes off Ptraci. They hadn't left her since she came on board.
80Then he laughed. It was the old familiar Chidder laugh, not exactly without humour, but clearly well under the control of its owner's higher brain centres.
81'What an astonishing coincidence,' he said. 'And us due to sail at dawn, too. Can I offer you a change of clothing? You both look somewhat, er, travel-stained.'
82'Rough sailor clothing, I expect,' said Teppic. 'As befits a humble merchant, correct me if I'm wrong?'
83In fact Teppic was shown to a small cabin as exquisitely and carefully furnished as a jewelled egg, where there was laid upon the bed as fine an assortment of clothing as could be found anywhere on the Circle Sea. True, it all appeared second-hand, but carefully laundered and expertly stitched so that the sword cuts hardly showed at all. He gazed thoughtfully at the hooks on the wall, and the faint patching on the wood which hinted that various things had once been hung there and hastily removed.
84He stepped out into the narrow corridor, and met Ptraci. She'd chosen a red court dress such as had been the fashion in Ankh-Morpork ten years previously, with puffed sleeves and vast concealed underpinnings and ruffs the size of millstones.
85Teppic learned something new, which was that attractive women dressed in a few strips of gauze and a few yards of silk can actually look far more desirable when fully clad from neck to ankle. She gave an experimental twirl.
86'There are any amount of things like this in there,' she said. 'Is this how women dress in Ankh-Morpork? It's like wearing a house. It doesn't half make you sweaty.'
87'Look, about Chidder,' said Teppic urgently. 'I mean, he's a good fellow and everything, but-'
88'He's very kind, isn't he,' she agreed.
89'Well. Yes. He is,' Teppic admitted, hopelessly. 'He's an old friend.'
90'That's nice.'
91One of the crew materialised at the end of the corridor and bowed them into the state cabin, his air of old retainership marred only by the criss-cross pattern of scars on his head and some tattoos that made the pictures in The Shuttered Palace look like illustrations in a DIY shelving manual. The things he could make them do by flexing his biceps could keep entire dockside taverns fascinated for hours, and he was not aware that the worst moment of his entire life was only a few minutes away.
92'This is all very pleasant,' said Chidder, pouring some wine. He nodded at the tattooed man. 'You may serve the soup, Alfonz,' he added.
93'Look, Chiddy, you're not a pirate, are you?' said Teppic, desperately.
94'Is that what's been worrying you?' Chidder grinned his lazy grin.
95It wasn't everything that Teppic had been worrying about, but it had been jockeying for top position. He nodded.
96'No, we're not. We just prefer to, er, avoid paperwork wherever possible. You know? We don't like people to have all the worry of having to know everything we do.'
97'Only there's all the clothes-'
98'Ah. We get attacked by pirates a fair amount. That's why father had the Unnamed built. It always surprises them. And the whole thing is morally sound. We get their ship, their booty, and any prisoners they may have get rescued and given a ride home at competitive rates.'
99'What do you do with the pirates?'
100Chidder glanced at Alfonz.
101'That depends on future employment prospects,' he said. 'Father always says that a man down on his luck should be offered a helping hand. On terms, that is. How's the king business?'
102Teppic told him. Chidder listened intently, swilling the wine around in his glass.
103'So that's it,' he said at last. 'We heard there was going to be a war. That's why we're sailing tonight.'
104'I don't blame you,' said Teppic.
105'No, I mean to get the trade organised. With both sides, naturally, because we're strictly impartial. The weapons produced on this continent are really quite shocking. Down-right dangerous. You should come with us, too. You're a very valuable person.'
106'Never felt more valueless than right now,' said Teppic despondently.
107Chidder looked at him in amazement.
108'But you're a king!' he said.
109'Well, yes, but-'
110'Of a country which technically still exists, but isn't actually reachable by mortal man?'
111'Sadly so.'
112'And you can pass laws about, well, currency and taxation, yes?'
113'I suppose so, but-'
114'And you don't think you're valuable? Good grief, Tep, our accountants can probably think up fifty different ways to . . . well, my hands go damp just to think about it. Father will probably ask to move our head office there, for a start.'
115'Chidder, I explained. You know it. No-one can get in,' said Teppic.
116'That doesn't matter.'
117'Doesn't matter?'
118'No, because we'll just make Ankh our main branch office and pay our taxes in wherever the place is. All we need is an official address in, I don't know, the Avenue of the Pyramids or something. Take my tip and don't give in on anything until father gives you a seat on the board. You're royal, anyway, that's always impressive . .
119Chidder chattered on. Teppic felt his clothes growing hotter. So this was it. You lost your kingdom, and then it was worth more because it was a tax haven, and you took a seat on the board, whatever that was, and that made it all right.
120Ptraci defused the situation by grabbing Alfonz's arm as he was serving the pheasant.
121'The Congress of The Friendly Dog and the Two Small Biscuits!' she exclaimed, examining the intricate tattoo. 'You hardly ever see that these days. Isn't it well done? You can even make out the yoghurt.'
122Alfonz froze, and then blushed. Watching the glow spread across the great scarred head was like watching sunrise over a mountain range.
123'What's the one on your other arm?'
124Alfonz, who looked as though his past jobs had included being a battering ram, murmured something and, very shyly, showed her his forearm.
125''S'not really suitable for ladies,' he whispered.
126Ptraci brushed aside the wiry hair like a keen explorer, while Chidder stared at her with his mouth hanging open.
127'Oh, I know that one,' she said dismissively. 'That's out of 130 Days of Pseudopolis. It's physically impossible.' She let go of the arm, and turned back to her meal. After a moment she looked up at Teppic and Chidder.
128'Don't mind me,' she said brightly. 'Do go on.
129'Alfonz, please go and put a proper shirt on,' said Chidder, hoarsely.
130Alfonz backed away, staring at his arm.
131'Er. What was I, er, saying?' said Chidder. 'Sorry. Lost the thread. Er. Have some more wine, Tep?'
132Ptraci didn't just derail the train of thought, she ripped up the rails, burned the stations and melted the bridges for scrap. And so the dinner trailed off into beef pie, fresh peaches, crystallised sea urchins and desultory small talk about the good old days at the Guild. They had been three months ago. It seemed like a lifetime. Three months in the Old Kingdom was a lifetime.
133After some time Ptraci yawned and went to her cabin, leaving the two of them alone with a fresh bottle of wine. Chidder watched her go in awed silence.
134'Are there many like her back at your place?' he said.
135'I don't know,' Teppic admitted. 'There could be. Usually they lie around the place peeling grapes or waving fans.'
136'She's amazing. She'll take them by storm in Ankh, you know. With a figure like that and a mind like . . .' He hesitated. 'Is she . . . ? I mean, are you two . . .
137'No,' said Teppic.
138'She's very attractive.'
139'Yes,' said Teppic.
140'A sort of cross between a temple dancer and a bandsaw.' They took their glasses and went up on deck, where a few lights from the city paled against the brilliance of the stars. The water was flat calm, almost oily.
141Teppic's head was beginning to spin slowly. The desert, the sun, two gloss coats of Ephebian retsina on his stomach lining and a bottle of wine were getting together to beat up his synapses.
142'I mus' say,' he managed, leaning on the rail, 'you're doing all right for yourself.'
143'It's okay,' said Chidder. 'Commerce is quite interesting. Building up markets, you know. The cut and thrust of competition in the privateering sector. You ought to come in with us, boy. It's where the future lies, my father says. Not with wizards and kings, but with enterprising people who can afford to hire them. No offence intended, you understand.'
144'We're all that's left,' said Teppic to his wine glass. 'Out of the whole kingdom. Me, her, and a camel that smells like an old carpet. An ancient kingdom, lost.'
145'Good job it wasn't a new one,' said Chidder. 'At least people got some wear out of it.'
146'You don't know what it's like,' said Teppic. 'It's like a whole great pyramid. But upside down, you understand? All that history, all those ancestors, all the people, all funnelling down to me. Right at the bottom.'
147He slumped on to a coil of rope as Chidder passed the bottle back and said, 'It makes you think, doesn't it? There's all these lost cities and kingdoms around. Like Ee, in the Great Nef. Whole countries, just gone. Just out there somewhere. Maybe people started mucking about with geometry, what do you say?'
148Teppic snored.
149After some moments Chidder swayed forward, dropped the empty bottle over the side, it went plunk - and for a few seconds a stream of bubbles disturbed the flat calm - and staggered off to bed.
150Teppic dreamed.
151And in his dream he was standing on a high place, but unsteadily, because he was balancing on the shoulders of his father and mother, and below them he could make out his grandparents, and below them his ancestors stretching away and out in a vast, all right, a vast pyramid of humanity whose base was lost in clouds.
152He could hear the murmur of shouted orders and instructions floating up to him.
153If you do nothing, we shall never have been.
154'This is just a dream,' he said, and stepped out of it into a palace where a small, dark man in a loincloth was sitting on a stone bench, eating figs.
155'Of course it's a dream,' he said. 'The world is the dream of the Creator. It's all dreams, different kinds of dreams. They're supposed to tell you things. Like: don't eat lobster last thing at night. Stuff like that. Have you had the one about the seven cows?'
156'Yes,' said Teppic, looking around. He'd dreamed quite good architecture. 'One of them was playing a trombone.'
157'It was smoking a cigar in my day. Well-known ancestral dream, that dream.'
158'What does it mean?'
159The little man picked a seed from between his teeth.
160'Search me,' he said. 'I'd give my right arm to find out. I don't think we've met, by the way. I'm Khuft. I founded this kingdom. You dream a good fig.'
161'I'm dreaming you, too?'
162'Damn right. I had a vocabulary of eight hundred words, do you think I'd really be talking like this? If you're expecting a bit of helpful ancestral advice, forget it. This is a dream. I can't tell you anything you don't know yourself.'
163'You're the founder?'
164'That's me.'
165'I . . . thought you'd be different,' said Teppic.
166'How d'you mean?'
167'Well . . . on the statue . .
168Khuft waved a hand impatiently.
169'That's just public relations,' he said. 'I mean, look at me. Do I look patriarchal?'
170Teppic gave him a critical appraisal. 'Not in that loincloth,' he admitted. 'It's a bit, well, ragged.'
171'It's got years of wear left in it,' said Khuft.
172'Still, I expect it's all you could grab when you were fleeing from persecution,' said Teppic, anxious to show an understanding nature.
173Khuft took another fig and give him a lopsided look. 'How's that again?'
174'You were being persecuted,' said Teppic. 'That's why you fled into the desert.'
175'Oh, yes. You're right. Damn right. I was being persecuted for my beliefs.'
176'That's terrible,' said Teppic.
177Khuft spat. 'Damn right. I believed people wouldn't notice I'd sold them camels with plaster teeth until I was well out of town.'
178It took a little while for this to sink in, but it managed it with all the aplomb of a concrete block in a quicksand.
179'You're a criminal?' said Teppic.
180'Well, criminal's a dirty word, know what I mean?' said the little ancestor. 'I'd prefer entrepreneur. I was ahead of my time, that's my trouble.'
181'And you were running away?' said Teppic weakly.
182'It wouldn't,' said Khuft, 'have been a good idea to hang about.'
183'“And Khuft the camel herder became lost in the Desert, and there opened before him, as a Gift from the Gods, a Valley flowing with Milk and Honey”,' quoted Teppic, in a hollow voice. He added, 'I used to think it must have been awfully sticky.'
184'There I was, dying of thirst, all the camels kicking up a din, yelling for water, next minute - whoosh - a bloody great river valley, reed beds, hippos, the whole thing. Out of nowhere. I nearly got knocked down in the stampede.'
185'No!' said Teppic. 'It wasn't like that! The gods of the valley took pity on you and showed you the way in, didn't they?' He shut up, surprised at the tones of pleading in his own voice.
186Khuft sneered. 'Oh, yes? And I just happened to stumble across a hundred miles of river in the middle of the desert that everyone else had missed. Easy thing to miss, a hundred miles of river valley in the middle of a desert, isn't it? Not that I was going to look a gift camel in the mouth, you understand, I went and brought my family and the rest of the lads in soon enough. Never looked back.'
187'One minute it wasn't there, the next minute it was?' said Teppic.
188'Right enough. Hard to believe, isn't it?'
189'No,' said Teppic. 'No. Not really.' Khuft poked him with a wrinkled finger. 'I always reckoned it was the camels that did it,' he said. 'I always thought they sort of called it into place, like it was sort of potentially there but not quite, and it needed just that little bit of effort to make it real. Funny things, camels.'
190'I know.'
191'Odder than gods. Something the matter?'
192'Sorry,' said Teppic, 'it's just that this is all a bit of a shock. I mean, I thought we were really royal. I mean, we're more royal than anyone.
193Khuft picked a fig seed from between two blackened stumps which, because they were in his mouth, probably had to be called his teeth. Then he spat.
194'That's up to you,' he said, and vanished.
195Teppic walked through the necropolis, the pyramids a saw-edged skyline against the night. The sky was the arched body of a woman, and the gods stood around the horizon. They didn't look like the gods that had been painted on the walls for thousands of years. They looked worse. They looked older than Time. After all, the gods hardly ever meddled in the affairs of men. But other things were proverbial for it.
196'What can I do? I'm only human,' he said aloud.
197Someone said, Not all of you.
198Teppic awoke, to the screaming of seagulls.
199Alfonz, who was wearing a long-sleeved shirt and the expression of one who never means to take it off again, ever, was helping several other men unfurl one of Unnamed's sails. He looked down at Teppic in his bed of rope and gave him a nod.
200They were moving. Teppic sat up, and saw the dock-side of Ephebe slipping silently away in the grey morning light.
201He stood up unsteadily, groaned, clutched at his head, took a run and dived over the rail.
202Heme Krona, owner of the Camels-R-Us livery stable, walked slowly around You Bastard, humming. He examined the camel's knees. He gave one of its feet an experimental kick. In a swift movement that took You Bastard completely by surprise he jerked open the beast's mouth and examined his great yellow teeth, and then jumped away.
203He took a plank of wood from a heap in the corner, dipped a brush in a pot of black paint, and after a moment's thought carefully wrote, ONE OWNER.
204After some further consideration he added, LO MILEAGE. He was just brushing in GOOD RUNER when Teppic staggered in and leaned, panting, against the doorframe. Pools of water formed around his feet.
205'I've come for my camel,' he said.
206Krona sighed.
207'Last night you said you'd be back in an hour,' he said. 'I'm going to have to charge you for a whole day's livery, right? Plus I gave him a rub down and did his feet, the full service. That'll be five cercs, okay emir?'
208'Ah.' Teppic patted his pocket.
209'Look,' he said. 'I left home in a bit of a hurry, you see. I don't seem to have any cash on me.'
210'Fair enough, emir.' Krona turned back to his board. 'How do you spell YEARS WARENTY?'
211'I will definitely have the money sent to you,' said Teppic. Krona gave him the withering smile of one who has seen it all - asses with bodywork re-haired, elephants with plaster tusks, camels with false humps glued on - and knows the festering depths of the human soul when it gets down to business.
212'Pull the other one, rajah,' he said. 'It has got bells on.'
213Teppic fumbled in his tunic.
214'I could give you this valuable knife,' he said.
215Krona gave it a passing glance, and sniffed.
216'Sorry, emir. No can do. No pay, no camel.'
217'I could give it to you point first,' said Teppic desperately, knowing that the mere threat would get him expelled from the Guild. He was also aware that as a threat it wasn't very good. Threats weren't on the syllabus at the Guild school.
218Whereas Krona had, sitting on straw bales at the back of the stables, a couple of large men who were just beginning to take an interest in the proceedings. They looked like Alfonz's older brothers.
219Every vehicle depot of any description anywhere in the multiverse has them. They're never exactly grooms or mechanics or customers or staff. Their function is always unclear. They chew straws or smoke cigarettes in a surreptitious fashion. If there are such things as newspapers around, they read them, or at least look at the pictures.
220They started to watch Teppic closely. One of them picked up a couple of bricks and began to toss them up and down.
221'You're a young lad, I can see that,' said Krona, kindly. 'You're just starting out in life, emir. You don't want trouble.' He stepped forward.
222You Bastard's huge shaggy head turned to look at him. In the depths of his brain columns of little numbers whirred upwards again.
223'Look, I'm sorry, but I've got to have my camel back,' said Teppic. 'It's life and death!'
224Krona waved a hand at the two extraneous men.
225You Bastard kicked him. You Bastard had very concise ideas about people putting their hands in his mouth. Besides, he'd seen the bricks, and every camel knew what two bricks added up to. It was a good kick, toes well spread, powerful and deceptively slow. It picked Krona up and delivered him neatly into a steaming heap of Augean stable sweepings.
226Teppic ran, kicked away from the wall, grabbed You Bastard's dusty coat and landed heavily on his neck.
227'I'm very sorry,' he said, to such of Krona as was visible. 'I really will have some money sent to you.'
228You Bastard, at this point, was waltzing round and round in a circle. Krona's companions stayed well back as feet like plates whirred through the air.
229Teppic leaned forward and hissed into one madly-waving ear.
230'We're going home,' he said.
231They had chosen the first pyramid at random. The king peered at the cartouche on the door.
232'“Blessed is Queen Far-re-ptah”,' read Dil dutifully, “Ruler of the Skies, Lord of the Djel, Master of-”
233'Grandma Pooney,' said the king. 'She'll do.' He looked at their startled faces. 'That's what I used to call her when I was a little boy. I couldn't pronounce Far-re-ptah, you see. Well, go on then. Stop gawking. Break the door down.'
234Gern hefted the hammer uncertainly.
235'It's a pyramid, master,' he said, appealing to Dil. 'You're not supposed to open them.'
236'What do you suggest, lad? We stick a tableknife in the slot and wiggle it about?' said the king.
237'Do it, Gern,' said Dil. 'It will be all right.'
238Gern shrugged, spat on his hands which were, in fact, quite damp enough with the sweat of terror, and swung.
239'Again,' said the king.
240The great slab boomed as the hammer hit it, but it was granite, and held. A few flakes of mortar floated down, and then the echoes came back, shunting back and forth along the dead avenues of the necropolis.
241'Again.'
242Gern's biceps moved like turtles in grease.
243This time there was an answering boom, such as might be caused by a heavy lid crashing to the ground, far away.
244They stood in silence, listening to a slow shuffling noise from inside the pyramid.
245'Shall I hit it again, sire?' said Gern. They both waved him into silence.
246The shuffling grew closer.
247Then the stone moved. It stuck once or twice, but never the less it moved, slowly, pivoting on one side so that a crack of dark shadow appeared. Dil could just make out a darker shape in the blackness.
248'Yes?' it said.
249'It's me, Grandma,' said the king.
250The shadow stood motionless.
251'What, young Pootle?' it said, suspiciously.
252The king avoided Dil's face.
253'That's right, Grandma. We've come to let you out.'
254'Who're these men?' said the shadow petulantly. 'I've got nothing, young man,' she said to Gern. 'I don't keep any money in the pyramid and you can put that weapon away, it doesn't frighten me.'
255'They're servants, Grandma,' said the king.
256'Have they got any identification?' muttered the old lady.
257'I'm identifying them, Grandma. We've come to let you out.'
258'I was hammering hours,' said the late queen, emerging into the sunlight. She looked exactly like the king, except that the mummy wrappings were greyer and dusty. 'I had to go and have a lie down, come the finish. No-one cares about you when you're dead. Where're we going?'
259'To let the others out,' said the king.
260'Damn good idea.' The old queen lurched into step behind him.
261'So this is the netherworld, is it?' she said. 'Not much of an improvement.' She elbowed Gern sharply. 'You dead too, young man?'
262'No, ma'am,' said Gern, in the shaky brave tones of someone on a tightrope over the chasms of madness.
263'It's not worth it. Be told.'
264'Yes, ma'am.'
265The king shuffled across the ancient pavings to the next pyramid.
266'I know this one,' said the queen. 'It was here in my day. King Ashk-ur-men-tep. Third Empire. What's the hammer for, young man?'
267'Please, ma'am, I have to hammer on the door, ma'am,' said Gern.
268'You don't have to knock. He's always in.'
269'My assistant means to smash the seals, ma'am,' said Dil, anxious to please.
270'Who're you?' the queen demanded.
271'My name is Dil, O queen. Master embalmer.'
272'Oh, you are, are you? I've got some stitching wants seeing to.'
273'It will be an honour and a privilege, O queen,' said Dil.
274'Yes. It will,' she said, and turned creakily to Gern. 'Hammer away, young man!' she said.
275Spurred by this, Gern brought the hammer round in a long, fast arc. It passed in front of Dil's nose making a noise like a partridge and smashed the seal into pieces.
276What emerged, when the dust had settled, was not dressed in the height of fashion. The bandages were brown and mouldering and, Dil noticed with professional concern, already beginning to go at the elbows. When it spoke, it was like the opening of ancient caskets.
277'I woket up,' it said. 'And theyre was noe light. Is thys the netherworld?'
278'It would appear not,' said the queen.
279'Thys is all?'
280'Hardly worth the trouble of dying, was it?' said the queen. The ancient king nodded, but gently, as though he was afraid his head would fall off.
281'Somethyng,' he said, 'must be done.'
282He turned to look at the Great Pyramid, and pointed with what had once been an arm.
283'Who slepes there?' he said.
284'It's mine, actually,' said Teppicymon, lurching forward. 'I don't think we've met, I haven't been interred as yet, my son built it for me. It was against my better judgement, believe me.'
285'It ys a dretful thyng,' said the ancient king. 'I felt its building. Even in the sleep of deathe I felt it. It is big enough to interr the worlde.'
286'I wanted to be buried at sea,' said Teppicymon. 'I hate pyramids.'
287'You do not,' said Ashk-ur-men-tep.
288'Excuse me, but I do,' said the king, politely.
289'But you do not. What you feel nowe is myld dislike. When you have lain in one for a thousand yeares,' said the ancient one, 'then you will begin to know the meaning of hate.'
290Teppicymon shuddered.
291'The sea,' he said. 'That's the place. You just dissolve away.
292They set off towards the next pyramid. Gern led the way, his face a picture, possibly one painted late at night by an artist who got his inspiration on prescription. Dil followed. He held his chest high. He'd always hoped to make his way in the world and here he was now, walking with kings.
293Well. Lurching with kings.
294It was another nice day in the high desert. It was always a nice day, if by nice you meant an air temperature like an oven and sand you could roast chestnuts on.
295You Bastard ran fast, mainly to keep his feet off the ground for as long as possible. For a moment as they staggered up the hills outside the olive-tree'd, field-patchworked oasis around Ephebe, Teppic thought he saw the Unnamed as a tiny speck on the azure sea. But it might have been just a gleam on a wave.
296Then he was over the crest, into a world of yellow and umber. For a while scrubby trees held on against the sand, but the sand won and marched triumphantly onwards, dune after dune.
297The desert was not only hot, it was quiet. There were no birds, none of the susurration of organic creatures busily being alive. At night there might have been the whine of insects, but they were deep under the sand against the scorch of day, and the yellow sky and yellow sand became an anechoic chamber in which You Bastard's breath sounded like a steam-engine.
298Teppic had learned many things since he first went forth from the Old Kingdom, and he was about to learn one more. All authorities agree that when crossing the scorching desert it is a good idea to wear a hat.
299You Bastard settled into the shambling trot that a prime racing camel can keep up for hours.
300After a couple of miles Teppic saw a column of dust behind the next dune. Eventually they came up behind the main body of the Ephebian army, swinging along around half-a-dozen battle elephants, their helmet plumes waving in the oven breeze. They cheered on general principles as Teppic went past.
301Battle elephants! Teppic groaned. Tsort went in for battle elephants, too. Battle elephants were the fashion lately. They weren't much good for anything except trampling on their own troops when they inevitably panicked, so the military minds on both sides had responded by breeding bigger elephants. Elephants were impressive.
302For some reason, many of these elephants were towing great carts full of timber.
303He jogged onwards as the sun wound higher and, and this was unusual, blue and purple dots began to pinwheel gently across the horizon.
304Another strange thing was happening. The camel seemed to be trotting across the sky. Perhaps this had something to do with the ringing noise in his ears.
305Should he stop? But then the camel might fall off.
306It was long past noon when You Bastard staggered into the baking shade of the limestone outcrop which had once marked the edge of the valley, and collapsed very slowly into the sand. Teppic rolled off.
307A detachment of Ephebians were staring across the narrow space towards a very similar number of Tsorteans on the other side. Occasionally, for the look of the thing, one of them waved a spear.
308When Teppic opened his eyes it was to see the fearsome bronze masks of several Ephebian soldiers peering down at him. Their metal mouths were locked in sneers of terrible disdain. Their shining eyebrows were twisted in mortal anger.
309One of them said, 'He's coming round, sarge.'
310A metal face like the anger of the elements came closer, filling Teppic's vision.
311'We've been out without our hat, haven't we, sonny boy,' it said, in a cheery voice that echoed oddly inside the metal. 'In a hurry to get to grips with the enemy, were we?'
312The sky wheeled around Teppic, but a thought bobbed into the frying pan of his mind, seized control of his vocal chords and croaked: 'The camel!'
313'You ought to be put away, treating it like that,' said the sergeant, waggling a finger at him. 'Never seen one in such a state.'
314'Don't let it have a drink!' Teppic sat bolt upright, great gongs clanging and hot, heavy fireworks going off inside his skull. The helmeted heads turned towards one another.
315'Gods, he must have something really terrible against camels,' said one of them. Teppic staggered upright and lurched across the sand to You Bastard, who was trying to work out the complex equation which would allow him to get to his feet. His tongue was hanging out, and he was not feeling well.
316A camel in distress isn't a shy creature. It doesn't hang around in bars, nursing a solitary drink. It doesn't phone up old friends and sob at them. It doesn't mope, or write long soulful poems about Life and how dreadful it is when seen from a bedsitter. It doesn't know what angst is.
317All a camel has got is a pair of industrial-strength lungs and a voice like a herd of donkeys being chainsawed.
318Teppic advanced through the blaring. You Bastard reared his head and turned it this way and that, triangulating. His eyes rolled madly as he did the camel trick of apparently looking at Teppic with his nostrils.
319He spat.
320He tried to spit.
321Teppic grabbed his halter and pulled on it.
322'Come on, you bastard,' he said. 'There's water. You can smell it. All you have to do is work out how to get there!'
323He turned to the assembled soldiers. They were staring at him with expressions of amazement, apart from those who hadn't removed their helmets and who were staring at him with expressions of metallic ferocity.
324Teppic snatched a water skin from one of them, pulled out the stopper and tipped it on to the ground in front of the camel's twitching nose.
325'There's a river here,' he hissed. 'You know where it is, all you've got to do is go there!'
326The soldiers looked around nervously. So did several Tsorteans, who had wandered up to see what was going on.
327You Bastard got to his feet, knees trembling, and started to spin around in a circle. Teppic clung on.
328. . . let d equal 4, thought You Bastard desperately. Let a.d equal 90. Let not-d equal 45 . . .
329'I need a stick!' shouted Teppic, as he was whirled past the sergeant. 'They never understand anything unless you hit them with a stick, it's like punctuation to a camel!'
330'Is a sword any good?'
331'No!'
332The sergeant hesitated, and then passed Teppic his spear. He grabbed it point-end first, fought for balance, and then brought it smartly across the camel's flank, raising a cloud of dust and hair.
333You Bastard stopped. His ears turned like radar aerials. He stared at the rock wall, rolling his eyes. Then, as Teppic grabbed a handful of hair and pulled himself up, the camel started to trot.
334. . . Think fractals . . .
335'Ere, you're going to run straight-' the sergeant began.
336There was silence. It went on for a long time.
337The sergeant shifted uneasily. Then he looked across the rocks to the Tsorteans, and caught the eye of their leader. With the unspoken understanding that is shared by centurions and sergeant-majors everywhere, they walked towards one another along the length of the rocks and stopped by the barely visible crack in the cliff.
338The Tsortean sergeant ran his hand over it.
339'You'd think there'd be some, you know, camel hairs or something,' he said.
340'Or blood,' said the Ephebian.
341'I reckon it's one of them unexplainable phenomena.'
342'Oh. That's all right, then.'
343The two men stared at the stone for a while.
344'Like a mirage,' said the Tsortean, helpfully.
345'One of them things, yes.'
346'I thought I heard a seagull, too.'
347'Daft, isn't it. You don't get them out here.'
348The Tsortean coughed politely, and stared back at his men.
349Then he leaned closer.
350'The rest of your people will be along directly, I expect,' he said.
351The Ephebian stepped a bit closer and when he spoke, it was out of the corner of his mouth while his eyes apparently remained fully occupied by looking at the rocks.
352'That's right,' he said. 'And yours too, may I ask?'
353'Yes. I expect we'll have to massacre you if ours get here first.'
354'Likewise, I shouldn't wonder. Still, can't be helped.'
355'One of those things, really,' agreed the Tsortean. The other man nodded. 'Funny old world, when you come to think about it.'
356'You've put your finger on it, all right.' The sergeant loosened his breastplate a bit, glad to be out of the sun. 'Rations okay on your side?' he said.
357'Oh, you know. Mustn't grumble.'
358'Like us, really.'
359''Cos if you do grumble, they get even worse.'
360'Just like ours. Here, you haven't got any figs on your side, have you? I could just do with a fig.'
361'Sorry.'
362'Just thought I'd ask.'
363'Got plenty of dates, if they're any good to you.'
364'We're okay on dates, thanks.'
365'Sorry.'
366The two men stood awhile, lost in their own thoughts. Then the Ephebian put on his helmet again, and the Tsortean adjusted his belt.
367'Right, then.'
368'Right, then.'
369They squared their shoulders, stuck out their chins, and marched away. A moment later they turned about smartly and, exchanging the merest flicker of an embarrassed grin, headed back to their own sides.
370
371
372
373The Book of 101 Things A Boy Can Do
374Teppic had expected-
375-what?
376Possibly the splat of flesh hitting rock. Possibly, although this was on the very edge of expectation, the sight of the Old Kingdom spread out below him.
377He hadn't expected chilly, damp mists.
378It is now known to science that there are many more dimensions than the classical four. Scientists say that these don't normally impinge on the world because the extra dimensions are very small and curve in on themselves, and that since reality is fractal most of it is tucked inside itself. This means either that the universe is more full of wonders than we can hope to understand or, more probably, that scientists make things up as they go along.
379But the multiverse is full of little dimensionettes, playstreets of creation where creatures of the imagination can romp without being knocked down by serious actuality. Sometimes, as they drift through the holes in reality, they impinge back on this universe, when they give rise to myths, legends and charges of being Drunk and Disorderly.
380And it was into one of these that You Bastard, by a trivial miscalculation, had trotted.
381Legend had got it nearly right. The Sphinx did lurk on the borders of the kingdom. The legend just hadn't been precise about what kind of borders it was talking about.
382The Sphinx is an unreal creature. It exists solely because it has been imagined. It is well-known that in an infinite universe everything that can be imagined must exist somewhere, and since many of them are not things that ought to exist in a well-ordered space-time frame they get shoved into a side dimension. This may go some way to explaining the Sphinx's chronic bad temper, although any creature created with the body of a lion, bosom of a woman and wings of an eagle has a serious identity crisis and doesn't need much to make it angry.
383So it had devised the Riddle.
384Across various dimensions it had provided the Sphinx with considerable entertainment and innumerable meals.
385This was not known to Teppic as he led You Bastard through the swirling mists, but the bones he crunched underfoot gave him enough essential detail.
386A lot of people had died here. And it was reasonable to assume that the more recent ones had seen the remains of the earlier ones, and would therefore have proceeded stealthily. And that hadn't worked.
387No sense in creeping along, then. Besides, some of the rocks that loomed out of the mists had a very distressing shape. This one here, for example, looked exactly like-
388'Halt,' said the Sphinx.
389There was no sound but the drip of the mist and the occasional sucking noise of You Bastard trying to extract moisture from the air.
390'You're a sphinx,' said Teppic.
391'The Sphinx,' corrected the Sphinx.
392'Gosh. We've got any amount of statues to you at home.' Teppic looked up, and then further up. 'I thought you'd be smaller,' he added.
393'Cower, mortal,' said the Sphinx. 'For thou art in the presence of the wise and the terrible.' It blinked. 'Any good, these statues?'
394'They don't do you justice,' said Teppic, truthfully.
395'Do you really think so? People often get the nose wrong,' said the Sphinx. 'My right profile is best, I'm told, and-' It dawned on the Sphinx that it was sidetracking itself. It coughed sternly.
396'Before you can pass me, O mortal,' it said, 'you must answer my riddle.'
397'Why?' said Teppic.
398'What?' The Sphinx blinked at him. It hadn't been designed for this sort of thing.
399'Why? Why? Because. Er. Because, hang on, yes, because I will bite your head off if you don't. Yes, I think that's it.'
400'Right,' said Teppic. 'Let's hear it, then.'
401The Sphinx cleared its throat with a noise like an empty lorry reversing in a quarry.
402'What goes on four legs in the morning, two legs at noon, and three legs in the evening?' said the Sphinx smugly.
403Teppic considered this.
404'That's a tough one,' he said, eventually.
405'The toughest,' said the Sphinx.
406'Um.'
407'You'll never get it.'
408'Ah,' said Teppic.
409'Could you take your clothes off while you're thinking? The threads play merry hell with my teeth.'
410'There isn't some kind of animal that regrows legs that have been-'
411'Entirely the wrong track,' said the Sphinx, stretching its claws.
412'Oh.'
413'You haven't got the faintest idea, have you?'
414'I'm still thinking,' said Teppic.
415'You'll never get it.'
416'You're right.' Teppic stared at the claws. This isn't really a fighting animal, he told himself reassuringly, it's definitely over-endowed. Besides, its bosom will get in the way, even if its brain doesn't.
417'The answer is: “A Man”,' said the Sphinx. 'Now, don't put up a fight, please, it releases unpleasant chemicals into the bloodstream.'
418Teppic backed away from a slashing paw. 'Hold on, hold on,' he said. 'What do you mean, a man?'
419'It's easy,' said the Sphinx. 'A baby crawls in the morning, stands on both legs at noon, and at evening an old man walks with a stick. Good, isn't it?'
420Teppic bit his lip. 'We're talking about one day here?' he said doubtfully.
421There was a long, embarrassing silence.
422'It's a wossname, a figure of speech,' said the Sphinx irritably, making another lunge.
423'No, no, look, wait a minute,' said Teppic. 'I'd like us to be very clear about this, right? I mean, it's only fair, right?'
424'Nothing wrong with the riddle,' said the Sphinx. 'Damn good riddle. Had that riddle for fifty years, sphinx and cub.' It thought about this. 'Chick,' it corrected.
425'It's a good riddle,' Teppic said soothingly. 'Very deep. Very moving. The whole human condition in a nutshell. But you've got to admit, this doesn't all happen to one individual in one day, does it?'
426'Well. No,' the Sphinx admitted. 'But that is self-evident from the context. An element of dramatic analogy is present in all riddles,' it added, with the air of one who had heard the phrase a long time ago and rather liked it, although not to the extent of failing to eat the originator.
427'Yes, but,' said Teppic crouching down and brushing a clear space on the damp sand, 'is there internal consistency within the metaphor? Let's say for example that the average life expectancy is seventy years, okay?'
428'Okay,' said the Sphinx, in the uncertain tones of someone who has let the salesman in and is now regretfully contemplating a future in which they are undoubtedly going to buy life insurance.
429'Right. Good. So noon would be age 35, am I right? Now considering that most children can toddle at a year or so, the four legs reference is really unsuitable, wouldn't you agree? I mean, most of the morning is spent on two legs. According to your analogy' he paused and did a few calculations with a convenient thighbone- 'only about twenty minutes immediately after 00.00 hours, half an hour tops, is spent on four legs. Am I right? Be fair.'
430'Well-' said the Sphinx.
431'By the same token you wouldn't be using a stick by six p.m. because you'd be only, er, 52,' said Teppic, scribbling furiously. 'In fact you wouldn't really be looking at any kind of walking aid until at least half past nine, I think. That's on the assumption that the entire lifespan takes place over one day which is, I believe I have already pointed out, ridiculous. I'm sorry, it's basically okay, but it doesn't work.'
432'Well,' said the Sphinx, but irritably this time, 'I don't see what I can do about it. I haven't got any more. It's the only one I've ever needed.'
433'You just need to alter it a bit, that's all.'
434'How do you mean?'
435'Just make it a bit more realistic.'
436'Hmm.' The Sphinx scratched its mane with a claw.
437'Okay,' it said doubtfully. 'I suppose I could ask: What is it that walks on four legs'
438'Metaphorically speaking,' said Teppic.
439'Four legs, metaphorically speaking,' the Sphinx agreed, 'for about-'
440'Twenty minutes, I think we agreed.'
441'Okay, fine, twenty minutes in the morning, on two legs'
442'But I think calling it in “the morning” is stretching it a bit,' said Teppic. 'It's just after midnight. I mean, technically it's the morning, but in a very real sense it's still last night, what do you think?'
443A look of glazed panic crossed the Sphinx's face.
444'What do you think?' it managed.
445'Let's just see where we've got to, shall we? What, metaphorically speaking, walks on four legs just after midnight, on two legs for most of the day-'
446'Barring accidents,' said the Sphinx, pathetically eager to show that it was making a contribution.
447'Fine, on two legs barring accidents, until at least suppertime, when it walks with three legs-'
448'I've known people use two walking sticks,' said the Sphinx helpfully.
449'Okay. How about: when it continues to walk on two legs or with any prosthetic aids of its choice?'
450The Sphinx gave this some consideration.
451'Ye-ess,' it said gravely. 'That seems to fit all eventualities.'
452'Well?' said Teppic.
453'Well what?' said the Sphinx.
454'Well, what's the answer?'
455The Sphinx gave him a stony look, and then showed its fangs.
456'Oh no,' it said. 'You don't catch me out like that. You think I'm stupid? You've got to tell me the answer.'
457'Oh, blow,' said Teppic.
458'Thought you had me there, didn't you?' said the Sphinx.
459'Sorry.'
460'You thought you could get me all confused, did you?'
461The Sphinx grinned.
462'It was worth a try,' said Teppic.
463'Can't blame you. So what's the answer, then?'
464Teppic scratched his nose.
465'Haven't a clue,' he said. 'Unless, and this is a shot in the dark, you understand, it's: A Man.'
466The Sphinx glared at him.
467'You've been here before, haven't you?' it said accusingly.
468'No.'
469'Then someone's been talking, right?'
470'Who could have talked? Has anyone ever guessed the riddle?' said Teppic.
471'No!'
472'Well, then. They couldn't have talked, could they?'
473The Sphinx's claws scrabbled irritably on its rock.
474'I suppose you'd better move along, then,' it grumbled.
475'Thank you,' said Teppic.
476'I'd be grateful if you didn't tell anyone, please,' added the Sphinx, coldly. 'I wouldn't like to spoil it for other people.'
477Teppic scrambled up a rock and on to You Bastard.
478'Don't you worry about that,' he said, spurring the camel onwards. He couldn't help noticing the way the Sphinx was moving its lips silently, as though trying to work something out.
479You Bastard had gone only twenty yards or so before an enraged bellow erupted behind him. For once he forgot the etiquette that says a camel must be hit with a stick before it does anything. All four feet hit the sand and pushed.
480This time he got it right.
481The priests were going irrational.
482It wasn't that the gods were disobeying them. The gods were ignoring them.
483The gods always had. It took great skill to persuade a Djelibeybi god to obey you, and the priests had to be fast on their toes. For example, if you pushed a rock off a cliff, then a quick request to the gods that it should fall down was certain to be answered. In the same way, the gods ensured that the sun set and the stars came out. Any petition to the gods to see to it that palm trees grew with their roots in the ground and their leaves on top was certain to be graciously accepted. On the whole, any priest who cared about such things could ensure a high rate of success.
484However, it was one thing for the gods to ignore you when they were far off and invisible, and quite another when they were strolling across the landscape. It made you feel such a fool.
485'Why don't they listen?' said the high priest of Teg, the Horse-Headed god of agriculture. He was in tears. Teg had last been seen sitting in a field, pulling up corn and giggling.
486The other high priests were faring no better. Rituals hallowed by time had filled the air in the palace with sweet blue smoke and cooked enough assorted livestock to feed a famine, but the gods were settling in the Old Kingdom as if they owned it, and the people therein were no more than insects.
487And the crowds were still outside. Religion had ruled in the Old Kingdom for the best part of seven thousand years. Behind the eyes of every priest present was a graphic image of what would happen if the people ever thought, for one moment, that it ruled no more.
488'And so, Dios,' said Koomi, 'we turn to you. What would you have us do now?'
489Dios sat on the steps of the throne and stared gloomily at the floor. The gods didn't listen. He knew that. He knew that, of all people. But it had never mattered before. You just went through the motions and came up with an answer. It was the ritual that was important, not the gods. The gods were there to do the duties of a megaphone, because who else would people listen to?
490While he fought to think clearly his hands went through the motions of the Ritual of the Seventh Hour, guided by neural instructions as rigid and unchangeable as crystals.
491'You have tried everything?' he said.
492'Everything that you advised, O Dios,' said Koomi. He waited until most of the priests were watching them and then, in a rather louder voice, continued: 'If the king was here, he would intercede for us.'
493He caught the eye of the priestess of Sarduk. He hadn't discussed things with her; indeed, what was there to discuss? But he had an inkling that there was some fellow, sorry, feeling there. She didn't like Dios very much, but was less in awe of him than were the others.
494'I told you that the king is dead,' said Dios.
495'Yes, we heard you. Yet there seems to be no body, O Dios. Nevertheless, we believe what you tell us, for it is the great Dios that speaks, and we pay no heed to malicious gossip.'
496The priests were silent. Malicious gossip, too? And somebody had already mentioned rumours, hadn't they? Definitely something amiss here.
497'It happened many times in the past,' said the priestess, on - cue. 'When a kingdom was threatened or the river did not rise, the king went to intercede with the gods. Was sent to intercede with the gods.'
498The edge of satisfaction in her voice made it clear that it was a one-way trip.
499Koomi shivered with delight and horror. Oh, yes. Those were the days. Some countries had experimented with the idea of the sacrificial king, long ago. A few years of feasting and ruling, then chop - and make way for a new administration.
500'In a time of crisis, possibly any high-born minister of state would suffice,' she went on.
501Dios looked up, his face mirroring the agony of his tendons.
502'I see,' he said. 'And who would be high priest then?'
503'The gods would choose,' said Koomi.
504'I daresay they would,' said Dios sourly. 'I am in some doubt as to the wisdom of their choice.'
505'The dead can speak to the gods in the netherworld,' said the priestess.
506'But the gods are all here,' said Dios, fighting against the throbbing in his legs, which were insisting that, at this time, they should be walking along the central corridor en route to supervise the Rite of the Under Sky. His body cried out for the solace over the river. And once over the river, never to return . . . but he'd always said that.
507'In the absence of the king the high priest performs his duties. Isn't that right, Dios?' said Koomi.
508It was. It was written. You couldn't rewrite it, once it was written. He'd written it. Long ago.
509Dios hung his head. This was worse than plumbing, this was worse than anything. And yet, and yet. . . to go across the river . . .
510'Very well, then,' he said. 'I have one final request.'
511'Yes?' Koomi's voice had timbre now, it was already a high priest's voice.
512'I wish to be interred in the-' Dios began, and was cut off by a murmur from those priests who could look out across the river. All eyes turned to the distant, inky shore.
513The legions of the kings of Djelibeybi were on the march. They lurched, but they covered the ground quickly. There were platoons, battalions of them. They didn't need Gern's hammer any more.
514'It's the pickle,' said the king, as they watched half-a-dozen ancestors mummyhandle a seal out of its socket. 'It toughens you up.'
515Some of the more ancient were getting over enthusiastic and attacking the pyramids themselves, actually managing to shift blocks higher than they were. The king didn't blame them. How terrible to be dead, and know you were dead, and locked away in the darkness.
516They're never going to get me in one of those things, he vowed.
517At last they came, like a tide, to yet another pyramid. - It was small, low, dark, half-concealed in drifted sands, and the blocks were hardly even masonry; they were no more than roughly squared boulders. It had clearly been built long before the Kingdom got the hang of pyramids. It was barely more than a pile.
518Hacked into the doorseal, angular and deep, were the hieroglyphs of the Kingdom: KHUFT HAD ME MADE. THE FIRST.
519Several ancestors clustered around it.
520'Oh dear,' said the king. 'This might be going too far.'
521'The First,' whispered Dil. 'The First into the Kingdom: No-one here before but hippos and crocodiles. From inside that pyramid seventy centuries look out at us. Older than anything-'
522'Yes, yes, all right,' said Teppicymon. 'No need to get carried away. He was a man, just like all of us.'
523'“AndKhuftthecamelherderlookeduponthevalley. . .”' Dil began.
524'After seven thousand yeares, he wyll be wantyng to look upon yt again,' said Ashk-ur-men-tep bluntly.
525'Even so,' said the king. 'It does seem a bit . .
526'The dead are equal,' said Ashk-ur-men-tep. 'You, younge manne. Calle hym forth.'
527'Who, me?' said Gern. 'But he was the Fir-'
528'Yes, we've been through all that,' said Teppicymon. 'Do it. Everyone's getting impatient. So is he, I expect.'
529Gern rolled his eyes, and hefted the hammer. Just as it was about to hiss down on the seal Dil darted forward, causing Gern to dance wildly across the ground in a groin-straining effort to avoid interring the hammer in his master's head.
530'It's open!' said Dil. 'Look! The seal just swings aside!'
531'Youe meane he iss oute?'
532Teppicymon tottered forward and grabbed the door of the pyramid. It moved quite easily. Then he examined the stone beneath it. Derelict and half-covered though it was, someone had taken care to keep a pathway clear to the pyramid. And the stone was quite worn away, as by the passage of many feet.
533This was not, by the nature of things, the normal state of affairs for a pyramid. The whole point was that once you were in, you were in.
534The mummies examined the worn entrance and creaked at one another in surprise. One of the very ancient ones, who was barely holding himself together, made a noise like deathwatch beetle finally conquering a rotten tree.
535'What'd he say?' said Teppicymon.
536The mummy of Ashk-ur-men-tep translated. 'He saide yt ys Spooky,' he croaked.
537The late king nodded. 'I'm going in to have a look. You two live ones, you come with me.'
538Dil's face fell.
539'Oh, come on, man,' snapped Teppicymon, forcing the door back. 'Look, I'm not frightened. Show a bit of backbone. Everyone else is.'
540'But we'll need some light,' protested Dil.
541The nearest mummies lurched back sharply as Gern timidly took a tinderbox out of his pocket.
542'We'll need something to burn,' said Dil. The mummies shuffled further back, muttering.
543'There's torches in here,' said Teppicymon, his voice slightly muffled. 'And you can keep them away from me, lad.'
544It was a small pyramid, mazeless, without traps, just a stone passage leading upwards. Tremulously, expecting at any moment to see unnamed terrors leap out at them, the embalmers followed the king into a small, square chamber that smelled of sand. The roof was black with soot.
545There was no sarcophagus within, no mummy case, no terror named or nameless. The centre of the floor was occupied by a raised block, with a blanket and a pillow on it.
546Neither of them looked particularly old. It was almost disappointing.
547Gern craned to look around.
548'Quite nice, really,' he said. 'Comfy.'
549'No,' said Dil.
550'Hey, master king, look here,' said Gern, trotting over to one of the walls. 'Look. Someone's been scratching things. Look, all little lines all over the wall.'
551'And this wall,' said the king, 'and the floor. Someone's been counting. Every ten have been crossed through, you see. Someone's been counting things. Lots of things.' He stood back.
552'What things?' said Dil, looking behind him.
553'Very strange,' said the king. He leaned forward. 'You can barely make out the inscriptions underneath.'
554'Can you read it, king?' said Gern, showing what Dil considered to be unnecessary enthusiasm.
555'No. It's one of the really ancient dialects. Can't make out a blessed hieroglyph,' said Teppicymon. 'I shouldn't think there's a single person alive today who can read it.'
556'That's a shame,' said Gern.
557'True enough,' said the king, and sighed. They stood in gloomy silence.
558'So perhaps we could ask one of the dead ones?' said Gern.
559'Er. Gern,' said Dil, backing away.
560The king slapped the apprentice on the back, pitching him forward.
561'Damn clever idea!' he said. 'We'll just go and get one of the real early ancestors. Oh.' He sagged. 'That's no good. No-one will be able to understand them-'
562'Gern!' said Dil, his eyes growing wider.
563'No, it's all right, king,' said Gern, enjoying the new-found freedom of thought, 'because, the reason being, everyone understands someone, all we have to do is sort them out.'
564'Bright lad. Bright lad,' said the king.
565'Gern!'
566They both looked at him in astonishment.
567'You all right, master?' said Gern. 'You've gone all white.'
568'The t-' stuttered Dil, rigid with terror.
569'The what, master?'
570'The t- look at the t-'
571'He ought to have a lie down,' said the king. 'I know his sort. The artistic type. Highly strung.'
572Dil took a deep breath.
573'Look at the sodding torch, Gern!' he shouted.
574They looked.
575Without any fuss, turning its black ashes into dry straw, the torch was burning backwards.
576The Old Kingdom lay stretched out before Teppic, and it was unreal.
577He looked at You Bastard, who had stuck his muzzle in a wayside spring and was making a noise like the last drop in the milkshake glass.[30] You Bastard looked real enough. There's nothing like a camel for looking really solid. But the landscape had an uncertain quality, as if it hadn't quite made up its mind to be there or not.
578Except for the Great Pyramid. It squatted in the middle distance as real as the pin that nails a butterfly to a board. It was contriving to look extremely solid, as though it was sucking all the solidity out of the landscape into itself.
579Well, he was here. Wherever here was.
580How did you kill a pyramid?
581And what would happen if you did?
582He was working on the hypothesis that everything would snap back into place. Into the Old Kingdom's pool of recirculated time.
583He watched the gods for a while, wondering what the hell they were, and how it didn't seem to matter. They looked no more real than the land over which they strode, about incomprehensible errands of their own. The world was no more than a dream. Teppic felt incapable of surprise. If seven fat cows had wandered by, he wouldn't have given them a second glance.
584He remounted You Bastard and rode him, sloshing gently, down the road. The fields on either side had a devastated look.
585The sun was finally sinking; the gods of night and evening were prevailing over the daylight gods, but it had been a long struggle and, when you thought about all the things that would happen to it now - eaten by goddesses, carried on boats under the world, and so on - it was an odds-on chance that it wouldn't be seen again.
586No-one was visible as he rode into the stable yard. You Bastard padded sedately to his stall and pulled delicately at a wisp of hay. He'd thought of something interesting about bivariant distributions.
587Teppic patted him on the flank, raising another cloud, and walked up the wide steps that led to the palace proper. Still there were no guards, no servants. No living soul.
588He slipped into his own palace like a thief in the day, and found his way to Dil's workshop. It was empty, and looked as though a robber with very peculiar tastes had recently been at work in there. The throne room smelled like a kitchen, and by the looks of it the cooks had fled in a hurry.
589The gold mask of the kings of Djelibeybi, slightly buckled out of shape, had rolled into a corner. He picked it up and, on a suspicion, scratched it with one of his knives. The gold peeled away, exposing a silver-grey gleam.
590He'd suspected that. There simply wasn't that much gold around. The mask felt as heavy as lead because, well, it was lead. He wondered if it had ever been all gold, and which ancestor had done it, and how many pyramids it had paid for. It was probably very symbolic of something or other. Perhaps not even symbolic of anything. Just symbolic, all by itself.
591One of the sacred cats was hiding under the throne. It flattened its ears and spat at Teppic as he reached down to pat it. That much hadn't changed, at least.
592Still no people. He padded across to the balcony.
593And there the people were, a great silent mass, staring across the river in the fading, leaden light. As Teppic watched a flotilla of boats and ferries set out from the near bank.
594We ought to have been building bridges, he thought. But we said that would be shackling the river.
595He dropped lightly over the balustrade on to the packed earth and walked down to the crowd.
596And the full force of its belief scythed into him.
597The people of Djelibeybi might have had conflicting ideas about their gods, but their belief in their kings had been unswerving for thousands of years. To Teppic it was like walking into a vat of alcohol. He felt it pouring into him until his fingertips crackled, rising up through his body until it gushed into his brain, bringing not omnipotence but the feeling of omnipotence, the very strong sensation that while he didn't actually know everything, he would do soon and had done once.
598It had been like this back in Ankh, when the divinity had hooked him. But that had been just a flicker. Now it had the solid power of real belief behind it.
599He looked down at a rustling below him, and saw green shoots springing out of the dry sand around his feet.
600Bloody hell, he thought. I really am a god.
601This could be very embarrassing.
602He shouldered his way through the press of people until he reached the riverbank and stood there in a thickening clump of corn. As the crowd caught on, those nearest fell to their knees, and a circle of reverentially collapsing people spread out from Teppic like ripples.
603But I never wanted this! I just wanted to help people live more happily, with plumbing. I wanted something done about rundown inner-city areas. I just wanted to put them at their ease, and ask them how they enjoyed their lives. I thought schools might be a good idea, so they wouldn't fall down and worship someone just because he's got green feet.
604And I wanted to do something about the architecture... As the light drained from the sky like steel going cold the pyramid was somehow even bigger than before. If you had to design something to give the very distinct impression of mass, the pyramid was It. There was a crowd of figures around it, unidentifiable in the grey light.
605Teppic looked around the prostrate crowd until he saw someone in the uniform of the palace guard.
606'You, man, on your feet,' he commanded.
607The man gave him a look of dread, but did stagger sheepishly upright.
608'What's going on here?'
609'O king, who is the lord of-'
610'I don't think we have time,' said Teppic. 'I know who I am, I want to know what's happening.'
611'O king, we saw the dead walking! The priests have gone to talk to them.'
612'The dead walking?'
613'Yes, O king.'
614'We're talking about not-alive people here, are we?'
615'Yes, O king.'
616'Oh. Well, thank you. That was very succinct. Not informative, but succinct. Are there any boats around?'
617'The priests took them all, O king.'
618Teppic could see that this was true. The jetties near the palace were usually thronged with boats, and now they were all empty. As he stared at the water it grew two eyes and a long snout, to remind him that swimming the Djel was as feasible as nailing fog to the wall.
619He stared at the crowd. Every person was watching him expectantly, convinced that he would know what to do next.
620He turned back to the river, extended his hands in front of him, pressed them together and then opened them gently. There was a damp sucking noise, and the waters of the Djel parted in front of him. There was a sigh from the crowd, but their astonishment was nothing to the surprise of a dozen or so crocodiles, who were left trying to swim in ten feet of air.
621Teppic ran down the bank and over the heavy mud, dodging to avoid the tails that slashed wildly at him as the reptiles dropped heavily on to the riverbed.
622The Djel loomed up as two khaki walls, so that he was running along a damp and shadowy alley. Here and there were fragments of bones, old shields, bits of spear, the ribs of boats. He leapt and jinked around the debris of centuries.
623Ahead of him a big bull crocodile propelled itself dreamily out of the wall of water, flailed madly in mid-air, and flopped into the ooze. Teppic trod heavily on its snout and plunged on.
624Behind him a few of the quicker citizens, seeing the dazed creatures below them, began to look for stones. The crocodiles had been undisputed masters of the river since primordial times, but if it was possible to do a little catching-up in the space of a few minutes, it was certainly worth a try.
625The sound of the monsters of the river beginning the long journey to handbaghood broke out behind Teppic as he sloshed up the far bank.
626A line of ancestors stretched across the chamber, down the dark passageway, and out into the sand. It was filled with whispers going in both directions, a dry sound, like the wind blowing through old paper.
627Dil lay on the sand, with Gern flapping a cloth in his face.
628'Wha' they doing?' he murmured.
629'Reading the inscription,' said Gern. 'You ought to see it, master! The one doing the reading, he's practically a-'
630'Yes, yes, all right,' said Dil, struggling up.
631'He's more than six thousand years old! And his grandson's listening to him, and telling his grandson, and he's telling his gra-'
632'Yes, yes, all-'
633'“And Khuft-too-said-Unto-the-First, What-may-We-Give-Unto-You, Who-Has-Taught-Us-the-Right-Ways”,' said Teppicymon[31], who was at the end of the line. '“And-the-First-Spake, and-This-He-Spake, Build-for-Me-a-Pyramid, That-I-May-Rest, and-Build-it-of-These-Dimensions, That-it-Be-Proper. And-Thus-It-Was-Done, and-The-Name-of-the-First-was . . .”'
634But there was no name. It was just a babble of raised voices, arguments, ancient cursewords, spreading along the line of desiccated ancestors like a spark along a powder trail. Until it reached Teppicymon, who exploded.
635The Ephebian sergeant, quietly perspiring in the shade, saw what he had been half expecting and wholly dreading. There was a column of dust on the opposite horizon. The Tsorteans' main force was getting there first.
636He stood up, nodded professionally to his counterpart across the way, and looked at the double handful of men under his command.
637'I need a messenger to take, er, a message back to the city,' he said. A forest of hands shot up. The sergeant sighed, and selected young Autocue, who he knew was missing his mum.
638'Run like the wind,' he said. 'Although I expect you won't need telling, will you? And then . . . and then . .
639He stood with his lips moving silently, while the sun scoured the rocks of the hot, narrow pass and a few insects buzzed in the scrub bushes. His education hadn't included a course in Famous Last Words.
640He raised his eyes in the direction of home.
641'Go, tell the Ephebians-' he began.
642The soldiers waited.
643'What?' said Autocue after a while. 'Go and tell them what?'
644The sergeant relaxed, like air being let out of a balloon.
645'Go and tell them, what kept you?' he said. On the near horizon another column of dust was advancing.
646This was more like it. If there was going to be a massacre, then it ought to be shared by both sides.
647The city of the dead lay before Teppic. After Ankh-Morpork, which was almost its direct opposite (in Ankh, even the bedding was alive) it was probably the biggest city on the Disc; its streets were the finest, its architecture the most majestic and awe-inspiring.
648In population terms the necropolis outstripped the other cities of the Old Kingdom, but its people didn't get out much and there was nothing to do on Saturday nights.
649Until now.
650Now it thronged:
651Teppic watched from the top of a wind-etched obelisk as the grey and brown, and here and there somewhat greenish, armies of the departed passed beneath him. The kings had been democratic. After the pyramids had been emptied gangs of them had turned their attention to the lesser tombs, and now the necropolis really did have its tradesmen, its nobles and even its artisans. Not that there was, by and large, any way of telling the difference.
652They were, to a corpse, heading for the Great Pyramid. It loomed like a carbuncle over the lesser, older buildings. And they all seemed very angry about something.
653Teppic dropped lightly on to the wide flat roof of a mastaba, jogged to its far end, cleared the gap on to an ornamental sphinx - not without a moment's worry, but this one seemed inert enough - and from there it was but the throw of a grapnel to one of the lower storeys of a step pyramid. The long light of the contentious sun lanced across the spent landscape as he leapt from monument to monument, zig-zagging high above the shuffling army.
654Behind him shoots appeared briefly in the ancient stone, cracking it a little, and then withered and died.
655This, said his blood as it tingled around his body, is what you trained for. Even Mericet couldn't mark you down for this. Speeding in the shadows above a silent city, running like a cat, finding handholds that would have perplexed a gecko - and, at the destination, a victim.
656True, it was a billion tons of pyramid, and hitherto the largest client of an inhumation had been Patricio, the 23-stone Despot of Quirm.
657A monumental needle recording in bas-relief the achievements of a king four thousand years ago, and which would have been more pertinent if the wind-driven sand hadn't long ago eroded his name, provided a handy ladder which needed only an expertly thrown grapnel from its top, lodging in the outstretched fingers of a forgotten monarch, to allow him a long, gentle arc on to the roof of a tomb.
658Running, climbing and swinging, hastily hammering crampons in the memorials of the dead, Teppic went forth.
659Pinpoints of firelight among the limestone pricked out the lines of the opposing armies. Deep and stylised though the enmity was between the two empires, they both abided by the ancient tradition that warfare wasn't undertaken at night, during harvest or when wet. It was important enough to save up for special occasions. Going at it hammer and tongs just reduced the whole thing to a farce.
660In the twilight on both sides of the line came the busy sound of advanced woodwork in progress.
661It's said that generals are always ready to fight the last War over again. It had been thousands of years since the last war between Tsort and Ephebe, but generals have long memories and this time they were ready for it.
662On both sides of the line, wooden horses were taking shape.
663'It's gone,' said Ptaclusp IIb, slithering back down the pile of rubble.
664'About time, too,' said his father. 'Help me fold up your brother. You're sure it won't hurt him?'
665'Well, if we do it carefully he can't move in Time, that is, width to us. So if no time can pass for him, nothing can hurt him.'
666Ptaclusp thought of the old days, when pyramid building had simply consisted of piling one block on another and all you needed to remember was that you put less on top as you went up. And now it meant trying to put a crease in one of your sons.
667'Right,' he said doubtfully. 'Let's be off, then.' He inched his way up the debris and poked his head over the top just as the vanguard of the dead came round the corner of the nearest minor pyramid.
668His first thought was: this is it, they're coming to complain. He'd done his best. It wasn't always easy to build to a budget. Maybe not every lintel was exactly as per drawings, perhaps the quality of the internal plasterwork wasn't always up to snuff, but . . .
669They can't all be complaining. Not this many of them.
670Ptaclusp IIb climbed up alongside him. His mouth dropped open.
671'Where are they all coming from?' he said.
672'You're the expert. You tell me.
673'Are they dead?'
674Ptaclusp scrutinised some of the approaching marchers.
675'If they're not, some of them are awfully ill,' he said.
676'Let's make a run for it!'
677'Where to? Up the pyramid?'
678The Great Pyramid loomed up behind them, its throbbing filling the air. Ptaclusp stared at it.
679'What's going to happen tonight?' he said.
680'What?'
681'Well, is it going to - do whatever it did - again?'
682IIb stared at him. 'Dunno.'
683'Can you find out?'
684'Only by waiting. I'm not even sure what it's done now.
685'Are we going to like it?'
686'I shouldn't think so, dad. Oh, dear.'
687'What's up now?'
688'Look over there.'
689Heading towards the marching dead, trailing behind Koomi like a tail behind a comet, were the priests.
690It was hot and dark inside the horse. It was also very crowded.
691They waited, sweating.
692Young Autocue stuttered: 'What'll happen now, sergeant?'
693The sergeant moved a foot tentatively. The atmosphere would have induced claustrophobia in a sardine.
694'Well, lad. They'll find us, see, and be so impressed they'll drag us all the way back to their city, and then when it's dark we'll leap out and put them to the sword. Or put the sword to them. One or the other. And then we'll sack the city, bum the walls and sow the ground with salt. You remember, lad, I showed you on Friday.'
695'Oh.'
696Moisture dripped from a score of brows. Several of the men were trying to compose a letter home, dragging styli across wax that was close to melting.
697'And then what will happen, sergeant?'
698'Why, lad, then we'll go home heroes.'
699'Oh.'
700The older soldiers sat stolidly looking at the wooden walls. Autocue shifted uneasily, still worried about something.
701'My mum said to come back with my shield or on it, sergeant,' he said.
702'Jolly good, lad. That's the spirit.'
703'We will be all right, though. Won't we, sergeant?'
704The sergeant stared into the fetid darkness.
705After a while, someone started to play the harmonica.
706Ptaclusp half-turned his head from the scene and a voice by his ear said, 'You're the pyramid builder, aren't you?'
707Another figure had joined them in their bolthole, one who was black-clad and moved in a way that made a cat's tread sound like a one-man band.
708Ptaclusp nodded, unable to speak. He had had enough shocks for one day.
709'Well, switch it off. Switch it off now.'
710IIb leaned over.
711'Who're you?' he said.
712'My name is Teppic.'
713'What, like the king?'
714'Yes. Just like the king. Now turn it off.'
715'It's a pyramid! You can't turn off pyramids!' said IIb.
716'Well, then, make it flare.'
717'We tried that last night.' IIb pointed to the shattered capstone. 'Unroll Two-Ay, dad.'
718Teppic regarded the flat brother.
719'It's some sort of wall poster, is it?' he said eventually.
720IIb looked down. Teppic saw the movement, and looked down also; he was ankle-deep in green sprouts.
721'Sorry,' he said. 'I can't seem to shake it off.'
722'It can be dreadful,' said IIb frantically. 'I know how it is, I had this verruca once, nothing would shift it.'
723Teppic hunkered down by the cracked stone.
724'This thing,' he said. 'What's the significance? I mean, it's coated with metal. Why?'
725'There's got to be a sharp point for the flare,' said IIb.
726'Is that all? This is gold, isn't it?'
727'It's electrum. Gold and silver alloy. The capstone has got to be made of electrum.'
728Teppic peeled back the foil.
729'This isn't all metal,' he said mildly.
730'Yes. Well,' said Ptaclusp. 'We found, er, that foil works just as well.'
731'Couldn't you use something cheaper? Like steel?' Ptaclusp sneered. It hadn't been a good day, sanity was a distant memory, but there were certain facts he knew for a fact.
732'Wouldn't last for more than a year or two,' he said. 'What with the dew and so forth. You'd lose the point. Wouldn't last more than two or three hundred times.'
733Teppic leaned his head against the pyramid. It was cold, and it hummed. He thought he could hear, under the throbbing, a faint rising tone.
734The pyramid towered over him. (IIb could have told him that this was because the walls sloped in at precisely 56 degrees, and an effect known as battering made the pyramid loom even higher than it really was. He probably would have used words like perspective and virtual height as well.
735The black marble was glassy smooth. The masons had done well. The cracks between each silky panel were hardly wide enough to insert a knife. But wide enough, all the same.
736'How about once?' he said.
737Koomi chewed his fingernails distractedly.
738'Fire,' he said. 'That'd stop them. They're very inflammable. Or water. They'd probably dissolve.'
739'Some of them were destroying pyramids,' said the high priest of Juf, the Cobra-Headed God of Papyrus.
740'People always come back from the dead in such a bad temper,' said another priest.
741Koomi watched the approaching army in mounting bewilderment.
742'Where's Dios?' he said.
743The old high priest was pushed to the front of the crowd.
744'What shall I say to them?' Koomi demanded.
745It would be wrong to say that Dios smiled. It wasn't an action he often felt called upon to perform. But his mouth creased at the edges and his eyes went half-hooded.
746'You could tell them,' he said, 'that new times demand new men. You could tell them that it is time to make way for younger people with fresh ideas. You could tell them that they are outmoded. You could tell them all that.'
747'They'll kill me!'
748'Would they be that anxious for your eternal company, I wonder?'
749'You're still high priest!'
750'Why don't you talk to them?' said Dios. 'Don't forget to tell them that they are to be dragged kicking and screaming into the Century of the Cobra.' He handed Koomi the staff. 'Or whatever this century is called,' he added.
751Koomi felt the eyes of the assembled brethren and sistren upon him. He cleared his throat, adjusted his robe, and turned to face the mummies.
752They were chanting something, one word, over and over again. He couldn't quite make it out, but it seemed to have worked them up into a rage.
753He raised the staff, and the carved wooden snakes looked unusually alive in the flat light.
754The gods of the Disc - and here is meant the great consensus gods, who really do exist in Dunmanifestin, their semi-detached Valhalla on the world's impossibly high central mountain, where they pass the time observing the petty antics of mortal men and organising petitions about how the influx of the Ice Giants has lowered property values in the celestial regions - the gods of Disc have always been fascinated by humanity's incredible ability to say exactly the wrong thing at the wrong time.
755They're not talking here of such easy errors as 'It's perfectly safe', or 'The ones that growl a lot don't bite', but of simple little sentences which are injected into difficult situations with the same general effect as a steel bar dropped into the bearings of a 3,000 rpm, 660 megawatt steam turbine.
756And connoisseurs of mankind's tendency to put his pedal extremity where his tongue should be are agreed that when the judges' envelopes are opened then Hoot Koomi's fine performance in 'Begone from this place, foul shades' will be a contender for all-time bloody stupid greeting.
757The front row of ancestors halted, and were pushed forward a little by the press of those behind.
758King Teppicymon XXVII, who by common consent among the other twenty-six Teppicymons was spokesman, lurched on alone and picked up the trembling Koomi by his arms.
759'What did you say?' he said.
760Koomi's eyes rolled. His mouth opened and shut, but his voice wisely decided not to come out.
761Teppicymon pushed his bandaged face close to the priest's pointed nose.
762'I remember you,' he growled. 'I've seen you oiling around the place. A bad hat, if ever I saw one. I remember thinking that.'
763He glared around at the others.
764'You're all priests, aren't you? Come to say sorry, have you? Where's Dios?'
765The ancestors pressed forward, muttering. When you've been dead for hundreds of years, you're not inclined to feel generous to those people who assured you that you were going to have a lovely time. There was a scuffle in the middle of the crowd as King Psam-nut-kha, who had spent five thousand years with nothing to look at but the inside of a lid, was restrained by younger colleagues.
766Teppicymon switched his attention back to Koomi, who hadn't gone anywhere.
767'Foul shades, was it?' he said.
768'Er,' said Koomi.
769'Put him down.' Dios gently took the staff from Koomi's unresisting fingers and said, 'I am Dios, the high priest. Why are you here?'
770It was a perfectly calm and reasonable voice, with overtones of concerned but indubitable authority. It was a tone of voice the pharaohs of Djelibeybi had heard for thousands of years, a voice which had regulated the days, prescribed the rituals, cut the time into carefully-turned segments, interpreted the ways of gods to men. It was the sound of authority, which stirred antique memories among the ancestors and caused them to look embarrassed and shuffle their feet.
771One of the younger pharaohs lurched forward.
772'You bastard,' he croaked. 'You laid us out and shut us away, one by one, and you went on. People thought the name was passed on but it was always you. How old are you, Dios?'
773There was no sound. No-one moved. A breeze stirred the dust a little.
774Dios sighed.
775'I did not mean to,' he said. 'There was so much to do. There were never enough hours in the day. Truly, I did not realise what was happening. I thought it was refreshing, nothing more, I suspected nothing. I noted the passing of the rituals, not the years.'
776'Come from a long-lived family, do you?' said Teppicymon sarcastically.
777Dios stared at him, his lips moving. 'Family,' he said at last, his voice softened from its normal bark. 'Family. Yes. I must have had a family, mustn't I. But, you know, I can't remember. Memory is the first thing that goes. The pyramids don't seem to preserve it, strangely.'
778'This is Dios, the footnote-keeper of history?' said Teppicymon.
779'Ah.' The high priest smiled. 'Memory goes from the head. But it is all around me. Every scroll and book.'
780'That's the history of the kingdom, man!'
781'Yes. My memory.'
782The king relaxed a little. Sheer horrified fascination was unravelling the knot of fury.
783'How old are you?' he said.
784'I think... seven thousand years. But sometimes it seems much longer.'
785'Really seven thousand years?'
786'Yes,' said Dios.
787'How could any man stand it?' said the king.
788Dios shrugged.
789'Seven thousand years is just one day at a time,' he said. Slowly, with the occasional wince, he got down on one knee and held up his staff in shaking hands.
790'O kings,' he said, 'I have always existed only to serve.'
791There was a long, extremely embarrassed pause.
792'We will destroy the pyramids,' said Far-re-ptah, pushing forward.
793'You will destroy the kingdom,' said Dios. 'I cannot allow it.'
794'You cannot allow it?'
795'Yes. What will we be without the pyramids?' said Dios.
796'Speaking for the dead,' said Far-re-ptah, 'we will be free.'
797'But the kingdom will be just another small country,' said Dios, and to their horror the ancestors saw tears in his eyes.
798'All that we hold dear, you will cast adrift in time. Uncertain. Without guidance. Changeable.'
799'Then it can take its chances,' said Teppicymon. 'Stand aside, Dios.'
800Dios held up his staff. The snake around it uncoiled and hissed at the king.
801'Be still,' said Dios.
802Dark lightning crackled between the ancestors. Dios stared at the staff in astonishment; it had never done this before.
803But seven thousand years of his priests had believed, in their hearts, that the staff of Dios could rule this world and the next.
804In the sudden silence there was the faint chink, high up, of a knife being wedged between two black marble slabs.
805The pyramid pulsed under Teppic, and the marble was as slippery as ice. The inward slope wasn't the help he had expected.
806The thing, he told himself, is not to look up or down, but straight ahead, into the marble, parcelling the impossible height into manageable sections. Just like time. That's how we survive infinity - we kill it by breaking it up into small bits.
807He was aware of shouts below him, and glanced briefly over his shoulder. He was barely a third of the way up, but he could see the crowds across the river, a grey mass speckled with the pale blobs of upturned faces. Closer to, the pale army of the dead, facing the small grey group of priests, with Dios in front of them. There was some sort of argument going on.
808The sun was on the horizon.
809He reached up, located the next crack, found a handhold.
810Dios spotted Ptaclusp's head peering over the debris, and sent a couple of priests to bring him back. IIb followed, his carefully folded brother under his arm.
811'What is the boy doing?' Dios demanded.
812'O Dios, he said he was going to flare off the pyramid,' said Ptaclusp.
813'How can he do that?'
814'O lord, he says he is going to cap it off before the sun sets.'
815'Is it possible?' Dios demanded, turning to the architect. IIb hesitated.
816'It may be,' he said.
817'And what will happen? Will we return to the world outside?'
818'Well, it depends on whether the dimensional effect ratchets, as it were, and is stable in each state, or if, on the contrary, the pyramid is acting as a piece of rubber under tension-'
819His voice stuttered to a halt under the intensity of Dios's stare.
820'I don't know,' he admitted.
821'Back to the world outside,' said Dios. 'Not our world. Our world is the Valley. Ours is a world of order. Men need order.'
822He raised his staff.
823'That's my son!' shouted Teppicymon. 'Don't you dare try anything! That's the king!'
824The ranks of ancestors swayed, but couldn't break the spell.
825'Er, Dios,' said Koomi.
826Dios turned, his eyebrows raised.
827'You spoke?' he said.
828'Er, if it is the king, er I - that is, we - think perhaps you should let him get on with it. Er, don't you think that would be a really good idea?'
829Dios's staff kicked, and the priests felt the cold bands of restraint freeze their limbs.
830'I gave my life for the kingdom,' said the high priest. 'I gave it over and over again. Everything it is, I created. I cannot fail it now.'
831And then he saw the gods.
832Teppic eased himself up another couple of feet and then gently reached down to pull a knife out of the marble. It wasn't going to work, though. Knife climbing was for those short and awkward passages, and frowned on anyway because it suggested you'd chosen a wrong route. It wasn't for this sort of thing, unless you had unlimited knives.
833He glanced over his shoulder again as strange barred shadows flickered across the face of the pyramid.
834From out of the sunset, where they had been engaged in their eternal squabbling, the gods were returning.
835They staggered and lurched across the fields and reed beds, heading for the pyramid. Near-brainless though they were, they understood what it was. Perhaps they even understood what Teppic was trying to do. Their assorted animal faces made it hard to be certain, but it looked as though they were very angry.
836'Are you going to control them, Dios?' said the king. 'Are you going to tell them that the world should be changeless?'
837Dios stared up at the creatures jostling one another as they waded the river. There were too many teeth, too many lolling tongues. The bits of them that were human were sloughing away. A lion-headed god of justice - Put, Dios recalled the name - was using its scales as a flail to beat one of the river gods. Chefet, the Dog-Headed God of metalwork, was growling and attacking his fellows at random with his hammer; this was Chefet, Dios thought, the god that he had created to be an example to men in the art of wire and filigree and small beauty.
838Yet it had worked. He'd taken a desert rabble and shown them all he could remember of the arts of civilisation and the secrets of the pyramids. He'd needed gods then.
839The trouble with gods is that after enough people start believing in them, they begin to exist. And what begins to exist isn't what was originally intended.
840Chefet, Chefet, thought Dios. Maker of rings, weaver of metal. Now he's out of our heads, and see how his nails grow into claws . . .
841This is not how I imagined him.
842'Stop,' he instructed. 'I order you to stop! You will obey me. I made you!'
843They also lack gratitude.
844King Teppicymon felt the power around him weaken as Dios turned all his attention to ecclesiastical matters. He saw the tiny shape halfway up the wall of the pyramid, saw it falter.
845The rest of the ancestors saw it, too, and as one corpse they knew what to do. Dios could wait.
846This was family.
847Teppic heard the snap of the handle under his foot, slid a little, and hung by one hand. He'd got another knife in above him but . . . no, no good. He hadn't got the reach. For practical purposes his arms felt like short lengths of wet rope. Now, if he spreadeagled himself as he slid, he might be able to slow enough .
848He looked down and saw the climbers coming towards him, in a tide that was tumbling upwards.
849The ancestors rose up the face of the pyramid silently, like creepers, each new row settling into position on the shoulders of the generation beneath, while the younger ones climbed on over them. Bony hands grabbed Teppic as the wave of edificeers broke around him, and he was half-pushed, half-pulled up the sloping wall. Voices like the creak of sarcophagi filled his ears, moaning encouragement.
850'Well done, boy,' groaned a crumbling mummy, hauling him bodily on to its shoulder. 'You remind me of me when I was alive. To you, son.'
851'Got him,' said the corpse above, lifting Teppic easily on one outstretched arm. 'That's a fine family spirit, lad. Best wishes from your great-great-great-great uncle, although I don't suppose you remember me. Coming up.
852Other ancestors were climbing on past Teppic as he rose from hand to hand. Ancient fingers with a grip like steel clutched at him, hoisting him onwards.
853The pyramid grew narrower.
854Down below, Ptaclusp watched thoughtfully.
855'What a workforce,' he said. 'I mean, the ones at the bottom are supporting the whole weight!'
856'Dad,' said IIb. 'I think we'd better run. Those gods are getting closer.'
857'Do you think we could employ them?' said Ptaclusp, ignoring him. 'They're dead, they probably won't want high wages, and-'
858'Dad!'
859'Sort of self-build-'
860'You said no more pyramids, dad. Never again, you said. Now come on!'
861Teppic scrambled to the top of the pyramid, supported by the last two ancestors. One of them was his father.
862'I don't think you've met your great-grandma,' he said, indicating the shorter bandaged figure, who nodded gently at Teppic. He opened his mouth.
863'There's no time,' she said. 'You're doing fine.'
864He glanced at the sun which, old professional that it was, chose that moment to drop below the horizon. The gods had crossed the river, their progress slowed only by their tendency to push and shove among themselves, and were lurching through the buildings of the necropolis. Several were clustered around the spot where Dios had been.
865The ancestors dropped away, sliding back down the pyramid as fast as they had climbed it, leaving Teppic alone on a few square feet of rock.
866A couple of stars came out.
867He saw white shapes below as the ancestors hurried away on some private errand of their own, lurching at a surprising speed towards the broad band of the river.
868The gods abandoned their interest in Dios, this strange little human with the stick and the cracked voice. The nearest god, a crocodile-headed thing, jerked on to the plaza before the pyramid, squinted up at Teppic, and reached out towards him. Teppic fumbled for a knife, wondering what sort was appropriate for gods .
869And, along the Djel, the pyramids began to flare their meagre store of hoarded time.
870Priests and ancestors fled as the ground began to shake. Even the gods looked bewildered.
871IIb snatched his father's arm and dragged him away.
872'Come on!' he yelled into his ear. 'We can't be around here when it goes off! Otherwise you'll be put to bed on a coathanger!'
873Around them several other pyramids struck their flares, thin and reedy affairs that were barely visible in the afterglow.
874'Dad! I said we've got to go!'
875Ptaclusp was dragged backwards across the flagstones, still staring at the hulking outline of the Great Pyramid.
876'There's someone still there, look,' he said, and pointed to a figure alone on the plaza.
877IIb peered into the gloom.
878'It's only Dios, the high priest,' he said. 'I expect he's got some plan in mind, best not to meddle in the affairs of priests, now will you come on.'
879The crocodile-headed god turned its snout back and forth, trying to focus on Teppic without the advantage of binocular vision. This close, its body was slightly transparent, as though someone had sketched in all the lines and got bored before it was time to do the shading. It trod on a small tomb, crushing it to powder.
880A hand like a cluster of canoes with claws on hovered over Teppic. The pyramid trembled and the stone under his feet felt warm, but it resolutely forbore from any signs of wanting to flare.
881The hand descended. Teppic sank on one knee and, out of desperation, raised the knife over his head in both hands.
882The light glinted for a moment off the tip of the blade and then the Great Pyramid flared.
883It did it in absolute silence to begin with, sending up a spire of eye-torturing flame that turned the whole kingdom into a criss-cross of black shadow and white light, a flame that might have turned any watchers not just into a pillar of salt but into a complete condiment set of their choice. It exploded like an unwound dandelion, silent as starlight, searing as a supernova.
884Only after it had been bathing the necropolis in its impossible brilliance for several seconds did the sound come, and it was sound that winds itself up through the bones, creeps into every cell of the body, and tries with some success to turn them inside out. It was too loud to be called noise. There is sound so loud that it prevents itself from being heard, and this was that kind of sound.
885Eventually it condescended to drop out of the cosmic scale and became, simply, the loudest noise anyone hearing it had ever experienced.
886The noise stopped, filling the air with the dark metallic clang of sudden silence. The light went out, lancing the night with blue and purple afterimages. It was not the silence and darkness of conclusion but of pause, like the moment of equilibrium when a thrown ball runs out of acceleration but has yet to have gravity drawn to its attention and, for a brief moment, thinks that the worst is over.
887This time it was heralded by a shrill whistling out of the clear sky and a swirl in the air that became a glow, became a flame, became a flare that sizzled downwards into the pyramid, punching into the mass of black marble. Fingers of lightning crackled out and grounded on the lesser tombs around it, so that serpents of white fire burned their way from pyramid to pyramid across the necropolis and the air filled with the stink of burning stone.
888In the middle of the firestorm the Great Pyramid appeared to lift up a few inches, on a beam of incandescence, and turn through ninety degrees. This was almost certainly the special type of optical illusion which can take place even though noone is actually looking at it.
889And then, with deceptive slowness and considerable dignity, it exploded.
890It was almost too crass a word. What it did was this: it came apart ponderously into building-sized chunks which drifted gently away from one another, flying serenely out and over the necropolis. Several of them struck other pyramids, badly damaging them in a lazy, unselfconscious way, and then bounded on in silence until they ploughed to a halt behind a small mountain of rubble.
891Only then did the boom come. It went on for quite along time.
892Grey dust rolled over the kingdom.
893Ptaclusp dragged himself upright and groped ahead, gingerly, until he walked into someone. He shuddered when he thought about the kind of people he'd seen walking around lately, but thought didn't come easily because something appeared to have hit him on the head recently .
894'Is that you, lad?' he ventured.
895'Is that you, dad?'
896'Yes,' said Ptaclusp.
897'It's me, dad.'
898'I'm glad it's you, son.'
899'Can you see anything?'
900'No. It's all mist and fog.'
901'Thank the gods for that, I thought it was me.'
902'It is you, isn't it? You said.'
903'Yes, dad.'
904'Is your brother all right?'
905'I've got him safe in my pocket, dad.'
906'Good. So long as nothing's happened to him.'
907They inched forward, clambering over lumps of masonry they could barely see.
908'Something exploded, dad,' said IIb, slowly. 'I think it was the pyramid.'
909Ptaclusp rubbed the top of his head, where two tons of flying rock had come within a sixteenth of an inch of fitting him for one of his own pyramids. 'It was that dodgy cement we bought from Merco the Ephebian, I expect-'
910'I think this was a bit worse than a moody lintel, dad,' said IIb. 'In fact, I think it was a lot worse.'
911'It looked a bit wossname, a bit on the sandy side-'
912'I think you should find somewhere to sit down, dad,' said IIb, as kindly as possible. 'Here's Two-Ay. Hang on to him.'
913He crept on alone, climbing over a slab of what felt very suspiciously like black marble. What he wanted, he decided, was a priest. They had to be useful for something, and this seemed the sort of time one might need one. For solace, or possibly, he felt obscurely, to beat their head in with a rock.
914What he found instead was someone on their hands and knees, coughing. IIb helped him - it was definitely a him, he'd been briefly afraid it might be an it - and sat him on another lump of, yes, almost certainly marble.
915'Are you a priest?' he said, fumbling in the rubble.
916'I'm Dil. Chief embalmer,' the figure muttered.
917'Ptaclusp IIb, paracosmic archi-' IIb began and then, suspecting that architects were not going to be too popular around here for a while, quickly corrected himself. 'I'm an engineer,' he said. 'Are you all right?'
918'Don't know. What happened?'
919'I think the pyramid exploded,' IIb volunteered.
920'Are we dead?'
921'I shouldn't think so. You're walking and talking, after all.'
922Dil shivered. 'That's no guideline, take it from me. What's an engineer?'
923'Oh, a builder of aqueducts,' said IIb quickly. 'They're the coming thing, you know.'
924Dil stood up, a little shakily.
925'I,' he said, 'need a drink. Let's find the river.'
926They found Teppic first.
927He was clinging to a small, truncated pyramid section that had made a moderate-sized crater when it landed.
928'I know him,' said IIb. 'He's the lad who was on top of the pyramid. That's ridiculous, how could he survive that?'
929'Why's there all corn sprouting out of it, too?' wondered Dil.
930'I mean, perhaps there's some kind of effect if you're right in the centre of the flare, or something,' said IIb, thinking aloud. 'A sort of calm area or something, like in the middle of a whirlpool-' He reached instinctively for his wax tablet, and then stopped himself. Man was never intended to understand things he meddled with. 'Is he dead?' he said. 'Don't look at me,' said Dil, stepping back. He'd been running through his mind the alternative occupations now open to him. Upholstery sounded attractive. At least chairs didn't get up and walk after you'd stuffed them. IIb bent over the body.
931'Look what he's got in his hand,' he said, gently bending back the fingers. 'It's a piece of melted metal. What's he got that for?'
932Teppic dreamed.
933He saw seven fat cows and seven thin cows, and one of them was riding a bicycle.
934He saw some camels, singing, and the song straightened out the wrinkles in reality.
935He saw a finger Write on the wall of a pyramid: Going forth is easy. Going back requires (cont. on next wall) . . .
936He walked around the pyramid, where the finger continued: An effort of will, because it is much harder. Thank you.
937Teppic considered this, and it occurred to him that there was one thing left to do which he had not done. He'd never known how to before, but now he could see that it was just numbers, arranged in a special way. Everything that was magical was just a way of describing the world in words it couldn't ignore.
938He gave a grunt of effort.
939There was a brief moment of speed. Dil and IIb looked around as long shafts of light sparkled through the mists and dust, turning the landscape into old gold.
940And the sun came up.
941The sergeant cautiously opened the hatch in the horse's belly. When the expected flurry of spears did not materialise he ordered Autocue to let out the rope ladder, climbed down it, and looked across the chill morning desert.
942The new recruit followed him down and stood, hopping from one sandal to another, on sand that was nearly freezing now and would be frying by lunchtime.
943'There,' said the sergeant, pointing, 'see the Tsortean lines, lad?'
944'Looks like a row of wooden horses to me, sergeant,' said Autocue. 'The one on the end's on rockers.'
945'That'll be the officers. Huh. Those Tsorteans must think we're simple.' The sergeant stamped some life into his legs, took a few breaths of fresh air, and walked back to the ladder.
946'Come on, lad,' he said.
947'Why've we got to go back up there?'
948The sergeant paused, his foot on a rope rung.
949'Use some common, laddie. They're not going to come and take our horses if they see us hanging around outside, are they? Stands to reason.'
950'You sure they're going to come, then?' said Autocue. The sergeant frowned at him.
951'Look, soldier,' he said, 'anyone bloody stupid enough to think we're going to drag a lot of horses full of soldiers back to our city is certainly daft enough to drag ours all the way back to theirs. QED.'
952'QED, sarge?'
953'It means get back up the bloody ladder, lad.'
954Autocue saluted. 'Permission to be excused first, sarge?'
955'Excused what?'
956'Excused, sarge,' said Autocue, a shade desperately. 'I mean, it's a bit cramped in the horse, sarge, if you know what I mean.'
957'You're going to have to learn a bit of will power if you want to stay in the horse soldiers, boy. You know that?'
958'Yes, sarge,' said Autocue miserably.
959'You've got one minute.'
960'Thanks, sarge.'
961When the hatch closed above him Autocue sidled over to one of the horse's massive legs and put it to a use for which it wasn't originally intended.
962And it was while he was staring vaguely ahead, lost in that Zen-like contemplation which occurs at moments like this, that there was a faint pop in the air and an entire river valley opened up in front of him.
963It's not the sort of thing that ought to happen to a thoughtful lad. Especially one who has to wash his own uniform.
964A breeze from the sea blew into the kingdom, hinting at, no, positively roaring suggestions of salt, shellfish and sun-soaked tidelines. A few rather puzzled seabirds wheeled over the necropolis, where the wind scurried among the fallen masonry and covered with sand the memorials to ancient kings, and the birds said more with a simple bowel movement than Ozymandias ever managed to say.
965The wind had a cool, not unpleasant edge to it. The people out repairing the damage caused by the gods felt an urge to turn their faces towards it, as fish in a pond turn towards an influx of clear, fresh water.
966No-one worked in the necropolis. Most of the pyramids had blown their upper levels clean off, and stood smoking gently like recently-extinct volcanoes. Here and there slabs of black marble littered the landscape. One of them had nearly decapitated a fine statue of Hat, the Vulture-Headed God.
967The ancestors had vanished. No-one was volunteering to go and look for them.
968Around midday a ship came up the Djel under full sail. It was a deceptive ship. It seemed to wallow like a fat and unprotected hippo, and it was only after watching it for some time that anyone would realise that it was also making remarkably fast progress. It dropped anchor outside the palace.
969After a while, it let down a dinghy.
970Teppic sat on the throne and watched the life of the kingdom reassemble itself, like a smashed mirror that is put together again and reflects the same old light in new and unexpected ways.
971No-one was quite sure on what basis he was on the throne, but no-one else was at all keen on occupying it and it was a relief to hear instructions issued in a clear, confident voice. It is amazing what people will obey, if a clear and confident voice is used, and the kingdom was well used to a clear, confident voice.
972Besides, giving orders stopped him thinking about things. Like, for example, what would happen next. But at least the gods had gone back to not existing again, which made it a whole lot easier to believe in them, and the grass didn't seem to be growing under his feet any more.
973Maybe I can put the kingdom together again, he thought. But then what can I do with it? If only we could find Dios. He always knew what to do, that was the main thing about him.
974A guard pushed his way through the milling throng of priests and nobles.
975'Excuse me, your sire,' he said. 'There's a merchant to see you. He says it's urgent.'
976'Not now, man. There's representatives of the Tsortean and Ephebian armies coming to see me in an hour, and there's a great deal that's got to be done first. I can't go around seeing any salesmen who happen to be passing. What's he selling, anyway?'
977'Carpets, your sire.'
978'Carpets?'
979It was Chidder, grinning like half a watermelon, followed by several of the crew. He walked up the hall staring around at the frescoes and hangings. Because it was Chidder, he was probably costing them out. By the time he reached the throne he was drawing a double line under the total.
980'Nice place,' he said, wrapping up thousands of years of architectural accumulation in a mere two syllables. 'You'll never guess what happened, we just happened to be sailing along the coast and suddenly there was this river. One minute cliffs, next minute river. There's a funny thing, I thought. I bet old Teppic's up there somewhere.'
981'Where's Ptraci?'
982'I knew you were complaining about the lack of the old home comforts, so we brought you this carpet.'
983'I said, where's Ptraci?'
984The crew moved aside, leaving a grinning Alfonz to cut the strings around the carpet and shake it out.
985It uncurled swiftly across the floor in a flurry of dust balls and moths and, eventually, Ptraci, who continued rolling until her head hit Teppic's boot.
986He helped her to her feet and tried to pick bits of fluff out of her hair as she swayed backwards and forwards. She ignored him and turned to Chidder, red with breathlessness and fury.
987'I could have died in there!' she shouted. 'Lots of other things have, by the smell! And the heat!'
988'You said it worked for Queen wossname, Ram-Jam-Hurrah, or whoever,' said Chidder. 'Don't blame me, at home a necklace or something is usually the thing.'
989'I bet she had a decent carpet,' snapped Ptraci. 'Not something stuck in a bloody hold for six months.'
990'You're lucky we had one at all,' said Chidder mildly. 'It was your idea.'
991'Huh,' said Ptraci. She turned to Teppic. 'Hallo,' she said. 'This was meant to be a startling original surprise.'
992'It worked,' said Teppic fervently. 'It really worked.'
993Chidder lay on a daybed on the palace's veranda, while three handmaidens took turns to peel grapes for him. A pitcher of beer stood cooling in the shade. He was grinning amiably.
994On a blanket nearby Alfonz lay on his stomach, feeling extremely awkward. The Mistress of the Women had found out that, in addition to the tattoos on his forearms, his back was a veritable illustrated history of exotic practices, and had brought the girls out to be educated. He winced occasionally as her pointer stabbed at items of particular interest, and stuffed his fingers firmly in his great, scarred ears to shut out the giggles.
995At the far end of the veranda, given privacy by unspoken agreement, Teppic sat with Ptraci. Things were not going well.
996'Everything changed,' he said. 'I'm not going to be king.'
997'You are the king,' she said. 'You can't change things.'
998'I can. I can abdicate. It's very simple. If I'm not really the king, then I can go whenever I please. If I am the king, then the king's word is final and I can abdicate. If we can change sex by decree, we can certainly change station. They can find a relative to do the job. I must have dozens.'
999'The job? Anyway, you said there was only your auntie.'
1000Teppic frowned. Aunt Cleph-ptah-re was not, on reflection, the kind of monarch a kingdom needed if it was going to make a fresh start. She had a number of stoutly-held views on a variety of subjects, but most of them involved the flaying alive of people she disapproved of. This meant most people under the age of thirty-five, to start with.
1001'Well, someone else, then,' he said. 'It shouldn't be difficult, we've always seemed to have more nobles than really necessary. We'll just have to find one who has the dream about the cows.'
1002'Oh, the one where there's fat cows and thin cows?' said Ptraci.
1003'Yes. It's sort of ancestral.'
1004'It's a nuisance, I know that much. One of them's always grinning and playing a wimblehorn.'
1005'It looks like a trombone to me,' said Teppic.
1006'It's a ceremonial wimblehorn, if you look closely,' she said.
1007'Well, I expect everyone sees it a bit differently. I don't think it matters.' He sighed, and watched the Unnamed unloading. It seemed to have more than the expected number of feather mattresses, and several of the people wandering bemusedly down the gangplank were holding toolboxes and lengths of pipe.
1008'I think you're going to find it difficult,' said Ptraci. 'You can't say “All those who dream about cows please step forward”. It'd give the game away.'
1009'I can't just hang around until someone happens to mention it, can I? Be reasonable,' he snapped. 'How many people are likely to say, hey, I had this funny dream about cows last night? Apart from you, I mean.'
1010They stared at one another.
1011'And she's my sister?' said Teppic.
1012The priests nodded. It was left to Koomi to put it into words. He'd just spent ten minutes going through the files with the Mistress of the Women.
1013'Her mother was, er, your late father's favourite,' he said.
1014'He took a great deal of interest in her upbringing, as you know, and, er, it would appear that . . . yes. She may be your aunt, of course. The concubines are never very good at paperwork. But most likely your sister.'
1015She looked at him with tear-filled eyes.
1016'That doesn't make any difference, does it?' she whispered.
1017Teppic stared at his feet.
1018'Yes,' he said. 'I think it does, really.' He looked up at her. 'But you can be queen,' he added. He glared at the priests. 'Can't she,' he stated firmly.
1019The high priests looked at one another. Then they looked at Ptraci, who stood alone, her shoulders shaking. Small, palace trained, used to taking orders . . . They looked at Koomi.
1020'She would be ideal,' he said. There was a murmur of suddenly-confident agreement.
1021'There you are then,' said Teppic, consolingly.
1022She glared at him. He backed away.
1023'So I'll be off,' he said, 'I don't need to pack anything, it's all right.'
1024'Just like that?' she said. 'Is that all? Isn't there anything you're going to say?'
1025He hesitated, halfway to the door. You could stay, he told himself. It wouldn't work, though. It'd end up a terrible mess; you'd probably end up splitting the kingdom between you. Just because fate throws you together doesn't mean fate's got it right. Anyway, you've been forth.
1026'Camels are more important than pyramids,' he said slowly. 'It's something we should always remember.'
1027He ran for it while she was looking for something to throw.
1028The sun reached the peak of noon without beetles, and Koomi hovered by the throne like Hat, the Vulture-Headed God.
1029'It will please your majesty to confirm my succession as high priest,' he said.
1030'What?' Ptraci was sitting with her chin cupped in one hand. She waved the other hand at him. 'Oh. Yes. All right. Fine.'
1031'No trace has, alas, been found of Dios. We believe he was very close to the Great Pyramid when it . . . flared.'
1032Ptraci stared into space. 'You carry on,' she said. Koomi preened.
1033'The formal coronation will take some time to arrange,' he said, taking the golden mask. 'However, your graciousness will be pleased to wear the mask of authority now, for there is much formal business to be concluded.'
1034She looked at the mask.
1035'I'm not wearing that,' she said flatly.
1036Koomi smiled. 'Your majesty will be pleased to wear the mask of authority,' he said.
1037'No,' said Ptraci.
1038Koomi's smile crazed a little around the edges as he attempted to get to grips with this new concept. He was sure Dios had never had this trouble.
1039He got over the problem by sidling round it. Sidling had stood him in good stead all his life; he wasn't going to desert it now. He put the mask down very carefully on a stool.
1040'It is the First Hour,' he said. 'Your majesty will wish to conduct the Ritual of the Ibis, and then graciously grant an audience to the military commanders of the Tsortean and Ephebian armies. Both are seeking permission to cross the kingdom. Your majesty will forbid this. At the Second Hour, there will-'
1041Ptraci sat drumming her fingers on the arms of the throne. Then she took a deep breath. 'I'm going to have a bath,' she said.
1042Koomi rocked back and forth a bit.
1043'It is the First Hour,' he repeated, unable to think of anything else. 'Your majesty will wish to conduct-'
1044'Koomi?'
1045'Yes, O noble queen?'
1046'Shut up.'
1047'The Ritual of the Ibis-' Koomi moaned.
1048'I'm sure you're capable of doing it yourself. You look like a man who does things himself, if ever I saw one,' she added sourly.
1049'The commanders of the Tsortean-'
1050'Tell them,' Ptraci began, and then paused. 'Tell them,' she repeated, 'that they may both cross. Not one or the other, you understand? Both.'
1051'But-' Koomi 's understanding managed at last to catch up with his ears - 'that means they'll end up on opposite sides.'
1052'Good. And after that you can order some camels. There's a merchant in Ephebe with a good stock. Check their teeth first. Oh, and then you can ask the captain of the Unnamed to come and see me. He was explaining to me what a “free port” is.'
1053'In your bath, O queen?' said Koomi weakly. He couldn't help noticing, now, how her voice was changing with each sentence as the veneer of upbringing burned away under the blowlamp of heredity.
1054'Nothing wrong with that,' she snapped. 'And see about plumbing. Apparently pipes are the thing.'
1055'For the asses' milk?' said Koomi, who was now totally lost in the desert.[32]
1056'Shut up, Koomi.'
1057'Yes, O queen,' said Koomi, miserably.
1058He'd wanted changes. It was just that he'd wanted things to stay the same, as well.
1059The sun dropped to the horizon, entirely unaided. For some people, it was turning out to be quite a good day. The reddened light lit up the three male members of the Ptaclusp dynasty, as they pored over plans for-
1060'It's called a bridge,' said IIb.
1061'Is that like an aqueduct?' said Ptaclusp.
1062'In reverse, sort of thing,' said IIb. 'The water goes underneath, we go over the top.'
1063'Oh. The k- the queen won't like that,' said Ptaclusp.
1064'The royal family's always been against chaining the holy river with dams and weirs and suchlike.'
1065IIb gave a triumphant grin. 'She suggested it,' he said. 'And she graciously went on to say, could we see to it there's places for people to stand and drop rocks on the crocodiles.'
1066'She said that?'
1067'Large pointy rocks, she said.'
1068'My word,' said Ptaclusp. He turned to his other son.
1069'You sure you're all right?' he said.
1070'Feeling fine, dad,' said IIa.
1071'No-' Ptaclusp groped 'headaches or anything?'
1072'Never felt better,' said IIa.
1073'Only you haven't asked about the cost,' said Ptaclusp. 'I thought perhaps you were still feeling fl- ill.'
1074'The queen has been pleased to ask me to have a look at the royal finances,' said IIa. 'She said priests can't add up.' His recent experiences had left him with no ill effects other than a profitable tendency to think at right angles to everyone else, and he sat wreathed in smiles while his mind constructed tariff rates, docking fees and a complex system of value added tax which would shortly give the merchant venturers of Ankh-Morpork a nasty shock.
1075Ptaclusp thought about all the miles of the virgin Djel, totally unbridged. And there was plenty of dressed stone around now, millions of tons of the stuff. And you never knew, perhaps on some of those bridges there'd be room for a statue or two. He had the very thing.
1076He put his arms around his sons' shoulders.
1077'Lads,' he said proudly. 'It's looking really quantum.'
1078The setting sun also shone on Dil and Gern, although in this case it was by a roundabout route through the lightwell of the palace kitchens. They'd ended up there for no very obvious reason. It was just that it was so depressing in the embalming room, all alone.
1079The kitchen staff worked around them, recognising the air of impenetrable gloom that surrounded the two embalmers. It was never a very sociable job at the best of times and embalmers didn't make friends easily. Anyway, there was a coronation feast to prepare.
1080They sat amid the bustle, observing the future over a jug of beer.
1081'I expect,' said Gern, 'that Gwlenda can have a word with her dad.'
1082'That's it, boy,' said Dil wearily. 'There's a future there. People will always want garlic.'
1083'Bloody boring stuff, garlic,' said Gern, with unusual ferocity. 'And you don't get to meet people. That's what I liked about our job. Always new faces.'
1084'No more pyramids,' said Dil, without rancour. 'That's what she said. You've done a good job, Master Dil, she said, but I'm going to drag this country kicking and screaming into the Century of the Fruitbat.'
1085'Cobra,' said Gern.
1086'What?'
1087'It's the Century of the Cobra. Not the Fruitbat.'
1088'Whatever,' said Dil irritably. He stared miserably into his mug. That was the trouble now, he reflected. You had to start remembering what century it was.
1089He glared at a tray of canapes. That was the thing these days. Everyone fiddling about .
1090He picked up an olive and turned it over and over in his fingers.
1091'Can't say I'd feel the same about the old job, mind,' said Gern, draining the jug, 'but I bet you were proud, master - Dil, I mean. You know, when all your stitching held up like that.'
1092Dil, his eyes not leaving the olive, reached dreamily down to his belt and grasped one of his smaller knives for intricate jobs.
1093'I said, you must have felt very sorry it was all over,' said Gern.
1094Dil swivelled around to get more light, and breathed heavily as he concentrated.
1095'Still, you'll get over it,' said Gern. 'The important thing is not to let it prey on your mind-'
1096'Put this stone somewhere,' said Dil.
1097'Sorry?'
1098'Put this stone somewhere,' said Dil.
1099Gern shrugged, and took it out of his fingers.
1100'Right,' said Dil, his voice suddenly vibrant with purpose.
1101'Now pass me a piece of red pepper .
1102And the sun shone on the delta, that little infinity of reed beds and mud banks where the Djel was laying down the silt of the continent. Wading birds bobbed for food in the green maze of stems, and billions of zig-zag midges danced over the brackish water. Here at least time had always passed, as the delta breathed twice daily the cold, fresh water of the tide.
1103It was coming in now, the foam-crested cusp of it trickling between the reeds.
1104Here and there soaked and ancient bandages unwound, wriggled for a while like incredibly old snakes and then, with the mininum of fuss, dissolved.
1105THIS IS MOST IRREGULAR.
1106We 're sorry. It's not our fault.
1107HOW MANY OF YOU ARE THERE?
1108More than 1,300, I'm afraid.
1109VERY WELL, THEN. PLEASE FORM AN ORDERLY QUEUE.
1110You Bastard was regarding his empty hay rack.
1111It represented a sub-array in the general cluster 'hay', containing arbitrary values between zero and K.
1112It didn't have any hay in it. It might in fact have a negative value of hay in it, but to the hungry stomach the difference between no hay and minus-hay was not of particular interest.
1113It didn't matter how he worked it out, the answer was always the same. It was an equation of classical simplicity. It had a certain clean elegance which he was not, currently, in a position to admire.
1114You Bastard felt ill-used and hard done by. There was nothing particularly unusual about this, however, since that is the normal state of mind for a camel. He knelt patiently while Teppic packed the saddlebags.
1115'We'll avoid Ephebe,' Teppic said, ostensibly to the camel. 'We'll go up the end of the Circle Sea, perhaps to Quirm or over the Ramtops. There's all sorts of places. Maybe we'll even look for a few of those cities, eh? I expect you'd like that.'
1116It's a mistake trying to cheer up camels. You may as well drop meringues into a black hole.
1117The door at the far end of the stable swung open. It was a priest. He looked rather flustered. The priests had been doing a lot of unaccustomed running around today.
1118'Er,' he began. 'Her majesty commands you not to leave the kingdom.'
1119He coughed.
1120He said, 'Is there a reply?'
1121Teppic considered. 'No,' he said, 'I don't think so.'
1122'So I shall tell her that you will be attending on her presently, shall I?' said the priest hopefully.
1123'No.'
1124'It's all very well for you to say,' said the priest sourly, and slunk off.
1125He was replaced a few minutes later by Koomi, very red in the face.
1126'Her majesty requests that you do not leave the kingdom,' he said.
1127Teppic climbed on to You Bastard's back, and tapped the camel lightly, with a prod.
1128'She really means it,' said Koomi.
1129'I'm sure she does.'
1130'She could have you thrown to the sacred crocodiles, you know.'
1131'I haven't seen many of them around today. How are they?' said Teppic, and gave the camel another thump.
1132He rode out into the knife-edged daylight and along the packed-earth streets, which time had turned into a surface harder than stone. They were thronged with people. And every single person ignored him.
1133It was a marvellous feeling.
1134He rode gently along the road to the border and did not stop until he was up in the escarpment, the valley spreading out behind him. A hot wind off the desert rattled the syphacia bushes as he tethered You Bastard in the shade, climbed a little further up the rocks, and looked back.
1135The valley was old, so old that you could believe it had existed first and had watched the rest of the world form around it. Teppic lay with his head on his arms.
1136Of course, it had made itself old. It had been gently stripping itself of futures for thousands of years. Now change was hitting it like the ground hitting an egg.
1137Dimensions were probably more complicated than people thought. Probably so was time. Probably so were people, although people could be more predictable.
1138He watched the column of dust rise outside the palace and work its way through the city, across the narrow patchwork of fields, disappear for a minute in a group of palm trees near the escarpment, and reappear at the foot of the slope. Long before he could see it he knew there'd be a chariot somewhere in the cloud of sand.
1139He slid back down the rocks and squatted patiently by the roadside. The chariot rattled by eventually, halted some way on, turned awkwardly in the narrow space, and trundled back.
1140'What will you do?' shouted Ptraci, leaning over the rail.
1141Teppic bowed.
1142'And none of that,' she snapped.
1143'Don't you like being king?'
1144She hesitated. 'Yes,' she said. 'I do-'
1145'Of course you do,' said Teppic. 'It's in the blood. In the old days people would fight like tigers. Brothers against sisters, cousins against uncles. Dreadful.'
1146'But you don't have to go! I need you!'
1147'You've got advisers,' said Teppic mildly.
1148'I didn't mean that,' she snapped. 'Anyway, there's only Koomi, and he's no good.'
1149'You're lucky. I had Dios, and he was good. Koomi will be much better, you can learn a lot by not listening to what he has to say. You can go a long way with incompetent advisers. Besides, Chidder will help, I'm sure. He's full of ideas.'
1150She coloured. 'He advanced a few when we were on the ship.'
1151'There you are, then. I knew the two of you would get along like a house on fire.' Screams, flames, people running for safety .
1152'And you're going back to be an Assassin, are you?' she sneered.
1153'I don't think so. I've inhumed a pyramid, a pantheon and the entire old kingdom. It may be worth trying something else. By the way, you haven't been finding little green shoots springing up wherever you walk, have you?'
1154'No. What a stupid idea.'
1155Teppic relaxed. It really was all over, then. 'Don't let the grass grow under your feet, that's the important thing,' he said. 'And you haven't seen any seagulls around?'
1156'There's lots of them today, or didn't you notice?'
1157'Yes. That's good, I think.'
1158You Bastard watched them talk a little more, that peculiar trailing-off, desultory kind of conversation that two people of opposite sexes engage in when they have something else on their minds. It was much easier with camels, when the female merely had to check the male's methodology.
1159Then they kissed in a fairly chaste fashion, insofar as camels are any judge. A decision was reached.
1160You Bastard lost interest at this point, and decided to eat his lunch again.
1161IN THE BEGINNING...
1162It was peaceful in the valley. The river, its banks as yet untamed, wandered languidly through thickets of rush and papyrus. Ibises waded in the shallows; in the deeps, hippos rose and sank slowly, like pickled eggs.
1163The only sound in the damp silence was the occasional plop of a fish or hiss of a crocodile.
1164Dios lay in the mud for some time. He wasn't sure how he'd got there, or why half his robes were torn off and the other half scorched black. He dimly recalled a loud noise and a sensation of extreme speed while, at the same time, he'd been standing still. Right at this moment, he didn't want any answers. Answers implied questions, and questions never got anyone anywhere. Questions only spoiled things. The mud was cool and soothing, and he didn't need to know anything else for a while.
1165The sun went down. Various nocturnal prowlers wandered near to Dios, and by some animal instinct decided that he certainly wasn't going to be worth all the trouble that would accrue from biting his leg off.
1166The sun rose again. Herons honked. Mist unspooled between the pools, was burned up as the sky turned from blue to new bronze.
1167And time unrolled in glorious uneventfulness for Dios until an alien noise took the silence and did the equivalent of cutting it into small pieces with a rusty breadknife.
1168It was a noise, in fact, like a donkey being chainsawed. As sounds went, it was to melody what a boxful of dates is to high-performance motocross. Nevertheless, as other voices joined it, similar but different, in a variety of fractured keys and broken tones, the overall effect was curiously attractive. It had lure. It had pull. It had a strange suction.
1169The noise reached a plateau, one pure note made of a succession of discordances, and then, for just the fraction of a second, the voices split away, each along a vector .
1170There was a stirring of the air, a flickering of the sun.
1171And a dozen camels appeared over the distant hills, skinny and dusty, running towards the water. Birds erupted from the reeds. Leftover saurians slid smoothly off the sandbanks. Within a minute the shore was a mass of churned mud as the knobbly-kneed creatures jostled, nose deep in the water.
1172Dios sat up, and saw his staff lying in the mud. It was a little scorched, but still intact, and he noticed what somehow had never been apparent before. Before? Had there been a before? There had certainly been a dream, something like a dream .
1173Each snake had its tail in its mouth.
1174Down the slope after the camels, his ragged family trailing behind him, was a small brown figure waving a camel prod. He looked hot and very bewildered.
1175He looked, in fact, like someone in need of good advice and careful guidance.
1176Dios's eyes turned back to the staff. It meant something very important, he knew. He couldn't remember what, though. All he could remember was that it was very heavy, yet at the same time hard to put down. Very hard to put down. Better not to pick it up, he thought.
1177Perhaps just pick it up for a while, and go and explain about gods and why pyramids were so important. And then he could put it down afterwards, certainly.
1178Sighing, pulling the remnants of his robes around him to give himself dignity, using the staff to steady himself, Dios went forth.
1179The End
1180[1] Such as being buried in the sand and having eggs laid in it.
1181[BACK]
1182[2] Breathing, for a start.
1183[BACK]
1184[3] Lit. 'Child of the Djel'.
1185[BACK]
1186[4] It was quite a big frog, however, and got into the air ducts and kept everyone awake for weeks.
1187[BACK]
1188[5] It was said that life was cheap in Ankh-Morpork. This was, of course, completely wrong. Life was often very expensive; you could get death for free.
1189[BACK]
1190[6] Bloat is extracted from the deep sea blowfish, Singularis minutia gigantica, which protects itself from enemies by inflating itself to many times its normal size. If taken by humans the effect is to make every cell in the body instantaneously try to swell some 2,000 times. This is invariably fatal, and very loud.
1191[BACK]
1192[7] The gates of the Assasins' Guild were never shut. This was said to be because Death was open for business all the time, but it was really because the hinges had rusted centuries before and no-one had got around to doing anything about it.
1193[BACK]
1194[8] Counterwise wine is made from grapes belonging to that class of flora - reannuals - that grow only in excessively high magic fields. Normal plants grow after the seeds have been planted, with reannuals it's the other way round. Although reannual wine causes inebriation in the normal way, the action of the digestive system on its molecules causes an unusual reaction whose net effect is to thrust the ensuing hangover backwards in time, to a point some hours before the wine is drunk. Hence the saying: have a hair of the dog that's going to bite you.
1195[BACK]
1196[9] When the Thieves' Guild declared a General Strike in the Year of the Engaging Sloth, the actual level of crime doubled.
1197[BACK]
1198[10] One of the two[11] legends about the founding of Ankh-Morpork relates that the two orphaned brothers who built the city were in fact found and suckled by a hippopotamus (lit. orijeple, although some historians hold that this is a mistranslation of orejaple, a type of glass-fronted drinks cabinet). Eight heraldic hippos line the bridge facing out to sea,. It is said that if danger ever threatens the city, they will run away.
1199[BACK]
1200[11] The other legend, not normally recounted by the citizens, is that at an even earlier time a group of wise men survived a flood sent by the gods by building a huge boat, and on this boat they took two of every type of animal then existing on the Disc. After some weeks the combined manure was beginning to weigh the boat low in the water so - the story runs - they tipped it over the side, and called it Ankh-Morpork.
1201[PREV][BACK]
1202[12] Like many river valley cultures the Kingdom has no truck with such trivia as summer, springtime and winter, and bases its calendar squarely on the great heartbeat of the Djel; hence the three seasons. Seedtime, Inundation and Sog. This is logical, straightforward and practical, and only disapproved of by barbershop quartets.[13]
1203[BACK]
1204[13] Because you feel an idiot singing 'In the Good Old Inundation', that's why.
1205[PREV][BACK]
1206[14] Lit. 'Dhar-ret-kar-mon', or 'clipping of the foot'. But some scholars say that it should be 'Dar-rhet-kare-mhun'. lit. 'hot-air paint stripper'.
1207[BACK]
1208[15] Dunnikindiver: a builder and cleaner of cesspits. A particularly busy profession in Ankh-Morpork, where the water table is generally at ground level, and one which attracts considerable respect. At least, everyone passes by on the other side of the street when a dunnikindiver walks by.
1209[BACK]
1210[16] Hoarse whispers are not suitable for a desert environment.
1211[BACK]
1212[17] Lit: 'I am going to be here again.'
1213[BACK]
1214[18] Some translation is needed here. If a foreign ambassador to the Court of St James wore (out of a genuine desire to flatter) a bowler hat, a claymore, a Civil War breastplate, Saxon trousers and a Jacobean haircut, he'd create pretty much the same impression.
1215[BACK]
1216[19] Younger assassins, who are usually very poor, have very clear ideas about the morality of wealth until they become older assassins, who are usually very rich, when they begin to take the view that injustice has its good points.
1217[BACK]
1218[20] The carvers had to use quite a lot of imagination. The late king had had many fine attributes, but doing mighty deeds wasn't among them. The score was: Number of enemies ground as dust under his chariot wheels = 0. Number of thrones crushed beneath his sandalled feet = 0. Number of times world bestrode like colossus = 0. On the other hand: Reigns of terror = 0 Number of times own throne crushed beneath enemy sandals = 0. Faces of poor ground = 0. Expensive crusades embarked upon = 0. His life had, basically, been a no-score win.
1219[BACK]
1220[21] Never trust a species that grins all the time. It's up to something.
1221[BACK]
1222[22] Renowned as the greatest camel mathematician of all time, who invented a math of eight-dimensional space while lying down with his nostrils closed in a violent sandstorm.
1223[BACK]
1224[23] An effect achieved by distilling the testicles of a small tree-dwelling species of bear with the vomit of a whale, and adding a handful of rose petals. Teppic probably would have felt no better for knowing this.
1225[BACK]
1226[24] This is of course a loose translation, since Ptaclusp did not know the words for 'ice', 'windscreens' or 'hotel bedrooms'; interestingly, however, Squiggle Eagle Eagle Vase Wavyline Duck translates directly as 'a press for barbarian leg coverings'.
1227[BACK]
1228[25] To everyone without such a logical frame of reference the fastest animal[26] on the Disc is the extremely neurotic Ambiguous Puzuma, which moves so fast that it can actually achieve near light-speed in the Disc's magical field. This means that if you can see a puzuma, it isn't there. Most male puzumas die young of acute ankle failure caused by running very fast after females which aren't there and, of course, achieving suicidal mass in accordance with relativistic theory. The rest of them die of Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle, since it is impossible for them to know who they are and where they are at the same time, and the see-sawing loss of concentration this engenders means that the puzuma only achieves a sense of identity when it is at rest - usually about fifty feet into the rubble of what remains of the mountain it just ran into at near light-speed. The puzuma is rumoured to be about the size of a leopard with a rather unique black and white check coat, although those specimens discovered by the Disc's sages and philosophers have inclined them to declare that in its natural state the puzuma is flat, very thin, and dead.
1229[BACK]
1230[26] The fastest insect is the .303 bookworm. It evolved in magical libraries, where it is necessary to eat extremely quickly to avoid being affected by the thaumic radiations. An adult .303 bookworm can eat through a shelf of books so fast that it ricochets off the wall.
1231[PREV][BACK]
1232[27] The role of listeners has never been fully appreciated. However, it is well known that most people don't listen. They use the time when someone else is speaking to think of what they're going to say next. True Listeners have always been revered among oral cultures, and prized for their rarity value; bards and poets are ten a cow, but a good Listener is hard to find, or at least hard to find twice.
1233[BACK]
1234[28] He was wrong. Nature abhors dimensional abnormalities, and seals them neatly away so that they don't upset people. Nature, in fact, abhors a lot of things, including vacuums, ships called the Marie Celeste, and the chuck keys for electric drills.
1235[BACK]
1236[29] It was, therefore, colloquially known as the Djinn palace.
1237[BACK]
1238[30] You know. The bit you can't reach with the straw.
1239[BACK]
1240[31] But not immediately, of course, because messages change in the telling and some ancestors were not capable of perfect enunciation and others were trying to be helpful and supplying what they thought were lost words. The message received by Teppicymon originally began, 'Handcuffed to the bed, the aunt thirsted.'
1241[BACK]
1242[32] A less desiccated culture would have used the phrase 'at sea'.
1243[BACK]