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1    
2 	 
3  	Identical
4 	Ellen Hopkins
5 	 
6 	 Raeanne
7 	 Mirror, Mirror
8 	 
9 	 When I look into a mirror, it is her face I see.
10 	 Her right is my left, double
11 	 moles, dimple and all.
12 	 My right is her left, unblemished.
13 	 **
14 	 We are exact opposites, opposites
15 	 Kaeleigh and me.
16 	 Mirror-image identical
17 	 twins. One egg, one sperm, one zygote, divided, sharing one complete
18 	 set of genetic markers.
19 	 **
20 	 On the outside we are the same. But not
21 	 inside. I think she is the egg, so much like our mother it makes me want to sere
22 	 Cold.
23 	 Controlled.
24 	 That makes me the sperm,
25 	 I guess. I take completely after our father.
26 	 2
27 	 All Daddy, that's me.
28 	 Codependent.
29 	 Cowardly.
30 	 **
31 	 Good, bad. Left, right.
32 	 Kaeleigh and Raeanne.
33 	 One egg, one sperm.
34 	 One being, split in two.
35 	 And how many
36 	 souls?
37 	 3
38 	 
39 	 
40 	 
41 	 Interesting Question
42 	 
43 	 Don't you think?
44 	 I mean, if the Supreme
45 	 Being inserts a single soul at the moment of conception, does that essence divide
46 	 itself? Does each half then
47 	 strive to become whole
48 	 again, like a starfish or an earthworm?
49 	 **
50 	 Or might the soul clone itself, create a perfect imitation of something yet to be
51 	 defined? In this way, can a reflection be altered?
52 	 **
53 	 Or does the Maker, in fact, choose to place two
54 	 separate souls within a single cell, to spark the skirmish that ultimately
55 	 causes such an unlikely rift?
56 	 **
57 	 Do twins begin in the womb?
58 	 Or in a better place?
59 	 4
60 	 
61 	 
62 	 
63 	 One Soul or Two
64 	 
65 	 We live in a smug California
66 	 valley. Rolling ranch land, surrounded by shrugs of oak-jeweled hills.
67 	 Green for two brilliant
68 	 months sometime around spring, burnt-toast brown the rest of the year.
69 	 **
70 	 Just over an unremarkable mountain
71 	 stretches the endless Pacific.
72 	 Mornings here come wrapped in droops of gray mist.
73 	 Most days it burns off by noon.
74 	 Other days it just hangs on and on. Smothers like a wet blanket.
75 	 **
76 	 Three towns triangulate the valley, three corners, each with a unique flavor:
77 	 weathered Old West; antiques and wine tasting; just-off-the-freeway boring.
78 	 **
79 	 Smack in the center is the town
80 	 where we live, and it is the most
81 	 unique of all, with its windmills and cobbled sidewalks, designed to carry tourists to Denmark.
82 	 Denmark, California-style.
83 	 5
84 	 The houses line smooth black
85 	 streets, prim rows of postcard-pretty dwellings, coiffed and manicured from curb to chimney. Like Kaeleigh and me, they're perfect on the outside. But behind the Norman Rockwell facades, each holds its secrets.
86 	 **
87 	 Like Kaeleigh's and mine, some are dark. Untellable.
88 	 Practically unbelievable.
89 	 6
90 	 
91 	 
92 	 
93 	 But Telling
94 	 
95 	 Isn't an option.
96 	 If you tell a secret about someone
97 	 you don't really know
98 	 other people might
99 	 listen, but decide you're
100 	 making it up. Even if you
101 	 happen to know for a fact
102 	 it's true.
103 	 If you tell a secret about a friend, other people
104 	 want to hear
105 	 all of it, prologue to epilogue. But then they
106 	 think
107 	 you're totally messed up for telling it in the first place. They
108 	 think
109 	 they can't trust you.
110 	 And hey, they probably
111 	 can't. Once a nark, always a nark, you
112 	 know?
113 	 7
114 	 
115 	 
116 	 
117 	 
118 	 
119 	 Kaeleigh
120 	 
121 	 
122 	 
123 	 
124 	 I Wish I Could Tell
125 	 
126 	 But to whom could
127 	 I possibly confess a secret, any secret? Not to my mom, who's never around. A time or two, I've begged her to listen, to give me just a few
128 	 precious minutes between campaign swings. Of course
129 	 it's true the wrong secret could take her down, but you'd think she'd
130 	 want to hear
131 	 it. I mean, what if she had to defend it? Really, you'd
132 	 think
133 	 
134 	 she'd want to be forewarned, in case the
135 	 International Inquisitor
136 	 
137 	 got hold of it. Does she think
138 	 this family has no secrets?
139 	 The clues are everywhere, whether or not she wants to know.
140 	 8
141 	 
142 	 
143 	 
144 	 There's Daddy
145 	 
146 	 Who comes
147 	 home every
148 	 day, dives
149 	 straight into a tall amber
150 	 bottle, falls into a stone-
151 	 walled well of silence, a place where he can tread the suffocating loneliness.
152 	 On the surface, he's a proud
153 	 man. But just beneath his not-
154 	 so-thick skin, is a broken soul.
155 	 In his courtroom, he's a tough but evenhanded jurist, respected
156 	 if not particularly well liked. At
157 	 home, he doesn't try to disguise his bad habits, has no friends, a tattered
158 	 family. A part of me despises him, what he's done. What he continues to do. Another part pities him and will always be his little girl, his devoted, copper-haired daughter.
159 	 His unfolding flower. But enough about Daddy, who most definitely
160 	 has plenty of secrets. Secrets Mom
161 	 should want to know about. Secrets
162 	 I should tell, but instead tuck away.
163 	 Because if I tell on him, I'd have to...
164 	 9
165 	 
166 	 
167 	 
168 	 Tell on Me
169 	 
170 	 How I'm a total
171 	 wreck. Afraid to let anyone near.
172 	 Afraid they'll see the real me, not
173 	 Kaeleigh at all.
174 	 **
175 	 I do have friends, but they don't know
176 	 me, only someone
177 	 I've created to take
178 	 my place. Someone
179 	 sculpted from ice.
180 	 **
181 	 I keep the melted
182 	 me bottled up inside. Where no
183 	 one can touch
184 	 until, unbidden, she comes pouring out.
185 	 **
186 	 She puddles then, upon fear-trodden
187 	 ground. I am always
188 	 afraid, and I am vague about why. My life
189 	 isn't so awful. Is it?
190 	 10
191 	 
192 	 
193 	 
194 	 We Live in a Fine Home
195 	 
196 	 With lots of beautiful stuff--
197 	 fine leather sofas and oiled
198 	 **
199 	 teak tables and expensive
200 	 artwork on walls and shelves.
201 	 **
202 	 Of course, someone used to such things might wonder
203 	 **
204 	 why there are no family
205 	 photos anywhere. It's almost
206 	 **
207 	 like we're afraid of ourselves.
208 	 And maybe we are, and not
209 	 **
210 	 only ourselves, but whatever
211 	 history created us. There are no
212 	 **
213 	 albums, with pictures of graying
214 	 grandparents, or pony rides
215 	 **
216 	 (never done one of those) or memorable Gardella family parties.
217 	 **
218 	 (The Gardellas don't do parties, not even on holidays.)
219 	 **
220 	 No first communions or christening
221 	 gowns. (We don't do church, either.)
222 	 11
223 	 Of course, no one ever comes
224 	 over, so no one has ever wondered
225 	 **
226 	 about these things, unless it's our
227 	 housekeeper, Manuela. Have to have
228 	 **
229 	 one of those, since Mom's never home and Daddy often works late, and even
230 	 **
231 	 if he didn't, he wouldn't clean house or go to the grocery store. Normal
232 	 **
233 	 parents do those things, right? I'm
234 	 not sure what normal is or isn't.
235 	 12
236 	 
237 	 
238 	 
239 	 But it Really
240 	 
241 	 Doesn't matter. Normal is what's normal for me.
242 	 I've got nice clothes,
243 	 **
244 	 nicer than most. Pricey
245 	 things that other girls would
246 	 kill for, or shoplift, if they
247 	 **
248 	 could get away with it.
249 	 I have a room of my own, decorated to my taste
250 	 **
251 	 (okay, with a lot of Daddy's
252 	 input) and most of the time
253 	 when I'm home, I hang out in
254 	 **
255 	 there, alone. Listen to music.
256 	 Read. Do my homework.
257 	 What more could a girl ask
258 	 **
259 	 for, right? I mean, my life really isn't so bad.
260 	 Is it?
261 	 13
262 	 
263 	 
264 	 
265 	 I Clearly Recall
266 	 
267 	 Once upon a time, long
268 	 ago, when everything was different. Mom
269 	 **
270 	 and Daddy were in love, at least it sure looked
271 	 that way to Raeanne
272 	 **
273 	 and me. How we used to giggle at them, kissing and holding hands.
274 	 **
275 	 I remember how they used to joke about their names.
276 	 Ray[mond] and Kay
277 	 **
278 	 How fate must have been a bad poet and wrote them into a poem together.
279 	 **
280 	 Then Raeanne or I would beg
281 	 them to tell--just one more time-- the story of how they met.
282 	 14
283 	 
284 	 
285 	 
286 	 Mom Always Started
287 	 
288 	 
289 	 I
290 	 was in college. UC Santa Barbara,
291 	 best university in California.
292 	 
293 	 
294 	 I had this really awful boyfriend.
295 	 
296 	 
297 	 **
298 	 
299 	 
300 	 I thought we'd run away
301 	 and live happily ever after.
302 	 
303 	 
304 	 Thank God he got arrested.
305 	 
306 	 **
307 	 
308 	 Then Daddy would
309 	 humph
310 	 and
311 	 haw
312 	 and take over.
313 	 
314 	 
315 	 So there he was, in my court-
316 	 
317 	 **
318 	 
319 	 room, with a despicable
320 	 
321 	 
322 	 public defender failing
323 	 to come up with an even
324 	 
325 	 **
326 	 
327 	 halfway decent excuse for
328 	 why his client was driving
329 	 
330 	 
331 	 drunk. In one ear, out
332 	 
333 	 **
334 	 
335 	 the other. I'd heard it all
336 	 
337 	 
338 	 before, and anyway, the only
339 	 
340 	 
341 	 thing I could think about
342 	 was this creep's gorgeous
343 	 
344 	 
345 	 girl, sitting front and center,
346 	 hoping I'd go easy on him.
347 	 
348 	 15
349 	 And Mom would interrupt.
350 	 
351 	 Actually, I only hoped that
352 	 until I took a good, long look
353 	 
354 	 **
355 	 
356 	 at your father. Then I kind
357 	 of hoped he'd lock up my
358 	 
359 	 
360 	 boyfriend for a long time.
361 	 
362 	 **
363 	 Then we'd laugh and my
364 	 parents would kiss and all was perfect in our little world.
365 	 16
366 	 
367 	 
368 	 
369 	 But That Was Before
370 	 
371 	 Daddy fractured our world, tilted it off its axis, sent it
372 	 **
373 	 careening out of control.
374 	 That was before the day
375 	 **
376 	 his own impairment
377 	 made him overcorrect, jerk
378 	 **
379 	 the Mercedes onto unpaved
380 	 shoulder, then back
381 	 **
382 	 across two lanes of traffic, and over the double yellow
383 	 **
384 	 lines, head-on into traffic.
385 	 That was before the one-ton
386 	 **
387 	 truck sliced the passenger
388 	 side wide open. That was
389 	 **
390 	 before premature death, battered
391 	 bodies, and scars no plastic
392 	 **
393 	 surgeon could ever repair.
394 	 Yes, that was before.
395 	 17
396 	 
397 	 
398 	 
399 	 Afterward
400 	 
401 	 Mom didn't love Daddy
402 	 anymore, though he stayed by her side until she healed, begging forgiveness, promising to somehow make everything right.
403 	 **
404 	 In fact, since the accident,
405 	 Mom doesn't love anyone.
406 	 She is marble. Beautiful.
407 	 Frigid. Easily stained by her family. What's left of us, anyway. We are corpses.
408 	 **
409 	 At first, we sought rebirth.
410 	 But resurrection devoid of her love has made us zombies.
411 	 We get up every morning, skip breakfast, hurry off to work or school. For in those other places, we are more at home.
412 	 **
413 	 And sometimes, we stagger beneath the weight of grief, the immensity of aloneness.
414 	 18
415 	 
416 	 
417 	 
418 	 No One Else Suspects
419 	 
420 	 Not our neighbors.
421 	 Not our friends.
422 	 Not even our relatives.
423 	 No one
424 	 suspects Mom's real
425 	 motive for running for Congress is to run
426 	 away from us. No one
427 	 suspects the depth of her rejection, or how drowning in it has affected
428 	 my father a powerful district
429 	 court judge, a man who puts bad guys away, slumped down on his knees, unable to breathe, unable to swim, unable to stop
430 	 begging
431 	 
432 	 me to open my arms,
433 	 let me stay,
434 	 and please, please love
435 	 
436 	 him the way Mom used to.
437 	 19
438 	 
439 	 
440 	 
441 	 
442 	 
443 	 Raeanne
444 	 
445 	 
446 	 
447 	 
448 	 Kaeleigh Closes Herself Off
449 	 
450 	 From Daddy. And I think
451 	 she's completely insane.
452 	 I crave his affection.
453 	 No one, no one normal, that is, will understand. Yeah, yeah,
454 	 I'm all fucked up. My mantra.
455 	 But if anyone actually
456 	 suspects
457 	 how fucked up I am, they've yet to let me know.
458 	 And, really, why would
459 	 my father
460 	 be so taken with her, but distance
461 	 himself from me? We're
462 	 identical. Except for the egg/
463 	 
464 	 sperm thing. Would he fall on his knees in front of me, if I were more like Mom and less like him? Would he come, begging, to me, too,
465 	 let me stay
466 	 
467 	 if he realized I want to love
468 	 him the way Mom used to?
469 	 20
470 	 
471 	 
472 	 
473 	 But Obsessions Are Personal, I Guess
474 	 
475 	 Daddy's obsession with Kaeleigh strikes at the heart of me. But looking at it real
476 	 objectively, I think I understand. She's
477 	 soft. Pliable. Gullible. It's easy enough to believe his declaration that should someone
478 	 root out his secrets, he'll swallow a bullet.
479 	 **
480 	 You know, he just might, though I see him as much more likely to pick up that gun and shoot Mom, especially if he's on a bender. More and more of those
481 	 lately, both for him and for me. My own obsession.
482 	 Falling into a state of numb.
483 	 21
484 	 
485 	 
486 	 
487 	 Numb
488 	 
489 	 Sometimes that seems like a great
490 	 place to be. Closed off from it all, in no need of love, no need of family.
491 	 **
492 	 To be honest, I've erected a huge, huge wall between myself and Mom, myself and Kaeleigh, who I avoid
493 	 **
494 	 whenever I can. Can't stand that hurt, ever-present in her eyes. Eyes-- and hurt--that mirror my own.
495 	 **
496 	 Anyway, she makes me mad, mad
497 	 that she hides in her own mind so well. Hides there from Daddy.
498 	 **
499 	 The only person I want to be close to is Daddy, and he doesn't even see
500 	 me. It's like I'm not even here.
501 	 **
502 	 Most of the time I muddle through, pretending I don't need to be held, need to be touched, kissed.
503 	 **
504 	 But then need swells up, a thunderhead.
505 	 Storms down, sweeps over me like a summer flash flood of need.
506 	 22
507 	 
508 	 
509 	 
510 	 Numb Cannot Fight Such Need
511 	 
512 	 So I turn to Mick, valley hardass in more ways than one.
513 	 
514 	 Mom says,
515 	 That boy is trouble.
516 	 
517 	 
518 	 You steer clear, understand?
519 	 
520 	 Like I give a rat's shiny pink butt about what Mom thinks.
521 	 **
522 	 Actually, I'm amazed she even
523 	 noticed. Maybe she has spies who keep an eye on us when she can't be bothered. After
524 	 all, it wouldn't do for a daughter of a United States congresswoman
525 	 **
526 	 to get pregnant, now would it?
527 	 Oh, she would shit, if she had
528 	 any real idea of the things I do with Mick. So if she has spies, they must be voyeurs. I know
529 	 it's ridiculous, but I glance around.
530 	 **
531 	 Nope, no discernable spies. Good
532 	 thing. Mick and I are taking off at lunch.
533 	 We probably won't eat much.
534 	 (No sandwiches, anyway.)
535 	 So if I do head back to class
536 	 afterward, it will be in an altered state.
537 	 23
538 	 Self-medication firmly at the top of my agenda, I blow through
539 	 Lawler's history quiz, put my
540 	 pencil down, and sit staring out the window, waiting for the bell.
541 	 A black shape materializes in the sky,
542 	 **
543 	 wings slowly through the mist. Buzzard?
544 	 No, as it nears, I see it's a condor.
545 	 Some kind of omen there. As I
546 	 consider exactly what kind, someone taps my shoulder. I wheel
547 	 
548 	 around.
549 	 Finished?
550 	 asks Mr. Lawler.
551 	 
552 	 **
553 	 I nod and hand him my paper, and when I look into his gold-flecked
554 	 green eyes, I think for about the hundredth time what a fine
555 	 guy he is. As if I had said it out
556 	 
557 	 loud, he smiles.
558 	 You may go, then.
559 	 
560 	 **
561 	 I smile right back. "Thanks. See you
562 	 tomorrow." I pick up my books, stand with deliberate grace, and as
563 	 I walk toward the door I feel
564 	 eyes on my back, know at least one
565 	 pair belongs to him. Men are so easy.
566 	 24
567 	 
568 	 
569 	 
570 	 I Stop in the Girls' Room
571 	 
572 	 For a quick pee and to redo my makeup.
573 	 The bell finally rings. Within seconds, the lunch rush madhouse erupts.
574 	 **
575 	 
576 	 Hurry up!--- What the fuck?
577 	 
578 	 
579 	 Hey, you, come here!
580 	 
581 	 
582 	 **
583 	 
584 	 It's the same every day. Same voices.
585 	 Same laughter. Same lame people
586 	 I've known most of my life.
587 	 **
588 	 
589 	 Got a smoke?---Got a Tic
590 	 
591 	 
592 	 Did you hear about...?
593 	 
594 	 **
595 	 I hustle along the walkway, mostly
596 	 ignoring the waves and hellos of people I rarely give the time of day to.
597 	 **
598 	 
599 	 ...got the lead
600 	 ...---...
601 	 made honor role...
602 	 
603 	 
604 	 Ian's looking for you.
605 	 
606 	 **
607 	 Ah, see, they're confusing me with
608 	 Kaeleigh. Sometimes I think that's
609 	 funny. Other times, it just annoys
610 	 **
611 	 the living crap out of me. Guess that's
612 	 what comes of sharing a wardrobe, not to mention a face. Oh, well.
613 	 25
614 	 At least Mick won't confuse me with her. She wouldn't go near him.
615 	 He's much too much like Daddy.
616 	 **
617 	 Both of them are tough outside.
618 	 But dig down under the skin, there's a soft, gooey core.
619 	 **
620 	 Auger into that core, like tapping a maple, you'll get doused with incredibly sweet sap.
621 	 **
622 	 It's a lot of work, work that
623 	 Kaeleigh could never appreciate, because she doesn't like maple
624 	 **
625 	 syrup anyway. But I do. I love
626 	 it. And if Daddy would just stand
627 	 still for me, I'd happily tap his core.
628 	 26
629 	 
630 	 
631 	 
632 	 Mick's Sexy
633 	 
634 	 Chevy Avalanche, with slate gray
635 	 paint and silver leather seats, idles in a far corner of the parking lot.
636 	 Two years out of school, he isn't
637 	 really supposed to be here.
638 	 But he generally comes running
639 	 when I call. He likes what I give him.
640 	 **
641 	 I like what he gives me, too, and I'm mostly talking about the bud. I pick up my pace because right under his front seat I know
642 	 there's a fat, stinky joint with my name on it.
643 	 **
644 	 Okay, Mick's name is there too.
645 	 It's his dope, after all.
646 	 But he's always happy to share.
647 	 Of course, he expects compensation, and after smoking a big ol' doobie,
648 	 I'm generally willing to cooperate.
649 	 **
650 	 Life has gotten better--or at least
651 	 more bearable--since I was introduced to my good friend, marijuana.
652 	 You couldn't have a more decent friend.
653 	 I love everything about it.
654 	 27
655 	 I love the way it smells--good green
656 	 bud, anyway, and that's the only
657 	 kind Mick gets. I guess his brother
658 	 knows a Humboldt grower. Okay, the pot smells a lot like skunk juice.
659 	 But somehow, there's a difference.
660 	 A good one.
661 	 **
662 	 I love the way the thick smoke
663 	 tastes, curling across my tongue, snaking down my throat. I love
664 	 holding it in. Coughing it out.
665 	 I love head rushes, the creeping
666 	 warmth that follows.
667 	 **
668 	 And I love the distant place it takes me to. Everything feels
669 	 right there. Mellow. Easy.
670 	 Stress-free. I even love the munchies, the perfect excuse for devouring a pint of Häagen-Dazs. Of course, afterward
671 	 I have to go stick my finger down my throat. Don't dare get fat.
672 	 Daddy would not like that.
673 	 28
674 	 
675 	 
676 	 
677 	 Mick and Marijuana
678 	 
679 	 Await me. I'm ready to pay
680 	 Mick's going rate for the pot.
681 	 (And I'm not talking money.)
682 	 Some people would balk at the price tag.
683 	 Not me.
684 	 You might think, because of the things I've seen
685 	 Daddy do, I'd be disgusted by sex. No way.
686 	 I like it.
687 	 I like how it feels physically, yes. Kisses, hot and prickly as August. Hands, tan and rough against my soft
688 	 white skin. And the last, extreme
689 	 punctuation.
690 	 I get off.
691 	 But getting off myself
692 	 isn't the best part. I do
693 	 everything in my power to make sure he gets off.
694 	 And that puts me indisputably in control. (He thinks otherwise, and I let him.) It's the only time
695 	 I am in control. And I like how that feels
696 	 Not me. I like it.
697 	 most of all.
698 	 29
699 	 
700 	 
701 	 
702 	 
703 	 
704 	 Kaeleigh
705 	 
706 	 
707 	 
708 	 
709 	 Call Me Powerless
710 	 
711 	 Yeah, I know on first glance
712 	 I have it all. Looks. Money.
713 	 Straight As. Leads. Popularity.
714 	 I'm a regular princess, right?
715 	 Not me.
716 	 The final bell rings and I dash for my locker, hoping no one
717 	 offers me a ride home. Some
718 	 people despise the bus, but
719 	 I like it.
720 	 Yes, it's mostly freshmen and losers, and I fit right in.
721 	 Anyway, no one bugs me with questions or invitations.
722 	 I am practically anonymous.
723 	 Too soon, brakes screech and
724 	 I get off a few blocks from home. The walk is usually silent. But today Ian's
725 	 Yamaha rips around the corner.
726 	 It slows, stops, and I wait as he gets off, sheds his helmet, draws near.
727 	 
728 	 Have you been avoiding me?
729 	 
730 	 I have, and I struggle to meet his eyes. When I finally do, I find
731 	 concern. Pain. Anger. And love, most of all.
732 	 30
733 	 
734 	 
735 	 
736 	 Ian is My Best Friend
737 	 
738 	 He has loved me since fourth grade. I would trust
739 	 him with my life, and all
740 	 my secrets but one.
741 	 **
742 	 
743 	 Soooo...have you?
744 	 
745 	 
746 	 **
747 	 
748 	 I wish I were worthy of his love. (Any love.)
749 	 I should tell him to run.
750 	 But I can't. I need him.
751 	 **
752 	 
753 	 Ahem. Hello?
754 	 
755 	 
756 	 **
757 	 
758 	 He deserves to be loved, by someone really great.
759 	 He's gorgeous, in an artsy
760 	 way. No ego. All heart.
761 	 **
762 	 
763 	 Earth to Kaeleigh.
764 	 
765 	 
766 	 **
767 	 
768 	 All heart and waiting for me to respond. "I...um...Sorry,
769 	 I'm a million miles away.
770 	 What did you say?"
771 	 **
772 	 
773 	 Ah, the old "million miles
774 	 
775 	 
776 	 away" excuse.
777 	 
778 	 31
779 	 His smile holds the warmth of the sun, and when he opens his arms, I plunge
780 	 deep between them. "Sorry."
781 	 **
782 	 
783 	 For what? Oh, you
784 	 have
785 	 been avoiding me, huh?
786 	 
787 	 **
788 	 His body is toned, and he smells
789 	 yummy, like some kind of spice.
790 	 I look up into eyes, the turquoise of the Caribbean. "Sort of."
791 	 **
792 	 
793 	 I
794 	 always said I liked your
795 	 
796 	 
797 	 honesty. Still...
798 	 
799 	 **
800 	 "Not avoiding you in particular.
801 	 More like everyone, kind of.
802 	 Sometimes I get antisocial.
803 	 You know that, though."
804 	 **
805 	 
806 	 Yeah, I do, but I'm not
807 	 
808 	 
809 	 exactly sure why.
810 	 
811 	 
812 	 **
813 	 
814 	 "I must get it from my dad.
815 	 Can't be from Mom, the world-
816 	 class go-getter, hand shaker, and baby kisser."
817 	 32
818 	 
819 	 I don't think a judge
820 	 
821 	 
822 	 should be antisocial.
823 	 
824 	 **
825 	 Can't talk about my father.
826 	 Too much to say that can't
827 	 be said. I pull away from Ian's
828 	 hug. "You're probably right."
829 	 **
830 	 
831 	 So, may I walk you home?
832 	 
833 	 
834 	 Or would you rather ride?
835 	 
836 	 
837 	 **
838 	 
839 	 "Two blocks? Think we can
840 	 walk it. But hey, if you be
841 	 really, really nice, I'll let
842 	 you give me a ride to work."
843 	 
844 	 **
845 	 
846 	 
847 	 Deal. Being nice to you is easy,
848 	 even when you try to avoid me.
849 	 
850 	 33
851 	 
852 	 
853 	 
854 	 This Huge Part of Me
855 	 
856 	 Is so happy Ian won't let me avoid
857 	 him, won't let me push him away.
858 	 What I don't understand is why not.
859 	 **
860 	 I mean, girls hit on him all the time.
861 	 Over the years he has gone out with a few. But he never gets serious.
862 	 **
863 	 I know he wants to get serious.
864 	 He's definitely not a player, not a poser, not a loser, not a user.
865 	 **
866 	 Ian wants deep down forever love, love he knows he can count on.
867 	 And that so sets him up for hurt.
868 	 **
869 	 Last year he and Katie were an item for several months. After he broke up with her, I asked what happened.
870 	 **
871 	 We were on the hill behind his house, soaking up April sun.
872 	 
873 	 Katie's great,
874 	 he said.
875 	 Pretty. Sweet.
876 	 
877 	 
878 	 **
879 	 
880 	 "So what, then?" I asked, knowing the answer but wanting to hear it.
881 	 (And realizing how selfish that was.)
882 	 34
883 	 
884 	 He turned his face away from me, into the spring breeze.
885 	 She's great,
886 	 he repeated.
887 	 But she'll never be you.
888 	 
889 	 
890 	 **
891 	 
892 	 Then he looked straight into my eyes.
893 	 
894 	 I
895 	 love you, and I know you know how
896 	 
897 	 
898 	 much. I also know there's something
899 	 
900 	 
901 	 **
902 	 
903 	 
904 	 that keeps you from loving me back.
905 	 
906 	 
907 	 What is it, Kaeleigh? Is it me?
908 	 
909 	 
910 	 Because I swear I'll change....
911 	 
912 	 
913 	 **
914 	 
915 	 "No! It's not you. Oh Ian, you're the absolute best. If I could love
916 	 anyone, it would be you. I want..."
917 	 **
918 	 The rest, the "to love you" stuck like a giant wad of gum in my throat.
919 	 Ian pulled me into him, held me close.
920 	 **
921 	 
922 	 Please!
923 	 he pleaded. And then he kissed
924 	 
925 	 me. Gently. And I kissed him back, but only for a second because suddenly
926 	 **
927 	 all I could see was a featureless
928 	 face, with a wide, sour mouth
929 	 
930 	 coaxing,
931 	 Please, baby. I won't hurt you.
932 	 
933 	 35
934 	 Fear enveloped me, clasped itself around me. I couldn't shake
935 	 free, struggled to find breath.
936 	 **
937 	 Still seeking air, I jerked back.
938 	 I will never forget the look on
939 	 Ian's face, contorted with my pain.
940 	 **
941 	 
942 	 What the fuck is it, Kaeleigh?
943 	 
944 	 
945 	 Whatever it is, don't leave it
946 	 inside. Someday you'll implode.
947 	 
948 	 
949 	 **
950 	 
951 	 Trembling, eyes burning, I reached for his hand. "I know. I only hope
952 	 you won't have to clean up the mess."
953 	 36
954 	 
955 	 
956 	 
957 	 I Still Haven't Imploded
958 	 
959 	 Though, I have to admit, sometimes (maybe even often)
960 	 I wish
961 	 I would. Wish I could
962 	 just get it over with. But it's
963 	 not going to happen right
964 	 this moment so I'll go to work instead.
965 	 Arms tight around Ian's waist, cool October wind in my face,
966 	 I truly wish the power of his love
967 	 could eclipse the overwhelming shame.
968 	 He deserves someone better than me, someone pure. Worthy.
969 	 The shadows
970 	 bend long toward evening as the Yamaha quiets to a stutter.
971 	 A cloud of regret boils up, rains sadness down all around me and as I climb from the bike, a strange desire grips me. I can
972 	 do this. Want to do this.
973 	 I steel myself against the specters
974 	 always haunting me, gather all my inner strength, softly kiss the promise of his lips.
975 	 37
976 	 
977 	 
978 	 
979 	 
980 	 
981 	 Raeanne
982 	 
983 	 
984 	 
985 	 
986 	 Promises Are Meaningless
987 	 
988 	 
989 	 Mom:
990 	 I
991 	 promise I'll be home soon.
992 	 
993 	 
994 	 Mick:
995 	 I
996 	 promise I want only you
997 	 
998 	 I wish
999 	 they'd both take a one-way
1000 	 elevator to hell! Okay, I'm used to my mother's lies. Right at this moment
1001 	 it's Mick whose bullshit is pissing me off. Yeah, I guess
1002 	 I'm a total dumb-ass for believing the thought of being with me
1003 	 could eclipse his testosterone-fueled flirtations.
1004 	 I mean, at lunch, I could hardly
1005 	 wait to be with him. I sprinted toward his truck, out of the shadows and into the bright autumn
1006 	 glare. And there, leaning into his open window, was that bitch
1007 	 Madison. Jealousy squeezed around me, choked off my scream. Too much to let myself dwell on, like visions, always haunting me, of Kaeleigh and Daddy.
1008 	 38
1009 	 
1010 	 
1011 	 
1012 	 Madison Happens to Be
1013 	 
1014 	 Mick's ex, the operative two
1015 	 
1016 	 letters being
1017 	 e
1018 	 and
1019 	 x.
1020 	 Why
1021 	 
1022 	 can't she just leave him
1023 	 alone? She's totally
1024 	 wrong for him. Anyway, it was her decision for them to break up. A very good decision.
1025 	 **
1026 	 First of all, Mick's out of school. Graduated, bottom of his class, two years ago.
1027 	 Madison is the type who needs a guy on her arm at school, someone to flaunt, someone
1028 	 cute she can order around.
1029 	 **
1030 	 More to the point, the only
1031 	 drugs Madison will likely
1032 	 ever do are steroids. She's a total mainstream jock.
1033 	 Softball team. Swim team.
1034 	 Golf team. If it means creaming an opponent, she's all over it.
1035 	 **
1036 	 Could be why she's hustling
1037 	 Mick now. When he was up for grabs, she couldn't care
1038 	 less about scratching his
1039 	 39
1040 	 figurative itch. All it took was his hooking up with me, and out came her stubby claws.
1041 	 **
1042 	 Well, mine are a whole
1043 	 lot sharper, though she doesn't seem to realize it.
1044 	 Just wait till I dig them into that sun-toughened
1045 	 jockette hide. Then it won't
1046 	 matter if I can't scream.
1047 	 40
1048 	 
1049 	 
1050 	 
1051 	 She'll Scream Loud Enough
1052 	 
1053 	 For both of us, and I do look forward to that. Ooh. Was that mean? Maybe.
1054 	 **
1055 	 But hey, I'm sick and tired of playing
1056 	 passive. No, I'll leave that to Kaeleigh.
1057 	 **
1058 	 Kaeleigh, queen of passive, all the time
1059 	 saying no, but not strong enough
1060 	 **
1061 	 to mean it. Not strong enough to fight.
1062 	 Not anywhere near as strong as me.
1063 	 **
1064 	 I have to say I rather enjoyed verbally sparring
1065 	 instead of retreating. Once I finally caught
1066 	 **
1067 	 my breath, I climbed up into the Avalanche, slid across the seat, almost into Mick's lap.
1068 	 **
1069 	 
1070 	 He turned (not quite quick enough, but it was what it was), grinning.
1071 	 'Bout time you
1072 	 
1073 	 
1074 	 **
1075 	 
1076 	 
1077 	 got here. I almost took off without you.
1078 	 
1079 	 Unsaid words hung like a heavy curtain:
1080 	 **
1081 	 
1082 	 Without you. And with Madison.
1083 	 I pretended
1084 	 
1085 	 not to hear them, not to get mad at them.
1086 	 **
1087 	 Ignoring Ms. Jock completely, I looked straight into his eyes. "Really? And miss out on this?"
1088 	 41
1089 	 Then I kissed him. Hard. Wet. Sharp stabs of tongue. My fingers drifted in between
1090 	 **
1091 	 his thighs, finding exactly what they expected.
1092 	 Madison gave a little gasp. "Oh," I said. "Sorry,
1093 	 **
1094 	 didn't mean to offend you." I laughed. Mick
1095 	 
1096 	 joined me, then said,
1097 	 That's my cue. See ya, Mad.
1098 	 
1099 	 42
1100 	 
1101 	 
1102 	 
1103 	 She Was Mad, Okay
1104 	 
1105 	 Madison puffed up red, venomous as an adder. Holy crud. I've never
1106 	 seen anyone flip from flirt to viper so quickly. Totally scary!
1107 	 **
1108 	 She didn't budge as we backed out of the parking space. Just stood
1109 	 there, boiling, not a word escaping her lips. But her eyes said plenty:
1110 	 
1111 	 I'll
1112 	 get you back. Wait and see.
1113 	 
1114 	 
1115 	 **
1116 	 
1117 	 
1118 	 I smiled, moved even closer to Mick, making steering problematic.
1119 	 Could
1120 	 
1121 	 
1122 	 you give me an inch or two, please?
1123 	 he said. I gave him a lot more than that.
1124 	 
1125 	 **
1126 	 In fact, once we were well beyond
1127 	 Madison's sight, I scooted clear over by the opposite door, clamped my mouth
1128 	 shut before I said something I'd regret.
1129 	 **
1130 	 
1131 	 C'mon. Not my fault she's still hot for me.
1132 	 
1133 	 
1134 	 **
1135 	 
1136 	 He reached across the seat, grabbed
1137 	 hold of my arm. Pulled. When I resisted, he yanked harder. Hard enough to hurt.
1138 	 Hard enough to leave purple bruises.
1139 	 43
1140 	 Someone smart would have screamed.
1141 	 Someone sane would have waited for a stop sign, thrown themselves free.
1142 	 Someone whole would have said no.
1143 	 **
1144 	 
1145 	 Get the fuck over here and don't give me shit.
1146 	 
1147 	 
1148 	 **
1149 	 
1150 	 I did as instructed. Worse, I liked that he told
1151 	 me what to do. It meant he cared, really cared.
1152 	 Right? Whatever. "Did you score some bud?"
1153 	 I asked, more to change the subject than anything.
1154 	 **
1155 	 
1156 	 Under the seat. Twist one up, okay?
1157 	 We headed
1158 	 
1159 	 out Happy Canyon Road, only horses and cattle to mind our business. We could have gone home--
1160 	 no one there--but I was still too mad for sex.
1161 	 **
1162 	 
1163 	 You know you want me. You'd take slimy seconds.
1164 	 
1165 	 
1166 	 **
1167 	 
1168 	 Gross. "Yeah, right. Like your pimply butt is such a turn-on." It isn't too pimply, and it's
1169 	 kind of a turn-on, but that was beside the point.
1170 	 
1171 	 His hand brushed my left nipple.
1172 	 You love it.
1173 	 
1174 	 
1175 	 **
1176 	 
1177 	 "Not while wondering who you're thinking
1178 	 about, Madison or me." I took a deep drag, held it. Took another without passing the joint, exhaling giant smoke puffs right in his face.
1179 	 44
1180 	 
1181 	 Bogart. Pass that fucking thing over here.
1182 	 
1183 	 
1184 	 **
1185 	 
1186 	 So I did, and once we were totally buzzed he pulled off onto a dirt ranch road, parked.
1187 	 
1188 	 No maid out here. Just birds and squirrels.
1189 	 
1190 	 Defenses lowered by excellent bud, I said
1191 	 **
1192 	 okay to a quickie. Totally in control.
1193 	 45
1194 	 
1195 	 
1196 	 
1197 	 In Control
1198 	 
1199 	 Out of control.
1200 	 Sometimes they're the same thing.
1201 	 The trick is knowing
1202 	 that, realizing
1203 	 it's okay to feel
1204 	 out of control
1205 	 once in a while, as long as you're sure
1206 	 you can regain the upper hand
1207 	 when you
1208 	 absolutely need to.
1209 	 And really, when it comes to my
1210 	 reclaiming control, it comes down to one
1211 	 simple little thing, something I sometimes
1212 	 have difficulty with:
1213 	 saying no.
1214 	 46
1215 	 
1216 	 
1217 	 
1218 	 I've Got to Learn
1219 	 
1220 	 To say no, and not only say
1221 	 it, but mean it. In some
1222 	 situations, not always the right ones, I know,
1223 	 I'm strong.
1224 	 Really strong. Tough, even. I guess, in a very odd
1225 	 way, I'm even something of a survivor.
1226 	 But there are times when, much as I want to assert
1227 	 myself, know it's the right
1228 	 thing to do,
1229 	 I can't
1230 	 find the inner fortitude to follow through with a simple
1231 	 two-letter word. NO. One of the first words babies can
1232 	 understand, one of the first they learn to repeat. No. No, Mick, I won't
1233 	 let you treat me with disrespect. No,
1234 	 Mick, and I don't have to explain
1235 	 why I
1236 	 won't let you touch me this time.
1237 	 Okay, so maybe I'm a little
1238 	 confused. Does being in control
1239 	 mean I have to cave in, have to crumble?
1240 	 47
1241 	 
1242 	 
1243 	 
1244 	 
1245 	 Kaeleigh
1246 	 
1247 	 
1248 	 
1249 	 If Only
1250 	 
1251 	 I could say yes, Ian, get close to me.
1252 	 But it's a place no one should ever be, and it would be cruel to let him think
1253 	 I'm strong
1254 	 enough to ever say yes, I need you.
1255 	 I start toward the pink stucco building, see Greta at the window. She's a survivor, having defied the Nazis in World
1256 	 War II, smuggling Danish Jews into
1257 	 
1258 	 Sweden.
1259 	 They almost caught us twice,
1260 	 she remembers.
1261 	 But we outwitted them.
1262 	 
1263 	 I can't
1264 	 comprehend that kind of courage.
1265 	 Funny thing. My friends (what few
1266 	 real friends I have) don't
1267 	 understand
1268 	 why I work here at the Lutheran
1269 	 home. They think old people are lame. But they're not. They're
1270 	 awesome, and I know exactly
1271 	 why I
1272 	 think so. It's because they've
1273 	 lived entire lifetimes. Loved.
1274 	 Laughed. Surrendered. Stumbled.
1275 	 Weathered, beaten, still they don't
1276 	 crumble, not even as they inch toward death.
1277 	 48
1278 	 
1279 	 
1280 	 
1281 	 I Work Part-Time
1282 	 
1283 	 Setting tables for dinner, washing dishes afterward, arranging flowers in vases, reading to those whose
1284 	 eyes no longer can. But the absolute best is when
1285 	 they share their stories.
1286 	 There's Sam Lonnigan, who as a liberal-leaning broad-
1287 	 caster became snared by Joe
1288 	 McCarthy's communist witch
1289 	 hunt. Commie? No way, not that his true ideology
1290 	 ever came into play.
1291 	 **
1292 	 Miss High Fashion Spyre
1293 	 lost her modeling career
1294 	 
1295 	 when "skin-and-bones, raccoon-eyes Twiggy" hit the scene.
1296 	 Till then, curves
1297 	 were hip,
1298 	 she complains.
1299 	 
1300 	 
1301 	 Size subzero? Spare me!
1302 	 
1303 	 Also sharing words of wisdom are a fifties test
1304 	 pilot, three retired doctors, one author, one poet, two
1305 	 politicians, one Olympic
1306 	 medalist, four domestic
1307 	 divas, and Greta Sorenson.
1308 	 49
1309 	 
1310 	 
1311 	 
1312 	 Greta is my Faux Grandma
1313 	 
1314 	 It's nice having her take on the grand-
1315 	 parent role, because I never see my own.
1316 	 Mom's father was killed in Vietnam.
1317 	 **
1318 	 Her mother, Grandma Betty, retired to Florida. She used to visit, but not since the accident. I don't blame her.
1319 	 **
1320 	 Daddy's father and mother divorced
1321 	 when Daddy was still in grade school.
1322 	 The reasons were so ugly no one
1323 	 **
1324 	 will talk about them. Other than a few creepy film noir-type scenes,
1325 	 I can hardly remember Grandma
1326 	 **
1327 	 Gardella, can barely conjure her face. Daddy says she only ever
1328 	 came around looking for money.
1329 	 **
1330 	 When I asked what for, he clammed up completely, except to say he wasn't about to finance her binges.
1331 	 **
1332 	 Grandpa and Daddy haven't
1333 	 spoken in three decades. A few
1334 	 years ago I tracked Grandpa down,
1335 	 50
1336 	 told him we were studying family
1337 	 genealogy in school. He had no clue
1338 	 Daddy was married, let alone about
1339 	 **
1340 	 Raeanne and me. Sheesh. He
1341 	 sent us birthday cards for a year or two, until Daddy found out.
1342 	 **
1343 	 I'll never forget the fit he threw.
1344 	 
1345 	 That sonofabitch better stay far,
1346 	 far away, or I swear I'll kill him.
1347 	 
1348 	 
1349 	 **
1350 	 
1351 	 When I asked him why, he had
1352 	 nothing substantial to say. I haven't
1353 	 heard a word from Grandpa since.
1354 	 **
1355 	 So I have a stranger for a grandma.
1356 	 At least she was a stranger until we got to talking. And now it's like
1357 	 **
1358 	 we've known each other forever.
1359 	 Not that she knows everything, a fact that she's quite aware of.
1360 	 **
1361 	 
1362 	 Pretty young woman like you,
1363 	 spending so much time with an old
1364 	 
1365 	 
1366 	 lady like me, instead of out
1367 	 
1368 	 51
1369 	 
1370 	 with your friends? That can
1371 	 
1372 	 
1373 	 only add up to one thing
1374 	 --
1375 	 
1376 	 
1377 	 you're hiding from something.
1378 	 
1379 	 **
1380 	 Said with a sparkle in her ice
1381 	 blue Scandinavian eyes. But her tone was 100 percent serious.
1382 	 **
1383 	 
1384 	 That's okay, honey. You know
1385 	 
1386 	 
1387 	 you're safe here with me. And if
1388 	 
1389 	 
1390 	 you ever want to talk about
1391 	 
1392 	 
1393 	 **
1394 	 
1395 	 
1396 	 it, I'm a hell of a good listener.
1397 	 
1398 	 
1399 	 Meanwhile, why don't I teach
1400 	 
1401 	 
1402 	 you to crochet? It's a lost art.
1403 	 
1404 	 
1405 	 **
1406 	 
1407 	 Sometimes, mid-slip stitch,
1408 	 I'll catch those sharp blue eyes
1409 	 poking at me, as if trying to pierce
1410 	 **
1411 	 my armor. So far, they haven't
1412 	 succeeded. But, to tell the truth, once in a while they come close.
1413 	 52
1414 	 
1415 	 
1416 	 
1417 	 Once in a While
1418 	 
1419 	 I catch something in her eyes, something
1420 	 not meant for me to see.
1421 	 Something very close to what she sees in mine:
1422 	 fear.
1423 	 Once, I gathered up all my courage, asked,
1424 	 "What are you afraid of?"
1425 	 She sat very quietly for several long minutes.
1426 	 fear.
1427 	 Finally, she took a long, deep
1428 	 breath. Cleared her throat.
1429 	 
1430 	 Nothing. Now. But I used
1431 	 to be afraid all the time.
1432 	 
1433 	 
1434 	 I met evil when I was only
1435 	 
1436 	 
1437 	 child.
1438 	 
1439 	 53
1440 	 
1441 	 It followed me for many
1442 	 
1443 	 
1444 	 years, through adolescence,
1445 	 into adulthood. I married
1446 	 
1447 	 
1448 	 evil, but it was nothing new
1449 	 and so I accepted it. It was
1450 	 wrong
1451 	 
1452 	 
1453 	 thing to do. Never accept
1454 	 
1455 	 
1456 	 evil as something you must
1457 	 
1458 	 
1459 	 walk with, something you
1460 	 
1461 	 
1462 	 deserve. Somehow. Do you
1463 	 
1464 	 
1465 	 understand what I mean?
1466 	 
1467 	 I nod, because I do
1468 	 understand. I'm just not
1469 	 sure how to go about divorcing myself from the evil I've already
1470 	 accepted.
1471 	 54
1472 	 
1473 	 
1474 	 
1475 	 This Afternoon
1476 	 
1477 	 Greta is in her room, napping.
1478 	 Unusual. The pre-dinner hour is generally noisy, busy with afternoon activities designed to keep older minds exercised.
1479 	 **
1480 	 Card games. Sing-alongs.
1481 	 Classes on memoir and poetry.
1482 	 I almost always find Greta
1483 	 smack in the middle of it all.
1484 	 Today she's under the weather.
1485 	 **
1486 	 I bustle around, doing assorted
1487 	 duties, every so often poking
1488 	 my head through her door. Shades
1489 	 drawn, her room is dark as a coffin.
1490 	 And why did I think that, exactly?
1491 	 **
1492 	 That pulls my thoughts toward something she told me once, how she never really rested until she saw
1493 	 "that no-good son of a bitch"
1494 	 laid down in the hard, cold ground.
1495 	 **
1496 	 I asked her who, but she was lost in reverie, stuck in some horrible
1497 	 memory, unable to extricate herself.
1498 	 I saw something in her eyes, though.
1499 	 Something that made me afraid for her.
1500 	 55
1501 	 
1502 	 Hello? Miss Gardella? Sam
1503 	 calls from the confines of his wheelchair.
1504 	 
1505 	 
1506 	 Would you mind giving me a push
1507 	 
1508 	 
1509 	 To the rec room? The arthritis
1510 	 is acting up something awful today.
1511 	 
1512 	 **
1513 	 I turn away from Greta's sleeping
1514 	 form, softly close her door. "No
1515 	 problem, Sam. Sorry about the arthritis." I give the brakes a nudge.
1516 	 "Hold on tight. Here we go."
1517 	 56
1518 	 
1519 	 
1520 	 
1521 	 One Problem About Caring
1522 	 
1523 	 For someone, especially someone
1524 	 who's getting on in years, is the likelihood you'll lose them
1525 	 too soon.
1526 	 The nurse says Greta has a flu
1527 	 bug, nothing major, but just the thought of her giving in to death
1528 	 makes me indescribably sad.
1529 	 I want to wake her, soothe her fever, tell her how much she means to me before it's
1530 	 too late.
1531 	 
1532 	 Don't worry,
1533 	 says Psychic Sam.
1534 	 
1535 	 
1536 	 No damn flu gonna take Greta
1537 	 
1538 	 
1539 	 down.
1540 	 I nod, thinking about going "down," no last shot at redemption.
1541 	 
1542 	 That will likely be my fate.
1543 	 Done in by some viral villain, sent straight to the fiery pits, shackled by my silence, sentenced to spend eternity locked in a hot red chamber, no way to claim innocence and avoid an eternal
1544 	 dance with the devil.
1545 	 57
1546 	 
1547 	 
1548 	 
1549 	 
1550 	 
1551 	 RAEANNE
1552 	 
1553 	 
1554 	 
1555 	 
1556 	 Mick Picked Me up
1557 	 
1558 	 And I made sure he kept
1559 	 me out extremely late. It's always
1560 	 desirable not to get home
1561 	 too soon.
1562 	 I can't always manage it, though.
1563 	 Daddy doesn't always cooperate, drink himself to a state resembling
1564 	 death.
1565 	 Tonight Kaeleigh and I are in luck.
1566 	 The bitter perfume of bourbon
1567 	 smacks me as I stumble in. It makes
1568 	 me thirsty. It's late, but never
1569 	 too late for one last shot. I tiptoe past
1570 	 Daddy's snoring, ease the Wild
1571 	 Turkey from the table. Can't
1572 	 really blame him for choosing
1573 	 redemption in a bottle. Two bottles, actually.
1574 	 One holds 750 ml of amber liquid.
1575 	 The other is small enough to fit in a pocket. Daddy has been sentenced to pain abatement à la OxyContin.
1576 	 The accident was eight years ago and his doctor keeps refilling, like he doesn't know about Daddy's
1577 	 dance with the devil.
1578 	 58
1579 	 
1580 	 
1581 	 
1582 	 Like I Care
1583 	 
1584 	 Truth is, I borrow a little Oxy
1585 	 every now and then too. Not
1586 	 often, though. It's expensive.
1587 	 **
1588 	 Daddy would miss it, even if his dimwit doctor didn't. I
1589 	 have to admit it's tempting.
1590 	 **
1591 	 It makes me feel like how
1592 	 you feel when you fall in a dream. Only you don't
1593 	 **
1594 	 wake up. You just keep
1595 	 falling deeper and deeper into the darkest recesses
1596 	 **
1597 	 of sleep. Especially when
1598 	 you help it out with a nip or two of Wild Turkey.
1599 	 **
1600 	 of course, I have to be
1601 	 very careful not to do it when Daddy's not trapped
1602 	 **
1603 	 in the snare of sleep too.
1604 	 Wouldn't do to be lying
1605 	 there unaware if he came
1606 	 59
1607 	 crawling to me. No, I'd
1608 	 want to be totally ready.
1609 	 But it won't be tonight.
1610 	 **
1611 	 Fifth of whiskey beneath my arm, I slip noiselessly into the kitchen, pour two
1612 	 **
1613 	 fingers, replace the bottle.
1614 	 Then I slither into Daddy's
1615 	 bathroom, help myself to a
1616 	 **
1617 	 small green pill. Just one.
1618 	 Just enough for a free fall
1619 	 totally without a parachute.
1620 	 60
1621 	 
1622 	 
1623 	 
1624 	 My Bedroom Is Dark
1625 	 
1626 	 Quiet as death, and I keep it exactly
1627 	 that way. Even the bed cooperates,
1628 	 **
1629 	 as I slide like a whisper under the cumbersome quilts, sit up in bed,
1630 	 **
1631 	 motionless. I feel like I'm in a hollow black space. A cave.
1632 	 **
1633 	 Empty. I chance a sip of Turkey.
1634 	 **
1635 	 Have to wet my tongue before letting the Oxy dissolve. Slowly.
1636 	 Nasty. Another sip. Jet fuel, hot and acrid against my taste buds.
1637 	 **
1638 	 Another time, another place, I'd let
1639 	 myself cough. Not now. Not here.
1640 	 **
1641 	 Nothing to disturb the deep breaths
1642 	 resonating throughout the house.
1643 	 **
1644 	 My tongue burns. My mouth
1645 	 tastes like crap. The spinning
1646 	 **
1647 	 inside my head begins. Grins.
1648 	 61
1649 	 I lie flat, give myself up to the
1650 	 **
1651 	 Oxy/Turkey merry-go-round.
1652 	 **
1653 	 Eyes closed, I start the tumble.
1654 	 Round. Round. Down. Down.
1655 	 **
1656 	 Outside, the wind rouses suddenly.
1657 	 Branches scratch against the window
1658 	 **
1659 	 and the sound, like something wants me, carries me where sleep will not follow.
1660 	 62
1661 	 
1662 	 
1663 	 
1664 	 It's Bone-Chilling Here
1665 	 
1666 	 In this memory. Nothing
1667 	 can thaw me. Not quilt. Not
1668 	 whiskey. Not even opiate.
1669 	 I'm frozen solidly in place, just like I was that night, the first time Daddy came.
1670 	 A night Kaeleigh can't (or
1671 	 won't) remember. But I do.
1672 	 **
1673 	 It was a year or so after the accident. Kaeleigh and I were nine, give or take. Mom had gone in for another round of surgery. She was already
1674 	 lost to us. Lost. Long gone.
1675 	 **
1676 	 I could barely remember
1677 	 how her kisses felt. They
1678 	 rode away on the bumper of that fucking semi.
1679 	 How we hungered for them!
1680 	 **
1681 	 Daddy smelled of Wild
1682 	 Turkey. Each night, we knew, he drank more and more.
1683 	 That night, he had drunk
1684 	 
1685 	 just enough.
1686 	 Kaeleigh, girl.
1687 	 
1688 	 63
1689 	 His voice was a soft hiss.
1690 	 
1691 	 Are you awake? Talk to me.
1692 	 
1693 	 
1694 	 Daddy ish-is sh-so lonely.
1695 	 
1696 	 **
1697 	 I'd never heard him sound like that. Like a stranger.
1698 	 A drunk, slurring stranger.
1699 	 Where was my daddy?
1700 	 **
1701 	 Kaeleigh, all sweetness, wanted to comfort Daddy, who drew her onto his lap.
1702 	 Stroked her hair. Kissed her gently on the forehead.
1703 	 Cheeks. Eyes. Finally, on her lips, but not nasty or mean or with tongue or anything but misplaced love.
1704 	 Love meant for Mom.
1705 	 **
1706 	 He just held her, kissed
1707 	 her. Breathed Wild Turkey
1708 	 all over her until they both
1709 	 fell asleep, woven together.
1710 	 64
1711 	 Knitted together, threaded by pain-
1712 	 sharpened needles.
1713 	 That one innocent
1714 	 joining was only the beginning, but neither realized it that night. And all
1715 	 I could do was linger in a dark corner, sharp jabs of envy
1716 	 tearing my eyes.
1717 	 65
1718 	 
1719 	 
1720 	 
1721 	 The Innocence
1722 	 
1723 	 With which Kaeleigh
1724 	 accepted that gesture was to be corrupted, but not immediately.
1725 	 Maybe this is the place she settles into, when
1726 	 forced to escape the reality of what came
1727 	 later, what continues
1728 	 still. See, she doesn't
1729 	 really remember the details. It's a defense
1730 	 mechanism, a gift from nature around post-traumatic stress.
1731 	 Remembering the ins and outs, so to speak, is left up to me. I am almost always there, or at least close by, though I have never
1732 	 interfered. Oh, I did
1733 	 try to tell Mom once, but she closed up like an oyster around that pearl of truth. I guess I could
1734 	 have offered descriptions of Daddy's "privates"
1735 	 (his word), the way he wears his scars. But hey, if she didn't care, why the hell should I? Instead,
1736 	 I stood by and watched father love turn to...U S T
1737 	 66
1738 	 
1739 	 
1740 	 
1741 	 What Came Later
1742 	 
1743 	 Belies the purity of that first night.
1744 	 Time crept by in slow motion, and I felt a million miles away.
1745 	 I watched the two of them dozing, father and mother/daughter, until weariness weighted my eyes.
1746 	 I slipped into the river of their breathing, floated in the current of Daddy's
1747 	 all-encompassing need.
1748 	 I fell
1749 	 asleep, thinking about Daddy
1750 	 kissing Kaeleigh, craving his kiss, understanding its significance.
1751 	 We unraveled
1752 	 that night, and I don't think
1753 	 things can ever be put right
1754 	 again. Sad, that lives can be
1755 	 shattered, into so many pieces that they
1756 	 can never be put back together, by the relentless force of love.
1757 	 Irreparable.
1758 	 67
1759 	 
1760 	 
1761 	 
1762 	 
1763 	 
1764 	 Kaeleigh
1765 	 
1766 	 
1767 	 
1768 	 
1769 	 Can't Believe
1770 	 
1771 	 
1772 	 I got the lead in
1773 	 Grease,
1774 	 the winter musical.
1775 	 
1776 	 I'm a pretty good actress, but my
1777 	 dance is rusty and my singing, well...
1778 	 I watched as Ms. Cavendish posted the cast
1779 	 list. Everyone gathered around the bulletin board, exhaling loudly.
1780 	 
1781 	 I slipped in between Ian and Shelby to get a better look.
1782 	 Sorry you didn't make
1783 	 
1784 	 
1785 	 it,
1786 	 poked Shelby. Stupid me,
1787 	 
1788 	 I fell for it, until she and Ian cracked up.
1789 	 
1790 	 "You may be sorry I
1791 	 did
1792 	 make it."
1793 	 
1794 	 I broke into an off-key rendition of "Fame."
1795 	 We unraveled into a giant fit of laughter. People
1796 	 stared, including Madison, who got a big part too. The look she gave me
1797 	 shattered
1798 	 any idea that this play might be fun after all. The slim chance rehearsals
1799 	 might go smoothly shredded.
1800 	 Irreparable.
1801 	 68
1802 	 
1803 	 
1804 	 
1805 	 Drama Is Last Block
1806 	 
1807 	 On Tuesdays and Thursdays. Today, however, being Friday, last block is PE. I wish I would've opted for modern dance.
1808 	 **
1809 	 Instead I'm dressed out for volleyball. And lucky me, my
1810 	 dear friend Madison is across the net, getting ready to serve.
1811 	 **
1812 	 
1813 	 Even better, I'm in front, where I can't miss the vile promise in her eyes:
1814 	 I'm gonna ram this ball right down your throat.
1815 	 
1816 	 **
1817 	 Fortunately, her anger sends the ball clear out of bounds. We
1818 	 rotate, and it's my turn to serve. Madison moves left one slot.
1819 	 **
1820 	 I swear, even from here, I can see the steam rising off her.
1821 	 Whoo-ee, is she hot! I shouldn't let it bother me, but it does.
1822 	 **
1823 	 
1824 	 I serve into the net.
1825 	 Side-out!
1826 	 yells Madison, and my teammates
1827 	 
1828 	 groan. "Sorry," I try. "It slipped." Okay, lame excuse.
1829 	 **
1830 	 Here comes the ball again. Long volley. On the far side of the net, Serena sets up. Madison spikes. Damn! The sucker
1831 	 **
1832 	 slams right into my chest, bounces undeniably out of bounds.
1833 	 
1834 	 Madison smiles.
1835 	 Too bad you don't have much padding there.
1836 	 
1837 	 **
1838 	 Everyone laughs. My face flashes, hot. But for once the perfect
1839 	 retort comes to mind immediately. Love when that happens.
1840 	 **
1841 	 "Yeah, well, I guess you're right. I don't have much padding, but at least what I've got is all mine, not Victoria's."
1842 	 69
1843 	 
1844 	 Victoria?
1845 	 Madison stops. Thinks. Gets a "duh" look on her face. Shakes her head and I've got her.
1846 	 Who's Victoria?
1847 	 "
1848 	 
1849 	 **
1850 	 I don't know. But she's got a secret. And you're wearing it.
1851 	 Oh, wait. Let me look again. Never mind. Can't be Victoria's
1852 	 **
1853 	 Secret. Anything that lumpy must have come from Wal-Mart.
1854 	 Wait, wait. Not even Wal-Mart. More like Salvation Army.
1855 	 **
1856 	 
1857 	 "
1858 	 Wha...? Hmph! You shut the fuck up, bitch!
1859 	 Madison storms
1860 	 
1861 	 off, intensely pissed. A chorus of howls follows her.
1862 	 70
1863 	 
1864 	 
1865 	 
1866 	 Not Sure Why
1867 	 
1868 	 I felt the need to provoke her.
1869 	 She and her inner circle
1870 	 carry a lot of weight around here.
1871 	 **
1872 	 I'm just sick of that pissy look, the off-the-wall snipes. I had
1873 	 nothing to do with her problems
1874 	 **
1875 	 with Mick. What wasn't her being a bitch was him, being a creep. All I am is fallout.
1876 	 **
1877 	 
1878 	 The bell rings.
1879 	 Okay, girls!
1880 	 yells
1881 	 
1882 	 
1883 	 Ms. Petrie.
1884 	 Hit the showers!
1885 	 
1886 	 Showers. Oh, goody. Can't wait.
1887 	 **
1888 	 Yeah, I'm dripping sweat. It's
1889 	 not what you might call fragrant.
1890 	 Not good fragrant, anyway.
1891 	 **
1892 	 But public showering is my least favorite thing about
1893 	 PE, and considering I hate PE,
1894 	 **
1895 	 that says a lot. Ugh! Stripping down to skin and hair, showing
1896 	 everything to everyone else.
1897 	 71
1898 	 That includes Ms. Petrie, our
1899 	 elderly PE teacher, who seems
1900 	 more interested in our hygiene
1901 	 **
1902 	 than in our physical fitness.
1903 	 The one job she takes seriously is making sure we shower.
1904 	 **
1905 	 It's kind of creepy, although
1906 	 I suppose some people might
1907 	 never de-sweat without a Ms. Petrie
1908 	 **
1909 	 to check up on them. Anyway, today I want to make sure Madison is scrubbed and dressed before
1910 	 **
1911 	 I even look at the shower. I help
1912 	 Ms. Petrie bring in the balls and nets.
1913 	 By the time I shed my shorts
1914 	 **
1915 	 and lather up, the locker room is mostly empty. The final bell
1916 	 rings and I'm still underwater.
1917 	 **
1918 	 When I exit, hair dripping, out the double doors, I'm mortified to find the bus has already gone.
1919 	 72
1920 	 
1921 	 
1922 	 
1923 	 I Need to Get My License
1924 	 
1925 	 I've been old enough for months.
1926 	 Problem is, you need a parent to sign off for you. And I do not have the luxury of parents who are able or willing to do that for me.
1927 	 **
1928 	 Mom is always traveling. She only
1929 	 drops by long enough to pick up a change of clothes and maybe, if we're very, very lucky, share a meal. She has completely
1930 	 forgotten what being a mother means.
1931 	 **
1932 	 Kitchen duty and housework fall
1933 	 mostly on Manuela, who comes in three times a week to do laundry, dust and vacuum, cook and freeze meals.
1934 	 **
1935 	 As for Daddy, well, he pretty much
1936 	 works from early morning until the sun creeps toward the western
1937 	 horizon. The closest DMV is in Lompoc, a half hour from here. Closed Saturdays.
1938 	 **
1939 	 Not that Daddy is likely to let me
1940 	 have my license anyway. A car means
1941 	 escape. And I'm pretty sure he plans to keep me his prisoner forever.
1942 	 73
1943 	 
1944 	 
1945 	 
1946 	 The More Immediate Problem
1947 	 
1948 	 is I need a ride home and the parking lot is deserted. Everyone bails as soon as the last bell rings. Walking home
1949 	 **
1950 	 isn't impossible, but it's five miles away.
1951 	 Who can I call? Ian, of course. But his cell
1952 	 rings four times, goes to voice mail.
1953 	 **
1954 	 I try Shelby. Katrina. Lisa. Danette. No luck.
1955 	 Everyone's busy, grounded, unavailable, or simply not picking up.
1956 	 **
1957 	 Just as I think I'll have to walk after all, a black Charger draws even, window lowering.
1958 	 
1959 	 Something wrong?
1960 	 It's Mr. Lawler.
1961 	 
1962 	 **
1963 	 Kind of. I missed the bus. I've called everyone
1964 	 I know but can't seem to find a ride home."
1965 	 
1966 	 Hop in. I'll take you. I'm going that way.
1967 	 
1968 	 **
1969 	 Does he know where I live? I give the parking
1970 	 lot another scan. He smiles at my hesitation.
1971 	 
1972 	 What? Don't tell me you don't trust me?
1973 	 
1974 	 74
1975 	 
1976 	 
1977 	 
1978 	 Not at All
1979 	 
1980 	 You can't trust a man, any man, any more than you can
1981 	 put your
1982 	 faith in a rabid dog, not
1983 	 even your
1984 	 own dog, one who would
1985 	 never hurt
1986 	 you, except he's rabid.
1987 	 **
1988 	 Not sure why I believe that.
1989 	 But I solidly
1990 	 do. I've seen guys act like they are just so in love with their girl-
1991 	 of-the-moment, only to turn around and dump her cold.
1992 	 **
1993 	 And as for adult men, men who should not look twice at someone
1994 	 half their age, well that rarely turns out to be their MO.
1995 	 No, their method of operation is to hang
1996 	 out their tongues and pant.
1997 	 75
1998 	 
1999 	 
2000 	 
2001 	 To Be Fair
2002 	 
2003 	 I haven't seen Mr. Lawler
2004 	 actually pant. And the only
2005 	 time I've seen his tongue
2006 	 **
2007 	 is when I've bothered to look.
2008 	 So I say, "Of course I trust
2009 	 you. Thanks for offering."
2010 	 **
2011 	 And mostly against my better
2012 	 judgment, I open the door, slip into the shelter of his car.
2013 	 **
2014 	 
2015 	 Promise not to tell, okay?
2016 	 
2017 	 
2018 	 I could get into all kinds
2019 	 of trouble, you know.
2020 	 
2021 	 **
2022 	 My turn to smile.
2023 	 "What? For rescuing a damsel in distress?"
2024 	 **
2025 	 
2026 	 For others' perceptions.
2027 	 
2028 	 
2029 	 But I promise to be the
2030 	 perfect gentleman.
2031 	 
2032 	 **
2033 	 He turns toward town, drives cautiously, completely the perfect gentleman.
2034 	 76
2035 	 
2036 	 
2037 	 
2038 	 Some Girls I Know
2039 	 
2040 	 Talk about Mr. Lawler like he's on their "available" list or some-
2041 	 thing. He's not married, at least
2042 	 I don't think
2043 	 so. I guess he could be closet
2044 	 married, but why bother?
2045 	 Teachers and students?
2046 	 Absolutely taboo! If
2047 	 I could ever
2048 	 get past my private taboo,
2049 	 I'd have to call Mr. Lawler
2050 	 "cute." But how could I
2051 	 get beyond the fact that he's almost as old as Daddy? And yet, as we drive along, I find myself
2052 	 moving closer to him, pretending
2053 	 I can't quite hear what he's
2054 	 saying with his frothy, smooth
2055 	 cappuccino voice. One time in class a couple of weeks ago, he was lecturing about immigration.
2056 	 I was lost in reverie about the night
2057 	 before, and when Mr. Lawler called on me, I almost answered, "Yes,
2058 	 Daddy?"
2059 	 77
2060 	 
2061 	 
2062 	 
2063 	 
2064 	 
2065 	 Raeanne
2066 	 
2067 	 
2068 	 
2069 	 
2070 	 Kind of Funny
2071 	 
2072 	 Watching Lawler and Kaeleigh
2073 	 pull up at the house together.
2074 	 I don't think
2075 	 I've ever seen her alone with a grown man (well, except for Daddy and he doesn't count).
2076 	 Maybe I need to miss the bus. If
2077 	 I could ever
2078 	 find a good excuse to get Lawler
2079 	 alone, he would discover a different
2080 	 Gardella girl, one who could easily
2081 	 get beyond not only his age, but also any
2082 	 stupid notion of impropriety.
2083 	 I would never act like Kaeleigh, craving his proximity, his touch, yet pretending
2084 	 not to notice the cut of his silk
2085 	 trousers, the way his biceps fill his tailored shirtsleeves. Even from a distance, I could tell he was interested in more than just giving her a ride home. She should
2086 	 consider it. After all, there happen to be better men out there than
2087 	 Daddy.
2088 	 78
2089 	 
2090 	 
2091 	 
2092 	 Other Men, Anyway
2093 	 
2094 	 A whole big, giant world, full of men. Men with blue eyes.
2095 	 Brown eyes. Green eyes. And indescribable
2096 	 shades in between. Tall men. Short men. Skinny men.
2097 	 Built men. And all combinations thereof. Nice men (so I've
2098 	 heard, but never really seen). Mean men. Decent men, indecent.
2099 	 And who knows which is the best kind to have, to hold, to love?
2100 	 I'd say, with so many men in the world, it would pay to sample a few. Scratch that. More than a few. Lots and lots. And then a few more. And maybe, after years and years of research, taste testing, and trying 'em on for size, just maybe, you might find one worth not throwing back.
2101 	 But hey, the fun is in the fishing.
2102 	 79
2103 	 
2104 	 
2105 	 
2106 	 Kaeleigh's Not into Fishing
2107 	 
2108 	 Too much effort, too few rewards.
2109 	 Watching her work Daddy now, you'd think she reeled in the big one.
2110 	 **
2111 	 Selective amnesia?
2112 	 Putting on a show?
2113 	 **
2114 	 She is a good little actress.
2115 	 Daddy is already home but hasn't yet waded into his bottle.
2116 	 **
2117 	 "You're home early today," she soothes. "Special occasion?"
2118 	 **
2119 	 He's jonesing for a swig. Can't.
2120 	 
2121 	 Your mother will be here soon.
2122 	 
2123 	 
2124 	 Press conference on the lawn.
2125 	 
2126 	 "Oh, right. I forgot. Do you want
2127 	 me to iron a shirt for you?"
2128 	 **
2129 	 Daddy shakes his head.
2130 	 
2131 	 A jacket will do. You should
2132 	 
2133 	 
2134 	 put on something pretty, though.
2135 	 
2136 	 
2137 	 **
2138 	 
2139 	 She nods and we go to change, knowing where his eyes are.
2140 	 80
2141 	 
2142 	 
2143 	 
2144 	 No Doubt
2145 	 
2146 	 He'll be watching the sway of Kaeleigh's hips, craving her.
2147 	 **
2148 	 And a drink. Not sure which one he craves more. But tonight
2149 	 **
2150 	 he'll have to play the good (sober)
2151 	 husband and devoted father.
2152 	 **
2153 	 As I slip into a Vera Wang blouse,
2154 	 Tommy Hilfiger jeans, I can hear
2155 	 **
2156 	 
2157 	 Mom's well-staged entrance.
2158 	 
2159 	 
2160 	 Hello, Raymond. You look well.
2161 	 
2162 	 
2163 	 **
2164 	 
2165 	 The election is a few precious
2166 	 weeks away. Before the final charge,
2167 	 **
2168 	 Mom needs to make her constituency
2169 	 believe she actually cares about family.
2170 	 
2171 	 **
2172 	 
2173 	 Her own family is the best place to start.
2174 	 
2175 	 They're setting up the cameras.
2176 	 
2177 	 **
2178 	 Being fairly cute and very well
2179 	 dressed, we make a damn fine photo
2180 	 **
2181 	 op, too. Especially just as the sun
2182 	 starts to sink behind our designer home.
2183 	 81
2184 	 Reporters and news crews
2185 	 have gathered on the front lawn.
2186 	 **
2187 	 Mom herds us outside.
2188 	 
2189 	 Don't forget to smile.
2190 	 
2191 	 **
2192 	 Yeah, Mom. Like what else would
2193 	 we do? Stick out our tongues?
2194 	 **
2195 	 Flip them off? Drop our pants, bend
2196 	 over, and tell them just what to kiss?
2197 	 **
2198 	 The thought makes me smile. Not only
2199 	 that, but the grin stretches lobe to lobe.
2200 	 **
2201 	 Poor Mom only knows I'm smiling.
2202 	 
2203 	 She smiles too.
2204 	 That's my girl.
2205 	 
2206 	 82
2207 	 
2208 	 
2209 	 
2210 	 Daddy Isn't Running
2211 	 
2212 	 This time round, but he has before and is intimately aware of campaign
2213 	 protocol. Exactly as might be expected,
2214 	 **
2215 	 he drapes an arm (a ravenous arm, but no one but his closest family members
2216 	 knows that) around Mom's shoulder.
2217 	 **
2218 	 She stiffens, and her smile slips ever so slightly, but I'm the only one who notices.
2219 	 And she doesn't dare shrug him off.
2220 	 **
2221 	 
2222 	 Thank you all for coming,
2223 	 she says.
2224 	 
2225 	 
2226 	 It's good to be home with my family.
2227 	 
2228 	 
2229 	 The campaign trail is a lonely one.
2230 	 
2231 	 
2232 	 **
2233 	 
2234 	 I wonder just how lonely. I wonder
2235 	 if she's getting a little on the side.
2236 	 Probably not. I can't imagine her
2237 	 **
2238 	 actually getting close enough to someone--anyone--to invite them into her bed, let alone her pants.
2239 	 **
2240 	 
2241 	 I watch her, the ultimate politician, working the press like she was born for it.
2242 	 I'll take questions now.
2243 	 
2244 	 83
2245 	 
2246 	 Queries Fly
2247 	 
2248 	 
2249 	 **
2250 	 
2251 	 
2252 	 ...universal health care
2253 	 
2254 	 
2255 	 ...uranium enrichment
2256 	 
2257 	 
2258 	 ...trade deficit
2259 	 
2260 	 
2261 	 ...right to choose
2262 	 
2263 	 
2264 	 ...gay marriage
2265 	 
2266 	 
2267 	 ...immigration reform
2268 	 
2269 	 
2270 
2271 
2272 	 **
2273 	 
2274 	 Mom is prepared, knows every answer by heart, could
2275 	 recite them in her sleep, in fact.
2276 	 Harder questions.
2277 	 **
2278 	 
2279 	 ...balanced budget
2280 	 
2281 	 
2282 	 ...troop withdrawal
2283 	 
2284 	 
2285 	 ...raising taxes
2286 	 
2287 	 
2288 	 ...torturing terrorists
2289 	 
2290 	 
2291 	 ...citizens' rights
2292 	 
2293 	 
2294 	 ...presidential authority
2295 	 
2296 	 
2297 	 **
2298 	 
2299 	 Cool under pressure, she words her responses
2300 	 carefully, no
2301 	 missteps that might
2302 	 make dirty TV spots.
2303 	 She's twelve for twelve.
2304 	 And then...
2305 	 84
2306 	 
2307 	 
2308 	 
2309 	 Some Thirtyish Ditz
2310 	 
2311 	 Tosses her long, dark-rooted
2312 	 platinum hair. In a cheap tweed suit with a skirt much too short
2313 	 **
2314 	 to compliment the blocky legs
2315 	 poking out from under it,
2316 	 **
2317 	 she clears her throat, squeaks,
2318 	 
2319 	 What about judicial reform?
2320 	 
2321 	 
2322 	 How do you feel about judges
2323 	 
2324 	 **
2325 	 
2326 	 who break the same laws
2327 	 
2328 	 
2329 	 they are sworn to uphold?
2330 	 
2331 	 All eyes latch onto Daddy, whose face is the color of raw
2332 	 cotton. His own eyes scream
2333 	 **
2334 	 panic, but the subtle shake of my
2335 	 head reassures, "Nope, not a word.
2336 	 Mom remains the stoic politician.
2337 	 
2338 	 I'm sure such a thing is a rare
2339 	 
2340 	 
2341 	 occurrence. No judge I know
2342 	 
2343 	 **
2344 	 
2345 	 holds him or herself above
2346 	 the law. It is sacrosanct.
2347 	 
2348 	 85
2349 	 Ms. Tree-Trunk Legs refuses to be so easily satisfied. She
2350 	 hems and haws, checking her
2351 	 **
2352 	 notes. Finally, just as the others
2353 	 seem ready to pack up and leave,
2354 	 **
2355 	 she throws a bucket of verbal shit.
2356 	 
2357 	 Isn't it true that while under the
2358 	 influence, your husband,
2359 	 
2360 	 
2361 	 **
2362 	 
2363 	 
2364 	 Judge Raymond Leland Gardella,
2365 	 was involved in a fatal accident? And...
2366 	 
2367 	 
2368 	 **
2369 	 
2370 	 If she thinks she can possibly
2371 	 go one-on-one with my mother and come out on top, she really
2372 	 **
2373 	 should think again. Like a wolf on a duck (with incredibly fat legs!)
2374 	 **
2375 	 Mom turns on the reporter.
2376 	 
2377 	 Ray is the finest jurist I know.
2378 	 
2379 	 
2380 	 He does not hold himself above
2381 	 
2382 	 
2383 	 **
2384 	 
2385 	 
2386 	 the law, but dispenses it with
2387 	 knowledge and forthrightness.
2388 	 
2389 	 86
2390 	 Told you Mom had every
2391 	 correct response right at her fingertips. If there was ever
2392 	 **
2393 	 any doubt about where Kaeleigh
2394 	 got her acting ability, this
2395 	 **
2396 	 afternoon smashed it to bits, and
2397 	 Mom is not quite finished yet.
2398 	 
2399 	 The incident to which you refer
2400 	 
2401 	 
2402 	 **
2403 	 
2404 	 
2405 	 was a great personal tragedy.
2406 	 
2407 	 
2408 	 Should we apologize for not dying?
2409 	 
2410 	 87
2411 	 
2412 	 
2413 	 
2414 	 Castrated
2415 	 
2416 	 Frustrated, the brittle
2417 	 blonde shakes her head, ignoring the buzz
2418 	 all around her.
2419 	 **
2420 	 What she still doesn't
2421 	 get, I'm betting, is how connected
2422 	 my parents are.
2423 	 **
2424 	 The others, still
2425 	 buzzing like electric
2426 	 lines in a storm, understand, though.
2427 	 **
2428 	 My parents' connections
2429 	 reach well beyond political circles, and some of those
2430 	 **
2431 	 connections might very
2432 	 well disconnect one
2433 	 mouthy young reporter from her job.
2434 	 88
2435 	 
2436 	 
2437 	 
2438 	 Sound Bites Bitten
2439 	 
2440 	 Mom actually cooks dinner
2441 	 tonight, perhaps worried some
2442 	 nosy journalist might peek through the window.
2443 	 Of course, it's frozen lasagna and bagged salad. But hey, who's complaining?
2444 	 It's almost like we used to be, once upon a time. If I close my
2445 	 eyes, I can almost pretend like we're a normal family, gathered round the table, discussing
2446 	 stuff like plays and grades, not unusual
2447 	 dinner-table topics like war
2448 	 chests and fund-raisers. If
2449 	 I keep my eyes closed, Mom is not indifferent, not some cardboard cutout in a lace apron. Eyes firmly
2450 	 closed, Daddy is not famished for affection, perverted or otherwise. Eyes squeezed
2451 	 tight, Kaeleigh and I are not irrelevant.
2452 	 89
2453 	 
2454 	 
2455 	 
2456 	 
2457 	 
2458 	 Kaeleigh
2459 	 
2460 	 
2461 	 
2462 	 
2463 	 Having Mom Home
2464 	 
2465 	 Makes things easier. Makes things
2466 	 harder, like looking through the window, needing to see what's on the other
2467 	 side, but your eyes have to work
2468 	 too hard to reach beyond the grime.
2469 	 It's almost as hard as pretending I don't care
2470 	 if she leaves again. Almost as hard as sitting around the dinner table like we're a cohesive family unit. A little
2471 	 pasta, little wine, little conversation.
2472 	 Damn little, which is not unusual for the Gardella clan. What talk
2473 	 there is, of course, is election talk.
2474 	 I guess I should act like I'm
2475 	 not indifferent
2476 	 and, really, I'm not. I hope with every ounce of hope I have left
2477 	 that the voters snub her. No, I'm
2478 	 not famished for revenge. I'm starved for her company and even more, for her affection. I love her, and that's
2479 	 not irrelevant.
2480 	 90
2481 	 
2482 	 
2483 	 
2484 	 Actually, I'm Hungry
2485 	 
2486 	 For more than Mom's affection.
2487 	 My body is screaming for food.
2488 	 And tonight we get the real deal (instead of our usual fast
2489 	 **
2490 	 or flash-
2491 	 **
2492 	 frozen repast).
2493 	 But any food is my
2494 	 friend because it's under my control, unlike most of the rest of my life. I eat when I'm sad.
2495 	 **
2496 	 I eat when I'm lonely. I eat when
2497 	 I hurt so much inside, it's
2498 	 either eat or find an easy way to die.
2499 	 The only
2500 	 **
2501 	 time I
2502 	 **
2503 	 
2504 	 can't eat to total contentment is when Daddy's around.
2505 	 No
2506 	 
2507 	 
2508 	 daughter of mine will wear double-
2509 	 
2510 	 
2511 	 digit clothes,
2512 	 he said once, and meant it.
2513 	 
2514 	 91
2515 	 Wonder what he thinks about Mom's
2516 	 new curves. She's put on a few pounds. All that
2517 	 rich food on the campaign trail,
2518 	 **
2519 	 I guess.
2520 	 **
2521 	 Schmooze
2522 	 'em with five-star
2523 	 dinners, high-dollar wine, and aperitifs; ask 'em for a fistful of dollars. Calorific politics at its best.
2524 	 **
2525 	 I happen to think Mom wears double-
2526 	 digit designer clothes pretty
2527 	 well. She is the portrait of a beautiful, highbrow
2528 	 **
2529 	 woman,
2530 	 **
2531 	 curves or no.
2532 	 What she doesn't look like is a girl, all narrow hips, straight waist, and teacup breasts.
2533 	 And if I have my way, I won't either.
2534 	 92
2535 	 
2536 	 
2537 	 
2538 	 And Tonight Mom's Home
2539 	 
2540 	 I can eat what I want,
2541 	 Daddy or no. After dinner
2542 	 **
2543 	 I help load the dishwasher, more to be close to Mom
2544 	 **
2545 	 than anything. Every time
2546 	 I brush against her, though,
2547 	 **
2548 	 she stiffens, like a wet sheet in January wind. Not fair.
2549 	 **
2550 	 Why can't she love me like I love her? Does she
2551 	 **
2552 	 somehow blame me? I ask
2553 	 simply, "What's wrong?"
2554 	 **
2555 	 Mom keeps scrubbing the stove, like it isn't already
2556 	 **
2557 	 spotless. Finally she says,
2558 	 
2559 	 Nothing's wrong with me
2560 	 
2561 	 
2562 	 **
2563 	 
2564 	 
2565 	 that winning this election
2566 	 
2567 	 
2568 	 won't cure. It's been a long,
2569 	 
2570 	 93
2571 	 
2572 	 hard campaign, and the polls
2573 	 
2574 	 
2575 	 say it's too close to call.
2576 	 
2577 	 **
2578 	 Nothing I didn't know.
2579 	 But there's something
2580 	 **
2581 	 more. Something I can't
2582 	 quite put my finger on.
2583 	 **
2584 	 I mean, even for Mom, this
2585 	 woman is unapproachable.
2586 	 **
2587 	 "Can I ask you something without you getting mad?"
2588 	 **
2589 	 
2590 	 Scrub. Scrub. Scrub.
2591 	 Of
2592 	 
2593 	 
2594 	 course.
2595 	 Scrub. Scrub. Scrub.
2596 	 
2597 	 
2598 	 **
2599 	 
2600 	 She's gonna get mad for sure.
2601 	 "Well, what if you don't win?"
2602 	 **
2603 	 She stops scrubbing, fires at my eyes with her own.
2604 	 **
2605 	 
2606 	 I
2607 	 can't think like that, and
2608 	 
2609 	 
2610 	 I don't want you to either.
2611 	 
2612 	 94
2613 	 
2614 	 Do you think I could just
2615 	 
2616 	 
2617 	 tuck my tail between my
2618 	 
2619 	 
2620 	 **
2621 	 
2622 	 
2623 	 legs, come home and play
2624 	 
2625 	 
2626 	 housewife? Never again!
2627 	 
2628 	 **
2629 	 So...what? If she wins, she'll
2630 	 spend most of her time n DC.
2631 	 **
2632 	 But what if she loses? Either
2633 	 way, guess who else loses?
2634 	 95
2635 	 
2636 	 
2637 	 
2638 	 Mom Pours a Glass of Wine
2639 	 
2640 	 A fine pinot noir, grown here in the valley. I've come to appreciate
2641 	 good red wine. Mom allows some with dinner sometimes. And once in a while, she allows it after dinner.
2642 	 "May I have some more too?"
2643 	 **
2644 	 She slides the bottle across the table, and I fill my glass to the brim.
2645 	 Mom and I sip in silence for a while, but eventually the building buzz in my brain opens my mouth.
2646 	 "Do you miss us when you're gone?"
2647 	 **
2648 	 Now you might think "yes" would
2649 	 pop out from between her lips, quick as a jack-in-the-box wound
2650 	 tight. No way. She tilts her head
2651 	 slightly, as if to tip the right answer into her mouth. The maneuver fails.
2652 	 **
2653 	 Suddenly, she doesn't look like a politician. She folds up, small, a woman twice her age, beneath the burdens she will forever carry.
2654 	 I don't blame her for not wanting to be here. Who does?
2655 	 96
2656 	 
2657 	 
2658 	 
2659 	 We Empty Our Glasses
2660 	 
2661 	 Mom opens another bottle, pours for us both. I'm getting
2662 	 drunk with my mother, and
2663 	 **
2664 	 
2665 	 neither of us can think of a thing to say. Finally, she says,
2666 	 I'd better go to bed.
2667 	 
2668 	 **
2669 	 "Sure, Mom. Me too."
2670 	 I go around the table, give her a hug. "Love you."
2671 	 **
2672 	 She turns, looks me in the eye.
2673 	 
2674 	 Love you too.
2675 	 She pauses, stutters,
2676 	 
2677 	 
2678 	 A...are you...all right?
2679 	 
2680 	 **
2681 	 Anger flares. I want to shout,
2682 	 "Like you suddenly care?"
2683 	 Want to cry, "Save me!"
2684 	 **
2685 	 Something acidy rises in my
2686 	 throat. If I break down, say
2687 	 those things and more, then what?
2688 	 **
2689 	 But she has already closed
2690 	 herself again, snapped shut like a heavy door.
2691 	 97
2692 	 "No," I say simply. Wineglass in hand, I start to leave, turn to see her choke back a sob.
2693 	 **
2694 	 In the living room, the TV is on, but Daddy has drunk
2695 	 himself into oblivion.
2696 	 **
2697 	 Cool. I'll be there soon
2698 	 myself. The rest of the house is dark, and I leave it that way.
2699 	 **
2700 	 I stumble up the hallway, into my bedroom. Turn on the little lamp beside my bed
2701 	 **
2702 	 Think about calling Ian.
2703 	 But it's late, and it's Friday
2704 	 night. He's asleep or out.
2705 	 98
2706 	 
2707 	 
2708 	 
2709 	 Out, Where I Should Be
2710 	 
2711 	 Where any self-respecting
2712 	 sixteen-year-old should be on Friday night. Out, getting drunk with friends or, better yet, a really fine guy, instead of tying one on at home with my marble-hearted
2713 	 mother, no less. At least I
2714 	 caught a couple of tears, which
2715 	 leaves
2716 	 me wondering if she ever
2717 	 just breaks down or freaks
2718 	 out. She used to freak out a lot before the accident. At least
2719 	 then we knew she had feelings.
2720 	 But that was before she came to be
2721 	 completely drained of emotion.
2722 	 I wonder if I would have liked her when she was young, pretty, desired.
2723 	 Did she like herself then?
2724 	 Before she had children?
2725 	 Before she met Daddy?
2726 	 99
2727 	 
2728 	 
2729 	 
2730 	 
2731 	 
2732 	 Raeanne
2733 	 
2734 	 
2735 	 
2736 	 
2737 	 I Called Mick
2738 	 
2739 	 As soon as the whole house fell
2740 	 quiet except for whiskey-fueled
2741 	 snores. Sneaking out, getting drunk, getting high. What better way to spend Friday night? Especially after too many hours stuck at home
2742 	 listening to Mom's political
2743 	 bullshit. Aaagh! Save me.
2744 	 I, for one, can't wait until she leaves
2745 	 again. Hell, maybe she'll be
2746 	 gone by the time I get up in the morning. I plan to do a lot in the way of self-medication.
2747 	 Funny term for getting screwed up to the point of passing out. I need to be
2748 	 that messed up to get to sleep at all tonight. I'm totally wound.
2749 	 Besides, I want to feel
2750 	 desired for more than what I can bring to a campaign. A campaign
2751 	 that only fills our lives with pain.
2752 	 100
2753 	 
2754 	 
2755 	 
2756 	 There's a Party
2757 	 
2758 	 Up on Figueroa. That's a mountain
2759 	 not too far from here, but far enough so parents and cops rarely want to take the drive, especially at night.
2760 	 Even if they did, we have our favorite
2761 	 party place, well off the main road, and a mile or so back on a dirt track, not something they'd happen upon.
2762 	 Great place for hide-and-seek.
2763 	 **
2764 	 Great place for a kegger, too.
2765 	 And that's our destination.
2766 	 Mick drives like a maniac, which would be all right except
2767 	 I really, really want to get high, and smoking dope and speeding
2768 	 don't exactly go hand in hand.
2769 	 **
2770 	 I could be bitchy, and it may come to that. But I'll try sweet talk first.
2771 	 "If you slow down a little, I'll roll a nice big joint. And after we smoke
2772 	 it, just maybe I'll mess around with your nice big joint too."
2773 	 Okay, so it isn't eloquent, but it works.
2774 	 101
2775 	 
2776 	 
2777 	 
2778 	 He Slows
2779 	 
2780 	 To right around the speed
2781 	 limit as I fumble under the seat, searching for his stash.
2782 	 
2783 	 This slow enough for you?
2784 	 
2785 	 
2786 	 Damn, I feel like an old woman.
2787 	 
2788 	 "Ha. Sound like one too."
2789 	 Finally, pay dirt. I reach into the baggie, extract a big bud.
2790 	 
2791 	 Hurry up with that, would ya?
2792 	 
2793 	 
2794 	 Hey, I saw you on TV tonight.
2795 	 
2796 	 I keep crumbling dope.
2797 	 "Really? You watch the news?"
2798 	 No frigging way.
2799 	 He snorts a half laugh.
2800 	 
2801 	 Nah. I was channel surfing.
2802 	 
2803 	 Ah, but of course.
2804 	 "So how'd I look? Like a movie star or what?"
2805 	 He reaches for my left boob.
2806 	 
2807 	 More like a rock star, baby.
2808 	 
2809 	 102
2810 	 God, he's a player. A lousy
2811 	 player. "Give me your lighter."
2812 	 Delectable smoke fills the cab.
2813 	 
2814 	 Hey, man. You never told
2815 	 
2816 	 
2817 	 me your mom was so hot.
2818 	 
2819 	 My body stiffens and I shove his hand away. "Shut the fuck
2820 	 up." I take a giant hit of pot.
2821 	 
2822 	 Jeez. Pushed the wrong button,
2823 	 huh? Sorry. But she is.
2824 	 
2825 	 "Mom is not hot! She's fucking
2826 	 frigid!" Why is this bugging me so effing much?
2827 	 
2828 	 Okay, okay. Really sorry.
2829 	 
2830 	 
2831 	 Now give me the damn doob.
2832 	 
2833 	 103
2834 	 
2835 	 
2836 	 
2837 	 Needless to Say
2838 	 
2839 	 I don't feel much like messing around with Mick's "nice big joint,"
2840 	 not even after killing off the nice
2841 	 big joint wrapped in a rolling paper.
2842 	 **
2843 	 Maybe after a beer or ten.
2844 	 And hey, lucky me, looks like the beer's flowing up here on Figueroa Mountain.
2845 	 **
2846 	 Twenty or so vehicles are parked
2847 	 helter-skelter, like misaligned
2848 	 zipper teeth. Some I recognize.
2849 	 Some I've never seen before.
2850 	 **
2851 	 It's an older crowd. Several
2852 	 people graduated with Mick, and a few last year. Not too
2853 	 many my age. Fine by me.
2854 	 **
2855 	 I see enough of those people
2856 	 every day at school. Who wants to socialize with them? What
2857 	 I want is to leave them in my dust.
2858 	 **
2859 	 Suddenly a familiar whine
2860 	 threatens my jocular mood.
2861 	 104
2862 	 
2863 	 Hey, Mick! I hoped you'd be here,
2864 	 even if you had to bring
2865 	 her
2866 	 along.
2867 	 
2868 	 **
2869 	 You guessed it. My delightful
2870 	 friend, Madison. She rubs up against Mick like a hungry cat.
2871 	 Is she trying to piss me off?
2872 	 **
2873 	 And here I just got unpissed.
2874 	 Two choices. Jump into the ring.
2875 	 Or turn away, move on to that really cute guy over there.
2876 	 **
2877 	 I turn to assess Mick's reaction to the fur-free feline at his arm.
2878 	 He looks vaguely intrigued, and totally unconcerned about me.
2879 	 **
2880 	 So fine. No use getting into a scratchfest. I wander over to the keg, top off a twenty-ounce
2881 	 cup, and go say hi to Prince Charming.
2882 	 105
2883 	 
2884 	 
2885 	 
2886 	 Turns Out
2887 	 
2888 	 He's not particularly charming, but at the moment, charm is not a prerequisite. I'm not looking for a life partner, just a good time.
2889 	 **
2890 	 "What's up?"
2891 	 **
2892 	 
2893 	 His eyes, the color of creamed coffee, hold mild interest.
2894 	 Not much. You
2895 	 a friend of Mick's?
2896 	 He tips his head in the direction of said Mick.
2897 	 
2898 	 **
2899 	 "Not really."
2900 	 **
2901 	 
2902 	 Hmm. Got the idea you were.
2903 	 
2904 	 
2905 	 Didn't you come together?
2906 	 He smiles at the loaded question. I
2907 	 mean,
2908 	 didn't you
2909 	 arrive
2910 	 together?
2911 	 
2912 	 
2913 	 **
2914 	 
2915 	 "Doesn't make us friends.
2916 	 But yeah, we did actually."
2917 	 My turn to smile. "And we've
2918 	 come together a few times too."
2919 	 **
2920 	 
2921 	 He looks me up and down like he's shopping.
2922 	 I see. Any plans
2923 	 to come together tonight?
2924 	 
2925 	 106
2926 	 "Nope." I part my lips bravely.
2927 	 
2928 	 "Not with
2929 	 him,
2930 	 anyway."
2931 	 
2932 	 **
2933 	 He nods his head, stands.
2934 	 
2935 	 How's that beer? Need a refill?
2936 	 
2937 	 **
2938 	 I shrug. "Sure. Don't suppose
2939 	 you happen to have anything
2940 	 stronger on you, though?"
2941 	 **
2942 	 
2943 	 It's a distinct possibility. Let's
2944 	 
2945 	 
2946 	 get those refills and take a walk.
2947 	 
2948 	 **
2949 	 It's stupid even to consider taking a walk with this guy. Like I care.
2950 	 I glance toward Mick, who is now in the truck with Madison, filling the cab with smoke. I'm so taking a walk. With a complete stranger.
2951 	 107
2952 	 
2953 	 
2954 	 
2955 	 We Wander into the Woods
2956 	 
2957 	 Sit on a big stump, slurping foamy beer.
2958 	 He's cute, really cute. So what if he's not
2959 	 much for words? He reaches into his jeans
2960 	 pocket, digging for treasure. Maybe I'll dig in there later myself. Meanwhile, I'll content
2961 	 myself with the giant fatty he lights. The pot is the same as (or very similar to) Mick's.
2962 	 **
2963 	 "So..." I cough out a big hit. "You and Mick
2964 	 share a connection, huh?"
2965 	 **
2966 	 
2967 	 Something like that.
2968 	 He laughs.
2969 	 Let's
2970 	 
2971 	 
2972 	 just say we move in mutual circles.
2973 	 
2974 	 He draws in a long, deep lungful.
2975 	 **
2976 	 I move a little closer, like I can't quite
2977 	 reach the joint. "Since we're sharing a hooter, can we, like, share names?"
2978 	 **
2979 	 
2980 	 The name's Ty. I know who you are.
2981 	 
2982 	 
2983 	 I saw you on television tonight.
2984 	 
2985 	 **
2986 	 If he says my mom is hot, I'll kill him.
2987 	 "Jeez, man. Did everybody just happen to watch the fucking news tonight?"
2988 	 **
2989 	 
2990 	 What? Did I say something wrong?
2991 	 
2992 	 Now he scoots closer. Looks into my
2993 	 
2994 	 eyes.
2995 	 Should I apologize?
2996 	 
2997 	 108
2998 	 
2999 	 
3000 	 
3001 	 The Guy Knows How
3002 	 
3003 	 To apologize, for sure. He reaches across the short distance between us, pulls me right into him, kisses me with unexpected hunger. In the time it takes me to react to that, decide
3004 	 whether or not to invite more, he already has my top button
3005 	 unbuttoned. His hands want to go under the fabric, insist on it, in fact. I should say no. Need to say no. "W-wait," I try, but no little bit of me wants to stop and Ty intuits all of that. He
3006 	 doesn't stop, and I don't try to make him. And it isn't long
3007 	 before
3008 	 I throw every ounce of caution to the nonexistent wind. With only a fleeting thought of Mick,
3009 	 I give in to this insane desire to know
3010 	 this not-quite-stranger in the most
3011 	 intimate way. And so, I sacrifice
3012 	 my inner child, give
3013 	 myself away.
3014 	 109
3015 	 
3016 	 
3017 	 
3018 	 
3019 	 
3020 	 Kaeleigh
3021 	 
3022 	 
3023 	 
3024 	 
3025 	 My Inner Child
3026 	 
3027 	 Is sobbing, crying for her mother to please, please come home, stay.
3028 	 But she is already leaving, well before dawn, as if to spend any more
3029 	 time
3030 	 here might chip her thin veneer.
3031 	 Her footsteps fall subtly in the hallway, trailed by Daddy's heavy tread and garbled entreaty not to go.
3032 	 The front door shuts emphatically.
3033 	 I tense, count his paces. Twenty to his own bed, twelve to mine. One, two.
3034 	 Three, four. Wordlessly, I beg him not to stop.
3035 	 Five, six. Seven, eight. Please, go back to bed. Nine, ten. Eleven, twelve. Pause. The knob turns. Quick, before he can open my door, I scrunch my
3036 	 eyes, will my breathing to slow.
3037 	 He steps inside, creeps to my bed.
3038 	 I give a silent prayer that he'll believe
3039 	 I'm asleep, take pity, leave me to my feigned dreams, all the while preparing to give
3040 	 myself away.
3041 	 110
3042 	 
3043 	 
3044 	 
3045 	 Daddy Strokes My Cheek
3046 	 
3047 	 His touch is soft as a dandelion, ready to release its spores.
3048 	 I feel his eyes trace my silhouette,
3049 	 **
3050 	 steel myself against what will come
3051 	 next. But the quilt doesn't move.
3052 	 **
3053 	 His lips brush my forehead.
3054 	 
3055 	 You're so much like her,
3056 	 he whispers.
3057 	 
3058 	 
3059 	 Why can't I just take it all back?
3060 	 
3061 	 **
3062 	 He crumbles on the carpet beside my bed. In the growing light,
3063 	 I slit open my eyes, watch his face
3064 	 **
3065 	 fall into his hands. Tears stream through the cracks between
3066 	 **
3067 	 
3068 	 his fingers.
3069 	 Why can't I take it back?
3070 	 
3071 	 
3072 	 Will you ever be able to forgive me?
3073 	 
3074 	 Nobody answers. Not her. Not me.
3075 	 **
3076 	 Before long, Daddy's breathing
3077 	 evens, and when he starts to snore
3078 	 **
3079 	 I slide out from under the blankets, into chill, Turkey-tainted air; tiptoe past his sleeping form. Away.
3080 	 111
3081 	 
3082 	 
3083 	 
3084 	 Not a Creature Is Stirring
3085 	 
3086 	 In the house or out, as I slide open the door, step out into the crisp Saturday morning,
3087 	 **
3088 	 biting back sudden teeth chatter.
3089 	 **
3090 	 The entire neighborhood seems asleep, not a single early-morning mower in sight.
3091 	 **
3092 	 But smoke trails zigzagging from chimneys
3093 	 **
3094 	 belie the idea that I'm completely alone.
3095 	 Someone's awake, despite the fact that the sun
3096 	 **
3097 	 has barely risen. I'll be early to work.
3098 	 **
3099 	 Usually I ride my bike the mile or so to the Lutheran home. Today I think I'll walk,
3100 	 **
3101 	 inhaling the clean of barely dawn.
3102 	 **
3103 	 Showered, made-up, and blow-dried, my body is almost as scrubbed as
3104 	 **
3105 	 the daybreak. So why do I feel dirty?
3106 	 112
3107 	 
3108 	 
3109 	 
3110 	 The Old Folks' Home
3111 	 
3112 	 Has a new arrival, one who has
3113 	 thrown the place into an uproar.
3114 	 Seems William O'Connell is something of a ladies' man.
3115 	 He's tall, or once was, having
3116 	 lost a few inches to stoop.
3117 	 And, despite his years, he's
3118 	 really quite handsome, in an aged, Irish way.
3119 	 **
3120 	 
3121 	 Come over here, m'darlin',
3122 	 he invites, to no one woman in particular.
3123 	 I'm thinking
3124 	 
3125 	 
3126 	 you're in need of a bit of male
3127 	 
3128 	 
3129 	 companionship.
3130 	 His offer is met with a chorus of giggles.
3131 	 
3132 	 **
3133 	 Ah yes, it's a breakfast to go down in the history of the Lutheran home, one to be retold in whispered tales, passed around by these good
3134 	 (if lonely) ladies. Only Greta
3135 	 seems unimpressed.
3136 	 **
3137 	 
3138 	 Who does the man believe
3139 	 he is? Sean Connery? Now
3140 	 
3141 	 
3142 	 there's an Irishman worthy
3143 	 of consideration,
3144 	 she jokes.
3145 	 
3146 	 113
3147 	 Unlike some of the home's guests,
3148 	 William is completely ambulatory.
3149 	 In fact, he gets around so well,
3150 	 I have to wonder why he's here, flitting from woman to woman like a horny hummingbird.
3151 	 I watch, amused, until it's time to clear the dishes. And that's
3152 	 when he finally catches sight of me.
3153 	 **
3154 	 
3155 	 Ah, such a sweet young rose.
3156 	 
3157 	 
3158 	 Who might I be addressing,
3159 	 my lovely little flower?
3160 	 
3161 	 **
3162 	 For no discernible reason, my arms sprout goose bumps and my forehead leaks sweat.
3163 	 I start to say "Kaeleigh," but my
3164 	 mouth clamps tight around my answer, squeezes shut around my name.
3165 	 114
3166 	 
3167 	 
3168 	 
3169 	 Memory Strikes Suddenly
3170 	 
3171 	 Chokes me. Strangles me.
3172 	 It was dark in my room.
3173 	 Very dark.
3174 	 Someone had closed the curtain.
3175 	 I was small. Maybe nine.
3176 	 Mommy wasn't home.
3177 	 But Daddy was.
3178 	 He lurched through my door.
3179 	 That scared me. But why?
3180 	 He'd never hurt me before.
3181 	 Only touched me lovingly.
3182 	 Like any Daddy.
3183 	 So why did I tremble?
3184 	 Why did I catch my breath, hold it, as if
3185 	 I might never breathe again?
3186 	 Why did my heart feel like a race-car engine?
3187 	 Daddy must have heard it.
3188 	 **
3189 	 
3190 	 Don't be afraid, little flower.
3191 	 
3192 	 
3193 	 It's only me.
3194 	 
3195 	 **
3196 	 And almost instantly, Daddy
3197 	 made everything seem just fine.
3198 	 Even when it wasn't.
3199 	 115
3200 	 
3201 	 I Didn't Panic Then
3202 	 
3203 	 But here in the dining room, terror inflates inside me
3204 	 **
3205 	 like a flame in a breeze,
3206 	 Especially when William
3207 	 **
3208 	 
3209 	 echoes,
3210 	 Won't you tell
3211 	 
3212 	 
3213 	 your name, little flower
3214 	 
3215 	 **
3216 	 Blood rushes from my face to who-knows-where, and I feel
3217 	 **
3218 	 weightless, helpless, a cloud in a cold, trembling sky.
3219 	 **
3220 	 Just as I think I'll turn and run, worse, keel completely over,
3221 	 **
3222 	 dearest Greta takes hold of me, props me up with the force of her.
3223 	 **
3224 	 
3225 	 Kaeleigh seems to have taken
3226 	 
3227 	 
3228 	 ill, William. You and she can
3229 	 
3230 	 **
3231 	 
3232 	 chat later.
3233 	 She guides me away.
3234 	 
3235 	 
3236 	 Will you come to my room for a while?
3237 	 
3238 	 **
3239 	 It's a question, not a directive, and for that I am grateful.
3240 	 116
3241 	 
3242 	 
3243 	 
3244 	 Unlike Everyone Else
3245 	 
3246 	 In my life, Greta knows when to stay silent. She sits me down in a chair by the window, settles into a rocker, opposite me.
3247 	 Then all she does is rock.
3248 	 **
3249 	 I stare out over the fog-shrouded
3250 	 valley. The gray gulps me into it, infiltrates my brain. Sad.
3251 	 Will I ever find a way beyond this sad? Tears puddle my eyes.
3252 	 **
3253 	 I let them fall, like how they
3254 	 feel, then come to my senses.
3255 	 "S-sorry," I sniffle, not sure
3256 	 why, except it's lame to cry, like it's ever done any good.
3257 	 
3258 	 Sorry? What for?
3259 	 Greta asks.
3260 	 You've
3261 	 
3262 	 
3263 	 got some powerful demons, girl,
3264 	 but I've got a few of my own.
3265 	 
3266 	 
3267 	 Already told you I'm a good listener.
3268 	 
3269 	 
3270 	 Talk to me when you're ready.
3271 	 
3272 	 117
3273 	 
3274 	 
3275 	 
3276 	 I Want to Talk
3277 	 
3278 	 But I'm not.....really sure
3279 	 what I can talk....about. Daddy?
3280 	 Not ever. Mom? Definitely not now.
3281 	 The campaign is much too close to call.
3282 	 **
3283 	 Raeanne? How I miss her, miss how
3284 	 close we once were? Miss the sisters we used to be, before...
3285 	 **
3286 	 Nope. Can't.....crack open
3287 	 that particular.....history book.
3288 	 Other family members, inexplicably
3289 	 unable or unwilling to be a part of my
3290 	 **
3291 	 life? Ian? Uh-huh. OMG! Greta is undeniably right. Some very
3292 	 intense demons have so got hold of me.
3293 	 118
3294 	 
3295 	 
3296 	 
3297 	 I Go Over to Her
3298 	 
3299 	 Wrap my arms around her neck. "Thank you. But I'm
3300 	 okay." Of course she knows
3301 	 it's a lie.
3302 	 Greta, who patiently
3303 	 waits for my confession, can see demons hip-hopping in my eyes.
3304 	 She deserves a better answer.
3305 	 "Maybe someday we can
3306 	 trade stories, okay? But
3307 	 I'm on foot today.
3308 	 Better go."
3309 	 
3310 	 Be safe,
3311 	 is her reply, and again
3312 	 
3313 	 I realize I only feel secure here.
3314 	 Passing William in the hall,
3315 	 I give his shoulder an easy
3316 	 poke.
3317 	 "Name's Kaeleigh. Gotta go.
3318 	 Be good." He offers the usual
3319 	 
3320 	 Always,
3321 	 then turns his attention to a couple of older ladies. Better
3322 	 
3323 	 them than me, and their giggles
3324 	 mean they agree. I step
3325 	 out the door, into lengthening
3326 	 afternoon, carry my demons
3327 	 home, tucked deep inside.
3328 	 119
3329 	 
3330 	 
3331 	 
3332 	 
3333 	 
3334 	 Raeanne
3335 	 
3336 	 
3337 	 
3338 	 
3339 	 We All Have Demons
3340 	 
3341 	 Some inside us, some outside.
3342 	 (Madison is a fine example of the exterior variety.)
3343 	 It's a lie to say otherwise. Kaeleigh
3344 	 can successfully stow hers away in some dark corner, but in my eyes it is better to confront them than let them roil you into turmoil. And so at the moment
3345 	 I'm thinking I'd
3346 	 better go
3347 	 get in Madison's face. For a day or two, I wasn't sure Mick was worth it. And hey, he probably
3348 	 isn't. But she has to learn not to poke
3349 	 sticks at snakes, at least not
3350 	 venomous ones. Today my
3351 	 fangs are exposed. All
3352 	 I have to do is sink
3353 	 them into the proper artery, pump a little poison, watch her bleed
3354 	 out, one less demon to contend with.
3355 	 120
3356 	 
3357 	 
3358 	 
3359 	 I Guess I Might
3360 	 
3361 	 Just leave well enough alone, but I've been thinking about Mick.
3362 	 **
3363 	 One way or another, I have to decide whether I want to keep him
3364 	 **
3365 	 He actually gave me an ultimatum
3366 	 when he found me doing the deed with Ty.
3367 	 **
3368 	 Maybe that's why I got so ballsy, had sex with Ty where I knew Mick could
3369 	 **
3370 	 find us. Maybe I had to know if he cared or not. He did! He was jealous.
3371 	 **
3372 	 I'd like to think the reason he was flirting with Madison
3373 	 **
3374 	 that night was to make me jealous.
3375 	 But I don't think he's that complicated.
3376 	 **
3377 	 "Complicated" takes more brains.
3378 	 Not that Mick is a total dolt,
3379 	 **
3380 	 but he isn't exactly Einstein, either.
3381 	 Anyway, most of Mick's brains reside
3382 	 **
3383 	 in the general area of his groin.
3384 	 One thing for sure, sex will never
3385 	 121
3386 	 be about love with Mick. I don't love
3387 	 him, and he definitely doesn't love me.
3388 	 **
3389 	 Still, he semi-fills a gaping black hole inside me. That place wants love,
3390 	 **
3391 	 maybe even needs love, but love is something I'm pretty sure doesn't exist.
3392 	 122
3393 	 
3394 	 
3395 	 
3396 	 With or Without Love
3397 	 
3398 	 I'm not ready to let him go, not without a fight. Besides the easy
3399 	 sex thing, there's still the pot.
3400 	 **
3401 	 I know they say marijuana isn't
3402 	 addictive, not like speed or heroin, which claw into you and won't let go.
3403 	 **
3404 	 Pot is more of a sweet talker, and I'm
3405 	 all over that sexy voice. I went Saturday without it, but by yesterday afternoon,
3406 	 **
3407 	 I was getting antsy. I called Mick, asked him to pick me up after church.
3408 	 Yes, I sometimes sneak off to Sunday
3409 	 **
3410 	 services, always in need of forgiveness, if not always exactly sure why. Freshly
3411 	 forgiven, I was eager for corruption.
3412 	 **
3413 	 
3414 	 Okay, I'll come get you,
3415 	 he said.
3416 	 
3417 	 
3418 	 But not if you're gonna fuck off
3419 	 on me. What was that about?
3420 	 
3421 	 **
3422 	 Not like we're exclusive, or have
3423 	 ever pretended to be. But the dope was calling. Had to play contrite.
3424 	 123
3425 	 even if it isn't my best game. "Sorry.
3426 	 Guess I was jealous of Madison and wanted to make you jealous too."
3427 	 **
3428 	 
3429 	 Yeah, well, I could have screwed
3430 	 her Friday night too. I didn't,
3431 	 even though she wanted to.
3432 	 
3433 	 **
3434 	 Zing! Off went a flare in my head.
3435 	 My temper [ature] started to rise.
3436 	 I kept it in check. "Obviously."
3437 	 **
3438 	 
3439 	 Anyway, Madison says you see
3440 	 
3441 	 
3442 	 other guys all the time. Friday
3443 	 
3444 	 
3445 	 kind of proved that, didn't it?
3446 	 
3447 	 **
3448 	 Okay, I was starting to lose it.
3449 	 "That's just bullshit! If she doesn't
3450 	 watch her effing mouth, I'll..."
3451 	 **
3452 	 
3453 	 He waited for me to finish it, but when all I could do was stammer, he asked,
3454 	 You'll what?
3455 	 
3456 	 **
3457 	 "Kick her ass."
3458 	 124
3459 	 
3460 	 
3461 	 
3462 	 But Kicking Ass
3463 	 
3464 	 Could definitely be a double-edged
3465 	 sword. Not that
3466 	 I've ever tried it.
3467 	 **
3468 	 But I can see how getting physical could relieve some tension, at least in the short run. Hauling off, letting my fists fly, and feeling them connect with her surprised face just might
3469 	 **
3470 	 make me feel a whole lot better.
3471 	 That is, until the inevitable fallout.
3472 	 Suspension for sure. Restitution, possibly. Maybe
3473 	 lockup? I could
3474 	 even find myself in my dear old
3475 	 daddy's court.
3476 	 No, the more
3477 	 I think about it, the more I
3478 	 believe there
3479 	 has to be a subtle yet satisfying
3480 	 method of revenge.
3481 	 125
3482 	 
3483 	 
3484 	 
3485 	 I Just Have to Find It
3486 	 
3487 	 And that might take a while.
3488 	 Patience? Not my best thing.
3489 	 
3490 	 **
3491 	 
3492 	 I make it through Contemporary
3493 	 Lit, still puzzling over it.
3494 	 **
3495 	 
3496 	 Spanish II.
3497 	 Si, quiero
3498 	 
3499 	 
3500 	 venganza.
3501 	 I want revenge.
3502 	 
3503 	 **
3504 	 I am on my way to history
3505 	 when opportunity falls
3506 	 **
3507 	 smack in my lap, à la a quick bathroom break.
3508 	 **
3509 	 As I start toward the girls'
3510 	 room, I notice Madison
3511 	 **
3512 	 ahead of me. She reaches into her purse, roots inside.
3513 	 **
3514 	 She glances around, but doesn't see me watch her
3515 	 **
3516 	 extract a tampon, palm
3517 	 it, and step through the door.
3518 	 **
3519 	 I can wait to pee. And now
3520 	 I've got my ammunition.
3521 	 126
3522 	 
3523 	 
3524 	 
3525 	 I'll Have to Wait to Use It, Though
3526 	 
3527 	 First I have to get through history.
3528 	 I sit in my usual seat in back, by the window, as Mr. Lawler
3529 	 passes out last week's essays.
3530 	 I can't help but notice how he moves with feline grace.
3531 	 A big cat. Jaguar, maybe.
3532 	 Or a tiger. Secure within his stripes.
3533 	 **
3534 	 Pinstripes, actually, on dark
3535 	 trousers, snug at the waist and across his hips, before falling loosely down over his thighs.
3536 	 And just as my disgusting
3537 	 brain gloms onto a sick
3538 	 image of what those thighs
3539 	 look like, his voice descends.
3540 	 **
3541 	 
3542 	 Interesting piece of writing.
3543 	 
3544 	 
3545 	 I'd like to discuss it further.
3546 	 
3547 	 
3548 	 Can you wait after class,
3549 	 or come in at lunch?
3550 	 
3551 	 Interesting, good? Or bad?
3552 	 My eyes drop, focusing on a large red A at the top of my paper. Apparently, good. "Let's do lunch."
3553 	 127
3554 	 
3555 	 
3556 	 
3557 	 Doing Lunch
3558 	 
3559 	 With Mr. Lawler will postpone
3560 	 exacting revenge. Lunch would
3561 	 **
3562 	 have been a great venue for what
3563 	 I've got in mind. Instead I'll wait
3564 	 **
3565 	 for drama--not my class, but I'll
3566 	 go to watch Kaeleigh rehearse.
3567 	 **
3568 	 At least, that will be my excuse.
3569 	 Madison will be there too.
3570 	 **
3571 	 And anyway, lunch with Mr. Lawler and his pinstripes could prove quite
3572 	 **
3573 	 interesting. Sheesh. Sometimes I turn into a major vamp. It's a fun game.
3574 	 **
3575 	 I'm all into games, distractions from the day-to-day crap. All vamp,
3576 	 **
3577 	 I open Mr. Lawler's door. "Ready for me?" His smile tells me definitely.
3578 	 **
3579 	 
3580 	 Come on in. I'm just finishing
3581 	 up here. Have a seat.
3582 	 He gestures
3583 	 
3584 	 **
3585 	 to a chair beside his desk, scribbles
3586 	 something in his grade book,
3587 	 128
3588 	 and finally looks me in the eye.
3589 	 
3590 	 I'm fascinated with your take
3591 	 
3592 	 **
3593 	 
3594 	 on the Scopes trial. How did you
3595 	 
3596 	 
3597 	 arrive at your conclusions?
3598 	 
3599 	 
3600 	 **
3601 	 
3602 	 I outline my research, add a bit about my father and his take on
3603 	 **
3604 	 this sensational piece of history--
3605 	 how different attorneys might have
3606 	 **
3607 	 made different arguments, the court
3608 	 might have allowed the jury to
3609 	 **
3610 	 sentence Scopes, and the Bible
3611 	 might have been the only source
3612 	 **
3613 	 for schoolchildren for many years to come. Hard to believe they were
3614 	 **
3615 	 such cretins in 1925, jailing a high
3616 	 school teacher for offering evolution
3617 	 **
3618 	 as an alternate theory to creationism.
3619 	 Just who were the monkeys in the "Monkey
3620 	 **
3621 	 Trial"? Anyway, the entire time I talk,
3622 	 Mr. Lawler's eyes stay fixed on mine.
3623 	 129
3624 	 
3625 	 I'm very impressed. You took
3626 	 a relatively straightforward
3627 	 
3628 	 **
3629 	 
3630 	 topic and gave it a unique
3631 	 
3632 	 
3633 	 spin. I appreciate the extra
3634 	 
3635 	 **
3636 	 
3637 	 effort that went into this essay.
3638 	 
3639 	 And then, in a completely
3640 	 **
3641 	 unexpected move, his hand
3642 	 settles gently on top of mine.
3643 	 **
3644 	 I should pretend propriety, pull
3645 	 my hand away. But I like how
3646 	 **
3647 	 it feels beneath the warmth of his, I give my most vampish
3648 	 **
3649 	 smile. "Extra effort is my middle
3650 	 name. Thanks, Mr. Lawler."
3651 	 130
3652 	 
3653 	 
3654 	 
3655 	 That Was Fun
3656 	 
3657 	 Maybe even more fun than what I've got on my
3658 	 agenda now. We shall see.
3659 	 I wander into drama, wearing
3660 	 innocent like baby powder perfume.
3661 	 Onstage, waiting for direction,
3662 	 Madison stands with a couple of girls and several guys.
3663 	 Perfect.
3664 	 God, she's such a cow, hardly even worth my
3665 	 jealous
3666 	 response. I almost change
3667 	 my mind, but then she catches
3668 	 sight of me and her expression
3669 	 puts me on my feet. Totally
3670 	 guilt
3671 	 free, I saunter up the stage
3672 	 steps. Kaeleigh hasn't yet appeared, and Ms. Cavendish won't
3673 	 know the difference unless
3674 	 I try to sing. I pass Madison's
3675 	 knot, sniff the air beside her dramatically, loudly project, "Ugh! What's that
3676 	 smell? Madison, are you on the rag?"
3677 	 131
3678 	 
3679 	 
3680 	 
3681 	 
3682 	 
3683 	 Kaeleigh
3684 	 
3685 	 
3686 	 
3687 	 
3688 	 Everyone's Laughing
3689 	 
3690 	 At Madison, whose face has turned the approximate color of pickled beets, as she struggles for a comeback. I almost
3691 	 feel sorry for her, not that she's exactly
3692 	 innocent of saying mean things to people.
3693 	 Or about people, behind their backs, or even worse, where they can overhear.
3694 	 Most everyone I know thinks she's a perfect
3695 	 bitch. Even her friends don't like her much, that's my guess. Maybe I'm
3696 	 jealous
3697 	 somehow. Nah. She's the one with the problem, not me.
3698 	 Anyway, the more I remember
3699 	 how nasty she can be, the less
3700 	 guilt
3701 	 I feel about thinking what just
3702 	 happened is funny. Still, Ian
3703 	 appeared
3704 	 just about the time she sputtered
3705 	 off. He looked at me like I was at fault. Whatever.
3706 	 Dramatically,
3707 	 I tilt my face toward the ceiling, walk by him without a word.
3708 	 132
3709 	 
3710 	 
3711 	 
3712 	 Ian Retaliates
3713 	 
3714 	 In his own subtle way, goes and sits by Shelby, rotates
3715 	 completely away from me.
3716 	 **
3717 	 I've studied this scene, know
3718 	 my lines. So why can't I
3719 	 remember a single one?
3720 	 **
3721 	 
3722 	 Uh, Kaeleigh? You seem
3723 	 a bit distracted today,
3724 	 says
3725 	 
3726 	 
3727 	 Ms. Cavendish.
3728 	 Everything okay?
3729 	 
3730 	 **
3731 	 Wonder if Ian...oh, did she just ask me a question?
3732 	 "I'm sorry, what?"
3733 	 **
3734 	 
3735 	 Definitely distracted. Get your
3736 	 
3737 	 
3738 	 script. You and Ian run lines.
3739 	 
3740 	 
3741 	 We'll block this scene later.
3742 	 
3743 	 **
3744 	 I slip quietly into the vacant
3745 	 seat on the other side of Ian.
3746 	 "She wants us to run lines."
3747 	 **
3748 	 He nods and Shelby retreats.
3749 	 Ian and I crack our scripts without exchanging glances.
3750 	 133
3751 	 
3752 	 
3753 	 
3754 	 Eventually
3755 	 
3756 	 We reach a romantic scene.
3757 	 Onstage, Ms. Cavendish
3758 	 has the chorus singing a big
3759 	 ol' production number.
3760 	 It's an unusual backdrop
3761 	 **
3762 	 for Ian's and my scripted passion.
3763 	 **
3764 	 But even with numerous
3765 	 vocal errors, corrections, and amended directions, so many distractions,
3766 	 **
3767 	 our declarations of love intertwine.
3768 	 **
3769 	 And even as Madison
3770 	 stomps back into the theater, to be corralled by Ms. C and told to join the others onstage,
3771 	 **
3772 	 Ian finally looks up, into my eyes.
3773 	 **
3774 	 Just then the bell rings, and as everyone deserts the stage, locates possessions, escapes the building, he says,
3775 	 **
3776 	 
3777 	 Sometimes I just don't know who you are.
3778 	 
3779 	 134
3780 	 
3781 	 
3782 	 
3783 	 Not Exactly
3784 	 
3785 	 The words I'd hoped to hear.
3786 	 
3787 	 Then again, what exactly
3788 	 were
3789 	 the words I'd hoped for?
3790 	 
3791 	 **
3792 	 Anyway, to be honest, sometimes I'm not so sure
3793 	 just who I am either.
3794 	 **
3795 	 So I admit, "That makes
3796 	 two of us, I guess." At least
3797 	 when I smile, he does too.
3798 	 **
3799 	 He offers me a ride home, but I opt for the bus. "Maybe
3800 	 tomorrow? I need to think."
3801 	 **
3802 	 Ian walks me to the yellow
3803 	 dinosaur, bends down, kisses a sweet good-bye.
3804 	 **
3805 	 As the bus belches and squeals, pain bubbles up inside, an evil
3806 	 spirit, demanding escape.
3807 	 **
3808 	 And by the time I reach home,
3809 	 I know I've got to uncork the bottle, free my evil genie.
3810 	 135
3811 	 
3812 	 
3813 	 
3814 	 It's Been a While
3815 	 
3816 	 Since I've really binged.
3817 	 Mostly, I guess, because things
3818 	 have seemed fairly flatlined
3819 	 recently. No major upsets.
3820 	 No major downslides.
3821 	 **
3822 	 But that episode with William
3823 	 has bothered me since it happened. I let it fester, though on the surface the blister has popped, scabbed over. William didn't
3824 	 cause the infection, he was just
3825 	 its manifestation. God, I'm so in need of spiritual antibiotics.
3826 	 **
3827 	 Then the Madison thing.
3828 	 She is a major, total shit
3829 	 stirrer, vicious clear through, and obviously out to shred
3830 	 any living thing that stands in the way of what she wants.
3831 	 On one level, what happened in drama was the funniest
3832 	 thing ever. I laughed out loud, along with most everyone
3833 	 else. So why did I feel bad later
3834 	 136
3835 	 
3836 	 
3837 	 
3838 	 But When It Comes
3839 	 
3840 	 To my personal sundae of interior upheaval,
3841 	 Daddy is the ice cream.
3842 	 Raeanne is the hot fudge.
3843 	 Mom is the whipped cream.
3844 	 And Ian is now, and maybe
3845 	 forever, the cherry on top.
3846 	 **
3847 	 Why can't he and I find a way to accept each other, lose ourselves in all-
3848 	 encompassing love, the kind that can save you?
3849 	 The kind that can glue
3850 	 all the fragments of two
3851 	 broken hearts together.
3852 	 **
3853 	 Sometimes, every once in a while, it feels like we're almost there. Close.
3854 	 So close. But then something
3855 	 happens, something out of my control, and mostly it comes from inside of me--
3856 	 this terrible black energy, wrenching us apart. I think
3857 	 I should be able to control
3858 	 it. make it go away. But I can't.
3859 	 137
3860 	 
3861 	 
3862 	 
3863 	 And So, Right now
3864 	 
3865 	 I will control one of the few
3866 	 things I can. Gaining curves.
3867 	 **
3868 	 Funny thing is, I still haven't
3869 	 graduated to double digits,
3870 	 **
3871 	 despite semiregular binges
3872 	 amounting to amazing quantities
3873 	 **
3874 	 of food. Maybe stress burns a lot of calories or something.
3875 	 **
3876 	 But hey, I'm gonna try, at least as long as there's food in the house
3877 	 **
3878 	 and Daddy isn't home. He's not.
3879 	 The garage is vacant, awaiting
3880 	 **
3881 	 the Lexus's return. I glance at the grandfather clock in the hall.
3882 	 **
3883 	 Not yet four. I should have an hour or more, all to myself and my genie.
3884 	 **
3885 	 It's screaming to be fed.
3886 	 Begging to be satisfied.
3887 	 138
3888 	 
3889 	 
3890 	 
3891 	 It's Probably Weird
3892 	 
3893 	 To think about an addiction like it's a sentient being, but that's how it feels.
3894 	 **
3895 	 Like it's something living inside you. Something
3896 	 you can't get rid of because killing it means killing you.
3897 	 **
3898 	 I can't really understand
3899 	 addictions to drugs or alcohol.
3900 	 Things that control you.
3901 	 **
3902 	 But an eating disorder is an addiction you control.
3903 	 Wait, is that paradoxical?
3904 	 I prefer to believe not.
3905 	 **
3906 	 Either way, I kick off my shoes, slide along the tile and into the kitchen, calming my genie
3907 	 **
3908 	 with promises. Twinkies. Ice
3909 	 cream bars. Halloween candy.
3910 	 Screw the trick-or-treaters.
3911 	 Little heathens are bums.
3912 	 139
3913 	 
3914 	 
3915 	 
3916 	 Sweet Stuff
3917 	 
3918 	 Sounds good, but I know from experience I'll get sick before
3919 	 I can eat enough sugar to satiate
3920 	 this kind of need. I should start with something else. Hey.
3921 	 I know. I'll binge healthy and do the five food groups.
3922 	 **
3923 	 Crackers. Chips. Both whole
3924 	 grain. Salsa. Fruit salad.
3925 	 Canned, but oh well. Cheese for the crackers. (And later, ice cream, dessert dairy.)
3926 	 Protein? Think there's lunch
3927 	 meat in the refrigerator.
3928 	 Hope it's bologna.
3929 	 **
3930 	 That just leaves fat. So I'll
3931 	 butter my bologna. First,
3932 	 I spread a quarter roll of paper
3933 	 towels on the table. Have to do this crumb free. Next
3934 	 I arrange silverware in a perfectly straight line.
3935 	 **
3936 	 About the time I turn toward the cupboards, I notice the obnoxious repetitive noise.
3937 	 140
3938 	 
3939 	 
3940 	 
3941 	 The Answering Machine
3942 	 
3943 	 Is beeping, accompanied by a red warning light.
3944 	 
3945 	 Blip-blip-blip.
3946 	 Three messages.
3947 	 
3948 	 **
3949 	 
3950 	 One: Mom.
3951 	 Can't talk
3952 	 
3953 	 
3954 	 long. But thought you'd
3955 	 
3956 	 
3957 	 want to know, in case
3958 	 
3959 	 
3960 	 you haven't checked,
3961 	 the campaign is picking
3962 	 
3963 	 
3964 	 up. I'm ahead in current
3965 	 
3966 	 
3967 	 polls. Will be home to watch
3968 	 the election coverage.
3969 	 Click.
3970 	 
3971 	 **
3972 	 Awesome. Looks like we'll lose her completely. Not that I expected
3973 	 anything else. No, not at all.
3974 	 **
3975 	 
3976 	 Two: Daddy.
3977 	 Can't talk
3978 	 
3979 	 
3980 	 long. But wanted to let
3981 	 
3982 	 
3983 	 you know I'm going out
3984 	 to dinner with a colleague.
3985 	 
3986 	 
3987 	 It could go pretty late,
3988 	 so don't worry if you don't
3989 	 
3990 	 
3991 	 see me tonight. Any problems,
3992 	 call my cell phone and I'll
3993 	 
3994 	 
3995 	 get back to you ASAP.
3996 	 
3997 	 **
3998 	 "ASAP," pronounced like a word, instead of initials. No problem,
3999 	 Daddy. I'm feeling pretty good now.
4000 	 141
4001 	 
4002 	 
4003 	 
4004 	 My Head Is in the Fridge
4005 	 
4006 	 When the third message
4007 	 fires up. The voice is unfamiliar, but it's someone I sort of know.
4008 	 **
4009 	 
4010 	 Hello? I'm trying to reach
4011 	 
4012 	 
4013 	 Raymond Gardella. Ray?
4014 	 
4015 	 
4016 	 This is your father. I know
4017 	 
4018 	 
4019 	 it's been a long time with
4020 	 no word from me. But
4021 	 
4022 	 
4023 	 something has come up
4024 	 that I thought you should
4025 	 
4026 	 
4027 	 hear about ASAP....
4028 	 
4029 	 **
4030 	 A-S-A-P. Unlike Daddy,
4031 	 Grandpa Gardella uses the initials, not the acronym.
4032 	 **
4033 	 
4034 	 I had a visit from your mother,
4035 	 returned from who-knows-where.
4036 	 
4037 	 
4038 	 She wanted to know how
4039 	 to find you. Apparently, she's
4040 	 
4041 	 
4042 	 actually paid attention to
4043 	 the news lately. She knows
4044 	 
4045 	 
4046 	 your wife is running for Congress.
4047 	 
4048 	 
4049 	 My guess is she's out to make
4050 	 
4051 	 
4052 	 trouble unless you shove
4053 	 a few dollars in her direction.
4054 	 
4055 	 
4056 	 If I were you, I'd expect a call.
4057 	 
4058 	 142
4059 	 
4060 	 
4061 	 
4062 	 The Impossible News
4063 	 
4064 	 Steals my breath, chases away
4065 	 all desire for food. I thought for sure my grandmother was dead
4066 	 And now this not-so-distant
4067 	 relative crawls from the grave, a ghost.
4068 	 I wonder where she's been, why it's taken so many years for her to reappear. And now, three weeks until the election, she materializes from the ether, robed in evil
4069 	 intent? What information
4070 	 can she possibly have? What
4071 	 dark recess of Daddy's past harbors
4072 	 secrets that could sway voters
4073 	 away from Mom now? Will
4074 	 my grandmother really, truly
4075 	 appear on our doorstep, hugging
4076 	 malevolence, money her only motivation?
4077 	 Has she no desire to reconnect with her son, meet his family, become our family too? Do we
4078 	 want
4079 	 that, even if she does? One of those faded filmclips
4080 	 flickers in distant memory.
4081 	 143
4082 	 
4083 	 
4084 	 
4085 	 
4086 	 
4087 	 Raeanne
4088 	 
4089 	 
4090 	 
4091 	 
4092 	 Rich!
4093 	 
4094 	 Both the Haagen-Dazs bar
4095 	 dripping into my mouth and Grandpa Gardella's
4096 	 phone message.
4097 	 A ghost from Daddy's past, one who has remained invisible
4098 	 (almost so, anyway) for a very long time, materializes from some sordid history
4099 	 we probably don't want to know about. Kaeleigh, the dimwit, is thrilled. She
4100 	 harbors
4101 	 some idiotic curiosity about our genealogy, as if dissecting the beast
4102 	 could help us escape its
4103 	 malevolence.
4104 	 But I know that this poorly
4105 	 timed turn of events can only
4106 	 lead to more pain. Sorry, Kaeleigh, but Daddy's mommy can only
4107 	 want
4108 	 one thing: more than a few bucks.
4109 	 144
4110 	 
4111 	 
4112 	 
4113 	 What a Great Thing
4114 	 
4115 	 To come home to. Something
4116 	 new. Sure to cause a major stir.
4117 	 **
4118 	 Life is rarely dull around here.
4119 	 I consider calling Daddy,
4120 	 **
4121 	 more to mess up his dinner out than anything. But then it strikes
4122 	 **
4123 	 me that I want to see the look on his face when he hears the news.
4124 	 **
4125 	 Maybe I should call Mom instead.
4126 	 Someone should break it to her.
4127 	 **
4128 	 Wonder how long she'll be ahead in the polls, should the ghost decide
4129 	 **
4130 	 to spread some unimaginable
4131 	 rumors about dear old Daddy.
4132 	 145
4133 	 
4134 	 
4135 	 
4136 	 What Could the Gossip Be?
4137 	 
4138 	 She can't have a clue about Daddy and Kaeleigh. Unless she's been spying, completely covertly, for a very long time. Grandpa Gardella
4139 	 didn't even know about us until just a few years ago.
4140 	 And our grand-
4141 	 mother was still, to everyone's
4142 	 knowledge, totally out of the picture then--gone or dead.
4143 	 So what can she possibly
4144 	 hold over Daddy's head
4145 	 now? Could it have something to do with why
4146 	 Grandpa and
4147 	 Daddy don't
4148 	 speak to each
4149 	 other? Did my
4150 	 father shoot up heroin? Sacrifice neighborhood
4151 	 pets? Hit-and-run, DUI, or shoot
4152 	 someone, by accident or on purpose?
4153 	 
4154 	 My curiosity is killing me because
4155 	 nquiring
4156 	 
4157 	 
4158 	 minds want to know.
4159 	 
4160 	 146
4161 	 
4162 	 
4163 	 
4164 	 Mom Will Want to Know
4165 	 
4166 	 Although maybe not from me.
4167 	 But hey, what's a daughter for?
4168 	 Not sure what city she's touched down in tonight, but it will
4169 	 be pretty late. It's ten here.
4170 	 **
4171 	 Mom's cell rings five times, threatens to go to voice mail, but she picks up before it does.
4172 	 
4173 	 Yes?
4174 	 Okay, she's miffed, but not as miffed as she's going to be.
4175 	 
4176 	 **
4177 	 "Uh, Mom? It's me. We got a phone message today that I
4178 	 think you should know about sooner rather than later.
4179 	 Let me play it for you."
4180 	 **
4181 	 I hold the receiver up to the speaker. When the message
4182 	 finishes, I wait out the silence.
4183 	 
4184 	 Finally she says,
4185 	 Thank you.
4186 	 
4187 	 
4188 	 I'll put some people on it.
4189 	 
4190 	 **
4191 	 People? Mom has people?
4192 	 I mean, I knew she had a staff, connections even. But "people," as in people who handle stuff like a crazy long-lost relative?
4193 	 147
4194 	 
4195 	 
4196 	 
4197 	 Wonder If I Should Be Scared
4198 	 
4199 	 Or at the very
4200 	 least, a little nervous.
4201 	 **
4202 	 Wonder what it would
4203 	 take to make
4204 	 **
4205 	 Mom decide to put her people on me.
4206 	 **
4207 	 I know a secret or two
4208 	 myself. What if
4209 	 **
4210 	 I threatened to go public unless she bought
4211 	 **
4212 	 me a car, paid for my
4213 	 insurance, took
4214 	 **
4215 	 two hours of her precious time to help me
4216 	 **
4217 	 get my license? Hey! Great
4218 	 idea. Or not.
4219 	 **
4220 	 Really, how far
4221 	 would I go if she said no?
4222 	 148
4223 	 
4224 	 
4225 	 
4226 	 How Far Will I Go
4227 	 
4228 	 To enjoy this little game?
4229 	 Daddy will be home soon, at least I assume he will be.
4230 	 It might be fun to watch
4231 	 him pick up the message, squirm. Freak. Go ballistic.
4232 	 **
4233 	 But just imagine the fun
4234 	 if I erase the warning, wait
4235 	 things out. See if my loser
4236 	 grandmother actually rings the bell one day. Surprise!
4237 	 Guess who's coming to dinner,
4238 	 **
4239 	 Daddy o' mine. Wow. Decisions.
4240 	 Decisions. Kaeleigh would want to tell, but she's crawled on off somewhere. To erase or not to erase, that is the question.
4241 	 While I think it over, I'll make
4242 	 **
4243 	 an easier decision. Another
4244 	 Haagen-Dazs bar? Why not?
4245 	 Ex-Lax awaits. Chocolate melting into my mouth, I go over to the counter, watch the red light
4246 	 flash three times, extinguish it.
4247 	 149
4248 	 
4249 	 
4250 	 
4251 	 In the Dark
4252 	 
4253 	 of my room, I try to sleep, but thoughts whirl through
4254 	 **
4255 	 my skull, cerebral tornadoes.
4256 	 **
4257 	 Life, I'm fairly sure, is about to change. But for better or worse?
4258 	 **
4259 	 Any guess is as good as mine.
4260 	 **
4261 	 What would happen if all our dirty
4262 	 laundry was hung out on a line
4263 	 **
4264 	 where the entire world could see it?
4265 	 **
4266 	 Would Daddy still be a judge?
4267 	 Would Mom still run away?
4268 	 **
4269 	 Kaeleigh and I be taken,
4270 	 **
4271 	 forced into foster care? Would our
4272 	 lives be less filled with misery?
4273 	 **
4274 	 Or would it just be more of the same?
4275 	 **
4276 	 My eyes grow heavy, less with weariness than with remembrance.
4277 	 **
4278 	 A certain night blurs into focus.
4279 	 150
4280 	 
4281 	 
4282 	 
4283 	 Mom Was Gone Again
4284 	 
4285 	 Can't exactly remember why, only that we didn't expect her to come home until very late.
4286 	 It was dark in our room.
4287 	 **
4288 	 Velvety black. Someone had closed the curtain. Kaeleigh was scared.
4289 	 I tried to tell her not to worry, but just
4290 	 then, Daddy burst through the door.
4291 	 **
4292 	 I closed my eyes tight, made myself
4293 	 no more than a shadow. Something about him was different. I didn't
4294 	 want that something to find me.
4295 	 **
4296 	 I cracked my eyes just a slit as he sat on Kaeleigh's bed, pulled her into his lap. He smelled of Brut and Wild
4297 	 Turkey. His peculiar potpourri.
4298 	 **
4299 	 
4300 	 "
4301 	 I
4302 	 love you so much, my little
4303 	 
4304 	 
4305 	 flower. Daddy needs something
4306 	 from my girl, my sweet rose.
4307 	 
4308 	 
4309 	 Will you give it to me?
4310 	 
4311 	 **
4312 	 I wanted to be his little flower, would have given my daddy anything.
4313 	 What did he want from Kaeleigh?
4314 	 She laid her head on his chest. "What?"
4315 	 151
4316 	 
4317 	 "I
4318 	 want you to see something,
4319 	 something that proves how
4320 	 
4321 	 
4322 	 much I love you. This is only
4323 	 for you, Kaeleigh girl.
4324 	 
4325 	 **
4326 	 He lifted her gently, sat her down on the bed beside him.
4327 	 Then he opened the snaps on the fly of his flannel pajamas.
4328 	 **
4329 	 It stood up, stiff as a stalagmite.
4330 	 
4331 	 See how much Daddy loves you?
4332 	 
4333 	 
4334 	 Show me you love me, too. Touch
4335 	 
4336 	 
4337 	 it.
4338 	 He closed her hand around it.
4339 	 
4340 	 **
4341 	 I know it sounds bad, but I wanted to touch it too. I didn't know
4342 	 what it meant, only that it made Daddy
4343 	 happy. I wanted to make him happy too.
4344 	 **
4345 	 
4346 	 That's right. That's right.
4347 	 
4348 	 
4349 	 His voice rocked in rhythm with his body.
4350 	 Oh yes, my Kaeleigh
4351 	 
4352 	 
4353 	 loves me. My little flower...
4354 	 
4355 	 152
4356 	 
4357 	 
4358 	 
4359 	 Kaeleigh Didn't Know
4360 	 
4361 	 What any of it meant
4362 	 either.
4363 	 But we both knew
4364 	 **
4365 	 somehow it was important, because when Daddy
4366 	 **
4367 	 finished, he burrowed his face into Kaeleigh's hair
4368 	 **
4369 	 and wept. Confused at his tears, and at the sticky stuff icing
4370 	 **
4371 	 her hands, still Kaeleigh
4372 	 pleaded,
4373 	 "Don't cry, Daddy.
4374 	 **
4375 	 What's the matter? Didn't
4376 	 I love
4377 	 you good enough?"
4378 	 153
4379 	 
4380 	 
4381 	 
4382 	 That Brought Him Out of His Trance
4383 	 
4384 	 Like he suddenly realized just what
4385 	 he'd done. He scrambled for cover.
4386 	 **
4387 	 
4388 	 Yes, you loved me good enough.
4389 	 
4390 	 
4391 	 So very good! But it's our secret, okay?
4392 	 
4393 	 **
4394 	 
4395 	 Because if anyone knew how much
4396 	 
4397 	 
4398 	 you love me, they'd be jealous.
4399 	 
4400 	 **
4401 	 Now Kaeleigh was really confused.
4402 	 "Can I tell Mama our secret?"
4403 	 **
4404 	 
4405 	 No! Especially not Mama. She'd get
4406 	 
4407 	 
4408 	 mad because she doesn't love me
4409 	 
4410 	 **
4411 	 
4412 	 like you. She might even go away.
4413 	 
4414 	 
4415 	 You don't want that, do you?
4416 	 
4417 	 **
4418 	 She thought it over. Again and again.
4419 	 But she finally agreed, "I won't tell."
4420 	 **
4421 	 Daddy pulled her against him. Good.
4422 	 
4423 	 That's very good. It's okay to have
4424 	 
4425 	 
4426 	 **
4427 	 
4428 	 
4429 	 secrets between Daddy and his girl.
4430 	 
4431 	 
4432 	 Just remember. No one likes a tattletale.
4433 	 
4434 	 **
4435 	 
4436 	 Especially not Daddy.
4437 	 
4438 	 154
4439 	 
4440 	 
4441 	 
4442 	 She Never Tattled
4443 	 
4444 	 Didn't want Daddy to get mad.
4445 	 Didn't want her mama to go
4446 	 away, though she'd already
4447 	 gone in spirit, if not yet physically.
4448 	 Hard to understand.
4449 	 Harder yet to believe.
4450 	 Especially when your own
4451 	 need is so great. The simple
4452 	 need to absorb your mother's love.
4453 	 Kaeleigh always needed
4454 	 that more than I. No, I
4455 	 crave
4456 	 more our father's affection.
4457 	 But can anyone really love him
4458 	 good enough to fill a well of want so deep it must extend all the way to his core, the very
4459 	 "who" of who he is? And one
4460 	 bigger question remains, begging an answer: Just who (or what?)
4461 	 drilled that well in the first place?
4462 	 155
4463 	 
4464 	 
4465 	 
4466 	 
4467 	 
4468 	 Kaeleigh
4469 	 
4470 	 
4471 	 
4472 	 
4473 	 This Morning I Wake
4474 	 
4475 	 Mired in confusion, an odd
4476 	 sort of throb in my torso.
4477 	 Hunger. The specter of my genie, physically
4478 	 haunting me. Stalking me.
4479 	 Beneath my silk
4480 	 pajama top, my empty
4481 	 belly lies, flatter than ever. I
4482 	 need
4483 	 that binge, and something
4484 	 more. Something to make me
4485 	 feel necessary. Alive. This thing I
4486 	 crave
4487 	 (no, can't) is new. Forbidden.
4488 	 (No. Don't.) What's wrong with me? I can't believe I
4489 	 want
4490 	 this. Why me? Why now?
4491 	 Why at all? My hand floats across my curvelessness, moves lower, to the need.
4492 	 Who (or what?)
4493 	 can I make believe is loving me?
4494 	 156
4495 	 
4496 	 
4497 	 
4498 	 Am I Sick?
4499 	 
4500 	 My skin is hot. Fevered. Demanding to be soothed. Touched. Satisfied.
4501 	 **
4502 	 Have I gone crazy? I have never, ever
4503 	 done such a thing. Never unlocked
4504 	 **
4505 	 this private room inside of me. Never
4506 	 ever wanted to take a look inside.
4507 	 **
4508 	 Am I possessed? Entered by a demon, chained and padlocked, inside of myself?
4509 	 **
4510 	 I feel possessed, taken by some evil, sick desire. Desire I can't control.
4511 	 **
4512 	 What is wrong with me? I don't want
4513 	 this. Oh God. It can't feel good.
4514 	 **
4515 	 But it does.
4516 	 But it does.
4517 	 **
4518 	 It does.
4519 	 It does.
4520 	 **
4521 	 Does.
4522 	 Does.
4523 	 157
4524 	 
4525 	 
4526 	 
4527 	 Totally Humiliated
4528 	 
4529 	 I go into the bathroom.
4530 	 I'd like to take a hot bath, but no time now. I'll have to settle for a shower.
4531 	 The steamy cascade
4532 	 streams over my body.
4533 	 Sandalwood soap
4534 	 lifts in a fragranced
4535 	 fog, cleanses and perfumes skin and air.
4536 	 Nasty stickers of hair
4537 	 defile me, the goddess
4538 	 within. I reach for my
4539 	 razor, triple bladed and critically sharp.
4540 	 I've shaved my legs for years, know to be careful, yet suddenly I don't
4541 
4542 	 give a fuck and push
4543 	 hard. The consequences are immediate. Blood
4544 	 streams from the long, wide slice I've opened.
4545 	 It vanishes down the drain, and I can't help but smile.
4546 	 158
4547 	 
4548 	 
4549 	 
4550 	 Yeah, it Stings
4551 	 
4552 	 But at least I feel something.
4553 	 Something besides hungry.
4554 	 Something besides afraid.
4555 	 **
4556 	 Weird. I always thought
4557 	 cutters were sick. Sicker than me, even. But with
4558 	 **
4559 	 a single swipe I understand
4560 	 why they do it. Why they like it, even though they hate it.
4561 	 **
4562 	 I let the water run over the cut, ratchet it hotter, watch the blood
4563 	 slow, stutter, almost halt.
4564 	 **
4565 	 I like the way the exposed flesh
4566 	 looks, all pinkish white. It looks
4567 	 new, although I know that isn't right.
4568 	 **
4569 	 It's the same age as my skin, my bones. Me. It's been there with me since the beginning.
4570 	 **
4571 	 Been there with me through thick. Thin. Daddy. Suddenly
4572 	 I don't like how it looks at all.
4573 	 159
4574 	 
4575 	 
4576 	 
4577 	 Ugly Flesh
4578 	 
4579 	 Still exposed, I dress in loose
4580 	 drawstring pants, a soft, baggy
4581 	 blouse. Definitely not haute couture.
4582 	 **
4583 	 In fact, I look like a pregnant hippie.
4584 	 **
4585 	 To complete the look, I make two long
4586 	 braids with my grown-out bangs, pull them together in back. All I need
4587 	 now is some daisies to weave in.
4588 	 **
4589 	 Several minutes behind my usual
4590 	 schedule, guess I'd better skip
4591 	 breakfast. Somehow I've lost
4592 	 my appetite anyway.
4593 	 **
4594 	 Not gonna go double digits like this, but I've got plenty of time to work on it.
4595 	 And the baggy pants make me
4596 	 look larger than the size seven
4597 	 **
4598 	 I keep trying to outgrow.
4599 	 160
4600 	 
4601 	 
4602 	 
4603 	 Backpack Stuffed
4604 	 
4605 	 With homework and books, I maneuver the hallway as quietly as possible.
4606 	 **
4607 	 Right hand on the latch, I'm almost out into the cold, cold morning when
4608 	 **
4609 	 the sledgehammer falls:
4610 	 **
4611 	 
4612 	 Where do you think you're going,
4613 	 dressed like some lunatic street person?
4614 	 
4615 	 
4616 	 **
4617 	 
4618 	 Just the tone of Daddy's voice makes
4619 	 my entire body quake. I don't dare turn
4620 	 **
4621 	 around, don't dare look into his eyes.
4622 	 
4623 	 In them, I know I'll see the
4624 	 real
4625 	 lunatic.
4626 	 
4627 	 **
4628 	 I find an excuse. "Uh, we...we have a play rehearsal this morning. This will
4629 	 **
4630 	 help me get into my role, that's all."
4631 	 **
4632 	 He doesn't buy a word of it.
4633 	 **
4634 	 
4635 	 Today is Wednesday. You have drama
4636 	 
4637 	 
4638 	 Tuesday and Thursday afternoons.
4639 	 
4640 	 
4641 	 **
4642 	 
4643 	 Has he actually memorized my class schedule?
4644 	 Does he really keep an eye on such things?
4645 	 161
4646 	 I mean, yes, he's a control freak and all....
4647 	 I finally face him, crazy man in the eyes and all
4648 	 **
4649 	 He's there, okay, daring me not to admit the lie. I know better. "Yes, that's right,
4650 	 **
4651 	 but I'm already running late. I don't
4652 	 have time to change now."
4653 	 **
4654 	 The lunatic levels me.
4655 	 **
4656 	 
4657 	 No daughter of mine goes out in public
4658 	 like that. Go change. I'll drive you.
4659 	 
4660 	 162
4661 	 
4662 	 
4663 	 
4664 	 I Back Up the Hallway
4665 	 
4666 	 Eyes firmly planted on Daddy, who follows. Why does it have to be just the two of us here?
4667 	 **
4668 	 I want my sister. I want my mom.
4669 	 Surely he won't trail me into my room. Won't watch me undress.
4670 	 **
4671 	 Won't stop me from transforming from hippie to soc. Right? Right?
4672 	 Please tell me I'm right!
4673 	 **
4674 	 I back into my room, start to close the door, hoping he won't push
4675 	 inside. "I'll hurry, okay, Daddy?"
4676 	 **
4677 	 I stare at him, try to measure
4678 	 him, and the weirdest thought
4679 	 flashes inside my head: He must
4680 	 **
4681 	 have been incredibly good-looking
4682 	 once, before life crashed around him. Took him down. He pauses.
4683 	 **
4684 	 
4685 	 Should I help you choose
4686 	 
4687 	 
4688 	 what to wear?
4689 	 His voice is soft as baby skin.
4690 	 
4691 	 163
4692 	 This can go a couple of ways.
4693 	 Say no and face his anger?
4694 	 Say yes and face...what, exactly?
4695 	 **
4696 	 Instinct tells me to accept his offer.
4697 	 Uh. Sure." But I start to shake as he steps through the doorway,
4698 	 **
4699 	 moves swiftly across the floor to my
4700 	 closet, pokes inside, swaying back and forth like an Indian cobra charmer.
4701 	 **
4702 	 
4703 	 This,
4704 	 he says,
4705 	 has always
4706 	 been one of my favorites. You
4707 	 
4708 	 
4709 	 look like your mother in it.
4710 	 
4711 	 164
4712 	 
4713 	 
4714 	 
4715 	 He Caresses
4716 	 
4717 	 A pink angora sweater, pets it softly, as if it were the bunny the fur was stripped from.
4718 	 **
4719 	 He hands it to me, along with a slim pair of burgundy
4720 	 jeans. Daddy has good taste.
4721 	 **
4722 	 I take his offerings, start toward the bathroom, but he stops
4723 	 me with the force of his eyes.
4724 	 **
4725 	 I know what he wants. Sudden
4726 	 nausea rocks me, but just as I think for sure I'll vomit right here,
4727 	 **
4728 	 the telephone rings, yanking
4729 	 Daddy from his trance.
4730 	 His head turns toward the door.
4731 	 
4732 	 Oh. Been expecting that call.
4733 	 
4734 	 
4735 	 Hurry and change. You don't
4736 	 
4737 	 
4738 	 want to be late for school.
4739 	 
4740 	 165
4741 	 
4742 	 
4743 	 
4744 	 The Jeans Rub My Cut
4745 	 
4746 	 And painfully so, but the pain
4747 	 reminds me that I'm still
4748 	 alive, still in control of at least one
4749 	 thing.
4750 	 Right now I need to feel more in control, so I stash my
4751 	 hippie clothes deep in my book
4752 	 bag.
4753 	 Daddy is still on the phone.
4754 	 I call "good-bye," rush
4755 	 out the door, down the street, after the bus.
4756 	 I can see the flash of its tail-
4757 	 lights, breathe its greasy
4758 	 exhaust, but I
4759 	 can't catch up to it.
4760 	 I watch it swing wide, onto the highway and up the hill toward school. Now
4761 	 what?
4762 	 Behind me, I hear a well-
4763 	 tuned car and know without turning
4764 	 it's Daddy's
4765 	 Lexus.
4766 	 166
4767 	 
4768 	 
4769 	 
4770 	 He Pulls Up
4771 	 
4772 	 Not quite scraping the curb.
4773 	 The window lowers, and I wait,
4774 	 **
4775 	 expecting a hot wave of anger.
4776 	 Instead his eyes sweep over
4777 	 **
4778 	 my body, assessing. He catches
4779 	 something he doesn't like.
4780 	 **
4781 	 
4782 	 Much better, except for your
4783 	 
4784 	 
4785 	 hair. Take them out.
4786 	 
4787 	 **
4788 	 Take what out? Oh, the braids.
4789 	 I do as instructed. Wait again.
4790 	 **
4791 	 
4792 	 That will do. Now get in. Why
4793 	 
4794 	 
4795 	 didn't you wait for me?
4796 	 
4797 	 **
4798 	 "You were still on the phone.
4799 	 I thought I could catch the bus."
4800 	 **
4801 	 I settle into the plush warmed
4802 	 leather, unworthy of its comfort.
4803 	 **
4804 	 
4805 	 You know I hate disobedience.
4806 	 
4807 	 
4808 	 I hope it won't happen again.
4809 	 
4810 	 **
4811 	 "I'm sorry, Daddy. I was just
4812 	 trying to save you the trouble...."
4813 	 167
4814 	 His head snaps in my direction, and his hand flashes toward me.
4815 	 **
4816 	 It takes all my willpower not to flinch, not to bloat his anger.
4817 	 **
4818 	 His fingers catch my cheeks, pinch until my mouth opens.
4819 	 **
4820 	 
4821 	 I'll
4822 	 decide what is or isn't trouble.
4823 	 
4824 	 
4825 	 You just follow orders. Understand?
4826 	 
4827 	 
4828 	 **
4829 	 
4830 	 Drool dripping from my open
4831 	 mouth, all I can do is nod.
4832 	 **
4833 	 His hand falls away from my face, and stress falls away from his.
4834 	 **
4835 	 
4836 	 That's my girl. You're the one
4837 	 
4838 	 
4839 	 person in the world I can count on.
4840 	 
4841 	 168
4842 	 
4843 	 
4844 	 
4845 	 After That
4846 	 
4847 	 He pulls carefully away from the curb, turn signal
4848 	 doing its obligatory thing.
4849 	 To the casual observer,
4850 	 I know, we are quite a picture.
4851 	 Judge Gardella, dashing in tailored navy blue, and his teenage daughter, pretty in pink angora. But what's underneath that sweater is the antithesis of normality, however that word is defined.
4852 	 And hey, when it comes to abnormal, I can only
4853 	 be one-upped
4854 	 by
4855 	 the man driving the car. What
4856 	 would the neighbors think if they
4857 	 could look through our windows, beyond the closed curtains, and see
4858 	 what's inside?
4859 	 169
4860 	 
4861 	 
4862 	 
4863 	 
4864 	 
4865 	 Raeanne
4866 	 
4867 	 
4868 	 
4869 	 
4870 	 School Drags Today
4871 	 
4872 	 Not that it's ever exactly exciting, with the possible exception of Lawler's history class.
4873 	 I know
4874 	 it's terribly warped of me to spend an entire block
4875 	 thinking about what's tucked behind the man's zipper. Oh yeah, pretty
4876 	 damn sick, okay. But at least
4877 	 I'm not bored. Right now I'm in English, trying to figure
4878 	 out how the word "faggot" is defined, other than by a homophobe.
4879 	 We have to do a paper about how English has been bastardized
4880 	 by
4881 	 popular culture. But, much like Kaeleigh's door, the cover of a dictionary is not particularly
4882 	 something I want to open to see
4883 	 what's inside.
4884 	 170
4885 	 
4886 	 
4887 	 
4888 	 I'm Trying to Avoid
4889 	 
4890 	 Exactly that when Shelby
4891 	 
4892 	 taps my shoulder.
4893 	 Look.
4894 	 
4895 	 **
4896 	 Outside, clearly framed by the window glass,
4897 	 **
4898 	 my best and dearest friend
4899 	 Madison sidles up to Ian.
4900 	 **
4901 	 A deep shade of anger
4902 	 blossoms beneath my skin.
4903 	 **
4904 	 Screwing around with Mick-- and so me--is one thing.
4905 	 **
4906 	 Messing with Ian is something
4907 	 else, something unforgivable.
4908 	 **
4909 	 I can't believe I'm standing up for Kaeleigh, but I so am.
4910 	 **
4911 	 I raise my hand. "Excuse me,
4912 	 Mrs. Finch, but I feel sick.
4913 	 **
4914 	 May I go to the rest room?"
4915 	 Clearly unwilling to invite
4916 	 **
4917 	 diarrhea or vomit, she waves
4918 	 me out the door.
4919 	 171
4920 	 
4921 	 I Have No
4922 	 Real Right
4923 	 
4924 	 To play stand-in for Kaeleigh, but she wouldn't have the nerve to do
4925 	 what needs to be done anyway.
4926 	 Sorry, twin o' mine, but it's true.
4927 	 **
4928 	 I watch from a short distance for a minute or two, trying to size up the situation, head to toe. Or
4929 	 maybe boob to chest is more apt.
4930 	 **
4931 	 Not a millimeter separates Ian's
4932 	 T-shirt from Madison's blouse.
4933 	 In his defense, I will say Ian looks
4934 	 immensely uncomfortable.
4935 	 **
4936 	 As I start toward them, he sees
4937 	 me, and his demeanor shifts from complacency to sheer panic.
4938 	 Oh darlin', you just wait.
4939 	 **
4940 	 At the terrified look in his eyes,
4941 	 Madison turns to face me. Smiles.
4942 	 Oh, girl. That is so not the way to deal with this. I'm ready to rock.
4943 	 **
4944 	 But since I'm supposed to be
4945 	 Kaeleigh, I'll notch it back to something more like passive.
4946 	 At least for the moment.
4947 	 172
4948 	 
4949 	 
4950 	 
4951 	 As I Move Closer
4952 	 
4953 	 The tenor of the scene changes yet again. Madison remains
4954 	 possessive, of course. It's Ian
4955 	 whose body language alters.
4956 	 I had expected contriteness.
4957 	 Instead he seems unmovable, despite the certain emotion
4958 	 betrayed by his eyes: hurt.
4959 	 **
4960 	 Okay, what did that bitch tell
4961 	 him? All thoughts of Kaeleigh
4962 	 tossed aside, I move faster toward the two of them. With
4963 	 obvious intent. Madison's smile
4964 	 falls from her face and I know she has read the message in my eyes: Get the fuck
4965 	 away from him! She does, too.
4966 	 **
4967 	 But not far. She's a total player, and all in all, a worthy opponent.
4968 	 
4969 	 Oh, hey Hope you don't mind
4970 	 
4971 	 
4972 	 my borrowing Ian's ear. I was
4973 	 just asking him to vote for me
4974 	 for junior class president.
4975 	 
4976 	 **
4977 	 OMG! She's got to be joking.
4978 	 "Oh, really? Brave of you to run..." I leave the obvious
4979 	 173
4980 	 message hanging. Think better about letting her off so easy.
4981 	 "I'm sure Ian is smart enough to vote for the best candidate, though." Then I move between them, turn to face Ian's sad eyes.
4982 	 "May I talk to you for a minute?"
4983 	 **
4984 	 His response is unexpected.
4985 	 He levels me with his dark
4986 	 
4987 	 gaze.
4988 	 Not right now. I'm late
4989 	 for an appointment with my
4990 	 
4991 	 
4992 	 guidance counselor. Later.
4993 	 
4994 	 And off he stalks, leaving
4995 	 **
4996 	 Madison and I standing here
4997 	 together. We both stare after him, nothing left to say to each other. We both know
4998 	 exactly what the other thinks.
4999 	 174
5000 	 
5001 	 
5002 	 
5003 	 Maybe That Wasn't
5004 	 
5005 	 Such a good move. Then again, maybe it was. Hopefully I at least
5006 	 managed some sort of damage
5007 	 control. Then again, maybe not.
5008 	 I wonder what she said to Ian.
5009 	 **
5010 	 Well, it still isn't really my business.
5011 	 And right now my mind is wrapped around Mick, who's supposed to pick
5012 	 me up during third block. Spanish.
5013 	 Uh-huh, I'm ditching. Oh, well.
5014 	 **
5015 	 I stand on the side of the gym, where hopefully no teachers will
5016 	 notice me, waiting to do one
5017 	 more wrong thing. Okay, several
5018 	 wrong things, all at once.
5019 	 **
5020 	 I can't help but think about Ian, and I can't help but wonder
5021 	 what I can do to shut Madison's
5022 	 big mouth once and for all.
5023 	 It's a quandary, needing a fix.
5024 	 **
5025 	 Maybe getting my head will
5026 	 fix it, I sometimes believe I think
5027 	 best when I'm the most loaded.
5028 	 Probably just wishful thinking.
5029 	 But hey, here comes my ride.
5030 	 175
5031 	 
5032 	 
5033 	 
5034 	 Once Again
5035 	 
5036 	 My escape is successful.
5037 	 Once again
5038 	 
5039 	 Mick greets me with an uncomplicated
5040 	 Hey.
5041 	 
5042 	 Once again he points the Avalanche
5043 	 away from town, heads into the countryside.
5044 	 Once again he leaves it to me to roll and light a fatty. Has it only been a few days since I last
5045 	 indulged this not-so-bad habit?
5046 	 Once again
5047 	 we engage in easy sex, hardly a word exchanged between us. We are so not about conversation, and only
5048 	 body-to-body communication.
5049 	 Once again
5050 	 we clean up the obvious, straighten our clothing, pop a few breath mints, and start
5051 	 back toward school. Only
5052 	 this time, Mick's erratic driving
5053 	 draws unwanted attention.
5054 	 176
5055 	 
5056 	 
5057 	 
5058 	 He Announces the Problem
5059 	 
5060 	 With a most eloquent
5061 	 
5062 	 Holy fucking shit.
5063 	 
5064 	 
5065 	 **
5066 	 
5067 	 It is then I notice the flashing
5068 	 red and blue lights coming up fast behind us. Holy
5069 	 fucking shit is right.
5070 	 **
5071 	 Down go the windows, nothing obvious about that, but the damn truck smells like a den of promiscuous skunks.
5072 	 **
5073 	 Mick doesn't have a choice except to pull over.
5074 	 **
5075 	 This could go a number of ways, from a simple ticket to a trip to county lockup. I hope
5076 	 it's Option Number One.
5077 	 **
5078 	 But as the cop-- a burly deputy sheriff--
5079 	 strides purposefully closer, my heart slides down into my gut.
5080 	 **
5081 	 Poor Mick is white.
5082 	 
5083 	 Do something!
5084 	 
5085 	 177
5086 	 
5087 	 
5088 	 
5089 	 Do Something?
5090 	 
5091 	 Is he talking to me?
5092 	 "Like what, exactly?
5093 	 **
5094 	 
5095 	 I
5096 	 dunno. Tell him
5097 	 
5098 	 
5099 	 you'll give him head?
5100 	 
5101 	 **
5102 	 Hmm. Nah, "Just shut up and don't panic."
5103 	 **
5104 	 Believe it or not, he shuts
5105 	 up. As the cop reaches
5106 	 **
5107 	 the window, he sniffs.
5108 	 
5109 	 Uh, license and registration.
5110 	 
5111 	 **
5112 	 Mick digs for his wallet, reaches too quickly toward
5113 	 **
5114 	 the glove box. The cop's hand
5115 	 dives in the direction of
5116 	 **
5117 	 
5118 	 his holster.
5119 	 Easy now,
5120 	 he urges.
5121 	 Open it slowly
5122 	 
5123 	 **
5124 	 What? Is bethinking gun?
5125 	 "No problem, Officer," I say.
5126 	 **
5127 	 He looks across Mick, to me. Instant recognition.
5128 	 **
5129 	 
5130 	 Hey. Aren't you Kay
5131 	 
5132 	 
5133 	 Gardella
5134 	 s
5135 	 daughter?
5136 	 
5137 	 **
5138 	 Damn news conference!
5139 	 What can I say? "Mm-hmm."
5140 	 178
5141 	 
5142 	 
5143 	 
5144 	 This, Too, Could Go
5145 	 
5146 	 A number of ways, depending on how the guy feels about Mom.
5147 	 Maybe even how he feels about Daddy.
5148 	 Both of my parents carry plenty of baggage--both good and not so- with local law enforcement.
5149 	 **
5150 	 See, before Mom ran for Congress, she was a county supervisor.
5151 	 Not everyone was always happy about the decisions the board
5152 	 made, especially when they
5153 	 involved money. Still, she has always been a fan of law enforcement.
5154 	 **
5155 	 As for Daddy, his decisions aren't
5156 	 always favorable toward the arresting
5157 	 officer, although Mom is right. He's a reasonable judge who does the best he can within the structure of the law.
5158 	 So, depending on too many variables to have a clue, the outcome of this
5159 	 particular encounter is unpredictable.
5160 	 **
5161 	 And beyond all that, it just may come down to how much of a tight-ass
5162 	 this particular cop happens to be.
5163 	 179
5164 	 
5165 	 
5166 	 
5167 	 Unfortunately
5168 	 
5169 	 It's so tight it squeaks
5170 	 when he walks. He takes
5171 	 Mick's information back to his patrol car. We watch in the rearview mirror as he radios in. This is not
5172 	 looking particularly good.
5173 	 **
5174 	 Back he comes, hand
5175 	 dipping toward his hip and what's attached to it.
5176 	 He stands back from the door.
5177 	 
5178 	 Please exit
5179 	 the vehicle.
5180 	 
5181 	 **
5182 	 Okay, really, really not
5183 	 good. We exit the vehicle and Mr. Policeman gestures for us to move to the front of the truck. I am an idiot!
5184 	 Holy shit. My dad is so going to be pissed!
5185 	 **
5186 	 
5187 	 "I
5188 	 noticed a definite odor
5189 	 of marijuana in your vehicle.
5190 	 
5191 	 
5192 	 Have you been smoking
5193 	 
5194 	 
5195 	 pot this afternoon?
5196 	 
5197 	 180
5198 	 Can't see how lying is going to help at this point, but I'm
5199 	 not real keen about admitting it either. I shake my head
5200 	 **
5201 	 
5202 	 just about the time Mick is dumb enough to say,
5203 	 Yeah.
5204 	 
5205 	 **
5206 	 Which seems to amuse Deputy
5207 	 
5208 	 Dawg.
5209 	 I should probably haul
5210 	 
5211 	 
5212 	 your ass in just for being so
5213 	 stupid, Mr. Moron....
5214 	 
5215 	 **
5216 	 
5217 	 That's Morona, with an
5218 	 a, replies the moron(a) in question.
5219 	 
5220 	 **
5221 	 
5222 	 The cop pretends to look at Mick's license.
5223 	 Oh yes, I see
5224 	 it now. Well, Mr. Morona, you
5225 	 
5226 	 
5227 	 wait right there for a minute.
5228 	 
5229 	 
5230 	 Ms. Gardella, would you
5231 	 
5232 	 
5233 	 please come with me?
5234 	 
5235 	 181
5236 	 
5237 	 
5238 	 
5239 	 Not Sure Where
5240 	 
5241 	 This is headed, but I trail the deputy to his car, out of earshot of Mick.
5242 	 **
5243 	 The cop gives me a hard
5244 	 
5245 	 glare, then softens.
5246 	 What
5247 	 
5248 	 
5249 	 exactly do you think
5250 	 
5251 	 **
5252 	 
5253 	 you're doing? This is
5254 	 too stupid for words,
5255 	 you know that, right?
5256 	 
5257 	 **
5258 	 I nod and finally glance at the name pinned to his chest.
5259 	 Deputy Carson. Familiar.
5260 	 **
5261 	 
5262 	 Okay, here's what I'm
5263 	 
5264 	 
5265 	 going to do. You go
5266 	 
5267 	 
5268 	 get whatever is stashed
5269 	 
5270 	 **
5271 	 
5272 	 in that pickup. I'm going
5273 	 to write Mr. Moron a
5274 	 a ticket, sixty in a forty-five...
5275 	 
5276 	 **
5277 	 Holy crap. He's going to let us walk. My eyes
5278 	 must betray my disbelief.
5279 	 182
5280 	 
5281 	 I'd probably do things
5282 	 
5283 	 
5284 	 differently, but Kay
5285 	 
5286 	 
5287 	 deserves to win that seat.
5288 	 
5289 	 **
5290 	 
5291 	 Won't happen if the press
5292 	 
5293 	 
5294 	 gets hold of the news that
5295 	 her daughter is a stoner.
5296 	 
5297 	 **
5298 	 Kay? Sounds terribly
5299 	 informal. Exactly how
5300 	 well does he know her?
5301 	 **
5302 	 The man is good at reading
5303 	 
5304 	 body language.
5305 	 Yes, I know
5306 	 
5307 	 
5308 	 her. We met eight years ago.
5309 	 
5310 	 **
5311 	 
5312 	 I was a highway patrolman
5313 	 
5314 	 
5315 	 then. First on the scene
5316 	 at a certain accident....
5317 	 
5318 	 **
5319 	 I stare hard at his face, try to erase several years, and sure enough, it swims
5320 	 **
5321 	 into view, just as it did in the backseat of Daddy's
5322 	 wiped-out Mercedes.
5323 	 183
5324 	 
5325 	 
5326 	 
5327 	 I Rejoin Mick
5328 	 
5329 	 As Deputy Carson writes the ticket. When I break the news about his pricey
5330 	 ounce, he actually gets mad.
5331 	 **
5332 	 
5333 	 What? No way! That cost
5334 	 
5335 	 
5336 	 three bills. Add the fine
5337 	 for speeding, I'm out more
5338 	 than five hundred dollars.
5339 	 
5340 	 **
5341 	 "Shut the hell up, would you?
5342 	 At least you're not going to jail...."
5343 	 And I'm not going to juvie, and my parents won't be involved.
5344 	 **
5345 	 As the deputy hands Mick
5346 	 Moron his ticket, I'm feeling
5347 	 all warm and fuzzy, until his final admonition.
5348 	 **
5349 	 
5350 	 I
5351 	 know the last eight years
5352 	 
5353 	 
5354 	 cannot have been easy.
5355 	 
5356 	 
5357 	 But hanging out with losers
5358 	 
5359 	 
5360 	 won't make your life better.
5361 	 
5362 	 **
5363 	 
5364 	 I've come to believe that people
5365 	 who survive accidents like that one
5366 	 are either just plain evil, or saved
5367 	 for a reason. Which are you?
5368 	 
5369 	 184
5370 	 
5371 	 
5372 	 
5373 	 Most of the Time
5374 	 
5375 	 I don't feel evil. But saved for a reason? Like what?
5376 	 I guess I'm pretty good at sex, but I don't think
5377 	 I was saved because the world needs
5378 	 more (even better) sex.
5379 	 Maybe Deputy Carson is completely full of it.
5380 	 Was I saved, or was fate simply too
5381 	 damn busy killing other
5382 	 people that day to catch up to me, too?
5383 	 I don't
5384 	 let myself return to that
5385 	 backseat very often. It's the place every waking
5386 	 nightmare began. I
5387 	 know
5388 	 (think, anyway) that had
5389 	 that day gone any other way, nothing would be as it is now. Right? Right? I guess
5390 	 I really don't know.
5391 	 185
5392 	 
5393 	 
5394 	 
5395 	 
5396 	 
5397 	 Kaeleigh
5398 	 
5399 	 
5400 	 
5401 	 
5402 	 PE
5403 	 Today
5404 	 
5405 	 Could have been ugly.
5406 	 My leg is swollen, the cut
5407 	 raw and inflamed. Jean germs?
5408 	 I was saved, believe it or not, by a bomb
5409 	 threat. They evacuated the whole school. Turned
5410 	 out it was just a prank.
5411 	 Was I saved or was it only a fabulous
5412 	 coincidence, one that kept me
5413 	 fully clothed (hippie style) but shivering in the pale afternoon?
5414 	 I don't
5415 	 think rescue is a big focus of fate, or whatever (whoever?) may or may not orchestrate history's
5416 	 page turns. I'd like to know
5417 	 that I have the ability to mold my own future, that if
5418 	 I work really hard, I can turn it all around. But truth is,
5419 	 I really don't know.
5420 	 186
5421 	 
5422 	 
5423 	 
5424 	 Maybe Life Is Random
5425 	 
5426 	 No fate. No God. Just time.
5427 	 The concept of God escapes
5428 	 **
5429 	 me. Some all-powerful being, who rules sometimes gently,
5430 	 **
5431 	 and often not so, all in the name of love? Who dreamed that up?
5432 	 **
5433 	 I see people who really believe in God, in hope, in charity.
5434 	 **
5435 	 Mostly, they look pretty happy
5436 	 and, on the surface, satisfied.
5437 	 **
5438 	 Christian. Like Christ. So why are so many Christians unlike him?
5439 	 **
5440 	 We don't go to church, but in my search for personal answers,
5441 	 **
5442 	 I have explored the Bible some.
5443 	 (Weird, I know, but when you get
5444 	 **
5445 	 no answers at all, you reach.)
5446 	 The Old Testament is scary,
5447 	 **
5448 	 filled with misery. That God was pretty creepy, all in all.
5449 	 187
5450 	 but Christ's testament asks for patience, harmony. Not war,
5451 	 **
5452 	 nor ostracism. Not hate crimes, lies, or offering plates filled to the brim.
5453 	 **
5454 	 I wonder if there's really a place in heaven for hypocrites
5455 	 **
5456 	 who preach love, all the while
5457 	 kicking the downtrodden.
5458 	 **
5459 	 Still, I might have bought into the essence of Christ, except,
5460 	 **
5461 	 according to the scriptures, he also asked for understanding
5462 	 **
5463 	 and forgiveness, even of our
5464 	 enemies. And if he really expected
5465 	 **
5466 	 that, I could not pass muster.
5467 	 Some people I'll never forgive.
5468 	 188
5469 	 
5470 	 
5471 	 
5472 	 It Was Greta
5473 	 
5474 	 Who first turned me on to the Bible.
5475 	 **
5476 	 
5477 	 Whenever my life takes a wrong
5478 	 
5479 	 
5480 	 turn, I look there for direction.
5481 	 
5482 	 
5483 	 I went there often,
5484 	 she said,
5485 	 when
5486 	 
5487 	 
5488 	 I was no more than your age and
5489 	 the Nazis overran my country.
5490 	 
5491 	 
5492 	 **
5493 	 
5494 	 The Bible, she said, offered comfort.
5495 	 **
5496 	 
5497 	 But it couldn't save the Jews who
5498 	 were marked for execution. It took
5499 	 
5500 	 
5501 	 people to do that, and my people,
5502 	 
5503 	 
5504 	 Lutherans, were not afraid to
5505 	 interfere. Every life is precious.
5506 	 
5507 	 
5508 	 **
5509 	 
5510 	 The Bible, she said, gave no solutions.
5511 	 **
5512 	 
5513 	 But it did let us know God
5514 	 
5515 	 
5516 	 helps those who help themselves.
5517 	 
5518 	 
5519 	 In our Danish eyes, Lutherans,
5520 	 
5521 	 
5522 	 Jews, and all in between were no
5523 	 
5524 	 
5525 	 more nor less than Danes.
5526 	 
5527 	 **
5528 	 Comforted, validated, they went to work.
5529 	 189
5530 	 
5531 	 Once we got word the Germans
5532 	 were definitely coming for our
5533 	 
5534 	 
5535 	 Jewish brothers and sisters,
5536 	 we smuggled them to safe houses
5537 	 along the eastern coastline.
5538 	 
5539 	 
5540 	 **
5541 	 
5542 	 And, to make the original "fisher of people" proud,
5543 	 **
5544 	 
5545 	 Mostly at night, but sometimes
5546 	 
5547 	 
5548 	 day, we put them on fishing boats
5549 	 and took them safely to Sweden.
5550 	 
5551 	 
5552 	 We lost four hundred, but saved
5553 	 
5554 	 
5555 	 thousands from the camps.
5556 	 
5557 	 **
5558 	 They lost more than their Jewish friends.
5559 	 **
5560 	 
5561 	 At first the Nazis took little
5562 	 except food, but with the Resistance,
5563 	 they confiscated property, possessions.
5564 	 
5565 	 
5566 	 The freedom fighters they caught
5567 	 
5568 	 
5569 	 went to the camps. Or disappeared.
5570 	 
5571 	 **
5572 	 Some were even martyred on the spot.
5573 	 **
5574 	 
5575 	 Many of us were just children.
5576 	 
5577 	 
5578 	 I saw a friend gunned down in
5579 	 the street. But we were doing
5580 	 the Lord's work, and we reaped
5581 	 his mercy from that time forward.
5582 	 
5583 	 190
5584 	 
5585 	 
5586 	 
5587 	 She Believes That Too
5588 	 
5589 	 Must be nice to have that kind of unshakable belief in a merciful higher power.
5590 	 **
5591 	 I believe in a higher power, but you can't call it merciful. No, not at all.
5592 	 **
5593 	 It's the power of my father, all
5594 	 will and rules and law, and governed himself by
5595 	 **
5596 	 Deadly Sins, chief among them
5597 	 avarice and lust.
5598 	 The only two that don't apply
5599 	 **
5600 	 are sloth and gluttony. That last
5601 	 one I lay claim to, and before I go to work, I plan on
5602 	 **
5603 	 giving into it wholeheartedly.
5604 	 Gluttony interrupted
5605 	 leads to Gluttony, with a capital G.
5606 	 191
5607 	 
5608 	 
5609 	 
5610 	 No Time for a Major Lovefest
5611 	 
5612 	 I'll have to make do with a sugar OD, leave the five
5613 	 food groups for next time.
5614 	 Look at me, already plotting a next time. What's up?
5615 	 **
5616 	 Stupid question, Kaeleigh.
5617 	 What isn't up? You can't
5618 	 maintain a relationship with the only guy in the world worth loving.
5619 	 **
5620 	 Your father's a freak, your mother is invisible, your friends don't get
5621 	 you at all, and you for real like it that way.
5622 	 **
5623 	 School used to be an escape.
5624 	 Now it's just another place with too much pressure, too much confrontation, and so not enough joy.
5625 	 **
5626 	 Your entire life is joyless.
5627 	 Go ahead. Eat. Pig out, in fact.
5628 	 Food is real, too much of it the only thing you feel.
5629 	 (Except the razor.) So feel.
5630 	 192
5631 	 
5632 	 
5633 	 
5634 	 Still Feeling It
5635 	 
5636 	 As I pedal my bike up the hill toward the Lutheran home.
5637 	 Several days until the time
5638 	 change, it shouldn't be too dark
5639 	 when I leave. But I'm going to have to figure out a better way to and from this place once night
5640 	 falls when it's still afternoon.
5641 	 **
5642 	 I despise the short days of winter.
5643 	 Don't even like the holidays, and why would I? The only good
5644 	 thing about them is the omnipresent
5645 	 food. But all that phony good cheer?
5646 	 Spare me. Or jump me straight from Halloween to Easter.
5647 	 I definitely do candy, so I'm great with those noncelebrations.
5648 	 **
5649 	 Halloween is actually stupid, unless you're under twelve.
5650 	 I know some adults like to dress up (or down) in costumes, drink too much, and ogle
5651 	 one another. I remember Mom and Daddy doing that when
5652 	 Raeanne and I were little.
5653 	 193
5654 	 but I totally think everyone past middle school really ought to give it a break. Except maybe
5655 	 witches and vampires. I don't
5656 	 believe in werewolves. But moon
5657 	 worship, bonfires, and--oh yeah, especially--a little bloodletting
5658 	 seem like reasonable things to me.
5659 	 **
5660 	 I doubt anyone here at the old
5661 	 folks' home would want to play
5662 	 those games. But they are having a Halloween party. William, dressed up like a pirate? Greta, maybe a French maid? Ha! Too funny.
5663 	 I was invited, and, thinking about it, I might just have to go.
5664 	 Sounds like more fun than spending the evening answering the doorbell and topping off greedy kids' pillowcases.
5665 	 194
5666 	 
5667 	 
5668 	 
5669 	 I'm Almost to Work
5670 	 
5671 	 When a car beeps and slows to a stop nearby. It's a truly
5672 	 forgettable vehicle--a well-
5673 	 used Toyota something, silver.
5674 	 **
5675 	 The surprise is who's driving.
5676 	 Brittany. She and I have known
5677 	 each other for years. But not
5678 	 well enough to swap secrets.
5679 	 **
5680 	 
5681 	 Hey, girl! Bet you can't guess
5682 	 
5683 	 
5684 	 what I did this afternoon.
5685 	 
5686 	 She pauses, and must decide
5687 	 
5688 	 I'm really dense.
5689 	 Like my ride?
5690 	 
5691 	 **
5692 	 "Hmm. Let me see. Did you
5693 	 get a haircut? No. Manicure?
5694 	 Nah. Your nails look awful. Oh. What did you say?
5695 	 **
5696 	 Something about...your ride?"
5697 	 I smile. "Got your license, huh?
5698 	 Oh hey, did you leave school early?
5699 	 You missed all the excitement."
5700 	 **
5701 	 
5702 	 I heard about it on the news.
5703 	 
5704 	 
5705 	 Top of the hour on the radio.
5706 	 
5707 	 
5708 	 Not the best radio, but at
5709 	 least I've got tunes.
5710 	 
5711 	 195
5712 	 My smile grows. "Yeah, except for top of the hour. Congrats on the license. I probably
5713 	 won't get mine until I'm old
5714 	 **
5715 	 enough to drink legally. Anyway,
5716 	 I gotta run. Drive carefully. We
5717 	 don't need another statistic, as my dear old dad would say."
5718 	 **
5719 	 
5720 	 No worries. I don't plan
5721 	 on being a statistic, unless
5722 	 it's a good one. Hey, want
5723 	 a ride to school tomorrow?
5724 	 
5725 	 **
5726 	 I hardly ever take rides from friends, and I start to say no, but she looks so hopeful,
5727 	 I just can't. "Why not?"
5728 	 **
5729 	 We agree on a time and away she goes, and as I pedal up the driveway, it occurs to me
5730 	 that Brittany (plus Toyota)
5731 	 **
5732 	 just might come in handy, especially when winter
5733 	 hits for real. Long as her car
5734 	 has a heater, of course.
5735 	 196
5736 	 
5737 	 
5738 	 
5739 	 No Party Tonight
5740 	 
5741 	 At the old folks' home, just more of the same ol',
5742 	 **
5743 	 except for one major thing.
5744 	 Greta has a visitor. Someone
5745 	 **
5746 	 very special, from the past. I can
5747 	 tell he's special by the sparkle
5748 	 **
5749 	 behind her spectacles. I can
5750 	 tell he's from her past because
5751 	 **
5752 	 they're speaking in Danish, something I've never heard
5753 	 **
5754 	 her do before. I'm fascinated, and even though I can't
5755 	 **
5756 	 understand more than a word or two, I keep finding excuses
5757 	 **
5758 	 to exit the dining room (where
5759 	 I'm supposed to be getting
5760 	 **
5761 	 everything set up for dinner) in favor of the sitting room.
5762 	 **
5763 	 Greta and her visitor have
5764 	 parked themselves in front
5765 	 197
5766 	 of the fireplace, and their conversation seems every bit
5767 	 **
5768 	 as cheerful as the song of wood, crackling behind them.
5769 	 **
5770 	 As dinnertime nears, more and more people stir around them,
5771 	 **
5772 	 but they are so caught up in each other, they barely notice.
5773 	 **
5774 	 If I didn't know better, I'd
5775 	 definitely guess this was love.
5776 	 198
5777 	 
5778 	 
5779 	 
5780 	 Looks Like Love
5781 	 
5782 	 And dear Greta.........so deserves love, it makes me happy.......to see it glowing all around her, glowing...inside her, filling her up with this beautiful light. Such brilliant
5783 	 light must come straight from heaven, if such a place really exists. She
5784 	 believes it does, so for her, it's real, and maybe
5785 	 that's enough to make I
5786 	 t so.
5787 	 **
5788 	 Real or no, this
5789 	 gentleman caller
5790 	 dropped in from out of the blue, so I'll just go
5791 	 ahead and make believe he was divinely inspired to bring a healthy
5792 	 dose of light into Greta's life. Her smile is ethereal. It makes...me shiver as all up and down my arms,....a colony of goose
5793 	 bumps lifts. And suddenly, a jab
5794 	 **
5795 	 of jealousy
5796 	 nails me in the gut.
5797 	 199
5798 	 
5799 	 
5800 	 
5801 	 Envy Surges
5802 	 
5803 	 Scarlet hot through my veins.
5804 	 I mean, the woman is like eighty-two years old or some-
5805 	 **
5806 	 thing. Why should she know
5807 	 love when I don't? When I can't?
5808 	 She's only got a few years
5809 	 **
5810 	 at best. Why should they be warmed by love when my own coming
5811 	 decades are doomed to frigidity?
5812 	 **
5813 	 Greta's beau shares the dinner
5814 	 table with a half-dozen old
5815 	 women, but he sees only her.
5816 	 **
5817 	 And she sees only him, despite the banter and pleasantries exchanged
5818 	 all around and between them.
5819 	 **
5820 	 I can't help but watch through eyes
5821 	 tinged green. Then Greta laughs, from the heart, like she has laughed
5822 	 **
5823 	 with me, only sweeter. And suddenly
5824 	 I am ashamed. No, horrified, at myself.
5825 	 How could I think that way?
5826 	 200
5827 	 
5828 	 
5829 	 
5830 	 That Was an Incredibly Bad Scene
5831 	 
5832 	 Like looking inside myself and finding a stranger, someone not only vicious but downright
5833 	 evil.
5834 	 How odd, to suddenly
5835 	 glimpse a facet of me
5836 	 I didn't know existed.
5837 	 I guess it really
5838 	 isn't
5839 	 all that unusual to surprise
5840 	 oneself with an ugly bit of ego. But was this
5841 	 unsuspected piece of me
5842 	 born at the same instant I was?
5843 	 Or was it spawned some
5844 	 time between that moment and now? I know, it's a question with no answer, undeserving of introspection.
5845 	 But was this hideous thing
5846 	 conceived, or was it created?
5847 	 201
5848 	 
5849 	 
5850 	 
5851 	 
5852 	 
5853 	 Raeanne
5854 	 
5855 	 
5856 	 
5857 	 
5858 	 Kaeleigh Takes Herself
5859 	 
5860 	 Way, way too seriously.
5861 	 Everyone has a secret side, one that's not so nice. But
5862 	 evil?
5863 	 I prefer to reserve that
5864 	 designation for presidents, terrorists, and Madison.
5865 	 Okay, I guess the bitch
5866 	 isn't
5867 	 really evil either. Too stupid for evil. Oops. That lets presidents off the hook too. Terrorists are rarely stupid, but even they aren't
5868 	 born
5869 	 evil. But you know, preach it--
5870 	 whatever "it" is--loud enough, long enough, someone will buy in.
5871 	 Witness Jerry Falwell. Ask me, it's a sin to pervert faith with religion.
5872 	 Despite every church, mosque, and synagogue in it, this is not the world
5873 	 any God worth his salt would have
5874 	 created.
5875 	 202
5876 	 
5877 	 But Whatever Created It
5878 	 
5879 	 It's my world, the only one
5880 	 I've got. Might as well make the best of it, right? Might as well have a little fun
5881 	 while I'm here. Or a lot of fun.
5882 	 Might be dead tomorrow.
5883 	 **
5884 	 I'd call Mick, but he's out of dope, and anyway, he's an irritating prick. Stupid, too, all ranting about how
5885 	 he's going to sue the sheriff's
5886 	 department for stealing stash.
5887 	 **
5888 	 I told him to shut up and think about it, and hopefully he's
5889 	 doing exactly that about now.
5890 	 I do know a few other people who might have some bud.
5891 	 But the one who comes first and foremost to mind is Ty.
5892 	 **
5893 	 
5894 	 He gave me his number,
5895 	 for the next time you
5896 	 
5897 	 
5898 	 find your mouth watering
5899 	 for a hot red lollipop...
5900 	 
5901 	 Yeah, he's totally disgusting.
5902 	 Why do I like men that way?
5903 	 203
5904 	 
5905 	 
5906 	 
5907 	 Oh, and Guess What
5908 	 
5909 	 He answers his phone first ring, and he isn't busy at the moment.
5910 	 **
5911 	 Lucky, lucky me. It's a school
5912 	 night, and I might very well hear
5913 	 **
5914 	 about not coming straight home, but hey, if I go straight home, I won't
5915 	 **
5916 	 be going out tonight. No-brainer.
5917 	 I wait for him at a little convenience
5918 	 **
5919 	 store, and about the time I grow
5920 	 impatient, a sheriff's sedan cruises
5921 	 **
5922 	 by, reminding me I do not want to be caught in the backseat of a car
5923 	 **
5924 	 in a compromising position. Turns
5925 	 out that's not a problem. Ty whips
5926 	 **
5927 	 into the parking lot, in a blue BMW
5928 	 24 convertible. Top down. No back-
5929 	 **
5930 	 seat. We won't be smoking or making
5931 	 out in this stunning little car.
5932 	 **
5933 	 He smiles at the look on my face.
5934 	 
5935 	 Get in. How 'bout we take a little spin?
5936 	 
5937 	 204
5938 	 
5939 	 
5940 	 
5941 	 Zero to Sixty
5942 	 
5943 	 
5944 	 In five point six seconds,
5945 	 says
5946 	 
5947 	 Ty. Seemed faster to me. I love the way acceleration presses me
5948 	 back against my seat. But what's
5949 	 **
5950 	 really interesting is that Ty can afford
5951 	 this car at all. Might as well just ask.
5952 	 **
5953 	 "So what do you do, anyway?
5954 	 Or are your parents loaded?"
5955 	 **
5956 	 He smiles and settles the car into an easy cruise mode.
5957 	 
5958 	 Actually, my parents
5959 	 are
5960 	 loaded. More ways than one.
5961 	 
5962 	 **
5963 	 I really look at him for the first
5964 	 time. Handsome face, chiseled, strong. Works-out-in-the-gym
5965 	 body. Dark, longish hair, tied back.
5966 	 **
5967 	 Simple black T-shirt and Levis, though clean, totally belie the Beamer.
5968 	 
5969 	 And what exactly did he mean by
5970 	 more ways than one?
5971 	 
5972 	 **
5973 	 Might as well just ask. "Your
5974 	 parents get high? Do they deal?"
5975 	 205
5976 	 
5977 	 Nah, they don't deal. They indulge
5978 	 
5979 	 
5980 	 plenty, though. See, my dad is
5981 	 
5982 	 
5983 	 Chumash. When the casino was built,
5984 	 he made
5985 	 --
5986 	 how best to put this?
5987 	 --
5988 	 more
5989 	 
5990 	 **
5991 	 
5992 	 than a tidy little sum on the deal.
5993 	 
5994 	 
5995 	 He and my mom now own quite an
5996 	 operation out Foxen Canyon Road.
5997 	 
5998 	 
5999 	 Cattle. Horses. Young vineyard.
6000 	 
6001 	 **
6002 	 Who would have guessed?
6003 	 Certainly not me, not even after our little private party up there on Figueroa. Still...
6004 	 **
6005 	 "So how about you? What do you do?
6006 	 Do you live with your parents?"
6007 	 **
6008 	 A bunch more questions pop into my head, bubbling over like champagne, but the answers to those two might answer the rest.
6009 	 **
6010 	 
6011 	 Shit, yeah. In a guest house,
6012 	 actually. Once our vines mature,
6013 	 
6014 	 
6015 	 I'll play vintner. Right now,
6016 	 
6017 	 
6018 	 I'm apprenticing at another winery.
6019 	 
6020 	 206
6021 	 Several questions answered indeed.
6022 	 Finally I notice we have in fact been driving along Foxen Canyon
6023 	 Road. Ty slows the BMW and we
6024 	 **
6025 	 turn up a long driveway through rows and rows of immature grapes.
6026 	 We make a left before reaching the rather overbearing main house.
6027 	 **
6028 	 
6029 	 Finally Ty crunches to a stop in the gravel.
6030 	 Here we are. Home
6031 	 
6032 	 
6033 	 sweet home. Hope you're up
6034 	 for fun and games.
6035 	 
6036 	 207
6037 	 
6038 	 
6039 	 
6040 	 Fun, Ty-Style
6041 	 
6042 	 Begins with tall Jack Daniel's and Cokes. As he mixes them,
6043 	 I wander around the "guest house,"
6044 	 **
6045 	 thinking half the country would
6046 	 flip if they could live in a home like this. Two oversize bedrooms.
6047 	 **
6048 	 Two bathrooms, one with a Jacuzzi
6049 	 tub. Beautiful kitchen, open to the leather-and-brass living room.
6050 	 **
6051 	 With a flick of a switch, Ty lights the gas fireplace, which throws a gentle gleam across the hardwood
6052 	 **
6053 	 floor. He gestures toward the rich
6054 	 burgundy leather sofa and goes into the bedroom. Blink of an eye,
6055 	 **
6056 	 back he comes, holding a big wooden
6057 	 box. He sits close, opens the hand-
6058 	 carved oak, reveals the cache inside.
6059 	 208
6060 	 
6061 	 
6062 	 
6063 	 This Is Something New
6064 	 
6065 	 
6066 	 My uncle has connections you
6067 	 
6068 	 
6069 	 wouldn't believe,
6070 	 says Ty.
6071 	 
6072 	 He pulls out a baggie, a quarter
6073 	 full of some crumbly brown substance.
6074 	 **
6075 	 When he cracks the bag, the perfume
6076 	 that escapes smells like heaven.
6077 	 **
6078 	 
6079 	 Opiated hash. Ever tried it?
6080 	 
6081 	 **
6082 	 I shake my head no, but Ty is quick to remedy that, filling
6083 	 **
6084 	 a small pipe bowl with a miniature
6085 	 ball of opium-laced hashish.
6086 	 **
6087 	 He takes the first toke, and now
6088 	 heaven's on fire, and smoking.
6089 	 **
6090 	 
6091 	 Still holding his hit, Ty cautions around it,
6092 	 Little tokes, now.
6093 	 
6094 	 **
6095 	 
6096 	 Don't want to cough this stuff out.
6097 	 
6098 	 
6099 	 Hold it as long as you can.
6100 	 
6101 	 **
6102 	 Slowly I inhale a taste sweeter than any before. Greedy me
6103 	 209
6104 	 wants more, but I remember his warning. The smoke expands
6105 	 **
6106 	 in my lungs, and I'm glad I didn't
6107 	 take more. I hold it until I just have
6108 	 **
6109 	 to let go. When I finally do, my head is tingling all over.
6110 	 **
6111 	 Ty looks at me, measuring.
6112 	 
6113 	 Having fun yet? 'Course you are.
6114 	 
6115 	 **
6116 	 
6117 	 And sweetheart, this is just the start.
6118 	 
6119 	 
6120 	 We've still got games to play.
6121 	 
6122 	 210
6123 	 
6124 	 
6125 	 
6126 	 Games, Ty-Style
6127 	 
6128 	 Don't even begin until we're well into the fun. Drinking. Smoking.
6129 	 Feeling the creep of the poppy, all along my spine, skull to tailbone.
6130 	 **
6131 	 I know the high is mostly hash, not so different from regular
6132 	 cannabis (though even tastier).
6133 	 But the opium topper provides
6134 	 **
6135 	 a whole new set of rushes. Body
6136 	 rushes, like little shivers. Head
6137 	 rushes, like turning in circles, round and round, don't fall down.
6138 	 **
6139 	 
6140 	 Shall we move the party
6141 	 into the bedroom?
6142 	 Ty reaches
6143 	 
6144 	 over, kisses me. Hard. Harder.
6145 	 My heart screams in my chest.
6146 	 **
6147 	 His teeth rake my bottom
6148 	 lip, move down over my chin, down my neck. Not too hard.
6149 	 Not really. But hard enough.
6150 	 **
6151 	 Should I have worn garlic and a silver cross? I laugh
6152 	 out loud at the thought, and
6153 	 I realize how fucked up I am.
6154 	 211
6155 	 Ty stands, holds out his hand, but I am so messed up, all I can
6156 	 do is laugh. He pulls me to my
6157 	 
6158 	 feet.
6159 	 What's so funny?
6160 	 
6161 	 **
6162 	 "Nothing. Everything. You.
6163 	 Me. Especially me. My head
6164 	 feels like it came unattached, and my body is all tingly."
6165 	 
6166 	 His grin is pure evil.
6167 	 Excellent.
6168 	 
6169 	 
6170 	 I know just how to fix that.
6171 	 
6172 	 He picks me up, carries me into his bedroom, half throws
6173 	 **
6174 	 me onto the bed. When he starts to undress me, I burst into a new
6175 	 fit of giggles. My jeans are so tight, he can't wiggle me out of them.
6176 	 **
6177 	 "Want some help, my macho
6178 	 vampire?" I shed everything and he does too, but before we
6179 	 do another thing, he asks,
6180 	 **
6181 	 
6182 	 How 'bout another bowl?
6183 	 
6184 	 
6185 	 Something to take you real,
6186 	 real low.
6187 	 He leers like a scary
6188 	 
6189 	 
6190 	 circus clown.
6191 	 Low as a girl can go.
6192 	 
6193 	 212
6194 	 
6195 	 
6196 	 
6197 	 True to His Word
6198 	 
6199 	 He drops me real, real low.
6200 	 I'm floating on a poppy sea.
6201 	 **
6202 	 Naked. Mellow. But a sudden wind
6203 	 rouses the breaks and low
6204 	 **
6205 	 tide builds to major swells. Ty
6206 	 kisses me, all fang, pure vampire.
6207 	 **
6208 	 "Hey. Take it easy." But somehow
6209 	 my body responds to the pain.
6210 	 **
6211 	 And Ty responds to that, clamping
6212 	 one hand around both my wrists,
6213 	 **
6214 	 pulling them up over my head and pinning me helpless.
6215 	 **
6216 	 It is then I notice the nylon cord, one end tied tight to the headboard.
6217 	 **
6218 	 
6219 	 Ty's voice is almost a snarl.
6220 	 This
6221 	 is one of my favorite games.
6222 	 
6223 	 **
6224 	 He wraps the rope around my wrists, knots it tightly. Escape-proof.
6225 	 **
6226 	 I shake my head. "Don't." But he does.
6227 	 Should I scream? Would anyone hear?
6228 	 213
6229 	 Would anyone care? The obvious
6230 	 answer softens my plea. "Please?"
6231 	 **
6232 	 
6233 	 Haven't you played this game
6234 	 
6235 	 
6236 	 before? guess I'll have to teach
6237 	 
6238 	 
6239 	 **
6240 	 
6241 	 
6242 	 you the rules. The proper response
6243 	 
6244 	 
6245 	 would be, "Please, sir." Say it.
6246 	 
6247 	 
6248 	 **
6249 	 
6250 	 My heart yells, "No fucking
6251 	 way." But my brain, the part
6252 	 **
6253 	 that understands my daddy, makes
6254 	 me acquiesce. "Please, sir."
6255 	 **
6256 	 He flips me onto my belly, yanks
6257 	 my legs apart. I don't have to see
6258 	 **
6259 	 the restraints to know they're there.
6260 	 The ankle knots do not surprise me.
6261 	 **
6262 	 I am helpless. Exposed. And, strangely, somehow I feel at home this way.
6263 	 **
6264 	 
6265 	 Say it,
6266 	 he demands, like I should know he means,
6267 	 Please, sir. Punish me.
6268 	 
6269 	 
6270 	 **
6271 	 
6272 	 Deliberate, controlled, he punishes me.
6273 	 I whisper into the pillow, "I understand.
6274 	 214
6275 	 
6276 	 
6277 	 
6278 	 I Understand
6279 	 
6280 	 Why Kaeleigh liked the feel of slicing her flesh, releasing
6281 	 bottled-up hurt. Leather snaps against my skin, and I remain
6282 	 still as stagnant water, afraid I might
6283 	 not play by his rules. This is a new game, and the sick
6284 	 thing is, I see quickly that I
6285 	 like
6286 	 it, might ask to play again.
6287 	 The pain is fuzzy at the edges, blurring toward pleasure.
6288 	 Maybe it's the hash, the gentle
6289 	 arms of opium. And now
6290 	 new leather--human, Ty--
6291 	 falls softly over the heated
6292 	 welts, a soothing
6293 	 balm of sweat-beaded skin. But then
6294 	 heightened pain, forced inside me, stuffed inside me. Seared, branded, likely marked, a moan
6295 	 escapes me and Ty surges.
6296 	 After, knots loosened, a rub of cool eucalyptus oil persuades
6297 	 me I do want to play again. Soon.
6298 	 215
6299 	 
6300 	 
6301 	 
6302 	 
6303 	 
6304 	 Kaeleigh
6305 	 
6306 	 
6307 	 
6308 	 
6309 	 Long Night
6310 	 
6311 	 Unable to slip into sleep, unable to fall into dreams, unable to lie completely
6312 	 still, snared by tangled thoughts.
6313 	 Sometimes, usually well after the witching hour, Raeanne
6314 	 comes to me, shares my bed like she did so long ago. She
6315 	 listens to me, soundlessly, doesn't argue or judge.
6316 	 Eventually, I slip into the gentle
6317 	 tide of unconsciousness. But
6318 	 tonight she doesn't appear.
6319 	 I am left to wrestle memories
6320 	 alone, comforted only by the balm of cool satin sheets. I force
6321 	 my body to relax, feel it grow
6322 	 heavy. Heavy enough to sink into the satin balm.
6323 	 A moan
6324 	 bubbles into my mouth, from I don't know where--
6325 	 some inconceivable place where
6326 	 pleasure and joy are one.
6327 	 216
6328 	 
6329 	 
6330 	 
6331 	 Not Sure Exactly When
6332 	 
6333 	 I managed to fall asleep, but it must have been eventually because I'm tugged like cement into morning by the sound of the telephone.
6334 	 **
6335 	 Daddy's feet pound toward the ringing.
6336 	 
6337 	 Hello...? Hello...?
6338 	 
6339 	 
6340 	 Okay, who the fuck is this?
6341 	 
6342 	 
6343 	 **
6344 	 
6345 	 Funny, I hardly ever hear
6346 	 Daddy curse. He must be
6347 	 really pissed. The thought is confirmed by his footfall, in angry approach of my door.
6348 	 **
6349 	 He bursts through and fear
6350 	 
6351 	 swallows me down.
6352 	 Do
6353 	 
6354 	 
6355 	 you have any idea who's
6356 	 
6357 	 
6358 	 responsible for these hang-ups?
6359 	 
6360 	 
6361 	 **
6362 	 
6363 	 One thought immediately
6364 	 crosses my mind, but I'll be
6365 	 damned if I want to get caught in the middle of the brewing
6366 	 storm. "No. Should I?"
6367 	 217
6368 	 He softens, but only a little.
6369 	 
6370 	 I
6371 	 thought maybe it was one
6372 	 of your friends. Or.. .
6373 	 white
6374 	 
6375 	 
6376 	 glare ...
6377 	 a boyfriend?
6378 	 
6379 	 
6380 	 **
6381 	 
6382 	 Like I would ever let a boy
6383 	 call here! Like I would dare
6384 	 say that. "None of my friends
6385 	 would do that, Daddy. And I
6386 	 
6387 	 don't
6388 	 have a
6389 	 boyfriend."
6390 	 
6391 	 **
6392 	 
6393 	 Well.. . it's just that this has been
6394 	 happening for several days. I
6395 	 
6396 	 
6397 	 answer,
6398 	 click.
6399 	 Maybe it's one
6400 	 of your mom's secret admirers.
6401 	 
6402 	 
6403 	 **
6404 	 
6405 	 "Mom's admirers aren't so secret, Daddy. It's probably
6406 	 just a solicitor or something.
6407 	 Anyway, doesn't the number
6408 	 show up on caller ID?"
6409 	 **
6410 	 
6411 	 Now why didn't I think of that?
6412 	 
6413 	 His voice fairly sprays sarcasm.
6414 	 
6415 	 It's a private number. Hurry
6416 	 it up now, or you'll be late.
6417 	 
6418 	 218
6419 	 
6420 	 
6421 	 
6422 	 The Clock Agrees
6423 	 
6424 	 I'm supposed to meet Brittany in twenty minutes. Still, I just
6425 	 can't seem to "hurry it up."
6426 	 Mostly because he told me to.
6427 	 **
6428 	 I slide out of bed, shuffle to the bathroom, do my thing.
6429 	 Brush my teeth and hair.
6430 	 By the time I return to my
6431 	 room in search of clothes,
6432 	 **
6433 	 
6434 	 Daddy is hustling toward the door.
6435 	 Come straight
6436 	 
6437 	 
6438 	 home after work. Hear me?
6439 	 
6440 	 
6441 	 **
6442 	 
6443 	 Like where else would I go?
6444 	 But, of course, despite the serious resentment
6445 	 that blooms immediately,
6446 	 I say simply, "Okay."
6447 	 **
6448 	 He is all the way into the garage before calling over his shoulder,
6449 	 
6450 	 And don't answer the phone.
6451 	 
6452 	 219
6453 	 
6454 	 
6455 	 
6456 	 Do This, Don't Do That
6457 	 
6458 	 I seriously despise the man, would do just about anything not to obey him, at least if I thought I could get
6459 	 away with it or even that the sure consequences
6460 	 would be sufferable.
6461 	 But when Daddy
6462 	 decides to make
6463 	 you suffer, it's more than any-
6464 	 one can
6465 	 bear.
6466 	 220
6467 	 
6468 	 
6469 	 
6470 	 But He's Gone Now
6471 	 
6472 	 So I'm going to do the likely
6473 	 less than intelligent thing and dress exactly how I want. Not
6474 	 hippie today. Frumpy? Slutty?
6475 	 Hey, maybe no clothes at all?
6476 	 **
6477 	 Probably not a good plan.
6478 	 Who knows if Brittany's silver
6479 	 bomber can even make it to school without breaking down?
6480 	 Speaking of that, she'll be here
6481 	 soon. Better shake my tail.
6482 	 **
6483 	 Where did that saying come
6484 	 from, anyway? I slide into a glam velour jogging suit. Not
6485 	 frumpy. Not slutty, Just soft and definitely not an outfit
6486 	 Daddy would want me to wear to school. Too casual.
6487 	 (Although, really not casual
6488 	 enough for a decent jog.)
6489 	 **
6490 	 Out the door, into the cold
6491 	 morning, I'm glad I'm wearing
6492 	 sweats, if you can really call
6493 	 glam velour sweats. Up the sidewalk, to the corner where
6494 	 I'm supposed to meet Brittany.
6495 	 221
6496 	 (Wasn't sure Daddy would
6497 	 approve of that, either, should he have been home to see me
6498 	 climb into a half-dilapidated
6499 	 Toyota.) Hey, maybe I defied
6500 	 him twice in one morning.
6501 	 Wouldn't that be a coup?
6502 	 **
6503 	 As I wait for Brittany (late, go figure!), my mind wraps around that "shake my tail"
6504 	 thing. Some deep place inside my brain latches onto it and doesn't want to let go. Where
6505 	 did I hear that? The voice I
6506 	 don't quite remember is low.
6507 	 Feminine. Not Mom's, though.
6508 	 Too scratchy. So whose?
6509 	 222
6510 	 
6511 	 
6512 	 
6513 	 Brittany, Finally
6514 	 
6515 	 And she's not alone. Riding
6516 	 shotgun is Joel, who I know from drama. And in the back-
6517 	 seat, next to my apparently
6518 	 appointed place, is Shaun.
6519 	 Ian's little brother. Great.
6520 	 **
6521 	 Not that he's not a nice kid, but sitting back there next to him seems somehow
6522 	 incestuous. Oh, well.
6523 	 It's just a ride to school, right?
6524 	 **
6525 	 
6526 	 Oh hey.
6527 	 coos Brittany.
6528 	 Sorry
6529 	 
6530 	 
6531 	 I'm late, but I had to pick up
6532 	 the guys. Joel was right on
6533 	 time but Shaun?
6534 	 She giggles.
6535 	 
6536 	 
6537 	 **
6538 	 
6539 	 Oh, yech. Maybe Brittany as transportation won't work
6540 	 out so well after all. But
6541 	 one day won't hurt, right?
6542 	 Anyway, the bus already
6543 	 went by. My choices are limited. "No problem."
6544 	 223
6545 	 
6546 	 Not Being Top
6547 	 of the hour, the radio blares.
6548 	 
6549 	 Hip-hop, no less. Definitely
6550 	 **
6551 	 not my cup of tea, but hey, it's not my freaking radio.
6552 	 **
6553 	 Joel seems to like it. He jerks his head back and forth till
6554 	 **
6555 	 he looks like a bobblehead with a really loose spring.
6556 	 **
6557 	 Beside me, Shaun stretches his legs till his right knee rests
6558 	 **
6559 	 against my left, totally creeping
6560 	 
6561 	 me out.
6562 	 Awesome song, huh?
6563 	 
6564 	 **
6565 	 I jerk my knee away from his.
6566 	 "Uh, sure." If you like songs
6567 	 **
6568 	 without music. More like ebonic
6569 	 poetry. Before I finish the thought,
6570 	 Shaun's leg has found its way
6571 	 back to mine. "Need more room?"
6572 	 
6573 	 Warmer like this, don't you
6574 	 
6575 	 
6576 	 think?
6577 	 Here comes his arm.
6578 	 
6579 	 224
6580 	 I turn and give him my most
6581 	 evil glare. "What are you doing?"
6582 	 **
6583 	 
6584 	 Nothing.
6585 	 His arm withdraws, but only a little.
6586 	 Thought you'd like it.
6587 	 
6588 	 
6589 	 **
6590 	 
6591 	 Irritation flares, red in my face.
6592 	 "Oh. really? And why is that?"
6593 	 **
6594 	 
6595 	 He shrugs.
6596 	 Heard Ian talking.
6597 	 
6598 	 
6599 	 He said you're into other guys.
6600 	 
6601 	 **
6602 	 Irritation fans into anger. "Is
6603 	 that so? Well, you can just tell
6604 	 **
6605 	 your brother for me that I am most certainly not into other--"
6606 	 **
6607 	 
6608 	 A sudden
6609 	 thwunk-thwunk-thwunk
6610 	 
6611 	 interrupts the conversation.
6612 	 **
6613 	 The Toyota yanks itself hard to the right and Brittany fights
6614 	 **
6615 	 
6616 	 to stay in control.
6617 	 Oh, man!
6618 	 
6619 	 
6620 	 I think we've got a flat tire.
6621 	 
6622 	 225
6623 	 
6624 	 
6625 	 
6626 	 Flat Barely Describes It
6627 	 
6628 	 The entire sidewall is gone, what's
6629 	 left of the tread part, shredded.
6630 	 We're not going anywhere, not on this tire. "Do you have a spare?"
6631 	 **
6632 	 
6633 	 I
6634 	 dunno, but even if I do, I have
6635 	 
6636 	 
6637 	 no idea how to change it. Do
6638 	 
6639 	 
6640 	 you guys?
6641 	 She looks at the boys, who shake their heads in unison.
6642 	 
6643 	 **
6644 	 We're already late for school.
6645 	 Not much we can do but be
6646 	 later. "Okay, then. Do you have like AAA or something?"
6647 	 **
6648 	 
6649 	 "I
6650 	 dunno. Oh, wait. My mom
6651 	 
6652 	 
6653 	 showed me a number to call.
6654 	 
6655 	 
6656 	 It goes with our cell service.
6657 	 
6658 	 She leans into the car.
6659 	 **
6660 	 As she roots through the glove
6661 	 box, I notice cars slowing a bit as they drive by. Something about four late-for-school kids,
6662 	 **
6663 	 looking helpless as hell beside a useless car, barely
6664 	 pulled onto the shoulder?
6665 	 Could be it, I guess.
6666 	 226
6667 	 Then again, you might
6668 	 think one of them would
6669 	 stop and offer to help.
6670 	 But no, they cruise on by.
6671 	 **
6672 	 
6673 	 Here it is!
6674 	 says Brittany, punching at her cell phone.
6675 	 
6676 	 
6677 	 Hi. Um. I guess I need help.
6678 	 
6679 	 
6680 	 er...roadside assistance?
6681 	 
6682 	 **
6683 	 If she giggles one more
6684 	 time, I'm going to push her out into oncoming
6685 	 traffic. We stand, stupid
6686 	 **
6687 	 as hell, waiting for a tow
6688 	 truck. My teeth chatter, and Shaun dares to move
6689 	 closer. Really, really close.
6690 	 **
6691 	 Once again, his arm tries to slide around my shoulder, and I shrink from the touch of his calloused skin. "No."
6692 	 **
6693 	 
6694 	 What is your fucking problem?
6695 	 
6696 	 
6697 	 I'm just trying to keep you
6698 	 
6699 	 
6700 	 warm. Oh, that's right.
6701 	 
6702 	 
6703 	 You prefer being frigid.
6704 	 
6705 	 227
6706 	 
6707 	 
6708 	 
6709 	 His Term or Ian's?
6710 	 
6711 	 It's going to bug me all day.
6712 	 I always thought Ian was on my side, that he understood, if not everything, that I am only
6713 	 lukewarm because I'm damaged.
6714 	 **
6715 	 Frigid? Maybe I am. But why
6716 	 should it even be a topic of conversation with Shaun?
6717 	 Did Ian call me that? And did he really say I'm into other guys?
6718 	 **
6719 	 Who did he say it to? And why?
6720 	 Wait...a sudden "aha" strikes.
6721 	 Madison. Would she have told
6722 	 him such a thing, sunk so low?
6723 	 And why would he believe her?
6724 	 **
6725 	 A stronger person would go
6726 	 straight to the source, confront
6727 	 him, ask if any of the things his little brother had to say
6728 	 could possibly be true.
6729 	 **
6730 	 But I could never do that.
6731 	 What if I just couldn't stand to hear what he had to say?
6732 	 What if he walked away?
6733 	 What if I lost him completely?
6734 	 228
6735 	 
6736 	 
6737 	 
6738 	 The Tow Truck Finally Arrives
6739 	 
6740 	 And I still don't have any
6741 	 answers, despite a good forty
6742 	 minutes, standing here with nothing else to do but think.
6743 	 Shaun finally gave up on me and moved on to Brittany, who's obviously into Joel.
6744 	 Shaun is a total clod.
6745 	 How
6746 	 can he be Ian's brother?
6747 	 They're about the same as straight sex and gay sex--
6748 	 some similarities, but different in ways that really count.
6749 	 One thing I do know is that
6750 	 if Ian deserts me, I'll never
6751 	 repair the giant rip in my
6752 	 life.
6753 	 I don't dare let him go.
6754 	 But how do I keep him without losing me?
6755 	 Who knew love
6756 	 could be
6757 	 such an enigma?
6758 	 229
6759 	 
6760 	 
6761 	 
6762 	 
6763 	 
6764 	 Raeanne
6765 	 
6766 	 
6767 	 
6768 	 
6769 	 Life Is Rarely Dull
6770 	 
6771 	 At the Gardella house.
6772 	 Kaeleigh was late for school
6773 	 this morning. Now you might not
6774 	 think
6775 	 that should be a big problem, especially considering she had
6776 	 what for most would be a good
6777 	 excuse. But that's not
6778 	 how
6779 	 things work around here. See, one of Daddy's friends happened to drive by the tow truck scene and notice Kaeleigh. A
6780 	 different
6781 	 person might have shrugged it off completely. Not Hannah, a nursing student who lives down the block. I cannot for the life of me understand why she felt t he need to call Daddy, but she did. No surprise it made him mad.
6782 	 But who knew he could be so unreasonable over such an innocent faux pas?
6783 	 230
6784 	 
6785 	 
6786 	 
6787 	 Kaeleigh Came Home from School
6788 	 
6789 	 Not particularly worried about the tardy.
6790 	 Neither Daddy nor Mom (on those rare
6791 	 occasions she's around to peruse progress
6792 	 reports) pays particular notice to stuff
6793 	 sent home from school. Besides, it was
6794 	 Kaeleigh's first tardy. Ever. No big deal.
6795 	 **
6796 	 Not, that is, until she played Daddy's
6797 	 message, left both on her cell phone and on the answering machine at home.
6798 	 
6799 	 I
6800 	 heard you missed school today in favor
6801 	 of taking a little joyride with a few friends.
6802 	 
6803 	 
6804 	 I'm surprised at you. Surprised, and
6805 	 
6806 	 
6807 	 **
6808 	 
6809 	 
6810 	 disappointed. I'd better see you at home
6811 
6812 	 
6813 	 
6814 	 when I get there. You have some explaining to do.
6815 	 
6816 	 
6817 	 And then you have to decide what your
6818 	 
6819 	 
6820 	 punishment will be. Make no mistake.
6821 	 
6822 	 
6823 	 You will be punished. When I ask what
6824 	 
6825 	 
6826 	 you think is fair, I hope you have an answer.
6827 	 
6828 	 
6829 	 **
6830 	 
6831 	 By the time he was finished, she was shaking.
6832 	 I tried to tell her not to worry, that he'd cool off before he got here. But she went to work
6833 	 scared. And she came home from work scared.
6834 	 Daddy still hasn't arrived yet, so she goes
6835 	 straight to the kitchen in search of consolation.
6836 	 231
6837 	 
6838 	 
6839 	 
6840 	 One of Kaeleigh's Regular Binges
6841 	 
6842 	 Is gross. Disgusting. I watch her and I want to puke. (And often do.)
6843 	 But this one is unlike the others
6844 	 I've had the misfortune of seeing.
6845 	 She doesn't care what goes into her mouth, as long as it resembles food.
6846 	 "Stop," I beg. "Stuffing yourself can't save you from whatever it is you imagine
6847 	 he's going to do. Please, Kaeleigh."
6848 	 
6849 	 But she keeps on shoving stuff into her mouth.
6850 	 Can't eat dinner tonight.
6851 	 
6852 	 
6853 	 He won't let me, and you know it.
6854 	 
6855 	 Maybe she's right. But I can't watch
6856 	 this self-destruction a minute longer.
6857 	 232
6858 	 
6859 	 
6860 	 
6861 	 The Worst Part Is
6862 	 
6863 	 She does have something to worry
6864 	 about. So I'll just have to help her out. I slip into Daddy's bathroom,
6865 	 **
6866 	 and this time when I "borrow" his Oxy, it's not for me. Okay, one is for me.
6867 	 The other three are for Daddy.
6868 	 **
6869 	 I can't slip all three into a single drink or he'd taste it for sure. This will be a seduction. One I know he can't refuse.
6870 	 **
6871 	 He finally roars in, and I've already
6872 	 mixed him a highball, long on Turkey, short on Oxy. That will change
6873 	 **
6874 	 as the evening progresses. He gives
6875 	 me a look but takes the drink
6876 	 
6877 	 anyway.
6878 	 Thanks. I need this.
6879 	 
6880 	 
6881 	 **
6882 	 
6883 	 
6884 	 Thank God he gulps it down before turning on Kaeleigh.
6885 	 Well?
6886 	 
6887 	 I rush to refill his empty glass,
6888 	 **
6889 	 not 100 percent sure why
6890 	 I'm trying to save Kaeleigh, who refuses to save herself.
6891 	 233
6892 	 I hand Daddy the Oxy-tainted
6893 	 highball glass as Kaeleigh answers,
6894 	 
6895 	 I
6896 	 didn't mean to be late, Daddy.
6897 	 
6898 	 
6899 	 **
6900 	 
6901 	 She doesn't dare look him in the eye.
6902 	 
6903 	 It's just that Brittany's car got a flat,
6904 	 and we had to wait for the tow....
6905 	 
6906 	 
6907 	 **
6908 	 
6909 	 
6910 	 Daddy pounces.
6911 	 I never gave you
6912 	 
6913 	 
6914 	 permission to ride to school with
6915 	 anyone named Brittany, did I?
6916 	 
6917 	 
6918 	 **
6919 	 
6920 	 
6921 	 Her eyes are like lasers, beaming the floor tiles.
6922 	 No, Daddy
6923 	 ...She rushes
6924 	 
6925 	 
6926 	 on,
6927 	 But she just got her license, and...
6928 	 
6929 	 
6930 	 **
6931 	 
6932 	 No, Kaeleigh! Too late. Damage
6933 	 done. Daddy raises his voice.
6934 	 
6935 	 Just got her license? Are you
6936 	 
6937 	 
6938 	 **
6939 	 
6940 	 
6941 	 plain stupid? Do you
6942 	 want
6943 	 to die?
6944 	 
6945 	 
6946 	 The rest is implicit:
6947 	 Don't you
6948 	 
6949 	 
6950 	 remember a certain infamous day?
6951 	 
6952 	 
6953 	 **
6954 	 
6955 	 
6956 	 Kaeleigh crumbles. Her face, only moments ago binge-florid, blanches.
6957 	 Oh Daddy, I'm sorry.
6958 	 
6959 	 234
6960 	 She threatens to collapse, and I
6961 	 whisper in her ear. "Stay strong, or you know what he'll do."
6962 	 **
6963 	 Tension begins to melt from
6964 	 
6965 	 Daddy as the painkiller starts to kick in.
6966 	 Fix me something
6967 	 
6968 	 
6969 	 **
6970 	 
6971 	 
6972 	 to eat and we'll discuss this
6973 	 
6974 	 
6975 	 further.
6976 	 As he speaks, his voice
6977 	 
6978 	 
6979 	 sputters a little, slurs.
6980 	 O-ok-ay?
6981 	 
6982 	 
6983 	 **
6984 	 
6985 	 
6986 	 Sure, Daddy.
6987 	 Kaeleigh
6988 	 
6989 	 rushes to the refrigerator.
6990 	 
6991 	 What are you in the mood for?
6992 	 
6993 	 
6994 	 **
6995 	 
6996 	 Daddy sucks down his drink.
6997 	 
6998 	 L-loaded question.
6999 	 He crosses the floor quickly, much faster
7000 	 
7001 	 **
7002 	 than I'd thought him capable
7003 	 of, half falls against Kaeleigh, who's leaning into the fridge.
7004 	 **
7005 	 I smile. Whatever he had in mind, punishment or "reward," it will not come tonight.
7006 	 235
7007 	 
7008 	 
7009 	 
7010 	 They Extricate Themselves
7011 	 
7012 	 From the refrigerator.
7013 	 Kaeleigh microwaves
7014 	 some leftover stew.
7015 	 I watch the two of them
7016 	 stuff their faces, fix
7017 	 Daddy one last drink.
7018 	 Between the rich food, stiff Turkey, and three
7019 	 OxyContin, he'll be fast
7020 	 asleep in a few minutes.
7021 	 Most of the evening's drama behind us. I slip off to the bathroom. Kaeleigh's
7022 	 disgusting food binge
7023 	 made me want to purge.
7024 	 It's more than a habit.
7025 	 It's a need. Experts even
7026 	 call it a disease. However
7027 	 you classify it, though, it's not about body image.
7028 	 At least not for me. For me, it's all about maintaining a modicum of control, especially when everything
7029 	 goes completely ape-shit.
7030 	 236
7031 	 
7032 	 
7033 	 
7034 	 Most People
7035 	 
7036 	 Hate to vomit.
7037 	 Can't stand the protest of an upset
7038 	 stomach, the heave of bile and undigested food, the carve of acid in the esophagus.
7039 	 Okay, I don't like that
7040 	 part much
7041 	 myself. But
7042 	 I do like the cool of porcelain on my face, the solid of tile beneath my butt.
7043 	 Most of all,
7044 	 I like my belly
7045 	 emptied, even
7046 	 temporarily, of food.
7047 	 Of fat.
7048 	 Of pain.
7049 	 237
7050 	 
7051 	 
7052 	 
7053 	 Face Washed, Teeth Brushed
7054 	 
7055 	 Puke free, I emerge from the bathroom, into a house silent but for Daddy's
7056 	 impressive snores. Now that I've
7057 	 evacuated my stomach, I can swallow the Oxy I borrowed for myself.
7058 	 **
7059 	 Pop the pill, chase it with whiskey, crawl into bed. Pray such seduction
7060 	 brings dreamless sleep. Seems to take a long time for the sleep aid to kick
7061 	 in. As I wait, I feel good about aiding
7062 	 **
7063 	 Kaeleigh's salvation tonight. Too
7064 	 many times in the past, I've stood by, powerless to interfere. They say an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. There is no cure for Daddy.
7065 	 **
7066 	 Let's hear it for prevention! Of course, it's not like you can always tell what Daddy
7067 	 has in mind. I suppose there must be
7068 	 triggers that bring him to Kaeleigh's bedside.
7069 	 If only they were more recognizable!
7070 	 **
7071 	 My body slides toward sleep, but my
7072 	 brain, though fogging a bit at the edges, is working overtime. The gathering
7073 	 haze does not conceal memories of another night. Kaeleigh was ten.
7074 	 238
7075 	 
7076 	 
7077 	 
7078 	 Mom
7079 	 Was Off on a Retreat
7080 	 
7081 	 Like any of that spiritual mumbo
7082 	 jumbo ever did her (or any of us)
7083 	 one miniscule sliver of good.
7084 	 **
7085 	 Daddy had been back to Kaeleigh for "lollipop licking" (my term) a few
7086 	 times. She had a vague notion that it
7087 	 **
7088 	 was "wrong," but she wasn't sure
7089 	 why, and didn't know who to ask.
7090 	 They'd probably just be jealous.
7091 	 **
7092 	 That warm summer night, she slept in a thin white nightie, nothing more, nothing at all under. The moon, full,
7093 	 **
7094 	 shimmered against the tan of her exposed skin, and her hair whispered over the pillow like a pale waterfall.
7095 	 **
7096 	 As usual, the smell of Wild Turkey
7097 	 preceded Daddy. In the bright moonlight, you could see Kaeleigh cringe in shallow
7098 	 **
7099 	 sleep. Daddy crept through the door, to the side of her bed, stood looking down for a very long time before stirring
7100 	 239
7101 	 her with a volley of kisses. Cheeks.
7102 	 
7103 	 Forehead. Lips.
7104 	 Oh, little girl. Do
7105 	 
7106 	 
7107 	 you know how beautiful you are?
7108 	 
7109 	 
7110 	 **
7111 	 
7112 	 
7113 	 No one was ever as lovely as you,
7114 	 not even your mother when she was
7115 	 a child. I can't believe you're mine.
7116 	 
7117 	 
7118 	 **
7119 	 
7120 	 Kaeleigh roused at his words, came into the moment, secure in the aura of Daddy's love.
7121 	 **
7122 	 She tried to sit up, but Daddy
7123 	 
7124 	 pushed her gently back down against the mattress.
7125 	 Stay just
7126 	 
7127 	 
7128 	 **
7129 	 
7130 	 
7131 	 like that for Daddy. I want to
7132 	 teach you something new.
7133 	 
7134 	 He lifted her nightgown,
7135 	 **
7136 	 rolled it up over her belly, coaxed her Thoroughbred legs apart.
7137 	 She squirmed, a paltry protest.
7138 	 **
7139 	 
7140 	 Don't move!
7141 	 Daddy's scarlet
7142 	 
7143 	 face underlined his command.
7144 	 I thought he might smack her.
7145 	 240
7146 	 But as quickly as his anger
7147 	 flared, it dissipated, smoke.
7148 	 
7149 	 Don't be afraid. This won't
7150 	 
7151 	 
7152 	 **
7153 	 
7154 	 
7155 	 hurt. You'll like it. I promise.
7156 	 
7157 	 He kissed the length of her torso, down to the small, naked V.
7158 	 **
7159 	 It was only his mouth
7160 	 that night. He didn't even
7161 	 ask her to touch him, prove
7162 	 **
7163 	 how much she loved him.
7164 	 Afterward, she worried.
7165 	 Didn't he want her love
7166 	 **
7167 	 anymore? What had she done
7168 	 wrong? And yet, he had taught her something new. Something awful.
7169 	 241
7170 	 
7171 	 
7172 	 
7173 	 Worse,
7174 	 
7175 	 Something wonderful.
7176 	 Something every
7177 	 girl should
7178 	 know the joy of, though, of course, she shouldn't
7179 	 learn it from Daddy.
7180 	 **
7181 	 At ten, it isn't exactly
7182 	 easy to separate
7183 	 good touch from bad
7184 	 touch, proper
7185 	 love from improper love, doting daddy from perv.
7186 	 242
7187 	 
7188 	 
7189 	 
7190 	 But Tonight Will Be Perv-Free
7191 	 
7192 	 Hugged by my ostentatiously
7193 	 thick mattress, falling fast, faster toward blessed sleep, or in my
7194 	 case, more likely the sleep of the damned, the space behind my eyes is covered by a dark collage.
7195 	 Bodies. Smiles. Leers. Faces.
7196 	 Some familiar, some not, as
7197 	 if
7198 	 they are people I've yet to meet, or maybe have already met in another lifetime. One face
7199 	 truly haunts me. I'm sure
7200 	 I
7201 	 knew her once upon a time.
7202 	 Her hair is a rich mahogany, her eyes vivid green, like those of a wildcat. Where do I
7203 	 know her from? And why do I feel
7204 	 such a connection, if I can't
7205 	 even recognize her face? I so want to understand the truth of her, of "us." Yes, wanting and getting are two different
7206 	 things. But intuition tells me
7207 	 this puzzle needs to be solved.
7208 	 243
7209 	 
7210 	 
7211 	 
7212 	 
7213 	 
7214 	 Kaeleigh
7215 	 
7216 	 
7217 	 
7218 	 
7219 	 Daddy's Still Asleep
7220 	 
7221 	 At seven a.m. Wonder if I should
7222 	 wake him before I leave for school.
7223 	 I'm guessing it's a case of damned
7224 	 if I do, damned if I don't. He's
7225 	 going to have a major headache, though he probably won't have a decent clue why. Then again,
7226 	 if
7227 	 I let him oversleep, he'll be
7228 	 mad at me, too. It's not like a judge can just call in sick, unless he's on his deathbed.
7229 	 I
7230 	 will probably die before he does.
7231 	 Dying, for Daddy, would be the ultimate defeat. But death
7232 	 doesn't scare me. To
7233 	 know
7234 	 exactly when I might
7235 	 expect it, up close and in my face, would actually be a comfort. Because to tell the truth, most of the time dying
7236 	 seems pretty much like my only means of escape.
7237 	 244
7238 	 
7239 	 
7240 	 
7241 	 Not
7242 	 Right Now, Though
7243 	 
7244 	 Not with the election looming.
7245 	 No use ruining that for Mom.
7246 	 **
7247 	 Although maybe if something
7248 	 bad happened to me, something
7249 	 **
7250 	 bad enough to make me die, she'd win the sympathy vote.
7251 	 **
7252 	 Never mind. She'd probably
7253 	 be too distracted with the funeral
7254 	 **
7255 	 and the burial and the incredible
7256 	 after-the-graveyard party and...
7257 	 **
7258 	 
7259 	 Pht-pht-pht.
7260 	 Rewind that old
7261 	 
7262 	 film to another funeral. Ugh.
7263 	 **
7264 	 Don't want to go there. Don't
7265 	 want to see that coffin, or go
7266 	 **
7267 	 to the post-service pot luck.
7268 	 I huddled alone in one corner,
7269 	 **
7270 	 trying desperately to ignore the gut-churning potpourri
7271 	 **
7272 	 of smells: tuna casserole, over-
7273 	 cooked broccoli, onion laced
7274 	 245
7275 	 salads. Booze, in assorted flavors.
7276 	 Flowers. Didn't know all their names.
7277 	 **
7278 	 But their combined perfumes
7279 	 smelled like death. Mom sat on
7280 	 **
7281 	 an overstuffed sofa, vacant-eyed, silently sipping vodka on the rocks.
7282 	 **
7283 	 Daddy gulped whiskey, and might
7284 	 have passed out quietly except...
7285 	 **
7286 	 Someone stumbled through the door, wearing an aura of Scotch and a marble
7287 	 **
7288 	 expression on her face--the one I just
7289 	 barely remember. She went straight up
7290 	 **
7291 	 
7292 	 to her son.
7293 	 You!
7294 	 She shoved him into the wall.
7295 	 L-look at you, Raymond.
7296 	 
7297 	 
7298 	 **
7299 	 
7300 	 
7301 	 All red eyed and drippy nosed. You
7302 	 
7303 	 
7304 	 don't fool me. Don't f-f-fool them....
7305 	 
7306 	 
7307 	 **
7308 	 
7309 	 
7310 	 She gave a vague wave.
7311 	 W-we all know
7312 	 
7313 	 
7314 	 just what you are
7315 	 --
7316 	 a m-monster!
7317 	 
7318 	 246
7319 	 
7320 	 
7321 	 
7322 	 I Don't Want to Relive
7323 	 
7324 	 That scene, which grew as ugly as any my mind can replay.
7325 	 **
7326 	 Grandma and Daddy sparred. Verbally.
7327 	 Then physically, until someone
7328 	 **
7329 	 pulled them apart, spitting poison as they separated, not just for that
7330 	 **
7331 	 evening, but, at least if Daddy
7332 	 has his way, forever afterward.
7333 	 **
7334 	 That's the last solid memory I have of her, broken by secrets. Splintered
7335 	 **
7336 	 by pain. Escorted into the night, out of our lives. Does she really dare
7337 	 **
7338 	 try to reenter now? What if I decide to let her back in? I'm guessing
7339 	 **
7340 	 I'd be crematorium fuel. No
7341 	 coffin. No flowers. Just a hot
7342 	 **
7343 	 white fire, melting me into bone fragments and ashes.
7344 	 247
7345 	 
7346 	 
7347 	 
7348 	 Then Again, the Sad Fact Is
7349 	 
7350 	 My parents might think cremation
7351 	 too good for me- As I slide books into my backpack, it comes to me
7352 	 they might just weight me down and throw me into Cachuma.
7353 	 **
7354 	 Down, down, into that cold blue
7355 	 lake I'd go, no one the wiser.
7356 	 Who would even miss me?
7357 	 Maybe Ian, but after the last
7358 	 couple of days, I'm not so sure.
7359 	 **
7360 	 We've got drama today.
7361 	 Hopefully our little love
7362 	 scene will warm him (me?) up some and we can talk
7363 	 after. A long conversation,
7364 	 **
7365 	 like we used to have all the time. That's what we need.
7366 	 But first I have to get to school. Which means it's time to poke the sleeping bear.
7367 	 248
7368 	 
7369 	 
7370 	 
7371 	 As Expected
7372 	 
7373 	 It's a less than pleasant
7374 	 experience, starting with the obnoxious breath
7375 	 coming out of his open
7376 	 mouth. "Daddy? Wake
7377 	 up. You'll be late for work."
7378 	 **
7379 	 He snorts and his eyes
7380 	 
7381 	 flutter open.
7382 	 Wha ...?
7383 	 
7384 	 
7385 	 What happened? Where
7386 	 am I? What time is it?
7387 	 
7388 	 
7389 	 **
7390 	 
7391 	 "You're in the living
7392 	 room. You fell asleep on the sofa. It's a little after seven and I have to hurry to catch the bus."
7393 	 **
7394 	 
7395 	 After seven?
7396 	 He jumps
7397 	 
7398 	 upright, too fast. I can
7399 	 
7400 	 see the pounding in his temples.
7401 	 Why didn't you
7402 	 
7403 	 
7404 	 wake me sooner?
7405 	 
7406 	 
7407 	 **
7408 	 
7409 	 "I tried, but you went
7410 	 back to sleep, I guess."
7411 	 Total lie. But he'll never
7412 	 know it. And right now, all he's thinking about is how his head feels.
7413 	 249
7414 	 
7415 	 Shit. I've got a heavy
7416 	 
7417 	 
7418 	 docket today.
7419 	 Finally his eyes focus.
7420 	 And I
7421 	 
7422 	 
7423 	 feel like a truck ran
7424 	 over the top of my head.
7425 	 
7426 	 
7427 	 **
7428 	 
7429 	 "Sorry you don't feel
7430 	 well, Daddy. But I've
7431 	 got to run. See you later, okay?" I grit my teeth and take a step toward the front door.
7432 	 **
7433 	 That's as far as I get.
7434 	 
7435 	 Daddy's hand clamps around my wrist.
7436 	 Wait
7437 	 
7438 	 
7439 	 just a minute. Do you
7440 	 
7441 	 
7442 	 remember last night?
7443 	 
7444 	 
7445 	 **
7446 	 
7447 	 Now my teeth grind'
7448 	 uncomfortably. What about last night, exactly, does he want to discuss?
7449 	 "Uh, sure, Daddy."
7450 	 **
7451 	 
7452 	 All right, then. No rides
7453 	 with any Brittanys,
7454 	 okay? I want you all
7455 	 in one piece.
7456 	 He doesn't
7457 	 
7458 	 say just what for.
7459 	 250
7460 	 
7461 	 
7462 	 
7463 	 So of Course
7464 	 
7465 	 
7466 	 Who comes chugging up as I wait for the bus but the very Brittany in question.
7467 	 Wanna ride?
7468 	 
7469 	 
7470 	 **
7471 	 
7472 	 She's alone in the car, an explanation at the ready.
7473 	 
7474 	 The guys got in trouble
7475 	 for being late yesterday.
7476 	 
7477 	 
7478 	 **
7479 	 
7480 	 Well, so did I, but I don't
7481 	 want to talk about it. "Ah."
7482 	 
7483 	 Get in. My mom bought me
7484 	 
7485 	 
7486 	 all new tires, so you're safe.
7487 	 
7488 	 
7489 	 **
7490 	 
7491 	 Not really, but I don't want to say that, either. "Um ..."
7492 	 
7493 	 You're not scared, are you?
7494 	 
7495 	 She almost looks hurt.
7496 	 **
7497 	 I glance around, see no sign of Daddy. "Oh, why not?"
7498 	 
7499 	 Cool. Let's go. Don't want
7500 	 to be late two days in a row!
7501 	 
7502 	 
7503 	 **
7504 	 
7505 	 No, we most definitely
7506 	 don't want that.
7507 	 251
7508 	 
7509 	 
7510 	 
7511 	 We Actually Arrive
7512 	 
7513 	 Ten minutes early. And I have to admit even Brittany's nonstop
7514 	 chatter wasn't as bad as listening to freshmen guys talk about zits.
7515 	 **
7516 	 I can't believe I actually defied
7517 	 Daddy in such an overt manner.
7518 	 But it feels good. Even better, in fact, than missing the zit talk.
7519 	 **
7520 	 At least as long as I don't get
7521 	 caught. That probably wouldn't
7522 	 feel too great. So far so good, though you never know where
7523 	 **
7524 	 his spies might be hiding. No
7525 	 use worrying about them now.
7526 	 Brittany parks. A bit crooked, but what else could I expect?
7527 	 **
7528 	 
7529 	 She giggles.
7530 	 Even new tires
7531 	 
7532 	 
7533 	 can't help my peripheral vision.
7534 	 
7535 	 
7536 	 I'm supposed to wear glasses,
7537 	 but they make me look ugly.
7538 	 
7539 	 
7540 	 **
7541 	 
7542 	 
7543 	 Oh, wonderful. I can just see the news:
7544 	 Judge's daughter
7545 	 
7546 	 
7547 	 killed in accident with not-ugly
7548 	 
7549 	 
7550 	 half-blind friend at the wheel.
7551 	 
7552 	 252
7553 	 
7554 	 
7555 	 
7556 	 I File That Away
7557 	 
7558 	 Thank Brittany for the ride, head toward the human knots
7559 	 clogging the locker breezeways.
7560 	 **
7561 	 Pre-first-bell yells. Catcalls.
7562 	 Laughter. A few tears.
7563 	 Nothing out of the ordinary.
7564 	 **
7565 	 But just as I reach my own
7566 	 locker, a loud guffaw makes
7567 	 me turn to search for its source.
7568 	 **
7569 	 It's Shaun, apparently the chief of a small tribe of geeks. When
7570 	 I draw my glare even with his eyes,
7571 	 **
7572 	 he turns his back to me, lowers his voice, and says something to his not-so-braves that makes
7573 	 **
7574 	 them all laugh out loud.
7575 	 Something inside me snaps, almost audibly. I slam
7576 	 **
7577 	 my locker, take dead aim at the geeklets' chieftain. Straight up in his face, "Something funny?"
7578 	 253
7579 	 His eyes dart back and forth among his stick figure friends.
7580 	 But no one comes to the rescue.
7581 	 **
7582 	 
7583 	 Uh. No. Not really.
7584 	 Then he tries to draw strength from numbers.
7585 	 
7586 	 
7587 	 We were just talking about girls
7588 	 
7589 	 
7590 	 **
7591 	 
7592 	 
7593 	 and what they do for attention.
7594 	 
7595 	 
7596 	 He pulls himself up as tall as he possibly can.
7597 	 What do you do?
7598 	 
7599 	 
7600 	 **
7601 	 
7602 	 If his buddies think about laughing, the look on my face
7603 	 must make them think twice.
7604 	 **
7605 	 Ice-cold anger pulses in my veins.
7606 	 I can feel it in my temples. And
7607 	 something else, too. Something
7608 	 **
7609 	 brand-new. "Anything I do is no
7610 	 business of yours, you little shit.
7611 	 But if you want my attention,
7612 	 **
7613 	 here it is." That something new--
7614 	 courage--brings my palms flat against his shoulders. Hard.
7615 	 254
7616 	 
7617 	 
7618 	 
7619 	 Hard Enough
7620 	 
7621 	 To make him stumble backward, bump his head against a post.
7622 	 I'll probably get in real trouble for this, but at the moment I couldn't
7623 	 care less. "Enough attention?"
7624 	 **
7625 	 This time his friends do laugh.
7626 	 
7627 	 Shaun's face turns the color of strawberry jam.
7628 	 What the fuck
7629 	 is your problem? Not my fault
7630 	 
7631 	 
7632 	 you're a trashy little shank.
7633 	 
7634 	 
7635 	 **
7636 	 
7637 	 Suddenly a hand is at my elbow and a voice falls into my ear.
7638 	 
7639 	 C'mon. This is beneath you.
7640 	 Ian!
7641 	 
7642 	 
7643 	 He turns on his brother.
7644 	 You shut
7645 	 
7646 	 
7647 	 your mouth and keep it that way.
7648 	 
7649 	 
7650 	 **
7651 	 
7652 	 Ian puts his arm around my
7653 	 shoulder, guides me away from the dissolving drama. Dueling
7654 	 emotions take aim inside me.
7655 	 Relief. Hurt. Happiness. Fury.
7656 	 **
7657 	 We turn a corner and at the far
7658 	 end of the building, few eyes to see, Ian pulls me into his chest.
7659 	 My eyes sting and my legs go weak and I let myself gather his strength.
7660 	 255
7661 	 The first bell rings and I start to pull away, but his arms grip
7662 	 
7663 	 tighter.
7664 	 Tell me what happened.
7665 	 
7666 	 He looks down into my tear-
7667 	 blurred eyes, and next thing
7668 	 *
7669 	 I know we're kissing. Really, truly kissing, like it's from the heart and we really mean it and there's no
7670 	 one else, never will be. Finally I have to come up for air. "I love you."
7671 	 256
7672 	 
7673 	 
7674 	 
7675 	 It Just Slipped
7676 	 
7677 	 Out of my mouth, and the strange
7678 	 thing is, I really mean it. But still,
7679 	 I feel all jumbled up inside, like someone put my brain in a blender, turned it to "crush."
7680 	 **
7681 	 Ian's eyes tell me he feels the same
7682 	 
7683 	 way. I
7684 	 love you, too, you know I do.
7685 	 
7686 	 
7687 	 But you always have me walking
7688 	 on eggshells. Oh, if you would just
7689 	 
7690 	 
7691 	 let me love you the way I want to...
7692 	 
7693 	 
7694 	 **
7695 	 
7696 	 Fire. Ice. Honey. Salt. Eiderdown.
7697 	 Iron. Every fiber of me twitches
7698 	 confusion. I love him, and he loves
7699 	 me. So, then, "Why did you tell
7700 	 your brother that I sleep around?"
7701 	 **
7702 	 He draws back, but only a little, only enough to look deep into my eyes, show me the sudden
7703 	 
7704 	 anger in his.
7705 	 I never said any such
7706 	 
7707 	 
7708 	 thing. Did he tell you I told him that?
7709 	 
7710 	 
7711 	 **
7712 	 
7713 	 "He said he heard you say I'm into other guys. Why would
7714 	 you say that? And who did you
7715 	 say it to?" Before he can craft an answer, the second bell rings.
7716 	 257
7717 	 
7718 	 
7719 	 
7720 	 Saved by the Bell
7721 	 
7722 	 The hallways
7723 	 flood with bodies, faces, voices, hustling
7724 	 here and there. Locked
7725 	 together, despite the inner
7726 	 wedge, Ian and I draw a few
7727 	 stares. Definitely not the right
7728 	 time to continue such an intense
7729 	 
7730 	 conversation.
7731 	 Can we talk about it
7732 	 later?
7733 	 asks Ian, knowing I have little
7734 	 
7735 	 choice but to respond positively. He walks
7736 	 me to class, right arm protectively around my
7737 	 waist. Despite smarting at the wound of his careless
7738 	 words, I decide I like how I feel, joined to him in such an overt way. Especially when we turn the corner and come face-to-face with Madison
7739 	 and, just over there, Shaun.
7740 	 258
7741 	 
7742 	 
7743 	 
7744 	 I'm Generally Not
7745 	 Big
7746 	 
7747 	 On smirking. But noticing
7748 	 how the smiles drop from both
7749 	 Shaun's and Madison's faces,
7750 	 I can't seem to help
7751 	 it. Booyah! Major smirk.
7752 	 It gets better. Madison is no
7753 	 more than two feet away
7754 	 when Ian bends down to kiss
7755 	 me
7756 	 good-bye. I so totally let him, even though a very, very big
7757 	 part of me needs him to give
7758 	 me a plausible explanation so
7759 	 I
7760 	 can get beyond his brother's
7761 	 knife-edged words. "Talk to you later," I say as he walks past Madison. I can't help but think
7762 	 she's responsible, and I'm not
7763 	 sure what to do about it if Ian's
7764 	 story involves her. Ian. All
7765 	 thoughts of Madison evaporate.
7766 	 I'm in love.
7767 	 And I like how that feels.
7768 	 And I hate how that feels.
7769 	 Because love is an invention of fiction writers.
7770 	 259
7771 	 
7772 	 
7773 	 
7774 	 
7775 	 
7776 	 Raeanne
7777 	 
7778 	 
7779 	 
7780 	 
7781 	 Glad I've Got History Today
7782 	 
7783 	 I need a major dose of Lawler to keep my mind off other
7784 	 things. I wish I could
7785 	 help
7786 	 Kaeleigh work her way past all the major crap so she could
7787 	 accept the good things waiting for her, almost within reach. Ask
7788 	 me, she doesn't need someone like Madison to mess things up for her. She sabotages herself.
7789 	 
7790 	 C'est la vie.
7791 	 It is life. Her life.
7792 	 
7793 	 I
7794 	 suppose I myself am something of a self-saboteur, in a constant
7795 	 search for "more." More drugs.
7796 	 More men. More sex. Do you
7797 	 think
7798 	 there's really such a thing as
7799 	 "enough"? The rhetoric draws a heartfelt sigh, and Mr. Lawler
7800 	 turns. Smiles. Oh yeah, I think
7801 	 I'm in love.
7802 	 260
7803 	 
7804 	 
7805 	 
7806 	 I Swear His Smile
7807 	 
7808 	 Means more than "How's it going?"
7809 	 Not that I'm a smile expert or anything, but something about that one sure reads "Damn, you
7810 	 look fine." Even correctly
7811 	 interpreted, though, it doesn't
7812 	 necessarily mean, "Let's sneak on outta here and do the dirty."
7813 	 **
7814 	 Whatever it means, as he passes
7815 	 out Monday's graded pop quizzes, he bends just enough for me to make
7816 	 out the thick ropes of muscles beneath his trousers. Abductors.
7817 	 Hamstrings. Gluteus. Mm-hmm.
7818 	 Oh yeah, I remember human
7819 	 anatomy. Especially his.
7820 	 **
7821 	 Committed to memory. He works his way down the aisle, and now his cologne settles around me, a soft, masculine cloud. When he reaches my desk, he leans
7822 	 slightly forward, and I notice the not-too-massive, totally
7823 	 hot patch of blondish hair
7824 	 peeking out of the open
7825 	 buttons just below his collar.
7826 	 261
7827 	 
7828 	 His eyes smile.
7829 	 Great job,
7830 	 
7831 	 
7832 	 Ms. Gardella. If only everyone
7833 	 in here cared about history
7834 	 the way you do.
7835 	 He holds
7836 	 
7837 	 out my quiz, a big red A+ at the top. When I reach for it, our hands touch. Definite
7838 	 fireworks, and I'm 90
7839 	 percent sure it's mutual.
7840 	 **
7841 	 I try to say thanks, but my voice feels like a wad of gum in my throat and it comes out all hoarse and weird,
7842 	 "Th...nksss." That makes me
7843 	 snort a little laugh. "Sorry.
7844 	 Not sure what's in there..."
7845 	 I leave the rest hanging.
7846 	 And he so totally gets it.
7847 	 262
7848 	 
7849 	 
7850 	 
7851 	 Am I Sick or What?
7852 	 
7853 	 I mean, how many guys do I need on the line?
7854 	 
7855 	 I haven't seen Mick in several days, but he left a voice message on my cell:
7856 	 Are you mad
7857 	 at me or what? Call me. You'll like what I've got.
7858 	 
7859 	 I assume he's talking weed. It's been a couple of days and the truth is, I'm so wanting a buzz.
7860 	 I could call Ty, ask for a bit steeper high (low?).
7861 	 Oh yeah, how low can we go? Loaded question.
7862 	 But even without those two on my "available"
7863 	 list, why would I even consider Mr. Lawler?
7864 	 He's not only "mature," but a frigging teacher.
7865 	 Cute teacher, sure, but that's not the point.
7866 	 The point is: Why do I think he'd consider me?
7867 	 263
7868 	 
7869 	 
7870 	 
7871 	 It's a Game, That's All
7872 	 
7873 	 And I'm good at games, and betting Lawler is good at them too. I watch him
7874 	 **
7875 	 lecture, trying to reach these
7876 	 dimwads who couldn't care
7877 	 less about why yesterday
7878 	 **
7879 	 influences today, thus creates
7880 	 tomorrow. He's so sincere, so well-learned (so disgustingly
7881 	 **
7882 	 cute), and I seem to be the only
7883 	 one who even bothers to notice.
7884 	 More power to me, I guess.
7885 	 **
7886 	 And power, after all, is what
7887 	 I'm after. At last, the bell
7888 	 rings and once everyone leaves,
7889 	 **
7890 	 I decide to up the ante a little.
7891 	 (Okay, a lot.) I corner Mr. Lawler.
7892 	 "Excuse me. I've got some
7893 	 **
7894 	 questions about the term paper.
7895 	 Could we possibly get together to discuss the direction I'm taking?"
7896 	 264
7897 	 
7898 	 
7899 	 
7900 	 Cat and Mouse
7901 	 
7902 	 That's the name of this game, old as the Garden of Eden.
7903 	 **
7904 	 I lead. "I'd appreciate your
7905 	 advice. Maybe after school?
7906 	 **
7907 	 
7908 	 His eyes flash interest.
7909 	 After
7910 	 
7911 	 
7912 	 school? Why not now?
7913 	 
7914 	 
7915 	 **
7916 	 
7917 	 I shrug. "Have a lunch date."
7918 	 **
7919 	 
7920 	 He smiles.
7921 	 I see. Well...
7922 	 
7923 	 
7924 	 **
7925 	 
7926 	 "Please? I'll buy you a cup of coffee." I lock his eyes.
7927 	 **
7928 	 
7929 	 He does not look away.
7930 	 I can
7931 	 
7932 	 
7933 	 give you some time, I guess.
7934 	 
7935 	 
7936 	 **
7937 	 
7938 	 Ka-ching! Damn, he is fine.
7939 	 **
7940 	 
7941 	 Where should we meet up?
7942 	 
7943 	 
7944 	 **
7945 	 
7946 	 "How 'bout the library in town?
7947 	 I'll be doing some research.
7948 	 **
7949 	 
7950 	 "
7951 	 Sounds like a plan. Maybe
7952 	 around four o'clock?
7953 	 
7954 	 
7955 	 **
7956 	 
7957 	 "Perfect." He so totally is.
7958 	 And he so totally knows it.
7959 	 265
7960 	 
7961 	 
7962 	 
7963 	 I Really Do
7964 	 
7965 	 Have a lunch date. I haven't
7966 	 seen Mick since the scene with the cop. Can't believe
7967 	 I miss him, but I do. He's not the brightest guy out there, for sure. But he knows how to show a girl a good time.
7968 	 **
7969 	 Truth is, more than missing
7970 	 Mick, I miss catching a lunch-
7971 	 time buzz. I wish I could just
7972 	 buy a personal stash, keep it around. But no way do I dare
7973 	 take that kind of a chance. Not
7974 	 sure who would kill me first
7975 	 (or worst)--Daddy or Mom.
7976 	 **
7977 	 Not to say I won't taunt fate
7978 	 just a little. Or maybe a lot.
7979 	 I refuse to smoke in transit.
7980 	 That cop probably looks for the Avalanche. And me. So after Mick and I rendezvous, we will take a little spin to the Gardella residence, which, hopefully, will be vacant.
7981 	 266
7982 	 
7983 	 
7984 	 
7985 	 While I Might Taunt Fate
7986 	 
7987 	 
7988 	 I will not taunt Madison, who seems ever more determined to interfere in my life. Not to mention Kaeleigh's life, like
7989 	 she
7990 	 needs any more drama! I couldn't
7991 	 
7992 	 help but notice her with Ian
7993 	 this morning. If she could be like that with him more often, they both just might find a big
7994 	 scoop of happiness with each
7995 	 other. But that won't happen
7996 	 if Madison has her way. Guess she thinks fucking with Kaeleigh is fucking with me. And she's right.
7997 	 Anyway, I'm not in the mood for her stupidity, so instead of
7998 	 Mick picking me up at school,
7999 	 I told him to pick me up at
8000 	 El Rancho. The market has
8001 	 served the fine folks here in the valley since before I was born. Glad to know some things
8002 	 have staying power. In my
8003 	 admittedly limited realm of existence, El Rancho has
8004 	 outlasted every relationship
8005 	 I've ever had. Then again, in my
8006 	 realm relationships are meaningless.
8007 	 267
8008 	 
8009 	 
8010 	 
8011 	 I Hoof It North
8012 	 
8013 	 A hundred or so yards, pause before crossing the highway.
8014 	 And who should happen to go
8015 	 screaming past but my unique
8016 	 (if meaningless) relationship, Ty.
8017 	 **
8018 	 Taillights flash red and brakes
8019 	 squeal displeasure. Guess he saw
8020 	 me standing here. Guess he has
8021 	 something to say because he flips a dangerous U-turn, pulls over
8022 	 **
8023 	 opposite me. I look both ways
8024 	 three times, decide it's safe to cross, and walk real fast (running
8025 	 would not be cool) in his direction.
8026 	 I bend into his car. "What's up?"
8027 	 **
8028 	 
8029 	 He looks into my eyes, licks his lips.
8030 	 Give me your hand.
8031 	 
8032 	 
8033 	 I'll show you what's up.
8034 	 I do, and he does. And it is.
8035 	 Haven't
8036 	 
8037 	 
8038 	 heard from you. I'm really
8039 	 
8040 	 
8041 	 **
8042 	 
8043 	 
8044 	 surprised. Thought you kind
8045 	 of liked the play. Was I wrong?
8046 	 
8047 	 He reaches up, strokes
8048 	 
8049 	 my cheek gently.
8050 	 No encore?
8051 	 
8052 	 268
8053 	 
8054 	 
8055 	 
8056 	 Rough Play, He Means
8057 	 
8058 	 And I really did like it because
8059 	 I'm sicker than he is. Giving is one thing. Taking--and
8060 	 enjoying--is something else
8061 	 altogether. "An encore would
8062 	 be nice." I smile. "Maybe nice is not the right word, though."
8063 	 **
8064 	 
8065 	 Nice works. So how about it?
8066 	 
8067 	 
8068 	 When can we get together
8069 	 
8070 	 
8071 	 again?
8072 	 He winds his fingers into my hair. Tugs gently, brings my face right down against his. Opens his mouth.
8073 	 
8074 	 We are tongue on tongue
8075 	 **
8076 	 when the beep of a passing
8077 	 peeping Tom reminds me
8078 	 I'm standing beside a quite
8079 	 public thoroughfare. Any-
8080 	 one could pass by and, oh
8081 	 yeah, I'm supposed to be
8082 	 hooking up with Mick.
8083 	 **
8084 	 For once, I'm glad he's late, although if he doesn't show
8085 	 pretty soon I might just have to take off with Ty. Sheesh.
8086 	 I really am sick, aren't I?
8087 	 269
8088 	 Guess the best thing is to play
8089 	 coy. "I'll check my schedule and get back to you, okay?"
8090 	 **
8091 	 He looks like I slapped him.
8092 	 Hurt? Pissed? Totally surprised?
8093 	 What? Does every girl he asks
8094 	 jump straight into bed (cuffs) with him? Has he never been on the far side of "coy"? The
8095 	 game moves to level two.
8096 	 270
8097 	 
8098 	 
8099 	 
8100 	 I Triple Promise
8101 	 
8102 	 I'll give him a call.
8103 	 Straight up, I will, because one guy will never be
8104 	 **
8105 	 enough for the likes of me.
8106 	 Truth is, I can't
8107 	 believe one anything (guy,
8108 	 **
8109 	 girl, whatever you
8110 	 happen to be into) could be
8111 	 enough for anyone.
8112 	 **
8113 	 Too, too many "anyones" in this ol' world.
8114 	 Let's see. I'm currently
8115 	 **
8116 	 working on three.
8117 	 All different. Smart. Not so.
8118 	 Accomplished. Not
8119 	 **
8120 	 so. Older. Not so. Oh, and speaking of Not So, better late than never, Mick
8121 	 **
8122 	 arrives.
8123 	 271
8124 	 
8125 	 
8126 	 
8127 	 Ty's Quite Recent Invitation
8128 	 
8129 	 Was totally beyond my control.
8130 	 I didn't solicit. Didn't even agree.
8131 	 **
8132 	 So why, pray fucking tell, do I feel
8133 	 guilty? Guilt is not a Gardella trait.
8134 	 **
8135 	 Certainly not a Raeanne trait. What the hell is up with me? Mick parks
8136 	 **
8137 	 with an overt flourish. Not much
8138 	 subtle about Mick. He reminds me
8139 	 **
8140 	 of a Rottweiler. Eighty percent
8141 	 brawn. Twenty percent affection,
8142 	 **
8143 	 long as you treat him right. I jump up into the Avalanche, scoot almost
8144 	 **
8145 	 into his lap, give him an over-the-top
8146 	 kiss, hoping he doesn't taste guilt.
8147 	 **
8148 	 Whatever he tastes, he likes it, wants
8149 	 another dose. I stop his tongue (not
8150 	 **
8151 	 to mention his hands) with a single
8152 	 word. "No." Then I assuage his obvious
8153 	 **
8154 	 disappointment. "Not enough privacy
8155 	 here for what I've got in mind. Let's go."
8156 	 272
8157 	 
8158 	 
8159 	 
8160 	 He Starts to Turn South
8161 	 
8162 	 But I stop him, with a hand on a spot
8163 	 too high on his thigh to qualify as
8164 	 "thigh." "Let's go to my house.
8165 	 It's empty." And, of course, it should
8166 	 be empty, with Manuela out sick.
8167 	 It's a gamble, inviting Mick to my house to party. But Mom's
8168 	 campaigning. Daddy's judging, and
8169 	 I
8170 	 am the only one brave enough to veer from the "should do" straight into the "want to do." And that is so what I'm going to do. Better to
8171 	 be
8172 	 a little reckless than like Kaeleigh--
8173 	 all uptight and frozen all the time.
8174 	 Okay, so maybe I lean a bit
8175 	 too far the other way, but scared is something I refuse to be. I'd
8176 	 rather spit in the devil's face.
8177 	 So Mick and I will smoke up and make out in my bedroom.
8178 	 I don't
8179 	 think we'll get caught, but the very
8180 	 possibility is half the fun. And, with a modicum of luck, no one will
8181 	 know.
8182 	 273
8183 	 
8184 	 
8185 	 
8186 	 
8187 	 
8188 	 Kaeleigh
8189 	 
8190 	 
8191 	 
8192 	 
8193 	 I Thought Last Block
8194 	 
8195 	 Would never come. I've had
8196 	 Ian on my mind all afternoon.
8197 	 I know right now I
8198 	 should
8199 	 concentrate on Ms. Cavendish and her impassioned stage direction.
8200 	 But I'm standing here, so close to Ian. And he smells good and all
8201 	 I
8202 	 want to do is kiss him again, like we kissed earlier. Because for the very first time, a kiss felt right, and exactly the way a kiss should
8203 	 be
8204 	 instead of like something dirty.
8205 	 And what rose up inside of me was something so intense and so completely new, it scared
8206 	 me, only it scared me in a good
8207 	 way instead of making me want to crawl in a hole and die.
8208 	 I slip my hand inside Ian's and
8209 	 I don't
8210 	 want anyone to see because
8211 	 I'm afraid someone will pull
8212 	 me away from him if they
8213 	 know.
8214 	 274
8215 	 
8216 	 
8217 	 
8218 	 Our Fingers Interlock
8219 	 
8220 	 And it feels like commitment.
8221 	 **
8222 	 And that begins a tug-of-war
8223 	 **
8224 	 inside me.
8225 	 **
8226 	 I want Ian to give me all of himself.
8227 	 **
8228 	 But that means returning
8229 	 **
8230 	 the priceless gift.
8231 	 **
8232 	 I want to open myself, let him inside.
8233 	 **
8234 	 But how do I give what has
8235 	 **
8236 	 always been taken?
8237 	 **
8238 	 I want to know what it means to be in love.
8239 	 **
8240 	 But in my dictionary, "in love"
8241 	 **
8242 	 is indefinable.
8243 	 275
8244 	 
8245 	 
8246 	 
8247 	 We Have to Unlock
8248 	 
8249 	 To rehearse. And I feel regret, and I know Ian feels it too.
8250 	 At least our love scenes should
8251 	 come easy for once. If I can
8252 	 just remember my lines!
8253 	 **
8254 	 
8255 	 Places, everyone,
8256 	 directs Ms. C.
8257 	 
8258 	 
8259 	 From the top, no music today.
8260 	 
8261 	 **
8262 	 Reluctantly, I start stage right.
8263 	 
8264 	 Ian stops me with a gentle hand, whispers,
8265 	 We need to talk. Can
8266 	 
8267 	 
8268 	 I take you home? Please?
8269 	 
8270 	 **
8271 	 Yes. No. Oh God, what does he want to talk about? A wave of fear crashes over me. Makes it hard to draw breath. Still I croak,
8272 	 "Okay," look into his eyes, try to discern what's hiding there.
8273 	 **
8274 	 I cannot see anything secret.
8275 	 only love and something
8276 	 I myself know only too well--fear.
8277 	 276
8278 	 
8279 	 
8280 	 
8281 	 Ian, Afraid?
8282 	 
8283 	 What can he possibly
8284 	 be afraid of? He's the strongest person I've ever known.
8285 	 **
8286 	 I fret on that all through drama, flub my lines every
8287 	 time the thought
8288 	 blankets my brain, disrupts rote memory.
8289 	 **
8290 	 Finally the bell rings.
8291 	 As we gather our things,
8292 	 I notice Ian barely looks at me, or at anyone
8293 	 else for that matter.
8294 	 And believe me, we are the focus of more than one person's attention.
8295 	 **
8296 	 The one who I notice
8297 	 most, beaming evil
8298 	 rays from her charcoal
8299 	 pencil-smeared eyes, is the most-likely-to-be-
8300 	 our-next-class-president, the ever-amiable Madison.
8301 	 277
8302 	 
8303 	 
8304 	 
8305 	 Ian Walks Past Her
8306 	 
8307 	 Without so much as a nod, despite the come-on smile she gives him, as an obvious
8308 	 jab at me. What's up?
8309 	 **
8310 	 
8311 	 Ian slides an arm around my waist.
8312 	 Ready?
8313 	 
8314 	 
8315 	 **
8316 	 
8317 	 His touch sends little electric
8318 	 jolts through parts of my body
8319 	 I usually try to ignore. "Ready."
8320 	 Madison is still staring as we
8321 	 **
8322 	 exit. I can feel her eyes stab
8323 	 
8324 	 my back, and when I turn, she mouths a single word.
8325 	 Slut.
8326 	 
8327 	 I really don't get her at all.
8328 	 **
8329 	 But how can I possibly care?
8330 	 I am hip-to-hip with the most
8331 	 incredible guy in the universe.
8332 	 And for once I will let myself
8333 	 **
8334 	 
8335 	 accept our union. At least until he takes me home and tells me, as I fear he will,
8336 	 This is a mistake.
8337 	 
8338 	 
8339 	 You don't deserve my love.
8340 	 
8341 	 278
8342 	 
8343 	 
8344 	 
8345 	 This Afternoon
8346 	 
8347 	 Comes laced with autumn chill.
8348 	 Ian insists I wear his jacket, and the sharp scent of leather lifts up underneath the helmet's face
8349 	 shield. My arms hug Ian tight, and as he shifts the Yamaha, the muscles beneath his Levi
8350 	 shirt tense and release. Tense and release. And my body
8351 	 tenses too. I've ridden behind him many times before. So
8352 	 why is it suddenly new?
8353 	 **
8354 	 His contours, taut and sinewy, are exactly the same. The mink
8355 	 curl of his hair creeps gently from beneath his helmet. Same.
8356 	 He commands the big bike with skill and respect. Same as always. But I am different.
8357 	 And I don't understand
8358 	 exactly how. And I don't
8359 	 understand just why.
8360 	 **
8361 	 All I know is I love how it feels.
8362 	 And I know I'm going to lose it, just like I've lost everything
8363 	 important in my life.
8364 	 279
8365 	 
8366 	 
8367 	 
8368 	 Daddy Isn't Home
8369 	 
8370 	 Not that I expected him to be.
8371 	 It's early yet. I climb down from the bike, biting back
8372 	 anxiety. "Want to come inside?"
8373 	 **
8374 	 Ian hesitates. Normally he wouldn't chance it. But today
8375 	 
8376 	 whatever he has to say makes the risk worthwhile.
8377 	 Okay.
8378 	 
8379 	 
8380 	 **
8381 	 
8382 	 Knowing spies might lurk, we don't touch until we're through the front door. Once it closes, I'm in Ian's arms.
8383 	 **
8384 	 Our kiss eclipses all others, real, imagined, dreamed of.
8385 	 It is the beginning of time, it is the end of the ages.
8386 	 **
8387 	 I can't breathe, don't want to breathe. I want to give my
8388 	 breath to Ian, die in the giving.
8389 	 I want to give him more...
8390 	 280
8391 	 
8392 	 
8393 	 
8394 	 Desire Strikes Like a Cobra
8395 	 
8396 	 Sinks its fangs between my legs, injects its venom. The heady
8397 	 creep wanders from groin to belly.
8398 	 **
8399 	 I lift Ian's hands, urge them against the throb beneath my blouse. "Touch me. Please?"
8400 	 **
8401 	 
8402 	 He wants to, does, and I love his skin on mine. And then he moans,
8403 	 Oh, Kaeleigh...
8404 	 
8405 	 
8406 	 **
8407 	 
8408 	 And suddenly a different
8409 	 snake strikes, with lightning
8410 	 ferocity. Not cobra, but python,
8411 	 **
8412 	 
8413 	 threading itself around me, squeezing. Hissing,
8414 	 Oh, Kaeleigh.
8415 	 
8416 	 
8417 	 Oh yes, that's right, little flower.
8418 	 
8419 	 I jerk back and Ian's watery eyes
8420 	 reflect the horror in my own.
8421 	 
8422 	 Oh God, Kaeleigh, what is it?
8423 	 
8424 	 
8425 	 **
8426 	 
8427 	 
8428 	 Tell me!
8429 	 Then he softens, clay in hot-water hands.
8430 	 Please
8431 	 
8432 	 
8433 	 tell me.
8434 	 And he starts to cry.
8435 	 
8436 	 281
8437 	 And I cry too. And I want to confess. And I fall so deep into his tears that I think I'll drown.
8438 	 **
8439 	 "Oh God, Ian. I love you so much. If I could tell
8440 	 anyone, I would tell you...."
8441 	 **
8442 	 Anger swells inside him now, bloats like August carrion, and his eyes fairly sizzle.
8443 	 **
8444 	 
8445 	 You are all I've ever wanted,
8446 	 and I want you now with all
8447 	 
8448 	 
8449 	 that I am. I don't mean I want
8450 	 
8451 	 
8452 	 **
8453 	 
8454 	 
8455 	 sex with you. although I do
8456 	 
8457 	 
8458 	 want that. too. I want the part
8459 	 of you that you refuse to give.
8460 	 
8461 	 282
8462 	 
8463 	 
8464 	 
8465 	 And I Think
8466 	 
8467 	 He will do as he's always done in the past--stalk away, out the door. Rev up his bike, leave me here, alone in his exhaust. Small. Very small.
8468 	 **
8469 	 
8470 	 Instead he coaxes me,
8471 	 Please,
8472 	 let me hold you.
8473 	 And I look, but the python has dissolved into the jungle, left me numb with confusion and need.
8474 	 
8475 	 **
8476 	 The need for a friend. The need for a lover. The need to trust
8477 	 someone, and who can I trust, if not Ian? I lean into the warmth of him, the truth of him. I look
8478 	 **
8479 	 up into his eyes, find so much
8480 	 love for me there I know I'll
8481 	 never be okay without him in my life. My eyes beg him to kiss me. And when he does,
8482 	 **
8483 	 it's like rain on drought-starved
8484 	 desert. I want to give him what he asked for. Just as I think I will, it full frontal hits me that
8485 	 it's best to let sleeping pythons lie.
8486 	 283
8487 	 
8488 	 
8489 	 
8490 	 Speaking of Snakes
8491 	 
8492 	 I think it's best for Ian to leave before my personal serpent slithers
8493 	 home. "I'm not ready to tell you
8494 	 everything yet, but I want you to know something changed today...."
8495 	 **
8496 	 Something profound, but I don't
8497 	 say that. "I've always loved you like a friend, but I want us to be
8498 	 more. I want to give you all of me, and I will just as soon as I can. Okay?"
8499 	 **
8500 	 His eyes are red. Bleary.
8501 	 But smeared in them is something
8502 	 resembling hope. He smiles.
8503 	 
8504 	 I've waited this long. Guess
8505 	 a little longer won't hurt
8506 	 
8507 	 
8508 	 **
8509 	 
8510 	 
8511 	 But please try to trust me. Love
8512 	 is meaningless without trust.
8513 	 
8514 	 
8515 	 I can't change what has happened
8516 	 in the past, Kaeleigh. I can only
8517 	 
8518 	 
8519 	 promise to make the future better.
8520 	 
8521 	 
8522 	 **
8523 	 
8524 	 and he kisses me again, and there is no need for sex, no
8525 	 need for hands. No demands.
8526 	 No control. Only connection.
8527 	 284
8528 	 
8529 	 
8530 	 
8531 	 I Walk Ian to His Bike
8532 	 
8533 	 Feeling completely disconnected without my fingers twined in his.
8534 	 **
8535 	 But the idea of spies--Daddy's,
8536 	 Mom's, or some unknown covert
8537 	 **
8538 	 operatives--nags. I look right, left, over my shoulder, across the street,
8539 	 **
8540 	 but can't discern a single person who might qualify as a spy.
8541 	 **
8542 	 Before Ian can put on his helmet,
8543 	 I sneak one last delicious kiss."
8544 	 **
8545 	 Oh, hey. You wanted to talk to me about something, remember?"
8546 	 **
8547 	 
8548 	 Ian looks nowhere but directly into my eyes.
8549 	 Think we covered it.
8550 	 
8551 	 
8552 	 **
8553 	 
8554 	 
8555 	 Guess I'll see you tomorrow.
8556 	 
8557 	 He straddles the Yamaha, turns
8558 	 **
8559 	 
8560 	 the key, pauses long enough to say, I
8561 	 love you,
8562 	 and he's gone.
8563 	 
8564 	 285
8565 	 
8566 	 
8567 	 
8568 	 My Normal MO
8569 	 
8570 	 After Ian leaves me alone is to run to the refrigerator, empty most of it onto a plate and smother every bad feeling.
8571 	 **
8572 	 
8573 	 Like an automaton, I go into the kitchen, open the fridge, peek inside. But for once, nothing shouts,
8574 	 Eat me now!
8575 	 
8576 	 
8577 	 **
8578 	 
8579 	 Thinking back, I didn't have
8580 	 lunch, didn't have breakfast.
8581 	 I should be starving, and in fact, my tummy's rumbling.
8582 	 **
8583 	 I grab a bottle of raspberry
8584 	 iced tea, one of Mom's Power-
8585 	 Bars, and a handful of grapes.
8586 	 Eating healthy? So not me.
8587 	 **
8588 	 But at the moment, nothing inside needs to be killed with food.
8589 	 No shame. No pain. No loneliness.
8590 	 Every demon is fast asleep.
8591 	 286
8592 	 
8593 	 
8594 	 
8595 	 Notice I Didn't Say Gone
8596 	 
8597 	 I'm not stupid enough to believe one magical afternoon
8598 	 can vanquish my monsters
8599 	 forever. And what is forever, anyway, but enough time for monster to beget monster?
8600 	 No matter, I take a big bite of the PowerBar, which
8601 	 is
8602 	 stale, the texture of rubber, and mostly flavorless, though t he wrapper claims "great
8603 	 chocolate taste." It takes a long
8604 	 while and too many teeth-
8605 	 grinding chews to swallow a single bite. I toss the rest, gulp
8606 	 some tea, and just about the time
8607 	 I consider my homework,
8608 	 I hear the garage door open.
8609 	 If I hurry, I can slip out the front before Daddy knows I'm here.
8610 	 Too much of me is happy right
8611 	 now to allow the rest to worry about his current state of mind.
8612 	 287
8613 	 
8614 	 
8615 	 
8616 	 
8617 	 
8618 	 Raeanne
8619 	 
8620 	 
8621 	 
8622 	 
8623 	 The Library
8624 	 
8625 	 forever,
8626 	 Is busy this afternoon.
8627 	 Lots of little kids running
8628 	 around. It seems like it takes
8629 	 forever to find a quiet place in an unobtrusive corner. I put my
8630 	 sweater on the chair across from mine. Wait. Mr. Lawler
8631 	 is
8632 	 late, and it crosses my mind
8633 	 that he might stand me up.
8634 	 I pretend to be working, and after what seems like a long
8635 	 time (though the clock
8636 	 insists it's only ten minutes),
8637 	 I sense eyes and smell Lawler's
8638 	 
8639 	 woody cologne.
8640 	 Sorry I'm late.
8641 	 
8642 	 
8643 	 Time
8644 	 
8645 	 
8646 	 got away from me this afternoon.
8647 	 
8648 	 
8649 	 Is this yours?
8650 	 He points to my sweater and I nod. "Saved
8651 	 
8652 	 you a seat." He smiles and sits across the narrow table from me and seems not to worry at all that our legs touch.
8653 	 288
8654 	 
8655 	 
8656 	 
8657 	 Glad I Wore Jeans Today
8658 	 
8659 	 I haven't shaved in a few days.
8660 	 Nothing less sexy than stubble, when you're leg to leg with an amazing guy.
8661 	 And, teacher or no teacher, ten years (or maybe more) my
8662 	 senior or not, he is def amazing.
8663 	 **
8664 	 I lean forward slightly, notice his eyes fall to what almost
8665 	 passes as cleavage, with a good
8666 	 Victoria's Secret push-up bra
8667 	 helping out. Glad I wore that, too.
8668 	 **
8669 	 
8670 	 He clears his throat.
8671 	 Of all
8672 	 
8673 	 
8674 	 my students this semester,
8675 	 you seem to have the best
8676 	 
8677 	 
8678 	 grip on history. Not just
8679 	 
8680 	 
8681 	 dates and events, but also
8682 	 their relevance to today.
8683 	 
8684 	 
8685 	 So how can I help you?
8686 	 
8687 	 
8688 	 **
8689 	 
8690 	 I smile. "Loaded question.
8691 	 But what I'd like is your take on conspiracy theories...."
8692 	 We spend the next twenty minutes
8693 	 discussing the Kennedys, Martin
8694 	 Luther King Jr., Castro, Lyndon B.
8695 	 Johnson, and government goons.
8696 	 289
8697 	 Who knew conspiracy theories and sixties politics could be
8698 	 such a major turn-on?
8699 	 The entire time, my legs rest
8700 	 gently between his, knees
8701 	 touching the inside of his, and despite my "lunch" with
8702 	 Mick today. I'm starting to feel incredibly, um...aroused.
8703 	 **
8704 	 And what's more, I can tell
8705 	 Lawler feels the same way.
8706 	 While we talk, his hair strays down close to his eyes and
8707 	 I start to reach up, move it out of the way for him. Reconsider.
8708 	 Damn, the man is totally hot.
8709 	 **
8710 	 Just as I think that, my cell
8711 	 phone rings. Once. Twice.
8712 	 I glance at who's calling.
8713 	 Daddy, of course. "Excuse
8714 	 me one second?" I turn my
8715 	 back to Lawler, take the call, explain where I am and when
8716 	 I'll be home. After I hang
8717 	 up, Mr. Lawler says,
8718 	 
8719 	 Sounds like it's time to go.
8720 	 
8721 	 
8722 	 Any more questions?
8723 	 
8724 	 290
8725 	 
8726 	 
8727 	 
8728 	 Questions? Yeah, I've Got Them
8729 	 
8730 	 [the next lines are shaped like a question mark in the book]
8731 	 Do you or don't you have a girl-
8732 	 friend? If you do, is she prettier than me? If you do, do you
8733 	 sleep around on her?
8734 	 If you do, would
8735 	 you sleep with me?
8736 	 Even if you don't
8737 	 have a girlfriend, would you pretty
8738 	 please sleep with me? Have you ever
8739 	 slept with a student?
8740 	 If you have, was she prettier than me? Even
8741 	 if you've never slept with a student, would
8742 	 you pretty please sleep with me? Is this over-
8743 	 whelming attraction
8744 	 really mutual, or I
8745 	 s my believing
8746 	 that just a sign of impending
8747 	 insanity? Is my
8748 	 **
8749 	 lunacy on the horizon, or is it already here?
8750 	 291
8751 	 
8752 	 
8753 	 
8754 	 I Don't Actually Ask
8755 	 
8756 	 Any of those questions, although
8757 	 I'd really, really like the answers.
8758 	 Instead I say, "No more questions
8759 	 **
8760 	 right now, at least not about conspiracies. But I'm seriously
8761 	 thinking about majoring in history.
8762 	 **
8763 	 When I start looking at colleges, will you help?" I still haven't moved
8764 	 my legs. Neither has he, and that
8765 	 **
8766 	 encourages my next move. I slide
8767 	 my arm under the table, rest
8768 	 my hand on his knee. Okay, now
8769 	 **
8770 	 this can go either way. "I'd like your views on schools. And maybe
8771 	 you'll honor me with a good reference?"
8772 	 292
8773 	 
8774 	 
8775 	 
8776 	 Lawler Doesn't Jerk Away
8777 	 
8778 	 Doesn't run away.
8779 	 In fact, he barely
8780 	 even blinks.
8781 	 **
8782 	 All he does is smile and cover
8783 	 my hand with his own.
8784 	 His palm is smooth, and it wears a thin
8785 	 patina of sweat.
8786 	 **
8787 	 
8788 	 You know you're
8789 	 
8790 	 
8791 	 my favorite student.
8792 	 
8793 	 
8794 	 A good reference is no
8795 	 
8796 	 
8797 	 **
8798 	 
8799 	 
8800 	 problem at all. And of
8801 	 course we can talk
8802 	 about schools.
8803 	 
8804 	 
8805 	 **
8806 	 
8807 	 
8808 	 You still owe me
8809 	 
8810 	 
8811 	 that cup of coffee. I'm
8812 	 
8813 	 
8814 	 not likely to forget. Next time?
8815 	 
8816 	 293
8817 	 
8818 	 
8819 	 
8820 	 Next Time!
8821 	 
8822 	 There's going to be a next time, and darlin', it's gonna be a lot
8823 	 more private than this time,
8824 	 **
8825 	 I'm guessing. Don't want to look too anxious, though, so
8826 	 I simply agree, "Next time."
8827 	 **
8828 	 Neither of us has moved yet, not a finger, not a knee. I think
8829 	 maybe before my next history
8830 	 **
8831 	 class I'll shave my legs, buy
8832 	 some nylons, and make sure
8833 	 my shortest skirt is clean.
8834 	 **
8835 	 Finally he lifts his hand away from mine. I sigh and he smiles.
8836 	 
8837 	 Thanks for an enlightening afternoon.
8838 	 
8839 	 
8840 	 **
8841 	 
8842 	 He lowers his voice slightly.
8843 	 
8844 	 You really are an exceptional
8845 	 
8846 	 
8847 	 young woman, you know.
8848 	 
8849 	 
8850 	 **
8851 	 
8852 	 
8853 	 I look forward to coffee and you
8854 	 
8855 	 
8856 	 very soon. Better take my leave
8857 	 before the gossip mill starts to spin.
8858 	 
8859 	 294
8860 	 
8861 	 
8862 	 
8863 	 I Watch Him Go
8864 	 
8865 	 My heart races and my brain
8866 	 buzzes, replaying his words.
8867 	 
8868 	 **
8869 	 
8870 	 
8871 	 I look forward to coffee and you
8872 	 
8873 	 
8874 	 coffee and you
8875 	 and you
8876 	 
8877 	 
8878 	 you.
8879 	 
8880 	 **
8881 	 Maybe I'm reading way too much into it. It's weird, because I so
8882 	 **
8883 	 believed there was something between us, but now I'm not
8884 	 **
8885 	 so sure there really is, even
8886 	 though just a second ago, I was.
8887 	 **
8888 	 
8889 	 I look forward to coffee and you
8890 	 
8891 	 
8892 	 coffee and you
8893 	 and you
8894 	 
8895 	 
8896 	 you.
8897 	 
8898 	 Take out the "coffee" and what
8899 	 have you got? Words. Decaf words.
8900 	 295
8901 	 
8902 	 
8903 	 
8904 	 Coffee Actually Sounds
8905 	 
8906 	 Pretty damn good right now
8907 	 (coffee and...him).
8908 	 All I had for lunch was a big
8909 	 **
8910 	 fat doobie and an overdose of Mick. My blood
8911 	 sugar has bottomed out.
8912 	 **
8913 	 I told Daddy I'd be home about six, and it's only a little after five now. I'll grab a quick
8914 	 **
8915 	 something before I try to walk
8916 	 home. It's not too far, mostly downhill, but a quick
8917 	 **
8918 	 carb injection will not hurt one
8919 	 bit. I drop into the little
8920 	 market nearby, grab a Nutri-Grain
8921 	 **
8922 	 Bar and a Diet Coke. Mmm. Well, at least it will get me
8923 	 home. As I exit, a silver car zips
8924 	 **
8925 	 into the parking lot, radio blaring.
8926 	 
8927 	 Hey!
8928 	 calls Brittany.
8929 	 
8930 	 
8931 	 What's up? Need a ride somewhere?
8932 	 
8933 	 296
8934 	 
8935 	 
8936 	 
8937 	 I Know Daddy Has Issued
8938 	 
8939 	 A "no rides with Brittany" edict.
8940 	 But that was to Kaeleigh, not me, and I really don't feel like walking.
8941 	 **
8942 	 Besides, he's probably halfway to drunk by now. If I'm lucky, he won't notice me come in at all.
8943 	 **
8944 	 "Sure," I agree. "Why not?" Just in case,
8945 	 I point Brittany in the opposite direction, around the block from how I usually go.
8946 	 **
8947 	 No need to tempt the devil, I always say.
8948 	 As she cruises slowly up the street, something makes me turn my head.
8949 	 **
8950 	 We're passing Hannah's house.
8951 	 She's the not-yet-nurse with the big
8952 	 mouth, the one who busted Kaeleigh.
8953 	 **
8954 	 She's standing on her front step, talking to the devil himself. In fact, she is standing very close to Daddy.
8955 	 **
8956 	 To an outsider, they are the picture of propriety. Neighbor to neighbor, discussing the weather, perhaps.
8957 	 297
8958 	 But I see something more in the way he leans toward her, close, as if he's hard of hearing.
8959 	 **
8960 	 Darkness has closed in, but Hannah
8961 	 might recognize Brittany's car.
8962 	 I think I am too obvious, and duck.
8963 	 **
8964 	 "Don't slow down. Keep going."
8965 	 
8966 	 Yeah, sure,
8967 	 she says, and she does, apparently used to such deception.
8968 	 
8969 	 **
8970 	 I poke up my face, barely over the seat, look out the back window, fingers crossed I remain incognito.
8971 	 **
8972 	 Daddy and Hannah are lost in each
8973 	 other, and Daddy's body language
8974 	 tells me everything I need to know.
8975 	 298
8976 	 
8977 	 
8978 	 
8979 	 I'm an Expert Interpreter
8980 	 
8981 	 Of body language: slant of face, arc of hand, frame of shoulder, the whisper of knee against willing knee.
8982 	 I know that one well.
8983 	 **
8984 	 I recognize anger in a certain arch of Mom's
8985 	 spine; obstinacy, double-
8986 	 clenched in her jaw; the tip of chin signaling
8987 	 imminent tears.
8988 	 **
8989 	 Desire? Every man
8990 	 displays it differently.
8991 	 Some, like Mick, wear it puffed up, peacocks
8992 	 strutting ostentation in lieu of real substance.
8993 	 **
8994 	 Men like Ty are harder to read--granite-faced, molded smiles that can
8995 	 mean anything. You find their fire in the unfathomable
8996 	 pewter of their eyes.
8997 	 299
8998 	 Lawler-types store lust
8999 	 not in sinew or bone, but rather just beneath the skin, a steady pulse at the wrists and temples. And when need
9000 	 rises, easy beat becomes throb.
9001 	 **
9002 	 But I know one man
9003 	 better than the rest.
9004 	 I know when it's safe to be near him--when
9005 	 booze or pills divorce
9006 	 every muscle from stress.
9007 	 **
9008 	 I know when it's best to sneak away--when he comes in the door
9009 	 stiff and heavy as iron, eyelids wide and ears
9010 	 practically steaming.
9011 	 **
9012 	 And I know when his face
9013 	 flushes and his breath
9014 	 comes in raspy little pants and his red-rimmed eyes fall on all the wrong places, it's definitely time to run.
9015 	 300
9016 	 
9017 	 
9018 	 
9019 	 Right Now His Eyes
9020 	 
9021 	 Fall on all the wrong places, and those places belong to Hannah. I should yell,
9022 	 "Run!" It doesn't really
9023 	 surprise
9024 	 me that he's hitting on her,
9025 	 I suppose. She's only a few
9026 	 years older than me, and looks like she's twelve. I
9027 	 guess
9028 	 she's about five feet tall and size three. (And how will
9029 	 someone that little handle ER
9030 	 work, anyway?) She's married,
9031 	 I'm pretty sure, to some guy
9032 	 who
9033 	 I've never seen. Soldier?
9034 	 Merchant marine? Jailbird?
9035 	 No matter. He's not around much and hey, lucky her,
9036 	 Daddy's
9037 	 just down the street, and always up for some young-
9038 	 looking meat. And just
9039 	 maybe this little detour
9040 	 means Daddy won't be
9041 	 screwing
9042 	 Kaeleigh, too, at least not for the foreseeable future.
9043 	 301
9044 	 
9045 	 
9046 	 
9047 	 
9048 	 
9049 	 Kaeleigh
9050 	 
9051 	 
9052 	 
9053 	 
9054 	 Today Was Incredible
9055 	 
9056 	 Today was impossible.
9057 	 Today was perfect and terrible and filled with surprise after surprise. The thing with Ian scares the living hell
9058 	 out of me. Love, I know, isn't something to second-
9059 	 guess, but in my world, love is always defined by ulterior
9060 	 motive. To say yes, give
9061 	 my whole heart away, simply terrifies me. But
9062 	 who
9063 	 can I ever trust, if not Ian?
9064 	 Trust--another indefinable
9065 	 word. I'm not sure how to process learning about
9066 	 Daddy's
9067 	 possible affair, not that there's
9068 	 much overt proof of it. Even
9069 	 if it's the real deal, I doubt
9070 	 Mom would care. It's not like the two of them do much
9071 	 screwing, at least not with each other.
9072 	 So why should I care?
9073 	 302
9074 	 
9075 	 
9076 	 
9077 	 My Parents Aren't Real
9078 	 
9079 	 Parents anyway.
9080 	 They're cardboard
9081 
9082 	 cutouts. I mean, aren't
9083 	 
9084 	 parents supposed to care about their kids? Care
9085 	 for
9086 	 their kids? Not abuse
9087 	 
9088 	 them or use them or lose track of them.
9089 	 And aren't they
9090 	 supposed to care for each other? Not use
9091 	 each other or lose the love that was once central to each
9092 	 other's existence.
9093 	 Not toss each other
9094 	 aside because life
9095 	 threw a curveball their way, even if it was a major curve-
9096 	 ball. No wonder
9097 	 I'm a little paranoid about giving away my
9098 	 love. What if I go
9099 	 ahead, give it, and he decides to re-gift it?
9100 	 303
9101 	 
9102 	 
9103 	 
9104 	 Of Course, Maybe Daddy
9105 	 
9106 	 Isn't really sleeping with Hannah.
9107 	 Maybe it's a harmless flirtation.
9108 	 (Harmless? Daddy?)
9109 	 Maybe they were just having an innocent conversation.
9110 	 (Innocent? Daddy?)
9111 	 Maybe Daddy was just trying to be helpful with some legal advice.
9112 	 (Helpful? Daddy?)
9113 	 Maybe he was just trying to offer a selfless act of kindness.
9114 	 (Selfless? Daddy?)
9115 	 **
9116 	 And just why am I offering
9117 	 him such an easy out?
9118 	 (Easy? You?)
9119 	 Am I overly generous, or just totally ignorant?
9120 	 (Ignorant? You?)
9121 	 Am I being loyal, or am
9122 	 I, in fact, a little jealous?
9123 	 (Enough said.)
9124 	 304
9125 	 
9126 	 
9127 	 
9128 	 Whatever Daddy Did
9129 	 
9130 	 With Hannah wiped him out. Okay, that and his usual Wild Turkey dinner, plus OxyContin dessert. He's snoozing in front of the TV set, and the TV is off.
9131 	 Kinda creepy, but oh so very Daddy.
9132 	 **
9133 	 Guess I'll make myself something to eat. Something substantial.
9134 	 I'm starving. Too bad the pantry
9135 	 looks like a raiding party came
9136 	 through. Manuela usually handles
9137 	 **
9138 	 grocery store duty, but she had an asthma attack and wound up in the hospital. Wonder if Hannah
9139 	 took care of her in the ER. Wonder
9140 	 if Hannah will do the shopping
9141 	 **
9142 	 this week. Wonder if I can make
9143 	 spaghetti with tomato soup and ramen noodles. Sounds disgusting, but beggars cannot be choosers. Oh, wait. Two boxes of mac and cheese.
9144 	 **
9145 	 At least it's the kind with the cheese in a can, not the stuff with fluorescent
9146 	 orange chem cheese powder. I make
9147 	 both boxes, because two is always
9148 	 better than one. That's my motto.
9149 	 3
9150 	 305
9151 	 
9152 	 
9153 	 
9154 	 Double the Pleasure
9155 	 
9156 	 I polish off every bite of both
9157 	 boxes. Enough, according to the label, to feed a family of four. Twice. Not a very hungry
9158 	 family, if you ask me.
9159 	 **
9160 	 Double the pleasure. Now I
9161 	 feel the need for liquid fun.
9162 	 Tucked away in a low cabinet is my parents' liquor stash.
9163 	 Can't touch the Turkey.
9164 	 The smell gags me and anyway,
9165 	 Daddy would notice it missing.
9166 	 **
9167 	 The Chopin vodka, stashed in the freezer, is a different
9168 	 song, and I'm so ready to drink that slushy tune.
9169 	 I'll never sleep without it.
9170 	 Too many conflicts, volleying inside my head, bouncing off the interior of my skull.
9171 	 **
9172 	 I don't really like the taste of vodka, but they say you
9173 	 can't smell it on the breath.
9174 	 Not sure if that's true, or if it matters. Even if Daddy
9175 	 did wake up, he couldn't smell the vodka for the Turkey.
9176 	 306
9177 	 
9178 	 
9179 	 
9180 	 Double the Fun
9181 	 
9182 	 I poke my head into the living
9183 	 room. Daddy hasn't so much as twitched, at least that's my guess.
9184 	 The rest of the house is quiet
9185 	 **
9186 	 as death. Think I'm safe.
9187 	 I fill a juice glass half full of fermented potato juice, try
9188 	 not to think about such ingredients
9189 	 **
9190 	 as I down the clear, hot-and-cold
9191 	 liquid. Cold, as in not-quite frozen.
9192 	 Hot, as in its burn down the throat.
9193 	 Frozen smolder, a popular combo.
9194 	 **
9195 	 Phew! Chopin is definitely
9196 	 not cabernet. Still, while I feel it on my tongue, I don't feel it in my brain. Probably the mega
9197 	 **
9198 	 macaroni meal. This time
9199 	 I fill the four-ounce glass
9200 	 almost to the brim, think about adding some water
9201 	 **
9202 	 to the bottle before I put it away, decide against it. I doubt
9203 	 anyone will miss it, and I might
9204 	 want an encore performance.
9205 	 307
9206 	 Clutching the glass like a baby holds a bottle,
9207 	 I pad softly down the hall, to my room. I try sipping
9208 	 **
9209 	 the vodka, but gulping it is easier, and very quickly, the glass is empty again.
9210 	 Shouldn't I feel inebriated?
9211 	 **
9212 	 Ha. Funny word. Inebri...
9213 	 ineb...whoa. Wouldn't
9214 	 want to have to spell it!
9215 	 i-n-i...er, inebre...okay,
9216 	 **
9217 	 so maybe the Chopin is singing a little ditty after all. I'm usually a really good speller.
9218 	 308
9219 	 
9220 	 
9221 	 
9222 	 I Start to Feel
9223 	 
9224 	 A little fuzzy at the edges, and warm behind my eyes.
9225 	 Fuzzy and warm. That makes
9226 	 **
9227 	 me think of Ian. I glance at the clock. Not quite nine.
9228 	 I think I can get away with
9229 	 **
9230 	 a quick phone call. One ring, two ringies...three ringy
9231 	 dingies...C'mon, Ian. Pick up.
9232 	 **
9233 	 
9234 	 Finally,
9235 	 Hello? Kaeleigh?
9236 	 
9237 	 
9238 	 What's wrong?
9239 	 He waits
9240 	 
9241 	 patiently for me to explain
9242 	 **
9243 	 just why I'm actually calling
9244 	 him. This is something rare.
9245 	 "Nu ...nothing. I just wanted
9246 	 **
9247 	 
9248 	 t-to say...uh..." What
9249 	 did
9250 	 
9251 	 I want to say again? Oh. yeah.
9252 	 I remember. "Uh...Um..."
9253 	 I can't finish it, and his patience comes unraveled.
9254 	 
9255 	 Have you been drinking?
9256 	 
9257 	 309
9258 	 I could lie, but he'd know
9259 	 I was lying. "Uh, maybe a little..." Ball's in his court.
9260 	 **
9261 	 
9262 	 He rallies.
9263 	 I don't get it.
9264 	 
9265 	 
9266 	 Kaeleigh. Why tonight?
9267 	 
9268 	 
9269 	 Wasn't today good for you?
9270 	 
9271 	 **
9272 	 I think back. Good. Good.
9273 	 Sorta good. Not so good.
9274 	 Better now. Or is it really?
9275 	 **
9276 	 Don't say any of that! "It was wonderful. That's
9277 	 why I called. To tell you..."
9278 	 **
9279 	 Grow a pair, Kaeleigh. Tell
9280 	 him. He needs to hear it right now. "I lu...love you."
9281 	 **
9282 	 Pregnant pause. About nine
9283 	 
9284 	 months pregnant.
9285 	 I love you. too.
9286 	 
9287 	 
9288 	 But love doesn't make me drink.
9289 	 
9290 	 310
9291 	 
9292 	 
9293 	 
9294 	 What Does Make Him Drink?
9295 	 
9296 	 I wonder, trying my damnedest
9297 	 not to giggle. My entire core
9298 	 knows laughing will make
9299 	 him turn his back forever.
9300 	 **
9301 	 So why do I really need to laugh?
9302 	 (Oh girl, too many reasons to mention!) "S-so-sorry, Prince
9303 	 P-p-p-perfect. I guess th-that means..."
9304 	 **
9305 	 Brother! Why won't my mouth
9306 	 work? Straighten up and say it.
9307 	 "Guess that means you never
9308 	 found out your dad is s-scr..."
9309 	 **
9310 	 I swallow any sort of apology.
9311 	 "Screwing your neighbor."
9312 	 There. Said it. React, okay?
9313 	 Pregnant pause becomes three
9314 	 **
9315 	 weeks overdue. Four weeks.
9316 	 
9317 	 Time for a C-section.
9318 	 What?
9319 	 
9320 	 
9321 	 Oh. Kaeleigh, I'm so sorry.
9322 	 
9323 	 
9324 	 Are you sure...?
9325 	 
9326 	 
9327 	 **
9328 	 
9329 	 Spoken like a true guy. Even
9330 	 if I'm not sure, I say, "Of course
9331 	 I'm damn well sure. Do you think
9332 	 I drink for the fun of it?"
9333 	 311
9334 	 
9335 	 
9336 	 
9337 	 I Regret Everything Immediately
9338 	 
9339 	 The confession. The out-and-out
9340 	 meanness. That I called at all, considering the state I'm in.
9341 	 **
9342 	 "I'm s-sh-sorry, Ian. I just didn't
9343 	 know who I could t-t-talk
9344 	 to, except for you. I'll go now,'kay?"
9345 	 **
9346 	 
9347 	 Wait. Are you sure you're okay?
9348 	 
9349 	 
9350 	 Do you want me to pick you
9351 	 up in the morning?
9352 	 
9353 	 
9354 	 **
9355 	 
9356 	 I'm not okay at all, but I never
9357 	 will be. The thought pierces
9358 	 me. How can he ever love me?
9359 	 **
9360 	 I struggle to talk without slurring.
9361 	 "I...I'm okay. No, don't pick me
9362 	 up. I'll sh-see you at school."
9363 	 **
9364 	 
9365 	 Love is about helping each other
9366 	 through dark times, Kaeleigh.
9367 	 
9368 	 
9369 	 Try to remember that, okay?
9370 	 
9371 	 
9372 	 **
9373 	 
9374 	 
9375 	 Getting drunk tonight won't make
9376 	 
9377 	 
9378 	 tomorrow better. But letting me
9379 	 
9380 	 
9381 	 love you will. It's all up to you.
9382 	 
9383 	 312
9384 	 
9385 	 
9386 	 
9387 	 I So Do not Deserve Him
9388 	 
9389 	 
9390 	 He
9391 	 is
9392 	 
9393 	 Mr. Perfect and I'm a perfect
9394 	 ass to have ever, for even a moment, believed
9395 	 we could even resemble a real couple, in real love, like such a thing exists beyond media-fed
9396 	 fantasies.
9397 	 **
9398 	 He says he loves me and he'd never lie to me, not on purpose.
9399 	 But would he love me if he knew my secrets? I go from Chopin giggles to a Chopin breakdown, steeped in Chopin
9400 	 teardrops.
9401 	 313
9402 	 
9403 	 
9404 	 
9405 	 Time For a Chopin Pee
9406 	 
9407 	 I force Ian out of my mind, do the best I can to do that, anyway. Head spinning, gut
9408 	 churning, I go into the bath-
9409 	 room, try not to look at the girl in the mirror as I pass by.
9410 	 Every time I think I've gained a little control, actually played an active role in determining
9411 	 my future, reality punches me in the face. I have no control at all. All I can do is hang on for the ride, and it's starting to make me completely insane.
9412 	 The toilet beckons and my
9413 	 body responds, evacuating
9414 	 Chopin and undigested mac and cheese every which way
9415 	 imaginable. Finally I lay my
9416 	 sweaty forehead against the cool porcelain. No! I don't
9417 	 deserve such comfort. In fact, right this moment, all I really
9418 	 deserve, really desire, is pain.
9419 	 314
9420 	 
9421 	 
9422 	 
9423 	 Not Mental Pain
9424 	 
9425 	 Not emotional pain, things beyond my
9426 	 ability to control. But
9427 	 physical pain is most
9428 	 definitely within my
9429 	 limited realm of power.
9430 	 **
9431 	 I pull back from the mac
9432 	 spattered toilet, feel a fleeting sense of shame and commiseration for
9433 	 Manuela. But then I
9434 	 remember she's out of commission. Just who will scrub this mess?
9435 	 **
9436 	 Can't trust my shaky
9437 	 legs. I crawl over to the tub, hoist myself inside, slide out of my vomit-
9438 	 crusted clothes. Ugh!
9439 	 My legs are fat. Fat and hairy. Time for a major
9440 	 shave. And not just hair.
9441 	 315
9442 	 
9443 	 
9444 	 
9445 	 New
9446 	 Blade
9447 	 
9448 	 No razor burn.
9449 	 No razor nicks.
9450 	 No more hair.
9451 	 Legs are smooth.
9452 	 But still fat.
9453 	 Open my skin.
9454 	 Right ankle.
9455 	 Left ankle.
9456 	 White flesh.
9457 	 Red polka dots.
9458 	 Ha! That's funny.
9459 	 Ouch. Stings.
9460 	 Behind right knee.
9461 	 Left knee. Oops.
9462 	 A little deep.
9463 	 Blood pumps.
9464 	 
9465 	 Check it out
9466 	 .
9467 	 
9468 	 
9469 	 Thump. Thump.
9470 	 
9471 	 Oh my God.
9472 	 Can I stop it?
9473 	 Who really cares?
9474 	 The drain runs red.
9475 	 316
9476 	 
9477 	 
9478 	 
9479 	 I've Heard Exsanguination
9480 	 
9481 	 Is a pleasant enough way to go.
9482 	 Bleeding out, ebbing away, one
9483 	 heartbeat, ever slower, at a time.
9484 	 
9485 	 Thump-thump. Thump...thump. Thump...
9486 	 
9487 	 
9488 	 ...thump
9489 	 ......until you look
9490 	 
9491 	 death
9492 	 right in the eye, decide you like what you see. I've always feared
9493 	 dying before, psychological
9494 	 fallout from my childhood
9495 	 near
9496 	 death experience. The accident
9497 	 replays in a series of black-and-
9498 	 white snapshots. Raeanne laughs.
9499 	 
9500 	 Daddy swears. Mom screams,
9501 	 Ray!
9502 	 
9503 	 Glass rains. Darkness. Someone
9504 	 calls,
9505 	 
9506 	 Wake up,
9507 	 and I open my eyes to a swarm of disembodied faces.
9508 	 
9509 	 Halloween masks. Bloated. Distorted.
9510 	 Hands, gloved red, reach out to me.
9511 	 I fall back into blackness, stumble toward an orange glow, vaguely aware of spectral movement. Ahead, a figure
9512 	 leans into a low-banked fire. He lifts his horned head. Daddy! I leap from the shadows into antiseptic white.
9513 	 317
9514 	 
9515 	 
9516 	 
9517 	 
9518 	 
9519 	 Raeanne
9520 	 
9521 	 
9522 	 
9523 	 OM-Effing-G
9524 	 
9525 	 The bathroom looks like a battle
9526 	 field. Tangerine-colored puke
9527 	 paints toilet and tiles, and the whole place smells like death, not only because of the barfed- up whatever, but also because of the blood, thick maroon drips
9528 	 all over the tub and towels. And near the sink is a sticky crimson puddle.
9529 	 What's up with Kaeleigh, anyway?
9530 	 I mean, yeah, I get throwing up.
9531 	 It's not bad at all, except for the stomach acid part. The barf monster
9532 	 calls to me regularly. But hey, you're
9533 	 supposed to get it inside the bowl, and if you don't, protocol dictates
9534 	 you clean it up. I guess maid duty falls to me from who-knows-where this morning. Kaeleigh is gone, and if Daddy sees this, all hell
9535 	 will break loose. That girl seriously
9536 	 owes me, and I'd better collect soon, before she succumbs to the shadows
9537 	 overtaking her soul.
9538 	 318
9539 	 
9540 	 
9541 	 Speaking of Souls, Monsters, Etc.
9542 	 
9543 	 Tonight is Halloween.
9544 	 Ghouls. Goblins. Witches.
9545 	 Avoidable candy. And way
9546 	 avoidable children in costumes.
9547 	 Kind of fun to jump out and scream
9548 	 
9549 	 boo
9550 	 at the little brats. Then
9551 	 they
9552 	 
9553 	 
9554 	 avoid
9555 	 you.
9556 	 Woo-hoo.
9557 	 
9558 	 **
9559 	 Not only is it All Hallows Eve, but it's also Friday. The perfect
9560 	 excuse to party hearty. All I have to do is decide who to party with.
9561 	 Tricks? Treats? Ty? Mick?
9562 	 A little (a lot?) of both?
9563 	 (I don't think it's the right night f or Lawler, but never say never.)
9564 	 **
9565 	 Daddy won't try to stop me. He
9566 	 knows who he wants to party
9567 	 with. Well, maybe. I could have
9568 	 read the whole Hannah thing wrong,
9569 	 I guess. But if he was flirting and Hannah
9570 	 
9571 	 didn't go for it, he's a bomb with a very short fuse.
9572 	 Tick. Tick.
9573 	 
9574 	 
9575 	 **
9576 	 
9577 	 319
9578 	 
9579 	 
9580 	 
9581 	 Daddy and Hannah
9582 	 
9583 	 As I scrub away Kaeleigh's
9584 	 disgustingness, I can't help
9585 	 thinking about them. Truth is, the idea makes me crazy.
9586 	 **
9587 	 (Crazy jealous.)
9588 	 **
9589 	 Am I jealous? I guess I must be, because right now, all I can see
9590 	 (besides orange puke) are still
9591 	 shots of Daddy and Hannah.
9592 	 **
9593 	 (Doing the dirty.)
9594 	 **
9595 	 Shot one: missionary, Daddy on top.
9596 	 Shot two: doggie-style, Daddy on top.
9597 	 Shot three: can't even say it, let alone
9598 	 dwell on the picture, but Daddy's on top.
9599 	 **
9600 	 (Always on top.)
9601 	 320
9602 	 
9603 	 
9604 	 
9605 	 Being
9606 	 
9607 	 [the words below, above the asterisks, in the book are arranged in the shape of the letters o and n
9608 	 On top means
9609 	 never saying you're sorry, not for any damn thing you
9610 	 ever say or do. Daddy
9611 	 has got to be the king of on top, with Mom a very close runner-up. Hm.
9612 	 Wonder who was on
9613 	 **
9614 	 T O P
9615 	 **
9616 	 when they did have sex.
9617 	 321
9618 	 
9619 	 
9620 	 
9621 	 Sex, Sex, Sex
9622 	 
9623 	 I have really got to stop thinking about it so damn much, you know?
9624 	 Daddy and Hannah; Daddy and Mom;
9625 	 **
9626 	 Daddy and Kaeleigh; Daddy and whoever;
9627 	 Mom and Daddy,- Mom and whoever;
9628 	 Lawler and whoever; Mick and whoever; Ty...
9629 	 ***
9630 	 Sex, sex, sex. I have really got to stop
9631 	 wanting to have it, and more and more of it.
9632 	 Clumsy sex (Mick); choreographed sex
9633 	 ***
9634 	 (Ty); imagined sex (Lawler, assorted others).
9635 	 I've even half thought about experimenting with a girl or two. Variety is the spice of life.
9636 	 **
9637 	 Sex, sex, sex. And what goes with that?
9638 	 Drugs, more drugs, and alcohol, of course.
9639 	 I'm a living, walking, waking party on
9640 	 **
9641 	 two unsteady legs. (Not to mention a shaky
9642 	 brain.) Tonight is Halloween, a night to walk on the dark side. Can't wait to hit the road.
9643 	 322
9644 	 
9645 	 
9646 	 
9647 	 First, I Have to Get Through the Day
9648 	 
9649 	 And that starts with getting
9650 	 out the door. Standing between me and that goal is a red-eyed Daddy.
9651 	 **
9652 	 
9653 	 Apparently you forgot to tell
9654 	 
9655 	 
9656 	 me something important.
9657 	 
9658 	 
9659 	 **
9660 	 
9661 	 Quick. Think. "Uh. Something
9662 	 important? Like what?" I mentally
9663 	 run down a long list of possibilities:
9664 	 He saw the bathroom?
9665 	 He saw me with Brittany?
9666 	 He saw me see him with Hannah?
9667 	 He missed a few "borrowed" pills?
9668 	 One of his spies saw me with Lawler, or told him about Mick, the pot, and the cop?
9669 	 **
9670 	 
9671 	 You know, the phone call? Listen...
9672 	 
9673 	 
9674 	 **
9675 	 
9676 	 He advances, menacing, and now
9677 	 I'm thinking about phone calls.
9678 	 Is he talking about the hang-ups, or--oh, shit--the call from his father?
9679 	 He never mentioned it, so I assumed he never found out about it.
9680 	 **
9681 	 
9682 	 If you can't pass on a simple
9683 	 
9684 	 
9685 	 answering machine message,
9686 	 don't play them back, understand!
9687 	 
9688 	 323
9689 	 
9690 	 
9691 	 
9692 	 I Decide to Act Ignorant
9693 	 
9694 	 And. you know, for the most part
9695 	 I am. I have no clue what he's
9696 	 **
9697 	 talking about. "Uh...I'm sorry, but I'm not sure what you mean."
9698 	 **
9699 	 
9700 	 Your mother called yesterday,
9701 	 and left a rather lengthy message....
9702 	 
9703 	 
9704 	 **
9705 	 
9706 	 News to me. "Sorry, Daddy.
9707 	 I didn't check the machine.
9708 	 **
9709 	 
9710 	 Really. And here I thought you'd
9711 	 
9712 	 
9713 	 made it your mission....
9714 	 
9715 	 
9716 	 **
9717 	 
9718 	 What the hell does that mean?
9719 	 Maybe he knows more than
9720 	 **
9721 	 he's saying too. I apologize again.
9722 	 "Sorry. I usually do, but I was
9723 	 **
9724 	 all excited about writing my term
9725 	 paper." No need to mention why.
9726 	 **
9727 	 
9728 	 His eyes say, yeah right, but his lips say,
9729 	 Ahem. Okay. well, your
9730 	 
9731 	 
9732 	 **
9733 	 
9734 	 
9735 	 mother is coming home to watch
9736 	 the election returns and expects
9737 	 
9738 	 324
9739 	 
9740 	 to host a large party here. It's
9741 	 a big deal, as you can imagine.
9742 	 
9743 	 
9744 	 **
9745 	 
9746 	 
9747 	 and you'll have to help me pull it
9748 	 together. We've only got a few days.
9749 	 
9750 	 
9751 	 **
9752 	 
9753 	 
9754 	 And with Manuela unavailable.
9755 	 
9756 	 
9757 	 I'm not sure what to do.
9758 	 
9759 	 
9760 	 **
9761 	 
9762 	 A devious thought crosses my
9763 	 mind. Do I dare? Oh, why not?
9764 	 **
9765 	 "Maybe Hannah from down the street would help out."
9766 	 **
9767 	 
9768 	 H-Hannah?
9769 	 he sputters, eyes filling with uncertainty.
9770 	 Why Hannah?
9771 	 
9772 	 
9773 	 **
9774 	 
9775 	 How much do I know, Daddy? Not as much as I've guessed, but enough.
9776 	 **
9777 	 But I don't say that. Instead
9778 	 I shrug. "She's always seemed
9779 	 **
9780 	 pretty friendly, and she looks like she knows how to party."
9781 	 325
9782 	 
9783 	 
9784 	 
9785 	 He Has No Idea
9786 	 
9787 	 What I mean, or what to say.
9788 	 His jaw drops, spittle pooling in the corners of his mouth.
9789 	 **
9790 	 His eyes blink like some annoying
9791 	 spore has found its ocular target.
9792 	 Tears puddle, reflect something
9793 	 **
9794 	 like rising denial. No worries,
9795 	 Pop, I won't tell, as long as you
9796 	 be nice to me. (Pretty please be nice.)
9797 	 **
9798 	 One thing for sure, his reaction, silent as it might be, makes me
9799 	 know my instincts were right.
9800 	 **
9801 	 Somehow, some way, that hurts
9802 	 more than it should. After all, he's not married to me. Still, why
9803 	 **
9804 	 not twist the knife a little deeper?
9805 	 Kind of fun to make him squirm.
9806 	 "Do you want me to talk to Hannah?
9807 	 **
9808 	 I don't mind. Unless you'd rather
9809 	 do it yourself?" I ask, all innocent
9810 	 eyed. "I'll help too, of course."
9811 	 326
9812 	 
9813 	 Finally Daddy snaps out of his trance.
9814 	 That's okay. I'll talk
9815 	 to her. Good idea. She'll be great.
9816 	 
9817 	 
9818 	 **
9819 	 
9820 	 He stands, hands on his hips, looking a lot like Wyatt Earp, facing down bad guys at the OK Corral.
9821 	 **
9822 	 Guess what that makes me.
9823 	 Better holster my six-shooter.
9824 	 I'll break out the shotgun later.
9825 	 327
9826 	 
9827 	 
9828 	 
9829 	 School Totally Drags
9830 	 
9831 	 Tricks and treats are put on hold in favor of tests and ineffectual lectures.
9832 	 Teachers can be so heartless.
9833 	 **
9834 	 At lunch, I'm still deciding who to get witchy with. I'm
9835 	 wandering, foodless, when
9836 	 I hear someone call my name.
9837 	 **
9838 	 
9839 	 Ms. Gardella? One minute!
9840 	 
9841 	 
9842 	 Would you please honor
9843 	 
9844 	 
9845 	 me with your presence?
9846 	 
9847 	 Lawler, sounding all teacher.
9848 	 **
9849 	 So why does a little chill
9850 	 shimmy all up and down my spine? I'll honor him with more than my presence.
9851 	 **
9852 	 I turn toward his classroom, extremely happy that I shaved
9853 	 my legs and wore a very, very short skirt today.
9854 	 328
9855 	 
9856 	 
9857 	 
9858 	 Lawler Definitely Notices
9859 	 
9860 	 Not only that, but he doesn't
9861 	 hide the fact that he's noticing.
9862 	 His eyes fall to the source of my
9863 	 swishing stockings, stay there until he closes the door behind me.
9864 	 **
9865 	 
9866 	 How's the paper coming?
9867 	 
9868 	 
9869 	 Hope I was able to help.
9870 	 
9871 	 
9872 	 **
9873 	 
9874 	 I turn and he's very close behind me. In fact, we're just about nose to nose, I smile my
9875 	 most vampish smile. "You've
9876 	 helped me more than you know."
9877 	 **
9878 	 His turn to smile, revealing
9879 	 
9880 	 perfect white teeth.
9881 	 How so?
9882 	 
9883 	 
9884 	 **
9885 	 
9886 	 God, he smells good. I so want to get lost in him. "You
9887 	 treat me with respect. Not
9888 	 many teachers do that for their students. Power trips, I guess."
9889 	 **
9890 	 
9891 	 You deserve my respect.
9892 	 
9893 	 
9894 	 Not many students do.
9895 	 
9896 	 329
9897 	 I must be totally schizoid. As
9898 	 much as I like having his respect,
9899 	 I wonder what it would take to earn his disrespect. My eyes tell
9900 	 him that. My lips say, "Thank you."
9901 	 **
9902 	 
9903 	 Welcome. So I was wondering
9904 	 
9905 	 
9906 	 if you have plans for tonight.
9907 	 
9908 	 
9909 	 **
9910 	 
9911 	 Plans? Holy shit! Stay cool,
9912 	 Raeanne. Leave the drool
9913 	 where it belongs--inside your
9914 	 mouth. But wait. Do I have
9915 	 plans? Answer: "Not really."
9916 	 **
9917 	 
9918 	 I realize it's Halloween
9919 	 and you might be busy.
9920 	 
9921 	 
9922 	 **
9923 	 
9924 	 "No!" Easy now. Don't want to look like you're undateable or something. "I mean I really
9925 	 haven't got anything definite
9926 	 planned." Breathe in. Breathe out.
9927 	 **
9928 	 
9929 	 I
9930 	 was hoping you might be able
9931 	 to come over to my place and..
9932 	 
9933 	 330
9934 	 
9935 	 
9936 	 
9937 	 Yes, Yes, and...?
9938 	 
9939 	 Okay, I know he doesn't dare
9940 	 say what I want him to, but what he does say surprises me.
9941 	 **
9942 	 
9943 	 ...
9944 	 answer my door for an hour
9945 	 or so. I have an appointment
9946 	 
9947 	 
9948 	 **
9949 	 
9950 	 
9951 	 and don't want to leave the house
9952 	 
9953 	 
9954 	 empty with all the little tricksters
9955 	 
9956 	 
9957 	 running around. I know it's late
9958 	 
9959 	 
9960 	 **
9961 	 
9962 	 
9963 	 notice, an imposition, but you were
9964 	 the first person who came to mind.
9965 	 
9966 	 
9967 	 **
9968 	 
9969 	 A deep breath brings several
9970 	 positives to mind. One: I'll
9971 	 have my foot, quite literally,
9972 	 **
9973 	 in his door. Two: He probably
9974 	 doesn't have a girlfriend, unless
9975 	 **
9976 	 she happens to be his appointment.
9977 	 Three: what might happen after he gets back from his appointment.
9978 	 **
9979 	 Four: I was on his mind.
9980 	 What can I do but agree?
9981 	 331
9982 	 
9983 	 
9984 	 
9985 	 He Gives Me Directions
9986 	 
9987 	 
9988 	 To his house, which isn't far from mine.
9989 	 Need a ride?
9990 	 
9991 	 
9992 	 **
9993 	 
9994 	 A ride would be nice, considering it is chilly
9995 	 **
9996 	 outside, but I don't think
9997 	 I should chance it. Oh yeah,
9998 	 **
9999 	 just think about explaining
10000 	 that one to dear old Dad.
10001 	 **
10002 	 I shake my head. "Maybe a ride home. What time
10003 	 **
10004 	 do you want me?" I am queen of double entendre.
10005 	 **
10006 	 Lawler shows his dimples.
10007 	 
10008 	 My haircut is at six.
10009 	 
10010 	 
10011 	 **
10012 	 
10013 	 
10014 	 Can you get there around
10015 	 quarter to? I should only
10016 	 
10017 	 
10018 	 **
10019 	 
10020 	 
10021 	 be gone a little over an hour,
10022 	 so you won't be tied up all night.
10023 	 
10024 	 
10025 	 **
10026 	 
10027 	 Okay, vamp, ramp it up.
10028 	 "How about half the night?"
10029 	 332
10030 	 
10031 	 
10032 	 
10033 	 The Rest of the Day
10034 	 
10035 	 Crawls along even slower than the first half did. Lawler
10036 	 got my "tied up" joke and even
10037 	 gifted me with an easygoing
10038 	 laugh.
10039 	 I'm pretty sure he's got more than an abbreviated house-sitting
10040 	 job in mind. Wonder if he wants
10041 	 what I do--to wrap ourselves up in each other, make love until we
10042 	 cry with pleasure. Pain. Both. More.
10043 	 But to go there, I need to catch a buzz, which presents a problem.
10044 	 It's
10045 	 one thing to ask Mick for bud, then "reward" him after. But to get my head, then ask him to drop
10046 	 me at Lawler's? He would not
10047 	 appreciate that at all.
10048 	 Eek! Have I backed myself into a corner? No Mick, no bud.
10049 	 No Ty, no better buzz, and he's
10050 	 much more difficult to manipulate.
10051 	 Dopeless sex? That could not feel
10052 	 good.
10053 	 Could it?
10054 	 333
10055 	 
10056 	 
10057 	 
10058 	 
10059 	 
10060 	 Kaeleigh
10061 	 
10062 	 
10063 	 
10064 	 
10065 	 The Bus Seems Slower
10066 	 
10067 	 Than usual today, and that's
10068 	 okay by me. Sitting here, listening to everyone joke and laugh about being too old for trick-
10069 	 or-treating but doing it anyway, because hey, it's free candy.
10070 	 Okay, it's lame, but not as lame as going home to cry because Ian is going out of town
10071 	 this weekend, at a family reunion.
10072 	 No treats for me. Looks like it's
10073 	 going to be tricks, starting with Hannah, who's knee-deep in conversation with Daddy when
10074 	 I finally get home. The topic
10075 	 seems to be caterers, and it's
10076 	 all
10077 	 I can do to be courteous as I pass.
10078 	 I mean, if she sat any closer, she'd
10079 	 be in Daddy's lap. And it is Mom's
10080 	 kitchen. Even if Mom's never in it.
10081 	 One thing I know. Nothing
10082 	 good
10083 	 can come of this "friendship."
10084 	 334
10085 	 
10086 	 
10087 	 
10088 	 But Daddy's Attention
10089 	 
10090 	 Is drawn to the petite blonde, and so away from me. Yay.
10091 	 **
10092 	 I do have to go to work, but only for a couple of hours, setting
10093 	 **
10094 	 up the codgers' Halloween bash.
10095 	 Did I just think "codgers"? Where
10096 	 **
10097 	 in hell did that word come
10098 	 from? Some deep, dark, mean
10099 	 **
10100 	 recess of my brain? Some long-
10101 	 forgotten conversation? Some
10102 	 **
10103 	 past-life dictionary? Sheesh. Just
10104 	 think if I didn't like those people!
10105 	 **
10106 	 Anyway, it will be easy enough to get out the door, not that it isn't
10107 	 **
10108 	 usually, but usually Daddy isn't
10109 	 even home yet. What's so special
10110 	 **
10111 	 about today? Planning Mom's
10112 	 party? The simple chance to get
10113 	 **
10114 	 together with Hannah? Oops.
10115 	 Answered my own question.
10116 	 335
10117 	 
10118 	 
10119 	 
10120 	 I Slip Off My Shoes
10121 	 
10122 	 Slide down the hall in my stocking
10123 	 feet, evoking a memory of Raeanne and me when we were little, playing
10124 	 champion ice-skaters. Wow. I don't
10125 	 go there often anymore. Most of my
10126 	 childhood memories bloat with pain.
10127 	 **
10128 	 Laughter trickles from the kitchen, the exact same way it used to, except it is not Mom laughing with
10129 	 Daddy. It's her...what? Fill-in?
10130 	 Replacement? Divorce would
10131 	 probably be a better choice.
10132 	 **
10133 	 But considering the reputation
10134 	 factor, divorce will never happen.
10135 	 Ah. See? Happy memory dashed against the rocks of reality. I can't
10136 	 deal with it in my normal way.
10137 	 Daddy and Hannah have control
10138 	 **
10139 	 of the kitchen. No stuffing myself until there's no room left inside for hurt. Aching from just behind my eyes to the pit of my too-empty
10140 	 belly, I go into my bedroom, sit on the floor, pick open a scab or two.
10141 	 336
10142 	 
10143 	 
10144 	 
10145 	 I'm Kind of Liking
10146 	 
10147 	 This blood
10148 	 **
10149 	 thing. Fetish?
10150 	 **
10151 	 Fixation? Not
10152 	 **
10153 	 quite an
10154 	 **
10155 	 obsession
10156 	 **
10157 	 yet, but I
10158 	 **
10159 	 can see it
10160 	 **
10161 	 growing
10162 	 **
10163 	 into that.
10164 	 **
10165 	 Drip. Drip.
10166 	 **
10167 	 Steady. Slow.
10168 	 **
10169 	 Drip-drip.
10170 	 **
10171 	 Quicker yet.
10172 	 **
10173 	 Drip-drip-drip.
10174 	 **
10175 	 Drip-drip-drip.
10176 	 **
10177 	 Drip.
10178 	 **
10179 	 Drip
10180 	 **
10181 	 Drip
10182 	 337
10183 	 
10184 	 
10185 	 
10186 	 I'd Probably Just
10187 	 
10188 	 Let myself drip, but I did promise to show up at work and help out with the Halloween decorations.
10189 	 **
10190 	 I'm rummaging through the medicine
10191 	 cabinet for a couple of Band-Aids
10192 	 when the telephone rings.
10193 	 **
10194 	 
10195 	 Will you get that, please?
10196 	 calls
10197 	 
10198 	 
10199 	 Daddy.
10200 	 If it's for me, tell them
10201 	 
10202 	 
10203 	 I'll call back in a few minutes.
10204 	 
10205 	 
10206 	 **
10207 	 
10208 	 The nearest phone is in the hall.
10209 	 I rush to reach it before the fifth
10210 	 ring feeds it to the machine. "Hello?"
10211 	 **
10212 	 No response, but a sharp rustle on the far end, like someone
10213 	 has dropped a stack of papers.
10214 	 **
10215 	 I wait, but no voice follows, so I repeat, "Hello? Is anyone
10216 	 there?" Still no answer.
10217 	 **
10218 	 Bad connection? Prank call?
10219 	 Either way, I've got to go. "Sorry.
10220 	 I'm late for work. Try back later."
10221 	 338
10222 	 
10223 	 
10224 	 
10225 	 Why Am I Always So Polite?
10226 	 
10227 	 I mean, that was just so annoying.
10228 	 No wonder Daddy
10229 	 gets mad about these recent
10230 	 hang-up calls.
10231 	 Is that what this was? I'm not sure.
10232 	 I was the one who did the hanging up, after all.
10233 	 **
10234 	 
10235 	 Who was it?
10236 	 calls Daddy as I start toward the door.
10237 	 
10238 	 "Wrong number," I answer. No
10239 	 use letting Hannah
10240 	 see his dark underside, is there?
10241 	 Okay, maybe there
10242 	 is, but I'll save that card for later.
10243 	 **
10244 	 I pop my head through the kitchen
10245 	 doorway. "Bye.
10246 	 I'm going to work." Hannah looks up and gives a small wave. Daddy does not
10247 	 
10248 	 even turn.
10249 	 Don't
10250 	 
10251 	 
10252 	 stay out late. I'll wait up for you.
10253 	 
10254 	 339
10255 	 
10256 	 
10257 	 
10258 	 His Words
10259 	 
10260 	 Send ice chips pulsing through my veins. No,
10261 	 Daddy, don't wait up, unless you wait at Hannah's.
10262 	 **
10263 	 And suddenly it comes to me that not only is he already home, but he has
10264 	 not yet started drinking.
10265 	 **
10266 	 No Turkey stink; no
10267 	 indistinct sentences; no red-rimmed, tear-
10268 	 choked eyes. Unreal.
10269 	 **
10270 	 I can't remember the last time I saw him
10271 	 look so human. But
10272 	 how long can it last?
10273 	 340
10274 	 
10275 	 
10276 	 
10277 	 My Hand Is Turning
10278 	 
10279 	 The doorknob when the phone
10280 	 rings again. I hesitate, know
10281 	 I should ignore it. But somehow
10282 	 I have to find out who's on the other
10283 	 end. Work will wait. "I've got it!"
10284 	 **
10285 	 
10286 	 Caller ID says only
10287 	 Private Name,
10288 	 
10289 	 
10290 	 Private Number.
10291 	 It's weird, but my hand twitches as I reach for the receiver. "Hello?"
10292 	 
10293 	 **
10294 	 
10295 	 Who is this?
10296 	 
10297 	 **
10298 	 Odd way to open a dialogue.
10299 	 "Uh, this is Kaeleigh. Who's
10300 	 this?" A long stretch of silence
10301 	 follows and I repeat, "Hello?"
10302 	 **
10303 	 
10304 	 Kaeleigh?
10305 	 
10306 	 
10307 	 **
10308 	 
10309 	 OMG. Is the woman dense?
10310 	 But her voice, soft and scratchy as an old vinyl record, tugs at a place inside of me. "Yes, it's Kaeleigh. And you are...?"
10311 	 **
10312 	 
10313 	 Your grandmother.
10314 	 
10315 	 341
10316 	 
10317 	 
10318 	 
10319 	 Not Grandma Betty
10320 	 
10321 	 Calling from Florida, no, she's busy with her new
10322 	 (relatively speaking--
10323 	 I think he's like eighty)
10324 	 husband. Yech. Ugly
10325 	 picture. Anyway, I know her voice, and this isn't it.
10326 	 **
10327 	 Instinctively, I lower my
10328 	 own voice. "You mean my
10329 	 father's mother?" The one who vanished so long ago?
10330 	 The one who...who what?
10331 	 **
10332 	 
10333 	 That's right. I know
10334 	 
10335 	 
10336 	 it's been a very long time...
10337 	 
10338 	 **
10339 	 "Kind of an understatement, wouldn't you say? Where
10340 	 have you been?" Where did
10341 	 you go? Why did you stay
10342 	 away so long? "And why are you calling now?"
10343 	 **
10344 	 
10345 	 It's a difficult story, one
10346 	 
10347 	 
10348 	 I need to tell you, but not
10349 	 on the telephone. I'm...
10350 	 
10351 	 342
10352 	 
10353 	 
10354 	 
10355 	 A Shadow Falls
10356 	 
10357 	 
10358 	 Through the doorway, darkens the entire hall. Daddy.
10359 	 Who is it?
10360 	 
10361 	 
10362 	 **
10363 	 
10364 	 Can't tell him! Into the phone,
10365 	 "Hang on." To Daddy, "It's Shelby, asking about tonight."
10366 	 **
10367 	 
10368 	 Tonight? What about tonight?
10369 	 
10370 	 Daddy's eyes betray suspicion.
10371 	 **
10372 	 Think of something quick. "Uh, it is Halloween. A few of the kids are getting together...."
10373 	 **
10374 	 
10375 	 You mean like a party? You know
10376 	 
10377 	 
10378 	 how I feel about underage parties.
10379 	 
10380 	 
10381 	 **
10382 	 
10383 	 He'll never go for a party, not
10384 	 even chaperoned. "No, no party.
10385 	 To take the little kids trick-or-treating."
10386 	 **
10387 	 He thinks a second, then says,
10388 	 
10389 	 I
10390 	 guess that's okay But not late.
10391 	 
10392 	 **
10393 	 He stands there, head cocked, waiting for me to respond. "My
10394 	 dad says okay. We'll talk later."
10395 	 343
10396 	 
10397 	 I Don't Want to Hang Up
10398 	 
10399 	 But I have to.
10400 	 Will she understand?
10401 	 
10402 	 She seems to.
10403 	 Okay.
10404 	 
10405 	 
10406 	 **
10407 	 
10408 	 But she's not
10409 	 
10410 	 quite ready to hang up either.
10411 	 One question.
10412 	 
10413 	 
10414 	 **
10415 	 
10416 	 Daddy has retreated to the kitchen, but he'll
10417 	 notice if I keep talking.
10418 	 **
10419 	 I force my voice real
10420 	 low. "One quick one."
10421 	 
10422 	 Are you all right?
10423 	 
10424 	 
10425 	 **
10426 	 
10427 	 What does she know?
10428 	 How can I answer?
10429 	 "Yes...no...gotta go."
10430 	 344
10431 	 
10432 	 
10433 	 
10434 	 I'm Running Really Late
10435 	 
10436 	 So I do something I never do.
10437 	 "Daddy, I hate to ask you, but I'm kind of late for work.
10438 	 Could you possibly give me a ride?"
10439 	 **
10440 	 Then I top off the lie, "Shelby's
10441 	 mom will pick me up after and bring me home later."
10442 	 I'll get home one way or another.
10443 	 **
10444 	 Daddy scowls and Hannah
10445 	 
10446 	 reacts.
10447 	 I'll give you a ride.
10448 	 
10449 	 
10450 	 That way we can talk
10451 	 about your mom'
10452 	 s
10453 	 reception.
10454 	 
10455 	 I don't want to talk to Hannah.
10456 	 I don't want her to give me a ride.
10457 	 
10458 	 But Daddy seals the deal.
10459 	 Great
10460 	 
10461 	 
10462 	 idea. And I'll start making calls.
10463 	 
10464 	 
10465 	 **
10466 	 
10467 	 Damn, damn, damn. I hate
10468 	 when I'm left without a choice.
10469 	 But that's the situation now.
10470 	 I follow Hannah out the door,
10471 	 **
10472 	 and down the block to her Mitsubishi
10473 	 Mirage. Red, of course. Black leather
10474 	 interior. And still a mediocre ride.
10475 	 Mediocre. Just right for her.
10476 	 345
10477 	 Thank God it's only several blocks.
10478 	 Hannah yammers on and on about food and how much champagne
10479 	 we should order and
10480 	 **
10481 	 
10482 	 Can you help me out with
10483 	 a guest list? I have no idea
10484 	 who your mother's friends
10485 	 
10486 	 
10487 	 are. I assume she'll invite
10488 	 
10489 	 
10490 	 **
10491 	 
10492 	 
10493 	 her business acquaintances.
10494 	 
10495 	 
10496 	 Oh. and what about the press?
10497 	 
10498 	 
10499 	 Should I contact them? Oh, no,
10500 	 your father will probably want to.
10501 	 
10502 	 
10503 	 **
10504 	 
10505 	 And on and on some more.
10506 	 And I can't concentrate on one-tenth of what she says because the only thing I can
10507 	 **
10508 	 think about right now is my
10509 	 grandmother. A stranger, but somehow not. Her voice is a memory, tucked away so deep
10510 	 **
10511 	 inside that trying to extricate it makes my head pound.
10512 	 And it feels like once I pry it up, a crater will be left behind.
10513 	 346
10514 	 
10515 	 
10516 	 
10517 	 I Thank Hannah for the Ride
10518 	 
10519 	 Go on inside. Preparations are well underway, and an excited buzz carries along the corridors. Sheesh. You'd
10520 	 think the old folks would leave
10521 	 Halloween to the little kids, but no. Any excuse to get out of their rooms and party, huh?
10522 	 **
10523 	 So, okay, that isn't so strange after all. I head straight for the dining room to see how the decorations are coming
10524 	 along. I am not surprised to see William flanked by five elderly femme fatales, hanging cardboard skeletons.
10525 	 **
10526 	 What snatches my immediate
10527 	 attention is Greta, hand in hand with the same gentleman who visited a few weeks ago. They
10528 	 look like a definite thing.
10529 	 **
10530 	 When she spies me, Greta
10531 	 
10532 	 waves me over.
10533 	 Kaeleigh,
10534 	 dear, I want you to meet
10535 	 
10536 	 
10537 	 Lars. We are old friends.
10538 	 
10539 	 347
10540 	 
10541 	 Speak for yourself, woman,
10542 	 scolds Lars in a heavy Danish
10543 	 
10544 	 
10545 	 accent.
10546 	 I
10547 	 myself am forever young,
10548 	 especially now that I've found you
10549 	 
10550 	 
10551 	 again.
10552 	 He turns his attention to me.
10553 	 
10554 	 
10555 	 So happy to meet you. Greta
10556 	 
10557 	 
10558 	 has told me so much about you.
10559 	 
10560 	 
10561 	 **
10562 	 
10563 	 No wonder she loves him.
10564 	 He loves her, and that little
10565 	 bit of wisdom comes from more than his words. It's
10566 	 written all over his face.
10567 	 "Good to meet you, too.
10568 	 And I think you're both
10569 	 forever young."
10570 	 **
10571 	 
10572 	 Greta beams but says,
10573 	 In our
10574 	 
10575 	 
10576 	 hearts, perhaps. But my body
10577 	 
10578 	 
10579 	 reminds me regularly of just
10580 	 
10581 	 
10582 	 how many years I have worn it.
10583 	 
10584 	 
10585 	 No matter. My Lars has found me.
10586 	 
10587 	 
10588 	 I can leave this world satisfied.
10589 	 
10590 	 348
10591 	 
10592 	 
10593 	 
10594 	 Satisfaction
10595 	 
10596 	 Not sure what that is or how to find it, and I sincerely doubt
10597 	 that it will ever apply to me.
10598 	 I look at them, so in love, and I
10599 	 think about Ian. Where is he right
10600 	 now? Who is he talking to?
10601 	 What is he talking about?
10602 	 Why should I even
10603 	 care, as long as every now and again he thinks about me, pulls me from a place
10604 	 deep in his heart? Does he wonder
10605 	 what I'm doing? Does he care
10606 	 that I've hung paper pumpkins, lit jack-o'-lanterns, baked cookies?
10607 	 I want to call him, tell him I
10608 	 love
10609 	 him. But no, I won't do
10610 	 that, won't set myself up for disappointment. If
10611 	 he's changed his mind, I
10612 	 don't
10613 	 want to know. Anyway,
10614 	 I've got to go. I say good-bye, hurry away from the All Hallows
10615 	 Eve celebration, into the night, close the door behind me.
10616 	 349
10617 	 
10618 	 
10619 	 
10620 	 
10621 	 
10622 	 Raeanne
10623 	 
10624 	 
10625 	 
10626 	 
10627 	 Lawler's House
10628 	 
10629 	 Isn't at all what I expected.
10630 	 It's not small, not really. And
10631 	 it's definitely not untidy. I
10632 	 think
10633 	 I watch too much TV. Aren't
10634 	 all single guys supposed to be
10635 	 slobs? Not Lawler. No, not at all. His yard is tended with care and I doubt he makes enough
10636 	 money to afford a service.
10637 	 His Charger, parked on the street, is washed, polished. Spotless. I
10638 	 wonder
10639 	 if dirt and bug guts just slide
10640 	 right off it. I wonder if lowdown
10641 	 slides right off him, or if he worries about it. I would
10642 	 love to know if he's even a little
10643 	 worried about inviting me
10644 	 here, about what the neighbors
10645 	 might think. Personally, I
10646 	 don't
10647 	 give one good damn about gossip. So I walk right up, ring the bell, head on inside, close the door behind me.
10648 	 350
10649 	 
10650 	 
10651 	 
10652 	 He's Gone for Over an Hour
10653 	 
10654 	 Between doorbell rings and candy grabs, I roam
10655 	 room to room, sitting in chairs, straightening photos, opening
10656 	 drawers and touching their contents, trying to absorb Lawler by osmosis.
10657 	 **
10658 	 The last room I enter is his bedroom. Like everything
10659 	 else, it is tidy. Spare. Few
10660 	 embellishments but the wandering
10661 	 star quilt, in sapphire and rose, and matching throw pillows.
10662 	 **
10663 	 I flop onto the bed, settle into the hand-sewn luxury.
10664 	 Who gave him such a personal
10665 	 gift? Mother? Grandmother?
10666 	 No, this feels like the remnant of a lover. Resentment swells and I bury my head in his pillow, seek his familiar leather scent, breathe it in. In. In. Smother
10667 	 myself in leather perfumed eiderdown.
10668 	 351
10669 	 
10670 	 
10671 	 
10672 	 The Doorbell Interrupts
10673 	 
10674 	 My Lawler-scented reverie.
10675 	 I go to answer, expecting a knee-
10676 	 high Cinderella or Spiderman.
10677 	 **
10678 	 Instead I find a half-dozen
10679 	 people my age. A couple wear
10680 	 masks--a blood-scarred monster,
10681 	 **
10682 	 a long-fanged werewolf, a Dumbo-
10683 	 eared George W. Bush. The rest
10684 	 assume they don't need costumes
10685 	 **
10686 	 to look horrific, and that includes
10687 	 my dearest friend Madison, At the sight of me, her jaw drops.
10688 	 **
10689 	 
10690 	 This isn't where you live, is it?
10691 	 
10692 	 
10693 	 No
10694 	 Hey, how's it going,
10695 	 just
10696 	 
10697 	 demon-eyed inquisition.
10698 	 **
10699 	 Don't suppose there's any use
10700 	 lying or denying. "No, it's not.
10701 	 I'm just answering the door."
10702 	 **
10703 	 
10704 	 I have no idea if she knows who
10705 	 does
10706 	 live here, but I'm not
10707 	 
10708 	 volunteering the information.
10709 	 352
10710 	 As if reading my mind, Madison
10711 	 
10712 	 asks,
10713 	 Well, whose house
10714 	 is
10715 	 it?
10716 	 
10717 	 They all wait for the answer.
10718 	 **
10719 	 The answer I really don't plan to give. But as I try to formulate a reply, Lawler's Charger pulls
10720 	 **
10721 	 against the curb. The jig, as they say, is up. And so, I'm pretty
10722 	 sure, is any notion of hanging
10723 	 **
10724 	 around now that he's home. Anger
10725 	 erupts like Vesuvius. "So do you
10726 	 freaks want candy or what?"
10727 	 **
10728 	 The car door shuts and all attention
10729 	 turns to Lawler, tall and frigging
10730 	 gorgeous beneath his new haircut.
10731 	 **
10732 	 Madison turns back to me, and the smile on her face is not exactly
10733 	 
10734 	 friendly.
10735 	 You've got to be kidding.
10736 	 
10737 	 
10738 	 **
10739 	 
10740 	 
10741 	 Mr. Lawler arrives, all charm.
10742 	 Hey,
10743 	 guys. A little old for trick-or-treat,
10744 	 aren't you? Well, help yourselves.
10745 	 
10746 	 353
10747 	 
10748 	 Wouldn't want you to knock over
10749 	 any little kids for their candy.
10750 	 
10751 	 He smiles and puts handfuls
10752 	 **
10753 	 
10754 	 of the sweet stuff into their pillowcases.
10755 	 Anyway, I don't
10756 	 
10757 	 
10758 	 need junk food lying around
10759 	 
10760 	 
10761 	 **
10762 	 
10763 	 
10764 	 the house. I'll just eat it, you
10765 	 
10766 	 
10767 	 know? Thanks for stopping
10768 	 by See you all on Monday
10769 	 
10770 	 
10771 	 **
10772 	 
10773 	 
10774 	 Dismissed! Then he turns to me.
10775 	 Thanks so much for
10776 	 watching the place. I sure
10777 	 
10778 	 
10779 	 **
10780 	 
10781 	 
10782 	 didn't need any kids playing
10783 	 
10784 	 
10785 	 tricks on me.
10786 	 He takes my arm.
10787 	 
10788 	 
10789 	 Come back inside and I'll pay you.
10790 	 
10791 	 354
10792 	 
10793 	 
10794 	 
10795 	 Seamless
10796 	 
10797 	 And I wouldn't expect
10798 	 anything less. Still, I suspect
10799 	 Madison, et al. are lurking
10800 	 nearby somewhere, waiting to see when and if I leave.
10801 	 No Lawler tonight.
10802 	 **
10803 	 "The haircut looks great."
10804 	 What else can I say?
10805 	 **
10806 	 He stands very close to me, looks down into my eyes.
10807 	 
10808 	 Thanks. I had hoped you
10809 	 
10810 	 
10811 	 could stay for a while, but now...
10812 	 
10813 	 **
10814 	 "I know. It's okay." Oh
10815 	 yeah, real okay. I swear
10816 	 I will strangle Madison
10817 	 one of these days. "Oh, and you don't have to pay
10818 	 me anything. I was happy to help out." Happy to lie on your bed, your pillow.
10819 	 355
10820 	 
10821 	 
10822 	 
10823 	 But Now I Have to Go
10824 	 
10825 	 And we both know it, and we know it has to be sooner rather than later.
10826 	 **
10827 	 
10828 	 Do you need a ride home?
10829 	 
10830 	 
10831 	 **
10832 	 
10833 	 I'd planned on staying out later.
10834 	 Much later. But somehow I don't
10835 	 feel like calling Mick or Ty.
10836 	 **
10837 	 Somehow, going home and fantasizing about Lawler will be more than enough action for one night.
10838 	 **
10839 	 "Okay. If you think it's safe to leave your house empty."
10840 	 **
10841 	 
10842 	 I'll leave the candy on the front porch.
10843 	 
10844 	 
10845 	 **
10846 	 
10847 	 We walk to the car, far apart, but the street appears deserted, except for a few kids well down the block. "Trick-or-treat seems to end earlier and earlier every year."
10848 	 **
10849 	 
10850 	 I think that started with 9/11.
10851 	 
10852 	 356
10853 	 He opens the passenger door, every molecule the gentleman.
10854 	 I'm pretty damn sure no guy
10855 	 
10856 	 has
10857 	 ever
10858 	 done that for me
10859 	 
10860 	 before. "Thank you."
10861 	 **
10862 	 
10863 	 But of course, milady.
10864 	 
10865 	 
10866 	 **
10867 	 
10868 	 I might as well melt right now.
10869 	 Even without Lawler in it yet, the Charger smells like him.
10870 	 I think I could just curl up and die
10871 	 right here in the cushy front seat.
10872 	 I know this relationship can never
10873 	 work out. But, oh, how I want it to.
10874 	 **
10875 	 Lawler gets in, starts the car, drives
10876 	 me home. And although there is so much to say, neither of us dares
10877 	 attempt it. The silence crushes.
10878 	 Finally I chance resting my hand on his thigh. "I find older men
10879 	 very attractive, you know."
10880 	 **
10881 	 
10882 	 He smiles.
10883 	 Older than what?
10884 	 
10885 	 357
10886 	 
10887 	 
10888 	 
10889 	 I Know He Has More to Say
10890 	 
10891 	 I've got plenty more to say too, but I'm afraid if I do I'll jinx
10892 	 myself. Still, home isn't so far and my curiosity is killing
10893 	 me. "So...what do you think?"
10894 	 **
10895 	 
10896 	 About what?
10897 	 
10898 	 
10899 	 **
10900 	 
10901 	 Is he playing coy? He has to know what I'm talking about.
10902 	 This game isn't that complicated.
10903 	 "About us." Okay. Said it.
10904 	 He sucks in a deep breath.
10905 	 **
10906 	 
10907 	 There isn't an "us.
10908 	 "
10909 	 
10910 	 
10911 	 **
10912 	 
10913 	 Now see? Went and jinxed
10914 	 it. Oh, well. What's jinxed is jinxed. Might as well push
10915 	 things right out into the open.
10916 	 "I thought there might be...
10917 	 **
10918 	 could be, anyway. Kind of seemed like things were moving that way." Enough
10919 	 already. Let him talk.
10920 	 358
10921 	 
10922 	 
10923 	 
10924 	 Lawler Pulls Over
10925 	 
10926 	 A couple of blocks from home.
10927 	 I don't move to get out of the car, and he turns to face me.
10928 	 **
10929 	 
10930 	 You are a stunning temptation, not
10931 	 to mention an amazing distraction.
10932 	 
10933 	 
10934 	 You're bright, beautiful, adventurous.
10935 	 
10936 	 **
10937 	 
10938 	 I am totally drawn to you. and if you
10939 	 were eighteen and not my student,
10940 	 
10941 	 
10942 	 I'd go out with you in a hot second...
10943 	 
10944 	 
10945 	 **
10946 	 
10947 	 No! He's brushing me off.
10948 	 I want to yell, but I get the feeling a soft question might work better.
10949 	 **
10950 	 "What if we were really careful?"
10951 	 I can't believe he's about to withdraw from the game.
10952 	 **
10953 	 
10954 	 You saw what happened tonight.
10955 	 
10956 	 
10957 	 I guess that was an eye-opener
10958 	 for me. Ours is a very small school,
10959 	 
10960 	 
10961 	 **
10962 	 
10963 	 
10964 	 in a very small town. Secrets are
10965 	 difficult to keep here, especially
10966 	 
10967 	 
10968 	 this kind of secret. I'm really
10969 	 
10970 	 359
10971 	 
10972 	 sorry that I led you on. There's just
10973 	 
10974 	 
10975 	 something about you. Something...
10976 	 
10977 	 
10978 	 fractured...injured, despite how
10979 	 
10980 	 
10981 	 **
10982 	 
10983 	 
10984 	 together you always appear to be.
10985 	 
10986 	 
10987 	 I wanted to help you. To heal whatever's
10988 	 
10989 	 
10990 	 broken in you. To make you whole.
10991 	 
10992 	 
10993 	 **
10994 	 
10995 	 Whole. No one can do that for me. God, why did he have to go and get so serious?
10996 	 **
10997 	 Game over. I lose. What am
10998 	 I going to do? Throw a tantrum?
10999 	 "Okay. I understand. But if you
11000 	 **
11001 	 ever change your mind, you know
11002 	 where to find me, at least during second block." Side-out.
11003 	 360
11004 	 
11005 	 
11006 	 
11007 	 A Man with Morals
11008 	 
11009 	 Or maybe just a coward.
11010 	 Either way, lucky me,
11011 	 I had to go and fall for him. History will not be
11012 	 nearly as much fun from now on. In fact, I'm not
11013 	 sure how I'll go to class, listen to his lectures, ace his pop quizzes, etc. etc., without staring at his pecs or better yet, his gluteus.
11014 	 Then again, I can still stare, still fantasize, still dream, can't I?
11015 	 361
11016 	 
11017 	 
11018 	 
11019 	 Anyway, Lawler Seems
11020 	 
11021 	 Like the "fall in love, settle
11022 	 down, and have three kids with a picket fence" kinda
11023 	 guy. Definitely not my type.
11024 	 **
11025 	 Not that I'm sure exactly
11026 	 what my type is. Other than cute. Built. I'd like to say intelligent, but that
11027 	 **
11028 	 hasn't always proved the case with some of my selections.
11029 	 Still, if I could build the perfect
11030 	 guy, he'd be smart. Just not
11031 	 **
11032 	 as smart as me. Funny.
11033 	 And, oh yeah, a stoner.
11034 	 Killer combination. Lawler, with connections. Sounds
11035 	 **
11036 	 pretty good to me. Yet even
11037 	 all that can't add up to "happy
11038 	 ever after." Does anyone
11039 	 really believe in such a thing?
11040 	 362
11041 	 
11042 	 
11043 	 
11044 	 Happy Ever After
11045 	 
11046 	 Is a concept I'll never believe
11047 	 in. I would be content to sample
11048 	 some little taste of happiness
11049 	 today, tonight, right now, though
11050 	 I know without a doubt that tomorrow
11051 	 will arrive, saturated with pain.
11052 	 Life is like that. At least
11053 	 my life. And honestly,
11054 	 I can't
11055 	 think of anyone whose life is any different. The price
11056 	 tag for joy is misery. I don't
11057 	 want to go inside, but I can't
11058 	 stay
11059 	 out here on the grass all night.
11060 	 It's crunchy cold. I watch
11061 	 Lawler drive away, wish with all
11062 	 my heart I could keep him
11063 	 here beside me, wrapped around me, blanketing me with security, fragile as that might also be.
11064 	 Oh yes, I would like that
11065 	 very much.
11066 	 But he's gone already, out of sight, a shadow blurred into night, and I will weave dreams no
11067 	 longer.
11068 	 363
11069 	 
11070 	 
11071 	 
11072 	 
11073 	 
11074 	 Kaeleigh
11075 	 
11076 	 
11077 	 
11078 	 
11079 	 Sunday Morning
11080 	 
11081 	 Post-Halloween. The house is silent, fast asleep, but despite the seeming calm,
11082 	 I know in my bones that I'm straddling
11083 	 more than one powder keg, lit torch in hand. Everything
11084 	 wants to blow, although
11085 	 I can't
11086 	 say exactly why I think so, but it definitely has to do with
11087 	 Mom getting home late last night.
11088 	 I guess she plans to stay through Election Day. Depending on the outcome of that, she'll leave for DC right away to find a place, or she'll settle back
11089 	 here
11090 	 indefinitely. Meaning until she finds a new crusade to embark on.
11091 	 Why can't her crusade be me?
11092 	 The polls say the race is still
11093 	 very
11094 	 close. Either way, I feel her slip
11095 	 away. Either way, our lives
11096 	 won't be the same
11097 	 much longer.
11098 	 364
11099 	 
11100 	 
11101 	 
11102 	 Either Way
11103 	 
11104 	 Mom is sleeping in the guest room.
11105 	 Maybe that's truly what she is--a guest in her own home. God, how sad.
11106 	 **
11107 	 For me.
11108 	 **
11109 	 I just want my mommy back.
11110 	 just want to be the little girl she tells
11111 	 stories to, whose hair she brushes
11112 	 
11113 	 **
11114 	 
11115 	 every night
11116 	 **
11117 	 until it shines like polished brass.
11118 	 Why does life have to be so messed up?
11119 	 Why can't it just keep marching in
11120 	 **
11121 	 perfect order?
11122 	 365
11123 	 
11124 	 
11125 	 
11126 	 I Was Supposed
11127 	 
11128 	 To be asleep last night when Mom blew in through the door, an unsubtle wind.
11129 	 **
11130 	 I wanted to run to her, throw my arms around her, snow kisses all over her face.
11131 	 **
11132 	 But something told me to crack open
11133 	 my door, sit beside it in the dark, silent.
11134 	 **
11135 	 To listen, no more than a hint of the child she loved once upon a time, so long ago.
11136 	 **
11137 	 Then, she would never leave me or Raeanne.
11138 	 My sister and I would sit in the dark, like
11139 	 **
11140 	 this, only together. We'd sit very close, listening in to our parents' discussions.
11141 	 **
11142 	 Then, Daddy would often ask to go away with Mom, who refused to leave us
11143 	 **
11144 	 with an au pair. Then, the only person who ever watched us was...was...a face
11145 	 **
11146 	 surfaces in memory. She looked like Daddy, and her breath always smelled like Dewar's.
11147 	 366
11148 	 
11149 	 
11150 	 
11151 	 Oh Yeah, Blast from the Past
11152 	 
11153 	 I sat there last night, shaking, no Raeanne to make the jolt of remembrance better.
11154 	 And it was about to get worse.
11155 	 **
11156 	 
11157 	 Mom greeted Daddy about as expected, with a clipped
11158 	 Good to see you.
11159 	 Next came
11160 	 
11161 	 several minutes of usual campaign banter.
11162 	 **
11163 	 Daddy went on to talk about plans for Tuesday, skipping the Hannah
11164 	 part. I just about fell asleep.
11165 	 **
11166 	 Around the time I decided to go
11167 	 ahead to bed. Mom began,
11168 	 
11169 	 Oh, I spoke with your father....
11170 	 
11171 	 
11172 	 **
11173 	 
11174 	 
11175 	 My father?
11176 	 Daddy's voice was startled.
11177 	 Why in bloody
11178 	 
11179 	 
11180 	 hell would you do that?
11181 	 
11182 	 
11183 	 **
11184 	 
11185 	 Mom's turn for surprise:
11186 	 
11187 	 You don't know?
11188 	 
11189 	 
11190 	 **
11191 	 
11192 	 
11193 	 Daddy:
11194 	 I
11195 	 couldn't hazard a guess.
11196 	 
11197 	 
11198 	 **
11199 	 
11200 	 
11201 	 So you haven't heard from
11202 	 your mother? No demands?
11203 	 
11204 	 Her words sank in slowly.
11205 	 367
11206 	 
11207 	 I could imagine the expression on his face.
11208 	 What in the fuck
11209 	 are you talking about, Kay?
11210 	 
11211 	 
11212 	 **
11213 	 
11214 	 She spoke slowly, as if to a dull-
11215 	 
11216 	 witted child.
11217 	 Your father called
11218 	 to let you know you might expect
11219 	 
11220 	 
11221 	 **
11222 	 
11223 	 
11224 	 to hear from your mother. His take
11225 	 was she wanted money to keep quiet.
11226 	 
11227 	 
11228 	 Quiet about what, Raymond?
11229 	 
11230 	 
11231 	 **
11232 	 
11233 	 
11234 	 I have no idea,
11235 	 answered Daddy, a little too quickly.
11236 	 Frankly, I'd be
11237 	 
11238 	 
11239 	 shocked to hear from her....
11240 	 
11241 	 
11242 	 **
11243 	 
11244 	 So long, with no word. What, exactly, happened between them? Surely
11245 	 something more than just the scene
11246 	 **
11247 	 after the funeral. I shifted my weight and the floorboards groaned.
11248 	 Conversation skidded to an abrupt halt.
11249 	 **
11250 	 
11251 	 Finally, Mom said,
11252 	 We'll finish this
11253 	 
11254 	 
11255 	 later. I'm exhausted anyway. We'll
11256 	 
11257 	 
11258 	 both be clearer tomorrow.
11259 	 Finis.
11260 	 
11261 	 368
11262 	 
11263 	 
11264 	 
11265 	 I Lay Awake
11266 	 
11267 	 Most of the night, pondering
11268 	 mysteries. Where did my father
11269 	 **
11270 	 come from? Who made him, and who made him the way he is?
11271 	 **
11272 	 Who is my grandmother? Where
11273 	 has she been all these years, and what
11274 	 **
11275 	 does she know that Daddy wouldn't
11276 	 want us to know? What happened
11277 	 **
11278 	 between her and Grandpa Gardella?
11279 	 What happened between Daddy
11280 	 **
11281 	 and him? Does Mom know the answers to these questions?
11282 	 **
11283 	 If she does, why hasn't she ever
11284 	 talked about them? If she doesn't,
11285 	 **
11286 	 why doesn't she? Why don't I?
11287 	 Why are there so many mysteries
11288 	 **
11289 	 shrouding our lives? Will I ever
11290 	 know the answers? If so, when?
11291 	 **
11292 	 If not, why?
11293 	 369
11294 	 
11295 	 
11296 	 
11297 	 Not a Good Time
11298 	 
11299 	 For those questions. Of course,
11300 	 I doubt there will ever be a good
11301 	 time for those questions.
11302 	 **
11303 	 Our family puts the "dys" in dysfunctional. And every time
11304 	 I start to think I'm the sanest
11305 	 **
11306 	 in the bunch, I turn around and do something completely
11307 	 insane, like letting myself
11308 	 **
11309 	 fall hard for Ian. He called
11310 	 yesterday, caught me on my
11311 	 
11312 	 cell.
11313 	 Hey, you. What's up?
11314 	 
11315 	 
11316 	 **
11317 	 
11318 	 Just hearing his voice warmed
11319 	 me, from the inside out. "Same
11320 	 ol'. What's up with you?"
11321 	 **
11322 	 
11323 	 Not much. In fact, I'm bored
11324 	 as hell, so I thought I'd call and
11325 	 tell you how much I miss you.
11326 	 
11327 	 
11328 	 **
11329 	 
11330 	 
11331 	 I'll be home Sunday morning.
11332 	 
11333 	 
11334 	 Think you could steal a few
11335 	 
11336 	 
11337 	 minutes with me?
11338 	 
11339 	 370
11340 	 "Maybe after work. We can
11341 	 always try, although my mom is supposed to be home."
11342 	 **
11343 	 
11344 	 Oh, that's right. The election
11345 	 is Tuesday, huh? How's it
11346 	 looking for your mom?
11347 	 
11348 	 **"Okay, I guess. Barring some
11349 	 major revelation, she's got a pretty good shot."
11350 	 **
11351 
11352 	 
11353 	 Major revelation, huh?
11354 	 
11355 	 
11356 	 He laughed.
11357 	 And what
11358 	 are the odds of that?
11359 	 
11360 	 
11361 	 **
11362 	 
11363 	 At the time, I thought
11364 	 they were pretty long.
11365 	 But now I have to wonder.
11366 	 371
11367 	 
11368 	 
11369 	 
11370 	 I Want to Talk to Ian
11371 	 
11372 	 About Mom and Daddy and Raeanne and Grandma Gardella, whose face keeps
11373 	 trying to materialize behind my eyes, and whose
11374 	 motives for appearing now can't be guessed.
11375 	 **
11376 	 But I don't dare talk to him about any of that, because then he'll realize how truly
11377 	 screwed up my family is, and that includes
11378 	 me, and if he knows all that, he'll dump me.
11379 	 **
11380 	 I want to talk to Mom about Daddy and his parents and most of all about Ian, who I
11381 	 think I might really be in love with. I want to talk to her about love and what that means.
11382 	 **
11383 	 But I'm not sure she knows what it means or that she cares in the least that I might
11384 	 have found it. I'm not sure she cares about me at all, and that's what I'm really afraid of.
11385 	 **
11386 	 Afraid, afraid, afraid. I'm always afraid and I'm sick of it and I don't know any
11387 	 other way of dealing with it than to go
11388 	 find food and stuff myself with it. So I do.
11389 	 372
11390 	 
11391 	 
11392 	 
11393 	 And Still No One's Awake
11394 	 
11395 	 So I bundle up against the drear
11396 	 November fog and pedal off to work. I pass a church, starting to fill with early risers, almost
11397 	 think about going inside.
11398 	 **
11399 	 Like what for, Kaeleigh?
11400 	 Forgiveness?
11401 	 You'll burn.
11402 	 Belonging?
11403 	 No one wants you.
11404 	 Enlightenment?
11405 	 Huh? What?
11406 	 Confession?
11407 	 Oh yeah, breakdown.
11408 	 Daddy would kill me.
11409 	 If Mom didn't kill you first.
11410 	 And if I don't stop talking to myself, I'll only prove
11411 	 that I really am crazy.
11412 	 Schizophrenic, maybe.
11413 	 Yeah, Kaeleigh, shut the hell up.
11414 	 373
11415 	 
11416 	 
11417 	 
11418 	 Schizophrenic Me
11419 	 
11420 	 Can barely pay attention to what I'm doing at work, with all the conversation
11421 	 going back and forth in my
11422 	 head. Mental tug-of-war.
11423 	 **
11424 	 Finally I get the breakfast
11425 	 table set. The residents start to trickle in, many dressed up for their own worship to come. Among those women
11426 	 **
11427 	 in cheerful flowered dresses is Greta, no gentleman beside her. She sits and I go over.
11428 	 "No Lars today? And you
11429 	 look so pretty, too!"
11430 	 **
11431 	 
11432 	 Greta sighs.
11433 	 Lars will not
11434 	 
11435 	 
11436 	 come to church with me.
11437 	 
11438 	 
11439 	 He says there is no God.
11440 	 
11441 	 
11442 	 He used to think differently,
11443 	 once long ago. The war...
11444 	 
11445 	 
11446 	 **
11447 	 
11448 	 
11449 	 She's known him
11450 	 that
11451 	 long?
11452 	 
11453 	 "I didn't realize you've known
11454 	 each other since before the war.
11455 	 Is that how you lost each other?"
11456 	 What wedged them apart?
11457 	 374
11458 	 
11459 	 
11460 	 
11461 	 Greta's Tale
11462 	 
11463 	 Comes from a place deep, deep inside. It takes a few
11464 	 minutes to surface.
11465 	 Finally it shudders free.
11466 	 **
11467 	 
11468 	 Lars and I met as small children.
11469 	 
11470 	 
11471 	 We played together in the streets,
11472 	 and by the time the war started,
11473 	 we were in love. Really, we
11474 	 
11475 	 
11476 	 **
11477 	 
11478 	 
11479 	 were still only children. I must
11480 	 
11481 	 
11482 	 have been twelve or thirteen,
11483 	 and Lars was a year older.
11484 	 
11485 	 
11486 	 Our love was pure, and born
11487 	 
11488 	 
11489 	 **
11490 	 
11491 	 
11492 	 of friendship. But when my father
11493 	 
11494 	 
11495 	 found out, he forbade me to see
11496 	 
11497 	 
11498 	 Lars. We met in secret, shared
11499 	 
11500 	 
11501 	 kisses and laughter. Nothing more.
11502 	 
11503 	 
11504 	 **
11505 	 
11506 	 
11507 	 One day my father discovered
11508 	 
11509 	 
11510 	 us together He nearly beat me
11511 	 to death. I feared he would kill
11512 	 
11513 	 
11514 	 Lars, and so it was almost a relief
11515 	 
11516 	 
11517 	 **
11518 	 
11519 	 
11520 	 when Lars put on a uniform
11521 	 and went to fight the Nazis.
11522 	 
11523 	 
11524 	 Almost.
11525 	 Her voice softens, slows.
11526 	 
11527 	 
11528 	 I
11529 	 mean, he was only a boy inside,
11530 	 
11531 	 375
11532 	 although on the outside he looked
11533 	 every bit the handsome soldier.
11534 	 My father tried to stop me from going to say good-bye.
11535 	 **
11536 	 But for once, my mother
11537 	 intervened. "Let her go," she said. "She may never
11538 	 see him again." And I didn't.
11539 	 **
11540 	 Not until a few weeks ago, when he showed up here.
11541 	 More than sixty years have gone by.
11542 	 Sixty years we can
11543 	 **
11544 	 never get back, six decades
11545 	 filled with things we will
11546 	 never speak of. But we accept
11547 	 that, and have promised
11548 	 **
11549 	 to share the few years we have
11550 	 left, create new memories, joyous and loving, that we
11551 	 can take with us when we go.
11552 	 376
11553 	 
11554 	 
11555 	 
11556 	 Love, Resurrected
11557 	 
11558 	 After more than sixty years.
11559 	 Must be that love never died.
11560 	 **
11561 	 And that means it had to have been alive in the first place.
11562 	 **
11563 	 I want to know living love.
11564 	 And I don't want to wait for it.
11565 	 **
11566 	 I go through the motions of this
11567 	 mindless work, mind totally
11568 	 **
11569 	 locked on Ian and possibility.
11570 	 As soon as I finish, I call him.
11571 	 **
11572 	 
11573 	 He's home.
11574 	 Hey. I was hoping
11575 	 
11576 	 
11577 	 I'd hear from you. So...
11578 	 
11579 	 
11580 	 **
11581 	 
11582 	 He doesn't have to ask. "Pick
11583 	 me up. Mom can wait."
11584 	 **
11585 	 It's an impossibly long fifteen
11586 	 minutes. Finally I hear his bike,
11587 	 
11588 	 **
11589 	 
11590 	 and the sound of its approach
11591 	 fills me with happiness. And
11592 	 **
11593 	 something else. Something
11594 	 very much like desire.
11595 	 377
11596 	 
11597 	 
11598 	 
11599 	 And Now I See His Face
11600 	 
11601 	 And the warmth of his smile
11602 	 intensifies the heat
11603 	 wave flowing inside me. But I have to play cool because that's what
11604 	 good girls do and I want to be
11605 	 good for Ian. "Hey. Missed you."
11606 	 **
11607 	 
11608 	 Not as much as I missed you.
11609 	 
11610 	 
11611 	 Come here.
11612 	 And he pulls me into him and now we're kissing and I want to make this amazing
11613 	 
11614 	 sense of belonging last forever.
11615 	 
11616 	 Have I told you lately I love you?
11617 	 
11618 	 
11619 	 **
11620 	 
11621 	 I fold myself up into his arms, close as one body can get to another, except for...I go stiff at the thought.
11622 	 No Kaeleigh, no. That's not what
11623 	 this is. It's okay to be here, plastered
11624 	 right up against this incredible guy.
11625 	 **
11626 	 But the magic has dissipated, the warmth frozen over. Ian can't
11627 	 
11628 	 help but notice.
11629 	 What's wrong?
11630 	 
11631 	 I shake my head, cling tighter.
11632 	 In the past, Ian would have turned
11633 	 
11634 	 away. Today he holds fast.
11635 	 Stay.
11636 	 
11637 	 378
11638 	 
11639 	 
11640 	 
11641 	 Like a Puppy
11642 	 
11643 	 I stay, and for once I stay
11644 	 long enough for the ice dam to melt, warm into an easy
11645 	 flow, burgeoning into a river of need. My pulse picks up speed and I lift my eyes to his, have to look away or I might
11646 	 go blind at the blaze
11647 	 raging
11648 	 there. "Oh God, Ian, I can't
11649 	 believe how much I love you."
11650 	 And he kisses me again, and now
11651 	 I understand how love can come
11652 	 alive inside you, beneath your skin, beneath your flesh and bone, a separate entity, breathing in and out its own special air, expanding to fill all those hollow places
11653 	 that you can't fill by yourself.
11654 	 I want to be good. Don't want to go stiff. But if I don't, this
11655 	 sudden rush of want will become
11656 	 unstoppable.
11657 	 So maybe I'd better stop it now.
11658 	 379
11659 	 
11660 	 
11661 	 
11662 	 
11663 	 
11664 	 Raeanne
11665 	 
11666 	 
11667 	 
11668 	 
11669 	 Home, Bitter Home
11670 	 
11671 	 Mom's home, oh yeah, oh
11672 	 boy. Waiting for her to light into Daddy is like standing beside a river
11673 	 knowing you're going to fall
11674 	 in, no matter what you do.
11675 	 The only real question is when.
11676 	 I didn't used to mind their raging at each other. When I was little,
11677 	 I thought it was better than a deep freeze of silence.
11678 	 Rage meant they were still
11679 	 
11680 	 alive, still feeling
11681 	 something.
11682 	 Now, since I know they're definitely
11683 	 
11684 	 dead inside, I don't want to listen to their ever-
11685 	 expanding
11686 	 list of unfinished rants and just-boiling-to-the-surface raves.
11687 	 (Not talking about the fun kind!)
11688 	 'Cause once the bitch bus
11689 	 starts rolling, it's practically
11690 	 unstoppable.
11691 	 380
11692 	 
11693 	 
11694 	 
11695 	 Topping Today's Rant List
11696 	 
11697 	 Is, of course, my dear grandmama.
11698 	 And guess who's going to get
11699 	 
11700 	 ranted
11701 	 at.
11702 	 Spot on! It's me.
11703 	 
11704 	 **
11705 	 
11706 	 Daddy:
11707 	 Why didn't you bother
11708 	 to tell me about my father's call?
11709 	 
11710 	 
11711 	 **
11712 	 
11713 	 I suppose I could deny knowing about it. But why lie? I shrug.
11714 	 "Guess I forgot. Sorry."
11715 	 **
11716 	 
11717 	 Mom:
11718 	 Sorry? That's the best you can
11719 	 
11720 	 
11721 	 do? Under the circumstances...
11722 	 
11723 	 
11724 	 **
11725 	 
11726 	 Patience was never my forte.
11727 	 "Under what circumstances?
11728 	 I don't even know the man."
11729 	 **
11730 	 
11731 	 Daddy:
11732 	 Beside the point. You couldn't
11733 	 
11734 	 
11735 	 tell the message was important?
11736 	 
11737 	 
11738 	 **
11739 	 
11740 	 "The guy sounded like some sort of nut job. Anyway, why don't I know
11741 	 him?" Way to flip the tables!
11742 	 **
11743 	 
11744 	 Mom:
11745 	 Your father and I have reasons
11746 	 for the things we do or don't allow.
11747 	 
11748 	 381
11749 	 I hate her. She never lets her guard down and always has a ready answer.
11750 	 
11751 	 "So...
11752 	 is
11753 	 he a nut job, then?"
11754 	 
11755 	 **
11756 	 Daddy, trying not to lose it:
11757 	 
11758 	 No, he's not a fucking nut job.
11759 	 
11760 	 
11761 	 **
11762 	 
11763 	 Not doing a good job of not losing
11764 	 it, Daddy, love. "Totally okay? Cool.
11765 	 Next time I'll pick up and talk to him.
11766 	 **
11767 	 Mom, definitely losing it:
11768 	 
11769 	 Are you
11770 	 trying
11771 	 to make us angry?
11772 	 
11773 	 
11774 	 **
11775 	 
11776 	 The game's getting fun. Keep
11777 	 playing. Smile pretty. "Why
11778 	 would I want to do that, Mom?"
11779 	 **
11780 	 Daddy, closer and closer to losing it:
11781 	 
11782 	 Extremely good question, I'd say.
11783 	 
11784 	 
11785 	 **
11786 	 
11787 	 All of a sudden, I don't want
11788 	 this to be a game anymore.
11789 	 I want answers. Honest ones.
11790 	 382
11791 	 
11792 	 
11793 	 
11794 	 This Is a Rare Opportunity
11795 	 
11796 	 With Mom sitting right here,
11797 	 Daddy cannot so easily dismiss
11798 	 my questions. Valid questions.
11799 	 I look him directly in the eye--
11800 	 something I don't often dare.
11801 	 **
11802 	 "Why don't you talk to your father?
11803 	 And why won't you let him be a part of our lives?" Like anyone is a part of our lives. Including us. Truth is, there is no "our." No "us."
11804 	 **
11805 	 Mom stares at Daddy, waiting.
11806 	 Doesn't she know? Daddy glances
11807 	 
11808 	 back and forth between us, like a corralled coyote.
11809 	 Let's just say he
11810 	 made my childhood extremely hard.
11811 	 
11812 	 
11813 	 **
11814 	 
11815 	 If he thinks that's communication, he should think again. Whose
11816 	 childhood isn't hard? I shake
11817 	 my head. "Like how, Daddy?
11818 	 Can you be more specific?"
11819 	 **
11820 	 His eyes glaze over, and I know
11821 	 he's fallen into the past, a place he most definitely does not want to revisit. He exits quickly.
11822 	 
11823 	 I
11824 	 don't want to talk about him.
11825 	 
11826 	 383
11827 	 
11828 	 
11829 	 
11830 	 Surreal
11831 	 
11832 	 I swear, I've never
11833 	 seen Daddy look so shaken.
11834 	 So...wow. Scared.
11835 	 **
11836 	 He looks like a little
11837 	 boy who has been sent to the principal's office
11838 	 **
11839 	 or to the woodshed to wait for a switching.
11840 	 I almost feel sorry
11841 	 **
11842 	 for him, operative
11843 	 
11844 	 word being
11845 	 almost.
11846 	 Because the mold of his face
11847 	 
11848 	 **
11849 	 reminds me intensely of Kaeleigh, when she know
11850 	 she's on his way to her.
11851 	 **
11852 	 Like father, like son?
11853 	 One day I'll get my answers.
11854 	 One day very soon.
11855 	 384
11856 	 
11857 	 
11858 	 
11859 	 Meanwhile, Think I'll Dive
11860 	 
11861 	 A little deeper into the shit pit.
11862 	 What have I got to lose?
11863 	 **
11864 	 "If you won't tell me about my grandfather, what about my grandmother? What's all the hype about, anyway?"
11865 	 **
11866 	 Daddy shifts gears to angry, jumps to his feet, stalks to the counter to refill his glass from the fifth of Turkey, drained
11867 	 **
11868 	 half-dry since this morning.
11869 	 It's not even dinnertime yet.
11870 	 **
11871 	 I think he just might leave the room, highball in hand.
11872 	 **
11873 	 
11874 	 Mom stops him with the weight of her voice.
11875 	 Don't you dare
11876 	 
11877 	 
11878 	 walk away from her. Raymond.
11879 	 
11880 	 
11881 	 Tell her about your mother.
11882 	 
11883 	 
11884 	 She has the right to know.
11885 	 
11886 	 385
11887 	 
11888 	 
11889 	 
11890 	 Daddy Takes a Gulp
11891 	 
11892 	 Of his whiskey, adds a big splash to the glass, rotates toward us on one heel. His expression is a curious mix of fury, resignation, and anguish.
11893 	 **
11894 	 Finally he returns to the table.
11895 	 
11896 	 So you want to know about
11897 	 your grandmother? Fine.
11898 	 
11899 	 
11900 	 Let me tell you all about her.
11901 	 
11902 	 
11903 	 What I remember, anyway.
11904 	 
11905 	 
11906 	 **
11907 	 
11908 	 
11909 	 I remember coming home
11910 	 from school and finding
11911 	 her passed out in front
11912 	 of the TV set, sweating
11913 	 
11914 	 
11915 	 cheap scotch and cigarettes....
11916 	 
11917 	 
11918 	 **
11919 	 
11920 	 Holy crap! Deja vu of the most unpleasant kind and he doesn't seem to get it at all. Only difference is the choice of booze.
11921 	 **
11922 	 
11923 	 I
11924 	 remember scrounging for
11925 	 my own dinner because I
11926 	 
11927 	 
11928 	 couldn't shake her out
11929 	 of her stupor and my dear
11930 	 
11931 	 
11932 	 old dad worked swing shift.
11933 	 
11934 	 386
11935 	 
11936 	 I
11937 	 remember other kids,
11938 	 laughing at my disgusting
11939 	 
11940 	 
11941 	 clothes. Mom was too
11942 	 
11943 	 
11944 	 fucked up to wash them
11945 	 and I was too little to try....
11946 	 
11947 	 
11948 	 **
11949 	 
11950 	 All the while he talks, he sucks down Turkey, and it's easy to imagine the scene, except for the dirty
11951 	 clothes. Daddy demands clean.
11952 	 **
11953 	 
11954 	 I
11955 	 remember how excited
11956 	 
11957 	 
11958 	 my classmates got about
11959 	 bringing their parents
11960 	 to school plays. I prayed
11961 	 
11962 	 
11963 	 mine wouldn't show up drunk.
11964 	 
11965 	 
11966 	 **
11967 	 
11968 	 
11969 	 I remember working my ass
11970 	 off to bring home straight As
11971 	 and the day I finally did,
11972 	 my mother wasn't home. In
11973 	 
11974 	 
11975 	 fact, she'd gone for good.
11976 	 
11977 	 387
11978 	 
11979 	 
11980 	 
11981 	 That was the Most
11982 	 
11983 	 My daddy has said to me in almost ten
11984 	 years. I can barely catch my breath,
11985 	 **
11986 	 and he did all the talking. Still, I have
11987 	 questions. "Why did she leave?"
11988 	 **
11989 	 
11990 	 He shrugs.
11991 	 She came limping back several
11992 	 
11993 	 
11994 	 years later, told me it was my father's fault.
11995 	 
11996 	 
11997 	 **
11998 	 
11999 	 
12000 	 Said he slept around. Like that was a good
12001 	 
12002 	 
12003 	 enough excuse for what her leaving did to me.
12004 	 
12005 	 
12006 	 **
12007 	 
12008 	 Lots of people's parents split up, especially over stuff like that. But...
12009 	 **
12010 	 "Why didn't she take you with her when she left?" What made him so cold?
12011 	 **
12012 	 
12013 	 She said she thought my father would
12014 	 
12015 	 
12016 	 take better care of me. That she had no
12017 	 
12018 	 
12019 	 **
12020 	 
12021 	 
12022 	 resources. That part, I'm sure, was true.
12023 	 
12024 	 
12025 	 But she never once checked on my welfare.
12026 	 
12027 	 
12028 	 **
12029 	 
12030 	 There's more to the story. A lot more.
12031 	 But it involves his father. He won't share
12032 	 **
12033 	 that part--the part I most need to know.
12034 	 The part about what makes Daddy tick.
12035 	 388
12036 	 
12037 	 
12038 	 
12039 	 The Topic of Conversation
12040 	 
12041 	 Plunges him deeper into the depths of his bottle, and he disappears into his bathroom for a while. I know
12042 	 what he's after in there. Oxy dessert, to chase his Wild Turkey main course.
12043 	 **
12044 	 By the time Mom has dinner ready,
12045 	 Daddy has reached a state of oblivion.
12046 	 He will not share the table tonight.
12047 	 **
12048 	 Which just leaves us girls. Kaeleigh
12049 	 watches Mom whip up a Hollandaise to go with the fresh fish entrée.
12050 	 She wants a daughter-mother talk about Ian, but I can't figure out why.
12051 	 **
12052 	 It would be a blistering day in Antarctica before I confessed any of my extracurricular
12053 	 activities. Think I'll reroute the conversation.
12054 	 **
12055 	 "So, Mom..." I drop my voice to just above a whisper. "Do you know what
12056 	 happened between Daddy and his father?"
12057 	 Does she know? If so, will she break down and tell us the necessary backstory?
12058 	 **
12059 	 Mom pauses her whisking, but not for long.
12060 	 
12061 	 Sorry. He never told me the whole thing.
12062 	 
12063 	 
12064 	 Anyway, that will have to come from him.
12065 	 
12066 	 389
12067 	 
12068 	 
12069 	 
12070 	 She Knows More, of Course
12071 	 
12072 	 But she won't spill it tonight. Will we
12073 	 **
12074 	 ever get the keys to this locked door?
12075 	 **
12076 	 I want to scream.
12077 	 Curiosity strangles
12078 	 **
12079 	 me until I choke out,
12080 	 "Was Daddy abused?"
12081 	 **
12082 	 Mom opens the broiler, flips the fish. Finally
12083 	 **
12084 	 
12085 	 she says,
12086 	 There are all
12087 	 
12088 	 
12089 	 kinds of abuse.
12090 	 
12091 	 
12092 	 **
12093 	 
12094 	 This is the perfect
12095 	 opening, Kaeleigh,
12096 	 **
12097 	 the way into asking for help. But no way.
12098 	 **
12099 	 Kaeleigh doesn't
12100 	 want to go there,
12101 	 **
12102 	 doesn't want to go anywhere near.
12103 	 **
12104 	 
12105 	 Mom saves her the trouble.
12106 	 Okay.
12107 	 
12108 	 
12109 	 **
12110 	 
12111 	 
12112 	 Dinner's ready. Let's
12113 	 
12114 	 
12115 	 open some wine.
12116 	 
12117 	 390
12118 	 
12119 	 
12120 	 
12121 	 A Lot of Wine Later
12122 	 
12123 	 We are no closer to learning each
12124 	 other's dark secrets, and much
12125 	 closer to our own states of stupor.
12126 	 **
12127 	 Kaeleigh has already retreated, not a single word about Ian.
12128 	 No doubt a very wise decision.
12129 	 **
12130 	 Tomorrow it's back to the books
12131 	 (and, damn, a.m. history with
12132 	 Lawler) for me, back to party
12133 	 **
12134 	 planning for Mom. The clock
12135 	 says ten forty-five. "Guess I'd
12136 	 better go to bed. It's getting late."
12137 	 **
12138 	 She looks at me through chardonnay-
12139 	 
12140 	 lidded eyes.
12141 	 You look like her,
12142 	 you know. Very much so, in fact.
12143 	 
12144 	 
12145 	 **
12146 	 
12147 	 What is she babbling about?
12148 	 My head feels wobbly, my
12149 	 tongue thick as pudding. "Who?"
12150 	 **
12151 	 
12152 	 Your grandmother. I thought
12153 	 so when you were little, but
12154 	 it's even more obvious now.
12155 	 
12156 	 391
12157 	 
12158 	 
12159 	 
12160 	 I Stumble Off to Bed
12161 	 
12162 	 But find no comfort in its feathers and patchwork.
12163 	 Despite the wine and rich
12164 	 food, breaking down into calories,
12165 	 I feel cold, way deep inside, and it's the kind of cold
12166 	 that can't be fought
12167 	 **
12168 	 with Hollandaise or alcohol or a pile of quilts. I wish I had a joint. A big, fat, stinky j to slide
12169 	 me into sleep. But no, all I
12170 	 can do is lie here, brain
12171 	 turning somersaults.
12172 	 It's nights like
12173 	 **
12174 	 these when memories
12175 	 stir, whipping themselves into stiff peaks of pain. Here
12176 	 comes one now, materializing like Daddy did that night.
12177 	 The night he came to
12178 	 Kaeleigh, crossed
12179 	 **
12180 	 the final line.
12181 	 392
12182 	 
12183 	 
12184 	 
12185 	 Mom had Been Spending
12186 	 
12187 	 More and more time away from home. We were getting
12188 	 used to it. But that night, something was different.
12189 	 Kaeleigh and I lay in bed,
12190 	 **
12191 	 
12192 	 listening to Daddy scream into the phone.
12193 	 What the fuck
12194 	 
12195 	 
12196 	 do you think you're doing, Kay?
12197 	 
12198 	 
12199 	 It's not just me you're hurting.
12200 	 
12201 	 
12202 	 Come home. I'll forgive you.
12203 	 
12204 	 
12205 	 **
12206 	 
12207 	 We had no idea where she was, or what she was doing to make
12208 	 Daddy so mad. But whatever she said on the other end did not
12209 	 pacify him. The receiver slammed.
12210 	 **
12211 	 The ensuing silence was scary, scarier than his yelling. In
12212 	 retrospect, I understand he had
12213 	 gone to visit his bottles. But he didn't find enough healing there.
12214 	 **
12215 	 His footsteps that night were soft. Hesitant. I think they even
12216 	 turned around. But eventually
12217 	 they came toward us again.
12218 	 The door opened slowly.
12219 	 393
12220 	 Kaeleigh was used to Daddy's
12221 	 visits, but that night she, too, felt something different in the air.
12222 	 Rage. Lust. Sorrow. Perversion.
12223 	 All mingled in Daddy's sweat.
12224 	 **
12225 	 There was nothing gentle about how he threw back the covers. Already naked, he pushed Kaeleigh roughly to one side, flopped beside her.
12226 	 **
12227 	 I could tell she was afraid.
12228 	 This wasn't her Daddy. This was a demon, his evil hard and sharp as a steel blade, ready to slice into her. It did.
12229 	 **
12230 	 His attack was brutal, bloody, wordless except for a vicious
12231 	 
12232 	 Shut the fuck up
12233 	 at her pitiful
12234 	 
12235 	 scream, a plea to please, please
12236 	 no, Daddy, no. It hurts. Oh!
12237 	 **
12238 	 I cowered, sick at the sight, but unable to divorce myself from the horror. I felt Kaeleigh's
12239 	 pain. And when Daddy was done and she cried, I cried too.
12240 	 394
12241 	 
12242 	 
12243 	 
12244 	 No Doubt About It
12245 	 
12246 	 There's a demon inside him.
12247 	 Demons, they say, are fallen
12248 	 angels. The real question is, who pushed Daddy over the edge, into the abyss? I'd say there are several likely candidates.
12249 	 And, oh awesome. I'm related to all of them, heiress of darkness.
12250 	 Dark or not, though, I want to know them. Want to know
12251 	 exactly what created not only
12252 	 Daddy, but through him, me.
12253 	 Is
12254 	 that so much to ask? We're
12255 	 probably too damaged to ever
12256 	 be fixable, but if there's even a tiny chance, I need to know
12257 	 where to find it. In Daddy? Ha. In
12258 	 Mom? Unlikely. In some guy?
12259 	 Every single one I know is worse off than me. My only hope is to ferret out exactly who
12260 	 I am.
12261 	 395
12262 	 
12263 	 
12264 	 
12265 	 
12266 	 
12267 	 Kaeleigh
12268 	 
12269 	 
12270 	 
12271 	 
12272 	 I Can Hardly Wait
12273 	 
12274 	 To get to school today, something totally new, and all because of Ian. He takes the edge off my pain. In fact, for once
12275 	 I don't feel like fighting pain with food. For once, I feel like I might crawl beyond this place of darkness the place I've called home for as long as I can remember.
12276 	 I jump out of bed, start to dress, and my bubble of optimism
12277 	 is
12278 	 burst almost immediately.
12279 	 Down the hall, Mom and Daddy are into it already, scratching at each other like alley cats.
12280 	 Where
12281 	 did their own love go? Why
12282 	 did it have to die and suck me down into its shallow grave?
12283 	 Guess I'll go shave my legs, then scope out the pantry.
12284 	 I am famished, after all.
12285 	 396
12286 	 
12287 	 
12288 	 
12289 	 I Am on My Third Bowl of Cereal
12290 	 
12291 	 When Daddy comes into the kitchen.
12292 	 His eyes wear "pissed" and when they
12293 	 fall to my mouth, stuffed with Shredded
12294 	 Wheat, irritation grows to outrage.
12295 	 **
12296 	 
12297 	 What the hell are you doing?
12298 	 
12299 	 
12300 	 **
12301 	 
12302 	 He can't know how many bowls
12303 	 I've downed, and I haven't made a mess of the table. I swallow a major
12304 	 mouthful. "What do you mean, Daddy?"
12305 	 **
12306 	 
12307 	 You look like a regular pig.
12308 	 
12309 	 
12310 	 **
12311 	 
12312 	 Good. I'm glad he thinks I look like a pig. Still, his words sting and my eyes start to water.
12313 	 "I'm just having some cereal."
12314 	 **
12315 	 
12316 	 Ladies don't stuff their mouths full.
12317 	 
12318 	 I'm not a lady and don't want to be, but Daddy's spoiling to fight with someone weaker than Mom.
12319 	 "Sorry. I won't do it again."
12320 	 **
12321 	 
12322 	 That's more like it. Now give me a kiss.
12323 	 
12324 	 397
12325 	 
12326 	 
12327 	 
12328 	 He Hasn't Asked
12329 	 
12330 	 For a kiss since I was small.
12331 	 If he wants, he takes.
12332 	 The passive demeanor has me
12333 	 **
12334 	 totally creeped out, but I am not fooled by it. This is no request. It's an order.
12335 	 **
12336 	 I wipe my mouth carefully, go over to Daddy, who waits, an impatient monarch.
12337 	 **
12338 	 I reach up to kiss the plump of his cheek, but he turns his face straight on
12339 	 **
12340 	 to mine, and our lips meet.
12341 	 His mouth is wet, hungry, and he kisses me
12342 	 **
12343 	 like no father should and just as I think I'll retch,
12344 	 
12345 	 Mom's footsteps
12346 	 click-click
12347 	 
12348 	 
12349 	 **
12350 	 
12351 	 on the hall tile, coming toward us. Daddy withdraws.
12352 	 
12353 	 There's my beautiful little flower.
12354 	 
12355 	 398
12356 	 
12357 	 
12358 	 
12359 	 We Are Still Very Close
12360 	 
12361 	 When Mom enters the room, queen to Daddy's king.
12362 	 **
12363 	 
12364 	 The caterers want a deposit.
12365 	 
12366 	 
12367 	 I have to
12368 	 --She takes in the scene
12369 	 
12370 	 **
12371 	 
12372 	 suddenly. Doesn't like what she sees.
12373 	 Uh...is everything all right?
12374 	 
12375 	 
12376 	 **
12377 	 
12378 	 Like she wants to hear the truth--
12379 	 yeah, Mom, just making out with
12380 	 **
12381 	 my father. "Everything's fine.
12382 	 I just had something in my eye."
12383 	 **
12384 	 Her relief at the obvious lie escapes her lungs in an audible sigh.
12385 	 **
12386 	 Speaking of escape, I can make
12387 	 mine now. "I've got to finish
12388 	 **
12389 	 getting ready for school. See
12390 	 you this afternoon, okay?"
12391 	 **
12392 	 I can't help but look at Daddy, who wears arrogance like aftershave.
12393 	 **
12394 	 
12395 	 Don't be late, little girl. I'll
12396 	 
12397 	 
12398 	 be here, waiting for you.
12399 	 
12400 	 399
12401 	 
12402 	 
12403 	 
12404 	 I Exit the Kitchen
12405 	 
12406 	 Dash up the hallway, and barely
12407 	 make the bathroom before three
12408 	 mountainous bowls of cereal
12409 	 come pouring from my belly.
12410 	 Stomach acid roils into my mouth, bitter as the spit on Daddy's tongue.
12411 	 The thought brings a round of dry
12412 	 heaves. Once my stomach stops
12413 	 convulsing, I scour my teeth and gums, rinse with Listerine to kill the germs.
12414 	 I dare to look in the mirror. "Tell,"
12415 	 urges the girl on the far side of the glass.
12416 	 "Tell. Or run." But she knows me better than that. Knows I won't do either.
12417 	 400
12418 	 
12419 	 
12420 	 
12421 	 All Hope Dissolved
12422 	 
12423 	 I catch the bus, sit in the very front
12424 	 seat, where I know no one will join
12425 	 me. I lay my head against the cool
12426 	 window glass, stare at the nothing
12427 	 beyond, try to shut out the noise.
12428 	 **
12429 	 Everyone here has parents. Maybe
12430 	 not together parents, and maybe
12431 	 some are substitute parents. But
12432 	 no one has parents like mine.
12433 	 I'm a complete freak, and so alone.
12434 	 **
12435 	 I was a total fool to ever believe
12436 	 that someone could save me, or thaw the frozen death inside me. Oh Ian, if only you could.
12437 	 I would run away with you today!
12438 	 **
12439 	 The brakes squeal and the bus
12440 	 coughs up diesel, and as the next
12441 	 group boards, I notice a Chevy
12442 	 Avalanche drive by. It's Mick.
12443 	 And glued to him is Madison.
12444 	 401
12445 	 
12446 	 
12447 	 
12448 	 Fine
12449 	 by Me
12450 	 
12451 	 Although at least one person
12452 	 I could name will probably
12453 	 not be happy about this reunion.
12454 	 **
12455 	 But, hey, if it means Madison
12456 	 will leave me the hell alone, more power to Mick. Poor guy.
12457 	 **
12458 	 The bus pulls curbside at school, and I'm the first one off. I go
12459 	 straight to my locker, half hoping
12460 	 **
12461 	 I won't see Ian. The other half
12462 	 needs desperately to see him.
12463 	 But the bell rings, Ian-less.
12464 	 **
12465 	 I zombie walk between classes, sit through hours of lecture without hearing a single word.
12466 	 **
12467 	 Finally it's lunch, and there's
12468 	 Ian, by the library. I start to wave, think about running into his arms,
12469 	 **
12470 	 lifting my face to his for a kiss.
12471 	 But then his face morphs into Daddy's, and I duck into the bathroom.
12472 	 402
12473 	 
12474 	 
12475 	 
12476 	 Safe in the Far Stall
12477 	 
12478 	 I wait for the bell to ring, picking at a scab or two.
12479 	 The one on my ankle is recent.
12480 	 I open it wide, encourage the flow. It's like milking
12481 	 venom from my veins.
12482 	 Wonder how long it would
12483 	 take to bleed out completely.
12484 	 **
12485 	 Other girls come and go.
12486 	 Talking. Laughing. Sniping.
12487 	 A couple dare light up cigarettes, and I almost
12488 	 ask for a drag. Filling my
12489 	 lungs with nicotine gas
12490 	 just might take the edge off.
12491 	 **
12492 	 But the last thing I need is to get busted smoking in the bathroom at school.
12493 	 Think what my suspension
12494 	 would do to my parents'
12495 	 spotless reputations. Second-
12496 	 hand Marlboros will have to do.
12497 	 403
12498 	 
12499 	 
12500 	 
12501 	 I'm Watching Blood Drip
12502 	 
12503 	 Onto a wad of TP when my cell
12504 	 signals a text message coming.
12505 	 **
12506 	 
12507 	 Ian, of course.
12508 	 R u ok? Saw
12509 	 
12510 	 
12511 	 u run in2 the bathroom. I'm
12512 	 
12513 	 
12514 	 w8ing 4 u to come out.
12515 	 
12516 	 
12517 	 **
12518 	 
12519 	 Looks like I'll have to oblige.
12520 	 Can't hide in here forever.
12521 	 **
12522 	 Into the bowl goes the bloody
12523 	 tissue. One mighty flush. So long.
12524 	 **
12525 	 Would be nice to so easily get rid of all of life's varied detritus.
12526 	 **
12527 	 My fingers are tinted with blood.
12528 	 I go to the sink, drawing a horrified
12529 	 **
12530 	 stare from the freshman standing
12531 	 adjacent. "Bloody nose," I explain.
12532 	 **
12533 	 She accepts the explanation.
12534 	 
12535 	 Hate when that happens.
12536 	 
12537 	 
12538 	 **
12539 	 
12540 	 Excuses. Excuses. So many excuses.
12541 	 Too bad mine always seem to work.
12542 	 404
12543 	 
12544 	 
12545 	 
12546 	 With Everyone, That Is
12547 	 
12548 	 Except Ian. When I offer the bloody nose pretext, he assesses me head to foot.
12549 	 **
12550 	 
12551 	 Really.
12552 	 .., he says.
12553 	 Did you clean
12554 	 up your nose with your pants?
12555 	 
12556 	 
12557 	 What are you, triple-jointed?
12558 	 
12559 	 
12560 	 **
12561 	 
12562 	 I glance down, find one leg of my white jeans striped a dark shade of crimson.
12563 	 **
12564 	 My face flares a matching
12565 	 color. "Oh, that. I cut myself
12566 	 shaving this morning."
12567 	 **
12568 	 
12569 	 He pulls me into him.
12570 	 Be more
12571 	 
12572 	 
12573 	 careful, okay? Don't want
12574 	 
12575 	 
12576 	 you to bleed to death.
12577 	 
12578 	 
12579 	 **
12580 	 
12581 	 His sincerity, and the warmth of him dispel every little bit of doubt. Okay, maybe not
12582 	 **
12583 	 every single bit. My heart
12584 	 says I'm so, so his. But, asks
12585 	 my head, is he so, so mine?
12586 	 405
12587 	 
12588 	 
12589 	 
12590 	 So, So Mine or Not
12591 	 
12592 	 I agree to let him drive me home after school. It's a long afternoon until the final bell releases me from
12593 	 Monday PE and the usual locker-room
12594 	 drama. Madison wears "smug" like sun-
12595 	 block, greasing her face to an oily gleam.
12596 	 **
12597 	 What she doesn't seem to get is it doesn't bother me one little bit.
12598 	 Once a bitch, always a bitch, with or without a boyfriend who has
12599 	 drunk a six-pack or eight too many.
12600 	 Psychic says: Train wreck on the horizon.
12601 	 **
12602 	 Ian is waiting for me, and I push
12603 	 all thoughts of Daddy away as I lean
12604 	 forward to kiss him. Oh, yes. This is what a kiss should be. Not wet.
12605 	 Not hungry. No ego here. It's all about me. I intensely love this guy.
12606 	 **
12607 	 He takes a roundabout route home, stops down near the river. Okay, it's mostly a dry river, but who cares?
12608 	 My heart races, exhilarated at the ride and at the possibility of what might
12609 	 come next. Now. Tomorrow. Beyond.
12610 	 406
12611 	 
12612 	 
12613 	 
12614 	 Ian Kills the Motor
12615 	 
12616 	 Drops the kickstand, takes off his helmet, and I eighty-six mine.
12617 	 He reaches for my hand, leads me across the sand. Finally
12618 	 **
12619 	 he stops, turns to me. I expect a kiss. Instead I get words.
12620 	 
12621 	 I
12622 	 know you have to get home,
12623 	 but I really think we need to talk.
12624 	 
12625 	 
12626 	 **
12627 	 
12628 	 So much for tomorrow.
12629 	 What can I say but, "Okay."
12630 	 This is not at all going
12631 	 where I predicted it would.
12632 	 **
12633 	 
12634 	 You know I've loved you for
12635 	 a long time. To believe you
12636 	 
12637 	 
12638 	 might love me back is all
12639 	 
12640 	 
12641 	 I've ever wanted....
12642 	 
12643 	 
12644 	 **
12645 	 
12646 	 Words spew, an eruption of emotion. "I do, Ian, I do
12647 	 love you. I know I haven't
12648 	 always acted like it, but--'
12649 	 **
12650 	 
12651 	 Shush. Let me talk. Now I need
12652 	 
12653 	 
12654 	 more from you. I need to believe
12655 	 
12656 	 
12657 	 you trust me enough to not keep
12658 	 
12659 	 
12660 	 secrets. To share your secrets.
12661 	 
12662 	 407
12663 	 Here it comes. Cold, bitter
12664 	 panic, rising up like stomach
12665 	 acid did just this morning.
12666 	 "What do you mean?"
12667 	 **
12668 	 He pauses. Kisses me gently.
12669 	 
12670 	 I'm scared for you, Kaeleigh.
12671 	 
12672 	 
12673 	 You're losing weight. And, are
12674 	 --
12675 	 
12676 	 
12677 	 don't get mad
12678 	 --
12679 	 are you cutting?
12680 	 
12681 	 
12682 	 **
12683 	 
12684 	 Every instinct cries out to deny, deny, deny. "No, I..."
12685 	 It might feel good to confess.
12686 	 "Things are stressful right now."
12687 	 **
12688 	 
12689 	 The not-quite-confession riles the protector in him.
12690 	 You can't
12691 	 
12692 	 
12693 	 cut, Kaeleigh. Please. If you
12694 	 
12695 	 
12696 	 need help, I'll find it for you.
12697 	 
12698 	 
12699 	 **
12700 	 
12701 	 "No!" No damn help, because they'd want to know the whys behind what I do. "No. I'll be
12702 	 all right, as long as I have you."
12703 	 **
12704 	 
12705 	 Then you have to promise
12706 	 
12707 	 
12708 	 not to cut, and if you think you
12709 	 
12710 	 
12711 	 have to, you'll call.
12712 	 He kisses the promise out of me.
12713 	 
12714 	 408
12715 	 
12716 	 
12717 	 
12718 	 Almost Home
12719 	 
12720 	 Ian cruises slowly up the block.
12721 	 I want to tell him, "Keep going."
12722 	 And going. I know it's impossible, but how amazing it would be to just keep driving until we found
12723 	 somewhere safe for the two of us to settle down, merge into one.
12724 	 **
12725 	 As we pass Hannah's, I happen to notice the front door swing
12726 	 open. Just inside is a familiar
12727 	 form, standing very close to
12728 	 Hannah. (Just like in the kitchen.)
12729 	 The thought makes my skin
12730 	 crawl. And then he bends to kiss
12731 	 her. (Just like in the kitchen.)
12732 	 **
12733 	 Before I can twist my head away, dig it into Ian's back, Daddy
12734 	 turns, preparing to leave. And
12735 	 our eyes meet in a moment of mutual, instantaneous recognition. He
12736 	 knows who it is beneath this
12737 	 helmet. And I know how he has spent this frigid afternoon.
12738 	 409
12739 	 
12740 	 
12741 	 
12742 	 The House Is Crazy
12743 	 
12744 	 With activity. Odd, to see
12745 	 Mom so animated, here at home, so much more the way she used to be.
12746 	 Holding court in the living
12747 	 room, she gives directions
12748 	 regally. Wonder if she notices her nose, tilted so far skyward.
12749 	 **
12750 	 Delivery guys move furniture, set up chairs, a buffet table.
12751 	 Maids-for-a-day vacuum, dust, wash windows, scrub floors.
12752 	 Some rental place sets up a wall-sized flat-screen TV.
12753 	 If all this energy would focus on the polls, Mom couldn't lose.
12754 	 **
12755 	 Daddy isn't far behind me through the door. Despite a house full of witnesses, his hands pounce on my
12756 	 shoulders, spin me to face
12757 	 
12758 	 him.
12759 	 Haven't I told you no
12760 	 
12761 	 
12762 	 rides with young drivers?
12763 	 
12764 	 
12765 	 And who was that, anyway?
12766 	 
12767 	 410
12768 	 
12769 	 
12770 	 
12771 	 Spit Pools
12772 	 
12773 	 At the corners of his mouth, and his eyes betray insanity.
12774 	 If we were alone, I'd be frantic with fear. But we're not. And
12775 	 I hold an amazing trump card. I yank
12776 	 myself from Daddy's grasp.
12777 	 "That was Ian. I'm sure it means nothing to you, but he and I have been friends
12778 	 forever.
12779 	 That's right, Daddy. I do have a friend or two, despite you."
12780 	 His pupils go black with rage.
12781 	 But suddenly I feel brave,
12782 	 in
12783 	 control. It probably won't last
12784 	 long, but for once, I've got as much power as he does.
12785 	 The house quiets as I continue
12786 	 my
12787 	 taunting monologue. "Of course, we're not nearly as good friends as you and Hannah seem to be."
12788 	 Think I went too far. He's flat
12789 	 trembling with fury. And I know if he could get away with it, he'd
12790 	 reward me with the back of his hand.
12791 	 411
12792 	 
12793 	 T.
12794 	 
12795 	 
12796 	 411
12797 	 
12798 	 
12799 	 
12800 	 
12801 	 
12802 	 
12803 	 Raeanne
12804 	 
12805 	 
12806 	 
12807 	 
12808 	 Holy Effing Moly
12809 	 
12810 	 What got into Kaeleigh?
12811 	 Has she totally lost her mind?
12812 	 Still, the (not real high) estimation
12813 	 I hold for her just rose a notch or two.
12814 	 Kaeleigh retreats as Mom snaps
12815 	 out of her state of shock, hustles
12816 	 Daddy back into their bedroom.
12817 	 The shouting match seems to take
12818 	 forever to fire up, but when it does, it's a doozer. Even from here, my ears are ringing. The cleaning crew
12819 	 ignores the hoopla, returns to work
12820 	 in
12821 	 a matter of seconds. But the delivery
12822 	 dudes seem completely unable to move stuff without direction.
12823 	 I decide to take matters into
12824 	 my
12825 	 own hands. "Ahem. Can you
12826 	 please put that table over there, under the window?" Beyond the glass, autumn leaves are trembling in the November wind. It's all
12827 	 going to tumble down soon.
12828 	 And I'm ready to give it a hand.
12829 	 412
12830 	 
12831 	 
12832 	 
12833 	 The Afternoon's Drama
12834 	 
12835 	 Sent us all to our separate corners.
12836 	 [in the print book each section below is in separate corner of the page]
12837 	 Daddy's holed up in his bedroom, shacking up with his deadly
12838 	 duo, but no Hannah
12839 	 **
12840 	 Kaeleigh waited for them to fall
12841 	 silent, sneaked to the kitchen, yacked down five hot dogs.
12842 	 Mom crawled off to the guest room, telephone in one
12843 	 hand, wine bottle
12844 	 (two) in the other.
12845 	 Watching her made
12846 	 me go puke up my
12847 	 Lean Cuisine. Then
12848 	 I put in a phone call to Mick. I need bud.
12849 	 413
12850 	 
12851 	 
12852 	 
12853 	 He Picked Up
12854 	 
12855 	 With some trepidation.
12856 	 Caller ID totally busted me.
12857 	 **
12858 	 
12859 	 Uh, hi. Uh...I should tell you, me
12860 	 and Madison are a thing again.
12861 	 
12862 	 
12863 	 **
12864 	 
12865 	 "I know. I don't want to hurt
12866 	 your relationship...." Oh no, not at all! "It's just I really need to get my head. Please? I'll make it worth your while."
12867 	 **
12868 	 The greed factor works every time.
12869 	 
12870 	 Oh. Okay, just so you know. You know?
12871 	 
12872 	 
12873 	 **
12874 	 
12875 	 
12876 	 Was I ever
12877 	 really
12878 	 with this guy?
12879 	 
12880 	 "Hey, no problem. I promise to be the perfect lady." Just stoned.
12881 	 **
12882 	 
12883 	 Give me fifteen minutes. But hey.
12884 	 
12885 	 
12886 	 Promise not to tell Mad, okay?
12887 	 
12888 	 
12889 	 **
12890 	 
12891 	 Fuck. Whatever. I made my voice
12892 	 real sweet. "Oh, I'd never do that.
12893 	 But I do miss...oh, you know.
12894 	 It was always so good with you."
12895 	 **
12896 	 He's on his way. And I'm ...
12897 	 414
12898 	 
12899 	 
12900 	 
12901 	 Out the Window
12902 	 
12903 	 Cutting through the sea of fog like an orca on the hunt.
12904 	 **
12905 	 I don't have to wait long before headlights find me in the mist.
12906 	 **
12907 	 I climb up into the Avalanche, dive immediately under the seat
12908 	 **
12909 	 without even saying hi. Not nice.
12910 	 I find the tray, start to roll. "Hi."
12911 	 **
12912 	 Mick looks at me, laughs.
12913 	 
12914 	 Okay, then. So where to?
12915 	 
12916 	 
12917 	 **
12918 	 
12919 	 Translation-. Exactly how will
12920 	 you make it worth my while?
12921 	 **
12922 	 Not like that, m'dear. For all
12923 	 I know, you've got Madison on you.
12924 	 **
12925 	 "Don't care. Just drive. Not through town. And please don't speed."
12926 	 **
12927 	 OMG. How long has it been since
12928 	 I've filled my lungs, held it in,
12929 	 **
12930 	 dropped way down low behind a hedge of "who gives a fuck"?
12931 	 415
12932 	 
12933 	 
12934 	 
12935 	 A Half Hour Later
12936 	 
12937 	 Mick and I are somewhere
12938 	 out Foxen Canyon, totally
12939 	 wasted. When we drove by
12940 	 Ty's place, I half considered
12941 	 taunting Mick with a confession.
12942 	 **
12943 	 Mick pulls over in a deserted spot.
12944 	 
12945 	 He probably has to pee. But no, he reaches across the seat.
12946 	 Come
12947 	 over here. Make it worth my while.
12948 	 
12949 	 
12950 	 **
12951 	 
12952 	 "I don't think so, Mick. You're
12953 	 back with Madison now. Wouldn't
12954 	 want to mess that up for you."
12955 	 You so deserve each other.
12956 	 **
12957 	 He slides over, gagging me with the smell of his sweat. No shower
12958 	 
12959 	 today?
12960 	 She doesn't have to know.
12961 	 
12962 	 
12963 	 Better not know. Come on.
12964 	 
12965 	 
12966 	 **
12967 	 
12968 	 Okay. Calling Mick was maybe
12969 	 not the best idea. I dig for a twenty.
12970 	 "This should cover what I smoked.
12971 	 Please take me home now."
12972 	 **
12973 	 
12974 	 Don't want your money.
12975 	 His zipper
12976 	 
12977 	 opens, and what escapes is eager.
12978 	 Then he pushes my head down.
12979 	 
12980 	 Haven't you missed me?
12981 	 
12982 	 416
12983 	 
12984 	 
12985 	 
12986 	 I Could Just Do It
12987 	 
12988 	 Get it over with. Pretend it never
12989 	 happened. But I don't think so.
12990 	 It has to be my idea or not at all.
12991 	 **
12992 	 "No, Mick. Goddammit, I said no!"
12993 	 **
12994 	 But he's all over me and I may not
12995 	 have a choice. He outweighs me by a hundred pounds and he's got
12996 	 **
12997 	 me pinned against the door. His
12998 	 fingers, clumsy, work at my own
12999 	 zipper. I try to push him off.
13000 	 **
13001 	 
13002 	 What's wrong? You know you want to.
13003 	 
13004 	 
13005 	 **
13006 	 
13007 	 "No, I really don't." But I can't stop his mouth from covering mine, leaving a wet trail of slobber all over my face.
13008 	 **
13009 	 One hand tugs my shirt over my head, the other is inside my bra, twisting, pinching. I could just get it over with.
13010 	 **
13011 	 
13012 	 See? Your nipples don't lie. You like it.
13013 	 
13014 	 
13015 	 **
13016 	 
13017 	 He's too worked up to manage tight
13018 	 jeans, so he leans up over me, demanding
13019 	 I do him with my mouth. I could bite.
13020 	 417
13021 	 But he'd probably kick my ass and finish his business anyway.
13022 	 I've never seen this side of Mick.
13023 	 **
13024 	 Or maybe I have and ignored it.
13025 	 I can barely breathe, and the teeth of his zipper are biting into my chin.
13026 	 **
13027 	 
13028 	 Atta girl. You can't say no to...
13029 	 
13030 	 
13031 	 **
13032 	 
13033 	 Daddy. Daddy? Kaeleigh would just
13034 	 give in. The thought of her wide-eyed
13035 	 surrender gives me a sudden idea.
13036 	 **
13037 	 But I have to play things right.
13038 	 First I go limp, pretend to acquiesce.
13039 	 I even give him a taste of what he wants.
13040 	 **
13041 	 "Stop for a minute. You're hurting me."
13042 	 **
13043 	 He hesitates, looks down into my
13044 	 eyes, which have teared up quite
13045 	 nicely. He draws back ever so slightly.
13046 	 **
13047 	 I dig down, beyond fear, find Raeanne
13048 	 again. "If we're going to do this, you
13049 	 don't get to have all the fun. And can
13050 	 **
13051 	 we pretty please take another hit first?"
13052 	 418
13053 	 
13054 	 
13055 	 
13056 	 The Greed Factor, Again
13057 	 
13058 	 That, and asking instead of demanding.
13059 	 I could be a politician one day. Ugh!
13060 	 Why did I have to go and think that?
13061 	 **
13062 	 
13063 	 Mick slides to one side of me.
13064 	 Okay.
13065 	 
13066 	 
13067 	 **
13068 	 
13069 	 I reach down, grab his tray, complete with maybe a half ounce of great bud.
13070 	 Pricey bud. I'm betting on greed.
13071 	 **
13072 	 "Hang on. I need some light." I open the door wide, send the tray sailing like a pot-covered Frisbee.
13073 	 **
13074 	 
13075 	 What the fuck did you do that for?
13076 	 
13077 	 
13078 	 **
13079 	 
13080 	 Mick jumps across me, out the open
13081 	 door. I slam it behind him, hit the lock
13082 	 button, move under the steering wheel.
13083 	 **
13084 	 I'm not about to walk all the way home.
13085 	 Mick can do that. He's on his hands and knees scouring the dirt for bud,
13086 	 **
13087 	 roaches, rolling papers. I can't help but notice the crack of his exposed ass.
13088 	 He was in too big of a hurry to zip his pants.
13089 	 419
13090 	 I think before I do it. I've never actually
13091 	 driven before. But how hard could it be?
13092 	 Think again. I might just kill someone.
13093 	 **
13094 	 Hopefully Mick, not me. I laugh, start the engine. Mick looks up, and I know
13095 	 I can't let him back in the truck.
13096 	 **
13097 	 
13098 	 What the hell are you doing, bitch?
13099 	 
13100 	 
13101 	 **
13102 	 
13103 	 I have no clue what I'm doing. Fuck it.
13104 	 I've seen this done a thousand times before.
13105 	 Drop the gear shift to D. Hit the gas...
13106 	 420
13107 	 
13108 	 
13109 	 
13110 	 The Avalanche Lurches Forward
13111 	 
13112 	 Wheels spinning in the gravel.
13113 	 Mick rolls out of the way.
13114 	 Good thing. With more force of will than talent, I manage to get tires onto asphalt, weaving back and forth until I sort of get the hang of driving a straight line.
13115 	 Almost makes me wish
13116 	 I wasn't so high. Almost.
13117 	 **
13118 	 This isn't so hard. I play a little, testing brakes, acceleration, and steering
13119 	 capabilities. Not exactly
13120 	 rocket science. Uh-oh.
13121 	 Here come some curves.
13122 	 I ease off the gas, maneuver through them, half thinking about what I'm doing.
13123 	 The rest thinks about Mick.
13124 	 He's pissed, for certain.
13125 	 But what's he going to do? Call the cops? His
13126 	 word against mine. Still, if the cops come knocking .
13127 	 421
13128 	 
13129 	 
13130 	 
13131 	 How Would That Look on Headline Hews?
13132 	 
13133 	 
13134 	 
13135 	 CONGRESSWOMAN'S DAUGHTER ARRESTED
13136 	 
13137 	 for theft of would-be rapist's truck. Says
13138 	 
13139 	 
13140 	 they were smoking pot after curfew
13141 	 
13142 	 
13143 	 when things got out of hand.
13144 	 
13145 	 
13146 	 **
13147 	 
13148 	 I could go back, pick him up.
13149 	 If I could manage to turn
13150 	 around, anyway. But
13151 	 you know, I really don't think
13152 	 I will. He started this game.
13153 	 I'll play it to the end.
13154 	 **
13155 	 It's one thing to say okay, do me, do me any way you want and it's no problem,
13156 	 **
13157 	 because I gave you permission.
13158 	 But to say no, and have him
13159 	 insist he will anyway?
13160 	 **
13161 	 No damn way. And as I work it through, it comes to me that for once, I did say no.
13162 	 **
13163 	 What's up with me, anyway?
13164 	 422
13165 	 
13166 	 
13167 	 
13168 	 The Road into Town
13169 	 
13170 	 Is pretty much deserted this time of night. I drop over the last dark
13171 	 hill, pull well off the pavement, onto the shoulder. Wouldn't want
13172 	 some loadie to come along and smash into the Avalanche.
13173 	 **
13174 	 Guess I'll leave the keys under the seat. I think enough to wipe
13175 	 them off, along with the steering
13176 	 wheel. Any other fingerprints of mine
13177 	 would probably be smeared together with Madison's. Wonder if she says no.
13178 	 **
13179 	 I know it's stupid as hell, but now I'm worried about Mick. It's a damn
13180 	 long walk from where I left him.
13181 	 Oh, well. He deserves it. If he gets
13182 	 lucky, maybe someone will happen
13183 	 by. Yeah right. Well after two on
13184 	 Tuesday morning. Election day.
13185 	 **
13186 	 Better worry about myself. It's a long enough walk for me, and
13187 	 I most definitely better be home
13188 	 well before the sun comes up.
13189 	 423
13190 	 
13191 	 
13192 	 
13193 	 An Hour's Walk Home
13194 	 
13195 	 Back in through the window.
13196 	 I listen intently, but all's quiet.
13197 	 **
13198 	 My clothes smell like Mick so I yank them off, crawl into
13199 	 **
13200 	 bed naked. I don't usually sleep in the raw. But I'm high and tired,
13201 	 **
13202 	 and the cool cotton sheets feel like water. I'm skinny-dipping.
13203 	 **
13204 	 Swimming toward deep, deep
13205 	 sleep, and I'm afraid to go there.
13206 	 **
13207 	 Because when I wake up again, it will be tomorrow. The day
13208 	 **
13209 	 everything changes. Better?
13210 	 Worse? Whichever. Looking
13211 	 **
13212 	 back at this afternoon, not to mention tonight, I understand
13213 	 **
13214 	 the transformation is already
13215 	 well underway. And I'm scared.
13216 	 424
13217 	 
13218 	 
13219 	 
13220 	 I Wake to a Hailstorm
13221 	 
13222 	 Of sound:
13223 	 Footsteps.
13224 	 Slams.
13225 	 Some
13226 	 news
13227 	 channel.
13228 	 Daddy.
13229 	 Mom.
13230 	 Furniture
13231 	 scraping
13232 	 Orders .
13233 	 barked.
13234 	 The
13235 	 telephone.
13236 	 The
13237 	 telephone.
13238 	 Dishes
13239 	 crashing.
13240 	 The
13241 	 telephone.
13242 	 The
13243 	 telephone.
13244 	 425
13245 	 
13246 	 
13247 	 
13248 	 Light Through the Window
13249 	 
13250 	 Informs me I've overslept.
13251 	 The clock confirms nine twenty-two.
13252 	 Oh, yeah. Way over. On a normal day,
13253 	 Daddy would have been in here, yanking my butt out of bed.
13254 	 **
13255 	 Oh. but this is not a normal day.
13256 	 **
13257 	 I slink out of bed, naked. Naked?
13258 	 Last night's clothes are heaped on the floor. Last night!
13259 	 Wonder if Mick made it home
13260 	 yet. Wonder if I'll hear from him.
13261 	 **
13262 	 Like he could keep his mouth shut.
13263 	 **
13264 	 Oh, well. Not to worry. If he wants to play rough, I'm up for the game.
13265 	 Meanwhile, I'll bask in the memory of him, moonlight falling on his moon.
13266 	 Shower. Dress. Wade into the madness.
13267 	 **
13268 	 See if anyone even knows I'm here.
13269 	 426
13270 	 
13271 	 
13272 	 
13273 	 No
13274 	 One Has a Clue
13275 	 
13276 	 I emerge from my room, a butterfly from her cocoon, and no one seems a bit
13277 	 concerned about the metamorphosis.
13278 	 I could spread my wings, let them dry, then fly
13279 	 far, far away, and no one
13280 	 would notice my departure.
13281 	 I'm a shadow.
13282 	 Daddy and Mom have
13283 	 retreated to their separate
13284 	 rooms to dress for a joint
13285 	 trip to the polling place, no longer at each other's throats, not until this day settles into dust.
13286 	 Wonder if I should just go to school late, pay my pound of flesh, accept detention without complaint. But how would
13287 	 I get there? Can't exactly
13288 	 call Mick for a ride, and
13289 	 I can't ask my clueless parents.
13290 	 I look out the window. Hannah's
13291 	 home. Delicious. If she'll take
13292 	 me, I can draw a little figurative
13293 	 blood.
13294 	 427
13295 	 
13296 	 
13297 	 
13298 	 
13299 	 
13300 	 Kaeleigh
13301 	 
13302 	 
13303 	 
13304 	 
13305 	 The Dreaded Day
13306 	 
13307 	 Has arrived, and with it total
13308 	 trepidation. Where will my family
13309 	 be, once it's all over? What sort of metamorphosis
13310 	 will we experience? I'm torn in two. I mean, most of me hates
13311 	 everything about my life (except for Ian. of course). I feel like
13312 	 I'm a shadow behind my mother, always
13313 	 there, but rarely acknowledged.
13314 	 I love her the way I always
13315 	 have. How can it be that she no longer
13316 	 wants to be my mom? What
13317 	 have I done? Is it because of
13318 	 Daddy? Does she know about-- and ignore--his taste for young
13319 	 flesh, and not only young flesh, but...
13320 	 No, that can't be. When she heard about Hannah, she flipped, issued an ultimatum, and
13321 	 I'm pretty sure Daddy will at the very least be much more
13322 	 careful about his extramarital fun.
13323 	 Mom is totally out for blood.
13324 	 428
13325 	 
13326 	 
13327 	 
13328 	 Most of Me
13329 	 
13330 	 Does hate my life.
13331 	 But this tiny sliver is more afraid of what
13332 	 life might become than it is of pain, ever-present now.
13333 	 **At least I recognize the boundaries imposed on me. I know how
13334 	 far to push. I know
13335 	 when to step back.
13336 	 I know when to tuck
13337 	 tail and run. I know
13338 	 when not to twitch.
13339 	 **
13340 	 I love my mom, hate
13341 	 when she disappears.
13342 	 I love when she comes
13343 	 home, hate when she hides inside herself.
13344 	 **I hate my father, love
13345 	 when he puts distance between us. I hate
13346 	 how he treats me.
13347 	 Love when he makes
13348 	 me feel loved.
13349 	 429
13350 	 
13351 	 
13352 	 
13353 	 School Is My Refuge
13354 	 
13355 	 At least for today. At least, most of it. Mr. Lawler chooses
13356 	 elections as the topic of the day.
13357 	 Guess who's front and center.
13358 	 **
13359 	 
13360 	 What can you tell us about your
13361 	 
13362 	 
13363 	 mother's political ambitions?
13364 	 he asks, rather pointedly.
13365 	 Has she
13366 	 thought beyond this election?
13367 	 
13368 	 
13369 	 **
13370 	 
13371 	 Is he talking like Mom as president or something? I shrug. "They're her ambitions. You should
13372 	 probably ask her about them."
13373 	 **
13374 	 
13375 	 He smiles.
13376 	 Fair enough. So
13377 	 
13378 	 
13379 	 what about you? How do you
13380 	 
13381 	 
13382 	 feel about your mother running
13383 	 for Congress? Are you proud of her?
13384 	 
13385 	 
13386 	 **
13387 	 
13388 	 I really wish he would quit
13389 	 shining the spotlight on me.
13390 	 How am I supposed to answer?
13391 	 "How else would I feel, Mr. Lawler?"
13392 	 **
13393 	 My tone tells him to change the subject, and he moves on to infamous elections in the distant and not-so-distant past.
13394 	 430
13395 	 
13396 	 
13397 	 
13398 	 I Couldn't Care Less
13399 	 
13400 	 About any election, including the one going on right now.
13401 	 **
13402 	 All I can think about is seeing
13403 	 Ian. We have drama today, so
13404 	 **
13405 	 we'll get to rehearse together.
13406 	 Not that I've had a lot of time
13407 	 **
13408 	 to practice lately. I'll probably
13409 	 blow every line. But at least
13410 	 **
13411 	 the romantic scenes should take on an air of definite credibility.
13412 	 **
13413 	 I'm stuck in thoughts of dramatic
13414 	 interpretation when the door opens.
13415 	 **
13416 	 It's some office intern, with a hall pass.
13417 	 
13418 	 For me.
13419 	 Your mom's here to pick you up.
13420 	 
13421 	 
13422 	 **
13423 	 
13424 	 Everyone stares as I gather my stuff.
13425 	 Mr. Lawler waves me out the door
13426 	 **
13427 	 and resentment builds inside me.
13428 	 I know I'm off to be presented
13429 	 **
13430 	 as familial bling, when all I want is to be left way alone. With Ian.
13431 	 431
13432 	 
13433 	 
13434 	 
13435 	 Bling for a Day
13436 	 
13437 	 That's me. Photo this. Interview
13438 	 that. And every damn word is a lie.
13439 	 **"Of course I'm very excited about my mother's prospects today...."
13440 	 **
13441 	 The whole thing fills me with dread.
13442 	 **
13443 	 "Oh yes, I think she deserves to win.
13444 	 She'll work for positive change...."
13445 	 **
13446 	 For the country, if not for me.
13447 	 **
13448 	 "Well, if she doesn't win, she'll try
13449 	 again, I'm sure. This is her dream...."
13450 	 **
13451 	 Does she still dream? I'm not sure.
13452 	 **
13453 	 "The best part of the experience? I guess
13454 	 seeing politics in action. I've learned a lot...."
13455 	 **
13456 	 There is no best part of this experience.
13457 	 **
13458 	 "The worst part? Having her away so much, I suppose...."
13459 	 **
13460 	 
13461 	 The worst part? That she
13462 	 so
13463 	 wants to go.
13464 	 
13465 	 432
13466 	 
13467 	 
13468 	 
13469 	 The Afternoon Ticks By
13470 	 
13471 	 By eight, when the polls close, the house has filled with people, good Republicans all. I swear,
13472 	 I'm registering Dem. That will
13473 	 make it just that much easier to never vote for my parents.
13474 	 **
13475 	 Daddy is up for reelection in two
13476 	 years, and he's sure working
13477 	 Mom's crowd now. He's not about to play bling when there's so much Money floating around the living room, drinking Dom
13478 	 Pérignon and nibbling canapés.
13479 	 **
13480 	 Ranchers. Winemakers. Small
13481 	 business owners. Developers.
13482 	 All might one day call in favors for the votes they no doubt cast
13483 	 today. Then there are cops.
13484 	 Prison guards. Other judges.
13485 	 **
13486 	 And, oh yes, there's the mayor, a stout, youngish conservative who rubber-stamps growth-- like if he builds enough new
13487 	 neighborhoods, he might actually
13488 	 find a life partner in one of them.
13489 	 433
13490 	 Conspicuously absent is Hannah, who helped pull this shindig
13491 	 together. Guess my big mouth
13492 	 made her fade into the background, at least until Mom takes off again.
13493 	 In hindsight, it was amazingly
13494 	 stupid to delete her from this
13495 	 complicated equation. Idiotic.
13496 	 **
13497 	 Oh. Wait. Here she comes.
13498 	 Glass in hand, Daddy
13499 	 glances at the new arrival.
13500 	 His first reaction is to smile
13501 	 widely. Then he notices Mom, weaving through guests on the far
13502 	 side of the room, and his smile
13503 	 slips ever so slightly. Hannah waves, and Daddy moves toward her.
13504 	 **
13505 	 Mom misses nothing, though she doesn't miss a beat of conversation.
13506 	 But when Daddy reaches Hannah's
13507 	 side, takes her arm, Mom starts in their direction. This evening
13508 	 might get interesting after all.
13509 	 434
13510 	 
13511 	 
13512 	 
13513 	 I Angle Closer
13514 	 
13515 	 The last catfight I witnessed was my own, with Madison.
13516 	 This one should prove more fun.
13517 	 **
13518 	 But, no, Mom remains the steadfast
13519 	 politician. She extends a hand.
13520 	 
13521 	 So lovely to see you again. Ray?
13522 	 
13523 	 
13524 	 **
13525 	 
13526 	 
13527 	 Please get Hannah something to drink.
13528 	 
13529 	 Too subtly for the untrained eye to notice, she extricates Hannah
13530 	 **
13531 	 from Daddy, who ambles toward the bar like a half-trained puppy, glancing back for trainer approval.
13532 	 **
13533 	 I move even closer, knowing
13534 	 Mom is not about to leave
13535 	 things up in the air. I am so right.
13536 	 **
13537 	 
13538 	 I
13539 	 hear you helped organize this
13540 	 
13541 	 
13542 	 evening,
13543 	 she says.
13544 	 Thank you
13545 	 so much.
13546 	 Then, smile slipping not
13547 	 
13548 	 
13549 	 **
13550 	 
13551 	 one inch, she lowers her voice.
13552 	 
13553 	 I
13554 	 also hear the two of you have
13555 	 
13556 	 
13557 	 become rather close. I do hope
13558 	 
13559 	 435
13560 	 
13561 	 you understand the nature of
13562 	 politics. Scandal will not
13563 	 
13564 	 
13565 	 be tolerated. My people will
13566 	 
13567 	 
13568 	 **
13569 	 
13570 	 
13571 	 see to that. Perhaps a mutual
13572 	 
13573 	 
13574 	 decision to move on with
13575 	 your separate lives is wise.
13576 	 
13577 	 
13578 	 **
13579 	 
13580 	 Mom pauses, but Hannah gives no
13581 	 immediate response. I wait for a threat. Instead Mom offers a bribe.
13582 	 **
13583 	 
13584 	 I've told my personal assistant
13585 	 to see what he can do about
13586 	 your outstanding student loans.
13587 	 
13588 	 
13589 	 **
13590 	 
13591 	 Hannah remains quiet for several
13592 	 seconds, as the weight of Mom's
13593 	 words sinks in. She glances over
13594 	 **
13595 	 at Daddy, who has found her a glass of champagne. He smiles, but she doesn't dare smile back.
13596 	 **
13597 	 Before he can rejoin her, she meets Mom's steady gaze.
13598 	 
13599 	 And all she says is,
13600 	 I understand.
13601 	 
13602 	 436
13603 	 
13604 	 
13605 	 
13606 	 She's In Over Her Head
13607 	 
13608 	 And she 100 percent knows it. Mom will kick her figurative butt if she chooses to disregard the overt
13609 	 **
13610 	 warning. Instead, play it smart, come out way, way
13611 	 ahead. Mom, of course, is truly the smart one.
13612 	 **
13613 	 Give Hannah a way out, but make it clear
13614 	 she'd better latch onto it. Run with it. Run.
13615 	 **
13616 	 Funny, because, wrapped up in my
13617 	 own little corner of the universe,
13618 	 **
13619 	 I always thought it was Daddy who carried the power here.
13620 	 **
13621 
13622 	 Now I see how wrong
13623 	 I was. Now I see why
13624 	 **
13625 	 he wields such a big
13626 	 stick when Mom
13627 	 **
13628 	 isn't around. It's the only way he
13629 	 **
13630 	 can feel like even half a
13631 	 **
13632 	 man.
13633 	 437
13634 	 
13635 	 
13636 	 
13637 	 Daddy Returns
13638 	 
13639 	 Offers her the glass of bubbly.
13640 	 I keep my back half to them, at a respectful distance, but close
13641 	 enough to successfully eavesdrop.
13642 	 **
13643 	 
13644 	 Daddy doesn't notice me at all.
13645 	 So what did she have
13646 	 to say?
13647 	 he asks.
13648 	 I assume
13649 	 she issued some sort of threat?
13650 	 
13651 	 
13652 	 **
13653 	 
13654 	 A glance over my shoulder
13655 	 
13656 	 reveals Hannah, sipping Dom and scanning the room.
13657 	 She
13658 	 
13659 	 
13660 	 said to take a hike. What else?
13661 	 
13662 	 
13663 	 **
13664 	 
13665 	 
13666 	 I see.
13667 	 Daddy clears his throat.
13668 	 
13669 	 
13670 	 And do you plan to take orders
13671 	 from my wife? Depending on
13672 	 what happens tonight, she'll
13673 	 --
13674 	 
13675 	 
13676 	 **
13677 	 
13678 	 
13679 	 You said the magic word, Ray
13680 	 --
13681 	 
13682 	 
13683 	 wife. I've always known this would
13684 	 
13685 	 
13686 	 be a temporary fling. This is
13687 	 probably a good time to end it.
13688 	 
13689 	 
13690 	 **
13691 	 
13692 	 She hands her glass to Daddy, kisses him softly on the cheek, starts out the door. He looks like he's going to follow her, but...
13693 	 438
13694 	 
13695 	 
13696 	 
13697 	 Just Then Someone Turns Up
13698 	 
13699 	 The volume on the television, where regular programming
13700 	 has been interrupted for an election update. The polls
13701 	 closed
13702 	 hours ago and returns trickle
13703 	 in. In the Twenty-fourth U.S. Congressional
13704 	 District, Kay Gardella currently
13705 	 leads with 52 percent of the vote.
13706 	 That comes as little surprise to me, of course. A cheer goes up in the room. Unless there's a major turnaround, Mom's
13707 	 got it in the bag. Looks very
13708 	 much like we've lost her for good.
13709 	 I look at Daddy, who is torn between running after Hannah and strutting beside his wife, the likely congresswoman.
13710 	 Guess who wins out. Hannah's
13711 	 gone, he's still here, where the votes
13712 	 are. I so despise politics. Pit
13713 	 them against family. Pit them against love. The Game conquers, always.
13714 	 439
13715 	 
13716 	 
13717 	 
13718 	 
13719 	 
13720 	 Raeanne
13721 	 
13722 	 
13723 	 
13724 	 
13725 	 By Midnight
13726 	 
13727 	 Mom is declared the official
13728 	 winner. Everyone toasts, a final round of good cheer before the bar is closed for the night. Oops. Make that
13729 	 morning. I decide to join them.
13730 	 One more before beddy-bye.
13731 	 Despite several champagnes, sleep will not come easily to me, not tonight. I might have to tap into my pill stash. I ignore the well-wishers and reporters, go to the window. Hannah's lights are out. Wonder if that's over for good, or if Daddy will coax her back.
13732 	 If I were the type to wager,
13733 	 I'd place my bet on Mom.
13734 	 Especially now, despite the fact
13735 	 that before we know it, she'll be
13736 	 gone, off to DC for the foreseeable
13737 	 (and perhaps unforeseeable) future.
13738 	 Who cares? She's not here, even
13739 	 when she is here, now and always.
13740 	 440
13741 	 
13742 	 
13743 	 
13744 	 Kaeleigh Has Withdrawn
13745 	 
13746 	 From the party, crawled away
13747 	 somewhere to sulk and cry.
13748 	 **
13749 	 Not me. Fuck it. The more
13750 	 Mom's gone, the less the stress.
13751 	 **
13752 	 Always plenty of that, nibbling
13753 	 away at us. Who needs more?
13754 	 **
13755 	 And hey, now that this election is over, no more good behavior.
13756 	 **
13757 	 Ha! Like I've behaved so well over the past eleven months.
13758 	 **
13759 	 And, really, with elections every two
13760 	 years, I've only got a year to be bad.
13761 	 **
13762 	 But incumbents generally have the upper hand, so no worries.
13763 	 **
13764 	 Shit, if I don't quit conversing with myself, they'll institutionalize me.
13765 	 **
13766 	 I'm not conversing with myself out loud, am I? Okay, where's the champagne?
13767 	 441
13768 	 
13769 	 
13770 	 
13771 	 I Finally Limp
13772 	 
13773 	 Off to bed around two.
13774 	 No school
13775 	 tomorrow,
13776 	 I figure.
13777 	 We'll still
13778 	 be celebrating.
13779 	 At least Mom
13780 	 definitely will.
13781 	 **
13782 	 I'm celebrating
13783 	 pretty good
13784 	 right now, on two Oxy and enough bubbly to give me
13785 	 hiccups for days.
13786 	 **
13787 	 Oh yeah, I'm
13788 	 floating, okay.
13789 	 But I don't like how it feels. I
13790 	 desperately want
13791 	 solid ground.
13792 	 **
13793 	 Like I've ever
13794 	 even once in my life stood on solid ground.
13795 	 442
13796 	 
13797 	 
13798 	 
13799 	 The Telephone Wakes Me
13800 	 
13801 	 It has rung incessantly, but not
13802 	 enough, it seems, to wake Mom and Daddy, who partied well
13803 	 **
13804 	 into the wee hours of morning.
13805 	 Their phones are likely unplugged.
13806 	 **
13807 	 I drag myself from beneath the covers, head pounding.
13808 	 **
13809 	 "Coming, damn it," I call.
13810 	 Fighting an amazing hangover,
13811 	 I reach the idiotic phone. "Hello?"
13812 	 **
13813 	 Avery long pause precedes,
13814 	 
13815 	 Hello. This is your grandmother.
13816 	 
13817 	 
13818 	 **
13819 	 
13820 	 Another very long pause.
13821 	 Long enough for anger to blossom inside my traitor head.
13822 	 **
13823 	 "Oh, really? Well, it's a little
13824 	 late now, don't you think?"
13825 	 Come on, you old bitch...
13826 	 **
13827 	 
13828 	 Excuse me? A little late for
13829 	 what, exactly? Who is this?
13830 	 
13831 	 443
13832 	 I can't believe I'm rising like this.
13833 	 Who cares, anyway? Loyalty
13834 	 **
13835 	 to my parents? Definitely not me.
13836 	 Still, I continue, "A little late to ask for money. The election's over."
13837 	 **
13838 	 
13839 	 Yes, I realize that. But why on
13840 	 earth would I ask for money?
13841 	 
13842 	 
13843 	 Who told you that, anyway?
13844 	 
13845 	 
13846 	 **
13847 	 
13848 	 "Your ex-husband. He told us
13849 	 you wanted hush money."
13850 	 **
13851 	 
13852 	 My ex-husband? Ted? But
13853 	 
13854 	 
13855 	 why...? W-well. young lady...
13856 	 
13857 	 
13858 	 **
13859 	 
13860 	 
13861 	 A voice, heavy and masculine, falls over my shoulder.
13862 	 Who
13863 	 is that? Daddy.
13864 	 Of course.
13865 	 
13866 	 
13867 	 **
13868 	 
13869 	 I turn to face him, and what I see in his eyes chills me to my core.
13870 	 Don't dare lie. "It's your mother."
13871 	 444
13872 	 
13873 	 
13874 	 
13875 	 Daddy Grabs the Phone
13876 	 
13877 	 Out of my hand, and his intensity
13878 	 makes me back quickly away.
13879 	 If he lashes out, I don't want to be standing in his path.
13880 	 **
13881 	 But no, he's relatively collected.
13882 	 
13883 	 This is Raymond. May I ask
13884 	 
13885 	 
13886 	 exactly why you've been
13887 	 bothering my family with calls?
13888 	 
13889 	 
13890 	 **
13891 	 
13892 	 I can't hear her response, but
13893 	 Daddy's posture goes from wood to pulp. It's like he shrunk sizes. Shrunk years.
13894 	 **
13895 	 
13896 	 He's a small boy, and he's found his mommy again, only he doesn't like the idea.
13897 	 Everyone is just fine.
13898 	 
13899 	 
13900 	 Thanks for your misplaced concern.
13901 	 
13902 	 
13903 	 **
13904 	 
13905 	 Whatever she's saying now hits like hammer blows. His breath
13906 	 comes in short, stuttered bursts, and his teeth crunch together.
13907 	 **
13908 	 
13909 	 "I
13910 	 couldn't care less about your
13911 	 
13912 	 
13913 	 "programs." I will never forgive
13914 	 
13915 	 
13916 	 you, and you will never be welcome
13917 	 in this house. Good-bye, Mother.
13918 	 
13919 	 445
13920 	 
13921 	 
13922 	 
13923 	 Unable to Guess
13924 	 
13925 	 What he'll do next, I start to retreat toward the kitchen.
13926 	 **
13927 	 Daddy pounces, fists clenched.
13928 	 
13929 	 Why did you answer that?
13930 	 
13931 	 
13932 	 **
13933 	 
13934 	 If he weren't so angry, I'd have a smart-ass comeback. But as it
13935 	 **
13936 	 is, I play humble. "It kept ringing, so I thought it might be important."
13937 	 **
13938 	 He draws right up against me.
13939 	 
13940 	 What did she say to you?
13941 	 
13942 	 
13943 	 **
13944 	 
13945 	 "Nothing. Only that she wasn't
13946 	 calling to ask for money."
13947 	 **
13948 	 
13949 	 His muscles relax, but only a little.
13950 	 Are you sure that's all?
13951 	 
13952 	 
13953 	 **
13954 	 
13955 	 "Yes, Daddy, that's all." I finally
13956 	 chance looking into his eyes,
13957 	 **
13958 	 and this time what I find isn't
13959 	 anger. It's--can this be right?
13960 	 **
13961 	 Yes, I'm right. It's fear.
13962 	 446
13963 	 
13964 	 
13965 	 
13966 	 The Bad Thing About Fear
13967 	 
13968 	 Is it requires a reaction. Some hide.
13969 	 Some cry. But, like a dog condemned to a walled yard with no hope of escape or affection, some learn to bite. Daddy is a fear biter.
13970 	 **
13971 	 
13972 	 Lucky for me. Mom seems to sense the approaching maul and comes to my rescue.
13973 	 Good morning.
13974 	 Much too
13975 	 
13976 	 
13977 	 cheerful. Her head rocks back and forth between us.
13978 	 What's going on?
13979 	 
13980 	 
13981 	 **
13982 	 
13983 	 
13984 	 Daddy snaps out of his fugue, into the moment.
13985 	 Seems my
13986 	 
13987 	 
13988 	 prodigal mother managed to get
13989 	 
13990 	 
13991 	 one of her calls answered this
13992 	 
13993 	 
13994 	 morning. I took care of it, though.
13995 	 
13996 	 
13997 	 **
13998 	 
13999 	 The congresswoman-elect
14000 	 searches my face for some
14001 	 
14002 	 kind of sign.
14003 	 Are you okay?
14004 	 
14005 	 At my nod, she detours Daddy.
14006 	 
14007 	 May I speak with you for a moment?
14008 	 
14009 	 
14010 	 **
14011 	 
14012 	 They withdraw to the bedroom and I hustle into the bathroom, determined to reach there before last night's champagne and this
14013 	 morning's turmoil escape my belly.
14014 	 447
14015 	 
14016 	 
14017 	 
14018 	 The Bad Thing About Puking Regularly
14019 	 
14020 	 [in the print book the words on this page are separated in such a way that they form the picture of a champagne flute. The words in each half of each couplet are spaced left to right to form the sides of the glass. The bottom part is the bottom of the glass and then the stem.]
14021 	 Is how you come to rely on it.
14022 	 **
14023 	 Hungover?
14024 	 Go puke.
14025 	 **
14026 	 Feel a bit fat?
14027 	 Go puke.
14028 	 **Confused?
14029 	 Go puke.
14030 	 **
14031 	 Frightened?
14032 	 Go puke.
14033 	 Entire world falling apart?
14034 	 **
14035 	 Hurry up and go puke.
14036 	 **
14037 	 All of the above?
14038 	 **
14039 	 Puke.
14040 	 **
14041 	 Puke.
14042 	 Puke.
14043 	 Puke.
14044 	 And puke some more.
14045 	 448
14046 	 
14047 	 
14048 	 
14049 	 Totally Puked Out
14050 	 
14051 	 Esophagus acid-etched,
14052 	 I'm ready to face the day.
14053 	 **
14054 	 Not.
14055 	 **
14056 	 Despite the insulation of two closed doors and
14057 	 **
14058 	 a hallway,
14059 	 **
14060 	 I can hear Mom and Daddy
14061 	 screaming insults at each
14062 	 **
14063 	 other.
14064 	 **
14065 	 I want her to leave now, leave us within the solace
14066 	 **
14067 	 of silence.
14068 	 **
14069 	 I so need to get high. But Mick,
14070 	 I'm guessing, is no longer
14071 	 **
14072 	 an option.
14073 	 **
14074 	 And that basically leaves one
14075 	 person I can ask for a buzz.
14076 	 **
14077 	 Ty.
14078 	 449
14079 	 
14080 	 
14081 	 
14082 	 I Dial His Number
14083 	 
14084 	 Get only his voice mail.
14085 	 Leave a subtle message.
14086 	 "Please call back as soon as you get this. I so need to hook up with you."
14087 	 **
14088 	 Sounded a bit desperate
14089 	 there. And guess what?
14090 	 I am. Downers are okay,
14091 	 I guess, but it's not like you really enjoy the buzz.
14092 	 Mostly, you sleep through it. What fun is that?
14093 	 **
14094 	 Besides, I need to feel
14095 	 desirable, not like a piece of furniture, something
14096 	 you can sit on. Something
14097 	 that belongs to my mom or my daddy. I need to feel like somebody wants me, even if he wants me for all the wrong reasons.
14098 	 **
14099 	 Mostly, I just need to feel.
14100 	 450
14101 	 
14102 	 
14103 	 
14104 	 But If Ty Wants Me
14105 	 
14106 	 He's playing hard to get.
14107 	 Hours pass without a word. I
14108 	 almost wish I would have
14109 	 gone to school. I wish Mom or Daddy would have asked
14110 	 why
14111 	 I didn't go, but apparently
14112 	 they're both so wrapped up in themselves (and wrapped around each other's throats), it was too much effort to even
14113 	 notice.
14114 	 **
14115 	 All I can think about are two
14116 	 things. One: Ty calling to say
14117 	 he's on his way to pick me up, take me home, and spend
14118 	 hours doing crazy things with me, insane things that will carry
14119 	 us all the way down into hell, and maybe, just maybe, back up again. And two: this morning's
14120 	 phone call. If not for money, why
14121 	 did my grandmother bother to call at all?
14122 	 451
14123 	 
14124 	 
14125 	 
14126 	 
14127 	 
14128 	 Kaeleigh
14129 	 
14130 	 
14131 	 
14132 	 
14133 	 Three Days
14134 	 
14135 	 Since the election and things
14136 	 have finally settled down.
14137 	 Mom left for DC this morning.
14138 	 She and I still have no clue
14139 	 why
14140 	 Grandma Gardella called the other
14141 	 day. We talked about it for a few
14142 	 minutes, which is about all the time she could spare for me. I swear
14143 	 I could run away and she wouldn't
14144 	 notice
14145 	 me gone. Daddy is a different tale.
14146 	 Sometimes I turn around suddenly, sure he's behind me. But he's not.
14147 	 Sometimes, even though I know
14148 	 he's miles away, I feel him watching
14149 	 me, monitoring every move I make, every twitch, every pee, every
14150 	 thought, even. Sometimes, rarely, that makes me feel safe, and that
14151 	 scares me through and through.
14152 	 Will I ever be able to leave Daddy at all?
14153 	 452
14154 	 
14155 	 
14156 	 
14157 	 School Was Crazy
14158 	 
14159 	 For a day or two, like Mom's
14160 	 celebrity had somehow worn off on me. Today is better.
14161 	 **
14162 	 No questions. No jokes.
14163 	 Everything back to normal, at least as normal as things get.
14164 	 **
14165 	 Thank God for Ian, always
14166 	 my reality check. And often, my voice of reason. I guess
14167 	 **
14168 	 it's good to have a conscience
14169 	 hanging around somewhere.
14170 	 The fact that he happens to be
14171 	 **
14172 	 a great kisser is a definite bonus.
14173 	 At least as long as those strange
14174 	 feelings about my father,
14175 	 **
14176 	 and how he can see beyond the miles, don't happen to prove
14177 	 true. Then, considering how much
14178 	 **
14179 	 kissing has gone on between Ian and me today, I'm toast. If so, the kissing was worth every crumb.
14180 	 453
14181 	 
14182 	 
14183 	 
14184 	 One Thing Kind of Weird, Though
14185 	 
14186 	 As hot as our kissing gets (and it gets pretty intense), Ian has not
14187 	 tried to take things further. Once or twice, his hands have strayed to certain places, places that made
14188 	 me want a lot more than kissing.
14189 	 **
14190 	 But he always pulls back, intuiting
14191 	 that, much as I might want more,
14192 	 I'm really not ready to give myself to him in that way. All the way.
14193 	 Not yet. Everything has to be right.
14194 	 In place. Hopeful. Fearless. Perfect.
14195 	 **
14196 	 He drives me home now and my
14197 	 heart beats against his back, promising
14198 	 "I do love you. I do love you. I do..."
14199 	 He stops around the corner from home, out of sight of our windows, of Hannah's windows (just in case).
14200 	 **
14201 	 We are well ahead of the school bus.
14202 	 We'll let it go by before I walk on home. Daddy took the week off.
14203 	 Who knows where he's at, or what
14204 	 he's doing? Even this is risky, and we both know it. Don't care.
14205 	 454
14206 	 
14207 	 
14208 	 
14209 	 At Last the Bus goes By
14210 	 
14211 	 I haven't much time, at least
14212 	 not if Daddy is home, aware.
14213 	 **
14214 	 I press myself into Ian, try to absorb enough of him to get
14215 	 **
14216 	 me through the long night without him. He doesn't need
14217 	 **
14218 	 the words, but I offer them
14219 	 anyway. "I love you so much.
14220 	 **
14221 	 More than life itself. I'd be a total wreck without you."
14222 	 **
14223 	 He looks into my eyes, smiles.
14224 	 
14225 	 I
14226 	 know. I feel the same way.
14227 	 
14228 	 
14229 	 **
14230 	 
14231 	 My head shakes automatically.
14232 	 "You're so together. You don't
14233 	 **
14234 	 need me to keep you that way.
14235 	 But you are my glue. Without
14236 	 **
14237 	 you, I'd be nothing but broken
14238 	 pieces. Completely useless."
14239 	 **
14240 	 
14241 	 Never useless, Kaeleigh. And
14242 	 
14243 	 
14244 	 you're stronger than you know.
14245 	 
14246 	 455
14247 	 
14248 	 
14249 	 
14250 	 I Try to Keep That in Mind
14251 	 
14252 	 As I arrive home. With Mom gone, the house wears its usual aura of hushed nonwelcome. I focus on Ian as I tread quietly to my room.
14253 	 **
14254 	 Daddy is home, his bedroom
14255 	 door open a crack, and through it leaks his voice, thick already with his usual escapes.
14256 	 **
14257 	 
14258 	 C-c'mon, Hannah. Y-you don't
14259 	 
14260 	 
14261 	 mean it. She's gone and might
14262 	 
14263 	 
14264 	 not ever come back to me.
14265 	 
14266 	 
14267 	 I n-need to see you. N-need you.
14268 	 
14269 	 
14270 	 **
14271 	 
14272 	 Wow. Things went deeper than I thought. I almost
14273 	 feel sorry for Daddy. Almost.
14274 	 Not like he deserves anyone.
14275 	 **
14276 	 
14277 	 P-please. Hannah. D-don't
14278 	 
14279 	 
14280 	 leave me, just like everyone
14281 	 
14282 	 
14283 	 else. Please!
14284 	 Several silent
14285 	 
14286 	 seconds pass before a solid
14287 	 **
14288 	 
14289 	 clunk
14290 	 tells me the phone has
14291 	 
14292 	 fallen against the floor. And, sequestered in his dark, lonely
14293 	 cell, Daddy is sobbing.
14294 	 456
14295 	 
14296 	 
14297 	 
14298 	 I Close My Door
14299 	 
14300 	 Turn on my music, slip
14301 	 headphones over my ears. I don't
14302 	 want to hear him cry.
14303 	 **
14304 	 He's a sad, sick man, who deserves every tear, at least that's
14305 	 what I want to think.
14306 	 **
14307 	 I'm shredded, wrecked.
14308 	 Completely confused because as much as I hate him most
14309 	 **
14310 	 of the time, every now and then, a sliver of love for Daddy
14311 	 embeds itself in my heart.
14312 	 **
14313 	 Hard to tell who's more
14314 	 messed up. Daddy? Or me? And, much as it's the end result
14315 	 **
14316 	 that affects me every day,
14317 	 I really have to wonder who or what
14318 	 made Daddy become this way.
14319 	 **
14320 	 Babies aren't born cruel or filled with sick desire. Evil is not
14321 	 intrinsic. It's fashioned.
14322 	 457
14323 	 
14324 	 
14325 	 
14326 	 Soundless as a Shadow
14327 	 
14328 	 I stay in my room all evening.
14329 	 Drawing any sort of attention to myself would be an enormous
14330 	 mistake. Shh! Turn off the music.
14331 	 **
14332 	 Every now and again, Daddy
14333 	 leaves his own room, on a Turkey
14334 	 hunt. Staccato footsteps accompany his muttered threats and pleas.
14335 	 **
14336 	 
14337 	 You can't leave me. I won't
14338 	 
14339 	 
14340 	 let you. I'm not a little boy
14341 	 
14342 	 
14343 	 anymore. I'll go after you.
14344 	 
14345 	 
14346 	 Please. Don't leave me!
14347 	 
14348 	 
14349 	 **
14350 	 
14351 	 I keep the bedside lamp
14352 	 very low. It sheds a pale, wheat-colored light, barely
14353 	 enough to read by. Not
14354 	 **
14355 	 that I can concentrate on the words. Mostly what I'm
14356 	 doing is praying Daddy slips into substance-fed slumber.
14357 	 458
14358 	 
14359 	 
14360 	 
14361 	 Back and Forth
14362 	 
14363 	 He goes, bedroom to bar. Why
14364 	 doesn't he just take the bottle
14365 	 **
14366 	 with him? It comes to me with sudden clarity that his pacing
14367 	 **
14368 	 carries him by my room twice
14369 	 every round-trip. I extinguish
14370 	 **
14371 	 my light, hunker down in my
14372 	 bed, as if hiding there might
14373 	 **
14374 	 somehow influence him to keep on going. Going. Please go on by.
14375 	 **
14376 	 This trip is to the Turkey, and it seems to take a very long time.
14377 	 **
14378 	 Maybe he fell asleep in the living
14379 	 room. I start to relax, just a little.
14380 	 **
14381 	 And then I hear him, unsteady in the hall. One, two. Three, four...
14382 	 **
14383 	 He pauses outside my door.
14384 	 This time, the knob turns.
14385 	 **
14386 	 And I know why he's here. I'm the only one who doesn't dare run.
14387 	 459
14388 	 
14389 	 
14390 	 
14391 	 I Want to Shout
14392 	 
14393 	 Leave me alone!
14394 	 What's wrong with you?
14395 	 Don't you remember who I am? Who you are?
14396 	 This is not a father's love!
14397 	 I want to scream,
14398 	 Can't you see what
14399 	 you are doing to me?
14400 	 What you've done to me?
14401 	 What you've made of me?
14402 	 I want to cry out,
14403 	 I am your little girl.
14404 	 I am not your girlfriend.
14405 	 I am not your whore.
14406 	 I am not my fucking mother!
14407 	 But he is on top of me and my shout is silenced.
14408 	 He is inside of me and my scream stays
14409 	 there too. He is finished.
14410 	 And I don't cry out, but I do cry a bucket of silent tears. He slithers
14411 	 away and at last, I quietly sob
14412 	 no
14413 	 no.
14414 	 460
14415 	 
14416 	 
14417 	 
14418 	 He Says Not
14419 	 a Word
14420 	 
14421 	 
14422 	 Except a whispered
14423 	 I love you.
14424 	 
14425 	 And as he exits, an almost-silent something
14426 	 
14427 	 half-sounding like
14428 	 I'm sorry.
14429 	 
14430 	 
14431 	 **
14432 	 
14433 	 Is he? How can he do this despicable
14434 	 thing to me, expect
14435 	 me to believe he's the slightest bit sorry?
14436 	 **
14437 	 
14438 	 Once, after an extended "visit," he pushed himself up above me, dared to slur,
14439 	 Forgive me. Not my fault.
14440 	 
14441 	 
14442 	 **
14443 	 
14444 	 Whose fault, then? Mine? All I ever did was try and make
14445 	 him feel forgiven. Healed. Accepted. Loved.
14446 	 **
14447 	 Mom's fault? Maybe. But why, then, does he still want her? Still want to love her, with or without sex?
14448 	 **
14449 	 Hannah's fault? Someone else's? What
14450 	 unidentified ghost, wearing Daddy's face, might come to me?
14451 	 **
14452 	 Most of me doesn't care, just
14453 	 wants him to leave me the hell alone. A tiny
14454 	 part of me demands to know.
14455 	 461
14456 	 Are exhausted. Too little sleep.
14457 	 Much too much unsolicited attention.
14458 	 
14459 	 It
14460 	 is
14461 	 unsolicited, isn't it? I don't ask for it (maybe subconsciously), do I?
14462 	 
14463 	 Stop it! Can't think like that, even for a instant, or go completely insane.
14464 	 **
14465 	 My body aches. My brain aches more.
14466 	 But I have to get up and go to work.
14467 	 At least I won't have to share a table, share a couch, a room, a house, pretending last night didn't happen.
14468 	 I've done a lot of pretending.
14469 	 **
14470 	 I pry myself from between the covers, limp off to the shower, hoping fifteen minutes of hot steam and fragranced vapors can wash away the scum. Scrub away the disgust.
14471 	 **
14472 	 Cleansed but not refreshed, I dress in simple jeans and an unadorned T-shirt, apply no hint of makeup. I want no
14473 	 attention, no compliments, no come- on nor get-off smiles. I want to be
14474 	 Mother Teresa, helping the elderly.
14475 	 Okay, it's a ridiculous fantasy, but one I desperately need right now.
14476 	 462
14477 	 
14478 	 
14479 	 
14480 	 Enveloped by November Fog
14481 	 
14482 	 I walk to work. Slowly.
14483 	 I see now, more than ever.
14484 	 **
14485 	 that I belong to Daddy.
14486 	 My father is my keeper.
14487 	 **
14488 	 I can never escape to Ian.
14489 	 Ian was only a fantasy.
14490 	 **
14491 	 Beautiful make-believe.
14492 	 A movie poster to focus
14493 	 **
14494 	 on when I have to hide
14495 	 out inside my own head.
14496 	 **
14497 	 By the time I reach the old folks' home,
14498 	 **
14499 	 I realize I have to break
14500 	 things off with Ian,
14501 	 **
14502 	 Not fair to let him keep
14503 	 thinking we have a future.
14504 	 **
14505 	 Not fair to me to play
14506 	 this game any longer.
14507 	 **
14508 	 I go inside, drowning.
14509 	 Crying, inside and out
14510 	 463
14511 	 
14512 	 
14513 	 
14514 	 The First Face I See
14515 	 
14516 	 Belongs to William. He can't
14517 	 help but notice the state I'm in.
14518 	 
14519 	 Straightaway, he puts an arm around my shoulder.
14520 	 You okay?
14521 	 
14522 	 
14523 	 **
14524 	 
14525 	 I yank away from his touch, like he's fresh from the oven.
14526 	 My muscles twitch, quiver, begin to shake uncontrollably.
14527 	 **
14528 	 Greta, nearby, rushes to my
14529 	 side, latches onto my elbow.
14530 	 
14531 	 Come with me. No ifs, ands,
14532 	 or buts about it, young lady.
14533 	 
14534 	 
14535 	 **
14536 	 
14537 	 Next thing I know, I'm in Greta's
14538 	 room, on her bed, tissue in hand.
14539 	 
14540 	 I
14541 	 think it's time you told me
14542 	 
14543 	 
14544 	 this deep, dark secret of yours.
14545 	 
14546 	 
14547 	 **
14548 	 
14549 	 Oh, how wonderful it would be to break down. Confess. "I can't."
14550 	 
14551 	 This has to do with your family.
14552 	 
14553 	 
14554 	 yes? Perhaps with your father?
14555 	 
14556 	 
14557 	 **
14558 	 
14559 	 Any hint of composure vanishes in a tremendous hailstorm of tears,
14560 	 
14561 	 Greta sits beside me.
14562 	 I should
14563 	 
14564 	 
14565 	 have told you my story before..
14566 	 
14567 	 464
14568 	 
14569 	 
14570 	 
14571 	 Her Voice Softens
14572 	 
14573 	 Remember once, I told you I met evil
14574 	 when I was very small? My Satan was a butcher, tall, heavyset, and the face he wore looked exactly like mine. He was my father, and he believed he owned me.
14575 	 **
14576 	 A gasp escapes my best effort to hold it inside me.
14577 	 **
14578 	 
14579 	 Greta continues.
14580 	 He would come
14581 	 
14582 	 home from his butcher shop, rank with blood and fat. Often he stripped without washing, and he would call me into his bedroom, a calf to slaughter.
14583 	 **
14584 	 I was expected to bring a wash
14585 	 
14586 	 basin and soap. "Cleanse me,
14587 	 " he would say. "Take the stench
14588 	 
14589 	 away." Hands. Arms. Feet. Legs.
14590 	 And by the time I reached the place
14591 	 **
14592 	 between them, he would be stiff.
14593 	 And then he would tell me how to touch him before he laid
14594 	 me on the bed and did the thing
14595 	 no father should do to his child....
14596 	 465
14597 	 I cannot believe she's telling
14598 	 me this. Cannot believe this
14599 	 beautiful, strong woman ever
14600 	 suffered this thing.
14601 	 **
14602 	 When I met my Lars. I loved his gentle way, loved how he never demanded. I told you my
14603 	 father found us together, beat me because of it. and I was afraid he would beat Lars. too.
14604 	 **
14605 	 But Lars didn't care. He asked
14606 	 me to marry him, and I so wanted
14607 	 to, but could not imagine sharing a bed with any man. Pleasure from sex? Never! When I said no,
14608 	 Lars went off to soldier.
14609 	 **
14610 	 How I regretted that decision.
14611 	 Later, my father arranged a marriage to a man no better than he. But that is another story.
14612 	 And now. if you will, I think you
14613 	 should share your story with me.
14614 	 466
14615 	 
14616 	 
14617 	 
14618 	 Oh, How I Want To
14619 	 
14620 	 But Daddy would kill me, and get away with it. I can't
14621 	 ever tell, not even to someone
14622 	 else who has had
14623 	 sex
14624 	 forced on her by her father.
14625 	 What if I ask for it somehow, maybe subconsciously? Being
14626 	 brutally honest with myself, it feels good.
14627 	 How can that be? Not that
14628 	 there's any joy in it. Unlike Greta,
14629 	 I want to know joyous sex.
14630 	 It does exist outside of books, doesn't
14631 	 it? I want sex laced with love, and not warped parental
14632 	 love, but the honest kind.
14633 	 I want sex that makes me
14634 	 feel right, not like some freak, some inbred
14635 	 monstrosity. I'm not, am I?
14636 	 Damn it, I really don't know.
14637 	 Will it one day be revealed that Mom is actually my grandmother? OMG, could there be even deeper secrets
14638 	 that can't be unearthed, never
14639 	 ever?
14640 	 467
14641 	 
14642 	 
14643 	 
14644 	 
14645 	 
14646 	 Raeanne
14647 	 
14648 	 
14649 	 
14650 	 
14651 	 IMH(not)O
14652 	 
14653 	 In my not-so-humble opinion,
14654 	 Kaeleigh definitely asks for it.
14655 	 Feigned innocence invites
14656 	 sex
14657 	 more than a frank come-on does.
14658 	 Anyway, she tries to pretend she doesn't like it, but it feels good and she knows it. Feels good with Mick, although that particular
14659 	 chapter of my life is definitely over.
14660 	 Even if he has forgiven the whole
14661 	 truck episode, I prefer a guy who doesn't
14662 	 have another girlfriend spoiling for trouble. Someone like Ty, maybe.
14663 	 Sex feels great with him, too.
14664 	 I guess it might be nice for sex to feel right, like the person you're with might even love you. But hey,
14665 	 I'm not exactly sold on the idea
14666 	 that love is, in fact. real.
14667 	 Will it find me one day, overtake
14668 	 me, infiltrate my life like sunlight
14669 	 snakes through the cold of morning?
14670 	 Can love thaw me? Will it ever?
14671 	 468
14672 	 
14673 	 
14674 	 
14675 	 I'm Not Even Sure
14676 	 
14677 	 [the words on this page are arranged in such a way that they form two hearts that are cut off at the top, i.e., they are the bottom thirds of hearts.]
14678 	 What love is, or just what it's supposed to be. They say you learn by example. But no one has
14679 	 set one for me. I only love one person on this entire
14680 	 planet. And he only loves Kaeleigh. My daddy loves
14681 	 Kaeleigh. Ian loves Kaeleigh. And she's incapable of loving either of them back. What a waste.
14682 	 She only loves Mom. What in the hell is wrong with her, anyway?
14683 	 **
14684 	 Then again, I know something about our mother that Kaeleigh can't quite recall, and if she did, she'd probably dive off a very tall bridge, into shallow water. Stop! Can't think about that
14685 	 now, or I'll have to join Kaeleigh, jump into ultimate freedom. I must admit I have
14686 	 considered that leap from time to time. But I'm afraid to die loveless.
14687 	 469
14688 	 
14689 	 
14690 	 
14691 	 Afraid to Die Loveless
14692 	 
14693 	 Because
14694 	 I think if
14695 	 you die
14696 	 without
14697 	 knowing
14698 	 **
14699 	 love in this life, that's how
14700 	 you'll
14701 	 spend
14702 	 eternity.
14703 	 **
14704 	 Alone.
14705 	 Frozen.
14706 	 **
14707 	 Do you
14708 	 think hell is fiery?
14709 	 **
14710 	 I don't.
14711 	 I think
14712 	 hell is frozen.
14713 	 470
14714 	 
14715 	 
14716 	 
14717 	 Before the Other Night
14718 	 
14719 	 It was a while since Daddy went to Kaeleigh, saturated with misguided
14720 	 love and the overwhelming need to own her completely. To prove he owns her completely. Prove it to her. Prove it to himself.
14721 	 **
14722 	 He can never own me. Maybe
14723 	 that's why he doesn't bother me.
14724 	 I can give myself to whomever
14725 	 I please, in anyway I damn
14726 	 well choose. Key word: choose.
14727 	 If I say okay, well then it is.
14728 	 **
14729 	 I wonder what will happen to Daddy when we turn eighteen and Kaeleigh can move away.
14730 	 I wonder, codependent as she seems to be on their sick
14731 	 relationship, if she ever will.
14732 	 **
14733 	 No one will even notice when
14734 	 I go. I'd leave now, but if I did,
14735 	 Kaeleigh would have no one but Ian. And sorry, but the odds are long that he'll hang around.
14736 	 Too many easier scores.
14737 	 471
14738 	 
14739 	 
14740 	 
14741 	 Being Easier
14742 	 
14743 	 Isn't really such a bad thing.
14744 	 It can get you what you want.
14745 	 **
14746 	 Yeah, yeah, I know what
14747 	 they call someone who barters
14748 	 **
14749 	 her body in exchange for something she wants, A wife!
14750 	 **
14751 	 Get it? Okay, never mind.
14752 	 But it doesn't bother me to use
14753 	 **
14754 	 the one thing I've got that's
14755 	 mine, all mine, to get what
14756 	 **
14757 	 I want. Drugs. Liquor. Fun.
14758 	 Not like there's a whole lot
14759 	 **
14760 	 of that where I live. More
14761 	 drugs. Better drugs. Maybe
14762 	 **
14763 	 it's time to graduate from pot, hash, and pills to something
14764 	 **
14765 	 stronger. That opiated stuff was great. Wonder what heroin
14766 	 **
14767 	 is like. I hear it drops you way
14768 	 down, where pain can't find you.
14769 	 472
14770 	 
14771 	 
14772 	 
14773 	 Any Drugs
14774 	 
14775 	 Would be good right this moment.
14776 	 Heroin. Cocaine. Maybe ecstasy.
14777 	 Not too sure about psychedelics.
14778 	 **
14779 	 They say acid and 'shrooms
14780 	 make you look inside your own head, help you learn about yourself.
14781 	 **
14782 	 Sorry, not interested. I'm afraid
14783 	 if I looked inside my head, I'd
14784 	 find something really scary.
14785 	 **
14786 	 Maybe if I walk into town I'll run into some way to score. Ty never
14787 	 called back. He's probably pissed
14788 	 **
14789 	 'cause I took so long to call him.
14790 	 Or maybe he found someone else, although I doubt he fell in love and
14791 	 **
14792 	 changed his bachelor ways. Way too into himself, not the type to move in a habitual keeper, love or no love.
14793 	 **
14794 	 No love to us, I'd still like to see
14795 	 Ty. It's been a long week with nothing to smoke. I'll call him again.
14796 	 473
14797 	 
14798 	 
14799 	 
14800 	 The Biggest Surprise
14801 	 
14802 	 Of the week was not hearing a word from or about Mick.
14803 	 **
14804 	 I expected a call, at the very least, telling me what a bitch I am.
14805 	 **
14806 	 What I really expected was a knock on the door from a tan uniform,
14807 	 **
14808 	 a trip to juvie, and major dishonor to Judge Raymond Gardella, not to
14809 	 **
14810 	 mention his wife, the incoming
14811 	 freshman congresswoman. Phew!
14812 	 **
14813 	 But no. Nada. Nothing. Not a hint of a problem. Maybe I should call
14814 	 **
14815 	 Mick, apologize. Would he forgive
14816 	 me? Pick me up? Share a doob?
14817 	 **
14818 	 
14819 	 I mean, really, it
14820 	 was
14821 	 his fault. Maybe
14822 	 
14823 	 that's why he didn't make trouble.
14824 	 **
14825 	 Okay, I'm treading a fantasy--Mick, in my control, A shitload of bud. And me.
14826 	 474
14827 	 
14828 	 
14829 	 
14830 	 But It Isn't Mick
14831 	 
14832 	 Who comes idling up beside me at the midtown park where
14833 	 I spent the afternoon spying on tourists for sheer amusement value.
14834 	 **
14835 	 No, it isn't a big 4x4 that stops.
14836 	 In fact, it only has two wheels.
14837 	 Tuned and well-fed, Ian's Yamaha
14838 	 
14839 	 hums contentedly.
14840 	 Ride?
14841 	 
14842 	 
14843 	 **
14844 	 
14845 	 I know he can't have confused me with Kaeleigh, who would not
14846 	 
14847 	 be happy to know Ian gave
14848 	 me
14849 	 a ride
14850 	 
14851 	 home. Like I care. "Sure."
14852 	 **
14853 	 He hands me his spare helmet, slides forward to make room, and as
14854 	 I slide my arms around him, I wonder
14855 	 if he might think I'm Kaeleigh after all
14856 	 **
14857 	 Nah. He knows her too well.
14858 	 Doesn't he? One way to find out.
14859 	 I make my voice all sweet.
14860 	 "Take me for a cruise?"
14861 	 **
14862 	 He pauses, tenses. Definitely
14863 	 
14864 	 confused. Then he shakes his head. Relaxes a level, but not completely.
14865 	 Where to?
14866 	 
14867 	 475
14868 	 
14869 	 
14870 	 
14871 	 Highway 154
14872 	 
14873 	 [the lines on this page, in groups, in the print book zig zag]
14874 	 Takes you all the way to Santa Barbara. It winds past cattle ranches and Lake
14875 	 Cachuma before cresting
14876 	 The San Marcos Pass and snaking down over the mountain. Just as you
14877 	 drop, you can turn off on the potholed road to Cold
14878 	 Spring Tavern. That's where
14879 	 I asked to go. I love it there, where history looms large in the oak-decked beauty of old California. It's late
14880 	 afternoon, and I find myself
14881 	 wishing I had a heavier jacket.
14882 	 I bury my face into Ian, inhale
14883 	 warmth and perfume of leather.
14884 	 Something very much like contentment threatens my
14885 	 equilibrium. Does Kaeleigh
14886 	 have a clue what she has here?
14887 	 476
14888 	 
14889 	 
14890 	 
14891 	 Longing Lunges
14892 	 
14893 	 With sudden ferocity.
14894 	 What is wrong with me?
14895 	 I can't. Can't. Won't. Will I?
14896 	 **
14897 	 Ian pulls into a narrow
14898 	 parking space beside the road.
14899 	 
14900 	 Walk with me?
14901 	 He reaches
14902 	 
14903 	 
14904 	 **
14905 	 
14906 	 
14907 	 for my hand and it dawns on me. He
14908 	 does
14909 	 think I'm
14910 	 
14911 	 Kaeleigh. How I want to be.
14912 	 **
14913 	 I should tell him. Have to tell
14914 	 him, but my hand, tucked
14915 	 neatly into his, is so warm.
14916 	 **
14917 	 I let it stay there as we work
14918 	 our way along a narrow trail.
14919 	 So much love, in the palm
14920 	 **
14921 	 of his hand, folded around mine.
14922 	 Oh, Kaeleigh. Don't you get it?
14923 	 Oh, Kaeleigh. To be his!
14924 	 **
14925 	 I'm not even drunk, not stoned, not buzzed on pills. Perfectly
14926 	 straight, still I'm reeling.
14927 	 477
14928 	 I should tell him. Have to tell
14929 	 him. But, hidden by forest, far from prying eyes,
14930 	 **
14931 	 he pulls me against him. My
14932 	 head falls into his chest and I
14933 	 listen to the rhythm of his heart.
14934 	 **
14935 	 I look up into his eyes, find the kind of love there
14936 	 I hunger for. Love, not meant
14937 	 **
14938 	 for me. I vow to absorb it anyway, hold on to it as long as I can, even if for only a few
14939 	 **
14940 	 seconds. I want to kiss him.
14941 	 Am going to kiss him, though
14942 	 I know if I do, he'll realize
14943 	 **
14944 	 he's not kissing Kaeleigh.
14945 	 Hey, maybe he'll fall out of love with her, and into
14946 	 **
14947 	 love with me. So I stand on my tiptoes, reach up for his lips with my own.
14948 	 478
14949 	 
14950 	 
14951 	 
14952 	 Yes, Every Kiss
14953 	 Is
14954 	 Different
14955 	 
14956 	 And this is a kiss like none before, a kiss
14957 	 that could overcome the dark of deep space night. It's a falling
14958 	 star, flame, ice. It's pure as water from a snow-fed mountain
14959 	 spring. This is what you dream a kiss to be. To have a kiss just like this each and every day! How satisfying life would be.
14960 	 Oh, Kaeleigh. Never let.......this man.......get away.
14961 	 Ian is.......the key.......to your.......salvation.
14962 	 479
14963 	 
14964 	 
14965 	 
14966 	 Ian Moans
14967 	 
14968 	 And that ignites a flame just below my belly button. This is so wrong, but I don't care.
14969 	 **
14970 	 Ian is also on fire. But when
14971 	 I reach down to touch him the way every guy wants,
14972 	 **
14973 	 
14974 	 he draws back.
14975 	 Wait.
14976 	 
14977 	 
14978 	 **
14979 	 
14980 	 "Please, Ian? I want you."
14981 	 **
14982 	 He shakes his head.
14983 	 
14984 	 What's wrong with you?
14985 	 
14986 	 
14987 	 **
14988 	 
14989 	 Wrong? Everything's right.
14990 	 I try to kiss him again.
14991 	 **
14992 	 He pulls away, eyes betraying
14993 	 
14994 	 confusion.
14995 	 You're not Kaeleigh.
14996 	 
14997 	 
14998 	 **
14999 	 
15000 	 He knows, of course he does.
15001 	 I'll make him want me. I fall to my knees in front of him. "Just let me..."
15002 	 **
15003 	 
15004 	 No! I can't. This isn't right.
15005 	 
15006 	 He turns, stalks off, down the trail.
15007 	 **
15008 	 I can do is follow.
15009 	 480
15010 	 
15011 	 
15012 	 
15013 	 Ian's Sense
15014 	 
15015 	 Of right and wrong
15016 	 overwhelms me. Not a single other person
15017 	 I know
15018 	 possesses such an unshakable
15019 	 sense of morality. It's more than unbelievable.
15020 	 It's frightening.
15021 	 To offer without strings
15022 	 something all men crave, and be rejected by him is incomprehensible.
15023 	 Think I'll have to kick
15024 	 Kaeleigh's ass. Does she have
15025 	 any idea what it means to be so treasured? He has built a pedestal for her so tall
15026 	 that she is afraid to be
15027 	 lifted
15028 	 atop it, because to fall
15029 	 would mean certain death.
15030 	 But oh, she would rise far, far beyond fear and be held by arms so strong, and love so pure, that
15031 	 falling would not be an option.
15032 	 481
15033 	 
15034 	 
15035 	 
15036 	 
15037 	 
15038 	 Kaeleigh
15039 	 
15040 	 
15041 	 
15042 	 
15043 	 Falling
15044 	 
15045 	 Is such an unpleasant sensation.
15046 	 I'm falling now, down through a dark blue opiate sea, and
15047 	 I know
15048 	 it's all up to me. Sink or swim?
15049 	 I know how to swim, have practiced the dead man's float for years, but it's frightening
15050 	 how much I just want to drown in this undertow of booze and pills.
15051 	 I drank a lot tonight, ingested an incomprehensible
15052 	 amount of painkillers, some
15053 	 borrowed from Daddy, the rest
15054 	 pilfered from old Sam, who seems to be
15055 	 suffering a lot from his arthritis.
15056 	 His nightstand is a pharmacy.
15057 	 I doubt he even noticed I
15058 	 lifted a handful of Percodans. Lucky me,
15059 	 Daddy had to work this weekend.
15060 	 By the time he gets home, I'll be beyond fear and well past saving.
15061 	 I'm falling now, down, down through indigo....
15062 	 482
15063 	 
15064 	 
15065 	 
15066 	 Tick-Tock
15067 	 
15068 	 Through the thickening
15069 	 vespers the clock on my wall
15070 	 whispers.
15071 	 **
15072 	 
15073 	 Tick-tick. Tock-tock.
15074 	 
15075 	 Intones the passage of time.
15076 	 Drones.
15077 	 **
15078 	 Inhale. Everything
15079 	 slows.
15080 	 Exhale. The exchange
15081 	 shallows.
15082 	 **
15083 	 
15084 	 Heartbeats mimic,
15085 	 tick-tick.
15086 	 
15087 	 
15088 	 Become erratic, stutter,
15089 	 t-t-tock.
15090 	 
15091 	 
15092 	 **
15093 	 
15094 	 Through the indigo.
15095 	 Down.
15096 	 Gradual motion.
15097 	 I drown.
15098 	 483
15099 	 
15100 	 
15101 	 
15102 	 A Voice
15103 	 
15104 	 Echoes inside my brain.
15105 	 A little girl's voice.
15106 	 **
15107 	 
15108 	 Get up. When you fall
15109 	 
15110 	 
15111 	 down, you gotta get up.
15112 	 
15113 	 It's Raeanne, and I am with her on the playground.
15114 	 **
15115 	 I am lying beside the merry-
15116 	 go-round, head spinning.
15117 	 **
15118 	 
15119 	 I hate when you be a baby.
15120 	 
15121 	 
15122 	 Oooh. Lookie. You're bleeding.
15123 	 
15124 	 **
15125 	 Scarlet oozes from a slice on one skinned knee.
15126 	 
15127 	 Stop crying! I hate
15128 	 
15129 	 
15130 	 when you cry. Mommy! Mom...
15131 	 
15132 	 Now her voice changes, hardens, sedimentary stone.
15133 	 
15134 	 Stop whining, Kaeleigh, or I'll
15135 	 
15136 	 
15137 	 have to kick your ass.
15138 	 
15139 	 **
15140 	 She sounds like me. Looks like me. Identical.
15141 	 **
15142 	 
15143 	 Goddammit. I'm going for help.
15144 	 
15145 	 
15146 	 I'll kick your ass later.
15147 	 
15148 	 484
15149 	 
15150 	 
15151 	 
15152 	 Another Voice
15153 	 
15154 	 Trails the slam of a door. Door?
15155 	 Down here? How can a door slam in so much water? So much deep,
15156 	 **
15157 	 
15158 	 dark ocean?
15159 	 Hello? Anyone home?
15160 	 
15161 	 Obnoxious. Intrusive. A lifeline.
15162 	 **
15163 	 Footsteps. Twenty to his bed. Twelve to mine. I don't want to count them.
15164 	 Can't help it. One, two. Doesn't matter.
15165 	 **
15166 	 Three, four. Can't get me here.
15167 	 Five, six. Quick! Hide! Seven, eight.
15168 	 **
15169 	 To hide I have to swim. Nine, ten. No
15170 	 way to swim but up. Eleven, twelve.
15171 	 The feet stop moving, and even this far
15172 	 **
15173 	 underwater, I hear a door snitch open.
15174 	 
15175 	 Kaeleigh? Kaeleigh! What have you done?
15176 	 
15177 	 
15178 	 **
15179 	 
15180 	 
15181 	 Up through the indigo, I am lifted.
15182 	 Wake
15183 	 
15184 	 
15185 	 up, Kaeleigh. Come back to me right now!
15186 	 
15187 	 Sharp strikes against my cheeks.
15188 	 **
15189 	 Sudden tears. My eyes want to float open.
15190 	 But I won't let them. Won't see him.
15191 	 485
15192 	 
15193 	 
15194 	 
15195 	 I Fall Again
15196 	 
15197 	 This time, I land in a soft swirl of lavender, like the ocean at sunset
15198 	 just after downpour. Beautiful.
15199 	 **
15200 	 Can I stay here? Forever? Lapping against the beach, playing with the sand. Frothing against the shore.
15201 	 **
15202 	 Footsteps again. They slap tile.
15203 	 Running away from me.
15204 	 Good-bye feet. Good-bye.
15205 	 **
15206 	 I am sinking. I can end it here.
15207 	 But if I'm going to drown, I have to go fast. Before the feet come back.
15208 	 486
15209 	 
15210 	 
15211 	 
15212 	 I Let Out All My Breath
15213 	 
15214 	 Concentrate on sinking
15215 	 deeper and deeper and...
15216 	 oh, but what's poised below?
15217 	 What monsters of the deep
15218 	 might decide to chew on me?
15219 	 Will it hurt, the final release?
15220 	 Is there pain when the spirit
15221 	 pries itself free of the flesh?
15222 	 Why worry about that now?
15223 	 I can feel the excavation, and it's painless so far. My lungs
15224 	 fill with water. Silt. Mud.
15225 	 Now it hurts to breathe. So I won't.
15226 	 I'll settle deep into darkness.
15227 	 And I won't say good-bye.
15228 	 487
15229 	 
15230 	 
15231 	 
15232 	 Damn Footsteps
15233 	 
15234 	 Won't let me sleep. And voices.
15235 	 One belongs to Daddy.
15236 	 **
15237 	 
15238 	 Oh my God. Her face is blue.
15239 	 
15240 	 
15241 	 **
15242 	 
15243 	 The other belongs to a woman. Mom?
15244 	 No, not Mom. Softer. Younger.
15245 	 **
15246 	 
15247 	 Kaeleigh, wake up now.
15248 	 
15249 	 
15250 	 **
15251 	 
15252 	 Melodic. Angelic. Angel?
15253 	 That means I'm ...
15254 	 **
15255 	 A sudden burst of air floods my
15256 	 lungs. Pressure on my chest. Air.
15257 	 **
15258 	 Pressure. Air. Pressure. Air.
15259 	 I'm breathing. Not drowning.
15260 	 **
15261 	 
15262 	 Atta girl. She's coming around.
15263 	 
15264 	 
15265 	 **
15266 	 
15267 	 My stomach roils, like I gulped
15268 	 lavender seawater. I lean over
15269 	 **
15270 	 the side of my bed, jet a big stream of opiate-laced Wild Turkey.
15271 	 **
15272 	 
15273 	 Good girl. Get it all out.
15274 	 
15275 	 488
15276 	 And now I'm in Daddy's arms.
15277 	 I squirm, but he won't let me go.
15278 	 **
15279 	 Limp. Fall limp. My eyes wander past his face, to the face of my angel.
15280 	 **
15281 	 Hannah. Of course. Who else?
15282 	 Her hand is cool against my face.
15283 	 **
15284 	 
15285 	 What did you take, Kaeleigh?
15286 	 
15287 	 
15288 	 **
15289 	 
15290 	 Tell? Don't tell? Who cares?
15291 	 "Percodan." No need to mention
15292 	 **
15293 	 Daddy's OxyContin. The Wild
15294 	 Turkey, they can smell. Hannah sighs.
15295 	 **
15296 	 
15297 	 How many?
15298 	 
15299 	 
15300 	 **
15301 	 
15302 	 Her voice, sugared, irritates
15303 	 me now. If heaven's host sounds
15304 	 **
15305 	 like her multiplied, I'll stay
15306 	 home. "N-not sure. A dozen?"
15307 	 **
15308 	 Hannah points to the gross
15309 	 disgustingness next to the bed.
15310 	 **
15311 	 
15312 	 She should be okay, but...
15313 	 
15314 	 489
15315 	 
15316 	 
15317 	 
15318 	 Oops, Too Late
15319 	 
15320 	 She said the magic word: okay.
15321 	 Daddy gulps in air like it might
15322 	 disappear any second. Like I might.
15323 	 **
15324 	 
15325 	 He gushes,
15326 	 Are you sure?
15327 	 
15328 	 
15329 	 **
15330 	 
15331 	 Hannah has been fussing over me. as any good nurse would.
15332 	 **
15333 	 
15334 	 Her vitals are good, considering...
15335 	 
15336 	 
15337 	 **
15338 	 
15339 	 Good enough for Daddy.
15340 	 
15341 	 Thank you so much, Hannah.
15342 	 
15343 	 
15344 	 **
15345 	 
15346 	 But Hannah's not quite finished.
15347 	 
15348 	 She needs to go in for monitoring.
15349 	 
15350 	 
15351 	 **
15352 	 
15353 	 I won't be monitored, won't answer
15354 	 questions. I just want to be left alone.
15355 	 **
15356 	 
15357 	 Daddy's got that covered. I
15358 	 don't
15359 	 
15360 	 
15361 	 think that's necessary. And I know
15362 	 
15363 	 
15364 	 you know how important it is to keep
15365 	 
15366 	 
15367 	 this right here in this room.
15368 	 
15369 	 
15370 	 **
15371 	 
15372 	 If she doesn't know, she definitely
15373 	 understands Daddy's directive.
15374 	 But she dares question him.
15375 	 
15376 	 May I speak to you for a minute?
15377 	 
15378 	 490
15379 	 
15380 	 
15381 	 
15382 	 They Move into the Hallway
15383 	 
15384 	 But I'm not really sure why.
15385 	 I can hear every word, despite their lowered voices.
15386 	 Hannah is worried about me.
15387 	 **
15388 	 
15389 	 A dozen painkillers, washed
15390 	 down with whiskey. That
15391 	 
15392 	 
15393 	 wasn't an accidental overdose,
15394 	 
15395 	 
15396 	 Ray. Your daughter needs help.
15397 	 
15398 	 
15399 	 **
15400 	 
15401 	 Duh. Serious help. But Daddy
15402 	 
15403 	 won't admit it.
15404 	 I think we
15405 	 
15406 	 
15407 	 can handle this in-house.
15408 	 
15409 	 
15410 	 I'll make some calls.
15411 	 
15412 	 
15413 	 **
15414 	 
15415 	 But Hannah isn't satisfied.
15416 	 
15417 	 Look, I know this isn't something
15418 	 
15419 	 
15420 	 you want spread in the tabloids.
15421 	 
15422 	 
15423 	 But I'm just not sure...
15424 	 
15425 	 
15426 	 **
15427 	 
15428 	 Daddy can be very persuasive.
15429 	 
15430 	 I
15431 	 appreciate your concern.
15432 	 
15433 	 
15434 	 You wouldn't be a good nurse
15435 	 
15436 	 
15437 	 otherwise. But leave this to me.
15438 	 
15439 	 
15440 	 **
15441 	 
15442 	 She has to give it one last shot.
15443 	 
15444 	 Please think seriously about
15445 	 getting some help for her.
15446 	 
15447 	 
15448 	 Your daughter is disturbed.
15449 	 
15450 	 491
15451 	 Yep. Disturbed semiregularly, by her pervert father, a part of the story she'll never know.
15452 	 And even if she should find out,
15453 	 **
15454 	 Daddy apparently holds a trump
15455 	 
15456 	 card. I
15457 	 promise to think about it.
15458 	 
15459 	 
15460 	 Oh, and your problem with your
15461 	 
15462 	 
15463 	 ex? Consider it solved.
15464 	 
15465 	 
15466 	 **
15467 	 
15468 	 I have no idea what the problem
15469 	 could be, but Daddy's reach is long. Almost as long as the silent pause right before
15470 	 **
15471 	 
15472 	 Hannah acquiesces.
15473 	 Okay,
15474 	 
15475 	 
15476 	 I'll back off. But please keep
15477 	 an eye on her. If she follows
15478 	 
15479 	 
15480 	 through, I'll never forgive myself.
15481 	 
15482 	 492
15483 	 
15484 	 
15485 	 
15486 	 Following Through
15487 	 
15488 	 Isn't something I can think about right now. I'll put it on my back burner checklist of things to think about later.
15489 	 My head hurts, far beyond the dizzy left inside it. It hurts, like my heart does. When I do
15490 	 let myself think about tonight,
15491 	 I'll remember a whiteout of emotions.
15492 	 A rush of anger, at my mom, my dad, my screwed-up life.
15493 	 A blush of love for Ian. Oh, how
15494 	 I wish that I could give him
15495 	 what Daddy takes so easily from me. But it would be a tainted gift.
15496 	 Sadness now, and I wonder how it feels to live without a constant fog of sorrow, a breeze of loneliness.
15497 	 Complacent, I wait for my daddy to come and punish me for trying to die.
15498 	 493
15499 	 
15500 	 
15501 	 
15502 	 
15503 	 
15504 	 Raeanne
15505 	 
15506 	 
15507 	 
15508 	 
15509 	 I Can't Believe
15510 	 
15511 	 Kaeleigh had enough ambition to down those pills, take dead
15512 	 aim at whatever might come after.
15513 	 If Daddy had found her much
15514 	 later
15515 	 he'd have discovered an empty
15516 	 shell. Seeing her slip down that long, dark tunnel toward permanent peace is something
15517 	 I'll remember the rest of my life. It didn't look so difficult. Still, I'm not quite
15518 	 ready to let her go. Needy, shaky, I lie in bed with her.
15519 	 How
15520 	 long it's been since I've felt
15521 	 this close to her. Her breaths are shallow, raspy with exhaustion.
15522 	 "Stupid shit," I whisper, and it feels like not enough. "If you're strong
15523 	 enough to look death in the eye, you're strong enough to fight
15524 	 him. Please. I don't want you to die."
15525 	 494
15526 	 
15527 	 
15528 	 
15529 	 Don't Know
15530 	 
15531 	 If she heard any of that.
15532 	 She's so weighted into oblivion,
15533 	 **
15534 	 she looks as if she did die.
15535 	 The weirdest thing is,
15536 	 **
15537 	 Daddy has not come to check on her. You'd think
15538 	 **
15539 	 he'd want to know if she is still breathing. I'm guessing
15540 	 **
15541 	 he went straight for the Wild
15542 	 Turkey. Hopefully Kaeleigh
15543 	 **
15544 	 left enough for him to drown his guilt. Does he feel guilt?
15545 	 **
15546 	 Does he feel
15547 	 **
15548 	 anything
15549 	 **
15550 	 at all?
15551 	 495
15552 	 
15553 	 
15554 	 
15555 	 I Think
15556 	 
15557 	 Maybe that's what he's looking for.
15558 	 **
15559 	 A way to feel.
15560 	 Something.
15561 	 Anything.
15562 	 **
15563 	 Even if that something is pain.
15564 	 **
15565 	 Remorse.
15566 	 Humiliation.
15567 	 Self-loathing.
15568 	 **
15569 	 What has brought him to this place?
15570 	 **
15571 	 Loneliness?
15572 	 Greed?
15573 	 Genetics?
15574 	 **
15575 	 What redemption can there be for him?
15576 	 **
15577 	 Penance?
15578 	 Prison?
15579 	 Demise?
15580 	 496
15581 	 
15582 	 
15583 	 
15584 	 It's Morning Before He Comes
15585 	 
15586 	 To check on her. Kaeleigh feigns
15587 	 sleep, but Daddy's determined.
15588 	 He shakes her until she opens her eyes, stares silently past him.
15589 	 **
15590 	 
15591 	 Good to see you're still with us.
15592 	 
15593 	 
15594 	 His voice is about as warm as day-old oatmeal.
15595 	 Don't you ever,
15596 	 ever do anything like that again.
15597 	 
15598 	 **
15599 	 Anger fills her eyes. Anger, and knife-edged hatred. So
15600 	 much to say, no way to say
15601 	 it. "I ...I...I won't, Daddy.
15602 	 **
15603 	 
15604 	 "I
15605 	 think it's best no one outside
15606 	 this room hears about this incident.
15607 	 
15608 	 
15609 	 Your mother would be very hurt.
15610 	 
15611 	 He straightens, waits for an answer.
15612 	 **
15613 	 The tears in Kaeleigh's eyes
15614 	 reflect denial, but she doesn't
15615 	 dare let it spill. "Whatever you
15616 	 say." She turns her head away.
15617 	 **
15618 	 
15619 	 You need to get up now and
15620 	 clean up this mess.
15621 	 He gestures toward last night's vomit.
15622 	 And I
15623 	 
15624 	 
15625 	 will be waiting for your apology.
15626 	 
15627 	 497
15628 	 
15629 	 
15630 	 
15631 	 Almost a Week
15632 	 
15633 	 Since Kaeleigh tried to off herself, and believe it or not, she did apologize to Daddy. She stood, head tilted toward
15634 	 **
15635 	 the floor, shoulders stooped like an old
15636 	 woman. "Sorry, Daddy. I was stupid."
15637 	 **
15638 	 She cleaned up the floor, washed herself, her clothes, her sheets. But she couldn't
15639 	 wash away the indelible stench of Daddy.
15640 	 **
15641 	 She wore it to school. To play rehearsal.
15642 	 To stolen moments with Ian. I watched
15643 	 **
15644 	 as she tried to put "the incident" behind her. But anyone who ever noticed her has to have noticed a change inside her.
15645 	 **
15646 	 She's no longer afraid to die. What she's
15647 	 afraid of is living, accepting the status quo.
15648 	 498
15649 	 
15650 	 
15651 	 
15652 	 Daddy Acts
15653 	 
15654 	 Like it never happened. It's how he deals with any trauma in his life.
15655 	 The accident. The incident.
15656 	 Mom's winning the election.
15657 	 Daddy simply moves forward. One
15658 	 day, one night at a time.
15659 	 **
15660 	 Hannah has stopped by several times to check up on Kaeleigh.
15661 	 She always says the same thing:
15662 	 
15663 	 Your daughter needs help, Ray.
15664 	 
15665 	 
15666 	 The reasons behind the attempt are still
15667 	 
15668 	 
15669 	 there. It could happen again.
15670 	 
15671 	 
15672 	 **
15673 	 
15674 	 Daddy's answer is the same:
15675 	 
15676 	 It was just the stress of the election.
15677 	 
15678 	 
15679 	 Now it's over, she'll be fine.
15680 	 
15681 	 
15682 	 **
15683 	 
15684 	 Then he'll change the subject, to one he finds much more appealing.
15685 	 
15686 	 You've had sometime to
15687 	 think things over. I hope
15688 	 
15689 	 
15690 	 you've reconsidered. Kay and I
15691 	 are married in name only.
15692 	 
15693 	 
15694 	 **
15695 	 
15696 	 Hannah remains steadfast.
15697 	 
15698 	 You're still married. It was a mistake
15699 	 to get involved. I'm sorry, Ray.
15700 	 
15701 	 499
15702 	 
15703 	 
15704 	 
15705 	 The Last Time
15706 	 
15707 	 She dropped by, Daddy wasn't
15708 	 home yet. But Kaeleigh was.
15709 	 I listened in best I could.
15710 	 **
15711 	 
15712 	 Hannah pounced.
15713 	 Kaeleigh, I don't
15714 	 
15715 	 
15716 	 know what's going on in your life
15717 	 to make you decide it isn't worth
15718 	 
15719 	 
15720 	 living. But I'm pretty sure it has
15721 	 
15722 	 
15723 	 **
15724 	 
15725 	 
15726 	 nothing to do with the election. If
15727 	 it had something to do with your
15728 	 
15729 	 
15730 	 father and me, that's all over, and
15731 	 
15732 	 
15733 	 I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt
15734 	 --
15735 	 
15736 	 
15737 	 **
15738 	 
15739 	 "No. It wasn't that, so quit blaming
15740 	 yourself, if that's what you're doing."
15741 	 **
15742 	 Then she made up a half lie. "There's
15743 	 this boy who I like, but I know it won't
15744 	 work out, no matter how much I want it to. But I'm over that now. I'm okay."
15745 	 **
15746 	 Just then Daddy arrived. I vanished as he stormed into Kaeleigh's room.
15747 	 But I could hear every word.
15748 	 **
15749 	 
15750 	 Hello again, Hannah. As you can see,
15751 	 my daughter is doing well. I'd appreciate
15752 	 it if you wouldn't drop by unannounced.
15753 	 
15754 	 
15755 	 Kaeleigh, please go start dinner.
15756 	 
15757 	 500
15758 	 
15759 	 
15760 	 
15761 	 He Is a Cold-Hearted Bastard
15762 	 
15763 	 That's for sure. And suddenly
15764 	 I desperately need to know why.
15765 	 Did he not see Kaeleigh, screaming for help, the only way she could--
15766 	 wordlessly, helplessly, no one to hear?
15767 	 **
15768 	 I don't know how to get hold of my
15769 	 grandmother, and considering the reception she got from me
15770 	 last time, I sincerely doubt she'll
15771 	 call back anytime soon.
15772 	 **
15773 	 But somewhere, buried deep in
15774 	 Kaeleigh's journal, is an address for Theodore Gardella. Grandpa
15775 	 Teddy. (Pu-lease!) He lives less than two hours south, in Calabasas.
15776 	 **
15777 	 I think it's time his granddaughter
15778 	 paid him a visit. But first she has to find a ride. I easily think of exactly one person and pick up the phone. "Hello? Is Brittany there?"
15779 	 501
15780 	 
15781 	 
15782 	 
15783 	 Operative Word: Easy
15784 	 
15785 	 Brittany is quite simply the most
15786 	 easy-to-manipulate person ever.
15787 	 **
15788 	 She had planned to see a movie with Joel, but when I told her my
15789 	 **
15790 	 grandpa was really sick, she softened.
15791 	 And when I threw in the part about
15792 	 **
15793 	 filling her gas tank and buying lunch,
15794 	 I almost had her right there.
15795 	 **
15796 	 
15797 	 Okay, but only if Joel can come
15798 	 
15799 	 
15800 	 too. We're a thing now, you know
15801 	 
15802 	 
15803 	 **.
15804 	 
15805 	 Yeah, and if she isn't careful, there will
15806 	 be a little thing growing inside her.
15807 	 **
15808 	 If I can persuade her this easily, her steady
15809 	 "thing" should have no trouble talking
15810 	 **
15811 	 her into whatever. But hey, that's not
15812 	 my problem. And now I've got my ride.
15813 	 **
15814 	 I MapQuest directions, extract eighty
15815 	 bucks from my private stash, pop
15816 	 **
15817 	 a single Oxy to steady my nerves, go to meet Brittany and Joel.
15818 	 502
15819 	 
15820 	 
15821 	 
15822 	 Between Brittany's Driving
15823 	 
15824 	 And a traffic accident jam, the hundred-
15825 	 mile trip takes us over two hours.
15826 	 Two plus hours of hip-hop, Brittany
15827 	 giggling, and Joel's immature, totally
15828 	 not sexy innuendos. Aaagh!
15829 	 **
15830 	 I'm mostly silent, filling with dread.
15831 	 What if he won't see me, let alone
15832 	 tell me the things I need to know?
15833 	 Not like we've ever done anything but exchange a letter or two.
15834 	 **
15835 	 
15836 	 So what kind of sick is your grandpa?
15837 	 asks
15838 	 
15839 	 
15840 	 Joel.
15841 	 We won't catch something, will we?
15842 	 
15843 	 
15844 	 **
15845 	 
15846 	 "Well, I don't think you want to come
15847 	 inside. You can drop me off, go have
15848 	 lunch--on me, remember?--and come
15849 	 pick me up. I don't have to stay that long, just make sure he's got his medicine."
15850 	 **
15851 	 
15852 	 Hey, I know what I want for lunch,
15853 	 sneers Joel.
15854 	 Tuna! Got any, Britt?
15855 	 
15856 	 
15857 	 **
15858 	 
15859 	 OMG! What a disgusting loser.
15860 	 I can't believe Brittany actually
15861 	 shrieks with laughter. This is why
15862 	 I don't maintain friendships. Friends
15863 	 tell friends what they really think.
15864 	 503
15865 	 
15866 	 
15867 	 
15868 	 We Find the House
15869 	 
15870 	 Arrange a meeting time, and I give
15871 	 Brittany forty dollars. "But don't
15872 	 leave until he answers the door."
15873 	 Last thing I need is to sit here o
15874 	 n his doorstep for two hours.
15875 	 **
15876 	 Brittany waits patiently while
15877 	 I idle slowly up the walk, noting his yard is neat but not pretty.
15878 	 I swallow one more pill for good
15879 	 measure, steel up my courage.
15880 	 Reach for the doorbell. Push.
15881 	 **
15882 	 I hear footsteps immediately.
15883 	 The door cracks, leaking warm air.
15884 	 **
15885 	 
15886 	 Yes? Who is it?
15887 	 The voice
15888 	 
15889 	 
15890 	 crackles.
15891 
15892 	 What do you want?
15893 	 
15894 	 
15895 	 **
15896 	 
15897 	 "Um. Sorry to disturb you. But
15898 	 I'm your...your granddaughter."
15899 	 The door opens wider and Brittany
15900 	 starts her car. I want to shout, "Wait."
15901 	 **
15902 	 But I don't. For the first time,
15903 	 I look my grandfather in the eye.
15904 	 "I think it's time we talked."
15905 	 **
15906 	 
15907 	 Long past time, young lady.
15908 	 
15909 	 
15910 	 But come on inside.
15911 	 
15912 	 504
15913 	 
15914 	 
15915 	 
15916 	 The House Is Small
15917 	 
15918 	 Gloomy, and like his yard, tidy but not pretty. No adornments
15919 	 anywhere. Serviceable furniture, lacking comfort. Still, I accept his offer to perch on the hard sofa.
15920 	 **
15921 	 Almost to himself, he says,
15922 	 
15923 	 I
15924 	 wondered if you'd ever come.
15925 	 
15926 	 
15927 	 **
15928 	 
15929 	 In lieu of small talk, we sit and stare at each other for several skeptical minutes.
15930 	 My grandfather is shorter than
15931 	 Daddy, and much darker,
15932 	 **
15933 	 with weathered California skin and gunmetal eyes. Oh, Daddy
15934 	 got his eyes from his father, whose own searching eyes slice into me now. I swear, it hurts,
15935 	 **
15936 	 like he's dissecting me without benefit of anesthesia. Someone
15937 	 has to break the awful silence.
15938 	 But I can't think of a single
15939 	 icebreaker. Luckily, he does.
15940 	 **
15941 	 
15942 	 So what can I do for you after all
15943 	 
15944 	 
15945 	 these years? You have questions.
15946 	 
15947 	 505
15948 	 It's a statement, as well it should
15949 	 be. I could tiptoe around the real
15950 	 reason I'm here. But why waste
15951 	 time? "I want to know why Daddy
15952 	 won't have anything to do with you."
15953 	 **
15954 	 
15955 	 Well, that's very direct, isn't it?
15956 	 
15957 	 
15958 	 Why is it important now?
15959 	 
15960 	 
15961 	 **
15962 	 
15963 	 I could lie, tell him I want to know him, learn all about my
15964 	 roots. But I suspect he'd know it was a fabrication. "I need to know
15965 	 why Daddy is like he is. Why I am...
15966 	 **
15967 	 
15968 	 Who you are,
15969 	 he finishes. Hesitates.
15970 	 
15971 	 
15972 	 I'm not sure where to begin.
15973 	 
15974 	 
15975 	 **
15976 	 
15977 	 Oh, I can help him there.
15978 	 "I don't need to hear any
15979 	 happy stuff, if there is any to tell. I need to hear about when everything went to shit."
15980 	 506
15981 	 
15982 	 
15983 	 
15984 	 He Winces Slightly
15985 	 
15986 	 
15987 	 But agrees. I
15988 	 don't know you from
15989 	 
15990 	 Adam, but someone should hear this
15991 	 story. Your father would carry it to his grave. How much do you know about Charlotte, your grandmother?
15992 	 **
15993 	 "Only that she walked out when
15994 	 Daddy was a boy. Something about your messing around?"
15995 	 **
15996 	 A nice way to put it. Yes, I cheated.
15997 	 I was lonely. Charlotte shared most of her time with a whiskey bottle, and so devoted little to your father or me. When she left, it was a relief,
15998 	 **
15999 	 or would have been, except I had to work long hours. Your father was still
16000 	 young, so I placed him in the care of a neighbor, a woman I had known, or thought I did, for many years.
16001 	 **
16002 	 Turned out I didn't know her at all.
16003 	 One day I came home early and went to pick up Raymond. I knocked but no one answered, so I
16004 	 went around back, where I heard voices....
16005 	 507
16006 	 He pauses, clearly unsure
16007 	 whether to tell me the rest.
16008 	 "Please. Don't stop now."
16009 	 **
16010 	 
16011 	 I
16012 	 found your father, on a swing
16013 	 with a young girl, about his age.
16014 	 
16015 	 
16016 	 They were naked, playing with each
16017 	 
16018 	 
16019 	 other. Miranda was directing them,
16020 	 and her boyfriend was taking pictures.
16021 	 
16022 	 
16023 	 **
16024 	 
16025 	 His voice breaks a little, and his eyes--Daddy's eyes--spill the tears of this horrible truth.
16026 	 **
16027 	 
16028 	 Your father gained his manhood,
16029 	 if you could call it that, at the age
16030 	 of ten. His photographs appeared
16031 	 in magazines, for the pleasure of
16032 	 pedophiles. And he blames me.
16033 	 
16034 	 508
16035 	 
16036 	 
16037 	 
16038 	 Bam, Sledgehammer
16039 	 
16040 	 His words don't so much sink in as they are pounded in, down through my skull, into my brain.
16041 	 **
16042 	 So much explained. So much
16043 	 insight gained, in the space of ten
16044 	 minutes of ugly monologue.
16045 	 **
16046 	 My grandfather's voice quivers.
16047 	 
16048 	 He wasn't hurt, not physically.
16049 	 
16050 	 
16051 	 But emotionally, he was scarred.
16052 	 
16053 	 
16054 	 **
16055 	 
16056 	 
16057 	 I tried to tell him how sorry I was,
16058 	 but he wouldn't listen. Wouldn't
16059 	 
16060 	 
16061 	 forgive me. For eight years, we
16062 	 
16063 	 
16064 	 **
16065 	 
16066 	 
16067 	 barely spoke. And after he left
16068 	 for college, I never heard another
16069 	 
16070 	 
16071 	 word from him. I followed his career
16072 	 
16073 	 
16074 	 **
16075 	 
16076 	 
16077 	 as best I could. Was happy that he
16078 	 did well for himself. I kept thinking
16079 	 with time, he'd come around....
16080 	 
16081 	 
16082 	 **
16083 	 
16084 	 Oh, no. Not Daddy. Once you're on his shit list, forget it. But one
16085 	 burning question remains.
16086 	 509
16087 	 "Why did you call about your
16088 	 ex-wife coming back? Did you
16089 	 really think she wanted money?"
16090 	 **
16091 	 He crumples like a candy wrapper.
16092 	 
16093 	 I
16094 	 didn't know what she wanted.
16095 	 
16096 	 
16097 	 She'd been gone so long, I wasn't
16098 	 
16099 	 
16100 	 **
16101 	 
16102 	 
16103 	 even sure she was still alive
16104 	 until she knocked on my door,
16105 	 wanting to know about you.
16106 	 
16107 	 
16108 	 **
16109 	 
16110 	 
16111 	 I thought
16112 	 --
16113 	 hoped
16114 	 --
16115 	 it might be
16116 	 a way back into Raymond's
16117 	 
16118 	 
16119 	 life. Your life. I'm...all alone.
16120 	 
16121 	 510
16122 	 
16123 	 
16124 	 
16125 	 A Half-Assed Honk
16126 	 
16127 	 Signals my ride home is curbside.
16128 	 Better not leave them waiting
16129 	 too long, or I might get stuck
16130 	 watching Joel fish for tuna.
16131 	 
16132 	 Did
16133 	 I
16134 	 just think that? Fuck!
16135 	 
16136 	 **
16137 	 "I have to go. My ride is waiting."
16138 	 I consider what else to say.
16139 	 I'll start with a hug. Grandpa
16140 	 ...um ...weird ...stiffens a bit at my touch. "Thank you."
16141 	 **
16142 	 
16143 	 No, thank you. For giving me
16144 	 the chance to maybe get to know
16145 	 
16146 	 
16147 	 you. I don't want to die without
16148 	 family knowing or caring I'm gone.
16149 	 
16150 	 
16151 	 Please stay in touch. Please?
16152 	 
16153 	 
16154 	 **
16155 	 
16156 	 "I'll do my best. But Daddy
16157 	 won't like it if he finds out."
16158 	 We exchange phone numbers, and he walks me to the door.
16159 	 I turn. "Can I call you Grandpa?"
16160 	 **
16161 	 His smile is weak, weary.
16162 	 
16163 	 I'd be grateful if you did. Tell
16164 	 
16165 	 
16166 	 your ride to drive carefully.
16167 	 
16168 	 
16169 	 I'd hate to lose you now.
16170 	 
16171 	 The door closes behind me.
16172 	 511
16173 	 
16174 	 
16175 	 
16176 	 Ugly Little Movies
16177 	 
16178 	 Replay themselves over and over in my head on the ride home.
16179 	 **
16180 	 Thankfully the return trip is faster than the outbound was. If I hear
16181 	 **
16182 	 one more frigging giggle, I'm
16183 	 going to blow it completely.
16184 	 **
16185 	 I down yet another painkiller, chase it with a swig of the Turkey stashed in my bag
16186 	 **
16187 	 We drop over the top of the mountain, where the hills bump and grind toward
16188 	 **
16189 	 the valley. I've admired this view
16190 	 hundreds of times, but today it's different.
16191 	 **
16192 	 Today the hills are haunting, vague as spirits fooled into being
16193 	 **
16194 	 each blurring into the next in cool
16195 	 bronze succession. Indistinct.
16196 	 **
16197 	 Yet somehow not quite meaningless.
16198 	 Like information gleaned, but not
16199 	 **
16200 	 completely absorbed. Like ugly
16201 	 little movies, in semiconstant replay.
16202 	 512
16203 	 
16204 	 
16205 	 
16206 	 I Should Go Home
16207 	 
16208 	 My cell has four voice mails, three from Daddy:
16209 	 
16210 	 Where are you?
16211 	 
16212 	 **
16213 	 
16214 	 Where the hell are you?
16215 	 
16216 	 
16217 	 Why did you leave without
16218 	 telling me where you were
16219 	 going?
16220 	 
16221 	 
16222 	 **
16223 	 
16224 	 
16225 	 Where the fuck are you?
16226 	 
16227 	 
16228 	 When will you be home?
16229 	 
16230 	 
16231 	 Are you okay? Do I have
16232 	 to come looking for you?
16233 	 
16234 	 I have to call him, but first
16235 	 I pick up the fourth message.
16236 	 Can't believe it, but it's Ty:
16237 	 **
16238 	 
16239 	 Hey. Sorry I took so long
16240 	 to return your call. Been
16241 	 
16242 	 
16243 	 away at a seminar. When
16244 	 
16245 	 
16246 	 can I see you? Call me.
16247 	 
16248 	 513
16249 	 
16250 	 
16251 	 
16252 	 Major Dilemma
16253 	 
16254 	 If I call Daddy, he'll want me to come home, and who knows
16255 	 what kind of mood he'll be in? (
16256 	 I've got a pretty good idea.)
16257 	 **
16258 	 But seeing Ty--and getting
16259 	 wasted--is way up on my
16260 	 priority list. If I get high
16261 	 enough, I can deal with Daddy,
16262 	 **
16263 	 as long as he doesn't actually
16264 	 come looking and find me.
16265 	 He wouldn't come looking, would he? And if he did,
16266 	 **
16267 	 could he find me way out in the boonies at Ty's place?
16268 	 Nope. No way. First I call
16269 	 Ty. He answers, second ring.
16270 	 **
16271 	 "Hey. I'm in town. Can you
16272 	 pick me up?" He agrees, so I have Brittany drop me at the park. "Thanks for
16273 	 **
16274 	 the ride. See you." Off they go.
16275 	 I chance a one-sided call to Daddy.
16276 	 "Hi. I'm fine. I'm with friends.
16277 	 
16278 	 Be home in a while."
16279 	 Click.
16280 	 
16281 	 514
16282 	 
16283 	 
16284 	 
16285 	 I'm Living Dangerously
16286 	 
16287 	 And I def know it. I power down the phone. I'll have to deal with whatever consequences Daddy
16288 	 **
16289 	 decides to deal me. But meanwhile,
16290 	 I won't have my evening disturbed by the incessant interruption of a cell.
16291 	 **
16292 	 It takes Ty forty minutes to get to me, too much time with nothing to do but think about today.
16293 	 **
16294 	 And that means thinking about Daddy.
16295 	 No wonder he didn't want Kaeleigh and me to have a childhood. He didn't.
16296 	 **
16297 	 I have no idea how I'll feel when he's
16298 	 punishing me, but right this moment,
16299 	 I can't help but feel sorry for him.
16300 	 **
16301 	 Finally the BMW cruises into view.
16302 	 I wave and Ty pulls against the curb.
16303 	 I give him my hottest smile. "Hey."
16304 	 **
16305 	 
16306 	 Hey. Great to see you again. Get
16307 	 
16308 	 
16309 	 in.
16310 	 He opens the door for me, not
16311 	 
16312 	 
16313 	 quite a gentleman.
16314 	 My place okay?
16315 	 
16316 	 515
16317 	 
16318 	 
16319 	 
16320 	 His Place
16321 	 
16322 	 Is exactly what I have in mind.
16323 	 The top is down on the Beamer, the sun low in the sky, and it's
16324 	 cold outside. So why am I hot?
16325 	 **
16326 	 Feverish? Maybe. But I'm not
16327 	 going to tell him that and maybe, just maybe, the fever is hunger, not sickness. I'm starving.
16328 	 **
16329 	 Starving for a high, a place to hang out inside my own head.
16330 	 Starving for touch. Pain, even.
16331 	 A way to feel. I need to feel.
16332 	 **
16333 	 Funny how when your life is mostly bullshit, you turn off feeling. Sometimes it's hard to turn it back on again.
16334 	 **
16335 	 Last time I let myself feel was up on the mountain with Ian.
16336 	 When he turned away, I flipped the feeling off switch.
16337 	 **
16338 	 But now, just imagining what
16339 	 Ty has in mind for me, for us,
16340 	 I flip it back on again. Good or bad, I'm ready to feel.
16341 	 516
16342 	 
16343 	 
16344 	 
16345 	 Ty's House
16346 	 
16347 	 Is the perfect place to hang out inside my own head. The first
16348 	 thing he does is disappear
16349 	 **
16350 	 up the hall, toward his bedroom.
16351 	 He comes back with a party in a box.
16352 	 
16353 	 You want to get buzzed, right?
16354 	 
16355 	 
16356 	 **
16357 	 
16358 	 I nod and next thing I know, we're smoking black African
16359 	 bud. It's not really black, but
16360 	 **
16361 	 it's definitely purple, the buds
16362 	 big around as my fist. And it tastes like absolute heaven.
16363 	 **
16364 	 Almost immediately, my eyes
16365 	 grow heavy and my tongue thick.
16366 	 "Incredible," I manage, sounding
16367 	 **
16368 	 more like "increthible." We both
16369 	 laugh, and I slide into a comfort
16370 	 zone. Part of me keeps shouting
16371 	 **
16372 	 a warning. The other part tells the first to shut up, quit trying to fuck up my high. I realize
16373 	 517
16374 	 Ty is a dangerous man. But I so want to walk that razor's edge, take feeling to a whole new level.
16375 	 **
16376 	 He senses my eagerness.
16377 	 His breath warms my ear and my heart double-times.
16378 	 **
16379 	 
16380 	 How far will you go with me?
16381 	 
16382 	 He kisses my mouth. My throat.
16383 	 
16384 	 Will you let me draw blood?
16385 	 
16386 	 
16387 	 **
16388 	 
16389 	 He bites my neck, and a moan
16390 	 escapes my mouth, unbidden.
16391 	 
16392 	 How high will you let me take you?
16393 	 
16394 	 
16395 	 **
16396 	 
16397 	 For once, I want to relinquish
16398 	 control. For once, I want to completely let go. "You decide."
16399 	 **
16400 	 
16401 	 His grin is pure evil.
16402 	 That's my
16403 	 
16404 	 
16405 	 girl.
16406 	 He yanks my blouse over my head, spills me from my bra.
16407 	 
16408 	 **
16409 	 He kisses, bites. I'm already lost, but hungry for more. He pulls
16410 	 me to my feet, hands all over me....
16411 	 518
16412 	 
16413 	 
16414 	 
16415 	 And the Doorbell Rings
16416 	 
16417 	 Not just once, but three times, in quick succession. Fuck!
16418 	 Did Daddy find me after all?
16419 	 **
16420 	 
16421 	 Who the fuck is it? Ty
16422 	 yells.
16423 	 
16424 	 
16425 	 **
16426 	 
16427 	 No answer, but another ring.
16428 	 And another. I try to tug on my shirt, and am halfway there
16429 	 **
16430 	 when Ty opens the door. I stare at the face framed there, eyes
16431 	 wide with anger and hurt. Ian.
16432 	 **
16433 	 
16434 	 He pushes past Ty.
16435 	 Kaeleigh.
16436 	 
16437 	 
16438 	 What are you doing here, with
16439 	 him? You promised me...
16440 	 
16441 	 
16442 	 **
16443 	 
16444 	 Promised? What did I promise?
16445 	 I shake my head. Kaeleigh promised, not me, "N-not Kaeleigh."
16446 	 **
16447 	 
16448 	 Ty takes Ian's arm.
16449 	 Get the fuck
16450 	 
16451 	 
16452 	 out of here.
16453 	 He tries to muscle him toward the door,
16454 	 
16455 	 **
16456 	 
16457 	 but Ian yanks away, comes over, puts his hands on my shoulders, looks into my eyes.
16458 	 Who are you, then?
16459 	 
16460 	 519
16461 	 I'm...I look at him, so full of love for me. Me. Am I Kaeleigh?
16462 	 No. Goddammit. I'm, "Raeanne."
16463 	 **
16464 	 
16465 	 No, no, no!
16466 	 His head twists from side to side, until I'm sure it will spin off his neck.
16467 	 Raeanne
16468 	 
16469 	 
16470 	 **
16471 	 
16472 	 
16473 	 is dead, Kaeleigh. She died
16474 	 in the accident, remember?
16475 	 
16476 	 
16477 	 Listen to me, Kaeleigh.
16478 	 
16479 	 
16480 	 **
16481 	 
16482 	 What is he talking about?
16483 	 I'm not dead. I'm right here, and I'm...too fucking stoned
16484 	 **
16485 	 to deal with this now. "What are you talking about, Ian?
16486 	 Can't you see I'm not Kaeleigh?"
16487 	 **
16488 	 Ian's eyes are wild. Scared.
16489 	 
16490 	 Confused, like an animal in a trap.
16491 	 Please, Kaeleigh.
16492 	 
16493 	 
16494 	 **
16495 	 
16496 	 Why does he keep calling
16497 	 me that? I'm not Kaeleigh, I'm.. .
16498 	 Wait...What did he say
16499 	 **
16500 	 
16501 	 about an accident? Yes, yes, there
16502 	 was an
16503 	 accident. Daddy was driving and they took...
16504 	 
16505 	 520
16506 	 
16507 	 
16508 	 
16509 	 Mom and Raeanne Away
16510 	 
16511 	 Not me. Didn't
16512 	 take me away.
16513 	 Raeanne. My sister.
16514 	 My identical twin.
16515 	 I called out to her.
16516 	 She didn't answer.
16517 	 Mom came back.
16518 	 Raeanne didn't.
16519 	 Ty turns vicious.
16520 	 Ty? Who's he?
16521 	 
16522 	 Look, she said she'
16523 	 s
16524 	 not
16525 	 
16526 	 
16527 	 this Kaeleigh person, so...
16528 	 
16529 	 
16530 	 **
16531 	 
16532 	 
16533 	 But I
16534 	 am
16535 	 Kaeleigh.
16536 	 
16537 	 Wait. Who am I?
16538 	 Who am I? The room
16539 	 begins to spin.
16540 	 Goddammit. Too much
16541 	 fucking good bud.
16542 	 Is that the problem?
16543 	 Don't think so. Afraid
16544 	 that's not the problem.
16545 	 **
16546 	 Ian turns toward Ty, and his look stops the bigger man's approach.
16547 	 521
16548 	 
16549 	 Something's wrong
16550 	 with her, but she
16551 	 is
16552 	 
16553 	 
16554 	 Kaeleigh, and her twin,
16555 	 
16556 	 
16557 	 Raeanne. was killed in
16558 	 an accident years ago....
16559 	 
16560 	 
16561 	 **
16562 	 
16563 	 "Stop saying that!
16564 	 I'm not dead...."
16565 	 **
16566 	 Yes, you are.
16567 	 **
16568 	 "...can't be dead.
16569 	 I'm standing right here."
16570 	 **
16571 	 Someone is, but not you.
16572 	 **
16573 	 "I don't want to be dead...
16574 	 522
16575 	 
16576 	 
16577 	 
16578 	 I Think I'm Dead
16579 	 
16580 	 Voices. Arms around me.
16581 	 hands, familiar. Ian's hands?
16582 	 They don't belong to me.
16583 	 They belong to Kaeleigh.
16584 	 Kaeleigh isn't
16585 	 dead.
16586 	 I am. Lights. Floating.
16587 	 
16588 	 Motion. Noise. Ian, beside me.
16589 	 Come on, Kaeleigh.
16590 	 
16591 	 
16592 	 Everything's okay. I'm here
16593 	 for you always.
16594 	 He says
16595 	 
16596 	 I'm not dead, but he still thinks I'm her.
16597 	 Am I her? If I'm her, where is me? I can't go away, not
16598 	 all the way away. Kaeleigh is weak, no match for Daddy.
16599 	 If I die, she'll die too. I'll always
16600 	 be right here. Ian doesn't
16601 	 have to know. Daddy
16602 	 doesn't have to know. Even she won't
16603 	 know I'm still here. I'll
16604 	 have to hide better, always
16605 	 be Kaeleigh. It's a new game, but necessary for me to survive.
16606 	 523
16607 	 
16608 	 
16609 	 
16610 	 
16611 	 
16612 	 Kaeleigh
16613 	 
16614 	 
16615 	 
16616 	 
16617 	 I Wish I Were Dead
16618 	 
16619 	 I'm sick. Confused. Hot.
16620 	 My muscles ache, twitch.
16621 	 They tell me it's withdrawal from OxyContin. I smell
16622 	 dead, sweating death from my pores.
16623 	 Three days now, and nothing
16624 	 feels better. I keep puking...
16625 	 did I once puke on purpose?
16626 	 Is that part of me dead if
16627 	 I'm not dead, and if it is, am I half-dead?
16628 	 I don't understand. I don't
16629 	 understand. Big blocks of my life are lost to me.
16630 	 Big blocks of time, spent...
16631 	 If I die
16632 	 will I remember them then?
16633 	 Will I be condemned for them?
16634 	 Was it really me doing them?
16635 	 Or is Raeanne living inside me?
16636 	 She won't
16637 	 talk to me, though I've tried.
16638 	 Searched for her. Screamed for her. She was the better part of me. Without her, how can I
16639 	 survive?
16640 	 524
16641 	 
16642 	 Fragments
16643 	 .............................................................
16644 	 Shards
16645 	 
16646 	 That's what I am now.
16647 	 Incomplete.
16648 	 They keep asking for truths.
16649 	 I'm afraid to give them
16650 	 answers.
16651 	 I keep hiding behind dreams.
16652 	 Except maybe they're
16653 	 realities.
16654 	 They keep asking for reasons.
16655 	 I give them lame
16656 	 excuses.
16657 	 I want to live in my
16658 	 fantasies.
16659 	 Except maybe they're
16660 	 nightmares.
16661 	 They keep asking for explanations.
16662 	 I keep telling them
16663 	 I don't have them.
16664 	 525
16665 	 
16666 	 
16667 	 
16668 	 At First
16669 	 
16670 	 They don't allow visitors.
16671 	 Only nurses. Doctors. One is a shrink. Dr. Carol Shore.
16672 	 **
16673 	 
16674 	 Call me Carol. I'm
16675 	 a psychotherapist.
16676 	 
16677 	 
16678 	 And I'm here to help.
16679 	 
16680 	 **
16681 	 "Help what?" I ask, pretending like I don't
16682 	 need help. Never have.
16683 	 **
16684 	 
16685 	 Help you face whatever
16686 	 it is that you keep trying
16687 	 to escape from.
16688 	 
16689 	 **
16690 	 "Why would I want to do that?" My stomach
16691 	 heaves, but it's empty.
16692 	 **
16693 	 
16694 	 Because only by confronting
16695 	 
16696 	 
16697 	 your demons can you ever
16698 	 
16699 	 
16700 	 hope to conquer them.
16701 	 
16702 	 What she doesn't seem to understand is, I have to go home to my demon.
16703 	 526
16704 	 
16705 	 
16706 	 
16707 	 I Tell Her I'll Think About It
16708 	 
16709 	 Anything to get her off my back.
16710 	 They give me something to calm the withdrawal, help me sleep.
16711 	 As I slip toward lovely nothingness,
16712 	 **
16713 	 I hear a voice behind the door.
16714 	 
16715 	 She's my daughter, goddammit.
16716 	 
16717 	 
16718 	 I have every right to see her.
16719 	 
16720 	 
16721 	 **
16722 	 
16723 	 No. Don't want to see him. Ever.
16724 	 Then snippets. Ugly movies.
16725 	 Please! Go away. Let me sleep!
16726 	 Relax...can't...he's here.
16727 	 **
16728 	 The door opens, but I refuse to open my eyes. Maybe the drug
16729 	 will kick in, push me all the way down into unconsciousness.
16730 	 **
16731 	 Footsteps. His. One, two. Stop!
16732 	 
16733 	 Kaeleigh, girl. Wake up. It's Daddy.
16734 	 
16735 	 
16736 	 I'm right here beside you.
16737 	 
16738 	 
16739 	 **
16740 	 
16741 	 His hand, cold, strokes my cheek.
16742 	 His head tilts against my chest.
16743 	 
16744 	 I
16745 	 wish I could take it all back....
16746 	 
16747 	 527
16748 	 
16749 	 
16750 	 
16751 	 When I Wake Up
16752 	 
16753 	 I'm alone. In the dark.
16754 	 Where am I again?
16755 	 Who am I again?
16756 	 I'm hot. So hot.
16757 	 I was hot in a car.
16758 	 A BMW? With...
16759 	 More ugly movies.
16760 	 Only Daddy's not in them. I am.
16761 	 Oh my God. What
16762 	 have I done? Who
16763 	 have I been with?
16764 	 A collage of faces.
16765 	 Ty. Ty? Who is he?
16766 	 There as a party....
16767 	 I went there with
16768 	 Mick. Mick? And
16769 	 Madison was there.
16770 	 Madison. She was at Lawler's house.
16771 	 Lawler? Mr. Lawler?
16772 	 I told him I like older men. Older, like...Daddy. Daddy?
16773 	 No...No...No!
16774 	 
16775 	 But he said,
16776 	 I wish
16777 	 
16778 	 
16779 	 I could take it all back.
16780 	 
16781 	 528
16782 	 
16783 	 
16784 	 
16785 	 Take It All Back
16786 	 
16787 	 Okay, maybe I do need help.
16788 	 I can't even remember what "all"
16789 	 is. Only bits and pieces. And why
16790 	 would I want to remember more?
16791 	 **
16792 	 
16793 	 Only by confronting your demons...
16794 	 
16795 	 
16796 	 **
16797 	 
16798 	 Confront him? How could I ever?
16799 	 And how could I ever let anyone
16800 	 know what my father has done to me? Who would understand?
16801 	 **
16802 	 
16803 	 You've got some powerful demons....
16804 	 
16805 	 
16806 	 **
16807 	 
16808 	 Greta! Oh, maybe I could tell Greta.
16809 	 I need to see her, need to know
16810 	 if she ever confronted her demon.
16811 	 Can't believe it happened to her, too.
16812 	 **
16813 	 
16814 	 I
16815 	 met evil when I was very young....
16816 	 
16817 	 
16818 	 **
16819 	 
16820 	 But you wouldn't know it to look at her now. She's strong. Strong
16821 	 enough to fight Nazis. Strong enough to invite Lars back into her life.
16822 	 **
16823 	 
16824 	 Could not imagine sharing a bed.
16825 	 
16826 	 529
16827 	 Sharing a bed with a man she loved. A man she trusted.
16828 	 Instead she sent him away.
16829 	 Out of her life. Such loneliness!
16830 	 **
16831 	 
16832 	 Please trust me enough to tell....
16833 	 
16834 	 
16835 	 **
16836 	 
16837 	 Ian. My amazing Ian. My best and only true friend. If I told
16838 	 you, you'd turn your back on filthy me. If you haven't already.
16839 	 530
16840 	 
16841 	 I Stare at the Night Sky
16842 	 
16843 	 Outside the window.
16844 	 The stars shine, as they always do. Same
16845 	 stars. Same sky. Only I am different. Am I different? Will
16846 	 **
16847 	 my life change now? Better or worse? Will Mom come back, save me? She can't. She has work to do, far away from home, Will she take me with her?
16848 	 Do I want to go? And a bigger
16849 	 **
16850 	 question. Will she listen now?
16851 	 Memory jabs. I accidentally
16852 	 **
16853 	 told once. Didn't mean to make her jealous. I was taking a shower. The soap stung and when I said "Ow," Mom asked what hurt. I told her,
16854 	 "Where Daddy touched me." She looked and her face grew red.
16855 	 **
16856 	 
16857 	 But she said, I
16858 	 don't see a thing.
16859 	 
16860 	 I guessed Daddy was right.
16861 	 She got mad, closed her eyes. Like I
16862 	 need to do
16863 	 now.
16864 	 531
16865 	 
16866 	 
16867 	 
16868 	 I'm Still Tired
16869 	 
16870 	 When sunlight wakes me.
16871 	 I feel a little better, though, and that's bad. They'll make
16872 	 me go home soon. Unless I tell.
16873 	 **
16874 	 A voice inside me whispers,
16875 	 "Can't tell. They'll be jealous."
16876 	 **
16877 	 Shut up. You're dead.
16878 	 **
16879 	 "Am I? Guess you'll just
16880 	 have to wait and see."
16881 	 **
16882 	 When they finally bring breakfast,
16883 	 I ask the nurse, "Am I allowed
16884 	 visitors yet? Has anyone tried to see me?" Anyone being Ian.
16885 	 **
16886 	 The nurse shakes her head, and the voice agrees, "He ran like the wind. You're crazy, you know."
16887 	 **
16888 	 I wait for the nurse to leave, so she doesn't think I'm crazy.
16889 	 Then I tell the voice again,
16890 	 Shut up. You're fucking dead.
16891 	 **
16892 	 "If you say so.
16893 	 532
16894 	 
16895 	 
16896 	 
16897 	 When Carol Comes
16898 	 
16899 	 I'm ready to talk. "Is there such a thing as a split personality?"
16900 	 **
16901 	 Her eyes measure me up and down.
16902 	 
16903 	 Dissociative identity disorder
16904 	 is extremely rare, but yes, it's real.
16905 	 
16906 	 
16907 	 **
16908 	 
16909 	 "Do the different identities
16910 	 know about each other?"
16911 	 **
16912 	 
16913 	 Sometimes. Usually not. Sometimes
16914 	 
16915 	 
16916 	 one does, but the others don't.
16917 	 
16918 	 
16919 	 There are no definites with DID.
16920 	 
16921 	 
16922 	 **
16923 	 
16924 	 "Could you split into someone
16925 	 you know--or used to know?"
16926 	 **
16927 	 
16928 	 The jury's still out on how the alters
16929 	 
16930 	 
16931 	 develop. But I suppose you could take
16932 	 on aspects of someone familiar.
16933 	 
16934 	 
16935 	 **
16936 	 
16937 	 "Will one--what did you call it?
16938 	 Alter?--do stuff another one won't?"
16939 	 **
16940 	 
16941 	 My questions have definitely piqued her interest.
16942 	 Often that's the case, yes.
16943 	 
16944 	 
16945 	 Why? Do you know someone like that?
16946 	 
16947 	 533
16948 	 Well, duh. Why would I ask?
16949 	 "I think so. What causes it?"
16950 	 **
16951 	 
16952 	 Usually a childhood trauma. An illness,
16953 	 or an accident. Most often it's related
16954 	 to sexual abuse in the formative years.
16955 	 
16956 	 
16957 	 **
16958 	 
16959 	 "Does it mean the person is crazy? Can you fix it?"
16960 	 **
16961 	 
16962 	 "Crazy" is hardly a clinical term.
16963 	 
16964 	 
16965 	 It's a form of mental illness, and yes,
16966 	 it can be cured, or at least regulated.
16967 	 
16968 	 
16969 	 **
16970 	 
16971 	 
16972 	 It doesn't happen overnight, though.
16973 	 
16974 	 
16975 	 It takes years of treatment, and the guts
16976 	 to dig down and extract the truth.
16977 	 
16978 	 
16979 	 **
16980 	 
16981 	 Guts? Do I have the guts? I smile.
16982 	 "Guts? Is that a clinical term?"
16983 	 534
16984 	 
16985 	 
16986 	 
16987 	 That's All I'm Ready to
16988 	 Give Today
16989 	 
16990 	 She provided a lot of answers, though, and I'm more grounded.
16991 	 So I get a jolt when she says,
16992 	 **
16993 	 
16994 	 Kaeleigh, if we've been talking
16995 	 about you, I want to get you
16996 	 the help you need. The nearest
16997 	 
16998 	 
16999 	 residential treatment center
17000 	 is in Ventura....
17001 	 
17002 	 
17003 	 **
17004 	 
17005 	 Residential treatment center?
17006 	 "No. I don't want to go there.
17007 	 I mean I... why can't I stay here?
17008 	 Why can't you be my therapist?"
17009 	 **
17010 	 
17011 	 This is a regular hospital. There
17012 	 are no beds available for psychiatric
17013 	 
17014 	 
17015 	 patients. I could treat you, but only
17016 	 on an outpatient basis. You'll have
17017 	 to go home, and all things considered...
17018 	 
17019 	 
17020 	 **
17021 	 
17022 	 "When? When are they going to release me?" How long do
17023 	 I have to make up my mind?
17024 	 **
17025 	 
17026 	 Your withdrawal symptoms have
17027 	 
17028 	 
17029 	 mostly subsided and your vitals
17030 	 are good. Probably tomorrow.
17031 	 
17032 	 535
17033 	 
17034 	 
17035 	 
17036 	 Tomorrow Isn't Far Enough Away
17037 	 
17038 	 "Have you talked to my mother?
17039 	 Does she know what happened?"
17040 	 Why haven't I heard from her?
17041 	 **
17042 	 
17043 	 Your father said he'd take care
17044 	 of it. Hasn't she called you?
17045 	 
17046 	 
17047 	 **
17048 	 
17049 	 Well, of course he'd say that.
17050 	 "My father is a liar." Whoa.
17051 	 "I'll call her. Where's my cell?"
17052 	 **
17053 	 
17054 	 She goes to the closet, digs through my things.
17055 	 Um, it
17056 	 doesn't seem to be here.
17057 	 
17058 	 
17059 	 You can use mine if you want.
17060 	 
17061 	 
17062 	 **
17063 	 
17064 	 It was in my pocket when all this
17065 	 shit went down. Where is it?
17066 	 One answer: Daddy. No wonder
17067 	 I haven't heard from anyone.
17068 	 **
17069 	 Carol brings me her cell. I start to dial and suddenly remember
17070 	 
17071 	 Mom's
17072 	 I don't see a thing.
17073 	 
17074 	 "Will you talk to her? Please?"
17075 	 **
17076 	 
17077 	 Of course.
17078 	 Carol waits, and when Mom answers, the good
17079 	 
17080 	 doctor pulls no punches.
17081 	 536
17082 	 
17083 	 
17084 	 
17085 	 Mom Promises
17086 	 
17087 	 To get on a plane as soon as she can. I don't know whether to feel
17088 	 relieved or not. Totally weird to think this, but I've never been so fucking scared in my life.
17089 	 **
17090 	 I've always believed, of the two of my parents, she was the one I could
17091 	 count on. But I had completely
17092 	 forgotten that bath scene. Who is my
17093 	 mother? Who the fuck am I?
17094 	 **
17095 	 Am I one person? Two?
17096 	 Maybe even more? Oh, great. Maybe
17097 	 there are a dozen of me, doing drugs and sleeping around all up and down the state.
17098 	 **
17099 	 Speaking of drugs, I could
17100 	 use a big fatty right about now.
17101 	 How will I ever score after
17102 	 I get out of here? And which one of me is the loadie, anyway?
17103 	 **
17104 	 I'm sure getting high
17105 	 isn't good for my "condition," but how can I not, if I have to go home? I can't imagine living
17106 	 there any other way.
17107 	 537
17108 	 
17109 	 
17110 	 
17111 	 I Suppose I Got the Addictive Gene
17112 	 
17113 	 From my wonderful father. Something
17114 	 else to thank him for. Bastard.
17115 	 **
17116 	 "Thank him for giving you life."
17117 	 **
17118 	 Fuck that. All he did was have sex with Mom. Probably just one time.
17119 	 **
17120 	 "Have you noticed you're cussing?"
17121 	 **
17122 	 Now that you mention it, yeah.
17123 	 That, I'm pretty sure, I got from you.
17124 	 **
17125 	 "That, and a great sex education."
17126 	 **
17127 	 Sex is disgusting. And I really, really wish you'd quit talking to me.
17128 	 **
17129 	 "No can do. You need to hear me."
17130 	 **
17131 	 Well, if you're so smart, what do
17132 	 I do about Daddy? I need to tell.
17133 	 **
17134 	 "He'll go to prison for a long time."
17135 	 **
17136 	 So what? He deserves it. Daddies
17137 	 shouldn't touch their daughters.
17138 	 **
17139 	 "Not totally his fault. Remember...
17140 	 538
17141 	 Yeah, yeah. So what, am I supposed to just say okay, it's not your fault?
17142 	 **
17143 	 "You could have a little sympathy."
17144 	 **
17145 	 So I just go on home, wait for him to go on a bender, drop in for a little?
17146 	 **
17147 	 "Maybe you should confront him.
17148 	 **
17149 	 Confront him? You mean like tell
17150 	 him to his face that he's a sick man?
17151 	 **
17152 	 "The direct approach might work."
17153 	 **
17154 	 No damn way. He'd deny. He'd
17155 	 blow up. He'd blame me.
17156 	 **
17157 	 "Face it. You're a chickenshit."
17158 	 Damn straight. But I can't take this
17159 	 any longer. And I can't rely on you.
17160 	 **
17161 	 "You always have before."
17162 	 **
17163 	 Sorry. I don't want to be pieces of me
17164 	 anymore. I have to take care of myself.
17165 	 **
17166 	 "Seeing, my dear, is believing."
17167 	 539
17168 	 
17169 	 
17170 	 
17171 	 I'm Deep into Conversation
17172 	 
17173 	 With one of me when Daddy walks through the door. He looks around.
17174 	 **
17175 	 
17176 	 Who are you talking to?
17177 	 
17178 	 
17179 	 **
17180 	 
17181 	 "Uh. No one. Myself, I guess."
17182 	 My belly starts cartwheeling.
17183 	 **
17184 	 
17185 	 People will think you're crazy.
17186 	 
17187 	 
17188 	 **
17189 	 
17190 	 
17191 	 Fuck, Daddy. I
17192 	 am
17193 	 crazy.
17194 	 
17195 	 "I know. I'm sorry, Daddy."
17196 	 **
17197 	 
17198 	 I just got a call from your mother.
17199 	 
17200 	 
17201 	 **
17202 	 
17203 	 I'm going to throw up.
17204 	 "I thought she should know."
17205 	 **
17206 	 
17207 	 I
17208 	 told her we can handle this.
17209 	 
17210 	 **
17211 	 No! No! No! "I want her here,
17212 	 Daddy. I need her."
17213 	 **
17214 	 
17215 	 You're not three, Kaeleigh.
17216 	 
17217 	 
17218 	 **
17219 	 
17220 	 "No. I'll never be a little girl again.
17221 	 You took that away from me."
17222 	 **
17223 	 
17224 	 I'm sure I don't know what you mean.
17225 	 
17226 	 540
17227 	 
17228 	 
17229 	 
17230 	 Wow, Ballsy
17231 	 
17232 	 I can't believe I found the nerve to say that much. But I can't
17233 	 believe he told Mom not to come.
17234 	 **
17235 	 
17236 	 They're releasing you tomorrow.
17237 	 
17238 	 
17239 	 I'll take the day off to bring you home.
17240 	 
17241 	 
17242 	 Then we'll have to discuss our options.
17243 	 
17244 	 
17245 	 **
17246 	 
17247 	 "Options?" What options? Back to school, back to work, back to...
17248 	 Oh my God. How can I go back?
17249 	 **
17250 	 
17251 	 I
17252 	 can't have you getting stoned
17253 	 and running around like a tramp. Your
17254 	 
17255 	 
17256 	 reputation may be trashed, but...
17257 	 
17258 	 
17259 	 **
17260 	 
17261 	 
17262 	 "My reputation?
17263 	 That's
17264 	 what you're
17265 	 
17266 	 worried about? What the fuck is wrong with you, Daddy? You need help."
17267 	 **
17268 	 
17269 	 Don't you dare talk to me like that.
17270 	 
17271 	 He stalks over to the bed, raises his arm, and just as it starts to fall...
17272 	 **
17273 	 
17274 	 I
17275 	 wouldn't do that if I were you,
17276 	 sir.
17277 	 Carol.
17278 	 I'm afraid I'd have
17279 	 to report you for child abuse.
17280 	 
17281 	 541
17282 	 Daddy spins to face her, anger
17283 	 leaking from his pores like sweat.
17284 	 
17285 	 I
17286 	 know the law. Don t recite it to me.
17287 	 
17288 	 
17289 	 **
17290 	 
17291 	 Artfully, Carol maneuvers between
17292 	 
17293 	 Daddy and me.
17294 	 I'm afraid your blood
17295 	 
17296 	 
17297 	 work indicated a problem, Kaeleigh.
17298 	 
17299 	 
17300 	 **
17301 	 
17302 	 
17303 	 We'll need to keep you an extra day
17304 	 or two, to run a few tests. Sorry.
17305 	 
17306 	 
17307 	 I know you wanted to go home.
17308 	 
17309 	 
17310 	 **
17311 	 
17312 	 Daddy backs up a few steps.
17313 	 
17314 	 Problem? What kind of problem?
17315 	 
17316 	 
17317 	 She isn't pregnant, is she?
17318 	 
17319 	 
17320 	 **
17321 	 
17322 	 
17323 	 Carol's grin is sardonic.
17324 	 Funny
17325 	 
17326 	 
17327 	 place for you to go first. No, we've
17328 	 
17329 	 
17330 	 found an electrolyte imbalance.
17331 	 
17332 	 
17333 	 **
17334 	 
17335 	 
17336 	 It's probably from all the vomiting
17337 	 
17338 	 
17339 	 she's been doing, but we want to
17340 	 test her for kidney disease.
17341 	 
17342 	 
17343 	 **
17344 	 
17345 	 Phew. Saved by possible kidney
17346 	 disease. At least for a couple of days.
17347 	 Hey, wait. Kidney disease?
17348 	 542
17349 	 
17350 	 
17351 	 
17352 	 Turns Out
17353 	 
17354 	 The electrolyte imbalance is real, the result of not only puking from Oxy withdrawal, but also
17355 	 **
17356 	 the binge-and-purge cycle
17357 	 that my alter and I seem to have shared.
17358 	 Speaking of bingeing, I'm starving.
17359 	 **
17360 	 "You eat. I'll throw it up. You'd be a regular oinker if not for me."
17361 	 **
17362 	 They weren't really worried about kidney disease. Carol just used
17363 	 that as an excuse to keep me here.
17364 	 **
17365 	 "She's a real pal. What she's really after is dissecting our psyche."
17366 	 **
17367 	 If I let her into my head, maybe she can make you frigging disappear.
17368 	 I'm sick of listening to you.
17369 	 **
17370 	 "Well, then, you go away and let me out.
17371 	 I want to play. And I need to get high."
17372 	 **
17373 	 I want so much to talk to Carol.
17374 	 But I'm not even sure where to begin.
17375 	 Drug abuse. Alcohol, Bulimia...
17376 	 543
17377 	 "Don't forget that lovely bit about shaving until you slice yourself open."
17378 	 **
17379 	 And that's the easy stuff. Promiscuity.
17380 	 Dissociative identity disorder. And the granddaddy of all--fucking Daddy.
17381 	 **
17382 	 "More accurately, letting Daddy
17383 	 fuck you and keeping it to yourself."
17384 	 **
17385 	 Even if I tell her every bit of it, there's no guarantee she can fix me.
17386 	 Suicide sounds better and better.
17387 	 **
17388 	 "Yeah, but you'd have to get it right.
17389 	 Or maybe, just leave that to me."
17390 	 544
17391 	 
17392 	 
17393 	 
17394 	 What Do I Have to Live For?
17395 	 
17396 	 Can't think of a single thing.
17397 	 **
17398 	 Mom? A long-distance mother
17399 	 focused completely on herself.
17400 	 **
17401 	 Friends? Not a single one I've
17402 	 allowed myself to get close to.
17403 	 **
17404 	 School? Can't stomach the thought of seeing Old Man Lawler again.
17405 	 **
17406 	 Drama? Oh well, that's what
17407 	 understudies are for, right?
17408 	 **
17409 	 Boyfriend? Don't make me
17410 	 laugh. I'd much rather cry.
17411 	 **
17412 	 "Hey, you can't really blame him;
17413 	 545
17414 	 
17415 	 
17416 	 
17417 	 I Cant Blame Ian at All
17418 	 
17419 	 He's solid.
17420 	 "You're fractured."
17421 	 **
17422 	 He's hopeful.
17423 	 "You're hopeless."
17424 	 **
17425 	 He's always there.
17426 	 "You're half there."
17427 	 **
17428 	 He's faithful.
17429 	 "You're so not."
17430 	 **
17431 	 He's giving.
17432 	 "You're afraid to give."
17433 	 **
17434 	 He's honest.
17435 	 "You lie all the time."
17436 	 **
17437 	 He's loving.
17438 	 "You don't know how to love."
17439 	 546
17440 	 
17441 	 
17442 	 
17443 	 But I Do Know What Love Is
17444 	 
17445 	 And all because of Ian.
17446 	 I'm still not sure how to give it, but I've tasted
17447 	 it. Maybe that's enough.
17448 	 **
17449 	 Maybe that's more than some people ever get.
17450 	 Maybe I really need to taste it right now.
17451 	 **
17452 	 I haven't let myself break down and weep in a very
17453 	 long time. Could never see
17454 	 much use in it, really.
17455 	 **
17456 	 Tears impress no one. But, oh yeah, there's no one
17457 	 here to impress. So I go
17458 	 ahead and let tears fall.
17459 	 **
17460 	 Rain. Storm. Flood. My
17461 	 pillow soaks with the salt of regret, and I rest my
17462 	 head against it, until...
17463 	 547
17464 	 
17465 	 
17466 	 
17467 	 Someone's in My Room
17468 	 
17469 	 I wake, certain of it. It's early
17470 	 evening, and the room is pale and the soft perfume of roses
17471 	 drifts from the nightstand.
17472 	 **
17473 	 
17474 	 Hey. How are you feeling?
17475 	 
17476 	 
17477 	 **
17478 	 
17479 	 I think it can't be, but when
17480 	 I turn my head, it's Ian's face
17481 	 I see. The tears start up again
17482 	 immediately. "Better now."
17483 	 **
17484 	 
17485 	 I
17486 	 should have come sooner, but...
17487 	 
17488 	 **
17489 	 He stands, comes over, sits on the bed, gently brushes the moisture from my cheeks.
17490 	 "It's okay." He's here now.
17491 	 
17492 	 **
17493 	 
17494 	 
17495 	 No. I should have been here for you.
17496 	 
17497 	 
17498 	 **
17499 	 
17500 	 He opens his arms and I drop into their circle. "Oh God,
17501 	 Ian, I'm so sorry. I don't know
17502 	 what to tell you, where to begin....
17503 	 **
17504 	 
17505 	 Don't. Not now. Just let me hold you.
17506 	 
17507 	 548
17508 	 
17509 	 
17510 	 
17511 	 Must Be a Dream
17512 	 
17513 	 But if it is, I need to stay
17514 	 locked inside it forever.
17515 	 I can't believe he's here.
17516 	 I can't believe he still loves
17517 	 me, but my heart says he does.
17518 	 **
17519 	 "Oh, Ian. I love you so much.
17520 	 I'm so sorry I ever hurt you.
17521 	 If you give me time, help me
17522 	 get well and strong, I promise to make everything up to you."
17523 	 **
17524 	 He's quiet for a long time.
17525 	 
17526 	 Finally he says,
17527 	 I don't know
17528 	 
17529 	 
17530 	 exactly what's wrong with you,
17531 	 or with your life. It would be
17532 	 
17533 	 
17534 	 easier to walk away, put you
17535 	 
17536 	 
17537 	 **
17538 	 
17539 	 
17540 	 and your pain behind me. I've had
17541 	 
17542 	 
17543 	 days to think it over, and at first
17544 	 
17545 	 
17546 	 that's what I decided to do.
17547 	 
17548 	 
17549 	 But I love you so much, the idea
17550 	 of life without you in it is scarier
17551 	 
17552 	 
17553 	 **
17554 	 
17555 	 
17556 	 than trying to deal with this. I've
17557 	 
17558 	 
17559 	 talked with Dr. Shore, who tells me
17560 	 
17561 	 
17562 	 you've got a long road to recovery.
17563 	 
17564 	 
17565 	 I don't know if we can get
17566 	 through this, but I want to try.
17567 	 
17568 	 549
17569 	 
17570 	 
17571 	 
17572 	 Okay, One Thing to Live For
17573 	 
17574 	 And right now, one thing is enough.
17575 	 I have to believe we can make it.
17576 	 Without that, I have nothing at all.
17577 	 One thing to live for. One day at a time.
17578 	 It will not be easy to let him all the way in.
17579 	 But if I can open up to anyone, it's Ian.
17580 	 Okay, maybe to Carol--Dr. Shore--first.
17581 	 Then she can show me how to let him in.
17582 	 One thing to live for. One day at a time.
17583 	 Daddy will try to stand in the way.
17584 	 So I have to push Daddy out of my way.
17585 	 To do that, I need Ian's strength behind me.
17586 	 One thing to live for. One day at a time.
17587 	 550
17588 	 
17589 	 
17590 	 
17591 	 Daddy Comes to Pick Me Up
17592 	 
17593 	 And all the courage I gathered overnight
17594 	 dissipates like smoke in winter wind.
17595 	 **
17596 	 
17597 	 He hands me a paper bag.
17598 	 Clean clothes.
17599 	 
17600 	 
17601 	 The ones you have here stink to high heaven.
17602 	 
17603 	 
17604 	 **
17605 	 
17606 	 Dutifully I go into the bathroom, slip into soft
17607 	 blue velour. It should feel comforting. But...
17608 	 **
17609 	 When I emerge, Daddy is looking at Ian's roses.
17610 	 
17611 	 I
17612 	 hope he has enough sense to stay away.
17613 	 
17614 	 
17615 	 **
17616 	 
17617 	 Wrong! "Ian is the only good thing in my life.
17618 	 Don't you dare try to keep him away from me!"
17619 	 **
17620 	 
17621 	 Daddy's stare is iron.
17622 	 I guess we're lucky
17623 	 
17624 	 
17625 	 you
17626 	 aren't
17627 	 pregnant, aren't we?
17628 	 
17629 	 
17630 	 **
17631 	 
17632 	 "Shut up! Ian and I never...Don't you get
17633 	 that love doesn't have to be about sex?"
17634 	 **
17635 	 He stays in control, in case Carol is near.
17636 	 
17637 	 Don't you ever tell me to shut up again.
17638 	 
17639 	 
17640 	 **
17641 	 
17642 	 "Or what, Daddy? I won't let you hurt me
17643 	 anymore. I swear to God I'll tell everything."
17644 	 **
17645 	 
17646 	 He comes closer, lowers his voice.
17647 	 Go ahead.
17648 	 
17649 	 
17650 	 Your word against mine. No one will believe you.
17651 	 
17652 	 551
17653 	 
17654 	 I
17655 	 will.
17656 	 The voice precedes a woman--
17657 	 
17658 	 not quite familiar--through the door.
17659 	 **
17660 	 
17661 	 Daddy's jaw drops.
17662 	 Mother! Dear God.
17663 	 
17664 	 
17665 	 How did...what are you doing here?
17666 	 
17667 	 
17668 	 **
17669 	 
17670 	 Grandma Charlotte. Yes, I can almost
17671 	 remember her face. Only it's thinner,
17672 	 **
17673 	 her gray eyes clearer. And she smells of expensive perfume. Not whiskey.
17674 	 **
17675 	 
17676 	 She draws near, reaches out one hand, but doesn't touch me.
17677 	 Kaeleigh. How pretty you
17678 	 
17679 	 
17680 	 **
17681 	 
17682 	 
17683 	 are. So like your mother. Forgive my long
17684 	 
17685 	 
17686 	 absence. And, please, forgive my silence.
17687 	 
17688 	 552
17689 	 
17690 	 
17691 	 
17692 	 Six Months
17693 	 
17694 	 Since my grandmother re-entered
17695 	 my life. Six months of relative
17696 	 safety. Ha-ha. Forgive the pun.
17697 	 **
17698 	 I live with her now, in my parents'
17699 	 postcard-pretty dwelling, coiffed and manicured from curb to chimney.
17700 	 **
17701 	 Like me, it's perfect on the outside.
17702 	 But behind the Norman Rockwell facade,
17703 	 I'm slowly coming to terms with our secrets.
17704 	 **
17705 	 That day in the hospital, Grandma
17706 	 
17707 	 Charlotte confessed hers: I
17708 	 was too
17709 	 
17710 	 
17711 	 young to be a mother, only sixteen.
17712 	 
17713 	 
17714 	 **
17715 	 
17716 	 
17717 	 Ted was not a bad man. When I got
17718 	 
17719 	 
17720 	 pregnant, he did the right thing
17721 	 and married me. But we came from
17722 	 
17723 	 
17724 	 **
17725 	 
17726 	 
17727 	 different places. I was a child of privilege,
17728 	 he a sweet blue-collar man. He was my
17729 	 
17730 	 
17731 	 rebellion. And when he couldn't give
17732 	 
17733 	 
17734 	 **
17735 	 
17736 	 
17737 	 me the life I was used to, I fell into
17738 	 addictions. Whiskey. Cigarettes. And,
17739 	 to fight my depression. Prozac.
17740 	 
17741 	 553
17742 	 He cheated, yes, but that's not why
17743 	 I left. I left from utter boredom.
17744 	 And I left your poor father behind.
17745 	 **
17746 	 Daddy winced, but continued to listen. I wanted to know more.
17747 	 I wanted to know everything.
17748 	 **
17749 	 Alcoholism is not a pretty thing, and I was an ugly alcoholic.
17750 	 I moved in with a string of men.
17751 	 **
17752 	 None wanted to deal with a drunk, and eventually all of them showed
17753 	 me the door. One time, I decided
17754 	 **
17755 	 I needed to find Ray, see how he was doing. I tracked him to Santa
17756 	 Barbara, a couple of years before
17757 	 **
17758 	 the accident. Your mother and he seemed
17759 	 happy enough. Happy to have two beautiful daughters.
17760 	 **
17761 	 I wanted to be part of your family, even managed to clean up my act so they'd let me spend time with you.
17762 	 554
17763 	 
17764 	 "So it
17765 	 was
17766 	 you who used to babysit
17767 	 
17768 	 us. I remember we used to play
17769 	 Monopoly and checkers, didn't we?"
17770 	 **
17771 	 
17772 	 She nodded. It
17773 	 was a wonderful
17774 	 
17775 	 
17776 	 time of my life. But then...
17777 	 
17778 	 
17779 	 then the accident happened.
17780 	 
17781 	 
17782 	 **
17783 	 
17784 	 
17785 	 When Raeanne died, I only knew
17786 	 
17787 	 
17788 	 one way to cope. I'm sorry,
17789 	 
17790 	 
17791 	 Kaeleigh. You needed me.
17792 	 
17793 	 
17794 	 **
17795 	 
17796 	 
17797 	 But I needed Dewar's to get me
17798 	 through the funeral. Once I started
17799 	 
17800 	 
17801 	 drinking again, I couldn't stop.
17802 	 
17803 	 
17804 	 **
17805 	 
17806 	 I noticed Daddy's fingers, drumming the arm of his chair.
17807 	 "But why did you go away?"
17808 	 **
17809 	 Grandma Charlotte glanced at
17810 	 Daddy, whose drumming quickened.
17811 	 
17812 	 We can talk about that later.
17813 	 
17814 	 555
17815 	 
17816 	 
17817 	 
17818 	 Turned Out
17819 	 
17820 	 That part of the story helped
17821 	 me make some major decisions.
17822 	 That part of the story went like this:
17823 	 **
17824 	 
17825 	 I
17826 	 wanted to stay in your life, knew
17827 	 
17828 	 
17829 	 you might need me. Your mother
17830 	 was broken, your father cold as
17831 	 the death of his daughter
17832 	 --
17833 	 the death
17834 	 he most certainly caused. The death
17835 	 
17836 	 
17837 	 none of us could really accept.
17838 	 
17839 	 
17840 	 **
17841 	 
17842 	 
17843 	 One day I came over and walked
17844 	 in unannounced. I heard noise
17845 	 in the bathroom, so stumbled back
17846 	 to investigate, about three sheets
17847 	 in the wind. I was drunk but not too
17848 	 
17849 	 
17850 	 drunk to take in what was going on.
17851 	 
17852 	 
17853 	 **
17854 	 
17855 	 
17856 	 Your mother was gone, and your
17857 	 
17858 	 
17859 	 father was washing you. Only the way
17860 	 he was washing you was all wrong.
17861 	 
17862 	 
17863 	 He was touching you in a sexual
17864 	 
17865 	 
17866 	 way, Kaeleigh. I confronted him,
17867 	 but he just laughed in my face.
17868 	 
17869 	 
17870 	 **
17871 	 
17872 	 
17873 	 "I'm a respected judge and you are
17874 	 nothing more than a disgusting
17875 	 
17876 	 
17877 	 drunk. Who would people believe?
17878 	 
17879 	 556
17880 	 
17881 	 I
17882 	 could take you down, Mother.
17883 	 
17884 	 
17885 	 Will
17886 	 take you down. You made me
17887 	 
17888 	 what I am. You and my father."
17889 	 **
17890 	 He ordered me to leave, and I did.
17891 	 In fact, I ran. Forgive me, Kaeleigh.
17892 	 I should have kept you safe.
17893 	 Instead I drank even more to forget.
17894 	 I drank until one day I looked in the mirror and saw death.
17895 	 **
17896 	 Getting sober once and for all
17897 	 wasn't easy. But I didn't want to die until I knew you were okay.
17898 	 And I didn't want to come back into your life, needing Dewar's to cope with what I found.
17899 	 557
17900 	 
17901 	 
17902 	 
17903 	 I Forgave Her
17904 	 
17905 	 She got sober for me. Besides,
17906 	 Daddy played the same card with me, and I believed him, too.
17907 	 **
17908 	 Anyway, Carol says the only way to get past all this is to forgive who I can. Confront, and forgive.
17909 	 Easier said than done. I want to forgive Mom. But how can I when she won't say she's sorry, or even
17910 	 **
17911 	 admit her role in this melodrama?
17912 	 I did confront her. I asked how she could have closed her eyes,
17913 	 **
17914 	 pretended nothing was wrong. She
17915 	 
17916 	 turned it back on me.
17917 	 Why didn't
17918 	 
17919 	 
17920 	 you tell? Why didn't you get help?
17921 	 
17922 	 
17923 	 **
17924 	 
17925 	 I hated her for a while. Now
17926 	 I kind of feel sorry for her. When
17927 	 Raeanne died, it emptied
17928 	 **
17929 	 every ounce of love from Mom's
17930 	 heart. Why couldn't she save just a spoonful--for me?
17931 	 558
17932 	 
17933 	 
17934 	 
17935 	 Drained Dry
17936 	 
17937 	 Of love, she's surviving fine in DC. Comes home once in a while,
17938 	 **
17939 	 more because it's expected of her than to spend time with me.
17940 	 **
17941 	 I think I scare her. I mean, how
17942 	 can she be certain which one
17943 	 **
17944 	 of me she's spending time with?
17945 	 Dissociative identity disorder
17946 	 **
17947 	 wasn't even in her dictionary, let alone on her radar.
17948 	 **
17949 	 Now that it's on mine, I suppose
17950 	 I'll always do a double take
17951 	 **
17952 	 whenever I happen to pass by a mirror.
17953 	 559
17954 	 
17955 	 
17956 	 
17957 	 Except for Ian
17958 	 
17959 	 No one at school knows about the two sides of me.
17960 	 Ian swore himself to secrecy.
17961 	 **
17962 	 Everyone else thinks I had a mild case of viral meningitis.
17963 	 Well, DID is a brain thing, after all.
17964 	 **
17965 	 I missed some school, but not
17966 	 much, made it up quickly, so
17967 	 I'm not really behind. At Carol's
17968 	 **
17969 	 urging, I apologized to Mr. Lawler, who gave me an A for the semester.
17970 	 In fact, I managed a 3.5 GPA. All As.
17971 	 **
17972 	 Except PE. Can't have everything.
17973 	 Drama? The play went perfectly.
17974 	 We brought 'em to their feet.
17975 	 **
17976 	 I still hate Madison, avoid her when I can. But I don't get in her face. The game has lost its appeal.
17977 	 560
17978 	 
17979 	 
17980 	 
17981 	 I Cringe
17982 	 
17983 	 If I see Ty or Mick, who I guess
17984 	 walked until he found his truck and never said a word to anyone,
17985 	 **
17986 	 Ty is the only other person who might suspect DID. But there are lots of reasons for him to keep quiet.
17987 	 **
17988 	 Carol has helped me understand
17989 	 why I pushed myself into such explicit
17990 	 sexual behavior. It was programmed
17991 	 **
17992 	 into me when I was very small.
17993 	 Part of me hated it. Part of me
17994 	 couldn't help but enjoy it. Part.
17995 	 **
17996 	 I'm taking driver's training.
17997 	 When I'm ready, Grandma
17998 	 Charlotte will sign for my license.
17999 	 **
18000 	 One cool thing. She and Grandpa
18001 	 Ted are talking again. Not like they're
18002 	 dating, but at least they're cordial.
18003 	 **
18004 	 I still work at the old folks' home, but only one day a week, mostly
18005 	 just to stay in touch with Greta.
18006 	 561
18007 	 
18008 	 
18009 	 
18010 	 She Is My Real Angel
18011 	 
18012 	 And the only one who understands the depth of Daddy's deceptions.
18013 	 Not even Carol knows firsthand
18014 	 how it feels to be hurt in such a way by someone who's supposed to protect you.
18015 	 **
18016 	 Greta is the one who convinced me
18017 	 I had to confront Daddy with every
18018 	 ugly truth, had to force him out of my
18019 	 
18020 	 life.
18021 	 If you don't, you will never
18022 	 
18023 	 
18024 	 begin to heal. And you can heal.
18025 	 
18026 	 
18027 	 **
18028 	 
18029 	 I didn't want him to go to prison.
18030 	 He probably would have pulled
18031 	 strings to avoid it, anyway. I didn't
18032 	 want to see him locked up. But
18033 	 more, I didn't want to testify
18034 	 **
18035 	 Didn't want the world to hear all the dirty details. Daddy checked
18036 	 himself into a pricey rehab, promised to get his head fixed.
18037 	 Not sure that's possible.
18038 	 **
18039 	 When he gets out, he'll move into an apartment in Santa Barbara.
18040 	 Thirty miles away. Not far enough.
18041 	 But it is what it is. I have not
18042 	 forgiven him. Not sure I ever will.
18043 	 562
18044 	 
18045 	 
18046 	 
18047 	 Ian Still Doesn't Know
18048 	 
18049 	 About Daddy. I just can't bring
18050 	 myself to tell him. He thinks
18051 	 **
18052 	 the stuff that happened is because of the accident. Childhood trauma.
18053 	 **
18054 	 Oh yes, one of many. But he doesn't
18055 	 need to know the worst of them.
18056 	 **
18057 	 Maybe one day I'll be able to let
18058 	 him that far in. But not yet.
18059 	 **
18060 	 For now, it's enough to have him in my life, to see him every day.
18061 	 **
18062 	 Grandma lets him come over, is good with us dating. Maybe
18063 	 **
18064 	 she knows we still don't have sex.
18065 	 Not ready yet. And he knows it.
18066 	 **
18067 	 We've come close. Lots of times.
18068 	 Can't help but get turned on by him.
18069 	 **
18070 	 I'm not a frigging saint. But when
18071 	 we do, I want it to be for all the right
18072 	 **
18073 	 reasons, and I won't know it's right until I get beyond all the wrongs.
18074 	 563
18075 	 
18076 	 
18077 	 
18078 	 I'd Like to Say
18079 	 
18080 	 I'm over my addictions.
18081 	 Not sure I ever will be completely.
18082 	 It's good that Grandma
18083 	 **
18084 	 is in the twelve-step program.
18085 	 She doesn't keep alcohol in the house.
18086 	 And, of course, the Oxy is gone.
18087 	 **
18088 	 I'll never do that stuff again.
18089 	 The withdrawal is killer. Never again.
18090 	 But I have to admit, I've smoked
18091 	 **
18092 	 a little bud. Not that much.
18093 	 I'd probably do more, but it's expensive.
18094 	 And now it's cash-and-carry.
18095 	 **
18096 	 I still use food for comfort.
18097 	 I still purge when I get too comfortable.
18098 	 And once in a while, when
18099 	 **
18100 	 memory intrudes, I still
18101 	 enjoy a good, deep shave. Oh, come on.
18102 	 I never said I was perfect.
18103 	 564
18104 	 
18105 	 
18106 	 
18107 	 When I Do Those Things
18108 	 
18109 	 When I use or purge or cut,
18110 	 I'm still not myself. Maybe
18111 	 I just use her as an excuse to do them, but I feel as if
18112 	 she
18113 	 takes over then. The only
18114 	 difference is, I'm aware of her. I never used to be.
18115 	 I'm not sure if I
18116 	 will
18117 	 remember everything I did as Raeanne. I'm not sure
18118 	 I want to, though Carol thinks
18119 	 I need to try. And hey, I could
18120 	 always
18121 	 blame Daddy. He's my forever
18122 	 scapegoat, really. Okay, that's not so healthy. But totally healthy is something I might not ever
18123 	 be.
18124 	 One thing for sure. I will break the abuse cycle. It stops with me.
18125 	 My children will not live in fear.
18126 	 I will create a home of nurture and love, and raise them safely
18127 	 there.
18128 	 565
18129 	 
18130 	 
18131 	 
18132 	 And I'll Be Watching
18133 	 
18134 	 
18135 	 Watching her. Watching out
18136 	 for
18137 	 her. And if the time comes she needs complete escape,
18138 	 
18139 	 I
18140 	 will walk for her. Talk for her.
18141 	 Take punishment in her place.
18142 	 Some things don't need to be
18143 	 remembered. And I
18144 	 will
18145 	 hold on to those things for her.
18146 	 Carol believes she can make
18147 	 me go away, and I'll pretend to let her do her job. But I will
18148 	 always
18149 	 be the strongest part of Kaeleigh, so I can't let her dispose of me.
18150 	 I'll stay quiet, no more than a dark
18151 	 shadow inside. That's what I'll
18152 	 be.
18153 	 A silhouette, rarely seen, and yet believed in. Kaeleigh wants to believe in me. I am her twin, forever alive inside her. And
18154 	 when she needs me, I am always
18155 	 here.
18156 	 
18157 	 
18158 	 
18159 	 
18160 	 
18161 
18162