cr6Erz4B

11
200:00:10,333 --> 00:00:19,333
3
42
500:00:23,291 --> 00:00:24,750
6[footsteps echoing]
7
83
900:00:27,041 --> 00:00:28,833
10[man] I don't know who I am.
11
124
1300:00:32,625 --> 00:00:35,083
14Not just a story of who I am,
15but who I really am.
16
175
1800:00:35,208 --> 00:00:36,041
19[inhales]
20
216
2200:00:37,375 --> 00:00:38,416
23[exhales]
24
257
2600:00:38,833 --> 00:00:41,125
27The real... me.
28
298
3000:00:45,250 --> 00:00:46,208
31[chair dragging]
32
339
3400:00:46,541 --> 00:00:48,541
35[breathes deeply]
36
3710
3800:00:49,083 --> 00:00:50,750
39I've been silent for 20 years.
40
4111
4200:00:52,958 --> 00:00:54,333
43Twenty years!
44
4512
4600:00:55,583 --> 00:00:56,541
47Of hiding.
48
4913
5000:00:57,125 --> 00:00:59,333
51I should have stood by him,
52I should have helped him.
53
5414
5500:00:59,416 --> 00:01:01,791
56We should have done everything together,
57as twins.
58
5915
6000:01:01,875 --> 00:01:03,541
61We're identical twins. Bonded.
62
6316
6400:01:04,291 --> 00:01:06,791
65And this thing was so strong
66that it broke us off.
67
6817
6900:01:07,000 --> 00:01:08,250
70It broke us apart.
71
7218
7300:01:08,541 --> 00:01:09,875
74[breathes deeply]
75
7619
7700:01:10,458 --> 00:01:13,375
78[man 2] The secrets I need answers to
79are in Marcus's head.
80
8120
8200:01:14,791 --> 00:01:16,333
83But they're deep in his head.
84
8521
8600:01:17,833 --> 00:01:19,833
87So it would almost seem
88
8922
9000:01:19,916 --> 00:01:20,958
91reckless
92
9323
9400:01:21,750 --> 00:01:25,291
95in terms of whatever we're gonna find
96when we open the box.
97
9824
9900:01:26,166 --> 00:01:28,500
100It's Pandora's box.
101You either open it or you don't.
102
10325
10400:01:30,416 --> 00:01:31,583
105But... [exhales]
106
10726
10800:01:32,416 --> 00:01:35,083
109will it help me? It's a chance.
110
11127
11200:01:36,750 --> 00:01:38,500
113It's a chance I'm prepared to take.
114
11528
11600:01:38,583 --> 00:01:40,583
117[engines revving]
118
11929
12000:01:44,833 --> 00:01:46,125
121-[glass shatters]
122-[tire squealing]
123
12430
12500:01:46,208 --> 00:01:49,541
126[loud bang, motorcycle screeches]
127
12831
12900:01:57,083 --> 00:01:59,166
130[music fades out]
131
13232
13300:02:03,000 --> 00:02:05,500
134[hospital machine high pitched ringing]
135
13633
13700:02:07,833 --> 00:02:10,000
138[heart rate whooshing]
139
14034
14100:02:12,666 --> 00:02:13,791
142[man 2] I-- I woke up.
143
14435
14500:02:16,166 --> 00:02:18,041
146I remember opening my eyes
147
14836
14900:02:18,375 --> 00:02:20,041
150and looking around the room,
151
15237
15300:02:21,041 --> 00:02:23,916
154trying to take in where I am.
155
15638
15700:02:24,000 --> 00:02:26,000
158[slurping]
159
16039
16100:02:32,791 --> 00:02:36,666
162I then turned my attention
163to my twin brother,
164
16540
16600:02:37,625 --> 00:02:39,333
167who I instantly recognized.
168
16941
17000:02:39,500 --> 00:02:41,750
171[Marcus's muffled voice] Alex, it's me!
172
17342
17400:02:41,875 --> 00:02:44,250
175[Alex] He was sitting on the bed
176next to me...
177
17843
17900:02:44,375 --> 00:02:45,583
180[Marcus] It's okay.
181
18244
18300:02:45,666 --> 00:02:47,500
184[Alex] ...and I just said,
185
18645
18700:02:47,583 --> 00:02:48,708
188"Hello, Marcus."
189
19046
19100:02:50,125 --> 00:02:54,458
192I guess the major thing about being a twin
193is that you're never alone.
194
19547
19600:02:55,791 --> 00:02:58,083
197And it's a massive thing to have.
198
19948
20000:02:59,333 --> 00:03:01,333
201So whatever happens to you in your life,
202
20349
20400:03:01,833 --> 00:03:04,375
205you've always got your other half there.
206
20750
20800:03:06,666 --> 00:03:07,750
209[Alex] Even though
210
21151
21200:03:07,833 --> 00:03:10,541
213I wasn't sure
214of what was going on around me,
215
21652
21700:03:11,000 --> 00:03:14,583
218I knew 100% that he was my brother
219and I could trust him.
220
22153
22200:03:18,375 --> 00:03:21,458
223I then turned my attention to a lady
224
22554
22600:03:22,541 --> 00:03:24,625
227much closer to the bed
228than everybody else...
229
23055
23100:03:26,958 --> 00:03:29,875
232and she was getting quite hysterical
233
23456
23500:03:30,583 --> 00:03:32,708
236at the fact that I had woken up.
237
23857
23900:03:32,791 --> 00:03:35,541
240"Hello, hello, Ali, you're awake.
241You're awake. How are you?
242
24358
24400:03:35,625 --> 00:03:36,833
245It's me, it's me."
246
24759
24800:03:37,875 --> 00:03:40,416
249And I'm thinking,
250"I don't know how I am.
251
25260
25300:03:40,666 --> 00:03:42,250
254And I don't know who you are."
255
25661
25700:03:42,333 --> 00:03:44,291
258"You remember me. You remember me.
259Don't you remember me?
260
26162
26200:03:44,375 --> 00:03:46,041
263You must remember me,
264you must remember me!"
265
26663
26700:03:46,125 --> 00:03:48,583
268-And kept repeating and repeating this.
269-[high pitched ringing]
270
27164
27200:03:49,500 --> 00:03:51,708
273I said to Marcus, "Who is she?"
274
27565
27600:03:53,333 --> 00:03:54,333
277And he just said...
278
27966
28000:03:55,416 --> 00:03:56,458
281"She is our mother."
282
28367
28400:04:00,541 --> 00:04:01,500
285And Marcus said to me,
286
28768
28800:04:01,583 --> 00:04:04,125
289"Do you really not know
290that that is our mother?"
291
29269
29300:04:05,500 --> 00:04:06,583
294And I said, "No."
295
29670
29700:04:08,541 --> 00:04:11,541
298And then he said to me,
299"Well, do you know who you are?
300
30171
30200:04:13,416 --> 00:04:14,541
303And what's your name?"
304
30572
30600:04:18,041 --> 00:04:21,083
307And it started to dawn on me
308that I really didn't know anything.
309
31073
31100:04:22,458 --> 00:04:24,000
312-[blades whirring]
313-I didn't know where I was.
314
31574
31600:04:25,083 --> 00:04:26,000
317Where do I live.
318
31975
32000:04:27,208 --> 00:04:28,916
321I didn't know what happened to me.
322
32376
32400:04:30,125 --> 00:04:31,708
325I didn't even know my own name.
326
32777
32800:04:32,000 --> 00:04:33,875
329[heart rate beep speeding up]
330
33178
33200:04:34,041 --> 00:04:35,500
333Everything had gone.
334
33579
33600:04:35,916 --> 00:04:37,416
337[high pitched ringing]
338
33980
34000:04:38,541 --> 00:04:40,166
341[ringing fades out]
342
34381
34400:04:42,333 --> 00:04:44,333
345[eerie music playing]
346
34782
34800:04:46,291 --> 00:04:49,000
349[Marcus] Imagine a black empty space.
350
35183
35200:04:51,208 --> 00:04:53,708
353You've lost everything in your life...
354
35584
35600:04:55,125 --> 00:04:57,458
357and you start from a blank canvas.
358
35985
36000:04:59,958 --> 00:05:01,625
361Imagine how scary that would be.
362
36386
36400:05:06,916 --> 00:05:11,666
365The doctor explained that he had
366been wearing a helmet that had come off
367
36887
36900:05:12,041 --> 00:05:14,125
370and, therefore, when he hit the ground,
371
37288
37300:05:14,583 --> 00:05:16,875
374he hit the ground with his head
375and not with his helmet.
376
37789
37800:05:18,416 --> 00:05:20,791
379And that had induced him
380to go into a coma.
381
38290
38300:05:21,833 --> 00:05:23,541
384And they weren't sure
385
38691
38700:05:24,000 --> 00:05:26,666
388what kind of brain damage
389that would leave him with.
390
39192
39200:05:27,458 --> 00:05:29,458
393[car engine running]
394
39593
39600:05:33,583 --> 00:05:36,125
397[Alex] My mother came to pick me up.
398
39994
40000:05:37,708 --> 00:05:41,125
401She said, probably three or four times
402before we even got in the car,
403
40495
40500:05:41,208 --> 00:05:46,208
406"You do remember who I am, don't you?"
407And I'm like, "No, I don't."
408
40996
41000:05:46,958 --> 00:05:48,958
411[soft piano music playing]
412
41397
41400:05:50,250 --> 00:05:52,875
415I said, "Where are we going?"
416She said, "We're going home.
417
41898
41900:05:52,958 --> 00:05:54,916
420I'm taking you home, back to our home."
421
42299
42300:05:58,458 --> 00:06:01,541
424So I'm sitting in a car
425with a total stranger,
426
427100
42800:06:01,666 --> 00:06:04,208
429driving somewhere.
430I've no idea where I'm going.
431
432101
43300:06:04,291 --> 00:06:05,291
434[inhales]
435
436102
43700:06:05,375 --> 00:06:09,000
438I'm being told, "This is your house.
439This is where you live."
440
441103
44200:06:10,500 --> 00:06:12,500
443[tires moving over gravel]
444
445104
44600:06:16,916 --> 00:06:20,666
447It's got a gravel drive.
448It's quite a large gravel drive.
449
450105
45100:06:22,333 --> 00:06:23,875
452It's quite a big house,
453
454106
45500:06:24,541 --> 00:06:27,166
456which looked quite daunting to me.
457
458107
45900:06:30,833 --> 00:06:33,833
460[Marcus] He was in a haze.
461He didn't know where he was.
462
463108
46400:06:33,958 --> 00:06:35,708
465He didn't know anything.
466
467109
46800:06:37,666 --> 00:06:40,541
469Even though he was 18,
470
471110
47200:06:41,333 --> 00:06:44,250
473he had the mental age
474of a... [inhales] nine-year-old.
475
476111
47700:06:45,791 --> 00:06:49,791
478I remember walking through the kitchen
479and explaining, "This is the kitchen,"
480
481112
48200:06:49,875 --> 00:06:52,666
483and then the bathroom
484and then taking him into the...
485
486113
48700:06:53,250 --> 00:06:54,333
488into his bedroom.
489
490114
49100:06:56,125 --> 00:06:58,625
492"This is your bed on the left,
493and my bed's on the right."
494
495115
49600:07:04,791 --> 00:07:06,125
497[Alex] I'm just being told
498
499116
50000:07:06,875 --> 00:07:08,208
501that "This is your house.
502
503117
50400:07:09,208 --> 00:07:10,208
505This is your mother."
506
507118
50800:07:11,791 --> 00:07:12,958
509I don't know that.
510
511119
51200:07:21,000 --> 00:07:22,291
513My head was just blank.
514
515120
51600:07:28,125 --> 00:07:29,625
517I mean, for everybody else,
518
519121
52000:07:29,708 --> 00:07:32,291
521they're going to remember
522being on holidays,
523
524122
52500:07:32,416 --> 00:07:35,000
526they're going to remember
527falling off their bike for the first time,
528
529123
53000:07:35,083 --> 00:07:37,166
531their first kiss,
532the first time they were in love.
533
534124
53500:07:38,750 --> 00:07:41,583
536Those are the things
537that really make up who you are.
538
539125
54000:07:42,666 --> 00:07:44,833
541And you actually need those memories.
542
543126
54400:07:47,375 --> 00:07:50,458
545I'm coming at this with nothing.
546
547127
54800:07:51,583 --> 00:07:54,250
549-[loud bang]
550-[silverware rattling]
551
552128
55300:07:58,000 --> 00:07:59,291
554[dog moans]
555
556129
55700:08:01,125 --> 00:08:02,458
558[Alex] It was quite apparent...
559
560130
56100:08:02,541 --> 00:08:03,375
562[chewing]
563
564131
56500:08:03,458 --> 00:08:07,333
566...that my parents didn't know
567how to deal with me.
568
569132
57000:08:08,000 --> 00:08:08,916
571[exhales]
572
573133
57400:08:11,958 --> 00:08:14,250
575My father, I didn't-- He was so distant.
576
577134
57800:08:15,416 --> 00:08:17,041
579He didn't hug me or anything like that.
580
581135
58200:08:17,125 --> 00:08:20,416
583He just shook my hand
584and said he was my father.
585
586136
58700:08:22,583 --> 00:08:23,750
588He never came to the hospital.
589
590137
59100:08:25,208 --> 00:08:26,041
592No.
593
594138
59500:08:26,916 --> 00:08:28,208
596He never-- He never came.
597
598139
59900:08:34,333 --> 00:08:37,541
600My mother didn't want to believe
601
602140
60300:08:37,958 --> 00:08:39,208
604I had lost my memory.
605
606141
60700:08:40,125 --> 00:08:43,458
608It was... just, for her, unthinkable.
609
610142
61100:08:44,666 --> 00:08:48,291
612For a son not to know
613who their mother was.
614
615143
61600:08:50,541 --> 00:08:51,958
617And she didn't want to believe it.
618
619144
62000:08:53,583 --> 00:08:54,625
621[Marcus] Can you imagine,
622
623145
62400:08:55,333 --> 00:08:59,208
625your son wakes up
626and he's no idea who you are.
627
628146
62900:08:59,375 --> 00:09:00,375
630[deep breath]
631
632147
63300:09:00,833 --> 00:09:03,833
634Any mother would be deeply distressed.
635
636148
63700:09:05,500 --> 00:09:07,708
638It really hurt her a lot.
639
640149
64100:09:10,875 --> 00:09:15,916
642[Alex] So I'm totally on my own,
643in that house with no support
644
645150
64600:09:16,000 --> 00:09:17,333
647apart from my brother.
648
649151
65000:09:18,875 --> 00:09:21,541
651He gets it. He understands.
652
653152
65400:09:21,625 --> 00:09:23,458
655I don't have to explain anything to him.
656
657153
65800:09:23,875 --> 00:09:27,458
659He doesn't make it difficult for me.
660He gives me everything I need.
661
662154
66300:09:28,041 --> 00:09:31,208
664If he hadn't known who I was,
665and he hadn't known his twin,
666
667155
66800:09:31,666 --> 00:09:35,250
669then he would have been all alone
670in the world for the rest of his life.
671
672156
67300:09:36,458 --> 00:09:38,375
674But he wasn't alone in the world.
675He had me.
676
677157
67800:09:38,625 --> 00:09:40,875
679-[lively piano music playing]
680-[door hinge squeaks]
681
682158
68300:09:42,333 --> 00:09:43,791
684[Alex] There was so much to learn.
685
686159
68700:09:43,875 --> 00:09:47,625
688So very quickly he gave me
689the basic information,
690
691160
69200:09:47,708 --> 00:09:52,666
693the everyday, "This is kitchen.
694This is TV. This is a table."
695
696161
69700:09:53,583 --> 00:09:56,041
698[Marcus] I had to show him
699where all his clothes are,
700
701162
70200:09:56,125 --> 00:10:00,250
703how to put his shoes on,
704tie his shoelaces up, make toast.
705
706163
70700:10:00,708 --> 00:10:02,500
708He just kept giving me stuff.
709
710164
71100:10:03,833 --> 00:10:05,875
712And I just went along with everything.
713
714165
71500:10:05,958 --> 00:10:07,375
716[water running from faucet]
717
718166
71900:10:08,125 --> 00:10:09,791
720When he said he didn't know something,
721
722167
72300:10:10,333 --> 00:10:11,875
724I just told him what it was.
725
726168
72700:10:13,125 --> 00:10:15,541
728Then starting to get
729into more difficult things
730
731169
73200:10:15,625 --> 00:10:17,375
733like, "Wow, what is that thing?"
734
735170
73600:10:19,875 --> 00:10:22,083
737The first few minutes was a bit strange,
738
739171
74000:10:22,958 --> 00:10:25,041
741and then I realized
742I could actually do that.
743
744172
74500:10:25,875 --> 00:10:27,166
746That I could ride a bike.
747
748173
74900:10:27,583 --> 00:10:30,875
750That was something that he was actually
751quite good at, I seem to remember.
752
753174
75400:10:31,541 --> 00:10:33,708
755But he didn't know
756where he was going, of course.
757
758175
75900:10:33,791 --> 00:10:36,583
760So we would go out of the house
761and then everything was a blank.
762
763176
76400:10:36,666 --> 00:10:38,083
765-[grunts]
766-[clatter and bang]
767
768177
76900:10:38,166 --> 00:10:40,416
770[laughs]
771
772178
77300:10:51,000 --> 00:10:52,416
774[Alex] The world seemed very scary.
775
776179
77700:10:55,083 --> 00:10:56,458
778But with him...
779
780180
78100:10:57,000 --> 00:10:59,750
782everything was a little bit easier.
783
784181
78500:10:59,833 --> 00:11:01,583
786[music from TV]
787
788182
78900:11:01,666 --> 00:11:04,041
790[cartoon from TV] Ladies and gentlemen!
791
792183
79300:11:04,166 --> 00:11:06,250
794[Alex] TV was an eye-opener for me.
795
796184
79700:11:07,583 --> 00:11:10,208
798All the shows were new,
799even down to Tom and Jerry.
800
801185
80200:11:10,291 --> 00:11:13,500
803[Tom and Jerry theme playing on TV]
804
805186
80600:11:14,291 --> 00:11:17,250
807In one way, I'm trying to learn
808as much information as possible.
809
810187
81100:11:17,666 --> 00:11:22,041
812And in the second way,
813I'm trying to work my family out
814
815188
81600:11:22,375 --> 00:11:24,291
817and the dynamics that are going on.
818
819189
82000:11:26,125 --> 00:11:30,291
821And there'd be like a perfect Sunday lunch
822with everybody sitting around the table
823
824190
82500:11:30,458 --> 00:11:33,000
826for Oxo Cube, and it looked nice.
827
828191
82900:11:33,625 --> 00:11:35,375
830And I just imagined
831
832192
83300:11:35,458 --> 00:11:38,416
834that must just be how all families are
835'cause I saw it on the telly.
836
837193
83800:11:38,958 --> 00:11:40,458
839[laughs]
840
841194
84200:11:41,916 --> 00:11:43,916
843[uplifting instrumental music playing]
844
845195
84600:11:45,875 --> 00:11:49,208
847I soon realized that Mommy
848was at the center of my new world.
849
850196
85100:11:51,125 --> 00:11:53,166
852She was quite a tall woman.
853
854197
85500:11:53,250 --> 00:11:54,500
856She was over six foot,
857
858198
85900:11:54,583 --> 00:11:57,541
860and she had quite large hands
861and very large feet.
862
863199
86400:11:58,125 --> 00:11:59,375
865Overly large feet.
866
867200
86800:12:00,791 --> 00:12:02,041
869She was great fun.
870
871201
87200:12:03,000 --> 00:12:04,750
873She'd just sort of dance
874around the kitchen.
875
876202
87700:12:04,833 --> 00:12:07,083
878She would come in a room and say,
879"And here we all are.
880
881203
88200:12:07,166 --> 00:12:09,500
883I'm here, everybody, I'm here."
884
885204
88600:12:10,125 --> 00:12:12,375
887She'd be, [impersonates Mom]
888"Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha."
889
890205
89100:12:12,458 --> 00:12:13,625
892She'd be laughing like that.
893
894206
89500:12:14,541 --> 00:12:16,583
896Louder than loud, really.
897
898207
89900:12:16,916 --> 00:12:18,041
900[dog moans]
901
902208
90300:12:18,750 --> 00:12:21,041
904[Alex] Mom inherited
905a bunch of Chihuahuas.
906
907209
90800:12:22,291 --> 00:12:23,916
909And she used to dress them up.
910
911210
91200:12:24,583 --> 00:12:27,000
913They'd have their own clothes,
914little hats,
915
916211
91700:12:27,291 --> 00:12:30,208
918little coats,
919and, um... that was her world.
920
921212
92200:12:31,166 --> 00:12:33,625
923Before the accident,
924we both hated these dogs.
925
926213
92700:12:34,000 --> 00:12:35,916
928-We used to call them rats on legs.
929-[dog moaning]
930
931214
93200:12:36,166 --> 00:12:39,333
933But Alex, when he came home,
934he rather liked the Chihuahuas.
935
936215
93700:12:39,416 --> 00:12:40,458
938I quite liked them,
939
940216
94100:12:40,541 --> 00:12:43,041
942'cause I thought they were quite sweet,
943I'd never seen one before,
944
945217
94600:12:43,250 --> 00:12:45,875
947whereas nobody else
948had any interest in the dogs at all.
949
950218
95100:12:45,958 --> 00:12:46,958
952[laughs]
953
954219
95500:12:47,041 --> 00:12:49,250
956I still can't stand them.
957Horrible little things.
958
959220
96000:12:49,333 --> 00:12:50,791
961[laughs]
962
963221
96400:12:50,875 --> 00:12:52,458
965[music fades out]
966
967222
96800:12:55,458 --> 00:13:00,500
969So I've grown up incredibly quickly
970in the space of a month,
971
972223
97300:13:01,250 --> 00:13:04,916
974from probably a six-year-old
975to sort of a... to a early teenager,
976
977224
97800:13:05,000 --> 00:13:07,958
979sort of 14, 15 already, in such speed
980
981225
98200:13:08,541 --> 00:13:11,000
983that now I need to move to another level.
984
985226
98600:13:12,125 --> 00:13:17,291
987And that's when I start asking Marcus
988more personal questions.
989
990227
99100:13:18,208 --> 00:13:20,041
992Who, who am I really?
993
994228
99500:13:20,500 --> 00:13:21,333
996[clicks]
997
998229
99900:13:23,875 --> 00:13:26,916
1000So I started to ask Marcus
1001about our childhood.
1002
1003230
100400:13:27,833 --> 00:13:31,291
1005He would say, you know,
1006"What family holidays did we go on?"
1007
1008231
100900:13:31,375 --> 00:13:32,333
1010[clicks]
1011
1012232
101300:13:32,416 --> 00:13:34,541
1014And I'd say, "Oh, you know,
1015we would go to France
1016
1017233
101800:13:34,625 --> 00:13:36,083
1019-on a beach holiday."
1020-[clicks]
1021
1022234
102300:13:36,291 --> 00:13:38,666
1024"Oh, right, was that nice?"
1025"Oh, yeah, it was great, you know.
1026
1027235
102800:13:38,750 --> 00:13:40,750
1029We used to go to the beach,
1030we'd have an ice cream.
1031
1032236
103300:13:40,916 --> 00:13:43,416
1034You always liked to have a chocolate flake
1035in your ice cream."
1036
1037237
103800:13:44,166 --> 00:13:45,541
1039"Oh, right, that's nice."
1040
1041238
104200:13:45,625 --> 00:13:46,458
1043[clicks]
1044
1045239
104600:13:46,541 --> 00:13:48,541
1047[soft piano music playing]
1048
1049240
105000:13:49,500 --> 00:13:53,083
1051[Alex] Marcus showed me a photograph
1052of the two of us on holiday,
1053
1054241
105500:13:53,416 --> 00:13:55,541
1056and it looked nice. And we were, you know,
1057
1058242
105900:13:56,083 --> 00:13:59,125
1060typical boys building
1061sand castles on a beach.
1062
1063243
106400:13:59,708 --> 00:14:03,083
1065So I just presumed
1066that's what we did every year.
1067
1068244
106900:14:05,083 --> 00:14:06,583
1070He showed me photographs.
1071
1072245
107300:14:08,791 --> 00:14:10,541
1074And I joined the dots.
1075
1076246
107700:14:13,000 --> 00:14:14,125
1078[waves crashing on the beach]
1079
1080247
108100:14:17,916 --> 00:14:19,333
1082[Alex] He would give me a photo...
1083
1084248
108500:14:20,708 --> 00:14:23,375
1086and I would construct a memory around that
1087
1088249
108900:14:24,208 --> 00:14:26,916
1090of two happy boys on a beach.
1091
1092250
109300:14:29,458 --> 00:14:31,041
1094[Marcus] What I was doing was actually
1095
1096251
109700:14:32,333 --> 00:14:35,500
1098reimplanting his memory
1099and giving him... [inhales]
1100
1101252
110200:14:35,583 --> 00:14:36,666
1103his childhood back
1104
1105253
110600:14:36,791 --> 00:14:41,416
1107and answering questions from
1108the very beginning of when he was a baby
1109
1110254
111100:14:41,500 --> 00:14:42,791
1112up to 18.
1113
1114255
111500:14:43,875 --> 00:14:47,166
1116[Alex] When you've got no memory,
1117and you get little bits of information,
1118
1119256
112000:14:47,791 --> 00:14:50,750
1121then just some information
1122about a single holiday
1123
1124257
112500:14:50,875 --> 00:14:54,375
1126meant an enormous amount to me
1127'cause that's all I had.
1128
1129258
113000:14:55,833 --> 00:14:58,208
1131So these tiny little fragments
1132
1133259
113400:14:58,291 --> 00:15:00,500
1135became the building blocks
1136for my new sense of self.
1137
1138260
113900:15:02,125 --> 00:15:05,166
1140-And life seemed good.
1141-[kids talking and shouting]
1142
1143261
114400:15:05,333 --> 00:15:08,958
1145The life that Marcus showed me
1146that I had and painted for me
1147
1148262
114900:15:09,041 --> 00:15:13,500
1150was that we were a fairly
1151privileged family in the home counties
1152
1153263
115400:15:14,291 --> 00:15:16,041
1155with perfectly normal parents.
1156
1157264
115800:15:17,000 --> 00:15:20,000
1159You know, dinner parties around the house
1160and everything looked good.
1161
1162265
116300:15:23,416 --> 00:15:25,083
1164He painted an idyllic picture.
1165
1166266
116700:15:26,958 --> 00:15:28,958
1168[kids shrieking]
1169
1170267
117100:15:31,458 --> 00:15:33,458
1172[music fades out]
1173
1174268
117500:15:34,833 --> 00:15:36,833
1176[clock ticking]
1177
1178269
117900:15:39,166 --> 00:15:42,916
1180[Marcus] Learning the rules of the house
1181was more complicated.
1182
1183270
118400:15:45,083 --> 00:15:47,416
1185We weren't allowed to go upstairs.
1186
1187271
118800:15:47,750 --> 00:15:49,333
1189We didn't eat with our parents.
1190
1191272
119200:15:49,416 --> 00:15:51,583
1193We weren't allowed a front door key.
1194
1195273
119600:15:51,666 --> 00:15:53,458
1197And, from the age of...
1198
1199274
120000:15:54,708 --> 00:15:57,500
1201[huffs] I think... 14,
1202
1203275
120400:15:58,333 --> 00:16:01,000
1205we lived out in the shed in the garden.
1206
1207276
120800:16:01,125 --> 00:16:02,000
1209[inhales]
1210
1211277
121200:16:02,416 --> 00:16:04,875
1213In a funny sort of way
1214we quite liked living in the shed
1215
1216278
121700:16:05,125 --> 00:16:07,166
1218because it was our domain.
1219
1220279
122100:16:08,375 --> 00:16:10,333
1222Yeah, it was-- it was, um...
1223
1224280
122500:16:11,416 --> 00:16:13,541
1226it was a confusing house for me.
1227
1228281
122900:16:14,000 --> 00:16:15,833
1230[clock striking the hour]
1231
1232282
123300:16:22,333 --> 00:16:24,333
1234There was just ornaments everywhere.
1235
1236283
123700:16:25,083 --> 00:16:27,625
1238Every cupboard was full,
1239every outhouse was full,
1240
1241284
124200:16:27,708 --> 00:16:30,041
1243every loft was full,
1244every garage was full.
1245
1246285
124700:16:31,166 --> 00:16:33,875
1248And there were sections of the house
1249that you weren't allowed to be in,
1250
1251286
125200:16:34,041 --> 00:16:36,208
1253and you didn't enter without permission.
1254
1255287
125600:16:37,250 --> 00:16:38,583
1257Especially my father's side.
1258
1259288
126000:16:38,666 --> 00:16:40,250
1261[ominous instrumental music playing]
1262
1263289
126400:16:40,333 --> 00:16:42,916
1265You wouldn't enter his study
1266unless you were summoned.
1267
1268290
126900:16:43,000 --> 00:16:45,000
1270[clock ticking]
1271
1272291
127300:16:45,833 --> 00:16:49,375
1274He was quite a scary guy,
1275and he had a hell of a temper on him.
1276
1277292
127800:16:49,916 --> 00:16:54,000
1279He would shout very loudly, and bang!
1280He would just thump the table
1281
1282293
128300:16:54,083 --> 00:16:56,916
1284on the dining room... I remember
1285particularly on the dining room table.
1286
1287294
128800:16:57,000 --> 00:17:00,416
1289There was a really long,
1290huge dining room table, you know,
1291
1292295
129300:17:00,500 --> 00:17:03,000
1294in the center of the house,
1295and he would whack that.
1296
1297296
129800:17:06,250 --> 00:17:08,000
1299And then he would just dismiss you.
1300
1301297
130200:17:11,041 --> 00:17:12,750
1303Marcus just instructed me,
1304
1305298
130600:17:13,000 --> 00:17:15,666
1307"Don't get involved.
1308Just let him do his thing.
1309
1310299
131100:17:16,541 --> 00:17:20,166
1312And be polite.
1313Always be polite and call him sir."
1314
1315300
131600:17:22,250 --> 00:17:25,250
1317[Marcus] I do remember him kept asking me
1318why did we have to do that.
1319
1320301
132100:17:25,916 --> 00:17:27,333
1322And I just said, "Because that's...
1323
1324302
132500:17:27,416 --> 00:17:29,666
1326[inhales]
1327That's what you do in a family."
1328
1329303
133000:17:31,000 --> 00:17:33,000
1331[lively music playing]
1332
1333304
133400:17:33,416 --> 00:17:36,000
1335[Alex] My brother, at some point,
1336informed me that our parents
1337
1338305
133900:17:36,083 --> 00:17:38,625
1340came from an aristocratic background.
1341
1342306
134300:17:38,708 --> 00:17:40,166
1344-[indistinct chatter]
1345-[loud chewing]
1346
1347307
134800:17:40,250 --> 00:17:42,250
1349-[cork popping]
1350-[cheering]
1351
1352308
135300:17:43,666 --> 00:17:47,041
1354It was perfectly normal
1355for our house to be filled with
1356
1357309
135800:17:47,125 --> 00:17:49,708
1359-sirs, duchesses, lords, ladies.
1360-[woman cheers and laughs]
1361
1362310
136300:17:50,791 --> 00:17:53,791
1364And that's how we lived.
1365
1366311
136700:17:53,875 --> 00:17:55,875
1368[crowd cheering and laughing]
1369
1370312
137100:17:56,041 --> 00:17:58,041
1372I never thought, "This is odd,"
1373
1374313
137500:17:58,875 --> 00:18:00,916
1376'cause everything was normal for me.
1377
1378314
137900:18:01,000 --> 00:18:04,416
1380[party crowd singing]
1381 ♪ La, la, la, la, la, la ♪
1382
1383315
138400:18:04,958 --> 00:18:08,750
1385It was perfectly normal
1386to have parents like we did.
1387
1388316
138900:18:09,083 --> 00:18:12,083
1390It was perfectly normal to live in a shed.
1391
1392317
139300:18:12,458 --> 00:18:15,000
1394So I was never questioning anything.
1395
1396318
139700:18:15,083 --> 00:18:17,291
1398Because what is normal, really?
1399
1400319
140100:18:18,208 --> 00:18:21,708
1402Normal is what you know.
1403And normal is what your family is.
1404
1405320
140600:18:21,791 --> 00:18:24,000
1407[people singing and whooping]
1408
1409321
141000:18:28,458 --> 00:18:30,458
1411[tires moving over gravel]
1412
1413322
141400:18:47,916 --> 00:18:49,041
1415[Alex] I had my story.
1416
1417323
141800:18:50,708 --> 00:18:52,541
1419I grabbed that from my brother.
1420
1421324
142200:18:54,791 --> 00:18:56,208
1423And I took it as my own,
1424
1425325
142600:18:56,500 --> 00:18:58,500
1427and I took that out
1428into the world with me.
1429
1430326
143100:18:58,583 --> 00:19:00,375
1432-[indistinct chatter]
1433-["Relax" by Duran Duran playing]
1434
1435327
143600:19:01,625 --> 00:19:03,166
1437-[woman yells] Party! Yeah!
1438-[cheering]
1439
1440328
144100:19:03,375 --> 00:19:06,833
1442[Alex] After a few months, Marcus decided
1443it was time to meet all my friends.
1444
1445329
144600:19:07,000 --> 00:19:08,291
1447[indistinct greetings]
1448
1449330
145000:19:08,375 --> 00:19:10,208
1451So we go to the pub.
1452
1453331
145400:19:11,958 --> 00:19:14,958
1455That was another huge step.
1456
1457332
145800:19:15,375 --> 00:19:17,458
1459♪ Relax, don't do it ♪
1460
1461333
146200:19:17,666 --> 00:19:20,125
1463♪ When you wanna go to it
1464Relax... ♪
1465
1466334
146700:19:20,333 --> 00:19:21,625
1468When you're a teenager,
1469
1470335
147100:19:22,208 --> 00:19:24,083
1472you don't want to be different
1473to everybody else.
1474
1475336
147600:19:24,458 --> 00:19:26,750
1477You don't want to stick out,
1478you just want to be the same.
1479
1480337
148100:19:27,416 --> 00:19:30,875
1482But everybody knows you
1483and you don't know them. [inhales]
1484
1485338
148600:19:31,166 --> 00:19:34,916
1487And that is quite...
1488quite daunting really.
1489
1490339
149100:19:35,000 --> 00:19:36,125
1492[crowd laughing]
1493
1494340
149500:19:37,875 --> 00:19:38,875
1496I got overwhelmed.
1497
1498341
149900:19:45,333 --> 00:19:47,333
1500[music fades out]
1501
1502342
150300:19:50,333 --> 00:19:52,833
1504People say, "Oh, yeah, it can't be
1505that bad to lose your memory."
1506
1507343
150800:19:54,083 --> 00:19:54,958
1509But it is.
1510
1511344
151200:19:55,875 --> 00:19:57,958
1513I have nothing to latch onto.
1514
1515345
151600:19:58,666 --> 00:20:03,708
1517I've got no... no anchors
1518to give me any peace of mind
1519
1520346
152100:20:04,875 --> 00:20:06,583
1522apart from Marcus.
1523
1524347
152500:20:07,500 --> 00:20:12,666
1526So, me and Marcus together
1527built up a system
1528
1529348
153000:20:12,791 --> 00:20:15,000
1531where I could meet people
1532
1533349
153400:20:15,083 --> 00:20:17,875
1535without them ever realizing
1536that I didn't have a clue who they were.
1537
1538350
153900:20:18,125 --> 00:20:20,125
1540[fun instrumental music playing]
1541
1542351
154300:20:20,625 --> 00:20:22,625
1544[Marcus] We would go
1545to a friend's house for dinner.
1546
1547352
154800:20:23,375 --> 00:20:27,000
1549We would stand outside the door
1550and he'd say, "Right, okay, remind me."
1551
1552353
155300:20:27,083 --> 00:20:29,416
1554[stuttering] Give me the names again.
1555What do they look like?
1556
1557354
155800:20:29,500 --> 00:20:33,416
1559Just give me the quick little outline,
1560so a tiny little synopsis of each person.
1561
1562355
156300:20:33,500 --> 00:20:37,041
1564This is Dave, this is John, this is Chris.
1565And then they'd open the door,
1566
1567356
156800:20:37,125 --> 00:20:39,291
1569"Oh, hi. Really nice to see you."
1570
1571357
157200:20:39,375 --> 00:20:40,916
1573And people never knew.
1574
1575358
157600:20:41,500 --> 00:20:44,500
1577[Marcus] And everybody would think,
1578"Ah, Alex is fine, look.
1579
1580359
158100:20:44,958 --> 00:20:47,250
1582He knows everybody here.
1583He knows what's going on."
1584
1585360
158600:20:47,333 --> 00:20:48,583
1587But none of that was true.
1588
1589361
159000:20:49,250 --> 00:20:51,666
1591I'd just given him
1592a ten-minute lesson outside.
1593
1594362
159500:20:52,041 --> 00:20:54,291
1596But then he said,
1597"Oh, yes, and you have a girlfriend."
1598
1599363
160000:20:54,708 --> 00:20:56,583
1601I thought,
1602"Oh, I've got a girlfriend, have I?"
1603
1604364
160500:20:57,333 --> 00:21:01,208
1606She, um... she was very nice.
1607And she didn't really notice
1608
1609365
161000:21:01,458 --> 00:21:05,791
1611that I had no idea
1612[laughing] who she was.
1613
1614366
161500:21:07,333 --> 00:21:08,750
1616Our sort of standing joke
1617
1618367
161900:21:08,833 --> 00:21:11,916
1620is that I lost my virginity
1621to the same woman twice.
1622
1623368
162400:21:12,000 --> 00:21:14,000
1625[laughs]
1626
1627369
162800:21:16,291 --> 00:21:19,125
1629[Marcus] He became absolutely
1630fascinated by photographs,
1631
1632370
163300:21:20,166 --> 00:21:25,208
1634because he became totally paranoid
1635that he would lose his new memory.
1636
1637371
163800:21:26,458 --> 00:21:29,041
1639I just took pictures of people having fun.
1640
1641372
164200:21:29,291 --> 00:21:31,250
1643I took pictures of the parties we went to,
1644
1645373
164600:21:31,333 --> 00:21:33,291
1647the people we met, the places we went.
1648
1649374
165000:21:33,375 --> 00:21:36,416
1651I wanted to capture every single moment
1652
1653375
165400:21:37,166 --> 00:21:41,291
1655of every month, of every year
1656for the rest of my life.
1657
1658376
165900:21:41,375 --> 00:21:42,208
1660[music fades out]
1661
1662377
166300:21:46,958 --> 00:21:49,916
1664[Alex] All of us, we take photos
1665of happy times
1666
1667378
166800:21:50,708 --> 00:21:53,125
1669excluding everything else.
1670
1671379
167200:21:55,375 --> 00:21:56,500
1673We all do that.
1674
1675380
167600:21:57,458 --> 00:22:02,291
1677We take photos of weddings.
1678You never take photos at funerals.
1679
1680381
168100:22:02,375 --> 00:22:03,291
1682[inhales]
1683
1684382
168500:22:14,625 --> 00:22:16,166
1686[clock ticking]
1687
1688383
168900:22:16,250 --> 00:22:17,708
1690[Marcus] Dad was dying,
1691
1692384
169300:22:18,666 --> 00:22:20,750
1694and he had cancer.
1695
1696385
169700:22:21,416 --> 00:22:22,250
1698Um...
1699
1700386
170100:22:22,541 --> 00:22:23,375
1702pancreas.
1703
1704387
170500:22:24,750 --> 00:22:27,208
1706And I remember he called us
1707into his study,
1708
1709388
171000:22:27,708 --> 00:22:31,000
1711and he started to apologize for his
1712behavior and the things that he'd done.
1713
1714389
171500:22:33,208 --> 00:22:36,166
1716[Alex] He said would we forgive him
1717before he died?
1718
1719390
172000:22:37,250 --> 00:22:38,583
1721So I said, "Yes."
1722
1723391
172400:22:39,208 --> 00:22:40,708
1725Alex would have said anything.
1726
1727392
172800:22:41,166 --> 00:22:45,125
1729I mean he was just such a nice boy,
1730and he had such a nice way about him.
1731
1732393
173300:22:46,541 --> 00:22:49,208
1734[Alex] And then Marcus stood there
1735and said,
1736
1737394
173800:22:49,666 --> 00:22:51,833
1739"No, I will not forgive you."
1740
1741395
174200:22:53,166 --> 00:22:55,291
1743And turned around
1744and walked out of the room.
1745
1746396
174700:22:56,791 --> 00:22:59,416
1748I remember walking
1749out of the room with him
1750
1751397
175200:22:59,750 --> 00:23:02,250
1753and I-- I said,
1754[stutters] "Why did you do that?
1755
1756398
175700:23:02,333 --> 00:23:05,708
1758Why would you say no to a dying man,
1759his last wish?
1760
1761399
176200:23:06,083 --> 00:23:08,250
1763He's about to go.
1764Give him the forgiveness."
1765
1766400
176700:23:08,416 --> 00:23:10,625
1768He said, "No, I won't. What for?"
1769
1770401
177100:23:11,000 --> 00:23:12,458
1772I said, "Because he asked us.
1773
1774402
177500:23:12,833 --> 00:23:16,000
1776He asked us to forgive him.
1777Why could you not do that?"
1778
1779403
178000:23:16,416 --> 00:23:19,166
1781He said, "No". He said,
1782"It's complicated. I don't want to."
1783
1784404
178500:23:20,750 --> 00:23:22,750
1786[heavy rain pattering]
1787
1788405
178900:23:29,916 --> 00:23:32,125
1790[Alex] And then, a few days later,
1791he was gone.
1792
1793406
179400:23:36,875 --> 00:23:38,083
1795Once Dad had died,
1796
1797407
179800:23:38,750 --> 00:23:41,291
1799I thought things in the house
1800would change,
1801
1802408
180300:23:41,625 --> 00:23:43,958
1804because he was the bully,
1805he made the rules up.
1806
1807409
180800:23:45,166 --> 00:23:47,625
1809So, when I got into my twenties,
1810
1811410
181200:23:48,625 --> 00:23:52,166
1813I thought we can have access to our house,
1814we could have keys to our house,
1815
1816411
181700:23:52,250 --> 00:23:55,791
1818we can go in and eat food whenever
1819we want. Turn up whenever we want.
1820
1821412
182200:23:55,916 --> 00:23:58,583
1823All those rules have gone
1824out of the window. He's gone now.
1825
1826413
182700:23:58,666 --> 00:24:00,666
1828[melancholic music playing]
1829
1830414
183100:24:01,250 --> 00:24:05,125
1832It was very quickly apparent
1833that the rules hadn't changed.
1834
1835415
183600:24:05,916 --> 00:24:07,666
1837They became even more stringent.
1838
1839416
184000:24:12,541 --> 00:24:15,500
1841Mom still didn't want us to have a key.
1842
1843417
184400:24:19,458 --> 00:24:23,333
1845But I asked Marcus about it,
1846and he just told me not to worry.
1847
1848418
184900:24:25,291 --> 00:24:26,208
1850So I didn't.
1851
1852419
185300:24:39,458 --> 00:24:41,000
1854And I jump five years later,
1855
1856420
185700:24:43,083 --> 00:24:46,375
1858and there she was, lying at the bottom
1859of the stairs, unconscious.
1860
1861421
186200:24:48,416 --> 00:24:50,416
1863[Marcus] She's got a brain tumor
1864in her head
1865
1866422
186700:24:51,416 --> 00:24:53,291
1868that was fatal.
1869
1870423
187100:24:58,333 --> 00:25:00,791
1872[Alex] I found the whole thing
1873very upsetting.
1874
1875424
187600:25:03,541 --> 00:25:05,291
1877I did grow to love my mother.
1878
1879425
188000:25:07,375 --> 00:25:11,291
1881And, you know,
1882and become very close to her.
1883
1884426
188500:25:17,208 --> 00:25:19,125
1886She said that she would miss us,
1887
1888427
188900:25:19,708 --> 00:25:23,125
1890and, um... and that she loved us.
1891
1892428
189300:25:23,250 --> 00:25:24,166
1894[inhales]
1895
1896429
189700:25:24,958 --> 00:25:28,708
1898And it was at that moment...
1899she slipped away.
1900
1901430
190200:25:31,166 --> 00:25:32,791
1903I just cried
1904
1905431
190600:25:34,166 --> 00:25:35,750
1907for quite some time.
1908
1909432
191000:25:38,375 --> 00:25:39,458
1911But Marcus didn't.
1912
1913433
191400:25:41,875 --> 00:25:43,333
1915No emotion at all.
1916
1917434
191800:25:45,250 --> 00:25:46,083
1919[Marcus] I felt...
1920
1921435
192200:25:47,958 --> 00:25:48,833
1923nothing.
1924
1925436
192600:25:50,625 --> 00:25:54,708
1927I didn't feel any guilt
1928for feeling nothing,
1929
1930437
193100:25:54,791 --> 00:25:58,083
1932I didn't feel sad. I didn't feel...
1933
1934438
193500:25:59,583 --> 00:26:02,000
1936relieved. I just felt nothing.
1937
1938439
193900:26:08,083 --> 00:26:10,125
1940[Alex] I know my brother inside out.
1941
1942440
194300:26:10,708 --> 00:26:13,458
1944We are twins. We know
1945everything about each other,
1946
1947441
194800:26:14,166 --> 00:26:18,416
1949yet he has handled this situation
1950in a completely different way to me.
1951
1952442
195300:26:19,541 --> 00:26:21,791
1954And it bothered me a lot.
1955
1956443
195700:26:27,833 --> 00:26:32,500
1958After the funeral,
1959we went back to Duke's Cottage
1960
1961444
196200:26:33,125 --> 00:26:36,250
1963and walked back into our house
1964with our key.
1965
1966445
196700:26:37,166 --> 00:26:42,583
1968And we started clearing up
1969this vast house and its outbuildings,
1970
1971446
197200:26:43,166 --> 00:26:45,708
1973-which were full of stuff.
1974-[door opens]
1975
1976447
197700:26:45,791 --> 00:26:47,791
1978[eerie music playing]
1979
1980448
198100:26:48,625 --> 00:26:52,500
1982We started with the downstairs,
1983throwing things away,
1984
1985449
198600:26:53,541 --> 00:26:57,708
1987and every now and again
1988you would find a jam jar
1989
1990450
199100:26:57,791 --> 00:26:59,833
1992full of 50-pound notes.
1993
1994451
199500:27:00,791 --> 00:27:03,166
1996And then some
1997tied into the back of a curtain.
1998
1999452
200000:27:06,833 --> 00:27:09,750
2001And I'm starting to think,
2002“That's a bit strange.”
2003
2004453
200500:27:12,208 --> 00:27:14,500
2006And we're going into bathrooms.
2007
2008454
200900:27:15,750 --> 00:27:19,333
2010One bathroom in particular
2011there was this huge wardrobe
2012
2013455
201400:27:20,375 --> 00:27:21,666
2015full of sex toys.
2016
2017456
201800:27:25,500 --> 00:27:28,333
2019Marcus and I looked in it.
2020I was really, really shocked.
2021
2022457
202300:27:29,666 --> 00:27:32,791
2024But he didn't really show much emotion,
2025
2026458
202700:27:33,208 --> 00:27:34,875
2028just kept reassuring me,
2029
2030459
203100:27:34,958 --> 00:27:37,833
2032"Never mind about that,
2033put it to one side. Let's get on."
2034
2035460
203600:27:38,416 --> 00:27:39,625
2037[door opens]
2038
2039461
204000:27:41,833 --> 00:27:43,416
2041And when we got into the attic,
2042
2043462
204400:27:44,041 --> 00:27:46,875
2045there was our childhood.
2046
2047463
204800:27:50,250 --> 00:27:55,250
2049All our school books,
2050all our baby clothes.
2051
2052464
205300:27:56,666 --> 00:27:59,708
2054And then boxes and boxes of presents
2055
2056465
205700:28:00,333 --> 00:28:03,666
2058that have been given to us
2059for every Christmas and every birthday
2060
2061466
206200:28:04,083 --> 00:28:08,375
2063from our godfathers, aunts, uncles.
2064
2065467
206600:28:09,750 --> 00:28:14,583
2067We spent every birthday and Christmas
2068with no presents from anybody.
2069
2070468
207100:28:16,250 --> 00:28:18,583
2072She kept every single one.
2073
2074469
207500:28:22,250 --> 00:28:25,166
2076It made my mother much more complicated.
2077
2078470
207900:28:27,708 --> 00:28:31,458
2080Who was this lady?
2081What do I not know about her?
2082
2083471
208400:28:36,375 --> 00:28:39,291
2085And we started clearing Mommy's room.
2086
2087472
208800:28:45,416 --> 00:28:46,875
2089[sliding door opening]
2090
2091473
209200:28:48,125 --> 00:28:50,416
2093We were in the back of a cupboard,
2094
2095474
209600:28:50,875 --> 00:28:54,666
2097and you get through all these
2098tons and tons of coats and clothes,
2099
2100475
210100:28:55,166 --> 00:29:00,041
2102and at the back you find a secret door
2103to a cupboard within a cupboard.
2104
2105476
210600:29:00,583 --> 00:29:04,208
2107Of course, it's locked.
2108So we have to find a key.
2109
2110477
211100:29:05,708 --> 00:29:07,708
2112[clattering]
2113
2114478
211500:29:19,541 --> 00:29:24,000
2116And inside there is a photograph
2117
2118479
211900:29:24,958 --> 00:29:26,500
2120of me and Marcus,
2121
2122480
212300:29:28,125 --> 00:29:31,583
2124aged around ten, and we're naked
2125
2126481
212700:29:32,750 --> 00:29:34,125
2128with our heads cut off.
2129
2130482
213100:29:37,791 --> 00:29:42,333
2132[tearfully] It was too weird.
2133It was just too, too strange.
2134
2135483
213600:29:43,000 --> 00:29:44,916
2137What the hell was she doing
2138
2139484
214000:29:45,625 --> 00:29:49,916
2141with a naked picture of me and Marcus
2142with our heads cut off?
2143
2144485
214500:29:56,083 --> 00:29:57,500
2146I just didn't know what to do.
2147
2148486
214900:29:58,416 --> 00:29:59,250
2150I...
2151
2152487
215300:30:00,208 --> 00:30:02,916
2154-didn't know what to do. [sighs]
2155-[music fades out]
2156
2157488
215800:30:04,750 --> 00:30:06,291
2159[fire crackling]
2160
2161489
216200:30:24,208 --> 00:30:25,666
2163[breathes deeply]
2164
2165490
216600:30:27,041 --> 00:30:27,875
2167No.
2168
2169491
217000:30:29,458 --> 00:30:30,291
2171[sniffles]
2172
2173492
217400:30:30,833 --> 00:30:31,791
2175[sobbing] Fucking mad.
2176
2177493
217800:30:33,083 --> 00:30:34,333
2179I'm too fucking mad.
2180
2181494
218200:30:36,916 --> 00:30:37,750
2183[gulps]
2184
2185495
218600:30:37,833 --> 00:30:39,125
2187[sighs] Jesus.
2188
2189496
219000:30:40,041 --> 00:30:40,875
2191[scoffs]
2192
2193497
219400:30:51,333 --> 00:30:53,750
2195[gulps] Can I have a cup of tea?
2196
2197498
219800:31:03,750 --> 00:31:05,750
2199[melancholic music playing]
2200
2201499
220200:31:08,000 --> 00:31:10,291
2203[tires moving over gravel]
2204
2205500
220600:31:21,541 --> 00:31:25,666
2207[Marcus] I, from day one,
2208started to create
2209
2210501
221100:31:25,916 --> 00:31:28,750
2212a different life for Alex
2213than we actually had.
2214
2215502
221600:31:35,708 --> 00:31:39,875
2217I painted a picture of a normal family.
2218We lived in a nice house.
2219
2220503
222100:31:40,166 --> 00:31:42,583
2222Our parents were nice, decent people.
2223
2224504
222500:31:44,958 --> 00:31:46,375
2226But none of that was true.
2227
2228505
222900:31:48,250 --> 00:31:51,500
2230It was a fantasy
2231that I was creating for him.
2232
2233506
223400:31:51,875 --> 00:31:54,375
2235And the longer it went on,
2236the bigger the fantasy.
2237
2238507
223900:31:54,791 --> 00:31:56,791
2240[motorcycle screeching]
2241
2242508
224300:31:58,583 --> 00:32:00,583
2244[music fades out]
2245
2246509
224700:32:07,958 --> 00:32:10,208
2248When Alex came back from the hospital,
2249
2250510
225100:32:11,166 --> 00:32:13,375
2252he didn't know who his mother was.
2253
2254511
225500:32:13,833 --> 00:32:16,666
2256He didn't know his house.
2257He didn't know his bedroom.
2258
2259512
226000:32:16,750 --> 00:32:19,250
2261Didn't know his girlfriend.
2262He didn't know he was in England.
2263
2264513
226500:32:19,333 --> 00:32:22,000
2266He didn't know... anything.
2267
2268514
226900:32:24,291 --> 00:32:27,208
2270But he knew... [loud muffled click] me.
2271
2272515
227300:32:28,416 --> 00:32:29,666
2274He knew who I was.
2275
2276516
227700:32:33,166 --> 00:32:35,750
2278If you've only got one fact in your mind,
2279
2280517
228100:32:36,416 --> 00:32:39,708
2282one thing that you know 100%,
2283one thing that is yours,
2284
2285518
228600:32:40,083 --> 00:32:42,541
2287of your own, not something
2288that anybody's given you,
2289
2290519
229100:32:43,250 --> 00:32:45,541
2292you then build
2293everything around that fact.
2294
2295520
229600:32:48,041 --> 00:32:51,416
2297He had to trust me because
2298he didn't have anybody else to trust.
2299
2300521
230100:32:52,291 --> 00:32:53,666
2302Without me, he had nothing.
2303
2304522
230500:32:56,708 --> 00:33:00,333
2306So I started off,
2307when he got home, with the basics.
2308
2309523
231000:33:00,416 --> 00:33:04,333
2311Who are your parents,
2312where's your room, where's your stuff.
2313
2314524
231500:33:05,375 --> 00:33:09,458
2316And we did it on that basis.
2317It was just one fact after the next fact.
2318
2319525
232000:33:12,250 --> 00:33:17,083
2321And it wasn't until I'd been doing it
2322for about six months that I realized
2323
2324526
232500:33:17,458 --> 00:33:21,541
2326that I had some control over
2327what he knew and what he didn't know.
2328
2329527
233000:33:21,916 --> 00:33:24,875
2331Because everything that I told him
2332he accepted and he believed.
2333
2334528
233500:33:26,625 --> 00:33:28,708
2336So, for instance, he would ask
2337
2338529
233900:33:29,208 --> 00:33:31,083
2340what family holidays we'd go on.
2341
2342530
234300:33:34,583 --> 00:33:37,583
2344The truth was
2345we didn't go on family holidays.
2346
2347531
234800:33:38,291 --> 00:33:41,708
2349And if we went on a holiday,
2350we'd go with other people's families.
2351
2352532
235300:33:42,458 --> 00:33:46,458
2354We'd never go with our parents.
2355But I didn't want to give him that,
2356
2357533
235800:33:46,541 --> 00:33:51,083
2359because that was depressing
2360and sad and not very normal.
2361
2362534
236300:33:51,583 --> 00:33:52,750
2364So instead of saying,
2365
2366535
236700:33:52,833 --> 00:33:55,875
2368"Oh, we didn't go on family holidays
2369because our parents were shit."
2370
2371536
237200:33:56,208 --> 00:33:58,791
2373I said, "Yeah, we'd go
2374on family holidays all the time."
2375
2376537
237700:33:58,875 --> 00:34:01,583
2378Here's a picture of one
2379of the family holidays in France.
2380
2381538
238200:34:02,041 --> 00:34:05,000
2383My Dad spoke French.
2384It seemed like a natural fit.
2385
2386539
238700:34:05,583 --> 00:34:07,000
2388"Ah, right, that's nice."
2389
2390540
239100:34:07,291 --> 00:34:10,041
2392And I did manage to find
2393a picture of us on the beach.
2394
2395541
239600:34:11,041 --> 00:34:12,625
2397And that seemed to satisfy him.
2398
2399542
240000:34:13,833 --> 00:34:17,916
2401He didn't say, "Did we go with Mom?"
2402"Did we go with Dad?"
2403
2404543
240500:34:18,666 --> 00:34:19,916
2406"Did we all go as a family?”
2407
2408544
240900:34:22,083 --> 00:34:23,791
2410He didn't ask any of those questions,
2411
2412545
241300:34:25,125 --> 00:34:26,666
2414and I didn't give him the detail.
2415
2416546
241700:34:29,916 --> 00:34:31,291
2418I'd give him a photo.
2419
2420547
242100:34:32,791 --> 00:34:34,583
2422His imagination did the rest.
2423
2424548
242500:34:38,000 --> 00:34:43,375
2426I gave him a photo album
2427of happy memories,
2428
2429549
243000:34:44,500 --> 00:34:45,625
2431happy times.
2432
2433550
243400:34:47,291 --> 00:34:48,333
2435With none of the shit.
2436
2437551
243800:34:55,500 --> 00:34:59,041
2439I tried to not make anything up.
2440I just left stuff out.
2441
2442552
244300:35:01,208 --> 00:35:03,000
2444If he'd started
2445challenging me on everything,
2446
2447553
244800:35:03,916 --> 00:35:05,500
2449the whole thing would've broken down,
2450
2451554
245200:35:05,583 --> 00:35:08,416
2453and he would've worked out very early on
2454what was really going on here.
2455
2456555
245700:35:12,791 --> 00:35:14,916
2458But you've got to remember,
2459he'd lost all memory.
2460
2461556
246200:35:16,250 --> 00:35:20,041
2463So I wasn't being challenged
2464at any point about anything.
2465
2466557
246700:35:20,458 --> 00:35:23,500
2468So If I said he went on a family holiday,
2469we went on a family holiday.
2470
2471558
247200:35:24,000 --> 00:35:25,875
2473Period. He didn't ask again.
2474
2475559
247600:35:28,166 --> 00:35:31,041
2477And I did that all the way up
2478until he was 32 years old.
2479
2480560
248100:35:36,333 --> 00:35:37,458
2482[music fades out]
2483
2484561
248500:35:38,250 --> 00:35:42,666
2486He had total blind faith
2487in everything that I told him.
2488
2489562
249000:35:48,708 --> 00:35:51,166
2491[Alex] That's the key to this whole thing...
2492
2493563
249400:35:52,708 --> 00:35:53,916
2495is the word trust.
2496
2497564
249800:35:55,458 --> 00:35:58,791
2499I had no reason not to trust him
2500or question him.
2501
2502565
250300:36:00,250 --> 00:36:02,166
2504So that's how-- how this--
2505
2506566
250700:36:02,250 --> 00:36:05,375
2508A lot of people think, just cannot believe
2509that this is even possible.
2510
2511567
251200:36:05,458 --> 00:36:07,666
2513But if you have blinding trust,
2514it is possible.
2515
2516568
251700:36:07,750 --> 00:36:08,708
2518[inhales]
2519
2520569
252100:36:10,541 --> 00:36:11,375
2522[gulps]
2523
2524570
252500:36:12,416 --> 00:36:14,041
2526I had no reason to doubt him, did I?
2527
2528571
252900:36:15,791 --> 00:36:16,625
2530[exhales]
2531
2532572
253300:36:16,708 --> 00:36:17,541
2534[clink]
2535
2536573
253700:36:20,833 --> 00:36:22,583
2538[Marcus] To start with,
2539it was quite simple
2540
2541574
254200:36:22,666 --> 00:36:24,125
2543because I had all the answers.
2544
2545575
254600:36:24,791 --> 00:36:28,916
2547But, as time goes by,
2548the questions get more complicated,
2549
2550576
255100:36:29,000 --> 00:36:30,833
2552the questions get more directed,
2553
2554577
255500:36:31,000 --> 00:36:33,166
2556and then you have to start remembering
2557
2558578
255900:36:33,250 --> 00:36:35,750
2560what he haven't told him,
2561remembering what you have told him.
2562
2563579
256400:36:36,458 --> 00:36:39,625
2565So then it became
2566a conscious choice to actually...
2567
2568580
256900:36:40,833 --> 00:36:41,666
2570lie.
2571
2572581
257300:36:41,750 --> 00:36:43,750
2574[suspenseful music playing]
2575
2576582
257700:36:44,291 --> 00:36:47,875
2578So he would ask,
2579"Is our mother a good mother?"
2580
2581583
258200:36:47,958 --> 00:36:48,875
2583[inhales]
2584
2585584
258600:36:49,583 --> 00:36:54,166
2587And I'd say, "Yeah, our mother's cool."
2588And that would be the end of the question.
2589
2590585
259100:36:55,750 --> 00:36:58,458
2592You would say to me,
2593"Well, that's not an acceptable answer.
2594
2595586
259600:36:58,583 --> 00:37:00,875
2597What am I supposed to do with,
2598'Our mother's cool.'
2599
2600587
260100:37:00,958 --> 00:37:04,000
2602I want more. What was she like?
2603How did she look after us?
2604
2605588
260600:37:04,083 --> 00:37:07,791
2607Does she love us? [inhales]
2608You know, has she been a good mother?"
2609
2610589
261100:37:08,125 --> 00:37:10,250
2612But he wasn't asking
2613any questions like that.
2614
2615590
261600:37:10,333 --> 00:37:14,375
2617He just wanted to know,
2618"Is my mother cool?" "Yes, she is."
2619
2620591
262100:37:14,750 --> 00:37:17,208
2622Great. Pop that in the memory bank.
2623Move on.
2624
2625592
262600:37:25,375 --> 00:37:29,375
2627[Alex] It's amazing I never noticed
2628that the stories didn't line up.
2629
2630593
263100:37:33,375 --> 00:37:37,083
2632I cannot believe I never
2633stopped to say to him,
2634
2635594
263600:37:37,333 --> 00:37:38,958
2637"That doesn't all fit together."
2638
2639595
264000:37:39,958 --> 00:37:44,333
2641Right in my entire twenties
2642I never questioned it.
2643
2644596
264500:37:55,666 --> 00:37:57,041
2646[soughing wind]
2647
2648597
264900:37:57,125 --> 00:37:59,041
2650[Marcus] Once I'd stepped into that realm,
2651
2652598
265300:38:00,375 --> 00:38:02,083
2654of not telling him the truth...
2655
2656599
265700:38:04,041 --> 00:38:05,333
2658I couldn't get out of it.
2659
2660600
266100:38:07,375 --> 00:38:09,166
2662And it then just snowballed
2663
2664601
266500:38:09,625 --> 00:38:12,416
2666to a point I had to stick
2667with what I'd told him.
2668
2669602
267000:38:12,500 --> 00:38:14,125
2671[music fades out]
2672
2673603
267400:38:15,000 --> 00:38:18,000
2675Because otherwise I had
2676to admit to him that I'd made
2677
2678604
267900:38:18,625 --> 00:38:21,166
2680a life up that didn't exist.
2681
2682605
268300:38:21,250 --> 00:38:23,250
2684[rain pattering]
2685
2686606
268700:38:32,083 --> 00:38:35,125
2688Lying to my brother has a toll on you.
2689
2690607
269100:38:38,375 --> 00:38:42,208
2692And it alters the way
2693that you feel about yourself.
2694
2695608
269600:38:44,541 --> 00:38:49,541
2697I was lying to my best friend,
2698my partner, my other half,
2699
2700609
270100:38:49,750 --> 00:38:54,500
2702every single day.
2703And the guilt in doing that is so big.
2704
2705610
270600:38:55,708 --> 00:38:57,833
2707But telling him the truth was
2708
2709611
271000:38:57,916 --> 00:39:00,708
2711a thousand times worse
2712than telling him a lie.
2713
2714612
271500:39:02,208 --> 00:39:05,083
2716So I was damned if I did,
2717and I was damned if I didn't.
2718
2719613
272000:39:06,958 --> 00:39:08,958
2721[tires moving over gravel]
2722
2723614
272400:39:10,083 --> 00:39:11,833
2725So I had to choose between the two.
2726
2727615
272800:39:15,166 --> 00:39:17,583
2729And so I chose, in the end,
2730
2731616
273200:39:18,375 --> 00:39:22,000
2733to never tell him the truth
2734of what happened in his childhood.
2735
2736617
273700:39:38,041 --> 00:39:39,458
2738[Marcus] We all like to think that
2739
2740618
274100:39:39,916 --> 00:39:42,500
2742we'd know who a pedophile is
2743when they walk in a room,
2744
2745619
274600:39:43,541 --> 00:39:45,458
2747because they've got a big label on them.
2748
2749620
275000:39:46,375 --> 00:39:49,083
2751But in reality, it's just not like that.
2752
2753621
275400:39:53,583 --> 00:39:56,416
2755My mother sexually abused us
2756
2757622
275800:39:57,041 --> 00:39:59,125
2759up to the age of about 12 or 14.
2760
2761623
276200:40:01,708 --> 00:40:03,958
2763[tearfully] And why would you want
2764to give that?
2765
2766624
276700:40:04,041 --> 00:40:06,875
2768I mean, what's that?
2769I mean that's something...
2770
2771625
277200:40:07,375 --> 00:40:09,041
2773[normal voice] if I just told you today
2774
2775626
277600:40:09,291 --> 00:40:11,875
2777that that happened in your childhood,
2778you knew nothing about it,
2779
2780627
278100:40:12,125 --> 00:40:13,625
2782it would fuck the rest of your life up.
2783
2784628
278500:40:15,708 --> 00:40:17,458
2786Why would you feel that it's necessary
2787
2788629
278900:40:17,833 --> 00:40:20,958
2790to give an emotionally
2791disturbed 18-year-old
2792
2793630
279400:40:21,541 --> 00:40:23,625
2795information that he can't handle
2796
2797631
279800:40:24,000 --> 00:40:26,500
2799and is not necessary for him to know?
2800
2801632
280200:40:28,500 --> 00:40:30,708
2803And if it was the other round,
2804I would expect him...
2805
2806633
280700:40:31,791 --> 00:40:33,541
2808I'd expect him to do the same.
2809
2810634
281100:40:34,333 --> 00:40:37,583
2812I would want him to do the same.
2813I'd be angry if he hadn't done it.
2814
2815635
281600:40:38,916 --> 00:40:41,083
2817And I do feel
2818very passionately about that.
2819
2820636
282100:40:41,541 --> 00:40:42,458
2822[inhales deeply]
2823
2824637
282500:40:42,541 --> 00:40:44,666
2826There are people that say,
2827"The truth is the truth,
2828
2829638
283000:40:44,750 --> 00:40:47,500
2831and you should've told him.
2832And he would have to go to therapy,
2833
2834639
283500:40:47,583 --> 00:40:50,416
2836and he'd have to deal with all
2837of those things for the rest of his life.
2838
2839640
284000:40:50,666 --> 00:40:53,791
2841And it wasn't up to you to play God.
2842And it wasn't up to you
2843
2844641
284500:40:54,375 --> 00:40:56,541
2846to-- to take away those things."
2847
2848642
284900:40:56,625 --> 00:40:59,125
2850[tearfully] But for me, [sniffles]
2851the way I feel,
2852
2853643
285400:41:00,250 --> 00:41:03,083
2855I have it... and it's a shit feeling.
2856
2857644
285800:41:06,041 --> 00:41:07,708
2859[normal voice]
2860He doesn't have that feeling.
2861
2862645
286300:41:07,791 --> 00:41:10,083
2864He doesn't know
2865what it feels like to feel like that.
2866
2867646
286800:41:10,166 --> 00:41:12,333
2869I gave him a present
2870of not knowing any of that.
2871
2872647
287300:41:14,166 --> 00:41:16,750
2874And so, for me, that has to be a gift.
2875
2876648
287700:41:16,916 --> 00:41:19,708
2878It has to be something precious
2879
2880649
288100:41:19,791 --> 00:41:23,041
2882that any human being would give
2883to another one that they love.
2884
2885650
288600:41:23,166 --> 00:41:25,875
2887[tearfully] Anybody would do that.
2888[sighs, gulps]
2889
2890651
289100:41:45,333 --> 00:41:47,333
2892[melancholic music playing]
2893
2894652
289500:41:49,375 --> 00:41:53,583
2896I had been living this life for Alex
2897
2898653
289900:41:54,583 --> 00:41:55,875
2900for so many years,
2901
2902654
290300:41:57,541 --> 00:41:59,583
2904doing all of the things
2905that I was meant to do
2906
2907655
290800:41:59,666 --> 00:42:02,333
2909that fitted the narrative
2910that I'd been giving him.
2911
2912656
291300:42:05,083 --> 00:42:09,166
2914It would be her birthday, and we'd arrive
2915at the house, and we'd all hug and kiss.
2916
2917657
291800:42:10,625 --> 00:42:12,666
2919I mean, I just don't know
2920what she was thinking.
2921
2922658
292300:42:13,958 --> 00:42:16,125
2924"Look, I've fucked these boys' lives up,
2925
2926659
292700:42:16,208 --> 00:42:18,000
2928and here they are
2929singing Happy Birthday to me."
2930
2931660
293200:42:24,083 --> 00:42:26,833
2933We'd make a cake,
2934and we'd all make a fuss, and we'd sing,
2935
2936661
293700:42:26,916 --> 00:42:29,500
2938and we'd do all of the things
2939that you were meant to do in a family.
2940
2941662
294200:42:30,500 --> 00:42:32,791
2943Alex was doing
2944what it said in the story books.
2945
2946663
294700:42:33,375 --> 00:42:35,791
2948He was doing what it said in the movies.
2949
2950664
295100:42:37,666 --> 00:42:41,333
2952"Go and give your Mom a kiss.
2953Go and give this lady a kiss."
2954
2955665
295600:42:43,791 --> 00:42:45,500
2957And I watched from the sidelines.
2958
2959666
296000:42:51,416 --> 00:42:55,000
2961The pain and anguish
2962that was going on inside me was explosive!
2963
2964667
296500:42:56,291 --> 00:43:00,083
2966And the power
2967of just wanting it to go away
2968
2969668
297000:43:00,541 --> 00:43:03,583
2971is so intense and so strong
2972
2973669
297400:43:04,791 --> 00:43:09,500
2975that I began to believe
2976the reality that I was creating.
2977
2978670
297900:43:10,666 --> 00:43:14,541
2980I needed to feel that actually
2981it had never happened to me.
2982
2983671
298400:43:18,041 --> 00:43:21,458
2985Alex lost his memory by accident.
2986
2987672
298800:43:23,791 --> 00:43:26,041
2989And I lost my memory voluntarily.
2990
2991673
299200:43:30,833 --> 00:43:33,666
2993And it was great. And I was free.
2994
2995674
299600:43:34,916 --> 00:43:37,500
2997And I could be rid
2998of all the things that she'd done to me.
2999
3000675
300100:43:38,333 --> 00:43:41,250
3002[tearfully] And all this hurt
3003that she caused me.
3004
3005676
300600:43:41,833 --> 00:43:43,458
3007[sniffles] And all the shame.
3008
3009677
301000:43:46,250 --> 00:43:47,333
3011You feel ashamed.
3012
3013678
301400:43:48,416 --> 00:43:49,583
3015You feel dirty.
3016
3017679
301800:43:50,583 --> 00:43:51,666
3019You feel used.
3020
3021680
302200:43:55,541 --> 00:43:56,708
3023And all that was gone.
3024
3025681
302600:44:04,666 --> 00:44:07,166
3027I then suddenly had a nice childhood.
3028
3029682
303000:44:09,125 --> 00:44:10,916
3031I then suddenly had nice parents.
3032
3033683
303400:44:12,791 --> 00:44:14,333
3035I then wasn't abused.
3036
3037684
303800:44:15,958 --> 00:44:18,250
3039All of these things
3040never happened to me either.
3041
3042685
304300:44:19,541 --> 00:44:23,083
3044So I was helping him
3045not to have that childhood,
3046
3047686
304800:44:23,500 --> 00:44:25,625
3049and I was helping myself at the same time.
3050
3051687
305200:44:28,458 --> 00:44:30,458
3053And it was magical.
3054
3055688
305600:44:33,625 --> 00:44:36,041
3057If I close my eyes
3058and really concentrated,
3059
3060689
306100:44:36,541 --> 00:44:38,041
3062of course it would all come back.
3063
3064690
306500:44:38,625 --> 00:44:40,666
3066But on the surface, on a daily level,
3067
3068691
306900:44:41,625 --> 00:44:43,375
3070I lived in the same circle as him.
3071
3072692
307300:44:45,000 --> 00:44:47,625
3074So it was a circle of convenience for me,
3075
3076693
307700:44:48,625 --> 00:44:50,125
3078and it was a necessary...
3079
3080694
308100:44:52,541 --> 00:44:54,458
3082evil lie...
3083
3084695
308500:44:56,916 --> 00:44:58,458
3086whatever you wanna call it for him.
3087
3088696
308900:45:03,875 --> 00:45:04,708
3090[sniffs]
3091
3092697
309300:45:05,791 --> 00:45:06,625
3094[gulps]
3095
3096698
309700:45:11,625 --> 00:45:13,125
3098Once my mother had died,
3099
3100699
310100:45:14,000 --> 00:45:16,208
3102once we had got her in the ground
3103and she was gone,
3104
3105700
310600:45:17,083 --> 00:45:20,500
3107then it was as if
3108the whole saga was finished.
3109
3110701
311100:45:21,000 --> 00:45:23,000
3112[fire crackling]
3113
3114702
311500:45:28,000 --> 00:45:32,541
3116When Alex found the photo,
3117he was experiencing confusion.
3118
3119703
312000:45:34,291 --> 00:45:38,250
3121When I found the photo, I was experiencing
3122
3123704
312400:45:39,125 --> 00:45:41,333
3125the horror of what had happened to me.
3126
3127705
312800:45:43,541 --> 00:45:44,875
3129It can't be anything else.
3130
3131706
313200:45:45,208 --> 00:45:47,208
3133It can't be an accident.
3134
3135707
313600:45:47,291 --> 00:45:49,958
3137She couldn't have slipped with
3138the scissors and chopped the heads off.
3139
3140708
314100:45:50,750 --> 00:45:53,500
3142It was something macabre and disturbing
3143
3144709
314500:45:54,500 --> 00:45:58,458
3146that needed to be
3147put back in a jar instantly,
3148
3149710
315000:45:59,541 --> 00:46:02,333
3151or risk falling into the abyss.
3152
3153711
315400:46:04,916 --> 00:46:08,000
3155[Alex] That photo changed it for me.
3156
3157712
315800:46:09,833 --> 00:46:13,125
3159I just walked straight into the kitchen.
3160
3161713
316200:46:14,000 --> 00:46:17,708
3163Marcus is standing there,
3164and I said to him,
3165
3166714
316700:46:18,333 --> 00:46:21,791
3168"Were we sexually abused or not?"
3169
3170715
317100:46:22,875 --> 00:46:24,958
3172And he turned around, and he went white.
3173
3174716
317500:46:25,791 --> 00:46:28,958
3176He didn't know what to do. He turned
3177around, he had a cup of tea in his hand,
3178
3179717
318000:46:29,416 --> 00:46:31,708
3181and it dropped out
3182of his hand onto the floor.
3183
3184718
318500:46:32,291 --> 00:46:38,166
3186In that split second,
3187the whole circle evaporated instantly.
3188
3189719
319000:46:39,208 --> 00:46:42,625
3191And I'll never forget it,
3192because I knew the game was up.
3193
3194720
319500:46:42,750 --> 00:46:45,875
3196-[melancholic violin music playing]
3197-And he just looked at me,
3198
3199721
320000:46:46,875 --> 00:46:48,083
3201he was silent.
3202
3203722
320400:46:50,416 --> 00:46:56,500
3205He nodded. He just nodded a yes to me.
3206He didn't say anything, he just nodded.
3207
3208723
320900:46:57,416 --> 00:46:59,541
3210And then he turned around,
3211put his back to me,
3212
3213724
321400:47:00,583 --> 00:47:01,958
3215and walked into the garden.
3216
3217725
321800:47:14,125 --> 00:47:18,041
3219I say, "Did Mommy abuse us or not?"
3220He said, "Yes, she did."
3221
3222726
322300:47:19,833 --> 00:47:21,500
3224He just put his arm around me,
3225
3226727
322700:47:22,166 --> 00:47:23,916
3228and he said,
3229
3230728
323100:47:24,791 --> 00:47:26,458
3232"Yeah, it's true."
3233
3234729
323500:47:29,291 --> 00:47:32,000
3236And we cried, both of us.
3237
3238730
323900:47:33,958 --> 00:47:35,666
3240[exasperated sigh]
3241
3242731
324300:47:38,083 --> 00:47:39,625
3244[cries]
3245
3246732
324700:47:42,166 --> 00:47:44,166
3248[exasperated sigh]
3249
3250733
325100:47:49,041 --> 00:47:52,541
3252I just cried and cried. [sighs]
3253[tearfully] For days.
3254
3255734
325600:47:54,458 --> 00:47:55,791
3257For days and days.
3258
3259735
326000:47:57,000 --> 00:47:59,875
3261And... I just didn't know what to do.
3262
3263736
326400:48:00,875 --> 00:48:01,708
3265I...
3266
3267737
326800:48:02,583 --> 00:48:03,916
3269didn't know what to do.
3270
3271738
327200:48:04,500 --> 00:48:05,416
3273[sighs]
3274
3275739
327600:48:12,000 --> 00:48:15,000
3277I just kept saying, "No, it can't be
3278Mommy. You've got it wrong."
3279
3280740
328100:48:16,625 --> 00:48:18,375
3282Our mother couldn't be a pedophile.
3283
3284741
328500:48:19,750 --> 00:48:21,208
3286She's not that kind of woman.
3287
3288742
328900:48:23,458 --> 00:48:27,791
3290She had her eccentricities to her,
3291but she wasn't that.
3292
3293743
329400:48:34,166 --> 00:48:38,041
3295[Marcus] To my knowledge,
3296my father never abused us.
3297
3298744
329900:48:39,750 --> 00:48:42,875
3300And, as much as I hated him
3301because he was so horrible,
3302
3303745
330400:48:43,583 --> 00:48:46,500
3305I don't believe he ever knew
3306that my mother was abusing us.
3307
3308746
330900:48:47,416 --> 00:48:48,750
3310I would like to think he did,
3311
3312747
331300:48:48,833 --> 00:48:51,708
3314and he should have done
3315something about it, but he didn't.
3316
3317748
331800:48:54,458 --> 00:48:56,958
3319She had that amazing ability to...
3320
3321749
332200:48:57,750 --> 00:48:59,916
3323almost hypnotize
3324
3325750
332600:49:00,208 --> 00:49:03,416
3327people around her
3328and get them to do what she wanted to do.
3329
3330751
333100:49:05,083 --> 00:49:07,041
3332Everybody thought
3333she was amazing and lovely,
3334
3335752
333600:49:07,500 --> 00:49:08,791
3337when underneath she wasn't.
3338
3339753
334000:49:09,666 --> 00:49:13,375
3341Underneath she was
3342a very complicated and...
3343
3344754
334500:49:15,291 --> 00:49:16,416
3346cruel person.
3347
3348755
334900:49:20,541 --> 00:49:23,083
3350[Alex] As hard as it was to accept
3351what Mommy had done,
3352
3353756
335400:49:24,333 --> 00:49:27,458
3355it was much harder to accept
3356what Marcus had done.
3357
3358757
335900:49:31,833 --> 00:49:35,708
3360That my own twin had actually lied to me.
3361
3362758
336300:49:39,291 --> 00:49:42,125
3364-The one person that I absolutely...
3365-[Marcus sighs]
3366
3367759
336800:49:42,541 --> 00:49:44,208
3369...trusted 100%
3370
3371760
337200:49:44,833 --> 00:49:45,958
3373has now betrayed me.
3374
3375761
337600:49:48,291 --> 00:49:49,541
3377I was angry with him.
3378
3379762
338000:49:50,250 --> 00:49:52,250
3381Really angry with him
3382for the first time ever.
3383
3384763
338500:49:53,541 --> 00:49:57,333
3386I was angry with him
3387that we knew everything about each other,
3388
3389764
339000:49:57,541 --> 00:50:00,208
3391and we had no secrets.
3392We'd do everything together,
3393
3394765
339500:50:00,833 --> 00:50:06,125
3396yet, behind all of that,
3397he still had a secret.
3398
3399766
340000:50:07,625 --> 00:50:11,541
3401How could we have secrets?
3402We don't have secrets. We're twins.
3403
3404767
340500:50:11,833 --> 00:50:14,125
3406We're identical twins. We're joined.
3407
3408768
340900:50:14,375 --> 00:50:16,583
3410Secrets is not something that exists
3411
3412769
341300:50:17,333 --> 00:50:19,583
3414and has no place in our relationship.
3415
3416770
341700:50:21,125 --> 00:50:22,958
3418And yet, here it is.
3419
3420771
342100:50:23,250 --> 00:50:24,916
3422[Marcus] I was almost free of it.
3423
3424772
342500:50:25,041 --> 00:50:29,291
3426I genuinely got rid of it out of myself,
3427out of my head.
3428
3429773
343000:50:30,000 --> 00:50:32,375
3431And Alex had just fucking taken it
3432
3433774
343400:50:32,458 --> 00:50:34,875
3435from this place
3436that I'd worked so hard to put it
3437
3438775
343900:50:35,083 --> 00:50:39,500
3440and just dumped it on the table.
3441In one second, just like that.
3442
3443776
344400:50:41,083 --> 00:50:43,250
3445I challenged him on it,
3446
3447777
344800:50:43,791 --> 00:50:47,250
3449and he just quite simply said
3450that he wasn't prepared to talk about it.
3451
3452778
345300:50:48,166 --> 00:50:51,750
3454He said there was sexual abuse,
3455and that was it.
3456
3457779
345800:50:51,875 --> 00:50:53,208
3459That was all he gave me.
3460
3461780
346200:50:55,333 --> 00:50:57,500
3463He would come and ask me, I'd say nothing.
3464
3465781
346600:50:57,583 --> 00:51:00,833
3467He'd come and ask me, I'd say nothing.
3468
3469782
347000:51:01,208 --> 00:51:03,208
3471I'd gone into shutdown.
3472
3473783
347400:51:03,583 --> 00:51:05,875
3475You know what, I've given you
3476the one piece of information,
3477
3478784
347900:51:05,958 --> 00:51:08,750
3480I said yes.
3481That's all you need to know.
3482
3483785
348400:51:11,291 --> 00:51:14,666
3485And we never spoke about any of it.
3486
3487786
348800:51:16,916 --> 00:51:18,125
3489[Marcus] I couldn't cope.
3490
3491787
349200:51:18,833 --> 00:51:21,250
3493I simply could not cope
3494
3495788
349600:51:21,833 --> 00:51:25,458
3497with the pain, with the--
3498with the kind of anguish of-- [inhales]
3499
3500789
350100:51:25,916 --> 00:51:28,000
3502I didn't have the tools to deal with it.
3503
3504790
350500:51:29,250 --> 00:51:31,958
3506I just wanted to run away
3507and hide in a hole.
3508
3509791
351000:51:33,125 --> 00:51:34,250
3511And that's what I did.
3512
3513792
351400:51:41,500 --> 00:51:43,500
3515[thunder rumbling]
3516
3517793
351800:51:46,125 --> 00:51:47,416
3519[heavy rain pattering]
3520
3521794
352200:51:54,958 --> 00:51:56,208
3523[Alex] I was on my own.
3524
3525795
352600:51:57,583 --> 00:52:01,291
3527Possibly on my own
3528for the first time in my entire life.
3529
3530796
353100:52:02,375 --> 00:52:04,375
3532[melancholic music playing]
3533
3534797
353500:52:04,583 --> 00:52:06,208
3536I had lost my twin.
3537
3538798
353900:52:07,208 --> 00:52:11,583
3540My one link to my whole existence.
3541
3542799
354300:52:17,916 --> 00:52:20,500
3544I was left with no details
3545of what my mom had done.
3546
3547800
354800:52:20,791 --> 00:52:24,000
3549I was left with no details
3550about which part of my life was real
3551
3552801
355300:52:24,083 --> 00:52:25,291
3554and which parts weren't.
3555
3556802
355700:52:26,416 --> 00:52:27,250
3558Nothing.
3559
3560803
356100:52:28,875 --> 00:52:30,875
3562[tires moving over gravel]
3563
3564804
356500:52:41,208 --> 00:52:42,958
3566What made this so hard
3567
3568805
356900:52:43,291 --> 00:52:46,708
3570was that I'd built my life
3571around what Marcus had given me.
3572
3573806
357400:52:49,125 --> 00:52:53,166
3575So it wasn't that I'd just lost Marcus,
3576I had also just lost myself.
3577
3578807
357900:52:56,166 --> 00:53:00,625
3580I've re-built my life
3581from the age of 18 with nothing.
3582
3583808
358400:53:01,791 --> 00:53:06,041
3585I'm now 32, and I'm back
3586to where I was before, ground zero.
3587
3588809
358900:53:06,125 --> 00:53:07,250
3590I'm back to nothing.
3591
3592810
359300:53:07,916 --> 00:53:10,833
3594I'm starting again, for the second time.
3595
3596811
359700:53:11,916 --> 00:53:17,291
3598If that's possible. And I've got
3599to restructure my entire life again!
3600
3601812
360200:53:18,500 --> 00:53:20,500
3603[rummaging]
3604
3605813
360600:53:27,791 --> 00:53:29,166
3607So I started
3608
3609814
361000:53:29,750 --> 00:53:33,375
3611trying to find out who my mother was,
3612
3613815
361400:53:35,125 --> 00:53:36,833
3615what sort of person she was.
3616
3617816
361800:53:38,875 --> 00:53:40,750
3619What was this secret life like?
3620
3621817
362200:53:41,125 --> 00:53:43,125
3623[melancholic piano music playing]
3624
3625818
362600:53:47,708 --> 00:53:51,708
3627And that was almost an obsession.
3628
3629819
363000:53:56,041 --> 00:53:58,750
3631I started piecing things together.
3632
3633820
363400:54:00,625 --> 00:54:05,333
3635I started finding newspaper clips
3636of my mother when she was a debutante.
3637
3638821
363900:54:05,416 --> 00:54:09,291
3640And I started finding,
3641you know, any pieces of information.
3642
3643822
364400:54:14,958 --> 00:54:17,375
3645Mixed in with the letters
3646that you would expect to see,
3647
3648823
364900:54:18,375 --> 00:54:21,375
3650I found lots of passionate love letters.
3651
3652824
365300:54:22,750 --> 00:54:26,125
3654Letters from people in the army, colonels,
3655
3656825
365700:54:26,208 --> 00:54:28,208
3658quite prominent people.
3659
3660826
366100:54:30,375 --> 00:54:33,000
3662Every single one of them
3663absolutely adored her.
3664
3665827
366600:54:35,916 --> 00:54:39,541
3667I started to realize that her whole
3668
3669828
367000:54:39,791 --> 00:54:42,500
3671life revolved around sex.
3672
3673829
367400:54:44,625 --> 00:54:47,791
3675She had some sort of spell over them.
3676
3677830
367800:54:55,916 --> 00:54:57,291
3679I did love my mother.
3680
3681831
368200:54:59,500 --> 00:55:01,583
3683And she was part of my life.
3684
3685832
368600:55:04,000 --> 00:55:07,625
3687And it was very, very difficult
3688
3689833
369000:55:08,083 --> 00:55:11,500
3691to marry up the two moms.
3692
3693834
369400:55:13,375 --> 00:55:15,833
3695The one I knew
3696and the one I found out about.
3697
3698835
369900:55:17,250 --> 00:55:19,041
3700It's just...
3701
3702836
370300:55:20,166 --> 00:55:21,750
3704bigger than I thought it was.
3705
3706837
370700:55:31,250 --> 00:55:33,458
3708It sent me into an unbelievable spin.
3709
3710838
371100:55:33,541 --> 00:55:35,375
3712-[cork popping]
3713-[people cheering]
3714
3715839
371600:55:37,208 --> 00:55:38,666
3717What is real and what isn't real?
3718
3719840
372000:55:39,875 --> 00:55:41,625
3721What if the whole damn lot...
3722
3723841
372400:55:41,708 --> 00:55:43,125
3725[loud muffled boom]
3726
3727842
372800:55:43,375 --> 00:55:44,833
3729...is a made up story?
3730
3731843
373200:55:49,125 --> 00:55:52,625
3733-Nothing makes sense.
3734-[high pitched ringing]
3735
3736844
373700:55:53,583 --> 00:55:56,541
3738[motorcycle squeals, loud bang]
3739
3740845
374100:55:57,333 --> 00:55:58,875
3742What else don't I know?
3743
3744846
374500:55:59,291 --> 00:56:01,291
3746[silence]
3747
3748847
374900:56:13,750 --> 00:56:15,875
3750I got so down and so depressed
3751
3752848
375300:56:17,666 --> 00:56:19,458
3754and so confused...
3755
3756849
375700:56:20,291 --> 00:56:21,666
3758about who I was.
3759
3760850
376100:56:24,750 --> 00:56:27,291
3762I even had suicidal thoughts.
3763
3764851
376500:56:27,625 --> 00:56:31,041
3766I-- I couldn't, I just couldn't cope
3767with day-to-day life.
3768
3769852
377000:56:36,666 --> 00:56:37,958
3771And it was very...
3772
3773853
377400:56:40,250 --> 00:56:41,250
3775difficult...
3776
3777854
377800:56:42,708 --> 00:56:43,666
3779to deal with.
3780
3781855
378200:56:49,125 --> 00:56:53,083
3783One of the big things that saves me
3784was meeting my wife.
3785
3786856
378700:56:54,666 --> 00:56:58,000
3788I met someone who was prepared
3789not only to take me on,
3790
3791857
379200:56:58,291 --> 00:57:02,125
3793but was prepared to take on
3794this extraordinary history
3795
3796858
379700:57:03,500 --> 00:57:06,958
3798and help me through
3799my quest for the truth.
3800
3801859
380200:57:08,250 --> 00:57:09,833
3803[melancholic music playing]
3804
3805860
380600:57:09,958 --> 00:57:12,375
3807So we got married,
3808and we've had two children.
3809
3810861
381100:57:13,708 --> 00:57:16,333
3812And Marcus also got married,
3813and he's got two children.
3814
3815862
381600:57:16,416 --> 00:57:17,333
3817[inhales]
3818
3819863
382000:57:17,416 --> 00:57:19,083
3821And we both got on with our lives.
3822
3823864
382400:57:24,166 --> 00:57:27,166
3825[Marcus] I was determined
3826to not let this affect my life.
3827
3828865
382900:57:27,500 --> 00:57:30,791
3830So I managed to put it away
3831into Pandora's box, shut the lid,
3832
3833866
383400:57:31,250 --> 00:57:33,666
3835and get on with a very happy life.
3836
3837867
383800:57:34,416 --> 00:57:35,541
3839I've had lots of fun.
3840
3841868
384200:57:35,625 --> 00:57:38,333
3843I've had amazing relationships.
3844I've got an amazing wife.
3845
3846869
384700:57:38,416 --> 00:57:41,000
3848I've done all these incredible things
3849in my life
3850
3851870
385200:57:41,208 --> 00:57:44,000
3853without having to deal
3854with any of that stuff.
3855
3856871
385700:57:44,083 --> 00:57:45,375
3858I just locked it away.
3859
3860872
386100:57:52,500 --> 00:57:56,041
3862[Alex] I think what makes
3863this story even more strange
3864
3865873
386600:57:56,458 --> 00:58:00,083
3867is the fact
3868that we do everything together.
3869
3870874
387100:58:01,250 --> 00:58:03,583
3872For the last 20 years,
3873we've worked together,
3874
3875875
387600:58:03,875 --> 00:58:06,833
3877we run our companies together,
3878we do everything together.
3879
3880876
388100:58:11,500 --> 00:58:13,666
3882We even wrote a book
3883about our experience.
3884
3885877
388600:58:16,375 --> 00:58:18,416
3887But Marcus just wouldn't open up.
3888
3889878
389000:58:21,458 --> 00:58:24,166
3891He wouldn't go
3892where I needed him to go.
3893
3894879
389500:58:29,125 --> 00:58:30,625
3896I had questions,
3897
3898880
389900:58:32,000 --> 00:58:33,458
3900and I needed answers.
3901
3902881
390300:58:34,625 --> 00:58:37,541
3904And he wasn't prepared to give them to me.
3905
3906882
390700:58:38,625 --> 00:58:40,875
3908And still hasn't to this day.
3909
3910883
391100:58:43,041 --> 00:58:43,958
3912[music fades out]
3913
3914884
391500:58:46,666 --> 00:58:49,250
3916[Marcus] I've been silent
3917about the real details
3918
3919885
392000:58:49,333 --> 00:58:50,958
3921of what happened for 20 years.
3922
3923886
392400:58:52,500 --> 00:58:54,708
3925And I look back on it now,
3926it's appalling what I did.
3927
3928887
392900:58:55,625 --> 00:58:57,458
3930I should have gone and given him a hug.
3931
3932888
393300:58:57,625 --> 00:59:00,541
3934We should've sat down and talked about it,
3935"How we're gonna get through it?
3936
3937889
393800:59:00,625 --> 00:59:03,916
3939Let's go for some therapy.
3940Let's do this together."
3941
3942890
394300:59:04,291 --> 00:59:05,500
3944And I did the opposite.
3945
3946891
394700:59:08,083 --> 00:59:10,083
3948[melancholic music playing]
3949
3950892
395100:59:10,791 --> 00:59:13,333
3952I left him to hang out and dry,
3953all on his own.
3954
3955893
395600:59:15,541 --> 00:59:19,333
3957[scoffs] I mean, I just can't believe
3958that I was capable of doing that...
3959
3960894
396100:59:19,958 --> 00:59:20,833
3962to him.
3963
3964895
396500:59:21,625 --> 00:59:24,041
3966And it's shameful, what I did.
3967
3968896
396900:59:26,333 --> 00:59:29,875
3970And one day
3971he'll forgive me for that, but...
3972
3973897
397400:59:31,791 --> 00:59:33,666
3975[breathes deeply]
3976
3977898
397800:59:35,125 --> 00:59:36,166
3979It's too much.
3980
3981899
398200:59:38,041 --> 00:59:39,000
3983Too much.
3984
3985900
398600:59:39,666 --> 00:59:41,666
3987[breathing deeply]
3988
3989901
399000:59:45,916 --> 00:59:48,000
3991[music fades out]
3992
3993902
399400:59:58,375 --> 00:59:59,708
3995[eerie music playing]
3996
3997903
399801:00:00,000 --> 01:00:02,000
3999[breathes deeply]
4000
4001904
400201:00:10,333 --> 01:00:12,416
4003[Alex] I still don't know who I am.
4004
4005905
400601:00:15,125 --> 01:00:17,125
4007[breathes deeply]
4008
4009906
401001:00:18,125 --> 01:00:20,208
4011What I need my brother
4012to do now is talk...
4013
4014907
401501:00:22,666 --> 01:00:26,833
4016so I can work out what is real
4017and what isn't real.
4018
4019908
402001:00:31,583 --> 01:00:34,166
4021I need him to give me
4022the last piece of the jigsaw puzzle.
4023
4024909
402501:00:37,375 --> 01:00:38,666
4026What really happened
4027
4028910
402901:00:40,875 --> 01:00:42,000
4030back in that house
4031
4032911
403301:00:44,166 --> 01:00:45,375
4034all those years ago.
4035
4036912
403701:00:58,041 --> 01:00:58,875
4038[gulps]
4039
4040913
404101:01:10,375 --> 01:01:11,291
4042[gulps]
4043
4044914
404501:01:15,666 --> 01:01:16,625
4046Bit close to you.
4047
4048915
404901:01:16,791 --> 01:01:17,875
4050[Alex chuckles]
4051
4052916
405301:01:20,666 --> 01:01:22,958
4054-There you go.
4055-Yeah. Just a tad.
4056
4057917
405801:01:26,250 --> 01:01:31,041
4059It does seem amazing
4060that we've done so much together.
4061
4062918
406301:01:31,416 --> 01:01:34,041
4064We've gone through
4065so many different things,
4066
4067919
406801:01:35,208 --> 01:01:37,958
4069but without ever actually sitting down
4070
4071920
407201:01:39,166 --> 01:01:42,125
4073and saying,
4074"What was all that about then?"
4075
4076921
407701:01:44,000 --> 01:01:45,750
4078I've always felt I never needed to.
4079
4080922
408101:01:45,916 --> 01:01:49,000
4082I've always felt
4083that you trusted me enough...
4084
4085923
408601:01:51,166 --> 01:01:54,291
4087and respected me enough
4088to not have to know all the details.
4089
4090924
409101:01:56,833 --> 01:02:00,666
4092Yeah. I did accept each thing
4093as you said it along the way,
4094
4095925
409601:02:01,375 --> 01:02:04,083
4097but sort of the more I learn,
4098as we've gone through the story,
4099
4100926
410101:02:05,166 --> 01:02:08,500
4102the more extraordinary it was
4103
4104927
410501:02:09,000 --> 01:02:11,416
4106how I didn't question anything you said.
4107
4108928
410901:02:14,000 --> 01:02:15,541
4110And the...
4111
4112929
411301:02:16,625 --> 01:02:17,916
4114cost to me,
4115
4116930
411701:02:18,291 --> 01:02:19,958
4118personally, was enormous.
4119
4120931
412101:02:21,833 --> 01:02:25,791
4122It was a much harder journey
4123for me to go through
4124
4125932
412601:02:26,041 --> 01:02:30,000
4127than you ever imagined
4128or actually stopped to even work out.
4129
4130933
413101:02:33,166 --> 01:02:35,500
4132And for me, your secrecy
4133
4134934
413501:02:36,333 --> 01:02:40,166
4136is something
4137that I just have found very difficult
4138
4139935
414001:02:40,666 --> 01:02:43,916
4141because we know everything together.
4142
4143936
414401:02:44,250 --> 01:02:47,250
4145We're identical twins, we understand
4146things together, we're linked together.
4147
4148937
414901:02:48,333 --> 01:02:50,458
4150Yet we have this
4151
4152938
415301:02:51,041 --> 01:02:52,000
4154unbelievable
4155
4156939
415701:02:52,625 --> 01:02:54,625
4158separation of silence
4159
4160940
416101:02:55,208 --> 01:02:57,291
4162that I'm desperately trying
4163to ask questions,
4164
4165941
416601:02:57,375 --> 01:02:59,333
4167and you're desperately trying
4168not to answer them.
4169
4170942
417101:03:01,875 --> 01:03:03,458
4172And for me, I feel...
4173
4174943
417501:03:05,791 --> 01:03:08,708
4176that once I've got it,
4177I can stop my journey.
4178
4179944
418001:03:10,166 --> 01:03:12,541
4181Do you see what I mean?
4182I need to stop my journey.
4183
4184945
418501:03:12,833 --> 01:03:14,500
4186I need to stop searching.
4187
4188946
418901:03:15,000 --> 01:03:16,958
4190And you can finally be rid of it
4191
4192947
419301:03:17,125 --> 01:03:20,166
4194at the same time, so we've both
4195got something to gain from this.
4196
4197948
419801:03:20,708 --> 01:03:23,083
4199-Just as much as each other.
4200-I know we have.
4201
4202949
420301:03:23,708 --> 01:03:24,666
4204You know.
4205
4206950
420701:03:24,750 --> 01:03:27,000
4208And you've got to understand that
4209once you came to me
4210
4211951
421201:03:27,458 --> 01:03:29,500
4213on that day that I'll never forget
4214and you asked
4215
4216952
421701:03:29,916 --> 01:03:31,291
4218whether our mother abused us,
4219
4220953
422101:03:31,958 --> 01:03:34,166
4222and I simply said, "Yes"
4223but nothing else...
4224
4225954
422601:03:36,666 --> 01:03:38,333
4227I thought that was perfectly adequate
4228
4229955
423001:03:38,416 --> 01:03:40,208
4231and you could get on
4232with your life with that.
4233
4234956
423501:03:41,916 --> 01:03:44,416
4236But it wasn't. It wasn't for me.
4237
4238957
423901:03:45,458 --> 01:03:46,541
4240That one moment...
4241
4242958
424301:03:47,708 --> 01:03:49,000
4244cost me dearly.
4245
4246959
424701:03:49,958 --> 01:03:51,708
4248Well, it cost me pretty hard, Alex,
4249
4250960
425101:03:52,958 --> 01:03:57,833
4252because by giving that to you,
4253I then had to give it all back to myself,
4254
4255961
425601:03:58,208 --> 01:04:00,833
4257which I'd spent
4258fucking years getting rid of.
4259
4260962
426101:04:01,416 --> 01:04:03,625
4262Burying and burying and burying it.
4263
4264963
426501:04:05,250 --> 01:04:06,833
4266Silence, silence, silence.
4267
4268964
426901:04:07,000 --> 01:04:09,583
4270Yeah, but it allowed me
4271to have a free life,
4272
4273965
427401:04:10,166 --> 01:04:11,625
4275as you were having a free life.
4276
4277966
427801:04:12,250 --> 01:04:13,625
4279Free of child abuse.
4280
4281967
428201:04:15,208 --> 01:04:17,833
4283When I took it away from you,
4284I took it away from me.
4285
4286968
428701:04:18,666 --> 01:04:19,875
4288Do you not understand that?
4289
4290969
429101:04:24,000 --> 01:04:25,541
4292I'd been silent for me.
4293
4294970
429501:04:28,708 --> 01:04:29,583
4296For me.
4297
4298971
429901:04:32,041 --> 01:04:34,416
4300[tearfully] If I gave it to you,
4301I had to give it to me.
4302
4303972
430401:04:35,041 --> 01:04:38,750
4305And I have not been ready
4306to break the silence.
4307
4308973
430901:04:39,666 --> 01:04:41,125
4310A silence is a lie.
4311
4312974
431301:04:41,208 --> 01:04:43,583
4314I have been lying to myself
4315
4316975
431701:04:44,208 --> 01:04:47,541
4318for 20 years that I was abused.
4319
4320976
432101:04:49,125 --> 01:04:50,958
4322That is my defense mechanism.
4323
4324977
432501:04:51,041 --> 01:04:54,250
4326It is a lie. Being silent is a lie.
4327
4328978
432901:04:55,125 --> 01:04:57,458
4330And telling you what you wanted to know
4331
4332979
433301:04:58,458 --> 01:04:59,958
4334is breaking the silence.
4335
4336980
433701:05:01,208 --> 01:05:03,541
4338-Any of the information?
4339-Anything, Alex,
4340
4341981
434201:05:03,625 --> 01:05:06,583
4343anything more than,
4344"Yes, my mother abused us."
4345
4346982
434701:05:06,666 --> 01:05:09,416
4348I gave you the informa-- You asked me
4349a question, I told you the answer.
4350
4351983
435201:05:09,500 --> 01:05:11,416
4353Everything else is off the table.
4354
4355984
435601:05:12,500 --> 01:05:14,333
4357I couldn't cope with it anymore.
4358
4359985
436001:05:17,958 --> 01:05:19,791
4361[tearfully]
4362Don't you understand, Ali?
4363
4364986
436501:05:20,291 --> 01:05:22,250
4366[tearfully] No, I didn't.
4367I didn't understand.
4368
4369987
437001:05:22,708 --> 01:05:25,666
4371-That's why. That's why, Ali.
4372-I didn't understand it.
4373
4374988
437501:05:28,041 --> 01:05:29,250
4376I couldn't do that.
4377
4378989
437901:05:30,291 --> 01:05:31,791
4380I was too much of a coward.
4381
4382990
438301:05:32,125 --> 01:05:34,750
4384Totally and utterly too much of a coward
4385
4386991
438701:05:35,666 --> 01:05:37,208
4388to give you anything,
4389
4390992
439101:05:38,250 --> 01:05:39,083
4392anything.
4393
4394993
439501:05:39,916 --> 01:05:42,625
4396[normal voice] So I've spent 20 years
4397searching for it.
4398
4399994
440001:05:43,500 --> 01:05:44,875
4401Driving myself mad.
4402
4403995
440401:05:46,166 --> 01:05:50,333
4405Spending hours talking to people,
4406finding things, scraps of information.
4407
4408996
440901:05:51,125 --> 01:05:54,625
4410-It ran, it totally ran my life.
4411-But why couldn't you let it go?
4412
4413997
441401:05:54,791 --> 01:05:56,833
4415-Why couldn't you accept it?
4416-I c-- I couldn't.
4417
4418998
441901:05:57,333 --> 01:05:59,083
4420I just could not let it go.
4421
4422999
442301:05:59,666 --> 01:06:01,583
4424Do you understand why
4425I couldn't give it to you?
4426
44271000
442801:06:01,666 --> 01:06:04,208
4429Yeah, I do. I do understand that.
4430
44311001
443201:06:05,208 --> 01:06:07,250
4433So I was silently doing all my stuff,
4434
44351002
443601:06:07,875 --> 01:06:11,708
4437trying to find it, and you were silently
4438trying not to give me anything.
4439
44401003
444101:06:11,791 --> 01:06:14,708
4442-I had no choice, Ali.
4443-And so it went on and on and on.
4444
44451004
444601:06:14,916 --> 01:06:16,250
4447I had no choice.
4448
44491005
445001:06:19,041 --> 01:06:21,125
4451We're 54 years old.
4452
44531006
445401:06:23,250 --> 01:06:26,166
4455Fifty-four years old, for fuck's sake.
4456
44571007
445801:06:26,791 --> 01:06:28,458
4459Having this conversation now.
4460
44611008
446201:06:29,166 --> 01:06:31,083
4463We should have had it when we were 20.
4464
44651009
446601:06:32,041 --> 01:06:34,250
4467What a fucking waste of 30 years.
4468
44691010
447001:06:35,833 --> 01:06:36,708
4471Honestly.
4472
44731011
447401:06:39,541 --> 01:06:40,541
4475But we're here now.
4476
44771012
447801:06:42,708 --> 01:06:43,541
4479Yeah, we are.
4480
44811013
448201:06:54,916 --> 01:06:57,375
4483[inhales, exhales softly]
4484
44851014
448601:07:10,750 --> 01:07:11,583
4487[sighs]
4488
44891015
449001:07:12,166 --> 01:07:13,000
4491I--
4492
44931016
449401:07:14,958 --> 01:07:17,750
4495I don't think I've got the strength
4496to tell you to your face
4497
44981017
449901:07:17,916 --> 01:07:19,250
4500what really happened.
4501
45021018
450301:07:20,125 --> 01:07:23,375
4504But I have had
4505a conversation about it on camera
4506
45071019
450801:07:24,125 --> 01:07:26,458
4509and maybe you should have a look at that.
4510
45111020
451201:07:27,791 --> 01:07:29,916
4513And that will give you everything
4514that you need to know.
4515
45161021
451701:07:33,000 --> 01:07:34,666
4518And you're happy for me to see that?
4519
45201022
452101:07:36,541 --> 01:07:39,166
4522I'm not saying I'm happy. I'm feeling that
4523
45241023
452501:07:39,333 --> 01:07:41,000
4526-I have a necessity.
4527-A necessity.
4528
45291024
453001:07:42,541 --> 01:07:45,666
4531It's a necessity, Alex.
4532We've come to the end of the lie.
4533
45341025
453501:07:46,958 --> 01:07:47,875
4536You look at it.
4537
45381026
453901:07:48,625 --> 01:07:51,125
4540[tearfully] But I just can't do it
4541to your face, Ali.
4542
45431027
454401:07:51,208 --> 01:07:53,083
4545I'm gonna go away and let you watch it.
4546
45471028
454801:07:54,750 --> 01:07:55,750
4549And then we're done.
4550
45511029
455201:07:56,958 --> 01:07:58,500
4553-Okay.
4554-Are you ready to do that?
4555
45561030
455701:08:00,375 --> 01:08:01,208
4558Yes.
4559
45601031
456101:08:07,666 --> 01:08:09,958
4562Well, you're making me
4563very scared now, but...
4564
45651032
456601:08:11,291 --> 01:08:13,750
4567I don't really understand
4568why you need to see it.
4569
45701033
457101:08:14,208 --> 01:08:15,541
4572I still don't get it.
4573
45741034
457501:08:16,625 --> 01:08:19,125
4576So we can be
4577fully connected again, Markie.
4578
45791035
458001:08:20,625 --> 01:08:23,125
4581-I guess so.
4582-I need the lie to stop.
4583
45841036
458501:08:25,708 --> 01:08:27,416
4586And I need my life to be real.
4587
45881037
458901:08:30,000 --> 01:08:33,083
4590My life is not real.
4591My life is the one you gave me, Markie.
4592
45931038
459401:08:33,291 --> 01:08:35,083
4595My life is what you wanted it to be.
4596
45971039
459801:08:36,041 --> 01:08:37,875
4599My life has been dictated by you.
4600
46011040
460201:08:38,958 --> 01:08:41,166
4603I need something. I need to own this.
4604
46051041
460601:08:43,250 --> 01:08:45,541
4607-Okay. All right.
4608-Okay?
4609
46101042
461101:08:47,291 --> 01:08:48,416
4612[sighs]
4613
46141043
461501:08:56,375 --> 01:08:57,791
4616[gulps]
4617
46181044
461901:09:25,791 --> 01:09:27,125
4620[exhales]
4621
46221045
462301:09:28,625 --> 01:09:29,583
4624[click]
4625
46261046
462701:09:47,708 --> 01:09:48,541
4628[sighs]
4629
46301047
463101:09:49,333 --> 01:09:51,333
4632[breathes deeply]
4633
46341048
463501:10:03,208 --> 01:10:04,875
4636I've never told a living soul...
4637
46381049
463901:10:06,166 --> 01:10:07,458
4640about what happened.
4641
46421050
464301:10:10,791 --> 01:10:12,541
4644I barely told myself what happened.
4645
46461051
464701:10:14,333 --> 01:10:16,625
4648So you're asking me to give you something
4649
46501052
465101:10:18,375 --> 01:10:20,583
4652that I've never given
4653to anybody in my life.
4654
46551053
465601:10:24,958 --> 01:10:27,166
4657[breathes deeply]
4658
46591054
466001:10:32,333 --> 01:10:33,166
4661[sniffs]
4662
46631055
466401:10:33,458 --> 01:10:34,291
4665[gulps]
4666
46671056
466801:10:49,750 --> 01:10:50,583
4669Okay.
4670
46711057
467201:10:50,875 --> 01:10:51,958
4673[clink]
4674
46751058
467601:10:52,041 --> 01:10:55,250
4677[breathes deeply]
4678Just as a "fuck you" to her. Let's do it.
4679
46801059
468101:11:02,250 --> 01:11:06,375
4682My mother would take us into her room...
4683
46841060
468501:11:07,541 --> 01:11:09,250
4686she would take us into her bed.
4687
46881061
468901:11:11,541 --> 01:11:13,375
4690She would make us touch each other.
4691
46921062
469301:11:13,458 --> 01:11:16,208
4694She would make us play with each other.
4695
46961063
469701:11:17,375 --> 01:11:21,750
4698She would touch us.
4699She would masturbate us.
4700
47011064
470201:11:23,500 --> 01:11:27,583
4703She would do things that no mother
4704should ever do to their child.
4705
47061065
470701:11:30,000 --> 01:11:31,291
4708And then she moved on.
4709
47101066
471101:11:31,916 --> 01:11:34,958
4712Not only did she want to do those things
4713for her own gratification,
4714
47151067
471601:11:35,916 --> 01:11:38,041
4717she then passed us around to her friends.
4718
47191068
472001:11:39,333 --> 01:11:42,291
4721So she would drive us to friends' houses,
4722
47231069
472401:11:42,958 --> 01:11:46,708
4725have dinner and a glass of wine,
4726and then leave us there.
4727
47281070
472901:11:48,708 --> 01:11:50,875
4730Never together, always on our own.
4731
47321071
473301:11:52,000 --> 01:11:55,916
4734And then some strange man
4735that I'd never met and I never knew
4736
47371072
473801:11:56,416 --> 01:11:59,958
4739would take me into his bed
4740and touch me
4741
47421073
474301:12:00,875 --> 01:12:04,041
4744and rape me and violate me.
4745
47461074
474701:12:05,916 --> 01:12:07,500
4748For his gratification.
4749
47501075
475101:12:09,000 --> 01:12:11,916
4752And then, in the morning,
4753my mother would come and pick me up
4754
47551076
475601:12:12,458 --> 01:12:13,500
4757and drive me home.
4758
47591077
476001:12:14,875 --> 01:12:17,291
4761Never speaking, never talking.
4762
47631078
476401:12:17,791 --> 01:12:21,916
4765What did I do in the car?
4766I was silent and I was quiet.
4767
47681079
476901:12:23,875 --> 01:12:26,375
4770Always silent, always quiet.
4771
47721080
477301:12:27,333 --> 01:12:29,708
4774And then it would happen again and again.
4775
47761081
477701:12:31,375 --> 01:12:33,083
4778And then she would take Alex away.
4779
47801082
478101:12:33,958 --> 01:12:35,416
4782I would be lying in my bed...
4783
47841083
478501:12:35,500 --> 01:12:37,875
4786-[sobbing]
4787-...in my room.
4788
47891084
479001:12:38,625 --> 01:12:40,625
4791Alex wouldn't be there, he's my twin.
4792
47931085
479401:12:41,125 --> 01:12:42,958
4795He would be staying with a friend.
4796
47971086
479801:12:44,208 --> 01:12:47,166
4799And this was something
4800that was a normality in our life.
4801
48021087
480301:12:47,375 --> 01:12:49,041
4804This was something we grew up with.
4805
48061088
480701:12:49,875 --> 01:12:51,208
4808And we accept it.
4809
48101089
481101:12:52,500 --> 01:12:53,708
4812Children accept it.
4813
48141090
481501:12:54,208 --> 01:12:57,791
4816Children will accept anything
4817because they love their parents.
4818
48191091
482001:12:58,583 --> 01:13:03,916
4821And they think that what their parents
4822 is doing is part of growing up.
4823
48241092
482501:13:06,000 --> 01:13:07,416
4826We don't have the capacity
4827
48281093
482901:13:08,500 --> 01:13:09,708
4830to feel that we...
4831
48321094
483301:13:10,541 --> 01:13:11,875
4834[tearfully] know it's wrong.
4835
48361095
483701:13:12,375 --> 01:13:13,208
4838And...
4839
48401096
484101:13:14,625 --> 01:13:15,458
4842[gulps]
4843
48441097
484501:13:16,000 --> 01:13:18,416
4846[normal voice] even now,
4847all these years later,
4848
48491098
485001:13:19,458 --> 01:13:20,791
4851I think to myself,
4852
48531099
485401:13:21,666 --> 01:13:23,041
4855"Fuck you, Mother.
4856
48571100
485801:13:23,166 --> 01:13:27,833
4859How fucking dare you think
4860that you can do that to me?"
4861
48621101
486301:13:30,041 --> 01:13:33,791
4864But she's gone. She's died.
4865She's got away with it.
4866
48671102
486801:13:35,125 --> 01:13:36,666
4869And I can't say that to her.
4870
48711103
487201:13:38,000 --> 01:13:39,375
4873And I regret that.
4874
48751104
487601:13:40,125 --> 01:13:41,583
4877I bitterly regret that.
4878
48791105
488001:13:44,125 --> 01:13:44,958
4881[gulps]
4882
48831106
488401:13:45,500 --> 01:13:48,125
4885But now... I'm speaking out.
4886
48871107
488801:13:49,125 --> 01:13:50,333
4889Now I'm telling you.
4890
48911108
489201:13:50,958 --> 01:13:53,625
4893I've never met you all.
4894I don't know who you are.
4895
48961109
489701:13:54,208 --> 01:13:58,333
4898[tearfully] But you know who my mother is.
4899And you know what she's done is wrong.
4900
49011110
490201:14:01,000 --> 01:14:03,625
4903[exasperated sigh]
4904And that's very powerful.
4905
49061111
490701:14:04,458 --> 01:14:05,416
4908And I need that.
4909
49101112
491101:14:07,541 --> 01:14:08,625
4912We all need that.
4913
49141113
491501:14:12,000 --> 01:14:12,833
4916[exhales]
4917
49181114
491901:14:13,416 --> 01:14:14,250
4920[sniffles]
4921
49221115
492301:14:30,958 --> 01:14:31,875
4924[sighs]
4925
49261116
492701:14:47,833 --> 01:14:49,833
4928[breathes deeply]
4929
49301117
493101:14:54,750 --> 01:14:58,291
4932[leaves rustling]
4933
49341118
493501:15:11,083 --> 01:15:13,083
4936[car engine starts]
4937
49381119
493901:15:16,875 --> 01:15:18,875
4940[tires moving over gravel]
4941
49421120
494301:15:28,875 --> 01:15:30,791
4944[car engine fading away]
4945
49461121
494701:15:35,041 --> 01:15:37,041
4948[silence]
4949
49501122
495101:15:44,666 --> 01:15:46,041
4952[chair dragging]
4953
49541123
495501:15:46,125 --> 01:15:47,125
4956[Marcus exhales]
4957
49581124
495901:16:00,833 --> 01:16:01,875
4960I knew some of that.
4961
49621125
496301:16:02,833 --> 01:16:05,375
4964I guessed some of that.
4965I thought about some of that.
4966
49671126
496801:16:07,125 --> 01:16:08,791
4969I just didn't know the magnitude of it.
4970
49711127
497201:16:12,750 --> 01:16:14,250
4973I didn't know it was as big as that.
4974
49751128
497601:16:14,333 --> 01:16:16,333
4977[eerie music playing]
4978
49791129
498001:16:23,500 --> 01:16:24,333
4981[exhales]
4982
49831130
498401:16:30,000 --> 01:16:32,000
4985[rain pattering]
4986
49871131
498801:16:41,041 --> 01:16:44,250
4989[Alex] How d-- how did we get out
4990of that house in one piece?
4991
49921132
499301:16:48,333 --> 01:16:49,833
4994Do you want to hear about all that?
4995
49961133
499701:16:50,958 --> 01:16:53,166
4998We're here now.
4999We're never gonna do this again.
5000
50011134
500201:16:55,083 --> 01:16:56,416
5003[grunts]
5004
50051135
500601:16:57,833 --> 01:16:59,875
5007So, the last time that I was...
5008
50091136
501001:17:01,541 --> 01:17:04,125
5011passed about, for want of a better word...
5012
50131137
501401:17:06,083 --> 01:17:08,750
5015I was driven to London by Mommy.
5016
50171138
501801:17:11,333 --> 01:17:14,500
5019She had dinner with this guy, an artist.
5020
50211139
502201:17:16,125 --> 01:17:17,916
5023Supposedly quite a famous artist.
5024
50251140
502601:17:18,583 --> 01:17:19,625
5027We had dinner.
5028
50291141
503001:17:20,000 --> 01:17:21,000
5031She left.
5032
50331142
503401:17:22,916 --> 01:17:24,458
5035And I stayed in the house.
5036
50371143
503801:17:25,750 --> 01:17:30,208
5039And then he came into my-- into this room,
5040which was surrounded by paintings
5041
50421144
504301:17:30,583 --> 01:17:31,875
5044and it had a four-poster bed,
5045
50461145
504701:17:31,958 --> 01:17:34,291
5048and he got into into the bed
5049with me and started touching me.
5050
50511146
505201:17:37,083 --> 01:17:39,916
5053[clicks tongue]
5054And I was 14 years old.
5055
50561147
505701:17:41,541 --> 01:17:45,250
5058And once he got down to my genitals...
5059
50601148
506101:17:46,791 --> 01:17:49,000
5062I sat up in bed and I said, "No.
5063
50641149
506501:17:50,833 --> 01:17:53,125
5066I don't want this. I don't like this."
5067
50681150
506901:17:53,833 --> 01:17:55,000
5070And I pushed him away,
5071
50721151
507301:17:55,541 --> 01:17:58,791
5074and he got very aggressive.
5075And I managed to get out of his house.
5076
50771152
507801:18:01,125 --> 01:18:03,708
5079-And I got home.
5080-How did you get home?
5081
50821153
508301:18:05,625 --> 01:18:06,875
5084How's that even possible?
5085
50861154
508701:18:07,666 --> 01:18:10,541
5088I walked down to the tube.
5089
50901155
509101:18:12,083 --> 01:18:15,708
5092I jumped on a tube with no money,
5093but you could do in those days.
5094
50951156
509601:18:16,291 --> 01:18:18,041
5097I got onto the train with no money.
5098
50991157
510001:18:19,583 --> 01:18:20,708
5101And I walked home.
5102
51031158
510401:18:29,833 --> 01:18:32,458
5105And I came in, I knocked on the window,
5106and you let me in.
5107
51081159
510901:18:33,666 --> 01:18:36,708
5110I got into my bed and I went to sleep.
5111
51121160
511301:18:40,250 --> 01:18:43,250
5114-And the next day we carried on--
5115-What the hell did Mommy say to that then?
5116
51171161
511801:18:43,333 --> 01:18:45,458
5119How-- She didn't even know
5120you were in the house?
5121
51221162
512301:18:46,458 --> 01:18:49,375
5124Nothing. I came up in the morning.
5125We had breakfast.
5126
51271163
512801:18:49,833 --> 01:18:51,875
5129She looked very surprised
5130that I was there.
5131
51321164
513301:18:53,625 --> 01:18:56,833
5134And I looked at her. And she looked at me.
5135
51361165
513701:18:58,458 --> 01:18:59,875
5138And it never happened again.
5139
51401166
514101:19:01,875 --> 01:19:04,625
5142-And that was the end of it, Ali.
5143-Without saying anything?
5144
51451167
514601:19:04,833 --> 01:19:06,583
5147[tearfully] Without saying anything.
5148
51491168
515001:19:08,541 --> 01:19:09,625
5151[mutters] Fuck.
5152
51531169
515401:19:13,291 --> 01:19:15,166
5155And she never did it to you again.
5156
51571170
515801:19:16,000 --> 01:19:19,083
5159You never left.
5160You never were out of the house again.
5161
51621171
516301:19:20,083 --> 01:19:21,291
5164And it was finished.
5165
51661172
516701:19:22,958 --> 01:19:23,791
5168[gulps]
5169
51701173
517101:19:24,833 --> 01:19:26,083
5172That's how it stopped.
5173
51741174
517501:19:27,375 --> 01:19:28,208
5176[sighs]
5177
51781175
517901:19:47,333 --> 01:19:49,333
5180[breathes deeply]
5181
51821176
518301:19:51,291 --> 01:19:52,625
5184Now you've got everything.
5185
51861177
518701:19:54,208 --> 01:19:55,583
5188You've got everything, Ali.
5189
51901178
519101:19:58,250 --> 01:19:59,333
5192That's what I needed.
5193
51941179
519501:20:01,083 --> 01:20:02,166
5196That's what I needed.
5197
51981180
519901:20:03,625 --> 01:20:04,458
5200Yeah.
5201
52021181
520301:20:05,000 --> 01:20:07,000
5204No more lies! No more lies.
5205
52061182
520701:20:07,958 --> 01:20:10,208
5208No more silence. No more secrets.
5209
52101183
521101:20:14,666 --> 01:20:17,958
5212And I have you back... with me.
5213
52141184
521501:20:22,625 --> 01:20:23,458
5216[exhales]
5217
52181185
521901:20:25,416 --> 01:20:27,416
5220[both crying]
5221
52221186
522301:20:35,625 --> 01:20:36,541
5224[groans]
5225
52261187
522701:20:37,916 --> 01:20:38,791
5228[sobs]
5229
52301188
523101:20:45,416 --> 01:20:47,416
5232[birds chirping]
5233
52341189
523501:21:04,541 --> 01:21:07,541
5236[Alex] There is no way for me to repay him
5237for what he's done.
5238
52391190
524001:21:12,750 --> 01:21:14,750
5241And there is no words I can say to him.
5242
52431191
524401:21:18,875 --> 01:21:19,791
5245But he knows.
5246
52471192
524801:21:21,041 --> 01:21:22,041
5249And that's enough.
5250
52511193
525201:21:29,625 --> 01:21:30,583
5253It's over.
5254
52551194
525601:21:32,083 --> 01:21:33,041
5257Finally.
5258
52591195
526001:21:36,833 --> 01:21:37,833
5261And we move on.
5262
52631196
526401:21:54,041 --> 01:21:56,041
5265[soft piano music playing]