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1"Automatic" simply means that you cannot repair it yourself.
2
390% of everything is crud.
4
5A Project Manager is like the madam in a brothel. His job is to see
6that everything comes off right.
7
8A Smith & Wesson always beats four aces.
9
10A bird in hand is safer than one overhead.
11
12A bird in the hand is worth about three Kleenex.
13
14A child's ability to endure likely stems from his ignorance of
15alternatives.
16
17A clean desk is a sign of a sick mind.
18
19A closed mouth says nothing wrong; a closed mind does nothing right.
20
21A complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved from a
22more simple system that worked.
23
24A computer makes as many mistakes in one second as three men working
25for thirty years straight.
26
27A conference is simply an admission that you want somebody else to
28join you in your troubles.
29
30A dog is a dog except when he is facing you. Then he is Mr. Dog.
31
32A fellow who is always declaring that he is no fool usually harbors
33suspicions to the contrary.
34
35A fool and his money are some party.
36
37A friend in power is a friend lost.
38
39A good listener not only is popular everywhere but also, after a
40while, knows something.
41
42A great deal of money is never enough once you have it.
43
44A hunch is creativity trying to tell you something.
45
46A liberalism incapable of fiscal self-discipline brings about a
47radical conservatism conspicuous for its selfishness and
48insensitivity.
49
50A major failure will not occur until after the unit has passed final
51inspection.
52
53A man does not look behind the door unless he has stood there
54himself.
55
56A man will believe anything that does not cost him anything.
57
58A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are
59lost.
60
61A miser is a fellow who lives within his income. He is also called a
62magician.
63
64A misplaced decimal point will always end up where it will do the
65greatest damage.
66
67A narrow mind has a broad tongue.
68
69A neurotic builds castles in the air.
70A psychotic lives in castles in the air.
71And a psychiatrist is the guy who collects the rent.
72
73A perfectly calm day will turn gusty the instant you drop a $20 bill.
74
75A pipe gives a wise man time to think and a fool something to stick in
76his mouth.
77
78A politician's most important ability is to foretell what will happen
79tomorrow and next month and next year - and to explain afterwards why
80it didn't happen.
81
82
83A seeming ignorance is often a most necessary part of worldly
84knowledge.
85
86A sense of decency is often a decent man's undoing.
87
88A short cut is the longest distance between two points.
89
90A stockbroker is someone who invests your money until it is all gone.
91
92A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the other one.
93
94A waist is a terrible thing to mind.
95
96A yacht is a hole in the water, lined with wood, steel, or fiberglass,
97through which one pours all his money.
98
99Academic rivalries are so intense because the stakes are so small.
100
101Activity is the politician's substitute for achievement.
102
103Adam Smith revisited: Work creates Wealth, which is then Redistributed
104in the holy name of Social Justice. That is to say, what is mine is
105yours, and his, and hers, and theirs...
106
107Adventure is no more than discomfort and annoyance recollected in the
108safety of reminiscence.
109
110After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.
111
112Against stupidity, the gods themselves contend in vain.
113
114All great discoveries are made by mistake.
115
116All skill is in vain when an angel pees in the barrel of your rifle.
117
118All things are possible.
119Except skiing through a revolving door.
120
121All things being equal, a fat person uses more soap than a thin
122person.
123
124All turtle thoughts are of turtle.
125
126All warranties expire upon payment of invoice.
127
128All work and no play make Jack a dull boy and Jill a wealthy widow.
129
130All's well that ends.
131
132Almost everything in life is easier to get into than out of.
133
134Although I may disagree with what you say, I will defend to the death
135your right to hear me tell you how wrong you are.
136
137Always address your elders with respect; they could leave you a
138fortune.
139
140Always convice those whom you are about to deceive that you are acting
141in their best interests.
142
143Always forgive your enemies - nothing else annoys them as much.
144
145Always mistrust a subordinate who never finds fault with his boss.
146
147Ambition is the curse of the political class.
148
149Among economists, the real world is generally considered to be a
150special case.
151
152An easily understood, workable falsehood is more useful than a
153complex, incomprehensible truth.
154
155An economy cannot afford high tech unless it has a basic structure of
156other industry to provide the savings that will support high tech
157until it begins to pay off.
158
159An efficient bureaucracy is the greatest threat to liberty.
160
161An elephant is a mouse built to government specifications.
162
163An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he
164knows absolutely everything about nothing.
165
166An infinite number of mediocrities do not add up to one genius.
167
168An open mouth oft-times accompanies a closed mind.
169
170An unhappy crew makes for a dangerous voyage.
171
172Anger is never without an argument, or with a good one.
173
174Any appetite is its own excuse for existing.
175
176Any component, when inadvertently dropped, will roll into a hiding
177place, the inaccessibility of which is proportional to the square of
178the component's irreplaceability.
179
180Any contract drawn in more than 50 words contains at least one
181loophole.
182
183Any given computer program, when running, is obsolete.
184
185Any machine design must contain at least one part which is obsolete,
186two parts which are unobtainable, and three parts which are still
187under development.
188
189Any simple theory will be worded in the most complicated terms.
190
191Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
192
193Anyone can handle a crisis.
194It's everyday living that kills you.
195
196Anyone in good enough condition to run three miles a day is in good
197enough condition not to have to.
198
199Art is a passion pursued with discipline; science is a discipline
200pursued with passion.
201
202As scarce as truth is, the supply invariably exceeds the demand.
203
204As the rabbit said, if that ain't a wolf, it's a hell of a big dog.
205
206Ask your children what they want for dinner only if they are buying.
207
208Assumptions, so often full of holes, remain precious to the
209convinced.
210
211At best, life is a spiral and never a pendulum. What has been done
212cannot be undone.
213
214Bad weather forecasts are more often right than good ones.
215
216Bankers are the assassins of hope.
217
218Basic research is what you do when you don't know what you are doing.
219
220Be a corporate good citizen; hire the morally handicapped.
221
222Be kind to your web-footed friends; that duck may be a buyer.
223
224There's no intelligent life down here.
225
226Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes right to the bone.
227
228Behind every successful man is an astonished mother-in-law.
229
230Being king is not much fun if no one knows you are one.
231
232Bend the facts to fit the conclusion. It's easier that way.
233
234Beware of all enterprises requiring new clothes.
235
236Black holes are outa sight!
237
238Blessed are the censors, for they shall inhibit the earth.
239
240Blessed are the meek for they shall inherit the crap.
241
242Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.
243
244Blessed be he who is called a big wheel, for he goeth around in
245circles.
246
247Bosses come and bosses go, but a good secretary lasts forever.
248
249Bullshit baffles brains.
250
251By the time most of us have money to burn, our fire's gone out.
252
253By working faithfully 8 hours a day, you may eventually get to be a
254boss and work 12 hours a day.
255
256Celibacy is not hereditary.
257
258Cheer up.
259The first hundred years are the hardest!
260
261Children are a comfort in your old age, and they will even help you
262reach it.
263
264Civil servants are neither civil nor servile.
265
266Common sense is instinct. Enough of it is genius.
267
268Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable. Any
269system which depends upon human reliability is unreliable. You can
270rely on it.
271
272Confidence is the feeling you had before you knew better.
273
274Construct a system that even a fool can use and only a fool will want
275to use it.
276
277Crime is merely politics without the excuses.
278
279Crisis management works beautifully until an actual crisis occurs.
280
281Da trouble wit computers is, dey got no sense of humor.
282
283Days you attend top-level meetings and days you get hiccups tend to
284fall on the same dates.
285
286Degeneration and evolution are not the same thing.
287
288Desperate diseases require desperate remedies.
289
290Did you know that if you maintain a cholesterol-free diet, your body
291makes its own cholesterol.
292
293Diogenes is still searching.
294
295Distrust your first impressions; they are invariably too favorable.
296
297Don't be afraid to take a big step. You cannot cross a chasm in two
298small steps.
299
300Don't be so humble...you aren't that great.
301
302Don't get married if you are afraid of solitude.
303
304Don't hit a man when he's down unless you are damned certain he won't
305get up.
306
307Don't wear earmuffs in a bed of rattlesnakes.
308
309Don't worry about what other people are thinking of you. They're too
310busy worrying about what you are thinking of them.
311
312Dr. Faustus, call your service.
313
314During Britain's "brain drain," not a single politician left the
315country.
316
317Economics is the only calling in which one can have a lifetime
318reputation as an expert without ever once being right.
319
320Education confers understanding, knowledge, and competence; schools
321confer degrees.
322
323Enthusiasm wanes, but dullness lasts forever.
324
325Eternity is a terrible thought...where will it all end
326
327Even Mason and Dixon had to draw the line somewhere.
328
329Even the most faithful believer can serve a false god.
330
331Every calling is great when greatly pursued.
332
333Every family tree has some sap.
334
335Every institution tends to perish through an excess of its own
336policy.
337
338Every society professes the existence of inalienable human rights;
339most, however, are somewhat vague as to just what they are.
340
341Everybody's death simplifies life for someone.
342
343Everyone has a scheme for getting rich that will not work.
344
345Everything comes to he who waits - providing he has either infinite
346patience or infinite wealth.
347
348Everything east of the San Andreas Fault will eventually plunge into
349the Atlantic Ocean.
350
351Everything not forbidden by the laws of Nature is mandatory. Trouble
352is, nearly everything is forbidden.
353
354Example is not the main thing in influencing others; it is the only
355thing.
356
357Excellence is an option that is renewable.
358
359Expectations should not determine whether or not one acts, nor how.
360
361Expensive fertilizers that do nothing for your grass will give you the
362most gorgeous weeds you ever saw.
363
364Experience is a good teacher, but submits huge bills.
365
366Experience is what you get when you don't get what you wanted.
367
368Experimentation is the mother of confusion.
369
370Extinction is the ultimate fate of all species.
371
372Extreme boredom serves to cure boredom.
373
374Extreme sorrow laughs; extreme joy weeps.
375
376Extremely happy and extremely unhappy men are alike prone to grow
377hard-hearted.
378
379Facts cannot prevail against faith, or adamant folly.
380
381Failure is a measurement that depends on the standard applied.
382
383Fear is no great respecter of reason.
384
385Feed the wolf as you will; he will always look to the forest.
386
387Fill what's empty.
388Empty what's full.
389And scratch where it itches.
390
391Fire and water.
392Matter and anti-matter.
393Money and morality.
394
395First secure an independent income, then practice virtue.
396
397Fools belittle that which they do not understand.
398Cynics belittle everything.
399Midgets simply belittle.
400
401For a man of fortitude, there are no walls, only avenues.
402
403For peace of mind, resign as general manager of the universe.
404
405Freedom can be lost as surely tax by tax, regulation by regulation, as
406it can be bullet by bullet, missile by missile.
407
408Freedom is for everyone. Or no one.
409
410Freedom of the press is limited to those who have one.
411
412Friends may come and friends may go, but enemies accumulate.
413
414Frustration is not having anyone else to blame but one's self.
415
416Get too many irons in your fire and you'll put it out.
417
418Give all orders verbally. Never write down anything that might go into
419a "Pearl Harbor file".
420
421Give me an example of pro and con.
422Progress and Congress.
423
424Given that Nature limited the intelligence of Man, it seems unfair
425that she did not limit the stupidity of Man.
426
427God can't alter history, so he created historians.
428
429God has Alzheimer's disease; he's forgotten that we exist.
430
431God made everything out of nothing. But the nothingness shows
432through.
433
434Government corruption seems always to be reported in the past tense.
435
436Half of conversation is listening.
437
438Have a nice day...somewhere else.
439
440He is all fault who has no fault at all.
441
442He who dies with the most toys, wins!
443
444He who does many things makes many mistakes, but never makes the
445biggest mistake of all - doing nothing.
446
447He who endures, wins.
448
449He who has been bitten by six dogs is legitimately suspicious of the
450seventh.
451
452He who leaves nothing to chance will do very few things wrong, but he
453will do very few things at all.
454
455He who lives on hope has a slender diet indeed.
456
457He who looks too far ahead stumbles over his own boots.
458
459He who would climb to the top must leave much behind.
460
461He who would leap high must take a long run.
462
463He who would pursue revenge should first dig two graves.
464
465Hell is l is a city much like Newark.
466
467Hell is not a place. Hell is what hurts worst.
468
469History is the sum total of things that could have been avoided.
470
471History occurs twice - the first time as tragedy, the second time as
472farce.
473
474Honesty in politics is much like oxygen.
475The higher up you go, the scarcer it becomes.
476
477Honesty is the best policy - unless, of course, you are dealing with
478your wife, your girlfriend, your banker, your employer, the I.R.S.,
479your creditors...
480
481How can you tell when a salesman is lying ?
482When his lips are moving.
483
484How come nowadays the word "honesty" is generally preceded by the
485phrase "old-fashioned" ?
486
487How long a minute is depends upon which side of the bathroom door
488you're on.
489
490I get my exercise acting as a pallbearer for my friends who exercise.
491
492If a cluttered desk is characteristic of a cluttered mind, what does
493an empty desk mean ?
494
495If a problem causes too many meetings, then the meetings eventually
496become more important than the problem.
497
498If all else fails, read the destructions.
499
500If all the economists in the world were laid end to end, they couldn't
501reach a conclusion.
502
503If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
504
505If builders constructed buildings the way programmers write programs,
506then the first woodpecker to come along would destroy civilization.
507
508If doctors' intellects were as big as doctors' egos, this would be a
509far healthier world.
510
511If everything appears to be going well, you obviously don't know what
512the hell is going on.
513
514If it jams - force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
515
516If it's not in the computer, then it doesn't exist.
517
518If it's rational, if it's logical, and if it makes good common sense,
519then it's simply not done.
520
521If man's best friend is the dog, where does that leave the rest of us?
522
523
524If mathematically you end up with the wrong answer, try multiplying by
525the page number.
526
527If more than one person is responsible for a miscalculation, no one
528will be at fault.
529
530If one views his problem sufficiently closely, he will recognize
531himself as part of the problem.
532
533If someone gives you so-called good advice, do the opposite; you may
534be certain that that will be the right thing nine times out of ten.
535
536If the facts are against you, argue the law. If the law is against
537you, pound the table and yell like hell.
538
539If the first person who answers the phone can't handle your question,
540then it's a bureaucracy.
541
542If the gods had really intended men to fly, they'd have made it easier
543to get to the airport.
544
545If the government hasn't yet taxed, licensed, or regulated it, then it
546probably ain't worth anything.
547
548If the nation's economists were all laid end to end, they would point
549in all directions.
550
551If the plating work that we do for you is defective, we will refund
552your money, redo the parts free, close our plant, and have the plant
553manager shot. Will that be satisfactory ?
554
555If the shoe fits, you're not allowing for growth.
556
557If the thought of growing old bothers you, consider the alternative.
558
559If the universe is indeed insane, who is the asylum keeper ?
560
561If this is the land of the future, why are we all so given to
562nostalgia ?
563
564If truth were a matter of opinion, then the majority would always be
565right.
566
567If you are feeling good, don't worry; you'll get over it.
568
569If you can keep your head while all about you are losing theirs, then
570you obviously don't understand what's going on.
571
572If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
573
574If you cannot logically refute a man's arguments, not all is lost. You
575can always call him nasty names.
576
577If you cannot understand it, it is intuitively obvious.
578
579If you disinfect the pond, you kill the lilies.
580
581If you doubt that Rochesterians believe in God, watch how they drive.
582
583If you gave a monkey control of its environment, it would fill the
584universe with bananas.
585
586If you live among the wolves, learn to howl like them.
587
588If you think that mental illness interferes with financial success,
589just look at the average television evangelist.
590
591If you think that no one cares that you're alive, try missing a few
592car payments.
593
594If you try to please everybody, nobody will like it.
595
596If you want to make people angry, lie to them. If you want to make
597them absolutely livid, then tell 'em the truth.
598
599If young women often do marry men like their fathers, no wonder their
600mothers cry at their weddings.
601
602In America, the Secretary of Agriculture catches hell for unmanageable
603food surpluses; in Russia, his counterpart goes to Siberia because of
604unmanageable food shortages.
605
606In a mad world, only greater madness succeeds.
607
608In a permissive society, the cream rises to the top...and so does the
609scum.
610
611In a world that runs on deceit, deception, and duplicity, the honest
612man is always at a disadvantage.
613
614In any organization, there are only two people to contact if you want
615results:
616the one at the very top and the one at the very bottom.
617
618In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
619
620In death, avoid hell.
621In life, avoid the law courts.
622
623In defeat, malice.
624In victory, revenge.
625
626In designing any type of machine component, no overall dimension can
627be totalled accurately after 4:30pm Friday. The correct total will
628become self-evident at 8:15am on Monday.
629
630In doing good, avoid notoriety. In doing evil, avoid self-awareness.
631
632In hell, treason is the work of angels.
633
634In jealousy, there is often more self-love than love.
635
636In order to obtain a loan, you must first prove that you don't need
637it.
638
639In some countries, Chaucer and Dante are the classics. In this
640country, it's a soft drink.
641
642In the Beginning, God created the Organization and gave It dominion
643over man.
644        -Genesis, Article VII, section 3, paragraph C.
645
646In the final analysis, entropy always wins.
647
648In the long run, we are all dead.
649
650In third-world politics, the people with the guns call the shots.
651
652Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.
653
654Inside every short man is a tall man doubled over in extreme pain.
655
656Instead of worrying about the boxes in your organizational chart, be
657concerned with the people who are boxed in.
658
659Institutions are more rarely overthrown from without, more often
660corroded from within.
661
662Interesting history is awful living.
663
664Isn't it strange that the same people who laugh at gypsy
665fortune-tellers take economists seriously.
666
667It doesn't much matter whom you marry, for tomorrow morning you
668discover that it was someone else.
669
670It is a grave error to allow any mechanical device to realize that you
671are in a hurry.
672
673It is axiomatic that even the strongest of men will fall before a
674pygmy with a submachine gun.
675
676It is better to add life to your years than it is to add years to your
677life.
678
679It is better to be envied than to be consoled.
680
681It is better to resign from office than it is to die in office; that
682way, you get to hear some of the eulogies.
683
684It is difficult to be politically conscious and upwardly mobile at the
685same time.
686
687It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so
688ingenious.
689
690It is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
691
692It is often easier to find the truth than it is to accept it.
693
694It is only in Aesop's fables that an elephant takes advice from a
695mouse.
696
697It is probably better to be insane with the rest of the world than to
698be sane alone.
699
700It is the manner, and not the content, that marks a gentleman.
701
702It is when the irritation of doubt causes a struggle to attain belief
703that the enterprise of thought begins.
704
705It is wrong to repeat gossip, but what else can you do with it ?
706
707It takes twenty-five dumb animals to make a fur coat. and only one to
708wear it.
709
710It takes very little to make a woman happy, and more than is contained
711in heaven and earth to keep her that way.
712
713It's difficult to soar with the eagles when you work with turkeys.
714
715It's not social oppression that moves wild-eyed revolutionaries; it's
716envy, pure and simple.
717
718It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you place the blame.
719
720It's what you learn after you know it all that counts.
721
722John Donne was wrong.
723
724Journalism, like prostitution, is a career in which just one foray
725makes a professional.
726
727Just because you are paranoid does not mean that no one is following
728you.
729
730Justice must not only be done; it must be seen to be believed.
731
732Kill the moneylenders.
733
734Knowledge can cure ignorance, but intelligence cannot cure stupidity.
735
736Labor disgraces no man, but often a man disgraces labor.
737
738Large brains can contain small minds.
739
740Last weke I cudn't even spel kumpooter programer and today I are one!
741
742Law remains long after justice flees.
743
744Leakproof seals - will.
745Selfstarters - will not.
746Interchangeable parts - won't.
747
748Leftover nuts never match leftover bolts.
749
750Less of a good thing is sometimes better - ask anyone on a diet.
751
752Life is a learning experience; the diploma is your death certificate.
753
754Life is a temporary assignment.
755
756Life is a terminal condition.
757
758Life's a bitch.
759But, then, consider the alternative.
760
761Little boys throw stones in jest.
762Little frogs die in earnest.
763
764Live every day as though it were your last.
765One day, you'll be right.
766
767Live within your income, even if you must borrow to do it.
768
769Locks and keys are for honest people.
770
771Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with
772confidence.
773
774Lost causes are the only ones worth fighting for.
775
776Luck, it is said, dislikes working double shifts.
777
778Making this world better will gain you the greatest credit in the next
779one.
780
781Man does not live by bread alone.
782But he damned well doesn't live without it, either.
783
784Many know how to flatter; few know how to praise.
785
786Marriage is like burning the house down to toast the bread.
787
788Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.
789
790May you live in interesting times.
791
792Mayflies continually plot to topple the cedar.
793
794Measure twice 'cause you can only cut once.
795
796Measured with a micrometer.
797Marked with chalk.
798Cut with an axe.
799
800Men and nations will act rationally when all other possibilities have
801been exhausted.
802
803Men heap together the mistakes of their lives and create a monster
804they call destiny.
805
806Middle age is when you wonder if your warranty is running out.
807
808Miles aren't the only distance.
809
810Monotony is the law of Nature. Observe the monotonous manner in which
811the sun rises.
812
813More men are sheep in wolves' clothing than the other way around.
814
815Most men and nations die lying down.
816
817Mother Nature applies all her rules...all the time.
818
819Motor gently through the greasemud, for there lurks the skid demon.
820
821Murphy's Golden Rule:
822Whoever has the gold makes the rules.
823
824Murphy's Law: If it can go wrong, it will...at the worst possible time
825and in the worst possible place.
826Fisher's Law: Murphy was an optimist.
827
828Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
829
830Never argue with a fool...people may not be able to tell you apart.
831
832Never claim as a right that which you can ask as a favor.
833
834Never climb a fence when you can sit on it.
835
836Never complain;
837never explain.
838
839Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
840
841Never eat prunes when you are famished.
842
843Never embezzle more than your employer can afford.
844
845Never get into a fight with an ugly person. He has nothing to lose.
846
847Never get mixed up with economists. Their thinking is muddy and they
848have bad breath.
849
850Never have so many people understood so little about so much.
851
852Never invest in anything that eats or needs repainting.
853
854Never let your sense of morality stop you from doing what is right.
855
856Never make the same mistake twice...there are so many new ones to
857make!
858
859Never marry a woman who prays too much.
860
861Never mistake good manners for good will.
862
863Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.
864
865Never question your wife's judgement...look whom she married.
866
867Never step in anything soft.
868
869Never trust anyone who laughs at his own one-liners.
870
871Never try to teach a pig how to sing. It is a waste of time and it
872annoys the pig.
873
874Never underestimate the power of stupidity.
875
876Never, ever trust anyone under 30 or over 25.
877
878Never, ever, insult a telephone answering machine. They have ways of
879getting even.
880
881New systems generate new problems.
882
883Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as
884satisfying as an income tax refund.
885
886No class of Americans has ever objected to any amount of government
887meddling if it appeared to benefit that particular class.
888
889No man's knowledge goes beyond his experience.
890
891No man's life, liberty, or property are safe whilst the legislature is
892in session.
893
894No matter how bad your kid is, he's still good for a tax exemption.
895
896No matter how long or how diligently you shop for a machine, once
897you've purchased it, it will be on sale for 30% less.
898
899No name, no matter how simple, can be correctly understood over the
900phone.
901
902No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
903
904No one ever found marvels by seeking them.
905
906No one gets too old to learn a new way of being stupid.
907
908Not all the kookies are in the jar.
909
910Nothing dispels enthusiasm like a small admission fee.
911
912Nothing in our history is plainer, or more tragic, than the gulf
913between cleverness and wisdom.
914
915Nothing in the universe arouses more false hopes than the first four
916hours of a diet.
917
918Nothing irritates a standard American corporate executive quite so
919much as the sight of someone actually daring to practice capitalism.
920
921Nothing is illegal if 100 businessmen decide to do it.
922
923Nothing is really labor unless you would rather be doing something
924else.
925
926Nothing motivates a man more than to see his boss put in an honest
927day's work.
928
929
930Odds are, the phrase "It's none of my business" will be followed by
931"but".
932
933Of those teaching in today's schools, 80 percent are paid twice what
934they are worth and 20 percent are paid half what they are worth.
935
936Old age is like a burglar.
937It robs you of all the goodies and leaves the rubbish.
938
939Old men and comets have long been revered for the same reasons; their
940long beards and their supposed ability to foretell events.
941
942Old men make wars.
943Young men fight them.
944
945On the ONE day you take your secretary to lunch, your wife will be
946lunching in the same restaurant.
947
948Once upon a time, there were two Chinamen.
949Now look how many there are.
950
951Once you understand the problem, you find that it is worse than you
952expected.
953
954One goddamned thing leads to another goddamned thing.
955
956One good thing about living on a farm is that you can fight with your
957wife and ain't nobody gonna hear.
958
959One lawyer = a crook.
960Two lawyers = a law firm.
961Three or more lawyers = a legislature.
962
963One may generally observe a singular accord between supercelestial
964ideas and subterranean behavior.
965
966One sees more clearly backward than forward.
967
968One thing you can say for kids: they don't go around showing pictures
969of their grandparents.
970
971Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.
972
973Our architect's plans for plant renovation begin with a precision air
974strike.
975
976Peace is a premise the existence of which we have deduced from the
977intervals between wars.
978
979People are always available for work in the past tense.
980
981People use the most words when they are the least certain of what they
982are saying.
983
984People who cough a lot never go to the doctor...just to movies,
985concerts, and lectures.
986
987People who have no faults are terrible: there is no way to take
988advantage of them.
989
990People who live in a golden age complain that everything looks
991yellow.
992
993People, like turtles, make little progress without sticking their
994necks out.
995
996Pessimists are the world's happiest people....
997Ninety percent of the time they are right, and the other ten percent
998they are pleasantly surprised.
999
1000Pinocchio was such a dolt to try to become a human being. He was much
1001better off with a wooden head.
1002
1003Policemen with private motives are dangerous.
1004
1005Political cunning should never be mistaken for intelligence.
1006
1007Politicians are much like ships: noisiest when lost in a fog.
1008
1009Politicians deal with the public on the basis of the mushroom policy:
1010Keep them in the dark and feed them manure.
1011
1012Practical politics consists of ignoring the facts. Come to think of
1013it, practical anything consists of that.
1014
1015Proctologist's revenge: put Ben-Gay in a guy's tube of Nupercainal.
1016
1017Proof-positive that Eastern and Western technologies can indeed work
1018together: the Teflon-coated wok.
1019
1020Psychopaths aren't born. They are made.
1021
1022Rabbits dance at the funeral of the lion.
1023
1024Reality precedes perception.
1025Except, of course, in southern California.
1026
1027Remember the good old days When juvenile delinquency was observed
1028mainly in juveniles
1029
1030Remember when "There's something in the air" was just a figure of
1031speech
1032
1033Respect for ourselves guides our morals; deference to others governs
1034our manners.
1035
1036Revenge is a dish best served cold.
1037
1038Roughing it is television without cable.
1039
1040Rumors are the sauce of a dry life.
1041
1042Saints engage in introspection while burly sinners run the world.
1043
1044Scandal, like hypocrisy, is bipartisan.
1045
1046Science has finally found what distinguishes Man from the other
1047beasts: financial worries.
1048
1049Serendipity is looking in a haystack for a needle and finding the
1050farmer's daughter.
1051
1052Show me anything whereof it may be said "See, this is new," and I will
1053show you it hath been.
1054
1055Shrink not from blasphemy - t'will pass for wit.
1056
1057Simple pleasures are the last refuge of the complex.
1058
1059Since few large pleasures are lent to us on a long lease, it is wise
1060to cultivate a large undergrowth of small pleasures.
1061
1062Small things entertain small minds.
1063
1064Smooth seas never made a good sailor.
1065
1066Some people are always lost in thought; other people lack thoughts
1067large enough to be lost in.
1068
1069Some people can look so busy that they seem indispensable.
1070
1071Some people can stay longer in an hour than others can in a week.
1072
1073Some people manage by the book, even though they don't know who wrote
1074the book or even what book.
1075
1076Sometimes it is good to be only a fly when giants are fighting for the
1077heavens.
1078
1079Sometimes, a cigar is just a cigar.
1080                     - S. Freud
1081
1082Songs unheard are sweeter far.
1083
1084Stress is that condition created when the mind overrides the body's
1085basic desire to choke the living shit out of some asshole who
1086desperately needs it.
1087
1088Strong words connote weak arguments.
1089
1090Succeeding is more satisfying than success.
1091
1092Success consists of reaching 40 before your waist does.
1093
1094Support your local bloodhound.
1095Get lost.
1096
1097Sympathy is what you give a relative when you don't want to lend him
1098cash.
1099
1100Take care which rut you choose; you'll be in it for the next ten
1101years.
1102
1103Taking something with a grain of salt may raise your blood pressure.
1104
1105Tatoos are the common man's way of investing in art.
1106
1107Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not
1108understand.
1109
1110Television is chewing gum for the eyes.
1111
1112Tell a man that there are 500 million trillion stars in the universe
1113and he will believe you. Tell him that there's wet paint on that
1114bench....
1115
1116Tempt not a desperate man.
1117
1118That which is crooked cannot be made straight, although there are
1119psychotherapists who might disagree.
1120
1121The Boy Scout credo: sound mind, sound body...take your choice.
1122
1123The British parliament is called the "Mother of Legislatures". A
1124somewhat similar term is often applied to Congress.
1125
1126The Devil's greatest triumph was convincing the modern world that he
1127doesn't exist.
1128
1129The Russians will never invade us...there's no place to park.
1130
1131The attention span of a computer is only as long as its electrical
1132cord.
1133
1134The average U.S. taxpayer is proud to be paying taxes. Of course, he
1135could be just as proud for half the money.
1136
1137The best bilge pump in the world is a terrified sailor with a bucket.
1138
1139The best way to achieve immortality is by not dying.
1140
1141The best way to attract money is to give the appearance of having it.
1142
1143The best way to avoid growing old is not to be born so soon.
1144
1145The best way to make fire with two sticks is to insure that one of
1146them is a match.
1147
1148The best way to save face is to keep the lower half closed.
1149
1150The bigger they are, the harder they punch.
1151
1152The biggest idiot can ask questions the smartest man cannot answer.
1153
1154The danger in being king is that after a while you begin to believe
1155you really are one.
1156
1157The deepest and most important virtues are often the dullest ones.
1158
1159The degree of technical competence is inversely proportional to the
1160level of management.
1161
1162The fifteen minute morning coffee break is when your employees take a
1163break from doing nothing.
1164
1165The first great gift that we can bestow upon others is a good
1166example.
1167
1168The first place in which to look for something is the last place in
1169which you expect to find it.
1170
1171The fraudulence of the exercise is proportional to the margin of
1172victory.
1173
1174The galaxy is full of dishonorable men ...Well, everyone's got to make
1175a living.
1176
1177The gap between theory and practice is filled with apology.
1178
1179The great classes of people will more easily fall victims to a great
1180lie than to a small one.
1181
1182The great tragedy of our era is not the significance of things but the
1183insignificance of things.
1184
1185The healthy stomach is nothing if not conservative; few radicals have
1186good digestions.
1187
1188The human brain is a wonderous instrument. It starts working the
1189moment you wake up and doesn't stop until you get to the office.
1190
1191The last man on Earth sat alone in a room.
1192There was a knock on the door...
1193
1194The last time doctors went on strike, the death rate dropped thirty
1195percent.
1196
1197The later you are for your flight, the more times you have to go
1198through the metal detector.
1199
1200The law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich as well as the
1201poor to sleep under bridges, beg in the streets, and steal bread.
1202
1203The lawyer's credo: if you can't dazzle 'em with brilliance, baffle
1204'em with bullshit.
1205
1206The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlamp of an oncoming
1207train.
1208
1209The longer you wait in line, the greater the probability that it is
1210the wrong line.
1211
1212The man who is always talking about being a gentleman never is one.
1213
1214The more cordial the buyer's secretary, the greater the probability
1215that the competition already has the order.
1216
1217The most beautiful days of the year are always the days just before
1218and just after your vacation.
1219
1220The most successful journey is a dull journey.
1221
1222The mouse dreams dreams that would terrify the cat.
1223
1224The nice thing about scientific studies is that you can always find
1225one that proves conclusively that your product is safe and that your
1226competitor's causes cancer.
1227
1228The number of employees in any work group tends to increase
1229irrespective of the amount of work to be done.
1230
1231The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the
1232stupidity of what you're doing.
1233
1234The one time in the day that you lean back and relax is the one time
1235the boss comes strolling through the plant.
1236
1237The only government handout that I want is the government's hand out
1238of my pocket.
1239
1240The only imperfect thing in nature is the human race.
1241
1242The only people that snobs want to know are those who don't want to
1243know them.
1244
1245The only people to profit from the mistakes of others are
1246biographers.
1247
1248The only perfect science is hindsight.
1249
1250The only thing worse than a male chauvinist pig is the female
1251version.
1252
1253The only things in history that are inevitable are those that have
1254already happened.
1255
1256The only valid generalization that can be made about scientists is
1257that they require unlimited resources for improbable projects of
1258interminable gestation periods.
1259
1260The opera ain't over 'til the fat lady sings.
1261
1262The opulence of the front office decor varies inversely with the
1263fundamental solvency of the firm.
1264
1265The organization of any bureaucracy is very much like a septic
1266tank....The really big chunks always rise to the top.
1267
1268The person who buys the most raffle tickets has the least chance of
1269winning.
1270
1271The person who marries for money generally ends up earning it.
1272
1273The person who snores the loudest will fall asleep first.
1274
1275The price of total freedom is total anarchy. The price of total
1276security is total enslavement.
1277
1278The primary function of the design engineer is to make things
1279difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman.
1280
1281The probability of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side
1282down is proportional to the cost of the carpet.
1283
1284The probability of your alarm not going off increases in direct
1285proportion to the importance of your 8:00am meeting.
1286
1287The promises of maniacs, like those of salesmen, are not safely relied
1288upon.
1289
1290The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, but
1291that's the way to bet 'em.
1292
1293The rat race is over. The rats won.
1294
1295The real crime in education today is not the way we treat teachers but
1296whom we allow to be teachers.
1297
1298The real outrage today isn't what's illegal.
1299It's what is legal.
1300
1301The reason the way of the sinner is hard is because it is so crowded.
1302
1303The reason why worry kills more people than work does is that more
1304people worry than work.
1305
1306The repairman will never have seen a model quite like yours before.
1307
1308The saddest of words: I always wanted to but never did.
1309
1310The secret of staying young is finding an age that you really like and
1311then sticking with it.
1312
1313The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got
1314it made.
1315
1316The ship of state is the only ship that leaks at the top.
1317
1318The smaller the issue, the bigger the fight.
1319
1320The sole reliable test of a first-rate intelligence is to hold two
1321opposite ideas in the mind whilst still retaining the ability to tie
1322one's own shoe
1323laces.
1324
1325The sooner man begins to spend his wealth, the better he uses it.
1326
1327The strongest part of any paper form is the perforation.
1328
1329The successful enjoyment of vice requires training and long practice.
1330
1331The sun ariseth and the sun goeth down, and the same things come alike
1332to the righteous and the wicked.
1333
1334The supreme irony of life is that hardly anyone gets out of it alive.
1335
1336The tale of the errant entrepreneur:
1337High chair; high school; high hopes; high finance; "Hi, Warden!".
1338
1339The universe is governed by a committee; no one man could make that
1340many mistakes.
1341
1342The very same American textile industry that lobbies hysterically
1343against the import of textile products imports virtually all its
1344textile manufacturing machinery...I wonder why
1345
1346The whole of life is futile unless you regard it is a sporting
1347proposition.
1348
1349The world is a comedy to those that think, a tragedy to those that
1350feel.
1351
1352The world is disgracefully managed; one hardly knows to whom to
1353complain.
1354
1355Them that has, gets.
1356
1357There are no moral messages in Nature.
1358
1359There are only four basic plots in life, and nine in literature.
1360
1361There are those who make things happen.
1362There are those who watch things happen.
1363And there are those who wonder what happened.
1364
1365There are three rules for successfully managing people:
1366Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
1367
1368There are three types of deliberate falsehoods: lies, damned lies, and
1369salesmen's promises.
1370
1371There are two kinds of men who never amount to much: those who cannot
1372do what they are told, and those who can do nothing else.
1373
1374There are two periods in which Congress does no business: one is
1375before the holidays and the other is after.
1376
1377There is a time for everything.
1378Mostly, the wrong time.
1379
1380There is always one more son of a bitch than you counted on.
1381
1382There is an optimal size for any project, and it is always bigger than
1383you can afford.
1384
1385There is no truth in the rumor that man is immortal.
1386
1387There is nothing like a grievance to sharpen an old man's wits.
1388
1389There is nothing more terrible than ignorance in action.
1390
1391There is nothing wrong with you that an expensive surgical operation
1392cannot prolong.
1393
1394There is wisdom in madness and strong probability of truth in all
1395accusations, for people are complete, and everybody is capable of
1396anything.
1397
1398There's nothing wrong with gluttony...providing you don't overdo it.
1399
1400These days, an education is essential for career success. Unless, of
1401course, you run for Congress.
1402
1403They don't invite you to the White House for a drink because they
1404think you are thirsty.
1405
1406Things get worse under pressure.
1407
1408Those things are better which are perfected by Nature than those which
1409are finished by art.
1410
1411Those who beat their swords into plowshares generally end up plowing
1412for those who didn't.
1413
1414Those who can - do.
1415Those who can't - teach.
1416Those totally devoid of useful ability become government economists.
1417
1418Those who can't teach - administer.
1419Those who can't administer - run for public office.
1420
1421Those who do not follow are dragged.
1422
1423Those who do not learn from history often end up making it.
1424
1425Those who like sausage or political policy should not watch either
1426being made.
1427
1428Time is a great teacher, but it kills all its pupils.
1429
1430To a little fish, the waters are always deep.
1431
1432To a man with a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
1433
1434To a weary horse, even his own tail is a burden.
1435
1436To err is human. To really foul things up requires a computer. To
1437create utter chaos with no perceivable possibility of salvation calls
1438for an MBA.
1439
1440To have honesty coupled to beauty is to have honey the sauce to
1441sugar.
1442
1443To hear tell a hundred times is not as good as once seeing.
1444
1445To spot the true expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take
1446the longest and cost the most.
1447
1448To understand the clay is not to understand the pot.
1449
1450Today's conservative is yesterday's liberal who got mugged last
1451night.
1452
1453Too much of anything is wonderful.
1454
1455Truth is a hard master to serve, for the more devotedly you serve her,
1456the more she hurts you.
1457
1458Truth is very precious, so salesmen and politicians use it very
1459sparingly.
1460
1461Tyranny is always better organized than freedom is.
1462
1463Under some conditions, in some place, at some time, there will always
1464be at least one law, ordinance, or statute under which you can be
1465booked.
1466
1467Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of temperature,
1468pressure, humidity, time, and voltage, the machine will do as it
1469damned well pleases.
1470
1471Unfaithfulness in the keeping of an appointment is an act of clear
1472dishonesty.
1473
1474You may as well take a person's money as his time.
1475
1476Universities are full of knowledge. The freshmen bring a little in and
1477the seniors take none away, so knowledge accumulates.
1478
1479Virtue does not lend itself to the same verbal enthusiasms that vice
1480does.
1481
1482Virtue is a social liability.
1483
1484We ain't cheap, but by gosh, we're good!
1485
1486We are all passengers in the leaky rowboat of life. So, bail faster,
1487damn it!
1488
1489We are inclined to believe those whom we do not know because they have
1490never deceived us.
1491
1492We do not know who first discovered water. However, we are confident
1493that it was not a fish.
1494
1495We don't know one millionth of one per cent about anything.
1496
1497We know what we are, but not what we may be.
1498
1499Welcome to the totally-automated, fully computerized world of the
1500twenty-first century, where nothing can go wrong...go wrong...go
1501wrong...
1502
1503What do the lie detector and Wonder Woman have in common They were
1504invented by the same person.
1505Kinda figures, doesn't it.
1506
1507What do you call 500 bureaucrats at the bottom of the Potomac river ?
1508A start.
1509
1510What people say behind your back is your standing in the community.
1511
1512What the large print giveth, the small print taketh away.
1513
1514Whatever is not nailed down is the government's. Whatever the
1515government can pry loose is not nailed down.
1516
1517When I works, I works fast.
1518When I plays, I plays hard.
1519And when I thinks, I falls asleep.
1520
1521When a broken machine is demonstrated for the repairman, it will work
1522perfectly.
1523
1524When a man dies, he does not die just of the disease he has; he dies
1525of his whole life.
1526
1527When anything is used to its full potential, it will break.
1528
1529When comes the revolution, things will be different - not better, just
1530different.
1531
1532When in doubt, mumble.
1533When in trouble, delegate.
1534
1535When in trouble or in doubt,
1536Run in circles, yell and shout.
1537
1538When men are easy in their circumstances, they are naturally enemies
1539to innovation.
1540
1541When smashing monuments, always save the pedestals - they come in
1542handy.
1543
1544When the hounds bay, the fox and the rabbit are brothers.
1545
1546When the mouse laughs at the cat, there is a hole very near by.
1547
1548When the old dog barks, better look out the window.
1549
1550When there is no danger in fighting, there is no glory in winning.
1551
1552When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.
1553
1554When you've read about one train wreck, you've read about them all.
1555
1556Whenever a man casts a longing eye at public office, a rottenness
1557appears in his conduct.
1558
1559Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damned fool
1560discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it
1561totally beyond recognition.
1562
1563Where you stand on an issue depends upon where you sit.
1564
1565Who mourns the falling of a single leaf ?
1566
1567Whom the gods would destroy, they first make mad.
1568
1569Why do they always start off the evening news with "Good evening" when
1570all they do is tell you why it isn't ?
1571
1572Why is there always so much month left at the end of the money ?
1573
1574Why long for glory, which one despises as soon as one has it ?
1575
1576Women like silent men. They think they're listening.
1577
1578Women's taste in neckties is as bad as men's in chintz.
1579
1580Work smarder and not harder and be careful of yor speling.
1581
1582Workers these days don't mind putting in an honest day's work. Trouble
1583is, it takes 'em a week to do it.
1584
1585Would that reason were as contagious as emotion.
1586
1587Would you fly in an airliner designed and built by the lowest bidder?
1588
1589Yea, though I walk thru the valley of the shadow of death, I shall
1590fear no evil, 'cause I'm the meanest s.o.b. in the valley.
1591
1592Years ago, the symbol of America was the bald eagle. Today, it is the
1593beer bottle on the side of the road.
1594
1595You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind
1596word.
1597
1598You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
1599
1600You can say this for death and taxes: when you are done with one,
1601you're done with the other.
1602
1603You can't drown your troubles, not the real ones, because if they are
1604real, they can swim.
1605
1606You can't have a clear head when there is a sword hanging over it.
1607
1608You can't win.
1609
1610You cannot do a kindness too soon, for you never know when it will be
1611too late.
1612
1613You cannot reason a man out of that which he has not been reasoned
1614into.
1615
1616You cannot tame a tiger by pulling but one of his teeth.
1617
1618You know that it's gonna be a bad day when you call Suicide Prevention
1619and they put you on hold.
1620
1621You know you are in trouble when you come to work in the morning and
1622the boss tells you not to take off your coat.
1623
1624You know you are in trouble when your only son tells you he wishes
1625Anita Bryant would mind her own business.
1626
1627You may not get what you pay for, but you always pay for what you
1628get.
1629
1630You never know how many friends you have until you own a house at the
1631beach.
1632
1633You only go around once, and there's not enough gusto for everyone.
1634
1635You rarely observe a mob rushing across town to do a good deed.
1636
1637You've one mouth and two ears...use them in that proportion.
1638
1639Your freedom to swing your arm ends where my nose begins.