mTekWiMB

1"Automatic" simply means that you cannot repair it yourself.
290% of everything is crud.
3A Project Manager is like the madam in a brothel. His job is to see that everything comes off right.
4A Smith & Wesson always beats four aces.
5A bird in hand is safer than one overhead.
6A bird in the hand is worth about three Kleenex.
7A child's ability to endure likely stems from his ignorance ofalternatives.
8A clean desk is a sign of a sick mind.
9A closed mouth says nothing wrong; a closed mind does nothing right.
10A complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved from a More: [Y], [N], [NS]? simple system that worked.
11A computer makes as many mistakes in one second as three men working for thirty years straight.
12A conference is simply an admission that you want somebody else tojoin you in your troubles.
13A dog is a dog except when he is facing you. Then he is Mr. Dog.
14A fellow who is always declaring that he is no fool usually harbors suspicions to the contrary.
15A fool and his money are some party.
16A friend in power is a friend lost.
17A good listener not only is popular everywhere but also, after awhile, knows something.
18A great deal of money is never enough once you have it.
19A hunch is creativity trying to tell you something.
20A liberalism incapable of fiscal self-discipline brings about a
21radical conservatism conspicuous for its selfishness andinsensitivity.
22A major failure will not occur until after the unit has passed finalinspection.
23A man does not look behind the door unless he has stood therehimself.A man will believe anything that does not cost him anything.
24A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours arelost.
25A miser is a fellow who lives within his income. He is also called amagician.
26A misplaced decimal point will always end up where it will do thegreatest damage.A narrow mind has a broad tongue.
27A neurotic builds castles in the air.
28A psychotic lives in castles in the air.
29And a psychiatrist is the guy who collects the rent.
30A perfectly calm day will turn gusty the instant you drop a $20 bill.
31A pipe gives a wise man time to think and a fool something to stick in his mouth.
32A politician's most important ability is to foretell what will happentomorrow and next month and next year - and to explain afterwards whyit didn't happen.
33A seeming ignorance is often a most necessary part of worldlyknowledge.
34A sense of decency is often a decent man's undoing.
35A short cut is the longest distance between two points.
36A stockbroker is someone who invests your money until it is all gone.
37A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the other one.
38A waist is a terrible thing to mind.
39A yacht is a hole in the water, lined with wood, steel, or fiberglass,through which one pours all his money.
40Academic rivalries are so intense because the stakes are so small.
41Activity is the politician's substitute for achievement.
42Adam Smith revisited: Work creates Wealth, which is then Redistributedin the holy name of Social Justice. That is to say, what is mine isyours, and his, and hers, and theirs...
43Adventure is no more than discomfort and annoyance recollected in thesafety of reminiscence.
44After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.
45Against stupidity, the gods themselves contend in vain.
46All great discoveries are made by mistake.
47All skill is in vain when an angel pees in the barrel of your rifle.
48All things are possible.Except skiing through a revolving door.
49All things being equal, a fat person uses more soap than a thinperson.
50All turtle thoughts are of turtle.
51All warranties expire upon payment of invoice.
52All work and no play make Jack a dull boy and Jill a wealthy widow.
53All's well that ends.Almost everything in life is easier to get into than out of.
54Although I may disagree with what you say, I will defend to the deathyour right to hear me tell you how wrong you are.
55Always address your elders with respect; they could leave you afortune.
56Always convice those whom you are about to deceive that you are actingin their best interests.
57Always forgive your enemies - nothing else annoys them as much.
58Always mistrust a subordinate who never finds fault with his boss.
59Ambition is the curse of the political class.
60Among economists, the real world is generally considered to be aspecial case.
61An easily understood, workable falsehood is more useful than acomplex, incomprehensible truth.
62An economy cannot afford high tech unless it has a basic structure ofother industry to provide the savings that will support high techuntil it begins to pay off.
63An efficient bureaucracy is the greatest threat to liberty.
64An elephant is a mouse built to government specifications.
65An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until heknows absolutely everything about nothing.
66An infinite number of mediocrities do not add up to one genius.
67An open mouth oft-times accompanies a closed mind.
68An unhappy crew makes for a dangerous voyage.
69Anger is never without an argument, or with a good one.
70Any appetite is its own excuse for existing.
71Any component, when inadvertently dropped, will roll into a hidingplace, the inaccessibility of which is proportional to the square ofthe component's irreplaceability.
72Any contract drawn in more than 50 words contains at least oneloophole.
73Any given computer program, when running, is obsolete.
74Any machine design must contain at least one part which is obsolete,two parts which are unobtainable, and three parts which are stillunder development.
75Any simple theory will be worded in the most complicated terms.
76Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
77Anyone can handle a crisis.It's everyday living that kills you.Anyone in good enough condition to run three miles a day is in goodenough condition not to have to.
78Art is a passion pursued with discipline; science is a disciplinepursued with passion.
79As scarce as truth is, the supply invariably exceeds the demand.
80As the rabbit said, if that ain't a wolf, it's a hell of a big dog.
81Ask your children what they want for dinner only if they are buying.
82Assumptions, so often full of holes, remain precious to theconvinced.
83At best, life is a spiral and never a pendulum. What has been donecannot be undone.
84Bad weather forecasts are more often right than good ones.
85Bankers are the assassins of hope.
86Basic research is what you do when you don't know what you are doing.
87Be a corporate good citizen; hire the morally handicapped.
88Be kind to your web-footed friends; that duck may be a buyer.
89There's no intelligent life down here.
90Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes right to the bone.
91Behind every successful man is an astonished mother-in-law.
92Being king is not much fun if no one knows you are one.
93Bend the facts to fit the conclusion. It's easier that way.
94Beware of all enterprises requiring new clothes.
95Black holes are outa sight!
96Blessed are the censors, for they shall inhibit the earth.Blessed are the meek for they shall inherit the crap.Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.
97Blessed be he who is called a big wheel, for he goeth around incircles.
98Bosses come and bosses go, but a good secretary lasts forever.
99Bullshit baffles brains.
100By the time most of us have money to burn, our fire's gone out.
101By working faithfully 8 hours a day, you may eventually get to be aboss and work 12 hours a day.
102Celibacy is not hereditary.
103Cheer up.The first hundred years are the hardest!Children are a comfort in your old age, and they will even help youreach it.
104Civil servants are neither civil nor servile.
105Common sense is instinct. Enough of it is genius.
106Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable. Anysystem which depends upon human reliability is unreliable. You canrely on it.
107Confidence is the feeling you had before you knew better.
108Construct a system that even a fool can use and only a fool will wantto use it.
109Crime is merely politics without the excuses.
110Crisis management works beautifully until an actual crisis occurs.
111Da trouble wit computers is, dey got no sense of humor.
112Days you attend top-level meetings and days you get hiccups tend tofall on the same dates.
113Degeneration and evolution are not the same thing.
114Desperate diseases require desperate remedies.
115Did you know that if you maintain a cholesterol-free diet, your bodymakes its own cholesterol.
116Diogenes is still searching.
117Distrust your first impressions; they are invariably too favorable.
118Don't be afraid to take a big step. You cannot cross a chasm in twosmall steps.
119Don't be so humble...you aren't that great.
120Don't get married if you are afraid of solitude.
121Don't hit a man when he's down unless you are damned certain he won'tget up.
122Don't wear earmuffs in a bed of rattlesnakes.
123Don't worry about what other people are thinking of you. They're toobusy worrying about what you are thinking of them.
124Dr. Faustus, call your service.
125During Britain's "brain drain," not a single politician left thecountry.
126Economics is the only calling in which one can have a lifetime reputation as an expert without ever once being right.
127Education confers understanding, knowledge, and competence; schoolsconfer degrees.
128Enthusiasm wanes, but dullness lasts forever.
129Eternity is a terrible thought...where will it all end
130Even Mason and Dixon had to draw the line somewhere.
131Even the most faithful believer can serve a false god.
132Every calling is great when greatly pursued.
133Every family tree has some sap.
134Every institution tends to perish through an excess of its ownpolicy.
135Every society professes the existence of inalienable human rights;most, however, are somewhat vague as to just what they are.
136Everybody's death simplifies life for someone.
137Everyone has a scheme for getting rich that will not work.
138Everything comes to he who waits - providing he has either infinitepatience or infinite wealth.
139Everything east of the San Andreas Fault will eventually plunge intothe Atlantic Ocean.
140Everything not forbidden by the laws of Nature is mandatory. Troubleis, nearly everything is forbidden.
141Example is not the main thing in influencing others; it is the onlything.
142Excellence is an option that is renewable.
143Expectations should not determine whether or not one acts, nor how.
144Expensive fertilizers that do nothing for your grass will give you themost gorgeous weeds you ever saw.
145Experience is a good teacher, but submits huge bills.
146Experience is what you get when you don't get what you wanted.
147Experimentation is the mother of confusion.
148Extinction is the ultimate fate of all species.
149Extreme boredom serves to cure boredom.
150Extreme sorrow laughs; extreme joy weeps.
151Extremely happy and extremely unhappy men are alike prone to growhard-hearted.
152Facts cannot prevail against faith, or adamant folly.
153Failure is a measurement that depends on the standard applied.
154Fear is no great respecter of reason.
155Feed the wolf as you will; he will always look to the forest.
156Fill what's empty.Empty what's full.And scratch where it itches.
157Fire and water.Matter and anti-matter.Money and morality.
158First secure an independent income, then practice virtue.
159Fools belittle that which they do not understand.Cynics belittle everything.Midgets simply belittle.
160For a man of fortitude, there are no walls, only avenues.
161For peace of mind, resign as general manager of the universe.
162Freedom can be lost as surely tax by tax, regulation by regulation, asit can be bullet by bullet, missile by missile.
163Freedom is for everyone. Or no one.
164Freedom of the press is limited to those who have one.
165Friends may come and friends may go, but enemies accumulate.
166Frustration is not having anyone else to blame but one's self.
167Get too many irons in your fire and you'll put it out.
168Give all orders verbally. Never write down anything that might go intoa "Pearl Harbor file".
169Give me an example of pro and con.Progress and Congress.
170Given that Nature limited the intelligence of Man, it seems unfairthat she did not limit the stupidity of Man.
171God can't alter history, so he created historians.
172God has Alzheimer's disease; he's forgotten that we exist.
173God made everything out of nothing. But the nothingness showsthrough.
174Government corruption seems always to be reported in the past tense.
175Half of conversation is listening.
176Have a nice day...somewhere else.
177He is all fault who has no fault at all.
178He who dies with the most toys, wins!
179He who does many things makes many mistakes, but never makes thebiggest mistake of all - doing nothing.
180He who endures, wins.
181He who has been bitten by six dogs is legitimately suspicious of theseventh.
182He who leaves nothing to chance will do very few things wrong, but hewill do very few things at all.
183He who lives on hope has a slender diet indeed.
184He who looks too far ahead stumbles over his own boots.
185He who would climb to the top must leave much behind.
186He who would leap high must take a long run.
187He who would pursue revenge should first dig two graves.
188Hell is l is a city much like Newark.
189Hell is not a place. Hell is what hurts worst.
190History is the sum total of things that could have been avoided.
191History occurs twice - the first time as tragedy, the second time asfarce.
192Honesty in politics is much like oxygen.The higher up you go, the scarcer it becomes.
193Honesty is the best policy - unless, of course, you are dealing with your wife, your girlfriend, your banker, your employer, the I.R.S., your creditors...
194How can you tell when a salesman is lying ?When his lips are moving.
195How come nowadays the word "honesty" is generally preceded by thephrase "old-fashioned" ?
196How long a minute is depends upon which side of the bathroom dooryou're on.
197I get my exercise acting as a pallbearer for my friends who exercise.
198If a cluttered desk is characteristic of a cluttered mind, what doesan empty desk mean ?
199If a problem causes too many meetings, then the meetings eventuallybecome more important than the problem.
200If all else fails, read the destructions.
201If all the economists in the world were laid end to end, they couldn't reach a conclusion.
202If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
203If builders constructed buildings the way programmers write programs,then the first woodpecker to come along would destroy civilization.
204If doctors' intellects were as big as doctors' egos, this would be afar healthier world.
205If everything appears to be going well, you obviously don't know whatthe hell is going on.
206If it jams - force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
207If it's not in the computer, then it doesn't exist.
208If it's rational, if it's logical, and if it makes good common sense,then it's simply not done.
209If man's best friend is the dog, where does that leave the rest of us?If mathematically you end up with the wrong answer, try multiplying bythe page number.
210If more than one person is responsible for a miscalculation, no onewill be at fault.
211If one views his problem sufficiently closely, he will recognizehimself as part of the problem.
212If someone gives you so-called good advice, do the opposite; you maybe certain that that will be the right thing nine times out of ten.
213If the facts are against you, argue the law. If the law is againstyou, pound the table and yell like hell.
214If the first person who answers the phone can't handle your question,then it's a bureaucracy.
215If the gods had really intended men to fly, they'd have made it easierto get to the airport.
216If the government hasn't yet taxed, licensed, or regulated it, then itprobably ain't worth anything.
217If the nation's economists were all laid end to end, they would pointin all directions.If the plating work that we do for you is defective, we will refundyour money, redo the parts free, close our plant, and have the plantmanager shot. Will that be satisfactory ?
218If the shoe fits, you're not allowing for growth.
219If the thought of growing old bothers you, consider the alternative.
220If the universe is indeed insane, who is the asylum keeper ?
221If this is the land of the future, why are we all so given tonostalgia ?
222If truth were a matter of opinion, then the majority would always beright.
223If you are feeling good, don't worry; you'll get over it.
224If you can keep your head while all about you are losing theirs, thenyou obviously don't understand what's going on.
225If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
226If you cannot logically refute a man's arguments, not all is lost. Youcan always call him nasty names.
227If you cannot understand it, it is intuitively obvious.
228If you disinfect the pond, you kill the lilies.
229If you doubt that Rochesterians believe in God, watch how they drive.
230If you gave a monkey control of its environment, it would fill theuniverse with bananas.If you live among the wolves, learn to howl like them.
231If you think that mental illness interferes with financial success,just look at the average television evangelist.
232If you think that no one cares that you're alive, try missing a fewcar payments.
233If you try to please everybody, nobody will like it.
234If you want to make people angry, lie to them. If you want to makethem absolutely livid, then tell 'em the truth.
235If young women often do marry men like their fathers, no wonder theirmothers cry at their weddings.
236In America, the Secretary of Agriculture catches hell for unmanageablefood surpluses; in Russia, his counterpart goes to Siberia because ofunmanageable food shortages.
237In a mad world, only greater madness succeeds.
238In a permissive society, the cream rises to the top...and so does thescum.
239In a world that runs on deceit, deception, and duplicity, the honestman is always at a disadvantage.
240In any organization, there are only two people to contact if you wantresults:   the one at the very top and the one at the very bottom.
241In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.In death, avoid hell.In life, avoid the law courts.
242In defeat, malice.In victory, revenge.
243In designing any type of machine component, no overall dimension can be totalled accurately after 4:30pm Friday. The correct total will become self-evident at 8:15am on Monday.
244In doing good, avoid notoriety. In doing evil, avoid self-awareness.
245In hell, treason is the work of angels.
246In jealousy, there is often more self-love than love.
247In order to obtain a loan, you must first prove that you don't needit.
248In some countries, Chaucer and Dante are the classics. In thiscountry, it's a soft drink.
249In the Beginning, God created the Organization and gave It dominionover man. -Genesis, Article VII, section 3, paragraph C.
250In the final analysis, entropy always wins.
251In the long run, we are all dead.In third-world politics, the people with the guns call the shots.
252Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.
253Inside every short man is a tall man doubled over in extreme pain.
254Instead of worrying about the boxes in your organizational chart, beconcerned with the people who are boxed in.
255Institutions are more rarely overthrown from without, more oftencorroded from within.
256Interesting history is awful living.
257Isn't it strange that the same people who laugh at gypsyfortune-tellers take economists seriously.
258It doesn't much matter whom you marry, for tomorrow morning youdiscover that it was someone else.
259It is a grave error to allow any mechanical device to realize that youare in a hurry.
260It is axiomatic that even the strongest of men will fall before apygmy with a submachine gun.
261It is better to add life to your years than it is to add years to yourlife.
262It is better to be envied than to be consoled.
263It is better to resign from office than it is to die in office; thatway, you get to hear some of the eulogies.
264It is difficult to be politically conscious and upwardly mobile at thesame time.
265It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are soingenious.
266It is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
267It is often easier to find the truth than it is to accept it.
268It is only in Aesop's fables that an elephant takes advice from amouse.
269It is probably better to be insane with the rest of the world than to be sane alone.
270It is the manner, and not the content, that marks a gentleman.
271It is when the irritation of doubt causes a struggle to attain belief that the enterprise of thought begins.
272It is wrong to repeat gossip, but what else can you do with it ?
273It takes twenty-five dumb animals to make a fur coat. and only one to wear it.
274It takes very little to make a woman happy, and more than is contained in heaven and earth to keep her that way.
275It's difficult to soar with the eagles when you work with turkeys.It's not social oppression that moves wild-eyed revolutionaries; it's envy, pure and simple.
276It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you place the blame.
277It's what you learn after you know it all that counts.
278John Donne was wrong.
279Journalism, like prostitution, is a career in which just one foray makes a professional.
280Just because you are paranoid does not mean that no one is following you.
281Justice must not only be done; it must be seen to be believed.
282Kill the moneylenders.
283Knowledge can cure ignorance, but intelligence cannot cure stupidity.
284Labor disgraces no man, but often a man disgraces labor.
285Large brains can contain small minds.
286Last weke I cudn't even spel kumpooter programer and today I are one!
287Law remains long after justice flees.
288Leakproof seals - will. Selfstarters - will not. Interchangeable parts - won't.
289Leftover nuts never match leftover bolts.
290Less of a good thing is sometimes better - ask anyone on a diet.
291Life is a learning experience; the diploma is your death certificate.
292Life is a temporary assignment.
293Life is a terminal condition.
294Life's a bitch. But, then, consider the alternative.
295Little boys throw stones in jest. Little frogs die in earnest.
296Live every day as though it were your last. One day, you'll be right.
297Live within your income, even if you must borrow to do it.
298Locks and keys are for honest people.
299Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.
300Lost causes are the only ones worth fighting for.
301Luck, it is said, dislikes working double shifts.
302Making this world better will gain you the greatest credit in the next one.
303Man does not live by bread alone. But he damned well doesn't live without it, either.
304Many know how to flatter; few know how to praise.
305Marriage is like burning the house down to toast the bread.
306Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.
307May you live in interesting times.
308Mayflies continually plot to topple the cedar.
309Measure twice 'cause you can only cut once.
310Measured with a micrometer. Marked with chalk. Cut with an axe.
311Men and nations will act rationally when all other possibilities have been exhausted.
312Men heap together the mistakes of their lives and create a monster they call destiny.
313Middle age is when you wonder if your warranty is running out.
314Miles aren't the only distance.
315Monotony is the law of Nature. Observe the monotonous manner in which the sun rises.
316More men are sheep in wolves' clothing than the other way around.
317Most men and nations die lying down.
318Mother Nature applies all her rules...all the time.
319Motor gently through the greasemud, for there lurks the skid demon.
320Murphy's Golden Rule: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.
321Murphy's Law: If it can go wrong, it will...at the worst possible time and in the worst possible place. Fisher's Law: Murphy was an optimist.
322Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
323Never argue with a fool...people may not be able to tell you apart.
324Never claim as a right that which you can ask as a favor.
325Never climb a fence when you can sit on it.
326Never complain; never explain.
327Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
328Never eat prunes when you are famished.
329Never embezzle more than your employer can afford.Never get into a fight with an ugly person. He has nothing to lose.
330Never get mixed up with economists. Their thinking is muddy and they have bad breath.
331Never have so many people understood so little about so much.
332Never invest in anything that eats or needs repainting.
333Never let your sense of morality stop you from doing what is right.
334Never make the same mistake twice...there are so many new ones to make!
335Never marry a woman who prays too much.
336Never mistake good manners for good will.
337Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.
338Never question your wife's judgement...look whom she married.
339Never step in anything soft.
340Never trust anyone who laughs at his own one-liners.
341Never try to teach a pig how to sing. It is a waste of time and it annoys the pig.
342Never underestimate the power of stupidity.
343Never, ever trust anyone under 30 or over 25.
344Never, ever, insult a telephone answering machine. They have ways of getting even.
345New systems generate new problems.
346Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as satisfying as an income tax refund.
347No class of Americans has ever objected to any amount of government
348meddling if it appeared to benefit that particular class.
349No man's knowledge goes beyond his experience.
350No man's life, liberty, or property are safe whilst the legislature is in session.
351No matter how bad your kid is, he's still good for a tax exemption.
352No matter how long or how diligently you shop for a machine, once you've purchased it, it will be on sale for 30% less.
353No name, no matter how simple, can be correctly understood over the phone.
354No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
355No one ever found marvels by seeking them.
356No one gets too old to learn a new way of being stupid.
357Not all the kookies are in the jar.Nothing dispels enthusiasm like a small admission fee.
358Nothing in our history is plainer, or more tragic, than the gulf between cleverness and wisdom.
359Nothing in the universe arouses more false hopes than the first four hours of a diet.
360Nothing irritates a standard American corporate executive quite so much as the sight of someone actually daring to practice capitalism.
361Nothing is illegal if 100 businessmen decide to do it.
362Nothing is really labor unless you would rather be doing something else.
363Nothing motivates a man more than to see his boss put in an honest day's work.
364Odds are, the phrase "It's none of my business" will be followed by "but".
365Of those teaching in today's schools, 80 percent are paid twice what they are worth and 20 percent are paid half what they are worth.
366Old age is like a burglar.It robs you of all the goodies and leaves the rubbish.
367Old men and comets have long been revered for the same reasons; their long beards and their supposed ability to foretell events.
368Old men make wars.Young men fight them.
369On the ONE day you take your secretary to lunch, your wife will be lunching in the same restaurant.
370Once upon a time, there were two Chinamen.Now look how many there are.
371Once you understand the problem, you find that it is worse than you expected.
372One goddamned thing leads to another goddamned thing.
373One good thing about living on a farm is that you can fight with your wife and ain't nobody gonna hear.
374One lawyer = a crook.Two lawyers = a law firm.Three or more lawyers = a legislature.
375One may generally observe a singular accord between supercelestial ideas and subterranean behavior.
376One sees more clearly backward than forward.
377One thing you can say for kids: they don't go around showing pictures of their grandparents.
378Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.
379Our architect's plans for plant renovation begin with a precision air strike.
380Peace is a premise the existence of which we have deduced from the intervals between wars.
381People are always available for work in the past tense.
382People use the most words when they are the least certain of what they are saying.
383People who cough a lot never go to the doctor...just to movies, concerts, and lectures.
384People who have no faults are terrible: there is no way to take advantage of them.
385People who live in a golden age complain that everything looks yellow.
386People, like turtles, make little progress without sticking their necks out.
387Pessimists are the world's happiest people....Ninety percent of the time they are right, and the other ten percent they are pleasantly surprised.
388Pinocchio was such a dolt to try to become a human being. He was much better off with a wooden head.
389Policemen with private motives are dangerous.
390Political cunning should never be mistaken for intelligence.
391Politicians are much like ships: noisiest when lost in a fog.
392Politicians deal with the public on the basis of the mushroom policy: Keep them in the dark and feed them manure.
393Practical politics consists of ignoring the facts. Come to think of it, practical anything consists of that.
394Proctologist's revenge: put Ben-Gay in a guy's tube of Nupercainal.
395Proof-positive that Eastern and Western technologies can indeed work together: the Teflon-coated wok.
396Psychopaths aren't born. They are made.
397Rabbits dance at the funeral of the lion.
398Reality precedes perception.Except, of course, in southern California.
399Remember the good old days When juvenile delinquency was observed mainly in juveniles 
400Remember when "There's something in the air" was just a figure of speech
401Respect for ourselves guides our morals; deference to others governs our manners.
402Revenge is a dish best served cold.Roughing it is television without cable.
403Rumors are the sauce of a dry life.
404Saints engage in introspection while burly sinners run the world.
405Scandal, like hypocrisy, is bipartisan.
406Science has finally found what distinguishes Man from the other beasts: financial worries.
407Serendipity is looking in a haystack for a needle and finding the farmer's daughter.
408Show me anything whereof it may be said "See, this is new," and I will show you it hath been.
409Shrink not from blasphemy - t'will pass for wit.
410Simple pleasures are the last refuge of the complex.
411Since few large pleasures are lent to us on a long lease, it is wise to cultivate a large undergrowth of small pleasures.
412Small things entertain small minds.
413Smooth seas never made a good sailor.
414Some people are always lost in thought; other people lack thoughts large enough to be lost in.
415Some people can look so busy that they seem indispensable.
416Some people can stay longer in an hour than others can in a week.
417Some people manage by the book, even though they don't know who wrote the book or even what book.
418Sometimes it is good to be only a fly when giants are fighting for the heavens.
419Sometimes, a cigar is just a cigar.    - S. Freud
420Songs unheard are sweeter far.
421Stress is that condition created when the mind overrides the body's
422basic desire to choke the living shit out of some asshole who desperately needs it.
423Strong words connote weak arguments.
424Succeeding is more satisfying than success.
425Success consists of reaching 40 before your waist does.
426Support your local bloodhound.Get lost.
427Sympathy is what you give a relative when you don't want to lend him cash.
428Take care which rut you choose; you'll be in it for the next ten years.Taking something with a grain of salt may raise your blood pressure.
429Tatoos are the common man's way of investing in art.
430Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.
431Television is chewing gum for the eyes.
432Tell a man that there are 500 million trillion stars in the universe and he will believe you. Tell him that there's wet paint on that bench....
433Tempt not a desperate man.
434That which is crooked cannot be made straight, although there are psychotherapists who might disagree.
435The Boy Scout credo: sound mind, sound body...take your choice.
436The British parliament is called the "Mother of Legislatures". A somewhat similar term is often applied to Congress.
437The Devil's greatest triumph was convincing the modern world that he doesn't exist.
438The Russians will never invade us...there's no place to park.
439The attention span of a computer is only as long as its electrical cord.
440The average U.S. taxpayer is proud to be paying taxes. Of course, he could be just as proud for half the money.
441The best bilge pump in the world is a terrified sailor with a bucket.
442The best way to achieve immortality is by not dying.
443The best way to attract money is to give the appearance of having it.
444The best way to avoid growing old is not to be born so soon.
445The best way to make fire with two sticks is to insure that one of them is a match.
446The best way to save face is to keep the lower half closed.
447The bigger they are, the harder they punch.
448The biggest idiot can ask questions the smartest man cannot answer.
449The danger in being king is that after a while you begin to believe you really are one.
450The deepest and most important virtues are often the dullest ones.
451The degree of technical competence is inversely proportional to the level of management.
452The fifteen minute morning coffee break is when your employees take a break from doing nothing.
453The first great gift that we can bestow upon others is a good example.
454The first place in which to look for something is the last place in which you expect to find it.
455The fraudulence of the exercise is proportional to the margin of victory.
456The galaxy is full of dishonorable men ...Well, everyone's got to make a living.
457The gap between theory and practice is filled with apology.
458The great classes of people will more easily fall victims to a great lie than to a small one.
459The great tragedy of our era is not the significance of things but the insignificance of things.
460The healthy stomach is nothing if not conservative; few radicals have good digestions.
461The human brain is a wonderous instrument. It starts working the moment you wake up and doesn't stop until you get to the office.
462The last man on Earth sat alone in a room.There was a knock on the door...
463The last time doctors went on strike, the death rate dropped thirty percent.
464The later you are for your flight, the more times you have to go through the metal detector.
465The law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich as well as the poor to sleep under bridges, beg in the streets, and steal bread.
466The lawyer's credo: if you can't dazzle 'em with brilliance, baffle 'em with bullshit.
467The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlamp of an oncoming train.
468The longer you wait in line, the greater the probability that it is the wrong line.
469The man who is always talking about being a gentleman never is one.
470The more cordial the buyer's secretary, the greater the probability that the competition already has the order.
471The most beautiful days of the year are always the days just before and just after your vacation.
472The most successful journey is a dull journey.
473The mouse dreams dreams that would terrify the cat.
474The nice thing about scientific studies is that you can always find one that proves conclusively that your product is safe and that your competitor's causes cancer.
475The number of employees in any work group tends to increase irrespective of the amount of work to be done.
476The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of what you're doing.The one time in the day that you lean back and relax is the one time the boss comes strolling through the plant.
477The only government handout that I want is the government's hand out of my pocket.
478The only imperfect thing in nature is the human race.
479The only people that snobs want to know are those who don't want to know them.
480The only people to profit from the mistakes of others are biographers.
481The only perfect science is hindsight.
482The only thing worse than a male chauvinist pig is the female version.
483The only things in history that are inevitable are those that have already happened.
484The only valid generalization that can be made about scientists is that they require unlimited resources for improbable projects of interminable gestation periods.
485The opera ain't over 'til the fat lady sings.
486The opulence of the front office decor varies inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm.
487The organization of any bureaucracy is very much like a septic
488tank....The really big chunks always rise to the top.
489The person who buys the most raffle tickets has the least chance of winning.
490The person who marries for money generally ends up earning it.
491The person who snores the loudest will fall asleep first.
492The price of total freedom is total anarchy. The price of total
493security is total enslavement.
494The primary function of the design engineer is to make things
495difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman.
496The probability of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side
497down is proportional to the cost of the carpet.
498The probability of your alarm not going off increases in direct
499proportion to the importance of your 8:00am meeting.
500The promises of maniacs, like those of salesmen, are not safely relied upon.
501The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, but that's the way to bet 'em.
502The rat race is over. The rats won.
503The real crime in education today is not the way we treat teachers but whom we allow to be teachers.
504The real outrage today isn't what's illegal.It's what is legal.
505The reason the way of the sinner is hard is because it is so crowded.
506The reason why worry kills more people than work does is that more people worry than work.
507The repairman will never have seen a model quite like yours before.
508The saddest of words: I always wanted to but never did.
509The secret of staying young is finding an age that you really like and then sticking with it.
510The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made.
511The ship of state is the only ship that leaks at the top.
512The smaller the issue, the bigger the fight.
513The sole reliable test of a first-rate intelligence is to hold two opposite ideas in the mind whilst still retaining the ability to tie one's own shoe laces.
514The sooner man begins to spend his wealth, the better he uses it.
515The strongest part of any paper form is the perforation.
516The successful enjoyment of vice requires training and long practice.
517The sun ariseth and the sun goeth down, and the same things come alike to the righteous and the wicked.
518The supreme irony of life is that hardly anyone gets out of it alive.
519The tale of the errant entrepreneur: High chair; high school; high hopes; high finance; "Hi, Warden!".
520The universe is governed by a committee; no one man could make that many mistakes.
521The very same American textile industry that lobbies hysterically
522against the import of textile products imports virtually all its textile manufacturing machinery...I wonder why
523The whole of life is futile unless you regard it is a sporting proposition.
524The world is a comedy to those that think, a tragedy to those that feel.
525The world is disgracefully managed; one hardly knows to whom to complain.
526Them that has, gets.
527There are no moral messages in Nature.
528There are only four basic plots in life, and nine in literature.
529There are those who make things happen.There are those who watch things happen.And there are those who wonder what happened.
530There are three rules for successfully managing people:
531Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
532There are three types of deliberate falsehoods: lies, damned lies, and salesmen's promises.
533There are two kinds of men who never amount to much: those who cannot
534do what they are told, and those who can do nothing else.
535There are two periods in which Congress does no business: one is before the holidays and the other is after.
536There is a time for everything.Mostly, the wrong time.
537There is always one more son of a bitch than you counted on.
538There is an optimal size for any project, and it is always bigger than you can afford.
539There is no truth in the rumor that man is immortal.
540There is nothing like a grievance to sharpen an old man's wits.
541There is nothing more terrible than ignorance in action.
542There is nothing wrong with you that an expensive surgical operation cannot prolong.
543There is wisdom in madness and strong probability of truth in all accusations, for people are complete, and everybody is capable of anything.
544There's nothing wrong with gluttony...providing you don't overdo it.
545These days, an education is essential for career success. Unless, of course, you run for Congress.
546They don't invite you to the White House for a drink because they think you are thirsty.
547Things get worse under pressure.
548Those things are better which are perfected by Nature than those which are finished by art.
549Those who beat their swords into plowshares generally end up plowing for those who didn't.
550Those who can - do.Those who can't - teach.Those totally devoid of useful ability become government economists.
551Those who can't teach - administer.Those who can't administer - run for public office.
552Those who do not follow are dragged.
553Those who do not learn from history often end up making it.
554Those who like sausage or political policy should not watch either being made.
555Time is a great teacher, but it kills all its pupils.
556To a little fish, the waters are always deep.
557To a man with a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
558To a weary horse, even his own tail is a burden.
559To err is human. To really foul things up requires a computer. To create utter chaos with no perceivable possibility of salvation calls for an MBA.
560To have honesty coupled to beauty is to have honey the sauce to sugar.
561To hear tell a hundred times is not as good as once seeing.
562To spot the true expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take the longest and cost the most.
563To understand the clay is not to understand the pot.
564Today's conservative is yesterday's liberal who got mugged last night.
565Too much of anything is wonderful.
566Truth is a hard master to serve, for the more devotedly you serve her, the more she hurts you.
567Truth is very precious, so salesmen and politicians use it very sparingly.
568Tyranny is always better organized than freedom is.
569Under some conditions, in some place, at some time, there will always be at least one law, ordinance, or statute under which you can be booked.
570Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of temperature, pressure, humidity, time, and voltage, the machine will do as it damned well pleases.
571Unfaithfulness in the keeping of an appointment is an act of clear dishonesty.
572You may as well take a person's money as his time.
573Universities are full of knowledge. The freshmen bring a little in and the seniors take none away, so knowledge accumulates.
574Virtue does not lend itself to the same verbal enthusiasms that vice does.
575Virtue is a social liability.
576We ain't cheap, but by gosh, we're good!
577We are all passengers in the leaky rowboat of life. So, bail faster, damn it!
578We are inclined to believe those whom we do not know because they have never deceived us.
579We do not know who first discovered water. However, we are confident that it was not a fish.
580We don't know one millionth of one per cent about anything.
581We know what we are, but not what we may be.
582Welcome to the totally-automated, fully computerized world of the twenty-first century, where nothing can go wrong...go wrong...go wrong...
583What do the lie detector and Wonder Woman have in common They were invented by the same person.Kinda figures, doesn't it.
584What do you call 500 bureaucrats at the bottom of the Potomac river ? A start.
585What people say behind your back is your standing in the community.
586What the large print giveth, the small print taketh away.
587Whatever is not nailed down is the government's. Whatever the government can pry loose is not nailed down.
588When I works, I works fast.When I plays, I plays hard.And when I thinks, I falls asleep.
589When a broken machine is demonstrated for the repairman, it will work perfectly.
590When a man dies, he does not die just of the disease he has; he dies of his whole life.
591When anything is used to its full potential, it will break.
592When comes the revolution, things will be different - not better, just different.
593When in doubt, mumble.When in trouble, delegate.
594When in trouble or in doubt, Run in circles, yell and shout.
595When men are easy in their circumstances, they are naturally enemies to innovation.
596When smashing monuments, always save the pedestals - they come in handy.
597When the hounds bay, the fox and the rabbit are brothers.
598When the mouse laughs at the cat, there is a hole very near by.
599When the old dog barks, better look out the window.
600When there is no danger in fighting, there is no glory in winning.
601When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.
602When you've read about one train wreck, you've read about them all.
603Whenever a man casts a longing eye at public office, a rottenness appears in his conduct.
604Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damned fool discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it totally beyond recognition.
605Where you stand on an issue depends upon where you sit.
606Who mourns the falling of a single leaf ?
607Whom the gods would destroy, they first make mad.
608Why do they always start off the evening news with "Good evening" when all they do is tell you why it isn't ?
609Why is there always so much month left at the end of the money ?
610Why long for glory, which one despises as soon as one has it ?
611Women like silent men. They think they're listening.
612Women's taste in neckties is as bad as men's in chintz.
613Work smarder and not harder and be careful of yor speling.
614Workers these days don't mind putting in an honest day's work. Trouble is, it takes 'em a week to do it.
615Would that reason were as contagious as emotion.
616Would you fly in an airliner designed and built by the lowest bidder?
617Yea, though I walk thru the valley of the shadow of death, I shall
618fear no evil, 'cause I'm the meanest s.o.b. in the valley.
619Years ago, the symbol of America was the bald eagle. Today, it is the beer bottle on the side of the road.
620You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word.
621You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
622You can say this for death and taxes: when you are done with one, you're done with the other.
623You can't drown your troubles, not the real ones, because if they are real, they can swim.
624You can't have a clear head when there is a sword hanging over it.
625You can't win.
626You cannot do a kindness too soon, for you never know when it will be too late.
627You cannot reason a man out of that which he has not been reasoned into.
628You cannot tame a tiger by pulling but one of his teeth.
629You know that it's gonna be a bad day when you call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold. 
630You know you are in trouble when you come to work in the morning and the boss tells you not to take off your coat.
631You know you are in trouble when your only son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind her own business.
632You may not get what you pay for, but you always pay for what youget.
633You never know how many friends you have until you own a house at the beach.
634You only go around once, and there's not enough gusto for everyone.
635You rarely observe a mob rushing across town to do a good deed.
636You've one mouth and two ears...use them in that proportion.
637Your freedom to swing your arm ends where my nose begins.