XtTVzeqL

1musings  a life addict by Rebecca Graney
2musings  a life addict
3time used to scare me
4I would look at the clock at night watching the minutes tick away
5but now it doesn't matter
6time, whatever
7four fourty-five who cares? Itʼs just numbers
8just everything that has been
9everything that will be
10everything that is
11time is Naomi squeezing frogs every year in the Adirondacks
12time is spending long summer evenings on the beach playing under
13the moon
14time is me writing this poem
15right now
16time is someone milking a cow
17right now
18
19
20I bet someone is milking a cow.
21wait
22how did this get into cows
23time
24right
25what time is it?
26whenʼll it be time?
27whenʼs the right time?
28is now the time?
29what will happen in time?
30itʼs all up to time
31Ok so you want to know about kody
32crush
33friend
34more than friends
35blond curly hair medium length
36poet
37
38
39plays guitar
40heʼs moving this summer cause his family canʼt pay the rent
41he asked me who I liked
42I said him
43he asked me who I most wanted to kiss in school
44I said him
45He asked me if I was in love
46I said with life
47He loves music
48He has a girlfriend
49Whenever I see them together it makes me upset
50I tell him my dreams
51he tells me his, mostly about zombies
52He had a girlfriend last year too
53I wonder why they broke up
54yesterday I told him Iʼd never forget him
55he said sure you will
56
57
58I just want to have a boyfriend
59just to know what itʼs like
60I've never kissed anyone and I'm in eighth grade
61is that late?
62I would kiss him but Sarah stands in my way
63I canʼt stop thinking about him
64I want to stop sometimes
65Itʼs just that he's the first boy to actually try to really get to know me
66Whatʼs gonna happen in high school?
67(about the whole are you in love thing, I was drawing hearts on the
68back  my english quiz. Mrs. Develvis was like “Rebeccaʼs in love”)
69kodyʼs disgusting
70I hate the way he walks, bobbing up and down in the hallway with his
71skinniness, talking like heʼs sir lancelot  something
72I bet he wishes he were
73Heʼs so dumb always parading around the back depths  the
74cafeteria where I never venture like heʼs king  the geeks and freaks
75and I wish I never said that stupid stuff to him on aim.
76In the locker room, all these girls were sending this video to a guy
77
78
79named Paul saying “we wonʼt turn the camera around because weʼre
80changing even though we know you want us to”
81Today Aiden and I sat next to each other in English while decorating
82our motherʼs day cards. I told him how much I liked to draw. He said
83he did too, but he is a perfectionist so that makes it hard. He drew
84this flower but cut it out and didn't use it for the card cuz he didn't
85think it was that good. I did think so and luckily managed to salvage
86it when no one was looking. I think.
87ugh I've never had a bigger food baby in my life. I seriously look like
88I'm pregnant. Iʼm not eating anything tomorrow until this tummy
89goes away
90tone up for summer workout
91plank sixty secs
92donkey kicks thirty
93random yoga pose
94thirty squats
95three push ups
96so many girls are settling and itʼs really sad. Iʼd rather not have a
97boyfriend
98boys are stupid
99examples
100
101
102-wcrd (weird creepy red head dude)
103-kody
104-aiden
105-brett
106-paul
107-zack
108-the guy who makes people call him chief
109-luke
110-connor
111- the guy who likes apples
112-the guy at the party holding his crotch
113-any boy
114a list  my quirks
115-oddest turn on-dreamcatcher necklaces
116-freak out moment-puking on the bus to frost valley
117-ocd- smell lavender before I go to bed
118-fear-math, numbers
119
120
121-thing that makes me laugh every time-running and jumping onto
122my bed with my pants around my ankles
123-four french words I will never forget- supersonique, magnifique,
124tres tres cool, and tres tres chic
125-talking to animals
126If you're ever really hungry or just want to eat a cookie thatʼs calling
127to you from the cupboard read this and you wonʼt want to eat
128anything
129-one in nine american girls is obese (not actual statistic)
130-are you angry lonely tired or stressed?
131-looking better in pretty much everything
132-drink some water
133I just finished my Earth Science regents. Iʼm lying in the backyard
134under the shade  the laundry feeling the grass and clovers
135between my toes. The faint aftertaste  Entemanʼs chocolate chip
136cookie lingers in the back  my throat. Itʼs noon and Naomiʼs not
137home yet. Peace. The sun is hot. I can hear the occasional sputter
138from the pool. Iʼm reading the book Ingo about an underwater world.
139Two big angry blackbirds caw at each other. Soon iʼll have to pack
140for camp. Itʼs this sunday. Tomorrow the eighth grade is going to Splish
141splash. Iʼm excited. Then graduation, then camp! When i was
142walking after the test along the school road i found a box turtle
143trying to cross. This boy Matt Jordan was there too. Sometimes I
144
145
146think he likes me.
147Right now all the girls are finding out what theyʼre wearing to social.
148I feel like my own little island when the girls talk about hookups,
149guys, cleavage and stuff. Two girls just walked in and realizing it was
150me, went back out. I know Iʼm not lesbian because Iʼve liked a lot 
151guys. I just havenʼt met they guy yet. Waiterʼs bell, got to go!
152Rebeccaʼs life lessons
153never say “as fun as throwing animals is…” to nancy. She will hate
154you.
155Iʼve been having dreams with dead birds involved. This has been
156going on for about a year. Last night I realized what it all meant. In
157my dream I felt a pang  loss as I held a dead bird in my hand. Other
158times the birds would drop from the sky. Or they would be dancing
159around me, taunting me. When I tried to escape the circle I crushed
160them, stepping on their delicate bones. But last night I understood
161that the birds symbolized my childhood and how it was dying. Why
162canʼt it just be a new chapter in my life? Kid to teenager, a transition.
163Why does it have to be that that small part  me that wants to learn
164and explore and wonder and know have to die? I donʼt get myself
165sometimes.
166Iʼve got
167good friends
168 we stick together until the end
169
170
171I like myself
172Iʼm worth a lot
173I like myself
174I'm worth a lot
175and you canʼt tell me that I'm not
176cuz you canʼt see inside  me
177our team is red hot
178our team is red hot
179our team is REDHOT
180weʼre so hot we canʼt be stopped
181oh we got it
182oh oh we got it
183What if when we chop trees, they hurt inside but canʼt tell us
184because we donʼt understand them? What if, as we bite into berries
185they scream in pain as their juice blood oozes out and our teeth
186chomp greedily on them?
187You don't have to tell me what you think,
188I know
189in a glance, a silent dismissal,
190
191
192the way you look at me
193like since I don't shave
194Iʼm less than human
195since I don't wear padded bras
196you shouldn't care about my feelings
197well hey
198I donʼt care about your family issues
199I donʼt care about your self confidence issues
200I donʼt care about you
201if you're going to treat me like that
202I just had the workgroup talk. I DONʼT WANT TO GROW UP. I want to
203be a little kid forever and not have responsibility. I could tell i was
204upset because i did the Beccaʼs upset pose, knees in tight and
205pigtails pulled out so my hair covered my face. I was like a little
206protective ball and nothing could hurt me.
207Iʼm so critical  myself. I hate it. Itʼs just like this never ending cycle.
208Why canʼt I just be less complicated? I always start my weird
209questions with “donʼt you ever feel like” and then follow it up with
210something they so clearly donʼt ever feel like but only I do. Just me.
211Not them. Am I selfish? I always think about myself. I think too much.
212I miss camp. In a week i'll be going to high school. I feel anything but
213
214
215ready.
216In The Truth About Forever it said “donʼt be afraid, be alive”.
217I dreamt I flew a kite and let it get away. My family was mad at me.
218On the bus today I thought  you
219we had a sub bus driver and she was playing oldies.
220The kids in the back protested,
221calling out “Itʼs too loud!”
222she only jacked it up higher.
223The radio announcer said even though it was cloudy,
224he'd go so far as to say it was a beautiful day
225as I listened to the lyrics
226itʼs a beautiful day
227donʼt let it get away
228I thought
229I did
230I let it get away
231I let you get away
232
233
234people come in and out  your life I guess
235but the imprint remains
236you are forever changed
237because I met you
238but I let you get away
239Boys. despicable, disgusting. In art they were talking about boy
240stuff like porn and saying “the bad thing is that you see all these
241perfect bodies and then real girls tits are like ugh” Like thatʼs all they
242care about. All the good guys really are taken. Boys have it easier.
243Boys fart and laugh about it and they're stupid and donʼt understand
244your feelings. They borrow your pencil and don't give it back. I don't
245ever want a boyfriend, not now not ever. Iʼm giving up boys for good.
246Iʼll just be an old spinster. But a happy old spinster. How can I be a
247happy old spinster? What do spinsters do anyway? spin things? Itʼs
248not that no guy is good enough for me, just they're all jerks.
249Dad always reaches his hand across the table to me. Mom said he
250told her he “doesn't even know who you are anymore”
251Naomi said I should wear more makeup. “people care about people
252who care about themselves.” a line from Miss Congeniality
253In art today Alexus said stop being such an overachiever, you're
254perfect
255I donʼt want to be perfect
256
257
258 course you do, everyone does
259perfectʼs no fun
260well look at you, perfect and having a blast
261Today I slipped on the sidewalk ice and all the neighborhood dogs
262came out  their houses and laughed.
263Why donʼt I normally just do my homework in this spot? Because
264there is no light is the answer you are looking for. Naomi just came in
265and said “I know exactly what youʼre up to” I don't even know what
266I'm up to! Today in chorus the teacher said to write a song. She
267called mine “craziness” just because it wasnʼt boring like everyone
268elseʼs. I tried to do it again and it still wasnʼt right. She suppresses
269creativity and only cares about rules, rules, rules. She asked me to
270stay after class and said I “did something very bad and should have
271just done it right the first time”. People are always saying donʼt do
272this, donʼt do that. Everything I do is wrong in their eyes. I saw this
273puppy digging in the dirt and started singing “this little light 
274mine”.
275I have this hunger for knowledge. I want to experience the world and
276get out there and know what all the words in the dictionary are. I
277donʼt get how people say theyʼre bored. Just living in my head I go
278on adventures. I walked in the woods and everything I touched
279turned magical. The woodland creatures urged me to heal the forest
280and the trees thanked me. The snow heap was a rainbow river with
281my feet rejoicing in its niceness.
282Everythingʼs sex. Whatʼs so great about it anyway? Mom said you
283
284
285feel so relaxed afterward but to me itʼs just a dude shoving his
286danger up your vag. Who would I do it with anyway? Anyway, Iʼm a
287fun loving girl and i know I'm not gonna miss out on anything. Not if I
288have anything to do with it.
289Itʼs weird for the first time in my life to not give a shit about anyone
290at school. I expect to be self conscious and worried what everyone
291will think but surprisingly I don't care. This summer changed me. Iʼm
292literally never gonna see these fuckers again after this year. If I was
293to be caught eating lunch alone last year i would have killed myself.
294My new self is awesome because she does her own thing and is still
295social. I used to be too closed f for that. Not to say I still don't
296doubt everything i think, speak, do… cuz i do! A lot! I literally had a
297spazzattack before trying out vocal jazz. Still, itʼs freaking me out
298the whole college thing. Old people go to college. Big kids. Not me.
299But I want to! I want to do all these rites  passage but part  me is
300like whatʼs the rush? Whoah there, easy now.
301I canʼt believe I ever kissed either  the dans. They both look like
302anuses and they are mentally challenged. Was i really that
303desperate? That creep Ben who looks exactly like julian smith was
304my partner and he pulled up my dress while I was sitting like “are
305those roses? Oh Iʼm sorrrrrrryyyy”
306“No you're not”
307Note to self: when high as fuck you shouldn't mention a guyʼs
308sparkling eight pack. Mom gasped when I told her. But then again its
309mom and fuck everything. Literally fuck everything. Now I can say
310I've been hitting the bong too hard. Apparently you're not supposed
311
312
313to light the middle. Why doesn't anyone tell me this shit? Oh yeah,
314I've always been a misanthrope.
315I havenʼt written in a while. What to say, I've been better and worse
316than ever. I truly feel like a failure at everything and yet i am
317experiencing some  the greatest highs  my life. Not making
318sense. Nothing makes sense. Iʼm smelling my shirt that smells like
319Andrew. I met him on the beach. Heʼs twenty-six. Itʼs such a good smell like
320whatever soap he uses plus hot guy smell. Was that really just last
321night? I need it all the time. How can he not crave the feeling? Itʼs the
322only closeness i feel. I know he feels it, i do. What am i doing? Iʼm
323gonna smoke a J. Mom took me to a therapist who told me to smoke
324less weed. Surprise! When will i find someone else who makes me
325feel like Andrew does? Sure Tim turns me on and Eric is an expert
326cunnilinguist but i need more!!!
327I forgot how much i like writing. I want to fill up this book with all my
328thoughts so I can look back on it. I need more goals. Why donʼt I
329have a job? Why did I just eat two avocados and too many brownies to
330mention? Why am i taking communications? Why did Andrew stop
331texting? Why am I always distracting myself? Hey you know what
332would be fun and exciting? What am i even doing?
333this morning I had the most incredible orgasm Iʼd had in weeks.
334Smoked two joints. The yoga teacher said I seemed really happy.
335Life is weird how you have to keep doing things that sustain you.
336Today I saw jesus at acupuncture. I got this picture  him in my
337head, the famous one. When I first saw it, it bothered me extremely.
338I connected to him in feeling stuck. The nailed to the cross game is
339
340
341the same as the living with your parents, going to community
342college game. I started reading The Unbearable Lightness  Being.
343Next time I have sex I want to really feel connected. The last few
344times have been just two people in their own worlds. Andrew wrote
345‘better yourselfʼ on his mirror. What does that even mean?
346What do I have to fer, really?
347All my thoughts have most likely been thought  and expressed
348before. Why then do I live? Why does anyone? To say I had some
349good times, some not good times? Thatʼs it? The only things I feel
350motivated to do are smoke weed and have sex. Very curious. The
351curious case  benjamin button.
352I really knew nothing about him
353Andrew is gone
354Andrew was everything
355Andrew cried
356Andrew desired me
357Andrew surfed
358Andrew made me happy
359Andrew did graffiti
360Andrew made me happier than anything
361Andrew was wild
362
363
364Andrew asked if I was seeing anyone
365Andrew is the person I need to stop obsessing over
366I want to create but my thoughts are all disjointed. Maybe drawing is
367better. I canʼt tell if iʼm pulling myself deeper into my own mess or if
368I'm finally following my truth. I always want more. I am nothing. But
369thatʼs okay. So are you.
370Higher and higher
371how much higher
372lets see what happens
373if I push this button
374letʼs play
375come on
376I haven't played in so long
377itʼll be fun
378just us
379we donʼt need anyone
380up and down
381if someone asks me how I feel i trip up because itʼs like itʼs someone
382else feeling it
383
384
385It gets so lonely sometimes. Imagining another personʼs body
386against mine. I get desperate. Next time Iʼm fucking Jason.
387Sometimes he would hold me so tightly against him I felt like I wasnʼt
388sure who was drowning and who was the life preserver.
389I want to be someoneʼs plaything, I want that to be my purpose. It
390doesnʼt have to be Andrew. Heʼs just a man, but no oneʼs ever felt
391comfortable around me to say what he said. To ask me to do what i
392did and for me to happily oblige because I trusted him. I donʼt want
393to lose that wild spontaneous freeness  my mind, my body, my
394endless desire. I will never stop wanting you to do whatever you
395want with me. Maybe the journey to opening your mind comes with
396opening your puss. Iʼm doing the world a service really. People need
397to be having more sex and most problems would go away. Or maybe
398thatʼs just me. Ashes to ashes, he said.
399After being relentlessly pounded for two hours, wobbling
400downstairs, hearing him say Iʼm not done with you yet, two more
401hours.
402I canʼt stop thinking about having sex at school. Imagine getting
403caught, that would be so hot. Some teacher walking in, me pushed
404up against the wall. I canʼt deny it was nice having tim finger me
405while i alternated between his intense gaze and that  the man in
406the car next to us. Today i put on red lipstick, smearing it past my
407lips like Sky Ferreira in her music video.
408A hot guy walked by me. I wanted to pull him into my car. I need to
409stop getting turned on by the slightest thing. Desire. Loneliness.
410Donʼt leave me but I want to be alone.
411
412
413Iʼm lying on my bed, my face burning from who knows what? My
414deep deep shame? Definitely. I got my pipe back today, high times
415are ahead! Iʼd rather be a hammer than a nail, yes I would, if I could, I
416surely would. Simon and Garfunkel. Everyone in yoga today was
417having an orgasm in this pose where you lie facedown in lotus. Why
418do I need to smoke anyway? Just have memorable orgasms.
419Honestly. Honestly is what Tim says. The most fuckable guy in my
420acting class so naturally I asked if he wanted to hang out in my car
421sometime. Each time I saw him I found myself staring at his mouth. I
422remember guyʼs moths more than anything else. Andrewʼs thin, up
423to no good lips. Grahamʼs lips that always seemed like he was
424kissing the air. Timʼs pillowy lips. His face crinkles when he sees me.
425Shit I have therapy tomorrow. In the meantime I take a few tokes and
426let it go. It all slips away and I want to feel good. I really do. What
427makes me feel good I know, to feel desired.
428Maribeth, my singing teacher gave me a book called The Happy
429Hooker. She thought it would resonate with me. I feel like Iʼve lived in
430this house forever. Gotta get out, I canʼt die in here.Busy people,
431busy lives, Here I sit with no obligation, free to do exactly as i please.
432If you please. Do you please. We are siamese. But only if you please.
433Otherwise we can change our ethnicity.
434Imagine the second before you die. Is it like “oh shit!” or “at last!” I
435have so much to give.
436Iʼm so bad at resisting temptation. I guess my logic is why should I
437resist? As long as it's not bothering anyone or hurting anyone. But
438you can never really know that. In todayʼs segment we will explore
439
440
441the topic  arousal. I read this article about turn ons and how giving
442in and letting go  control allows people to truly be happy. There is
443a joy that comes in thinking “Wow a man is shoving all this energy
444into me. Itʼs a spiritual experience.” So what turns me on? What gets
445me fired up? Itʼs like an urge to get rid , an emotional release. This
446is fun and exciting because it's illegal. Thatʼs why they make things
447illegal. Respect. Do I even want it? She doesnʼt respect you, he
448doesnʼt respect you, so what? Disrespect turns me on.
449I canʼt fucking control myself. This is exactly what you wanted, isn't
450it? What could possibly be troubling you? You have no reason to be
451troubled. Go to yoga, chill out, drop out, tune in, just enjoy this high.
452Fuck you not wanting to do anything but lie there. Iʼm going to a
453music festival. So coachella. but who to go with?
454Naomi is showing her friends my drawings. This is okay. Iʼm okay.
455Itʼs gonna be alright. Yesterday when I smoked with Naomi she was
456like “everythingʼs going so fast but itʼs going so slow”
457Why the desire to absorb yourself in another person? To distract
458yourself from the knowledge that all we have is days marching on
459until they stop.
460Whatʼs that?
461A margarita
462Maaargaaarrritaaaaaaa
463Want some?
464
465
466I donʼt want you catching feelings
467or wanting to have my babies
468I just wanna feel alright
469Itʼs alright
470Nothings right but itʼs gonna be alright
471it is alright and itʼs gonna be alright
472Every solution seems so temporary
473Apparently I have a crotch staring problem. It can be cured by
474saying “I just saw a huge cockroach.” Momʼs humor.
475Kurt Cobain smoked weed. You know what happened to him? He
476killed himself.
477I donʼt have anyone Iʼm close to and it's my fault. Just go to sleep.
478What do I even have to say anymore? The days bleed into each
479other, the morning with yay I get to be me promise and the nights
480with their drift into oblivion. People are doing all kinds  awesome
481shit and I will too. Any one  these days Iʼll be at some festival on
482shrooms with Rhianna and Nicki just chilling, maybe hooking up. The
483song “west coast” is playing by coconut records. Please please
484please please please please eat, momʼs saying. do you really want to
485do this to me? sheʼs saying. Andrew Andrew Andrew Andrew
486Andrew Andrew Andrew Andrew
487What will become  us? Will we do our little dance and then sink
488
489
490into the ground and melt and become one with the earth? Or will we
491all rise up into the sky and mix with the clouds and the wind? When
492weʼre all gone it wonʼt matter what we did in our lives will it? Or will
493we always be here? No. We live and then weʼre gone. Life is what
494you make it, huh, Andrew? What exactly are you making it?
495Eric said “I missed you. Did you ever think  me.” and I was like a lil
496bit with a smile
497contradictions
498old/new
499slow/fast
500hot/cold
501yes/no
502in/out
503up/down
504wrong/right
505black- wait this is katy perryʼs song
506having a job
507pros
508money
509
510
511people
512confidence
513Iʼve got so much to give
514cons
515having to do what they say
516applications
517obligation commitment
518being turned down
519menial labor
520iʼm a mogul
521Iʼve always felt I was meant to pursue something higher
522When I couldn't sleep at camp the counselor said to close my eyes
523and imagine the perfect day. I wake up in a warm bright room and a
524stranger is going down on me. It becomes more familiar and I
525completely let go.
526I know what keeps me going through the banality  daily existence.
527its an energy within me, connecting to it and nurturing it in any form
528it takes. A girl I went to school with had a baby. I couldnʼt handle a
529dog. Can I handle myself?
530Is this the way i am? going to get fucked by this guy for now because
531
532
533thatʼs all it is. Thatʼs all i want. Leave me breathless, laughing
534because I'm breathless.
535Top notch day. Got a perspective? Change it. Talk to people. They're
536nice. I walked by some guys and heard them say “That girl knows
537whatʼs good”
538Another top notch day! Iʼm in costa rica. I got burnt and bitten but I
539surfed! The instructor was like “youʼre smiling, now I'm smiling”
540Naomi said “why are you smiling?” Donʼt you know?
541Iʼm only a third done with this journal. What will I be like by the end?
542My family talked to this boy and his dad at the beach. He whispered
543to me as he hugged me goodbye “be here now”. He was also saying
544something about how when we die our thoughts die with us.
545I saw my dadʼs penis today what did you do? We went to this guyʼs
546house and he was insane. Me and Naomi were like give me some 
547whatever heʼs on. He didnʼt recognize my dad even though they had
548a long conversation yesterday. When Naomi introduced herself he
549said “Your nameʼs Miami? hahahah oh Niami? hahahahah oh Naomi?
550hahahah
551Everything goes away to make space for new.
552Youʼd never believe who I saw today. Andrew. He had been trying to
553reach me from jail and rehab but my phone wasnʼt working. Every
554time itʼs like this guy is fucking me like he just got out  jail or f
555some drug binge and itʼs like yeah thatʼs true. I told my family I was
556going to see someone else. Heʼs just as good as I remembered and I
557was pretty sober. Something was different though. It was like a
558
559
560mature meeting  two adults. His body felt like home and I clung to
561each word that he uttered. Feeling our hearts beating as fast as
562possible right up against each other, the veins in his neck, his
563artsiness evident in every deliberate move he makes. He makes me
564fall  the face  the earth.
565good day, no complaints, snuck into the old house with my partner
566in crime. We make a funny pair. He was singing this led zeppelin
567song “good times, bad times”
568Today i will be lady happy lady peaceful. I will hold nothing back.
569Mom said that iʼm frying my brain, iʼve lost weight, i seem different
570to do list
571-art essay
572-art project
573-smoke weed
574-have sex
575Art was awesome. I lost track  time, so content. I need to think
576about my future. Clark, New Paltz, where am i f to next?
577I LIKE EVERYTHING IN THE WHOLE WORLD
578Momʼs putting around downstairs, mumming about. Thinking about
579him during the day keeps me going. Yesterday in the library i said
580“Iʼd worship anyone”. Everyone was like what?
581
582
583I got high alone in the school bathroom like a junkie. This lady
584walked in as I was taking a big hit but nothing happened. Carlos told
585me he did MDMA again and Broad Cityʼs tomorrow! Itʼs a fine, fine
586life! In this Key and Peele he says “All the Europine Countries lay
587before me,which shall i go to first?”
588This school year I did
589-communications
590-art
591-acting
592-internship at art gallery
593I went to the play a few minutes late for my acting class. They
594wouldnʼt let me in. I said “you seem so nice, really reasonable. I ran
595to get here. I drove over a half hour to get here. They refused. Dad
596was speaking in tongues downstairs when I got back home
597“dessert…too faded”
598I felt really connected to Andrew today. He intertwined our fingers
599and pressed his forehead to mine. I love Andrew and I know in his
600own way he loves me too.
601The therapist was kindly suggesting other things I could do with
602Andrew besides have sex. He didn't get the job he tried for because
603they did a background check. Heʼs so smart and creative. He texted
604me “I want to fuck the cum out  your pussy and have you cum all
605over me” Very inspirational. I gotta go start meeting new people.
606
607
608Kindred spirits.
609When I came back from my run I talked to mom. She said dad and
610her stress each other out. Theyʼve given each other shingles. Dad
611told me to text Andrew if he wanted to go hiking.  course I did.. 
612course he doesnʼt.
613We didnʼt have a good relationship. Still i cried. He texted saying “I
614don't feel right about it” and i said I agreed. Itʼs not even the way he
615treated me. I can treat myself better.
616I need to take better care  myself. Dad came upstairs saying dinner
617was ready.
618“Iʼm not hungry”
619“Youʼre gonna miss out on a great meal”
620“No I wonʼt. Iʼll miss Andrew.”
621The East End Arts shindig is this weekend! There will be craft
622vendors and exhibiting artists, a drum circle, art barn, raffle, food
623trucks, street artists, and performances. Itʼs easy. Keep it easy. I got
624a job at a flower stand at the farmers markets.
625First day as a working girl. I managed the whole stand myself! Next
626iʼm gonna learn to drive the truck. The guy next to me was selling
627moonshine. His wife had a Cheech and Chong shirt on and they had
628a ton  kids.
629At the chalk fair I made a square saying “shift happens” and “not all
630who wander are lost”. those are things people said to me. This
631
632
633republican guy tried to get me to vote for him, like Iʼm not voting for
634you chief! Did she just call me chief?
635Leslie was talking about “yoga stoned” trying to get on my level I
636guess. Theres also sex stoned. Your brain just shuts down and
637you're in your body.
638John and John from Social Studies are cute. In english we had to fill
639in the blank about our partners essay. It said I like the way you… and
640i wrote are. He said my essay was wild.
641I saw Kody at a party. He kept looking over at me.
642The guy with the bulge kept coming to my stand.
643“You want that big black dick in your mouth? Youʼre basically Kim
644Kardashian”- my sister
645Back in our heyday I would cough out “oh shit” after getting
646sufficiently high. Andrew would say “that one got you?”
647John is coming to Friendly Gathering with me. Everett said I seem
648too alive and too comfortable all the time. John said I bring up
649uncomfortable topics. He called me after he left and said “come
650outside and kiss me” i declined. He said thereʼs less benefits this
651way.
652This guy Kevin was hitting on me at the market like goddamn! I
653texted him. Heʼs my type. Skinny, looks like a mentally ill drug
654addict.
655“Thanks for putting a huge smile on my dumb face” he said
656
657
658The guy at the farmerʼs market said “good girl” to me. You wouldn't
659say that if I was a boy. “Good boy”, no.
660Kevin. thirty something. Gave me a nug and a blunt. came bearing fruit.
661He's a talker. A dreamer. Dark blue eyes and sandy blond hair.
662Freckled forearms, big hards. Says Iʼm “far out”. His dick looked nice
663in his swim trunks. Iʼm leaving for Friendly in a few hours. It was so
664tempting to go away with him to the commune, to Paris, wherever.
665Iʼll see him on monday though. He could buy me free people clothes,
666teach me guitar, I didnʼt want to stop talking to him.
667I hooked up with a girl and her boyfriend at Friendly.
668Got with Kevin, as expected, amazing. He said we could go to the
669commune tomorrow. Itʼs the least commune-y commune. Patrick
670and Izzy (the couple) might even come visit soon! Roz is also
671coming. Everyoneʼs coming.
672Quit the flower gig/ got fired. The boss got mad that I was trading
673people flowers for things that I keep myself. He thinks Iʼm making
674him lose money, I think Iʼm making people like the company more by
675giving them free flowers. Two ways  looking at it. Kevin said I could
676sleep over again tomorrow.
677Dad and Meryl were outside smoking. I took a big hit and watched
678mom sipping wine inside, watching us.
679Laurel said I have a wild and crazy “lifestyle” because i gave this fifteen
680year old his first kiss and now heʼs obsessed. He called at  one pm. I
681said I was at the dentist. He called again at six and then texted “are
682you still at the dentist?”
683
684
685Everyoneʼs getting super friendly at work. I got a blown kiss, a few
686peace signs and a kiss on the cheek. Everyone except Steve. Here is
687a list  things Steve has said. In order. Order  importance.
688you have a really big head for your body
689you seem like an only child
690I donʼt trust Rebecca with a beer (drinks another beer in one gulp
691while driving, crashes the car for second time that day)
692like you're smart, but you act stupid
693Thatʼs not a good hug
694Is he black?
695Have you done anal?
696gain twentyfive pounds and iʼll call you bertha
697Yeah you wanna hug with an F
698What are you eating (times ten in a voice that made me really
699uncomfortable)
700Iʼll be easier on you next time
701I went on a tinder date. I figured I had to meet him because he wrote
702me a  thing and he doesn't even know me. Also heʼs a
703touring pianist. I canʼt not. Curiosity got the best  me. He ordered
704three orders  fries and a thing  waffles and a margarita. We were at a
705burger place. I got a burger like a normal person. He said “wanna
706see something weird?” then put his leg behind his head before I had
707a chance to say no.
708today I had a nervous breakdown and mom walked and talked with
709me on the beach. I got a shard  glass stuck in my foot and dad
710pulled it out
711
712
713Tomorrow Kevin and I are going to his parole ficer. Weʼll see if he
714can do a day trip f the island. When we passed his dad he asked
715“howʼs work?” his dad responded “howʼs not work?” We have
716permission to leave the island though.
717youʼll never get f the island
718Last night I couldn't sleep so I smoked and did laps for a while. it was
719euphoric.
720Kevin spent the day here yesterday. Dad and Meryl told stories late
721into the night. Mom and Dad are going up for a few days to Naomiʼs
722visiting day. They think Iʼm gonna have a party. I really just want to
723chill out in the pool without a suit. Maybe have some kids over. Like
724three. Kevinʼs coming, also Pat and Izzy.
725Kevin got crazy about Pat and Izzy and how I wanted them more. We
726spent the day together all  us, at the beach, the pool. He
727suggested leaving at night and I said okay. He demanded me to tell
728him I was going to fuck Pat and Izzy but I told him I didnʼt know. He
729said I was full  shit and that I had a big mouth and I should learn
730what happens to girls with big mouths. I had a few guesses, but I
731just turned on my vibrator and held it on me saying “I don't need
732you”. I looked him right in the eyes and in that moment we had an
733understanding  sorts.
734“Weʼve been doing a lot  talking” is all he said. He asked to see me
735the next day and I said no.
736I have been introduced to the ways  acid by Patrick and Izzy and
737their friend Ryan. We went to clap your hands say yeah at the
738
739
740bowery. The whole time felt like a dream with the occasional
741heightened awareness. We went to Times Square at four am and they
742were jumping all over the place, effortlessly climbing on things,
743anything that was in their way, twirling.
744Yesterday I went on a hike with mom in New Paltz. I got a seventys shirt
745and turquoise cords.
746Last night was the comedian Judy Gold at Bay Street. She focused
747on me the most. I made myself apparent when she asked “whoʼs
748been to CBT?” I expected more people to raise their hands. I was the
749only one. She kept coming back to me asking questions. She knew I
750was Jewish. She said I was smart. She said she loved me.
751Afterwards a ton  people came up to me.
752I took Kevin to the city the other day, his first time in probably a
753decade. To increase the kid in a candy store thing I took him to Lush
754and Babeland and Dyalnʼs Candy Bar.
755This weekend I will try to piece together for you to the best  my
756ability. On Friday Roz and I set f for Wildwoods fest in New
757Hampshire. Before we arrived we were insanely high on edibles. We
758walked around talking to people in the “holistic village”, exhibiting
759artists, masseuses. There was a man named TJ drinking mushroom
760tea. I asked if I could take a doggy bag, like a sampler I could drink at
761my leisure and he agreed to it. I didnʼt even reciprocate his
762cunnilingus. I was already on to the next person, a boy writing a
763book about “festival life”. I contributed, doubtful  its success. I led
764Pat and Iz back to my soaked tent for sex and they just went with it.
765Afterward Izzy and I met a couple with a huge tent. The girlʼs name
766
767
768was Jeannie and her boobs were painted. I told her she had nice
769boobs and her boyfriend assumed I wanted to fuck. I figured I might
770as well find out if I like eating pussy so I went along with it all. We
771even exchanged numbers, all  us. The very last thing we did was
772dance in the field, all  us with our own unique style, Rozʼs slow,
773overly sexual moves, my somewhat graceful leaping around, Patrick
774and his galaxy hands.
775Jeannieʼs been tempting me to come visit. I need to plan a Vermont
776trip this fall. School starts up again in a week. Ive got to go on a
777hiking trip at least once before then. Jeannie sent some pictures 
778her sex toy collection. Itʼs very extensive. Laurel asked if Iʼd ever
779been on a sex swing.
780no, have you?
781thatʼs irrelevant. lollipop?
782Woke up unsettled. First time itʼs not all good man in a while. In my
783dream I drove past the exits that were anywhere near my exit and
784got f in a strange part  a city.
785Kevin wore corduroy shorts today. I was ready to make use  my
786corduroy blowjob reflex but didn't get the chance because he
787thought my family was too close. Later on the couch he didnʼt seem
788to mind sliding his fingers between my legs.
789we took a long walk on the beach, five or eight hours, and stopped midway
790to itch the scratch. I told him how I want to capture the feeling 
791hearing for what we donʼt know, like hearing about all this stuff but it
792feeling out  reach.
793
794
795The movie Diary  A Teenage Girl set me free.
796I donʼt think weʼre looking for the same thing. Thereʼs monogamous
797love and then thereʼs the other option. What I want. I haven't smoked
798in four days and my sense  wellbeing is lower than itʼs been in a while.
799Iʼm trying to counteract it with masturbation and Crosby Stills. Some
800things weed canʼt fix. Kevin will be here any minute now and I will try
801all the tactics in the book and out  the book. Yes, Iʼm aware dadʼs
802downstairs. My brow canʼt stop furrowing and knotting my eyebrows
803together. My foreheadʼs wrinkling in an unfamiliar way.
804Itʼs good for my art.
805I want him to scare me. I want him to consume me and put some fear
806that smacks me out  my head and into my eyes. Dododododo de
807dododododo, what have you got to lose? Love is coming to us all.
808First day  art. The teacher said I was unreasonably happy. I also
809ran into this girl Meghan from high school thatʼs really into music.
810I want it all to make sense. Or at least seem so. Thatʼs why acid
811appeals to me. Sex n drugs baby sex n drugs. Jeannie. She is. I am.
812We are separately. The togetherness  sex, itʼs all an illusion isnʼt it.
813Nope, itʼs real. He says Iʼm a very exciting lover. Itʼs really just me
814loving myself and heʼs a portal. We went to yoga and a movie, I made
815him leave early to do what Iʼd rather do. Meghan mentioned this
816local fest called Bradstock. Like Woodstock only Brad.
817We went to pick up at Kevinʼs friend Anthonyʼs house. He said “listen
818to your girl”. We finally got out  bed around noon. Because we
819
820
821fucked for half the day. How is that even possible? He also woke me
822up in the middle  the night for it. I refused to swallow his cum so he
823did it himself.
824Took mushrooms at Bradstock with him. Meghan hooped while I
825stood in front  the bubble machine and tossed a blue balloon up in
826the air forever.
827Spent four days straight with him. He didnʼt want to say goodbye. I
828didnʼt really either. When we were walking on the beach I told him I
829still feel mushroomy and he said
830YOUʼRE PSYCHEDELIC NOW
831YOU MIGHT FEEL A BIT LIKE THIS…… FOREVER
832My manny told me heʼs bad for me. We were walking the dog and
833smoking and he was telling me how most men got away with what
834has been his life  crime and how now heʼs scared to do anything.
835Iʼm sure he was triggered by the woman at the thrift store
836threatening to call the police, but he totally deserved it. Always
837starting a fight. He apologized prusely for being upset or cranky.
838TJ invited me over and Iʼm tempted. By the literal fruit  another. He
839texts dirty. Some people you just canʼt force the creativity. I
840intoxicate him into eternity and the gleam in my eyes is ecstatic
841eternally.
842Today I volunteered to be the substitute model in my life drawing
843class. My hands and feet got so numb I transcended and levitated. It
844was awesome.
845
846
847We hiked Bear Mountain on shrooms. Some  the leaves had just
848started to turn yellow and orange. We sang in the car, meanwhile
849being acutely aware  each leaf on each tree.
850Weʼre gonna play at an open mic this week, if we ever get to
851practicing. Dad broke out the home videos from my childhood for us
852tonight.
853We actually jammed today! I sang while he played west coast by
854Lana and salad days by Mac de Marco. I wanted to go outside but he
855made us stay in his room. He asked me to hold his guitar, then got
856unreasonably mad when I placed it on the bed after a while.
857Tomorrow Iʼm volunteering for Hamptons Yoga Fest.
858The fest was amazing. I did a ceremony with a shaman named steve
859who told me itʼs not what you do but the intention for doing it. CC
860White gave a magical performance and I danced the night away with
861everyone, even getting the mic for a bit. The next day I met Dan
862Bailey and we fell in love. He sent me a text:
863Hey lovely, feels good to know you, digging that look in your eyes,
864lets see what it becomes, shall we?
865Kevin: so whatʼs the deal?
866Me: I drank the juice thatʼs the deal
867Weʼre working on Brooklyn Baby by Lana
868Today I met Michael “ganesha” at the park at the end  my street.
869He was telling me about shaman drama in their love lives. What if I
870
871
872got involved in that scene? I might take a yoga teacher training so
873thatʼs a step closer. Iʼd be chanting ad healing people all the time. I
874kissed Michael and touched his shaved head in the middle  the
875field.
876Todayʼs the Jewish holiday when everyone fasts. Everyone except
877me.
878Kevin finally got a job! Heʼs gonna be a waiter.
879mmm ma lord
880ooh my lord
881I really wanna know you
882Last night Dan Bailey the musician serenaded me at the beach. He
883brought all kinds  pillows and blankets and drove on the right hand
884side. He spoke  his travels around the world, staying in youth
885hostels. It was lovely and a bit intimate.
886I was just hanging out with Meghan and laughing more than I had in
887a while. May be nerves, but theyʼre for nothing. Weʼre going to the
888shaman lodge.
889Itʼs been a few days and I still haven't been to the shaman lodge.
890Making plans. This weekend Kevin performs at a masterclass
891classical thing my mom somewhat set up. He took me to see Ogee
892Wawa, his friend Chadʼs band at the Paramount in Huntington. The
893next day we went to a grateful dead cover band fest. Maybe he was
894tripping differently than me but he cried and lay his head right in my
895
896
897lap for a while. His jaw made an endearing sporadic quiver.
898I finally went to the shaman lodge! Meghan came for
899inspiration/support. We drove down a narrow gravelly dirt road with
900teepees and followed the music “my sweet lord”. We talked to Steve
901for hours. It was a lot to take in, his whole life story. The main
902message was to stay true to yourself. In the car ride back we built on
903each otherʼs ideas.
904Tomorrow Iʼll tell Kevin that we need to stop being in a relationship.
905By phone.
906Yesterday with Dan was amazing, all day I've been thinking about it. I
907helped him unload decorations into the East Quogue “studio”. He lit
908about twenty big red candles which was a bit excessive if you ask me but
909they had seen some use, all melted down like that.
910He does this thing where he talks when weʼre fucking and its
911melodious and harmonious and transcendental. He lets me be free.
912Kevin is currently at our house talking to my mom trying to get me
913back. My heart is pounding out  my chest. Im writing this as quiet
914as I can so he doesnʼt come upstairs. Dad would scare him out.
915Please please please please leave. The door just closed. Why is he
916so scary?
917Today he was on top  his car, playing guitar in the huge parking lot
918at school. He found my car. Iʼm leaving tomorrow for Vermont and
919canʼt wait.
920I got home last night and Dan seemed eager to see me. One  his
921
922
923lyrics is “thereʼs a magical energy I hold”. If you say so. A woman on
924the ferry told me not to give Kevin the time  day. The ride was long
925but I jammed to Fiona Apple and Diane Birch. When I arrived I said a
926quick hi to my aunt and Roz, both wouldn't let me leave without a
927kiss goodbye. When I got to Jeannie and Scottʼs, Jeannieʼs sister
928was there which made the whole sex thing difficult. We went on a
929hike and while Jeannie frolicked ahead, I talked to Scott. He made us
930dinner and we watched him in a taped performance  Les Mis. I
931knew every word. The next day I left, a little too much to Scottʼs
932dismay and went to Pat and Ryan and two other guyʼs house in
933downtown Burlington. Their new seventeen year old tinder girlfriends were
934there. Izzy was in Austin and called Ryan the next morning, telling
935about how she got into Austin City Limits. We played music on
936Church Street and I sang along a bit. This woman walked up to us
937and asked what we beautiful people were up to. A lot. Soon their
938friend ‘coon came round with acid candy and a bit  coke just for
939Patrick. We were walking down to the water and I was so excited I
940tried to kick Ryanʼs butt just as he was kicking mine. I fell and
941scraped my knees but was soon more focused on my surroundings.
942We climbed up a fire escape on a building at UVM and watched the
943sunset with a bunch  other kids. That night we watched Wet Hot
944American summer and Pat played George Harrison for me, also back
945that ass up, not sure if for me.
946 Later that night, Patric came up to the huge lt where I was
947snuggling and asked “what do you want from me?”
948“Everything” I said and sucked his dick despite his protests. His
949friend was sleeping right there, like thatʼs ever been an issue. The
950next morning Ryan and I walked for a bit and he said how he thought
951
952
953I was too weird when he first me at Friendly because I was trying to
954get with his friends and now heʼs come to his senses.
955Today we had a discussion in my womenʼs studies class when she
956asked us to write questions for the opposite sex. I went on a tangent
957about how Dan asked me to make him a pie and he didnʼt think it
958was unreasonable because I made him one before.
959Dan says heʼs recording with his mom. Heʼll be ready in an hour.
960Didnʼt answer whether or not Lauren was there. Sheʼs such a
961beautiful person. I love them. She spoke  these parties where
962everyone trips and men swing women around in complicated moves
963in the air. We smoked and wined and sexed and ate and danced and
964laughed.
965I was getting ready to go to Dan and Laurenʼs but texted him no after
966thinking about it. He would have none  my “flake-y” ways. They
967were just sitting down to dinner at eleven pm and I told the about my day
968with Meghan. The next cosmic party may conflict with Meghan and
969me going to Woodstock. The parties are in Sag Harbor and are v.
970exclusive. It is now three am and  course they wanted me to stay but I
971wanted to be free. Iʼm all wound up and my mouth feels funny,
972probably his funky spunk. I tried to negate it with cereal and grapes.
973I really wish we had those weed chocolate espresso beans.
974Today Jeannie sent me a letter! I wrote her one back with
975illustrations. Scottʼs been asking me to text him. Text him what? Like
976you donʼt just say that. Text me. Love me.
977Not tired. I wanted to see Dan but thatʼs not happening. This
978Thursday Iʼm babysitting for the german girls and then Iʼm going to
979
980
981New Paltz to plan my new life. Sleeping arrangements have yet to be
982configured. Mom was just sitting on my bed shooting the shit. I was
983complaining how Lauren doesnʼt have any documented fat phase.
984Thatʼs unrealistic. Also she thinks her simultaneous orgasm shit is
985believable. I finished Diary  a Teenage Girl the book! Sad to see it
986end, will I ever love again?
987Danʼs MIA so I did the unspeakable. I texted Kevin I know I KNOW!
988No plan to see him, I really just want to be touched. Anyone really. I
989texted a lot  people before him.
990Yesterday I went to this amazing woman Juliannaʼs house in East
991Hampton. Sheʼs in with all the shamans and has an outdoor
992adventure business she runs with her “boyfriend” who's almost sixty.
993Sheʼs in her twenties and has an extensive garden. We made fried green
994tomatoes and tulsi tea and realized we have a lot in common.
995It was so nice babysitting the girls! They said “weʼre basically
996sisters” referring to me and them. Also, they touched their dogʼs
997balls. Getting to bed is always a struggle though. Dinner and
998homework come easy but if you even try to get these girls to turn f
999the lights they turn it into let me jump over you onto the bed game
1000and lemme just hump the dog one more time. But itʼs impossible to
1001not love them with their colorful german pointy hoods saying “oust!”
1002to Ruby and cartwheeling all over.
1003Iʼve been keeping something from you. Kevin came to my school
1004again with roses and wrote on the blackboard  my womenʼs
1005studies class KAC  RSG and somehow enticed me to his car. I
1006donʼt know how but by the time we got there I was already having
1007
1008
1009trouble piecing together sentences. He pushed his crotch against
1010mine with my back to his car and for some reason I wasnʼt trying to
1011escape.
1012Get in the car.
1013Why
1014Just get in the car
1015nothing
1016I think you really really need it
1017What— makes -you—- think- that?
1018He leaned even closer and said
1019Canʼt you feel it
1020Tonight Laurenʼs not there.
1021I just came back from New Paltz with mom. I went to a few classes
1022and we stayed at this German ladyʼs motel. She was like “someone
1023get this girl a cat!”
1024Earlier I realized I had been humping the floor and stopped.
1025Iʼm tired but high and mildly inspired to write. Yesterday Dan took
1026me to see the Pan movie threeD. I stayed awake for the whole thing
1027despite being f my tits on edibles. We then retired to his bed and
1028then his studio. I pressed the record button. He sang. After a while I
1029was drifting f, maybe around two so we slept for a while and then
1030
1031
1032woke up for some morning yoga taught by him. He gave me a lot 
1033assists. Made a big meal, watched pornography, consumed
1034marijuana, had sex, took a shower, watched family guy, listened to
1035music and where did the day go? He sort  invited me to a butt
1036workout place to try to entice the teacher to get with us, and invited
1037me to do Halloween with them. Iʼve got to get some sleep, I have to
1038wake up early. He told me how theyʼre polyamorous but she doesnʼt
1039want to get with anyone else. Only him.
1040Pornog Ideas
1041-sex addicts meeting
1042-mom takes kid to drug counselor
1043-pirates
1044-couple taking in a wanderer
1045-tribe initiating new member
1046-gypsy sisters convinced ejaculate is fountain  youth
1047-donald trump haters
1048-confused reality
1049 course dan wants to do the gypsy one. I was really leaning
1050towards pirates or trump. I just wouldn't want to film it while I have
1051pimples like I do now. Lauren sent me a link to a Burner party in four
1052days, it looks amazing.
1053
1054
1055Today in womenʼs seminar I made an announcement that all the girls
1056should get themselves a lela vibrator but not the oral sex simulator
1057one. This girl came up to me after class saying “what did you say the
1058name was?” Jimmy Jordan called out my name from his car driving
1059by. We talked in the library and he complimented my clogs. He said
1060he wrote a play or a screenplay or something.
1061Went to the butt class with Lauren. Iʼll try to seduce the teacher
1062tomorrow. In the next room Naomiʼs listening to music and I canʼt
1063stop thinking about last night. We took turns holding the camera,
1064way too high to function. Then, this morning groggily shuffling to
1065class who should be standing in front  my classroom but good old
1066Kevin. I tried to eschew him but he kept trying to kiss me saying he
1067loved me and he knew I loved him too. After class he played me his
1068rendition  “we canʼt stop” by Miley. It was horrible and had special
1069emphasis on “tryna get a line n the bathroom”. My out was that I had
1070a gyro appointment. It was my sixth STD test in the past year, she
1071commented about how Iʼm always there and I should respect myself
1072more.
1073Lauren told me she will show me her full costume collection in the
1074airstream. This time I only saw the lingerie. She suggested I put
1075some on and when I tried to take it f Dan said “Noooooooooo!!!!”
1076Like alright we get it, been doing foreplay for two too many hours. Letʼs
1077get to it. I know youʼre high but come on dude. I wish I could tell him
1078exactly what to do and he would do it. I donʼt want to be too much
1079though. I know they love me in their own way.
1080This is a conversation  theirs I witnessed:
1081
1082
1083Can you give me a butt massage? I really went up in the weights
1084today
1085Why arenʼt you in the mood at all lately? Youʼre getting really
1086attitude-y
1087I tried to kiss Lauren goodbye but she turned it into lips-to-cheek
1088I tried to help with dishes
1089Last night I tried to seduce her but she refused, in favor  dishes
1090Today that guy from my summer class John came up to me. My gay
1091friend said he thought John was gay. He also told me Kevin came
1092once when I wasnʼt there.
1093No word from Dan and Lauren about the Halloween city trip. I want
1094to text him so bad. If only Lauren wasnʼt there. Iʼm listening to
1095Extraordinary Machine by Fiona because he recommended it. Itʼs my
1096least favorite Fiona album. Ok now I can go over there. Weʼll see if I
1097return. No, I will. Iʼll definitely return.
1098Just as I was about to go he texted me “not sure itʼs a good time
1099anymore”. Mom lectured me about getting in the middle 
1100relationships and how having sex every day isnʼt real life. I went to
1101Meghanʼs and got really high and danced around. We had tea and
1102got dressed up in sequin flares and answered the door for trick or
1103treaters with spunk. Dan kept trying to lure me over saying how he
1104wasnʼt feeling good and I could help. I texted back saying how
1105Laurenʼs clearly not into it and I didnʼt want to come between them.
1106 course he said not to take it personal, Laurenʼs just going through
1107
1108
1109some stuff.
1110Cousin Michael came over. Heʼs dadʼs age. A nomad. Whilst
1111explaining the symbolism  death and destruction in my indian
1112statue he noticed this mask in my room. He told me to put it on. I
1113took it f after a few moments and he said
1114“put it back on”
1115I comply
1116“good girl”
1117“Naomi has one too”
1118“I like yours” he said with an undeniable twinkle in his eyes.
1119So last night Dan was on a colon cleanse so Lauren and I went to the
1120butt class and she stayed to talk with her friend for an hour
1121afterwards. I listened to them talk about how their men wanted to be
1122with other women but they didnʼt want to be with other men. Then I
1123took her to vote at the elementary school. Dan was there and while
1124we waited for Lauren we talked about our experiences at the
1125elementary school. At one point he claimed to be the cause  a
1126balloon on the ceiling and I looked at him in what I thought was a
1127skeptical look and he said “donʼt look at me like that”. He kept
1128saying “Did you miss me? Did you miss me? I missed you” I wanted
1129him to fuck me in the shower but he said no, me being on my period
1130and all. He promised a spectacular time for all next time.
1131I want to take a walk. If I had a dog it would be less awkward.
1132
1133
1134Iʼve been looking up bath soak recipes from voodoo shops mostly
1135because I want to and also because Danʼs being froggy. I am not
1136going over there. I want to respect and love and honor myself and
1137doing this is one step closer to the path. Also bringing me closer to
1138the path is my spirit jacket from free people, a big brown crushed
1139velvet blazer. Mom and I saw cousin Natania and Greg for a bit, got
1140them talking about Burning man which never takes much. Mom
1141wants me to go. There are regional ones, transforms and playa del
1142fuego. Iʼve done a lot  living today.
1143What happened
1144Why u actin funny
1145plz be honest
1146I donʼt feel respected enough
1147this isn't what I'm looking for
1148donʼt call
1149He still thinks weʼre gonna get together
1150I went into Port Jeff with Meghan and Ali and showed them Diane
1151Birch music. Meghan showed me her music she made. She sounded
1152incredible.
1153I showed Naomi my lingerie. She put makeup on me and I shaved my
1154regions. I stopped taking the pill.
1155Last night I had a nightmare bout Kevin. I listened to all his blocked
1156
1157
1158voicemails. The last one was scariest “big smile on my dumb face”.
1159Thatʼs the first thing he ever texted me. After I said “I felt like texting
1160you, we met at the market”. Meghan mentioned how at Bradstock he
1161touched her leg in a way that made her uncomfortable.
1162Dan promises to spend some time just the two  us when he gets
1163back from vacation. Heʼs definitely stepping it up, now that I've
1164taken a step back. He says Iʼm gonna feel him in my soul.
1165I started Naomi Woolfʼs book Promiscuities and made a piece that
1166says YES in gold glitter. I asked dad what my next one should be. He
1167said “NO”.
1168“The whole point  yes is not no”- Mom
1169I write to you from the Quogue library couch. Itʼs pleather I'm pretty
1170sure. Fake leather. Mom said I should give Dad space. Wonder if
1171she's home yet. My art class was cancelled today. Iʼm wearing a
1172brown suede dress dad thought was too short with these heeled
1173ankle boots mom got for me. I really hope I can go into the city this
1174weekend just Naomi and I, also New Paltz. Iʼll try to show her that itʼs
1175nice. I feel all scattered. Maybe Iʼll just read. I wish I could write
1176about how I feel. Book titles around me include:
1177Terror Factory
1178The Threat Matrix
1179Meet You In Hell
1180Bridge
1181
1182
1183Hand knit Holidays
1184Before the Devil Knows Youʼre Dead
1185Bring Up the Bodies
1186Eccentric Glamour- ooh thatʼs a good one
1187Dad doesnʼt understand. I want a flingy thingy.He just doesnʼt get
1188why I would want one.
1189 I watched the dog at  Mice and Men at Bay Street. I commiserated
1190with the women about being the only grounded ones out here.
1191 Times like this in bed I want him. Not to talk to, donʼt be ridiculous.
1192To hold me. Not to have sex. I told him to leave and he did.
1193My friend in sociology wants to start a creative movement. i feel like
1194itʼs more about the stuff you personally put out there. What am I
1195putting out there?
1196Lately Iʼve been listening to “The Way Things Are” by Fiona
1197Apple.Iʼm much better f the way things are. Dan face timed me
1198last night which was uncomfortable. Sunday Iʼm going into the city
1199with some art kids. Oh and tomorrow Iʼm babysitting! I should go
1200down and talk to dad. If itʼs Dan Bailey itʼs probably some less than
1201poetic response. It wasnʼt him. Even after this:
1202Iʼm gonna climb on top  you and bounce around on your penis in a
1203rhythm that could rival Bob Marleyʼs (heʼs a big fan) then Iʼm gonna
1204run my fingers through your new shorter but itʼs okay hair letting
1205you work your way down then rewarding you for your efforts and
1206
1207
1208successes and letting you know what Iʼm thinking about your cock,
1209all good things, all things that are good and then reverse cowgirl
1210cause I know how much you like looking at butts. You can rough me
1211up a bit, ideal time frame five-six hours thirthy-eight minute break in between
1212then resume
1213Speaking  resume I just sent my resume out. Mom kept editing the
1214phrasing. I need to build up my resume.
1215I started watching Gumby with Dad but Naomiʼs too weirded out by
1216us. Her discomfort transferred to me but rain is falling lightly and it
1217soothes me from my mentally ill family. Iʼm drowsy and just want to
1218masturbate. Soon Iʼll live on my own and wonʼt feel weird about
1219Naomi probably knowing. I want to stop fiddling with my scabs
1220waiting for Dan to text. I have poured through his Facebook  lies.
1221He could never give me the love I need. A hot feeling comes over me
1222because I could never say no to him. Feel free to say no I will not
1223take no for an answer.
1224Baby, I canʼt help you out
1225While she is still around
1226-Fiona
1227Iʼll be some next manʼs other woman soon
1228- Amy Winehouse
1229I canʼt deny I still want him but thereʼs better out there and I deserve
1230it. Whatever life heʼs created for himself I donʼt want any part .
1231
1232
1233Eventually he will call and I will come over. It will be the last time.
1234Heʼll try to make me feel like Iʼm not good enough for not wanting to
1235be his occasional cum dumpster. Next time I wonʼt even open my
1236mouth. Iʼve got plenty  other options.
1237Note to self: I have no other options
1238That song
1239birds in the sky you know how I feel
1240feeling good
1241came on earlier today. Well hate to break it to you but Iʼm not feeling
1242good no more. Go tell it to Lauren. I donʼt wanna hear it. Essays pile
1243up but it seems like Iʼm holding everything, waiting for you. Iʼm
1244getting tired  your oblivion to my unhappiness. Mom tells me every
1245day itʼs so good I cut the cord with Kevin but now Iʼm not so sure. I
1246texted him last night just saying “hope youʼre doing well” He
1247responded with the sun emoji. Dadʼs downstairs, exasperated on the
1248phone as usual. Roz and Meghan are here to help.
1249Just returned from hell across the street babysitting. Thank god
1250Naomi took over. Honestly I donʼt know how she does it. She asked if
1251I cried.  course I did. Kevin showed up at Meghanʼs open mic. She
1252said he seemed “f” but isn't he always? I interrupted my solo orgy
1253to stop by citizen cope in Westhampton. I get in free cuz mom and
1254dad volunteer. They were working the bar.
1255Today was so freeing and now Iʼm going to Dan and Laurenʼs. I feel
1256weird about going over there. I feel weird because itʼs weird. I donʼt
1257
1258
1259want to but I feel like I donʼt have a choice. My ear is killing me on
1260the right its all swollen and throbbing. Itʼs the only swollen throbbing
1261member I want dealt with. Still I masturbate if Iʼm the only one in the
1262backseat  a car. I feel so scared to go over there, scared to leave
1263feeling like trash. I want to be satisfied by the interaction but I know I
1264wonʼt. How can I say that before it happens you might ask. Well it
1265did happen. I gave it a chance and Iʼm not sure if he knows how to
1266give his heart to someone. Itʼs all a front, an act.
1267I hate how he says hi after Iʼve been there for a while. Like I haven't
1268left the room. Itʼs as if he just noticed me. Hi baby. Mocking, almost.
1269Heʼs all worked up for me, he needs me he says. Show me. Report
1270back to you in a bit, see how this shitshow goes. My main motivation
1271to go over there is to write about it. Do it for the journal, for the
1272story, for the people.
1273It was a splendid lovely blissful serene encounter he described as
1274“when you need something and then you get it”. He has a show in
1275the city. Mom says not to go because Thanksgiving at Bear
1276Mountain is the next day. Also Iʼm supposed to volunteer at the Arts
1277Center. Then Iʼm going to Vermont to see Jeannie!!!!
1278I talked for a while with a young jewelry maker and got a smoothie at
1279the health food store across the street.
1280Last night was strange.
1281“This is strange” I said when the ear doctor was vacuuming my ears
1282I want want want Dan
1283
1284
1285This is also strange
1286you get me high then leave? he said
1287Itʼs so hard to wind down. I used to smoke so much, I couldn't write
1288more than a  at a time. Got to admit Iʼm a bit nervous, on edge if
1289you couldnʼt tell. My lighter says “one way” but I know there are
1290many. Iʼve changed a lot since beginning this journal. Iʼve tried most
1291 the drugs, had most  the sex, and yet am not nearly close to
1292being an independent adult. My parents exacerbate it by smothering
1293me in kisses. I like writing high better than talking. Itʼs like I can
1294express myself better. As a kid the thoughts would come to me and
1295Iʼd write them faster than I could judge them. Iʼm getting there. I now
1296introduce myself as moving to New Paltz interested in psych
1297womenʼs studies, maybe education. Next year Iʼll be in the craft fair.
1298Iʼll make plant hangers and wall hangings and maybe glitter signs
1299that say YES. Itʼs pretty fitting that this journal that says gratitude on
1300the cover should end on Thanksgiving. I havenʼt written much about
1301what Iʼm grateful for but that wasnʼt the intent. Iʼm grateful for
1302everything I wrote about so maybe itʼs your perspective. Gonna start
1303the day with a musical breakfast. Doing it right.
1304Iʼm starting out this journal sitting at my desk. Naomiʼs moved a lot
1305her stuff in here so my room is downstairs for the time being. Dadʼs
1306attempting to redo the floors. Just got back from Vermont with
1307Jeannie and now Iʼm f to see Dan because Laurenʼs not around.
1308Mom was like “just do it”. Her word is the almighty because she
1309tends to give good advice despite what I say. I just put on mob
1310ointments. Iʼm in constant limbo basically because I really like Dan/
1311having sex with him but I do realize Laurenʼs sunk her fangs pretty
1312
1313
1314deep in there. Iʼm writing Jeannie a letter now. Sheʼs my real
1315paramour.
1316Just got distracted watching Dan and Laurenʼs youtube and it made
1317me sad.
1318If you havenʼt heard Lanaʼs Honeymoon album, itʼs very haunting.
1319Last night I had a lot to think about being that two boys asked me
1320out. Also Iʼm feeling very untrusting  men in general and also
1321myself. Momʼs been saying “why should you be trusted to live on
1322your own?” so thereʼs that also Iʼve been having trip flashbacks
1323brought on my Christmas shops (Jeannie made me do it with her),
1324seventys documentaries, and Best Buy. All this culminated into a hazy
1325dream punctuated by clear moments Iʼll describe as best as I can.
1326Lana and I or some Lana-like woman were traveling with these two
1327shady men and somehow it became known that one  them had a
1328bomb. Though we were locked in the room we were staying I had the
1329idea that we should dig ourselves out and hide by the traintracks
1330next to the cottage. To blockade us, we put here metal letters in
1331front  us that happened to be lying around. Just as the explosion
1332went f we opened our eyes to find we were in a sunny garden.
1333Naomi was nearby.
1334 Let me backtrack a bit. The dream begins with mom and I sitting
1335down and listening to some Lana. Each song is creepier than the
1336next and I become part  the story. I was supposed to save her. Iʼm
1337currently alone in my life drawing class because social psych was
1338cancelled.
1339
1340
1341
1342Jeannie texted asking to hear two great things that happened today.
1343Getting stoned and wearing assess chaps immediately came to mind
1344but I know there were other good parts. Dan and I talked about
1345controlling dreams and I made coconut flour apple muffins. He
1346wanted me to sleep over but Iʼd rather not. Chris the suitor wanted
1347to FaceTime but Iʼd rather not.
1348Today was long and Iʼm high on the thrill  the city and the
1349unfamiliar. I walked down Prince St and went to bookstore in SoHo
1350while mom was getting her hair done. I saw Lauren Grfʼs book
1351about relationships at the store so I got it. Fates and Furies.
1352Dan: Whatcha doing baby wanna come hang in a little
1353It might be our last chance for a lil while
1354will u come over tonight?
1355Me: Yes just finished at the arts center
1356actually wait
1357a hundred thousand texts later
1358D: so you chose to fuck with me
1359R:The only way to not fuck with you is get fucked by you?
1360Iʼm actually seeing some people
1361D: whatever no ones gonna fuck you like i do
1362Thatʼs a risk Iʼm willing to take. Meghanʼs birthday is in a week and
1363
1364
1365Iʼm still not sure what to give her. Weʼre not really sure what weʼre
1366doing but we were doing high kicks in the hallway earlier to
1367symbolize the kind  day we wanted to have. Iʼm supposed to see
1368Chris tonight. At the arts center I talked to this boss ass bitch in her
1369sixties about the subconscious and all that goes into making decisions
1370and being a whimsical person in general.
1371Red Flags:
1372Andrew
1373-shot a gun at a person
1374-multiple jails
1375-only texted extremely late at night
1376-only wanted me to come to him a half hour away
1377never went on a date/spent $
1378-never met any  his friends
1379-never slept over
1380-didnʼt work
1381-his family didnʼt like him
1382-homeless
1383Kevin
1384
1385
1386-twitching
1387-weird emojis
1388-canʼt stop smoking
1389-no job
1390-insecure
1391-indecisive
1392-controlling
1393-just broke up with last girl
1394-mooching f parents
1395-simpleton
1396-took fifteen years to finish school
1397Dan
1398-spoiled
1399-self absorbed
1400-Lauren
1401-ritualistic
1402-stayed up way too late
1403
1404
1405-simpleton
1406-weird emojis
1407-double standards
1408-forgetful
1409-demanding
1410-hoarder
1411-one sided open relationship
1412-sex with Lauren concerning
1413I went to this little Middle Eastern place with Chris. Heʼs alright. He
1414wants to go ice skating next. Today Iʼm home working on my art
1415assignment. Itʼs hard to get inspired so Iʼm listening to this podcast
1416about creativity. Why do I write anyway? Thereʼs this need to
1417document when you are feeling inspired. Passing it on, documenting
1418what you felt, what heppened. I went to mail a letter and his cute
1419neighborhood boy waved. Going to pick up my Wild by Nature
1420papers. Mmmm baby lemme get behind that deli counter! Tonight I
1421FaceTimed Chris. Heʼs more than alright. He played me more than an
1422hourʼs worth  guitar and he said bloody hell. He put on this
1423newsboy hat and he liked my drawings.
1424Itʼs been awhile since I last wrote. A whole day went by and it feels
1425like longer. John came to art and we left to get cfee and chat. Heʼs
1426still in contact with April but Iʼm sure we have better banter. He said
1427his type is the quiet artist
1428
1429
1430Where do I fall on that?
1431Youʼre quiet but “no holds barred”
1432He said heʼd take me to a warehouse party and help me with my
1433final.
1434Meghan invited me to watch “eight Crazy Nights” but I was at the
1435workout class with Naomi. All the songs were about butts and there
1436were flashing colorful lights in the dark room. Disorienting but good.
1437Later discussing the men in my life with Meghan via text she was like
1438“how do you find these guys?” I told her I wiggle my tongue at them
1439and grunt.
1440As I write, Ruby the dog from down the street tries to get in my
1441crotch. Most action Iʼve seen in weeks. Tessa wonʼt stop playing
1442polly pocket to do her homework. Paulette is doing her homework
1443out loud with a poncho on her head. They hung out at my house
1444after gymnastics and we had dinner there. Paulette tried to read this
1445when we got back to their house. I snatched it back.
1446Today John came over and helped with my full size life portrait.He
1447wants to be an art therapist. We took a neighborhood stroll and
1448talked about the important things in life. No word from Dan still
1449which is probably a good thing.
1450I went into this room to write but have since been fussing with my
1451pores which I know is a symptom  a much larger problem, Danʼs
1452back.
1453He texted “did you have your fun”
1454
1455
1456“I learned from the best”
1457That shut him up. Got him with a Newsies quote. What a brain dead
1458simpleton. He just responded
1459Who me
1460Meanwhile John is planning our Spring Break in Iceland. We had a
1461nice night after the neighborhood stroll, stopping first at the
1462warehouse show with a projector showing a sexy film. We then went
1463to a small party at an art kidʼs house. We talked about sex basically
1464the whole time but Iʼm holding f.
1465We can make a baaabaaaay
1466We can call it Victor
1467was the song playing as I left his house. You know who. He had
1468cards against humanity which I didnʼt know how to do. Itʼs basically
1469you pick two cards and itʼs supposed to be funny. I stayed thirty
1470minutes. Short and sweet. After he finished I hadn't so I did the push
1471the head down technique.
1472Iʼm looking at the drawing John gave me  a blackbird. Its feathers
1473almost look purple. I hung it on the wall across from my bed. From
1474here I can hear mom and Naomi talking about her day. Money. “You
1475sure as hell settled that” Naomiʼs voice interrupts my thoughts.
1476I just had a dream I was having sex with a dog
1477Today was lovely. Last final, did well, went to the greenhouse with
1478John and then I delayed the goodbye by proposing we lie in the sun
1479
1480
1481on the hill outside the art courtyard. Weʼre thinking Coloradoʼs more
1482feasible than Iceland/ Amsterdam for spring break. When his mom
1483objected he used my phrase “I only collect memories”. He gave me
1484this book “Clan  the Cave Bear”. I will definitely never read it. Fates
1485and Furies is so good! The husband is at this artistʼs colony having
1486an emotional affair with a man heʼs collaborating with. The wife is
1487having an affair  her own.
1488Yesterday was the last day  the semester. My social psych teacher
1489addressed only me in a room. His lecture was about how
1490everything isnʼt as it seems. He then announced that I knew what
1491my great passions were, art and writing. He could tell from
1492observation. He showed me photos  his stained glass work, his
1493garden, his son, his sonʼs dog. The rest  the class was waiting.
1494These people that you think youʼre down with come back. again and
1495again theyʼre gonna come back to me. Elle King song. Talking to
1496Meghan earlier I said I feel weird starting a thing up again when I was
1497so different then. It was so long ago.
1498I just read through all this writing from my stony brook class and
1499while much  it was really truly horrible, a lot  it was put together
1500well. Unoriginal phrases, but original concepts. I was reminded 
1501the class because yesterday John and I were at a cfee shop in
1502Miller Place, Crazy Beans. Who should stop in just as we were
1503discussing our future podcast “Universal Revival” but my teacher
1504from that class. He said to email him anytime.
1505Today in Orlandoʼs cafe Meghan was discussing her plan for world
1506dominance via hippie van. Sheʼs so passionate. Joe is so lucky. We
1507
1508
1509wrote a song. Well Meghan wrote most  it. Itʼs called honeybee.
1510Honeybee oh honeybee
1511boil the water and make some tea
1512honeybee oh honeybee
1513I say itʼs for you but itʼs really for me
1514a little for you, a little for me
1515everything we ever need is free
1516letʼs dance away the night and let the moon shine
1517they canʼt tell us how to live
1518they canʼt tell us how to die
1519honeybee thatʼs how it is
1520we got to show em how we do
1521we got to show f all our moves
1522and dance in our own shoes
1523honeybee just me and you
1524woo oooh ohhh
1525days like this I miss him. Iʼll admit it, I do. Iʼm sick today and I very
1526rarely get sick. I wonder if his beliefs were justified.
1527
1528
1529I just woke to mom and Naomi screaming, mostly mom
1530“youʼre an asshole”
1531over and over
1532I went in and Naomi was trying to cover herself with a blanket
1533fering up “youʼre spitting”
1534all because I “stole her razor”
1535Sometimes I see this side  mom, you broke the tea kettle, you
1536always leave stains, you broke the new water boiler (I didnʼt).
1537Yesterday was Christmas and even though weʼre Jewish we got
1538presents. For me a rug, some nice bras and undies, for Naomi a dish,
1539incense, and chocolate.
1540I just saw Chris. Beforehand I had some spectacular breakthroughs
1541 my own. I consummated the new couch in my room. Weʼd had the
1542couch for a while. I drove around with Chris and he suggested truth
1543or dare. One  the questions he asked was how kinky are you on a
1544scale  one to ten and I casually said twelve. He tried to flaccidly
1545hump between my legs.
1546Tomorrowʼs New Yearʼs Eve. I lay in bed for a while this morning,
1547thinking about how I chose to not meet Julianaʼs family at this dinner
1548thing. I didnʼt feel like being social. My out from hanging out with
1549John was to go to this workout class I didnʼt attend in favor 
1550reading and now Iʼm waiting for my cfee to percolate. Dad is taking
1551work calls and Iʼm supposed to go out skating with Meghan and Ali
1552later. Skating on into the new year. This year is probably my best
1553
1554
1555year yet, in terms  increasing independence, honing my passions,
1556making friends, expanded knowledge, freedom, confidence,
1557experience, and mainly knowing when to say no. Actually Iʼve always
1558been good at that one. Itʼs more when to say yes.
1559Dadʼs taken to emphatically saying “son  a bitch!” as  late. Heʼs
1560also been doing sporadic shaky leg thing. Heʼs got this blue knit hat
1561on today, pulled up so it looks like his head is oblong. He didnʼt join
1562me in eating the Bear Naked granola, instead pushing the squeaky
1563crumb collector back and forth over the table, remarking about his
1564desire to go to the dump.
1565Tomorrow is not just new years, but a super casual wedding Iʼm
1566going to as Johnʼs assistant photographer. If I so choose. Maybe Iʼll
1567have some better plan come up. Okay, Iʼll tell you me and John did
1568have sex. I feel like it isnʼt a huge deal though, more an extension 
1569what we have. He agreed. I didnʼt kiss him though. But i met his cat
1570Felix. Now since Iʼm telling, I talked to Kevin via text because itʼs the
1571holidays and he said his mom has cancer. He said heʼs working and
1572hasnʼt been with anyone since me. No intention  meeting up.
1573My cold lingers.
1574The rain pattered on the garage as me and Ali talked about family,
1575romance, friendship and how you should be able to say anything. I
1576think you should be able to say anything, anytime. She agrees.
1577Meghan and Courtney were out getting high. We previously listened
1578to music, made sock puppets, talked in the basement. I like them.
1579We are all free people.
1580First day  two-thousand-sixteen, seven fifteen AM, I went to sleep relatively early because
1581
1582
1583Iʼd had an eventful day. eight AM yoga, eleven AM wedding photography
1584with John, one PM meeting his friend at Tiger Lily Cafe and two PM finally
1585going into Expressions, telling each other which kind  extravagant
1586dates we wanted to take different girls in the porn on. three to seven PM was a
1587mix  diddling around on the guitar and general diddling around
1588trying to get this guy to come over. seven to nine PM party at Mikeʼs with
1589special guest Kimmie!!!!! We played beer pong. Donʼt think Iʼll do
1590that again. I left early, because I didnʼt want to have a late night
1591being that Iʼm working and all today. At one point yesterday John left
1592to get pizza for his family and I stayed and lay on the futon listening
1593to music. He came back, navigating his way through the dim lights,
1594making his way to the futon as I told him what the song playing was
1595about. I told him I donʼt think I understand yet how these women say
1596they hate their guyʼs behavior but they stay with them anyway. Itʼs
1597all too common. I told him I express my dislike immediately and he
1598said he knew. Heʼs a bit nosy though, always wanting to see what my
1599new text is.
1600At the “wedding” photographs this boy was told to take charge and
1601responded with
1602“but I donʼt know what Iʼm doing”
1603“No one does”
1604I responded
1605Iʼm still sick and was just eating to fill a void. Iʼm also on my period.
1606Iʼm crying for the first time in a long time. Mom called out “Rebecca”
1607very accusatory and is now coming upstairs. She said I was crying
1608unnecessarily because I hadnʼt taken my pill. This morning was so
1609
1610
1611nice with John. I slept over and he made me feel strong and then I
1612came back home and was broken down all over again. I just want to
1613live with John. He blocked Kevin, deleted him just like that. I thought
1614mom would be glad. After being yelled at for an hour I announced I
1615was going for a walk. It was too cold. At least Iʼm not at the meat
1616slicer. My parents think they can force me but they canʼt.
1617Yesterday I was just having a normal day at wild by nature scrubbing
1618food muck for nine hours, waiting on obnoxious people while spending
1619time with my dear coworker who wanted to use me to advance him
1620music “career”. I canʼt stand him. His name is Marsellas and his IQ is
1621extremely low. Mom and Dad are really just upset with their own
1622meaningless lives.
1623eleventh day at the deli counter. Going insane. Even mom noticed Iʼm
1624obsessed with eating because Iʼm not supposed to there. I mean, I
1625still do.
1626Iʼm only in snapchat for John. He sent me one saying “you” with a
1627heart. I replied with a boob shot “what about me?”
1628Myth grade teacher came to the deli today and asked what I was
1629up to, whether I still wrote. When I first saw her I quickly turned
1630around, hoping she hadnʼt seen me. She had.
1631Iʼm at this Air BNB in Austin. Mom left with her friends to go out. She
1632looked in the fridge and said “I donʼt trust the hummus”. As soon as
1633they left I ate it. But good news! The Childrenʼs Museum wants me!
1634The bathtub upstairs looks amazing. Itʼs very peaceful here with just
1635the hum  the building and the city.
1636
1637
1638Weʼve been out exploring all day. I woke up full  joy, in the warmth,
1639surrounded by lushness. We went to a public graffiti wall and I made
1640my contribution. We also went to waterloo records, Book People,
1641and a taco truck. Also Lush, Free People, whole foods, trader joeʼs, a
1642yoga studio, crystal store, outdoor store, printmaking store,
1643Anthropologie, pottery store, and womenʼs art gallery.
1644This guy Dustin picked us up on his bike cart and drove us home,
1645talking about his intuition all the while.
1646Momʼs looking up places to go for music. The Mohawk is our only
1647option. Maybe empire control room. We walked so much. Spending
1648every second with anyone isnʼt my first choice. After lunch mom
1649said I eat in a frenzy.
1650“Is it something you can deal with, put under control?”
1651“I donʼt know”
1652It got me talking about humanʼs fate to be perpetually dissatisfied
1653after a period. I mean, it fluctuates. All jobs seem to be unsatisfying.
1654Marriage too. Fuck, relationships in general and while weʼre at it letʼs
1655tack on travel, education, and entertainment.
1656We spent the day at Momʼs friendʼs art museums. Most noteworthy
1657were the rooms with swirling tunnel vision projections interspersed
1658with film footage  guys from the twenties, black and white movies.
1659Another one had three-dimensional household appliances flying around the room.
1660Tonight weʼre going out to dinner with their handsome son. Ooh! I
1661forgot to mention the best room. It was orange with orange
1662furniture, and a bed you could lay on, and screens everywhere
1663
1664
1665showing footage  a seventies mod group dancing in a house, in a field,
1666glorious!
1667Mom and her friend are going to a speaker tonight. Iʼm pretty tired
1668from last night so Iʼm laying low. I saw Izzy! We went to a vegan
1669place with her friend called Counter Culture and wanted to go to a
1670yoga class but it was cancelled so we saw Sisters instead. We went
1671to great lengths to sneak in food and they didn't even check! There
1672was a sign that said “we check”. Regardless, it was hilarious, and
1673today after going to the wildflower center we visited her at the juicer
1674and went to a strip  vintage stores in an otherwise barren land.
1675Izzy and I went to the capital building and sang opera from its echoy
1676heights. We danced around the empty movie theater and video
1677chatted Ryan. She thought it was funny that I found a cartoon
1678character attractive and told me to go on tinder. So many hot guys
1679here!
1680Iʼm going to the workout teacher Sarahʼs birthday shindig as Danʼs
1681date. Laurenʼs going too. They say do what scares you. Momʼs on
1682my couch shopping for urban outfitters stuff online. Flawless by
1683Beyonce is on. Iʼm just as good, talented, privileged, if not more so
1684than these people. They want me at their thing. Like a Virgin gets
1685skipped. Azalea Banks is next. Despite my confident new self, I still
1686get excited about things like this. Maybe a bit scared. Iʼve been
1687giving Dan the cold shoulder. He texted me saying “I see where your
1688priorities are”. Theyʼre with John. I did tell him. But let me play into
1689this fantasy for a bit, whatʼs the real harm?  course heʼll want to
1690go back and have sex. Iʼm too stoned. I shouldnʼt go. I really
1691shouldnʼt. I was saying that to mom before with a smile. I donʼt want
1692him. I donʼt want him. I donʼt.
1693
1694
1695Last night at Johnʼs a boy was snap chatting videoclips  himself
1696furiously masturbating saying things like you really do have a nice
1697cock, one day I will suck you f. We joked about him showing dick
1698pics back that progressed into my full face. It stopped at the dick
1699pics.
1700If I flake again Iʼd feel bad. I even got dressed up. Iʼm wearing the
1701new stretchy flares.
1702Lemme play you a song. Another. Both Sublime songs. She walks in,
1703I greet, they squabble. We leave. First we pick up Sarah, pretty sure
1704sheʼs twenty-nine now. Dan displays the four joints he rolled in a sleek little silver
1705case that snaps shut. More girls are picked up, we listen to Sublime.
1706Lauren is the DD. We get to the restaurant and Dan buys us wine.
1707More mingling. So glad Jenniferʼs here. We get extremely rowdy,
1708Dan is speaking in tongues.
1709“I don't understand what youʼre saying half the time”
1710“Youʼre telling me now?”
1711On to the next place. We smoke before. Itʼs a fancy bar and Iʼm not
1712allowed. Dan sneaks me in the back. Iʼm escorted out. The next bar
1713is a hole in the wall with a jukebox. Pretty empty. We play darts for a
1714bit, the dart board is right next to the door. Jimmy Fallonʼs there and
1715we dance with him. When itʼs only Sarah, Dan, Lauren, and me we go
1716to smoke the last joint at the top  the Ponquogue bridge. Itʼs cold
1717and weʼre the only ones out. We hear a splash and look down to see
1718a seal lying on its back looking at us, flippers wiggling. More show
1719up! They do flips. When we get back to their house I try to leave and
1720he says
1721
1722
1723“No, Laurenʼs been staying in Riverhead”
1724I thank him for a lovely evening and walk to the car
1725“You make no sense, why not?”
1726I sing Love Ridden the short ride home.
1727So many texts and snapchats from John. A good amount. I was
1728willing to drive in the snow to him but he said not to. Iʼve probably
1729looked at Jenʼs snap  last night an average  once every half hour.
1730I like the part when Dan puts his hat on me. I like the thought  him
1731saying “I wonʼt let you go” as I close the car door on him. With a
1732smile  course. Space Song by Beach House is on. He invited me
1733over to “watch star wars”.
1734I spoke to Jeannie for a while. She said how I should come to Scottʼs
1735Mary Poppins performance.
1736You want me to be happy
1737donʼt think thatʼs even your goal
1738want me to be happy
1739better leave me alone
1740I blocked and deleted him. Finally, John and I said I love you to each
1741other. I do. We spoke in very broad abstract terms about whether
1742action is a matter  should or want and I said neither. He agreed. I
1743looked through my screenshots  last nightʼs fateful chat. After all I
1744did for you, he said. A newfound peace come over me that I donʼt
1745
1746
1747think he could know the meaning .
1748Last night was amazing. We went to an open mic at this place the
1749Little Nook. He read poetry, I sang with Meghan. First day  classes.
1750Jimmy Jordan made an appearance.
1751CMEE is such a lovely place, the childrenʼs museum with the air vault
1752and the balls you can put on it to make them hover. A big stormʼs
1753coming so John and I wonʼt be going to cosm. After checking the
1754website, still not really sure what goes on there. Mom keeps popping
1755in, commenting about my textbook acquisition.
1756I want to smoke. Meghanʼs taking a break though and I support her
1757in that. At the gym with Naomi I saw a guy from high school I played
1758along with for a bit, it seems not much has changed with me since
1759then.
1760I thought the book Bad Sex was good, but Mom showed me reviews
1761for the author and they were all terrible. Big Magic is supposed to be
1762good, creatively inspiring. I still have that magnet (Yay Magic!) on my
1763fridge. I got it for Dan.
1764Talking to Meghan today:
1765“I really really thought he was Jesus at first.” It was easier to love
1766him then. It was after Kevin, he had a way about him. thereʼs still a
1767tiny corner  the Dan Bailey Tribe sticker on my car. His stupid song
1768Nothing to Prove is stuck in my head. I need a little put-me-down.
1769Today at Meghanʼs, Ali and I were listening to her read an article
1770about how Christmas was based on a mushroom trip. I then read
1771
1772
1773them a few random eroded reports to shift the focus from my much
1774more colorful sexual history. Sex with John is giggly and friendly.
1775Yeah, friendly is a good word to describe it. Iʼve had a lot  different
1776kinds  sex but this is my first friendly lover.
1777Tomorrow Iʼm planning on getting snowed in with him. Weʼve had so
1778little time together with work and school but we fit in a few minutes
1779on campus. I really wanted him to come into the library so we could
1780kiss between the bookshelves but thatʼs one  those things you
1781canʼt plan really. I met him outside the library puffing on his cig
1782tilting it up in this funny way he does. We leaned against the
1783concrete and made comments on the people passing by. When it
1784came time to say goodbye he pulled by backpack straps to bring me
1785closer. I could kiss him forever. His ruddy lower lip sticks out
1786defiantly and his complexion turns a similar shade when he blushes.
1787In English I was practically falling asleep despite my sugar bear
1788teacher.
1789Kiss me between the bookcases
1790I donʼt care if thereʼs no time
1791Kiss me between the bookcases until we could be in any library in
1792any college and the quiet snickers  the Timberland and pajama
1793clad boys could be those  boys  suede and corduroy
1794I haven't been looking at the time. I really should go.
1795In my dream the room is bright, open, windows open. We barely
1796notice until I see a face in the window, then another. Looks 
1797disapproval. Still, Iʼm tempted to go over there now. He satisfies me.
1798
1799
1800He satisfies me. He satisfies me. I control the relationship.
1801If you eat more than two slices  cheesecake, youʼve given up. I also
1802watched a lot  porn and smoked a lot  weed so now you know.
1803And I love him, I do. Absence doesn't make the heart grow fonder, it
1804makes you forget how fond you felt in the first place. You think
1805maybe the absence is for a reason. And then you see him in the
1806midst  students in the hallway. You see him before he sees you
1807and in that moment youʼre seeing him as if he were a stranger and
1808you are completely detached. Youʼre struck by how you have no idea
1809what heʼs thinking about. But then his face lights up in recognition
1810and all the feelings come back more quickly than they had gone. You
1811donʼt have to say “look at me!” because you have his full attention.
1812Maybe you can make each other better.
1813I read somewhere that depressed people see the world as it is and
1814the rest  us are just deluding ourselves. If so, then what about
1815addictions? After any hunger is sated, isn't it only a matter  time
1816before the desire pulls at you again? No, Iʼm good, I really shouldnʼt.
1817Absolutely not. But maybe.
1818Dad was staring out the window. I was curious and said
1819“What are you looking at? The tree?”
1820“Behind the tree.”
1821“The house?”
1822“Life beyond this family.”
1823
1824
1825I went into a classroom with John and told him to close the door.
1826“No, stop, stop, Rebecca!”
1827“Oh whereʼs your sense  adventure?” I wrap myself around him as
1828an old woman comes in.
1829“Oh, sorry to interrupt!”
1830I tell her she isn't interrupting at all and that weʼre just doing some
1831research. I say it with a straight face.
1832“Is that what you kids are calling it these days?”
1833Weʼre going to have a farm together, it will be an hour away from
1834New Paltz so sometimes we could go into town if we wanted. But we
1835would have everything we really needed at the farm. I always knew
1836Iʼd be a farmerʼs wife.
1837Mom took me to a play about the lengths people go to save a
1838friendship. Sometimes I think about going to great lengths, but think
1839better  it.
1840“Youʼre Rebecca right?”
1841“Sorry I donʼt remember your name.”
1842“You always used to come into class looking so ripped! Like (stoned
1843impression)”
1844“Iʼve really cut back. What was that class the eight am?”
1845“Middle  the day.”
1846
1847
1848Later John said “I hate guys like that.”
1849“Like what?”
1850“Short, that outfit, that haircut” (note they are same height and
1851have similar outfits on)
1852As we walked away, he took my arm more forcefully than usual.
1853I canʼt sleep. Been watching The Affair season one. Makes me miss
1854Dan. One standout quote was “Do you ever do things and you donʼt
1855know why?”
1856“I donʼt know why I do anything”
1857In the book Big Magic, it is argued to create for your own sanity, that
1858if youʼre not creating youʼre destroying. That dichotomy! Dichotomy!
1859Thatʼs the word I wanted to use before when a guy was saying that
1860girls are either wife material or not.
1861Iʼm chasing that feeling, perhaps,  when the words came out  me
1862like water. Gushing, I would only realize my arm was aching a  in
1863and Iʼd dismiss it as less important than my stream 
1864consciousness.
1865I danced tonight to Nancy Atlas at Bay Street. Still got it.
1866Desperate not to be defined by the men in my life, I have chosen a
1867different path. I will make specific plans and not show. A flake, a
1868tease, I call it respecting yourself. These men clearly don't respect
1869themselves enough, willingly dropping all plans for a stranger.
1870Giving them just enough hope to keep them going. Iʼm sure it
1871
1872
1873happens all the time and it gives me something to smirk about when
1874staring blankly into the distance. It all makes perfect sense to me. Is
1875it wrong that Iʼd rather be sharing creativity laughing my head f
1876with sweet, sensitive individuals than doing charity work for men
1877with no lives  their own?
1878After the reiki circle with Meghan she said a psychic once told her
1879she should break up with her boyfriend because sheʼs more
1880spiritually advanced. She doesnʼt want to believe it. She wants to
1881create, but her inspiration is lagging. She thinks seeing Steve the
1882Shaman would help. I think travel would help. She does this really
1883cute thing where she will be facing another direction and if
1884something strikes her as funny, sheʼll turn around and make an oh
1885my god face.
1886“Art always has something  the unconscious about it.”- D.T. Suzuki
1887“Your basic adequacy is not won or done. It is not because you have
1888a good job/relationship… you are adequate to life because you are
1889life.”- Zen and the art  making a living
1890“I donʼt want what youʼre selling”- Naomi after I walked into her
1891room with a turban
1892John has taken to putting patches  patterned fabric on a jacket
1893with a cat badge and another badge that says “life member”. He is a
1894mature man who sometimes throws chicken nuggets. At first I
1895exclaimed “a chicken gave its life for that!” but then I came around
1896and threw one as well.
1897Mom just lectured me about how it seems like I donʼt care about my
1898
1899
1900life. Dadʼs been smoking more weed too. He says its because people
1901at work said he was a disappointment. That would make me want to
1902smoke excessively as well. Iʼm sick, all stuffed up and headachy.
1903Still, I made Naomi a feather braided hanging. It took me most  the
1904day.
1905Meghanʼs boyfriend is choosing not to get snowed in with her. If I
1906were him Iʼd choose her. Iʼd encourage her. According to mom weʼre
1907both waiting for someone to say “do it!”
1908Do it!
1909I told John to give me a name  a porn
1910“volleyball player and ref”
1911I followed with
1912“Never seen a backhand like that in my whole career”
1913Well thanks, no oneʼs ever said something so kind. I donʼt get it. Iʼm
1914pretty sure Iʼm just awesome”
1915“you seem spectacular in my opinion”
1916“Like go to the Moma and get frozen hot chocolate spectacular?
1917“Donʼt push it. Wanna help me put away these balls?”
1918“Definitely”
1919cut to: subpar blowjob with excessive encouragement
1920
1921
1922This weekendʼs valentines. itʼs never meant anything to me. I want it
1923to. I just spoke to John, he said he danced at work and fears he may
1924be becoming too comfortable.
1925Naomiʼs going on a cruise and is modeling for LF instagram. If you
1926remember I threw a chicken nugget the other day.
1927Last night I dreamed Kevin called me and I couldn't tell what he was
1928saying.
1929For some reason I was just reminded  this man I spotted at
1930Friendly last year. He must have been around fourty, his two friends
1931were with him but he was the most silver fox-ish. I was just hanging
1932in hammock village with this smile on my face staring at him. When I
1933got him alone I put flowers in his hair.
1934“If youʼre trying to seduce me youʼve succeeded.”
1935“Um… I donʼt know.”
1936I just got back from visiting Juliana. I love her, how her face spreads
1937into a smile when she sees you, and it doesnʼt fade. Her mom was
1938recalling the glory days, aiming each song like it was exciting to her.
1939Julianaʼs boyfriend doesnʼt agree with her Shaman loving ways.
1940I will call Jeannie tomorrow, been putting it f. Sheʼll understand.
1941I had the most wild dream last night. I was on campus and an
1942attractive guy with blond hair approached me. Not Dan Bailey. But
1943he did say “welcome to the tribe”. He led me to his place 
1944residence where there were protesters directly outside. Girls. they
1945
1946
1947also made a play about their displeasure. I asked him what his
1948interests were, what he liked to do. He said I dunno, I just am.
1949I went with Meghan to Quogue Libraryʼs Burning Man talk. Everyone
1950was sixtyfive and older. I was so inspired I sewed sequins to denim for
1951hours afterward. In addition, I created a Facebook  Festivus at
1952the Graneyʼs. I invited twenty people who like me to some extent.
1953Todayʼs Valentineʼs day! In honor  our relationship, I made a batch
1954 vegan cookies and a dish that John also refused to eat. He gave
1955me a bracelet that broke and a shitty cow mug among other things.
1956I dreamt last night there was a human in an animal cage. She had a
1957wax replica that came with a wardrobe  historic apparel. My tour
1958group was dancing around, despite being surrounded by animals in
1959cages and the elephant in the room, a girl. Maybe Iʼve been
1960volunteering at the wildlife center too much, the stuffed animals, the
1961live ones in their cages. Force feeding the geckos and amphibians,
1962pushing the squirming crickets in their faces till they open. Maybe I
1963shouldn't read Kurt Vonnegut before bed. Maybe. Maybe we should
1964all put umbrellas on our bikes and ride them around like that. Maybe
1965we remember things because theyʼre trying to tell us something.
1966Weʼve all been there. I haven't been there. Iʼve definitely never been
1967there. Yeah but like you know weʼve all been there.
1968Okay.
1969And I miss you, I miss you, I want you, I want you. But itʼs not that
1970easy. Love isnʼt enough. There are troublesome people who come
1971into the picture. They matter too. Lanaʼs Freak video came out. It
1972brought back wide eyed stumbling summer. It brought back that
1973
1974
1975innocence I long for. But listen. I know the secret. We can rediscover
1976it. Just think how many truths have been rediscovered in all  time.
1977We forget and then we remember. We can go back. But can we really
1978go back? Bad to when everything was so hazy we mistook it for
1979clarity. I do what I want and yet I am sad. I sense it in him too,
1980something held back. Lauren Grf says what holds relationships
1981together arenʼt the truths but the secrets. Ooh the less I know the
1982better.
1983In art my teacher was wearing a turban but took it f due to
1984complaints.
1985Dad was so stoned before, just sitting next to him on the couch.
1986Maybe he wasnʼt even on that couch but in another dimension. He
1987still contributes to conversations in this dimension though,
1988sometimes even being the voice  reason. Mom was harassing me
1989today about how I donʼt wake myself up, I donʼt wash up, I donʼt
1990care, I donʼt clean up after myself or care about my appearance. I
1991do, though, and Iʼm keeping up with my schoolwork.
1992Next year is approaching. I know Iʼll have to do a lot more for myself.
1993I distract myself with making a patchwork vest and thinking about
1994festivals.
1995As soon as I came home, I ran upstairs threw f my pants and
1996grabbed my vibe to end the self imposed torture  his music. As
1997soon as one song was over I eagerly flipped to the next. I drive by his
1998house every day. Their house. Sometimes I fantasize about showing
1999up to some club in Montauk and having him be so bothered he
2000fumbles through his set.
2001
2002
2003I want to go to New Paltz. I want out. I miss being free. I am free.
2004Heʼs all I ever knew  an equal partnership. This is how real people
2005live.  course it wouldnʼt last. I cut up all the nice fabric he gave me
2006and desperately tried to stitch it back together. Can you talk? He
2007makes some pathetic excuse about how heʼs buying shorts. I wonʼt
2008come crawling back to him after this. Not even a goodbye. In
2009hindsight sex seemed like a chore for him. A means to an okay thatʼs
2010done with. I remember that one day we were lying on the grassy hill
2011and he said how getting to know someone isnʼt a means to having
2012sex with them. For a while it was good. Part  me is one hundred percent done and
2013part  me would take him back in a second. Can someone change
2014that fast? Maybe it was gradual and i was oblivious. Fuck, Iʼm so
2015high. Iʼve got plenty  other options. Not that I should be jumping
2016into anything because thatʼs what I've been doing. Roz said “did you
2017tell him how you feel?” The thing is Iʼm pretty sure he doesnʼt care.
2018Him: hey
2019Me: Hey
2020Him:
2021efbiwuhfewibfuyeqrhiencfuyregbfuywfuiwhefiuhdkewhiufewhfwe
2022fiewjijewiemkwnfiewncnewoicjwefioejfoierjfioejifojewfeifueriywf
2023xnrehfuyrehfuiehfkwejhnxbgfyegfvcyeufnejhgbfyeqgbhvgyhujsgysj
2024hbcgyeuhwsjeytfghvjqywegwhjhfuyghjbjwfebhjnwefjhds
2025Me: I feel like things have changed between us
2026Him: blah blah blah friendship blah blah.
2027
2028
2029Me: likewise
2030Yesterday Mom and I went into the city for Dr. Neil and saw
2031Blackbird on Broadway. V. intense. It was about how people donʼt fall
2032out  love. These lovers were doomed, but they never stopped.
2033Loving that is. I made a glitter sign that says LOVE. Iʼve been going
2034to yoga more. Next weekend, New Paltz. Oh! I had an incident before
2035the show. We were in Times Square when I started to feel panicky.
2036Mom said Midol and cfee would help. I felt like I couldn't stand. I
2037was getting these sharp shooting cramps and then I felt numb and
2038tingly and my throat was closing. It all broke as the lights were going
2039down and then I was nothing but enthralled. The ride how I told mom
2040things I never intended she know. I really should do my English.
2041I love Early Childhood Ed. Itʼs like you create you own utopia, music,
2042dancing, art, playing. Iʼm listening to Tame Impala, Mind Mischief.
2043Dadʼs down to see them with me. We went for an evening bike ride
2044to this decrepit house.
2045Itʼs too soon to jump into something but I feel Iʼve already jumped.
2046Down the rabbit hole  men, always falling. At least I take the time
2047to look around as I fall, thereʼs all kinds  curious things to see.
2048Meghan said we could meet at the park. Momʼs gone to a funeral in
2049Boston and Iʼm lying on my couch, the sun beating on my forehead.
2050 course I always have school work. I canʼt tonight. Iʼm not that
2051crazy, Iʼm not that kind  girl.
2052He knows exactly what kind  girl I am.
2053Girls and Broad City are back! Today I got to CMEE a half hour early
2054
2055
2056so I just kept on driving right into Sag Harbor. I passed the daycare
2057center, the pond, the house Andrew stayed in and made a U at the
2058end  the road and made my way back to the internship to make
2059lego centerpieces. Everyone liked my pants. They're my fancy pants,
2060I replied.
2061I lay in the grass talking to Meghan for a while before Joe showed.
2062We always laugh.
2063First day  school, cutting art. So free. I went into the library and
2064found a cartoon book by Aline Kominsky and Robert Crumbʼs
2065daughter.
2066Naomi tried to show me the joys  the Jenner App over an avocado
2067tuna orb but I couldn't see the appeal.
2068In my dream John was being a terror so I took him to get candy and
2069he calmed down. A voicemail came from Unknown.
2070“Itʼs raining. Itʼs pouring. The old man is snoring. Just wanted to
2071reach out and touch someone.” Muffled noises. Something like “talk
2072to you later babe.”
2073I canʼt shake his voice. It always sounded haunted, but now he is a
2074ghost. What would he have said if I picked up? What could there
2075possibly be to say? Just a social call, friendly check in.
2076Why guys think they can just disappear for a year or so and then pop
2077in has yet t make sense.
2078The girls I babysit told me a multiple hour story about mermaids. We
2079
2080
2081also played American Girls. I wish I could get lost in the game like
2082they do. I did, but only a bit. Tessa is so free. Paulotta talks until
2083sheʼs blue.
2084At yoga it was all about slowing down. All  our minds are racing. In
2085my dream everyone was trapped in a moment and couldn't stand it. I
2086casually pointed out the lovely whirligigs.
2087Late at night, in the car, I cried. About why we canʼt all just get
2088along. I told a guy Iʼd meet him at the park, I should be going. Heʼs
2089not the one but he doesnʼt have to be.
2090I listened to Fiona Apple on blast the ride home from school. I got
2091the CD with Kevin. We went to this huge thrift store right f the
2092highway. When we made our purchases and got back to the car he
2093looked inside the CDs and found some  his empty. He threw a fit
2094and stormed back in. I waited in the car forever. Finally I couldn't
2095stand it anymore and went back in. The cashiers looked at me like
2096“Is this guy for real?” They threatened to call the police and that
2097really set him f. I tried my best to calm him down and usher him
2098out.
2099We met at the Hamptons Yoga Fest. I spotted him from across the
2100field, near a canopied circle  bongos. We made eye contact and I
2101was pulled toward him. He had this genuine smile. We
2102communicated mainly nonverbally.
2103“I just came for the juice”- great opening line from me
2104“What juice? Oh that kind, where is he?”
2105
2106
2107I pointed to the old man brushing people down with feathers.
2108“So whatʼs your week look like?”
2109“Whatʼs my weakness?”
2110“Youʼre my weakness”
2111Hahaha you're so funny letʼs entangle our limbs. Oh, Kevin, we were
2112just tossing out a spider.
2113In class I told a girl that I want to call him sometimes. She said donʼt.
2114Iʼm on a long single streak. Long for me.
2115Iʼve been on an occasional weed streak. Itʼs not because  Broad
2116City. Iʼm still open to a relationship, but Iʼm trying not to rush,
2117rebound, be too hasty. My English teacher fantasies are fine for now.
2118Tonightʼs the Dead Tribute concert! Gonna dance with Meghan and
2119all the folks.
2120Naomi opened up my weed drawer and said “it reeks”. Reeks. Okay
2121maybe this is the weed talking but I feel like I should smoke more.
2122Meghan and my song
2123I know that you're not who you say you are
2124come with me and iʼll take you far
2125itʼs a new deja vu that haunts you
2126but it don't even come true
2127
2128
2129I wore my patchwork vest to the concert. We “volunteered” for the three
2130hours and took some breaks to smoke. Our history  rock and roll
2131teacher was there with his wife!
2132There is a book called The golden Condom. Thatʼs all.
2133Naomiʼs been talking on the phone for hours. She came down to
2134dinner feeling loose, enthusiastically stirring the pesto, making
2135sounds, talking about her business idea “nom nom guac”. Dad was
2136zoning.
2137As soon as everyone left this morning, I turned on the radio. Alive
2138Again by Coldplay. I feel at peace. Everyone else in the household
2139may not but soon I will be done living with them for the most part.
2140Dad came into the kitchen in a tizzy and Mom told me to stay out 
2141Naomiʼs way. I casually asked Dad if he was doing computer work
2142and he replied defensively saying “so you can eat, so you can drive,
2143so you can do everything”.
2144Mom encouraged me to go to school early, so I did. When I got there
2145I parked in the usual spot, and as I stepped out a car was waiting like
2146I was going to leave and they could take the spot.
2147“Iʼm staying”
2148“Babe, itʼs me (removes sunglasses) Kevin”
2149“What are you doing here?” (I know what heʼs doing here)
2150“Looking for you  course”
2151He steps out  the car but doesn't come closer. His hair was slicked
2152
2153
2154across his forehead in an ugly way.
2155“I know you need to go to class. Just wanted to say I found this
2156great spot in Port Jeff”
2157“Well do you have a picture?”
2158He bends over his car to scroll through the pictures and I get a peek
2159 his spongebob undies. I look at the scenic picture and then flip to
2160the previous one which is  spongebob.
2161“You connect to this on an emotional level?”
2162“Are you mad at me?”
2163“Are you mad at yourself?”
2164His breath smelled foul.
2165“Donʼt tell your mom, itʼs such a miracle I found you at all, you must
2166think Iʼm crazier than ever.”
2167I mumbled something bout how everything a miracle.
2168As he drove away he called out “Have a nice rest  your
2169dayyyyyyy!” all sing song like
2170I continued to be flustered as I talked to a guy at the vending
2171machine.
2172“What class are you guys in?”
2173“MWOP MWOP fewhifhojiqidqwjjdwqio”
2174
2175
2176“Oh cool, Iʼm in education, for little kids. Not like Iʼm learning with a
2177bunch  children in a college class. That would be strange. You
2178know what I mean.
2179Dad and I are going skiing this weekend! He says it canʼt come fast
2180enough. Naomi and mom are yelling.
2181Can you just stop?
2182Can you JUST stop?
2183Can you just STOP!
2184Iʼm nearly packed. John texted today asking to meet up in the
2185courtyard. It was sunny and I was wearing my circle sunglasses. He
2186wanted to tell me about his love interest Gracie. I took f my shoes
2187and ate a sandwich. I wanted to sit up on the brick wall to talk to
2188some funky folks so he picked me up. The funk followed me to math
2189class in the form  my chalk drawing.
2190Iʼm back from skiing! All in all great weekend, sunny and skied a ton.
2191The Londonderry Innkeepers are ready to give me the inn. For the
2192ride, mom left Hunger makes me a Modern Girl and Dan Bailey Tribe.
2193Dad couldnʼt take much  either.
2194This guy at CMEE has a great way about him. His laugh just makes
2195you want to join him and he always says “nice to see you”.
2196In my dream Dan Bailey was cooking something. I told him not to but
2197he told me it was just a casual meal and then proceeded to throw in
2198every strange thing he could fine. Just throw in anything he said. I
2199
2200
2201woke up to a message from him informing me that we could do it in
2202his car. What a proposition.
2203In English this annoying guy was asking me what happens when
2204your beloved dies and then you fall in love again. Who do you spend
2205the rest  your time in heaven with? I said both and he said it
2206doesn't work like that and I protested saying how does it work then
2207until he walked out  the class. The class had finished, but still.
2208I walked the neighborʼs dog with dad. He said he feels like a dog
2209sometimes. How so? I said after a long pause.
2210“Not enough is accomplished. Week after week, month after month,
2211thereʼs just too much going on.”
2212My therapist said I should write a book.
2213Okay.
2214Youʼre not like most people, you know.
2215Okay.
2216We met up. He drove to my house and I came out. He said he doesnʼt
2217want it to be just a sex thing. He said heʼs going to Bali for a month.
2218He said he had to drop f his friend Spencer at the airport. The next
2219day I asked how Spencer was via text. He was very suspicious 
2220this. I asked him if he was upset and he relied “Iʼm good”. Tomorrow
2221I leave for a week in Vermont.
2222Okay. I canʼt hold it in any longer. Iʼve been in touch with Kevin. Heʼs
2223been working, applying for a big boy job. He seems a lot less creepy.
2224
2225
2226Some time alone does a person good. Itʼs more than that he's less
2227creepy. Heʼs attentive, caring, wild, passionate. Incredibly
2228passionate and it canʼt help but stir me. “Light the motherfucker on
2229fire!” comes from the TV. Anti Trump rallies.
2230Just introduced Jeannie and Scott tot the movie Across the
2231Universe. So inspired. To I've fully, be fully. Before that I thought it
2232would be a good idea to watch the feature length pirates porn
2233because it looked good in the ads. There was a second one so we
2234figured we might as well watch that too. Mom called sometime after
2235and vented about Naomi not respecting her and how there seem to
2236be contingencies to her respect other than human decency. Maybe
2237she forgets I was nearly the same. Mom also said I could stay with
2238Paulette and Tessa for a day or two in the New Paltz area!
2239I keep thinking  when I first found out what an orgasm was and i
2240asked mom what it felt like. She said “you go to outer space”.
2241Roz realizes she may have overextended her welcome at the
2242communal house but while she was gone I had a great time with
2243Ryan. After trying his bed (which his friend was sleeping on), and
2244the shower (the height difference made it hard), the bathroom floor
2245was the only reasonable place. I also got to know Will (the sleeping
2246one) a bit. He told me  his time at an arts community near San
2247Fran. Ryanʼs post-orgasm words were “well that had been a long
2248time coming”.
2249Weʼre staying somewhere near Woodstock. Palenville I think. The
2250DiChiaras met me yesterday at camp wild earth. The girls sang
2251songs, made fairy houses, medicine packets, went hiking.
2252
2253
2254TJ says Iʼm so much better than Zakiah. She “canʼt feel anything
2255down there”. She freaked out that he didn't text her back in our fourtyfive
2256minutes  bliss but he responded immediately after, I love you.
2257When he left in the morning for work, I took some mushrooms.
2258Iʼm going to my first ever integral salon!! The theme is “I am what”.
2259Tomorrow is an event at Velvet Lounge so I will see John there.
2260Carlos got some weed f me. My head hurts, possibly due to the
2261mushrooms. I still want to go to the salon though.
2262I went and it was amazing. I love everyone there, so curious, so
2263passionate, so thoughtful. Juliana didnʼt make it but I had enough
2264seekers to talk to. Truly a meeting  the minds. Carlos and his lovely
2265friend David thoroughly enjoyed it as well.
2266I should be at math extra help but Iʼd really rather just listen to music
2267or read. Seems I never have time like this anymore. This morning
2268Roz called me on “a bad acid trip”. I talked her through it. Her main
2269problem was that the guy she was with overextended his welcome.
2270Sounds familiar.
2271Iʼm going to New Paltz with mom and dad to check out an
2272apartment! I still need to audition roommates though. The girl and
2273her apartment are awesome. She has a sign that says “trash house”.
2274Itʼs millennial humor. She also has a trash cat and trash rats and
2275considers herself the trash lady. We went to Karma Road after
2276touring the place and on the way I saw a turbaned man pushing a
2277stroller. She said thatʼs not a normal occurrence but I know it is.
2278“I am a miracle, made up  particles”- Nahko and also Ryan
2279
2280
2281Naomi has a problem with “how I talk to snapchat”. I donʼt have a
2282problem with it. Iʼm talking to my friends and they love it. Listen, Iʼm
2283not the one getting walked in on stroking her shoes when she thinks
2284no one is watching.
2285Meghan and Ali want to borrow my bongos. Iʼm just trying to be.
2286Theyʼre dying to travel with me. I tried to explain the Jeanie/Scott
2287sitch. Not sure I even get it. We also made a joke post to New Paltz
2288Barter Community “half smoked doobie, Iʼm quitting weed.” The
2289post got over a hundred likes which is unheard . Mom and dad
2290made me take it down. They werenʼt supposed to see it.
2291It was raining when I left for Vermont. Mom said “want to change
2292your mind?” Despite everything, no. Itʼs going to be dangerously
2293slippery! She still tries to guilt me into thinking I ruin perfectly good
2294relationships. I am unsmoteable.
2295Iʼm alone at Jeanieʼs house. I left her to smoke joints and listen to
2296jam bands at the communal house and watching the sunset. Last
2297night I didnʼt sleep so much, mainly because I was in a rainbow van
2298with a hot smart man named Ryan. We had the best kind of sex, very
2299energetic and Iʼm dying for more. I was insatiable so we fucked
2300times. He commented on my shaking like dude thatʼs what an
2301orgasm looks like. He gave me a ton  books. Heʼs writing one
2302himself and says the main girl is a bit like me. He kept calling me a
2303hippie. Like Iʼm not the one with a rainbow van in this conversation.
2304He had brown shoulder length hair and a lovely beard. His eyes were
2305smart and he was tall. Heʼs gonna be a doctor. After Mary Poppins I
2306met him down by the water in lieu  the after gala. His smile was
2307mischievous and he moved like a free person. His nose is a bit
2308
2309
2310crooked but it gives him an edge. The gang thinks I may turn punk
2311now that Iʼm moving to New Paltz. I said “Oh no, what do I do?” more
2312color. More rainbows.
2313Iʼm getting the housemate thing! Iʼve got two definite and weʼll be
2314living in a share house. And now a message from our friend Ryan:
2315Beautiful girl, in my mind, close my eyes so I can find, you spinning
2316grinning, winning my heart, the part  me that wishes to be free, is
2317something that I see in thee, filled with glee, your smile beckons and
2318I want to give you so much Respect, and, ride f into the sunset
2319with unsaid words, written in colors, while we touch and feel each
2320otherʼs reeling wonder build and thunder! (okay I admit that last one
2321was a bit much)
2322Ever looking forward to the next time I see you, until then youʼre on
2323my mind.
2324Me now:
2325Luminary man with a van, donʼt know when Iʼll see you again, with
2326words so kind you transcend time, honored to walk with a man so
2327fine. Luminary man you are more than your van, you are your
2328knowing eyes, your curiosity, playfulness, what you do with your
2329hands.
2330Ryan:
2331Well I keep looking for chances to prance south, romance with you,
2332and maybe rendezvous somewhere in-between? Maybe find some
2333sweet mountains to climb, look out over the wonderful world, maybe
2334
2335
2336find some music?
2337My birthdayʼs in less than an hour. twenty. Just got back from The Roast
2338with Meghan and Ali and another girl. She said “is rainbow van man
2339an actual person or is he a concept? Do you just walk into the woods
2340an befriend anyone you come across?” I talked to an aspiring
2341comedian until he mentioned he was a Trump supporter. I should
2342have stopped talking to him when he took out the two hard boiled
2343eggs from his pocket.
2344Roz called about her UTI. I walked Copper and wrote my english
2345essay on Langston Hughes. Tomorrow weʼre going into the city for
2346Tuck Everlasting and dinner.
2347Naomi got me two buddhas, yoga apparel, and a cool looking cat
2348card for my birthday. Tuck was amazing! So much magic, potential
2349energy, eighteenhundreds attire, dancing! Walking back to the car from the
2350theater, all the lights, I donʼt know how anyone couldn't be
2351exuberant! And it is exuberant! Ryan says “Oh I wish to give you so
2352much more, go have such a beautiful day. Play this world to your
2353heart's content and lament at all the beauty you cast before you.
2354Rebecca you are beautiful and wonderful and I adore you. Oh let's
2355sleep sweet, and then drift neat to the next adventure, potentiation
2356setting the creation before us. Just adore us, wanna ignore but
2357implore this; and contour good faith to tomorrow, my speaker set on
2358high, my time stay borrowed.”
2359I dreamt about windows, opening, people crawling through. I dreamt
2360 a small familiar town where I go down one street and suddenly
2361everything is strange.
2362
2363
2364Is it wrong that I love passionate conversation with new people every
2365day? Is it wrong I do it through Tinder? The guy from the open mic
2366called me this evening. Heʼs obsessed with me and I need to block
2367him but I canʼt bring myself to do it. Itʼs a drug, the attention, the
2368knowledge that you may be driving more than five guys to the brink 
2369insanity. Well, their sanity is in question from the start, but i
2370definitely give them something to obsess over. Oh, lust! Oh my god
2371Iʼm turning into someone who says that.
2372I returned from my brief New Paltz gig. Jo seems great, Daisy also
2373great. Daisy said sheʼs mostly into being motherly but sheʼs into
2374other stuff too. I saw Ryan for a bit and being with him made me so
2375giddy I couldn't stop laughing.
2376Iʼve been looking at GIFs for the past hour. I was in the matrix there
2377and had to extricate myself. Dad and I planted stuff today and our
2378next door neighbors walked by like “oh my god are you guys for
2379real? stop it! too cute”. Then the Bernie people came. We basically
2380just said, yeah heʼs the best option. The planting made me a bit
2381sweaty so I took a bath while reading Electric Kool Aid acid test.
2382When I came downstairs it was quiet, though mom and dad were in
2383the kitchen. He broke the silence by saying “I wonder what the year
2384three-thousand will be like”. Mom had no comment but I tried to make
2385reference to the Jonas Brothers song.
2386Iʼm stressed out because I feel I canʼt do everything I want to. Mom
2387has beef with me and my bowel movements have been horrible as 
2388late. Today at CMEE I took a stuffed animal pig and bunny and gave
2389them some loving like my life depended on it.
2390
2391
2392Itʼs the full moon. Normally I wouldnʼt know that but the woman from
2393Wild Earth and I have an interview for the camp.
2394There was a suspicious umbrella I was hiding in plain sight She
2395didnʼt question me. I love her.
2396We all went to Boston for Seder. Walking around Cambridge was
2397wild. Street performers everywhere, trap music coming from
2398student housing. So many hot guys, mom couldn't handle my
2399staring. At the seder a mattress was placed on top  me in a dark
2400room I was trying to sleep in. The children.
2401I finally told mom. Everything. Kevinʼs been harassing me disguised
2402as love. I blocked him. Something tells me this is only the beginning.
2403Ryan was very sympathetic, mom knows about him too. We stayed
2404at an Air BnB called “The Poolhouse on Schoolhouse”. A wood cabin
2405with a roaring fire, spacious floors to spin around on, lots 
2406orgasms to be had. He made a lovely dinner for us, going the extra
2407mile in every way. He left early for work and I went back to sleep,
2408only to wake up unsure if Iʼd missed my interview. I made it, and if I
2409do say so myself I made quite the impression. I was still feeling a
2410touch  SASS energy. She fered me tea and I pursued the book
2411collection. She hit me with some hypotheticals which I gracefully
2412handled.
2413Havenʼt slept through the night lately. Iʼm okay with it though. I read,
2414I think, I like what I read and think. Yesterday around eight pm Meghan
2415and I headed over to Greenport hoping to get into Dreaming Buddha.
2416It was closed, but the vintage store was open. The owner saw
2417something in me, saying to Meghan “your friend here…” I settled on
2418
2419
2420a fringed white silk shawl with intricately embroidered rainbow
2421flowers, and a shirt for a hip man (in his words).
2422Mom came with me to school. He knew better than to come. Itʼs my
2423last week. Yesterday I watched Good Luck Charlie episodes with
2424Paulette and Tessa. They also sang Edelweiss and Passover songs,
2425Tessa proclaiming that she got drunk at Passover. I shadowed her
2426second grade class today. There was a mother's day plant sale and she
2427got probably eight plants. I got two zinnias. I love zinnias.
2428Last night was wild. We went to this bar OʼBriens and danced like
2429nutjobs. Meghan drove us. We talked to some guys and smoked with
2430them, namely a guy named Matt who was v cute. Joe arrived “just in
2431time” to hop in. I did some acid mainly because TJ was there and he
2432fered it. I felt really tuned in, dancing f  what others were
2433communicating through their moves. When the boys started vaping
2434and laughing at themselves in such an annoying way, I started acting
2435just like them and they couldn't handle it. On the ride home we
2436talked about letting certain people go, feeling their pain and then
2437releasing it. Ryan and I have been trading sex stories. It fires me up
2438in a way beyond certain logic.
2439Tomorrowʼs my last Suffolk class FOREVER! I spent the day at
2440school, people watching, visiting the greenhouse, prepping for my
2441math final. Then I have another interview for a different camp in New
2442Paltz. Momʼs making me go to therapy in person with her.
2443My last time sitting on the hill at school, Iʼm talking to Mom on the
2444phone and a call from John comes in. I try him back and when he
2445doesn't pick up I assume it was a butt dial or whatever. Soon, heʼs
2446
2447
2448walking up the hill, a hat with an embroidered teapot on his red
2449head, carrying a giant chocolate easter bunny. We greet each other
2450warmly and discuss our future plans, his including the peace corps if
2451he can be believed. He mentioned that he was vegan but then
2452someone in his vegan support group online made a bad case on the
2453ethics front. This is a thinly veiled excuse for wishing to return to his
2454pizza and bagels lifestyle. Still, I grooved on that, calling out to
2455people “I love your ethics, your soul, your spirit, thats a good outfit!”
2456I promised to volunteer for the nature clan but today's gonna be
2457great! Ryanʼs been talking to me more! Summer is here! Iʼm free!
2458“So how do you know Rebecca?” Matt asks (a weighted question)
2459John: “Oh weʼve been best friends for years, we go way back”
2460I did the interview for the regular camp. Please please please hire
2461me.
2462Mom and I got back from a really nice day in the city despite having
2463two therapist appointments. Laurel looked like a deer in headlights
2464upon our entrance and gave me a bracelet. I said some things to
2465make her and mom uncomfortable.
2466“weʼve all done hard drugs but we don't all look like it”
2467“weʼve not all done hard drugs”
2468“Weʼve all done acid in the last week but weʼre not all speaking in
2469tongues”
2470“…”
2471
2472
2473“Well I had this bad threesome”
2474“DEETS!!!”
2475I ended up blocking some energy draining men after speaking with
2476Dr. Neil. He called me out for “rebelling with loser guys, putting on a
2477front, not talking about underlying issues.” This made me want to
2478have sex with him exponentially more. Instead I told him I try not to
2479think about my fear  success. Afterwards, mom and I went to the
2480Brooklyn Botanicals and walked around St Mark's area.
2481Liam and I got high and went for a walk in the woods. Itʼs nine and
2482dinner isn't even ready yet. Itʼs been weeks since I had sex. Maybe a
2483month. It isn't right if I donʼt respect them and they don't respect
2484me. “No is a word …” I forget what the rest  Laurelʼs phrase was.
2485Dan Baileys calling. Iʼm not picking up. Integrity, that's it.
2486Ryan finally responded. He was out till nine am and his parents called
2487the Madrid police. Also, Kat slept over! We picked up nearly where
2488we left f and she is sleeping on my lounge couch as I write. I made
2489a summer bucket list and one  the things is sit on the ro for an
2490evening.
2491Itʼs overcast today, may see Matt later. He said he was disappointed
2492John made an appearance. Meghan expressed how she didn't want
2493to go to Frendly. My leadership conference is in less than a week,
2494make the most  the week long spiel.
2495We went to Brewology for Burgers, no brews. Kevin. Heʼs so
2496attentive to me, so sincere. We had sex in the park parking lot. In my
2497trunk. Iʼve never felt so high and we consumed no substances.
2498
2499
2500Mom and I went to the city for her haircut and I got a massage. We
2501saw a Roz Chast exhibit that made us laugh out loud in the middle 
2502this museum. We then went to the East Village, went to a tea shop
2503and a kava bar. Also wild earth will take me!
2504I told Scott and Jeannie itʼs over. Iʼve got a lot going on. Iʼm actually
2505leading fairy house workshop for Paulottaʼs birthday.
2506Itʼs more than a parking ticket. nintey bucks because  cuntbag. Iʼm
2507just as bad for associating with them and their loser loser lives. Dad
2508lectured me until I couldn't take it anymore. Mom previously lectured
2509me until I couldn't hate myself more. How much do you have to hate
2510yourself to make this a life? I say Iʼm done with it, but Mom knows
2511better. Iʼve turned my life into a nightmare dressed as a daydream.
2512To quote Taylor Swift. I wish I could Beyonce this shit like I ain't sorry
2513but I am, Iʼm sorry for disrespecting myself, for measuring my worth
2514in the lowest  ways, for going against my intuition and better
2515judgement. For repeating mistakes. Again and again. For not
2516asserting myself. For not realizing my worth. For thinking I donʼt
2517have a choice. People are good. I am good. People are good. I am
2518good. People are good and I am good.
2519I successfully completed the Electric Kool Aid Acid test.
2520Next up, Blind Willow, Sleeping Woman. Last night I read at the Little
2521Nook! People seemed to like it. Matt said “you don't need a
2522boyfriend, your lifeʼs an adventure”
2523We spent the day at Wildwood park. Sinead, Liam and myself.
2524Sinead had sunglasses with pink lenses. We lay on a cliff
2525overlooking the ocean and tripped. Then we walked to this secluded
2526
2527
2528area with huge rocks. Sinead said ”This is where we did that shoot
2529for Diplo and Major Lazer. Can I take some photos  you?” 
2530course! I was grooving on my rock, standing up with my arms out
2531and the wind blowing. I would laugh at nothing in particular. My
2532alarmʼs set for five in the morning, another New Paltz interview.
2533“I saw when I was checking your phone for charge (it was plugged
2534in). Whoʼs David and Jack? You canʼt go today. The jobʼs not
2535important. You could have jury duty (I didnʼt).”
2536Iʼm in New Paltz now, sitting on my bed with no sheets on, eating
2537trail mix, thinking  hiking to skytop tower and maybe unison
2538sculpture garden. Iʼm pretty sure I just ate a chunk  weed. I knew I
2539wouldn't have jury duty. I smoked a moderate amount this weekend.
2540Pretty sure there's housemates on the other side. Itʼs way too hot.
2541We went to the Londonderry farmers market and stayed at the inn.
2542We sat by the edge  a river and took the pills Liam gave me. We
2543probably had sex for five hours straight, in the bathtub, on the bed, not
2544on the bed. We took a long hike to Hamilton falls. My head hurts but
2545Iʼm not afraid. He respects me tremendously. The womenʼs
2546conference is soon but I still have most  June to complete my
2547bucket list. Plenty  time. Camp Wiltmeet said yes.
2548I am at the conference. Itʼs the getting settled part. Iʼm in a suite
2549with three girls. Mom and I explored a ton yesterday in these towns by
2550New Paltz, getting groceries, checking out some cute shops.
2551second day  conference. Long, tedious, but there were moments 
2552happiness. Laughter that bubbles out from the whole group,
2553knowing looks, secret smiles. I talked to Ryan and heʼll meet me in
2554
2555
2556New Paltz!! V Excited. Itʼs late and we have to get up early but
2557everyone's wired. Iʼm tired, just spoke to Mom and Dad after sharing
2558select guy stories with the girls.
2559Everyoneʼs still drinking in the next suite. Itʼs quiet here but Iʼm
2560hyped up. Two guys came by but they only brought bud light. I miss
2561weed. We did a lot  kiss dares and the girls would shriek when lips
2562touched. It started f me, Maria, Glory, Shantalee, Michelle, then
2563more girls came. Previously we met in small groups to discuss our
2564experience. I made a rap. In between each line Maria says NLNY
2565Put it out into the universe
2566privileged get to do this work
2567canʼt keep us in a box
2568talkin bout a paradox
2569staying in your lane
2570believe itʼs gonna change
2571always gotta have a story
2572not an anonymous category
2573be your own reality not a self fulfilling prophecy
2574“We are a group  women striving to make our mark on the world”-
2575one  the speakers
2576I had the most amazing day and Ryan hasn't even been dropped f
2577
2578
2579by the Kiran Couple. Theyʼre nice the “next door” housemates. Two
2580 them are drag queens, they're all art majors. Their name is
2581“ratchet bochicheras”. I went into High Falls and Rosendale to see
2582what I could see. Puppet theater woman loved me, said I could be in
2583the mermaid parade but has yet to respond to my email. She had big
2584paper-mache heads outside the studio. Next I went to the Creative
2585Co-op. I figured maybe I could fer to help since sweeping the
2586studio at Redwing Blackbird got me far. The woman there said I
2587would go far because  my social openness. The creative coop was
2588closed. Iʼm in my newly decorated room now, everyoneʼs coming for
2589a dinner party but first the cult (students for sustainable agriculture)
2590is gathering at the garden. Iʼve been rest/reading/phoning/tryna get
2591in the shower but I need to document last night. Beryl and Daisy
2592came up for fun/birthdays and we went to a very empowering
2593lingerie party. No hooking up, just dancing and music and smoking.
2594The party was on main street above groovy blueberry outlet and
2595thought the windows you could see a few passers by but no one
2596gave us trouble. We pregamed at this girl Hayleyʼs house. She had a
2597wild earth sticker. I asked her about it. She said she loved it but it
2598was v earthy. I don't think that counts as a reason to not still be
2599there.
2600Couldn't follow the directions to Wild Earth counselor night. Too
2601obscure. I had just come from the Wiltmeet training which was
2602demanding. Maybe just in relation to yesterday. We fucked nearly
2603the whole day and night, high on acid, laughing manically orgasming
2604forever. No one has it better than us, I said. He said we could be
2605anywhere. He also said something about how Iʼll never know his
2606years  loneliness and how heʼs dying to make a family with me. He
2607
2608
2609says this every time I see him. Iʼm young. I still have a lot to do. love
2610him despite his insanity or perhaps because  it. When we made it
2611downstairs a timid looking guy with dyed blond hair came peeking
2612out and introduced himself as the second drag queen next door (he
2613didn't say that). I was wearing my new dresses, not at the same
2614time, the ones I made him get me. I feel so lovely in them. Ryan
2615seems to be drifting away, maybe Meghan too. Roz will visit in a
2616week or so though. We didnʼt really sleep last night. I told him to
2617drape these “crystal” strands he got me from the ceiling. They're
2618swing now to the air from the fan. From the fan. Itʼs still light and the
2619birds are chirping, but Iʼm high and blissfully sleepy. Still no wifi or
2620laptop. No problem.
2621He didn't wanna give me acid so I could go fuck another guy. Iʼm
2622gonna go fuck another guy regardless. I told him.  course heʼs
2623upset, texting me a megillah.
2624Ryan knew his way around the subway well. He fucked me on this
2625ro in Brooklyn against this ledge overlooking workmen. We went to
2626a crap Chinatown hotel but it had a fire escape. I immediately
2627stepped out onto it and looked down at the busy street. My dress
2628was blowing in the wind. He danced a lot at Tame Impala. I danced
2629the hardest to The Less I Know The Better. He tried to get me into
2630this Bushwick “Kink Festival” at three AM, giving me a five hr. energy in
2631attempt to counteract the weed brownies from my old buddy Eddie.
2632I haven't known him long, donʼt even really know him, heʼs just old.
2633Just clarifying, we didn't actually get in. Iʼm thinking  going to this
2634crystal shop and an art gallery before my training this evening. I
2635want to maximize my exploration. Dadʼs coming tomorrow. At the
2636
2637
2638camp training yesterday they wanted us to come up with a name for
2639our group. I first thought sugar bears, maybe leaping lemurs.
2640Todayʼs wacky head day so Iʼll be wearing my frog hat mom dug up.
2641Jasper drove me home today. Heʼs so cute how he's constantly
2642drawing, a golden lock falling over his joyful tanned face. He told me
2643about the horror  county fair and we discussed our life directions. I
2644hiked with dad at Mohonk earlier. We had the trails to ourselves to
2645sing and dance.
2646These past few days have been so hectic. Roz visited for a bit, first
2647coming to Long Island spending a night with the one person we
2648shouldn't have.
2649Mom: So did you get to meet Meghan?
2650Roz (we had already taken some acid): No actually—
2651Mom: It wasn't Kevin (she knew it was)
2652I broke down
2653We left and came to New Paltz with a ton  Kevinʼs weed. We went
2654out, me turning in at a reasonable hour for my camp training in the
2655morning. Weʼre the chickadees and we have a theme song. Canʼt
2656wait to sing it with all the tots today! I had a job at the fancy food
2657show these last two days. I got a call from Stephan (father  the
2658Germans) “How do you feel about wearing a dirndl?” Momʼs wearing
2659it today. After my shift was over we worked our way through the
2660endless isles grabbing what we could scavenge. I came home to find
2661a tick in my armpit and a gross Valentineʼs day crap box for me.
2662
2663
2664He somewhat redeemed himself. We ugly cried together under the
2665pergola in the community gardens. I wrote him this long essay
2666explaining why I had to give the stuffed bear to a random guy on the
2667street. I went to unison finally, echoing sounds echoing from
2668speakers. Endless sculptures  all kinds. At camp today I dispersed
2669gems and let the kids take them home with them. Bunch  naked
2670babies toddling around the forest. I even brought bubbles but didnʼt
2671get a chance to blow them. Jasper should be here any second.
2672Weʼre going to Mexican Kitchen. Iʼve been having strange dreams,
2673yoga fest, Dan, Lauren, orgy invite, fear, dead fest, orgy invite, fear.
2674This weekend Bethel Woods is having a free gathering. That's all it
2675says. Carla says do it while you can, sheʼs my wild earth bud.
2676Chickadee camp visited screech owl today. It was a breakthrough
2677day for everyone. Max wasnʼt there for Alma so she took an interest
2678in me. I splashed water in the stream pretending to be a creature
2679and having her “throw” the frog out, though it kept coming back.
2680She played with Nora and I making homes for rocks that hatched
2681and then needed doctors. Liam has a quiet wisdom about him.
2682Observant, calm, but occasionally something will strike him and heʼll
2683slide into this mischievous grin. In the spy fort at screech owl, he
2684was the pacifist. If we just wait, the monsters will go away. Love gun.
2685I can hear the elves, they're in the tree, I can almost see them.
2686Ryan said he hasnʼt been this relaxed in a while and that I just exude
2687love. He had to go after I showed him the gallery. I got a print and we
2688talked with the artist for a while. I love watching him talk. He said
2689heʼd be my wedding date for my cousinʼs wedding in San Fran.
2690Pretty sure I took Jasper's virginity. He said Iʼd have to show him a
2691
2692
2693few things. Also I set f the fire alarm cooking. It actually had a
2694voice that went “fire fire”. Jo and her friend are downstairs, we did a
2695dinner thing. My kids say Iʼm the best counselor they ever had. I told
2696stories and let them be free. One thing, I did get fondled by this girl
2697Gigi who was like show me your boobs. I was real with them. I think
2698they respect me for that. Penelope and Lily especially liked me.
2699Day two at camp. Jasper just left. We had an honest attempt at sex. Itʼs
2700eleven now. I love just talking to him, knowing heʼs there.
2701“On the loose to climb a mountain, on the loose where I am free, on
2702the loose to live my life the way I think my life should be, for I only
2703have a moment and a whole world yet to see, Iʼll be looking for
2704tomorrow on the loose”- camp song from Whippoorwill
2705“There was a slick rock and a blue sky
2706tall pine and a mountain high
2707no phone, no car, no clock
2708just a blue sky and a slick rock”- Wild Earth
2709“Letʼs pump pump pump it up (REPEAT)
2710lets P.U.M.P. pump it up”
2711“one-We are the hudsons, two a little bit louder, three I still canʼt hear you four
2712more more more”
2713-Camp Wiltmeet
2714
2715
2716I deleted/blocked him. For real this time. He showed up at four AM,
2717uninvited, smoking a blunt, for sex, he read my whole diary. He met
2718Jasper.
2719“She asked you to leave”
2720“Just go ahead and kill me right now. Do it.”
2721An hour later Iʼm closing the door on him and heʼs got the call me
2722sign going with his hand. Pathetic, loser, Iʼm better than you son  a
2723bitch. These are the things I didn't say. Instead I said “Sure, I love
2724you, I just donʼt particularly like you. Youʼre not invited here.”
2725Jasper came last night. We hiked to a rock face and talked about
2726everything. Like came from sex.  course he showed up. Just
2727clarifying. We went to this romantic rotop restaurant, Parrish. I got
2728the jambalaya. He had a glow today and it wasnʼt just that he picked
2729out his Jew Fro. John sent a dick pic. I told the kids a story about
2730unicorns while I was making their friendship bracelets. It was
2731basically every Irish folk tale plus rainbow mist plus Tuck
2732Everlasting. Tomorrowʼs story is the green flash. Not sure what that
2733oneʼs about.
2734I got fired, left twenty kids unattended for. I thought they were attended
2735for. Was bound to happen. Went to Long Island for a week, just spent
2736the day with Jasper. I like his family. He drove us to High Falls for
2737cliff jumping, crystal shopping, mine sex and junk shop hippie shop
2738hunting. Donʼt have to look far in Rosendale. The lady at the junk
2739shop said “want to see the cat show?” so we followed her right
2740outside the front  the shop to a closed door and a sign that said
2741cat show. She told us to put a dollar bill by the bottom and the cats
2742
2743
2744will take it. Jasper was trying for a while with no success. He
2745showed me his whole portfolio. V talented. His mom really liked me.
2746Yesterday after job hunting I went into Poughkeepsie for an STD
2747test. Nick told me to. Heʼs a Tinder lad. He picked me up and took
2748me to an overlook  the bridge and then showed me his house. Also
2749a V talented artist. He salvages wire and sculpts with it. His mom
2750died  cancer a few years ago.
2751Jasper has these creases that come down from his eyes when he
2752smiles. We put big “love me” stickers around campus and he
2753parkoured everything he could with great skill. Today Iʼm getting the
2754mushrooms and then Jasper will sleep over. yesterday we shared a
2755milkshake at B Side and saw a shooting star and kissed under an
2756archway. Today Iʼll read a bunch and get my free drink at Mud
2757Puddle because Iʼm a wild earth staff.
2758He leaves messages saying not much  anything.
2759I went to Boston with Ryan. We got a hotel room and Roz and
2760company crashed there after clubbing. At least I got to reenact my
2761fantasy  being a train track girl beforehand. Call me Mirette!
2762These last luscious days  summer are slow and hot. Wild earth
2763ended yesterday. All I really came for is the stickers but I got so
2764much more. I met Morganne and Phoebe, and Ellie and Sam and the
2765indigo crystal children, my little forest spirits. Also my car got stuck
2766in a ditch, but donʼt worry itʼs out now.
2767Here is a list  things Ellie said
2768
2769
2770-oh itʼs not organic, I'm not eating it
2771-you can only have seconds in the herbal balls once everyone has
2772firsts
2773-terrifying manic laugh
2774-what you just said right now is so long island
2775-youʼre really manifesting that
2776And then thereʼs Esperanza. Beautiful shoeless sundress clad
2777sincere Esperanza who called me a babushka and it made my day.
2778Katie, who told a story about the wolfʼs purpose and all the kids
2779chimed in afterward saying “I know my purpose!” or “Whatʼs my
2780purpose?”
2781I told a story about the funk, based f The Mighty Boosh Old Greg. I
2782got a lot  questions. What does the funk look like? What does it
2783taste like? Have you had it?
2784Today I woke up in Jaspers van. We went to a welcome back bonfire
2785and I crashed before anyone else. Iʼve got big plans for today. I want
2786to go to Sunflower Festival, a watering hole thing, the crystal shop,
2787maybe hear some reggae, watch a dance troupe .
2788Last night was perfect. We went to Charlieʼs huge property to do the
2789mushrooms. We drove around to a spot to watch the lightning, the
2790warm wind blowing in our faces, reworked old jazzy tunes thumping.
2791We canoed in the dark. I brought my new prism light. We passed by
2792Loweʼs and grabbed a flamingo that was in the outdoor display. After
2793
2794
2795ice pops we came back for a hibiscus plant. Itʼs going to be my dadʼs
2796birthday present.
2797“You canʼt just get one tall boy”, Nick said, referring to the beers in
2798his bag. I nodded solemnly. Jasperʼs visit almost overlapped with
2799his. They made eye contact while Nick was parked. I was feeling a
2800bit tired and bad about kicking Jasper out. But then Nick fucked the
2801shit out  me and I loved every second  it. Afterwards while lying
2802on my bed he said there was something he hadnʼt told me because
2803he didnʼt want to bring drama. A girl he had stopped seeing was
2804having his child. It was too late for an abortion and he doubts her
2805abilities not just as a mother but as a person. They plan on raising
2806him as if they were married then divorced. I told him that his kid
2807would be smart and kind and artsy and strong. He noticed some
2808white stuff on my plants and got rid  the disease. We went to
2809Bistro in the morning, acting all flirty. He touched my butt and I
2810returned it with a few pats to his crotch. “Thatʼs not a thing.” As he
2811left he did a little dance. Iʼm very glad heʼs coming to the hemp fest.
2812When he left I made a bunch  weed cookies and got remarkably
2813high.
2814“The revolving door”
2815“Mom!”
2816Sam had just returned from Spain and brought me back a desigual
2817purse with a beautiful bold flower pattern. We kissed passionately
2818and worked our way upstairs. I wanted to have sex with him, I did. I
2819was just too sore.
2820“Why are you so sore so soon?”
2821
2822
2823“I saw my fuck buddy last night”
2824Iʼm sure he wishes he were the only one, like the other two, but still
2825he stayed with me until I said I couldnʼt sleep with him there.
2826 I was too high to go to a birthday party but agreed to drive one 
2827the girls back to Long Island this morning. Iʼm leaving in an hour.
2828Mom and Dad have been fighting more than usual. They both insist
2829the other needs therapy but not them. Weʼve been having a lot 
2830company lately. It must be hard to pretend to be happy for them.
2831Todayʼs the first day  school! Thankfully my class doesnʼt start till
2832five. I only got here yesterday evening. I was at a hemp fest with Roz
2833and Nick. What is a hemp fest you may ask. Basically a bunch 
2834artists and vendors giving out CBD oil. When I first got there I wasnʼt
2835feeling it, and neither was Nick. There were all these trailers and
2836everyone was just too chilled out. I even saw a few people in
2837wheelchairs. I felt strong there. I turned down everything except my
2838weed cookies, which still got me very high. I didnʼt know how Nick
2839and I would be getting along by the end  it but I really really like
2840him! I even said I love him. He feels the same. Let me back up a bit,
2841this was after my breakdown. Roz and Nick were arguing about the
2842ideal camping spot and I was just ready to hit the road right then and
2843there. I called my mom uncontrollably sobbing and lay down in the
2844grass in between all these white trash trailers like what am I doing? I
2845spent money to do this. I mostly came for Kat Wright and somewhat
2846TJ and Twiddle but I feel obligated to stick with my friends. After I
2847calmed down a bit I walked over to Nick with the keys in my hands
2848and said
2849
2850
2851“youʼre driving”.
2852He said “No”
2853He held me in the grass for a bit and reassured me.
2854Do you have any idea how much I like you?
2855“I love you a bit” I replied
2856“Same without the a bit”
2857On the ride back to Burlington he gave us an impromptu slam poetry
2858 his that solidified his place in the creative genius category. Back
2859at the house he wanted to fuck, grabbing a fistful  my hair and
2860pushing my head into the mattress. Roz yanked at his hand, saying
2861“stop it!” emphatically. I wasn't entirely sure I wanted him to stop it.
2862Sam was the majority  my welcoming contingent when I got to
2863New Paltz. We danced down church street after he got me sushi. We
2864were twirling and leaping. We always have the best conversations.
2865Since getting bangs, I spend a great deal  time fiddling with them.
2866I canʼt decide whether I like them or not.
2867Classes have started. I really like my teachers, will get back to you
2868on that later.
2869Iʼm feeling very distressed for seemingly no reason but if I think
2870about it there are reasons that are quite clear. Last night I smoked a
2871moderate amount  weed and got reasonably drunk at Daisyʼs
2872dinner party and woke to realize I had class in a few minutes. There
2873
2874
2875were people I didnʼt recognize downstairs, friends  Joʼs. I tripped
2876over some curbs walking to class and had to go back to my room for
2877some papers I forgot. On the walk I thought about the previous
2878night, how Sam had declined sex with me in favor  gazing at the
2879stars and talking about how we are all specks in the universe. I tried
2880to lighten it up by saying that weʼre specks that do awesome shit all
2881the time. We gathered materials to make a natural dye which I just
2882tried to do to my anguish. They make it look so easy at wild earth. I
2883ran into this girl Shayla from high school in my quest to get
2884unreasonably caffeinated this morning. We are going to Oasis later.
2885This makes me a bit uncomfortable but Iʼll still do it. Also Nick is
2886going away for a week so I will have no one to placate my nerves
2887with rough sex that leaves me nearly comatose. In addition, I haven't
2888yet written back to Jeannie and am not sure whether I want to or not
2889and there is a questionable smell in the kitchen.
2890Before hiking to see the sunset, Sam and I spent a while on my bed
2891exchanging smoke through each otherʼs mouths and gazing into
2892each otherʼs eyes. He said how itʼs like we create our own world
2893when weʼre together, filled with music and a few well thought out
2894words. There isn't a need to speak much with him. We tried having
2895sex a few times, finally succeeding in him staying hard enough to
2896enter me. It could be his meds, it could be his anxiety. I was very
2897supportive though and told him it was okay. His classes start today,
2898lots  APs. Hopefully he could blow f some steam with me,
2899twirling and jumping like a whirling dervish. He said sorry if my
2900dancing was too weird. I told him no, if anything it wasn't weird
2901enough.
2902John was in the neighborhood yesterday so I showed him the club
2903
2904
2905fair. Upon greeting me, we did a jig and he declared that was our
2906handshake. A girl at the booth said “no itʼs not”. Even she could tell. I
2907asked for a piece  paper and wrote universal revival club. I got a
2908few people interested.
2909TJ gave me two little paper squares  acid in his car. He wanted to
2910have sex too but I told him I had to get back to my friends. Iʼm saving
2911it.
2912I want to say I love you to Sam so much. We say similar things like I
2913loved that, I love us, I love how you do that, I love doing that to you,
2914but not I love you. We both know though. I met his mom and her
2915boyfriend. They invited me to stay for dinner but Sam said I had a lot
2916 schoolwork. I do, and I plan on going to the library soon but I donʼt
2917want to forget lying on his trampoline, full with whole wheat banana
2918bread, listening to him say that the only things we need to pay
2919attention to now are the sounds around us, the birds. He walked me
2920home, carrying my gifted tomatoes. I felt especially light, having
2921mentally let go  Nick. He had been on a week long trip. (not from
2922drugs, just visiting his dad)
2923Im gonna take a nap then im leaving, so i wont be in ny until super
2924late
2925Its a twelve hour drive, another fourty mins to get to you
2926Was thinking  coming in your room at like two am and raping you
2927it wouldn't be rape
2928U know what i mean.. Wake u up by covering your mouth.. Pin u
2929
2930
2931down and force your legs open
2932mm hmm
2933That way u get to have two dicks in u within the same day, i'll be
2934reclaiming my pussy
2935its a plan
2936U like the idea  letting other guys use your holes than having your
2937man come and reclaim whats his?
2938just one guy
2939Im guessing he wont be the last =p
2940sure you'll be up for it a two am?
2941Ill be wiped out but its hard to not fuck u
2942I might just pass out with u and take u in the morning.. We'll see
2943I miss u
2944miss u
2945U said u wanted tweleve boys before college graduation, thats only the
2946first, eleven more dicks to go =p
2947I miss you too sweet cheeks. Cant wait to see you !
2948I'm really sorry but I have to take care  my health and I have three
2949unstarted papers
2950
2951
2952I want to see you but not tonight
2953So I'm willing to drive twelve hours until  three o'clock in the morning and
2954then still drive another fourty minutes just to come see you I and I'm not
2955even asking you to even get out  bed..and you can't be bothered
2956because you have three unstarted papers... yet you had time to go
2957out dancing and spend the night and morning fucking someone else.
2958Makes me feel really appreciated and missed. Sounds more to me
2959like you just don't really need to see me because you already got
2960dick
2961I've got to be honest kind  hurt my feelings with this right here.
2962Don't worry I won't drive the extra hour to see you
2963You even cut me f last night and said "can we talk about this later"
2964because you were busy with somebody else and then you do this
2965As if me sleeping with you and having sex for twenty minutes in the
2966morning really was gonna have a giant impact on your health or
2967papers.. You really know how to make me feel like a secondary
2968unimportant person in your life sometimes
2969Now i get to drive tweleve hours alone and depressed
2970Thanks
2971Iʼd talk to you on the ride back
2972Do you understand all the reasons why I am upset and why you hurt
2973my feelings?
2974Well right now I'm not interested in talking to you on the phone
2975
2976
2977I'm going to go home and sleep in my own bed
2978I was thinking  going to the yoga club meeting but on New Paltz
2979Bartering community a guy said heʼd give me a pint  graham
2980cracker ice cream and a blunt for my flavored condom collection.
2981Riley came by, I introduced him as my classiest friend. He lay in bed
2982with me a while and we watched the video for I took a pill in Ibiza. He
2983doesn't do weed. He kept looking over at me, saying how it always
2984seems like I have some inside joke with myself.
2985My familyʼs going to San Fran in less than a week! Finally! Ryanʼs
2986been in touch with me a bit, saying how we could see each other for
2987a few days. Iʼm so excited, it feels like so long. Weʼll pick up right
2988where we left f. Remember me saying “call me Mirette!!!”? Will
2989Mom and Dad meet him? Do I want them to meet him?
2990In Evolution, Alyssa walked in and sat down next to me like we
2991always do and I told her about my plan to have a party with oblong
2992penis shaped foods. Imagine that, just a bunch  people hanging
2993out waving their oblong foods around! It would be great. Dr. Amorosi
2994handed out note cards telling us to write things we like on ours. Mine
2995looked a bit like this:
2996I like a lot  things, like reading, writing, theater, gypsy caravans,
2997extreme hippies in theory, Burning Man in theory, this guy named
2998Ryan also Sam, psych stuff, getting to know people, NOT MATH,
2999history, NOT PSEUDO RASTAS, being outside, home decor, plants,
3000you know. I found this hilarious and tried to stifle giggles for the first
3001hour and a half. Also I had recently taken some caffeine pill green
3002tea extract recommended by Riley.
3003
3004
3005Itʼs a three hour lecture class, and I ask the most questions by far.
3006Curious questioner. Heʼll mention something about alternate
3007universes and Iʼm like hold up. This needs to be discussed. Or a
3008phrase like puddle puppy. That got my attention.
3009Sam met me in the library and we did a bit  work before wandering
3010between the bookcases, eventually settling in one that seemed
3011secluded. We kissed and he grabbed my butt in that nice way he
3012does. We heard something and a girl walked by. We finished where
3013we left f back at the house. We have to do Spanish. He kept saying
3014Spanish. What did you want to quiz me on again? I teased him.“You
3015got really excited there” he said with a smile as he pulled his shorts
3016back on afterward.
3017We went to the Food Not Bombs Wednesday free food thing on main
3018street. I got into this conversation  sorts with a woman there
3019saying how she was a Womenʼs Studies major but dropped out with
3020two credits to go. Sheʼs doing a “slut walk" soon to protest assault.We
3021had a brief disagreement about what that consists .
3022 How many pudding pops can one consume in a twentyfour hr time frame
3023without being gross?
3024Weʼre supposed to read The Awakening for American Women
3025Writers  twentyth century. Itʼs about a woman who has chosen to go
3026against the expected roles she should play and instead gives over
3027responsibility to feeling. She does what she wants. Growing up
3028responsibility was a terrifying word to me.
3029A small package from Kevin came today containing an adorable fair
3030trade esque stuffed elephant, several dancing bear iron-ons, music
3031
3032
3033note stickers, two bookmarks crafted by him somewhat, and a letter
3034including some  our best text conversations.
3035I babysat for the Germans! They were at their friendʼs lovely historic
3036house. Tessa pulled me aside, saying they can be a little whiney if
3037they don't get what they want. Anything else I should know? No,
3038thatʼs it. No no no no no no no no no no! NO! NOOOOOO! Bedtime.
3039Sam and I were gyrating our bodies to music while occasionally
3040exchanging smoke between our mouths when I heard a knock on the
3041door. Daisy opened it and said “Thereʼs a man here for you, what
3042should I tell him?” A number  men flickered through my mind. Well
3043who is it? I wanted to know. Not sure, but heʼs cute. Sam gave me a
3044confused look. Send him away, Iʼm not taking visitors at the
3045moment. I had half a mind to tell her “If he's here for the gangbang
3046send him up”, but I don't think that would have gone over well. It was
3047Harley, the guy who mows our lawn. If I was going to do something I
3048would have gone to the drag show our neighbors were starring in.
3049Iʼm feeling a bit under the weather.
3050Jasper came back! I couldn't stop smiling when I saw him. I probably
3051gave him my cold but he seemed not to care. Yes, we had sex. Three
3052or so thrusts, Sam wanted to know.
3053“I really don't have much  a sex drive” he said
3054Iʼm a simple woman. Thatʼs a lie. Itʼs twelve-twenty-two AM and Iʼve taken who
3055knows how much acidʼs in this square. Samʼs out at some party
3056trying to meet me at Oasis for dancing. All my life I been looking for
3057the magic woo ooh looking for the magic in my eyes baby in my eyes
3058
3059
3060Shayla and Joanna met me at Lemongrass Thai place and we went
3061back to smoke. Beryl took a hit.They were curious about how the
3062acid would affect me so I took it, expecting to see Sam in a bit. Daisy
3063and Beryl were going to this girl Brennaʼs birthday so we popped in.
3064Brenna was happy to see me but the girls were ready to call it a
3065night. Iʼm waiting on Samʼs text. He wants to meet me.
3066Iʼll tell u when to leave, okay?
3067sure
3068this shit is crazy
3069what shit? is everything okay? are u at the thing?
3070ill meet you soon
3071yay
3072 course Shayla wants to know how I feel
3073I feel Uplifted
3074well better than the alternative
3075which is?
3076pushed down
3077Oh
3078Goodnight! Not going to do anything weird now.
3079
3080
3081I mean
3082how do I say
3083I feel like what would feed my soul the most
3084when you leave
3085is to writhe around in my bed
3086to the music 
3087Glass Animals
3088maybe some Beach House
3089waiting for Sam to tell me what weʼre doing
3090I met him at the top  the hill at the end  my street. He was
3091flushed and his hair was doing that cute thing when the short bits in
3092the front curl. He let his dark stubble grow out a bit and his blue
3093eyes were shining. I noticed the Volkswagen van wasn't where it was
3094an hour ago. There was a crazy bar scene and we had to weave
3095through the drunkards. He was somewhat stoned and drunk, the
3096hottest mess Iʼd ever seen. He led the way, his three friends tagging
3097along. We made an interesting crew, the preppy boy from some
3098college upstate, the homeless looking kid who busted his knee,
3099eventually passing out on Samʼs trampoline with one arm in the
3100cereal box, the Irish dude who talked briefly with a cute girl about
3101what heʼs not sure. Sam wanted to enter from downstairs, so we
3102danced in the low key area with some  the transvestites next door
3103and their friends. Sam and I were basically reenacting that scene
3104
3105
3106from grease, especially when he suggested I take f my tribal shirt
3107and I just wore the black tank and leggings. We went upstairs and
3108danced among the raging youths. Eventually we called it a night and
3109headed back to Samʼs. The preppy guy decided to pick up the sign
3110in front  the quick-e mart advertising the price  their cfee. It
3111ended up on someoneʼs lawn. We got two signs seems like a
3112promising night. Itʼs already has been! Sam received the brunt 
3113their anger this morning. He walked me home, leaving me with his
3114grey fruit  the looms. He also left me with the memory  our four AM
3115sex.
3116“You want more?”
3117“Yes”
3118“Convince me”
3119“I need more”
3120“You sure Jasper wasnʼt enough?”
3121“Iʼm here, Iʼm right here. Here for you”
3122It scares me a bit how much I like him. He said how he didnʼt want
3123either  us to get hurt and that heʼs scared  being hurt but it just
3124feels so right to be with me. I told him I couldnʼt hurt him if I wanted
3125to, which may be a lie.
3126I wrapped myself around him and we eventually passed out, our
3127limbs entwined, his plush hippo between us. I deleted the snap 
3128him partially so Jasper wouldn't see.
3129
3130
3131Bad Decisions by Two Door Cinema Club perfectly explains how Iʼm
3132feeling. Sam is in a rough spot. Heʼs overtired, wants to discuss the
3133undiscussed but doesn't want to say anything, I wish I could just
3134hold him but I canʼt. He wants me to. Why canʼt it be simple? Age 
3135information, generation information, overloaded, overstimulated,
3136lifeʼs happening too fast and how are we expected to keep up?
3137I told him we could be monogamous. Thereʼs no one here for me to
3138be non monogamous with anyway, no one I want. Heʼs mine, all
3139mine. HAHAHAH! He came to say goodbye to me after class. He was
3140unsure about heading straight up to my room and made the shush
3141symbol when I started to make sex sounds. Still, he gave me a
3142meditation after it all, running his hand up and down my body,
3143speaking in his honey smooth voice. Iʼm at the Davisʼs now in Leonia.
3144Itʼs nearly ten and my family just left Long Island. Juliannaʼs listening
3145to this podcast with music she agrees is remarkably bad. Weʼre
3146leaving tomorrow at five in the morning. Iʼm tired but everyoneʼs up and eating,
3147watching TV. Ryan may not even be there till Saturday.
3148His hitchhiking ride didn't get him there till today. Monday. Iʼm in
3149New Paltz. But itʼs alright. I haven't slept much in the past fourty-eight hours.
3150Iʼm running on a bit  caffeine, mostly just the excitement  it all.
3151We did most  the touristy things. I will do it differently next time.
3152Next time with Sam. Heʼs got me singing love songs when Iʼm
3153putsing around the house. His ex wanted to fuck while we were
3154away. He turned her down. The simple joys  being in love. I donʼt
3155feel the need to do S&M stuff with him. It so nice to just look at him
3156looking at me with a kind look in his eyes. San Fran. San Fran. It
3157seems much colder here. I wore a hat when I first left fifty-eight Church. A
3158few cute guys said hi to me. It was probably the hat.
3159
3160
3161Hazy dream recollections  someone familiar coming by, sniff this
3162letʼs have a fun night. I havenʼt smoked in two weeks. Samʼs doing a
3163weed cleanse and I figured it couldn't hurt for me to do it too.
3164I havenʼt written in what feels like forever. It was really just a week
3165ago I made that last entry but a lot has happened. We went to The
3166Meadows! It was wild, so many people, we got so high. BORNS,
3167Cage The Elephant, Kanye, Chance the Rapper, Chairlift, Pusha T
3168(he wanted to). At one point I was dancing with my bag
3169and this girl came up to me asking if I knew where the funnel cake
3170stand was. I was like do I look like I know where the funnel cake is?
3171Sam said she was looking to buy weed. Kanye had to stop because
3172Kim was held at gunpoint in Paris. Very glamorous. Tied up in a hotel
3173room. That doesn't sound like a bad time to me. Anyway, we stayed
3174at his cousinʼs house on the upper east side. It was nice to pretend it
3175was our apartment, being that we had it all to ourselves. He did that
3176thing I love where weʼre kissing, and he walks me backward toward
3177the bed. The next morning we had bagels with his grandfather, a real
3178character who wrote a book about being a holocaust survivor.
3179Where did you find such a pretty girl? When I was your age I could
3180eat three bagels all before breakfast!
3181Ryan sent his finished book! It is amazing and I want to finish it
3182tonight. Itʼs pretty long but I donʼt care. I saw Jasper briefly after
3183class. I didnʼt have to fend him f or anything. After that I wandered
3184down to the street fair, the last  the season. This guy with
3185turquoise bangles and long hair looked at me and said hola. We were
3186walking in the same direction. He fered me a cig but I declined. Iʼm
3187sure he was fering more than that.
3188
3189
3190Iʼm in my room back in East Quogue. Itʼs a long weekend so most
3191people are doing the same. Todayʼs been rainy and I havenʼt left the
3192house all day. Been doing this essay. I miss Sam. three more days and
3193then reunited and it will feel so good. He wasnʼt feeling so great one
3194evening last week so I brought him some Pukka Love tea and this
3195purple Mexican blanket so we could have sex in our nook in the
3196woods. Two days ago we went to his dadʼs house for Kol Hai, this
3197jewish cult. It was marvelous! Bongo drumming, swaying, clapping,
3198singing, guitars, wild earth tots, we are loved, loved, loved by
3199unending love, an unending love. We schmoozed a bit with the
3200adults and went to the basement to schmooze with the kids. The
3201Rabbi was like “Iʼm talking bout that down to earth judaism, that real
3202earthy judaism.” I ducked into this nook to see if I got any interesting
3203snaps. I usually have some boob shots or someone taking bong rip.
3204Sam popped his head in with that suspicious look, later asking what
3205I was looking at and wanting me to be honest. I told him that, yes,
3206my ex John had sent a dick pic earlier that day and I was curious but
3207itʼs him I want. Heʼs the only one I want and I know his bad parts and
3208I like those too and he knows my not so good parts and hopefully he
3209likes them a bit.
3210“Well say something!”
3211“You don't have to”
3212 after a long pause.
3213“It just seems like your feelings could change at any moment.”
3214“They wonʼt!”
3215
3216
3217We sang songs till our voices were hoarse out the windows  his
3218Volvo to weed smoking passers by and the group huddled by the car
3219behind us. We sang Buffalo Soldier, some Wild Earth tunes, a bit 
3220scat, and Kendrick. Then we ran down the street, skipping and
3221jumping, twirling and hollering. We synchronized our leaps like the
3222first scene in Hair the musical. He bent down ready and I jumped up
3223onto him and he ran with me for a bit. We were breathless and
3224laughing by the time we stumbled up to my room. Am I too gentle?
3225Youʼre perfect.
3226I miss weed a bit. Heʼs trying to go a month. I figured Iʼd join him but
3227Iʼm reconsidering. Maybe when I get back. We have services with
3228Kol Hai. Good occasion.
3229It doesnʼt count if no one sees you eat.
3230Did you eat something?
3231Just a snack.
3232Itʼs okay.
3233He donned my poncho and I donned a long jacket. We arrived
3234fashionably late, just as people were dipping their hands in the
3235rosewater.
3236Before Mom came to visit and she took me to Smorgasbord in
3237Kingston! I got a vintage shirt and Shibori. She took Sam and I out
3238for asian food with a wild klezmer like band playing! I was dancing in
3239my seat, the only one shimmying like I meant it.
3240
3241
3242I finished Their Eyes were watching God! Inspired, I put my Zora hat
3243on Sam and it looked quite good. We bypassed the dinner party
3244downstairs for an upstairs romp. He was still getting over a cold.
3245You sure you canʼt kiss me?
3246Better safe.
3247Tonightʼs the brightest moon in a long time. Itʼs an energy shift,
3248especially for Aries. I can feel it already. I took a leap  faith the
3249other day via text:
3250I want to have your wild earth jewish mountain baby indigo children
3251and give you tea when ur old
3252makes sense to me, Iʼd want that too
3253But then later after sex he asked to look in my closet. He looked
3254quick, and not finding what he thought, closed the door. I didnʼt
3255question him.
3256He still had the bandages over where the IV had been. I was still
3257bleeding from my period. It had been so long. I could have stayed in
3258bed with him all day talking  how when he feels better we will go
3259on an adventure for a weekend. I miss Shayla. She came over the
3260other night and we smoked and I read her my writing. She is so
3261validating, I love her. I should really be studying spanish but I have
3262the urge to write, it makes me feel like I am talking to someone.
3263These beetles keep flying into my room somehow and now I have to
3264deal with them. Or do I…? Iʼm a wild earth girl I can live with it. Letʼs
3265see how long I can stand it. This will be fun. Anyway, I had a dream
3266
3267
3268last night I saw John. He tried to kiss me and I said that it was a
3269mistake we saw each other. In real life, Kevin has been texting me. I
3270finally put an end to it by calling him and telling him to leave me
3271alone for a year. He sent me a letter as well which I threw out. I cried.
3272Iʼm crying again now. I texted Ryan, I couldn't help it. He told me how
3273“for the record: I want you. Your mind, body, and soul, laying next to
3274mine.” I can just picture his smirk as he tells me about strapping me
3275to a vibrator and sitting back, watching with a glass  whiskey in
3276hand, and turning on some classical music. When we are both
3277completely and absolutely done, he said he would read to me. I am
3278listening to “Iʼd Have You Anytime” by George Harrison. ‘Let me play
3279youʼ he croons. Ryan wants to play me like an instrument. Can you
3280blame me for wanting a guy who is a creator, as free as the wind,
3281belonging only to the sky? “Real Love Baby” is playing loudly now,
3282partially because a Thursday dinner party is going on downstairs
3283and partly because it helps release the tightness in my chest and
3284the pain in my stomach a bit. I have a test tomorrow. Just smoked. I
3285feel nice. I miss writing high. Itʼs only seven, Iʼm lying in bed typing. I
3286canʼt fall asleep now. I want to though. I canʼt wait for vacation. I
3287want to do something really wild.
3288Yesterday I went out with three lovely girls to the mall. I was
3289reluctant to go because malls and then agreed because decent
3290female companionship. The day before I went to a shamanic dance
3291with Sam because he was feeling better. It was at The Living Seed
3292Yoga Center and when we went in there were scarves in a bucket
3293and rainbow lights moving around. We leaped and grooved to the
3294tunes, occasionally making eye contact with another dancer and
3295swinging each other around. We danced till we couldn't dance
3296
3297
3298anymore, put into a state  bliss.
3299I feel cold and hot at the same time. No one is stirring in the house
3300except me. I know why they call it that, stirring. I feel stirred. Iʼve
3301been reading this essay for my Women Writers class about how
3302fulfilling the traditional female roles is in direct conflict with
3303imagination and creation. This brings me to the other night with
3304Sam. Before we danced, we went out to eat. We were the only ones
3305in the restaurant on a Friday night. The food was good and we
3306talked, as we ten do,  running away from civilization. What about
3307our education? I asked. Will it all be for nothing then? He said that
3308we would homeschool our kids, with morning meditations and daily
3309yoga and dancing. We would all live in the middle  nowhere with a
3310cow and chickens. Yes, I said and suggested more creative pursuits
3311like acting out plays and having an art studio. Yes, he said.
3312Nickʼs been texting me, trying to entice me to get with him. Heʼs
3313been using my gang bang fantasy against me saying how he will
3314bring over his friends. will not be swayed by him, I am steady like
3315Mother Earth.
3316I am impatient. I donʼt want to be patient. Mom says when I get older
3317and have children I will be patient. One  the main signs that Iʼm not
3318crazy is that I am impatient. Crazy people can wait forever with this
3319endless patience that makes absolutely no sense. Ryan says that he
3320could wait forever. The idea  that terrifies me. Whereʼs your sense
3321 urgency, carpe diem? Is there something Iʼm missing? Sure, all we
3322have is time but isnʼt it important what we do with that time? Isnʼt
3323that what keeps us all going? Itʼs what keeps me going for sure.
3324
3325
3326Iʼm at the stage  drunk where reading doesnʼt register, may as well
3327write, put myself to some use. I dreamt last night I was carrying a
3328rabbit through a park. I knew I had to let it go, I just didnʼt want to
3329have it fend for itself in the wild. It didnʼt want to be let go.
3330Last night Sam came to me in a tizzy. He said he would run to me
3331and he literally ran. five minutes. He continued to run up the stairs on
3332all fours and as soon as we got to my room he was kissing me. I had
3333no objection, and still none when he covered my mouth to muffle the
3334moans. He continued to pease me after he came, very rare in a man,
3335a diamond in the rough. Then something occurred to him and he
3336leaped up to right the tiny monkey. It had knocked over at some
3337point. After telling  his wild Saturday night after babysitting he
3338announced that he had to go and ran back home. four minutes.
3339This guy from high school approached me in the library. I was with
3340Alyssa, sitting on the ground despite the chairs right behind us. The
3341desk was low.
3342Rebecca, I haven't seen you since high school, oh my god, how are
3343you? (note we never had a conversation)
3344Well I did see you that one time, remember I did that weird walk by
3345thing and thenNo.
3346I like your shoes, oh thereʼs a little something on them, you know
3347whatʼs good for that a wet cloth or a toothbrush orAnything
3348really.
3349
3350
3351Well, I would get up but youʼre all the way up there and Iʼm all the
3352way down here and thereʼs these books on my lap, I keep trying to
3353move them but itʼs like they donʼt want to be moved.
3354I wonʼt keep you from your studies.
3355Alyssa and I sat in silence for a bit before resuming our
3356conversation, mainly about how I am going to throw a party and it
3357will have the drag queens next door as the featured act, maybe John
3358will come by to do tattoos. There will be food  course, and music. I
3359want to have it before Thanksgiving break. Oh! also Shaylaʼs back!
3360Weʼll go to the village tea room tomorrow and have a catch up.
3361Everyone seems a bit crazed lately, Iʼm curious to see how sheʼs
3362doing. I even made a squash cauliflower thing today, and Beryl is
3363making a wreath out  woodland objects. Branches mostly, not sure
3364what other objects. Jo was upset about having to possibly do a
3365whole other year  school when she really just wants to move to the
3366west coast and live simply. Sheʼs meeting up with a tinder guy for
3367sex tomorrow! Iʼm so happy for her, he looks like a better version 
3368Kurt Cobain and he seems really sweet. I took a picture  my boob
3369in the library today. I was a bit nervous because  all the people
3370walking by. Some things you just do for the thrill  it I guess.
3371 I am wide awake close to midnight on a school night, despite taking
3372a larger than average dose  benzo, both unusual for me. This is
3373probably due to several things:
3374one.) The Thursday night dinner party is going on downstairs, rowdy as
3375usual and especially so because it is Berylʼs birthday. She turned twenty-one.
3376I had a lengthy conversation with her earlier today which I find
3377
3378
3379superior to drunken group chatter. Daisyʼs shrieking travels up the
3380carpeted stairs and irks most parts  me.
3381two.) I have a lot going through my mind with regards to Sam and
3382Ryan. Yes, Iʼve been messaging Ryan The Mindfuck and he gives me
3383tasks such as sending original erotic stories to men in my contacts. I
3384mistakenly sent one to my old creative writing pressor from
3385Southampton. I played it f like I meant to send it to him, and in
3386hindsight I donʼt regret it. Ryan tells me how he would prefer me to
3387all the women in San Francisco heʼs met, and he goes out a lot. I
3388believe him. Sam called me before he went to bed. He told me to
3389ignore his tired thoughts but I decided to do the opposite. Our tired
3390selves are perhaps the most real. We spoke  possible inventions,
3391his best being a lighter and pocket knife in one, mine being a
3392vibrator that talked to you in different ways depending on your
3393mood. I wondered what we would do with all our free time once we
3394became rich. I suggested having sex all day and he said we could
3395travel. Bit  both maybe.
3396three.) It snowed this morning. Halloween is in a few days, and
3397something is definitely in the air. Maybe itʼs just that itʼs cold. Call
3398me superstitious, but I can feel something.
3399four.) The cat has been trying harder to get in lately. It will run up to the
3400door and stick its face right where the crack is, despite a foot being
3401interjected. It makes me feel like a monster leaving it out in the cold.
3402Donʼt you have a home?
3403five.) There is a Spanish test tomorrow morning and I will most likely
3404not do well. I am not using that energy to study because I want to
3405
3406
3407relieve my stress, not exacerbate it.
3408six.) I havenʼt smoked yet. That is a thing I could try. I think I will now.
3409Rebecca, tell me the answers, he said. What is the answer? Love, I
3410said. Love.The drones  hare krishna reverberated throughout the
3411house as Sam pumped his dick in and out  my mouth. We had
3412already had a drink or two. I faintly heard my name being called and
3413then knocking. I felt like saying please no need to knock, come in. It
3414was Shayla. I invited her, so I figured it was polite to not answer in
3415the full nude. I put on my underwear and hugged her like I meant it,
3416because I did mean it. We talked about nothing in particular for
3417hours and when she left we had wild sex. The tension was building
3418throughout the night and we were much more vocally expressive
3419due to our impaired judgement. I normally find calling out each
3420otherʼs names campy, but with him it was sincere. He also called me
3421baby which would typically make me wince but paired with the
3422venerable look in his eyes, it melted me. Iʼm not done with you yet,
3423he said. Before he came, I suggested he pull my hair a bit and when
3424he did he released a torrent  heat on my back which he dutifully
3425wiped f. It was twelve-thirty and he had to be home. He hurried out,
3426leaving me blissful. I woke up hours later to realize I had left the light
3427on and that I had dreamt  being reconnected with the Dan Bailey
3428Tribe, which Iʼm pretty sure I donʼt want. Definitely sure. The
3429creative writing pressor has been snapping me a ton, whereas
3430before the message he never did.
3431A text conversation with one  my friends:
3432Iʼm not even that sore.
3433
3434
3435Damn you at it a long time
3436I meant from working out
3437Oh
3438You really only get sore if youʼre not wet enough.
3439We went to the Walden Ashram, the meditation center and chanted
3440Hare Krishna Hare Rama for what felt like forever, but in a good way.
3441Time stopped and I sang like I knew what I was singing about, which
3442was passionately. We sat on opposite sides  the room and basked
3443in the presence  the Guru. At the lunch, an old couple (most  the
3444people there were old) sat with us. I told them that I was a writer and
3445my next novel will be examining the concept  community,
3446eschewing it or embracing it. They spoke  how they met via a Guru
3447and how nothing happens  pure coincidence. Sam and I
3448exchanged glances thinking back to last night. We were watching
3449Mr. Nobody, a real trip  a film, abstract and emotionally intense
3450and everything right with the world. Thereʼs this one scene where
3451the song “where is my mind” plays on a hazy summer day, lovers
3452smoking weed and loving. There are no wrong choices. Every choice
3453is the right choice. As soon as it ended we hastily undressed on the
3454couch and just as he came, the music for the credits ended.
3455Coincidence? We sat entwined in each other in the dark room
3456kissing. I reveled in the scent  him, like spices and sweet man
3457smell.
3458A convo with Daisy more or less:
3459Samʼs really pretty normal for you, Rebecca.
3460
3461
3462He hides his insanity well. Most guys just throw their insanity around
3463like theyʼre proud  it.
3464No really.
3465He lets his freak flag fly on occasion.
3466The inherent problem in writing a memoir is knowing how much to
3467share. I donʼt want to put it all out there, but then again thatʼs
3468bullshit and I really do. Itʼs more other people than me. I could put
3469myself in jail, have a sex tape or ten. Itʼs really nothing to me. The
3470problem is in hurting people. I really donʼt want to do any more
3471damage. With this said, I will continue to write and if people really
3472care for me they wonʼt mind what I say. Kevinʼs video he sent really
3473touched me and I still check the mailbox in case he wrote a letter. In
3474the video he sang Waste by Phish. He knew exactly what he was
3475doing when he stared into the camera with those eyes and that
3476shirtless bod. Still, I am more in love with Sam than ever. He is taking
3477me out to eat tonight in Kingston and then to a football game.
3478Anyone who knows me knows I wouldnʼt go to one if I had the choice
3479but thatʼs how much I love him.
3480I tried to be social at the game
3481“Whatcha got there, whiskey?”
3482“Itʼs hot chocolate.I donʼt usually go to these things. I donʼt really
3483drink.”
3484“Yeah me neither.” Sam gives me side eye
3485
3486
3487Iʼve been telling myself Iʼve been doing too much living to bother
3488writing, but thatʼs not entirely true. Iʼve been living about a normal
3489amount and my crazy days are probably equal to most twenty
3490somethings or college students. With daylight savings time and the
3491season for seasonal depression right around the corner, I believe it
3492is more important than ever to live with intention. Am I bit hungover
3493right now? Yes. Am I still going to tramp around Brooklyn with my
3494favorite tramp Shayla? Yes. Is she probably still sleeping? Yes.
3495 Last night I went to Samʼs cousinʼs bat mitzvah in the city. I even
3496wore mascara. Among the welcomes I received were:
3497“The famous Rebecca! So we finally meet.”
3498“If you hurt my cousin I will fucking murder you.Nice to meet you.”
3499whispers to Sam “sheʼs got a rack to die for”
3500 We danced and drank and even slipped away for a bit for some
3501air. We made out passionately on a leather couch under dim
3502chandelier lights with slow oldies playing. He got an erection
3503through his dress pants and I suggested we get some more air. We
3504stepped out onto the street corner and leaning up against the
3505building he really did look like the original man. We continued to
3506make out against the building as groups  people walked by. In the
3507backseat we listened to love songs as I drifted f on his shoulder.
3508“Youʼre all Iʼll ever need” was his goodnight text to me.
3509I found a letter from Kevin on the counter this morning. One  the
3510girls must have brought it in. I skimmed it, blah blah highest
3511frequency, blah blah see you soon maybe blah blah and threw it out.
3512Well, recycled. Iʼm very sick today and though Iʼm invited, donʼt
3513
3514
3515think Iʼll attend Samʼs family and friends dinner party. I was sniffling
3516a bit yesterday in the cold  the city, but managed to walk with
3517Shayla through Williamsburg and Greenpoint. We looked through
3518the racks at Beaconʼs Closet for a while. I finally settled on a velvet
3519robe with shades  purple and a floral pattern. On the bus ride
3520there, she revealed that she wouldnʼt be coming back to New Paltz
3521after this semester. We kept asking for directions to this tea atelier
3522but never found it, despite going back and forth a few blocks. We
3523stumbled upon this seemingly empty community garden. A man was
3524nestled in the shed digging out a bottle  wine. He welcomed us
3525and poured a glass for himself. He did this stretch where he leaned
3526his torso forward at a ninety degree angle with his hands on his hips. He
3527said that college is all shit and we should just read books.
3528We were talking about abandoned mental institutions on the bus.
3529Shayla said, “You know there was this mental hospital they just let
3530all the patients out one day. They just opened the doors and they
3531walked right out.” I couldnʼt stop laughing. I was bent over on the
3532bus laughing so hard, heaving breaths in, tears running down my
3533face. I was imagining all these people like what do we do now
3534wandering f in different directions. She didnʼt get what was so
3535funny. After a while I composed myself a bit and told her how it was
3536all bullshit, the mental health system, the guidance system. When I
3537was at a very low point in high school, I destroyed the guidance
3538fice. He told me to wait there and that he had to make a call. That
3539was fine by me, as I continued to rip up pamphlets and fliers. Next
3540thing I know, Iʼm being questioned in the hospital about how Iʼm
3541feeling and I turn it on, convincing them I am completely and totally
3542fine and okay and happy. Well in that case, have a nice day and
3543
3544
3545hereʼs a subscription for anti psychotics.
3546If youʼre not creating, youʼre destroying. I read that somewhere
3547once. This past week Sam has sunken into his worst funk. He
3548wanted to drive around and have a talk last night. His distrust in me
3549isnʼt rooted in anything factual but more “a feeling” he has. It
3550doesnʼt seem like he is open to help. “Do you trust me?” I asked and
3551he said he didnʼt know. I told him heʼd have to trust me if he were to
3552be my boyfriend. I reassured him as much as I could but it was all I
3553could do to drag him out  the car and encourage him to have some
3554food, have a smoke, watch some video clips. Iʼm trying to keep
3555doing things that are good for me and not get too caught up in his
3556distress. Heʼs been punishing himself by not eating and told me he
3557needed me to make decisions for him last night. I went to yoga this
3558morning, and am trying to keep up with readings, essays. Trump is
3559president and itʼs all going to shit but there are protests and people
3560are good. I was in the school protest.I was lovely to get caught up in
3561the march chanting “ Hey hey, ho ho, Donald Trump has got to go!”
3562And “pussy grabs back!”
3563I had been saving the tab for too long. I figured last night was as
3564good as any and that the “right time” doesnʼt exist. Sam had been in
3565bed all day despite my suggestions and then punched through the
3566glass  the front door. I tried to distract myself with a dinner out
3567with Shayla, Indian restaurant. Our server had bright red dyed hair
3568and beard and it was all I could do to keep a straight face. His
3569mannerisms didnʼt help for taking him seriously. Next we headed out
3570for some lsd enhanced live music.Enhanced for me that is. My
3571friends say heʼs putting me through too much, itʼs more than I
3572should be taking on. I considered it for a second, and immediately
3573
3574
3575thought  how much I love him and eschewed the idea. He needed
3576me to come over and lie with him last night so Shayla walked me
3577over. I was the big spoon for a while until we succumbed to post sex
3578sprawl/entanglement. He thrashed mildly and mumbled “you got
3579this!”. He had a dream we were on an airplane and I ordered a
3580“monagamous meal” whatever that is. I should really start my essay.
3581I babysat the girls the other day. They are my spirit animals and their
3582mom Laurie is my idol. They live passionately and are truly free.
3583Tessa showed me her stuffed animal collection, russian doll
3584collection, art collection, collections upon collections and the piece
3585de resistance: her journal! She started illustrating her good days,
3586the days she did special things. I wish I could just live with her so I
3587wouldnʼt have to leave her ever. I would accompany her to her daily
3588activities. Okay, I do realize this is creepy but at least I acknowledge
3589it. She goes to a magical school called High Meadow where they
3590build forts and have slides built into the hill. Then she comes home
3591to her huge fluffy dog Ruby who flops over her as she calls out “Yes,
3592yes! Ruby, Yes, yes, yes, yes Ruby!” Laurie talked with me at the
3593door before I left. She was annoyed with these hippies whoʼve
3594resigned themselves to meditation and weaving. How do they
3595expect to make a difference? How can you not want to make a
3596difference? Some people, they are resigned to their small worlds. I
3597could never live small, I want to live LARGE!
3598When high, a lot  things change about sex. Some  these I know
3599may be specific to me but there must be some general overlap.
3600Firstly, everything is intensified, including the sensations, and
3601therefore the verbal expressions. We are free to make more sound
3602as we feel necessary. Sam doesnʼt feel the need to shush me as
3603
3604
3605much when heʼs high. A downside is your body may not react the
3606same way. Maybe it just takes longer but the penises and vages
3607seem to not know what they are participating in. In this case, you
3608may be dry even though you want to partake.
3609Still, Iʼm grateful I get to partake with a fun, respectful partner. Not
3610everyone is so lucky. Even the cat that has been sleeping on my bed
3611lately (Iʼve named it Poutine or Puta for short) has been frustrated. I
3612see it furiously humping my quilt for longer periods than some
3613decent sex sessions have been. Itʼs very hard to tell whether it is a
3614male or female. Iʼve checked on multiple occasions, feeling around
3615for nipples under the fur, trying to tell whether itʼs crotch was a cat
3616penis or a cat vagina. I donʼt think they look very different. It doesnʼt
3617matter much to me, Iʼm okay with Poutine being gender neutral. Itʼs
3618two-thousand-sixteen, almost two-thousand-seventeen after all. A man in a beret walked by me on the
3619street today. He had a small dog on a leash. Maybe one day I will
3620have a small dog. I donʼt think Iʼll wear berets though.
3621 Alyssaʼs sex partner has left her for another. She is so sweet and
3622loving my heart breaks for her. It reminds me  when Andrew
3623“broke up” with me. It was hardly a relationship, and yet it is all the
3624intense parts without the sweet nice things. Itʼs for emotion junkies.
3625Life junkies. I do consider myself a life junkie, I run on experiences
3626and highs. But I mean, donʼt we all? Iʼm not suggesting Iʼm any
3627different than anyone else. I really am relatively normal. From my
3628window I can see everyone going about their afternoon business. My
3629class is cancelled so Iʼve invited Sam over to fuck the sadness and
3630fear out  me. Thursdays make me the most sad I think. Everyone
3631has that one day. Soon Sam will be in LA for Thanksgiving and I will
3632be back on Long Island. Soon he will be in college and we wonʼt be
3633
3634
3635able to see each other so ten. It will be hard. At night, when the
3636windows  nearby houses are illuminated, I try to see people
3637moving, but only find empty rooms. Sometimes Iʼll see someone
3638walking but nothing too weird. Iʼm always doing weird things. If they
3639were to look in my window at any moment, theyʼd probably see me
3640trying to insert my vibrator from different angles standing up or
3641seductively dancing naked to non-sexy songs. Maybe Iʼm giving a
3642blowjob, maybe Iʼm fondling the plants. Perhaps Iʼm furiously
3643spritzing my herbal mist.
3644Walking into Cafe seventeen with Alyssa I announced that Iʼd only been there
3645with two guys, a preppy one and a trippy one. I didnʼt want to believe
3646that was the only word for a trippy person. The woman behind the
3647counter said “you mean a spunion.” We said “a what?” Spunion, ‘cuz
3648theyʼre all spun out. I told her Iʼd be using that phrase more ten. I
3649will never use that phrase.
3650Sam came over later with eighty, ninety dollars worth  weed. We smoked
3651and wrote ideas  things to do, putting them into a bowl. We
3652thought  pretending to be from out  town, looking for a small
3653man about yay big but ended up dancing for each other instead,
3654while the other chose the song and took pictures. I was alright with
3655this, but was and still am craving intense sex, possibly in an alley,
3656but the floor is alright too. He still had some cuts from the door
3657punch, mostly healed. He had burn marks from cooking, though. “I
3658think Iʼm more sly than I am.” This perfectly represents him,
3659especially today driving on the highway perfectly sober, slightly
3660swerving when he gets sidetracked, singing to Kendrick with a knee
3661bent in, his arm casually resting on it, sometimes reaching over to
3662grab my hand or my leg. We got to the Thai restaurant which was on
3663
3664
3665a one way street. The car in front  us disregarded the sign. There
3666was a cop guarding the road, waiting for people like us. He pulled up
3667slowly, lights flashing, window coming down. He wanted to know
3668what we thought we were doing but ultimately let us f the hook.
3669“Well, what do you expect us to do?” I asked. Drive around. Narc,
3670Sam says. He loves to say that. Later some motorcycles drove by
3671and while some may say I overreacted I think it was perfectly
3672reasonable given the fact that there was an inappropriately placed
3673one way street.
3674Hey fuck you, Fucking asswipe, king kunta, piece  dog shit
3675motherfucker, daddy issues!
3676Wow, where did that come from? Feisty!
3677I hate that word. I mean itʼs not like Iʼm gonna scream mother earth
3678and feel like I released something. On the ride home Sam sang
3679“Shoutout to the birthday girl say hey (hey)
3680Everyone deserves a night to play”
3681I should mention our destination was the Buddhist Monastery in
3682Carmel New York, home  the largest Buddha in the western
3683hemisphere. I was all about it, and would convert to BuJuism with
3684Sam as long as I donʼt have to give up my love for objects. Iʼve gone
3685back and forth about whether or not this desire is a good thing, but
3686ultimately desire is life and to not want things is what Iʼd imagine is
3687very similar to being dead. I want all the pillows in the downstairs
3688living room and all my decorations, my potted plants, rugs and
3689books, my Indian torans, the candle collection, crystal collection, my
3690
3691
3692velvet robes (there are two, not one too many), embroidered wall
3693hangings, and free people wishlist that goes on for s. I want a
3694bus painted with multicolor designs. This desire is increased since
3695moving to New Paltz, the van capital  the world. At any given
3696moment I can see a few vans/buses. Even now, thereʼs two!
3697Sometimes I want ten husbands. I want a lifetime supply  bath
3698bombs. I want moroccan floor poufs and lanterns and every kind 
3699flower that exists. I want more than things, though. I want to see
3700every play worth seeing, every concert and festival, and go to every
3701city worth seeing. I want love that fills me up till I could burst from it,
3702casting everything in its wake with a rosy glow. I want to leave a trail
3703 community mosaics in every community. A mosaic for every
3704community!
3705The semester is nearly over, Iʼm waiting in the library for Alyssa to
3706help with with my evolution assignments.Itʼs packed. I donʼt know
3707where to start. Itʼs hard to articulate what even is happening. Samʼs
3708been fighting with his family a lot and thereʼs nothing I can do. Heʼs
3709sad and thereʼs nothing I can do. I felt so helpless eating with him
3710yesterday at his kitchen counter, his momʼs side eating in the other
3711room in front  the TV. I canʼt drink because  the meds Iʼve been
3712taking, so I smoke. Not that I would drink much anyway. The woman
3713at the school clinic couldnʼt stress the importance  not drinking
3714enough. She did that horrible STD test where they open you up with
3715a plastic duck and stick a long swab in you and rub it around. It
3716didnʼt help that I didnʼt like the woman. I put up a big fight about the
3717vaginal invasion, and she kept asking me if I was sure I wasnʼt
3718molested. Just thinking about it now makes my legs tense up.
3719I woke up yesterday with a bruise on my inner leg. Itʼs still there, on
3720
3721
3722the right side. We tried to have sex last night after getting stoney
3723baloney in his friendʼs sauna. He saw it then. I wanted him to fuck
3724me so badly, it would make everything better. I probably shouldnʼt
3725with the infection and all, but when thereʼs a will, thereʼs a way. He
3726said something like I would never do this to you. Who did this to
3727you? It seemed he was only half joking.
3728Just as my relationship with the cat was at an all time high, the
3729landlord came in. I was scrolling through lingerie pictures and Jo
3730was getting high in the other room. I heard a deep voice call out
3731hello, all accusatory. My first thought was Kevin. The landlord
3732demanded I come downstairs.
3733“Whatʼs the cat doing on the couch?”
3734“I had nothing to do with it.”
3735“I saw u let it in.”
3736“It wonʼt happen again.”
3737“If it does, you will be fined.”
3738“I understand.”
3739“I donʼt think you do understand. I donʼt want to be the bad guy here
3740but here I am being the bad guy. That catʼs a mooch, itʼs always
3741been a mooch and it always will be. It just takes what it wants
3742without any concern for anyone else.” I could see this was personal
3743so I didnʼt object. He said he would be back, and shut the door.
3744Maybe a minute later someone walked in and I figured it was the
3745
3746
3747people on the other side  the house. “The landlord got really upset
3748about the cat like really upset.”
3749“Itʼs me. Iʼm still here.”
3750For our liberating action project in womenʼs studies, Nik Olette and I
3751will be having a
3752“Sex positive discussion from a progressive perspective”
3753We will be highlighting how sex is taught to us from a
3754heteronormative patriarchal perspective. We want to create a place
3755where people can share their experiences and how we can liberate
3756ourselves from it. We aim to make this a club that meets once a
3757week or so. Come out to our first meeting to give it a taste and see if
3758you want to join us weekly the rest  next semester!
3759In one bit  my dream I was walking around campus, looking for this
3760magical place a friend told me to meet. I never ended up finding the
3761place but there was a bridge on the end  campus that would
3762apparently lead me there. I supposedly had walked by it, just like
3763that. I imagined the place to be like the sun drenched walkways from
3764colonial Williamsburg, a beacon  hope for my tweleve year old mind. It
3765was a very industrial looking bridge, only for walking. I started
3766walking it.
3767In the other part I was walking back to my apartment with this
3768handsome guy. As soon as I opened the door, he started kissing me
3769passionately, pressing me up against the wall. I figured this would
3770lead to more, but we looked on my side  the house and there were
3771people in the living room. On the other side there were people too. I
3772
3773
3774donʼt know why we found this so horrible but we decided we
3775absolutely couldnʼt have sex any more. He went his way and I went
3776mine. Why did we care so much about those people?
3777You must promise not to break, no matter how far you are bent. This
3778is what college has proven to be. Finals are here and my morning
3779mantras have changed from youʼre awesome to you donʼt suck,
3780youʼre not miserable, youʼre more than a number. Iʼm really not
3781miserable but I have reason to be. Last night was another party. I
3782socialized for as long as I could and then retreated upstairs to wind
3783down. I was kept awake by sporadic shrieks, a clear indicator 
3784forced fun.I would fall asleep to the lull  marijuana and magnesium
3785powder in my veins and delta wave music playing from my phone
3786only to be woken up by another shriek. Mind you, I rarely shriek even
3787in the throes  ecstasy, so this was definitely excessive shrieking. I
3788woke up this morning, determined to not fail Spanish and
3789Geography, determined to speak my mind. I know I am over
3790caffeinated, judging by the way my fingers quiver over the keys
3791when I hesitate. I need to do schoolwork, but first this. I am more
3792than a machine cranking out assignment after assignment. I donʼt
3793memorize only to regurgitate. I conveyed this to my Spanish class,
3794to the dismay/ disregard  everyone. I had previously spoken with
3795an “advisor” who scfed at my major  Womenʼs Studies. Who
3796scfs? What are you gonna do with that? (A lot actually.) Better
3797start looking for tiny homes. Thatʼs all youʼll afford. They got em
3798right f the highway.
3799Johnʼs girlfriend had been cheating on him nearly the whole time.
3800He needs support. I am barely able to provide any. He sent me this
3801photo  a squirrel with the caption:
3802
3803
3804You swerve to avoid a squirrel. Unknown to you, the squirrel pledges
3805a life debt to you. In your darkest hour, the squirrel arrives.
3806I respond: OMG I totally get it! Which one  us is the squirrel?
3807Him: Neither  us is the squirrel.
3808Another night, the drunken howling continues from downstairs. I
3809had a nice time getting high and watching college road trip wit the
3810girls. It took my mind f what Sam said earlier. We went for a hike,
3811driving around for a while looking for a parking spot. We passed by
3812this yard  beautifully shaped tree trunks as a sculpture garden.
3813“All roads lead to the right road” I said, looking over at him to find
3814him smiling at me. He asked me if I ever thought I was too
3815extroverted for my own good. I could have taken this as an insult,
3816but instead thought for a second before saying, “I believe it brings
3817more good than bad.” I shaved this morning, hoping it would
3818superstitiously lead to sex. He didnʼt want to, he felt too conflicted
3819about wanting to “see what else is out there”. Thereʼs a friend  his,
3820a virgin. Sheʼs never smoked weed. They both want each other. As
3821he buried his head in his arms in conflict, all curled up inside himself,
3822I announced that we are free and stood up with my back to the cliff,
3823arms spread wide. I lost my balance, but regained it quickly. He
3824hasnʼt met my dad yet or my sister and may not even come visit me
3825over break.
3826I made an account on the website “seeking arrangement” for kicks
3827and also because I feel poor. Nothingʼs come  it and Iʼm planning
3828on deleting it. Itʼs a bunch  old dudes looking for more than Iʼm
3829willing to give. The one guy who said fifteen-thousand a month allowance
3830
3831
3832never responded. Last night I went to Samʼs momʼs for brisket. It
3833was delish and conversing with his folks was easy. He told me he
3834wanted to “show me something” in his room. It was a little ceramic
3835doll he accidentally broke. He said he had exorcised its demons and
3836they now lived within him. He fucked me after that. It seems I
3837havenʼt been as wet lately. This is upsetting, because I am very
3838sexually attracted to him and the moment where he tries to fit it in
3839makes me feel strange. Still, we persevered. We even tried this
3840position where I was holding myself up on the windowsill and he
3841held my legs. I bled quite a lot, and he was concerned that he was
3842hurting me. I insisted he wasnʼt and that I was expecting my period. I
3843didnʼt bleed today. Hopefully tomorrow.
3844Jasper is home for break. I was very nervous before seeing him, as
3845Iʼm sure he was with me. Worst case scenario I imagined us fighting
3846about my current relationship, how I didnʼt want to have sex with
3847him today. He picked me up and we drove to Rosendale to this place
3848Mkt. He seemed a bit tired, but still his cheerful self. He had deep
3849creases between his brows, probably from late nights writing
3850essays. His hair was wild like I remember it. I broached the question
3851in the car. Itʼs so easy to talk about difficult things in cars, not
3852looking at each other. I asked him what it was about Sam that he
3853didnʼt like. Jasper likes everyone. I admitted that I was, in fact,
3854dating Sam. He makes me happy and that is a good thing. Jasper
3855thinks Sam is creepy, sad. I told him that heʼs changed, even since I
3856met him. I ordered a seven dollar salad, asking for a student discount
3857with a wink. I complimented the waitressʼs shirt and told her that
3858she seems cool. She granted me the discount, kind soul. We went
3859back to my place for tea and cookies. His desire was palpable. I gave
3860
3861
3862in to a few kisses and canʼt deny I felt something. Still, I kept it at
3863that. Iʼm so tired from being awake today, thinking about everything,
3864but I promised Shayla I would have dinner with her. Also there is a
3865party I want to go to with Alyssa and then a drag show at midnight. I
3866donʼt think Iʼll have the stamina. I shouldnʼt even be going to the
3867school anyway. Everyoneʼs sick with mumps.
3868The party was intimate, set in a tiny old apartment next to campus.
3869We played “Most Likely To” and “Never Have I Ever”. I pretended to
3870have not done certain things, but the truth has a way  coming out.
3871I am presently preparing for my womenʼs studies liberating action
3872talk on sex. Iʼm placating my nerves not with alcohol, no, no, but
3873with bad Beyonce covers. I plan to use some  these for my intro
3874dance. I have a few notes, but mainly plan on wingin it.
3875The talk went well. My friends Shayla, Rachel, and Alyssa were
3876there. Nicki invited everyone on her friends list. Maybe fifteen people. A
3877middle aged woman came and sat in the back, saying nothing the
3878whole time. The guests trickled in as I practiced my dance intro to
3879Rachelʼs spectacular piano. I want to learn to play the piano again.
3880Itʼs so soulful, sensual. Everyone was very open minded, though I
3881wanted to object to the idea that a man canʼt do things for a woman.
3882 course he can, and the imbalance  power isnʼt necessarily bad.
3883It is natural and inevitable. Sam found out about the talk through one
3884 his friends. He was hurt, and though I told him the talk was really
3885nothing, he went on to have a dream I was fucking a boy from town,
3886Karma Lama. I have no interest in this guy other than his name and
3887Iʼve told Sam this on many an occasion. What it comes down to is
3888trust. We sit on the couch, drinking tea, and I ask him to tell me
3889anything. He doesnʼt and after a while, I bring the conversation to
3890
3891
3892the amount I talk to my mom. Itʼs too much. I know. Codependence,
3893even. We were going to go to a meeting or something. But then she
3894says we donʼt need to because I need her and she needs me. Sam
3895laughs at this one, a sexy man laugh, and then we kiss, really kiss,
3896and I forget everything. I straddled him, grabbing his face in my
3897hands, rocking with him. We grow short  breath, when he
3898suggests we go upstairs. The thought had barely occurred to me
3899and I agree. I throw myself on the bed, propping myself up, mouth
3900waiting, expecting. I try to meet his eyes.They were elsewhere,
3901brooding.
3902“Hey whatʼs up?”
3903“Just thinking.” He removes his clothes painstakingly slow. But then
3904he is upon me, and there is nothing else I could ever want. My
3905wetness is back to usual. Afterward, I rushed us out, me to my class
3906review session, him to his schoolwork. He smiled when I mentioned
3907the size  Jasperʼs penis. Everyone says I should break up with him.
3908He does cause me some distress, but I know itʼs worth it. No one
3909else could possibly know because I save my secret smiles for when I
3910think no one is looking.
3911In between finals, I have a lot  free time to be studying. We all do.
3912At first this made me a bit sad, thinking  the hours stretching out
3913in this tiny house without much weed, alcohol, or barbiturates. My
3914first one is tomorrow, Spanish. I should definitely be studying, but I
3915just canʼt bring myself to do it. Besides, there is so much to say.
3916Sam winks much more when heʼs drunk. I find it incredibly
3917charming, especially paired with the sentence “My uncle can get us
3918
3919
3920in free to Gov Ball.” We were in his uncleʼs house for the family latke
3921party. It was very extravagant, catered with much more alcohol than
3922was necessary. The house had three fireplaces, built in speakers, the
3923largest TV Iʼd ever seen, and a curved staircase that could be walked
3924under. Everyone wanted to know how the college hunt was going.
3925He got nearly one hundred thousand dollar scholarships to every school he applied to.
3926Heʼs the complete opposite  me at that age, driven, full  plans.
3927Iʼve never wanted someone more.
3928As a child, I had an unusual case  nostalgia. For the “Colonial
3929Days”, the Industrial Revolution, the time  the French Revolution.
3930This could be due to several factors including early exposure to Les
3931Mis, a desire to escape, and an obsession with American Girl doll
3932books. I would break down into these full body racking sobs on my
3933parents bed, inconsolable. But for what? Something simpler
3934perhaps? I felt burdened by what expected  me, technology and
3935all. Now I am unburdened, free.
3936Ryan told me he was on a date the other night. Tonight: “Weʼre
3937getting married!” I thought he would never do such a thing. The
3938commune must have changed him. Upon hearing this information, I
3939 immediately devoured the last pot brownie I was saving for Rachel
3940from English. I then went on to smoke a bowl. All I can do at this
3941moment is write. I mean itʼs not like my whole world has changed. It
3942hasnʼt. See, Iʼm in my bed, typing, high, things are normal. “But
3943guess whoʼs gonna be back on the east coast tonight!” All I could
3944say was why and that I was happy for him. I am. Alyssa is thinking 
3945taking a year f to travel and work. This morning I woke up feeling
3946amazing. Must be the weed. I then went on to get caught in an
3947internet vortex where I stumbled upon a movie about a modern day
3948
3949
3950witch and clips about sex dolls and abduction fantasies. I am so
3951sexually frustrated. Iʼm on my period. I wish I could just wish him
3952here and he would be here. Iʼm sure heʼs swamped with work, he
3953always is. The other night he brought up how Iʼm ready for more
3954than he is. I admitted if it were up to me Iʼd like to be sleeping with
3955him more ten, if not living together. We would still do our own
3956things, but how nice it would be to feel his arms around me in the
3957morning and see his peaceful face, still heavy with sleep. I canʼt rush
3958it though. Me and my love, weʼre taking it slow.
3959 Sam:
3960 Listened to a friends story
3961 Feel like they were talking about me
3962 But who knows
3963 Me: what did they say?
3964Sam: "He's all this shit. And I'm like what the fuck are you. He
3965watches anime & loves Kendrick Lamar."
3966Me: that could be anyone
3967 and like u donʼt even watch anime do u?
3968 or not that much
3969Sam:
3970 I don't watch anime
3971Me:
3972 def not u
3973Sam:
3974 But it was weird bc it was jasper talking so i thought it could be
3975Me:
3976 hater
3977
3978
3979 fuck haters
3980Sam:
3981 Did you see him yet since he got back?
3982Me::
3983 yea i tried to tell you
3984 it was just lunch
3985 he tried to kiss me even when i said i was with you and didnʼt
3986want to
3987 it was a bit odd but he seems to be doing well
3988 he probably wants me to want him the way i want you
3989 please donʼt think this is me hiding things from you
3990 i mean think whatever you think
3991Heʼs typing. Oh god. Heʼs making a megillah I know it. He knows itʼs
3992talking about him now because I saw Jasper recently and he keeps
3993watching it again and again.
3994He said something along the lines  “I hope when you tell people
3995about us you tell them the truth that you were cheating, compulsive
3996lying, sex addict.” It ends. Iʼm free. Ryan isnʼt getting married, it was
3997a joke! Sam has set me free! Happy days are ahead!
3998Iʼm sitting at my desk with a spoon in my mouth. It is not a pleasant
3999feeling. I have nowhere to put it, though, because there is no bowl
4000for my soup. I couldnʼt even be bothered to put it in a bowl. Itʼs still in
4001the pot, on my desk. The semesterʼs over and Iʼm going home
4002tomorrow. Well, first Iʼll make a quick pit stop in Connecticut
4003because Ryanʼs home for Christmas and Iʼm so excited to hear all
4004about life on the commune and also get fucked in the way that only
4005he can. Oh, this soup is so vile. It is all I have to eat though. Soon the
4006
4007
4008girls will be here and we can do whatever we want. Honestly, Iʼd
4009really like to hook up with Alyssa. We had this moment today when
4010she said I was the prettiest person she knew and touched my face.
4011She also recalled in detail the previous nightʼs adventures, including
4012her friend Duncan twisting her braids around his hand as he kissed
4013her passionately. V erotic. I canʼt wait to be out  this house, I feel
4014as if Iʼm losing my mind. I have now altogether eschewed the spoon
4015and am sipping from the pot like a nutjob. Maybe when itʼs empty I
4016will put it on my head and parade about.
4017No one was home last night. Naomi was at a party and mom and Dad
4018went into the city to meet friends for dinner. Iʼd been wanting to see
4019John and figured we could commiserate over lost love and creative
4020insecurity. He was fixing up one  his tattoos that looked to me like
4021those onion sprouts or garlic with the scapes attached. When he
4022finished I suggested he do a tiny one on me. I wanted it to say
4023babushka in caps under my boob with a curve. It came out a bit
4024bigger than I would have liked, but still, itʼs perfect. He was so lovely,
4025fiddling around on the keyboard. I told him he could be a true jazz
4026pianist. “Oh, it takes a real ear to hear the jazz in this.” I was giddy
4027from the wine and the weed and the sweet sex. We talked for a while
4028about our respective relationships. He recalled certain memorable
4029dates. “She first started eating my ass on June twentyeighth, it was a sunny
4030Thursday.” Today it is a Saturday. I havenʼt been doing much and am
4031getting a bit restless. Itʼs raining outside and tonight is the first night
4032 Hanukkah. Itʼs also Christmas eve. I was listening to a holiday
4033playlist but it didnʼt quite fit. Now Iʼm listening to “Closing Time”.
4034Perfect. Spotify tells me Sam is listening to “I Got the Keys” by DJ
4035Kahled. Every new beginning comes from some other beginningʼs
4036
4037
4038end. Something tells me this beginning doesnʼt involve me selling
4039my soul to an insecure, controlling overlord. I can learn to enjoy my
4040own company a bit more. After all, “boredom” isnʼt so bad. It usually
4041creates the best ideas.
4042In my dream Samʼs family showed up at a party I was attending.
4043Each member individually spoke to me. His brother gave me a bottle
4044 pills and told me that he hoped I would get the help I need. Sam
4045gave me a twizzler and showed me the video it contained. I was
4046giving Jasper a quick kiss in my room. First  all I told him I hated
4047twizzlers and that we are ignoring the real problem here and that is
4048the fact that he needs to be filming me when he isnʼt there. “That
4049isnʼt  concern” was all he said.
4050Iʼm going to Johnʼs house soon. Iʼm trying not to think too much,
4051despite Naomi saying itʼs weird that weʼre still friends. Meghan also
4052doesnʼt approve but she doesnʼt approve  any men really. She
4053 doesnʼt want him at the New Yearʼs party. I could go with John
4054instead to some Brooklyn warehouse party but I donʼt know. It really
4055doesnʼt matter. When Shayla came over today she almost let slip
4056that I got the tattoo but quickly covered her tracks. My parents went
4057on and on about how the lead gets into the bloodstream and
4058destroys your organs. I just nodded vigorously in agreement. I was
4059planning on driving to New Paltz tonight to water a few  my plants
4060and then come back tomorrow. Driving six hours to water three plants
4061may seem ridiculous to some but I love those plants with all my
4062heart, they are good friends. Mom thinks I should hold f until
4063tomorrow and drive up with her.
4064I drove up with her. Long car rides are good times to unload baggage
4065
4066
4067on your fellow person in the car with you. I told her about the tattoo,
4068and about how the first time I got with John I suggested we watch a
4069specific porn and then we sat on opposite sides  the futon. I told
4070her about how I slowly brought my foot to his crotch region. We
4071talked about Sam and how I miss him. She thinks my type is the
4072needy addict but have since come to the realization that everyone is
4073in fact needy and an addict. Tonightʼs New Years. Iʼll probably go
4074over to Meghanʼs and we can do karaoke and dance around a bit. It
4075will be alright. I wonʼt go trip on mushrooms with John in some park,
4076any park, anywhere, and then decide it is the perfect time to have
4077sex even though it is cold out. We wonʼt drive back to his house and
4078then play music, him on guitar or piano -I havenʼt decided which yetand
4079me singing. We wonʼt eventually fall asleep with our legs
4080entwined, a perfect amount  entwined.
4081He did acid with his friends in Bushwick, I stayed with Meghanʼs
4082gang and smoked. We sang and danced and he went to a party 
4083yoga people. He came home on the train today and asked me to pick
4084him up. I declined in favor  taking a walk with Mom and Dad, then
4085watching a French film. We decided to meet up later. It is later and
4086weʼre not meeting up. I played it f like it was totally fine but I so
4087want to see him. More than see, but Iʼd settle for just seeing if it
4088came down to that. The film was about an unhealthy relationship
4089that reminded me  Kevin. We sent each other the kiss emoji at
4090midnight last night. It was stupid, but I did it and I donʼt know why.
4091The man in the film was unstable, he said things like “I do what I
4092want” and was overly expressive in public places. I guess I didnʼt
4093have to take responsibility when I was hanging out with a mad man. I
4094wish the prospect werenʼt still so appealing. Itʼs John I want. John
4095
4096
4097who is rational and kind, who kisses me on the neck and
4098immediately apologises, despite us recently having vigorous sex.
4099John is smart. John is my friend. He isnʼt my boyfriend.
4100Heʼs been more distant since I asked to kiss. He said he needs to
4101“situate his life first”. Itʼs okay though. I just got back from Boston
4102and had an amazing time with Roz. We went to that club we love and
4103danced among the rowdy crowd. We even got near the stripper pole
4104for a bit though neither  us knew what to do with it. These men
4105started dancing with us and one  them was groping me saying
4106“kiss me” and when i leaned away he proceeded to shove his tongue
4107in my mouth. We pushed them away and I eventually danced with
4108this cute french black guy. He was a good kisser. He told me what a
4109great dancer I was and stayed with us until our uber arrived. Turns
4110out the guy who tried to kiss me was in our car with us! At least he
4111stayed quiet.
4112 The next day we met up with her friend at this cafe near her house.
4113We talked about everything including why Roz doesnʼt feel turned
4114on so much anymore, what the birth control felt like when she was
4115on it, nothing particularly sexy though Harrison couldnʼt help but
4116adjust his pants two or three times during the discussion, calling me
4117a “temptress”. I responded to that by calling out “Burn the witch!
4118Burn the witch!” He got so flustered, saying how we were in a nice
4119family place.
4120 I sent Ryan a message and he responded with one  our earliest
4121texts he saved. Heʼs throwing a gangbang and wanted me to apply
4122so I mentioned the things I would bring to it, mainly my Dirndl and
4123general enthusiasm. He responded that I was “such a winner.” I want
4124
4125
4126to see him so badly I can hardly stand it. I just want to run up to him
4127and jump into his arms as he laughs and swings me around. When I
4128went to visit him we had sex for a decent amount  time, maybe a
4129half hour. Four hours is something you build up to. When I finished I
4130rolled around in the bed giggling as is customary for me and gazing
4131into the eyes  my lover. He responded with “Youʼre looking at me
4132like you love me so stop.” That hurt at first, so I brushed it f as
4133“just the hormones”. He shows me affection in other ways though
4134and makes up for it. I really want to do grad school in San Francisco.
4135I observed a very disturbing conversation on the ferry ride there and
4136felt compelled to write it down. It was an old woman and her
4137daughter talking. It started with the daughter asking if the mom
4138wanted a grilled cheese.
4139“Whatever you say”
4140The daughter responded with a rant which I caught parts .
4141“Selective dementia...borderline pathetic...threshold for shutting
4142down...lazy...slippery slope...I force myself to go out every day, I
4143donʼt enjoy it. Iʼd rather stay in bed...Walk the halls five times a day
4144help you sleep better at night.”
4145I also witnessed a toddler boy screaming “no” repeatedly
4146throughout the voyage along with a shaking woman with a sickly
4147pallor chewing something, maybe a muffin, crumbs crumbling out
4148each time her head quivered. There was also a chubby boy who
4149stuck a lollipop in his mouth and pulled it out clean, chewing the
4150candy whole.
4151
4152
4153Sam sent a snap last night  his torso, only his dick covered by a
4154shampoo bottle with a caption along the lines  “doing better than
4155ever, working on myself”. I wonʼt respond. I admit I drunk texted him
4156the other day that I missed him but I wonʼt respond. I donʼt need
4157him.
4158Shayla and I went to the velvet lounge for their open mic. We met
4159Meghan there, and Ali, and John. The nearby Whole Foods was our
4160choice for dinner despite it being expensive.. We were determined
4161to get our moneyʼs worth, and stole a few pastries from the case.
4162(shaylaʼs idea) One  them had a lot  caramel in it and was very
4163hard to hide despite our best efforts. Turns out I was walking around
4164with a string  caramel dangling from a body part for a while before
4165Shayla noticed.
4166At the lounge, I did a spoken word piece f the cuff. I thought it
4167would be a practice for life. Shayla gave me some ideas I didnʼt use
4168including “I know what youʼre thinking, donʼt think that” and “Iʼd
4169usually go into a detailed account  my most recent sexual
4170endeavor but...heʼs here”. Instead I talked about falling in love “too
4171fast”, being an “addict”, enjoying the present. I talked about what it
4172means to be prepared for anything. I got my portrait done by this
4173irish looking dude named James. I also got his number. We lamented
4174the fact that there was no velvet at the lounge but also raved about
4175the atmosphere. We told each other nearly all the things we like. We
4176would have periods  silence until one  us remembered a thing
4177and then weʼd say “Oh, reading, I really like to read.” or something
4178like that.
4179Heʼs an art teacher and is in a soul band. Iʼd go to one  his next
4180
4181
4182shows but my family will be in Virginia for a Maggie Rogers concert.
4183That was a wild trip, mainly peaceful but there were a few moments
4184 tension. After the Thomas Jefferson house tour I was prancing
4185about the fields when it was time to take a picture. I did my speed
4186walk across the lawn when Naomi made some negative comment
4187about my style  walking. I fired back that no one likes to be around
4188a judgemental person.
4189 “Oh, but you make it so easy”, she said.
4190“Time to get a new personality.” I muttered under my breath. And
4191then there was our mom saying, “Stand close for the photo!”
4192It all seemed trivial in the glow  Maggie. She was otherworldly, but
4193down to earth, humble, but captivating. I danced the whole time. For
4194the last song a redhead guy came up to me asking to dance. I said
4195sure, basically just dancing near him as opposed to with him but he
4196asked for my info. I declined, but he persisted saying,
4197“Well, Iʼm the only Keegan Alexander Thomas on Facebook.” After
4198looking him up, I found each picture to be more horrifying than the
4199next. He was a fan  conventions. Lightsaber conventions, animal
4200costume conventions, others which I couldnʼt quite tell the theme
4201but I am sure they wouldnʼt be places Iʼd feel comfortable. I feel
4202comfortable in most places. Momʼs short friend Ella pushed her way
4203to the front and was taking tons  pictures. She and my mom were
4204definitely the only ones over thirty let alone fifty. Ella is in the midst 
4205divorcing her husband and seems to be desperate in her methods 
4206making money, or living in general. Over a Whole Foods muffin she
4207conveyed her options, including selling her Pinterest  (not a
4208
4209
4210legitimate option), converting her house into a commune, and
4211moving to Spain.
4212My mom thinks I say too much. We had an argument about this, her
4213saying how Dad thinks so too. Apparently I said something at the
4214drugstore about past relationships and I embarrassed him. She also
4215suggested I not publish this book because it may not be how I want
4216to represent myself. She thinks I should keep it to myself. This
4217frustrated me because I feel I should represent myself the way I
4218want, and that is authentically. She calls it oversharing, I call it
4219helping people feel less alone.
4220Iʼm back in New Paltz now and the protest marches for Trump are
4221happening everywhere. My mom and dad are at one though Naomi
4222and I both declined. I guess I was just ready for some peace and
4223alone time. I go crazy around people twenty-four-seven. Even just now I had to
4224pretend to want to sleep so Liam would leave. Thatʼs my go to move.
4225Liams great and we had a great time lying in bed listening to music,
4226talking, tripping. I know he would have stayed with me all day. Will I
4227ever meet my match? Do I even want to?
4228It was the first real day back for me so I agreed to go out with Daisy
4229and her friends. We took vodka shots and lounged around peopleʼs
4230houses before moving on to the next. Daisy was the only one who
4231couldnʼt sit still. She paced and twerked, gyrating in her plaid skirt
4232for the back to school theme. We shared our dreams in the way that
4233only drunk people sitting on a couch next to each other can. One
4234girl, Connie, slurred how she thought I was very cool since the first
4235time she saw me at the lingerie party. I replied that I never wore that
4236lingerie set otherwise but she grabbed my hand and as we walked to
4237
4238
4239the next place she let go saying “Do you ever just feel happy?” like it
4240was some elusive concept. I said yes, I know the feeling.
4241Samʼs listening to “Main Chick” by Kid Ink on Spotify. Now I am too. I
4242wonder if he still follows me on Spotify. I wonder how ten he thinks
4243 me. I was listening to Where is My Mind before hand and couldn't
4244help crying. My eyes are still moist, but dry enough to type. I invited
4245this guy Evan over to smoke/ whatever. Heʼs really into me. I met him
4246that night with Daisyʼs friends. A car just pulled up slowly. Itʼs
4247probably him. Oh god, hope I donʼt get all my sadness over him. Or
4248maybe we can be sad together. His instagram is sadboi after all.
4249“But most girls donʼt like sex.”
4250“Who are these girls? Youʼre just hanging around the wrong girls.”
4251“Apparently!” He flicked some blue hair out  his eyes. He didnʼt
4252know what to do with his hands so I told him just go with your
4253intuition. We got high with Jo in the next room, such a good friend.
4254She told me I should get my credits figured out because there is no
4255need for me to be taking african music and dance and also
4256philosophy and morality and another english. I felt stupid as I said
4257that my mom told me to. Iʼm talking to Cookie now. Sheʼs telling me
4258in grandmotherly voice that I need to look at my emails.
4259Jo must have heard my moaning as Evan went down on me like a
4260pro. I kept it to a low moan but Evan thought I was being loud.
4261“You can make me quiet if you want.”
4262“How? My hand canʼt reach from down here.”
4263
4264
4265“If you want it bad enough, youʼll figure it out.” I said this with a
4266smirk.
4267So why do you call yourself sadboy?
4268I get my hopes up.
4269So youʼre idealistic
4270I guess
4271Itʼs good to be idealistic! You have to be idealistic!