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1Topic 5 -- Verbal Communication
2
3"That's not what I meant!"
4
5"But that's what you said!"
6
7"No, I didn't!"
8
9"Yes, you did!"
10
11Communicating what we intend to communicate and understanding what others intend to say are not
12as easy as we assume them to be. The messages we communicate to one a not her are more than
13just what we hear and see. In reality, we are engaged in a highly interactive process of sending and
14receiving messages and meanings, with each of us operating from our own perspectives and
15interpretations.
16
17Some of the messages and meanings we communicate are intended and acknowledged. Other
18messages are not and seem to miss their mark. Some messages are consistent and others are
19contradictory.
20
21The Oxford dictionary defines "word" accordingly:
22
23Word: n. a unit of language, consisting of one or more spoken sounds or their written
24representation, that functions as the principal carrier of meaning verbal or written expression
25
26Human beings have a unique gift: It is the ability to use words to communicate. We can use written
27and spoken words to share ideas with people. No other creatures on this earth have this truly
28remarkable ability, one we so easily take for granted.
29
30Most people know or have stored in memory approximately 20,000-30,000 words. Can you imagine
31how hard it would be to look through 20,000 things in a warehouse for the one object you are
32looking for? Yet, when we speak or are spoken to, the words we are looking for seem to be found
33instantaneously.
34
35Written and Spoken Words
36
37The alphabet and written language were responsible for changing the course of history. For
38centuries, the written word was possessed and exchanged only by the political, religious, economic
39and social elite. It was used as a method of controlling the general populace. Eventually, the printing
40press, literacy, and the distribution of ideas through newspapers and other printed materials helped
41to improve the education and social welfare of all people. The printed word brought about
42nationalism and human rights and opened the door to scientific discoveries. As we shape our world in
43a new millennium, the written word continues to play a significant role as words are freely distributed
44throughout the world instantly.
45
46The written language is a telling of our stories, both personal and those we hear or imagine. Writers
47and authors use written words to send messages that capture thoughts, ideas and emotions. Unlike
48abstract music or art, which are ambiguous forms of communication, written words convey thoughts
49and ideas directly. This is not to say, however, that the written language is limited to straightforward
50expression. The creative use of imagery and language allows writers to convey multiple and hidden
51meanings as well.
52
53The written language is an extension of our ability to communicate orally or verbally. This also gives
54us an avenue to leave our thoughts to future generations when normally the preponderance of our
55spoken words vaporize and cease upon our death or mental decline.
56
57We cannot ignore that written words play an important part in communication and interpersonal
58relationships through such media as e-mail, webpages, newspapers, magazines, newsletters, and as
59graphic information to supplement viewing a television program. When you read a book by a skilled a
60writer, you have the sense that he or she is speaking to you as the story unfolds. When you read
61poetry, the words are carefully crafted to be inspiring or to move your emotions, and you might
62imagine the poet's words being spoken directly to you. In most cases, there is no other personal
63interaction between writer and reader. While it's possible to have an open discussion with people,
64perhaps even the authors, one's actual processing of the text is a private and internal matter.
65Sometimes it seems that spoken language is not well-suited for communicating our ideas. There are
66too many words that are imprecise and that clutter the process. This phenomenon is probably the
67driving force behind people writing in diaries or "journaling." One young woman described the value of
68keeping a personal journal.
69
70I started keeping journals when I was thirteen years old Okay, I don't have to spell out exactly how
71many years ago that was, but let's just say I have filled almost an entire bookcase with those
72once-empty black books Writing was my solace My savior It was the only place I could express
73myself fully No matter how angry, confused, terrified, sappy, distraught, love crazed, insecure,
74hopeful or hopeless I felt Recently, when I came across a quote from a teenage girl, I was struck by
75its precise truth "Sometimes paper is the only thing that will listen to you."
76
77A bookcase full of journals later, I'm better at talking with people, it's easier for me to communicate
78and I know there are at least some people who will listen to me. But I still keep a journal I still need a
79place to let everything out unedited, and I find when I'm in a situation where I could use a bit of
80enlightenment, writing often leads me to clarity
81
82The vast majority of scholarly ideas come from text that we process and evaluate through reading.
83Sometimes we forget that text is a substitute for oral or visual communication. When the text and
84other sources of information conflict, which one do we prefer and why do we prefer it? Do you
85prefer reading or listening to thoughtful ideas?
86
87There are a lot of people who will avoid seeing a particular movie until after they have read the book
88upon which it is based. As they read the book, they form their own mental images of characters and
89events. Then, they check their own interpretation of the author's written words against the spoken
90and visual effects in the movie. If the movie is seen first, then it's difficult to start with the clean
91slate and imagine the appearance of a character in the novel other than as portrayed on screen.
92
93Despite the value of written words, most people want to be involved in the communication process.
94It is possible to develop and maintain an interpersonal relationship and communicate personal ideas
95and feelings through written words. People do it through written text via the Internet and even text
96messaging. There are "pen pals" who have written each other for several years, sharing events and
97ideas that are transpiring in their worlds. Yet, there is a compelling desire to meet people and
98interact with them. The written words are limited because they lack non-verbal behaviors and the
99excitement of being in the presence of another person.
100
101We know that beyond the words that flow from a speaker's mouth are nonverbal behaviors that
102illuminate, or perhaps disguise, thoughts and feelings. Verbal statements and nonverbal behaviors
103are difficult to separate from one another. However, let us try. We can gain a better understanding
104of the communication process by first looking at the verbal components of messages. Later we will
105examine how verbal and nonverbal components interact in all our communication. Let's begin by
106examining words.
107
108Words Are Powerful
109
110A new managing editor of a weekly column in a student newspaper learned about the power of
111words and how they affect those who see and read them. She wrote a few clever articles designed
112to be thought provoking and entertaining. Suddenly, she received a handful of letters claiming that
113she was a hateful, non-compassionate person who supported stealing from innocent victims. She
114said,
115"I've since gone back and looked at the columns and certain sentences and phrases jumped out at
116me I could see why people saw me as a despicable character but their interpretation is not what I
117meant I learned that words in print come across much harsher than when spoken You can say
118something to a person, and your tone, body language and facial expressions show a better picture
119of what you mean When writing, you don't have that option It had a pro fond affect on me I have
120even stopped using Instant Messaging on the computer because it has gotten me in trouble a few
121times."
122
123You may recall this old saying from childhood: "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can
124never hurt me." At the same time, do you also recall times when your feelings were hurt by ill-spoken
125words7 There may have been times when the words hurt enough to make you feel as if you had a
126broken heart. Or, maybe through selective memory, you don't remember such times and choose only
127to remember compliments that came your way. They were so warm, soothing and reassuring.
128
129"Words have the power to destroy or heal When words are t(!Je and kind, they can change the
130world" --- Buddha
131
132"Be careful what you say Your tongue can be a deadly weapon Don't let it go off accidentally" --Unknown
133
134Only a few societies openly valued name-calling and put downs in communication. Generally, we
135question the motives of the sender when slander and ugly judgments are used to communicate an
136idea. Then again, there are times when people must send messages that can confront others and
137express disapproval. Beautiful words are not always truthful. Truthful words are not always beautiful.
138
139Words are indeed powerful. Words can enthrall us, inspire us, enrage us, relax us and depress us.
140Words in speeches, songs, poems and stories resonate in our lives and can influence how we think
141and feel. At the same time, they are the common currency of our daily interactions. Their power, at
142times, may not be obvious, but the impact is still there.
143
144Spoken and written words drive all our communication. Their power affects our relationships with
145others. Some of the ways that words influence and affect us are discussed below.
146
147Words have the power to create images. Words enable us to name and label what we experience in
148our lives. They provide a symbolic means by which we can communicate our ideas and creations to
149others. When we want to describe our world as we see it, we use words as if we were painting a
150picture with them. We are hoping that others, listening to the words, will recreate the same images
151in their minds and, thereby, feel in sync with us.
152
153When we use words such as "excellent" or "unacceptable," we're using language to create images
154that express how we are experiencing something. For example, if you found a particular performer's
155music and style to be vulgar and demeaning and you shared that opinion with others, you're doing
156more than offering a critique of the music. You're also communicating something about your
157perceptions and what you believe to be appropriate and inappropriate.
158
159Words have the power to affect our thoughts, feelings and actions. Words shape the way others
160see us and react to us. Words also influence the way we view ourselves and how we act. Noted
161rational psychologists Aaron Beck and Albert Ellis direct our attention to the role of self-talk and
162self-labeling in how we create images of ourselves.
163
164According to rational psychology, we influence our moods and emotional states when we label our
165feelings and experiences. For example, we might awfulize a situation by using phrases like, "My life is
166a disaster," "This is appalling," or "I'm a terrible person." Words used in this way tend to immobilize
167and demoralize us. Words that focus our attention on a challenge or an opportunity can be more
168productive, especially in problem solving. Thus, our language reflects both our perceptions and
169attitudes.
170
171Words impact our attitudes and behaviors. Consider the different ways people react to labels,
172whether they apply to people, places, ideas or things. The label "old-fashioned" can create images of
173a charming place, a quaint item, or an out of date idea, and it will generate either positive or
174negative reactions from others. It depends upon where the label is attached (e.g., to a house, a
175dress, an idea, a person) and who is attaching it. Of course, it might also depend upon how the
176phrase was said, indicating that words are not independent from nonverbal features.
177
178Words and labels speak to how we see ourselves and how we want others to view us. For instance,
179whether individuals label themselves as head-bangers, magicians or professors, they expect those
180labels to influence attitudes and behaviors toward them. Likewise, the labels that others attach to us
181can reveal how we are perceived and affect how people behave toward us.
182
183There may be some benefits to using labels and names in our speech. They help us to stake a claim
184on our individuality and to link ourselves with others. Creative labeling exerts a powerful influence
185over our attitudes and behaviors, as effective marketers know. Are you more likely to order a pork
186chop or a pig chop? Similarly, many seafood menus offer lisa rather than mullet. Of course, there are
187exceptions, as many people continue to eat and enjoy frog legs just as they are named. Words
188create images and we can be sensitive or insensitive to them.
189
190Words have the power to both reflect and affect culture. As early as the 1800's, linguists were
191looking at the ways that language shapes and is shaped by culture. In contemporary times, the
192impact of hip-hop and rap music on culture and society are undeniable. The music has introduced,
193new words, sounds and attitudes. Although considerable criticism is directed to lyrics of violence,
194misogyny, and sexual degradation, the words and images reflect a worldview that intrigues many
195listeners. Like it or not, some or all, the language and images of hip-hop and rap have become part
196of a shared experience, shaping a culture's collective perspective on life.
197
198Might we study the words of a culture in order to better understand it? Suppose a team of
199researchers from a different culture was to study a record of all the words, phrases, and sentences
200you've used during a typical week. If you frequently use terms like iPod, text messaging, and
201chillaxin', the observers would conclude that these words are representative of what you do and
202think about. But, until they also have a way to decipher the meanings of those words, they will
203understand very little about you and your culture.
204
205Words have the power to influence credibility and status. The words we use, as well as the way we
206pronounce and emphasize them, can influence whether others accept or reject our ideas. They can
207influence how accurate we seem to be and the level of esteem granted to us.
208
209A study reported in the magazine Psychology Today describes an experiment that lead to "the Dr.
210Fox hypothesis." In this study, vocabulary was shown to be more influential than real knowledge and
211accomplishment in shaping people's perceptions of someone (Adler 2004 ).
212
213In the experiment, the sly Dr. Fox presented a lecture to an audience of psychiatrists, psychologists,
214social workers and educators. He received a warm reception and favorable reviews. Alas, the
215speech he delivered was a hodge-podge of information from scientific journals, jokes, non-sequiturs,
216contradictory statements and irrelevant asides. The good Or. Fox, a well-coached professional actor,
217was given credibility more for his refined speaking style and convoluted rhetoric than for the ideas
218he expressed. Admittedly, this study is 20 years old and we hope we're all wiser and more astute
219these days. Yet, there's still plenty of evidence in advertising and marketing reminding us of the Fox
220hypothesis and the power of words.
221
222Research studies have shown repeatedly that a strong vocabulary is the most noticeable
223performance characteristic shared by successful professionals. A 20-year study of college
224graduates concluded that, without a single exception, those who had scored highest on a vocabulary
225test given in college were in the top income group, while those who had scored the lowest were in
226the bottom income group.
227
228Another study helped quantify a direct correlation between vocabulary and rank on the corporate
229ladder. In the study a vocabulary test was given to executive and supervisory personnel in 39 large
230manufacturing companies. The test results where conclusive: Presidents and vice presidents average
231236 out of a possible 272 points; managers averaged 168; superintendents, 140; foremen, 114;
232floor bosses, 86. In virtually every case, vocabulary correlated with executive level and income.
233
234You can spend a lot of money on a new wardrobe, hairstyle and other things to enhance your
235appearance for a job interview; but, if you don't have a strong vocabulary to match, your first
236impression is blown away. Words matter. Every time you speak, people formulate opinions of you
237based on the words you use.
238
239Language Is Words Working Together
240
241Words produce a language. Through a common language, we can look at letters and markings on a
242page and find meaning. We can listen to sounds coming from each other's mouths and often respond
243with understanding. Some people know and understand more than one language used by people in
244the world. One's language development generally reflects class, gender, profession, age group and
245other social factors.
246
247It's truly a wonder, isn't it? How do we learn and apply all this? There are theories that attempt to
248explain how people learn language and assign meaning to both printed and spoken words, but there
249is yet to be a universally accepted explanation for how humans accomplish this feat. We find
250considerable agreement, however, that words and language are both invaluable tools of
251communication and perplexing sources of misunderstanding.
252
253Over 3,000 languages and major dialects are spoken in the world today. The huge variety of
254languages usually creates difficulties between different languages, but even within a single language
255there can be problems in understanding. All languages are subjective and depend upon the
256communicator using the language to send messages that are understood by others.
257
258There appear to be some features that are common to languages in general (Beebe, 2002). These
259include the following.
260
261Language is symbolic. Words are arbitrarily designated symbols that refer to things, people, events,
262concepts, behaviors and feelings. They don't really mean anything at all until someone creates
263meaning.
264
265For example, the word "nose" is a code that represents that thing in the middle of our faces, but
266only because we agree that it does. There is nothing about the word that looks the least bit
267nose-like, yet those of us who speak English know what it means. People who speak French are
268equally comfortable with the word "nez" representing that thing in the middle of their faces.
269
270How about the term "gizzydeech"? Do you know what it means? Well, right now it doesn't mean
271anything in particular. If you can give it a meaning and find others who agree to that meaning, you
272might have yourself a brand new word. Without agreement, however, there is going to be guessing
273and miscommunication.
274
275Words don't have to be spoken or written to be a form of communication, as the existence of
276numerous sign languages around the world shows us. Sign languages are also symbolic in nature and
277have evolved independently when people have come together and created symbols for
278communicating with hand signals and physical gestures. People who are deaf have developed a
279number of sets of hand signals that communicate words and ideas.
280
281Language is governed by rules. Just how well could our symbol-laden language work if we didn't also
282agree to some rules? No need to worry, we have rules--a lot of rules. For the most part, they serve
283us well. Still, we often find a perverse pleasure in noting when these rules are broken or don't work.
284
285Phonological rules These rules take care of how sounds are combined to form words and how words
286are pronounced. In most cases, they do, and when they don't, there's often an explanation stemming
287from the languages English has drawn from. Colonel is one of those words that defy the rules of
288phonics. One explanation is that the Old French word, colonel, was derived from the Old Italian word,
289colonnello, resulting in two parallel forms, colonel and coronel, each pronounced in three syllables.
290For more than 185 years now, the word has been pronounced ker-nel from the coronel form, yet
291only the colonel spelling has survived.
292
293Syntactic rules The rules of syntax take care of how words can be arranged and how different
294arrangements of the same words take on different meanings. For example, "You are here" and "Here
295you are" use the same words but convey different messages.
296
297Semantic rules Semantics deals with how the speakers of a language interpret and respond to
298particular symbols. These are very important rules. Without them, communication would be
299impossible, with each of us using symbols in our own distinctive yet incomprehensible ways. Perhaps
300you know someone who does that, anyway.
301
302Pragmatic rules. These rules help us sort out how language operates in everyday life. Just because
303the rules of semantics help us understand the meanings of individual words, that doesn't guarantee
304that we understand what a person really means. So, we may turn to some unwritten rules as we try
305to interpret a message. Consider the message "Call me," for example. It could be a directive from
306your boss, a sincere request from a friend, or a thinly disguised brush-off from an acquaintance.
307Context and nonverbal signals are vital clues to the meaning intended by an individual who says, "Call
308me ... " to you.
309
310Language is context bound. "My words have been taken out of context!" "That's not what I meant at
311all!" How often have we heard these or similar statements from public figures scrambling to explain a
312damaging statement? The truth is, most people have found themselves in this unfortunate situation
313and, in all likelihood, reached for that same kind of explanation. Without necessarily condoning this
314type of "damage control," we must admit there are times when words and statements are taken out
315of context and their meanings are altered.
316
317Context matters. A dog isn't always a four-legged animal, bad can mean good, and the old lady or old
318man could be someone's parent or spouse. A symbols derives much of its meaning from the
319circumstance and context in which it is used. We need to know that context in order to accurately
320decipher its particular meaning in a particular case.
321
322Cultural context and communication can strongly influence the meanings assigned to both speech and
323gestures. It can affect whether your messages (and you) are perceived as friendly, respectful, rude
324or aloof.
325Language Can Be Used And Misused
326
327It is evident that language can shape how we see and understand the world as well as how others
328perceive and know us. We're well aware that language is used to communicate perceptions, feelings,
329beliefs, ideas, knowledge, desires, intentions and more. Yet, our use of language goes well beyond
330this. It lays the foundation for our interpersonal relationships. Language gives us tools for
331developing, maintaining and ending relationships.
332
333Let's look at some specific types of language practices, with attention to the ways they can be both
334valuable and problematic. Although the following language practices are largely presented in terms of
335polar opposites, real life situations aren't always so extreme or clearly delineated. In addition, some
336of our uses and misuses of language are intentional while others are not.
337
338Language can be used ethically or unethically. Along with the issues of effectiveness and
339satisfaction, language guides ethical considerations as well. This is complicated because our personal
340ethical codes are closely interwoven with our own worldview and philosophy of life, which are
341strongly influenced by the cultures in which we grow up and live. Nevertheless, two types of
342messages warrant attention in this regard: lying and gossiping.
343
344Lying. What is a lie? Dictionaries tell us that a lie is something said that is not true and said to
345deceive. Speaking half-truths, giving false statements, omitting relevant information, and creating
346false impressions are variations of lying. Most lies are verbal, but they will usually involve some
347nonverbal elements as well. We can't always trust an honest looking face, can we? Lies are most
348often told to benefit the person who is lying, either to gain or avoid something.
349
350Gossiping Basically, gossip is third party talk about another person. Gossip seems universal among
351all cultures and a part of many daily interactions. Rules prohibiting gossip would eliminate a most
352frequent and enjoyable form of communication for some people. There are circumstances, however,
353when gossiping is unethical.
354
355For instance, when gossip infringes on a person's basic right to privacy and it can harm the
356individuals involved, emotionally or otherwise, it is unethical. Gossip is unethical when it is known or
357suspected to be false and is passed along anyway. Finally, it's unethical to reveal information that
358you promised to keep secret. In a situation of potential danger, the information should be revealed
359only to those who must be informed and can help.
360
361People interpret and respond differently to such situations and particular behaviors. They use
362different reasoning and act with their own justification. It would be very difficult to work out a
363universally recognized standard, even on a situation-by-situation basis. While there are some general
364guidelines of good etiquette and social decorum, you probably need to think more about where you
365stand on these matters.
366
367Language can be used to be precise or vague. Our words and messages range from the general to
368the specific, with innumerable gradations in between. The more general the term, the more images or
369meanings it conveys. Most of the time we try to use language to make our ideas more clear to one
370another. We use words that describe, elaborate or simplify our messages so that our meanings will
371be more accurately received. We use concrete and specific language and refer to observable
372behaviors when we want our communication to be thorough and precise.
373
374Sometimes, however, we may want to be less precise. For example, euphemisms allow us to
375substitute inoffensive terms for awkward or impolite ones. General statements, ambiguous language,
376and abstract ideas allow us to be more wide-ranging and approximate in what we communicate.
377Dolphins are mammals that swim in the ocean or men who play football in a large stadium, depending
378on your point of view and context.
379
380Another way we can be more or less precise in our language is to vary how directly or indirectly we
381express ourselves. Direct language has the advantage of being clear and unambiguous, enabling the
382other person to better understand our meaning and to respond.
383
384Indirect messages get the other person to say or do something without the speaker having to
385commit to anything. Contrast these two statements.
386
387"I'm so tired of studying I really need to get out and do something I wish I could find out if there's
388anybody I could go out with."
389
390"I've got to take a break from studying. Would you be interested in going out and taking in a movie
391or something?"
392
393An indirect message allows you to express a preference or desire without insulting or offending
394anyone--"No more carrot casserole, thank you, I'm fine." In some situations, you might express
395yourself indirectly by glancing at your watch and yawning.
396
397Indirect messages may have some advantages but they can also create communication problems.
398Indirectness may be interpreted as manipulative and can set up win-lose situations between people,
399generating resentment and hurt feelings. For instance, a friend says, "What are you doing this
400Saturday night?" Now, imagine the question another way, "I have two tickets to the reggae concert
401this Saturday night. Do you want to go?" The second, more direct inquiry gives you more information
402and allows you more discretion in your response. It is something that most of us prefer.
403Messages can have funny twists, at times, when words come out of one's mouth in ways that were
404not intended: Here are a few examples that catch the imagination.
405
406"He is a goal scorer, not a natural-born one - not yet That takes time."
407"We must look at them with a piece of salt."
408"Colonel! We're surrounded on both sides."
409"He was unlucky, or maybe it was just bad luck"
410"Ninety percent of the putts in golf that are short, don't go in "
411
412When a customer asked how long the pancakes would be, the waiter replied, " Not long, they're
413usually pretty round."
414
415A lot people laugh at some of the wacky polysyllabic definitions that the Department of Defense
416uses in an attempt to be precise, such as:
417
418Emergency exit light• flashlight
419Frame-support tension structure• tent
420Wood interdental stimulator: toothpick
421Manually powered fastener-driving impact device• hammer
422
423Sometimes in trying to get the facts, we don't always listen to the answer or perhaps not closely
424enough. In an attempt to get more precise information a lawyer in court asked a defendant: "Can you
425describe the individual?" The answer: "Well, he was about medium height and had a beard." The next
426question from the lawyer was: "Male or female 7"
427
428Translating language from one culture to another can also make it difficult for people to be precise.
429Here are the instructions for setting a watch that was made in China:
430
431Normal Time Setting• Hold B about 3 seconds then push 8 or push 8 once by once (Day of week flag
432above Tuesday flashing) Select flashing digit(s) to be set by push C or A Advance figure by pushing
433A or C Select 12/24 hour cycle option in normal time Then, hold A and then push 8 or when (hour)
434setting 12/24 cycle during hour advance Month and date interchange by holding C then push A or
435cannot be changed
436
437Language can be used to convey power or powerlessness. Researchers in the field of
438communication identified some patterns of language that may add to or detract from a person's
439power to influence others. Studies show that when people use powerless speech mannerisms, they
440are rated as less competent, dynamic and attractive than speakers whose talk is free of them.
441Consider these speech mannerisms.
442
443Type			Example
444Hedge			I’m kinda upset… Maybe we should…I guess it’d be ok
445Hesitation			Um…er…well…uh…
446Polite forms		Pardon me…Forgive me, but…Would it be too much to 
447Deferential questions				Don’t you think …Isn’t it …Wouldn’t it be a good idea
448to ...
449Disclaimers		Not to be mean or anything ... I shouldn't say this, but ...
450
451The negative effects of powerless speech styles are apparent in the outcomes of employment
452interviews, with the more powerful speakers being seen as more competent, authoritative,
453employable and socially attractive.
454
455The powerful speech patterns that work in conventional North American and European cultures are
456not necessarily favored elsewhere or by everyone. There are world cultures in which these speech
457mannerisms would be considered discourteous, impertinent and ineffective, whereas, the "less
458powerful" language would be considered respectful, proper and effective.
459
460The powerful speech patterns that work in conventional North American and European cultures are
461not necessarily favored elsewhere or by everyone. There are world cultures in which these speech
462mannerisms would be considered discourteous, impertinent and ineffective, whereas, the "less
463powerful" language would be considered respectful, proper and effective.
464
465Even North American cultures recognize the value of incorporating mannerly behaviors and polite
466styles into their speech repertoires. Employers, supervisors and others in higher status positions
467often realize that politeness is an effective way to deliver an order, which shows consideration and
468respect.
469
470Even North American cultures recognize the value of incorporating mannerly behaviors and polite
471styles into their speech repertoires. Employers, supervisors and others in higher status positions
472often realize that politeness is an effective way to deliver an order, which shows consideration and
473respect.
474
475Language can be used to take responsibility or not. The language and words we use can reflect our
476willingness to take responsibility for our beliefs, feelings and behaviors. Not only does "the language
477of responsibility" (Adler, 2004) say something about the speaker, but it can also play a role in
478shaping a relationship.
479
480What difference do you notice between the pairs of sentences below?
481
482"It's ridiculous to dress like that " -- "I would feel ridiculous if I dressed like that "
483"It's good to talk with you again " -- "I'm happy to talk with you again "
484"It fell off the table when I walked by" -- "I bumped it off the table when I walked by"
485
486The statements beginning with "It" are less direct and more evasive than "I" language. Using "It" may
487suggest that the speaker attributes responsibility for a message to some unidentified source rather
488than taking ownership. At other times, "It" language may simply be polite or purposely indirect, as in
489the following examples.
490
491"It was my pleasure "
492"It's not your fault that she's angry"
493"It was my impression that we would start at noon "
494
495Statements in the form of "X-but-Y" can be difficult to interpret. When we connect two statements
496with the word "but" the second part usually has the effect of canceling out the first.
497
498"Your paper has a good premise, but it needs a lot of work "
499"I'm sorry I yelled at you, but you were really getting on my nerves "
500"You're really a great person, but (Need we say more?)
501
502"But" statements can be face-saving or provide a somewhat more graceful way out of a situation.
503Otherwise, it makes sense to separate messages so that you're able to convey your ideas without
504the distractions that accompany "but" statements.
505
506"I language" is a way of accepting responsibility for the contents of a message. "You language," on
507the other hand, expresses a judgment about the other person. Later in this course we will show you
508some ways to manage "I, you, and we language" to compliment and confront others in diplomatic and
509productive ways.
510
511Language can be used to include or exclude. Inclusion messages seek to enable everyone present
512to be part of the interpersonal interaction. Inclusion occurs when we provide relevant details for
513someone, seek someone's perspective, acknowledge a person's comment, and use inclusive
514language.
515
516Excluding messages ignore certain people or preclude their participation in an activity or interaction.
517Language that communicates that some of us are "insiders" while others are "outsiders" can
518reinforce barriers between people and contribute to an atmosphere of discrimination.
519
520Along similar lines, the way we speak and use words (and gestures) can build or demonstrate
521connection or affiliation with others. Couples or close friends often develop special terms and
522communication styles that serve as a way of declaring and affirming their relationship. The same
523process works on a larger scale, with groups ranging from street gangs to military personnel. This
524process can even occur in a nation, as shown by the events following 9-11 through which Americans
525sought to connect with and support one another.
526
527"But" statements can be face-saving or provide a somewhat more graceful way out of a situation.
528Otherwise, it makes sense to separate messages so that you're able to convey your ideas without
529the distractions that accompany "but" statements.
530
531"I language" is a way of accepting responsibility for the contents of a message. "You language," on
532the other hand, expresses a judgment about the other person. Later in this course we will show you
533some ways to manage "1, you, and we language" to compliment and confront others in diplomatic and
534productive ways.
535
536Language can be used to include or exclude. Inclusion messages seek to enable everyone present
537to be part of the interpersonal interaction. Inclusion occurs when we provide relevant details for
538someone, seek someone's perspective, acknowledge a person's comment, and use inclusive
539language.
540
541Excluding messages ignore certain people or preclude their participation in an activity or interaction.
542Language that communicates that some of us are "insiders" while others are "outsiders" can
543reinforce barriers between people and contribute to an atmosphere of discrimination.
544
545Along similar lines, the way we speak and use words (and gestures) can build or demonstrate
546connection or affiliation with others. Couples or close friends often develop special terms and
547communication styles that serve as a way of declaring and affirming their relationship. The same
548process works on a larger scale, with groups ranging from street gangs to military personnel. This
549process can even occur in a nation, as shown by the events following 9-11 through which Americans
550sought to connect with and support one another.
551
552By the same token, people who want to set themselves apart from others adopt ways of
553communicating that emphasize their differences. The members of an ethnic group, for example, might
554use their own dialect as a way of showing solidarity and pride in their heritage. Professionals such as
555doctors or engineers might speak formally and use professional jargon to establish credibility. They
556implicitly communicate the message, "I'm different from you. I'm more knowledgeable and skilled in this
557area than you. Trust me."
558
559Language can be used to confirm or disconfirm. Confirming language and messages may be used to
560acknowledge another person's presence and communication or to appreciate a person's individuality.
561They recognize someone's right to have a perspective on life or a worldview that differs from our
562own. We look to others for confirmation of ourselves, as well. When we find it, we have found a place
563where we can genuinely be ourselves.
564
565Disconfirming is the opposite. Our choice of language and the messages we send can convey
566indifference to another person's presence or a disregard for the person's individuality. Our language
567may reveal a failure to recognize the person's right to a worldview that differs from ours.
568Disconfirming builds walls between people and often implies a social structure that regards some
569people as superior to others.
570
571Disconfirming language disparages others based on age, ability, economic status and other factors.
572A disconfirming communication practice in the United States that has caused many conflicts and
573confrontation is the use of sexist or racist language. This kind of language damages relationships,
574sets up barriers, and can be socially explosive.
575
576Sexist language, for example, stereotypes and stigmatizes men and women. It uses words, phrases
577and expressions that exclude, trivialize or diminish one's sex or that unnecessarily distinguish
578between males and females. The reality is that there are considerably more sexist words and
579phrases applying to females than men in the English language. Sexist language often defines the
580world as made up of superior men and inferior women (Adler, 2004 ).
581
582Racist language reflects a worldview that classifies members of one racial group as superior and
583others as inferior. A person's use of language with racist overtones might be unintentional,
584indifferent or careless. For example, most people are aware that in the English language words and
585images associated with "white" are usually positive, while words and images associated with "black"
586are often negative.
587
588There is a musty old cliché that says that good guys wear white hats and the bad guys wear black.
589By extension, white is equated with good and black with bad. This implication has become an example
590of racist distinctions and the perpetuation of stereotypes.
591
592Too often people dismiss objections to latently prejudicial language as petty and inconsequential
593faultfinding. Lack of racist or sexist intent, however, is not a viable excuse for using language that
594sustains discriminatory images and thinking. We are responsible for the words that we speak or
595write. Part of being good communicators is recognizing and valuing the impact of the words we use.
596
597An obvious step toward eliminating racist and sexist language is to make sure your communication is
598free of offensive labels or slurs. Some of this language will be easy to identify, while others will be
599less apparent. For instance, using racial or gender modifiers can subtly imply racism or sexism and
600they usually aren't necessary.
601
602Consider these phrases: black female doctor, male nurse, and Pakistani store clerk. If you don't
603typically use terms like "white male doctor," "female nurse," or "Euro-American store clerk," then you
604probably don't need to use the others either. Sometimes people say they use those terms to make
605a point. Some valid questions here might be, "What is the point and how might you make it
606differently?" and "How might these modifiers be indicators of attitudes that need to change7"
607
608Thus, a basic step to improve your communication skills is to examine where you stand, being honest
609with yourself, in terms of the subtle or not so subtle prejudices you hold. You may have some that
610operate below your day-to-day awareness. What might be some prejudices you're not so aware of
611having7 How might you be unconsciously communicating them through the careless use of words and
612behaviors?
613
614At the UnderstandingPrejudice.org website http://www.understandingprejudice.org/demos/, there
615are some brief surveys and exercises to help college students recognize and confront their
616personal prejudices.
617
618Language can be used to facilitate or disrupt. You may have the impression that most
619miscommunication comes from being unclear, inexact or misunderstood. But, there are times when we
620understand each other well enough and still end up in conflict. Actually, some conflict is normal and
621healthy and you'll find out more about facilitative communication in upcoming topics.
622
623Nevertheless, there are some clashes that you don't need to happen. Here are three harmful
624linguistic patterns you might eliminate so that you can attend more fully to the unavoidable and
625important conflicts in life.
626
627Confusing opinion with fact. Factual statements are ones that can be verified as true or false, while
628opinion statements are based on personal beliefs, assumptions or intuitions. In day-to-day
629conversations, however, it's easy to slip in to presenting our opinions as if they were facts, and in
630doing so we can antagonize others.
631
632"He is the worst (elected officeholder) we've ever had1"
633"Spending money on a new car is a big waste "
634"You're flat-out stupid if you believe that "
635
636These statements and ones like them are likely to less confrontational when they're prefaced with
637qualifiers such as "In my opinion..." or "It seems to me..." Some healthy debate may still ensue, but the
638focus has shifted from the person to the issue.
639
640Confusing inference with fact Difficulties also arise when we sound like we're making factual
641statements but we're really expressing inferences or conclusions we have drawn. Tensions increase
642when we propose inferences as facts.
643
644"You're upset again, aren't you?"
645
646''I'm not upset; why are you so hypersensitive lately?"
647
648"I'm not, it's just that you've been so critical"
649
650"Critical? What's that supposed to mean7"
651
652Trying to read each other's minds or analyze each other's motives is rarely successful or
653well-received. A generally more productive approach is to identify the observable behaviors (facts)
654that have caught your attention and then describe interpretations (inferences) you have made from
655them. After describing your viewpoint, ask for the other person's viewpoint or comment on your
656accuracy. Depending on the subject matter, some intense discussion may still follow, but the focus
657shifts from accusing to understanding.
658
659"When you didn't return my calls for two days (fact), I got the idea that you’re upset with me about
660what happened the other day (inference), so I decided to ask: Are you?"
661
662Confusing information with attitude Using emotive language involves something far different from the
663disclosure of ideas and facts. A more accurate term might be "attitudinal language." Emotive language
664describes something, but it really expresses a speaker's attitude. When a person approves of
665something, a favorable sounding word or phrase is used; when the person disapproves, a negative
666term is used.
667
668In the following examples emotive language conveys editorial descriptions or opinions. Not
669surprisingly, frequent use of such language contributes to and is a sign of poor communication and
670relationships.
671
672Emotive Words of Approval  Emotive Words of Disapproval
673Assertive Aggressive
674Sexy Lewd
675Emotive Words of Disapproval
676Conservative Right wing fundamentalist
677Progressive Left-wing radical
678Candid Critical
679
680Words aren't the only tools we use to communicate. We also have a "nonverbal language" that
681speaks volumes. In the next topic, we'll turn our attention to the ways we communicate nonverbally.
682In addition, we'll take a look at how our verbal and nonverbal expressions interact to shape our
683messages and meanings.
684
685Topic 6 -- Nonverbal Communication
686
687"What you do speaks so loudly that I cannot bear what you say"
688
689--Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882) --
690
691Nonverbal communication consists of behavioral messages other than written or spoken ones that
692have meaning for someone. For instance, nonverbal communication includes facial expressions, eye
693contact, tone of voice, vocal cues, appearance, posture, movement, and the use of personal space.
694
695The messages we send one another to convey our thoughts and feelings are comprised of both
696verbal and nonverbal signals. Two fundamental characteristics- packages and rules-- clarify bow
697messages are passed from one person to another. They help us understand the complexity of
698communication.
699
700Messages Come In Packages
701
702Our words, gestures, facial features and other movements usually work together when we
703communicate face-to-face with others. Verbal and nonverbal cues are coordinated to communicate a
704unified meaning ... or perhaps not. When nonverbal and verbal messages are in sync and appear
705natural, we tend to overlook the significance of a particular part of the message. It's easier to
706attend to the broader cues and avoid contradictions.
707
708There may be times when someone purposely includes a contradictory nonverbal cue, clearly
709intended to be part of the meaning of the message. At other times, the contradictory or mixed
710messages are not as conscious, yet they are still part of the big picture. Someone who frequently
711says, "I love you with all my heart," may communicate a very different message nonverbally, perhaps
712by a pattern of avoiding eye contact, flirting with others or missing dates.
713Nonlinguistic messages are important because what we do often conveys more meaning than what
714we say. Albert Mehrabian (1981), a social scientist specializing in the study of nonverbal
715communication, maintained that 93% of the emotional impact of a message comes from a nonverbal
716source. Anthropologist Ray Birdwhistell described a 65-35% ratio between actions and words. His
717assessment, while less dramatic, supports the considerable impact of nonverbal messages in
718communicating meaning .
719
720Messages Are Governed By Rules
721
722In the previous topic (Topic 5), we reviewed a number of rules that govern verbal language. Similarly,
723nonverbal communication is governed by a system of rules or norms. They tell us what is and is not
724expected, proper and permissible in social situations. Some rules are available in books and courses
725about social etiquette. Otherwise, we learn these rules the old-fashioned ways, through the influence
726of our families and schools, observation of others and the media, and trial-and-error.
727
728These norms are not universal, varying from one culture to another. Different cultures interpret
729nonverbal behaviors such as touch and eye contact in different ways. What may be perfectly
730acceptable or even expected in one culture may be considered improper in another. Direct eye
731contact between a student and teacher, for example, may be considered appropriate, rude or
732aggressive depending on the norms of the culture. Some cultural differences will be noted
733throughout this topic and more will be addressed in Topic 14.
734
735Factors That Influence the Meanings in Verbal and Nonverbal Messages
736
737Now we come to the very heart of the communication process: meanings. What are the factors that
738influence the verbal and nonverbal messages we send and the meanings that are ultimately
739perceived by others?
740
741Meanings evolve. Meanings evolve from the interactions of sender and receiver. The sender's verbal
742and nonverbal messages connect with the receiver's thoughts and feelings to create meanings.
743Thus, meanings arise as we talk and listen to one another. We craft meanings from our own
744experiences, social and cultural beliefs, expectations and other personal factors.
745
746Meanings are unique. Meanings are unique to each individual and specific situation. Since meanings
747evolve from a sender's messages interacting with a receiver's own feelings and thoughts, no two
748people ever derive the same meanings. In fact, because we're always changing, an individual won't
749derive exactly the same meaning on two separate occasions. Applying effective attending and
750listening skills helps us to track each other's meanings.
751
752Also, as you change or add to your insights, the meanings you found in past messages may change
753as well. For example, you might try to gain more insight into the background of a small child who
754often says, "I hate you." There is more being said than the literal words, which may be the best that
755the child can do at times. What else is being said? Once you take time to think about the situation,
756you may be able to attribute a different and less personal meaning to the message.
757
758Meanings feature content and feelings. Meanings of verbal and nonverbal messages are both
759denotative and connotative. They communicate content and feeling. The denotative meaning of a
760word or gesture is its objective or generally accepted meaning. That is, most people would agree
761with the denotative (content) meaning and give similar descriptions. The connotative meaning of a
762message is its emotional and subjective meaning. Connotative meanings (feelings) can be quite
763personal, with perhaps only a few people agreeing to exactly the same connotative meaning for a
764nonverbal behavior, word or message.
765
766Many words and expressions have both denotative and connotative meanings. Examples include
767words such as death, home, school, cancer, love, and dream. The language of hate and prejudice, as
768expressed in words like pig or bimbo, may appear to be denotative but the messages are all about
769their connotative meanings. The same can be said for highly positive connotative expressions, like
770soul mate, friends forever, or the best. Highly connotative words and the nonverbal signals that
771accompany them reveal more about the speaker's feelings and attitudes than about the people or
772events so described.
773Most nonverbal expressions themselves are generally more connotative than denotative. A simple
774nod or shake of the head in answer to a question generally denotes a simple "yes" or "no". What
775about a wink, a frown or drumming fingers? These are more open to personal interpretation.
776
777Meanings are influenced by context. Our verbal and nonverbal communications occur within specific
778contexts, and the context contributes to meaning of a message. The same words or behaviors can
779have quite different meanings in different situations. "How are you doing?" may mean little more than
780"Hello" to someone you see regularly who is just passing by. It can convey something considerably
781more when you say it to an ailing grandparent or when you take time to sit down, look the person in
782the eye, and ask the same question in a deliberate manner.
783
784Sometimes, the meaning of a given nonverbal signal will depend on other behaviors that accompany it
785or are close in time. Wrapping one's arms around someone may be a warm embrace in one context
786or a restraining action in a different situation. In addition, the cultural context of an interaction can
787play a significant role in the connotative meanings applied to nonverbal behaviors.
788
789Important Roles of Nonverbal Communication
790
791Nonverbal communication is more than an extension of verbal communication. Now that we have a
792sense of how verbal and nonverbal messages work together to convey meaning, let's take a closer
793look at some specific roles of nonverbal communication.
794Nonverbal messages play a major role in developing and keeping relationships. People make
795judgments about strangers within seconds of meeting based on nonverbal information. Accurate or
796not, nonverbal cues affect first impressions. Moreover, the more developed or intimate a relationship
797is, the more people understand and rely on the nonverbal messages of one another. This can be a
798fast and efficient means of communication in close relationships. In addition, the level of satisfaction
799with a relationship is often communicated through nonverbal cues such as reduced or increased eye
800contact, voice tones and physical contact.
801
802Nonverbal messages convey both intended and unintended meanings. Nonverbal communication
803behavior originates and influences us subconsciously. Some theorists claim that all nonverbal
804behaviors communicate something. In others words, if we're alive, we cannot not communicate. Try
805it--see if you can totally refrain from communicating. You're likely to find that your behaviors
806communicate something, even when your goal is to not communicate. Furthermore, our behaviors
807often communicate meanings that we're trying to avoid communicating.
808
809Nonverbal messages communicate feelings and attitudes. Nonverbal messages communicate feelings
810and attitudes. They help us to assess how others feel about us and to convey our feelings toward
811them. The rapid exchange of nonverbal cues when people are together shapes personal perceptions
812and evaluations. Our nonlinguistic messages (what we do) often express more than what we say with
813words. Not only do we "say" a great deal about ourselves nonverbally, but we also "read" emotional
814meanings in the nonverbal behavior of others. Most of the emotional impact of a message comes
815from nonverbal sources, especially from the face.
816
817Nonverbal messages have credibility. "Actions speak louder than words." This old cliché exists
818because people find nonverbal communication more believable than verbal, especially when there's a
819contradiction. Nonverbal behaviors can send messages that we don't intend or perhaps even realize
820are there. They are more difficult to manipulate and fake than words. Sometimes, when our nonverbal
821messages are more in sync with what we're experiencing than what we're thinking, it can seem that
822we have little control over them.
823
824Our faces, hands, and feet are considered potential sources of "nonverbal leakage." So, even though
825you are busily masking and maneuveri1g your facial cues, your hands or feet or some other part of
826your body may give you away by com11unicating others things that are happen ng within you.
827
828Verbal and Nonverbal Messages interrelate
829
830In face-to-face communication, our verbal and nonverbal messages interact as •Ne create and
831communicate our messages. This may sound as if this process is purely intentional, but it isn't.
832Anyone who has ever had sweaty palms or a quivering voice reveal their stress and anxiety knows
833this.
834
835Nonverbal behavior can emphasize or complement some part of the verbal message. This may be
836done with a gesture, tone of voice or look. An uncle's mischievous smile to communicate, "This is
837going to be a funny story," or an exasperated humph from a friend telling you about someone
838cheating are examples of how we use nonverbal behavior to add meaning to words .
839
840Nonverbal behaviors can repeat a verbal message, as when we gesture or motion "Let's go" after
841we've said that verbally. They can also contradict verbal messages, as when adults wink at kids to
842communicate they're "just kidding" or when children cross their fingers while telling a little fib.
843
844Nonverbal behaviors may be used to :control the flow of verbal messages. We may make hand
845movements to indicate we want to speak or to indicate we haven't finished our message yet. We
846hold up our hand with the palm facing other people when we want them to stop.
847
848We can substitute nonverbal messages for verbal ones. It might be faster and easier, at times, to
849nod agreement or shake our heads to say no.
850
851We want use nonverbal messages in an attempt to deceive or save face, on occasion. Deception can
852be malicious and hurtful, but it isn't always a situation of concern when someone glazes the truth a
853bit. When suspicious friends ask what’s going on, one might behave in a nonchalant way to conceal
854plans for a surprise engagement party for them. We also deceive in playful teasing.
855
856Darting eyes, palms not visible, shifting from one foot to another, a hand covering one's mouth or
857fingers tugging at the ear-- these are possible deception clues. Yet, most lies aren't detected by a
858snap judgment of one or two signals. False accusations can be harmful to a rel3tionship. Therefore,
859we should be careful about interpreting nonverbal behavior.
860
861Interpreting Nonverbal Communication
862
863The term body language has been in use since the 1 920's, but it wasn't popularized until around
8641970, when Julius Fast published a book by that name. Since it was associated more with popular
865psychology than academic study, the book and its author are rarely acknowledged in college texts.
866However, the book brought public attention to the expressive force of gestures and other body
867movement messages, which then resulted in more research by sociologists and psychologists.
868Subsequently, there has been a stream of experts, websites, books, seminars and articles claiming
869ways to discover the secret and hidden meanings in the minds of others.
870
871Nonverbal messages are often more ambiguous and vague than verbal ones. Nonverbal messages
872and meanings can be mixed and complex. Our differing cultural and personal perspectives may
873operate together or in opposition to each other. Add to that all the other contextual variables, and
874deciphering nonverbal messages can be challenging.
875
876For example, nonverbal behavior tends to flow in a continuous stream. A specific behavior, such as
877smiling or clapping our hands, may have an observable beginning and end. But, other behaviors, such
878as facial expressions, gestures and eye contact, unfold and overlap almost seamlessly, all the while
879contributing to how we and our messages are perceived. The challenge is to sort out and discover
880the larger picture, while balancing all the particulars that are being communicated.
881
882Have you ever been in an electronics store and tried to watch all the display TV's at once? No
883matter how rapidly we scan each one, most of us can only really attend to a few, or perhaps only
884one, at a time. In the same way, you can attend to only a few or one nonverbal cue at a time.
885However, just as you can figure out how to keep up with several television shows at a time with
886adept remote controlling, you can learn to process a variety of nonverbal cues in the course of an
887interaction.
888
889Despite the many factors that influence messages, there are many commonly understood nonverbal
890behaviors. In fact, certain expressions have practically the same meanings around the world. Smiles
891and laughter are universal signals of positive feelings. Certain downcast facial expressions in all
892nations reveal unpleasant feelings. The key to understanding, once again, is listening and looking for
893clues that increase accuracy.
894
895Channels of Communication
896
897The term channel is often used to refer to different types or kinds of nonverbal sources. What
898follows is a review of some primary channels and the messages they send, as experienced in
899mainstream Western culture. In Topic 14, more attention will be given nonverbal communication as it
900relates to the perspectives of other cultures.
901
902Paralanguage Messages. Paralanguage involves the manipulation of sound and refers to the vocal but
903nonverbal characteristics of speech. These include stress (emphasis), pitch (highness or lowness),
904rate (speed), volume (loudness) and rhythm (cadence). Paralanguage also includes the sounds we
905make when we yawn, whisper, sigh, scream, groan, cry, belch and such.
906
907One way you can recognize the workings of paralanguage is to accent a different word each time
908you repeat a sentence. Notice the variations in meaning conveyed with each reading of the following
909sentence.
910
911- I'm not angry ... (but I think you are.)
912- I'm not angry ... (how can you think that?)
913- I'm not angry ... (but I'm something!)
914
915Now try this. Repeat the following sentence aloud to communicate the different feelings indicated.
916Notice that you don't need to know the meaning of gizzydeech to imply a feeling. Your tone of voice
917and emphasis will be enough.
918
919- Affection: You are such a gizzydeech.
920- Irritable: You are such a gizzydeech.
921- In awe: You are Such a gizzydeech.
922
923Communication through paralanguage isn't always intentional. Our voices are revealing, especially
924when we're trying to mask our emotions. We may be able to pull off sounding calm when we're really
925very anxious or pleased when we're really disappointed to a point. And then, some telltale quiver of
926the voice or flatness of tone gives us away.
927
928We form impressions about people based on their paralanguage. Studies indicate that even when
929these judgments were inaccurate, subjects were in high agreement, perhaps due to stereotypical
930assumptions about how vocal characteristics and other traits are related. We use paralanguage cues
931to form various impressions, including:
932
933- Emotional impressions, such as fearful, happy, angry
934-Personality impressions, such as overbearing, outgoing, shy
935- Evaluative impressions, such as dishonest, good-natured, mean
936- Socioeconomic impressions, such as high, middle or low status
937
938Paralanguage is a factor in communication effectiveness. Rate of speech, in particular, can influence
939perceptions, with higher rates of speech associated with greater persuasiveness, competence and
940regard. In addition, in related studies, listeners were able to comprehend nearly as well at higher
941rates as they were at lower speeds. This is good news for media people who want to persuade
942others as quickly as possible.
943
944Silence Messages. Silence is another aspect of nonverbal communication that involves manipulating
945sound. Simply defined, it is the absence of any words or sounds. It can be difficult to remain silent,
946yet silence can communicate just as intensely as anything we verbalize (Jawarski, 1993).
947
948Silence can be used:
949
950- to give a speaker time to think and organize.
951- as a kind of punishment (the silent treatment) or disregard.
952- as a response to feeling anxious, shy or threatened.
953- in conflict situations to block communication of certain topics and feelings in order to cool off.
954- to communicate emotional responses such as determination, defiance, love, or annoyance or
955specific effects such as the importance or gravity of a message.
956- when a speaker simply has nothing to say or doesn't want to say anything.
957
958Then, there are times when silence is a reflection of awkwardness, confusion or indecision.
959It may result from a lack of interest or commitment. It might be a sign of caution or fear.
960To remain silent when a situation threatens one's well being is considered a sign of weakness and
961perhaps self-destructive.
962
963O!!r lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter –Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.
964
965The uses and meanings of paralanguage and silence messages often differ from one culture to
966another. In the U.S., we tend to speak louder than people from more reserved cultures. Embarrassed
967or uncomfortable with silence, we may also feel compelled to quickly fill in any gaps in the
968conversation- a behavior that many Japanese, for example, find offensive. Americans may be more
969likely than members of more reserved cultures to interrupt others in mid-sentence, even though we
970also consider it rude. Generally, if we do this in the course of a lively discussion no offense may be
971taken.
972
973Facial Messages. The face is a versatile and tremendously complicated channel of communication.
974According to nonverbal communication researchers, the human face is capable of producing over
975250,000 different expressions. Facial movements alone may communicate at least the following eight
976emotions: surprise, fear, anger, disgust, contempt, sadness, interest, and happiness (Elkman &
977Friesen, 1975). It's not surprising, then, that we give special attention to facial messages.
978
979Reading meanings into facial expressions is tricky business. Even though faces provide a great deal
980of information, people learn how to control facial expressions. Some emotions are easier to
981communicate and decode than others, however. Happiness, surprise and sadness showing accuracy
982ratings as high as 100%, 86%, and 88%, respectively. Generally speaking, research finds that women
983and girls are more accurate judges of facial expressions and emotions than are men and boys.
984
985There are four types of facial management techniques or rules that people use to match facial
986expressions to situations appropriately (Malandro, Barker, & Barker, 19B9).
987
988Technique Situation Purpose
989Intensifying Your friends throw you a surprise birthday party. To exaggerate your surprise and delight so that your friends feel successful.
990Deintensifiying You took 1st place in a race and your best friend barelyfinished. To underplay your own joy in the presence of your friend's disappointment.
991Neutralizing Your parents are separating but your little sister hasn't been told. To hide your unhappiness so as not to worry your sister.
992Masking You receive an expensive luxury gift when you really need something else. To replace or substitute gratitude for the disappointment that you really feel.
993
994Communications pioneer Albert Mehrabian (1981) said that, when people are talking about their
995feelings and attitudes, verbal cues provide seven percent of the meaning of the message while vocal
996cues provide 38% and facial expressions convey 55%. Therefore, it makes good sense to give
997careful attention to these channels of emotional information.
998
999The same facial expressions, as with other elements of communication, are seen differently in
1000different contexts. When you hear an adult tell a child, "Wipe that smile off your face," you realize
1001that the adult finds that smile inappropriate for the context.
1002
1003The wide variation in facial communication observed in different cultures appears to be more of a
1004reflection of what is considered publicly permissible than of actual differences in how emotions are
1005facially expressed. Cultural differences also influence the meanings given to different facial
1006expressions. For example, in one study, American and Japanese students judged the meanings of a
1007smiling and a neutral facial expression. The Americans rated the smiling face as more attractive,
1008intelligent and sociable than the neutral face. The Japanese students, on the other hand, rated the
1009smiling face as more sociable and the neutral face as more intelligent (Devito, 2001 ).
1010
1011Eye Messages. The face and eyes are probably the most noticeable parts of the body, with the
1012eyes long regarded as the most important nonverbal message system. Eye messages are
1013communicated through eye contact and avoidance. Studies of eye communication show that eye
1014messages vary depending on the duration, direction and quality of eye behavior.
1015
1016Eye Contact and Avoidance. Many people believe that when we look deeply into the eyes of others,
1017we can learn a great deal about their character and honesty. People who avert their eyes or drop
1018their glances are often thought to be hiding something or evading responsibility. They seem
1019insincere, crooked or untrustworthy. People who look others directly in the eye when talking to them
1020are often perceived as strong, honest, straightforward and commanding.
1021
1022Duration In every culture there are strict but unwritten rules for the proper duration of eye contact.
1023In the United States, for example, the average length of gaze is 2.95 seconds and the average
1024length of mutual gaze is 1.18 seconds. When eye contact falls short of this amount, you may
1025perceive the person as preoccupied, shy or uninterested. When eye contact exceeds this amount,
1026you may see the person as showing unusually high interest.
1027
1028Direction Generally speaking, we alternately glance at and then look away from the other person's
1029face during a conversation. A direct gaze is considered appropriate for speakers in Latin America,
1030the Arab world and southern Europe. On the other hand, Asians, Indians, Pakistanis and northern
1031Europeans may be more inclined to gaze at a listener peripherally or not at all (Adler, 19B7).
1032
1033Quality The quality of eye behavior, such as how wide or narrow your eyes get during an interaction,
1034may communicate emotional meanings such as interest level, surprise, fear or disgust.
1035
1036The way we look at one another and the way our eyes interact serve important communication
1037functions. First, we can gain information about another person's thought processes. For example, if
1038another person looks away after being asked a question, the person is most likely thinking about
1039what to say. In addition, we use eye contact to look for feedback or emotional response from the
1040other person as well as to let others know that we're listenin
1041
1042Eye contact is a powerful way to signal when you want to talk or to get someone's attention and
1043when you don't. You can psychologically lessen the physical distance between yourself and another
1044person with eye contact, as you might do when you catch the eye of someone across a crowded
1045room. Finally, your eyes can say a lot about how you feel. The eyes have been called "the mirror of
1046the soul" because they reveal emotions to others.
1047
1048Sometimes we avoid eye contact or avert our eyes in order to help others maintain privacy. You may
1049do this when you see couples arguing or passionately kissing in a public place. You may do this in a
1050romantic kiss, intensifying the experience with a private and intimate moment. Conversely, eye
1051avoidance may also signal lack of interest or social discomfort.
1052
1053Body Movement Messages. We also communicate nonverbally through the physical movements of our
1054bodies, including gestures, postures and physical orientation to others. Body movements are part of
1055our everyday communication and, sometimes, they can even help us bridge language differences.
1056
1057Kinesics is the study of how people communicate through body movement. Some researchers in this
1058field maintain that humans communicated in a language of gestures tens of thousands of years
1059before speech. We still carry remnants of those early communication modes. Social scientists have
1060identified five major types of body movements: emblems, illustrators, affect displays, regulators, and
1061adaptors (Knapp & Hall, 1996). Let's take a closer look at these types.
1062
1063Emblems are body movements that substitute for words and have fairly specific verbal translations.
1064A shrug of the shoulders usually means, "I don't know." A hitchhiker's raised thumb is a way of asking
1065for a ride. These common emblems are used to intentionally communicate nonverbally.
1066
1067Emblems are arbitrary and culture specific, so it's important to exercise care in using your culture's
1068emblems in other culture situations. While some differences are innocuous, some are significant and
1069potentially awkward. For example, in the United States, holding your forefinger and middle finger
1070erect signifies "two," while in Britain the same emblem is a "victory" sign and in Australia, it's
1071considered a crude insult. In many countries, making a circle with the thumb and index finger with the
1072other fingers raised, generally means OK, signifying approval or acknowledgement. But in Brazil, it is
1073considered an offensive gesture.
1074
1075Illustrators accompany verbal messages to demonstrate, clarify or reinforce what's being said. Most
1076of us use illustrators to communicate information about size, shape, direction and other physical
1077properties. Illustrators are more universal than emblems, yet their meanings can differ among
1078cultures.
1079
1080The school crossing guard holding up her hand, palm forward, as she says "Stop,' and the teacher
1081lifting his hands, palms up, while telling his class to stand up are using illustrators. We're often
1082unaware of our use of illustrators. Have you ever caught yourself gesturing with your hands and
1083arms while talking on the telephone? As more phones include video screens, this may make more
1084sense but for now it seems rather silly.
1085
1086Affect Displays are movements of the body, including the face, that convey emotional meanings such
1087as happiness, surprise, anger or fear. The movements of your hands, the openness of your posture
1088and the position of your head are examples of body movements that convey affect. Affect displays
1089may be intentional, as when you smile in greeting someone. They can be unintentional, such as the
1090way slumped shoulders and a lowered head might communicate discouragement or dejection. The
1091face is a primary communicator of emotions and will be addressed later.
1092
1093Regulators help us control and coordinate the interaction or flow of communication between others
1094and ourselves. Leaning forward as you listen to someone encourages the person to continue talking.
1095In a classroom or group meeting, taking turns, raising your hand or crossing your arms and averting
1096your eyes are actions that can communicate whether or not you have something to say.
1097
1098Adaptors include postural changes and other movements that are made to feel more comfortable or
1099to perform a specific physical function. Movements such as scratching an itch, crossing your arms to
1100maintain your space or repositioning your chair are examples of adaptors. Because adaptors are
1101usually done at a low level of awareness, some people try to interpret such behaviors as
1102expressions of hidden thoughts or motivations. However, the validity for such interpretations seems
1103to be oversimplified and overstated. Support for generalizations is more anecdotal than
1104research-based.
1105
1106Touch, or _tactile communication, is probably the first sense of communication we use. Infants are
1107stimulated by touch while still in the womb. They even respond when the mother's skin is touched. In
1108addition, numerous studies show that newborn bab1es must have touch 1n order to surv1ve. Soft,
1109gentle cuddling of a child contributes significantly to development and well being, influencing the
1110child's mental and emotional adjustment later in life.
1111
1112In everyday interactions, touch may communicate five major meanings (Jones and Yarborough, 1990).
1113We may use touch (1) to convey positive emotions, primarily in close relationships; (2) to
1114communicate playfulness; (3) to control someone or the situation, such as getting someone to move
1115over; ( 4) in greeting or departure rituals, such as shaking hands; and (5) in task-related ways, as
1116helping someone to stand.
1117
1118Used properly touch can create a more direct message than using dozens of words. If touch is used
1119improperly it can cause mistrust and build barriers. Touch is an act of invading someone's space,
1120which can be negative or positive. If it is used reciprocally, it indicates unity or solidarity. If not, it
1121could indicate detachment or perhaps differences in social status. Touch can facilitate the sending
1122and meaning of a message and, because it involves intimacy and moving into someone's space, it can
1123add an emotional impact as well.
1124
1125There are some general differences related to gender, age, and dominance that tend to show up in
1126studies in this area. Women are generally more comfortable about touching than men. The amount of
1127touch used in communication usually decreases with age, and dominant individuals are more likely to
1128initiate touch than less powerful ones. In the United States, unwanted touch is becoming more
1129acknowledged as a cause for concern and even legal action, such as in cases of sexual harassment.
1130
1131There are significant differences among cultures regarding the use and appropriateness of touch.
1132Some cultures, such as the Southern European cultures found in Italy and Greece, are considered
1133"Contact Cultures." Their members tend to touch each other more frequently and in more types of
1134interactions than members of "No Contact Cultures" such as those found in the cultures of Japan or
1135Northern Europe.
1136
1137Physical Appearance Messages. We send messages and form impressions of others based on
1138physical appearance, which includes general appearance as well as clothing and adornments.
1139
1140General appearance. Our bodies can communicate without even moving, of course, and general
1141appearance is considered part of body communication. Right or wrong, we form impressions of one
1142another based on general body builds, height and weight, as well as from skin, eye and hair color.
1143Initial assessments of power, attractiveness and suitability are based on physical appearance. For
1144example, studies related to height have demonstrated that tall people are favored in a wide variety
1145of situations. Furthermore, research shows that in all interactions with others and in all cultures,
1146appearance counts.
1147
1148It has long been said that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. We generally assume that
1149attractiveness is culturally determined and thus varies according to culture, ethnicity and even era.
1150In many ways it is. However, recent research and popular opinion suggest that a person rated as
1151attractive in one culture is likely to be rated as attractive in other cultures--even cultures that are
1152significantly different in appearance.
1153
1154Dr. Stephen Marquardt (Marquardt Aesthetic Imaging, Inc.), a maxillo-facial surgeon for 27 years, now
1155conducts research on human visual aesthetics (attractiveness), including its biological and
1156mathematical bases. He developed a "beauty mask," using mathematical computer models and has
1157studied human beauty from ancient times to the modern day. Marquardt found that all groups had the
1158same perceptions of facial beauty, based on geometric proportions, for both genders and for all
1159cultures, ethnicities and eras. You can see his work and facial models at
1160http://www.beautyanalysis.com/.
1161
1162How is this relevant to interpersonal communication? It reminds us that physical appearance
1163influences our impressions of one another unconsciously as well as consciously. Furthermore, our
1164innate and shared responses to physical beauty may be more related to basic drives, such as
1165"survival of the species," than to any personal or interpersonal consideration. Human history and
1166personal experiences should remind us to look beyond first impressions and avoid attribution of
1167internal qualities and traits based only on external ones.
1168
1169Fortunately, personal attractiveness is something we are able to influence, and it doesn't require an
1170extreme physical makeover. Ultimately, it comes from more than just our "original equipment." It's
1171more a matter of who we are and what we do with what we've got. So, we do what we can to
1172communicate what others should know about us but can't see. And, when we give others the same
1173consideration in our judgments of them, we discover other important elements of attraction.
1174Clothing and Adornments. Besides protecting us from the elements, clothing is a means of nonverbal
1175communication. In today's society, the purpose of clothing has changed from fulfilling a need to
1176expressing oneself.
1177
1178Teens use fashion to determine cliques such as prep, jock, punk or gangster. They put together
1179outrageous combinations to make outrageous statements, at least according to adults. Clothing
1180communication is continued later in life by identifying someone in a suit as a businessperson,
1181someone wearing a black robe as a judge, and various job positions based on required or traditional
1182uniforms of dress. Some people are not only concerned about the kind of clothes they wear, but
1183brand names as well.
1184
1185Adornments are another form of appearance. Wearing expensive jewelry may be an attempt to
1186communicate social or economic status. "Look at me, I have arrived." Wearing ceremonial ornaments
1187communicates a different message. "Look at me, I'm in control." Appearance also takes into account
1188personal grooming such as cleanliness, hairstyle, nails and wearing make-up.
1189
1190Body Modifications. Why do people decorate their bodies and why is body modification so popular
1191now? Any time you see a fad or a craze, peer pressure seems a possible motivation. However,
1192Christina Frederick-Recascino, Associate Professor of psychology and human factors at Embry-Riddle
1193Aeronautical University in Florida studied the motivations and personalities of people with tattoos or
1194piercings. She concluded that the majority of college students in her studies said they were
1195choosing it as a way to reflect their identity. Tattoos usually have special meanings for the persons
1196who chose them and they communicate something about them.
1197
1198In other words, the tattoo reflects an aspect of "who I am." It represents an inner personality,
1199interests, goals and life philosophy. Well, at least at certain points in one's life.
1200
1201While the mere presence of a tattoo once signified membership in the culture of sailors,
1202Frederick-Recascino says content now matters. "They really put thought into what they wanted to
1203put on their body."
1204
1205Yet, tattooing is not just adornments added to the body surface like jewelry or cosmetics. It is a
1206tedious, painful process in which the flesh is penetrated, followed by a period in which the wound
1207heals and the design emerges. Piercing is a quick process followed by several weeks of tenderness
1208while healing.
1209
1210Some view such adornments as simply body art. Historically, such body modifications are symbols
1211related to subcultures that are typically marked by negative lore and extreme individualism. They
1212might be considered "rites of passage" into a real or imagined group.
1213
1214Tattooing, piercing, branding, and implanting the body are, at a basic level, an attempt to make a
1215statement. Many view them as a way to identify oneself as a non-conformist, a little outrageous or
1216willing to take risks for excitement.
1217
1218For example, some of the earliest tattoos worn by sailors and seamen were marks of having crossed
1219the International Date Line. It implied membership in a group with others who had experienced the
1220same event. Tattoos are still common with bikers and clans, symbolizing that someone is a member.
1221College fraternities may require members to get tattooed or pierced as a sign of their loyalty.
1222
1223On the other hand, for some young people, tattoos or piercings may just be a way to show off their
1224"wild side." Some like to communicate that they are modern-day taboo breakers and that they have
1225crossed a line that most people would just as soon leave alone, that final boundary between societal
1226acceptance and ostracism.
1227
1228Instead, "outsiders" have to draw from a pool of preconceived notions, including images about drug
1229use, gang membership, or some kind of deviant aspect. There is perhaps a grain of trust in
1230stereotypes and they may apply to some people, but stereotypes never apply to everyone.
1231
1232Body modification has become some fashionable. According to a 1999 study by researchers from
1233Emory and Howard Universities, 15 to 20 percent of U.S. teen and young adult population have
1234tattoos. It might be considered a phenomenon of the 1990s. Prior to that time, "inked" individuals
1235were seen as acting outside the norm or status quo. Nowadays, tattoos are more widely accepted
1236and tattoo and piercing parlors are easily available.
1237
1238Still, some employment centers and agents are cautious and provide some warnings against body
1239modifications. First impressions are heard to erase, especially if they're tattooed on. This may not
1240come as news to some, but North American women with tattoos have historically been judged more
1241negatively than their male counterparts.
1242
1243One employer said,
1244
1245"The people who doing this are looking at the short-term benefit in terms of self-expression…but
1246they aren't taking into consideration some of the long-term negative consequences there is a
1247stigma in mainstream culture against elaborate tattoos, and there will be discrimination in job hiring
1248It's the same with body pierces If they are noticeable and elaborate, people might not be hired for
1249certain jobs''
1250
1251Sometimes modifying the skin is on the edge of "cutting" and is a mark of serious psychological
1252problems. If a parent see cutting, it's a warning sign and could be a cry for help, therapy and
1253perhaps medication. People who use cutting to gain attention are not doing it to be beautiful or
1254make a positive statement; rather, they are trying to release personal tension. It can also be
1255interpreted as "self-mutilation" and a strong message of self-dislike.
1256
1257As part of a research project, student volunteers were divided into two groups. One group was
1258given a picture of a "Goth" or harshly made-up woman with a tattoo on her upper arm. A second
1259group was given the same photo with the woman's tattoo airbrushed out. Then students were asked
1260to rate the attractiveness, intelligence, and trustworthiness of the woman on a scale of one to five.
1261The result? The woman without the tattoo netted more positive responses.
1262
1263The size and shape of a tattoo may be a determinant regarding acceptance or rejection. Does a
1264skull and cross bones communicate something different from a butterfly, a pumpkin, or perhaps a
1265bear? What about a popular logo, a college icon or intricate Asian designs? Body modifications send
1266messages and they are a part of interpersonal communication.
1267
1268We frequently make assumptions about people based on their clothing, including socioeconomic
1269status, lifestyle, credibility, authority, educational background, group affiliation, and moral character.
1270Some social scientists propose that what we wear is a reflection of who we are, bow we feel about
1271ourselves, and bow we want others to perceive us. This is probably truer for some than for others,
1272and truer at some times than other times. One thing we can be sure of is that overall appearance is
1273a notable and an often-manipulated form of nonverbal expression.
1274
1275Temporal Messages. Temporal communication focuses on the use of time--bow you organize it and
1276react to it and the messages it communicates. We can look at temporal messages from the
1277perspective of cultural time, which is generally identified in four ways: technical, formal, informal and
1278psychological.
1279
1280Technical time. This is the precise, strictly defined time used in scientific research and isn't much
1281used in daily life. However, we probably all know some individuals who view time in exact terms and
1282expect things to run precisely on time, while others view time as approximate rather than exact.
1283Such differences reflect the differing attitudes that cultures and individuals have toward the
1284importance of time in everyday life. Communication problems arise when our temporal orientations
1285are at odds.
1286
1287Formal time. The way a culture defines time is formal time. Its units are arbitrary, established by the
1288culture for convenience. In the United States and many other cultures, time is divided into seconds,
1289minutes, hours, days, months and years. Other cultures use phases of the moon or seasons. A
1290college or university, as a subculture, may use quarters or semesters and specific class periods.
1291
1292Informal time. This refers to our rather vague measures of time, such as these: soon, in a minute,
1293whenever, right away, ASAP, forever. Some of us might add sports time (only 5 minutes left in a
1294football game) and shopping time (I only need to get a few things) as types of informal time. Because
1295these terms can have so many different meanings, temporal messages based on informal time often
1296lead to communication and even relationship problems.
1297
1298Psychological time. The importance placed on the past, present and future is considered
1299psychological time. People with past orientation tend to give a special reverence to the past and the
1300ways of the past. Present-oriented people live in the present and for the present, with little regard
1301for the past or future. People with future orientation give primary attention to preparing for the
1302future. Also, psychological time orientation appears to be highly correlated to socioeconomic level.
1303Low socioeconomic status correlates with present orientation and middle and upper socioeconomic
1304levels are associated with future orientation.
1305
1306Different cultures teach their members different psychological time orientations, which can account
1307for much intercultural misunderstanding. When people inaccurately view the time orientations of
1308others as character flaws rather than philosophical differences, interpersonal communication and
1309relationships will suffer. "You're so rarely on time, it's obvious you don't care about our meetings." Or,
1310"He's so rigid. He sets the meeting time and you'd better not be one second late."
1311
1312Furthermore, certain cultures and individuals tend to be more monochromic, which means they prefer
1313to schedule one thing at a time. Time is compartmentalized, and everything has its own time. The
1314United States, Germany and Switzerland are examples. Other cultures and individuals tend to be
1315polychronic, meaning they schedule a number of things for the same time. Latin American,
1316Mediterranean and Arab cultures are examples. Generally speaking, cultures (and individuals) aren't
1317entirely one or the other, however these differences can create interpersonal misunderstandings
1318and frustration when they aren't recognized and acknowledged.
1319
1320Spatial Messages. Normally we don't think about the rules we observe regarding personal space, but
1321they're there. Edward T. Hall (1966), a pioneer in the study of spatial communication, distinguishes
1322four spatial zones that we unconsciously define for ourselves. These zones relate to the types of
1323relationships and communication we have with others.
1324
1325Intimate space, between 0-18 inches, is the zone in which most intimate interpersonal communication
1326takes place. Typically in the United States, if a situation, such as riding a commuter train, causes
1327strangers to cross into this space, they will avoid eye contact.
1328
1329Personal space, from 18 inches to 4 feet, is your "protective bubble." Most of our conversations with
1330family and friends occur here. When someone else bumps into or tries to enter your bubble, you will
1331probably feel uncomfortable.
1332
1333Social space, ranging from 4 to 12 feet, is where most social and impersonal business interactions
1334take place. Our interactions here are more formal than in the first two zones and we are freer to
1335interact intermittently.
1336
1337Public space, beginning at 12 feet, is generally not a zone for direct interpersonal interaction. Public
1338speakers, teachers and performers generally operate in public space. In this zone, the space serves
1339as a protective buffer. Interestingly, whether guards are present or not, people tend to establish a
1340space of about 30 feet around important public figures.
1341
1342The specific distances we maintain between ourselves and others depend on a number of variables.
1343These include status, gender, age, relationship, subject matter, and of course, context. When we
1344feel safe, we require less space arou1d ourselves, and we tend to stand closer to people we like.
1345Large people usually have more space around them than smaller ones, and women stand closer to
1346others than men do. Typically, people will stand closer together in a large room than in a small one.
1347
1348Members of different cultures define their spaces differently. Members of southern European and
1349Middle Eastern cultures tend to stand much closer than those from North American and northern
1350European ones.
1351
1352Not only do we establish zones of space around ourselves, we also identify and sometimes "mark"
1353our territories. Territories and markers help us to establish and communicate our presence and
1354ownership.
1355
1356Primary territories are the areas we consider exclusively our own, such as a desk or a specific room
1357or area.
1358
1359Secondary territories are areas that don't belong to us but we identify with and claim them. For
1360example, we might have a favorite restaurant booth, library table or living room chair. There is also
1361such a thing as a neighborhood turf.
1362
1363Public territories are ones that we usually don't claim in any particular way, except on certain
1364occasions when it suits us. For instance, someone may claim a lounge chair by the pool by draping a
1365towel over it or separate a workspace from others by stacking books.
1366
1367Improving Your Ability to Use and Interpret Nonverbal Messages
1368- Study your nonverbal communication patterns and how they impact interactions.
1369- Pay closer attention nonverbal messages and consider how the complement or contradict verbal messages.
1370- Be attentive to the cultural influences in an interaction or relationship.
1371- Avoid using a single verbal and nonverbal behavior when making judgments about other people. Look for patterns and don't discount the exceptions.
1372- Look for specific verbal and nonverbal cues that confirm or refute your first impressions.
1373
1374Effective communication is about matching our verbal and nonverbal language with our intentions. It's
1375about using all of our language tools to create messages that convey our meanings. The challenge
1376interpersonally, then, is what do we truly intend to mean?
1377
1378Topic 7 --Self-Disclosure
1379
1380Dimensions, benefits, and risks of self-disclosure
1381
1382Who do you talk to? What do you talk about? Communication is about exchanging messages. It is the
1383sharing of information. It is the disclosing of one's self.
1384
1385Self-disclosure is revealing to another person how we see things. It is the process of sharing our
1386personal ideas, feelings, and reactions with others. It is talk of past, present, and future.
1387
1388Not all self-disclosure is equally revealing. Some of the things that we say and do tell more about us
1389than other things we do. In sense, there are probably degrees of self-disclosure during the
1390communication process. At this point in our study, we might view self-disclosure in terms of five
1391dimensions.
1392
1393The Dimensions of Self-Disclosure.
1394
1395One dimension of self-disclosure is the breadth of information that is offered. This involves the range
1396of topics being discussed. For example, you might talk with a professional colleague about work and
1397then at break-time the conversation might shift to activities that are planned for the weekend.
1398Opinions about politics, news headlines, athletic teams or maybe a favorite television program could
1399enter in a brief discussion.
1400
1401A second dimension of self-disclosure is the depth of information that is being volunteered. In this
1402case, conversation shifts to more personal matters, such as a health concern, a family problem, or a
1403conflict that needs to be resolved. These topics are considered to be more personal and intimate.
1404
1405A third dimension to consider is the degree of self-disclosure that defines a relationship. For
1406instance, it is possible to have casual relationships and, no matter the topic, information shared
1407seems to be general and on the surface. A casual relationship can occur in many places and it is
1408usually one that has more breadth than depth. In a close relationship there is more depth of sharing
1409and exploring. The conversation is more revealing and intimate. Our closest and most intimate
1410relationships possess both breadth and depth in terms of self-disclosure.
1411
1412In all of our personal relationships there is usually some combination of breadth and depth of
1413self-disclosure. Generally speaking, close relationships take time to develop and they gradually move
1414from casual to more intimate. One example of a person's self-disclosure, as portrayed by Adler and
1415others (2004), can be seen in Figure 7.1.
1416
1417Some revelations are more personal and significant than others. Consider the difference between
1418saying, "I love that television show" and "I love you!" Or, "A lot of people are entering the medical
1419field" and "I am excited about opportunities in the medical field." Or, "The medical field is difficult" and
1420"I'm not sure that I could be successful in the medical field."
1421
1422Some statements qualify as deep disclosure because they are more private and personal than
1423others are. Telling something to somebody that only few people know about you could be
1424considered "sharing in depth." Some statements are considered private information that only our
1425closest friends might know and, even then, they are not privilege to all of our thoughts, feelings, and
1426things that we do or have done. Sharing a secret is usually an attempt to talk about something in
1427depth.
1428
1429Another way to look at the depth of self-disclosure is to examine the type of information disclosed.
1430Clichés, stock replies, social niceties, and general information can serve as kind of social exchange
1431designed to acknowledge others. They are usually perfunctory and their casual nature help ease
1432people into meeting and talking with one another. "Hi, how ya doin?" "Ok" is a common exchange when
1433people pass by one another or start a conversation.
1434
1435Ironically, these kind of ritualized greetings are not intended as an invitation to share something in
1436depth. The response "Fine" to the question, "So, how's it going?" is generally what might be
1437expected from such a social opening. It would be surprising and unusual if one launches into a
1438detailed explanation of how things are really going in the person's life. In other words, the greeting
1439was never intended to be a serious question. In our society, such casual exchanges might be
1440considered routine and everybody seems to know how such a communication game is played.
1441
1442Another dimension of self-disclosure involves the presentation of information or facts. Every thing a
1443person says or shares is some kind of self-disclosure, although some factual statements say very
1444little about the self. "The political debates are on TV tonight." This may seem to reveal nothing about
1445the person who is simply sharing a fact. It's casual and seemingly insignificant. However, as we will
1446discuss later, when you listen with a "third ear" you can probably sense something that goes beyond
1447the fact and catches a quick glimpse of a more personal side. Think, for example, of the many
1448different ways that such a statement might be made, using the following as leads: With excitement;
1449with disgust, with indifference. If the fact of the debate being held is passed over as nothing more
1450than basic information then any perceptions of personal self-disclosure are missed or dismissed.
1451
1452Sharing opinions goes beyond the statements that are considered facts. They reveal more about
1453what a person believes and values. Even though the topic might seem to produce general and
1454surface conversations, some insights into a person's private world might be gained if you watch and
1455listen closely. Our opinions matter and the way in which they are communicated can make a
1456difference in the kind of relationships that are formed.
1457
1458A final dimension about self-disclosure involves feelings. Feelings are not the same as opinions.
1459Unpleasant and pleasant feelings can be expressed as part of an opinion. The revelation of feelings
1460is considered more in depth than facts or opinions. For example, "I don't think your plan is going to
1461work" vs. "I'm curious about how such a plan will work." "It's a plan that could fail," vs. "I worry that the
1462plan will fail."
1463
1464Levels of Self-Disclosure in Communication
1465
1466The offhand comment, "It sure is windy today," is presented and received differently than a
1467whispered message of "I love you so much." These are examples of different levels of communication.
1468Levels of communication refer to the degree that a person is willing to share their thoughts and
1469feelings with others and the intended message. Communication and relationship building go together
1470and levels help determine the difference between casual and close relationships.
1471
1472There are five levels of communication that are closely associated with the way a relationship
1473develops and is defined. As people become closer to each other, they are able to communicate with
1474more depth and meaning. Communicating at higher levels encourages the relationship to grow even
1475more and last longer.
1476
1477- Sharing Clichés and Casual Comments. The first level of communication is the use of clichés
1478and casual comments. It is the lowest level of talking about your self. There is no sharing of the
1479personal self. Conversations are based on common clichés or what is often called "small talk."
1480You see someone in the hallway who says, "Good morning, how are you?" You respond with
1481"Just fine, thank you." There is a casual greeting but no time and energy are spent in shoring
1482personal experiences or feelings. It happens every day as you see people coming and going.
1483
1484When asked how things went at a party, Jason said "Great" and that he had a very good time.
1485He left out the fact that he was late getting there because of flat tire on his car and when he
1486rushed in he didn't notice the grease on his shirt and hands until someone pointed it out to him.
1487However, in response to the question about the party, Jason assumed that only a quick 3nd
1488polite response was called for and so he relied on some clichés.
1489Casual and cliché conversation may not seem very useful, but they serve a purpose and have a
1490place in our talk with acquaintances and friends. First, they help acknowledge the presence of
1491another person and are, although at a low level, an act of interacting. Clichés and casual talk
1492are often used when first meeting new people or greeting strangers. Many people who are ill at
1493ease with others often become more poised and comfortable when they learn to chat with
1494people that they meet. But, a relationship limited to such talk will not go very far. In some
1495instances, that is all that is expected.
1496
1497- Sharing Facts and Information. The second level of communication is the reporting of facts. It
1498still doesn't involve telling much about the self. People mainly tell what so-and-so said or ::lid.
1499They talk about the performance of teams, coming events, or perhaps relate something :hat
1500they saw on television. Much of what has been called gossip falls in this level. There is no clear
1501sharing of ideas or feelings about the events; it is simply a report of them.
1502
1503Rachel told Sandi during an afternoon study session that a classmate, Ted, had spoke with the
1504professor after class and asked that an exam be delayed because of campus festivities that
1505were taking place that week. Karen told her parents that John and Allison announced their
1506engagement but had not set a date to get married. In each of these examples, the people are
1507reporting facts but keeping quiet on their feelings and ideas about them. Nothing is shared
1508beyond this second level of communication.
1509
1510- Sharing ideas. At the third level of communication, there is some sharing of self. People take a
1511small risk in telling others their ideas, opinions, and decisions. Everyone has ideas about
1512matters - what could happen and what right be done. To share ideas is the first step in
1513revealing to others who you are.
1514
1515Trust usually hasn't been established at this point in a relationship. As you share your ideas,
1516you are looking for signs from the listener that he or she is accepting and not judging you. If it
1517appears that your ideas are being rejected, it is likely that you will go back to earlier and safer
1518levels of communication.
1519As David and John walked toward their sociology class, David remarked that the class was too
1520hard and too boring He wasn't doing too well John replied, "You're smart enough but you 1 don't
1521study and you have a poor attitude about the course, what do you expect?" David took the
1522comment as rejection and said nothing for a few moments before changing the subject
1523
1524- Sharing Feelings. It might seem that by sharing your ideas, decisions, and judgments that you
1525have communicated who you are. You have been open and willing to talk. However, there is
1526much more of yourself that you can share. Sharing your feelings or emotions with another lets
1527you begin to know each other at a deeper level. It helps you reach emotional intimacy and
1528reveals important aspects of the self.
1529
1530When David saw John again, he said that he was going to drop the sociology course He felt
1531lost and frustrated His procrastination tad p1Jt him too far behind and he was afraid of failing
1532John said that he was worried about his friend and wondered what he intended to do about the
1533course He liked being around him and so wanted him to stay in the class
1534
1535In this case, there is a sharing of feelings that go beyond facts and ideas.
1536
1537One block that keeps people from talking about their feelings is that have been taught that
1538emotions are bad or a sign of weakness. Children are told that it is "silly" or "being a baby" to
1539cry. Teenagers are instructed to "stop moping around" or "quit feeling sorry for yourself."
1540Adults are chided with "Don't feel sad, it’s not the end of the world." And, so it goes. People
1541learn to feel guilty or ashamed about certain feelings, usually unpleasant ones. Consequently,
1542they feel vulnerable when they share these feelings with others.
1543
1544In addition, some people believe that certain emotions are better than others. Love is better
1545than hate. Hate is wrong. Happiness is better than sadness. Happiness is desired. Joy is
1546preferred over anger. Anger is a sign of weakness. Therefore, it is not uncommon for people to
1547deny that they have "bad" or unpleasant feelings.
1548
1549In fact, there is nothing basically good or bad about any emotion. As human beings we are
1550entitled to all of our feelings. It is the actions that people take as a result of their emotions that
1551can be called good or bad or maybe correct or wrong. Perhaps an even better way of thinking
1552about such contrasts is appropriate or inappropriate or maybe effective or ineffective.
1553
1554To have a feeling does not necessarily mean that you must act it out in a socially ineffective or
1555inappropriate way. To have a feeling does not mean that you are superior or inferior person.
1556Feelings are a part of us. We may try to deny them, at times, but they are always present and
1557are a powerful part of who we are and the relationships that we form.
1558
1559Tanya was worried about starting her new job as a nurses' aid She was afraid that she might
1560not be able to do the work or that she might do something wrong for a patient Her anxiety and
1561fears were a natural part of beginning a new job and the responsibilities She could have let her
1562fear control and overwhelm her and maybe quit the job in order to escape the stress and
1563anxiety However, she 11sed her anxiety and fear to keep extra alert the first month on the job
1564She was motivated to pay close attention to procedures and her duties Rather than quit, she
1565used her unpleasant feelings to learn and to perform well in her work
1566
1567- Sharing Facilitative Communication. The highest level of communication is called facilitative
1568communication. It is based on openness and honesty. It is a level in which partners experience
1569certain facilitative conditions (e.g., caring, understanding, respect, and trust) so that they can
1570share ideas and feelings at the deepest level of disclosure. In facilitative relationships people
1571know each other well and can be a part of one another's happiness and sadness. They also
1572possess and use communication skills to build and maintain their relationship. In the end, the
1573facilitating skills and level of communication enable people to self-disclose, to give and receive
1574feedback, to increase self-awareness and decision-making, and take effective and responsible
1575actions.
1576
1577This is not a permanent level of communication. While the facilitative conditions might be present
1578more often than not, facilitative listening and responding still determine the peak and memorable
1579experiences in a relationship.
1580
1581A couple had spent their Saturday painting the living room of their apartment That evening, tired but
1582satisfied with their work, they went for a leisurely walk in the neighborhood They listened and
1583responded to one another talk about the events of the day, including the frustrations and the
1584delights As they paused to watch the sun go down, they felt in perfect communion with each other
1585They shared their satisfaction of a job well done, their pleasure at the beauty of the trees and
1586colors of the sunset, and their joy of being together
1587
1588Some additional discussion about in-depth self-disclosure and how it is related to being facilitated will
1589be presented in Topic 16, after we have had an opportunity to study more about communication and
1590facilitative skills. The question now might be: Of what value is it to share personal information with
1591someone else? Why shouldn't my thoughts and feelings be kept to myself?
1592
1593The Benefits of Self-Disclosure
1594
1595Noted psychologist Sydney Jourard explained the value of self-disclosure in his books about the
1596transparent self and the undisclosed self. He observed that as human beings we are constantly
1597making decisions about how much we want others to know about us. We can try to hide behind a
1598mask or pretend to be someone we are not. Or, we can take the step of allowing others to know us
1599as openly and fully. To hide or pretend is to engage in social dysfunctional behavior and will result in
1600self and social alienation.
1601
1602Jourard believed that it was important to share sorrows as well as moments of happiness, one's
1603fears as well as anger, and one's thoughtful concerns as well as those more comforting. We can
1604attain better health and a fuller functioning self insofar as we have the courage to be ourselves
1605among others. Self-disclosure, therefore, is a considered a powerful process that enables us to
1606come closer together, share understandings, and relate on a more personal and meaningful level.
1607
1608Beyond deepening relationships with other people, self-disclosure improves the Quality of
1609relationships. In simple terms, we disclose more to those we like and less to those we don't. In
1610addition, we like those who listen to our self-disclosures and who disclose things about themselves.
1611It is through mutual sharing that caring about one another is developed.
1612
1613There is evidence to suggest that self-disclosure is an essential part of getting to know someone
1614and building a close relationship. Couples who engage in significant self-disclosure are found to
1615remain together longer than those who do not. However, the manner in which self-disclosures are
1616received is very important. When a couple talk about marriage, children, or moving to a new location,
1617self-disclosures can at times trigger worry and defensiveness. The goal is to be open to hearing a
1618partner's thoughts and feelings rather than rushing to conclusions and making judgments.
1619
1620In general, self-disclosure tends to bring people closer together. There is more affection, more
1621sensitivity, acceptance and caring. Think about the people with whom you feel most fondly. To what
1622degree has self-disclosure played in your perceptions and the development of the relationship 7
1623
1624One caution in building close and positive relationships is that self-disclosure must be appropriate. It
1625must be timely and in place where reactions can be given in an open and honest way. Some
1626consideration must also be given to the other person's needs, interests, and values.
1627
1628For example, to disclose that you have sexual urges toward a person when he or she hardly knows
1629you is likely to be greeted with some raised eyebrows and resistance. To tell your partner that you
1630had a sexual encounter with someone else, is risky and must be carefully considered. What is the
1631motivation for such a disclosure? What does one hope to gain? How will it benefit the relationship
1632once it has been revealed? What are the possible consequences?
1633
1634As a general rule, with the help of communication skills, and a positive and caring attitude, almost any
1635unpleasant or questionable experience once disclosed can bring people closer together. However,
1636people must recognize the risk and continue to mutually self-disclose until trust, respect, and caring
1637are renewed.
1638
1639Self-disclosure can enhance self-awareness and help clarity our self-knowledge. Through
1640self-disclosure, you can gain new perspectives about yourself and gain insights into your own
1641behavior. While talking about ourselves we also declare the meaning that things have for us. To
1642describe the experience of watching a beautiful sunset or perhaps the feelings of discovering a
1643special website on the Internet can clarify our self-picture.
1644
1645As we share ideas with others, the words we use and the feelings we experience in using them can
1646help us understand ourselves better. Perhaps you can think of a time when you talked with a friend
1647about a problem that you were having and bow the experience provided enough safety and comfort
1648for you to increase your self-awareness and self-understanding. Resolving the problem may have
1649only been a secondary gain, if it happened at all.
1650
1651Another benefit of self-disclosure is a releasing and freeing experience, sometimes called catharsis.
1652It can be freeing to vent your ideas and feelings with someone else. It helps to get emotions and
1653reactions out in the open and "off your chest."
1654
1655After a frustrating effort in taking a class test, you might talk with a friend and express your anger
1656at the professor or perhaps at yourself for not studying more or the right material. Keeping your
1657feelings pent up might cause more anxiety and stress rather than releasing the unpleasantness in
1658some self-disclosing moments. It may allow you to settle down and take a more rationale look at the
1659situation.
1660
1661There are times when self-doubt can make a person hesitant and perhaps too cautious when a more
1662assertive effort would work best. Sharing feelings of insecurity and the concerns about making a
1663mistake may be all that is needed to free one of an unpleasant experience and provide the energy
1664to take a stand or move ahead with more confidence.
1665
1666Self-disclosure can be an essential part of managing stress and anxiety. Talking to a friend and
1667communicating intimately about personal matters can meet a basic human need of feeling comforted
1668and hopeful in times of stress. Talking about something that we fear makes the experience less
1669ambiguous and more defined. By sharing our anxiety, we can gain insights and discover ways to
1670control it.
1671
1672Another benefit of self-disclosure is that it can play a part in validating perceptions of reality. So
1673much of life is interpreting what we see and hear. Our interpretations are subjective, based on our
1674needs to enhance our survival and self-image.
1675
1676As we disclose our thoughts and feelings, other people will react. Their reactions and comments give
1677us valuable information about our views. We don't have to agree with them or decide whether we are
1678right or wrong.
1679
1680However, other people can help us get a reading on how accurate our thoughts, feelings, and
1681behaviors might be. Sometimes this can be reassuring and we might conclude that we are normal and
1682on an appropriate track. At other times, the reactions serve as a warning that things are being
1683distorted or out of proportion.
1684
1685For example, a young man who was a student at a university met with a counselor and self-disclosed
1686that he was lonely and felt rejected by classmates. He was sure that they thought he was less able
1687than they were and that they poked fun at him behind his back. He dreaded going to class and
1688afterwards would usually pull away to be by himself. He felt he didn't belong. As he self-disclosed
1689with his counselor, he began to realize that some of his fears were based on imagined events. He
1690had supposed things rather than verify them. He guessed wrongly about what others were thinking
1691and as he listened to himself and explored things in counseling he began to realize that he was his
1692own worst enemy in terms of feeling lonely. He gained new perspectives and, subsequently, a new
1693course of action.
1694
1695Finally, it is worth mentioning that self-disclosure can foster increased awareness, self-acceptance
1696and feelings of self-worth You come to know yourself through the eyes of others. With their
1697participation and mutual sharing, you are in a better position to see and acknowledge the many
1698positive aspects of yourself. If they respond to you in negative ways, you make changes, when
1699appropriate, until you gain more positive results and personal satisfaction.
1700
1701No matter how much self-study you may do and no matter how much self-introspection you may have,
1702the fact is: "The eye cannot see the eyeball." We need other people to help us learn more about
1703ourselves. As a part of communication and social interactions, self-disclosure is essential.
1704
1705There are a few cautions to consider. First, the act of self-disclosure can feel so cleansing and noble
1706that one can become self-absorbed The danger is that the relationship now becomes one-sided and
1707self-disclosure has no special meaning. Some of the reality television shows pride themselves on
1708exposing people, encouraging them to let all their thoughts and feelings show for the viewers. It is
1709expected, even though inappropriate.
1710
1711For instance, in one show participants before an audience tell their friends or spouse a secret that
1712they know will be hurtful. The assumption is that honesty at any cost and in any way is the best
1713approach to life. There is little or no regard to living with consequences_ Some self-disclosures are
1714so self-centered that they disregard the feelings of others. To satisfy the person's ego, sensitivity
1715to others is put aside.
1716
1717In one case, a woman told her partner about her infidelity. The affair was over but the guilt had
1718become burdensome. She wanted to clear the air, to be honest, and quit being so self-righteous.
1719She wanted forgiveness. Her partner was stunned and felt deeply betrayed as he listened to her
1720secret. He was angry at the deception and could only think about what a fool he had been for so
1721long. His frustration and anger was vented in such a way that the relationship seemed irreparable.
1722
1723One way to look at the case was that woman had gained some relief from her guilt and threats to
1724self-esteem by hurting someone else. Now, her partner shared the guilt and pain, plus the threats to
1725his own self-esteem. As they self-disclosed more under the guidance of a professional counselor,
1726they were able to go beyond the affair that upset and divided them. They worked through the pain
1727and disillusionment as they explored the inner sources and motivation that took them to the
1728situation.
1729
1730This leads us to a second caution. Self-disclosure and increased awareness can lead to depression
1731You may not have been meeting expectations, either yours or others. Self-disclosure is like a
1732confession and you have now shared your guilt with someone else. Whatever the issue, it is now
1733more in the open and less hidden, from yourself and others.
1734
1735Any discrepancy between your actions, expectations, and your internal thoughts and feelings can
1736lead to a temporary loss of self-esteem. If it is too painful, then denial and other defenses may
1737result, or mood-altering drugs might be used to dull the hurt.
1738
1739Depression from self-disclosure and self-awareness is also related to the kind of reaction that is
1740received. If after some personal revelations you sense that the other person is shocked,
1741disappointed, or wanting to avoid talking more, then self-doubt about self-disclosing comes into play.
1742If the person responds in a caring and facilitative way, helping you think about things, then you will
1743sense support and worry less about what you disclosed. You will feel accepted.
1744
1745Appropriate Self-Disclosure.
1746
1747Despite the benefits of self-disclosure, most: people are guarded and resist self-disclosing,
1748especially a deeper and more personal level. In addition, Johnson (2003) provided some guidelines
1749for keeping self-disclosure appropriate. Disclosures should:
1750
1751- Be part of an ongoing relationship and not random or isolated.
1752- Focus on what is happening between persons in the present.
1753- Consider the effects on the other person. Will it cause distress?
1754- Have a reasonable chance of improving the relationship.
1755- Continue only if disclosures are reciprocated.
1756- Be increased when a crisis develops in the relationship.
1757- Gradually move to a deeper level.
1758- Be kept to oneself when the other person is competitive or untrustworthy.
1759
1760Of course, there are exceptions. If you keep everything to yourself and refuse to let anyone know
1761much about you, then you are go1ng to be traveling a lonely path 1n lite. A lack ot sell-disclosure
1762keeps people away. Yet, revealing too much and too fast can scare people away.
1763
1764Relationships are generally built gradually and in stages. Occasionally, you might throw caution to the
1765wind and risk sharing deep personal reactions to strangers. This is more likely to happen when you
1766probably won't be seeing them again or plan to include them in your daily life.
1767
1768It is interesting, for example, how to two strangers on an airplane might share personal things about
1769their families that they generally keep from others. They say goodbye and imagine that the
1770information will disappear in short-term memory and never be used against them. It was a safe
1771encounter and the risk of self-disclosure was minimal.
1772
1773You may have had an occasion where you talked with a stranger briefly about a private matter that
1774was on your mind. Upon reflection, it might have surprised you or perhaps you thought nothing of it.
1775You vented your ideas and feelings with no apparent consequence. It was as if two ships passed,
1776sending friendly signals before moving apart.
1777
1778That same disclosure to a colleague at work or perhaps a neighbor, on the other hand, is riskier.
1779These are people that you see everyday and you may not be sure how they will use the shared
1780information. Will it change the relationship? Will they now see you in a different light? How much do
1781you trust them? Was it a secret or confidential? Do you mind if they pass the information on to
1782others?
1783
1784What about intimate relationships? What difference does self-disclosure make? How open and honest
1785should one be with people they love and care about?
1786
1787One of the characteristics of love relationships that flower is a relatively high degree of m11t1Jal
1788self-disclosure -- a willingness to let 01 1r partner enter into the interior of 011r private world and a
1789genuine interest in the private world of that partner Couples in love tend to show more of
1790themselves to each other than to any other person
1791
1792--Nathaniel Branden--
1793
1794A couple may be romantically committed to each other, but who discloses the most personal
1795information within that relationship? Byers and Demmons (1999) studied self-disclosure as it occurs
1796within the dating relationships of college-aged individuals. The researchers discovered, not
1797surprisingly, that regularity of affection, relationship satisfaction, and the amount of commitment are
1798directly related to the disclosure of personal information. This included sexual likes and dislikes.
1799Relationships are enhanced if individuals perceive their partners as reciprocating in self-disclosures.
1800Couples in the study also indicated that, although self-disclosure was high, they did not reveal
1801everything to their partners.
1802
1803In general, it appears there are many ways to predict the quality and longevity of college students'
1804romantic relationships, such as exploring personality and even advice from family and friends. The
1805overall conclusion is that "like attracts like" and more open and honest communication can enhance a
1806relationship. High self-esteem and good mental health also increase an individual's chances of
1807succeeding in a romantic relationship.
1808
1809Some relationships are not reciprocal in terms of self-disclosure. For instance, there are professional
1810helping relationships where you can receive the services of specialists. You do most of the talking
1811and they do most of the listening. You are the client or patient and you are the focus of discussion.
1812
1813You don't want to hold back information from your doctor, who can help you lead a healthier life or
1814perhaps treat an illness. You don't want to hold back information with a counselor, minister, lawyer,
1815or a licensed helper who want to keep the focus of topics and conversation on your needs and
1816interests.
1817
1818Ministers, doctors, and lawyers have the right of privileged communication (Topic 16) and what you
1819reveal to them is confidential. They cannot use the information in a court of law.
1820
1821You can self-disclose and problem-solve with people who may not be professionals but who have the
1822ability and inclination to be of assistance. They know how to facilitate a helping relationship and you
1823feel comfortable self-disclosing to them. They can be trusted to have your welfare at heart. Again,
1824the sharing may not be mutual because your needs and interests are center stage.
1825
1826There is some research to suggest that only a dysfunctioning person will self-disclose deep feelings
1827and secrets to a group of people who he or she hardly knows. There is no trust level. There is no
1828reason to believe that there are helpful and facilitative conditions present.
1829
1830Risky Self-Disclosures.
1831
1832It is not uncommon for high school English teachers or undergraduate professors to require students
1833to write papers in which they disclose personal information about themselves. They might write on a
1834wide range of topics and some have been deemed too personal or threatening to discuss in a
1835classroom. The assumption is that the assignment can increase a writer's self-awareness, which then
1836might be related to literature or perhaps an event that took place in history.
1837
1838Topics might involve a grieving loss, coping with a divorce or the break up of a relationship,
1839confronting sexual abuse, encountering racial prejudice, or perhaps dealing with a drug and alcohol
1840related problem. The assignment could arouse shame and guilt in the writer and the compelling
1841stories may be deeply moving and painful to the reader. There is usually an element of secrecy and
1842maybe a writer has been silent about the subject for a long time. For these and other reasons, there
1843have been some objections by psychologists and school administrators.
1844
1845On the other hand, despite the controversial nature of such self-disclosing assignments, there are
1846some similarities between "writing cures" and "talking cures." Personal writing is not a substitute for
1847therapy. The role of the teacher or professor is to act as an empathic listener and respond
1848sensitively. It would be a mistake for them to pretend to be professional counselors or therapists,
1849but they can be the first line of assistance.
1850
1851Written self-disclosures can result in cathartic experiences and, if the disclosure is treated with
1852respect and caring, it might be timely and healthy. In addition, writers who risk personal
1853self-disclosure with a teacher or professor can be called in for a conference and after some
1854discussion might be referred to professional helpers who can assist them with personal problems
1855and concerns. What a person chooses to write about and disclose often depends upon facilitative
1856conditions, which are discussed below.
1857
1858For those who have a disability, there is a perceived risk of self-disclosure but there may be some
1859benefits that exceed the risk and fear of being labeled. If, for example, you have a learning disability
1860and medical and educational records can support it, then whether or not to disclose the information
1861to the university is a personal choice. Laws protect students with disabilities and are designed to
1862afford equal opportunities to them.
1863
1864There are some benefits to self-disclosing a disability. Sometimes accommodations can be made that
1865give a student more opportunity to participate in the learning process. This might, for instance,
1866include taped textbooks, note takers, interpreters, readers, extended time for assignments and
1867test-taking, library assistance, and perhaps some modification of class exams. Those students whose
1868self-image is at stake and fear that others will think less of them might choose to hide their
1869disabilities. In this day and age, this discomfort could be mistake.
1870
1871If disclosing a disability is too discomforting and there is a continued fear of being misjudged, then a
1872support group might be helpful. Talking and disclosing with others who have a similar problem or
1873concern can be a first step that moves one to become more open with others.
1874
1875There are some health issues that are difficult to face and discuss. For instance, sex related
1876diseases must be disclosed and it can be done in a timely way. HIV infected people, for example,
1877anticipate initial rejection upon disclosure. When dating, one health expert suggested that the
1878condition should not be kept a secret because of its potential hazards for another individual. He
1879suggested that it be done during a second date and before having sex with a partner. Why not the
1880first date? Well, because there may be no second date if the attraction is not there. Don't ask; tell.
1881What about telling a boss? Parents? Children? In these difficult and stressful situations, the person
1882must pick the right moment, consider the person's maturity level, potential for support, and expect
1883rejection. Be prepared to answer personal questions. Although risky, the ethical obligation takes
1884precedence over self-delusions and indulgence.
1885
1886The inhibition of feelings, thoughts, and behaviors after experiencing a traumatic event has been
1887shown to negatively impact health. In this context, inhibition means limiting actions, denying events,
1888and distorting feelings that would naturally occur. It has been asserted, for example, that those who
1889experience especially shameful or embarrassing life events, such as rape or child abuse, may be
1890more likely to experience poor health because of the stress that inhibition places on the body.
1891
1892By disclosing emotional material, an individual can reduce the stress placed on his or her body.
1893Emotional disclosure often leads an individual to deeply process the feelings and behaviors
1894associated with a traumatic event. Although events can never be undone, a deep processing and
1895re-experiencing of the event can, given the right circumstances, result in healthy perspectives and
1896insights. That makes it possible for a person to gain self-confidence and to take responsibility for
1897creating a positive perspective on life and the future.
1898
1899Topic 8 --Listening
1900
1901Listening is the first essential communication skill. It has been known for decades that listening ranks
1902at the top of the list in terms of importance in communication. It's been reported that adults spend
1903about 70 percent of their time communicating. Writing took 9 percent and reading 16 percent,
1904speaking 30 percent, and listening 45 percent.
1905
1906Even though we may worry about what we are going to say in a conversation, research in
1907communication emphasizes that listening is valued more than speaking. Numerous studies report that
1908listening is the most important communication skill for entry-level workers, supervisors and managers.
1909It affects job productivity, upward mobility, working relationships, training, and several other aspects
1910of job and career success (Marchant, 1999).
1911
1912When several hundred human resource executives were asked to identify skills of the ideal manager,
1913the ability to listen effectively ranked at the top of the list (Winsor, et al., 1997). In problem-solving
1914groups, the best leaders were judged to have the most effective listening skills (Johnson & Bechler,
19151998). When senior executives were asked what skills were most important on the job, they
1916identified listening more often than any other skill, including technical competence, computer
1917knowledge, creativity, and administrative talent (Gabric & McFadden, 2001 ).
1918
1919When a group of adults were asked to rank various communication skills, listening was highest on the
1920family/social list as well as the career list. In committed relationships, listening is considered a
1921primary factor in determining satisfaction (Prager & Buhrmester, 1998).
1922
1923Ironically, there are few studies that examine how people think they listen and how competent they
1924actually are in their ability to listen. While everyone seems to recognize that listening is an important
1925skill, people rarely see themselves as needing to improve their listening skills.
1926
1927In one study (Brownell, 1990), a group of managers were asked to rate their listening skills. Not one
1928manager described himself or herself as a "poor" or "very poor" listener, while 94 percent rated
1929themselves as "good" or "very good." These favorable self-ratings were at odds with their
1930employees, many of whom said that their manager's skills were weak. These same findings have also
1931been confirmed as being true of middle and high school teachers, who tend to give themselves high
1932ratings for listening to students, while students and educational consultants give them lower marks
1933(Myrick, 2003).
1934
1935There are some valuable communication skills that can help improve listening. These can be learned
1936through instruction and training. They will be presented in this topic. But, first, let's look at some
1937reasons why listening is so highly valued.
1938
1939Reasons for Careful Listening
1940
1941Adler (2004) and his colleagues described four reasons for increasing one's listening skills.
1942
1943-The first is to gain and retain information. This can lead to more personal and professional
1944success. For instance, listening carefully to instructions and advice from supervisors, teachers,
1945and employers will help in the understanding of an organization's procedures and the needs and
1946interests of others in the organization. It can also be valuable in discovering the interests and
1947concerns of customers and clients in almost every job.
1948
1949- A second reason is that good listening enables you 1.0. evaluate the quality of what is being
1950said. Critical listeners are able to hear a speaker's words and understand the ideas without
1951necessarily agreeing with them. It is an analytical skill that depends upon accurate listening and
1952is different from empathic listening where the emphasis is upon understanding what a person is
1953experiencing. This type of listening is valuable in a university course where ideas are being
1954explored, and it is crucial at professional and business meetings where new ideas are
1955presented in an attempt to improve a company's effectiveness. When choices and decisions
1956must be made, this kind of listening is high priority.
1957
1958- A third reason for listening is 1.0. build and maintain relationships. Some relationships never
1959develop because listening skills are so weak or ineffective. In surveys of couples, it is evident
1960that it is essential to take "the other persons" perspective into account and this requires
1961attentive listening. Communication problems among couples are often centered on listening.
1962When a couple loses interest in one another, they become less attentive to one another. They
1963take one another for granted and seldom take time to hear what the other is really saying.
1964Marriage counselors report that a common complaint among those seeking a divorce is: "'We
1965don't talk much anymore."' If you don't think someone is listening to you, why talk with the
1966person?
1967
1968- A fourth reason is to help others think about and explore concerns. Listening is a critical tool
1969for professional helpers to use with their clients and customers. In order to offer sound and
1970appropriate service, doctors, lawyers, counselors, teachers, and others in service and helping
1971professions must be able to listen carefully. It is the first step in facilitating people to explore
1972and gain insights to personal issues and concerns. Friends and family members also seek our
1973help at times and they are counting on us to listen to them. You don't have to be a professional
1974therapist or counselor to implement basic communication skills that facilitate others. You begin
1975by sharpening your listening skills.
1976
1977The Listening Sequence
1978
1979Joseph DeVito (2002) described a sequence of five stages: receiving, understanding, remembering,
1980evaluating, and responding. Drawing upon various models and theories, he viewed the listening
1981process as a circular one where people were stimulated to listen and respond to one another.
1982
1983- Receiving. People send both verbal and nonverbal messages. In this first step you note not
1984only what is said but also how it is being said. There are also things being left out. This is also
1985known as the hearing and attending stage. As a listener, you shut out distractions and
1986concentrate on the person. Sometimes it can help to put yourself in a quiet place where you
1987are not interrupted and where you can maintain your role as a listener.
1988
1989- Understanding. Once the message has been received, you try to achieve understanding. You
1990may already know some things about the speaker and the new information might be related.
1991There may be a new set of ideas that you haven't already heard or perhaps the emotional tone
1992is different. Every message must be considered a new message if you are to understand an
1993individual's point of view and what the person is experiencing. This is a time when messages are
1994clarified and questions are asked. Sometimes additional information is sought in order to further
1995understanding.
1996
1997-Remembering. You need to retain the messages that you receive and understand for some
1998period of time. You can help yourself remember by taking notes or perhaps, or when possible
1999and appropriate, video taping. You can write down key words, phrases, phone numbers, or
2000directions. You are not likely to have total recall and remember everything that happened or
2001that was said. Rather, you reconstruct the messages that you hear into a system of
2002comprehension that makes sense to you.
2003
2004When we talk with people a lot of words are exchanged which contain general ideas and
2005specific details. Our mind has to work hard at organizing the flow of information.
2006
2007Try to memorize the list of 12 words below. Don't worry about order. Only the number
2008remembered counts. See how many you can memorize in 20 seconds. Don't read any further
2009until you have tried to memorize the list.
2010
2011Word List:
2012BED AWAKE
2013DREAM NIGHT
2014COMFORT SLUMBER
2015BEST TIRED
2016WAKE EAT
2017SOUND SNORE
2018
2019Now, look away from the monitor and on a piece of paper write down as many words from the
2020list as you can remember. Again, don't read any further until you have tested yourself.
2021
2022Next, look at your words and compare them to the list. If you are like so many others who have
2023taken this exercise, you not only remembered most of the words, but you added others. Most
2024likely, you wrote down the word sleep, but in fact it is not there. In trying to reproduce the list,
2025your mind tried to give meaning to the list and organized the words around the word sleep. You
2026introduced a concept in search of meaning and as an aid for remembering (DeVito, 2000;
2027Glucksberg & Danks, 1975).
2028
2029This happens in communication between people. Since we cannot reproduce the exact
2030conversation, our mind identifies central ideas and major themes that are advanced. Although
2031we don't ignore details, there is a tendency to find general concepts so that information can be
2032retained in an easier-to-remember form.
2033
2034Relying upon themes and general concepts, we try to remember the key parts of the messages
2035that we receive. To help us remember details we might repeat the names or key terms to
2036ourselves, sometimes silently and sometimes aloud. On occasion, when a lot of information is
2037presented, we might rely upon some kind of mnemonic device that organizes the information
2038into a trigger word or expression that can be used to help us recall information.
2039
2040For instance, if the assignment is to learn and remember the names Conrad, Mott, and Tenney
2041for a history lesson, make up the saying "C-all M-e T-onight" which utilizes the first letter of each
2042name. Practice the sayings that correspond to the questions and then practice remembering
2043what each initial letter represents.
2044
2045We have all heard, "Thirty days has September ... " Another procedure is to start with the
2046pointer finger's knuckle, touch each knuckle and each space between the knuckles while saying
2047the names of the months in order touching the pinky knuckle twice. If done correctly, each
2048knuckle represents a month that has 31 days in it, and each space represents a month that has
204930 or fewer days in it. Memory tricks can be useful in remembering.
2050
2051Or, just for fun, how about these? "My Very Educated Mother Just Served Us Nine Pizzas"
2052(order of planets); "Lefty Loosy, Righty Tighty." (Direction to turn a lid or faucet); "HOMES" (the
2053Great Lakes); or "Roy G. Biv" (colors of the rainbow).
2054
2055- Evaluating. In this sequence you judge messages. The process takes place often without much
2056conscious awareness. It is related to our need to survive, to determine whether a message is
2057friendly or threatening. We survive best when we know what other people believe, value, and want,
2058as compared to ourselves. Although it may not be prudent to communicate that you are evaluating
2059what someone has to say, it is a part of the listening process that we can't resist. In a meeting,
2060everyone is evaluating everyone else.
2061
2062There are times when evaluations are appropriate and are more in the open. Perhaps a business
2063meeting will encourage a debate of ideas, where consideration is given to the most practical ideas
2064or those that will increase productivity. Even then, it is still a good idea to resist evaluations until you
2065think you fully understand a speaker's point of view.
2066
2067It can be helpful to differentiate between facts and inferences, opinions and research evidence,
2068personal interpretations and general consensus. As part of this step, it might be important to
2069identify speaker biases, self-interests, and the manner in which a person summarizes or clarifies
2070ideas. They are going to slant their responses and evaluations based on their own perspective and
2071goals. As a skilled communicator you know that this also applies to you and it helps to increase your
2072own awareness of how you tend to evaluate
2073
2074- Responding. As we know, there are verbal and nonverbal responses. In a sense, you are
2075responding all the time and immediately to a speaker's messages. Your responses to the person as
2076he or she is talking might be minimal, such as a facial expression or a quick "uh-huh," but they are still
2077present. They tend to acknowledge that you are listening and either discourage or encourage a
2078person to continue talking.
2079
2080Once the speaker has stopped talking, there is an opening for you to respond with more extended
2081verbal statements. You can express agreement or perhaps seek more clarification. You can try to
2082capture what the person has said by summarizing key concepts or what the person experienced by
2083focusing on feelings.
2084
2085Before we describe some effective listening skills, let's look at some possible obstacles in listening
2086and some special considerations to keep in mind as we relate with people. We will focus on the skills
2087of responding in other topics of this course.
2088
2089Obstacles in Listening.
2090
2091It is assumed that because we are born with the ability to hear things that listening is like breathing.
2092It is a myth that listening is natural and we just do it, without much effort.
2093
2094The process of hearing, whereby sound waves strike the eardrum and cause vibrations that are then
2095transmitted to the brain, is complicated and marvelous. The brain reconstructs the electrochemical
2096impulses into a scheme that gives them meaning. Only an injury, an illness, or earplugs can stop us
2097from hearing. Our ears pick up all kinds of sound waves and it is the brain's job to filter them, sort
2098them out, and organized them in meaningful way.
2099
2100It is possible to hear but not to listen. We can hear spoken words but deliberately ignore them.
2101Instead of paying attention to certain sounds, we avoid them or turn them off when they are
2102transmitted to the brain. For instance, we can block irritating sounds, such as the sounds of cars in
2103nearby traffic or the clicking of a ceiling fan in the next room. It is almost as if our brain works like a
2104toggle switch. We can hear sounds or stop listening when something is uninteresting. We simply flip
2105the switch and tune them out.
2106
2107Golen (1990) discussed several obstacles (barriers) to listening. A close look at them will show why
2108careful and effective listening is not easy.
2109
2110- The sheer amount of talk that most of us experience every day makes it impossible to listen to
2111everything. People talk to us in person, on radio, on television, and on the telephone. It is a case of
2112information overload and so we periodically divert our attention or let it wander.
2113
2114- Advertising agencies know this and their TV commercials are designed to capture attention visually
2115as well as with unusual auditory sounds. One of the reasons you often turn the sound down during
2116TV commercials, even if you intend to watch them, is that the presentation has been deliberately
2117made louder, just in case you want to get up and go to the bathroom or kitchen.
2118
2119- A physical impairment can prevent a person from hearing sounds at an adequate volume o• from
2120receiving certain auditory frequencies. Listening obviously suffers. A person who has a hearing loss
2121must work harder at paying attention to what people say. This can be fatiguing. It is annoying and
2122frustrating when you can't hear what others are saying. You are not able to participate as well in a
2123conversation. Distortions that produce no meaning and a loss of words and phrases result in a loss
2124of self-confidence when it comes to socializing or having a discussion with others.
2125
2126Of course, it is tragic when a hearing loss is not diagnosed. This can lead to misinterpretations and
2127disappointing relationships. Behaviors associated with an undiagnosed hearing loss might be
2128interpreted as not caring or uninterested, when in fact the person can't hear and follow the
2129conversation.
2130
2131A nine-year-old boy was considered disruptive in school. He seldom participated in class activities
2132and preferred to doodle. His performance was so far below the norm that his intelligence and ability
2133to do school work was questioned. His acting-out was associated with his inattentiveness, weird
2134sounds, and lack of social skills. After the case was referred to the school counselor, it was learned
2135that the boy had a hearing problem.
2136
2137A community agency helped him obtain a hearing aid and he was moved from the back to the front of
2138the classroom. The teacher made a greater effort to look at him so that he might more easily read
2139her lips and follow her gestures. In dramatic fashion, his disruptive classroom behavior began to
2140disappear, he became more interested in class activities, and his academic achievement improved.
2141The interesting part of this case study is that the hearing loss accounted for some of the
2142unacceptable behaviors that resulted in a poor working relationship with teachers and other
2143students.
2144
2145- Another obstacle to listening is the many sounds and other distractions that permeate our
2146environments, whether at home, school, or work. Noise makes it hard to pay attention. There is a
2147cacophony of sounds in our everyday lives, including other people's conversations, music, traffic
2148noise, doors banging, and televisions blaring. They interfere with our ability to hear well and are
2149distractions in our ability to listen to others.
2150
2151- Think of the times when you have wanted to talk with a friend while seated in a cafeteria or
2152perhaps in a crowded lounge with people moving about. You have to work hard at attending to the
2153words. In addition, listening is also about attending to non-verbal behavior. Sometimes, noise is an
2154accepted and desirable part of a social scene. It is there by design and private conversations are
2155not the norm. Small talk is appropriate at a party where the music is loud and people are mixing
2156discourages people from talking at length and in depth because of the atmosphere.
2157
2158- Selective listening is technique that the brain uses to screen out unwanted sounds. It is also
2159related to our needs and values. Based on our perceptions, we tend to be selective regarding what
2160we hear and how we interpret it. Selective listening can help us, at times, to stay focused on a topic,
2161but on other occasions we distort messages or leave out certain parts. We tend to skip over some
2162words and statements, as if they were never uttered. The more defensive we are, the more we
2163listen selectively. This can also cause us to lose patience with a story, make assumptions, and jump
2164to conclusions. Selective listening can be an obstacle to effective communication.
2165
2166- Our mental world moves at much faster pace than our face-to-face world and speaking with others.
2167Thoughts, ideas, and feelings race through our minds, while we patiently wait for a person to tell us
2168something. Speech is a slow process. The average person speaks about 1 00 to 140 words per
2169minutes, while the brain is capable of understanding speech rates up to 600 words per minute
2170(Versfeld & Dreschler, 2002). Consequently, there is a lot of spare time to spend in our minds while
2171another person is talking.
2172
2173There is a natural inclination to let our minds wander and attend to other matters while our partner
2174slowly tells his or her story. The danger is that we may not be thinking about things that are related
2175to the speaker's statements. Rather, we might start thinking about our personal interests, perhaps
2176daydreaming, or maybe reflecting on possible implications of what has already been shared. Because
2177of a listener's rapid thoughts, it takes concentration and practice to keep your attention focused
2178and to not let it wander.
2179
2180- This brings us to another possible obstacle in listening. We don't always listen as carefully because
2181we are preoccupied with our own personal concerns.
2182Listening is a rare happening among human beings You cannot listen to the word another is speaking
2183if you are preoccupied with your appearance, or with impressing the other, or are trying to decide
2184what you are going to say when the other stops talking, or are debating about whether what is
2185being said is true or relevant or agreeable (William Stringfellow, Friend's Journal)
2186
2187It's not easy to pay attention to someone else when events and circumstances in our lives are
2188demanding. For example, a couple of friends may see you on the way to class and want to talk to
2189you about the exciting weekend that they just had, but you are worried about an exam that is just
2190ahead. You're cordial and kind, listening to them briefly, but you interrupt and tell them you are
2191rushing to class and a test. They understand and wish you well, but you can hardly remember
2192anything that they said. Oh, well, you can ask them later.
2193
2194When we think that we have to be a polite listener, even though we can't concentrate because of
2195pressing concerns or problems in our minds, then we are likely to be less facilitative and will likely
2196put out verbal and non-verbal clues that we aren't interested. You might get away with this on
2197occasion, when the person senses that something is obviously pressing on you. If you are more
2198often than not caught up with your own person concerns then it reflects your style, your way of
2199relating with people, and will affect relationships.
2200We need a definite purpose, a specific reason for listening, other wise we don't pay attention and
2201don't really hear or 1mderstand -- Robert Montgomery, Listening Made Easy)
2202
2203Poor Listening Habits
2204Listening is difficult. We often complicate matters by developing poor listening habits or styles. Here
2205are some of the worst behaviors and habits.
2206
2207- Pseudo listeners appear to be listening but they are not. They may even look you in the eye, nod
2208and smile on occasion, and even ask questions. But, it is all a polite facade. They ask questions, but
2209don't listen for the answers. They have their own agendas, but they want to make people think that
2210there are attentive.
2211
2212Among the best pseudo listeners, many of whom have perfected it to an art, are students who must
2213sit through hours and hours of lectures from teachers and professors. As one student said, "I act as
2214if I'm taking notes, but I'm writing letters or making a list of things. I hear the sounds, but it's all
2215gibberish to me." Another said, "It's like a I'm in the room but my own private TV channel is running. I
2216daydream because it is so boring. Yet, I have to act like I'm interested. Sometimes I can't remember a
2217thing about the class."
2218
2219- Narcissistic listeners are the "Me, Me. Me," group of communicators. They are interested almost
2220exclusively in their ideas and interests. They are self-centered and egotistical people who like to be
2221center stage, talking about what they are doing and thinking. They assume that everyone is
2222interested in them. This self-centered habit incorporates a little of the pseudolistening behaviors.
2223They may allow people to speak from time to time, but just so that they can catch their breath and
2224let others feel like they are part of a conversation. Caught up in narcissism they listen only long
2225enough to bring the focus back to them.
2226
2227- Narrow-minded listeners are selective and respond only to parts of a conversation that appeal to
2228them. They ask questions and direct their remarks to a particular topic or subject matter that
2229maintains their attention. Otherwise, they lose interest and end the conversation. If you try to strike
2230up a conversation with a narrow-minded listener, you may find yourself laboring to find something to
2231talk about until you hit the right area. Then, the discussion becomes much more animated. You usually
2232feel less tension and the conversation flows, as long as you stay focused on the topic.
2233
2234- Jump to conclusion listeners are people who know "the rest of the story." They fill in gaps or infer
2235what is coming faster than you can tell your story. They listen briefly and as soon as they think that
2236they know where the story is leading, then they stop listening. They may even finish the story for
2237you by feeding you story lines. They might be on the right track, but many times they distort matters
2238because the failed to listen to the whole story. They can also manufacture information in the retelling
2239of what they heard, embellish and omit things based on their own interpretations.
2240
2241- Defensive listeners are poor listeners. Innocent comments are taken as personal attacks and
2242arguable. This kind of listener usually has low self-esteem and is paranoid about what people think
2243and say. Their insecurities are often reflected in attacks on a seemingly benign story or statement.
2244
2245Passive and Active Listening.
2246
2247Listening styles can also be viewed as being either passive or active. In passive listening, your
2248responses do not tell any of your own ideas or feelings. The simplest of responses will do. 'Really." "I
2249see." "How about that!" "That's great!" "Cool!" In active listening there is more of an effort to be
2250involved in the topic and to communicate with a person. Responses are more direct and encourage
2251people to share their ideas more.
2252
2253For example, after listening you might respond with statements such as: " ... And then what
2254happened?" "What did you do?" "That seems like something really important to you." "Those were
2255some very anxious moments for you." In active listening you try to understand what the speaker is
2256experiencing and what the messages really 11ean.
2257
2258You may be thinking, "What's the big deal? I’ve been listening to people all of my life. I don't need to
2259learn more about listening. I need to learn how to get others to listen to me!" Yet, the art or science
2260of listening is so critical in communication that we need to examine it carefully.
2261
2262If listening is so important then what are some skills that make people better listeners. Is listening
2263more than an attitude? How does active and attentive listening work?
2264
2265Think about the various conversations that you have already had today. While you were talking, how
2266many people do you think really heard what you were trying to communicate? If they tried to tell
2267others what you said and how you felt at the time, do you think they could describe accurately your
2268ideas and feelings? Do they really know where you stand? Did they hear you or did they hear only
2269what they wanted to hear?
2270
2271Four Steps in Active Listening
2272
2273You can improve your listening skills by following a few simple suggestions. They put you in a position
2274to listen and then make a response. Let's look at them as four steps for active or attentive listening.
2275
2276Step 1: Look at the person who is talking. You have probably heard that it is a good idea to maintain
2277eye contact with others while listening to them. It is a good place to start. Looking eye to eye is a
2278personal experience that says, "I'm with you, let's talk."
2279
2280To begin, assume a comfortable and relaxed position. It invites people to talk, especially if you
2281maintain eye contact while listening to them. You can turn away and still hear the voice of someone
2282talking, but listening and understanding what is being said is much easier if you look directly at the
2283person. Put yourself in a position where you can see the person's face and notice gestures and
2284nonverbal communication. You use your eyes, as well as your ears, to listen and learn.
2285
2286Your eyes communicate a lot to people. They emphasize how interested you are in them. They
2287reflect your reactions and give clues about what you are thinking and feeling. In brief, your eyes not
2288only say that you are attending to the person, but they communicate a lot about you.
2289
2290You may recall some conversations that you had with adults when you were a child. Dad might look
2291up from behind the sports page and maybe Mom would stop her work and turn to you, but most of
2292the time you simply heard voices. When you are a child, eye contact can mean that you are in big
2293trouble. Perhaps that is one of the reasons that elementary school children avert their eyes when
2294talking to a schoolteacher or principal.
2295
2296As one poet wrote, "The eyes are the mirrors of the soul." That's very intimate and personal. It may
2297also be one of the reasons that people look away from time to time when they are talking with
2298others. For some, eye contact makes them feel self-conscious and they can collect their thoughts
2299better when they are not looking directly at the other person when talking. Yet, there is a strong
2300message when you look directly at people when they are talking. It says that you want to enter their
2301world and learn more about them.
2302
2303But, there is more to listening than just eye contact. Listening requires a lot of mental energy
2304because you must block out interfering noises, movements, and even your own self-centered
2305thoughts and images. People who talk with you want to feel secure and have a sense that you are
2306trying to fully understand them.
2307
2308Have you ever found yourself daydreaming, or perhaps drifting off into you own thoughts, when you
2309are attempting to listen to someone talk? If so, you are not alone. All too often we think about other
2310things, or start planning how we are going to respond, instead of trying to full understand the
2311person's point of view.
2312
2313Active or attentive listeners avoid distorting ideas. They focus their attention upon general and
2314specific ideas that are being expressed. If you want to be a better listener, concentrate your
2315attention on the speaker by having a comfortable amount of eye contact.
2316
2317"You cannot truly listen to anyone and do anything else at the same time"—M. Scott Peck--
2318
2319Step 2: Pay attention to the words that are being spoken. As you listen to a person talk, many
2320things might come to your mind. Try to avoid drifting off into your own thoughts or daydreaming.
2321Good listeners are able to restrain their own needs and interests in order to learn more about
2322others and build positive relationships_
2323
2324As a person speaks, listen to the words that are being used to convey an idea or describe an
2325event. The story being shared involves a personal perspective. No matter the events or situation, it
2326is a personal story. The words draw and paint the picture.
2327
2328As you attend to the person you might listen for some common themes or ideas that help capture
2329the major components of the story. When the person has finished talking, you should be able to
2330summarize the main ideas. The person who was talking might then say, 'Yes, that's what I was trying
2331to say." Or, if the summary is inaccurate or leaves some thing out that was important to the speaker,
2332then the response might be, "No, that's not quite it." Then you listen to the story again, if the person
2333has the need and patience to tell you.
2334
2335Step 3: Be aware of feelings that go with the words. It is impossible not to have feelings when you
2336express yourself. Ideas are always complemented by feelings, either pleasant or unpleasant.
2337
2338Many people when listening hear only the spoken words and miss the feelings that are
2339communicated. Feelings are a natural part of people's lives and should not be ignored. To the
2340contrary, feelings are so important that good listeners attend to them.
2341
2342Some feelings are easily identified because they were referred to when the story was being told.
2343Other feelings are found behind the words, perhaps as a driving force or an emotional expression
2344that completes the thoughts and ideas. If you want to be an effective communicator, then you have
2345to tune into feelings.
2346
2347A practical way of identifying feelings is to ask yourself: Am I hearing pleasant or unpleasant feelings
2348with these words? Or am I hearing both kinds of feelings? This little technique will slow you down,
2349focus your attention on what the person is experiencing, and give you a hint as to how you might
2350respond when it is your turn.
2351
2352Short lists of pleasant and unpleasant feelings are found in Figure 8.1. Take a close look and examine
2353the lists. Familiarize yourself with the words and others like them. Consult a thesaurus as needed and
2354expand your vocabulary so that you can have accurate empathy.
2355
2356What feeling words would you add to the lists? Which words seem strange to you? What are some
2357current slang words or phrases that could be categorized as either pleasant or unpleasant feelings?
2358For example, the word "cool" is generally seen as a pleasant feeling, even when associated with a
2359positive evaluation, such as "That's cool." It is colloquial speech that has been passed down through
2360the decades.
2361
2362Other words, such as "groovy" "uptight" and "awesome" might still capture feelings but may be
2363outdated. It seems that each new generation of young people or public media create and introduce
2364new feeling words into our culture. Some are faddish and short-lived. Others catch on and are
2365passed down through generations.
2366
2367If it helps, think of different situations in your every day life and try to imagine the feelings that often
2368are part of the scene or that you might expect to be present. For instance, suppose that someone
2369has noticed that your shirt has a stain on it, of which you were unaware, and brought it to your
2370attention. Or, imagine that you received a compliment from a friendly person that you are just getting
2371to know. What if you worked on a difficult project that took more hours to complete than you
2372expected and you are still not finished? What do you experience when you are getting ready to take
2373an exam for which you studied versus one where you felt unprepared? Perhaps both pleasant and
2374unpleasant feelings might emerge in these situations, depending upon the circumstances.
2375
2376Knowing more about pleasant and unpleasant feeling words, perhaps making a concentrated effort
2377to expand your speaking vocabulary, can make you more sensitive and responsive to others.
2378Effective communicators use feeling words more precisely than others. They seem to be able to
2379respond with accurate empathy.
2380
2381In addition, it is also evident that feelings and behaviors are closely related. People behave, for
2382better or worse, out of their feelings. The way in which people act or behave can also influence
2383feelings and the feelings and behaviors of others.
2384
2385Step 4: Say something to show that you are listening. The person with whom you are talking won't
2386know that you are listening, unless you say something to show it. It is not enough to say, "I know
2387what you mean." Or, "I know how you feel." These general statements might be comforting at the
2388moment, but most people want more evidence that you really heard them. This is where a skilled
2389communicator can make a difference.
2390
2391Careful and attentive listeners have something to say when it is their turn to talk. First, they do not
2392change the subject, unless it is important to redirect or refocus the topic. Second, they periodically
2393check out what they think that they are hearing, interrupting if necessary to confirm that they are
2394tuned into a person's thoughts and feelings. They make a conscious effort to let the other person
2395know that they are listening--both to the story (facts, events, ideas, or general topic) and to the
2396feelings (pleasant, unpleasant or both) that go with the content.
2397
2398Look at this example:
2399
2400- Ryan: "I know that the tryouts for the soccer team will be tomorrow, but I'm not sure I should go. I'll
2401probably never make the team anyway. "
2402- You: "You like the idea of playing soccer, but you're unsure if you want to go to the tryouts."
2403- Ryan: "Yeah, I keep giving myself little pep talks, but I know I'll panic and screw up when I get there."
2404- You: "You'd really like to be there, but you're afraid that you'll embarrass yourself. You seem to be
2405in a bind."
2406- Ryan: "I'm not sure it's worth it. But, then again, I know that I'm better than some guys who are
2407going to be there."
2408- You: "How would you compare yourself to some of the others who will be trying out?"
2409
2410In this short dialogue, as a facilitator you used short empathic responses to emphasize Ryan's
2411feelings. It appeared that his unpleasant feelings were overpowering any pleasant feeling that he
2412may have for the team tryout and that they were upper most in his thoughts. Therefore, through
2413active listening you focused on those feelings and maybe encouraged Ryan to explore his thoughts
2414and feelings more. It is his decision. But, he probably found it helpful to be with a facilitative listener
2415who encouraged him to think about matters.
2416
2417It is refreshing to find someone who not only hears our story, but who attends to what we are
2418experiencing and responds to our feelings. It is then that we know that we were really heard and
2419that the person is seeking better understanding of us. When you respond to feelings and ides, you
2420emphasize that you are listening and you also engage people in a facilitative process. This can lead
2421to more awareness, more insights, better decision-making, and more planned actions.
2422
2423In summary, people seldom get an opportunity to talk with someone who will take time to listen, who
2424will follow their ideas, or who will encourage them to talk in greater depth. You can improve your
2425listening and facilitative skills by following four simple steps in active listening:
2426
2427- Look at the person who is talking.
2428- Pay attention to the words.
2429- Be aware of the feelings that go with the words.
2430- Say something to show that you are listening.
2431
2432Surface and In-Depth Listening
2433
2434In most communication between people there is a surface and a literal meaning of the words and
2435sentences used. If a friend asks you how you like his new shoes, it is reasonable to assume that
2436while it is a question calling for evaluation it is also a statement asking you to say something positive.
2437A person who is complaining about the amount of work that is piling up might also be asking for a
2438compliment and a little more appreciation for what is already being accomplished.
2439
2440You can listen to people for either surface or in-depth expressions, using both verbal and nonverbal
2441messages to form your impressions. It is like listening with a third ear. You listen for clues at
2442different levels regarding congruence. Is a person's position on something consistent or
2443inconsistent? Is the speaker's meaning clear, or is there confusion, uncertainty, or nixed emotions?
2444
2445You can also listen for content or relationship status. A person who constantly challenges his
2446supervisor about a work project may at one level be communicating concerns and disagreements
2447over the content (project). At the relationship level the person may be objecting to the supervisor's
2448leadership style, competence, or position of authority. The supervisor needs to listen to both levels
2449of messages.
2450
2451Devito (2002) recommends that you balance your attention between surface and any underlying
2452messages. Don't overlook the literal or surface meanings of messages in an attempt to uncover
2453deep or hidden messages. Unless you are a professional counselor, people are wary and become
2454defensive when someone frequently seeks and responds to deeper meanings. It's hard work and
2455may not be appropriate, since it is more intimate and self-revealing.
2456
2457You can respond to all levels, as you would like people to respond to your own messages - sensitively
2458but not obsessively, readily but not ambitiously. You are trying to be a facilitator of
2459communication and build positive interpersonal relationships. Attentive listening is the first essential
2460skill.