tTCV8GwL

11
200:00:10,333 --> 00:00:19,333
3akumenang.com
4
52
600:00:23,291 --> 00:00:24,750
7[footsteps echoing]
8
93
1000:00:27,041 --> 00:00:28,833
11[man] I don't know who I am.
12
134
1400:00:32,625 --> 00:00:35,083
15Not just a story of who I am,
16but who I really am.
17
185
1900:00:35,208 --> 00:00:36,041
20[inhales]
21
226
2300:00:37,375 --> 00:00:38,416
24[exhales]
25
267
2700:00:38,833 --> 00:00:41,125
28The real... me.
29
308
3100:00:45,250 --> 00:00:46,208
32[chair dragging]
33
349
3500:00:46,541 --> 00:00:48,541
36[breathes deeply]
37
3810
3900:00:49,083 --> 00:00:50,750
40I've been silent for 20 years.
41
4211
4300:00:52,958 --> 00:00:54,333
44Twenty years!
45
4612
4700:00:55,583 --> 00:00:56,541
48Of hiding.
49
5013
5100:00:57,125 --> 00:00:59,333
52I should have stood by him,
53I should have helped him.
54
5514
5600:00:59,416 --> 00:01:01,791
57We should have done everything together,
58as twins.
59
6015
6100:01:01,875 --> 00:01:03,541
62We're identical twins. Bonded.
63
6416
6500:01:04,291 --> 00:01:06,791
66And this thing was so strong
67that it broke us off.
68
6917
7000:01:07,000 --> 00:01:08,250
71It broke us apart.
72
7318
7400:01:08,541 --> 00:01:09,875
75[breathes deeply]
76
7719
7800:01:10,458 --> 00:01:13,375
79[man 2] The secrets I need answers to
80are in Marcus's head.
81
8220
8300:01:14,791 --> 00:01:16,333
84But they're deep in his head.
85
8621
8700:01:17,833 --> 00:01:19,833
88So it would almost seem
89
9022
9100:01:19,916 --> 00:01:20,958
92reckless
93
9423
9500:01:21,750 --> 00:01:25,291
96in terms of whatever we're gonna find
97when we open the box.
98
9924
10000:01:26,166 --> 00:01:28,500
101It's Pandora's box.
102You either open it or you don't.
103
10425
10500:01:30,416 --> 00:01:31,583
106But... [exhales]
107
10826
10900:01:32,416 --> 00:01:35,083
110will it help me? It's a chance.
111
11227
11300:01:36,750 --> 00:01:38,500
114It's a chance I'm prepared to take.
115
11628
11700:01:38,583 --> 00:01:40,583
118[engines revving]
119
12029
12100:01:44,833 --> 00:01:46,125
122-[glass shatters]
123-[tire squealing]
124
12530
12600:01:46,208 --> 00:01:49,541
127[loud bang, motorcycle screeches]
128
12931
13000:01:57,083 --> 00:01:59,166
131[music fades out]
132
13332
13400:02:03,000 --> 00:02:05,500
135[hospital machine high pitched ringing]
136
13733
13800:02:07,833 --> 00:02:10,000
139[heart rate whooshing]
140
14134
14200:02:12,666 --> 00:02:13,791
143[man 2] I-- I woke up.
144
14535
14600:02:16,166 --> 00:02:18,041
147I remember opening my eyes
148
14936
15000:02:18,375 --> 00:02:20,041
151and looking around the room,
152
15337
15400:02:21,041 --> 00:02:23,916
155trying to take in where I am.
156
15738
15800:02:24,000 --> 00:02:26,000
159[slurping]
160
16139
16200:02:32,791 --> 00:02:36,666
163I then turned my attention
164to my twin brother,
165
16640
16700:02:37,625 --> 00:02:39,333
168who I instantly recognized.
169
17041
17100:02:39,500 --> 00:02:41,750
172[Marcus's muffled voice] Alex, it's me!
173
17442
17500:02:41,875 --> 00:02:44,250
176[Alex] He was sitting on the bed
177next to me...
178
17943
18000:02:44,375 --> 00:02:45,583
181[Marcus] It's okay.
182
18344
18400:02:45,666 --> 00:02:47,500
185[Alex] ...and I just said,
186
18745
18800:02:47,583 --> 00:02:48,708
189"Hello, Marcus."
190
19146
19200:02:50,125 --> 00:02:54,458
193I guess the major thing about being a twin
194is that you're never alone.
195
19647
19700:02:55,791 --> 00:02:58,083
198And it's a massive thing to have.
199
20048
20100:02:59,333 --> 00:03:01,333
202So whatever happens to you in your life,
203
20449
20500:03:01,833 --> 00:03:04,375
206you've always got your other half there.
207
20850
20900:03:06,666 --> 00:03:07,750
210[Alex] Even though
211
21251
21300:03:07,833 --> 00:03:10,541
214I wasn't sure
215of what was going on around me,
216
21752
21800:03:11,000 --> 00:03:14,583
219I knew 100% that he was my brother
220and I could trust him.
221
22253
22300:03:18,375 --> 00:03:21,458
224I then turned my attention to a lady
225
22654
22700:03:22,541 --> 00:03:24,625
228much closer to the bed
229than everybody else...
230
23155
23200:03:26,958 --> 00:03:29,875
233and she was getting quite hysterical
234
23556
23600:03:30,583 --> 00:03:32,708
237at the fact that I had woken up.
238
23957
24000:03:32,791 --> 00:03:35,541
241"Hello, hello, Ali, you're awake.
242You're awake. How are you?
243
24458
24500:03:35,625 --> 00:03:36,833
246It's me, it's me."
247
24859
24900:03:37,875 --> 00:03:40,416
250And I'm thinking,
251"I don't know how I am.
252
25360
25400:03:40,666 --> 00:03:42,250
255And I don't know who you are."
256
25761
25800:03:42,333 --> 00:03:44,291
259"You remember me. You remember me.
260Don't you remember me?
261
26262
26300:03:44,375 --> 00:03:46,041
264You must remember me,
265you must remember me!"
266
26763
26800:03:46,125 --> 00:03:48,583
269-And kept repeating and repeating this.
270-[high pitched ringing]
271
27264
27300:03:49,500 --> 00:03:51,708
274I said to Marcus, "Who is she?"
275
27665
27700:03:53,333 --> 00:03:54,333
278And he just said...
279
28066
28100:03:55,416 --> 00:03:56,458
282"She is our mother."
283
28467
28500:04:00,541 --> 00:04:01,500
286And Marcus said to me,
287
28868
28900:04:01,583 --> 00:04:04,125
290"Do you really not know
291that that is our mother?"
292
29369
29400:04:05,500 --> 00:04:06,583
295And I said, "No."
296
29770
29800:04:08,541 --> 00:04:11,541
299And then he said to me,
300"Well, do you know who you are?
301
30271
30300:04:13,416 --> 00:04:14,541
304And what's your name?"
305
30672
30700:04:18,041 --> 00:04:21,083
308And it started to dawn on me
309that I really didn't know anything.
310
31173
31200:04:22,458 --> 00:04:24,000
313-[blades whirring]
314-I didn't know where I was.
315
31674
31700:04:25,083 --> 00:04:26,000
318Where do I live.
319
32075
32100:04:27,208 --> 00:04:28,916
322I didn't know what happened to me.
323
32476
32500:04:30,125 --> 00:04:31,708
326I didn't even know my own name.
327
32877
32900:04:32,000 --> 00:04:33,875
330[heart rate beep speeding up]
331
33278
33300:04:34,041 --> 00:04:35,500
334Everything had gone.
335
33679
33700:04:35,916 --> 00:04:37,416
338[high pitched ringing]
339
34080
34100:04:38,541 --> 00:04:40,166
342[ringing fades out]
343
34481
34500:04:42,333 --> 00:04:44,333
346[eerie music playing]
347
34882
34900:04:46,291 --> 00:04:49,000
350[Marcus] Imagine a black empty space.
351
35283
35300:04:51,208 --> 00:04:53,708
354You've lost everything in your life...
355
35684
35700:04:55,125 --> 00:04:57,458
358and you start from a blank canvas.
359
36085
36100:04:59,958 --> 00:05:01,625
362Imagine how scary that would be.
363
36486
36500:05:06,916 --> 00:05:11,666
366The doctor explained that he had
367been wearing a helmet that had come off
368
36987
37000:05:12,041 --> 00:05:14,125
371and, therefore, when he hit the ground,
372
37388
37400:05:14,583 --> 00:05:16,875
375he hit the ground with his head
376and not with his helmet.
377
37889
37900:05:18,416 --> 00:05:20,791
380And that had induced him
381to go into a coma.
382
38390
38400:05:21,833 --> 00:05:23,541
385And they weren't sure
386
38791
38800:05:24,000 --> 00:05:26,666
389what kind of brain damage
390that would leave him with.
391
39292
39300:05:27,458 --> 00:05:29,458
394[car engine running]
395
39693
39700:05:33,583 --> 00:05:36,125
398[Alex] My mother came to pick me up.
399
40094
40100:05:37,708 --> 00:05:41,125
402She said, probably three or four times
403before we even got in the car,
404
40595
40600:05:41,208 --> 00:05:46,208
407"You do remember who I am, don't you?"
408And I'm like, "No, I don't."
409
41096
41100:05:46,958 --> 00:05:48,958
412[soft piano music playing]
413
41497
41500:05:50,250 --> 00:05:52,875
416I said, "Where are we going?"
417She said, "We're going home.
418
41998
42000:05:52,958 --> 00:05:54,916
421I'm taking you home, back to our home."
422
42399
42400:05:58,458 --> 00:06:01,541
425So I'm sitting in a car
426with a total stranger,
427
428100
42900:06:01,666 --> 00:06:04,208
430driving somewhere.
431I've no idea where I'm going.
432
433101
43400:06:04,291 --> 00:06:05,291
435[inhales]
436
437102
43800:06:05,375 --> 00:06:09,000
439I'm being told, "This is your house.
440This is where you live."
441
442103
44300:06:10,500 --> 00:06:12,500
444[tires moving over gravel]
445
446104
44700:06:16,916 --> 00:06:20,666
448It's got a gravel drive.
449It's quite a large gravel drive.
450
451105
45200:06:22,333 --> 00:06:23,875
453It's quite a big house,
454
455106
45600:06:24,541 --> 00:06:27,166
457which looked quite daunting to me.
458
459107
46000:06:30,833 --> 00:06:33,833
461[Marcus] He was in a haze.
462He didn't know where he was.
463
464108
46500:06:33,958 --> 00:06:35,708
466He didn't know anything.
467
468109
46900:06:37,666 --> 00:06:40,541
470Even though he was 18,
471
472110
47300:06:41,333 --> 00:06:44,250
474he had the mental age
475of a... [inhales] nine-year-old.
476
477111
47800:06:45,791 --> 00:06:49,791
479I remember walking through the kitchen
480and explaining, "This is the kitchen,"
481
482112
48300:06:49,875 --> 00:06:52,666
484and then the bathroom
485and then taking him into the...
486
487113
48800:06:53,250 --> 00:06:54,333
489into his bedroom.
490
491114
49200:06:56,125 --> 00:06:58,625
493"This is your bed on the left,
494and my bed's on the right."
495
496115
49700:07:04,791 --> 00:07:06,125
498[Alex] I'm just being told
499
500116
50100:07:06,875 --> 00:07:08,208
502that "This is your house.
503
504117
50500:07:09,208 --> 00:07:10,208
506This is your mother."
507
508118
50900:07:11,791 --> 00:07:12,958
510I don't know that.
511
512119
51300:07:21,000 --> 00:07:22,291
514My head was just blank.
515
516120
51700:07:28,125 --> 00:07:29,625
518I mean, for everybody else,
519
520121
52100:07:29,708 --> 00:07:32,291
522they're going to remember
523being on holidays,
524
525122
52600:07:32,416 --> 00:07:35,000
527they're going to remember
528falling off their bike for the first time,
529
530123
53100:07:35,083 --> 00:07:37,166
532their first kiss,
533the first time they were in love.
534
535124
53600:07:38,750 --> 00:07:41,583
537Those are the things
538that really make up who you are.
539
540125
54100:07:42,666 --> 00:07:44,833
542And you actually need those memories.
543
544126
54500:07:47,375 --> 00:07:50,458
546I'm coming at this with nothing.
547
548127
54900:07:51,583 --> 00:07:54,250
550-[loud bang]
551-[silverware rattling]
552
553128
55400:07:58,000 --> 00:07:59,291
555[dog moans]
556
557129
55800:08:01,125 --> 00:08:02,458
559[Alex] It was quite apparent...
560
561130
56200:08:02,541 --> 00:08:03,375
563[chewing]
564
565131
56600:08:03,458 --> 00:08:07,333
567...that my parents didn't know
568how to deal with me.
569
570132
57100:08:08,000 --> 00:08:08,916
572[exhales]
573
574133
57500:08:11,958 --> 00:08:14,250
576My father, I didn't-- He was so distant.
577
578134
57900:08:15,416 --> 00:08:17,041
580He didn't hug me or anything like that.
581
582135
58300:08:17,125 --> 00:08:20,416
584He just shook my hand
585and said he was my father.
586
587136
58800:08:22,583 --> 00:08:23,750
589He never came to the hospital.
590
591137
59200:08:25,208 --> 00:08:26,041
593No.
594
595138
59600:08:26,916 --> 00:08:28,208
597He never-- He never came.
598
599139
60000:08:34,333 --> 00:08:37,541
601My mother didn't want to believe
602
603140
60400:08:37,958 --> 00:08:39,208
605I had lost my memory.
606
607141
60800:08:40,125 --> 00:08:43,458
609It was... just, for her, unthinkable.
610
611142
61200:08:44,666 --> 00:08:48,291
613For a son not to know
614who their mother was.
615
616143
61700:08:50,541 --> 00:08:51,958
618And she didn't want to believe it.
619
620144
62100:08:53,583 --> 00:08:54,625
622[Marcus] Can you imagine,
623
624145
62500:08:55,333 --> 00:08:59,208
626your son wakes up
627and he's no idea who you are.
628
629146
63000:08:59,375 --> 00:09:00,375
631[deep breath]
632
633147
63400:09:00,833 --> 00:09:03,833
635Any mother would be deeply distressed.
636
637148
63800:09:05,500 --> 00:09:07,708
639It really hurt her a lot.
640
641149
64200:09:10,875 --> 00:09:15,916
643[Alex] So I'm totally on my own,
644in that house with no support
645
646150
64700:09:16,000 --> 00:09:17,333
648apart from my brother.
649
650151
65100:09:18,875 --> 00:09:21,541
652He gets it. He understands.
653
654152
65500:09:21,625 --> 00:09:23,458
656I don't have to explain anything to him.
657
658153
65900:09:23,875 --> 00:09:27,458
660He doesn't make it difficult for me.
661He gives me everything I need.
662
663154
66400:09:28,041 --> 00:09:31,208
665If he hadn't known who I was,
666and he hadn't known his twin,
667
668155
66900:09:31,666 --> 00:09:35,250
670then he would have been all alone
671in the world for the rest of his life.
672
673156
67400:09:36,458 --> 00:09:38,375
675But he wasn't alone in the world.
676He had me.
677
678157
67900:09:38,625 --> 00:09:40,875
680-[lively piano music playing]
681-[door hinge squeaks]
682
683158
68400:09:42,333 --> 00:09:43,791
685[Alex] There was so much to learn.
686
687159
68800:09:43,875 --> 00:09:47,625
689So very quickly he gave me
690the basic information,
691
692160
69300:09:47,708 --> 00:09:52,666
694the everyday, "This is kitchen.
695This is TV. This is a table."
696
697161
69800:09:53,583 --> 00:09:56,041
699[Marcus] I had to show him
700where all his clothes are,
701
702162
70300:09:56,125 --> 00:10:00,250
704how to put his shoes on,
705tie his shoelaces up, make toast.
706
707163
70800:10:00,708 --> 00:10:02,500
709He just kept giving me stuff.
710
711164
71200:10:03,833 --> 00:10:05,875
713And I just went along with everything.
714
715165
71600:10:05,958 --> 00:10:07,375
717[water running from faucet]
718
719166
72000:10:08,125 --> 00:10:09,791
721When he said he didn't know something,
722
723167
72400:10:10,333 --> 00:10:11,875
725I just told him what it was.
726
727168
72800:10:13,125 --> 00:10:15,541
729Then starting to get
730into more difficult things
731
732169
73300:10:15,625 --> 00:10:17,375
734like, "Wow, what is that thing?"
735
736170
73700:10:19,875 --> 00:10:22,083
738The first few minutes was a bit strange,
739
740171
74100:10:22,958 --> 00:10:25,041
742and then I realized
743I could actually do that.
744
745172
74600:10:25,875 --> 00:10:27,166
747That I could ride a bike.
748
749173
75000:10:27,583 --> 00:10:30,875
751That was something that he was actually
752quite good at, I seem to remember.
753
754174
75500:10:31,541 --> 00:10:33,708
756But he didn't know
757where he was going, of course.
758
759175
76000:10:33,791 --> 00:10:36,583
761So we would go out of the house
762and then everything was a blank.
763
764176
76500:10:36,666 --> 00:10:38,083
766-[grunts]
767-[clatter and bang]
768
769177
77000:10:38,166 --> 00:10:40,416
771[laughs]
772
773178
77400:10:51,000 --> 00:10:52,416
775[Alex] The world seemed very scary.
776
777179
77800:10:55,083 --> 00:10:56,458
779But with him...
780
781180
78200:10:57,000 --> 00:10:59,750
783everything was a little bit easier.
784
785181
78600:10:59,833 --> 00:11:01,583
787[music from TV]
788
789182
79000:11:01,666 --> 00:11:04,041
791[cartoon from TV] Ladies and gentlemen!
792
793183
79400:11:04,166 --> 00:11:06,250
795[Alex] TV was an eye-opener for me.
796
797184
79800:11:07,583 --> 00:11:10,208
799All the shows were new,
800even down to Tom and Jerry.
801
802185
80300:11:10,291 --> 00:11:13,500
804[Tom and Jerry theme playing on TV]
805
806186
80700:11:14,291 --> 00:11:17,250
808In one way, I'm trying to learn
809as much information as possible.
810
811187
81200:11:17,666 --> 00:11:22,041
813And in the second way,
814I'm trying to work my family out
815
816188
81700:11:22,375 --> 00:11:24,291
818and the dynamics that are going on.
819
820189
82100:11:26,125 --> 00:11:30,291
822And there'd be like a perfect Sunday lunch
823with everybody sitting around the table
824
825190
82600:11:30,458 --> 00:11:33,000
827for Oxo Cube, and it looked nice.
828
829191
83000:11:33,625 --> 00:11:35,375
831And I just imagined
832
833192
83400:11:35,458 --> 00:11:38,416
835that must just be how all families are
836'cause I saw it on the telly.
837
838193
83900:11:38,958 --> 00:11:40,458
840[laughs]
841
842194
84300:11:41,916 --> 00:11:43,916
844[uplifting instrumental music playing]
845
846195
84700:11:45,875 --> 00:11:49,208
848I soon realized that Mommy
849was at the center of my new world.
850
851196
85200:11:51,125 --> 00:11:53,166
853She was quite a tall woman.
854
855197
85600:11:53,250 --> 00:11:54,500
857She was over six foot,
858
859198
86000:11:54,583 --> 00:11:57,541
861and she had quite large hands
862and very large feet.
863
864199
86500:11:58,125 --> 00:11:59,375
866Overly large feet.
867
868200
86900:12:00,791 --> 00:12:02,041
870She was great fun.
871
872201
87300:12:03,000 --> 00:12:04,750
874She'd just sort of dance
875around the kitchen.
876
877202
87800:12:04,833 --> 00:12:07,083
879She would come in a room and say,
880"And here we all are.
881
882203
88300:12:07,166 --> 00:12:09,500
884I'm here, everybody, I'm here."
885
886204
88700:12:10,125 --> 00:12:12,375
888She'd be, [impersonates Mom]
889"Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha."
890
891205
89200:12:12,458 --> 00:12:13,625
893She'd be laughing like that.
894
895206
89600:12:14,541 --> 00:12:16,583
897Louder than loud, really.
898
899207
90000:12:16,916 --> 00:12:18,041
901[dog moans]
902
903208
90400:12:18,750 --> 00:12:21,041
905[Alex] Mom inherited
906a bunch of Chihuahuas.
907
908209
90900:12:22,291 --> 00:12:23,916
910And she used to dress them up.
911
912210
91300:12:24,583 --> 00:12:27,000
914They'd have their own clothes,
915little hats,
916
917211
91800:12:27,291 --> 00:12:30,208
919little coats,
920and, um... that was her world.
921
922212
92300:12:31,166 --> 00:12:33,625
924Before the accident,
925we both hated these dogs.
926
927213
92800:12:34,000 --> 00:12:35,916
929-We used to call them rats on legs.
930-[dog moaning]
931
932214
93300:12:36,166 --> 00:12:39,333
934But Alex, when he came home,
935he rather liked the Chihuahuas.
936
937215
93800:12:39,416 --> 00:12:40,458
939I quite liked them,
940
941216
94200:12:40,541 --> 00:12:43,041
943'cause I thought they were quite sweet,
944I'd never seen one before,
945
946217
94700:12:43,250 --> 00:12:45,875
948whereas nobody else
949had any interest in the dogs at all.
950
951218
95200:12:45,958 --> 00:12:46,958
953[laughs]
954
955219
95600:12:47,041 --> 00:12:49,250
957I still can't stand them.
958Horrible little things.
959
960220
96100:12:49,333 --> 00:12:50,791
962[laughs]
963
964221
96500:12:50,875 --> 00:12:52,458
966[music fades out]
967
968222
96900:12:55,458 --> 00:13:00,500
970So I've grown up incredibly quickly
971in the space of a month,
972
973223
97400:13:01,250 --> 00:13:04,916
975from probably a six-year-old
976to sort of a... to a early teenager,
977
978224
97900:13:05,000 --> 00:13:07,958
980sort of 14, 15 already, in such speed
981
982225
98300:13:08,541 --> 00:13:11,000
984that now I need to move to another level.
985
986226
98700:13:12,125 --> 00:13:17,291
988And that's when I start asking Marcus
989more personal questions.
990
991227
99200:13:18,208 --> 00:13:20,041
993Who, who am I really?
994
995228
99600:13:20,500 --> 00:13:21,333
997[clicks]
998
999229
100000:13:23,875 --> 00:13:26,916
1001So I started to ask Marcus
1002about our childhood.
1003
1004230
100500:13:27,833 --> 00:13:31,291
1006He would say, you know,
1007"What family holidays did we go on?"
1008
1009231
101000:13:31,375 --> 00:13:32,333
1011[clicks]
1012
1013232
101400:13:32,416 --> 00:13:34,541
1015And I'd say, "Oh, you know,
1016we would go to France
1017
1018233
101900:13:34,625 --> 00:13:36,083
1020-on a beach holiday."
1021-[clicks]
1022
1023234
102400:13:36,291 --> 00:13:38,666
1025"Oh, right, was that nice?"
1026"Oh, yeah, it was great, you know.
1027
1028235
102900:13:38,750 --> 00:13:40,750
1030We used to go to the beach,
1031we'd have an ice cream.
1032
1033236
103400:13:40,916 --> 00:13:43,416
1035You always liked to have a chocolate flake
1036in your ice cream."
1037
1038237
103900:13:44,166 --> 00:13:45,541
1040"Oh, right, that's nice."
1041
1042238
104300:13:45,625 --> 00:13:46,458
1044[clicks]
1045
1046239
104700:13:46,541 --> 00:13:48,541
1048[soft piano music playing]
1049
1050240
105100:13:49,500 --> 00:13:53,083
1052[Alex] Marcus showed me a photograph
1053of the two of us on holiday,
1054
1055241
105600:13:53,416 --> 00:13:55,541
1057and it looked nice. And we were, you know,
1058
1059242
106000:13:56,083 --> 00:13:59,125
1061typical boys building
1062sand castles on a beach.
1063
1064243
106500:13:59,708 --> 00:14:03,083
1066So I just presumed
1067that's what we did every year.
1068
1069244
107000:14:05,083 --> 00:14:06,583
1071He showed me photographs.
1072
1073245
107400:14:08,791 --> 00:14:10,541
1075And I joined the dots.
1076
1077246
107800:14:13,000 --> 00:14:14,125
1079[waves crashing on the beach]
1080
1081247
108200:14:17,916 --> 00:14:19,333
1083[Alex] He would give me a photo...
1084
1085248
108600:14:20,708 --> 00:14:23,375
1087and I would construct a memory around that
1088
1089249
109000:14:24,208 --> 00:14:26,916
1091of two happy boys on a beach.
1092
1093250
109400:14:29,458 --> 00:14:31,041
1095[Marcus] What I was doing was actually
1096
1097251
109800:14:32,333 --> 00:14:35,500
1099reimplanting his memory
1100and giving him... [inhales]
1101
1102252
110300:14:35,583 --> 00:14:36,666
1104his childhood back
1105
1106253
110700:14:36,791 --> 00:14:41,416
1108and answering questions from
1109the very beginning of when he was a baby
1110
1111254
111200:14:41,500 --> 00:14:42,791
1113up to 18.
1114
1115255
111600:14:43,875 --> 00:14:47,166
1117[Alex] When you've got no memory,
1118and you get little bits of information,
1119
1120256
112100:14:47,791 --> 00:14:50,750
1122then just some information
1123about a single holiday
1124
1125257
112600:14:50,875 --> 00:14:54,375
1127meant an enormous amount to me
1128'cause that's all I had.
1129
1130258
113100:14:55,833 --> 00:14:58,208
1132So these tiny little fragments
1133
1134259
113500:14:58,291 --> 00:15:00,500
1136became the building blocks
1137for my new sense of self.
1138
1139260
114000:15:02,125 --> 00:15:05,166
1141-And life seemed good.
1142-[kids talking and shouting]
1143
1144261
114500:15:05,333 --> 00:15:08,958
1146The life that Marcus showed me
1147that I had and painted for me
1148
1149262
115000:15:09,041 --> 00:15:13,500
1151was that we were a fairly
1152privileged family in the home counties
1153
1154263
115500:15:14,291 --> 00:15:16,041
1156with perfectly normal parents.
1157
1158264
115900:15:17,000 --> 00:15:20,000
1160You know, dinner parties around the house
1161and everything looked good.
1162
1163265
116400:15:23,416 --> 00:15:25,083
1165He painted an idyllic picture.
1166
1167266
116800:15:26,958 --> 00:15:28,958
1169[kids shrieking]
1170
1171267
117200:15:31,458 --> 00:15:33,458
1173[music fades out]
1174
1175268
117600:15:34,833 --> 00:15:36,833
1177[clock ticking]
1178
1179269
118000:15:39,166 --> 00:15:42,916
1181[Marcus] Learning the rules of the house
1182was more complicated.
1183
1184270
118500:15:45,083 --> 00:15:47,416
1186We weren't allowed to go upstairs.
1187
1188271
118900:15:47,750 --> 00:15:49,333
1190We didn't eat with our parents.
1191
1192272
119300:15:49,416 --> 00:15:51,583
1194We weren't allowed a front door key.
1195
1196273
119700:15:51,666 --> 00:15:53,458
1198And, from the age of...
1199
1200274
120100:15:54,708 --> 00:15:57,500
1202[huffs] I think... 14,
1203
1204275
120500:15:58,333 --> 00:16:01,000
1206we lived out in the shed in the garden.
1207
1208276
120900:16:01,125 --> 00:16:02,000
1210[inhales]
1211
1212277
121300:16:02,416 --> 00:16:04,875
1214In a funny sort of way
1215we quite liked living in the shed
1216
1217278
121800:16:05,125 --> 00:16:07,166
1219because it was our domain.
1220
1221279
122200:16:08,375 --> 00:16:10,333
1223Yeah, it was-- it was, um...
1224
1225280
122600:16:11,416 --> 00:16:13,541
1227it was a confusing house for me.
1228
1229281
123000:16:14,000 --> 00:16:15,833
1231[clock striking the hour]
1232
1233282
123400:16:22,333 --> 00:16:24,333
1235There was just ornaments everywhere.
1236
1237283
123800:16:25,083 --> 00:16:27,625
1239Every cupboard was full,
1240every outhouse was full,
1241
1242284
124300:16:27,708 --> 00:16:30,041
1244every loft was full,
1245every garage was full.
1246
1247285
124800:16:31,166 --> 00:16:33,875
1249And there were sections of the house
1250that you weren't allowed to be in,
1251
1252286
125300:16:34,041 --> 00:16:36,208
1254and you didn't enter without permission.
1255
1256287
125700:16:37,250 --> 00:16:38,583
1258Especially my father's side.
1259
1260288
126100:16:38,666 --> 00:16:40,250
1262[ominous instrumental music playing]
1263
1264289
126500:16:40,333 --> 00:16:42,916
1266You wouldn't enter his study
1267unless you were summoned.
1268
1269290
127000:16:43,000 --> 00:16:45,000
1271[clock ticking]
1272
1273291
127400:16:45,833 --> 00:16:49,375
1275He was quite a scary guy,
1276and he had a hell of a temper on him.
1277
1278292
127900:16:49,916 --> 00:16:54,000
1280He would shout very loudly, and bang!
1281He would just thump the table
1282
1283293
128400:16:54,083 --> 00:16:56,916
1285on the dining room... I remember
1286particularly on the dining room table.
1287
1288294
128900:16:57,000 --> 00:17:00,416
1290There was a really long,
1291huge dining room table, you know,
1292
1293295
129400:17:00,500 --> 00:17:03,000
1295in the center of the house,
1296and he would whack that.
1297
1298296
129900:17:06,250 --> 00:17:08,000
1300And then he would just dismiss you.
1301
1302297
130300:17:11,041 --> 00:17:12,750
1304Marcus just instructed me,
1305
1306298
130700:17:13,000 --> 00:17:15,666
1308"Don't get involved.
1309Just let him do his thing.
1310
1311299
131200:17:16,541 --> 00:17:20,166
1313And be polite.
1314Always be polite and call him sir."
1315
1316300
131700:17:22,250 --> 00:17:25,250
1318[Marcus] I do remember him kept asking me
1319why did we have to do that.
1320
1321301
132200:17:25,916 --> 00:17:27,333
1323And I just said, "Because that's...
1324
1325302
132600:17:27,416 --> 00:17:29,666
1327[inhales]
1328That's what you do in a family."
1329
1330303
133100:17:31,000 --> 00:17:33,000
1332[lively music playing]
1333
1334304
133500:17:33,416 --> 00:17:36,000
1336[Alex] My brother, at some point,
1337informed me that our parents
1338
1339305
134000:17:36,083 --> 00:17:38,625
1341came from an aristocratic background.
1342
1343306
134400:17:38,708 --> 00:17:40,166
1345-[indistinct chatter]
1346-[loud chewing]
1347
1348307
134900:17:40,250 --> 00:17:42,250
1350-[cork popping]
1351-[cheering]
1352
1353308
135400:17:43,666 --> 00:17:47,041
1355It was perfectly normal
1356for our house to be filled with
1357
1358309
135900:17:47,125 --> 00:17:49,708
1360-sirs, duchesses, lords, ladies.
1361-[woman cheers and laughs]
1362
1363310
136400:17:50,791 --> 00:17:53,791
1365And that's how we lived.
1366
1367311
136800:17:53,875 --> 00:17:55,875
1369[crowd cheering and laughing]
1370
1371312
137200:17:56,041 --> 00:17:58,041
1373I never thought, "This is odd,"
1374
1375313
137600:17:58,875 --> 00:18:00,916
1377'cause everything was normal for me.
1378
1379314
138000:18:01,000 --> 00:18:04,416
1381[party crowd singing]
1382♪ La, la, la, la, la, la ♪
1383
1384315
138500:18:04,958 --> 00:18:08,750
1386It was perfectly normal
1387to have parents like we did.
1388
1389316
139000:18:09,083 --> 00:18:12,083
1391It was perfectly normal to live in a shed.
1392
1393317
139400:18:12,458 --> 00:18:15,000
1395So I was never questioning anything.
1396
1397318
139800:18:15,083 --> 00:18:17,291
1399Because what is normal, really?
1400
1401319
140200:18:18,208 --> 00:18:21,708
1403Normal is what you know.
1404And normal is what your family is.
1405
1406320
140700:18:21,791 --> 00:18:24,000
1408[people singing and whooping]
1409
1410321
141100:18:28,458 --> 00:18:30,458
1412[tires moving over gravel]
1413
1414322
141500:18:47,916 --> 00:18:49,041
1416[Alex] I had my story.
1417
1418323
141900:18:50,708 --> 00:18:52,541
1420I grabbed that from my brother.
1421
1422324
142300:18:54,791 --> 00:18:56,208
1424And I took it as my own,
1425
1426325
142700:18:56,500 --> 00:18:58,500
1428and I took that out
1429into the world with me.
1430
1431326
143200:18:58,583 --> 00:19:00,375
1433-[indistinct chatter]
1434-["Relax" by Duran Duran playing]
1435
1436327
143700:19:01,625 --> 00:19:03,166
1438-[woman yells] Party! Yeah!
1439-[cheering]
1440
1441328
144200:19:03,375 --> 00:19:06,833
1443[Alex] After a few months, Marcus decided
1444it was time to meet all my friends.
1445
1446329
144700:19:07,000 --> 00:19:08,291
1448[indistinct greetings]
1449
1450330
145100:19:08,375 --> 00:19:10,208
1452So we go to the pub.
1453
1454331
145500:19:11,958 --> 00:19:14,958
1456That was another huge step.
1457
1458332
145900:19:15,375 --> 00:19:17,458
1460♪ Relax, don't do it ♪
1461
1462333
146300:19:17,666 --> 00:19:20,125
1464♪ When you wanna go to it
1465Relax... ♪
1466
1467334
146800:19:20,333 --> 00:19:21,625
1469When you're a teenager,
1470
1471335
147200:19:22,208 --> 00:19:24,083
1473you don't want to be different
1474to everybody else.
1475
1476336
147700:19:24,458 --> 00:19:26,750
1478You don't want to stick out,
1479you just want to be the same.
1480
1481337
148200:19:27,416 --> 00:19:30,875
1483But everybody knows you
1484and you don't know them. [inhales]
1485
1486338
148700:19:31,166 --> 00:19:34,916
1488And that is quite...
1489quite daunting really.
1490
1491339
149200:19:35,000 --> 00:19:36,125
1493[crowd laughing]
1494
1495340
149600:19:37,875 --> 00:19:38,875
1497I got overwhelmed.
1498
1499341
150000:19:45,333 --> 00:19:47,333
1501[music fades out]
1502
1503342
150400:19:50,333 --> 00:19:52,833
1505People say, "Oh, yeah, it can't be
1506that bad to lose your memory."
1507
1508343
150900:19:54,083 --> 00:19:54,958
1510But it is.
1511
1512344
151300:19:55,875 --> 00:19:57,958
1514I have nothing to latch onto.
1515
1516345
151700:19:58,666 --> 00:20:03,708
1518I've got no... no anchors
1519to give me any peace of mind
1520
1521346
152200:20:04,875 --> 00:20:06,583
1523apart from Marcus.
1524
1525347
152600:20:07,500 --> 00:20:12,666
1527So, me and Marcus together
1528built up a system
1529
1530348
153100:20:12,791 --> 00:20:15,000
1532where I could meet people
1533
1534349
153500:20:15,083 --> 00:20:17,875
1536without them ever realizing
1537that I didn't have a clue who they were.
1538
1539350
154000:20:18,125 --> 00:20:20,125
1541[fun instrumental music playing]
1542
1543351
154400:20:20,625 --> 00:20:22,625
1545[Marcus] We would go
1546to a friend's house for dinner.
1547
1548352
154900:20:23,375 --> 00:20:27,000
1550We would stand outside the door
1551and he'd say, "Right, okay, remind me."
1552
1553353
155400:20:27,083 --> 00:20:29,416
1555[stuttering] Give me the names again.
1556What do they look like?
1557
1558354
155900:20:29,500 --> 00:20:33,416
1560Just give me the quick little outline,
1561so a tiny little synopsis of each person.
1562
1563355
156400:20:33,500 --> 00:20:37,041
1565This is Dave, this is John, this is Chris.
1566And then they'd open the door,
1567
1568356
156900:20:37,125 --> 00:20:39,291
1570"Oh, hi. Really nice to see you."
1571
1572357
157300:20:39,375 --> 00:20:40,916
1574And people never knew.
1575
1576358
157700:20:41,500 --> 00:20:44,500
1578[Marcus] And everybody would think,
1579"Ah, Alex is fine, look.
1580
1581359
158200:20:44,958 --> 00:20:47,250
1583He knows everybody here.
1584He knows what's going on."
1585
1586360
158700:20:47,333 --> 00:20:48,583
1588But none of that was true.
1589
1590361
159100:20:49,250 --> 00:20:51,666
1592I'd just given him
1593a ten-minute lesson outside.
1594
1595362
159600:20:52,041 --> 00:20:54,291
1597But then he said,
1598"Oh, yes, and you have a girlfriend."
1599
1600363
160100:20:54,708 --> 00:20:56,583
1602I thought,
1603"Oh, I've got a girlfriend, have I?"
1604
1605364
160600:20:57,333 --> 00:21:01,208
1607She, um... she was very nice.
1608And she didn't really notice
1609
1610365
161100:21:01,458 --> 00:21:05,791
1612that I had no idea
1613[laughing] who she was.
1614
1615366
161600:21:07,333 --> 00:21:08,750
1617Our sort of standing joke
1618
1619367
162000:21:08,833 --> 00:21:11,916
1621is that I lost my virginity
1622to the same woman twice.
1623
1624368
162500:21:12,000 --> 00:21:14,000
1626[laughs]
1627
1628369
162900:21:16,291 --> 00:21:19,125
1630[Marcus] He became absolutely
1631fascinated by photographs,
1632
1633370
163400:21:20,166 --> 00:21:25,208
1635because he became totally paranoid
1636that he would lose his new memory.
1637
1638371
163900:21:26,458 --> 00:21:29,041
1640I just took pictures of people having fun.
1641
1642372
164300:21:29,291 --> 00:21:31,250
1644I took pictures of the parties we went to,
1645
1646373
164700:21:31,333 --> 00:21:33,291
1648the people we met, the places we went.
1649
1650374
165100:21:33,375 --> 00:21:36,416
1652I wanted to capture every single moment
1653
1654375
165500:21:37,166 --> 00:21:41,291
1656of every month, of every year
1657for the rest of my life.
1658
1659376
166000:21:41,375 --> 00:21:42,208
1661[music fades out]
1662
1663377
166400:21:46,958 --> 00:21:49,916
1665[Alex] All of us, we take photos
1666of happy times
1667
1668378
166900:21:50,708 --> 00:21:53,125
1670excluding everything else.
1671
1672379
167300:21:55,375 --> 00:21:56,500
1674We all do that.
1675
1676380
167700:21:57,458 --> 00:22:02,291
1678We take photos of weddings.
1679You never take photos at funerals.
1680
1681381
168200:22:02,375 --> 00:22:03,291
1683[inhales]
1684
1685382
168600:22:14,625 --> 00:22:16,166
1687[clock ticking]
1688
1689383
169000:22:16,250 --> 00:22:17,708
1691[Marcus] Dad was dying,
1692
1693384
169400:22:18,666 --> 00:22:20,750
1695and he had cancer.
1696
1697385
169800:22:21,416 --> 00:22:22,250
1699Um...
1700
1701386
170200:22:22,541 --> 00:22:23,375
1703pancreas.
1704
1705387
170600:22:24,750 --> 00:22:27,208
1707And I remember he called us
1708into his study,
1709
1710388
171100:22:27,708 --> 00:22:31,000
1712and he started to apologize for his
1713behavior and the things that he'd done.
1714
1715389
171600:22:33,208 --> 00:22:36,166
1717[Alex] He said would we forgive him
1718before he died?
1719
1720390
172100:22:37,250 --> 00:22:38,583
1722So I said, "Yes."
1723
1724391
172500:22:39,208 --> 00:22:40,708
1726Alex would have said anything.
1727
1728392
172900:22:41,166 --> 00:22:45,125
1730I mean he was just such a nice boy,
1731and he had such a nice way about him.
1732
1733393
173400:22:46,541 --> 00:22:49,208
1735[Alex] And then Marcus stood there
1736and said,
1737
1738394
173900:22:49,666 --> 00:22:51,833
1740"No, I will not forgive you."
1741
1742395
174300:22:53,166 --> 00:22:55,291
1744And turned around
1745and walked out of the room.
1746
1747396
174800:22:56,791 --> 00:22:59,416
1749I remember walking
1750out of the room with him
1751
1752397
175300:22:59,750 --> 00:23:02,250
1754and I-- I said,
1755[stutters] "Why did you do that?
1756
1757398
175800:23:02,333 --> 00:23:05,708
1759Why would you say no to a dying man,
1760his last wish?
1761
1762399
176300:23:06,083 --> 00:23:08,250
1764He's about to go.
1765Give him the forgiveness."
1766
1767400
176800:23:08,416 --> 00:23:10,625
1769He said, "No, I won't. What for?"
1770
1771401
177200:23:11,000 --> 00:23:12,458
1773I said, "Because he asked us.
1774
1775402
177600:23:12,833 --> 00:23:16,000
1777He asked us to forgive him.
1778Why could you not do that?"
1779
1780403
178100:23:16,416 --> 00:23:19,166
1782He said, "No". He said,
1783"It's complicated. I don't want to."
1784
1785404
178600:23:20,750 --> 00:23:22,750
1787[heavy rain pattering]
1788
1789405
179000:23:29,916 --> 00:23:32,125
1791[Alex] And then, a few days later,
1792he was gone.
1793
1794406
179500:23:36,875 --> 00:23:38,083
1796Once Dad had died,
1797
1798407
179900:23:38,750 --> 00:23:41,291
1800I thought things in the house
1801would change,
1802
1803408
180400:23:41,625 --> 00:23:43,958
1805because he was the bully,
1806he made the rules up.
1807
1808409
180900:23:45,166 --> 00:23:47,625
1810So, when I got into my twenties,
1811
1812410
181300:23:48,625 --> 00:23:52,166
1814I thought we can have access to our house,
1815we could have keys to our house,
1816
1817411
181800:23:52,250 --> 00:23:55,791
1819we can go in and eat food whenever
1820we want. Turn up whenever we want.
1821
1822412
182300:23:55,916 --> 00:23:58,583
1824All those rules have gone
1825out of the window. He's gone now.
1826
1827413
182800:23:58,666 --> 00:24:00,666
1829[melancholic music playing]
1830
1831414
183200:24:01,250 --> 00:24:05,125
1833It was very quickly apparent
1834that the rules hadn't changed.
1835
1836415
183700:24:05,916 --> 00:24:07,666
1838They became even more stringent.
1839
1840416
184100:24:12,541 --> 00:24:15,500
1842Mom still didn't want us to have a key.
1843
1844417
184500:24:19,458 --> 00:24:23,333
1846But I asked Marcus about it,
1847and he just told me not to worry.
1848
1849418
185000:24:25,291 --> 00:24:26,208
1851So I didn't.
1852
1853419
185400:24:39,458 --> 00:24:41,000
1855And I jump five years later,
1856
1857420
185800:24:43,083 --> 00:24:46,375
1859and there she was, lying at the bottom
1860of the stairs, unconscious.
1861
1862421
186300:24:48,416 --> 00:24:50,416
1864[Marcus] She's got a brain tumor
1865in her head
1866
1867422
186800:24:51,416 --> 00:24:53,291
1869that was fatal.
1870
1871423
187200:24:58,333 --> 00:25:00,791
1873[Alex] I found the whole thing
1874very upsetting.
1875
1876424
187700:25:03,541 --> 00:25:05,291
1878I did grow to love my mother.
1879
1880425
188100:25:07,375 --> 00:25:11,291
1882And, you know,
1883and become very close to her.
1884
1885426
188600:25:17,208 --> 00:25:19,125
1887She said that she would miss us,
1888
1889427
189000:25:19,708 --> 00:25:23,125
1891and, um... and that she loved us.
1892
1893428
189400:25:23,250 --> 00:25:24,166
1895[inhales]
1896
1897429
189800:25:24,958 --> 00:25:28,708
1899And it was at that moment...
1900she slipped away.
1901
1902430
190300:25:31,166 --> 00:25:32,791
1904I just cried
1905
1906431
190700:25:34,166 --> 00:25:35,750
1908for quite some time.
1909
1910432
191100:25:38,375 --> 00:25:39,458
1912But Marcus didn't.
1913
1914433
191500:25:41,875 --> 00:25:43,333
1916No emotion at all.
1917
1918434
191900:25:45,250 --> 00:25:46,083
1920[Marcus] I felt...
1921
1922435
192300:25:47,958 --> 00:25:48,833
1924nothing.
1925
1926436
192700:25:50,625 --> 00:25:54,708
1928I didn't feel any guilt
1929for feeling nothing,
1930
1931437
193200:25:54,791 --> 00:25:58,083
1933I didn't feel sad. I didn't feel...
1934
1935438
193600:25:59,583 --> 00:26:02,000
1937relieved. I just felt nothing.
1938
1939439
194000:26:08,083 --> 00:26:10,125
1941[Alex] I know my brother inside out.
1942
1943440
194400:26:10,708 --> 00:26:13,458
1945We are twins. We know
1946everything about each other,
1947
1948441
194900:26:14,166 --> 00:26:18,416
1950yet he has handled this situation
1951in a completely different way to me.
1952
1953442
195400:26:19,541 --> 00:26:21,791
1955And it bothered me a lot.
1956
1957443
195800:26:27,833 --> 00:26:32,500
1959After the funeral,
1960we went back to Duke's Cottage
1961
1962444
196300:26:33,125 --> 00:26:36,250
1964and walked back into our house
1965with our key.
1966
1967445
196800:26:37,166 --> 00:26:42,583
1969And we started clearing up
1970this vast house and its outbuildings,
1971
1972446
197300:26:43,166 --> 00:26:45,708
1974-which were full of stuff.
1975-[door opens]
1976
1977447
197800:26:45,791 --> 00:26:47,791
1979[eerie music playing]
1980
1981448
198200:26:48,625 --> 00:26:52,500
1983We started with the downstairs,
1984throwing things away,
1985
1986449
198700:26:53,541 --> 00:26:57,708
1988and every now and again
1989you would find a jam jar
1990
1991450
199200:26:57,791 --> 00:26:59,833
1993full of 50-pound notes.
1994
1995451
199600:27:00,791 --> 00:27:03,166
1997And then some
1998tied into the back of a curtain.
1999
2000452
200100:27:06,833 --> 00:27:09,750
2002And I'm starting to think,
2003“That's a bit strange.”
2004
2005453
200600:27:12,208 --> 00:27:14,500
2007And we're going into bathrooms.
2008
2009454
201000:27:15,750 --> 00:27:19,333
2011One bathroom in particular
2012there was this huge wardrobe
2013
2014455
201500:27:20,375 --> 00:27:21,666
2016full of sex toys.
2017
2018456
201900:27:25,500 --> 00:27:28,333
2020Marcus and I looked in it.
2021I was really, really shocked.
2022
2023457
202400:27:29,666 --> 00:27:32,791
2025But he didn't really show much emotion,
2026
2027458
202800:27:33,208 --> 00:27:34,875
2029just kept reassuring me,
2030
2031459
203200:27:34,958 --> 00:27:37,833
2033"Never mind about that,
2034put it to one side. Let's get on."
2035
2036460
203700:27:38,416 --> 00:27:39,625
2038[door opens]
2039
2040461
204100:27:41,833 --> 00:27:43,416
2042And when we got into the attic,
2043
2044462
204500:27:44,041 --> 00:27:46,875
2046there was our childhood.
2047
2048463
204900:27:50,250 --> 00:27:55,250
2050All our school books,
2051all our baby clothes.
2052
2053464
205400:27:56,666 --> 00:27:59,708
2055And then boxes and boxes of presents
2056
2057465
205800:28:00,333 --> 00:28:03,666
2059that have been given to us
2060for every Christmas and every birthday
2061
2062466
206300:28:04,083 --> 00:28:08,375
2064from our godfathers, aunts, uncles.
2065
2066467
206700:28:09,750 --> 00:28:14,583
2068We spent every birthday and Christmas
2069with no presents from anybody.
2070
2071468
207200:28:16,250 --> 00:28:18,583
2073She kept every single one.
2074
2075469
207600:28:22,250 --> 00:28:25,166
2077It made my mother much more complicated.
2078
2079470
208000:28:27,708 --> 00:28:31,458
2081Who was this lady?
2082What do I not know about her?
2083
2084471
208500:28:36,375 --> 00:28:39,291
2086And we started clearing Mommy's room.
2087
2088472
208900:28:45,416 --> 00:28:46,875
2090[sliding door opening]
2091
2092473
209300:28:48,125 --> 00:28:50,416
2094We were in the back of a cupboard,
2095
2096474
209700:28:50,875 --> 00:28:54,666
2098and you get through all these
2099tons and tons of coats and clothes,
2100
2101475
210200:28:55,166 --> 00:29:00,041
2103and at the back you find a secret door
2104to a cupboard within a cupboard.
2105
2106476
210700:29:00,583 --> 00:29:04,208
2108Of course, it's locked.
2109So we have to find a key.
2110
2111477
211200:29:05,708 --> 00:29:07,708
2113[clattering]
2114
2115478
211600:29:19,541 --> 00:29:24,000
2117And inside there is a photograph
2118
2119479
212000:29:24,958 --> 00:29:26,500
2121of me and Marcus,
2122
2123480
212400:29:28,125 --> 00:29:31,583
2125aged around ten, and we're naked
2126
2127481
212800:29:32,750 --> 00:29:34,125
2129with our heads cut off.
2130
2131482
213200:29:37,791 --> 00:29:42,333
2133[tearfully] It was too weird.
2134It was just too, too strange.
2135
2136483
213700:29:43,000 --> 00:29:44,916
2138What the hell was she doing
2139
2140484
214100:29:45,625 --> 00:29:49,916
2142with a naked picture of me and Marcus
2143with our heads cut off?
2144
2145485
214600:29:56,083 --> 00:29:57,500
2147I just didn't know what to do.
2148
2149486
215000:29:58,416 --> 00:29:59,250
2151I...
2152
2153487
215400:30:00,208 --> 00:30:02,916
2155-didn't know what to do. [sighs]
2156-[music fades out]
2157
2158488
215900:30:04,750 --> 00:30:06,291
2160[fire crackling]
2161
2162489
216300:30:24,208 --> 00:30:25,666
2164[breathes deeply]
2165
2166490
216700:30:27,041 --> 00:30:27,875
2168No.
2169
2170491
217100:30:29,458 --> 00:30:30,291
2172[sniffles]
2173
2174492
217500:30:30,833 --> 00:30:31,791
2176[sobbing] Fucking mad.
2177
2178493
217900:30:33,083 --> 00:30:34,333
2180I'm too fucking mad.
2181
2182494
218300:30:36,916 --> 00:30:37,750
2184[gulps]
2185
2186495
218700:30:37,833 --> 00:30:39,125
2188[sighs] Jesus.
2189
2190496
219100:30:40,041 --> 00:30:40,875
2192[scoffs]
2193
2194497
219500:30:51,333 --> 00:30:53,750
2196[gulps] Can I have a cup of tea?
2197
2198498
219900:31:03,750 --> 00:31:05,750
2200[melancholic music playing]
2201
2202499
220300:31:08,000 --> 00:31:10,291
2204[tires moving over gravel]
2205
2206500
220700:31:21,541 --> 00:31:25,666
2208[Marcus] I, from day one,
2209started to create
2210
2211501
221200:31:25,916 --> 00:31:28,750
2213a different life for Alex
2214than we actually had.
2215
2216502
221700:31:35,708 --> 00:31:39,875
2218I painted a picture of a normal family.
2219We lived in a nice house.
2220
2221503
222200:31:40,166 --> 00:31:42,583
2223Our parents were nice, decent people.
2224
2225504
222600:31:44,958 --> 00:31:46,375
2227But none of that was true.
2228
2229505
223000:31:48,250 --> 00:31:51,500
2231It was a fantasy
2232that I was creating for him.
2233
2234506
223500:31:51,875 --> 00:31:54,375
2236And the longer it went on,
2237the bigger the fantasy.
2238
2239507
224000:31:54,791 --> 00:31:56,791
2241[motorcycle screeching]
2242
2243508
224400:31:58,583 --> 00:32:00,583
2245[music fades out]
2246
2247509
224800:32:07,958 --> 00:32:10,208
2249When Alex came back from the hospital,
2250
2251510
225200:32:11,166 --> 00:32:13,375
2253he didn't know who his mother was.
2254
2255511
225600:32:13,833 --> 00:32:16,666
2257He didn't know his house.
2258He didn't know his bedroom.
2259
2260512
226100:32:16,750 --> 00:32:19,250
2262Didn't know his girlfriend.
2263He didn't know he was in England.
2264
2265513
226600:32:19,333 --> 00:32:22,000
2267He didn't know... anything.
2268
2269514
227000:32:24,291 --> 00:32:27,208
2271But he knew... [loud muffled click] me.
2272
2273515
227400:32:28,416 --> 00:32:29,666
2275He knew who I was.
2276
2277516
227800:32:33,166 --> 00:32:35,750
2279If you've only got one fact in your mind,
2280
2281517
228200:32:36,416 --> 00:32:39,708
2283one thing that you know 100%,
2284one thing that is yours,
2285
2286518
228700:32:40,083 --> 00:32:42,541
2288of your own, not something
2289that anybody's given you,
2290
2291519
229200:32:43,250 --> 00:32:45,541
2293you then build
2294everything around that fact.
2295
2296520
229700:32:48,041 --> 00:32:51,416
2298He had to trust me because
2299he didn't have anybody else to trust.
2300
2301521
230200:32:52,291 --> 00:32:53,666
2303Without me, he had nothing.
2304
2305522
230600:32:56,708 --> 00:33:00,333
2307So I started off,
2308when he got home, with the basics.
2309
2310523
231100:33:00,416 --> 00:33:04,333
2312Who are your parents,
2313where's your room, where's your stuff.
2314
2315524
231600:33:05,375 --> 00:33:09,458
2317And we did it on that basis.
2318It was just one fact after the next fact.
2319
2320525
232100:33:12,250 --> 00:33:17,083
2322And it wasn't until I'd been doing it
2323for about six months that I realized
2324
2325526
232600:33:17,458 --> 00:33:21,541
2327that I had some control over
2328what he knew and what he didn't know.
2329
2330527
233100:33:21,916 --> 00:33:24,875
2332Because everything that I told him
2333he accepted and he believed.
2334
2335528
233600:33:26,625 --> 00:33:28,708
2337So, for instance, he would ask
2338
2339529
234000:33:29,208 --> 00:33:31,083
2341what family holidays we'd go on.
2342
2343530
234400:33:34,583 --> 00:33:37,583
2345The truth was
2346we didn't go on family holidays.
2347
2348531
234900:33:38,291 --> 00:33:41,708
2350And if we went on a holiday,
2351we'd go with other people's families.
2352
2353532
235400:33:42,458 --> 00:33:46,458
2355We'd never go with our parents.
2356But I didn't want to give him that,
2357
2358533
235900:33:46,541 --> 00:33:51,083
2360because that was depressing
2361and sad and not very normal.
2362
2363534
236400:33:51,583 --> 00:33:52,750
2365So instead of saying,
2366
2367535
236800:33:52,833 --> 00:33:55,875
2369"Oh, we didn't go on family holidays
2370because our parents were shit."
2371
2372536
237300:33:56,208 --> 00:33:58,791
2374I said, "Yeah, we'd go
2375on family holidays all the time."
2376
2377537
237800:33:58,875 --> 00:34:01,583
2379Here's a picture of one
2380of the family holidays in France.
2381
2382538
238300:34:02,041 --> 00:34:05,000
2384My Dad spoke French.
2385It seemed like a natural fit.
2386
2387539
238800:34:05,583 --> 00:34:07,000
2389"Ah, right, that's nice."
2390
2391540
239200:34:07,291 --> 00:34:10,041
2393And I did manage to find
2394a picture of us on the beach.
2395
2396541
239700:34:11,041 --> 00:34:12,625
2398And that seemed to satisfy him.
2399
2400542
240100:34:13,833 --> 00:34:17,916
2402He didn't say, "Did we go with Mom?"
2403"Did we go with Dad?"
2404
2405543
240600:34:18,666 --> 00:34:19,916
2407"Did we all go as a family?”
2408
2409544
241000:34:22,083 --> 00:34:23,791
2411He didn't ask any of those questions,
2412
2413545
241400:34:25,125 --> 00:34:26,666
2415and I didn't give him the detail.
2416
2417546
241800:34:29,916 --> 00:34:31,291
2419I'd give him a photo.
2420
2421547
242200:34:32,791 --> 00:34:34,583
2423His imagination did the rest.
2424
2425548
242600:34:38,000 --> 00:34:43,375
2427I gave him a photo album
2428of happy memories,
2429
2430549
243100:34:44,500 --> 00:34:45,625
2432happy times.
2433
2434550
243500:34:47,291 --> 00:34:48,333
2436With none of the shit.
2437
2438551
243900:34:55,500 --> 00:34:59,041
2440I tried to not make anything up.
2441I just left stuff out.
2442
2443552
244400:35:01,208 --> 00:35:03,000
2445If he'd started
2446challenging me on everything,
2447
2448553
244900:35:03,916 --> 00:35:05,500
2450the whole thing would've broken down,
2451
2452554
245300:35:05,583 --> 00:35:08,416
2454and he would've worked out very early on
2455what was really going on here.
2456
2457555
245800:35:12,791 --> 00:35:14,916
2459But you've got to remember,
2460he'd lost all memory.
2461
2462556
246300:35:16,250 --> 00:35:20,041
2464So I wasn't being challenged
2465at any point about anything.
2466
2467557
246800:35:20,458 --> 00:35:23,500
2469So If I said he went on a family holiday,
2470we went on a family holiday.
2471
2472558
247300:35:24,000 --> 00:35:25,875
2474Period. He didn't ask again.
2475
2476559
247700:35:28,166 --> 00:35:31,041
2478And I did that all the way up
2479until he was 32 years old.
2480
2481560
248200:35:36,333 --> 00:35:37,458
2483[music fades out]
2484
2485561
248600:35:38,250 --> 00:35:42,666
2487He had total blind faith
2488in everything that I told him.
2489
2490562
249100:35:48,708 --> 00:35:51,166
2492[Alex] That's the key to this whole thing...
2493
2494563
249500:35:52,708 --> 00:35:53,916
2496is the word trust.
2497
2498564
249900:35:55,458 --> 00:35:58,791
2500I had no reason not to trust him
2501or question him.
2502
2503565
250400:36:00,250 --> 00:36:02,166
2505So that's how-- how this--
2506
2507566
250800:36:02,250 --> 00:36:05,375
2509A lot of people think, just cannot believe
2510that this is even possible.
2511
2512567
251300:36:05,458 --> 00:36:07,666
2514But if you have blinding trust,
2515it is possible.
2516
2517568
251800:36:07,750 --> 00:36:08,708
2519[inhales]
2520
2521569
252200:36:10,541 --> 00:36:11,375
2523[gulps]
2524
2525570
252600:36:12,416 --> 00:36:14,041
2527I had no reason to doubt him, did I?
2528
2529571
253000:36:15,791 --> 00:36:16,625
2531[exhales]
2532
2533572
253400:36:16,708 --> 00:36:17,541
2535[clink]
2536
2537573
253800:36:20,833 --> 00:36:22,583
2539[Marcus] To start with,
2540it was quite simple
2541
2542574
254300:36:22,666 --> 00:36:24,125
2544because I had all the answers.
2545
2546575
254700:36:24,791 --> 00:36:28,916
2548But, as time goes by,
2549the questions get more complicated,
2550
2551576
255200:36:29,000 --> 00:36:30,833
2553the questions get more directed,
2554
2555577
255600:36:31,000 --> 00:36:33,166
2557and then you have to start remembering
2558
2559578
256000:36:33,250 --> 00:36:35,750
2561what he haven't told him,
2562remembering what you have told him.
2563
2564579
256500:36:36,458 --> 00:36:39,625
2566So then it became
2567a conscious choice to actually...
2568
2569580
257000:36:40,833 --> 00:36:41,666
2571lie.
2572
2573581
257400:36:41,750 --> 00:36:43,750
2575[suspenseful music playing]
2576
2577582
257800:36:44,291 --> 00:36:47,875
2579So he would ask,
2580"Is our mother a good mother?"
2581
2582583
258300:36:47,958 --> 00:36:48,875
2584[inhales]
2585
2586584
258700:36:49,583 --> 00:36:54,166
2588And I'd say, "Yeah, our mother's cool."
2589And that would be the end of the question.
2590
2591585
259200:36:55,750 --> 00:36:58,458
2593You would say to me,
2594"Well, that's not an acceptable answer.
2595
2596586
259700:36:58,583 --> 00:37:00,875
2598What am I supposed to do with,
2599'Our mother's cool.'
2600
2601587
260200:37:00,958 --> 00:37:04,000
2603I want more. What was she like?
2604How did she look after us?
2605
2606588
260700:37:04,083 --> 00:37:07,791
2608Does she love us? [inhales]
2609You know, has she been a good mother?"
2610
2611589
261200:37:08,125 --> 00:37:10,250
2613But he wasn't asking
2614any questions like that.
2615
2616590
261700:37:10,333 --> 00:37:14,375
2618He just wanted to know,
2619"Is my mother cool?" "Yes, she is."
2620
2621591
262200:37:14,750 --> 00:37:17,208
2623Great. Pop that in the memory bank.
2624Move on.
2625
2626592
262700:37:25,375 --> 00:37:29,375
2628[Alex] It's amazing I never noticed
2629that the stories didn't line up.
2630
2631593
263200:37:33,375 --> 00:37:37,083
2633I cannot believe I never
2634stopped to say to him,
2635
2636594
263700:37:37,333 --> 00:37:38,958
2638"That doesn't all fit together."
2639
2640595
264100:37:39,958 --> 00:37:44,333
2642Right in my entire twenties
2643I never questioned it.
2644
2645596
264600:37:55,666 --> 00:37:57,041
2647[soughing wind]
2648
2649597
265000:37:57,125 --> 00:37:59,041
2651[Marcus] Once I'd stepped into that realm,
2652
2653598
265400:38:00,375 --> 00:38:02,083
2655of not telling him the truth...
2656
2657599
265800:38:04,041 --> 00:38:05,333
2659I couldn't get out of it.
2660
2661600
266200:38:07,375 --> 00:38:09,166
2663And it then just snowballed
2664
2665601
266600:38:09,625 --> 00:38:12,416
2667to a point I had to stick
2668with what I'd told him.
2669
2670602
267100:38:12,500 --> 00:38:14,125
2672[music fades out]
2673
2674603
267500:38:15,000 --> 00:38:18,000
2676Because otherwise I had
2677to admit to him that I'd made
2678
2679604
268000:38:18,625 --> 00:38:21,166
2681a life up that didn't exist.
2682
2683605
268400:38:21,250 --> 00:38:23,250
2685[rain pattering]
2686
2687606
268800:38:32,083 --> 00:38:35,125
2689Lying to my brother has a toll on you.
2690
2691607
269200:38:38,375 --> 00:38:42,208
2693And it alters the way
2694that you feel about yourself.
2695
2696608
269700:38:44,541 --> 00:38:49,541
2698I was lying to my best friend,
2699my partner, my other half,
2700
2701609
270200:38:49,750 --> 00:38:54,500
2703every single day.
2704And the guilt in doing that is so big.
2705
2706610
270700:38:55,708 --> 00:38:57,833
2708But telling him the truth was
2709
2710611
271100:38:57,916 --> 00:39:00,708
2712a thousand times worse
2713than telling him a lie.
2714
2715612
271600:39:02,208 --> 00:39:05,083
2717So I was damned if I did,
2718and I was damned if I didn't.
2719
2720613
272100:39:06,958 --> 00:39:08,958
2722[tires moving over gravel]
2723
2724614
272500:39:10,083 --> 00:39:11,833
2726So I had to choose between the two.
2727
2728615
272900:39:15,166 --> 00:39:17,583
2730And so I chose, in the end,
2731
2732616
273300:39:18,375 --> 00:39:22,000
2734to never tell him the truth
2735of what happened in his childhood.
2736
2737617
273800:39:38,041 --> 00:39:39,458
2739[Marcus] We all like to think that
2740
2741618
274200:39:39,916 --> 00:39:42,500
2743we'd know who a pedophile is
2744when they walk in a room,
2745
2746619
274700:39:43,541 --> 00:39:45,458
2748because they've got a big label on them.
2749
2750620
275100:39:46,375 --> 00:39:49,083
2752But in reality, it's just not like that.
2753
2754621
275500:39:53,583 --> 00:39:56,416
2756My mother sexually abused us
2757
2758622
275900:39:57,041 --> 00:39:59,125
2760up to the age of about 12 or 14.
2761
2762623
276300:40:01,708 --> 00:40:03,958
2764[tearfully] And why would you want
2765to give that?
2766
2767624
276800:40:04,041 --> 00:40:06,875
2769I mean, what's that?
2770I mean that's something...
2771
2772625
277300:40:07,375 --> 00:40:09,041
2774[normal voice] if I just told you today
2775
2776626
277700:40:09,291 --> 00:40:11,875
2778that that happened in your childhood,
2779you knew nothing about it,
2780
2781627
278200:40:12,125 --> 00:40:13,625
2783it would fuck the rest of your life up.
2784
2785628
278600:40:15,708 --> 00:40:17,458
2787Why would you feel that it's necessary
2788
2789629
279000:40:17,833 --> 00:40:20,958
2791to give an emotionally
2792disturbed 18-year-old
2793
2794630
279500:40:21,541 --> 00:40:23,625
2796information that he can't handle
2797
2798631
279900:40:24,000 --> 00:40:26,500
2800and is not necessary for him to know?
2801
2802632
280300:40:28,500 --> 00:40:30,708
2804And if it was the other round,
2805I would expect him...
2806
2807633
280800:40:31,791 --> 00:40:33,541
2809I'd expect him to do the same.
2810
2811634
281200:40:34,333 --> 00:40:37,583
2813I would want him to do the same.
2814I'd be angry if he hadn't done it.
2815
2816635
281700:40:38,916 --> 00:40:41,083
2818And I do feel
2819very passionately about that.
2820
2821636
282200:40:41,541 --> 00:40:42,458
2823[inhales deeply]
2824
2825637
282600:40:42,541 --> 00:40:44,666
2827There are people that say,
2828"The truth is the truth,
2829
2830638
283100:40:44,750 --> 00:40:47,500
2832and you should've told him.
2833And he would have to go to therapy,
2834
2835639
283600:40:47,583 --> 00:40:50,416
2837and he'd have to deal with all
2838of those things for the rest of his life.
2839
2840640
284100:40:50,666 --> 00:40:53,791
2842And it wasn't up to you to play God.
2843And it wasn't up to you
2844
2845641
284600:40:54,375 --> 00:40:56,541
2847to-- to take away those things."
2848
2849642
285000:40:56,625 --> 00:40:59,125
2851[tearfully] But for me, [sniffles]
2852the way I feel,
2853
2854643
285500:41:00,250 --> 00:41:03,083
2856I have it... and it's a shit feeling.
2857
2858644
285900:41:06,041 --> 00:41:07,708
2860[normal voice]
2861He doesn't have that feeling.
2862
2863645
286400:41:07,791 --> 00:41:10,083
2865He doesn't know
2866what it feels like to feel like that.
2867
2868646
286900:41:10,166 --> 00:41:12,333
2870I gave him a present
2871of not knowing any of that.
2872
2873647
287400:41:14,166 --> 00:41:16,750
2875And so, for me, that has to be a gift.
2876
2877648
287800:41:16,916 --> 00:41:19,708
2879It has to be something precious
2880
2881649
288200:41:19,791 --> 00:41:23,041
2883that any human being would give
2884to another one that they love.
2885
2886650
288700:41:23,166 --> 00:41:25,875
2888[tearfully] Anybody would do that.
2889[sighs, gulps]
2890
2891651
289200:41:45,333 --> 00:41:47,333
2893[melancholic music playing]
2894
2895652
289600:41:49,375 --> 00:41:53,583
2897I had been living this life for Alex
2898
2899653
290000:41:54,583 --> 00:41:55,875
2901for so many years,
2902
2903654
290400:41:57,541 --> 00:41:59,583
2905doing all of the things
2906that I was meant to do
2907
2908655
290900:41:59,666 --> 00:42:02,333
2910that fitted the narrative
2911that I'd been giving him.
2912
2913656
291400:42:05,083 --> 00:42:09,166
2915It would be her birthday, and we'd arrive
2916at the house, and we'd all hug and kiss.
2917
2918657
291900:42:10,625 --> 00:42:12,666
2920I mean, I just don't know
2921what she was thinking.
2922
2923658
292400:42:13,958 --> 00:42:16,125
2925"Look, I've fucked these boys' lives up,
2926
2927659
292800:42:16,208 --> 00:42:18,000
2929and here they are
2930singing Happy Birthday to me."
2931
2932660
293300:42:24,083 --> 00:42:26,833
2934We'd make a cake,
2935and we'd all make a fuss, and we'd sing,
2936
2937661
293800:42:26,916 --> 00:42:29,500
2939and we'd do all of the things
2940that you were meant to do in a family.
2941
2942662
294300:42:30,500 --> 00:42:32,791
2944Alex was doing
2945what it said in the story books.
2946
2947663
294800:42:33,375 --> 00:42:35,791
2949He was doing what it said in the movies.
2950
2951664
295200:42:37,666 --> 00:42:41,333
2953"Go and give your Mom a kiss.
2954Go and give this lady a kiss."
2955
2956665
295700:42:43,791 --> 00:42:45,500
2958And I watched from the sidelines.
2959
2960666
296100:42:51,416 --> 00:42:55,000
2962The pain and anguish
2963that was going on inside me was explosive!
2964
2965667
296600:42:56,291 --> 00:43:00,083
2967And the power
2968of just wanting it to go away
2969
2970668
297100:43:00,541 --> 00:43:03,583
2972is so intense and so strong
2973
2974669
297500:43:04,791 --> 00:43:09,500
2976that I began to believe
2977the reality that I was creating.
2978
2979670
298000:43:10,666 --> 00:43:14,541
2981I needed to feel that actually
2982it had never happened to me.
2983
2984671
298500:43:18,041 --> 00:43:21,458
2986Alex lost his memory by accident.
2987
2988672
298900:43:23,791 --> 00:43:26,041
2990And I lost my memory voluntarily.
2991
2992673
299300:43:30,833 --> 00:43:33,666
2994And it was great. And I was free.
2995
2996674
299700:43:34,916 --> 00:43:37,500
2998And I could be rid
2999of all the things that she'd done to me.
3000
3001675
300200:43:38,333 --> 00:43:41,250
3003[tearfully] And all this hurt
3004that she caused me.
3005
3006676
300700:43:41,833 --> 00:43:43,458
3008[sniffles] And all the shame.
3009
3010677
301100:43:46,250 --> 00:43:47,333
3012You feel ashamed.
3013
3014678
301500:43:48,416 --> 00:43:49,583
3016You feel dirty.
3017
3018679
301900:43:50,583 --> 00:43:51,666
3020You feel used.
3021
3022680
302300:43:55,541 --> 00:43:56,708
3024And all that was gone.
3025
3026681
302700:44:04,666 --> 00:44:07,166
3028I then suddenly had a nice childhood.
3029
3030682
303100:44:09,125 --> 00:44:10,916
3032I then suddenly had nice parents.
3033
3034683
303500:44:12,791 --> 00:44:14,333
3036I then wasn't abused.
3037
3038684
303900:44:15,958 --> 00:44:18,250
3040All of these things
3041never happened to me either.
3042
3043685
304400:44:19,541 --> 00:44:23,083
3045So I was helping him
3046not to have that childhood,
3047
3048686
304900:44:23,500 --> 00:44:25,625
3050and I was helping myself at the same time.
3051
3052687
305300:44:28,458 --> 00:44:30,458
3054And it was magical.
3055
3056688
305700:44:33,625 --> 00:44:36,041
3058If I close my eyes
3059and really concentrated,
3060
3061689
306200:44:36,541 --> 00:44:38,041
3063of course it would all come back.
3064
3065690
306600:44:38,625 --> 00:44:40,666
3067But on the surface, on a daily level,
3068
3069691
307000:44:41,625 --> 00:44:43,375
3071I lived in the same circle as him.
3072
3073692
307400:44:45,000 --> 00:44:47,625
3075So it was a circle of convenience for me,
3076
3077693
307800:44:48,625 --> 00:44:50,125
3079and it was a necessary...
3080
3081694
308200:44:52,541 --> 00:44:54,458
3083evil lie...
3084
3085695
308600:44:56,916 --> 00:44:58,458
3087whatever you wanna call it for him.
3088
3089696
309000:45:03,875 --> 00:45:04,708
3091[sniffs]
3092
3093697
309400:45:05,791 --> 00:45:06,625
3095[gulps]
3096
3097698
309800:45:11,625 --> 00:45:13,125
3099Once my mother had died,
3100
3101699
310200:45:14,000 --> 00:45:16,208
3103once we had got her in the ground
3104and she was gone,
3105
3106700
310700:45:17,083 --> 00:45:20,500
3108then it was as if
3109the whole saga was finished.
3110
3111701
311200:45:21,000 --> 00:45:23,000
3113[fire crackling]
3114
3115702
311600:45:28,000 --> 00:45:32,541
3117When Alex found the photo,
3118he was experiencing confusion.
3119
3120703
312100:45:34,291 --> 00:45:38,250
3122When I found the photo, I was experiencing
3123
3124704
312500:45:39,125 --> 00:45:41,333
3126the horror of what had happened to me.
3127
3128705
312900:45:43,541 --> 00:45:44,875
3130It can't be anything else.
3131
3132706
313300:45:45,208 --> 00:45:47,208
3134It can't be an accident.
3135
3136707
313700:45:47,291 --> 00:45:49,958
3138She couldn't have slipped with
3139the scissors and chopped the heads off.
3140
3141708
314200:45:50,750 --> 00:45:53,500
3143It was something macabre and disturbing
3144
3145709
314600:45:54,500 --> 00:45:58,458
3147that needed to be
3148put back in a jar instantly,
3149
3150710
315100:45:59,541 --> 00:46:02,333
3152or risk falling into the abyss.
3153
3154711
315500:46:04,916 --> 00:46:08,000
3156[Alex] That photo changed it for me.
3157
3158712
315900:46:09,833 --> 00:46:13,125
3160I just walked straight into the kitchen.
3161
3162713
316300:46:14,000 --> 00:46:17,708
3164Marcus is standing there,
3165and I said to him,
3166
3167714
316800:46:18,333 --> 00:46:21,791
3169"Were we sexually abused or not?"
3170
3171715
317200:46:22,875 --> 00:46:24,958
3173And he turned around, and he went white.
3174
3175716
317600:46:25,791 --> 00:46:28,958
3177He didn't know what to do. He turned
3178around, he had a cup of tea in his hand,
3179
3180717
318100:46:29,416 --> 00:46:31,708
3182and it dropped out
3183of his hand onto the floor.
3184
3185718
318600:46:32,291 --> 00:46:38,166
3187In that split second,
3188the whole circle evaporated instantly.
3189
3190719
319100:46:39,208 --> 00:46:42,625
3192And I'll never forget it,
3193because I knew the game was up.
3194
3195720
319600:46:42,750 --> 00:46:45,875
3197-[melancholic violin music playing]
3198-And he just looked at me,
3199
3200721
320100:46:46,875 --> 00:46:48,083
3202he was silent.
3203
3204722
320500:46:50,416 --> 00:46:56,500
3206He nodded. He just nodded a yes to me.
3207He didn't say anything, he just nodded.
3208
3209723
321000:46:57,416 --> 00:46:59,541
3211And then he turned around,
3212put his back to me,
3213
3214724
321500:47:00,583 --> 00:47:01,958
3216and walked into the garden.
3217
3218725
321900:47:14,125 --> 00:47:18,041
3220I say, "Did Mommy abuse us or not?"
3221He said, "Yes, she did."
3222
3223726
322400:47:19,833 --> 00:47:21,500
3225He just put his arm around me,
3226
3227727
322800:47:22,166 --> 00:47:23,916
3229and he said,
3230
3231728
323200:47:24,791 --> 00:47:26,458
3233"Yeah, it's true."
3234
3235729
323600:47:29,291 --> 00:47:32,000
3237And we cried, both of us.
3238
3239730
324000:47:33,958 --> 00:47:35,666
3241[exasperated sigh]
3242
3243731
324400:47:38,083 --> 00:47:39,625
3245[cries]
3246
3247732
324800:47:42,166 --> 00:47:44,166
3249[exasperated sigh]
3250
3251733
325200:47:49,041 --> 00:47:52,541
3253I just cried and cried. [sighs]
3254[tearfully] For days.
3255
3256734
325700:47:54,458 --> 00:47:55,791
3258For days and days.
3259
3260735
326100:47:57,000 --> 00:47:59,875
3262And... I just didn't know what to do.
3263
3264736
326500:48:00,875 --> 00:48:01,708
3266I...
3267
3268737
326900:48:02,583 --> 00:48:03,916
3270didn't know what to do.
3271
3272738
327300:48:04,500 --> 00:48:05,416
3274[sighs]
3275
3276739
327700:48:12,000 --> 00:48:15,000
3278I just kept saying, "No, it can't be
3279Mommy. You've got it wrong."
3280
3281740
328200:48:16,625 --> 00:48:18,375
3283Our mother couldn't be a pedophile.
3284
3285741
328600:48:19,750 --> 00:48:21,208
3287She's not that kind of woman.
3288
3289742
329000:48:23,458 --> 00:48:27,791
3291She had her eccentricities to her,
3292but she wasn't that.
3293
3294743
329500:48:34,166 --> 00:48:38,041
3296[Marcus] To my knowledge,
3297my father never abused us.
3298
3299744
330000:48:39,750 --> 00:48:42,875
3301And, as much as I hated him
3302because he was so horrible,
3303
3304745
330500:48:43,583 --> 00:48:46,500
3306I don't believe he ever knew
3307that my mother was abusing us.
3308
3309746
331000:48:47,416 --> 00:48:48,750
3311I would like to think he did,
3312
3313747
331400:48:48,833 --> 00:48:51,708
3315and he should have done
3316something about it, but he didn't.
3317
3318748
331900:48:54,458 --> 00:48:56,958
3320She had that amazing ability to...
3321
3322749
332300:48:57,750 --> 00:48:59,916
3324almost hypnotize
3325
3326750
332700:49:00,208 --> 00:49:03,416
3328people around her
3329and get them to do what she wanted to do.
3330
3331751
333200:49:05,083 --> 00:49:07,041
3333Everybody thought
3334she was amazing and lovely,
3335
3336752
333700:49:07,500 --> 00:49:08,791
3338when underneath she wasn't.
3339
3340753
334100:49:09,666 --> 00:49:13,375
3342Underneath she was
3343a very complicated and...
3344
3345754
334600:49:15,291 --> 00:49:16,416
3347cruel person.
3348
3349755
335000:49:20,541 --> 00:49:23,083
3351[Alex] As hard as it was to accept
3352what Mommy had done,
3353
3354756
335500:49:24,333 --> 00:49:27,458
3356it was much harder to accept
3357what Marcus had done.
3358
3359757
336000:49:31,833 --> 00:49:35,708
3361That my own twin had actually lied to me.
3362
3363758
336400:49:39,291 --> 00:49:42,125
3365-The one person that I absolutely...
3366-[Marcus sighs]
3367
3368759
336900:49:42,541 --> 00:49:44,208
3370...trusted 100%
3371
3372760
337300:49:44,833 --> 00:49:45,958
3374has now betrayed me.
3375
3376761
337700:49:48,291 --> 00:49:49,541
3378I was angry with him.
3379
3380762
338100:49:50,250 --> 00:49:52,250
3382Really angry with him
3383for the first time ever.
3384
3385763
338600:49:53,541 --> 00:49:57,333
3387I was angry with him
3388that we knew everything about each other,
3389
3390764
339100:49:57,541 --> 00:50:00,208
3392and we had no secrets.
3393We'd do everything together,
3394
3395765
339600:50:00,833 --> 00:50:06,125
3397yet, behind all of that,
3398he still had a secret.
3399
3400766
340100:50:07,625 --> 00:50:11,541
3402How could we have secrets?
3403We don't have secrets. We're twins.
3404
3405767
340600:50:11,833 --> 00:50:14,125
3407We're identical twins. We're joined.
3408
3409768
341000:50:14,375 --> 00:50:16,583
3411Secrets is not something that exists
3412
3413769
341400:50:17,333 --> 00:50:19,583
3415and has no place in our relationship.
3416
3417770
341800:50:21,125 --> 00:50:22,958
3419And yet, here it is.
3420
3421771
342200:50:23,250 --> 00:50:24,916
3423[Marcus] I was almost free of it.
3424
3425772
342600:50:25,041 --> 00:50:29,291
3427I genuinely got rid of it out of myself,
3428out of my head.
3429
3430773
343100:50:30,000 --> 00:50:32,375
3432And Alex had just fucking taken it
3433
3434774
343500:50:32,458 --> 00:50:34,875
3436from this place
3437that I'd worked so hard to put it
3438
3439775
344000:50:35,083 --> 00:50:39,500
3441and just dumped it on the table.
3442In one second, just like that.
3443
3444776
344500:50:41,083 --> 00:50:43,250
3446I challenged him on it,
3447
3448777
344900:50:43,791 --> 00:50:47,250
3450and he just quite simply said
3451that he wasn't prepared to talk about it.
3452
3453778
345400:50:48,166 --> 00:50:51,750
3455He said there was sexual abuse,
3456and that was it.
3457
3458779
345900:50:51,875 --> 00:50:53,208
3460That was all he gave me.
3461
3462780
346300:50:55,333 --> 00:50:57,500
3464He would come and ask me, I'd say nothing.
3465
3466781
346700:50:57,583 --> 00:51:00,833
3468He'd come and ask me, I'd say nothing.
3469
3470782
347100:51:01,208 --> 00:51:03,208
3472I'd gone into shutdown.
3473
3474783
347500:51:03,583 --> 00:51:05,875
3476You know what, I've given you
3477the one piece of information,
3478
3479784
348000:51:05,958 --> 00:51:08,750
3481I said yes.
3482That's all you need to know.
3483
3484785
348500:51:11,291 --> 00:51:14,666
3486And we never spoke about any of it.
3487
3488786
348900:51:16,916 --> 00:51:18,125
3490[Marcus] I couldn't cope.
3491
3492787
349300:51:18,833 --> 00:51:21,250
3494I simply could not cope
3495
3496788
349700:51:21,833 --> 00:51:25,458
3498with the pain, with the--
3499with the kind of anguish of-- [inhales]
3500
3501789
350200:51:25,916 --> 00:51:28,000
3503I didn't have the tools to deal with it.
3504
3505790
350600:51:29,250 --> 00:51:31,958
3507I just wanted to run away
3508and hide in a hole.
3509
3510791
351100:51:33,125 --> 00:51:34,250
3512And that's what I did.
3513
3514792
351500:51:41,500 --> 00:51:43,500
3516[thunder rumbling]
3517
3518793
351900:51:46,125 --> 00:51:47,416
3520[heavy rain pattering]
3521
3522794
352300:51:54,958 --> 00:51:56,208
3524[Alex] I was on my own.
3525
3526795
352700:51:57,583 --> 00:52:01,291
3528Possibly on my own
3529for the first time in my entire life.
3530
3531796
353200:52:02,375 --> 00:52:04,375
3533[melancholic music playing]
3534
3535797
353600:52:04,583 --> 00:52:06,208
3537I had lost my twin.
3538
3539798
354000:52:07,208 --> 00:52:11,583
3541My one link to my whole existence.
3542
3543799
354400:52:17,916 --> 00:52:20,500
3545I was left with no details
3546of what my mom had done.
3547
3548800
354900:52:20,791 --> 00:52:24,000
3550I was left with no details
3551about which part of my life was real
3552
3553801
355400:52:24,083 --> 00:52:25,291
3555and which parts weren't.
3556
3557802
355800:52:26,416 --> 00:52:27,250
3559Nothing.
3560
3561803
356200:52:28,875 --> 00:52:30,875
3563[tires moving over gravel]
3564
3565804
356600:52:41,208 --> 00:52:42,958
3567What made this so hard
3568
3569805
357000:52:43,291 --> 00:52:46,708
3571was that I'd built my life
3572around what Marcus had given me.
3573
3574806
357500:52:49,125 --> 00:52:53,166
3576So it wasn't that I'd just lost Marcus,
3577I had also just lost myself.
3578
3579807
358000:52:56,166 --> 00:53:00,625
3581I've re-built my life
3582from the age of 18 with nothing.
3583
3584808
358500:53:01,791 --> 00:53:06,041
3586I'm now 32, and I'm back
3587to where I was before, ground zero.
3588
3589809
359000:53:06,125 --> 00:53:07,250
3591I'm back to nothing.
3592
3593810
359400:53:07,916 --> 00:53:10,833
3595I'm starting again, for the second time.
3596
3597811
359800:53:11,916 --> 00:53:17,291
3599If that's possible. And I've got
3600to restructure my entire life again!
3601
3602812
360300:53:18,500 --> 00:53:20,500
3604[rummaging]
3605
3606813
360700:53:27,791 --> 00:53:29,166
3608So I started
3609
3610814
361100:53:29,750 --> 00:53:33,375
3612trying to find out who my mother was,
3613
3614815
361500:53:35,125 --> 00:53:36,833
3616what sort of person she was.
3617
3618816
361900:53:38,875 --> 00:53:40,750
3620What was this secret life like?
3621
3622817
362300:53:41,125 --> 00:53:43,125
3624[melancholic piano music playing]
3625
3626818
362700:53:47,708 --> 00:53:51,708
3628And that was almost an obsession.
3629
3630819
363100:53:56,041 --> 00:53:58,750
3632I started piecing things together.
3633
3634820
363500:54:00,625 --> 00:54:05,333
3636I started finding newspaper clips
3637of my mother when she was a debutante.
3638
3639821
364000:54:05,416 --> 00:54:09,291
3641And I started finding,
3642you know, any pieces of information.
3643
3644822
364500:54:14,958 --> 00:54:17,375
3646Mixed in with the letters
3647that you would expect to see,
3648
3649823
365000:54:18,375 --> 00:54:21,375
3651I found lots of passionate love letters.
3652
3653824
365400:54:22,750 --> 00:54:26,125
3655Letters from people in the army, colonels,
3656
3657825
365800:54:26,208 --> 00:54:28,208
3659quite prominent people.
3660
3661826
366200:54:30,375 --> 00:54:33,000
3663Every single one of them
3664absolutely adored her.
3665
3666827
366700:54:35,916 --> 00:54:39,541
3668I started to realize that her whole
3669
3670828
367100:54:39,791 --> 00:54:42,500
3672life revolved around sex.
3673
3674829
367500:54:44,625 --> 00:54:47,791
3676She had some sort of spell over them.
3677
3678830
367900:54:55,916 --> 00:54:57,291
3680I did love my mother.
3681
3682831
368300:54:59,500 --> 00:55:01,583
3684And she was part of my life.
3685
3686832
368700:55:04,000 --> 00:55:07,625
3688And it was very, very difficult
3689
3690833
369100:55:08,083 --> 00:55:11,500
3692to marry up the two moms.
3693
3694834
369500:55:13,375 --> 00:55:15,833
3696The one I knew
3697and the one I found out about.
3698
3699835
370000:55:17,250 --> 00:55:19,041
3701It's just...
3702
3703836
370400:55:20,166 --> 00:55:21,750
3705bigger than I thought it was.
3706
3707837
370800:55:31,250 --> 00:55:33,458
3709It sent me into an unbelievable spin.
3710
3711838
371200:55:33,541 --> 00:55:35,375
3713-[cork popping]
3714-[people cheering]
3715
3716839
371700:55:37,208 --> 00:55:38,666
3718What is real and what isn't real?
3719
3720840
372100:55:39,875 --> 00:55:41,625
3722What if the whole damn lot...
3723
3724841
372500:55:41,708 --> 00:55:43,125
3726[loud muffled boom]
3727
3728842
372900:55:43,375 --> 00:55:44,833
3730...is a made up story?
3731
3732843
373300:55:49,125 --> 00:55:52,625
3734-Nothing makes sense.
3735-[high pitched ringing]
3736
3737844
373800:55:53,583 --> 00:55:56,541
3739[motorcycle squeals, loud bang]
3740
3741845
374200:55:57,333 --> 00:55:58,875
3743What else don't I know?
3744
3745846
374600:55:59,291 --> 00:56:01,291
3747[silence]
3748
3749847
375000:56:13,750 --> 00:56:15,875
3751I got so down and so depressed
3752
3753848
375400:56:17,666 --> 00:56:19,458
3755and so confused...
3756
3757849
375800:56:20,291 --> 00:56:21,666
3759about who I was.
3760
3761850
376200:56:24,750 --> 00:56:27,291
3763I even had suicidal thoughts.
3764
3765851
376600:56:27,625 --> 00:56:31,041
3767I-- I couldn't, I just couldn't cope
3768with day-to-day life.
3769
3770852
377100:56:36,666 --> 00:56:37,958
3772And it was very...
3773
3774853
377500:56:40,250 --> 00:56:41,250
3776difficult...
3777
3778854
377900:56:42,708 --> 00:56:43,666
3780to deal with.
3781
3782855
378300:56:49,125 --> 00:56:53,083
3784One of the big things that saves me
3785was meeting my wife.
3786
3787856
378800:56:54,666 --> 00:56:58,000
3789I met someone who was prepared
3790not only to take me on,
3791
3792857
379300:56:58,291 --> 00:57:02,125
3794but was prepared to take on
3795this extraordinary history
3796
3797858
379800:57:03,500 --> 00:57:06,958
3799and help me through
3800my quest for the truth.
3801
3802859
380300:57:08,250 --> 00:57:09,833
3804[melancholic music playing]
3805
3806860
380700:57:09,958 --> 00:57:12,375
3808So we got married,
3809and we've had two children.
3810
3811861
381200:57:13,708 --> 00:57:16,333
3813And Marcus also got married,
3814and he's got two children.
3815
3816862
381700:57:16,416 --> 00:57:17,333
3818[inhales]
3819
3820863
382100:57:17,416 --> 00:57:19,083
3822And we both got on with our lives.
3823
3824864
382500:57:24,166 --> 00:57:27,166
3826[Marcus] I was determined
3827to not let this affect my life.
3828
3829865
383000:57:27,500 --> 00:57:30,791
3831So I managed to put it away
3832into Pandora's box, shut the lid,
3833
3834866
383500:57:31,250 --> 00:57:33,666
3836and get on with a very happy life.
3837
3838867
383900:57:34,416 --> 00:57:35,541
3840I've had lots of fun.
3841
3842868
384300:57:35,625 --> 00:57:38,333
3844I've had amazing relationships.
3845I've got an amazing wife.
3846
3847869
384800:57:38,416 --> 00:57:41,000
3849I've done all these incredible things
3850in my life
3851
3852870
385300:57:41,208 --> 00:57:44,000
3854without having to deal
3855with any of that stuff.
3856
3857871
385800:57:44,083 --> 00:57:45,375
3859I just locked it away.
3860
3861872
386200:57:52,500 --> 00:57:56,041
3863[Alex] I think what makes
3864this story even more strange
3865
3866873
386700:57:56,458 --> 00:58:00,083
3868is the fact
3869that we do everything together.
3870
3871874
387200:58:01,250 --> 00:58:03,583
3873For the last 20 years,
3874we've worked together,
3875
3876875
387700:58:03,875 --> 00:58:06,833
3878we run our companies together,
3879we do everything together.
3880
3881876
388200:58:11,500 --> 00:58:13,666
3883We even wrote a book
3884about our experience.
3885
3886877
388700:58:16,375 --> 00:58:18,416
3888But Marcus just wouldn't open up.
3889
3890878
389100:58:21,458 --> 00:58:24,166
3892He wouldn't go
3893where I needed him to go.
3894
3895879
389600:58:29,125 --> 00:58:30,625
3897I had questions,
3898
3899880
390000:58:32,000 --> 00:58:33,458
3901and I needed answers.
3902
3903881
390400:58:34,625 --> 00:58:37,541
3905And he wasn't prepared to give them to me.
3906
3907882
390800:58:38,625 --> 00:58:40,875
3909And still hasn't to this day.
3910
3911883
391200:58:43,041 --> 00:58:43,958
3913[music fades out]
3914
3915884
391600:58:46,666 --> 00:58:49,250
3917[Marcus] I've been silent
3918about the real details
3919
3920885
392100:58:49,333 --> 00:58:50,958
3922of what happened for 20 years.
3923
3924886
392500:58:52,500 --> 00:58:54,708
3926And I look back on it now,
3927it's appalling what I did.
3928
3929887
393000:58:55,625 --> 00:58:57,458
3931I should have gone and given him a hug.
3932
3933888
393400:58:57,625 --> 00:59:00,541
3935We should've sat down and talked about it,
3936"How we're gonna get through it?
3937
3938889
393900:59:00,625 --> 00:59:03,916
3940Let's go for some therapy.
3941Let's do this together."
3942
3943890
394400:59:04,291 --> 00:59:05,500
3945And I did the opposite.
3946
3947891
394800:59:08,083 --> 00:59:10,083
3949[melancholic music playing]
3950
3951892
395200:59:10,791 --> 00:59:13,333
3953I left him to hang out and dry,
3954all on his own.
3955
3956893
395700:59:15,541 --> 00:59:19,333
3958[scoffs] I mean, I just can't believe
3959that I was capable of doing that...
3960
3961894
396200:59:19,958 --> 00:59:20,833
3963to him.
3964
3965895
396600:59:21,625 --> 00:59:24,041
3967And it's shameful, what I did.
3968
3969896
397000:59:26,333 --> 00:59:29,875
3971And one day
3972he'll forgive me for that, but...
3973
3974897
397500:59:31,791 --> 00:59:33,666
3976[breathes deeply]
3977
3978898
397900:59:35,125 --> 00:59:36,166
3980It's too much.
3981
3982899
398300:59:38,041 --> 00:59:39,000
3984Too much.
3985
3986900
398700:59:39,666 --> 00:59:41,666
3988[breathing deeply]
3989
3990901
399100:59:45,916 --> 00:59:48,000
3992[music fades out]
3993
3994902
399500:59:58,375 --> 00:59:59,708
3996[eerie music playing]
3997
3998903
399901:00:00,000 --> 01:00:02,000
4000[breathes deeply]
4001
4002904
400301:00:10,333 --> 01:00:12,416
4004[Alex] I still don't know who I am.
4005
4006905
400701:00:15,125 --> 01:00:17,125
4008[breathes deeply]
4009
4010906
401101:00:18,125 --> 01:00:20,208
4012What I need my brother
4013to do now is talk...
4014
4015907
401601:00:22,666 --> 01:00:26,833
4017so I can work out what is real
4018and what isn't real.
4019
4020908
402101:00:31,583 --> 01:00:34,166
4022I need him to give me
4023the last piece of the jigsaw puzzle.
4024
4025909
402601:00:37,375 --> 01:00:38,666
4027What really happened
4028
4029910
403001:00:40,875 --> 01:00:42,000
4031back in that house
4032
4033911
403401:00:44,166 --> 01:00:45,375
4035all those years ago.
4036
4037912
403801:00:58,041 --> 01:00:58,875
4039[gulps]
4040
4041913
404201:01:10,375 --> 01:01:11,291
4043[gulps]
4044
4045914
404601:01:15,666 --> 01:01:16,625
4047Bit close to you.
4048
4049915
405001:01:16,791 --> 01:01:17,875
4051[Alex chuckles]
4052
4053916
405401:01:20,666 --> 01:01:22,958
4055-There you go.
4056-Yeah. Just a tad.
4057
4058917
405901:01:26,250 --> 01:01:31,041
4060It does seem amazing
4061that we've done so much together.
4062
4063918
406401:01:31,416 --> 01:01:34,041
4065We've gone through
4066so many different things,
4067
4068919
406901:01:35,208 --> 01:01:37,958
4070but without ever actually sitting down
4071
4072920
407301:01:39,166 --> 01:01:42,125
4074and saying,
4075"What was all that about then?"
4076
4077921
407801:01:44,000 --> 01:01:45,750
4079I've always felt I never needed to.
4080
4081922
408201:01:45,916 --> 01:01:49,000
4083I've always felt
4084that you trusted me enough...
4085
4086923
408701:01:51,166 --> 01:01:54,291
4088and respected me enough
4089to not have to know all the details.
4090
4091924
409201:01:56,833 --> 01:02:00,666
4093Yeah. I did accept each thing
4094as you said it along the way,
4095
4096925
409701:02:01,375 --> 01:02:04,083
4098but sort of the more I learn,
4099as we've gone through the story,
4100
4101926
410201:02:05,166 --> 01:02:08,500
4103the more extraordinary it was
4104
4105927
410601:02:09,000 --> 01:02:11,416
4107how I didn't question anything you said.
4108
4109928
411001:02:14,000 --> 01:02:15,541
4111And the...
4112
4113929
411401:02:16,625 --> 01:02:17,916
4115cost to me,
4116
4117930
411801:02:18,291 --> 01:02:19,958
4119personally, was enormous.
4120
4121931
412201:02:21,833 --> 01:02:25,791
4123It was a much harder journey
4124for me to go through
4125
4126932
412701:02:26,041 --> 01:02:30,000
4128than you ever imagined
4129or actually stopped to even work out.
4130
4131933
413201:02:33,166 --> 01:02:35,500
4133And for me, your secrecy
4134
4135934
413601:02:36,333 --> 01:02:40,166
4137is something
4138that I just have found very difficult
4139
4140935
414101:02:40,666 --> 01:02:43,916
4142because we know everything together.
4143
4144936
414501:02:44,250 --> 01:02:47,250
4146We're identical twins, we understand
4147things together, we're linked together.
4148
4149937
415001:02:48,333 --> 01:02:50,458
4151Yet we have this
4152
4153938
415401:02:51,041 --> 01:02:52,000
4155unbelievable
4156
4157939
415801:02:52,625 --> 01:02:54,625
4159separation of silence
4160
4161940
416201:02:55,208 --> 01:02:57,291
4163that I'm desperately trying
4164to ask questions,
4165
4166941
416701:02:57,375 --> 01:02:59,333
4168and you're desperately trying
4169not to answer them.
4170
4171942
417201:03:01,875 --> 01:03:03,458
4173And for me, I feel...
4174
4175943
417601:03:05,791 --> 01:03:08,708
4177that once I've got it,
4178I can stop my journey.
4179
4180944
418101:03:10,166 --> 01:03:12,541
4182Do you see what I mean?
4183I need to stop my journey.
4184
4185945
418601:03:12,833 --> 01:03:14,500
4187I need to stop searching.
4188
4189946
419001:03:15,000 --> 01:03:16,958
4191And you can finally be rid of it
4192
4193947
419401:03:17,125 --> 01:03:20,166
4195at the same time, so we've both
4196got something to gain from this.
4197
4198948
419901:03:20,708 --> 01:03:23,083
4200-Just as much as each other.
4201-I know we have.
4202
4203949
420401:03:23,708 --> 01:03:24,666
4205You know.
4206
4207950
420801:03:24,750 --> 01:03:27,000
4209And you've got to understand that
4210once you came to me
4211
4212951
421301:03:27,458 --> 01:03:29,500
4214on that day that I'll never forget
4215and you asked
4216
4217952
421801:03:29,916 --> 01:03:31,291
4219whether our mother abused us,
4220
4221953
422201:03:31,958 --> 01:03:34,166
4223and I simply said, "Yes"
4224but nothing else...
4225
4226954
422701:03:36,666 --> 01:03:38,333
4228I thought that was perfectly adequate
4229
4230955
423101:03:38,416 --> 01:03:40,208
4232and you could get on
4233with your life with that.
4234
4235956
423601:03:41,916 --> 01:03:44,416
4237But it wasn't. It wasn't for me.
4238
4239957
424001:03:45,458 --> 01:03:46,541
4241That one moment...
4242
4243958
424401:03:47,708 --> 01:03:49,000
4245cost me dearly.
4246
4247959
424801:03:49,958 --> 01:03:51,708
4249Well, it cost me pretty hard, Alex,
4250
4251960
425201:03:52,958 --> 01:03:57,833
4253because by giving that to you,
4254I then had to give it all back to myself,
4255
4256961
425701:03:58,208 --> 01:04:00,833
4258which I'd spent
4259fucking years getting rid of.
4260
4261962
426201:04:01,416 --> 01:04:03,625
4263Burying and burying and burying it.
4264
4265963
426601:04:05,250 --> 01:04:06,833
4267Silence, silence, silence.
4268
4269964
427001:04:07,000 --> 01:04:09,583
4271Yeah, but it allowed me
4272to have a free life,
4273
4274965
427501:04:10,166 --> 01:04:11,625
4276as you were having a free life.
4277
4278966
427901:04:12,250 --> 01:04:13,625
4280Free of child abuse.
4281
4282967
428301:04:15,208 --> 01:04:17,833
4284When I took it away from you,
4285I took it away from me.
4286
4287968
428801:04:18,666 --> 01:04:19,875
4289Do you not understand that?
4290
4291969
429201:04:24,000 --> 01:04:25,541
4293I'd been silent for me.
4294
4295970
429601:04:28,708 --> 01:04:29,583
4297For me.
4298
4299971
430001:04:32,041 --> 01:04:34,416
4301[tearfully] If I gave it to you,
4302I had to give it to me.
4303
4304972
430501:04:35,041 --> 01:04:38,750
4306And I have not been ready
4307to break the silence.
4308
4309973
431001:04:39,666 --> 01:04:41,125
4311A silence is a lie.
4312
4313974
431401:04:41,208 --> 01:04:43,583
4315I have been lying to myself
4316
4317975
431801:04:44,208 --> 01:04:47,541
4319for 20 years that I was abused.
4320
4321976
432201:04:49,125 --> 01:04:50,958
4323That is my defense mechanism.
4324
4325977
432601:04:51,041 --> 01:04:54,250
4327It is a lie. Being silent is a lie.
4328
4329978
433001:04:55,125 --> 01:04:57,458
4331And telling you what you wanted to know
4332
4333979
433401:04:58,458 --> 01:04:59,958
4335is breaking the silence.
4336
4337980
433801:05:01,208 --> 01:05:03,541
4339-Any of the information?
4340-Anything, Alex,
4341
4342981
434301:05:03,625 --> 01:05:06,583
4344anything more than,
4345"Yes, my mother abused us."
4346
4347982
434801:05:06,666 --> 01:05:09,416
4349I gave you the informa-- You asked me
4350a question, I told you the answer.
4351
4352983
435301:05:09,500 --> 01:05:11,416
4354Everything else is off the table.
4355
4356984
435701:05:12,500 --> 01:05:14,333
4358I couldn't cope with it anymore.
4359
4360985
436101:05:17,958 --> 01:05:19,791
4362[tearfully]
4363Don't you understand, Ali?
4364
4365986
436601:05:20,291 --> 01:05:22,250
4367[tearfully] No, I didn't.
4368I didn't understand.
4369
4370987
437101:05:22,708 --> 01:05:25,666
4372-That's why. That's why, Ali.
4373-I didn't understand it.
4374
4375988
437601:05:28,041 --> 01:05:29,250
4377I couldn't do that.
4378
4379989
438001:05:30,291 --> 01:05:31,791
4381I was too much of a coward.
4382
4383990
438401:05:32,125 --> 01:05:34,750
4385Totally and utterly too much of a coward
4386
4387991
438801:05:35,666 --> 01:05:37,208
4389to give you anything,
4390
4391992
439201:05:38,250 --> 01:05:39,083
4393anything.
4394
4395993
439601:05:39,916 --> 01:05:42,625
4397[normal voice] So I've spent 20 years
4398searching for it.
4399
4400994
440101:05:43,500 --> 01:05:44,875
4402Driving myself mad.
4403
4404995
440501:05:46,166 --> 01:05:50,333
4406Spending hours talking to people,
4407finding things, scraps of information.
4408
4409996
441001:05:51,125 --> 01:05:54,625
4411-It ran, it totally ran my life.
4412-But why couldn't you let it go?
4413
4414997
441501:05:54,791 --> 01:05:56,833
4416-Why couldn't you accept it?
4417-I c-- I couldn't.
4418
4419998
442001:05:57,333 --> 01:05:59,083
4421I just could not let it go.
4422
4423999
442401:05:59,666 --> 01:06:01,583
4425Do you understand why
4426I couldn't give it to you?
4427
44281000
442901:06:01,666 --> 01:06:04,208
4430Yeah, I do. I do understand that.
4431
44321001
443301:06:05,208 --> 01:06:07,250
4434So I was silently doing all my stuff,
4435
44361002
443701:06:07,875 --> 01:06:11,708
4438trying to find it, and you were silently
4439trying not to give me anything.
4440
44411003
444201:06:11,791 --> 01:06:14,708
4443-I had no choice, Ali.
4444-And so it went on and on and on.
4445
44461004
444701:06:14,916 --> 01:06:16,250
4448I had no choice.
4449
44501005
445101:06:19,041 --> 01:06:21,125
4452We're 54 years old.
4453
44541006
445501:06:23,250 --> 01:06:26,166
4456Fifty-four years old, for fuck's sake.
4457
44581007
445901:06:26,791 --> 01:06:28,458
4460Having this conversation now.
4461
44621008
446301:06:29,166 --> 01:06:31,083
4464We should have had it when we were 20.
4465
44661009
446701:06:32,041 --> 01:06:34,250
4468What a fucking waste of 30 years.
4469
44701010
447101:06:35,833 --> 01:06:36,708
4472Honestly.
4473
44741011
447501:06:39,541 --> 01:06:40,541
4476But we're here now.
4477
44781012
447901:06:42,708 --> 01:06:43,541
4480Yeah, we are.
4481
44821013
448301:06:54,916 --> 01:06:57,375
4484[inhales, exhales softly]
4485
44861014
448701:07:10,750 --> 01:07:11,583
4488[sighs]
4489
44901015
449101:07:12,166 --> 01:07:13,000
4492I--
4493
44941016
449501:07:14,958 --> 01:07:17,750
4496I don't think I've got the strength
4497to tell you to your face
4498
44991017
450001:07:17,916 --> 01:07:19,250
4501what really happened.
4502
45031018
450401:07:20,125 --> 01:07:23,375
4505But I have had
4506a conversation about it on camera
4507
45081019
450901:07:24,125 --> 01:07:26,458
4510and maybe you should have a look at that.
4511
45121020
451301:07:27,791 --> 01:07:29,916
4514And that will give you everything
4515that you need to know.
4516
45171021
451801:07:33,000 --> 01:07:34,666
4519And you're happy for me to see that?
4520
45211022
452201:07:36,541 --> 01:07:39,166
4523I'm not saying I'm happy. I'm feeling that
4524
45251023
452601:07:39,333 --> 01:07:41,000
4527-I have a necessity.
4528-A necessity.
4529
45301024
453101:07:42,541 --> 01:07:45,666
4532It's a necessity, Alex.
4533We've come to the end of the lie.
4534
45351025
453601:07:46,958 --> 01:07:47,875
4537You look at it.
4538
45391026
454001:07:48,625 --> 01:07:51,125
4541[tearfully] But I just can't do it
4542to your face, Ali.
4543
45441027
454501:07:51,208 --> 01:07:53,083
4546I'm gonna go away and let you watch it.
4547
45481028
454901:07:54,750 --> 01:07:55,750
4550And then we're done.
4551
45521029
455301:07:56,958 --> 01:07:58,500
4554-Okay.
4555-Are you ready to do that?
4556
45571030
455801:08:00,375 --> 01:08:01,208
4559Yes.
4560
45611031
456201:08:07,666 --> 01:08:09,958
4563Well, you're making me
4564very scared now, but...
4565
45661032
456701:08:11,291 --> 01:08:13,750
4568I don't really understand
4569why you need to see it.
4570
45711033
457201:08:14,208 --> 01:08:15,541
4573I still don't get it.
4574
45751034
457601:08:16,625 --> 01:08:19,125
4577So we can be
4578fully connected again, Markie.
4579
45801035
458101:08:20,625 --> 01:08:23,125
4582-I guess so.
4583-I need the lie to stop.
4584
45851036
458601:08:25,708 --> 01:08:27,416
4587And I need my life to be real.
4588
45891037
459001:08:30,000 --> 01:08:33,083
4591My life is not real.
4592My life is the one you gave me, Markie.
4593
45941038
459501:08:33,291 --> 01:08:35,083
4596My life is what you wanted it to be.
4597
45981039
459901:08:36,041 --> 01:08:37,875
4600My life has been dictated by you.
4601
46021040
460301:08:38,958 --> 01:08:41,166
4604I need something. I need to own this.
4605
46061041
460701:08:43,250 --> 01:08:45,541
4608-Okay. All right.
4609-Okay?
4610
46111042
461201:08:47,291 --> 01:08:48,416
4613[sighs]
4614
46151043
461601:08:56,375 --> 01:08:57,791
4617[gulps]
4618
46191044
462001:09:25,791 --> 01:09:27,125
4621[exhales]
4622
46231045
462401:09:28,625 --> 01:09:29,583
4625[click]
4626
46271046
462801:09:47,708 --> 01:09:48,541
4629[sighs]
4630
46311047
463201:09:49,333 --> 01:09:51,333
4633[breathes deeply]
4634
46351048
463601:10:03,208 --> 01:10:04,875
4637I've never told a living soul...
4638
46391049
464001:10:06,166 --> 01:10:07,458
4641about what happened.
4642
46431050
464401:10:10,791 --> 01:10:12,541
4645I barely told myself what happened.
4646
46471051
464801:10:14,333 --> 01:10:16,625
4649So you're asking me to give you something
4650
46511052
465201:10:18,375 --> 01:10:20,583
4653that I've never given
4654to anybody in my life.
4655
46561053
465701:10:24,958 --> 01:10:27,166
4658[breathes deeply]
4659
46601054
466101:10:32,333 --> 01:10:33,166
4662[sniffs]
4663
46641055
466501:10:33,458 --> 01:10:34,291
4666[gulps]
4667
46681056
466901:10:49,750 --> 01:10:50,583
4670Okay.
4671
46721057
467301:10:50,875 --> 01:10:51,958
4674[clink]
4675
46761058
467701:10:52,041 --> 01:10:55,250
4678[breathes deeply]
4679Just as a "fuck you" to her. Let's do it.
4680
46811059
468201:11:02,250 --> 01:11:06,375
4683My mother would take us into her room...
4684
46851060
468601:11:07,541 --> 01:11:09,250
4687she would take us into her bed.
4688
46891061
469001:11:11,541 --> 01:11:13,375
4691She would make us touch each other.
4692
46931062
469401:11:13,458 --> 01:11:16,208
4695She would make us play with each other.
4696
46971063
469801:11:17,375 --> 01:11:21,750
4699She would touch us.
4700She would masturbate us.
4701
47021064
470301:11:23,500 --> 01:11:27,583
4704She would do things that no mother
4705should ever do to their child.
4706
47071065
470801:11:30,000 --> 01:11:31,291
4709And then she moved on.
4710
47111066
471201:11:31,916 --> 01:11:34,958
4713Not only did she want to do those things
4714for her own gratification,
4715
47161067
471701:11:35,916 --> 01:11:38,041
4718she then passed us around to her friends.
4719
47201068
472101:11:39,333 --> 01:11:42,291
4722So she would drive us to friends' houses,
4723
47241069
472501:11:42,958 --> 01:11:46,708
4726have dinner and a glass of wine,
4727and then leave us there.
4728
47291070
473001:11:48,708 --> 01:11:50,875
4731Never together, always on our own.
4732
47331071
473401:11:52,000 --> 01:11:55,916
4735And then some strange man
4736that I'd never met and I never knew
4737
47381072
473901:11:56,416 --> 01:11:59,958
4740would take me into his bed
4741and touch me
4742
47431073
474401:12:00,875 --> 01:12:04,041
4745and rape me and violate me.
4746
47471074
474801:12:05,916 --> 01:12:07,500
4749For his gratification.
4750
47511075
475201:12:09,000 --> 01:12:11,916
4753And then, in the morning,
4754my mother would come and pick me up
4755
47561076
475701:12:12,458 --> 01:12:13,500
4758and drive me home.
4759
47601077
476101:12:14,875 --> 01:12:17,291
4762Never speaking, never talking.
4763
47641078
476501:12:17,791 --> 01:12:21,916
4766What did I do in the car?
4767I was silent and I was quiet.
4768
47691079
477001:12:23,875 --> 01:12:26,375
4771Always silent, always quiet.
4772
47731080
477401:12:27,333 --> 01:12:29,708
4775And then it would happen again and again.
4776
47771081
477801:12:31,375 --> 01:12:33,083
4779And then she would take Alex away.
4780
47811082
478201:12:33,958 --> 01:12:35,416
4783I would be lying in my bed...
4784
47851083
478601:12:35,500 --> 01:12:37,875
4787-[sobbing]
4788-...in my room.
4789
47901084
479101:12:38,625 --> 01:12:40,625
4792Alex wouldn't be there, he's my twin.
4793
47941085
479501:12:41,125 --> 01:12:42,958
4796He would be staying with a friend.
4797
47981086
479901:12:44,208 --> 01:12:47,166
4800And this was something
4801that was a normality in our life.
4802
48031087
480401:12:47,375 --> 01:12:49,041
4805This was something we grew up with.
4806
48071088
480801:12:49,875 --> 01:12:51,208
4809And we accept it.
4810
48111089
481201:12:52,500 --> 01:12:53,708
4813Children accept it.
4814
48151090
481601:12:54,208 --> 01:12:57,791
4817Children will accept anything
4818because they love their parents.
4819
48201091
482101:12:58,583 --> 01:13:03,916
4822And they think that what their parents
4823is doing is part of growing up.
4824
48251092
482601:13:06,000 --> 01:13:07,416
4827We don't have the capacity
4828
48291093
483001:13:08,500 --> 01:13:09,708
4831to feel that we...
4832
48331094
483401:13:10,541 --> 01:13:11,875
4835[tearfully] know it's wrong.
4836
48371095
483801:13:12,375 --> 01:13:13,208
4839And...
4840
48411096
484201:13:14,625 --> 01:13:15,458
4843[gulps]
4844
48451097
484601:13:16,000 --> 01:13:18,416
4847[normal voice] even now,
4848all these years later,
4849
48501098
485101:13:19,458 --> 01:13:20,791
4852I think to myself,
4853
48541099
485501:13:21,666 --> 01:13:23,041
4856"Fuck you, Mother.
4857
48581100
485901:13:23,166 --> 01:13:27,833
4860How fucking dare you think
4861that you can do that to me?"
4862
48631101
486401:13:30,041 --> 01:13:33,791
4865But she's gone. She's died.
4866She's got away with it.
4867
48681102
486901:13:35,125 --> 01:13:36,666
4870And I can't say that to her.
4871
48721103
487301:13:38,000 --> 01:13:39,375
4874And I regret that.
4875
48761104
487701:13:40,125 --> 01:13:41,583
4878I bitterly regret that.
4879
48801105
488101:13:44,125 --> 01:13:44,958
4882[gulps]
4883
48841106
488501:13:45,500 --> 01:13:48,125
4886But now... I'm speaking out.
4887
48881107
488901:13:49,125 --> 01:13:50,333
4890Now I'm telling you.
4891
48921108
489301:13:50,958 --> 01:13:53,625
4894I've never met you all.
4895I don't know who you are.
4896
48971109
489801:13:54,208 --> 01:13:58,333
4899[tearfully] But you know who my mother is.
4900And you know what she's done is wrong.
4901
49021110
490301:14:01,000 --> 01:14:03,625
4904[exasperated sigh]
4905And that's very powerful.
4906
49071111
490801:14:04,458 --> 01:14:05,416
4909And I need that.
4910
49111112
491201:14:07,541 --> 01:14:08,625
4913We all need that.
4914
49151113
491601:14:12,000 --> 01:14:12,833
4917[exhales]
4918
49191114
492001:14:13,416 --> 01:14:14,250
4921[sniffles]
4922
49231115
492401:14:30,958 --> 01:14:31,875
4925[sighs]
4926
49271116
492801:14:47,833 --> 01:14:49,833
4929[breathes deeply]
4930
49311117
493201:14:54,750 --> 01:14:58,291
4933[leaves rustling]
4934
49351118
493601:15:11,083 --> 01:15:13,083
4937[car engine starts]
4938
49391119
494001:15:16,875 --> 01:15:18,875
4941[tires moving over gravel]
4942
49431120
494401:15:28,875 --> 01:15:30,791
4945[car engine fading away]
4946
49471121
494801:15:35,041 --> 01:15:37,041
4949[silence]
4950
49511122
495201:15:44,666 --> 01:15:46,041
4953[chair dragging]
4954
49551123
495601:15:46,125 --> 01:15:47,125
4957[Marcus exhales]
4958
49591124
496001:16:00,833 --> 01:16:01,875
4961I knew some of that.
4962
49631125
496401:16:02,833 --> 01:16:05,375
4965I guessed some of that.
4966I thought about some of that.
4967
49681126
496901:16:07,125 --> 01:16:08,791
4970I just didn't know the magnitude of it.
4971
49721127
497301:16:12,750 --> 01:16:14,250
4974I didn't know it was as big as that.
4975
49761128
497701:16:14,333 --> 01:16:16,333
4978[eerie music playing]
4979
49801129
498101:16:23,500 --> 01:16:24,333
4982[exhales]
4983
49841130
498501:16:30,000 --> 01:16:32,000
4986[rain pattering]
4987
49881131
498901:16:41,041 --> 01:16:44,250
4990[Alex] How d-- how did we get out
4991of that house in one piece?
4992
49931132
499401:16:48,333 --> 01:16:49,833
4995Do you want to hear about all that?
4996
49971133
499801:16:50,958 --> 01:16:53,166
4999We're here now.
5000We're never gonna do this again.
5001
50021134
500301:16:55,083 --> 01:16:56,416
5004[grunts]
5005
50061135
500701:16:57,833 --> 01:16:59,875
5008So, the last time that I was...
5009
50101136
501101:17:01,541 --> 01:17:04,125
5012passed about, for want of a better word...
5013
50141137
501501:17:06,083 --> 01:17:08,750
5016I was driven to London by Mommy.
5017
50181138
501901:17:11,333 --> 01:17:14,500
5020She had dinner with this guy, an artist.
5021
50221139
502301:17:16,125 --> 01:17:17,916
5024Supposedly quite a famous artist.
5025
50261140
502701:17:18,583 --> 01:17:19,625
5028We had dinner.
5029
50301141
503101:17:20,000 --> 01:17:21,000
5032She left.
5033
50341142
503501:17:22,916 --> 01:17:24,458
5036And I stayed in the house.
5037
50381143
503901:17:25,750 --> 01:17:30,208
5040And then he came into my-- into this room,
5041which was surrounded by paintings
5042
50431144
504401:17:30,583 --> 01:17:31,875
5045and it had a four-poster bed,
5046
50471145
504801:17:31,958 --> 01:17:34,291
5049and he got into into the bed
5050with me and started touching me.
5051
50521146
505301:17:37,083 --> 01:17:39,916
5054[clicks tongue]
5055And I was 14 years old.
5056
50571147
505801:17:41,541 --> 01:17:45,250
5059And once he got down to my genitals...
5060
50611148
506201:17:46,791 --> 01:17:49,000
5063I sat up in bed and I said, "No.
5064
50651149
506601:17:50,833 --> 01:17:53,125
5067I don't want this. I don't like this."
5068
50691150
507001:17:53,833 --> 01:17:55,000
5071And I pushed him away,
5072
50731151
507401:17:55,541 --> 01:17:58,791
5075and he got very aggressive.
5076And I managed to get out of his house.
5077
50781152
507901:18:01,125 --> 01:18:03,708
5080-And I got home.
5081-How did you get home?
5082
50831153
508401:18:05,625 --> 01:18:06,875
5085How's that even possible?
5086
50871154
508801:18:07,666 --> 01:18:10,541
5089I walked down to the tube.
5090
50911155
509201:18:12,083 --> 01:18:15,708
5093I jumped on a tube with no money,
5094but you could do in those days.
5095
50961156
509701:18:16,291 --> 01:18:18,041
5098I got onto the train with no money.
5099
51001157
510101:18:19,583 --> 01:18:20,708
5102And I walked home.
5103
51041158
510501:18:29,833 --> 01:18:32,458
5106And I came in, I knocked on the window,
5107and you let me in.
5108
51091159
511001:18:33,666 --> 01:18:36,708
5111I got into my bed and I went to sleep.
5112
51131160
511401:18:40,250 --> 01:18:43,250
5115-And the next day we carried on--
5116-What the hell did Mommy say to that then?
5117
51181161
511901:18:43,333 --> 01:18:45,458
5120How-- She didn't even know
5121you were in the house?
5122
51231162
512401:18:46,458 --> 01:18:49,375
5125Nothing. I came up in the morning.
5126We had breakfast.
5127
51281163
512901:18:49,833 --> 01:18:51,875
5130She looked very surprised
5131that I was there.
5132
51331164
513401:18:53,625 --> 01:18:56,833
5135And I looked at her. And she looked at me.
5136
51371165
513801:18:58,458 --> 01:18:59,875
5139And it never happened again.
5140
51411166
514201:19:01,875 --> 01:19:04,625
5143-And that was the end of it, Ali.
5144-Without saying anything?
5145
51461167
514701:19:04,833 --> 01:19:06,583
5148[tearfully] Without saying anything.
5149
51501168
515101:19:08,541 --> 01:19:09,625
5152[mutters] Fuck.
5153
51541169
515501:19:13,291 --> 01:19:15,166
5156And she never did it to you again.
5157
51581170
515901:19:16,000 --> 01:19:19,083
5160You never left.
5161You never were out of the house again.
5162
51631171
516401:19:20,083 --> 01:19:21,291
5165And it was finished.
5166
51671172
516801:19:22,958 --> 01:19:23,791
5169[gulps]
5170
51711173
517201:19:24,833 --> 01:19:26,083
5173That's how it stopped.
5174
51751174
517601:19:27,375 --> 01:19:28,208
5177[sighs]
5178
51791175
518001:19:47,333 --> 01:19:49,333
5181[breathes deeply]
5182
51831176
518401:19:51,291 --> 01:19:52,625
5185Now you've got everything.
5186
51871177
518801:19:54,208 --> 01:19:55,583
5189You've got everything, Ali.
5190
51911178
519201:19:58,250 --> 01:19:59,333
5193That's what I needed.
5194
51951179
519601:20:01,083 --> 01:20:02,166
5197That's what I needed.
5198
51991180
520001:20:03,625 --> 01:20:04,458
5201Yeah.
5202
52031181
520401:20:05,000 --> 01:20:07,000
5205No more lies! No more lies.
5206
52071182
520801:20:07,958 --> 01:20:10,208
5209No more silence. No more secrets.
5210
52111183
521201:20:14,666 --> 01:20:17,958
5213And I have you back... with me.
5214
52151184
521601:20:22,625 --> 01:20:23,458
5217[exhales]
5218
52191185
522001:20:25,416 --> 01:20:27,416
5221[both crying]
5222
52231186
522401:20:35,625 --> 01:20:36,541
5225[groans]
5226
52271187
522801:20:37,916 --> 01:20:38,791
5229[sobs]
5230
52311188
523201:20:45,416 --> 01:20:47,416
5233[birds chirping]
5234
52351189
523601:21:04,541 --> 01:21:07,541
5237[Alex] There is no way for me to repay him
5238for what he's done.
5239
52401190
524101:21:12,750 --> 01:21:14,750
5242And there is no words I can say to him.
5243
52441191
524501:21:18,875 --> 01:21:19,791
5246But he knows.
5247
52481192
524901:21:21,041 --> 01:21:22,041
5250And that's enough.
5251
52521193
525301:21:29,625 --> 01:21:30,583
5254It's over.
5255
52561194
525701:21:32,083 --> 01:21:33,041
5258Finally.
5259
52601195
526101:21:36,833 --> 01:21:37,833
5262And we move on.
5263
52641196
526501:21:54,041 --> 01:21:56,041
5266[soft piano music playing]