· 6 years ago · Mar 16, 2019, 11:44 PM
1<p style="text-align: center;"><em><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>"</span></em><em><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>Noli me tangere, for Caesar's I am, </span></em></p>
2
3<p style="text-align: center;"><em><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>And wild for to hold, though I seem tame."</span></em></p>
4
5<p style="text-align: center;"><img src="https://file.toyhou.se/images/8978070_hJPRH5YY6wuV0OO.png" class="fr-fic fr-dib" width="945" height="503"></p>
6
7<p style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Hx72I0dTOI&feature=youtu.be" id=""><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; font-size: 14px;'>-ambiance-</span></a></p>
8
9<p style="text-align: center;"><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>i convinced myself</span>
10 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>of my ability to do it</span>
11 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>in the other room</span>
12 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>but i walked</span>
13 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>and found a drawer full of</span>
14 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>sharp knives</span>
15 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>and i just stared</span>
16 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>i wonder why</span></p>
17<hr>
18
19<p style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://toyhou.se/~forums/8557.player-characters/55807.aberration-emma-halwell?page=1#post-1327667" id=""><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">Emma's Character Sheet</span></a></p>
20
21<p style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><a href="https://toyhou.se/~forums/8557.player-characters/55807.aberration-emma-halwell?page=1#post-1327670" id=""> Diary: quiet dreams and (garbage)</a></span></p>
22
23<p style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><a href="https://toyhou.se/~forums/8557.player-characters/55807.aberration-emma-halwell?page=1#post-1327672" id="">Determination's Scribblings: don't fucking read</a></span></p>
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25<p style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><a href="https://toyhou.se/~forums/8557.player-characters/55807.aberration-emma-halwell?page=1#post-1327674" id="">People, Music, and More</a></span></p>
26
27<p style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><a href="https://toyhou.se/~forums/8557.player-characters/55807.aberration-emma-halwell?page=1#post-1327675" id=""> session 0/4 (a story yet to begin, or the penpal) </a></span></p>
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29<p style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><a href="https://toyhou.se/~forums/8557.player-characters/55807.aberration-emma-halwell?page=1#post-1327676" id="">Session 1/4 (negative o, or the sum of two)</a></span></p>
30
31<p style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"> <a href="https://toyhou.se/~forums/8557.player-characters/55807.aberration-emma-halwell?page=1#post-1327677" id="">Session 2/4 (steel train, or the women deaf to the reason of a six stringed guitar)</a></span></p>
32
33<p style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"> <a href="https://toyhou.se/~forums/8557.player-characters/55807.aberration-emma-halwell?page=1#post-1327679" id="">Session 3/4 (the hedgehog, or the lance the pierced my stomach)</a></span></p>
34
35<p style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://toyhou.se/~forums/8557.player-characters/55807.aberration-emma-halwell?page=1#post-1327680" id=""><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">Session 4/4 (rock star, or the dreams of prison walls)</span></a></p>
36<hr>
37
38<p style="text-align: center;"><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier; font-size: 12px;'>Emma: #8A3DFF</span><span style="font-size: 12px;"><br></span><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(88, 10, 204); font-size: 12px;'>Determination: #580ACC</span></p>
39<hr>
40<div>
41 <div class="fr-spoiler">
42
43 <p style="text-align: center;"><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; background-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: rgb(255, 255, 255);'>FIRST TIME<br>I MET YOU</span></p>
44
45 <p style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 255);"><span style="background-color: rgb(0, 0, 0);"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">there was something about her that no one else could recognize. she was soft, sweet even, if you knew where to look. the spaces between the jagged edges. i was the opposite; i was loved, but if you looked between you’d see something else. i think i was (or maybe i am) attracted to her because she was a mess of problems like me. maybe i thought i could figure myself out by figuring her out. somewhere in those depths was the answer to my problems, to our problems. maybe she thought the same.</span></span>
46 </span>
47 </p>
48
49 <p style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 255);"><span style="background-color: rgb(0, 0, 0);"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">we were puzzles waiting for each other, trying to figure out how to fit together.<br><br>I TURN<br>INWARD</span></span>
50 </span>
51 </p>
52
53 <p style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 255);"><span style="background-color: rgb(0, 0, 0);"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">there's something very sisyphean about existence. that's what the absurd is, isn't it? the conflict between the desire for value and meaning and the lack of any to be found. you fucking idiot, a wikapedia level understanding of philosophical concepts doesn't make you deep or insightful, just vapid and pretentious. being able to reformulate other people's ideas isn't an entertaining trick, you're just an idiot that lacks any creativity. nothing like the people you try to emulate you fucking failure, there's nothing important about you.<br><br>ALWAYS LOOKING<br>FOR A WAY<br>OUT</span></span>
54 </span>
55 </p>
56
57 <p style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 255);"><span style="background-color: rgb(0, 0, 0);"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">i saw her flirting with that bitch and something twisted inside me. all that time she was trying to fix me and she didn't realize that she was at least 60% of my problem. but that's why i need her, i guess, because i wanted to be everything. every time she looked away from me i felt sick, i felt like dying. it's not healthy to feel that way about someone, i think. if only i was perfect and she was perfect too. if only we weren't so grossly human, piles of missed opportunities and regrets and complexes and mess. 'if only' was never a game worth playing though, it only reminded me of the distance between us. and there really is too much distance between us. that's what really hurt, i guess, but at least unsustainable love felt like more than nothing.</span></span>
58 </span>
59 </p>
60
61 <p style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 255);"><span style="background-color: rgb(0, 0, 0);"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">i really do love her, or at least i think i do.<br><br>ALWAYS THOUGHT<br>IT WOULD<br>END LIKE<br>THIS</span></span>
62 </span>
63 </p>
64
65 <p style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 255);"><span style="background-color: rgb(0, 0, 0);"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">i spent that night looking for a way to die. the knives were too dull, not that i didn’t try. it wasn't about feeling sad, that's what a lot of people didn't get. it was more like... just being numb. numb to everything. the overwhelming feeling that there was just nothing in life worth living for, that nothing could make me really happy. it was like being really cold all the time. i slammed the drawer shut, a little surprised at myself for looking and a little disappointed. the only thing that really kept me going on was shame, having to think about what they would think about after i died. sorry, mostly what she would think. i couldn't push that burden on to someone else, i couldn't handle that. i was on my 4th drink, but maybe the pain was nothing that another or another few couldn't stop. or maybe a little weed or some pills or something else, i wasn't above mixing (at least not right now) and i still had that little stash that riley gave me. a 'going away' present. she always knew i hated that shit, hell, maybe she hated it too, but we were always looking for something to feel.<br><br>THERE IS<br>NO REASON</span></span>
66 </span>
67 </p>
68
69 <p style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 255);"><span style="background-color: rgb(0, 0, 0);"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">this is all bullshit. a fabrication, none of it's real. what is real?<br><br>WHATEVER<br>IT IS<br>IT DEFINES ME</span></span>
70 </span>
71 </p>
72
73 <p style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 255);"><span style="background-color: rgb(0, 0, 0);"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">and for a while i'd be able to tell myself that it's okay. that i can breath, that i can smile. and i'll look in the mirror and do it, i'd smile, and for a second i'd convince myself that it was real. but then i'd turn away, and that smile would be gone, and that moment would be lost. that's the harsh reality of things: even when it seemed okay i would be back in the place before long. i was born that way. that way of living defined me. i was (am) wholly incomplete and left only to wonder why. nothing could fill that urge, that craving, that hole. and maybe i tricked myself into thinking that riley can make me happy for a while, but there were some thing that love couldn't trump. well, maybe it could and we just didn't have that kind of love. i'll be left not knowing forever. the weakness of the body led to the weakness of the mind and the weakness of the mind led to the weakness of the body. there was no going forward. and that's who i was and there was no changing that.<br><br>DON'T<br>WAIT AROUND<br>FOR ME</span></span>
74 </span>
75 </p>
76
77 <p style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 255);"><span style="background-color: rgb(0, 0, 0);"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">why is what i want to do and the right thing to do always so different<br><br>I AM<br>NOT<br>WORTH<br>THIS</span></span>
78 </span>
79 </p>
80
81 <p style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 255);"><span style="background-color: rgb(0, 0, 0);"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">fucking idiot art house garbage doesn't impress anyone. why can't you say it straight? chin up. she won't love you because you're unlovable. who would love you? worthless garbage. nothing about you is original. just one of millions of ugly lazy sad people reaching for the unreachable. being depressed doesn't make you cool or unique or deep, it just makes you feel like shit, but you like hurting yourself don't you? do yourself a favor and slash your wrists and bleed out. you're better off without this world and they're better off without you. why can't you get it right get it right get it right get it right get it right geti t rigght fidiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiwho are you fooling besides yourself</span></span>
82 </span>
83 </p>
84
85 <p style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 255);"><span style="background-color: rgb(0, 0, 0);"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">WHY<br>KEEP<br>PRETENDING<br><br>copper taste filled my mouth - was it pills or a rope or a razor... i couldn't remember. it all felt fuzzy. the whole affair was like a null zone in my head. one would think it was important enough to not forget, but as my blood soaked into the carpet the whole world seemed to go topsy turvy. bile, loss of air, feet flailing, convulsing, i was lost. everything spun, but the thing was still watching in the corner. i don't think it quite understood what was happening, that its existence would be erased alongside her own. did it even have an existence? it was hard to say. questions that wouldn't need answers, or so i had assumed at the time. frank found me like that, and i think we both thought i was going to die. the truth is, as i lay there, i realized that i wasn't ready to leave. terror overwhelmed me as i took what i thought would be my final plunge into the unknown. but i saw no god, no angels, no hell, no heaven, only blackness.</span></span>
86 </span>
87 </p>
88
89 <p style="text-align: center;"><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; background-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: rgb(255, 255, 255);'>he saved me, but maybe he shouldn't have. </span></p>
90 </div>
91</div>
92
93---------------------
94
95<p style="text-align: center;"><img src="http://orig15.deviantart.net/e78b/f/2016/306/b/0/f2u_streetlight_a_by_zandiazz-dan3ef5.png " class="fr-fic fr-dii" width="17" height="94" style="background-color: initial; font-size: 0.9rem;"><img src="https://i.imgur.com/FaCtAeD.png" class="fr-fic fr-dii" width="500" height="90" style="background-color: initial; font-size: 0.9rem;">
96 <br>
97</p>
98
99<p style="text-align: center;"><img src="https://orig03.deviantart.net/e855/f/2013/217/6/d/black_cross_divider_by_crossxpuppy-d6gukm6.gif" class="fr-fic fr-dii" width="150" height="24"></p>
100
101<p style="text-align: center;"><em><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"><strong><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">"Just 'Em' is fine."<img src="https://orig03.deviantart.net/e855/f/2013/217/6/d/black_cross_divider_by_crossxpuppy-d6gukm6.gif" class="fr-fic fr-dib" width="150" height="24"></span></strong></span></em></p>
102
103<p><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-size: 24px; font-family: "courier new", courier;'><img src="http://orig04.deviantart.net/5b73/f/2016/119/0/a/f2u_deer_skull_icon_by_hotdogebuns-da0o94l.png" class="fr-fic fr-dii" width="50" height="50">Age</span></p>
104
105<p style="margin-left: 20px;"><span style="font-size: 12px;"><span style="font-size: 12px;">17</span> </span>
106</p>
107
108<p><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-size: 24px; font-family: "courier new", courier;'><img src="http://orig04.deviantart.net/5b73/f/2016/119/0/a/f2u_deer_skull_icon_by_hotdogebuns-da0o94l.png" class="fr-fic fr-dii" width="50" height="50">Height</span></p>
109
110<p style="margin-left: 20px;">5'4"</p>
111
112<p><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-size: 24px; font-family: "courier new", courier;'><img src="http://orig04.deviantart.net/5b73/f/2016/119/0/a/f2u_deer_skull_icon_by_hotdogebuns-da0o94l.png" class="fr-fic fr-dii" width="50" height="50">Weight</span></p>
113
114<p style="margin-left: 20px;">125 lbs.</p>
115
116<p><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-size: 24px; font-family: "courier new", courier;'><img src="http://orig04.deviantart.net/5b73/f/2016/119/0/a/f2u_deer_skull_icon_by_hotdogebuns-da0o94l.png" class="fr-fic fr-dii" width="50" height="50">Appearance</span></p>
117
118<p style="margin-left: 20px;">The clothes look good, Em. The purple too. </p>
119
120<p><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-size: 24px; font-family: "courier new", courier;'><img src="http://orig04.deviantart.net/5b73/f/2016/119/0/a/f2u_deer_skull_icon_by_hotdogebuns-da0o94l.png" class="fr-fic fr-dii" width="50" height="50">Personality</span></p>
121
122<p style="margin-left: 20px;">Lately, I've been feeling pretty good. What happened? Inevitable, I guess. Bottling it up or compartmentalizing, whatever you call it, I'm here. Try to piece it together if you want. </p>
123
124<p><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-size: 24px; font-family: "courier new", courier;'><img src="http://orig04.deviantart.net/5b73/f/2016/119/0/a/f2u_deer_skull_icon_by_hotdogebuns-da0o94l.png" class="fr-fic fr-dii" width="50" height="50">Background</span></p>
125
126<p style="margin-left: 20px;">Matters for shit all anymore. Stuck here know, aren't I?</p>
127
128<p><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-size: 24px; font-family: "courier new", courier;'><img src="http://orig04.deviantart.net/5b73/f/2016/119/0/a/f2u_deer_skull_icon_by_hotdogebuns-da0o94l.png" class="fr-fic fr-dii" width="50" height="50">Magic</span></p>
129
130<p style="text-align: center;"><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-size: 14px; font-family: "courier new", courier;'>Tulpamancy V6</span></p>
131
132<p style="margin-left: 20px;"><img src="https://i.imgur.com/njQJ5G8.png" class="fr-fic fr-dib" width="436" height="646"></p>
133
134<p style="margin-left: 20px;">Emma channels her emotions to create creatures of pure thought. She relies upon positive emotions to create Tulpas, but through the lens of her mind they become twisted and bastardized. These creatures appears to be made of solid shadow that constantly churns and swirls upon itself.
135 <br>
136 <br><strong><u>Love:</u> </strong>Pulls people and objects towards itself by sheer force of mind. Love has a range of 30m and a decidedly forceful pull.
137 <br>
138 <br><strong><u>Happiness: </u></strong>Self-destructs itself, creating a small explosion, taking 3 minutes to reform. Happiness can follow more complicated commands than other Tulpas, such as: "Wait seven seconds before exploding three meters east of the target".
139 <br><strong><u><br>Devotion:</u></strong> Turns the ground into thick and sticky sludge, greatly impairing movement. Devotion has a 10m range.
140 <br>
141 <br><strong><u>Determination (AKA Det, Riley): </u></strong>Determination is much stronger than her peers, capable of hitting much harder than her body would suggest. Determination is sentient, capable of abstract thought, reasoning, and communication. She is able to move through existence and non-existence, and can mentally communicate with Emma. Emma can cut this off, a feature which goes both ways. Determination can be sent commands by thought, and can also command other Tulpas. Unlike the other Tulpas, she has the appearance of a person. She is 6'3", has a narrow frame, and long blue hair with a chronic case of resting bitch face.
142 <br><strong><u><br>Charity:</u></strong> Can siphon energy from one target, the effects of this drain almost unnoticeable before it's too late.</p>
143
144<p style="margin-left: 20px;"><strong><u>Concern</u></strong><strong><u>:</u></strong> Much like a phantom, the tulpa can fly and pass through solid inorganic objects as it pleases in order to act as an extension of Emma’s sight and therefore summoning range. The tulpa can only transmit sight and is easily dispersed, having the durability of a water balloon, essentially. This Tulpa appears different from the rest, with a much smaller form.
145 <br>
146 <br>
147</p>
148
149<p style="margin-left: 20px;">Emma must command her Tulpas verbally. Bereft of command they'll continue with the last order given to the best of their ability, but are unintelligent with the exception of Determination. She can summon four Tulpas at a time.</p>
150
151<p><em><img src="https://file.toyhou.se/images/7127975_UP7jrIpreTqGHVA.gif" class="fr-fic fr-dib" width="116" height="174"></em>
152 <br><img src="http://orig04.deviantart.net/5b73/f/2016/119/0/a/f2u_deer_skull_icon_by_hotdogebuns-da0o94l.png" class="fr-fic fr-dii" width="50" height="50" style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier; font-size: 24px; background-color: initial;"><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier; font-size: 24px; background-color: initial;'>Dream</span></p>
153
154<p style="margin-left: 20px;">It's so warm. That's what I remember the most. It was so warm. Pleasant, the sunlight washed over me, it was making me clean, burning away all the bad shit I felt, but... but I was scared. I was alone. I knew all my friends left me, ran away, they saw me for what I really was. They saw me and ran away. I was so alone. But no, no, I wasn't alone, something else was there... a presence. I could feel it staring down at me but there was nothing. I felt so empty, so alone. What had it done? The thing staring at me had done something... something awful. I could feel something inside me. Power. A higher purpose. It welled up, surged, and suddenly the presence was gone. It was gone and she was too.</p>
155
156<p><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-size: 24px; font-family: "courier new", courier;'><img src="http://orig04.deviantart.net/5b73/f/2016/119/0/a/f2u_deer_skull_icon_by_hotdogebuns-da0o94l.png" class="fr-fic fr-dii" width="50" height="50">Nightmare</span></p>
157
158<p style="margin-left: 20px;">They were all around me. Friends. People I could trust, people who loved me. I felt so... fulfilled. Was I happy? I'm not sure, it had been so long I forgot what the feeling felt like. I had to think... think... no, this must be it! This must be happiness. A man approached me. He was handsome, strong, his smile was so reassuring. He sat down next to me, leaned against me, he smelt so good... <span style="color: rgb(247, 151, 106);">”Tell me, was it worth it?”</span> he asked. <span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);">”I... I don't know.”</span> He shook his head. What I said made him so <em>angry</em>. <span style="color: rgb(247, 151, 106);">”Everything you've done, and... you... you <em>don't know</em>?”</span> He was gone. But I was still happy. Still alive. The emptiness was gone, finally.</p>
159
160<p><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-size: 24px; font-family: "courier new", courier;'><img src="http://orig04.deviantart.net/5b73/f/2016/119/0/a/f2u_deer_skull_icon_by_hotdogebuns-da0o94l.png" class="fr-fic fr-dii" width="50" height="50">Awakening</span></p>
161
162<p style="margin-left: 20px;">Aberration</p>
163
164<p style="margin-left: 40px;"><span style='font-size: 14px; font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>Stigma, nearly unnoticeable after her dream</span></p>
165
166<p style="margin-left: 60px;">I can hear these... voices. No, not someone else's voice. It's my voice, twisted, wicked. It tells me how worthless I am, tells me my life has no point, reminds me that I'm not happy. I'm pathetic, a burden, no on likes me, my friends hate me, I hate me. It keeps talking. All day. Every single jab at myself amplified.</p>
167
168<p><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-size: 24px; font-family: "courier new", courier;'><img src="http://orig04.deviantart.net/5b73/f/2016/119/0/a/f2u_deer_skull_icon_by_hotdogebuns-da0o94l.png" class="fr-fic fr-dii" width="50" height="50">Armaments</span></p>
169
170<p style="margin-left: 20px;">N/A</p>
171
172----------------
173
174<p style="text-align: center;"><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style="font-size: 24px;">diary of emma halwell</span></span>
175</p>
176
177<p style="text-align: center;"><img src="http://orig12.deviantart.net/430b/f/2017/005/c/8/stars_night_f2u__by_alsuha-dacujq3.png" class="fr-fic fr-dib" width="298" height="297"><img src="https://orig06.deviantart.net/c511/f/2015/351/4/e/you_always_were__by_asexua_lly-d9kh693.png" class="fr-fic fr-dib" width="162" height="56"></p>
178
179<p style="text-align: center;"><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier; background-color: initial; font-size: 0.9rem;'>i think i threw away the last one because it stopped making me feel better. i don't think this is going to either, but maybe it can help keep me sane.</span></p>
180<div class="fr-spoiler">
181
182 <p><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>Me? I'm doing fine. </span><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'> </span></p>
183</div>
184
185<p><u><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><img src="https://orig08.deviantart.net/b9b0/f/2016/323/d/e/_free__blinking_red_light_by_didthesqd-daoyvjz.gif" class="fr-fic fr-dib" width="150" height="59"><img src="https://i.imgur.com/EvXGBBt.png" class="fr-fic fr-dib" width="500" height="780"></span></u></p>
186
187<p style="text-align: center;"><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; font-size: 24px; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>a collection of pointless reminders</span></p>
188<div class="fr-spoiler">
189
190 <p><u style='font-family: "courier new", courier; background-color: initial; font-size: 0.9rem;'>[0] A Reminder of Things From a Different Life</u></p>
191
192 <p><span style="color: rgb(76, 185, 173);"><a href="https://etherpad.net/p/the_empress_(II)" id=""><span style='background-color: initial; font-size: 0.9rem; font-family: "courier new", courier;'>(II)</span></a>
193 </span><span style='background-color: initial; font-size: 0.9rem; color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'> the mother who never had time </span></p>
194
195 <p><span style="color: rgb(76, 185, 173);"><a href="https://etherpad.net/p/the_devil_(XV)" id=""><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style="background-color: initial; font-size: 0.9rem;">(XV)</span></span>
196 </a>
197 </span><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"><span style="background-color: initial; font-size: 0.9rem;"> the fake father who didn't want me</span></span>
198 </span>
199 </p>
200
201 <p><span style="color: rgb(76, 185, 173);"><a href="https://etherpad.net/p/the_tower_(XVI)" id=""><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">(XVI)</span></a>
202 </span><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"> <span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);">the other fake father who gave up on me</span></span>
203 </p>
204
205 <p><span style="color: rgb(76, 185, 173);"><a href="https://etherpad.net/p/the_hanged_man_(XII)" id=""><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">(XII)</span></a>
206 </span><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"> the ghost of an older sister who abandoned me</span></span>
207 </p>
208
209 <p><span style="color: rgb(76, 185, 173);"><a href="https://etherpad.net/p/the_lovers_(VI)" id=""><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">(VI)</span></a>
210 </span><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"> the girl who i loved and i left behind</span></span>
211 </p>
212
213 <p><span style="color: rgb(76, 185, 173);"><a href="https://etherpad.net/p/the_fool_(0)" id=""><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">(0)</span></a>
214 </span><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"> and a girl who was scared and alone</span></span>
215 </p>
216
217 <p><span style="color: rgb(76, 185, 173);"><a href="https://etherpad.net/p/the_fool_(XXII)" id=""><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier;'>(XXII)</span></a>
218 </span><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>and still is</span></p>
219
220 <p><u style="background-color: initial; font-size: 0.9rem;"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">[1] Aphasia</span></u></p>
221
222 <p><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);">they always talk at me, but I don’t think I (really) understand.<br><br>what about my own voice?</span></span>
223 </p>
224
225 <p><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><u>[2] Agoraphobia</u></span></p>
226
227 <p><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);">it would be easier if I could just lock myself in that damn dorm, isn’t it?<br><br>hazel (probably) wouldn’t be great company.</span></span>
228 </p>
229
230 <p><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><u>[3] Insomnia</u></span></p>
231
232 <p><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style="color: rgb(247, 151, 106);">hey, is it scary?<br></span><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"><br>Duh.<br><br></span><span style="color: rgb(247, 151, 106);">stupid question i guess. you guys are fighting all the time right?<br></span><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"><br>That’s not the scary part.<br><br></span><span style="color: rgb(247, 151, 106);">huh?</span><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"><br><br>It’s after. At like 1 AM when I’m in bed and can’t sleep and everything is quiet and still and I have no choice but to be along with my thoughts.<br><br>Fuck, I used to love staying up all night.<br><br></span><span style="color: rgb(247, 151, 106);">lmao you're a dork trying to sound all deep and shit<br><br>at least you’ve got scars to keep you warm late at night right? ;)<br><br>... not that I'm jealous or anything.</span></span>
233 </p>
234
235 <p><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><u>[4] Fold in my Heart</u></span></p>
236
237 <p><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);">i'm not really sure<br>if i really like hurting people<br>or if it's the x<br>anyways, how do i tell you something that i can't even admit to myself?<br>you need me to(o)</span></span>
238 </p>
239
240 <p><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><u>[5] Plastic Memories</u></span></p>
241
242 <p><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);">today she asked<br>why we were broke up<br>i lied and told her i couldn't remember<br>but i'm still bitter</span></span>
243 </p>
244
245 <p><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><u>[6] Hypnophobia</u></span></p>
246
247 <p><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>i think it's better to burn out than fade away<br>i think it's better to feel numb than feel like this<br>i think it's better to separate myself than live with myself<br>i think it's better that i think i'm disgusting<br>i think it's better this way<br>i think it's better this way<br>i think it's better this way<br>but how long can it go on </span></p>
248
249 <p><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><u>[7] Aquamarine Dream</u></span></p>
250
251 <p><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>hodgepodge dirty dime dozen beautiful mess insecurities keep adding up and up and up<br><br>and up<br><br>she told me that the world was gonna roll me <em>(very funny)</em><br><br>but it's fine<br><br>really<br><br>it really is even if thi</span></p>
252
253 <p><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><u>[8] Footnote</u></span></p>
254
255 <p><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>jesus<br>this shit is fucking awful<br>i should burn it</span></p>
256
257 <p><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><u>[9] Halycon Days</u></span></p>
258
259 <p><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>a long time ago we laughed so much<br>every day was like a long party<br>and we were so happy<br>not too long ago<br>we realized things weren't as good as we thought<br>and things were a little less happy<br>one day<br>i left her<br>and she left me<br>and i stubbornly refused to talk to her<br>and she stubbornly refused to talk to me<br>not too long ago<br>i was trying to make it<br>but i was still hurting because we were so far away from each other<br>in so many ways<br>and i try to stay away from people because i don't want them to hurt me as much as she did<br>and i keep trying to forget about it<br>today you're back<br>and it's the same<br>but it will never be the same</span></p>
260
261 <p><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><u>[10] Vibes</u></span></p>
262
263 <p><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>smell of cigarettes<br>ass pressed up against my waist<br>bass thump<br>dark room<br>these shoes weren't made for dancing<br>but at least i can find the beat<br>you're the first one to find me<br>drowning<br>we're just friends<br>but so much more<br>i used to be a good girl</span></p>
264
265 <p><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><u>[11] Eternal Oblivion (stories with the same end)</u></span></p>
266
267 <p><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>1. heaven<br>2. hell<br>3. purgatory<br>4. eternal peace<br>5. i will be the cause of our death<br>6. we are all bound to the same fate.<br>7. i am waylaying the inevitable<br>8. struggle is pointless<br>9. we said we'd see each other there<br>10. i don't think it's happening<br>11. i have no expectations<br>12. i am fine with fading away<br>13. eternal oblivion</span></p>
268
269 <p><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><u>[12] Synthetic Love</u></span></p>
270
271 <p><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>are you thinking about me?<br>i'm thinking about you too<br>do you love someone else as much as you loved me?<br>i sometimes wonder if i could love him as much as i loved you<br>are we looking up at the same moon right now?<br>of course we are, we're connected in ways that we can't imagine<br>are you waiting for me?<br>i'm-</span></p>
272
273 <p><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><u>[13] I Want to Fit Into Your Mold</u></span></p>
274
275 <p><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">i just want to be</span></span>
276 <br><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">who you want me to be</span></span>
277 <br><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">i don't want to be me</span></span>
278 <br><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">i just want to be</span></span>
279 <br><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">who you want me to be</span></span>
280 <br><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">it must be so disgusting to you</span></span>
281 <br><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">that i am me</span></span>
282 <br><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">and not</span></span>
283 <br><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">who you want me to be</span></span>
284 </p>
285
286 <p><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><u>[14] Jigsaw</u></span></p>
287
288 <p><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">last night i had a dream</span></span>
289 <br><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">and i could see everything</span></span>
290 <br><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">i was above all of us, and above the world, and above the galaxy</span></span>
291 <br><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">and i could see beyond all the suns and stars</span></span>
292 <br><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">and at the center of everything</span></span>
293 <br><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">was you and me</span></span>
294 <br><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">and we could see the strings that connected us</span></span>
295 <br><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">and we could see through each other</span></span>
296 <br><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">and i understood you</span></span>
297 <br><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">and you understood me</span></span>
298 <br><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">and there were no barriers</span></span>
299 <br><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">there was only understanding</span></span>
300 <br><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">a understanding so perfect and complete</span></span>
301 <br><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">that we faded into each other</span></span>
302 <br><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">and i couldn't tell where you began and i ended</span></span>
303 <br><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">and when we kissed</span></span>
304 <br><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">we were complete</span></span>
305 <br><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">and when i died</span></span>
306 <br><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">we died together</span></span>
307 <br><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">and there was no happiness</span></span>
308 <br><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">and no sadness</span></span>
309 <br><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">there was no emotion</span></span>
310 </span>
311 </span>
312 <br><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">there was just us</span></span>
313 </span>
314 </span>
315 <br><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">so perfectly complete</span></span>
316 </span>
317 </span>
318 <br><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">like jigsaw pieces</span></span>
319 </span>
320 </span>
321 <br><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">falling into place</span></span>
322 </span>
323 </span>
324 </p>
325
326 <p><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><u>[15] Tin Men Don't Have Clockwork Hearts</u></span></p>
327
328 <p><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">have you ever lost a part of yourself</span></span>
329 </span>
330 <br><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">so essential</span></span>
331 </span>
332 <br><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">that you didn't think you could keep going?</span></span>
333 </span>
334 <br><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">we are twin machines</span></span>
335 </span>
336 <br><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">running in tandem</span></span>
337 </span>
338 <br><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">but twin machines</span></span>
339 </span>
340 <br><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">can't run in tandem</span></span>
341 </span>
342 <br><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">if they're not together</span></span>
343 </span>
344 <br><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">doesn't it terrify you that we could fall apart at any moment?</span></span>
345 </span>
346 <br><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">i've lost a part of myself</span></span>
347 </span>
348 <br><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">we could fall apart at any moment</span></span>
349 </span>
350 <br><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">i am a machine and my body is falling apart</span></span>
351 </span>
352 <br><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">my body is falling apart</span></span>
353 </span>
354 <br><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">i'm not a machine and i'm falling apart</span></span>
355 </span>
356 <br><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">falling apart</span></span>
357 </span>
358 <br><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">no one can put me back together but you</span></span>
359 </span>
360 <br><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">i'm a machine</span></span>
361 </span>
362 <br><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">why am i falling apart</span></span>
363 </span>
364 </p>
365
366 <p><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><u>[16] Music in my Soul</u></span></p>
367
368 <p><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">i wish i could write down</span></span>
369 </span>
370 <br><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">the music i feel</span></span>
371 </span>
372 <br><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">when i write this</span></span>
373 </span>
374 <br><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">because it's there </span></span>
375 </span>
376 <br><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">and it sounds so right</span></span>
377 </span>
378 <br><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">but you can't write down sounds</span></span>
379 </span>
380 </p>
381
382 <p><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><u>[17] True Love Waits</u></span></p>
383
384 <p><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">hello reader</span></span>
385 </span>
386 <br><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">i've been thinking lately</span></span>
387 </span>
388 <br><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">about what i want</span></span>
389 </span>
390 <br><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">and how to put it into words</span></span>
391 </span>
392 <br><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">and i thought that</span></span>
393 </span>
394 <br><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">maybe it was happiness</span></span>
395 </span>
396 <br><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">or maybe it was meaning</span></span>
397 </span>
398 <br><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">or maybe it was to be rich</span></span>
399 </span>
400 <br><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">or maybe it was to be loved</span></span>
401 </span>
402 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>or maybe it was to be fulfilled<br>but beyond all the nightmares<br>and all the melodrama<br>and all the sadness<br>the one thing i've always craved<br>the one thing that would make me feel complete<br>is to connect completely with someone<br>meaningfully, and fully<br>connect with someone in a way where<br>they'll fill in the blank spaces<br>and they'll understand those blank spaces<br>so maybe that's true love<br>or maybe that's selfishness<br>or maybe that's a way of describing<br>an emotion or feeling<br>that doesn't exist in the real world</span></p>
403
404 <p><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><u>[18] Fake</u></span></p>
405
406 <p> <span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">i'm not here</span></span>
407 </span>
408 <br><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">you don't know me</span></span>
409 </span>
410 <br><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">you can look right through me</span></span>
411 </span>
412 <br><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">i'm not real</span></span>
413 </span>
414 <br><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">you don't love me</span></span>
415 </span>
416 <br><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">you could move right through me</span></span>
417 </span>
418 <br><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">this isn't real</span></span>
419 </span>
420 </span>
421 </span>
422 </span>
423 <br><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">this isn't happening</span></span>
424 </span>
425 </span>
426 </span>
427 </span>
428 <br><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">you can talk but the words aren't reaching me</span></span>
429 </span>
430 </span>
431 </span>
432 </span>
433 <br><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">i am a lie that we all tell ourselves</span></span>
434 </span>
435 </span>
436 </span>
437 </span>
438 <br><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">because it's better to pretend</span></span>
439 </span>
440 </span>
441 </span>
442 </span>
443 <br><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">than to accept the truth</span></span>
444 </span>
445 </span>
446 </span>
447 </span>
448 </p>
449
450 <p><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><u>[19] Cruel Joke</u></span></p>
451
452 <p><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>what kind of god was sad enough to make me?</span>
453 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>i can't win</span>
454 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>with spineless nerves</span>
455 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>i have no love for you</span></p>
456
457 <p><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><u>[20] Forest Full of Fake Trees</u></span></p>
458
459 <p><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>she gave a horrible hollow laugh</span>
460 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>and screamed into the night</span>
461 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>and begged for someone to listen</span>
462 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>but trees don't have ears</span>
463 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>and even the echo refused</span></p>
464
465 <p><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><u>[21] Threadbare Corners</u></span></p>
466
467 <p><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>drowning in cheap beer and choking on cigarettes</span>
468 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>reading letters that weren't made to be sent</span>
469 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>and thinking thoughts that weren't meant to be said</span>
470 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>and it was another empty morning spent in bed</span>
471 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>and there's no reason to get up </span>
472 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>except for the love of people that aren't real</span>
473 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>the only solace a tinny piano and moaned words</span></span>
474 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>sometimes i wonder why we listen to sad music</span>
475 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>when we're already sad</span></p>
476
477 <p><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><u>[22] Body Washed Up On Shore</u></span></p>
478
479 <p><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>i could see my foggy ragged breath</span>
480 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>and her bespectacled mouthless face<br>and a black smile and a blacker heart<br>the waves moved in and the waves moved out<br>the crusty sand covered my feet<br>and a grey cloud rested on my shoulders<br>it told me that i didn't like the beach<br>there's no meaning to a memory<br>the context doesn't matter<br>it's a metaphor for a made-up feeling</span></p>
481
482 <p><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><u>[23] Stigmata</u></span></p>
483
484 <p><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>couldn't cry</span></span>
485 <br><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>i want to close my eyes forever</span></span>
486 <br><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>i'm not as strong as you think i am</span></span>
487 <br><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>every single thing about myself is horrible</span></span>
488 <br><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>i don't want to feel pain</span></span>
489 <br><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>i looked in the mirror and saw something horrible</span></span>
490 <br><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>i need to grow up this has gone on too long</span></span>
491 <br><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>prayers to a unanswering god</span></span>
492 <br><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>i can't breathe </span></span>
493 <br><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>i'll never be beautiful </span></span>
494 <br><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>i wish you'd give up on me</span></span>
495 <br><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>i use my feelings as a crutch</span></span>
496 <br><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>i'm no artist</span></span>
497 <br><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>do i like hurting other people</span></span>
498 <br><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>take me somewhere else</span></span>
499 <br><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>i wasn't meant to be</span></span>
500 <br><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>i wish someone could see past my smile</span></span>
501 <br><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>a window to an empty room</span></span>
502 <br><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>what is happy</span></span>
503 <br><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>i'm in love with the character i made for you</span></span>
504 <br><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>i can't sleep</span></span>
505 <br><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>no such thing as an original thought</span></span>
506 <br><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>how could anyone love me</span></span>
507 <br><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>i'll never be able to fly</span></span>
508 <br><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>i am disgusting</span></span>
509 <br><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>sadness is my only identity </span></span>
510 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>i'm going to disappoint you<br></span><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>escape from made up dangers</span></span>
511 <br><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>i only dance when no one is looking</span></span>
512 <br><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>insufferable <span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>insufferable insufferable </span></span>
513 </span>
514 </span>
515 <br><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>the night air tastes sweet</span></span>
516 <br><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>this is about me</span></span>
517 <br><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>cramped up burning in my heart</span></span>
518 <br><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>she abandoned me because i am an ugly person</span></span>
519 <br><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>twisted ropes around my arms</span></span>
520 <br><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>the biggest danger is me</span></span>
521 <br><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>insufferably adolescent and idiotic</span></span>
522 <br><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>i'm so fucked up</span></span>
523 <br><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>in the arms of someone i can't love</span></span>
524 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>i want the distance between us to disappear<br>no one knows who i really am<br>i knew none of them wanted me<br>i don't deserve anyone's love<br>none of them even like me<br>if they knew they'd leave<br>i'm a piece of shit a piece of shit<br>i have no control<br>i'll never be the person i want to be<br>pig trapped in a cage<br>she died because of me<br>only feel empty<br>can't make it out of bed<br>feet can't make it off the ground<br>she loves someone else<br>in love with people that don't exist<br>trapped in my own head<br>food turns to ash in my mouth<br>i'll fuck it up<br>lead weight in my brain<br>limbs like sandbags<br>sophomoric ideas bad copies<br>he loves someone else</span>
525 <br><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>keep thinking about the lives left behind</span></span>
526 <br><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>i don't deserve the effort</span></span>
527 <br><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>i wanna go back</span></span>
528 <br><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>what's the fucking point</span></span>
529 <br><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>the way you see me is the way i am but not who i am</span></span>
530 <br><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>need a name for what i'm feeling</span></span>
531 <br><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>are we even friends anymore</span></span>
532 <br><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>i hate me more than you</span></span>
533 <br><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>people are the same everywhere i go</span></span>
534 <br><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>fuck, fuck, that's not right</span></span>
535 <br><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>i'm trying</span></span>
536 <br><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>i'm giving up</span></span>
537 <br><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>i try to avoid them</span></span>
538 <br><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>i'm sad because they aren't near</span></span>
539 <br><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>i may be paranoid</span></span>
540 <br><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>but i'm not insane</span></span>
541 <br><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>my entire existence has been an elongated breakdown</span></span>
542 <br><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>death is a slight shift of chemicals in the brain</span></span>
543 </p>
544
545 <p><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><u>[24] Hopeful Hopelesness</u></span></p>
546
547 <p><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>hell is a place </span></span>
548 <br><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>that is all around us </span></span>
549 <br><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>where crusty black withered arms </span></span>
550 <br><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>reach and tear at the sinew and fibers</span></span>
551 <br><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>there's a sticky blackness</span></span>
552 <br><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>creeping down my throat</span></span>
553 <br><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>i am trapped</span></span>
554 <br><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>but how much longer </span></span>
555 <br><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>could it possibly be</span></span>
556 <br><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>until i'm free?</span></span>
557 </p>
558
559 <p><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><u>[25] (secrets, sudden shift)</u></span></p>
560
561 <p><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>when i was 13</span></span>
562 <br><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>i picked up an addiction</span></span>
563 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>to cigarettes and cheap beer<br>but i hated the smell of smoke<br>and thought cigarettes were gross<br>i didn't like the taste of alcohol<br>but she thought it was cool<br>so i did too<br>i think i only do things<br>so other people can notice it <br>i think i've been sleep deprived<br>for the past 6 years <br>running on fumes and caffeine hits<br>i don't think i've been happy for 8...<br>no, maybe 17 years<br>i was born to be like this<br>i want a dad... no, my dad, but i'd never let myself admit that<br>i want mom but i'd never let myself admit that, either<br>i wish frank didn't hate me<br>i wish my sister was still perfect<br>i wish that riley was real<br>i wish i had a perfect soul<br>i wish that i had a way<br>to feel significant<br>without feeling sad<br>but i know i'm convinced<br>that i'm a deep person<br>because i'm sad<br>or maybe i'm sad<br>because it makes me think i'm deep<br>who are these poems really about?<br>can you call a scattered collection<br>of free verse thoughts <br>a poem?<br>is this anything more<br>than a way for me to write<br>what i would never tell you?</span></p>
564
565 <p><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><u>[26] (frayed ends)</u></span></p>
566
567 <p><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>uniform blocks lost in space</span>
568 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>honey sweet huckleberries </span>
569 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>lost connections and </span><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>tenuous binds<br>backtracking to a place with no hope<br>fell into a rut<br>nothing i can do<br>nothing i can do<br>can you help me?<br>we are damaged goods</span></p>
570
571 <p><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><u>[27] (reflections)</u></span></p>
572
573 <p><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>i remember i used to be the loud one</span>
574 <br><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>i haven't felt like being loud for the past 3 years</span>
575 <br><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>i wish everything would be quiet</span>
576 <br><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>it's never really night in new york</span></p>
577
578 <p><u><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">[28] (disassociation)</span></u></p>
579
580 <p><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>how do i go deeper?</span>
581 <br><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>how do i make you see?</span>
582 <br><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>how can i make you read between the lines?</span></span>
583 <br><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>this book is the only reminder</span></span>
584 <br><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>of a person that really exists</span></span>
585 <br><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>written by the person that replaced them</span></span>
586 <br><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>she's not really here</span>
587 <br><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>she's been scattered somewhere</span>
588 <br><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>you can have her</span>
589 <br><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>but it isn't much</span></span>
590 </p>
591
592 <p><u><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">[29] (refraction)</span></u></p>
593
594 <p><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>her love is a selfish love<br>her love if for people both real and unreal<br>her love demands more<br>her love demands attention<br>her love is black and volitale<br>her love is a danger to others<br>her love should not be spread or shared<br>she cannot control her love<br>she fears for others and herself</span></p>
595
596 <p><u><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">[30] (weights)</span></u></p>
597
598 <p><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>it was a good day<br>but still, by the end<br>she drifted downward<br>slowly</span></p>
599
600 <p><u><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">[31] (rain)</span></u>
601 <br>
602 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>it rained yesterday<br>but it was also sunny<br>it made her wonder<br>what was between them<br>she wasn't sure if it was love<br>but it was definitely something</span></p>
603
604 <p><u><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">[32] (stream)</span></u></p>
605
606 <p><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>rivulets of water cascaded<br>down the end of the embankment<br>turning into waterfalls<br>captured in a tiny lens<br>she wondered if it was<br>a metaphor for her own soul</span></p>
607
608 <p><u><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">[33] )GLTICH(</span></u></p>
609
610 <p><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>help me<br>help me<br>help me<br>help me<br>why can't you see<br>why can't you see<br>why can't you see<br>why can't you see<br>HELP ME<br>HELP ME<br>HELP ME<br>HELP ME<br>i'm not okay<br>i'm not okay<br>i'm not okay<br>i'm not okay</span></p>
611
612 <p><u><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">[34] )hidden(</span></u></p>
613
614 <p><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>i'm fine</span>
615 <br><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>i'm fine</span>
616 <br><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>i'm fine</span>
617 <br><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>i'm fine</span>
618 <br><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>how are you today? good</span>
619 <br><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>how are you today? good</span>
620 <br><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>how are you today? good</span>
621 <br><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>how are you today? good</span></span>
622 <br><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>everything's okay</span></span>
623 <br><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>everything's okay</span></span>
624 <br><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>everything's okay</span></span>
625 <br><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>everything's okay</span></span>
626 <br><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>nothing hurts</span></span>
627 <br><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>nothing hurts</span></span>
628 <br>nothing hurts</span>
629 </span>
630 <br><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>nothing hurts</span></span>
631 </p>
632
633 <p><u><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">[35] (poison)</span></u></p>
634
635 <p><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>love is a disgusting thing</span>
636 <br><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>and such a fucking inexplicable thing</span>
637 <br><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>love is something that can't be controlled</span>
638 <br><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>i had so many reason to not love you</span>
639 <br><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>and i told them to myself every night</span>
640 <br><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>you were tall and you were scary</span>
641 <br><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>you smoked cigarettes and i hated the smell</span>
642 <br><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>you were dangerous and you were a bad influence</span>
643 <br><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>i love art and poetry and music</span>
644 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>your idea of a good time was committing crimes<br>but we talked and i realized you understood me<br>in a way that no one else did</span>
645 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>we sat in your room and you showed me a song you liked</span>
646 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>it was about mental illness </span>
647 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>and i think we both realized </span>
648 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>that there were things about each other</span>
649 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>that neither of us could fathom</span>
650 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>and we were each hurting in our own way<br>and the distance between us broke down<br>i was falling in love<br>and you were too<br>there were so many reasons to say no<br>but love broke it all down<br>i'll never understand it </span></p>
651
652 <p><u><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">[36] (a word)</span></u></p>
653
654 <p><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>and she wondered if there</span></span>
655 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>was something to gain from </span></span>
656 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>her self-loating</span></span>
657 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>she wondered </span></span>
658 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>if it made her</span></span>
659 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>a beautiful person</span></span>
660 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>she wondered if someone</span></span>
661 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>would want to fix her</span></span>
662 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>and she wondered</span></span>
663 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>if she'd be the same</span></span>
664 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>without it</span></span>
665 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>and that's why</span></span>
666 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>she would take no steps</span>
667 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>to fix herself</span>
668 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>and that's why</span>
669 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>she hated herself even more</span></p>
670
671 <p><u><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">[37] (your world)</span></u></p>
672
673 <p><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>there are so many things</span></span>
674 </span>
675 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>happening</span></span>
676 </span>
677 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>all the time</span></span>
678 </span>
679 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>a world so vast</span></span>
680 </span>
681 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>she gets lost in between</span></span>
682 </span>
683 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>so easily</span></span>
684 </span>
685 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>she just wants to be</span></span>
686 </span>
687 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>the center of your world</span></span>
688 </span>
689 </p>
690
691 <p><u><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">[38] (heart)</span></u></p>
692
693 <p><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>she doesn't need her heart</span></span>
694 </span>
695 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>even if you don't want it</span></span>
696 </span>
697 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>please, take it</span></span>
698 </span>
699 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>you don't need to say yes</span></span>
700 </span>
701 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>you don't need to love her</span></span>
702 </span>
703 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>just take it</span></span>
704 </span>
705 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>you'll do a better job with it</span></span>
706 </span>
707 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>and she'll love you no matter what</span></span>
708 </span>
709 </p>
710
711 <p><u><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">[39] (why are you so far i want you why can't you be mine)</span></u></p>
712
713 <p><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>it's so easy to forget</span></span>
714 </span>
715 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>that she exists at all</span></span>
716 </span>
717 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>she could fade away</span></span>
718 </span>
719 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>at any moment</span></span>
720 </span>
721 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>would you cry for her</span></span>
722 </span>
723 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>sometimes she wonders</span></span>
724 </span>
725 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>if she matters as much</span></span>
726 </span>
727 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>as you tell her she does</span></span>
728 </span>
729 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>more than anything</span></span>
730 </span>
731 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>she wonders if</span></span>
732 </span>
733 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>someone matters more than her</span></span>
734 </span>
735 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>she wishes that you could hold her</span></span>
736 </span>
737 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>like the old days</span></span>
738 </span>
739 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>and tell her that it's okay</span></span>
740 </span>
741 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>won't someone</span></span>
742 </span>
743 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>tell me</span></span>
744 </span>
745 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>that</span></span>
746 </span>
747 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>it's</span></span>
748 </span>
749 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>okay</span></span>
750 </span>
751 </p>
752
753 <p><u><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">[40] OKAY</span></u></p>
754
755 <p><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>it's fine, i promise. all things must end eventually. we've all got to grow up. <s>the pain is gone.</s> i can save them. i'm the person i need to be. i'll be stronger. i am stronger. i'm not who you want but i'm who you need. i feel free. i feel safe. it's okay. okay.</span></span>
756 </span>
757 </span>
758 </span>
759 </p>
760
761 <p><u><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">[41] reality check</span></u></p>
762
763 <p><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>i killed it for my own personal gain</span></span>
764 </span>
765 </span>
766 </span>
767 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>but was it really ever there?</span></span>
768 </span>
769 </span>
770 </span>
771 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>i want to make eye contact with you </span></span>
772 </span>
773 </span>
774 </span>
775 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>that lingers a little too long</span></span>
776 </span>
777 </span>
778 </span>
779 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>i wish we could talk</span></span>
780 </span>
781 </span>
782 </span>
783 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>about the things that hurt</span></span>
784 </span>
785 </span>
786 </span>
787 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>and i wish that you would</span></span>
788 </span>
789 </span>
790 </span>
791 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>hold me and say it's okay</span></span>
792 </span>
793 </span>
794 </span>
795 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>i want to be normal with you</span></span>
796 </span>
797 </span>
798 </span>
799 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>i want to fuck in the backseat</span></span>
800 </span>
801 </span>
802 </span>
803 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>i want to have a fantasy about your thighs</span></span>
804 </span>
805 </span>
806 </span>
807 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>i want to disgrace you with my thoughts</span></span>
808 </span>
809 </span>
810 </span>
811 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>is that objectification? </span></span>
812 </span>
813 </span>
814 </span>
815 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>is that disgusting?</span></span>
816 </span>
817 </span>
818 </span>
819 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>i wonder what you'd think about it </span></span>
820 </span>
821 </span>
822 </span>
823 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>if i bared it all </span></span>
824 </span>
825 </span>
826 </span>
827 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>i wonder if you're as lost as i am</span></span>
828 </span>
829 </span>
830 </span>
831 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>but who are you really?</span></span>
832 </span>
833 </span>
834 </span>
835 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>i don't think i ever loved you</span></span>
836 </span>
837 </span>
838 </span>
839 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>i don't think i've ever really loved anyone</span></span>
840 </span>
841 </span>
842 </span>
843 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>i don't think this has even been about you</span></span>
844 </span>
845 </span>
846 </span>
847 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>i think it's about me </span></span>
848 </span>
849 </span>
850 </span>
851 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>and the you i want you to be</span></span>
852 </span>
853 </span>
854 </span>
855 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>the you that works out</span></span>
856 </span>
857 </span>
858 </span>
859 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>but what conclusion can i draw from that?</span></span>
860 </span>
861 </span>
862 </span>
863 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>what was the sadness for? </span></span>
864 </span>
865 </span>
866 </span>
867 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>what did my pain bring me? </span></span>
868 </span>
869 </span>
870 </span>
871 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>what enlightenment did i receive?</span></span>
872 </span>
873 </span>
874 </span>
875 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>'play stupid games, win stupid prizes'</span></span>
876 </span>
877 </span>
878 </span>
879 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>he told me a long time ago</span></span>
880 </span>
881 </span>
882 </span>
883 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>but how can i go on if i can </span></span>
884 </span>
885 </span>
886 </span>
887 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>divorce the idea of you from who you are?</span></span>
888 </span>
889 </span>
890 </span>
891 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>i'm so weak without you</span></span>
892 </span>
893 </span>
894 </span>
895 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>it's so pointless without you</span></span>
896 </span>
897 </span>
898 </span>
899 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>writing this for someone that isn't real</span></span>
900 </span>
901 </span>
902 </span>
903 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>why?</span></span>
904 </span>
905 </span>
906 </span>
907 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>what do i feel without the sadness?</span></span>
908 </span>
909 </span>
910 </span>
911 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>what do i feel without you?</span></span>
912 </span>
913 </span>
914 </span>
915 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>what do i seek without you?</span></span>
916 </span>
917 </span>
918 </span>
919 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>how do i work through emotions</span></span>
920 </span>
921 </span>
922 </span>
923 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>without the thought of you?</span></span>
924 </span>
925 </span>
926 </span>
927 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>what the fuck is left?</span></span>
928 </span>
929 </span>
930 </span>
931 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>what can i dream of?</span></span>
932 </span>
933 </span>
934 </span>
935 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>that sunny day where we're both okay</span></span>
936 </span>
937 </span>
938 </span>
939 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>and we're both happy</span></span>
940 </span>
941 </span>
942 </span>
943 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>and we're together</span></span>
944 </span>
945 </span>
946 </span>
947 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>and i can die without fear</span></span>
948 </span>
949 </span>
950 </span>
951 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>has been taken from me </span></span>
952 </span>
953 </span>
954 </span>
955 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>i can't hold onto that fantasy anymore</span></span>
956 </span>
957 </span>
958 </span>
959 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>i've constructed so many lies</span></span>
960 </span>
961 </span>
962 </span>
963 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>convinced myself of my own importance</span></span>
964 </span>
965 </span>
966 </span>
967 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>done so much to feel like i mattered</span></span>
968 </span>
969 </span>
970 </span>
971 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>by feeling like i don't matter</span></span>
972 </span>
973 </span>
974 </span>
975 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>and it's all crumbling down</span></span>
976 </span>
977 </span>
978 </span>
979 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>so when you strip it all way</span></span>
980 </span>
981 </span>
982 </span>
983 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>what's left?</span></span>
984 </span>
985 </span>
986 </span>
987 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>what am i? </span></span>
988 </span>
989 </span>
990 </span>
991 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>what's my identity? </span></span>
992 </span>
993 </span>
994 </span>
995 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>i think i feel okay</span></span>
996 </span>
997 </span>
998 </span>
999 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>but i wish i didn't</span></span>
1000 </span>
1001 </span>
1002 </span>
1003 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>because there's nothing okay about this</span></span>
1004 </span>
1005 </span>
1006 </span>
1007 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>what a joke</span></span>
1008 </span>
1009 </span>
1010 </span>
1011 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>i don't think anyone gets it</span></span>
1012 </span>
1013 </span>
1014 </span>
1015 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>so that said</span></span>
1016 </span>
1017 </span>
1018 </span>
1019 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>who do you think this is about?</span></span>
1020 </span>
1021 </span>
1022 </span>
1023 </p>
1024
1025 <p><u><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">[42] disconnect</span></u></p>
1026
1027 <p><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>been gone for about a year and a half</span></span>
1028 </span>
1029 </span>
1030 </span>
1031 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>or was it two?</span></span>
1032 </span>
1033 </span>
1034 </span>
1035 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>or was it three?</span></span>
1036 </span>
1037 </span>
1038 </span>
1039 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>maybe it's okay to just say it's been a while</span></span>
1040 </span>
1041 </span>
1042 </span>
1043 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>if i was lying i'd say i hadn't been thinking about you</span></span>
1044 </span>
1045 </span>
1046 </span>
1047 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>if i wasn't, well, maybe i'd say i think about you</span></span>
1048 </span>
1049 </span>
1050 </span>
1051 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>sometimes</span></span>
1052 </span>
1053 </span>
1054 </span>
1055 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>but not that often... no, not that often</span></span>
1056 </span>
1057 </span>
1058 </span>
1059 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>except for when i do</span></span>
1060 </span>
1061 </span>
1062 </span>
1063 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>which is a lot</span></span>
1064 </span>
1065 </span>
1066 </span>
1067 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>okay, so it's a lot</span></span>
1068 </span>
1069 </span>
1070 </span>
1071 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>but that's okay, isn't it?</span></span>
1072 </span>
1073 </span>
1074 </span>
1075 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>because at least i've moved on</span></span>
1076 </span>
1077 </span>
1078 </span>
1079 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>well... i pretend i've moved on, at least</span></span>
1080 </span>
1081 </span>
1082 </span>
1083 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>honestly the thing that really tears me up</span></span>
1084 </span>
1085 </span>
1086 </span>
1087 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>isn't that you're gone</span></span>
1088 </span>
1089 </span>
1090 </span>
1091 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>it's that i think a lot that you probably don't think a lot about me</span></span>
1092 </span>
1093 </span>
1094 </span>
1095 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>because you made a real impact on me</span></span>
1096 </span>
1097 </span>
1098 </span>
1099 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>and i was just someone you knew</span></span>
1100 </span>
1101 </span>
1102 </span>
1103 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>every song is starting to sound the same </span></span>
1104 </span>
1105 </span>
1106 </span>
1107 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>sometimes the screen looks a little too blurry</span></span>
1108 </span>
1109 </span>
1110 </span>
1111 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>the truth is i never really know what these things are really about </span></span>
1112 </span>
1113 </span>
1114 </span>
1115 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>i just say shit</span></span>
1116 </span>
1117 </span>
1118 </span>
1119 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>and tie it together in my head later</span></span>
1120 </span>
1121 </span>
1122 </span>
1123 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>that's kind of like my life </span></span>
1124 </span>
1125 </span>
1126 </span>
1127 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>every moment feels so disconnected</span></span>
1128 </span>
1129 </span>
1130 </span>
1131 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>i looked in the mirror this morning </span></span>
1132 </span>
1133 </span>
1134 </span>
1135 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>for like 30 minutes</span></span>
1136 </span>
1137 </span>
1138 </span>
1139 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>and just thought</span></span>
1140 </span>
1141 </span>
1142 </span>
1143 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>'shit, that's me</span></span>
1144 </span>
1145 </span>
1146 </span>
1147 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>what the fuck?'</span></span>
1148 </span>
1149 </span>
1150 </span>
1151 </p>
1152
1153 <p><u><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">[43] where</span></u></p>
1154
1155 <p><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>me again</span></span>
1156 </span>
1157 </span>
1158 </span>
1159 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>guess it's been a while, huh?</span></span>
1160 </span>
1161 </span>
1162 </span>
1163 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>sorry</span></span>
1164 </span>
1165 </span>
1166 </span>
1167 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>well, maybe not sorry</span></span>
1168 </span>
1169 </span>
1170 </span>
1171 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>not like this road ever went</span></span>
1172 </span>
1173 </span>
1174 </span>
1175 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>more than one way</span></span>
1176 </span>
1177 </span>
1178 </span>
1179 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>why won't you speak to me</span></span>
1180 </span>
1181 </span>
1182 </span>
1183 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck </span></span>
1184 </span>
1185 </span>
1186 </span>
1187 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>fuck fuck fuck fuck <span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>fuck fuck fuck fuck <span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>fuck fuck fuck fuck <span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>fuck fuck fuck fuck</span></span>
1188 </span>
1189 </span>
1190 </span>
1191 </span>
1192 </span>
1193 </span>
1194 </span>
1195 </span>
1196 </span>
1197 </span>
1198 </span>
1199 </span>
1200 </span>
1201 </span>
1202 </span>
1203 </span>
1204 </span>
1205 </span>
1206 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>fuck fuck fuck fuck <span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>fuck fuck fuck fuck <span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>fuck fuck fuck fuck <span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>fuck fuck fuck fuck</span></span>
1207 </span>
1208 </span>
1209 </span>
1210 </span>
1211 </span>
1212 </span>
1213 </span>
1214 </span>
1215 </span>
1216 </span>
1217 </span>
1218 </span>
1219 </span>
1220 </span>
1221 </span>
1222 </span>
1223 </span>
1224 </span>
1225 </span>
1226 </span>
1227 </span>
1228 </span>
1229 </span>
1230 </span>
1231 </span>
1232 </span>
1233 </span>
1234 </span>
1235 </span>
1236 </span>
1237 </span>
1238 </span>
1239 </span>
1240 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>fuck fuck fuck fuck <span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>fuck fuck fuck fuck <span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>fuck fyou fuck fuck <span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>fuck fuck fuck fuck</span></span>
1241 </span>
1242 </span>
1243 </span>
1244 </span>
1245 </span>
1246 </span>
1247 </span>
1248 </span>
1249 </span>
1250 </span>
1251 </span>
1252 </span>
1253 </span>
1254 </span>
1255 </span>
1256 </span>
1257 </span>
1258 </span>
1259 </span>
1260 </span>
1261 </span>
1262 </span>
1263 </span>
1264 </span>
1265 </span>
1266 </span>
1267 </span>
1268 </span>
1269 </span>
1270 </span>
1271 </span>
1272 </span>
1273 </span>
1274 </span>
1275 </span>
1276 </span>
1277 </span>
1278 </span>
1279 </span>
1280 </span>
1281 </span>
1282 </span>
1283 </span>
1284 </span>
1285 </span>
1286 </span>
1287 </span>
1288 </span>
1289 </span>
1290 </span>
1291 </span>
1292 </span>
1293 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>how's that for a prayer</span></span>
1294 </span>
1295 </span>
1296 </span>
1297 </span>
1298 </span>
1299 </span>
1300 </span>
1301 </span>
1302 </span>
1303 </span>
1304 </span>
1305 </span>
1306 </span>
1307 </span>
1308 </span>
1309 </span>
1310 </span>
1311 </span>
1312 </span>
1313 </span>
1314 </span>
1315 </span>
1316 </span>
1317 </span>
1318 </span>
1319 </span>
1320 </span>
1321 </span>
1322 </span>
1323 </span>
1324 </span>
1325 </span>
1326 </span>
1327 </span>
1328 </span>
1329 </span>
1330 </span>
1331 </span>
1332 </span>
1333 </span>
1334 </span>
1335 </span>
1336 </span>
1337 </span>
1338 </span>
1339 </span>
1340 </span>
1341 </span>
1342 </span>
1343 </span>
1344 </span>
1345 </span>
1346 </p>
1347
1348 <p><u><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">[44] dull knife</span></u></p>
1349
1350 <p><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>abstractions of real thoughts <br>hacked off with a rusty knife</span>
1351 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>clumsy and messy and unfeeling </span>
1352 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>dull and edgeless and jagged</span>
1353 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>never quite comes out right</span></p>
1354
1355 <p><u><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">[45] fake feelings</span></u></p>
1356
1357 <p><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>i wonder if there's a coping mechanism</span>
1358 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>better than writing shitty poems</span>
1359 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>i wonder who's really coping</span>
1360 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>i wonder where the line is drawn </span></p>
1361
1362 <p><u><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">[46] jessie</span></u></p>
1363
1364 <p><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>thinking about the fucking makes me sick</span>
1365 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>oh god, i need help</span>
1366 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>i really need help</span></p>
1367
1368 <p><u><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">[47] can't</span></u></p>
1369
1370 <p><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>how many people can you love</span>
1371 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>disgusting bitch</span>
1372 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>don't even know what love is</span>
1373 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>not even half of what you could be</span></p>
1374
1375 <p><u><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">[48] don't look at me</span></u></p>
1376
1377 <p><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>this isn't the first time</span>
1378 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>something inside me has </span>
1379 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>quietly died</span>
1380 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>but this is the worst </span></p>
1381
1382 <p><u><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">[49] the hole</span></u></p>
1383
1384 <p><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>inside? it's shit, constantly<br>and even without<br>a little... lost, i guess<br>so maybe the fire has died<br>so maybe the fire has died</span></p>
1385
1386 <p><u><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">[50] some time</span></u></p>
1387
1388 <p><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>sometimes i lay awake<br>sometimes i sit<br>sometimes the sound is there<br>sometimes it's nothing at all</span></p>
1389
1390 <p><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><u>[end] A Question</u></span></p>
1391
1392 <p><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>if you are reading this you have invaded my privacy</span>
1393 <br><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>you, the reader of this book</span>
1394 <br><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>probably did so because you were interested in hearing</span>
1395 <br><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>the unique perspective of the girl who wrote it</span>
1396 <br><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>however, does that give you the right to look at private thoughts?</span>
1397 <br><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>it is my opinion that if someone were to read this diary</span>
1398 <br><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>i would be far too embarrassed by the opinions and thoughts<br>i have presented here<br>to ever feel comfortable in my own skin again<br>are you okay with that?</span></p>
1399</div>
1400
1401<p style="text-align: center;">
1402 <br>
1403</p>
1404
1405<p style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: 24px;"><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>private letters that you definitely shouldn't read</span></span>
1406</p>
1407<div class="fr-spoiler">
1408
1409 <p><u><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">[1] lost loves, broken people</span></u></p>
1410
1411 <p><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>so, i've been thinking a lot. you'd probably be happy to know that a lot of it is about you. you've come back into my life in a way that i'll probably never be able to explain but you still feel really far away from me and that makes me really sad. do you think that you could love two people at once? i'm not sure. i've been spending a lot of time lately convincing myself that i love someone that isn't you, but i know that whatever i feel for him i still love you too. and that's because there has been and will be no one like you. i've finally figured out how to put my feelings for you into the right words.<br><br>you're honest. you're the only person i've ever known that is completely, unabashedly, 100% honest with themselves and everyone else. you say what you think and you do what you want and i've always thought that was so fucking cool, even before i fell in love. you're dangerous too, for me, for yourself, for the people around you... you can be scary and you can be sexy and you can be cute and you can be a hell of a bad influence and most of the time are all of those things.<br><br>and you're also the only person who has really ever seen me. another thing i've been thinking about is how hard it is to really see someone. i don't see marcus or callan, not really. and what i mean by 'see' isn't to physically be able to put your eyes on them, but the ability to really figure out who they are and what they're scared of and what they love and what they would never tell you but most of all what makes them tick. and i think that we're the only ones in this world who have ever really been able to see each other and that's why i can't stop thinking about you, ever.<br><br>but now i am in a military prison and i have super powers and i fight monsters, and you are so far away. so where does that leave us? i wonder a lot about how much you think about me, if these feelings are just one way, if i'm just your ex-girlfriend. you are also my ex-girlfriend but you really aren't because there is a distinct part of me that will never accept that reality. i'm sure you've found someone else to soak up all those shitty feelings, and that makes me happy and also really, really sad.<br><br>and that reminds me. i found someone to soak up all of my shitty feelings, and i feel guilty. i still think about you, but i should be thinking about him. i think about him, but i should still be thinking about you. i've been wondering how much of what i feel for him is my imagination - i feel in love but i know that feeling could very well be me trying to convince myself of a reality that isn't really there because it's a lot more comfortable that way. there's a comfort in having someone to carry those feelings for you. and i'm really glad he's here, but sometimes i feel like i should tell him to fuck off somewhere far, because i know in the back of my mind i can only hurt him.<br><br>i had sex. i think it was an impulse decision. i felt something i didn't want to feel and i wanted to feel something else, and i feel disgusting and guilty and excited. the feeling of pleasure is real enough, but there is something hollow to it, and i wrote this letter because i'm trying to convince myself i've done no wrong. done no wrong to you or to marcus or to anyone else. but i can't convince myself of that, and that only adds to my self-loathing.<br><br>i've done a lot of bad things. i think the worst thing i ever did was to stop trying with you. i convinced myself it was better that we broke up when we move, that long distance would never work, but you were and always will be the most special person i've ever met and that tears me into a million pieces. i remember the first day i got there we facetimed and i started crying and i turned it off and i think that was one of the only times we talked when i didn't come to visit.<br><br>when i came back i knew you were mad. i didn't call or text or anything for the longest time and i knew you needed me and i ignored that. i'm sorry that everyone around you is so shitty, me especially. it was so awkward and so awful to come back and make a guest appearance in your life every couple of months and then disappear again. i always promised i would start calling you again and i don't think you ever worked up the willpower to realize i was lying. so... i'm sorry. really. i think i was scared because seeing you was a reminder of how far away i was and how incomplete i felt without you, so i thought that cutting you out would suppress that feeling and that was a massive, tragic mistake.<br><br>when i heard that your father died i remembered i stayed up crying the whole night. i'd missed the funeral by almost a month. i missed your calls for almost a month. he was such a special and fantastic person and that will eat at me forever. it was like a great, gigantic wake-up call to what an awful and terrible person i had been, but now i still didn't call you because my fear was replaced by the greatest shame i will ever feel and i think that's at lest 70% of the reason i am wholly convince that i am one of the very worst people. you did so much for me. so, so, so much. you taught me how to make friends, you taught me how to be wild, you taught me how to have fun, you taught me a lot of things that my parents wouldn't want me knowing, you taught me about music and laughter and love. and most importantly you showed me reasons that life was worth living, you saved me from such a dark place and i've ruined that. i've insulted you so much. i've abandoned you, gone right back to that place you saved me from. all those nights you stayed up with me, all those times that you put your everything into making sure i was okay. all those times you showed me that you're so much more than a rebellious teenage girl with a massive attitude problem... and i threw it all away so willingly and readily. so i'm sorry. more sorry than i can ever put into words. and i'll always carry a piece of you with me, and you can have a piece of me too.<br><br>love,<br><br>the worst person in the world</span></p>
1412
1413 <p><u><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">[2] days long gone</span></u></p>
1414
1415 <p><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>when i was little i always thought you were my mom. like, little little. because mom was always working, and… you really did everything that moms were supposed to do. like, i remember you made the food, you did the laundry, you cleaned the house, you did the dishes… like, fuck, you were pretty little too and you did fucking <em>everything</em>. and i thought that was super badass. i know you know this, but… i thought you were like, the <em>coolest</em> person. i still do. and it’s funny because you just kept getting cooler. you learned to play the guitar, and you became this super cool rockstar, and... i thought you could do no wrong. i was so supremely confident in you, so sure that you were perfect, so sure that you'd always be there for me.</span>
1416 <br>
1417 <br><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>i remember that in 7th grade brittany montoya said she saw you singing on youtube and you sucked, so i slapped the bitch. 'talk shit, get hit'. i can't remember if it was you or riley that kept saying that. but i remember mom was like, super pissed. super, super, pissed. and i remember she told you to send me to bed without supper because she wasn't home, but... instead i think you took her credit card and got a <em>ridiculously </em>expensive prime rib (because that was my favorite) and cooked the shit out of it and we had an awesome dinner. and she was pretty pissed at that too, i think, but it was super worth it. and maybe it wasn't a good thing for you to give me positive reinforcement for slapping the shit out of brittany, but, like... it was cool. you were always so cool.</span></p>
1418
1419 <p><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">i think the thing that hurts the most is that i thought you were dead. i really did. i tried to pretend you weren't, but... i could only think about you being shot down by some usariln goon. that was the only reason i could think of. the only reason why you'd ghost me... there wasn't even, like, a single fraction of a second where i even considered that you might've turned me in. i really thought we were going to make it to california and live on the beach or some dumb shit like that, because that's what you insisted would happen. that confidence again, huh?</span></span>
1420 </p>
1421
1422 <p><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">no, i changed my mind, actually. the thing that hurts the most is that i can't find it in me to blame you. what you did makes, like... perfect sense. it all makes way too much sense. because i was dangerous and i was scary and i was a whole mess of problems that you shouldn't have to hang on to. there was no way you could've taken care of a rogue sub, no way we could've made it to california, in fact, it's so fucking selfish for me to expect you to uproot your life to take care of me. because that's what you did... or what you said you were going to do. maybe i wish you were honest, or maybe i wish that you never gave me any hope that we could be normal together.</span></span>
1423 </p>
1424
1425 <p><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">no, but i <em>am </em>selfish. i wish you did uproot your life and i wish we made it to california or died trying. and there i am again. the shitty person, the person that expects so much from people. or maybe expects nothing but hopes for too much. it just hurts a lot. i wish you weren't so cool, i wish you weren't so perfect, sometimes i wish everyone around me was shitty just so i could feel better about being shitty too. but you aren't shitty and no one else is, it's just me, and i can't fucking stand that. </span></span>
1426 </p>
1427
1428 <p><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">i made the decision that i wanted to die. that it was really going to happen, but... when it was time all i could think about was everyone around me hurting. about you hurting, about riley hurting, about mom and dad, and... it hurt so much. but i still tried to go through with it. why is that? i already admitted i'm selfish, so that's probably the answer, but there's more to it than that. the future feels so bleak, i feel so empty, i don't know what i'm going to do with my life. i guess now that's been decided for me, but... the truth is i don't really want to die. that's one of the truths i've been running from, i think. i don't want to die, i just want to go away. i wish i never existed in the first place.</span></span>
1429 </p>
1430
1431 <p><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">i've also been avoiding a word. 'depression'. i've always told myself that i'm not depressed, that i'm just... sad. and maybe that's true, i don't know. i don't think i'm depressed. i mean, my problems are so small. but maybe that's just a self-justification... i don't know, does walking around every day feeling empty sound like depression to you? i think it's more... apathy than depression. or maybe i just feel bottomed out emotionally. i don't want to hide behind a label of mental illness to justify what a shitty fucking person i am, y'know?</span></span>
1432 </p>
1433
1434 <p><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">i don't know why i'm talking about this, to be honest. i'm getting off track. i just wanted to tell you that i love you. i love you still, and you'll always be my uber-cool big sister. maybe not my perfect big sister, but i shouldn't expect that. and i'm sorry for the person i am, and i'm sorry that i expected you to be someone you're not. and i wanted to explain what i felt, because i know i hurt you. i know i hurt everyone a lot, but i hurt you the most, i think. you came all the way from california... that's still real, no matter what. and you held me and you told me it would be okay, and i really wanted to believe you. so thanks. most important: i don't blame you for what you did, and... i don't know. i guess i hope that you don't blame yourself, but you probably do.</span></span>
1435 </p>
1436
1437 <p><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">love,</span></span>
1438 </p>
1439
1440 <p><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>your lame little sister</span></p>
1441</div>
1442
1443<p style="text-align: center;">
1444 <br>
1445</p>
1446
1447<p style="text-align: center;"><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-size: 24px;'>old person, old thoughts</span></p>
1448<div class="fr-spoiler">
1449
1450 <p style="text-align: center;"><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>is this where i sit down and tell you exactly what i think?</span></p>
1451 <hr>
1452
1453 <p style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">I</span>
1454 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>is he more important than me?</span>
1455 <br><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>why do i always need to be the first choice?</span>
1456 <br><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">why shouldn’t i be?</span></span>
1457 <br><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">if we’re sisters why do i feel like i barely </span></span>
1458 <br><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">know you</span></span>
1459 </p>
1460 <hr>
1461
1462 <p style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">II</span>
1463 <br><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);">we're not going to make it</span></span>
1464 <br><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);">everything in my life</span></span>
1465 <br><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);">has been doomed to fail</span></span>
1466 <br><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);">guess i'm just doing a really good job</span></span>
1467 <br><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);">with you</span></span>
1468 </p>
1469 <hr>
1470
1471 <p style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">III</span>
1472 <br><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>you told yourself the first time<br>that you'd stop falling in love<br>and you told yourself it again<br>and again </span>
1473 <br><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>you idiot</span></p>
1474 <hr>
1475
1476 <p style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">IV</span>
1477 <br><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);">i'm not going to bother with you anymore</span></span>
1478 <br><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);">no, really, i'm over it</span></span>
1479 <br><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);">or so i keep telling myself</span></span>
1480 <br><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);">so why do i still hate seeing you</span></span>
1481 <br><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);">with her</span></span>
1482 </p>
1483 <hr>
1484
1485 <p style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">V</span>
1486 <br><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);">you scare me even if i don't want to admit it</span></span>
1487 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>you've become a stranger</span>
1488 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>why do i keep messing shit up</span>
1489 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>i said i'd be there</span>
1490 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>and i left</span></p>
1491 <hr>
1492
1493 <p style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">VI</span>
1494 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>your very existence is a sense of entitlement </span>
1495 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>what kind of terrible mistake have i made?</span>
1496 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>i convince myself that</span>
1497 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>i've let go</span>
1498 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>but i can't</span>
1499 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>i can't</span>
1500 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>i can't</span></p>
1501 <hr>
1502
1503 <p>
1504 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'> is he more important than me?</span>
1505 <br><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"> we're not going to make it </span></span>
1506 <br><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"> who are you really?</span></span>
1507 <br><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"> you scare me even if i don't want to admit it</span></span>
1508 <br><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"> you're fake as fuck, but almost everyone is</span></span>
1509 <br><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"> i'm not going to bother with you anymore</span></span>
1510 <br><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"> you've been broken</span></span>
1511 <br><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"> what am i doing</span></span>
1512 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'> you've become a stranger</span>
1513 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'> your very existence is a sense of entitlement </span>
1514 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'> what kind of terrible mistake have i made?</span>
1515 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'> hahahaha</span></p>
1516 <hr>
1517
1518 <p><strong style='font-family: "courier new", courier; font-size: 30px; color: rgb(162, 217, 206); background-color: initial;'>Callan</strong></p>
1519
1520 <p><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>i called her my 'sister'</span>
1521 <br><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>part of me is disgusted</span>
1522 <br><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>part of my is happy</span>
1523 <br><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>but it's mostly disgust</span>
1524 <br><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>i'm so sorry</span>
1525 <br><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>for what i'm going to do</span></p>
1526
1527 <p><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>i'm glad she was there for me</span>
1528 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>but i kind of wish i never knew the truth</span>
1529 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>it's not her fault, though, it's val's</span></p>
1530
1531 <p><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>i think we're pretty tight now<br>one of the few cool people in this shit hole<br>i'm doing it again (whoops)<br>i wonder how much she can hurt me<br>probably more than what would be considered 'healthy'<br><br>maybe callan is the friend i wish i had<br>the one that isn't really here<br>the one i made up in my head<br>maybe she's the closest thing to a bff in this fucked up world<br>so why didn't i try knocking on her door?<br>maybe it's because i can't be bothered anymore<br>maybe because i don't really feel like anything has a point anymore<br>but i don't think that's true<br>i think i'm just a shitty person<br>that isn't able to give back the effort other people put into me<br>so why do they like me<br>why do they like me<br>what do they see in me that i can't see in myself<br>i hope cal is okay<br>but i don't think she is</span></p>
1532
1533 <p><span style="color: rgb(51, 236, 6);"><span style='font-size: 30px; font-family: "courier new", courier;'><strong>Marcus</strong></span></span>
1534 </p>
1535
1536 <p><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>what the fuck is wrong with me</span>
1537 <br><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>everything is so fucking confusing</span>
1538 <br><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>and scary</span>
1539 <br><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>i just want to feel whole</span>
1540 <br><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>but i don't think he can fill in the blank spaces</span></p>
1541
1542 <p><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">below, a block of text has been erased</span></p>
1543
1544 <p><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>i didn't fuck anything up this week<br>good job, i guess<br>but i'm sitting on a fucking bomb<br>that's about to blow us up<br>sorry, marc <br><br>i'm stuck in this weird place where<br>maybe i depend on him<br>or maybe i depend on not depending on him<br>but i need someone to tell me that i'm worth it<br>even though i'm not<br>and i think the knowledge that someone cares enough to try<br>is kind of comforting<br>and kind of disgusting<br>and i think that if he left i'd fall apart<br>and if he stays i'll fall apart too<br>i'm just one step away from a ledge<br>and one word from him will make me jump off or come down<br>and i barely know him<br>isn't that sad?<br>i just don't want him or i to say something dumb<br>like<br>'i love you'<br>because i don't think i'd be able to live with myself if that happened<br>maybe it would be easier to just say no</span></p>
1545
1546 <p><span style="color: rgb(255, 87, 255);"><span style='font-size: 30px; font-family: "courier new", courier;'><strong>Siena</strong></span></span>
1547 </p>
1548
1549 <p><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>whoever you are<br>hope you enjoy the cake</span></p>
1550
1551 <p><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>siena santana<br>told me that she's changing<br>that she can't hold onto who she really is<br>she's my friend<br>and my boyfriend's roomate<br>and she told me a secret and asked for my help<br>but after the battle i could only worry about my fucking self<br>that's all i'm good at, isn't it?<br>being melodramatic and not doing anything for the people around me<br>what a joke<br>she reminds me a lot of the people i grew up with<br>but is also nothing like them<br>she's a mystery, and maybe not one that i should solve</span></p>
1552
1553 <p><span style="color: rgb(255, 247, 154);"><span style='font-size: 30px; font-family: "courier new", courier;'><strong>Hazel</strong></span></span>
1554 </p>
1555
1556 <p><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>didn't see her this week<br>i moved out<br>am i avoiding her?</span></p>
1557
1558 <p><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>my friend<br>my friend who's trying to kill my other friends<br>who thinks she's a weapon<br>who denies that she's a person<br>who i shouldn't trush<br>but i do<br>i want to help her, but i think the fact that i even think i can<br>is just my own fucking ego<br>i can't fix broken people<br>but maybe hazel isn't a broken person?<br>who the fuck am i to write these things about her<br>and everyone else</span></p>
1559
1560 <p><span style="color: rgb(176, 196, 222);"><span style='font-size: 30px; font-family: "courier new", courier;'><strong>Brent</strong></span></span>
1561 </p>
1562
1563 <p><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>i guess he's become my co-conscpirater<br>i still don't think he's a nice person<br>but<br>what can you expect in a place like this</span></p>
1564
1565 <p><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>how crazy he must think you are<br>how right he must be<br>you and him saw a monster eating your dead friends<br>and you laughed<br>hahahahaha<br>what a joke<br>jesus, emma<br>you're the joke<br>where do i even start with how fucked up all of this is?<br>brent doesn't seem like a nice person either<br>but can i blame him for telling me to kill myself</span></p>
1566
1567 <p><span style="color: rgb(0, 169, 157);"><span style='font-size: 30px; font-family: "courier new", courier;'><strong>Ernie</strong></span></span>
1568 </p>
1569
1570 <p><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>i should've known better than to give him a chance</span>
1571 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>does cal like him more than me?</span></p>
1572
1573 <p><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><em>who the fuck are you to act so nice to me</em></span></p>
1574
1575 <p><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>he's an asshole<br>the same kind of asshole that so many other people you know were<br>maybe that you are<br>he gets off on having the upper hand on people<br>thinking he has something up on them<br>relishes the idea of blackmail and drama<br>so why does he seem so nice?<br>you've seen what he is, <br>don't doubt yourself<br>but you went way too fucking far<br>you crazy bitch<br>how long can you use the stigma as an excuse for everything you are?<br>the stigma isn't changing you<br>it is you</span></p>
1576
1577 <p><span style="color: rgb(158, 0, 57);"><span style='font-size: 30px; font-family: "courier new", courier;'><strong>Angel</strong></span></span>
1578 </p>
1579
1580 <p><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>sorry<br>they're killing you and i'm not really doing anything<br>i don't think you deserve that<br>mb</span></p>
1581
1582 <p><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>why<br>why<br>we should've been friends<br>where'd i go wrong<br>where did she<br>she's not a bad person, is she?<br>no, even if she is<br>nothing should've ever gone that far<br>why can't you let things go?<br>why can't you just let people not like you?<br>why do you need a reason?<br>but still<br>it's not all my fault, is it?</span></p>
1583
1584 <p><span style="color: rgb(240, 128, 128);"><span style='font-size: 30px; font-family: "courier new", courier;'><strong>Lily</strong></span></span>
1585 </p>
1586
1587 <p><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>the girl with no memory<br>just a phone and a name<br>at least i have my memories to give me<br>some small degree of comfort<br>i can't imagine what it's like<br>lily seems too nice for this place<br>a quality that a lot here don't have<br>but she also killed all those people at dc<br>so what should i think?<br>maybe all that matters is that i like her<br>can i really judge someone for defending us when i couldn't?<br>maybe i was just shoving the load onto other people<br>forcing them to take the tough choices<br>i'm sorry, i guess </span></p>
1588
1589 <p><span style="color: rgb(0, 255, 187);"><span style='font-size: 30px; font-family: "courier new", courier;'><strong>Lawrence</strong></span></span>
1590 </p>
1591
1592 <p><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>another case<br>of me being<br>a useless and shitty person<br>my roommate and my friend<br>who'd lent an ear when i felt like i was falling apart<br>trapped up in a hospital<br>with no visitors<br>i saw so many others<br>but not him<br>was it because of how fucking weak-willed i am?<br>or because i thought he didn't want my company?<br>there's no excuse</span></p>
1593
1594 <p><span style="color: rgb(102, 45, 145);"><span style='font-size: 30px; font-family: "courier new", courier;'><strong>Kusari</strong></span></span>
1595 </p>
1596
1597 <p><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>she's so abrasive<br>but under all of that<br>i think she's a nice person<br>it was nice, at least, to share a bottle of wine<br>even if i was the only one that could feel the effects<br>she's helped me so many times <br>when we're out on the battlefield<br>she's a lot stronger of a person<br>than i could ever hope to be</span></p>
1598
1599 <p><span style="color: rgb(88, 10, 204);"><span style='font-size: 30px; font-family: "courier new", courier;'><strong>...</strong></span></span>
1600 </p>
1601
1602 <p><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>why<br>why<br>why<br>what the fuck did i do<br>i can't stand her being so close to me all the time<br>i love it so much</span></p>
1603</div>
1604
1605-----------------------
1606
1607<p style="text-align: center;"><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; font-size: 30px; color: rgb(88, 10, 204);'>null</span></p>
1608
1609-----------------------
1610
1611<p style="text-align: center;"><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><span style="font-size: 24px;">a catalog of lost people</span></span>
1612</p>
1613
1614<table style="width: 100%;">
1615 <tbody>
1616 <tr>
1617 <td style="width: 33.3333%; text-align: center; vertical-align: top;"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">Riley Fiera</span><u><br></u><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>Ex-girlfriend. Well, ex on technicality. I don't think we actually ever broke up... I loved her a lot. Maybe I still do. Spitfire, bad influence, someone that I could count on to get me in trouble.</span></td>
1618 <td style="width: 33.3333%; vertical-align: top;">
1619 <div data-empty="true" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">Valentine Halwell</span></div>
1620 <div style="text-align: center;"><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>Bigger sister, more often acted like my guardian since mom was barely home. I've always been entirely convinced that she's the coolest person in existence - well, maybe things have changed, but she's still my cool big sister no matter what.</span></div>
1621 </td>
1622 <td style="width: 33.3333%; vertical-align: top; text-align: center;">
1623 <div data-empty="true" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">Steve Halwell</span></div>
1624 <div><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>My deadbeat dad. I don't really know shit about him - he was never around. I only met him once and it wasn't a good experience. I don't need him.</span></div>
1625 </td>
1626 </tr>
1627 <tr>
1628 <td style="width: 33.3333%; text-align: center; vertical-align: top;"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">Shannon Park</span>
1629 <div><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>Mom. She's my mom, so yeah, I love her and all that. We have a complicated relationship... she makes it kind of hard to love her sometimes, I guess. I know that's a really shitty thing to say, and I never would <em>really </em>say that, but... the feelings there. </span></div>
1630 </td>
1631 <td style="width: 33.3333%; vertical-align: top;">
1632 <div data-empty="true" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">Frank <span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">Park</span></span>
1633 </div>
1634
1635 <p style="text-align: center;"><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>My step-dad. He thought he could replace my real dad... shit, maybe he <em>did </em>replace my real dad. I think a part of me... really wanted that. Really wanted him to be my dad. But he threw that away the day I became a sub.</span></p>
1636 </td>
1637 <td style="width: 33.3333%; vertical-align: top; text-align: center;">
1638 <div data-empty="true" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">Kyle <span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">Park</span></span>
1639 </div><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>Twerpy step-brother. He's a little shit, if I'm being completely honest. His dad has a bit of a blind-spot to how shitty he is. Probably needs a stronger parental figure, but... not my place to talk.</span></span>
1640 </td>
1641 </tr>
1642 <tr>
1643 <td style="width: 33.3333%; vertical-align: top;">
1644 <div data-empty="true" style="text-align: center;"><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier;'>Brittany Montoya</span></div>
1645 <div style="text-align: center;"><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>Resident bratty popular girl of my old high school. Me and Riley's arch-nemesis, I guess. Not really worth mentioning in the grand scheme of things, but it is fun to tell stories about all the times me and Riley made her the target of our ire.<br></span></div>
1646 </td>
1647 <td style="width: 33.3333%; vertical-align: top; text-align: center;">
1648 <div data-empty="true" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">Jessica Simmons</span></div>
1649 <div data-empty="true" style="text-align: center;"><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>Fucking snake. No, I'm not bitter. I would feel a lot better if Riley didn't go straight to hanging out with her all the time after I left... that's really shitty. I shouldn't expect her not to make new friends. Whatever, stereotypical blond cheerleader. Annoying as hell too.</span><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><br></span>
1650 <br>
1651 </div>
1652 </td>
1653 <td style="width: 33.3333%; text-align: center; vertical-align: top;"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">The Tulpas</span>
1654 <br><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>My power. My 'minions', for lack of a better word. Led by Determination, who has taken the form and personality of Riley. Besides her, they all look like... shadow people, I guess, I don't really have a better way to describe them.</span>
1655 <br>
1656 </td>
1657 </tr>
1658 </tbody>
1659</table>
1660
1661<p style="text-align: center;">
1662 <br>
1663</p>
1664
1665<p style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: 24px;">a horrendously outdated vinyl collection </span></p>
1666
1667<p style="text-align: center;"><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'>Oh, did I never tell you that Val and I used to collect vinyls? Yeah, I know, 'who the fuck uses vinyl anymore'. It was fun though!</span></p>
1668
1669<p style="text-align: center;">
1670 <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n5h0qHwNrHk" id=""><img src="https://i.imgur.com/lyjDaCM.jpg" class="fr-fic fr-dii" width="200" height="200"></a>
1671 <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u5CVsCnxyXg" id=""><img src="https://i.imgur.com/frMndzc.jpg" class="fr-fic fr-dii" width="200" height="200"></a>
1672 <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ssVf326Ox9g" id=""></a>
1673 <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nZq_jeYsbTs" id=""><img src="https://i.imgur.com/Z1cF5cw.jpg" class="fr-fic fr-dii" width="200" height="200"></a>
1674 <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=49m5nW7TESc" id=""><img src="https://i.imgur.com/hsSkM4k.jpg" class="fr-fic fr-dii" width="200" height="200"></a>
1675</p>
1676
1677<p style="text-align: center;">
1678 <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9jg4ekLG9Zo" id=""><img src="https://i.imgur.com/i8Boxv6.jpg" class="fr-fic fr-dii" width="200" height="200"></a>
1679 <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sUKd2j8O8oM" id=""><img src="https://i.imgur.com/uVolgJi.jpg" class="fr-fic fr-dii" width="200" height="200"></a>
1680 <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9jg4ekLG9Zo" id=""><img src="https://i.imgur.com/FsujSo8.jpg" class="fr-fic fr-dii" width="200" height="200"></a>
1681 <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_jbXOz7PXEg" id=""><img src="https://i.imgur.com/SV2OHak.jpg" class="fr-fic fr-dii" width="200" height="200"></a>
1682</p>
1683
1684<p style="text-align: center;">
1685 <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q1fFMzu31p8" id=""></a>
1686 <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ejdHdP7J8RQ" id=""><img src="https://i.imgur.com/ZAgcJA0.jpg" class="fr-fic fr-dii" width="200" height="200"></a>
1687 <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aBYGjC_hJ9A" id=""><img src="https://i.imgur.com/7CLPpKU.jpg" class="fr-fic fr-dii" width="200" height="200"></a>
1688 <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nGTNUq6bgWY" id=""><img src="https://i.imgur.com/wZLyf2g.jpg" class="fr-fic fr-dii" width="200" height="200"></a>
1689 <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fZ1Jxef2hiE" id=""><img src="https://i.imgur.com/Yd0KLuI.jpg" class="fr-fic fr-dii" width="200" height="200"></a>
1690</p>
1691
1692<p style="text-align: center;">
1693 <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mtU5O-A0OMI" id=""><img src="https://i.imgur.com/G6NnIdE.jpg" class="fr-fic fr-dii" width="200" height="200"></a>
1694 <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BME88lS6aVY" id=""><img src="https://i.imgur.com/e7OIepg.jpg" class="fr-fic fr-dii" width="200" height="200"></a>
1695 <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iyCBsbt3jhE" id=""><img src="https://i.imgur.com/S0aVv5R.jpg" class="fr-fic fr-dii" width="200" height="200"></a>
1696 <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=59sdwW9FB3c" id=""><img src="https://i.imgur.com/hVTBORo.png" class="fr-fic fr-dii" width="200" height="200"></a>
1697</p>
1698
1699<p style="text-align: center;">
1700 <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BtvJaNeELic" id=""><img src="https://i.imgur.com/ZsDkslO.png" class="fr-fic fr-dii" width="200" height="200"></a>
1701 <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tr3eq9Dme0I" id=""><img src="https://i.imgur.com/kGJY5uH.jpg" class="fr-fic fr-dii" width="200" height="200"></a>
1702 <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DLqOFo3RPtw" id=""><img src="https://i.imgur.com/Lj6TotD.jpg" class="fr-fic fr-dii" width="200" height="200"></a>
1703 <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iJS0p1OhcYY" id=""><img src="https://i.imgur.com/59WoWKG.jpg" class="fr-fic fr-dii" width="200" height="200"></a>
1704</p>
1705
1706<p style="text-align: center;">
1707 <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JMcNzjzw63I" id=""><img src="https://i.imgur.com/SgiMfZs.jpg" class="fr-fic fr-dii" width="200" height="200"></a>
1708 <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=auO9FBkR9_s" id=""><img src="https://i.imgur.com/1gmHaOU.jpg" class="fr-fic fr-dii" width="200" height="200"></a>
1709 <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xwt2_6JgIC0" id=""><img src="https://i.imgur.com/MY09KXP.jpg" class="fr-fic fr-dii" width="200" height="200"></a>
1710 <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=khMb3k-Wwvg" id=""><img src="https://i.imgur.com/WyTMq03.jpg" class="fr-fic fr-dii" width="200" height="200"></a>
1711</p>
1712
1713<p style="text-align: center;">
1714 <br>
1715</p>
1716
1717<p style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">Emma's Playlists</span></p>
1718
1719<p style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><a href="https://open.spotify.com/user/diggerton/playlist/2tupVTdqOlyAc7KT4LKz1E" id="">Can't Stop Thinking About You</a><br><a href="https://open.spotify.com/user/diggerton/playlist/4DOUDBHvcVAZXXxdH7BVzs" id="">Things Keep Changing<br></a><a href="https://open.spotify.com/user/diggerton/playlist/0tHQhAhAABHcoR2Da72AgF" id="">I Need To Know If This Is Going To Get Better</a><br><a href="https://open.spotify.com/user/diggerton/playlist/5GrwqaA7D8P6eIHzm1yWNU" id="">Can't Get Out</a><br><a href="https://open.spotify.com/user/diggerton/playlist/2RacyQ8umhnTuIevu5NwoG" id="">Dancing All Night</a><br></span><a href="https://open.spotify.com/user/diggerton/playlist/1jfj5z09IDCWas58ZEZDLT" id=""><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">Jams For A Broken Heart</span></a></p>
1720
1721---------------------
1722
1723<p><img src="https://orig09.deviantart.net/dd2d/f/2015/011/3/e/birdcage_pixels_by_picandou-d8dixx8.png" class="fr-fic fr-dib" width="529" height="75"></p>
1724
1725<p style="text-align: center;"><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>Session 0/4 (a story that has yet to begin, or the penpal)</span></p>
1726
1727<p><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>Dear Stranger,</span><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"><br><br></span></p>
1728
1729<p><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">I'm Emma Halwell and I'm fourteen years old. There's a line I always give people when I introduce myself to them- "I'm Emma. Or Em. Either way is fine." It's funny how habits form, isn't it? The smallest routines in our daily life can become unbreakable habits- well, I'd be lying if I said that line was habit. The truth is when I was younger I spent a lot of time practicing that particular phrase- my best friend, Riley, told me that nicknames endeared people to you, and I was hard-pressed to disagree. I always called my sister Val, her name's Valentine... I had nicknames for Riley too, but she preferred it when I didn't use them in public. I always thought that was strange, but I guess it was foreshadowing in its own way. I was always good at picking up on things like foreshadowing and metaphor when it came to books and movies, which made my ignorance to the reality of our relationship all the more ironic. 'Dramatic irony', I think, is the proper term. Anyways, the line. I was never good at talking to people when I was young, so I put a lot of thought into the words I used. I practiced and practiced and practiced, introductions, conversations, everything. Riley would help me, so I guess I'm thankful for that. She'd always tease me though, and I can't really fault her for that. Normal people didn't have to practice things like that, but I've <em>always</em> needed to carefully craft the way I conduct myself. I even do that now, to an extent, although it has gotten easier. I don't feel anxiety creeping up when I'm around my friends, and everyone is my friend. I know, it sounds a little ridiculous, but there aren't a lot of people that dislike me. I guess the one thing I'm good at is making friends, and that's a good thing because I put so much work into it! Really, I'm good at making it look effortless, but it's hard too maintain all those relations. After all, it's natural for friends to fight, so it's easy for things to break apart when you're around so many people. I hate that. I hate drama and I hate confronting people. Ya wanna know what I do to keep away from it? I don't let it happen! That's right, it sounds ridiculous, but drama very simply doesn't exist for me. It's easy to dispel it, and even easier to ignore it. Eventually if you ignore it long enough it festers until that person simply doesn't exist in my sphere anymore or it just disappears.</span>
1730 <br>
1731 <br>
1732 </span>
1733</p>
1734
1735<p><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">I know, it doesn't sound like a good solution, but it really is the easiest way.</span>
1736 <br>
1737 <br>
1738 </span>
1739</p>
1740
1741<p><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">Anyways, there's this thing I've been thinking about. Well, it was a word. 'Sonder'. It's not a real word, it was just made up by some random blogger, but I kind of like it. I'll tell you what it means: It's the realization that every random person you pass has a life equal in complexity to your own. They all have problems, aspirations, friends, etc. Interesting, even if it is bullshit, right? Everyone has their own story! And that's cool. That's <em>really</em> cool. But, have you ever wondered if you're the main character of your story? What if you're just an NPC in someone else's personal fanfic? You might even be an important part of that story, but it would kind of suck, wouldn't it? To know that there's not really a point to your life besides to serve someone else's? I used to think that was my status, but I've kind of changed my thinking on the matter.</span>
1742 <br>
1743 <br>
1744 </span>
1745</p>
1746
1747<p><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">I like to go out on walks ever night. Like, late at night. If I had to go to sleep early I would start at six and be back at nine. If I could get away with it I'd go out near midnight and wander for however long I felt like it. There's this big stretch of woods by my step-dad's house that I'd explore for hours and hours. It gives me a chance to think, decompress, usually listen to some music off my phone- it's a good time, I'd recommend walking out at night with some good music if you get the chance. You get to look up at the stars and think about you place in the universe, y'know? It was in those woods where I became convinced that I wasn't just a side character. I'm the main character of <em>my</em> story. I deserve that much, don't I? But here's the thing: Even if I want to believe that I'm the main character my life really isn't that interesting! I hate to say it but I'm more or less a typical high school girl. I'm not really remarkable, I don't have any notable talents or interests, I'm smart enough but not genius-status, I'm not strong, or fast, or have 'special' powers. The most notable thing about me is that I'm pretty and I have a lot of friends. It sounds a little self-defeating, I know, but it's not really that bad! Because there's something I realized: What if I'm the main character and my story just hasn't started yet?</span>
1748 <br>
1749 <br>
1750 </span>
1751</p>
1752
1753<p><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">That makes sense, right? I think it does. When I'm out in those woods I'll make up these tall tales in my head about how <em>my</em> story is going to start- I think I'm pretty good at making up stories. I've always been good at living in my head when I need to. Anyways, for example, in one of them maybe I'll see DC out in the woods, suddenly awoken from his slumber! And bam, just like that, I'm the 'chosen one'! Eleventh Precursor with the raddest powers. I'd get to save everyone and have sick super powers. I know, it's silly, but I like to imagine fantastic things like that happening to me all the time. Maybe it even could happen? Unlikely, I know, but we live in a crazy world. People have asked my why I like to go out so late at night to wander around in the middle of nowhere- I've given them different answers: Escape, for fun, for health, and so forth. But really, I think that's the answer. I go out in hopes that I'm going to find the start of my life, the real start. Not what I've got going now- that's too petty for a main character, isn't it?</span>
1754 <br>
1755 <br>
1756 </span>
1757</p>
1758
1759<p><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">Anyways, I should wrap this one up. I've rambled enough.</span>
1760 <br>
1761 <br>
1762 </span>
1763</p>
1764
1765<p><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;">Thanks for listening,</span></span>
1766</p>
1767
1768<p><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>Emma Halwell</span></p>
1769
1770------------------------
1771
1772<p><img src="https://orig15.deviantart.net/95f4/f/2016/166/0/6/f2u___pixel_collar___other_colours__by_neko_hentai-d9w22ud.png" class="fr-fic fr-dib" width="92" height="56"></p>
1773
1774<p style="text-align: center;"><em><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'>Session 1/4 (negative o, or the sum of two)</span></em>
1775 <br><em><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-size: 10px;'>my story isn't good enough</span></em></p>
1776
1777<p><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"><em><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);">I remember... I remember.... the first time I visited their house. They would always come to see us... or come to see my mom, maybe. I never really cared for them.</span></em>
1778 </span>
1779</p>
1780<hr>
1781
1782<p>She was on the back porch when he found her. She liked the view, at the very least, the forest was one of the cool things about this shitty place. </p>
1783
1784<p><span style="color: rgb(247, 151, 106);">"Sorry about Kyle, Emma."</span> he started, but she cut him off.</p>
1785
1786<p><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);">"It's... uh, it's whatever."</span> she went with something non-committal. </p>
1787
1788<p><span style="color: rgb(247, 151, 106);">"Listen, I know he can be... he means well, alright?"</span> his voice was strained by apology, there was a kind of subtle pain to it. </p>
1789
1790<p><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);">"It's fine... it's fine Frank, really."</span> and it really was. Emma didn't care the least about this, to be perfectly honest. </p>
1791
1792<p>She had endured him for two months. Frank. But not just Frank, Frank and her mom. A strained family history made the whole affair entirely too awkward for Emma. Frank wanted something from her, a relationship, to be the cool step-dad that was almost good enough to be her real dad. Her mom probably thought she needed it too. She could see why they would think she needed a father figure but to be perfectly honest she just... she just did not give a <em>shit.</em> Her dad was gone, but not gone enough for a new one. She didn't really need him - she had her mom, and she had Val, and that was all the family she needed. They got by just fine in their Tribeca apartment. She didn't want to move upstate, out into the middle of nowhere, trapped with a brother and a father she wasn't interested in having. She wanted to stay in the city, wanted to stay with Ri-</p>
1793
1794<p><span style="color: rgb(247, 151, 106);">"Listen, Emma, it's just..."</span> she braced herself as he spoke. She already knew what he was going to say. She recognized his tone of voice, the situation that she was in all too well. <span style="color: rgb(247, 151, 106);">"I... me and your mom really love each other... and... I want you to be comfortable being a part of that relationship too. I'm not trying to... I just want to do what I can. For your mom and for you."</span></p>
1795
1796<p>Honestly, she felt like shit. She could see that he was really trying, really putting in a sincere effort to make some kind of connection, but... well, she was trying too, but not for the same reasons. She was just trying to get along, trying to stay out of the way of her mom having a normal fucking relationship, trying to keep herself from despising the idea of moving away from her friends, her home, a city that she loved, from Riley. She looked down, looked away, for anything but him. <span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);">"Mhm. Yeah, I... thanks." </span></p>
1797
1798<p><span style="color: null;">It was funny how much time she could spend worrying about such a trivial thing with a world that was dying all around her. But it was all so... distant. Precursors, Dreamcatcher, Cat's Cradle, monsters, USARILN, it somehow just didn't factor in. Sure, she'd watched the supermen duke it out with dragons on TV and that was fucking cool. Sure, she read all about Sparrow and all the other Precursors, but... none of it really felt real. That wasn't what life was to her, it was so distant, so far from the he-said-she-said drama, so distant from bumming around town for some shitty party to go to, for friends to lie to, from the search to feel something, and....</span></p>
1799
1800<p>She thought it was kind of funny that the things that define us are sometimes the things we hate the most.</p>
1801
1802<p>Of course, all of that was petty in the grand scheme of things. Her life didn't really matter a bit. And as she was pondering that, she was suddenly taken back to reality when Frank cleared his throat. Obviously she was so lost in her head that she'd missed something. <span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);">"Er, sorry, what was that?"</span> she didn't need to turn around to see his frown.</p>
1803
1804<p><span style="color: rgb(247, 151, 106);">"I'd just like for you two to get along. And so would your mom. But, if... just, if he keeps giving you trouble let me know? I don't want to force you guys to have to hang out." </span>he sounded really sad, she realized. </p>
1805
1806<p>Emma sighed. It was subtle enough that he didn't notice. She still didn't really care, it was something she didn't want to have to worry about. <span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);">"Just... I'll do whatever you guys think is best." </span>she shifted her weight in her seat, a vague discomfort settling over her. She really wanted him to leave right now.</p>
1807
1808<p><span style="color: rgb(247, 151, 106);">"Right. Yeah. I'll get out of your hair now, goodnight."</span></p>
1809
1810<p><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);">"Night."</span></p>
1811<hr>
1812
1813<p><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><em>That car ride... I'd only been alone with him a handful of times, and I didn't particularly care for it.</em></span></p>
1814<hr>
1815
1816<p>Val was so fucking awesome. Emma had been really excited when she'd invited her to a show back in New York. It wasn't a big deal - a bunch of hipsters in a shitty bar in the Lower East Side, but to Emma it was so fucking special. Unfortunately, she was only fourteen, and her mom didn't relish the idea of her going to a bar. Riley, however, begged to differ. Emma would be back in New York and they'd be hanging out again, just like old times. So Emma went anyways, and Val took her. She was only fourteen, sneaking into a bar armed with a fake ID, Val's approval, and Riley's golden tongue. Honestly, it was way easier than it should have been. They just walked right in, but didn't dare work up the gumption to try and order drinks. They wanted to enjoy the show, not get kicked out. Besides, Emma was sure that Val would sneak her drinks when they made it backstage, Emma could always count on her sister.</p>
1817
1818<p>Unfortunately, it seemed, Emma's luck hadn't been as large as she thought. About halfway through the show, to Emma and Riley's confusion, a break was called, a man came out and handed Val a message, and then Val came down to talk to them. </p>
1819
1820<p>As it turned out, Frank was waiting outside to take her home, and five minutes later Emma found herself in the passenger seat of his truck, bereft of Riley. Emma's mom had never exactly approved of their friendship. If she knew the extent of everything she would probably have a heart attack die on the spot, they had both decided. </p>
1821
1822<p>The silence in the car was awkward.</p>
1823
1824<p><span style="color: rgb(247, 151, 106);">"Hey, if it's any consolation, I would've let you stay." </span>He, of course, was the first to break it. </p>
1825
1826<p><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);">"I get it. You're not the bad guy, it's fine."</span> the dejection in her voice was obvious</p>
1827
1828<p><span style="color: rgb(247, 151, 106);">"I'm, uh, sure it was a good show. Val's pretty good."</span></p>
1829
1830<p><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);">"Yeah."</span></p>
1831
1832<p><span style="color: rgb(247, 151, 106);">"Riley was with you, right?"</span></p>
1833
1834<p>Emma paused. </p>
1835
1836<p><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);">"</span><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);">Yeah."</span></p>
1837
1838<p><span style="color: rgb(247, 151, 106);">"I won't tell your mom."</span></p>
1839
1840<p><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);">"Thanks."</span></p>
1841
1842<p>For a second, Emma thought that would be it.</p>
1843
1844<p><span style="color: rgb(247, 151, 106);">"Hey, so... listen... I, uh... you left that letter out."</span></p>
1845
1846<p><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);">"Huh?"</span></p>
1847
1848<p><span style="color: rgb(247, 151, 106);">"The one, uh... well, I didn't read it, I just saw that it was from your dad."</span></p>
1849
1850<p>Emma frowned.</p>
1851
1852<p><span style="color: rgb(247, 151, 106);">"Yeah, I shouldn't have looked... sorry. But, uh... listen, if you want to see him, just... I'd be willing to take you. I know your mom wouldn't and I know Valentine wouldn't. I know that he's done some, uh... some bad things in the past, but I think you deserve to see him. It would be good. Good for both of you."</span></p>
1853
1854<p>Emma responded with a long silence. A very long silence. She'd never really thought about meeting her father, to be completely honest. She'd written him just because she was curious.... she wanted to know who he was, why he wasn't around, but meeting him? The thought made her feel kind of sick. He was the man that was never there for her.</p>
1855
1856<p>She didn't care about that, of course.</p>
1857
1858<p><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);">"I'll... uh, I'll think about it." </span>she said quietly</p>
1859<hr>
1860
1861<p><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'><em>Things... felt different. Maybe Frank wasn't so shitty, or maybe I wasn't so shitty. A couple of months passed, and... I didn't really know if I wanted to meet my dad, but I did.</em></span></p>
1862<hr>
1863
1864<p>It was smoky. Smoky, and sad. The bar was gloomy, dimly lit, and altogether pretty fucking dingy looking. Both Emma and Frank had wondered why her dad wanted to meet her at a bar, of all places. But she came all the same, and she guessed that was what mattered. She saw him before he saw her. A collection of empty glasses were in front of him. He was carrying on a conversation with the bartender, and... he wasn't ugly. She'd always pictured him ugly, but he was far from it. He had perfectly sculpted hair, not a hint of grey, a slight stubble that added to his appearance rather than detract from it, he was reasonably fit, wearing a nice suit, and she was so fucking mad. He looked so normal, but he was a deadbeat dad drinking himself to death before noon.</p>
1865
1866<p>Did self-loathing run in the family?</p>
1867
1868<p>She almost walked away, but he finally noticed her. <span style="color: rgb(247, 151, 106);">"Emma. Emma! Come over here."</span> his voice was gravely, stained by ash, maybe. </p>
1869
1870<p><span style="color: rgb(247, 151, 106);">"Holy shit, Jeff, you know that we can't have kids in here."</span> the man behind the bar protested</p>
1871
1872<p><span style="color: rgb(247, 151, 106);">"I don't give a shit. She's my daughter."</span> there was a roughness to his voice, a force. The words sounded all wrong. </p>
1873
1874<p>The bartender really should have spoke up again, but he didn't. He just gave him a disgruntled look and stalked off to the other end of the bar. She walked up hesitantly, and he patted the stool next to him, signalling for her to sit. She reluctantly obliged.</p>
1875
1876<p><span style="color: rgb(247, 151, 106);">"'My daughter'. Kinda hard to believe, huh? My own flesh and blood, sitting here, and I hardly know you." </span>he paused, thinking, <span style="color: rgb(247, 151, 106);">"I certainly could've done worse. I'm glad you didn't inherent my nose. You're pretty."</span></p>
1877
1878<p><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);">"T-thanks?"</span> she finally forced out, reluctantly.</p>
1879
1880<p><span style="color: rgb(247, 151, 106);">"You, uh, want something to drink? Soda, water? Or, uh...?" </span>he eyed his own drink. Whiskey. That surprised her. She wasn't unfamiliar with it, though.</p>
1881
1882<p><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);">"Uh... no thanks."</span></p>
1883
1884<p>There was an awkward beat.</p>
1885
1886<p><span style="color: rgb(247, 151, 106);">"So, how's Val doing? I haven't seen her... since... since... well, it must've been right around when you were born, huh?"</span> he tapped the bar rhythmically, both of their discomfort obvious to anyone that watched.</p>
1887
1888<p><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);">"Uh... she's... good. She's a musician... uh, pretty good at it too."</span></p>
1889
1890<p>He nodded, seemingly unsurprising.</p>
1891
1892<p><span style="color: rgb(247, 151, 106);">"And your mom?"</span></p>
1893
1894<p><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);">"She's, uh, good."</span> she repeated. </p>
1895
1896<p>He nodded again. </p>
1897
1898<p><span style="color: rgb(247, 151, 106);">"And how are you? Getting good grades in school?"</span></p>
1899
1900<p><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);">"Yeah."</span></p>
1901
1902<p><span style="color: rgb(247, 151, 106);">"Any interests? Career plans?"</span></p>
1903
1904<p><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);">"Uh.... I, uh, like writing, but I'm not very good."</span></p>
1905
1906<p><span style="color: rgb(247, 151, 106);">"Hmmmm. Keep at it. By the by, any boyfriends?"</span></p>
1907
1908<p><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);">"No."</span> it was a lie and also completely true.</p>
1909
1910<p><span style="color: rgb(247, 151, 106);">"Huh. That's fine. Don't need any of that at your age."</span></p>
1911
1912<p>He took a sip from his whiskey, quiet for a long moment. </p>
1913
1914<p><span style="color: rgb(247, 151, 106);">"Hey... did your mom... did she ever tell you why she left me?"</span></p>
1915
1916<p><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);">"No...? She... never really wanted to talk about you." </span>Emma was clearly confused. Why was he bringing this up so suddenly? </p>
1917
1918<p><span style="color: rgb(247, 151, 106);">"Hm. I see, Guess that makes sense. Y'know, I used to really be something. I was a hedge fund manager. Made a lot of money, too. That Tribeca townhouse you live in isn't because of your mom, you know that, right? Sorry, lived in."</span></p>
1919
1920<p><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);">"Uhhh..."</span></p>
1921
1922<p><span style="color: rgb(247, 151, 106);">"Y'know, I lost a lot of money. Bullshit fraud charges and alimony."</span></p>
1923
1924<p><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);">"I'm..."</span></p>
1925
1926<p><span style="color: rgb(247, 151, 106);">"Did your mom say I hit her? Is that why I haven't gotten a call, or a letter, anything?"</span> his cadence slowed, suddenly looking down into his drink. </p>
1927
1928<p>Emma didn't know how to respond.</p>
1929
1930<p><span style="color: rgb(247, 151, 106);">"I'm... I'm sorry. I, uh... I've been having some trouble composing myself lately. Uh, anxiety meds or some shit. I've gotten everything jumbled up."</span> she realized he was crying. She could hear it in his voice.</p>
1931
1932<p><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);">"Why... why are you telling me this?"</span> she was looking at the bar too now, filled with embarrassment and anger and confusion.</p>
1933
1934<p><span style="color: rgb(247, 151, 106);">"Sorry, I'm... I probably seem like a real deadbeat." </span>there was a slight grin on his face, a small chuckle, but neither him nor her found it funny.</p>
1935
1936<p>This was the man that barely ever tried to connect to her, she realized. Not now, not once in her life. What was she doing here? Did he only write her back to take out some frustration? Her mom wouldn't have it and Val wouldn't have it either, so he came to her? She got up from the stool.</p>
1937
1938<p><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);">"I'm... I'm sorry, this was a mistake. I should go."</span></p>
1939
1940<p>He didn't make a move to stop her.</p>
1941
1942<p>Frank turned suddenly as the door swung open, surprise on his face evident, <span style="color: rgb(247, 151, 106);">"That... was quick."</span> he realized that Emma was crying before she did. <span style="color: rgb(247, 151, 106);">"Is everything all right? What happened? He didn't hurt you, did he?" </span>there was concern in his voice. Genuine concern. Why did this guy care about her and not her own fucking dad? </p>
1943
1944<p><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);">"I just.... no.... I just want to go home, okay?" </span>for a moment she lost her words, heading for the car, <span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);">"I... Frank, I... he just... he didn't give a shit."</span></p>
1945
1946<p><span style="color: rgb(247, 151, 106);">"I'm sorry."</span></p>
1947
1948<p><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);">"Why didn't he...."</span></p>
1949
1950<p><span style="color: rgb(247, 151, 106);">"I'm sorry, Emma." </span>he caught up with her, hesitating for a moment and then tentatively placing a gentle hand on her shoulder. </p>
1951
1952<p>Emma, for a moment, hated the touch, but... she needed something to grab onto. Someone to care for her. So she hugged him, and it felt wrong, but also right. </p>
1953
1954<p><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);">"He's not my dad. Not really." </span>the words were like ash in her mouth. She hated this. She didn't want to talk to Frank, but she needed to, <span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);">"I can't... why... Frank..."</span></p>
1955
1956<p><span style="color: null;">She frowned. She felt like vomiting.</span></p>
1957
1958<p><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);">"Dad..."</span></p>
1959<hr>
1960
1961<p><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; color: rgb(138, 61, 255);'><em>I might have liked it. I think I wanted it. Feeling sad, feeling torn up. It makes me feel important, like something in my life is worth seeing. Maybe like the main character in my own movie or a pained artist. I'm so disgusting, aren't I?</em></span></p>
1962
1963-----------------
1964
1965<p style="text-align: center;"><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><em><img src="https://orig12.deviantart.net/1993/f/2015/193/9/6/hands_by_lluksdoul-d912ika.png" class="fr-fic fr-dib" width="252" height="187"> </em></span></p>
1966
1967<p style="text-align: center;"><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><em>Session 2/4 (steel train, or the women deaf to the reason of a six stringed guitar)</em></span>
1968 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><em><span style="font-size: 10px;">white lies, <span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><em>black hearts, </em></span>off-white eyes</span>
1969 </em>
1970 </span>
1971</p>
1972<hr>
1973
1974<p style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'><em><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);">Piece of shit. Worthless, useless, piece of shit. </span></em>
1975 <br>
1976 <br>
1977</p>
1978
1979<p style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'>She rolled around uselessly in bed, the motivation to get up failing her. She always found it hard to describe what it felt like – like there was a deep pit in her stomach, like she was held down by invisible weights, like there was a steady tug on her heart. It wasn’t something that she thought others could understand.
1980 <br>
1981 <br>
1982</p>
1983
1984<p style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'><span style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'>It had been an empty morning. Life was boring, but it got extra boring without school. A distinct lack of ‘friends’ It was hard to keep it up with them this time of year – Val was playing shows, hanging out with people that mattered more. Riley was… Riley was Riley. She’d be with her grandparents or her uncle or some other family member this time of year, but it wasn’t like that really mattered.</span>
1985 <br>
1986 <br>
1987</p>
1988
1989<p style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'><span style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'>After all, Riley was in New York City and she was in the middle of nowhere.</span>
1990 <br>
1991 <br>
1992</p>
1993
1994<p style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'><span style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'>The days ended up blending together into a monotonous blur – she’d get up, take a shower, watch TV, blow off some b-tier friend that she didn’t really care about, try to pick up a book but only read a sentence, think about texting Riley but giving up and delete whatever it was she was writing (Riley probably didn’t care about her, she kept telling herself. Emma’s happiness would hang on every single last word), eat, take a nap, lay in bed for an hour depressed, pl-</span>
1995 <br>
1996 <br>
1997</p>
1998
1999<p style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'>She had to cut off the train of thought before she made herself sad again. Sadder than she already was. It had felt, in a way, unreal. Like she wasn’t <em>really</em> there. Her mom, as usual, wasn’t home – work, or friends, or Frank, it was always something other than her. She was stuck somewhere between telling herself that she wasn’t bitter, and that she had at the very least committed the necessary mental gymnastics to convince herself that she wasn’t bitter and had the self-awareness to realize it.
2000 <br>
2001 <br>
2002</p>
2003
2004<p style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'><span style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'>She had been Facebook stalking Riley too. There was something distinctly pathetic about it. She’d look at all the pictures she wasn’t in, everything that she’d done without her. She hated everyone in those pictures but her. All the people that were using up Riley’s time and weren’t her. A not-so-small part of her yearned that she would be the only person that Riley cared about.</span>
2005 <br>
2006 <br>
2007</p>
2008
2009<p style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'><span style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'>So why couldn’t she reach out and talk to her? That was a rhetorical question, she decided. She knew the answer.</span>
2010 <br>
2011 <br>
2012</p>
2013
2014<p style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'><span style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'>She wished she could care less about it, about everything around her. She wished that everything could be the way she wanted. She wished that she could feel like less of a piece of shit, but the self-loathing somehow inflated her already over-inflated sense of self-importance. It was a funny little dance she did – convincing herself that somehow it all made her matter, that her struggle was unique, that…</span>
2015 <br>
2016 <br>
2017</p>
2018
2019<p style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'><span style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'>Her phone buzzed. She slid her hand into her pocket, flicking it awake. A text from her mom? Probably something about family plans, or a dumb question, or maybe it was a off-handed check up on her well-being so she could feel like less of a shit mother.</span>
2020 <br>
2021 <br>
2022</p>
2023
2024<p style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'><span style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'>It was none of those things.</span>
2025 <br>
2026 <br>
2027</p>
2028
2029<p style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'><em><span style="color: rgb(247, 151, 106);">Coming home. Lunch?</span></em><span style="color: rgb(247, 151, 106);"><br></span>
2030 <br>
2031</p>
2032
2033<p style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'><span style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'>That was actually quite the surprise – it had been a long time since her mom had invited her out to lunch, let alone spend an extended amount of time with her. She wasn’t sure if that mattered to her or not, but still… she liked the idea of food, even if she wasn’t particularly hungry.</span>
2034 <br>
2035 <br>
2036</p>
2037
2038<p style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'><em><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);">Sure</span></em>
2039 <br>
2040 <br>
2041</p>
2042
2043<p style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'><span style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'>There was a kind of sickly-sweet feeling in her stomach as she got dressed. There was something weird about hanging out with her mother – it felt wrong, some kind of unaccounted distance between them. Of course, she was her mother and she loved her, but…</span>
2044 <br>
2045 <br>
2046</p>
2047
2048<p style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'>Well, she couldn’t say that she was a great mother. And the very fact that she thought that disgusted her, because she knew fully that her mother loved her, but <em>fuck</em>. Did she hate her? She honestly couldn’t say.
2049 <br>
2050 <br>
2051</p>
2052
2053<p style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'><span style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'>Emma sighed at herself. She wished that she wasn’t burdened with that feeling and the guilt that came with it. Was she being self-important or ego-deflating? She couldn’t tell again. She couldn’t decipher her own feelings. Then again, she’d thought a lot about the nature of whatever the fuck her problem was. She’d decided that, in the grand scheme of things, she was a small person with pointless emotions that no one or nothing could care about. It was a heavy feeling for a 15-year-old girl to try to sort out. </span>
2054 <br>
2055 <br>
2056</p>
2057
2058<p style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'><span style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'>She heard distantly the turning of the house’s lock, <span style="color: rgb(247, 151, 106);">“Heeeey!”</span> Her mom called out, the distinct tap of her heels on the wood floor heralding her entry.</span>
2059 <br>
2060 <br>
2061</p>
2062
2063<p style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'><span style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);">“Hey.”</span> Emma called half-heartedly from the bathroom, blow-drying her hair <span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);">“Decided where we’re going?”</span></span>
2064 <br>
2065 <br>
2066</p>
2067
2068<p style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'><span style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'>Her mom appeared in the door frame, giving her a glance over, <span style="color: rgb(247, 151, 106);">“I’ve got an idea, yeah… there’s this vegan stand a bit out of town. They’ve got good burgers, I guess?”</span></span><span style="color: rgb(247, 151, 106);"><br></span>
2069 <br>
2070</p>
2071
2072<p style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'><span style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);">“You a vegan now?”</span> Emma asked with a raised eyebrow.</span>
2073 <br>
2074 <br>
2075</p>
2076
2077<p style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'><span style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'><span style="color: rgb(247, 151, 106);">“No. I just thought it would be nice.”</span> she said, shrugging. Her eyes flashed with a realization, <span style="color: rgb(247, 151, 106);">“God Emma, it’s 3, did you just take a shower? How long have you been up?”</span></span>
2078 <br>
2079 <br>
2080</p>
2081
2082<p style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'><span style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'>Emma rolled her eyes, <span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);">“I was doing stuff.”</span></span>
2083 <br>
2084 <br>
2085</p>
2086
2087<p style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'><span style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'><span style="color: rgb(247, 151, 106);">“What, sleeping and watching TV?”</span> she said with an edge of irritation creeping into her voice</span>
2088 <br>
2089 <br>
2090</p>
2091
2092<p style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'><span style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'>Emma sighed awkwardly, looking down. She didn’t have a response to that. </span>
2093 <br>
2094 <br>
2095</p>
2096
2097<p style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'><span style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'>Her mom sighed too. <span style="color: rgb(247, 151, 106);">“Whatever. I’ll just chill out in the living room, tell me when you’re out.”</span></span><span style="color: rgb(247, 151, 106);"><br></span>
2098 <br>
2099</p>
2100
2101<p style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'><span style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);">“Yeah.” </span>Emma agreed tiredly.</span>
2102 <br>
2103 <br>
2104</p>
2105
2106<p style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'><span style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'>So the story went. That was about as pleasant of a conversation as she could ever expect with her mom. She’d spent so much time scrutinizing her nowadays… well, maybe it wasn’t exactly a new development. </span>
2107 <br>
2108 <br>
2109</p>
2110
2111<p style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'><span style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'>It didn’t take much longer for Emma to finish. She headed into the living room, giving her mom half of a smile as she walked in. Her mom gave her a discerning look, standing up and turning off the TV. </span>
2112 <br>
2113 <br>
2114</p>
2115
2116<p style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'><span style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'><span style="color: rgb(247, 151, 106);">“You ready to go?”</span> she asked, an overly enthusiastic tone in her voice.</span>
2117 <br>
2118 <br>
2119</p>
2120
2121<p style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'>Emma actually <em>was</em> eager for their little outing. As long as she could keep her head down and avoid her mom’s scolding, it sounded fun. Well, not necessarily <em>fun </em>per se, but… she’d felt cooped up. She’d been pent up inside a house that seemed too small for the past week, spent too long stewing in her own sadness…
2122 <br>
2123 <br>
2124</p>
2125
2126<p style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'><span style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'>Plus, food was always good. She gave her mom an slight nod, <span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);">“Yeah.”</span> she said, heading towards the door. </span>
2127</p>
2128<hr>
2129
2130<p style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'><span style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'><span style="color: rgb(247, 151, 106);">“So, how’s Riley?”</span> she said it with the thinly veiled tone of disapproval she used whenever she brought up Riley. Emma knew her mom only asked out of courtesy, because it was her obligation to have an interest in her life, in her friends. In reality her girlfriend, but her mom would never know that. Really, her mom couldn’t care less about Riley. She’d always hated her, always thought she was a bad influence. Well, she was right, but…</span>
2131 <br>
2132 <br>
2133</p>
2134
2135<p style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'>But Emma wasn’t spending time with Riley anymore – Emma told her mom that they’d stayed in touch. Why’d she lie? The truth was, Emma didn’t want her mom to have the satisfaction of knowing that they didn’t talk. It felt so <em>wrong</em> and it would make her so fucking <em>happy</em>.
2136 <br>
2137 <br>
2138</p>
2139
2140<p style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'><span style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);">“She’s fine.”</span> Emma replied flatly, glancing out the car window at the passing countryside. </span>
2141 <br>
2142 <br>
2143</p>
2144
2145<p style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'><span style="color: rgb(247, 151, 106);">“<em>Fine</em>…? Is she still a, uh… mechanic, was it? Working with her dad?”</span> there was a marked tone of disgust in her voice as she said the word ‘mechanic’.
2146 <br>
2147 <br>
2148</p>
2149
2150<p style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'><span style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'>It was another thing she didn’t approve of. Unladylike, too tomboyish. The fact that Riley genuinely enjoyed it, of course, never factored in. It wasn’t ‘proper’ for a girl her age and that was what mattered. Emma’s mom knew that Riley would rather drop out and do it full time if she had the choice, which didn’t help. </span>
2151 <br>
2152 <br>
2153</p>
2154
2155<p style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'><span style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);">“Yeah.”</span> Emma affirmed blankly. </span>
2156 <br>
2157 <br>
2158</p>
2159
2160<p style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'><span style="color: rgb(247, 151, 106);">“That’s <em>nice</em>.”</span> Emma’s mom said with a distinct lack of enthusiasm.<span style="color: rgb(247, 151, 106);"> “How’s school?”</span>
2161 <br>
2162 <br>
2163</p>
2164
2165<p style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'><span style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);">“Fine.”</span> she said, her voice filled with apathy.</span>
2166 <br>
2167 <br>
2168</p>
2169
2170<p style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'><span style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'><span style="color: rgb(247, 151, 106);">“Doing anything with your friends this weekend?”</span> there was a crushing hopefulness in her voice.</span>
2171 <br>
2172 <br>
2173</p>
2174
2175<p style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'><span style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);">“Nah.</span>” which was met with more apathy.</span>
2176 <br>
2177 <br>
2178</p>
2179
2180<p><span style="color: rgb(247, 151, 106);">“Me and Frank are going to go to a barbecue at Jake’s. You wanna come?” </span>she had always wished her daughter was more interested in their friends.
2181 <br>
2182 <br>
2183</p>
2184
2185<p style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'><span style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);">“I… don’t think so.”</span> but she wasn’t, her mom’s friends were boring.</span>
2186 <br>
2187 <br>
2188</p>
2189
2190<p style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'><span style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'><span style="color: rgb(247, 151, 106);">“Alright.”</span> and she gave into the apathy, an unwillingness to fight it or maybe the knowledge that she couldn’t.</span>
2191 <br>
2192 <br>
2193</p>
2194
2195<p style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'><span style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'>…</span>
2196 <br>
2197 <br>
2198</p>
2199
2200<p style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'><span style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'>And it was finally over. Silence fell over the car, Emma now free to stare blankly at the countryside in peace. At least Lake Pleasant looked nice… not as nice as the city, mind you, but there was a beauty to it she couldn’t deny. New York City wasn’t scenic, but pretty in its own way.</span>
2201 <br>
2202 <br>
2203</p>
2204
2205<p style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'><span style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);">“How far are we?</span>” Emma asked after a beat. She was surprisingly hungry considering she’d already eaten earlier… at least she had the willpower to eat. </span>
2206 <br>
2207 <br>
2208</p>
2209
2210<p style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'><span style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'><span style="color: rgb(247, 151, 106);">“Not too far. I know, it’s a little bit out of town, but it’s supposed to be a pretty good spot. Little stand by a pond,”</span> she paused and considered, <span style="color: rgb(247, 151, 106);">“We can walk around while we eat.”</span></span>
2211 <br>
2212 <br>
2213</p>
2214
2215<p style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'><span style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'>Emma felt a little bit of internal guilt at the dread she felt, <span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);">“Sure.”</span></span>
2216</p>
2217<hr>
2218
2219<p style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'>It was hot. Hot, and there were lots of people, and the burger was two sizes too big for her mouth. Emma struggled to take a bite, lettuce and bits of whatever the patty was made of showering the ground. It tasted… dry.<span style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'> </span>Meat was better, she decided.
2220 <br>
2221 <br>
2222</p>
2223
2224<p style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'><span style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'><span style="color: rgb(247, 151, 106);">“Good burger, huh?” </span>her mom said, pulling off a bit of it and gingerly placing it in her mouth.</span>
2225 <br>
2226 <br>
2227</p>
2228
2229<p style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'><span style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);">“Yeah.”</span> Emma agreed sullenly, taking in the lake as they walked. </span>
2230 <br>
2231 <br>
2232</p>
2233
2234<p style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'><span style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'><span style="color: rgb(247, 151, 106);">“What, don’t like it?”</span> her mom asked, tone slightly disappointed.</span>
2235 <br>
2236 <br>
2237</p>
2238
2239<p style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'><span style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);">“No… no, it’s fine.”</span> Emma lied, struggling to take another bite. </span>
2240 <br>
2241 <br>
2242</p>
2243
2244<p style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'><span style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'>Her mom nodded, frowning slightly. And then they were quiet once again. Maybe her mom had run out of filler conversation, or maybe she just didn’t care that much anymore. Either way Emma couldn’t really blame her. She was never quite sure how to act around her mom… not like herself, certainly. Not that she knew how to act like ‘herself’. She never quite had the energy to fake it with her mom like she did with the others. She didn’t know why, but whenever she talked to her she could only come off as sullen and humorless. Every act, every constructed trait, it all fell apart in front of her. Why was that?</span>
2245 <br>
2246 <br>
2247</p>
2248
2249<p style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'><span style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'><span style="color: rgb(247, 151, 106);">“Everything alright? You seem quiet.”</span> her mom asked cautiously.</span>
2250 <br>
2251 <br>
2252</p>
2253
2254<p style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'>Maybe <em>Emma</em> was the one that didn’t care. Didn’t care who her mom saw her as, didn’t care enough about her mom to be the daughter she wanted. She worried about so many other opinions, so why didn’t mom’s matter?
2255 <br>
2256 <br>
2257</p>
2258
2259<p style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'><em><span style="color: rgb(247, 151, 106);">Why can’t you be more like your sister?</span></em><span style="color: rgb(247, 151, 106);"><br><br></span></p>
2260
2261<p style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'><span style="color: rgb(247, 151, 106);"><em>You’re so depressing! You’re no fun to be around.</em><br><br></span></p>
2262
2263<p style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'><span style="color: rgb(247, 151, 106);"><em>Fine, I don’t want you. You can stay with your grandparents for all I care.</em><br></span></p>
2264
2265<p style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'><span style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'>The tail ends of arguments that were never finished came flooding back to her. Emma wondered a lot if her mother really meant it, or if she was just angry. She also wondered if that even really mattered. It had never been easy to forget those word. Her own mother shoved her down at her lowest... but maybe that was her fault.</span>
2266 <br>
2267 <br>
2268</p>
2269
2270<p style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'><em><span style="color: rgb(247, 151, 106);">You alright?</span></em><span style="color: rgb(247, 151, 106);"><br></span>
2271 <br>
2272</p>
2273
2274<p style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'><em><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);">I’m fine.</span></em><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"><br></span>
2275 <br>
2276</p>
2277
2278<p style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'><em><span style="color: rgb(247, 151, 106);">You sure?</span></em><span style="color: rgb(247, 151, 106);"><br></span>
2279 <br>
2280</p>
2281
2282<p style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'><em><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);">I said I’m fine.</span></em><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"><br></span>
2283 <br>
2284</p>
2285
2286<p style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'><span style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'>Maybe it was her fault for not letting her in. Her own mother… maybe it was her fault for being moody and for being a brat. Maybe it was her fault for never smiling around her, never letting herself have fun. How much of a piece of shit do you have to be to hate your mother that much? She was doing her best. Is doing her best. Emma hated her for always being gone, but wasn’t that for her sake? So they could keep their nice apartment and have whatever they wanted? The alimony checks were a lot, but still… she worked hard to give them a nice life. </span>
2287 <br>
2288 <br>
2289</p>
2290
2291<p style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'><span style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'>But why was she only a visitor in that life?</span>
2292 <br>
2293 <br>
2294</p>
2295
2296<p style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'><span style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'>Emma stared at the half-finished burger. She was a failure as a child whose plans for the future didn’t include much more than dying young. There was something very pathetic about her entire life, and she knew she couldn’t blame her mom for it. But she wanted to. </span>
2297 <br>
2298 <br>
2299</p>
2300
2301<p style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'><span style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'>Anger had very suddenly sparked up in her. She threw her burger in the lake. It was a very silly thing to do, but she didn’t want to keep eating it, and moreover wanted to throw something. But it only took moments for the flash of exhilaration to turn to ash. What would her mom think now?</span>
2302 <br>
2303 <br>
2304</p>
2305
2306<p style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'><span style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'>On cue she turned in surprise, having only barely noticed that Emma was no longer following, <span style="color: rgb(247, 151, 106);">“E-Emma! What are you doing?!”</span> she said, shock painted on her face.</span>
2307 <br>
2308 <br>
2309</p>
2310
2311<p style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'><span style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'>Emma frowned, looking away, <span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);">“Burger sucked.”</span> she decided on. </span>
2312 <br>
2313 <br>
2314</p>
2315
2316<p style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'><span style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'>Her mom’s face was halfway between worry and confusion, <span style="color: rgb(247, 151, 106);">“What’s… what’s gotten into you?”</span></span><span style="color: rgb(247, 151, 106);"><br></span>
2317 <br>
2318</p>
2319
2320<p style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'>Emma forced her eyes to meet with her mom’s. She wasn’t sure what she was going to say until the words came spilling out and she wasn’t able to stop them, <span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);">“I don’t know. I… I’m so sick of keeping quiet about what I think. Have you ever thought that maybe the reason I’m so shitty and quiet and sad all the time is because of <em>you</em>?! Did you <em>completely</em> forget about that time we were coming back from dad’s parent’s house and you just… you said you didn’t want me! That was three <em>fucking</em> years ago and I still can’t stop thinking about. Did you think <em>I</em> forgot? Silent the whole car ride home, and then suddenly we get back and pretend nothing happened! Like… how could you ever think that was just <em>okay</em>? I spent the whole night up with Val crying because I thought you hated me and I was going to have to live with them. Seriously… what’s wrong with you?! How could you say that to your own kid, say it when you knew how depressed I was?! I know you knew! It fucked me up so hard and I’ve just gone this whole time pretending it didn’t because I didn’t want to hurt your feelings… but it’s all bullshit! I wish I was sent to live with them instead of just sitting here thinking you resented me this whole time! Does any of that matter to you?! Have you ever even thought twice about it?!”</span>
2321 <br>
2322 <br>
2323</p>
2324
2325<p style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'>Emma was panting, tears running down an ugly swollen red face. Her mom was crying to. People were trying not to look, she realized. Too loud. That was all too much. What the fuck did she do? She broke her own rule, whatever she had bottled up exploded all at once without the slightest provocation. That was the thing that really scared her… it just <em>happened</em>.
2326 <br>
2327 <br>
2328</p>
2329
2330<p style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'><span style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'>Her mom was dumbfounded, lost for words, a complete wreck but not as much of a wreck as she was. <span style="color: rgb(247, 151, 106);">“Emma…”</span> she started, but couldn’t finish. She just stared at her, completely devastated.</span>
2331 <br>
2332 <br>
2333</p>
2334
2335<p style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);">“What? That’s it? I’m going back to the car.”</span> Emma turned suddenly, leaving her mom behind. She didn’t follow. Emma felt all twisted up inside. What the fuck did she do? She was never going to be able to live that down, would she? She had fucked everything up, what would her mom think of her <em>now</em>?
2336 <br>
2337 <br>
2338</p>
2339
2340<p style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'><span style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'>There was something undeniably cathartic about it. Like a weight had been lifted from her, like something that had been stopped up inside her was suddenly clear. But at what cost would her revelation come? She wanted at that moment, more than anything, to take it back. How could she be so selfish? She knew that what she said… it was going to destroy her mom. If she didn’t hate her before she must’ve now.</span>
2341 <br>
2342 <br>
2343</p>
2344
2345<p style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'><span style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'>Why couldn’t she just keep the peace? She was so shitty. She was still crying by the time she found her mom’s car, leaning against the passenger door wearily. What a total mess. </span>
2346 <br>
2347 <br>
2348</p>
2349
2350<p style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'><span style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'>Maybe half an hour passed before her mom came back. Emma had this habit – whenever she needed to think she’d pretend to write a text to Riley. Just to see how it sounded when she described the situation to someone else. Maybe imagine some piece of advice for herself from Riley’s perspective… she wished that she could actually text her, but at this point that didn’t seem like such a good idea. It’s been so long, Emma couldn’t face that… but she always had this surprising way of mustering the most genuine advice. That was another thing that only Emma would ever be able to appreciate about her. Or at least, she hoped that it was.</span>
2351 <br>
2352 <br>
2353</p>
2354
2355<p style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'><span style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'>Her mom approached cautiously. Both of their faces still red from the tears that had only barely passed. <span style="color: rgb(247, 151, 106);">“I… I never forgot.”</span> she said slowly.</span>
2356 <br>
2357 <br>
2358</p>
2359
2360<p style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'><span style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);">“Yeah. Well. I didn’t either.”</span> Emma gave a curt nod, face caught between resentment and understanding.</span>
2361 <br>
2362 <br>
2363</p>
2364
2365<p style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'><span style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'>Her mom frowned. <span style="color: rgb(247, 151, 106);">“Listen, Emma… I… never meant… I was just angry. I didn’t mean what I said back then… and… you know I love you more than anything.” </span></span>
2366 <br>
2367 <br>
2368</p>
2369
2370<p style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'><span style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);">“Well, that’s a funny way of showing it.”</span> Emma looked down, face turning bitter. Why couldn’t she stop? </span>
2371 <br>
2372 <br>
2373</p>
2374
2375<p style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'><span style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'><span style="color: rgb(247, 151, 106);">“I know. I never… a child should never have to hear that from her mother. That’s my mistake. But… you should know, there’s never been a single day I haven’t thought about all the mistakes I’ve made. With you, with Val… I know I’ve been a pretty crummy mother. But I’m doing my best, y’know? It’s… hard. Really hard. And you say dumb stuff when you’re angry and frustrated… stuff that you don’t really believe, stuff that you wish you could take back. And I really do wish I could take it back.”</span> she was doing her best to keep it together, Emma could tell. She wasn’t doing a great job.</span>
2376 <br>
2377 <br>
2378</p>
2379
2380<p style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'>Emma frowned, at a loss. Could she just forgive her like that? Those words had messed her up for so long. She’d though about it so much, held onto it for so long. She couldn’t just… <em>forget</em> them.
2381 <br>
2382 <br>
2383</p>
2384
2385<p style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'><span style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'>But did she have a choice?</span>
2386 <br>
2387 <br>
2388</p>
2389
2390<p style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'><span style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'>No, she decided. Her mom was another person she’d have to handle. For so long she could only think of her as her mom… but, no, she was another person who had expectations and needs too. Emma was always a people pleaser, wasn’t she? So, she’d do what she always did.</span>
2391 <br>
2392 <br>
2393</p>
2394
2395<p style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'><span style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'>She turned towards her mom, offering a sympathetic smile. <span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);">“I’m… I’m sorry.”</span> she finally said, <span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);">“I know you’re doing your best… I know that you’re trying your hardest to make things work out. And I haven’t really been that great of a kid, so… it’s my fault too.”</span></span>
2396 <br>
2397 <br>
2398</p>
2399
2400<p style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'><span style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'><span style="color: rgb(247, 151, 106);">“No, Emma, it’s not your fault… it’s mine. I should’ve acknowledged it… never should’ve said it. I just hope… I hope that you can forgive me.”</span> she said with a slight attempt at a smile. </span>
2401 <br>
2402 <br>
2403</p>
2404
2405<p style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'><span style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'>Emma nodded, her very best fake smile on her face, <span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);">“Of course I forgive you. You’re my mom, I’ll... I'll always love you.”</span> she rounded the front of the car, pulling in to give her mom a hug. It hurt. It really did, but it was okay to let a little bit of her happiness go for someone else, right? </span>
2406 <br>
2407 <br>
2408</p>
2409
2410<p style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'><span style='font-size:15px;font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;'>Emma knew they all stood atop a mountain of little white lies.</span></p>
2411
2412----------------------------
2413
2414<p style="text-align: center;"><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><em><img src="https://orig11.deviantart.net/27ea/f/2015/336/e/1/e152dcb5a2166539388452e0454f507f-d9irv5i.png" class="fr-fic fr-dib" width="309" height="94">Session 3/4 (the hedgehog, or the lance the pierced my stomach)</em></span>
2415 <br><span style='color: rgb(138, 61, 255); font-family: "courier new", courier;'><em><span style="font-size: 10px;">garbage, infested like dead things, pungent smell hurts my head</span></em>
2416 </span>
2417</p>
2418
2419----------------------------
2420
2421<p><img src="https://orig08.deviantart.net/6efd/f/2016/215/3/2/oie_transparent__3__by_axedog-dachmng.png" class="fr-fic fr-dib" width="480" height="173"></p>
2422
2423<p style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"><em><span style="font-family: courier new,courier;"> Session 4/4 (rock star, or the dreams of prison walls)</span></em>
2424 </span>
2425 <br><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"><em><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; font-size: 10px;'>i will die but all is well in the world</span></em>
2426 </span>
2427</p>
2428
2429<p style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: rgb(138, 61, 255);"><em><span style='font-family: "courier new", courier; font-size: 10px;'>what're you looking for?</span></em>
2430 </span>
2431</p>
2432
2433------------------------
2434
2435<p>Madeline, known better as Madge, perhaps as ‘Old Madge’, or, far more likely, ‘that weird lady that lived up on the hill’, had found the grass to be particularly verdant today. She’d checked ever since she’d forgotten to put out the small fire she’d habitually started nightly (to burn effigies, the neighborhood kids below thought) half a year ago. That fire spread, setting the small field encircling her house ablaze and leaving little in its wake. She was reprimanded by the woefully undertrained and understaffed fire Runswick fire department, but there was no damage to any property other than her own. And although she lost some of her possessions in the blaze, the true loss was the grass.</p>
2436
2437<p>It’d grown back by now but she still worried that it was displeased with her. So, every morning she’d crawl on her hands and knees and examine every blade, muttering adamant words of recompense in hopes that she could right the balance of the karmic scales of her life and bring her soul back in accordance with nature. And she hoped that the grass would like her again.</p>
2438
2439<p>Her morning spiritual began at 4 AM and not a minute before and certainly not a minute after. Her old bones ached with effort as she bent and hunched and crawled, and it was the kind of grass that made her hands itch, and the chill of morning air had become nigh-unbearable since she’d shorn the hair from head. It was slow going, and the task, although tedious, was quite meditative, always setting her in the proper mood for the day to follow.</p>
2440
2441<p>After attending to her grass, she went to her morning stretches. An inventive and rather unlearned combination of yoga and tai chi which she’d branded as a form of meditation of her own creation. In doing so she believed that she grew closer still to the essence of the Earth, acting in accordance the natural flow of the ‘energetic’ spirits around her.</p>
2442
2443<p>She’d been writing a book on the subject, among others, for the past five odd years.</p>
2444
2445<p>She then went, ate a breakfast which consisted of assorted fruits grown in her garden, of which she had exclusively eaten for the past year in an effort to ‘cleanse’ herself and avoid the processed (read: toxic) chemicals had been placed in the garbage at the local market. She drank purified rain and snow water collected over the winter in a similar effort to dodge fluoride and whatever else they put in the drinking water.</p>
2446
2447<p>And she was often tired, lethargic, or felt so by this time. But she counted on her energetic spirits to lift her through the day. So, she got out of her pajamas, dressed herself, and let them guide her. And guide her they did, to the park, to the Summer Festival. There was a confluence of sympathetic energy there for her to drink in, angry and loud and a hazy-ish yellow, but powerful. There was power in the day, in the first moon, in the souls both living and dead that had gathered there to partake in the festivities.</p>
2448
2449<p>She came dressed in a grey turtleneck sweater with a funny stiff collar and straight blue washed out jeans with bottoms that bordered on belled, wearing glasses that she told herself she didn’t need but quite liked. Every day it seemed she found a new wrinkle on her face, her hair had long grayed, she had become old. Madge truly gave vision to the phrase ‘bag of bones’. To others she must have looked quite odd, she was self-aware to know that, constantly pacing and muttering and looking and thinking. But she knew something they didn’t, so she felt no shame. She had it figured out.</p>
2450
2451<p>Of particular interest was the trees. The trees looked quite friendly. She set herself to them, placing a hand on a gnarled trunk and muttering to herself and whoever else passed. The trees had a good sort of feeling, so she took a seat near them cross-legged, eyes set upon the world around her and heart open to it as well.</p>
2452
2453<p>Madge had always been a nice enough women, but everyone that passed knew that she was a goddamn lunatic.</p>