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1The Biggest Problem in the Universe - Episode 29
2
3Transcription courtesy of: Megan Pennock
4
5(Theme riff)
6
7Maddox: Welcome to The Biggest Problem in the Universe, I'm Maddox. With me is Dick Masterson.
8
9Dick: Hey! What's up buddy, how's it goin'?
10
11Maddox: Hey Dick, so we had a big week for YOU, didn't we?? (Dick cackles)
12
13Dick: HahahaHAAAAA!
14
15Maddox: Yeah. So not the winner, but uh, the one that got the most votes...was Airline Surcharges.
16
17Dick: Oh!
18
19Maddox: No big deal.
20
21Dick: Really?
22
23Maddox: No big deal. Yeah, so what? No big deal.
24
25Dick: Wait, Airline Surcharges got the most votes? (surprised)
26
27Maddox: Yeah. Airline Surcharges.
28
29Dick: Huh!
30
31Maddox: Yeah. (amused) Why...why "huh"? What do you got there, Dick?
32
33Dick: It reminds me of something.
34
35Maddox: Yeah?
36
37Dick: Yeah, it reminds me of a song that I heard. [plays his "Maddox Lost" song]
38
39Maddox: Okay. (annoyed) (Dick bursts out laughing)
40
41(drums and electric guitar)
42
43Dick (singing): Maddox LOST! Maddox LOST! Maddox LOST! Maddox LOST! Maddox LOST! Maddox LOST! 'CAUSE HIS PROBLEMS FUCKIN' SUCK! Maddox LOST! Maddox LOST! Maddox LOST! Maddox LOST! Maddox LOST! Maddox LOST! ...
44
45Maddox: (yelling over song) FUCK you, Dick! I'm so fuckin' tired of this song!! I'm tired of this SHIT!
46
47Dick (singing): ...Diiiiiiiiiiick is the winner!
48
49Maddox: NO RESPECT!
50
51(song plays out with more drums and guitar)
52
53Dick: All the way, you gotta let it go all the way! [song finally ends] The song has to be played all the way every time.
54
55Maddox: No, BULLSHIT. That's bullshit!
56
57Dick: I don't know, man! If you're so tired of that song, you better bring in some better problems!
58
59Maddox: You know, Dick? Uhh...yeah, you uh, you won! You won. That was, uh, that was a real...real good problem. Um, but before we continue, I would just like to play a new segment that I have. (slyly)
60
61Dick: Okay.
62
63Maddox: Yeah! Here's...here's this new segment. 'Cause uh, that's -- that problem you brought in sounded familiar. Here's my segment. [plays intro ]
64
65(dreamlike harp glissandos)
66
67Deep Male Voice: I Liked It Better When...
68
69[intro ends]
70
71Maddox: Yeah! "I Liked It Better When...". So, on my YouTube show I have a segment called "I Liked It Better When..." and it's essentially a segment that I bring in that...when I hear something that sounds familiar, I say "Well, I liked it better when so-and-so said it first." Here is something I said in our first bonus episode; let's see if this, uh, if you recall this. [plays clip from Bonus Episode 1]
72
73Maddox: Airlines, buddy.
74
75Dick: Airlines?
76
77Maddox: Now you can pay a premium to check in first - 15 dollars. Check luggage, 25 dollars. You can pay a premium for extra leg room. 50 dollars. You can pay a premium for EXTRA extra leg room. 75 dollars! You can pay a premium for first class. 1000 dollars. And it never fucking ends! And guess what? Peanuts are a premium, WATER is a premium! That's the industry you've created, Dick! (yelling) That's the industry this BULLSHIT-ass solution has created! It's a PROBLEM, and I'm calling you on it!!
78
79[clip ends]
80
81Maddox: Yeah, I called you on it, Dick! (yelling angrily) And then here's what you brought in last episode! Listen to this.
82
83Dick: Uh-huh. Go ahead.
84
85[Maddox plays clip from Episode 28]
86
87Dick: Look, my point is...pay for bags? Now you're gonna be payin' for seats, you're gonna be paying for cabin pressure, you're gonna be paying for every little oxygen molecule that you get to breathe...
88
89[clip ends]
90
91Dick: Right.
92
93Maddox: Yeah! So I'm sorry, Dick, I'm going to have to call shenanigans! *I* am the winner from the last episode! That was MY problem, baby!! (gloating loudly) WOOOO! ('ding!' sound effect) Winner! (clapping sound effect) I'm the best.
94
95Dick: Yeah...you're just...you're like that guy who carries the ball to the 99th yard line and then just fumbles it right out of bounds.
96
97Maddox: Yeah. Is that what it is?
98
99Dick: You shoulda just brought it in, then!
100
101Maddox: Dick, I DID -
102
103Dick: (interjects) I mean, instead of...instead of SNAKES. (stammers) Was that a problem? How did Snakes do last week? (teasing)
104
105Maddox: Snakes? Yeah, speakin' of snakes, Dick -- the person who snaked my problem from me -- you know, Snakes...yeah! Snakes got dead last, 'cause everyone's an IDIOT. But YOU'RE the biggest snake, Dick! (growling) [plays sound clip from Metal Gear Solid]
106
107(dramatic synthesizer string music)
108
109Colonel Campbell: Snaaaake? SNAAAAAAKE!
110
111[sound clip ends]
112
113Maddox: (laughs) From Metal Gear Solid! You remember?
114
115Dick: No! I don't -- what is that?
116
117Maddox: What a fuckin' NON-nerd! (Dick laughs loudly) What an asshole. Yeah, Snakes! I can't believe you guys voted down Snakes! (angrily) You don't think snakes are a problem?! I hope you all get bit by snakes, right in the throat. You MORONS.
118
119Dick: Somebody also brought up that snakes eat rodents.
120
121Maddox: Yeah, so what??
122
123Dick: You remember rodents? They cause...what was that? Oh yeah, the BLACK PLAGUE.
124
125Maddox: Great. So do cats!
126
127Dick: So...
128
129Maddox: Cats eat rodents too, buddy.
130
131Dick: No, cats...are you gonna be bringing in cats this episode?
132
133Maddox: Well, hehehey, spoiler! (chuckling) Spoilers, let's not get ahead of ourselves. Yeah, I can't believe you guys voted down Snakes. And then, after that was Not Enough Black Friday Violence. That was actually a good one.
134
135Dick: Yeah! And there wasn't enough this year, either. (Maddox smirks) I was watchin' that site, Black Friday Violence Counter, whatever it was? [ http://blackfridaydeathcount.com/]
136
137Maddox: Yeah.
138
139Dick: And there wasn't a lot of violence this year either. I guess it's, uh, I guess it's over.
140
141Maddox: You know -
142
143Dick: We're tired of Black Friday.
144
145Maddox: You know, Dick? Uh, congratulations for snaking that problem from me that was absolutely, BLATANTLY theft!
146
147Dick: Hm?
148
149Maddox: I'm going to -- you know, let the records reflect that that was my problem I brought in during your solution! Because YOU said -
150
151Dick: (over Maddox) Yeah, but you didn't...
152
153Maddox: - surcharges were a solution, buddy, and they're NOT!
154
155Dick: You didn't do...first of all, no. (Maddox laughs) And you didn't do all the research that I did. You didn't do all that investigative journalism that I did. (wryly)
156
157Maddox: Yeah... (laughing)
158
159Dick: Digging for, like, laws that were -- like, the Department of Transportation laws that were passed, and the House laws, and whatever other stuff that I did?
160
161Maddox: (buzzer sound effect) Yeah, Dick! That was IMPROMPTU! I did that off the top of my...off the top of my head! That was shootin' from the hip! (Dick laughs)
162
163Dick: Well, Maddox, put a little more research into it next time. (taunting)
164
165Maddox: (screaming over Dick) IT WASN'T A PROBLEM!!
166
167Dick: And then you, too, can be a winner. (laughs)
168
169Maddox: THAT WAS DURING YOUR SOLUTION! I was trying to shoot down your BULLSHIT-ass solution! (Dick keeps laughing) I called you on it, buddy! (snapping) Listen, I got a comment. From CJ Canton.
170
171Dick: Okay.
172
173Maddox: He says, "Dick did really well this episode, great problems, well thought-out, good use of argument and reason, and yes very funny. Except for that part about being against holidays for workers..." (Dick laughs) "...what a fucking limp-dick, gutless, spineless, brainless, low-life piece of filthy worker-hating gangrenous pond scum."
174
175Dick: Mmm.
176
177Maddox: [comment continues] "Go fuck yourself Dick, workers deserve time off. By the way - " (Dick laughs harder) " - [at] 34:02: 'A little Dick tip for ya.' - Dick Masterson. Ya, bet it's not just the tip but the whole thing that's tiny Dick. Go masturbate with sweatshop tears and the blood of the children that work in them." Yeah, Dick!
178
179Dick: I guess I, uh, I raised alotta ire with my stance on private organizations being able to arrange contracts between private individuals.
180
181Maddox: What...
182
183Dick: (interjects) I guess that's SHOCKING in today's climate. (chuckling derisively)
184
185Maddox: Yeah. You bet your ass it is, Dick. 'Cause here's the thing: you kind of made it sound -- you had such a smug stance about it, too. (Dick laughs) You said...you said, "Oh, well, why don't you just get a better job?" Well, I got a comment from Ashleigh Morris, a listener. She says, "I just hate when people automatically look down on people who work retail and say, 'Well, if you don't like it, then better yourself!' Okay! Well, the only reason I'm working retail again is because I have given up my entire life to take care of my dying sister who is dying from cancer. So not everyone really has a fuckin' choice to work retail. You know, Dick? That really makes my blood boil."
186
187Dick: Hey, I said "sorry"! (Maddox laughs loudly) What do you...what do you want me to do?
188
189Maddox: NON-APOLOGY, I'm callin' you on it! (shouting) (buzzer sound effect)
190
191Dick: If I could...if I could cure cancer, I would! (Maddox scoffs) For free!
192
193Maddox: Oh, great, Dick. (chuckling) What a humanitarian.
194
195Dick: I would just spend all day putting -- laying my hands on people who were vexed by the curse of cancer and wiping it away from them, but I can't!
196
197Maddox: Yeah. And then they -
198
199Dick: (interjects) I can shop on Black Friday! And help you pay for whatever you gotta pay for.
200
201Maddox: Yeah.
202
203Dick: That's what I can do.
204
205Maddox: While you smugly look down on the retail workers. "Oh, why don't you just get a better job?" (stupid voice) You can't always get a better job. 'Cause sometimes you're there, you have to move on a WHIM, you move to a shitty city, you get in some financial downtrodden position, you have to work a shitty retail job, and you deserve a little bit of time off, which you CAN'T get.
206
207Dick: Yeah. It's easy for you to say. It doesn't cost you anything to say that. (Maddox smirks) I would like to remind you of that. (smiling)
208
209Maddox: And what does it cost you to say what you just said, Dick? (about to laugh)
210
211Dick: Hey, I'm just -- just because I, uh...just because I'm describing what REALITY is, people get all bent outta shape!
212
213Maddox: Yeah. Great.
214
215Dick: Like, sorry! Life dealt you a bunch of lemons, now you gotta suck 'em.
216
217Maddox: Yeah.
218
219Dick: (stammers) I'm SORRY.
220
221Maddox: Thanks, Dick. That...
222
223Dick: Okay?
224
225Maddox: ...I'm sure that comforts a lot of people who had to work Black Friday.
226
227Dick: I'm not TRYING to!
228
229Maddox: Yeah. (amused)
230
231Dick: I got one, uh...I got a comment from a guy, David Arbec, who -- he's got this huge comment about what an asshole I am. (Maddox chuckles) But then he says, "Stores like Walmart and customers are the reason I went on a hate-filled quest for better education. Not everyone may have that chance though." So I guess he kind of agrees with, uh...whoever.
232
233Maddox: "Hate-filled"?? What's he, what's that...what's that in reference to?
234
235Dick: Well, he hated Walmart and he hated the hours and the working conditions so much that he went on a hate-filled quest for an education.
236
237Maddox: Ohhhh, I see. Yeah yeah yeah.
238
239Dick: Yeah!
240
241Maddox: Uh, you know. That's, uh, that's the...that's the beautiful story; that's the ideal scenario, is you hate your job and you go better yourself. (mocking) But, you know, not everyone can. Some people -
242
243Dick: (over Maddox) Yeah, but...
244
245Maddox: - have mental disorders, some people have physical disabilities, some people have medical bills that they didn't foresee!
246
247Dick: Like all the fuckin' people working Black Friday had all these INSANE conditions?? No! Mostly, people are stuck in positions they hate 'cause they watch Netflix every night. (derisively)
248
249Maddox: Yeah.
250
251Dick: That's what they're doing.
252
253Maddox: Well...
254
255Dick: (interjects) That's the NORM.
256
257Maddox: Yeah.
258
259Dick: Okay? If all the people who COULD get a better position in life DID, then all the people who were left over would get more money. 'Cause there wouldn't be as many of them.
260
261Maddox: Yeah, that's the One-Percenter narrative, buddy! (sneering)
262
263Dick: It's not MY fuckin' fault!
264
265Maddox: Yeah, it's...that's the One-Percenter narrative! (Dick scoffs) You say, "Oh, you wanna work hard...if you work hard, you can get -- you can become a millionaire, you can become a billionaire!" But you can't; there isn't enough money to go around, buddy.
266
267Dick: Look -
268
269Maddox: (interjects) Some -- the people at the top are stayin' at the top, and they're hoarding all the money.
270
271Dick: I'm not here to teach you about Reaganomics. (Maddox laughs heartily) Alright?
272
273Maddox: Great, Dick. (sarcastic)
274
275Dick: I got a...I got some voicemails for ya.
276
277Maddox: Let's hear it.
278
279Dick: Yeah. Here's one about your, uh -- here's one about your...your great, uh, Snakes problem from last time.
280
281Maddox: Yeah. (amused)
282
283[Dick plays first voicemail message]
284
285Voicemail: Maddox. I emailed you EIGHT years ago asking you to write about snakes, and your reply was, quote, "...And? What the hell am I supposed to say about snakes?" (Maddox and Dick laugh over voicemail) "Who gives a shit about them?" End quote.
286
287Dick: "Who gives a shit?" (grinning)
288
289Voicemail: And now they're the biggest problem in the universe? Fuck you, Maddox. (Maddox and Dick burst out laughing) Fuck. You.
290
291[message ends]
292
293Maddox: Wow, twice?!
294
295Dick: Yeah!
296
297Maddox: Fuck YOU!! You don't tell me "fuck you" twice!
298
299Dick: Well!
300
301Maddox: I tell YOU "fuck you" twice! Listen man, I remember, I think I -- I think he may have been the impetus for this article I wrote. I think it was called "I am a genius, you are not." [ http://www.thebestpageintheuniverse.net/c.cgi?u=your_stupid_ideas]
302
303Dick: Yeah!
304
305Maddox: And I talked about all the shitty suggestions I get from people...that people send in for me to write on. And I talked about all the different topics people asked me to write about: orange juice, and snakes, and all this HORSESHIT that aren't problems or whatever! Uh, except for snakes, rather. (smirking) But I, I asked...I specifically asked him -
306
307Dick: (interjects) (cackles loudly) HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAH!
308
309Maddox: Shut up!
310
311Dick: You fucked up! Okay, you specifically said what? (grinning)
312
313Maddox: [plays Metal Gear Solid sound clip] (laughs)
314
315(dramatic synthesizer string music)
316
317Colonel Campbell: Snaaaake? SNAAAAAAKE!
318
319[clip ends]
320
321Dick: I don't get that! Is that a...that's a video game?
322
323Maddox: It's when Solid Snake dies at the end of Metal Gear Solid, and he's trying to get the transponder from his colonel and he's tryin' to get through.
324
325Dick: Ohh, GOD. Alright.
326
327Maddox: Yeah, it's pretty cool.
328
329Dick: Cool. (jeering) (laughs)
330
331Maddox: It is cool. (smiling) (Dick cackles) Yeah! So I talked about this article, and people were quoting me left and right. And it was also the same article about how people wanted me to talk about "African Americans" -- the phrase "African Americans" -- I was like, "Guys, first of all, you don't understand what it takes to write articles! You don't understand my GENIUS. Okay? If I'm gonna write about snakes..." First of all, snakes are the most boring pet! The most interesting thing they do is eat! But you know what? You know what's more interesting than watching a snake eat? HAVE SEX. That's way more interesting.
332
333Dick: What?? (chuckling)
334
335Maddox: Yeah! That's what I -
336
337Dick: (interjects) You've seen a snake have sex?
338
339Maddox: Nooo, *I* have sex!
340
341Dick: Oh!
342
343Maddox: Instead of watching...having sex.
344
345Dick: Oh, having sex is more interesting than reading about snakes, you're saying.
346
347Maddox: No, *watching* a snake eat.
348
349Dick: Watching snakes.
350
351Maddox: I would rather have sex.
352
353Dick: What is that...what would you...*not* rather have sex, then?
354
355Maddox: Dark -
356
357Dick: (interjects) I can't imagine anything that I would rather do than have sex.
358
359Maddox: I dunno, Dark Souls 2 maybe. We'll see. (wryly) (Dick laughs) Look man, sex is cool, but you know...like, there are other things.
360
361Dick: Here's another guy who doesn't like me. [plays second voicemail message]
362
363Voicemail: Hey, I don't usually call in to these things, but Dick, YOU are a fucking dickless piece of worthless, gangrenous, pond-green...
364
365Dick: That must be the same guy!
366
367Maddox: That's the same guy!!
368
369Dick: Yeah.
370
371Voicemail: ...SCUM for being against... [Dick stops voicemail abruptly]
372
373Dick: Get a thesaurus, dude.
374
375Maddox: NO! Let's... (cracks up)
376
377Dick: Oh, you wanna hear the whole thing?
378
379Maddox: Yeah, let's hear! (through giggles) [Dick resumes voicemail]
380
381Voicemail: ...workers not being able to take holidays off. How can you be against that, man? How you can you be against that?
382
383Maddox: Yeah, how dare you!
384
385Voicemail: People have DIED in this country -
386
387Maddox: Yeah, they've DIED.
388
389Voicemail: - for the right to have 8-hour workdays, the right to be able to -
390
391Maddox: 8 hours!
392
393Dick: Really?
394
395Voicemail: - go home and be with their families.
396
397Maddox: Yeah! (chuckles)
398
399Dick: I don't think so.
400
401Voicemail: Most other countries have -
402
403Maddox: DIED.
404
405Voicemail: - MULTIPLE holidays off.
406
407Maddox: Multiple! (laughs)
408
409Voicemail: Most other countries...
410
411Dick: So move there!
412
413Maddox: Yeah.
414
415Voicemail: ...most other countries in the world have EASTER off.
416
417Maddox: Easter!
418
419Voicemail: Most other Christian countries -
420
421Maddox: CHRISTIAN! (laughs)
422
423Voicemail: - including -- and some NON-Christian countries, like India! The Indian Embassy in the U.S. -
424
425Maddox: The INDIAN EMBASSY!! In the U.S.!
426
427Voicemail: - gets off for Easter.
428
429Maddox: For Easter!!
430
431Voicemail: But American workers don't.
432
433Maddox: Yeah!
434
435Dick: Uh-huh. (dryly)
436
437Voicemail: American workers work harder and longer than ANY workers in the entire Western industrialized world -
438
439Maddox: Preach.
440
441Dick: U.S.A.!
442
443Voicemail: - and YOU wanna take away the FEW days they have to go and enjoy time with their families -
444
445Dick: Uh-huh. (quietly; amused)
446
447Voicemail: - and not fucking SLAVE their lives away -
448
449Maddox: ('ding!' sound effect) Yep!
450
451Voicemail: - makin' rich people money who don't need it.
452
453Dick: "Makin' rich people money." (heavily mocking)
454
455Voicemail: FUCK you, Dick. You're a fuckin' piece of shit, you worthless FUCKIN' asshole.
456
457Maddox: Yeah!
458
459Voicemail: FUCK you. (scathingly)
460
461[message ends]
462
463Maddox: Fuck you! (Dick laughs)
464
465Dick: Yeah...
466
467Maddox: What a hero! That guy's a...that guy's for the WORKERS, man! That guy's the people's fan! (laughs)
468
469Dick: Is there... (sighs) Is there some reason you just can't eat dinner with your family, like, the next time you have a day off? Am I cra-...I didn't have Thanksgiving with *my* family.
470
471Maddox: Dick -
472
473Dick: (interjects) I had it with a buncha assholes that I hate. (suggestively) (laughs)
474
475Maddox: Dick, if you...I...yeah! Yeah. Which was ME, actually.
476
477Dick: Yeah, which was you. (grinning) (laughs)
478
479Maddox: Thanks...thanks, Dick. I really appreciate it. (sarcastic) You know, Dick, if you even checked our own fucking website, I link to all sorts of stats and studies and interesting news articles, and one of them I linked to was on...I think it was like, ThinkProgress or some bullshit website.
480
481Dick: Mhm.
482
483Maddox: But it talked about this problem of employers threatening to fire their employees if they didn't work these shifts.
484
485Dick: Mm.
486
487Maddox: And they posted pictures from signs they post up in break rooms that say, "Hey, you can't request ANY time off between the days of November 15th through January 4th." That's over a month and a half! Some people have to work every day in those shifts! They don't get ANY time off. And no, sometimes you work the night shift or graveyard shift; those are times when your family's asleep. You don't get a few hours off to have with your family, you never do! In fact, when I worked at the old telemarketing company, when I was a programmer, I worked the graveyard shift and I was asleep during the day, so I never got to see my family.
488
489Dick: What is this, Oliver Twist?! Is it...people are getting off of work and then slaving over coals to be with their families, and then passing out on their wooden benches and waking up and getting dragged to work? (cynical tone) Is that what we're to believe? Maybe for one day a year.
490
491Maddox: Yeah, Dick. (wearily)
492
493Dick: Maybe for Black Friday.
494
495Maddox: Well, eh... (skeptical)
496
497Dick: But that's -- that's just not the reality of the entire year.
498
499Maddox: Yeah. It's just easy. (sarcastic)
500
501Dick: Alright?
502
503Maddox: Just...just get up and move to another state if you, if you -
504
505Dick: (interjects) Nononono!
506
507Maddox: Yeah!
508
509Dick: I'm not saying it's EASY, but uh, you don't have a *right* to a job in this country.
510
511Maddox: Well.
512
513Dick: Did I do that? No! (Maddox laughs) Okay? I didn't make these rules.
514
515Maddox: No, Urkel Masterson, you didn't. (Dick guffaws)
516
517Dick: Yeah!
518
519Maddox: Okay. Uh, do you have any more voicemail? 'Cause I got one.
520
521Dick: Yeah! Sure I do! (smiling)
522
523Maddox: Let's hear it.
524
525Dick: Well, what's yours? Go ahead.
526
527Maddox: No, go ahead. No, I got a big one.
528
529Dick: I think this one's...uh, I think this one's addressed to you. Speaking of big ones.
530
531Maddox: Great. (dryly) [Dick plays third voicemail message]
532
533Voicemail: Hey guys, it's Alex from Toronto.
534
535Dick: Hey, Alex.
536
537Voicemail: I just called in this week, actually, to agree with you!
538
539Maddox: Me.
540
541Voicemail: Uh, I really DO think you suck your dicks a lot on this show.
542
543Maddox: Well...
544
545Dick: That was it.
546
547Voicemail: Well, anyway. (both crack up) Good that we could find some common ground. Go fuck yourself, Dick. (Maddox bursts out laughing)
548
549[message ends]
550
551Dick: Ohh, dammit!! DAMMIT.
552
553Maddox: Yeah, go fuck yourself, Dick. (grinning) I like that guy. And uh, I'm glad that he agrees that we like ourselves a lot. Oh, and speaking of suckin' our own dicks -
554
555Dick: Mhm.
556
557Maddox: - uh, we have the live show coming up, guys! Los Angeles, December 19th! We're gonna post more details. We're gonna have...I don't know how we're gonna do tickets. We're not gonna have a lot of tickets available. We'll probably do it in two shifts.
558
559Dick: Yeah, it's gonna be a shitshow.
560
561Maddox: Yeah. We probably have, at most...uh, 40 people to seat, and in two shifts of 20. So, we'll see. We'll post the details on the website. But uh, yeah.
562
563Dick: You know, we should have some kind of a form. Like we should set up a form on the website to handle it.
564
565Maddox: Yeah. Well, you have to...you have to sign a release and everything, but uh, we'll post more details as that comes. But December 19th is lookin' like the day. We'll do a daytime show and an evening show. We're gonna do a live show. A live taping of this, uh, The Biggest Problem. With guests! So it'll be interesting.
566
567Dick: It'll be fun!
568
569Maddox: Yeah. Yeah, it's gonna be, uh, it's gonna be fun. It's gonna go live. Yep.
570
571Dick: I got another comment for ya. Robert Hiller: "Dick, I took your catcalling advice this weekend to try and hook up with a few sorority chicks I see at a club." You remember my catcalling advice?
572
573Maddox: Yeah. Shit advice.
574
575Dick: [comment continues] "I approached them all at different times, trying different methods with each. None of them remotely showed interest and I got kicked out of the club."
576
577Maddox: HA!! (laughs more)
578
579Dick: "Great advice, numbnuts. You are an amateur and a fool, but most of all...you are chode." (Maddox laughs) Hm. But then this guy Damion Graves -- he's my boy, right?
580
581Maddox: Yeah. (amused)
582
583Dick: He says, "It doesn't work well if your fat or a loser."
584
585Maddox: Did he spell it Y-O-U-R?
586
587Dick: Which is true -- yeah, he did!
588
589Maddox: I bet, I bet... (cracks up)
590
591Dick: Yeah.
592
593Maddox: I bet he did! What a MORON.
594
595Dick: I love -- no no, it's a great burn because...and there's a key word that makes it a great burn; it's "well." "It doesn't work WELL." Still saying that it shoulda worked! Still slamming this kid that the advice shoulda worked.
596
597Maddox: Yeah. (skeptical)
598
599Dick: And the advice was "Hit on as many girls as possible."
600
601Maddox: That's stupid.
602
603Dick: It's simple!
604
605Maddox: No.
606
607Dick: Just go up to each one - "Hey, how's it goin'? Hey, my name is..." What's this guy's name? "Hi, my name's Robert. What's goin' on?"
608
609Maddox: Dick, you're like that moron who joins a Counter-Strike server and just spins around, shootin' everything with a shotgun. And I'm there with a fuckin' sniper, buddy.
610
611Dick: Can you -
612
613Maddox: (interjects) I shoot ONE bullet, ONE kill. Headshot.
614
615Dick: Can you phrase this in an *adult* metaphor? That isn't video games? What do you mean?
616
617Maddox: Yeah. So I'm in Afghanistan, right? (Dick laughs) We're goin' after Osama bin Laden. (yelling) You're in there fuckin' SPRAYIN' the walls with shotgun shells, and I'm sittin' there, ONE shot, one kill, buddy. Right in Osama's fuckin' eyes.
618
619Dick: Yeah.
620
621Maddox: Right between his eyes.
622
623Dick: Uh, I'll definitely take the shotgun... (Maddox cracks up) ...approach.
624
625Maddox: Yeah! Spinning around like a MORON.
626
627Dick: It's easy to just sit there, 'bloum, bloum, bloum, bloum.' (mimicking shotgun blasts)
628
629Maddox: Yeah. (skeptical)
630
631Dick: 'You, you, you? Me, you?'
632
633Maddox: You don't hit anything. (smiling) Spinning around like an idiot, you get all dizzy, "whulllgh..." (imitating wooziness)
634
635Dick: Well, it worked for our buddy Butt Sanchez, didn't it?? (excited)
636
637Maddox: Yeah. (mocking)
638
639Dick: Speaking of Butt Sanchez, whooooo left a voicemail! (grinning) Here ya go. [plays fourth voicemail message]
640
641Voicemail: Hey, Maddox. This is Butt Sanchez. Okay. You keep on givin' me shit for not wearing a condom, but lemme ask you somethin'. How are you supposed to have sex underwater with a condom? You fucking idiot.
642
643[message ends]
644
645Dick: Yeah! How are you supposed to have sex underwater with a condom, you fuckin' idiot? (teasing)
646
647Maddox: You don't...have sex underwater. (Dick laughs hysterically)
648
649Dick: You don't have sex in a hot tub?!?
650
651Maddox: No.
652
653Dick: Get outta here!!
654
655Maddox: No, man! It's...you know, it's nice on paper, but then in practice it's bullshit.
656
657Dick: Having sex in a hot tub. That's what they're MADE for.
658
659Maddox: Yeah, but vaginas dry up, man! Water isn't a good lubricant! (yelling) Surpriiise!
660
661Dick: Ohohoho! THERE'S some advice for ya. "Vaginas dry up." (grinning)
662
663Maddox: Yeah! (Dick giggles more) Water isn't a good lubricant! It just doesn't fuckin' work, man.
664
665Dick: We get the point.
666
667Maddox: I've tried -- look, I've had sex in an ocean, I've had sex in swimming pools, I've had sex in hot tubs, I've had sex in SINKS. Like, it doesn't fuckin' work.
668
669Dick: Sorry. Ocean?!
670
671Maddox: Yeah.
672
673Dick: You had sex in an *ocean*?
674
675Maddox: In the -- yeah. In an ocean.
676
677Dick: In the ocean?
678
679Maddox: Yeah!
680
681Dick: What were you doin'?
682
683Maddox: Havin' sex. (both laugh) Bangin' a chick.
684
685Dick: Was it a sex cruise?
686
687Maddox: No!
688
689Dick: What do you mean, you were...what were you...you were out on the ocean havin' sex?
690
691Maddox: Yeah, I was out in the ocean havin' sex! (slyly)
692
693Dick: I'm not gonna get a story outta you for havin' sex in the ocean?
694
695Maddox: Well, yeah...
696
697Dick: I mean, at least in a pool and in a spa you have something to leverage yourself off of. In the OCEAN seems like you're just humping the air like a dolphin. Do you see why it's weird that you would say "the ocean"? Because you're just floating around like a buoy, stabbing your penis forward into the salt water. (derisively)
698
699Maddox: No, Dick. I don't have to jerk my entire fucking BODY.
700
701Dick: How do you have sex in the ocean, then? (laughing)
702
703Maddox: Well, with my hips, man! I just rock 'em! Look, here's the thing. (Dick laughs more) I was in the water -
704
705Dick: (interjects) I want you to, like...
706
707Maddox: What?! (annoyed)
708
709Dick: ...paint me the picture!
710
711Maddox: Okay!
712
713Dick: HOW do you do it??
714
715Maddox: Okay, so we're at the beach, right? And everyone at the beach is an idiot, so I'm like, "Well, this is boring. I'm gonna go have sex." (Dick scoffs) So I walk out into the ocean -
716
717Dick: (interjects) Okay. (jeering)
718
719Maddox: Yeah! I walk out into the ocean... (Dick cackles) ...and I'm there, about -- you know, the water's covering my shoulder, and I'm there with a pretty lady, and I'm like, "Well! You know, here we are." And uh, she...look, if she straddles me...this is gonna get -- you know, I'm not gonna get too graphic. But if she straddles me, it looks like she's still standing up. So it doesn't...it doesn't have to be this THING that's like, "Oh my -- I'm humpin' over here, like a moron! Like an amateur!"
720
721Dick: Oh, so you're standing in the beach.
722
723Maddox: I'm standing...I'm standing -
724
725Dick: (interjects) You're...you're having sex on the beach.
726
727Maddox: (stammers) I was in the ocean. I was in the water.
728
729Dick: Okay.
730
731Maddox: Yeah.
732
733Dick: Alright.
734
735Maddox: Yeah. So that's how it happened.
736
737Dick: And she's straddling you, so you look like some kind of satyr. Like, with hairy legs... (Maddox laughs) Hairy, manly legs and an upper woman body. Alright, well, Butt Sanchez is right.
738
739Maddox: No.
740
741Dick: You can't have sex in a hot tub with a condom on.
742
743Maddox: Yeah. That's...
744
745Dick: Yeah. (cracks up)
746
747Maddox: Well, you shouldn't have sex in the hot tub. By the way, it dries up with a condom too! With or without a condom, doesn't matter. It's still gonna dry up.
748
749Dick: Yeah, yeah, yeah. (amused)
750
751Maddox: So...anyway, Dick, is that all the voicemail you got? 'Cause I got one.
752
753Dick: Yeah, go ahead!
754
755Maddox: So in our bonus episode this week that was JUST released, we talked about this video (Dick laughs) that -
756
757Dick: (interjects) You have something on me from yesterday?!? (Maddox laughs) Fuck you!
758
759Maddox: So I got a voicemail -- so, remember in the bonus episode I played that video from Angelo Mike, a fan who sent in this video of him interviewing his mom, who was kinda shitting on you. And she was really pissed off, Dick, because you... (Dick cackles mischievously)
760
761Dick: Hahahahahahahaaaaaah!
762
763Maddox: ...you're bein' an asshole!
764
765Dick: Yeah, yeah, that's what I was doin'. (smiling)
766
767Maddox: Yeah! Real smarmy! So I created an entire soundboard -- for those of you who haven't listened to the bonus episode yet, you'll be hearing this sound for the rest of the season probably. Probably the rest of the series. They're great.
768
769Dick: Great. (sarcastic)
770
771Maddox: But I have a voicemail that she sent in, Dick. (cracking up) Here's part of it. [plays voicemail clip]
772
773Angelo's Mom: Yeah, calabunga to YOU. (in a strong Greek accent) (Maddox laughs) Calabunga to YOU!
774
775Dick: Calabunga??
776
777Maddox: Yeah!
778
779Angelo's Mom: If this is Dick Masterson, man, I'm tellin' you, I can't STAND the way you talk about women.
780
781Maddox: Yeah. (Dick laughs hysterically)
782
783Angelo's Mom: You've such a disgusting, filthy mouth. And take your freakin' glasses off!
784
785Maddox: Yeah, Dick! (Dick keeps laughing)
786
787Angelo's Mom: I don't know if you're dating women. What kinda woman will date YOU? You know?
788
789Maddox: Yeah, Dick. (snarky)
790
791Dick: The kinds who call my voicemail.
792
793Angelo's Mom: But I tell you, you're the biggest malaka in the universe!
794
795Maddox: Mmhm.
796
797Dick: Oh, a malaka?
798
799Angelo's Mom: And go search for that word.
800
801[clip ends]
802
803Dick: You're callin' me a MALAKA?!
804
805Maddox: Yeah, she called you a malaka!
806
807Dick: On my own podcast? (shouting)
808
809Maddox: Uh-huh! Yeah!
810
811Dick: I know what a malaka is, lady!
812
813Maddox: Yeah. A malaka, for those who don't know, is a Greek word for "jerkoff."
814
815Dick: Yeah.
816
817Maddox: Huh? A JERKOFF. That's you, buddy.
818
819Dick: Oh boy oh boy. I'll tell you what kinda girls date me, uh, Angelo's mom...the same kinds who call my voicemail.
820
821Maddox: Yeah? Well, here -
822
823Dick: (interjects) Yeah.
824
825Maddox: Here's... (cracks up) Here's -
826
827Dick: (interjects) That's who.
828
829Maddox: Yeah. (about to laugh)
830
831Dick: Yeah!
832
833Maddox: Yeah, great. Great, Dick.
834
835Dick: Just one little step over. First they're pissed off...
836
837Maddox: Uh-huh.
838
839Dick: ...then they wanna bang you. (mischievously)
840
841Maddox: Yeah, you think she's gonna date -- I don't think so! Here's what she says about ME. She actually has something to say about me! (pleased with himself) [ plays another clip from same voicemail]
842
843Angelo's Mom: Maddox, I love you, I love you, I LOVE you. (Maddox laughs tauntingly)
844
845Maddox: Yeah, she loves me!
846
847Angelo's Mom: I love you, Maddox. You my favorite, okay?
848
849Maddox: I'm her FAVORITE. [pauses clip]
850
851Dick: Oh, great. (disdainful) Hmm.
852
853Maddox: Yeah! *I'm* her favorite, Dick! And here's what...here's more, here's what she had -
854
855Dick: (interjects) Hey, why don't you guys go get married? (cynical)
856
857Maddox: Maybe we will! (yelling)
858
859Dick: You know?
860
861Maddox: I love Angelo's mom!! Here's what she says about you, dude. [resumes clip]
862
863Angelo's Mom: But that...that friend of yours who talkin' about women? No...
864
865Maddox: No, mm-mm.
866
867Angelo's Mom: Maddox? He doesn't deserve your friendship.
868
869Maddox: Yeah! (Dick giggles explosively)
870
871Dick: You can say THAT again.
872
873Angelo's Mom: I love you, Maddox.
874
875Angelo: Also, talk about I Am Better Than Your Kids! Remember the book with the drawings from kids?
876
877Dick: What is this, a plug??
878
879Maddox: Yeah. Listen to this. (smiling)
880
881Angelo's Mom: Oh, gosh! I love I Am Better Than Your Kids! I have your books, I look at 'em every day...
882
883Dick: Oh, my GOD.
884
885Maddox: Every day!
886
887Dick: Loves YOU, Maddox. (teasing)
888
889Angelo's Mom: ...almost. You know, now Angelo took it away from me and I don't have 'em. (Maddox chuckles) But when I have 'em -
890
891Maddox: Angelo! (scolding)
892
893Angelo's Mom: - uh, I look at 'em every day, and I -- you make me SO happy! (Dick laughs hysterically)
894
895Maddox: Huh? (gloating)
896
897Angelo's Mom: You make me so happy, Maddox.
898
899Angelo: Wait, I have -- I don't have the book!
900
901Angelo's Mom: Yeah, you did. You took it away from me.
902
903Angelo: What?
904
905Angelo's Mom: Yeah you did! Anyway... (Maddox laughs loudly) I just love you, Maddox, and...
906
907Dick: Jesus CHRIST.
908
909Angelo's Mom: ...and Dick Masterson, just get yourself a woman.
910
911Maddox: Yeah! (taunting) Yeah.
912
913Angelo's Mom: A real woman, and be a REAL man.
914
915Maddox: Yeah, Dick. Be a REAL man.
916
917Angelo's Mom: Be a real man!
918
919Maddox: (sound clip of Angelo's mom yelling, "And who are you, GAY?")
920
921Angelo's Mom: Bye, Maddox. I love you.
922
923[clip ends]
924
925(Maddox laughs heartily)
926
927Dick: Jeez, Angelo's mom, why don't you pull your nose out of Maddox's asshole? Talk about a brown-noser!
928
929Maddox: (sound clip of Angelo's mom yelling, "You dumb shit!") No, she loves me, man. (grinning)
930
931Dick: She looks at your book every day? (incredulous) It's a good book, but holy shit!
932
933Maddox: Every day!
934
935Dick: What is it, the Bible??
936
937Maddox: (sound clip of Angelo's mom saying, "I love you, Maddox.") (laughs more) She LOVES me! She loves me.
938
939Dick: Aww. (mocking)
940
941Maddox: Angelo's mom -- I'm makin' fans, baby! You're ruining. You're DESTROYING them.
942
943Dick: I'm destroying them?
944
945Maddox: Yeah.
946
947Dick: Oh. (flatly)
948
949Maddox: That's what you do. Like, uh, our poor caller -- what was his name? CJ Canton! Who called in. Called you "gangrenous pond scum." (cracks up)
950
951Dick: I mean, look, I get if you're really angry and you wanna take out the fact that you gotta work on Thanksgiving out on me. That's fine. But, uh... (sighs dismissively)
952
953Maddox: Yeah.
954
955Dick: I'm not the one who's, uh...I'm not the one who's makin' you show up, I'm not the one writing the check...
956
957Maddox: You One-Percenter. (sneering) Alright, Dick -
958
959Dick: (interjects) I'm not even shopping!
960
961Maddox: Great. (sarcastic) Well, let's get to the problems, Dick. What do you got?
962
963Dick: Bro-downs!
964
965Maddox: What...the hell is a bro-down? (cracking up)
966
967Dick: You know what a bro-down is?
968
969Maddox: No.
970
971Dick: I looked at...I looked up Urban Dictionary, to see if they agreed with me?
972
973Maddox: Mmhm.
974
975Dick: On what a bro-down was? And they don't.
976
977Maddox: Hm'kay. (chuckling)
978
979Dick: Uh, but that's never stopped me before.
980
981Maddox: Sure.
982
983Dick: I... (stammers) I don't think Urban Dictionary is accurate in its...in ALL of its slang.
984
985Maddox: Well...
986
987Dick: It is in a lot, but then it seems a little silly at times.
988
989Maddox: Well yeah, 'cause anyone can edit it. It's like Wikipedia. You know, the source that you use for most of your arguments? (wryly) (laughs)
990
991Dick: Yeah. (cracks up) You're right, that's not nearly as good as wikiHow. (derisively) Right?
992
993Maddox: Hey! (laughs) Hey, shut up! (laughs more) Alright. So what's a bro-down, Dick?
994
995Dick: A bro-down, a bro-down...um, I'll tell you a little story. Tell you what a bro-down is.
996
997Maddox: Okay.
998
999Dick: I was at a...I was at a house party.
1000
1001Maddox: Uh-huh. (amused)
1002
1003Dick: With you.
1004
1005Maddox: Oh!
1006
1007Dick: So...
1008
1009Maddox: I know THIS story. (laughing)
1010
1011Dick: ...I was at a house party, about halfway, maybe three quarters of the way through a bottle of Wild Turkey. Alright?
1012
1013Maddox: Yeah.
1014
1015Dick: So if my...if my, uh, interpretation of events -- if my recollection of events starts to deviate, please tell me if that's the case. Alright?
1016
1017Maddox: I will, Dick. I'll call you on it.
1018
1019Dick: 'Cause you were there for most of this.
1020
1021Maddox: Yeah. I was.
1022
1023Dick: Yeah. Simple little house party. Party's dying down, we're in the backyard. And, uh, an altercation was started.
1024
1025Maddox: (splutters) Wha...?! Uh, alright. Okay, already: (buzzer sound effect)
1026
1027Dick: Ha! Okay.
1028
1029Maddox: (laughing) Dick, *was* the altercation started? (Dick tries not to laugh) Did it just spontaneously happen?!
1030
1031Dick: You know, some -- who knows! (Maddox bursts out laughing) With these things! Sometimes altercations are just in the ether. And someone happens to discover it FIRST...is it really their fault?
1032
1033Maddox: Yeah. (dying from laughter)
1034
1035Dick: For finding the altercation before the other person? It was in the ether. (gleeful)
1036
1037Maddox: It was in the ether! The altercation was just THERE!
1038
1039Dick: Yeah!
1040
1041Maddox: And we just stumbled upon it.
1042
1043Dick: We just stumbled -- you AND I!
1044
1045Maddox: Oh, you -
1046
1047Dick: (interjects) You AND I stumbled upon this altercation.
1048
1049Maddox: Don't drag me into this, bozo! Who started this altercation?
1050
1051Dick: Okay. (amused) (Maddox giggles) YOU be the judge.
1052
1053Maddox: Okay.
1054
1055Dick: You...you know. Listeners be the judge of who's -- who, quote unquote, "started" this.
1056
1057Maddox: Yeah.
1058
1059Dick: There was a...there was a beer pong table in the backyard that had been used all night. The party was dead, it was dying. Right?
1060
1061Maddox: It was winding down.
1062
1063Dick: Yeah. Winding down.
1064
1065Maddox: Yeah.
1066
1067Dick: And there was a beer pong table that was covered in half-full beers.
1068
1069Maddox: Right.
1070
1071Dick: Those little Solo cups. Right?
1072
1073Maddox: You're an optimist! (laughs)
1074
1075Dick: Hey! How 'bout that?? (excited)
1076
1077Maddox: Yeah!
1078
1079Dick: How 'bout that, Angelo's mom? (Maddox laughs more) Not such a bad guy, I'm an optimist!
1080
1081Maddox: (sound clip of Angelo's mom yelling, "You are a jackass!") (cracks up)
1082
1083Dick: Oh. She's gonna love this story. So, beer pong table covered in, uh, beery Solo cups. And I think -- I'm sitting there with my dog and my bottle of whiskey, and I think, "Man..." Sitting next to an orange tree, and I think, "Man, wouldn't it be really funny if somebody threw an orange at all of these Solo cups and they, like, shot everywhere?"
1084
1085Maddox: Yeah. (laughing)
1086
1087Dick: Like bowling, except also...exploding drinks everywhere.
1088
1089Maddox: And also at the behest of a huge asshole. But yes, go on.
1090
1091Dick: Like, "Wouldn't it be funny if it happened?" And then suddenly I was *doing* it. (Maddox bursts out laughing) Right? (cracks up)
1092
1093Maddox: Whoa whoa, Dick! You're skippin' an important piece here. You turned to me and you said -
1094
1095Dick: (interjects) Nonono, that...oh, you came out before I did the first one. Er, you came out after I did the first one.
1096
1097Maddox: No, I was there for all of 'em!
1098
1099Dick: Oh, you were THERE!
1100
1101Maddox: Yeah! I was there!
1102
1103Dick: Okay.
1104
1105Maddox: You drunk asshole, I was sittin' right next to you!
1106
1107Dick: Okay, well what did I...what did I say?
1108
1109Maddox: You, you turned to me... (giggling)
1110
1111Dick: This is great! We're all learning stuff. (grinning) I'm learning my own story!
1112
1113Maddox: Yeah. You turned to me and you said, "Hey man, you think I could hit those, uh, those cups from here?" And I said, "Yes, Dick." And you go... (both crack up) ..."Let's see!"
1114
1115Dick: "Let's see!!" (gleeful) "Let's see if you're RIGHT!"
1116
1117Maddox: Yeah. (amused)
1118
1119Dick: So, I could.
1120
1121Maddox: Uh-huh.
1122
1123Dick: I COULD hit the cups.
1124
1125Maddox: You threw it, yeah. (about to laugh)
1126
1127Dick: I threw the orange, and like, I dunno, probably 10 cups go splattering everywhere. Right?
1128
1129Maddox: Uh-huh.
1130
1131Dick: As it turns out, these dumb guys happened to be standing kinda close to these cups.
1132
1133Maddox: And I... (stammers)
1134
1135Dick: They each had a date. It was two guys and two girls. Right?
1136
1137Maddox: Was it? I thought it was...it was two guys and ONE girl. (Dick gasps) He was the third wheel!
1138
1139Dick: Oh, you're RIGHT!!
1140
1141Maddox: That's what it was!
1142
1143Dick: You're RIGHT! That -
1144
1145Maddox: You drunk ass. (teasing)
1146
1147Dick: - this gets even better!
1148
1149Maddox: Yeah! And I don't even think any -
1150
1151Dick: (interjects) I only see women in doubles when I'm drunk. (breaking into a grin)
1152
1153Maddox: You -- yeah. Yeah. Of course.
1154
1155Dick: Go ahead.
1156
1157Maddox: Yeah, I don't even think any beer splashed on him, by the way.
1158
1159Dick: Ohh, no! Nononono, definitely not. 'Cause I...like, even in my drunk state, I *thought* they were far away.
1160
1161Maddox: Okay.
1162
1163Dick: Like, I thought they were far enough away. I thought this was a safe move.
1164
1165Maddox: Yeah! It was!
1166
1167Dick: Right?
1168
1169Maddox: You surprisingly were less of an asshole than usual. But yes.
1170
1171Dick: I don't wanna splatter beer all over people!
1172
1173Maddox: No! You're not... (cracks up) You're not -
1174
1175Dick: (interjects) I mean, I have been ejected from...Dodger Stadium for doing that. (Maddox chuckles) But that's a different story. I learned my lesson.
1176
1177Maddox: Yeah! You -
1178
1179Dick: (interjects) I didn't wanna get this guy wet!
1180
1181Maddox: You're not a...you're not a jerk; you're a dick!
1182
1183Dick: Thank you!
1184
1185Maddox: Yeah.
1186
1187Dick: So, I throw the orange, beer shoots everywhere...and it was awesome!
1188
1189Maddox: Yeah.
1190
1191Dick: It was as cool as I thought it would be, right?
1192
1193Maddox: Pretty funny -- yeah! It was pretty cool.
1194
1195Dick: Yeah, it was pretty cool.
1196
1197Maddox: Yeah.
1198
1199Dick: Right? It was cooler than sitting there doing nothing.
1200
1201Maddox: It was cooler than nothing, yes. (dryly)
1202
1203Dick: Right. Okay. (smiling)
1204
1205Maddox: I'll give you that, Dick. (chuckling)
1206
1207Dick: So then I was like, "Oh man, I gotta do that again. That was cool." Right? Is that accurate?
1208
1209Maddox: Well, before that, you -
1210
1211Dick: (interjects) Oh, so this is when he...
1212
1213Maddox: Yes.
1214
1215Dick: ...this is when the altercation was found. (Maddox laughs)
1216
1217Maddox: It was STUMBLED upon.
1218
1219Dick: This is when the altercation *appeared.*
1220
1221Maddox: Yeah.
1222
1223Dick: The wild altercation appeared.
1224
1225Maddox: Like a Pokemon. (amused)
1226
1227Dick: And this guy turns to me, and -- what did he call me, a..."stupid motherfucker," and this and that?
1228
1229Maddox: "HEY, you stupid motherfucker!" (angrily)
1230
1231Dick: Yeah! "Hey, you asshole! What are you doing throwing oranges?"
1232
1233Maddox: Yeah, I think he said "asshole." Yeah.
1234
1235Dick: So he said, "I...I demand an apology!" (Maddox inhales thoughtfully)
1236
1237Maddox: Uh -
1238
1239Dick: (interjects) He said "I want an apology," didn't he?
1240
1241Maddox: That was the SECOND one, Dick!
1242
1243Dick: Oh, okay.
1244
1245Maddox: Get to the second orange!
1246
1247Dick: Okay.
1248
1249Maddox: The first one, he said "Hey! What the fuck is your problem?!" And you say "Uh, I dunno, man!" And he goes, "Don't do that again!!"
1250
1251Dick: Ohh -- oh, THAT was the mistake.
1252
1253Maddox: So that's where we left off. That was... (cracks up) ...the mistake.
1254
1255Dick: So I...so I do it again.
1256
1257Maddox: IMMEDIATELY!
1258
1259Dick: Immediately. (grinning)
1260
1261Maddox: He grabs an orange off the tree and throws it before he could, like, almost finish the sentence. It was already on the table.
1262
1263Dick: I mean, you HAVE to!
1264
1265Maddox: Well, of course. (about to laugh)
1266
1267Dick: When people say...when people say with no authority to NOT do something that is fun and cool?
1268
1269Maddox: Yeah.
1270
1271Dick: And everyone's looking at it? You have to do it again!
1272
1273Maddox: Sure.
1274
1275Dick: And he -- just step to the side!
1276
1277Maddox: Yeah!
1278
1279Dick: I didn't get him wet. If I had gotten him wet, he woulda said, "You got beer all over me."
1280
1281Maddox: He probably woulda said that, yeah.
1282
1283Dick: Yeah! He...so he obviously didn't.
1284
1285Maddox: Yeah!
1286
1287Dick: I was right in thinking that.
1288
1289Maddox: Yeah.
1290
1291Dick: He coulda just moved over.
1292
1293Maddox: Sure!
1294
1295Dick: I've...I have a BOTTLE of whiskey in my HAND.
1296
1297Maddox: Uh-huh.
1298
1299Dick: You're *reasoning* with this person?!
1300
1301Maddox: Yeah. He's an idiot, right.
1302
1303Dick: Okay? He's...that is...that's the idiot!
1304
1305Maddox: He's the idiot! I'm with you, dude.
1306
1307Dick: Okay! Thank you.
1308
1309Maddox: Yeah!
1310
1311Dick: And you were that night, 'cause you were laughing like an asshole...
1312
1313Maddox: Oh, of course. (amused)
1314
1315Dick: ...at this point.
1316
1317Maddox: I couldn't stop.
1318
1319Dick: When I did it again.
1320
1321Maddox: It was hilarious.
1322
1323Dick: So he turns around and starts losing his shit! Saying, uh, basically the same -- basically reiterating his point, and then adding: "I want an apology!"
1324
1325Maddox: Yeah! He said -
1326
1327Dick: (interjects) "I want an apology outta you!"
1328
1329Maddox: He said "What the FUCK'S your problem?! I thought I TOLD you..." (shouting)
1330
1331Dick: Oh, yeah.
1332
1333Maddox: "...not to throw another ORANGE!!" He got really aggressive at this point, and his friends are kinda lookin' at us, and lookin' -- everyone's gettin' really tense now. And he turns and says -
1334
1335Dick: (interjects) Except for me. (cackles loudly)
1336
1337Maddox: Yeah, except for you, of course. (smiling) Except for you, the unflappable drunk asshole. (mocking) And so he turns and says, "I want you to fuckin' apologize, right now!!"
1338
1339Dick: And this is -- I wanna re-do it. I wanna try to re-do it. I don't know if I can, 'cause it was so...it was so funny when I did it, it's hard to recreate. But say that again.
1340
1341Maddox: Okay. "You better apologize, right now!" (shouting)
1342
1343Dick: "...Sorry." (flatly)
1344
1345Maddox: Yep! That was about it. (laughs loudly)
1346
1347Dick: That was about it! And then it was just dead silence, right?
1348
1349Maddox: Yeah.
1350
1351Dick: Because you never expect THAT!
1352
1353Maddox: Oh, yeah that -
1354
1355Dick: (interjects) Like, these guys never just expect you to do what they say to do.
1356
1357Maddox: Right.
1358
1359Dick: 'Cause you can't apologize, 'cause that, like, 'questions your manhood.' (jokingly macho voice) Right?
1360
1361Maddox: Yeah, and he doesn't what an asshole, insincere prick you are. 'Cause you NEVER mean an apology.
1362
1363Dick: No!
1364
1365Maddox: The non-apology king right here!
1366
1367Dick: Yeah.
1368
1369Maddox: Yeah! So, so immediately he was like, "Well, uh...uh, okay then!"
1370
1371Dick: Yeah!
1372
1373Maddox: "Well, don't do it again!" (stupidly aggressive voice) "Better not do it again!"
1374
1375Dick: Well -- see?? I might not have done it again!
1376
1377Maddox: Yeah. (amused)
1378
1379Dick: But he's gotta keep...gotta keep piling on. Right?
1380
1381Maddox: Yeah, well.
1382
1383Dick: So he turns around, and I have -- I would say I have decent comedic timing.
1384
1385Maddox: Well... (laughs heartily)
1386
1387Dick: I wait until it's...I wait until it's as funny as I think it will be. And I grab another orange, of course, 'cause I'm like, "Alright, I can't just do it right away. 'Cause then it makes me seem like I really want this." You know?
1388
1389Maddox: Mmhm.
1390
1391Dick: "I gotta really let it...let it die down."
1392
1393Maddox: Well. You turned to US and asked for our opinion, Dick! Do you remember this?
1394
1395Dick: Right! Yes. I do.
1396
1397Maddox: Yeah.
1398
1399Dick: I don't remember what I said, though.
1400
1401Maddox: Okay. (amused) You turned to me first and you said, "Uhh, should I throw another one?" (Dick laughs hysterically) And I...(cracks up) And I just kinda shrug, and I think, "Uh, I dunno, man. It'd be pretty funny, but he seems pretty worked up." Then there was this guy -
1402
1403Dick: (interjects) At this point, if I don't get a 'no' -- like an emphatic 'no' -- I'm doin' it. Right? That's what's goin' on in my mind when this is happening.
1404
1405Maddox: Yeah.
1406
1407Dick: I'm telling you.
1408
1409Maddox: And then you turned to your left, and there was this British guy sittin' there just, like, comfortably. (Dick laughs more) Like, cozily sipping a beer, casually just sitting there.
1410
1411Dick: He had a good show!
1412
1413Maddox: Yeah! He's just watching, and he kinda -- you turned to him and said, "Hey man, what do you think? Should I throw this orange?" And he kinda shrugs and goes, "I don't know." (imitating an English accent) (both laugh) And then, we're sittin' there debating whether or not we should throw the orange.
1414
1415Dick: Yeah.
1416
1417Maddox: And you're like, "Oh, should I?" And I can SEE in the background -- you're not payin' attention, but I noticed the guy. He's like, gettin' worked up, he's gettin' into -
1418
1419Dick: (interjects) Right!
1420
1421Maddox: Yeah! Super...what's the, uh, with the Dragon Ball Z guy?
1422
1423Dick: Uh, again...
1424
1425Maddox: Super S-...yeah. Well, whatever.
1426
1427Dick: ...I don't, I don't know the -- Gohan?? Is that a thing?
1428
1429Maddox: Yeah, Super Sauron? No no, what's that...
1430
1431Dick: Super Saiyan?
1432
1433Maddox: Super Saiyan! Yeah, he's like, gettin' Super Saiyan. Right?
1434
1435Dick: Yeah, he's...
1436
1437Maddox: So, so -
1438
1439Dick: (interjects) So that's the guy whose hair shoots up when he goes like, "AAAARRGHH!"
1440
1441Maddox: Yeah. (amused)
1442
1443Dick: Okay, I know that guy.
1444
1445Maddox: Yeah. 'Ameyameka,' or whatever the thing is. So then (cracks up) our other buddy comes out, and you said -- he's a good friend of ours! And you turned to him...and he's kind of like a fatherly figure. He has this, like, fatherly affect about him. So he comes out, and you turn to him and you say, "Hey man, think I should throw this orange?" And he kinda -
1446
1447Dick: (interjects) And he...knowing that he's seen nothing of what's transpired so far. (smiling)
1448
1449Maddox: Yeah.
1450
1451Dick: Like, just setting him up, 'cause I thought it'd be funny.
1452
1453Maddox: Yeah. And he kinda sheepishly says -- like, shrugs 'no.' And then, right -
1454
1455Dick: (interjects) So I...no, while this is happening, I'm looking at that threesome.
1456
1457Maddox: Yeah.
1458
1459Dick: And there's this dude who's -- like, the one guy...the one guy who's flippin' out already has, like...he looks like a neckbeard. Right?
1460
1461Maddox: Yeah.
1462
1463Dick: Like he's got a big stupid beard...he has a -
1464
1465Maddox: (interjects) He literally has a neckbeard!
1466
1467Dick: Yeah! Yeah, yeah. His other guy is like a trim, fit guy in a motorcycle jacket who looks like a badass. Right? The guy with the girl. Was that accurate?
1468
1469Maddox: Ohh, that guy with the -
1470
1471Dick: (interjects) The greaser-lookin' guy.
1472
1473Maddox: That was a cool motorcycle jacket, yeah.
1474
1475Dick: Yeah! That guy looked fuckin' cool!
1476
1477Maddox: Yeah.
1478
1479Dick: So, I'm...I make eye contact with him, holding this orange in my hand, and I'm like, "Eh?" (suggestively) Like, looked at him. (Maddox laughs) He just goes...he tries not to look...he tries not show any expression on his face but he just kind of, like, shakes his head.
1480
1481Maddox: Right.
1482
1483Dick: Right? Like, "Okay, dude. That's...that's a buy-in. I got a buy-in from you." So, clearly... (Maddox laughs more) ...clearly this isn't gonna go TOO far south if I do. So once our friend comes out -- the fatherly guy -- and shrugs, I'm like, "Yeah!" I throw it. (Maddox bursts out laughing) I lob this orange, and it...it pockets like Tin Cup into one of these Solo cups and fuckin' EXPLODES. Is that accurate? It destroyed -- like, it hit...it hit pockets of cups that I didn't even know there was. Like it felt like a video game, when they crashed and went smashing all over the table?
1484
1485Maddox: Yeah, pretty funny. You didn't splash him still, though.
1486
1487Dick: Oh, still! No, of course not.
1488
1489Maddox: No.
1490
1491Dick: So... (cracks up) So I'm dying of laughter at this point 'cause of the tension. Like that...you know. That, like...
1492
1493Maddox: Right. (chuckling)
1494
1495Dick: ...tension that usually gives people anxiety. I'm like...I love it. I started laughing. I just hear, "THAT'S IT!!" (both laugh loudly) And this guy, this guy comes fucking STORMING over like, uh, like a bushwhacker... (Maddox laughs hysterically) Like, uh, like the beginning of Donkey Kong, right? Throwing his -- I'm throwing my fists up in the air, like back and forth over here. You can't see, but I'm throwing it up like a gorilla! Right?
1496
1497Maddox: Yeah. (amused)
1498
1499Dick: Like this big silverback gorilla. And he comes SCREAMING over at me, "THAT'S IT! THAT'S IT. THAT'S IT, YOU WANNA GO?? YOU WANNA GO?" (Maddox laughs) And of course I don't wanna go! Like I've...I've achieved maximum enjoyment of this.
1500
1501Maddox: You've already gone.
1502
1503Dick: I've gone! I've already come.
1504
1505Maddox: You're, you're...you're spent. Yeah.
1506
1507Dick: Yeah!
1508
1509Maddox: You've come... (breaks down laughing)
1510
1511Dick: So he gets in my face and starts like, you know...trying to, like, rub his nipples on mine, I guess! Which is what guys -- THIS is a bro-down.
1512
1513Maddox: Yeah.
1514
1515Dick: This right here is the bro-down. He gets his chest out, right? And he starts smushing it against me, and I've...I've got a BOTTLE of whiskey in one hand and the leash of a DOG in the other hand.
1516
1517Maddox: Yeah.
1518
1519Dick: And he's losing his FUCKIN' mind. So I start keeling over with laughter, right? You guys are -- I don't know if you're trying to get involved at this point?
1520
1521Maddox: Aw, no -- yeah, I was just sittin' back. I'm like, "Well, I wanna see this asshole get punched." (laughs)
1522
1523Dick: Oh, yeah! Meaning either me or him, I don't know!
1524
1525Maddox: Yeah, he's puffin' up his chest like a dullard!
1526
1527Dick: Like he's gonna do something!
1528
1529Maddox: Like rubbing...rubbing his NIPPLES on you, which is...
1530
1531Dick: Rubbing nipples together!!
1532
1533Maddox: ...which is an aggressive move!
1534
1535Dick: That's what a bro-down is.
1536
1537Maddox: Yeah!
1538
1539Dick: You try to rub your nipples against the other guy's nipples until one of you cums, I guess! I don't know, (Maddox laughs) 'cause it NEVER comes to blows!
1540
1541Maddox: (idiotic macho voice) "Hey bruh, what are you...?"
1542
1543Dick: "Bro, what do you think of these nipples??" (same stupid aggressive voice) (laughs)
1544
1545Maddox: "Why'd you do that? Why'd you throw that orange?" (barely intelligible) "Why'd you throw that orange, bro? I'll challenge you off 'til you apologize! Huuuh??"
1546
1547Dick: "How tender are YOUR nipples, bro?" (Maddox laughs) "My nipples are tender as shit! My nipples are hard as shit, man! I won't c-..." So, this guy is doing this and I'm, I'm keeling over with laughter. 'Cause -
1548
1549Maddox: (interjects) You're...yeah, you're DOUBLED OVER...
1550
1551Dick: Doubled over, literally.
1552
1553Maddox: ...laughing! Yeah.
1554
1555Dick: Drunker than HELL. Uh, and...he's like, "Why don't you stand up and fight me like a man?!" (Maddox laughs robustly) "Stand up and...you're such a bitch! You're such a pussy!" And I'm like, "I...I can't. I can't. I can't. I gotta..." These guys get involved at this point. They're like, "Okay, okay. You're...you are a huge asshole." (giggling)
1556
1557Maddox: Yeah. (about to laugh)
1558
1559Dick: Whattaya *doing*? Like, whattaya doing. (exasperated)
1560
1561Maddox: Well, you didn't mention that he pushed you at this point!
1562
1563Dick: OH, yeah!
1564
1565Maddox: So he's trying to provoke you into a fight, and THAT'S when you were doubled over laughing, because he pushed you (cracks up) and you couldn't control your laughter.
1566
1567Dick: Ahh, I can't. (grinning)
1568
1569Maddox: So...and you wouldn't -
1570
1571Dick: I just can't.
1572
1573Maddox: - you wouldn't take the bait. And so after he pushed you I walked over to this guy and I said, "Okay, man, take it easy. He's drunk, he's an idiot." (Dick laughs loudly) "Just let him go." You're trying to -- again -
1574
1575Dick: (interjects) Idiot like a fox! (laughs harder)
1576
1577Maddox: Again, Dick, you're trying to reason with a drunk idiot. Don't...you can't reason with drunk people! You just ignore them and avoid them! They're loose cannons. You don't know what they'll do. They'll probably stab you with a broken whiskey bottle, as you could have done. (cracking up) But -
1578
1579Dick: (interjects) Yeah!!
1580
1581Maddox: Well...yeah. I mean, you're a DICK...you're -
1582
1583Dick: (interjects) I mean, you shove me back? "Whoops! I just, uh, broke this whiskey bottle. Oops!" Two Mr. Magoo, Mr. Bean slips, and this guy just lost his -
1584
1585Maddox: (interjects) (sound clip of Angelo's mom yelling, "You are a SHIT head!") (laughs) What a shithead.
1586
1587Dick: That's my problem; it's bro-downs. Because this happens *all* the fuckin' time.
1588
1589Maddox: Yeah.
1590
1591Dick: And it's embarrassing to me as a man to see men doing this. It's shameful. What are you DOING. Why are you putting on this big, retarded display over...over Solo cups?
1592
1593Maddox: Yeah...I dunno, Dick. It sounds like the problem was you being a drunk idiot. (cracking up)
1594
1595Dick: Yeah, but this happens all the time without me! And usually there's some OTHER moron on the other side of this who ALSO wants to get his nipples in on the action. (Maddox laughs) And then it turns into a -- it never turns into a fight! Excuse me. It never turns into a fight; it's just a big, weird...DANCE.
1596
1597Maddox: No -
1598
1599Dick: That guys do!
1600
1601Maddox: Yeah... (unsure)
1602
1603Dick: What?
1604
1605Maddox: Yeah, you know, Dick? That's true to an extent. Because if you mess with the wrong crowd...like, in Los Angeles, there are gangs! Right? There are gang members. And sometimes they got their homies, and they're cowards! They don't wanna fight one-on-one, so they'll get all their buddies to jump in on ya, and then you're fucked! 'Cause one of 'em's gonna fight dirty and stab ya.
1606
1607Dick: Sure! Yeah.
1608
1609Maddox: Yeah! (laughing) Well, that's...that's what you're settin' yourself up for.
1610
1611Dick: What's your, what's your...? That's why it's a problem, you're saying.
1612
1613Maddox: Well, the problem of course is the drunk idiot. Not the bro-down -- look, the bro-down's a problem -
1614
1615Dick: (interjects) Yeah, but this is like...look, this is like, if you get run into the wrong way on the *subway.*
1616
1617Maddox: Yeah.
1618
1619Dick: There's gonna be a bro-down. It's like, when did...when did guys turn into these mafioso wannabe gangsters that, like, they need to be respected at all times?
1620
1621Maddox: I think since -
1622
1623Dick: (interjects) When did that happen?
1624
1625Maddox: Since the beginning, Dick. Guys have always been that way. (chuckling)
1626
1627Dick: You don't think it's getting worse?
1628
1629Maddox: Uh, it COULD be. No, I think it's gettin', it's gettin' better! Dick, here's another...here's another impromptu Dick Versus Dick.
1630
1631Dick: Okay.
1632
1633Maddox: Weren't you saying a couple episodes back that it's impossible to provoke someone into a fight? Nobody wants to fight anymore?
1634
1635Dick: Yeah! Yeah.
1636
1637Maddox: Well, this guy tried!
1638
1639Dick: They just wanna...they just wanna put on this spectacle!
1640
1641Maddox: No, but this guy tried!
1642
1643Dick: In front of all their friends!
1644
1645Maddox: You didn't take the bait. (smiling) This guy tried.
1646
1647Dick: Dude, if he wanted to fight me, he woulda just walked over and hit me. That's a fight! That's how you start a fight. You don't come in with nipples blazing. (Maddox laughs)
1648
1649Maddox: He did -
1650
1651Dick: (interjects) Trying to nipple sword-fight me.
1652
1653Maddox: Look, he did shove you! That's a provocation. You actually had the justification for self-defense.
1654
1655Dick: Ugh, yeah, I...please. (dismissively)
1656
1657Maddox: That's assault, man!
1658
1659Dick: Get outta here. It is, but it's...it's not a fight. It's a -- what is it? Do we have to, like...is it like foreplay of fighting? (Maddox chuckles) You gotta ask me out with a shove and then I, like, send you notes in class and kiss you? 'Til we get to the next point, where we're actually exchanging blows? It's just... (splutters)
1660
1661Maddox: Ew.
1662
1663Dick: At this age -- yeah, exactly! At this age, I'm not fighting over Solo cups, man!
1664
1665Maddox: No. No...
1666
1667Dick: What are you...what are you getting so bent outta shape for?
1668
1669Maddox: Yeah. No, you're right, Dick. Like he, he was...he was a bro, for sure. He was bro-downing hard. Um, and his nipples were hard. I could, I s-... (cracks up) (Dick guffaws) I SAW them! I saw them glistening in the night. 'Cause -- maybe you did splash some beer on him, 'cause he had some really fuckin' pointy nipples.
1670
1671Dick: His beard was hard too.
1672
1673Maddox: Yeah. (amused) His whole body was hard.
1674
1675Dick: He turned into, like, a 'boing'... (imitating Maddox's boner sound effect) Big boner.
1676
1677Maddox: Oh MAN. And then after...after we kinda broke it up, me and I think the British guy..."Calm down, mate. Calm down." (English accent) (Dick laughs loudly) And so... (cracks up) So we got him to turn around. And he walks over past his friends where he was just having a nice conversation, a nice night, that he could've avoided just simply by taking a step to the left away from the ping pong table.
1678
1679Dick: He's probably cock-blockin' that guy, by the way!
1680
1681Maddox: He probably was!!
1682
1683Dick: Probably was!
1684
1685Maddox: Fuckin' BEARDO...
1686
1687Dick: He was an angry little fuck!
1688
1689Maddox: ...in a bad mood, 'cause he's not gettin' laid!
1690
1691Dick: Yeah!
1692
1693Maddox: Maybe he shoulda listened to, uh, yours and Butt Sanchez's advice and uh, he can get chlamydia in a hot tub. (snidely) But listen, man. He could've, like, stepped one step to the left and avoided this whole thing. Then when he turned around and walked back to his friends, I saw...I saw him still in like, Super Saiyan mode. Right?
1694
1695Dick: Yeah!
1696
1697Maddox: He's sittin' there with his back turned to the rest of the party, like, everybody! He's kind of sulking in the corner, where it's dark. And you can see just, like, the silhouette of him, right? And he's just like, his arms are tense and his muscles are kinda... (mockingly growling) ...he's just kinda gripping his fists, he's so mad!
1698
1699Dick: Jesus CHRIST, this guy.
1700
1701Maddox: Yeah! Dude, fuckin' chill out, dude! It's 3 in the morning, everyone at this party's drunk; go home. What an idiot. (under his breath)
1702
1703Dick: Or come throw some oranges with me! Relieve a little stress.
1704
1705Maddox: Dick, is that, uh...?
1706
1707Dick: Nonono! Well, I started looking stuff up on this, this angry white men phenomenon?
1708
1709Maddox: White? (puzzled)
1710
1711Dick: Have you heard of that?
1712
1713Maddox: Why are you adding race into this?
1714
1715Dick: Well, that's...that's what it's called!
1716
1717Maddox: Okay.
1718
1719Dick: I mean, this is like...it's, uh -
1720
1721Maddox: (interjects) According to who?
1722
1723Dick: The Internet. I don't know. (Maddox chuckles)
1724
1725Maddox: Okay.
1726
1727Dick: It's...well, because it...I tried to find some actual stats on this, or some actual research. Or at least some talking points. And it's all these authors talking about...how masculinity is ending? It's the end of the masculine era, and all these guys are all pissed off that they don't have a place in the world anymore. But I don't think that's true! I don't think that's what was goin' through that guy's mind when he's raging out in his bro-down.
1728
1729Maddox: I disagree! I think that IS true. I think that guys do need, sometimes, they need that outlet. Like, I know some people -- for example, Tucker Max! Uh, the author Tucker Max, right? He's my buddy.
1730
1731Dick: Yeah.
1732
1733Maddox: Um, he had...he was really kind of aggressive, and he mellowed out A LOT after he started taking fighting lessons and he started doing MMA stuff. He *really* mellowed out a lot.
1734
1735Dick: Hmm.
1736
1737Maddox: He just needed to get that out of his system. (Dick inhales thoughtfully)
1738
1739Dick: Well, maybe, uh...I dunno. Maybe that guy found a way to get it out of his system.
1740
1741Maddox: Yeah, you... (cracks up) ...you made him cum.
1742
1743Dick: That wasn't shoving me around.
1744
1745Maddox: You made him... (laughs) You made his masculine boner cum, dude.
1746
1747Dick: Here's, uh, here's a stats I DID find. Here's a stats for ya.
1748
1749Maddox: Yeah.
1750
1751Dick: The National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism -- something from the government -- paid a million bucks in tax dollars (cracking up) to fund a 5-year study of alcohol and bar violence that determined -- get a load of THIS...get a load of this million-dollar finding.
1752
1753Maddox: Yeah. (amused)
1754
1755Dick: "Bar fights tend to occur in venues that are relatively dark, dirty, noisy, hot, and crowded..." (cynical tone)
1756
1757Maddox: Oh! (quietly)
1758
1759Dick: " [...] frequented by a clientele of younger, less agreeable, less conscientious, more impulsive heavy drinkers." [ http://www.cnsnews.com/news/article/918856-federal-study-bar-fights-tend-happen-darker-dirtier-bars-... ] Paid a million bucks for that.
1760
1761Maddox: Wow.
1762
1763Dick: Yeah, pretty good! (snidely)
1764
1765Maddox: Well!
1766
1767Dick: We gotta be running -
1768
1769Maddox: (interjects) They nailed it!
1770
1771Dick: Yeah. (cracking up)
1772
1773Maddox: They nailed it, though, huh?
1774
1775Dick: That's true! (through laughter)
1776
1777Maddox: Yeah! It's accurate!
1778
1779Dick: That's true.
1780
1781Maddox: It's accurate. And/or people's backyard parties, where everyone's just trying to chill out until Dick tries to throw oranges at a beer table. (Dick laughs)
1782
1783Dick: Uhh, yeah, that's pretty much...I dunno. I got alotta stuff on this, uh, macho thing? But it was very weird to research. Because all these authors do is rip on, like, the stereotypical conservative man. Like, they all hate...um, they all hate your typical bad guys. Tea Party guys, um...lemme see here...
1784
1785Maddox: They hate badasses, it sounds like. Right?
1786
1787Dick: No, it's not so much badasses as just, like... (sighs; searching for words) Here's my point: I don't think it's specific to any...uh, any kind of background. Or ideology.
1788
1789Maddox: What, the bro-down?
1790
1791Dick: Yeah, the bro-down.
1792
1793Maddox: I... (stammers) I think -- no, I think it is mostly non-liberal...like, I think most of my liberal friends are pacifists.
1794
1795Dick: Really?!
1796
1797Maddox: Yeah, I think so.
1798
1799Dick: I think I can rev anybody up.
1800
1801Maddox: Well, I can too, buddy! And I love doing it! I'm GOOD at it. That's what I do for a living!
1802
1803Dick: Well, I guess that's what I...that's what I disagreed with, was with their, uh, liberal bent. That somehow these liberal men are, are...beyond bro-ing down. But I don't know, maybe it is true.
1804
1805Maddox: Well, it's easier to provoke somebody who's...who's more prone to be violent or a war hawk, for example, and that's why I think they're trying to mix in some political slant with this.
1806
1807Dick: Mm.
1808
1809Maddox: Because it's thought that conservatives are generally more hawkish than liberals. Liberals are more dovish, considered -- you know, that's what people consider. Right?
1810
1811Dick: I guess so.
1812
1813Maddox: So that's why they're saying if you provoke somebody who's more hawkish, they're more likely to be provoked into violence.
1814
1815Dick: Uh, 90 percent of physical altercations go to the ground, according to cops. [ http://ejmas.com/jnc/2007jnc/jncart_Leblanc_0701.html]
1816
1817Maddox: Yeah. (laughing)
1818
1819Dick: So this guy wanted to, like, wrestle around on the ground with me? (amused)
1820
1821Maddox: (sound clip of Angelo's mom yelling, "And who are you, GAY?") (both laugh)
1822
1823Dick: Eh. Yeah.
1824
1825Maddox: Those hard nipples, man. (grinning)
1826
1827Dick: That's just so insecure.
1828
1829Maddox: Yeah, it is. It is!
1830
1831Dick: Come onnn, guys! Come on! You're makin' us look bad. (annoyed)
1832
1833Maddox: Chill out, bros! (mocking) Alright, Dick. Uh, not a problem. Uh, let's get to a real one. Huh?
1834
1835Dick: What was that, a 30-minute story?
1836
1837Maddox: Yeah!
1838
1839Dick: Sorry. (laughs)
1840
1841Maddox: Jesus. (teasing) Celebrity worship!! THAT'S my problem.
1842
1843Dick: Shit.
1844
1845Maddox: Yeah. What do you mean, "shit"?!
1846
1847Dick: I think you've heard the last of my "Maddox Lost" song. (chuckling)
1848
1849Maddox: Yeheah! (clapping sound effect) Bravo, Maddox! (sound clip of Angelo's mom saying, "I love you, Maddox.") (laughs) So, here we go. So they're the reason -- celebrity worship is the reason we have anti-vaxxers. So I brought in Anti-Vaxxers a couple episodes ago, and everybody thought that was a huge problem because it's putting the entire society at risk. Right? It's jeopardizing the WORLD, potentially.
1850
1851Dick: Yeah.
1852
1853Maddox: We have Jenny McCarthy in part to thank for anti-vaxxers. She believes her child was diagnosed with autism due to vaccines. Right? She did her own independent research, and concluded that autism rates have risen with vaccination rates. Oh, correlation must cause causation, right? (sarcastic) She failed to control for variables such as chemicals used in construction, clothing, plastics, known carcinogens, diet, water, atmosphere, or countless other things she didn't control for.
1854
1855Dick: Well, what about, like, the fact that we're paying attention to it now?
1856
1857Maddox: What?
1858
1859Dick: That's a pretty big control. The fact that the diagnosis -- like, we actually try to diagnose it now.
1860
1861Maddox: What, autism?
1862
1863Dick: Yeah.
1864
1865Maddox: Yeah...
1866
1867Dick: It's a pretty big -- I would say that's bigger than all of the...the other, uh, things she didn't control for.
1868
1869Maddox: Right. It's not necessarily that autism is on the rise, but it's that we're more, uh, able to diagnose it correctly.
1870
1871Dick: Yeah.
1872
1873Maddox: Because we have tools today that are able to diagnose autism that we didn't have in the past!
1874
1875Dick: Mmhm.
1876
1877Maddox: Because it's not something that people were looking for, and autism wasn't always on a spectrum. So now we have a much greater understanding of autism. You're right, Dick. So, here's another celebrity. So people look up to Jenny McCarthy. Right? She -- her fans listen to her, they go out and they buy their...buy her book, and then they find out that she has this crazy fucking anti-vaxxer view, and then they might decide to be an anti-vaxxer because of her. Because these celebrities are influential, right?
1878
1879Dick: Yeah. 'Cause what are they gonna say, their hero's an idiot? You can't say that.
1880
1881Maddox: No! No, you can't. Well, speaking of, my hero's an idiot: Chuck Norris. (laughs)
1882
1883Dick: Ohhh, no! (laughs loudly)
1884
1885Maddox: Look, man. Chuck Norris is a badass in all his movies (cracks up) but in his real life he's kind of an idiot. He wants...he wanted Texas to secede from the Union because our government is too secular. Did you know that?
1886
1887Dick: Uh, that's not...well, I guess I'm an idiot too, then. (smiling)
1888
1889Maddox: Yeah. (amused)
1890
1891Dick: I don't think it's IDIOTIC to want that.
1892
1893Maddox: To secede from the Union?! That's so fucking selfish! (yelling) That's making America weaker, if you have a huge fucking state like Texas secede from the Union? Fuck off!
1894
1895Dick: Yeah!
1896
1897Maddox: You don't like -- look -
1898
1899Dick: (interjects) That's called a negotiation.
1900
1901Maddox: No it's not, you moron! Look, the conservative version of liberals threatening to go to Canada is secession. So -
1902
1903Dick: (interjects) Yeah, that's true.
1904
1905Maddox: Yeah. Conserv-... (both laugh) Exactly.
1906
1907Dick: Well, goin' to Canada isn't so stupid either!
1908
1909Maddox: Yes, it is.
1910
1911Dick: Well, why?!? If ya hate the U.S., get outta here!
1912
1913Maddox: Look, man. If there's a problem with the U.S., you...you tough it up, you stick it out, and you solve the problem. Right?
1914
1915Dick: Ehhh. (dismissively)
1916
1917Maddox: "Oh...oh, we got slavery! Let's just up and leave! Let's not solve SLAVERY." (Dick laughs) That's what... (cracks up) That's what people like Chuck Norris would do. They would try to secede. "Let's keep slavery, but let's also secede from America and destroy America."
1918
1919Dick: Hey man, selfishness...uh, America's based on selfishness.
1920
1921Maddox: Well, says YOU.
1922
1923Dick: Don't ever forget that.
1924
1925Maddox: Patricia Heaton. She's the wife of Ray on Everybody Loves Raymond.
1926
1927Dick: Mhm.
1928
1929Maddox: She's opposed to abortion and euthanasia. She opposed a Missouri state constitutional amendment for embryonic stem cell research.
1930
1931Dick: Well...
1932
1933Maddox: Which passed, by the way. (chuckling) (Dick sighs)
1934
1935Dick: Well, yeah. (under his breath)
1936
1937Maddox: Stem cell research is like, one of the best things that humanity has discovered -- you know what, that's a good fuckin' solution!
1938
1939Dick: Pretty good solution. (smiling)
1940
1941Maddox: Yeah, it is!
1942
1943Dick: Uh-oh! Dibs!! (laughs hysterically)
1944
1945Maddox: Uh yeah, fuck you, Dick! (shouting) Not that it MATTERS, 'cause you're just gonna steal it like the Airline Surcharge one! (angrily) Anyway...Kirk Cameron. You remember Kirk Cameron? He was the star of Growing Pains from the '90s?
1946
1947Dick: Yeah, I remember that guy.
1948
1949Maddox: Yeah! He's a creationist.
1950
1951Dick: Ohhh.
1952
1953Maddox: Who creates anti-evolution propaganda linking Darwinism to Nazi racial theories. (cracking up) (Dick laughs) He calls homosexuality "unnatural, detrimental, and ultimately destructive to the foundations of civilization." (cynical tone)
1954
1955Dick: Hm!
1956
1957Maddox: Yeah! Kirk Cameron. All his acolytes, his fans who are looking up to him? They're gonna be anti-...they're gonna be homophobic!
1958
1959Dick: Yeah.
1960
1961Maddox: Donald Trump!
1962
1963Dick: (interjects) You don't think people can just say, like, "Eh, fuck that part of his beliefs. I still like him as an actor, but..."
1964
1965Maddox: Yeah, they CAN...the intelligent ones...
1966
1967Dick: Yeah. Oh, okay.
1968
1969Maddox: Yeah!
1970
1971Dick: So most people are...
1972
1973Maddox: Most people are idiots.
1974
1975Dick: Yeah, okay.
1976
1977Maddox: Right? These are the people celebrities -- these are the people who adhere to celebrities. They look up to celebrities.
1978
1979Dick: I don't know, I think...I think YOUR fans are able to say that snakes are cool! (taunting) They're able to say, "What the fuck is Maddox talkin' about with snakes?" (grinning)
1980
1981Maddox: You know what? My fans are *mostly* intelligent until they disagree with me. (Dick laughs) Then you have Donald Trump. Right?
1982
1983Dick: What?? What's wrong with HIM?
1984
1985Maddox: (smirks) Everything. He's a moron! He kept hinting at a 2012 presidential run, wasted people's time just to promote his show, The Apprentice -
1986
1987Dick: (chuckles) Genius.
1988
1989Maddox: - he's done it time after time again. No, it's not. He...it's embarrassing.
1990
1991Dick: Free advertising!
1992
1993Maddox: Yeah, well it's not free, 'cause it comes at the expense of tax payers. 'Cause we have to give this idiot, this BOZO, air time to debate in the presidential debates when he's not serious about running!
1994
1995Dick: Ehh...
1996
1997Maddox: It costs you and me money! WE paid for that. Then he championed a cause for the Birther movement, doubting EVERY piece of evidence (Dick laughs) that proved him wrong, that Obama was born in the United States. He was one of the main reasons that 51 percent of primary voters believed that Obama was born in Kenya! Meanwhile, John McCain, who was running against Obama the first time, was actually born in the Panama Canal Zone. Which makes him NOT a naturalized U.S. citizen. So -
1998
1999Dick: (interjects) Wait, wait. McCain??
2000
2001Maddox: McCain!
2002
2003Dick: Was born in Panama?
2004
2005Maddox: Yeah!
2006
2007Dick: But in the...but in a U.S. *part* of Panama?
2008
2009Maddox: No!
2010
2011Dick: Like, some military...?
2012
2013Maddox: No, it's the Panama Canal Zone, which makes him -- he is a U.S. citizen, but he's not a NATURALIZED U.S. citizen. He's not, he's not a natural -
2014
2015Dick: (interjects) The fuck does that mean?
2016
2017Maddox: Well, the difference is, if you have U.S. parents and you're born abroad or whatever, you can...I think, uh, that still makes you a U.S. citizen, but not a naturalized U.S. citizen. A naturalized U.S. citizen has to be born on American soil.
2018
2019Dick: Oh.
2020
2021Maddox: The Panama Canal is not U.S. soil.
2022
2023Dick: Okay.
2024
2025Maddox: Like, not officially. Not part of...not one of the states or anything like that. So, the laws about this are actually kinda murky.
2026
2027Dick: Mm.
2028
2029Maddox: I even checked Snopes to make sure this checks out. Snopes said it's undetermined, because the laws are really murky on this. But...uh, realistically, John McCain is less of a naturalized citizen than Obama; Obama was actually born in Hawaii. So.
2030
2031Dick: Yeah, that was still a fun ride though. When it was like, "Where was he born? Let's see the certificate!" (grinning)
2032
2033Maddox: More wasting time.
2034
2035Dick: Eh, what is life?? Come on!
2036
2037Maddox: Yeah. (skeptical)
2038
2039Dick: It was fun to see on TV. (gleeful)
2040
2041Maddox: Yeah. (sound clip of Angelo's mom yelling, "You dumb shit!")
2042
2043Dick: Oho, yeah! I'm so stupid. (sardonic) (both laugh) I think it's entertaining to watch these blowhards power it out on television.
2044
2045Maddox: Speaking of blowhards, John Wayne was pro-Vietnam War. GREAT war. Awesome war. (cynical) America got a lot outta that one, didn't they?
2046
2047Dick: Nah...
2048
2049Maddox: So here's the thing, Dick. I was actually doin' some research -
2050
2051Dick: (interjects) We got Forrest Gump out of it. (Maddox chuckles)
2052
2053Maddox: Oho, great! Got a movie. Billions of dollars, and we got one movie to show for it. I did this research, and -
2054
2055Dick: (interjects) Apocalypse Now. We got TWO good movies out of it. Sorry. (smiling)
2056
2057Maddox: Yeah, but we also got, uh...what's his name, who went on the...the 'win' tour? Uh, from Two and A Half Men? Your hero?
2058
2059Dick: Oh, Charlie Sheen?
2060
2061Maddox: Charlie Sheen. Wasn't he in Apocalypse Now? That was...that's where he got his start, I think!
2062
2063Dick: Oh, yeah... (pensively)
2064
2065Maddox: Yeah! That's where he kinda got his big, uh -- that was his big role!
2066
2067Dick: You don't like Charlie Sheen?
2068
2069Maddox: Uh...Two and A Half Men is awful.
2070
2071Dick: He was a truther, man! He was, uh, he was like all about getting...um, asking questions about the World Trade Center. Talk about celebrity worship. Because I loved that guy until I heard that and I was like, "Aw, shit."
2072
2073Maddox: Yeah. Then let me say "no."
2074
2075Dick: Yeah.
2076
2077Maddox: I don't like him. So there's actually -- I looked into this, and there's a Wikipedia article called...uh, it's actually a syndrome. It's called Celebrity Worship Syndrome. [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Celebrity_worship_syndrome]
2078
2079Dick: Oh!
2080
2081Maddox: Yeah! This is an actual thing, so I started looking into this. There is a PhD, uh, by the name of John D. Moore. And he suggested in 2013 that there exists three primary types of celebrity stalkers. Right? There's Simple Obsessional -- that's the first one -- there's Love Obsessional, and the third one is Erotomanic. (Dick bursts out laughing)
2082
2083Dick: What the hell does that mean? (through giggles)
2084
2085Maddox: So the first one, Simple Obsessional, is 70 to 80 percent of all stalking cases. It's a form of stalking that's associated with individuals who have shared previous personal relationships with their victims. So people become, they become -
2086
2087Dick: (interjects) Ex-girlfriends? Stuff like that?
2088
2089Maddox: Yes. Yes, usually. So people who become obsessed with celebrities, so they become stalkers. That's the Simple Obsessional. They're usually kind of benign and harmless; they're not actually, you know, going to cause any harm. The second one is Love Obsessional. So, Love Obsessional stalking is the category that most celebrity stalkers fall into. They convince themselves that they are in a relationship with the celebrity, usually someone that they've never met. For example, David Letterman had a stalker for 5 years who claimed to be his wife -
2090
2091Dick: Oh, yeah!
2092
2093Maddox: - even though they had no personal relationship.
2094
2095Dick: And that he was sending her secret encoded messages every night on TV.
2096
2097Maddox: Yeah! Yeah.
2098
2099Dick: Yeah, that was funny.
2100
2101Maddox: They believe that, yeah. Then the Erotomanic one -- that was the weird one, right? These comprise less than 10 percent of stalking cases. These stalkers genuinely believe that their victims are in love with them. Right? [quotes Wikipedia article] "Individuals who suffer from Erotomania tend to believe that the celebrity with whom they are obsessed is utilizing the media as a way to communicate - " what you just said, Dick " - with them by sending them special messages or signals."
2102
2103Dick: Yeah! That was her.
2104
2105Maddox: Usually -- right! It WAS her. And it's usually an indication of schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, or severe depression.
2106
2107Dick: You got two big ol' different problems here, though.
2108
2109Maddox: What's that?
2110
2111Dick: 'Cause you got the autism one caused by Jenny McCarthy...
2112
2113Maddox: Yeah.
2114
2115Dick: ...that's like, dangerous for people. Like uh, what if...I dunno, who's...? What if Lorde suddenly became a KKK member? That'd be bad.
2116
2117Maddox: Yeah, and I think some percentage of her fan base would look into it very seriously.
2118
2119Dick: Yeah! Yeah.
2120
2121Maddox: Yeah.
2122
2123Dick: But then you got THIS one; this is like, this is schizophrenic people! Right?
2124
2125Maddox: Well... (skeptical)
2126
2127Dick: That's not harm-...I mean, these people are crazy if there's celebrities or not.
2128
2129Maddox: But this is...this is the one part of it, right? But this is just the Erotomanic one. That's less than 10 percent of celebrity stalkers. But that's what celebrity worship leads to, is stalking. Uh, [continues quoting Wikipedia article] "One study found evidence to suggest that the intense-personal celebrity worship dimension was related to higher levels of depression and anxiety. Similarly, another study in 2004 found that the intense-personal celebrity worship dimension was not only related to higher levels of depression and anxiety, but also higher levels of stress, negative affect, and reports of illness." So all this, like, constant intense focus on celebrities in our culture is...
2130
2131Dick: Hm!
2132
2133Maddox: ...is kind of enabling people with mental disorders to become stalkers and to act on their insane delusions.
2134
2135Dick: Yeah, that's interesting.
2136
2137Maddox: Yeah! Celebrity Worship Disorder. But celebrity worship, really...if you have...if you look up to a celebrity and they happen to have a really shitty point of view -- like, for example, that creationism is the belief that we should adhere to over evolution, or that homosexuality is destructive to society, or that we shouldn't vaccinate our children -- isn't that a huge fuckin' problem, Dick? More so than, say, uh...I don't know, bro-downs?
2138
2139Dick: (inhales thoughtfully) No. (both laugh)
2140
2141Maddox: (buzzer sound effect) (sound clip of Angelo's mom saying, "Crazy!") (laughs more)
2142
2143Dick: What would it take...what if Godzilla came out as, like, a creationist? Would you stop being a Godzilla fan?
2144
2145Maddox: Godzilla's a fictional character, Dick. And he can't talk.
2146
2147Dick: What's the difference? All these celebrities are fictional fuckin' characters. That's the point. That's why it's weird when they come out with these hard stances on anything.
2148
2149Maddox: I don't -
2150
2151Dick: (interjects) 'Cause they're not REAL. You get this version of them that no human could possibly be.
2152
2153Maddox: Dick, but they're influencing legislation! Like in Kansas City, they tried to...I think they successfully got creationism to be taught alongside evolution in biology classes.
2154
2155Dick: Yeah!
2156
2157Maddox: You don't think that's a problem?? And it's people like Kirk Cameron who are backing this shit, with his celebrity power. Er, his star power.
2158
2159Dick: Yeah, I agree that it...I agree that it's a problem.
2160
2161Maddox: Yeah, it IS a big problem. Thank you. What's your next problem, Dick?
2162
2163Dick: My next problem...THIS is a more -- this is a bigger and more universal problem. 'Cause it affects *way* more people.
2164
2165Maddox: Okay. (amused)
2166
2167Dick: Undercooked rice.
2168
2169Maddox: FUCK you, Dick!! (explosively) (Dick laughs) I know exactly what this is! (buzzer sound effect) You piss me off! (shouting angrily)
2170
2171Dick: So... (mischievously) So, um, I got some stats for you. Rice is the main food for half the people in the world! Did you know that? (cheeky tone) But it was the food for ZERO people at Thanksgiving. (Maddox laughs) This year. 'Cause someone undercooked the rice. (breaking into a grin)
2172
2173Maddox: You're so fulla shit, dude! (sound clip of Angelo's mom yelling, "This guy is DUMB!")
2174
2175Dick: Hold on, I have more stats for ya.
2176
2177Maddox: Great.
2178
2179Dick: Rice is the source of one QUARTER of global per capita human energy. Did you know that?
2180
2181Maddox: Yeah. (smirking)
2182
2183Dick: A quarter of human energy, in the WORLD!
2184
2185Maddox: Wow! Real impressive, asshole.
2186
2187Dick: BUT, it was the source of one quarter of the *complaints* at Thanksgiving dinner this year.
2188
2189Maddox: Yeah. Real funny, Dick. Real -
2190
2191Dick: (interjects) 'Cause it was undercooked.
2192
2193Maddox: Real funny. (sound clip of Angelo's mom saying, "You suck.") Yeah.
2194
2195Dick: Yeah. (dismissively) 11 percent of the world's arable land is given over to rice cultivation. Did you know that? 500 million hectares.
2196
2197Maddox: Uh-huh. (sighs)
2198
2199Dick: But -- 11 percent! But 100 percent of the rice Maddox made for Thanksgiving was undercooked. (Maddox laughs)
2200
2201Maddox: Fuck you, Dick.
2202
2203Dick: These are interesting stats! Don't you think? (grinning)
2204
2205Maddox: I'm so tired of your shit! (Dick laughs) (sound clip of Angelo's mom yelling, "How DARE you!")
2206
2207Dick: And I got -- this one was particularly interesting: it takes 5,000 liters of water to produce a kilo of rice. HOWEVER, it only takes one guy to not cook rice enough to eat.
2208
2209Maddox: (sound clip of Dick yelling, "That's ridiculous!") Yeah, Dick. I actually... ( sound clip of Dick saying, "I got a stats for you.") (Dick laughs) I have a stats for ya, right? One hundred percent of the dishes...were made by other people at Thanksgiving. Dick brought NO side dishes. *Dick* brought nothing but Mount Gay alcohol that he drank all by himself.
2210
2211Dick: I also brought beer.
2212
2213Maddox: Great. (dryly)
2214
2215Dick: I brought a 30-pack of Bud Light for everyone...
2216
2217Maddox: Awesome.
2218
2219Dick: ...and I brought a 12-pack of, um...Fat Tire for me.
2220
2221Maddox: Yeah. (cracks up) Yeah, that you drank by yourself, like an asshole.
2222
2223Dick: You, you undercooked...
2224
2225Maddox: No, it wasn't. No, it wasn't.
2226
2227Dick: ...the rice at Thanksgiving.
2228
2229Maddox: No, it wasn't undercooked.
2230
2231Dick: I just -- so everyone knows what we're talking about.
2232
2233Maddox: Yeah.
2234
2235Dick: Some...SOMEONE made undercooked rice at Thanksgiving.
2236
2237Maddox: (talking over Dick) It's not undercooked. You're a moron.
2238
2239Dick: It was cr-...well, how would you determine if rice is undercooked or not? I wanna be scientific and objective about this.
2240
2241Maddox: Well, if the grains of rice are crunchy...
2242
2243Dick: Yes. (smiling)
2244
2245Maddox: ...it's undercooked.
2246
2247Dick: Bingo! They were.
2248
2249Maddox: Right? But they *weren't.* (Dick laughs) You know what WAS crunchy in my rice...'kay? (Dick keeps laughing) So here's, here's the full story. I was invited to a Thanksgiving party, and I said right up top, "Hey guys, I'll make a fuckin' badass pie! Better than any fuckin' grandma can make!" 'Cause that's what I do, man! (yelling) I take Grandma's recipes and BLOW them outta the water, baby! I make 'em WAY better than they were.
2250
2251Dick: That's true! I love your, uh, your pies.
2252
2253Maddox: Yeah! And I made this beautiful, lattice-top apple pie with intertwined lattices on top, crust from scratch...it was delicious. And THEN I also noticed that multiple people were bringing pies, so I thought, "Well, I don't wanna be that guy bringing extra pie to a party!"
2254
2255Dick: It's a showy thing to bring.
2256
2257Maddox: What, PIE?!
2258
2259Dick: Yeah.
2260
2261Maddox: YOU'RE a showy thing to bring!
2262
2263Dick: You get -- nonononono, I'm saying everybody brings it because they...it's like a newborn.
2264
2265Maddox: No...
2266
2267Dick: At a potluck. Like, "Look at this beautiful pie I made." No one appreciates...a big bowl of rice. Especially if it's undercooked!
2268
2269Maddox: Yeah. Yeah, Dick. Uh, I'm getting to that. (Dick laughs) So I noticed all these people are bringin' pie, so I said, "You know what, guys? Instead of pie, I'll bring my FESTIVE Motherfuckin' Rice." And that's what I call it, OR, my Hella Festive Rice. Right? But...I decided at the last minute, "You know what?"
2270
2271Dick: Uh-oh!
2272
2273Maddox: "I'm gonna go all out, and I'm gonna bring both! I'm gonna bring pie...AND rice."
2274
2275Dick: Uh-huh. (amused)
2276
2277Maddox: And so I have this recipe from my mom, who's a great cook...
2278
2279Dick: Right.
2280
2281Maddox: ...and she makes this pilaf rice. Right? With, uh, with a bunch of interesting -- like delicious things, like chestnuts and cranberries and apricots, and, and...almonds, and walnuts, and all sorts of, like, interesting stuff with wild rice, and she makes this DELICIOUS dish for Thanksgiving.
2282
2283Dick: Uh-huh.
2284
2285Maddox: It's kind of a Mediterranean recipe, 'cause my mom's from that region of the world, right? So I looked it up online to find a recipe like that, and I found one! And part of that recipe called for...toasted slivers of almonds.
2286
2287Dick: Yeah.
2288
2289Maddox: And THAT'S what I put in my rice, and that's what every *fucking* uneducated, uncultured MORON, who's used to eating just boring mashed potatoes with slabs of butter like a fucking DOUCHE, thought was crunchy! (Dick sighs) They thought it was undercooked rice! 'Cause they don't...they don't even have a refined enough palate to determine when their tongue is eating something CLEARLY that's an almond, versus a grain of rice! (yelling angrily) That's impossible to undercook, 'cause I'm not a fucking DOPE.
2290
2291Dick: Buddy, I know the difference between almonds and rice.
2292
2293Maddox: Yeah. (skeptical)
2294
2295Dick: Let me start with that. (smiling)
2296
2297Maddox: No, you don't.
2298
2299Dick: I...I *do.*
2300
2301Maddox: You don't!
2302
2303Dick: I do!
2304
2305Maddox: I MADE it for ya, and you failed the test! 'Cause you thought the rice was undercooked! (cracking up)
2306
2307Dick: I could look at it with my eyeballs, and pluck out the almonds. (cheekily)
2308
2309Maddox: Dick, you are such a dumb shit. (Dick laughs) I ate the rice after it was cooked to make sure that it was COOKED, and THEN I added the almonds, which were crunchy! And that's what the recipe calls for. In fact, I have a recipe up on my screen, Dick!
2310
2311Dick: Yeah, the... (dying from laughter)
2312
2313Maddox: It's called Apricot Almond Rice Pilaf, and here's what the description right up top. It says, "This rice pilaf recipe combines crunchy almonds and sweet, chewy apricots for an easy dinner side with Mediterranean flair." (matter of factly) [ http://www.goodhousekeeping.com/recipefinder/apricot-almond-rice-pilaf-recipe-ghk0413 ]
2314
2315Dick: Yeah!
2316
2317Maddox: That's what -
2318
2319Dick: (interjects) I know that that's the RECIPE...
2320
2321Maddox: No you don't!!
2322
2323Dick: Well, I -
2324
2325Maddox: (interjects) You thought it was crunchy rice, like a fucking ape! (shouting)
2326
2327Dick: I thought it was uncooked rice! It wasn't big slivers of rice, it was just the TIPS of the rice.
2328
2329Maddox: It wasn't the tips. (chuckling) I got a tip for ya! (Dick laughs)
2330
2331Dick: Look, what would it take to convince you? What if I got sworn affidavits? Anonymous affidavits from everyone at Thanksgiving.
2332
2333Maddox: So, here's...while Dick is being a huge asshole, (Dick cackles loudly) not contributing anything to the party, and I'm SLAVING away making rice dishes, festive motherfuckin' rice dishes with almond slivers -- TOASTED almond slivers, no less...
2334
2335Dick: Yeah. (disdainful)
2336
2337Maddox: ...I brought this delicious rice dish to the party. Which, by the way, there was less than a third left when I left the party! Most people ate the rice. Uh, but someone at the party -- and Dick denies this -- but someone at the party went around and, as a joke, started telling people, "Hey man, why don't you shit on Maddox's dish?" Because I was wearing this awesome pilgrim hat at the party. I looked like a -
2338
2339Dick: (interjects) So you wanna...you wanna take that as "shit on Maddox's rice." (sneering)
2340
2341Maddox: Yeah. "Shit on Maddox's rice." Right?
2342
2343Dick: Yeah. (amused) Shitting on Maddox's DICK would be something that I would...
2344
2345Maddox: No! I said "dish"! (annoyed) I said... (cracks up)
2346
2347Dick: ...that would be a funny prank that *I* would try to do. Shitting on the rice, little too subtle. (grinning)
2348
2349Maddox: Great. (about to laugh) I said "dish," asshole. (Dick laughs) So I'm wearing this...this beautiful pilgrim hat, right? I look like a fuckin' PILGRIM, like a badass! And I was the HIT of the party, baby! (yelling) I'm walkin' in, makin' jokes, keepin' things lively!
2350
2351Dick: Mm. (skeptical)
2352
2353Maddox: NOT throwin' oranges at beer pong tables, NOT pissin' people off! And everyone's like, "You know what? Maddox is ridin' high. Let's knock him down a peg. Let's shit on Maddox's good time and his good dish, flavored with a little pinch of sage, and a...and a dash of rosemary! What a delicious dish with wild rice, toasted almond slivers, and cranberries! What a DELICIOUS dish." Right?? (still yelling)
2354
2355Dick: Yeah.
2356
2357Maddox: But instead, some jealous prick at that party (Dick cracks up) walked around and told everybody, "Hey man, as a prank, why don't you shit on Maddox's dish?" And so the first girl did it and I thought, "Okay, I see what's goin' on."
2358
2359Dick: A GIRL did it first.
2360
2361Maddox: Yeah...yeah, yeah. A girl did it.
2362
2363Dick: Oh, that's a lot -- you're sayin' a GIRL started this prank?
2364
2365Maddox: Yeah yeah yeah!
2366
2367Dick: I don't know, man.
2368
2369Maddox: Nonono, she's the first person who SAID it, but someone told her to do it. Right? Then, THEN -
2370
2371Dick: (interjects) I...that sounds like a pretty big conspiracy to me. (teasing)
2372
2373Maddox: Yeah. (smiling) No, this isn't a conspiracy, 'cause I found out! So then, someone else did it. And then a THIRD person did it. And then by the fourth person, people are running out of ways to shit on my rice! So somebody said, "Oh, and it's undercooked." I'm like, "Uh-uh, uh-uh." ( buzzer sound effect) "I gotta buzz ya on that one." (buzzer sound effect) "NOT undercooked. It's actually almond slivers, ya dipshit." (scathingly)
2374
2375Dick: Uh...
2376
2377Maddox: Dick, don't you think I know how to cook rice?! (yelling)
2378
2379Dick: Uh...yeah! (hesitantly) I ate the rice.
2380
2381Maddox: (sound clip of Angelo's mom yelling, "Go to hell and STAY there!")
2382
2383Dick: Bacillus cereus? That's, uh, that's a type of bacteria... (Maddox laughs)
2384
2385Maddox: Fuck you, Dick! (through giggles)
2386
2387Dick: ...you can get from undercooked rice.
2388
2389Maddox: Piece of shit!
2390
2391Dick: It competes with, uh, with salmonella! It can cause emetic vomiting, nausea-inducing strain...uh, when rice is undercooked.
2392
2393Maddox: (inhales thoughtfully) You know, Dick, I -
2394
2395Dick: (interjects) It can lead to vomiting and...within the first 24 hours. (trailing off)
2396
2397Maddox: I...I would have *loved* nothing more, knowing what pricks you guys were gonna be (Dick giggles) at that Thanksgiving dinner -
2398
2399Dick: Uh-huh.
2400
2401Maddox: - than to undercook my rice and make all of you sick and/or kill all of you. Like I would...I would just go home and sleep like a baby. I'd be like, "Welp! You know, the rice was undercooked but they were assholes! They had it comin'."
2402
2403Dick: Lectin. (Maddox cracks up) That's something else that comes from undercooked rice. It's a protein that serves as a natural insecticide, with a strong affinity for carbohydrates. Insecticide, that's in undercooked rice. This is a big problem! All these people are eating it, I'm saying. This is a big, global problem. Undercooked rice. It's not all...it's not -
2404
2405Maddox: (interjects) (sound clip of Angelo's mom yelling, "I never heard such a dumb thing!")
2406
2407Dick: It's not ALL about you. You're just one tiny part of it.
2408
2409Maddox: Yeah. (quietly) Anything else, Dick? You have... (stammers) ...any way else you wanna shit on my generosity, good will, and hard work? (raising his voice)
2410
2411Dick: Uh, the outer cellulose on rice?
2412
2413Maddox: Uh-huh. (dryly)
2414
2415Dick: It doesn't get broken down.
2416
2417Maddox: Yeah.
2418
2419Dick: If it's undercooked. Uh, it can lead to poor digestion.
2420
2421Maddox: I'm gonna break down your outer coating after this show. (quietly; menacing) (Dick cracks up)
2422
2423Dick: You're about to have a bro-down.
2424
2425Maddox: Yeah.
2426
2427Dick: Here.
2428
2429Maddox: My vein is fucking bulging right now. (Dick laughs harder) Guess which one.
2430
2431Dick: That's it, it just -- it screws with your digestive health.
2432
2433Maddox: Yeah! (sarcastic)
2434
2435Dick: I mean, that's a problem for this...for, uh, all these people...
2436
2437Maddox: Mhm.
2438
2439Dick: ...eating rice.
2440
2441Maddox: Yeah.
2442
2443Dick: That's what I'm saying. Global -- GLOBALLY!
2444
2445Maddox: Globally! (mocking)
2446
2447Dick: Globally, rice probably gets undercooked a lot! You know?
2448
2449Maddox: Probably not, Dick. It's one of the easiest things to cook.
2450
2451Dick: You'd THINK that, but then at Thanksgiving you fucked it up! (laughs hysterically)
2452
2453Maddox: I didn't fuck it up, ya MORON. You FUCKING ape, you fucking monkey. (monkeys whooping sound effect) That's what you are. (suddenly yells) Guys, vote up monkeys, 'cause Dick's one of 'em!! Biggest problem in the universe, Dick Masterson!
2454
2455Dick: Main food for half the people in the world, man.
2456
2457Maddox: Yeah.
2458
2459Dick: Imagine if half of the people in the world had to eat undercooked rice. We'd have a big...we'd have an epidemic! (wryly)
2460
2461Maddox: (sound clip of Angelo's mom yelling, "You dumb shit!") Okay. I'm DONE. I'm done. I don't care if ya got more BULLSHIT-ass stats, Dick. 'Cause I got a real problem.
2462
2463Dick: What? (smiling)
2464
2465Maddox: Hipsters! [plays clip from song "Being a Dickhead's Cool": https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lVmmYMwFj1I]
2466
2467Dick: Hipsters?!
2468
2469(upbeat synths and drums)
2470
2471Male Singer: I love my life as a dickheeeead! All my friends are dickheeeeads too!
2472
2473Dick: 'Kay.
2474
2475Maddox: Hipsters, buddy! You know what that song -- that's from, uh, Reuben...I think, Reuben Dangoor. [clip fades out] That was a song on YouTube called "Being a Dickhead's Cool," and it came out about hipsters a while back. Hipsters!
2476
2477Dick: (interjects) I love that song. That's a classic.
2478
2479Maddox: It's a classic! It's a great song, and it's about hipsters!
2480
2481Dick: Yeah.
2482
2483Maddox: Which are a big problem. Alright, Dick. Long time ago when I was in college, in my level 101 Philosophy course, the first thing my professor said on the first day of class was, "Philosophy can't be defined." I remember writing "this is bullshit" down in my notes. (chuckling) 'Kay? 'Cause I hate it when people try to ascribe the attribute "undefinable" to a large, well-known group. Specifically, hipsters! And undefinable is what hipsters would like you to THINK they are. And they've come closer than ANY other group before them of capturing this dubious honor. Even more so than goths! You believe that, Dick?
2484
2485Dick: Goths are undefinable??
2486
2487Maddox: Well, they'd like to think they are! But they're -
2488
2489Dick: (interjects) They all dress in black all the time! (Maddox laughs)
2490
2491Maddox: Exactly.
2492
2493Dick: And talk about despair.
2494
2495Maddox: Yeah! And hip--
2496
2497Dick: (interjects) How is that undefinable?
2498
2499Maddox: Right, and hipsters have their uniform too. They don't like to be defined, yet they listen to indie and non-mainstream music...
2500
2501Dick: Yeah.
2502
2503Maddox: ...they shop at vintage and thrift stores; they're either politically progressive or liberal; they eat organic, locally-grown, sustainable food; you know, all these buzzwords. They like those to be on the labels, right? Or at least they *think* they do. They dress in skinny jeans or wear Toms, and wear loafers without socks, which makes their feet STINK. Hipsters smell!
2504
2505Dick: H'okay. (chuckling)
2506
2507Maddox: Their feet REEK! I got in an argument one time on IRC with this guy who SWORE up and down that wearing loafers without socks doesn't make your feet smell. I'm like, "Yes, it does!"
2508
2509Dick: Loafers are leather sandals?
2510
2511Maddox: Yeah, loafers are like, leather business shoes without socks.
2512
2513Dick: Oh, yeah. Okay.
2514
2515Maddox: I -
2516
2517Dick: (interjects) Yeah, those are gonna stink.
2518
2519Maddox: Yeah, they're gonna stink because the sweat STAYS...the sweat and bacteria that's growing on your feet, that are sweating all day in that warm, damp environment that's a PERFECT cauldron of bacteria?
2520
2521Dick: Yeah.
2522
2523Maddox: You couldn't find a petri dish more perfect than a loafer with no socks on. (raising his voice) That's what you're wearing day after day without washing it! When you wear socks, you sweat into the socks and then CHANGE them every day, so it diminishes the amount of bacteria that sits around in your shoes, you FUCKING idiots!
2524
2525Dick: Yeah, but this is something that all hipsters do? Not wear socks in...moccasins, or whatever?
2526
2527Maddox: No. Most of them. It -
2528
2529Dick: (interjects) Uh... (sighs, puzzled) Heh, do you have a stats for that, or is that just your argument over IRC? (amused)
2530
2531Maddox: Yeah. My stats is just seeing them all over the fuckin' world.
2532
2533Dick: Oho, 'kay. (scoffing)
2534
2535Maddox: They don't stand for anything. This is one of my big problems with hipsters; they don't stand for anything! Right? They don't create anything new. All they do is reappropriate other cultures and decades before them. They're not creating new art, they're not creating new...new, uh, music, new TV shows, new anything! Hipsters just reappropriate the '80s and '90s and '70s.
2536
2537Dick: What about all those...that music you say they listen to, though?
2538
2539Maddox: Indie music. Indie music has always been around, but they specifically just listen to, uh, indie music. I guess there's kind of, like, a hipster indie music now...indie scene.
2540
2541Dick: Yeah, sure!
2542
2543Maddox: Yeah...
2544
2545Dick: What about like, Arcade Fire? Is that a hipster band?
2546
2547Maddox: It is. But they also listen to it only up until the point it becomes popular, and once it becomes mainstream they stop listening to it. And no, that's not a stereotype. So, as I mentioned...they stink.
2548
2549Dick: Yeah.
2550
2551Maddox: They only drink really shitty beer, like PBR, *or* really expensive craft beer.
2552
2553Dick: Well, you got me now.
2554
2555Maddox: Yeah.
2556
2557Dick: Because I hate the PBRs all over the place.
2558
2559Maddox: PBR is the worst.
2560
2561Dick: It's disgusting. I don't care if Dennis Hopper drank it in, uh, Blue Velvet. It's gross.
2562
2563Maddox: You know, Dick, the first time -- I have a story. The first time I ever tried PBR, it was at a party, and I've always seen the hipsters drink it and I thought, "You know, that beer...I'm not gonna try." But this is the ONLY beer this fuckin' hipster party had. So I reach into the bucket and I pulled out a PBR, cracked it open, took a sip, and it was...I spit it out because I thought, "Oh, I must've drank the water that was around the rim!" (Dick laughs)
2564
2565Dick: Yeah.
2566
2567Maddox: Right? The ice water. So I spit it out, I wiped the rim clean, make sure there's no more ice water on it, and I drank another sip (cracking up) and I spit it out again!
2568
2569Dick: Yeah.
2570
2571Maddox: That was the actual beer. It tastes SO godawful. It tastes like...it tastes like a bucket of ice water.
2572
2573Dick: No, you know what...what hipsters have always made me think of, regarding their beer especially, is like, kids who are drinking when their parents are away for the first time?
2574
2575Maddox: Right.
2576
2577Dick: Like 13-year-old kids, just trying to ease their way into beer.
2578
2579Maddox: Right.
2580
2581Dick: Because they didn't do it when they were younger! Now they're adults and they're like, "Uh-oh. I'm totally insecure about beer."
2582
2583Maddox: Yeah.
2584
2585Dick: "But I gotta do it 'cause I'm an adult, so maybe I'll just...GLOM onto this shitty beer. 'Cause I don't know the difference."
2586
2587Maddox: Yeah, well, that's a good theory Dick. My theory, though, is that they do it for the *aesthetic.* And that leads me to my next -
2588
2589Dick: (interjects) Yeah, that's true.
2590
2591Maddox: Yeah! That leads me to my BIGGEST problem with hipsters: they're insincere. Which is a word I've used to describe you, Dick. You may be the biggest hipster of all!
2592
2593Dick: No, I've been called a hipster before.
2594
2595Maddox: Yeah! I believe it.
2596
2597Dick: I've been called everything, probably, but...
2598
2599Maddox: Yeah. (chuckling) Yeah, you have!
2600
2601Dick: ...I've been called a hipster.
2602
2603Maddox: So they're insincere, Dick. They use poverty as their main aesthetic, which is...really disrespectful to people who are actually poor. The skinny jeans look that hipsters like to wear -- they like to wear skinny jeans, right? That came from people in school who outgrew their jeans, but couldn't afford to buy new ones. I knew that kid in school! He wore these jeans that looked like they were crawling up on his legs, so...so they looked like they were too short. That's the hipster aesthetic!
2604
2605Dick: I don't know that that's where it COMES from.
2606
2607Maddox: That's where I believe it comes from!
2608
2609Dick: That's not the etymology of skinny jeans, that's a deliberate FASHION choice.
2610
2611Maddox: Skinny jeans??
2612
2613Dick: Yeah!
2614
2615Maddox: Of course! Yeah.
2616
2617Dick: It didn't come from POOR kids, did it?
2618
2619Maddox: Well, that's what -- hipsters like to look poor. So these jeans look too tight on them, not...not out of vanity, but out of necessity! So the hipsters kinda glommed onto that 'cause they want to give the appearance that they are poor, that they are of the earth, of the working class. They didn't want to wear skinny jeans; they HAD to. The poor people.
2620
2621Dick: Hm.
2622
2623Maddox: Right? And now hipsters are mocking their poverty by turning it into vanity. Yet they're all rich! They're entitled Millenials who live off of their parents' income.
2624
2625Dick: You got alotta "all"s in here. *All* hipsters are rich?
2626
2627Maddox: Most of them.
2628
2629Dick: You don't think they're -- really?!
2630
2631Maddox: Yeah!
2632
2633Dick: What percentage of hipsters do you think are rich?
2634
2635Maddox: Well, if they're not rich...I would say at least 50 percent. If they're not rich, then they're living off their parents.
2636
2637Dick: Well, I'll tell you something that I DO know. Uh, the Millenial generation is like, buying houses at a shockingly low rate.
2638
2639Maddox: Yeah!
2640
2641Dick: Houses and expensive cars? They just buy the cheapest of everything. I think it's just 'cause they don't...CARE as much as we do, as Generation X, about that stuff. Like they don't see a car as a symbol of anything anymore.
2642
2643Maddox: Yeah.
2644
2645Dick: A car, for us -- and I think specifically for us, definitely for our parents -- was something that you use to access the world.
2646
2647Maddox: Right.
2648
2649Dick: Right? Like when you were 16 and when I was 16, you got a car, all of a sudden you're free. And they've grown up in this world where the Internet's always at their -- the world's always at their fingertips.
2650
2651Maddox: Right.
2652
2653Dick: So, is it really -- is it trying to LOOK poor, or is it just not having the same values as us?
2654
2655Maddox: Well, they don't have the drive, they don't have the same values. Also they're lazy; they're not getting jobs, they're living with their parents.
2656
2657Dick: Mmm... (skeptical)
2658
2659Maddox: If they're not living with their parents, then their parents are paying for them to come out to Hollywood and become writers.
2660
2661Dick: Well...
2662
2663Maddox: So that's why you walk into a coffee shop and every fucking hipster ROLLS their eyes as soon as you walk in. They don't wanna give you good service...you know what, dickhead? I know you haven't sold your script yet, but serve me my fucking coffee without the attitude.
2664
2665Dick: Uh-huh.
2666
2667Maddox: Okay? I walk into a coffee shop in Koreatown...the Korean work ethic is COMPLETELY different. They -- they're wearing suits, they're wearing ties, they're wearing APRONS. They look nice, they greet you with "hello" and "thank you"...
2668
2669Dick: Yeah.
2670
2671Maddox: ...and "goodbye"! They come to your table, the service is snappy, and they care about their product! (yelling)
2672
2673Dick: Yeah...
2674
2675Maddox: That's what I miss! We've LOST that.
2676
2677Dick: Do you think everybody under 25 is a hipster?
2678
2679Maddox: No. (chuckling) No, definitely not.
2680
2681Dick: Okay.
2682
2683Maddox: So, here's -- I wanna go on. They've ruined handlebar mustaches. (Dick smirks) Right, Dick? They all look like 1920s boxers, but they're all frail, thin-framed PUSSIES who are too passive, doughy, and mush-mouthed to fight for ANYTHING that doesn't start with the word "star" and end with the word "bucks."
2684
2685Dick: Heh, okay. (unsure) Starbucks is a little...little old.
2686
2687Maddox: Yeah, well, they're still -- they're -
2688
2689Dick: (interjects) Intelligentsia now.
2690
2691Maddox: No no, that's what they LIKE. They're fighting against Starbucks. They're raging against the machine.
2692
2693Dick: Oh, fighting *against* Starbucks. Yeah.
2694
2695Maddox: Yeah.
2696
2697Dick: Okay.
2698
2699Maddox: Our fathers' generation stared down Nazis and gutted them with bayonets. Right? The hipster generation fights its battles by buying overpriced coffee and artisanal bread. (disdainful) That's the battleground we're at! Our fathers' generation believed in prayer, hard work, and charity. Hipsters believe in good vibes, positive energy, and locally-grown vegetables.
2700
2701Dick: Yeah! (quietly)
2702
2703Maddox: Bunch of FUCKIN' assholes.
2704
2705Dick: That's the...you would rather have prayer than -
2706
2707Maddox: PUSSIES.
2708
2709Dick: - locally-grown vegetables? (cracking up)
2710
2711Maddox: You know what, man? At least you had good fuckin' intentions, rather than JUDGMENT. That's all...that's all the good vibes thing is. Like, everyone on Facebook is too afraid to say, "Pray for me 'cause my family's sick." Everyone always says, "Gimme good thoughts and positive energy!" What's the difference??
2712
2713Dick: Uh...I don't know.
2714
2715Maddox: No.
2716
2717Dick: I don't know how to answer that. What's the difference between "pray for me" and "give me good vibes"?
2718
2719Maddox: There's no difference.
2720
2721Dick: Why does it upset you?
2722
2723Maddox: Because they're...they're only doin' it because of some vanity issue. They want to appear hip and edgy, and like they're progressive and liberal, but they're not! They're the exact same as our fathers' generation, just a PUSSIER version of it. They're TOO COWARDLY to stand for anything. They don't stand for anything!!
2724
2725Dick: Why do they...why do they HAVE to?
2726
2727Maddox: Because if you don't stand for anything, you'll fall for anything! (yelling) (Dick laughs)
2728
2729Dick: Ha! I don't...just because something *sounds* good, doesn't make it true!
2730
2731Maddox: Well, that's true!
2732
2733Dick: Like what do you mean, just 'cause they don't stand for anyth-- like, what would you...prefer them to stand for? You like ideological battlegrounds.
2734
2735Maddox: Yeah.
2736
2737Dick: Is that an accurate statement?
2738
2739Maddox: No.
2740
2741Dick: ...Okay.
2742
2743Maddox: Not as a principle!
2744
2745Dick: Then what's...? Well then, what does it mean to just stand for something for the sake of standing for something?
2746
2747Maddox: Well, it's not. (exasperated) If you stand for something...like, for example, our fathers' generation stood for a lot of virtues that we've kind of lost today. Like hard work! Why don't you stand for hard work??
2748
2749Dick: I think...I think that's YOUR father's generation. 'Cause we got -- our fathers are in different generations! Remember?
2750
2751Maddox: Well, that's true!
2752
2753Dick: Yeah.
2754
2755Maddox: So you don't think hard work is a virtue, Dick?
2756
2757Dick: (exhales thoughtfully) Uh...it depends.
2758
2759Maddox: Dick, everything -
2760
2761Dick: (interjects) If you're, uh, if you're building a Nazi war machine, I don't know necessarily that it's a virtue. (chuckling)
2762
2763Maddox: Well, that's true, but they...they lost the war because of our fathers' generation. OUR fathers' generation.
2764
2765Dick: YOUR father's generation.
2766
2767Maddox: Well, fine. They ride fixed gear bikes for the aesthetic...they're not more functional but they *look* cool. Right? You know what else looks cool? Not having to push your bike up a hill because you're too much of a DIPSHIT to get a bike with gears. A practical bike!
2768
2769Dick: Yeah.
2770
2771Maddox: Yeah! They clog bandwidth at every fucking concert or event with a nonstop stream of shitty Instagram photos.
2772
2773Dick: Hmm.
2774
2775Maddox: Newsflash: your life isn't that fucking interesting to document 3 or 4 times per HOUR. Nobody cares! (yelling) Our fathers parachuted out of planes and fist-fought FASCISTS, and they only have a few shitty black-and-white photos to commemorate it! That and permanent injuries. SCARS. Which hipsters don't have. While you eat cornmeal and blueberry pancakes and take 3 photos of them from different angles for your shitty Tumblr blog that nobody reads.
2776
2777Dick: Yeah. (unsure)
2778
2779Maddox: That's what we're dealing with! These fuckin' hipsters. They listen to intentionally inferior formats like vinyl to stay in line with their hipster aesthetic.
2780
2781Dick: Vinyl isn't inferior.
2782
2783Maddox: Yes, it -- ohh! (laughing derisively) Here we go, Dick!
2784
2785Dick: It's different. (smiling) No, nonononononono.
2786
2787Maddox: You hipster. (grinning)
2788
2789Dick: Analog...yeah. Records are different than CDs.
2790
2791Maddox: Yeah.
2792
2793Dick: They're ref-...I'm sorry. CDs? (cracking up) Records are different than MP3s.
2794
2795Maddox: Yeah, they have shittier sound fidelity.
2796
2797Dick: No, they're better, man! Do you understand the technology that goes into a record versus an MP3?
2798
2799Maddox: Yeah!
2800
2801Dick: It's...it's compressed! It's necessarily worse!
2802
2803Maddox: No, it's not.
2804
2805Dick: There's no warmth! Yes, it is.
2806
2807Maddox: You can have fla-...you can have uncompressed formats! And also, Dick, there is a granularity with which we cannot discern any difference between quality. You've seen waveforms, right?
2808
2809Dick: Yeah!
2810
2811Maddox: The Fourier series?
2812
2813Dick: Yeah.
2814
2815Maddox: You've seen waveforms...?
2816
2817Dick: I know what a waveform is.
2818
2819Maddox: Yeah, yeah!
2820
2821Dick: I'm looking at several right now. (wryly) (Maddox laughs)
2822
2823Maddox: Great! (sarcastic) But same thing with, uh, resolution on monitors. That's why I brought in that 4K problem, because there's a certain point at which our eyes and ears cannot perceive any difference in quality!
2824
2825Dick: I don't know why you hate that -- like, it's fun! To listen to a vinyl.
2826
2827Maddox: Oh, GREAT. (annoyed) It's fun.
2828
2829Dick: It is! It's fun.
2830
2831Maddox: Yeah.
2832
2833Dick: What's the purpose of listening to music? Fun!
2834
2835Maddox: Relax...
2836
2837Dick: Enjoyment.
2838
2839Maddox: ...work...
2840
2841Dick: So it's more enjoyable for them to listen through a vinyl -- like, let's forget all the tech-nerd stuff. It's just more fun for them to use a vinyl! It's reliving an experience...it's reliving a more human experience that we don't have access to today with all these stupid gizmos and gadgets. Something about -- which is fine! What is the problem with that??
2842
2843Maddox: Dick, they're not reliving anything, 'cause they didn't live it the FIRST time. They're posing!! They're posers. It's all about looks and aesthetics, dude. They just wanna look like they're...cultured and they have some reason, some higher-level reason, to listen to vinyl. Because there's more SOUL in vinyl, man. (heavily mocking)
2844
2845Dick: There is! (quietly)
2846
2847Maddox: "Hipsters"...starts with "hippies"! Huh?
2848
2849Dick: Ehh...
2850
2851Maddox: Hipsters and hippies.
2852
2853Dick: I don't know why you hate...you hate them a lot on their wardrobe.
2854
2855Maddox: Oh, I hate everything about them.
2856
2857Dick: But who doesn't have a wardrobe? What group doesn't have...
2858
2859Maddox: ME!
2860
2861Dick: ...a wardrobe? You, you wear...you're wearing a Kool-Aid Man shirt right now. (slowly for emphasis)
2862
2863Maddox: So?
2864
2865Dick: That goes, that -- Kool-Aid Man? Your jack-o'-lantern pumpkin face? A BRIGHT orange, obnoxious shirt with a jack-o'-lantern face on it?
2866
2867Maddox: Pretty cool!
2868
2869Dick: A giant Godzilla shirt?
2870
2871Maddox: Awesome.
2872
2873Dick: A Contra shirt?
2874
2875Maddox: Yeah!
2876
2877Dick: You don't see the similarities between all these?
2878
2879Maddox: No! Other than they're awesome.
2880
2881Dick: Like, the video game hipster shit?
2882
2883Maddox: What, is awesome now a uniform?! 'Cause that's what I wear all the time, baby. (raising his voice) (Dick laughs)
2884
2885Dick: I don't know. That's awfully arbitrary to bust somebody on their fashion, I think.
2886
2887Maddox: No, it's not! Their fashion is...it's a uniform! They try to be individual, but they all stick together and they dress similarly, listen to similar music, shop for similar CLOTHES, they have similar philosophies...
2888
2889Dick: Yeah, it's -
2890
2891Maddox: ...they're all fucking PUSSIES together. That's what they are.
2892
2893Dick: It's called a culture! (incredulous)
2894
2895Maddox: Yeah. You know what it's called?
2896
2897Dick: That's what it is!
2898
2899Maddox: No!
2900
2901Dick: What do they do that's so bad?? Besides not buy a lot of shit and not listen to the same music you listen to?
2902
2903Maddox: Oh, I'll tell you what, Dick. No, I don't *want* them to listen to my music. I would HATE that. They gentrify neighborhoods, while simultaneously bitching about gentrified neighborhoods! (Dick guffaws) They are their own biggest problem, Dick! And if they'd only pull their heads out of their asses to come up and BREATHE every now and then?
2904
2905Dick: Yeah. (skeptical)
2906
2907Maddox: They'd see themselves for what they are! Non-contributing NOBODIES. And they'd throw themselves off the Brooklyn Bridge, so that their smelly, insincere death grip on cities like Williamsburg in New York, Wicker Park in Chicago, The Mission in San Francisco, and Shoreditch and Camden Town in London can go back to being functional cities again! (shouting)
2908
2909Dick: Yeah...I don't know where the line...what is a hipster and what isn't a hipster anymore. 'Cause you got all that stuff, but is the guy who made Tumblr a hipster or not? Are the kids -- are the Millenials that are driving the future of technology, are they ALL hipsters? Or is it just the ones wearing skinny jeans? To you?
2910
2911Maddox: Hipsters, Dick, for the most part are underachieving, unachieved, unaccomplished nobodies.
2912
2913Dick: So, is that...is that part of the definition? Do they have to be underachieving and unaccomplished no-ones?
2914
2915Maddox: That's what it says!
2916
2917Dick: But what...
2918
2919Maddox: The definition -- I looked it up! That's what it says: they're underachieving and unaccomplished.
2920
2921Dick: Oh, okay.
2922
2923Maddox: Yeah. (amused)
2924
2925Dick: Well then, I guess you want them to be working like, in the salt mines?
2926
2927Maddox: Dick, lemme ask -- lemme just describe this scenario. This is a real-life scenario. I know this guy who went to American Eagle and bought a new polo shirt. Brand new! Took it home with a pair of scissors, and cut the American Eagle logo out of it. And wore it around like a DIPSHIT with a hole in his shirt.
2928
2929Dick: Ha! Yeah, I mean...
2930
2931Maddox: What do you...?! What's the fucking POINT, asshole?? You're ruining your own fucking shirt! WHY DID YOU DO THAT?! (beside himself)
2932
2933Dick: So, you're pissed about them wearing the same clothes, but then when they try to do somethin' new...
2934
2935Maddox: THEY'RE NOT DOING SOMETHIN' NEW, MAN!! (roaring) Your shirt gets old and get holes in it! Look, I have a...I have a pair of jeans in my closet that looks cool as shit! Looks like designer jeans, 'cause the knee's torn, I have a hole in my pocket...
2936
2937Dick: Ohh!
2938
2939Maddox: ..but it BECAME that way...it became that way through lots of wear and tear, not because I bought it and fucking put scissors to my own clothes, like an IDIOT! Like a DIPSHIT. I wanna wear my clothes, I want it to LAST a while! That's why I don't wear Toms!!
2940
2941Dick: So, it's okay to look poor, as long as you wore the jeans in over years instead of...manually.
2942
2943Maddox: It's not that I -
2944
2945Dick: (interjects) Is that what you're saying?
2946
2947Maddox: It's not that I look *poor.* I'm not trying to look poor!
2948
2949Dick: Well, with the holes-in-jeans look. What do the holes in the jeans say, then?
2950
2951Maddox: Well, no longer poor! Now they look hip! Unintentionally so.
2952
2953Dick: Why?
2954
2955Maddox: Why? Because fuckin' hipsters made it...made it look cool! Look, if I grew up in the '80s, or early in the '80s and I had jeans like that and they got holes? I would throw those jeans away because everyone would look at me and be like, "Well, that guy's poor." But NOW I can just wear those around, and now it's a hip thing! And people think oh, I musta spent lots of money on those jeans. No! No, dipshit! These jeans are just old.
2956
2957Dick: I don't know if anyone would assume that about you. (Maddox chuckles) That you spent a lot of money on your jeans. (Maddox laughs more)
2958
2959Maddox: FUCK you, Dick!
2960
2961Dick: I know -- like, I get the rage. Well...okay, I understand that you HAVE a lot of rage for hipsters, but I don't under-...I honestly don't understand why.
2962
2963Maddox: Their insincerity doesn't bother you, Dick? The fact that they don't stand for anything doesn't bother you?
2964
2965Dick: Well... (sighs) I don't need them to explain why they like what they like. Like, I don't need them to give me a sincere explanation of why they like alternative music. You know?
2966
2967Maddox: I don't care that they like alternative music. They like it because it's, they think that they are...uh, that they are TRAILBLAZERS, Dick. They think they are cultural trailblazers. (heavily mocking) They think they're SO fuckin' smart.
2968
2969Dick: Doesn't everybody...doesn't everybody think that?
2970
2971Maddox: No.
2972
2973Dick: Doesn't every generation and every group think that they're doing something new?
2974
2975Maddox: No! No, they don't.
2976
2977Dick: Mmm...
2978
2979Maddox: Our fathers' generation was worried about living. And not getting drafted to a war and getting shot or stabbed by a Nazi.
2980
2981Dick: I -- you are overly romanticizing that whole generation.
2982
2983Maddox: Wellll, you know. They had the -
2984
2985Dick: (interjects) Worrying about getting stabbed? And that's a different generation than MY father, and other -- like, that's...I'm talking about, like...uh, my dad's in his 60s.
2986
2987Maddox: Yeah.
2988
2989Dick: They weren't worried about World War II.
2990
2991Maddox: Right.
2992
2993Dick: They were trying to dodge the Vietnam War draft.
2994
2995Maddox: Yeah.
2996
2997Dick: Which is a *good* thing.
2998
2999Maddox: Sure!
3000
3001Dick: Yeah. That's not the World War -- "The Greatest Generation," quote unquote? Tom Brokaw's Greatest Generation?
3002
3003Maddox: Uh-huh.
3004
3005Dick: Uh... (sighs) I dunno. They get an awful lot of credit for fighting Nazis, but it...is that what the entire generation should be credited for?
3006
3007Maddox: Well...I mean, they had their flaws too. They had problems.
3008
3009Dick: Yeah.
3010
3011Maddox: It wasn't a perfect generation, no. But that's...at least they had work ethic. At least they gave a shit about SOMETHING. They gave a shit about their JOBS. If you walk into a hipster coffee shop? Oh, fuckin' good luck gettin' service!
3012
3013Dick: You know -
3014
3015Maddox: (interjects) Wait 'til they finish texting or Instagramming before they come to give you your fucking coffee! I want -
3016
3017Dick: (interjects) Honestly, where...?
3018
3019Maddox: Yeah. [indicating for Dick to talk]
3020
3021Dick: Sorry. Honestly, where does that get you?
3022
3023Maddox: What?
3024
3025Dick: Giving a shit about your job and slugging it away for 60 years? Where the fuck does that get you? Why...? They SHOULD -- hipsters SHOULD not give a shit about their jobs. What are they, making some other guy money with their time? Fuck it!
3026
3027Maddox: (chuckles derisively) Dick, weren't you just arguing last episode that people should improve their situation and that should be an incentive for them to get out of their job? Now you're saying "fuck it"??
3028
3029Dick: No! I'm...
3030
3031Maddox: They shouldn't...work hard for The Man?
3032
3033Dick: I'm saying you shouldn't just show up for the sake of showing up! Like, you shouldn't be...just the same way I said you shouldn't be afraid to ask for a raise. You shouldn't just show up and work because like, you're...you have this engrained ideal to do it, thinking that there's a payoff somewhere down the road. And I think that's part of it. Like I think they saw their grandparents and parents get kicked around by companies, so they feel like "Eh!" You know? There's no REWARD in slaving over this job, so why should I do it?
3034
3035Maddox: Fuck it. Why not? (cynical) Just live at home. Don't contribute.
3036
3037Dick: Well... (dubious)
3038
3039Maddox: Don't buy a house! Don't fuel the economy. Don't be somebody that CONTRIBUTES anything to the economy. Why don't you just live at home under your parents' roof where it's safe and cushy, and knock up your ugly girlfriend in a hot tub like Butt Sanchez? Why don't you just become a hipster?
3040
3041Dick: Hey!
3042
3043Maddox: Sure!
3044
3045Dick: If that works for you...plenty of cultures around the world have all of the family living under one roof.
3046
3047Maddox: Yeah.
3048
3049Dick: I mean, you know THAT.
3050
3051Maddox: Sure.
3052
3053Dick: Like, there's no...this nuclear family thing is something that's new in America since like the '50s, or whatever.
3054
3055Maddox: But they do it because of their CULTURE. (annoyed) Do you want to be like them, Dick? Do you wanna live at home with your mom and dad and sneak your girlfriend in at night? That's fuckin' lame.
3056
3057Dick: I wouldn't have to sneak her in! (cracks up) I'm an adult man!
3058
3059Maddox: Well, not if you're living at home you're not! You're a fuckin' pussy!
3060
3061Dick: Ehh....okay.
3062
3063Maddox: Move out, buddy!
3064
3065Dick: Yeah, no. (amused) I guess so. I just don't understand the hatred. I don't understand why SO many people pick on hipsters for what seems to be...not that great of a slight. Right? Like, hipsters didn't really -- all they did was not care about your opinion.
3066
3067Maddox: Yeah. And -
3068
3069Dick: (interjects) And THAT seems to *infuriate* people.
3070
3071Maddox: They don't care about anything, dude. They don't stand for anything. And coffee shops are expensive -- if hipsters ran the world, if hipsters ran cities, every coffee shop would be too fuckin' expensive to step into. Every piece of food that you buy would come with a paragraph of describing how it's...massaged down from heaven! (Dick laughs) From uh, an organic, locally-grown, sustainable farm where it's fair trade and organic, and the chickens are free-range, and they've...they're told jokes every day, and they're made sure to feel happy! (contemptuously) (Dick laughs harder) That's what fuckin' hipsters believe in, NOTHING! Nothing! They're buyin' BULLSHIT. Bullshit! You know what? MY shirts are fuckin' fair trade and organic, and massaged with hemp oil, and all this other fuckin' bull-- buy my shirts, huh?? You fuckin' idiots! And they won't, the hipsters, because my shirts are NEW. They want my shirt, they...you know what? I'll cut up...that's what I'm gonna do! I'm gonna start cutting up HOLES in my shirts and sell hipster...a hipster sale!
3072
3073Dick: It's diversions! Yeah!
3074
3075Maddox: Yeah! And it's gonna cost, like, fuckin' 50 dollars! Here you go, dickhead! I just stabbed a scissor through your fuckin' shirt, ya MORON. Save you the trouble of havin' to cut the logo out, you DIPSHIT. With a fuckin' hole in your chest! What kinda...what kinda self-respecting human being would do that? Where do you even get a job with a hole in your shirt like that?? If you walk into a job...right? It's all aesthetic! They don't HAVE a job! They don't have to worry about anything. They're livin' off their parents like fucking dickheads. Being a dickhead's cool, huh? (scathingly) That's what that song's all about, buddy.
3076
3077Dick: Yeah, well, it's a virtual world now. And it'll become even more so, so you don't need to show up. With holes in your shirts. (Maddox chuckles)
3078
3079Maddox: Great. (under his breath)
3080
3081Dick: Like, it doesn't -- that's the point. This stuff doesn't matter to them anymore.
3082
3083Maddox: Yeah, nothin' matters, man! (mocking)
3084
3085Dick: That's the point I'm making. (smiling)
3086
3087Maddox: Great, Dick. You hippie. (Dick laughs) Alright. What are your problems this week?
3088
3089Dick: My problems are...uh, Bro-Downs, and the big one, Undercooked Rice. (Maddox cracks up)
3090
3091Maddox: Fuck you, Dick. I'm so tired of your SHIT. And why don't you cook a dish next time, ya asshole? (seething) And they're ALMOND SLIVERS, you piece of shit!! (spitting out his words) My problems: Celebrity Worship and Hipsters. (closing riff starts) Don't forget to vote on these problems, guys, and stay tuned for the information for the live show coming up, December 19th in Los Angeles!
3092
3093Dick: Thanks for listening.
3094
3095(closing riff)
3096
3097------------------------------
3098
3099Maddox: Oh and Dick, I forgot to mention, we got a song by...Jeremy Belcher!
3100
3101Dick: Ohh, cool!
3102
3103Maddox: Yeah. Yeah, here it is. [plays song]
3104
3105(fast-paced hip-hop beat)
3106
3107Dick: Little Dick tip for ya.
3108
3109Dick: HA! [over song] (Maddox laughs)
3110
3111Maddox: And I don't even think I have a rebuttal! I think I agree 100 percent with you.
3112
3113Dick: Little Dick tip for ya.
3114
3115Maddox: I got a PYTHON under the table, baby!
3116
3117Dick: Little Dick...Little Dick tip for ya. (Maddox laughs)
3118
3119Maddox: It's obscured by the table, but I am fully engorged.
3120
3121Dick: Little Dick tip for ya.
3122
3123(clip of Maddox and Dick laughing)
3124
3125Dick: Little Dick...Little Dick...Little Dick...
3126
3127(clip of Maddox and Dick laughing)
3128
3129Dick: Little Dick...Little Dick tip for ya.
3130
3131Dick: Yeah, well, why don't you go have sex with your mother!
3132
3133Maddox: Hahahaha! There it is!
3134
3135Dick: Little Dick tip for ya.
3136
3137Maddox: Yeah. And, uh, speaking of engorged...
3138
3139Dick: Little Dick tip for ya.
3140
3141[song ends]
3142
3143(Dick giggles hysterically)
3144
3145Dick: HA! Hahahaha, that's great.