Z6BPHNVH

1Cute in theory anon. They're actually pretty schizo and unpredictable. Let me tell you a little story.
2
3>2009
4>18 years old
5>Working as a pizza boy
6>4 times a week we get orders from one particular address
7>The other, older pizza boys call her "the creepy deaf bitch"
8>Be a language sperg so I can already do some basic ASL signs, please, thank you, me, you, sorry, ok, no etc.
9>One day I get the ticket for her address
10>Huh, Medium pizza, diet coke, potato skins
11>Excited to try out some ASL on a real deaf girl
12>Roll up to her house, knock the door
13>Hear loud thumping on hardwood floor
14>Door flies open
15>Skinny as fuck woman, greasy as fuck hair, dead skin all over her face, house smelled fucking horrible
16>Stains all over her clothes, and I mean ALL over.
17>Hand over the food, she takes it and puts it inside, then shoves 15 dollars at me
18>Count it up, then sign "Thank you. bye"
19>Her eyes lit up and she signed "you sign?"
20>"A little, bye
21>From that day forward on her special instructions she always asked for "the blonde one to deliver and would tip pretty well
22>Whenever I delivered she would try and get me to come in but I couldn't because I was on the job
23>All of the pizzabois kept saying that I was going there to fuck her on top of the pizza
24
25>Doesn't matter, keep delivering anyway
26>A few months roll by
27>One friday night she's my last delivery, boss said to take it and bring the money and slip in next morning because it's a 30 minute round tip and he wanted to close up early.
28>Whatever, fine.
29>Medium Meatball Pizza, potato skin, diet coke
30>Zip over to her house, knock the door
31>She opens up
32>She looks like she's showered for a change, good for you lady.
33> Hand her food over
34>15 dollars in return
35>she signs "Hello Anon, how are you?"
36>"Ok, last delivery, going home so... very good. tired"
37>She smiles "I have coffee, would you like coffee?"
38>Thought she'd bring it to the door, so I said sure
39>"Great! come in! I'll make coffee"
40>Oh, well, fuck it I'm technically off work, might as well
41>Follow her inside, she leads me into the den
42>Her... mom? maybe? is asleep on the couch
43>Cats, everywhere, I must have counted at least 6
44>Fucking reeks, I think I know where the smell is coming from now, furry little piss machines
45>She comes back with coffee and sets it down on the coffee table, then opens up her pizza.
46> "Want one?"
47> "No thank you, thank you..."
48> Dont know the sign for coffee, just point to it
49> "She smiles and points to the cup, then signs coffee.
50> "right, ok"
51> "Where do you live"?
52> "Far from here", spell out town name.
53> "Wow, and you deliver all the way here?"
54> "Yeah, I travel a long way for work"
55> Talk like this for a while, basic sentences, kinda creepy vibe, just some old lady snoring away in an otherwise completely silent room, no TV, no Radio, but a shitload of old books and a laptop straight out of 2001.
56>If they're this poor why is she ordering pizza so much?
57>Finish up coffee, she finishes half of the pizza, then closes the box, takes the cup and goes into the kitchen and comes back
58>Pull out phone to check the time/messages
59>She picks up her phone and signs "Can we message?"
60> hesitate, but fuck it, she's probably just lonely and she seems like a nice person.
61
62>She sent me back a text and I saved her number in my phone
63>The box only has her last name, I dont think she ever told me her name... did she?
64>She taps my shoulder and spells out "Lydia"
65>"Oh, Lydia, thats a nice name."
66>"Thank you anon. your name is nice."
67>Cat allergies start flairing, take it as my queue to leave
68>"I have to get going, it'll be past midnight before I get back. Thank you for the coffee"
69>"No problem, I'll message you"
70>Grab helmet and gloves, say bye at the door, go home
71>Get in, can still smell the house on me and my eyes are stinging due to cat allergies
72>Strip and throw clothes into the hamper
73>Take a shower
74>Come out, look at phone
75>5 new messages. all from Lydia
76>Oh shit, ok...
77>Pretty much all of them are "thanks for stopping bye, it was nice to hang out with someone for a change, thanks for your number too, sorry if my mom is weird, she likes to sleep on the sofa, sorry if you were uncomfortable, sorry if our house is strange, it usually looks better but it's been a busy week etc"
78>Too tired, I'll message back tomorrow.
79>Wake up
80>1 new message
81>"Good Morning Anon!"
82>Sent: 5am
83>Lol well ok
84>message back good morning, told her not to sweat the house stuff, it was nice to offer me a coffee after my shift ended
85>Then we entered the "getting to know you" phase, which kind of feels like friendly interrogation
86>"I'm reading a book at the moment, do you read books?"
87>"I like to play online chess, do you play chess? what other games do you play?"
88>"I'm making pasta salad for my mom and me, do you like pasta?"
89>"Do you always ride a bike or is it just for work?"
90>"I've always want to know how you know signs, do you have a deaf family member? etc"
91>Tell myself Eh, she seems lonely and is probably just not used to talking to people, it's not a big deal, shes probably just excited
92>Answer her questions, fire some back at her to keep the convo going so it seems less of a one-sided interrogation
93
94>This keeps up all day and I established that:
95> She plays chess, a lot
96> She reads books a lot
97> She pretty much sticks to italian cuisine (pasta, gnocchi, salad, pizza etc)
98> She doesn't drive and neither does her mom so getting around is hard/expensive as she lives in the sticks.
99>She's doing a distance learning course
100> She likes watching DVDs (with subs)
101> Her cats names are all named human names. didn't have the heart to tell her I'm super allergic to cats, didn't seem relevant to tell her that and didnt want to make her feel bad that I spent 2 hours filling my lungs with cat hair and spent the remainder of the evening rubbing my eyes.
102>"I've never been on a bike before, do you ever have passengers besides pizza haha"
103>"erm... yes rarely"
104>"thats really cool, I'd like to do that someday"
105> thought nothing of it, the week rolls by, I deliver pizza to her on the thursday and she tried on my helmet (her hair was greasy again but whatever, it's a helmet)
106>Saturday rolls around, I deliver her the usual, she asks if I want to come in again.
107>"Sorry, Gotta go back to work, maybe next time"
108>She looks disappointed, but signs "ok, see you next time anon"
109> Get back to pizza house, other guys giving me the "hurr hurr, check it the pizza jiggalo is back, check his dick for grease" etc
110> Go sit on the delivery bench, whip out phone
111> "Wanna come round after your shift ends?"
112> Oh fuck, not really? I dont want to reek of cat piss and get itchy eyes again, but if I go home at 10 I'll just go to bed and it is saturday.
113> "Better idea, I was planning to go home straight after work but if you want to we can go for a ride?"
114> Almost immediate "YES OMG THAT SOUNDS GREAT!"
115> Well shit, ok.
116> Finish shift, ride back to her place
117> She comes out in a long dress and nothing else.
118> "Sorry, wrong clothes, you'll get cold"
119> "sorry, ill be a few minutes"
120>Comes out in sweater and jeans
121>Give her my helmet and jacket, if she comes off I dont want her dying.
122
123>Before we get on, I take her through the rules
124>"get on the back, pull your feet up, wrap your arms around my waist strong. do not lean either way, i'll balance, if you get scared just shout and I'll stop"
125> Got on, she got on, felt her leg on the back of my thigh, she wrapped her arms around my waist
126> Decide to go to the 7-11 so we can get soda, it's a 30 minute round trip so it's fairly short for a new rider
127> Start off slow
128> I can hear her nervous giggling and she wraps her hands in extra tight as I open the throttle, can feel her heavy breathing.
129> Roads are nice and empty, just a nice, chill cruise to the 7-11
130> Park up. put my thumb up to let her know she can get off, dismount
131> She's literally jumping up and down giggling
132>Smile, take the helmet off
133> Signing so fast I cant make heads or tails of what she's trying to say.
134> "Did you like it?"
135> "yes yes!"
136> "wasn't scary?"
137> "a little but it was fun, thank you!"
138> "Want to get drink with me?"
139> "yes!"
140>Go in, grab cokes and some chocolate, sit outside on the bench and drink up, talk to her about how the ride was
141>She loved it apparently, she said it was the most exciting thing she's done in years
142>Heh wow, and that was going 25 as to not spook her
143>Chill out for a good half hour, a nice warm summer night.
144>Getting towards 11:30pm, decide it's time to head back
145>Tell her it's time to go and hand her my helmet, she puts in on.
146>We have another chilled out ride back. Ride up to her house and turn the bike off
147>She takes the helmet off and puts it on the handle bar
148>"Thank you, that was really fun. Do you want to come in?"
149>"Sorry, I need to go home, It was fun, thanks for coming"
150>"Ok, I'll text you. Bye anon!"
151>"Bye Lydia"
152>Head home
153
154>This sort of Saturday night ride becomes a regular thing for a couple of months, we'd go to the 7-11, the park, the local tavern with a pool table (always dead in there, just old people drinking beer at the bar watching TV. owner didn't care that i was under 21 as I never tried to order alcohol, Lydia didn't either. We just drank cokes and played pool)
155>The friendship seems solid and it's nice to do something other than go straight home and play the vidya after work, almost feels like I'm living the normal teenage experience
156>Her mom isn't deaf (just old, like, mid 60s old) and I got to speak to her a few times over the months when she came outside to say hello (she's very fat and doesn't move well), tells me it's great that we're friends and that she seems happier etc.
157> One saturday I've got the night off and she texts me to see if I'm working, I tell her no, she asks if I want to go out and get dinner with her instead.
158>Fuck it, ok. ask what she has in mind
159>"What about... a steak?"
160>"Sure, I know where we can go, i'll come by around 5."
161>We go to a steakhouse and get steak and fries each
162>We talk and joke while we eat, same old same old
163>She asks what I'd like to do after dinner
164>"Dunno, kinda figured I'd drop you home and then go home"
165>"We could watch a DVD if you want?"
166>Think for a sec, that mean either going to the cinema which... I hate the cinema. Or going to hers which... my fucking eyes.
167> Or my house... She's never been to my house. I've known her a few months and my parents know I hang out with her, she's come up in conversation a few times. so I guess it's ok if I call ahead and let them know I'm bringing a friend over
168>"We could watch a movie, want to go to my house? I'll have to ask my mom first though."
169>"That would be great!"
170>"Ok, i'll go call"
171>Go to the bathroom, call my mom, mom gives the go ahead.
172>Finish up, ride back to my house
173>Mom greets us at the door and takes her coat
174>Interpret moms niceties for her
175
176>After the pleasantries have been exchanged we go to the basement/game room (no i'm not a richfag, it's basically just an unfinished basement with a big old read-projection TV we got for cheap, an Xbox and sofa)
177>I pull out the box of DVDs and ask her to pick one
178>she flicks through the titles until she sees the pianist
179>fucking adrian brody... ok. fine.
180>Throw the DVD in the xbox and load it up, run upstairs to grab some chips, salsa, candy and cokes
181>Mom pops her head around the door to the Den
182>Gives me a dirty smile
183>"I guess I can wait until tomorrow to do the laundry, have fun with Lydia anon"
184>fuck off mom we're just watching a movie
185>Come back down, start the movie off.
186>Feeling cozy, subs are on, eating chips and drinking cokes watching handsome man Adrian Brody see poland get ravaged during WW2.
187
188>We're watching, she gets sucked into the movie and is watching pretty intensely, I find it ok but not particularly gripping or anything
189>She tears up at some of the more dramatic scenes like when the Nazis decide to burn Warsaw to the ground.
190>At the end of the movie she takes a minute to reflect on it all, then turns to me
191>"I heard it was a good movie but that was... wow."
192>"Yeah it's really sad, Most war movies are like that though."
193>She nods
194>"I dont like movies that make me feel bad, I wouldn't have watched that alone, too bad."
195>"Me too, I prefer comedies"
196>"Can we watch another? Something happy?"
197>Look at phone, 11:34
198>"It's getting a little late, it's saturday so its ok for me, wont your mom worry?"
199>She thought for a moment
200>"No I think she'll be ok"
201>"Should I call and make sure? I'd feel bad if she worried"
202>"Ok"
203>She pulled out her phone and showed me her house number, I called and told her mom we were at my place watching movies and that Lydia wanted to stick around and watch another and offered to let her sleep over on the sofa, my mom wouldn't mind etc.
204>Got the ok
205>Told Lydia she was cool with it.
206>Watched TV for a little, then put another movie on
207>Eventually 3am rolls around and I'm pretty beat
208>Look over and Lydia is already asleep
209>Decide to stay put and just turn the TV and all but 1 dim lamp off
210>Fall asleep
211
212>Wake up around 8am
213>Look over
214>Lydia is still fast asleep
215>Decide I better start the day as she'll need to go home pretty soon after waking up
216>Head upstairs, quickly shit and shower, get dressed, head back down
217>She's shifted around but is still asleep
218>Go into the kitchen and grab 2 cups of coffee from the coffee machine
219>Mom stands at the doorway
220>"So... I didnt hear you leave and come back, did she stay over?"
221>"yes."
222>mom gives that look and giggles as she walks away
223>Ignore it
224>Head back down
225>Put the coffee on the coffee table, turn on the TV and switch to the news, watch the news for 30 minutes.
226>Lydia stirs
227>Takes a moment to realize where she is, then looks over at me
228>"Goodmorning, coffee" I sign, pointing to the cup on the table
229>"Good morning anon" she signs back
230>She takes a sip then settles back down onto the sofa and pulls the blanket back around herself
231>Guess it's not time to get up yet
232>Keep watching the news
233>Look over at her every so often
234>an hour go by, getting kinda bored watching TV
235> look over, no change
236>Fuck, I think she's nested.
237>Decide to go and get more enticing bait
238>Go and make a few slices of nutella toast and replace the coffee
239> Not sure whether thats what did it or not, but she does stir and look over
240> "for me?" she signs
241> "Yes" I sign back
242> She smiles and takes the plate and starts eating
243> I guess they eat breakfast in their house.
244> After munching down the toast I grab my gear, then we get on the bike and I take her home.
245> At her house she hops off the bike and gives the jacket and helmet back, then signs "I haven't had so much fun in a long long time, thank you so much!"
246> "No problem, it was very fun" I sign back
247> She gives me a quick hug, I start the bike and wave, then I head off to get chores done before work.
248
249>Do just that, go home, get chores done
250>Go to work
251>Lydia texts me during this time very excited that we watched a movie together and starts asking what other kinds of movies we could watch.
252>Of course the matter of when the next time comes up
253>I really don't know, I usually just accept whatever hours I can at work because money is great
254>Look at rota
255>Not on Satuday
256>"Next Friday Night or Saturday? I finish at 10pm"
257>Lydia agrees and the rest of the week goes by as normal, deliver to her on Wednesday and say hi and text during the meantime
258>Friday finally rolls around and I pick her up after my shift ends, 
259> We go back to my place and watch "Down Periscope" (Fucking funny movie if you've never seen it btw)
260>During the movie she smiles and taps my shoulder
261>She pulls a small bottle of peppermint schnapps out of her bag
262>"Would you like some to put in your drink?"
263>"Sure, thank you"
264>Well this is a nice treat, we didn't really have a liquor cabinet as my mom likes hard cider and wine, she was never a fan of spirits.
265>Drink the peppermint coke, get cozy, watch Kelsey Grammer command a submarine
266>After the movie we put the news on and chill
267> She's not drunk but Lydia is a little buzzed
268> She taps me on the shoulder and signs
269> "I hope we can always do this, I'm really happy getting to be here with you."
270> oh shit, okay cool
271> "Thanks, it's fun to hang out with you too"
272> "You're my best friend"
273> Getting a little serious, but ok.
274> "You're my only friend, I don't know if you've noticed but I'm not..."
275> Shit, whats the word... spell it out
276> "popular."
277> I shrug and smile
278> She giggles and signs "I have online friends but I know what you mean, I'm like you."
279> "I have online friends too. I had friends in school but they went to college"
280> She pulls a sullen face all of a sudden and nods to herself
281> "I'm doing distance degree, it's easier for me"
282> She pointed at her ears and smirked
283> "Will you go to college next year?"
284
285>"I don't really know. Still not sure what I want to do."
286>She smiled and poured out some more schnapps
287>"I know that feeling too. I'm doing pre-law."
288>"You've mentioned that. I think thats pretty cool."
289>"You mean B-O-R-I-N-G" she signs, tapping out the word on her hand sluggishly.
290>"No really, I think it's cool. I'm probably not smart enough for it."
291>"I'm no genius, if I can do law, you could too if you wanted to. I can show you my work some time if you're interested. It's not as hard as you would think"
292> "that would be cool. You're getting a little fast with the schapps aren't you?"
293> she shook her head
294> "it's ok, it's not very strong if it's mixed"
295> All the same I kind of took it upon myself to slow the booze train down a little by taking shorter and fewer sips
296> We put Comedy Central on and sort of just watched for a while
297> 1:30am, better check to see if she wants to go home, ask her
298>She looks a little dissapointed
299> "Do you want me to go?"
300> "It's up to you, I'll call your mom and tell her you're stopping over again if you're too tired."
301>"I already told her I'll be back tomorrow"
302>Ookay, a little presumptuous but not a big deal
303>"Okay then, I'll get you some blankets."
304>"You're going up?"
305>"Yeah, going to go to bed"
306>She sat and thought for a moment
307>"Can I come too?"
308>wat.jpg
309>"I... maybe? I'm sure I could find you some old clothes if you want."
310>She nodded and we cleaned up, then went up to my room
311>I went into my closet and got an old T-Shirt and some boxers she could use as bed shorts
312>"I'm going to go wash/brush, I'll get a new brush out for you."
313>I went and washed up, she got changed in my closet, then she washed up and I put my bed shorts and shirt on
314>I set up the end of the bed so we could sleep head to toe, figured it best to avoid anything too weird, kind of thought I might be overdoing it too but safer than just assuming she'd be cool with spooning.
315>She came back, we got in and went to sleep
316>Wake up
317>She'd moved.
318
319>Lydia had moved in the night (probably got up to go to the bathroom)
320>Instead of head to toe, we were now head to arm in a spooning position
321>I didn't mind really, in fact I thought I'd been overly cautious with the head to toe thing because I didnt want her to think that I was trying to indirectly get fresh.
322>I thought probably shifted because it's warmer this way
323>First time being this close to any girl ever though so naturally I was a little out of my depth
324>I probably would have enjoyed it more if her head wasn't directly on top of my bicep, I'd woken up because the pins and needles in the arm she was on had reached its breaking point
325>it was to the point where I was trying to move my fingers and couldn't
326>Surprising how a small, skinny girl could put enough pressure on my arm to cause this
327>Decided to move my arm nice and quick in one smooth motion
328>Pressed my other hand down behind her neck to create a pocket I could use to drag my arm though
329>Used my body maneuver the dead arm into that pocket and slide it out
330>She stirred a little in doing this, but it worked
331>Dead arm hurt like hell as the feeling started to return, used my other hand to manually move my fingers and wrist to get the bloodflow back until I could do it solo with the dead arm.
332>After dealing with all that I looked over at the clock, it was only around 7:30am and the daybreak light from outside was coming through my windows
333>There's probably no chance of me getting back to sleep at this point, too awake and I'd usually be up at 8am anyway
334>Figure I'd take a quick shower while she was asleep
335>Gently got out of bed and went to the bathroom, hopped in the shower
336>In the shower I thought about my current situation, part of me thought that maybe she just wasn't socially savvy and maybe the whole re-positioning was because I'd put my foot in her face while I was asleep or something and she moved to avoid it.
337>Another path of me thought maybe it was intentional
338
339>The possibility certainly exists. Over the past few months we have gotten pretty close.
340>Then again maybe she was just cold. We are in October now and our house gets pretty cold at night.
341>Thoughts like this sort of swirled around in my head for a while. I'd never really had much to do with girls throughout my life apart from one female cousin and I saw her maybe once a year when I was much younger.
342>Then I started questioning my own feelings. I'm not one to kid myself but I thought about it and I honestly didn't feel very strongly about Lydia. She's a friend... who is sort of emboldened herself recently and has boundary issues maybe, but she's a nice person.
343>It just isn't like me to take the initiative and possibly over complicate the first real friendship I've had in years.
344>I ultimately I decided this train of thought was going nowhere and that I was just over analyzing and working myself up over nothing.
345>With that I turned off the shower, dried myself and wrapped the towel around my waist.
346>I gently opened the door to my room, Lydia hadn't moved so it was safe to assume she was still asleep.
347>I went in and started digging around in my closet for clothes and found an outfit
348>After getting dressed I switched my PC on and browsed the internet for a while
349>A little while later Lydia sat up and I turned around
350>"Morning" she signed, half asleep, trying to brush the hair out of her face
351>"Morning" I signed back, "sleep good?"
352>She thought for a second
353>"Yes. You S-n-o-r-e"
354>"How could you tell?"
355>"Vibrations"
356>"Did it bother you?"
357>"no" she sat and thought again, then smiled
358>"It was nice. different."
359>I smiled and signed back "ok"
360>"It's still early, want to go down and watch TV?"
361>She signed "ok" and got out of bed and headed straight for the bathroom, afterwards we headed down, made some toast and went into the basement and put the TV on.
362>As she sat eating her toast she signed to me "How come you're dressed early?"
363
364>"Showered"
365>She leaned in, then sat back again
366>"Smells nice"
367>"yeah"
368>"You always smell good"
369>"Riding gear makes me sweat so I end up showering often"
370>She sat for a moment eating her toast
371>"Do I smell bad?"
372>Well she sometimes smells and the dead skin and greasy hair is a dead giveaway that she doesn't wash often, but thats not always the case and when we go out she usually cleans up, but I didn't want to hurt her feelings, so I answered with
373>"You smell like a girl"
374>She laughed
375>"Thats not an answer"
376>"But its true."
377>"I'm deaf, not stupid. I know I smell right now."
378>"I can't smell you"
379>"You couldn't smell me in bed?"
380>"Yes, you smelled like a girl there too"
381>She laughed again and shook her head
382>"You're a bad liar anon"
383>"Why would I lie?"
384>"Because you're nice"
385>"Not that nice" I said before picking up her toast and taking a big bite out of it
386>She got up and reached for the toast as I raised my arm up, then as I swiveled my body around to face her and steady myself to raise my arm higher she pushed me and used my arm to pull herself up.
387>She really didn't have any sense of boundaries thats for sure, seems she was more than comfortable.
388>and it's harsh to say but I was lying about the smell, her boobs were pressed on my face and they smelled very sweaty and I know it wasn't the shirt as that was clean
389>She tore the toast out of my fingers (leaving the corner of the slice still in my fingers) and put it in her mouth, and while giggling pushed her armpit down onto my head, laughing loudly.
390>I'll admit it was a little overwhelming to have a girl roughing me, going from no physical contact in ages, to some, then a lot, aggressively was a little much but she seemed to be having loads of fun.
391>I tapped the side of the sofa signalling I'd given up and she released her grip from around my head
392>Then she did something I never thought I'd hear, she leaned close to my ear and in the quietest, tiniest voice said "dowd yu"
393
394>The gravity of her speaking was immense, you have to realize that I'd spent months around her and the closest I ever got to hearing her say anything was her laughing or sighing or making to "oohhhhh" sound at some part in a movie, no actual words formed ever, the entire time.
395>I was extremely taken aback by it, Ironically her talking left me speechless.
396>I bought my hands up to sign something but the words wouldn't come, she looked a little worried
397>The laughter in the room turned into this tense feeling as she stared down at me, her laughing had stopped and her face had turned into a worried concern.
398>Finally, one word care to me, one that I couldn't sign because I didnt know it, so I spelled it
399>I-N-C-R-E-D-I-B-L-E
400>she got off me and sat up, then looked down
401>"She signed I sound stupid."
402>"No you don't."
403>She took a deep breath
404>"Don't lie, people laugh at me"
405>"I didn't."
406>She sat quietly for a moment, then took a deep breath and looked at me with tears in her eyes.
407>I'm going to cut out the phonetics she used as it's unfair, you can all imagine what a deaf person sounds like.
408>"Promise?"
409>"I promise"
410>She took another deep breath then nodded to herself, I rubbed her back and then she sort of slumped down next to me
411>We stayed like that for a while, she was collecting her thought and I didn't really have any
412>I was still blown away that she could actually make words. I had always assumed she couldn't make any words at all. It was mind blowing.
413>Finally she looked up and smiled, then signed
414>"Thank you"
415>"For what?"
416>"For always being nice. I didn't know people could be as nice as you."
417>"Most people aren't. I'm not convinced I am really."
418>She giggled
419>"You are."
420>"Well if I am, you are too..."
421>I thought for a second and formulated what I wanted to say
422>Thank you for sharing your voice with me. I don't know if anyone has ever told you, you have a nice voice."
423>She smiled, and spoke again
424>"I'll try to speak more"
425
426>Then she signed "Only if you help me. I know I'm bad"
427>"If you think it'll help you, ok deal"
428>So from that day on, when we were alone she did try speaking, and gradually, with a lot of patience, trial and error, and reassurance a lot of common words got a lot more fluid and easy to articulate.
429>One friday night after work she texted me and asked "Anon Hey, What are you doing later?"
430>"Nothing. Was planning to go straight home. Kinda tired."
431>"I bought a new movie!"
432>"What movie?"
433>"Beverley Hills Chihuahua!"
434>Damn that sounds a flaming bag of shit
435>"ok I'm in. Be done in a couple of hours. need to pick up food on the way, moms out and I don't wanna cook."
436>"You work at a pizza delivery company?"
437>"Yeah but if I ate that all the time I'd get fat."
438>"I dont."
439>"Some of us aren't so lucky."
440>"Well what are you going to get?"
441>"Probably stop off and get some chicken fried rice"
442>"Ok, see you later"
443>After the shift I rode down to her house and text her to say I was outside
444>A few minutes later she came out
445>We went and picked up food, then rode to my house and set ourselves up in the basement
446>We had ourselves a pretty chilled out night eating rice and watching what to this day still stands as the worst movie that tried to be a decent movie I've ever seen
447>Around 1:30pm we decide to call it and I asked if she wanted a ride home
448>She shook her head and said "If It's ok I'll stay here, mom knows"
449>Mine doesn't. but Lydia has been coming over almost every friday for months and past her teasing I thought my mom was just happy I wasn't sitting in the basement by myself
450>She'd commented that since my friends left for college I was lonely and that Lydia made me "seem like my normal self", of course she always ruined it with "so have you poked her yet?"
451>I text her anyway because it's polite, just a quick "Hey, Lydias staying over, too late to drive back, saved you some leftover chinese food in the fridge. cya tomorrow"
452
453>As we got into my room I grabbed what had now been dubbed her pyjamas and handed them to her
454>I went into the bathroom and washed up, then changed into my own, then we switched places whilst I got the bed ready
455>Head to toe was pointless now as she'd made it clear she doesent prefer it and doesn't care about the dick-to-ass alignment sleeping normally brings.
456>Luckily to my knowledge by body had never betrayed me and gone to full mast whilst I was asleep either, so I just tidied the sheets and rolled the blanket down
457>She came back in with her pyjamas on and got on top of the covers
458>I leaned over to turn the light off and she tapped me
459>"Whats up?" I signed
460>"Nothing" she signed back, a little pensively
461>I waited a moment to see if she would continue on
462>"If you're sure, goodnight" I signed and then leaned over again
463>"Wait" she said, I looked back over and sat up to face her
464>"Whats up?" I signed again, this time waiting.
465>"Something wrong?"
466>"No, it's just hard to say"
467>"Ok, I'll wait"
468>At this point I thought maybe assuming not head-to-toe was a blunder and it had made her uncomfortable
469>Finally she came out with it
470>"Are we more than friends?"
471>Oh boy, I guess tonights the night we get all this out in the opened
472>"I don't know. I know normal friends don't share a bed, so we're closer than just friends I think."
473>She thought about my answer for a moment, I think she was trying to read between the lines
474>"So... You think we're more than friends, but not together?"
475>"Well we've never talked about that. I thought if anything happened, it would happen naturally."
476>She paused... then signed "Naturally?? What does... What?" and grinned
477>"I've never been in a relationship before" I signed, kind of embarassed
478>"You're so cute. You're so weird!" she signed. Laughing still
479>We'd never really spoken about relationships. I always just assumed neither of us had been in one. No time like the present to ask, she bought it up.
480
481>"Have you had a boyfriend?" I signed
482>Still smiling, she shook her head "no. never."
483>I felt a tinge of relief, which was comforting but a little surprising at the same time.
484>She tapped my knee
485>"Well, I like this." she said, pointing at the both of us
486>"I do too."
487>Quickly she put her hand over my eyes, then kissed me on the lips. It was very brief, like a peck.
488>Afterwards it dawned on me that she had just given me my first kiss
489>She sat watching me, smiling.
490>"That was... wow"
491>She put her hand on mine, and taking that as my queue, I pulled her close and kissed her back.
492>It's interesting how little goes through your head in these situations, it's more about feelings than thoughts.
493>My stomach was all over the place as we sat there kissing, that much I remember. It was amazing and terrifying all at once.
494>she bought her arms up and put them around my face and neck
495>I gently pushed her down onto the bed and we made out for a while.
496>after we got tired I lay down on my pillow and she scootched up next to me and put her head on my chest
497>Before going to sleep (which believe me took a while) I had a myriad of thoughts, ranging everywhere from "oh fuck, we cant go back from this" to "this is great, I'm so happy she felt the same"
498>Ultimately I settled on "well no turning back now." before falling asleep.
499>When I woke up she was sitting stroking my arm.
500>"Good morning" she said quietly. "How did you sleep?"
501>"I slept good" I signed, "you?"
502>"very good" she signed, settling down next to me
503>I stroked her arm for a little while, then she pulled it close and kissed my hand
504>We pretty much spent the whole day in my house, cuddling, kissing, watching TV, talking about stupid stuff we'd usually talk about.
505>It really did just feel like the natural progression of "us". It's hard to explain it but it felt right. it felt natural being like this.
506>After the day ended I dropped her home and we kissed before she went inside.
507
508>"I'm not lying"
509>"For hells sake you're my son! You don't think I know when you're lying!?"
510>"WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO SAY!?"
511>"THE TRUTH!"
512>"THERE'S NOTHING TO SAY!"
513>"SIT DOWN!"
514>"GET OUT OF MY WAY! JUST LEAVE IT!"
515>She ripped the plate out of my hand and threw it into the kitchen, smashing it on the floor
516>"THERE, NOW YOU DONT NEED TO GO ANYWHERE. 
517>Please. Honey... just talk to me. I hate seeing you like this honey... look at this."
518>She was right. My mom and I never argue. She's always been there for me
519>That look in her eye broke my mood. It was a genuine look of fear with sadness and concern thrown in.
520>I slumped back down into my chair
521>She poured a tall glass of water and slid it over to me.
522>"talk to me."
523>when I said "Relationship problems" she wasn't surprised at all.
524>we spent hours going over it. from how it all started, to where we were now.
525>I left out the more colorful stuff
526>Mom knew all too well. The whole time she had a look of understand about her, nothing seemed beyond her grasp as I sat there laying it all out.
527>When I was going over the more recent stuff she kept saying "Honey, you can't live like this. Look at you, you're miserable." and so on, we talked for hours until she knew all of it.
528>"Sounds like she's in a bad place and she's dragging you down with her." my mom said quite matter of factly.
529>"Of course you don't know what you've done. You haven't done anything to make this and you don't deserve it anon.
530>"well what am I supposed to do?"
531>"Tell her to get her shit together or take a hike."
532>"What!? I can't do that!"
533>My mom slammed her hand on the dinner table and I flinched
534>"See what you did there? Do you want to live a life doing that?"
535>She did it again, louder
536>"Every day, waiting for it. What kind of relationship is that? Is that what you want anon?"
537>No
538>She slammed her fist down
539>"I'll be damned if you do it to yourself honey. Trust me, the longer you let it go on, the worse it'll get."
540
541>Going to bed that night the barrage of texts from Lydia started up as they normally now did.
542>As usual they started with "hey, what are you up to."
543>"you awake?"
544>"Anon"
545>"hey, text back!"
546>"anon text back!"
547>"whats the matter?"
548>"fine, be that way."
549>"what did I do?"
550>"Fuck you then. fine,"
551>"TEXT BACK."
552>"WHAT ARE YOU DOING!? ARE YOU OUT? I KNOW YOU DONT HAVE WORK. TEXT BACK NOW."
553>They carried on like that, usually they'll stop when I message back but the consequence of having a little time to myself was always her being extra shitty around me when I saw her next.
554>It carried on and on, to the point where she started ringing and hanging up
555>I thought hard about what mom told me. My memories of my dad are faint enough that I can't remember the worst of it, but I remember that he was a son of a bitch to my mom.
556>Thinking about the parallel got me very angry, and I couldn't sleep, she couldn't either judging by the ongoing barrage.
557>I got up and got dressed, then went downstairs.
558>On my way out my mom caught me and asked me where I was going.
559>I looked over at her and said "I'n going to talk to Lydia"
560>I think it was probably the look on my face, but mom nodded and said "Good for you honey. I'll be up."
561>I grabbed my gear and got on my bike. Her house is a good 25 minute ride so it was a lot of time to think about the situation.
562>I chose to just focus on getting there though, I knew myself well enough to know that if I think about it, I'll just talk myself right out of the thing I wanted.
563>When I got to her house I cut the engine and sat on the bike for a little while, then took a deep breath and text her, then phoned her for 20 seconds to make sure the vibrations got her attention
564>Eventually I saw the light come on and she came down the steps
565>She was pretty livid, she was giving me the shit-eye and she had this march about her that just rubbed me the wrong way, as if she was stomping towards a naughty child or a bad employee.
566
567>With a furious look on her face, it started.
568>"What are you doing here!?"
569>"I came to talk to you. We need to talk."
570>"WHAT!? you dont text me back for HOURS and you want to talk!?"
571>"Stop."
572>"WHAT!?" she signed, furrowing her brow more. I remained steadfast and continued.
573>"This is why I came here. I'm not doing this anymore"
574>It hurt to express that, none of this felt good. I felt sick the entire time.
575>"I'm not your pet or your bitch. You dont own me and it's messed up you think it's ok to talk to me like this."
576>I took my phone out of my pocket and held it up to her.
577>"Do you even read what you write? Seriously? Calling me a loser? acting like you're entitled to my time? What the hell is that?"
578>"It's not like that! Why are you being an idiot!?"
579>"See! That there! that's what I'm talking about."
580>She got even angrier, the more I tried to talk to her, the more walls she threw up and the angrier she got
581>The angrier she got, the more hopeless it felt to try and talk to her about it all.
582>This went on for about half an hour, trying to explain it to her was impossible, every point, every example was slapped down and met with "pussy", "idiot", "loser", "baby"
583>Tears streamed down her face as she angrily clenched her teeth. eventually we hit a brick wall, whatever I tried to communicate, she answered with "fuck off" and "go!"
584>I got so pissed off I hit my breaking point. I couldn't take it anymore.
585>"Thats it. I'm done. You've turned into this nasty bitch and I'm not putting up with it. You need help Lydia, real help, I hope you get it."
586>She screamed "FUCK YOU!" after I signed that out to her, a loud, gutteral scream, followed by her enraged screams "FUCK YOU! I HATE YOU! GET OUT OF HERE, FUCK OFF YOU ASSHOLE! I HATE YOU!"
587>That tirade hurt way more than you'd think. It burned. but it solified my resolve.
588>I threw my helmet back on and started the bike. I didn't want her trying to get in front of me so I took off.
589
590>As I rode away I could see her in my mirror screaming and it tore me up inside, I desperately wanted to turn around and say I'm sorry, pick her up and give her a hug, hold her and tell her I didn't mean it to calm her down.
591>I rode out of her street and kept going. It was impossible to concentrate, the whole thing shook me up pretty badly and I was getting lost inside my thoughts.
592>Eventually I pulled into the carpark of a supermarket (which at this time of night was dead save for a couple of cars dotted around that had been left there overnight) and I cut the engine
593>I took the helmet off to get some cold air around my head and took some deep breaths to try and calm down, it felt like it was working, but it didn't.
594>I sat on the curb and put my hands on my head.
595>I felt completely wrecked, my mind was soley on her and all I could think about was how much of an asshole I was to leave her in the street like that, screaming
596>"I HATE YOU!", "GET OUT OF HERE!"
597>Those cut deeper than anything I'd ever felt in my life at this point. You have to understand that through all of her faults I still loved her more than anything.
598>Hearing someone you love scream those words in your face at the top of their voice with such a look of hatred and disgust is horrifying, I think that's what got to me most
599>You hear people say "I felt torn" a lot but you never really appreciate how that feels until you've lived it. So many conflicting thoughts and feelings going on in your head and stomach all at once, it's maddening.
600>What should I have done? Could I have said something to make her see what was wrong? Did she even care? Was I always just a plaything to her? Was it all a lie and she'd just gotten bored?
601>It was me. I should have tried harder, I should have stopped this before it got out of hand, I should have seen what was bothering her, I pushed her away.
602>I sat there for about an hour going in circles in my head.
603
604>I got most in my own thoughts until my phone rang, I knew it was probably mom. Lydia only calls to get my attention and I hadn't received any messages.
605>I took a deep breath and picked up. "Hello?"
606>"Honey are you ok? Are you still there?"
607>"No... I left a while ago, I'm ok."
608>"Where are you?"
609>"I'm at the stripmall parking lot, by the supermarket."
610>"Oh honey... Stay put, I'll come out to you, I'll be there in 10"
611>"It's ok, I'll come home in a while. I'm ok."
612>"ok... stay safe honey."
613>I meant to get up and go but I just didn't have the energy. I probably could have stayed much longer. It was only half past midnight, I stayed there for another half an hour thinking about the mess I was in.
614>Eventually a familiar sounding engine flew past on the main road and pulled into the parking lot.
615>parking up next to me, mom stepped out of her old 1990 Toyota Camry in her dressing gown and slippers, then took a seat on the kerb next to me
616>she said softly "hey sweetie, you doing ok?"
617>I nodded, and she rubbed my back
618>"I couldn't do anything. she just wouldn't listen to me."
619>Mom nodded with a sypathetic smile and kept rubbing my back
620>I told mom what happened when I got to Lydias house, how it all happened too fast, how it just spun out of control and before I knew it this great thing I'd helped create all came crashing down around me in minutes.
621>Mom sat and listened intently through all of it, and at the end she said what I needed to hear.
622>"It's not your fault."
623>I looked up at her, and she patted my arm. 
624>"Peoples problems are rarely obvious at first. Some people put up all these walls and pretend they're someone they're not. Someone they think the other wants them to be..."
625>"Nobody can keep that up forever. Eventually, the act falls apart and you see them for who they really are. Sometimes it'll only takes a week, sometimes years."
626>She stood up and reached out her hand
627>"Cmon, lets go home"
628
629>About 2 weeks went by without so much as a text from Lydia
630>She stopped requesting me on her orders and I sure as hell wasn't taking them, if I was handed the slip I passed to someone else and let one of the other guys take it.
631>It got to the point where I was seriously thinking that I never mattered at all to her
632>I was pissed for wasting so much time getting better at communicating with her. In that span of time I went from a couple dozen words to hundreds, now it was just useless knowledge floating around in my brain, I'd probably never use it again.
633>One night I was in the basement and my phone started getting messages, one after another, 1msg, 2msg, 3msg, so on. I knew who it was so I just let it keep going.
634>about 40ish texts in total before it stopped. Damn near filled my inbox.
635>I picked up the phone and thought about it for a minute, is this some kind of long fuck you text? is she going to try and drag me back into that circus?
636>Fuck it. Lets see what she has to say.
637>I had this weird boiling feeling in the top of my head as I read the texts, but not out of anger. It's hard to describe. It was like a very extreme form of anxiety.
638>In these texts she went through what happened in her own words and reasons she thought played into it all
639>She mentioned that she was bullied.
640>Nobody ever bothered trying to communicate with her, in school not a single student bothered to try to speak to her
641>she went into detail about almost making friends and then pushing them away due to being too clingy and obsessive.
642>Her dad lives a few states away and since childhood she's only seen him once a year, if that.
643>She eventually closed herself off and just focused on academics until highschool ended, then when that nightmare was over she shut herself away.
644>She had become embittered due to how she was treated and was content to just get through her distance degree.
645>Then out of nowhere a pizza boy raised his hand to his chin, smiled and signed "thank you"
646
647>"And just like that, I didnt feel so alone anymore. For the first time in forever I was so surprised and happy I couldn't stay still."
648>She went on to describe our beginnings and how giddy she'd get when she heard my motorcycle pulling up on deliveries. How sweet I always was, how much I tried in learning how to talk to her
649>How the first time she got on the back of the bike she squeezed me extra hard, not because she was scared but because it was a chance to hug me tight and express her feelings for me.
650>She'd began waking up with a smile on her face, thinking of me all day, trying extra hard not to text me every minute just to see how I was doing, Barely being able to wait until she saw me next.
651>How incredible it felt just to be out doing stuff with me, even if it was just running an errand or playing pool
652>In the basement the first night she stopped over she was only pretending to be asleep so she could stay and be with me for just a little bit longer.
653>"But just like every other good thing I've had in my life I twisted it and broke it. Through chance I was given an amazing gift and thought my own doing I ruined it"
654>"I never meant to make you feel so bad. You're the most amazing person I've ever met and I'm sorry for what I've done to you."
655>"I'll never be able to express how much I'm sorry for the things I said and did, I can see now how much of a bitch I was to you. How I was taking my own demons and problems out on you."
656>"I'm so sorry how I acted the last time we met. I've spent every day wishing I could take it all back. I could feel myself getting out of control and I just couldn't stop"
657>"You'll probably never speak to me again and I don't blame you. I just thought you deserved to know everything. I hope you read this because my biggest regret is making you believe that I hate you. I need you to know that isnt true."
658>"I need you to know I've loved you from the moment we met. and that I'm sorry."
659
660>I must have re-read that text about 10 times before I lay down on the couch and put the phone on the floor
661>I put my arms over my eyes and took a deep breath. The conflicting thoughts spiralled on my head.
662>"She obviously put a lot of thought into all that, you can't just say nothing"
663>"She's just trying to bait me into talking to her. I bet the little psychopath will start ringing any minute"
664>"You miss her too and she's poured her heart out there. Shouln't I try to fix things?"
665>"I tried fixing things. You can't "fix" people. She has to figure this all out on her own"
666>"I can't throw this all away"
667>"I didn't. She did."
668>I kept picturing that twisted, manic face screaming "I HATE YOU! GET OUT OF HERE! FUCK YOU!"
669>That crazed, hateful look in her eyes.
670>Those sharp, heavy breaths she was taking
671>That tone in her voice... That hatred. That shrill, spiteful screeching.
672>Those tears...
673>That last thought stuck with me whilst I lay there. She was crying the whole time.
674>How much more had she cried in these two weeks or whilst writing that text.
675>I couldn't just say nothing. That would be the cowards way out. If she thought I deserved that much of an explaination, then she deserves... something. even if it's just goodbyw.
676>Even if it's all a lie and it's just a desperate attempt at hooking me back in, would it really hurt to talk to her and get everything off my chest?
677>Get what of my chest? I can't make up my mind about how I feel.
678>As I got into bed that night those thoughts intensified, I summized that she knew she'd fucked up and she knew how much she'd hurt me, and she had to care or else she'd never have bothered writing it all out.
679>Did I really want that face to be my last memory of her? That Confused, hurt, hateful face?
680>I looked over at "her" side of the bed and pictured very clearly her laughing face, her beautiful smile, her playful pouts and her mischeivous, seductive grins
681>I remember her smile signing "I like this. I like us."
682
683>The next day I went to work and mulled it over in my head. That shift flew by very quickly as I kept my mind on what I should do.
684>At the end of the shift I put my bags back in, cashed out and told my boss to take it easy, then walked out into the parking lot
685>I found myself heading towards the literal crossroad between the way home and the road to Lydias town
686>Without much thought at all I'd already indicated left, I don't know if I was just so used to heading to her place after work it'd become a habit or if I subconciously wanted to go.
687>In that split second I decided to head left. As I turned onto the road and opened the throttle I thought to myself "you fucking dumbass. This better be worth it."
688>I felt sick as I turned down onto her road, the stress amped up the closer I got. seeing her house bought that night flooding back and I just wanted to pull the handle and fly right past.
689>I didn't. I took a deep breath and slowed down, then sat outside her house with the bike idling.
690>It didn't take long for Lydia to open the door. We just stared at each other for a moment, neither of us made a move, we just watched each other.
691>Finally I broke the stalemate and raised my hand to my helmet and signed "Hello".
692>She quickly signed "please stay, give me a moment" and slammed the door.
693>Her bedroom light flicked on for a moment, then off again. Then she came running out in jeans, probably in the hopes that I wasn't just there to drop off her DVDs and hoodie she'd left in my basement.
694>As she cautiously walked towards me I took off the helmet and haned it to her. then signed "I got your text, do you want to go for a ride? We have more to talk about I think"
695>She took a deep breath and nodded, then put the helmet on
696>I handed her the jacket and she carefully lifted her leg over the bike behind me, settling on, she put her thumb up and I pulled away
697
698>I didn't even know where we should go, I wasn't going to take her back to my place, the bar would have the regulars around and I really didn't feel like going anywhere crowded
699>I turned off onto the main road and we went to the 7-11, When I parked up I asked her to take a seat on the bench while I went inside
700>I grabbed 2 cokes and 2 bars of chocolate, I stood looking at the candy hoping that what I wanted to say would come to me but it just wouldn't. I was going to have to wing it
701>I paid at the counter and went outside, then we went and sat on the bench.
702>I handed Lydia her bottle of coke and then twisted the cap off of mine and took a long drink.
703>She just sat there with this worried look on her face, holding the bottle with both hands, staring at me.
704>I put the bottle down on the floor and turned to her, she stared at me with an intense and worried look of anticipation. before I started on what I wanted to say, she teared up
705>"This is the last time we'll do this, isn't it." she signed, trying to hold back from breaking down
706>"... That depends on how this goes." I signed back, trying not to show how much that realization hit me too
707>"I'm sorry" she signed, before she broke down in tears and threw her arms around me
708>"I'm sorry, I'm sorry i'm sorry!" she cried into my ears, gripping me tightly
709>I tried to push her back but it made her grip even tighter, her slender, delicate arms became like a vice around my neck as she screamed "NO ANON! NO PLEASE! STOP! I'M SORRY! PLEASE STOP!"
710>her crying was so loud I couldn't think, it was all I could do just keeping my composure and not fall apart with her.
711>With her like this I couldn't tell her anything, so instead I wrapped my arm around her and held her, I told myself I just wanted to calm her down but looking back on it I'm sure that wasn't the reason
712>I just wanted to hold her.
713
714>We sat holding each other until her crying let up and Lydia calmed down
715>I gently pushed her away so that we were facing each other and I took her hands, rubbing my thumbs over her own
716>Her hands were trembling, almost as if she were waiting for an axe to fall on her.
717>I took my hands away and bought them up to my chest. She didn't look up to meet my gaze
718>I waited for her to be ready but she stayed staring down at her hands for a while, I didn't know whether she was trapped in a thought or if she was purposely choosing to delay what was coming
719>I could hear the crickets chirping and the cars passing on the main road, time was ticking yet here we both were, trapped in this moment, she was trying very hard to stay here because moving forward meant the possibility of me walking out of her life for good.
720>I waited and waited, nothing.
721>In this time I thought a great deal about what I wanted to say. When I was sure, I lifted my hand above her chin and very slowly, very gently bought her head up to face me.
722>Her eyes said it all, those sad, scared eyes pleading for me to stop. I smiled sympathetically at her to reassure her what was coming wouldn't be as bad as she was imagining.
723>"It's ok. Deep breath." I signed.
724>She took a deep breath and looked towards me, so I began
725>"First. Thank you for explaining everything. It really helped me make sense of everything that happened."
726>She took another deep breath and nodded, I continued
727>"... The blame isn't entirely on you. Had I took a stance sooner things may not have spiralled as they did."
728>"no I-"
729>I put my hand over hers to stop her
730>"-Please."
731>She let out a big sigh and put her hands down, I continued.
732>I told her about how I felt when it all went down and how I couldn't make sense of any of it. I then told her about what my mom had said and how it seemed to line up with her explanation of how she thought it all came to this.
733
734>I assured her how nobody is perfect and everybody has shit to deal with, some more than others for sure, but her explanation made it easier to relate.
735>I went into how for the most part grew up without a dad, and the faded memories I still had of him aren't pleasant (after all hearing and then walking into a drunken fist fight when you're 8 isn't healthy, and things like that were commonplace until mom threw him out and divorced him). I went into all this because I wanted to show her that big or small problems are problems and taking them out on people isn't healthy.
736>Lydia remained upset but calm throughout it all, taking moments here and there for deep breaths or to wipe her tears on the sleeve of the jacket.
737>"I think I was very lucky. When I was younger and going through it all it was very hard. It wasn't easy living with someone like that. and I'm sure it's affected me even if its not obvious on the surface."
738>Lydia looked down, I could see new tears making their way down her cheeks as she breathed heavily.
739>I took my coke bottle from the ground and had a drink. Wondering if she knew what I was getting at.
740>After a little while she looked up at me.
741>"I remind you of your dad."
742>"No. What I'm trying to say is that everyone needs help when they find themselves in a hole too big to climb out of... some people see that, others don't."
743>She thought about it, feeling calm enough now to take a drink from her bottle of coke. I think taking the time to explain everything helped her see that I didn't suddenly view her as this monster and she found some assurance in that I didn't bring her here to formally end what we had.
744>Taking a deep breath, she bought her hands up.
745>"If I find someone to talk to... Can we-"
746>She took another deep breath and wiped her eyes.
747>"Can we still be us?"
748>"Lydia, I want you to get better for yourself. Don't do it for me or because of me. If you want to do it, do it for you."
749>"I'll always be your friend Lydia."
750
751>We talked for hours about the type of stuff she could try, what type of people might be best to see, where she could go based on what she could afford, she told me about episodes she'd had in the past and how her anger flies out of control when she's stressed, going into more detail on her texts and citing specific examples of what happened to her at school
752>It was all pretty horrible, some of the stuff described wasn't your run of the mill kids being assholes, but some emotionally devistating stuff
753>She talked about how when growing up she thought her father didnt want to see her because she was broken, and her mom, sincerely trying her best, just didnt have the answers. All she could provide was emotional support. and as her health deteriorated she found that her support had dwindled to nothing.
754>During high school her moms physical conditions meant she was on a lot of pain meds, which meant she slept a lot and when she was up she was very tired.
755>That also had an effect on Lydia because not only was the support not there, but she had to deal with that and everything that came with it on top of all the other stuff.
756>Our conversation dwindled, I opened my chocolate bar and took a bite, seeing that I'd started eating she picked up her own and placed her fingers on the opening strip
757>She put it back down and smiled. "Can I tell you something?"
758>I nodded, still eating
759>"Thank you for always being there for me. even now after I hurt you. One of the special things about you is that you always take the time. I don't know what I'd do if I lost that."
760>She put her hand on my arm and slowly slid down to my hand, squeezing it. The look on her face was genuine, there was a lot of remorse, I already knew what I wanted to say, but I felt assured that I'd be giving a genuine reply.
761>Staring back at her I saw the same girl whos eyes lit up so many months ago when I made my first gesture to her.
762>I was sure I was seeing the real Lydia, not the spiteful, angry girl.
763
764>"Lydia stop worrying about that I forgive you."
765>I know it was hasty to say, but in the moment thats how I really felt. She knew she'd fucked up, she apologized and she seemed very sincere about getting some help. I was still angry about what happened but I was convinced she was going to do something about it.
766>I didnt want her going home that night thinking I hated her because that wasn't true. I was just mad at her and I couldn't stay mad forever
767>plus I'm not the type to hold things over someones head. I like to think I'm a bigger person than that. I've always held the thought that if someone is truly sorry it's petty to keep on punishing them.
768>If Lydia said she was going to get help then I wanted to believe she would, she'd never lied to me.
769>I saw her eyes widen and she was very obviously taken aback by those words.
770>she hesitated, then signed "REALLY!?"
771>"Yes." I signed back. "Honestly I'm still mad at you and I'll definitely bite back if things get out of control again, make no mistake... but I missed you... and I forgive you."
772>She teared up and smiled, it was almost like I could see the relief spreading over her face and down her body, it was still tense but there was this relaxation that swept over her.
773>She very timidly put her arms around me, almost as if she was expecting me to stop her. instead I reached my arms around her and pulled her in, then squeezed her very tightly
774>I could hear her short, shallow breaths next to my ear and her heart was racing.
775>she gripped even tighter and whispered "I'm sorry.", I could hear her trying her hardest to stop the tears and her cheeks and eyes were already red from the tears she had shed all night.
776>"I know" I whispered back, knowing that she couldn't hear me. I ran my hands over her head and into her hair, I kissed her forehead and gently guided her head down onto my chest.
777>We stayed like that for a little while, then I slowly moved her and stood up.
778>"Cmon, lets get you home.
779
780>We rode back to her place and she had her arms wrapped around me much tigher than usual, Instead of holding her head up to look left and right as she usually does I could feel the side of helmet pressed against my back.
781>Once we reached the house I cut the engine and we got off, Lydia handed over my helmet and jacket and i rested them on the seat of the bike.
782>We stood and stared at each other for a while, there was a tension between us but I remember the cool breeze whipping around and gently blowing against the leaves in the tree in front of her house as we both waited for the other to say something. 
783>"I'm glad we talked." I signed.
784>"Me too, thanks a lot for coming. I really didn't expect you to."
785>I smiled, "I didn't expect you to send that text. You should thank yourself for being honest with me. That took a lot of courage."
786>She smiled "I was really scared when I sent that. I'm glad I did."
787>I held my hand out and she placed her hand in mine. I smiled and looked into her eyes.
788>I thought about how we were both in the same spots 2 weeks ago, and how this face is so different to how she looked that night.
789>"That wasn't Lydia." I thought to myself. "This is my Lydia.", that smiling, happy face that echoed the happiness we shared. That face that greeted as she ran out of her door and up to me.
790>Thats my Lydia.
791>I slowly took my hand away and reached back onto the bike to grab my jacket. As I put my jacket on she looked pensive and anxious. 
792>"I'll text you" I signed as I sat down on the seat of my bike and turned the key.
793>As I looked down to take the straps out of my helmet Lydia came up to me, as I looked up she put her hand over my eyes and kissed me.
794>It was a forceful, anxious kiss, I could feel her lips trembling against my own. I hooked the strap of the helmet around my arm and bought my hands up to her face to hold her whilst I returned her kiss.
795>"I love you too, Goodnight" I signed as I kicked the stand out, and waved as I pulled away.
796
797>When I got home mom was already asleep
798>I went upstairs, showered and got ready for bed
799>As I plugged my phone into the charging cable I received a message.
800>"Hope you got home ok, love you more than anything anon, sweet dreams xx"
801>Text back "Goodnight Lydia x" and got into bed.
802>I lay in bed wondering if all that had happened would bring us closer or if I'd made a huge mistake not going for a clean break
803>I know how I felt but in reality life always finds a way to fuck you over in spite of your best intentions. I couldn't help but feel nervous about the situation.
804>Would she find someone to talk to? If she did would it even help? If it doesn't help and we fall back into that pattern will I have the stones to tell her to fuck off?
805>"Maybe I'm wrong this time" I thought, "Maybe I should have just thanked her and then wished her well and went on my way"
806>"But if I did that I'd have lost her for good without even trying... What we've built is worth more than that. everyone deserves a second chance if they're willing to work hard."
807>Thoughts like this swirled around in my head for a while until I finally drifted off to sleep.
808>Lydia and I texted over the next week, we kept it light, just checking in with each other with things like "how are you?" and "Hows work?" etc. I delivered to her house on the Wednesday (she didn't request me, I took the order) and we shared a quick hug before I left.
809>On the Friday night after work I went straight home, Lydia and I had made no plans and I wanted to get a head start on some chores.
810>I got home, did the laundry, changed my bed sheets and cleaned up my room and the basement, then took out the trash, rinsed down the shower and changed the shower curtain (I don't know why but in that house they got nasty around the bottom very quickly, probably humidity and no ventilation), cleaned up around the house etc.
811
812>It was my turn to do the general house cleaning stuff too and like always mom liked to sit on the sofa in the den reading through paperwork and jokingly berate me like a British aristocrat as I rushed around getting it done, "You call this CLEAN? My dear boy you wouldn't know clean if were drowned in it, do it again!", "put your back into it child! My word It's so hard finding good help!" etc
813>I liked that she had fun with it, that accent she put on always made me laugh.
814>I found myself checking my phone every few minutes, like I was waiting for an excuse to come get Lydia, but the whole time I was getting stuff done, nothing.
815>"she's probably just trying not to flood my inbox" I told myself, as that's one of the things I bought up during our argument and we'd been very sparse with the texts all week
816>Even so I couldn't stop thinking about it. Going from 20-30 a day just a few weeks ago to now 3-5 was a little unnerving even with the 2 week silence gap in between.
817>Realizing that this was the way things are now I wondered if we'd ever return to that sweet spot where every time I saw "1 new message" on my phone I smiled
818>The anniversary of our first meeting was fast approaching too and I wanted to get her something good, something meaningful and maybe something to let her know there's hope in returning to the way things were, even if there was a bunch of other stuff for us to get through first.
819>Trust needed to be rebuilt, wounds needed to heal. You can't rush that type of thing if you want it to be as solid as it was before.
820>Just as the Friday before my mind was full of thoughts of Lydia as I drifted off.
821>Waking up on the Saturday I sat up and checked my phone as I usually do when getting up.
822>1 new message, from Lydia
823>"Can you come see me today?" Sent around 6am. Uncharacteristically early for Lydia.
824
825>It was Satuday and I didn't have anything going on so I text back "Sure, I just got up, I'll be there in an hour"
826>I went through my morning routine then got dressed and left for Lydias.
827>When I got there I wanted outside as I usually do, eventually she came out to me and we said hi.
828>I asked where she wanted to go, she signed "Actually, could you come in for a sec? I want to show you something."
829>knew I'd suffer for it later (and I had plenty of antihistamines at home to lessen the blow, as even her clothes had cat hair on them and they sometimes gave me a hard time) but I accepted
830>We briefly said hi to her mom, then Lydia asked me to follow her upstairs to her room
831>She asked me to sit down on her bed and then opened the drawer on desk and pulled out a small card and handed it to me
832>I turned it over and found that it was a councillors appointment card, I looked up at Lydia
833>"Every Friday, 1pm." she signed "He's supposed to be very good, and he's ok with me being deaf. I had my first appointment yesterday."
834>I didnt know what to say. I was glad she was serious about getting help but I didn't want to seem like I expected her to, I didn't, at least not so fast. Lydias dutiful smile slowly grew concerned, I had to say something.
835>"Thanks for taking my advice seriously" I signed. "I'm glad you're serious about all this. It means a lot to me"
836>She sighed and smiled "Of course I'm serious. I don't ever want to hurt you again. I want to be... stronger."
837>I stood up and opened my arms, Lydia came close and we wrapped her arms around each other. We stood in that embrace for a few minutes
838>It was a little overwhelming for me and in some way I felt guilty, I felt like I'd pushed her into doing something she didn't want to do but did so for my sake.
839>I decided that I couldn't be angry at her anymore. If she had the guts and the resolve to move forward and get help, then I could put everything that happened behind me. behind us.
840
841>Lydia continued to see the Councillor every Friday and slowly the sense of normality returned to our relationship, I'd say it took a couple months before all of the awkwardness was out.
842>My mom was very nice about accepting Lydia was getting help and didn't raise too much of a stink when I told her she was back on the scene. She gave me the "be careful, if things go south, get out" talk but always treated Lydia kindly when she came over.
843>I started borrowing my moms car at night and took Lydia out to mostly empty parking lots and empty roads get her confidence up behind the wheel. Eventually she felt good enough to start taking formal lessons from an instructor who could teach deaf learners a few towns over. She passed within months.
844>We had our ups and downs since then like any other relationship but nothing like the events in this story.
845>Lydia finished pre-law that year and I started my own degree in legal studies.
846>She got a job as an assistant in a small lawyers office whilst I continued working part time and did my degree, Lydia was an amazing help.
847>We did our masters at the state university and graduated in the same year.
848>Lydia never stopped eating pizza and still her metabolism has not failed her, whereas I only need to smell the cheese and I put on a pound.
849>We're still together.
850
851The end.
852
853I hope you all enjoyed my story. Thanks for reading and sticking with me through this (even with life being as busy as it is) and I'm glad I got to share this with you all.
854Before this thread dies and I stop using this trip. This is my gift to the /r9k/ I knew and loved in the past. I lurked this board for the better half of a decade and was here for the best and worst of times until life started getting in the way.
855You faggots are the best.
856
857Any questions?
858
859- - - - -
860http://boards.4chan.org/r9k/thread/46738136
861http://boards.4chan.org/r9k/thread/46752947
862http://boards.4chan.org/r9k/thread/46775687
863http://boards.4chan.org/r9k/thread/46788007
864http://boards.4chan.org/r9k/thread/46807648
865http://boards.4chan.org/r9k/thread/46834401