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1How To Win Friends And Influence People
2By
3Dale Carnegie
4--------------
5Copyright - 1936 / 1964 / 1981 (Revised Edition)
6Library of Congress Catalog Number - 17-19-20-18
7ISBN - O-671-42517-X
8Scan Version : v 1.0
9Format : Text with cover pictures.
10Date Scanned: Unknown
11Posted to (Newsgroup): alt.binaries.e-book
12Scan/Edit Note: I have made minor changes to this work, including a
13contents page, covers etc. I did not scan this work (I only have the
141964 version) but decided to edit it since I am working on Dale's
15other book "How To Stop Worrying and Start Living" and thought it
16best to make minor improvements. Parts 5 and 6 were scanned and
17added to this version by me, they were not included (for some
18reason) in the version which appeared on alt.binaries.e-book.
19-Salmun
20--------------
21Contents:
22Eight Things This Book Will Help You Achieve
23Preface to Revised Edition
24How This Book Was Written-And Why
25Nine Suggestions on How to Get the Most Out of This Book
26A Shortcut to Distinction
27Part 1 - Fundamental Techniques In Handling People
28• 1 - "If You Want to Gather Honey, Don't Kick Over the Beehive"
29• 2 - The Big Secret of Dealing with People
30• 3 - "He Who Can Do This Has the Whole World with Him. He Who
31Cannot, Walks a Lonely Way"
32• Eight Suggestions On How To Get The Most Out Of This Book
33Part 2 - Six Ways To Make People Like You
34• 1 - Do This and You'll Be Welcome Anywhere
35• 2 - A Simple Way to Make a Good Impression
36• 3 - If You Don't Do This, You Are Headed for Trouble
37• 4 - An Easy Way to Become a Good Conversationalist
38• 5 - How to Interest People 
39• 6 - How To Make People Like You Instantly
40• In A Nutshell
41Part 3 - Twelve Ways To Win People To Your Way Of Thinking
42• 1 - You Can't Win an Argument
43• 2 - A Sure Way of Making Enemies—and How to Avoid It
44• 3 - If You're Wrong, Admit It
45• 4 - The High Road to a Man's Reason
46• 5 - The Secret of Socrates
47• 6 - The Safety Valve in Handling Complaints
48• 7 - How to Get Co-operation
49• 8 - A Formula That Will Work Wonders for You
50• 9 - What Everybody Wants
51• 10 - An Appeal That Everybody Likes
52• 11 - The Movies Do It. Radio Does It. Why Don't You Do It?
53• 12 - When Nothing Else Works, Try This
54• In A Nutshell
55Part 4 - Nine Ways To Change People Without Giving Offence Or
56Arousing Resentment
57• 1 - If You Must Find Fault, This Is the Way to Begin
58• 2 - How to Criticize—and Not Be Hated for It
59• 3 - Talk About Your Own Mistakes First
60• 4 - No One Likes to Take Orders
61• 5 - Let the Other Man Save His Face
62• 6 - How to Spur Men on to Success
63• 7 - Give the Dog a Good Name
64• 8 - Make the Fault Seem Easy to Correct
65• 9 - Making People Glad to Do What You Want
66• In A Nutshell
67Part 5 - Letters That Produced Miraculous Results
68Part 6 - Seven Rules For Making Your Home Life Happier
69• 1 - How to Dig Your Marital Grave in the Quickest Possible Way
70• 2 - Love and Let Live
71• 3 - Do This and You'll Be Looking Up the Time-Tables to Reno
72• 4 - A Quick Way to Make Everybody Happy
73• 5 - They Mean So Much to a Woman
74• 6 - If you Want to be Happy, Don't Neglect This One
75• 7 - Don't Be a "Marriage Illiterate"
76• In A Nutshell
77--------------
78Eight Things This Book Will Help You Achieve 
79• 1. Get out of a mental rut, think new thoughts, acquire new
80visions, discover new ambitions.
81• 2. Make friends quickly and easily.
82• 3. Increase your popularity.
83• 4. Win people to your way of thinking.
84• 5. Increase your influence, your prestige, your ability to get things
85done.
86• 6. Handle complaints, avoid arguments, keep your human contacts
87smooth and pleasant.
88• 7. Become a better speaker, a more entertaining conversationalist.
89• 8. Arouse enthusiasm among your associates.
90This book has done all these things for more than ten million readers
91in thirty-six languages.
92--------------
93Preface to Revised Edition
94How to Win Friends and Influence People was first published in 1937
95in an edition of only five thousand copies. Neither Dale Carnegie nor
96the publishers, Simon and Schuster, anticipated more than this
97modest sale. To their amazement, the book became an overnight
98sensation, and edition after edition rolled off the presses to keep up
99with the increasing public demand. Now to Win Friends and
100InfEuence People took its place in publishing history as one of the
101all-time international best-sellers. It touched a nerve and filled a
102human need that was more than a faddish phenomenon of postDepression
103days, as evidenced by its continued and uninterrupted
104sales into the eighties, almost half a century later.
105Dale Carnegie used to say that it was easier to make a million dollars
106than to put a phrase into the English language. How to Win Friends
107and Influence People became such a phrase, quoted, paraphrased,
108parodied, used in innumerable contexts from political cartoon to
109novels. The book itself was translated into almost every known
110written language. Each generation has discovered it anew and has
111found it relevant.
112Which brings us to the logical question: Why revise a book that has
113proven and continues to prove its vigorous and universal appeal?
114Why tamper with success?
115To answer that, we must realize that Dale Carnegie himself was a
116tireless reviser of his own work during his lifetime. How to Win
117Friends and Influence People was written to be used as a textbook
118for his courses in Effective Speaking and Human Relations and is still
119used in those courses today. Until his death in 1955 he constantly
120improved and revised the course itself to make it applicable to the
121evolving needs of an every-growing public. No one was more 
122sensitive to the changing currents of present-day life than Dale
123Carnegie. He constantly improved and refined his methods of
124teaching; he updated his book on Effective Speaking several times.
125Had he lived longer, he himself would have revised How to Win
126Friends and Influence People to better reflect the changes that have
127taken place in the world since the thirties.
128Many of the names of prominent people in the book, well known at
129the time of first publication, are no longer recognized by many of
130today's readers. Certain examples and phrases seem as quaint and
131dated in our social climate as those in a Victorian novel. The
132important message and overall impact of the book is weakened to
133that extent.
134Our purpose, therefore, in this revision is to clarify and strengthen
135the book for a modern reader without tampering with the content.
136We have not "changed" How to Win Friends and Influence People
137except to make a few excisions and add a few more contemporary
138examples. The brash, breezy Carnegie style is intact-even the thirties
139slang is still there. Dale Carnegie wrote as he spoke, in an intensively
140exuberant, colloquial, conversational manner.
141So his voice still speaks as forcefully as ever, in the book and in his
142work. Thousands of people all over the world are being trained in
143Carnegie courses in increasing numbers each year. And other
144thousands are reading and studying How to Win Friends and
145lnfluence People and being inspired to use its principles to better
146their lives. To all of them, we offer this revision in the spirit of the
147honing and polishing of a finely made tool.
148Dorothy Carnegie (Mrs. Dale Carnegie)
149--------------------------
150How This Book Was Written-And Why
151by
152Dale Carnegie
153During the first thirty-five years of the twentieth century, the
154publishing houses of America printed more than a fifth of a million
155different books. Most of them were deadly dull, and many were
156financial failures. "Many," did I say? The president of one of the
157largest publishing houses in the world confessed to me that his
158company, after seventy-five years of publishing experience, still lost
159money on seven out of every eight books it published.
160Why, then, did I have the temerity to write another book? And, after
161I had written it, why should you bother to read it?
162Fair questions, both; and I'll try to answer them. 
163I have, since 1912, been conducting educational courses for business
164and professional men and women in New York. At first, I conducted
165courses in public speaking only - courses designed to train adults, by
166actual experience, to think on their feet and express their ideas with
167more clarity, more effectiveness and more poise, both in business
168interviews and before groups.
169But gradually, as the seasons passed, I realized that as sorely as
170these adults needed training in effective speaking, they needed still
171more training in the fine art of getting along with people in everyday
172business and social contacts.
173I also gradually realized that I was sorely in need of such training
174myself. As I look back across the years, I am appalled at my own
175frequent lack of finesse and understanding. How I wish a book such
176as this had been placed in my hands twenty years ago! What a
177priceless boon it would have been.
178Dealing with people is probably the biggest problem you face,
179especially if you are in business. Yes, and that is also true if you are
180a housewife, architect or engineer. Research done a few years ago
181under the auspices of the Carnegie Foundation for the Advancement
182of Teaching uncovered a most important and significant fact - a fact
183later confirmed by additional studies made at the Carnegie Institute
184of Technology. These investigations revealed that even in such
185technical lines as engineering, about 15 percent of one's financial
186success is due to one's technical knowledge and about 85 percent is
187due to skill in human engineering-to personality and the ability to
188lead people.
189For many years, I conducted courses each season at the Engineers'
190Club of Philadelphia, and also courses for the New York Chapter of
191the American Institute of Electrical Engineers. A total of probably
192more than fifteen hundred engineers have passed through my
193classes. They came to me because they had finally realized, after
194years of observation and experience, that the highest-paid personnel
195in engineering are frequently not those who know the most about
196engineering. One can for example, hire mere technical ability in
197engineering, accountancy, architecture or any other profession at
198nominal salaries. But the person who has technical knowledge plus
199the ability to express ideas, to assume leadership, and to arouse
200enthusiasm among people-that person is headed for higher earning
201power.
202In the heyday of his activity, John D. Rockefeller said that "the ability
203to deal with people is as purchasable a commodity as sugar or
204coffee." "And I will pay more for that ability," said John D., "than for
205any other under the sun." 
206Wouldn't you suppose that every college in the land would conduct
207courses to develop the highest-priced ability under the sun? But if
208there is just one practical, common-sense course of that kind given
209for adults in even one college in the land, it has escaped my
210attention up to the present writing.
211The University of Chicago and the United Y.M.C.A. Schools conducted
212a survey to determine what adults want to study.
213That survey cost $25,000 and took two years. The last part of the
214survey was made in Meriden, Connecticut. It had been chosen as a
215typical American town. Every adult in Meriden was interviewed and
216requested to answer 156 questions-questions such as "What is your
217business or profession? Your education? How do you spend your
218spare time? What is your income? Your hobbies? Your ambitions?
219Your problems? What subjects are you most interested in studying?"
220And so on. That survey revealed that health is the prime interest of
221adults and that their second interest is people; how to understand
222and get along with people; how to make people like you; and how to
223win others to your way of thinking.
224So the committee conducting this survey resolved to conduct such a
225course for adults in Meriden. They searched diligently for a practical
226textbook on the subject and found-not one. Finally they approached
227one of the world's outstanding authorities on adult education and
228asked him if he knew of any book that met the needs of this group.
229"No," he replied, "I know what those adults want. But the book they
230need has never been written."
231I knew from experience that this statement was true, for I myself
232had been searching for years to discover a practical, working
233handbook on human relations.
234Since no such book existed, I have tried to write one for use in my
235own courses. And here it is. I hope you like it.
236In preparation for this book, I read everything that I could find on
237the subject- everything from newspaper columns, magazine articles,
238records of the family courts, the writings of the old philosophers and
239the new psychologists. In addition, I hired a trained researcher to
240spend one and a half years in various libraries reading everything I
241had missed, plowing through erudite tomes on psychology, poring
242over hundreds of magazine articles, searching through countless
243biographies, trying to ascertain how the great leaders of all ages had
244dealt with people. We read their biographies, We read the life stories
245of all great leaders from Julius Caesar to Thomas Edison. I recall that
246we read over one hundred biographies of Theodore Roosevelt alone.
247We were determined to spare no time, no expense, to discover every
248practical idea that anyone had ever used throughout the ages for
249winning friends and influencing people. 
250I personally interviewed scores of successful people, some of them
251world-famous-inventors like Marconi and Edison; political leaders like
252Franklin D. Roosevelt and James Farley; business leaders like Owen
253D. Young; movie stars like Clark Gable and Mary Pickford; and
254explorers like Martin Johnson-and tried to discover the techniques
255they used in human relations.
256From all this material, I prepared a short talk. I called it "How to Win
257Friends and Influence People." I say "short." It was short in the
258beginning, but it soon expanded to a lecture that consumed one
259hour and thirty minutes. For years, I gave this talk each season to
260the adults in the Carnegie Institute courses in New York.
261I gave the talk and urged the listeners to go out and test it in their
262business and social contacts, and then come back to class and speak
263about their experiences and the results they had achieved. What an
264interesting assignment! These men and women, hungry for selfimprovement,
265were fascinated by the idea of working in a new kind
266of laboratory - the first and only laboratory of human relationships
267for adults that had ever existed.
268This book wasn't written in the usual sense of the word. It grew as a
269child grows. It grew and developed out of that laboratory, out of the
270experiences of thousands of adults.
271Years ago, we started with a set of rules printed on a card no larger
272than a postcard. The next season we printed a larger card, then a
273leaflet, then a series of booklets, each one expanding in size and
274scope. After fifteen years of experiment and research came this
275book.
276The rules we have set down here are not mere theories or
277guesswork. They work like magic. Incredible as it sounds, I have
278seen the application of these principles literally revolutionize the lives
279of many people.
280To illustrate: A man with 314 employees joined one of these courses.
281For years, he had driven and criticized and condemned his
282employees without stint or discretion. Kindness, words of
283appreciation and encouragement were alien to his lips. After studying
284the principles discussed in this book, this employer sharply altered
285his philosophy of life. His organization is now inspired with a new
286loyalty, a new enthusiasm, a new spirit of team-work. Three hundred
287and fourteen enemies have been turned into 314 friends. As he
288proudly said in a speech before the class: "When I used to walk
289through my establishment, no one greeted me. My employees
290actually looked the other way when they saw me approaching. But
291now they are all my friends and even the janitor calls me by my first
292name." 
293This employer gained more profit, more leisure and -what is infinitely
294more important-he found far more happiness in his business and in
295his home.
296Countless numbers of salespeople have sharply increased their sales
297by the use of these principles. Many have opened up new accounts -
298accounts that they had formerly solicited in vain. Executives have
299been given increased authority, increased pay. One executive
300reported a large increase in salary because he applied these truths.
301Another, an executive in the Philadelphia Gas Works Company, was
302slated for demotion when he was sixty-five because of his
303belligerence, because of his inability to lead people skillfully. This
304training not only saved him from the demotion but brought him a
305promotion with increased pay.
306On innumerable occasions, spouses attending the banquet given at
307the end of the course have told me that their homes have been
308much happier since their husbands or wives started this training.
309People are frequently astonished at the new results they achieve. It
310all seems like magic. In some cases, in their enthusiasm, they have
311telephoned me at my home on Sundays because they couldn't wait
312forty-eight hours to report their achievements at the regular session
313of the course.
314One man was so stirred by a talk on these principles that he sat far
315into the night discussing them with other members of the class. At
316three o'clock in the morning, the others went home. But he was so
317shaken by a realization of his own mistakes, so inspired by the vista
318of a new and richer world opening before him, that he was unable to
319sleep. He didn't sleep that night or the next day or the next night.
320Who was he? A naive, untrained individual ready to gush over any
321new theory that came along? No, Far from it. He was a sophisticated,
322blasй dealer in art, very much the man about town, who spoke three
323languages fluently and was a graduate of two European universities.
324While writing this chapter, I received a letter from a German of the
325old school, an aristocrat whose forebears had served for generations
326as professional army officers under the Hohenzollerns. His letter,
327written from a transatlantic steamer, telling about the application of
328these principles, rose almost to a religious fervor.
329Another man, an old New Yorker, a Harvard graduate, a wealthy
330man, the owner of a large carpet factory, declared he had learned
331more in fourteen weeks through this system of training about the
332fine art of influencing people than he had learned about the same
333subject during his four years in college. Absurd? Laughable?
334Fantastic? Of course, you are privileged to dismiss this statement 
335with whatever adjective you wish. I am merely reporting, without
336comment, a declaration made by a conservative and eminently
337successful Harvard graduate in a public address to approximately six
338hundred people at the Yale Club in New York on the evening of
339Thursday, February 23, 1933.
340"Compared to what we ought to be," said the famous Professor
341William James of Harvard, "compared to what we ought to be, we
342are only half awake. We are making use of only a small part of our
343physical and mental resources. Stating the thing broadly, the human
344individual thus lives far within his limits. He possesses powers of
345various sorts which he habitually fails to use,"
346Those powers which you "habitually fail to use"! The sole purpose of
347this book is to help you discover, develop and profit by those
348dormant and unused assets,
349"Education," said Dr. John G. Hibben, former president of Princeton
350University, "is the ability to meet life's situations,"
351If by the time you have finished reading the first three chapters of
352this book- if you aren't then a little better equipped to meet life's
353situations, then I shall consider this book to be a total failure so far
354as you are concerned. For "the great aim of education," said Herbert
355Spencer, "is not knowledge but action."
356And this is an action book.
357DALE CARNEGIE 1936
358----------------------------------
359Nine Suggestions on How to Get the Most Out of This Book
3601. If you wish to get the most out of this book, there is one
361indispensable requirement, one essential infinitely more important
362than any rule or technique. Unless you have this one fundamental
363requisite, a thousand rules on how to study will avail little, And if you
364do have this cardinal endowment, then you can achieve wonders
365without reading any suggestions for getting the most out of a book.
366What is this magic requirement? Just this: a deep, driving desire to
367learn, a vigorous determination to increase your ability to deal with
368people.
369How can you develop such an urge? By constantly reminding yourself
370how important these principles are to you. Picture to yourself how
371their mastery will aid you in leading a richer, fuller, happier and more
372fulfilling life. Say to yourself over and over: "My popularity, my 
373happiness and sense of worth depend to no small extent upon my
374skill in dealing with people."
3752. Read each chapter rapidly at first to get a bird's-eye view of it.
376You will probably be tempted then to rush on to the next one. But
377don't - unless you are reading merely for entertainment. But if you
378are reading because you want to increase your skill in human
379relations, then go back and reread each chapter thoroughly. In the
380long run, this will mean saving time and getting results.
3813. Stop frequently in your reading to think over what you are
382reading. Ask yourself just how and when you can apply each
383suggestion.
3844. Read with a crayon, pencil, pen, magic marker or highlighter in
385your hand. When you come across a suggestion that you feel you
386can use, draw a line beside it. If it is a four-star suggestion, then
387underscore every sentence or highlight it, or mark it with "****."
388Marking and underscoring a book makes it more interesting, and far
389easier to review rapidly.
3905. I knew a woman who had been office manager for a large
391insurance concern for fifteen years. Every month, she read all the
392insurance contracts her company had issued that month. Yes, she
393read many of the same contracts over month after month, year after
394year. Why? Because experience had taught her that that was the
395only way she could keep their provisions clearly in mind. I once spent
396almost two years writing a book on public speaking and yet I found I
397had to keep going back over it from time to time in order to
398remember what I had written in my own book. The rapidity with
399which we forget is astonishing.
400So, if you want to get a real, lasting benefit out of this book, don't
401imagine that skimming through it once will suffice. After reading it
402thoroughly, you ought to spend a few hours reviewing it every
403month, Keep it on your desk in front of you every day. Glance
404through it often. Keep constantly impressing yourself with the rich
405possibilities for improvement that still lie in the offing. Remember
406that the use of these principles can be made habitual only by a
407constant and vigorous campaign of review and application. There is
408no other way.
4096. Bernard Shaw once remarked: "If you teach a man anything, he
410will never learn." Shaw was right. Learning is an active process. We
411learn by doing. So, if you desire to master the principles you are
412studying in this book, do something about them. Apply these rules at
413every opportunity. If you don't you will forget them quickly. Only
414knowledge that is used sticks in your mind. 
415You will probably find it difficult to apply these suggestions all the
416time. I know because I wrote the book, and yet frequently I found it
417difficult to apply everything I advocated. For example, when you are
418displeased, it is much easier to criticize and condemn than it is to try
419to understand the other person's viewpoint. It is frequently easier to
420find fault than to find praise. It is more natural to talk about what
421vou want than to talk about what the other person wants. And so on,
422So, as you read this book, remember that you are not merely trying
423to acquire information. You are attempting to form new habits. Ah
424yes, you are attempting a new way of life. That will require time and
425persistence and daily application.
426So refer to these pages often. Regard this as a working handbook on
427human relations; and whenever you are confronted with some
428specific problem - such as handling a child, winning your spouse to
429your way of thinking, or satisfying an irritated customer - hesitate
430about doing the natural thing, the impulsive thing. This is usually
431wrong. Instead, turn to these pages and review the paragraphs you
432have underscored. Then try these new ways and watch them achieve
433magic for you.
4347. Offer your spouse, your child or some business associate a dime
435or a dollar every time he or she catches you violating a certain
436principle. Make a lively game out of mastering these rules.
4378. The president of an important Wall Street bank once described, in
438a talk before one of my classes, a highly efficient system he used for
439self-improvement. This man had little formal schooling; yet he had
440become one of the most important financiers in America, and he
441confessed that he owed most of his success to the constant
442application of his homemade system. This is what he does, I'll put it
443in his own words as accurately as I can remember.
444"For years I have kept an engagement book showing all the
445appointments I had during the day. My family never made any plans
446for me on Saturday night, for the family knew that I devoted a part
447of each Saturday evening to the illuminating process of selfexamination
448and review and appraisal. After dinner I went off by
449myself, opened my engagement book, and thought over all the
450interviews, discussions and meetings that had taken place during the
451week. I asked myself:
452'What mistakes did I make that time?' 'What did I do that was rightand
453in what way could I have improved my performance?' 'What
454lessons can I learn from that experience?'
455"I often found that this weekly review made me very unhappy. I was
456frequently astonished at my own blunders. Of course, as the years
457passed, these blunders became less frequent. Sometimes I was
458inclined to pat myself on the back a little after one of these sessions. 
459This system of self-analysis, self-education, continued year after
460year, did more for me than any other one thing I have ever
461attempted.
462"It helped me improve my ability to make decisions - and it aided me
463enormously in all my contacts with people. I cannot recommend it
464too highly."
465Why not use a similar system to check up on your application of the
466principles discussed in this book? If you do, two things will result.
467First, you will find yourself engaged in an educational process that is
468both intriguing and priceless.
469Second, you will find that your ability to meet and deal with people
470will grow enormously.
4719. You will find at the end of this book several blank pages on which
472you should record your triumphs in the application of these
473principles. Be specific. Give names, dates, results. Keeping such a
474record will inspire you to greater efforts; and how fascinating these
475entries will be when you chance upon them some evening years from
476now!
477In order to get the most out of this book:
478• a. Develop a deep, driving desire to master the principles of human
479relations,
480• b. Read each chapter twice before going on to the next one.
481• c. As you read, stop frequently to ask yourself how you can apply
482each suggestion.
483• d. Underscore each important idea.
484• e. Review this book each month.
485• f. Apply these principles at every opportunity. Use this volume as a
486working handbook to help you solve your daily problems.
487• g. Make a lively game out of your learning by offering some friend
488a dime or a dollar every time he or she catches you violating one of
489these principles.
490• h. Check up each week on the progress you are mak-ing. Ask
491yourself what mistakes you have made, what improvement, what
492lessons you have learned for the future.
493• i. Keep notes in the back of this book showing how and when you
494have applied these principles.
495------------------------------
496A Shortcut to Distinction
497by Lowell Thomas 
498This biographical information about Dale Carnegie was written as an
499introduction to the original edition of How to Win Friends and
500Influence People. It is reprinted in this edition to give the readers
501additional background on Dale Carnegie.
502It was a cold January night in 1935, but the weather couldn't keep
503them away. Two thousand five hundred men and women thronged
504into the grand ballroom of the Hotel Pennsylvania in New York. Every
505available seat was filled by half-past seven. At eight o'clock, the
506eager crowd was still pouring in. The spacious balcony was soon
507jammed. Presently even standing space was at a premium, and
508hundreds of people, tired after navigating a day in business, stood
509up for an hour and a half that night to witness - what?
510A fashion show?
511A six-day bicycle race or a personal appearance by Clark Gable?
512No. These people had been lured there by a newspaper ad. Two
513evenings previously, they had seen this full-page announcement in
514the New York Sun staring them in the face:
515Learn to Speak Effectively Prepare for Leadership
516Old stuff? Yes, but believe it or not, in the most sophisticated town
517on earth, during a depression with 20 percent of the population on
518relief, twenty-five hundred people had left their homes and hustled
519to the hotel in response to that ad.
520The people who responded were of the upper economic strata -
521executives, employers and professionals.
522These men and women had come to hear the opening gun of an
523ultramodern, ultrapractical course in "Effective Speaking and
524Influencing Men in Business"- a course given by the Dale Carnegie
525Institute of Effective Speaking and Human Relations.
526Why were they there, these twenty-five hundred business men and
527women?
528Because of a sudden hunger for more education because of the
529depression?
530Apparently not, for this same course had been playing to packed
531houses in New York City every season for the preceding twenty-four
532years. During that time, more than fifteen thousand business and
533professional people had been trained by Dale Carnegie. Even large,
534skeptical, conservative organizations such as the Westinghouse 
535Electric Company, the McGraw-Hill Publishing Company, the Brooklyn
536Union Gas Company, the Brooklyn Chamber of Commerce, the
537American Institute of Electrical Engineers and the New York
538Telephone Company have had this training conducted in their own
539offices for the benefit of their members and executives.
540The fact that these people, ten or twenty years after leaving grade
541school, high school or college, come and take this training is a
542glaring commentary on the shocking deficiencies of our educational
543system.
544What do adults really want to study? That is an important question;
545and in order to answer it, the University of Chicago, the American
546Association for Adult Education, and the United Y.M.C.A. Schools
547made a survey over a two-year period.
548That survey revealed that the prime interest of adults is health. It
549also revealed that their second interest is in developing skill in
550human relationships - they want to learn the technique of getting
551along with and influencing other people. They don't want to become
552public speakers, and they don't want to listen to a lot of high
553sounding talk about psychology; they want suggestions they can use
554immediately in business, in social contacts and in the home.
555So that was what adults wanted to study, was it?
556"All right," said the people making the survey. "Fine. If that is what
557they want, we'll give it to them."
558Looking around for a textbook, they discovered that no working
559manual had ever been written to help people solve their daily
560problems in human relationships.
561Here was a fine kettle of fish! For hundreds of years, learned
562volumes had been written on Greek and Latin and higher
563mathematics - topics about which the average adult doesn't give two
564hoots. But on the one subject on which he has a thirst for
565knowledge, a veritable passion for guidance and help - nothing!
566This explained the presence of twenty-five hundred eager adults
567crowding into the grand ballroom of the Hotel Pennsylvania in
568response to a newspaper advertisement. Here, apparently, at last
569was the thing for which they had long been seeking.
570Back in high school and college, they had pored over books,
571believing that knowledge alone was the open sesame to financial -
572and professional rewards.
573But a few years in the rough-and-tumble of business and
574professional life had brought sharp dissillusionment. They had seen 
575some of the most important business successes won by men who
576possessed, in addition to their knowledge, the ability to talk well, to
577win people to their way of thinking, and to "sell" themselves and
578their ideas.
579They soon discovered that if one aspired to wear the captain's cap
580and navigate the ship of business, personality and the ability to talk
581are more important than a knowledge of Latin verbs or a sheepskin
582from Harvard.
583The advertisement in the New York Sun promised that the meeting
584would be highly entertaining. It was. Eighteen people who had taken
585the course were marshaled in front of the loudspeaker - and fifteen
586of them were given precisely seventy-five seconds each to tell his or
587her story. Only seventy-five seconds of talk, then "bang" went the
588gavel, and the chairman shouted, "Time! Next speaker!"
589The affair moved with the speed of a herd of buffalo thundering
590across the plains. Spectators stood for an hour and a half to watch
591the performance.
592The speakers were a cross section of life: several sales
593representatives, a chain store executive, a baker, the president of a
594trade association, two bankers, an insurance agent, an accountant, a
595dentist, an architect, a druggist who had come from Indianapolis to
596New York to take the course, a lawyer who had come from Havana
597in order to prepare himself to give one important three-minute
598speech.
599The first speaker bore the Gaelic name Patrick J. O'Haire. Born in
600Ireland, he attended school for only four years, drifted to America,
601worked as a mechanic, then as a chauffeur.
602Now, however, he was forty, he had a growing family and needed
603more money, so he tried selling trucks. Suffering from an inferiority
604complex that, as he put it, was eating his heart out, he had to walk
605up and down in front of an office half a dozen times before he could
606summon up enough courage to open the door. He was so
607discouraged as a salesman that he was thinking of going back to
608working with his hands in a machine shop, when one day he
609received a letter inviting him to an organization meeting of the Dale
610Carnegie Course in Effective Speaking.
611He didn't want to attend. He feared he would have to associate with
612a lot of college graduates, that he would be out of place.
613His despairing wife insisted that he go, saying, "It may do you some
614good, Pat. God knows you need it." He went down to the place
615where the meeting was to be held and stood on the sidewalk for five 
616minutes before he could generate enough self-confidence to enter
617the room.
618The first few times he tried to speak in front of the others, he was
619dizzy with fear. But as the weeks drifted by, he lost all fear of
620audiences and soon found that he loved to talk - the bigger the
621crowd, the better. And he also lost his fear of individuals and of his
622superiors. He presented his ideas to them, and soon he had been
623advanced into the sales department. He had become a valued and
624much liked member of his company. This night, in the Hotel
625Pennsylvania, Patrick O'Haire stood in front of twenty-five hundred
626people and told a gay, rollicking story of his achievements. Wave
627after wave of laughter swept over the audience. Few professional
628speakers could have equaled his performance.
629The next speaker, Godfrey Meyer, was a gray-headed banker, the
630father of eleven children. The first time he had attempted to speak in
631class, he was literally struck dumb. His mind refused to function. His
632story is a vivid illustration of how leadership gravitates to the person
633who can talk.
634He worked on Wall Street, and for twenty-five years he had been
635living in Clifton, New Jersey. During that time, he had taken no
636active part in community affairs and knew perhaps five hundred
637people.
638Shortly after he had enrolled in the Carnegie course, he received his
639tax bill and was infuriated by what he considered unjust charges.
640Ordinarily, he would have sat at home and fumed, or he would have
641taken it out in grousing to his neighbors. But instead, he put on his
642hat that night, walked into the town meeting, and blew off steam in
643public.
644As a result of that talk of indignation, the citizens of Clifton, New
645Jersey, urged him to run for the town council. So for weeks he went
646from one meeting to another, denouncing waste and municipal
647extravagance.
648There were ninety-six candidates in the field. When the ballots were
649counted, lo, Godfrey Meyer's name led all the rest. Almost overnight,
650he had become a public figure among the forty thousand people in
651his community. As a result of his talks, he made eighty times more
652friends in six weeks than he had been able to previously in twentyfive
653years.
654And his salary as councilman meant that he got a return of 1,000
655percent a year on his investment in the Carnegie course. 
656The third speaker, the head of a large national association of food
657manufacturers, told how he had been unable to stand up and
658express his ideas at meetings of a board of directors.
659As a result of learning to think on his feet, two astonishing things
660happened. He was soon made president of his association, and in
661that capacity, he was obliged to address meetings all over the United
662States. Excerpts from his talks were put on the Associated Press
663wires and printed in newspapers and trade magazines throughout
664the country.
665In two years, after learning to speak more effectively, he received
666more free publicity for his company and its products than he had
667been able to get previously with a quarter of a million dollars spent
668in direct advertising. This speaker admitted that he had formerly
669hesitated to telephone some of the more important business
670executives in Manhattan and invite them to lunch with him. But as a
671result of the prestige he had acquired by his talks, these same
672people telephoned him and invited him to lunch and apologized to
673him for encroaching on his time.
674The ability to speak is a shortcut to distinction. It puts a person in
675the limelight, raises one head and shoulders above the crowd. And
676the person who can speak acceptably is usually given credit for an
677ability out of all proportion to what he or she really possesses.
678A movement for adult education has been sweeping over the nation;
679and the most spectacular force in that movement was Dale Carnegie,
680a man who listened to and critiqued more talks by adults than has
681any other man in captivity. According to a cartoon by "Believe-It-orNot"
682Ripley, he had criticized 150,000 speeches. If that grand total
683doesn't impress you, remember that it meant one talk for almost
684every day that has passed since Columbus discovered America. Or,
685to put it in other words, if all the people who had spoken before him
686had used only three minutes and had appeared before him in
687succession, it would have taken ten months, listening day and night,
688to hear them all.
689Dale Carnegie's own career, filled with sharp contrasts, was a striking
690example of what a person can accomplish when obsessed with an
691original idea and afire with enthusiasm.
692Born on a Missouri farm ten miles from a railway, he never saw a
693streetcar until he was twelve years old; yet by the time he was fortysix,
694he was familiar with the far-flung corners of the earth,
695everywhere from Hong Kong to Hammerfest; and, at one time, he
696approached closer to the North Pole than Admiral Byrd's
697headquarters at Little America was to the South Pole. 
698This Missouri lad who had once picked strawberries and cut
699cockleburs for five cents an hour became the highly paid trainer of
700the executives of large corporations in the art of self-expression.
701This erstwhile cowboy who had once punched cattle and branded
702calves and ridden fences out in western South Dakota later went to
703London to put on shows under the patronage of the royal family.
704This chap who was a total failure the first half-dozen times he tried
705to speak in public later became my personal manager. Much of my
706success has been due to training under Dale Carnegie.
707Young Carnegie had to struggle for an education, for hard luck was
708always battering away at the old farm in northwest Missouri with a
709flying tackle and a body slam. Year after year, the "102" River rose
710and drowned the corn and swept away the hay. Season after season,
711the fat hogs sickened and died from cholera, the bottom fell out of
712the market for cattle and mules, and the bank threatened to
713foreclose the mortgage.
714Sick with discouragement, the family sold out and bought another
715farm near the State Teachers' College at Warrensburg, Missouri.
716Board and room could be had in town for a dollar a day, but young
717Carnegie couldn't afford it. So he stayed on the farm and commuted
718on horseback three miles to college each day. At home, he milked
719the cows, cut the wood, fed the hogs, and studied his Latin verbs by
720the light of a coal-oil lamp until his eyes blurred and he began to
721nod.
722Even when he got to bed at midnight, he set the alarm for three
723o'clock. His father bred pedigreed Duroc-Jersey hogs - and there was
724danger, during the bitter cold nights, that the young pigs would
725freeze to death; so they were put in a basket, covered with a gunny
726sack, and set behind the kitchen stove. True to their nature, the pigs
727demanded a hot meal at 3 A.M. So when the alarm went off, Dale
728Carnegie crawled out of the blankets, took the basket of pigs out to
729their mother, waited for them to nurse, and then brought them back
730to the warmth of the kitchen stove.
731There were six hundred students in State Teachers' College, and
732Dale Carnegie was one of the isolated half-dozen who couldn't afford
733to board in town. He was ashamed of the poverty that made it
734necessary for him to ride back to the farm and milk the cows every
735night. He was ashamed of his coat, which was too tight, and his
736trousers, which were too short. Rapidly developing an inferiority
737complex, he looked about for some shortcut to distinction. He soon
738saw that there were certain groups in college that enjoyed influence
739and prestige - the football and baseball players and the chaps who
740won the debating and public-speaking contests. 
741Realizing that he had no flair for athletics, he decided to win one of
742the speaking contests. He spent months preparing his talks. He
743practiced as he sat in the saddle galloping to college and back; he
744practiced his speeches as he milked the cows; and then he mounted
745a bale of hay in the barn and with great gusto and gestures
746harangued the frightened pigeons about the issues of the day.
747But in spite of all his earnestness and preparation, he met with
748defeat after defeat. He was eighteen at the time - sensitive and
749proud. He became so discouraged, so depressed, that he even
750thought of suicide. And then suddenly he began to win, not one
751contest, but every speaking contest in college.
752Other students pleaded with him to train them; and they won also.
753After graduating from college, he started selling correspondence
754courses to the ranchers among the sand hills of western Nebraska
755and eastern Wyoming. In spite of all his boundless energy and
756enthusiasm, he couldn't make the grade. He became so discouraged
757that he went to his hotel room in Alliance, Nebraska, in the middle of
758the day, threw himself across the bed, and wept in despair. He
759longed to go back to college, he longed to retreat from the harsh
760battle of life; but he couldn't. So he resolved to go to Omaha and get
761another job. He didn't have the money for a railroad ticket, so he
762traveled on a freight train, feeding and watering two carloads of wild
763horses in return for his passage, After landing in south Omaha, he
764got a job selling bacon and soap and lard for Armour and Company.
765His territory was up among the Badlands and the cow and Indian
766country of western South Dakota. He covered his territory by freight
767train and stage coach and horseback and slept in pioneer hotels
768where the only partition between the rooms was a sheet of muslin.
769He studied books on salesmanship, rode bucking bronchos, played
770poker with the Indians, and learned how to collect money. And
771when, for example, an inland storekeeper couldn't pay cash for the
772bacon and hams he had ordered, Dale Carnegie would take a dozen
773pairs of shoes off his shelf, sell the shoes to the railroad men, and
774forward the receipts to Armour and Company.
775He would often ride a freight train a hundred miles a day. When the
776train stopped to unload freight, he would dash uptown, see three or
777four merchants, get his orders; and when the whistle blew, he would
778dash down the street again lickety-split and swing onto the train
779while it was moving.
780Within two years, he had taken an unproductive territory that had
781stood in the twenty-fifth place and had boosted it to first place
782among all the twenty-nine car routes leading out of south Omaha.
783Armour and Company offered to promote him, saying: "You have
784achieved what seemed impossible." But he refused the promotion
785and resigned, went to New York, studied at the American Academy 
786of Dramatic Arts, and toured the country, playing the role of Dr.
787Hartley in Polly of the Circus.
788He would never be a Booth or a Barrymore. He had the good sense
789to recognize that, So back he went to sales work, selling automobiles
790and trucks for the Packard Motor Car Company.
791He knew nothing about machinery and cared nothing about it.
792Dreadfully unhappy, he had to scourge himself to his task each day.
793He longed to have time to study, to write the books he had dreamed
794about writing back in college. So he resigned. He was going to spend
795his days writing stories and novels and support himself by teaching
796in a night school.
797Teaching what? As he looked back and evaluated his college work,
798he saw that his training in public speaking had done more to give
799him confidence, courage, poise and the ability to meet and deal with
800people in business than had all the rest of his college courses put
801together, So he urged the Y.M.C.A. schools in New York to give him
802a chance to conduct courses in public speaking for people in
803business.
804What? Make orators out of business people? Absurd. The Y.M.C.A.
805people knew. They had tried such courses -and they had always
806failed. When they refused to pay him a salary of two dollars a night,
807he agreed to teach on a commission basis and take a percentage of
808the net profits -if there were any profits to take. And inside of three
809years they were paying him thirty dollars a night on that basis -
810instead of two.
811The course grew. Other "Ys" heard of it, then other cities. Dale
812Carnegie soon became a glorified circuit rider covering New York,
813Philadelphia, Baltimore and later London and Paris. All the textbooks
814were too academic and impractical for the business people who
815flocked to his courses. Because of this he wrote his own book
816entitled Public Speaking and Influencing Men in Business. It became
817the official text of all the Y.M.C.A.s as well as of the American
818Bankers' Association and the National Credit Men's Association.
819Dale Carnegie claimed that all people can talk when they get mad.
820He said that if you hit the most ignorant man in town on the jaw and
821knock him down, he would get on his feet and talk with an
822eloquence, heat and emphasis that would have rivaled that world
823famous orator William Jennings Bryan at the height of his career. He
824claimed that almost any person can speak acceptably in public if he
825or she has self-confidence and an idea that is boiling and stewing
826within.
827The way to develop self-confidence, he said, is to do the thing you
828fear to do and get a record of successful experiences behind you. So 
829he forced each class member to talk at every session of the course.
830The audience is sympathetic. They are all in the same boat; and, by
831constant practice, they develop a courage, confidence and
832enthusiasm that carry over into their private speaking.
833Dale Carnegie would tell you that he made a living all these years,
834not by teaching public speaking - that was incidental. His main job
835was to help people conquer their fears and develop courage.
836He started out at first to conduct merely a course in public speaking,
837but the students who came were business men and women. Many of
838them hadn't seen the inside of a classroom in thirty years. Most of
839them were paying their tuition on the installment plan. They wanted
840results and they wanted them quick - results that they could use the
841next day in business interviews and in speaking before groups.
842So he was forced to be swift and practical. Consequently, he
843developed a system of training that is unique - a striking combination
844of public speaking, salesmanship, human relations and applied
845psychology.
846A slave to no hard-and-fast rules, he developed a course that is as
847real as the measles and twice as much fun.
848When the classes terminated, the graduates formed clubs of their
849own and continued to meet fortnightly for years afterward. One
850group of nineteen in Philadelphia met twice a month during the
851winter season for seventeen years. Class members frequently travel
852fifty or a hundred miles to attend classes. One student used to
853commute each week from Chicago to New York. Professor William
854James of Harvard used to say that the average person develops only
85510 percent of his latent mental ability. Dale Carnegie, by helping
856business men and women to develop their latent possibilities,
857created one of the most significant movements in adult education
858LOWELL THOMAS 1936
859------------------------------
860Part One - Fundamental Techniques In Handling People
8611 "If You Want To Gather Honey, Don't Kick Over The Beehive"
862On May 7, 1931, the most sensational manhunt New York City had
863ever known had come to its climax. After weeks of search, "Two
864Gun" Crowley - the killer, the gunman who didn't smoke or drink -
865was at bay, trapped in his sweetheart's apartment on West End
866Avenue. 
867One hundred and fifty policemen and detectives laid siege to his topfloor
868hideway. They chopped holes in the roof; they tried to smoke
869out Crowley, the "cop killer," with teargas. Then they mounted their
870machine guns on surrounding buildings, and for more than an hour
871one of New York's fine residential areas reverberated with the crack
872of pistol fire and the rut-tat-tat of machine guns. Crowley, crouching
873behind an over-stuffed chair, fired incessantly at the police. Ten
874thousand excited people watched the battle. Nothing like it ever
875been seen before on the sidewalks of New York.
876When Crowley was captured, Police Commissioner E. P. Mulrooney
877declared that the two-gun desperado was one of the most dangerous
878criminals ever encountered in the history of New York. "He will kill,"
879said the Commissioner, "at the drop of a feather."
880But how did "Two Gun" Crowley regard himself? We know, because
881while the police were firing into his apartment, he wrote a letter
882addressed "To whom it may concern, " And, as he wrote, the blood
883flowing from his wounds left a crimson trail on the paper. In this
884letter Crowley said: "Under my coat is a weary heart, but a kind one
885- one that would do nobody any harm."
886A short time before this, Crowley had been having a necking party
887with his girl friend on a country road out on Long Island. Suddenly a
888policeman walked up to the car and said: "Let me see your license."
889Without saying a word, Crowley drew his gun and cut the policeman
890down with a shower of lead. As the dying officer fell, Crowley leaped
891out of the car, grabbed the officer's revolver, and fired another bullet
892into the prostrate body. And that was the killer who said: "Under my
893coat is a weary heart, but a kind one - one that would do nobody
894any harm.'
895Crowley was sentenced to the electric chair. When he arrived at the
896death house in Sing Sing, did he say, "This is what I get for killing
897people"? No, he said: "This is what I get for defending myself."
898The point of the story is this: "Two Gun" Crowley didn't blame
899himself for anything.
900Is that an unusual attitude among criminals? If you think so, listen to
901this:
902"I have spent the best years of my life giving people the lighter
903pleasures, helping them have a good time, and all I get is abuse, the
904existence of a hunted man."
905That's Al Capone speaking. Yes, America's most notorious Public
906Enemy- the most sinister gang leader who ever shot up Chicago.
907Capone didn't condemn himself. He actually regarded himself as a 
908public benefactor - an unappreciated and misunderstood public
909benefactor.
910And so did Dutch Schultz before he crumpled up under gangster
911bullets in Newark. Dutch Schultz, one of New York's most notorious
912rats, said in a newspaper interview that he was a public benefactor.
913And he believed it.
914I have had some interesting correspondence with Lewis Lawes, who
915was warden of New York's infamous Sing Sing prison for many years,
916on this subject, and he declared that "few of the criminals in Sing
917Sing regard themselves as bad men. They are just as human as you
918and I. So they rationalize, they explain. They can tell you why they
919had to crack a safe or be quick on the trigger finger. Most of them
920attempt by a form of reasoning, fallacious or logical, to justify their
921antisocial acts even to themselves, consequently stoutly maintaining
922that they should never have been imprisoned at all."
923If Al Capone, "Two Gun" Crowley, Dutch Schultz, and the desperate
924men and women behind prison walls don't blame themselves for
925anything - what about the people with whom you and I come in
926contact?
927John Wanamaker, founder of the stores that bear his name, once
928confessed: "I learned thirty years ago that it is foolish to scold. I
929have enough trouble overcoming my own limitations without fretting
930over the fact that God has not seen fit to distribute evenly the gift of
931intelligence."
932Wanamaker learned this lesson early, but I personally had to blunder
933through this old world for a third of a century before it even began
934to dawn upon me that ninety-nine times out of a hundred, people
935don't criticize themselves for anything, no matter how wrong it may
936be.
937Criticism is futile because it puts a person on the defensive and
938usually makes him strive to justify himself. Criticism is dangerous,
939because it wounds a person's precious pride, hurts his sense of
940importance, and arouses resentment.
941B. F. Skinner, the world-famous psychologist, proved through his
942experiments that an animal rewarded for good behavior will learn
943much more rapidly and retain what it learns far more effectively than
944an animal punished for bad behavior. Later studies have shown that
945the same applies to humans. By criticizing, we do not make lasting
946changes and often incur resentment.
947Hans Selye, another great psychologist, said, "As much as we thirst
948for approval, we dread condemnation," 
949The resentment that criticism engenders can demoralize employees,
950family members and friends, and still not correct the situation that
951has been condemned.
952George B. Johnston of Enid, Oklahoma, is the safety coordinator for
953an engineering company, One of his re-sponsibilities is to see that
954employees wear their hard hats whenever they are on the job in the
955field. He reported that whenever he came across workers who were
956not wearing hard hats, he would tell them with a lot of authority of
957the regulation and that they must comply. As a result he would get
958sullen acceptance, and often after he left, the workers would remove
959the hats.
960He decided to try a different approach. The next time he found some
961of the workers not wearing their hard hat, he asked if the hats were
962uncomfortable or did not fit properly. Then he reminded the men in a
963pleasant tone of voice that the hat was designed to protect them
964from injury and suggested that it always be worn on the job. The
965result was increased compliance with the regulation with no
966resentment or emotional upset.
967You will find examples of the futility of criticism bristling on a
968thousand pages of history, Take, for example, the famous quarrel
969between Theodore Roosevelt and President Taft - a quarrel that split
970the Republican party, put Woodrow Wilson in the White House, and
971wrote bold, luminous lines across the First World War and altered the
972flow of history. Let's review the facts quickly. When Theodore
973Roosevelt stepped out of the White House in 1908, he supported
974Taft, who was elected President. Then Theodore Roosevelt went off
975to Africa to shoot lions. When he returned, he exploded. He
976denounced Taft for his conservatism, tried to secure the nomination
977for a third term himself, formed the Bull Moose party, and all but
978demolished the G.O.P. In the election that followed, William Howard
979Taft and the Republican party carried only two states - Vermont and
980Utah. The most disastrous defeat the party had ever known.
981Theodore Roosevelt blamed Taft, but did President Taft blame
982himself? Of course not, With tears in his eyes, Taft said: "I don't see
983how I could have done any differently from what I have."
984Who was to blame? Roosevelt or Taft? Frankly, I don't know, and I
985don't care. The point I am trying to make is that all of Theodore
986Roosevelt's criticism didn't persuade Taft that he was wrong. It
987merely made Taft strive to justify himself and to reiterate with tears
988in his eyes: "I don't see how I could have done any differently from
989what I have."
990Or, take the Teapot Dome oil scandal. It kept the newspapers ringing
991with indignation in the early 1920s. It rocked the nation! Within the
992memory of living men, nothing like it had ever happened before in 
993American public life. Here are the bare facts of the scandal: Albert B.
994Fall, secretary of the interior in Harding's cabinet, was entrusted with
995the leasing of government oil reserves at Elk Hill and Teapot Dome -
996oil reserves that had been set aside for the future use of the Navy.
997Did secretary Fall permit competitive bidding? No sir. He handed the
998fat, juicy contract outright to his friend Edward L. Doheny. And what
999did Doheny do? He gave Secretary Fall what he was pleased to call a
1000"loan" of one hundred thousand dollars. Then, in a high-handed
1001manner, Secretary Fall ordered United States Marines into the district
1002to drive off competitors whose adjacent wells were sapping oil out of
1003the Elk Hill reserves. These competitors, driven off their ground at
1004the ends of guns and bayonets, rushed into court - and blew the lid
1005off the Teapot Dome scandal. A stench arose so vile that it ruined
1006the Harding Administration, nauseated an entire nation, threatened
1007to wreck the Republican party, and put Albert B. Fall behind prison
1008bars.
1009Fall was condemned viciously - condemned as few men in public life
1010have ever been. Did he repent? Never! Years later Herbert Hoover
1011intimated in a public speech that President Harding's death had been
1012due to mental anxiety and worry because a friend had betrayed him.
1013When Mrs. Fall heard that, she sprang from her chair, she wept, she
1014shook her fists at fate and screamed: "What! Harding betrayed by
1015Fall? No! My husband never betrayed anyone. This whole house full
1016of gold would not tempt my husband to do wrong. He is the one who
1017has been betrayed and led to the slaughter and crucified."
1018There you are; human nature in action, wrongdoers, blaming
1019everybody but themselves. We are all like that. So when you and I
1020are tempted to criticize someone tomorrow, let's remember Al
1021Capone, "Two Gun" Crowley and Albert Fall. Let's realize that
1022criticisms are like homing pigeons. They always return home. Let's
1023realize that the person we are going to correct and condemn will
1024probably justify himself or herself, and condemn us in return; or, like
1025the gentle Taft, will say: "I don't see how I could have done any
1026differently from what I have."
1027On the morning of April 15, 1865, Abraham Lincoln lay dying in a hall
1028bedroom of a cheap lodging house directly across the street from
1029Ford's Theater, where John Wilkes Booth had shot him. Lincoln's
1030long body lay stretched diagonally across a sagging bed that was too
1031short for him. A cheap reproduction of Rosa Bonheur's famous
1032painting The Horse Fair hung above the bed, and a dismal gas jet
1033flickered yellow light.
1034As Lincoln lay dying, Secretary of War Stanton said, "There lies the
1035most perfect ruler of men that the world has ever seen."
1036What was the secret of Lincoln's success in dealing with people? I
1037studied the life of Abraham Lincoln for ten years and devoted all of 
1038three years to writing and rewriting a book entitled Lincoln the
1039Unknown. I believe I have made as detailed and exhaustive a study
1040of Lincoln's personality and home life as it is possible for any being to
1041make. I made a special study of Lincoln's method of dealing with
1042people. Did he indulge in criticism? Oh, yes. As a young man in the
1043Pigeon Creek Valley of Indiana, he not only criticized but he wrote
1044letters and poems ridiculing people and dropped these letters on the
1045country roads where they were sure to be found. One of these
1046letters aroused resentments that burned for a lifetime.
1047Even after Lincoln had become a practicing lawyer in Springfield,
1048Illinois, he attacked his opponents openly in letters published in the
1049newspapers. But he did this just once too often.
1050In the autumn of 1842 he ridiculed a vain, pugnacious politician by
1051the name of James Shields. Lincoln lamned him through an
1052anonymous letter published in Springfield Journal. The town roared
1053with laughter. Shields, sensitive and proud, boiled with indignation.
1054He found out who wrote the letter, leaped on his horse, started after
1055Lincoln, and challenged him to fight a duel. Lincoln didn't want to
1056fight. He was opposed to dueling, but he couldn't get out of it and
1057save his honor. He was given the choice of weapons. Since he had
1058very long arms, he chose cavalry broadswords and took lessons in
1059sword fighting from a West Point graduate; and, on the appointed
1060day, he and Shields met on a sandbar in the Mississippi River,
1061prepared to fight to the death; but, at the last minute, their seconds
1062interrupted and stopped the duel.
1063That was the most lurid personal incident in Lincoln's life. It taught
1064him an invaluable lesson in the art of dealing with people. Never
1065again did he write an insulting letter. Never again did he ridicule
1066anyone. And from that time on, he almost never criticized anybody
1067for anything.
1068Time after time, during the Civil War, Lincoln put a new general at
1069the head of the Army of the Potomac, and each one in turn -
1070McClellan, Pope, Burnside, Hooker, Meade - blundered tragically and
1071drove Lincoln to pacing the floor in despair. Half the nation savagely
1072condemned these incompetent generals, but Lincoln, "with malice
1073toward none, with charity for all," held his peace. One of his favorite
1074quotations was "Judge not, that ye be not judged."
1075And when Mrs. Lincoln and others spoke harshly of the southern
1076people, Lincoln replied: "Don't criticize them; they are just what we
1077would be under similar circumstances."
1078Yet if any man ever had occasion to criticize, surely it was Lincoln.
1079Let's take just one illustration: 
1080The Battle of Gettysburg was fought during the first three days of
1081July 1863. During the night of July 4, Lee began to retreat southward
1082while storm clouds deluged the country with rain. When Lee reached
1083the Potomac with his defeated army, he found a swollen, impassable
1084river in front of him, and a victorious Union Army behind him. Lee
1085was in a trap. He couldn't escape. Lincoln saw that. Here was a
1086golden, heaven-sent opportunity-the opportunity to capture Lee's
1087army and end the war immediately. So, with a surge of high hope,
1088Lincoln ordered Meade not to call a council of war but to attack Lee
1089immediately. Lincoln telegraphed his orders and then sent a special
1090messenger to Meade demanding immediate action.
1091And what did General Meade do? He did the very opposite of what
1092he was told to do. He called a council of war in direct violation of
1093Lincoln's orders. He hesitated. He procrastinated. He telegraphed all
1094manner of excuses. He refused point-blank to attack Lee. Finally the
1095waters receded and Lee escaped over the Potomac with his forces.
1096Lincoln was furious, " What does this mean?" Lincoln cried to his son
1097Robert. "Great God! What does this mean? We had them within our
1098grasp, and had only to stretch forth our hands and they were ours;
1099yet nothing that I could say or do could make the army move. Under
1100the circumstances, almost any general could have defeated Lee. If I
1101had gone up there, I could have whipped him myself."
1102In bitter disappointment, Lincoln sat down and wrote Meade this
1103letter. And remember, at this period of his life Lincoln was extremely
1104conservative and restrained in his phraseology. So this letter coming
1105from Lincoln in 1863 was tantamount to the severest rebuke.
1106My dear General,
1107I do not believe you appreciate the magnitude of the misfortune
1108involved in Lee's escape. He was within our easy grasp, and to have
1109closed upon him would, in connection With our other late successes,
1110have ended the war. As it is, the war will be prolonged indefinitely. If
1111you could not safely attack Lee last Monday, how can you possibly
1112do so south of the river, when you can take with you very few-no
1113more than two-thirds of the force you then had in hand? It would be
1114unreasonable to expect and I do not expect that you can now effect
1115much. Your golden opportunity is gone, and I am distressed
1116immeasurably because of it.
1117What do you suppose Meade did when he read the letter?
1118Meade never saw that letter. Lincoln never mailed it. It was found
1119among his papers after his death.
1120My guess is - and this is only a guess - that after writing that letter,
1121Lincoln looked out of the window and said to himself, "Just a minute. 
1122Maybe I ought not to be so hasty. It is easy enough for me to sit
1123here in the quiet of the White House and order Meade to attack; but
1124if I had been up at Gettysburg, and if I had seen as much blood as
1125Meade has seen during the last week, and if my ears had been
1126pierced with the screams and shrieks of the wounded and dying,
1127maybe I wouldn't be so anxious to attack either. If I had Meade's
1128timid temperament, perhaps I would have done just what he had
1129done. Anyhow, it is water under the bridge now. If I send this letter,
1130it will relieve my feelings, but it will make Meade try to justify
1131himself. It will make him condemn me. It will arouse hard feelings,
1132impair all his further usefulness as a commander, and perhaps force
1133him to resign from the army."
1134So, as I have already said, Lincoln put the letter aside, for he had
1135learned by bitter experience that sharp criticisms and rebukes almost
1136invariably end in futility.
1137Theodore Roosevelt said that when he, as President, was confronted
1138with a perplexing problem, he used to lean back and look up at a
1139large painting of Lincoln which hung above his desk in the White
1140House and ask himself, "What would Lincoln do if he were in my
1141shoes? How would he solve this problem?"
1142The next time we are tempted to admonish somebody, /let's pull a
1143five-dollar bill out of our pocket, look at Lincoln's picture on the bill,
1144and ask. "How would Lincoln handle this problem if he had it?"
1145Mark Twain lost his temper occasionally and wrote letters that turned
1146the Paper brown. For example, he once wrote to a man who had
1147aroused his ire: "The thing for you is a burial permit. You have only
1148to speak and I will see that you get it." On another occasion he
1149wrote to an editor about a proofreader's attempts to "improve my
1150spelling and punctuation." He ordered: "Set the matter according to
1151my copy hereafter and see that the proofreader retains his
1152suggestions in the mush of his decayed brain."
1153The writing of these stinging letters made Mark Twain feel better.
1154They allowed him to blow off steam, and the letters didn't do any
1155real harm, because Mark's wife secretly lifted them out of the mail.
1156They were never sent.
1157Do you know someone you would like to change and regulate and
1158improve? Good! That is fine. I am all in favor of it, But why not begin
1159on yourself? From a purely selfish standpoint, that is a lot more
1160profitable than trying to improve others - yes, and a lot less
1161dangerous. "Don't complain about the snow on your neighbor's roof,"
1162said Confucius, "when your own doorstep is unclean."
1163When I was still young and trying hard to impress people, I wrote a
1164foolish letter to Richard Harding Davis, an author who once loomed 
1165large on the literary horizon of America. I was preparing a magazine
1166article about authors, and I asked Davis to tell me about his method
1167of work. A few weeks earlier, I had received a letter from someone
1168with this notation at the bottom: "Dictated but not read." I was quite
1169impressed. I felt that the writer must be very big and busy and
1170important. I wasn't the slightest bit busy, but I was eager to make
1171an impression on Richard Harding Davis, so I ended my short note
1172with the words: "Dictated but not read."
1173He never troubled to answer the letter. He simply returned it to me
1174with this scribbled across the bottom: "Your bad manners are
1175exceeded only by your bad manners." True, I had blundered, and
1176perhaps I deserved this rebuke. But, being human, I resented it. I
1177resented it so sharply that when I read of the death of Richard
1178Harding Davis ten years later, the one thought that still persisted in
1179my mind - I am ashamed to admit - was the hurt he had given me.
1180If you and I want to stir up a resentment tomorrow that may rankle
1181across the decades and endure until death, just let us indulge in a
1182little stinging criticism-no matter how certain we are that it is
1183justified.
1184When dealing with people, let us remember we are not dealing with
1185creatures of logic. We are dealing with creatures of emotion,
1186creatures bristling with prejudices and motivated by pride and vanity.
1187Bitter criticism caused the sensitive Thomas Hardy, one of the finest
1188novelists ever to enrich English literature, to give up forever the
1189writing of fiction. Criticism drove Thomas Chatterton, the English
1190poet, to suicide.
1191Benjamin Franklin, tactless in his youth, became so diplomatic, so
1192adroit at handling people, that he was made American Ambassador
1193to France. The secret of his success? "I will speak ill of no man," he
1194said, " . . and speak all the good I know of everybody."
1195Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain - and most fools do.
1196But it takes character and self-control to be under-standing and
1197forgiving.
1198"A great man shows his greatness," said Carlyle, "by the way he
1199treats little men."
1200Bob Hoover, a famous test pilot and frequent per-former at air
1201shows, was returning to his home in Los Angeles from an air show in
1202San Diego. As described in the magazine Flight Operations, at three
1203hundred feet in the air, both engines suddenly stopped. By deft
1204maneuvering he managed to land the plane, but it was badly
1205damaged although nobody was hurt. 
1206Hoover's first act after the emergency landing was to inspect the
1207airplane's fuel. Just as he suspected, the World War II propeller
1208plane he had been flying had been fueled with jet fuel rather than
1209gasoline.
1210Upon returning to the airport, he asked to see the mechanic who had
1211serviced his airplane. The young man was sick with the agony of his
1212mistake. Tears streamed down his face as Hoover approached. He
1213had just caused the loss of a very expensive plane and could have
1214caused the loss of three lives as well.
1215You can imagine Hoover's anger. One could anticipate the tonguelashing
1216that this proud and precise pilot would unleash for that
1217carelessness. But Hoover didn't scold the mechanic; he didn't even
1218criticize him. Instead, he put his big arm around the man's shoulder
1219and said, "To show you I'm sure that you'll never do this again, I
1220want you to service my F-51 tomorrow."
1221Often parents are tempted to criticize their children. You would
1222expect me to say "don't." But I will not, I am merely going to say,
1223"Before you criticize them, read one of the classics of American
1224journalism, 'Father Forgets.' " It originally appeared as an editorial in
1225the People's Home Journnl. We are reprinting it here with the
1226author's permission, as condensed in the Reader's Digest:
1227"Father Forgets" is one of those little pieces which-dashed of in a
1228moment of sincere feeling - strikes an echoing chord in so many
1229readers as to become a perenial reprint favorite. Since its first
1230appearance, "Father Forgets" has been reproduced, writes the
1231author, W, Livingston Larned, "in hundreds of magazines and house
1232organs, and in newspapers the country over. It has been reprinted
1233almost as extensively in many foreign languages. I have given
1234personal permission to thousands who wished to read it from school,
1235church, and lecture platforms. It has been 'on the air' on countless
1236occasions and programs. Oddly enough, college periodicals have
1237used it, and high-school magazines. Sometimes a little piece seems
1238mysteriously to 'click.' This one certainly did."
1239FATHER FORGETS W. Livingston Larned
1240Listen, son: I am saying this as you lie asleep, one little paw
1241crumpled under your cheek and the blond curls stickily wet on your
1242damp forehead. I have stolen into your room alone. Just a few
1243minutes ago, as I sat reading my paper in the library, a stifling wave
1244of remorse swept over me. Guiltily I came to your bedside.
1245There are the things I was thinking, son: I had been cross to you. I
1246scolded you as you were dressing for school because you gave your
1247face merely a dab with a towel. I took you to task for not cleaning 
1248your shoes. I called out angrily when you threw some of your things
1249on the floor.
1250At breakfast I found fault, too. You spilled things. You gulped down
1251your food. You put your elbows on the table. You spread butter too
1252thick on your bread. And as you started off to play and I made for
1253my train, you turned and waved a hand and called, "Goodbye,
1254Daddy!" and I frowned, and said in reply, "Hold your shoulders
1255back!"
1256Then it began all over again in the late afternoon. As I came up the
1257road I spied you, down on your knees, playing marbles. There were
1258holes in your stockings. I humiliated you before your boyfriends by
1259marching you ahead of me to the house. Stockings were expensive -
1260and if you had to
1261buy them you would be more careful! Imagine that, son, from a
1262father!
1263Do you remember, later, when I was reading in the library, how you
1264came in timidly, with a sort of hurt look in your eyes? When I
1265glanced up over my paper, impatient at the interruption, you
1266hesitated at the door. "What is it you want?" I snapped.
1267You said nothing, but ran across in one tempestuous plunge, and
1268threw your arms around my neck and kissed me, and your small
1269arms tightened with an affection that God had set blooming in your
1270heart and which even neglect could not wither. And then you were
1271gone, pattering up the stairs.
1272Well, son, it was shortly afterwards that my paper slipped from my
1273hands and a terrible sickening fear came over me. What has habit
1274been doing to me? The habit of finding fault, of reprimanding - this
1275was my reward to you for being a boy. It was not that I did not love
1276you; it was that I expected too much of youth. I was measuring you
1277by the yardstick of my own years.
1278And there was so much that was good and fine and true in your
1279character. The little heart of you was as big as the dawn itself over
1280the wide hills. This was shown by your spontaneous impulse to rush
1281in and kiss me good night. Nothing else matters tonight, son. I have
1282come to your bed-side in the darkness, and I have knelt there,
1283ashamed!
1284It is a feeble atonement; I know you would not understand these
1285things if I told them to you during your waking hours. But tomorrow
1286I will be a real daddy! I will chum with you, and suffer when you
1287suffer, and laugh when you laugh. I will bite my tongue when
1288impatient words come. I will keep saying as if it were a ritual: "He is
1289nothing but a boy - a little boy!" 
1290I am afraid I have visualized you as a man. Yet as I see you now,
1291son, crumpled and weary in your cot, I see that you are still a baby.
1292Yesterday you were in your mother's arms, your head on her
1293shoulder. I have asked too much, too much.
1294Instead of condemning people, let's try to understand them. Let's try
1295to figure out why they do what they do. That's a lot more profitable
1296and intriguing than criticism; and it breeds sympathy, tolerance and
1297kindness. "To know all is to forgive all."
1298As Dr. Johnson said: "God himself, sir, does not propose to judge
1299man until the end of his days."
1300Why should you and I?
1301• Principle 1 - Don't criticize, condemn or complain.
1302~~~~~~~
13032 - The Big Secret Of Dealing With People
1304There is only one way under high heaven to get anybody to do
1305anything. Did you ever stop to think of that? Yes, just one way. And
1306that is by making the other person want to do it.
1307Remember, there is no other way.
1308Of course, you can make someone want to give you his watch by
1309sticking a revolver in his ribs. YOU can make your employees give
1310you cooperation - until your back is turned - by threatening to fire
1311them. You can make a child do what you want it to do by a whip or a
1312threat. But these crude methods have sharply undesirable
1313repercussions.
1314The only way I can get you to do anything is by giving you what you
1315want.
1316What do you want?
1317Sigmund Freud said that everything you and I do springs from two
1318motives: the sex urge and the desire to be great.
1319John Dewey, one of America's most profound philosophers, phrased
1320it a bit differently. Dr. Dewey said that the deepest urge in human
1321nature is "the desire to be important." Remember that phrase: "the
1322desire to be important." It is significant. You are going to hear a lot
1323about it in this book. 
1324What do you want? Not many things, but the few that you do wish,
1325you crave with an insistence that will not be denied. Some of the
1326things most people want include:
13271. Health and the preservation of life. 2. Food. 3. Sleep. 4. Money
1328and the things money will buy. 5. Life in the hereafter. 6. Sexual
1329gratification. 7. The well-being of our children. 8. A feeling of
1330importance.
1331Almost all these wants are usually gratified-all except one. But there
1332is one longing - almost as deep, almost as imperious, as the desire
1333for food or sleep - which is seldom gratified. It is what Freud calls
1334"the desire to be great." It is what Dewey calls the "desire to be
1335important."
1336Lincoln once began a letter saying: "Everybody likes a compliment."
1337William James said: "The deepest principle in human nature is the
1338craving to be appreciated." He didn't speak, mind you, of the "wish"
1339or the "desire" or the "longing" to be appreciated. He said the
1340"craving" to be appreciated.
1341Here is a gnawing and unfaltering human hunger, and the rare
1342individual who honestly satisfies this heart hunger will hold people in
1343the palm of his or her hand and "even the undertaker will be sorry
1344when he dies."
1345The desire for a feeling of importance is one of the chief
1346distinguishing differences between mankind and the animals. To
1347illustrate: When I was a farm boy out in Missouri, my father bred fine
1348Duroc-Jersey hogs and . pedigreed white - faced cattle. We used to
1349exhibit our hogs and white-faced cattle at the country fairs and livestock
1350shows throughout the Middle West. We won first prizes by the
1351score. My father pinned his blue ribbons on a sheet of white muslin,
1352and when friends or visitors came to the house, he would get out the
1353long sheet of muslin. He would hold one end and I would hold the
1354other while he exhibited the blue ribbons.
1355The hogs didn't care about the ribbons they had won. But Father did.
1356These prizes gave him a feeling of importance.
1357If our ancestors hadn't had this flaming urge for a feeling of
1358importance, civilization would have been impossible. Without it, we
1359should have been just about like animals.
1360It was this desire for a feeling of importance that led an uneducated,
1361poverty-stricken grocery clerk to study some law books he found in
1362the bottom of a barrel of household plunder that he had bought for
1363fifty cents. You have probably heard of this grocery clerk. His name
1364was Lincoln. 
1365It was this desire for a feeling of importance that inspired Dickens to
1366write his immortal novels. This desire inspired Sir Christoper Wren to
1367design his symphonies in stone. This desire made Rockefeller amass
1368millions that he never spent! And this same desire made the richest
1369family in your town build a house far too large for its requirements.
1370This desire makes you want to wear the latest styles, drive the latest
1371cars, and talk about your brilliant children.
1372It is this desire that lures many boys and girls into joining gangs and
1373engaging in criminal activities. The average young criminal,
1374according to E. P. Mulrooney, onetime police commissioner of New
1375York, is filled with ego, and his first request after arrest is for those
1376lurid newspapers that make him out a hero. The disagreeable
1377prospect of serving time seems remote so long as he can gloat over
1378his likeness sharing space with pictures of sports figures, movie and
1379TV stars and politicians.
1380If you tell me how you get your feeling of importance, I'll tell you
1381what you are. That determines your character. That is the most
1382significant thing about you. For example, John D. Rockefeller got his
1383feeling of importance by giving money to erect a modern hospital in
1384Peking, China, to care for millions of poor people whom he had never
1385seen and never would see. Dillinger, on the other hand, got his
1386feeling of importance by being a bandit, a bank robber and killer.
1387When the FBI agents were hunting him, he dashed into a farmhouse
1388up in Minnesota and said, "I'm Dillinger!" He was proud of the fact
1389that he was Public Enemy Number One. "I'm not going to hurt you,
1390but I'm Dillinger!" he said.
1391Yes, the one significant difference between Dillinger and Rockefeller
1392is how they got their feeling of importance.
1393History sparkles with amusing examples of famous people struggling
1394for a feeling of importance. Even George Washington wanted to be
1395called "His Mightiness, the President of the United States"; and
1396Columbus pleaded for the title "Admiral of the Ocean and Viceroy of
1397India." Catherine the Great refused to open letters that were not
1398addressed to "Her Imperial Majesty"; and Mrs. Lincoln, in the White
1399House, turned upon Mrs. Grant like a tigress and shouted, "How dare
1400you be seated in my presence until I invite you!"
1401Our millionaires helped finance Admiral Byrd's expedition to the
1402Antarctic in 1928 with the understanding that ranges of icy
1403mountains would be named after them; and Victor Hugo aspired to
1404have nothing less than the city of Paris renamed in his honor. Even
1405Shakespeare, mightiest of the mighty, tried to add luster to his name
1406by procuring a coat of arms for his family. 
1407People sometimes became invalids in order to win sympathy and
1408attention, and get a feeling of importance. For example, take Mrs.
1409McKinley. She got a feeling of importance by forcing her husband,
1410the President of the United States, to neglect important affairs of
1411state while he reclined on the bed beside her for hours at a time, his
1412arm about her, soothing her to sleep. She fed her gnawing desire for
1413attention by insisting that he remain with her while she was having
1414her teeth fixed, and once created a stormy scene when he had to
1415leave her alone with the dentist while he kept an appointment with
1416John Hay, his secretary of state.
1417The writer Mary Roberts Rinehart once told me of a bright, vigorous
1418young woman who became an invalid in order to get a feeling of
1419importance. "One day," said Mrs. Rinehart, "this woman had been
1420obliged to face something, her age perhaps. The lonely years were
1421stretching ahead and there was little left for her to anticipate.
1422"She took to her bed; and for ten years her old mother traveled to
1423the third floor and back, carrying trays, nursing her. Then one day
1424the old mother, weary with service, lay down and died. For some
1425weeks, the invalid languished; then she got up, put on her clothing,
1426and resumed living again."
1427Some authorities declare that people may actually go insane in order
1428to find, in the dreamland of insanity, the feeling of importance that
1429has been denied them in the harsh world of reality. There are more
1430patients suffering from mental diseases in the United States than
1431from all other diseases combined.
1432What is the cause of insanity?
1433Nobody can answer such a sweeping question, but we know that
1434certain diseases, such as syphilis, break down and destroy the brain
1435cells and result in insanity. In fact, about one-half of all mental
1436diseases can be attributed to such physical causes as brain lesions,
1437alcohol, toxins and injuries. But the other half - and this is the
1438appalling part of the story - the other half of the people who go
1439insane apparently have nothing organically wrong with their brain
1440cells. In post-mortem examinations, when their brain tissues are
1441studied under the highest-powered microscopes, these tissues are
1442found to be apparently just as healthy as yours and mine.
1443Why do these people go insane?
1444I put that question to the head physician of one of our most
1445important psychiatric hospitals. This doctor, who has received the
1446highest honors and the most coveted awards for his knowledge of
1447this subject, told me frankly that he didn't know why people went
1448insane. Nobody knows for sure But he did say that many people who 
1449go insane find in insanity a feeling of importance that they were
1450unable to achieve in the world of reality. Then he told me this story:
1451"I have a patient right now whose marriage proved to be a tragedy.
1452She wanted love, sexual gratification, children and social prestige,
1453but life blasted all her hopes. Her husband didn't love her. He
1454refused even to eat with her and forced her to serve his meals in his
1455room upstairs. She had no children, no social standing. She went
1456insane; and, in her imagination, she divorced her husband and
1457resumed her maiden name. She now believes she has married into
1458English aristocracy, and she insists on being called Lady Smith.
1459"And as for children, she imagines now that she has had a new child
1460every night. Each time I call on her she says: 'Doctor, I had a baby
1461last night.' "
1462Life once wrecked all her dream ships on the sharp rocks of reality;
1463but in the sunny, fantasy isles of insanity, all her barkentines race
1464into port with canvas billowing and winds singing through the masts.
1465" Tragic? Oh, I don't know. Her physician said to me: If I could
1466stretch out my hand and restore her sanity, I wouldn't do it. She's
1467much happier as she is."
1468If some people are so hungry for a feeling of importance that they
1469actually go insane to get it, imagine what miracle you and I can
1470achieve by giving people honest appreciation this side of insanity.
1471One of the first people in American business to be paid a salary of
1472over a million dollars a year (when there was no income tax and a
1473person earning fifty dollars a week was considered well off) was
1474Charles Schwab, He had been picked by Andrew Carnegie to become
1475the first president of the newly formed United States Steel Company
1476in 1921, when Schwab was only thirty-eight years old. (Schwab later
1477left U.S. Steel to take over the then-troubled Bethlehem Steel
1478Company, and he rebuilt it into one of the most profitable companies
1479in America.)
1480Why did Andrew Carnegie pay a million dollars a year, or more than
1481three thousand dollars a day, to Charles Schwab? Why? Because
1482Schwab was a genius? No. Because he knew more about the
1483manufacture of steel than other people? Nonsense. Charles Schwab
1484told me himself that he had many men working for him who knew
1485more about the manufacture of steel than he did.
1486Schwab says that he was paid this salary largely because of his
1487ability to deal with people. I asked him how he did it. Here is his
1488secret set down in his own words - words that ought to be cast in
1489eternal bronze and hung in every home and school, every shop and
1490office in the land - words that children ought to memorize instead of 
1491wasting their time memorizing the conjugation of Latin verbs or the
1492amount of the annual rainfall in Brazil - words that will all but
1493transform your life and mine if we will only live them:
1494"I consider my ability to arouse enthusiasm among my people," said
1495Schwab, "the greatest asset I possess, and the way to develop the
1496best that is in a person is by appreciation and encouragement.
1497"There is nothing else that so kills the ambitions of a person as
1498criticisms from superiors. I never criticize any-one. I believe in giving
1499a person incentive to work. So I am anxious to praise but loath to
1500find fault. If I like anything, I am hearty in my approbation and lavish
1501in my praise. "
1502That is what Schwab did. But what do average people do? The exact
1503opposite. If they don't like a thing, they bawl out their subordinates;
1504if they do like it, they say nothing. As the old couplet says: "Once I
1505did bad and that I heard ever/Twice I did good, but that I heard
1506never."
1507"In my wide association in life, meeting with many and great people
1508in various parts of the world," Schwab declared, "I have yet to find
1509the person, however great or exalted his station, who did not do
1510better work and put forth greater effort under a spirit of approval
1511than he would ever do under a spirit of criticism."
1512That he said, frankly, was one of the outstanding reasons for the
1513phenomenal success of Andrew Carnegie. Carnegie praised his
1514associates publicly as well as pr-vately.
1515Carnegie wanted to praise his assistants even on his tombstone. He
1516wrote an epitaph for himself which read: "Here lies one who knew
1517how to get around him men who were cleverer than himself:"
1518Sincere appreciation was one of the secrets of the first John D.
1519Rockefeller's success in handling men. For example, when one of his
1520partners, Edward T. Bedford, lost a million dollars for the firm by a
1521bad buy in South America, John D. might have criticized; but he
1522knew Bedford had done his best - and the incident was closed. So
1523Rockefeller found something to praise; he congratulated Bedford
1524because he had been able to save 60 percent of the money he had
1525invested. "That's splendid," said Rockefeller. "We don't always do as
1526well as that upstairs."
1527I have among my clippings a story that I know never happened, but
1528it illustrates a truth, so I'll repeat it:
1529According to this silly story, a farm woman, at the end of a heavy
1530day's work, set before her menfolks a heaping pile of hay. And when
1531they indignantly demanded whether she had gone crazy, she replied: 
1532"Why, how did I know you'd notice? I've been cooking for you men
1533for the last twenty years and in all that time I ain't heard no word to
1534let me know you wasn't just eating hay."
1535When a study was made a few years ago on runaway wives, what do
1536you think was discovered to be the main reason wives ran away? It
1537was "lack of appreciation." And I'd bet that a similar study made of
1538runaway husbands would come out the same way. We often take our
1539spouses so much for granted that we never let them know we
1540appreciate them.
1541A member of one of our classes told of a request made by his wife.
1542She and a group of other women in her church were involved in a
1543self-improvement program. She asked her husband to help her by
1544listing six things he believed she could do to help her become a
1545better wife. He reported to the class: "I was surprised by such a
1546request. Frankly, it would have been easy for me to list six things I
1547would like to change about her - my heavens, she could have listed a
1548thousand things she would like to change about me - but I didn't. I
1549said to her, 'Let me think about it and give you an answer in the
1550morning.'
1551"The next morning I got up very early and called the florist and had
1552them send six red roses to my wife with a note saying: 'I can't think
1553of six things I would like to change about you. I love you the way
1554you are.'
1555"When I arrived at home that evening, who do you think greeted me
1556at the door: That's right. My wife! She was almost in tears. Needless
1557to say, I was extremely glad I had not criticized her as she had
1558requested.
1559"The following Sunday at church, after she had reported the results
1560of her assignment, several women with whom she had been studying
1561came up to me and said, 'That was the most considerate thing I
1562have ever heard.' It was then I realized the power of appreciation."
1563Florenz Ziegfeld, the most spectacular producer who ever dazzled
1564Broadway, gained his reputation by his subtle ability to "glorify the
1565American girl." Time after time, he took drab little creatures that no
1566one ever looked at twice and transformed them on the stage into
1567glamorous visions of mystery and seduction. Knowing the value of
1568appreciation and confidence, he made women feel beautiful by the
1569sheer power of his gallantry and consideration. He was practical: he
1570raised the salary of chorus girls from thirty dollars a week to as high
1571as one hundred and seventy-five. And he was also chivalrous; on
1572opening night at the Follies, he sent telegrams to the stars in the
1573cast, and he deluged every chorus girl in the show with American
1574Beauty roses. 
1575I once succumbed to the fad of fasting and went for six days and
1576nights without eating. It wasn't difficult. I was less hungry at the end
1577of the sixth day than I was at the end of the second. Yet I know, as
1578you know, people who would think they had committed a crime if
1579they let their families or employees go for six days without food; but
1580they will let them go for six days, and six weeks, and sometimes
1581sixty years without giving them the hearty appreciation that they
1582crave almost as much as they crave food.
1583When Alfred Lunt, one of the great actors of his time, played the
1584leading role in Reunion in Vienna, he said, "There is nothing I need
1585so much as nourishment for my self-esteem."
1586We nourish the bodies of our children and friends and employees,
1587but how seldom do we nourish their selfesteem? We provide them
1588with roast beef and potatoes to build energy, but we neglect to give
1589them kind words of appreciation that would sing in their memories
1590for years like the music of the morning stars.
1591Paul Harvey, in one of his radio broadcasts, "The Rest of the Story,"
1592told how showing sincere appreciation can change a person's life. He
1593reported that years ago a teacher in Detroit asked Stevie Morris to
1594help her find a mouse that was lost in the classroom. You see, she
1595appreciated the fact that nature had given Stevie something no one
1596else in the room had. Nature had given Stevie a remarkable pair of
1597ears to compensate for his blind eyes. But this was really the first
1598time Stevie had been shown appreciation for those talented ears.
1599Now, years later, he says that this act of appreciation was the
1600beginning of a new life. You see, from that time on he developed his
1601gift of hearing and went on to become, under the stage name of
1602Stevie Wonder, one of the great pop singers and and songwriters of
1603the seventies.*
1604* Paul Aurandt, Paul Harvey's The Rest of the Story (New York:
1605Doubleday, 1977). Edited and compiled by Lynne Harvey. Copyright
1606(c) by Paulynne, Inc.
1607Some readers are saying right now as they read these lines: "Oh,
1608phooey! Flattery! Bear oil! I've tried that stuff. It doesn't work - not
1609with intelligent people."
1610Of course flattery seldom works with discerning people. It is shallow,
1611selfish and insincere. It ought to fail and it usually does. True, some
1612people are so hungry, so thirsty, for appreciation that they will
1613swallow anything, just as a starving man will eat grass and
1614fishworms.
1615Even Queen Victoria was susceptible to flattery. Prime Minister
1616Benjamin Disraeli confessed that he put it on thick in dealing with
1617the Queen. To use his exact words, he said he "spread it on with a 
1618trowel." But Disraeli was one of the most polished, deft and adroit
1619men who ever ruled the far-flung British Empire. He was a genius in
1620his line. What would work for him wouldn't necessarily work for you
1621and me. In the long run, flattery will do you more harm than good.
1622Flattery is counterfeit, and like counterfeit money, it will eventually
1623get you into trouble if you pass it to someone else.
1624The difference between appreciation and flattery? That is simple.
1625One is sincere and the other insincere. One comes from the heart
1626out; the other from the teeth out. One is unselfish; the other selfish.
1627One is universally admired; the other universally condemned.
1628I recently saw a bust of Mexican hero General Alvaro Obregon in the
1629Chapultepec palace in Mexico City. Below the bust are carved these
1630wise words from General Obregon's philosophy: "Don't be afraid of
1631enemies who attack you. Be afraid of the friends who flatter you."
1632No! No! No! I am not suggesting flattery! Far from it. I'm talking
1633about a new way of life. Let me repeat. I am talking about a new
1634way of life.
1635King George V had a set of six maxims displayed on the walls of his
1636study at Buckingham Palace. One of these maxims said: "Teach me
1637neither to proffer nor receive cheap praise." That's all flattery is -
1638cheap praise. I once read a definition of flattery that may be worth
1639repeating: "Flattery is telling the other person precisely what he
1640thinks about himself."
1641"Use what language you will," said Ralph Waldo Emerson, "you can
1642never say anything but what you are ."
1643If all we had to do was flatter, everybody would catch on and we
1644should all be experts in human relations.
1645When we are not engaged in thinking about some definite problem,
1646we usually spend about 95 percent of our time thinking about
1647ourselves. Now, if we stop thinking about ourselves for a while and
1648begin to think of the other person's good points, we won't have to
1649resort to flattery so cheap and false that it can be spotted almost
1650before it is out of the mouth,
1651One of the most neglected virtues of our daily existence is
1652appreciation, Somehow, we neglect to praise our son or daughter
1653when he or she brings home a good report card, and we fail to
1654encourage our children when they first succeed in baking a cake or
1655building a birdhouse.
1656Nothing pleases children more than this kind of parental interest and
1657approval. 
1658The next time you enjoy filet mignon at the club, send word to the
1659chef that it was excellently prepared, and when a tired salesperson
1660shows you unusual courtesy, please mention it.
1661Every minister, lecturer and public speaker knows the
1662discouragement of pouring himself or herself out to an audience and
1663not receiving a single ripple of appreciative comment. What applies
1664to professionals applies doubly to workers in offices, shops and
1665factories and our families and friends. In our interpersonal relations
1666we should never forget that all our associates are human beings and
1667hunger for appreciation. It is the legal tender that all souls enjoy.
1668Try leaving a friendly trail of little sparks of gratitude on your daily
1669trips. You will be surprised how they will set small flames of
1670friendship that will be rose beacons on your next visit.
1671Pamela Dunham of New Fairfield, Connecticut, had among her
1672responsibilities on her job the supervision of a janitor who was doing
1673a very poor job. The other employees would jeer at him and litter the
1674hallways to show him what a bad job he was doing. It was so bad,
1675productive time was being lost in the shop.
1676Without success, Pam tried various ways to motivate this person.
1677She noticed that occasionally he did a particularly good piece of
1678work. She made a point to praise him for it in front of the other
1679people. Each day the job he did all around got better, and pretty
1680soon he started doing all his work efficiently. Now he does an
1681excellent job and other people give him appreciation and recognition.
1682Honest appreciation got results where criticism and ridicule failed.
1683Hurting people not only does not change them, it is never called for.
1684There is an old saying that I have cut out and pasted on my mirror
1685where I cannot help but see it every day:
1686I shall pass this way but once; any good, therefore, that I can do or
1687any kindness that I can show to any human being, let me do it now.
1688Let me not defer nor neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again.
1689Emerson said: "Every man I meet is my superior in some way, In
1690that, I learn of him."
1691If that was true of Emerson, isn't it likely to be a thousand times
1692more true of you and me? Let's cease thinking of our
1693accomplishments, our wants. Let's try to figure out the other
1694person's good points. Then forget flattery. Give honest, sincere
1695appreciation. Be "hearty in your approbation and lavish in your
1696praise," and people will cherish your words and treasure them and
1697repeat them over a lifetime - repeat them years after you have
1698forgotten them. 
1699• Principle 2 Give honest and sincere appreciation.
1700~~~~~~~
17013 - "He Who Can Do This Has The Whole World With Him. He Who
1702Cannot Walks A Lonely Way"
1703I often went fishing up in Maine during the summer. Personally I am
1704very fond of strawberries and cream, but I have found that for some
1705strange reason, fish prefer worms. So when I went fishing, I didn't
1706think about what I wanted. I thought about what they wanted. I
1707didn't bait the hook with strawberries and cream. Rather, I dangled a
1708worm or a grasshopper in front of the fish and said: "Wouldn't you
1709like to have that?"
1710Why not use the same common sense when fishing for people?
1711That is what Lloyd George, Great Britain's Prime Minister during
1712World War I, did. When someone asked him how he managed to
1713stay in power after the other wartime leaders - Wilson, Orlando and
1714Clemenceau - had been forgotten, he replied that if his staying on
1715top might be attributed to any one thing, it would be to his having
1716learned that it was necessary to bait the hook to suit the fish .
1717Why talk about what we want? That is childish. Absurd. Of course,
1718you are interested in what you want. You are eternally interested in
1719it. But no one else is. The rest of us are just like you: we are
1720interested in what we want.
1721So the only way cm earth to influence other people is to talk about
1722what they want and show them how to get it.
1723Remember that tomorrow when you are trying to get somebody to
1724do something. If, for example, you don't want your children to
1725smoke, don't preach at them, and don't talk about what you want;
1726but show them that cigarettes may keep them from making the
1727basketball team or winning the hundred-yard dash.
1728This is a good thing to remember regardless of whether you are
1729dealing with children or calves or chimpanzees. For example: one
1730day Ralph Waldo Emerson and his son tried to get a calf into the
1731barn. But they made the common mistake of thinking only of what
1732they wanted: Emerson pushed and his son pulled. But the calf was
1733doing just what they were doing; he was thinking only of what he
1734wanted; so he stiffened his legs and stubbornly refused to leave the
1735pasture. The Irish housemaid saw their predicament. She couldn't
1736write essays and books; but, on this occasion at least, she had more
1737horse sense, or calf sense, than Emerson had. She thought of what
1738the calf wanted; so she put her maternal finger in the calf's mouth
1739and let the calf suck her finger as she gently led him into the barn. 
1740Every act you have ever performed since the day you were born was
1741performed because you wanted something. How about the time you
1742gave a large contribution to the Red Cross? Yes, that is no exception
1743to the rule. You gave the Red Cross the donation because you
1744wanted to lend a helping hand; you wanted to do a beautiful,
1745unselfish, divine act. " Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the
1746least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me."
1747If you hadn't wanted that feeling more than you wanted your money,
1748you would not have made the contribution. Of course, you might
1749have made the contribution because you were ashamed to refuse or
1750because a customer asked you to do it. But one thing is certain. You
1751made the contribution because you wanted something.
1752Harry A, Overstreet in his illuminating book Influencing Human
1753Behavior said; "Action springs out of what we fundamentally desire
1754... and the best piece of advice which can be given to would-be
1755persuaders, whether in business, in the home, in the school, in
1756politics, is: First, arouse in the other person an eager want. He who
1757can do this has the whole world with him. He who cannot walks a
1758lonely way."
1759Andrew Carnegie, the poverty-stricken Scotch lad who started to
1760work at two cents an hour and finally gave away $365 million,
1761learned early in life that the only way to influence people is to talk in
1762terms of what the other person wants. He attended school only four
1763years; yet he learned how to handle people.
1764To illustrate: His sister-in-law was worried sick over her two boys.
1765They were at Yale, and they were so busy with their own affairs that
1766they neglected to write home and paid no attention whatever to their
1767mother's frantic letters.
1768Then Carnegie offered to wager a hundred dollars that he could get
1769an answer by return mail, without even asking for it. Someone called
1770his bet; so he wrote his nephews a chatty letter, mentioning casually
1771in a post-script that he was sending each one a five-dollar bill.
1772He neglected, however, to enclose the money.
1773Back came replies by return mail thanking "Dear Uncle Andrew" for
1774his kind note and-you can finish the sentence yourself.
1775Another example of persuading comes from Stan Novak of Cleveland,
1776Ohio, a participant in our course. Stan came home from work one
1777evening to find his youngest son, Tim, kicking and screaming on the
1778living room floor. He was to start kindergarten the next day and was
1779protesting that he would not go. Stan's normal reaction would have
1780been to banish the child to his room and tell him he'd just better 
1781make up his mind to go. He had no choice. But tonight, recognizing
1782that this would not really help Tim start kindergarten in the best
1783frame of mind, Stan sat down and thought, "If I were Tim, why
1784would I be excited about going to kindergarten?" He and his wife
1785made a list of all the fun things Tim would do such as finger painting,
1786singing songs, making new friends. Then they put them into action.
1787"We all started finger-painting on the kitchen table-my wife, Lil, my
1788other son Bob, and myself, all having fun. Soon Tim was peeping
1789around the corner. Next he was begging to participate. 'Oh, no! You
1790have to go to kindergarten first to learn how to finger-paint.' With all
1791the enthusiasm I could muster I went through the list talking in
1792terms he could understand-telling him all the fun he would have in
1793kindergarten. The next morning, I thought I was the first one up. I
1794went downstairs and found Tim sitting sound asleep in the living
1795room chair. 'What are you doing here?' I asked. 'I'm waiting to go to
1796kindergarten. I don't want to be late.' The enthusiasm of our entire
1797family had aroused in Tim an eager want that no amount of
1798discussion or threat could have possibly accomplished."
1799Tomorrow you may want to persuade somebody to do something.
1800Before you speak, pause and ask yourself: "How can I make this
1801person want to do it?"
1802That question will stop us from rushing into a situation heedlessly,
1803with futile chatter about our desires.
1804At one time I rented the grand ballroom of a certain New York hotel
1805for twenty nights in each season in order to hold a series of lectures.
1806At the beginning of one season, I was suddenly informed that I
1807should have to pay almost three times as much rent as formerly.
1808This news reached me after the tickets had been printed and
1809distributed and all announcements had been made.
1810Naturally, I didn't want to pay the increase, but what was the use of
1811talking to the hotel about what I wanted? They were interested only
1812in what they wanted. So a couple of days later I went to see the
1813manager.
1814"I was a bit shocked when I got your letter," I said, "but I don't
1815blame you at all. If I had been in your position, I should probably
1816have written a similar letter myself. Your duty as the manager of the
1817hotel is to make all the profit possible. If you don't do that, you will
1818be fired and you ought to be fired. Now, let's take a piece of paper
1819and write down the advantages and the disadvantages that will
1820accrue to you, if you insist on this increase in rent."
1821Then I took a letterhead and ran a line through the center and
1822headed one column "Advantages" and the other column
1823"Disadvantages." 
1824I wrote down under the head "Advantages" these words: "Ballroom
1825free." Then I went on to say: "You will have the advantage of having
1826the ballroom free to rent for dances and conventions. That is a big
1827advantage, for affairs like that will pay you much more than you can
1828get for a series of lectures. If I tie your ballroom up for twenty nights
1829during the course of the season, it is sure to mean a loss of some
1830very profitable business to you.
1831"Now, let's 'consider the disadvantages. First, instead of increasing
1832your income from me, you are going to decrease it. In fact, you are
1833going to wipe it out because I cannot pay the rent you are asking. I
1834shall be forced to hold these lectures at some other place.
1835"There's another disadvantage to you also. These lectures attract
1836crowds of educated and cultured people to your hotel. That is good
1837advertising for you, isn't it? In fact, if you spent five thousand dollars
1838advertising in the newspapers, you couldn't bring as many people to
1839look at your hotel as I can bring by these lectures. That is worth a lot
1840to a hotel, isn't it?"
1841As I talked, I wrote these two "disadvantages" under the proper
1842heading, and handed the sheet of paper to the manager, saying: "I
1843wish you would carefully consider both the advantages and
1844disadvantages that are going to accrue to you and then give me your
1845final decision."
1846I received a letter the next day, informing me that my rent would be
1847increased only 50 percent instead of 300 percent.
1848Mind you, I got this reduction without saying a word about what I
1849wanted. I talked all the time about what the other person wanted
1850and how he could get it.
1851Suppose I had done the human, natural thing; suppose I had
1852stormed into his office and said, "What do you mean by raising my
1853rent three hundred percent when you know the tickets have been
1854printed and the announcements made? Three hundred percent!
1855Ridiculous! Absurd! I won't pay it!"
1856What would have happened then? An argument would have begun
1857to steam and boil and sputter - and you know how arguments end.
1858Even if I had convinced him that he was wrong, his pride would have
1859made it difficult for him to back down and give in.
1860Here is one of the best bits of advice ever given about the fine art of
1861human relationships. "If there is any one secret of success," said
1862Henry Ford, "it lies in the ability to get the other person's point of
1863view and see things from that person's angle as well as from your
1864own." 
1865That is so good, I want to repeat it: "If there is any one secret of
1866success, it lies in the ability to get the other person's point of view
1867and see things from that person's angle as well as from your own."
1868That is so simple, so obvious, that anyone ought to see the truth of it
1869at a glance; yet 90 percent of the people on this earth ignore it 90
1870percent of the time.
1871An example? Look at the letters that come across your desk
1872tomorrow morning, and you will find that most of them violate this
1873important canon of common sense. Take this one, a letter written by
1874the head of the radio department of an advertising agency with
1875offices scattered across the continent. This letter was sent to the
1876managers of local radio stations throughout the country. (I have set
1877down, in brackets, my reactions to each paragraph.)
1878Mr. John Blank, Blankville, Indiana
1879Dear Mr. Blank: The ------ company desires to retain its position in
1880advertising agency leadership in the radio field.
1881[Who cares what your company desires? I am worried about my own
1882problems. The bank is foreclosing the mortage on my house, the
1883bugs are destroying the hollyhocks, the stock market tumbled
1884yesterday. I missed the eight-fifteen this morning, I wasn't invited to
1885the Jones's dance last night, the doctor tells me I have high blood
1886pressure and neuritis and dandruff. And then what happens? I come
1887down to the office this morning worried, open my mail and here is
1888some little whippersnapper off in New York yapping about what his
1889company wants. Bah! If he only realized what sort of impression his
1890letter makes, he would get out of the advertising business and start
1891manufacturing sheep dip.]
1892This agency's national advertising accounts were the bulwark of the
1893network. Our subsequent clearances of station time have kept us at
1894the top of agencies year after year.
1895[You are big and rich and right at the top, are you? So what? I don't
1896give two whoops in Hades if you are as big as General Motors and
1897General Electric and the General Staff of the U.S. Army all combined.
1898If you had as much sense as a half-witted hummingbird, you would
1899realize that I am interested in how big I am - not how big you are.
1900All this talk about your enormous success makes me feel small and
1901unimportant.]
1902We desire to service our accounts with the last word on radio station
1903information. 
1904[You desire! You desire. You unmitigated ass. I'm not interested in
1905what you desire or what the President of the United States desires.
1906Let me tell you once and for all that I am interested in what I desire
1907- and you haven't said a word about that yet in this absurd letter of
1908yours .]
1909Will you, therefore, put the ---------- company on your preferred list
1910for weekly station information - every single detail that will be useful
1911to an agency in intelligently booking time.
1912["Preferred list." You have your nerve! You make me feel
1913insignificant by your big talk about your company - nd then you ask
1914me to put you on a "preferred" list, and you don't even say "please"
1915when you ask it.]
1916A prompt acknowledgment of this letter, giving us your latest
1917"doings," will be mutually helpful.
1918[You fool! You mail me a cheap form letter - a letter scattered far
1919and wide like the autumn leaves - and you have the gall to ask me,
1920when I am worried about the mortgage and the hollyhocks and my
1921blood pressure, to sit down and dictate a personal note
1922acknowledging your form letter - and you ask me to do it "promptly."
1923What do you mean, "promptly".? Don't you know I am just as busy
1924as you are - or, at least, I like to think I am. And while we are on the
1925subject, who gave you the lordly right to order me around? ... You
1926say it will be "mutually helpful." At last, at last, you have begun to
1927see my viewpoint. But you are vague about how it will be to my
1928advantage.]
1929Very truly yours, John Doe Manager Radio Department
1930P.S. The enclosed reprint from the Blankville Journal will be of
1931interest to you, and you may want to broadcast it over your station.
1932[Finally, down here in the postscript, you mention something that
1933may help me solve one of my problems. Why didn't you begin your
1934letter with - but what's the use? Any advertising man who is guilty of
1935perpetrating such drivel as you have sent me has something wrong
1936with his medulla oblongata. You don't need a letter giving our latest
1937doings. What you need is a quart of iodine in your thyroid gland.]
1938Now, if people who devote their lives to advertising and who pose as
1939experts in the art of influencing people to buy - if they write a letter
1940like that, what can we expect from the butcher and baker or the auto
1941mechanic?
1942Here is another letter, written by the superintendent of a large
1943freight terminal to a student of this course, Edward Vermylen. What 
1944effect did this letter have on the man to whom it was addressed?
1945Read it and then I'll tell you.
1946A. Zerega's Sons, Inc. 28 Front St. Brooklyn, N.Y. 11201 Attention:
1947Mr. Edward Vermylen Gentlemen:
1948The operations at our outbound-rail-receiving station are
1949handicapped because a material percentage of the total business is
1950delivered us in the late afternoon. This condition results in
1951congestion, overtime on the part of our forces, delays to trucks, and
1952in some cases delays to freight. On November 10, we received from
1953your company a lot of 510 pieces, which reached here at 4:20 P.M.
1954We solicit your cooperation toward overcoming the undesirable
1955effects arising from late receipt of freight. May we ask that, on days
1956on which you ship the volume which was received on the above
1957date, effort be made either to get the truck here earlier or to deliver
1958us part of the freight during the morning?
1959The advantage that would accrue to you under such an arrangement
1960would be that of more expeditious discharge of your trucks and the
1961assurance that your business would go forward on the date of its
1962receipt.
1963Very truly yours, J----- B ----- Supt.
1964After reading this letter, Mr. Vermylen, sales manager for A. Zerega's
1965Sons, Inc., sent it to me with the following comment:
1966This letter had the reverse effect from that which was intended. The
1967letter begins by describing the Terminal's difficulties, in which we are
1968not interested, generally speaking. Our cooperation is then requested
1969without any thought as to whether it would inconvenience us, and
1970then, finally, in the last paragraph, the fact is mentioned that if we
1971do cooperate it will mean more expeditious discharge of our trucks
1972with the assurance that our freight will go forward on the date of its
1973receipt.
1974In other words, that in which we are most interested is mentioned
1975last and the whole effect is one of raising a spirit of antagonism
1976rather than of cooperation.
1977Let's see if we can't rewrite and improve this letter. Let's not waste
1978any time talking about our problems. As Henry Ford admonishes,
1979let's "get the other person's point of view and see things from his or
1980her angle, as well as from our own."
1981Here is one way of revising the letter. It may not be the best way,
1982but isn't it an improvement? 
1983Mr. Edward Vermylen % A. Zerega's Sons, Inc. 28 Front St.
1984Brooklyn, N.Y. 11201
1985Dear Mr. Vermylen:
1986Your company has been one of our good customers for fourteen
1987years. Naturally, we are very grateful for your patronage and are
1988eager to give you the speedy, efficient service you deserve.
1989However, we regret to say that it isn't possible for us to do that
1990when your trucks bring us a large shipment late in the afternoon, as
1991they did on November 10. Why? Because many other customers
1992make late afternoon deliveries also. Naturally, that causes
1993congestion. That means your trucks are held up unavoidably at the
1994pier and sometimes even your freight is delayed.
1995That's bad, but it can be avoided. If you make your deliveries at the
1996pier in the morning when possible, your trucks will be able to keep
1997moving, your freight will get immediate attention, and our workers
1998will get home early at night to enjoy a dinner of the delicious
1999macaroni and noodles that you manufacture.
2000Regardless of when your shipments arrive, we shall always cheerfully
2001do all in our power to serve you promptly. You are busy. Please don't
2002trouble to answer this note.
2003Yours truly, J----- B-----, supt.
2004Barbara Anderson, who worked in a bank in New York, desired to
2005move to Phoenix, Arizona, because of the health of her son. Using
2006the principles she had learned in our course, she wrote the following
2007letter to twelve banks in Phoenix:
2008Dear Sir:
2009My ten years of bank experience should be of interest to a rapidly
2010growing bank like yours.
2011In various capacities in bank operations with the Bankers Trust
2012Company in New York, leading to my present assignment as Branch
2013Manager, I have acquired skills in all phases of banking including
2014depositor relations, credits, loans and administration.
2015I will be relocating to Phoenix in May and I am sure I can contribute
2016to your growth and profit. I will be in Phoenix the week of April 3
2017and would appreciate the opportunity to show you how I can help
2018your bank meet its goals.
2019Sincerely, Barbara L. Anderson 
2020Do you think Mrs. Anderson received any response from that letter?
2021Eleven of the twelve banks invited her to be interviewed, and she
2022had a choice of which bank's offer to accept. Why? Mrs. Anderson
2023did not state what she wanted, but wrote in the letter how she could
2024help them, and focused on their wants, not her own.
2025Thousands of salespeople are pounding the pavements today, tired,
2026discouraged and underpaid. Why? Because they are always thinking
2027only of what they want. They don't realize that neither you nor I
2028want to buy anything. If we did, we would go out and buy it. But
2029both of us are eternally interested in solving our problems. And if
2030salespeople can show us how their services or merchandise will help
2031us solve our problems, they won't need to sell us. We'll buy. And
2032customers like to feel that they are buying - not being sold.
2033Yet many salespeople spend a lifetime in selling without seeing
2034things from the customer's angle. For example, for many years I
2035lived in Forest Hills, a little community of private homes in the center
2036of Greater New York. One day as I was rushing to the station, I
2037chanced to meet a real-estate operator who had bought and sold
2038property in that area for many years. He knew Forest Hills well, so I
2039hurriedly asked him whether or not my stucco house was built with
2040metal lath or hollow tile. He said he didn't know and told me what I
2041already knew - that I could find out by calling the Forest Hills Garden
2042Association. The following morning, I received a letter from him. Did
2043he give me the information I wanted? He could have gotten it in
2044sixty seconds by a telephone call. But he didn't. He told me again
2045that I could get it by telephoning, and then asked me to let him
2046handle my insurance.
2047He was not interested in helping me. He was interested only in
2048helping himself.
2049J. Howard Lucas of Birmingham, Alabama, tells how two salespeople
2050from the same company handled the same type of situation, He
2051reported:
2052"Several years ago I was on the management team of a small
2053company. Headquartered near us was the district office of a large
2054insurance company. Their agents were assigned territories, and our
2055company was assigned to two agents, whom I shall refer to as Carl
2056and John.
2057"One morning, Carl dropped by our office and casually mentioned
2058that his company had just introduced a new life insurance policy for
2059executives and thought we might be interested later on and he
2060would get back to us when he had more information on it.
2061"The same day, John saw us on the sidewalk while returning from a
2062coffee break, and he shouted: 'Hey Luke, hold up, I have some great 
2063news for you fellows.' He hurried over and very excitedly told us
2064about an executive life insurance policy his company had introduced
2065that very day. (It was the same policy that Carl had casually
2066mentioned.) He wanted us to have one of the first issued. He gave
2067us a few important facts about the coverage and ended saying, 'The
2068policy is so new, I'm going to have someone from the home office
2069come out tomorrow and explain it. Now, in the meantime, let's get
2070the applications signed and on the way so he can have more
2071information to work with.' His enthusiasm aroused in us an eager
2072want for this policy even though we still did not have details, When
2073they were made available to us, they confirmed John's initial
2074understanding of the policy, and he not only sold each of us a policy,
2075but later doubled our coverage.
2076"Carl could have had those sales, but he made no effort to arouse in
2077us any desire for the policies."
2078The world is full of people who are grabbing and self-seeking. So the
2079rare individual who unselfishly tries to serve others has an enormous
2080advantage. He has little competition. Owen D. Young, a noted lawyer
2081and one of America's great business leaders, once said: "People who
2082can put themselves in the place of other people who can understand
2083the workings of their minds, need never worry about what the future
2084has in store for them."
2085If out of reading this book you get just one thing - an increased
2086tendency to think always in terms of other people's point of view,
2087and see things from their angle - if you get that one thing out of this
2088book, it may easily prove to be one of the building blocks of your
2089career.
2090Looking at the other person's point of view and arousing in him an
2091eager want for something is not to be construed as manipulating
2092that person so that he will do something that is only for your benefit
2093and his detriment. Each party should gain from the negotiation. In
2094the letters to Mr. Vermylen, both the sender and the receiver of the
2095correspondence gained by implementing what was suggested. Both
2096the bank and Mrs. Anderson won by her letter in that the bank
2097obtained a valuable employee and Mrs. Anderson a suitable job. And
2098in the example of John's sale of insurance to Mr. Lucas, both gained
2099through this transaction.
2100Another example in which everybody gains through this principle of
2101arousing an eager want comes from Michael E. Whidden of Warwick,
2102Rhode Island, who is a territory salesman for the Shell Oil Company.
2103Mike wanted to become the Number One salesperson in his district,
2104but one service station was holding him back. It was run by an older
2105man who could not be motivated to clean up his station. It was in
2106such poor shape that sales were declining significantly. 
2107This manager would not listen to any of Mike's pleas to upgrade the
2108station. After many exhortations and heart-to-heart talks - all of
2109which had no impact - Mike decided to invite the manager to visit the
2110newest Shell station in his territory.
2111The manager was so impressed by the facilities at the new station
2112that when Mike visited him the next time, his station was cleaned up
2113and had recorded a sales increase. This enabled Mike to reach the
2114Number One spot in his district. All his talking and discussion hadn't
2115helped, but by arousing an eager want in the manager, by showing
2116him the modern station, he had accomplished his goal, and both the
2117manager and Mike benefited.
2118Most people go through college and learn to read Virgil and master
2119the mysteries of calculus without ever discovering how their own
2120minds function. For instance: I once gave a course in Effective
2121Speaking for the young college graduates who were entering the
2122employ of the Carrier Corporation, the large air-conditioner
2123manufacturer. One of the participants wanted to persuade the others
2124to play basketball in their free time, and this is about what he said:
2125"I want you to come out and play basketball. I like to play basketball,
2126but the last few times I've been to the gymnasium there haven't
2127been enough people to get up a game. Two or three of us got to
2128throwing the ball around the other night - and I got a black eye. I
2129wish all of you would come down tomorrow night. I want to play
2130basketball."
2131Did he talk about anything you want? You don't want to go to a
2132gymnasium that no one else goes to, do you? You don't care about
2133what he wants. You don't want to get a black eye.
2134Could he have shown you how to get the things you want by using
2135the gymnasium? Surely. More pep. Keener edge to the appetite.
2136Clearer brain. Fun. Games. Basketball.
2137To repeat Professor Overstreet's wise advice: First, arouse in the
2138other person an eager want He who can do this has the whole world
2139with him. He who cannot walks a lonely way.
2140One of the students in the author's training course was worried
2141about his little boy. The child was underweight and refused to eat
2142properly. His parents used the usual method. They scolded and
2143nagged. "Mother wants you to eat this and that." "Father wants you
2144to grow up to be a big man."
2145Did the boy pay any attention to these pleas? Just about as much as
2146you pay to one fleck of sand on a sandy beach.
2147No one with a trace of horse sense would expect a child three years
2148old to react to the viewpoint of a father thirty years old. Yet that was 
2149precisely what that father had expected. It was absurd. He finally
2150saw that. So he said to himself: "What does that boy want? How can
2151I tie up what I want to what he wants?"
2152It was easy for the father when he starting thinking about it. His boy
2153had a tricycle that he loved to ride up and down the sidewalk in front
2154of the house in Brooklyn. A few doors down the street lived a bully -
2155a bigger boy who would pull the little boy off his tricycle and ride it
2156himself.
2157Naturally, the little boy would run screaming to his mother, and she
2158would have to come out and take the bully off the tricycle and put
2159her little boy on again, This happened almost every day.
2160What did the little boy want? It didn't take a Sherlock Holmes to
2161answer that one. His pride, his anger, his desire for a feeling of
2162importance - all the strongest emotions in his makeup - goaded him
2163to get revenge, to smash the bully in the nose. And when his father
2164explained that the boy would be able to wallop the daylights out of
2165the bigger kid someday if he would only eat the things his mother
2166wanted him to eat - when his father promised him that - there was
2167no longer any problem of dietetics. That boy would have eaten
2168spinach, sauerkraut, salt mackerel - anything in order to be big
2169enough to whip the bully who had humiliated him so often.
2170After solving that problem, the parents tackled another: the little boy
2171had the unholy habit of wetting his bed.
2172He slept with his grandmother. In the morning, his grandmother
2173would wake up and feel the sheet and say: "Look, Johnny, what you
2174did again last night."
2175He would say: "No, I didn't do it. You did it."
2176Scolding, spanking, shaming him, reiterating that the parents didn't
2177want him to do it - none of these things kept the bed dry. So the
2178parents asked: "How can we make this boy want to stop wetting his
2179bed?"
2180What were his wants? First, he wanted to wear pajamas like Daddy
2181instead of wearing a nightgown like Grandmother. Grandmother was
2182getting fed up with his nocturnal iniquities, so she gladly offered to
2183buy him a pair of pajamas if he would reform. Second, he wanted a
2184bed of his own. Grandma didn't object.
2185His mother took him to a department store in Brooklyn, winked at
2186the salesgirl, and said: "Here is a little gentleman who would like to
2187do some shopping." 
2188The salesgirl made him feel important by saying: "Young man, what
2189can I show you?"
2190He stood a couple of inches taller and said: "I want to buy a bed for
2191myself."
2192When he was shown the one his mother wanted him to buy, she
2193winked at the salesgirl and the boy was persuaded to buy it.
2194The bed was delivered the next day; and that night, when Father
2195came home, the little boy ran to the door shouting: "Daddy! Daddy!
2196Come upstairs and see my bed that I bought!"
2197The father, looking at the bed, obeyed Charles Schwab's injunction:
2198he was "hearty in his approbation and lavish in his praise."
2199"You are not going to wet this bed, are you?" the father said. " Oh,
2200no, no! I am not going to wet this bed." The boy kept his promise,
2201for his pride was involved. That was his bed. He and he alone had
2202bought it. And he was wearing pajamas now like a little man. He
2203wanted to act like a man. And he did.
2204Another father, K.T. Dutschmann, a telephone engineer, a student of
2205this course, couldn't get his three-year old daughter to eat breakfast
2206food. The usual scolding, pleading, coaxing methods had all ended in
2207futility. So the parents asked themselves: "How can we make her
2208want to do it?"
2209The little girl loved to imitate her mother, to feel big and grown up;
2210so one morning they put her on a chair and let her make the
2211breakfast food. At just the psychological moment, Father drifted into
2212the kitchen while she was stirring the cereal and she said: "Oh, look,
2213Daddy, I am making the cereal this morning."
2214She ate two helpings of the cereal without any coaxing, because she
2215was interested in it. She had achieved a feeling of importance; she
2216had found in making the cereal an avenue of self-expression.
2217William Winter once remarked that "self-expression is the dominant
2218necessity of human nature." Why can't we adapt this same
2219psychology to business dealings? When we have a brilliant idea,
2220instead of making others think it is ours, why not let them cook and
2221stir the idea themselves. They will then regard it as their own; they
2222will like it and maybe eat a couple of helpings of it.
2223Remember: "First, arouse in the other person an eager want. He
2224who can do this has the whole world with him. He who cannot walks
2225a lonely way."
2226• Principle 3 - Arouse in the other person an eager want. 
2227In a Nutshell Fundamental Techniques In Handling People
2228• Principle 1 Don't criticize, condemn or complain.
2229• Principle 2 Give honest and sincere appreciation.
2230• Principle 3 Arouse in the other person an eager want.
2231---------------------------------
2232Part Two - Ways To Make People Like You
22331 Do This And You'll Be Welcome Anywhere
2234Why read this book to find out how to win friends? Why not study
2235the technique of the greatest winner of friends the world has ever
2236known? Who is he? You may meet him tomorrow coming down the
2237street. When you get within ten feet of him, he will begin to wag his
2238tail. If you stop and pat him, he will almost jump out of his skin to
2239show you how much he likes you. And you know that behind this
2240show of affection on his part, there are no ulterior motives: he
2241doesn't want to sell you any real estate, and he doesn't want to
2242marry you.
2243Did you ever stop to think that a dog is the only animal that doesn't
2244have to work for a living? A hen has to lay eggs, a cow has to give
2245milk, and a canary has to sing. But a dog makes his living by giving
2246you nothing but love.
2247When I was five years old, my father bought a little yellow-haired
2248pup for fifty cents. He was the light and joy of my childhood. Every
2249afternoon about four-thirty, he would sit in the front yard with his
2250beautiful eyes staring steadfastly at the path, and as soon as he
2251heard my voice or saw me swinging my dinner pail through the buck
2252brush, he was off like a shot, racing breathlessly up the hill to greet
2253me with leaps of joy and barks of sheer ecstasy.
2254Tippy was my constant companion for five years. Then one tragic
2255night - I shall never forget it - he was killed within ten feet of my
2256head, killed by lightning. Tippy's death was the tragedy of my
2257boyhood.
2258You never read a book on psychology, Tippy. You didn't need to. You
2259knew by some divine instinct that you can make more friends in two
2260months by becoming genuinely interested in other people than you
2261can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you. Let
2262me repeat that. You can make more friends in two months by
2263becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by
2264trying to get other people interested in you. 
2265Yet I know and you know people who blunder through life trying to
2266wigwag other people into becoming interested in them.
2267Of course, it doesn't work. People are not interested in you. They are
2268not interested in me. They are interested in themselves - morning,
2269noon and after dinner.
2270The New York Telephone Company made a detailed study of
2271telephone conversations to find out which word is the most
2272frequently used. You have guessed it: it is the personal pronoun "I."
2273"I." I." It was used 3,900 times in 500 telephone conversations. "I."
2274"I." "I." "I." When you see a group photograph that you are in,
2275whose picture do you look for first?
2276If we merely try to impress people and get people interested in us,
2277we will never have many true, sincere friends. Friends, real friends,
2278are not made that way.
2279Napoleon tried it, and in his last meeting with Josephine he said:
2280"Josephine, I have been as fortunate as any man ever was on this
2281earth; and yet, at this hour, you are the only person in the world on
2282whom I can rely." And historians doubt whether he could rely even
2283on her.
2284Alfred Adler, the famous Viennese psychologist, wrote a book
2285entitled What Life Should Mean to You. In that book he says: "It is
2286the individual who is not interested in his fellow men who has the
2287greatest difficulties in life and provides the greatest injury to others.
2288It is from among such individuals that all human failures spring."
2289You may read scores of erudite tomes on psychology without coming
2290across a statement more significant for you and for me. Adler's
2291statement is so rich with meaning that I am going to repeat it in
2292italics:
2293It is the individual who is not interested in his fellow men who has
2294the greatest difjculties in life and provides the greutest injury to
2295others. It is from umong such individuals that all humun failures
2296spring.
2297I once took a course in short-story writing at New York University,
2298and during that course the editor of a leading magazine talked to our
2299class. He said he could pick up any one of the dozens of stories that
2300drifted across his desk every day and after reading a few paragraphs
2301he could feel whether or not the author liked people. "If the author
2302doesn't like people," he said, "people won't like his or her stories."
2303This hard-boiled editor stopped twice in the course of his talk on
2304fiction writing and apologized for preaching a sermon. "I am telling
2305you," he said, "the same things your preacher would tell you, but 
2306remember, you have to be interested in people if you want to be a
2307successful writer of stories."
2308If that is true of writing fiction, you can be sure it is true of dealing
2309with people face-to-face.
2310I spent an evening in the dressing room of Howard Thurston the last
2311time he appeared on Broadway -Thurston was the acknowledged
2312dean of magicians. For forty years he had traveled all over the world,
2313time and again, creating illusions, mystifying audiences, and making
2314people gasp with astonishment. More than 60 million people had
2315paid admission to his show, and he had made almost $2 million in
2316profit.
2317I asked Mr. Thurston to tell me the secret of his success. His
2318schooling certainly had nothing to do with it, for he ran away from
2319home as a small boy, became a hobo, rode in boxcars, slept in
2320haystacks, begged his food from door to door, and learned to read
2321by looking out of boxcars at signs along the railway.
2322Did he have a superior knowledge of magic? No, he told me
2323hundreds of books had been written about legerdemain and scores
2324of people knew as much about it as he did. But he had two things
2325that the others didn't have. First, he had the ability to put his
2326personality across the footlights. He was a master showman. He
2327knew human nature. Everything he did, every gesture, every
2328intonation of his voice, every lifting of an eyebrow had been carefully
2329rehearsed in advance, and his actions were timed to split seconds.
2330But, in addition to that, Thurston had a genuine interest in people.
2331He told me that many magicians would look at the audience and say
2332to themselves, "Well, there is a bunch of suckers out there, a bunch
2333of hicks; I'll fool them all right." But Thurston's method was totally
2334different. He told me that every time he went on stage he said to
2335himself: "I am grateful because these people come to see me, They
2336make it possible for me to make my living in a very agreeable way.
2337I'm going to give them the very best I possibly can."
2338He declared he never stepped in front of the footlights without first
2339saying to himself over and over: "I love my audience. I love my
2340audience." Ridiculous? Absurd? You are privileged to think anything
2341you like. I am merely passing it on to you without comment as a
2342recipe used by one of the most famous magicians of all time.
2343George Dyke of North Warren, Pennsylvania, was forced to retire
2344from his service station business after thirty years when a new
2345highway was constructed over the site of his station. It wasn't long
2346before the idle days of retirement began to bore him, so he started
2347filling in his time trying to play music on his old fiddle. Soon he was
2348traveling the area to listen to music and talk with many of the
2349accomplished fiddlers. In his humble and friendly way he became 
2350generally interested in learning the background and interests of
2351every musician he met. Although he was not a great fiddler himself,
2352he made many friends in this pursuit. He attended competitions and
2353soon became known to the country music fans in the eastern part of
2354the United States as "Uncle George, the Fiddle Scraper from Kinzua
2355County." When we heard Uncle George, he was seventy-two and
2356enjoying every minute of his life. By having a sustained interest in
2357other people, he created a new life for himself at a time when most
2358people consider their productive years over.
2359That, too, was one of the secrets of Theodore Roosevelt's
2360astonishing popularity. Even his servants loved him. His valet, James
2361E. Amos, wrote a book about him entitled Theodore Roosevelt, Hero
2362to His Valet. In that book Amos relates this illuminating incident:
2363My wife one time asked the President about a bobwhite. She had
2364never seen one and he described it to her fully. Sometime later, the
2365telephone at our cottage rang. [Amos and his wife lived in a little
2366cottage on the Roosevelt estate at Oyster Bay.] My wife answered it
2367and it was Mr. Roosevelt himself. He had called her, he said, to tell
2368her that there was a bobwhite outside her window and that if she
2369would look out she might see it. Little things like that were so
2370characteristic of him. Whenever he went by our cottage, even
2371though we were out of sight, we would hear him call out: "Oo-oo-oo,
2372Annie?" or "Oo-oo-oo, James!" It was just a friendly greeting as he
2373went by.
2374How could employees keep from liking a man like that? How could
2375anyone keep from liking him? Roosevelt called at the White House
2376one day when the President and Mrs. Taft were away. His honest
2377liking for humble people was shown by the fact that he greeted all
2378the old White House servants by name, even the scullery maids.
2379"When he saw Alice, the kitchen maid," writes Archie Butt, "he asked
2380her if she still made corn bread. Alice told him that she sometimes
2381made it for the servants, but no one ate it upstairs.
2382"'They show bad taste,' Roosevelt boomed, 'and I'll tell the President
2383so when I see him.'
2384"Alice brought a piece to him on a plate, and he went over to the
2385office eating it as he went and greeting gardeners and laborers as he
2386passed. . .
2387"He addressed each person just as he had addressed them in the
2388past. Ike Hoover, who had been head usher at the White House for
2389forty years, said with tears in his eyes: 'It is the only happy day we
2390had in nearly two years, and not one of us would exchange it for a
2391hundred-dollar bill.' " 
2392The same concern for the seemingly unimportant people helped
2393sales representative Edward M. Sykes, Jr., of Chatham, New Jersey,
2394retain an account. "Many years ago," he reported, "I called on
2395customers for Johnson and Johnson in the Massachusetts area. One
2396account was a drug store in Hingham. Whenever I went into this
2397store I would always talk to the soda clerk and sales clerk for a few
2398minutes before talking to the owner to obtain his order. One day I
2399went up to the owner of the store, and he told me to leave as he
2400was not interested in buying J&J products anymore because he felt
2401they were concentrating their activities on food and discount stores
2402to the detriment of the small drugstore. I left with my tail between
2403my legs and drove around the town for several hours. Finally, I
2404decided to go back and try at least to explain our position to the
2405owner of the store.
2406"When I returned I walked in and as usual said hello to the soda
2407clerk and sales clerk. When I walked up to the owner, he smiled at
2408me and welcomed me back. He then gave me double the usual
2409order, I looked at him with surprise and asked him what had
2410happened since my visit only a few hours earlier. He pointed to the
2411young man at the soda fountain and said that after I had left, the
2412boy had come over and said that I was one of the few salespeople
2413that called on the store that even bothered to say hello to him and to
2414the others in the store. He told the owner that if any salesperson
2415deserved his business, it was I. The owner agreed and remained a
2416loyal customer. I never forgot that to be genuinely interested in
2417other people is a most important quality for a sales-person to
2418possess - for any person, for that matter."
2419I have discovered from personal experience that one can win the
2420attention and time and cooperation of even the most sought-after
2421people by becoming genuinely interested in them. Let me illustrate.
2422Years ago I conducted a course in fiction writing at the Brooklyn
2423Institute of Arts and Sciences, and we wanted such distinguished and
2424busy authors as Kathleen Norris, Fannie Hurst, Ida Tarbell, Albert
2425Payson Terhune and Rupert Hughes to come to Brooklyn and give us
2426the benefit of their experiences. So we wrote them, saying we
2427admired their work and were deeply interested in getting their advice
2428and learning the secrets of their success.
2429Each of these letters was signed by about a hundred and fifty
2430students. We said we realized that these authors were busy - too
2431busy to prepare a lecture. So we enclosed a list of questions for
2432them to answer about themselves and their methods of work. They
2433liked that. Who wouldn't like it? So they left their homes and traveled
2434to Brooklyn to give us a helping hand.
2435By using the same method, I persuaded Leslie M. Shaw, secretary of
2436the treasury in Theodore Roosevelt's cabinet; George W. 
2437Wickersham, attorney general in Taft's cabinet; William Jennings
2438Bryan; Franklin D. Roosevelt and many other prominent men to
2439come to talk to the students of my courses in public speaking.
2440All of us, be we workers in a factory, clerks in an office or even a
2441king upon his throne - all of us like people who admire us. Take the
2442German Kaiser, for example. At the close of World War I he was
2443probably the most savagely and universally despised man on this
2444earth. Even his own nation turned against him when he fled over into
2445Holland to save his neck. The hatred against him was so intense that
2446millions of people would have loved to tear him limb from limb or
2447burn him at the stake. In the midst of all this forest fire of fury, one
2448little boy wrote the Kaiser a simple, sincere letter glowing with
2449kindliness and admiration. This little boy said that no matter what
2450the others thought, he would always love Wilhelm as his Emperor.
2451The Kaiser was deeply touched by his letter and invited the little boy
2452to come to see him. The boy came, so did his mother - and the
2453Kaiser married her. That little boy didn't need to read a book on how
2454to win friends and influence people. He knew how instinctively.
2455If we want to make friends, let's put ourselves out to do things for
2456other people - things that require time, energy, unselfishness and
2457thoughtfulness. When the Duke of Windsor was Prince of Wales, he
2458was scheduled to tour South America, and before he started out on
2459that tour he spent months studying Spanish so that he could make
2460public talks in the language of the country; and the South Americans
2461loved him for it.
2462For years I made it a point to find out the birthdays of my friends.
2463How? Although I haven't the foggiest bit of faith in astrology, I
2464began by asking the other party whether he believed the date of
2465one's birth has anything to do with character and disposition. I then
2466asked him or her to tell me the month and day of birth. If he or she
2467said November 24, for example, I kept repeating to myself,
2468"November 24, November 24." The minute my friend's back was
2469turned, I wrote down the name and birthday and later would transfer
2470it to a birthday book. At the beginning of each year, I had these
2471birthday dates scheduled in my calendar pad so that they came to
2472my attention automatically. When the natal day arrived, there was
2473my letter or telegram. What a hit it made! I was frequently the only
2474person on earth who remembered.
2475If we want to make friends, let's greet people with animation and
2476enthusiasm. When somebody calls you on the telephone use the
2477same psychology. Say "Hello" in tones that bespeak how pleased
2478YOU are to have the person call. Many companies train their
2479telephone operatars to greet all callers in a tone of voice that
2480radiates interest and enthusiasm. The caller feels the company is
2481concerned about them. Let's remember that when we answer the
2482telephone tomorrow. 
2483Showing a genuine interest in others not only wins friends for you,
2484but may develop in its customers a loyalty to your company. In an
2485issue of the publication of the National Bank of North America of
2486New York, the following letter from Madeline Rosedale, a depositor,
2487was published: *
2488* Eagle, publication of the Natirmal Bank of North America, h-ew
2489York, March 31, 1978.
2490"I would like you to know how much I appreciate your staff.
2491Everyone is so courteous, polite and helpful. What a pleasure it is,
2492after waiting on a long line, to have the teller greet you pleasantly.
2493"Last year my mother was hospitalized for five months. Frequently I
2494went to Marie Petrucello, a teller. She was concerned about my
2495mother and inquired about her progress."
2496Is there any doubt that Mrs. Rosedale will continue to use this bank?
2497Charles R. Walters, of one of the large banks in New York City, was
2498assigned to prepare a confidential report on a certain corporation. He
2499knew of only one person who possessed the facts he needed so
2500urgently. As Mr. Walters was ushered into the president's office, a
2501young woman stuck her head through a door and told the president
2502that she didn't have any stamps for him that day.
2503"I am collecting stamps for my twelve-year-old son," the president
2504explained to Mr. Walters.
2505Mr. Walters stated his mission and began asking questions. The
2506president was vague, general, nebulous. He didn't want to talk, and
2507apparently nothing could persuade him to talk. The interview was
2508brief and barren.
2509"Frankly, I didn't know what to do," Mr. Walters said as he related
2510the story to the class. "Then I remembered what his secretary had
2511said to him - stamps, twelve-year-old son. . . And I also recalled that
2512the foreign department of our bank collected stamps - stamps taken
2513from letters pouring in from every continent washed by the seven
2514seas.
2515"The next afternoon I called on this man and sent in word that I had
2516some stamps for his boy. Was I ushered in with enthusiasm? Yes sir,
2517He couldn't have shaken my hand with more enthusiasm if he had
2518been running for Congress. He radiated smiles and good will. 'My
2519George will love this one,' he kept saying as he fondled the stamps.
2520'And look at this! This is a treasure.' 
2521"We spent half an hour talking stamps and looking at a picture of his
2522boy, and he then devoted more than an hour of his time to giving
2523me every bit of information I wanted - without my even suggesting
2524that he do it. He told me all he knew, and then called in his
2525subordinates and questioned them. He telephoned some of his
2526associates. He loaded me down with facts, figures, reports and
2527correspondence. In the parlance of newspaper reporters, I had a
2528scoop."
2529Here is another illustration:
2530C. M. Knaphle, Jr., of Philadelphia had tried for years to sell fuel to a
2531large chain-store organization. But the chain-store company
2532continued to purchase its fuel from an out-of-town dealer and haul it
2533right past the door of Knaphle's office. Mr, Knaphle made a speech
2534one night before one of my classes, pouring out his hot wrath upon
2535chain stores, branding them as a curse to the nation.
2536And still he wondered why he couldn't sell them.
2537I suggested that he try different tactics. To put it briefly, this is what
2538happened. We staged a debate between members of the course on
2539whether the spread of the chain store is doing the country more
2540harm than good.
2541Knaphle, at my suggestion, took the negative side; he agreed to
2542defend the chain stores, and then went straight to an executive of
2543the chain-store organization that he despised and said: "I am not
2544here to try to sell fuel. I have come to ask you to do me a favor." He
2545then told about his debate and said, "I have come to you for help
2546because I can't think of anyone else who would be more capable of
2547giving me the facts I want. I'm anxious to win this debate, and I'll
2548deeply appreciate whatever help you can give me."
2549Here is the rest of the story in Mr. Knaphle's own words:
2550I had asked this man for precisely one minute of his time. It was
2551with that understanding that he consented to see me. After I had
2552stated my case, he motioned me to a chair and talked to me for
2553exactly one hour and forty-seven minutes. He called in another
2554executive who had written a book on chain stores. He wrote to the
2555National Chain Store Association and secured for me a copy of a
2556debate on the subject. He feels that the chain store is rendering a
2557real service to humanity. He is proud of what he is doing for
2558hundreds of communities. His eyes fairly glowed as he talked, and I
2559must confess that he opened my eyes to things I had never even
2560dreamed of. He changed my whole mental attitude. As I was leaving,
2561he walked with me to the door, put his arm around my shoulder,
2562wished me well in my debate, and asked me to stop in and see him
2563again and let him know how I made out. The last words he said to 
2564me were: "Please see me again later in the spring. I should like to
2565place an order with you for fuel."
2566To me that was almost a miracle. Here he was offering to buy fuel
2567without my even suggesting it. I had made more headway in two
2568hours by becoming genuinely interested in him and his problems
2569than I could have made in ten years trying to get him interested in
2570me and my product.
2571You didn't discover a new truth, Mr. Knaphle, for a long time ago, a
2572hundred years before Christ was born a famous old Roman poet,
2573Publilius Syrus, remarked; "We are interested in others when they
2574are interested in us."
2575A show of interest, as with every other principle of human relations,
2576must be sincere. It must pay off not only for the person showing the
2577interest, but for the person receiving the attention. It is a two-way
2578street-both parties benefit.
2579Martin Ginsberg, who took our Course in Long Island New York,
2580reported how the special interest a nurse took in him profoundly
2581affected his life:
2582"It was Thanksgiving Day and I was ten years old. I was in a welfare
2583ward of a city hospital and was scheduled to undergo major
2584orthopedic surgery the next day. I knew that I could only look
2585forward to months of confinement, convalescence and pain. My
2586father was dead; my mother and I lived alone in a small apartment
2587and we were on welfare. My mother was unable to visit me that day.
2588"As the day went on, I became overwhelmed with the feeling of
2589loneliness, despair and fear. I knew my mother was home alone
2590worrying about me, not having anyone to be with, not having anyone
2591to eat with and not even having enough money to afford a
2592Thanksgiving Day dinner.
2593"The tears welled up in my eyes, and I stuck my head under the
2594pillow and pulled the covers over it, I cried silently, but oh so bitterly,
2595so much that my body racked with pain.
2596"A young student nurse heard my sobbing and came over to me. She
2597took the covers off my face and started wiping my tears. She told me
2598how lonely she was, having to work that day and not being able to
2599be with her family. She asked me whether I would have dinner with
2600her. She brought two trays of food: sliced turkey, mashed a
2601potatoes, cranberry sauce and ice cream for dessert. She talked to
2602me and tried to calm my fears. Even though she was scheduled to go
2603off duty at 4 P.M., she stayed on her own time until almost 11 P.M.
2604She played games with me, talked to me and stayed with me until I
2605finally fell asleep. 
2606"Many Thanksgivings have come and gone since I was ten, but one
2607never passes without me remembering that particular one and my
2608feelings of frustration, fear, loneliness and the warmth and
2609tenderness of the stranger that somehow made it all bearable."
2610If you want others to like you, if you want to develop real
2611friendships, if you want to help others at the same time as you help
2612yourself, keep this principle in mind:
2613• Principle 1 Become genuinely interested in other people.
2614~~~~~~~
26152 - A Simple Way To Make A Good First Impression
2616At a dinner party in New York, one of the guests, a woman who had
2617inherited money, was eager to make a pleasing impression on
2618everyone. She had squandered a modest fortune on sables,
2619diamonds and pearls. But she hadn't done anything whatever about
2620her face. It radiated sourness and selfishness. She didn't realize what
2621everyone knows: namely, that the expression one wears on one's
2622face is far more important than the clothes one wears on one's back.
2623Charles Schwab told me his smile had been worth a million dollars.
2624And he was probably understating the truth. For Schwab's
2625personality, his charm, his ability to make people like him, were
2626almost wholly responsible for his extraordinary success; and one of
2627the most delightful factors in his personality was his captivating
2628smile.
2629Actions speak louder than words, and a smile says, "I like you, You
2630make me happy. I am glad to see you." That is why dogs make such
2631a hit. They are so glad to see us that they almost jump out of their
2632skins. So, naturally, we are glad to see them.
2633A baby's smile has the same effect.
2634Have you ever been in a doctor's waiting room and looked around at
2635all the glum faces waiting impatiently to be seen? Dr, Stephen K.
2636Sproul, a veterinarian in Raytown, Missouri, told of a typical spring
2637day when his waiting room was full of clients waiting to have their
2638pets inoculated. No one was talking to anyone else, and all were
2639probably thinking of a dozen other things they would rather be doing
2640than "wasting time" sitting in that office. He told one of our classes:
2641"There were six or seven clients waiting when a young woman came
2642in with a nine-month-old baby and a kitten. As luck would have it,
2643she sat down next to a gentleman who was more than a little
2644distraught about the long wait for service. The next thing he knew,
2645the baby just looked up at him with that great big smile that is so 
2646characteristic of babies. What did that gentleman do? Just what you
2647and I would do, of course; he-smiled back at the baby. Soon he
2648struck up a conversation with the woman about her baby and his
2649grandchildren, and soon the entire reception room joined in, and the
2650boredom and tension were converted into a pleasant and enjoyable
2651experience."
2652An insincere grin? No. That doesn't fool anybody. We know it is
2653mechanical and we resent it. I am talking about a real smile, a
2654heartwarming smile, a smile that comes from within, the kind of
2655smile that will bring a good price in the marketplace.
2656Professor James V. McConnell, a psychologist at the University of
2657Michigan, expressed his feelings about a smile. "People who smile,"
2658he said, "tend to manage teach and sell more effectively, and to
2659raise happier children. There's far more information in a smile than a
2660frown. That's why encouragement is a much more effective teaching
2661device than punishment."
2662The employment manager of a large New York department store told
2663me she would rather hire a sales clerk who hadn't finished grade
2664school, if he or she has a pleasant smile, than to hire a doctor of
2665philosophy with a somber face.
2666The effect of a smile is powerful - even when it is unseen. Telephone
2667companies throughout the United States have a program called
2668"phone power" which is offered to employees who use the telephone
2669for selling their services or products. In this program they suggest
2670that you smile when talking on the phone. Your "smile" comes
2671through in your voice.
2672Robert Cryer, manager of a computer department for a Cincinnati,
2673Ohio, company, told how he had successfully found the right
2674applicant for a hard-to-fill position:
2675"I was desperately trying to recruit a Ph.D. in computer science for
2676my department. I finally located a young man with ideal
2677qualifications who was about to be graduated from Purdue
2678University. After several phone conversations I learned that he had
2679several offers from other companies, many of them larger and better
2680known than mine. I was delighted when he accepted my offer. After
2681he started on the job, I asked him why he had chosen us over the
2682others. He paused for a moment and then he said: 'I think it was
2683because managers in the other companies spoke on the phone in a
2684cold, business-like manner, which made me feel like just another
2685business transaction, Your voice sounded as if you were glad to hear
2686from me ... that you really wanted me to be part of your
2687organization. ' You can be assured, I am still answering my phone
2688with a smile." 
2689The chairman of the board of directors of one of the largest rubber
2690companies 'in the United States told me that, according to his
2691observations, people rarely succeed at anything unless they have fun
2692doing it. This industrial leader doesn't put much faith in the old
2693adage that hard work alone is the magic key that will unlock the door
2694to our desires, "I have known people," he said, "who succeeded
2695because they had a rip-roaring good time conducting their business.
2696Later, I saw those people change as the fun became work. The
2697business had grown dull, They lost all joy in it, and they failed."
2698You must have a good time meeting people if you expect them to
2699have a good time meeting you.
2700I have asked thousands of business people to smile at someone
2701every hour of the day for a week and then come to class and talk
2702about the results. How did it work? Let's see ... Here is a letter from
2703William B. Steinhardt, a New York stockbroker. His case isn't isolated.
2704In fact, it is typical of hundreds of cases.
2705"1 have been married for over eighteen years," wrote Mr. Steinhardt,
2706"and in all that time I seldom smiled at my wife or spoke two dozen
2707words to her from the time I got up until I was ready to leave for
2708business. I was one of the worst grouches who ever walked down
2709Broadway.
2710"When you asked me to make a talk about my experience with
2711smiles, I thought I would try it for a week. So the next morning,
2712while combing my hair, I looked at my glum mug in the mirror and
2713said to myself, 'Bill, you are going to wipe the scowl off that sour
2714puss of yours today. You are going to smile. And you are going to
2715begin right now.' As I sat down to breakfast, I greeted my wife with
2716a 'Good morning, my dear,' and smiled as I said it.
2717"You warned me that she might be surprised. Well, you
2718underestimated her reaction. She was bewildered. She was shocked.
2719I told her that in the future she could expect this as a regular
2720occurrence, and I kept it up every morning.
2721"This changed attitude of mine brought more happiness into our
2722home in the two months since I started than there was during the
2723last year.
2724"As I leave for my office, I greet the elevator operator in the
2725apartment house with a 'Good morning' and a smile, I greet the
2726doorman with a smile. I smile at the cashier in the subway booth
2727when I ask for change. As I stand on the floor of the Stock
2728Exchange, I smile at people who until recently never saw me smile.
2729"I soon found that everybody was smiling back at me, I treat those
2730who come to me with complaints or grievances in a cheerful manner, 
2731I smile as I listen to them and I find that adjustments are
2732accomplished much easier. I find that smiles are bringing me dollars,
2733many dollars every day.
2734"I share my office with another broker. One of his clerks is a likable
2735young chap, and I was so elated about the results I was getting that
2736I told him recently about my new philosophy of human relations. He
2737then confessed that when I first came to share my office with his
2738firm he thought me a terrible grouch - and only recently changed his
2739mind. He said I was really human when I smiled.
2740"I have also eliminated criticism from my system. I give appreciation
2741and praise now instead of condemnation. I have stopped talking
2742about what I want. I am now trying to see the other person's
2743viewpoint. And these things have literally revolutionized my life. I am
2744a totally different man, a happier man, a richer man, richer in
2745friendships and happiness - the only things that matter much after
2746all."
2747You don't feel like smiling? Then what? Two things. First, force
2748yourself to smile. If you are alone, force yourself to whistle or hum a
2749tune or sing. Act as if you were already happy, and that will tend to
2750make you happy. Here is the way the psychologist and philosopher
2751William James put it:
2752"Action seems to follow feeling, but really action and feeling go
2753together; and by regulating the action, which is under the more
2754direct control of the will, we can indirectly regulate the feeling, which
2755is not.
2756"Thus the sovereign voluntary path to cheerfulness, if our
2757cheerfulness be lost, is to sit up cheerfully and to act and speak as if
2758cheerfulness were already there. ..."
2759Every body in the world is seeking happiness - and there is one sure
2760way to find it. That is by controlling your thoughts. Happiness
2761doesn't depend on outward conditions. It depends on inner
2762conditions.
2763It isn't what you have or who you are or where you are or what you
2764are doing that makes you happy or unhappy. It is what you think
2765about it. For example, two people may be in the same place, doing
2766the same thing; both may have about an equal amount of money
2767and prestige - and yet one may be miserable and the other happy.
2768Why? Because of a different mental attitude. I have seen just as
2769many happy faces among the poor peasants toiling with their
2770primitive tools in the devastating heat of the tropics as I have seen in
2771air-conditioned offices in New York, Chicago or Los Angeles. 
2772"There is nothing either good or bad," said Shakespeare, "but
2773thinking makes it so."
2774Abe Lincoln once remarked that "most folks are about as happy as
2775they make up their minds to be." He was right. I saw a vivid
2776illustration of that truth as I was walking up the stairs of the Long
2777Island Railroad station in New York. Directly in front of me thirty or
2778forty crippled boys on canes and crutches were struggling up the
2779stairs. One boy had to be carried up. I was astonished at their
2780laughter and gaiety. I spoke about it to one of.the men in charge of
2781the boys. "Oh, yes," he said, "when a boy realizes that he is going to
2782be a cripple for life, he is shocked at first; but after he gets over the
2783shock, he usually resigns himself to his fate and then becomes as
2784happy as normal boys."
2785I felt like taking my hat off to those boys. They taught me a lesson I
2786hope I shall never forget.
2787Working all by oneself in a closed-off room in an office not only is
2788lonely, but it denies one the opportunity of making friends with other
2789employees in the company. Seсora Maria Gonzalez of Guadalajara,
2790Mexico, had such a job. She envied the shared comradeship of other
2791people in the company as she heard their chatter and laughter. As
2792she passed them in the hall during the first weeks of her
2793employment, she shyly looked the other way.
2794After a few weeks, she said to herself, "Maria, you can't expect those
2795women to come to you. You have to go out and meet them. " The
2796next time she walked to the water cooler, she put on her brightest
2797smile and said, "Hi, how are you today" to each of the people she
2798met. The effect was immediate. Smiles and hellos were returned, the
2799hallway seemed brighter, the job friendlier.
2800Acquaintanceships developed and some ripened into friendships. Her
2801job and her life became more pleasant and interesting.
2802Peruse this bit of sage advice from the essayist and publisher Elbert
2803Hubbard - but remember, perusing it won't do you any good unless
2804you apply it:
2805Whenever you go out-of-doors, draw the chin in, carry the crown of
2806the head high, and fill the lungs to the utmost; drink in the sunshine;
2807greet your friends with a smile, and put soul into every handclasp.
2808Do not fear being misunderstood and do not waste a minute thinking
2809about your enemies. Try to fix firmly in your mind what you would
2810like to do; and then, without veering off direction, you will move
2811straight to the goal. Keep your mind on the great and splendid things
2812you would like to do, and then, as the days go gliding away, you will
2813find yourself unconsciously seizing upon the opportunities that are
2814required for the fulfillment of your desire, just as the coral insect 
2815takes from the running tide the element it needs. Picture in your
2816mind the able, earnest, useful person you desire to be, and the
2817thought you hold is hourly transforming you into that particular
2818individual.. . . Thought is supreme. Preserve a right mental attitude -
2819the attitude of courage, frankness, and good cheer. To think rightly
2820is to create. All things come through desire and every sincere prayer
2821is answered. We become like that on which our hearts are fixed.
2822Carry your chin in and the crown of your head high. We are gods in
2823the chrysalis.
2824The ancient Chinese were a wise lot - wise in the ways of the world;
2825and they had a proverb that you and I ought to cut out and paste
2826inside our hats. It goes like this: "A man without a smiling face must
2827not open a shop."
2828Your smile is a messenger of your good will. Your smile brightens the
2829lives of all who see it. To someone who has seen a dozen people
2830frown, scowl or turn their faces away, your smile is like the sun
2831breaking through the clouds. Especially when that someone is under
2832pressure from his bosses, his customers, his teachers or parents or
2833children, a smile can help him realize that all is not hopeless - that
2834there is joy in the world.
2835Some years ago, a department store in New York City, in recognition
2836of the pressures its sales clerks were under during the Christmas
2837rush, presented the readers of its advertisements with the following
2838homely philosophy:
2839The Value Of A Smile At Christmas
2840It costs nothing, but creates much. It enriches those who receive,
2841without impoverishing those who give. It happens in a flash and the
2842memory of it sometimes lasts forever, None are so rich they can get
2843along without it, and none so poor but are richer for its benefits. It
2844creates happiness in the home, fosters good will in a business, and is
2845the countersign of friends. It is rest to the weary, daylight to the
2846discouraged, sunshine to the sad, and Nature's best antidote fee
2847trouble. Yet it cannot be bought, begged, borrowed, or stolen, for it
2848is something that is no earthly good to anybody till it is given away.
2849And if in the last-minute rush of Christmas buying some of our
2850salespeople should be too tired to give you a smile, may we ask you
2851to leave one of yours? For nobody needs a smile so much as those
2852who have none left to give!
2853• Principle 2 - Smile.
2854~~~~~~~
28553 - If You Don't Do This, You Are Headed For Trouble 
2856Back in 1898, a tragic thing happened in Rockland County, New
2857York. A child had died, and on this particular day the neighbors were
2858preparing to go to the funeral.
2859Jim Farley went out to the barn to hitch up his horse. The ground
2860was covered with snow, the air was cold and snappy; the horse
2861hadn't been exercised for days; and as he was led out to the
2862watering trough, he wheeled playfully, kicked both his heels high in
2863the air, and killed Jim Farley. So the little village of Stony Point had
2864two funerals that week instead of one.
2865Jim Farley left behind him a widow and three boys, and a few
2866hundred dollars in insurance.
2867His oldest boy, Jim, was ten, and he went to work in a brickyard,
2868wheeling sand and pouring it into the molds and turning the brick on
2869edge to be dried by the sun. This boy Jim never had a chance to get
2870much education. But with his natural geniality, he had a flair for
2871making people like him, so he went into politics, and as the years
2872went by, he developed an uncanny ability for remembering people's
2873names.
2874He never saw the inside of a high school; but before he was forty-six
2875years of age, four colleges had honored him with degrees and he
2876had become chairman of the Democratic National Committee and
2877Postmaster General of the United States.
2878I once interviewed Jim Farley and asked him the secret of his
2879success. He said, "Hard work," and I said, "Don't be funny."
2880He then asked me what I thought was the reason for his success. I
2881replied: "I understand you can call ten thousand people by their first
2882names."
2883"No. You are wrong, " he said. "I can call fifty thousand people by
2884their first names."
2885Make no mistake about it. That ability helped Mr. Farley put Franklin
2886D. Roosevelt in the White House when he managed Roosevelt's
2887campaign in 1932.
2888During the years that Jim Farley traveled as a salesman for a gypsum
2889concern, and during the years that he held office as town clerk in
2890Stony Point, he built up a system for remembering names.
2891In the beginning, it was a very simple one. Whenever he met a new
2892acquaintance, he found out his or her complete name and some
2893facts about his or her family, business and political opinions. He fixed
2894all these facts well in mind as part of the picture, and the next time
2895he met that person, even if it was a year later, he was able to shake 
2896hands, inquire after the family, and ask about the hollyhocks in the
2897backyard. No wonder he developed a following!
2898For months before Roosevelt's campaign for President began, Jim
2899Farley wrote hundreds of letters a day to people all over the western
2900and northwestern states. Then he hopped onto a train and in
2901nineteen days covered twenty states and twelve thousand miles,
2902traveling by buggy, train, automobile and boat. He would drop into
2903town, meet his people at lunch or breakfast, tea or dinner, and give
2904them a "heart-to-heart talk." Then he'd dash off again on another leg
2905of his journey.
2906As soon as he arrived back East, he wrote to one person in each
2907town he had visited, asking for a list of all the guests to whom he
2908had talked. The final list contained thousands and thousands of
2909names; yet each person on that list was paid the subtle flattery of
2910getting a personal letter from James Farley. These letters began
2911"Dear Bill" or "Dear Jane," and they were always signed "Jim."
2912Jim Farley discovered early in life that the average person is more
2913interested in his or her own name than in all the other names on
2914earth put together. Remember that name and call it easily, and you
2915have paid a subtle and very effective compliment. But forget it or
2916misspell it - and you have placed yourself at a sharp disadvantage.
2917For example, I once organized a public-speaking course in Paris and
2918sent form letters to all the American residents in the city. French
2919typists with apparently little knowledge of English filled in the names
2920and naturally they made blunders. One man, the manager of a large
2921American bank in Paris, wrote me a scathing rebuke because his
2922name had been misspelled.
2923Sometimes it is difficult to remember a name, particularly if it is hard
2924to pronounce. Rather than even try to learn it, many people ignore it
2925or call the person by an easy nickname. Sid Levy called on a
2926customer for some time whose name was Nicodemus Papadoulos.
2927Most people just called him "Nick." Levy told us: "I made a special
2928effort to say his name over several times to myself before I made my
2929call. When I greeted him by his full name: 'Good afternoon, Mr.
2930Nicodemus Papadoulos,' he was shocked. For what seemed like
2931several minutes there was no reply from him at all. Finally, he said
2932with tears rolling down his cheeks, 'Mr. Levy, in all the fifteen years I
2933have been in this country, nobody has ever made the effort to call
2934me by my right name.' "
2935What was the reason for Andrew Carnegie's success?
2936He was called the Steel King; yet he himself knew little about the
2937manufacture of steel. He had hundreds of people working for him
2938who knew far more about steel than he did. 
2939But he knew how to handle people, and that is what made him rich.
2940Early in life, he showed a flair for organization, a genius for
2941leadership. By the time he was ten, he too had discovered the
2942astounding importance people place on their own name. And he
2943used that discovery to win cooperation. To illustrate: When he was a
2944boy back in Scotland, he got hold of a rabbit, a mother rabbit.
2945Presto! He soon had a whole nest of little rabbits - and nothing to
2946feed them. But he had a brilliant idea. He told the boys and girls in
2947the neighborhood that if they would go out and pull enough clover
2948and dandelions to feed the rabbits, he would name the bunnies in
2949their honor.
2950The plan worked like magic, and Carnegie never forgot it.
2951Years later, he made millions by using the same psychology in
2952business. For example, he wanted to sell steel rails to the
2953Pennsylvania Railroad. J. Edgar Thomson was the president of the
2954Pennsylvania Railroad then. So Andrew Carnegie built a huge steel
2955mill in Pittsburgh and called it the "Edgar Thomson Steel Works."
2956Here is a riddle. See if you can guess it. When the Pennsylvania
2957Railroad needed steel rails, where do you suppose J. Edgar Thomson
2958bought them?. . , From Sears, Roebuck? No. No. You're wrong.
2959Guess again. When Carnegie and George Pullman were battling each
2960other for supremacy in the railroad sleeping-car business, the Steel
2961King again remembered the lesson of the rabbits.
2962The Central Transportation Company, which Andrew Carnegie
2963controlled, was fighting with the company that Pullman owned. Both
2964were struggling to get the sleeping-car business of the Union Pacific
2965Railroad, bucking each other, slashing prices, and destroving all
2966chance of profit. Both Carnegie and Pullman had gone to New York
2967to see the board of directors of the Union Pacific. Meeting one
2968evening in the St. Nicholas Hotel, Carnegie said: "Good evening, Mr.
2969Pullman, aren't we making a couple of fools of ourselves?"
2970"What do you mean.?" Pullman demanded.
2971Then Carnegie expressed what he had on his mind - a merger of
2972their two interests. He pictured in glowing terms the mutual
2973advantages of working with, instead of against, each other. Pullman
2974listened attentively, but he was not wholly convinced. Finally he
2975asked, "What would you call the new company?" and Carnegie
2976replied promptly: "Why, the Pullman Palace Car Company, of
2977course."
2978Pullman's face brightened. "Come into my room," he said. "Let's talk
2979it over." That talk made industrial history. 
2980This policy of remembering and honoring the names of his friends
2981and business associates was one of the secrets of Andrew Carnegie's
2982leadership. He was proud of the fact that he could call many of his
2983factory workers by their first names, and he boasted that while he
2984was personally in charge, no strike ever disturbed his flaming steel
2985mills.
2986Benton Love, chairman of Texas Commerce Banc-shares, believes
2987that the bigger a corporation gets, the colder it becomes. " One way
2988to warm it up," he said, "is to remember people's names. The
2989executive who tells me he can't remember names is at the same time
2990telling me he can't remember a significant part of his business and is
2991operating on quicksand."
2992Karen Kirsech of Rancho Palos Verdes, California, a flight attendant
2993for TWA, made it a practice to learn the names of as many
2994passengers in her cabin as possible and use the name when serving
2995them. This resulted in many compliments on her service expressed
2996both to her directly and to the airline. One passenger wrote: "I
2997haven't flown TWA for some time, but I'm going to start flying
2998nothing but TWA from now on. You make me feel that your airline
2999has become a very personalized airline and that is important to me."
3000People are so proud of their names that they strive to perpetuate
3001them at any cost. Even blustering, hard-boiled old P. T. Barnum, the
3002greatest showman of his time, disappointed because he had no sons
3003to carry on his name, offered his grandson, C. H. Seeley, $25,000
3004dollars if he would call himself "Barnum" Seeley.
3005For many centuries, nobles and magnates supported artists,
3006musicians and authors so that their creative works would be
3007dedicated to them.
3008Libraries and museums owe their richest collections to people who
3009cannot bear to think that their names might perish from the memory
3010of the race. The New York Public Library has its Astor and Lenox
3011collections. The Metropolitan Museum perpetuates the names of
3012Benjamin Altman and J. P. Morgan. And nearly every church is
3013beautified by stained-glass windows commemorating the names of
3014their donors. Many of the buildings on the campus of most
3015universities bear the names of donors who contributed large sums of
3016money for this honor.
3017Most people don't remember names, for the simple reason that they
3018don't take the time and energy necessary to concentrate and repeat
3019and fix names indelibly in their minds. They make excuses for
3020themselves; they are too busy. 
3021But they were probably no busier than Franklin D. Roosevelt, and he
3022took time to remember and recall even the names of mechanics with
3023whom he came into contact.
3024To illustrate: The Chrysler organization built a special car for Mr.
3025Roosevelt, who could not use a standard car because his legs were
3026paralyzed. W. F. Chamberlain and a mechanic delivered it to the
3027White House. I have in front of me a letter from Mr. Chamberlain
3028relating his experiences. "I taught President Roosevelt how to handle
3029a car with a lot of unusual gadgets, but he taught me a lot about the
3030fine art of handling people.
3031"When I called at the White House," Mr. Chamberlain writes, "the
3032President was extremely pleasant and cheerful. He called me by
3033name, made me feel very comfortable, and particularly impressed
3034me with the fact that he was vitally interested in things I had to
3035show him and tell him. The car was so designed that it could be
3036operated entirely by hand. A crowd gathered around to look at the
3037car; and he remarked: 'I think it is marvelous. All you have to do is
3038to touch a button and it moves away and you can drive it without
3039effort. I think it is grand - I don't know what makes it go. I'd love to
3040have the time to tear it down and see how it works.'
3041"When Roosevelt's friends and associates admired the machine, he
3042said in their presence: 'Mr. Chamberlain, I certainly appreciate all the
3043time and effort you have spent in developing this car. It is a mighty
3044fine job.' He admired the radiator, the special rear-vision mirror and
3045clock, the special spotlight, the kind of upholstery, the sitting position
3046of the driver's seat, the special suitcases in the trunk with his
3047monogram on each suitcase. In other words, he took notice of every
3048detail to which he knew I had given considerable thought. He made
3049a point of bringing these various pieces of equipment to the attention
3050of Mrs. Roosevelt, Miss Perkins, the Secretary of Labor, and his
3051secretary. He even brought the old White House porter into the
3052picture by saying, 'George, you want to take particularly good care of
3053the suitcases.'
3054"When the driving lesson was finished, the President turned to me
3055and said: 'Well, Mr. Chamberlain, I have been keeping the Federal
3056Reserve Board waiting thirty minutes. I guess I had better get back
3057to work.'
3058"I took a mechanic with me to the White House. He was introduced
3059to Roosevelt when he arrived. He didn't talk to the President, and
3060Roosevelt heard his name only once. He was a shy chap, and he
3061kept in the background. But before leaving us, the President looked
3062for the mechanic, shook his hand, called him by name, and thanked
3063him for coming to Washington. And there was nothing perfunctory
3064about his thanks. He meant what he said. I could feel that. 
3065"A few days after returning to New York, I got an autographed
3066photograph of President Roosevelt and a little note of thanks again
3067expressing his appreciation for my assistance. How he found time to
3068do it is a mystery to me ."
3069Franklin D. Roosevelt knew that one of the simplest, most obvious
3070and most important ways of gaining good will was by remembering
3071names and making people feel important - yet how many of us do it?
3072Half the time we are introduced to a stranger, we chat a few minutes
3073and can't even remember his or her name by the time we say
3074goodbye.
3075One of the first lessons a politician learns is this: "To recall a voter's
3076name is statesmanship. To forget it is oblivion."
3077And the ability to remember names is almost as important in
3078business and social contacts as it is in politics.
3079Napoleon the Third, Emperor of France and nephew of the great
3080Napoleon, boasted that in spite of all his royal duties he could
3081remember the name of every person he met.
3082His technique? Simple. If he didn't hear the name distinctly, he said,
3083"So sorry. I didn't get the name clearly." Then, if it was an unusual
3084name, he would say, "How is it spelled?"
3085During the conversation, he took the trouble to repeat the name
3086several times, and tried to associate it in his mind with the person's
3087features, expression and general appearance.
3088If the person was someone of importance, Napoleon went to even
3089further pains. As soon as His Royal Highness was alone, he wrote the
3090name down on a piece of paper, looked at it, concentrated on it,
3091fixed it securely in his mind, and then tore up the paper. In this way,
3092he gained an eye impression of the name as well as an ear
3093impression.
3094All this takes time, but "Good manners," said Emerson, "are made up
3095of petty sacrifices."
3096The importance of remembering and using names is not just the
3097prerogative of kings and corporate executives. It works for all of us.
3098Ken Nottingham, an employee of General Motors in Indiana, usually
3099had lunch at the company cafeteria. He noticed that the woman who
3100worked behind the counter always had a scowl on her face. "She had
3101been making sandwiches for about two hours and I was just another
3102sandwich to her. I told her what I wanted. She weighed out the ham
3103on a little scale, then she gave me one leaf of lettuce, a few potato
3104chips and handed them to me. 
3105"The next day I went through the same line. Same woman, same
3106scowl. The only difference was I noticed her name tag. I smiled and
3107said, 'Hello, Eunice,' and then told her what I wanted. Well, she
3108forgot the scale, piled on the ham, gave me three leaves of lettuce
3109and heaped on the potato chips until they fell off the plate."
3110We should be aware of the magic contained in a name and realize
3111that this single item is wholly and completely owned by the person
3112with whom we are dealing and nobody else. The name sets the
3113individual apart; it makes him or her unique among all others. The
3114information we are imparting or the request we are making takes on
3115a special importance when we approach the situation with the name
3116of the individual. From the waitress to the senior executive, the
3117name will work magic as we deal with others.
3118• Principle 3 - Remember that a person's name is to that person the
3119sweetest and most important sound in any language.
3120~~~~~~~
31214 - An Easy Way To Become A Good Conversationalist
3122Some time ago, I attended a bridge party. I don't play bridge - and
3123there was a woman there who didn't play bridge either. She had
3124discovered that I had once been Lowell Thomas' manager before he
3125went on the radio and that I had traveled in Europe a great deal
3126while helping him prepare the illustrated travel talks he was then
3127delivering. So she said: "Oh, Mr. Carnegie, I do want you to tell me
3128about all the wonderful places you have visited and the sights you
3129have seen."
3130As we sat down on the sofa, she remarked that she and her husband
3131had recently returned from a trip to Africa. "Africa!" I exclaimed.
3132"How interesting! I've always wanted to see Africa, but I never got
3133there except for a twenty-four-hour stay once in Algiers. Tell me, did
3134you visit the big-game country? Yes? How fortunate. I envy you. Do
3135tell me about Africa."
3136That kept her talking for forty-five minutes. She never again asked
3137me where I had been or what I had seen. She didn't want to hear
3138me talk about my travels. All she wanted was an interested listener,
3139so she could expand her ego and tell about where she had been.
3140Was she unusual? No. Many people are like that.
3141For example, I met a distinguished botanist at a dinner party given
3142by a New York book publisher. I had never talked with a botanist
3143before, and I found him fascinating. I literally sat on the edge of my
3144chair and listened while he spoke of exotic plants and experiments in 
3145developing new forms of plant life and indoor gardens (and even told
3146me astonishing facts about the humble potato). I had a small indoor
3147garden of my own - and he was good enough to tell me how to solve
3148some of my problems.
3149As I said, we were at a dinner party. There must have been a dozen
3150other guests, but I violated all the canons of courtesy, ignored
3151everyone else, and talked for hours to the botanist.
3152Midnight came, I said good night to everyone and departed. The
3153botanist then turned to our host and paid me several flattering
3154compliments. I was "most stimulating." I was this and I was that,
3155and he ended by saying I was a "most interesting conversationalist."
3156An interesting conversationalist? Why, I had said hardly anything at
3157all. I couldn't have said anything if I had wanted to without changing
3158the subject, for I didn't know any more about botany than I knew
3159about the anatomy of a penguin. But I had done this: I had listened
3160intently. I had listened because I was genuinely interested. And he
3161felt it. Naturally that pleased him. That kind of listening is one of the
3162highest compliments we can pay anyone. "Few human beings,"
3163wrote Jack Woodford in Strangers in Love, "few human beings are
3164proof against the implied flattery of rapt attention." I went even
3165further than giving him rapt attention. I was "hearty in my
3166approbation and lavish in my praise."
3167I told him that I had been immensely entertained and instructed -
3168and I had. I told him I wished I had his knoledge - and I did. I told
3169him that I should love to wander the fields with him - and I have. I
3170told him I must see him again - and I did.
3171And so I had him thinking of me as a good conversationalist when, in
3172reality, I had been merely a good listener and had encouraged him
3173to talk.
3174What is the secret, the mystery, of a successful business interview?
3175Well, according to former Harvard president Charles W. Eliot, "There
3176is no mystery about successful business intercourse. ... Exclusive
3177attention to the person who is speaking to you is very important.
3178Nothing else is so flattering as that."
3179Eliot himself was a past master of the art of listening, Henry James,
3180one of America's first great novelists, recalled: "Dr. Eliot's listening
3181was not mere silence, but a form of activity. Sitting very erect on the
3182end of his spine with hands joined in his lap, making no movement
3183except that he revolved his thumbs around each other faster or
3184slower, he faced his interlocutor and seemed to be hearing with his
3185eyes as well as his ears. He listened with his mind and attentively
3186considered what you had to say while you said it. ... At the end of an 
3187interview the person who had talked to him felt that he had had his
3188say."
3189Self-evident, isn't it? You don't have to study for four years in
3190Harvard to discover that. Yet I know and you know department store
3191owners who will rent expensive space, buy their goods economically,
3192dress their windows appealingly, spend thousands of dollars in
3193advertising and then hire clerks who haven't the sense to be good
3194listeners - clerks who interrupt customers, contradict them, irritate
3195them, and all but drive them from the store.
3196A department store in Chicago almost lost a regular customer who
3197spent several thousand dollars each year in that store because a
3198sales clerk wouldn't listen. Mrs. Henrietta Douglas, who took our
3199course in Chicago, had purchased a coat at a special sale. After she
3200had brought it home she noticed that there was a tear in the lining.
3201She came back the next day and asked the sales clerk to exchange
3202it. The clerk refused even to listen to her complaint. "You bought this
3203at a special sale," she said. She pointed to a sign on the wall. "Read
3204that," she exclaimed. " 'All sales are final.' Once you bought it, you
3205have to keep it. Sew up the lining yourself."
3206"But this was damaged merchandise," Mrs. Douglas complained.
3207"Makes no difference," the clerk interrupted. "Final's final "
3208Mrs. Douglas was about to walk out indignantly, swearing never to
3209return to that store ever, when she was greeted by the department
3210manager, who knew her from her many years of patronage. Mrs.
3211Douglas told her what had happened.
3212The manager listened attentively to the whole story, examined the
3213coat and then said: "Special sales are 'final' so we can dispose of
3214merchandise at the end of the season. But this 'no return' policy
3215does not apply to damaged goods. We will certainly repair or replace
3216the lining, or if you prefer, give you your money back."
3217What a difference in treatment! If that manager had not come along
3218and listened to the Customer, a long-term patron of that store could
3219have been lost forever.
3220Listening is just as important in one's home life as in the world of
3221business. Millie Esposito of Croton-on-Hudson, New York, made it her
3222business to listen carefully when one of her children wanted to speak
3223with her. One evening she was sitting in the kitchen with her son,
3224Robert, and after a brief discussion of something that was on his
3225mind, Robert said: "Mom, I know that you love me very much."
3226Mrs. Esposito was touched and said: "Of course I love you very
3227much. Did you doubt it?" 
3228Robert responded: "No, but I really know you love me because
3229whenever I want to talk to you about something you stop whatever
3230you are doing and listen to me."
3231The chronic kicker, even the most violent critic, will frequently soften
3232and be subdued in the presence of a patient, sympathetic listener - a
3233listener who will he silent while the irate fault-finder dilates like a
3234king cobra and spews the poison out of his system. To illustrate: The
3235New York Telephone Company discovered a few years ago that it
3236had to deal with one of the most vicious customers who ever cursed
3237a customer service representative. And he did curse. He raved. He
3238threatened to tear the phone out by its roots. He refused to pay
3239certain charges that he declared were false. He wrote letters to the
3240newspapers. He filed innumerable complaints with the Public Service
3241Commission, and he started several suits against the telephone
3242company.
3243At last, one of the company's most skillful "trouble-shooters" was
3244sent to interview this stormy petrel. This "troubleshooter" listened
3245and let the cantankerous customer enjoy himself pouring out his
3246tirade. The telephone representative listened and said "yes" and
3247sympathized with his grievance.
3248"He raved on and I listened for nearlv three hours," the
3249"troubleshooter" said as he related his experiences before one of the
3250author's classes. "Then I went back and listened some more. I
3251interviewed him four times, and before the fourth visit was over I
3252had become a charter member of an organization he was starting.
3253He called it the 'Telephone Subscribers' Protective Association.' I am
3254still a member of this organization, and, so far as I know, I'm the
3255only member in the world today besides Mr. ----.
3256"I listened and sympathized with him on every point that he made
3257during these interviews. He had never had a telephone
3258representative talk with him that way before, and he became almost
3259friendly. The point on which I went to see him was not even
3260mentioned on the first visit, nor was it mentioned on the second or
3261third, but upon the fourth interview, I closed the case completely, he
3262paid all his bills in full, and for the first time in the history of his
3263difficulties with the telephone company he voluntarily withdrew his
3264complaints from the Public Service Commission."
3265Doubtless Mr. ----- had considered himself a holy crusader,
3266defending the public rights against callous exploitation. But in reality,
3267what he had really wanted was a feeling of importance. He got this
3268feeling of importance at first by kicking and complaining. But as soon
3269as he got his feeling of importance from a representative of the
3270company, his imagined grievances vanished into thin air. 
3271One morning years ago, an angry customer stormed into the office
3272of Julian F. Detmer, founder of the Detmer Woolen Company, which
3273later became the world's largest distributor of woolens to the
3274tailoring trade.
3275"This man owed us a small sum of money," Mr. Detmer explained to
3276me. "The customer denied it, but we knew he was wrong. So our
3277credit department had insisted that he pay. After getting a number of
3278letters from our credit department, he packed his grip, made a trip to
3279Chicago, and hurried into my office to inform me not only that he
3280was not going to pay that bill, but that he was never going to buy
3281another dollar's worth of goods from the Detmer Woolen Company.
3282"I listened patiently to all he had to say. I was tempted to interrupt,
3283but I realized that would be bad policy, So I let him talk himself out.
3284When he finally simmered down and got in a receptive mood, I said
3285quietly: 'I want to thank vou for coming to Chicago to tell me about
3286this. You have done me a great favor, for if our credit department
3287has annoyed you, it may annoy other good customers, and that
3288would be just too bad. Believe me, I am far more eager to hear this
3289than you are to tell it.'
3290"That was the last thing in the world he expected me to say. I think
3291he was a trifle disappointed, because he had come to Chicago to tell
3292me a thing or two, but here I was thanking him instead of scrapping
3293with him. I assured him we would wipe the charge off the books and
3294forget it, because he was a very careful man with only one account
3295to look after, while our clerks had to look after thousands. Therefore,
3296he was less likely to be wrong than we were.
3297"I told him that I understood exactly how he felt and that, if I were
3298in his shoes, I should undoubtedly feel precisely as he did. Since he
3299wasn't going to buy from us anymore, I recommended some other
3300woolen houses.
3301"In the past, we had usually lunched together when he came to
3302Chicago, so I invited him to have lunch with me this day. He
3303accepted reluctantly, but when we came back to the office he placed
3304a larger order than ever before. He returned home in a softened
3305mood and, wanting to be just as fair with us as we had been with
3306him, looked over his bills, found one that had been mislaid, and sent
3307us a check with his apologies.
3308"Later, when his wife presented him with a baby boy, he gave his
3309son the middle name of Detmer, and he remained a friend and
3310customer of the house until his death twenty-two years afterwards."
3311Years ago, a poor Dutch immigrant boy washed the windows of a
3312bakery shop after school to help support his family. His people were
3313so poor that in addition he used to go out in the street with a basket 
3314every day and collect stray bits of coal that had fallen in the gutter
3315where the coal wagons had delivered fuel. That boy, Edward Bok,
3316never got more than six years of schooling in his life; yet eventually
3317he made himself one of the most successful magazine editors in the
3318history of American journalism. How did he do it? That is a long
3319story, but how he got his start can be told briefly. He got his start by
3320using the principles advocated in this chapter.
3321He left school when he was thirteen and became an office boy for
3322Western Union, but he didn't for one moment give up the idea of an
3323education. Instead, he started to educate himself, He saved his
3324carfares and went without lunch until he had enough money to buy
3325an encyclopedia of American biography - and then he did an
3326unheard-of thing. He read the lives of famous people and wrote
3327them asking for additional information about their childhoods. He
3328was a good listener. He asked famous people to tell him more about
3329themselves. He wrote General James A. Garfield, who was then
3330running for President, and asked if it was true that he was once a
3331tow boy on a canal; and Garfield replied. He wrote General Grant
3332asking about a certain battle, and Grant drew a map for him and
3333invited this fourteen-year old boy to dinner and spent the evening
3334talking to him.
3335Soon our Western Union messenger boy was corresponding with
3336many of the most famous people in the nation: Ralph Waldo
3337Emerson, Oliver Wendell Holmes, Longfellow, Mrs. Abraham Lincoln,
3338Louisa May Alcott, General Sherman and Jefferson Davis. Not only
3339did he correspond with these distinguished people, but as soon as he
3340got a vacation, he visited many of them as a welcome guest in their
3341homes. This experience imbued him with a confidence that was
3342invaluable. These men and women fired him with a vision and
3343ambition that shaped his life. And all this, let me repeat, was made
3344possible solely by the application of the principles we are discussing
3345here.
3346Isaac F. Marcosson, a journalist who interviewed hundreds of
3347celebrities, declared that many people fail to make a favorable
3348impression because they don't listen attentively. "They have been so
3349much concerned with what they are going to say next that they do
3350not keep their ears open. ... Very important people have told me that
3351they prefer good listeners to good talkers, but the ability to listen
3352seems rarer than almost any other good trait ."
3353And not only important personages crave a good listener, but
3354ordinary folk do too. As the Reader's Digest once said: "Many
3355persons call a doctor when all they want is an audience,"
3356During the darkest hours of the Civil War, Lincoln wrote to an old
3357friend in Springfield, Illinois, asking him to come to Washington.
3358Lincoln said he had some problems he wanted to discuss with him. 
3359The old neighbor called at the White House, and Lincoln talked to
3360him for hours about the advisability of issuing a proclamation freeing
3361the slaves. Lincoln went over all the arguments for and against such
3362a move, and then read letters and newspaper articles, some
3363denouncing him for not freeing the slaves and others denouncing
3364him for fear he was going to free them. After talking for hours,
3365Lincoln shook hands with his old neighbor, said good night, and sent
3366him back to Illinois without even asking for his opinion. Lincoln had
3367done all the talking himself. That seemed to clarify his mind. "He
3368seemed to feel easier after that talk," the old friend said. Lincoln
3369hadn't wanted advice, He had wanted merely a friendly, sympathetic
3370listener to whom he could unburden himself. That's what we all want
3371when we are in trouble. That is frequently all the irritated customer
3372wants, and the dissatisfied employee or the hurt friend.
3373One of the great listeners of modern times was Sigmund Freud. A
3374man who met Freud described his manner of listening: "It struck me
3375so forcibly that I shall never forget him. He had qualities which I had
3376never seen in any other man. Never had I seen such concentrated
3377attention. There was none of that piercing 'soul penetrating gaze'
3378business. His eyes were mild and genial. His voice was low and kind.
3379His gestures were few. But the attention he gave me, his
3380appreciation of what I said, even when I said it badly, was
3381extraordinary, You've no idea what it meant to be listened to like
3382that."
3383If you want to know how to make people shun you and laugh at you
3384behind your back and even despise you, here is the recipe: Never
3385listen to anyone for long. Talk incessantly about yourself. If you have
3386an idea while the other person is talking, don't wait for him or her to
3387finish: bust right in and interrupt in the middle of a sentence.
3388Do you know people like that? I do, unfortunately; and the
3389astonishing part of it is that some of them are prominent.
3390Bores, that is all they are - bores intoxicated with their own egos,
3391drunk with a sense of their own importance.
3392People who talk only of themselves think only of themselves. And
3393"those people who think only of themselves," Dr. Nicholas Murray
3394Butler, longtime president of Columbia University, said, "are
3395hopelessly uneducated. They are not educated," said Dr. Butler, "no
3396matter how instructed they may be."
3397So if you aspire to be a good conversationalist, be an attentive
3398listener. To be interesting, be interested. Ask questions that other
3399persons will enjoy answering. Encourage them to talk about
3400themselves and their accomplishments. 
3401Remember that the people you are talking to are a hundred times
3402more interested in themselves and their wants and problems than
3403they are in you and your problems. A person's toothache means
3404more to that person than a famine in China which kills a million
3405people. A boil on one's neck interests one more than forty
3406earthquakes in Africa. Think of that the next time you start a
3407conversation.
3408• Principle 4 - Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about
3409themselves.
3410~~~~~~~
34115 - How To Interest People
3412Everyone who was ever a guest of Theodore Roosevelt was
3413astonished at the range and diversity of his knowledge. Whether his
3414visitor was a cowboy or a Rough Rider, a New York politician or a
3415diplomat, Roosevelt knew what to say. And how was it done? The
3416answer was simple. Whenever Roosevelt expected a visitor, he sat
3417up late the night before, reading up on the subject in which he knew
3418his guest was particularly interested.
3419For Roosevelt knew, as all leaders know, that the royal road to a
3420person's heart is to talk about the things he or she treasures most.
3421The genial William Lyon Phelps, essayist and professor of literature
3422at Yale, learned this lesson early in life.
3423"When I was eight years old and was spending a weekend visiting
3424my Aunt Libby Linsley at her home in Stratford on the Housatonic,"
3425he wrote in his essay on Human Nature, "a middle-aged man called
3426one evening, and after a polite skirmish with my aunt, he devoted his
3427attention to me. At that time, I happened to be excited about boats,
3428and the visitor discussed the subject in a way that seemed to me
3429particularly interesting. After he left, I spoke of him with enthusiasm.
3430What a man! My aunt informed me he was a New York lawyer, that
3431he cared nothing whatever about boats - that he took not the
3432slightest interest in the subject. 'But why then did he talk all the time
3433about boats?'
3434" 'Because he is a gentleman. He saw you were interested in boats,
3435and he talked about the things he knew would interest and please
3436you. He made himself agreeable.' "
3437And William Lyon Phelps added: "I never forgot my aunt's remark."
3438As I write this chapter, I have before me a letter from Edward L.
3439Chalif, who was active in Boy Scout work. 
3440"One day I found I needed a favor," wrote Mr. Chalif. "A big Scout
3441jamboree was coming off in Europe, and I wanted the president of
3442one of the largest corporations in America to pay the expenses of
3443one of my boys for the trip.
3444"Fortunately, just before I went to see this man, I heard that he had
3445drawn a check for a million dollars, and that after it was canceled, he
3446had had it framed.
3447"So the first thing I did when I entered his office was to ask to see
3448the check. A check for a million dollars! I told him I never knew that
3449anybody had ever written such a check, and that I wanted to tell my
3450boys that I had actually seen a check for a million dollars. He gladly
3451showed it to me; I admired it and asked him to tell me all about how
3452it happened to be drawn."
3453You notice, don't you, that Mr. Chalif didn't begin by talking about
3454the Boy Scouts, or the jamboree in Europe, or what it was he
3455wanted? He talked in terms of what interested the other man. Here's
3456the result:
3457"Presently, the man I was interviewing said: 'Oh, by the way, what
3458was it you wanted to see me about?' So I told him.
3459"To my vast surprise," Mr. Chalif continues, "he not only granted
3460immediately what I asked for, but much more. I had asked him to
3461send only one boy to Europe, but he sent five boys and myself, gave
3462me a letter of credit for a thousand dollars and told us to stay in
3463Europe for seven weeks. He also gave me letters of introduction to
3464his branch presidents, putting them at our service, and he himself
3465met us in Paris and showed us the town.
3466Since then, he has given jobs to some of the boys whose parents
3467were in want, and he is still active in our group.
3468"Yet I know if I hadn't found out what he was interested in, and got
3469him warmed up first, I wouldn't have found him one-tenth as easy to
3470approach."
3471Is this a valuable technique to use in business? Is it? Let's see, Take
3472Henry G. Duvernoy of Duvemoy and Sons, a wholesale baking firm in
3473New York.
3474Mr. Duvernoy had been trying to sell bread to a certain New York
3475hotel. He had called on the manager every week for four years. He
3476went to the same social affairs the manager attended. He even took
3477rooms in the hotel and lived there in order to get the business. But
3478he failed. 
3479"Then," said Mr. Duvernoy, "after studying human relations, I
3480resolved to change my tactics. I decided to find out what interested
3481this man - what caught his enthusiasm.
3482"I discovered he belonged to a society of hotel executives called the
3483Hotel Greeters of America. He not only belonged, but his bubbling
3484enthusiasm had made him president of the organization, and
3485president of the International Greeters. No matter where its
3486conventions were held, he would be there.
3487"So when I saw him the next day, I began talking about the
3488Greeters. What a response I got. What a response! He talked to me
3489for half an hour about the Greeters, his tones vibrant with
3490enthusiasm. I could plainly see that this society was not only his
3491hobby, it was the passion of his life. Before I left his office, he had
3492'sold' me a membership in his organization.
3493"In the meantime, I had said nothing about bread. But a few days
3494later, the steward of his hotel phoned me to come over with samples
3495and prices.
3496" 'I don't know what you did to the old boy,' the steward greeted me,
3497'but he sure is sold on you!'
3498"Think of it! I had been drumming at that man for four years - trying
3499to get his business - and I'd still be drumming at him if I hadn't
3500finally taken the trouble to find out what he was interested in, and
3501what he enjoyed talking about."
3502Edward E. Harriman of Hagerstown, Maryland, chose to live in the
3503beautiful Cumberland Valley of Maryland after he completed his
3504military service. Unfortunately, at that time there were few jobs
3505available in the area. A little research uncovered the fact that a
3506number of companies in the area were either owned or controlled by
3507an unusual business maverick, R. J. Funkhouser, whose rise from
3508poverty to riches intrigued Mr. Harriman. However, he was known for
3509being inaccessible to job seekers. Mr. Harriman wrote:
3510"I interviewed a number of people and found that his major interest
3511was anchored in his drive for power and money. Since he protected
3512himself from people like me by use of a dedicated and stern
3513secretary, I studied her interests and goals and only then I paid an
3514unannounced visit at her office. She had been Mr. Funkhouser's
3515orbiting satellite for about fifteen years. When I told her I had a
3516proposition for him which might translate itself into financial and
3517political success for him, she became enthused. I also conversed
3518with her about her constructive participation in his success. After this
3519conversation she arranged for me to meet Mr. Funkhouser. 
3520"I entered his huge and impressive office determined not to ask
3521directly for a job. He was seated behind a large carved desk and
3522thundered at me, 'How about it, young man?' I said, 'Mr.
3523Funkhouser, I believe I can make money for you.' He immediately
3524rose and invited me to sit in one of the large upholstered chairs. I
3525enumerated my ideas and the qualifications I had to realize these
3526ideas, as well as how they would contribute to his personal success
3527and that of his businesses.
3528" 'R. J.,' as he became known to me, hired me at once and for over
3529twenty years I have grown in his enterprises and we both have
3530prospered."
3531Talking in terms of the other person's interests pays off for both
3532parties. Howard Z. Herzig, a leader in the field of employee
3533communications, has always followed this principle. When asked
3534what reward he got from it, Mr. Herzig responded that he not only
3535received a different reward from each person but that in general the
3536reward had been an enlargement of his life each time he spoke to
3537someone.
3538• Principle 5 - Talk in terms of the other person's interests.
3539~~~~~~~
35406 - How To Make People Like You Instantly
3541I was waiting in line to register a letter in the post office at Thirtythird
3542Street and Eighth Avenue in New York. I noticed that the clerk
3543appeared to be bored with the job -weighing envelopes, handing out
3544stamps, making change, issuing receipts - the same monotonous
3545grind year after year. So I said to myself: "I am going to try to make
3546that clerk like me. Obviously, to make him like me, I must say
3547something nice, not about myself, but about him. So I asked myself,
3548'What is there about him that I can honestly admire?' " That is
3549sometimes a hard question to answer, especially with strangers; but,
3550in this case, it happened to be easy. I instantly saw something I
3551admired no end.
3552So while he was weighing my envelope, I remarked with enthusiasm:
3553"I certainly wish I had your head of hair."
3554He looked up, half-startled, his face beaming with smiles. "Well, it
3555isn't as good as it used to be," he said modestly. I assured him that
3556although it might have lost some of its pristine glory, nevertheless it
3557was still magnificent. He was immensely pleased. We carried on a
3558pleasant little conversation and the last thing he said to me was:
3559"Many people have admired my hair." 
3560I'll bet that person went out to lunch that day walking on air. I'll bet
3561he went home that night and told his wife about it. I'll bet he looked
3562in the mirror and said: "It is a beautiful head of hair."
3563I told this story once in public and a man asked me afterwards:
3564"'What did you want to get out of him?"
3565What was I trying to get out of him!!! What was I trying to get out of
3566him!!!
3567If we are so contemptibly selfish that we can't radiate a little
3568happiness and pass on a bit of honest appreciation without trying to
3569get something out of the other person in return - if our souls are no
3570bigger than sour crab apples, we shall meet with the failure we so
3571richly deserve. Oh yes, I did want something out of that chap. I
3572wanted something priceless. And I got it. I got the feeling that I had
3573done something for him without his being able to do anything
3574whatever in return for me. That is a feeling that flows and sings in
3575your memory lung after the incident is past.
3576There is one all-important law of human conduct. If we obey that
3577law, we shall almost never get into trouble. In fact, that law, if
3578obeyed, will bring us countless friends and constant happiness. But
3579the very instant we break the law, we shall get into endless trouble.
3580The law is this: Always make the other person feel important. John
3581Dewey, as we have already noted, said that the desire to be
3582important is the deepest urge in human nature; and William James
3583said: "The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be
3584appreciated." As I have already pointed out, it is this urge that
3585differentiates us from the animals. It is this urge that has been
3586responsible for civilization itself.
3587Philosophers have been speculating on the rules of human
3588relationships for thousands of years, and out of all that speculation,
3589there has evolved only one important precept. It is not new. It is as
3590old as history. Zoroaster taught it to his followers in Persia twentyfive
3591hundred years ago. Confucius preached it in China twenty-four
3592centuries ago. Lao-tse, the founder of Taoism, taught it to his
3593disciples in the Valley of the Han. Buddha preached it on the bank of
3594the Holy Ganges five hundred years before Christ. The sacred books
3595of Hinduism taught it a thousand years before that. Jesus taught it
3596among the stony hills of Judea nineteen centuries ago. Jesus
3597summed it up in one thought -probably the most important rule in
3598the world: "Do unto others as you would have others do unto you."
3599You want the approval of those with whom you come in contact. You
3600want recognition of your true worth. You want a feeling that you are
3601important in your little world. You don't want to listen to cheap,
3602insincere flattery, but you do crave sincere appreciation. You want 
3603your friends and associates to be, as Charles Schwab put it, "hearty
3604in their approbation and lavish in their praise." All of us want that.
3605So let's obey the Golden Rule, and give unto others what we would
3606have others give unto us, How? When? Where? The answer is: All
3607the time, everywhere.
3608David G. Smith of Eau Claire, Wisconsin, told one of our classes how
3609he handled a delicate situation when he was asked to take charge of
3610the refreshment booth at a charity concert,
3611"The night of the concert I arrived at the park and found two elderly
3612ladies in a very bad humor standing next to the refreshment stand.
3613Apparently each thought that she was in charge of this project. As I
3614stood there pondering what to do, me of the members of the
3615sponsoring committee appeared and handed me a cash box and
3616thanked me for taking over the project. She introduced Rose and
3617Jane as my helpers and then ran off.
3618"A great silence ensued. Realizing that the cash box was a symbol of
3619authority (of sorts), I gave the box to Rose and explained that I
3620might not be able to keep the money straight and that if she took
3621care of it I would feel better. I then suggested to Jane that she show
3622two teenagers who had been assigned to refreshments how to
3623operate the soda machine, and I asked her to be responsible for that
3624part of the project.
3625"The evening was very enjoyable with Rose happily counting the
3626money, Jane supervising the teenagers, and me enjoying the
3627concert."
3628You don't have to wait until you are ambassador to France or
3629chairman of the Clambake Committee of your lodge before you use
3630this philosophy of appreciation. You can work magic with it almost
3631every day.
3632If, for example, the waitress brings us mashed potatoes when we
3633have ordered French fried, let's say: "I'm sorry to trouble you, but I
3634prefer French fried." She'll probably reply, "No trouble at all" and will
3635be glad to change the potatoes, because we have shown respect for
3636her.
3637Little phrases such as "I'm sorry to trouble you," "Would you be so
3638kind as to ----? " "Won't you please?" " Would you mind?" "Thank
3639you" - little courtesies like these oil the cogs of the monotonous
3640grind of everyday life- and, incidentally, they are the hallmark of
3641good breeding.
3642Let's take another illustration. Hall Caine's novels-The Christian, The
3643Deemster, The Manxman, among them - were all best-sellers in the 
3644early part of this century. Millions of people read his novels,
3645countless millions. He was the son of a blacksmith. He never had
3646more than eight years' schooling in his life; yet when he died he was
3647the richest literary man of his time.
3648The story goes like this: Hall Caine loved sonnets and ballads; so he
3649devoured all of Dante Gabriel Rossetti's poetry. He even wrote a
3650lecture chanting the praises of Rossetti's artistic achievement-and
3651sent a copy to Rossetti himself. Rossetti was delighted. "Any young
3652man who has such an exalted opinion of my ability," Rossetti
3653probably said to himself, "must be brilliant," So Rossetti invited this
3654blacksmith's son to come to London and act as his secretary. That
3655was the turning point in Hall Caine's life; for, in his new position, he
3656met the literary artists of the day. Profiting by their advice and
3657inspired by their encouragement, he launched upon a career that
3658emblazoned his name across the sky.
3659His home, Greeba Castle, on the Isle of Man, became a Mecca for
3660tourists from the far corners of the world, and he left a multimillion
3661dollar estate. Yet - who knows - he might have died poor and
3662unknown had he not written an essay expressing his admiration for a
3663famous man.
3664Such is the power, the stupendous power, of sincere, heartfelt
3665appreciation.
3666Rossetti considered himself important. That is not strange, Almost
3667everyone considers himself important, very important.
3668The life of many a person could probably be changed if only
3669someone would make him feel important. Ronald J. Rowland, who is
3670one of the instructors of our course in California, is also a teacher of
3671arts and crafts. He wrote to us about a student named Chris in his
3672beginning crafts class:
3673Chris was a very quiet, shy boy lacking in self-confidence, the kind of
3674student that often does not receive the attention he deserves. I also
3675teach an advanced class that had grown to be somewhat of a status
3676symbol and a privilege for a student to have earned the right to be in
3677it. On Wednesday, Chris was diligently working at his desk. I really
3678felt there was a hidden fire deep inside him. I asked Chris if he
3679would like to be in the advanced class. How I wish I could express
3680the look in Chris's face, the emotions in that shy fourteen-year-old
3681boy, trying to hold back his tears.
3682"Who me, Mr. Rowland? Am I good enough?"
3683"Yes, Chris, you are good enough." 
3684I had to leave at that point because tears were coming to my eyes.
3685As Chris walked out of class that day, seemingly two inches taller, he
3686looked at me with bright blue eyes and said in a positive voice,
3687"Thank you, Mr. Rowland."
3688Chris taught me a lesson I will never forget-our deep desire to feel
3689important. To help me never forget this rule, I made a sign which
3690reads "YOU ARE IMPORTANT." This sign hangs in the front of the
3691classroom for all to see and to remind me that each student I face is
3692equally important.
3693The unvarnished truth is that almost all the people you meet feel
3694themselves superior to you in some way, and a sure way to their
3695hearts is to let them realize in some subtle way that you recognize
3696their importance, and recognize it sincerely.
3697Remember what Emerson said: "Every man I meet is my superior in
3698some way. In that, I learn of him."
3699And the pathetic part of it is that frequently those who have the least
3700justification for a feeling of achievement bolster up their egos by a
3701show of tumult and conceit which is truly nauseating. As
3702Shakespeare put it: "... man, proud man,/Drest in a little brief
3703authority,/ ... Plays such fantastic tricks before high heaven/As make
3704the angels weep."
3705I am going to tell you how business people in my own courses have
3706applied these principles with remarkable results. Let's take the case
3707of a Connecticut attorney (because of his relatives he prefers not to
3708have his name mentioned).
3709Shortly after joining the course, Mr. R----- drove to Long Island with
3710his wife to visit some of her relatives. She left him to chat with an old
3711aunt of hers and ther rushed off by herself to visit some of the
3712younger relatives. Since he soon had to give a speech professionally
3713on how he applied the principles of appreciation, he thought he
3714would gain some worthwhile experience talking with the-elderly lady.
3715So he looked around the house to see what he could honestly
3716admire.
3717"This house was built about 1890, wasn't it?" he inquired.
3718"Yes," she replied, "that is precisely the year it was built."
3719"It reminds me of the house I was born in," he said. "It's beautiful.
3720Well built. Roomy. You know, they don't build houses like this
3721anymore." 
3722"You're right," the old lady agreed. "The young folks nowadays don't
3723care for beautiful homes. All they want is a small apartment, and
3724then they go off gadding about in their automobiles.
3725"This is a dream house," she said in a voice vibrating with tender
3726memories. "This house was built with love. My husband and I
3727dreamed about it for years before we built it. We didn't have an
3728architect. We planned it all ourselves."
3729She showed Mr. R----- about the house, and he expressed his hearty
3730admiration for the beautiful treasures she had picked up in her
3731travels and cherished over a lifetime - paisley shawls, an old English
3732tea set, Wedgwood china, French beds and chairs, Italian paintings,
3733and silk draperies that had once hung in a French chateau.
3734After showing Mr. R----- through the house, she took him out to the
3735garage. There, jacked up on blocks, was a Packard car - in mint
3736condition.
3737"My husband bought that car for me shortly before he passed on,"
3738she said softly. "I have never ridden in it since his death. ... You
3739appreciate nice things, and I'm going to give this car to you."
3740"Why, aunty," he said, "you overwhelm me. I appreciate your
3741generosity, of course; but I couldn't possibly accept it. I'm not even
3742a relative of yours. I have a new car, and you have many relatives
3743that would like to have that Packard."
3744"Relatives!" she exclaimed. "Yes, I have relatives who are just
3745waiting till I die so they can get that car. But they are not going to
3746get it."
3747"If you don't want to give it to them, you can very easily sell it to a
3748secondhand dealer," he told her.
3749"Sell it!" she cried. "Do you think I would sell this car? Do you think I
3750could stand to see strangers riding up and down the street in that
3751car - that car that my husband bought for me? I wouldn't dream of
3752selling it. I'm going to give it to you. You appreciate beautiful
3753things."
3754He tried to get out of accepting the car, but he couldn't without
3755hurting her feelings.
3756This lady, left all alone in a big house with her paisley shawls, her
3757French antiques, and her memories, was starving for a little
3758recognition, She had once been young and beautiful and sought
3759after She had once built a house warm with love and had collected
3760things from all over Europe to make it beautiful. Now, in the isolated
3761loneliness of old age, she craved a little human warmth, a little 
3762genuine appreciation - and no one gave it to her. And when she
3763found it, like a spring in the desert, her gratitude couldn't adequately
3764express itself with anything less than the gift of her cherished
3765Packard.
3766Let's take another case: Donald M. McMahon, who was
3767superintendent of Lewis and Valentine, nurserymen and landscape
3768architects in Rye, New York, related this incident:
3769"Shortly after I attended the talk on 'How to Win Friends and
3770Influence People,' I was landscaping the estate of a famous attorney.
3771The owner came out to give me a few instructions about where he
3772wished to plant a mass of rhododendrons and azaleas.
3773"I said, 'Judge, you have a lovely hobby. I've been admiring your
3774beautiful dogs. I understand you win a lot of blue ribbons every year
3775at the show in Madison Square Garden.'
3776"The effect of this little expression of appreciation was striking.
3777" 'Yes,' the judge replied, 'I do have a lot of fun with my dogs. Would
3778you like to see my kennel?'
3779"He spent almost an hour showing me his dogs and the prizes they
3780had won. He even brought out their pedigrees and explained about
3781the bloodlines responsible for such beauty and intelligence.
3782"Finally, turning to me, he asked: 'Do you have any small children?'
3783" 'Yes, I do,' I replied, 'I have a son.'
3784" 'Well, wouldn't he like a puppy?' the judge inquired.
3785" 'Oh, yes, he'd be tickled pink.'
3786" 'All right, I'm going to give him one,' the . judge announced.
3787He started to tell me how to feed the puppy. Then he paused. 'You'll
3788forget it if I tell you. I'll write it out.' So the judge went in the house,
3789typed out the pedigree and feeding instructions, and gave me a
3790puppy worth several hundred dollars and one hour and fifteen
3791minutes of his valuable time largely because I had expressed my
3792honest admiration for his hobby and achievements."
3793George Eastman, of Kodak fame, invented the transparent film that
3794made motion pictures possible, amassed a fortune of a hundred
3795million dollars, and made himself one of the most famous
3796businessmen on earth. Yet in spite of all these tremendous
3797accomplishments, he craved little recognitions even as you and I. 
3798To illustrate: When Eastman was building the Eastman School of
3799Music and also Kilbourn Hall in Rochester, James Adamson, then
3800president of the Superior Seating Company of New York, wanted to
3801get the order to supply the theater chairs for these buildings.
3802Phoning the architect, Mr. Adamson made an appointment to see Mr.
3803Eastman in Rochester.
3804When Adamson arrived, the architect said: "I know you want to get
3805this order, but I can tell you right now that you won't stand a ghost
3806of a show if you take more than five minutes of George Eastman's
3807time. He is a strict disciplinarian. He is very busy. So tell your story
3808quickly and get out."
3809Adamson was prepared to do just that.
3810When he was ushered into the room he saw Mr. Eastman bending
3811over a pile of papers at his desk. Presently, Mr. Eastman looked up,
3812removed his glasses, and walked toward the architect and Mr.
3813Adamson, saying: "Good morning, gentlemen, what can I do for
3814you?"
3815The architect introduced them, and then Mr. Adamson said: "While
3816we've been waiting for you, Mr. Eastman, I've been admiring your
3817office. I wouldn't mind working in a room like this myself. I'm in the
3818interior-woodworking business, and I never saw a more beautiful
3819office in all my life."
3820George Eastman replied: "You remind me of something I had almost
3821forgotten. It is beautiful, isn't it? I enjoyed it a great deal when it
3822was first built. But I come down here now with a lot of other things
3823on my mind and sometimes don't even see the room for weeks at a
3824time ."
3825Adamson walked over and rubbed his hand across a panel. "This is
3826English oak, isn't it? A little different texture from Italian oak."
3827"Yes," Eastman replied. "Imported English oak. It was selected for
3828me by a friend who specializes in fine woods ."
3829Then Eastman showed him about the room, commenting on the
3830proportions, the coloring, the hand carving and other effects he had
3831helped to plan and execute.
3832While drifting about the room, admiring the wood-work, they paused
3833before a window, and George Eastman, in his modest, soft-spoken
3834way, pointed out some of the institutions through which he was
3835trying to help humanity: the University of Rochester, the General
3836Hospital, the Homeopathic Hospital, the Friendly Home, the
3837Children's Hospital. Mr. Adamson congratulated him warmly on the
3838idealistic way he was using his wealth to alleviate the sufferings of 
3839humanity. Presently, George Eastman unlocked a glass case and
3840pulled out the first camera he had ever owned - an invention he had
3841bought from an Englishman.
3842Adamson questioned him at length about his early struggles to get
3843started in business, and Mr. Eastman spoke with real feeling about
3844the poverty of his childhood, telling how his widowed mother had
3845kept a boardinghouse while he clerked in an insurance office. The
3846terror of poverty haunted him day and night, and he resolved to
3847make enough money so that his mother wouldn't have to work, Mr.
3848Adamson drew him out with further questions and listened,
3849absorbed, while he related the story of his experiments with dry
3850photographic plates. He told how he had worked in an office all day,
3851and sometimes experimented all night, taking only brief naps while
3852the chemicals were working, sometimes working and sleeping in his
3853clothes for seventy-two hours at a stretch.
3854James Adamson had been ushered into Eastman's office at tenfifteen
3855and had been warned that he must not take more than five
3856minutes; but an hour had passed, then two hours passed. And they
3857were still talking. Finally, George Eastman turned to Adamson and
3858said, "The last time I was in Japan I bought some chairs, brought
3859them home, and put them in my sun porch. But the sun peeled the
3860paint, so I went downtown the other day and bought some paint and
3861painted the chairs myself. Would you like to see what sort of a job I
3862can do painting chairs? All right. Come up to my home and have
3863lunch with me and I'll show you."
3864After lunch, Mr. Eastman showed Adamson the chairs he had
3865brought from Japan. They weren't worth more than a few dollars,
3866but George Eastman, now a multimillionaire, was proud of them
3867because he himself had painted them.
3868The order for the seats amounted to $90,000. Who do you suppose
3869got the order - James Adamson or one of his competitors?
3870From the time of this story until Mr. Eastman's death, he and James
3871Adamson were close friends.
3872Claude Marais, a restaurant owner in Rouen, France, used this
3873principle and saved his restaurant the loss of a key employee. This
3874woman had been in his employ for five years and was a vital link
3875between M. Marais and his staff of twenty-one people. He was
3876shocked to receive a registered letter from her advising him of her
3877resignation.
3878M. Marais reported: "I was very surprised and, even more,
3879disappointed, because I was under the impression that I had been
3880fair to her and receptive to her needs. Inasmuch as she was a friend
3881as well as an employee, I probably had taken her too much for 
3882granted and maybe was even more demanding of her than of other
3883employees.
3884"I could not, of course, accept this resignation without some
3885explanation. I took her aside and said, 'Paulette, you must
3886understand that I cannot accept your resignation You mean a great
3887deal to me and to this company, and you are as important to the
3888success of this restaurant as I am.' I repeated this in front of the
3889entire staff, and I invited her to my home and reiterated my
3890confidence in her with my family present.
3891"Paulette withdrew her resignation, and today I can rely on her as
3892never before. I frequently reinforce this by expressing my
3893appreciation for what she does and showing her how important she
3894is to me and to the restaurant."
3895"Talk to people about themselves," said Disraeli, one of the
3896shrewdest men who ever ruled the British Empire. "Talk to people
3897about themselves and they will listen for hours ."
3898• Principle 6 - Make the other person feel important-and do it
3899sincerely.
3900~~~~
3901In a Nutshell - Six Ways To Make People Like You
3902• Principle 1 - Become genuinely interested in other people.
3903• Principle 2 - Smile.
3904• Principle 3 - Remember that a person's name is to that person the
3905sweetest and most important sound in any language.
3906• Principle 4 - Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about
3907themselves.
3908• Principle 5 - Talk in terms of the other person's interests.
3909• Principle 6 - Make the other person feel important-and do it
3910sincerely.
3911---------------------------------------
3912Part Three - How To Win People To Your Way Of Thinking
39131 You Can't Win An Argument
3914Shortly after the close of World War I, I learned an invaluable lesson
3915one night in London. I was manager at the time for Sir Ross Smith.
3916During the war, Sir Ross had been the Australian ace out in
3917Palestine; and shortly after peace was declared, he astonished the
3918world by flying halfway around it in thirty days. No such feat had
3919ever been attempted before. It created a tremendous sensation. The
3920Australian government awarded him fifty thousand dollars; the King 
3921of England knighted him; and, for a while, he was the most talkedabout
3922man under the Union Jack. I was attending a banquet one
3923night given in Sir Ross's honor; and during the dinner, the man
3924sitting next to me told a humorous story which hinged on the
3925quotation "There's a divinity that shapes our ends, rough-hew them
3926how we will."
3927The raconteur mentioned that the quotation was from the Bible. He
3928was wrong. I knew that, I knew it positively. There couldn't be the
3929slightest doubt about it. And so, to get a feeling of importance and
3930display my superiority, I appointed myself as an unsolicited and
3931unwelcome committee of one to correct him. He stuck to his guns.
3932What? From Shakespeare? Impossible! Absurd! That quotation was
3933from the Bible. And he knew it.
3934The storyteller was sitting on my right; and Frank Gammond, an old
3935friend of mine, was seated at my left. Mr. Gammond had devoted
3936years to the study of Shakespeare, So the storyteller and I agreed to
3937submit the question to Mr. Gammond. Mr. Gammond listened, kicked
3938me under the table, and then said: "Dale, you are wrong. The
3939gentleman is right. It is from the Bible."
3940On our way home that night, I said to Mr. Gammond: "Frank, you
3941knew that quotation was from Shakespeare,"
3942"Yes, of course," he replied, "Hamlet, Act Five, Scene Two. But we
3943were guests at a festive occasion, my dear Dale. Why prove to a
3944man he is wrong? Is that going to make him like you? Why not let
3945him save his face? He didn't ask for your opinion. He didn't want it.
3946Why argue with him? Always avoid the acute angle." The man who
3947said that taught me a lesson I'll never forget. I not only had made
3948the storyteller uncomfortable, but had put my friend in an
3949embarrassing situation. How much better it would have been had I
3950not become argumentative.
3951It was a sorely needed lesson because I had been an inveterate
3952arguer. During my youth, I had argued with my brother about
3953everything under the Milky Way. When I went to college, I studied
3954logic and argumentation and went in for debating contests. Talk
3955about being from Missouri, I was born there. I had to be shown.
3956Later, I taught debating and argumentation in New York; and once, I
3957am ashamed to admit, I planned to write a book on the subject.
3958Since then, I have listened to, engaged in, and watched the effect of
3959thousands of arguments. As a result of all this, I have come to the
3960conclusion that there is only one way under high heaven to get the
3961best of an argument - and that is to avoid it .
3962Avoid it as you would avoid rattlesnakes and earthquakes. 
3963Nine times out of ten, an argument ends with each of the
3964contestants more firmly convinced than ever that he is absolutely
3965right.
3966You can't win an argument. You can't because if you lose it, you lose
3967it; and if you win it, you lose it. Why? Well, suppose you triumph
3968over the other man and shoot his argument full of holes and prove
3969that he is non compos mentis. Then what? You will feel fine. But
3970what about him? You have made him feel inferior. You have hurt his
3971pride. He will resent your triumph. And -
3972A man convinced against his will Is of the same opinion still.
3973Years ago Patrick J. O'Haire joined one of my classes. He had had
3974little education, and how he loved a scrap! He had once been a
3975chauffeur, and he came to me because he had been trying, without
3976much success, to sell trucks. A little questioning brought out the fact
3977that he was continually scrapping with and antagonizing the very
3978people he was trying to do business with, If a prospect said anything
3979derogatory about the trucks he was selling, Pat saw red and was
3980right at the customer's throat. Pat won a lot of arguments in those
3981days. As he said to me afterward, "I often walked out of an office
3982saving: 'I told that bird something.' Sure I had told him something,
3983but I hadn't sold him anything."
3984Mv first problem was not to teach Patrick J. O'Haire to talk. My
3985immediate task was to train him to refrain from talking and to avoid
3986verbal fights.
3987Mr. O'Haire became one of the star salesmen for the White Motor
3988Company in New York. How did he do it? Here is his story in his own
3989words: "If I walk into a buyer's office now and he says: 'What? A
3990White truck?
3991They're no good! I wouldn't take one if you gave it to me. I'm going
3992to buy the Whose-It truck,' I say, 'The Whose-It is a good truck. If
3993you buy the Whose-It, you'll never make a mistake. The Whose-Its
3994are made by a fine company and sold by good people.'
3995"He is speechless then. There is no room for an argument. If he says
3996the Whose-It is best and I say sure it is, he has to stop. He can't
3997keep on all afternoon saying, 'It's the best' when I'm agreeing with
3998him. We then get off the subject of Whose-It and I begin to talk
3999about the good points of the White truck.
4000"There was a time when a remark like his first one would have made
4001me see scarlet and red and orange. I would start arguing against the
4002Whose-It; and the more I argued against it, the more my prospect 
4003argued in favor of it; and the more he argued, the more he sold
4004himself on my competitor's product.
4005"As I look back now I wonder how I was ever able to sell anything. I
4006lost years of my life in scrapping and arguing. I keep my mouth shut
4007now. It pays."
4008As wise old Ben Franklin used to say:
4009If you argue and rankle and contradict, you may achieve a victory
4010sometimes; but it will be an empty victory because you will never get
4011your opponent's good will.
4012So figure it out for yourself. Which would you rather have, an
4013academic, theatrical victory or a person's good will? You can seldom
4014have both.
4015The Boston Transcript once printed this bit of significant doggerel:
4016Here lies the body of William Jay, . Who died maintaining his right of
4017way-He was right, dead right, as he sped along, But he's just as
4018dead as if he were wrong.
4019You may be right, dead right, as you speed along in your argument;
4020but as far as changing another's mind is concerned, you will probably
4021be just as futile as if you were wrong.
4022Frederick S. Parsons, an income tax consultant, had been disputing
4023and wrangling for an hour with a gover-ment tax inspector. An item
4024of nine thousand dollars was at stake. Mr. Parsons claimed that this
4025nine thousand dollars was in reality a bad debt, that it would never
4026be collected, that it ought not to be taxed. "Bad debt, my eye !"
4027retorted the inspector. "It must be taxed."
4028"This inspector was cold, arrogant and stubborn," Mr. Parsons said
4029as he told the story to the class. "Reason was wasted and so were
4030facts. . . The longer we argued, the more stubborn he became. So I
4031decided to avoid argument, change the subject, and give him
4032appreciation.
4033"I said, 'I suppose this is a very petty matter in comparison with the
4034really important and difficult decisions you're required to make. I've
4035made a study of taxation myself. But I've had to get my knowledge
4036from books. You are getting yours from the firing line of experience.
4037I sometime wish I had a job like yours. It would teach me a lot.' I
4038meant every word I said.
4039"Well." The inspector straightened up in his chair, leaned back, and
4040talked for a long time about his work, telling me of the clever frauds
4041he had uncovered. His tone gradually became friendly, and presently 
4042he was telling me about his children. As he left, he advised me that
4043he would consider my problem further and give me his decision in a
4044few days.
4045"He called at my office three days later and informed me that he had
4046decided to leave the tax return exactly as it was filed."
4047This tax inspector was demonstrating one of the most common of
4048human frailties. He wanted a feeling of importance; and as long as
4049Mr. Parsons argued with him, he got his feeling of importance by
4050loudly asserting his authority. But as soon as his importance was
4051admitted and the argument stopped and he was permitted to expand
4052his ego, he became a sympathetic and kindly human being.
4053Buddha said: "Hatred is never ended by hatred but by love," and a
4054misunderstanding is never ended by an argument but by tact,
4055diplomacy, conciliation and a sympathetic desire to see the other
4056person's viewpoint.
4057Lincoln once reprimanded a young army officer for indulging in a
4058violent controversy with an associate. "No man who is resolved to
4059make the most of himself," said Lincoln, "can spare time for personal
4060contention. Still less can he afford to take the consequences,
4061including the vitiation of his temper and the loss of self-control. Yield
4062larger things to which you show no more than equal rights; and yield
4063lesser ones though clearly your own. Better give your path to a dog
4064than be bitten by him in contesting for the right. Even killing the dog
4065would not cure the bite."
4066In an article in Bits and Pieces,* some suggestions are made on how
4067to keep a disagreement from becoming an argument:
4068Welcome the disagreement. Remember the slogan, "When two
4069partners always agree, one of them is not necessary." If there is
4070some point you haven't thought about, be thankful if it is brought to
4071your attention. Perhaps this disagreement is your opportunity to be
4072corrected before you make a serious mistake.
4073Distrust your first instinctive impression. Our first natural reaction in
4074a disagreeable situation is to be defensive. Be careful. Keep calm and
4075watch out for your first reaction. It may be you at your worst, not
4076your best.
4077Control your temper. Remember, you can measure the size of a
4078person by what makes him or her angry.
4079Listen first. Give your opponents a chance to talk. Let them finish. Do
4080not resist, defend or debate. This only raises barriers. Try to build
4081bridges of understanding. Don't build higher barriers of
4082misunderstanding. 
4083Look for areas of agreement. When you have heard your opponents
4084out, dwell first on the points and areas on which you agree.
4085Be honest, Look for areas where you can admit error and say so.
4086Apologize for your mistakes. It will help disarm your opponents and
4087reduce defensiveness.
4088Promise to think over your opponents' ideas and study them
4089carefully. And mean it. Your opponents may be right. It is a lot easier
4090at this stage to agree to think about their points than to move rapidly
4091ahead and find yourself in a position where your opponents can say:
4092"We tried to tell you, but you wouldn't listen."
4093Thank your opponents sincerely for their interest. Anyone who takes
4094the time to disagree with you is interested in the same things you
4095are. Think of them as people who really want to help you, and you
4096may turn your opponents into friends.
4097Postpone action to give both sides time to think through the
4098problem. Suggest that a new meeting be held later that day or the
4099next day, when all the facts may be brought to bear. In preparation
4100for this meeting, ask yourself some hard questions:
4101Could my opponents be right? Partly right? Is there truth or merit in
4102their position or argument? Is my reaction one that will relieve the
4103problem, or will it just relieve any frustration? Will my reaction drive
4104my opponents further away or draw them closer to me? Will my
4105reaction elevate the estimation good people have of me? Will I win
4106or lose? What price will I have to pay if I win? If I am quiet about it,
4107will the disagreement blow over? Is this difficult situation an
4108opportunity for me?
4109* Bits and Pieces, published by The Economics Press, Fairfield, N.J.
4110Opera tenor Jan Peerce, after he was married nearly fifty years, once
4111said: "My wife and I made a pact a long time ago, and we've kept it
4112no matter how angry we've grown with each other. When one yells,
4113the other should listen-because when two people yell, there is no
4114communication, just noise and bad vibrations."
4115• Principle 1 The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid
4116it.
4117~~~~~~~
41182 - A Sure Way Of Making Enemies -And How To Avoid It 
4119When Theodore Roosevelt was in the White House, he confessed
4120that if he could be right 75 percent of the time, he would reach the
4121highest measure of his expectation.
4122If that was the highest rating that one of the most distinguished men
4123of the twentieth century could hope to obtain, what about you and
4124me?
4125If you can be sure of being right only 55 percent of the time, you can
4126go down to Wall Street and make a million dollars a day. If you can't
4127be sure of being right even 55 percent of the time, why should you
4128tell other people they are wrong?
4129You can tell people they are wrong by a look or an intonation or a
4130gesture just as eloquently as you can in words - and if you tell them
4131they are wrong, do you make them want to agree with you? Never!
4132For you have struck a direct blow at their intelligence, judgment,
4133pride and self-respect. That will make them want to strike back. But
4134it will never make them want to change their minds. You may then
4135hurl at them all the logic of a Plato or an Immanuel Kant, but you will
4136not alter their opinions, for you have hurt their feelings.
4137Never begin by announcing "I am going to prove so-and-so to you."
4138That's bad. That's tantamount to saying: "I'm smarter than you are,
4139I'm going to tell you a thing or two and make you change your
4140mind."
4141That is a challenge. It arouses opposition and makes the listener
4142want to battle with you before you even start.
4143It is difficult, under even the most benign conditions, to change
4144people's minds. So why make it harder? Why handicap yourself?
4145If you are going to prove anything, don't let anybody know it. Do it
4146so subtly, so adroitly, that no one will feel that you are doing it. This
4147was expressed succinctly by Alexander Pope:
4148Men must be taught as if you taught them not And things unknown
4149proposed as things forgot.
4150Over three hundred years ago Galileo said:
4151You cannot teach a man anything; you can only help him to find it
4152within himself.
4153As Lord Chesterfield said to his son:
4154Be wiser than other people if you can; but do not tell them so.
4155Socrates said repeatedly to his followers in Athens: 
4156One thing only I know, and that is that I know nothing.
4157Well, I can't hope to be any smarter than Socrates, so I have quit
4158telling people they are wrong. And I find that it pays.
4159If a person makes a statement that you think is wrong - yes, even
4160that you know is wrong - isn't it better to begin by saying: "Well,
4161now, look, I thought otherwise, but I may be wrong. I frequently
4162am. And if I am wrong, I want to be put right. Let's examine the
4163facts."
4164There's magic, positive magic, in such phrases as: "I may be wrong.
4165I frequently am. Let's examine the facts."
4166Nobody in the heavens above or on earth beneath or in the waters
4167under the earth will ever object to your saying: "I may be wrong.
4168Let's examine the facts."
4169One of our class members who used this approach in dealing with
4170customers was Harold Reinke, a Dodge dealer in Billings, Montana.
4171He reported that because of the pressures of the automobile
4172business, he was often hard-boiled and callous when dealing with
4173customers' complaints. This caused flared tempers, loss of business
4174and general unpleasantness.
4175He told his class: "Recognizing that this was getting me nowhere
4176fast, I tried a new tack. I would say something like this: 'Our
4177dealership has made so many mistakes that I am frequently
4178ashamed. We may have erred in your case. Tell me about it.'
4179"This approach becomes quite disarming, and by the time the
4180customer releases his feelings, he is usually much more reasonable
4181when it comes to settling the matter. In fact, several customers have
4182thanked me for having such an understanding attitude. And two of
4183them have even brought in friends to buy new cars. In this highly
4184competitive market, we need more of this type of customer, and I
4185believe that showing respect for all customers' opinions and treating
4186them diplomatically and courteously will help beat the competition."
4187You will never get into trouble by admitting that you may be wrong.
4188That will stop all argument and inspire your opponent to be just as
4189fair and open and broad-minded as you are. It will make him want to
4190admit that he, too, may be wrong.
4191If you know positively that a person is wrong, and you bluntly tell
4192him or her so, what happens? Let me illustrate. Mr. S---- a young
4193New York attorney, once argued a rather important case before the
4194United States Supreme Court (Lustgarten v. Fleet Corporation 280
4195U.S. 320). The case involved a considerable sum of money and an 
4196important question of law. During the argument, one of the Supreme
4197Court justices said to him: "The statute of limitations in admiralty law
4198is six years, is it not?"
4199Mr. S---- stopped, stared at the Justice for a moment, and then said
4200bluntly: "Your Honor, there is no statute of limitations in admiralty."
4201"A hush fell on the court," said Mr. S---- as he related his experience
4202to one of the author's classes, "and the temperature in the room
4203seemed to drop to zero. I was right. Justice - was wrong. And I had
4204told him so. But did that make him friendly? No. I still believe that I
4205had the law on my side. And I know that I spoke better than I ever
4206spoke before. But I didn't persuade. I made the enormous blunder of
4207telling a very learned and famous man that he was wrong."
4208Few people are logical. Most of us are prejudiced and biased. Most of
4209us are blighted with preconceived notions, with jealousy, suspicion,
4210fear, envy and pride. And most citizens don't want to change their
4211minds about their religion or their haircut or communism or their
4212favorite movie star. So, if you are inclined to tell people they are
4213wrong, please read the following paragraph every morning before
4214breakfast. It is from James Harvey Robinson's enlightening book The
4215Mind in the Making.
4216We sometimes find ourselves changing our minds without any
4217resistance or heavy emotion, but if we are told we are wrong, we
4218resent the imputation and harden our hearts. We are incredibly
4219heedless in the formation of our beliefs, but find ourselves filled with
4220an illicit passion for them when anyone proposes to rob us of their
4221companionship. It is obviously not the ideas themselves that are dear
4222to us, but our self-esteem which is threatened. ... The little word
4223"my" is the most important one in human affairs, and properly to
4224reckon with it is the beginning of wisdom. It has the same force
4225whether it is "my" dinner, "my" dog, and "my" house, or "my" father,
4226"my" country, and "my" God. We not only resent the imputation that
4227our watch is wrong, or our car shabby, but that our conception of
4228the canals of Mars, of the pronunciation of "Epictetus," of the
4229medicinal value of salicin, or of the date of Sargon I is subject to
4230revision. We like to continue to believe what we have been
4231accustomed to accept as true, and the resentment aroused when
4232doubt is cast upon any of our assumptions leads us to seek every
4233manner of excuse for clinging to it. The result is that most of our socalled
4234reasoning consists in finding arguments for going on believing
4235as we already do.
4236Carl Rogers, the eminent psychologist, wrote in his book On
4237Becoming a Person:
4238I have found it of enormous value when I can permit myself to
4239understand the other person. The way in which I have worded this 
4240statement may seem strange to you, Is it necessary to permit
4241oneself to understand another? I think it is. Our first reaction to most
4242of the statements (which we hear from other people) is an
4243evaluation or judgment, rather than an understanding of it. When
4244someone expresses some feeling, attitude or belief, our tendency is
4245almost immediately to feel "that's right," or "that's stupid," "that's
4246abnormal," "that's unreasonable," "that's incorrect," "that's not nice."
4247Very rarely do we permit ourselves to understand precisely what the
4248meaning of the statement is to the other person. (*)
4249----
4250[*] Adapted from Carl R. Rogers, On Becoming a Person (Boston:
4251Houghton Mifflin, 1961), pp. 18ff.
4252----
4253I once employed an interior decorator to make some draperies for
4254my home. When the bill arrived, I was dismayed.
4255A few days later, a friend dropped in and looked at the draperies.
4256The price was mentioned, and she exclaimed with a note of triumph:
4257"What? That's awful. I am afraid he put one over on you."
4258True? Yes, she had told the truth, but few people like to listen to
4259truths that reflect on their judgment. So, being human, I tried to
4260defend myself. I pointed out that the best is eventually the cheapest,
4261that one can't expect to get quality and artistic taste at bargainbasement
4262prices, and so on and on.
4263The next day another friend dropped in, admired the draperies,
4264bubbled over with enthusiasm, and expressed a wish that she could
4265afford such exquisite creations for her home. My reaction was totally
4266different. "Well, to tell the truth," I said, "I can't afford them myself.
4267I paid too much. I'm sorry I ordered them,"
4268When we are wrong, we may admit it to ourselves. And if we are
4269handled gently and tactfully, we may admit it to others and even
4270take pride in our frankness and broad-mindedness. But not if
4271someone else is trying to ram the unpalatable fact down our
4272esophagus.
4273Horace Greeley, the most famous editor in America during the time
4274of the Civil War, disagreed violently with Lincoln's policies. He
4275believed that he could drive Lincoln into agreeing with him by a
4276campaign of argument, ridicule and abuse. He waged this bitter
4277campaign month after month, year after year. In fact, he wrote a
4278brutal, bitter, sarcastic and personal attack on President Lincoln the
4279night Booth shot him. 
4280But did all this bitterness make Lincoln agree with Greeley? Not at
4281all. Ridicule and abuse never do. If you want some excellent
4282suggestions about dealing with people and managing yourself and
4283improving your personality, read Benjamin Franklin's autobiography -
4284one of the most fascinating life stories ever written, one of the
4285classics of American literature. Ben Franklin tells how he conquered
4286the iniquitous habit of argument and transformed himself into one of
4287the most able, suave and diplomatic men in American history.
4288One day, when Ben Franklin was a blundering youth, an old Quaker
4289friend took him aside and lashed him with a few stinging truths,
4290something like this:
4291Ben, you are impossible. Your opinions have a slap in them for
4292everyone who differs with you. They have become so offensive that
4293nobody cares for them. Your friends find they enjoy themselves
4294better when you are not around. You know so much that no man can
4295tell you anything. Indeed, no man is going to try, for the effort would
4296lead only to discomfort and hard work. So you are not likely ever to
4297know any more than you do now, which is very little.
4298One of the finest things I know about Ben Franklin is the way he
4299accepted that smarting rebuke. He was big enough and wise enough
4300to realize that it was true, to sense that he was headed for failure
4301and social disaster. So he made a right-about-face. He began
4302immediately to change his insolent, opinionated ways.
4303"I made it a rule," said Franklin, "to forbear all direct contradiction to
4304the sentiment of others, and all positive assertion of my own, I even
4305forbade myself the use of every word or expression in the language
4306that imported a fix'd opinion, such as 'certainly,' 'undoubtedly,' etc.,
4307and I adopted, instead of them, 'I conceive,' 'I apprehend, ' or 'I
4308imagine' a thing to be so or so, or 'it so appears to me at present.'
4309When another asserted something that I thought an error, I deny'd
4310myself the pleasure of contradicting him abruptly, and of showing
4311immediately some absurdity in his proposition: and in answering I
4312began by observing that in certain cases or circumstances his opinion
4313would be right, but in the present case there appear'd or seem'd to
4314me some difference, etc. I soon found the advantage of this change
4315in my manner; the conversations I engag'd in went on more
4316pleasantly. The modest way in which I propos'd my opinions procur'd
4317them a readier reception and less contradiction; I had less
4318mortification when I was found to be in the wrong, and I more easily
4319prevaile'd with others to give up their mistakes and join with me
4320when I happened to be in the right.
4321"And this mode, which I at first put on with some violence to natural
4322inclination, became at length so easy, and so habitual to me, that
4323perhaps for these fifty years past no one has ever heard a
4324dogmatical expression escape me. And to this habit (after my 
4325character of integrity) I think it principally owing that I had earned so
4326much weight with my fellow citizens when I proposed new
4327institutions, or alterations in the old, and so much influence in public
4328councils when I became a member; for I was but a bad speaker,
4329never eloquent, subject to much hesitation in my choice of words,
4330hardly correct in language, and yet I generally carried my points."
4331How do Ben Franklin's methods work in business? Let's take two
4332examples.
4333Katherine A, Allred of Kings Mountain, North Carolina, is an industrial
4334engineering supervisor for a yarn-processing plant. She told one of
4335our classes how she handled a sensitive problem before and after
4336taking our training:
4337"Part of my responsibility," she reported, "deals with setting up and
4338maintaining incentive systems and standards for our operators so
4339they can make more money by producing more yarn. The system we
4340were using had worked fine when we had only two or three different
4341types of yarn, but recently we had expanded our inventory and
4342capabilities to enable us to run more than twelve different varieties.
4343The present system was no longer adequate to pay the operators
4344fairly for the work being performed and give them an incentive to
4345increase production. I had worked up a new system which would
4346enable us to pay the operator by the class of yam she was running at
4347any one particular time. With my new system in hand, I entered the
4348meeting determined to prove to the management that my system
4349was the right approach. I told them in detail how they were wrong
4350and showed where they were being unfair and how I had all the
4351answers they needed. To say the least, I failed miserably! I had
4352become so busy defending my position on the new system that I had
4353left them no opening to graciously admit their problems on the old
4354one. The issue was dead.
4355"After several sessions of this course, I realized all too well where I
4356had made my mistakes. I called another meeting and this time I
4357asked where they felt their problems were. We discussed each point,
4358and I asked them their opinions on which was the best way to
4359proceed. With a few low-keyed suggestions, at proper intervals, I let
4360them develop my system themselves. At the end of the meeting
4361when I actually presented my system, they enthusiastically accepted
4362it.
4363"I am convinced now that nothing good is accomplished and a lot of
4364damage can be done if you tell a person straight out that he or she is
4365wrong. You only succeed in stripping that person of self-dignity and
4366making yourself an unwelcome part of any discussion."
4367Let's take another example - and remember these cases I am citing
4368are typical of the experiences of thousands of other people. R. V. 
4369Crowley was a salesman for a lumber company in New York. Crowley
4370admitted that he had been telling hard-boiled lumber inspectors for
4371years that they were wrong. And he had won the arguments too. But
4372it hadn't done any good. "For these lumber inspectors," said Mr.
4373Crowley, "are like baseball umpires. Once they make a decision, they
4374never change it,"
4375Mr. Crowley saw that his firm was losing thousands of dollars
4376through the arguments he won. So while taking my course, he
4377resolved to change tactics and abandon arguments. With what
4378results? Here is the story as he told it to the fellow members of his
4379class:
4380"One morning the phone rang in my office. A hot and bothered
4381person at the other end proceeded to inform me that a car of lumber
4382we had shipped into his plant was entirely unsatisfactory. His firm
4383had stopped unloading and requested that we make immediate
4384arrangements to remove the stock from their yard. After about onefourth
4385of the car had been unloaded, their lumber inspector reported
4386that the lumber was running 55 percent below grade. Under the
4387circumstances, they refused to accept it.
4388"I immediately started for his plant and on the way turned over in
4389my mind the best way to handle the situation. Ordinarily, under such
4390circumstances, I should have quoted grading rules and tried, as a
4391result of my own experience and knowledge as a lumber inspector,
4392to convince the other inspector that the lumber was actually up to
4393grade, and that he was misinterpreting the rules in his inspection.
4394However, I thought I would apply the principles learned in this
4395training.
4396"When I arrived at the plant, I found the purchasing agent and the
4397lumber inspector in a wicked humor, both set for an argument and a
4398fight. We walked out to the car that was being unloaded, and I
4399requested that they continue to unload so that I could see how
4400things were going. I asked the inspector to go right ahead and lay
4401out the rejects, as he had been doing, and to put the good pieces in
4402another pile.
4403"After watching him for a while it began to dawn on me that his
4404inspection actually was much too strict and that he was
4405misinterpreting the rules. This particular lumber was white pine, and
4406I knew the inspector was
4407thoroughly schooled in hard woods but not a competent,
4408experienced inspector on white pine. White pine happened to be my
4409own strong suit, but did I offer any objection to the way he was
4410grading the lumber? None whatever. I kept on watching and
4411gradually began to ask questions as to why certain pieces were not
4412satisfactory. I didn't for one instant insinuate that the inspector was 
4413wrong. I emphasized that my only reason for asking was in order
4414that we could give his firm exactly what they wanted in future
4415shipments. wanted in future shipments.
4416"By asking questions in a very friendly, cooperative spirit, and
4417insisting continually that they were right in laying out boards not
4418satisfactory to their purpose, I got him warmed up, and the strained
4419relations between us began to thaw and melt away. An occasional
4420carefully put remark on my part gave birth to the idea in his mind
4421that possibly some of these rejected pieces were actually within the
4422grade that they had bought, and that their requirements demanded
4423a more expensive grade. I was very careful, however, not to let him
4424think I was making an issue of this point.
4425"Gradually his whole attitude changed. He finally admitted to me that
4426he was not experienced on white pine and began to ask me
4427questions about each piece as it came out of the car, I would explain
4428why such a piece came within the grade specified, but kept on
4429insisting that we did not want him to take it if it was unsuitable for
4430their purpose. He finally got to the point where he felt guilty every
4431time he put a piece in the rejected pile. And at last he saw that the
4432mistake was on their part for not having specified as good a grade as
4433they needed.
4434"The ultimate outcome was that he went through the entire carload
4435again after I left, accepted the whole lot, and we received a check in
4436full.
4437"In that one instance alone, a little tact, and the determination to
4438refrain from telling the other man he was wrong, saved my company
4439a substantial amount of cash, and it would be hard to place a money
4440value on the good will that was saved."
4441Martin Luther King was asked how, as a pacifist, he could be an
4442admirer of Air Force General Daniel "Chappie" James, then the
4443nation's highest-ranking black officer. Dr. King replied, "I judge
4444people by their own principles - not by my own."
4445In a similar way, General Robert E. Lee once spoke to the president
4446of the Confederacy, Jefferson Davis, in the most glowing terms about
4447a certain officer under his command. Another officer in attendance
4448was astonished. "General," he said, " do you not know that the man
4449of whom you speak so highly is one of your bitterest enemies who
4450misses no opportunity to malign you?" "Yes," replied General Lee,
4451"but the president asked my opinion of him; he did not ask for his
4452opinion of me."
4453By the way, I am not revealing anything new in this chapter. Two
4454thousand years ago, Jesus said: "Agree with thine adversary
4455quickly." 
4456And 2,200 years before Christ was born, King Akhtoi of Egypt gave
4457his son some shrewd advice - advice that is sorely needed today. "Be
4458diplomatic," counseled the King. "It will help you gain your point."
4459In other words, don't argue with your customer or your spouse or
4460your adversary. Don't tell them they are wrong, don't get them
4461stirred up. Use a little diplomacy.
4462• Principle 2 - Show respect for the other person's opinions. Never
4463say, "You're wrong."
4464~~~~~~~
44653 - If You're Wrong, Admit It
4466Within a minute's walk of my house there was a wild stretch of virgin
4467timber, where the blackberry thickets foamed white in the
4468springtime, where the squirrels nested and reared their young, and
4469the horseweeds grew as tall as a horse's head. This unspoiled
4470woodland was called Forest Park - and it was a forest, probably not
4471much different in appearance from what it was when Columbus
4472discovered America. I frequently walked in this park with Rex, my
4473little Boston bulldog. He was a friendly, harmless little hound; and
4474since we rarely met anyone in the park, I took Rex along without a
4475leash or a muzzle.
4476One day we encountered a mounted policeman in the park, a
4477policeman itching to show his authority.
4478"'What do you mean by letting that dog run loose in the park without
4479a muzzle and leash?" he reprimanded me. "Don't you know it's
4480against the law?"
4481"Yes, I know it is," I replied softy, "but I didn't think he would do any
4482harm out here."
4483"You didn't think! You didn't think! The law doesn't give a tinker's
4484damn about what you think. That dog might kill a squirrel or bite a
4485child. Now, I'm going to let you off this time; but if I catch this dog
4486out here again without a muzzle and a leash, you'll have to tell it to
4487the judge ."
4488I meekly promised to obey.
4489And I did obey - for a few times. But Rex didn't like the muzzle, and
4490neither did I; so we decided to take a chance. Everything was lovely
4491for a while, and then we struck a snag. Rex and I raced over the
4492brow of a hill one afternoon and there, suddenly - to my dismay - I 
4493saw the majesty of the law, astride a bay horse. Rex was out in
4494front, heading straight for the officer.
4495I was in for it. I knew it. So I didn't wait until the policeman started
4496talking. I beat him to it. I said: "Officer, you've caught me redhanded.
4497I'm guilty. I have no alibis, no excuses. You warned me last
4498week that if I brought the dog out here again without a muzzle you
4499would fine me."
4500"Well, now," the policeman responded in a soft tone. "I know it's a
4501temptation to let a little dog like that have a run out here when
4502nobody is around."
4503"Sure it's a temptation," I replied, "but it is against the law."
4504"Well, a little dog like that isn't going to harm anybody," the
4505policeman remonstrated.
4506"No, but he may kill squirrels," I said.
4507"Well now, I think you are taking this a bit too seriously," he told me.
4508"I'll tell you what you do. You just let him run over the hill there
4509where I can't see him - and we'll forget all about it."
4510That policeman, being human, wanted a feeling of importance; so
4511when I began to condemn myself, the only way he could nourish his
4512self-esteem was to take the magnanimous attitude of showing
4513mercy.
4514But suppose I had tried to defend myself - well, did you ever argue
4515with a policeman?
4516But instead of breaking lances with him, I admitted that he was
4517absolutely right and I was absolutely wrong; I admitted it quickly,
4518openly, and with enthusiasm. The affair terminated graciously in my
4519taking his side and his taking my side. Lord Chesterfield himself
4520could hardly have been more gracious than this mounted policeman,
4521who, only a week previously, had threatened to have the law on me.
4522If we know we are going to be rebuked anyhow, isn't it far better to
4523beat the other person to it and do it ourselves? Isn't it much easier
4524to listen to self-criticism than to bear condemnation from alien lips?
4525Say about yourself all the derogatory things you know the other
4526person is thinking or wants to say or intends to say - and say them
4527before that person has a chance to say them. The chances are a
4528hundred to one that a generous, forgiving attitude will be taken and
4529your mistakes will be minimized just as the mounted policeman did
4530with me and Rex. 
4531Ferdinand E. Warren, a commercial artist, used this technique to win
4532the good will of a petulant, scolding buyer of art.
4533"It is important, in making drawings for advertising and publishing
4534purposes, to be precise and very exact," Mr. Warren said as he told
4535the story.
4536"Some art editors demand that their commissions be executed
4537immediately; and in these cases, some slight error is liable to occur. I
4538knew one art director in particular who was always delighted to find
4539fault with some little thing. I have often left his office in disgust, not
4540because of the criticism, but because of his method of attack.
4541Recently I delivered a rush job to this editor, and he phoned me to
4542call at his office immediately. He said something was wrong. When I
4543arrived, I found just what I had anticipated - and dreaded. He was
4544hostile, gloating over his chance to criticize. He demanded with heat
4545why I had done so and so. My opportunity had come to apply the
4546self-criticism I had been studying about. So I said: ''Mr. So-and-so, if
4547what you say is true, I am at fault and there is absolutely no excuse
4548for my blunder. I have been doing drawings for you long enough to
4549know bet-ter. I'm ashamed of myself.'
4550"Immediately he started to defend me. 'Yes, you're right, but after
4551all, this isn't a serious mistake. It is only -'
4552"I interrupted him. 'Any mistake,' I said, 'may be costly and they are
4553all irritating.'
4554"He started to break in, but I wouldn't let him. I was having a grand
4555time. For the first time in my life, I was criticizing myself - and I
4556loved it.
4557" 'I should have been more careful,' I continued. 'You give me a lot
4558of work, and you deserve the best; so I'm going to do this drawing
4559all over.'
4560" 'No! No!' he protested. 'I wouldn't think of putting you to all that
4561trouble.' He praised my work, assured me that he wanted only a
4562minor change and that my slight error hadn't cost his firm any
4563money; and, after all, it was a mere detail - not worth worrying
4564about.
4565"My eagerness to criticize myself took all the fight out of him. He
4566ended up by taking me to lunch; and before we parted, he gave me
4567a check and another commission"
4568There is a certain degree of satisfaction in having the courage to
4569admit one's errors. It not only clears the air of guilt and
4570defensiveness, but often helps solve the problem created by the
4571error. 
4572Bruce Harvey of Albuquerque, New Mexico, had incorrectly
4573authorized payment of full wages to an employee on sick leave.
4574When he discovered his error, he brought it to the attention of the
4575employee and explained that to correct the mistake he would have to
4576reduce his next paycheck by the entire amount of the overpayment.
4577The employee pleaded that as that would cause him a serious
4578financial problem, could the money be repaid over a period of time?
4579In order to do this, Harvey explained, he would have to obtain his
4580supervisor's approval. "And this I knew," reported Harvey, "would
4581result in a boss-type explosion, While trying to decide how to handle
4582this situation better, I realized that the whole mess was my fault and
4583I would have to admit I it to my boss.
4584"I walked into his office, told him that I had made a mistake and
4585then informed him of the complete facts. He replied in an explosive
4586manner that it was the fault of the personnel department. I repeated
4587that it was my fault. He exploded again about carelessness in the
4588accounting department. Again I explained it was my fault. He blamed
4589two other people in the office. But each time I reiterated it was my
4590fault. Finally, he looked at me and said, 'Okay, it was your fault. Now
4591straighten it out.' The error was corrected and nobody got into
4592trouble. I felt great because I was able to handle a tense situation
4593and had the courage not to seek alibis. My boss has had more
4594respect for me ever since."
4595Any fool can try to defend his or her mistakes - and most fools do -
4596but it raises one above the herd and gives one a feeling of nobility
4597and exultation to admit one's mistakes. For example, one of the most
4598beautiful things that history records about Robert E. Lee is the way
4599he blamed himself and only himself for the failure of Pickett's charge
4600at Gettysburg.
4601Pickett's charge was undoubtedly the most brilliant and picturesque
4602attack that ever occurred in the Western world. General George E.
4603Pickett himself was picturesque. He wore his hair so long that his
4604auburn locks almost touched his shoulders; and, like Napoleon in his
4605Italian campaigns, he wrote ardent love-letters almost daily while on
4606the battlefield. His devoted troops cheered him that tragic July
4607afternoon as he rode off jauntily toward the Union lines, his cap set
4608at a rakish angle over his right ear. They cheered and they followed
4609him, man touching man, rank pressing rank, with banners flying and
4610bayonets gleaming in the sun. It was a gallant sight. Daring.
4611Magnificent. A murmur of admiration ran through the Union lines as
4612they beheld it.
4613Pickett's troops swept forward at any easy trot, through orchard and
4614cornfield, across a meadow and over a ravine. All the time, the
4615enemy's cannon was tearing ghastly holes in their ranks, But on they
4616pressed, grim, irresistible. 
4617Suddenly the Union infantry rose from behind the stone wall on
4618Cemetery Ridge where they had been hiding and fired volley after
4619volley into Pickett's onrushing troops. The crest of the hill was a
4620sheet of flame, a slaughterhouse, a blazing volcano. In a few
4621minutes, all of Pickett's brigade commanders except one were down,
4622and four-fifths of his five thousand men had fallen.
4623General Lewis A. Armistead, leading the troops in the final plunge,
4624ran forward, vaulted over the stone wall, and, waving his cap on the
4625top of his sword, shouted: "Give 'em the steel, boys!"
4626They did. They leaped over the wall, bayoneted their enemies,
4627smashed skulls with clubbed muskets, and planted the battleflags of
4628the South on Cemetery Ridge. The banners waved there only for a
4629moment. But that moment, brief as it was, recorded the high-water
4630mark of the Confederacy.
4631Pickett's charge - brilliant, heroic - was nevertheless the beginning of
4632the end. Lee had failed. He could not penetrate the North. And he
4633knew it.
4634The South was doomed.
4635Lee was so saddened, so shocked, that he sent in his resignation and
4636asked Jefferson Davis, the president of the Confederacy, to appoint
4637"a younger and abler man." If Lee had wanted to blame the
4638disastrous failure of Pickett's charge on someone else, he could have
4639found a score of alibis. Some of his division commanders had failed
4640him. The cavalry hadn't arrived in time to support the infantry attack.
4641This had gone wrong and that had gone awry.
4642But Lee was far too noble to blame others. As Pickett's beaten and
4643bloody troops struggled back to the Confederate lines, Robert E. Lee
4644rode out to meet them all alone and greeted them with a selfcondemnation
4645that was little short of sublime. "All this has been my
4646fault," he confessed. "I and I alone have lost this battle."
4647Few generals in all history have had the courage and character to
4648admit that.
4649Michael Cheung, who teaches our course in Hong Kong, told of how
4650the Chinese culture presents some special problems and how
4651sometimes it is necessary to recognize that the benefit of applying a
4652principle may be more advantageous than maintaining an old
4653tradition. He had one middle-aged class member who had been
4654estranged from his son for many years. The father had been an
4655opium addict, but was now cured. In Chinese tradition an older
4656person cannot take the first step. The father felt that it was up to his
4657son to take the initiative toward a reconciliation. In an early session, 
4658he told the class about the grandchildren he had never seen and how
4659much he desired to be reunited with his son. His classmates, all
4660Chinese, understood his conflict between his desire and longestablished
4661tradition. The father felt that young people should have
4662respect for their elders and that he was right in not giving in to his
4663desire, but to wait for his son to come to him.
4664Toward the end of the course the father again addressed his class. "I
4665have pondered this problem," he said. "Dale Carnegie says, 'If you
4666are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.' It is too late for me to
4667admit it quickly, but I can admit it emphatically. I wronged my son.
4668He was right in not wanting to see me and to expel me from his life.
4669I may lose face by asking a younger person's forgiveness, but I was
4670at fault and it is my responsibility to admit this." The class applauded
4671and gave him their full support. At the next class he told how he
4672went to his son's house, asked for and received forgiveness and was
4673now embarked on a new relationship with his son, his daughter-inlaw
4674and the grandchildren he had at last met.
4675Elbert Hubbard was one of the most original authors who ever stirred
4676up a nation, and his stinging sentences often aroused fierce
4677resentment. But Hubbard with his rare skill for handling people
4678frequently turned his enemies into friends.
4679For example, when some irritated reader wrote in to say that he
4680didn't agree with such and such an article and ended by calling
4681Hubbard this and that, Elbert Hubbard would answer like this:
4682Come to think it over, I don't entirely agree with it myself. Not
4683everything I wrote yesterday appeals to me today. I am glad to learn
4684what you think on the subject. The next time you are in the
4685neighborhood you must visit us and we'll get this subject threshed
4686out for all time. So here is a handclasp over the miles, and I am,
4687Yours sincerely,
4688What could you say to a man who treated you like that?
4689When we are right, let's try to win people gently and tactfully to our
4690way of thinking, and when we are wrong - and that will be
4691surprisingly often, if we are honest with ourselves - let's admit our
4692mistakes quickly and with enthusiasm. Not only will that technique
4693produce astonishing results; but, believe it or not, it is a lot more
4694fun, under the circumstances, than trying to defend oneself.
4695Remember the old proverb: "By fighting you never get enough, but
4696by yielding you get more than you expected."
4697• Principle 3 - If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically. 
4698~~~~~~~
46994 - A Drop Of Honey
4700If your temper is aroused and you tell 'em a thing or two, you will
4701have a fine time unloading your feelings. But what about the other
4702person? Will he share your pleasure? Will your belligerent tones, your
4703hostile attitude, make it easy for him to agree with you?
4704"If you come at me with your fists doubled," said Woodrow Wilson,
4705"I think I can promise you that mine will double as fast as yours; but
4706if you come to me and say, 'Let us sit down and take counsel
4707together, and, if we differ from each other, understand why it is that
4708we differ, just what the points at issue are,' we will presently find
4709that we are not so far apart after all, that the points on which we
4710differ are few and the points on which we agree are many, and that
4711if we only have the patience and the candor and the desire to get
4712together, we will get together."
4713Nobody appreciated the truth of Woodrow Wilson's statement more
4714than John D. Rockefeller, Jr. Back in 1915, Rockefeller was the most
4715fiercely despised man in Colorado, One of the bloodiest strikes in the
4716history of American industry had been shocking the state for two
4717terrible years. Irate, belligerent miners were demanding higher
4718wages from the Colorado Fuel and Iron Company; Rockefeller
4719controlled that company. Property had been destroyed, troops had
4720been called out. Blood had been shed. Strikers had been shot, their
4721bodies riddled with bullets.
4722At a time like that, with the air seething with hatred, Rockefeller
4723wanted to win the strikers to his way of thinking. And he did it. How?
4724Here's the story. After weeks spent in making friends, Rockefeller
4725addressed the representatives of the strikers. This speech, in its
4726entirety, is a masterpiece. It produced astonishing results. It calmed
4727the tempestuous waves of hate that threatened to engulf
4728Rockefeller. It won him a host of admirers. It presented facts in such
4729a friendly manner that the strikers went back to work without saying
4730another word about the increase in wages for which they had fought
4731so violently.
4732The opening of that remarkable speech follows. Note how it fairly
4733glows with friendliness. Rockefeller, remember, was talking to men
4734who, a few days previously, had wanted to hang him by the neck to
4735a sour apple tree; yet he couldn't have been more gracious, more
4736friendly if he had addressed a group of medical missionaries. His
4737speech was radiant with such phrases as I am proud to be here,
4738having visited in your homes, met many of your wives and children,
4739we meet here not as strangers, but as friends ... spirit of mutual
4740friendship, our common interests, it is only by your courtesy that I
4741am here. 
4742"This is a red-letter day in my life," Rockefeller began. "It is the first
4743time I have ever had the good fortune to meet the representatives of
4744the employees of this great company, its officers and
4745superintendents, together, and I can assure you that I am proud to
4746be here, and that I shall remember this gathering as long as I live.
4747Had this meeting been held two weeks ago, I should have stood here
4748a stranger to most of you, recognizing a few faces. Having had the
4749opportunity last week of visiting all the camps in the southern coal
4750field and of talking individually with practically all of the
4751representatives, except those who were away; having visited in your
4752homes, met many of your wives and children, we meet here not as
4753strangers, but as friends, and it is in that spirit of mutual friendship
4754that I am glad to have this opportunity to discuss with you our
4755common interests.
4756"Since this is a meeting of the officers of the company and the
4757representatives of the employees, it is only by your courtesy that I
4758am here, for I am not so fortunate as to be either one or the other;
4759and yet I feel that I am intimately associated with you men, for, in a
4760sense, I represent both the stockholders and the directors."
4761Isn't that a superb example of the fine art of making friends out of
4762enemies?
4763Suppose Rockefeller had taken a different tack. Suppose he had
4764argued with those miners and hurled devastating facts in their faces.
4765Suppose he had told them by his tones and insinuations that they
4766were wrong Suppose that, by all the rules of logic, he had proved
4767that they were wrong. What would have happened? More anger
4768would have been stirred up, more hatred, more revolt.
4769If a man's heart is rankling with discord and ill feeling toward you,
4770you can't win him to your way of thinking with all the logic in
4771Christendom. Scolding parents and domineering bosses and
4772husbands and nagging wives ought to realize that people don't want
4773to change their minds. They can't he forced or driven to agree with
4774you or me. But they may possibly be led to, if we are gentle and
4775friendly, ever so gentle and ever so friendly.
4776Lincoln said that, in effect, over a hundred years ago. Here are his
4777words:
4778It is an old and true maxim that "a drop of honey catches more flies
4779than a gallon of gall." So with men, if you would win a man to you
4780cause, first convince him that you are his sincere friend. Therein is a
4781drop of honey that catches his heart; which, say what you will, is the
4782great high road to his reason. 
4783Business executives have learned that it pays to be friendly to
4784strikers. For example, when 2,500 employees in the White Motor
4785Company's plant struck for higher wages and a union shop, Robert F.
4786Black, then president of the company, didn't lose his temper and
4787condemn and threaten and talk of tryanny and Communists. He
4788actually praised the strikers. He published an advertisement in the
4789Cleveland papers, complimenting them on "the peaceful way in
4790which they laid down their tools." Finding the strike pickets idle, he
4791bought them a couple of dozen baseball bats and gloves and invited
4792them to play ball on vacant lots. For those who preferred bowling, he
4793rented a bowling alley.
4794This friendliness on Mr. Black's part did what friendliness always
4795does: it begot friendliness. So the strikers borrowed brooms, shovels,
4796and rubbish carts, and began picking up matches, papers, cigarette
4797stubs, and cigar butts around the factory. Imagine it! Imagine
4798strikers tidying up the factory grounds while battling for higher
4799wages and recognition of the union. Such an event had never been
4800heard of before in the long, tempestuous history of American labor
4801wars. That strike ended with a compromise settlement within a
4802week-ended without any ill feeling or rancor.
4803Daniel Webster, who looked like a god and talked like Jehovah, was
4804one of the most successful advocates who ever pleaded a case; yet
4805he ushered in his most powerful arguments with such friendly
4806remarks as: "It will be for the jury to consider," "This may perhaps
4807be worth thinking of," " Here are some facts that I trust you will not
4808lose sight of," or "You, with your knowledge of human nature, will
4809easily see the significance of these facts." No bulldozing. No highpressure
4810methods. No attempt to force his opinions on others.
4811Webster used the soft-spoken, quiet, friendly approach, and it helped
4812to make him famous.
4813You may never be called upon to settle a strike or address a jury, but
4814you may want to get your rent reduced. Will the friendly approach
4815help you then? Let's see.
48160. L. Straub, an engineer, wanted to get his rent reduced. And he
4817knew his landlord was hard-boiled. "I wrote him," Mr. Straub said in
4818a speech before the class, "notifying him that I was vacating my
4819apartment as soon as my lease expired. The truth was, I didn't want
4820to move. I wanted to stay if I could get my rent reduced. But the
4821situation seemed hopeless. Other tenants had tried - and failed.
4822Everyone told me that the landlord was extremely difficult to deal
4823with. But I said to myself, 'I am studying a course in how to deal
4824with people, so I'll try it on him - and see how it works.'
4825"He and his secretary came to see me as soon as he got my letter. I
4826met him at the door with a friendly greeting. I fairly bubbled with
4827good will and enthusiasm. I didn't begin talking about how high the 
4828rent was. I began talking about how much I liked his apartment
4829house. Believe me, I was 'hearty in my approbation and lavish in my
4830praise.' I complimented him on the way he ran the building and told
4831him I should like so much to stay for another year but I couldn't
4832afford it.
4833"He had evidently never had such a reception from a tenant. He
4834hardly knew what to make of it.
4835"Then he started to tell me his troubles. Complaining tenants. One
4836had written him fourteen letters, some of them positively insulting.
4837Another threatened to break his lease unless the landlord kept the
4838man on the floor above from snoring. 'What a relief it is,' he said, 'to
4839have a satisfied tenant like you.' And then, without my even asking
4840him to do it, he offered to reduce my rent a little. I wanted more, so
4841I named the figure I could afford to pay, and he accepted without a
4842word.
4843"As he was leaving, he turned to me and asked, 'What decorating
4844can I do for you?'
4845"If I had tried to get the rent reduced by the methods the other
4846tenants were using, I am positive I should have met with the same
4847failure they encountered. It was the friendly, sympathetic,
4848appreciative approach that won."
4849Dean Woodcock of Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, is the superintendent of
4850a department of the local electric company. His staff was called upon
4851to repair some equipment on top of a pole. This type of work had
4852formerly been performed by a different department and had only
4853recently been transferred to Woodcock's section Although his people
4854had been trained in the work, this was the first time they had ever
4855actually been called upon to do it. Everybody in the organization was
4856interested in seeing if and how they could handle it. Mr. Woodcock,
4857several of his subordinate managers, and members of other
4858departments of the utility went to see the operation. Many cars and
4859trucks were there, and a number of people were standing around
4860watching the two lone men on top of the pole.
4861Glancing around, Woodcock noticed a man up the street getting out
4862of his car with a camera. He began taking pictures of the scene.
4863Utility people are extremely conscious of public relations, and
4864suddenly Woodcock realized what this setup looked like to the man
4865with the camera - overkill, dozens of people being called out to do a
4866two-person job. He strolled up the street to the photographer.
4867"I see you're interested in our operation."
4868"Yes, and my mother will be more than interested. She owns stock in
4869your company. This will be an eye-opener for her. She may even 
4870decide her investment was unwise. I've been telling her for years
4871there's a lot of waste motion in companies like yours. This proves it.
4872The newspapers might like these pictures, too."
4873"It does look like it, doesn't it? I'd think the same thing in your
4874position. But this is a unique situation, . . ." and Dean Woodcock
4875went on to explain how this was the first job of this type for his
4876department and how everybody from executives down was
4877interested. He assured the man that under normal conditions two
4878people could handle the job. The photographer put away his camera,
4879shook Woodcock's hand, and thanked him for taking the time to
4880explain the situation to him.
4881Dean Woodcock's friendly approach saved his company much
4882embarrassment and bad publicity.
4883Another member of one of our classes, Gerald H. Winn of Littleton,
4884New Hampshire, reported how by using a friendly approach, he
4885obtained a very satisfactory settlement on a damage claim.
4886"Early in the spring," he reported, "before the ground had thawed
4887from the winter freezing, there was an unusually heavy rainstorm
4888and the water, which normally would have run off to nearby ditches
4889and storm drains along the road, took a new course onto a building
4890lot where I had just built a new home.
4891"Not being able to run off, the water pressure built up around the
4892foundation of the house. The water forced itself under the concrete
4893basement floor, causing it to explode, and the basement filled with
4894water. This ruined the furnace and the hot-water heater. The cost to
4895repair this damage was in excess of two thousand dollars. I had no
4896insurance to cover this type of damage.
4897"However, I soon found out that the owner of the subdivision had
4898neglected to put in a storm drain near the house which could have
4899prevented this problem I made an appointment to see him. During
4900the twenty-five-mile trip to his office, I carefully reviewed the
4901situation and, remembering the principles I learned in this course, I
4902decided that showing my anger would not serve any worthwhile
4903purpose, When I arrived, I kept very calm and started by talking
4904about his recent vacation to the West Indies; then, when I felt the
4905timing was right, I mentioned the 'little' problem of water damage.
4906He quickly agreed to do his share in helping to correct the problem.
4907"A few days later he called and said he would pay for the damage
4908and also put in a storm drain to prevent the same thing from
4909happening in the future. 
4910"Even though it was the fault of the owner of the subdivision, if I had
4911not begun in a friendly way, there would have been a great deal of
4912difficulty in getting him to agree to the total liability."
4913Years ago, when I was a barefoot boy walking through the woods to
4914a country school out in northwest Missouri, I read a fable about the
4915sun and the wind. They quarreled about which was the stronger, and
4916the wind said, "I'll prove I am. See the old man down there with a
4917coat? I bet I can get his coat off him quicker than you can."
4918So the sun went behind a cloud, and the wind blew until it was
4919almost a tornado, but the harder it blew, the tighter the old man
4920clutched his coat to him.
4921Finally, the wind calmed down and gave up, and then the sun came
4922out from behind the clouds and smiled kindly on the old man.
4923Presently, he mopped his brow and pulled off his coat. The sun then
4924told the wind that gentleness and friendliness were always stronger
4925than fury and force.
4926The use of gentleness and friendliness is demonstrated day after day
4927by people who have learned that a drop of honey catches more flies
4928than a gallon of gall. F. Gale Connor of Lutherville, Maryland, proved
4929this when he had to take his four-month-old car to the service
4930department of the car dealer for the third time. He told our class: "It
4931was apparent that talking to, reasoning with or shouting at the
4932service manager was not going to lead to a satisfactory resolution of
4933my problems.
4934"I walked over to the showroom and asked to see the agency owner,
4935Mr. White. After a short wait, I was ushered into Mr. White's office. I
4936introduced myself and explained to him that I had bought my car
4937from his dealership because of the recommendations of friends who
4938had had previous dealings with him. I was told that his prices were
4939very competitive and his service was outstanding. He smiled with
4940satisfaction as he listened to me. I then explained the problem I was
4941having with the service department. 'I thought you might want to be
4942aware of any situation that might tarnish your fine reputation,' I
4943added. He thanked me for calling this to his attention and assured
4944me that my problem would be taken care of. Not only did he
4945personal get involved, but he also lent me his car to use while mine
4946was being repaired."
4947Aesop was a Greek slave who lived at the court of Croesus and spun
4948immortal fables six hundred years before Christ. Yet the truths he
4949taught about human nature are just as true in Boston and
4950Birmingham now as they were twenty-six centuries ago in Athens.
4951The sun can make you take off your coat more quickly than the
4952wind; and kindliness, the friendly approach and appreciation can 
4953make people change their minds more readily than all the bluster
4954and storming in the world.
4955Remember what Lincoln said: "A drop of honey catches more flies
4956than a gallon of gall."
4957• Principle 4 - Begin in a friendly way.
4958~~~~~~~
49595 - The Secret Of Socrates
4960In talking with people, don't begin by discussing the things on which
4961you differ. Begin by emphasizing - and keep on emphasizing - the
4962things on which you agree. Keep emphasizing, if possible, that you
4963are both striving for the same end and that your only difference is
4964one of method and not of purpose.
4965Get the other person saying "Yes, yes" at the outset. Keep your
4966opponent, if possible, from saying "No." A "No" response, according
4967to Professor Overstreet, (*) is a most difficult handicap to overcome.
4968When you have said "No," all your pride of personality demands that
4969you remain consistent with yourself. You may later feel that the "No"
4970was ill-advised; nevertheless, there is your precious pride to
4971consider! Once having said a thing, you feel you must stick to it.
4972Hence it is of the very greatest importance that a person be started
4973in the affirmative direction.
4974----
4975[*] Harry A. Overstreet, lnfluencing Humun Behavior (New York:
4976Norton, 1925).
4977----
4978The skillful speaker gets, at the outset, a number of "Yes" responses.
4979This sets the psychological process of the listeners moving in the
4980affirmative direction. It is like the movement of a billiard ball. Propel
4981in one direction, and it takes some force to deflect it; far more force
4982to send it back in the opposite direction.
4983The psychological patterns here are quite clear. When a person says
4984"No" and really means it, he or she is doing far more than saying a
4985word of two letters. The entire organism - glandular, nervous,
4986muscular -gathers itself together into a condition of rejection. There
4987is, usually in minute but sometimes in observable degree, a physical
4988withdrawal or readiness for withdrawal. The whole neuromuscular
4989system, in short, sets itself on guard against acceptance. When, to
4990the contrary, a person says "Yes," none of the withdrawal activities
4991takes place. The organism is in a forward - moving, accepting, open 
4992attitude. Hence the more "Yeses" we can, at the very outset, induce,
4993the more likely we are to succeed in capturing the attention for our
4994ultimate proposal.
4995It is a very simple technique - this yes response. And yet, how much
4996it is neglected! It often seems as if people get a sense of their own
4997importance by antagonizing others at the outset.
4998Get a student to say "No" at the beginning, or a customer, child,
4999husband, or wife, and it takes the wisdom and the patience of angels
5000to transform that bristling negative into an affirmative.
5001The use of this "yes, yes" technique enabled James Eberson, who
5002was a teller in the Greenwich Savings Bank, in New York City, to
5003secure a prospective customer who might otherwise have been lost.
5004"This man came in to open an account," said Mr. Eberson, "and I
5005gave him our usual form to fill out. Some of the questions he
5006answered willingly, but there were others he flatly refused to answer.
5007"Before I began the study of human relations, I would have told this
5008prospective depositor that if he refused to give the bank this
5009information, we should have to refuse to accept this account. I am
5010ashamed that I have been guilty of doing that very thing in the past.
5011Naturally, an ultimatum like that made me feel good. I had shown
5012who was boss, that the bank's rules and regulations couldn't be
5013flouted. But that sort of attitude certainly didn't give a feeling of
5014welcome and importance to the man who had walked in to give us
5015his patronage.
5016"I resolved this morning to use a little horse sense. I resolved not to
5017talk about what the bank wanted but about what the customer
5018wanted. And above all else, I was determined to get him saying 'yes,
5019yes' from the very start. So I agreed with him. I told him the
5020information he refused to give was not absolutely necessary.
5021" 'However,' I said, 'suppose you have money in this bank at your
5022death. Wouldn't you like to have the bank transfer it to your next of
5023kin, who is entitled to it according to law?'
5024" 'Yes, of course,' he replied.
5025" 'Don't you think,' I continued, 'that it would be a good idea to give
5026us the name of your next of kin so that, in the event of your death,
5027we could carry out your wishes without error or delay?'
5028"Again he said, 'Yes.'
5029"The young man's attitude softened and changed when he realized
5030that we weren't asking for this information for our sake but for his 
5031sake. Before leaving the bank, this young man not only gave me
5032complete information about himself but he opened, at my
5033suggestion, a trust account, naming his mother as the beneficiary for
5034his account, and he had gladly answered all the questions concerning
5035his mother also.
5036"I found that by getting him to say 'yes, yes' from the outset, he
5037forgot the issue at stake and was happy to do all the things I
5038suggested."
5039Joseph Allison, a sales representative for Westinghouse Electric
5040Company, had this story to tell: "There was a man in my territory
5041that our company was most eager to sell to. My predecessor had
5042called on him for ten years without selling anything When I took over
5043the territory, I called steadily for three years without getting an
5044order. Finally, after thirteen years of calls and sales talk, we sold him
5045a few motors. If these proved to be all right, an order for several
5046hundred more would follow. Such was my expectation,
5047"Right? I knew they would be all right. So when I called three weeks
5048later, I was in high spirits.
5049"The chief engineer greeted me with this shocking announcement:
5050'Allison, I can't buy the remainder of the motors from you.'
5051" 'Why?' I asked in amazement. 'Why?'
5052" 'Because your motors are too hot. I can't put my hand on them,'
5053"I knew it wouldn't do any good to argue. I had tried that sort of
5054thing too long. So I thought of getting the 'yes, yes' response.
5055" 'Well, now look, Mr. Smith,' I said. 'I agree with you a hundred
5056percent; if those motors are running too hot, you ought not to buy
5057any more of them. You must have motors that won't run any hotter
5058than standards set by the National Electrical Manufacturers
5059Association. Isn't that so?'
5060"He agreed it was. I had gotten my first 'yes.'
5061" 'The Electrical Manufacturers Association regulations say that a
5062properly designed motor may have a temperature of 72 degrees
5063Fahrenheit above room temperature. Is that correct?'
5064" 'Yes,' he agreed. 'That's quite correct. But your motors are much
5065hotter.'
5066"I didn't argue with him. I merely asked: 'How hot is the mill room?'
5067" 'Oh,' he said, 'about 75 degrees Fahrenheit.' 
5068" 'Well,' I replied, 'if the mill room is 75 degrees and you add 72 to
5069that, that makes a total of 147 degrees Fahrenheit. Wouldn't you
5070scald your hand if you held it under a spigot of hot water at a
5071temperature of 147 degrees Fahrenheit?'
5072"Again he had to say 'yes.'
5073" 'Well,' I suggested, 'wouldn't it he a good idea to keep your hands
5074off those motors?'
5075" 'Well, I guess you're right,' he admitted. We continued to chat for a
5076while. Then he called his secretary and lined up approximately
5077$35,000 worth of business for the ensuing month.
5078"It took me years and cost me countless thousands of dollars in lost
5079business before I finally learned that it doesn't pay to argue, that it is
5080much more profitable and much more interesting to look at things
5081from the other person's viewpoint and try to get that person saying
5082'yes, yes.' "
5083Eddie Snow, who sponsors our courses in Oakland, California, tells
5084how he became a good customer of a shop because the proprietor
5085got him to say "yes, yes." Eddie had become interested in bow
5086hunting and had spent considerable money in purchasing equipment
5087and supplies from a local bow store. When his brother was visiting
5088him he wanted to rent a bow for him from this store. The sales clerk
5089told him they didn't rent bows, so Eddie phoned another bow store.
5090Eddie described what happened:
5091"A very pleasant gentleman answered the phone. His response to my
5092question for a rental was completely different from the other place.
5093He said he was sorry but they no longer rented bows because they
5094couldn't afford to do so. He then asked me if I had rented before. I
5095replied, 'Yes, several years ago.' He reminded me that I probably
5096paid $25 to $30 for the rental. I said 'yes' again. He then asked if I
5097was the kind of person who liked to save money. Naturally, I
5098answered 'yes.' He went on to explain that they had bow sets with all
5099the necessary equipment on sale for $34.95. I could buy a complete
5100set for only $4.95 more than I could rent one. He explained that is
5101why they had discontinued renting them. Did I think that was
5102reasonable? My 'yes' response led to a purchase of the set, and
5103when I picked it up I purchased several more items at this shop and
5104have since become a regular customer."
5105Socrates, "the gadfly of Athens," was one of the greatest
5106philosophers the world has ever known. He did something that only a
5107handful of men in all history have been able to do: he sharply
5108changed the whole course of human thought; and now, twenty-four 
5109centuries after his death, he is honored as one of the wisest
5110persuaders who ever influenced this wrangling world.
5111His method? Did he tell people they were wrong? Oh, no, not
5112Socrates. He was far too adroit for that. His whole technique, now
5113called the "Socratic method," was based upon getting a "yes, yes"
5114response. He asked questions with which his opponent would have
5115to agree. He kept on winning one admission after another until he
5116had an armful of yeses. He kept on asking questions until finally,
5117almost without realizing it, his opponents found themselves
5118embracing a conclusion they would have bitterly denied a few
5119minutes previously.
5120The next time we are tempted to tell someone he or she is wrong,
5121let's remember old Socrates and ask a gentle question - a question
5122that will get the "yes, yes" response.
5123The Chinese have a proverb pregnant with the age-old wisdom of
5124the Orient: "He who treads softly goes far."
5125They have spent five thousand years studying human nature, those
5126cultured Chinese, and they have garnered a lot of perspicacity: "He
5127who treads softly goes far."
5128• Principle 5 - Get the other person saying "yes, yes" immediately.
5129~~~~~~~
51306 - The Safety Valve In Handling Complaints
5131Must people trying to win others to their way of thinking do too
5132much talking themselves. Let the other people talk themselves out.
5133They know more about their business and problems than you do. So
5134ask them questions. Let them tell you a few things.
5135If you disagree with them you may be tempted to interrupt. But
5136don't. It is dangerous. They won't pay attention to you while they
5137still have a lot of ideas of their own crying for expression. So listen
5138patiently and with an open mind. Be sincere about it. Encourage
5139them to express their ideas fully.
5140Does this policy pay in business? Let's see. Here is the story of a
5141sales representative who was forced to try it.
5142One of the largest automobile manufacturers in the United States
5143was negotiating for a year's requirements of upholstery fabrics.
5144Three important manufacturers had worked up fabrics in sample
5145bodies. These had all been inspected by the executives of the motor
5146company, and notice had been sent to each manufacturer saying 
5147that, on a certain day, a representative from each supplier would be
5148given an opportunity to make a final plea for the contract.
5149G.B.R., a representative of one manufacturer, arrived in town with a
5150severe attack of laryngitis. "When it came my turn to meet the
5151executives in conference," Mr. R---- said as he related the story
5152before one of my classes, "I had lost my voice. I could hardly
5153whisper. I was ushered into a room and found myself face to face
5154with the textile engineer, the purchasing agent, the director of sales
5155and the president of the company. I stood up and made a valiant
5156effort to speak, but I couldn't do anything more than squeak.
5157"They were all seated around a table, so I wrote on a pad of paper:
5158'Gentlemen, I have lost my voice. I am speechless.'
5159" 'I'll do the talking for you,' the president said. He did. He exhibited
5160my samples and praised their good points. A lively discussion arose
5161about the merits of my goods. And the president, since he was
5162talking for me, took the position I would have had during the
5163discussion My sole participation consisted of smiles, nods and a few
5164gestures.
5165"As a result of this unique conference, I was awarded the contract,
5166which called for over half a million yards of upholstery fabrics at an
5167aggregate value of $1,600,000 -the biggest order I had ever
5168received.
5169"I know I would have lost the contract if I hadn't lost my voice,
5170because I had the wrong idea about the whole proposition. I
5171discovered, quite by accident, how richly it sometimes pays to let the
5172other person do the talking.'
5173Letting the other person do the talking helps in family situations as
5174well as in business. Barbara Wilson's relationship with her daughter,
5175Laurie, was deteriorating rapidly. Laurie, who had been a quiet,
5176complacent child, had grown into an uncooperative, sometimes
5177belligerent teenager. Mrs. Wilson lectured her, threatened her and
5178punished her, but all to no avail.
5179"One day," Mrs. Wilson told one of our classes, "I just gave up.
5180Laurie had disobeyed me and had left the house to visit her girl
5181friend before she had completed her chores. When she returned I
5182was about to scream at her for the ten-thousandth time, but I just
5183didn't have the strength to do it. I just looked at her and said sadly,
5184'Why, Laurie, Why?'
5185"Laurie noted my condition and in a calm voice asked, 'Do you really
5186want to know?' I nodded and Laurie told me, first hesitantly, and
5187then it all flowed out. I had never listened to her. I was always
5188telling her to do this or that. When she wanted to tell me her 
5189thoughts, feelings, ideas, I interrupted with more orders. I began to
5190realize that she needed me - not as a bossy mother, but as a
5191confidante, an outlet for all her confusion about growing up. And all I
5192had been doing was talking when I should have been listening. I
5193never heard her.
5194"From that time on I let her do all the talking she wanted. She tells
5195me what is on her mind, and our relationship has improved
5196immeasurably. She is again a cooperative person."
5197A large advertisement appeared on the financial page of a New York
5198newspaper calling for a person with unusual ability and experience.
5199Charles T. Cubellis answered the advertisement, sending his reply to
5200a box number. A few days later, he was invited by letter to call for an
5201interview. Before he called, he spent hours in Wall Street finding out
5202everything possible about the person who had founded the business.
5203During the interview, he remarked: "I should be mighty proud to be
5204associated with an organization with a record like yours. I
5205understand you started twenty-eight years ago with nothing but desk
5206room and one stenographer. Is that true?"
5207Almost every successful person likes to reminisce about his early
5208struggles. This man was no exception. He talked for a long time
5209about how he had started with $450 in cash and an original idea. He
5210told how he had fought against discouragement and battled against
5211ridicule, working Sundays and holidays, twelve to sixteen hours a
5212day; how he had finally won against all odds until now the most
5213important executives on Wall Street were coming to him for
5214information and guidance. He was proud of such a record. He had a
5215right to be, and he had a splendid time telling about it. Finally, he
5216questioned Mr. Cubellis briefly about his experience, then called in
5217one of his vice presidents and said: "I think this is the person we are
5218looking for."
5219Mr. Cubellis had taken the trouble to find out about the
5220accomplishments of his prospective employer. He showed an interest
5221in the other person and his problems. He encouraged the other
5222person to do most of the talking - and made a favorable impression.
5223Roy G. Bradley of Sacramento, California, had the opposite problem.
5224He listened as a good prospect for a sales position talked himself into
5225a job with Bradley's firm, Roy reported:
5226"Being a small brokerage firm, we had no fringe benefits, such as
5227hospitalization, medical insurance and pensions. Every representative
5228is an independent agent. We don't even provide leads for prospects,
5229as we cannot advertise for them as our larger competitors do.
5230"Richard Pryor had the type of experience we wanted for this
5231position, and he was interviewed first by my assistant, who told him 
5232about all the negatives related to this job. He seemed slightly
5233discouraged when he came into my office. I mentioned the one
5234benefit of being associated with my firm, that of being an
5235independent contractor and therefore virtually being self-employed.
5236"As he talked about these advantages to me, he talked himself out of
5237each negative thought he had when he came in for the interview.
5238Several times it seemed as though he was half talking to himself as
5239he was thinking through each thought. At times I was tempted to
5240add to his thoughts; however, as the interview came to a close I felt
5241he had convinced himself, very much on his own, that he would like
5242to work for my firm.
5243"Because I had been a good listener and let Dick do most of the
5244talking, he was able to weigh both sides fairly in his mind, and he
5245came to the positive conclusion, which was a challenge he created
5246for himself. We hired him and he has been an outstanding
5247representative for our firm,"
5248Even our friends would much rather talk to us about their
5249achievements than listen to us boast about ours. La Rochefoucauld,
5250the French philosopher, said: "If you want enemies, excel your
5251friends; but if you want friends, let your friends excel you."
5252Why is that true? Because when our friends excel us, they feel
5253important; but when we excel them, they - or at least some of them
5254- will feel inferior and envious.
5255By far the best-liked placement counselor in the Mid-town Personnel
5256Agency in New York City was Henrietta G ---- It hadn't always been
5257that way. During the first few months of her association with the
5258agency, Henrietta didn't have a single friend among her colleagues.
5259Why? Because every day she would brag about the placements she
5260had made, the new accounts she had opened, and anything else she
5261had accomplished.
5262"I was good at my work and proud of it," Henrietta told one of our
5263classes. " But instead of my colleagues sharing my triumphs, they
5264seemed to resent them. I wanted to be liked by these people. I really
5265wanted them to be my friends. After listening to some of the
5266suggestions made in this course, I started to talk about myself less
5267and listen more to my associates. They also had things to boast
5268about and were more excited about telling me about their
5269accomplishments than about listening to my boasting. Now, when we
5270have some time to chat, I ask them to share their joys with me, and
5271I only mention my achievements when they ask."
5272• Principle 6 Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.
5273~~~~~~~ 
52747 - How To Get Cooperation
5275Don't you have much more faith in ideas that you discover for
5276yourself than in ideas that are handed to you on a silver platter? If
5277so, isn't it bad judgment to try to ram your opinions down the
5278throats of other people? Isn't it wiser to make suggestions - and let
5279the other person think out the conclusion?
5280Adolph Seltz of Philadelphia, sales manager in an automobile
5281showroom and a student in one of my courses, suddenly found
5282himself confronted with the necessity of injecting enthusiasm into a
5283discouraged and disorganized group of automobile salespeople.
5284Calling a sales meeting, he urged his people to tell him exactly what
5285they expected from him. As they talked, he wrote their ideas on the
5286blackboard. He then said: "I'll give you all these qualities you expect
5287from me. Now I want you to tell me what I have a right to expect
5288from you." The replies came quick and fast: loyalty, honesty,
5289initiative, optimism, teamwork, eight hours a day of enthusiastic
5290work, The meeting ended with a new courage, a new inspiration -
5291one salesperson volunteered to work fourteen hours a day - and Mr.
5292Seltz reported to me that the increase of sales was phenomenal.
5293"The people had made a sort of moral bargain with me, " said Mr.
5294Seltz, "and as long as I lived up to my part in it, they were
5295determined to live up to theirs. Consulting them about their wishes
5296and desires was just the shot in the arm they needed."
5297No one likes to feel that he or she is being sold some-thing or told to
5298do a thing. We much prefer to feel that we are buying of our own
5299accord or acting on our own ideas. We like to be consulted about our
5300wishes, our wants, our thoughts.
5301Take the case of Eugene Wesson. He lost countless thousands of
5302dollars in commissions before he learned this truth. Mr. Wesson sold
5303sketches for a studio that created designs for stylists and textile
5304manufacturers. Mr. Wesson had called on one of the leading stylists
5305in New York once a week, every week for three years. "He never
5306refused to see me," said Mr. Wesson, "but he never bought. He
5307always looked over my sketches very carefully and then said: 'No,
5308Wesson, I guess we don't get together today.' "
5309After 150 failures, Wesson realized he must be in a mental rut, so he
5310resolved to devote one evening a week to the study of influencing
5311human behavior, to help him develop new ideas and generate new
5312enthusiasm.
5313He decided on this new approach. With half a dozen unfinished
5314artists' sketches under his arm, he rushed over to the buyer's office.
5315"I want you to do me a little favor, if you will," he said. "'Here are 
5316some uncompleted sketches. Won't you please tell me how we could
5317finish them up in such a way that you could use them?"
5318The buyer looked at the sketches for a while without uttering a word.
5319Finally he said: "Leave these with me for a few days, Wesson, and
5320then come back and see me."
5321Wesson returned three davs later, got his suggestions, took the
5322sketches back to the studio and had them finished according to the
5323buyer's ideas. The result? All accepted.
5324After that, this buyer ordered scores of other sketches from Wesson,
5325all drawn according to the buyer's ideas. "I realized why I had failed
5326for years to sell him," said Mr. Wesson. " I had urged him to buy
5327what I thought he ought to have. Then I changed my approach
5328completely. I urged him to give me his ideas. This made him feel
5329that he was creating the designs. And he was. I didn't have to sell
5330him. He bought."
5331Letting the other person feel that the idea is his or hers not only
5332works in business and politics, it works in family life as well. Paul M.
5333Davis of Tulsa, Oklahoma, told his class how he applied this
5334principle:
5335"My family and I enjoyed one of the most interesting sightseeing
5336vacation trips we have ever taken. I had long dreamed of visiting
5337such historic sites as the Civil War battlefield in Gettysburg,
5338Independence Hall in Philadelphia, and our nation's capital. Valley
5339Forge, James-town and the restored colonial village of Williamsburg
5340were high on the list of things I wanted to see.
5341"In March my wife, Nancy, mentioned that she had ideas for our
5342summer vacation which included a tour of the western states, visiting
5343points of interest in New Mexico, Arizona, California and Nevada. She
5344had wanted to make this trip for several years. But we couldn't
5345obviously make both trips.
5346"Our daughter, Anne, had just completed a course in U.S. history in
5347junior high school and had become very interested in the events that
5348had shaped our country's growth. I asked her how she would like to
5349visit the places she had learned about on our next vacation. She said
5350she would love to.
5351"Two evenings later as we sat around the dinner table, Nancy
5352announced that if we all agreed, the summer's vacation would be to
5353the eastern states, that it would he a great trip for Anne and thrilling
5354for all of us. We all concurred."
5355This same psychology was used by an X-ray manufacturer to sell his
5356equipment to one of the largest hospitals in Brooklyn This hospital 
5357was building an addition and preparing to equip it with the finest Xray
5358department in America. Dr. L----, who was in charge of the X-ray
5359department, was overwhelmed with sales representatives, each
5360caroling the praises of his own company's equipment.
5361One manufacturer, however, was more skillful. He knew far more
5362about handling human nature than the others did. He wrote a letter
5363something like this:
5364Our factory has recently completed a new line of X-ray equipment.
5365The first shipment of these machines has just arrived at our office.
5366They are not perfect. We know that, and we want to improve them.
5367So we should be deeply obligated to you if you could find time to
5368look them over and give us your ideas about how they can be made
5369more serviceable to your profession. Knowing how occupied you are,
5370I shall be glad to send my car for you at any hour you specify.
5371"I was surprised to get that letter," Dr. L ---- said as he related the
5372incident before the class. "I was both surprised and complimented. I
5373had never had an X-ray manufacturer seeking my advice before. It
5374made me feel important. I was busy every night that week, but I
5375canceled a dinner appointment in order to look over the equipment.
5376The more I studied it, the more I discovered for myself how much I
5377liked it.
5378"Nobody had tried to sell it to me. I felt that the idea of buying that
5379equipment for the hospital was my own. I sold myself on its superior
5380qualities and ordered it installed."
5381Ralph Waldo Emerson in his essay "Self-Reliance" stated: "In every
5382work of genius we recognize our own rejected thoughts; they come
5383back to us with a certain alienated majesty."
5384Colonel Edward M. House wielded an enormous influence in national
5385and international affairs while Woodrow Wilson occupied the White
5386House. Wilson leaned upon Colonel House for secret counsel and
5387advice more than he did upon even members of his own cabinet.
5388What method did the Colonel use in influencing the President?
5389Fortunately, we know, for House himself revealed it to Arthur D.
5390Howden Smith, and Smith quoted House in an article in The
5391Saturday Evening Post.
5392" 'After I got to know the President,' House said, 'I learned the best
5393way to convert him to an idea was to plant it in his mind casually,
5394but so as to interest him in it - so as to get him thinking about it on
5395his own account. The first time this worked it was an accident. I had
5396been visiting him at the White House and urged a policy on him
5397which he appeared to disapprove. But several days later, at the 
5398dinner table, I was amazed to hear him trot out my suggestion as his
5399own.' "
5400Did House interrupt him and say, "That's not your idea. That's mine"
5401? Oh, no. Not House. He was too adroit for that. He didn't care about
5402credit. He wanted results. So he let Wilson continue to feel that the
5403idea was his. House did even more than that. He gave Wilson public
5404credit for these ideas.
5405Let's remember that everyone we come in contact with is just as
5406human as Woodrow Wilson. So let's use Colonel House's technique.
5407A man up in the beautiful Canadian province of New Brunswick used
5408this technique on me and won my patronage. I was planning at the
5409time to do some fishing and canoeing in New Brunswick. So I wrote
5410the tourist bureau for information. Evidently my name and address
5411were put on a mailing list, for I was immediately overwhelmed with
5412scores of letters and booklets and printed testimonials from camps
5413and guides. I was bewildered. I didn't know which to choose. Then
5414one camp owner did a clever thing. He sent me the names and
5415telephone numbers of several New York people who had stayed at
5416his camp and he invited me to telephone them and discover for
5417myself what he had to offer.
5418I found to my surprise that I knew one of the men on his list. I
5419telephoned him, found out what his experience had been, and then
5420wired the camp the date of my arrival.
5421The others had been trying to sell me on their service, but one let
5422me sell myself. That organization won. Twenty-five centuries ago,
5423Lao-tse, a Chinese sage, said some things that readers of this book
5424might use today:
5425" The reason why rivers and seas receive the homage of a hundred
5426mountain streams is that they keep below them. Thus they are able
5427to reign over all the mountain streams. So the sage, wishing to be
5428above men, putteth himself below them; wishing to be before them,
5429he putteth himself behind them. Thus, though his place be above
5430men, they do not feel his weight; though his place be before them,
5431they do not count it an injury."
5432• Principle 7 - Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers.
5433~~~~~~~
54348 - A Formula That Will Work Wonders For You
5435Remember that other people may be totally wrong. But they don't
5436think so. Don't condemn them. Any fool can do that. Try to 
5437understand them. Only wise, tolerant, exceptional people even try to
5438do that.
5439There is a reason why the other man thinks and acts as he does.
5440Ferret out that reason - and you have the key to his actions, perhaps
5441to his personality. Try honestly to put yourself in his place.
5442If you say to yourself, "How would I feel, how would I react if I were
5443in his shoes?" you will save yourself time and irritation, for "by
5444becoming interested in the cause, we are less likely to dislike the
5445effect." And, in addition, you will sharply increase your skill in human
5446relationships.
5447"Stop a minute," says Kenneth M. Goode in his book How to Turn
5448People Into Gold, "stop a minute to contrast your keen interest in
5449your own affairs with your mild concern about anything else. Realize
5450then, that everybody else in the world feels exactly the same way!
5451Then, along with Lincoln and Roosevelt, you will have grasped the
5452only solid foundation for interpersonal relationships; namely, that
5453success in dealing with people depends on a sympathetic grasp of
5454the other persons' viewpoint."
5455Sam Douglas of Hempstead, New York, used to tell his wife that she
5456spent too much time working on their lawn, pulling weeds, fertilizing,
5457cutting the grass twice a week when the lawn didn't look any better
5458than it had when they moved into their home four years earlier.
5459Naturally, she was distressed by his remarks, and each time he made
5460such remarks the balance of the evening was ruined.
5461After taking our course, Mr. Douglas realized how foolish he had
5462been all those years. It never occurred to him that she enjoyed doing
5463that work and she might really appreciate a compliment on her
5464diligence.
5465One evening after dinner, his wife said she wanted to pull some
5466weeds and invited him to keep her company. He first declined, but
5467then thought better of it and went out after her and began to help
5468her pull weeds. She was visibly pleased, and together they spent an
5469hour in hard work and pleasant conversation.
5470After that he often helped her with the gardening and complimented
5471her on how fine the lawn looked, what a fantastic job she was doing
5472with a yard where the soil was like concrete. Result: a happier life for
5473both because he had learned to look at things from her point of view
5474- even if the subject was only weeds.
5475In his book Getting Through to People, Dr. Gerald S. Nirenberg
5476commented: "Cooperativeeness in conversation is achieved when
5477you show that you consider the other person's ideas and feelings as
5478important as your own. Starting your conversation by giving the 
5479other person the purpose or direction of your conversation,
5480governing what you say by what you would want to hear if you were
5481the listener, and accepting his or her viewpoint will encourage the
5482listener to have an open mind to your ideas." (*)
5483----
5484[*] Dr Gerald S. Nirenberg, Getting Through to People (Englewood
5485Cliffs, N.J.: Prentice-Hall, 1963), p. 31.
5486----
5487I have always enjoyed walking and riding in a park near my home.
5488Like the Druids of ancient Gaul, I all but worship an oak tree, so I
5489was distressed season after season to see the young trees and
5490shrubs killed off by needless fires. These fires weren't caused by
5491careless smokers. They were almost all caused by youngsters who
5492went out to the park to go native and cook a frankfurter or an egg
5493under the trees. Sometimes, these fires raged so fiercely that the fire
5494department had to be called out to fight the conflagration.
5495There was a sign on the edge of the park saying that anyone who
5496started a fire was liable to fine and imprisonment, but the sign stood
5497in an unfrequented part of the park, and few of the culprits ever saw
5498it. A mounted policeman was supposed to look after the park; but he
5499didn't take his duties too seriously, and the fires continued to spread
5500season after season. On one occasion, I rushed up to a policeman
5501and told him about a fire spreading rapidly through the park and
5502wanted him to notify the fire department, and he nonchalantly
5503replied that it was none of his business because it wasn't in his
5504precinct! I was desperate, so after that when I went riding, I acted
5505as a self-appointed committee of one to protect the public domain.
5506In the beginning, I am afraid I didn't even attempt to see the other
5507people's point of view. When I saw a fire blazing under the trees, I
5508was so unhappy about it, so eager to do the right thing, that I did
5509the wrong thing. I would ride up to the boys, warn them that they
5510could be jailed for starting a fire, order with a tone of authority that
5511it be put out; and, if they refused, I would threaten to have them
5512arrested. I was merely unloading my feelings without thinking of
5513their point of view.
5514The result? They obeyed - obeyed sullenly and with resentment.
5515After I rode on over the hill, they probably rebuilt the fire and longed
5516to burn up the whole park.
5517With the passing of the years, I acquired a trifle more knowledge of
5518human relations, a little more tact, a somewhat greater tendency to
5519see things from the other person's standpoint. Then, instead of
5520giving orders, I would ride up to a blazing fire and begin something
5521like this: 
5522"Having a good time, boys? What are you going to cook for supper?
5523... I loved to build fires myself when I was a boy - and I still love to.
5524But you know they are very dangerous here in the park. I know you
5525boys don't mean to do any harm, but other boys aren't so careful.
5526They come along and see that you have built a fire; so they build
5527one and don't put it out when they go home and it spreads among
5528the dry leaves and kills the trees. We won't have any trees here at all
5529if we aren't more careful, You could be put in jail for building this
5530fire. But I don't want to be bossy and interfere with your pleasure. I
5531like to see you enjoy yourselves; but won't you please rake all the
5532leaves away from the fire right now - and you'll be careful to cover it
5533with dirt, a lot of dirt, before you leave, won't you? And the next
5534time you want to have some fun, won't you please build your fire
5535over the hill there in the sandpit? It can't do any harm there.. . .
5536Thanks so much, boys. Have a good time."
5537What a difference that kind of talk made! It made the boys want to
5538cooperate. No sullenness, no resentment. They hadn't been forced to
5539obey orders. They had saved their faces. They felt better and I felt
5540better because I had handled the situation with consideration for
5541their point of view.
5542Seeing things through another person's eyes may ease tensions
5543when personal problems become overwhelming. Elizabeth Novak of
5544New South Wales, Australia, was six weeks late with her car
5545payment. "On a Friday," she reported, "I received a nasty phone call
5546from the man who was handling my account informing me if I did
5547not come up with $122 by Monday morning I could anticipate further
5548action from the company. I had no way of raising the money over
5549the weekend, so when I received his phone call first thing on Monday
5550morning I expected the worst. Instead of becoming upset I looked at
5551the situation from his point of view. I apologized most sincerely for
5552causing him so much inconvenience and remarked that I must be his
5553most troublesome customer as this was not the first time I was
5554behind in my payments. His tone of voice changed immediately, and
5555he reassured me that I was far from being one of his really
5556troublesome customers. He went on to tell me several examples of
5557how rude his customers sometimes were, how they lied to him and
5558often tried to avoid talking to him at all. I said nothing. I listened and
5559let him pour out his troubles to me. Then, without any suggestion
5560from me, he said it did not matter if I couldn't pay all the money
5561immediately. It would be all right if I paid him $20 by the end of the
5562month and made up the balance whenever it was convenient for me
5563to do so."
5564Tomorrow, before asking anyone to put out a fire or buy your
5565product or contribute to your favorite charity, why not pause and
5566close your eyes and try to think the whole thing through from
5567another person's point of view? Ask yourself: "Why should he or she 
5568want to do it?" True, this will take time, but it will avoid making
5569enemies and will get better results - and with less friction and less
5570shoe leather.
5571"I would rather walk the sidewalk in front of a person's office for two
5572hours before an interview," said Dean Donham of the Harvard
5573business school, "than step into that office without a perfectly clear
5574idea of what I was going to say and what that person - from my
5575knowledge of his or her interests and motives - was likely to
5576answer."
5577That is so important that I am going to repeat it in italics for the sake
5578of emphasis.
5579I would rather walk the sidewalk in front of a person's office for two
5580hours before an interview than step into that office without a
5581perfectly clear idea of what I was going to say and what that persob
5582- from my knowledge of his or her interests and motives - was likely
5583to answer.
5584If, as a result of reading this book, you get only one thing - an
5585increased tendency to think always in terms of the other person's
5586point of view, and see things from that person's angle as well as
5587your own - if you get only that one thing from this book, it may
5588easily prove to be one of the stepping - stones of your career.
5589• Principle 8 - Try honestly to see things from the other person's
5590point of view.
5591~~~~~~~
55929 - What Everybody Wants
5593Wouldn't you like to have a magic phrase that would stop
5594arguments, eliminate ill feeling, create good will, and make the other
5595person listen attentively?
5596Yes? All right. Here it is: "I don't blame you one iota for feeling as
5597you do. If I were you I would undoubtedly feel just as you do."
5598An answer like that will soften the most cantankerous old cuss alive.
5599And you can say that and be 100 percent sincere, because if you
5600were the other person you, of course, would feel just as he does.
5601Take Al Capone, for example. Suppose you had inherited the same
5602body and temperament and mind that Al Capone had. Suppose you
5603had had his environment and experiences. You would then be
5604precisely what he was - and where he was. For it is those things -
5605and only those things - that made him what he was. The only
5606reason, for example, that you are not a rattlesnake is that your
5607mother and father weren't rattlesnakes. 
5608You deserve very little credit for being what you are - and
5609remember, the people who come to you irritated, bigoted,
5610unreasoning, deserve very little discredit for being what they are.
5611Feel sorry for the poor devils. Pity them. Sympathize with them. Say
5612to yourself: "There, but for the grace of God, go I."
5613Three-fourths of the people you will ever meet are hungering and
5614thirsting for sympathy. Give it to them, and they will love you.
5615I once gave a broadcast about the author of Little Women, Louisa
5616May Alcott. Naturally, I knew she had lived and written her immortal
5617books in Concord, Massachusetts. But, without thinking what I was
5618saying, I spoke of visiting her old home in Concord. New Hampshire.
5619If I had said New Hampshire only once, it might have been forgiven.
5620But, alas and alack! I said it twice, I was deluged with letters and
5621telegrams, stinging messages that swirled around my defenseless
5622head like a swarm of hornets. Many were indignant. A few insulting.
5623One Colonial Dame, who had been reared in Concord,
5624Massachusetts, and who was then living in Philadelphia, vented her
5625scorching wrath upon me. She couldn't have been much more bitter
5626if I had accused Miss Alcott of being a cannibal from New Guinea. As
5627I read the letter, I said to myself, "Thank God, I am not married to
5628that woman." I felt like writing and telling her that although I had
5629made a mistake in geography, she had made a far greater mistake in
5630common courtesy. That was to be just my opening sentence. Then I
5631was going to roll up my sleeves and tell her what I really thought.
5632But I didn't. I controlled myself. I realized that any hotheaded fool
5633could do that - and that most fools would do just that.
5634I wanted to be above fools. So I resolved to try to turn her hostility
5635into friendliness. It would be a challenge, a sort of game I could
5636play. I said to myself, "After all, if I were she, I would probably feel
5637just as she does." So, I determined to sympathize with her
5638viewpoint. The next time I was in Philadelphia, I called her on the
5639telephone. The conversation went something like this:
5640ME: Mrs. So-and-So, you wrote me a letter a few weeks ago, and I
5641want to thank you for it.
5642SHE: (in incisive, cultured, well-bred tones): To whom have I the
5643honor of speaking?
5644ME: I am a stranger to you. My name is Dale Carnegie. You listened
5645to a broadcast I gave about Louisa May Alcott a few Sundays ago,
5646and I made the unforgivable blunder of saying that she had lived in
5647Concord, New Hampshire. It was a stupid blunder, and I want to
5648apologize for it. It was so nice of you to take the time to write me. 
5649SHE : I am sorry, Mr. Carnegie, that I wrote as I did. I lost my
5650temper. I must apologize.
5651ME: No! No! You are not the one to apologize; I am. Any school child
5652would have known better than to have said what I said. I apologized
5653over the air the following Sunday, and I want to apologize to you
5654personally now.
5655SHE : I was born in Concord, Massachusetts. My family has been
5656prominent in Massachusetts affairs for two centuries, and I am very
5657proud of my native state. I was really quite distressed to hear you
5658say that Miss Alcott had lived in New Hampshire. But I am really
5659ashamed of that letter.
5660ME: I assure you that you were not one-tenth as distressed as I am.
5661My error didn't hurt Massachusetts, but it did hurt me. It is so
5662seldom that people of your standing and culture take the time to
5663write people who speak on the radio, and I do hope you will write
5664me again if you detect an error in my talks.
5665SHE: You know, I really like very much the way you have accepted
5666my criticism. You must be a very nice person. I should like to know
5667you better.
5668So, because I had apologized and sympathized with her point of
5669view, she began apologizing and sympathizing with my point of view,
5670I had the satisfaction of controlling my temper, the satisfaction of
5671returning kindness for an insult. I got infinitely more real fun out of
5672making her like me than I could ever have gotten out of telling her to
5673go and take a jump in the Schuylkill River,
5674Every man who occupies the White House is faced almost daily with
5675thorny problems in human relations. President Taft was no
5676exception, and he learned from experience the enormous chemical
5677value of sympathy in neutralizing the acid of hard feelings. In his
5678book Ethics in Service, Taft gives rather an amusing illustration of
5679how he softened the ire of a disappointed and ambitious mother.
5680"A lady in Washington," wrote Taft, "whose husband had some
5681political influence, came and labored with me for six weeks or more
5682to appoint her son to a position. She secured the aid of Senators and
5683Congressmen in formidable number and came with them to see that
5684they spoke with emphasis. The place was one requiring technical
5685qualification, and following the recommendation of the head of the
5686Bureau, I appointed somebody else. I then received a letter from the
5687mother, saying that I was most ungrateful, since I declined to make
5688her a happy woman as I could have done by a turn of my hand. She
5689complained further that she had labored with her state delegation
5690and got all the votes for an administration bill in which I was
5691especially interested and this was the way I had rewarded her. 
5692"When you get a letter like that, the first thing you do is to think how
5693you can be severe with a person who has committed an impropriety,
5694or even been a little impertinent. Then you may compose an answer.
5695Then if you are wise, you will put the letter in a drawer and lock the
5696drawer. Take it out in the course of two days - such communications
5697will always bear two days' delay in answering - and when you take it
5698out after that interval, you will not send it. That is just the course I
5699took. After that, I sat down and wrote her just as polite a letter as I
5700could, telling her I realized a mother's disappointment under such
5701circumstances, but that really the appointment was not left to my
5702mere personal preference, that I had to select a man with technical
5703qualifications, and had, therefore, to follow the recommendations of
5704the head of the Bureau. I expressed the hope that her son would go
5705on to accomplish what she had hoped for him in the position which
5706he then had. That mollified her and she wrote me a note saying she
5707was sorry she had written as she had.
5708"But the appointment I sent in was not confirmed at once, and after
5709an interval I received a letter which purported to come from her
5710husband, though it was in the the same handwriting as all the
5711others. I was therein advised that, due to the nervous prostration
5712that had followed her disappointment in this case, she had to take to
5713her bed and had developed a most serious case of cancer of the
5714stomach. Would I not restore her to health by withdrawing the first
5715name and replacing it by her son's? I had to write another letter, this
5716one to the husband, to say that I hoped the diagnosis would prove
5717to be inaccurate, that I sympathized with him in the sorrow he must
5718have in the serious illness of his wife, but that it was impossible to
5719withdraw the name sent in. The man whom I appointed was
5720confirmed, and within two days after I received that letter, we gave
5721a musicale at the White House. The first two people to greet Mrs.
5722Taft and me were this husband and wife, though the wife had so
5723recently been in articulo mortis."
5724Jay Mangum represented an elevator-escalator main-tenance
5725company in Tulsa, Oklahoma, which had the maintenance contract
5726for the escalators in one of Tulsa's leading hotels. The hotel manager
5727did not want to shut down the escalator for more than two hours at
5728a time because he did not want to inconvenience the hotel's guests.
5729The repair that had to be made would take at least eight hours, and
5730his company did not always have a specially qualified mechanic
5731available at the convenience of the hotel.
5732When Mr. Mangum was able to schedule a top-flight mechanic for
5733this job, he telephoned the hotel manager and instead of arguing
5734with him to give him the necessary time, he said:
5735"Rick, I know your hotel is quite busy and you would like to keep the
5736escalator shutdown time to a minimum. I understand your concern 
5737about this, and we want to do everything possible to accommodate
5738you. However, our diagnosis of the situation shows that if we do not
5739do a complete job now, your escalator may suffer more serious
5740damage and that would cause a much longer shutdown. I know you
5741would not want to inconvenience your guests for several days."
5742The manager had to agree that an eight-hour shut down was more
5743desirable than several days'. By sympathizing with the manager's
5744desire to keep his patrons happy, Mr. Mangum was able to win the
5745hotel manager to his way of thinking easily and without rancor.
5746Joyce Norris, a piano teacher in St, Louis, Missouri, told of how she
5747had handled a problem piano teachers often have with teenage girls.
5748Babette had exceptionally long fingernails. This is a serious handicap
5749to anyone who wants to develop proper piano-playing habits.
5750Mrs. Norris reported: "I knew her long fingernails would be a barrier
5751for her in her desire to play well. During our discussions prior to her
5752starting her lessons with me, I did not mention anything to her about
5753her nails. I didn't want to discourage her from taking lessons, and I
5754also knew she would not want to lose that which she took so much
5755pride in and such great care to make attractive.
5756"After her first lesson, when I felt the time was right, I said:
5757'Babette, you have attractive hands and beautiful fingernails. If you
5758want to play the piano as well as you are capable of and as well as
5759you would like to, you would be surprised how much quicker and
5760easier it would be for you, if you would trim your nails shorter. Just
5761think about it, Okay?' She made a face which was definitely negative.
5762I also talked to her mother about this situation, again mentioning
5763how lovely her nails were. Another negative reaction. It was obvious
5764that Babette's beautifully manicured nails were important to her.
5765"The following week Babette returned for her second lesson. Much to
5766my surprise, the fingernails had been trimmed. I complimented her
5767and praised her for making such a sacrifice. I also thanked her
5768mother for influencing Babette to cut her nails. Her reply was 'Oh, I
5769had nothing to do with it. Babette decided to do it on her own, and
5770this is the first time she has ever trimmed her nails for anyone.' "
5771Did Mrs. Norris threaten Babette? Did she say she would refuse to
5772teach a student with long fingernails? No, she did not. She let
5773Babette know that her finger-nails were a thing of beauty and it
5774would be a sacrifice to cut them. She implied, "I sympathize with you
5775- I know it won't be easy, but it will pay off in your better musical
5776development."
5777Sol Hurok was probably America's number one impresario. For
5778almost half a century he handled artists - such world-famous artists
5779as Chaliapin, Isadora Duncan, and Pavlova. Mr. Hurok told me that 
5780one of the first lessons he had learned in dealing with his
5781temperamental stars was the' necessity for sympathy, sympathy and
5782more sympathy with their idiosyncrasies.
5783For three years, he was impresario for Feodor Chaliapin -one of the
5784greatest bassos who ever thrilled the ritzy boxholders at the
5785Metropolitan, Yet Chaliapin was a constant problem. He carried on
5786like a spoiled child. To put it in Mr. Hurok's own inimitable phrase:
5787"He was a hell of a fellow in every way."
5788For example, Chaliapin would call up Mr. Hurok about noun of the
5789day he was going to sing and say, "Sol, I feel terrible. My throat is
5790like raw hamburger. It is impossible for me to sing tonight." Did Mr.
5791Hurok argue with him? Oh, no. He knew that an entrepreneur
5792couldn't handle artists that way. So he would rush over to Chaliapin's
5793hotel, dripping with sympathy. "What a pity, " he would mourn.
5794"What a pity! My poor fellow. Of course, you cannot sing. I will
5795cancel the engagement at once. It will only cost you a couple of
5796thousand dollars, but that is nothing in comparison to your
5797reputation."
5798Then Chaliapin would sigh and say, "Perhaps you had better come
5799over later in the day. Come at five and see how I feel then."
5800At five o'clock, Mr. Hurok would again rush to his hotel, dripping with
5801sympathy. Again he would insist on canceling the engagement and
5802again Chaliapin would sigh and say, "Well, maybe you had better
5803come to see me later. I may be better then."
5804At seven-thirty the great basso would consent to sing, only with the
5805understanding that Mr. Hurok would walk out on the stage of the
5806Metropolitan and announce that Chaliapin had a very bad cold and
5807was not in good voice. Mr. Hurok would lie and say he would do it,
5808for he knew that was the only way to get the basso out on the stage.
5809Dr. Arthur I. Gates said in his splendid book Educational Psychology:
5810"Sympathy the human species universally craves. The child eagerly
5811displays his injury; or even inflicts a cut or bruise in order to reap
5812abundant sympathy. For the same purpose adults ... show their
5813bruises, relate their accidents, illness, especially details of surgical
5814operations. 'Self-pity' for misfortunes real or imaginary is in some
5815measure, practically a universal practice."
5816So, if you want to win people to your way of thinking, put in practice
5817...
5818• Principle 9 - Be sympathetic with the other person's ideas and
5819desires.
5820~~~~~~~ 
582110 - An Appeal That Everybody Likes
5822I was reared on the edge of the Jesse James country out in Missouri,
5823and I visited the James farm at Kearney, Missouri, where the son of
5824Jesse James was then living.
5825His wife told me stories of how Jesse robbed trains and held up
5826banks and then gave money to the neighboring farmers to pay off
5827their mortgages.
5828Jesse James probably regarded himself as an idealist at heart, just as
5829Dutch Schultz, "Two Gun" Crowley, Al Capone and many other
5830organized crime "godfathers" did generations later. The fact is that
5831all people you meet have a high regard for themselves and like to be
5832fine and unselfish in their own estimation.
5833J. Pierpont Morgan observed, in one of his analytical interludes, that
5834a person usually has two reasons for doing a thing: one that sounds
5835good and a real one.
5836The person himself will think of the real reason. You don't need to
5837emphasize that. But all of us, being idealists at heart, like to think of
5838motives that sound good. So, in order to change people, appeal to
5839the nobler motives.
5840Is that too idealistic to work in business? Let's see. Let's take the
5841case of Hamilton J. Farrell of the Farrell-Mitchell Company of
5842Glenolden, Pennsylvania. Mr. Farrell had a disgruntled tenant who
5843threatened to move. The tenant's lease still had four months to run;
5844nevertheless, he served notice that he was vacating immediately,
5845regardless of lease.
5846"These people had lived in my house all winter - the most expensive
5847part of the year," Mr. Farrell said as he told the story to the class,
5848"and I knew it would be difficult to rent the apartment again before
5849fall. I could see all that rent income going over the hill and believe
5850me, I saw red.
5851"Now, ordinarily, I would have waded into that tenant and advised
5852him to read his lease again. I would have pointed out that if he
5853moved, the full balance of his rent would fall due at once - and that I
5854could, and would, move to collect.
5855"However, instead of flying off the handle and making a scene, I
5856decided to try other tactics. So I started like this: 'Mr. Doe,' I said, 'I
5857have listened to your story, and I still don't believe you intend to
5858move. Years in the renting business have taught me something
5859about human nature, and I sized you up in the first place as being a 
5860man of your word. In fact, I'm so sure of it that I'm willing to take a
5861gamble.
5862" 'Now, here's my proposition. Lav your decision on the table for a
5863few days and think it over. If you come back to me between now
5864and the first of the month, when your rent is due, and tell me you
5865still intend to move, I give you my word I will accept your decision as
5866final. I will privilege you to move and admit to myself I've been
5867wrong in my judgment. But I still believe you're a man of your word
5868and will live up to your contract. For after all, we are either men or
5869monkeys - and the choice usually lies with ourselves!'
5870"Well, when the new month came around, this gentleman came to
5871see me and paid his rent in person. He and his wife had talked it
5872over, he said - and decided to stay. They had concluded that the
5873only honorable thing to do was to live up to their lease."
5874When the late Lord Northcliffe found a newspaper using a picture of
5875him which he didn't want published, he wrote the editor a letter. But
5876did he say, "Please do not publish that picture of me any more; I
5877don't like it"? No, he appealed to a nobler motive. He appealed to the
5878respect and love that all of us have for motherhood. He wrote,
5879"Please do not publish that picture of me any more. My mother
5880doesn't like it."
5881When John D. Rockefeller, Jr., wished to stop newspaper
5882photographers from snapping pictures of his children, he too
5883appealed to the nobler motives. He didn't, say: "I don't want their
5884pictures published." No, he appealed to the desire, deep in all of us,
5885to refrain from harming children. He said: "You know how it is, boys.
5886You've got children yourselves, some of you. And you know it's not
5887good for youngsters to get too much publicity."
5888When Cyrus H. K. Curtis, the poor boy from Maine, was starting on
5889his meteoric career, which was destined to make him millions as
5890owner of The Saturday Evening Post and the Ladies' Home Journal,
5891he couldn't afford to pay his contributors the prices that other
5892magazines paid. He couldn't afford to hire first-class authors to write
5893for money alone. So he appealed to their nobler motives. For
5894example, he persuaded even Louisa May Alcott, the immortal author
5895of Little Women, to write for him when she was at the flood tide of
5896her fame; and he did it by offering to send a check for a hundred
5897dollars, not to her, but to her favorite charity.
5898Right here the skeptic may say: "Oh, that stuff is all right for
5899Northcliffe and Rockefeller or a sentimental novelist. But, I'd like to
5900see you make it work with the tough babies I have to collect bills
5901from!" 
5902You may be right. Nothing will work in all cases - and nothing will
5903work with all people. If you are satisfied with the results you are now
5904getting, why change? If you are not satisfied, why not experiment?
5905At any rate, I think you will enjoy reading this true story told by
5906James L. Thomas, a former student of mine:
5907Six customers of a certain automobile company refused to pay their
5908bills for servicing. None of the customers protested the entire bill,
5909but each claimed that some one charge was wrong. In each case,
5910the customer had signed for the work done, so the company knew it
5911was right - and said so. That was the first mistake.
5912Here are the steps the men in the credit department took to collect
5913these overdue bills. Do you suppose they succeeded?
5914• 1. They called on each customer and told him bluntly that they had
5915come to collect a bill that was long past due.
5916• 2. They made it very plain that the company was absolutely and
5917unconditionally right; therefore he, the customer, was absolutely and
5918unconditionally wrong.
5919• 3. They intimated that they, the company, knew more about
5920automobiles than he could ever hope to know. So what was the
5921argument about?
5922• 4. Result: They argued.
5923Did any of these methods reconcile the customer and settle the
5924account? You can answer that one yourself.
5925At this stage of affairs, the credit manager was about to open fire
5926with a battery of legal talent, when fortunately the matter came to
5927the attention of the general manager. The manager investigated
5928these defaulting clients and discovered that they all had the
5929reputation of paying their bills promptly, Something was wrong here
5930- something was drastically wrong about the method of collection. So
5931he called in James L. Thomas and told him to collect these
5932"uncollectible" accounts.
5933Here, in his words, are the steps Mr. Thrrmas took:
59341. My visit to each customer was likewise to collect a bill long past
5935due - a bill that we knew was absolutely right. But I didn't say a
5936word about that. I explained I had called to find out what it was the
5937company had done, or failed to do.
59382. I made it clear that, until I had heard the customer's story, I had
5939no opinion to offer. I told him the company made no claims to being
5940infallible. 
59413. I told him I was interested only in his car, and that he knew more
5942about his car than anyone else in the world; that he was the
5943authority on the subject.
59444. I let him talk, and I listened to him with all the interest and
5945sympathy that he wanted - and had expected.
59465. Finally, when the customer was in a reasonable mood, I put the
5947whole thing up to his sense of fair play. I appealed to the nobler
5948motives. "First," I said, "I want you to know I also feel this matter
5949has been badly mishandled. You've been inconvenienced and
5950annoyed and irritated by one of our representatives. That should
5951never have happened. I'm sorry and, as a representative of the
5952company, I apologize. As I sat here and listened to your side of the
5953story, I could not help being impressed by your fairness and
5954patience. And now, because you are fair - minded and patient, I am
5955going to ask you to do something for me. It's something that you
5956can do better than anyone else, something you know more about
5957than anyone else. Here is your bill; I know it is safe for me to ask
5958you to adjust it, just as you would do if you were the president of my
5959company. I am going to leave it all up to you. Whatever you say
5960goes."
5961Did he adjust the bill? He certainly did, and got quite a kick out of it,
5962The bills ranged from $150 to $400 - but did the customer give
5963himself the best of it? Yes, one of them did! One of them refused to
5964pay a penny of the disputed charge; but the other five all gave the
5965company the best of it! And here's the cream of the whole thing: we
5966delivered new cars to all six of these customers within the next two
5967years!
5968"Experience has taught me," says Mr. Thomas, "that when no
5969information can be secured about the customer, the only sound basis
5970on which to proceed is to assume that he or she is sincere, honest,
5971truthful and willing and anxious to pay the charges, once convinced
5972they are correct. To put it differently and perhaps mare clearly,
5973people are honest and want to discharge their obligations. The
5974exceptions to that rule are comparatively few, and I am convinced
5975that the individuals who are inclined to chisel will in most cases react
5976favorably if you make them feel that you consider them honest,
5977upright and fair."
5978• Principle 10 - Appeal to the nobler motives.
5979~~~~~~~
598011 - The Movies Do It. Tv Does It. Why Don't You Do It?
5981Many years ago, the Philadelphia Evening Bulletin was being
5982maligned by a dangerous whispering campaign. A malicious rumor 
5983was being circulated. Advertisers were being told that the newspaper
5984was no longer attractive to readers because it carried too much
5985advertising and too little news. Immediate action was necessary. The
5986gossip had to be squelched.
5987But how?
5988This is the way it was done.
5989The Bulletin clipped from its regular edition all reading matter of all
5990kinds on one average day, classified it, and published it as a book.
5991The book was called One Day. It contained 307 pages - as many as a
5992hard-covered book; yet the Bulletin had printed all this news and
5993feature material on one day and sold it, not for several dollars, but
5994for a few cents.
5995The printing of that book dramatized the fact that the Bulletin carried
5996an enormous amount of interesting reading matter. It conveyed the
5997facts more vividly, more interestingly, more impressively, than pages
5998of figures and mere talk could have done.
5999This is the day of dramatization. Merely stating a truth isn't enough.
6000The truth has to be made vivid, interesting, dramatic. You have to
6001use showmanship. The movies do it. Television does it. And you will
6002have to do it if you want attention.
6003Experts in window display know the power of dramazation. For
6004example, the manufacturers of a new rat poison gave dealers a
6005window display that included two live rats. The week the rats were
6006shown, sales zoomed to five times their normal rate.
6007Television commercials abound with examples of the use of dramatic
6008techniques in selling products. Sit down one evening in front of your
6009television set and analyze what the advertisers do in each of their
6010presentations. You will note how an antacid medicine changes the
6011color of the acid in a test tube while its competitor doesn't, how one
6012brand of soap or detergent gets a greasy shirt clean when the other
6013brand leaves it gray. You'll see a car maneuver around a series of
6014turns and curves - far better than just being told about it. Happy
6015faces will show contentment with a variety of products. All of these
6016dramatize for the viewer the advantages offered by whatever is
6017being sold - and they do get people to buy them.
6018You can dramatize your ideas in business or in any other aspect of
6019your life. It's easy. Jim Yeamans, who sells for the NCR company
6020(National Cash Register) in Richmond, Virginia, told how he made a
6021sale by dramatic demonstration.
6022"Last week I called on a neighborhood grocer and saw that the cash
6023registers he was using at his checkout counters were very old-
6024fashioned. I approached the owner and told him: 'You are literally
6025throwing away pennies every time a customer goes through your
6026line.' With that I threw a handful of pennies on the floor. He quickly
6027became more attentive. The mere words should have been of
6028interest to him, but the sound of Pennies hitting the floor really
6029stopped him. I was able to get an order from him to replace all of his
6030old machines."
6031It works in home life as well. When the old-time lover Proposed to
6032his sweetheart, did he just use words of love? No! He went down on
6033his knees. That really showed he meant what he said. We don't
6034propose on our knees any more, but many suitors still set up a
6035romantic atmosphere before they pop the question.
6036Dramatizing what you want works with children as well. Joe B. Fant,
6037Jr., of Birmingham, Alabama, was having difficulty getting his fiveyear-old
6038boy and three-year-old daughter to pick up their toys, so he
6039invented a "train." Joey was the engineer (Captain Casey Jones) on
6040his tricycle. Janet's wagon was attached, and in the evening she
6041loaded all the "coal" on the caboose (her wagon) and then jumped in
6042while her brother drove her around the room. In this way the room
6043was cleaned up - without lectures, arguments or threats.
6044Mary Catherine Wolf of Mishawaka, Indiana, was having some
6045problems at work and decided that she had to discuss them with the
6046boss. On Monday morning she requested an appointment with him
6047but was told he was very busy and she should arrange with his
6048secretary for an appointment later in the week. The secretary
6049indicated that his schedule was very tight, but she would try to fit
6050her in.
6051Ms. Wolf described what happened:
6052"I did not get a reply from her all week long. Whenever I questioned
6053her, she would give me a reason why the boss could not see me.
6054Friday morning came and I had heard nothing definite. I really
6055wanted to see him and discuss my problems before the weekend, so
6056I asked myself how I could get him to see me.
6057"What I finally did was this. I wrote him a formal letter. I indicated in
6058the letter that I fully understood how extremely busy he was all
6059week, but it was important that I speak with him. I enclosed a form
6060letter and a self-addressed envelope and asked him to please fill it
6061out or ask his secretary to do it and return it to me. The form letter
6062read as follows:
6063Ms. Wolf - I will be able to see you on __________ a t
6064__________A.M/P.M. I will give you _____minutes of my time. 
6065"I put this letter in his in-basket at 11 A.M. At 2 P.M. I checked my
6066mailbox. There was my self-addressed envelope. He had answered
6067my form letter himself and indicated he could see me that afternoon
6068and could give me ten minutes of his time. I met with him, and we
6069talked for over an hour and resolved my problems.
6070"If I had not dramatized to him the fact that I really wanted to see
6071him, I would probably be still waiting for an appointment."
6072James B. Boynton had to present a lengthy market report. His firm
6073had just finished an exhaustive study for a leading brand of cold
6074cream. Data were needed immediately about the competition in this
6075market; the prospective customer was one of the biggest - and most
6076formidable - men in the advertising business.
6077And his first approach failed almost before he began.
6078"The first time I went in," Mr. Boynton explains, "I found myself
6079sidetracked into a futile discussion of the methods used in the
6080investigation. He argued and I argued. He told me I was wrong, and
6081I tried to prove that I was right.
6082"I finally won my point, to my own satisfaction - but my time was up,
6083the interview was over, and I still hadn't produced results.
6084"The second time, I didn't bother with tabulations of figures and
6085data, I went to see this man, I dramatized my facts I.
6086"As I entered his office, he was busy on the phone. While he finished
6087his conversation, I opened a suitcase and dumped thirty-two jars of
6088cold cream on top of his desk - all products he knew - all competitors
6089of his cream.
6090"On each jar, I had a tag itemizing the results of the trade
6091investigation, And each tag told its story briefly, dramatically.
6092"What happened?
6093"There was no longer an argument. Here was something new,
6094something different. He picked up first one and then another of the
6095jars of cold cream and read the information on the tag. A friendly
6096conversation developed. He asked additional questions. He was
6097intensely interested. He had originally given me only ten minutes to
6098present my facts, but ten minutes passed, twenty minutes, forty
6099minutes, and at the end of an hour we were still talking.
6100"I was presenting the same facts this time that I had presented
6101previously. But this time I was using dramatization, showmanship -
6102and what a difference it made." 
6103• Principle 11 - Dramatize your ideas.
6104~~~~~~~
610512 - When Nothing Else Works, Try This
6106Charles Schwab had a mill manager whose people weren't producing
6107their quota of work.
6108"How is it," Schwab asked him, "that a manager as capable as you
6109can't make this mill turn out what it should?"
6110"I don't know," the manager replied. "I've coaxed the men, I've
6111pushed them, I've sworn and cussed, I've threatened them with
6112damnation and being fired. But nothing works. They just won't
6113produce."
6114This conversation took place at the end of the day, just before the
6115night shift came on. Schwab asked the manager for a piece of chalk,
6116then, turning to the nearest man, asked: "How many heats did your
6117shift make today?"
6118"Six."
6119Without another word, Schwab chalked a big figure six on the floor,
6120and walked away.
6121When the night shift came in, they saw the "6" and asked what it
6122meant.
6123"The big boss was in here today," the day people said. "He asked us
6124how many heats we made, and we told him six. He chalked it down
6125on the floor."
6126The next morning Schwab walked through the mill again. The night
6127shift had rubbed out "6" and replaced it with a big "7."
6128When the day shift reported for work the next morning, they saw a
6129big "7" chalked on the floor. So the night shift thought they were
6130better than the day shift did they? Well, they would show the night
6131shift a thing or two. The crew pitched in with enthusiasm, and when
6132they quit that night, they left behind them an enormous, swaggering
6133"10." Things were stepping up.
6134Shortly this mill, which had been lagging way behind in production,
6135was turning out more work than any other mill in the plant.
6136The principle? 
6137Let Charles Schwab say it in his own words: "The way to get things
6138done," say Schwab, "is to stimulate competition. I do not mean in a
6139sordid, money-getting way, but in the desire to excel."
6140The desire to excel! The challenge! Throwing down the gauntlet! An
6141infallible way of appealing to people of spirit.
6142Without a challenge, Theodore Roosevelt would never have been
6143President of the United States. The Rough Rider, just back from
6144Cuba, was picked for governor of New York State. The opposition
6145discovered he was no longer a legal resident of the state, and
6146Roosevelt, frightened, wished to withdraw. Then Thomas Collier
6147Platt, then U.S. Senator from New York, threw down the challenge.
6148Turning suddenly on Theodore Roosevelt, he cried in a ringing voice:
6149"Is the hero of San Juan Hill a coward?"
6150Roosevelt stayed in the fight - and the rest is history. A challenge not
6151only changed his life; it had a real effect upon the future of his
6152nation.
6153"All men have fears, but the brave put down their fears and go
6154forward, sometimes to death, but always to victory" was the motto
6155of the King's Guard in ancient Greece. What greater challenge can be
6156offered than the opportunity to overcome those fears?
6157When Al Smith was governor of New York, he was up against it. Sing
6158Sing, at the time the most notorious pen-itentiary west of Devil's
6159Island, was without a warden. Scandals had been sweeping through
6160the pristin walls, scandals and ugly rumors. Smith needed a strong
6161man to rule Sing Sing - an iron man. But who? He sent for Lewis E.
6162Lawes of New Hampton.
6163"How about going up to take charge of Sing Sing?" he said jovially
6164when Lawes stood before him. "They need a man up there with
6165experience."
6166Lawes was flabbergasted. He knew the dangers of Sing Sing. It was
6167a political appointment, subject to the vagaries of political whims.
6168Wardens had come and gone - one had lasted only three weeks. He
6169had a career to consider. Was it worth the risk?
6170Then Smith, who saw his hesitation, leaned back in his chair and
6171smiled. "Young fellow," he said, "I don't blame you for being scared.
6172It's a tough spot. It'll take a big person to go up there and stay."
6173So Smith was throwing down a challenge, was he? Lawes liked the
6174idea of attempting a job that called for someone "big."
6175So he went. And he stayed. He stayed, to become the most famous
6176warden of his time. His book 20,000 Years in Sing Sing sold into the 
6177hundred of thousands of copies. His broadcasts on the air and his
6178stories of prison life have inspired dozens of movies. His
6179"humanizing" of criminals wrought miracles in the way of prison
6180reform.
6181"I have never found," said Harvey S. Firestone, founder of the great
6182Firestone Tire and Rubber Company, "that pay and pay alone would
6183either bring together or hold good people. I think it was the game
6184itself."
6185Frederic Herzberg, one of the great behavorial scientists, concurred.
6186He studied in depth the work attitudes of thousands of people
6187ranging from factory workers to senior executives. What do you think
6188he found to be the most motivating factor - the one facet of the jobs
6189that was most stimulating? Money? Good working conditions? Fringe
6190benefits? No - not any of those. The one major factor that motivated
6191people was the work itself. If the work was exciting and interesting,
6192the worker looked forward to doing it and was motivated to do a
6193good job.
6194That is what every successful person loves: the game. The chance
6195for self-expression. The chance to prove his or her worth, to excel, to
6196win. That is what makes foot-races and hog-calling and pie-eating
6197contests. The desire to excel. The desire for a feeling of importance.
6198• Principle 12 - Throw down a challenge.
6199In A Nutshell - Win People To Your Way Of Thinking
6200• Principle 1 The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid
6201it.
6202• Principle 2 Show respect for the other person's opinions. Never say,
6203"You're wrong."
6204• Principle 3 If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.
6205• Principle 4 Begin in a friendly way.
6206• Principle 5 Get the other person saying "yes, yes" immediately.
6207• Principle 6 Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.
6208• Principle 7 Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers.
6209• Principle 8 Try honestly to see things from the other person's point
6210of view.
6211• Principle 9 Be sympathetic with the other person's ideas and
6212desires.
6213• Principle 10 Appeal to the nobler motives.
6214• Principle 11 Dramatize your ideas.
6215• Principle 12 Throw down a challenge.
6216-----------------------
6217Part Four - Be a Leader: How to Change People Without Giving
6218Offense or Arousing Resentment 
62191 - If You Must Find Fault, This Is The Way To Begin
6220A friend of mine was a guest at the White House for a weekend
6221during the administration of Calvin Coolidge. Drifting into the
6222President's private office, he heard Coolidge say to one of his
6223secretaries, "That's a pretty dress you are wearing this morning, and
6224you are a very attractive young woman."
6225That was probably the most effusive praise Silent Cal had ever
6226bestowed upon a secretary in his life. It was so unusual, so
6227unexpected, that the secretary blushed in confusion. Then Coolidge
6228said, "Now, don't get stuck up. I just said that to make you feel
6229good. From now on, I wish you would be a little bit more careful with
6230your Punctuation."
6231His method was probably a bit obvious, but the psychology was
6232superb. It is always easier to listen to unpleasant things after we
6233have heard some praise of our good points.
6234A barber lathers a man before he shaves him; and that is precisely
6235what McKinley did back in 1896, when he was running for President.
6236One of the prominent Republicans of that day had written a
6237campaign speech that he felt was just a trifle better than Cicero and
6238Patrick Henry and Daniel Webster all rolled into one. With great glee,
6239this chap read his immortal speech aloud to McKinley. The speech
6240had its fine points, but it just wouldn't do. It would have raised a
6241tornado of criticism. McKinley didn't want to hurt the man's feelings.
6242He must not kill the man's splendid enthusiasm, and yet he had to
6243say "no." Note how adroitly he did it.
6244"My friend, that is a splendid speech, a magnificent speech,"
6245McKinley said. "No one could have prepared a better one. There are
6246many occasions on which it would be precisely the right thing to say,
6247but is it quite suitable to this particular occasion? Sound and sober as
6248it is from your standpoint, I must consider its effect from the party's
6249standpoint. Now you go home and write a speech along the lines I
6250indicate, and send me a copy of it."
6251He did just that. McKinley blue-penciled and helped him rewrite his
6252second speech, and he became one of the effective speakers of the
6253campaign.
6254Here is the second most famous letter that Abraham Lincoln ever
6255wrote. (His most famous one was written to Mrs. Bixby, expressing
6256his sorrow for the death of the five sons she had lost in battle.)
6257Lincoln probably dashed this letter off in five minutes; yet it sold at
6258public auction in 1926 for twelve thousand dollars, and that, by the
6259way, was more money than Lincoln was able to save during half a
6260century of hard work. The letter was written to General Joseph 
6261Hooker on April 26, 1863, during the darkest period of the Civil War.
6262For eighteen months, Lincoln's generals had been leading the Union
6263Army from one tragic defeat to another. Nothing but futile, stupid
6264human butchery. The nation was appalled. Thousands of soldiers
6265had deserted from the army, and en the Republican members of the
6266Senate had revolted and wanted to force Lincoln out of the White
6267House. "We are now on the brink of destruction," Lincoln said. It
6268appears to me that even the Almighty is against us. I can hardly see
6269a ray of hope." Such was the black sorrow and chaos out of which
6270this letter came.
6271I am printing the letter here because it shows how Lincoln tried to
6272change an obstreperous general when the very fate of the nation
6273could have depended upon the general's action.
6274This is perhaps the sharpest letter Abe Lincoln wrote after he
6275became President; yet you will note that he praised General Hooker
6276before he spoke of his grave faults.
6277Yes, they were grave faults, but Lincoln didn't call them that. Lincoln
6278was more conservative, more diplomatic. Lincoln wrote: "There are
6279some things in regard to which I am not quite satisfied with you."
6280Talk about tact! And diplomacy!
6281Here is the letter addressed to General Hooker:
6282I have placed you at the head of the Army of the Potomac. Of
6283course, I have done this upon what appears to me to be sufficient
6284reasons, and yet I think it best for you to know that there are some
6285things in regard to which I am not quite satisfied with you.
6286I believe you to be a brave and skillful soldier, which, of course, I
6287like. I also believe you do not mix politics with your profession, in
6288which you are right. You have confidence in yourself, which is a
6289valuable if not an indispensable quality.
6290You are ambitious, which, within reasonable bounds, does good
6291rather than harm, But I think that during General Burnside's
6292command of the army you have taken counsel of your ambition and
6293thwarted him as much as you could, in which you did a great wrong
6294to the country and to a most meritorious and honorable brother
6295officer.
6296I have heard, in such a way as to believe it, of your recently saying
6297that both the army and the Government needed a dictator. Of
6298course, it was not for this, but in spite of it, that I have given you
6299command. 
6300Only those generals who gain successes can set up as dictators.
6301What I now ask of you is military success and I will risk the
6302dictatorship.
6303The Government will support you to the utmost of its ability, which is
6304neither more nor less than it has done and will do for all
6305commanders. I much fear that the spirit which you have aided to
6306infuse into the army, of criticizing their commander and withholding
6307confidence from him, will now turn upon you. I shall assist you, as
6308far as I can, to put it down.
6309Neither you nor Napoleon, if he were alive again, could get any good
6310out of an army while such spirit prevails in it, and now beware of
6311rashness. Beware of rashness, but with energy and sleepless
6312vigilance go forward and give us victories.
6313You are not a Coolidge, a McKinley or a Lincoln. You want to know
6314whether this philosophy will operate for you in everyday business
6315contacts. Will it? Let's see. Let's take the case of W. P. Gaw of the
6316Wark Company, Philadelphia.
6317The Wark Company had contracted to build and complete a large
6318office building in Philadelphia by a certain specified date. Everything
6319was going along well; the building was almost finished, when
6320suddenly the sub-contractor making the ornamental bronze work to
6321go on the exterior of this building declared that he couldn't make
6322delivery on schedule. What! An entire building held up! Heavy
6323penalties! Distressing losses! All because of one man!
6324Long-distance telephone calls. Arguments! Heated conversations! All
6325in vain. Then Mr. Gaw was sent to New York to beard the bronze lion
6326in his den.
6327"Do you know you are the only person in Brooklyn with your name,?"
6328Mr Gaw asked the president of the subcontracting firm shortly after
6329they were introduced. The president was surprised. "No, I didn't
6330know that."
6331"Well," said Mr. Gaw, "when I got off the train this morning, I looked
6332in the telephone book to get your address, and you're the only
6333person in the Brooklyn phone book with your name."
6334"I never knew that," the subcontractor said. He checked the phone
6335book with interest. "Well, it's an unusual name," he said proudly. "My
6336family came from Holland and settled in New York almost two
6337hundred years ago. " He continued to talk about his family and his
6338ancestors for several minutes. When he finished that, Mr. Gaw
6339complimented him on how large a plant he had and compared it
6340favorably with a number of similar plants he had visited. "It is one of
6341the cleanest and neatest bronze factories I ever saw," said Gaw. 
6342"I've spent a lifetime building up this business," the subcontractor
6343said, "and I am rather proud of it. Would you like to take a look
6344around the factory?"
6345During this tour of inspection, Mr. Gaw complimented the other man
6346on his system of fabrication and told him how and why it seemed
6347superior to those of some of his competitors. Gaw commented on
6348some unusual machines, and the subcontractor announced that he
6349himself had invented those machines. He spent considerable time
6350showing Gaw how they operated and the superior work they turned
6351out. He insisted on taking his visitor to lunch. So far, mind you, not a
6352word had been said about the real purpose of Gaw's visit.
6353After lunch, the subcontractor said, "Now, to get down to business.
6354Naturally, I know why you're here. I didn't expect that our meeting
6355would be so enjoyable. You can go back to Philadelphia with my
6356promise that your material will be fabricated and shipped, even if
6357other orders have to be delayed."
6358Mr. Gaw got everything that he wanted without even asking for it.
6359The material arrived on time, and the building was completed on the
6360day the completion contract specified.
6361Would this have happened had Mr. Gaw used the hammer-anddynamite
6362method generally employed on such occasions?
6363Dorothy Wrublewski, a branch manager of the Fort Monmouth, New
6364Jersey, Federal Credit Union, reported to one of our classes how she
6365was able to help one of her employees become more productive.
6366"We recently hired a young lady as a teller trainee. Her contact with
6367our customers was very good. She was accurate and efficient in
6368handling individual transactions. The problem developed at the end
6369of the day when it was time to balance out.
6370"The head teller came to me and strongly suggested that I fire this
6371woman. 'She is holding up everyone else because she is so slow in
6372balancing out. I've shown her over and over, but she can't get it.
6373She's got to go.'
6374"The next day I observed her working quickly and accurately when
6375handling the normal everyday transactions, and she was very
6376pleasant with our customers.
6377"It didn't take long to discover why she had trouble balancing out.
6378After the office closed, I went over to talk with her. She was
6379obviously nervous and upset. I praised her for being so friendly and
6380outgoing with the customers and complimented her for the accuracy
6381and speed used in that work. I then suggested we review the 
6382procedure we use in balancing the cash drawer. Once she realized I
6383had confidence in her, she easily followed my suggestions and soon
6384mastered this function. We have had no problems with her since
6385then."
6386Beginning with praise is like the dentist who begins his work with
6387Novocain. The patient still gets a drilling, but the Novocain is painkilling.
6388A leader will use ...
6389• Principle 1 - Begin with praise and honest appreciation.
6390~~~~~~~
63912 - How To Criticize-And Not Be Hated For It
6392Charles Schwab was passing through one of his steel mills one day at
6393noon when he came across some of his employees smoking.
6394Immediately above their heads was a sign that said "No Smoking."
6395Did Schwab point to the sign and say, "Can't you read.? Oh, no not
6396Schwab. He walked over to the men, handed each one a cigar, and
6397said, "I'll appreciate it, boys, if you will smoke these on the outside."
6398They knew that he knew that they had broken a rule - and they
6399admired him because he said nothing about it and gave them a little
6400present and made them feel important. Couldn't keep from loving a
6401man like that, could you?
6402John Wanamaker used the same technique. Wanamaker used to
6403make a tour of his great store in Philadelphia every day. Once he
6404saw a customer waiting at a counter. No one was paying the
6405slightest attention to her. The salespeople? Oh, they were in a
6406huddle at the far end of the counter laughing and talking among
6407themselves. Wanamaker didn't say a word. Quietly slipping behind
6408the counter, he waited on the woman himself and then handed the
6409purchase to the salespeople to be wrapped as he went on his way.
6410Public officials are often criticized for not being accessible to their
6411constituents. They are busy people, and the fault sometimes lies in
6412overprotective assistants who don't want to overburden their bosses
6413with too many visitors. Carl Langford, who has been mayor of
6414Orlando,
6415Florida, the home of Disney World, for many years, frequently
6416admonished his staff to allow people to see him. clamed he had an
6417"open-door" policy; yet the citizens of his community were blocked
6418by secretaries and administrators when they called.
6419Finally the mayor found the solution. He removed the door from his
6420office! His aides got the message, and the mayor has had a truly
6421open administration since the day his door was symbolically thrown
6422away. 
6423Simply changing one three-letter word can often spell the difference
6424between failure and success in changing people without giving
6425offense or arousing resentment.
6426Many people begin their criticism with sincere praise followed by the
6427word "but" and ending with a critical statement. For example, in
6428trying to change a child's careless attitude toward studies, we might
6429say, "We're really proud of you, Johnnie, for raising your grades this
6430term. But if you had worked harder on your algebra, the results
6431would have been better."
6432In this case, Johnnie might feel encouraged until he heard the word
6433"but." He might then question the sincerity of the original praise. To
6434him, the praise seemed only to be a contrived lead-in to a critical
6435inference of failure. Credibility would be strained, and we probably
6436would not achieve our objectives of changing Johnnie's attitude
6437toward his studies.
6438This could be easily overcome by changing the word "but" to "and."
6439"We're really proud of you, Johnnie, for raiseing your grades this
6440term, and by continuing the same conscientious efforts next term,
6441your algebra grade can be up with all the others."
6442Now, Johnnie would accept the praise because there was no followup
6443of an inference of failure. We have called his attention to the
6444behavior we wished to change indirectly and the chances are he will
6445try to live up to our expectations.
6446Calling attention to one's mistakes indirectly works wonders with
6447sensitive people who may resent bitterly any direct criticism. Marge
6448Jacob of Woonsocket, Rhode Island, told one of our classes how she
6449convinced some sloppy construction workers to clean up after
6450themselves when they were building additions to her house.
6451For the first few days of the work, when Mrs. Jacob returned from
6452her job, she noticed that the yard was strewn with the cut ends of
6453lumber. She didn't want to antagonize the builders, because they did
6454excellent work. So after the workers had gone home, she and her
6455children picked up and neatly piled all the lumber debris in a corner.
6456The following morning she called the foreman to one side and said,
6457"I'm really pleased with the way the front lawn was left last night; it
6458is nice and clean and does not offend the neighbors." From that day
6459forward the workers picked up and piled the debris to one side, and
6460the foreman came in each day seeking approval of the condition the
6461lawn was left in after a day's work.
6462One of the major areas of controversy between members of the
6463army reserves and their regular army trainers is haircuts. The 
6464reservists consider themselves civilians (which they are most of the
6465time) and resent having to cut their hair short.
6466Master Sergeant Harley Kaiser of the 542nd USAR School addressed
6467himself to this problem when he was working with a group of reserve
6468noncommissioned officers. As an old-time regular-army master
6469sergeant, he might have been expected to yell at his troops and
6470threaten them. Instead he chose to make his point indirectly.
6471"Gentlemen," he started, "you are leaders. You will be most effective
6472when you lead by example. You must be the example for your men
6473to follow. You know what the army regulations say about haircuts. I
6474am going to get my hair cut today, although it is still much shorter
6475than some of yours. You look at yourself in the mirror, and if you feel
6476you need a haircut to be a good example, we'll arrange time for you
6477to visit the post barbership."
6478The result was predictable. Several of the candidates did look in the
6479mirror and went to the barbershop that afternoon and received
6480"regulation" haircuts. Sergeant Kaiser commented the next morning
6481that he already could see the development of leadership qualities in
6482some of the members of the squad.
6483On March 8, 1887, the eloquent Henry Ward Beecher died. The
6484following Sunday, Lyman Abbott was invited to speak in the pulpit
6485left silent by Beecher's passing. Eager to do his best, he wrote,
6486rewrote and polished his sermon with the meticulous care of a
6487Flaubert. Then he read it to his wife. It was poor - as most written
6488speeches are. She might have said, if she had had less judgment,
6489"Lyman, that is terrible. That'll never do. You'll put people to sleep. It
6490reads like an encyclopedia. You ought to know better than that after
6491all the years you have been preaching. For heaven's sake, why don't
6492you talk like a human being? Why don't you act natural? You'll
6493disgrace yourself if you ever read that stuff."
6494That's what she might have said. And, if she had, you know what
6495would have happened. And she knew too. So, she merely remarked
6496that it would make an excellent article for the North American
6497Review. In other words, she praised it and at the same time subtly
6498suggested that it wouldn't do as a speech. Lyman Abbott saw the
6499point, tore up his carefully prepared manuscript and preached
6500without even using notes.
6501An effective way to correct others' mistakes is ...
6502• Principle 2 - Call attention to people's mistakes indirectly.
6503~~~~~~~
65043 - Talk About Your Own Mistakes First 
6505My niece, Josephine Carnegie, had come to New York to be my
6506secretary. She was nineteen, had graduated from high school three
6507years previously, and her business experience was a trifle more than
6508zero. She became one of the most proficient secretaries west of
6509Suez, but in the beginning, she was - well, susceptible to
6510improvement. One day when I started to criticize her, I said to
6511myself: "Just a minute, Dale Carnegie; just a minute. You are twice
6512as old as Josephine. You have had ten thousand times as much
6513business experience. How can you possibly expect her to have your
6514viewpoint, your judgment, your initiative - mediocre though they
6515may be? And just a minute, Dale, what were you doing at nineteen?
6516Remember the asinine mistakes and blunders you made? Remember
6517the time you did this ... and that ... ?"
6518After thinking the matter over, honestly and impartially, I concluded
6519that Josephine's batting average at nineteen was better than mine
6520had been - and that, I'm sorry to confess, isn't paying Josephine
6521much of a compliment.
6522So after that, when I wanted to call Josephine's attention to a
6523mistake, I used to begin by saying, "You have made a mistake,
6524Josephine, but the Lord knows, it's no worse than many I have
6525made. You were not born with judgment. That comes only with
6526experience, and you are better than I was at your age. I have been
6527guilty of so many stupid, silly things myself, I have very little incliion
6528to criticize you or anyone. But don't you think it would have been
6529wiser if you had done so and so?"
6530It isn't nearly so difficult to listen to a recital of your faults if the
6531person criticizing begins by humbly admitting that he, too, is far from
6532impeccable.
6533E.G. Dillistone, an engineer in Brandon, Manitoba, Canada, was
6534having problems with his new secretary. Letters he dictated were
6535coming to his desk for signature with two or three spelling mistakes
6536per page. Mr. Dillistone reported how he handled this:
6537"Like many engineers, I have not been noted for my excellent
6538English or spelling. For years I have kept a little black thumb - index
6539book for words I had trouble spelling. When it became apparent that
6540merely pointing out the errors was not going to cause my secretary
6541to do more proofreading and dictionary work, I resolved to take
6542another approach. When the next letter came to my attention that
6543had errors in it, I sat down with the typist and said:
6544" 'Somehow this word doesn't look right. It's one of the words I
6545always have had trouble with. That's the reason I started this
6546spelling book of mine. [I opened the book to the appropriate page.]
6547Yes, here it is. I'm very conscious of my spelling now because people 
6548do judge us by our letters and misspellings make us look less
6549professional.
6550"I don't know whether she copied my system or not, but since that
6551conversation, her frequency of spelling errors has been significantly
6552reduced."
6553The polished Prince Bernhard von BÑŒlow learned the sharp necessity
6554of doing this back in 1909. Von BÑŒlow was then the Imperial
6555Chancellor of Germany, and on the throne sat Wilhelm II-Wilhelm,
6556the haughty; Wilhelm the arrogant; Wilhelm, the last of the German
6557Kaisers, building an army and navy that he boasted could whip their
6558weight in wildcats
6559Then an astonishing thing happened. The Kaiser said things,
6560incredible things, things that rocked the continent and started a
6561series of explosions heard around the world. To make matters
6562infinitely worse, the Kaiser made silly, egotistical, absurd
6563announcements in public, he made them while he was a guest in
6564England, and he gave his royal permission to have them printed in
6565the Daily Telegraph. For example, he declared that he was the only
6566German who felt friendly toward the English; that he was
6567constructing a navy against the menace of Japan; that he, and he
6568alone, had saved England from being humbled in the dust by Russia
6569and France; that it had been his campaign plan that enabled
6570England's Lord Roberts to defeat the Boers in South Africa; and so
6571on and on.
6572No other such amazing words had ever fallen from the lips of a
6573European king in peacetime within a hundred years. The entire
6574continent buzzed with the fury of a hornet's nest. England was
6575incensed. German statesmen were aghast. And in the midst of all
6576this consternation, the Kaiser became panicky and suggested to
6577Prince von BÑŒlow, the Imperial Chancellor, that he take the blame.
6578Yes, he wanted von BÑŒlow to announce that it was all his
6579responsibility, that he had advised his monarch to say these
6580incredible things.
6581"But Your Majesty," von BÑŒlow protested, "it seems to me utterly
6582impossible that anybody either in Germany or England could suppose
6583me capable of having advised Your Majesty to say any such thing."
6584The moment those words were out of von BÑŒlow's mouth, he
6585realized he had made a grave mistake. The Kaiser blew up.
6586"You consider me a donkey," he shouted, "capable of blunders you
6587yourself could never have committed!" 
6588Von BÑŒlow's knew that he ought to have praised before he
6589condemned; but since that was too late, he did the next best thing.
6590He praised after he had criticized. And it worked a miracle.
6591"I'm far from suggesting that," he answered respectfully. "Your
6592Majesty surpasses me in manv respects; not only of course, in naval
6593and military knowledge but above all, in natural science. I have often
6594listened in admiration when Your Majesty explained the barometer,
6595or wireless telegraphy, or the Roentgen rays. I am shamefully
6596ignorant of all branches of natural science, have no notion of
6597chemistry or physics, and am quite incapable of explaining the
6598simplest of natural phenomena. But," von BÑŒllow continued, "in
6599compensation, I possess some historical knowledge and perhaps
6600certain qualities useful in politics, especially in diplomacy."
6601The Kaiser beamed. Von Bulow had praised him. Von BÑŒlow had
6602exalted him and humbled himself. The Kaiser could forgive anything
6603after that. "Haven't I always told you," he exclaimed with
6604enthusiasm, "that we complete one another famously? We should
6605stick together, and we will!"
6606He shook hands with von BÑŒlow, not once, but several times. And
6607later in the day he waxed so enthusiastic that he exclaimed with
6608doubled fists, "If anyone says anything to me against Prince von
6609BÑŒlow, I shall punch him in the nose."
6610Von BÑŒlow saved himself in time - but, canny diplomat that he was,
6611he nevertheless had made one error: he should have begun by
6612talking about his own shortcomings and Wilhelm's superiority - not
6613by intimating that the Kaiser was a half-wit in need of a guardian.
6614If a few sentences humbling oneself and praising the other party can
6615turn a haughty, insulted Kaiser into a staunch friend, imagine what
6616humility and praise can do for you and me in our daily contacts.
6617Rightfully used, they will work veritable miracles in human relations.
6618Admitting one's own mistakes - even when one hasn't corrected
6619them - can help convince somebody to change his behavior. This
6620was illustrated more recently by Clarence Zerhusen of Timonium,
6621Maryland, when he discovered his fifteen-year-old son was
6622experimenting with cigarettes.
6623"Naturally, I didn't want David to smoke," Mr. Zerhusen told us, "but
6624his mother and I smoked cigarettes; we were giving him a bad
6625example all the time. I explained to Dave how I started smoking at
6626about his age and how the nicotine had gotten the best of me and
6627now it was nearly impossible for me to stop. I reminded him how
6628irritating my cough was and how he had been after me to give up
6629cigarettes not many years before. 
6630"I didn't exhort him to stop or make threats or warn him about their
6631dangers. All I did was point out how I was hooked on cigarettes and
6632what it had meant to me.
6633"He thought about it for a while and decided he wouldn't smoke until
6634he had graduated from high school. As the years went by David
6635never did start smoking and has no intention of ever doing so.
6636"As a result of that conversation I made the decision to stop smoking
6637cigarettes myself, and with the support of my family, I have
6638succeeded."
6639A good leader follows this principle:
6640• Principle 3 - Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the
6641other person.
6642~~~~~~~
66434 - No One Likes To Take Orders
6644I once had the pleasure of dining with Miss Ida Tarbell, the dean of
6645American biographers. When I told her I was writing this book, we
6646began discussing this all-important subject of getting along with
6647people, and she told me that while she was writing her biography of
6648Owen D. Young, she interviewed a man who had sat for three years
6649in the same office with Mr. Young. This man declared that during all
6650that time he had never heard Owen D. Young give a direct order to
6651anyone. He always gave suggestions, not orders. Owen D. Young
6652never said, for example, "Do this or do that," or "Don't do this or
6653don't do that." He would say, "You might consider this," or "Do you
6654think that would work?" Frequently he would say, after he had
6655dictated a letter, "What do you think of this?" In looking over a letter
6656of one of his assistants, he would say, "Maybe if we were to phrase it
6657this way it would be better." He always gave people the opportunity
6658to do things themselves; he never told his assistants to do things; he
6659let them do them, let them learn from their mistakes.
6660A technique like that makes it easy for a person to correct errors. A
6661technique like that saves a person's pride and gives him or her a
6662feeling of importance. It encourages cooperation instead of rebellion.
6663Resentment caused by a brash order may last a long time -even if
6664the order was given to correct an obviously bad situation. Dan
6665Santarelli, a teacher at a vocational school in Wyoming,
6666Pennsylvania, told one of our classes how one of his students had
6667blocked the entrance way to one of the school's shops by illegally
6668parking his car in it. One of the other instructors stormed into the
6669classroom and asked in an arrogant tone, "Whose car is blocking the
6670driveway?" When the student who owned the car responded, the 
6671instructor screamed: "Move that car and move it right now, or I'll
6672wrap a chain around it and drag it out of there."
6673Now that student was wrong. The car should not have been parked
6674there. But from that day on, not only did that student resent the
6675instructor's action, but all the students in the class did everything
6676they could to give the instructor a hard time and make his job
6677unpleasant.
6678How could he have handled it differently? If he had asked in a
6679friendly way, "Whose car is in the driveway?" and then suggested
6680that if it were moved, other cars could get in and out, the student
6681would have gladly moved it and neither he nor his classmates would
6682have been upset and resentful.
6683Asking questions not only makes an order more palatable; it often
6684stimulates the creativity of the persons whom you ask. People are
6685more likely to accept an order if they have had a part in the decision
6686that caused the order to be issued.
6687When Ian Macdonald of Johannesburg, South Africa, the general
6688manager of a small manufacturing plant specializing in precision
6689machine parts, had the opportunity to accept a very large order, he
6690was convinced that he would not meet the promised delivery date.
6691The work already scheduled in the shop and the short completion
6692time needed for this order made it seem impossible for him to accept
6693the order.
6694Instead of pushing his people to accelerate their work and rush the
6695order through, he called everybody together, explained the situation
6696to them, and told them how much it would mean to the company
6697and to them if they could make it possible to produce the order on
6698time. Then he started asking questions:
6699"Is there anything we can do to handle this order?"
6700"Can anyone think of different ways to process it through the shop
6701that will make it possible to take the order?"
6702"Is there any way to adjust our hours or personnel assignments that
6703would help?"
6704The employees came up with many ideas and insisted that he take
6705the order. They approached it with a "We can do it" attitude, and the
6706order was accepted, produced and delivered on time.
6707An effective leader will use ...
6708• Principle 4 - Ask questions instead of giving direct orders. 
6709~~~~~~~
67105 - Let The Other Person Save Face
6711Years ago the General Electric Company was faced with the delicate
6712task of removing Charles Steinmetz from the head of a department.
6713Steinmetz, a genius of the first magnitude when it came to
6714electricity, was a failure as the head of the calculating department.
6715Yet the company didn't dare offend the man. He was indispensable -
6716and highly sensitive. So they gave him a new title. They made him
6717Consulting Engineer of the General Electric Company - a new title for
6718work he was already doing -and let someone else head up the
6719department.
6720Steinmetz was happy.
6721So were the officers of G.E. They had gently maneuvered their most
6722temperamental star, and they had done it without a storm - by
6723letting him save face.
6724Letting one save face! How important, how vitally important that is!
6725And how few of us ever stop to think of it! We ride roughshod over
6726the feelings of others, getting our own way, finding fault, issuing
6727threats, criticizing a child or an employee in front of others, without
6728even considering the hurt to the other person's pride. Whereas a few
6729minutes' thought, a considerate word or two, a genuine
6730understanding of the other person's attitude, would go so far toward
6731alleviating the sting!
6732Let's remember that the next time we are faced with the distasteful
6733necessity of discharging or reprimanding an employee.
6734"Firing employees is not much fun. Getting fired is even less fun."
6735(I'm quoting now from a letter written me by Marshall A. Granger, a
6736certified public accountant.) "Our business is mostly seasonal.
6737Therefore we have to let a lot of people go after the income tax rush
6738is over.
6739It's a byword in our profession that no one enjoys wielding the ax.
6740Consequently, the custom has developed of getting it over as soon
6741as possible, and usually in the following way: 'Sit down, Mr. Smith.
6742The season's over, and we don't seem to see any more assignments
6743for you. Of course, you understood you were only employed for the
6744busy season anyhow, etc., etc.'
6745"The effect on these people is one of disappointment and a feeling of
6746being 'let down.' Most of them are in the accounting field for life, and
6747they retain no particular love for the firm that drops them so
6748casually. 
6749"I recently decided to let our seasonal personnel go with a little more
6750tact and consideration. So I call each one in only after carefully
6751thinking over his or her work during the winter. And I've said
6752something like this: 'Mr. Smith, you've done a fine job (if he has).
6753That time we sent you to Newark, you had a tough assignment. You
6754were on the spot, but you came through with flying colors, and we
6755want you to know the firm is proud of you. You've got the stuff -
6756you're going a long way, wherever you're working. This firm believes
6757in you, and is rooting for you, and we don't want you to forget it.'
6758"Effect? The people go away feeling a lot better about being fired.
6759They don't feel 'let down.' They know if we had work for them, we'd
6760keep them on. And when we need them again, they come to us with
6761a keen personal affection."
6762At one session of our course, two class members discussed the
6763negative effects of faultfinding versus the positive effects of letting
6764the other person save face.
6765Fred Clark of Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, told of an incident that
6766occurred in his company: "At one of our production meetings, a vice
6767president was asking very pointed questions of one of our production
6768supervisors regarding a production process. His tone of voice was
6769aggressive and aimed at pointing out faulty performance on the part
6770of the supervisor. Not wanting to be embarrassed in front of his
6771peers, the supervisor was evasive in his responses. This caused the
6772vice president to lose his temper, berate the supervisor and accuse
6773him of lying.
6774"Any working relationship that might have existed prior to this
6775encounter was destroyed in a few brief moments. This supervisor,
6776who was basically a good worker, was useless to our company from
6777that time on. A few months later he left our firm and went to work
6778for a competitor, where I understand he is doing a fine job."
6779Another class member, Anna Mazzone, related how a similar incident
6780had occurred at her job - but what a difference in approach and
6781results! Ms. Mazzone, a marketing specialist for a food packer, was
6782given her first major assignment - the test-marketing of a new
6783product. She told the class: "When the results of the test came in, I
6784was devastated. I had made a serious error in my planning, and the
6785entire test had to be done all over again. To make this worse, I had
6786no time to discuss it with my boss before the meeting in which I was
6787to make my report on the project.
6788"When I was called on to give the report, I was shaking with fright. I
6789had all I could do to keep from breaking down, but I resolved I
6790would not cry and have all those men make remarks about women
6791not being able to handle a management job because they are too
6792emotional. I made my report briefly and stated that due to an error I 
6793would repeat the study before the next meeting. I sat down,
6794expecting my boss to blow up.
6795"Instead, he thanked me for my work and remarked that it was not
6796unusual for a person to make an error on a new project and that he
6797had confidence that the repeat survey would be accurate and
6798meaningful to the company. He Assured me, in front of all my
6799colleagues, that he had faith in me and I knew I had done my best,
6800and that my lack of experience, not my lack of ability, was the
6801reason for the failure.
6802I left that meeting with my head in the air and with the
6803determination that I would never let that boss of mine down again."
6804Even if we are right and the other person is definitely wrong, we only
6805destroy ego by causing someone to lose face. The legendary French
6806aviation pioneer and author Antoine de Saint-Exupйry wrote: "I have
6807no right to say or do anything that diminishes a man in his own eyes.
6808What matters is not what I think of him, but what he thinks of
6809himself. Hurting a man in his dignity is a crime."
6810A real leader will always follow ...
6811• Principle 5 - Let the other person save face.
6812~~~~~~~
68136 - How To Spur People On To Success
6814Pete Barlow was an old friend of mine. He had a dog-and-pony act
6815and spent his life traveling with circuses and vaudeville shows. I
6816loved to watch Pete train new dogs for his act. I noticed that the
6817moment a dog showed the slightest improvement, Pete patted and
6818praised him and gave him meat and made a great to-do about it.
6819That's nothing new. Animal trainers have been using that same
6820technique for centuries.
6821Why, I wonder, don't we use the same common sense when trying
6822to change people that we use when trying to change dogs? Why
6823don't we use meat instead of a whip? Why don't we use praise
6824instead of condemnation? Let us praise even the slightest
6825improvement. That inspires the other person to keep on improving.
6826In his book I Ain't Much, Baby-But I'm All I Got, the psychologist Jess
6827Lair comments: "Praise is like sunlight to the warm human spirit; we
6828cannot flower and grow without it. And yet, while most of us are only
6829too ready to apply to others the cold wind of criticism, we are
6830somehow reluctant to give our fellow the warm sunshine of praise."
6831(*) 
6832----
6833[*] Jess Lair, I Ain't Much, Baby - But I'm All I Got (Greenwich,
6834Conn.: Fawcett, 1976), p.248.
6835----
6836I can look back at my own life and see where a few words of praise
6837have sharply changed my entire future. Can't you say the same thing
6838about your life? History is replete with striking illustrations of the
6839sheer witchery raise.
6840For example, many years ago a boy of ten was working in a factory
6841in Naples, He longed to be a singer, but his first teacher discouraged
6842him. "You can't sing," he said. "You haven't any voice at all. It
6843sounds like the wind in the shutters."
6844But his mother, a poor peasant woman, put her arms about him and
6845praised him and told him she knew he could sing, she could already
6846see an improvement, and she went barefoot in order to save money
6847to pay for his music lessons. That peasant mother's praise and
6848encouragement changed that boy's life. His name was Enrico Caruso,
6849and he became the greatest and most famous opera singer of his
6850age.
6851In the early nineteenth century, a young man in London aspired to
6852be a writer. But everything seemed to be against him. He had never
6853been able to attend school more than four years. His father had been
6854flung in jail because he couldn't pay his debts, and this young man
6855often knew the pangs of hunger. Finally, he got a job pasting labels
6856on bottles of blacking in a rat-infested warehouse, and he slept at
6857night in a dismal attic room with two other boys - guttersnipes from
6858the slums of London. He had so little confidence in his ability to write
6859that he sneaked out and mailed his first manuscript in the dead of
6860night so nobody would laugh at him. Story after story was refused.
6861Finally the great day came when one was accepted. True, he wasn't
6862paid a shilling for it, but one editor had praised him. One editor had
6863given him recognition. He was so thrilled that he wandered aimlessly
6864around the streets with tears rolling down his cheeks.
6865The praise, the recognition, that he received through getting one
6866story in print, changed his whole life, for if it hadn't been for that
6867encouragement, he might have spent his entire life working in ratinfested
6868factories. You may have heard of that boy. His name was
6869Charles Dickens.
6870Another boy in London made his living as a clerk in a dry-goods
6871store. He had to get up at five o'clock, sweep out the store, and
6872slave for fourteen hours a day. It was sheer drudgery and he 
6873despised it. After two years, he could stand it no longer, so he got up
6874one morning and, without waiting for breakfast, tramped fifteen
6875miles to talk to his mother, who was working as a housekeeper.
6876He was frantic. He pleaded with her. He wept. He swore he would
6877kill himself if he had to remain in the shop any longer. Then he wrote
6878a long, pathetic letter to his old schoolmaster, declaring that he was
6879heartbroken, that he no longer wanted to live. His old schoolmaster
6880gave him a little praise and assured him that he really was very
6881intelligent and fitted for finer things and offered him a job as a
6882teacher.
6883That praise changed the future of that boy and made a lasting
6884impression on the history of English literature. For that boy went on
6885to write innumerable best-selling books and made over a million
6886dollars with his pen. You've probably heard of him. His name: H. G.
6887Wells.
6888Use of praise instead of criticism is the basic concept of B.F.
6889Skinner's teachings. This great contemporary psychologist has shown
6890by experiments with animals and with humans that when criticism is
6891minimized and praise emphasized, the good things people do will be
6892reinforced and the poorer things will atrophy for lack of attention.
6893John Ringelspaugh of Rocky Mount, North Carolina, used this in
6894dealing with his children. It seemed that, as in so many families,
6895mother and dad's chief form of communication with the children was
6896yelling at them. And, as in so many cases, the children became a
6897little worse rather than better after each such session - and so did
6898the parents. There seemed to be no end in sight for this problem.
6899Mr. Ringelspaugh determined to use some of the principles he was
6900learning in our course to solve this situation. He reported: "We
6901decided to try praise instead of harping on their faults. It wasn't easy
6902when all we could see were the negative things they were doing; it
6903was really tough to find things to praise. We managed to find
6904something, and within the first day or two some of the really
6905upsetting things they were doing quit happening. Then some of their
6906other faults began to disappear. They began capitalizing on the
6907praise we were giving them. They even began going out of their way
6908to do things right. Neither of us could believe it. Of course, it didn't
6909last forever, but the norm reached after things leveled off was so
6910much better. It was no longer necessary to react the way we used
6911to. The children were doing far more right things than wrong ones."
6912All of this was a result of praising the slightest improvement in the
6913children rather than condemning everything they did wrong.
6914This works on the job too. Keith Roper of Woodland Hills, California,
6915applied this principle to a situation in his company. Some material
6916came to him in his print shop which was of exceptionally high 
6917quality. The printer who had done this job was a new employee who
6918had been having difficulty adjusting to the job. His supervisor was
6919upset about what he considered a negative attitude and was
6920seriously thinking of terminating his services.
6921When Mr. Roper was informed of this situation, he personally went
6922over to the print shop and had a talk with the young man. He told
6923him how pleased he was with the work he had just received and
6924pointed out it was the best work he had seen produced in that shop
6925for some time. He pointed out exactly why it was superior and how
6926important the young man's contribution was to the company,
6927Do you think this affected that young printer's attitude toward the
6928company? Within days there was a complete turnabout. He told
6929several of his co-workers about the conversation and how someone
6930in the company really appreciated good work. And from that day on,
6931he was a loyal and dedicated worker.
6932What Mr. Roper did was not just flatter the young printer and say
6933"You're good." He specifically pointed out how his work was superior.
6934Because he had singled out a specific accomplishment, rather than
6935just making general flattering remarks, his praise became much
6936more meaningful to the person to whom it was given. Everybody
6937likes to be praised, but when praise is specific, it comes across as
6938sincere - not something the other person may be saying just to make
6939one feel good.
6940Remember, we all crave appreciation and recognition, and will do
6941almost anything to get it. But nobody wants insincerity. Nobody
6942wants flattery.
6943Let me repeat: The principles taught in this book will work only when
6944they come from the heart. I am not advocating a bag of tricks. I am
6945talking about a new way of life.
6946Talk about changing people. If you and I will inspire the people with
6947whom we come in contact to a realization of the hidden treasures
6948they possess, we can do far more than change people. We can
6949literally transform them.
6950Exaggeration? Then listen to these sage words from William James,
6951one of the most distinguished psychologists and philosophers
6952America has ever produced:
6953Compared with what we ought to be, we are only half awake. We
6954are making use of only a small part of our physical and mental
6955resources. Stating the thing broadly, the human individual thus lives
6956far within his limits. He possesses powers of various sorts which he
6957habitually fails to use. 
6958Yes, you who are reading these lines possess powers of various sorts
6959which you habitually fail to use; and one of these powers you are
6960probably not using to the fullest extent is your magic ability to praise
6961people and inspire them with a realization of their latent possibilities.
6962Abilities wither under criticism; they blossom under encouragement.
6963To become a more effective leader of people, apply ...
6964• Principle 6 - Praise the slightest improvement and praise every
6965improvement. Be "hearty in your approbation and lavish in your
6966praise."
6967~~~~~~~
69687 - Give A Dog A Good Name
6969What do you do when a person who has been a good worker begins
6970to turn in shoddy work? You can fire him or her, but that really
6971doesn't solve anything. You can berate the worker, but this usually
6972causes resentment. Henry Henke, a service manager for a large
6973truck dealership in Lowell, Indiana, had a mechanic whose work had
6974become less than satisfactory. Instead of bawling him out or
6975threatening him, Mr. Henke called him into his office and had a
6976heart-to-heart talk with him.
6977"Bill," he said, "you are a fine mechanic. You have been in this line of
6978work for a good number of years. You have repaired many vehicles
6979to the customers' satisfaction. In fact, we've had a number of
6980compliments about the good work you have done. Yet, of late, the
6981time you take to complete each job has been increasing and your
6982work has not been up to your own old standards. Because you have
6983been such an outstanding mechanic in the past, I felt sure you would
6984want to know that I am not happy with this situation, and perhaps
6985jointly we could find some way to correct the problem."
6986Bill responded that he hadn't realized he had been falling down in his
6987duties and assured his boss that the work he was getting was not
6988out of his range of expertise and he would try to improve in the
6989future.
6990Did he do it? You can be sure he did. He once again became a fast
6991and thorough mechanic. With that reputation Mr. Henke had given
6992him to live up to, how could he do anything else but turn out work
6993comparable to that which he had done in the past.
6994"The average person," said Samuel Vauclain, then president of the
6995Baldwin Locomotive Works, "can be led readily if you have his or her
6996respect and if you show that you respect that person for some kind
6997of ability." 
6998In short, if you want to improve a person in a certain spect, act as
6999though that particular trait were already one of his or her
7000outstanding characteristics. Shakespeare said "Assume a virtue, if
7001you have it not." And it might be well to assume and state openly
7002that other people have the virtue you want them to develop. Give
7003them a fine reputation to live up to, and they will make prodigious
7004efforts rather than see you disillusioned.
7005Georgette Leblanc, in her book Souvenirs, My Life with Maeterlinck,
7006describes the startling transformation of a humble Belgian Cinderella.
7007 "A servant girl from a neighboring hotel brought my meals," she
7008wrote. "She was called 'Marie the Dish washer' because she had
7009started her career as a scullery assistant. She was a kind of monster,
7010cross-eyed, bandylegged, poor in flesh and spirit.
7011 "One day, while she was holding my plate of macaroni in her red
7012hand, I said to her point-blank, 'Marie, you do not know what
7013treasures are within you.'
7014"Accustomed to holding back her emotion, Marie waited a few
7015moments, not daring to risk the slightest gesture for fear of a
7016castastrophe. Then she put the dish on the table, sighed and said
7017ingenuously, 'Madame, I would never have believed it.' She did not
7018doubt, she did not ask a question. She simply went back to the
7019kitchen and repeated what I had said, and such is the force of faith
7020that no one made fun of her. From that day on, she was even given
7021a certain consideration. But the most curious change of all occurred
7022in the humble Marie herself. Believing she was the tabernacle of
7023unseen marvels, she began taking care of her face and body so
7024carefully that her starved youth seemed to bloom and modestly hide
7025her plainness.
7026"Two months later, she announced her coming marriage with the
7027nephew of the chef. 'I'm going to be a lady,' she said, and thanked
7028me. A small phrase had changed her entire life."
7029Georgette Leblanc had given "Marie the Dishwasher" a reputation to
7030live up to - and that reputation had transformed her.
7031Bill Parker, a sales representative for a food company in Daytona
7032Beach, Florida, was very excited about the new line of products his
7033company was introducing and was upset when the manager of a
7034large independent food market turned down the opportunity to carry
7035it in his store. Bill brooded all day over this rejection and decided to
7036return to the store before he went home that evening and try again.
7037"Jack," he said, "since I left this morning I realized I hadn't given you
7038the entire picture of our new line, and I would appreciate some of
7039your time to tell you about the points I omitted. I have respected the 
7040fact that you are always willing to listen and are big enough to
7041change your mind when the facts warrant a change."
7042Could Jack refuse to give him another hearing? Not with that
7043reputation to live up to.
7044One morning Dr. Martin Fitzhugh, a dentist in Dublin, Ireland, was
7045shocked when one of his patients pointed out to him that the metal
7046cup holder which she was using to rinse her mouth was not very
7047clean. True, the patient drank from the paper cup, not the holder,
7048but it certainly was not professional to use tarnished equipment.
7049When the patient left, Dr. Fitzhugh retreated to his private office to
7050write a note to Bridgit, the charwoman, who came twice a week to
7051clean his office. He wrote:
7052My dear Bridgit,
7053I see you so seldom, I thought I'd take the time to thank you for the
7054fine job of cleaning you've been doing. By the way, I thought I'd
7055mention that since two hours, twice a week, is a very limited amount
7056of time, please feel free to work an extra half hour from time to time
7057if you feel you need to do those "once-in-a-while" things like
7058polishing the cup holders and the like. I, of course, will pay you for
7059the extra time.
7060"The next day, when I walked into my office," Dr. Fitzhugh reported,
7061"My desk had been polished to a mirror-like finish, as had my chair,
7062which I nearly slid out of. When I went into the treatment room I
7063found the shiniest, cleanest chrome-plated cup holder I had ever
7064seen nestled in its receptacle. I had given my char-woman a fine
7065reputation to live up to, and because of this small gesture she
7066outperformed all her past efforts. How much additional time did she
7067spend on this? That's right-none at all ."
7068There is an old saying: "Give a dog a bad name and you may as well
7069hang him." But give him a good name - and see what happens!
7070When Mrs. Ruth Hopkins, a fourth-grade teacher in Brooklyn, New
7071York, looked at her class roster the first day of school, her
7072excitement and joy of starting a new term was tinged with anxiety.
7073In her class this year she would have Tommy T., the school's most
7074notorious "bad boy." His third-grade teacher had constantly
7075complained about Tommy to colleagues, the principal and anyone
7076else who would listen. He was not just mischievous; he caused
7077serious discipline problems in the class, picked fights with the boys,
7078teased the girls, was fresh to the teacher, and seemed to get worse
7079as he grew older. His only redeeming feature was his ability to learn
7080rapidly and master the-school work easily. 
7081Mrs. Hopkins decided to face the "Tommy problem" immediately.
7082When she greeted her new students, she made little comments to
7083each of them: "Rose, that's a pretty dress you are wearing," "Alicia, I
7084hear you draw beautifully." When she came to Tommy, she looked
7085him straight in the eyes and said, "Tommy, I understand you are a
7086natural leader. I'm going to depend on you to help me make this
7087class the best class in the fourth grade this year." She reinforced this
7088over the first few days by complimenting Tommy on everything he
7089did and commenting on how this showed what a good student he
7090was. With that reputation to live up to, even a nine-year-old couldn't
7091let her down - and he didn't.
7092If you want to excel in that difficult leadership role of changing the
7093attitude or behavior of others, use ...
7094• Principle 7 - Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.
7095~~~~~~~
70968 - Make The Fault Seem Easy To Correct
7097A bachelor friend of mine, about forty years old, became engaged,
7098and his fiancйe persuaded him to take some belated dancing lessons.
7099"The Lord knows I needed dancing lessons," he confessed as he told
7100me the story, "for I danced just as I did when I first started twenty
7101years ago. The first teacher I engaged probably told me the truth.
7102She said I was all wrong; I would just have to forget everything and
7103begin all over again. But that took the heart out of me. I had no
7104incentive to go on. So I quit her.
7105"The next teacher may have been lying, but I liked it. She said
7106nonchalantly that my dancing was a bit old-fashioned perhaps, but
7107the fundamentals were all right, and she assured me I wouldn't have
7108any trouble learning a few new steps. The first teacher had
7109discouraged me by emphasizing my mistakes. This new teacher did
7110the opposite. She kept praising the things I did right and minimizing
7111my errors. 'You have a natural sense of rhythm,' she assured me.
7112'You really are a natural-born dancer.' Now my common sense tells
7113me that I always have been and always will be a fourth-rate dancer;
7114yet, deep in my heart, I still like to think that maybe she meant it. To
7115be sure, I was paying her to say it; but why bring that up?
7116"At any rate, I know I am a better dancer than I would have been if
7117she hadn't told me I had a natural sense of rhythm. That encouraged
7118me. That gave me hope. That made me want to improve."
7119Tell your child, your spouse, or your employee that he or she is
7120stupid or dumb at a certain thing, has no gift for it, and is doing it all
7121wrong, and you have destroyed almost every incentive to try to
7122improve. But use the opposite technique - be liberal with your 
7123encouragement, make the thing seem easy to do, let the other
7124person know that you have faith in his ability to do it, that he has an
7125undeveloped flair for it - and he will practice until the dawn comes in
7126the window in order to excel.
7127Lowell Thomas, a superb artist in human relations, used this
7128technique, He gave you confidence, inspired you with courage and
7129faith. For example, I spent a weekend with Mr. and Mrs. Thomas;
7130and on Saturday night, I was asked to sit in on a friendly bridge
7131game before a roaring fire. Bridge? Oh, no! No! No! Not me. I knew
7132nothing about it. The game had always been a black mystery to me,
7133No! No! Impossible!
7134"Why, Dale, it is no trick at all," Lowell replied. "There is nothing to
7135bridge except memory and judgment. You've written articles on
7136memory. Bridge will be a cinch for you. It's right up your alley."
7137And presto, almost before I realized what I was doing, I found
7138myself for the first time at a bridge table. All because I was told I
7139had a natural flair for it and the game was made to seem easy.
7140Speaking of bridge reminds me of Ely Culbertson, whose books on
7141bridge have been translated into a dozen languages and have sold
7142more than a million copies. Yet he told me he never would have
7143made a profession out of the game if a certain young woman hadn't
7144assured him he had a flair for it.
7145When he came to America in 1922, he tried to get a job teaching in
7146philosophy and sociology, but he couldn't. Then he tried selling coal,
7147and he failed at that
7148Then he tried selling coffee, and he failed at that, too.
7149He had played some bridge, but it had never occurred to him in
7150those days that someday he would teach it. He was not only a poor
7151card player, but he was also very stubborn. He asked so many
7152questions and held so many post-mortem examinations that no one
7153wanted to play with him.
7154Then he met a pretty bridge teacher, Josephine Dillon, fell in love
7155and married her. She noticed how carefully he analyzed his cards
7156and persuaded him that he was a potential genius at the card table.
7157It was that encouragement and that alone, Culbertson told me, that
7158caused him to make a profession of bridge.
7159Clarence M. Jones, one of the instructors of our course in Cincinnati,
7160Ohio, told how encouragement and making faults seem easy to
7161correct completely changed the life of his son. 
7162"In 1970 my son David, who was then fifteen years old, came to live
7163with me in Cincinnati. He had led a rough life. In 1958 his head was
7164cut open in a car accident, leaving a very bad scar on his forehead.
7165In 1960 his mother and I were divorced and he moved to Dallas,
7166Texas, with his mother. Until he was fifteen he had spent most of his
7167school years in special classes for slow learners in the Dallas school
7168system. Possibly because of the scar, school administrators had
7169decided he was brain-injured and could not function at a normal
7170level. He was two years behind his age group, so he was only in the
7171seventh grade. Yet he did not know his multiplication tables, added
7172on his fingers and could barely read.
7173"There was one positive point. He loved to work on radio and TV
7174sets. He wanted to become a TV technician. I encouraged this and
7175pointed out that he needed math to qualify for the training. I decided
7176to help him become proficient in this subject. We obtained four sets
7177of flash cards: multiplication, division, addition and subtraction. As
7178we went through the cards, we put the correct answers in a discard
7179stack. When David missed one, I gave him the correct answer and
7180then put the card in the repeat stack until there were no cards left. I
7181made a big deal out of each card he got right, particularly if he had
7182missed it previously. Each night we would go through the repeat
7183stack until there were no cards left.
7184Each night we timed the exercise with a stop watch. I promised him
7185that when he could get all the cards correct in eight minutes with no
7186incorrect answers, we would quit doing it every night. This seemed
7187an impossible goal to David. The first night it took 52 minutes, the
7188second night, 48, then 45, 44, 41 then under 40 minutes. We
7189celebrated each reduction. I'd call in my wife, and we would both
7190hug him and we'd all dance a jig. At the end of the month he was
7191doing all the cards perfectly in less than eight minutes. When he
7192made a small improvement he would ask to do it again. He had
7193made the fantastic discovery that learning was easy and fun.
7194"Naturally his grades in algebra took a jump. It is amazing how much
7195easier algebra is when you can multiply. He astonished himself by
7196bringing home a B in math. That had never happened before. Other
7197changes came with almost unbelievable rapidity. His reading
7198improved rapidly, and he began to use his natural talents in drawing.
7199Later in the school year his science teacher assigned him to develop
7200an exhibit. He chose to develop a highly complex series of models to
7201demonstrate the effect of levers. It required skill not only in drawing
7202and model making but in applied mathematics. The exhibit took first
7203prize in his school's science fair and was entered in the city
7204competition and won third prize for the entire city of Cincinnati.
7205"That did it. Here was a kid who had flunked two grades, who had
7206been told he was 'brain-damaged,' who had been called
7207'Frankenstein' by his classmates and told his brains must have leaked 
7208out of the cut on his head. Suddenly he discovered he could really
7209learn and accomplish things. The result? From the last quarter of the
7210eighth grade all the way through high school, he never failed to
7211make the honor roll; in high school he was elected to the national
7212honor society. Once he found learning was easy, his whole life
7213changed."
7214If you want to help others to improve, remember ...
7215• Principle 8 - Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to
7216correct.
7217~~~~~~~
72189 - Making People Glad To Do What You Want
7219Back in 1915, America was aghast. For more than a year, the nations
7220of Europe had been slaughtering one another on a scale never
7221before dreamed of in all the bloody annals of mankind. Could peace
7222be brought about? No one knew. But Woodrow Wilson was
7223determined to try. He would send a personal representative, a peace
7224emissary, to counsel with the warlords of Europe.
7225William Jennings Bryan, secretary of state, Bryan, the peace
7226advocate, longed to go. He saw a chance to perform a great service
7227and make his name immortal. But Wilson appointed another man, his
7228intimate friend and advisor Colonel Edward M. House; and it was
7229House's thorny task to break the unwelcome news to Bryan without
7230giving him offense.
7231"Bryan was distinctly disappointed when he heard I was to go to
7232Europe as the peace emissary," Colonel House records in his diary.
7233"He said he had planned to do this himself ...
7234"I replied that the President thought it would be unwise for anyone
7235to do this officially, and that his going would attract a great deal of
7236attention and people would wonder why he was there. ..."
7237You see the intimation? House practically told Bryan that he was too
7238important for the job - and Bryan was satisfied.
7239Colonel House, adroit, experienced in the ways of the world, was
7240following one of the important rules of human relations: Always
7241make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.
7242Woodrow Wilson followed that policy even when inviting William
7243Gibbs McAdoo to become a member of his cabinet. That was the
7244highest honor he could confer upon anyone, and yet Wilson
7245extended the invitation in such a way as to make McAdoo feel doubly
7246important. Here is the story in McAdoo's own words: "He [Wilson] 
7247said that he was making up his cabinet and that he would be very
7248glad if I would accept a place in it as Secretary of the Treasury. He
7249had a delightful way of putting things; he created the impression
7250that by accepting this great honor I would be doing him a favor."
7251Unfortunately, Wilson didn't always employ such taut. If he had,
7252history might have been different. For example, Wilson didn't make
7253the Senate and the Republican Party happy by entering the United
7254States in the League of Nations. Wilson refused to take such
7255prominent Republican leaders as Elihu Root or Charles Evans Hughes
7256or Henry Cabot Lodge to the peace conference with him. Instead, he
7257took along unknown men from his own party. He snubbed the
7258Republicans, refused to let them feel that the League was their idea
7259as well as his, refused to let them have a finger in the pie; and, as a
7260result of this crude handling of human relations, wrecked his own
7261career, ruined his health, shortened his life, caused America to stay
7262out of the League, and altered the history of the world.
7263Statesmen and diplomats aren't the only ones who use this make-aperson-happy-yo-do-things-you-want-them-to-do
7264approach. Dale O.
7265Ferrier of Fort Wayne, Indiana, told how he encouraged one of his
7266young children to willingly do the chore he was assigned.
7267"One of Jeff's chores was to pick up pears from under the pear tree
7268so the person who was mowing underneath wouldn't have to stop to
7269pick them up. He didn't like this chore, and frequently it was either
7270not done at all or it was done so poorly that the mower had to stop
7271and pick up several pears that he had missed. Rather than have an
7272eyeball-to-eyeball confrontation about it, one day I said to him: 'Jeff,
7273I'll make a deal with you. For every bushel basket full of pears you
7274pick up, I'll pay you one dollar. But after you are finished, for every
7275pear I find left in the yard, I'll take away a dollar. How does that
7276sound?' As you would expect, he not only picked up all of the pears,
7277but I had to keep an eye on him to see that he didn't pull a few off
7278the trees to fill up some of the baskets."
7279I knew a man who had to refuse many invitations to speak,
7280invitations extended by friends, invitations coming from people to
7281whom he was obligated; and yet he did it so adroitly that the other
7282person was at least contented with his refusal. How did he do it? Not
7283by merely talking about the fact that he was too busy and too-this
7284and too-that. No, after expressing his appreciation of the invitation
7285and regretting his inability to accept it, he suggested a substitute
7286speaker. In other words, he didn't give the other person any time to
7287feel unhappy about the refusal, He immediately changed the other
7288person's thoughts to some other speaker who could accept the
7289invitation.
7290Gunter Schmidt, who took our course in West Germany, told of an
7291employee in the food store he managed who was negligent about 
7292putting the proper price tags on the shelves where the items were
7293displayed. This caused confusion and customer complaints.
7294Reminders, admonitions, confrontations, with her about this did not
7295do much good. Finally, Mr. Schmidt called her into his office and told
7296her he was appointing her Supervisor of Price Tag Posting for the
7297entire store and she would be responsible for keeping all of the
7298shelves properly tagged. This new responsibility and title changed
7299her attitude completely, and she fulfiled her duties satisfactorily from
7300then on.
7301Childish? Perhaps. But that is what they said to Napoleon when he
7302created the Legion of Honor and distributed 15,000 crosses to his
7303soldiers and made eighteen of his generals "Marshals of France" and
7304called his troops the "Grand Army." Napoleon was criticized for giving
7305"toys" to war-hardened veterans, and Napoleon replied, "Men are
7306ruled by toys."
7307This technique of giving titles and authority worked for Napoleon and
7308it will work for you. For example, a friend of mine, Mrs. Ernest Gent
7309of Scarsdale, New York, was troubled by boys running across and
7310destroying her lawn. She tried criticism. She tried coaxing. Neither
7311worked. Then she tried giving the worst sinner in the gang a title and
7312a feeling of authority. She made him her "detective" and put him in
7313charge of keeping all trespassers off her lawn. That solved her
7314problem. Her "detective" built a bonfire in the backyard, heated an
7315iron red hot, and threatened to brand any boy who stepped on the
7316lawn.
7317The effective leader should keep the following guidelines in mind
7318when it is necessary to change attitudes or behavior:
7319• 1. Be sincere. Do not promise anything that you cannot deliver.
7320Forget about the benefits to yourself and concentrate on the benefits
7321to the other person.
7322• 2. Know exactly what it is you want the other person to do.
7323• 3. Be empathetic. Ask yourself what is it the other person really
7324wants.
7325• 4. Consider the benefits that person will receive from doing what
7326you suggest.
7327• 5. Match those benefits to the other person's wants.
7328• 6. When you make your request, put it in a form that will convey to
7329the other person the idea that he personally will benefit. We could
7330give a curt order like this: " John, we have customers coming in
7331tomorrow and I need the stockroom cleaned out. So sweep it out,
7332put the stock in neat piles on the shelves and polish the counter." Or
7333we could express the same idea by showing John the benefits he will
7334get from doing the task: "John, we have a job that should be
7335completed right away. If it is done now, we won't be faced with it
7336later. I am bringing some customers in tomorrow to show our
7337facilities. I would like to show them the stockroom, but it is in poor 
7338shape. If you could sweep it out, put the stock in neat piles on the
7339shelves, and polish the counter, it would make us look efficient and
7340you will have done your part to provide a good company image."
7341Will John be happy about doing what you suggest? Probably not very
7342happy, but happier than if you had not pointed out the benefits.
7343Assuming you know that John has pride in the way his stockroom
7344looks and is interested in contributing to the company image, he will
7345be more likely to be cooperative. It also will have been pointed out
7346to John that the job would have to be done eventually and by doing
7347it now, he won't be faced with it later.
7348It is naпve to believe you will always get a favorable reaction from
7349other persons when you use these approaches, but the experience of
7350most people shows that you are more likely to change attitudes this
7351way than by not using these principles - and if you increase your
7352successes by even a mere 10 percent, you have become 10 percent
7353more effective as a leader than you were before - and that is your
7354benefit.
7355People are more likely to do what you would like them to do when
7356you use ...
7357• Principle 9 - Make the other person happy about doing the thing
7358you suggest.
7359In A Nutshell Be A Leader
7360A leader's job often includes changing your people's attitudes and
7361behavior. Some suggestions to accomplish this:
7362• Principle 1 - Begin with praise and honest appreciation.
7363• Principle 2 - Call attention to people's mistakes indirectly.
7364• Principle 3 - Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the
7365other person.
7366• Principle 4 - Ask questions instead of giving direct orders.
7367• Principle 5 - Let the other person save face.
7368• Principle 6 - Praise the slightest improvement and praise every
7369improvement. Be "hearty in your approbation and lavish in your
7370praise."
7371• Principle 7 - Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.
7372• Principle 8 - Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to
7373correct.
7374• Principle 9 - Make the other person happy about doing the thing
7375you suggest.
7376---------------------------
7377Part 5 - Letters That Produced Miraculous Results 
7378I'll Bet I know what you are thinking now. You are probably saying to
7379yourself something like this: " 'Letters that produced miraculous
7380results!' Absurd! Smacks of patent-medicine advertising!"
7381It you are thinking that, I don't blame you. I would probably have
7382thought that myself if I had picked up a book like this fifteen years
7383ago. Sceptical? Well, I like sceptical people. I spent the first twenty
7384years of my life in Missouri—and I like people who have to be shown.
7385Almost all the progress ever made in human thought has been made
7386by the Doubting Thomases, the questioners, the challengers, the
7387show-me crowd.
7388Let's be honest. Is the title, "Letters That Produced Miraculous
7389Results," accurate? No, to be frank with you, it isn't. The truth is, it is
7390a deliberate understatement of fact. Some of the letters reproduced
7391in this chapter harvested results that were rated twice as good as
7392miracles. Rated by whom? By Ken R. Dyke, one of the best-known
7393sales promotion men in America, formerly sales promotion manager
7394for Johns-Manville, and now advertising manager for ColgatePalmolive
7395Peet Company and Chairman of the Board of the
7396Association of National Advertisers.
7397Mr Dykes says that letters he used to send out, asking for
7398information from dealers, seldom brought more than a return of 5 to
73998 per cent. He said he would have regarded a 15 per cent response
7400as most extraordinary, and told me that, if his replies had ever
7401soared to 20 per cent, he would have regarded it as nothing short of
7402a miracle.
7403But one of Mr Dyke's letters, printed in this chapter, brought 42 1/2
7404per cent; in other words, that letter was twice as good as a miracle.
7405You can't laugh that off. And this letter wasn't a sport, a fluke, an
7406accident. Similar results were obtained from scores of other letters.
7407How did he do it? Here is the explanation in Ken Dyke's own words:
7408"This astonishing increase in the effectiveness of letters occurred
7409immediately after I attended Mr Carnegie's course in 'Effective
7410Speaking and Human Relations.' I saw that the approach I had
7411formerly used was all wrong. I tried to apply the principles taught in
7412this book—and they resulted in an increase of from 500 to 800 per
7413cent in the effectiveness of my letters asking for information."
7414Here is the letter. It pleases the other man by asking him to do the
7415writer a small favour—a favour that makes him feel important. My
7416own comments on the letter appear in parentheses. Mr John Blank,
7417Blankville, Indiana. Dear Mr Blank:
7418I wonder if you would mind helping me out of a little difficulty? 
7419(Let's get the picture clear. Imagine a lumber dealer in Indiana
7420receiving a letter from an executive of the Johns-Manville Company;
7421and in the first line of the letter, this high-priced executive in New
7422York asks the other fellow to help him out of a difficulty. I can
7423imagine the dealer in Indiana saying to himself something like this:
7424"Well, if this chap in New York is in trouble, he has certainly come to
7425the right person. I always try to be generous and help people. Let's
7426see what's wrong with him!")
7427Last year, I succeeded in convincing our company that what our
7428dealers needed most to help increase their re-roofing sales was a
7429year 'round direct-mail campaign paid for entirely by Johns-Manville.
7430(The dealer out in Indiana probably says, "Naturally, they ought to
7431pay for it. They're hogging most of the profit as it is. They're making
7432millions while I'm having hard scratchin' to pay the rent. ... Now
7433what is this fellow in trouble about?")
7434Recently I mailed a questionnaire to the 1,600 dealers who had used
7435the plan and certainly was very much pleased with the hundreds of
7436replies which showed that they appreciated this form of co-operation
7437and found it most helpful.
7438On the strength of this, we have just released our new direct-mail
7439plan which I know you'll like still better.
7440But this morning our president discussed with me my report of last
7441year's plan and, as presidents will, asked me how much business I
7442could trace to it. Naturally, I must come to you to help me answer
7443him.
7444(That's a good phrase: "I must come to you to help me answer him."
7445The big shot in New York is telling the truth, and he is giving the
7446Johns-Manville dealer in Indiana honest, sincere recognition. Note
7447that Ken Dyke doesn't waste any time talking about how important
7448his company is. Instead, he immediately shows the other fellow how
7449much he has to lean on him. Ken Dyke admits that he can't even
7450make a report to the president of Johns-Manville without the dealer's
7451help. Naturally, the dealer out in Indiana, being human, likes that
7452kind of talk.)
7453What I'd like you to do is (1) to tell me, on the enclosed postcard,
7454how many roofing and re-roofing jobs you feel last year's direct-mail
7455plan helped you secure, and (2) give me, as nearly as you can, their
7456total estimated value in dollars and cents (based on the total cost of
7457the jobs applied).
7458If you'll do this, I'll surely appreciate it and thank you for your
7459kindness in giving me this information. 
7460Sincerely, KEN R. DYKE, Sales Promotion Manager
7461(Note how, in the last paragraph, he whispers "I" and shouts "You."
7462Note how generous he is in his praise: "Surely appreciate," "thank
7463you," "your kindness.")
7464Simple letter, isn't it? But it produced "miracles" by asking the other
7465person to do a small favour—the performing of which gave him a
7466feeling of importance.
7467That psychology will work, regardless of whether you are selling
7468asbestos roofs or touring Europe in a Ford.
7469To illustrate. Homer Croy and I once lost our way while motoring
7470through the interior of France. Halting our old Model T, we asked a
7471group of peasants how we could get to the next big town.
7472The effect of the question was electrical. These peasants, wearing
7473wooden shoes, regarded all Americans as rich. And automobiles were
7474rare in those regions, extremely rare. Americans touring through
7475France in a car! Surely we must be millionaires. Maybe cousins of
7476Henry Ford. But they knew something we didn't know. We had more
7477money than they had; but we had to come to them hat in hand to
7478find out how to get to the next town. And that gave them a feeling
7479of importance. They all started talking at once. One chap, thrilled at
7480this rare opportunity, commanded the others to keep quiet. He
7481wanted to enjoy all alone the thrill of directing us.
7482Try this yourself. The next time you are in a strange city, stop
7483someone who is below you in the economic and social scale and say:
7484"I wonder if you would mind helping me out of a little difficulty.
7485Won't you please tell me how to get to such and such a place?"
7486Benjamin Franklin used this technique to turn a caustic enemy into a
7487lifelong friend. Franklin, a young man at the time, had all his savings
7488invested in a small printing business. He managed to get himself
7489elected clerk of the General Assembly in Philadelphia. That position
7490gave him the job of doing the official printing. There was good profit
7491in this job, and Ben was eager to keep it. But a menace loomed
7492ahead. One of the richest and ablest men in the Assembly disliked
7493Franklin bitterly. He not only disliked Franklin, but he denounced him
7494in a public talk.
7495That was dangerous, very dangerous. So Franklin resolved to make
7496the man like him. But how? That was a problem. By doing a favour
7497for his enemy? No, that would have aroused his suspicions, maybe
7498his contempt. Franklin was too wise, too adroit to be caught in such
7499a trap. So he did the very opposite. He asked his enemy to do him a
7500favour. 
7501Franklin didn't ask for a loan of ten dollars. No! No! Franklin asked a
7502favour that pleased the other man—a favour that touched his vanity,
7503a favour that gave him recognition, a favour that subtly expressed
7504Franklin's admiration for his knowledge and achievements. Here is
7505the balance of the story in Franklin's own words:
7506Having heard that he had in his library a certain very scarce and
7507curious book, I wrote a note to him, expressing my desire of
7508perusing that book and requesting that he would do me the favour of
7509lending it to me for a few days.
7510He sent it immediately, and I returned it in about a week with
7511another note expressing strongly my sense of the favour.
7512When next we met in the House, he spoke to me (which he had
7513never done before) and with great civility and he ever afterward
7514manifested a readiness to serve me on all occasions, so that we
7515became great friends and our friendship continued to his death.
7516Ben Franklin has been dead now for a hundred and fifty years, but
7517the psychology that he used, the psychology of asking the other man
7518to do you a favour, goes marching right on.
7519For example, it was used with remarkable success by one of my
7520students, Albert B. Amsel. For years, Mr Amsel, a salesman of
7521plumbing and heating materials, had been trying to get the trade of
7522a certain plumber in Brooklyn. This plumber's business was
7523exceptionally large and his credit unusually good. But Amsel was
7524licked from the beginning. The plumber was one of those
7525disconcerting individuals who pride themselves on being rough,
7526tough, and nasty. Sitting behind his desk with a big cigar tilted in the
7527corner of his mouth, he snarled at Amsel every time he opened the
7528door, "Don't need a thing today! Don't waste my time and yours!
7529Keep moving!"
7530Then one day Mr Amsel tried a new technique, a technique that split
7531the account wide open, made a friend, and brought many fine
7532orders. Amsel's firm was negotiating for the purchase of a new
7533branch store in Queens Village on Long Island. It was a
7534neighbourhood the plumber knew well, and one where he did a great
7535deal of business. So this time, when Mr Amsel called, he said: "Mr
7536C——, I'm not here to sell you anything today. I've got to ask you to
7537do me a favour, if you will. Can you spare me just a minute of your
7538time?"
7539"H'm—well," said the plumber, shifting his cigar. "What's on your
7540mind? Shoot."
7541"My firm is thinking of. opening up a branch store over in Queens
7542Village," Mr Amsel said. "Now, you know that locality as well as 
7543anyone living. So I've come to you to ask what you think about it. Is
7544it a wise move—or not?"
7545Here was a new situation! For years this plumber had been getting
7546his feeling of importance out of snarling at salesmen and ordering
7547them to keep moving. But here was a salesman begging him for
7548advice; yes, a salesman from a big concern wanting his opinion as to
7549what they should do.
7550"Sit down," he said, pulling forward a chair. And for the next hour,
7551he expatiated on the peculiar advantages and virtues of the
7552plumbing market in Queens Village. He not only approved the
7553location of the store, but he focused his intellect on outlining a
7554complete course of action for the purchase of the property, the
7555stocking of supplies, and the opening of trade. He got a feeling of
7556importance by telling a wholesale plumbing concern how to run its
7557business. From there, he expanded into personal grounds. He
7558became friendly, and told Mr Amsel of his intimate domestic
7559difficulties and household wars.
7560"By the time I left that evening," Mr Amsel says, "I not only had in
7561my pocket a large initial order for equipment, but I had laid the
7562foundations of a solid business friendship. I am playing golf now with
7563this chap who formerly barked and snarled at me. This change in his
7564attitude was brought about by my asking him to do me a little favour
7565that made him feel important."
7566Let's examine another of Ken Dyke's letters, and again note how
7567skilfully he applies this "do-me-a-favour" psychology.
7568A few years ago, Mr Dyke was distressed at his inability to get
7569business men, contractors, and architects to answer his letters
7570asking for information.
7571In those days, he seldom got more than 1 per cent return from his
7572letters to architects and engineers. He would have regarded 2 per
7573cent as very good, and 3 per cent as excellent. And 10 per cent?
7574Why, 10 per cent would have been hailed as a miracle. But the letter
7575that follows pulled almost 50 per cent. ... Five times as good as a
7576miracle. And what replies! Letters of two and three pages! Letters
7577glowing with friendly advice and co-operation.
7578Here is the letter. You will observe that in the psychology used—
7579even in the phraseology in some places—the letter is almost identical
7580with that quoted on pages 188-89. As you peruse this letter, read
7581between the lines, try to analyze the feeling of the man who got it.
7582Find out why it produced results five times as good as a miracle.
7583Johns-Manville
758422 EAST 40th STREET 
7585NEW YORK CITY
7586Mr John Doe,
7587617 Doe Street,
7588Doeville, N.J.
7589Dear Mr Doe:
7590I wonder if you'll help me out of a little difficulty?
7591About a year ago I persuaded our company that one of the things
7592architects most needed was a catalogue which would give them the
7593whole story of all J-M building materials and their part in repairing
7594and remodelling homes.
7595The attached catalogue resulted—the first of its kind. But now our
7596stock is getting low, and when I mentioned it to our president he
7597said (as presidents will) that he would have no objection to another
7598edition provided / furnished satisfactory evidence that the catalogue
7599had done the job for which it was designed.
7600Naturally, I must come to you for help, and 7 am therefore taking
7601the liberty of asking you and forty-nine other architects in various
7602parts of the country to be the jury.
7603To make it quite easy for you, I have written a few simple questions
7604on the back of this letter. And I'll certainly regard it as a personal
7605favour if you'll check the answers, add any comments that you may
7606wish to make, and then slip this letter into the enclosed stamped
7607envelope.
7608Needless to say, this won't obligate you in any way, and I now leave
7609it to you to say whether the catalogue shall be discontinued or
7610reprinted with improvements based on your experience and advice.
7611In any event, rest assured that I shall appreciate your co-operation
7612very much. Thank you!
7613Sincerely yours, KEN R. DYKE, Sales Promotion Manager.
7614Another word of warning. I know from experience that some men,
7615reading this letter, will try to use the same psychology mechanically.
7616They will try to boost the other man's ego, not through genuine, real
7617appreciation, but through flattery and insincerity. And their technique
7618won't work.
7619Remember, we all crave appreciation and recognition, and will do
7620almost anything to get it. But nobody wants insincerity. Nobody
7621wants flattery. 
7622Let me repeat: the principles taught in this book will work only when
7623they come from the heart. I am not advocating a bag of tricks. I am
7624talking about a new way of life.
7625-------------------------------
7626Part VI: Seven Rules for Making Your Home Life Happier
76271 - How To Dig Your Marital Grave In The Quickest Possible Way
7628Seventy-Five years ago, Napoleon III of France, nephew of Napoleon
7629Bonaparte, fell in love with Marie Eugenic Ignace Augustine de
7630Montijo, Countess of Teba, the most beautiful woman in the world—
7631and married her. His advisors pointed out that she was only the
7632daughter of an insignificant Spanish count. But Napoleon retorted:
7633"What of it?" Her grace, her youth, her charm, her beauty filled him
7634with divine felicity. In a speech hurled from the throne, he defied an
7635entire nation: "I have preferred a woman I love and respect," he
7636proclaimed, "to a woman unknown to me."
7637Napoleon and his bride had health, wealth, power, fame, beauty,
7638love, adoration—all the requirements for a perfect romance. Never
7639did the sacred fire of marriage glow with a brighter incandescence.
7640But, alas, the holy flame soon flickered and the incandescence
7641cooled—and turned to embers. Napoleon could make Eugenic an
7642empress; but nothing in all la belle France, neither the power of his
7643love nor the might of his throne, could keep her from nagging.
7644Bedeviled by jealousy, devoured by suspicion, she flouted his orders,
7645she denied him even a show of privacy. She broke into his office
7646while he was engaged in affairs of state. She interrupted his most
7647important discussions. She refused to leave him alone, always
7648fearing that he might be consorting with another woman.
7649Often she ran to her sister, complaining of her husband,
7650complaining, weeping, nagging, and threatening. Forcing her way
7651into his study, she stormed at him and abused him. Napoleon,
7652master of a dozen sumptuous palaces, Emperor of France, could not
7653find a cupboard in which he could call his soul his own.
7654And what did Eugenic accomplish by all this? Here is the answer. I
7655am quoting now from E.A. Rheinhardt's engrossing book, Napoleon
7656and Eugenic: The Tragicomedy of an Empire: "So it came about that
7657Napoleon frequently would steal out by a little side door at night,
7658with a soft hat pulled over his eyes, and, accompanied by one of his
7659intimates, really betake himself to some fair lady who was expecting
7660him, or else stroll about the great city as of old, passing through
7661streets of the kind which an Emperor hardly sees outside a fairy tale,
7662and breathing the atmosphere of might-have-beens." 
7663That is what nagging accomplished for Eugenic. True, she sat on the
7664throne of France. True, she was the most beautiful woman in the
7665world. But neither royalty nor beauty can keep love alive amidst the
7666poisonous fumes of nagging. Eugenic could have raised her voice like
7667Job of old and have wailed: "The thing which I greatly feared is
7668come upon me." Come upon her? She brought it upon herself, poor
7669woman, by her jealousy and her nagging. Of all the sure-fire, infernal
7670devices ever invented by all the devils in hell for destroying love,
7671nagging is the deadliest. It never fails. Like the bite of the king
7672cobra, it always destroys, always kills.
7673The wife of Count Leo Tolstoi discovered that—after it was too late.
7674Before she passed away, she confessed to her daughters: "I was the
7675cause of your father's death." Her daughters didn't reply. They were
7676both crying. They knew their mother was telling the truth. They
7677knew she had killed him with her constant complaining, her eternal
7678criticisms, and her eternal nagging. Yet Count Tolstoi and his wife
7679ought, by all odds, to have been happy. He was one of the most
7680famous novelists of all time. Two of his masterpieces, War and Peace
7681and Anna Karenina will forever shine brightly among the literary
7682glories of earth.
7683Tolstoi was so famous that his admirers followed him around day
7684and night and took down in shorthand every word he uttered. Even if
7685he merely said, "I guess I'll go to bed"; even trivial words like that,
7686everything was written down; and now the Russian Government is
7687printing every sentence that he ever wrote; and his combined
7688writings will fill one hundred volumes.
7689In addition to fame, Tolstoi and his wife had wealth, social position,
7690children. No marriage ever blossomed under softer skies. In the
7691beginning, their happiness seemed too perfect, too intense, to
7692endure. So kneeling together, they prayed to Almighty God to
7693continue the ecstasy that was theirs. Then an astonishing thing
7694happened. Tolstoi gradually changed. He became a totally different
7695person. He became ashamed of the great books that he had written,
7696and from that time on he devoted his life to writing pamphlets
7697preaching peace and the abolition of war and poverty.
7698This man who had once confessed that in his youth he had
7699committed every sin imaginable—even murder—tried to follow
7700literally the teachings of Jesus. He gave all his lands away and lived a
7701life of poverty. He worked in the fields, chopping wood and pitching
7702hay. He made his own shoes, swept his own room, ate out of a
7703wooden bowl, and tried to love his enemies.
7704Leo Tolstoi's life was a tragedy, and the cause of his tragedy was his
7705marriage. His wife loved luxury, but he despised it. She craved fame
7706and the plaudits of society, but these frivolous things meant nothing
7707whatever to him. She longed for money and riches, but he believed 
7708that wealth and private property were a sin. For years, she nagged
7709and scolded and screamed because he insisted on giving away the
7710right to publish his books freely without paying him any royalties
7711whatever. She wanted the money those books would produce. When
7712he opposed her, she threw herself into fits of hysteria, rolling on the
7713floor with a bottle of opium at her lips, swearing that she was going
7714to kill herself and threatening to jump down the well.
7715There is one event in their lives that to me is one of the most
7716pathetic scenes in history. As I have already, said, they were
7717gloriously happy when they were first married; but now, forty-eight
7718years later, he could hardly bear the sight of her. Sometimes of an
7719evening, this old and heartbroken wife, starving for affection, came
7720and knelt at his knees and begged him to read aloud to her the
7721exquisite love passages that he had written about her in his diary
7722fifty years previously. And as he read of those beautiful, happy days
7723that were now gone forever, both of them wept. How different, how
7724sharply different, the realities of life were from the romantic dreams
7725they had once dreamed in the long ago.
7726Finally, when he was eighty-two years old, Tolstoi was unable to
7727endure the tragic unhappiness of his home any longer so he fled
7728from his wife on a snowy October night in 1910—fled into the cold
7729and darkness, not knowing where he was going.
7730Eleven days later, he died of pneumonia in a railway station. And his
7731dying request was that she should not be permitted to come into his
7732presence. Such was the price Countess Tolstoi paid for her nagging
7733and complaining and hysteria.
7734The reader may feel that she had much to nag about. Granted. But
7735that is beside the point. The question is: did nagging help her, or did
7736it make a bad matter infinitely worse? "I really think I was insane."
7737That is what Countess Tolstoi herself thought about it—after it was
7738too late.
7739The great tragedy of Abraham Lincoln's life also was his marriage.
7740Not his assassination, mind you, but his marriage. When Booth fired,
7741Lincoln never realized he had been shot; but he reaped almost daily,
7742for twenty-three years, what Herndon, his law partner, described as
7743"the bitter harvest of conjugal infelicity." "Conjugal infelicity?" That is
7744putting it mildly. For almost a quarter of a century, Mrs Lincoln
7745nagged and harassed the life out of him.
7746She was always complaining, always criticizing her husband; nothing
7747about him was ever right. He was stoop-shouldered, he walked
7748awkwardly and lifted his feet straight up and down like an Indian.
7749She complained that there was no spring in his step, no grace to his
7750movement; and she mimicked his gait and nagged at him to walk 
7751with his toes pointed down, as she had been taught at Madame
7752Mentelle's boarding school in Lexington.
7753She didn't like the way his huge ears stood out at right angles from
7754his head. She even told him that his nose wasn't straight, that his
7755lower lip stuck out, and he looked consumptive, that his feet and
7756hands were too large, his head too small.
7757Abraham Lincoln and Mary Todd Lincoln were opposites in every
7758way: in training, in background, in temperament, in tastes, in mental
7759outlook. They irritated each other constantly.
7760"Mrs Lincoln's loud, shrill voice," wrote the late Senator Albert J.
7761Beveridge, the most distinguished Lincoln authority of this
7762generation—"Mrs Lincoln's loud shrill voice could be heard across the
7763street, and her incessant outbursts of wrath were audible to all who
7764lived near the house. Frequently her anger was displayed by other
7765means than words, and accounts of her violence are numerous and
7766unimpeachable."
7767To illustrate: Mr and Mrs Lincoln, shortly after their marriage, lived
7768with Mrs Jacob Early—a doctor's widow in Springfield who was forced
7769to take in boarders.
7770One morning Mr and Mrs Lincoln were having breakfast when Lincoln
7771did something that aroused the fiery temper of his wife. What, no
7772one remembers now. But Mrs Lincoln, in a rage, dashed a cup of hot
7773coffee into her husband's face. And she did it in front of the other
7774boarders. Saying nothing, Lincoln sat there in humiliation and silence
7775while Mrs Early came with a wet towel and wiped off his face and
7776clothes.
7777Mrs Lincoln's jealousy was so foolish, so fierce, so incredible, that
7778merely to read about some of the pathetic and disgraceful scenes
7779she created in public—merely reading about them seventy-five years
7780later makes one gasp with astonishment. She finally went insane;
7781and perhaps the most charitable thing one can say about her is that
7782her disposition was probably always affected by incipient insanity.
7783Did all this nagging and scolding and raging change Lincoln? In one
7784way, yes. It certainly changed his attitude toward her. It made him
7785regret his unfortunate marriage, and it made him avoid her presence
7786as much as possible.
7787Springfield had eleven attorneys, and they couldn't all make a living
7788there; so they used to ride horseback from one county seat to
7789another, following Judge David Davis while he was holding court in
7790various places. In that way, they managed to pick up business from
7791all the county seat towns throughout the Eighth Judicial District. 
7792The other attorneys always managed to get back to Springfield each
7793Saturday and spend the week-end with their families. But Lincoln
7794didn't. He dreaded to go home: and for three months in the spring,
7795and again for three months in the autumn, he remained out on the
7796circuit and never went near Springfield. He kept this up year after
7797year. Living conditions in the country hotels were often wretched;
7798but, wretched as they were, he preferred them to his own home and
7799Mrs Lincoln's constant nagging and wild outbursts of temper.
7800Such are the results that Mrs Lincoln, the Empress Eugenic, and
7801Countess Tolstoi obtained by their nagging. They brought nothing
7802but tragedy into their lives. They destroyed all that they cherished
7803most.
7804Bessie Hamburger, who has spent eleven years in the Domestic
7805Relations Court in New York City, and has reviewed thousands of
7806cases of desertion, says that one of the chief reasons men leave
7807home is because their wives nag. Or, as the Boston Post puts it:
7808"Many a wife has made her own marital grave with a series of little
7809digs."
7810So, if you want to keep your home life happy,
7811• Rule 1 is: Don't, don't nag!!!
7812~~~~~~~
78132 - Love And Let Live
7814"I May Commit many follies in life," Disraeli said, "but I never intend
7815to marry for love." And he didn't. He stayed single until he was
7816thirty-five, and then he proposed to a rich widow, a widow fifteen
7817years his senior; a widow whose hair was white with the passing of
7818fifty winters. Love? Oh, no. She knew he didn't love her. She knew
7819he was marrying her for her money! So she made just one request:
7820she asked him to wait a year to give her the opportunity to study his
7821character. And at the end of that time, she married him.
7822Sounds pretty prosaic, pretty commercial, doesn't it? Yet
7823paradoxically enough, Disraeli's marriage was one of the most
7824glowing successes in all the battered and bespattered annals of
7825matrimony.
7826The rich widow that Disraeli chose was neither young, nor beautiful,
7827nor brilliant. Far from it. Her conversation bubbled with a laughprovoking
7828display of literary and historical blunders. For example, she
7829"never knew which came first, the Greeks or the Romans." Her taste
7830in clothes was bizarre; and her taste in house furnishings was
7831fantastic. But she was a genius, a positive genius at the most
7832important thing in marriage: the art of handling men. 
7833She didn't attempt to set up her intellect against Disraeli's. When he
7834came home bored and exhausted after an afternoon of matching
7835repartee with witty duchesses, Mary Anne's frivolous patter permitted
7836him to relax. Home, to his increasing delight, was a place where he
7837could ease into his mental slippers and bask in the warmth of Mary
7838Anne's adoration. These hours he spent at home with his ageing wife
7839were the happiest of his life. She was his helpmate, his confidante,
7840his advisor. Every night he hurried home from the House of
7841Commons to tell her the day's news. And—this is important—
7842whatever he undertook, Mary Anne simply did not believe he could
7843fail.
7844For thirty years, Mary Anne lived for Disraeli, and for him alone. Even
7845her wealth she valued only because it made his life easier. In return,
7846she was his heroine. He became an Earl after she died; but, even
7847while he was still a commoner, he persuaded Queen Victoria to
7848elevate Mary Anne to the peerage. And so, in 1868, she was made
7849Viscountess Beaconsfield.
7850No matter how silly or scatterbrained she might appear in public, he
7851never criticized her; he never uttered a word of reproach; and if
7852anyone dared to ridicule her, he sprang to her defence with ferocious
7853loyalty. Mary Anne wasn't perfect, yet for three decades she never
7854tired of talking" about her husband, praising him, admiring him.
7855Result? "We have been married thirty years," Disraeli said, "and I
7856have never been bored by her." (Yet some people thought because
7857Mary Anne didn't know history, she must be stupid!)
7858For his part, Disraeli never made it any secret that Mary Anne was
7859the most important thing in his life. Result? "Thanks to his kindness,"
7860Mary Anne used to tell their friends, "my life has been simply one
7861long scene of happiness." Between them, they had a little joke. "You
7862know," Disraeli would say, "I only married you for your money
7863anyhow." And Mary Anne, smiling, would reply, "Yes, but if you had
7864it to do over again, you'd marry me for love, wouldn't you?" And he
7865admitted it was true. No, Mary Anne wasn't perfect. But Disraeli was
7866wise enough to let her be herself.
7867As Henry James put it: "The first thing to learn in. intercourse with
7868others is noninterference with their own peculiar ways of being
7869happy, provided those ways do not assume to interfere by violence
7870with ours."
7871That's important enough to repeat: "The first thing to learn in
7872intercourse with others is noninterference with their own peculiar
7873ways of being happy ..."
7874Or, as Leland Foster Wood in his book, Growing Together in the
7875Family, has observed: "Success in marriage is much more than a 
7876matter of finding the right person; it is also a matter of being the
7877right person."
7878So, if you want your home life to be happy,
7879• Rule 2 is: Don't try to make your partner over.
7880~~~~~~~
78813 - Do This And You'll Be Looking Up The Time-Tables To Reno
7882Disraeli's bitterest rival in public life was the great Gladstone. These
7883two clashed on every debatable subject under the Empire, yet they
7884had one thing in common; the supreme happiness of their private
7885lives.
7886William and Catherine Gladstone lived together for fifty-nine years,
7887almost three score years glorified with an abiding devotion. I like to
7888think of Gladstone, the most dignified of England's prime ministers,
7889clasping his wife's hand and dancing around the hearthrug with her,
7890singing this song:
7891A ragamuffin husband and a rantipoling wife,
7892We'll fiddle it and scrape it
7893through the ups and downs
7894of life.
7895Gladstone, a formidable enemy in public, never criticized at home.
7896When he came down to breakfast in the morning, only to discover
7897that the rest of his family was still sleeping, he had a gentle way of
7898registering his reproach. He raised his voice and filled the house with
7899a mysterious chant that reminded the other members that England's
7900busiest man was waiting downstairs for his breakfast, all alone.
7901Diplomatic, considerate, he rigorously refrained from domestic
7902criticism.
7903And so, often, did Catherine the Great. Catherine ruled one of the
7904largest empires the world has ever known. Over millions of her
7905subjects she held the power of life and death. Politically, she was
7906often a cruel tyrant, waging useless wars and sentencing scores of
7907her enemies to be cut down by firing squads. Yet if the cook burned
7908the meat, she said nothing. She smiled and ate it with a tolerance
7909that the average American husband would do well to emulate.
7910Dorothy Dix, America's premier authority on the causes of marital
7911unhappiness, declares that more than fifty per cent of all marriages
7912are failures; and she knows that one of the reasons why so many
7913romantic dreams break up on the rocks of Reno is criticism—futile,
7914heartbreaking criticism. 
7915So, if you want to keep your home life happy, remember Rule 3:
7916Don't criticize.
7917And if you are tempted to criticize the children . . . you imagine I am
7918going to say don't. But I am not. I am merely going to say, before
7919you criticize them, read one of the classics of American journalism,
7920"Father Forgets." It appeared originally as an editorial in the People's
7921Home Journal. We are reprinting it here with the author's
7922permission—reprinting it as it was condensed in the Reader's Digest:
7923"Father Forgets" is one of those little pieces which— dashed off in a
7924moment of sincere feeling—strikes an echoing chord in so many
7925readers as to become a perennial reprint favourite. Since its first
7926appearance, some fifteen years ago, "Father Forgets" has been
7927reproduced, writes the author, W. Livingston Larned, "in hundreds of
7928magazines and house organs, and in newspapers the country over. It
7929has been reprinted almost as extensively in many foreign languages.
7930I have given personal permission to thousands who wished to read it
7931from school, church, and lecture platforms. It has been 'on the air'
7932on countless occasions and programmes. Oddly enough, college
7933periodicals have used it, and high-school magazines. Sometimes a
7934little piece seems mysteriously to 'click.' This one certainly did."
7935Father Forgets
7936W. Livingston Larned
7937Listen, son: I am saying this as you lie asleep, one little paw
7938crumpled under your cheek and the blond curls stickily wet on your
7939damp forehead. I have stolen into your room alone. Just a few
7940minutes ago, as I sat reading my paper in the library, a stifling wave
7941of remorse swept over me. Guiltily I came to your bedside.
7942These are the things I was thinking, son: I had been cross to you. I
7943scolded you as you were dressing for school because you gave your
7944face merely a dab with a towel. I took you to task for not cleaning
7945your shoes. I called out angrily when you threw some of your things
7946on the floor.
7947At breakfast I found fault, too. You spilled things. You gulped down
7948your food. You put your elbows on the table. You spread butter too
7949thick on your bread. And as you started off to play and I made for
7950my train, you turned and waved a hand and called, "Good-bye,
7951Daddy!" and I frowned, and said in reply, "Hold your Shoulders
7952back!"
7953Then it began all over again in the late afternoon. As I came up the
7954road I spied you, down on your knees, playing marbles. There were
7955holes in your stockings. I humiliated you before your boy friends by
7956marching you ahead of me to the house. Stockings were expensive—
7957and if you had to buy them you would be more careful! Imagine
7958that, son, from a father!
7959Do you remember, later, when I was reading in the library, how you
7960came in, timidly, with a sort of hurt look in your eyes? When I
7961glanced up over my paper, impatient at the interruption, you
7962hesitated at the door. "What is it you want?" I snapped.
7963You said nothing, but ran across in one tempestuous plunge, and
7964threw your arms around my neck and kissed me, and your small
7965arms tightened with an affection that God had set blooming in your
7966heart and which even neglect could not wither. And then you were
7967gone, pattering up the stairs.
7968Well, son, it was shortly afterwards that my paper slipped from my
7969hands and a terrible sickening fear came over me. What has habit
7970been doing to me? The habit of finding fault, of reprimanding—this
7971was my reward to you for being a boy. It was not that I did not love
7972you; it was that I expected too much of youth. It was measuring you
7973by the yardstick of my own years.
7974And there was so much that was good and fine and true in your
7975character. The little heart of you was as big as the dawn itself over
7976the wide hills. This was shown by your spontaneous impulse to rush
7977in and kiss me goodnight. Nothing else matters tonight, son. I have
7978come to your bedside in the darkness, and I have knelt there,
7979ashamed!
7980It is a feeble atonement; I know you would not understand these
7981things if I told them to you during your waking hours. But tomorrow
7982I will be a real daddy! I will chum with you, and suffer when you
7983suffer, and laugh when you laugh. I will bite my tongue when
7984impatient words come. I will keep saying as if it were a ritual: "He is
7985nothing but a boy—a little boy!"
7986I am afraid I have visualized you as a man. Yet as I see you now,
7987son, crumpled and weary in your cot, I see that you are still a baby.
7988Yesterday you were in your mother's arms, your head on her
7989shoulder. I have asked too much, too much.
7990~~~~~~~
79914 - A Quick Way To Make Everybody Happy
7992"Most Men when seeking wives," says Paul Popenoe, Director of the
7993Institute of Family Relations in Los Angeles, "are not looking for
7994executives but for someone with allure and willingness to flatter their
7995vanity and make them feel superior. Hence the woman office
7996manager may be invited to luncheon, once. But she quite possibly
7997dishes out warmed-over remnants of her college courses on 'main 
7998currents in contemporary philosophy,' and may even insist on paying
7999her own bill. Result: she thereafter lunches alone.
8000"In contrast, the noncollegiate typist, when invited to luncheon, fixes
8001an incandescent gaze on her escort and says yearningly, 'Now tell
8002me some more about yourself.' Result: he tells the other fellows that
8003'she's no raving beauty, but I have never met a better talker.'"
8004Men should express their appreciation of a woman's effort to look
8005well and dress becomingly. All men forget, if they have ever realized
8006it, how profoundly women are interested in clothes. For example, if a
8007man and woman meet another man and woman on the street, the
8008woman seldom looks at the other man; she usually looks to see how
8009well the other woman is dressed.
8010My grandmother died a few years ago at the age of ninety-eight.
8011Shortly before her death, we showed her a photograph of herself
8012that had been taken a third of a century earlier. Her failing eyes
8013couldn't see the picture very well, and the only question she asked
8014was: "What dress did I have on?" Think of it! An old woman in her
8015last December, bedridden, weary with age as she lay within the
8016shadow of the century mark, her memory fading so fast that she was
8017no longer able to recognize even her own daughters, still interested
8018in knowing what dress she had worn a third of a century before! I
8019was at her bedside when she asked that question. It left an
8020impression on me that will never fade.
8021The men who are reading these lines can't remember what suits or
8022shirts they wore five years ago, and they haven't the remotest desire
8023to remember them. But women—they are different, and we
8024American men ought to recognize it. French boys of the upper class
8025are trained to express their admiration of a woman's frock and
8026chapeau, not only once but many times during an evening. And fifty
8027million Frenchmen can't be wrong!
8028I have among my clippings a story that I know never happened, but
8029it illustrates a truth, so I'll repeat it:
8030According to this silly story, a farm woman, at the end of a heavy
8031day's work, set before her men folks a heaping pile of hay. And when
8032they indignantly demanded whether she'd gone crazy, she replied:
8033"Why, how did I know you'd notice? I've been cooking for you men
8034for the last twenty years, and in all that time I ain't heard no word to
8035let me know you wasn't just eating hay!"
8036The pampered aristocrats of Moscow and St Petersburg used to have
8037better manners; in the Russia of the Czars, it was the custom of the
8038upper classes, when they had enjoyed a fine dinner, to insist on
8039having the cook brought into the dining room to receive their
8040congratulations. 
8041Why not have as much consideration for your wife? The next time
8042the fried chicken is done to a tender turn, tell her so. Let her know
8043that you appreciate the fact that you're not just eating hay. Or, as
8044Texas Guinan used to say, "Give the little girl a great big hand."
8045And while you're about it, don't be afraid to let her know how
8046important she is to your happiness. Disraeli was as great a
8047statesman as England ever produced; yet, as we've seen, he wasn't
8048ashamed to let the world know how much he "owed to the little
8049woman."
8050Just the other day, while perusing a magazine, I came across this.
8051It's from an interview with Eddie Cantor.
8052"I owe more to my wife," says Eddie Cantor, "than to anyone else in
8053the world. She was my best pal as a boy; she helped me to go
8054straight. And after we married she saved every dollar, and invested
8055it, and reinvested it. She built up a fortune for me. We have five
8056lovely children. And she's made a wonderful home for me always. If
8057I've gotten anywhere, give her the credit."
8058Out in Hollywood, where marriage is a risk that even Lloyd's of
8059London wouldn't take a gamble on, one of the few outstandingly
8060happy marriages is that of the Warner Baxters. Mrs Baxter, the
8061former Winifred Bryson, gave up a brilliant stage career when she
8062married. Yet her sacrifice has never been permitted to mar their
8063happiness. "She missed the applause of stage success," Warner
8064Baxter says, "but I have tried to see that she is entirely aware of my
8065applause. If a woman is to find happiness at all in her husband, she
8066is to find it in his appreciation, and devotion. If that appreciation and
8067devotion is actual, there is the answer to his happiness also."
8068There you are. So, if you want to keep your home life happy, one of
8069the most important rules is
8070• Rule 4: Give honest appreciation.
8071~~~~~~~
80725 - They Mean So Much To A Woman
8073From Time immemorial, flowers have been considered the language
8074of love. They don't cost much, especially in season, and often they're
8075for sale on the street corners. Yet, considering the rarity with which
8076the average husband takes home a bunch of daffodils, you might
8077suppose them to be as expensive as orchids and as hard to come by
8078as the edelweiss which flowers on the cloud-swept cliffs of the Alps. 
8079Why wait until your wife goes to the hospital to give her a few
8080flowers? Why not bring her a few roses tomorrow night? You like to
8081experiment. Try it. See what happens.
8082George M. Cohan, busy as he was on Broadway, used to telephone
8083his mother twice a day up to the time of her death. Do you suppose
8084he had startling news for her each time? No, the meaning of little
8085attentions is this: it shows the person you love that you are thinking
8086of her, that you want to please her, and that her happiness and
8087welfare are very dear, and very near, to your heart.
8088Women attach a lot of importance to birthdays and anniversaries—
8089just why, will forever remain one of those feminine mysteries. The
8090average man can blunder through life without memorizing many
8091dates, but there are a few which are indispensable: 1492, 1776, the
8092date of his wife's birthday, and the year and date of his own
8093marriage. If need be, he can even get along without the first two—
8094but not the last!
8095Judge Joseph Sabbath of Chicago, who has reviewed 40,000 marital
8096disputes and reconciled 2,000 couples, says: "Trivialities are at the
8097bottom of most marital unhappiness. Such a simple thing as a wife's
8098waving good-bye to her husband when he goes to work in the
8099morning would avert a good many divorces."
8100Robert Browning, whose life with Elizabeth Barrett Browning was
8101perhaps the most idyllic on record, was never too busy to keep love
8102alive with little, tributes and attentions. He treated his invalid wife
8103with such consideration that she once wrote to her sisters: "And now
8104I begin to wonder naturally whether I may not be some sort of real
8105angel after all."
8106Too many men underestimate the value of these small, everyday
8107attentions. As Gaynor Maddox said in an article in the Pictorial
8108Review: "The American home really needs a few new vices.
8109Breakfast in bed, for instance, is one of those amiable dissipations a
8110greater number of women should be indulged in. Breakfast in bed to
8111a woman does much the same thing as a private club for a man."
8112That's what marriage is in the long run—a series of trivial incidents.
8113And woe to the couple who overlook that fact. Edna St. Vincent
8114Millay summed it all up once in one of her concise little rhymes:
8115" 'Tis not love's going hurts my days, But that it went in little ways."
8116That's a good verse to memorize. Out in Reno, the courts grant
8117divorces six days a week, at the rate of one every ten marriages.
8118How many of these marriages do you suppose were wrecked upon
8119the reef of real tragedy? Mighty few, I'll warrant. If you could sit 
8120there day in, day out, listening to the testimony of those unhappy
8121husbands and wives, you'd know love "went in little ways."
8122Take your pocket knife now and cut out this quotation. Paste it inside
8123your hat or paste it on the mirror, where you will see it every
8124morning when you shave:
8125"I shall pass this way but once; any good, therefore, that I can do or
8126any kindness that I can show to any human being, let me do it now.
8127Let me not defer nor neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again."
8128So, if you want to keep your home life happy,
8129• Rule 5 is: Pay little attentions.
8130~~~~~~~
81316 - If You Want To Be Happy, Don't Neglect This One
8132Walter Damrosch married the daughter of James G. Blaine, one of
8133America's greatest orators and one-time candidate for President.
8134Ever since they met many years ago at Andrew Carnegie's home in
8135Scotland, the Damroschs have led a conspicuously happy life.
8136The secret?
8137"Next to care in choosing a partner,". says Mrs Damrosch, "I should
8138place courtesy after marriage. If young wives would only be as
8139courteous to their husbands as to strangers! Any man will run from a
8140shrewish tongue."
8141Rudeness is the cancer that devours love. Everyone knows this, yet
8142it's notorious that we are more polite to strangers than we are to our
8143own relatives. We wouldn't dream of interrupting strangers to say,
8144"Good heavens, are you going to tell that old story again!" We
8145wouldn't dream of opening our friends' mail without permission, or
8146prying into their personal secrets. And it's only the members of our
8147own family, those who are nearest and dearest to us, that we dare
8148insult for their trivial faults.
8149Again to quote Dorothy Dix: "It is an amazing but true thing that
8150practically the only people who ever say mean, insulting, wounding
8151things to us are those of our own households."
8152"Courtesy," says Henry Clay Risner, "is that quality of heart that
8153overlooks the broken gate and calls attention to the flowers in the
8154yard beyond the gate." Courtesy is just as important to marriage as
8155oil is to your motor. 
8156Oliver Wendell Holmes, the beloved "Autocrat of the Breakfast
8157Table," was anything but an autocrat in his own home. In fact, he
8158carried his consideration so far that when he felt melancholy and
8159depressed, he tried to conceal his blues from the rest of his family. It
8160was bad enough for him to have to bear them himself, he said,
8161without inflicting them on the others as well.
8162That is what Oliver Wendell Holmes did. But what about the average
8163mortal? Things go wrong at the office; he loses a sale or gets called
8164on the carpet by the boss. He develops a devastating headache or
8165misses the five-fifteen; and he can hardly wait till he gets home—to
8166take it out on the family.
8167In Holland you leave your shoes outside on the doorstep before you
8168enter the house. By the Lord Harry, we could learn a lesson from the
8169Dutch and shed our workaday troubles before we enter our homes.
8170William James once wrote an essay called "On a Certain Blindness in
8171Human Beings." It would be worth a special trip to your nearest
8172library to get that essay and read it. "Now the blindness in human
8173beings of which this discourse will treat," he wrote, "is the blindness
8174with which we all are afflicted in regard to the feelings of creatures
8175and people different from ourselves."
8176"The blindness with which we all are afflicted." Many men who
8177wouldn't dream of speaking sharply to a customer, or even to their
8178partners in business, think nothing of barking at their wives. Yet, for
8179their personal happiness, marriage is far more important to them, far
8180more vital, than business.
8181The average man who is happily married is happier by far than the
8182genius who lives in solitude. Turgenev, the great Russian novelist,
8183was acclaimed all over the civilized world. Yet he said: "I would give
8184up all my genius, and all my books, if there were only some woman,
8185somewhere, who cared whether or not I came home late for dinner."
8186What are the chances of happiness in marriage anyway? Dorothy
8187Dix, as we have already said, believes that more than half of them
8188are failures; but Dr Paul Popenoe thinks otherwise. He says: "A man
8189has a better chance of succeeding in marriage than in any other
8190enterprise he may go into. Of all the men that go into the grocery
8191business, 70 per cent fail. Of the men and women who enter
8192matrimony, 70 per cent succeed."
8193Dorothy Dix sums the whole thing up like this: "Compared with
8194marriage," she says, "being born is a mere episode in our careers,
8195and dying a trivial incident. 
8196"No woman can ever understand why a man doesn't put forth the
8197same effort to make his home a going concern as he does to make
8198his business or profession a success.
8199"But, although to have a contented wife and a peaceful and happy
8200home means more to a man than to make a million dollars, not one
8201man in a hundred ever gives any real serious thought or makes any
8202honest effort to make his marriage a success. He leaves the most
8203important thing in his life to chance, and he wins out or loses,
8204according to whether fortune is with him or not. Women can never
8205understand why their husbands refuse to handle them diplomatically,
8206when it would be money in their pockets to use the velvet glove
8207instead of the strong-arm method.
8208"Every man knows that he can jolly his wife into doing anything, and
8209doing without anything. He knows that if he hands her a few cheap
8210compliments about what a wonderful manager she is, and how she
8211helps him, she will squeeze every nickel. Every man knows that if he
8212tells his wife how beautiful and lovely she looks in her last year's
8213dress, she wouldn't trade it for the latest Paris importation. Every
8214man knows that he can kiss his wife's eyes shut until she will be
8215blind as a bat, and that he has only to give her a warm smack on the
8216lips to make her dumb as an oyster.
8217"And every wife knows that her husband knows these things about
8218her, because she has furnished him with a complete diagram about
8219how to work her. And she never knows whether to be mad at him or
8220disgusted with him, because he would rather fight with her and pay
8221for it in having to eat bad meals, and have his money wasted, and
8222buy her new frocks and limousines and pearls, than to take the
8223trouble to flatter her a little and treat her the way she is begging to
8224be treated."
8225So, if you want to keep your home life happy.
8226• Rule 6 is: Be courteous.
8227~~~~~~~
82287 - Don't Be A "Marriage Illiterate"
8229Dr Katherine Bement Davis, general secretary of the Bureau of Social
8230Hygiene, once induced a thousand married women to reply very
8231frankly to a set of intimate questions. The result was shocking—an
8232incredibly shocking comment upon the sexual unhappiness of the
8233average American adult. After perusing the answers she received
8234from these thousand married women, Dr Davis published without
8235hesitation her conviction that one of the chief causes of divorce in
8236this country is physical mismating. 
8237Dr G. V. Hamilton's survey verifies this finding. Dr Hamilton spent
8238four years studying the marriages of one hundred men and one
8239hundred women. He asked these men and women individually
8240something like four hundred questions concerning their married lives,
8241and discussed their problems exhaustively—so exhaustively that the
8242whole investigation took four years. This work was considered so
8243important sociologically that it was financed by a group of leading
8244philanthropists. You can read the results of the experiment in What's
8245Wrong with Marriage? by Dr G.V. Hamilton and Kenneth Macgowan.
8246Well, what is wrong with marriage? "It would take a very prejudiced
8247and very reckless psychiatrist," says Dr Hamilton, "to say that most
8248married friction doesn't find its source in sexual maladjustment. At
8249any rate, the frictions which arise from other difficulties would be
8250ignored in many, many cases if the sexual relation itself were
8251satisfactory."
8252Dr Paul Popenoe, as head of the Institute of Family Relations in Los
8253Angeles, has reviewed thousands of marriages and he is one of
8254America's foremost authorities on home life. According to Dr
8255Popenoe, failure in marriage is usually due to four causes. He lists
8256them in this order:
8257• 1. Sexual maladjustment.
8258• 2. Difference of opinion as to the way of spending leisure time.
8259• 3. Financial difficulties.
8260• 4. Mental, physical, or emotional abnormalities.
8261Notice that sex comes first; and that, strangely enough, money
8262difficulties come only third on the list.
8263All authorities on divorce agree upon the absolute necessity for
8264sexual compatibility. For example, a few years ago Judge Hoffman of
8265the Domestic Relations Court of Cincinnati—a man who has listened
8266to thousands of domestic tragedies—announced: "Nine out of ten
8267divorces are caused by sexual troubles."
8268"Sex," says the famous psychologist, John B. Watson, "is admittedly
8269the most important subject in life. It is admittedly the thing which
8270causes the most ship-wrecks in the happiness of men and women."
8271And I have heard a number of practicing physicians in speeches
8272before my own classes say practically the same thing. Isn't it pitiful,
8273then, that in the twentieth century, with all of our books and all of
8274our education, marriages should be destroyed and lives wrecked by
8275ignorance concerning this most primal and natural instinct?
8276The Rev. Oliver M. Butterfield after eighteen years as a Methodist
8277minister gave up his pulpit to direct the Family Guidance Service in
8278New York City, and he has probably married as many young people
8279as any man living. He says: 
8280"Early in my experience as a minister I discovered that, in spite of
8281romance and good intentions, many couples who come to the
8282marriage altar are matrimonial illiterates." Matrimonial illiterates!
8283And he continues: "When you consider that we leave the highly
8284difficult adjustment of marriage so largely to chance, the marvel is
8285that our divorce rate is only 16 per cent. An appalling number of
8286husbands and wives are not really married but simply undivorced:
8287they live in a sort of purgatory."
8288"Happy marriages," says Dr Butterfield, "are rarely the product of
8289chance: they are architectural in that they are intelligently and
8290deliberately planned."
8291To assist in this planning, Dr Butterfield has for years insisted that
8292any couple he marries must discuss with him frankly their plans for
8293the future. And it was as a result of these discussions that he came
8294to the conclusion that so many of the high contracting parties were
8295"matrimonial illiterates."
8296"Sex," says Dr Butterfield, "is but one of the many satisfactions in
8297married life, but unless this relationship is right, nothing else can be
8298right."
8299But how to get it right? "Sentimental reticence"—I'm still quoting Dr
8300Butterfield—"must be replaced by an ability to discuss objectively
8301and with detachment attitudes and practices of married life. There is
8302no way in which this ability can be better acquired than through a
8303book of sound learning and good taste. I keep on hand several of
8304these books in addition to a supply of my own booklet, Marriage and
8305Sexual Harmony.
8306"Of all the books that are available, the three that seem to me most
8307satisfactory for general reading are: The Sex Technique in Marriage
8308by Isabel E. Hutton; The Sexual Side of Marriage by Max Exner; The
8309Sex Factor in Marriage by Helena Wright."
8310So,
8311• Rule 7 of "How to Make Your Home Life Happier" is: 'Read a good
8312book on the sexual side of marriage.
8313Learn about sex from books? Why not? A few years ago, Columbia
8314University, together with the American Social Hygiene Association,
8315invited leading educators to come and discuss the sex and marriage
8316problems of college students. At that conference, Dr Paul Popenoe
8317said: "Divorce is on the decrease. And one of the reasons it is on the
8318decrease is that people are reading more of the recognized books on
8319sex and marriage." 
8320So I sincerely feel that I have no right to complete a chapter on
8321"How to Make Your Home Life Happier" without recommending a list
8322of books that deal frankly and in a scientific manner with this tragic
8323problem.
8324----
8325• The Sex Side Of Life, by Mary Ware Dennett. An explanation for
8326young people. Published by the author, 24-30 29th Street, Long
8327Island City, New York.
8328• The Sexual Side Of Marriage, by M.J. Exner, M.D. A sound and
8329temperate presentation of the sexual problems of marriage. W.W.
8330Norton & Co., Inc., 70 Fifth Avenue, New York City.
8331• Preparation For Marriage, by Kenneth Walker, M.D. A lucid
8332exposition of marital problems. W.W. Norton & Co., Inc., 70 Fifth
8333Avenue, New York City.
8334• Married Love, by Marie C. Slopes. A frank discussion of marital
8335relationships. G.P. Putman's Sons, 2 West 45th Street, New York
8336City.
8337• Sex In Marriage, by Ernest R. and Gladys H. Groves. An informative
8338and comprehensive book. Emerson Books, Inc., 251 West 19th
8339Street, New York City.
8340• Preparation For Marriage, by Ernest R. Groves. Emerson Books,
8341Inc., 251 West 19th Street, New York City.
8342• The Married Woman, by Robert A. Ross, M.D., and Gladys H.
8343Groves. A practical guide to happy marriage. Tower Books, World
8344Publishing Company, 14 West 49th Street, New York City.
8345----
8346In a Nutshell
8347Seven Rules For Making Your Home Life Happier
8348• Rule 1: Don't nag.
8349• Rule 2: Don't try to make your partner over.
8350• Rule 3: Don't criticize.
8351• Rule 4: Give honest appreciation.
8352• Rule 5: Pay little attentions.
8353• Rule 6: Be courteous.
8354• Rule 7: Read a good book on the sexual side of marriage. 
8355In its issue for June, 1933, American Magazine printed an article by
8356Emmet Crozier, "Why Marriages Go Wrong." The following is a
8357questionnaire reprinted from that article. You may find it worth while
8358to answer these questions, giving yourself ten points for each
8359question you can answer in the affirmative.
8360For Husbands
83611. Do you still "court" your wife with an occasional gift of flowers,
8362with remembrances of her birthday and wedding anniversary, or with
8363some unexpected attention, some unlooked-for tenderness?
83642. Are you careful never to criticize her before others?
83653. Do you give her money to spend entirely as she chooses, above
8366the household expenses?
83674. Do you make an effort to understand her varying feminine moods
8368and help her through periods of fatigue, nerves, and irritability?
83695. Do you share at least half of your recreation hours with your wife?
83706. Do you tactfully refrain from comparing your wife's cooking or
8371housekeeping with that of your mother or of Bill Jones' wife, except
8372to her advantage?
83737. Do you take a definite interest in her intellectual life, her clubs and
8374societies, the books she reads, her views on civic problems?
83758. Can you let her dance with and receive friendly attentions from
8376other men without making jealous remarks?
83779. Do you keep alert for opportunities to praise her and express your
8378admiration for her?
837910. Do you thank her for the little jobs she does for you, such as
8380sewing on a button, darning your socks, and sending your clothes to
8381the cleaners?
8382For Wives
83831. Do you give your husband complete freedom in his business
8384affairs, and do you refrain from criticizing his associates, his choice of
8385a secretary, or the hours he keeps?
83862. Do you try your best to make your home interesting and
8387attractive?
83883. Do you vary the household menu so that he never quite knows
8389what to expect when he sits down to the table? 
83904. Do you have an intelligent grasp of your husband's business so
8391you can discuss it with him helpfully?
83925. Can you meet financial reverses bravely, cheerfully, without
8393criticizing your husband for his mistakes or comparing him
8394unfavourably with more successful men?
83956. Do you make a special effort to get along amiably with his mother
8396or other relatives?
83977. Do you dress with an eye for your husband's likes and dislikes in
8398colour and style?
83998. Do you compromise little differences of opinion in the interest of
8400harmony?
84019. Do you make an effort to learn games your husband likes, so you
8402can share his leisure hours?
840310. Do you keep track of the day's news, the new books, and new
8404ideas, so you can hold your husband's intellectual interest?
8405---------------------------
8406The Dale Carnegie Courses (Removed)
8407Other Books (Removed)
8408End