· 8 years ago · Feb 21, 2018, 07:40 PM
1I didn’t know tasers could electrocute,
2
3Roses are red, youtube is fickle, long story short, I got hit in the eye with a pickle,
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5How to deorbit a car, Elon musk wants to know your location,
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7When a shitpost you made in paints gets 1.6k upvotes, a surprise to be sure, but a welcome one,
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9Can’t trust niggas that use Android, Twitter for LeadPad,
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11Rubber is made from fossils so whenever you’re wearing a condom you’re actually putting your dick in a monster, Steven hawking,
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13Big ben, Big ben,
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15It’s been 4 years since my job interview, I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else,
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17I need a reasonable job, something like $3,000 an hour, nothing too wild,
18
19I will be signing an Executive Order tonight to bring back the old snapchat, crooked Hillary and Dems were behind this horrible sad update,
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21When you only hit the devils lettuce once but you’re still completely kachowed,
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23Your gai, no you,
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25Yeah break ups suck but have you ever left your to-go box on the table at a restaurant,
26
27Pennywise, you’ll float too, eddie, eddie, lemme ask my mom, pennywise, I’m not giving you an opt-, Eddie, she said no,
28
29Murder Trial, me, so you say you saw me kill who, witness, your-, both of us, Neighbor, me, jinx, can’t talk, prosecutor, damnit there goes our key witness,
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31Cop, have you been drinking, me, no, cop, can you blow into this, me, is, that soup, cop, it’s too hot,
32
33When you’re playing Minecraft hunger games and one of your opponents says your address, current objective, survive,
34
35Me, there is one guy coming don’t panic, my insecurity,
36
37Oh my god this guy in this bathroom wearing a cowboy hat just greeted me with a howdy brother and I panicked and I said yee haw,
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39Prison diary day 5, did a perfect cartwheel today and nobody clapped, I hate it here,
40
41When you’re in class and see pencil that someone has dropped, this will make a fine addition to my collection,
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43What’s the most middle school thing you remember, sorry that wasn’t me who sent that,
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45Elon Musk, after not saying anything for an hour, trans that can fly, Assistant, do you want me to write that down, sir,
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47You, have you. Finished your essay on the history of Shakespeare, me, an intellectual, the past tense of William Shakespeare would be Wouldiwas shookspeared,
48
49When your free trial on Spotify ran out and you made a new account to receive one again, sneak, 100,
50
51New snapchat update, everyone else,
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53Doctor, you have one minute to live, patient, okay first let me do my streaks,
54
55Freezing Japanese guy uses a sweater to turn himself into a turkey,
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57Guy at the strip club asked me my real name said I’d give him one hint, told him I was named after a queen, and this mother fucker said Latifah,
58
59I took these photos on my phone the other day, what kinda phone you got, these look like some damn Leonardo dacaprio paintings,
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61MFS, be amazed at what people doing at the olympics as if the local crackhead can’t do all of that and communicate with animals,
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63Why are women so dramatic, I was sleeping, and, so I can’t answer if I’m asleep, and if I died then what,
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65Edgy Teen discovers satan actually pretty chill guy,
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67If you think your life is bad, we got a new manager in work today and I matched with him on tinder last year and he sent me dick pics RIP,
68
69Breaking news, a nigga hitting that Yeet on pluto,
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71Niggalations 1:4, He who conducts thy aux cord must haveith flames on thy playlist,
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73First date, her, so what do you do, him, Iâ€m currently trying to eliminate all cancers, her, wow, impressive, him, then I’ll move on to Vigros,
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75I’m not updating my snapchat, my iphone, fuck it I’ll do it myself,
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77When you about to tweet some intellectual shit but it says -1 so you gotta let go of that Oxford comma, the sound that I just made,
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79Roses are red, farmers used to be peasants, mother-of-one died after downing up to eight liters a day of Pepsi Max while on anti-depressants,
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81Dentist, shoots you, you’re bleeding because you don’t floss,
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83Breaking news, big nigga joins avengers, is he a threat, can we trust big nigga, DC gives up,
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85Remember kids, choose volleyball and not radical islamic terrorism,
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87Y’all pronounce it data or data, I’m mad that I read these words in two different ways, but you’re tripping if you think its data and not data,
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89Whenever two fifth graders are arguing and one of them says your mom, and now you have officially carried it too far, buddy,
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91This girl sitting next to me gave herself an insulin shot in class yesterday and the girl next to her said can you like not do that right now, she replied with um no Debra I’d like to live,
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93Your gay, your gay, your gay, me, no you,
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95I’m finally getting back to a place where slapping my ass-cheeks and screaming at the mirror feels like fun instead of work, Macaulay Culkin, on life as a former child actor,
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97Me watching olympic event, holy shit that was amazing, commentator, ooh, that as not good at all, he must really be upset with himself,
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99When you’re usually a happy Afghan but your girl broke up with you so now you’re, a sad, afghan,
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101Germany starts central corpse disposal, Logan Paul placed on watchlist, Logan Paul has been placed on the WHO watch list already dangerous, governments are warned that it could become unstoppable,
102
103I saw this boat in half, titanic,
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105Bitches take one weekend trip to Miami and drag it out as a TBT for 30 weeks, every week saying, take me back, just go again hoe,
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107Me my entire life, barely realizes snowboarding exists, me 2 days into the olympics, f McMorris thinks he’s getting on the podium with anything less than a clean 1620 toe grab, he’s a fool,
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109When the music stops in the club and they hear you opening your velcro wallet,
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111Me, my respect, women,
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113Hi, don’t send me that,
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115Audi send nudes please, just one,
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117When you invite everyone in class to your birthday party except chad, cause chad didn’t lend you a pen that one time in 5th grade, the punisher,
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119Y’all thought we was beefing, we just finessed y’all for the clout lmaooo,
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121Param, ninja sex party, kids bop kids, fuck what a lineup,
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123Me, I cleaned all the dishes, mom, aren’t you going to put them away too, you discovered a premium feature, you have to upgrade from the free trial version to the full version,
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125Uh oh, you friccin moron, you just got beaned, tag your friends to totally bean them,
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127Women gets respected,
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129When your human says, who’s a good boy and you already know it’s you,
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131I can’t turn water into wine, but I could turn your girl into your ex, science,
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133Exactly a year apart, lol you really stood there for a whole year,
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135Her, I bet he’s thinking about other women, him, I’m thinking about other women,
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137When you singing the main verse and the background vocals at the same time,
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139Star Wars the force awakens, an interracial couple gets chased by a man with a burning cross,
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141When the only thing you explore is the refrigerator,
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143Excuse me, sir, I hope my horrible ugliness won’t be a distraction to you, yo mark are you seeing this shit, I’m high af my nigga why is that sham wow talking to you,
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145People, you can’t eat tide pods, me, okay,
146
147Top 10 most powerful anime characters of all time, thot destroyer,
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149#1, victory royale,
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151Dick chicken, a game played by two presumably straight males where each plater pulls out his penis and stares at the other player, the one whose penis moves first is declared the loser, and thus ridiculed and called gay for a minimum of two hours, hey guys who is up for a game of dick chicken,
152
153Roses are red, Shrek is my daddy, cops, naked man covered in cooking oil attacked family,
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155When your in elementary PE playing capture the flag and 3 out of 4 of your team is in jail and you aren’t normally a runner but you gotta save them,
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157What episode are you on, me, 25, but yesterday you were on episode 4,
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159Roses are red, color express, Adolf hitler’s underpants have been sold for 5,000 pounds at an auction in the US, the pristine underpants of fearsome fuhrer Adolf Hitler have sold for 5,000 pounds at an auction in the US,
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161Hahaha wouldn’t it be so funny if we had sex haha, lol only joking, my friend typed that, my phone was stolen, who is this, haha, speech 100,
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163When you tell someone a good joke and he says it loud in class and everyone laughs, we stand here amid my achievements, not yours,
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165Letting my teenage daughter shoot the AR for the first time today, Teach ‘em young an teach ‘em right, Should also probably teach ‘em that automatic rifle bullets will pass through that fence and hit your neighbor,
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167Broke my arm doctor told me to put ice on it,
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169New Years resolution, greet each day with enthusiasm, I’m super depressed,
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171Me, I don’t know anything about plumbing though, dad, that’s fine, just cut the water first, me,
172Sheep at night, put the camera down and run motherfucker,
173
174When you try to swallow a pill, but it doesn’t go down and now it’s dissolving in your mouth,
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176Chinese farmer studies law for 16 years to sue corporation for polluting his village, when yo girl collects records of all your mistakes for when you gon fight inevitably,
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178How group projects usually turn out,
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180You’re hella cute, your, you are hella cute, is you’re, not so cute anymore,
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182To my boo who ain’t my boo but should be my boo, hmu when you stop being a piece of shit okay,
183
184Breaking news, Patrick joins the allies, hitler surrenders, lol I got no chance no more cya,
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186Spicy water, tangy water, barbecue water,
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188Pizza is my Valentine, my dog is my boyfriend, happily single, doing me, shut yo lonely ass up,
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190Say no more, I’m sold, The mattress with 10,000+ verified 5-star reviews, I almost died, theres was a fire in my building, I slept through it, read more reviews,
191
192Create new funny memes, call the mods gay,
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194If you’re a true fan of the olympics then who is this,
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196Waiter, your steak sir, very rare, wow, that is rare, not crying in a bush outside my ex’s house on valentine’s day,
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198Me watching my phone ring till I miss the call,
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200Me, should we order some pizza, friend, jesus christ, we just ate, me, I haven’t eaten since the last time I eated,
201
202For the past twenty years, I’ve been getting a Valentine’s card from the same secret admirer, so, I was pretty sad not to get on this year, first my granny dies, now this,
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204Me sexting, tell me everything you want me to do to you, can you pick me up a McDouble on your way to my house,
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206Me, this test is going to be easy, test, when you clap your hands which one do you feel first, me,
207
2084 pictures of drake that will name you say, that’s not Drake, that’s guacamole,
209
210Him, I lost my number, can I have yours, her, blushing, okay, him, lost my phone too, her, wha-, him, and my wallet, this is a robbery,
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212That sound of chips being munched at the end, yum, oh, you want. Horse cock, they are extra large and juicy, view all 221 replies, what happened,
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214How to sext, afterwards maybe we can, you know, pip pip the diddly do,
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216My dog hates his nails getting clipped so my dad literally bought a purse and cut holes in it,
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218Nothing beats a vegan girl in organic cruelty-free yoga pants,
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220Kylie jenner’s ex boyfriend Tyga is demanding a DNA test, he reportedly believes this baby is his, can y’all please do this on Maury,
221
222When you’re hitting it in the front trunk of your Tesla and she moans, we live in the midst of infinite layers of computer simulation worlds so realistic that we are unable to distinguish between simulation and reality, Elon musk, tesla, co-founder,
223
224Gym life, love life, wyd for Valentines day, idk what day of the week is it, Wednesday, probably legs and back, I meant, nvm,
225
226Couple sells everything to sail the world, boat sinks on day 2, when you get 10 likes on an IG photo and move to LA,
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228When you trine check out earth then a car hits you in space out of nowhere,
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230I said pet peeves, and he said dog, want to play 21 questions, nah not really, okay just ask me a question, but I just, uh okay I guess, you have any pet peeves, yeah I got a dog, are you a virgin, bye,
231
232Hey snapchat, this update is terrible, how many RT’s would it take for you to change it back, you niggas in metapods, actin hard but never doing shit, 100,
233
234When a kid born in 1999 talks about being a 90s kid, you are on this council but we do not grant you the rank of master,
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236Big ounce, professional street nigga, rare picture of big nigga as wee lad,
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238Y’all are stuck in 2018 watching the olympics in 2D while I’m in the future watching it in 3D,
239
240Couples sells everything to sail around the world, boat sinks on day 2, nah y’all really for this picture choice,
241
242When you been making out for 6 minutes and she says, now fuck me hard, but you nutted 5 minutes ago, I’m sorry,
243
244Hey beauty wanna be my precious star, aww, of course, then get away 150 million km from me and burn,
245
246He is always watching, it is never ogre,
247
248When you don’t care if she faked it in bed because you faed everything to get her there,
249
250Zac Efron looks like a furry I’m screaming SDKFJKLDSF, why does his beard look like a grilled cheese sandwich,
251
252Sir Isaac Newton was only 23 when he discovered the law of gravity, T-pain was only 22 when he rhymed mansion with wiscansin,
253
254What is an extreme sport, deciding to fart when you have diarrhea,
255
256How you die in a tsunami, lmfao just drink the water, mother nature, stay right where you are,
257
258We know he can swim but, can Richard funk,
259
260Breaking news, big nigh blocks that MF active volcano,
261
262When you’re trying to watch figure skating and your god damn kids wont shut the hell up,
263
264Other people are making life decisions, getting a dog, cat or starting a family, me,
265
266When Facebook shows me my memories from 5 years ago, oh honey no, what were you thinking,
267
268Go with your gut james, James has a feeling that he might not be the father,
269
270A man received a $75 check to restart his life after being wrongly imprisoned for 31 years, where was he locked up, gamestop,
271
272Doctor, what do you see, her, a virgin in his 40s, doctor, ok, get out,
273
274In spanish, the suffix Ito, means little, so the word Dorito means something like little doro, implying the existence of a bigger and legendary snack the doro,
275
276Where is girl pee stored, illuminati, did you change my name to illuminati yet,
277
278I wonder whammy dog named me, I wonder what bitchface Malone 3 is thinking about,
279
280That one friend who compounds your problems by giving you terrible advice, are you alcoholic, we can help, call 7760609090 for liquor home delivery,
281
282Him, I try to talk to her and she just mumbles and throws gang signs at me, her, signals, I’m deaf,
283
284Hits blunt, it took me 23 years to realize that be there or be square isn’t because you’re not a-round,
285
286Anyway here’s Keanu Reeves running off with a camera he just stole from the paparazzi,
287
288The fuck you gonna do about it sharon,
289
290Hey girl are you from France cause madamn, are you from Africa because Kenya not,
291
292Why women use hair straighteners, because it makes it look longer, how you burned your dick,
293
294What, I think we should see other people, are you being fr, what the fuck is with the confetti,
295
296If you only had one snack, one cookie, would you dunk it, or just let it go, mom’s spaghetti oreo,
297
298Heck, who are you, stomp to door, henlo, would you please leave my property, thanks, I warned you, attack,