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1in this podcast which is part one of a
2two-part series I will discuss the
3concept of abundance I frequently
4discussed the concept of abundance in my
5online classes and workshops and it's a
6difficult concept for many nice guys and
7bad daters to grasp because abundance
8the whole concept of it typically
9conflicts with the deepest emotional
10beliefs and life paradigm of most of the
11men I work with most guys have a hard
12time grasping at both emotionally and
13intellectually and i'ma tell you a
14little bit story about myself in just a
15few moments to illustrate this
16difficulty in grasping it especially at
17an emotional level in this podcast I'm
18going to share a few responses that men
19have in my online classes have sent to
20me and some of the things they have to
21say about their struggles with grasping
22this concept of abundance and then we'll
23discuss some ways to challenge this kind
24of thinking and open ourselves up to the
25abundance of the world in part 2 we'll
26continue our discussion and look at some
27more practical applications of using the
28concept of abundance as far as dating
29and relationships and sex ago so let me
30read you a few of the comments I've
31received from men about the concept of
32abundance especially as it relates to
33dating and sex here's one my mind has a
34hard time seeing abundance when it comes
35to women I find that all the women I
36find attractive have boyfriends or are
37married the way I see it women are the
38ones who have the abundance a reasonably
39attractive woman always has options and
40is only single if she chooses to be
41however where I met being asked to see
42abundance I see competition with a 10%
43unemployment rate there are a lot of
44people competing for a few jobs the
45people with the best skills get those
46jobs over those who have fewer skills
47with regard to women yes there are
48attractive single women who are single
49out there what I see is an abundance of
50men who are competing for them the guys
51who are more adept at interacting with
52them who are more confident humorous
53etc do get these women over those of us
54who are less adept here's another
55comment I struggle with the statement I
56have as much opportunity as anyone else
57to receive all the love and sex I desire
58and this was a comment in one of my
59online classes that I make he goes on to
60say well yes I just have to learn how to
61make how to take the opportunity and
62then another listener and reader wrote
63to me so right now I miss having a
64partner I guess I have to work on
65realizing that I can be happy and
66satisfied even without a partner and try
67to be glad about all the things in my
68life that I already have right now and
69then a quote that I often make is that
70abundance isn't an issue of degree it's
71an issue of awareness and acceptance and
72in response to that statement another
73listener and reader wrote to me I
74totally agree with this one I've had
75situations where women were interested
76in me but I didn't do anything because
77apparently I was neither open to or
78aware of the abundance in the world
79there was one particular situation that
80I had a woman who was interested in me I
81realized that she was interested but did
82nothing perhaps out of fear but also out
83of the lack of recognition of the
84abundance that existed I was acting in a
85way so as to reinforce the paradigm of
86myself that I had that I was not someone
87who had much success with women so in
88response to these statements and
89questions as I said in part one we're
90going to talk about just the basic
91premise of abundance and then in part
92two of this podcast will talk about more
93practical applications for challenging
94our what I'll call our deprivation view
95of the world now my basic premise is
96that we live in an abundant world we are
97surrounded with opportunity so our core
98issue is not that there isn't enough to
99go around or that we have been less
100blessed than others it is that most nice
101guys and bad daters just don't see how
102abundantly blessed they are which then
103makes it difficult to see
104any opportunity that might exist for
105them most of the men I work with focus
106on what they don't have and assume
107others are just lucky or have something
108that they don't this is called
109deprivation thinking and it's really
110common with nice guys and bad daters it
111is as deprivation view of the world that
112keeps us from seeing how blessed we
113really are and from walking through the
114doors that open up in front of us this
115deprivation view of the world can
116usually be traced to maybe a number of
117different things often it began in a
118stored up emotional memory in a very
119deep part of our brain called the
120amygdala when we were just children and
121it can be the result of inconsistent or
122unpredictable parenting sometimes our is
123the result of our parents inability to
124bond and nurture with us when we're very
125young so we came to see the world is
126being like our family ie love and
127nurturing and attention being in very
128short supply sometimes is caused by
129absent or abandoning parents and even by
130smothering parents because if a child is
131smothered by the parent the child is
132actually taking care of the needs of the
133parent rather than vice versa even if it
134looks like the parents really available
135and when a child has to take care of the
136needs of a parent it also creates a
137deprivation view because there really
138aren't a lot of opportunities for him to
139get his needs met growing up in
140emotional or financial poverty can cause
141a deprivation view of the world being
142fearful in general creates deprivation
143thinking and then for a lot of men with
144whom I'm work just a lack of skills
145whether it be social skills or other
146skills necessary get in the way of
147getting what we want in life and then
148that becomes in a sense the path or the
149pattern that we keep repeating over and
150over and over again now abundance
151applies to all areas of life but believe
152it or not especially with women and sex
153now I know your mind may not be thinking
154that right now but I'm gonna encourage
155you to stick with me through both of
156these podcasts and do some of the things
157I'm going to challenge you to do
158and then see if a few weeks or months
159down the road you're thinking hasn't
160changed now as I've said before I've
161found that the issue for most bad daters
162is not the supply in some of the the
163post or the questions I read you earlier
164guys will talk about sure I see
165good-looking women out there but there
166aren't enough to go around
167now it's our deprivation of view of the
168world that keeps us stuck in walking
169through open doors it's not that there's
170not enough out there but if we don't
171think there's enough out there we will
172act accordingly because the truth is we
173are surrounded with opportunities for
174love and sex in fact I often tell guys
175if you look around and see men with a
176girlfriend or a wife that in itself is
177proof that there is opportunity because
178every guy who has a girlfriend or a wife
179is an example of a man being blessed
180with opportunity and as I've always said
181what one man can do another man can do
182so it's not just a matter if somebody
183else got lucky and you didn't in fact
184the one thing I encourage guys through
185abundance thinking is that it allows you
186to put yourself in the position to get
187lucky now granted meeting a really great
188woman is a really great match does
189involve actually probably a high degree
190of luck but there are things we can do
191to increase that high degree of luck and
192put ourselves in that opportunity to get
193lucky we have to get out of our own way
194and let the goodies into our life we
195have to become better at seeing how
196blessed we already are in order to start
197letting the abundance be more visible in
198our life and really get the things we
199want so until you get happy with what
200you've got right now you will constantly
201seek something else outside of you and
202always feel deprived but more than that
203you always feel lack until you can be
204happy where you at right now it'll
205always feel like something else is
206needed to make you feel better this
207often results then you giving women all
208the power to give you that and all the
209power to make you happy which means
210you're gonna
211suffer because you're going to stay with
212the wrong woman for too long or resent
213women in general for Mott not being
214there to make you happy that's why we
215have to embrace abundance right where we
216sit right now and quit waiting for the
217goodies to come to us down the road and
218as I said before is my theory my premise
219and my belief that right now abundance
220is flowing bias like a river it's a
221tidal wave but if we can't see how
222blessed we are right now it won't do any
223good to multiply that by ten by a
224hundred by a thousand or a million
225because we still won't see it so the
226truth is when it comes to abundance
227thinking we're not trying to find a way
228to get more goodies into our life but
229what we're doing is working to just
230become more aware of all the goodies
231that are already in our life and all the
232open doors that are constantly opening
233up around us so let me tell you a little
234bit about my own experience with
235challenging my own deprivation thinking
236and learning to think and feel and live
237more abundantly about eight years ago
238after just before the my book no more
239mr. nice guy was about to be published
240by Barnes & Noble they asked me to write
241a class for what they called Barnes &
242Noble University so I spent several
243weeks writing this class and one of the
244lessons I wanted to write on was the
245concept of abundance and as I started
246writing the lesson I found is one of the
247hardest things I'd ever written it just
248wasn't coming to me it wasn't flowing
249and I realized what was getting in the
250way of me writing about the concept of
251abundance for this class was that on an
252emotional level I had never embraced it
253it wasn't consistent with my deepest
254held belief so I could write about it
255intellectually but it just wouldn't it
256didn't flow from my mind and it didn't
257look good on paper so I decided that if
258I was ever going to truly be able to
259write about abundance I had to truly
260experience abundance and gratitude now a
261friend of mine
262he and I were actually going to a men's
263group together and we were kind of
264working around the concept of being
265conscious and grateful and so I
266suggested to him that he and I everyday
267kind of create a partnership that we
268would kind of encourage each other in
269developing a habit of gratitude and
270abundance thinking and what we would
271both do is that every night before bed
272and every morning when we first woke up
273to consciously think of things that we
274felt grateful for and then during the
275day he and I would talk to each other
276and share those things with each other
277as a way of cultivating this gratitude
278and abundant thinking now I knew that
279this was going to be a difficult habit
280because my old habits of thinking
281negatively of deprivation of gloom and
282doom and hanging on to what you got
283because you're gonna lose it that was
284pretty deeply ingrained in my nice guy
285brain and so he and I start doing this
286regularly and it's interesting because
287even though it feels good and it makes
288you feel better your brain will forget
289to do it after just 2 or 3 days because
290it is inconsistent with your deepest
291held beliefs so for several weeks Rodger
292and I challenged each other every night
293every morning to think of things we felt
294grateful for you know and for me it'd be
295my health my children my job my business
296even at that time my ex-wife was going
297through a divorce with that I felt
298grateful for her in many ways as well
299and then Rodger and I would talk about
300these things between ourselves now that
301became a true ongoing habit because I
302was about eight years ago and to this
303day I still have a regular gratitude
304practice where I think about the things
305I feel blessed by and I feel grateful
306for and I will have to tell you this
307gratitude practice this changing in my
308mindset has changed my worldview and my
309life more than any other single practice
310of my entire nice-guy recovery if you
311were to ask me and I've mentioned this
312to more than one person in recent weeks
313or months I am as happy as I've ever
314been in my entire life
315I have a good life I have a good
316relationship I feel blessed by my
317children two grandchildren my business
318is booming I'm enjoying the work that I
319do I live half of the year in Mexico
320half of the year in the Seattle
321Washington area I have a lot of great
322friends and the majority of these things
323that I just feel so grateful grateful
324and blessed about are things that have
325come to my life and just the awareness
326that's come to me since I started
327gratitude practices less than eight
328years ago so abundance practice is going
329to do at least two things for you number
330one is going to create a new mental and
331emotional habit our mind will always
332find ways to be consistent it will
333always act in accordance with our
334deepest held emotional beliefs and it
335can only see what it believes to be true
336so if if you believe that this is a
337world of deprivation and there's not
338enough to go around
339it has to actually see that otherwise it
340will be acting inconsistently with its
341deepest held beliefs and the human brain
342does not like to be inconsistent so
343deprivation thinking is a result of a
344very old mental habit of neural pathways
345that have formed in the brain and then
346that's reinforced through the paradigm
347effect of we only see what supports our
348belief systems and we tend to be blind
349to what counters our belief system so
350abundance thinking and a gratitude
351practice helps create new habits that in
352time overrides our old
353deprivation habit now remember any habit
354is a result of consistent behavior over
355time so developing abundance thinking
356does take time of consistent abundant
357and gratitude practice now the second
358thing that an abundance gratitude
359practice can do is it activates a
360different part of your brain
361most of our fear and negativity and
362deprivation comes out of a part of our
363brain as I mentioned before called the
364amygdala now this is our survival part
365of our brain it's the source of our
366fight flight and freeze and
367when that part of our brain is activated
368we're not thinking real reasonably real
369rationally we're not comfortable or not
370relaxed we're not welcoming things of
371the world in we're afraid we're bodies
372being filled with adrenaline and
373cortisol hormones and chemicals to
374activate us to run away from a tiger and
375that permeates our entire mindset so
376learning to calm ourselves down through
377abundance thinking and being grateful
378moves us into other more evolved parts
379of our brain sure we need that fight
380flight freeze in certain times but not
381all the time and it doesn't need to be
382the primary influence on our worldview
383so when we do gratitude when when when
384we think of it moves us into a part of
385our brain that just makes us feel better
386and more optimistic and gives us a
387different worldview in perspective when
388it comes to perspective is our
389perception of the world that matters not
390reality ok should I say that again when
391it comes to our perspective and our
392emotional sense it's our perception of
393reality not reality that influences us
394so activating a different part of our
395brain can help activate a different
396perception which then gets reinforced in
397our life now I want to give you a quick
398example in studying the brain
399neurobiologists have always looking at
400what different what things happen in
401different regions of the brain and I
402read about some research that some
403scientists did not too long ago on some
404monks I think in Tibet who pretty much
405lived in monasteries and meditated and
406in doing what's called a meditation that
407expresses compassion for the world and
408for people and when they hooked these
409monks up to their their brainwave
410machines and checked their gamma waves
411and looked at what parts of their brain
412lit up with oxygen and blood and sugar
413when they were meditating and the part
414of their brain that registers a sense of
415well-being just like lit up off the map
416they went back and rechecked the data
417several times because they'd never seen
418anything like it
419so here were monks doing come
420passion meditation and the part of their
421brain that registered a sense of
422well-being was actually physically
423larger than the average human
424so that basically says we can rewire our
425brain and even grow our brain in how we
426learn to think differently so that's
427some of the power of a regular abundance
428and gratitude and compassion practice so
429there's there's a lot of different ways
430you can do this as I suggested perhaps
431every morning and every night just spend
432a few moments it doesn't have to be long
433thinking of things you feel grateful for
434make a list review the list talk about
435the things you feel grateful for with
436friends and family I know some people
437carry what's called an abundant stone in
438their pocket every time they put their
439hand in their pocket and feel the stone
440or every time they take it out of their
441pocket and put it on their dresser they
442think in terms of what they feel
443grateful for and then once you start
444developing than developing this practice
445when you catch yourself worrying
446thinking negatively or just living from
447a deprivation point of view take a few
448moments and focus on what you feel
449grateful for in that very moment and
450just let the feeling of how blessed you
451are the reality of how blessed you are
452just soak in and I find I do this
453regularly whenever I find myself
454worrying about anything no matter what
455it is I'll just stop and allow myself to
456feel grateful for what's in my life now
457all of this will take the focus off of
458what you don't have and it will focus on
459what you do have it changes your
460perspective it helps you stop taking
461things for granted it gets you out of
462that fearful deprivation part of your
463brain it changes your whole feeling
464state it makes you more optimistic and
465this is contagious do you think most
466women would rather be around an
467optimistic grateful guy or a pessimistic
468negative nothing ever goes my way kind
469of guy now I think you know the answer
470to that abundance can actually attract
471women and other people as well
472now I want to wrap up this discussion of
473abundance in part one was just a little
474a few comments about the secret because
475a lot of people ask me about the secret
476it's a popular DVD and more recently a
477book by Australian television producer
478Rhonda Byrne now I don't like it and I
479know it may sound odd since I'm talking
480about abundance but it's a faulty and
481even and it's faulty and even dangerous
482because it mixes truth with fallacy is
483the same way that Hitler Jim Jones
484Joseph Smith and countless other
485charlatans and religious leaders have
486misled misled and used people throughout
487the history of mankind and here's why
488that is it ties into your emotional
489desire in the fact that it seems true
490like like the Germans were told by
491Hitler that the Jews were the reason
492that Germany was an economic declined it
493seemed true and it fit people's deepest
494emotional fears and wants now here's a
495reality what we believe to be true we
496will see and embrace that's true and we
497will never see or accept what is outside
498of our belief system but abundance is
499not some kind of magical thinking that
500just makes things materialize while we
501will attract people who have similar
502mental and emotional states to our own
503we don't energetically make things
504happen by thinking them that's like
505wishing for a pony at Christmastime
506wishing and hoping is juvenile and
507immature and the secret encourages it
508and it's also very materialistic there's
509a scene in the DVD of the secret where
510some woman is looking at a necklace in a
511window and thinking about that necklace
512being hers and then they show us the
513next scene a man is draping it around
514her neck just because she thought about
515getting a diamond necklace now the whole
516secret is based actually on some pretty
517far-out premises is based on a book
518called the law of attraction by Esther
519and Jerry Hicks now these this husband
520and wife channeled the information for
521their book the law of attraction from an
522entity named Abraham who exists in some
523other realm they don't really ever
524explain
525what realm he exists him but he does
526understand how to use cellphones and the
527way they did it Esther would blink her
528eyes when Abraham spoke to her and Jerry
529would translate her blinking into
530English and wrote down Abraham's message
531in a book now their premise is that our
532thinking causes everything that happens
533to us by attracting similar energy
534states therefore they say if a person is
535raped or killed or robbed they attracted
536that to themselves through their
537thoughts and which of course means that
538women and children and our fur are being
539killed and raped because their thoughts
540attracted it energetically and the story
541gets even better
542Rhonda Burns includes the Hicks in the
543original version of the DVD of the
544secret but they had a big falling out
545and it's oxy actually included lawsuits
546against each other and then she excluded
547the Hicks from the sections from her
548second DVD and from the actual book so
549so much for the power of Attraction and
550the secret but abundance thinking isn't
551magical it changes our focus it allows
552us to see things we are blind to it lets
553us see how much we already have in every
554area of life it doesn't increase
555materialism it lets you embrace what is
556it turns every life event into a gift
557for which we can be grateful
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569hey this is dr. Robert Glover and this
570is the middle-management 215 first live
571Q&A; for this course that's for nice guys
572don't finish last they rot in middle
573management and the time and date of this
574I said I'm in Puerto Vallarta Mexico at
575seven o'clock on a Monday evening and
576this is March 16 2015 for those of you
577who are listening after the fact for
578those of you who have taken the time to
579log in we have people several from the
580US we have somebody with us from
581Australia somebody from Costa Rica and
582Canada so we've got a good spread of
583people with us and we're in just a
584minute gonna start taking questions both
585from the people that are online live
586with me right now and from some
587questions I've had emailed in to me from
588people who are in the class and I want
589to say I'm enjoying the class I'm really
590especially enjoying the questions you
591guys are asking on the instructor Q&A;
592because that's where I really get to
593dive in and and put some extra effort
594and to give answering questions and the
595live Q&A; is I love these as well because
596for the same reason I can take extra
597time I hope you get some clarity give
598you examples and and and really share
599some good information to help you get
600out of your own way live up to your
601potential and apply the lesson material
602in this course so in just a minute we're
603gonna go ahead and get started those of
604you who are listening after the fact
605welcome to this weather it's a few days
606after the session or a few years after
607the session I hope that you find it
608helpful and useful I've found that I
609always have a good time doing these with
610a lot of good questions and a lot of
611good information so what we're gonna do
612the guys who are live with me what I've
613asked them to do if they want to ask a
614question they're either going to type it
615into a chat box I have access to or
616they're just going to shout their name
617out and I'll call on them ask them where
618they're from and then they can ask their
619question so let's go ahead and dive in
620and get started if you want to ask
621question go ahead and shout your name
622out this is second from Costa Rica
623okay Sergio came in now to say eight
624Sergio wait just a second let me kind of
625do a little reduction somebody else was
626also wanting to get in well in you
627whoever was else trying you go next and
628I didn't hear who it was so Sergio glad
629to have you with us from Costa Rica
630what's your question
631thanks for you've stated in the past you
632were actually a recovering nice guy so I
633am curious about how was the process for
634you to became aware of that and how do
635you struggle with that in your life and
636how you came out professionally with it
637alright well that's a good question and
638it there are several questions there and
639I'll do my best to answer it
640pretty much everything I'm doing
641professionally or done in my
642professional life over the last few
643years has been because of my own
644personal journey whether that was
645working on the nice-guy issues whether
646that was starting to teach the dating
647courses is it's all really come out of
648things I've bumped into in my own life
649and often as I was bumping into them I
650saw other people bumping into the same
651things and that's kind of how my brain
652works I I I'm always curious and
653interested about things and I want to
654know more about the why of it and I also
655want to know more about how can we make
656it more effective or make it work better
657so I guess I'm probably a naturally born
658systems analyst that way my my mother's
659very much that way my 29 year old son
660who's getting his master's degree is
661more that way than even I am and even my
662eight-year-old granddaughters that way
663well we all like to know why stuff works
664the way it does so in the case of myself
665yes I'm a recovering nice guy I used to
666tell people I'm a nice guy and I thought
667that was a very sensible way to be and I
668couldn't understand why more people
669weren't trying to be nicer people and
670and and and just be nicer and I tell you
671if you looked up nice guy in the
672dictionary you would see my picture I
673was a
674child I was raised in a very fundamental
675Christian Church I was growing up trying
676to be different from my father who I had
677a good bond with in some ways through
678playing sports and and camping and
679fishing and things like that but he
680could very be very critical very
681negative I was trying to be different
682from him grew up as my mother's
683companion and caretaker and was always
684there to listen to her problems
685especially complaining about my dad and
686I I tried to be the good man with her
687now what happened with me is that I was
688in my second marriage and I acted out
689sexually inappropriately with a friend
690of my wife's didn't actually have
691intercourse but had an ongoing
692inappropriate relationship for a period
693of maybe three or four weeks and then I
694got bored with that and it just pulled
695away from it and we stayed friends the
696kind of our families did but about a
697year later she came to my second wife
698Elizabeth and told her what had happened
699and of course Elizabeth was not happy
700about it and told me if I wanted to stay
701married to her I had to go get some
702therapy so I started going to a 12-step
703group for sex addicts found out I wasn't
704a sex addict but for the first time in
705my life started just telling about me
706and telling the truth and anything that
707I'd ever kept hidden or secretive I just
708started telling and it felt liberating
709and felt really really good I also
710started seeing an individual therapist
711and one of the things we worked on was
712boundaries which I know we're gonna talk
713more about in this Q&A; I was in my 30s
714had a PhD in marriage and family therapy
715was on my second marriage and had never
716even heard of boundaries so I know we're
717gonna touch on more about that in this
718session so worked with the therapist for
719about a year when 12-step groups for a
720while after that somebody told me about
721another therapist in my area who did a
722lot of work around sexuality issues with
723with men and women but had men's groups
724so I started going to a men's group with
725her for probably about three and a half
726maybe four years I don't remember for
727sure and that's probably where I
728probably challenged my nice-guy traits
729the mote
730being in a supportive group of men we
731actually had a woman therapist but she
732liked men
733it was very supportive of men being men
734which is really good for me because I'd
735spent all my life trying to please women
736and it was good for me to connect with
737men I started setting boundaries with my
738then wife Elizabeth we've actually been
739divorced for about 12 years now and and
740what happened was I started working on
741my nice guy issues of feeling frustrated
742and resentful and passive-aggressive and
743sexually frustrated because she never
744seemed to want to have sex and putting
745up with her anger and and
746criticisms and moodiness as I started
747kind of dealing with all that stuff more
748head-on I started noticing a lot of the
749guys I was working with especially in
750couples therapy my doctorate is in
751marriage and family therapy and these
752guys were coming into my office with
753their wives or girlfriends and saying
754same things I was I'm a nice guy and one
755of the nice guys you ever want to meet
756I'm not like her ex you know her ex
757jerkov husband or ex boyfriend I treat
758her well I'm good to her kids and and
759but when's it gonna be my turn how come
760no matter what I give it's never enough
761and how come she's always angry all the
762time and how come she never wants to
763have sex I'm thinking hell I can finish
764these guys sentences for them so I
765started my very first no more mr. nice
766guy group probably I don't know about 20
767years ago met every other Wednesday and
768I just started writing some chapters to
769give to these guys every other week just
770based on what I was kind of figuring out
771and discovering and working out on my
772own and seeing and other guys and and I
773just kept writing and people kept saying
774you should write a book and you should
775go on Oprah and never did make it on
776Oprah but it did turn out to be a book
777and so this was really about my own
778process and I would say probably the
779biggest parts for me there's been
780involved in my own particular change in
781terms of working still today on breaking
782free from my nice-guy issues I would say
783the some of the most primary aspects
784were number one learning to be honest
785learning to tell the truth not hold back
786not hide things and that's really
787liberating and really empowering to do
788that
789I started connecting with men and men in
790therapy group guy friends started making
791more guy friends taking road trips to
792the guys now I would rather seek out men
793in any social situation than women back
794when I used to take salsa lessons you
795automatically meet all the women in the
796class but you don't meet the guys so
797before and after class I'd go and
798introduce myself to the guys and so
799spending time with men has been a big
800part of that another big part of its
801been learning to set boundaries and
802doing that in a healthy way I no longer
803have anybody in my life that treats me
804badly or it just is not good to me and
805and doesn't treat me like they like me I
806know I've had to remove some people from
807my life in fact I didn't talk to my mom
808and dad for 15 years and I got good with
809my dad before he passed away about six
810years ago now this month and during that
811time I worked through all my issues with
812my mother and now we have a very bound
813read healthy supportive relationship so
814boundaries was a big part of that and
815I'd say another big part of it was
816learning to make my needs a priority and
817do what I want and do what makes me
818happy that's why I live in Mexico over
819half the year now Seattle half the year
820I travel I do things that inspire me
821that I'm passionate about so that's been
822a big part of the process too is
823learning to put put me first and make me
824a priority and now I've lots of good
825friends here in Mexico I have good
826friends in Seattle I've been in a
827relationship with Jerry for almost six
828years and um it she's like any other
829human she's not perfect but we work
830stuff out and and she's very supportive
831she loves what I do she she's turned on
832by the work that I do with men and it so
833a lot of positives there so those are
834kind of the core aspects of my own
835discovering what wasn't working well in
836my life and why and by the way when I
837did go to therapy when Elizabeth
838confronted me I went to therapy trying
839to figure out why me being such a nice
840guy
841why she didn't treat me better or
842respond better to me being such a nice
843guy and I quickly found out that being a
844nice guy doesn't make people treat you
845better so
846that's that's probably the the nutshell
847answer of how my journey has been how I
848came to write a book and how I came to
849make this work a central part of my
850professional life so was that helpful
851for you Sergio I wanted love thank you
852very much for being so open about it
853you're welcome
854and and I I'm I'm glad that's helpful
855and one of the things that I hear a lot
856in my classes my workshops the work I do
857is that men really like that I am open
858I'm transparent and that's something I
859had to learn how to be it didn't come
860naturally so I really encourage you guys
861if you want the kind of life you want
862really work at that the honesty the
863transparency thing and and find
864supportive people and groups to help you
865work on that of you just being you and
866learning to accept your okay just say
867yard
868people don't like you the way you are
869you know learn to lovingly not give a
870you know them it doesn't
871matter you be you and there'll be plenty
872of people who like you just as you are
873in fact I was thinking about this just
874came top of my head that I've got a
875couple tattoos and every now and then I
876I ponder do I want to get another tattoo
877and what I've been pondering for a
878couple days and actually saw it on on a
879spinach package at the store today I've
880been pondering getting a tattoo of
881Popeye the sailorman
882and just say underneath that I am what I
883am because I like that I am what I am
884and I'm happy with me so um yeah learn
885how to be happy with you and walk the
886planet as what-you-see-is-what-you-get
887kind of guy so thanks for question
888Sergio and thanks for uh for being with
889us from Costa Rica alright I've got a
890question that somebody's put in the chat
891box so I think I will go ahead and take
892that
893that's ma'am this is actually tough yep
894my pseudonym is Stan the man tebya is
895Stan the man you want to ask it in
896person or you want me just to read it oh
897ok so the question is what's the best
898way to deal with requests from anyone in
899my company whether it's my boss or my
900co-workers who are asking me for help
901tend to be very good at things I'm smart
902I can help out when needed but I always
903take on those tests and actually at my
904last job
905my team my entire team was all let go at
906once
907because the feature we were supposed to
908develop wasn't ready on time and it
909wasn't ready with the features that they
910wanted and it's I think it's because I
911was taking on requests from lots of
912other people we were working on all
913sorts of things that actually weren't
914the judge of whether we would make it as
915a team
916yeah I'm really wondering like how do
917you actually say no every you keep
918saying in your books practice saying now
919you don't really need to give the words
920to say it other than the word know which
921well Debbie I'm gonna tell you upfront
922it's not rocket science
923it really does involve the word no but
924this is a good it's a good question
925because one of the things I found with
926nice guys and I'm the same way too is
927that if you're smart and good at a lot
928of stuff and like I said I'm kind of a
929systems analyst I can figure out
930pretty quick
931especially when stuff isn't working I'm
932usually pretty good at tracking that
933down when I was in graduate school I
934took a couple of computer programming
935courses even though I was a marriage and
936family therapy major and I took to
937programming courses Fortran and Pascal
938is back in the early 80s and I was
939really good at it
940and I thought oh I had no idea I was
941good at writing code and the computer
942majors would bring me their code that
943that had heirs or bugs in it because I
944could track it down I was good at that
945okay did that move me head what I need
946to be working on no not usually but it
947felt good so I'm gonna guess that you
948say yes a lot of time because it makes
949you feel good it makes you feel needed
950and it makes your brain feel good that
951that you go and can answer a problem or
952solve something or get something figured
953out for somebody pretty quickly so the
954fact that it makes you feel good is
955partly what's getting in your way
956because you know we we tend to do what
957makes us feel good and in that situation
958if probably gives you some degree of
959notice people appreciate you and the the
960core issue here is you learning to be
961judicious
962in learning to be judicious of what's a
963good use of your time and energy and
964resources in helping other people either
965solve their problems or reach their
966goals versus what's the best use in you
967solving your problems or your teams and
968reaching your goals or your team's goals
969and that's going to require
970consciousness on your part now a couple
971of things I think can help you in that
972direction is number one just own the
973fact that this is a problem for you that
974you you do that and was with any problem
975one of the best ways I know to help fix
976or solve it is to become conscious of
977the fact that you have a problem perhaps
978develop a plan or some guidelines or
979self boundaries to help you start doing
980something different and then find
981support systems whether it be live
982people or reminders on your phone I send
983my I get reminders all the time on my
984phone for things to help keeping more
985conscious so notice what the problem is
986develop a plan and then find support
987systems or send yourself reminders and
988especially know when you've gotten off
989track one of my favorite teachers is
990David data and I remember hearing him
991say to workshop one time you'll lose
992consciousness a hundred thousand times a
993day just get it back a hundred thousand
994times a day well to get it back you have
995to know where you have a tendency to get
996off track I have to know where I have
997tendencies to get off track and one of
998the areas I've tendency to get off track
999is I say yes to too many things I know
1000that I do and I know I'm off track when
1001I start feeling bogged down and start
1002procrastinating the things are not
1003getting done in a timely way that's a
1004wake-up call this says Oh step back what
1005are some things I either need to get off
1006my to-do list or clear out completely or
1007to come back and tell people I can't do
1008this I I said yes but I can't and I do
1009that periodically I actually I did that
1010right about the start of this course I
1011had um three people who are in the
1012process of developing online courses to
1013teach for me at TPI University
1014and what I noticed is I'd been bogged
1015down for a couple months not getting my
1016own projects done and it wasn't so much
1017that these guys were taking up all my
1018time but I also noticed I was
1019procrastinating on getting back to them
1020and I talked to a good friend got some
1021clarity about it and realized that was
1022not the best use of my time even though
1023that's been a long-term goal to have
1024other people develop courses and teach
1025I've come to realize it takes a lot of
1026my time and energy to help people do
1027that a lot of promotion a lot of
1028hand-holding and it cuts into the the
1029work that I want to be doing which right
1030now is primarily writing two or three
1031more books and so I contacted all these
1032guys and I told him and and I I mean I I
1033took a little bit of time in the email
1034to tell him what was going on and I said
1035uh as much as I hate to do it I'm gonna
1036I have to cancel your project cuz it's
1037not moving me forwards and I said let's
1038talk I talked to each one of him in
1039person
1040and everybody was cool with it but I had
1041to I had to go back to even say no to
1042some stuff I'd said yes to and even
1043these guys had put some work into it and
1044so I felt really bad about it but I had
1045to do it to move me forward so my
1046primary advice is be aware of where you
1047get off track have you have be aware of
1048some signals that that you can pay
1049attention to that oh wait a minute I'm
1050spending too much time on other people's
1051stuff not getting my stuff done practice
1052saying no I'm gonna give you two
1053assignments one to use with your bosses
1054or managers one to use with coworkers
1055the wonderful workers and I give this
1056assignment every time I teach this
1057course by the way because you're not the
1058only guy that has this problem is I'm
1059sure you probably know but one
1060assignment is three times a day say no
1061to somebody's legitimate request of you
1062make that an intention for one week
1063three times a day say no to a legitimate
1064request and while you're saying no
1065you're gonna have to soothe yourself
1066because it make you anxious and I'm also
1067going to encourage you not to give a lot
1068of reason or excuse for saying no I'm
1069gonna encourage you at most
1070to give maybe a two-sentence answer and
1071it's okay if you say I'm sorry I can't
1072help you with that right now or you know
1073I'm sorry but I'm just not available to
1074work on that with you or I'm sorry I
1075have too many other demands right now to
1076help that's fine don't go no on detail
1077two sentences and it's okay if you say
1078I'm sorry I can't help you
1079I mean don't grovel don't because the
1080more information you give them that's
1081not healthy there's not good for you or
1082them just say I can't no I can't now if
1083you don't get three requests a day good
1084but a suit for at least once a day to
1085say no to a legitimate request those are
1086the hardest ones to say no to because
1087you can say well I could do that or I
1088could fix her I could help and it'd only
1089take me you know six minutes but say no
1090least one a day shoot for three with
1091your manager or higher-ups practice this
1092when they shoot you an email or in a
1093meeting or whatever say you know okay TV
1094tebya need you to do this can you get
1095this done can you take care of this your
1096job is to say to them clearly we need to
1097talk about that now it's best to be
1098talking person about these issues not in
1099the meeting and not over email go to
1100your boss's office and say here's what's
1101on my plate right now here's the amount
1102of time I believe it's gonna require to
1103get it finished what do you most want me
1104working on this that's on my plate or
1105this other thing you just sent my way
1106and if they say well you know if you
1107just take care of this other thing right
1108now say okay if I take care of this
1109other thing right now I will have to
1110delay working on the main project or the
1111main requirement you've given to me is
1112that what you want me to do and if they
1113say yes say okay go back to your desk
1114write them a quick one paragraph email
1115say as per our conversation time and
1116date I am suspending temporarily work on
1117XYZ project to work on this project that
1118you've asked me to work on
1119and send it to him and his boss or her
1120for her boss that's good advice because
1121my boss was actually totally pleased
1122with my work he actually got fired as
1123well as I retire or it was just you know
1124three levels up from him they really
1125cared about sending to my boss just CC
1126them it just one paragraph and then yeah
1127you got a paper trail now and this isn't
1128like to be an ass about anything it
1129really is because one thing about
1130corporate America probably corporate all
1131over the world but I work with a lot of
1132guys like in Seattle area Microsoft and
1133Amazon and Boeing is that the way most
1134corporations work is that upper
1135management creates problems and then
1136passes them down to the workforce to
1137solve them
1138that's how corporations work higher
1139management are usually not the best
1140thing for a company because they they
1141over promised they they'd often don't
1142have clarity of direction and when the
1143messes occur they give them to the
1144people below them to clean them up and
1145so I believe in a trickle up type of
1146management system where those the the
1147people in the workforce have to actually
1148educate their managers and give
1149direction to their managers so that's
1150what I'm encouraging you to do all right
1151all right
1152very good thank you for your question
1153and taking the time to be with us and
1154post that okay let's see Royce how about
1155we take one of your questions you want
1156me to read it or you want to ask it live
1157all right pick the one you guys want me
1158to answer and let's go with that okay
1159sure so my question is I'm a big picture
1160and a caretaker and I know this affects
1161my success in my life but I'm not
1162entirely sure how it does that and also
1163how do I stop this bad habit because I
1164find myself trying to
1165fix others and try to make other people
1166perfect and yeah I just like some advice
1167and guidance on how to how to stop doing
1168this okay I have a bob newhart video
1169that I don't know if I have posted on
1170this class page or not I'll look if I
1171don't I'll post it and you can find it
1172on YouTube it's called just stop it
1173and and it is basically this woman that
1174comes to his office for therapy and to
1175spend an hour and he charges her I don't
1176remember what it's not very much money
1177and and he says well you know I can
1178solve your problem and you know probably
1179two or three minutes and she says well
1180how you can do that he says well tell me
1181your problem and basically she says
1182something kinda like you just said well
1183I'm you know I'm too nice to people I
1184try to fix or solve their problems and
1185his in his hurting me and he said okay
1186well here's my advice just stop it and
1187she said that's it he goes yeah was
1188there anything else you needed and well
1189that's all that you know you don't want
1190to hear more about it so he can tell me
1191more if you want she tells him a little
1192more he goes okay he says yeah he says
1193just stop it and that's the whole video
1194is him you know kind of doing the bob
1195newhart you know things just stop it and
1196and this really is true it goes and but
1197it goes back to like part of the answer
1198I gave to tabby in the previous question
1199you have to know where you're getting
1200off-track and it sounds like you do know
1201that you have a tendency to get caught
1202up and give you know the people advice
1203helping them you know fix things get
1204things perfect solve their problems and
1205you're not sure how its detrimental to
1206you but I think you have some idea that
1207it is now I also know from the other
1208questions that you wrote you wrote three
1209of them that that you are a very fused
1210family there's boundary issues you've
1211been raised to be codependent it sounds
1212like and not rock the boat and take care
1213of everybody else's needs and want so
1214you're probably doing something that you
1215were naturally taught to do in your
1216fused family system and that is try to
1217make everything good for everybody else
1218you probably also internalized a belief
1219system either that your needs aren't
1220important or
1221that everybody else's needs should come
1222before yours and maybe even that your
1223needs are bad and so therefore you you
1224do your best to make sure everybody
1225else's needs get met now I want to tell
1226you I was very much the same way that
1227you describe through a good part of my
1228life and I still catch myself doing it I
1229still catch myself kind of getting
1230caught up when people I know or care
1231about have a need or had need some help
1232or need something fixed and again you
1233know if you're kind of a systems analyst
1234kind of person and you're smart enough
1235and you can figure stuff out quickly
1236because you're not emotionally wrapped
1237up in their problem you can probably
1238give them fairly good practical advice
1239now as you said in your in your email
1240you send me sometimes you give it
1241unsolicited without it being asked for
1242and unfortunately how most people take
1243unsolicited advice is that they're not
1244good enough or they're not smart enough
1245or they have to do it your way we think
1246we're being helpful and I know my
1247mother's very much this way she's she
1248was a born codependent the youngest of
1249like nine kids with an angry critical
1250father she married an angry critical
1251husband raised me her son to be
1252codependent
1253maybe it's partly in our temperament but
1254I still have to be very conscious of
1255when I get caught up in giving people
1256advice of how to usually accomplish
1257something they want to accomplish I mean
1258part of my job involves doing that
1259sharing what appears to be good advice
1260that people have asked for but here's
1261what I noticed really before I came very
1262far in my recovery is that I was helping
1263everybody else solve their problems and
1264it was a real convenient way for me not
1265to have to look inward at myself and
1266confront myself and look at where I
1267wasn't living up to my potential and one
1268of the chapters in this series of this
1269course is going to talk about that about
1270how we tend to sacrifice ourselves or
1271maybe sometimes the biggest thing
1272holding us back is the people who love
1273us
1274most and and as odd as that sounds it
1275can be true either because of the fusion
1276in the family where it scares them for
1277us to be successful or have passion or
1278not be under their control anymore or
1279not be helping them manage their anxiety
1280or it scares us to venture out and
1281differentiate and move into the unknown
1282and have a big life and so I know for me
1283going out there and being successful and
1284having a big life was scary it was the
1285unknown I I was kind of always taught
1286that the world's a scary place my family
1287taught me that and then when you don't
1288know where you're going you have no
1289roadmap so you don't know what you're
1290gonna encounter when I decided I wanted
1291to move to Mexico even though I visited
1292here I had no idea if that would work
1293and I planned it for probably 10 years
1294or more actually and probably could have
1295done it sooner than I did and what I did
1296finally make the move down here
1297everything worked fine he was smoothers
1298things were went better than I ever
1299imagined so what I found for me is I've
1300spent a lot of time it's easier to solve
1301other people's issues and see where
1302they're stuck than it is to solve our
1303issues and see where we're stuck so one
1304of the things you're gonna have to stop
1305doing that just stop it part is catch
1306yourself when you're giving other people
1307suggestions and advice especially
1308unsolicited and if you catch yourself
1309maybe ask yourself the question then
1310just go hmm I'm helping other people
1311solve their problems what do I really
1312need to be working on in my life is
1313there a project I need to be working on
1314do I need to be getting to the gym more
1315do I need to be living up to my full
1316potential do I need to be dealing with
1317diffusion into my family do I need to be
1318setting better boundaries do I need to
1319be going back to school ask yourself
1320what is it I most need to be doing right
1321now and use your you're helping
1322caretaking and problem solving as a
1323little alarm system to get your focus
1324back on you and where you need to be
1325going
1326now one thing I'll say the difference
1327between caring and caretaking caring is
1328giving to other people what they really
1329need was most useful to them caretaking
1330is what we need to give to other people
1331to either manage our anxiety or feel
1332good about ourselves and and there's the
1333difference you can actually care for
1334other people without being caretaking
1335but in my experience I found that you
1336have to stop giving and caretaking at
1337all before you can start noticing what
1338the difference is and I have done that
1339I've gone through periods of time
1340six-month moratorium
1341where I did not do anything for anybody
1342else or give anything to anybody else
1343even while I was married didn't give my
1344wife birthday cards gifts anything
1345didn't do anything special for her and
1346she knew about it she was supportive of
1347the process so you may decide to go on a
1348moratorium of not giving any advice or
1349any help to any other people especially
1350unsolicited and then when you do catch
1351yourself either doing it or thinking
1352about doing it ask yourself what do I
1353most need to be working on in me in my
1354life right now
1355right that sounds really good okay
1356actually in some ways of your answer
1357answered all three of my questions
1358that's fantastic yeah it helped that I
1359had all three of them I read them before
1360we went on so maybe maybe unconsciously
1361I kind of wove some all of that in there
1362so those are it is an excellent question
1363and as we go along if we have enough
1364other questions to fill out the hour
1365great if we if it slows down and you
1366want to ask another one of those
1367questions feel free to jump back in okay
1368sure thanks you bet thanks for being
1369here with us okay if you've got a
1370question shot your name out and I'll
1371take it yes okay Robert from so yeah
1372well I got several questions here but
1373I'll ask one of them a lot of nice guy
1374stuff it's it's about ruts and patterns
1375and and you feel trapped and so what I
1376what the opposite to me is be freedom so
1377how do you develop and feel freedom oh
1378man that's a little bit too vague for me
1379you're gonna ask me a more specific
1380question than they
1381you haven't given me a specific place in
1382your life where you're stuck or in a rut
1383and let's work with that specific place
1384and and I'm wondering based by your
1385heads days hesitation for a minute is
1386maybe one of the reasons you're stuck is
1387that you do think and speak in
1388generalities and not specific so you
1389know how do you find freedom that's a
1390pretty big generality philosophers have
1391been writing and talking about that for
1392centuries so where are you stuck
1393probably let's try let's try it a
1394different way they ask you this what you
1395still wear this Robert well Oh
1396Robert numbers sure whatever get her up
1397death unfortunately he may hopefully
1398finds his way back how he didn't bail on
1399me oh why was he so hard on him
1400yeah no I couldn't for a minute
1401so yeah did you come up with area
1402well developing wants in terms of baby
1403and maybe a specific area would be
1404career okay so what do you like doing
1405I'm definitely an analytical type I you
1406know what I was gonna guess that after
1407your first two sentences okay and and
1408I'm really not doing anything well I use
1409it in my job but it's not what I'm it's
1410not the major aspect of my job okay and
1411I wish I wish it work okay so what do
1412you like doing what do I like doing it's
1413not a trick I'd like to have something
1414lady in a public policy role you say
1415maybe give you if you were working at
1416your dream job what is it you would be
1417doing in your dream job okay that's good
1418now I know you said you can shoot for
1419the moon you probably said let's be kind
1420of crazy but that's good because that
1421that that shows us where your intention
1422and your passion is because that's a
1423major you know organization nonprofit
1424that does good around the world and you
1425would that something about that must
1426appeal to you the work they do and the
1427fact that they need people to to be
1428developing policy right so whether or
1429not it was the Gates Foundation that
1430what you blurted there as well like
1431blurting
1432shows us where were were your intention
1433is and where your passions are so quite
1434simply what would it take for you to
1435move into some sort of organization
1436perhaps similar in scope or focus as the
1437Gates Foundation and be developing
1438policy what would it take for you to get
1439there I mean people look at my
1440background let's say you haven't done
1441this before therefore you can't do it
1442now
1443you say I never believed in people say
1444because you know whenever Ingrid tells
1445me well society expects this or people
1446say this all right that's your
1447problem is apparently you get frustrated
1448by people say so how did Bill Gates
1449start an organization his initial
1450company it was he and Paul Allen well I
1451know that how'd he start the Gates
1452Foundation uh he had the money money
1453helps it doesn't hurt but don't you know
1454people said hey you can't drop out of
1455Harvard you've got to finish school and
1456get your degree people say that you know
1457don't you know people told him that was
1458a stupid thing to do so the point of
1459money point the point I'm making is he
1460started the Gates Foundation because it
1461was important to him and yes he had the
1462financial whereabouts to do it his way
1463to do it the way he wanted but he did
1464what was important to him and usually
1465when people are stuck is because they're
1466not doing what's important to them and
1467we can blame society we can blame people
1468we can blame any number of things but
1469there is no blame there are no excuses
1470one of the things I try to challenge in
1471myself is whenever I catch myself making
1472an excuse with and usually they never
1473actually make it out of my mouth but I'm
1474thinking them in my head sometimes and
1475usually an excuse to give to other
1476people I haven't done something or why
1477I'm not working on my book or this or
1478that I try not to make any excuses
1479because bottom line is I can do whatever
1480the I want to do and if I'm not
1481doing it is because I'm not doing it
1482right
1483let's not blame anybody else so if you
1484want to find a way to be involved in
1485policy for for an organization that's
1486doing good in the world figure out how
1487to get there don't make excuses figure
1488out how to do it you need to go back to
1489school do you need to take an internship
1490do you need to go to work for a company
1491doing something that you have skills in
1492and get your foot in the door and find a
1493way to then become more and more
1494involved in the process I mean there are
1495plenty of companies now that are being
1496run by people that were not on a CEO
1497track when they started in that company
1498in fact company this headquarters where
1499I live in Seattle is Costco they always
1500promote from within you've got it to get
1501a job at Costco you have to start out
1502being a checker on the floor and they
1503promote from within that the CEO that
1504just retired from there a couple years
1505ago used to come to the same coffee shop
1506I hung out in every morning I still see
1507him on the floor of the Costco that I
1508shop in next to their headquarters and
1509he's not even the act of CEO anymore ok
1510you can find a way to do what you want
1511to do if you're if you are willing to
1512put the time the work do the research
1513figure out how to get there and don't
1514make excuses and don't let anybody else
1515make excuses for you and if you can't
1516get into some other organization figure
1517out how to start one of your own but
1518don't let excuses get in your way
1519well fair enough
1520I don't know what fair enough means yeah
1521the other advice I've seen you give
1522maybe not in maybe in a handout is a
1523work on things at night and on weekends
1524if you have a full-time job well you
1525know you know what that um somebody I
1526remember made a pose maybe he's even you
1527that that is actually that that article
1528that I post you know find what you love
1529and do it on nights and weekends
1530that's satire I hope everybody got that
1531is satire and and the satire of it is if
1532it's what you love why the would
1533you only do it on nights and weekends
1534why would you do it for you for the
1535significant part of your life that's
1536that's the the parody of it is that if
1537you love it do it and and here's here's
1538just one of the thought Robert and I'll
1539throw up for you and I found this is
1540especially true with analytical types
1541and you say that your analytical one of
1542the things we analytical types tend to
1543do and and it can it can be our downfall
1544every time is we overthink we can
1545can run a decision tree in our head out
1546multiple branches of looking at every
1547possible thing usually that could go
1548wrong if we followed a particular
1549endeavor and if your brain has that
1550tendency to kind of be a ruminating
1551analytical brain that needs to figure
1552everything out and get everything
1553analyzed before you take action and if
1554you're easily deterred by your own
1555thoughts that is a piece that you have
1556to work on and and and that can be a
1557challenge and more and more I'm
1558developing a course on ruminating brain
1559hopefully teach it later this fall
1560because I work with a lot of guys whose
1561brains fool them into thinking they're
1562gathering information when actually
1563they're just spinning in place because
1564it's easier than taking the action and I
1565and I was kind of that way I mentioned
1566coming down to Mexico I know I spun
1567about it and analyzed it and thought I
1568had to have every you know every T
1569crossed every I dotted everything in
1570place where I came down here and then a
1571friend of mine went bankrupt with his
1572construction company during the the
1573housing
1574and and he and he just said it I
1575got a friend in Mexico I'm moving to
1576Mexico and building houses he wasn't all
1577prepared to go do it and he went and did
1578it and I thought okay if he can go do it
1579with very little preparation as much as
1580I prepared I'm going this year so yeah I
1581was in that over-analytical mode too and
1582I've gotten much better at that and it's
1583just now some seems like a good idea I
1584talked to a couple people and I'm all in
1585it doesn't take me months or years
1586anymore to change direction or figure it
1587out so that may be a piece Robert that
1588could be getting in your way too is the
1589tendency to overanalyze stuff and
1590especially finding the possible
1591negatives or the possible downsides and
1592to get easily frustrated when you bump
1593into a wall and again I don't know you I
1594don't know if that's what's happening
1595but if that's the case I strongly
1596recommend either go work with a coach or
1597a therapist or somebody that can help
1598you kind of get onto those tendencies in
1599yourself and use them as a tool not as
1600something that keeps getting in your way
1601I think I'm more risk avoidance but it's
1602people are risk avoidant because they do
1603a risk management analysis in every
1604situation you may not realize you're
1605doing it but I bet money you do just
1606from our brief conversation I bet
1607they're big money that you do a risk
1608management analysis of every decision
1609whether involves walking up to talking
1610to a girl you're attracted to or
1611changing banks or asking your boss for a
1612raise I figure you dude loads of
1613risk management is my guess and that's
1614what makes people risk adverse you
1615wouldn't be a risk adverse if your brain
1616wasn't getting in the way of it cuz if
1617your brain wasn't slowing it down you
1618just jump into stuff yeah okay so again
1619maybe go work with a coach or you know
1620find a mastermind group something to
1621help you do that don't overthink that
1622either just just go do it and and know
1623that okay if if I want something to
1624change in my life I gotta face some
1625fears and I've got to find out what I'm
1626doing that is magnifying my fears and
1627me from moving forward and again it'll
1628probably be a process it's gonna take
1629you some time it has been for me because
1630I'm that same I do the risk management
1631analysis I've let my fears control me a
1632lot of my life but I have surrounded
1633myself with people that are supportive
1634of me that are supportive of my dreams
1635and passions and who are also good at
1636taking risks themself I have a lot of
1637good role models in that regard
1638okay thank you thank you for that I got
1639some ideas here good I'm glad so I hope
1640that was helpful so thanks for asking
1641your question Robert okay somebody Fred
1642online on the little chat box I love
1643these short short questions I love them
1644just says dr. Glover
1645can you explain what blurting is yeah
1646it's blurting as really all it is you
1647know let's not make it more complicated
1648it's kind of like you know just stop it
1649you know let's not make it too
1650complicated blurting it's just saying
1651whatever's in the front part of your
1652brain and I know I ran into this when I
1653started working with guys around Dayton
1654and so many guys would say well you know
1655I see a pretty woman or I see a woman I
1656like but I just don't know what to do
1657and I don't know what to say to her I
1658said well it's not rocket science just
1659blurt whatever in the front part of your
1660brain just say hi how's your day going
1661or she's got shopping bag say you've
1662been shopping just just blurt the you
1663know birthday obvious and guys would say
1664well I I don't have anything in my brain
1665at that moment I'm not thinking anything
1666and usually I say well les you're a
1667Zen master you have thoughts
1668your thoughts usually are oh I better
1669not say that oh she what if she throws
1670her drink at me if I doctor or oh so
1671you're having thoughts but you're just
1672censoring yourself from actually
1673blurting whatever your thought maybe now
1674I'm a blurter
1675I've learned to do it and sometimes the
1676that comes out of my mouth I wish I
1677had it back you know I wish I could put
1678that that toothpaste back in the tube
1679but that's maybe only 5% of the
1680time I'd say 95% of the time whatever I
1681blurt weather is with clients or like in
1682workshops or seminars or days like this
1683or with a friend or with a woman I'm
1684talking to I've found that if I just go
1685with the thoughts that come in my head
1686they're often golden and they're often
1687very intuitive and they're off and right
1688on and sometimes really funny and well
1689timed because I haven't overthought it
1690so I'm a big advocate of just blurting
1691the whatever and and usually the thought
1692we hold back is a thought that is
1693usually somewhat ironic perhaps or
1694sometimes it can be sarcastic or
1695sometimes it can be illuminating and we
1696hold it back so we go what if people are
1697offended or what if they don't like it
1698now I I think it may have been Royce
1699that also asked on what the question he
1700sent me about blurting and he was
1701talking about being brutally honest now
1702I'm not talking about being brutally
1703honest when you're blurting I mean you
1704you know if your first thought in your
1705head is damn bitch you're fat I mean no
1706you don't say that
1707and that's not appropriate but like for
1708example when I was doing I had private
1709practice in therapy if an overweight
1710woman came to my office and sat down and
1711spent the first hour talking about the
1712issues in her life and she never
1713mentioned her weight and she's obviously
1714overweight I would just say okay what
1715about your weight and every I mean first
1716time or two I said that it scared me go
1717almost to bring up a woman's
1718weight but I was their therapist and in
1719every situation it would sigh and they
1720go yeah it's kind of a big deal for me
1721I said well you haven't brought it up or
1722talked about it let's talk about it now
1723if I if I held that back if I censored
1724it I wouldn't have been a good therapist
1725and I and that's actually probably where
1726I started learning to honor the blurts
1727is that if a client was talking and my
1728brain says well I think that's probably
1729horseshit or like even when Robert in
1730the first two sentences I figured he was
1731probably an over analytical type that
1732his brain thought he was gathering
1733information and but he was doing risk
1734management to avoid issue so I blurted
1735because that was my impression I thought
1736it might be helpful it might give us a
1737direction to go so I'm not a big
1738advocate of being mean or hurtful and if
1739something hurtful comes out of my mouth
1740number one I'll own it and make amends
1741but number two I usually then check in
1742with myself what's going on with me that
1743I said something hurtful because it's
1744not my nature now I'd be a critical guy
1745I can be opinionated but in general I'm
1746not a hurtful person I don't like
1747hurting people so if I say something I
1748usually kind of look back inside of me
1749and if I've said something hurtful more
1750often than not is because I've let
1751something build up that I've not dealt
1752with maybe with that person
1753maybe something in general I haven't
1754dealt with it maybe a little resentment
1755kind of going on inside a little
1756something and it came out in in an
1757edginess or hurtfulness so if you blurt
1758something and it comes out and and
1759you've just made an ass of yourself ask
1760yourself the question what's going on
1761inside of me that something hurtful came
1762out of me because it's it came from
1763someplace inside of your head now if
1764you're not thinking resort resentful
1765thoughts or hurtful thoughts most of
1766what you blurt will probably actually be
1767you said pretty intuitive pretty
1768insightful often very funny or very to
1769the point I can't tell you how many
1770people Jerry my girlfriend says this to
1771me all the time when I were like we're
1772walking in public and I blurt something
1773out about a person or a situation she'll
1774bust up laughs and she goes oh I was
1775thinking it
1776you said it out loud so it's usually
1777just something very obvious or ironic
1778so don't overthink it the best advice I
1779give you is take the sensor off don't
1780overthink the things you're saying to
1781people and risk blurting what's ever in
1782the front of your brain and and then go
1783from there if you need to make amends
1784make amends if everybody is a good laugh
1785out of it great if you say something
1786hurtful check in with yourself and see
1787maybe what kind of negativity is going
1788on inside of you
1789so fred was that helpful
1790he said I'd definitely want to try this
1791I always overthink it so ready to give
1792this a go so yes he said it was helpful
1793so don't don't just try it just do it if
1794you have a thought blurt it it really is
1795that simple and in usually when we fall
1796on our faces because we have the thought
1797think about it for 30 seconds or you
1798know 30 minutes and then try and say it
1799and it's the timings come and gone and
1800and and it people just look at it's like
1801or did that come from so blurred it in
1802that moment and just play with it have
1803fun with it don't make it rocket science
1804just just play with it oh thanks for it
1805thanks for the question all right how
1806about we take it one more question
1807does anybody have a burning itching
1808question they want to get out and if so
1809just shout your name out first and we'll
1810go from there
1811hey it's Reid I've got a question for
1812you dr. lover
1813okay Reid where you from I'm from
1814Vancouver Vancouver alright what's your
1815question reason well my question is what
1816I've read your book and I think it's
1817been really instrumental in my life I
1818always have this pervasive feeling that
1819no matter what I do it's never enough
1820and I know where it comes from it stems
1821from childhood when I you know I wasn't
1822enough for my dad
1823executive successful I'm a pilot you
1824know all these things on paper you know
1825you'd say wow that's almost a great
1826accomplishment but still you know I have
1827this this nagging feeling that you know
1828the end of the day I'm just not enough
1829okay that's a good question and believe
1830it or not a lot of people deal with that
1831to some degree or another I've dealt
1832with airline pilots executives high ups
1833you know educators that still feel like
1834they're not good enough not doing enough
1835maybe that they're a fraud that they'll
1836be found out or that other people could
1837do the job better than them it's not
1838unusual and and I think nice guys
1839struggle with it a lot now I must throw
1840out a
1841a hunch or a theory and this goes back
1842to the ruminating brain thing that I
1843mentioned earlier of something I've been
1844making notes now for a couple years and
1845I'm excited about pulling it together
1846I've begun to see that a number of the
1847guys I work with have what I call a
1848ruminating brain and the best way I know
1849describe it is just like you've got a
1850washing machine spinning up in your head
1851and I think for most guys this is
1852probably a genetic inherited trait much
1853like inheriting a predisposition for
1854alcoholism or ATD and because often when
1855I start talking with somebody about
1856their tendency to be a ruminator and
1857spin in their head about things more
1858often than not that one or more parents
1859that were ruminator is either they were
1860very critical depressed anxious
1861addictive impulsive absent OCD
1862controlling it so it's not unusual to
1863see that the brain tendencies passed on
1864now just to give you a quick nutshell
1865overview of this I found that what
1866happens is the brain ruminates like I
1867said like a washing machine spinning in
1868the head and most of the ruminations
1869always come back to the person thinking
1870these thoughts in a negative way about
1871self sometimes negative about the world
1872or other people but most often about
1873self and I found there's three general
1874areas where the the rumination can occur
1875it can occur ruminating about the past
1876past mistakes you've made or you believe
1877you made missed opportunities regrets
1878things you feel guilty about shame about
1879and I've known people that will
1880replaying from 20 years in their
1881past and still feeling terrible about it
1882okay now that serves no purpose but
1883while the brain is ruminating it
1884convinces us that it's gathering
1885information or it's helping us figure
1886something out or is educating us to not
1887make that mistake again
1888but all it really does is make us feel
1889bad so one way we can ruminate is
1890dwelling in the past using a negative
1891way another way we can ruminate can be
1892more in the present where either we're
1893judging ourselves usually by some
1894arbitrary
1895standard or by the standard you like
1896well by I'm 35 I should have
1897accomplished this by now I'm 60 I should
1898have this figured out by now or we
1899compare ourselves to other people and
1900give people the example going back to
1901Bill Gates Bill Gates graduated from the
1902ice from high school the exact same year
1903I did at a high school maybe 10 miles
1904from where I went to high school and now
1905he's the world's richest guy and and I'm
1906not I'm nowhere even on that map well I
1907could compare myself to Bill Gates if I
1908wanted to but what good would that do me
1909other they make me feel bad about myself
1910but the ruminating brain can do that the
1911ruminating brain in the present can also
1912ruminate about what other people are
1913thinking about us or if I do this while
1914I look foolish or Envy resentment
1915jealousy are all ways that we can
1916ruminate
1917but that standard of never doing it good
1918enough is a real powerful way the kind
1919of everyday you're you're seen where you
1920could have done more where you're not
1921doing it good enough then the third way
1922that we can tend to ruminate is about
1923the future and usually catastrophizing
1924about the future well if I do this it
1925won't work out can I go back to Roberts
1926question well if I try to do this people
1927will say I'm not qualified oh okay then
1928you don't do anything but all he did was
1929ruminate about something that might
1930happen in the future and and maybe
1931because it did happen a time or two in
1932the past so we assume it's gonna happen
1933in the future or we see that you know
1934the sky's gonna fall or you know things
1935are going well now well they're probably
1936good it's gonna crash and burn the other
1937shoes gonna fall at some point
1938or I've heard people say well I just
1939have the Jones luck everybody in my
1940family is unlucky it just happens to us
1941so we can ruminate about the future as
1942well now again our brain convinces us
1943that this is all productive and that
1944it's gathering information and is
1945helpful but all it tends to really do is
1946make us feel bad about ourselves now an
1947example of not feeling good enough one
1948of the things and I teach guys how to
1949redirect their thinking how do how to
1950use some present moment awareness to
1951help them kind of slow things down how
1952to use some cognitive behavioral therapy
1953to put the bright light of reason on the
1954situation and
1955see if it really makes sense um there's
1956some fireworks or something going off
1957right near my house I noticed it was
1958distracting me
1959they loved fireworks down here in Mexico
1960I don't know that's either a gunfight
1961with narcos or fireworks I can never
1962tell which it is so I always I I go with
1963fireworks first I hope that's what it is
1964if anyway is still going on I noticed it
1965keeps distracting me so but here's the
1966thing I noticed for example that you
1967know as I got older I kind of developed
1968a little bit of paunch around the middle
1969and it always been really thin as a kid
1970as I got older I put on weight and tried
1971to work out an exercise but always it
1972seems like my belly is where I'd store
1973my weight and I every time I look in the
1974mirror I'd feel negative in myself I'd
1975be critical eye and but the funny thing
1976was it never really did change you know
1977change me in any way that made me go
1978work hard enough or eat better enough to
1979lose the gut so I noticed that
1980everything I look at time I look in the
1981mirror I just be negative well but at
1982the same time you know I was pretty
1983regular at the gym I workout and and I
1984wouldn't even notice that my arms look
1985good or my chest look good all I'd see
1986was my gut so I started doing a couple
1987of things I said okay I'm gonna use my
1988gut as kind of a little bit of an alarm
1989system that says stay conscious eat
1990healthy go to the gym because my guts
1991kind of a barometer of how I've been
1992doing with those things and if I'm
1993eating healthier and working out more I
1994get leaner if I'm not I get heavier in
1995the middle so instead of being
1996judgmental about it number one I started
1997using it as just my alarm my barometer
1998this says pay attention to what you eat
1999today Robert make sure you get to the
2000gym now the second thing that I started
2001doing is that whenever I look in the
2002mirror if I notice a negative thought or
2003even sometimes I just do a proactive I'd
2004look in the mirror and look at things I
2005liked about myself whether it be my
2006muscle tone in my upper body my dimples
2007you know in my eyes whatever I would
2008focus on things I liked and felt good
2009about and now I don't know whether this
2010process that I'm in pretty decent shape
2011right now or I've just shifted that
2012ruminating I rarely rarely have that
2013negative thought when I look at my
2014in the mirror but that was a period of a
2015few years really consciously working at
2016it that I worked to redirect ruminations
2017of my brain so here's what I tell guys
2018to do to kind of just give you a luck
2019shell on this if they realize maybe
2020their brain has a tendency to ruminate
2021around certain themes whether it be in
2022the past present not good enough future
2023everything's gonna go to hell in a
2024handbasket get a notebook and for a week
2025observe whenever your brain ruminates
2026especially in ways that make you feel
2027bad about yourself jot that down
2028don't write a lot but just jot it down
2029and give it a name if you can and I
2030don't know and give it give it a funny
2031or clever or poignant name if you can
2032like you know you know the the dad says
2033I'm just not good enough rumination and
2034whenever you notice it just make a note
2035of it because like I've seen earlier in
2036the talk we can't change anything unless
2037we're conscious enough of when is up
2038when it's going and then we go oh there
2039it is and then we can slow our thoughts
2040down we can check in we can do you know
2041a little cognitive behavioral therapy we
2042we can put our plan into effect but
2043we've got to be able to see it first so
2044get a notebook notice whenever you have
2045thoughts that are self-critical and and
2046probably your thoughts aren't you just
2047get up every day and say I'm not good
2048enough I'm not good enough probably what
2049happens is that your brain tends to
2050focus on perceived flaws or things you
2051haven't gotten done or things other
2052people do better notice that and that
2053maybe even two different traits focusing
2054on your perceived flaws or not or
2055focusing on other people who seem to be
2056doing things better give those names and
2057then when you notice yourself doing it
2058saying oh my brain is doing that XYZ
2059rumination and just go huh that's
2060interesting that my brain is doing that
2061right now
2062and the core of that this will help you
2063do and then I use this this term a lot
2064is it will help you learn to be the
2065observer of your thoughts
2066not the believer of your thoughts
2067and that's core because every single
2068human being on this planet believes
2069every thought they have is true and
2070accurate but our brains lie to us all
2071the time I don't have time to get a lot
2072of details now but we've been wrong
2073about things we had misinformed opinions
2074we were incorrect about our own self
2075opinion about things our brain lies to
2076us all the time so what we have to do is
2077learn to be the observer of our thoughts
2078not the believer of them and just the
2079fact that you observe yourself maybe
2080comparing or ruminating or feeling not
2081good enough
2082that in itself raises you and do
2083somewhat of a higher consciousness just
2084that observing of it so did I get close
2085to to answering what's going on inside
2086your head Reid yeah you did yeah on the
2087three traits thanks I appreciate it okay
2088and and stay tuned because as I said I'm
2089working on the the ruminating brain
2090online course and hopefully I'll turn
2091that into a book as well because I think
2092there's a lot of people out there that
2093ruminate and don't realize they ruminate
2094maybe if you ask them and say does your
2095brain think about stuff a lot ruminate a
2096lot say well yeah I do actually
2097and I'll say is it usually ruminating
2098ways and make you feel bad about
2099yourself well yeah now that you
2100mentioned it I guess it does but all
2101those things we think about we believe
2102are all true and accurate or useful or
2103helpful and oftentimes there none of the
2104above but we believe them because that's
2105the noise in our head okay so have fun
2106with that read like say get a notebook
2107and practice being the observer of you
2108okay our alarm of somebody's parrot or
2109macaw or whatever says it's time to wrap
2110this up in the background and the
2111fireworks are done here so that
2112distraction is gone so I want to thank
2113you everyone that was on board ask
2114questions and just joined us whether you
2115asked a question or not and I hope I
2116gave you some helpful information I am
2117recording this and by tomorrow I'll have
2118it posted on the class resource page and
2119again feel free to use the instructor
2120Q&A; if you have other questions I like
2121answering questions in that
2122and as we get closer to wrapping up this
2123course I'll plan another live QA and
2124pick a different day of the week a
2125little bit different time of day to make
2126it possible for other people to join us
2127who couldn't be here today so tomorrow
2128take what I said today and find some way
2129to apply at least one aspect of
2130something I talked about in this Q&A;
2131find some way to apply at least one
2132aspect at work today or tomorrow
2133depending on when you're listening to
2134this consciously say here's one way I'm
2135gonna practice doing this one thing that
2136I like the dr. klevor talked about and
2137then do it because again nothing changes
2138in your life until you start doing
2139something different so go do something
2140different and have an adventure with it
2141okay guys thanks a lot for being here
2142thanks for being such a good group of
2143guys and look forward to seeing all of
2144you back in class thank you alright guys
2145take care
2146you
2147
2148
2149
2150
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2152
2153
2154
2155
2156
2157I'm dr. Robert Glover the author of no
2158more mr. nice guy this is a relaxation
2159and guided visualization exercise you'll
2160need a quiet comfortable place where you
2161can relax undisturbed for about 20
2162minutes
2163stop your player at this time until
2164you're in a quiet place relaxed on a
2165comfortable chair couch or the floor and
2166are ready to begin the relaxation and
2167visualization exercise when you're ready
2168start your player again rest comfortably
2169on a bed couch chair or pillow close
2170your eyes and take a half-dozen slow
2171deep breath breathe in slowly and deeply
2172from deep in your belly and then slowly
2173exhale do this five or six times with
2174each breath feel the tension slip out of
2175your body focus on your breath as it
2176enters and leaves your body let your
2177breath be your Center but when your mind
2178drifts and your thoughts drift away
2179don't judge it just relax into it
2180and bring your attention back to your
2181breath as you feel yourself beginning to
2182relax flex and release each muscle group
2183in your body start at the top of your
2184body and work your way down to your feet
2185flex and release your facial muscles
2186your jaw
2187your neck and your shoulders continue to
2188slowly breathe feeling the breath
2189entering and leaving your body and then
2190flex and release your chest and upper
2191back Lex and release your belly and then
2192flex and release your upper arms your
2193lower arms and then your hands flex and
2194release your butt muscles your upper
2195legs your lower legs and then your toes
2196after you've relaxed your muscle groups
2197listen to the sounds around you allow
2198them to become background noise that
2199relaxes you even further continue to
2200observe your breathing relaxing even
2201deeper
2202picture yourself resting in a calm
2203environment perhaps on a white sandy
2204beach in the Caribbean in front of a
2205fire in a mountain cabin we're next to a
2206gentle stream in a beautiful meadow for
2207a few moments go fully into this special
2208place you've chosen feel the feelings
2209hear the sounds smell the smells see
2210your surroundings allow yourself to just
2211drift into Pleasant relaxation if
2212thoughts enter your mind just notice
2213them and let them pass bring your
2214attention back to your breathing each
2215time your mind wanders let go of all
2216judgment let go of all resistance with
2217each breath let your body sink deeper
2218into relaxation
2219as you relax I'm going to describe a
2220childhood scenario it may not resemble
2221your own childhood but that's okay just
2222let yourself enter into the
2223visualization your mind might resist a
2224scenario but that's okay to just observe
2225your mind resisting don't fight it
2226even if your conscious mind resists your
2227unconscious mind will let it in imagine
2228yourself as a young child picture
2229yourself in front of the first house you
2230can remember living in walk up to the
2231door and enter see all of the familiar
2232surroundings visualize your mother and
2233father sitting next to each other on a
2234couch they are holding hands and talking
2235they obviously love each other and are
2236happy to be together when your mother
2237and father see you they smile and invite
2238you to come join them they both hug you
2239and give you a kiss you climb up into
2240your father's lap you feel your father's
2241strength and see the look of love in
2242your mother's eyes you can feel how much
2243both of your parents love you your
2244father asks if you want to go to the
2245park and have a picnic you all jump up
2246and get ready as a family you drive to
2247the park when you get there your mother
2248spreads a picnic basket of food out on a
2249blanket the sun is shining the sky is
2250blue the air is warm with a gentle
2251cooling breeze
2252feel the warmth of the Sun on your back
2253notice how green the grass is and how
2254blue the sky is notice a few wispy
2255clouds floating overhead as you sit on
2256the picnic blanket with your parents
2257everyone eats and laughs after lunch
2258your mother kisses you on the cheek and
2259tells you to go play with your dad
2260you and your father play catch with the
2261football your mother watches smiling you
2262try and tackle your father by grabbing
2263him by the leg he playfully drags you
2264along and then tumbles to the ground you
2265climb on top of your dad and wrestle him
2266trying to pin him to the ground after
2267wrestling for a few minutes
2268your father picks you up and gives you a
2269piggyback ride to where your mother is
2270sitting on the picnic blanket when it's
2271time to leave you help your mom and dad
2272pack up the car your parents take you
2273home and help you get ready for bed they
2274tuck you in and give you a hug and a
2275kiss on the cheek your mom sits on the
2276bed and read you a short story while you
2277drift off to sleep as you close your
2278eyes your mother closes the book and
2279kisses you on the forehead you fall
2280asleep happy and secure you know you are
2281loved and protected you know that your
2282needs will always be met you naturally
2283believe that the world is like your
2284family and that is a
2285filled with love and abundance you feel
2286safe and confident let these feelings
2287and beliefs soak in for a few minutes if
2288your mind resists just smile and observe
2289the resistance
2290each time you listen to this
2291visualization your mind will allow more
2292and more of these positive feelings into
2293both your conscious and unconscious mind
2294you'll notice less and less resistance
2295over time try listening to this
2296recording once or twice a day for the
2297next two weeks as you do observe how you
2298begin to slowly see the world as an
2299abundant place and you begin to act with
2300more and more confidence and less and
2301less anxiety in just a moment I'm going
2302to count to three when I reach the
2303number three take three deep breaths and
2304slowly open your eyes
2305stretch and rest comfortably until
2306you're ready to continue with your day
2307one feeling relaxed warm and safe
2308- coming up taking a slow deep breath
2309three take another deep breath and when
2310you are ready open your eyes slowly
2311stretch your body enjoy your day this is
2312dr. Robert Glover thank you for
2313listening
2314
2315
2316
2317
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2320
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2322
2323
2324
2325
2326
2327welcome to the dating essentials for men
2328Q&A; podcast this is the forum or dr.
2329Robert Glover the author of no more mr.
2330nice guy answers your dating and
2331relationship questions in part 2 of this
2332two-part dating essentials for men Q&A;
2333podcast dr. Glover applies the
2334principles of gratitude and abundance
2335thinking to dating he shows how a
2336mindset of abundance helps you better
2337understand what turns women on helps you
2338take risk and challenge yourself and
2339helps you walk for open doors of
2340opportunity now here's dr. Glover this
2341podcast is part two of a two-part series
2342on abundance I frequently discussed the
2343concept of abundance in my online
2344classes and workshops it's a difficult
2345concept for many nice guys and bad
2346daters to grasp because it typically
2347conflicts with the deepest emotional
2348beliefs and life paradigm of most of the
2349men I work with most guys have a hard
2350time grasping it because it both on an
2351emotional and an intellectual level my
2352basic premise is that we live in an
2353abundant world we are surrounded by
2354opportunity our core issue is not that
2355there isn't enough to go around or that
2356we have been less blessed than others it
2357is that most nice guys and bad daters
2358just don't see how abundantly blessed
2359they are and then that becomes their
2360worldview in part one of this podcast we
2361discussed developing a regular abundance
2362practice and the benefits of that
2363abundance practice does at least two
2364things it creates a new mental habit to
2365replace the old mental habit of
2366deprivation thinking and negativity and
2367worry and it activates a different part
2368of our brain as we come to see how
2369blessed we are we see more blessings and
2370opportunities all around us this helps
2371us overcome the habit of negativity and
2372deprivation thinking in this podcast
2373will apply the principles of gratitude
2374and abundance think
2375to dating now if you have a hard time
2376accepting the principles of gratitude
2377and abundance thinking think about this
2378if you walk around thinking you are a
2379loser and that no woman will want you it
2380will be true why would a healthy woman
2381be attracted to a man with no life or a
2382deprivation view of the world
2383another problem is with your deprivation
2384thinking you won't see or believe the
2385signals of high interest that women send
2386you I talk with with daters all the time
2387and they tell me well yeah that woman
2388was checking me out she was looking at
2389me but I just didn't approach her well
2390because of your deprivation thinking you
2391either don't see the signals or when you
2392do see me don't act on them and then you
2393don't learn to see them in the future
2394or if you do meet a great woman
2395and you hook up with her you will start
2396thinking something is wrong with the
2397picture you'll wait for the other shoe
2398to drop and put your walls up
2399you'll get obsessive or possessive with
2400the woman because you think she's so
2401amazing you'll never find another woman
2402like her you may drive her away with
2403your deprivation view of the world
2404that's why we need to work on this habit
2405of thinking negatively and thinking from
2406a place of deprivation not only does it
2407do nothing to attract women to us and
2408make us miserable but it will also cause
2409us if we do get a woman to drive her
2410away or create all kinds of negativity
2411in that relationship as adults several
2412things can contribute to our deprivation
2413view of the world especially when it
2414comes to women sex and relationships and
2415I'd like to talk about a few of these
2416with you in this podcast here are some
2417of the things that contribute to our
2418deprivation thinking about women love
2419and sex one is our focus on fairness or
2420the seeming lack of it in the world
2421another is our lack of understanding of
2422what turns women on and therefore our
2423doing or not doing things that will turn
2424them on our lack another one is our lack
2425of willingness to challenge ourselves
2426and to take risk another thing that
2427contributes to our deprivation view of
2428the world and women in particular is a
2429status
2430we give to attractive women another is a
2431fact that many bad data's get really
2432easily distracted and therefore don't
2433take advantage of opportunity or put
2434them in a situation themselves in a
2435situation that increases the
2436opportunities of success and then
2437perhaps most significantly is our
2438failure to walk through open doors and
2439we'll wrap up with that one because
2440again if you you could be surrounded
2441with all kinds of opportunity for love
2442and sex and relationship but if you
2443don't walk through the open doors it
2444doesn't matter how much abundance you're
2445surrounded with so let's look at each of
2446these and talk about some things we can
2447do to overcome them through gratitude
2448and a practice of abundance thinking now
2449the first is a focus on fairness or
2450seeming lack of it now I can almost
2451always tell when I'm talking with a nice
2452guy and or a bad dater because they seem
2453obsessed about fairness people with
2454gratitude thinking or who have a
2455successful experience in life never
2456speak of fairness now while we live in
2457an abundant world there are many things
2458that appear unfair in fact if you are
2459listening to this podcast if you have
2460taken any of my classes if you've bought
2461my book that is actually the result of
2462unfairness you have probably been
2463unfairly blessed in ways that much of
2464the world has not in terms of
2465opportunity education finances or
2466material things but in spite of this you
2467can easily focus on people who appear to
2468have more stuff than you and believe you
2469have been treated unfairly by the powers
2470that be yes how crazy that deprivation
2471thinking and fairness thinking is but
2472what if these seemingly unfair things if
2473are the things that actually forced us
2474to evolve and grow and challenge
2475ourselves what if it is these things
2476that challenge us in positive ways what
2477if we saw everything that we perceive to
2478be unfair as a gift and be
2479to treat it as such how would that
2480change our thinking now I understand the
2481feeling of competition with other men
2482who are also seeking the most desirable
2483women
2484I understand feeling like attractive
2485women have all the power you know the
2486truth is an attractive woman can walk
2487into a bar and walk out with a guy to
2488take her home the average guy can't walk
2489into a bar and walk out with a woman to
2490take home
2491you've ever been on online dating for
2492example match.com
2493I'm told that men outnumber the women
2494about 4 to 1 and if you think about it
2495most of the men there are competing for
2496the same small pool of women if you have
2497a hundred guys on there and a hundred
2498women I promise you about 98 of the guys
2499will be competing for about the same
2500five to ten women so it makes everything
2501look unfair so even though it looks like
2502it's easier for women and that women
2503seem to have all the power I want you to
2504ponder a couple things in adulthood the
2505number of men and women in the world
2506except probably China is pretty evenly
2507split at about 50/50 now if we just look
2508at things in terms from heterosexual
2509from a heterosexual point of view ie men
2510and women men being attracted to women
2511women being attracted to men for every
2512woman who is in a relationship there is
2513a man as well it's one for one it's like
2514our brain loses its math skills when it
2515starts thinking from a deprivation point
2516of view there's exactly the same amount
2517of men in relationship as there are
2518women exactly how could it be anything
2519other than that if we look at it from a
2520purely heterosexual point of view so why
2521do we think it is women who have all the
2522power if actually there's an equal
2523number of men and women in relationship
2524now the problem we're actually dealing
2525with is men competing for the same
2526sexual celebrities ie women with the
2527best physical genes the male obsession
2528with female attractiveness is every bit
2529as shallow as a woman's obsess
2530with the thickness of a man's wallet if
2531you think about it would you want to
2532date a woman who was only looking for
2533the richest guy she could get well how
2534does that make you any different than
2535only looking for the prettiest woman you
2536can get they're both shallow so the real
2537problem isn't scarcity its immaturity so
2538we're gonna have to grow up if we're
2539gonna have to if we're going to if we
2540want to experience abundance in this
2541world now I'm not going to encourage you
2542to to get involved with women long-term
2543that you're not attracted to but to just
2544go after women purely based on physical
2545appearance is shallow and immature now
2546I've heard men I work with make
2547statements like well if I can't date a
2548hot woman why should I date at all well
2549that's like saying if I can't drive a
2550Bentley why should I Drive it all
2551there's a lot of very good cars we could
2552drive without having to drive a Bentley
2553same applies with women so the reality
2554is there are lots of good women out
2555there lots of good women who are single
2556women who are intelligent who have good
2557sense of humor who are fun to be with
2558now the reality also is there are fewer
2559women in terms of just pure numbers who
2560are a great match for you there's lots
2561of good women out there but the number
2562of women who are a great match for you
2563or a great match for me
2564is smaller now I'm not just talking
2565about physical appearance here I'm
2566talking about intelligence value since
2567the humor personal evolution compassion
2568work ethic affection these are the
2569things that make a woman a really great
2570match for us and of course the fact that
2571she is available at the time that we are
2572now here's another piece of reality the
2573more that you evolve the fewer women
2574will actually be available for it to be
2575a really great match because if the more
2576evolved you are the fewer women are
2577actually going to be in that same
2578evolved place in the world but the more
2579evolved you are the more you'll also see
2580other evolved people I like the analogy
2581that we all when we go to the party of
2582life we all hang out in a room
2583of the party that have people about it
2584the same degree of evolution as
2585ourselves and so we're comfortable with
2586those people but there's a lot of other
2587rooms at the party
2588there's there's rooms at the party that
2589have people that are much more evolved
2590than us and much less involved than us
2591the rooms that are people less evolved
2592than us have more people in them than
2593the rooms that have people with more
2594evolved than us so even though there's
2595fewer people in each room as you evolve
2596in the party of life the people keep
2597getting better and better their higher
2598quality matches for you so it's not a
2599deprivation issue it's just a reality
2600issue and realistically the odds of
2601meeting your really great woman are very
2602small they didn't vote it it involves
2603some degree of luck but as I've said
2604before our job is to put ourselves in
2605the position to get lucky think about it
2606the chance that you and a woman who
2607happened to be a great match you don't
2608know that when you first meet that takes
2609time but the the chance that you both
2610are available at the same time and that
2611you happen to both be in the same
2612location of each other and you happen to
2613bump into each other and you happen to
2614start a conversation with each other and
2615you happen to make arrangements to see
2616each other again I mean the odds of that
2617happening are indeed very small okay but
2618again is not that you have to just be
2619pure lucky to get a great woman you have
2620to put yourself in the place to get
2621lucky
2622Louis Pasteur said that luck favours to
2623prepared mind and the same thing as true
2624in dating we got to put ourselves in the
2625place of being lucky now I want to tell
2626you about a personal crisis that I
2627myself experienced a few years ago and
2628this was just a few years into my own
2629dating experience after getting divorced
2630in my late 40s I was meeting a lot of
2631good woman as the blog and women as
2632developing a lot of good dating skills
2633and I was walking through open doors and
2634even though I dated some good women none
2635of them seemed to be a great match for
2636me and all the levels that I needed in
2637fact usually the the the personal
2638quality that most often was lacking in
2639the women that
2640Mette was how available they actually
2641were to get all the way into a real
2642relationship and I started thinking man
2643maybe I just can't find her out there
2644maybe she doesn't exist or man it looked
2645like all the great women that I saw were
2646already taken so I understand if you
2647think that way now about this time I
2648also realized I was kind of being
2649emotionally focused or obsessive on all
2650the ways that the important people in my
2651life had let me down over time or all
2652the ways they had loved me and
2653adequately whether it was my mother or
2654my father or either of my two wives my
2655ex-wives or women I dated it just seemed
2656like man none of them had ever loved me
2657completely or in a very full way and I
2658was getting kind of down and and
2659pessimistic and even though my dating
2660skills were improving they didn't seem
2661to be bringing me a really great match
2662or a really great woman well I think
2663when I was about to give up and and just
2664fine I won't date anymore I won't worry
2665about it just give up on finding a
2666really great woman I actually did two
2667things two practices one is I started
2668what I call now an abundance love
2669practice and in this one instead of
2670focusing on how people had loved me in
2671adequately I started focusing on how
2672every person in my life had blessed me
2673in the way that they loved me whether it
2674was my father teaching me to play sports
2675and giving me a love of reading and a
2676love of history whether it was my mother
2677teaching me to cook and clean and sew
2678and take care of myself and communicate
2679whether is my first wife teaching me how
2680to be generous and and giving and
2681affectionate or my second wife
2682challenged me to grow from my nice guy
2683syndrome and actually write a book and
2684this began to change my thinking so
2685again being grateful for the ways these
2686people had loved me begin to open me up
2687to the love that I had received and
2688therefore the love that was out there
2689for me to receive and then a second
2690practice that I started around the same
2691time was to reframe and redirect my
2692thinking instead of thinking well I'm
2693just not gonna find a really great
2694I started telling myself the following
2695over the next 30 days I will meet three
2696women who are looking for me who are
2697available and have the potential to be a
2698really great match now that was kind of
2699a rolling 30 day so I just kept
2700repeating that to myself
2701day after day over the next 30 days I
2702will meet three really great women who
2703are available and who are looking for me
2704now can you see how that changed my
2705thinking and my mindset and by changing
2706my thinking in my mindset from that I
2707had to decide what I needed to do to
2708make sure I was ready if I met one of
2709these really great women or when I met
2710one of these really great women so I had
2711to keep working on creating what I call
2712my great cake my great life I had to be
2713living a great life
2714and I had to honestly look at how I had
2715to get out of my own way what was I
2716doing that was getting in the way of me
2717meeting these three really great women
2718they're gonna have cross my way was i
2719spending too much time at home was i not
2720paying attention to the signals women
2721sent me was I just not talking to people
2722when I was I had to look at what I had
2723to do to get out of my way and actually
2724thinking negatively was one of the
2725things I had to stop doing to get out of
2726my own way so these two processes kept
2727me open receptive positive and kept me
2728living the kind of great life that would
2729both put me out in public where I had a
2730greater chance of meeting great women
2731and put me in a better place of
2732attracting the ones I did meet so keep
2733playing with the idea that you were
2734truly blessed focus on what you have not
2735on what you don't focus on how people
2736have loved you and how they've blessed
2737you and see how that changes the scenery
2738and then try try the other mental
2739exercises that I suggested and by the
2740way I'm currently dating been dating her
2741for a year at the recording this podcast
2742an amazing woman who sold me shoes at
2743Nordstrom almost a year ago actually
2744last weekend all right another thing
2745that gets in the way and contributes to
2746our deprivation thinking is our
2747misunderstanding of what turns
2748on truth is men don't understand women
2749we think that they think like we do and
2750that they we think they are attracted to
2751what we're attracted to but that's wrong
2752we think they want the most attractive
2753guy who can converse with them as easily
2754as their girlfriends but this is wrong
2755what I tell men is the one thing I know
2756for sure about women is that they are
2757security seeking creatures most women
2758want a man who makes them feel good and
2759feel safe and it's men with confidence
2760that do this now the good news is you
2761don't have to feel confident to come
2762across as confident and I often tell
2763guys if you approach a woman with
2764confidence it will activate the exact
2765same chemicals in her brain that you
2766would experience if she lifted her shirt
2767and showed you her tits that's how
2768powerful this is
2769now this doesn't work if you avoid women
2770or walk the planet convinced that women
2771aren't attracted to you you have no
2772confidence if you're walking around with
2773this deprivation view of the world so an
2774abundance practice actually gives you
2775the look of a man with confidence what
2776if you saw yourself as a rare commodity
2777the confident interesting man that had
2778truly evolved woman desires now that
2779that seems like that's gonna make you
2780more confident and appear more confident
2781than walking around thinking I'm a loser
2782I don't have anything interesting to say
2783what woman would want me now think about
2784it women are wired to crave
2785relationships they want a boyfriend they
2786want a husband why not use this
2787knowledge to your advantage figure out
2788how to make a woman feel emotionally
2789safe and you will have status beyond
2790your imagination once you understand
2791what biologically turns women on it's
2792like holding cheese in front of a dog
2793you can literally make them dance
2794another thing that contributes to our
2795deprivation view of the world is our
2796unwillingness to risk and challenge
2797ourselves to be successful and get what
2798you want in life you have to walk
2799through the open doors you have to do
2800what it takes to create a full and
2801interesting life and then invite a
2802really great woman to be the
2803icing on the cake of that really great
2804life no woman can be the cake or even a
2805key ingredient in that cake and no woman
2806wants to be so stop expecting a woman to
2807fill you up get out of your house and
2808start challenging yourself if you sit at
2809home surfing the internet watching TV or
2810playing World of Warcraft because you
2811aren't willing to challenge yourself in
2812life then stop complaining about life
2813being unfair and that all the good woman
2814are taken start living in your challenge
2815zone and use the tools you have for
2816creating a great life and then attract
2817women to that life now another thing
2818that contributes to our deprivation view
2819especially when it comes to women is the
2820status we give attractive women I've
2821already talked a little bit about how
2822immature that is now again it's normal
2823to be attracted to physically attractive
2824women but the obsession our culture has
2825with attractive women does nothing but
2826give some women as few women a false
2827sense of value and it tends to just make
2828men nervous around these women we turn
2829them into sexual celebrities and
2830everybody's nervous around celebrities
2831so what if you took your attention off
2832attractive women and quit giving them
2833status what if you start talking with
2834with all women without attachment and
2835practice your skills find out what's
2836beneath the skin of a woman it might
2837change your belief about the value of
2838attractive women
2839and to make you less anxious around
2840women in general now another problem
2841that contributes to our deprivation view
2842of the world is that many guys I work
2843with get easily distracted most bad
2844daters don't see abundance because they
2845get distracted by too many other things
2846anxiety distracts them from seeing
2847what's right in front of them sitting
2848around the house playing video games
2849distracts them from having a life
2850getting caught up in negative thinking
2851and deprivation blinds them to
2852opportunity now I tell guys miracles
2853happen around people so unless you got a
2854living room filled with people you're
2855not gonna have many miracles in your
2856life and therefore you're gonna keep
2857feeling deprived to get out of the house
2858interact with people and be open to
2859seeing the abundance in places that
2860you're not expecting it
2861then perhaps one of the biggest thing
2862that contributes to our deprivation view
2863of the world as adults when it comes to
2864women sex and love and relationship is
2865our failure to walk through the doors
2866that open up in front of us now most of
2867the men I talk to report having had
2868opportunities to talk to women get phone
2869numbers get laid but nothing happened
2870because they didn't do anything the man
2871didn't walk through the door when it was
2872wide open right in front of him now this
2873might be because of anxiety or might
2874because of the opportunity contradicts
2875their deeply held view of themselves in
2876the world they they either don't see the
2877goodies in front of them or they're so
2878uncomfortable with them that they walk
2879right past the open door
2880now this perpetuates the belief that
2881nothing ever happens or that women
2882aren't interested in them it's not true
2883but by not walking through open doors it
2884seems to be that nothing ever happens so
2885stop complaining about lack of
2886opportunity and start taking advantage
2887of the opportunity you have commit
2888yourself to every day to get up and do
2889something that scares you and then walk
2890through an open door success builds
2891success and soon you'll see opportunity
2892everywhere so here's my suggestions for
2893developing the abundance thinking and
2894the gratitude that you need and applying
2895it to love and sex develop the daily
2896daily gratitude practices that I've
2897talked about in these two podcasts do
2898this regularly change your old habits
2899see everything is a gift especially in
2900terms of things that seem hard or make
2901you struggle and then as I've said in
2902every single one of these podcasts get
2903out of the house expand your route
2904linger in public talk to the people you
2905meet test for interest and walk through
2906open doors because that's how we make
2907miracles
2908[Music]
2909thank you for listening to dr. Glover's
2910dating essentials for men Q&A; podcast
2911for complete list of all dr. Glover's
2912Q&A; podcasts please visit dr. Glover com
2913[Music]
2914you
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2933
2934hi this is dr. Robert Glover and this is
2935the middle-management the nice guys
2936don't finish last middle-management
29372:15 live Q&A; this is our second Q&A; for
2938this particular class and I don't know
2939about you if you were in this class if
2940you're live with me right now or if
2941you're listening after the fact man it
2942seems like this class took a while
2943didn't it wasn't so much it it drug on
2944but we did take a one-week break because
2945some of you requested we take a break
2946and seemed like everybody was on board
2947of that suggestion so it kind of
2948stretched it out a little bit so I'm
2949really excited that we've got so many
2950people who are still with us who are
2951still plugging away at it and still
2952applying the information and who were
2953with us today online for this live Q&A;
2954for those of you who are with us I
2955welcome you we have people from Down
2956Under from UK from the United States we
2957got people in all time zones and on a
2958couple different days at the same time
2959so that's always fun and those of you
2960who are listening after the fact today
2961is Saturday April 18th 2015 so if you're
2962in the middle management 215 course I
2963hope you will get a lot out of this
2964listening to it after the fact and if
2965you're listening to this two years from
2966now or five years or maybe twenty-five
2967years from now who knows hope you also
2968get a lot out of this as well so we're
2969gonna go ahead and get started we'll
2970probably spend about an hour or so we
2971have several people online that can ask
2972questions I've also got an email
2973question that was sent in to me and that
2974person also is online with us so that
2975will make that easier to make sure I do
2976a good job answering his questions and
2977so for those of you who are online
2978either on your phone or on your computer
2979if you want to just shout out your name
2980once we get started I'll let me call on
2981you then I'll ask you where you're from
2982and then I'll ask you what your question
2983is and then I'll do my best to answer
2984the question and then I'll kind of check
2985back with you to make sure I got close
2986to giving you an answer that is helpful
2987and several of you've already done who
2988are with me live you put yourself on
2989mute it's real quiet
2990I like that gives us a good recording
2991and if you don't have a microphone as we
2992already talked about you can type a
2993question into the chat box that's at the
2994bottom of your GoToMeeting control panel
2995so with all that said let's go and get
2996started who would like to just shout out
2997their first name and we'll get started
2998with the first question somebody be
2999brave and shout your name out and if
3000you've muted yourself be sure and unmute
3001yourself so you can shout your question
3002out I think while I'll go ahead and do
3003is I do have a question or two in the
3004chat so I'll go ahead and take one of
3005those let the rest of you build up your
3006nerve to shout out a question so this is
3007take a question from Dave and I haven't
3008already read it I just noticed it was
3009there so let me read over it and see
3010what Dave is asking he says my question
3011is about avoiding disapproval and what I
3012do is avoid having bad things happen I
3013would much rather be seeking actually my
3014things keep scrolling as I'm trying to
3015read actually excuse me for that I'd
3016rather be seeking and working to achieve
3017goals but I procrastinate wait until the
3018last minute really get behind in a state
3019where I have to do it
3020adrenaline rush and then do it like the
3021progress Center procrastinator who says
3022I do my best work that way but I'd like
3023to move to goal seeking directing myself
3024on my own but as as one crisis ends I
3025still go back to avoiding not rocking
3026the boat instead of creating a new
3027direction I want to move in the whole
3028thing of being reactive and realizing
3029what I really need is to be more
3030proactive okay thanks for the question
3031and I actually hear two questions in
3032there so
3033kind of make a note to myself and an
3034answer see if I hit on both questions
3035one is I'm going to call it the
3036procrastination question and the other
3037one I'm going to call the the inside out
3038please your self motivating question and
3039I'll address both of them and see if
3040again if I get close to to providing you
3041with information you need first of all
3042procrastination part I many of you have
3043heard me say this I may have said it in
3044the last Q&A; I would say that the top
3045three problems that nice guys have that
3046I work with usually involved three P's
3047porn procrastination and passion and
3048those are the three things I hear guys
3049talk about the most so you're not alone
3050if you tend to procrastinate and I think
3051it can be due to a number of things one
3052we are just all so friggin busy we have
3053so many things going on in our lives
3054I find myself procrastinating more often
3055than not I procrastinate around two
3056areas all right when two things are
3057going on one I either have too much
3058going on my plates too full my mind gets
3059overwhelmed all I can imagine is all the
3060things I have to do my to-do list is so
3061long and every time I think about doing
3062anything on the to-do list or diving
3063into one of the projects it needs done
3064my brain kind of just freaks me out
3065overwhelms myself and finds other more
3066seemingly important things to do but
3067often not they're not the things that
3068really need to get done now and what
3069happens is the more that builds the more
3070things kind of keep coming on that pile
3071that I keep procrastinating on so some
3072things I've learned to do to help me
3073with my procrastination is number one I
3074have to periodically clean my plate off
3075sometimes I have to go back and tell
3076people no or say I can't work on it now
3077get to it later sometimes it's just
3078practicing saying no for a while
3079removing some things from the to-do list
3080for a little while deciding what my
3081highest priorities are
3082then I try to just pick one and and dive
3083into it do something on it and the two
3084things I always tell myself because this
3085is what actually gets in my way is my
3086brain is thinking I have to do
3087everything this on the list now and I
3088have to do everything perfectly so I try
3089to break it down I try to tell myself no
3090I don't have to do everything right now
3091and I don't have to do any of this
3092perfectly I just need to get started I
3093just need to go do something and I find
3094that when I'll break it down like that
3095in my mind and when I've kind of paired
3096my list back and decided what's most
3097important
3098I can then often dive in and then get on
3099a roll maybe you've had that same
3100experience so my three suggestions are
3101actually combination to one of them
3102clear your plate try to eliminate having
3103so much stuff going on in your life say
3104no to people when you say to need to say
3105no prioritize work on one or two major
3106projects at the time I can't handle more
3107than that but when I get more than that
3108on my list I don't do anything and then
3109as I said when you notice you're getting
3110behind you've been putting some things
3111off break it down tell yourself you
3112don't have to do it all you don't have
3113to do it perfectly you just have to go
3114do something and it's probably you know
3115sometimes if you just start and just do
3116something it's it's not the big problem
3117that you thought is going to be you get
3118it focused on it and then often you just
3119get it done you hammer it out and you
3120move on now another issue reading your
3121question it sounds like it could be
3122poster child ad D you even mentioned the
3123adrenaline kicking in and as you guys
3124maybe heard me talk about when guys
3125especially kind of like my Microsoft
3126geeks used to tell me oh I do my best
3127work on your pressure and I try to
3128convince them that all research shows we
3129don't work best under stress or pressure
3130until finally I realized they were
3131telling me the truth that they had a
3132didi and that the way they treat a didi
3133with pharmaceuticals is by giving you a
3134stimulant and so for a lot of people
3135being under pressure where they have a
3136deadline where they got to do it now got
3137to pull the all-nighter or whatever
3138usually what happens they start drinking
3139a bunch of coffee or a bowl or some
3140other kind of quote energy drink I'm not
3141sure where they call them that and the
3142adrenaline the cortisol that is flooding
3143your brain helps you focus and it helps
3144you get things done so if you think you
3145might possibly have a TD that this
3146applies to you go online do a little bit
3147of research but nothing else go to my
3148website and go look at dawn Baker's
3149class back from distraction he has a lot
3150of material just on the landing page for
3151the class plus a little inventory you
3152can take to see if possible you have a
3153didi so I would check into that as well
3154to see if that's partly was getting in
3155your way with your procrastination and
3156there are things you can do to start
3157managing the year if you do have a didi
3158to start managing your brain wiring more
3159effectively because people have a DD and
3160by the way there's there's lots of
3161different kinds of a DD lots of
3162different manifestations
3163I think dr. Ayman says there's like six
3164or seven different manifestations of a
3165DD so not everybody's the same and most
3166adult males does not involve
3167hyperactivity
3168but it often does involve being able to
3169start things follow through on things
3170and get things done
3171stay focused while you're in them so do
3172check that out now the other question
3173that you mentioned about disapproval and
3174avoiding disapproval and being
3175goal-oriented I'm not a big fan of goals
3176i I think goals are what I call outside
3177in type behaviors and if we're needing
3178to use goals to motivate us I'm not sure
3179we're acting consistently with our
3180deepest intention and desire and passion
3181if you're passionate you don't have to
3182have goals I just don't need them when
3183I'm passionate about something I can't
3184wait to get to it I can't wait to work
3185on it I hate to quit working on it I
3186hate to leave it and you don't need
3187goals you're gonna kick ass if you're
3188operating from your deepest desire your
3189deepest intention and your deepest
3190passion most goals that I found either
3191come because we're having a harder time
3192motivating ourselves and they can be
3193effective for getting us started like if
3194you're really wanting to maybe lose some
3195weight or you know start an exercise
3196program sometimes some initial goals
3197will help you get started
3198once you get started the passion kicks
3199in so I think they can be helpful
3200initially but I've never understood for
3201example sales departments in
3202corporations and businesses they give
3203all these goals and agendas and and
3204temping of what the term is that they
3205use in sales departments but you got to
3206get a quotas yeah you're going to meet
3207this and I'm thinking what the hell you
3208have a salesman who works on Commission
3209and you still have to create unrealistic
3210quotas and agendas just to get him to
3211out selling maybe he's not a very good
3212salesman or not particularly self
3213motivating so again I don't like those
3214external outside in somebody else's
3215saying here's what you shouldn't be
3216accomplishing type things so there's not
3217just like a quick easy here's the answer
3218to it but yes as long as you're seeking
3219everybody else's approval trying to
3220avoid rocking the boat trying to do it
3221right trying to you know not upset mom
3222dad family culture church whatever
3223you're not going to follow your deepest
3224desire and intention for example I most
3225of you know I live over half a year down
3226in fortify our to Mexico I first time I
3227came here I fell in love and I knew I
3228had to get back here often
3229and every time I went back to Seattle I
3230was depressed so I knew this was deeply
3231important to me so over a period about
3232eight to ten years I completely revamped
3233my business and now it's totally online
3234so I can work down here back today just
3235a guy across from the hall that just
3236bought the the condo across from the
3237hole that I rent he was leaving today
3238and and I said when you're coming back
3239and he said November he was only down
3240here for a week and he said must be nice
3241when you can live down here for six
3242months and I said well it is and I said
3243but I worked really hard to make that a
3244possibility and I work hard every day to
3245make it a possibility but it doesn't
3246feel like work because I love being here
3247and I love doing what I do so if you're
3248having struggle to motivate yourself and
3249you're having to use goals and agendas
3250and quotas you may need to just step
3251back and ask yourself what do I really
3252want what is really most important to me
3253what am i Noreen or what are my
3254self-limiting beliefs
3255telling me that I can't ever achieve or
3256what are these voices in my head say you
3257can't do that you can't make money at it
3258or what were your parents think or you
3259already have a degree in something else
3260you look like a loser just pay attention
3261to that and then ask yourself what would
3262really make you most happy in life and
3263then entertain the idea of how to put
3264that into play
3265so there's hopefully I hit on both the
3266procrastination and the approval and
3267using coming from an inside out kind of
3268place instead of outside in so Dave you
3269asked me that question on the chat box
3270so if you want to just type into the
3271chat box if I got close to hitting on
3272answering your question
3273marvelous also wrote in I had the same
3274issue as Dave and then there's also not
3275is this this Dave this Dave yeah yeah I
3276think you hit on it I think the idea of
3277pursuing a passion as opposed to
3278reaching goals hits home and also with
3279doing my best work under pressure I
3280think that I went I think when somebody
3281says that they perhaps don't do their
3282best work under pressure I think for me
3283it's that's the best way for it for me
3284to get the work done
3285yes add myself under pressure I'm not
3286getting best results if I took a longer
3287time but it that's the way I get
3288motivated or get to do it yeah and that
3289makes perfect sense cuz cuz yeah maybe
3290you're not doing your best work but at
3291least you're actually doing something
3292and you can check it off and turn it in
3293and say whew I got it done whoo I must
3294do my best work on your pressure so yeah
3295I'd say check into the ATD stuff if you
3296haven't already and I'm gonna give you a
3297suggestion when we're done with the Q&A;
3298go lay down in a quiet place and and
3299just kind of get comfortable and just
3300breathe a little bit and then
3301ask yourself if if I was living my ideal
3302life where would I be living what would
3303I be doing who would I be with and just
3304visualize what that would look like and
3305pay attention if your mind starts trying
3306to talk you out of it or saying that's
3307crazy or that silly or you can't live
3308the fantasy just entertain the fantasy
3309let it be there and whether or not that
3310is the route you need to pursue isn't
3311even relevant it just gets you used to
3312the idea that you can visualize living
3313your ideal life and actually being
3314taking action on that putting that
3315intention into action instead of doing
3316what most of us do would just kind of go
3317whatever direction life pulls us and
3318taking whatever job we get offered or
3319moving wherever that company happens to
3320be so play with that just just spend you
3321know 10 minutes and just visualize what
3322your ideal world looks like and then ask
3323yourself what can I do to start moving
3324myself in the direction of at least one
3325aspect of that dream of that fantasy of
3326that vision and play with it have fun
3327with it okay good Thanks all right thank
3328you Dave thanks for asking the question
3329and I see somebody else on the chat box
3330asked it in about three different little
3331installments so let me let me see go
3332ahead and read that and this is Mark in
3333Belfast he says I was interested in a
3334podcast I listened to it yourself and
3335Roger makes about anxiety and how it
3336made yourself numb and how I feel and
3337work some of the times I've locked down
3338my emotion so much that I can't connect
3339with my work colleagues how do I
3340overcome that feeling that doesn't give
3341me a lot to go on but I'm just going to
3342kind of put some general stuff out about
3343that one of the things I found is that
3344nice guys often do have a lid on their
3345feelings
3346and we're a lot better being in our
3347heads than we are at being in the
3348feeling start state of our mind I know
3349some people like to call that being in
3350your heart that's not my favorite
3351terminology for it but maybe that'll
3352strike home
3353well I've in my view of working with
3354nice guys I think this could be two
3355different reasons one is that a number
3356of the men that I work with have what I
3357call a male wired brain they're their
3358brain is genetically wired to be towards
3359the end of it I'll call it the male
3360spectrum of things is the female and the
3361female female brain is very feeling it's
3362very emotive very intuitive very about
3363connecting and seeing a broad picture
3364the male brain by the way is wired is
3365very into ones and zeros and connecting
3366the dots and tends to lead men into
3367fields like engineering and tech stuff
3368and programming and science and so by
3369nature a lot of men's brains are not
3370naturally feeling oriented not naturally
3371emotional rated much more thinking
3372oriented we see a problem and we start
3373figuring out how to solve that problem
3374now this may just be partly how our
3375brains wired now one of the things that
3376I do in working with men whose brains
3377are quite a bit down the end towards the
3378male spectrum and if we get at the far
3379end I would say that's Asperger's these
3380are people people's brains who can't
3381connect with people at all have very
3382little emotion other than frustration
3383like repetitive behavior don't like
3384change kind of more towards a little bit
3385towards the middle is Asperger's which
3386is functioning autism and these people
3387can function hold jobs I know people
3388have worked with Bill Gates they said
3389he's Asperger's but he's done all right
3390for himself but they they're not really
3391in tuned with emotion if you watch Big
3392Bang Theory think of Sheldon and you
3393know he has to have someone hold up a
3394sign if they're using sarcasm he doesn't
3395get the emotional aspect
3396Thanks he's that's that's Asperger's
3397kind of next to that would be more of
3398the engineering techie brain that's good
3399at lining up ones and zeros but not
3400really good at reading facial expression
3401verbal cues or being intuitive to
3402people's emotional states so it could be
3403that you fit somewhere in that category
3404now we we can do things to help you
3405expand your emotional intelligence like
3406if I was working with somebody say a
3407woman that a very female brain and
3408everything she did she was reacting with
3409emotions I could help her to expand her
3410emotional intelligence by learning to
3411slow down use a rational brain a little
3412more often maybe talk things out with
3413people before she acted and and and to
3414learn to soothe herself every time she
3415reacted emotionally well working with a
3416guy on with has a very one-zero
3417masculine brain I can work with him on
3418learning how to connect with people how
3419to have conversation how to connect with
3420his feeling how to own them how to
3421express it how to be aware of it so
3422these are things that we can do so that
3423could be one issue it could be that your
3424brain is just primarily wired to be more
3425of a thinking brain than a feeling or
3426moding brain oh Marcos had just posted
3427he said yes that's my brain and then he
3428said I was recently asked if I'd been
3429tested for Asperger's okay I don't even
3430know you but I've worked with enough
3431guys that if you're down at that end of
3432the spectrum and I don't know where
3433really it begins and ends in terms of
3434Asperger's functioning or non
3435functioning but it could be that other
3436people have seen that you're much more
3437wired to be in your thinking part of
3438your brain than your feeling part of
3439your brain so that could be part of it
3440and again there are ways for example
3441young children if they're diagnosed as
3442Asperger's around 2 or 3 years old there
3443there's programs to help them learn to
3444get more in touch with their emotional
3445side now part of my theory is of partly
3446what contributes to the masculine brain
3447Asperger's is certainly not vaccination
3448so let's just throw that one out but I
3449believe that part
3450they I don't know if this is the whole
3451picture but the male brain tends to have
3452a much thinner corpus callosum and
3453that's a part of the brain is the white
3454matter with all the nerve endings that
3455connect the right side of the brain to
3456the left hemisphere of the brain in
3457women that is much thicker in other
3458words they've got a lot more lines of
3459communication between their analytical
3460brain and their emotional brain I'm
3461simplifying it quite a bit but in men if
3462we don't have near as many connectors
3463between the right and left side
3464we don't integrate well those two parts
3465of our brain and for some people they
3466just live quite a bit in their thinking
3467part of their brain and again there are
3468things that can be done to help
3469integrate that now kind of answer the
3470other part of the question is nice
3471guides that kind of disconnected from
3472feelings that was me and that is true
3473for a lot of nice guys in that for a lot
3474of us when we were young children
3475something happened that made us believe
3476would be a good idea to put a lid on our
3477feelings either if we had strong
3478feelings we got scolded or we got
3479punished or we got shamed for being
3480excitable or being passionate or having
3481fantasies or being affectionate if we
3482received messages either directly or
3483indirectly that we internalize that it
3484wasn't good for us to have those
3485emotions we often started putting a lid
3486on that we kind of you know crank that
3487down and kept it inside now in my mind
3488that often is a primary cause of
3489depression is that we would just repress
3490and hold all that back rather than
3491knowing is okay to be whoever we are in
3492whatever emotional state
3493so sometimes we received messages maybe
3494they weren't direct maybe they were
3495indirect but we interpret them that it
3496wasn't good for us to have these strong
3497emotional states more often than not I
3498think this is more of what happened with
3499me is that I saw my father who was could
3500be very angry very critical very
3501demeaning very bitter and I decided I
3502didn't want to be like that so I tried
3503not to be like those people that were
3504either out of control emotionally or
3505were there
3506Russians were destructive or hurtful to
3507other people but again if we're
3508disconnected from our emotional side I
3509think it disconnects us from our passion
3510from our deepest intention from our
3511ability to go out and live a life that
3512feels fulfilling and satisfying to
3513ourselves now for me I started working
3514on my repressed feelings in a few
3515different areas I was going to some
351612-step groups when I first started to
3517work on what I now call my nice-guy
3518issues I've been in some different men's
3519groups where I would practice having my
3520feelings and often when I first started
3521kind of having giving myself permission
3522to have feelings they came out quite
3523awkwardly sometimes they came out as
3524attacking or in condescending ways and
3525luckily I was with a therapist and a
3526group of people that we could process
3527that and and really what it was I was I
3528was kinda like having to learn a brand
3529new skill that I wasn't any good at and
3530it's kind of like maybe trying to learn
3531to play golf from the first few times
3532first 10,000 times you swing a golf club
3533you're not going to do it real well and
3534and that was true for me as well and and
3535that's one of the reasons why I really
3536like men's groups and I've led a lot of
3537men's groups at one time I was doing
3538five men's groups a week because men can
3539come there and actually start getting
3540connected with their feelings by being
3541in a social context and we can process
3542them you know people get comfortable
3543with them not feel shame about them
3544learn how to express them in productive
3545constructive ways and whereas if I'm
3546doing one-on-one therapy with guys it's
3547so easy for us both to just get into our
3548brains and just kind of get analytical
3549about so I like men's groups a lot
3550so that's a great way to go start
3551working on how to connect with your
3552feeling States and so I hope that was
3553helpful to you and I already seen more
3554um more questions coming up in the chat
3555box and this is maybe related to it
3556marvelous said is it possible that we
3557suppress our feelings as well as our
3558memories sometimes and and I expect that
3559is very possible
3560whatever makes us feel uncomfortable
3561we will often repress it and again that
3562is where I found that either therapy
356312-step group men's group a good friend
3564a minister a mentor a coach somebody
3565that feels safe and I talked about this
3566in no more mr. nice guy don't try to do
3567this alone
3568go find safe people to practice being
3569real to talk about things that make you
3570uncomfortable to reveal the sides of you
3571your dark side your repressed memories
3572your your emotions your your fantasies
3573your wants go go find a safe person to
3574start revealing that too until you can
3575integrate it into your whole for nothing
3576about you like I often say is hidden or
3577half-assed and life's a lot better when
3578you're not hiding anything and when
3579you're not doing things half-ass so yes
3580do go find some support systems to
3581practice just putting all of you out
3582there with no reservation and without
3583holding back okay there's another
3584question online I have a question
3585printed out is anybody live that wants
3586to shout out their name and I'll take a
3587question that way and I see it right in
3588front of me I can read it out loud you
3589want me to do that and then I check back
3590with you and see if I'm getting close
3591for you okay
3592let's do that then so Stan the man
3593here's his question
3594I found the exercise where you think
3595about your ideal life to be terrifying
3596what I would really like to do is make
3597my own mobile apps but I will wife and
3598three kids to support I have a good
3599software development skills but have
3600never made mobile apps so there would be
3601a big learning curve I don't have much
3602free time because the kids are young so
3603I would have to quit my job it would
3604take many months of full-time work to
3605get started and would cost about 10,000
3606per month with no guarantee of success
3607I might take many it might take many
3608attempts before any app became
3609profitable how do I get myself to take
3610such a big risk and how do I stick with
3611it when success doesn't come immediately
3612okay good question improv
3613this is a good illustration of what
3614happens to so many of us when we do have
3615an idea a passion something that that we
3616think would be really cool to do is it
3617our brain completely talks us
3618out of it and reading over your post
3619you've already talked yourself out of it
3620I'm I'm thinking hey there's no way in
3621hell you can do it you might as well
3622give it up now you convinced me of how
3623impossible it is to do it okay remember
3624when I was talking about procrastination
3625earlier and I talked about breaking it
3626down and you don't have to do it all and
3627you don't have to do it perfectly you've
3628convinced yourself the only way you can
3629write an app with three kids is to quit
3630your job or if you don't put your job
3631you can't do because you have three kids
3632and in my experience people want to get
3633done because they feel strongly
3634about it
3635go get it done no matter what their
3636circumstances if that means they they
3637stay up an extra hour at night or get up
3638an extra hour and the early in the
3639morning to work on it what it means they
3640change their job to a part-time job or
3641whatever they get it done somebody asked
3642I posted on the middle management page a
3643satirical article from the onion that's
3644in sidebar somewhere on the middle
3645management page and I'm paraphrasing the
3646title but it says something take what
3647you love and find a way to do it on
3648evenings or weekends the rest of your
3649life and that's the teracle that's a
3650great way to start but if you think
3651about it why wouldn't we be doing what
3652we love every day of our life why won't
3653we find a way to do that so here's my
3654suggestion instead of talking yourself
3655out of why you can't do mobile apps
3656number one you don't even know if it's
3657what you like to do but you you've
3658created the idea of might be so great
3659let's run with that and I'm going to
3660suggest that instead of telling yourself
3661all the ways you can't do it every time
3662those little voices come up and this is
3663good exercise because it probably this
3664isn't the only area in your life that
3665you do this if start asking yourself
3666okay how can I do it how can I get
3667started
3668and bald your wife in it involve your
3669kids in it not so much your kids are
3670going to help you write the apps but
3671tell them about your dream so that you
3672get these people on board with you
3673because I know for example when I was
3674writing no more mr. nice guy
3675it took me about seven years to write it
3676I was working full time I actually was
3677raising three kids they were more
3678pre-adolescent to teenagers during the
3679time I was writing it and I know
3680especially my stepson was really you
3681know in favor of me writing the book
3682remember he's found fifteen sixteen
3683years old and he'd say poppy get that
3684book finished dad you need to get that
3685book going you need to flip that up and
3686I knew it he would get on my case about
3687when was I gonna you know finish writing
3688the book and I saw one of things I did
3689is I made a commitment to myself I would
3690finish the book before my son's
3691graduated from high school they were
3692both six months apart and so I my son
3693and my stepson and and I did finished it
3694up before they graduated from high
3695school because I knew it was important
3696to them to see me follow through on a
3697passion I knew it would help them learn
3698to do the same thing as well so I knew
3699it was important that they be involved
3700in the process of me following my
3701passion so I encourage you to do that
3702bring your wife into it bring your kids
3703bring family members into not just to
3704talk about it but to say this is what I
3705want to do and I want to brainstorm with
3706you how I can find time and commit
3707myself even just an hour a day now for
3708me when I'm writing my book I set aside
3709one daily and that one day a week was my
3710writing day and because I find I do best
3711about big blocks of time not a bunch of
3712little blocks so Wednesday was my
3713writing time so even if it means you
3714spent half a day on Saturday or half a
3715day on Sunday maybe maybe get up early
3716Saturday morning get up Sunday morning
3717when everybody else is sleeping and find
3718a way to focus on it and don't let
3719anything get in the way and listen to
3720the voices in your head they start
3721getting negative with you oh this will
3722never work
3723no but whatever be interested in this
3724nobody's ever gonna want to buy it and
3725and the truth is I a guy who develops
3726apps came to one of my work
3727jobs here down in import emeritus of the
3728months ago and he's developed successful
3729apps and he says one is all you need to
3730make a really good living so it can be
3731done
3732I've had other clients who worked at
3733Microsoft and Amazon who they had good
3734programming skills and they just started
3735developing some games for their kids and
3736turn those into apps and so start small
3737so you know get a development package
3738learn how to the basics of it and just
3739start playing with it have fun and play
3740with it and and and and and see where it
3741goes so you see where it builds and and
3742you're right you can be amazingly
3743successful I was helping a friend of
3744mine today download whatsapp onto his
3745phone because a lot of people here in
3746Mexico use it it's a great way to
3747communicate and Facebook a few months
3748ago bought it for 19 billion with a be
374919 billion dollars because actually a
3750friend of mine literally a friend of
3751mine knows the guy who there you go you
3752got like two degrees of separation from
3753a billionaire so use that as inspiration
3754and and one of my favorite mantras in
3755fact that thought about having it
3756tattooed on my arm but I've been
3757repeating it to myself long before I
3758even finished my book but one of my
3759favorite monitors I stole it from a
3760movie can't think of the name of it but
3761had a bear in it but only was called the
3762bear but but it's what one man can do
3763another man can do what one man can do
3764another man can do and I love that
3765because of one man can write an app in a
3766spare time with three kids another man
3767can do it so repeat that mantra to
3768yourself rather than the mantra of oh I
3769need $10,000 a month to quit my job I
3770can't keep working full-time with three
3771kids and write apps clear the negative
3772crap out because this probably isn't the
3773only area in your life where that
3774negative thought talk tends to control
3775you yeah somebody wrote Anthony Hopkins
3776films and Alec Baldwin
3777what
3778some of it why is my brain frozen on
3779assistants the edge there you go the
3780edge good movies a little corny in
3781places but but a good movie you can
3782actually download a YouTube video where
3783anthony hopkins is trying to get him say
3784well one man can do I'm gonna kill the
3785bear I'm gonna kill the bear and
3786it's kind of cool it's good
3787inspirational little YouTube clip so
3788that's the edge so check it out and that
3789inspired me and I've been quoting that
3790mantra ever since what one man can do
3791another man can do and so I'm just not
3792asked to follow up because I think I'm
3793sure a lot of people are in the
3794situation when you talk about finding
3795you know a few hours a week to do it I
3796already have so many things on my to-do
3797list that I can't find a few hours to do
3798get rid of them I could get rid of them
3799have enough time for them and I feel
3800like everything I take on everything I
3801want to do is squeezing out something
3802else that I want to do well that's true
3803yes that that is the truth of life
3804whatever you take on will squeeze other
3805things out and when I was married and
3806had and was raising kids that was a high
3807priority for me and I would take on too
3808much stuff whether it be landscaping or
3809yard doing a remodel building a deck
3810trying to restore a car spend time with
3811my kids be involved in their sports take
3812him camping spend time with my wife get
3813to the gym play softball yeah there's a
3814lot of I wanted to do and I found
3815that I had to just do one major thing at
3816a time
3817and I would cut out the things that
3818weren't the highest priority try to keep
3819the things that I could whether it was
3820working out and getting the gym spending
3821time with my kids but I tell you what I
3822wrote no more mr. nice guy while being
3823self-employed raising three kids being
3824married so I wrote that in my I found
3825time to write it and yes I had to cross
3826things off my list and I had to put him
3827on hold and then even in terms of
3828building my online business I built my
3829online business while I had a full-time
3830job my full-time practice but I was I
3831was developing online courses I was
3832building the online business and I about
3833six years ago I transitioned to doing
3834happen
3835doing being in Seattle happier doing my
3836private practice and doing a half of it
3837online down here in Puerto Verta and
3838after about two years of that I totally
3839let go the private practice and now my
3840entire business is online and I make
3841more money in my online business than I
3842ever made my private practice and I get
3843to live wherever I want but I did that
3844over a period of eight to ten years
3845while I was had my full-time business
3846and I was self-employed and during that
3847time I was single so I I had to take
3848care of myself I had to make a living
3849and so what I'm gonna say is it could be
3850done your brain keeps saying oh I can't
3851do it now because I've got too many
3852other things notice that was your brain
3853with you again and telling you
3854why you can't do it and I'm gonna guess
3855your brains really good at that so I'm
3856gonna give you the assignment every time
3857you have a bright idea
3858notice how your brain starts talking you
3859out of it and maybe even jot it down and
3860go share that with somebody and tell
3861them not that this is truth but tell you
3862tell them this is what my brain is
3863telling me I call that learning to be
3864the observer of your thoughts not the
3865believer of your thoughts and right now
3866you believe all that all the stuff you
3867posted in your post here about why you
3868couldn't write apps you you believe it
3869but how about you just be the observer
3870of those thoughts and then tell yourself
3871well other people have done it in
3872similar circumstances why can't I if it
3873can be done it can be done again alright
3874thank you I think talking to people in
3875brainstorming is it a first step it is a
3876great first step but don't stop there
3877it'd be really easy to make that the end
3878of the process start doing something I'd
3879even say you know come come Monday I
3880don't know how you do this but don't you
3881download a developer's packet and so
3882download adjusted package just look at
3883it you know go online I'm sure there are
3884online schools programs on how to
3885develop apps just go research what's out
3886there and and learn how to get up to
3887speed and just play at it
3888don't don't think so much of this has
3889got to be what how you make your 19
3890billion but
3891think of it but okay I'm gonna play at
3892it and see if I like doing it just start
3893out with it like that all right thanks
3894all right go have fun with it and keep
3895us posted I'm excited for you okay
3896really I am okay okay I got a question
3897here that was emailed in this is from
3898Royce and Royce is also live with us so
3899I'm gonna read it and then if Royce
3900wants to communicate with me about it
3901that's fine and it relates a little bit
3902maybe to repressing emotion but I could
3903relate to what he wrote he said I've
3904recently become conscious of a pattern
3905of dysfunctional behavior and myself
3906however I can't quite piece together the
3907underlying paradigm or belief that it
3908stems from he continues I'm a very
3909competitive person by nature but there
3910very often I find myself scolding
3911pressuring or aggressively motivating my
3912teammates when we're losing or the
3913teammate is not given a hundred percent
3914effort think Kobe Bryant or Michael
3915Jordan I used to be like this in
3916basketball and video games but I felt
3917guilty for alienating people and
3918destroying the fun of the game for
3919others as a result I suppress my desire
3920to win but in the process I lost my
3921drive passion motivation determination
3922I became mediocre and passive my gut
3923says this was not the right way to go
3924about it
3925but I don't know what is I suppose is
3926possible to be driven and competitive
3927without the need to burn others I would
3928also like your help to identify the
3929unconscious paradigm playing in my head
3930that causes me to feel the need to be so
3931determined to win well on the second one
3932I'm going to encourage if it's really
3933important you maybe go talk to a
3934therapist because I doubt I can do that
3935in a very brief phone call is is to help
3936you determine that it may be a positive
3937thing it may not be such a positive
3938thing I but I can't relate to the
3939question and I'll give you an personal
3940antidote about it my mother came down
3941here about two weeks ago to visit and I
3942didn't realize this about my mother
3943until a couple of years ago but what I
3944realized that she is a very competitive
3945person when it comes to games and I
3946don't know that we
3947that many games are least competitive
3948games growing up in my family but my
3949mother plays a game called Mexican train
3950and involves dominoes and you play
3951against other people an idea is there's
3952these ways that you stack the dominoes
3953on the table to get rid of all your
3954dominoes and then person get rid of the
3955dominoes
3956you know wins that hand everybody else
3957has to add up how many dominoes are in
3958there in their hand my mother goes in
3959plays with some neighbors every Tuesday
3960night and and she's a very religious
3961person she goes to church probably twice
3962a week she would miss church before she
3963would miss her Mexican train night she
3964is that committed and dedicated to it
3965well she came down here a couple years
3966ago and brought her dominoes and we
3967played some and I realized she probably
3968wasn't the best winner or the best loser
3969he's pretty competitive I think she
3970tried to mask it best she could but then
3971when she brought her dominoes down here
3972this year and a friend that came with
3973her and and my girlfriend a night Jerry
3974Jerry was here and two or three
3975different times we played one day we
3976said we spent eight hours playing
3977Mexican train just sitting at a
3978bed-and-breakfast on a great day it had
3979a good time and drink margaritas and
3980played Mexican train and had fun well it
3981was really easy to see how controlling
3982my mother was and how how determined to
3983when she was and I was a scorekeeper and
3984when it was all done we'd played so many
3985games I couldn't add all the scores I
3986mean so I'll take this home and add him
3987up later well the very first question
3988she asked me the next morning was did
3989you add the scores up and I know she won
3990I know she probably had the best score
3991by far of the four of us and I said no
3992mom there was just so many numbers on
3993there I was too tired I didn't add him
3994up and I could tell by the look on her
3995face she wanted to know the score and
3996she's like 79 he's gonna be 80 next
3997month and I was like you know I could
3998just see the look in her eyes that she
3999was pissed and because I didn't have the
4000scores up to show that she had won and I
4001was talking Jerry - Jerry on the phone
4002yesterday and Jerry's actually back in
4003Seattle now just went home a couple days
4004ago and apparently my mother sent her a
4005chitchat email they get along real well
4006and Jerry says by the way do you still
4007have that paper with the scores on it
4008because your mother mentioned it in her
4009email to me and we both just laughed
4010because probably my mother still wants
4011to know who won that game a Mexican
4012Train played out over 8 hours so I'm
4013gonna go find the paper and add it up
4014and make her happy but while we played I
4015I would say you know we taught our kids
4016to play cards and dominoes and as one of
4017the things I loved doing when I had
4018young kids and even the teenagers and
4019they became adults they still loved to
4020play games and cards and they and they
4021tend to take it pretty seriously and not
4022so much that they got a win but but they
4023pay attention and they know what's going
4024on and I think to answer your question
4025that was always the thing that bugged me
4026the most not so much playing with my
4027kids sometimes they were so young they
4028had short attention span and they had to
4029have cereal boxes on the table so they
4030could lay their cards flat out on the
4031table so they could because their hands
4032are too small to hold their cards but
4033even it's like four or five six years
4034old I mean they were into playing but
4035when we would have friends come play
4036with us and have parties and stuff what
4037would really bug me is not people that
4038didn't play well or didn't play great
4039but people who didn't pay attention who
4040either made really callous or stupid
4041errors because they weren't paying
4042attention they're yakking or he had to
4043tell them every time it's your turn sure
4044go and and sometimes where they would
4045just like you know in their brain mull
4046over things and you know it couldn't
4047play in a timely way and I was known
4048more than once to say something along
4049the lines come on it's not rocket
4050science just play and and I my family
4051used to tease me about how many people I
4052made cry over playing spades
4053so what I realized I had to back that
4054off a little bit that I couldn't be an
4055ass the people I was playing with
4056especially if they were on my team but
4057what I also realized that it wasn't so
4058much a competitive side of me that I
4059wanted to win but I did want to play
4060well if I was going to play the game I
4061wanted to play it with consciousness and
4062played to the best of my ability and
4063whoever won won I didn't care I really
4064never really cared who won the game but
4065I did care if people paid played badly
4066because they weren't paying attention or
4067just were slow or you always had to
4068remind him as their turn and that's what
4069would bring out kind of that sarcastic
4070side of me of you know kind of prodding
4071them to get their head back in the game
4072so here's the thing I think you can be
4073competitive that's fine if your
4074competitiveness is not hurtful to other
4075people I think you do have to ask
4076yourself why would your competitiveness
4077hurt other people because like for
4078example when I go play racquetball in
4079the in years past with my buddies it was
4080a good way for me to work on my nice guy
4081issues because there would be a part of
4082me that would hold back a little bit if
4083I thought you know maybe I was playing
4084at somebody that's better than them or I
4085didn't want hurt their feelings and so I
4086worked on that to where when I was on
4087the racquetball court I played to the
4088fullest of my ability I didn't hold
4089anything back and but I also watched I
4090didn't go to the other extreme of either
4091getting dirty or being overly aggressive
4092or you know taking the fun out of the
4093game as well I think there is a sweet
4094spot in there bringing your a-game
4095playing with all of your consciousness
4096and attention and an inability but not
4097to sacrifice people in the process to
4098where when you finish the game and if
4099it's your opponent in the racquetball
4100court when you're done you put your arms
4101around each other and walk out and talk
4102about the game and go get a beer so your
4103competitiveness should bring out the
4104best in you and bring out the best in
4105the people around you so I agree with
4106you I think when you started trying to
4107repress your competitive side I think
4108what you did was I think you repressed
4109the wrong part the part of you that
4110wants to play the game at a high level
4111to bring your a-game that's great that's
4112wonderful surround yourself with other
4113people who like playing it that way okay
4114and that's what I had to learn to do if
4115I was playing card game with people that
4116were just very casual you know
4117inattentive card players I would just
4118kind of I would I would scale myself
4119back play still play my best game but
4120I'd learned I'd practice patience with
4121them and then probably not invite em
4122over to play cards anymore and I would
4123play with people that I knew we're going
4124to show up and bring their age
4125and we would all have fun because we
4126were all had our head in it and we all
4127enjoyed the process of it and some of
4128the best times of my life have been
4129playing games when I was a preacher and
4130living in Texas
4131I used to play with a bunch of a group
4132of old ladies I'd be like the only guy
4133and there was one family three
4134generations of women and I'd always want
4135the oldest woman the matriarch choose in
4136her eighties I wanted her on my team
4137because she kicked everybody's ass she
4138was so sneaky and such a good player but
4139her daughter and her granddaughter and
4140the granddaughter was older than me and
4141so I was playing with all these old
4142women and they were a hoot and they were
4143all really really good and they would
4144give each other when they messed up
4145and his 1 to Christian women and it was
4146a lot of fun so surround yourself with
4147people who want to play at a high level
4148bring your A game to every level of life
4149but also know when you need to kind of
4150tone back the aggressiveness when it
4151involves other people who either
4152incapable or not playing at your level
4153but go have fun with it and do the same
4154thing in in all areas of life surround
4155yourself with people who want to play at
4156the level you want to play at weathers
4157at work where there's recreation
4158whatever and I think you'll have the
4159most fun with it so I know you're online
4160Royce was that helpful okay so you're
4161gonna complete oh I think part of the
4162reason is it's an extension of being
4163attached to an outcome and perhaps I
4164just need to let go that and just focus
4165on doing the best that I can do and
4166that's it that's an excellent point I'm
4167glad you said that because yes usually
4168when we have to win that's an attachment
4169to outcome and quite honestly I don't
4170care if I win at anything but I do love
4171to play games
4172I've been physical most of my life I
4173like playing sports and I like playing
4174you know card games and other games I
4175play words with friends and I like to do
4176well and I enjoy what I've done well and
4177when but but I don't care if I win I'd
4178rather have a good game and the good
4179game is what matters to me so maybe you
4180kind of refocus that is is have the
4181intention of having a good game bringing
4182your a-game bringing your focus bringing
4183your
4184just this and find a way to make the
4185people around you better as you play at
4186your highest level as well and and let
4187go of but really mattering who ones
4188because usually once it games over
4189unless you're my mom and your story
4190thinking about it for days afterward you
4191don't even care who won you forget about
4192it after a day or two so focus on the
4193process not the outcome of it yeah thank
4194you alright thanks for your question so
4195we're getting close to wrapping up but
4196we have one more question posted on the
4197the chat box this has been kind of a
4198unique Q&A; cuz I don't think we took I
4199took one question just live that's okay
4200just kind of different so I'm gonna go
4201ahead and read that one and I think
4202we'll wrap up with that again from mark
4203and Belfast I work in a company with a
4204lot of specialized quote rocket
4205scientists unquote and and they just go
4206their own way and pay no attention to me
4207and what I feel the company needs
4208because they disagree with my view how
4209do I deal with that ignore it I need
4210their support to do my job and then
4211marvelous said he wants to ask one last
4212question too so yeah thanks for asking
4213that um mark I got I'm not sure how to
4214answer your question cuz I'm not really
4215there's not much detail there I don't
4216know if these guys work under you if you
4217have authority over them if you're a
4218part of the team or if maybe they're
4219right and you're not and you just think
4220you are or I'm not sure all work at the
4221same level okay there's no way to get
4222them to do what you want other than
4223using the psychology to help them think
4224your idea was either their idea or a
4225good idea you're gonna have to find a
4226way to motivate them to get them excited
4227about a process you believe in or at
4228least to convince them to at least give
4229it a try to just put their toe in the
4230water but if you're working at the same
4231level I don't know there's any way to
4232get people to agree with you on
4233everything and and and again I don't
4234know the situation but it you maybe want
4235to ask yourself why do they believe
4236they're right and and and and why
4237I believe I'm right is it possible that
4238they have an equally good answer or even
4239a better answer than you maybe one of
4240the things you need to do is actually
4241spend more time finding out what their
4242rationale is behind what they think it's
4243kind of like to use an example I tend to
4244lean towards in the United States type
4245government towards a a Democrat type
4246thinking I'm fairly liberal on most
4247social issues I believe in fiscal
4248conservativism I don't think government
4249is all bad but I think it needs to be
4250pared back but I have a lot of friends
4251that are fairly Republican and some that
4252are really staunch Republican and very
4253anti Democrat and instead of arguing
4254with them as to why they're wrong or why
4255they can't see the truth of things I've
4256found it is best to say tell me help me
4257understand better why you feel this way
4258about this now they just say Obama's an
4259idiot that conversation isn't gonna go
4260very far but if they can tell me here's
4261why I feel strongly about this
4262particular thing I really do want to
4263know because number one it will expand
4264my understanding of things but number
4265two it helps us develop a more common
4266ground and I gave you an example I have
4267a good friend down here in Port of err
4268his retired airline pilot and he
4269probably considers me one of his best
4270friends probably because he's alienated
4271most of his others but a very very
4272staunch Republican he's one always says
4273Obama's an idiot the discussion never
4274goes any further than that but what more
4275I've listened to him the more I realize
4276we probably have more in common than not
4277and I remember one time we're sitting up
4278on his balcony and saying okay let's
4279just find out what we agree on and we
4280talked and actually we agree on much
4281more than we disagree on politically and
4282in since then we've joked that the one
4283thing that we've agreed on is that we
4284both would be in favor of Bill Gates and
4285who's the head of Berkshire Hathaway the
4286other like second most richest guy in
4287the world again my mind keeps slipping
4288on stuff today or in Warren Buffett
4289Warren Buffett my staunch Republican
4290buddy and I both agree we would be in
4291favor of Warren Buffett and Bill Gates
4292being benevolent dictators of the United
4293States
4294and getting rid of all the democratic
4295process that just tends to
4296everything up and not get anything done
4297so here's a guy we're two extremes on
4298the political spectrum but we actually
4299found something we could agree on
4300philosophically and actually I think
4301it'd be a great idea and and he does too
4302because he's very economically minded
4303and thinks they're both intelligent
4304well-meaning people and I do too now of
4305course that's never going to happen but
4306we found a way to agree so maybe go find
4307out where your differences are with your
4308co-workers and and find out what you
4309agree on and work from there and see if
4310that helps the situation okay one last
4311question then oh I'm also all add here's
4312another little post from mark I'm the
4313accountant lol they're not let me sign
4314their paychecks I guess I guess maybe I
4315give you a little bit of clout but I'm
4316not sure
4317okay marvelous you want the opportunity
4318to ask the last question please are you
4319gonna do that out loud what's your
4320question we've already gone about an
4321hour so let's do the short version where
4322do we go from here I mean we had
4323brilliant eight weeks you gave us kindly
4324one week break to cope with the material
4325I mean it was quite a lot to take in I
4326have to admit I probably did not manage
4327to cover the coursework or the
4328assignment of the last week the building
4329support system I did attend the p80
4330course that you delivered in January I
4331think generally February so being
4332exposed I mean my first exposure to the
4333nice guy book was in most November so
4334I've been from last November until today
4335I'm kind of taking this thing quite
4336seriously and trying to work with so
4337many issues I've joined Ben's group here
4338so where do we go from here when it
4339comes to the after these eight weeks or
4340after all that work what could people do
4341to keep the to maintain it's given that
4342I managed to do and also to improve
4343their work further ok great question
4344when I do ask that
4345this is a good question to ask at the
4346end of any program whether it be a
4347seminar workshop online class how do we
4348continue the process because as most of
4349you guys know you know we may go away to
4350a workshop or seminar we may take a
4351course and we're excited we're energized
4352well and then you know once we get away
4353from it
4354we also back into our old routines it's
4355just human nature that the brain likes
4356habit it likes routine is going to slip
4357back into those old routines two things
4358I'm gonna recommend I'll just keep it
4359simple I'll give you the short version
4360one is develop a practice and the other
4361is to develop and maintain your support
4362systems now what I mean by a practice is
4363start doing something every day where
4364you practice the new skill set or
4365practice doing something that keeps you
4366on the track that you want to be on I've
4367developed a practice down here where I
4368live in porta viar-toe the condo that
4369I'm an this is a relatively small condo
4370complex and that there's a pool and in
4371the morning time there's nobody by the
4372pool and I go down there every morning
4373probably at least five days a week
4374sometimes seven days a week as a
4375practice go down I get up in the morning
4376make some coffee scramble a couple eggs
4377and then I get my Kindle reader get my
4378iPhone my headphones and I go down and
4379first of all I just sit by myself and
4380just look out across the ocean
4381look around on the hills just take in
4382the moment the beauty of it I just get
4383still that's part of the practice
4384getting still then I'll just ponder
4385anything I need to be paying attention
4386to and myself my thoughts my feelings my
4387life I just take some time to be still
4388with myself and then on my Kindle I'll
4389read a couple of different daily
4390meditation books that I have on my
4391Kindle and then lately for about active
4392about most of time down here this year
4393for the last six months I'm all about my
4394fourth book by I'm gonna mispronounce
4395his name but tick knocked on I think I'm
4396pretty close he's a Vietnamese Buddhist
4397monk and oh man he's just such a good
4398down-to-earth writer about being in the
4399moment being and now about community
4400Buddhist ideas and very practical ways
4401and that's a Buddhist Christians who
4402ever all teach having a practice and
4403it's called a practice because you have
4404to do stuff repetitively for it to
4405become part of your life so I read some
4406stuff in the morning that's meditative
4407and then I get my iPhone out I've got an
4408app on there called duolingo it's a
4409really really good language learning app
4410this free
4411better than rosetta stone in my mind
4412it's on my phone is free and I do that
4413for three go about so for probably about
4414a half hour I just practice Spanish in
4415the morning and then from there I go
4416about the rest of my day so that's a
4417practice that I've developed it's pretty
4418routine I don't miss it very often I've
4419also got practices of getting to the gym
4420on certain days a week I do that pretty
4421regular I don't miss that very often if
4422I miss a day I bump it to the next day
4423so Monday Wednesday Friday I'm in the
4424gym and I've routines and what I do
4425there I haven't always had these
4426routines but you have to develop a
4427practice and keep coming back to it
4428until it feels routine to you so develop
4429a practice do something to start
4430applying some principles that you've
4431learned in either the two courses you've
4432talked about and do it every day the
4433brain that's how you develop develop
4434those neural pathways in the brain that
4435develop habits
4436the second relates to lesson eight of
4437the course and that is to develop
4438support systems you don't have to do it
4439exactly the way I talked about in in
4440lesson eight even if is a good friend a
4441non tripura NORs group you join a men's
4442group fantastic and at least once a week
4443but hopefully more often have a place
4444you go to where you check in where
4445people know you where they know what's
4446going on in your life whether it be
4447relationship work or career things you
4448want to be working on Fitness health
4449whatever go check in and be with
4450like-minded people who are going to
4451support you as they are also working on
4452similar type things and so those are my
4453two best suggestions is that develop a
4454daily practice doesn't have to be
4455complex or time-consuming
4456and develop some kind of support system
4457that keeps you on track working on the
4458things you want to work on and one other
4459just kind of side suggestion if you were
4460active on the online forms of the class
4461and if you saw somebody else that you
4462connected with they may be where as
4463active as you or they shared similar
4464thoughts as you or similar issues reach
4465out to them and ask them would they be
4466willing to stay in touch with you and
4467and keep supporting each other after the
4468class and one thing I would suggest I
4469mentioned whatsapp earlier is sold for
447019 billion dollars I found out about it
4471from my friend Roger Nix he uses that
4472exclusively with his porn recovery
4473groups that everybody in the porn
4474recovery group is on a whatsapp group
4475together and they can check in with each
4476other throughout the day and you know
4477they get to notice that so meaning their
4478group made a post and and it keeps them
4479connected it keeps them involved they
4480notice that one person kind of isn't
4481isn't joining or connecting so maybe
4482find use something like whatsapp to
4483create a group with one to three other
4484people where you all check in with each
4485other around a very specific agenda or
4486topic or practice that you're involved
4487in thank you very much that was
4488fantastic
4489great right so guys thank you for
4490joining me live today thank you for
4491those who are listening to this after
4492the fact I appreciate everybody who was
4493in the course I had a lot of fun with it
4494is a great group of people in this class
4495and as that last question points out
4496you're not done you get up every day and
4497keep working on this stuff and you work
4498on it till the day you die and I'm
4499really okay with that let's just keep
4500getting up every day and having a great
4501day every day and working on the stuff
4502that's most important to us and that
4503will change over time but I don't think
4504we ever get done working on it so
4505the course itself will be up for at
4506least another year the course materials
4507I keep saying I'm going to take them
4508down after a year but most of them stamp
4509quite a bit longer than that the forums
4510will be up the instructor Q&A; will stay
4511up in fact the next time I teach the
4512course the same thread will be continued
4513and if you're subscribed to it you will
4514continue to get the new post on the
4515instructor Q&A; so feel free to to you
4516know check in and read those posts if
4517you get emails on those posts for this
4518instructor Q&A; and of course you can go
4519back and listen to the live Q&A; s
4520including the live Q&A; s that were done
4521in previous courses so thanks again for
4522everybody in the course thanks for being
4523here today thanks for listening to this
4524after the fact and I wish every one of
4525you the best adios hasta luego thanks
4526Robert thank you thank you
4527
4528
4529
4530
4531
4532
4533
4534
4535
4536
4537
4538
4539
4540
4541
4542
4543
4544hey guys Robert here Sunday morning
4545sitting on my balcony having a nice cup
4546of coffee all the beautiful sunny day
4547and part of our thought and I just want
4548to check in with you about lesson 2
4549forum and a little preview from lesson 3
4550so let's just dive in let me share a
4551couple thoughts with you first of all
4552about the forum post and especially
4553about core beliefs lesson two was a lot
4554about core beliefs we established in
4555childhood
4556that keep us feeling whatever it is we
4557feel about ourselves our place in the
4558world how we fit in and how other people
4559perceive us and these core beliefs were
4560formed at a pretty young age and they
4561were the result of it inaccurately
4562internalized beliefs about the events
4563that were happening to us either we came
4564to believe them smart enough I'm not
4565good enough other people's needs are
4566more important than mine
4567whatever we internalize we carry that
4568into adulthood and then we keep
4569manifesting those beliefs we keep
4570co-creating systems people with
4571businesses companies will work for that
4572that perpetuate those belief systems and
4573we keep inviting those kind of
4574situations to come reinforce what we
4575believe to be true now one thing about
4576the human mind
4577it loves consistency so if it believes
4578you're not good enough it will co-create
4579systems to keep perpetuating that belief
4580it will go find evidence to support that
4581belief even if you are succeeding in
4582accomplishing and have great assets and
4583tools and accomplishments in the past
4584your mind will tune out information that
4585contradicts its core beliefs and it will
4586latch on to and hold on to information
4587that is consistent with its core beliefs
4588that's why changing these kind of
4589patterns whether they're in relationship
4590dating working career can be so
4591challenging because the mind wants to
4592live in that consistent place it wants
4593to keep seeing what it believes to be
4594true in another aspect of the human mind
4595is it always believes whatever it
4596believes must be true
4597I believes what the mind believes is
4598true so this can tell you all kinds of
4599stories and because your mind tells you
4600the stories you believe they must be
4601true they're coming from your mind so
4602they must represent truth some of the
4603core beliefs you guys wrote about on the
4604lesson to form we're about the fear of
4605being found out that is so common not
4606only with just nice guys but just people
4607in the work world in general but
4608especially nice guys I've worked with
4609vice presidents of corporations major
4610universities airline pilots very
4611successful people and a very common
4612denominators as fear people will find
4613out on the Frog phony I'm not really
4614that good I don't really know what I'm
4615doing
4616hell I'd struggle with that I just see
4617myself it's just an average guy my brain
4618tells me I'm not that bright I'm not
4619that great I'm not that I'm not this and
4620and quite honestly I don't know how
4621intelligent I am I don't know how
4622talented or gifted I am but my brain
4623keeps telling me same thing I'm gonna
4624find out people will find out that I'm
4625just faking it so when I get emails from
4626people and say you know you changed my
4627life
4628you're your guru you're this you're that
4629I kind of smiled for my brain goes just
4630me so it can be a challenge to accept
4631that you have gifts you have talents
4632your capability you've accomplished
4633things and it doesn't mean you have to
4634feed that through your ego but dwelling
4635in reality lets you get out there and
4636accomplish what you're really capable of
4637so pay attention to those those core
4638beliefs fear being found out issues
4639around deprivation and abundance you
4640deserve good things that often goes back
4641to early childhood but being
4642uncomfortable with praise I struggle
4643with that one when people tell me you
4644know how much my books helped them or
4645how I've helped their life I've had to
4646learn to just be still I just listen to
4647it and hear them and hear what they're
4648saying without it being run through the
4649filter in my brain that says yeah but
4650yeah yeah but yeah yeah or just to neat
4651it out completely because it's it
4652consistent with my core belief so be
4653still take it in
4654we'll give you a compliment or give you
4655praise now another thing we struggle
4656with is is recognizing our own strengths
4657now my experiences working with nice
4658guys as most nights guys actually as a
4659safe are fairly accomplished we do reach
4660middle management so to speak but yet we
4661have our time recognizing our strengths
4662and that's one of the most consistent
4663things I see working with nice guys is
4664health often talented smart creative and
4665and often hard workers that the men I
4666work with are except we don't see that
4667in ourselves and so learning to
4668recognize our strengths our assets is an
4669important key tool of living up to them
4670and fully utilizing them so I'm gonna
4671give you just a couple little
4672assignments but they're little but they
4673may cause you to struggle a little bit
4674up here if it contradicts your core
4675goals first assignment is to write down
4676three there's three three strengths that
4677you have and if you struggle with it go
4678ask some people that know you well what
4679are three strengths so maybe do it
4680yourself and then ask some people what
4681are your three strings then write down
4682three major accomplishments in your life
4683know this may still be a struggle
4684because your mind will want to minimize
4685them or even that comes up with
4686something it'll say I wasn't that big a
4687deal or I just lucked into it I just
4688happen to be at the right place at the
4689right time
4690now I did this maybe six or seven years
4691ago and just made a list of things I'd
4692accomplished and when I got done I
4693thought you know my life's already
4694exceeded my expectations I was a little
4695bit impressed oh I really have done some
4696really great things in my life and it
4697wasn't an ego thing again but it was
4698good to open you let me see okay
4699apparently I've got skills I've got
4700talents I've been at the right place at
4701the right time created some of my own
4702block things that come my way
4703but stiff it's what I brought to the
4704tables make a difference so try that
4705little siphon in to see how it feels and
4706then I'm also gonna suggest if you
4707haven't
4708it's already listened to the podcast
4709series that is on the library page about
4710overcoming the fear of success I
4711recorded this maybe three four years ago
4712when I was really about to go watch some
4713major things it's just probably launched
4714the rebuilding or building in my new
4715website I've been planning it for years
4716I can't find any ways to put it off even
4717though I knew what I wanted to do and so
4718I started working on that podcast series
4719of overcoming your fear of success based
4720on a comment that some guys made in one
4721of my singles men's group at the time
4722and the comment typically was is that
4723well they were afraid if they actually
4724wouldn't help practice the dating skills
4725I was teaching they would actually have
4726success and we're going yeah yeah
4727exactly and and but the some of the guys
4728are saying but I don't think I want that
4729I don't think I want the success of
4730women liking me or having a relationship
4731because the ways it might change my life
4732and then I said well what are your fears
4733will happen if you're successful they're
4734dating and I mean some pretty legitimate
4735peers always control of life give
4736somebody treats me bad worse not better
4737won't be able to end it if they are
4738difficult to the wrong person I said
4739well it's legitimate for you to be
4740afraid of those things if you don't
4741believe you can handle them if they come
4742and out of that core principle that is
4743it makes sense to have a fear of success
4744if the things you fear number one or a
4745very real possibility of occurring and
4746number two if you don't believe you
4747could handle those things why would you
4748go apply the principles that lead to
4749success so listen to that podcast series
4750maybe be helpful with your own self
4751lemony core beliefs and I know when I
4752started recording it I think there's
4753gonna be one or two podcasts and it
4754turned into seven so go alright
4755some other forum stuff
4756seeking validation at work I've often
4757said you don't go to work to get
4758validation you go to work you get your
4759paycheck you're not there to get
4760approval to get recognition to get pass
4761them back you're there to do your job
4762alright and hopefully as you're doing
4763your job you're being your best and
4764employee you're bringing your a-game and
4765and then good things will probably come
4766from that but that's not why you're
4767there you're not xxx validation you know
4768use another dating analogy I often tell
4769guys if you approach a woman approach
4770women in general seeking their approval
4771it's a recipe for disaster from the very
4772beginning it will make you anxious
4773it'll make you avoidant you won't be
4774yourself you won't take risk and then if
4775by some weird chance you don't end up in
4776the friend zone and you actually do get
4777a woman that you've got because you were
4778seeking her approval she'll eat you
4779alive for as long as you're with them I
4780know because I've done that and that's
4781why most of us do it we go into
4782relationship seeking a woman's approval
4783invalidation and we stay in that place
4784of trying to make them happy
4785and it doesn't make for good
4786relationships all right same things true
4787at work if you go to work seeking
4788validation seeking the approval of your
4789boss trying not to get fired not to get
4790found out it will make you anxious and
4791risk adverse and passive and avoidant
4792and pleasing none of those things you're
4793gonna get you a hit so just like seeking
4794the approval of a woman puts you in the
4795friend zone seeking approval and
4796recognition and validation at work puts
4797you in the middle management so they're
4798metaphors but they're metaphors for
4799saying okay you might get so far but
4800you're capable so pay attention to that
4801this week
4802are you seeking approval and validation
4803and then just a couple comments about
4804the visualization reparent in
4805visualization now I've been teaching
4806this class for several years now and the
4807visualization originally was part of it
4808just in the written form and then I
4809added the podcast to it a few years ago
4810there are two very common reactions to
4811the repairing team visualization
4812number one is that it seems so
4813unrealistic and I've had guys write and
4814try to convince me this is the most
4815bizarre unrealistic Family Leave It to
4816Beaver scenario I've ever heard
4817the truth is it's not unrealistic at all
4818it's actually pretty basic it's just
4819actually a mom and dad being good to
4820their kid and the fact that so many nice
4821guys find it so unrealistic tells you
4822the kind of experience most of us had
4823and why we have the internal Dilys we do
4824about herself now a second thing I hear
4825this repeatedly and it's actually sad
4826and scary but the second thing is is how
4827many nice guys tell me they never ever
4828saw their parents being affectionate to
4829each other
4830now my parents had plenty of toxicity
4831and dysfunction and they me up
4832good but they were affectionate to each
4833other and I'm grateful for them I'm
4834extremely grateful for that because by
4835seeing them affection affection it to
4836each other it it made me feel safer and
4837created just a healthier foundation for
4838me to build to be built on as a person
4839and so pay attention to that pay
4840attention to that experience of
4841listening to your clarity and
4842visualization there's a visualization if
4843you haven't done it listen to it and
4844listen to it several times if you need
4845to because you can reprogram your brain
4846that even if you didn't experience those
4847things you can reprogram them as if
4848resist it at first but keep listening
4849until the resistance begins to go down
4850all right
4851lesson three is coming we're gonna talk
4852about the committee of mediocrity now
4853let's start with that in terms of online
4854posting now one of the beauties of these
4855online classes at TPI University and
4856reason why I like doing them is the
4857online interaction with your fellow
4858classmates and with me now class got off
4859to a great start
4860lesson one a lot of people posting on
4861the forum lesson two it took a dive in
4862I just took a quick rough countin looks
4863like maybe seven eight guys posted on
4864less than two forum now for sure over
4865forty five people in this class so I'm
4866not a math major I'm not gonna do the
4867math of what the percentage of that is
4868but since lesson three is about
4869committee of mediocrity I'm assuming
4870that committee has already checked in
4871with a great percentage of the people in
4872this course it said oh do the forum
4873later oh it's not that important oh I'll
4874get to it when I can
4875oh I got to take care of this first oh
4876I'll just lurk and read what other
4877people are posting okay that's the
4878committee of mediocrity we're gonna read
4879more about it in lesson three challenge
4880it alright and challenge it in terms of
4881doing the lessons and posting on the
4882forum it's the forums that make this
4883material powerful and life-changing the
4884material in the lessons in itself isn't
4885anything revolutionary it's okay it's a
4886good solid material but when you connect
4887with me and classmates through the
4888forums it helps you make a shift and
4889that committee of mediocrity and start
4890moving forward so I'm going to strongly
4891encourage you to set aside some time
4892every week
4893make it a designated time where you do
4894the lessons and you post on the forum
4895listen to your committee of mediocrity
4896that tries to talk you out of it pay
4897attention to the stories it tells you as
4898to why you don't need to do it or why
4899it'll benefit other people but not you
4900it is those voices that talk to you
4901throughout your day every day and keep
4902you from becoming a full achiever so use
4903the forum not always a way to connect
4904but as a way to pay attention to your
4905committee of mediocrity every time it
4906tries to talk you out of posting reading
4907or even delaying getting around to doing
4908the lessons now I'm gonna share a little
4909bit of personal account with you I do
4910that quite a bit anyway but this week
4911I'm designated as a writing week and
4912I've been working on trying to get a
4913book based on
4914my all the way in class put together
4915into a complete book on relationships my
4916agents been pestering me about it really
4917three or four years he's getting old so
4918uh apparently as patience yes yeah yeah
4919can you still still encouraging me to
4920get the book written and I don't know
4921how my committee has gotten in but
4922there's always so much to do so busy
4923I've tried to set aside time to write
4924find other things to do that seem more
4925important kind of that deceptive
4926productivity or in the urgency of gotta
4927get done now so what I've started to do
4928is set aside the first week of each
4929month schedule any online clients a
4930really free time up for writing I've
4931hired an employee to free time up and
4932this week I'm going up to boutique
4933hotels us about a block up the hill from
4934me I know the owners and treatment well
4935they let me go stamp there for a week
4936and write and I mean it's a block from
4937my house so it's not like I'm going very
4938far away but by just going and staying
4939there it's kind of creating this
4940container where that container is to
4941write and it's to write on the ball a
4942ship's already noticed my mind going
4943yeah I could get caught up into podcast
4944this week too and I can start working on
4945class I want to teach this summer on the
4946luminate brain and I've had to watch
4947because I get caught up with my biggest
4948issues like too many irons in the fire
4949too many things on my plate too many
4950metaphors and and I don't move forward
4951on the most important thing so I'll
4952check back in with you
4953a week from now and let you know how the
4954week has gone so in the meantime pay
4955attention to your committee of
4956mediocrity how it gets in the way get
4957online get on the forums and you know
4958what there's a forum just for you to ask
4959me questions and don't least ask me
4960question yet all right I'm feeling like
4961unimportant where you don't need me so
4962I'm gonna bribe you okay will manipulate
4963you
4964the first three people who post a
4965question on the instructor TNA ask me a
4966question about course material about
4967your situation and applying this
4968material first three people ask me a
4969question I'm gonna give you a free
4970Kindle eBook
4971one of my favorite books of late called
4972the war of art and it's a great book
4973about resistance and getting unstuck and
4974forward to tell you what I'm gonna take
4975a copy of it with me up to my writing we
4976can read a little bit of it every
4977morning just to keep me motivated so
4978post a question to me and first three
4979people do it I'll give you a free Kindle
4980eBook
4981this week I'm also gonna be sending you
4982an email with a copy of feel the fear
4983and do it anyway as a gift
4984ebook in some of our lessons are based
4985on so it'll be good for you to have that
4986covered in the meantime pay attention to
4987yourself limiting beliefs way pay
4988attention to the committee of mediocrity
4989set aside a time each week to work on
4990the class and lessons and get involved
4991in the forum I can't stress i can't
4992bribe you enough to get involved in the
4993forum's it'll make a huge difference in
4994your experience of the class okay guys
4995have a great week I'm gonna be writing
4996this week and I'll check in with you
4997next week and give you a positive update
4998on that experience or hasta LaVista
4999you