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1[Music]
2so in this training we're going to start
3by looking at the tools of connection
4and the tools of the mind in mind set
5these two puzzle pieces form the basis
6of charismatic conversations and
7charismatic connections after we've
8looked at all four of those puzzle
9pieces which interact with one another
10in harmony then we're going to look at
11how to apply them in real-world
12situations so you can take those
13ingredients and put them to immediate
14use so huge aspect of being socially
15magnetic is the ability to connect with
16people in a very deep and profound level
17for the most part creating a sense of
18connection with somebody means being
19able to hold space with that person in
20other words creating a comfortable
21environment that you take responsibility
22for so they can open up to you you'll
23know what I'm talking about when you
24approach somebody for a conversation
25perhaps you talk to a beautiful girl in
26the store and she looks at you and she's
27not sure what's happening because you're
28interrupting her maybe she's looking at
29a DVD or something and you go up and
30start the conversation you'll see
31uncertainty perhaps flash in her face
32this is your job then to hold space to
33be present with her and to create a
34sense of comfort and trust by first of
35all feeling comfortable and trustworthy
36of yourself now if you're a man who's in
37line with this purpose you will be
38projecting this anyway nevertheless your
39ability to create that space that
40environment where you're taking
41responsibility for the conversations so
42any awkward silences can be sidestepped
43where you're leading the conversation
44with good questions and powerful
45statements so the other person can just
46relax and let their guard down knowing
47that you are taking care of that
48conversation I liken it to almost
49performing a tennis match where you're
50hitting the ball over the net and the
51other person is looking on the other
52side going what do I do
53and they don't get to the ball in time
54and you say no worries which is a great
55attitude to have by the way just being
56completely uninvested in the end result
57of the conversation gives you fantastic
58control of the conversation as well
59people are very dependent on getting a
60result in conversations become very
61attached and that stops them just
62flowing and being present instead
63they're usually in their own mind
64listening to the chatterbox talking you
65hit another ball towards them and they
66still don't get it so again no worries
67you take the third ball you hit it
68towards them and this time using super
69speed you run round to their side of the
70tennis net and back the ball back to
71yourself then run back round to where
72you originally were and hit the ball
73back and through this backwards and
74forwards of the game you show them the
75hey having a conversation is fun don't
76worry I'm taking care of both sides of
77the conversation so you can relax and of
78course what happens is they tentatively
79pick up their tennis racket in other
80words they begin to start maybe throwing
81the occasional statement here or ask the
82odd little question and slow they become
83involved in the game to the point where
84you're both playing a rally the ball was
85going backwards and forwards the
86conversational topics are going
87backwards and forwards between you both
88the emotional energy is being shared and
89the conversation just opens up so you've
90got to be that star tennis player you've
91got to be that star conversationalist
92who takes responsibility for not just
93your enjoyment of the game but the other
94person's enjoyment in the game as well
95now in order to create this playful
96sense of connection with people there
97are three aspects that you should adhere
98to that will control how quickly they
99become a part of the game with you the
100very first one is your ability to be
101silent now I have a small confession to
102make
103I run conversation master classes these
104are workshops where we take our clients
105out into the real world to improve their
106conversation skills and our results are
107phenomenal I know these are the best
108classes in the world because I've spent
109the last 15 years developing them
110however the hallmark for an amazing
111conversation list for me it's somebody
112who's absolutely comfortable in their
113own silence because silence is where you
114foster your relationship with yourself
115and your ability to remain comfortable
116in silence is a reflection of what's
117going on inside your mind so before we
118go any further I have an exercise for
119you right now I'd like you to find a pen
120a piece of paper and something to time
121yourself on for example a timer on a
122mobile phone or a laptop or even a wall
123clock will be fine for this I'd also
124like you to find a calculator and if you
125don't have one to hand you can use one
126on your phone laptop or through a Google
127search so find a comfortable place
128and have the paper in front of you hold
129the pen in your hand and I'd like to
130invite you just to clear your mind of
131any conscious thought
132in other words turn off the Chatterbox
133inside your mind and sit in silence now
134the goal here is for the next 60 seconds
135to keep your mind clear however should
136any conscious thought arise in your mind
137use your pen
138just tally a line on the piece of paper
139in other words quietly draw a mark to
140keep count of that thought every time a
141different thought comes up put another
142line if you just have the same thought
143then that just counts as one so when
144you're ready to begin the exercise pause
145this presentation start your timer and
146begin and I'll see you in 60 seconds
147welcome back now I'd like you to look at
148your piece of paper and count how many
149thoughts came up in other words count
150your tallied marks you may have a few
151you may have none you may have lots it
152doesn't really matter how many are there
153right now but what I would like you to
154do is if you have any marks just count
155them up and I'd like you to take the
156calculator and we're going to do some
157really simple maths together first I'd
158like you to multiply your talib number
159by 60 that's gonna give you an idea of
160how many thoughts you have every hour
161now I'd like you to have a think about
162how many hours on average you're awake
163so for most people should be around 16
164to 18 hours a day if you're getting
165seven hours sleep then you're going to
166be awake for 17 hours so times up by
167whatever that number is if you're not
168sure put 16 or 17 in whatever that
169figure is tells you how many thoughts
170you're having every single day now I'd
171like you to multiply that by 30 that's
172gonna tell you how many thoughts you
173have every single month
174now finally that's had numbers getting
175bigger and bigger
176I'd like you to multiply that by 12
177now when that number springs up you're
178gonna have a really good idea of how
179many thoughts you're having every single
180year if you're under optimal conditions
181because remember for that exercise you
182were trying to keep your mind clear so
183that's how many thoughts you're having
184and the best conditions under the
185everyday conditions it's probably higher
186than that now every one of those
187thoughts is a line of computer code to
188your mind and instruction it goes into
189your brain so you need to watch your
190thoughts they become your words and your
191words become your deeds your deeds
192become your habits your habits become
193your character and your character
194defines your destiny in life so keeping
195these thoughts in check when they happen
196and keeping them positive is very
197important and when you think about it it
198can be quite challenging to consider how
199many of those thoughts might be negative
200ones
201so one way to bypass that is to foster
202the mindset of silence and a good
203exercise you can do is the same exercise
204we've just done now but build up and
205develop your skill until the point where
206you can get to a minute without having a
207single thought once you can do a minute
208aim to go for an hour now the sky's the
209limit with this but I just want to give
210you the starting tools what this
211translates to is being present when
212you're in the world around you not
213making any judgments about it because
214that's what causes the Chatterbox to
215switch back on and being silent being
216the observer now that doesn't mean being
217a massive introvert
218it just means absorbing what's going on
219around you but not attaching any meaning
220to it from my own experience I usually
221find that when meaning does get attached
222to things it's usually because we need
223to learn a lesson from it we need to
224learn something about what that moment
225is trying to teach us so we can then put
226it down once the lessons been discovered
227we can usually put that observation and
228we can put that chatter to rest because
229the lessons been learned and we can move
230on into silence again so it's just a
231good thing to be aware of and holding a
232peaceful silence almost creates a
233magical effect where other people feel
234comfortable in your presence and they
235feel they can also be silent too you'll
236know the difference between an
237uncomfortable silence and a comfortable
238relaxed silence so this is just a good
239little habit to foster and you can
240develop this as well and you can put
241this into practice by just holding
242silence when you talk to people for
243example if you ask them a question
244hold silence until you receive an answer
245you can by all means smile if that will
246allow you to feel more comfortable
247another thing you can do is pause before
248talking so if somebody asks a question
249to you have a little think before you
250answer if you're aiming an earring in
251your conversation it's usually a good
252indication that your internal rhythm is
253working a little bit too quick and
254a good sign to be aware of that you can
255just slow things down a bit more and
256don't worry if you are more we all are
257more at some point it's just a good
258little there you go there's my one
259canary in the cage to say hey no need to
260think so fast
261relax so be aware of your arms honors
262especially if you do public speaking
263you'll find that you can really catch
264yourself doing your arms and as these
265are little moments where the brain
266almost needs filler so watch out for
267those two they're actually really handy
268for showing where you are at that
269present moment and of course if you're
270feeling very tired you're going to arm
271and earn more if you're feeling full of
272energy you might find it difficult to
273impress those silences upon people now
274these are not intimidating silences
275we're not going for really imposing
276silences they're just relaxed peaceful
277silences and what that communicates the
278other person is that you're ready to
279listen that they can relax in your
280presence and all the ingredients of
281connection can naturally begin to form
282and you know you'll never lose
283somebody's attention from embracing
284silence in conversations you'll lose
285their attention from talking too quickly
286which I find an amazing irony because
287we're all learning how to improve our
288conversation skills but really it's
289about improving our silent skills by the
290real power lies now the next aspect of
291connection is developing the ability to
292ask really good questions to the person
293in front of you this is where a lot of
294people go wrong they end up becoming
295interviewers asking question after
296question after question the reason is
297asking questions puts responsibility for
298the conversation into the other person's
299lap this is something you don't want to
300do this is putting too much pressure on
301them and when you're deep in
302conversation this becomes normal but at
303the start of the conversation don't
304really want to be in
305question mode what you do want to do is
306be expressing yourself sharing your
307thoughts and ideas and peppering
308questions in and the type of questions
309you ask will determine how much the
310other person reveals about himself now
311if you imagine you're almost like two
312artists both standing next to blank
313canvases and getting ready to paint a
314portrait of yourself onto it in any
315conversation and the more you color in
316of yourself and the more they color in
317of their selves the more pretty their
318picture is and the more time and effort
319you both spend on your respective
320pictures the stronger you'll connect if
321you've spoken about yourself and in
322doing so painted a beautiful picture of
323who you are and the other person hasn't
324done anything then there's gonna be no
325real connection there likewise if
326they've painted in all about themselves
327and you've revealed nothing about
328yourself then the connection is going to
329suffer again so you get full control of
330how much paint you spread on your canvas
331in other words you get full control over
332how much you want to share about
333yourself to encourage the other person
334to start sharing things about their
335selves what you need to do is ask really
336great questions so here's how we do it
337let's first begin with a hypothetical
338situation let's just imagine you're
339sitting in front of somebody who you
340know is from the city of Tokyo Japan now
341the first thing you want to do is avoid
342asking them any question that can be
343responded to with a simple yes or a no
344so for example asking them whether they
345enjoy living in Tokyo is going to give
346you one of those answers now what that
347does is it doesn't give you enough to
348develop the conversation in its own
349right unless you're very skilled at
350conversation you're gonna find that it
351stops the conversation dead in the water
352and your instinct is going to be to ask
353another question for example oh why is
354that whatever answer they give so to
355avoid this because it'll lead you into
356the interviewer mode you need to phrase
357your question differently and you can do
358this very simply by explaining the
359reason why you're asking the question in
360the first place
361in other words justifying your question
362so instead of asking somebody do they
363enjoy living in Tokyo you may say oh do
364you enjoy living in Tokyo the reason I
365ask is because when I lived in Tokyo I
366found it a really exciting city or I've
367heard so much about it and seen
368of documentaries on it and I really want
369to visit it it's definitely on my list
370of places to go in the next five years
371now the key thing here is the
372justification so drill into your mind
373that phrase the reason I ask is because
374you could just use the word because on
375its own as well and this will allow you
376to justify your question really
377elegantly on that no make sure you give
378an authentic and genuine reason you're
379justifying the question so for example
380don't say you're asking because you
381lived there when you didn't the other
382person will pick up on that and your
383conversation will come across as
384inauthentic you will send making work
385really hard for yourself as well keep it
386real the source of your justification
387can be that you're just really curious
388or fascinated as soon as you've asked
389the question keep schtum be quiet and
390allow them to talk you'll likely get a
391much more wordy answer because you've
392justified the reason you're asking the
393question in the first place and the
394silence also encourages the other person
395to spill the beans a bit more as they're
396answering your question your task at
397this point is to be a great listener now
398that doesn't mean just nodding and going
399uh-huh uh-huh
400as they're talking to you if you want to
401get a good idea if somebody's not
402listening to you as you're talking to
403them they usually respond in a
404repetitive way for example nodding
405repeatedly or just saying the same thing
406over and over again for example I see I
407see I see that usually means what you're
408saying is going in one ear and out the
409other what you want to look for for when
410somebody's listening to you is varied
411conversation they're engaging in what
412you're saying to them so with that in
413mind we can flip that round and use it
414ourselves when somebody's talking to us
415and we want to show that we're listening
416then really good things to do are
417repeating back what they say you can do
418this verbatim in other words say exactly
419what they say to you and repeat it
420backward forward almost like a robot so
421for example if somebody says that they
422love Tokyo because all the temples that
423are dotted through the city you could
424say wow you love Tokyo because of all
425the temples dotted around the city
426that's really interesting now when I
427first tried this technique out I was
428really hesitant I thought that sounds
429really robotic so like any technique
430that I discover I put it into practice
431and I can tell you that it absolutely
432works it's something I do use sparingly
433though but it's a great technique just
434to throw in just repeat back what they
435say once you feel comfortable doing that
436you can also summarize what they say so
437for example if they say that they love
438Tokyo because of all the temples that
439dotted through the city you could say
440well so Tokyo is a city of temples it
441seems you can also expand on that answer
442and this is a really great thing to do
443so again using that example of Tokyo
444being a city for the temples you could
445reply I see it sounds like a very
446spiritual place still I think that's
447really nice because usually when I go to
448a city I think the vibe of the city is
449really defined by the people there and
450if there's lots of shrines and temples
451it sounds like that Tokyo is a really
452good vibe about it now when you start
453expanding on people's answers like that
454you'll find that the conversation moves
455away from the question-and-answer game
456it just suddenly becomes a place where
457you both share ideas don't be surprised
458if the other person jumps in and agrees
459with you or disagrees with you and what
460they're doing there is they're leaping
461in and hold in the conversation
462themselves again this is fantastic news
463and this is something you want to look
464out for when I'm working with my clients
465infield and we're talking to people in
466real life situations are often test them
467and ask them after they've left the
468conversation to tell me five really
469interesting things about the person
470you've just been speaking to if they
471can't it usually means they haven't been
472asking good questions or they haven't
473been listening in the right way so a
474good goal to set yourself is to come
475away from a five-minute conversation and
476have between three and five interesting
477things that you could tell somebody
478about the person you've just been
479speaking to that shows you're on the
480right track and you're getting the
481balance right between questions and
482statements and becoming engaging as
483you're talking to them now all the
484people you're going to meet in life come
485from different backgrounds have got
486different goals but really they're all
487working towards the same thing if you
488ask anyone where they want to be in life
489they usually tell you that they want to
490be happy
491dig a little deeper and you'll find
492really that they want to be free and if
493you get really deep with somebody you'll
494find that they just want to enter a
495state of peace now happiness freedom and
496peace are really good conversational
497topics finding what makes somebody happy
498finding out what somebody does to feel
499free and finding out how someone
500achieves a state of peace will connect
501you with that person and these aren't
502questions that you're going to
503ask straight away in a conversation once
504you've been talking to somebody you've
505got to know them better that's when you
506start asking deeper questions that's
507when you probe a bit more so this isn't
508something you'll do at the start of the
509conversation it's something you'll do
510when you feel comfortable with that
511person they feel comfortable with you
512and you'll definitely having comfortable
513silences with each other so really good
514deep questions usually follow the five
515W's and one H and the five W's and one H
516are what when where why who and how if
517you ask any question that begins with
518one of those six words the chances are
519it's going to lead to a deep question
520and here's some examples of good deep
521questions to ask people what's your
522philosophy in life when was the last
523time you had real fun let your hair down
524if you could go anywhere in the world
525right now where would you go why do you
526think it is that life never really works
527out how we planned who's your biggest
528inspiration of all time how would you
529spend a million dollars right now now
530there's no magic set of great questions
531they've just simply been overheard from
532other sources or I've been asked and
533myself and I'd really encourage you to
534listen out for any questions that you
535get asked that you think yeah that's
536really great questions that get you to
537really elicit a deep response now you're
538know a really good question is a really
539good question when the answer gets laced
540in emotion whether you're replying to a
541question and you're giving a lot of
542emotion in it or the other person is
543responding that's usually a question you
544want to remember and put in your memory
545banks for next time and of course as
546they answer your question you may choose
547to repeat back what they said you may
548choose to summarize what they said or
549you may want to expand on the topic one
550thing I would suggest you do though is
551to dig deeper with the answers you're
552getting when you are asking really deep
553questions you can also challenge them a
554bit ask them why they answered in the
555way they did for example if you ask them
556what their philosophy in life is and
557they say it's to leave people better off
558than what they found them awesome why
559probe them a bit what led them to do
560that what happened in their life that
561caused them to adopt this really unique
562personal trait so asking the five W's
563and one H questions is really good for
564digging deeper and you want to get to
565that point where they're getting in
566touch
567with their inner happiness with their
568freedom you know you're doing this
569because their face will light up this is
570really good it's called eliciting
571emotions and when you elicit emotions
572from people by asking really good
573questions that leads to a very deep and
574involved conversation now just one thing
575I want to add about asking deep
576questions if you're getting to know
577somebody then it's good to throw in the
578occasional challenging question for
579example asking them what their greatest
580fear is asking them what they're scared
581of what don't they like about the
582situation they're in right now get them
583to answer something that's gonna make
584them a little bit vulnerable you don't
585want to do this too much but it's really
586good to pepper in a friend of mine was
587at a party recently where she bumped
588into a colleague of hers she hadn't seen
589for ten years and their conversation was
590great they were old friends so they were
591getting on really well but it didn't get
592deep and the reason it didn't get deep
593is one of the friends had moved away
594she'd gone overseas so when my friend
595met her they were keeping the
596conversation really positive and upbeat
597there wasn't any talk about any
598challenges that the friend was facing or
599what she didn't like about moving away
600or what she missed the most now it may
601sound counterintuitive bringing up
602negative things in the conversation but
603this is how people connect they connect
604over a broad spectrum of emotion so it's
605good to throw in the occasional
606challenging question use sparingly
607though and only once you're getting to
608really know that person now the next
609element of connection that I'd like to
610draw your attention to is the dance
611between you and the other person in
612other words the backwards and forwards
613flow of the conversation you know what
614this feels like when you're having a
615really natural conversation with
616somebody it doesn't take any effort
617because everything's just flowing really
618easily now that could be broken down and
619I'm going to show you how to do that and
620more importantly how to apply it to your
621conversation the first thing to consider
622is what's being said in the conversation
623at any given moment now if I said to you
624the phrase the dog played the piano
625there's three things we can talk about
626in that conversation to keep it going
627free little tidbits that really stick
628out have a think if you can guess what
629they are well there's no surprise they
630are the dog we can talk about that we
631can talk about the piano and we can talk
632about playing the piano if we talk about
633any of those three subjects the
634conversation will flow these are
635conversational offers in other words
636offers to keep the conversation going
637when we're really listening to the other
638person
639we're silent and we're really drinking
640in what they're saying when we're
641listening to the answers they're giving
642us to the questions we're asking what a
643question really does is it provides an
644offer it provides something to expand
645the conversation further and good
646conversationalist swill seize upon the
647offers that are given to them poor
648conversationalist s-- will ignore the
649offers and then ask further questions so
650a symptom of the interviewer mode when
651you're asking a question after question
652after a question is that
653you'll get an answer back from your
654question for example if you ask somebody
655what their favorite place to visit in
656the whole world is and they say it's
657Serbia then the offer they're bringing
658to the conversation is Serbia if you ask
659another question it shows that you're
660not really listening because you haven't
661done anything to expand on Serbia at the
662very least say a sentence about it
663contrary to popular belief asking a
664question about an offer is not expanding
665on the offer this is where everyone gets
666it wrong when you hear that advice just
667be curious about people it doesn't mean
668just keep asking them questions it means
669expanding on the answers on the offers
670that you're given now a really good way
671to expand on offers is to embrace the
672mentality of yes and what this means is
673you're saying yes to whatever they're
674saying and you're gonna build on it so
675for example if somebody says I really
676like bacon yes and response would be yes
677an ID - it's the tastiest meat of all
678time or if somebody says I really want
679to be an accountant one day you could
680reply yes and you're going to be
681fantastically wealthy if you do this is
682yes and at its most basic form you're
683embracing what they're saying and you're
684gonna add to it unfortunately most
685people don't embrace yes and instead
686they embrace yes but now this is what
687yesBut sounds like in a conversation for
688example if somebody says I like bacon
689yes but would be a response along the
690lines of yeah Bacon's really nice but I
691prefer eggs or I'm going to be an
692accountant yeah but that's not really
693the most exciting job in the world now
694is it what this does is it blocks the
695conversational flow it stops the
696conversation becoming a tennis match
697between you and have a person where the
698ball is in motion as a rally going
699backwards and forwards between you both
700and instead turns into you trying to
701control the conversation by sharing your
702own thoughts and opinions and blocking
703their offer rather than embracing it
704even worse is no but no I'm not gonna
705take your offer but I'm gonna talk about
706something else completely different for
707example if somebody says I like bacon a
708no but response would be along the lines
709of Indiana Jones is on television right
710now I'm gonna watch it or I want to be
711an accountant wow it's really warm in
712here isn't it in other words you're just
713being ignorant to their offers and in
714fact blocking other people's offers is a
715quiet form of aggression if you do it
716too much it will really destroy the vibe
717of the conversation it's actually pretty
718difficult to go for a conversation
719without blocking somewhere along the
720line but really strong blocks like of
721the no but variety can quickly kill the
722vibe of a conversation in fact you won't
723usually hear people say no but too many
724times in a row let's say for example
725you're in the hypothetical situation
726where you're trying to decide where to
727go for dinner with somebody if you
728suggest for example going for a curry
729and they say no but I prefer pizza then
730you're pretty go oh okay let's just go
731for pizza and if they say no but again
732the vibe already starts to feel a bit
733taxing because now it's getting a bit
734frustrating to be with them now in the
735time between the last module and this
736one I visited Japan and while I was
737there I met a really famous businessman
738and we went out for dinner before we
739went to the actual dinner we met at a
740cafe and he said you know do you like
741drinking beer because Japanese Mills
742start with beer you know and if you if
743you don't drink beer we can't be friends
744so his offers in that conversation were
745beer and us not being friends and so I
746had to have a think there and I chose to
747yes and what he said and so I replied
748well we're already too smart and
749incredibly stylish guys by that reason
750alone we should be enemies
751I think beer as our only hope now and on
752that note let's go and get one and of
753course he loved that response and we
754went and got lots of beers so the thing
755is there is you won't always have yes
756and come to hand yes and feels unnatural
757to begin with the reason is we're much
758more naturally inclined to say yes but
759in other words to block the other person
760because of our ego we always want to
761have this controlling conversation now I
762didn't have choice over what he said to
763me about beers and being enemies but
764what I did have full control over is how
765I responded to that and you can build up
766your quick wit you can build up your
767ability to fire back responses by being
768wise after the event there's been many
769times in my life when somebody said
770something like that to me and I've just
771gone yeah and kind of felt a bit
772sheepish and that may happen to you
773that's absolutely fine if it does what's
774important is being wise after the event
775of course we discussed this before in
776the previous module but after you have a
777situation like that where you knew you
778could improve on the situation I would
779think what you could have said so one
780thing I will do in situations like that
781even if I do come out of a good response
782to a memorable moment I'll think about
783what other things I could have said as
784well I've always got two or three
785options to hand so for example there I
786could have said well let's hope they
787don't have swords in there otherwise
788drunken enemies with swords could be
789dangerous or I could have said something
790along the lines of so let me get this
791straight we're meeting as enemies and
792we're about to get drunk this is going
793to be a very memorable night no matter
794what happens now two important things to
795draw from this the first is this is an
796exercise that you do after the event and
797of words this is to get your creative
798juices flowing and it gives you a mental
799workout to get you sharper it doesn't
800matter if what you come out with this
801funny hilarious or plain boring the main
802thing is you're focusing on how to yes
803and the situation more elegantly and the
804next thing to draw your attention to is
805your noticed I didn't actually say yes
806and in those examples what I did do is I
807embrace the spirit of taking what they
808said and building on it it can be very
809tricky to actually say the words yes and
810sometimes so don't get too caught up in
811that what I really wanted to draw your
812attention to of the yes--and thing is
813that yes you're seeing that other
814persons offer you're listening to them
815and you're gonna take it one step
816further and build upon it and that's
817really what yes--and is about it's the
818secret sauce between really strong
819connections with people that just get on
820if you've noticed friends that just riff
821and they just vibe between each other so
822easily it's because they're you sounding
823each other so within the realm of
824connection we've looked at the idea of
825creating a sense of space with the other
826person
827through silence and stillness so they
828feel comfortable to let their guard down
829we've also looked at how to ask really
830good questions and how to connect with
831people through that and also how to
832embrace the idea of yes and to take what
833they're doing in the conversation and
834build on it so you have a dance between
835you and the other person so you can go
836backwards and forwards and click with
837them as they would do with their friends
838and family
839[Music]
840
841
842
843
844
845[Music]
846so now we're gonna look at the fourth
847and final puzzle piece of charisma which
848is mindset it's very important to get
849your mind into gear before you put your
850mouth into motion now the sad truth is
851most people are not the master of their
852own mind
853they're the slave of their mind and it
854takes discipline to get your mind to
855become your servant so anything you put
856your mind to you can carry out an act
857upon and so really that's what we're
858focusing on with this piece of the
859puzzle because getting your head in the
860right place is everything so three
861really important components I want to
862draw your attention to are forgiveness
863gratitude and persistence so let's look
864at those each now in more detail let's
865start with forgiveness now at the risk
866of sounding like a religious sermon
867forgiveness is an incredibly powerful
868tool that's completely underutilized
869forgiveness is the act of letting go of
870attachments letting go with things in
871other words putting stuff down we're
872very good in life at picking things up
873to add to our story of who we are we're
874less successful at putting things down
875taking things away from the story that
876we don't want in fact many people who
877are very sad and upset and angry in life
878usually have been collecting things the
879whole lives they don't really want
880anymore
881so this idea of forgiveness to put
882things down is very important not only
883is it unburdening it also has a huge
884impact on the way you converse with
885people and the way you connect with them
886but first of all I'd like to address
887forgiveness as itself and then we're
888gonna see how that applies to
889conversations so a few months ago I was
890driving down a road near where I live
891and this guy just flew out of nowhere in
892his red car and almost crashed into mine
893now I just went into this automatic mode
894where I thought right just exit the
895problem as quickly as possible
896just to avoid an accident so I carried
897on driving just to get out of the
898situation for some reason I'm not sure
899why he thought it was my fault that he
900almost crashed into me so I parked
901outside my house and I noticed that the
902red car that I just kind of swerved
903around was coming up in my rear view
904mirror I was parked but this car was
905coming up and I thought wow I wonder
906what's gonna happen here as it turns out
907he didn't just speed past he slowed down
908really red-faced and ordered me to wind
909my window down as you can tell I'm not
910blessed with electric windows so I duly
911wound the window down and as I expected
912he just let rip he had a huge go at me
913he was swearing and shouting his
914girlfriend was there looking really
915embarrassed and as usual when I'm in
916those sorts of situations I always focus
917on being the calmest person so I was
918just really still in prison with him not
919reacting in any way just being really
920present with him throwing all this anger
921towards me and I thought this is great I
922have a new student here I have someone I
923can hopefully help so it seemed like a
924good idea at a time but I just looked
925him and said hey you being angry was
926that making you feel better well with
927that he erupted into rage he was like
928right come on you and me let's go he was
929demanding that you know we have a fight
930in the mid of the road which was pretty
931extreme and kind of exciting as well
932I'll be honest anyway just as things
933were heating up another car came up
934behind him and honked its horn so he did
935have to move cuz he was blocking the
936road so he just shouted something at me
937and then just sped off into the distance
938the situation was over my heart was
939racing a little bit if I'm honest and I
940just got on with my day now later on I
941was making a cup of tea and I've
942replayed that moment in my mind I
943replayed what had just happened I
944replayed what I said and you know almost
945like a little movie I made for myself I
946guess it was something I was just doing
947as I was trying to understand the
948situation a bit better I knew I didn't
949bear him any ill-will and I've kind of
950learned in my own development just not
951hold on to things like that just to let
952him pass anyhow after that I was getting
953on with something else and that scene
954replayed itself in my mind again it
955happened a couple of times actually and
956I started to really just play around
957with the idea of well what could I have
958done differently there if he'd pulled up
959like that you know and I kind of came up
960with all these different ideas I I could
961have said you know things that you wish
962he'd said at the time so part of me was
963thinking ah man I wish like as he'd
964pulled up with his girlfriend sat there
965I could have just said his girlfriend
966and said hey is
967you see this boring embed as well or
968maybe as he pulled up I could have said
969right let's go and have a fight you and
970me and you know all these different
971scenarios were going through my mind of
972what I could have done what I could have
973done and again I came to the conclusion
974of you know I just have to let this go
975so I made a note to myself just to say
976to myself right just you know hey just
977let it go forgive him just let it go and
978that worked temporarily I kind of got on
979with some more work later on in that day
980however the next day the same scene
981popped up and although I had to let it
982go it turns out I hadn't it kept
983replaying in my mind and this happened
984for over the course of a week and you
985know again I was replaying all these
986different situations maybe I should find
987out where he lived and offered to take
988him out for a beer or something and say
989hey we're just having a bad day never
990mind but no matter what I did or no
991matter what conclusion I drew I never
992really found any peace with it it wasn't
993till about another week had passed and I
994asked myself a different question about
995that situation I thought what was that
996person trying to teach me what was a
997lesson there that life was trying to
998give me that I didn't really get and
999then I actually had a good think about
1000it and I sort of thought back to what
1001would be the ideal situation there if he
1002was going to stop by being really angry
1003was the ideal situation I tried to teach
1004him some meditation technique or really
1005was the idea that he just passed and
1006felt a lot better
1007that he'd vented himself and so with
1008that thought I kind of dig deeper with
1009it in my own mind and I realized that
1010what I had to say to him to make him
1011feel better was just I'm sorry all my
1012other thoughts and ideas about the
1013situation were just mental fantasy those
1014two words I'm sorry would have calm the
1015situation and had allowed him to go
1016about his way but my pride at the time
1017didn't want me to be the person who lost
1018the interaction didn't want me to be the
1019one who admitted he was at fault it
1020didn't matter who was up for what
1021mattered was that I needed to act like a
1022man at that moment and I didn't and
1023because of that that thought kept coming
1024back to me that scene kept getting
1025played out but when I really thought
1026about it and I realized what the lesson
1027was just to let go just to leave this
1028person better off the
1029I found them then I was able to have
1030this huge insight and with that insight
1031came the ability to put the experience
1032down it's almost like every person you
1033meet is your teacher the irony being
1034that I thought I was his teacher
1035but I wasn't he was mine I was his
1036student and he was given me a gift there
1037he was giving me a lesson so if you're
1038carrying pain about something it's
1039usually because it's trying to teach you
1040something when you find out what that
1041lesson is and it can be a very small
1042lesson it can be very deep profound
1043lesson that can lead you on a very long
1044journey of introspection now one thing's
1045for sure whatever you lose through that
1046experience is usually stuff you don't
1047need in the first place it's usually
1048baggage anyway so I really want to draw
1049your focus here on the idea that
1050forgiveness is a process that happens
1051through growth you have lessons in life
1052that are given to you and when you fully
1053absorb that lesson you grow from it and
1054in doing so that's when you can put
1055things down so there's a real difference
1056between being detached from things and
1057being unattached to things as they
1058happen I've met guys who will go out and
1059chat to lots of people to improve their
1060conversation skills and they might get a
1061positive result from one person then a
1062negative result from another and they're
1063just brush it off and say oh well no big
1064deal on to the next that's something you
1065want to be careful of because that's
1066coming from a place of detachment where
1067you're not fully invested in the
1068conversation with the person you're
1069having if you keep doing that it builds
1070invisible barriers between you and the
1071other person you'll find the ability to
1072connect with people becomes more
1073difficult if you've ever seen guys
1074running up to girls on the street only
1075to get blown out straight away it's
1076because they've done it so many times
1077they've become detached from the outcome
1078that's not a good thing to be you want
1079to be unattached to the outcome
1080unattached to means that you might go up
1081to somebody talk to them and it might
1082not go well and it might hurt a bit
1083and you're present with that hurt but
1084you're not attached to it you can see
1085that it's trying to teach you something
1086maybe don't jump out of them so quickly
1087maybe don't run up so fast and you've
1088learned the lesson and then you can put
1089it down to one side and then you can
1090move on with things so an attachment is
1091a very powerful thing to be aiming for
1092now how this relates to conversations in
1093general well we looked in the previous
1094puzzle-piece at this idea of yes anding
1095now when you do that what's happening is
1096you're relinquishing control from the
1097conversation if I bring up the topic of
1098ancient Egyptian pyramids to somebody
1099randomly in a conversation and they
1100don't seize my offer and add to it then
1101charm is forgiving them and letting them
1102control the conversation so if I say hey
1103I just saw this documentary about
1104ancient Egypt it looked really cool and
1105the other person no buts me and says oh
1106I didn't watch TV last night I went and
1107played soccer instead then I forgive
1108them and then I build on their offer and
1109I say wow you know what soccer is
1110something I need to do more because I'm
1111so unfit so forgiveness permeates not
1112just on a deep level in conversations
1113but also on a level where it enables you
1114to keep conversational flow you can step
1115back and not be the person who has to
1116lead the conversation all the time you
1117have to be forgiving of people they're
1118not always gonna be as socially aware as
1119you are you never know what's going
1120through somebody's mind you never know
1121what sort of day they're having so one
1122thing for sure is it's very easy when
1123you're talking to people to collect
1124their baggage you know if somebody's
1125having a really bad day they might
1126respond to you in a way that you weren't
1127expecting or they might be negative with
1128you
1129it's easier then to pick up that
1130negativity and add that to your own
1131story that's certainly something you
1132don't want to be doing however if you're
1133forgiving of people if you're thinking
1134instead write what they trying to teach
1135me here what lesson can I learn from
1136that how could I improve that
1137conversation better next time then you
1138free yourself from collecting their
1139baggage and adding it to your own in
1140fact it can be the reverse you can start
1141letting go of your own stuff which can
1142be very spiritually rewarding in fact
1143there's this huge debate that's been
1144rumbling on for ages which poses the
1145question is charisma something you're
1146born with or is it something you can
1147develop well the truth is we're all
1148naturally charismatic when we're
1149unblocked when we don't have or baggage
1150blocking our personality down so while
1151we're getting all that baggage removed
1152we need to learn techniques and
1153strategies to show our conversation
1154skills offshore personality off in the
1155best possible way in doing so we free
1156ourselves of baggage and then our true
1157true self shines almost like a Sun
1158behind the clouds sometimes those clouds
1159are going to be there no big deal you
1160can be the breeze you can blow them out
1161the way
1162sunshine come through and on that
1163positive note the next aspect of
1164charisma I'd like to look at with
1165regards to mindset is gratitude in other
1166words being thankful for whatever set of
1167circumstances you're presently in in
1168that moment so you have very little
1169control of the situations you find
1170yourself in but again you have full
1171control over how you react and I think
1172it's always good to choose a reaction
1173that makes you happy so looking at any
1174situation and being thankful for it
1175gives you an inside edge here's an
1176example last year I was flying back to
1177London from JFK in New York and usually
1178when I fly I'm very lucky because I fly
1179in business class that's not because I
1180buy business class tickets it's just
1181because I've got a list of contacts who
1182usually get me upgraded however this
1183time was just flying on a standard
1184ticket and unfortunately luck wasn't in
1185my side at all that day because I turned
1186up late to the airport
1187in fact I turned up so late I was on the
1188verge of missing my flight but my a
1189student life is no problem so it turned
1190up and I was talking to the checking
1191girl and it didn't look very good for
1192that flight in fact I was sitting there
1193waiting and I thought what am i grateful
1194for right now and I thought well I'm
1195grateful because I'm in New York I've
1196got to see New York City that's amazing
1197and I'm also grateful for the fact that
1198life is an adventure I mean what's gonna
1199happen now I have no idea so she came
1200back with a bad news it turns out that I
1201couldn't unfortunately get on the flight
1202and we had a joke and I had a laugh with
1203her I found out about her and I found
1204out how her day was going she looked
1205pretty stressed so we had a little joke
1206about that as well
1207I said she should come run away with me
1208on the next flight anyhow JFK was
1209closing and unfortunately because it's
1210one of the world's most secure airports
1211you're not allowed to stay that
1212overnight and if you've ever flown into
1213JFK you know it's kind of on the
1214outskirts of New York there's not really
1215anywhere to go so as I was being herded
1216out of the terminal I noticed that the
1217people around me were really in a
1218negative mood because of you know they
1219were getting thrown out at the building
1220and I was still in an upbeat mood I was
1221still pretty happy because yeah for all
1222the things I was grateful for and just
1223at that moment I saw the security guard
1224walking towards me about to give me the
1225final boot and I said oh I know that
1226face that means I'm in trouble and with
1227that the security guard laughed and said
1228oh I'm sorry I've just got to do this
1229because you know otherwise if we don't
1230we get into
1231and I said I'll come on I said life's
1232not fun if you didn't get a trouble and
1233down and then and the security guard
1234said well I hang on a minute
1235let's just see what I can do say I was a
1236bit puzzled I didn't really know what
1237the security guard was doing but I told
1238me to stand there and wait and I did and
1239he came back and he said right I've got
1240everyone out the building you can stay
1241in a terminal still if you want and he
1242let me stay on a couch in a terminal
1243which I thought was fantastic so I
1244didn't have to fend for myself outdoors
1245I could stay inside nice and warm and
1246just to add salt into the wound for
1247everyone else he was raining outside as
1248well so I I was in there nice and snug
1249so as I was going to sleep I stretched
1250out on the couch and I remember waking
1251up like 6 or 7 a.m. when the airport was
1252coming back to life again and next to me
1253was a pot of water and loads of sweets
1254and chocolates and it was from the
1255checking go upstairs she'd walked past
1256me seen me sleep in there and decided
1257just to leave me a little gift so I was
1258really cheerful enough well what can I
1259be grateful for here for I'm really
1260lucky life is good and I went up to my
1261terminal and I managed to get on the
1262flight in the next morning I found out
1263I'd been upgraded I got a business class
1264flight all the way back to London
1265something I didn't have to pay for ever
1266all because I left people better off
1267than when I found them and the reason I
1268was able to do that is because I was
1269grateful for the situation I was in
1270it's very easy to look at situations
1271with a negative spin negative emotions
1272are addictive positive emotions take a
1273bit of practice but if you can get into
1274that positive mindset and a really good
1275way to do that is to be grateful then
1276you'll find your vibe just changes and
1277you interact with people easily and this
1278idea of gratitude what it does is it
1279gives you evidence that your life is
1280good you know everyone's life is good if
1281you look for what you can be happy about
1282on what you can appreciate because
1283there's always something in that moment
1284you know upset sadness is when our
1285mindset is in the past and fear is about
1286thinking about things in the future that
1287haven't happened yet but all happiness
1288is this in the present moment so some
1289goji you to focus on the third trait of
1290mindset is cultivating an attitude of
1291persistence this is very powerful
1292because most people in life are not
1293persistent they give up after hearing
1294the first note in anything they do for
1295example the best sales be
1296in the world don't hear no once they
1297don't hear no twice they hear no usually
1298five times before they close the sale
1299but most salespeople give up off the
1300first no and you've probably had
1301experience of this if you've ever walked
1302into a store and a sales persons walked
1303up to me and said can I help you your
1304instant reply is a fatik no I'm alright
1305thanks I'm just looking around it's not
1306necessarily that you don't even need
1307help it's just that you kind of want
1308that space to make sense of your
1309surroundings and have a think about why
1310you're there now when you're chatting to
1311people from scratch when you're starting
1312a conversation with somebody you've
1313never met before you usually won't hear
1314a verbal no from people but what you may
1315find when you're talking to them is that
1316they don't carry the conversation on
1317this is almost a hidden node they're not
1318doing anything to add to the
1319conversation so it falls back on you to
1320keep it going now suddenly what most
1321guys do is when they go and talk to for
1322example a pretty girl and they don't get
1323the response they were hoping they'd
1324take that as rejection which is complete
1325nonsense usually most of the time you're
1326just getting the first know you're
1327getting somebody's Phatak response which
1328is who you I don't know who you are I'm
1329just gonna be really quiet and roll my
1330eyes secretly I'm kind of working out
1331who you are but in that time oh you've
1332gone you've left so it can take between
133330 to 60 seconds to drink somebody in
1334and really start the conversation and in
1335that time most people will take that as
1336just rejection the chances are you've
1337probably been rejected fewer times than
1338you realize what you're usually getting
1339is just one of the first five knows that
1340kind of almost like the guardians of any
1341conversation and your job is just to
1342unlock those and here's an example of
1343what I mean I was in Sydney Australia in
1344a McDonald's late at night with one of
1345my trainers and we were sitting there
1346having a burger and this girl walked in
1347and my trainer like nudge man Yama said
1348oh my god look at her and I'll be honest
1349she had an amazing bum and I said quoi I
1350said she's got a great bond and he said
1351you know what you have to go and tell
1352her now the rules of teller dictate that
1353I must obey that and I thought this is
1354this is social suicide but I'm gonna go
1355and tell her she's got a great bomb so
1356she was ordering her burger and I walked
1357up and I said hey just so you know you
1358have a great bomb and she looks at me
1359but the face of disgust
1360and in that moment I got my first no now
1361it would be easy to kind of just shuffle
1362away awkwardly but instead I realized
1363it's just the first no so I said hey you
1364know that wasn't the smoothest comment
1365but you are a McDonald's had you been in
1366someone like Burger King you would have
1367got a much classier comment like nice
1368shoes now I found that funny but again
1369she just looked at me so I was on my
1370second note then I said I'll be honest I
1371was hoping that Burger King comment
1372would have turned things around it's not
1373it's just made them worse isn't it again
1374more silence I was now on my third no so
1375I said but you know what for all you
1376know I could be an eccentric millionaire
1377who'd come to McDonald's tonight to find
1378a girl to whisk off to Fiji okay I admit
1379it I'm not a millionaire at all but I am
1380in the mood for chicken McNuggets now
1381again what was I saying it made me laugh
1382and it made her smile too there was a
1383slightly different reaction this time so
1384on my fourth note I decided to say so
1385I'm curious are you here just to get him
1386at Donald's or is this how you usually
1387meet guys with that she burst out
1388laughing and she said I'm Natasha we had
1389a great conversation and whatnot anyway
1390I came and sat back down to my table and
1391my trainer was there with a face of
1392disbelief saying what on earth did you
1393say to her what on earth did you do to
1394turn that conversation around well the
1395secret was it's not what I said it was
1396that I persisted when you persist it
1397shows off your concurrence it shows off
1398that you're there and you're comfortable
1399in your own skin
1400most people will leave any conversation
1401when they get the first negative thing
1402that happens to them the first no if you
1403really want to develop your skills and
1404ability to connect with people ain't it
1405build up to five nodes in every
1406conversation you have five negative
1407moments that you just sit present with
1408before you decide to leave so to put
1409this into practice I'd like you to start
1410developing your awareness of when
1411moments come up when you need to persist
1412and a really good exercise to do this is
1413to walk into a coffee shop and ask for a
1414free cup of tea now it'd help if you
1415give a reason like for example it's my
1416birthday or for example it's Friday can
1417have a free cup of tea the answer you'll
1418probably get is a resounding no
1419and that is your first note when you
1420feel comfortable push for to say oh come
1421on I know you can do better than that
1422so again go for your second push go for
1423your second note and what I'd like you
1424to do is do this in stages get used to
1425first of all just hearing know for the
1426first time then once you're catching
1427these noes happening quote-unquote
1428rejection push again and once you've got
1429used to getting know twice go again
1430until you can put up to five nodes in a
1431conversation if you really want to take
1432it further go to somewhere like an art
1433gallery find people who are looking at
1434paintings and start showing observations
1435with them for example saying to them mmm
1436that's a nice painting you're looking at
1437you'll probably find they just look at
1438you and smile and again this is what we
1439would call and know so push again yep
1440that's a really good painting I'm
1441thinking about actually buying this one
1442I wonder if it's a sale now they may
1443look at you strange there again this is
1444that second no they're still just taking
1445you in and what I want you to do is
1446again build up to five nodes you'll find
1447very interesting things happen if you
1448just push I'd like you to take note of
1449when the conversations usually break
1450open you'll find it's not on the first
1451or second though now as you listen to
1452this you may be wondering well why do we
1453go for five knows why not 18 well by the
1454time you get to the fifth know you have
1455a really good idea if the other person
1456is receptive to a conversation or not
1457anything other than that becomes the law
1458of diminishing returns it's still
1459possible to turn a conversation around
1460on the seventh or eighth note but if you
1461haven't turned it around on the fifth
1462note the bigger problem is probably not
1463their receptivity to the conversation
1464but your ability to calibrate the energy
1465of the conversation itself so get
1466comfortable getting used to five notes
1467if you want to push for a six no go for
1468it but but be careful don't go overboard
1469with it as I said most people give up
1470off to the first note they're very fat
1471that you're going for five puts you in
1472the top 1%
1473[Musi
1474
1475
1476
1477[Music]
1478so we've looked at the four elements of
1479charisma we've looked at the idea of
1480developing purpose in creation in module
14811 and in this module we've looked at the
1482importance of fostering the ability to
1483connect with others and developing your
1484mindset and all four of those puzzle
1485pieces come together to enable you to
1486create a personality that magnetic so
1487before we go any further I'd like you to
1488consider that everything that's great
1489that's created in life happens because
1490of the relationships we form with others
1491and relationships are the secret to
1492abundance now the ability to build
1493relationships with others is everything
1494in fact anything around you that's been
1495creative that's useful or fantastic
1496happens because more than one person
1497connects with somebody else they form a
1498relationship and great things come about
1499because of that so the house that you
1500live in happened because one day
1501somebody wanted a house they put the
1502money up an architect designed it a
1503building crew came in and put it
1504together roofers did the ceiling and the
1505roofs and electricians are wired the
1506whole place up don't forget the plumbers
1507as well so this big team of people came
1508together to create the building that
1509you're currently living in now that's
1510just buildings even on the small scale
1511paintings for example an artist creates
1512a masterpiece but somebody had to build
1513the frame somebody had to find the inks
1514and the paint's that the artist was
1515going to mix together to create his
1516masterpiece so even on a very small
1517scale the relationships that are formed
1518determined the success you can
1519experience in life and building
1520relationships is everything now
1521underpinning every relationship is the
1522reciprocation principle now this
1523effectively means that if you do
1524something nice for somebody they're more
1525likely to do something nice for you in
1526fact doing nice things to people is
1527great because it makes you feel good
1528anyway the reward is in the deed but
1529usually when you do something nice for
1530somebody their return the favor now the
1531key thing about the reciprocation
1532principle is you don't have to do a huge
1533act to get a huge favor back you can do
1534a small favor and that can pay dividends
1535likewise you can do a really big favor
1536for somebody and you might just get a
1537thanks back either way the backwards and
1538forwards Ness of the reciprocation
1539principle allows people to connect it's
1540almost
1541that you're paying forward a favor in
1542kind when you help people out and as I
1543said not only does it help develop your
1544self-esteem anyway it also is the glue
1545that connects people so I'm always
1546trying to find how I can help people out
1547how I can put treasure in there empty
1548treasure chests for example and I
1549believe it was Aristotle who said there
1550were three types of friendship
1551friendships built on fun friendships
1552built on circumstance and friendships
1553built on goodness friendships built on
1554fun are for example when you're at
1555school and you enjoy playing with the
1556kids around you friendships built on
1557circumstance might be when you become
1558friends with people you work with for
1559not free choice you're just doing the
1560same room all day but friendships built
1561on goodness or when you just want really
1562good things for the other person we're
1563helping them out it's something you want
1564to do because it makes you feel great so
1565it's no surprise that friendships built
1566on goodness are the ones that last the
1567longest they're the most authentic
1568friendships so what I'd like to do now
1569is introduce you to some techniques that
1570you can use to create really strong
1571relationships with people because it's
1572great meeting people it's quite starting
1573conversations up with people but turning
1574them into something where a strong
1575relationship is formed between you and
1576that person is everything so I'm going
1577to introduce you to four really
1578important levers that will control your
1579ability to connect with others and once
1580we've looked at those levers I'm going
1581to show you an example of putting them
1582into practice and just what effect that
1583can have so without further ado let's
1584move on very few people will ever be
1585aware of the four external tools or
1586levers that control your ability to
1587connect with others in the world I'm
1588gonna break down what these four levers
1589offer you right now and also show you
1590how to apply them to conversation so
1591that you can connect with people on your
1592own terms when you want and how you want
1593these are very powerful so please use
1594them wisely
1595before levers a time space energy and
1596matter let's start with the first one
1597time so let me start over question how
1598do you know when you've got somebody's
1599attention well the answer is your eyes
1600are locked on them and their eyes are
1601locked on you so when you have eye
1602contact you have attention the longer
1603you have eye contact with somebody the
1604stronger your connection will build and
1605you can have eye contact in a
1606conversation or you can have eye contact
1607in no conversation at all you can just
1608be sitting in silence
1609but the more time you spend in this
1610level of interaction in other words
1611facing somebody and interacting with
1612them the more you'll connect so if you
1613took two people and put them in a room
1614for three hours they would connect more
1615than if you just put them in a room for
1616one hour however time does not
1617necessarily run linearly if you broke
1618the same amount of time up into smaller
1619chunks over a longer period for example
1620half an hour over six weeks which is
1621still three hours just spread out the
1622same two people would connect on a much
1623more deeper level the reason is people
1624connect not when they're together but
1625when they're apart when they're together
1626their minds are just simply gathering
1627information that they can then process
1628when they're apart which is why when two
1629people are together for three hours
1630they're still connect because their mind
1631has got lots and lots of information to
1632go through when they do eventually part
1633ways this is when their subconscious
1634mind gets a moment to process the other
1635person it gets time to drink them in and
1636it gets time to have everything sink in
1637about that person so when they see them
1638again after a short period or a short
1639time away then it's almost like they get
1640a second dose and then a third dose and
1641so forth so this phenomena is called
1642time fractionation and its effect is
1643cumulative you may have had experience
1644of it yourself when you connect with
1645people at work because you see them
1646every single day over a period of time
1647you find yourself hanging out and
1648becoming friends with them so to make
1649the lever of time work for you follow
1650the adage of little and often in other
1651words break up meetings if you can into
1652several smaller parts if you can see
1653somebody several times over the space of
1654a day it's going to be much more
1655powerful than just seeing them once for
1656example if you're having a date with
1657somebody and you really want it to go
1658well break the day up into two separate
1659parts break the date up into a morning
1660date and an afternoon date after all
1661it's a lot more fun but also you'll
1662connect on a much more deep level use
1663opportunities to connect with people as
1664well so for example if there's somebody
1665in your office you really want to
1666connect with stop by and say hello to
1667them every single morning you'll find
1668this happens anyway in offices and
1669workplaces where people will say hello
1670to one another they build up these
1671little connections almost out of nothing
1672but because of time fractionation a
1673great example is
1674if you're walking down the street and
1675you see your neighbor and you say hello
1676to them every single morning but the
1677conversation doesn't go any further than
1678that
1679you'll still connect on a very subtle
1680level because it is repetition that goes
1681on over time so really make a point to
1682maximize your moments with everyone in
1683your existing social circle if you want
1684to strengthen those relationships check
1685in with them as much as you can visit
1686them on their birthdays
1687pick up the phone speak to them
1688unfortunately it doesn't count if you do
1689it online it has to be face to face or
1690voice to voice likewise if you're in an
1691environment where you want to connect
1692with somebody maximize your moments with
1693them too so for example if you're in a
1694nightclub and you really want to connect
1695with people open doors for them say
1696hello to them when they're at the bar
1697strike up conversation again when
1698they're sitting down at a table talk to
1699them again when they're outside what
1700this starts doing is creating the effect
1701that you're like old friends rather than
1702new acquaintances the second connection
1703lever is space if you put two people in
1704a room for a period of time they're
1705connect on some level however if you sit
1706them close to each other or change the
1707background or do both they connect even
1708faster so your ability to be aware of
1709space and manipulate space can determine
1710how quickly you connect with others the
1711concept of space as a connection lever
1712has two aspects to it first of all
1713there's background or environmental
1714space which is the setting you're in and
1715second of all there's proximity space
1716for example if you hold out your hands
1717in front of you and make an imaginary
1718ring around you we often call that space
1719our personal space that's because we
1720only allow friends and family and people
1721we trust into that area that's usually
1722not many people so let's first look at
1723background space if you meet somebody in
1724one setting for example you meet them in
1725a park the space around you is green and
1726lush and it's an interesting background
1727now if you meet them the same person
1728later on in a nightclub then the
1729background is completely different
1730there's lights the sound and the
1731environment is completely different to
1732the one you previously met so space is
1733very powerful in creating different
1734backdrops for you and that other person
1735the reason is in their mind when they
1736process you they look back and consider
1737you amongst their friends why because
1738their friends are people that they've
1739met over time and also over space
1740they've seen them in lots of different
1741backgrounds so if you can put people
1742into lots of
1743from backgrounds you'll connect with
1744them very quickly for example if you're
1745getting onto a plane you're first of all
1746at the airport then you go through all
1747the security checks and whatnot and then
1748you finally get on your plane there's
1749lots of different mini environments that
1750you go through so if you're talking to
1751somebody and you meet them in terminal
1752walking for into security changes the
1753background meeting them again in one of
1754the shops changes the background changes
1755the space talking to them on the plane
1756again changes the space connecting with
1757them afterwards as you're going to pick
1758up your bags on the other side again
1759there's a space changes as a background
1760change so this is how you use space to
1761your advantage if you're going on a date
1762with somebody try and see them in as
1763many different locations as you can
1764likewise if you want to meet and connect
1765with somebody like a business partner or
1766a new colleague try and meet them in as
1767many different locations as you can meet
1768them in a coffee shop then go to a park
1769then go for a walk somewhere this will
1770create space compression and it will
1771allow you to connect much more quickly
1772than you would have done this is why
1773people who meet in the same environment
1774week after week for example a yoga class
1775only form light level of connection
1776because they've only got one lever
1777working on their side they've only got
1778time working on the side as soon as you
1779move people out of that environment into
1780a different location so for example you
1781invite someone from a yoga class to a
1782coffee then the background is completely
1783different then the connection of space
1784can really come into play now here's an
1785interesting side note about this
1786phenomena the further apart the
1787backgrounds are geographically the
1788stronger the space connection when it
1789happens so in other words if you see
1790somebody in one area one country for
1791example then meet them again in a
1792completely different country you'll
1793connect really strongly a friend of mine
1794was backpacking through the northern
1795territories of Australia they were in
1796the middle of nowhere when this car I
1797think it was the second one they'd seen
1798in two days
1799sped by the driver slammed on his brakes
1800and yelled out Smitty
1801it turns out they both knew each other
1802from back home in England so they
1803traveled 11,000 miles or there abouts
1804and here they were on the other side of
1805the world as you can imagine that
1806created huge amounts of space
1807compression and they connected on a
1808deeper level than what they would have
1809done if they just met each other in
1810their hometown in a different background
1811so let's look at the idea of spacial
1812proximity the space around you
1813is your own personal area and if anyone
1814stands in it who's not invited to it can
1815feel very uncomfortable likewise if you
1816stand in anyone elses space and you
1817haven't been invited it can make them
1818feel very uncomfortable this phenomena
1819is actually played out around the world
1820on busy subway and train carriages when
1821the carriage is empty everyone tries to
1822sit down office as far apart and as far
1823away from one another as they can then
1824as the seats become occupied and even
1825the standing areas become occupied
1826people get literally squeezed together
1827so someone's nose ends up in someone's
1828armpit now they wouldn't be doing that
1829if there was more space available for
1830them to spread out however when you are
1831pushed into someone's proximity like
1832that
1833you do start to connect there's an
1834invisible timer that starts ticking away
1835now how you can use this powerfully is
1836let's say you're in a cafe and you want
1837to talk to somebody next to you if you
1838talk to them straight away as soon as
1839you sit down you're not really letting
1840the power of spacial proximity play in
1841your favor it's actually better to stay
1842there for a little bit let the invisible
1843timer tick away because you'll slowly
1844start building connection up with that
1845other person even if no words have been
1846said the reason is you're basically
1847saying to each other on a very
1848subconscious level hey I'm no threat to
1849you and you'll know for it to me look
1850we're in the same space together and
1851there's no harm being done however most
1852people when they sit in silence with
1853someone else feel very awkward and then
1854their chatterbox comes on in their mind
1855and says no you can't talk to the person
1856next to you because you've been sat in
1857silence all this time it's absolute junk
1858the longer you're sat in silence for
1859somebody potentially the more
1860comfortable you can become and if you
1861want to see an example of this let's say
1862you need to borrow a pen or you need to
1863find out the time for somebody you're
1864more likely to ask the person who's been
1865sitting near you longer than the person
1866who's just arrived the reason because
1867you feel more comfortable with them
1868because you've both been occupying the
1869same space for the same period of time
1870so spacial proximity comes with a
1871warning you don't want to occupy
1872people's spaces without being invited to
1873do so and a really good way to develop
1874your calibration skills with this in
1875other words your ability to do it whilst
1876making them feel comfortable is to
1877become more bodily aware more spatially
1878aware and the fastest way to do this is
1879to take partner dancing classes in other
1880words any form of dance where you're
1881dancing with a partner and they're close
1882to you you'll get a very quick idea of
1883what's comfortable and what's not you
1884also get to experience the sensation of
1885when you do stand in someone space how
1886it may feel uncomfortable to begin with
1887and eventually that gives way to a
1888heightened level of comfort so these are
1889order of phenomena that you can play
1890with and ballroom dancing tango dancing
1891and swing dancing or wonderful ways to
1892experience this in a very safe
1893environment as well as for sitting in
1894silence when somebody comes down and
1895sits next to you that's when you really
1896want to focus on being present so you'll
1897remember the exercise I gave you in the
1898previous module about just centering
1899yourself and being in the present moment
1900by focusing on your visual awareness
1901your auditory awareness and also how
1902your body feels your kinesthetic
1903awareness and what that can do is turn
1904off your chatterbox always create the
1905best opportunities go and sit next to
1906where other people are sitting when you
1907walk into empty rooms empty carriages
1908empty anywhere go to where the other
1909people are it may feel a little bit
1910uncomfortable to begin with but just
1911start building that habit up because
1912what that does is it acts as an amazing
1913precursor just to launch into
1914conversation in fact when you stand in
1915somebody space or somebody stands in
1916your space that can be a great trigger
1917to start a conversation as well because
1918somebody's standing in your space is
1919almost a subconscious way of them saying
1920hey talk to me and if you do their
1921subconscious will backwards rationalized
1922that they meant for you to talk to them
1923otherwise they would have stood in your
1924space have a think about that one anyway
1925have fun with it the third connection
1926lever is emotion emotions are the life
1927force of connection and time and space
1928really allow the capacity for emotions
1929to be shared between two people or a
1930group of people now the more emotions
1931you share with somebody the stronger
1932your connection will be it's almost like
1933they're piano keys that sit above the
1934conversation the more of those keys you
1935push down or the more access to those
1936keys you have the greater and the more
1937depth the music will have that you will
1938create between you and that person if
1939you're just hitting one or two keys in
1940other words just expressing one or two
1941emotions throughout the conversation
1942then you're not going to connect very
1943deeply really good friends and people
1944that have known each other for a long
1945period of time have access to a lot of
1946keys they have experienced and shared a
1947lot of emotions with one another they've
1948experienced happiness
1949joy they've experienced peace stillness
1950they've also experienced negative
1951emotions like jealousy anger and upset
1952and it's full spectrum of emotions is
1953how people connect on a very deep level
1954you may know of couples who are always
1955fighting all the time and then seem to
1956make up and get on really well and you
1957may think how on earth does their
1958relationship work well part of the
1959secret is that they're feeling this wide
1960range of emotions so what's the best way
1961to share emotions with somebody what's
1962the best way to trigger an emotion in
1963them that's a very simple answer you
1964always go first if you want something to
1965feel joyful feel joyful yourself as well
1966and if you want them to be at peace be
1967at peace yourself this is because what
1968you feel will come out in your body
1969language in your vocal talent see it
1970will come out in all the micro movements
1971that you have no real conscious control
1972of but your subconscious is taken care
1973of so how you manufacture that is you
1974feel the feelings you want others to
1975fill it will naturally radiate out of
1976you now if you're starting out i really
1977suggest you make people feel positive
1978emotions because the world needs more
1979happy people and positive emotions are
1980in short supply
1981however when I'm working with my
1982advanced clients are also suggests they
1983play around with the idea of introducing
1984negative emotions which sounds a bit
1985naughty but again this is to create that
1986full spectral range of emotion with the
1987other person and let me give you an
1988example of this a couple of years ago I
1989was at a barbecue one summer and I met
1990lots of really cool people there and one
1991girl stood out in particular she was
1992lots of fun anyhow a few days later I
1993was walking through Green Park in London
1994and who did I see but her sitting with
1995her friends underneath a tree now rather
1996than just going up and saying hello
1997whatever possessed me I'm not sure I
1998decided to creep up behind this tree and
1999just leap out and give her a bit of a
2000scare I have no idea why but it seemed
2001like a wonderful idea at the time
2002unfortunately the plan worked too well I
2003hadn't realized but in one hand she was
2004holding a glass of wine and in the other
2005a chicken sandwich both of them flew up
2006in the air simultaneously the wine
2007smashing against the tree the chicken
2008sandwich
2009landing in a sorry state on the grass
2010and rolling out rather pathetically for
2011her shocked friends to see who by now
2012were looking at me down their noses but
2013that was the least of my worries
2014thus we cower I remembered had now
2015changed her ice had narrowed and she
2016said snarling through her teeth
2017oh very funny Marcus haha that's my
2018lunch you've ruined it her friends took
2019this as a cue to touch
2020I said look don't worry I'll fix this
2021eyeballing little piece of chicken that
2022was laying on the grass and the two
2023separate pieces of bread either side of
2024it I'll go and get you a new sandwich
2025and I'll sort out the wine as well
2026she was fuming and she was angry as I
2027left I decided just to lean back and
2028whisper something in her ear and I said
2029hey if your friends weren't here right
2030now would you have secretly picked up
2031that chicken and put the sandwich back
2032together and eating it anyway she
2033laughed and she hit me because we both
2034knew the truth she would have eaten that
2035sandwich anyhow I'd made her fill
2036several completely different emotions
2037first to experience fear when I jumped
2038out from behind the tree then anger when
2039I knocked the sandwich out of a hand and
2040the glass of wine and then laughter when
2041I secretly drew attention to her
2042questionable eating habits as soon as
2043she laughed her friends released that
2044iron stare that was set upon me and I
2045sat down with them and really had a
2046great afternoon chatting to them all and
2047getting to find out a lot more about
2048them she became a very dear friend to me
2049and over the years we've had lots of
2050adventures together including the one
2051where I woke up in a rock stars hot tub
2052inebriated at two o'clock in the morning
2053and surrounded by beautiful women but
2054that's another story
2055beyond this training however what I do
2056want to draw your attention to is the
2057power of sharing emotions with people
2058the key thing I want to drill in is that
2059you have to go first if you want other
2060people to fill emotions be the person
2061decides what they are the second thing
2062I'd like to drill in is it doesn't
2063matter if you make somebody feel a
2064negative emotion you can always turn it
2065round but this requires persistence and
2066a little bit of tenacity to do
2067effectively the third thing I'd like you
2068to consider is that the more playful and
2069silly and the more fun you have in
2070expressing yourself the more you're
2071going to do this naturally anyway it's
2072also good to be aware of the environment
2073around you if the environment is charged
2074with emotional energy for example a
2075nightclub or conversely a beach
2076somewhere where the vibe is really good
2077that's going to work in your favor
2078likewise if it
2079charged with really negative energy like
2080a dark forest or somewhere a bit spooky
2081that's also potentially gonna work
2082against you so it's good to be aware of
2083the emotional energy of the environments
2084that you're in it's for this reason that
2085I think amusement parks make the best
2086places to go on dates there's such a
2087mixture of emotion going on around you
2088but also places to fill the positive
2089emotion of excitement and a negative
2090emotion of fear all combined in one
2091place also have lots of different
2092spatial backgrounds that compresses the
2093experience even further now to master
2094emotions you need to master your own
2095mind and a really good place to start
2096with that is to take on the seven-day
2097positivity challenge all you need is an
2098elastic band
2099stick that on your left wrist of your
2100left hand now aim to go seven days about
2101having a single negative thought come up
2102in your mind if it does you have one
2103second to flip it around and make it
2104positive if you don't you have to snap
2105the band now I know this hurts a bit but
2106it will remind you to keep your thoughts
2107in check see how you feel after seven
2108days I guarantee you'll be in a state
2109where you're exuding really positive
2110emotions type that influence others very
2111quickly and very powerfully the fourth
2112connection lever is matter being able to
2113change and manipulate anything in the
2114world around you with another person is
2115very powerful in connecting you in that
2116person the reason is it creates a
2117lasting imprint of your time together
2118and there's two key ways to do this the
2119first is to build something from scratch
2120in other words create something in the
2121world out of the resources that already
2122exists move the matter around in some
2123way you can do that in a very small
2124scale for example making a meal together
2125with somebody or you can do on a larger
2126scale designing a garden together as
2127long as you are creating a project where
2128you're both investing your time and
2129effort into the same project you're
2130effectively manipulating matter in a way
2131that will connect you far more closely
2132because you're being able to focus your
2133ideas into one area another examples of
2134this include designing an event together
2135building something with somebody for
2136example office furniture setting
2137something up like that painting and
2138making a picture together even making a
2139shopping list to the store is a very
2140effective way of beginning this process
2141now this can also be done on a
2142metaphysical level if you want
2143share ideas with one another that's a
2144great way of moving matter about
2145although the matter hasn't been created
2146yet in the external world so for example
2147discussing how you'd best survive a
2148zombie apocalypse or what your favorite
2149superhero characters from different
2150franchises would do if they met each
2151other will help you to connect with that
2152person a second way to manipulate matter
2153is to change the direction in somebody's
2154life specifically through helping them
2155with a challenge or even having them
2156help you for a challenge so any
2157situation where you have to overcome an
2158obstacle will create a connection
2159between you and that other person and
2160that may be as simple as doing something
2161like working out together and training
2162or it may be something more dramatic for
2163example like climbing a mountain
2164together but in terms of everyday use
2165you'd see this most often when you're
2166trying to solve a problem for somebody
2167as soon as you do that and invest in
2168that person's problem and removing it
2169then you're manipulating matter by
2170removing either physical mental or
2171spiritual blocks that are in their path
2172which creates a sense of cooperation
2173between you both now you'll know when
2174you're using the connection lever of
2175Mato because your vocabulary with other
2176people will change when you're in their
2177presence for example you may find
2178yourself starting to use words like we
2179let's and us and these are the phrases
2180that people use who are very close with
2181one another if you sprinkle these
2182phrases into your conversation you can
2183prematurely create that phenomenon in
2184fact you can accelerate your level of
2185connection by implying that you already
2186share a familiarity between you both so
2187for example instead of saying I need to
2188move these boxes can you give me a hand
2189say we should move these boxes or let's
2190move these boxes or even these boxes
2191will be no problem for us to move so
2192with that in mind I'd like you to try
2193sprinkling one of those three phrases
2194into your next conversation and seeing
2195what happens so just to bring everything
2196back into a review we've looked at the
2197four levers of connection time space
2198energy and matter now let's look at how
2199we can apply those to two different
2200scenarios
2201the first being somebody you'd like to
2202connect with at a networking event the
2203second being a date you'd like to hit it
2204off with so let's start by imagining
2205you're walking into a busy networking
2206environment lots of people are talking
2207to each other and it's crowded there in
2208small little groups
2209not really sure what to do where to go
2210the first lever to use here is energy
2211point to somebody and say you look
2212friendly then introduce yourself find
2213out a little bit about them if you're
2214really good ask them what goal they're
2215working towards in life and ask them
2216what challenges they're facing right now
2217as well exchange your details and take
2218their business card by the way I always
2219make a point of looking at people's
2220business cards before you put them in
2221your pocket or your wallet it's very
2222smooth and just shows a real courtesy to
2223the other person now as you may have
2224guessed somebody did that to me once and
2225I was really touched by that gesture
2226hence I stole it now your job is to
2227steal it from me you have my permission
2228now the most crucial step in networking
2229with others is the follow up call so
2230make sure you give that person a call
2231the next day ideally arrange to meet
2232them for a coffee or for lunch
2233you're now utilizing the connection
2234leaver of time they've had chance to
2235process you and make sense of your
2236conversation and take it in on a
2237subconscious level meeting them on
2238another day allows the sensation of
2239connection between you both to be
2240compressed choose a location that's
2241ideally unfamiliar to you both so you'll
2242have a new background this is where you
2243employ the lever of space because
2244business networking is usually very
2245formal don't trouble yourself with
2246sitting too close or occupying their
2247personal space beyond the handshake
2248finally listen to them and find out any
2249project that they're working on that you
2250can contribute to as well if you can you
2251would have hit all four connection
2252levers and you'll find you have done all
2253the groundwork to form a very strong
2254bond with that person so now let's look
2255at applying those four connection levers
2256to a blind date
2257choose somewhere that's fun and has a
2258great energy for example mini-golf is
2259ideal this way you'll benefit from the
2260vibe that's already in the air and throw
2261the connection lever down for emotional
2262energy as you meet your day have fun
2263free your arms around them big smile on
2264your face really project a real positive
2265vibe of course as you're playing mini
2266golf cheat be a bit naughty push down as
2267many of those emotional piano keys as
2268you possibly can towards the end of the
2269date change locations go to a different
2270environment for example a nearby cafe as
2271you find a table and sit down sit next
2272to your date it may feel a little bit
2273uncomfortable at first but what it will
2274do is it will use the connection leave
2275of space on your side you're now in
2276their proximity and this is the area
2277that's usually reserved for really close
2278friends and lovers at the end of your
2279coffee
2280make a really bold suggestion ask them
2281if they'd like to go on a second date
2282later that evening if they've already
2283had a great time with you it's likely
2284that they'll say yes provided they've
2285got a free schedule arranged to meet
2286them later so you can benefit from the
2287connection lever of time they can drink
2288you in and really have a think about you
2289in their time apart from you so when you
2290do see them again later the connection
2291lever of time has been thrown down again
2292choose somewhere really fun so you can
2293benefit from all the emotional energy
2294I'd suggest bowling which is awesome
2295because it provides a really interesting
2296background and again there's lots of
2297energy flying around but now you have
2298the power of spatial connection coming
2299into play play your game and afterwards
2300head towards a bar or pool table partner
2301up and play another couple now you're
2302using the connection lever of matter and
2303working together on a project in this
2304case defeating your archenemies the
2305rival pool players it doesn't matter if
2306you win or lose because you're working
2307together on something in a very short
2308space of time you would have flipped all
2309four connection levers and again created
2310the foundations for a very strong
2311connection to formed between you and
2312date
2313[Music]
2314
2315
2316
2317
2318[Music]
2319so I'm optimistic that by now you're
2320starting to see the power these four
2321connection levers in practice your job
2322is to think about how you can apply them
2323to the conversations you're having to
2324the people you're meeting in everyday
2325life so here's a quick story for you as
2326you may remember from the previous
2327module if you say yes to opportunities
2328that cross your path you can take you to
2329some very unusual and unexpected places
2330it can also help you meet some very
2331interesting people - a couple of weeks
2332ago a friend of mine asked for my advice
2333on shooting a video which is something
2334to have a little bit of experience about
2335you'll remember from the previous module
2336it's useful to have a skill or two under
2337your belt so I said yes traveled into
2338London and met up with her while I was
2339there a guy walked in with a camera this
2340was the guy he was gonna film the videos
2341and instantly I was struck by what an
2342interesting guy he was he just had a
2343really nice demeanor about him something
2344I couldn't quite put my finger on but he
2345was a guy I wanted to get to know more
2346about and this situation presented me
2347with a great opportunity to connect with
2348someone new as he walked into the room I
2349was sitting down and leafing through a
2350book and as soon as I saw him I stood up
2351walked over to him and shook his hand
2352and introduced myself if I'm sitting
2353down and I meet somebody new or somebody
2354is presented to me I always stand up and
2355shake their hand I think it's really
2356nice to stand up and shake somebody's
2357hand and it's a trait I picked up from a
2358very charming German friend of mine
2359called Bastian and you know it's worth
2360mentioning I always still there's all
2361charming behaviors like this from other
2362people it's the best way to learn them
2363so whenever I encounter anyone who
2364behaves in a way or does something that
2365makes me feel positive and upbeat
2366emotion I usually look at what behavior
2367they've done to cause that because I'll
2368know I'll be able to replicate that same
2369feeling almost like a magic button and
2370if you can make people fill emotions
2371especially positive emotions it gives
2372you a lot more maneuverability and power
2373in the conversation so for example I met
2374a car mechanic once who always winked
2375when he shook hands with me and I really
2376liked that trait it gave me like a warm
2377fuzzy feeling so as soon as I saw that I
2378went and tried it out myself I adopted
2379it and started winking when I was
2380shaking other people's hands now what
2381you'll find when you do this is some
2382behaviors you can mimic and take from
2383other people and it will sit very well
2384on your shoulders
2385however others may make you feel like a
2386nice positive feeling but they won't sit
2387as well on your shoulders so feel free
2388to discard those an example of that is I
2389found when I meet people and they air
2390kiss me and if I try air kissing people
2391it just doesn't feel right but you know
2392what try everything out a few times
2393because you may find some real gems and
2394this is a very good way to develop your
2395personality in a very constructive
2396positive way anyhow let's get back to
2397this story as soon as I shook his hand
2398we exchanged some pleasantries I asked
2399him how he was doing he asked me how my
2400day was going and so forth
2401this is your remember it's called Phatak
2402speech and this is just every day small
2403talk this is great because it just
2404starts the conversation up and gets it
2405going but the important thing to
2406remember is to break out of fatigue
2407speech so I kept my hands together and
2408offered to make him a drink because I
2409was just on my way to the kitchen now he
2410didn't take me up on the offer for a cup
2411of tea right there and then because he
2412was busy unpacking all his camera
2413equipment and a lot of the equipment he
2414bought I'd never really seen before so I
2415was really curious I'm always keen to
2416learn new things and when I haven't seen
2417anything that's when I start making
2418statements and asking questions in other
2419words I start showing an interest in
2420what that other person's doing so as he
2421was pulling out all these exotic lamps
2422for the lighting of the shoe or just
2423asking him everyday questions about them
2424for example where does this light go and
2425what do you use this one for or that
2426looks expensive
2427don't drop it in other words I was just
2428exercising a real childlike enthusiasm
2429for what he was doing in my mind there
2430were no dumb questions even though some
2431of those questions are really simple and
2432the comments were really playful and
2433what I'm always looking for is the other
2434person to start talking back to start
2435investing their time more into the
2436conversation which is what he began to
2437do as he was setting up the equipment he
2438asked me about my interest in
2439photography and I told him the short
2440amusing story of how I'd enrolled in a
2441prestigious photography College for a
2442single day unfortunately I found out I
2443wasn't very good at taking pictures
2444nevertheless this allowed the
2445conversation to continue even further
2446and we had a bit of a chuckle from that
2447then the shoot progressed and we moved
2448into a different room and started
2449filming as the filming got underway we
2450didn't talk too much more because we
2451were both focusing on our own individual
2452tasks however in the break times I took
2453the opportunity to find out a bit more
2454about him he mentioned that he only
2455really did filming
2456to pay the bills and it wasn't really
2457his passion now I know from experience
2458that most people's jobs are usually not
2459their passion so I asked him what his
2460was and to my surprise he told me it was
2461boxing now when I heard this my ears
2462pricked up because it's not every day
2463you meet somebody who's really
2464passionate about a specific sport that
2465isn't soccer basketball or baseball in
2466this case I'd not really met anyone
2467recently who was super passionate about
2468boxing especially since MMA mixed
2469martial arts has taken over
2470rather than gorilla him with a series of
2471questions to find out more about him I
2472decided to use the technique of going
2473first and revealed a bit about my
2474passion now as a side note here's a
2475quick fact about me one of my passions
2476in life is drawing cartoons and attended
2477into a bit of a skill so that's what I
2478used for the conversation so I said to
2479him wow you really are into boxing
2480that's fantastic I'm actually really
2481into cartooning and I got into drawing
2482cartoons when I was really young
2483I'm just curious did you start off with
2484boxing in the same way did you get into
2485it when you were really young when you
2486do that and you reveal a bit about
2487yourself before asking a question it
2488encourages the other person to open up
2489and give you a much longer answer so for
2490example if you met somebody and you
2491wanted to find out where they were going
2492on holiday tell them a bit about your
2493plans for your holiday this year first
2494so for example say hey I'm just about to
2495fly out to Japan and see Tokyo and Kyoto
2496have you got any plans to travel this
2497year you'll get a much more authentic
2498and deeper answer from them rather than
2499just them saying Magaluf plus if they're
2500not as good at having conversations as
2501you are you're giving them extra topics
2502that they can then seize upon so they
2503don't have to run out of things to say
2504and can still invest in your
2505conversation in this case by asking you
2506about your trip to Japan anyhow let's
2507get back to the story so I asked him how
2508he got started in boxing whoever he
2509started when he was very young he told
2510me that he came from a family of boxing
2511fans and had followed in their footsteps
2512he told me about how he trained and by
2513this stage had plenty to talk about by
2514nima of Warren because then the
2515conversation took another direction he
2516added that his greatest passion of all
2517was combining boxing with the filming of
2518photography that he was doing now it
2519turns out he went to film boxing matches
2520and made amazing videos based on them
2521his face just lit up as he was telling
2522me this and it's really good by the way
2523to look out for people's faces changing
2524in a really positive way if they're
2525smart
2526they're talking to you you know you're
2527onto the good stuff likewise if their
2528face drops it's usually time to change
2529the subject so I really want to
2530encourage you to be aware of the visual
2531cues people are giving you when you ask
2532them questions what their face is doing
2533is usually telling you everything that's
2534going on inside their mind and if
2535they're thinking about negative stuff it
2536will show on their face so get them into
2537a positive mood change the topics of
2538conversation you know you can interject
2539a new conversation topic by saying
2540something like oh that reminds me
2541actually and then ask a new question
2542anyway he was telling me about the
2543electric environment of filming these
2544events and then putting these videos
2545that he'd made onto the internet so he'd
2546set up a Facebook page to showcase his
2547work and his Facebook page was really
2548popular and got a lot of attention in
2549fact his videos were so good they were
2550getting millions of views and his a fact
2551when somebody has a passion and they're
2552not doing it full-time there's usually a
2553reason in the way that stopping them a
2554hurdle your job is to find out what that
2555hurdle is as quickly as possible so why
2556aren't you doing this full-time I asked
2557him what's stopping you doing it his
2558gaze changed and he said well you know
2559what it is people love watching my
2560videos and I get great feedback but I
2561don't really know how to turn them into
2562something that makes money so I could do
2563this as a full-time job the only idea I
2564can come up with is putting advertising
2565on the videos and that's the last thing
2566I want to do because it really goes
2567against the spirit of what I stand for
2568as I listen to his problem I had to
2569think about how I could help him and I
2570put some time into brainstorming some
2571ideas that would solve it in other words
2572coming up with the solution of making
2573boxing merchandise for the boxing fans
2574who were coming to his channel but
2575really that didn't solve the problem it
2576didn't strike a chord with him I could
2577see it in his face so I did the next
2578thing I could think of I thought about
2579all the people I knew who were
2580entrepreneurs and in similar situations
2581to him all the people I meet whenever I
2582start conversations with people I'm
2583always curious about them and curious
2584about what they do I've met many
2585entrepreneurs during that time and even
2586a few business coaches so I look to him
2587and I said hey don't worry I know a guy
2588this is a phrase I love being after tell
2589people I know a guy I know someone who
2590can solve your problem because what this
2591does is it instantly connects to people
2592who have never met to one another
2593and leaves you better off as well a
2594friend of mine runs a really successful
2595Facebook page that's allowed him to quit
2596his job and do it full-time so I thought
2597how about I put these guys in contact of
2598each other
2599the boxing cameraman is gonna be really
2600grateful because he's gonna have someone
2601who understands his problem to talk to
2602and the guy who's living this lifestyle
2603and doing what he already does is gonna
2604have a new associate to deal with so
2605they're both going to be grateful for
2606the introduction I've given and it's
2607required no time on my part it's in this
2608way that you can introduce people from
2609one part of your social circle to
2610another part and in doing so strengthen
2611the relationship between all three of
2612you in the process so although I hadn't
2613solved the guys problem right there and
2614then I had given him the opportunity to
2615do so in the short term and this made
2616him really happy in fact he shook my
2617hand and said ah this is going to be
2618great I have a really good feeling about
2619this so instantly I now connected to him
2620on a deeper level than what I had been
2621five minutes previous I'd looked at his
2622problem and come up with a solution and
2623you know what it doesn't matter if you
2624do come up with the solution just
2625investing some of your time to try and
2626help them can go a very long way and
2627even better investing someone else's
2628time and then being really happy for it
2629in this case introducing two people with
2630one another can absolutely leverage your
2631social circle so what happens there is
2632they're both really grateful and they
2633will want to reciprocate that
2634reciprocation principle starts coming
2635into play and what that does is when you
2636need a favor from somebody they're going
2637to be much more likely to help you out
2638because you've gone first you've taken
2639the time to help solve their problem and
2640they usually be at your disposal a lot
2641more now it's good to do this because it
2642feels good to help people out and
2643sometimes you get nice advantages come
2644from it as I continue to talk to him I
2645later found out that he was perhaps one
2646of the most connected people in the
2647boxing world that I'd ever met he'd been
2648on the phone that morning to wladimir
2649klitschko just to have a catch up so
2650here was a guy who had his own very huge
2651social circle and this is the next level
2652of social circle mastery getting access
2653to other people's social circles because
2654you're helping them out all the time so
2655whenever I need front-row seats to a
2656boxing match you can guess who I'm gonna
2657be calling up likewise if I meet anyone
2658who's after seats for a really good
2659boxing match and I want to help them out
2660then I know a guy in fact I know a guy
2661who's going to be grateful for my call
2662and he's going to
2663want to help me out because I've already
2664helped him out I've already gone first
2665and this is where it becomes loads of
2666fun you introduce people to other people
2667it doesn't take any of your time and
2668some of your social circle expands to
2669the point where you're walking into
2670nightclubs without having to line up
2671you're getting business class upgrades
2672and you're moving through life in a way
2673that other people aren't and it's all
2674from your attitude your ability to want
2675to help people to use your skills to
2676solve their problems to have fun with
2677them to serve them and see what you can
2678do to help them out without crossing
2679your boundaries to put yourself in
2680situations that create new opportunities
2681by saying yes to listen to them to be
2682persistent with your kindness but also
2683to forgive them if they don't appreciate
2684it what this does is it creates a
2685lifestyle for you that provides
2686abundance in spades and I want you to
2687now go and put all these techniques into
2688practice this is a lifelong pursuit but
2689have fun with it
2690your first goal after finishing this
2691module is to think how can I help the
2692person who's in front of me right now
2693there's got to be something you can do
2694that's gonna add to their day in some
2695small or big way and whatever that is go
2696and put it into practice magic happens
2697when you do that and I want you to live
2698a wonderful and magical life you have
2699the tools now go out there and do it
2700[Music]