Yxw0GGMr

1To Any Potential Readers
2
3“Every end is actually just a beginning in disguise.”
4
5“Nicotine is the best drug, it’s the only one that doesn’t make you stupid.”
6
7“Just fucking kill me already, and,
8If I could turn back time, 
9I would rewrite those lines.
10But if given time, I’ll try to find rhyme,
11And a reason that it might not start.”
12
13“In the End, Nothing really Matters.
14But everything happens for a reason.
15Most of the time, that reason is you.
16Act accordingly.”
17
18“It’s astonishing.
19To realize the gravity, upon which I have found myself engrasped, of the whirlwind of pomp, circumstance, and happenstance that my fate has become embroiled in.
20So mote it be.”
21
22“Every story can have a happy ending. You just need to know when to stop turning the pages, find a nice, warm plot of grass to lie down on, and close your eyes.”
23
24
25Dec. 27/2017
26The Incident
27
28Feeling sick to my stomach
29Cuts so close to the heart
30Can’t think of a remedy, or even
31The first place to start
32My life falls to pieces
33Such agonizing drops
34To pick up the pieces, when I cannot see them
35The impossible thought
36
37Couldn’t handle the truth, though my eyes plainly see
38How to feign ignorance, it was clearly this
39That she called me here to see
40I seemed to forget, as much as her
41Or my spine would shiver
42
43Some would say run, but am I a coward?
44I try to claim ignorance, ambivalence
45But I stepped away, and it was I, 
46Who truly, led you astray
47Who is to pay, really
48Is it me, or is it them?
49I led you astray, and left you to them
50
51
52My words invite frenzy, the feeling is wrath
53No man here would envy, as though their women could last
54My foes here outnumber me, it’s plain to see
55Their insults so heinous, can’t compete, effectively brainless
56Breath deeply of poison, for I know the worst
57My gut kept on telling me, but I couldn’t confirm
58
59I try not to feel, this all got too real
60My actions bore consequence, dread fills my gut
61Meanwhile death filles your bones, so with a sign
62The end is nigh, as we both share a look, all that it took
63To understand, the feelings that we share
64
65My gut’s not wrong often, but I soften my pact
66With reality’s grasp, and learn not to presume
67Before I exhume the truth, makes me want to puke
68I phoned a friend, without her, the terror had no end
69
70But I didn’t know, because I didn’t want to
71Turns out that my stay is the exact same
72As what you could say to
73
74
75
76
77Dec. 27/2017
78The Incident
79
80
81To slash at my wrists, to sever my life
82Such wistful thoughts, at the time, they seemed so nice
83But I was a coward, naïve, unable to believe
84That my love, was gang graped by two...
85Meanwhile, I stepped out. Batu.
86
87In a moment we lost, hopes, dreams, promises
88What they did, it bore such a great cost
89The penalty of perjury, what does it mean to me
90They lied, and you knew. I’m so naïve.
91
92Everything altered, confidence faltered
93Belief in myself and mankind, your truth, I deny
94But a moment, so fleeting, we were happy there
95Then you were mine, but now, now, it is a crime
96
97Most people think of doors, opportunity, like they did see
98But I confirmed the truth, and you screamed, and you cried
99You died a little inside. Or a lot. The window I locked.
100The cruelty, that we did see, could not set us free.
101We escaped. But it wasn’t good.
102
103
104Only now, do I find, tears do well in my eyes
105This had been no lie, no cheat, no disloyalty
106But I plainly see, that my love could see
107You start to die, from the inside
108
109Seppuku is honor, but only by them
110My choice is not to run away, they need to pay
111May the gods of your choice gather, come, please align them
112Come to me, bring your might, and together let us find them
113
114My prayers for salvation, were answered that day
115I pray for restoration of her mind and soul
116To live out her whims.
117I pray that my heart will stay true.
118I pray for you. And I wish that I’d knew.
119The cost to you that my sins would do
120An unnecessary need, that led to this deed.
121I pray for justice...
122But for who?
123
124
125
126Dec. 27/2017
127The Incident
128
129When I use the word love, it’s not a lie
130I feel so much pain, to listen to you cry
131Now I find you left here, but only a shell
132These motherfucks will go to hell
133
134The solution is long, for you I need to be strong
135Distinguish importance, from pain, better forget
136The truth is, it was always there, I was just unaware
137Trying to believe, this was something, it clearly was not
138
139I know that I left you, a crime that you paid for
140To bring forth some justice, what else to live for
141I say that I pray, but I lead you astray, even more
142I made you my purpose, it was me I forgot
143And I left you to rot, for far too long
144
145I can’t abide by this, your fat must be better
146If I’m to leave you like this, you will barely yelp
147You’ll receive no help, merely death & damnation
148In their greed leaving such great devastation
149Better I die, than to live out that lie
150
151Dec. 27/2017
152To Jinny
153
154In this letter to you, I can’t find the words
155Some by now you’ve heard, but you should hear it again
156Remember the fun, remember having hope, to cross the moat
157And make the dreams real, live life the utmost
158On reflection, it seems, these words we did have
159The trouble we caused, surely the most
160
161I have great respect, and I cannot neglect
162Bot only when thinking of you, were these thoughts ever heard
163I shirked all responsibilities, willingly, I could not flee
164To me, you were my world. And so it twirled.
165
166Your word, equilibrium. I couldn’t achieve.
167To maintain a balance, impossible, in such a bad dream.
168And so I say, there comes a day, but
169Where both of us choke
170
171Now if you are to die
172Know I’ll be by your side
173I promise my best, until my last breath
174But I can’t say I passed that test
175
176
177Never could I forget, just how I saw you there
178Nary a care, despite the curses you bear
179Your strength is incredible, your courage immense
180All I hoped was to be good to you, because I knew
181You were always there for me
182And for that, I’ll always love you
183
184I still wanted to die, that’s surely no lie
185To leap from the sky, as if I could fly
186But were I to fall, and forsake it all
187I could only think of one name. Saw Zhi.
188
189
190Dec. 27/2017
191The Truth is Fleeting
192
193In the beginnings, how it all seemed, so simply
194Like child’s play, we’d laugh, and have fun.
195You made me feel young. And you told me the things.
196That’d drive any sane man to immediately run.
197
198The more that I heard, I grew more unnerved
199Disturbed at the thought of all my great muster
200Turning out to be one great big bluster
201Was I wrong?
202
203Now I know where they are, so close yet so far
204But how far will I go, to quite surely know
205That these scumbags could fill you with dread
206Never more.
207Now I knew what to do, at least way back then
208The actions to take, just who was to break
209To destroy all you know, to make it brand new.
210
211There will be blood, I said.
212But in this I find no fun.
213
214Dec. 28/2017
215Painkiller
216
217The painkillers numb me
218Bot oh how they dumb me
219Brain full of turds, at a loss for words
220Have nothing to say, I just want more
221
222Praise the lord, sing your hymns, but know in your heart
223That if you don’t do this, then surely, nobody will
224I hoped and I prayed, that I’d still have the strength
225I say I’d go to any length, but truthfully, I’m barely hanging on
226
227So I hope and I pray
228To last one more day
229Dispell the dark thoughts 
230Please, painkiller
231Take it all away
232
233But that was all yesterday
234It amounted to naught
235The pain always gets its way
236Unless you sell your soul
237And then you roll
238A very different way
239
240
241I’ve got this vacuous hole, and
242It’s been consuming my soul, and
243I need someone, something, somewhere
244I don’t want to be alone
245
246We still talk on the phone,
247Spending hours at home
248But it seems to me, it’s growing
249Less, and less, and yes, I’ll leave her alone
250
251Standing alone, hear me bitch and moan
252As though promises can be set in stone
253
254Dec. 28/2017
255The Muse
256
257Some like to use you, for all that you’re worth
258Another takes advantage, for one single night
259But you rocked my world, you changed my life
260Be my muse again, help me see the light
261
262Tragedy upwelling, dark thoughts we sat dwelling
263The pains we shared, no others knew where
264And those that would dare, bring shadow to light
265Should have never been able to share, our wondrous life
266
267Same might just use you, but I try to bemuse you
268To make you mine tonight for life, through all the strife
269The pain seems so shallow, when the plains are left fallow
270But you give me pause, and cause, to live my life
271
272If I could do it again, I’d try just the same
273In the end it was bad luck akd dark thoughts to blame
274The shame will abate, just too much on the plate
275And we both know, the ebb and flow,
276Just like the tides, will always come again
277
278Dec. 28/2017
279Journey
280
281Destiny is fleeting goals but lies, or cheating
282Life’s a journey, never worry just pop your thumb
283And learn to hitch a ride. The flowers so fragrant.
284Can still meet a vagrant, and come to be surprised.
285
286This journey began, I crossed half the world.
287Chasing a girl, too unready, too unstead. Dead inside.
288It cost me my world, possessions spread around the world
289I knew. There’s no coming back
290
291On the ground I was manic
292Head for the lane in panic
293A moment of clarity, at my midway
294Sitting beside my mother, utterly terrified.
295
296I don’t fear for my life
297Nor do I fear for the Earth
298But the enormous girth of uncertainty
299That my choices did give birth
300I am afraid, and I’m surely insane
301But my life of inanity, stagnant depravity.
302Forevermore.
303
304Dec. 28/2017
305Restoran Menara
306
307The atmosphere feels
308As though stepping through time
309Backwards, at first, although a cigarette
310I wouldn’t mind
311
312The food was expensive
313By my twisted standards
314But it was quite delicious
315Briyana, definitely, up to the standards
316
317I might look at my phone
318Bit I let my mind roam
319To moments that came and went
320They represent
321My troubled past
322
323Dec. 28/2017
324Word of Mouth
325
326So the world’s turned against me
327In a sense I deserve it all
328But all that I say, is the truth, in a way
329It’s them that can’t handle to hear it
330
331I end the call, not by choice, but I know
332My time to go, I most surely know
333The windows that do blow, they tell a tall tale
334Of everything I’ll ever do to help you fail
335
336The truth of your fall, the essence of grace
337This wasn’t the race you signed up for
338We both could have done more
339But we danced with the devil, who knew
340
341I knew you had a past, knew you would never last
342It all comes to pass, can’t keep the façade alive
343They’ll call me a monster, for where I took you to
344But I was there, to hold your hand through
345Now help me find a way, to make this right
346What a waste, how it all wen to hell
347In a single night
348
349Dec. 28/2017
350Where
351
352Where do I go when there’s nothing left
353All that I see are my own regrets
354Where can I be, that I’ll find something new
355Let’s ride a bike, and find somewhere new
356
357Burn it down, there I have no regrets
358My actions taken under such duress
359Substance powered me, but I have none left
360It’s time to end my life, hope for the best
361
362Wind please carry me, let me feel brand new
363Free of all the things you wish you never knew
364Scour the Earth, searching for a new place to stay
365Paid for in stories, I have so much to say
366
367We all have a past, but do I have a future?
368All this harm around me, need a suture.
369It’s not called running, if I never know
370Where it is across this earth, that I wanna go
371A new year, with new thoughts, and a new direction
372Save your affection
373Use it on yourself.
374
375Dec. 28/2017
376Sight
377
378Just what do you see in me
379I’ll come to know
380But what you show to me
381Says whether there’s more
382
383Amore is a language
384That all cultures speak
385But the havoc we wreak
386Can tell us far more
387
388Demons & Angels
389Sinners & Saints
390All of the things
391We pretend we ‘aint
392
393Let’s just have a good time
394Just possibly, truly sublime
395But all is shown in time, but
396If you show me yours
397I’ll show you mine
398
399
400Neither angel nor demon
401But a twisted reflection
402Affection you seek
403The hell I can wreak
404If only you knew
405What I’ll do to you
406If you let me
407If I let myself
408
409Dec. 29/2017
410Poison
411
412The long dark is over now
413Time to get sober now
414You’ll slowly recover, and stop being
415All that you’re naught
416
417Path fraught with peril
418Your only apparel
419Your mind, your soul, and those you know
420Who have seen all that you’ve wraught
421
422Try to enjoy the slumber
423Your mind won’t be dumber
424Merely paying the cheques that you wrote
425When your bank was empty, and truly could not
426
427There is a new year approaching
428You know all too well
429So lift yourself above the waves
430Before the next swell
431You lived through hell
432I think you’ve done well
433
434Dec. 29/2017
435Borderline
436
437The cheque’s not come in
438This one’s my sin
439I set aside all of my own
440Responsibility.. To please you
441
442I can still eat
443It’s not quite that dire
444But with borrowed funds
445The total sum, that I require
446I desired, simply, stability
447But plan to see
448Just what must be
449My actual priority
450
451The friends I saw
452Along my side
453Now they hide their gaze
454I’m but a noxious, poison haze to them
455It’s sinking in
456What I really
457Mean to him
458
459
460All that I feel like doing is crying
461But I have no one to cry to
462I am all but alone
463The tears won’t seem to fall, anyway
464
465Only two more days
466Until I see you
467Why does it still feel so much
468Like I need you
469
470Dec. 30/2017
471Tumultuous turmoil
472Timeless & Tittilating
473Instigate, the hearts we break
474Investigate, try to pretend it’s fake
475
476Someday I will break
477Alone again, parts my only friend
478Alone in a story I made
479From all the words that I’ve said
480The broken pacts that I’ve made
481
482The words left unsaid,
483They perhaps hit the hardest
484Until the fall, to end it all
485A burden you bore the hardest
486
487Pain keeps on percolating, articulating
488Just what I think of you
489The cyanide, such a better pill
490Should have swallowed for you
491Now who’s got nothing to lose
492I keep thinking of you
493
494
495So much pain, why even bother
496I’ve got nothing to do
497I’ve got nothing to lose
498Just a life full of strife
499I’m so keen on ending
500In a society rife with a rumour mill
501Got so much time to kill
502Better myself, I’m the devil
503
504Truth is, it’s all a blur
505But my words did spur
506On your actions
507Truth is, we’ll never know
508But our actions reveal
509Of the past now
510
511Devil’s disguised
512Heart’s filled with lies
513Together we rose, inseparably
514Yet what cannot be
515It’s all in the past now
516
517Dec. 30/2017
518End
519
520What good is a life, if I’m not out living it
521What good is the strife, if I’ll just go through it all again
522Try brandishing knives again
523To help your only friend
524Try to share your life again
525To meet the same bad end
526
527So many helpful souls, that try
528They do all that they can
529Don’t even want to help no more
530There’s no point carrying anymore
531Settle the score
532Your whole repoir
533Is needed now
534For this is not the end
535
536Just where to go from here, I fear
537Uncertainly, almost nary a friend
538Just where will I wind up now
539Both where and hau
540My insides, they will rend
541
542
543Expression, as the crow flies
544As though a bird or plane
545So very hard to hide
546Their visible disdain
547
548So many things to pray for
549As though my hands are tied
550If living, for experience
551Then what is this
552If striving, without real goal
553I dig a hole
554I crawl inside
555I try to hide
556There really is no end to it
557
558Now where else can I be
559That I’ll be truly free
560From obligation, sanity,
561So tepidly
562As I dip, my virgin toes, within
563What else left to say
564It’s time to run away
565
566
567
568
569Dec. 30/2017
570End
571
572If I look at what I’ve made here
573I’ve survived
574I am still alive
575But just what of myself
576Think of nobody else
577My needs, my thoughts, my wants
578All about myself
579Forevermore
580
581I know I can still stay
582So why just run away
583Maybe it’s a game
584I just don’t want to play
585For I’m truly to blame
586And that shall be my fame
587
588Oh so far from baseless
589Definitely not tasteless
590For I am the faceless one
591What have I become
592When stricken with such horror
593A borer
594Deep into the soul
595Leaving a dark
596Vacuous hole
597
598
599I came, and I wept
600And I lost everything
601We never did sing
602But I want to
603
604Such bad omens I bring
605Carry demons that wring
606All of the good
607The blood, sweat and tears
608Such be stricken fears
609And now I’ve lost you
610
611Now I sit here, reflecting
612There’s no point in deflecting
613The cause and effect
614Just no going back
615The point has been made
616But how long will it last?
617My heart pangs of sadness
618How it pales, to compare
619You can’t go anywhere
620Let’s go
621Dec. 30/2017
622The End
623
624I’ve not been here long
625I’m still just a novice
626But I want this to last
627To move on beyond this
628
629If heaven is Earth
630Then I’m just a curse
631In need of dispelling
632To keep me from yelling out
633
634Soothsayer bind me
635You have to remind me
636Both mouth and asshole
637Come with lips
638But only one
639Properly equipped
640To say the right, and not the wrong
641To come out in beautiful song
642If you know the right
643And you know the wrong
644You shouldn’t have to think about it this long
645
646
647I commit transgression
648I express aggression
649Have I learned my lesson?
650Now can we end this session?
651
652Not until wrong’s made into right
653To transmute darkness into the light
654It’s the new year, time to make it right
655Apologize for this great blight
656
657To make things from, from a great wrong
658Cease this flight, it’s been far too long
659To tell you I’ve been very wrong
660And cannot change what has been done
661
662What I can change is attitude
663End my immoral perpitude
664I’ll own all that I’ve done to you
665Like I should have done 
666From the start
667Such cowardice
668Was all I knew
669
670
671
672
673Dec. 31/2017
674New Years Eve 2017
675
676My stomach is filled
677Finally
678Kopi ‘O Ice
679Chronically
680Happy New Year
681Cheer and Glee
682Why would I flee
683With all that you mean to me
684
685Jan. 01/2018
686Azam 2018
687
688Such a peculiar scene, as I sit alone
689At a self-serve Nasi-Lemak stall
690Covered in mosquito bites
691I learn humility
692As I relish the experience of homelessness
693
694Sirens blare, as the ambulance speed in
695One after another, in front of KL Hospital
696I do not seek refuge in the ER
697I know no one inside
698It wouldn’t feel right
699Instead I sit outside
700Whacking Ringgit’s
701Drinking Kopi ‘O Ice
702
703I need to stay awake
704I have church this morning
705Such a thought I’ve never held
706To spend the New Year
707In the company of god
708There is no party tonighjt
709Except of one
710Who ever said survival was fun
711
712Similarly, a first, I watch Malaysian television
713Analog, over the airways
714A feat no longer possible at home
715I do not understand most words
716But I understand some commercials
717Or at least I get the gist
718
719Masir Popular, is the name of the show
720Masir must mean mister
721A Malay dictionary would be prudent
722An investment, if I am to stay
723
724So, what, of my new years resolution?
725Seek shelter, find my feet, find solid ground
726Honor my friends
727Honor my elders
728Honor my self
729Honor my word
730Honor my debts
731Appreciate all that I am given
732And return it in kind
733Jan. 01/2018
734Azam 2018
735
736Jinny’s birthday is in 7 days
737Or is it 6 now?
738I’d like to get her an e-cig
739I’ll smuggle it in if I need
740For I owe her a debt, which must be paid
741And because I love her
742And wish her happiness
743All the very best
744In the coming days
745
746I can’t simply stand by
747And leave her like this
748It’s time to make a move
749To respect her mother
750And honor her wishes
751And still shower my beloved with kisses
752Equilibrium must be maintained
753
754And so, if I’m to find a job
755Who better to work for than myself
756I have connections, opportunities here
757I need to honor my own dreams
758To further any others
759
760
761Those I let close truly wish the best
762To hell with the rest, but I know, intimately
763Each and every name to be found on my list
764
765I owe the most to those I love
766I owe near as my friends
767And I owe a great deal to their loved ones
768Who enabled them to help me
769I owe a debt to their elders
770For shaping them
771And I owe a similar debt
772To my own
773
774
775Jan. 01/2018
776Azam 2018
777
778I owe a debt to those who serve me
779I owe a debt to those I serve
780I owe it to myself to honor my debts
781So that my word may be bond
782
783I owe a debt to my province
784As it has enabled me to make this journey
785To my friends and family back home
786For supporing me throughout it
787
788I owe it to the world
789To honor the memory of my father
790By not repeating the same mistakes
791And find my own destiny, in his wake
792
793I owe it to Jinny, for teaching me so much
794About the effects I might have
795On all those I touch
796She carries a burden, and paid a great cost
797To each me right from wrong
798To spur me to break out in song
799
800
801I owe a great deal to this world
802And all those who dwell in it
803To die is thusly forbidden
804That sin will not be forgiven
805
806I also owe it to all that I harm
807To learn, instead of continuing the same
808I owe it to the world to grow
809To do otherwise is lame
810
811But luckily, for you, and me
812For the world to remain unchanged
813Is truly quite impossible
814I’ve come so far
815I’ve lost so much
816I’ve effected too much
817With my touch
818For anything to truly be the same
819All that remains unchanged, is my name
820But my reputation, might just be
821More suited for me.
822We’ll see.
823
824Jan. 01/2018
825Full Circle
826
827A furrowed, toxic, breeding ground
828The sweat drips from my brow
829A sense of nausea is all that I can say
830As though my lips have enveloped and sealed
831
832I feel a mite sunburned, looking at my arms
833Legendary farmers tan, benefits of sleeping outdoors
834It really makes the veins pop out, proper cannons
835Except for the one I got to know too well
836
837Jealous is an ugly emotion
838A sign of discontentment with the self
839If you know you could have done better
840They wouldn’t be out there with somebody else
841
842I suppose I just can’t really talk
843I know I did the same thing
844I’m glad that you admit
845But you don’t even realize
846The root source of my disguise
847Is right there, before your eyes
848
849Jan. 01/2018
850Sober Second Thought
851
852I’m going to take this moment to reflect
853On the fact that I’m “dating” an 18 year old
854And ponder the reasons for why I do it
855And perhaps some reasons that I shouldn’t
856
857So insufferably naïve sometimes
858Where it concerns the intent of others
859She’s never under your thumb
860Rather constantly her mothers
861
862It’s like she keeps on trying to cheat
863As though she doesn’t know any better
864The difference between right and wrong
865Subtle tricks that she’ll get wrong
866Overall just so young and naïve
867There’s just so many things that I cannot believe
868
869Now if she lies, this compulsively
870Tells me things I can’t believe
871If I ask my gut, set me free
872Give it a night nothing will be
873...For now
874
875Jan. 01/2018
876Conflicting Interests
877
878Ask yourself
879What is it that you want to get out of this?
880What are you hoping to gain?
881What are you willing to sacrifice?
882Who are you willing to call on to get what you desire?
883Who are you willing to cross?
884What sorts of burdens are you willing to have weigh down on your soul?
885
886Should I have walked away?
887When first presented with the chance
888It was too late.
889
890Truth is
891I never stood a chance
892Truth is
893I never stood a chance without her
894
895I never had a hope in hell
896Of following any other path. 
897Perhaps, that is for the best.
898Time will tell.
899
900Jan. 02/2018
901Survivor: KL
902
903On this episode of survivor, we’ll be highlighting some of the unique challenges and potential pitfalls to be found in the equatorial landscape KL provides. 
904
905-Income here is scarce. If you do land a job, you will be working illegally, and doesn’t pay until the end of the m month. Treat your monthly ration with care or it might not be there when you need it.
906
907-There is only one season, and it is hot. Plan accordingly, and exercise caution during daylight hours.
908
909-Cars have the right of way, and they cede it only to motorcyclists. Pedestrians, beware, be aware.
910
911-Drugs are both cheap and plentiful. Being known as an addict will result in disparagement from society.
912
913-Racism is alive and well. Skin color and fluency can be both an asset and a target, though language skills are useful and never hurt to possess.
914
915-Connections are everything. People are your most valuable resource here, value them and do you best to avoid costing them face.
916
917-Life is cheap. That means food, rent, entertainment. Make the most of it.
918
919Jan. 02/2018
920The Future
921
922Databases are in your Future.
923-Continue learning Access
924-Develop MySQL skills from there
925-Restart your old business
926-Having a knowledgeable guy with your skillset is a best case scenario for numerous ventures
927-Spin into legitimate business prospects
928-Live cheaply
929-Budget your money. Build savings. Pay off debt.
930-Stop buying drugs
931-Build savings
932-Pay off debt
933-Stop buying drugs
934-Stop taking drugs
935-Break the habit
936-Buy another e-cig
937-Use it
938-Quit smoking
939-Take care of yourself
940-Live healthy
941-Exercise regularly (stick to it)
942-Eat well every day
943-Mix up cooking/eating out
944-Invest in a gym membership
945-Be a self starter (start your own business)
946-You’ve been the lackey more than enough to know a good idea from a bad one. Make the connections, do the math, and start making some real money.
947-Keep your mind focus and your nose clean.
948-Use everything you can to make things happen.
949
950
951Jan. 02/2018
952Site Concept: Acid Factory
953
954Principally acting as an exporter/intermediary of various useful chemical intermediaries
955-Create supplier database
956-Evaluate potential source’destination countries
957-Cataloguing of manufacturer catalogues for dropshipping
958-Supplier contacts, contrasting cost/customs/country/ethnicity/language
959-Margins/ Economies of scale
960-Marketing
961-Equipment
962-Legislation
963-Costs of incorporation
964-Export/Import licenses
965-W.H.M.I.S./M.S.D.S.
966-Risk forecast
967-Profitability, market evaluation
968
969Jan. 03/2018
970Fucking Hell
971
972My mood swings must surely be a legend unto themselves at this point. What interests me is that they are more so a consequence of my continued sobriety than they are a  result of the drug use (lol). Rather, the drugs serve to mask the deficits I would otherwise be experiencing.
973
974Ergo, it’s not being on drugs that makes me so awful to be around, a much as being continuously in a struggle to maintain sobriety that results in the constant relapsing/remitting symptoms that I (as well as my friends and lovers) have come to know.
975
976So, now. I silenced myself, before allowing the conversation to become any darker. But I have no credit on my phone remaining, as well as no Wi-Fi within range that I can access. I am all alone again, save for exactly one person.
977
978The one person who would defend me is named Jinny. We haven’t seen each other in quite some time. Tomorrow/today will be interesting.
979
980
981Jan. 03/2018
982Spark Concerns
983
984Anyone who cares about me should be well past the point of concerned by this point. I have concerned myself, with the sudden resurgence of suicidal tendencies. I am not OK – and I am making sure that the world is aware of this fact.
985
986You can run from your problems, certainly, but for how long? Long enough to see enough of the same patterns reiterated time, and time again. If you keep causing the same reaction in those that you come across, then maybe you should try to do something different. If you try, but it still keeps on happening, then maybe you should seek help.
987
988If you aren’t sure where to go for help, simply examine which doors you have entered into, and which ones still remain unopened. If a door is still open that you have not entered, or even seen the other side of, then what is the harm in finding out what there is to see there? You never find out the answer. That is, until you do.
989
990
991Jan. 03/2018
992Set Fire
993
994When I look around, so much of my situation is altogether too familiar to me. It ought to be familiar, for you reap what you sow, and what you have sown is more of the same tainted crop, year after year, trying to stymy the rising tide of experiences you simply don’t want to have to deal with. So, you run, and you hide, and you seek shelter with other miscreants who are doing the exact same thing with their lives. Stop it, more on, and allow yourself to finally grow from such a varied and wide breadth of circumstance.
995
996So, if you must set it all on fire, then at least stop running away from it. Face the fire face the consequence of your own madness. Acknowledge all that you have wrought, and rest with the knowledge that you will do better next time. It may be a cold comfort, but it is far better than no comfort. Besides, you can always stay close to the fire, if you need to stay warm.
997
998Action. Reaction.
999
1000Jan. 03/2018
1001Atop the Mantle
1002
1003I’ve said before. No mods. No masters. No gods. No kings. Only men. If I am to pray to a god, I already know I will be the only one that hears my prayers. If I am to be considered a god amongst men, then what kinds of traits does my god personify?
1004
1005Tragedy. Intelligence, and promise, dashed due to the consequences of his own progenitor’s self-deceit as they run from their problems, you find yours begins to develop in tow. From the darkness, there may be light, but only when the night has gotten so unfathomably dark that you can finally see the faint shimmer of light at the end of the tunnel, over te moon, or at the end of the rainbow. You never reach the light, merely striving for it, moving ever and ever closer, while still so very far away. But you strive for it. Tear eyed, you let out a veiled sigh of relief. It’s finally over. But nothing is over, until the wicked sun finally rests. No, your battles have only just begun.
1006
1007Don’t run.
1008
1009
1010Jan. 03/2018
1011Deal with the Devil
1012
1013Darts drop, a dancing dervish in the deathly veil of the pale moon. Why have you come? The figure looks at you with an odd expression, mired in a sense of thinly veiled contempt, with an air of pity. Suddenly, as the showerhead catches and douses your reflection, the illusion is broken, and your low, raspy voice fills the air with a truly palpable sense of unease, hopelessness, and a longing for past days filled with delusions of grandeur.
1014
1015Sadness welling, you aim to fill the hole in your soul with anything that seems like it might fit. You smoke until you choke, hoping each breath might yet be the one that leaves you but a ghost. What you fear the most is consequence for the actions and choices made, hoisted up upon others to save ourselves the weight of our proclaimed misdeeds. Indeed, with a harrumph, as we fail to keep our nose clean, and continue to fill the hole with sex, drugs, music, miring our state of mind to be that of a manic panic. The alarm bells are ringing, but nobody is there. Sold his soul to the devil. Back soon for cake.
1016
1017Jan. 03/2018
1018In a Mirror, Darkly
1019
1020What have I learned in the last 3 months?
1021-I cannot be trusted with money
1022-All of my problems ultimately are solveable with forethought
1023-I use drugs to run from my problems
1024-I am an addict
1025-I want to get better
1026-I need to improve my skills working with databases
1027-I have potential as an entrepreneur
1028-My ideas are good, but execution is key
1029-I can be loved
1030-I use thrash, and hurt myself in confusion
1031-I wouldn’t run out of moves if I slept
1032-I will only hurt things when I get high to escape
1033-I need to get properly clean
1034-I need to plan my actions/money ahead of time
1035-I need to get better to help anyone
1036-I need to grow as a person
1037-I need to talk to someone
1038-I need to return favors
1039-I need to stop being a junkie loser in a shithole of a country
1040
1041
1042Jan. 03/2018
1043To Whom It May Concern
1044
1045I address this letter to any government officials, as well as loved ones who have a stake in my fate. I write this in the goal of securing funding for my return back to my hometown in Edmonton. I need to return home to make use of our public services, as I require proper treatment for a medical problem that is totally unavailable for a foreigner on a tourist VISA, which I am, in the city of Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, in which I reside.
1046
1047I came to Malaysia without much forethought of preparation, on a continued and extended part of my run from my problems. Since arriving here things have taken a turn for the worst, through many ups and downs, ultimately leading to my Malaysian girlfriend enduring a lengthy hospital stay, following a series of unfortunate incidents. I need to return to Canada to work, to help her family pay for medical bills in the coming days/weeks/months.
1048
1049Regardless of who helps secure my return to Canada. I will repay the debt within 1 month.
1050
1051
1052Jan. 05/2018
1053Life
1054
1055Poetry only comes to me during flights of fanciful altered states. What I am left with is prose, a type of writing equally, if not vastly more important. Finger math tells me it is now Day 10, Day 23 by first departure, Day 25 by first arrival. My mind is coming back to me, and it is strong.
1056
1057Jan. 05/2018
1058Peace, at Last
1059
1060Curiously, it was the final admission that I was, in fact, shit, that was the straw that unbroken the camel’s back. Me & Bekah really aren’t that different, after all. It was perhaps our similarity that ultimately allowed us to bond & come together. But, as Fizul said – one poor man cannot help another; I am unable to help anyone else with their shit until I rectify my own circumstances.
1061
1062
1063Jan. 05/2018
1064A Heavy Heart, Overburdened Soul
1065
1066To the one I have come to know
1067So intimately, almost infinitely
1068We part ways, and I feel
1069Such devastating pain
1070I think on some level
1071We both knew
1072It was never meant to be
1073Yet we flee from reality
1074For it has no sway here
1075As I have come to know
1076Your goals, your hopes, your dreams
1077And your burdens, inferring, and interring
1078Your darkest nightmares and torments
1079Carry your weight upon my soul
1080Use me as your crutch
1081It’s almost too much
1082Trading dollars for favours
1083Pained expression
1084Please stop
1085I can take no more of this
1086The pain is too much to bear
1087Almost.
1088
1089Jan. 06/2018
1090Thursday
1091
1092Thinking back, upon that Thursday
1093So much still remains unsolved
1094Memories poignant with anger
1095Images punctuated by it
1096Words spoken from it
1097Deeds done from it
1098Yet, my gut is never wrong
1099My mind is often wrong
1100And from that I may sin
1101But my gut is never wrong
1102Some words yet remain unspoken
1103I think, perhaps, I was half right
1104Not as to the progression
1105Or even the lead up
1106But some of other, hidden source of shame
1107A minor one, a white lie, almost
1108But I can smell a half or partial truth
1109I know what it is
1110And I forgive you
1111I won’t even ask you to say it
1112But then, I fear, Thursday never dies
1113
1114
1115Jan. 06/2018
1116Rewind
1117
1118With a clear head comes responsibilities
1119I shut my eyes
1120And find myself torn back
1121To every iteration
1122Of every telling
1123Of every story
1124
1125It doesn’t add up
1126I used to think
1127Until I think back to the words
1128Until I think of where the gaps lie
1129I don’t want you to tell me
1130It sounds like a nightmare
1131
1132I don’t want you to dwell
1133Try not to think about the pain
1134I know I dragged you through hell
1135I know I drove you insane
1136Now it is plain to me
1137For all can see
1138You still love me
1139So let it be.
1140
1141Jan. 07/2018
1142Hunger
1143
1144This hunger, insatiable
1145Nothing’s irreplaceable
1146He said
1147Alone, bed
1148Dead inside
1149No surprise
1150Forsaken by
1151A head of lies
1152This insatiable hunger
1153A price that must be paid
1154
1155I long for escape
1156Though my will may break
1157How long will it take?
1158For it all to come unglued
1159But, still, remember
1160I do this for you
1161
1162
1163Jan. 08/2018
1164Breath
1165
1166There is a man in the room
1167His thoughts I dare not presume
1168But through his breath
1169He mutters only whispers
1170
1171I take my leave
1172Step outside
1173Smuggled cigarettes smoldering
1174My offering to the mosquitoes
1175
1176I cannot seem to sleep here
1177Not at any reasonable hours
1178Filled with things my mind devoured
1179I still sleep as though I were homeless
1180
1181My time here is quite limited
1182Perhaps only 10 days more
1183So much I’ve seen and done
1184And run from
1185I hope tomorrow is the day
1186That I can breathe
1187
1188Jan. 09/2018
1189Clarity
1190
1191Clarity of mind
1192Journey to find
1193Past all the broken promises
1194Try to relax and unwind
1195
1196Try to find yourself
1197Amidst the trash and detritus
1198Beneath the words that bury us
1199You need to find no help
1200Breathe
1201And open your eyes
1202
1203Cops & Robbers
1204You’re just fodder
1205They will slaughter you
1206Now’s your time to choose
1207Either it’s them, or else
1208Next time
1209It might be you
1210
1211Without clarity
1212You cannot see
1213The darkness and the sin
1214And all of that which lies within
1215It’s sitting right there
1216In front of you
1217
1218
1219
1220Jan. 08/2018
1221Time
1222
1223Time may seem endless
1224But the truth is subjective
1225Bitten by mosquitoes
1226The moment lasts for an eternity
1227So fleetingly
1228What we aim to live for
1229
1230I feel the burn
1231I feel the itch
1232Which I might scratch
1233For what little good that it might do
1234
1235I step outside
1236Enter the fray
1237Put myself into harm’s way
1238Can’t help but wonder
1239How much good I do
1240
1241I take my leave
1242I’ve gone astray
1243The time for running is over
1244
1245
1246Jan. 08/2018
1247Home
1248
1249Home isn’t a fixed place
1250You can make yourself at home
1251Anywhere in the world
1252You just need to understand
1253Just what home is
1254What home means to you
1255
1256Home, to me
1257Means privacy
1258No rules
1259No parties
1260Air conditioning
1261No mosquitoes
1262
1263Home for me
1264Quality of life
1265Sometimes a bed, or a couch
1266Or sitting at a mamak
1267
1268What home is not, is sleeping next to
1269Smelly Indians, while being bit by mosquitoes
1270
1271Jan. 08/2018
1272Sleep
1273
1274I used to be able to sleep
1275Like a normal person
1276But times will change
1277Priorities shift
1278Sleep means much more
1279After a fulfilling day
1280
1281To many days to count
1282163 to be exact
1283But how many
1284Was I truly awake
1285And not adrift in the wake
1286Of a drug problem
1287Or a broken heart
1288
1289I perhaps slept, best of all
1290When I slept on the street
1291Perhaps mired in heat, sure
1292But it was breezy, all the same
1293
1294Hopefully tomorrow I will find peace
1295
1296Jan. 08/2018
1297Future	
1298
1299The way forward is clear
1300Into the future
1301Maximum warp
1302But who is to say
1303About the instertitial
1304Spent too many days
1305Sacrificial
1306
1307With whom am I to spend my time
1308Who is it that brings me 
1309To the beginning
1310And the end
1311Of reason or rhyme
1312
1313I haven’t the time to waste
1314Or the goodwill to misplace
1315The hearts I might trample
1316In this race
1317
1318If I’m out of place
1319And nearly out of time
1320Then, surely, my place
1321Is to be by your side
1322
1323
1324Jan. 08/2018
1325Crave
1326
1327I crave that which does me harm
1328It makes me feel alive
1329Though I inevitably capsize
1330The life and times
1331Of the recovering addict
1332
1333The drugs, they don’t mean more to me
1334Than your loving embrace
1335In a race, I aim to lose
1336Bemused, confused
1337Perpetually renewed
1338
1339Though there’s sure to come a time
1340When I feel that I must lie
1341The time is nigh, for a graceful end
1342For I think of you, my loving friend
1343
1344To leave a bad taste in your mouth
1345Aside from the tar of shared cigarettes
1346Must surely be, the greatest sin
1347To which I am capable of
1348Jan. 08/2018
1349Far
1350
1351
1352Far away
1353Places & Spaces & Faces
1354I tried to run
1355But surely it was naught
1356Fraught with pain & peril
1357I had no denero
1358But I’ve been, forever
1359So close to OK
1360
1361Near at hand, my reckoning
1362Threatening to take it all away
1363Who’s to say I don’t deserve it
1364But in your heart, do reserve it
1365I’ll be by another day
1366
1367Hope and pray
1368And god willing
1369I’m sure to be O.K.
1370I know you’ll be well
1371Your family’s swell
1372Can’t help but to scare them all away
1373
1374
1375Jan. 09/2018
1376Secrets
1377
1378Secrets, they wind us, bind us
1379Up in a ball of anxiety
1380Wonder if I’ll ever be free
1381Guess I’ll just have to lie and see
1382
1383Trust, only fleetingly
1384Why can’t you see
1385What you do to me
1386And just how little
1387Your words mean to me
1388
1389Losing my head, losing my mind
1390Things left unsaid, only wasting my time
1391My ability, to truly see
1392Blinded by this dark cloud over me
1393
1394Shut your mouth, and bite your tongue
1395Can’t be honest, I want none
1396You think I’ll run and hide
1397Won’t tell the truth
1398May as well just fly
1399
1400Jan. 10/2018
1401Fifteen
1402
1403Fifteen days
1404From my last breath
1405Not out of my breadth
1406It’s firmly within my repertoire
1407
1408Fifteen days after
1409The day after Christmas
1410Fit my life inside a box
1411Who knew that I would miss it
1412
1413Fifteen days ago
1414I really could remember
1415What I did to you through
1416The whole month of December
1417
1418Fifteen days is only half
1419Of my rise and fall
1420Now, in thirteen days
1421I leave it all
1422But now, I know
1423Who I should call
1424
1425
1426Jan. 11/2018
1427Life used to be filled with happy days
1428Our days brimming with play
1429I wish I’d never ran away
1430Avert my eyes, or look away
1431But if wishes were kisses
1432Your face would be beaming
1433Instead of loneliness, distress, and regret
1434For all the things we can’t forget
1435
1436Taking chances, on strange romances
1437Grants the means to last another day
1438I wish there was a way
1439To make it all right
1440But the consequence, of every day
1441Spent as high as a kite
1442Only to spend my money, on a flight
1443Away... from you
1444
1445I took my chances, but I’ve said no goodbyes
1446If I do our romances is slated to die
1447A bitter pill to swallow
1448I hope it doesn’t fall on to you
1449
1450Jan. 11/2018
1451Departure
1452
1453Time is growing short. The days aren’t growing any shorter here, or in any part of the world that is relevant, but it will, nonetheless, soon occur, in dramatic fashion. Such is the nature of our inescapable reality. Resistence is but futility against a rising tide of winter storms.
1454
1455Striving for shelter amongst unfamiliar dorms, my existence stands in bitter contrast, a show of squandered freedom, the likes of which we have both known. Though the emerald glass of my exsanguinating eye, I choke on the taste of failed promises. A truly heartfelt defeat, as I peer into the heart of another. Though a different set of eyes uncovered, a different set of lies. Through cloudy skies I can still catch the glimmer of an unearthly light, though alien in source, its presence here is perhaps the most universal of the present gamete of human experience.
1456
1457Life may be strange on this side of the planet. But we all know the sun. That much is universal.
1458
1459
1460Jan. 11/2018
1461Poisons
1462
1463As I sit here, sipping on iced coffee and the cool vapours of a menthol cigarette in the open air of an unfamiliar mamak. I can’t help but stop and ponder the question of why. This is not an easy thing to answer, as I feel my heart fill with a rising sense of unease.
1464
1465My throat burns of acid, refluxed, punctuating the nearly intolerable levels of humidity, the sun struggling to rise above the incessant rainclouds that had been at work since it first set. Looking around, the colour of the mamak has changed from yellow to brown – a sign of the time.
1466
1467Another table is filled with white people – a family (a rare sight, indeed). Their presence was heralded by the deafening shriek of an unruly child. The parents laughed, but the remaining patrons harbored a look of only thinly veiled contempt.
1468
1469
1470Jan. 12/2018
1471The Battlements
1472
1473The view from the top of the battlements
1474Is truly quite spectacular
1475But the walls are steep
1476It’s a long way to fall
1477
1478From the ground, music sounds different
1479The voices unintelligible
1480But the laughter shines through
1481Even if the colour of their hair doesn’t
1482We both know that it’s black
1483
1484The colour of an orange, on the other hand
1485Stands in stark contrast to the reflective whites
1486And the dark skin of the men
1487If it weren’t for them
1488There would be no battlements to climb
1489
1490This place may have a name
1491But there is no reason you need know it
1492Just down the street, around a corner
1493Glimpse of a table
1494People gather here
1495
1496
1497Jan. 12/2018
1498Take a Whiff of This
1499
1500Prick a needle, hit a vein
1501Drive away the old and plain
1502Familiar scent, praise to antiseptic
1503The pain is but slight
1504Just another part of life
1505But the rush, is truly, to die for
1506
1507Something to lie for
1508Race against the tide for
1509Rob the cradle, your mum
1510Or any other guy for
1511
1512But can you cheat death, 
1513You may as well try or
1514Play your hand, 
1515Ride or die for....
1516Speed, fill your need
1517Justifiable, undeniable greed
1518Fill your need, 
1519Sate the vacuous hole in your soul
1520Watch it consume
1521Your life is exhumed
1522
1523Start hearing voices
1524Dictate your choices
1525Play the part, the backseat driver
1526You’re really none the wiser
1527
1528Speeding down the highway
1529All reservations lost
1530This town might be burned
1531But let’s head to the next
1532It’s right there, in front of you
1533
1534Jan. 13/2018
1535
1536Another night spent restless
1537Wonder where the test is
1538To pray and laugh and sing and dance
1539Knowing that I can’t make it last
1540
1541Every waking breath is tinged with pain
1542The likes of which drive a man insane
1543So all about the crazy train
1544As the soul waxes, until it wanes
1545
1546Such noise outside, oh bloody hell
1547Just another ne’er do well
1548Now isn’t my life
1549Just so swell?
1550What’s to happen?
1551Time will tell
1552
1553Whisper softly
1554Lost in space
1555Wandering about
1556Out of place
1557
1558Yet to find a friendly face
1559Journey slowly, lose the race
1560Need someone to set the pace
1561Wearing something made of lace
1562
1563
1564Pain tinges all I see
1565Simple agony
1566Leaving things so deranged
1567Speaking softly, lest become enranged
1568
1569There is no sunlight where I’m from
1570Midnight leaving many hours to come
1571Blaming sobriety for the mundane
1572Look in the mirror, you’ll see you’re plain
1573
1574Receding hair, complexion fair
1575Acting like you just don’t care
1576But you do.
1577Feigning unaware
1578But still you swear
1579That it’s god, watching over you there
1580
1581If we are the gods
1582Then where are your prayers
1583Pledge your offering
1584And be true to all that you sing
1585
1586Jan. 13/2018
1587Rewind Again
1588
1589Mired in focus
1590Or so I might think
1591Forging of the locus
1592Of the evils I link
1593
1594A whim and a prayer
1595Almost think that I care
1596But take my rash words
1597Stark cowardice
1598See what they bring
1599
1600Sometimes, it is important to stop trying to rewrite or reinterpret history, and simply appreciate it for all that it is, and was. The revisionist will always see things from the point of view that is most alike, and most supportive of his own.
1601
1602
1603Jan. 13/2018
1604How Do I Feel?
1605
1606I feel restless. Almost as though my days are filled with nothing, except perhaps to eat, to sleep, and ruminate over past traumas, and future possibilities. Planning, and forethought, these are both very important uses of your time. But to spend your days wasting away in a hovel is a sin you have become far too comfortable with.
1607
1608Spend your days finding ways to show your appreciationg to all of those who have helped you along your way. Learn video editing and share with Hafizul the video you took for Dania’s birthday. Talk to Azam, give him the speaker he kept stealing from you. That’s called paying it forward. Turn the tackboard into an altar, mush the same as was Bekah’s (that you defiled!?!?). As for Bekah... Think of something nice you can do to show your appreciationg to her. It will come in time.
1609
1610Jan. 13/2018
1611To Live Without Substance Shows a Lack of Character
1612
1613New opportunities & new friends are to be found in every corner of the world. Here is no exception, it would seem, but the only force in this world strong enough to hinder it is in fact a misdirection of your attention. Being so focused on the past, or the future, that you forget to slow down and appreciate the present.
1614
1615Drowning your sorrows in menthol vapours is so far from the dashing capers you need to be engaged in to effectively get your mind off of all that has occurred. Get out there, drink (on someone else’s dime), be merry. Tell your story, because it’s one I guarantee no one else has.
1616
1617Be true to your self
1618Be true to your word
1619But don’t dare let your voice
1620Go unheard
1621Write and express and relate
1622To the captive audience
1623
1624God gave you one gift in this world
1625Don’t let your voice go unheard.
1626Jan. 13/2018
1627Choices
1628
1629The choices we make
1630The promises we break
1631Orgasms we fake
1632They define us
1633
1634I hear you ask
1635Just will it last
1636Look unto the past
1637For your answer
1638
1639The truth is clearly there
1640The questions
1641If you care
1642To burn it down
1643Run aground
1644Or maybe truly make it
1645Somewhere
1646
1647Reality is
1648It’s your choice
1649Push or shout
1650Or calm your voice
1651The answer’s there
1652Far from unaware
1653But caught in a snare
1654Of the riotous boom
1655The sickening sound
1656Of the drums of war
1657
1658
1659Jan. 13/2018
1660Reality
1661
1662I’ve flashed back enough now to know the truth. I cannot go back home and continue my twisted habits there. If I am honest, every sliver of doubt, the source of all my doubt, every thing I’ve been left without has drugs there to lay blame. It cost me my job, my cats, my life, my wife.. everything I ever held dear is now gone. Thanks to drugs. Hell.
1663
1664It’s funny. I think I’ve always known the truth. But I put my trust in another, instead of in my own intuition. I cannot blame the drugs for my emotional response, for I feel the same now as I did then. Pained. Angry. Disgusted. Hurt.
1665
1666If you truly loved me, then you would tell me the truth and let me go.
1667
1668Jan. 14/2018
1669Hate
1670
1671Do you hate me? I paraphrase, but this is the root of the question she posed to me. At first I answered no, but it was painful just how quickly the veneer of benevolence slipped away.
1672
1673I think the answer here must surely be yes. I hate that I can’t trust you. I hate that when I lie awake at night I am haunted, not by my own misdeeds, but by the echo of your own conflicting words and statements. I hate the sound of your laughter, as you said to me over the phone “If only you had come back sooner”. I hate that I STILL doubt everything you tell me, for I know, inside, that it’s never the full truth. I hate that I know I can’t trust you, yet, I am still here.
1674
1675I hate that I lost everything, almost everyone I held dear, while I held my post dutifully and loyally by my side. I hate that I already knew our relationship was slated to fail before any of this happened. And I hate that I sacrificed everything in order to stay, out of loneliness & obligation. I hate what your presence has done to me.
1676
1677But that’s only half the story.
1678
1679
1680Jan. 15/2018
1681Quivering bowels
1682Misplace vowels
1683My physical form has surely been through worse
1684Flights might be booked
1685But I’m still on the hook
1686For the consequences
1687All that I’ve wrought.
1688
1689Ambling slowly, I’m not quite wholly
1690Present, engaged, still a bit deranged
1691I have to winder, if I’ll make it, to my destination
1692Wrecked upon the rocks, of shit shithole of a nation.
1693
1694From here, I glimpse, upon the night
1695Questioning, what is wrong or right
1696Meanwhile, headaches, bowels quake
1697Look at the choices that we make
1698
1699Meandering, slowly, upward & onward
1700
1701Jan. 16/2018
1702Aren’t Drugs Great?
1703
1704Upwards, and onwards
1705Over the hills, and down the mountain
1706Listen to your bowels groan
1707Headaches not out of place
1708
1709On week until the world will end
1710So where do lie your only friends?
1711In another city,
1712Oh so likely busy
1713Occupied with the minutia of their lives
1714No surprise, you’re left here stranded
1715Remember why you even landed
1716
1717No surprise
1718No more lies
1719Sanctify, upon the grave
1720That was almost never there
1721
1722Twisted eyes, led by twisted minds
1723Reaping sorrow, imagine your surprise
1724Marked by the dark touch of one another
1725Imagine my blunder, I wonder...
1726No surprise
1727
1728
1729Jan. 16/2018
1730True Story
1731
1732The truth of the matter, is that the truth is only very rarely to be found in the middle. Rather, the truth is in the eye of the beholder, and from that, to each his own. Sometimes we tell ourselves (and from that, each other) a convenient truth, a factual statement, but far from the full story. Some things are simply better left unsaid.
1733
1734Sometimes, they just simply can’t handle the truth. They don’t want to admit it to themselves, or they don’t want to admit it to you, or, for whatever reason, they would rather disbelieve. Sometimes, the truth can be painful, or distressing; Especially when it concerns their own personal failings, or could be perceived as a slight against their loved ones. Sometimes they would rather commit a sin, than to lose face, and to honestly answer the tough questions that would come from it. It would seem, then, that to lie, is so very human.
1735
1736Jan. 16/2018
1737Gwai
1738
1739Forevermore haunted
1740By ghosts of ideas
1741Choices we could have made
1742A wanton fascia
1743
1744Thoughts that keep me up at night
1745The kinds of things to wake you, in a fraight
1746Do not pass go
1747Surely, no delight
1748What’s wrong and right, if
1749Nothing’s ever right
1750
1751What am I to make of this
1752How are you to shake off this
1753Maybe just one more kiss
1754Leaving memory in the shade of the evening light
1755
1756Gut’s filled with hollows
1757The tide will roll in
1758Now, time will tell, surely
1759For it’s time to sink, or swim
1760
1761
1762Jan. 17/2018
1763Sobriety is a Bitch
1764
176522 days. 22 days since I spent even a single Ringgit on “substance”. The novelty of this situation has surely worn off on me. I find myself craving drugs, not as an escape, rather, because it’s a fun thing to do. Recreational use.
1766
1767The drugs I bought today, however, are not the illicit (and fun) black market drugs that I have come to know, and love. Rather, this is the product of a trip to go visit my favourite Auntie. I return bearing gifts of painkillers, and tranquilizers, to which I feel no love, nor affection, but rather a cold, resenting stare. They are the lesser of the evils.
1768
1769I sorely miss the true priviledge that is a free bottle of pills every month with my name on it. 
1770Uppers. 
1771Downers. 
1772Laughers. 
1773Screamers.
1774I had it all.
1775And I will have it again.
1776
1777This time, I really do intend to use it wisely.
1778
1779Jan. 19/2018
1780Talk
1781
1782What good is it to talk
1783If you don’t have anything to say
1784Sad dreams, and dead ambition
1785Leave one with gross inhibition
1786
1787Take the pills, make you forget
1788The horses upon which you bet
1789Every dollar, every holler
1790Every moment, you’d rather not had
1791
1792The look of pity
1793For you, or me
1794Your eyes, so blind
1795That you can’t see
1796The sympathetic looks
1797Up from your books
1798
1799Only condemning stares
1800Are you aware?
1801Do you even care?
1802Do you have the capacity to?
1803
1804
1805Jan. 20/2018
1806The Truth (Will Set You Free)
1807
1808The truth is, I never signed on to date a child. Our differences became glaringly obvious when I began to postpone my own work, and furlough my solitude, to engage you in your utterly plentiful free time. But I got high, and promptly forgot about that point of view.
1809
1810Then, after all that has happened, I find your mother has prominently entered the fraya. You defer to her choice, her thoughts, her words, like the impressionable young girl that you are.
1811
1812I never signed on for this, I never wanted this, and should I bother pretending that I am OK with this? My days here are coming to an abrupt end, and so, too, I feel, must my relationship
1813
1814Your uncle was right. I stay for the minor support that you can give me. Goodbye.
1815
1816
1817Jan. 20/2018
1818Farewell, Jinny Gurl
1819
1820Oh, farewell, Jinny gurl
1821Our life became such a whirl
1822And now I’m getting on a plane
1823Amidst the sneers and the disdain
1824
1825All the songs, we left unsung
1826All our secrets, that they wrung
1827Spent too long, beneat the sun
1828I hope it’s better this way
1829But if my trial, was arraigned
1830Would it ever be the same?
1831
1832In the parks, in which we used to laugh and play
1833Whacking cigarettes, as though the end of days
1834
1835Know I don’t hate you
1836Know I don’t bait you
1837The decisions that we made
1838Have just furloughed another day
1839
1840Oh farewell, Jinny gurl
1841I’m oh so pleased to meet you
1842Please, won’t you, just heal and pray
1843I’d love to meet you, another day
1844
1845Oh how I wish we’d play. Again.
1846
1847Jan. 20/2018
1848What is to Become of Me?
1849
1850I spend my last 4 days alone, depressed, and dreading the reality I fled from so many months ago. I land, but when greeted by my long lost friends, my eyes betray the death and rot that has become the very pit of my soul. Gone is my enjoyment of life. Gone is my ambition, or my desire to speak.
1851
1852Gone is my love. My vigour, and my ambition. Gone are my hopes, and my dreams. Gone is my ability to cry about it. Dead Dreams.
1853
1854I think I might kill myself.
1855
1856Jan. 22/2018
1857Silence
1858
1859To suffer in silence
1860To neglect the violence
1861The ache starts to quake
1862Muscles begin to shake
1863
1864Starved, but not hunger
1865Starting to wonder
1866If silence is worth it
1867When violence birth it
1868
1869With every day, we still go on
1870Smiling placidly
1871For all to see
1872Just what couldn’t be
1873Anything further from the truth
1874What’s the use in deception
1875When your recollection
1876Is still right there, clear as day
1877
1878Who’s to say, if you’re wrong or right
1879If someday you pick a fight
1880Fight for your right to be happy
1881Or sappy, or flapping your wings, trying
1882To get away
1883But another day comes
1884Drinking more rum, until finally
1885The pain’s chased away
1886
1887Who’s to say, if you’re wrong or right
1888When some day you just want to fight
1889Sure you can pray, what you do or say
1890To chase the darkness far away
1891
1892Who’s to say if wrong or right
1893Some days you just need to fight
1894Chase them away, when they come
1895‘Cause some days, it’s not enough to pray
1896
1897On the day the silence broke
1898Did you scream
1899Or did you choke
1900Wasting away
1901To live one more day
1902The anxiety breeds
1903The hunger that feeds
1904So won’t you please, just
1905Chase them away
1906
1907Jan. 22/2018
1908Junkie
1909
1910What defines a junkie? It’s not simply about the drugs, as many would assume, as much as it is precisely what hole in their life exists that the drugs become the key to placating. I feel, based upon my own experience & observation, that the key character deficit at play is that of cowardice.
1911
1912Life is filled with challenges. The religious might say that the hurdles they face is merely god testing their faith. Others ascribe it to victimization – as though they did nothing that played a part in their circumstances that unfold in their lives. Still, others will lie to themselves, refusing to acknowledge that they, and they alone, are the instigators and perpetrators of their own downfall.
1913
1914While I am certainly guilty of all of the aforementioned sins, at one point, or antoher, my view is simply that the adversity and suffering that we experience in this life is what comes to both test, and definte, the substance our souls are made of. A junkie fails these tests, hiding from reality and avoiding the small issues, that, in aggregate, constitute pain to the penultimate degree. Unable to deal with this pain, they turn to substance.
1915
1916In short, a junkie is a coward.
1917
1918
1919Jan. 24/2018
1920Celebration
1921
1922I find myself laughing. Almost uncontrollably. This is really happening. This is really, really happening. I order the sparkling wine, a natural conclusion of two vodka gingers already consumed. All complimentary. I want to laugh, but a part of me, not so deep inside, thinks back to the home I just left. I can already tell that I’m well on my way back to the first world. But that, in and of itself, turns out to be quite a heavy burden.
1923
1924Another sip of champagne. I, now, finally, truly understand exactly what is meant by the saying “Fuck Yeah! America!”. IT’s this. Wanton excess. I ask for an extra packet of almonds, and I am handed 5. That’s 1/3 of my daily caloric needs, and perhaps more preotein than I have been getting most days. And he just hands it to me, as if it means nothing to him.
1925
1926I say “Thanks Boss”, and sid down to enjoy my meal and rest. I’m not yet sure what to make of all this.
1927
1928Jan. 24/2018
1929No Money, No Talk
1930
1931I don’t hold it against her. 
1932I know how things must look from her vantage point. 
1933I can’t say that she’s wrong, or right.
1934But she believes in herself.
1935And she will fight for her beliefs.
1936I respect that.
1937And so, she will get her money.
1938As promised.
1939Perhaps not when promised, sure, but.
1940A debt is a debt.
1941And I settle my debts.
1942Or, at least
1943I have every intention to.
1944So I fly across the pacific
1945To the promised land
1946Where I can make what I need
1947To be true to my words.
1948It’ll all be worth it.
1949Because I know
1950You’re worth it.
1951
1952
1953Jan. 24/2018
1954Map
1955
1956It’s exhilarating.
1957So many hours, I sat here and watched
1958The flight tracker cross over the pond
1959It was like watching a kettle trying to boil water
1960On only 110V
1961So I ate, and I drank, and I slept
1962And when I woke, I caught a glimpse
1963The sunrise, on the horizon
1964I don’t know if I’m flying forwards, or backwards
1965The concept of time is utterly lost on me
1966All that I know for sure
1967Is that I’m nearly done
1968Playing connect the dots
1969
1970Coming from the equator
1971It would almost seem
1972As though hell froze over
1973Except, this isn’t hell
1974This is home...
1975Almost
1976
1977Jan. 24/2018
1978Television
1979
1980Systematic mind control
1981From the pretty little box
1982Talking heads
1983Spreading dreads
1984Shovelling thoughts
1985Into your head
1986
1987Beware, the useful idiot
1988The opiate for their masses
1989People love to gossip
1990Everywhere you go
1991
1992I think I’d prefer Opium
1993Put on a set of cans
1994Blot out the blabber
1995Tune in to some tunes
1996
1997I hear they’re talking about the president
1998I couldn’t care less
1999Observing the political theatre
2000While I breeze through security theatre
2001
2002All of life’s a stage.
2003
2004
2005Jan. 25/2018
2006Run
2007
2008I just ran, to catch a bus
2009The sting of the cold air
2010Biting with each breath
2011
2012Doesn’t matter
2013I can’t miss it
2014Time is short
2015The daylight long past
2016It will only get worse from here
2017
2018I head for refuge
2019My errands finished swiftly
2020Without delay, no need to stay
2021Time is not on my side
2022Neither are the elements
2023Though they are indifferent
2024The wind at my back
2025Mindlessly driving me forward
2026Hastily writing
2027I need to get off soon
2028Time is not on my side.