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1
2Topic 9  -- Responding
3
4The Facilitative Model, Processes, and Responses
5
6Responding is the second essential communication skill. There is no doubt that active listening (Topic
78) is the first essential step in communicating and building interpersonal relationships. Imagine that
8you are with a person and you are talking about various matters. You have been an attentive
9listener. But, now it is your turn to say something, to show that you have been listening. What will
10you say? How will you say it? The answers to these questions depend upon what you bear and see
11as you talk with someone and what you want to happen.
12
13Certainly nonverbal behavior plays a role in what is communicated (Topic 6), but more often we
14respond verbally to what people say to us. Our words reflect attitudes and feelings as much as they
15convey our ideas. A few carefully chosen words can communicate an invitation to talk and share
16more and to mutually explore and discover more. Whereas, ill-chosen words can push people away,
17threaten and stymie relationships, and impede learning opportunities. Effective communicators know
18bow to respond to others in a facilitative way.
19
20Effective communicators are aware that the choice of words or the turn of a phrase can make
21significant differences in relationships. There are no set speeches to give. There are no words of
22wisdom to pass along or specific statements to offer. After careful and attentive listening, the best
23communicators try to couch their thoughts and words in facilitative responses.
24
25Your words are only part of your response, but they are the primary catalysts in communication.
26There is a lot of power in words and people most often attend to them.
27
28We should also keep in mind that we are trying to manage communication in a relationship. Some
29relationships require little or no special effort, beyond being courteous, respectful, friendly, and a
30willingness to participate in small talk. They are casual relationships, most of which we invest little of
31ourselves. Nevertheless, even in brief encounters our best communication and facilitative skills can
32still be applied.
33
34Effective communications skills enable us to build caring and facilitative relationships at home, school,
35work, and in the community. So many things can be said in so many words that we need some way to
36organize our thoughts and be selective in how we communicate. Positive relationships are an
37outcome of what we say a1d do with one another.
38
39One way to improve communication with individuals and groups is to think of creating facilitative
40relationships. These are the most caring and friendly of all relationships because they facilitate
41decision-making, problem-solving, and personal growth. A facilitative model can help us manage our
42interpersonal skills and build caring and helping relationships.
43
44The Facilitative Model
45
46The facilitative model of communication has been referred to and described in other books (Myrick,
472003; Myrick & Erney, 200J). It provides guidelines for building caring and helping relationships. It is
48a practical approach for communicating with people and can be applied in many settings.
49
50In general, the facilitative model consists of four parts: 1) facilitative conditions, 2) facilitative
51processes, 3) facilitative responses and, 4) facilitative activities and tasks. It is grounded by six high
52facilitative verbal responses that you can use with other people, no matter the occasion or setting.
53The model also draws attention to statements that are considered low facilitative. These are less
54likely to demonstrate that you've been listening, less likely to encourage people to self-disclose
55more, and less likely to foster the conditions that comprise close positive relationships.
56
57The facilitative conditions were described briefly in Topic 7. While many words might be used to
58characterize a caring and helping relationship, the ones that tend to be highlighted are caring,
59understanding, acceptance, respect, friendliness, and trustworthiness.
60
61These conditions are, of course, dependent upon the interactions that take place between people.
62The facilitative responses help create the facilitative conditions. If the conditions are present in a
63relationship then the facilitative processes can take place.
64
65The Facilitative Processes
66
67"Okay," you might be thinking, "but if I'm a friendly person and have a positive relationship with
68people, then what happens?"
69
70Borrowing from Harry Luft and Joe Ingram's famous Johari Window (Joe and Harry's window), it is
71possible to illustrate several things about the Facilitative Model. A few liberties have been taken with
72the original illustration (Luft, 1984). For our purposes we will refer to it as the Relationship Quadrant
73(Myrick, 2003), since it features four distinct areas that are involved in individual or group
74relationships and where the facilitative processes take place (See Figure 9.1)
75
76Let's see how this might be applied to you and your relationship with others.
77
78Self-Disclosure: The First Facilitative Process
79
80For instance, there are some things that are known to you and known to others (Quadrant I). This
81shared knowledge makes it possible for you and others to have a base from which to relate with
82each other. It is an open and free to comment area. It is within this open area that ideas and feelings
83are explored and it is from here that awareness, decision-making, and actions eventually spring.
84
85If some of your friends, for example, know that are taking a course in communication skills they might
86feel free to talk with you about the course and what you are learning. If someone knows that you
87schedule a workout at the local fitness center three times a week, then he or she might use this
88information to talk with you about exercising. Knowing something about you may invite people to talk
89more freely with you, especially on topics about which they have some information.
90
91Information known to self and to others is usually a departure point for further discussion. It is
92common ground. Although limited at first, Quadrant I is where you start. It is the area that you want
93to expand and develop in a close personal relationship or perhaps a working relationship.
94
95At the same time, there are some things about yourself that others do not know much about, if at all.
96These things may be hidden or undisclosed for various reasons (Quadrant II). This is not necessarily
97because you have deep, dark secrets and that you are afraid to disclose them, but it may be
98because you have not had the chance to tell certain things about yourself.
99
100To reveal to someone you· favorite television program, or to share your likes and dislikes about
101sporting events, is a form a self-disclosure. They become a part of the open area once they are
102disclosed, just as much as telling what you remember about your parents when you were growing up
103and how they influenced your life. The circumstances of a situation, time, energy, motivation, and the
104invitation to talk about experiences and ourselves can determine how muc1 we disclose to others.
105
106When in a warm and safe relationship and in the presence of the facilitative conditions, sensitive
107top1cs are more likely to be disclosed. It matters not whether 1t 1s With an nd1v1dua1 or a group.
108
109In helping relationships, se f-disclosure is the first priority. As people disclose more about
110themselves, they can receive feedback from others about their ideas, feelings, attitudes, and
111behaviors. The two facilitative processes of self-disclosure and feedback interact with one another
112to create a free and open relationship, especially as the facilitative conditions continue to grow and
113crystallize (Quadrant I expands). It is in this facilitative relationship that people explore their ideas in
114greater depth, evaluate their goals more honestly, examine alternatives, consider and make
115decisions, and find solutions to their problems.
116
117Feedback: The Second Facilitative Process
118
119Feedback is a term that probably had its origin in electronics and aerospace engineering. It implies
120that a circuit is looped back to its original source and this flow back allows for a modification of an
121effect that produced the results. For instance, the thermos tats in your house use information about
122temperature to activate the cooling and heating unit. Commercial airline pilots use guidance systems
123that involve feeding information into computers and then confirming or correcting the airplane's flight
124pattern.
125
126In a similar sense, persona feedback in a relationship is helpful to individuals. It sometimes validates
127our attitudes and behaviors. At other times, it helps us modify or make changes in our lives.
128Feedback from others can help us stay on track or chart a new direction.
129
130As seen in the Relationship Quadrant, there are some things (facts and perceptions) that are known
131to others but not known to us. This area (Quadrant Ill) is a blind spot or a blind area, as called by
132some communication experts. It is an area that can only be reduced by the process of feedback.
133
134What do you know about your friends? What do they know about you? If you know the same things
135about each other, then you can talk about these matters and they may often be the subjects of
136conversation with one another (Quadrant 1). You may have told some of your friends things about
137yourself that others, with whom you are less acquainted, do not know (from Quadrant II), as you
138found the occasion and time talk with them. They may have done the same with you.
139
140There are also things that your friends know about you but may not have shared with you. They
141have observed you in several situations and have noticed how you behaved. They have also
142experienced certain reactions to things that you have done. They have formed impressions of you
143and have reached some conclusions about you as a person. Unless they have taken the time to tell
144you, much of this information is still blind to you (Quadrant III), although you assume that you know.
145Feedback from those friends can add information to the open area (Quadrant I). If it is done in a
146positive way, it can open the relationship even more and provide you valuable information about
147yourself.
148
149As one of the four facilitative processes, feedback is an essential part of a caring and helping
150relationship. First, any useful data that is collected can be used to assess our development and
151progress. It can help determine if we are accomplishing our goals and objectives. It can also
152reinforce some behaviors and provide the stimulus for changing others. Feedback is valuable for all
153parties in a relationship.
154
155Increased Awareness and Decision-Making: The Third Facilitative Process
156
157The third facilitative process in the model is that of increased awareness and decision-making. It is
158this process that most people want to experience when they see a doctor or counselor for help.
159Decision-making or problem -solving are not always by-products of self-disclosure and feedback.
160However, these processes are closely related.
161
162Most people want their problems solved immediately. They want to tell their story in brief and be
163told what to do or be reassured. At least it seems that way. They want to learn more about
164themselves in a few quick steps. They prefer everything to be as painless and effortless as
165possible.
166
167It is human nature to wish for an easy and satisfying process that does not take much time or
168commitment. Yet, it usually takes time to establish a facilitative and helping relationship. It times time
169and energy to disclose and explore ideas and feelings. It also takes time and commitment to receive
170and give feedback. Finally, it is hard work to identify clear goals, weigh alternatives, set priorities
171and take some action steps.
172
173Again, the Relationship Quadrant helps us gain insight into the process of decision-making and
174problem solving. As Quadrant I increases in scope and depth, people talk openly about matters. The
175processes of self-disclosure and feedback help Quadrant I (the free area) grow and become more
176meaningful. The potential for a relationship (Quadrant IV) also grows as Quadrants II (hidden area)
177and III (blind area) decrease in size. This happens as self-disclosure and feedback take place.
178
179It is in the context of Quadrant I that people experience a greater awareness of themselves and
180others and they feel more confident in considering and making decisions. They are less afraid of
181problems and think of ways to resolve them. This third facilitative process of increased awareness
182and decision-making then is an outgrowth of what happens in Quadrant I, despite its size and scope.
183The more limited the open area, the more limited the communication and, consequently, the more
184limited the opportunity to become more aware of self and others and to make decisions.
185
186These three processes are directly related to the action that a person takes as a result of working
187with others and being in a facilitative or helping relationship. It is thinking and conceptualizing
188approach to this point. Responsible action is the final process and the final goal.
189
190Responsible Action: The Fourth Facilitative Process
191
192You are in a better position to consider alternative courses of action when you are more aware of
193yourself and the kind of decisions facing you. This involves knowing more about your needs,
194interests, goals, style, and so forth. It also involves knowing something about your situation and
195circumstances. This awareness allows you to think about what you can do and the consequences of
196any action that might be taken. Eventually, some action is taken related to a decision that has been
197made or a problem that needs to be solved.
198
199We are ultimately responsible for our own actions. Talking with people, self-disclosing and getting
200feedback can help us search and plan for step-by-step procedures that will lead to success. Moving
201toward a goal through smell steps assumes that we are moving in the right direction according to a
202goal that we have.
203
204Sometimes an action step involves developing a skill or practicing one. This might be done when
205alone or perhaps with others. When you work with others, you have the benefit of feedback from
206them.
207
208It is fear of failure and accepting uncertain consequences that makes us hesitant to do things at
209times. It can prevent us from even taking a first step in a plan of action. As we take actions we also
210evaluate the results and if we don't like the outcomes we make new choices and alter our plans.
211
212Professional helpers know that they must help create and participate in the four processes of
213self-disclosure, feedback, increased awareness and decision-making, and responsible action. These
214processes are part of the facilitative model, which is about communication and relationships.
215
216As already noted, the model can be used in working groups, classes, workplaces and families. You
217do not have to be a professional helper to use the facilitative model and engage people in the
218facilitative processes.
219
220We also know that the four processes are directly related to what people say and do in the time
221that they are together. Therefore, special attention is given to how people talk with one another
222and how this talk influence:; the facilitative processes and conditions. For our purposes, we can think
223of our talk With others as hav1ng high and low facilitative responses.
224
225Topic 10  -- Communication in Problem Solving
226
227Elements of Problem Solving
228
229People have problems. In numerous public surveys about personal problems, the most common ones
230that are considered prevalent and serious are:
231
232- Insecurity (especially tear of losing job).
233- Lack of self-confidence.
234- Guilt.
235- Jealousy and envy.
236- Bitterness, inner anger, hatred, resentment.
237- Interpersonal relationships (especially within a family).
238- Loneliness.
239- Boredom.
240- Addictions (substance abuse).
241- Physical and/or abuse by someone.
242
243These problems are manifested in various places. If a disturbance happens at home in the morning, it
244is hard to hide its impact curing the day. Unpleasant feelings have a way of dragging us down
245physically and mentally, although we have spent a lifetime learning defense mechanisms and ways of
246covering our hurts and concerns. Nevertheless, there is almost always a loss of energy and focus.
247
248Some people are better at keeping their problems to themselves than others. Along the way, they
249learned to cope with adversity and their positive attitudes help them through difficult times. Other
250people have less tolerance for conflict, daily demands, and routine problems. Their problem-solving
251attitude is often negative, which is reflected in their behavior and relationships.
252Other surveys have tried to answer the question: What are the causes of poor interpersonal
253relationships between a husband and wife? Here are some of the primary reasons listed:
254
255- mistrust
256- infidelity
257- dishonesty
258- bad temper
259- flirting
260- extravagance with money (one likes to spend while the other is trying to save)
261- verbal abuse (not being careful about what is said and a lack of respect)
262- disagreeable or nasty disposition
263- irresponsibility as a personality trait
264- emotional problems of one or the other or both
265- insecurity of one or both
266- unfairness
267
268It makes one wonder what did these couples see in each other in the first place? After the
269honeymoon period, problems started. One problem led to another. There was a break down in
270communication and, in time, the marriage broke down.
271
272These same problems, ironically, are also quite co11mon in the workplace. Again, they affect job
273satisfaction and productivity. Different people, different roles, different places, but similar problems
274are reported.
275
276Other People's Problems
277
278It's easier to work with other people's problems. We can be more objective. In most cases, there is
279less at stake, even though we may be personally involved.
280
281It's much more difficult when we have problems and try to work our way through them. "The eye
282cannot see the eyeball." No matter how objective you try to be when the problem is your own, it's
283difficult to put all of the pieces together.
284
285We can take part in activities that help us gain insight or to think about possible solutions. We can
286ask our family, friends, or perhaps a professional counselor for help. It's also easier to talk about
287problems in a hypothetical sense. "Now, if this were my problem, I..."
288
289You can try to imagine how a person might feel, some of the thoughts that are present, and how
290someone might be acting while wrestling with the problem. This can be an academic exercise, but it
291also gives people an opportunity to learn and think about situations when they are not on the
292defensive or under pressure.
293
294We can learn how to solve problems through indirect approaches. We listen to others talk about
295problems and think of how they apply to us, or our friends. What would we do? For instance, you
296might tune into a panel show on TV or radio where you hear people talk about their difficult
297circumstances and dilemmas. You try to think of yourself being in such a situation and if you agree
298with the host or panel of the show regarding what they recommend to do.
299
300It is not uncommon for professional groups to meet and share their problems and solutions through
301seminars and panels. For example, at a national law enforcement conference, public safety concerns,
302such as speeding and theft from vehicles, were considered chronic problems for many police
303agencies. Police officers, leaders and consultants met to share their approaches to these problems.
304
305In one session, panel members described their innovative procedures. They told why their old
306approaches did not work and highlighted the value of collecting and analyzing information regarding
307the city's problems and documenting success. Law enforcement personnel, city leaders, and others
308who were present asked questions and participated in a discussion that was designed to help them
309think of how the new approaches might be applied in their own areas.
310
311In another session, the Los Angeles County Public Housing Authority shared a comprehensive
312Housing Management Model that resulted in significant reductions in crime in public and high-density
313residential areas. The heart of the model was a team involving law enforcement, residents, and
314community agencies in targeted sites. The presentation provided an overview of the model's
315components, its impact, and the lessons learned for replication. Using partnerships to address
316community problems was advocated and conference participants took note.
317
318Everyone present at the conference had problems but the seminars provided an opportunity to talk
319about them in an open and safe way. Problems were viewed in the light of problems elsewhere and
320what others were doing to resolve them.
321
322We can learn to solve problems through such indirect approaches. The key is that other people's
323situations must have direct relevance to our own and that the proposed solutions are flexible
324enough to be adapted and applied elsewhere. The indirect approach to problem-solving is somewhat
325objective, but it takes attentive listening and facilitating skills to find the deeper meanings and to
326personalize them.
327
328When It Is Everybody's Problem
329
330There is no doubt that a personality disorder can be disruptive. People who are suffering from a
331mental illness or psychological disability are going to face and create problems for themselves and
332others. They need professional help. If you know of such people, then you might think of ways to
333refer them for assistance. Even then, a person may continue to struggle with life and be a source of
334conflict and problems.
335
336Although it is not true, most of us assume that others that we meet, that we live with, and that we
337work with are fully functioning people. We think that they are rational beings and are able to behave
338in responsible ways. We imagine that logic and social sensibilities are enough to work with them when
339minor problems occur. We give them the benefit of the doubt, as we hope that they would give us
340when we are having a bad day.
341
342Yet, studies show that not everyone perceives the world in the same way and that some people are
343absolutely inept in communication and social skills. They are ineffective problem solvers and have
344poor interpersonal relationships.
345
346Many of these people grew up with poor models and teachers. Some never learned how to take
347responsibility for themselves and to solve problems. They never learned how to relate well with
348others. Their communication skills prevent them from forming positive relationships with marriage
349partners or colleagues at work. They are poor team players.
350
351We could point to a disagreeable person and say, "You've got a problem." But, for the most part the
352real issue is: "You are a problem!" That is, most of the time we can tolerate the idiosyncrasies of
353dysfunctioning people until their problems create a problem for the rest of us. Then, the problem is
354everybody's problem.
355
356When we try to solve problems with people, it is typically assumed that we can be systematic, follow
357logical steps, and progressively move toward a satisfactory solution. We can’t see interpersonal
358problems as being irreversible. It is only a matter of taking time to address the issues, talk about
359them, and then reach a rational and reasonable agreement - at least it seems that way.
360
361The fact of the matter is that some people are very limited in what they bring to the negotiating
362table. Some, after an agreement has been reached or issues seemed solved, are unable to follow
363through with their commitments. Therefore, it is important to assess the personal strengths and
364weaknesses of people who are involved in a problem-solving process. Expectations must be
365positive, but realistic. Change may come in smaller steps than we would prefer, and this might be
366acceptable as long as it is in the right direction.
367
368Sometimes personal problems and relationships can be corrected through teaching, tutoring, and
369coaching. At other times, i: may take intense therapy or counseling to reverse or adjust a disorder.
370Dysfunctioning people need help from doctors, clergy, counselors, teachers, employers, and family
371members. We address the nature of dysfunctioning personalities and behaviors more in Topic 16,
372when more attention is given to the helping relationship and referring people for assistance.
373
374Given these limitations about the nature of difficult people who we encounter and with whom we
375share or talk about proble11s, we can identify certain problem-solving models and strategies that are
376more often successful than not.
377
378Problem Solving Defined
379
380Borrowing from the field of mathematics and sciences, problem-solving is the ability to combine
381previously learned principles, procedures, knowledge, and strategies to solve unknown problems.
382This involves the selection and combination of multiple principles in order to solve a problem.
383
384Heuristic Problem Solving is where there is no clear procedural rule that exists. For instance, in
385baking a cake with a cake mix it does not usually matter which order the ingredients are placed in
386the bowl. The cake is still a success.
387
388Algorithmic Problem Solving is when there is a procedural rule to follow. In making chocolate chip
389cookies according to one recipe, the chef has to mix the dry ingredients and wet ingredients
390separately, then combine the dry ingredients slowly into the wet, or the cookies may not bake
391correctly.
392
393Well-defined problems are those where the situation and goal are given. This might be found in a
394case when a police officer arrests a suspect. There is a single solution. The person either did or did
395not stop at the stoplight and the case is either dismissed or the fine is paid.
396
397Ill-defined problems occur where there is more than one correct answer or solution and the goal is
398vague, unknown, or extremely situational-dependent. This type of Problem Solving may have multiple
399correct solutions.
400
401Problem Solving as a Learning Process
402
403Most contemporary educational theorists advocate problem-solving as a means of helping students
404to develop decision-making skills and critics recommend that teachers alter their teaching
405methodology accordingly. The traditional method for decision making reflects John Dewey's model of
406learn by doing:
407
408- Identification of the problem situation: What is happening?
409- Definition of the problem: What must be done?
410- Search for information: What do we need to know?
411- Analysis of data: What are the important considerations?
412- Testing possible solutions: What will happen if a particular action is followed?
413- Conclusion: What action is most promising?
414
415The problem-solving method of teaching incorporates problem-solving activities, but places the
416responsibility for learning on the student. It requires teachers to move from the traditional
417instructional model of lecturing to one that engages teachers and students as partners in learning,
418with the teacher functioning in the role of facilitator or coach rather than leader or all-knowing
419authority. It requires the use of problems that have real meaning to students, thus motivating them
420to reach a solution.
421
422Educators and special reform groups in other subject areas refer to a process known as
423"problem-based learning," which has many similarities to the problem-solving approach. In
424problem-based instruction, all learning is done in context, within the learner's social environment.
425Learning occurs as students negotiate with others and evaluate the viability of each individual's
426understanding. Some of its features are:
427
4281. Engagement. The problem addresses real issues that connect to the larger social context of the
429students' personal worlds.
4302. Inquiry. The problem is ill-structured in that it has no one right answer. It often changes as more
431information is found. It requires exploration to define and refine the questions and ideas surrounding
432the problem.
4333. Solution building. In problem-based learning, solutions are generated by the students who are the
434problem solvers. Teachers are the coaches. As problem solvers, students engage in observation,
435inquiry, and investigation into hypotheses and issues, and they formulate conclusions that are
436consistent with the nature of the problem. Teachers promote learning by acting as models,
437demonstrating behaviors they want their students to adopt. They prompt students to take
438ownership of the problem and responsibility for its solution, and then fade into the background.
439
440Problem Solving learning requires teachers and coaches to use facilitative communication skills and
441build positive working relationships, preferably based on the facilitative conditions. This kind of
442learning is not exclusive to schools. It can take place in summer camps, religious settings, community
443education groups, and business workshops.
444
445Robert Wendover (2003), managing director for the Center for Generational Studies observed that
446major differences have been noticed in the world of work between Baby Boomers and Generation X
447in their approaches to problem-solving. He noted that Boomers are more likely to believe in an older
448or current system, whereas Xers bring an inherent skepticism to the negotiation table. They have a
449different kind of attitude toward work rules and labor contracts. The Millennials, or Generation Y,
450have an even different attitude because they matured in a world where problems are solved through
451shortcuts, manipulations of rules, and situational ethics. They grew up on computers and technical
452analysis. Quick decisions are expected and any unpleasant consequences 3re ignored or "deleted."
453
454Cycles of Change and Problem Solving
455
456The modern business world has led the way in trying to understand the cycles of change and
457learning how to navigate through transitions. The cycles and transitions are laden with problems and
458new challenges. When one problem is solved there is sure to be another to follow. There are always
459problems and problem-solving is now seen as an integral part of doing business. Schools,
460universities, and non-profit organizations have followed along, but they tend to be more
461conservative and the use of new problem-solving methods tends to lag.
462
463From the CEO of a large or small company to the newest employee, people cannot hide from change.
464And yet, human beings naturally resist change. The mere prospect of upheaval and moving away from
465something known to something new can test a person's confidence and ignite all kinds of latent
466fears.
467
468Organizational workshops are designed to help people prepare for, and thrive during, a major
469change, such as a merger, corporate re-organization, growth spurt, and new projects. The main idea
470is to help employees gain an understanding of the change process and their roles in it, whether they
471are initiating the change, implementing a plan, or helping people live through a disruption. It is evident
472that communication skills, leadership, and team-building tools are needed to meet change and the
473challenges that arise.
474
475Leadership and Problem Solving
476
477A few issues seem to be recurrent problems for leaders. Expecting casual conversations to
478communicate complex issues gets many leaders in trouble. Becoming defensive about mistakes
479instead of accepting responsibility breaks down the trust between leaders and followers. Putting
480one's personal interests in front of the needs of the group undermines the credibility of leaders.
481Often times, the very attributes that help leaders rise to prominence in an organization become the
482qualities that limit their success.
483
484Leaders are often promoted because they are decisive, action oriented, and calculating risk takers.
485These traits sometimes, however, overpower good judgment when appraising the limitations of team
486members and constraints placed on the team by the organization. These issues provide the basis for
487developing leadership techniques that succeed in real workplace environments.
488
489Many business organizations are looking for leaders that inspire, guide, and reward their team
490continuously. During any given day, leaders must call upon different skills and qualities to handle the
491variety of situations and problems that arise. Adding to the challenge, as an organization evolves
492and grows, it requires different capabilities from its leaders. If you are part of a management team, a
493leadership council, or a group of key employees you must learn to realign leadership styles in order
494to gain the best from a team.
495
496Some common goals of leadership workshops are to:
497
498- Discover and practice a leader's role in setting and achieving goals, gaining support, resolving
499conflicts, motivating team members, and sustaining commitment.
500- Recognize where an organization or team currently stands and choose the appropriate
501leadership style.
502- Learn to identify team behaviors and respond effectively.
503- Identify appropriate directive and/or supportive coaching techniques to improve team
504performance.
505
506Team Building and Problem Solving
507
508There are still some presidents and COEs that want to make all the decisions for a company. Any
509problem that faced the organization is given directly to them. Some then consult a board of directors
510for direction, but most rely on a few selected assistants.
511
512After World War II, the Japanese economy made a remarkable recovery and took a major share of
513the world economic market through their business strategies. Among them were the concepts
514described in Quality Management by Edwards Deming. He was a consultant from the United States
515who advocated more reliance on the input of employees and shared management. Workers were
516given opportunities to talk about their work in groups, with a group facilitator, and to recommend
517how procedures could be made more effective and efficient. This tapped into more resources and it
518also created a feeling of pride and ownership in a company. Drawing upon teams of workers to help
519make decisions and solve problems became a major force in organizational management.
520
521It is assumed that teams work together and solve problems best when they are a close-knit group.
522One way to make this happen is for employees to take part in programs or workshops aimed at
523developing leadership, team building, and communication skills. This kind of training might be a part of
524an organization's annual workshop or retreat.
525
526Modern day workshops are still theory based, but concepts and strategies are learned experientially
527and then applied in practical ways. Typically, in the beginning speakers and facilitators introduce
528models and theories through multi-media presentations and engaging group discussions. This is
529followed by discussion groups who face interactive challenges that help the group connect theory
530with practice. Then, after reflecting on the activities, team members recall organizational ideas that
531worked in the past and discover new ways of doing things. They explore different ways that they
532can apply what was learned to the real world and the workplace.
533
534Companies and work teams have used "offsite" retreats and workshops for years as a mode to
535celebrate success, share knowledge and build stronger working units. What makes contemporary
536sessions different is the combination of an outdoor setting and a physical activity with meaningful
537discussions. These factors contribute to teams successfully discussing sensitive issues and opening
538doors for creative ideas.
539
540Adventure-based Workshops
541
542Adventure-based workshops and programs assume that some of the greatest insights into
543teamwork and problem-solving are discovered away from computers, desks, and telephones. Team
544building often takes place at wilderness campsites or recreation centers away from the workplace.
545The programs actively engage participants in unforgettable experiences that challenge them in
546exciting ways. There is a broad range of activities that can spark creative energy, foster innovation,
547and build camaraderie.
548
549In adventure-based workshops, trained facilitators lead participants in experiential activities. They
550make careful observations that are discussed in team meetings. Everyone has a chance to share
551their ideas, feelings, and ask questions. The idea is to discover new insights about self and others
552and then translate them back to their work environments.
553
554Team building can also move from outdoor high adventures to indoor tabletop activities. Most team
555building programs are not only challenging but they can be fun and enjoyable. They are interactive
556and provide opportunities for all people to participate. People are active learners. The team-building
557program reminds participants of the power of teams while strengthening their communication and
558leadership skills.
559
560Some of the advantages of such workshops include:
561
562- Builds relationships among co-workers working in the same office or at remote sites.
563- Reminds team members of the importance of planning and communicating ideas.
564- Increases appreciation for team diversity.
565- Clarifies roles and t1e process for determining roles in a group project situation.
566- Provides a non-threatening environment for discussion of group process.
567
568For instance, one group met in a rural setting where they took cool morning walks through the
569woods. Surrounded by tall green trees, lush foliage, and the sounds of birds, members listened to
570the sound of their footsteps and talked in subdued voices. They selected comfortable areas for
571brief discussions where they talked about topics that were important to the organization and to
572them. It was a casual and inviting atmosphere and participants realized how fortunate they were to
573be able to use the outdoors and a brisk walk as a venue to delve into work topics.
574
575This group was not the first to realize the power of getting away from the office to talk about good
576ideas in open communication. Using a short hike as a means for a creating an opportunity to talk
577about issues was both physiologically and intellectually engaging. Many people find that they think
578well when participating in a physical activity. For instance, runners, swimmers, yoga practitioners and
579dancers often report that they stay focused and concentrate when their bodies are moving. By
580bringing a work team into an outdoors setting, they might relax and free themselves from day to day
581stresses.
582
583In a "Visioning Hike, " as facilitated and described by Adventure Associates
584(http://www.adventureassoc.com/7source.googleaw), workshop members took part in an outdoor
585activity and worked as a team. In the first scenario, the facilitator identified topics in advance and,
586during a short hike, participants explored them in more detail. As part of a two-day retreat, this
587group set out early in the day and walked in small groups of 2 - 3 people. They discussed topics
588such as how to improve internal customer service and ideas for next year's new product. The hiking
589groups switched partners informally during a 15 - 30 minute break time. Before starting a new topic,
590groups took time to share ideas and to record them in order to discuss and prioritize them at a later
591time.
592
593To add adventure and to focus on different topics, the hikes can also take place at night. Group
594members use headlamps or flashlights. During one night hike, a skilled facilitator broached the
595subject of "untalkables." The night environment encouraged team members to address difficult and
596sensitive issues that were hard or impossible to bring up around a conference table, such as trust,
597equity, jealousy and leadership concerns.
598
599Day and night walks kindle openness in a few ways. By walking side by side and not having to look
600your partner in the eye, one does not feel on the spot or under evaluation. Some people find that
601riding on a ski lift or driving in a car often illicit the same ease of conversation. The darkness also
602allowed conversation to take on a tone unlike work. It seemed easier to talk from a third party
603standpoint that comes across as less threatening and feels anonymous. The absence of typical
604distractions or common routines that happen in the workplace created a climate where people were
605more alert and could express themselves with greater clarity. By rotating partners or small groups
606every fifteen minutes or so, a composite list of the "untalkables topics"' that surfaced became even
607more anonymous as items could not be specifically tied to any one conversation. At the end of the
608hike there was time to explore ideas and solutions in preparation for a more formal meeting the next
609day.
610
611Walks and hikes are opportunities to build a team spirit and working relationships away from the
612office. Sharing ideas or engaging in tough discussions, while breathing fresh air in new surroundings
613can be refreshing and productive. The time spent walking and talking translated to better
614relationships, heightened creativity and a productive off-site meeting.
615
616In another example, teams engage in a fast-paced series of mental, physical, and creative challenges
617around "Team Sailing" that matched the group's goals, the site, and the desired level of adventure.
618Multi-tasking activities help reveal the value of planning and depending upon team members. The
619organization took advantage of the community's seaside and lake resources to offer experiential
620learning opportunities.
621
622Another experiential learning workshop introduced team building and problem-solving through a
623"pursuit challenge." Each participating team in the workshop was given instructions, a map showing
624various activity locations, and a backpack containing crucial supplies and equipment needed to
625complete "the pursuit." Each team took a few minutes to review the information and to develop a
626strategy for completing as many of the activities as possible in the time available. In order to
627progress through the series of challenges teams had to tap the creativity and collaboration skills of
628every team member.
629
630The challenges ranged from elaborate problem-solving to light-hearted contests. Teams earned
631points for completing each challenge and for the quality of their collaboration. The challenges did not
632demand physical fitness or strength, and speed typically was not the decisive factor. In addition, in
633order to elicit team dynamics, in each activity a different person on a team was the designated
634leader for a particular challenge. More important than winning were the insights gained throughout
635the event.
636
637According to workshop organizers, at the heart of effective team collaboration lies effective
638communication. Yet, few people have mastered the process. Effective communication is a demanding
639back-and-forth process that requires specific speaking and listening skills. Participants in the
640workshop became more aware of how they spoke and listened to others. They learned to adjust
641their styles in order to obtain the best results in given situations. As participants diagnosed their
642communication styles and practices, they built a personal repertoire of reliable communication tools
643and gained confidence in their capabilities.
644
645A team-building program that has received a lot of national attention is the "Ropes Course."' Not all
646ropes courses are the same. There is a difference between recreational programs and the benefits
647of a facilitated team-building program. However, these courses encourage personal growth as an
648individual and a team, exploring risk, leadership, communication, problem-solving, and coaching. There
649is an emphasis on collaboration. The challenges call upon every member of the team to participate.
650
651There are challenges that motivate participants to expand their comfort zones --sometimes
652dramatically-- and to recognize fears that may block personal achievement. To those who have never
653participated in such a program, each moment tends to be intense and full of discoveries, whether a
654person is climbing, supporting, or finding an effective way to encourage a teammate.
655
656To those who have had some experience with the ropes course, there are always new discoveries
657because the group membership is different. It is interesting to note how people approach the
658challenges. There are always similarities and differences. It is also fascinating to watch how different
659personalities contribute to the formation and functioning of a team.
660Although the program and activities can be initially threatening to some, especially those who see
661themselves as less athletic than others, the ropes courses are popular in organizational workshops
662and retreats because they:
663
664- Pull new project teams together to practice problem-solving in a group setting.
665- Provide a fun and energizing kickoff for an annual retreat to celebrate success.
666- Build interdependence and risk taking skills.
667- Create a reference point for improving communications.
668- Clarify roles and responsibilities.
669- Strengthen company relationships.
670- Integrate an enjoyable activity to break up a multi-day meeting.
671
672Models and Formulas in Problem Solving
673
674The use of mathematics is essential to solving some problems, such as how to put an exploring
675robot on Mars, how to determine whether one treatment for pancreatic cancer is generally more
676effective than another, and how to keep airplanes from crashing into one another in heavy air traffic
677at an airport. There are many types of mathematics, but even the simplest can be helpful in
678problem-solving. For example, if you want to make yourself happier, start by counting the number of
679days in the next two weeks that you feel happy. Then you have a baseline to use as a comparison
680after you make some behavior or situational changes in your pursuit of happiness.
681
682A formula can help solve a problem. The formula could be a recipe, a set of chemicals, heat levels, or
683an established method of doing something. If you want to develop a permanent way of marking the
684right lens for contact lens wearers, start with the formulas for permanent pens and markers. If you
685want to create better toothpaste, start with a typical formula and try altering its components.
686
687In a sense there are formulas for helping people solve personal or social problems. Just as formulas
688in other areas, they must be adjusted or modified at times. However, they do provide us guidelines.
689They are based on experience and probabilities. They help can expedite matters, keep us focused
690on our objectives, and effectively engage other people or elements in the problem-solving process.
691One such formula has been called "The Systematic Problem Solving Model" (Myrick, 2003) and its
692steps can be applied in a host of situations.
693
694Topic 11  -- Assertiveness
695
696You want to be able to stand up for your personal rights and in such a way that respects the rights
697of others. You want to be able to express your personal preferences, interests and dislikes in a
698free and spontaneous manner. To disagree with someone openly or ask for clarification is a right
699that you have, but you want to do it tactfully. To be able to say no, when you mean no is also
700desirable strength. You also want to be able to accept compliments gracefully and comfortably. In
701brief, you want to be assertive, relaxed and confident in interpersonal situations.
702
703What is assertiveness? Several decades ago, Andrew Salter (1949) described "assertive" as a
704personality trait. He thought that you either were or were not that way, such as some people are
705extroverted and others are introverted. Later, two behavior scientists and researchers (i.e., Wolpe,
7061958; Lazarus, 1966) redefined the term along the lines of a person's rights and feelings. They
707found that almost everyone could be assertive in some situations and then non-assertive at other
708times. They also believed that people who are shy, withdrawn and passive could learn to be
709assertive.
710
711According to the Oxford English Dictionary:
712
713To Assert -- To state an opinion, claim a right, or establish authority. If you assert yourself, you
714behave in a way that expresses your confidence, importance or power and earns you respect from
715others.
716
717Assertiveness is the ability to express feelings, opinions, beliefs, and wants in a direct, open and
718honest manner, while considering the personal rights of others. It is not equated with
719aggressiveness.
720
721Aggressive behavior is usually more forceful and self-enhancing at the expense of others. It is a
722selfish way of expressing oneself that does not that typically disregards or dismisses others. In a
723similar sense, being assertive is not the same as being stubborn and arguing a point without
724compromise.
725
726The U.S. Department of Homeland Security recognizes that people must work in teams and that
727leadership and conflict are important issues. Assertiveness is viewed as the ability of team members
728to state and maintain a position that may be the opposite or counter to the position of others.
729Assertive people are won over or convinced by the facts, not the authority or personality of
730another, or the opinion that their position is wrong. An effective team leader advocates open and
731questioning communication by team members. In their productive interactions, team members are
732mutually respectful to each other. Business leaders and entrepreneurs favor this definition.
733
734Three Interpersonal Styles
735
736Assertiveness can be viewed as the middle ground between aggression and passivity. On a behavior
737continuum it is possible to contrast these three styles in terms of interpersonal communication
738patterns and personalities.
739
740Passive
741
742Early investigators, such as Jakubowski-Spector (1 973) and Alberti and Emmons (1970) found that
743unassertive or passive people tend to see themselves as not having a right to their feelings, beliefs,
744or opinions. Sadly enough, their self-concept rejects the idea that we all have equal rights and that
745all are expected to treat one another with respect. Consequently, they don't object very much when
746they are exploited or mistreated by others.
747
748People who are characterized as passive or nonassertive probably learned to be that way when
749they were children, when it was implied that their perceptions, opinions, feelings and wants were
750less valued than those of others. They grew up with self-doubt, and more often than not, looked for
751others to guide them and to validate the worth of their ideas and actions.
752
753Perhaps as a child you benefited from caring and sensitive parents. You were gradually given more
754freedom to develop a personal style of your own, one that is reflected in personal relationships. You
755might have been given increased responsibilities and freedoms to make choices. You may also have
756experienced other people, such as teachers, coaches and mentors, who taught you how to be
757assertive and to treasure your rights.
758
759When people allow their ideas or rights to be restricted by another individual or situation, they are
760behaving passively. For example, some passive people may engage in professional courtesy to the
761point of being extreme. They are eager to please and to avoid conflict. They especially don't want to
762offend people in authority. It's hard for them to take a position on anything and they rely on
763ambiguous statements, so that they don't have to commit themselves. As one observer said, "In our
764meetings, they beat around the bush and it's hard to know what they are thinking and feeling."
765
766Rather than make a clear and definitive statement, a passive person is more likely to express
767concerns in the form of a question. "Do you think we should put some extra time in on this project?"
768A questionable procedure by a team member is not likely to be challenged. That could result in a
769confrontation, which would bring much discomfort and a feeling of being out of control. So, the
770passive person just goes along. The favorite way of making a decision is by default. No decision is a
771decision.
772
773When we study the behaviors and communication patterns of passive people we notice that they
774often shift their weight from one side to another and look around while talking with others. They
775avoid eye contact, with eyes often downcast, and their body slumps. Passive people seem to lack
776energy but that may not be the case. It might only be their demeanor, which keeps the focus off of
777them.
778
779In conversations, passive people use passive words that include qualifiers. For example, they might
780typically use such phrases as, "maybe," "I guess," "Would you mind if ... " "only", "just", "I can't", "...If
781that's what you want."
782
783Passive people will stay beck and refrain from taking a strong stand in front of a group. The
784middle-of-the-road is seen as the safest position and it's easier to let others make decisions. They
785prefer to procrastinate an::l keep from making decisions. If they don't agree with or like a decision,
786they are not likely to voice their opinions.
787
788The problem with a passive person is that ideas, and especially feelings, are kept inside and to
789oneself. Recognizing or offering emotions, such as fear, anxiety, depression, fatigue and frustration,
790are considered too risky in relationships. Self-disclosure is too threatening. A passive person
791becomes anxious when others self-disclose personal information and feelings because it increases
792unsafe levels of conversation.
793
794Nonassertive people often lack self-respect and permit others to violate their rights. They
795communicate a feeling of inferiority. In addition, passive behaviors often set up a lose-win situation
796because the nonassertive or passive person believes that his or her own needs are secondary. He
797or she chooses to be a victim, if need be.
798
799Passive people also tend to store in themselves a heavy burden of resentment and anger toward
800others, which may ooze out in the form of passive aggressive behavior. This might include such
801things as not paying attention, being late for meetings, turning assignments in late, stalling others
802who want a decision, sabotaging plans by dragging things along, and not attending to task or details.
803
804Because most people want to be liked and thought of as "nice"' or "'easy to get along with," the
805nonassertive keep their opinions and feelings to themselves, especially if those opinions conflict with
806others. However, this sometimes leads to being taken advantage of by people who are not as nice
807or considerate.
808
809It is possible to identify passive or nonassertive behaviors. When these behaviors characterize the
810general style of an individual then the person is seen as having a passive personality.
811
812Aggressive
813
814Some children, being around demanding parents and adults, spend years cast in passive roles. Some
815refuse to remain passive, as they grow older and bolt against the system. They might demand their
816rights at the expense of others. Their disregard for people can be reflected in socially unacceptable
817behaviors. They become aggressive.
818
819Juvenile delinquents, for example, are often angry with the adults and express unhappiness and
820frustration through random acts of violence and vandalism. Without sensitive and sensible adult
821supervision and guidance, they can remain unchecked and become poor citizens. They are convinced
822that the world is against them and that they must fight back, or better yet, "Get them before they
823get you." Their negative attitude about life permeates their aggressive behaviors.
824
825There are aggressive types who are inclined to bully people in order to get their way. They may not
826be delinquents or criminals, but they make it difficult to be around them, whether at school, home,
827work, or in the community. Nonassertive people step out of their way and give them what they want.
828Assertive people stand up for their rights and resist bullying. They recognize that the bullies have
829their rights too, but not at the expense of others.
830
831When someone invades another's boundaries or disrespects an individual's rights, they are behaving
832aggressively. The intention is to dominate and aggressive people will use statements that are
833abusive, degrading, ridiculing, confrontational, or hostile in order to get their way. They belittle and
834intimate others to build themselves up.
835
836Close observation of aggressive communication patterns suggests typical mannerisms such as
837standing erect or leaning forward with glaring eyes, pointing a finger, and using a raised tone of
838voice. Aggressive words include threats like, "You'd better .. ." and "If you don't ... then, watch out."
839Sarcasm and put-downs like "Oh, come on, you must be kidding."' And phrases like "should, " "bad",
840"ought to" and "must"' are part of aggressive language.
841
842In a group meeting, aggressive people will interrupt others when they are speaking. They speak
843loudly and otherwise call attention to themselves. In their eagerness to "'win" they are poor listeners
844and distort facts. They jump to conclusions because they have so little patience for others. They
845want to move rapidly to their goals and solutions and have them accepted quickly.
846
847When frustrated, aggressive people can display anger and become hostile. They might show
848inappropriate rage or the intensity of their reactions might be disproportionate to the occasion.
849They can strike out physically, but many have learned that their words can be equally hurtful.
850
851Aggressiveness is not be confused with high energy, strength and intensity, or a feeling of
852forcefulness. A team that is trying to accomplish a goal might value these qualities. Aggressive
853behavior, on the other hand, restricts communication within a family or team. Cohesiveness and
854synergy are difficult to obtain. Aggressive people attack or ignore others' opinions in favor of their
855own.
856
857Bully tactics are destructive to relationships and, ultimately, to self-esteem. On the other hand,
858remaining passive and tolerating the bullying may help you to avoid conflict, but the price paid
859includes sacrificing your self and feeling helpless or out of control.
860
861Direct and assertive communication can reduce conflict, build your self-confidence, and enhance your
862personal and work relationships. Assertiveness is a skill that anyone can learn.
863
864Assertive
865
866Assertiveness is expressing thoughts, feelings, and beliefs in a direct, honest, and appropriate way.
867It means that we have respect both for others and ourselves. We are working toward a "win-win"
868solution to problems, where everyone is having their needs met to the best degree possible.
869
870Assertive people are aware of their feelings. They can take a stand that matches their feelings and
871beliefs and will challenge other people's positions when there is a lack of convincing evidence. They
872will question rules or traditions that seem unfair, impractical, or that don't make much sense.
873
874At the same time, they are active listeners and effective facilitators. They negotiate so that others
875cooperate.
876
877In a group meeting, assertive people ask facilitative questions that keep the group on task. They
878clarify and summarize the feelings and ideas of other group members and they look closely at
879alternative solutions or courses of action. They are goal oriented and view problems as challenges,
880which they are not afraid to face. They carry themselves with an air of confidence.
881
882They can refuse other's requests if they are too demanding, untimely, or inappropriate. Their
883refusals are firm but sensitive. When overloaded with a task or assignment that they agreed to take
884on, they are not afraid to ask for assistance.
885
886Assertive people stand tall and speak in a steady tone of voice. The speak for themselves and not
887for others, "I think," "I feel," "I want," and they use cooperative words and phrases such as, Let's see,
888how can we resolve this ... " "What do you think?" and "How would you approach this?" Their work in
889groups is distinguished by the use of high facilitative responses.
890
891Assertive people feel empowered to speak up, take action, and do it with respect. A team leader is
892usually grateful for their presence but, in general, must be able to harness the energy of assertive
893team members.
894
895Benefits of Being Assertive
896
897Being assertive is not a self-protective or defensive posture. You don't wait to be challenged before
898you stand up and take action for your rights. Rather, you approach life in a direct, open, and honest
899manner. This gives you an edge for more accurate self-expression and enhancement_
900
901People like to be around assertive individuals because they exude self-confidence as opposed to
902arrogance. They form caring and facilitative relationships because they respect their peers and
903friends.
904
905Your personal rights, as well as those of others, include:
906
907- The right to decide how to lead your life, including the pursuit of your own goals and dreams
908and setting your own priorities.
909- The right to your own values, beliefs, opinions, and emotions-- and the right to respect
910yourself for them, no matter the opinion of others.
911- The right to speak up and tell others how you wish to be treated.
912- The right to express yourself and to say "No," and "I don't know," and "I don't understand." or
913even "I don't care."
914- The right to resist pressure to make a quick decision. You can take the time you need to
915formulate your ideas before expressing them_
916- The right to change your mind, to make mistakes, and to sometimes act illogically, and accept
917the consequences.
918- The right to sometimes do less than you are capable of doing.
919- The right to have positive, satisfying relationships within which you feel comfortable and
920freedom to express yourself honestly in those relationships, which you can change or end if
921they do not meet your needs.
922- The right to change and develop your life in any way that you determine, taking full
923responsibility for choices and behavior.
924
925If you believe that you don't have these rights, you may react very passively or aggressively to
926circumstances and events in your life. Some people, looking over the list, think that attending to such
927rights is selfish. However, when you are truly selfish you're only concerned about your rights, with
928little or no regard for others. Assertiveness is about balance, trade-offs, responsible
929decision-making and mutual respect and consideration.
930
931When you allow other's needs and opinions to become more important than your own, you sacrifice a
932lot of your self. You feel anxious and even angry. You can be thrown into a pattern of nonassertive
933behaviors that are indirect, emotionally dishonest and self-denying. Or, you might strike out with
934aggressive behaviors, such as verbal or physical threats. Regardless, your relationships suffer and
935while you may temporarily feel strong and capable, you will eventually feel lonely and isolated.
936
937There are some advantages of assertive behavior. Here is a combined list from those provided by
938human relations experts:
939
940- You feel more self-confidence and self-esteem.
941- You experience respect from others, who recognize and value your personal strength.
942- Your relationships are strengthened by honest and caring communication.
943- You experience fewer conflicts and confrontations.
944- Your decision-making ability and acceptance of consequences are increased.
945- You feel better understood and feel that you understand others better.
946- You are comfortable in facilitating and helping others to reach their goals.
947- You have a better chance of getting what you want.
948- You feel more in control of your life.
949
950These benefits certainly build a case for assertiveness training. Who would not want to learn skills
951that address such rights? However, asserting yourself will not necessarily guarantee you happiness
952or fair treatment by others. It will not prevent conflicts from happening or solve oil your personal
953problems. There are no outcomes which guarantee that others will respond with assertive rather
954passive or aggressive behavior. Yet, the probability of healthy and productive relationships
955increases when you learn effective skills related to assertiveness.
956
957Assertiveness: A Learned Communication Skill
958
959The active listening and facilitative skills described in Topic 8 and Topic 9 of this course are
960fundamental in the best assertive behavior. When they are integrated into a person's everyday life
961and relationships, then you are more likely to be perceived as having an assertive personality or
962lifestyle. Assertive people are excellent communicators.
963
964A summary of assertive skills, as advocated by university counselors in Buffalo, New York, illustrates
965how the facilitative model is applicable. As a matter of review, let's take a look at them.
966
967How to Develop Assertive Skills (Posted in University Dorms).
968
969- Be direct, honest, and open about your feelings, opinions and needs. State reasonable
970requests directly and firmly. State your goals or intentions in a direct and honest manner. State
971your point of view without being hesitant or apologetic. Being responsible for your own
972behavior will let you feel good about yourself.
973- Do not let your friends, classmates etc impose or reinforce their behaviors, values and ideas
974on you. Instead, let them know what you think, feel and want.
975- Be honest when giving and receiving compliments. Never put down a compliment and don’t
976feel you must return one.
977- Learn to say no to unreasonable requests. Use the word "'no" and offer an explanation if you
978choose to. Do not apologize and do not make up excuses. Paraphrase the other person's point
979of view. This will let he/she know that you hear and understand the request.
980- Avoid "why" questions. "' Why" questions allow the listener to be defensive.
981- Recognize and respect the rights of your friends, classmates, roommates etc. For example if
982you are upset with them use "I" and "we"' statements to express your feelings, instead of
983blaming and finger pointing "you" statements.
984- When communicating with others use an appropriate tone of voice and body posture. Maintain
985eye contact. Tone of voice should be appropriate to the situation. Stand or sit at a comfortable
986distance from the other person. Gestures can be used to emphasize what is being said and the
987word "I" and "we" should be used in statements to convey your feelings. For example, it is more
988appropriate to say, "I am very disappointed that you didn't show up as plan", instead of saying,
989"Man, you are a jerk".
990- Ask for feedback.
991(From University at Buffalo CC, Buffalo, NY (Student Affairs, 2003)
992http://ub-counseling.buffalo.edu/assertiveness.html)
993
994In a similar sense, the active listening and facilitating skills (Topic 8 and Topic 9) can be applied to
995the five steps in assertive behavior, as advocated by Beebe and colleagues (2002). Although
996focusing primarily on conflict situations, they believed that you could develop assertiveness skills by
997implementing five suggestions.
998
999Describe. Describe your view of the situation. Cite examples. For instance, if a person is frequently
1000tardy to meetings and frustrating you because their late entrance is distracting and irritates other
1001group members, you might talk with the person and describe your observations. "One of the things
1002that I've noticed is that you are usually 15 minutes late to our weekly staff meetings"
1003
1004As you know from studying the systematic feedback model (Topic 8), this is the first step in a
1005confrontation. You can provide even more details but focus on the persons behaviors, not their
1006motivation or excuses. In addition, you speak confidently and calmly, while monitoring your nonverbal
1007behavior. After all, you are probably annoyed with the person at this point.
1008
1009Disclose. Disclose your feelings. After sharing your observations, let the person know how you feel.
1010This you will recall is the second part of the feedback model (Topic 8). It is in appropriate to say, "I
1011feel you don't take our meetings seriously."
1012
1013That's an opinion and presumptuous of what the person is feeling. In addition, you speak only for
1014yourself and not others. It also inappropriate to say, "Everyone here is tired of your coming the
1015meetings so late." Rather, you might say, "And when you enter late, I stop what I'm doing, look up,
1016and feel distracted It's not easy to concentrate and stay focused when interrupt by being late. It's
1017disruptive. "
1018
1019Identify Effects. Part of self-disclosure in giving feedback is describing the effects of the other
1020person's behavior on you. Look above at the last example of what you might say and see if you can
1021identify the part where the effects of the person's behavior are stated.
1022
1023Be Silent. Wait. Say nothing more at this point and wait for a response. This is not an easy thing to
1024do. The passive person wants to avoid conflict and tends to experience silence as rejection. He or
1025she may become more anxious and unsettled. The aggressive person wants to settle matters quickly
1026and usually talks too much and could become pushy or intimidating.
1027
1028Of course, facial expressions should not be contrary to your experience. If you are smiling or
1029grinning while remaining silent, then other person might get a mixed message and be unsure of what
1030you are really feeling and thinking.
1031
1032Paraphrase. After the person responds, paraphrase what you heard. Some writers, such as Beebe
1033and others (2002) use this term to describe what we have called a clarifyi1g or summarizing
1034response as part of the facilitative model. At this stage, you might also co1sider a feeling-focused
1035response (Topic 9).
1036
1037For instance, the person might say, "I'm sorry. I didn't realize that I was creating a problem. I have
1038another meeting that is a good distance from here and it often runs overtime. It's hard for me to get
1039here on time." You might then respond with something like this: "So, you have a time conflict with
1040another meeting and you're delayed getting here on time. It's frustrating to try to be at two places
1041at once."
1042
1043After listening attentively to the person, making feeling-focused responses and clarifying and
1044summarizing the key parts of the story, you may ask more questions. Or, you may move to the third
1045part of the feedback model (Topic 9) which tells the person what your feelings make you want to
1046say or do.
1047
1048For example, you might say, "Well, when you were late the first time, I took notice but we continued
1049with our meeting, although we had to catch you up. Your being late became a pattern and I found
1050myself getting more frustrated and more irritated. I decided to talk with you about it and see what
1051was up. Now, I have a better understanding of your situation; however, I also want to say that
1052something has to be worked out to eliminate the problem. What have you done so far to get here on
1053time?''
1054
1055That's right, you may recall the problem-solving model that was presented in Topic 10 The first key
1056question in that model is: "What is the problem or situation?" The second step is: "What have you
1057tried?" The next step: "What else could you do?" Then, brainstorming leads to the fourth part of the
1058model: "What's your next step?" The model is definitely suited for being assertive when there is a
1059problem to be resolved.
1060
1061Other Assertive Skills
1062
1063Use Repetition. This is a technique that can be used when it is important to take a steady position
1064and avoid veering off track through other kinds of messages and responses. You repeat the phrase
1065that emphasizes your point or wish. You are not attempting to convince the person with a logical
1066explanation or wish. For example,
1067
1068-"I need the report on my desk by 4:00 this :afternoon.
1069-"I know your busy and feeling pressed; however, I need that report on my desk by 4:00pm
1070today.
1071-"'You're saying it's not going to be easy and I appreciate the extra effort. However, the report
1072needs to be on my desk this afternoon by 4:00 p.m."
1073
1074The person can hardly miss the message. It's difficult to ignore when you calmly and forcefully repeat
1075the same basic message each time. The person eventually tends to quit m3king excuses and turn
1076their efforts to your request.
1077
1078Refuse Unreasonable Requests. You can turn down requests if they are unreasonable or if you don't
1079have the time or resources. For instance, suppose that someone asked you to do something that
1080made you uncomfortable or perhaps something that you thought was inappropriate. Simply say no.
1081For instance, you might say, "I'm sorry, but I can't do that." or "I'm sorry, it would make me feel too
1082uneasy and I can't help you with that." "Sorry, but it's just not me and I can't do it."
1083
1084If it's something that you could see yourself doing but the timing is not right or if you are feeling
1085overwhelmed, you might say, "Sorry, but I can't help you right now. I'm overwhelmed with what I have
1086going on and I couldn't give the attention it needs. However, I might be able to help tomorrow
1087afternoon. "Or, "I won't write your paper for you, but I'd be happy to talk with you about it."
1088
1089Responding first to a person's' feelings is very effective. "You're feeling really pushed right now and
1090unsure where to start. However, I'm overwhelmed myself and won't be able to help until later. How
1091about tomorrow afternoon?"
1092
1093Be diplomatic. You can express your ideas and opinions without offending others. Even when your
1094points could be painful there are times when you still have to take a stand. Be diplomatic in your
1095choice of words. For example, a kinder of way of taking a position is "I disagree" instead of "You're
1096wrong."
1097
1098You can also cushion your comments, such as: "Matthew presented some good ideas and he's put
1099some thought into them, but I just don't think this one will work, " instead of saying, "'That's stupid" or
1100"What in the world made you think that such a dumb thing would work."
1101
1102Be discreet. Some topics are difficult for people to talk about. Some people are very sensitive about
1103personal issues. Being discreet and perhaps meeting in private might be the best approach. For
1104example, "I'm worried about how to tell you this and it's' not easy for me, but I think you should know
1105that..." rather than, "I know that this going to hurt you, but as your friend I've got tell you something.
1106Do you want to hear it?"
1107
1108Be specific and give details. It is easier to hear criticism if the focus is on specific behaviors or facts,
1109especially things that are observable. For instance, "I read your paper and could see where you
1110were headed. However, in the second section I was lost. There are a lot of words that run together
1111and you may want to break up those paragraphs," instead of "You're sloppy and disorganized. This
1112paper is not a good effort on your part and you can do better."
1113
1114Focus on facts and not exaggerations. It's common for people to exaggerate in order to make a
1115point. It may be left over baggage from times when people didn't listen to them when they were
1116growing up or when they think their message would carry more weight if it were embellished. For
1117instance, "You were late for the third time this week, ·• instead of "You're never on time,"' or "'You're
1118always late." This only opens the door for argument because the facts are wrong.
1119
1120"I" not "Yo11" It's easy to slip into accusing or blaming people when you say "You" rather than "I."
1121Contrast these two statements: "I would like a chance to say something,"' instead of '"You've never
1122let anyone else talk. You always interrupt them."
1123
1124Be forceful but not a forceful bully. You can let your enthusiasm show. People can appreciate your
1125passion for something as you speak and the intensity that you bring to a situation. But, it does not
1126have to be fiery, intimidating, and spoken as a bully.
1127
1128When making requests, avoid phrases such as "you must" or "you have to" and choose words like "I'm
1129excited about this idea and want us to give it as much consideration as we can. I think it has great
1130potential."
1131
1132Behaviors such as glaring, shouting, slamming doors, throwing things, or invading others' personal
1133space are inappropriate. Getting close to somebody's face ("in their face"), pointing or jabbing
1134people, or grabbing their arm, are physically aggressive acts. This can scare and alienate people.
1135Others won't respect you if your behavior indicates that you don't respect them or that you are out
1136of control.
1137
1138Let your body language talk. When asserting yourself, your body can say a lot. Here are some
1139assertive techniques to keep in mind:
1140
1141- Look the person in the eye.
1142- Hold your body upright and avoid slumping down.
1143- Consciously relax your shoulders.
1144- Breathe normally and don't hold your breath or sigh.
1145- Keep your face relaxed and avoid the theatrics of a mime.
1146- Speak at a normal conversational volume and avoid yelling or whispering.
1147
1148Keep Your Cool Despite your best efforts to be direct and calm, other people will sometimes
1149behave like you're having an argument and they want to yell, criticize and goad you into saying or
1150doing something. Keep your head while others are losing theirs. Keep cool while tempers flare. You
1151might want to:
1152
1153- Tell the person you'll take up the subject again at another time, and leave.
1154- Steer the conversation back to the original point and try to understand the other person's
1155point of view. Use high facilitative responses (Topic 9)
1156- Recognize that there could be other issues motivating a person's behavior and that you are
1157not the problem.
1158- Be cautious about taking heat-of-the-moment criticisms to heart. Consider the situation, the
1159person, and time.
1160- When a meeting is concluded, think to yourself how things went and want might have been
1161done differently. Ask yourself, "What did I learn?''
1162
1163Fighting Fairly
1164
1165There are many occasions in a marriage or a long-time partnership where differences of opinion are
1166expressed and where conflicts can either be productive or destructive. "We fight over all kinds of
1167things," said one marriage partner. "Some of the stuff is trivial and just reflects the way we are and
1168how we were raised, but on occasion it gets down right dirty. I wonder, at times, if our marriage is
1169going to last."
1170
1171Bach and Deutsch (1970) talked about fighting fairly, as part of being an assertive person. Their
1172suggestions are frequently cited in texts about marriages and partnerships. A few of the
1173suggestions, as adapted, can be found in Figure 11.1.
1174
1175Beyond Contention
1176
1177Being assertive goes beyond taking a stand in a conflict. However, authors of human relations books
1178tend to give examples of assertiveness as applied to contentious situations. As we have moved
1179through this discussion of assertiveness, most of the examples have been aimed in this direction.
1180
1181First, it's possible to view the three interpersonal styles (passive, aggressive, and assertive) as
1182being alternative behaviors and that it is an over simplification to think of a single best style that
1183disparages some people's actions.
1184
1185Some writers (e.g., Wilmot & Hocker, 2001) have built a case for tactics rather than interpersonal
1186styles or personalities. They suggest that about 50% of the population change their interpersonal
1187"style" from one situation to another. They also believe that some situations may call for aggressive
1188means, such as when it is essential to get a person's attention and you shout. Or, to make
1189threatening statements when you are being abused or when your safety is in question and the
1190person won't stop his or her actions.
1191
1192Along these lines, Adler and his colleagues (2004) suggested that being flexible is a characteristic
1193of competent communicators. They proposed three factors that influence 3 style or tactic that could
1194be used:
1195
1196The Situation. Who has the power base? If your boss insists that you do something immediately and
1197disregards the task that you need to finish, it is likely that you will respond to his or her wishes
1198without comment. If you asserted yourself and said, "When you use that tone of voice with me,
1199abruptly interrupt me, and expect me to drop everything to do sometime for you, I resent it and
1200have to think about it for awhile." Hmmm? I suppose such a statement, although assertive, could cost
1201you your job. Likewise, I doubt if an aggressive statement, such as "The trouble with you is your
1202inconsiderate. Quit being such a jerk and do it yourself, "will not work well either. The most likely
1203response is to accommodate the boss at the moment and be assertive later.
1204
1205The Other Person. The receiver of a message is as important in communication as the sender. There
1206are unique differences among people and they can be consistent or unpredictable. It's been
1207proposed that some people respond to some styles better than others. Some people are not
1208offended or put-off by a person with an aggressive style. "I just don't take it personally." There are
1209some people who are not invested in a situation and who have other goals so that being passive is
1210an easy route for them. "I suppose I could complain and try to make things different, but it's a job
1211that I've mastered and I'm 1ot going to let it consume my life. I've got other things to do."
1212
1213Your Goals. Being an assertive person or choosing assertiveness, as a tactic is effective in
1214problem-solving. Being a facilitator calls for your best communication skills 3nd being assertive.
1215However, there might be times when your goal and desired outcome affect how you respond.
1216
1217You can be passive when a discourteous driver cuts you off and shouts something about your skills.
1218The incident can be tolerated and even forgotten about in short time. You can be aggressive if
1219somebody jumps in your face and pushes you back with a pointed finger. If you can resist the urge
1220to break the finger, you might walk away and say, "You obviously don't care about other people's
1221feelings or opinions. You are a poor listener and I'm out of here."
1222
1223Overall, the assertive style described in this topic is one that works well in the most situations and is
1224most effective in terms of communication. You can take a stand and you cant set limits. You can
1225compliment or confront someone. You win more friends and gain more cooperation from others with
1226an assertive style rather than being passive or aggressive, if those things are important to you.
1227Assertiveness is about your rights and the rights of other, but it is also about the consequences
1228that can be anticipated because of certain behaviors.
1229
1230Developing an assertive lifestyle has the advantage of giving you more self-confidence. You will feel
1231more in control and feel like standing up and being counted. You will be able to form close and caring
1232relationships. You will experience more intimacy and feel more respected by those who play a
1233significant part in your life.
1234
1235Instead of waiting to react to people, you can be assertive through advocacy. You might have cause
1236that is related to your values and beliefs. While the passive person may be indifferent and while the
1237aggressive person too much of zealot to influence others, you may be the right person to advocate
1238for a special group that has a humanitarian mission.
1239
1240Although it is possible to view the interpersonal styles as isolated behaviors or part of strategy, it is
1241evident that people do tend to favor an interpersonal style. They behave accordingly more often
1242than not. Assertive people, if it is their style, are more fully aware of the impact of their behaviors,
1243their lifestyle, and the ripple effects that they have on others.
1244
1245Topic 12 -- Conflict Management
1246
1247The Nature of Conflict, Responses, and lssueS
1248
1249"It's easy to throw a stone into the raging river, but rather difficult to get it out "--Unknown--
1250
1251Conflicts are part of life. They spring from our encounters with the environment and, above all, from
1252our interactions with one another. Even though everyone is inclined to want his or her own way, not
1253all conflict must end in aggression or violence. There are peaceful and productive solutions in which
1254conflict is managed and resolved. These are among the most valuable lessons about life that we can
1255learn and apply.
1256
1257We know that conflicts can and do take place among nations. Hopefully, they are managed and
1258resolved before wars occur. However, according to newspaper accounts from around the globe,
1259wars are taking place everyday. Peace only comes when people are able to resolve their differences
1260to the extent that they can live together without aggression.
1261
1262In a sense, there are a multitude of tiny wars taking place among people everywhere. Some are more
1263intense than others. Some make headlines. Others are prolonged and eventually take their toll on the
1264participants. It behooves us to know more about bow communication skills can play a part in
1265managing and resolving conflicts.
1266
1267The Nature of Conflict
1268
1269Conflict may involve struggles, disagreements, disputes, or quarrels. They occur when individuals
1270attempt to reach their goals and are interfered with, or blocked, by the actions of others who are, in
1271turn, attempting to reach their goals (Johnson. 2003). Conflict has also been defined as an
1272expressed struggle between at least two independent parties who perceive incompatible goals,
1273scarce rewards, and interference from the other party in achieving their goals (Wilmot & Hocker,
12742001 ).
1275
1276This might be a good time to think about some of the conflicts that you have experienced. When
1277were some times this week that you had conflicts with other people? What kind of actions took
1278place during the conflicts? What part did you play and how did things turn out?
1279
1280Sometimes people express their stress and frustration in a conflict with angry shouting, as many
1281parents do when they want to exert authority with their children. It is a form of verbal fighting in a
1282battle for control. In other situations, people try to carry on restrained and logical discussions, such
1283as those in a court of law or perhaps in labor-management negotiations. At other times, conflict is
1284managed through a passive silence, which tends to keep an unspoken feud active. "Out of sight, out
1285of mind" works for some people, who walk away and put distance between themselves and those
1286with whom they are having conflict. Then, there are times when physical aggression takes place and
1287people's lives are endangered.
1288
1289In order for a conflict to exist, the parties involved must be aware that there is a disagreement.
1290Somebody might be upset for months because a neighbor parks his car so that it takes up two
1291spaces in the apartment complex, but there is no conflict until the neighbor is confronted and told
1292about the problem. It is possible to communicate displeasure and conflict through nonverbal
1293behaviors, such as a frown or a scowl, but the message can be unclear and the problem still might
1294rest with the person sending dirty looks.
1295
1296How people perceive matters is a major source of conflicts. If people believe that there is not
1297enough of something to go around, then a conflict can occur. In this sense, people feel conflicted
1298over such things as money, space, attention, affection, and time.
1299
1300For instance, if a father devotes a lot of time to his job, family members may complain that he is not
1301spending enough time with them. When he is at home, he may feel the need to find some alone time
1302in order to gather personal resources and strength needed in his job. But this is contrary to family
1303wishes; they want him to do something with them.
1304
1305In another case, a child may need a ride to a friend's house or to participate in an athletic event that
1306begins at a time that conflicts with the parents' plans or other commitments. There is only so much
1307time in each day and there are so many demands one's time.
1308
1309There are a great number of opportunities to do things in life. Choices have to be made, based on
1310personal perceptions, values, needs, and interests. These may be contrary or incompatible to the
1311choices that others in one's life are making or want to make.
1312
1313A basic principle about the nature of conflict is that the people involved are somehow dependent
1314upon each other. The welfare and satisfaction of one depends on the actions of another. Otherwise,
1315there would be no conflict. The failure to recognize this interdependence can be a barrier in working
1316things out. Consequently, a first step in resolving conflict is to have the mind set that "this involves
1317all of us."
1318
1319Conflicts are inevitable, no matter how hard you try to avoid them, even when you are involved in
1320relationships that you prize. In one survey (Samter & Cupach, 1998), 81% of respondents said that
1321they had conflicts with friends. When other researchers (Vuchinick, 1987) studied dinner
1322conversations among 52 families, they found an average of 3.3 conflicted incidents per meal.
1323
1324Apparently, longevity in a relationship plays a part in the frequency of conflicts that occur, especially
1325in marriages. For example, married partners of 40 years or more said that they had fewer conflicts
1326than when they were younger and in the beginning of the relationship. Perhaps the issues that
1327confronted them were no longer present, such as raising children, money worries, getting along with
1328in-laws, and job security. Some might say that they had reached the stage where they were too
1329tired to have as many conflicts and others might add that they had gained experience in how to
1330manage their differences. Nevertheless, conflicts were still part of their lives, although the issues
1331changed to matters such as health, retirement needs, and ways to spend time.
1332
1333Whenever conflicts happen, they can lead to either destructive or constructive outcomes. To obtain
1334constructive results you must have a set of procedures for managing the process of resolving the
1335conflict, an opportunity to put the procedures into practice, and a general sense of what might be
1336reasonably expected in the situation. The latter involves social and personal norms and personal
1337perceptions. Most especially, everyone needs be able to communicate effectively if conflicts are to
1338be managed constructively.
1339
1340Five Basic Responses to Conflict
1341
1342Some organizations have examined the ways people respond to conflict. Let's take a look at the five
1343basic kinds of responses to conflict. Later we will look at these when they are cast into management
1344styles.
1345
1346Competition. Winning is highly valued in our society. From the time a child can walk and talk, winning is
1347emphasized by most parents. Later, school administrators, teachers and coaches reinforce it as
1348children compete against one another for academic grades and in sports. Even though competition
1349also creates tension and worry, the special recognition, prizes, and honors that come to winners
1350produce a thrill of victory and a driving force in life.
1351
1352Competition is considered the backbone of our economic and academic society. People compete to
1353get ahead of others in order to win business, scholarships, and the respect and acceptance of
1354others. Men and women compete against others to win the attention and affection that leads to
1355marriage or long-term relationships and their children, in turn, compete for their parents' attention
1356and approval.
1357
1358A competitive style in a conflict can be helpful at times. It can be appropriate in an emergency, when
1359someone needs to take control and act quickly. There may not be enough time to talk about
1360consequences, to discuss possible alternatives, or to worry about the feelings of others. For
1361example, grabbing and jerking a child away from the front of a speeding car may be a most
1362appropriate action. The most important thing is to get the child out of life threatening danger.
1363
1364Likewise, a game based on competition is boring if the players do not put their best efforts forward
1365in trying to win. Without genuine competition, a win may feel hollow. However, these are conflicts by
1366design and staged for entertainment. Even then, winners are usually determined to use their skills
1367and resources to dominate an opponent.
1368
1369Stress, tension, forcefulness, desire for dominance, and an intense striving toward a final goal
1370characterize competition. Some people become abrasive, if not abusive, or might be indifferent or
1371unconcerned about relationships. Unfortunately, winning at any cost has increasingly invaded the
1372values of our society and being a winner is sometimes valued more than having positive relationships
1373with others. It is a win/lose situation.
1374
1375Avoidance. While some people thrive on competition and enjoy it, others try to avoid it. They
1376withdraw rather than compete. They find competition and conflict too stressful or even painful. They
1377often choose to avoid arguments, escape, hide, or deny what is happening.
1378
1379This style can be useful on occasion. For example, when a physical danger exists, it might be wise to
1380pull away and leave the anticipated trouble behind. If there is little time to think through the
1381consequences of an action, perhaps it is best to avoid making a hasty decision that could be
1382regretted later. If the resolution of the conflict can be postponed without hurting others, then the
1383avoidance of making a quick decision might be best. Avoidance does not, of course, necessarily
1384resolve the conflict, but it can be used to deal with a problem at a more opportune time. It is a
1385helpful strategy for those who are careful in picking their fights or conflicts.
1386
1387Accommodation. Accommodation might be viewed as a form of avoidance. Rather than press an issue
1388or pick a fight, a person may find that little is lost by giving in to someone. The issue is not important
1389enough for a struggle. For example, you and your friends might argue over which movie to see on a
1390particular night. You could chose to be accommodating and go along with what others decide.
1391
1392Accommodation can be useful when one person's needs are greater than others or when having
1393one's way is pointless. However, when accommodation results in bitterness, anger, frustration, and
1394spite, then it is questionable. It is also risky when used frequently with a bully or someone who is
1395used to getting his or his own way, as it reinforces that style of resolving conflict. Accommodation is
1396easier when the person who is being accommodated recognizes the ideas and feelings of the one
1397who is giving up.
1398
1399Compromise. Compromise is almost always a desired strategy because all parties benefit. A solution
1400is found that is acceptable to all, even if each of the participants did not get exactly what was
1401originally proposed. For example, if a disagreement on what movie to see continues, then a
1402compromise might be reached when one person picks the movie this time and then the next time it
1403becomes another person's choice.
1404
1405Compromise works well when there is time to explore options and a chance of finding a suitable
1406solution. However, the pitfall is when people do not follow through with the solution or try to
1407maneuver the situation to get their way and force the other person to be accommodating.
1408Compromise may not be satisfying when there is not enough time to think of additional alternatives
1409and to work things out. Quickly agreeing to a compromise without careful thought can generate
1410feelings of resentment even though it was a choice.
1411
1412Compromise has sometimes been viewed as taking a neutral or middle of the road stance. It may not
1413be a bad choice and has the advantage of taking everything into consideration.
1414
1415People talk about the middle of the road as though it were unacceptable. Actually, all human
1416problems, excepting morals, come into the gra)l areas Things are not all black and white There have
1417to be compromises The middle of the road is all of the usable --Dwight D Eisenhower--
1418
1419Collaboration. Collaboration is probably the most satisfactory way to resolve conflict, although it
1420typically requires more time to think through the possible actions. It takes time to explore
1421alternatives, to identify the issues, the possible consequences, and how the process will affect
1422relationships. Of course, the future cannot be predicted with great accuracy but it's likely that
1423collaboration will increase your odds for achieving the most rewarding outcomes to all parties
1424involved.
1425
1426Because people have their own viewpoints, interests, and needs, there are bound to be conflicts in
1427life. Conflicts are natural but need not be personally destructive. Some are more complex and
1428intense than others. Many minor disagreements can be tolerated and even dismissed in time. Others
1429may escalate and people become more hostile, perhaps even violent.
1430
1431The Mismanagement Of Conflict
1432
1433Although we experienced family conflicts early in life and perhaps learned our first lessons about
1434conflict management through modeling family members, most of us learned to deal with interpersonal
1435conflicts in elementary, middle, and high school. In recent years, most school systems have
1436implemented violence prevention programs. Even when schools penalize those who bully or fight with
1437others, these behaviors continue to occur.
1438
1439Most public school systems deal with conflict through such traditional approaches as denying
1440participation in student activities, after-school or in-school detention, out-of-school suspension,
1441expulsion, and court interventions. Punishment is typically a passing of time with a denial of
1442privileges. The assumption is that awareness of such consequences will deter conflict and related
1443problems. We grew up in such systems and, subsequently, that's how most of us learned to deal with
1444conflicts. There are better ways.
1445
1446Bullying: Seeds of Violent Conflicts
1447
1448Estimates suggest that at least 15% of all students are bullied in elementary school and that other
1449students threaten approximately 4.B million children in the U.S. Young students are bullied on buses
1450and in hallways, bathrooms, and classrooms. Every day about 200,000 students skip classes or do
1451not attend school because of fear of harm from bullies (Shakeshaft, et. al., 1995).
1452
1453Bullying includes name calling, put-downs, cruel teasing, saying or writing nasty things about others,
1454deliberately excluding certain people from activities, not talking to certain people, threatening bodily
1455harm, taking or damaging other's things, hitting, pinching, shoving or kicking, and making people do
1456things they don't want to do. It is the most common form of violence in our society and it is what
1457drives the culture of violence. Dominating males and females bully people whom they perceive as
1458weaker and less powerful (Weinhold, 2002).
1459
1460Tom Brown (1999), the founder of the Broken Toy Project and leader of school workshops on
1461bullying, asked kids to describe who gets bullied. Here is what they told him, in their words:
1462
1463- New kids
1464- Fat kids
1465- Skinny kids
1466- Boys that suck in sports
1467- Boys that act like fags
1468- Lesbians
1469- Kids who are smart
1470- Kids who are dumb
1471- Geeks
1472- Computer-freaks
1473- Kids who wear geeky out of style clothes
1474- Kids who stink and smell
1475-Teacher's pets
1476- Kids with messy hair
1477- Retarded kids
1478- Kids who talk funny
1479- Minority kids
1480- Kids in wheel chairs
1481- Kids who get good grades
1482- Girls with blonde hair
1483- Kids with curly hair
1484- Kids with freckles
1485- Kids with funny looking ears and or noses
1486- Kids with diseases
1487
1488In other words, just about any kid in a school can become a target of a bully. All they have to do is
1489be different in some way that causes them to stand out. If they react in ways that imply weakness or
1490shame or that reinforces the bully, things tend to get worse.
1491
1492Why do kids bully? Some S3Y it because of low self-esteem and that they feel powerful threatening
1493and pushing others around. They do it for attention. Some are mean-spirited, insensitive and don't
1494care about others' rights and feelings. One said, "'It's cool and you can get a lot of friends if you're
1495tough."
1496
1497Why not fight back? The fear of instant retaliation, being ganged up on by friends of a bully or
1498getting in trouble with school and parents can keep people from fighting back. What do you do when
1499you see somebody being bullied? The most popular answer by students in school was: run over and
1500watch.
1501
1502People can physically bully others by hitting and pushing with their hands or fists, by slapping or
1503kicking, and by bumping into them. They also can verbally bully others by calling them insulting names
1504or belittling them with threats and hurtful words. Some have mastered the art of bullying with stares,
1505frowns, and glares.
1506
1507More handguns are being brought to school than ever before. About 80% of the kids who take guns
1508to school say that they do it for show and the other 20% say it is because they feel pressured to
1509defend themselves against bullies (McWhirter, et. al., 1998).
1510
1511Do you remember seeing kids being bullied physically or with words when you were growing up? Did
1512somebody ever bully you? Have you ever been a bully?
1513
1514The chances are that the answer to each of these questions is yes. You can probably think of
1515incidents where you were an observer and when you were directly involved. One implication is that
1516we learn from such experiences, and those lessons are negative ones.
1517
1518Therefore, the chances are that when you are in a conflict, one option that you may consider or take
1519- at a conscious or unconscious awareness level- is bullying. We may not be as violent as some and
1520most of us may tend to rely primarily on words, but bullying behavior is in our repertoire of ways to
1521react to conflict. One important way to make sure that we don't mismanagement conflict situations is
1522to increase our awareness and improve our communication skills.
1523
1524Date Violence
1525
1526Puppy love in elementary school turns to fascination for the opposite sex in middle schools. When
1527puberty arrives, interest in sex takes a new turn and young people want to date. Dating can be as
1528benign as talking frequently on the telephone to touching in school hallways. For some people, their
1529first sexual experiences began in middle school. In high school, dating and going out is common and
1530traditional for teenagers. They listen to music, go to movies, and walk the malls, dance, and pet.
1531Some become more sexually active. Dating is part of the American social scene.
1532
1533When people are first drawn to one another, there are few conflicts. Everyone is on his or her best
1534behavior, hoping to make a good impression. When people first begin to date, sensitivity to one
1535another increases and many potential conflicts are ignored or dismissed. Love is grand. But, as we
1536know, conflicts in life are inevitable.
1537
1538It may seem strange that some people who are attracted to one another and who want to spend
1539more time together resolve their conflicts through bullying. Bullies in elementary and middle schools
1540grow up to physically and verbally bully partners in high school and college dating relationships.
1541Bullying can lead to violence in the form of sexual assault, physical attacks, and verbal emotional
1542abuse.
1543
1544Estimates vary because studies and surveys use different methods and definitions of date violence,
1545but it is clear that violent behavior in courtship is not a rare event. Data from a study of Bth and 9th
1546grade male and female students indicated that 25% had been victims of nonsexual dating violence
1547and B% had been sexually assaulted. Summarizing many studies, the average prevalence for
1548nonsexual dating violence is 22% among and female high school students and 32% among college
1549students. Females are more likely than males to report being victims of violence.
1550
1551In one national study of college students, 27.5% of the women surveyed said that they had suffered
1552rape or attempted rape at least once since age 14. Only 5% of the experiences were reported to
1553the police. Sexual assault is a very personal, demeaning, and violating act that hurts and confuses
1554many victims. They worry that they may have done something to encourage the violence and so they
1555stay silent.
1556
1557Over half of a representative sample of more than 1,000 female students at a large urban university
1558had experienced some form of unwanted sex. About 12% of these acts were perpetrated by casual
1559dates and 43% by steady dating partners (Abbey, et. al., 1996).
1560
1561A National Crime Victimization survey found that women were six times more likely than men to
1562experience violence at the hands of an intimate partner. Intimate partners include dating partners,
1563boyfriends, girlfriends, and current or former spouses, regardless of whether they are cohabiting or
1564not (Bachman & Saltzman, 1995).
1565
1566Friends or acquaintances committed nearly half of the 500,000 rapes and sexual assaults reported
1567to the police by women of all ages. From 80% to 95% of the rapes that occur on college campuses
1568are committed by someone known to the victim.
1569
1570Studies of male perpetrators report that they are often aggressive with peers, heavy alcohol or
1571drug users, and they accept bullying and violence as means of solving conflicts, demonstrating
1572power, or getting their way. In addition, there is an assumption among some men that when they
1573initiate a date, serve as the driver, and pay for expenses that they are entitled to sexual favors.
1574When women disagree, there is a conflict.
1575
1576Men who have a family history of observing or experiencing abuse are more likely to inflict abuse,
1577violence, and sexual aggression in dating and marriage relationships. Also, as the consumption of
1578alcohol by either the victim or perpetrator increases, the rate of serious injuries associated with
1579dating violence also increases. Perpetrators are typically poor communicators who become more
1580insensitive when frustrated.