· 6 years ago · Jan 21, 2020, 11:24 PM
1Table of Contents
2
3
4
5• What Is a Lie?
6
7• The Mirror of Honesty
8
9• Two Types of Lies
10
11• White Lies
12
13• Trust
14
15• Faint Praise
16
17• Secrets
18
19• Lies in Extremis
20
21• Mental Accounting
22
23• Integrity
24
25• Big Lies
26
27• Conclusion
28
29• Acknowledgments
30
31• Other Books bv Sam Harris
32
33Lying
34
35
36
37Sam Harris
38
39
40
41Among the many paradoxes of human life, this is perhaps the most peculiar and
42consequential: We often behave in ways that are guaranteed to make us unhappy. Many of
43us spend our lives marching with open eyes toward remorse, regret, guilt, and
44disappointment.And nowhere do our injuries seem more casually self-inflicted, or the
45suffering we create more disproportionate to the needs of the moment, than in the lies we
46tell to other human beings. Lying is the royal road to chaos.
47
48
49
50As an undergraduate at Stanford I took a seminar that profoundly changed my life. It
51was called "The Ethical Analyst," and it was conducted in the form of a Socratic dialogue by
52an extraordinarily gifted professor, Ronald A. Howard.^^ Our discussion focused on a single
53question of practical ethics:
54
55Is ft wrong to lie?
56
57At first glance, this may seem a scant foundation for an entire college course. After all,
58most people already believe that lying is generally wrong — and they also know that some
59situations seem to warrant it.
60
61
62
63What was so fascinating about this seminar, however, was how difficult it was to find
64examples of virtuous lies that could withstand Professor Howard's scrutiny. Even with
65Nazis at the door and Anne Frank in the attic, Howard always seemed to find truths worth
66telling and paths to even greater catastrophe that could be opened by lying.
67
68I do not remember what I thought about lying before I took "The Ethical Analyst," but the
69course accomplished as close to a firmware upgrade of my brain as I have ever
70experienced. I came away convinced that lying, even about the smallest matters,
71needlessly damages personal relationships and public trust.
72
73It would be hard to exaggerate what a relief it was to realize this. It's not that I had been in
74the habit of lying before taking Howard's course — but I now knew that endless forms of
75suffering and embarrassment could be easily avoided by simply telling the truth. And, as
76though for the first time, I saw the consequences of others' failure to live by this principle all
77around me.
78
79This experience remains one of the clearest examples in my own life of the power of
80philosophical reflection. "The Ethical Analyst" affected me in ways that college courses
81seldom do: It made me a better person.
82
83
84
85What Is a Lie?
86
87Deception can take many forms, but not all acts of deception are lies. Even the most
88ethical among us occasionally struggle to keep appearances and reality apart. By wearing
89cosmetics, a woman seeks to seem younger or more beautiful than she otherwise would.
90Honesty does not require that she issue a continual series of disclaimers — "I see that you
91are looking at my face: Please be aware that I do not look this good first thing in the
92morning..." A person in a hurry might pretend not to notice an acquaintance passing by on
93the street. A polite host might not acknowledge that one of her guests has said something
94so stupid as to slow the rotation of the earth. When asked "How are you?" most of us
95reflexively say that we are well, understanding the question to be merely a greeting, rather
96than an invitation to discuss our career disappointments, our marital troubles, or the
97condition of our bowels. Elisions of this kind can be forms of deception, but they are not
98quite lies. We may skirt the truth at such moments, but we do not deliberately manufacture
99falsehood.
100
101The boundary between lying and deception is often vague. In fact, it is even possible to
102deceive with the truth. I could, for instance, stand on the sidewalk in front of the White
103House and call the headquarters of Facebook on my cellphone: "Hello, this is Sam Harris.
104I'm calling from the White House, and I'd like to speak to Mark Zuckerberg." My words
105would, in a narrow sense, be true — but the statement seems calculated to deceive. Would I
106be lying? Close enough.
107
108To lie is to intentionally mislead others when they expect honest communication.^ This
109
110
111
112leaves stage magicians, poker players, and other harmless dissemblers off the hook, while
113illuminating a psychological and social landscape whose general shape is very easy to
114recognize. People lie so that others will form beliefs that are not true. The more
115consequential the beliefs — that is, the more a person's well-being depends upon a correct
116understanding of the world — the more consequential the lie.
117
118As the philosopher Sissela Bok observed, however, we cannot get far on this topic
119without first distinguishing between truth and truthfulness — for a person may be impeccably
120truthful while being mistaken.^ To speak truthfully is to accurately represent one's beliefs.
121But candor offers no assurance that one's beliefs about the world are true. Nor does
122truthfulness require that one speak the whole truth, because communicating every fact on a
123given topic is almost never useful or even possible.
124
125Leaving these ambiguities aside, communicating what one believes to be both true and
126useful is surely different from concealing or distorting those beliefs. The intent to
127communicate honestly is the measure of truthfulness. And most people do not require a
128degree in philosophy to distinguish this attitude from its counterfeits.
129
130People tell lies for many reasons. They lie to avoid embarrassment, to exaggerate their
131accomplishments, and to disguise wrongdoing. They make promises they do not intend to
132keep. They conceal defects in their products or services. They mislead competitors to gain
133advantage. Many of us lie to our friends and family members to spare their feelings.
134
135Whatever our purpose in telling them, lies can be gross or subtle. Some entail elaborate
136ruses or forged documents. Others consist merely of euphemisms or tactical silences. But it
137is in believing one thing while intending to communicate another that every lie is born.
138
139
140
141We have all stood on either side of the divide between what someone believes and
142what he intends others to understand — and the gap generally looks quite different
143depending on whether one is the liar or the dupe. Of course, the liar often imagines that he
144does no harm as long as his lies go undetected. But the one lied to almost never shares
145this view. The moment we consider our dishonesty from the point of view of those we lie to,
146we recognize that we would feel betrayed if the roles were reversed.
147
148A friend of mine, Sita, was once visiting the home of another friend and wanted to take
149her a small gift. Unfortunately, she was traveling with her young son and hadn't found time
150to go shopping. As they were getting ready to leave their hotel, however, Sita noticed that
151the bath products supplied in their room were unusually nice. So she put some soaps,
152shampoos, and body lotions into a bag, tied it with a ribbon she got at the front desk, and
153set off.
154
155When Sita presented this gift, her friend was delighted.
156"Where did you get them?" she asked.
157
158Surprised by the question, and by a lurching sense of impropriety, Sita sought to regain
159
160
161
162her footing with a lie: "Oh, we just bought them in the hotel gift shop."
163
164The next words came from her innocent son: "No, Mommy, you got them in the
165bathroom!"
166
167Imagine the faces of these two women, briefly frozen in embarrassment and then yielding
168to smiles of apology and forgiveness. This may seem the most trivial of lies — and it was —
169but it surely did nothing to increase the level of trust between these two friends. Funny or
170not, the story reveals something distasteful about Sita: She will lie when it suits her needs.
171
172The opportunity to deceive others is ever present and often tempting, and each instance
173casts us onto some of the steepest ethical terrain we ever cross. Few of us are murderers or
174thieves, but we have all been liars. And many of us will be unable to get safely into our
175beds tonight without having told several lies over the course of the day.
176
177What does this say about us and about the life we are making with one another?
178
179
180
181The Mirror of Honesty
182
183At least one study suggests that 10 percent of communication between spouses is
184deceptive.^ Another has found that 38 percent of encounters among college students
185contain lies.^ However, researchers have discovered that even liars rate their deceptive
186interactions as less pleasant than truthful ones. This is not terribly surprising: We know that
187trust is deeply rewarding and that deception and suspicion are two sides of the same coin.
188Research suggests that all forms of lying — including white lies meant to spare the feelings
189of others — are associated with poorer-quality relationships.^
190
191Once one commits to telling the truth, one begins to notice how unusual it is to meet
192someone who shares this commitment. Honest people are a refuge: You know they mean
193what they say; you know they will not say one thing to your face and another behind your
194back; you know they will tell you when they think you have failed — and for this reason their
195praise cannot be mistaken for mere flattery.
196
197Honesty is a gift we can give to others. It is also a source of power and an engine of
198simplicity. Knowing that we will attempt to tell the truth, whatever the circumstances, leaves
199us with little to prepare for. We can simply be ourselves.
200
201In committing to be honest with everyone, we commit to avoiding a wide range of long-
202term problems, but at the cost of occasional, short-term discomfort. However, the discomfort
203should not be exaggerated: You can be honest and kind, because your purpose in telling
204the truth is not to offend people: You simply want them to have the information you have,
205and would want to have if you were in their position.
206
207But it can take practice to feel comfortable with this way of being in the world — to cancel
208
209
210
211plans, decline invitations, critique others' work, etc., all while being honest about what one
212is thinking and feeling. To do this is also to hold a mirror up to one's life — because a
213commitment to telling the truth requires that one pay attention to what the truth is in every
214moment. What sort of person are you? How judgmental, self-interested, or petty have you
215become?
216
217You might discover that some of your friendships are not really that — perhaps you
218habitually lie to avoid making plans, or fail to express your true opinions for fear of conflict.
219Whom, exactly, are you helping by living this way? You might find that certain relationships
220cannot be honestly maintained.
221
222And real problems in your life can be forced to the surface. Are you in an abusive
223relationship? A refusal to lie to others — How did you get that bruise? — might oblige you to
224come to grips with this situation very quickly. Do you have a problem with drugs or alcohol?
225Lying is the lifeblood of addiction. Without recourse to lies, our lives can unravel only so far
226without others' noticing.
227
228Telling the truth can also reveal ways in which we want to grow, but haven't. I remember
229learning that I was to be the class valedictorian at my high school. I declined the honor,
230saying that I felt that someone who had been at the school longer should give the
231graduation speech. But that was a lie. The truth was that I was terrified of public speaking
232and would do almost anything to avoid it. Apparently, I wasn't ready to confront this fact
233about myself — and my willingness to lie at that moment allowed me to avoid doing so for
234many years. Had I been forced to tell my high school principal the truth, he might have
235begun a conversation with me that would have been well worth having.
236
237
238
239Two Types of Lies
240
241Ethical transgressions are generally divided into two categories: the bad things we do
242(acts of commission) and the good things we fail to do (acts of omission). We tend to judge
243the former far more harshly. The origin of this imbalance remains a mystery, but it surely
244relates to the value we place on a person's energy and intent.
245
246Doing something requires energy, and most morally salient actions require conscious
247intent. A failure to c/o something can arise purely by circumstance and requires energy to
248rectify. The difference is important. It is one thing to reach into the till and steal $100; it is
249another to neglect to return $100 that one has received by mistake. We might consider both
250behaviors to be ethically blameworthy — but only the former amounts to a deliberate effort to
251steal. Needless to say, if it would cost a person more than $100 to return $100 he received
252by mistake, few of us would judge him for simply keeping the money
253
254And so it is with lying. To lie about one's age, marital status, career, etc. is one thing; to
255fail to correct false impressions whenever they arise is another. For instance, I am
256occasionally described as a "neurologist," which I am not, rather than as a "neuroscientist,"
257
258
259
260which I am. Neurologists have medical degrees and specialize in treating disorders of the
261brain and nervous system. Neuroscientists have PhDs and perform research. I am not an
262MD, have no clinical experience, and would never dream of claiming to be a neurologist.
263But neither do I view it as my ethical responsibility to correct every instance of confusion
264that might arise on this point. It would simply take too much energy. (A Google search for
265"Sam Harris" and "neurologist" currently returns tens of thousands of results.) If, however, a
266person's belief that I am a neurologist ever seemed likely to cause harm, or to redound to
267my advantage, I would be guilty of a lie of omission, and it would be ethically important for
268me to clear the matter up. And yet few people would view my failure to do so as equivalent
269to my falsely claiming to be a neurologist in the first place.
270
271In discussing the phenomenon of lying, I will focus on lies of commission: lying at its
272clearest and most consequential. However, most of what I say is relevant to lies of omission
273and to deception generally. I will also focus on "white" lies — ^those lies we tell for the
274purpose of sparing others discomfort— for these are the lies that most often tempt us. And
275they tend to be the only lies that good people tell while imagining that they are being good
276in the process.
277
278
279
280White Lies
281
282Have you ever received a truly awful gift? The time it took to tear away the wrapping
283paper should have allowed you to steel yourself — but suddenly there it was:
284
285"Wow..."
286
287"Do you like it?"
288
289"That's amazing. Where did you get it?"
290"Bangkok. Do you like it?"
291"When were you in Bangkok?"
292"Christmas. Do you like it?"
293
294"Yes... Definitely. Where else did you go in Thailand?"
295
296The careful observer will see that I have now broken into a cold sweat. I am not cut out for
297this. Generally speaking, I have learned to be honest even when ambushed. I don't always
298communicate the truth in the way that I want to — but one of the strengths of telling the truth
299is that it remains open for elaboration. If what you say in the heat of the moment isn't quite
300right, you can amend it. I have learned that I would rather be maladroit, or even rude, than
301dishonest.
302
303
304
305What could I have said in the above situation?
306"Wow. . . does one wear it or hang it on the wall?"
307"You wear it. It's very warm. Do you like it?"
308
309"You know, I'm really touched you thought of me. But I don't think I can pull this off. My
310style is somewhere between boring and very boring."
311
312This is getting much closer to the sort of response I'm comfortable with. Some
313euphemism is creeping in, perhaps, but the basic communication is truthful. I have given
314my friend fair warning that she is unlikely to see me wearing her gift the next time we meet. I
315have also given her an opportunity to keep it for herself or perhaps bestow it on another
316friend who might actually like it.
317
318Some readers may now worry that I am recommending a regression to the social
319ineptitude of early childhood. After all, children do not learn to tell white lies until around the
320age of four, after they have achieved a hard-won awareness of the mental states of
321others.^ But there is no reason to believe that the social conventions that happen to
322stabilize in primates like us around the age of eleven will lead to optimal human
323relationships. In fact, there are many reasons to believe that lying is precisely the sort of
324behavior we need to outgrow in order to build a better world.
325
326
327
328But what could be wrong with truly "white" lies? First, they are still lies. And in telling
329them, we incur all the problems of being less than straightforward in our dealings with other
330people. Sincerity, authenticity, integrity, mutual understanding — these and other sources of
331moral wealth are destroyed the moment we deliberately misrepresent our beliefs, whether
332or not our lies are ever discovered.
333
334And while we imagine that we tell certain lies out of compassion for others, it is rarely
335difficult to spot the damage we do in the process. By lying, we deny our friends access to
336reality — and their resulting ignorance often harms them in ways we did not anticipate. Our
337friends may act on our falsehoods, or fail to solve problems that could have been solved
338only on the basis of good information. Rather often, to lie is to infringe upon the freedom of
339those we care about.
340
341A primal instance:
342
343"Do I look fat in this dress?"
344
345Most people insist that the correct answer to this question is always "No." In fact, many
346believe that it's not a question at all: The woman is simply saying, "Tell me I look good." If
347she's your wife or girlfriend, she might even be saying, "Tell me you love me." If you
348sincerely believe that this is the situation you are in — that the text is a distractor and the
349subtext conveys the entire message — then so be it. Responding honestly to the subtext
350would not be lying.
351
352
353
354But this is an edge case for a reason: It crystallizes what is tempting about white lies.
355Why not simply reassure someone with a tiny lie and send her out into the world feeling
356more confident? Unless one commits to telling the truth in situations like this, however, one
357finds that the edges creep inward, and exceptions to the principle of honesty begin to
358multiply. Very soon, you may find yourself behaving as most people do quite effortlessly:
359shading the truth, or even lying outright, without thinking about it. The price is too high.
360
361A friend of mine recently asked me whether I thought he was overweight. In fact, he
362probably was just asking for reassurance: It was the beginning of summer, and we were
363sitting with our wives by the side of his pool. However, I'm more comfortable relying on the
364words that actually come out of a person's mouth, rather than on my powers of telepathy, to
365know what he is asking. So I answered my friend's question very directly:
366
367"No one would ever call you 'fat,' but I think you could probably lose twenty-five pounds."
368That was two months ago, and he is now fifteen pounds lighter. Neither of us knew that he
369was ready to go on a diet until I declined the opportunity to lie about how he looked in a
370bathing suit.
371
372Back to our friend in the dress: What is the truth? Perhaps she does look fat in that dress,
373but it's the fault of the dress. Telling her the truth will allow her to find a more flattering outfit.
374
375But let's imagine the truth is harder to tell: Your friend looks fat in that dress, or any dress,
376because she /sfat. Let's say she is also thirty-five years old and single, and you happen to
377know that her greatest desire at this moment in life is to get married and start a family. You
378believe that many men might be disinclined to date her at her current weight. And, marriage
379aside, you are confident that she would be happier and healthier, and would feel better
380about herself, if she got in shape.
381
382A white lie is simply a denial of these realities. It is a refusal to offer honest guidance in a
383storm. Even on so touchy a subject, lying seems a clear failure of friendship. By reassuring
384your friend about her appearance, you are not helping her to do what you think she should
385do to get what she wants out of life.
386
387There are many circumstances in life in which false encouragement can be very costly to
388another person. Imagine that you have a friend who has spent years striving unsuccessfully
389to build a career as an actor. Many fine actors struggle in this way, of course, but in your
390friend's case the reason seems self-evident: He is a terrible actor. In fact, you happen to
391know that his other friends — and even his parents — share this opinion but cannot bring
392themselves to express it. What do you say the next time he complains about his stalled
393career? Do you encourage him to "just keep at it"? False encouragement is a kind of theft: it
394steals time, energy, and motivation a person could put toward some other purpose.
395
396This is not to say that we are always correct in our judgments of other people. And
397honesty demands that we communicate any uncertainty we may feel about the relevance of
398our own opinions. But if we are convinced that a friend has taken a wrong turn in life, it is no
399sign of friendship to simply smile and wave him onward.
400
401
402
403If the truth itself is painful to tell, there are often background truths that are not — and these
404can be communicated as well, deepening the friendship. In the two examples above, the
405more basic truth is that you love your friends and want them to be happy, and both of them
406could make changes in their lives that might lead to greater fulfillment. In lying to them, you
407are not only declining to help them — you are denying them useful information and setting
408them up for future disappointment. Yet the temptation to lie in these circumstances can be
409overwhelming.
410
411When we presume to lie for the benefit of others, we have decided that we are the best
412judges of how much they should understand about their own lives — about how they appear,
413their reputations, or their prospects in the world. This is an extraordinary stance to adopt
414toward other human beings, and it requires justification. Unless someone is suicidal or
415otherwise on the brink, deciding how much he can know about himself seems the
416quintessence of arrogance. What attitude could be more disrespectful of those we care
417about?
418
419
420
421While preparing to write this book, I asked friends and readers for examples of lies that
422had affected them. Some of their stories appear below. I have changed all names to protect
423the innocent and the guilty alike.
424
425Many people shared stories of family members who deceived one another about medical
426diagnoses. Here is one:
427
428My mother was diagnosed with MS when she was in her iate 30s. Her
429doctor thought it was best to lie and teii her that she didn't have MS. He toid
430my father the truth. My father decided to l<eep the truth to himseif because he
431didn 't want to upset my mother or any of their 3 chiidren.
432
433Meanwhile, my mother went to the library, read up on her symptoms, and
434diagnosed herself with MS. She decided not to teii my father or their chiidren
435because she didn't want to upset anyone.
436
437One year later, when she went to the doctor for her annual checkup, the
438doctor told her she had MS. She confessed that she knew but hadn't told
439anyone. My dad confessed that he knew but hadn't told anyone. So they
440each spent a year with a secret and without each other's support.
441
442My brother found out accidentally about a year later, when my mother had
443breast cancer surgery. The surgeon walked into the room and essentially
444said, "This won't affect the MS. " My brother said, "What MS?" I think it was a
445couple more years before anyone told me or my sister about Mom's
446MS.. ..Rather than feeling grateful and protected, I felt sadness that we hadn't
447come together as a family to face her illness and support each other.
448
449My mother never told her mother about the MS, which meant that none of
450us could tell friends and family, for fear that her mother would find out. She
451
452
453
454didn't want to hurt her mother. I think she deprived herself of the opportunity
455to have a cioser relationship with her mother.
456
457
458
459Such tales of medical deception were once extraordinarily common. In fact, I know of at
460least one instance within my own family: My maternal grandmother died of cancer when my
461mother was sixteen. She had been suffering from metastatic melanoma for nearly a year,
462but her doctor had told her that she had arthritis. Her husband, my grandfather, knew her
463actual diagnosis but decided to maintain this deception as well.
464
465After my grandmother's condition deteriorated, and she was finally hospitalized, she
466confided to a nurse that she knew that she was dying. However, she imagined that she had
467been keeping this a secret from the rest of her family, her husband included. Needless to
468say, my mother and her younger brother were kept entirely in the dark. In their experience,
469their mother checked into the hospital for "arthritis" and never returned.
470
471Think of all the opportunities for deepening love, compassion, forgiveness, and
472understanding that are forsaken by white lies of this kind. When we pretend not to know the
473truth, we must also pretend not to be motivated by it. This can force us to make choices that
474we would not otherwise make. Did my grandfather really have nothing to say to his wife in
475light of the fact that she would soon die? Did she really have nothing to say to her two
476children to help prepare them for their lives without her? These silences are lacerating.
477Wisdom remains unshared, promises unmade, and apologies unoffered. The opportunity to
478say something useful to the people we love soon disappears, never to return.
479
480Who would choose to leave this world in such terrible isolation? Perhaps there are those
481who would. But why should anyone make this choice for another person?
482
483
484
485Trust
486
487Jessica recently overheard her friend Lucy telling a white lie: Lucy had a social
488obligation she wanted to get free of, and Jessica heard her leave a voicemail message for
489another friend, explaining why their meeting would have to be rescheduled. Lucy's excuse
490was entirely fictitious — something involving her child's getting sick — but she lied so
491effortlessly and persuasively that Jessica was left wondering if she had ever been duped by
492Lucy in the past. Now, whenever Lucy cancels a plan, Jessica suspects she might not be
493telling the truth.
494
495These tiny erosions of trust are especially insidious because they are almost never
496remedied. Lucy has no reason to think that Jessica has a grievance with her — because she
497doesn't. She simply does not trust her as much as she used to, having heard her lie without
498compunction to another friend. Of course, if the problem (or the relationship) were deeper,
499perhaps Jessica would say something — but, as it happens, she feels there is no point in
500
501
502
503admonishing Lucy about her ethics. The net result is that a single voicemail message, left
504for a third party, has subtly undermined a friendship.
505
506
507
508We have already seen that children can be dangerous to keep around if one wants to
509lie with impunity. Another example, in case there is any doubt: My friend Daniel recently
510learned from his wife that another couple would be coming to stay in their home for a week.
511Daniel resisted. A week seemed like an eternity — especially given that he was not at all
512fond of the husband. This precipitated a brief argument between Daniel and his wife in the
513presence of their young daughter.
514
515In the end, Daniel gave in, and the couple was soon standing on his doorstep with an
516impressive amount of luggage. Upon entering the home, the unwelcome husband
517expressed his gratitude for being allowed to stay in Daniel's guest room.
518
519"Don't be silly, it's great to see you," Daniel said, his daughter standing at his side. "We
520love having you here."
521
522"But, Dad, you said you didn't want them to stay with us."
523
524"No I didn't."
525
526'Yes you did! Remember?"
527
528"No, no... that was another situation." Daniel found that he could no longer maintain eye
529contact with his guests and thought of nothing better than to lead his daughter away by the
530hand, saying, "Where is your coloring book?" He spent the rest of the week struggling to
531swim free of the resulting riptide of awkwardness.
532
533There is comedy here, of course — but only for others. And what do our children learn
534about us in moments like these? Is this really the example we want to set for them? Failures
535of personal integrity, once revealed, are rarely forgotten. We can apologize, of course. And
536we can resolve to be more forthright in the future. But we cannot erase the bad impression
537we have left in the minds of other people.
538
539A wasteland of embarrassment and social upheaval can be neatly avoided by following a
540single precept in life: Do not lie.
541
542
543
544Faint Praise
545
546There have been moments in my life when I was devoted to a project that was simply
547doomed, in which I had months — in one case, years — invested, and where honest
548feedback could have spared me an immense amount of wasted effort. At other times, I
549
550
551
552received frank criticism just when I needed it and was able to change course quickly,
553knowing that I had avoided a lot of painful and unnecessary work. The difference between
554these two fates is hard to exaggerate. Yes, it can be unpleasant to be told that we have
555wasted time, or that we are not performing as well as we imagined, but if the criticism is
556valid, it is precisely what we most need to hear to find our way in the world.
557
558And yet we are often tempted to encourage others with insincere praise. In this we treat
559them like children — while failing to help them prepare for encounters with those who will
560judge them like adults. I'm not saying that we need to go out of our way to criticize others.
561But when asked for our opinion, we do our friends no favors by pretending not to notice
562flaws in their work, especially when those who are not their friends are bound to notice
563these same flaws. Saving our friends disappointment and embarrassment is a great
564kindness. And if we have a history of being honest, our praise and encouragement will
565actually mean something.
566
567I have a friend who is a very successful writer. Early in his career, he wrote a script that I
568thought was terrible, and I told him so. That was not easy to do, because he had spent the
569better part of a year working on it — but it happened to be the truth. Now, when I tell him that
570I love something he has written, he knows that I love it. He also knows that I respect his
571talent enough to tell him when I don't. I am sure there are people in his life he can't say that
572about. Why would I want to be one of them?
573
574
575
576Secrets
577
578A commitment to honesty does not necessarily require that we disclose facts about
579ourselves that we would prefer to keep private. If someone asks how much money you
580have in your bank account, you are under no ethical obligation to tell him. The truth could
581well be, "I'd rather not say."
582
583So there is no conflict, in principle, between honesty and the keeping of secrets.
584However, it is worth noting that many secrets — especially those we are asked to keep for
585others — can put us in a position where we will be forced to choose between lying and
586revealing privileged information. To agree to keep a secret is to assume a burden. At a
587minimum, one must remember what one is not supposed to talk about. This can be difficult
588and lead to clumsy attempts at deception. Unless your work requires that you keep secrets
589— ^which doctors, lawyers, psychologists, and other professional confidants do routinely — it
590seems worth avoiding.
591
592Stephanie and Gina had been friends for more than a decade when Stephanie began to
593hear rumors that Gina's husband, Derek, was having an affair. Although Stephanie did not
594feel close enough to Gina to raise the matter directly, a little snooping revealed that almost
595everyone in her circle knew about Derek's infidelity — except, it seemed, Gina herself.
596
597
598
599Derek had not been discreet. He was in the film business, and his mistress was an
600
601
602
603aspiring actress. Once, while traveling with Gina and the kids on vacation, he had booked
604this woman a room in the same hotel. He later hired her as a production assistant, and she
605now accompanied him on business trips and even attended events where Gina was
606present.
607
608As Gina's friend, Stephanie wanted to do whatever she could to help her. But what was
609the right thing to do? She was a second-tier friend, and the person who had told her of
610Derek's affair had sworn her to secrecy. She also knew women who were closer to Gina
611than she was — why hadn't one of them said something?
612
613Stephanie saw Gina a few more times — they had been having lunch regularly for years —
614but found that she could no longer enjoy her company. Gina would speak about the
615completion of her new home, or about plans for an upcoming trip, and Stephanie felt that by
616remaining silent she was participating in her friend's ultimate undoing. Simply having a
617normal conversation became an ordeal of acting as if nothing were the matter. Whether
618Gina knew about her husband's behavior and was keeping it a secret, was self-deceived,
619or was merely a victim of his cunning and the collusion of others, Stephanie's pretense
620began to feel indistinguishable from lying. As if by magic, the two friends quickly grew apart
621and have not spoken for years.
622
623I was close enough to this situation to find it sickening. I am related to Stephanie and had
624met Gina and Derek on several occasions. Although I had no independent relationship with
625them, I knew a few people who had direct knowledge of Derek's philandering and were
626quietly severing relationships with him — all while keeping Gina in the dark (or allowing her
627to keep herself there). It was simply uncanny to see someone living under a mountain of
628lies and gossip, surrounded by friends but without a friend in the world who would tell her
629the truth. And this was Derek's final victory: People who could no longer abide him
630because of his unconscionable treatment of his wife nevertheless helped maintain his lies.
631
632
633
634Lies in Extremis
635
636Kant believed that lying was unethical in all cases — even in an attempt to stop the
637murder of an innocent person. Like many of Kant's philosophical views, his position on
638lying was not so much argued for as presumed, like a religious precept. Though it has the
639obvious virtue of clarity — Never tell a lie — in practice, this rule can produce behavior that
640only a psychopath might endorse.
641
642A total prohibition against lying is also ethically incoherent in anyone but a true pacifist. If
643you think that it can ever be appropriate to injure or kill a person in self-defense, or in
644defense of another, it makes no sense to rule out lying in the same circumstances.^
645
646I cannot see any reason to take Kant seriously on this point. However, this does not
647mean that lying is easily justified. Even as a means to ward off violence, lying often closes
648the door to acts of honest communication that may be more effective.
649
650
651
652In those circumstances where we deem it Oibwous/y necessary to lie, we have generally
653determined that the person to be deceived is both dangerous and unreachable by any
654recourse to the truth. In other words, we have judged the prospects of establishing a real
655relationship with this person to be nonexistent. For most of us, such circumstances arise
656very rarely in life, if ever. And even when they seem to, it is often possible to worry that lying
657was the easy (and less than truly ethical) way out.
658
659Let us take an extreme case as a template for others in the genre: A known murderer is
660looking for a boy whom you are now sheltering in your home. The murderer is standing at
661your door and wants to know whether you have seen his intended victim. The temptation to
662lie is perfectly understandable — but merely lying might produce other outcomes you do not
663intend. If you say that you saw the boy climb your fence and continue down the block, the
664murderer may leave, only to kill someone else's child. You might, even in this unhappy
665case, believe that lying was necessary and that you did all you could to protect innocent
666life. But that doesn't mean someone more courageous or capable than you couldn't have
667produced a better result with the truth.
668
669Telling the truth in such a circumstance need not amount to acquiescence. The truth in
670this case could well be, "I wouldn't tell you even if I knew. And if you take another step, I'll
671put a bullet in your brain." But if lying seems the only option, given your fear or physical
672limitations, it clearly shifts the burden of combating evil onto others. Granted, your
673neighbors might be better able to assume this burden than you are. But someone must
674assume it. If nothing else, the police must tell murderers the truth: Their behavior will not be
675tolerated.
676
677In any case, it is far more common to find ourselves in situations in which, though we are
678tempted to lie, honesty will lead us to form connections with people who might othenwise
679have been adversaries. In this vein, I recall an encounter I had with a U.S. Customs officer
680upon returning from my first trip to Asia, nearly twenty-five years ago.
681
682The year was 1987, but it might as well have been the Summer of Love: I was twenty,
683had hair down to my shoulders, and was dressed like an Indian rickshaw driver. For those
684charged with enforcing our nation's drug laws, it would have been only prudent to subject
685my luggage to special scrutiny. Happily, I had nothing to hide.
686
687"Where are you coming from?" the officer asked, glancing skeptically at my backpack.
688
689"India, Nepal, Thailand..." I said.
690
691"Did you take any drugs while you were over there?"
692
693As it happens, I had. The temptation to lie was obvious — ^why speak to a customs officer
694about my recent drug use? But there was no real reason not to tell the truth, apart from the
695risk that it would lead to an even more thorough search of my luggage (and perhaps of my
696person) than had already commenced.
697
698
699
700Yes," I said.
701
702
703
704The officer stopped searching my bag and looked up. "Which drugs did you take?
705
706"I smoked pot a few times... And I tried opium in India."
707
708"Opium?"
709
710"Yes."
711
712"Opium or heroin?
713"It was opium."
714
715'You don't hear much about opium these days."
716"I know. It was the first time I'd ever tried it."
717"Are you carrying any drugs with you now?"
718"No."
719
720The officer eyed me warily for a moment and then returned to searching my bag. Given
721the nature of our conversation, I reconciled myself to being there for a very long time. I was,
722therefore, as patient as a tree. Which was a good thing, because the officer was now
723examining my belongings as though any one item — a toothbrush, a book, a flashlight, a bit
724of nylon cord — might reveal the deepest secrets of the universe.
725
726"What is opium like?" he asked after a time.
727
728And I told him. In fact, over the next ten minutes, I told this lawman almost everything I
729knew about the use of mind-altering substances.
730
731Eventually he completed his search and closed my luggage. One thing was perfectly
732obvious at the end of our encounter: We both felt very good about it.
733
734A more quixotic self stands revealed. I'm not sure that I would have precisely the same
735conversation today. I would not lie, but I probably wouldn't work quite so hard to open such
736a novel channel of communication. Nevertheless, I continue to find that a willingness to be
737honest — especially about truths that one might be expected to conceal — often leads to
738much more gratifying exchanges with other human beings.
739
740Of course, if I had been carrying illegal drugs, my situation would have been very
741different. One of the worst things about breaking the law is that it puts one at odds with an
742indeterminate number of other people. This is among the many corrosive effects of having
743unjust laws: They tempt peaceful and (othenwise) honest people to lie so as to avoid being
744punished for behavior that is ethically blameless.
745
746
747
748Mental Accounting
749
750
751
752One of the greatest problems for the liar is that he must keep track of his lies. Some
753people are better at this than others. Psychopaths can assume this burden of mental
754accounting without any obvious distress. That is no accident: They are psychopaths. They
755do not care about others and are quite happy to sever relationships whenever the need
756arises. Some people are monsters of egocentricity. But there is no question that lying
757comes at a psychological cost for the rest of us.
758
759Lies beget other lies. Unlike statements of fact, which require no further work on our part,
760lies must be continually protected from collisions with reality. When you tell the truth, you
761have nothing to keep track of. The world itself becomes your memory, and if questions
762arise, you can always point others back to it. You can even reconsider certain facts and
763honestly change your views. And you can openly discuss your confusion, conflicts, and
764doubts with all comers. In this way, a commitment to the truth is naturally purifying of error.
765
766But the liar must remember what he said, and to whom, and must take care to maintain
767his falsehoods in the future. This can require an extraordinary amount of work — all of which
768comes at the expense of authentic communication and free attention. The liar must weigh
769each new disclosure, whatever the source, to see whether it might damage the facade that
770he has built. And all these stresses accrue, whether or not anyone discovers that he has
771been lying.
772
773Tell enough lies, however, and the effort required to keep your audience in the dark
774quickly becomes unsustainable. While you might be spared a direct accusation of
775dishonesty, many people will conclude, for reasons that they might be unable to pinpoint,
776that they cannot trust you. You will begin to seem like someone who is always dancing
777around the facts — because you most certainly are. Many of us have known people like this.
778No one ever quite confronts them, but everyone begins to treat them like creatures of fiction.
779Such people are often quietly shunned, for reasons they probably never understand.
780
781In fact, suspicion often grows on both sides of a lie: Research indicates that liars trust
782those they deceive less than they otherwise might — and the more damaging their lies, the
783less they trust, or even like, their victims. It seems that in protecting their egos, and
784interpreting their own behavior as justified, liars tend to deprecate the people they lie \oJ^
785
786
787
788Integrity
789
790What does it mean to have integrity? It means many things, of course, but one criterion
791is to avoid behavior that readily leads to shame or remorse. The ethical terrain here extends
792well beyond the question of honesty — but to truly have integrity, we must not feel the need
793to lie about our personal lives.
794
795
796
797To lie is to erect a boundary between the truth we are living and the perception others
798have of us. The temptation to do this is often born of an understanding that others will
799disapprove of our behavior. Often, there are good reasons why they would.
800
801Pick up any newspaper and look at the problems people create for themselves by lying —
802problems that seem to require more lies to mitigate. It is simply astonishing how people
803destroy their marriages, careers, and reputations by saying one thing and doing another.
804Tiger Woods, John Edwards, Eliot Spitzer, Anthony Wiener — these are men whose names
805now conjure images of the most public self-destruction. Of course, their transgressions
806weren't merely a matter of lying. But deception was what prepared the ground for their
807humiliation. One can get divorced without having to issue a public apology. It is even
808possible to live a frank and utterly unconventional life of sexual promiscuity, or
809exhibitionism, without paying the penalties these men paid. Many lives are almost scandal-
810proof. Vulnerability comes in pretending to be someone you are not.
811
812
813
814Big Lies
815
816Most of us are now painfully aware that our trust in government, corporations, and other
817public institutions has been undermined by lies.
818
819Lying has precipitated or prolonged wars: The Gulf of Tonkin incident in Vietnam and
820false reports of weapons of mass destruction in Iraq were both instances in which lying (at
821some level) led to armed conflict that might otherwise not have occurred. When the truth
822finally emerged, vast numbers of people grew more cynical about U.S. foreign policy — and
823many have come to doubt the legitimacy of any military intervention, whatever the stated
824motive.
825
826Big lies have led many people to reflexively distrust those in positions of authority. As a
827consequence, it is now impossible to say anything of substance on climate change,
828environmental pollution, human nutrition, economic policy, foreign conflicts,
829pharmaceuticals, and dozens of other subjects without a significant percentage of one's
830audience expressing paralyzing doubts about even the most reputable sources of
831information. Our public discourse appears permanently riven by conspiracy theories.
832
833Of course, certain controversies arise because expert opinion has come down on both
834sides of an important issue. Some questions are genuinely unsettled. But confusion
835spreads unnecessarily whenever people in positions of power are caught lying or
836concealing their conflicts of interest.
837
838Consider the widespread fear of childhood vaccinations. In 1998, the physician Andrew
839Wakefield published a study in The LanceNinking the measles, mumps, and rubella (MMR)
840vaccine to autism. This study has since been judged to be an "elaborate fraud," and
841Wakefield's medical license has been revoked.J^
842
843
844
845The consequences of Wakefield's dishonesty would have been bad enough. But the
846legacy effect of other big lies has thus far made it impossible to remedy the damage he has
847caused. Given the fact that corporations and governments sometimes lie, whether to avoid
848legal liability or to avert public panic, it has become very difficult to spread the truth about
849the MMR vaccine. Vaccination rates have plummeted — especially in prosperous, well-
850educated communities — and children have become sick and even died as a result.
851
852An unhappy truth of human psychology is probably also at work here, which makes it
853hard to abolish lies once they have escaped into the world: We seem to be predisposed to
854remember statements as true even after they have been disconfirmed. For instance, if a
855rumor spreads that a famous politician once fainted during a campaign speech, and the
856story is later revealed to be false, some significant percentage of people will recall it as a
857fact — even if they were first exposed to it in the very context of its debunking. In psychology,
858this is known as the "illusory truth effect." Familiarity breeds credence.
859
860
861
862One can imagine circumstances, perhaps in time of war, in which lying to one's
863enemies might be necessary — especially if spreading misinformation was likely to reduce
864the loss of innocent life. Granted, the boundary between these conditions and the cases of
865gratuitous or malignant deception cited above might be difficult to spot — especially if lying
866to one's enemies also entails lying to one's friends. In such circumstances, we might
867recognize a good lie only in retrospect. But war and espionage are conditions in which
868human relationships have broken down or were never established in the first place; thus
869the usual rules of cooperation no longer apply. The moment one begins dropping bombs, or
870destroying a country's infrastructure with cyber attacks, lying has become just another
871weapon in the arsenal.
872
873The need for state secrets is obvious. However, the need for governments to deceive
874their own people seems to me to be exiguous to the point of nonexistence — an ethical
875mirage. Just when you think you've reached it, the facts tend to suggest otherwise. And the
876harm occasioned whenever lies of this kind are uncovered seems all but irreparable.
877
878I suspect that the telling of necessary lies will be rare for anyone but a spy— that is, if we
879grant that espionage is necessary in today's world. It is rumored that spies must lie even to
880their own friends and family. I am quite sure that I could not live this way myself, however
881good the cause. The role of a spy strikes me as a near total sacrifice of personal ethics for a
882larger good — whether real or imagined. It is a kind of moral self-immolation.
883
884In any case, we can draw no more daily instruction from the lives of spies than we can
885from the adventures of astronauts in space. Just as most of us need not worry about our
886bone density in the absence of gravity, we need not consider whether our every utterance
887could compromise national security. The ethics of war and espionage are the ethics of
888emergency — and are, therefore, necessarily limited in scope.
889
890
891
892Conclusion
893
894
895
896As it was in Anna Karenina, Madame Bovary, and Othello, so it is in life. Most forms of
897private vice and public evil are kindled and sustained by lies. Acts of adultery and other
898personal betrayals, financial fraud, government corruption — even murder and genocide —
899generally require an additional moral defect: a willingness to lie.
900
901Lying is, almost by definition, a refusal to cooperate with others. It condenses a lack of
902trust and trustworthiness into a single act. It is both a failure of understanding and an
903unwillingness to be understood. To lie is to recoil from relationship.
904
905By lying, we deny others a view of the world as it is. Our dishonesty not only influences
906the choices they make, it often determines the choices they can make — and in ways we
907cannot always predict. Every lie is a direct assault upon the autonomy of those we lie to.
908
909And by lying to one person, we potentially spread falsehoods to many others — even to
910whole societies. We also force upon ourselves subsequent choices — to maintain the
911deception or not — that can complicate our lives. In this way, every lie haunts our future.
912There is no telling when or how it might collide with reality, requiring further maintenance.
913The truth never needs to be tended in this way. It can simply be reiterated.
914
915The lies of the powerful lead us to distrust governments and corporations. The lies of the
916weak make us callous toward the suffering of others. The lies of conspiracy theorists raise
917doubts about the honesty of whistleblowers, even when they are telling the truth. Lies are
918the social equivalent of toxic waste — everyone is potentially harmed by their spread.
919
920
921
922How would your relationships change if you resolved never to lie again? What truths
923might suddenly come into view in your life? What kind of person would you become? And
924how might you change the people around you?
925
926It is worth finding out.
927
928
929
930Acknowledgments
931
932I am grateful for the editorial work of my wife and collaborator, Annaka Harris. The
933editor's job is always crucial, but with this essay my debt to Annaka is especially great,
934because the topic itself was her idea. I was, in fact, writing on assignment. In all my work,
935Annaka improves the content, structure, tone, and syntax — true love takes no greater form
936than this...
937
938I am also indebted to my mother, whose comments improved the essay throughout, and
939
940
941
942to my friends Emily Elson, Tim Ferriss, and Seth Godin for their very helpful notes. LYING
943also benefitted from the expert copy editing of Martha Spaulding.
944
945
946
947Other Books by Sam Harris
948
949The Moral Landscape: How Science Can Determine Human Values
950
951http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B003V1 WT72/ref=as li tf tl?
952ie=UTF8&tag=wwwsamharri02-20
953
954
955
956Letter to a Christian Nation
957
958http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/BOOOJMKTNM/ref=as li tf tl?
959ie=UTF8&tag=wwwsamharri02-20
960
961
962
963The End of Faith: Religion, Terror, and the Future of Reason
964
965http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/BOOOVUCIZE/ref=as li tf tl?
966ie=UTF8&tag=wwwsamharri02-20
967
968
969
970About the Author
971
972Sam Harris is the author of the New York Times bestsellers, The End of Faith, Letter to a
973Christian Nation, and The Moral Landscape. The End of Faith won the 2005 PEN Award
974for Nonfiction.
975
976
977
978Mr. Harris's writing has been published in over fifteen languages. He and his work have
979been discussed in Newsweek, TIME, The New York Times, Scientific American, Nature,
980Rolling Stone, and many other journals . His writing has appeared in Newsweek, The New
981York Times, The Los Angeles Times, The Economist, The Times (London), The Boston
982Globe, The Atlantic, The Annals of Neurology, and elsewhere .
983
984Mr. Harris is a Co-Founder and CEO of Project Reason , a nonprofit foundation devoted
985to spreading scientific knowledge and secular values in society. He received a degree in
986philosophy from Stanford University and a Ph.D. in neuroscience from UCLA. Visit his blog
987at www.samharris.org .
988
989
990
991Notes
992
993
994
995^ Howard has put much of his material in book form: R.A. Howard and CD. Korver,
996Ethics for the Real World: Creating a Personal Code to Guide Decisions in Work and Life
997(Cambridge: Harvard Business School Press, 2008). While I do not entirely agree with how
998the authors separate ethics from the rest of human values, I believe readers will find this a
999very useful book.
1000
1001^ Some have argued that evolution must have selected for an ability to deceive
1002oneself, thereby making it easier to mislead others [see William von Hippel and Robert
1003Trivers, "The Evolution and Psychology of Self-deception," The Behavioral and Brain
1004Sciences 34, no. 1 (2011): 1-16; discussion 16-56.] Whether self-deception actually exists
1005is still a matter of controversy, however. There is no question that we can be blind to facts
1006about ourselves or about the world that we really should see — but truly believing one's own
1007falsehoods is tantamount to honesty. Thus, we need not worry about self-deception for the
1008time being.
1009
1010^ S. Bok, Lying: Moral Choice in Public and Private Life (New York: Vintage, 1 999).
1011
1012^ B.M. DePaulo and D.A. Kashy, "Everyday Lies in Close and Casual Relationships,"
1013Journal of Personality and Social Psychology74, no.1 (Jan. 1 998): 63-79.
1014
1015^ B.M. DePaulo, et al., "Lying in Everyday Uie," Journal of Personality and Social
1016Psychology 70, no. 5 (1996): 979-995.
1017
1018^ P. J. Kalbfleisch, "Deceptive Message Intent and Relational Quality," Jouma/ of
1019Language and Social Psychology 20, nos. 1-2 (2001): 214-230; T. Cole, "Lying to the One
1020You Love: The Use of Deception in Romantic Relationships," JoL/ma/ of Social and
1021Personal Relationships 1 8, no. 1 (2001 ): 1 07-1 29.
1022
1023^ There is a related distinction in practical ethics between negative and positive
1024injunctions: Negative injunctions are actions we should avoid; positive injunctions are
1025actions we should perform. The asymmetry between these two sets is impressive: We can
1026comply with an infinite number of negative injunctions without expending any energy at all
1027— I can abstain from killing, stealing, or vandalizing others' property without getting out of
1028my chair. Positive injunctions, however, demand that I do something — raise funds for a
1029specific charity, for instance — and whatever I choose to do will compete with all the other
1030ways I could use my time and attention.
1031
1032Another important difference between negative and positive injunctions is that it is
1033quite clear when one has fulfilled the former, whereas the latter are often beset by
1034ambiguities. I can be absolutely certain I have not committed murder today. But with respect
1035to any act of generosity, I may always wonder whether I have given enough, to the right
1036people, in the right way, for the right purpose, etc.
1037
1038
1039
1040To not lie is a negative injunction, and it takes no energy to accomplish. To tell the whole
1041truth, however, is a positive injunction — requiring an endless effort at communication.
1042
1043^ K.A. Broomfield, E.J. Robinson, and W.P. Robinson, "Children's Understanding
1044about White Lies," British Journal of Developmental Psychology 20, no. 1 (2002): 47-65.
1045
1046^ Bok (1 999) makes the same point.
1047
1048^ B.J. Sagarin, K. Rhoads, and R.B. Cialdini, "Deceiver's Distrust: Denigration as a
1049Consequence of Undiscovered Deception," Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin 24,
1050no. 11 (1998): 1167-1176.
1051
1052^ http://healthland.time.com/201 1/01/06/study-linking-vaccines-to-autism-is-
1053
1054fraudulent/
1055
1056Table of Contents
1057
1058What Is a Lie?
1059
1060The Mirror of Honesty
1061
1062Two Types of Lies
1063
1064White Lies
1065
1066Trust
1067
1068Faint Praise
1069
1070Secrets
1071
1072Lies in Extremis
1073
1074Mental Accounting
1075
1076Integrity
1077
1078Big Lies
1079
1080Conclusion
1081
1082Acknowledgments
1083
1084Other Books bv Sam Harris