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1A Treatise On... The End
2
3 (or The Complete and Unabridged Works of El Grande Cabron)
4	Well, this is it, folks. The end of El Grande Cabron's many ruminations on life, the universe and everything. This author has run out of ideas for treatises.
5	It's a shame. No more talentless child stars to slag off, no more bullshit to rant about, just the last time you people of the Internet will read about what a trolley boy in RI thinks of life.
6	And, as this is the author's last treatise, the author will publish their entire back catalogue below (including 6 bonus treatises - at the end of the file). Feel free to read it all at your leisure, print it out, give to friends, use as drink coasters, whatever you want:
7——————————————————————————————————————TREATISES START HERE—————————————————————————————————————————————————————
8#1: A Treatise on Alcohol
9
10	Woobla. Goon. Rum. Mountain Dew. You name it, homo sapiens has many names for it. You can drink it for recreational purposes, for medicinal use, and if it's not flavoured, and if it's strong enough, it makes an excellent disinfectant.
11	Alcohol's been made and sold as long as humans have been around. The Ancient Egyptians brewed ale, and probably sold it by the keg or in alehouses, for example. Later on, sailors were given a ration of 'grog' (watered-down rum) when the water they carried on board ship got stagnant and carried disease.
12	Nowadays we mix the sailor's favourite with all sorts of fruit, fruit juice, etc to make something called a 'cocktail' which dumbfuck socialites sip on while blabbing about their meaningless shit lives, usually followed by a trip to the local lawman's drunk tank.
13	Over the years, attempts have been made to curb homo sapiens' drinking capability. Moonshiners often had their stills destroyed, the Eighteenth Amendment (also known as Prohibition) put a total ban on alcohol sale/supply (but ineffective owing to backroom breweries all over the country - hence the origin of 'bathtub gin') and the Temperance movement all attempted to contribute. Never worked. Once Prohibition was repealed, we went right back to boozing it up.
14	What sort of alcohol will you find for sale nowadays? The amount of varieties you can find is astounding. Not only variously flavoured beers and ales, but rum, gin and vodka in various different brands and strengths line store shelves in their hundreds, if not thousands. Not all of it is quality, though. -El Grande Cabron 
15
16#2: A Treatise on Autistics
17
18NB: This author previously published a treatise on sperglords - this treatise will expand on the subject.
19
20	Autistics, spergs, windowlickers. Whatever you call them, they're all fucking worthless. The autist has absolutely no concept of reality and cannot function within society. If you happened to guess that the author is referring to the most severe examples of autism, you would be correct.
21	A severely autistic person is also unable to practice good hygiene, and they often smell like a pile of dead cats crossed with an illegal brothel, which necessitates them being hosed down with a pressure washer twice a week by someone wearing a hazmat suit. Great entertainment if you happen to pass by and see the scene unfold.
22	Interpersonal relationships? Don't expect a miracle. Autistic people are either touchy-feely to the point they're a retarded version of your Uncle Perv who longer gets invited to the family Christmas party for obvious reasons, or they refuse to be intimate. It's either one or the other.
23	What do these stains on humanity eat? Whatever Save-Mart sells that can be thrown into a Radarange set on 'thermonuclear'. Chicken tendies, microwave meals, TV dinners, mac & cheese that looks like Big Bird's diarrhea, you name it, they'll shovel it down and grow fat as a result.
24	Drinks? Anything cheap and nasty. Energy drinks, soda, caffeine-laced soda, they go for it, especially if it's cheap.
25	Entertainment? Cartoon shows, anime, some movies. The autistic spends all day being bone idle watching or listening to shit they'll forget within five minutes. They usually rely on mobile devices now, but way way back in the bad old days when the market was saturated with tech that rarely lasted six months on sale, it was either a desktop or laptop that was powerful enough to handle video binges that was the prized possession of the autist. And it wasn't just movies and cartoons they liked:
26	Porn. How the hell an autistic can whack off to videos or photos of dumb blonde bimbos with tits the size of car tires, this author will never understand. The average autist probably binge-watches Pornhub when their family isn't looking, or has a smuggled device that isn't subject to parental controls.
27	Behaviour? Fucking awful. Autistics don't understand expectations, and will act out constantly, or act like complete dickheads to get what they want. Fairly self explanatory.
28	Clothing: Severe autistics, if they're obese, are difficult to buy clothes for. You're better off purchasing tarpaulins and cutting holes for arms and a head in them. And then there's all the other sensory crap that has to be dealt with, including said autistic chucking a mental if the clothes don't feel right to them and their frayed oversensitive nerves.
29	What should be the fate of the autist? There are a few options, euthanasia being one, or forced exile to Guam, in the author's opinion. -El Grande Cabron
30
31#3: A Treatise on Black People
32
33"Black people, gonna steal your shoes;
34Black people, we call 'em jigaboos;
35Black people, always in the news;
36Black people, victims of abuse" -Anonymous
37
38	The black person has been a fixture for hatred throughout history. Since time immemorial we've hated them for their skin colour, their actions and their way of talking, even to this day. The fact of the matter is, though some may bring shame upon themselves and their family, others work hard to improve their lives and those of the people around them. Those that shame themselves will be the subject of this treatise.
39	YouTube: easily accessible video sharing website. Believe it or not, any fool can make and post a video, and any fool does. And this author does not pity them. What started it all? $9.99 Walmart webcameras. Plug one into your computer and show your face to the internet! Fun for all the family! (Not really.) Black kids bought them by the ton, or at least their parents did, thinking they were doing something good. NOT SO!
40	The result is barely watchable, often with poor lighting, and the jive-talking and ghetto-posing subject trying to appear 'cool' for their friends. Top tip: Don't do this shit. It doesn't look good.
41	Jive talk... 'what up' 'yo girl' 'back atcha' 'wid' and other such terminology that barely passes as legible English, has to be heard to be believed. It's most common amongst kids on YouTube, be they black or otherwise. (and why said children on YouTube should have been banished off the website entirely - but that's for another treatise) These miscreants think that they're "cool" when all they're doing is acting the goat for a worldwide audience.
42	Ghetto posing... with the 'peace' symbol and that sort of thing: Do it once, mildly annoying. Do it twice, extremely annoying.
43	Then the subject matter of these videos. All shit. Usually ghetto-related (e.g. artificial hair, called 'weaves', fake nails, etc) and peppered with illegible jive talk, mainly because the subject screams into the microphone for whatever reason, or the microphone is of poor quality (most likely the latter).
44	There are also videos made by adults, where the usernames are even worse, the content is absolutely absurd and the titles are a mix of clickbait and jive talk. "GOTS MAH HAIR DID"... no thanks. This author would rather drink rum for two weeks straight than sit through a video with that title or equivalent. -El Grande Cabron
45
46#4: A Treatise on Black Friday
47
48	Ah, Black Friday. The worst day in any decent person's life. The day when historically, businesses reported a profit (hence the term 'in the black' referring to the ledger ink colour). The day when thousands of screaming idiots descend upon stores and turn them into a warzone while trying to buy items at a discount.
49	Let's start with the hordes that assemble outside a store hours before it has even opened. They're all queueing up like Olympic sprinters at the starting line waiting for the doors to open, and after that it's a mad, mad, mad, mad world.
50	These denizens of the discount sales are most often the WORST possible that society has to offer. They are loud, abrasive and generally unpleasant no matter what their size, shape, height or skin colour.
51	Once the shop doors open it's a madhouse. Children just as bad as the parents, if not worse, pushing, shoving, screaming just to buy random goods they may or may not need. If you want to see greed at its worst, visit a Black Friday sale.
52	And if fights ensue over one item, it ends up looking like a Mortal Kombat re-enactment. Entertaining to watch from a distance, but not if you end up in the thick of it. More often than not the police will be called to try and calm the situation, but whether or not they succeed is irrelevant as it immediately flares up again.
53	Your best option is to avoid the sales entirely, or just shop online, but even that is a crapshoot as items may arrive later than expected or not at all owing to some thieving little turd putting their hands in the parcel pile.
54	In conclusion: Black Friday is a cesspit. -El Grande Cabron
55
56#5: A Treatise on Caroline Costa
57
58	It boggles the mind how many god-awful child stars seem to be gaining notoriety in these times. Caroline Costa is no exception. One look at her and you're immediately confronted by a broken-down wreck of a face that looks like something that would pop up and startle you in a 1960s or 1950s era ghost train ride.
59	Her voice is nothing special, in fact it's worse than the norm. Far worse.
60	Some child stars may have singing voices like dead fish being smashed on concrete; moonshine-fueled Appalachian penis fencing or a hillbilly playing a steam calliope while being orally pleasured by Granny Gumjobs. Costa's flat, tuneless, tone-deaf voice pretty much ensures that she has no future as a child singer.
61	And after you have met her, you will wonder why the French pensioned off Madame Guillotine. Costa is excruciatingly annoying to be around, according to all the videos this author has seen. She talks at a million miles an hour and does not stop for anyone, a real Little Miss Chatterbox indeed.
62	If you really want to torture your eardrums and hear Costa at her worst, then hunt down YouTube for Caroline Costa's rendition of 'My Heart Will Go On' from Titanic (1997). Her voice is only raised a bit above flat, tuneless, and tone deaf here, and it ends up being equivalent to a drunken bar fight and a cat being bummed by someone using turpentine for lube at the same time.
63	If you were one of the unfortunate children that befriended Costa in her child stardom days, then this author takes pity upon you at having to deal with such a hideous, talentless strumpet. Treat yourself to some booze, because you have earned it.
64	If you are her parents, then shame be upon you for allowing this talentless no-hoper to steal the spotlight from some other deserving child. This author hopes you regret your life choices. -El Grande Cabron
65
66#6: A Treatise on Josephine Carr-Harris
67
68(Note from the author: This wench has probably quit showbusiness - to the great relief of all)
69
70	Josie, Josie, Josie. Where does this author even start? Ugly name, ugly face, ugly voice (like a drunken hillbilly playing a steam calliope). From the time this wench first saw the light of this world, she's been a blight and a bother to all those who have had contact with her.
71	There are some children who are far better off not being famous at all. Josie Carr-Harris is one of those. She may have been in showbusiness for quite a few years, but those few years were most likely full of pain and misery for anyone unfortunate enough to work with her.
72	One example involves her singing something called the "Moon Waltz" written by some bloke whose name the author can't spell. The original tune may have been fantastic, the lyrics may mean something, but unfortunately little Josie just cannot deliver.
73	Imagine if you will an eleven-year-old child being asked to sing, having had minimal prior experience. The result, in Carr-Harris' case, sounds like the aforementioned drunken hillbilly bashing on the keys of a steam calliope while being sucked off by an 80 year old prostitute with no teeth.
74	Another example, if you can find it on that hellhole of a video sharing site YouTube, is of her butchering some aria called "Lascia ch'io pianga". Eenis the blowjob-receiving steam calliope player can't sound like this, even if he tried. You'd need at least four more like him and four more Granny Gumjobs to be able to come even CLOSE to the quality of Josie's voice in this video.
75	As well as that, you can quite clearly see that she's got makeup on. Some poor makeup artist was paid to paint her face so she'd be visible on stage, and I'm willing to bet they get flashbacks from Carr-Harris' ugly mug. (Author's note: Big respect to the person with cojones big enough to paint Josie's hideous face. You're a legend and deserve all the free alcohol you can drink.)
76	Carr-Harris is one of those child stars that never quite deserved to make it big. Maybe she wasn't getting the roles she wanted to try for, or maybe the viewing public finally realised they'd been swindled when they bought tickets for a show featuring her. Whatever the reason, she disappeared from showbusiness and hasn't surfaced since, or maybe the wench is leading a private life far away from the spotlight (for the benefit of all). Who knows? Who cares. -El Grande Cabron
77
78#7: A Treatise on Delta Charlesworth
79
80	Delta Charlesworth. Australia's youngest singer-songwriter, and sub-par at both, in this author's opinion. Her songs are meaningless and full of the most amount of bullshit you can imagine.
81	Who wants to see a ten year old sing about going to town on a night out? No takers? Thought so. Ten year olds are better off building Lego, not dancing around posting shitty selfies to social media, like this bint Charlesworth most likely does.
82	And another one of her so called attempts at songwriting: 'I want more'. What does she fucking want? Food? Drink? More boys to give handjobs to behind the bike shed? Unless you've got a Diploma of English Literature and can read between the lines, don't attempt to try and understand any of this wench's song lyrics.
83	And she's dumped two more shit singles onto the music scene in Australia. 'If Looks could Kill' being one of them. Indeed, looks can kill, in Delta Charlesworth's case. She is like a modern day Medusa, in this author's opinion.
84	One look at her and you're standing there like a statue in complete shock, owing to the fact she has a face that belongs in a Halloween prop catalogue. Delta probably walked into a haunted house attraction and came out with a job application form. She is not even remotely attractive at all.
85	And what will be her fate when her singing career eventually fails to draw in coin? Probably standing out on the corner where her mother once did following in the family business i.e. the oldest trade in the world.
86	If you are her parents, and you are reading this treatise, then shame on you for bringing this miserable excuse for talent into the world. -El Grande Cabron
87
88#8: A Treatise on Child Modeling
89
90	Want to shame your offspring? Want to make them feel inadequate for society? Want them to feel that nothing else matters but their appearance? Child modeling's the best way to do it.
91	Any fool can model. Just dress up and get in front of a camera. However, for those who want to turn it into a career and make coinage to pay the bills, then they can sign on with one of umpteen thousand different modeling agencies which will put their name forward for jobs.
92	This author feels pity for those who represent child models and help them get work. Children are horrible, filthy, nasty things, and difficult, if not impossible, to deal with unless resorting to a good old fashioned ass whooping. To get a child to sit still in front of a camera is a mammoth task in itself, even if they supposedly "enjoy" the work.
93	For those who employ child models, this author hopes you have a selection of alcoholic beverages handy, as you will need to make use of them regularly. Especially once you have hired the precocious little brat and put them in front of the camera.
94	What sort of work can you put them to, if you are willing to deal with the miscreants of society that are somebody's crotchfruit? Advertising. Store catalogues. Posters. Billboards. Store modeling. The list goes on.
95	 One category stands out from all the rest for how god-awful it is: Swimsuit modeling. Who in their right mind would buy a piece of cheap polyester for their crotchspawn to swim and piss in when they visit the public pool for one season every year?
96	There are the swimsuit models themselves, none of who have even a remote chance at being attractive. They're either uglier than Quasimodo or fatter than a Biggest Loser auditionee, or both at once. They can also be stick-thin, but that doesn't take away from the fact their countenances look like something you'd see for sale in a Halloween prop catalogue.
97	Think swimsuit modeling was bad? Thought that modeling agencies couldn't possibly scrape the bottom of the barrel any further? You haven't seen the unfortunates picked to model makeup... yes, that's right. Clownpaint.
98	These particular degenerates are often the best of the bad bunch in a model agency on casting day. They may look bad enough without any makeup on, but once they're let loose on the cosmetics in question they end up like a cross between Quasimodo and a crackhead from Compton or some other shithole. Often they grow up as ugly as they were when young and will eventually die alone, without someone to grow old with.
99	Child models are a waste of oxygen and should, in conclusion, be outlawed. -El Grande Cabron
100
101#9: A Treatise on Children (aka those horrible, filthy, nasty things that Agatha Trunchbull is glad she wasn't)
102
103	'Children, horrible, filthy, nasty things. Glad I never was one.' -Agatha Trunchbull
104
105	Children. Crotchfruit. Anklebiters. Sprogs. Crotchspawn. You name it, there are many names for offspring of those who want to create them to bring forth a new generation of people into this harsh, cruel world.
106	The parents of said offspring don't know what they are getting into, until after they have finished bumping uglies and one of them ends up pregnant. 9 months later, another kicking, screaming imbecile is forced out of the comfort of a womb and into the cold, harsh reality of life.
107	Now, if you end up in this situation, what can you expect? For starters, hardly any sleep. Babies cry. A lot. When they're hungry, they cry. When they need you to wipe their arse after they've dropped a deuce in their diaper, they cry. When they want to be burped, they cry. Yeah, babies have difficulty with digestion sometimes, it's why we feed them slops or milk through the first year or so of their pathetic existence.
108	After Year 1, it kinda settles down a bit, they learn to talk, although their gibberish is at first hard to understand, and they start gaining an understanding of the world around them. But it doesn't get any easier. You still have to feed, clothe, house and care for the sprog, and if they get up on the wrong side of the crib for whatever unknown reason, you're in for it.
109	Two years old... there's a reason this is the 'terrible twos'. You'll be seeing a repeat of this again ten years later...
110	On up through the years, preschool, kindergarten, elementary school, middle school, high school and then graduation, it doesn't get any easier.
111	Let's take a bit of an aside towards the teenage years... also known in parenting parlance as 'Hell Week' for obvious reasons. This is the suffering you as a parent will go through if your crotchspawn is between the ages of 12 to 19 years inclusive.
112	Teenagers are whinging, whining, spiteful creatures that belong in a cage rather than out on the street. They have so many bullshit 'phases' you try to keep up with and end up making several failed attempts, and your crotchspawn hate you as a result.
113	Once they turn 19 and leave home, then despite the hell you went through for your crotchspawn, you still end up crying over them leaving to make their own mark in the world for some unknown reason. -El Grande Cabron
114
115#10: A Treatise on Child Singers
116
117	What's got the personality of a dead fish, the voice of a hillbilly being wanked off by Edward Scissorhands, and the stage presence of a store mannequin? Any child singer existing in the world.
118	These hard-to-please, self-obsessed shitbags decide one day that fame and fortune is for them, so they make their poor parents piss away a fortune on singing lessons that (they think) will get their little darlings into the top 40 charts, but in the end it comes down to naught because when their offspring go on stage and sing their little hearts out it sounds more like a petrol mower being run on dirty fuel than a Luciano Pavarotti wannabe.
119	Child singers don't just exist to end up on piss-poor excuses for talent shows and butcher opera tunes - nope, they've trashed about every genre of music imaginable from country & western to classical, multiple times over.
120	You name the tune, you can bet somewhere, somehow, there is a child singer that has destroyed that same tune with a cover version.
121	But their lack of talent is not the only thing that makes them unapproachable. A child singer often has a self-centred personality and generally does not take anything other than positive commentary well, if at all.
122	If you so much as hint that they sing about as well as a cat gang-bang on a hot tin roof then they'll either get pissy and complain to whoever would be dumb enough to listen to their bullshit or probably just think you're talking a load of crap.
123	As far as the history of child singers goes - they've been treading the boards since probably ancient times... but the most famous are the Castrati.
124	These were boys who sacrificed their balls for their careers, literally before the onset of puberty so the voice would stay high pitched for life. Most of them couldn't hit the high notes anyway, which meant they sacrificed their chance to grow up for nothing and are probably still hanging around with Peter Pan or Lampwick on Pleasure Island. As for modern day child singers, while they may not share the same fate as the Castrati (it not being necessary to remove a scrotum to achieve the voice of an angel, thanks to autotune) they're still complete and utter shite. There are very, and this author means VERY, few examples of decent child singers, if any at all.
125	All one has to do to see or hear their favourite tune be absolutely fucking slaughtered by a pre-pubescent slag with a face like a crack-addled tramp is visit any video or audio sharing website and click the magical 'Play' button. And if you do that, this author hopes you're not using headphones, because you will need a hearing check afterwards. Guaranteed.
126	As for the fate of the child singer after they turn 18? If their so called 'angelic' voice does not carry over into adulthood, then you will most likely find them fighting for a corner to stand on to profit from the oldest trade in the world, or sleeping in an alley after a long epic drinking binge. For those few who manage to maintain a career after they gain entrance into adulthood, there's almost a guarantee that they'll be burnt out within a few months or years and they'll have to get a real job.
127	What about a list of child singers to avoid purchasing music from, or listening to? This author recommends you give Google a search for 'list of child singers', find a name, an example of their performance, then phone 1-800-DILLIGAF (toll-free, 56k) and submit your example. Or, just slag them off on social media, or some such miserable excuse for a website.
128	But this author's modem's on the blink, so here's a list of shitbag singers to avoid like the plague:
129	Patricia Janeckova. Some Slovakian wench that got famous a few years back for doing SFA except singing opera with a voice like a drunken seaside donkey getting the world's worst handjob. Worst performance? "Panis Angelicus". -100 out of 10.
130	Jackie Evancho. Everyone's heard of this one. Never had any ability to speak of. -90/10.
131	Brianna Bishop. You'd think she was sponsored by Fourex beer, every time she opened her mouth to sing they broke sales records. Alcoholics Anonymous loves her, because they don't have to advertise they exist as often as they used to. Every time she performs, they gain 25 new members.
132	Josie Carr-Harris. This one never turned out a half-decent stage presence. Absolutely butchered every tune she was offered, and her voice is like a steam calliope being played by a drunken hillbilly with a bunch of drug-afflicted clowns on percussion.
133	Connie Talbot. A Pom with a weak, pathetic voice. You'd hear better from the Irish singing some old favourites like "Waxie's Dargle".
134	Tiarnie Coupland. Fucken hell. This author recommends you don't buy any music, if she has sold any.
135	Charlotte Church. Voice like a skeleton wanking in a tin, or a billygoat pissing in one.
136	Caroline Costa. This is one of the all-time worst child singers to date, in the author's opinion. Sub-standard voice - more like a retard playing their willy banjo than anything else. No stage presence, and has a face like one of Walter White's best customers.
137	There are plenty other examples of poor child singers too numerous to list here - but these are just a few. -El Grande Cabron
138
139#11: - - - - - A Treatise on Child Stars - - - - -
140
141	Child stars, those precocious little parasites that appear oh-so-perfect when little, then end up as trainwrecks, drug-addled or dead. In this treatise the author will attempt to explore the sad life of a child star, and explain why you should dissuade any crotchfruit you know from pursuing a career in the performing arts.
142	We will start with the perceived life of a child star, the endless glamour, fame and supposed happiness. As Catherine Tate's "Nan" character would say: 'What a load of ole SHIT!' The truth of the matter is, a child star's life is a drudgery. Early to bed, early to rise and a schedule that would drive most people to drink. If they aren't working, they're studying, whether it be acting, dance or schoolwork. And if they're not working or studying, they're sleeping. The only time they get to themselves is holidays, and even that's taken up by study or work.
143	Fame? Sure, everyone knows who you are, but if you're a child star and you make a mistake... you'll be hunting for another career to earn coin to keep your parents off the streets. Showbusiness magazines and t' local tabloid rag will print any screwups some child star makes and you can practically guarantee you won't be hearin' of them in the showbusiness arena after that.
144	Glamour? Child stars that look presentable enough to be on screen are a rarity these days. Most of them look like Miss Piggy, or worse, Miss Piggy's meth-addicted cousin she is no longer on speaking terms with. There are some that can be rendered semi-presentable with enough makeup to keep Max Factor in business indefinitely, but for the most part, good looking child stars are rarer than hens' teeth.
145	Happiness? Your average child star is burnt out by the start of their teen years with all the work/study they have had to undertake. They have barely enough time to be themselves, or around friends, cause they're always chasing the brass ring of fame and fortune. Is it any wonder most of them turn out to be complete trainwrecks by the time they get to their adult years?
146	The roles a child star can take are many and varied. They may portray a smart, nerdy kid, a bully, or that $2 whore that gave you the clap last week in Jonestown, to name a few. It all depends on what they look like. (according to their headshot - a photograph of their face from the top of the skull to the shoulders).
147	Some childstars may be controversial, either because of their personal life or because of the roles they have been hired to portray. Some may end up with so much controversy that they quit the business and/or find another career/go back to school.
148	Controversial roles? Sure. Plenty of those up for the taking. Junkies, thieves, and sometimes harlots (the latter can most often be found at child beauty pageants worldwide). If the actor pulls it off well, then they get themselves an excellent resume. If they don't, then it's curtains for their career, unless they claw their way back to the top somehow.
149	"Anyone who supports a child actor is a fool. Anyone who acts as a child is an imbecile." - The Author
150
151#12: A Treatise on Christmas (and why the Puritans had their shit together)
152
153	It's the most wonderful time of the year, so the song goes. Lights, gifts, trees so fucking tall you need to hire Dodgy Dave's Crane Co. to lift them where you want them, the whole meat and two veg.
154	Actually, Christmas is a load of ole shit, to paraphrase Joannie "Nan" Taylor. Who in their right mind would destroy their eardrums with cheap songs by singers dressed like they just got hired at the sleaziest sex den known to all? Who would stand in line for hours to buy something then find it sold for $20 off at another store 20 metres away? Who likes fairy lights, Christmas decorations, dressing up? NO ONE SANE, that's who.
155	Walk into any mall after the 1st of November and you'd think it was a month later. They waste no time putting the decorations up and the Christmas muzak through the PA system. The muzak itself is terrible, with or without a PA system to boost it.
156	It's extremely shit covers of popular seasonal tunes, often done by a rag-tag mob of no-hopers who have probably sat around for half an hour sniffing glue before taking up their instruments and abusing the hell out of them to produce cover versions of holiday tunes that make you wish you had Freddy Krueger or Lorena Bobbitt on speed dial.
157	And while the muzak may be ear-destroying, the singers themselves sound like they're rejects from The X Factor or Got Talent or The Voice or one of those shows where contestants with no talent at all try to win shit.
158	Doubly so for the child singers, who, the announcer claims, have "angelic" voices, but in fact sound like a cat being bummed by someone using turpentine for lubricant on a hot tin roof.
159	Public appearances of famous singers butchering holiday tunes are best avoided. Buying a ticket to see them live is like pissing against a wall: utterly fucking pointless. Don't bother. Go buy some booze at the local liquor store instead, that way you will get value for money.
160	The mall decorations are extremely tacky. It's the same shit they drag out, year in, year out, dust it off and hang it up for a few measly months in every year. Bloody great trees that Dodgy Dave's Crane Co. probably spent ten minutes putting up, only for them to topple over and break shit hours later (and if aforementioned trees fall upon a child singer that was formerly butchering Christmas hits then that'd be well worth the price Dodgy Dave probably charges).
161	Some malls piss away money on holiday animatronic displays. Those are great fun to watch, but only if they're malfunctioning to the point that Frosty the Snowman looks like they're filling the wank bank instead of waving to the crowds. Seriously. The Five Nights at Freddy's fandom would have a field day observing those. If an animatronic display is operating to standard, it's not worth watching.
162	Mall lighting is doubly as terrible as it appears to be during the Christmas season. All those extra strings of lights up do nothing but add to the misery.
163	Don't forget all the cheap signs in the windows of many stores, all with happy shoppers exiting with bags of merchandise blissfully unaware they've paid as much as the price of a small car for most of the shit that they're going to end up regifting, returning to the store or reselling on eBay.
164	Oh, and promotions. Yeah, there is the odd sale, or ten, and 'special price' items... but the worst promotion is when it's an 'everything must go' sale. Shoppers pack in like sardines just to fight over the last toaster oven, or flatscreen TV... it's like Black Friday, but about a hundred times worse.
165	The mall carparks get jammed with idiots all trying to get that one carpark closest to the entrance, often resulting in 'carpark rage' (don't forget the popcorn). Once you have the carpark of your choice, then you'd better have someone sit and guard your vehicle, cause those so called 'vehicle alarms' are a piece of fucking shit, and the amount of holidaymakers arrested for theft from vehicles during Christmas season is triple of all the other 11 months of the year combined.
166	Everyone seems to be out and about this time, visiting friends, shopping, drinking, eating and making merriment for no good reason. In any typical holiday period you will find someone either with their arms full of merchandise, a bellyful of food, or drunk from one too many drams o' whiskey.
167	The worst offenders are the ones that dress up to the fucking nines and walk around in their little groups, all trolloping around like a bunch of strumpets going to a show, wandering around aimlessly with no purpose other than to spam social media with their pathetic lives.
168	The second worst offenders are the hipsters. Long hair, beards, often rotund and looking like the 'before' photograph of a diet campaign advertisement, these idiots are much the same as the worst offenders, except they tend to dress down, not up. Cargo shorts three sizes too small for their mass of flab, T-shirts that look more like tarpaulins with armholes and smell of stale Cheetos, Ding Dongs, Twinkies and Mountain Dew (the soda, not the alcohol) and dollar store trainers that look like they've seen 20 hard years of service.
169	Third worst offenders? Tweenagers. If they're not out sniffing glue, or skateboarding, they're out stealing, especially from malls. If it isn't nailed down, a tweenager will take it. They also like turning shopping malls into a skatepark or even a BMX track, and will often cry that they're being victimised when mall security removes them from the premises.
170	Christmas food is probably a treatise in itself, but it will be covered here in some limited detail. It is often well-decorated (at least on the box), but is often tasteless, cheap and nasty to the point where it belongs in the bottom of your council dustbin.
171	Sure, you may see the $1 for 3 deals at your local Save-Mart, but what are you pissing your coinage away for? The most revolting slop humankind can produce, bar none. If it is grossly out of date, or repackaged from last year, or so mouldy it has its own ecosystem growing on it, then it's probably in the clearance aisle for a reason: IT'S FUCKING SHIT!
172	Seriously. Who the fuck buys pre-packaged Christmas food these days, other than lazy fucks who end up looking like auditionees for The Biggest Loser? Get up off your arse, spend your dollars on ingredients and make your own food at home. It's not that hard, people!
173	Anyway, onto the food. It's your standard fare, puddings, gingerbread, desserts, and maybe a bit of turkey or two. But if it's pre-packaged, it's better off in the bin. (apart from the turkey, that's usually half decent)
174	Every fool wants to build a gingerbread house these days - so they often wander down to the store and get a pre-made model ready to go, and then curse themselves when they can't get the house to look like the illustration cause they haven't mixed the icing right, or the decorations are missing from the packet cause there was a factory fuckup, or a thousand and one other bullshit reasons no one gives a monkey's babymaker about anyway.
175	Puddings. The pre-mixed ones are fit only for the bin. Sure, it's easy, toss a packet of powder in a bowl, add water, stir it, throw in a pan and bake in an oven for umpteen million hours until it looks like a lump of charcoal but tastes sweet, remove, serve with icecream and watch everyone vomit (that last part is the most entertaining). The same for many a pre-made Christmas dessert. Save your coinage and just buy chocolate instead.
176	As for alcohol? It's bought by the truckload to be sold to idiots who want to show off by buying one bottle of super-expensive wine or some such spirit. Eat, drink and be merry? Sure, be merry alright, until Uncle Perv has one stein too many and disappears under the table for the Christmas peep show.
177	Alcohol is one of those substances that you're better off without, unless you want to drink too much of it and end up living under a bridge until they carry you off in a discount-store pine box. Being around family members for Christmas is the only time you should stock up on alcohol, or just being around family members in general.
178	They say Christmas is a time for family, but that's a load of ole shit, having to put up with family members you never see for the other 364 days in the year (and soon find out why), and their ratbag crotchfruit running wild, complaining about their gifts and generally raising all kinds of hell. (and making you wish you could befriend Agatha Trunchbull)
179	And, no treatise on the "most wonderful time of the year" would be complete without gifts. Meaningless little parcels of misery that end up covered in $1 paper and string, offered to someone who will never appreciate it, and end up selling it on eBay for half its original value, then spending the money on a dram of whiskey and getting blackout drunk.
180	What sort of gifts do complete idiots offer each other on Christmas? It depends, whether it's cheap sweaters, food, or some item of technology that never fucking worked properly in the first place even after you read the instructions umpteen billion times and plugged cable A into socket B the right way up (the latter being often the most expensive and the most disappointing).
181	Sure, you can regift, sell or just piss your unwanted crap away to the nearest charity shop, but it's better off just leaving a sign out saying 'NO GIFTS UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES - Ignore this sign at your peril'. Saves a hell of a headache later when sorting crap out. 
182	History lesson time! Did ya know: Christmas was banned once upon a time? Yep, that's right. A couple hundred years ago in the 1600s, a fella called Oliver Cromwell overthrew the British monarchy and the whole country ended up living under very simple times. No theatre, no fun, no Christmas, especially, which is just about the only plus that Cromwell gave the world, for a short time. Eventually, he was defeated, the monarchy was restored, and they all lived happily ever after. (Christmas is still a load of ole shit, though) - El Grande Cabron
183
184#13: A Treatise on Jackie Evancho
185
186	In this author's opinion, Jackie Evancho has zero talent, zero ability and zero stage presence. She is a prime example of what stage parents can produce when they have a mind to.
187	How she hasn't failed miserably as a child singer is beyond this author's comprehension. She has a face like a crackhead version of a 1950s ghost train prop, and a singing voice that sounds like a shortbus full of speds all playing their willy banjos. Onstage she is little more than a statue with lipstick and a dress, and even that does little to enhance her presence.
188	Every single song that Jackie has released has been either lackluster, poor or just plain fucking awful. She absolutely trashed an old standard "When I Fall in Love" (that has been covered by more artists than this author's had hot dinners) - with her vocals and a second-rate house music band that had probably been sniffing glue before they took up their instruments. The entire song sounds less like an emotional ballad and more like the annual Appalachian Mountains Moonshine Tasting & Penis Fencing Contest. (the latter being great value for money, in the author's opinion)
189	This author feels sorry for all those who have had to deal with Jackie Evancho on either a personal or professional level, and wishes that they could get free booze as compensation, because after dealing with her it will, most certainly, be required.
190	Shame on you, if you are Evancho's parents, for bringing your miserable crotchfruit into the world of showbusiness. -El Grande Cabron
191
192#14: A Treatise on Fat People
193
194	Infant hippos, Porky Pigs, walking pumpkins, fatties, lardos, gorditos/gorditas... fat people get called a variety of names.
195	You see them everywhere. In the mall, in the library, on the bus, taxis, planes, trains and automobiles, always with their hand having a death grip on some random foodstuff they cram down their throat that has more fat than a gallon tub of lard.
196	Oreos, chips, crisps, discount soda, Twinkies, Ding Dongs, Ho Hos, you name it, someone who looks like one of Jabba the Hutt's many relatives will consume it.
197	It's always mildly amusing to see the ways they shamble around, if they are physically able to walk at all, owing to the fact that their legs support way more than they were designed for. Of course, some of them are so obese that they require the use of mobility aids such as walking sticks etc.
198	Fat people, no matter their age, are hideously ugly. Kind of like Shrek after he's been trying to beat a decade-long crack addiction, but slightly worse. Some fat people are so damn ugly that they're sure of getting no paid employment outside of a haunted attraction (ghost train, walkthrough haunted house, etc).
199	As for children unfortunate enough to have more chins than a Chinese telephone book, they're the ones that seem to appear more on the Intertubes for one reason or another (most notably, that hellhole of a website YouTube). If a fat child by some small miracle manages to put together a poorly made YouTube video without the YouTube gods smiting their channel out of existence, then it is no small wonder said video gets next to fuck all views. (Author's aside: Get your shit together, YouTube, banish all children videos to their own section of YouTube separate from everything else)
200	Walmart seems to have their fair share of hippopotamuses browsing the aisles too, although they tend to ride slightly modified Rascals or equivalent, and regularly tip them over while trying to reach a jumbo bag of potato crisps or Twinkies, or 2 litre bottles of soda.
201	Another place you find fat people aplenty: the beach. Always during the summertime, fat people come out to suntan, taking up the same amount of sand as three people lying parallel on separate towels.
202	If that's not bad enough, then seeing them queued up at the food canteen/kiosk/truck waitin' to stuff their pockets with two for $5 or whatever the going rate is for corndog specials will make you wish they'd devour a salad instead. -El Grande Cabron
203
204#15: A Treatise on Holidays
205
206	Holidays - harbingers of misery at the fact some other idiot is out having a good time. Cocktails by the beach, overpriced food, bare arses burnt red raw by the unforgiving sun, you can be sure that a holiday is just another bottomless pit to throw away good money.
207	Let's start with getting there. Sure, who doesn't love sitting in gridlock on the M1 to attempt to catch a flight to some tropical shithole? Or sitting next to someone the size of an infant hippopotamus on a cross-country Greyhound trip, breathing in a combination of second hand cigarette smoke and whatever crawled into their intestines and died the previous night? Or how about spending time in an Uber with someone you never met, hearing them talk about how wonderful THEIR holiday/life will be, when you're barely even sure whether you'll have enough money to pay for said Uber after expending a small fortune on the airline tickets and hotel? Some say getting to a holiday is the worst part of it, and they may be correct, but that is not THE worst part.
208	Hotels. Ranging from Sleazy Joe's Rack n' Crack (sub-0.5 star, good police presence) to a 5-star where even the waiters bunk with you so they can wait on you hand and foot, they all have one thing in common: They're all shit.
209	Complimentary items aside, once you check in to one of these dungheaps, it's all the same. Cheap furniture that looks like it was hacked together by a drunken high schooler in wood shop, a TV that plays the same two channels as the pizzeria across the street and has no functioning remote, and if you're lucky, WiFi slower than your grandmother on a Rascal (which also costs a small fortune to use).
210	The bathrooms are indifferently tiny, with half the space taken up by a massive tub that's a three in one: shower cum bathtub cum jacuzzi (and don't start with the 'hur hur he said cum' jokes - it's Latin, means 'as well as').
211	The toilet seems to be missed by the cleaning crew when they come to do what they gotta do. Clean, that is. Probably explains why it always smells.
212	And then there is the hokey little kitchen. A refrigerator barely big enough to stuff two loaves of bread and a bottle of milk in, but will gladly hold three six-packs of booze and have enough room to stuff in another few cans if the need arises. A stovetop that barely fucking works after being turned on full power for hours by the last group of idiots to stay there, a hokey little toaster oven that stinks of burning plastic owing to the fact the handle on the little tray inside is starting to melt after a couple hundred sausage rolls have been heated up to a temperature that makes them slightly edible, and a sink that smells of rotten food even though it's spotless.
213	The bedrooms are terrible. Especially the beds. You are almost guaranteed a rough sleep if it's a cheap motel, as the bedsprings have been all but destroyed by the last slut who stayed there. The pillows are often flat, the blanket hasn't been blasted with a power washer so there's stains all over it, and THOSE you don't want to know the origin of, I guarantee it.
214	And what will you be charged, money wise, for staying in one of these hellholes? Anything from $100 to a couple thousand dollars per night, depending on how good the establishment is.
215	Amenities? Sure, they got 'em. Swimming pools, water slides, even arcade machines and cinemas... all entirely wastes of money.
216	The arcade machines are the worst. Mediocre at best, most of them are from the early 1990s and barely functioning, if they work at all in the first place. Still, the anklebiters gather round 'em, and I'm not entirely sure why. Maybe it gives their parents a break from whoopin' 'em or maybe they're bored, who cares.
217	The swimming pools are invariably awful. They reek of chlorine and are often pissed in by anklebiters.
218	If there are waterslides adjoining, they are also terrible at best, awful at worst, loaded with screaming crotchfruit who don't care for anyone but themselves. If it wasn't for the chlorinated water, the waterslides would also reek of urine.
219	Hotels aren't the only things awful about holidays. Tourist destinations are often full of screaming, photo-obsessed tourists, who will take ten or twenty photos just to find that one 'perfect' one to upload to social media to show the world what a good time they're having. And if that's not all, the gift shop has shit-awful quality souvenirs they can send off to Uncle Barry and Auntie Flo for a small fortune in postage costs.
220	You may encounter some holiday event, such as a themed dinner. These are best avoided as they are full of idiots, drunken louts and the odd wench trying a spot of karaoke, trying to sound like the next Whitney Houston but actually imitating a cross between a fire truck siren and a cat that just had a turpentine enema. If you are asked to attend one of these events, you are better off declining.
221	The best day of a holiday is the day you pack up and leave the hotel to go home, and wonder why you wasted all that money.
222	'Show me a holidaymaker, and I'll show you someone who was born with no brains' - El Grande Cabron
223
224#16: A Treatise on Patricia Janeckova (worst opera singer this side of Palookaville)
225
226	There are people in the world that are adored and looked up to as role models, and those that are best avoided. Patricia "Patka" Janeckova fits into the latter category.
227	She was born near the end of the 1990s, a decade when the Internet was just getting started, and probably annoyed the hell out of her poor parents with a desire to be famous like every other aspiring stuck-up little shit she probably saw on local telly, resulting in them probably enrolling her for singing lessons. What she should have gotten is a good ass-whooping instead.
228	After thousands of dollars (or whatever the Slovakian currency is) spent on her ambition, Patka tried out for the local talent quest, and managed to charm several judges (including someone who looks like an older version of Luke Kelly from the Dubliners) into letting her into the next round of the show after butchering an opera tune called "Con te partiro" (English translation: Time to say goodbye).
229	After this, the wench apparently won said talent show after several rounds with a singing voice like a drunk seaside donkey getting the world's worst handjob, and this author has no fucking clue how she managed to win.
230	A small aside on looks. She is not even remotely attractive. You would have to be beyond blackout drunk to even want to date her. "Patka" has a face like a crackhead Good Luck Troll doll, with a side of acne and warts. Pizza complexion, you might say. No amount of name-brand stage makeup would fix THAT face. She could keep liquor stores in business indefinitely with it, too. (and probably has, given the rise in local Alcoholics Anonymous membership)
231	As for her stage presence? Think store mannequin with a side of poor hand gestures. She's always gesticulating. Maybe that improves breathing for opera singers, but it doesn't improve her voice. Still the same god-awful shit it was from her first audition.
232	You name it, the wench will sing it. Opera, classical crossover, she's even butchered Andrew Lloyd Webber-penned tunes a time or two. Plenty of examples can be found on the author's least favourite video sharing site, YouTube. Want to see her audition? Better have some alcohol handy. -El Grande Cabron
233
234#17: - - - - - A Treatise on "Lolcows" (and why they should be removed from the Internet) - - - - - 
235by El Grande Cabron
236
237	Lolcows - that's what they call 'em. We laugh at them, and milk them for amusement. But with the way the world is going, is it time to call an end to allowing the lolcow to inhabit the bowels of the Internets?
238	Before we get into a serious discussion on this, let me provide some background into what a lolcow is:
239	Lolcow n. A strange and amusing individual on the Internet who exhibits themselves with the unintended consequence of making other people laugh at them.
240	Your typical lolcow is usually someone who does not know what they are putting on the Internet for all to view is downright stupid, dangerous or a combination of both. They may also be mentally ill; live with parents or relatives; generally eat/drink unhealthy food, contributing to their mental poverty; and generally end up ostracised by the rest of normal society as a result of their actions.
241	Therefore, an argument could be put forward that impressionable people (such as anklebiters, crotchfruit or your next door neighbour's hellspawn) would 'look up' to the antics of the lolcow and aspire to be them.
242	This contributes to the general moral decay of civilisation, therefore, the lolcow in question should be permanently banned from the Internet (or just whatever websites they use to make a fool of themselves online).
243	Many other arguments can be put forward, such as the lolcow is endangering others or themselves with their actions, or neglect, mental illness, etc.
244	What will it take to get a lolcow off the Internet? Currently, a few options are available:
245	* Parents/guardians/relatives/etc: If the parents of a lolcow are informed of their offspring's antics online, a good set of parents will pull the plug on their activities, or try and redirect them to spend their time doing something more useful online.
246	* Internet filters: These generally don't work too well for a variety of reasons, but these will stop all but the most determined lolcows from shaming themselves online if the filters are set up competently enough.
247	* Legal recourse: This is a 'last resort' option. Currently, there is no precedent in any country (that this author has heard of) for removing someone's access to the Internet entirely for making a nuisance of themselves online. (Feel free to send corrections to 1-800-DILLIGAF [toll free 56k modem line] if you believe this author has made an error.) The responsibility for removing someone from a certain website entirely rests with the owner/operator of that website. If a lolcow commits any crimes, however, they will be judged by the legal system according to the laws they have broken, whether or not the crime in question involves the Internet.
248	* Death or serious injury requiring long-term hospitalisation of the lolcow in question.
249	Famous lolcows? Sure, there's plenty, the most famous example being Chris-Chan. Drop a search term into any search engine for "list of lolcows" or similar and you're guaranteed to while away an hour or two reading about the infamous people that have named and shamed themselves online in various interesting and maddening ways.
250	Should lolcows be removed from the Internet? That entirely depends on who you ask. On the one hand, they provide a source of amusement for those who like to follow their antics. On the other, they are a danger to themselves and others and should be removed from society. Unless some form of legal recourse exists or is created to remove 'dangerous' people (e.g. lolcows) from the internet, lolcows will always be around to amuse and entertain, or piss off other people, depending on your interpretation.
251- - - - - - - - - - EOF - - - - - - - - - - -
252Written by El Grande Cabron. Reader-supplied corrections to this text to be sent to 1-800-DILLIGAF (56k compatible).
253
254#18: A Treatise on Malls
255
256	Malls - those ever-popular buildings the size of a small city where one can find almost anything that's ever been for sale. The average mall today gets more traffic than a bordello during a firesale, even though there are next to no stores still operating in most of them.
257	And what of the denizens of the average mall, those dumbfuck shoppers that come to piss away their money then get nothing in return? Why do they show up? Where do they go? How many types of them are there? The author will provide you with the answers:
258	1. The Honest Shopper. This type invariably shows up with a genuine interest in what the stores are offering, and will go home with empty pockets, but full shopping bags. Worth their weight in gold.
259	2. The 'Filfee Feeving Bastards'. Also known as pickpockets, no-hopers, jokers and rogues. About as useful as a free tooth extraction sans Novocaine. They will invariably return to a store they have been banned from and refuse to leave, necessitating a trip to the police station.
260	3. Tweens/Teens. Pathetic individuals who delight in hanging around and causing problems for everyone who walks by them or gets too close. Keep at arm's reach and do not trust them.
261	4. Mall Teasers. Like #3, but dressed like they're paid by the hour. Avoid, avoid, avoid. Cannot stress this enough. This type is nothing but trouble. (see further down this treatise for more information)
262	5. Pets. (yes, domesticated animals). They piss and shit everywhere and their owners don't give a damn. Often seen tied up outside stores and left for several hours.
263	Why do they come to a mall? Most likely bored, or needing to purchase some item they cannot possibly do without, providing some lame excuse as to why they cannot go home without it, such as it being the latest fashion, etc. Some show up just to gawk at the sales, complain at the prices items are then go home and find the same thing on eBay for significantly less coinage.
264	Kids in malls are a pain in the arse, to put it bluntly. They're loud, run around all the damn time, testing the patience of their parents and the people around them who don't want to be harassed by someone else's crotchfruit. Even if they're put in the play area for a few hours they're still causing misery to other children. In short: They're a fucking nuisance. Children, like Agatha Trunchbull stated, are horrible, filthy, nasty things.
265	And if you think the kindergarteners can't possibly be worse when they grow up, think again. Tweenagers are nothing more than scumbags hell-bent on ruining a good shopping experience for everyone else, and it is why many malls have implemented adult escort rules (not the kind of escort you pay for a good time, nudge nudge, wink wink) - these rules basically state that anyone under 18 in the mall has to have an adult with them at all times, no exceptions. What sort of behaviour prompts malls to implement adult escort laws, then?
266	1. Fighting. This one's self explanatory.
267	2. Thievery. Artful Dodger these idiots aren't. They'll get caught 99% of the time and blame it on someone who wasn't remotely near them at the time.
268	3. Noise pollution. Tweens, if they're not haulin' around the miniaturised equivalent of Mr Zack Morris' brick phone to text/send pics to their friends, will talk. Loudly. If you like your eardrums, talking to a bunch of tweens is not the best option you can exercise.
269	4. Strumpets galore. Tweens will do anything to be noticed, even if it includes parading around a mall looking like Bozo the Clown with a midriff top trying to be noticed by boys. If you are a tween boy and you decide to 'hook up' with one of these trollops, be careful or you'll be buying a ticket to Gonorrheaville.
270	5. Backtalk. Tweens, when confronted by authority, most often get thrown up Shit Creek without a paddle for the simple fucking reason that they like to argue with someone who is older, wiser and knows the trouble the tween will get into if they do something stupid. There's no way to stop them beforehand, either. If a tween wants to act the goat, they will.
271	And a final word on retail therapy: It's a load of ole shit! There's nothing therapeutic about wandering on down to a mall, browsing the large variety of items for sale and returning home with thirty bags of shite you'll throw in a cupboard and never see again until next year's garage sale.
272"Show me someone who spends their free time at the mall and I'll show you someone who's a glutton for punishment" -El Grande Cabron
273
274#19: A Treatise on Marriage/Weddings
275
276	I don't know why people bother to wed. Maybe it's cause they want to lay claim to someone to grow old with. Maybe it's cause they just want money, or fame, or something else like that.
277	As far as marriage goes - the worst part of it is watching two people pledge that they'll love each other till death do them part. What a waste. You can find better ways to piss away a morning, like going fishing, for example.
278	Who'd want to stand out in the hot sun for an hour, wait for some girlie dressed all in white with a veil covering Bozo the Clown makeup to show up, walk down the aisle next to some poor unfortunate who 'gives her away' to the groom, who is probably wondering what the hell he signed on for, and then watch them read vows, exchange rings, kiss and then go for a feed to "celebrate" the newlywed couple?
279	All that abovementioned crap is nothing but the prologue to a Punch and Judy show. (Never heard of one? Google 'Punch and Judy show') But the worst part is yet to come.
280	The reception... reception of what? Two unlucky souls, doomed to be parted in 6 months no matter what they said to each other? Two people who have chosen to grow old with each other, but don't realise how futile this endeavour is? Two people who initially love each other, but will soon fall out and divorce?
281	The other horrible fact about wedding receptions: Food. No matter what caterer gets enlisted at short notice, whether the food is fresh or not, it still tastes like it's been nuked in a 1950s Radarange. You're better off going to the fish and chip shop and getting your own food there. It may be greasier than a Teddy Boy's hair but it'll save you from food poisoning.
282	Speeches? They're all the same happy go lucky, false optimism, congratulations newlyweds crap. Get up, get to the point, sit down again. "I give them 6 months" is a good starting point.
283	As for gifts, you might as well give the newlyweds something they'll never forget, never forget to dispose of at a charity shop that is.
284	If the marriage goes sour, then one of the newlyweds is gonna find himself in front of the divorce lawyer, arguing over who ends up with what when they finally call time on their union. And usually the groom gets unlucky and ends up broke afterwards, which is all I need to say on that subject.
285	In short - don't waste your time finding someone to grow old with. They'll only cause you pain and you'll wish you had some alcohol to drink to drown your sorrows with. -El Grande Cabron
286
287#20: A Treatise on Shalane McCall
288
289	Dallas, one of the greatest soap operas of our time, brought down in the ratings not by poor storylines, or poorly shot episodes, but by a wench on the rags with the acting capability of a drunk, horny walrus.
290	Let this author introduce you to Shalane McCall. At the ripe old age of 10 years, she was hired to portray a pint-sized nobody character with half a brain and about as much common sense as a drunk pissing against a wall at the end of a Friday night barcrawl.
291	Shalane is a rare case in that she is semi attractive. Most boys would still have to drink a bit of alcohol to put up with her face, and when she was still in the acting trade she probably visited the panelbeater a few times a week.
292	Did Shalane have any dress sense? No. Her fashion choices were probably dragged out of a charity store bin. She was always wearing clothes that were at least ten years out of date for most, and wondering why all the other schoolchildren were always making jokes about her appearance.
293	As for her acting, this author has seen her scenes. Lackluster, no emotion to the character at all, it's a wonder she wasn't fired within weeks. (For the record, she lasted about 6 years on Dallas, give or take a few months) -El Grande Cabron
294	Note from the Author: This treatise is shorter than most because Shalane never did any acting work other than her lackluster Dallas episodes (as far as the author knows), and those have become painful to watch unless intoxicated. She's no longer in showbusiness, which is a benefit to all.
295
296#21: A Treatise on Nikka Costa
297
298	Nikka Costa. Same last name as another unrelated wench, and absolutely no ability as far as singing or dancing goes. Released a few albums, none of which this author can remember the names of, probably for the best.
299	How does your voice sound to this author, Costa? Like two drunk bonobo monkeys penis fencing on top of a hot tin roof in the middle of summer. Yes, that fucking awful, second only to Eenis the Appalachian steam calliope player being orally pleasured by Granny Gumjobs.
300	Some of this wench's songs include 'First Love' although for many who listened to her, their 'first love' was a big bottle of fine moonshine whiskey. She even had a bash at butchering the theme from that second rate movie 'Ice Castles' about some inspiring skater or something. Probably Nikka's worst song out of the lot that she managed to get released for some reason or another.
301	If you do manage to find both her albums for sale, do not, whatever you do, buy them. DO NOT! You will have wasted your money and contributed funds to feed another piss-poor child singer who never had any talent to begin with.
302	The only talent Nikka Costa probably had would have been dancing round a pole at the Jiggly Room, but even then, the punters would be throwing rocks at her, not money.
303	(Aside note: Nikka Costa's father died when she was just 11 years old. Probably of shame when he found out what a piss-poor excuse for talent he'd fathered.)
304	Another song of Costa's not worth listening to: her rendition of 'Tomorrow' from the musical 'Annie'. This author will describe now what this sounds like: The absolute worst performance, bar none, of a child singer. This rendition is like a ten-cat gangbang on a hot tin roof with turpentine for lubricant. How she even managed to sell more than 5 copies is beyond even this author's capability for understanding.
305	Overall rating, Costa? -100/10. Don't bother to release another album. Just retire from showbusiness and we can all die happy. -El Grande Cabron
306
307#22: A Treatise on Online Gaming (and why it's gone to complete shit)
308
309	Online gaming... it's been around longer than you might think. Forget seeing pre-pubescent kids with screechy voices screaming abuse through Walmart-quality microphones. The roots of online gaming go back to the days when computers filled entire rooms and cost a small fortune to operate. People would program games to be played between two computers equipped with modems slower than your average windowlicker to pass the time in between extremely tedious tasks like programming the computer to calculate how much tax is owned by the population of Guam, for example.
310	These early games, being ancient, had no graphics most of the time (there were some exceptions) so they were text-based, Rogue being a half-decent example that this author has tried out in the past.
311	And before we get too in-depth about how "good" online gaming used to be, let's go back to the present (with a small bit of leeway):
312	Online gaming really took off with Flash/Java based games in the 90s, then came RuneScape in the 2000s, followed by a whole host of others, CounterStrike, Call of Duty, etc, culminating in Fortnite, Minecraft etc. Pretty much any video game with a multiplayer aspect.
313	But, for every online game that makes it in the world, there's one reason or another why it goes downhill. Maybe it's the game itself, buggy, glitchy or just plain godawful for one reason or another. Maybe it's the players (in fact, it most often is).
314	Onto the denizens of the online gaming world. They are some of the worst people to inhabit society. Take away their online gaming rights and they act like you cut off their arm with no anaesthesia. (Want an example? Some idiot called Jarvis recently got caught using an aimbot in Fortnite, they nuked his account and now he's crying that he deserves a second chance)
315	But cheating gamers aren't the only ones to cause hell for decent online gaming lovers. Take pre-pubescent children, for example. They most often have a mouth like a drunken sailor and will use it when game events aren't unfolding in their favour. (English translation: They swear like sailors when they lose)
316	Couple that with a cheap Walmart quality headset with microphone and your ears get tortured with indecipherable swearing and gibberish from someone that sounds old enough to be in daycare.
317	But that's only part and parcel of why online gaming has gone down the toilet. Not surprisingly, every development studio is different when it comes to rules (at least minor shit like point scoring, etc) But generally, the rules are all the same (no cheating, no abuse, play fair, etc). Are these followed by all players? FUCK NO!
318	So, game studios probably have a room set aside, chock-full of computers that would make a shut-in foam at the mouth, and they populate it with people who get a paycheck for keeping a virtual eye on those who would not follow their rules when playing online. Sounds easy enough? It's not. Frequently these people either can't be arsed or can't keep their eye on the dipshits making online experiences miserable.
319	On the plus side, most of said dipshits eventually get removed from the servers either temporarily or permanently for raising hell. On the negative side? Two words: "ban appeals".
320	Yep. Free publicity for any stupid little twerp to air their grievances against the game moderators who had a completely valid reason to remove their access in the first place. And most of them, if they use semi-legible English, get accepted, and their access restored.
321	So, is there a foolproof way to get rid of twerps, no hopers, jokers and rogues that make online gaming a miserable crock of shit? Well, it depends. As it stands, there's no one magic cure-all method that will deal with 100% of jackasses. However, there are several solutions:
322	1. Better moderation. Hire more people to watch over your hard work and make damn sure that no one spoils it for the rest of the decent players, or implement more tools to assist them.
323	2. Ban appeals. People will sometimes be genuinely banned unfairly. Shit happens. Either have appeals reviewed by several moderators, require proof (i.e. jpeg or video) of unfair banning or relax the rules slightly so less fish get caught in the net.
324	3. Filtering. This one's not as easy as you think. There's ways around filtering. If it's text chat, word substitution's a favourite amongst the prepubescent crowd. If they're smart enough, they'll replace a banned word with a word that isn't banned but is pronounced exactly alike or similar. Voice chat? Forget filtering that. Microphones aren't of good enough quality, and then there's accents. Better to have someone with headphones on listen to the audio and react accordingly. (also, make damn sure they're familiar with accents)
325	4. IP bans. This one, again, doesn't always work, if you're a computer geek who knows how le intertubes work you'll know that IPs can either change (every time you reboot your modem) or they don't change (stay the same regardless of reboots). If a moderator is unfortunate enough to IP ban some little twerp that sounds like a drunken Popeye chucking a mental on a Walmart-quality microphone, then 5 minutes later the same little prepubescent scrotebag has returned with a vengeance, most likely they just hit the magic 'restart' button on their modem, got a new IP, which means some genuine player who gets their old (banned) IP will not be able to join in the fun of that online game.
326	5. Three strikes, you're out. Simply put: Three fuck ups, you're banned from this online game permanently. Flawed (sometimes due to overzealous moderation) but it works.
327	Also, an aside on why some ban appeals fail. Some naive players will often let their siblings take the wheel, so to speak, then go out of the room for a while. When they return? Yep, you guessed it. They've been banned, and the sibling claims they had nothing to do with it. Bullshit. The old excuse of 'i let my brother/sister/cat/dog/drunken uncle use my gaming account' is the very reason why most Terms of Service (that's what the rules are called for online games, unless otherwise stated) often have a clause in them stating 'You are responsible for all your account activity, so if you get banned because your six year old brother decides to curse out everyone else trying to have a good time, it's your fault you let him play.' (And there are other reasons, involving perceived unfairness on the part of another player or a moderator, etc)
328	Now, there are some other reasons that ban appeals can fail, maybe the moderator just hates you for some reason or another. This is not too uncommon these days, with the calibre of people that are playing online games, like Mr Fortnite (Jarvis) crying over being caught cheating. He'll probably either quit, or move onto another online game, get banned from that, rinse and repeat.
329	In conclusion - don't bother online gaming if you don't like dipshits and idiots trying to spoil your fun. Or, you can become a moderator (some online games allow you to rise through the ranks and apply) and join those who smite (with the mighty banhammer) the prepubescent crotchfruit that yell abuse through sub-Walmart quality microphones at honest gamers.
330"Gaming online, what a chore, unless you wield a banhammer, it's a bore." -El Grande Cabron
331
332#23: A Treatise on Beauty Pageants
333
334	For as long as man has had an attraction to woman, the beauty pageant has existed within society. It is one of the worst things that you can witness in your lifetime, and in this author's opinion, should be outlawed.
335	The modern beauty pageant takes 3 forms: Beauty, brains and talent. You might as well strike off the last two first off, because they don't matter to judges anymore. Only the first one does, and only if the contestant is wearing so much fake tan that they look like they worked for Willy Wonka. Fake tan, fake hair, fake tits, fake nails, fake smile, fake eyelashes... not even a hope in hell of anything being real. You can go to most any (not all - see later in this treatise) pageant in town and the result is the same. If you don't have a face like a Barbie doll and tits the size of display watermelons in a supermarket, don't bother applying for one of these pageants.
336	Brains? 90% of the women that apply to win a few thousand greenbacks in one of these so-called "pageants" have no intelligence whatsoever. Prime example? 'Miss South Carolina' is infamous on that cesspit of a video sharing website YouTube. If you thought modern society couldn't climb any lower down the IQ totem pole, you will be thinking differently after watching her try and answer a perfectly legitimate question.
337	Talent? Oh, sure, there's the talent portion of the pageant, but none of the contestants display any actual talent (none that can be shown in public, that is). Dancing? Nope. Singing? Voice like a drunk seaside donkey being given the world's worst handjob. As for acting... if you presented them with a popsicle and told them to fellate it... all those contestants would probably end up tied for 1st place.
338	(Author's aside: 'The Gong Show' had a skit called 'Have You Got a Nickel' in which two women fellated one popsicle each)
339	No treatise on the horror that is the modern beauty pageant is complete without a look into the version they offer for up-and-coming child starlets. That's right, if you thought the adult pageants were bad...
340	Child beauty pageants basically follow the same premise as their adult counterparts, but with one major difference: Anyone 18 and under can enter. It possibly can't get any worse than the adult pageant, can it?
341	It can. Imagine if you will a bunch of children all dressed up to the nines put in one room, along with a bunch of pushy stage parents who vicariously live through their children and force upon their children the opportunities those parents never had when they were the same age as their crotchspawn. It is no surprise that tears often fly at a pageant, temper tantrums, parents chucking a mental... and that's just the backstage portion before the show.
342	When someone's crotchfruit win an award, or the grand prize... the room explodes into chaos like an annual Black Friday sale. Why bother celebrating the fact that your kid's just won a few thousand greenbacks they will most likely piss away on trivial bullshit in the future? You want to celebrate a fulfilling moment in your child's life? Graduation, their 16th birthday, or when they leave home and go out into the world for the first time.
343	Controversy surrounding beauty pageants is also pretty severe, ranging from 'they have to wear fake everything to win' to 'they're putting themselves out there for men that will diminish and abuse them' and everything in between. For the first argument, there exist such things as 'au natural' pageants, where little or no makeup is encouraged, aside from foundation to reflect the stage lighting. The latter? Indeed. Mental defectives love pageants. Good wank bank material for them.
344	And dare this author say it: doubly so for child pageants. The amount of idiots that come out of the woodwork to watch one of these shitshows pretty much doubles or triples, even though that's someone's child up there wearing a dress that looks like it was dug out of a charity store donation bin and enough makeup to put a circus clown on unemployment benefits.
345	Many of these idiots (the children, not the pageant audience) end up as child stars, but for some, the pageant is their one and only chance into showbusiness, and they don't make it, for a variety of reasons. Maybe they just aren't the type. Maybe they have the looks, but no talent whatsoever. Whatever the reason, they dodged a bullet and will not have to grow up being shamed for being famous in the future. -El Grande Cabron
346
347#24: A Treatise on Sluts
348
349	Sluts. Boom-boom girls. Strumpets. Whores. Bints. Trollops. Hookers. Just a few of the many names we give to women that leap like frogs from bed to bed.
350	Slut n. A woman with loose sexual morals, i.e. indiscriminate about who they have sexual intercourse with. Now that we have the definition, let's explore the realm of the slut further.
351	The slut, as defined, has a long history - going back to Stone Age times where cavemen would often sleep with each other's wives, and vice versa. If one ends up taking coinage in return for sexual favours, they become a prostitute, but that is a whole other treatise.
352	Just how many sexual partners does a woman have to have to be considered a slut? This may vary, according to the culture and the time period, but the usual consensus is that more than one sexual partner at a time = slut.
353	How do the purveyors of this lifestyle cope, or in fact, do they? It all depends. For some, sleeping around is a positive thing, letting them feel free to experiment with sex and choose a partner that they feel physically and emotionally attracted to. For others, it is a drudgery that they cannot cope with unless they are intoxicated somehow.
354	Slut-shaming - it happens, but is it justified? This depends entirely on the effect the slut has on those around them. If it is a negative effect, i.e. they are alienating people with their actions or spreading venereal disease, then by all means, shame them. If not, then don't bother shaming them, because it will damage them psychologically, or have other adverse effects upon them.
355	A word on dress/appearance: Looks can be deceiving. Someone may be a slut even if they never wear a lot of makeup or provocative clothing. They may also, if in school, appear to have consistently high grades and be a top performer, academically speaking. But, if they still see more dicks than a Richard convention, they're a slut, regardless. -El Grande Cabron
356
357#25:  - A Treatise on Social Media -
358 - Written by El Grande Cabron -
359
360	Social media - there's somethin' that most of us are familiar with. It's one of the ways we view what's going on in the world - and also one of the ways that humans communicate with society.
361	Since the days of MySpace and other sites like Bebo and Facebook and whatever else made its mark upon the Internet, the average Westerner has been attempting to make digital connections with other people they know in real life - or just people they have seen but have not physically met.
362	However, there are some dark sides to social media - it being a tool that can work both ways i.e. it can be used for good or evil, as the case may be.
363	And it seems to be used for the latter rather than the former, more often than not. Let's examine a few of the reasons why:
364	1:1. Stupid people. Humans are incredibly inept at pretty much anything they put their mind to. The same can be said for social media. The old saying "Everyone will be famous for 15 minutes" rings true here - give an idiot a GoPro or equivalent and you will see them do something stupid and live, or win a Darwin Award doing so. And not only will they do this stupid thing, it will be shared on social media just so they can get a few thousand likes for cheating Death.
365	1:2. Influencers. These are the very definition of spoiled little shitebags who take big $$$ to parade themselves around wearing designer gear and 'promoting' the designer brands. (reality: the brand already has enough exposure, but they're happy to let some dumb college-age scrote get a few coins for doing essentially fuck all)
366	1:3. VSCO girls. Barnum and Bailey's circus is no more, but if they were still operating 'The Greatest Show on Earth' they'd have no shortage of new talent to hire, thanks to the VSCO girl. We're talking little-brother levels of annoying with a side of broken English that sounds more like animal calls than anything useful. They have an everlasting obsession with designer goodies, like the influencer, but they pile on the hair scrunchies, friendship bands (last time I saw them was in the 90s) and haul around a 'hydroflask' that might as well be full of Captain Morgan's best kill-devil (rum) because that is what you'll be needing to drink to find them tolerable for more than 30 seconds.
367	1:4. Tweenagers. Equally as inept with social media as they are with life. They post profile pictures that make them look like wannabe gangsters, or smear themselves with 30 different colours of glitter and enough makeup to get a job driving a little clown car around a circus ring. Absolutely abysmal command of the English language. Normal words get shortened down to one or two letters at most, and SoMeTiMeS tHeY tYpE LiKe ThIs for seemingly no reason at all.
368	1:5. YouTube users (called 'YouTubers'). Oh, how the mighty have fallen. Once a great website (and where the author got his first taste of parody thanks to Weird Al Yankovic), it's now a dumping ground for every up-and-coming or has-been idiot that wants to make a name for themselves. The content is pathetic. In between the one or two good videos, there's at least 100 shit ones - ranging from bullshit 'vlogs' that have been edited for hours before release to the 'information' videos with Siri's cousin (twice removed) narrating a slideshow. Plus all the idiot kids with $9.99 Walmart special webcams trying to get noticed. (Side note: YouTube had a big shitstorm recently over kids being exploited online - and it was supposedly 'resolved' after they deleted a bunch of user accounts and disabled comments on all videos kids post online). These anklebiters do nothing more than try and one-up their 'competition' or show off to their friends by attempting to post 5-minutes of them goofing off which does nothing more than waste space on a server that could be taken up by a content creator that puts out GOOD stuff. And THOSE are far and few between, what with them jumping ship owing to actually having lives and not being able to crank out videos at the same relentless pace that a boiler stoker worked at just over 100 years ago in one of the great ocean liners.
369	1:6. Millenials. Where do I even start? These turdbags have pretty much turned any fledgling social media startup into a cesspit with whatever stupidity they crank out from behind a keyboard. Be it some dumb fuck who wants the world to change to their demands or some idiot who posts memes about how 'shit' their life is when all that went wrong that day was so fucking trivial it wasn't worth whinging about.
370	1:7. Bloggers. Putting themselves on the Internet in HTML to be publically shamed and humiliated since the late 1990s. (Pictures came later). Mostly bullshit family 'blogs' full of either tales of woe or 'my life is great' stories with no meaning behind it other than giving the author bragging rights.
371	1:8. Miscellaneous. Plenty of other types of shitbags I haven't mentioned in here - but they're out there, somewhere.
372- - - - - - - - - - EOF - - - - - - - - - -
373Created by El Grande Cabron, 2011. Insert copyright bullshit here.
374
375#26: Sperglords (And why I loathe 'em)
376By El Grande Cabron
377
378	You seem to see them everywhere these days. On the train with headphones, on the bus with headphones; fat, thin, or in between; naive or worldly, it doesn't matter. They all got one thing in common: Autism.
379	Autism is, to paraphrase that classic manual of mental poverty, the DSM, a learning disorder. (Layman's English: Slow-in-the-mind, or someone who doesn't learn or comprehend the world at the same pace as the majority do.)
380	It can take many forms. Autism can turn someone into a total shut-in, cut off from society, or they can lead relatively normal lives with assistance, the latter being less prevalent than the former.
381	The shut-ins are the ones that are doomed from the start. They cannot communicate normally, requiring some form of aid to let caregivers and others know what they require, if anything. Slightly less severe is the shut-in that can speak - but you often wish they'd just shut up and never talk again because 99% of their speech is Spike Milligan-level nonsense or toilet humour, or both at once.
382	Slightly up from this are the mildly afflicted. They often annoy the living hell out of anyone around them, but they are independent enough to be able to function mainly on their own, or have a caregiver around to provide aid when required.
383	High-functioning (one step up from mild autism) guarantees the sufferer very little noticeable afflictions, if any, and they are able to lead reasonably normal lives on their own. (There are some exceptions, and the above guide isn't gospel - many sperglords can have no outwardly noticeable signs of autism, but still have it, for example.)
384	And as to what you have to put up with, regardless of how severe the autism is:
385	1. Obsessions. The sperg will pick up on something they find fascinating and collect it. Rocks, bottle tops from 20-year old bottles of Yuengling or Rolling Rock, dildoes that have seen more miles than Trans-American Airlines' most frequent flyer, you name it, the sperg will collect it.
386	2. Video games. Spergs love fantasy. They will spend hours playing whatever video game they're obsessed with at that particular moment.
387	3. Anime/manga. (Not all spergs like this, but many do) - Japanese TV cartoons/comic books (in that order, I believe. Don't ask me, I'm not a weeb.)
388	4. Romance. Unless a sperg is trained, they don't pick up the subtle art of flirting, and never will. Thus, you will be able to tell which ones of them are going to die alone, as they have about as much subtlety when trying to attract a girl as a drunken sailor in a saloon brawl. Most often they fail to realise the object of their affection has their own life, or try and objectify them or use them for their own fantasies. (This never ends well.)
389	The author has only scratched the surface of the sperglord, and many are their own individual cases - but if you want to see a classic example, just Google "Chris Chan". He is, quintessentially, the Internet mascot of autism, and the ultimate symbol of mental poverty.  -El Grande Cabron