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1
2            The Internet Wiretap 1st Online Edition of
3
4
5                      THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY
6
7                                by 
8
9                          AMBROSE BIERCE
10
11
12           Copyright 1911 by Albert and Charles Boni, Inc.
13               A Public Domain Text, Copyright Expired
14
15                       Released April 15 1993
16
17                 Entered by Aloysius of &tSftDotIotE
18                     aloysius@west.darkside.com
19
20
21
22                              PREFACE
23
24_The Devil's Dictionary_ was begun in a weekly paper in 1881, and was 
25continued in a desultory way at long intervals until 1906.  In that 
26year a large part of it was published in covers with the title _The 
27Cynic's Word Book_, a name which the author had not the power to 
28reject or happiness to approve.  To quote the publishers of the 
29present work:
30    "This more reverent title had previously been forced upon him by 
31the religious scruples of the last newspaper in which a part of the 
32work had appeared, with the natural consequence that when it came out 
33in covers the country already had been flooded by its imitators with a 
34score of 'cynic' books -- _The Cynic's This_, _The Cynic's That_, and 
35_The Cynic's t'Other_.  Most of these books were merely stupid, though 
36some of them added the distinction of silliness.  Among them, they 
37brought the word 'cynic' into disfavor so deep that any book bearing 
38it was discredited in advance of publication."
39    Meantime, too, some of the enterprising humorists of the country 
40had helped themselves to such parts of the work as served their needs, 
41and many of its definitions, anecdotes, phrases and so forth, had 
42become more or less current in popular speech.  This explanation is 
43made, not with any pride of priority in trifles, but in simple denial 
44of possible charges of plagiarism, which is no trifle.  In merely 
45resuming his own the author hopes to be held guiltless by those to 
46whom the work is addressed -- enlightened souls who prefer dry wines 
47to sweet, sense to sentiment, wit to humor and clean English to slang.
48    A conspicuous, and it is hope not unpleasant, feature of the book 
49is its abundant illustrative quotations from eminent poets, chief of 
50whom is that learned and ingenius cleric, Father Gassalasca Jape, 
51S.J., whose lines bear his initials.  To Father Jape's kindly 
52encouragement and assistance the author of the prose text is greatly 
53indebted.
54                                                                  A.B.
55
56
57
58
59                                  A
60
61
62ABASEMENT, n.  A decent and customary mental attitude in the presence 
63of wealth of power.  Peculiarly appropriate in an employee when 
64addressing an employer.
65
66ABATIS, n.  Rubbish in front of a fort, to prevent the rubbish outside 
67from molesting the rubbish inside.
68
69ABDICATION, n.  An act whereby a sovereign attests his sense of the 
70high temperature of the throne.
71
72    Poor Isabella's Dead, whose abdication
73    Set all tongues wagging in the Spanish nation.
74    For that performance 'twere unfair to scold her:
75    She wisely left a throne too hot to hold her.
76    To History she'll be no royal riddle --
77    Merely a plain parched pea that jumped the griddle.
78                                                                  G.J.
79
80ABDOMEN, n.  The temple of the god Stomach, in whose worship, with 
81sacrificial rights, all true men engage.  From women this ancient 
82faith commands but a stammering assent.  They sometimes minister at 
83the altar in a half-hearted and ineffective way, but true reverence 
84for the one deity that men really adore they know not.  If woman had a 
85free hand in the world's marketing the race would become 
86graminivorous.
87
88ABILITY, n.  The natural equipment to accomplish some small part of 
89the meaner ambitions distinguishing able men from dead ones.  In the 
90last analysis ability is commonly found to consist mainly in a high 
91degree of solemnity.  Perhaps, however, this impressive quality is 
92rightly appraised; it is no easy task to be solemn.
93
94ABNORMAL, adj.  Not conforming to standard.  In matters of thought and 
95conduct, to be independent is to be abnormal, to be abnormal is to be 
96detested.  Wherefore the lexicographer adviseth a striving toward the 
97straiter [sic] resemblance of the Average Man than he hath to himself.  
98Whoso attaineth thereto shall have peace, the prospect of death and 
99the hope of Hell.
100
101ABORIGINIES, n.  Persons of little worth found cumbering the soil of a 
102newly discovered country.  They soon cease to cumber; they fertilize.
103
104ABRACADABRA.
105
106    By _Abracadabra_ we signify
107        An infinite number of things.
108    'Tis the answer to What? and How? and Why?
109    And Whence? and Whither? -- a word whereby
110        The Truth (with the comfort it brings)
111    Is open to all who grope in night,
112    Crying for Wisdom's holy light.
113
114    Whether the word is a verb or a noun
115        Is knowledge beyond my reach.
116    I only know that 'tis handed down.
117            From sage to sage,
118            From age to age --
119        An immortal part of speech!
120
121    Of an ancient man the tale is told
122    That he lived to be ten centuries old,
123        In a cave on a mountain side.
124        (True, he finally died.)
125    The fame of his wisdom filled the land,
126    For his head was bald, and you'll understand
127        His beard was long and white
128        And his eyes uncommonly bright.
129
130    Philosophers gathered from far and near
131    To sit at his feat and hear and hear,
132            Though he never was heard
133            To utter a word
134        But "_Abracadabra, abracadab_,
135            _Abracada, abracad_,
136        _Abraca, abrac, abra, ab!_"
137            'Twas all he had,
138    'Twas all they wanted to hear, and each
139    Made copious notes of the mystical speech,
140            Which they published next --
141            A trickle of text
142    In the meadow of commentary.
143        Mighty big books were these,
144        In a number, as leaves of trees;
145    In learning, remarkably -- very!
146
147            He's dead,
148            As I said,
149    And the books of the sages have perished,
150    But his wisdom is sacredly cherished.
151    In _Abracadabra_ it solemnly rings,
152    Like an ancient bell that forever swings.
153            O, I love to hear
154            That word make clear
155    Humanity's General Sense of Things.
156                                                       Jamrach Holobom
157
158ABRIDGE, v.t.  To shorten.
159
160        When in the course of human events it becomes necessary for 
161    people to abridge their king, a decent respect for the opinions of 
162    mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel 
163    them to the separation.
164                                                       Oliver Cromwell
165
166ABRUPT, adj.  Sudden, without ceremony, like the arrival of a cannon- 
167shot and the departure of the soldier whose interests are most 
168affected by it.  Dr. Samuel Johnson beautifully said of another 
169author's ideas that they were "concatenated without abruption."
170
171ABSCOND, v.i.  To "move in a mysterious way," commonly with the 
172property of another.
173
174    Spring beckons!  All things to the call respond;
175    The trees are leaving and cashiers abscond.
176                                                             Phela Orm
177
178ABSENT, adj.  Peculiarly exposed to the tooth of detraction; vilifed; 
179hopelessly in the wrong; superseded in the consideration and affection 
180of another.
181
182    To men a man is but a mind.  Who cares
183    What face he carries or what form he wears?
184    But woman's body is the woman.  O,
185    Stay thou, my sweetheart, and do never go,
186    But heed the warning words the sage hath said:
187    A woman absent is a woman dead.
188                                                            Jogo Tyree
189
190ABSENTEE, n.  A person with an income who has had the forethought to 
191remove himself from the sphere of exaction.
192
193ABSOLUTE, adj.  Independent, irresponsible.  An absolute monarchy is 
194one in which the sovereign does as he pleases so long as he pleases 
195the assassins.  Not many absolute monarchies are left, most of them 
196having been replaced by limited monarchies, where the sovereign's 
197power for evil (and for good) is greatly curtailed, and by republics, 
198which are governed by chance.
199
200ABSTAINER, n.  A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying 
201himself a pleasure.  A total abstainer is one who abstains from 
202everything but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the 
203affairs of others.
204
205    Said a man to a crapulent youth:  "I thought
206        You a total abstainer, my son."
207    "So I am, so I am," said the scrapgrace caught --
208        "But not, sir, a bigoted one."
209                                                                  G.J.
210
211ABSURDITY, n.  A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with 
212one's own opinion.
213
214ACADEME, n.  An ancient school where morality and philosophy were 
215taught.
216
217ACADEMY, n.  [from ACADEME]   A modern school where football is 
218taught.
219
220ACCIDENT, n.  An inevitable occurrence due to the action of immutable 
221natural laws.
222
223ACCOMPLICE, n.  One associated with another in a crime, having guilty 
224knowledge and complicity, as an attorney who defends a criminal, 
225knowing him guilty.  This view of the attorney's position in the 
226matter has not hitherto commanded the assent of attorneys, no one 
227having offered them a fee for assenting.
228
229ACCORD, n.  Harmony.
230
231ACCORDION, n.  An instrument in harmony with the sentiments of an 
232assassin.
233
234ACCOUNTABILITY, n.  The mother of caution.
235
236    "My accountability, bear in mind,"
237        Said the Grand Vizier:  "Yes, yes,"
238    Said the Shah:  "I do -- 'tis the only kind
239        Of ability you possess."
240                                                            Joram Tate
241
242ACCUSE, v.t.  To affirm another's guilt or unworth; most commonly as a 
243justification of ourselves for having wronged him.
244
245ACEPHALOUS, adj.  In the surprising condition of the Crusader who 
246absently pulled at his forelock some hours after a Saracen scimitar 
247had, unconsciously to him, passed through his neck, as related by de 
248Joinville.
249
250ACHIEVEMENT, n.  The death of endeavor and the birth of disgust.
251
252ACKNOWLEDGE, v.t.  To confess.  Acknowledgement of one another's 
253faults is the highest duty imposed by our love of truth.
254
255ACQUAINTANCE, n.  A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, 
256but not well enough to lend to.  A degree of friendship called slight 
257when its object is poor or obscure, and intimate when he is rich or 
258famous.
259
260ACTUALLY, adv.  Perhaps; possibly.
261
262ADAGE, n.  Boned wisdom for weak teeth.
263
264ADAMANT, n.  A mineral frequently found beneath a corset.  Soluble in 
265solicitate of gold.
266
267ADDER, n.  A species of snake.  So called from its habit of adding 
268funeral outlays to the other expenses of living.
269
270ADHERENT, n.  A follower who has not yet obtained all that he expects 
271to get.
272
273ADMINISTRATION, n.  An ingenious abstraction in politics, designed to 
274receive the kicks and cuffs due to the premier or president.  A man of 
275straw, proof against bad-egging and dead-catting.
276
277ADMIRAL, n.  That part of a war-ship which does the talking while the 
278figure-head does the thinking.
279
280ADMIRATION, n.  Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to 
281ourselves.
282
283ADMONITION, n.  Gentle reproof, as with a meat-axe.  Friendly warning.
284
285    Consigned by way of admonition,
286    His soul forever to perdition.
287                                                              Judibras
288
289ADORE, v.t.  To venerate expectantly.
290
291ADVICE, n.  The smallest current coin.
292
293    "The man was in such deep distress,"
294    Said Tom, "that I could do no less
295    Than give him good advice."  Said Jim:
296    "If less could have been done for him
297    I know you well enough, my son,
298    To know that's what you would have done."
299                                                         Jebel Jocordy
300
301AFFIANCED, pp.  Fitted with an ankle-ring for the ball-and-chain.
302
303AFFLICTION, n.  An acclimatizing process preparing the soul for 
304another and bitter world.
305
306AFRICAN, n.  A nigger that votes our way.
307
308AGE, n.  That period of life in which we compound for the vices that 
309we still cherish by reviling those that we have no longer the 
310enterprise to commit.
311
312AGITATOR, n.  A statesman who shakes the fruit trees of his neighbors 
313-- to dislodge the worms.
314
315AIM, n.  The task we set our wishes to.
316
317    "Cheer up!  Have you no aim in life?"
318        She tenderly inquired.
319    "An aim?  Well, no, I haven't, wife;
320        The fact is -- I have fired."
321                                                                  G.J.
322
323AIR, n.  A nutritious substance supplied by a bountiful Providence for 
324the fattening of the poor.
325
326ALDERMAN, n.  An ingenious criminal who covers his secret thieving 
327with a pretence of open marauding.
328
329ALIEN, n.  An American sovereign in his probationary state.
330
331ALLAH, n.  The Mahometan Supreme Being, as distinguished from the 
332Christian, Jewish, and so forth.
333
334    Allah's good laws I faithfully have kept,
335    And ever for the sins of man have wept;
336        And sometimes kneeling in the temple I
337    Have reverently crossed my hands and slept.
338                                                         Junker Barlow
339
340ALLEGIANCE, n.
341
342    This thing Allegiance, as I suppose,
343    Is a ring fitted in the subject's nose,
344    Whereby that organ is kept rightly pointed
345    To smell the sweetness of the Lord's anointed.
346                                                                  G.J.
347
348ALLIANCE, n.  In international politics, the union of two thieves who 
349have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pockets that they 
350cannot separately plunder a third.
351
352ALLIGATOR, n.  The crocodile of America, superior in every detail to 
353the crocodile of the effete monarchies of the Old World.  Herodotus 
354says the Indus is, with one exception, the only river that produces 
355crocodiles, but they appear to have gone West and grown up with the 
356other rivers.  From the notches on his back the alligator is called a 
357sawrian.
358
359ALONE, adj.  In bad company.
360
361    In contact, lo! the flint and steel,
362    By spark and flame, the thought reveal
363    That he the metal, she the stone,
364    Had cherished secretly alone.
365                                                           Booley Fito
366
367ALTAR, n.  The place whereupon the priest formerly raveled out the 
368small intestine of the sacrificial victim for purposes of divination 
369and cooked its flesh for the gods.  The word is now seldom used, 
370except with reference to the sacrifice of their liberty and peace by a 
371male and a female tool.
372
373    They stood before the altar and supplied
374    The fire themselves in which their fat was fried.
375    In vain the sacrifice! -- no god will claim
376    An offering burnt with an unholy flame.
377                                                           M.P. Nopput
378
379AMBIDEXTROUS, adj.  Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket 
380or a left.
381
382AMBITION, n.  An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies while 
383living and made ridiculous by friends when dead.
384
385AMNESTY, n.  The state's magnanimity to those offenders whom it would 
386be too expensive to punish.
387
388ANOINT, v.t.  To grease a king or other great functionary already 
389sufficiently slippery.
390
391    As sovereigns are anointed by the priesthood,
392    So pigs to lead the populace are greased good.
393                                                              Judibras
394
395ANTIPATHY, n.  The sentiment inspired by one's friend's friend.
396
397APHORISM, n.  Predigested wisdom.
398
399    The flabby wine-skin of his brain
400    Yields to some pathologic strain,
401    And voids from its unstored abysm
402    The driblet of an aphorism.
403                                           "The Mad Philosopher," 1697
404
405APOLOGIZE, v.i.  To lay the foundation for a future offence.
406
407APOSTATE, n.  A leech who, having penetrated the shell of a turtle 
408only to find that the creature has long been dead, deems it expedient 
409to form a new attachment to a fresh turtle.
410
411APOTHECARY, n.  The physician's accomplice, undertaker's benefactor 
412and grave worm's provider.
413
414    When Jove sent blessings to all men that are,
415    And Mercury conveyed them in a jar,
416    That friend of tricksters introduced by stealth
417    Disease for the apothecary's health,
418    Whose gratitude impelled him to proclaim:
419    "My deadliest drug shall bear my patron's name!"
420                                                                  G.J.
421
422APPEAL, v.t.  In law, to put the dice into the box for another throw.
423
424APPETITE, n.  An instinct thoughtfully implanted by Providence as a 
425solution to the labor question.
426
427APPLAUSE, n.  The echo of a platitude.
428
429APRIL FOOL, n.  The March fool with another month added to his folly.
430
431ARCHBISHOP, n.  An ecclesiastical dignitary one point holier than a 
432bishop.
433
434    If I were a jolly archbishop,
435    On Fridays I'd eat all the fish up --
436    Salmon and flounders and smelts;
437    On other days everything else.
438                                                              Jodo Rem
439
440ARCHITECT, n.  One who drafts a plan of your house, and plans a draft 
441of your money.
442
443ARDOR, n.  The quality that distinguishes love without knowledge.
444
445ARENA, n.  In politics, an imaginary rat-pit in which the statesman 
446wrestles with his record.
447
448ARISTOCRACY, n.  Government by the best men.  (In this sense the word 
449is obsolete; so is that kind of government.)  Fellows that wear downy 
450hats and clean shirts -- guilty of education and suspected of bank 
451accounts.
452
453ARMOR, n.  The kind of clothing worn by a man whose tailor is a 
454blacksmith.
455
456ARRAYED, pp.  Drawn up and given an orderly disposition, as a rioter 
457hanged to a lamppost.
458
459ARREST, v.t.  Formally to detain one accused of unusualness.
460
461    God made the world in six days and was arrested on the seventh.
462                                            _The Unauthorized Version_
463
464ARSENIC, n.  A kind of cosmetic greatly affected by the ladies, whom 
465it greatly affects in turn.
466
467    "Eat arsenic?  Yes, all you get,"
468        Consenting, he did speak up;
469    "'Tis better you should eat it, pet,
470        Than put it in my teacup."
471                                                             Joel Huck
472
473ART, n.  This word has no definition.  Its origin is related as 
474follows by the ingenious Father Gassalasca Jape, S.J.
475
476    One day a wag -- what would the wretch be at? --
477    Shifted a letter of the cipher RAT,
478    And said it was a god's name!  Straight arose
479    Fantastic priests and postulants (with shows,
480    And mysteries, and mummeries, and hymns,
481    And disputations dire that lamed their limbs)
482    To serve his temple and maintain the fires,
483    Expound the law, manipulate the wires.
484    Amazed, the populace that rites attend,
485    Believe whate'er they cannot comprehend,
486    And, inly edified to learn that two
487    Half-hairs joined so and so (as Art can do)
488    Have sweeter values and a grace more fit
489    Than Nature's hairs that never have been split,
490    Bring cates and wines for sacrificial feasts,
491    And sell their garments to support the priests.
492
493ARTLESSNESS, n.  A certain engaging quality to which women attain by 
494long study and severe practice upon the admiring male, who is pleased 
495to fancy it resembles the candid simplicity of his young.
496
497ASPERSE, v.t.  Maliciously to ascribe to another vicious actions which 
498one has not had the temptation and opportunity to commit.
499
500ASS, n.  A public singer with a good voice but no ear.  In Virginia 
501City, Nevada, he is called the Washoe Canary, in Dakota, the Senator, 
502and everywhere the Donkey.  The animal is widely and variously 
503celebrated in the literature, art and religion of every age and 
504country; no other so engages and fires the human imagination as this 
505noble vertebrate.  Indeed, it is doubted by some (Ramasilus, _lib. 
506II., De Clem._, and C. Stantatus, _De Temperamente_) if it is not a 
507god; and as such we know it was worshiped by the Etruscans, and, if we 
508may believe Macrobious, by the Cupasians also.  Of the only two 
509animals admitted into the Mahometan Paradise along with the souls of 
510men, the ass that carried Balaam is one, the dog of the Seven Sleepers 
511the other.  This is no small distinction.  From what has been written 
512about this beast might be compiled a library of great splendor and 
513magnitude, rivalling that of the Shakespearean cult, and that which 
514clusters about the Bible.  It may be said, generally, that all 
515literature is more or less Asinine.
516
517    "Hail, holy Ass!" the quiring angels sing;
518    "Priest of Unreason, and of Discords King!"
519    Great co-Creator, let Thy glory shine:
520    God made all else, the Mule, the Mule is thine!"
521                                                                  G.J.
522
523AUCTIONEER, n.  The man who proclaims with a hammer that he has picked 
524a pocket with his tongue.
525
526AUSTRALIA, n.  A country lying in the South Sea, whose industrial and 
527commercial development has been unspeakably retarded by an unfortunate 
528dispute among geographers as to whether it is a continent or an 
529island.
530
531AVERNUS, n.  The lake by which the ancients entered the infernal 
532regions.  The fact that access to the infernal regions was obtained by 
533a lake is believed by the learned Marcus Ansello Scrutator to have 
534suggested the Christian rite of baptism by immersion.  This, however, 
535has been shown by Lactantius to be an error.
536
537    _Facilis descensus Averni,_
538        The poet remarks; and the sense
539    Of it is that when down-hill I turn I
540        Will get more of punches than pence.
541                                                        Jehal Dai Lupe
542
543
544                                  B
545
546
547BAAL, n.  An old deity formerly much worshiped under various names.  
548As Baal he was popular with the Phoenicians; as Belus or Bel he had 
549the honor to be served by the priest Berosus, who wrote the famous 
550account of the Deluge; as Babel he had a tower partly erected to his 
551glory on the Plain of Shinar.  From Babel comes our English word 
552"babble."  Under whatever name worshiped, Baal is the Sun-god.  As 
553Beelzebub he is the god of flies, which are begotten of the sun's rays 
554on the stagnant water.  In Physicia Baal is still worshiped as Bolus, 
555and as Belly he is adored and served with abundant sacrifice by the 
556priests of Guttledom.
557
558BABE or BABY, n.  A misshapen creature of no particular age, sex, or 
559condition, chiefly remarkable for the violence of the sympathies and 
560antipathies it excites in others, itself without sentiment or emotion.  
561There have been famous babes; for example, little Moses, from whose 
562adventure in the bulrushes the Egyptian hierophants of seven centuries 
563before doubtless derived their idle tale of the child Osiris being 
564preserved on a floating lotus leaf.
565
566            Ere babes were invented
567            The girls were contended.
568            Now man is tormented
569    Until to buy babes he has squandered
570    His money.  And so I have pondered
571            This thing, and thought may be
572            'T were better that Baby
573    The First had been eagled or condored.
574                                                               Ro Amil
575
576BACCHUS, n.  A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse 
577for getting drunk.
578
579    Is public worship, then, a sin,
580        That for devotions paid to Bacchus
581    The lictors dare to run us in,
582        And resolutely thump and whack us?
583                                                                Jorace
584
585BACK, n.  That part of your friend which it is your privilege to 
586contemplate in your adversity.
587
588BACKBITE, v.t.  To speak of a man as you find him when he can't find 
589you.
590
591BAIT, n.  A preparation that renders the hook more palatable.  The 
592best kind is beauty.
593
594BAPTISM, n.  A sacred rite of such efficacy that he who finds himself 
595in heaven without having undergone it will be unhappy forever.  It is 
596performed with water in two ways -- by immersion, or plunging, and by 
597aspersion, or sprinkling.
598
599    But whether the plan of immersion
600    Is better than simple aspersion
601        Let those immersed
602        And those aspersed
603    Decide by the Authorized Version,
604    And by matching their agues tertian.
605                                                                  G.J.
606
607BAROMETER, n.  An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of 
608weather we are having.
609
610BARRACK, n.  A house in which soldiers enjoy a portion of that of 
611which it is their business to deprive others.
612
613BASILISK, n.  The cockatrice.  A sort of serpent hatched form the egg 
614of a cock.  The basilisk had a bad eye, and its glance was fatal.  
615Many infidels deny this creature's existence, but Semprello Aurator 
616saw and handled one that had been blinded by lightning as a punishment 
617for having fatally gazed on a lady of rank whom Jupiter loved.  Juno 
618afterward restored the reptile's sight and hid it in a cave.  Nothing 
619is so well attested by the ancients as the existence of the basilisk, 
620but the cocks have stopped laying.
621
622BASTINADO, n.  The act of walking on wood without exertion.
623
624BATH, n.  A kind of mystic ceremony substituted for religious worship, 
625with what spiritual efficacy has not been determined.
626
627    The man who taketh a steam bath
628    He loseth all the skin he hath,
629    And, for he's boiled a brilliant red,
630    Thinketh to cleanliness he's wed,
631    Forgetting that his lungs he's soiling
632    With dirty vapors of the boiling.
633                                                          Richard Gwow
634
635BATTLE, n.  A method of untying with the teeth of a political knot 
636that would not yield to the tongue.
637
638BEARD, n.  The hair that is commonly cut off by those who justly 
639execrate the absurd Chinese custom of shaving the head.
640
641BEAUTY, n.  The power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a 
642husband.
643
644BEFRIEND, v.t.  To make an ingrate.
645
646BEG, v.  To ask for something with an earnestness proportioned to the 
647belief that it will not be given.
648
649    Who is that, father?
650
651                          A mendicant, child,
652    Haggard, morose, and unaffable -- wild!
653    See how he glares through the bars of his cell!
654    With Citizen Mendicant all is not well.
655
656    Why did they put him there, father?
657
658                                         Because
659    Obeying his belly he struck at the laws.
660
661    His belly?
662
663                Oh, well, he was starving, my boy --
664    A state in which, doubtless, there's little of joy.
665    No bite had he eaten for days, and his cry
666    Was "Bread!" ever "Bread!"
667
668                                What's the matter with pie?
669
670    With little to wear, he had nothing to sell;
671    To beg was unlawful -- improper as well.
672
673    Why didn't he work?
674
675                         He would even have done that,
676    But men said:  "Get out!" and the State remarked:  "Scat!"
677    I mention these incidents merely to show
678    That the vengeance he took was uncommonly low.
679    Revenge, at the best, is the act of a Siou,
680    But for trifles --
681
682                        Pray what did bad Mendicant do?
683
684    Stole two loaves of bread to replenish his lack
685    And tuck out the belly that clung to his back.
686
687    Is that _all_ father dear?
688
689                                There's little to tell:
690    They sent him to jail, and they'll send him to -- well,
691    The company's better than here we can boast,
692    And there's --
693
694                    Bread for the needy, dear father?
695
696                                                       Um -- toast.
697                                                              Atka Mip
698
699BEGGAR, n.  One who has relied on the assistance of his friends.
700
701BEHAVIOR, n.  Conduct, as determined, not by principle, but by 
702breeding.  The word seems to be somewhat loosely used in Dr. Jamrach 
703Holobom's translation of the following lines from the _Dies Irae_:
704
705        Recordare, Jesu pie,
706        Quod sum causa tuae viae.
707        Ne me perdas illa die.
708
709    Pray remember, sacred Savior,
710    Whose the thoughtless hand that gave your
711    Death-blow.  Pardon such behavior.
712
713BELLADONNA, n.  In Italian a beautiful lady; in English a deadly 
714poison.  A striking example of the essential identity of the two 
715tongues.
716
717BENEDICTINES, n.  An order of monks otherwise known as black friars.
718
719    She thought it a crow, but it turn out to be
720        A monk of St. Benedict croaking a text.
721    "Here's one of an order of cooks," said she --
722        "Black friars in this world, fried black in the next."
723                                   "The Devil on Earth" (London, 1712)
724
725BENEFACTOR, n.  One who makes heavy purchases of ingratitude, without, 
726however, materially affecting the price, which is still within the 
727means of all.
728
729BERENICE'S HAIR, n.  A constellation (_Coma Berenices_) named in honor 
730of one who sacrificed her hair to save her husband.
731
732    Her locks an ancient lady gave
733    Her loving husband's life to save;
734    And men -- they honored so the dame --
735    Upon some stars bestowed her name.
736
737    But to our modern married fair,
738    Who'd give their lords to save their hair,
739    No stellar recognition's given.
740    There are not stars enough in heaven.
741                                                                  G.J.
742
743BIGAMY, n.  A mistake in taste for which the wisdom of the future will 
744adjudge a punishment called trigamy.
745
746BIGOT, n.  One who is obstinately and zealously attached to an opinion 
747that you do not entertain.
748
749BILLINGSGATE, n.  The invective of an opponent.
750
751BIRTH, n.  The first and direst of all disasters.  As to the nature of 
752it there appears to be no uniformity.  Castor and Pollux were born 
753from the egg.  Pallas came out of a skull.  Galatea was once a block 
754of stone.  Peresilis, who wrote in the tenth century, avers that he 
755grew up out of the ground where a priest had spilled holy water.  It 
756is known that Arimaxus was derived from a hole in the earth, made by a 
757stroke of lightning.  Leucomedon was the son of a cavern in Mount 
758Aetna, and I have myself seen a man come out of a wine cellar.
759
760BLACKGUARD, n.  A man whose qualities, prepared for display like a box 
761of berries in a market -- the fine ones on top -- have been opened on 
762the wrong side.  An inverted gentleman.
763
764BLANK-VERSE, n.  Unrhymed iambic pentameters -- the most difficult 
765kind of English verse to write acceptably; a kind, therefore, much 
766affected by those who cannot acceptably write any kind.
767
768BODY-SNATCHER, n.  A robber of grave-worms.  One who supplies the 
769young physicians with that with which the old physicians have supplied 
770the undertaker.  The hyena.
771
772    "One night," a doctor said, "last fall,
773    I and my comrades, four in all,
774        When visiting a graveyard stood
775    Within the shadow of a wall.
776
777    "While waiting for the moon to sink
778    We saw a wild hyena slink
779        About a new-made grave, and then
780    Begin to excavate its brink!
781
782    "Shocked by the horrid act, we made
783    A sally from our ambuscade,
784        And, falling on the unholy beast,
785    Dispatched him with a pick and spade."
786                                                      Bettel K. Jhones
787
788BONDSMAN, n.  A fool who, having property of his own, undertakes to 
789become responsible for that entrusted to another to a third.
790    Philippe of Orleans wishing to appoint one of his favorites, a 
791dissolute nobleman, to a high office, asked him what security he would 
792be able to give.  "I need no bondsmen," he replied, "for I can give 
793you my word of honor."  "And pray what may be the value of that?" 
794inquired the amused Regent.  "Monsieur, it is worth its weight in 
795gold."
796
797BORE, n.  A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
798
799BOTANY, n.  The science of vegetables -- those that are not good to 
800eat, as well as those that are.  It deals largely with their flowers, 
801which are commonly badly designed, inartistic in color, and ill- 
802smelling.
803
804BOTTLE-NOSED, adj.  Having a nose created in the image of its maker.
805
806BOUNDARY, n.  In political geography, an imaginary line between two 
807nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary 
808rights of the other.
809
810BOUNTY, n.  The liberality of one who has much, in permitting one who 
811has nothing to get all that he can.
812
813        A single swallow, it is said, devours ten millions of insects 
814    every year.  The supplying of these insects I take to be a signal 
815    instance of the Creator's bounty in providing for the lives of His 
816    creatures.
817                                                    Henry Ward Beecher
818
819BRAHMA, n.  He who created the Hindoos, who are preserved by Vishnu 
820and destroyed by Siva -- a rather neater division of labor than is 
821found among the deities of some other nations.  The Abracadabranese, 
822for example, are created by Sin, maintained by Theft and destroyed by 
823Folly.  The priests of Brahma, like those of Abracadabranese, are holy 
824and learned men who are never naughty.
825
826    O Brahma, thou rare old Divinity,
827    First Person of the Hindoo Trinity,
828    You sit there so calm and securely,
829    With feet folded up so demurely --
830    You're the First Person Singular, surely.
831                                                        Polydore Smith
832
833BRAIN, n. An apparatus with which we think what we think.  That which 
834distinguishes the man who is content to _be_ something from the man 
835who wishes to _do_ something.  A man of great wealth, or one who has 
836been pitchforked into high station, has commonly such a headful of 
837brain that his neighbors cannot keep their hats on.  In our 
838civilization, and under our republican form of government, brain is so 
839highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of 
840office.
841
842BRANDY, n.  A cordial composed of one part thunder-and-lightning, one 
843part remorse, two parts bloody murder, one part death-hell-and-the- 
844grave and four parts clarified Satan.  Dose, a headful all the time.  
845Brandy is said by Dr. Johnson to be the drink of heroes.  Only a hero 
846will venture to drink it.
847
848BRIDE, n.  A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
849
850BRUTE, n.  See HUSBAND.
851
852
853                                  C
854
855
856CAABA, n.  A large stone presented by the archangel Gabriel to the 
857patriarch Abraham, and preserved at Mecca.  The patriarch had perhaps 
858asked the archangel for bread.
859
860CABBAGE, n.  A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and 
861wise as a man's head.
862    The cabbage is so called from Cabagius, a prince who on ascending 
863the throne issued a decree appointing a High Council of Empire 
864consisting of the members of his predecessor's Ministry and the 
865cabbages in the royal garden.  When any of his Majesty's measures of 
866state policy miscarried conspicuously it was gravely announced that 
867several members of the High Council had been beheaded, and his 
868murmuring subjects were appeased.
869
870CALAMITY, n.  A more than commonly plain and unmistakable reminder 
871that the affairs of this life are not of our own ordering.  Calamities 
872are of two kinds:  misfortune to ourselves, and good fortune to 
873others.
874
875CALLOUS, adj.  Gifted with great fortitude to bear the evils 
876afflicting another.
877    When Zeno was told that one of his enemies was no more he was 
878observed to be deeply moved.  "What!" said one of his disciples, "you 
879weep at the death of an enemy?"  "Ah, 'tis true," replied the great 
880Stoic; "but you should see me smile at the death of a friend."
881
882CALUMNUS, n.  A graduate of the School for Scandal.
883
884CAMEL, n.  A quadruped (the _Splaypes humpidorsus_) of great value to 
885the show business.  There are two kinds of camels -- the camel proper 
886and the camel improper.  It is the latter that is always exhibited.
887
888CANNIBAL, n.  A gastronome of the old school who preserves the simple 
889tastes and adheres to the natural diet of the pre-pork period.
890
891CANNON, n.  An instrument employed in the rectification of national 
892boundaries.
893
894CANONICALS, n.  The motley worm by Jesters of the Court of Heaven.
895
896CAPITAL, n.  The seat of misgovernment.  That which provides the fire, 
897the pot, the dinner, the table and the knife and fork for the 
898anarchist; the part of the repast that himself supplies is the 
899disgrace before meat.  _Capital Punishment_, a penalty regarding the 
900justice and expediency of which many worthy persons -- including all 
901the assassins -- entertain grave misgivings.
902
903CARMELITE, n.  A mendicant friar of the order of Mount Carmel.
904
905    As Death was a-rising out one day,
906    Across Mount Camel he took his way,
907        Where he met a mendicant monk,
908        Some three or four quarters drunk,
909    With a holy leer and a pious grin,
910    Ragged and fat and as saucy as sin,
911        Who held out his hands and cried:
912    "Give, give in Charity's name, I pray.
913    Give in the name of the Church.  O give,
914    Give that her holy sons may live!"
915        And Death replied,
916        Smiling long and wide:
917        "I'll give, holy father, I'll give thee -- a ride."
918
919        With a rattle and bang
920        Of his bones, he sprang
921    From his famous Pale Horse, with his spear;
922        By the neck and the foot
923        Seized the fellow, and put
924    Him astride with his face to the rear.
925
926    The Monarch laughed loud with a sound that fell
927    Like clods on the coffin's sounding shell:
928    "Ho, ho!  A beggar on horseback, they say,
929        Will ride to the devil!" -- and _thump_
930        Fell the flat of his dart on the rump
931    Of the charger, which galloped away.
932
933    Faster and faster and faster it flew,
934    Till the rocks and the flocks and the trees that grew
935    By the road were dim and blended and blue
936        To the wild, wild eyes
937        Of the rider -- in size
938        Resembling a couple of blackberry pies.
939    Death laughed again, as a tomb might laugh
940        At a burial service spoiled,
941        And the mourners' intentions foiled
942        By the body erecting
943        Its head and objecting
944    To further proceedings in its behalf.
945
946    Many a year and many a day
947    Have passed since these events away.
948    The monk has long been a dusty corse,
949    And Death has never recovered his horse.
950        For the friar got hold of its tail,
951        And steered it within the pale
952    Of the monastery gray,
953    Where the beast was stabled and fed
954    With barley and oil and bread
955    Till fatter it grew than the fattest friar,
956    And so in due course was appointed Prior.
957                                                                  G.J.
958
959CARNIVOROUS, adj.  Addicted to the cruelty of devouring the timorous 
960vegetarian, his heirs and assigns.
961
962CARTESIAN, adj.  Relating to Descartes, a famous philosopher, author 
963of the celebrated dictum, _Cogito ergo sum_ -- whereby he was pleased 
964to suppose he demonstrated the reality of human existence.  The dictum 
965might be improved, however, thus:  _Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum_ -- 
966"I think that I think, therefore I think that I am;" as close an 
967approach to certainty as any philosopher has yet made.
968
969CAT, n.  A soft, indestructible automaton provided by nature to be 
970kicked when things go wrong in the domestic circle.
971
972    This is a dog,
973        This is a cat.
974    This is a frog,
975        This is a rat.
976    Run, dog, mew, cat.
977    Jump, frog, gnaw, rat.
978                                                             Elevenson
979
980CAVILER, n.  A critic of our own work.
981
982CEMETERY, n.  An isolated suburban spot where mourners match lies, 
983poets write at a target and stone-cutters spell for a wager.  The 
984inscriptions following will serve to illustrate the success attained 
985in these Olympian games:
986
987        His virtues were so conspicuous that his enemies, unable to 
988    overlook them, denied them, and his friends, to whose loose lives 
989    they were a rebuke, represented them as vices.  They are here 
990    commemorated by his family, who shared them.
991
992        In the earth we here prepare a
993        Place to lay our little Clara.
994                                             Thomas M. and Mary Frazer
995        P.S. -- Gabriel will raise her.
996
997CENTAUR, n.  One of a race of persons who lived before the division of 
998labor had been carried to such a pitch of differentiation, and who 
999followed the primitive economic maxim, "Every man his own horse."  The 
1000best of the lot was Chiron, who to the wisdom and virtues of the horse 
1001added the fleetness of man.  The scripture story of the head of John 
1002the Baptist on a charger shows that pagan myths have somewhat 
1003sophisticated sacred history.
1004
1005CERBERUS, n.  The watch-dog of Hades, whose duty it was to guard the 
1006entrance -- against whom or what does not clearly appear; everybody, 
1007sooner or later, had to go there, and nobody wanted to carry off the 
1008entrance.  Cerberus is known to have had three heads, and some of the 
1009poets have credited him with as many as a hundred.  Professor 
1010Graybill, whose clerky erudition and profound knowledge of Greek give 
1011his opinion great weight, has averaged all the estimates, and makes 
1012the number twenty-seven -- a judgment that would be entirely 
1013conclusive is Professor Graybill had known (a) something about dogs, 
1014and (b) something about arithmetic.
1015
1016CHILDHOOD, n.  The period of human life intermediate between the 
1017idiocy of infancy and the folly of youth -- two removes from the sin 
1018of manhood and three from the remorse of age.
1019
1020CHRISTIAN, n.  One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely 
1021inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor.  
1022One who follows the teachings of Christ in so far as they are not 
1023inconsistent with a life of sin.
1024
1025    I dreamed I stood upon a hill, and, lo!
1026    The godly multitudes walked to and fro
1027    Beneath, in Sabbath garments fitly clad,
1028    With pious mien, appropriately sad,
1029    While all the church bells made a solemn din --
1030    A fire-alarm to those who lived in sin.
1031    Then saw I gazing thoughtfully below,
1032    With tranquil face, upon that holy show
1033    A tall, spare figure in a robe of white,
1034    Whose eyes diffused a melancholy light.
1035    "God keep you, strange," I exclaimed.  "You are
1036    No doubt (your habit shows it) from afar;
1037    And yet I entertain the hope that you,
1038    Like these good people, are a Christian too."
1039    He raised his eyes and with a look so stern
1040    It made me with a thousand blushes burn
1041    Replied -- his manner with disdain was spiced:
1042    "What!  I a Christian?  No, indeed!  I'm Christ."
1043                                                                  G.J.
1044
1045CIRCUS, n.  A place where horses, ponies and elephants are permitted 
1046to see men, women and children acting the fool.
1047
1048CLAIRVOYANT, n.  A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of 
1049seeing that which is invisible to her patron, namely, that he is a 
1050blockhead.
1051
1052CLARIONET, n.  An instrument of torture operated by a person with 
1053cotton in his ears.  There are two instruments that are worse than a 
1054clarionet -- two clarionets.
1055
1056CLERGYMAN, n.  A man who undertakes the management of our spiritual 
1057affairs as a method of better his temporal ones.
1058
1059CLIO, n.  One of the nine Muses.  Clio's function was to preside over 
1060history -- which she did with great dignity, many of the prominent 
1061citizens of Athens occupying seats on the platform, the meetings being 
1062addressed by Messrs. Xenophon, Herodotus and other popular speakers.
1063
1064CLOCK, n.  A machine of great moral value to man, allaying his concern 
1065for the future by reminding him what a lot of time remains to him.
1066
1067    A busy man complained one day:
1068    "I get no time!"  "What's that you say?"
1069    Cried out his friend, a lazy quiz;
1070    "You have, sir, all the time there is.
1071    There's plenty, too, and don't you doubt it --
1072    We're never for an hour without it."
1073                                                          Purzil Crofe
1074
1075CLOSE-FISTED, adj.  Unduly desirous of keeping that which many 
1076meritorious persons wish to obtain.
1077
1078    "Close-fisted Scotchman!" Johnson cried
1079        To thrifty J. Macpherson;
1080    "See me -- I'm ready to divide
1081        With any worthy person."
1082    Sad Jamie:  "That is very true --
1083        The boast requires no backing;
1084    And all are worthy, sir, to you,
1085        Who have what you are lacking."
1086                                                         Anita M. Bobe
1087
1088COENOBITE, n.  A man who piously shuts himself up to meditate upon the 
1089sin of wickedness; and to keep it fresh in his mind joins a 
1090brotherhood of awful examples.
1091
1092    O Coenobite, O coenobite,
1093        Monastical gregarian,
1094    You differ from the anchorite,
1095        That solitudinarian:
1096    With vollied prayers you wound Old Nick;
1097    With dropping shots he makes him sick.
1098                                                          Quincy Giles
1099
1100COMFORT, n.  A state of mind produced by contemplation of a neighbor's 
1101uneasiness.
1102
1103COMMENDATION, n.  The tribute that we pay to achievements that 
1104resembles, but do not equal, our own.
1105
1106COMMERCE, n.  A kind of transaction in which A plunders from B the 
1107goods of C, and for compensation B picks the pocket of D of money 
1108belonging to E.
1109
1110COMMONWEALTH, n.  An administrative entity operated by an incalculable 
1111multitude of political parasites, logically active but fortuitously 
1112efficient.
1113
1114    This commonwealth's capitol's corridors view,
1115    So thronged with a hungry and indolent crew
1116    Of clerks, pages, porters and all attaches
1117    Whom rascals appoint and the populace pays
1118    That a cat cannot slip through the thicket of shins
1119    Nor hear its own shriek for the noise of their chins.
1120    On clerks and on pages, and porters, and all,
1121    Misfortune attend and disaster befall!
1122    May life be to them a succession of hurts;
1123    May fleas by the bushel inhabit their shirts;
1124    May aches and diseases encamp in their bones,
1125    Their lungs full of tubercles, bladders of stones;
1126    May microbes, bacilli, their tissues infest,
1127    And tapeworms securely their bowels digest;
1128    May corn-cobs be snared without hope in their hair,
1129    And frequent impalement their pleasure impair.
1130    Disturbed be their dreams by the awful discourse
1131    Of audible sofas sepulchrally hoarse,
1132    By chairs acrobatic and wavering floors --
1133    The mattress that kicks and the pillow that snores!
1134    Sons of cupidity, cradled in sin!
1135    Your criminal ranks may the death angel thin,
1136    Avenging the friend whom I couldn't work in.
1137                                                                  K.Q.
1138
1139COMPROMISE, n.  Such an adjustment of conflicting interests as gives 
1140each adversary the satisfaction of thinking he has got what he ought 
1141not to have, and is deprived of nothing except what was justly his 
1142due.
1143
1144COMPULSION, n.  The eloquence of power.
1145
1146CONDOLE, v.i.  To show that bereavement is a smaller evil than 
1147sympathy.
1148
1149CONFIDANT, CONFIDANTE, n.  One entrusted by A with the secrets of B, 
1150confided by _him_ to C.
1151
1152CONGRATULATION, n.  The civility of envy.
1153
1154CONGRESS, n.  A body of men who meet to repeal laws.
1155
1156CONNOISSEUR, n.  A specialist who knows everything about something and 
1157nothing about anything else.
1158    An old wine-bibber having been smashed in a railway collision, 
1159some wine was pouted on his lips to revive him.  "Pauillac, 1873," he 
1160murmured and died.
1161
1162CONSERVATIVE, n.  A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as 
1163distinguished from the Liberal, who wishes to replace them with 
1164others.
1165
1166CONSOLATION, n.  The knowledge that a better man is more unfortunate 
1167than yourself.
1168
1169CONSUL, n.  In American politics, a person who having failed to secure 
1170and office from the people is given one by the Administration on 
1171condition that he leave the country.
1172
1173CONSULT, v.i.  To seek another's disapproval of a course already 
1174decided on.
1175
1176CONTEMPT, n.  The feeling of a prudent man for an enemy who is too 
1177formidable safely to be opposed.
1178
1179CONTROVERSY, n.  A battle in which spittle or ink replaces the 
1180injurious cannon-ball and the inconsiderate bayonet.
1181
1182    In controversy with the facile tongue --
1183    That bloodless warfare of the old and young --
1184    So seek your adversary to engage
1185    That on himself he shall exhaust his rage,
1186    And, like a snake that's fastened to the ground,
1187    With his own fangs inflict the fatal wound.
1188    You ask me how this miracle is done?
1189    Adopt his own opinions, one by one,
1190    And taunt him to refute them; in his wrath
1191    He'll sweep them pitilessly from his path.
1192    Advance then gently all you wish to prove,
1193    Each proposition prefaced with, "As you've
1194    So well remarked," or, "As you wisely say,
1195    And I cannot dispute," or, "By the way,
1196    This view of it which, better far expressed,
1197    Runs through your argument."  Then leave the rest
1198    To him, secure that he'll perform his trust
1199    And prove your views intelligent and just.
1200                                                    Conmore Apel Brune
1201
1202CONVENT, n.  A place of retirement for woman who wish for leisure to 
1203meditate upon the vice of idleness.
1204
1205CONVERSATION, n.  A fair to the display of the minor mental 
1206commodities, each exhibitor being too intent upon the arrangement of 
1207his own wares to observe those of his neighbor.
1208
1209CORONATION, n.  The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward 
1210and visible signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a 
1211dynamite bomb.
1212
1213CORPORAL, n.  A man who occupies the lowest rung of the military 
1214ladder.
1215
1216    Fiercely the battle raged and, sad to tell,
1217    Our corporal heroically fell!
1218    Fame from her height looked down upon the brawl
1219    And said:  "He hadn't very far to fall."
1220                                                         Giacomo Smith
1221
1222CORPORATION, n.  An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit 
1223without individual responsibility.
1224
1225CORSAIR, n.  A politician of the seas.
1226
1227COURT FOOL, n.  The plaintiff.
1228
1229COWARD, n.  One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.
1230
1231CRAYFISH, n.  A small crustacean very much resembling the lobster, but 
1232less indigestible.
1233
1234        In this small fish I take it that human wisdom is admirably 
1235    figured and symbolized; for whereas the crayfish doth move only 
1236    backward, and can have only retrospection, seeing naught but the 
1237    perils already passed, so the wisdom of man doth not enable him to 
1238    avoid the follies that beset his course, but only to apprehend 
1239    their nature afterward.
1240                                                    Sir James Merivale
1241
1242CREDITOR, n.  One of a tribe of savages dwelling beyond the Financial 
1243Straits and dreaded for their desolating incursions.
1244
1245CREMONA, n.  A high-priced violin made in Connecticut.
1246
1247CRITIC, n.  A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody 
1248tries to please him.
1249
1250    There is a land of pure delight,
1251        Beyond the Jordan's flood,
1252    Where saints, apparelled all in white,
1253        Fling back the critic's mud.
1254
1255    And as he legs it through the skies,
1256        His pelt a sable hue,
1257    He sorrows sore to recognize
1258        The missiles that he threw.
1259                                                            Orrin Goof
1260
1261CROSS, n.  An ancient religious symbol erroneously supposed to owe its 
1262significance to the most solemn event in the history of Christianity, 
1263but really antedating it by thousands of years.  By many it has been 
1264believed to be identical with the _crux ansata_ of the ancient phallic 
1265worship, but it has been traced even beyond all that we know of that, 
1266to the rites of primitive peoples.  We have to-day the White Cross as 
1267a symbol of chastity, and the Red Cross as a badge of benevolent 
1268neutrality in war.  Having in mind the former, the reverend Father 
1269Gassalasca Jape smites the lyre to the effect following:
1270
1271    "Be good, be good!" the sisterhood
1272        Cry out in holy chorus,
1273    And, to dissuade from sin, parade
1274        Their various charms before us.
1275
1276    But why, O why, has ne'er an eye
1277        Seen her of winsome manner
1278    And youthful grace and pretty face
1279        Flaunting the White Cross banner?
1280
1281    Now where's the need of speech and screed
1282        To better our behaving?
1283    A simpler plan for saving man
1284        (But, first, is he worth saving?)
1285
1286    Is, dears, when he declines to flee
1287        From bad thoughts that beset him,
1288    Ignores the Law as 't were a straw,
1289        And wants to sin -- don't let him.
1290
1291CUI BONO?  [Latin]  What good would that do _me_?
1292
1293CUNNING, n.  The faculty that distinguishes a weak animal or person 
1294from a strong one.  It brings its possessor much mental satisfaction 
1295and great material adversity.  An Italian proverb says:  "The furrier 
1296gets the skins of more foxes than asses."
1297
1298CUPID, n.  The so-called god of love.  This bastard creation of a 
1299barbarous fancy was no doubt inflicted upon mythology for the sins of 
1300its deities.  Of all unbeautiful and inappropriate conceptions this is 
1301the most reasonless and offensive.  The notion of symbolizing sexual 
1302love by a semisexless babe, and comparing the pains of passion to the 
1303wounds of an arrow -- of introducing this pudgy homunculus into art 
1304grossly to materialize the subtle spirit and suggestion of the work -- 
1305this is eminently worthy of the age that, giving it birth, laid it on 
1306the doorstep of prosperity.
1307
1308CURIOSITY, n.  An objectionable quality of the female mind.  The 
1309desire to know whether or not a woman is cursed with curiosity is one 
1310of the most active and insatiable passions of the masculine soul.
1311
1312CURSE, v.t.  Energetically to belabor with a verbal slap-stick.  This 
1313is an operation which in literature, particularly in the drama, is 
1314commonly fatal to the victim.  Nevertheless, the liability to a 
1315cursing is a risk that cuts but a small figure in fixing the rates of 
1316life insurance.
1317
1318CYNIC, n.  A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, 
1319not as they ought to be.  Hence the custom among the Scythians of 
1320plucking out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision.
1321
1322
1323                                  D
1324
1325
1326DAMN, v.  A word formerly much used by the Paphlagonians, the meaning 
1327of which is lost.  By the learned Dr. Dolabelly Gak it is believed to 
1328have been a term of satisfaction, implying the highest possible degree 
1329of mental tranquillity.  Professor Groke, on the contrary, thinks it 
1330expressed an emotion of tumultuous delight, because it so frequently 
1331occurs in combination with the word _jod_ or _god_, meaning "joy."  It 
1332would be with great diffidence that I should advance an opinion 
1333conflicting with that of either of these formidable authorities.
1334
1335DANCE, v.i.  To leap about to the sound of tittering music, preferably 
1336with arms about your neighbor's wife or daughter.  There are many 
1337kinds of dances, but all those requiring the participation of the two 
1338sexes have two characteristics in common:  they are conspicuously 
1339innocent, and warmly loved by the vicious.
1340
1341DANGER, n.
1342
1343    A savage beast which, when it sleeps,
1344        Man girds at and despises,
1345    But takes himself away by leaps
1346        And bounds when it arises.
1347                                                          Ambat Delaso
1348
1349DARING, n.  One of the most conspicuous qualities of a man in 
1350security.
1351
1352DATARY, n.  A high ecclesiastic official of the Roman Catholic Church, 
1353whose important function is to brand the Pope's bulls with the words 
1354_Datum Romae_.  He enjoys a princely revenue and the friendship of 
1355God.
1356
1357DAWN, n.  The time when men of reason go to bed.  Certain old men 
1358prefer to rise at about that time, taking a cold bath and a long walk 
1359with an empty stomach, and otherwise mortifying the flesh.  They then 
1360point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy 
1361health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old, 
1362not because of their habits, but in spite of them.  The reason we find 
1363only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the 
1364others who have tried it.
1365
1366DAY, n.  A period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent.  This period 
1367is divided into two parts, the day proper and the night, or day 
1368improper -- the former devoted to sins of business, the latter 
1369consecrated to the other sort.  These two kinds of social activity 
1370overlap.
1371
1372DEAD, adj.
1373
1374    Done with the work of breathing; done
1375    With all the world; the mad race run
1376    Though to the end; the golden goal
1377    Attained and found to be a hole!
1378                                                        Squatol Johnes
1379
1380DEBAUCHEE, n.  One who has so earnestly pursued pleasure that he has 
1381had the misfortune to overtake it.
1382
1383DEBT, n.  An ingenious substitute for the chain and whip of the slave- 
1384driver.
1385
1386    As, pent in an aquarium, the troutlet
1387    Swims round and round his tank to find an outlet,
1388    Pressing his nose against the glass that holds him,
1389    Nor ever sees the prison that enfolds him;
1390    So the poor debtor, seeing naught around him,
1391    Yet feels the narrow limits that impound him,
1392    Grieves at his debt and studies to evade it,
1393    And finds at last he might as well have paid it.
1394                                                        Barlow S. Vode
1395
1396DECALOGUE, n.  A series of commandments, ten in number -- just enough 
1397to permit an intelligent selection for observance, but not enough to 
1398embarrass the choice.  Following is the revised edition of the 
1399Decalogue, calculated for this meridian.
1400
1401    Thou shalt no God but me adore:
1402    'Twere too expensive to have more.
1403
1404    No images nor idols make
1405    For Robert Ingersoll to break.
1406
1407    Take not God's name in vain; select
1408    A time when it will have effect.
1409
1410    Work not on Sabbath days at all,
1411    But go to see the teams play ball.
1412
1413    Honor thy parents.  That creates
1414    For life insurance lower rates.
1415
1416    Kill not, abet not those who kill;
1417    Thou shalt not pay thy butcher's bill.
1418
1419    Kiss not thy neighbor's wife, unless
1420    Thine own thy neighbor doth caress
1421
1422    Don't steal; thou'lt never thus compete
1423    Successfully in business.  Cheat.
1424
1425    Bear not false witness -- that is low --
1426    But "hear 'tis rumored so and so."
1427
1428    Cover thou naught that thou hast not
1429    By hook or crook, or somehow, got.
1430                                                                  G.J.
1431
1432DECIDE, v.i.  To succumb to the preponderance of one set of influences 
1433over another set.
1434
1435    A leaf was riven from a tree,
1436    "I mean to fall to earth," said he.
1437
1438    The west wind, rising, made him veer.
1439    "Eastward," said he, "I now shall steer."
1440
1441    The east wind rose with greater force.
1442    Said he:  "'Twere wise to change my course."
1443
1444    With equal power they contend.
1445    He said:  "My judgment I suspend."
1446
1447    Down died the winds; the leaf, elate,
1448    Cried:  "I've decided to fall straight."
1449
1450    "First thoughts are best?"  That's not the moral;
1451    Just choose your own and we'll not quarrel.
1452
1453    Howe'er your choice may chance to fall,
1454    You'll have no hand in it at all.
1455                                                                  G.J.
1456
1457DEFAME, v.t.  To lie about another.  To tell the truth about another.
1458
1459DEFENCELESS, adj.  Unable to attack.
1460
1461DEGENERATE, adj.  Less conspicuously admirable than one's ancestors.  
1462The contemporaries of Homer were striking examples of degeneracy; it 
1463required ten of them to raise a rock or a riot that one of the heroes 
1464of the Trojan war could have raised with ease.  Homer never tires of 
1465sneering at "men who live in these degenerate days," which is perhaps 
1466why they suffered him to beg his bread -- a marked instance of 
1467returning good for evil, by the way, for if they had forbidden him he 
1468would certainly have starved.
1469
1470DEGRADATION, n.  One of the stages of moral and social progress from 
1471private station to political preferment.
1472
1473DEINOTHERIUM, n.  An extinct pachyderm that flourished when the 
1474Pterodactyl was in fashion.  The latter was a native of Ireland, its 
1475name being pronounced Terry Dactyl or Peter O'Dactyl, as the man 
1476pronouncing it may chance to have heard it spoken or seen it printed.
1477
1478DEJEUNER, n.  The breakfast of an American who has been in Paris.  
1479Variously pronounced.
1480
1481DELEGATION, n.  In American politics, an article of merchandise that 
1482comes in sets.
1483
1484DELIBERATION, n.  The act of examining one's bread to determine which 
1485side it is buttered on.
1486
1487DELUGE, n.  A notable first experiment in baptism which washed away 
1488the sins (and sinners) of the world.
1489
1490DELUSION, n.  The father of a most respectable family, comprising 
1491Enthusiasm, Affection, Self-denial, Faith, Hope, Charity and many 
1492other goodly sons and daughters.
1493
1494    All hail, Delusion!  Were it not for thee
1495    The world turned topsy-turvy we should see;
1496    For Vice, respectable with cleanly fancies,
1497    Would fly abandoned Virtue's gross advances.
1498                                                        Mumfrey Mappel
1499
1500DENTIST, n.  A prestidigitator who, putting metal into your mouth, 
1501pulls coins out of your pocket.
1502
1503DEPENDENT, adj.  Reliant upon another's generosity for the support 
1504which you are not in a position to exact from his fears.
1505
1506DEPUTY, n.  A male relative of an office-holder, or of his bondsman.  
1507The deputy is commonly a beautiful young man, with a red necktie and 
1508an intricate system of cobwebs extending from his nose to his desk.  
1509When accidentally struck by the janitor's broom, he gives off a cloud 
1510of dust.
1511
1512    "Chief Deputy," the Master cried,
1513    "To-day the books are to be tried
1514    By experts and accountants who
1515    Have been commissioned to go through
1516    Our office here, to see if we
1517    Have stolen injudiciously.
1518    Please have the proper entries made,
1519    The proper balances displayed,
1520    Conforming to the whole amount
1521    Of cash on hand -- which they will count.
1522    I've long admired your punctual way --
1523    Here at the break and close of day,
1524    Confronting in your chair the crowd
1525    Of business men, whose voices loud
1526    And gestures violent you quell
1527    By some mysterious, calm spell --
1528    Some magic lurking in your look
1529    That brings the noisiest to book
1530    And spreads a holy and profound
1531    Tranquillity o'er all around.
1532    So orderly all's done that they
1533    Who came to draw remain to pay.
1534    But now the time demands, at last,
1535    That you employ your genius vast
1536    In energies more active.  Rise
1537    And shake the lightnings from your eyes;
1538    Inspire your underlings, and fling
1539    Your spirit into everything!"
1540    The Master's hand here dealt a whack
1541    Upon the Deputy's bent back,
1542    When straightway to the floor there fell
1543    A shrunken globe, a rattling shell
1544    A blackened, withered, eyeless head!
1545    The man had been a twelvemonth dead.
1546                                                       Jamrach Holobom
1547
1548DESTINY, n.  A tyrant's authority for crime and fool's excuse for 
1549failure.
1550
1551DIAGNOSIS, n.  A physician's forecast of the disease by the patient's 
1552pulse and purse.
1553
1554DIAPHRAGM, n.  A muscular partition separating disorders of the chest 
1555from disorders of the bowels.
1556
1557DIARY, n.  A daily record of that part of one's life, which he can 
1558relate to himself without blushing.
1559
1560    Hearst kept a diary wherein were writ
1561    All that he had of wisdom and of wit.
1562    So the Recording Angel, when Hearst died,
1563    Erased all entries of his own and cried:
1564    "I'll judge you by your diary."  Said Hearst:
1565    "Thank you; 'twill show you I am Saint the First" --
1566    Straightway producing, jubilant and proud,
1567    That record from a pocket in his shroud.
1568    The Angel slowly turned the pages o'er,
1569    Each stupid line of which he knew before,
1570    Glooming and gleaming as by turns he hit
1571    On Shallow sentiment and stolen wit;
1572    Then gravely closed the book and gave it back.
1573    "My friend, you've wandered from your proper track:
1574    You'd never be content this side the tomb --
1575    For big ideas Heaven has little room,
1576    And Hell's no latitude for making mirth,"
1577    He said, and kicked the fellow back to earth.
1578                                                 "The Mad Philosopher"
1579
1580DICTATOR, n.  The chief of a nation that prefers the pestilence of 
1581despotism to the plague of anarchy.
1582
1583DICTIONARY, n.  A malevolent literary device for cramping the growth 
1584of a language and making it hard and inelastic.  This dictionary, 
1585however, is a most useful work.
1586
1587DIE, n.  The singular of "dice."  We seldom hear the word, because 
1588there is a prohibitory proverb, "Never say die."  At long intervals, 
1589however, some one says:  "The die is cast," which is not true, for it 
1590is cut.  The word is found in an immortal couplet by that eminent poet 
1591and domestic economist, Senator Depew:
1592
1593    A cube of cheese no larger than a die
1594    May bait the trap to catch a nibbling mie.
1595
1596DIGESTION, n.  The conversion of victuals into virtues.  When the 
1597process is imperfect, vices are evolved instead -- a circumstance from 
1598which that wicked writer, Dr. Jeremiah Blenn, infers that the ladies 
1599are the greater sufferers from dyspepsia.
1600
1601DIPLOMACY, n.  The patriotic art of lying for one's country.
1602
1603DISABUSE, v.t.  The present your neighbor with another and better 
1604error than the one which he has deemed it advantageous to embrace.
1605
1606DISCRIMINATE, v.i.  To note the particulars in which one person or 
1607thing is, if possible, more objectionable than another.
1608
1609DISCUSSION, n.  A method of confirming others in their errors.
1610
1611DISOBEDIENCE, n.  The silver lining to the cloud of servitude.
1612
1613DISOBEY, v.t.  To celebrate with an appropriate ceremony the maturity 
1614of a command.
1615
1616    His right to govern me is clear as day,
1617    My duty manifest to disobey;
1618    And if that fit observance e'er I shut
1619    May I and duty be alike undone.
1620                                                         Israfel Brown
1621
1622DISSEMBLE, v.i.  To put a clean shirt upon the character.
1623
1624    Let us dissemble.
1625                                                                  Adam
1626
1627DISTANCE, n.  The only thing that the rich are willing for the poor to 
1628call theirs, and keep.
1629
1630DISTRESS, n.  A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a 
1631friend.
1632
1633DIVINATION, n.  The art of nosing out the occult.  Divination is of as 
1634many kinds as there are fruit-bearing varieties of the flowering dunce 
1635and the early fool.
1636
1637DOG, n.  A kind of additional or subsidiary Deity designed to catch 
1638the overflow and surplus of the world's worship.  This Divine Being in 
1639some of his smaller and silkier incarnations takes, in the affection 
1640of Woman, the place to which there is no human male aspirant.  The Dog 
1641is a survival -- an anachronism.  He toils not, neither does he spin, 
1642yet Solomon in all his glory never lay upon a door-mat all day long, 
1643sun-soaked and fly-fed and fat, while his master worked for the means 
1644wherewith to purchase the idle wag of the Solomonic tail, seasoned 
1645with a look of tolerant recognition.
1646
1647DRAGOON, n.  A soldier who combines dash and steadiness in so equal 
1648measure that he makes his advances on foot and his retreats on 
1649horseback.
1650
1651DRAMATIST, n.  One who adapts plays from the French.
1652
1653DRUIDS, n.  Priests and ministers of an ancient Celtic religion which 
1654did not disdain to employ the humble allurement of human sacrifice.  
1655Very little is now known about the Druids and their faith.  Pliny says 
1656their religion, originating in Britain, spread eastward as far as 
1657Persia.  Caesar says those who desired to study its mysteries went to 
1658Britain.  Caesar himself went to Britain, but does not appear to have 
1659obtained any high preferment in the Druidical Church, although his 
1660talent for human sacrifice was considerable.
1661    Druids performed their religious rites in groves, and knew nothing 
1662of church mortgages and the season-ticket system of pew rents.  They 
1663were, in short, heathens and -- as they were once complacently 
1664catalogued by a distinguished prelate of the Church of England -- 
1665Dissenters.
1666
1667DUCK-BILL, n.  Your account at your restaurant during the canvas-back 
1668season.
1669
1670DUEL, n.  A formal ceremony preliminary to the reconciliation of two 
1671enemies.  Great skill is necessary to its satisfactory observance; if 
1672awkwardly performed the most unexpected and deplorable consequences 
1673sometimes ensue.  A long time ago a man lost his life in a duel.
1674
1675    That dueling's a gentlemanly vice
1676        I hold; and wish that it had been my lot
1677        To live my life out in some favored spot --
1678    Some country where it is considered nice
1679    To split a rival like a fish, or slice
1680        A husband like a spud, or with a shot
1681        Bring down a debtor doubled in a knot
1682    And ready to be put upon the ice.
1683    Some miscreants there are, whom I do long
1684        To shoot, to stab, or some such way reclaim
1685    The scurvy rogues to better lives and manners,
1686    I seem to see them now -- a mighty throng.
1687        It looks as if to challenge _me_ they came,
1688    Jauntily marching with brass bands and banners!
1689                                                          Xamba Q. Dar
1690
1691DULLARD, n.  A member of the reigning dynasty in letters and life.  
1692The Dullards came in with Adam, and being both numerous and sturdy 
1693have overrun the habitable world.  The secret of their power is their 
1694insensibility to blows; tickle them with a bludgeon and they laugh 
1695with a platitude.  The Dullards came originally from Boeotia, whence 
1696they were driven by stress of starvation, their dullness having 
1697blighted the crops.  For some centuries they infested Philistia, and 
1698many of them are called Philistines to this day.  In the turbulent 
1699times of the Crusades they withdrew thence and gradually overspread 
1700all Europe, occupying most of the high places in politics, art, 
1701literature, science and theology.  Since a detachment of Dullards came 
1702over with the Pilgrims in the _Mayflower_ and made a favorable report 
1703of the country, their increase by birth, immigration, and conversion 
1704has been rapid and steady.  According to the most trustworthy 
1705statistics the number of adult Dullards in the United States is but 
1706little short of thirty millions, including the statisticians.  The 
1707intellectual centre of the race is somewhere about Peoria, Illinois, 
1708but the New England Dullard is the most shockingly moral.
1709
1710DUTY, n.  That which sternly impels us in the direction of profit, 
1711along the line of desire.
1712
1713    Sir Lavender Portwine, in favor at court,
1714    Was wroth at his master, who'd kissed Lady Port.
1715    His anger provoked him to take the king's head,
1716    But duty prevailed, and he took the king's bread,
1717            Instead.
1718                                                                  G.J.
1719
1720
1721                                  E
1722
1723
1724EAT, v.i.  To perform successively (and successfully) the functions of 
1725mastication, humectation, and deglutition.
1726    "I was in the drawing-room, enjoying my dinner," said Brillat- 
1727Savarin, beginning an anecdote.  "What!" interrupted Rochebriant; 
1728"eating dinner in a drawing-room?"  "I must beg you to observe, 
1729monsieur," explained the great gastronome, "that I did not say I was 
1730eating my dinner, but enjoying it.  I had dined an hour before."
1731
1732EAVESDROP, v.i.  Secretly to overhear a catalogue of the crimes and 
1733vices of another or yourself.
1734
1735    A lady with one of her ears applied
1736    To an open keyhole heard, inside,
1737    Two female gossips in converse free --
1738    The subject engaging them was she.
1739    "I think," said one, "and my husband thinks
1740    That she's a prying, inquisitive minx!"
1741    As soon as no more of it she could hear
1742    The lady, indignant, removed her ear.
1743    "I will not stay," she said, with a pout,
1744    "To hear my character lied about!"
1745                                                        Gopete Sherany
1746
1747ECCENTRICITY, n.  A method of distinction so cheap that fools employ 
1748it to accentuate their incapacity.
1749
1750ECONOMY, n.  Purchasing the barrel of whiskey that you do not need for 
1751the price of the cow that you cannot afford.
1752
1753EDIBLE, adj.  Good to eat, and wholesome to digest, as a worm to a 
1754toad, a toad to a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man 
1755to a worm.
1756
1757EDITOR, n.  A person who combines the judicial functions of Minos, 
1758Rhadamanthus and Aeacus, but is placable with an obolus; a severely 
1759virtuous censor, but so charitable withal that he tolerates the 
1760virtues of others and the vices of himself; who flings about him the 
1761splintering lightning and sturdy thunders of admonition till he 
1762resembles a bunch of firecrackers petulantly uttering his mind at the 
1763tail of a dog; then straightway murmurs a mild, melodious lay, soft as 
1764the cooing of a donkey intoning its prayer to the evening star.  
1765Master of mysteries and lord of law, high-pinnacled upon the throne of 
1766thought, his face suffused with the dim splendors of the 
1767Transfiguration, his legs intertwisted and his tongue a-cheek, the 
1768editor spills his will along the paper and cuts it off in lengths to 
1769suit.  And at intervals from behind the veil of the temple is heard 
1770the voice of the foreman demanding three inches of wit and six lines 
1771of religious meditation, or bidding him turn off the wisdom and whack 
1772up some pathos.
1773
1774    O, the Lord of Law on the Throne of Thought,
1775        A gilded impostor is he.
1776    Of shreds and patches his robes are wrought,
1777                His crown is brass,
1778                Himself an ass,
1779        And his power is fiddle-dee-dee.
1780    Prankily, crankily prating of naught,
1781    Silly old quilly old Monarch of Thought.
1782        Public opinion's camp-follower he,
1783        Thundering, blundering, plundering free.
1784                    Affected,
1785                        Ungracious,
1786                    Suspected,
1787                        Mendacious,
1788    Respected contemporaree!
1789                                                      J.H. Bumbleshook
1790
1791EDUCATION, n. That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the 
1792foolish their lack of understanding.
1793
1794EFFECT, n.  The second of two phenomena which always occur together in 
1795the same order.  The first, called a Cause, is said to generate the 
1796other -- which is no more sensible than it would be for one who has 
1797never seen a dog except in the pursuit of a rabbit to declare the 
1798rabbit the cause of a dog.
1799
1800EGOTIST, n.  A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in 
1801me.
1802
1803    Megaceph, chosen to serve the State
1804    In the halls of legislative debate,
1805    One day with all his credentials came
1806    To the capitol's door and announced his name.
1807    The doorkeeper looked, with a comical twist
1808    Of the face, at the eminent egotist,
1809    And said:  "Go away, for we settle here
1810    All manner of questions, knotty and queer,
1811    And we cannot have, when the speaker demands
1812    To be told how every member stands,
1813    A man who to all things under the sky
1814    Assents by eternally voting 'I'."
1815
1816EJECTION, n.  An approved remedy for the disease of garrulity.  It is 
1817also much used in cases of extreme poverty.
1818
1819ELECTOR, n.  One who enjoys the sacred privilege of voting for the man 
1820of another man's choice.
1821
1822ELECTRICITY, n.  The power that causes all natural phenomena not known 
1823to be caused by something else.  It is the same thing as lightning, 
1824and its famous attempt to strike Dr. Franklin is one of the most 
1825picturesque incidents in that great and good man's career.  The memory 
1826of Dr. Franklin is justly held in great reverence, particularly in 
1827France, where a waxen effigy of him was recently on exhibition, 
1828bearing the following touching account of his life and services to 
1829science:
1830
1831        "Monsieur Franqulin, inventor of electricity.  This 
1832    illustrious savant, after having made several voyages around the 
1833    world, died on the Sandwich Islands and was devoured by savages, 
1834    of whom not a single fragment was ever recovered."
1835
1836    Electricity seems destined to play a most important part in the 
1837arts and industries.  The question of its economical application to 
1838some purposes is still unsettled, but experiment has already proved 
1839that it will propel a street car better than a gas jet and give more 
1840light than a horse.
1841
1842ELEGY, n.  A composition in verse, in which, without employing any of 
1843the methods of humor, the writer aims to produce in the reader's mind 
1844the dampest kind of dejection.  The most famous English example begins 
1845somewhat like this:
1846
1847    The cur foretells the knell of parting day;
1848        The loafing herd winds slowly o'er the lea;
1849    The wise man homeward plods; I only stay
1850        To fiddle-faddle in a minor key.
1851
1852ELOQUENCE, n.  The art of orally persuading fools that white is the 
1853color that it appears to be.  It includes the gift of making any color 
1854appear white.
1855
1856ELYSIUM, n.  An imaginary delightful country which the ancients 
1857foolishly believed to be inhabited by the spirits of the good.  This 
1858ridiculous and mischievous fable was swept off the face of the earth 
1859by the early Christians -- may their souls be happy in Heaven!
1860
1861EMANCIPATION, n.  A bondman's change from the tyranny of another to 
1862the despotism of himself.
1863
1864    He was a slave:  at word he went and came;
1865        His iron collar cut him to the bone.
1866    Then Liberty erased his owner's name,
1867        Tightened the rivets and inscribed his own.
1868                                                                  G.J.
1869
1870EMBALM, v.i.  To cheat vegetation by locking up the gases upon which 
1871it feeds.  By embalming their dead and thereby deranging the natural 
1872balance between animal and vegetable life, the Egyptians made their 
1873once fertile and populous country barren and incapable of supporting 
1874more than a meagre crew.  The modern metallic burial casket is a step 
1875in the same direction, and many a dead man who ought now to be 
1876ornamenting his neighbor's lawn as a tree, or enriching his table as a 
1877bunch of radishes, is doomed to a long inutility.  We shall get him 
1878after awhile if we are spared, but in the meantime the violet and rose 
1879are languishing for a nibble at his _glutoeus maximus_.
1880
1881EMOTION, n.  A prostrating disease caused by a determination of the 
1882heart to the head.  It is sometimes accompanied by a copious discharge 
1883of hydrated chloride of sodium from the eyes.
1884
1885ENCOMIAST, n.  A special (but not particular) kind of liar.
1886
1887END, n.  The position farthest removed on either hand from the 
1888Interlocutor.
1889
1890    The man was perishing apace
1891        Who played the tambourine;
1892    The seal of death was on his face --
1893        'Twas pallid, for 'twas clean.
1894
1895    "This is the end," the sick man said
1896        In faint and failing tones.
1897    A moment later he was dead,
1898        And Tambourine was Bones.
1899                                                         Tinley Roquot
1900
1901ENOUGH, pro.  All there is in the world if you like it.
1902
1903    Enough is as good as a feast -- for that matter
1904    Enougher's as good as a feast for the platter.
1905                                                      Arbely C. Strunk
1906
1907ENTERTAINMENT, n.  Any kind of amusement whose inroads stop short of 
1908death by injection.
1909
1910ENTHUSIASM, n.  A distemper of youth, curable by small doses of 
1911repentance in connection with outward applications of experience.  
1912Byron, who recovered long enough to call it "entuzy-muzy," had a 
1913relapse, which carried him off -- to Missolonghi.
1914
1915ENVELOPE, n.  The coffin of a document; the scabbard of a bill; the 
1916husk of a remittance; the bed-gown of a love-letter.
1917
1918ENVY, n.  Emulation adapted to the meanest capacity.
1919
1920EPAULET, n.  An ornamented badge, serving to distinguish a military 
1921officer from the enemy -- that is to say, from the officer of lower 
1922rank to whom his death would give promotion.
1923
1924EPICURE, n.  An opponent of Epicurus, an abstemious philosopher who, 
1925holding that pleasure should be the chief aim of man, wasted no time 
1926in gratification from the senses.
1927
1928EPIGRAM, n.  A short, sharp saying in prose or verse, frequently 
1929characterize by acidity or acerbity and sometimes by wisdom.  
1930Following are some of the more notable epigrams of the learned and 
1931ingenious Dr. Jamrach Holobom:
1932
1933        We know better the needs of ourselves than of others.  To 
1934    serve oneself is economy of administration.
1935
1936        In each human heart are a tiger, a pig, an ass and a 
1937    nightingale.  Diversity of character is due to their unequal 
1938    activity.
1939
1940        There are three sexes; males, females and girls.
1941
1942        Beauty in women and distinction in men are alike in this:  
1943    they seem to be the unthinking a kind of credibility.
1944
1945        Women in love are less ashamed than men.  They have less to be 
1946    ashamed of.
1947
1948        While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands 
1949    you are safe, for you can watch both his.
1950
1951EPITAPH, n.  An inscription on a tomb, showing that virtues acquired 
1952by death have a retroactive effect.  Following is a touching example:
1953
1954    Here lie the bones of Parson Platt,
1955    Wise, pious, humble and all that,
1956    Who showed us life as all should live it;
1957    Let that be said -- and God forgive it!
1958
1959ERUDITION, n.  Dust shaken out of a book into an empty skull.
1960
1961    So wide his erudition's mighty span,
1962    He knew Creation's origin and plan
1963    And only came by accident to grief --
1964    He thought, poor man, 'twas right to be a thief.
1965                                                           Romach Pute
1966
1967ESOTERIC, adj.  Very particularly abstruse and consummately occult.  
1968The ancient philosophies were of two kinds, -- _exoteric_, those that 
1969the philosophers themselves could partly understand, and _esoteric_, 
1970those that nobody could understand.  It is the latter that have most 
1971profoundly affected modern thought and found greatest acceptance in 
1972our time.
1973
1974ETHNOLOGY, n.  The science that treats of the various tribes of Man, 
1975as robbers, thieves, swindlers, dunces, lunatics, idiots and 
1976ethnologists.
1977
1978EUCHARIST, n.  A sacred feast of the religious sect of Theophagi.
1979    A dispute once unhappily arose among the members of this sect as 
1980to what it was that they ate.  In this controversy some five hundred 
1981thousand have already been slain, and the question is still unsettled.
1982
1983EULOGY, n.  Praise of a person who has either the advantages of wealth 
1984and power, or the consideration to be dead.
1985
1986EVANGELIST, n.  A bearer of good tidings, particularly (in a religious 
1987sense) such as assure us of our own salvation and the damnation of 
1988our neighbors.
1989
1990EVERLASTING, adj.  Lasting forever.  It is with no small diffidence 
1991that I venture to offer this brief and elementary definition, for I am 
1992not unaware of the existence of a bulky volume by a sometime Bishop of 
1993Worcester, entitled, _A Partial Definition of the Word "Everlasting," 
1994as Used in the Authorized Version of the Holy Scriptures_.  His book 
1995was once esteemed of great authority in the Anglican Church, and is 
1996still, I understand, studied with pleasure to the mind and profit of 
1997the soul.
1998
1999EXCEPTION, n.  A thing which takes the liberty to differ from other 
2000things of its class, as an honest man, a truthful woman, etc.  "The 
2001exception proves the rule" is an expression constantly upon the lips 
2002of the ignorant, who parrot it from one another with never a thought 
2003of its absurdity.  In the Latin, "_Exceptio probat regulam_" means 
2004that the exception _tests_ the rule, puts it to the proof, not 
2005_confirms_ it.  The malefactor who drew the meaning from this 
2006excellent dictum and substituted a contrary one of his own exerted an 
2007evil power which appears to be immortal.
2008
2009EXCESS, n.  In morals, an indulgence that enforces by appropriate 
2010penalties the law of moderation.
2011
2012    Hail, high Excess -- especially in wine,
2013        To thee in worship do I bend the knee
2014        Who preach abstemiousness unto me --
2015    My skull thy pulpit, as my paunch thy shrine.
2016    Precept on precept, aye, and line on line,
2017        Could ne'er persuade so sweetly to agree
2018        With reason as thy touch, exact and free,
2019    Upon my forehead and along my spine.
2020    At thy command eschewing pleasure's cup,
2021        With the hot grape I warm no more my wit;
2022        When on thy stool of penitence I sit
2023    I'm quite converted, for I can't get up.
2024    Ungrateful he who afterward would falter
2025    To make new sacrifices at thine altar!
2026
2027EXCOMMUNICATION, n.
2028
2029    This "excommunication" is a word
2030    In speech ecclesiastical oft heard,
2031    And means the damning, with bell, book and candle,
2032    Some sinner whose opinions are a scandal --
2033    A rite permitting Satan to enslave him
2034    Forever, and forbidding Christ to save him.
2035                                                            Gat Huckle
2036
2037EXECUTIVE, n.  An officer of the Government, whose duty it is to 
2038enforce the wishes of the legislative power until such time as the 
2039judicial department shall be pleased to pronounce them invalid and of 
2040no effect.  Following is an extract from an old book entitled, _The 
2041Lunarian Astonished_ -- Pfeiffer & Co., Boston, 1803:
2042
2043    LUNARIAN:  Then when your Congress has passed a law it goes 
2044        directly to the Supreme Court in order that it may at once be 
2045        known whether it is constitutional?
2046    TERRESTRIAN:  O no; it does not require the approval of the 
2047        Supreme Court until having perhaps been enforced for many 
2048        years somebody objects to its operation against himself -- I 
2049        mean his client.  The President, if he approves it, begins to 
2050        execute it at once.
2051    LUNARIAN:  Ah, the executive power is a part of the legislative.  
2052        Do your policemen also have to approve the local ordinances 
2053        that they enforce?
2054    TERRESTRIAN:  Not yet -- at least not in their character of 
2055        constables.  Generally speaking, though, all laws require the 
2056        approval of those whom they are intended to restrain.
2057    LUNARIAN:  I see.  The death warrant is not valid until signed by 
2058        the murderer.
2059    TERRESTRIAN:  My friend, you put it too strongly; we are not so 
2060        consistent.
2061    LUNARIAN:  But this system of maintaining an expensive judicial 
2062        machinery to pass upon the validity of laws only after they 
2063        have long been executed, and then only when brought before the 
2064        court by some private person -- does it not cause great 
2065        confusion?
2066    TERRESTRIAN:  It does.
2067    LUNARIAN:  Why then should not your laws, previously to being 
2068        executed, be validated, not by the signature of your 
2069        President, but by that of the Chief Justice of the Supreme 
2070        Court?
2071    TERRESTRIAN:  There is no precedent for any such course.
2072    LUNARIAN:  Precedent.  What is that?
2073    TERRESTRIAN:  It has been defined by five hundred lawyers in three 
2074        volumes each.  So how can any one know?
2075
2076EXHORT, v.t. In religious affairs, to put the conscience of another 
2077upon the spit and roast it to a nut-brown discomfort.
2078
2079EXILE, n.  One who serves his country by residing abroad, yet is not 
2080an ambassador.
2081    An English sea-captain being asked if he had read "The Exile of 
2082Erin," replied:  "No, sir, but I should like to anchor on it."  Years 
2083afterwards, when he had been hanged as a pirate after a career of 
2084unparalleled atrocities, the following memorandum was found in the 
2085ship's log that he had kept at the time of his reply:
2086
2087    Aug. 3d, 1842.  Made a joke on the ex-Isle of Erin.  Coldly 
2088    received.  War with the whole world!
2089
2090EXISTENCE, n.
2091
2092    A transient, horrible, fantastic dream,
2093    Wherein is nothing yet all things do seem:
2094    From which we're wakened by a friendly nudge
2095    Of our bedfellow Death, and cry:  "O fudge!"
2096
2097EXPERIENCE, n.  The wisdom that enables us to recognize as an 
2098undesirable old acquaintance the folly that we have already embraced.
2099
2100    To one who, journeying through night and fog,
2101    Is mired neck-deep in an unwholesome bog,
2102    Experience, like the rising of the dawn,
2103    Reveals the path that he should not have gone.
2104                                                        Joel Frad Bink
2105
2106EXPOSTULATION, n.  One of the many methods by which fools prefer to 
2107lose their friends.
2108
2109EXTINCTION, n.  The raw material out of which theology created the 
2110future state.
2111
2112
2113                                  F
2114
2115
2116FAIRY, n.  A creature, variously fashioned and endowed, that formerly 
2117inhabited the meadows and forests.  It was nocturnal in its habits, 
2118and somewhat addicted to dancing and the theft of children.  The 
2119fairies are now believed by naturalist to be extinct, though a 
2120clergyman of the Church of England saw three near Colchester as lately 
2121as 1855, while passing through a park after dining with the lord of 
2122the manor.  The sight greatly staggered him, and he was so affected 
2123that his account of it was incoherent.  In the year 1807 a troop of 
2124fairies visited a wood near Aix and carried off the daughter of a 
2125peasant, who had been seen to enter it with a bundle of clothing.  The 
2126son of a wealthy _bourgeois_ disappeared about the same time, but 
2127afterward returned.  He had seen the abduction been in pursuit of the 
2128fairies.  Justinian Gaux, a writer of the fourteenth century, avers 
2129that so great is the fairies' power of transformation that he saw one 
2130change itself into two opposing armies and fight a battle with great 
2131slaughter, and that the next day, after it had resumed its original 
2132shape and gone away, there were seven hundred bodies of the slain 
2133which the villagers had to bury.  He does not say if any of the 
2134wounded recovered.  In the time of Henry III, of England, a law was 
2135made which prescribed the death penalty for "Kyllynge, wowndynge, or 
2136mamynge" a fairy, and it was universally respected.
2137
2138FAITH, n.  Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks 
2139without knowledge, of things without parallel.
2140
2141FAMOUS, adj.  Conspicuously miserable.
2142
2143    Done to a turn on the iron, behold
2144        Him who to be famous aspired.
2145    Content?  Well, his grill has a plating of gold,
2146        And his twistings are greatly admired.
2147                                                       Hassan Brubuddy
2148
2149FASHION, n.  A despot whom the wise ridicule and obey.
2150
2151    A king there was who lost an eye
2152        In some excess of passion;
2153    And straight his courtiers all did try
2154        To follow the new fashion.
2155
2156    Each dropped one eyelid when before
2157        The throne he ventured, thinking
2158    'Twould please the king.  That monarch swore
2159        He'd slay them all for winking.
2160
2161    What should they do?  They were not hot
2162        To hazard such disaster;
2163    They dared not close an eye -- dared not
2164        See better than their master.
2165
2166    Seeing them lacrymose and glum,
2167        A leech consoled the weepers:
2168    He spread small rags with liquid gum
2169        And covered half their peepers.
2170
2171    The court all wore the stuff, the flame
2172        Of royal anger dying.
2173    That's how court-plaster got its name
2174        Unless I'm greatly lying.
2175                                                            Naramy Oof
2176
2177FEAST, n.  A festival.  A religious celebration usually signalized by 
2178gluttony and drunkenness, frequently in honor of some holy person 
2179distinguished for abstemiousness.  In the Roman Catholic Church 
2180feasts are "movable" and "immovable," but the celebrants are uniformly 
2181immovable until they are full.  In their earliest development these 
2182entertainments took the form of feasts for the dead; such were held by 
2183the Greeks, under the name _Nemeseia_, by the Aztecs and Peruvians, 
2184as in modern times they are popular with the Chinese; though it is 
2185believed that the ancient dead, like the modern, were light eaters.  
2186Among the many feasts of the Romans was the _Novemdiale_, which was 
2187held, according to Livy, whenever stones fell from heaven.
2188
2189FELON, n.  A person of greater enterprise than discretion, who in 
2190embracing an opportunity has formed an unfortunate attachment.
2191
2192FEMALE, n.  One of the opposing, or unfair, sex.
2193
2194    The Maker, at Creation's birth,
2195    With living things had stocked the earth.
2196    From elephants to bats and snails,
2197    They all were good, for all were males.
2198    But when the Devil came and saw
2199    He said:  "By Thine eternal law
2200    Of growth, maturity, decay,
2201    These all must quickly pass away
2202    And leave untenanted the earth
2203    Unless Thou dost establish birth" --
2204    Then tucked his head beneath his wing
2205    To laugh -- he had no sleeve -- the thing
2206    With deviltry did so accord,
2207    That he'd suggested to the Lord.
2208    The Master pondered this advice,
2209    Then shook and threw the fateful dice
2210    Wherewith all matters here below
2211    Are ordered, and observed the throw;
2212    Then bent His head in awful state,
2213    Confirming the decree of Fate.
2214    From every part of earth anew
2215    The conscious dust consenting flew,
2216    While rivers from their courses rolled
2217    To make it plastic for the mould.
2218    Enough collected (but no more,
2219    For niggard Nature hoards her store)
2220    He kneaded it to flexible clay,
2221    While Nick unseen threw some away.
2222    And then the various forms He cast,
2223    Gross organs first and finer last;
2224    No one at once evolved, but all
2225    By even touches grew and small
2226    Degrees advanced, till, shade by shade,
2227    To match all living things He'd made
2228    Females, complete in all their parts
2229    Except (His clay gave out) the hearts.
2230    "No matter," Satan cried; "with speed
2231    I'll fetch the very hearts they need" --
2232    So flew away and soon brought back
2233    The number needed, in a sack.
2234    That night earth range with sounds of strife --
2235    Ten million males each had a wife;
2236    That night sweet Peace her pinions spread
2237    O'er Hell -- ten million devils dead!
2238                                                                  G.J.
2239
2240FIB, n.  A lie that has not cut its teeth.  An habitual liar's nearest 
2241approach to truth:  the perigee of his eccentric orbit.
2242
2243    When David said:  "All men are liars," Dave,
2244        Himself a liar, fibbed like any thief.
2245        Perhaps he thought to weaken disbelief
2246    By proof that even himself was not a slave
2247    To Truth; though I suspect the aged knave
2248        Had been of all her servitors the chief
2249        Had he but known a fig's reluctant leaf
2250    Is more than e'er she wore on land or wave.
2251    No, David served not Naked Truth when he
2252        Struck that sledge-hammer blow at all his race;
2253            Nor did he hit the nail upon the head:
2254    For reason shows that it could never be,
2255        And the facts contradict him to his face.
2256            Men are not liars all, for some are dead.
2257                                                        Bartle Quinker
2258
2259FICKLENESS, n.  The iterated satiety of an enterprising affection.
2260
2261FIDDLE, n.  An instrument to tickle human ears by friction of a 
2262horse's tail on the entrails of a cat.
2263
2264    To Rome said Nero:  "If to smoke you turn
2265    I shall not cease to fiddle while you burn."
2266    To Nero Rome replied:  "Pray do your worst,
2267    'Tis my excuse that you were fiddling first."
2268                                                            Orm Pludge
2269
2270FIDELITY, n.  A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed.
2271
2272FINANCE, n.  The art or science of managing revenues and resources for 
2273the best advantage of the manager.  The pronunciation of this word 
2274with the i long and the accent on the first syllable is one of 
2275America's most precious discoveries and possessions.
2276
2277FLAG, n.  A colored rag borne above troops and hoisted on forts and 
2278ships.  It appears to serve the same purpose as certain signs that one 
2279sees and vacant lots in London -- "Rubbish may be shot here."
2280
2281FLESH, n.  The Second Person of the secular Trinity.
2282
2283FLOP, v.  Suddenly to change one's opinions and go over to another 
2284party.  The most notable flop on record was that of Saul of Tarsus, 
2285who has been severely criticised as a turn-coat by some of our 
2286partisan journals.
2287
2288FLY-SPECK, n.  The prototype of punctuation.  It is observed by 
2289Garvinus that the systems of punctuation in use by the various 
2290literary nations depended originally upon the social habits and 
2291general diet of the flies infesting the several countries.  These 
2292creatures, which have always been distinguished for a neighborly and 
2293companionable familiarity with authors, liberally or niggardly 
2294embellish the manuscripts in process of growth under the pen, 
2295according to their bodily habit, bringing out the sense of the work by 
2296a species of interpretation superior to, and independent of, the 
2297writer's powers.  The "old masters" of literature -- that is to say, 
2298the early writers whose work is so esteemed by later scribes and 
2299critics in the same language -- never punctuated at all, but worked 
2300right along free-handed, without that abruption of the thought which 
2301comes from the use of points.  (We observe the same thing in children 
2302to-day, whose usage in this particular is a striking and beautiful 
2303instance of the law that the infancy of individuals reproduces the 
2304methods and stages of development characterizing the infancy of 
2305races.)  In the work of these primitive scribes all the punctuation is 
2306found, by the modern investigator with his optical instruments and 
2307chemical tests, to have been inserted by the writers' ingenious and 
2308serviceable collaborator, the common house-fly -- _Musca maledicta_.  
2309In transcribing these ancient MSS, for the purpose of either making 
2310the work their own or preserving what they naturally regard as divine 
2311revelations, later writers reverently and accurately copy whatever 
2312marks they find upon the papyrus or parchment, to the unspeakable 
2313enhancement of the lucidity of the thought and value of the work.  
2314Writers contemporary with the copyists naturally avail themselves of 
2315the obvious advantages of these marks in their own work, and with such 
2316assistance as the flies of their own household may be willing to 
2317grant, frequently rival and sometimes surpass the older compositions, 
2318in respect at least of punctuation, which is no small glory.  Fully to 
2319understand the important services that flies perform to literature it 
2320is only necessary to lay a page of some popular novelist alongside a 
2321saucer of cream-and-molasses in a sunny room and observe "how the wit 
2322brightens and the style refines" in accurate proportion to the 
2323duration of exposure.
2324
2325FOLLY, n.  That "gift and faculty divine" whose creative and 
2326controlling energy inspires Man's mind, guides his actions and adorns 
2327his life.
2328
2329    Folly! although Erasmus praised thee once
2330        In a thick volume, and all authors known,
2331        If not thy glory yet thy power have shown,
2332    Deign to take homage from thy son who hunts
2333    Through all thy maze his brothers, fool and dunce,
2334        To mend their lives and to sustain his own,
2335        However feebly be his arrows thrown,
2336
2337    Howe'er each hide the flying weapons blunts.
2338    All-Father Folly! be it mine to raise,
2339        With lusty lung, here on his western strand
2340        With all thine offspring thronged from every land,
2341    Thyself inspiring me, the song of praise.
2342    And if too weak, I'll hire, to help me bawl,
2343    Dick Watson Gilder, gravest of us all.
2344                                                     Aramis Loto Frope
2345
2346FOOL, n.  A person who pervades the domain of intellectual speculation 
2347and diffuses himself through the channels of moral activity.  He is 
2348omnific, omniform, omnipercipient, omniscience, omnipotent.  He it was 
2349who invented letters, printing, the railroad, the steamboat, the 
2350telegraph, the platitude and the circle of the sciences.  He created 
2351patriotism and taught the nations war -- founded theology, philosophy, 
2352law, medicine and Chicago.  He established monarchical and republican 
2353government.  He is from everlasting to everlasting -- such as 
2354creation's dawn beheld he fooleth now.  In the morning of time he sang 
2355upon primitive hills, and in the noonday of existence headed the 
2356procession of being.  His grandmotherly hand was warmly tucked-in the 
2357set sun of civilization, and in the twilight he prepares Man's evening 
2358meal of milk-and-morality and turns down the covers of the universal 
2359grave.  And after the rest of us shall have retired for the night of 
2360eternal oblivion he will sit up to write a history of human 
2361civilization.
2362
2363FORCE, n.
2364
2365    "Force is but might," the teacher said --
2366        "That definition's just."
2367    The boy said naught but through instead,
2368    Remembering his pounded head:
2369        "Force is not might but must!"
2370
2371FOREFINGER, n.  The finger commonly used in pointing out two 
2372malefactors.
2373
2374FOREORDINATION, n.  This looks like an easy word to define, but when I 
2375consider that pious and learned theologians have spent long lives in 
2376explaining it, and written libraries to explain their explanations; 
2377when I remember the nations have been divided and bloody battles 
2378caused by the difference between foreordination and predestination, 
2379and that millions of treasure have been expended in the effort to 
2380prove and disprove its compatibility with freedom of the will and the 
2381efficacy of prayer, praise, and a religious life, -- recalling these 
2382awful facts in the history of the word, I stand appalled before the 
2383mighty problem of its signification, abase my spiritual eyes, fearing 
2384to contemplate its portentous magnitude, reverently uncover and humbly 
2385refer it to His Eminence Cardinal Gibbons and His Grace Bishop Potter.
2386
2387FORGETFULNESS, n.  A gift of God bestowed upon doctors in compensation 
2388for their destitution of conscience.
2389
2390FORK, n.  An instrument used chiefly for the purpose of putting dead 
2391animals into the mouth.  Formerly the knife was employed for this 
2392purpose, and by many worthy persons is still thought to have many 
2393advantages over the other tool, which, however, they do not altogether 
2394reject, but use to assist in charging the knife.  The immunity of 
2395these persons from swift and awful death is one of the most striking 
2396proofs of God's mercy to those that hate Him.
2397
2398FORMA PAUPERIS.  [Latin]  In the character of a poor person -- a 
2399method by which a litigant without money for lawyers is considerately 
2400permitted to lose his case.
2401
2402    When Adam long ago in Cupid's awful court
2403        (For Cupid ruled ere Adam was invented)
2404    Sued for Eve's favor, says an ancient law report,
2405        He stood and pleaded unhabilimented.
2406
2407    "You sue _in forma pauperis_, I see," Eve cried;
2408        "Actions can't here be that way prosecuted."
2409    So all poor Adam's motions coldly were denied:
2410        He went away -- as he had come -- nonsuited.
2411                                                                  G.J.
2412
2413FRANKALMOIGNE, n.  The tenure by which a religious corporation holds 
2414lands on condition of praying for the soul of the donor.  In mediaeval 
2415times many of the wealthiest fraternities obtained their estates in 
2416this simple and cheap manner, and once when Henry VIII of England sent 
2417an officer to confiscate certain vast possessions which a fraternity 
2418of monks held by frankalmoigne, "What!" said the Prior, "would you 
2419master stay our benefactor's soul in Purgatory?"  "Ay," said the 
2420officer, coldly, "an ye will not pray him thence for naught he must 
2421e'en roast."  "But look you, my son," persisted the good man, "this 
2422act hath rank as robbery of God!"  "Nay, nay, good father, my master 
2423the king doth but deliver him from the manifold temptations of too 
2424great wealth."
2425
2426FREEBOOTER, n.  A conqueror in a small way of business, whose 
2427annexations lack of the sanctifying merit of magnitude.
2428
2429FREEDOM, n.  Exemption from the stress of authority in a beggarly half 
2430dozen of restraint's infinite multitude of methods.  A political 
2431condition that every nation supposes itself to enjoy in virtual 
2432monopoly.  Liberty.  The distinction between freedom and liberty is 
2433not accurately known; naturalists have never been able to find a 
2434living specimen of either.
2435
2436    Freedom, as every schoolboy knows,
2437        Once shrieked as Kosciusko fell;
2438    On every wind, indeed, that blows
2439            I hear her yell.
2440
2441    She screams whenever monarchs meet,
2442        And parliaments as well,
2443    To bind the chains about her feet
2444            And toll her knell.
2445
2446    And when the sovereign people cast
2447        The votes they cannot spell,
2448    Upon the pestilential blast
2449            Her clamors swell.
2450
2451    For all to whom the power's given
2452        To sway or to compel,
2453    Among themselves apportion Heaven
2454            And give her Hell.
2455                                                          Blary O'Gary
2456
2457FREEMASONS, n.  An order with secret rites, grotesque ceremonies and 
2458fantastic costumes, which, originating in the reign of Charles II, 
2459among working artisans of London, has been joined successively by the 
2460dead of past centuries in unbroken retrogression until now it embraces 
2461all the generations of man on the hither side of Adam and is drumming 
2462up distinguished recruits among the pre-Creational inhabitants of 
2463Chaos and Formless Void.  The order was founded at different times by 
2464Charlemagne, Julius Caesar, Cyrus, Solomon, Zoroaster, Confucious, 
2465Thothmes, and Buddha.  Its emblems and symbols have been found in the 
2466Catacombs of Paris and Rome, on the stones of the Parthenon and the 
2467Chinese Great Wall, among the temples of Karnak and Palmyra and in the 
2468Egyptian Pyramids -- always by a Freemason.
2469
2470FRIENDLESS, adj.  Having no favors to bestow.  Destitute of fortune.  
2471Addicted to utterance of truth and common sense.
2472
2473FRIENDSHIP, n.  A ship big enough to carry two in fair weather, but 
2474only one in foul.
2475
2476    The sea was calm and the sky was blue;
2477    Merrily, merrily sailed we two.
2478        (High barometer maketh glad.)
2479    On the tipsy ship, with a dreadful shout,
2480    The tempest descended and we fell out.
2481        (O the walking is nasty bad!)
2482                                                     Armit Huff Bettle
2483
2484FROG, n.  A reptile with edible legs.  The first mention of frogs in 
2485profane literature is in Homer's narrative of the war between them and 
2486the mice.  Skeptical persons have doubted Homer's authorship of the 
2487work, but the learned, ingenious and industrious Dr. Schliemann has 
2488set the question forever at rest by uncovering the bones of the slain 
2489frogs.  One of the forms of moral suasion by which Pharaoh was 
2490besought to favor the Israelities was a plague of frogs, but Pharaoh, 
2491who liked them _fricasees_, remarked, with truly oriental stoicism, 
2492that he could stand it as long as the frogs and the Jews could; so the 
2493programme was changed.  The frog is a diligent songster, having a good 
2494voice but no ear.  The libretto of his favorite opera, as written by 
2495Aristophanes, is brief, simple and effective -- "brekekex-koax"; the 
2496music is apparently by that eminent composer, Richard Wagner.  Horses 
2497have a frog in each hoof -- a thoughtful provision of nature, enabling 
2498them to shine in a hurdle race.
2499
2500FRYING-PAN, n.  One part of the penal apparatus employed in that 
2501punitive institution, a woman's kitchen.  The frying-pan was invented 
2502by Calvin, and by him used in cooking span-long infants that had died 
2503without baptism; and observing one day the horrible torment of a tramp 
2504who had incautiously pulled a fried babe from the waste-dump and 
2505devoured it, it occurred to the great divine to rob death of its 
2506terrors by introducing the frying-pan into every household in Geneva.  
2507Thence it spread to all corners of the world, and has been of 
2508invaluable assistance in the propagation of his sombre faith.  The 
2509following lines (said to be from the pen of his Grace Bishop Potter) 
2510seem to imply that the usefulness of this utensil is not limited to 
2511this world; but as the consequences of its employment in this life 
2512reach over into the life to come, so also itself may be found on the 
2513other side, rewarding its devotees:
2514
2515    Old Nick was summoned to the skies.
2516        Said Peter:  "Your intentions
2517    Are good, but you lack enterprise
2518        Concerning new inventions.
2519
2520    "Now, broiling in an ancient plan
2521        Of torment, but I hear it
2522    Reported that the frying-pan
2523        Sears best the wicked spirit.
2524
2525    "Go get one -- fill it up with fat --
2526        Fry sinners brown and good in't."
2527    "I know a trick worth two o' that,"
2528        Said Nick -- "I'll cook their food in't."
2529
2530FUNERAL, n.  A pageant whereby we attest our respect for the dead by 
2531enriching the undertaker, and strengthen our grief by an expenditure 
2532that deepens our groans and doubles our tears.
2533
2534    The savage dies -- they sacrifice a horse
2535    To bear to happy hunting-grounds the corse.
2536    Our friends expire -- we make the money fly
2537    In hope their souls will chase it to the sky.
2538                                                            Jex Wopley
2539
2540FUTURE, n.  That period of time in which our affairs prosper, our 
2541friends are true and our happiness is assured.
2542
2543
2544                                  G
2545
2546
2547GALLOWS, n.  A stage for the performance of miracle plays, in which 
2548the leading actor is translated to heaven.  In this country the 
2549gallows is chiefly remarkable for the number of persons who escape it.
2550
2551    Whether on the gallows high
2552        Or where blood flows the reddest,
2553    The noblest place for man to die --
2554        Is where he died the deadest.
2555                                                            (Old play)
2556
2557GARGOYLE, n.  A rain-spout projecting from the eaves of mediaeval 
2558buildings, commonly fashioned into a grotesque caricature of some 
2559personal enemy of the architect or owner of the building.  This was 
2560especially the case in churches and ecclesiastical structures 
2561generally, in which the gargoyles presented a perfect rogues' gallery 
2562of local heretics and controversialists.  Sometimes when a new dean 
2563and chapter were installed the old gargoyles were removed and others 
2564substituted having a closer relation to the private animosities of the 
2565new incumbents.
2566
2567GARTHER, n.  An elastic band intended to keep a woman from coming out 
2568of her stockings and desolating the country.
2569
2570GENEROUS, adj.  Originally this word meant noble by birth and was 
2571rightly applied to a great multitude of persons.  It now means noble 
2572by nature and is taking a bit of a rest.
2573
2574GENEALOGY, n.  An account of one's descent from an ancestor who did 
2575not particularly care to trace his own.
2576
2577GENTEEL, adj.  Refined, after the fashion of a gent.
2578
2579    Observe with care, my son, the distinction I reveal:
2580    A gentleman is gentle and a gent genteel.
2581    Heed not the definitions your "Unabridged" presents,
2582    For dictionary makers are generally gents.
2583                                                                  G.J.
2584
2585GEOGRAPHER, n.  A chap who can tell you offhand the difference between 
2586the outside of the world and the inside.
2587
2588    Habeam, geographer of wide reknown,
2589    Native of Abu-Keber's ancient town,
2590    In passing thence along the river Zam
2591    To the adjacent village of Xelam,
2592    Bewildered by the multitude of roads,
2593    Got lost, lived long on migratory toads,
2594    Then from exposure miserably died,
2595    And grateful travelers bewailed their guide.
2596                                                        Henry Haukhorn
2597
2598GEOLOGY, n.  The science of the earth's crust -- to which, doubtless, 
2599will be added that of its interior whenever a man shall come up 
2600garrulous out of a well.  The geological formations of the globe 
2601already noted are catalogued thus:  The Primary, or lower one, 
2602consists of rocks, bones or mired mules, gas-pipes, miners' tools, 
2603antique statues minus the nose, Spanish doubloons and ancestors.  The 
2604Secondary is largely made up of red worms and moles.  The Tertiary 
2605comprises railway tracks, patent pavements, grass, snakes, mouldy 
2606boots, beer bottles, tomato cans, intoxicated citizens, garbage, 
2607anarchists, snap-dogs and fools.
2608
2609GHOST, n.  The outward and visible sign of an inward fear.
2610
2611            He saw a ghost.
2612    It occupied -- that dismal thing! --
2613    The path that he was following.
2614    Before he'd time to stop and fly,
2615    An earthquake trifled with the eye
2616            That saw a ghost.
2617    He fell as fall the early good;
2618    Unmoved that awful vision stood.
2619    The stars that danced before his ken
2620    He wildly brushed away, and then
2621            He saw a post.
2622                                                      Jared Macphester
2623
2624    Accounting for the uncommon behavior of ghosts, Heine mentions 
2625somebody's ingenious theory to the effect that they are as much 
2626afraid of us as we of them.  Not quite, if I may judge from such 
2627tables of comparative speed as I am able to compile from memories of 
2628my own experience.
2629    There is one insuperable obstacle to a belief in ghosts.  A ghost 
2630never comes naked:  he appears either in a winding-sheet or "in his 
2631habit as he lived."  To believe in him, then, is to believe that not 
2632only have the dead the power to make themselves visible after there is 
2633nothing left of them, but that the same power inheres in textile 
2634fabrics.  Supposing the products of the loom to have this ability, 
2635what object would they have in exercising it?  And why does not the 
2636apparition of a suit of clothes sometimes walk abroad without a ghost 
2637in it?  These be riddles of significance.  They reach away down and 
2638get a convulsive grip on the very tap-root of this flourishing faith.
2639
2640GHOUL, n.  A demon addicted to the reprehensible habit of devouring 
2641the dead.  The existence of ghouls has been disputed by that class of 
2642controversialists who are more concerned to deprive the world of 
2643comforting beliefs than to give it anything good in their place.  In 
26441640 Father Secchi saw one in a cemetery near Florence and frightened 
2645it away with the sign of the cross.  He describes it as gifted with 
2646many heads an an uncommon allowance of limbs, and he saw it in more 
2647than one place at a time.  The good man was coming away from dinner at 
2648the time and explains that if he had not been "heavy with eating" he 
2649would have seized the demon at all hazards.  Atholston relates that a 
2650ghoul was caught by some sturdy peasants in a churchyard at Sudbury 
2651and ducked in a horsepond.  (He appears to think that so distinguished 
2652a criminal should have been ducked in a tank of rosewater.)  The water 
2653turned at once to blood "and so contynues unto ys daye."  The pond has 
2654since been bled with a ditch.  As late as the beginning of the 
2655fourteenth century a ghoul was cornered in the crypt of the cathedral 
2656at Amiens and the whole population surrounded the place.  Twenty armed 
2657men with a priest at their head, bearing a crucifix, entered and 
2658captured the ghoul, which, thinking to escape by the stratagem, had 
2659transformed itself to the semblance of a well known citizen, but was 
2660nevertheless hanged, drawn and quartered in the midst of hideous 
2661popular orgies.  The citizen whose shape the demon had assumed was so 
2662affected by the sinister occurrence that he never again showed himself 
2663in Amiens and his fate remains a mystery.
2664
2665GLUTTON, n.  A person who escapes the evils of moderation by 
2666committing dyspepsia.
2667
2668GNOME, n.  In North-European mythology, a dwarfish imp inhabiting the 
2669interior parts of the earth and having special custody of mineral 
2670treasures.  Bjorsen, who died in 1765, says gnomes were common enough 
2671in the southern parts of Sweden in his boyhood, and he frequently saw 
2672them scampering on the hills in the evening twilight.  Ludwig 
2673Binkerhoof saw three as recently as 1792, in the Black Forest, and 
2674Sneddeker avers that in 1803 they drove a party of miners out of a 
2675Silesian mine.  Basing our computations upon data supplied by these 
2676statements, we find that the gnomes were probably extinct as early as 
26771764.
2678
2679GNOSTICS, n.  A sect of philosophers who tried to engineer a fusion 
2680between the early Christians and the Platonists.  The former would not 
2681go into the caucus and the combination failed, greatly to the chagrin 
2682of the fusion managers.
2683
2684GNU, n.  An animal of South Africa, which in its domesticated state 
2685resembles a horse, a buffalo and a stag.  In its wild condition it is 
2686something like a thunderbolt, an earthquake and a cyclone.
2687
2688    A hunter from Kew caught a distant view
2689        Of a peacefully meditative gnu,
2690    And he said:  "I'll pursue, and my hands imbrue
2691        In its blood at a closer interview."
2692    But that beast did ensue and the hunter it threw
2693        O'er the top of a palm that adjacent grew;
2694    And he said as he flew:  "It is well I withdrew
2695        Ere, losing my temper, I wickedly slew
2696        That really meritorious gnu."
2697                                                           Jarn Leffer
2698
2699GOOD, adj.  Sensible, madam, to the worth of this present writer.  
2700Alive, sir, to the advantages of letting him alone.
2701
2702GOOSE, n.  A bird that supplies quills for writing.  These, by some 
2703occult process of nature, are penetrated and suffused with various 
2704degrees of the bird's intellectual energies and emotional character, 
2705so that when inked and drawn mechanically across paper by a person 
2706called an "author," there results a very fair and accurate transcript 
2707of the fowl's thought and feeling.  The difference in geese, as 
2708discovered by this ingenious method, is considerable:  many are found 
2709to have only trivial and insignificant powers, but some are seen to be 
2710very great geese indeed.
2711
2712GORGON, n.
2713
2714    The Gorgon was a maiden bold
2715    Who turned to stone the Greeks of old
2716    That looked upon her awful brow.
2717    We dig them out of ruins now,
2718    And swear that workmanship so bad
2719    Proves all the ancient sculptors mad.
2720
2721GOUT, n.  A physician's name for the rheumatism of a rich patient.
2722
2723GRACES, n.  Three beautiful goddesses, Aglaia, Thalia and Euphrosyne, 
2724who attended upon Venus, serving without salary.  They were at no 
2725expense for board and clothing, for they ate nothing to speak of and 
2726dressed according to the weather, wearing whatever breeze happened to 
2727be blowing.
2728
2729GRAMMAR, n.  A system of pitfalls thoughtfully prepared for the feet 
2730for the self-made man, along the path by which he advances to 
2731distinction.
2732
2733GRAPE, n.
2734
2735    Hail noble fruit! -- by Homer sung,
2736        Anacreon and Khayyam;
2737    Thy praise is ever on the tongue
2738        Of better men than I am.
2739
2740    The lyre in my hand has never swept,
2741        The song I cannot offer:
2742    My humbler service pray accept --
2743        I'll help to kill the scoffer.
2744
2745    The water-drinkers and the cranks
2746        Who load their skins with liquor --
2747    I'll gladly bear their belly-tanks
2748        And tap them with my sticker.
2749
2750    Fill up, fill up, for wisdom cools
2751        When e'er we let the wine rest.
2752    Here's death to Prohibition's fools,
2753        And every kind of vine-pest!
2754                                                       Jamrach Holobom
2755
2756GRAPESHOT, n.  An argument which the future is preparing in answer to 
2757the demands of American Socialism.
2758
2759GRAVE, n.  A place in which the dead are laid to await the coming of 
2760the medical student.
2761
2762    Beside a lonely grave I stood --
2763        With brambles 'twas encumbered;
2764    The winds were moaning in the wood,
2765        Unheard by him who slumbered,
2766
2767    A rustic standing near, I said:
2768        "He cannot hear it blowing!"
2769    "'Course not," said he:  "the feller's dead --
2770        He can't hear nowt [sic] that's going."
2771
2772    "Too true," I said; "alas, too true --
2773        No sound his sense can quicken!"
2774    "Well, mister, wot is that to you? --
2775        The deadster ain't a-kickin'."
2776
2777    I knelt and prayed:  "O Father, smile
2778        On him, and mercy show him!"
2779    That countryman looked on the while,
2780        And said:  "Ye didn't know him."
2781                                                         Pobeter Dunko
2782
2783GRAVITATION, n.  The tendency of all bodies to approach one another 
2784with a strength proportion to the quantity of matter they contain -- 
2785the quantity of matter they contain being ascertained by the strength 
2786of their tendency to approach one another.  This is a lovely and 
2787edifying illustration of how science, having made A the proof of B, 
2788makes B the proof of A.
2789
2790GREAT, adj.
2791
2792    "I'm great," the Lion said -- "I reign
2793    The monarch of the wood and plain!"
2794
2795    The Elephant replied:  "I'm great --
2796    No quadruped can match my weight!"
2797
2798    "I'm great -- no animal has half
2799    So long a neck!" said the Giraffe.
2800
2801    "I'm great," the Kangaroo said -- "see
2802    My femoral muscularity!"
2803
2804    The 'Possum said:  "I'm great -- behold,
2805    My tail is lithe and bald and cold!"
2806
2807    An Oyster fried was understood
2808    To say:  "I'm great because I'm good!"
2809
2810    Each reckons greatness to consist
2811    In that in which he heads the list,
2812
2813    And Vierick thinks he tops his class
2814    Because he is the greatest ass.
2815                                                      Arion Spurl Doke
2816
2817GUILLOTINE, n.  A machine which makes a Frenchman shrug his shoulders 
2818with good reason.
2819    In his great work on _Divergent Lines of Racial Evolution_, the 
2820learned Professor Brayfugle argues from the prevalence of this gesture 
2821-- the shrug -- among Frenchmen, that they are descended from turtles 
2822and it is simply a survival of the habit of retracing the head inside 
2823the shell.  It is with reluctance that I differ with so eminent an 
2824authority, but in my judgment (as more elaborately set forth and 
2825enforced in my work entitled _Hereditary Emotions_ -- lib. II, c. XI) 
2826the shrug is a poor foundation upon which to build so important a 
2827theory, for previously to the Revolution the gesture was unknown.  I 
2828have not a doubt that it is directly referable to the terror inspired 
2829by the guillotine during the period of that instrument's activity.
2830
2831GUNPOWDER, n.  An agency employed by civilized nations for the 
2832settlement of disputes which might become troublesome if left 
2833unadjusted.  By most writers the invention of gunpowder is ascribed to 
2834the Chinese, but not upon very convincing evidence.  Milton says it 
2835was invented by the devil to dispel angels with, and this opinion 
2836seems to derive some support from the scarcity of angels.  Moreover, 
2837it has the hearty concurrence of the Hon. James Wilson, Secretary of 
2838Agriculture.
2839    Secretary Wilson became interested in gunpowder through an event 
2840that occurred on the Government experimental farm in the District of 
2841Columbia.  One day, several years ago, a rogue imperfectly reverent of 
2842the Secretary's profound attainments and personal character presented 
2843him with a sack of gunpowder, representing it as the sed of the 
2844_Flashawful flabbergastor_, a Patagonian cereal of great commercial 
2845value, admirably adapted to this climate.  The good Secretary was 
2846instructed to spill it along in a furrow and afterward inhume it with 
2847soil.  This he at once proceeded to do, and had made a continuous line 
2848of it all the way across a ten-acre field, when he was made to look 
2849backward by a shout from the generous donor, who at once dropped a 
2850lighted match into the furrow at the starting-point.  Contact with the 
2851earth had somewhat dampened the powder, but the startled functionary 
2852saw himself pursued by a tall moving pillar of fire and smoke and 
2853fierce evolution.  He stood for a moment paralyzed and speechless, 
2854then he recollected an engagement and, dropping all, absented himself 
2855thence with such surprising celerity that to the eyes of spectators 
2856along the route selected he appeared like a long, dim streak 
2857prolonging itself with inconceivable rapidity through seven villages, 
2858and audibly refusing to be comforted.  "Great Scott! what is that?" 
2859cried a surveyor's chainman, shading his eyes and gazing at the fading 
2860line of agriculturist which bisected his visible horizon.  "That," 
2861said the surveyor, carelessly glancing at the phenomenon and again 
2862centering his attention upon his instrument, "is the Meridian of 
2863Washington."
2864
2865
2866                                  H
2867
2868
2869HABEAS CORPUS.  A writ by which a man may be taken out of jail when 
2870confined for the wrong crime.
2871
2872HABIT, n.  A shackle for the free.
2873
2874HADES, n.  The lower world; the residence of departed spirits; the 
2875place where the dead live.
2876    Among the ancients the idea of Hades was not synonymous with our 
2877Hell, many of the most respectable men of antiquity residing there in 
2878a very comfortable kind of way.  Indeed, the Elysian Fields themselves 
2879were a part of Hades, though they have since been removed to Paris.  
2880When the Jacobean version of the New Testament was in process of 
2881evolution the pious and learned men engaged in the work insisted by a 
2882majority vote on translating the Greek word "Aides" as "Hell"; but a 
2883conscientious minority member secretly possessed himself of the record 
2884and struck out the objectional word wherever he could find it.  At the 
2885next meeting, the Bishop of Salisbury, looking over the work, suddenly 
2886sprang to his feet and said with considerable excitement:  "Gentlemen, 
2887somebody has been razing 'Hell' here!"  Years afterward the good 
2888prelate's death was made sweet by the reflection that he had been the 
2889means (under Providence) of making an important, serviceable and 
2890immortal addition to the phraseology of the English tongue.
2891
2892HAG, n.  An elderly lady whom you do not happen to like; sometimes 
2893called, also, a hen, or cat.  Old witches, sorceresses, etc., were 
2894called hags from the belief that their heads were surrounded by a kind 
2895of baleful lumination or nimbus -- hag being the popular name of that 
2896peculiar electrical light sometimes observed in the hair.  At one time 
2897hag was not a word of reproach:  Drayton speaks of a "beautiful hag, 
2898all smiles," much as Shakespeare said, "sweet wench."  It would not 
2899now be proper to call your sweetheart a hag -- that compliment is 
2900reserved for the use of her grandchildren.
2901
2902HALF, n.  One of two equal parts into which a thing may be divided, or 
2903considered as divided.  In the fourteenth century a heated discussion 
2904arose among theologists and philosophers as to whether Omniscience 
2905could part an object into three halves; and the pious Father 
2906Aldrovinus publicly prayed in the cathedral at Rouen that God would 
2907demonstrate the affirmative of the proposition in some signal and 
2908unmistakable way, and particularly (if it should please Him) upon the 
2909body of that hardy blasphemer, Manutius Procinus, who maintained the 
2910negative.  Procinus, however, was spared to die of the bite of a 
2911viper.
2912
2913HALO, n.  Properly, a luminous ring encircling an astronomical body, 
2914but not infrequently confounded with "aureola," or "nimbus," a 
2915somewhat similar phenomenon worn as a head-dress by divinities and 
2916saints.  The halo is a purely optical illusion, produced by moisture 
2917in the air, in the manner of a rainbow; but the aureola is conferred 
2918as a sign of superior sanctity, in the same way as a bishop's mitre, 
2919or the Pope's tiara.  In the painting of the Nativity, by Szedgkin, a 
2920pious artist of Pesth, not only do the Virgin and the Child wear the 
2921nimbus, but an ass nibbling hay from the sacred manger is similarly 
2922decorated and, to his lasting honor be it said, appears to bear his 
2923unaccustomed dignity with a truly saintly grace.
2924
2925HAND, n.  A singular instrument worn at the end of the human arm and 
2926commonly thrust into somebody's pocket.
2927
2928HANDKERCHIEF, n.  A small square of silk or linen, used in various 
2929ignoble offices about the face and especially serviceable at funerals 
2930to conceal the lack of tears.  The handkerchief is of recent 
2931invention; our ancestors knew nothing of it and intrusted its duties 
2932to the sleeve.  Shakespeare's introducing it into the play of 
2933"Othello" is an anachronism:  Desdemona dried her nose with her skirt, 
2934as Dr. Mary Walker and other reformers have done with their coattails 
2935in our own day -- an evidence that revolutions sometimes go backward.
2936
2937HANGMAN, n.  An officer of the law charged with duties of the highest 
2938dignity and utmost gravity, and held in hereditary disesteem by a 
2939populace having a criminal ancestry.  In some of the American States 
2940his functions are now performed by an electrician, as in New Jersey, 
2941where executions by electricity have recently been ordered -- the 
2942first instance known to this lexicographer of anybody questioning the 
2943expediency of hanging Jerseymen.
2944
2945HAPPINESS, n.  An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the 
2946misery of another.
2947
2948HARANGUE, n.  A speech by an opponent, who is known as an harrangue- 
2949outang.
2950
2951HARBOR, n.  A place where ships taking shelter from stores are exposed 
2952to the fury of the customs.
2953
2954HARMONISTS, n.  A sect of Protestants, now extinct, who came from 
2955Europe in the beginning of the last century and were distinguished for 
2956the bitterness of their internal controversies and dissensions.
2957
2958HASH, x.  There is no definition for this word -- nobody knows what 
2959hash is.
2960
2961HATCHET, n.  A young axe, known among Indians as a Thomashawk.
2962
2963    "O bury the hatchet, irascible Red,
2964    For peace is a blessing," the White Man said.
2965        The Savage concurred, and that weapon interred,
2966    With imposing rites, in the White Man's head.
2967                                                           John Lukkus
2968
2969HATRED, n.  A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's 
2970superiority.
2971
2972HEAD-MONEY, n.  A capitation tax, or poll-tax.
2973
2974    In ancient times there lived a king
2975    Whose tax-collectors could not wring
2976    From all his subjects gold enough
2977    To make the royal way less rough.
2978    For pleasure's highway, like the dames
2979    Whose premises adjoin it, claims
2980    Perpetual repairing.  So
2981    The tax-collectors in a row
2982    Appeared before the throne to pray
2983    Their master to devise some way
2984    To swell the revenue.  "So great,"
2985    Said they, "are the demands of state
2986    A tithe of all that we collect
2987    Will scarcely meet them.  Pray reflect:
2988    How, if one-tenth we must resign,
2989    Can we exist on t'other nine?"
2990    The monarch asked them in reply:
2991    "Has it occurred to you to try
2992    The advantage of economy?"
2993    "It has," the spokesman said:  "we sold
2994    All of our gray garrotes of gold;
2995    With plated-ware we now compress
2996    The necks of those whom we assess.
2997    Plain iron forceps we employ
2998    To mitigate the miser's joy
2999    Who hoards, with greed that never tires,
3000    That which your Majesty requires."
3001    Deep lines of thought were seen to plow
3002    Their way across the royal brow.
3003    "Your state is desperate, no question;
3004    Pray favor me with a suggestion."
3005    "O King of Men," the spokesman said,
3006    "If you'll impose upon each head
3007    A tax, the augmented revenue
3008    We'll cheerfully divide with you."
3009    As flashes of the sun illume
3010    The parted storm-cloud's sullen gloom,
3011    The king smiled grimly.  "I decree
3012    That it be so -- and, not to be
3013    In generosity outdone,
3014    Declare you, each and every one,
3015    Exempted from the operation
3016    Of this new law of capitation.
3017    But lest the people censure me
3018    Because they're bound and you are free,
3019    'Twere well some clever scheme were laid
3020    By you this poll-tax to evade.
3021    I'll leave you now while you confer
3022    With my most trusted minister."
3023    The monarch from the throne-room walked
3024    And straightway in among them stalked
3025    A silent man, with brow concealed,
3026    Bare-armed -- his gleaming axe revealed!
3027                                                                  G.J.
3028
3029HEARSE, n.  Death's baby-carriage.
3030
3031HEART, n.  An automatic, muscular blood-pump.  Figuratively, this 
3032useful organ is said to be the esat of emotions and sentiments -- a 
3033very pretty fancy which, however, is nothing but a survival of a once 
3034universal belief.  It is now known that the sentiments and emotions 
3035reside in the stomach, being evolved from food by chemical action of 
3036the gastric fluid.  The exact process by which a beefsteak becomes a 
3037feeling -- tender or not, according to the age of the animal from 
3038which it was cut; the successive stages of elaboration through which a 
3039caviar sandwich is transmuted to a quaint fancy and reappears as a 
3040pungent epigram; the marvelous functional methods of converting a 
3041hard-boiled egg into religious contrition, or a cream-puff into a sigh 
3042of sensibility -- these things have been patiently ascertained by M. 
3043Pasteur, and by him expounded with convincing lucidity.  (See, also, 
3044my monograph, _The Essential Identity of the Spiritual Affections and 
3045Certain Intestinal Gases Freed in Digestion_ -- 4to, 687 pp.)  In a 
3046scientific work entitled, I believe, _Delectatio Demonorum_ (John 
3047Camden Hotton, London, 1873) this view of the sentiments receives a 
3048striking illustration; and for further light consult Professor Dam's 
3049famous treatise on _Love as a Product of Alimentary Maceration_.
3050
3051HEAT, n.
3052
3053    Heat, says Professor Tyndall, is a mode
3054        Of motion, but I know now how he's proving
3055    His point; but this I know -- hot words bestowed
3056        With skill will set the human fist a-moving,
3057    And where it stops the stars burn free and wild.
3058    _Crede expertum_ -- I have seen them, child.
3059                                                          Gorton Swope
3060
3061HEATHEN, n.  A benighted creature who has the folly to worship 
3062something that he can see and feel.  According to Professor Howison, 
3063of the California State University, Hebrews are heathens.
3064
3065    "The Hebrews are heathens!" says Howison.  He's
3066        A Christian philosopher.  I'm
3067    A scurril agnostical chap, if you please,
3068        Addicted too much to the crime
3069        Of religious discussion in my rhyme.
3070
3071    Though Hebrew and Howison cannot agree
3072        On a _modus vivendi_ -- not they! --
3073    Yet Heaven has had the designing of me,
3074        And I haven't been reared in a way
3075        To joy in the thick of the fray.
3076
3077    For this of my creed is the soul and the gist,
3078        And the truth of it I aver:
3079    Who differs from me in his faith is an 'ist,
3080        And 'ite, an 'ie, or an 'er --
3081        And I'm down upon him or her!
3082
3083    Let Howison urge with perfunctory chin
3084        Toleration -- that's all very well,
3085    But a roast is "nuts" to his nostril thin,
3086        And he's running -- I know by the smell --
3087        A secret and personal Hell!
3088                                                           Bissell Gip
3089
3090HEAVEN, n.  A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with 
3091talk of their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention 
3092while you expound your own.
3093
3094HEBREW, n.  A male Jew, as distinguished from the Shebrew, an 
3095altogether superior creation.
3096
3097HELPMATE, n.  A wife, or bitter half.
3098
3099    "Now, why is yer wife called a helpmate, Pat?"
3100        Says the priest.  "Since the time 'o yer wooin'
3101    She's niver [sic] assisted in what ye were at --
3102        For it's naught ye are ever doin'."
3103
3104    "That's true of yer Riverence [sic]," Patrick replies,
3105        And no sign of contrition envices;
3106    "But, bedad, it's a fact which the word implies,
3107        For she helps to mate the expinses [sic]!"
3108                                                         Marley Wottel
3109
3110HEMP, n.  A plant from whose fibrous bark is made an article of 
3111neckwear which is frequently put on after public speaking in the open 
3112air and prevents the wearer from taking cold.
3113
3114HERMIT, n.  A person whose vices and follies are not sociable.
3115
3116HERS, pron.  His.
3117
3118HIBERNATE, v.i.  To pass the winter season in domestic seclusion.  
3119There have been many singular popular notions about the hibernation of 
3120various animals.  Many believe that the bear hibernates during the 
3121whole winter and subsists by mechanically sucking its paws.  It is 
3122admitted that it comes out of its retirement in the spring so lean 
3123that it had to try twice before it can cast a shadow.  Three or four 
3124centuries ago, in England, no fact was better attested than that 
3125swallows passed the winter months in the mud at the bottom of their 
3126brooks, clinging together in globular masses.  They have apparently 
3127been compelled to give up the custom and account of the foulness of 
3128the brooks.  Sotus Ecobius discovered in Central Asia a whole nation 
3129of people who hibernate.  By some investigators, the fasting of Lent 
3130is supposed to have been originally a modified form of hibernation, to 
3131which the Church gave a religious significance; but this view was 
3132strenuously opposed by that eminent authority, Bishop Kip, who did not 
3133wish any honors denied to the memory of the Founder of his family.
3134
3135HIPPOGRIFF, n.  An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half 
3136griffin.  The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and 
3137half eagle.  The hippogriff was actually, therefore, a one-quarter 
3138eagle, which is two dollars and fifty cents in gold.  The study of 
3139zoology is full of surprises.
3140
3141HISTORIAN, n.  A broad-gauge gossip.
3142
3143HISTORY, n.  An account mostly false, of events mostly unimportant, 
3144which are brought about by rulers mostly knaves, and soldiers mostly 
3145fools.
3146
3147    Of Roman history, great Niebuhr's shown
3148    'Tis nine-tenths lying.  Faith, I wish 'twere known,
3149    Ere we accept great Niebuhr as a guide,
3150    Wherein he blundered and how much he lied.
3151                                                           Salder Bupp
3152
3153HOG, n.  A bird remarkable for the catholicity of its appetite and 
3154serving to illustrate that of ours.  Among the Mahometans and Jews, 
3155the hog is not in favor as an article of diet, but is respected for 
3156the delicacy and the melody of its voice.  It is chiefly as a songster 
3157that the fowl is esteemed; the cage of him in full chorus has been 
3158known to draw tears from two persons at once.  The scientific name of 
3159this dicky-bird is _Porcus Rockefelleri_.  Mr. Rockefeller did not 
3160discover the hog, but it is considered his by right of resemblance.
3161
3162HOMOEOPATHIST, n.  The humorist of the medical profession.
3163
3164HOMOEOPATHY, n.  A school of medicine midway between Allopathy and 
3165Christian Science.  To the last both the others are distinctly 
3166inferior, for Christian Science will cure imaginary diseases, and they 
3167can not.
3168
3169HOMICIDE, n.  The slaying of one human being by another.  There are 
3170four kinds of homocide:  felonious, excusable, justifiable, and 
3171praiseworthy, but it makes no great difference to the person slain 
3172whether he fell by one kind or another -- the classification is for 
3173advantage of the lawyers.
3174
3175HOMILETICS, n.  The science of adapting sermons to the spiritual 
3176needs, capacities and conditions of the congregation.
3177
3178    So skilled the parson was in homiletics
3179    That all his normal purges and emetics
3180    To medicine the spirit were compounded
3181    With a most just discrimination founded
3182    Upon a rigorous examination
3183    Of tongue and pulse and heart and respiration.
3184    Then, having diagnosed each one's condition,
3185    His scriptural specifics this physician
3186    Administered -- his pills so efficacious
3187    And pukes of disposition so vivacious
3188    That souls afflicted with ten kinds of Adam
3189    Were convalescent ere they knew they had 'em.
3190    But Slander's tongue -- itself all coated -- uttered
3191    Her bilious mind and scandalously muttered
3192    That in the case of patients having money
3193    The pills were sugar and the pukes were honey.
3194                                          _Biography of Bishop Potter_
3195
3196HONORABLE, adj.  Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach.  In 
3197legislative bodies it is customary to mention all members as 
3198honorable; as, "the honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur."
3199
3200HOPE, n.  Desire and expectation rolled into one.
3201
3202    Delicious Hope! when naught to man it left --
3203    Of fortune destitute, of friends bereft;
3204    When even his dog deserts him, and his goat
3205    With tranquil disaffection chews his coat
3206    While yet it hangs upon his back; then thou,
3207    The star far-flaming on thine angel brow,
3208    Descendest, radiant, from the skies to hint
3209    The promise of a clerkship in the Mint.
3210                                                       Fogarty Weffing
3211
3212HOSPITALITY, n.  The virtue which induces us to feed and lodge certain 
3213persons who are not in need of food and lodging.
3214
3215HOSTILITY, n.  A peculiarly sharp and specially applied sense of the 
3216earth's overpopulation.  Hostility is classified as active and 
3217passive; as (respectively) the feeling of a woman for her female 
3218friends, and that which she entertains for all the rest of her sex.
3219
3220HOURI, n.  A comely female inhabiting the Mohammedan Paradise to make 
3221things cheery for the good Mussulman, whose belief in her existence 
3222marks a noble discontent with his earthly spouse, whom he denies a 
3223soul.  By that good lady the Houris are said to be held in deficient 
3224esteem.
3225
3226HOUSE, n.  A hollow edifice erected for the habitation of man, rat, 
3227mouse, beelte, cockroach, fly, mosquito, flea, bacillus and microbe.  
3228_House of Correction_, a place of reward for political and personal 
3229service, and for the detention of offenders and appropriations.  
3230_House of God_, a building with a steeple and a mortgage on it.  
3231_House-dog_, a pestilent beast kept on domestic premises to insult 
3232persons passing by and appal the hardy visitor.  _House-maid_, a 
3233youngerly person of the opposing sex employed to be variously 
3234disagreeable and ingeniously unclean in the station in which it has 
3235pleased God to place her.
3236
3237HOUSELESS, adj.  Having paid all taxes on household goods.
3238
3239HOVEL, n.  The fruit of a flower called the Palace.
3240
3241        Twaddle had a hovel,
3242            Twiddle had a palace;
3243        Twaddle said:  "I'll grovel
3244            Or he'll think I bear him malice" --
3245    A sentiment as novel
3246        As a castor on a chalice.
3247
3248        Down upon the middle
3249            Of his legs fell Twaddle
3250        And astonished Mr. Twiddle,
3251            Who began to lift his noddle.
3252        Feed upon the fiddle-
3253            Faddle flummery, unswaddle
3254    A new-born self-sufficiency and think himself a [mockery.]
3255                                                                  G.J.
3256
3257HUMANITY, n.  The human race, collectively, exclusive of the 
3258anthropoid poets.
3259
3260HUMORIST, n.  A plague that would have softened down the hoar 
3261austerity of Pharaoh's heart and persuaded him to dismiss Israel with 
3262his best wishes, cat-quick.
3263
3264    Lo! the poor humorist, whose tortured mind
3265    See jokes in crowds, though still to gloom inclined --
3266    Whose simple appetite, untaught to stray,
3267    His brains, renewed by night, consumes by day.
3268    He thinks, admitted to an equal sty,
3269    A graceful hog would bear his company.
3270                                                        Alexander Poke
3271
3272HURRICANE, n.  An atmospheric demonstration once very common but now 
3273generally abandoned for the tornado and cyclone.  The hurricane is 
3274still in popular use in the West Indies and is preferred by certain 
3275old-fashioned sea-captains.  It is also used in the construction of 
3276the upper decks of steamboats, but generally speaking, the hurricane's 
3277usefulness has outlasted it.
3278
3279HURRY, n.  The dispatch of bunglers.
3280
3281HUSBAND, n.  One who, having dined, is charged with the care of the 
3282plate.
3283
3284HYBRID, n.  A pooled issue.
3285
3286HYDRA, n.  A kind of animal that the ancients catalogued under many 
3287heads.
3288
3289HYENA, n.  A beast held in reverence by some oriental nations from its 
3290habit of frequenting at night the burial-places of the dead.  But the 
3291medical student does that.
3292
3293HYPOCHONDRIASIS, n.  Depression of one's own spirits.
3294
3295    Some heaps of trash upon a vacant lot
3296    Where long the village rubbish had been shot
3297    Displayed a sign among the stuff and stumps --
3298    "Hypochondriasis."  It meant The Dumps.
3299                                                        Bogul S. Purvy
3300
3301HYPOCRITE, n.  One who, profession virtues that he does not respect 
3302secures the advantage of seeming to be what he depises.
3303
3304
3305                                  I
3306
3307
3308I is the first letter of the alphabet, the first word of the language, 
3309the first thought of the mind, the first object of affection.  In 
3310grammar it is a pronoun of the first person and singular number.  Its 
3311plural is said to be _We_, but how there can be more than one myself 
3312is doubtless clearer the grammarians than it is to the author of this 
3313incomparable dictionary.  Conception of two myselfs is difficult, but 
3314fine.  The frank yet graceful use of "I" distinguishes a good writer 
3315from a bad; the latter carries it with the manner of a thief trying to 
3316cloak his loot.
3317
3318ICHOR, n.  A fluid that serves the gods and goddesses in place of 
3319blood.
3320
3321    Fair Venus, speared by Diomed,
3322    Restrained the raging chief and said:
3323    "Behold, rash mortal, whom you've bled --
3324    Your soul's stained white with ichorshed!"
3325                                                             Mary Doke
3326
3327ICONOCLAST, n.  A breaker of idols, the worshipers whereof are 
3328imperfectly gratified by the performance, and most strenuously protest 
3329that he unbuildeth but doth not reedify, that he pulleth down but 
3330pileth not up.  For the poor things would have other idols in place of 
3331those he thwacketh upon the mazzard and dispelleth.  But the 
3332iconoclast saith:  "Ye shall have none at all, for ye need them not; 
3333and if the rebuilder fooleth round hereabout, behold I will depress 
3334the head of him and sit thereon till he squawk it."
3335
3336IDIOT, n.  A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in 
3337human affairs has always been dominant and controlling.  The Idiot's 
3338activity is not confined to any special field of thought or action, 
3339but "pervades and regulates the whole."  He has the last word in 
3340everything; his decision is unappealable.  He sets the fashions and 
3341opinion of taste, dictates the limitations of speech and circumscribes 
3342conduct with a dead-line.
3343
3344IDLENESS, n.  A model farm where the devil experiments with seeds of 
3345new sins and promotes the growth of staple vices.
3346
3347IGNORAMUS, n.  A person unacquainted with certain kinds of knowledge 
3348familiar to yourself, and having certain other kinds that you know 
3349nothing about.
3350
3351    Dumble was an ignoramus,
3352    Mumble was for learning famous.
3353    Mumble said one day to Dumble:
3354    "Ignorance should be more humble.
3355    Not a spark have you of knowledge
3356    That was got in any college."
3357    Dumble said to Mumble:  "Truly
3358    You're self-satisfied unduly.
3359    Of things in college I'm denied
3360    A knowledge -- you of all beside."
3361                                                               Borelli
3362
3363ILLUMINATI, n.  A sect of Spanish heretics of the latter part of the 
3364sixteenth century; so called because they were light weights -- 
3365_cunctationes illuminati_.
3366
3367ILLUSTRIOUS, adj.  Suitably placed for the shafts of malice, envy and 
3368detraction.
3369
3370IMAGINATION, n.  A warehouse of facts, with poet and liar in joint 
3371ownership.
3372
3373IMBECILITY, n.  A kind of divine inspiration, or sacred fire affecting 
3374censorious critics of this dictionary.
3375
3376IMMIGRANT, n.  An unenlightened person who thinks one country better 
3377than another.
3378
3379IMMODEST, adj.  Having a strong sense of one's own merit, coupled with 
3380a feeble conception of worth in others.
3381
3382    There was once a man in Ispahan
3383        Ever and ever so long ago,
3384    And he had a head, the phrenologists said,
3385        That fitted him for a show.
3386
3387    For his modesty's bump was so large a lump
3388        (Nature, they said, had taken a freak)
3389    That its summit stood far above the wood
3390        Of his hair, like a mountain peak.
3391
3392    So modest a man in all Ispahan,
3393        Over and over again they swore --
3394    So humble and meek, you would vainly seek;
3395        None ever was found before.
3396
3397    Meantime the hump of that awful bump
3398        Into the heavens contrived to get
3399    To so great a height that they called the wight
3400        The man with the minaret.
3401
3402    There wasn't a man in all Ispahan
3403        Prouder, or louder in praise of his chump:
3404    With a tireless tongue and a brazen lung
3405        He bragged of that beautiful bump
3406
3407    Till the Shah in a rage sent a trusty page
3408        Bearing a sack and a bow-string too,
3409    And that gentle child explained as he smiled:
3410        "A little present for you."
3411
3412    The saddest man in all Ispahan,
3413        Sniffed at the gift, yet accepted the same.
3414    "If I'd lived," said he, "my humility
3415        Had given me deathless fame!"
3416                                                          Sukker Uffro
3417
3418IMMORAL, adj.  Inexpedient.  Whatever in the long run and with regard 
3419to the greater number of instances men find to be generally 
3420inexpedient comes to be considered wrong, wicked, immoral.  If man's 
3421notions of right and wrong have any other basis than this of 
3422expediency; if they originated, or could have originated, in any other 
3423way; if actions have in themselves a moral character apart from, and 
3424nowise dependent on, their consequences -- then all philosophy is a 
3425lie and reason a disorder of the mind.
3426
3427IMMORTALITY, n.
3428
3429    A toy which people cry for,
3430    And on their knees apply for,
3431    Dispute, contend and lie for,
3432        And if allowed
3433        Would be right proud
3434    Eternally to die for.
3435                                                                  G.J.
3436
3437IMPALE, v.t.  In popular usage to pierce with any weapon which remains 
3438fixed in the wound.  This, however, is inaccurate; to imaple is, 
3439properly, to put to death by thrusting an upright sharp stake into the 
3440body, the victim being left in a sitting position.  This was a common 
3441mode of punishment among many of the nations of antiquity, and is 
3442still in high favor in China and other parts of Asia.  Down to the 
3443beginning of the fifteenth century it was widely employed in 
3444"churching" heretics and schismatics.  Wolecraft calls it the "stoole 
3445of repentynge," and among the common people it was jocularly known as 
3446"riding the one legged horse."  Ludwig Salzmann informs us that in 
3447Thibet impalement is considered the most appropriate punishment for 
3448crimes against religion; and although in China it is sometimes awarded 
3449for secular offences, it is most frequently adjudged in cases of 
3450sacrilege.  To the person in actual experience of impalement it must 
3451be a matter of minor importance by what kind of civil or religious 
3452dissent he was made acquainted with its discomforts; but doubtless he 
3453would feel a certain satisfaction if able to contemplate himself in 
3454the character of a weather-cock on the spire of the True Church.
3455
3456IMPARTIAL, adj.  Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage 
3457from espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two 
3458conflicting opinions.
3459
3460IMPENITENCE, n.  A state of mind intermediate in point of time between 
3461sin and punishment.
3462
3463IMPIETY, n.  Your irreverence toward my deity.
3464
3465IMPOSITION, n.  The act of blessing or consecrating by the laying on 
3466of hands -- a ceremony common to many ecclesiastical systems, but 
3467performed with the frankest sincerity by the sect known as Thieves.
3468
3469    "Lo! by the laying on of hands,"
3470        Say parson, priest and dervise,
3471    "We consecrate your cash and lands
3472        To ecclesiastical service.
3473    No doubt you'll swear till all is blue
3474    At such an imposition.  Do."
3475                                                          Pollo Doncas
3476
3477IMPOSTOR n.  A rival aspirant to public honors.
3478
3479IMPROBABILITY, n.
3480
3481    His tale he told with a solemn face
3482    And a tender, melancholy grace.
3483        Improbable 'twas, no doubt,
3484        When you came to think it out,
3485        But the fascinated crowd
3486        Their deep surprise avowed
3487    And all with a single voice averred
3488    'Twas the most amazing thing they'd heard --
3489    All save one who spake never a word,
3490        But sat as mum
3491        As if deaf and dumb,
3492    Serene, indifferent and unstirred.
3493        Then all the others turned to him
3494        And scrutinized him limb from limb --
3495        Scanned him alive;
3496        But he seemed to thrive
3497        And tranquiler grow each minute,
3498        As if there were nothing in it.
3499    "What! what!" cried one, "are you not amazed
3500    At what our friend has told?"  He raised
3501    Soberly then his eyes and gazed
3502        In a natural way
3503        And proceeded to say,
3504    As he crossed his feet on the mantel-shelf:
3505    "O no -- not at all; I'm a liar myself."
3506
3507IMPROVIDENCE, n.  Provision for the needs of to-day from the revenues 
3508of to-morrow.
3509
3510IMPUNITY, n.  Wealth.
3511
3512INADMISSIBLE, adj.  Not competent to be considered.  Said of certain 
3513kinds of testimony which juries are supposed to be unfit to be 
3514entrusted with, and which judges, therefore, rule out, even of 
3515proceedings before themselves alone.  Hearsay evidence is inadmissible 
3516because the person quoted was unsworn and is not before the court for 
3517examination; yet most momentous actions, military, political, 
3518commercial and of every other kind, are daily undertaken on hearsay 
3519evidence.  There is no religion in the world that has any other basis 
3520than hearsay evidence.  Revelation is hearsay evidence; that the 
3521Scriptures are the word of God we have only the testimony of men long 
3522dead whose identity is not clearly established and who are not known 
3523to have been sworn in any sense.  Under the rules of evidence as they 
3524now exist in this country, no single assertion in the Bible has in its 
3525support any evidence admissible in a court of law.  It cannot be 
3526proved that the battle of Blenheim ever was fought, that there was 
3527such as person as Julius Caesar, such an empire as Assyria.
3528    But as records of courts of justice are admissible, it can easily 
3529be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed and were 
3530a scourge to mankind.  The evidence (including confession) upon which 
3531certain women were convicted of witchcraft and executed was without a 
3532flaw; it is still unimpeachable.  The judges' decisions based on it 
3533were sound in logic and in law.  Nothing in any existing court was 
3534ever more thoroughly proved than the charges of witchcraft and sorcery 
3535for which so many suffered death.  If there were no witches, human 
3536testimony and human reason are alike destitute of value.
3537
3538INAUSPICIOUSLY, adv.  In an unpromising manner, the auspices being 
3539unfavorable.  Among the Romans it was customary before undertaking any 
3540important action or enterprise to obtain from the augurs, or state 
3541prophets, some hint of its probable outcome; and one of their favorite 
3542and most trustworthy modes of divination consisted in observing the 
3543flight of birds -- the omens thence derived being called _auspices_.  
3544Newspaper reporters and certain miscreant lexicographers have decided 
3545that the word -- always in the plural -- shall mean "patronage" or 
3546"management"; as, "The festivities were under the auspices of the 
3547Ancient and Honorable Order of Body-Snatchers"; or, "The hilarities 
3548were auspicated by the Knights of Hunger."
3549
3550    A Roman slave appeared one day
3551    Before the Augur.  "Tell me, pray,
3552    If --" here the Augur, smiling, made
3553    A checking gesture and displayed
3554    His open palm, which plainly itched,
3555    For visibly its surface twitched.
3556    A _denarius_ (the Latin nickel)
3557    Successfully allayed the tickle,
3558    And then the slave proceeded:  "Please
3559    Inform me whether Fate decrees
3560    Success or failure in what I
3561    To-night (if it be dark) shall try.
3562    Its nature?  Never mind -- I think
3563    'Tis writ on this" -- and with a wink
3564    Which darkened half the earth, he drew
3565    Another denarius to view,
3566    Its shining face attentive scanned,
3567    Then slipped it into the good man's hand,
3568    Who with great gravity said:  "Wait
3569    While I retire to question Fate."
3570    That holy person then withdrew
3571    His scared clay and, passing through
3572    The temple's rearward gate, cried "Shoo!"
3573    Waving his robe of office.  Straight
3574    Each sacred peacock and its mate
3575    (Maintained for Juno's favor) fled
3576    With clamor from the trees o'erhead,
3577    Where they were perching for the night.
3578    The temple's roof received their flight,
3579    For thither they would always go,
3580    When danger threatened them below.
3581    Back to the slave the Augur went:
3582    "My son, forecasting the event
3583    By flight of birds, I must confess
3584    The auspices deny success."
3585    That slave retired, a sadder man,
3586    Abandoning his secret plan --
3587    Which was (as well the craft seer
3588    Had from the first divined) to clear
3589    The wall and fraudulently seize
3590    On Juno's poultry in the trees.
3591                                                                  G.J.
3592
3593INCOME, n.  The natural and rational gauge and measure of 
3594respectability, the commonly accepted standards being artificial, 
3595arbitrary and fallacious; for, as "Sir Sycophas Chrysolater" in the 
3596play has justly remarked, "the true use and function of property (in 
3597whatsoever it consisteth -- coins, or land, or houses, or merchant- 
3598stuff, or anything which may be named as holden of right to one's own 
3599subservience) as also of honors, titles, preferments and place, and 
3600all favor and acquaintance of persons of quality or ableness, are but 
3601to get money.  Hence it followeth that all things are truly to be 
3602rated as of worth in measure of their serviceableness to that end; and 
3603their possessors should take rank in agreement thereto, neither the 
3604lord of an unproducing manor, howsoever broad and ancient, nor he who 
3605bears an unremunerate dignity, nor yet the pauper favorite of a king, 
3606being esteemed of level excellency with him whose riches are of daily 
3607accretion; and hardly should they whose wealth is barren claim and 
3608rightly take more honor than the poor and unworthy."
3609
3610INCOMPATIBILITY, n.  In matrimony a similarity of tastes, particularly 
3611the taste for domination.  Incompatibility may, however, consist of a 
3612meek-eyed matron living just around the corner.  It has even been 
3613known to wear a moustache.
3614
3615INCOMPOSSIBLE, adj.  Unable to exist if something else exists.  Two 
3616things are incompossible when the world of being has scope enough for 
3617one of them, but not enough for both -- as Walt Whitman's poetry and 
3618God's mercy to man.  Incompossibility, it will be seen, is only 
3619incompatibility let loose.  Instead of such low language as "Go heel 
3620yourself -- I mean to kill you on sight," the words, "Sir, we are 
3621incompossible," would convey and equally significant intimation and in 
3622stately courtesy are altogether superior.
3623
3624INCUBUS, n.  One of a race of highly improper demons who, though 
3625probably not wholly extinct, may be said to have seen their best 
3626nights.  For a complete account of _incubi_ and _succubi_, including 
3627_incubae_ and _succubae_, see the _Liber Demonorum_ of Protassus 
3628(Paris, 1328), which contains much curious information that would be 
3629out of place in a dictionary intended as a text-book for the public 
3630schools.
3631    Victor Hugo relates that in the Channel Islands Satan himself -- 
3632tempted more than elsewhere by the beauty of the women, doubtless -- 
3633sometimes plays at _incubus_, greatly to the inconvenience and alarm 
3634of the good dames who wish to be loyal to their marriage vows, 
3635generally speaking.  A certain lady applied to the parish priest to 
3636learn how they might, in the dark, distinguish the hardy intruder from 
3637their husbands.  The holy man said they must feel his brown for horns; 
3638but Hugo is ungallant enough to hint a doubt of the efficacy of the 
3639test.
3640
3641INCUMBENT, n.  A person of the liveliest interest to the outcumbents.
3642
3643INDECISION, n.  The chief element of success; "for whereas," saith Sir 
3644Thomas Brewbold, "there is but one way to do nothing and divers way to 
3645do something, whereof, to a surety, only one is the right way, it 
3646followeth that he who from indecision standeth still hath not so many 
3647chances of going astray as he who pusheth forwards" -- a most clear 
3648and satisfactory exposition on the matter.
3649    "Your prompt decision to attack," said Genera Grant on a certain 
3650occasion to General Gordon Granger, "was admirable; you had but five 
3651minutes to make up your mind in."
3652    "Yes, sir," answered the victorious subordinate, "it is a great 
3653thing to be know exactly what to do in an emergency.  When in doubt 
3654whether to attack or retreat I never hesitate a moment -- I toss us a 
3655copper."
3656    "Do you mean to say that's what you did this time?"
3657    "Yes, General; but for Heaven's sake don't reprimand me:  I 
3658disobeyed the coin."
3659
3660INDIFFERENT, adj.  Imperfectly sensible to distinctions among things.
3661
3662    "You tiresome man!" cried Indolentio's wife,
3663    "You've grown indifferent to all in life."
3664    "Indifferent?" he drawled with a slow smile;
3665    "I would be, dear, but it is not worth while."
3666                                                     Apuleius M. Gokul
3667
3668INDIGESTION, n.  A disease which the patient and his friends 
3669frequently mistake for deep religious conviction and concern for the 
3670salvation of mankind.  As the simple Red Man of the western wild put 
3671it, with, it must be confessed, a certain force:  "Plenty well, no 
3672pray; big bellyache, heap God."
3673
3674INDISCRETION, n.  The guilt of woman.
3675
3676INEXPEDIENT, adj.  Not calculated to advance one's interests.
3677
3678INFANCY, n.  The period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth, 
3679"Heaven lies about us."  The world begins lying about us pretty soon 
3680afterward.
3681
3682INFERIAE,n.  [Latin]  Among the Greeks and Romans, sacrifices for 
3683propitation of the _Dii Manes_, or souls of the dead heroes; for the 
3684pious ancients could not invent enough gods to satisfy their spiritual 
3685needs, and had to have a number of makeshift deities, or, as a sailor 
3686might say, jury-gods, which they made out of the most unpromising 
3687materials.  It was while sacrificing a bullock to the spirit of 
3688Agamemnon that Laiaides, a priest of Aulis, was favored with an 
3689audience of that illustrious warrior's shade, who prophetically 
3690recounted to him the birth of Christ and the triumph of Christianity, 
3691giving him also a rapid but tolerably complete review of events down 
3692to the reign of Saint Louis.  The narrative ended abruptly at the 
3693point, owing to the inconsiderate crowing of a cock, which compelled 
3694the ghosted King of Men to scamper back to Hades.  There is a fine 
3695mediaeval flavor to this story, and as it has not been traced back 
3696further than Pere Brateille, a pious but obscure writer at the court 
3697of Saint Louis, we shall probably not err on the side of presumption 
3698in considering it apocryphal, though Monsignor Capel's judgment of the 
3699matter might be different; and to that I bow -- wow.
3700
3701INFIDEL, n.  In New York, one who does not believe in the Christian 
3702religion; in Constantinople, one who does.  (See GIAOUR.)  A kind of 
3703scoundrel imperfectly reverent of, and niggardly contributory to, 
3704divines, ecclesiastics, popes, parsons, canons, monks, mollahs, 
3705voodoos, presbyters, hierophants, prelates, obeah-men, abbes, nuns, 
3706missionaries, exhorters, deacons, friars, hadjis, high-priests, 
3707muezzins, brahmins, medicine-men, confessors, eminences, elders, 
3708primates, prebendaries, pilgrims, prophets, imaums, beneficiaries, 
3709clerks, vicars-choral, archbishops, bishops, abbots, priors, 
3710preachers, padres, abbotesses, caloyers, palmers, curates, patriarchs, 
3711bonezs, santons, beadsmen, canonesses, residentiaries, diocesans, 
3712deans, subdeans, rural deans, abdals, charm-sellers, archdeacons, 
3713hierarchs, class-leaders, incumbents, capitulars, sheiks, talapoins, 
3714postulants, scribes, gooroos, precentors, beadles, fakeers, sextons, 
3715reverences, revivalists, cenobites, perpetual curates, chaplains, 
3716mudjoes, readers, novices, vicars, pastors, rabbis, ulemas, lamas, 
3717sacristans, vergers, dervises, lectors, church wardens, cardinals, 
3718prioresses, suffragans, acolytes, rectors, cures, sophis, mutifs and 
3719pumpums.
3720
3721INFLUENCE, n.  In politics, a visionary _quo_ given in exchange for a 
3722substantial _quid_.
3723
3724INFALAPSARIAN, n.  One who ventures to believe that Adam need not have 
3725sinned unless he had a mind to -- in opposition to the 
3726Supralapsarians, who hold that that luckless person's fall was decreed 
3727from the beginning.  Infralapsarians are sometimes called 
3728Sublapsarians without material effect upon the importance and lucidity 
3729of their views about Adam.
3730
3731    Two theologues once, as they wended their way
3732    To chapel, engaged in colloquial fray --
3733    An earnest logomachy, bitter as gall,
3734    Concerning poor Adam and what made him fall.
3735    "'Twas Predestination," cried one -- "for the Lord
3736    Decreed he should fall of his own accord."
3737    "Not so -- 'twas Free will," the other maintained,
3738    "Which led him to choose what the Lord had ordained."
3739    So fierce and so fiery grew the debate
3740    That nothing but bloodshed their dudgeon could sate;
3741    So off flew their cassocks and caps to the ground
3742    And, moved by the spirit, their hands went round.
3743    Ere either had proved his theology right
3744    By winning, or even beginning, the fight,
3745    A gray old professor of Latin came by,
3746    A staff in his hand and a scowl in his eye,
3747    And learning the cause of their quarrel (for still
3748    As they clumsily sparred they disputed with skill
3749    Of foreordination freedom of will)
3750    Cried:  "Sirrahs! this reasonless warfare compose:
3751    Atwixt ye's no difference worthy of blows.
3752    The sects ye belong to -- I'm ready to swear
3753    Ye wrongly interpret the names that they bear.
3754    _You_ -- Infralapsarian son of a clown! --
3755    Should only contend that Adam slipped down;
3756    While _you_ -- you Supralapsarian pup! --
3757    Should nothing aver but that Adam slipped up.
3758    It's all the same whether up or down
3759    You slip on a peel of banana brown.
3760    Even Adam analyzed not his blunder,
3761    But thought he had slipped on a peal of thunder!
3762                                                                  G.J.
3763
3764INGRATE, n.  One who receives a benefit from another, or is otherwise 
3765an object of charity.
3766
3767    "All men are ingrates," sneered the cynic.  "Nay,"
3768        The good philanthropist replied;
3769    "I did great service to a man one day
3770    Who never since has cursed me to repay,
3771                Nor vilified."
3772
3773    "Ho!" cried the cynic, "lead me to him straight --
3774        With veneration I am overcome,
3775    And fain would have his blessing."  "Sad your fate --
3776    He cannot bless you, for AI grieve to state
3777                This man is dumb."
3778                                                            Ariel Selp
3779
3780INJURY, n.  An offense next in degree of enormity to a slight.
3781
3782INJUSTICE, n.  A burden which of all those that we load upon others 
3783and carry ourselves is lightest in the hands and heaviest upon the 
3784back.
3785
3786INK, n.  A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic and 
3787water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and promote 
3788intellectual crime.  The properties of ink are peculiar and 
3789contradictory:  it may be used to make reputations and unmake them; to 
3790blacken them and to make them white; but it is most generally and 
3791acceptably employed as a mortar to bind together the stones of an 
3792edifice of fame, and as a whitewash to conceal afterward the rascal 
3793quality of the material.  There are men called journalists who have 
3794established ink baths which some persons pay money to get into, others 
3795to get out of.  Not infrequently it occurs that a person who has paid 
3796to get in pays twice as much to get out.
3797
3798INNATE, adj.  Natural, inherent -- as innate ideas, that is to say, 
3799ideas that we are born with, having had them previously imparted to 
3800us.  The doctrine of innate ideas is one of the most admirable faiths 
3801of philosophy, being itself an innate idea and therefore inaccessible 
3802to disproof, though Locke foolishly supposed himself to have given it 
3803"a black eye."  Among innate ideas may be mentioned the belief in 
3804one's ability to conduct a newspaper, in the greatness of one's 
3805country, in the superiority of one's civilization, in the importance 
3806of one's personal affairs and in the interesting nature of one's 
3807diseases.
3808
3809IN'ARDS, n.  The stomach, heart, soul and other bowels.  Many eminent 
3810investigators do not class the soul as an in'ard, but that acute 
3811observer and renowned authority, Dr. Gunsaulus, is persuaded that the 
3812mysterious organ known as the spleen is nothing less than our 
3813important part.  To the contrary, Professor Garrett P. Servis holds 
3814that man's soul is that prolongation of his spinal marrow which forms 
3815the pith of his no tail; and for demonstration of his faith points 
3816confidently to the fact that no tailed animals have no souls.  
3817Concerning these two theories, it is best to suspend judgment by 
3818believing both.
3819
3820INSCRIPTION, n.  Something written on another thing.  Inscriptions are 
3821of many kinds, but mostly memorial, intended to commemorate the fame 
3822of some illustrious person and hand down to distant ages the record of 
3823his services and virtues.  To this class of inscriptions belongs the 
3824name of John Smith, penciled on the Washington monument.  Following 
3825are examples of memorial inscriptions on tombstones:  (See EPITAPH.)
3826
3827    "In the sky my soul is found,
3828    And my body in the ground.
3829    By and by my body'll rise
3830    To my spirit in the skies,
3831    Soaring up to Heaven's gate.
3832            1878."
3833
3834    "Sacred to the memory of Jeremiah Tree.  Cut down May 9th, 1862, 
3835aged 27 yrs. 4 mos. and 12 ds.  Indigenous."
3836
3837        "Affliction sore long time she boar,
3838            Phisicians was in vain,
3839        Till Deth released the dear deceased
3840            And left her a remain.
3841    Gone to join Ananias in the regions of bliss."
3842
3843    "The clay that rests beneath this stone
3844    As Silas Wood was widely known.
3845    Now, lying here, I ask what good
3846    It was to let me be S. Wood.
3847    O Man, let not ambition trouble you,
3848    Is the advice of Silas W."
3849
3850    "Richard Haymon, of Heaven.  Fell to Earth Jan. 20, 1807, and had 
3851the dust brushed off him Oct. 3, 1874."
3852
3853INSECTIVORA, n.
3854
3855    "See," cries the chorus of admiring preachers,
3856    "How Providence provides for all His creatures!"
3857    "His care," the gnat said, "even the insects follows:
3858    For us He has provided wrens and swallows."
3859                                                         Sempen Railey
3860
3861INSURANCE, n.  An ingenious modern game of chance in which the player 
3862is permitted to enjoy the comfortable conviction that he is beating 
3863the man who keeps the table.
3864
3865    INSURANCE AGENT:  My dear sir, that is a fine house -- pray let me 
3866        insure it.
3867    HOUSE OWNER:  With pleasure.  Please make the annual premium so 
3868        low that by the time when, according to the tables of your 
3869        actuary, it will probably be destroyed by fire I will have 
3870        paid you considerably less than the face of the policy.
3871    INSURANCE AGENT:  O dear, no -- we could not afford to do that.  
3872        We must fix the premium so that you will have paid more.
3873    HOUSE OWNER:  How, then, can _I_ afford _that_?
3874    INSURANCE AGENT:  Why, your house may burn down at any time.  
3875        There was Smith's house, for example, which --
3876    HOUSE OWNER:  Spare me -- there were Brown's house, on the 
3877        contrary, and Jones's house, and Robinson's house, which --
3878    INSURANCE AGENT:  Spare _me_!
3879    HOUSE OWNER:  Let us understand each other.  You want me to pay 
3880        you money on the supposition that something will occur 
3881        previously to the time set by yourself for its occurrence.  In 
3882        other words, you expect me to bet that my house will not last 
3883        so long as you say that it will probably last.
3884    INSURANCE AGENT:  But if your house burns without insurance it 
3885        will be a total loss.
3886    HOUSE OWNER:  Beg your pardon -- by your own actuary's tables I 
3887        shall probably have saved, when it burns, all the premiums I 
3888        would otherwise have paid to you -- amounting to more than the 
3889        face of the policy they would have bought.  But suppose it to 
3890        burn, uninsured, before the time upon which your figures are 
3891        based.  If I could not afford that, how could you if it were 
3892        insured?
3893    INSURANCE AGENT:  O, we should make ourselves whole from our 
3894        luckier ventures with other clients.  Virtually, they pay your 
3895        loss.
3896    HOUSE OWNER:  And virtually, then, don't I help to pay their 
3897        losses?  Are not their houses as likely as mine to burn before 
3898        they have paid you as much as you must pay them?  The case 
3899        stands this way:  you expect to take more money from your 
3900        clients than you pay to them, do you not?
3901    INSURANCE AGENT:  Certainly; if we did not --
3902    HOUSE OWNER:  I would not trust you with my money.  Very well 
3903        then.  If it is _certain_, with reference to the whole body of 
3904        your clients, that they lose money on you it is _probable_, 
3905        with reference to any one of them, that _he_ will.  It is 
3906        these individual probabilities that make the aggregate 
3907        certainty.
3908    INSURANCE AGENT:  I will not deny it -- but look at the figures in 
3909        this pamph --
3910    HOUSE OWNER:  Heaven forbid!
3911    INSURANCE AGENT:  You spoke of saving the premiums which you would 
3912        otherwise pay to me.  Will you not be more likely to squander 
3913        them?  We offer you an incentive to thrift.
3914    HOUSE OWNER:  The willingness of A to take care of B's money is 
3915        not peculiar to insurance, but as a charitable institution you 
3916        command esteem.  Deign to accept its expression from a 
3917        Deserving Object.
3918
3919INSURRECTION, n.  An unsuccessful revolution.  Disaffection's failure 
3920to substitute misrule for bad government.
3921
3922INTENTION, n.  The mind's sense of the prevalence of one set of 
3923influences over another set; an effect whose cause is the imminence, 
3924immediate or remote, of the performance of an involuntary act.
3925
3926INTERPRETER, n.  One who enables two persons of different languages to 
3927understand each other by repeating to each what it would have been to 
3928the interpreter's advantage for the other to have said.
3929
3930INTERREGNUM, n.  The period during which a monarchical country is 
3931governed by a warm spot on the cushion of the throne.  The experiment 
3932of letting the spot grow cold has commonly been attended by most 
3933unhappy results from the zeal of many worthy persons to make it warm 
3934again.
3935
3936INTIMACY, n.  A relation into which fools are providentially drawn for 
3937their mutual destruction.
3938
3939    Two Seidlitz powders, one in blue
3940    And one in white, together drew
3941    And having each a pleasant sense
3942    Of t'other powder's excellence,
3943    Forsook their jackets for the snug
3944    Enjoyment of a common mug.
3945    So close their intimacy grew
3946    One paper would have held the two.
3947    To confidences straight they fell,
3948    Less anxious each to hear than tell;
3949    Then each remorsefully confessed
3950    To all the virtues he possessed,
3951    Acknowledging he had them in
3952    So high degree it was a sin.
3953    The more they said, the more they felt
3954    Their spirits with emotion melt,
3955    Till tears of sentiment expressed
3956    Their feelings.  Then they effervesced!
3957    So Nature executes her feats
3958    Of wrath on friends and sympathetes
3959    The good old rule who don't apply,
3960    That you are you and I am I.
3961
3962INTRODUCTION, n.  A social ceremony invented by the devil for the 
3963gratification of his servants and the plaguing of his enemies.  The 
3964introduction attains its most malevolent development in this century, 
3965being, indeed, closely related to our political system.  Every 
3966American being the equal of every other American, it follows that 
3967everybody has the right to know everybody else, which implies the 
3968right to introduce without request or permission.  The Declaration of 
3969Independence should have read thus:
3970
3971        "We hold these truths to be self-evident:  that all men are 
3972    created equal; that they are endowed by their Creator with certain 
3973    inalienable rights; that among these are life, and the right to 
3974    make that of another miserable by thrusting upon him an 
3975    incalculable quantity of acquaintances; liberty, particularly the 
3976    liberty to introduce persons to one another without first 
3977    ascertaining if they are not already acquainted as enemies; and 
3978    the pursuit of another's happiness with a running pack of 
3979    strangers."
3980
3981INVENTOR, n.  A person who makes an ingenious arrangement of wheels, 
3982levers and springs, and believes it civilization.
3983
3984IRRELIGION, n.  The principal one of the great faiths of the world.
3985
3986ITCH, n.  The patriotism of a Scotchman.
3987
3988
3989                                  J
3990
3991
3992J is a consonant in English, but some nations use it as a vowel -- 
3993than which nothing could be more absurd.  Its original form, which has 
3994been but slightly modified, was that of the tail of a subdued dog, and 
3995it was not a letter but a character, standing for a Latin verb, 
3996_jacere_, "to throw," because when a stone is thrown at a dog the 
3997dog's tail assumes that shape.  This is the origin of the letter, as 
3998expounded by the renowned Dr. Jocolpus Bumer, of the University of 
3999Belgrade, who established his conclusions on the subject in a work of 
4000three quarto volumes and committed suicide on being reminded that the 
4001j in the Roman alphabet had originally no curl.
4002
4003JEALOUS, adj.  Unduly concerned about the preservation of that which 
4004can be lost only if not worth keeping.
4005
4006JESTER, n.  An officer formerly attached to a king's household, whose 
4007business it was to amuse the court by ludicrous actions and 
4008utterances, the absurdity being attested by his motley costume.  The 
4009king himself being attired with dignity, it took the world some 
4010centuries to discover that his own conduct and decrees were 
4011sufficiently ridiculous for the amusement not only of his court but of 
4012all mankind.  The jester was commonly called a fool, but the poets and 
4013romancers have ever delighted to represent him as a singularly wise 
4014and witty person.  In the circus of to-day the melancholy ghost of the 
4015court fool effects the dejection of humbler audiences with the same 
4016jests wherewith in life he gloomed the marble hall, panged the 
4017patrician sense of humor and tapped the tank of royal tears.
4018
4019    The widow-queen of Portugal
4020        Had an audacious jester
4021    Who entered the confessional
4022        Disguised, and there confessed her.
4023
4024    "Father," she said, "thine ear bend down --
4025        My sins are more than scarlet:
4026    I love my fool -- blaspheming clown,
4027        And common, base-born varlet."
4028
4029    "Daughter," the mimic priest replied,
4030        "That sin, indeed, is awful:
4031    The church's pardon is denied
4032        To love that is unlawful.
4033
4034    "But since thy stubborn heart will be
4035        For him forever pleading,
4036    Thou'dst better make him, by decree,
4037        A man of birth and breeding."
4038
4039    She made the fool a duke, in hope
4040        With Heaven's taboo to palter;
4041    Then told a priest, who told the Pope,
4042        Who damned her from the altar!
4043                                                            Barel Dort
4044
4045JEWS-HARP, n.  An unmusical instrument, played by holding it fast with 
4046the teeth and trying to brush it away with the finger.
4047
4048JOSS-STICKS, n.  Small sticks burned by the Chinese in their pagan 
4049tomfoolery, in imitation of certain sacred rites of our holy religion.
4050
4051JUSTICE, n.  A commodity which is a more or less adulterated condition 
4052the State sells to the citizen as a reward for his allegiance, taxes 
4053and personal service.
4054
4055
4056                                  K
4057
4058
4059
4060K is a consonant that we get from the Greeks, but it can be traced 
4061away back beyond them to the Cerathians, a small commercial nation 
4062inhabiting the peninsula of Smero.  In their tongue it was called 
4063_Klatch_, which means "destroyed."  The form of the letter was 
4064originally precisely that of our H, but the erudite Dr. Snedeker 
4065explains that it was altered to its present shape to commemorate the 
4066destruction of the great temple of Jarute by an earthquake, _circa_ 
4067730 B.C.  This building was famous for the two lofty columns of its 
4068portico, one of which was broken in half by the catastrophe, the other 
4069remaining intact.  As the earlier form of the letter is supposed to 
4070have been suggested by these pillars, so, it is thought by the great 
4071antiquary, its later was adopted as a simple and natural -- not to say 
4072touching -- means of keeping the calamity ever in the national memory.  
4073It is not known if the name of the letter was altered as an additional 
4074mnemonic, or if the name was always _Klatch_ and the destruction one 
4075of nature's pums.  As each theory seems probable enough, I see no 
4076objection to believing both -- and Dr. Snedeker arrayed himself on 
4077that side of the question.
4078
4079KEEP, v.t.
4080
4081    He willed away his whole estate,
4082        And then in death he fell asleep,
4083    Murmuring:  "Well, at any rate,
4084        My name unblemished I shall keep."
4085    But when upon the tomb 'twas wrought
4086    Whose was it? -- for the dead keep naught.
4087                                                     Durang Gophel Arn
4088
4089KILL, v.t.  To create a vacancy without nominating a successor.
4090
4091KILT, n.  A costume sometimes worn by Scotchmen in America and 
4092Americans in Scotland.
4093
4094KINDNESS, n.  A brief preface to ten volumes of exaction.
4095
4096KING, n.  A male person commonly known in America as a "crowned head," 
4097although he never wears a crown and has usually no head to speak of.
4098
4099    A king, in times long, long gone by,
4100        Said to his lazy jester:
4101    "If I were you and you were I
4102    My moments merrily would fly --
4103        Nor care nor grief to pester."
4104
4105    "The reason, Sire, that you would thrive,"
4106        The fool said -- "if you'll hear it --
4107    Is that of all the fools alive
4108    Who own you for their sovereign, I've
4109        The most forgiving spirit."
4110                                                             Oogum Bem
4111
4112KING'S EVIL, n.  A malady that was formerly cured by the touch of the 
4113sovereign, but has now to be treated by the physicians.  Thus 'the 
4114most pious Edward" of England used to lay his royal hand upon the 
4115ailing subjects and make them whole --
4116
4117                    a crowd of wretched souls
4118    That stay his cure:  their malady convinces
4119    The great essay of art; but at his touch,
4120    Such sanctity hath Heaven given his hand,
4121    They presently amend,
4122
4123as the "Doctor" in _Macbeth_ hath it.  This useful property of the 
4124royal hand could, it appears, be transmitted along with other crown 
4125properties; for according to "Malcolm,"
4126
4127                            'tis spoken
4128    To the succeeding royalty he leaves
4129    The healing benediction.
4130
4131    But the gift somewhere dropped out of the line of succession:  the 
4132later sovereigns of England have not been tactual healers, and the 
4133disease once honored with the name "king's evil" now bears the humbler 
4134one of "scrofula," from _scrofa_, a sow.  The date and author of the 
4135following epigram are known only to the author of this dictionary, but 
4136it is old enough to show that the jest about Scotland's national 
4137disorder is not a thing of yesterday.
4138
4139    Ye Kynge his evill in me laye,
4140    Wh. he of Scottlande charmed awaye.
4141    He layde his hand on mine and sayd:
4142    "Be gone!"  Ye ill no longer stayd.
4143    But O ye wofull plyght in wh.
4144    I'm now y-pight:  I have ye itche!
4145
4146    The superstition that maladies can be cured by royal taction is 
4147dead, but like many a departed conviction it has left a monument of 
4148custom to keep its memory green.  The practice of forming a line and 
4149shaking the President's hand had no other origin, and when that great 
4150dignitary bestows his healing salutation on
4151
4152                        strangely visited people,
4153    All swoln and ulcerous, pitiful to the eye,
4154    The mere despair of surgery,
4155
4156he and his patients are handing along an extinguished torch which once 
4157was kindled at the altar-fire of a faith long held by all classes of 
4158men.  It is a beautiful and edifying "survival" -- one which brings 
4159the sainted past close home in our "business and bosoms."
4160
4161KISS, n.  A word invented by the poets as a rhyme for "bliss."  It is 
4162supposed to signify, in a general way, some kind of rite or ceremony 
4163appertaining to a good understanding; but the manner of its 
4164performance is unknown to this lexicographer.
4165
4166KLEPTOMANIAC, n.  A rich thief.
4167
4168KNIGHT, n.
4169
4170    Once a warrior gentle of birth,
4171    Then a person of civic worth,
4172    Now a fellow to move our mirth.
4173    Warrior, person, and fellow -- no more:
4174    We must knight our dogs to get any lower.
4175    Brave Knights Kennelers then shall be,
4176    Noble Knights of the Golden Flea,
4177    Knights of the Order of St. Steboy,
4178    Knights of St. Gorge and Sir Knights Jawy.
4179    God speed the day when this knighting fad
4180    Shall go to the dogs and the dogs go mad.
4181
4182KORAN, n.  A book which the Mohammedans foolishly believe to have been 
4183written by divine inspiration, but which Christians know to be a 
4184wicked imposture, contradictory to the Holy Scriptures.
4185
4186
4187                                  L
4188
4189
4190LABOR, n.  One of the processes by which A acquires property for B.
4191
4192LAND, n.  A part of the earth's surface, considered as property.  The 
4193theory that land is property subject to private ownership and control 
4194is the foundation of modern society, and is eminently worthy of the 
4195superstructure.  Carried to its logical conclusion, it means that some 
4196have the right to prevent others from living; for the right to own 
4197implies the right exclusively to occupy; and in fact laws of trespass 
4198are enacted wherever property in land is recognized.  It follows that 
4199if the whole area of _terra firma_ is owned by A, B and C, there will 
4200be no place for D, E, F and G to be born, or, born as trespassers, to 
4201exist.
4202
4203    A life on the ocean wave,
4204        A home on the rolling deep,
4205    For the spark the nature gave
4206        I have there the right to keep.
4207
4208    They give me the cat-o'-nine
4209        Whenever I go ashore.
4210    Then ho! for the flashing brine --
4211        I'm a natural commodore!
4212                                                                 Dodle
4213
4214LANGUAGE, n.  The music with which we charm the serpents guarding 
4215another's treasure.
4216
4217LAOCOON, n.  A famous piece of antique scripture representing a priest 
4218of that name and his two sons in the folds of two enormous serpents.  
4219The skill and diligence with which the old man and lads support the 
4220serpents and keep them up to their work have been justly regarded as 
4221one of the noblest artistic illustrations of the mastery of human 
4222intelligence over brute inertia.
4223
4224LAP, n.  One of the most important organs of the female system -- an 
4225admirable provision of nature for the repose of infancy, but chiefly 
4226useful in rural festivities to support plates of cold chicken and 
4227heads of adult males.  The male of our species has a rudimentary lap, 
4228imperfectly developed and in no way contributing to the animal's 
4229substantial welfare.
4230
4231LAST, n.  A shoemaker's implement, named by a frowning Providence as 
4232opportunity to the maker of puns.
4233
4234    Ah, punster, would my lot were cast,
4235        Where the cobbler is unknown,
4236    So that I might forget his last
4237        And hear your own.
4238                                                          Gargo Repsky
4239
4240LAUGHTER, n.  An interior convulsion, producing a distortion of the 
4241features and accompanied by inarticulate noises.  It is infectious 
4242and, though intermittent, incurable.  Liability to attacks of laughter 
4243is one of the characteristics distinguishing man from the animals -- 
4244these being not only inaccessible to the provocation of his example, 
4245but impregnable to the microbes having original jurisdiction in 
4246bestowal of the disease.  Whether laughter could be imparted to 
4247animals by inoculation from the human patient is a question that has 
4248not been answered by experimentation.  Dr. Meir Witchell holds that 
4249the infection character of laughter is due to the instantaneous 
4250fermentation of _sputa_ diffused in a spray.  From this peculiarity he 
4251names the disorder _Convulsio spargens_.
4252
4253LAUREATE, adj.  Crowned with leaves of the laurel.  In England the 
4254Poet Laureate is an officer of the sovereign's court, acting as 
4255dancing skeleton at every royal feast and singing-mute at every royal 
4256funeral.  Of all incumbents of that high office, Robert Southey had 
4257the most notable knack at drugging the Samson of public joy and 
4258cutting his hair to the quick; and he had an artistic color-sense 
4259which enabled him so to blacken a public grief as to give it the 
4260aspect of a national crime.
4261
4262LAUREL, n.  The _laurus_, a vegetable dedicated to Apollo, and 
4263formerly defoliated to wreathe the brows of victors and such poets as 
4264had influence at court.  (_Vide supra._)
4265
4266LAW, n.
4267
4268    Once Law was sitting on the bench,
4269        And Mercy knelt a-weeping.
4270    "Clear out!" he cried, "disordered wench!
4271        Nor come before me creeping.
4272    Upon your knees if you appear,
4273    'Tis plain your have no standing here."
4274
4275    Then Justice came.  His Honor cried:
4276        "_Your_ status? -- devil seize you!"
4277    "_Amica curiae,_" she replied --
4278        "Friend of the court, so please you."
4279    "Begone!" he shouted -- "there's the door --
4280    I never saw your face before!"
4281                                                                  G.J.
4282
4283LAWFUL, adj.  Compatible with the will of a judge having jurisdiction.
4284
4285LAWYER, n.  One skilled in circumvention of the law.
4286
4287LAZINESS, n.  Unwarranted repose of manner in a person of low degree.
4288
4289LEAD, n.  A heavy blue-gray metal much used in giving stability to 
4290light lovers -- particularly to those who love not wisely but other 
4291men's wives.  Lead is also of great service as a counterpoise to an 
4292argument of such weight that it turns the scale of debate the wrong 
4293way.  An interesting fact in the chemistry of international 
4294controversy is that at the point of contact of two patriotisms lead is 
4295precipitated in great quantities.
4296
4297    Hail, holy Lead! -- of human feuds the great
4298        And universal arbiter; endowed
4299        With penetration to pierce any cloud
4300    Fogging the field of controversial hate,
4301    And with a sift, inevitable, straight,
4302        Searching precision find the unavowed
4303        But vital point.  Thy judgment, when allowed
4304    By the chirurgeon, settles the debate.
4305    O useful metal! -- were it not for thee
4306        We'd grapple one another's ears alway:
4307    But when we hear thee buzzing like a bee
4308        We, like old Muhlenberg, "care not to stay."
4309    And when the quick have run away like pellets
4310    Jack Satan smelts the dead to make new bullets.
4311
4312LEARNING, n.  The kind of ignorance distinguishing the studious.
4313
4314LECTURER, n.  One with his hand in your pocket, his tongue in your ear 
4315and his faith in your patience.
4316
4317LEGACY, n.  A gift from one who is legging it out of this vale of 
4318tears.
4319
4320LEONINE, adj.  Unlike a menagerie lion.  Leonine verses are those in 
4321which a word in the middle of a line rhymes with a word at the end, as 
4322in this famous passage from Bella Peeler Silcox:
4323
4324    The electric light invades the dunnest deep of Hades.
4325    Cries Pluto, 'twixt his snores:  "O tempora! O mores!"
4326
4327    It should be explained that Mrs. Silcox does not undertake to 
4328teach pronunciation of the Greek and Latin tongues.  Leonine verses 
4329are so called in honor of a poet named Leo, whom prosodists appear to 
4330find a pleasure in believing to have been the first to discover that a 
4331rhyming couplet could be run into a single line.
4332
4333LETTUCE, n.  An herb of the genus _Lactuca_, "Wherewith," says that 
4334pious gastronome, Hengist Pelly, "God has been pleased to reward the 
4335good and punish the wicked.  For by his inner light the righteous man 
4336has discerned a manner of compounding for it a dressing to the 
4337appetency whereof a multitude of gustible condiments conspire, being 
4338reconciled and ameliorated with profusion of oil, the entire 
4339comestible making glad the heart of the godly and causing his face to 
4340shine.  But the person of spiritual unworth is successfully tempted to 
4341the Adversary to eat of lettuce with destitution of oil, mustard, egg, 
4342salt and garlic, and with a rascal bath of vinegar polluted with 
4343sugar.  Wherefore the person of spiritual unworth suffers an 
4344intestinal pang of strange complexity and raises the song."
4345
4346LEVIATHAN, n.  An enormous aquatic animal mentioned by Job.  Some 
4347suppose it to have been the whale, but that distinguished 
4348ichthyologer, Dr. Jordan, of Stanford University, maintains with 
4349considerable heat that it was a species of gigantic Tadpole (_Thaddeus 
4350Polandensis_) or Polliwig -- _Maria pseudo-hirsuta_.  For an 
4351exhaustive description and history of the Tadpole consult the famous 
4352monograph of Jane Potter, _Thaddeus of Warsaw_.
4353
4354LEXICOGRAPHER, n.  A pestilent fellow who, under the pretense of 
4355recording some particular stage in the development of a language, does 
4356what he can to arrest its growth, stiffen its flexibility and 
4357mechanize its methods.  For your lexicographer, having written his 
4358dictionary, comes to be considered "as one having authority," whereas 
4359his function is only to make a record, not to give a law.  The natural 
4360servility of the human understanding having invested him with judicial 
4361power, surrenders its right of reason and submits itself to a 
4362chronicle as if it were a statue.  Let the dictionary (for example) 
4363mark a good word as "obsolete" or "obsolescent" and few men 
4364thereafter venture to use it, whatever their need of it and however 
4365desirable its restoration to favor -- whereby the process of 
4366improverishment is accelerated and speech decays.  On the contrary, 
4367recognizing the truth that language must grow by innovation if it grow 
4368at all, makes new words and uses the old in an unfamiliar sense, has 
4369no following and is tartly reminded that "it isn't in the dictionary" 
4370-- although down to the time of the first lexicographer (Heaven 
4371forgive him!) no author ever had used a word that _was_ in the 
4372dictionary.  In the golden prime and high noon of English speech; when 
4373from the lips of the great Elizabethans fell words that made their own 
4374meaning and carried it in their very sound; when a Shakespeare and a 
4375Bacon were possible, and the language now rapidly perishing at one end 
4376and slowly renewed at the other was in vigorous growth and hardy 
4377preservation -- sweeter than honey and stronger than a lion -- the 
4378lexicographer was a person unknown, the dictionary a creation which 
4379his Creator had not created him to create.
4380
4381    God said:  "Let Spirit perish into Form,"
4382    And lexicographers arose, a swarm!
4383    Thought fled and left her clothing, which they took,
4384    And catalogued each garment in a book.
4385    Now, from her leafy covert when she cries:
4386    "Give me my clothes and I'll return," they rise
4387    And scan the list, and say without compassion:
4388    "Excuse us -- they are mostly out of fashion."
4389                                                       Sigismund Smith
4390
4391LIAR, n.  A lawyer with a roving commission.
4392
4393LIBERTY, n.  One of Imagination's most precious possessions.
4394
4395    The rising People, hot and out of breath,
4396    Roared around the palace:  "Liberty or death!"
4397    "If death will do," the King said, "let me reign;
4398    You'll have, I'm sure, no reason to complain."
4399                                                      Martha Braymance
4400
4401LICKSPITTLE, n.  A useful functionary, not infrequently found editing 
4402a newspaper.  In his character of editor he is closely allied to the 
4403blackmailer by the tie of occasional identity; for in truth the 
4404lickspittle is only the blackmailer under another aspect, although the 
4405latter is frequently found as an independent species.  Lickspittling 
4406is more detestable than blackmailing, precisely as the business of a 
4407confidence man is more detestable than that of a highway robber; and 
4408the parallel maintains itself throughout, for whereas few robbers will 
4409cheat, every sneak will plunder if he dare.
4410
4411LIFE, n.  A spiritual pickle preserving the body from decay.  We live 
4412in daily apprehension of its loss; yet when lost it is not missed.  
4413The question, "Is life worth living?" has been much discussed; 
4414particularly by those who think it is not, many of whom have written 
4415at great length in support of their view and by careful observance of 
4416the laws of health enjoyed for long terms of years the honors of 
4417successful controversy.
4418
4419    "Life's not worth living, and that's the truth,"
4420    Carelessly caroled the golden youth.
4421    In manhood still he maintained that view
4422    And held it more strongly the older he grew.
4423    When kicked by a jackass at eighty-three,
4424    "Go fetch me a surgeon at once!" cried he.
4425                                                             Han Soper
4426
4427LIGHTHOUSE, n.  A tall building on the seashore in which the 
4428government maintains a lamp and the friend of a politician.
4429
4430LIMB, n.  The branch of a tree or the leg of an American woman.
4431
4432    'Twas a pair of boots that the lady bought,
4433        And the salesman laced them tight
4434        To a very remarkable height --
4435    Higher, indeed, than I think he ought --
4436        Higher than _can_ be right.
4437    For the Bible declares -- but never mind:
4438        It is hardly fit
4439    To censure freely and fault to find
4440    With others for sins that I'm not inclined
4441        Myself to commit.
4442    Each has his weakness, and though my own
4443        Is freedom from every sin,
4444        It still were unfair to pitch in,
4445    Discharging the first censorious stone.
4446    Besides, the truth compels me to say,
4447    The boots in question were _made_ that way.
4448    As he drew the lace she made a grimace,
4449        And blushingly said to him:
4450    "This boot, I'm sure, is too high to endure,
4451    It hurts my -- hurts my -- limb."
4452    The salesman smiled in a manner mild,
4453    Like an artless, undesigning child;
4454    Then, checking himself, to his face he gave
4455    A look as sorrowful as the grave,
4456        Though he didn't care two figs
4457    For her paints and throes,
4458    As he stroked her toes,
4459    Remarking with speech and manner just
4460    Befitting his calling:  "Madam, I trust
4461        That it doesn't hurt your twigs."
4462                                                      B. Percival Dike
4463
4464LINEN, n.  "A kind of cloth the making of which, when made of hemp, 
4465entails a great waste of hemp." -- Calcraft the Hangman.
4466
4467LITIGANT, n.  A person about to give up his skin for the hope of 
4468retaining his bones.
4469
4470LITIGATION, n.  A machine which you go into as a pig and come out of 
4471as a sausage.
4472
4473LIVER, n.  A large red organ thoughtfully provided by nature to be 
4474bilious with.  The sentiments and emotions which every literary 
4475anatomist now knows to haunt the heart were anciently believed to 
4476infest the liver; and even Gascoygne, speaking of the emotional side 
4477of human nature, calls it "our hepaticall parte."  It was at one time 
4478considered the seat of life; hence its name -- liver, the thing we 
4479live with.  The liver is heaven's best gift to the goose; without it 
4480that bird would be unable to supply us with the Strasbourg _pate_.
4481
4482LL.D.  Letters indicating the degree _Legumptionorum Doctor_, one 
4483learned in laws, gifted with legal gumption.  Some suspicion is cast 
4484upon this derivation by the fact that the title was formerly _LL.d._, 
4485and conferred only upon gentlemen distinguished for their wealth.  At 
4486the date of this writing Columbia University is considering the 
4487expediency of making another degree for clergymen, in place of the old 
4488D.D. -- _Damnator Diaboli_.  The new honor will be known as _Sanctorum 
4489Custus_, and written _$$c_.  The name of the Rev. John Satan has been 
4490suggested as a suitable recipient by a lover of consistency, who 
4491points out that Professor Harry Thurston Peck has long enjoyed the 
4492advantage of a degree.
4493
4494LOCK-AND-KEY, n.  The distinguishing device of civilization and 
4495enlightenment.
4496
4497LODGER, n.  A less popular name for the Second Person of that 
4498delectable newspaper Trinity, the Roomer, the Bedder, and the Mealer.
4499
4500LOGIC, n.  The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with 
4501the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding.  The 
4502basic of logic is the syllogism, consisting of a major and a minor 
4503premise and a conclusion -- thus:
4504    _Major Premise_:  Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as 
4505quickly as one man.
4506    _Minor Premise_:  One man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds; 
4507therefore --
4508    _Conclusion_:  Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second.
4509    This may be called the syllogism arithmetical, in which, by 
4510combining logic and mathematics, we obtain a double certainty and are 
4511twice blessed.
4512
4513LOGOMACHY, n.  A war in which the weapons are words and the wounds 
4514punctures in the swim-bladder of self-esteem -- a kind of contest in 
4515which, the vanquished being unconscious of defeat, the victor is 
4516denied the reward of success.
4517
4518    'Tis said by divers of the scholar-men
4519    That poor Salmasius died of Milton's pen.
4520    Alas! we cannot know if this is true,
4521    For reading Milton's wit we perish too.
4522
4523LOGANIMITY, n.  The disposition to endure injury with meek forbearance 
4524while maturing a plan of revenge.
4525
4526LONGEVITY, n.  Uncommon extension of the fear of death.
4527
4528LOOKING-GLASS, n.  A vitreous plane upon which to display a fleeting 
4529show for man's disillusion given.
4530    The King of Manchuria had a magic looking-glass, whereon whoso 
4531looked saw, not his own image, but only that of the king.  A certain 
4532courtier who had long enjoyed the king's favor and was thereby 
4533enriched beyond any other subject of the realm, said to the king:  
4534"Give me, I pray, thy wonderful mirror, so that when absent out of 
4535thine august presence I may yet do homage before thy visible shadow, 
4536prostrating myself night and morning in the glory of thy benign 
4537countenance, as which nothing has so divine splendor, O Noonday Sun of 
4538the Universe!"
4539    Please with the speech, the king commanded that the mirror be 
4540conveyed to the courtier's palace; but after, having gone thither 
4541without apprisal, he found it in an apartment where was naught but 
4542idle lumber.  And the mirror was dimmed with dust and overlaced with 
4543cobwebs.  This so angered him that he fisted it hard, shattering the 
4544glass, and was sorely hurt.  Enraged all the more by this mischance, 
4545he commanded that the ungrateful courtier be thrown into prison, and 
4546that the glass be repaired and taken back to his own palace; and this 
4547was done.  But when the king looked again on the mirror he saw not his 
4548image as before, but only the figure of a crowned ass, having a bloody 
4549bandage on one of its hinder hooves -- as the artificers and all who 
4550had looked upon it had before discerned but feared to report.  Taught 
4551wisdom and charity, the king restored his courtier to liberty, had the 
4552mirror set into the back of the throne and reigned many years with 
4553justice and humility; and one day when he fell asleep in death while 
4554on the throne, the whole court saw in the mirror the luminous figure 
4555of an angel, which remains to this day.
4556
4557LOQUACITY, n.  A disorder which renders the sufferer unable to curb 
4558his tongue when you wish to talk.
4559
4560LORD, n.  In American society, an English tourist above the state of a 
4561costermonger, as, lord 'Aberdasher, Lord Hartisan and so forth.  The 
4562traveling Briton of lesser degree is addressed as "Sir," as, Sir 'Arry 
4563Donkiboi, or 'Amstead 'Eath.  The word "Lord" is sometimes used, also, 
4564as a title of the Supreme Being; but this is thought to be rather 
4565flattery than true reverence.
4566
4567    Miss Sallie Ann Splurge, of her own accord,
4568    Wedded a wandering English lord --
4569    Wedded and took him to dwell with her "paw,"
4570    A parent who throve by the practice of Draw.
4571    Lord Cadde I don't hesitate to declare
4572    Unworthy the father-in-legal care
4573    Of that elderly sport, notwithstanding the truth
4574    That Cadde had renounced all the follies of youth;
4575    For, sad to relate, he'd arrived at the stage
4576    Of existence that's marked by the vices of age.
4577    Among them, cupidity caused him to urge
4578    Repeated demands on the pocket of Splurge,
4579    Till, wrecked in his fortune, that gentleman saw
4580    Inadequate aid in the practice of Draw,
4581    And took, as a means of augmenting his pelf,
4582    To the business of being a lord himself.
4583    His neat-fitting garments he wilfully shed
4584    And sacked himself strangely in checks instead;
4585    Denuded his chin, but retained at each ear
4586    A whisker that looked like a blasted career.
4587    He painted his neck an incarnadine hue
4588    Each morning and varnished it all that he knew.
4589    The moony monocular set in his eye
4590    Appeared to be scanning the Sweet Bye-and-Bye.
4591    His head was enroofed with a billycock hat,
4592    And his low-necked shoes were aduncous and flat.
4593    In speech he eschewed his American ways,
4594    Denying his nose to the use of his A's
4595    And dulling their edge till the delicate sense
4596    Of a babe at their temper could take no offence.
4597    His H's -- 'twas most inexpressibly sweet,
4598    The patter they made as they fell at his feet!
4599    Re-outfitted thus, Mr. Splurge without fear
4600    Began as Lord Splurge his recouping career.
4601    Alas, the Divinity shaping his end
4602    Entertained other views and decided to send
4603    His lordship in horror, despair and dismay
4604    From the land of the nobleman's natural prey.
4605    For, smit with his Old World ways, Lady Cadde
4606    Fell -- suffering Caesar! -- in love with her dad!
4607                                                                  G.J.
4608
4609LORE, n.  Learning -- particularly that sort which is not derived from 
4610a regular course of instruction but comes of the reading of occult 
4611books, or by nature.  This latter is commonly designated as folk-lore 
4612and embraces popularly myths and superstitions.  In Baring-Gould's 
4613_Curious Myths of the Middle Ages_ the reader will find many of these 
4614traced backward, through various people son converging lines, toward a 
4615common origin in remote antiquity.  Among these are the fables of 
4616"Teddy the Giant Killer," "The Sleeping John Sharp Williams," "Little 
4617Red Riding Hood and the Sugar Trust," "Beauty and the Brisbane," "The 
4618Seven Aldermen of Ephesus," "Rip Van Fairbanks," and so forth.  The 
4619fable with Goethe so affectingly relates under the title of "The Erl- 
4620King" was known two thousand years ago in Greece as "The Demos and the 
4621Infant Industry."  One of the most general and ancient of these myths 
4622is that Arabian tale of "Ali Baba and the Forty Rockefellers."
4623
4624LOSS, n.  Privation of that which we had, or had not.  Thus, in the 
4625latter sense, it is said of a defeated candidate that he "lost his 
4626election"; and of that eminent man, the poet Gilder, that he has "lost 
4627his mind."  It is in the former and more legitimate sense, that the 
4628word is used in the famous epitaph:
4629
4630    Here Huntington's ashes long have lain
4631    Whose loss is our eternal gain,
4632    For while he exercised all his powers
4633    Whatever he gained, the loss was ours.
4634
4635LOVE, n.  A temporary insanity curable by marriage or by removal of 
4636the patient from the influences under which he incurred the disorder.  
4637This disease, like _caries_ and many other ailments, is prevalent only 
4638among civilized races living under artificial conditions; barbarous 
4639nations breathing pure air and eating simple food enjoy immunity from 
4640its ravages.  It is sometimes fatal, but more frequently to the 
4641physician than to the patient.
4642
4643LOW-BRED, adj.  "Raised" instead of brought up.
4644
4645LUMINARY, n.  One who throws light upon a subject; as an editor by not 
4646writing about it.
4647
4648LUNARIAN, n.  An inhabitant of the moon, as distinguished from 
4649Lunatic, one whom the moon inhabits.  The Lunarians have been 
4650described by Lucian, Locke and other observers, but without much 
4651agreement.  For example, Bragellos avers their anatomical identity 
4652with Man, but Professor Newcomb says they are more like the hill 
4653tribes of Vermont.
4654
4655LYRE, n.  An ancient instrument of torture.  The word is now used in a 
4656figurative sense to denote the poetic faculty, as in the following 
4657fiery lines of our great poet, Ella Wheeler Wilcox:
4658
4659    I sit astride Parnassus with my lyre,
4660    And pick with care the disobedient wire.
4661    That stupid shepherd lolling on his crook
4662    With deaf attention scarcely deigns to look.
4663    I bide my time, and it shall come at length,
4664    When, with a Titan's energy and strength,
4665    I'll grab a fistful of the strings, and O,
4666    The word shall suffer when I let them go!
4667                                                    Farquharson Harris
4668
4669
4670                                  M
4671
4672
4673MACE, n.  A staff of office signifying authority.  Its form, that of a 
4674heavy club, indicates its original purpose and use in dissuading from 
4675dissent.
4676
4677MACHINATION, n.  The method employed by one's opponents in baffling 
4678one's open and honorable efforts to do the right thing.
4679
4680    So plain the advantages of machination
4681    It constitutes a moral obligation,
4682    And honest wolves who think upon't with loathing
4683    Feel bound to don the sheep's deceptive clothing.
4684    So prospers still the diplomatic art,
4685    And Satan bows, with hand upon his heart.
4686                                                                R.S.K.
4687
4688MACROBIAN, n.  One forgotten of the gods and living to a great age.  
4689History is abundantly supplied with examples, from Methuselah to Old 
4690Parr, but some notable instances of longevity are less well known.  A 
4691Calabrian peasant named Coloni, born in 1753, lived so long that he 
4692had what he considered a glimpse of the dawn of universal peace.  
4693Scanavius relates that he knew an archbishop who was so old that he 
4694could remember a time when he did not deserve hanging.  In 1566 a 
4695linen draper of Bristol, England, declared that he had lived five 
4696hundred years, and that in all that time he had never told a lie.  
4697There are instances of longevity (_macrobiosis_) in our own country.  
4698Senator Chauncey Depew is old enough to know better.  The editor of 
4699_The American_, a newspaper in New York City, has a memory that goes 
4700back to the time when he was a rascal, but not to the fact.  The 
4701President of the United States was born so long ago that many of the 
4702friends of his youth have risen to high political and military 
4703preferment without the assistance of personal merit.  The verses 
4704following were written by a macrobian:
4705
4706    When I was young the world was fair
4707        And amiable and sunny.
4708    A brightness was in all the air,
4709        In all the waters, honey.
4710        The jokes were fine and funny,
4711    The statesmen honest in their views,
4712        And in their lives, as well,
4713    And when you heard a bit of news
4714        'Twas true enough to tell.
4715    Men were not ranting, shouting, reeking,
4716    Nor women "generally speaking."
4717
4718    The Summer then was long indeed:
4719        It lasted one whole season!
4720    The sparkling Winter gave no heed
4721        When ordered by Unreason
4722        To bring the early peas on.
4723    Now, where the dickens is the sense
4724        In calling that a year
4725    Which does no more than just commence
4726        Before the end is near?
4727    When I was young the year extended
4728    From month to month until it ended.
4729
4730    I know not why the world has changed
4731        To something dark and dreary,
4732    And everything is now arranged
4733        To make a fellow weary.
4734        The Weather Man -- I fear he
4735    Has much to do with it, for, sure,
4736        The air is not the same:
4737    It chokes you when it is impure,
4738        When pure it makes you lame.
4739    With windows closed you are asthmatic;
4740    Open, neuralgic or sciatic.
4741
4742    Well, I suppose this new regime
4743        Of dun degeneration
4744    Seems eviler than it would seem
4745        To a better observation,
4746        And has for compensation
4747    Some blessings in a deep disguise
4748        Which mortal sight has failed
4749    To pierce, although to angels' eyes
4750        They're visible unveiled.
4751    If Age is such a boon, good land!
4752    He's costumed by a master hand!
4753                                                        Venable Strigg
4754
4755MAD, adj.  Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence; 
4756not conforming to standards of thought, speech and action derived by 
4757the conformants from study of themselves; at odds with the majority; 
4758in short, unusual.  It is noteworthy that persons are pronounced mad 
4759by officials destitute of evidence that themselves are sane.  For 
4760illustration, this present (and illustrious) lexicographer is no 
4761firmer in the faith of his own sanity than is any inmate of any 
4762madhouse in the land; yet for aught he knows to the contrary, instead 
4763of the lofty occupation that seems to him to be engaging his powers he 
4764may really be beating his hands against the window bars of an asylum 
4765and declaring himself Noah Webster, to the innocent delight of many 
4766thoughtless spectators.
4767
4768MAGDALENE, n.  An inhabitant of Magdala.  Popularly, a woman found 
4769out.  This definition of the word has the authority of ignorance, Mary 
4770of Magdala being another person than the penitent woman mentioned by 
4771St. Luke.  It has also the official sanction of the governments of 
4772Great Britain and the United States.  In England the word is 
4773pronounced Maudlin, whence maudlin, adjective, unpleasantly 
4774sentimental.  With their Maudlin for Magdalene, and their Bedlam for 
4775Bethlehem, the English may justly boast themselves the greatest of 
4776revisers.
4777
4778MAGIC, n.  An art of converting superstition into coin.  There are 
4779other arts serving the same high purpose, but the discreet 
4780lexicographer does not name them.
4781
4782MAGNET, n.  Something acted upon by magnetism.
4783
4784MAGNETISM, n.  Something acting upon a magnet.
4785    The two definitions immediately foregoing are condensed from the 
4786works of one thousand eminent scientists, who have illuminated the 
4787subject with a great white light, to the inexpressible advancement of 
4788human knowledge.
4789
4790MAGNIFICENT, adj.  Having a grandeur or splendor superior to that to 
4791which the spectator is accustomed, as the ears of an ass, to a rabbit, 
4792or the glory of a glowworm, to a maggot.
4793
4794MAGNITUDE, n.  Size.  Magnitude being purely relative, nothing is 
4795large and nothing small.  If everything in the universe were increased 
4796in bulk one thousand diameters nothing would be any larger than it was 
4797before, but if one thing remain unchanged all the others would be 
4798larger than they had been.  To an understanding familiar with the 
4799relativity of magnitude and distance the spaces and masses of the 
4800astronomer would be no more impressive than those of the microscopist.  
4801For anything we know to the contrary, the visible universe may be a 
4802small part of an atom, with its component ions, floating in the life- 
4803fluid (luminiferous ether) of some animal.  Possibly the wee creatures 
4804peopling the corpuscles of our own blood are overcome with the proper 
4805emotion when contemplating the unthinkable distance from one of these 
4806to another.
4807
4808MAGPIE, n.  A bird whose thievish disposition suggested to someone 
4809that it might be taught to talk.
4810
4811MAIDEN, n.  A young person of the unfair sex addicted to clewless 
4812conduct and views that madden to crime.  The genus has a wide 
4813geographical distribution, being found wherever sought and deplored 
4814wherever found.  The maiden is not altogether unpleasing to the eye, 
4815nor (without her piano and her views) insupportable to the ear, though 
4816in respect to comeliness distinctly inferior to the rainbow, and, with 
4817regard to the part of her that is audible, bleating out of the field 
4818by the canary -- which, also, is more portable.
4819
4820    A lovelorn maiden she sat and sang --
4821        This quaint, sweet song sang she;
4822    "It's O for a youth with a football bang
4823        And a muscle fair to see!
4824                The Captain he
4825                Of a team to be!
4826    On the gridiron he shall shine,
4827    A monarch by right divine,
4828        And never to roast on it -- me!"
4829                                                         Opoline Jones
4830
4831MAJESTY, n.  The state and title of a king.  Regarded with a just 
4832contempt by the Most Eminent Grand Masters, Grand Chancellors, Great 
4833Incohonees and Imperial Potentates of the ancient and honorable orders 
4834of republican America.
4835
4836MALE, n.  A member of the unconsidered, or negligible sex.  The male 
4837of the human race is commonly known (to the female) as Mere Man.  The 
4838genus has two varieties:  good providers and bad providers.
4839
4840MALEFACTOR, n.  The chief factor in the progress of the human race.
4841
4842MALTHUSIAN, adj.  Pertaining to Malthus and his doctrines.  Malthus 
4843believed in artificially limiting population, but found that it could 
4844not be done by talking.  One of the most practical exponents of the 
4845Malthusian idea was Herod of Judea, though all the famous soldiers 
4846have been of the same way of thinking.
4847
4848MAMMALIA, n.pl.  A family of vertebrate animals whose females in a 
4849state of nature suckle their young, but when civilized and enlightened 
4850put them out to nurse, or use the bottle.
4851
4852MAMMON, n.  The god of the world's leading religion.  The chief temple 
4853is in the holy city of New York.
4854
4855    He swore that all other religions were gammon,
4856    And wore out his knees in the worship of Mammon.
4857                                                            Jared Oopf
4858
4859MAN, n.  An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he 
4860thinks he is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be.  His 
4861chief occupation is extermination of other animals and his own 
4862species, which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to 
4863infest the whole habitable earh and Canada.
4864
4865    When the world was young and Man was new,
4866        And everything was pleasant,
4867    Distinctions Nature never drew
4868        'Mongst kings and priest and peasant.
4869        We're not that way at present,
4870    Save here in this Republic, where
4871        We have that old regime,
4872    For all are kings, however bare
4873        Their backs, howe'er extreme
4874    Their hunger.  And, indeed, each has a voice
4875    To accept the tyrant of his party's choice.
4876
4877    A citizen who would not vote,
4878        And, therefore, was detested,
4879    Was one day with a tarry coat
4880        (With feathers backed and breasted)
4881        By patriots invested.
4882    "It is your duty," cried the crowd,
4883        "Your ballot true to cast
4884    For the man o' your choice."  He humbly bowed,
4885        And explained his wicked past:
4886    "That's what I very gladly would have done,
4887    Dear patriots, but he has never run."
4888                                                         Apperton Duke
4889
4890MANES, n.  The immortal parts of dead Greeks and Romans.  They were in 
4891a state of dull discomfort until the bodies from which they had 
4892exhaled were buried and burned; and they seem not to have been 
4893particularly happy afterward.
4894
4895MANICHEISM, n.  The ancient Persian doctrine of an incessant warfare 
4896between Good and Evil.  When Good gave up the fight the Persians 
4897joined the victorious Opposition.
4898
4899MANNA, n.  A food miraculously given to the Israelites in the 
4900wilderness.  When it was no longer supplied to them they settled 
4901down and tilled the soil, fertilizing it, as a rule, with the bodies 
4902of the original occupants.
4903
4904MARRIAGE, n.  The state or condition of a community consisting of a 
4905master, a mistress and two slaves, making in all, two.
4906
4907MARTYR, n.  One who moves along the line of least reluctance to a 
4908desired death.
4909
4910MATERIAL, adj.  Having an actual existence, as distinguished from an 
4911imaginary one.  Important.
4912
4913    Material things I know, or fell, or see;
4914    All else is immaterial to me.
4915                                                      Jamrach Holobom
4916
4917MAUSOLEUM, n.  The final and funniest folly of the rich.
4918
4919MAYONNAISE, n.  One of the sauces which serve the French in place of a 
4920state religion.
4921
4922ME, pro.  The objectionable case of I.  The personal pronoun in 
4923English has three cases, the dominative, the objectionable and the 
4924oppressive.  Each is all three.
4925
4926MEANDER, n.  To proceed sinuously and aimlessly.  The word is the 
4927ancient name of a river about one hundred and fifty miles south of 
4928Troy, which turned and twisted in the effort to get out of hearing 
4929when the Greeks and Trojans boasted of their prowess.
4930
4931MEDAL, n.  A small metal disk given as a reward for virtues, 
4932attainments or services more or less authentic.
4933    It is related of Bismark, who had been awarded a medal for 
4934gallantly rescuing a drowning person, that, being asked the meaning of 
4935the medal, he replied:  "I save lives sometimes."  And sometimes he 
4936didn't.
4937
4938MEDICINE, n.  A stone flung down the Bowery to kill a dog in Broadway.
4939
4940MEEKNESS, n.  Uncommon patience in planning a revenge that is worth 
4941while.
4942
4943    M is for Moses,
4944        Who slew the Egyptian.
4945    As sweet as a rose is
4946    The meekness of Moses.
4947    No monument shows his
4948        Post-mortem inscription,
4949    But M is for Moses
4950        Who slew the Egyptian.
4951                                           _The Biographical Alphabet_
4952MEERSCHAUM, n.  (Literally, seafoam, and by many erroneously supposed 
4953to be made of it.)  A fine white clay, which for convenience in 
4954coloring it brown is made into tobacco pipes and smoked by the workmen 
4955engaged in that industry.  The purpose of coloring it has not been 
4956disclosed by the manufacturers.
4957
4958    There was a youth (you've heard before,
4959        This woeful tale, may be),
4960    Who bought a meerschaum pipe and swore
4961        That color it would he!
4962
4963    He shut himself from the world away,
4964        Nor any soul he saw.
4965    He smoke by night, he smoked by day,
4966        As hard as he could draw.
4967
4968    His dog died moaning in the wrath
4969        Of winds that blew aloof;
4970    The weeds were in the gravel path,
4971        The owl was on the roof.
4972
4973    "He's gone afar, he'll come no more,"
4974        The neighbors sadly say.
4975    And so they batter in the door
4976        To take his goods away.
4977
4978    Dead, pipe in mouth, the youngster lay,
4979        Nut-brown in face and limb.
4980    "That pipe's a lovely white," they say,
4981        "But it has colored him!"
4982
4983    The moral there's small need to sing --
4984        'Tis plain as day to you:
4985    Don't play your game on any thing
4986        That is a gamester too.
4987                                                      Martin Bulstrode
4988
4989MENDACIOUS, adj.  Addicted to rhetoric.
4990
4991MERCHANT, n.  One engaged in a commercial pursuit.  A commercial 
4992pursuit is one in which the thing pursued is a dollar.
4993
4994MERCY, n.  An attribute beloved of detected offenders.
4995
4996MESMERISM, n.  Hypnotism before it wore good clothes, kept a carriage 
4997and asked Incredulity to dinner.
4998
4999METROPOLIS, n.  A stronghold of provincialism.
5000
5001MILLENNIUM, n.  The period of a thousand years when the lid is to be 
5002screwed down, with all reformers on the under side.
5003
5004MIND, n.  A mysterious form of matter secreted by the brain.  Its 
5005chief activity consists in the endeavor to ascertain its own nature, 
5006the futility of the attempt being due to the fact that it has nothing 
5007but itself to know itself with.  From the Latin _mens_, a fact unknown 
5008to that honest shoe-seller, who, observing that his learned competitor 
5009over the way had displayed the motto "_Mens conscia recti_," 
5010emblazoned his own front with the words "Men's, women's and children's 
5011conscia recti."
5012
5013MINE, adj.  Belonging to me if I can hold or seize it.
5014
5015MINISTER, n.  An agent of a higher power with a lower responsibility.  
5016In diplomacy and officer sent into a foreign country as the visible 
5017embodiment of his sovereign's hostility.  His principal qualification 
5018is a degree of plausible inveracity next below that of an ambassador.
5019
5020MINOR, adj.  Less objectionable.
5021
5022MINSTREL, adj.  Formerly a poet, singer or musician; now a nigger with 
5023a color less than skin deep and a humor more than flesh and blood can 
5024bear.
5025
5026MIRACLE, n.  An act or event out of the order of nature and 
5027unaccountable, as beating a normal hand of four kings and an ace with 
5028four aces and a king.
5029
5030MISCREANT, n.  A person of the highest degree of unworth.  
5031Etymologically, the word means unbeliever, and its present 
5032signification may be regarded as theology's noblest contribution to 
5033the development of our language.
5034
5035MISDEMEANOR, n.  An infraction of the law having less dignity than a 
5036felony and constituting no claim to admittance into the best criminal 
5037society.
5038
5039    By misdemeanors he essays to climb
5040    Into the aristocracy of crime.
5041    O, woe was him! -- with manner chill and grand
5042    "Captains of industry" refused his hand,
5043    "Kings of finance" denied him recognition
5044    And "railway magnates" jeered his low condition.
5045    He robbed a bank to make himself respected.
5046    They still rebuffed him, for he was detected.
5047                                                          S.V. Hanipur
5048
5049MISERICORDE, n.  A dagger which in mediaeval warfare was used by the 
5050foot soldier to remind an unhorsed knight that he was mortal.
5051
5052MISFORTUNE, n.  The kind of fortune that never misses.
5053
5054MISS, n.  The title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate 
5055that they are in the market.  Miss, Missis (Mrs.) and Mister (Mr.) are 
5056the three most distinctly disagreeable words in the language, in sound 
5057and sense.  Two are corruptions of Mistress, the other of Master.  In 
5058the general abolition of social titles in this our country they 
5059miraculously escaped to plague us.  If we must have them let us be 
5060consistent and give one to the unmarried man.  I venture to suggest 
5061Mush, abbreviated to Mh.
5062
5063MOLECULE, n.  The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter.  It is 
5064distinguished from the corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit 
5065of matter, by a closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate, 
5066indivisible unit of matter.  Three great scientific theories of the 
5067structure of the universe are the molecular, the corpuscular and the 
5068atomic.  A fourth affirms, with Haeckel, the condensation of 
5069precipitation of matter from ether -- whose existence is proved by the 
5070condensation of precipitation.  The present trend of scientific 
5071thought is toward the theory of ions.  The ion differs from the 
5072molecule, the corpuscle and the atom in that it is an ion.  A fifth 
5073theory is held by idiots, but it is doubtful if they know any more 
5074about the matter than the others.
5075
5076MONAD, n.  The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter.  (See 
5077_Molecule_.)  According to Leibnitz, as nearly as he seems willing to 
5078be understood, the monad has body without bulk, and mind without 
5079manifestation -- Leibnitz knows him by the innate power of 
5080considering.  He has founded upon him a theory of the universe, which 
5081the creature bears without resentment, for the monad is a gentlmean.  
5082Small as he is, the monad contains all the powers and possibilities 
5083needful to his evolution into a German philosopher of the first class 
5084-- altogether a very capable little fellow.  He is not to be 
5085confounded with the microbe, or bacillus; by its inability to discern 
5086him, a good microscope shows him to be of an entirely distinct 
5087species.
5088
5089MONARCH, n.  A person engaged in reigning.  Formerly the monarch 
5090ruled, as the derivation of the word attests, and as many subjects 
5091have had occasion to learn.  In Russia and the Orient the monarch has 
5092still a considerable influence in public affairs and in the 
5093disposition of the human head, but in western Europe political 
5094administration is mostly entrusted to his ministers, he being 
5095somewhat preoccupied with reflections relating to the status of his 
5096own head.
5097
5098MONARCHICAL GOVERNMENT, n.  Government.
5099
5100MONDAY, n.  In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game.
5101
5102MONEY, n.  A blessing that is of no advantage to us excepting when we 
5103part with it.  An evidence of culture and a passport to polite 
5104society.  Supportable property.
5105
5106MONKEY, n.  An arboreal animal which makes itself at home in 
5107genealogical trees.
5108
5109MONOSYLLABIC, adj.  Composed of words of one syllable, for literary 
5110babes who never tire of testifying their delight in the vapid compound 
5111by appropriate googoogling.  The words are commonly Saxon -- that is 
5112to say, words of a barbarous people destitute of ideas and incapable 
5113of any but the most elementary sentiments and emotions.
5114
5115    The man who writes in Saxon
5116    Is the man to use an ax on
5117                                                              Judibras
5118
5119MONSIGNOR, n.  A high ecclesiastical title, of which the Founder of 
5120our religion overlooked the advantages.
5121
5122MONUMENT, n.  A structure intended to commemorate something which 
5123either needs no commemoration or cannot be commemorated.
5124
5125    The bones of Agammemnon are a show,
5126    And ruined is his royal monument,
5127
5128but Agammemnon's fame suffers no diminution in consequence.  The 
5129monument custom has its _reductiones ad absurdum_ in monuments "to the 
5130unknown dead" -- that is to say, monuments to perpetuate the memory of 
5131those who have left no memory.
5132
5133MORAL, adj.  Conforming to a local and mutable standard of right.  
5134Having the quality of general expediency.
5135
5136        It is sayd there be a raunge of mountaynes in the Easte, on 
5137one syde of the which certayn conducts are immorall, yet on the other 
5138syde they are holden in good esteeme; wherebye the mountayneer is much 
5139conveenyenced, for it is given to him to goe downe eyther way and act 
5140as it shall suite his moode, withouten offence.
5141                                                 _Gooke's Meditations_
5142
5143MORE, adj.  The comparative degree of too much.
5144
5145MOUSE, n.  An animal which strews its path with fainting women.  As in 
5146Rome Christians were thrown to the lions, so centuries earlier in 
5147Otumwee, the most ancient and famous city of the world, female 
5148heretics were thrown to the mice.  Jakak-Zotp, the historian, the only 
5149Otumwump whose writings have descended to us, says that these martyrs 
5150met their death with little dignity and much exertion.  He even 
5151attempts to exculpate the mice (such is the malice of bigotry) by 
5152declaring that the unfortunate women perished, some from exhaustion, 
5153some of broken necks from falling over their own feet, and some from 
5154lack of restoratives.  The mice, he avers, enjoyed the pleasures of 
5155the chase with composure.  But if "Roman history is nine-tenths 
5156lying," we can hardly expect a smaller proportion of that rhetorical 
5157figure in the annals of a people capable of so incredible cruelty to a 
5158lovely women; for a hard heart has a false tongue.
5159
5160MOUSQUETAIRE, n.  A long glove covering a part of the arm.  Worn in 
5161New Jersey.  But "mousquetaire" is a might poor way to spell 
5162muskeeter.
5163
5164MOUTH, n.  In man, the gateway to the soul; in woman, the outlet of 
5165the heart.
5166
5167MUGWUMP, n.  In politics one afflicted with self-respect and addicted 
5168to the vice of independence.  A term of contempt.
5169
5170MULATTO, n.  A child of two races, ashamed of both.
5171
5172MULTITUDE, n.  A crowd; the source of political wisdom and virtue.  In 
5173a republic, the object of the statesman's adoration.  "In a multitude 
5174of consellors there is wisdom," saith the proverb.  If many men of 
5175equal individual wisdom are wiser than any one of them, it must be 
5176that they acquire the excess of wisdom by the mere act of getting 
5177together.  Whence comes it?  Obviously from nowhere -- as well say 
5178that a range of mountains is higher than the single mountains 
5179composing it.  A multitude is as wise as its wisest member if it obey 
5180him; if not, it is no wiser than its most foolish.
5181
5182MUMMY, n.  An ancient Egyptian, formerly in universal use among modern 
5183civilized nations as medicine, and now engaged in supplying art with 
5184an excellent pigment.  He is handy, too, in museums in gratifying the 
5185vulgar curiosity that serves to distinguish man from the lower 
5186animals.
5187
5188    By means of the Mummy, mankind, it is said,
5189    Attests to the gods its respect for the dead.
5190    We plunder his tomb, be he sinner or saint,
5191    Distil him for physic and grind him for paint,
5192    Exhibit for money his poor, shrunken frame,
5193    And with levity flock to the scene of the shame.
5194    O, tell me, ye gods, for the use of my rhyme:
5195    For respecting the dead what's the limit of time?
5196                                                          Scopas Brune
5197
5198MUSTANG, n.  An indocile horse of the western plains.  In English 
5199society, the American wife of an English nobleman.
5200
5201MYRMIDON, n.  A follower of Achilles -- particularly when he didn't 
5202lead.
5203
5204MYTHOLOGY, n.  The body of a primitive people's beliefs concerning its 
5205origin, early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished 
5206from the true accounts which it invents later.
5207
5208
5209                                  N
5210
5211
5212NECTAR, n.  A drink served at banquets of the Olympian deities.  The 
5213secret of its preparation is lost, but the modern Kentuckians believe 
5214that they come pretty near to a knowledge of its chief ingredient.
5215
5216    Juno drank a cup of nectar,
5217    But the draught did not affect her.
5218    Juno drank a cup of rye --
5219    Then she bad herself good-bye.
5220                                                                  J.G.
5221
5222NEGRO, n.  The _piece de resistance_ in the American political 
5223problem.  Representing him by the letter n, the Republicans begin to 
5224build their equation thus:  "Let n = the white man."  This, however, 
5225appears to give an unsatisfactory solution.
5226
5227NEIGHBOR, n.  One whom we are commanded to love as ourselves, and who 
5228does all he knows how to make us disobedient.
5229
5230NEPOTISM, n.  Appointing your grandmother to office for the good of 
5231the party.
5232
5233NEWTONIAN, adj.  Pertaining to a philosophy of the universe invented 
5234by Newton, who discovered that an apple will fall to the ground, but 
5235was unable to say why.  His successors and disciples have advanced so 
5236far as to be able to say when.
5237
5238NIHILIST, n.  A Russian who denies the existence of anything but 
5239Tolstoi.  The leader of the school is Tolstoi.
5240
5241NIRVANA, n.  In the Buddhist religion, a state of pleasurable 
5242annihilation awarded to the wise, particularly to those wise enough to 
5243understand it.
5244
5245NOBLEMAN, n.  Nature's provision for wealthy American minds ambitious 
5246to incur social distinction and suffer high life.
5247
5248NOISE, n.  A stench in the ear.  Undomesticated music.  The chief 
5249product and authenticating sign of civilization.
5250
5251NOMINATE, v.  To designate for the heaviest political assessment.  To 
5252put forward a suitable person to incur the mudgobbling and deadcatting 
5253of the opposition.
5254
5255NOMINEE, n.  A modest gentleman shrinking from the distinction of 
5256private life and diligently seeking the honorable obscurity of public 
5257office.
5258
5259NON-COMBATANT, n.  A dead Quaker.
5260
5261NONSENSE, n.  The objections that are urged against this excellent 
5262dictionary.
5263
5264NOSE, n.  The extreme outpost of the face.  From the circumstance that 
5265great conquerors have great noses, Getius, whose writings antedate the 
5266age of humor, calls the nose the organ of quell.  It has been observed 
5267that one's nose is never so happy as when thrust into the affairs of 
5268others, from which some physiologists have drawn the inference that 
5269the nose is devoid of the sense of smell.
5270
5271        There's a man with a Nose,
5272        And wherever he goes
5273    The people run from him and shout:
5274        "No cotton have we
5275        For our ears if so be
5276    He blow that interminous snout!"
5277
5278        So the lawyers applied
5279        For injunction.  "Denied,"
5280    Said the Judge:  "the defendant prefixion,
5281        Whate'er it portend,
5282        Appears to transcend
5283    The bounds of this court's jurisdiction."
5284                                                         Arpad Singiny
5285
5286NOTORIETY, n.  The fame of one's competitor for public honors.  The 
5287kind of renown most accessible and acceptable to mediocrity.  A 
5288Jacob's-ladder leading to the vaudeville stage, with angels ascending 
5289and descending.
5290
5291NOUMENON, n.  That which exists, as distinguished from that which 
5292merely seems to exist, the latter being a phenomenon.  The noumenon is 
5293a bit difficult to locate; it can be apprehended only be a process of 
5294reasoning -- which is a phenomenon.  Nevertheless, the discovery and 
5295exposition of noumena offer a rich field for what Lewes calls "the 
5296endless variety and excitement of philosophic thought."  Hurrah 
5297(therefore) for the noumenon!
5298
5299NOVEL, n.  A short story padded.  A species of composition bearing the 
5300same relation to literature that the panorama bears to art.  As it is 
5301too long to be read at a sitting the impressions made by its 
5302successive parts are successively effaced, as in the panorama.  Unity, 
5303totality of effect, is impossible; for besides the few pages last read 
5304all that is carried in mind is the mere plot of what has gone before.  
5305To the romance the novel is what photography is to painting.  Its 
5306distinguishing principle, probability, corresponds to the literal 
5307actuality of the photograph and puts it distinctly into the category 
5308of reporting; whereas the free wing of the romancer enables him to 
5309mount to such altitudes of imagination as he may be fitted to attain; 
5310and the first three essentials of the literary art are imagination, 
5311imagination and imagination.  The art of writing novels, such as it 
5312was, is long dead everywhere except in Russia, where it is new.  Peace 
5313to its ashes -- some of which have a large sale.
5314
5315NOVEMBER, n.  The eleventh twelfth of a weariness.
5316
5317
5318                                  O
5319
5320
5321OATH, n.  In law, a solemn appeal to the Deity, made binding upon the 
5322conscience by a penalty for perjury.
5323
5324OBLIVION, n.  The state or condition in which the wicked cease from 
5325struggling and the dreary are at rest.  Fame's eternal dumping ground.  
5326Cold storage for high hopes.  A place where ambitious authors meet 
5327their works without pride and their betters without envy.  A dormitory 
5328without an alarm clock.
5329
5330OBSERVATORY, n.  A place where astronomers conjecture away the guesses 
5331of their predecessors.
5332
5333OBSESSED, p.p.  Vexed by an evil spirit, like the Gadarene swine and 
5334other critics.  Obsession was once more common than it is now.  
5335Arasthus tells of a peasant who was occupied by a different devil for 
5336every day in the week, and on Sundays by two.  They were frequently 
5337seen, always walking in his shadow, when he had one, but were finally 
5338driven away by the village notary, a holy man; but they took the 
5339peasant with them, for he vanished utterly.  A devil thrown out of a 
5340woman by the Archbishop of Rheims ran through the trees, pursued by a 
5341hundred persons, until the open country was reached, where by a leap 
5342higher than a church spire he escaped into a bird.  A chaplain in 
5343Cromwell's army exorcised a soldier's obsessing devil by throwing the 
5344soldier into the water, when the devil came to the surface.  The 
5345soldier, unfortunately, did not.
5346
5347OBSOLETE, adj.  No longer used by the timid.  Said chiefly of words.  
5348A word which some lexicographer has marked obsolete is ever thereafter 
5349an object of dread and loathing to the fool writer, but if it is a 
5350good word and has no exact modern equivalent equally good, it is good 
5351enough for the good writer.  Indeed, a writer's attitude toward 
5352"obsolete" words is as true a measure of his literary ability as 
5353anything except the character of his work.  A dictionary of obsolete 
5354and obsolescent words would not only be singularly rich in strong and 
5355sweet parts of speech; it would add large possessions to the 
5356vocabulary of every competent writer who might not happen to be a 
5357competent reader.
5358
5359OBSTINATE, adj.  Inaccessible to the truth as it is manifest in the 
5360splendor and stress of our advocacy.
5361    The popular type and exponent of obstinacy is the mule, a most 
5362intelligent animal.
5363
5364OCCASIONAL, adj.  Afflicting us with greater or less frequency.  That, 
5365however, is not the sense in which the word is used in the phrase 
5366"occasional verses," which are verses written for an "occasion," such 
5367as an anniversary, a celebration or other event.  True, they afflict 
5368us a little worse than other sorts of verse, but their name has no 
5369reference to irregular recurrence.
5370
5371OCCIDENT, n.  The part of the world lying west (or east) of the 
5372Orient.  It is largely inhabited by Christians, a powerful subtribe of 
5373the Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating, 
5374which they are pleased to call "war" and "commerce."  These, also, are 
5375the principal industries of the Orient.
5376
5377OCEAN, n.  A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made 
5378for man -- who has no gills.
5379
5380OFFENSIVE, adj.  Generating disagreeable emotions or sensations, as 
5381the advance of an army against its enemy.
5382    "Were the enemy's tactics offensive?" the king asked.  "I should 
5383say so!" replied the unsuccessful general.  "The blackguard wouldn't 
5384come out of his works!"
5385
5386OLD, adj.  In that stage of usefulness which is not inconsistent with 
5387general inefficiency, as an _old man_.  Discredited by lapse of time 
5388and offensive to the popular taste, as an _old_ book.
5389
5390    "Old books?  The devil take them!" Goby said.
5391    "Fresh every day must be my books and bread."
5392    Nature herself approves the Goby rule
5393    And gives us every moment a fresh fool.
5394                                                           Harley Shum
5395
5396OLEAGINOUS, adj.  Oily, smooth, sleek.
5397    Disraeli once described the manner of Bishop Wilberforce as 
5398"unctuous, oleaginous, saponaceous."  And the good prelate was ever 
5399afterward known as Soapy Sam.  For every man there is something in the 
5400vocabulary that would stick to him like a second skin.  His enemies 
5401have only to find it.
5402
5403OLYMPIAN, adj.  Relating to a mountain in Thessaly, once inhabited by 
5404gods, now a repository of yellowing newspapers, beer bottles and 
5405mutilated sardine cans, attesting the presence of the tourist and his 
5406appetite.
5407
5408    His name the smirking tourist scrawls
5409    Upon Minerva's temple walls,
5410    Where thundered once Olympian Zeus,
5411    And marks his appetite's abuse.
5412                                                           Averil Joop
5413
5414OMEN, n.  A sign that something will happen if nothing happens.
5415
5416ONCE, adv.  Enough.
5417
5418OPERA, n.  A play representing life in another world, whose 
5419inhabitants have no speech but song, no motions but gestures and no 
5420postures but attitudes.  All acting is simulation, and the word 
5421_simulation_ is from _simia_, an ape; but in opera the actor takes for 
5422his model _Simia audibilis_ (or _Pithecanthropos stentor_) -- the ape 
5423that howls.
5424
5425    The actor apes a man -- at least in shape;
5426    The opera performer apes and ape.
5427
5428OPIATE, n.  An unlocked door in the prison of Identity.  It leads into 
5429the jail yard.
5430
5431OPPORTUNITY, n.  A favorable occasion for grasping a disappointment.
5432
5433OPPOSE, v.  To assist with obstructions and objections.
5434
5435    How lonely he who thinks to vex
5436    With bandinage the Solemn Sex!
5437    Of levity, Mere Man, beware;
5438    None but the Grave deserve the Unfair.
5439                                                     Percy P. Orminder
5440
5441OPPOSITION, n.  In politics the party that prevents the Government from 
5442running amuck by hamstringing it.
5443    The King of Ghargaroo, who had been abroad to study the science of 
5444government, appointed one hundred of his fattest subjects as members 
5445of a parliament to make laws for the collection of revenue.  Forty of 
5446these he named the Party of Opposition and had his Prime Minister 
5447carefully instruct them in their duty of opposing every royal measure.  
5448Nevertheless, the first one that was submitted passed unanimously.  
5449Greatly displeased, the King vetoed it, informing the Opposition that 
5450if they did that again they would pay for their obstinacy with their 
5451heads.  The entire forty promptly disemboweled themselves.
5452    "What shall we do now?" the King asked.  "Liberal institutions 
5453cannot be maintained without a party of Opposition."
5454    "Splendor of the universe," replied the Prime Minister, "it is 
5455true these dogs of darkness have no longer their credentials, but all 
5456is not lost.  Leave the matter to this worm of the dust."
5457    So the Minister had the bodies of his Majesty's Opposition 
5458embalmed and stuffed with straw, put back into the seats of power and 
5459nailed there.  Forty votes were recorded against every bill and the 
5460nation prospered.  But one day a bill imposing a tax on warts was 
5461defeated -- the members of the Government party had not been nailed to 
5462their seats!  This so enraged the King that the Prime Minister was put 
5463to death, the parliament was dissolved with a battery of artillery, 
5464and government of the people, by the people, for the people perished 
5465from Ghargaroo.
5466
5467OPTIMISM, n.  The doctrine, or belief, that everything is beautiful, 
5468including what is ugly, everything good, especially the bad, and 
5469everything right that is wrong.  It is held with greatest tenacity by 
5470those most accustomed to the mischance of falling into adversity, and 
5471is most acceptably expounded with the grin that apes a smile.  Being a 
5472blind faith, it is inaccessible to the light of disproof -- an 
5473intellectual disorder, yielding to no treatment but death.  It is 
5474hereditary, but fortunately not contagious.
5475
5476OPTIMIST, n.  A proponent of the doctrine that black is white.
5477    A pessimist applied to God for relief.
5478    "Ah, you wish me to restore your hope and cheerfulness," said God.
5479    "No," replied the petitioner, "I wish you to create something that 
5480would justify them."
5481    "The world is all created," said God, "but you have overlooked 
5482something -- the mortality of the optimist."
5483
5484ORATORY, n.  A conspiracy between speech and action to cheat the 
5485understanding.  A tyranny tempered by stenography.
5486
5487ORPHAN, n.  A living person whom death has deprived of the power of 
5488filial ingratitude -- a privation appealing with a particular 
5489eloquence to all that is sympathetic in human nature.  When young the 
5490orphan is commonly sent to an asylum, where by careful cultivation of 
5491its rudimentary sense of locality it is taught to know its place.  It 
5492is then instructed in the arts of dependence and servitude and 
5493eventually turned loose to prey upon the world as a bootblack or 
5494scullery maid.
5495
5496ORTHODOX, n.  An ox wearing the popular religious joke.
5497
5498ORTHOGRAPHY, n.  The science of spelling by the eye instead of the 
5499ear.  Advocated with more heat than light by the outmates of every 
5500asylum for the insane.  They have had to concede a few things since 
5501the time of Chaucer, but are none the less hot in defence of those to 
5502be conceded hereafter.
5503
5504    A spelling reformer indicted
5505    For fudge was before the court cicted.
5506        The judge said:  "Enough --
5507        His candle we'll snough,
5508    And his sepulchre shall not be whicted."
5509
5510OSTRICH, n.  A large bird to which (for its sins, doubtless) nature 
5511has denied that hinder toe in which so many pious naturalists have 
5512seen a conspicuous evidence of design.  The absence of a good working 
5513pair of wings is no defect, for, as has been ingeniously pointed out, 
5514the ostrich does not fly.
5515
5516OTHERWISE, adv.  No better.
5517
5518OUTCOME, n.  A particular type of disappointment.  By the kind of 
5519intelligence that sees in an exception a proof of the rule the wisdom 
5520of an act is judged by the outcome, the result.  This is immortal 
5521nonsense; the wisdom of an act is to be juded by the light that the 
5522doer had when he performed it.
5523
5524OUTDO, v.t.  To make an enemy.
5525
5526OUT-OF-DOORS, n.  That part of one's environment upon which no 
5527government has been able to collect taxes.  Chiefly useful to inspire 
5528poets.
5529
5530    I climbed to the top of a mountain one day
5531        To see the sun setting in glory,
5532    And I thought, as I looked at his vanishing ray,
5533        Of a perfectly splendid story.
5534
5535    'Twas about an old man and the ass he bestrode
5536        Till the strength of the beast was o'ertested;
5537    Then the man would carry him miles on the road
5538        Till Neddy was pretty well rested.
5539
5540    The moon rising solemnly over the crest
5541        Of the hills to the east of my station
5542    Displayed her broad disk to the darkening west
5543        Like a visible new creation.
5544
5545    And I thought of a joke (and I laughed till I cried)
5546        Of an idle young woman who tarried
5547    About a church-door for a look at the bride,
5548        Although 'twas herself that was married.
5549
5550    To poets all Nature is pregnant with grand
5551        Ideas -- with thought and emotion.
5552    I pity the dunces who don't understand
5553        The speech of earth, heaven and ocean.
5554                                                       Stromboli Smith
5555
5556OVATION, n.  n ancient Rome, a definite, formal pageant in honor of 
5557one who had been disserviceable to the enemies of the nation.  A 
5558lesser "triumph."  In modern English the word is improperly used to 
5559signify any loose and spontaneous expression of popular homage to the 
5560hero of the hour and place.
5561
5562    "I had an ovation!" the actor man said,
5563        But I thought it uncommonly queer,
5564    That people and critics by him had been led
5565            By the ear.
5566
5567    The Latin lexicon makes his absurd
5568        Assertion as plain as a peg;
5569    In "ovum" we find the true root of the word.
5570            It means egg.
5571                                                          Dudley Spink
5572
5573OVEREAT, v.  To dine.
5574
5575    Hail, Gastronome, Apostle of Excess,
5576    Well skilled to overeat without distress!
5577    Thy great invention, the unfatal feast,
5578    Shows Man's superiority to Beast.
5579                                                             John Boop
5580
5581OVERWORK, n.  A dangerous disorder affecting high public functionaries 
5582who want to go fishing.
5583
5584OWE, v.  To have (and to hold) a debt.  The word formerly signified 
5585not indebtedness, but possession; it meant "own," and in the minds of 
5586debtors there is still a good deal of confusion between assets and 
5587liabilities.
5588
5589OYSTER, n.  A slimy, gobby shellfish which civilization gives men the 
5590hardihood to eat without removing its entrails!  The shells are 
5591sometimes given to the poor.
5592
5593
5594                                  P
5595
5596
5597PAIN, n.  An uncomfortable frame of mind that may have a physical 
5598basis in something that is being done to the body, or may be purely 
5599mental, caused by the good fortune of another.
5600
5601PAINTING, n.  The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather and 
5602exposing them to the critic.
5603    Formerly, painting and sculpture were combined in the same work:  
5604the ancients painted their statues.  The only present alliance between 
5605the two arts is that the modern painter chisels his patrons.
5606
5607PALACE, n.  A fine and costly residence, particularly that of a great 
5608official.  The residence of a high dignitary of the Christian Church 
5609is called a palace; that of the Founder of his religion was known as a 
5610field, or wayside.  There is progress.
5611
5612PALM, n.  A species of tree having several varieties, of which the 
5613familiar "itching palm" (_Palma hominis_) is most widely distributed 
5614and sedulously cultivated.  This noble vegetable exudes a kind of 
5615invisible gum, which may be detected by applying to the bark a piece 
5616of gold or silver.  The metal will adhere with remarkable tenacity.  
5617The fruit of the itching palm is so bitter and unsatisfying that a 
5618considerable percentage of it is sometimes given away in what are known 
5619as "benefactions."
5620
5621PALMISTRY, n.  The 947th method (according to Mimbleshaw's 
5622classification) of obtaining money by false pretences.  It consists in 
5623"reading character" in the wrinkles made by closing the hand.  The 
5624pretence is not altogether false; character can really be read very 
5625accurately in this way, for the wrinkles in every hand submitted 
5626plainly spell the word "dupe."  The imposture consists in not reading 
5627it aloud.
5628
5629PANDEMONIUM, n.  Literally, the Place of All the Demons.  Most of them 
5630have escaped into politics and finance, and the place is now used as a 
5631lecture hall by the Audible Reformer.  When disturbed by his voice the 
5632ancient echoes clamor appropriate responses most gratifying to his 
5633pride of distinction.
5634
5635PANTALOONS, n.  A nether habiliment of the adult civilized male.  The 
5636garment is tubular and unprovided with hinges at the points of 
5637flexion.  Supposed to have been invented by a humorist.  Called 
5638"trousers" by the enlightened and "pants" by the unworthy.
5639
5640PANTHEISM, n.  The doctrine that everything is God, in 
5641contradistinction to the doctrine that God is everything.
5642
5643PANTOMIME, n.  A play in which the story is told without violence to 
5644the language.  The least disagreeable form of dramatic action.
5645
5646PARDON, v.  To remit a penalty and restore to the life of crime.  To 
5647add to the lure of crime the temptation of ingratitude.
5648
5649PASSPORT, n.  A document treacherously inflicted upon a citizen going 
5650abroad, exposing him as an alien and pointing him out for special 
5651reprobation and outrage.
5652
5653PAST, n.  That part of Eternity with some small fraction of which we 
5654have a slight and regrettable acquaintance.  A moving line called the 
5655Present parts it from an imaginary period known as the Future.  These 
5656two grand divisions of Eternity, of which the one is continually 
5657effacing the other, are entirely unlike.  The one is dark with sorrow 
5658and disappointment, the other bright with prosperity and joy.  The 
5659Past is the region of sobs, the Future is the realm of song.  In the 
5660one crouches Memory, clad in sackcloth and ashes, mumbling penitential 
5661prayer; in the sunshine of the other Hope flies with a free wing, 
5662beckoning to temples of success and bowers of ease.  Yet the Past is 
5663the Future of yesterday, the Future is the Past of to-morrow.  They 
5664are one -- the knowledge and the dream.
5665
5666PASTIME, n.  A device for promoting dejection.  Gentle exercise for 
5667intellectual debility.
5668
5669PATIENCE, n.  A minor form of despair, disguised as a virtue.
5670
5671PATRIOT, n.  One to whom the interests of a part seem superior to 
5672those of the whole.  The dupe of statesmen and the tool of conquerors.
5673
5674PATRIOTISM, n.  Combustible rubbish read to the torch of any one 
5675ambitious to illuminate his name.
5676    In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the 
5677last resort of a scoundrel.  With all due respect to an enlightened 
5678but inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first.
5679
5680PEACE, n.  In international affairs, a period of cheating between two 
5681periods of fighting.
5682
5683    O, what's the loud uproar assailing
5684        Mine ears without cease?
5685    'Tis the voice of the hopeful, all-hailing
5686        The horrors of peace.
5687
5688    Ah, Peace Universal; they woo it --
5689        Would marry it, too.
5690    If only they knew how to do it
5691        'Twere easy to do.
5692
5693    They're working by night and by day
5694        On their problem, like moles.
5695    Have mercy, O Heaven, I pray,
5696        On their meddlesome souls!
5697                                                               Ro Amil
5698
5699PEDESTRIAN, n.  The variable (an audible) part of the roadway for an 
5700automobile.
5701
5702PEDIGREE, n.  The known part of the route from an arboreal ancestor 
5703with a swim bladder to an urban descendant with a cigarette.
5704
5705PENITENT, adj.  Undergoing or awaiting punishment.
5706
5707PERFECTION, n.  An imaginary state of quality distinguished from the 
5708actual by an element known as excellence; an attribute of the critic.
5709    The editor of an English magazine having received a letter 
5710pointing out the erroneous nature of his views and style, and signed 
5711"Perfection," promptly wrote at the foot of the letter:  "I don't 
5712agree with you," and mailed it to Matthew Arnold.
5713
5714PERIPATETIC, adj.  Walking about.  Relating to the philosophy of 
5715Aristotle, who, while expounding it, moved from place to place in 
5716order to avoid his pupil's objections.  A needless precaution -- they 
5717knew no more of the matter than he.
5718
5719PERORATION, n.  The explosion of an oratorical rocket.  It dazzles, 
5720but to an observer having the wrong kind of nose its most conspicuous 
5721peculiarity is the smell of the several kinds of powder used in 
5722preparing it.
5723
5724PERSEVERANCE, n.  A lowly virtue whereby mediocrity achieves an 
5725inglorious success.
5726
5727    "Persevere, persevere!" cry the homilists all,
5728    Themselves, day and night, persevering to bawl.
5729    "Remember the fable of tortoise and hare --
5730    The one at the goal while the other is -- where?"
5731    Why, back there in Dreamland, renewing his lease
5732    Of life, all his muscles preserving the peace,
5733    The goal and the rival forgotten alike,
5734    And the long fatigue of the needless hike.
5735    His spirit a-squat in the grass and the dew
5736    Of the dogless Land beyond the Stew,
5737    He sleeps, like a saint in a holy place,
5738    A winner of all that is good in a race.
5739                                                          Sukker Uffro
5740
5741PESSIMISM, n.  A philosophy forced upon the convictions of the 
5742observer by the disheartening prevalence of the optimist with his 
5743scarecrow hope and his unsightly smile.
5744
5745PHILANTHROPIST, n.  A rich (and usually bald) old gentleman who has 
5746trained himself to grin while his conscience is picking his pocket.
5747
5748PHILISTINE, n.  One whose mind is the creature of its environment, 
5749following the fashion in thought, feeling and sentiment.  He is 
5750sometimes learned, frequently prosperous, commonly clean and always 
5751solemn.
5752
5753PHILOSOPHY, n.  A route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing.
5754
5755PHOENIX, n.  The classical prototype of the modern "small hot bird."
5756
5757PHONOGRAPH, n.  An irritating toy that restores life to dead noises.
5758
5759PHOTOGRAPH, n.  A picture painted by the sun without instruction in 
5760art.  It is a little better than the work of an Apache, but not quite 
5761so good as that of a Cheyenne.
5762
5763PHRENOLOGY, n.  The science of picking the pocket through the scalp.  
5764It consists in locating and exploiting the organ that one is a dupe 
5765with.
5766
5767PHYSICIAN, n.  One upon whom we set our hopes when ill and our dogs 
5768when well.
5769
5770PHYSIOGNOMY, n.  The art of determining the character of another by 
5771the resemblances and differences between his face and our own, which 
5772is the standard of excellence.
5773
5774    "There is no art," says Shakespeare, foolish man,
5775        "To read the mind's construction in the face."
5776    The physiognomists his portrait scan,
5777        And say:  "How little wisdom here we trace!
5778    He knew his face disclosed his mind and heart,
5779    So, in his own defence, denied our art."
5780                                                         Lavatar Shunk
5781
5782PIANO, n.  A parlor utensil for subduing the impenitent visitor.  It 
5783is operated by pressing the keys of the machine and the spirits of the 
5784audience.
5785
5786PICKANINNY, n.  The young of the _Procyanthropos_, or _Americanus 
5787dominans_.  It is small, black and charged with political fatalities.
5788
5789PICTURE, n.  A representation in two dimensions of something wearisome
5790in three.
5791
5792    "Behold great Daubert's picture here on view --
5793    Taken from Life."  If that description's true,
5794    Grant, heavenly Powers, that I be taken, too.
5795                                                             Jali Hane
5796
5797PIE, n.  An advance agent of the reaper whose name is Indigestion.
5798
5799    Cold pie was highly esteemed by the remains.
5800                                                       Rev. Dr. Mucker
5801                         (in a funeral sermon over a British nobleman)
5802
5803    Cold pie is a detestable
5804    American comestible.
5805    That's why I'm done -- or undone --
5806    So far from that dear London.
5807               (from the headstone of a British nobleman in Kalamazoo)
5808
5809PIETY, n.  Reverence for the Supreme Being, based upon His supposed 
5810resemblance to man.
5811
5812    The pig is taught by sermons and epistles
5813    To think the God of Swine has snout and bristles.
5814                                                              Judibras
5815
5816PIG, n.  An animal (_Porcus omnivorus_) closely allied to the human 
5817race by the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is 
5818inferior in scope, for it sticks at pig.
5819
5820PIGMY, n.  One of a tribe of very small men found by ancient travelers 
5821in many parts of the world, but by modern in Central Africa only.  The 
5822Pigmies are so called to distinguish them from the bulkier Caucasians 
5823-- who are Hogmies.
5824
5825PILGRIM, n.  A traveler that is taken seriously.  A Pilgrim Father was 
5826one who, leaving Europe in 1620 because not permitted to sing psalms 
5827through his nose, followed it to Massachusetts, where he could 
5828personate God according to the dictates of his conscience.
5829
5830PILLORY, n.  A mechanical device for inflicting personal distinction 
5831-- prototype of the modern newspaper conducted by persons of austere 
5832virtues and blameless lives.
5833
5834PIRACY, n.  Commerce without its folly-swaddles, just as God made it.
5835
5836PITIFUL, adj.  The state of an enemy of opponent after an imaginary 
5837encounter with oneself.
5838
5839PITY, n.  A failing sense of exemption, inspired by contrast.
5840
5841PLAGIARISM, n.  A literary coincidence compounded of a discreditable 
5842priority and an honorable subsequence.
5843
5844PLAGIARIZE, v.  To take the thought or style of another writer whom 
5845one has never, never read.
5846
5847PLAGUE, n.  In ancient times a general punishment of the innocent for 
5848admonition of their ruler, as in the familiar instance of Pharaoh the 
5849Immune.  The plague as we of to-day have the happiness to know it is 
5850merely Nature's fortuitous manifestation of her purposeless 
5851objectionableness.
5852
5853PLAN, v.t.  To bother about the best method of accomplishing an 
5854accidental result.
5855
5856PLATITUDE, n.  The fundamental element and special glory of popular 
5857literature. A thought that snores in words that smoke.  The wisdom of 
5858a million fools in the diction of a dullard.  A fossil sentiment in 
5859artificial rock.  A moral without the fable.  All that is mortal of a 
5860departed truth.  A demi-tasse of milk-and-mortality.  The Pope's-nose 
5861of a featherless peacock.  A jelly-fish withering on the shore of the 
5862sea of thought.  The cackle surviving the egg.  A desiccated epigram.
5863
5864PLATONIC, adj.  Pertaining to the philosophy of Socrates.  Platonic 
5865Love is a fool's name for the affection between a disability and a 
5866frost.
5867
5868PLAUDITS, n.  Coins with which the populace pays those who tickle and 
5869devour it.
5870
5871PLEASE, v.  To lay the foundation for a superstructure of imposition.
5872
5873PLEASURE, n.  The least hateful form of dejection.
5874
5875PLEBEIAN, n.  An ancient Roman who in the blood of his country stained 
5876nothing but his hands.  Distinguished from the Patrician, who was a 
5877saturated solution.
5878
5879PLEBISCITE, n.  A popular vote to ascertain the will of the sovereign.
5880
5881PLENIPOTENTIARY, adj.  Having full power.  A Minister Plenipotentiary 
5882is a diplomatist possessing absolute authority on condition that he 
5883never exert it.
5884
5885PLEONASM, n.  An army of words escorting a corporal of thought.
5886
5887PLOW, n.  An implement that cries aloud for hands accustomed to the 
5888pen.
5889
5890PLUNDER, v.  To take the property of another without observing the 
5891decent and customary reticences of theft.  To effect a change of 
5892ownership with the candid concomitance of a brass band.  To wrest the 
5893wealth of A from B and leave C lamenting a vanishing opportunity.
5894
5895POCKET, n.  The cradle of motive and the grave of conscience.  In 
5896woman this organ is lacking; so she acts without motive, and her 
5897conscience, denied burial, remains ever alive, confessing the sins of 
5898others.
5899
5900POETRY, n.  A form of expression peculiar to the Land beyond the 
5901Magazines.
5902
5903POKER, n.  A game said to be played with cards for some purpose to 
5904this lexicographer unknown.
5905
5906POLICE, n.  An armed force for protection and participation.
5907
5908POLITENESS, n.  The most acceptable hypocrisy.
5909
5910POLITICS, n.  A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of 
5911principles.  The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.
5912
5913POLITICIAN, n.  An eel in the fundamental mud upon which the 
5914superstructure of organized society is reared.  When we wriggles he 
5915mistakes the agitation of his tail for the trembling of the edifice.  
5916As compared with the statesman, he suffers the disadvantage of being 
5917alive.
5918
5919POLYGAMY, n.  A house of atonement, or expiatory chapel, fitted with 
5920several stools of repentance, as distinguished from monogamy, which 
5921has but one.
5922
5923POPULIST, n.  A fossil patriot of the early agricultural period, found 
5924in the old red soapstone underlying Kansas; characterized by an 
5925uncommon spread of ear, which some naturalists contend gave him the 
5926power of flight, though Professors Morse and Whitney, pursuing 
5927independent lines of thought, have ingeniously pointed out that had he 
5928possessed it he would have gone elsewhere.  In the picturesque speech 
5929of his period, some fragments of which have come down to us, he was 
5930known as "The Matter with Kansas."
5931
5932PORTABLE, adj.  Exposed to a mutable ownership through vicissitudes of 
5933possession.
5934
5935    His light estate, if neither he did make it
5936    Nor yet its former guardian forsake it,
5937    Is portable improperly, I take it.
5938                                                        Worgum Slupsky
5939
5940PORTUGUESE, n.pl.  A species of geese indigenous to Portugal.  They 
5941are mostly without feathers and imperfectly edible, even when stuffed 
5942with garlic.
5943
5944POSITIVE, adj.  Mistaken at the top of one's voice.
5945
5946POSITIVISM, n.  A philosophy that denies our knowledge of the Real and 
5947affirms our ignorance of the Apparent.  Its longest exponent is Comte, 
5948its broadest Mill and its thickest Spencer.
5949
5950POSTERITY, n.  An appellate court which reverses the judgment of a 
5951popular author's contemporaries, the appellant being his obscure 
5952competitor.
5953
5954POTABLE, n.  Suitable for drinking.  Water is said to be potable; 
5955indeed, some declare it our natural beverage, although even they find 
5956it palatable only when suffering from the recurrent disorder known as 
5957thirst, for which it is a medicine.  Upon nothing has so great and 
5958diligent ingenuity been brought to bear in all ages and in all 
5959countries, except the most uncivilized, as upon the invention of 
5960substitutes for water.  To hold that this general aversion to that 
5961liquid has no basis in the preservative instinct of the race is to be 
5962unscientific -- and without science we are as the snakes and toads.
5963
5964POVERTY, n.  A file provided for the teeth of the rats of reform.  The 
5965number of plans for its abolition equals that of the reformers who 
5966suffer from it, plus that of the philosophers who know nothing about 
5967it.  Its victims are distinguished by possession of all the virtues 
5968and by their faith in leaders seeking to conduct them into a 
5969prosperity where they believe these to be unknown.
5970
5971PRAY, v.  To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf 
5972of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
5973
5974PRE-ADAMITE, n.  One of an experimental and apparently unsatisfactory 
5975race of antedated Creation and lived under conditions not easily 
5976conceived.  Melsius believed them to have inhabited "the Void" and to 
5977have been something intermediate between fishes and birds.  Little its 
5978known of them beyond the fact that they supplied Cain with a wife and 
5979theologians with a controversy.
5980
5981PRECEDENT, n.  In Law, a previous decision, rule or practice which, in 
5982the absence of a definite statute, has whatever force and authority a 
5983Judge may choose to give it, thereby greatly simplifying his task of 
5984doing as he pleases.  As there are precedents for everything, he has 
5985only to ignore those that make against his interest and accentuate 
5986those in the line of his desire.  Invention of the precedent elevates 
5987the trial-at-law from the low estate of a fortuitous ordeal to the 
5988noble attitude of a dirigible arbitrament.
5989
5990PRECIPITATE, adj.  Anteprandial.
5991
5992    Precipitate in all, this sinner
5993    Took action first, and then his dinner.
5994                                                              Judibras
5995
5996PRECEDENT, n.  In Law, a previous decision, rule or practice which, in 
5997the absence of a definite statute, has whatever force and authority a 
5998Judge may choose to give it, thereby greatly simplifying his task of 
5999doing as he pleases.  As there are precedents for everything, he has 
6000only to ignore those that make against his interest and accentuate 
6001those in the line of his desire.  Invention of the precedent elevates 
6002the trial-at-law from the low estate of a fortuitous ordeal to the 
6003noble attitude of a dirigible arbitrament.
6004
6005PRECIPITATE, adj.  Anteprandial.
6006
6007    Precipitate in all, this sinner
6008    Took action first, and then his dinner.
6009                                                              Judibras
6010
6011PREDESTINATION, n.  The doctrine that all things occur according to 
6012programme.  This doctrine should not be confused with that of 
6013foreordination, which means that all things are programmed, but does 
6014not affirm their occurrence, that being only an implication from other 
6015doctrines by which this is entailed.  The difference is great enough 
6016to have deluged Christendom with ink, to say nothing of the gore.  
6017With the distinction of the two doctrines kept well in mind, and a 
6018reverent belief in both, one may hope to escape perdition if spared.
6019
6020PREDICAMENT, n.  The wage of consistency.
6021
6022PREDILECTION, n.  The preparatory stage of disillusion.
6023
6024PRE-EXISTENCE, n.  An unnoted factor in creation.
6025
6026PREFERENCE, n.  A sentiment, or frame of mind, induced by the 
6027erroneous belief that one thing is better than another.
6028    An ancient philosopher, expounding his conviction that life is no 
6029better than death, was asked by a disciple why, then, he did not die.  
6030"Because," he replied, "death is no better than life."
6031    It is longer.
6032
6033PREHISTORIC, adj.  Belonging to an early period and a museum.  
6034Antedating the art and practice of perpetuating falsehood.
6035
6036    He lived in a period prehistoric,
6037    When all was absurd and phantasmagoric.
6038    Born later, when Clio, celestial recorded,
6039    Set down great events in succession and order,
6040    He surely had seen nothing droll or fortuitous
6041    In anything here but the lies that she threw at us.
6042                                                         Orpheus Bowen
6043
6044PREJUDICE, n.  A vagrant opinion without visible means of support.
6045
6046PRELATE, n.  A church officer having a superior degree of holiness and 
6047a fat preferment.  One of Heaven's aristocracy.  A gentleman of God.
6048
6049PREROGATIVE, n.  A sovereign's right to do wrong.
6050
6051PRESBYTERIAN, n.  One who holds the conviction that the government 
6052authorities of the Church should be called presbyters.
6053
6054PRESCRIPTION, n.  A physician's guess at what will best prolong the 
6055situation with least harm to the patient.
6056
6057PRESENT, n.  That part of eternity dividing the domain of 
6058disappointment from the realm of hope.
6059
6060PRESENTABLE, adj.  Hideously appareled after the manner of the time 
6061and place.
6062    In Boorioboola-Gha a man is presentable on occasions of ceremony 
6063if he have his abdomen painted a bright blue and wear a cow's tail; in 
6064New York he may, if it please him, omit the paint, but after sunset he 
6065must wear two tails made of the wool of a sheep and dyed black.
6066
6067PRESIDE, v.  To guide the action of a deliberative body to a desirable 
6068result.  In Journalese, to perform upon a musical instrument; as, "He 
6069presided at the piccolo."
6070
6071    The Headliner, holding the copy in hand,
6072        Read with a solemn face:
6073    "The music was very uncommonly grand --
6074            The best that was every provided,
6075            For our townsman Brown presided
6076        At the organ with skill and grace."
6077    The Headliner discontinued to read,
6078        And, spread the paper down
6079    On the desk, he dashed in at the top of the screed:
6080        "Great playing by President Brown."
6081                                                         Orpheus Bowen
6082
6083PRESIDENCY, n.  The greased pig in the field game of American 
6084politics.
6085
6086PRESIDENT, n.  The leading figure in a small group of men of whom -- 
6087and of whom only -- it is positively known that immense numbers of 
6088their countrymen did not want any of them for President.
6089
6090    If that's an honor surely 'tis a greater
6091    To have been a simple and undamned spectator.
6092    Behold in me a man of mark and note
6093    Whom no elector e'er denied a vote! --
6094    An undiscredited, unhooted gent
6095    Who might, for all we know, be President
6096    By acclimation.  Cheer, ye varlets, cheer --
6097    I'm passing with a wide and open ear!
6098                                                        Jonathan Fomry
6099
6100PREVARICATOR, n.  A liar in the caterpillar estate.
6101
6102PRICE, n.  Value, plus a reasonable sum for the wear and tear of 
6103conscience in demanding it.
6104
6105PRIMATE, n.  The head of a church, especially a State church supported 
6106by involuntary contributions.  The Primate of England is the 
6107Archbishop of Canterbury, an amiable old gentleman, who occupies 
6108Lambeth Palace when living and Westminster Abbey when dead.  He is 
6109commonly dead.
6110
6111PRISON, n.  A place of punishments and rewards.  The poet assures us 
6112that --
6113
6114    "Stone walls do not a prison make,"
6115
6116but a combination of the stone wall, the political parasite and the 
6117moral instructor is no garden of sweets.
6118
6119PRIVATE, n.  A military gentleman with a field-marshal's baton in his 
6120knapsack and an impediment in his hope.
6121
6122PROBOSCIS, n.  The rudimentary organ of an elephant which serves him 
6123in place of the knife-and-fork that Evolution has as yet denied him.  
6124For purposes of humor it is popularly called a trunk.
6125    Asked how he knew that an elephant was going on a journey, the 
6126illustrious Jo. Miller cast a reproachful look upon his tormentor, and 
6127answered, absently:  "When it is ajar," and threw himself from a high 
6128promontory into the sea.  Thus perished in his pride the most famous 
6129humorist of antiquity, leaving to mankind a heritage of woe!  No 
6130successor worthy of the title has appeared, though Mr. Edward bok, of 
6131_The Ladies' Home Journal_, is much respected for the purity and 
6132sweetness of his personal character.
6133
6134PROJECTILE, n.  The final arbiter in international disputes.  Formerly 
6135these disputes were settled by physical contact of the disputants, 
6136with such simple arguments as the rudimentary logic of the times could 
6137supply -- the sword, the spear, and so forth.  With the growth of 
6138prudence in military affairs the projectile came more and more into 
6139favor, and is now held in high esteem by the most courageous.  Its 
6140capital defect is that it requires personal attendance at the point of 
6141propulsion.
6142
6143PROOF, n.  Evidence having a shade more of plausibility than of 
6144unlikelihood.  The testimony of two credible witnesses as opposed to 
6145that of only one.
6146
6147PROOF-READER, n.  A malefactor who atones for making your writing 
6148nonsense by permitting the compositor to make it unintelligible.
6149
6150PROPERTY, n.  Any material thing, having no particular value, that may 
6151be held by A against the cupidity of B.  Whatever gratifies the 
6152passion for possession in one and disappoints it in all others.  The 
6153object of man's brief rapacity and long indifference.
6154
6155PROPHECY, n.  The art and practice of selling one's credibility for 
6156future delivery.
6157
6158PROSPECT, n.  An outlook, usually forbidding.  An expectation, usually 
6159forbidden.
6160
6161    Blow, blow, ye spicy breezes --
6162        O'er Ceylon blow your breath,
6163    Where every prospect pleases,
6164        Save only that of death.
6165                                                         Bishop Sheber
6166
6167PROVIDENTIAL, adj.  Unexpectedly and conspicuously beneficial to the 
6168person so describing it.
6169
6170PRUDE, n.  A bawd hiding behind the back of her demeanor.
6171
6172PUBLISH, n.  In literary affairs, to become the fundamental element in 
6173a cone of critics.
6174
6175PUSH, n.  One of the two things mainly conducive to success, 
6176especially in politics.  The other is Pull.
6177
6178PYRRHONISM, n.  An ancient philosophy, named for its inventor.  It 
6179consisted of an absolute disbelief in everything but Pyrrhonism.  Its 
6180modern professors have added that.
6181
6182
6183                                  Q
6184
6185
6186QUEEN, n.  A woman by whom the realm is ruled when there is a king, 
6187and through whom it is ruled when there is not.
6188
6189QUILL, n.  An implement of torture yielded by a goose and commonly 
6190wielded by an ass.  This use of the quill is now obsolete, but its 
6191modern equivalent, the steel pen, is wielded by the same everlasting 
6192Presence.
6193
6194QUIVER, n.  A portable sheath in which the ancient statesman and the 
6195aboriginal lawyer carried their lighter arguments.
6196
6197    He extracted from his quiver,
6198        Did the controversial Roman,
6199    An argument well fitted
6200    To the question as submitted,
6201    Then addressed it to the liver,
6202        Of the unpersuaded foeman.
6203                                                        Oglum P. Boomp
6204
6205QUIXOTIC, adj.  Absurdly chivalric, like Don Quixote.  An insight into 
6206the beauty and excellence of this incomparable adjective is unhappily 
6207denied to him who has the misfortune to know that the gentleman's name 
6208is pronounced Ke-ho-tay.
6209
6210    When ignorance from out of our lives can banish
6211    Philology, 'tis folly to know Spanish.
6212                                                            Juan Smith
6213
6214QUORUM, n.  A sufficient number of members of a deliberative body to 
6215have their own way and their own way of having it.  In the United 
6216States Senate a quorum consists of the chairman of the Committee on 
6217Finance and a messenger from the White House; in the House of 
6218Representatives, of the Speaker and the devil.
6219
6220QUOTATION, n.  The act of repeating erroneously the words of another.  
6221The words erroneously repeated.
6222
6223    Intent on making his quotation truer,
6224    He sought the page infallible of Brewer,
6225    Then made a solemn vow that we would be
6226    Condemned eternally.  Ah, me, ah, me!
6227                                                          Stumpo Gaker
6228
6229QUOTIENT, n.  A number showing how many times a sum of money belonging 
6230to one person is contained in the pocket of another -- usually about 
6231as many times as it can be got there.
6232
6233
6234                                  R
6235
6236
6237RABBLE, n.  In a republic, those who exercise a supreme authority 
6238tempered by fraudulent elections.  The rabble is like the sacred 
6239Simurgh, of Arabian fable -- omnipotent on condition that it do 
6240nothing.  (The word is Aristocratese, and has no exact equivalent in 
6241our tongue, but means, as nearly as may be, "soaring swine.")
6242
6243RACK, n.  An argumentative implement formerly much used in persuading 
6244devotees of a false faith to embrace the living truth.  As a call to 
6245the unconverted the rack never had any particular efficacy, and is now 
6246held in light popular esteem.
6247
6248RANK, n.  Relative elevation in the scale of human worth.
6249
6250    He held at court a rank so high
6251    That other noblemen asked why.
6252    "Because," 'twas answered, "others lack
6253    His skill to scratch the royal back."
6254                                                          Aramis Jukes
6255
6256RANSOM, n.  The purchase of that which neither belongs to the seller, 
6257nor can belong to the buyer.  The most unprofitable of investments.
6258
6259RAPACITY, n.  Providence without industry.  The thrift of power.
6260
6261RAREBIT, n.  A Welsh rabbit, in the speech of the humorless, who point 
6262out that it is not a rabbit.  To whom it may be solemnly explained 
6263that the comestible known as toad-in-a-hole is really not a toad, and 
6264that _riz-de-veau a la financiere_ is not the smile of a calf prepared 
6265after the recipe of a she banker.
6266
6267RASCAL, n.  A fool considered under another aspect.
6268
6269RASCALITY, n.  Stupidity militant.  The activity of a clouded 
6270intellect.
6271
6272RASH, adj.  Insensible to the value of our advice.
6273
6274    "Now lay your bet with mine, nor let
6275        These gamblers take your cash."
6276    "Nay, this child makes no bet."  "Great snakes!
6277        How can you be so rash?"
6278                                                        Bootle P. Gish
6279
6280RATIONAL, adj.  Devoid of all delusions save those of observation, 
6281experience and reflection.
6282
6283RATTLESNAKE, n.  Our prostrate brother, _Homo ventrambulans_.
6284
6285RAZOR, n.  An instrument used by the Caucasian to enhance his beauty, 
6286by the Mongolian to make a guy of himself, and by the Afro-American to 
6287affirm his worth.
6288
6289REACH, n.  The radius of action of the human hand.  The area within 
6290which it is possible (and customary) to gratify directly the 
6291propensity to provide.
6292
6293    This is a truth, as old as the hills,
6294        That life and experience teach:
6295    The poor man suffers that keenest of ills,
6296        An impediment of his reach.
6297                                                                  G.J.
6298
6299READING, n.  The general body of what one reads.  In our country it 
6300consists, as a rule, of Indiana novels, short stories in "dialect" and 
6301humor in slang.
6302
6303    We know by one's reading
6304    His learning and breeding;
6305    By what draws his laughter
6306    We know his Hereafter.
6307    Read nothing, laugh never --
6308    The Sphinx was less clever!
6309                                                          Jupiter Muke
6310
6311RADICALISM, n.  The conservatism of to-morrow injected into the 
6312affairs of to-day.
6313
6314RADIUM, n.  A mineral that gives off heat and stimulates the organ 
6315that a scientist is a fool with.
6316
6317RAILROAD, n.  The chief of many mechanical devices enabling us to get 
6318away from where we are to wher we are no better off.  For this purpose 
6319the railroad is held in highest favor by the optimist, for it permits 
6320him to make the transit with great expedition.
6321
6322RAMSHACKLE, adj.  Pertaining to a certain order of architecture, 
6323otherwise known as the Normal American.  Most of the public buildings 
6324of the United States are of the Ramshackle order, though some of our 
6325earlier architects preferred the Ironic.  Recent additions to the 
6326White House in Washington are Theo-Doric, the ecclesiastic order of 
6327the Dorians.  They are exceedingly fine and cost one hundred dollars a 
6328brick.
6329
6330REALISM, n.  The art of depicting nature as it is seem by toads.  The 
6331charm suffusing a landscape painted by a mole, or a story written by a 
6332measuring-worm.
6333
6334REALITY, n.  The dream of a mad philosopher.  That which would remain 
6335in the cupel if one should assay a phantom.  The nucleus of a vacuum.
6336
6337REALLY, adv.  Apparently.
6338
6339REAR, n.  In American military matters, that exposed part of the army 
6340that is nearest to Congress.
6341
6342REASON, v.i.  To weight probabilities in the scales of desire.
6343
6344REASON, n.  Propensitate of prejudice.
6345
6346REASONABLE, adj.  Accessible to the infection of our own opinions.  
6347Hospitable to persuasion, dissuasion and evasion.
6348
6349REBEL, n.  A proponent of a new misrule who has failed to establish 
6350it.
6351
6352RECOLLECT, v.  To recall with additions something not previously 
6353known.
6354
6355RECONCILIATION, n.  A suspension of hostilities.  An armed truce for 
6356the purpose of digging up the dead.
6357
6358RECONSIDER, v.  To seek a justification for a decision already made.
6359
6360RECOUNT, n.  In American politics, another throw of the dice, accorded 
6361to the player against whom they are loaded.
6362
6363RECREATION, n.  A particular kind of dejection to relieve a general 
6364fatigue.
6365
6366RECRUIT, n.  A person distinguishable from a civilian by his uniform 
6367and from a soldier by his gait.
6368
6369    Fresh from the farm or factory or street,
6370    His marching, in pursuit or in retreat,
6371        Were an impressive martial spectacle
6372    Except for two impediments -- his feet.
6373                                                      Thompson Johnson
6374
6375RECTOR, n.  In the Church of England, the Third Person of the 
6376parochial Trinity, the Cruate and the Vicar being the other two.
6377
6378REDEMPTION, n.  Deliverance of sinners from the penalty of their sin, 
6379through their murder of the deity against whom they sinned.  The 
6380doctrine of Redemption is the fundamental mystery of our holy 
6381religion, and whoso believeth in it shall not perish, but have 
6382everlasting life in which to try to understand it.
6383
6384    We must awake Man's spirit from his sin,
6385        And take some special measure for redeeming it;
6386    Though hard indeed the task to get it in
6387        Among the angels any way but teaming it,
6388        Or purify it otherwise than steaming it.
6389    I'm awkward at Redemption -- a beginner:
6390    My method is to crucify the sinner.
6391                                                           Golgo Brone
6392
6393REDRESS, n.  Reparation without satisfaction.
6394    Among the Anglo-Saxon a subject conceiving himself wronged by the 
6395king was permitted, on proving his injury, to beat a brazen image of 
6396the royal offender with a switch that was afterward applied to his own 
6397naked back.  The latter rite was performed by the public hangman, and 
6398it assured moderation in the plaintiff's choice of a switch.
6399
6400RED-SKIN, n.  A North American Indian, whose skin is not red -- at 
6401least not on the outside.
6402
6403REDUNDANT, adj.  Superfluous; needless; _de trop_.
6404
6405    The Sultan said:  "There's evidence abundant
6406    To prove this unbelieving dog redundant."
6407    To whom the Grand Vizier, with mien impressive,
6408    Replied:  "His head, at least, appears excessive."
6409                                                       Habeeb Suleiman
6410
6411    Mr. Debs is a redundant citizen.
6412                                                    Theodore Roosevelt
6413
6414REFERENDUM, n.  A law for submission of proposed legislation to a 
6415popular vote to learn the nonsensus of public opinion.
6416
6417REFLECTION, n.  An action of the mind whereby we obtain a clearer view 
6418of our relation to the things of yesterday and are able to avoid the 
6419perils that we shall not again encounter.
6420
6421REFORM, v.  A thing that mostly satisfies reformers opposed to 
6422reformation.
6423
6424REFUGE, n.  Anything assuring protection to one in peril.  Moses and 
6425Joshua provided six cities of refuge -- Bezer, Golan, Ramoth, Kadesh, 
6426Schekem and Hebron -- to which one who had taken life inadvertently 
6427could flee when hunted by relatives of the deceased.  This admirable 
6428expedient supplied him with wholesome exercise and enabled them to 
6429enjoy the pleasures of the chase; whereby the soul of the dead man was 
6430appropriately honored by observations akin to the funeral games of 
6431early Greece.
6432
6433REFUSAL, n.  Denial of something desired; as an elderly maiden's hand 
6434in marriage, to a rich and handsome suitor; a valuable franchise to a 
6435rich corporation, by an alderman; absolution to an impenitent king, by 
6436a priest, and so forth.  Refusals are graded in a descending scale of 
6437finality thus:  the refusal absolute, the refusal condition, the 
6438refusal tentative and the refusal feminine.  The last is called by 
6439some casuists the refusal assentive.
6440
6441REGALIA, n.  Distinguishing insignia, jewels and costume of such 
6442ancient and honorable orders as Knights of Adam; Visionaries of 
6443Detectable Bosh; the Ancient Order of Modern Troglodytes; the League 
6444of Holy Humbug; the Golden Phalanx of Phalangers; the Genteel Society 
6445of Expurgated Hoodlums; the Mystic Alliances of Georgeous Regalians; 
6446Knights and Ladies of the Yellow Dog; the Oriental Order of Sons of 
6447the West; the Blatherhood of Insufferable Stuff; Warriors of the Long 
6448Bow; Guardians of the Great Horn Spoon; the Band of Brutes; the 
6449Impenitent Order of Wife-Beaters; the Sublime Legion of Flamboyant 
6450Conspicuants; Worshipers at the Electroplated Shrine; Shining 
6451Inaccessibles; Fee-Faw-Fummers of the inimitable Grip; Jannissaries of 
6452the Broad-Blown Peacock; Plumed Increscencies of the Magic Temple; the 
6453Grand Cabal of Able-Bodied Sedentarians; Associated Deities of the 
6454Butter Trade; the Garden of Galoots; the Affectionate Fraternity of 
6455Men Similarly Warted; the Flashing Astonishers; Ladies of Horror; 
6456Cooperative Association for Breaking into the Spotlight; Dukes of Eden; 
6457Disciples Militant of the Hidden Faith; Knights-Champions of the 
6458Domestic Dog; the Holy Gregarians; the Resolute Optimists; the Ancient 
6459Sodality of Inhospitable Hogs; Associated Sovereigns of Mendacity; 
6460Dukes-Guardian of the Mystic Cess-Pool; the Society for Prevention of 
6461Prevalence; Kings of Drink; Polite Federation of Gents-Consequential; 
6462the Mysterious Order of the Undecipherable Scroll; Uniformed Rank of 
6463Lousy Cats; Monarchs of Worth and Hunger; Sons of the South Star; 
6464Prelates of the Tub-and-Sword.
6465
6466RELIGION, n.  A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the 
6467nature of the Unknowable.
6468    "What is your religion my son?" inquired the Archbishop of Rheims.
6469    "Pardon, monseigneur," replied Rochebriant; "I am ashamed of it."
6470    "Then why do you not become an atheist?"
6471    "Impossible!  I should be ashamed of atheism."
6472    "In that case, monsieur, you should join the Protestants."
6473
6474RELIQUARY, n.  A receptacle for such sacred objects as pieces of the 
6475true cross, short-ribs of the saints, the ears of Balaam's ass, the 
6476lung of the cock that called Peter to repentance and so forth.  
6477Reliquaries are commonly of metal, and provided with a lock to prevent 
6478the contents from coming out and performing miracles at unseasonable 
6479times.  A feather from the wing of the Angel of the Annunciation once 
6480escaped during a sermon in Saint Peter's and so tickled the noses of 
6481the congregation that they woke and sneezed with great vehemence three 
6482times each.  It is related in the "Gesta Sanctorum" that a sacristan 
6483in the Canterbury cathedral surprised the head of Saint Dennis in the 
6484library.  Reprimanded by its stern custodian, it explained that it was 
6485seeking a body of doctrine.  This unseemly levity so raged the 
6486diocesan that the offender was publicly anathematized, thrown into the 
6487Stour and replaced by another head of Saint Dennis, brought from Rome.
6488
6489RENOWN, n.  A degree of distinction between notoriety and fame -- a 
6490little more supportable than the one and a little more intolerable 
6491than the other.  Sometimes it is conferred by an unfriendly and 
6492inconsiderate hand.
6493
6494    I touched the harp in every key,
6495        But found no heeding ear;
6496    And then Ithuriel touched me
6497        With a revealing spear.
6498
6499    Not all my genius, great as 'tis,
6500        Could urge me out of night.
6501    I felt the faint appulse of his,
6502        And leapt into the light!
6503                                                        W.J. Candleton
6504
6505REPARATION, n.  Satisfaction that is made for a wrong and deducted 
6506from the satisfaction felt in committing it.
6507
6508REPARTEE, n.  Prudent insult in retort.  Practiced by gentlemen with a 
6509constitutional aversion to violence, but a strong disposition to 
6510offend.  In a war of words, the tactics of the North American Indian.
6511
6512REPENTANCE, n.  The faithful attendant and follower of Punishment.  It 
6513is usually manifest in a degree of reformation that is not 
6514inconsistent with continuity of sin.
6515
6516    Desirous to avoid the pains of Hell,
6517    You will repent and join the Church, Parnell?
6518    How needless! -- Nick will keep you off the coals
6519    And add you to the woes of other souls.
6520                                                         Jomater Abemy
6521
6522REPLICA, n.  A reproduction of a work of art, by the artist that made 
6523the original.  It is so called to distinguish it from a "copy," which 
6524is made by another artist.  When the two are mae with equal skill the 
6525replica is the more valuable, for it is supposed to be more beautiful 
6526than it looks.
6527
6528REPORTER, n.  A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it 
6529with a tempest of words.
6530
6531    "More dear than all my bosom knows, O thou
6532    Whose 'lips are sealed' and will not disavow!"
6533    So sang the blithe reporter-man as grew
6534    Beneath his hand the leg-long "interview."
6535                                                          Barson Maith
6536
6537REPOSE, v.i.  To cease from troubling.
6538
6539REPRESENTATIVE, n.  In national politics, a member of the Lower House 
6540in this world, and without discernible hope of promotion in the next.
6541
6542REPROBATION, n.  In theology, the state of a luckless mortal 
6543prenatally damned.  The doctrine of reprobation was taught by Calvin, 
6544whose joy in it was somewhat marred by the sad sincerity of his 
6545conviction that although some are foredoomed to perdition, others are 
6546predestined to salvation.
6547
6548REPUBLIC, n.  A nation in which, the thing governing and the thing 
6549governed being the same, there is only a permitted authority to 
6550enforce an optional obedience.  In a republic, the foundation of 
6551public order is the ever lessening habit of submission inherited from 
6552ancestors who, being truly governed, submitted because they had to.  
6553There are as many kinds of republics as there are graduations between 
6554the despotism whence they came and the anarchy whither they lead.
6555
6556REQUIEM, n.  A mass for the dead which the minor poets assure us the 
6557winds sing o'er the graves of their favorites.  Sometimes, by way of 
6558providing a varied entertainment, they sing a dirge.
6559
6560RESIDENT, adj.  Unable to leave.
6561
6562RESIGN, v.t.  To renounce an honor for an advantage.  To renounce an 
6563advantage for a greater advantage.
6564
6565    'Twas rumored Leonard Wood had signed
6566        A true renunciation
6567    Of title, rank and every kind
6568        Of military station --
6569        Each honorable station.
6570
6571    By his example fired -- inclined
6572        To noble emulation,
6573    The country humbly was resigned
6574        To Leonard's resignation --
6575        His Christian resignation.
6576                                                       Politian Greame
6577
6578RESOLUTE, adj.  Obstinate in a course that we approve.
6579
6580RESPECTABILITY, n.  The offspring of a _liaison_ between a bald head 
6581and a bank account.
6582
6583RESPIRATOR, n.  An apparatus fitted over the nose and mouth of an 
6584inhabitant of London, whereby to filter the visible universe in its 
6585passage to the lungs.
6586
6587RESPITE, n.  A suspension of hostilities against a sentenced assassin, 
6588to enable the Executive to determine whether the murder may not have 
6589been done by the prosecuting attorney.  Any break in the continuity of 
6590a disagreeable expectation.
6591
6592    Altgeld upon his incandescend bed
6593    Lay, an attendant demon at his head.
6594
6595    "O cruel cook, pray grant me some relief --
6596    Some respite from the roast, however brief."
6597
6598    "Remember how on earth I pardoned all
6599    Your friends in Illinois when held in thrall."
6600
6601    "Unhappy soul! for that alone you squirm
6602    O'er fire unquenched, a never-dying worm.
6603
6604    "Yet, for I pity your uneasy state,
6605    Your doom I'll mollify and pains abate.
6606
6607    "Naught, for a season, shall your comfort mar,
6608    Not even the memory of who you are."
6609
6610    Throughout eternal space dread silence fell;
6611    Heaven trembled as Compassion entered Hell.
6612
6613    "As long, sweet demon, let my respite be
6614    As, governing down here, I'd respite thee."
6615
6616    "As long, poor soul, as any of the pack
6617    You thrust from jail consumed in getting back."
6618
6619    A genial chill affected Altgeld's hide
6620    While they were turning him on t'other side.
6621                                                       Joel Spate Woop
6622
6623RESPLENDENT, adj.  Like a simple American citizen beduking himself in 
6624his lodge, or affirming his consequence in the Scheme of Things as an 
6625elemental unit of a parade.
6626
6627        The Knights of Dominion were so resplendent in their velvet- 
6628    and-gold that their masters would hardly have known them.
6629                                           "Chronicles of the Classes"
6630
6631RESPOND, v.i.  To make answer, or disclose otherwise a consciousness 
6632of having inspired an interest in what Herbert Spencer calls "external 
6633coexistences," as Satan "squat like a toad" at the ear of Eve, 
6634responded to the touch of the angel's spear.  To respond in damages is 
6635to contribute to the maintenance of the plaintiff's attorney and, 
6636incidentally, to the gratification of the plaintiff.
6637
6638RESPONSIBILITY, n.  A detachable burden easily shifted to the 
6639shoulders of God, Fate, Fortune, Luck or one's neighbor.  In the days 
6640of astrology it was customary to unload it upon a star.
6641
6642    Alas, things ain't what we should see
6643    If Eve had let that apple be;
6644    And many a feller which had ought
6645    To set with monarchses of thought,
6646    Or play some rosy little game
6647    With battle-chaps on fields of fame,
6648    Is downed by his unlucky star
6649    And hollers:  "Peanuts! -- here you are!"
6650                                                   "The Sturdy Beggar"
6651
6652RESTITUTIONS, n.  The founding or endowing of universities and public 
6653libraries by gift or bequest.
6654
6655RESTITUTOR, n.  Benefactor; philanthropist.
6656
6657RETALIATION, n.  The natural rock upon which is reared the Temple of 
6658Law.
6659
6660RETRIBUTION, n.  A rain of fire-and-brimstone that falls alike upon 
6661the just and such of the unjust as have not procured shelter by 
6662evicting them.
6663    In the lines following, addressed to an Emperor in exile by Father 
6664Gassalasca Jape, the reverend poet appears to hint his sense of the 
6665improduence of turning about to face Retribution when it is talking 
6666exercise:
6667
6668    What, what! Dom Pedro, you desire to go
6669        Back to Brazil to end your days in quiet?
6670    Why, what assurance have you 'twould be so?
6671        'Tis not so long since you were in a riot,
6672        And your dear subjects showed a will to fly at
6673    Your throat and shake you like a rat.  You know
6674    That empires are ungrateful; are you certain
6675    Republics are less handy to get hurt in?
6676
6677REVEILLE, n.  A signal to sleeping soldiers to dream of battlefields 
6678no more, but get up and have their blue noses counted.  In the 
6679American army it is ingeniously called "rev-e-lee," and to that 
6680pronunciation our countrymen have pledged their lives, their 
6681misfortunes and their sacred dishonor.
6682
6683REVELATION, n.  A famous book in which St. John the Divine concealed 
6684all that he knew.  The revealing is done by the commentators, who know 
6685nothing.
6686
6687REVERENCE, n.  The spiritual attitude of a man to a god and a dog to a 
6688man.
6689
6690REVIEW, v.t.
6691
6692    To set your wisdom (holding not a doubt of it,
6693        Although in truth there's neither bone nor skin to it)
6694    At work upon a book, and so read out of it
6695        The qualities that you have first read into it.
6696
6697REVOLUTION, n.  In politics, an abrupt change in the form of 
6698misgovernment.  Specifically, in American history, the substitution of 
6699the rule of an Administration for that of a Ministry, whereby the 
6700welfare and happiness of the people were advanced a full half-inch.  
6701Revolutions are usually accompanied by a considerable effusion of 
6702blood, but are accounted worth it -- this appraisement being made by 
6703beneficiaries whose blood had not the mischance to be shed.  The 
6704French revolution is of incalculable value to the Socialist of to-day; 
6705when he pulls the string actuating its bones its gestures are 
6706inexpressibly terrifying to gory tyrants suspected of fomenting law 
6707and order.
6708
6709RHADOMANCER, n.  One who uses a divining-rod in prospecting for 
6710precious metals in the pocket of a fool.
6711
6712RIBALDRY, n.  Censorious language by another concerning oneself.
6713
6714RIBROASTER, n.  Censorious language by oneself concerning another.  
6715The word is of classical refinement, and is even said to have been 
6716used in a fable by Georgius Coadjutor, one of the most fastidious 
6717writers of the fifteenth century -- commonly, indeed, regarded as the 
6718founder of the Fastidiotic School.
6719
6720RICE-WATER, n.  A mystic beverage secretly used by our most popular 
6721novelists and poets to regulate the imagination and narcotize the 
6722conscience.  It is said to be rich in both obtundite and lethargine, 
6723and is brewed in a midnight fog by a fat which of the Dismal Swamp.
6724
6725RICH, adj.  Holding in trust and subject to an accounting the property 
6726of the indolent, the incompetent, the unthrifty, the envious and the 
6727luckless.  That is the view that prevails in the underworld, where the 
6728Brotherhood of Man finds its most logical development and candid 
6729advocacy.  To denizens of the midworld the word means good and wise.
6730
6731RICHES, n.
6732
6733        A gift from Heaven signifying, "This is my beloved son, in 
6734    whom I am well pleased."
6735                                                   John D. Rockefeller
6736
6737        The reward of toil and virtue.
6738                                                           J.P. Morgan
6739
6740        The sayings of many in the hands of one.
6741                                                           Eugene Debs
6742
6743    To these excellent definitions the inspired lexicographer feels 
6744that he can add nothing of value.
6745
6746RIDICULE, n.  Words designed to show that the person of whom they are 
6747uttered is devoid of the dignity of character distinguishing him who 
6748utters them.  It may be graphic, mimetic or merely rident.  
6749Shaftesbury is quoted as having pronounced it the test of truth -- a 
6750ridiculous assertion, for many a solemn fallacy has undergone 
6751centuries of ridicule with no abatement of its popular acceptance.  
6752What, for example, has been more valorously derided than the doctrine 
6753of Infant Respectability?
6754
6755RIGHT, n.  Legitimate authority to be, to do or to have; as the right 
6756to be a king, the right to do one's neighbor, the right to have 
6757measles, and the like.  The first of these rights was once universally 
6758believed to be derived directly from the will of God; and this is 
6759still sometimes affirmed _in partibus infidelium_ outside the 
6760enlightened realms of Democracy; as the well known lines of Sir 
6761Abednego Bink, following:
6762
6763        By what right, then, do royal rulers rule?
6764            Whose is the sanction of their state and pow'r?
6765        He surely were as stubborn as a mule
6766            Who, God unwilling, could maintain an hour
6767    His uninvited session on the throne, or air
6768    His pride securely in the Presidential chair.
6769
6770        Whatever is is so by Right Divine;
6771            Whate'er occurs, God wills it so.  Good land!
6772        It were a wondrous thing if His design
6773            A fool could baffle or a rogue withstand!
6774    If so, then God, I say (intending no offence)
6775    Is guilty of contributory negligence.
6776
6777RIGHTEOUSNESS, n.  A sturdy virtue that was once found among the 
6778Pantidoodles inhabiting the lower part of the peninsula of Oque.  Some 
6779feeble attempts were made by returned missionaries to introduce it 
6780into several European countries, but it appears to have been 
6781imperfectly expounded.  An example of this faulty exposition is found 
6782in the only extant sermon of the pious Bishop Rowley, a characteristic 
6783passage from which is here given:
6784
6785        "Now righteousness consisteth not merely in a holy state of 
6786    mind, nor yet in performance of religious rites and obedience to 
6787    the letter of the law.  It is not enough that one be pious and 
6788    just:  one must see to it that others also are in the same state; 
6789    and to this end compulsion is a proper means.  Forasmuch as my 
6790    injustice may work ill to another, so by his injustice may evil be 
6791    wrought upon still another, the which it is as manifestly my duty 
6792    to estop as to forestall mine own tort.  Wherefore if I would be 
6793    righteous I am bound to restrain my neighbor, by force if needful, 
6794    in all those injurious enterprises from which, through a better 
6795    disposition and by the help of Heaven, I do myself restrain."
6796
6797RIME, n.  Agreeing sounds in the terminals of verse, mostly bad.  The 
6798verses themselves, as distinguished from prose, mostly dull.  Usually 
6799(and wickedly) spelled "rhyme."
6800
6801RIMER, n.  A poet regarded with indifference or disesteem.
6802
6803    The rimer quenches his unheeded fires,
6804    The sound surceases and the sense expires.
6805    Then the domestic dog, to east and west,
6806    Expounds the passions burning in his breast.
6807    The rising moon o'er that enchanted land
6808    Pauses to hear and yearns to understand.
6809                                                         Mowbray Myles
6810
6811RIOT, n.  A popular entertainment given to the military by innocent 
6812bystanders.
6813
6814R.I.P.  A careless abbreviation of _requiescat in pace_, attesting to 
6815indolent goodwill to the dead.  According to the learned Dr. Drigge, 
6816however, the letters originally meant nothing more than _reductus in 
6817pulvis_.
6818
6819RITE, n.  A religious or semi-religious ceremony fixed by law, precept 
6820or custom, with the essential oil of sincerity carefully squeezed out 
6821of it.
6822
6823RITUALISM, n.  A Dutch Garden of God where He may walk in rectilinear 
6824freedom, keeping off the grass.
6825
6826ROAD, n.  A strip of land along which one may pass from where it is 
6827too tiresome to be to where it is futile to go.
6828
6829    All roads, howsoe'er they diverge, lead to Rome,
6830    Whence, thank the good Lord, at least one leads back home.
6831                                                        Borey the Bald
6832
6833ROBBER, n.  A candid man of affairs.
6834    It is related of Voltaire that one night he and some traveling 
6835companion lodged at a wayside inn.  The surroundings were suggestive, 
6836and after supper they agreed to tell robber stories in turn.  "Once 
6837there was a Farmer-General of the Revenues."  Saying nothing more, he 
6838was encouraged to continue.  "That," he said, "is the story."
6839
6840ROMANCE, n.  Fiction that owes no allegiance to the God of Things as 
6841They Are.  In the novel the writer's thought is tethered to 
6842probability, as a domestic horse to the hitching-post, but in romance 
6843it ranges at will over the entire region of the imagination -- free, 
6844lawless, immune to bit and rein.  Your novelist is a poor creature, as 
6845Carlyle might say -- a mere reporter.  He may invent his characters 
6846and plot, but he must not imagine anything taking place that might not 
6847occur, albeit his entire narrative is candidly a lie.  Why he imposes 
6848this hard condition on himself, and "drags at each remove a 
6849lengthening chain" of his own forging he can explain in ten thick 
6850volumes without illuminating by so much as a candle's ray the black 
6851profound of his own ignorance of the matter.  There are great novels, 
6852for great writers have "laid waste their powers" to write them, but it 
6853remains true that far and away the most fascinating fiction that we 
6854have is "The Thousand and One Nights."
6855
6856ROPE, n.  An obsolescent appliance for reminding assassins that they 
6857too are mortal.  It is put about the neck and remains in place one's 
6858whole life long.  It has been largely superseded by a more complex 
6859electrical device worn upon another part of the person; and this is 
6860rapidly giving place to an apparatus known as the preachment.
6861
6862ROSTRUM, n.  In Latin, the beak of a bird or the prow of a ship.  In 
6863America, a place from which a candidate for office energetically 
6864expounds the wisdom, virtue and power of the rabble.
6865
6866ROUNDHEAD, n.  A member of the Parliamentarian party in the English 
6867civil war -- so called from his habit of wearing his hair short, 
6868whereas his enemy, the Cavalier, wore his long.  There were other 
6869points of difference between them, but the fashion in hair was the 
6870fundamental cause of quarrel.  The Cavaliers were royalists because 
6871the king, an indolent fellow, found it more convenient to let his hair 
6872grow than to wash his neck.  This the Roundheads, who were mostly 
6873barbers and soap-boilers, deemed an injury to trade, and the royal 
6874neck was therefore the object of their particular indignation.  
6875Descendants of the belligerents now wear their hair all alike, but the 
6876fires of animosity enkindled in that ancient strife smoulder to this 
6877day beneath the snows of British civility.
6878
6879RUBBISH, n.  Worthless matter, such as the religions, philosophies, 
6880literatures, arts and sciences of the tribes infesting the regions 
6881lying due south from Boreaplas.
6882
6883RUIN, v.  To destroy.  Specifically, to destroy a maid's belief in the 
6884virtue of maids.
6885
6886RUM, n.  Generically, fiery liquors that produce madness in total 
6887abstainers.
6888
6889RUMOR, n.  A favorite weapon of the assassins of character.
6890
6891    Sharp, irresistible by mail or shield,
6892        By guard unparried as by flight unstayed,
6893    O serviceable Rumor, let me wield
6894        Against my enemy no other blade.
6895    His be the terror of a foe unseen,
6896        His the inutile hand upon the hilt,
6897    And mine the deadly tongue, long, slender, keen,
6898        Hinting a rumor of some ancient guilt.
6899    So shall I slay the wretch without a blow,
6900    Spare me to celebrate his overthrow,
6901    And nurse my valor for another foe.
6902                                                           Joel Buxter
6903
6904RUSSIAN, n.  A person with a Caucasian body and a Mongolian soul.  A 
6905Tartar Emetic.
6906
6907
6908                                  S
6909
6910
6911SABBATH, n.  A weekly festival having its origin in the fact that God 
6912made the world in six days and was arrested on the seventh.  Among the 
6913Jews observance of the day was enforced by a Commandment of which this 
6914is the Christian version:  "Remember the seventh day to make thy 
6915neighbor keep it wholly."  To the Creator it seemed fit and expedient 
6916that the Sabbath should be the last day of the week, but the Early 
6917Fathers of the Church held other views.  So great is the sanctity of 
6918the day that even where the Lord holds a doubtful and precarious 
6919jurisdiction over those who go down to (and down into) the sea it is 
6920reverently recognized, as is manifest in the following deep-water 
6921version of the Fourth Commandment:
6922
6923    Six days shalt thou labor and do all thou art able,
6924    And on the seventh holystone the deck and scrape the cable.
6925
6926    Decks are no longer holystoned, but the cable still supplies the 
6927captain with opportunity to attest a pious respect for the divine 
6928ordinance.
6929
6930SACERDOTALIST, n.  One who holds the belief that a clergyman is a 
6931priest.  Denial of this momentous doctrine is the hardest challenge 
6932that is now flung into the teeth of the Episcopalian church by the 
6933Neo-Dictionarians.
6934
6935SACRAMENT, n.  A solemn religious ceremony to which several degrees of 
6936authority and significance are attached.  Rome has seven sacraments, 
6937but the Protestant churches, being less prosperous, feel that they can 
6938afford only two, and these of inferior sanctity.  Some of the smaller 
6939sects have no sacraments at all -- for which mean economy they will 
6940indubitable be damned.
6941
6942SACRED, adj.  Dedicated to some religious purpose; having a divine 
6943character; inspiring solemn thoughts or emotions; as, the Dalai Lama 
6944of Thibet; the Moogum of M'bwango; the temple of Apes in Ceylon; the 
6945Cow in India; the Crocodile, the Cat and the Onion of ancient Egypt; 
6946the Mufti of Moosh; the hair of the dog that bit Noah, etc.
6947
6948    All things are either sacred or profane.
6949    The former to ecclesiasts bring gain;
6950    The latter to the devil appertain.
6951                                                       Dumbo Omohundro
6952
6953SANDLOTTER, n.  A vertebrate mammal holding the political views of 
6954Denis Kearney, a notorious demagogue of San Francisco, whose audiences 
6955gathered in the open spaces (sandlots) of the town.  True to the 
6956traditions of his species, this leader of the proletariat was finally 
6957bought off by his law-and-order enemies, living prosperously silent 
6958and dying impenitently rich.  But before his treason he imposed upon 
6959California a constitution that was a confection of sin in a diction of 
6960solecisms.  The similarity between the words "sandlotter" and 
6961"sansculotte" is problematically significant, but indubitably 
6962suggestive.
6963
6964SAFETY-CLUTCH, n.  A mechanical device acting automatically to prevent 
6965the fall of an elevator, or cage, in case of an accident to the 
6966hoisting apparatus.
6967
6968    Once I seen a human ruin
6969        In an elevator-well,
6970    And his members was bestrewin'
6971        All the place where he had fell.
6972
6973    And I says, apostrophisin'
6974        That uncommon woful wreck:
6975    "Your position's so surprisin'
6976        That I tremble for your neck!"
6977
6978    Then that ruin, smilin' sadly
6979        And impressive, up and spoke:
6980    "Well, I wouldn't tremble badly,
6981        For it's been a fortnight broke."
6982
6983    Then, for further comprehension
6984        Of his attitude, he begs
6985    I will focus my attention
6986        On his various arms and legs --
6987
6988    How they all are contumacious;
6989        Where they each, respective, lie;
6990    How one trotter proves ungracious,
6991        T'other one an _alibi_.
6992
6993    These particulars is mentioned
6994        For to show his dismal state,
6995    Which I wasn't first intentioned
6996        To specifical relate.
6997
6998    None is worser to be dreaded
6999        That I ever have heard tell
7000    Than the gent's who there was spreaded
7001        In that elevator-well.
7002
7003    Now this tale is allegoric --
7004        It is figurative all,
7005    For the well is metaphoric
7006        And the feller didn't fall.
7007
7008    I opine it isn't moral
7009        For a writer-man to cheat,
7010    And despise to wear a laurel
7011        As was gotten by deceit.
7012
7013    For 'tis Politics intended
7014        By the elevator, mind,
7015    It will boost a person splendid
7016        If his talent is the kind.
7017
7018    Col. Bryan had the talent
7019        (For the busted man is him)
7020    And it shot him up right gallant
7021        Till his head begun to swim.
7022
7023    Then the rope it broke above him
7024        And he painful come to earth
7025    Where there's nobody to love him
7026        For his detrimented worth.
7027
7028    Though he's livin' none would know him,
7029        Or at leastwise not as such.
7030    Moral of this woful poem:
7031        Frequent oil your safety-clutch.
7032                                                           Porfer Poog
7033
7034SAINT, n.  A dead sinner revised and edited.
7035    The Duchess of Orleans relates that the irreverent old 
7036calumniator, Marshal Villeroi, who in his youth had known St. Francis 
7037de Sales, said, on hearing him called saint:  "I am delighted to hear 
7038that Monsieur de Sales is a saint.  He was fond of saying indelicate 
7039things, and used to cheat at cards.  In other respects he was a 
7040perfect gentleman, though a fool."
7041
7042SALACITY, n.  A certain literary quality frequently observed in 
7043popular novels, especially in those written by women and young girls, 
7044who give it another name and think that in introducing it they are 
7045occupying a neglected field of letters and reaping an overlooked 
7046harvest.  If they have the misfortune to live long enough they are 
7047tormented with a desire to burn their sheaves.
7048
7049SALAMANDER, n.  Originally a reptile inhabiting fire; later, an 
7050anthropomorphous immortal, but still a pyrophile.  Salamanders are now 
7051believed to be extinct, the last one of which we have an account 
7052having been seen in Carcassonne by the Abbe Belloc, who exorcised it 
7053with a bucket of holy water.
7054
7055SARCOPHAGUS, n.  Among the Greeks a coffin which being made of a 
7056certain kind of carnivorous stone, had the peculiar property of 
7057devouring the body placed in it.  The sarcophagus known to modern 
7058obsequiographers is commonly a product of the carpenter's art.
7059
7060SATAN, n.  One of the Creator's lamentable mistakes, repented in 
7061sashcloth and axes.  Being instated as an archangel, Satan made 
7062himself multifariously objectionable and was finally expelled from 
7063Heaven.  Halfway in his descent he paused, bent his head in thought a 
7064moment and at last went back.  "There is one favor that I should like 
7065to ask," said he.
7066    "Name it."
7067    "Man, I understand, is about to be created.  He will need laws."
7068    "What, wretch! you his appointed adversary, charged from the dawn 
7069of eternity with hatred of his soul -- you ask for the right to make 
7070his laws?"
7071    "Pardon; what I have to ask is that he be permitted to make them 
7072himself."
7073    It was so ordered.
7074
7075SATIETY, n.  The feeling that one has for the plate after he has eaten 
7076its contents, madam.
7077
7078SATIRE, n.  An obsolete kind of literary composition in which the 
7079vices and follies of the author's enemies were expounded with 
7080imperfect tenderness.  In this country satire never had more than a 
7081sickly and uncertain existence, for the soul of it is wit, wherein we 
7082are dolefully deficient, the humor that we mistake for it, like all 
7083humor, being tolerant and sympathetic.  Moreover, although Americans 
7084are "endowed by their Creator" with abundant vice and folly, it is not 
7085generally known that these are reprehensible qualities, wherefore the 
7086satirist is popularly regarded as a soul-spirited knave, and his ever 
7087victim's outcry for codefendants evokes a national assent.
7088
7089    Hail Satire! be thy praises ever sung
7090    In the dead language of a mummy's tongue,
7091    For thou thyself art dead, and damned as well --
7092    Thy spirit (usefully employed) in Hell.
7093    Had it been such as consecrates the Bible
7094    Thou hadst not perished by the law of libel.
7095                                                          Barney Stims
7096
7097SATYR, n.  One of the few characters of the Grecian mythology accorded 
7098recognition in the Hebrew.  (Leviticus, xvii, 7.)  The satyr was at 
7099first a member of the dissolute community acknowledging a loose 
7100allegiance with Dionysius, but underwent many transformations and 
7101improvements.  Not infrequently he is confounded with the faun, a 
7102later and decenter creation of the Romans, who was less like a man and 
7103more like a goat.
7104
7105SAUCE, n.  The one infallible sign of civilization and enlightenment.  
7106A people with no sauces has one thousand vices; a people with one 
7107sauce has only nine hundred and ninety-nine.  For every sauce invented 
7108and accepted a vice is renounced and forgiven.
7109
7110SAW, n.  A trite popular saying, or proverb.  (Figurative and 
7111colloquial.)  So called because it makes its way into a wooden head.  
7112Following are examples of old saws fitted with new teeth.
7113
7114        A penny saved is a penny to squander.
7115
7116        A man is known by the company that he organizes.
7117
7118        A bad workman quarrels with the man who calls him that.
7119
7120        A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring.
7121
7122        Better late than before anybody has invited you.
7123
7124        Example is better than following it.
7125
7126        Half a loaf is better than a whole one if there is much else.
7127
7128        Think twice before you speak to a friend in need.
7129
7130        What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to 
7131    do it.
7132
7133        Least said is soonest disavowed.
7134
7135        He laughs best who laughs least.
7136
7137        Speak of the Devil and he will hear about it.
7138
7139        Of two evils choose to be the least.
7140
7141        Strike while your employer has a big contract.
7142
7143        Where there's a will there's a won't.
7144
7145SCARABAEUS, n.  The sacred beetle of the ancient Egyptians, allied to 
7146our familiar "tumble-bug."  It was supposed to symbolize immortality, 
7147the fact that God knew why giving it its peculiar sanctity.  Its habit 
7148of incubating its eggs in a ball of ordure may also have commended it 
7149to the favor of the priesthood, and may some day assure it an equal 
7150reverence among ourselves.  True, the American beetle is an inferior 
7151beetle, but the American priest is an inferior priest.
7152
7153SCARABEE, n.  The same as scarabaeus.
7154
7155                He fell by his own hand
7156                    Beneath the great oak tree.
7157                He'd traveled in a foreign land.
7158                He tried to make her understand
7159                The dance that's called the Saraband,
7160                    But he called it Scarabee.
7161    He had called it so through an afternoon,
7162        And she, the light of his harem if so might be,
7163        Had smiled and said naught.  O the body was fair to see,
7164    All frosted there in the shine o' the moon --
7165                        Dead for a Scarabee
7166    And a recollection that came too late.
7167                            O Fate!
7168                    They buried him where he lay,
7169                    He sleeps awaiting the Day,
7170                            In state,
7171    And two Possible Puns, moon-eyed and wan,
7172    Gloom over the grave and then move on.
7173                        Dead for a Scarabee!
7174                                                       Fernando Tapple
7175
7176SCARIFICATION, n.  A form of penance practised by the mediaeval pious.  
7177The rite was performed, sometimes with a knife, sometimes with a hot 
7178iron, but always, says Arsenius Asceticus, acceptably if the penitent 
7179spared himself no pain nor harmless disfigurement.  Scarification, 
7180with other crude penances, has now been superseded by benefaction.  
7181The founding of a library or endowment of a university is said to 
7182yield to the penitent a sharper and more lasting pain than is 
7183conferred by the knife or iron, and is therefore a surer means of 
7184grace.  There are, however, two grave objections to it as a 
7185penitential method:  the good that it does and the taint of justice.
7186
7187SCEPTER, n.  A king's staff of office, the sign and symbol of his 
7188authority.  It was originally a mace with which the sovereign 
7189admonished his jester and vetoed ministerial measures by breaking the 
7190bones of their proponents.
7191
7192SCIMETAR, n.  A curved sword of exceeding keenness, in the conduct of 
7193which certain Orientals attain a surprising proficiency, as the 
7194incident here related will serve to show.  The account is translated 
7195from the Japanese by Shusi Itama, a famous writer of the thirteenth 
7196century.
7197
7198        When the great Gichi-Kuktai was Mikado he condemned to 
7199    decapitation Jijiji Ri, a high officer of the Court.  Soon after 
7200    the hour appointed for performance of the rite what was his 
7201    Majesty's surprise to see calmly approaching the throne the man 
7202    who should have been at that time ten minutes dead!
7203        "Seventeen hundred impossible dragons!" shouted the enraged 
7204    monarch.  "Did I not sentence you to stand in the market-place and 
7205    have your head struck off by the public executioner at three 
7206    o'clock?  And is it not now 3:10?"
7207        "Son of a thousand illustrious deities," answered the 
7208    condemned minister, "all that you say is so true that the truth is 
7209    a lie in comparison.  But your heavenly Majesty's sunny and 
7210    vitalizing wishes have been pestilently disregarded.  With joy I 
7211    ran and placed my unworthy body in the market-place.  The 
7212    executioner appeared with his bare scimetar, ostentatiously 
7213    whirled it in air, and then, tapping me lightly upon the neck, 
7214    strode away, pelted by the populace, with whom I was ever a 
7215    favorite.  I am come to pray for justice upon his own dishonorable 
7216    and treasonous head."
7217        "To what regiment of executioners does the black-boweled
7218    caitiff belong?" asked the Mikado.
7219        "To the gallant Ninety-eight Hundred and Thirty-seventh -- I 
7220    know the man.  His name is Sakko-Samshi."
7221        "Let him be brought before me," said the Mikado to an 
7222    attendant, and a half-hour later the culprit stood in the 
7223    Presence.
7224        "Thou bastard son of a three-legged hunchback without thumbs!" 
7225    roared the sovereign -- "why didst thou but lightly tap the neck 
7226    that it should have been thy pleasure to sever?"
7227        "Lord of Cranes of Cherry Blooms," replied the executioner, 
7228    unmoved, "command him to blow his nose with his fingers."
7229        Being commanded, Jijiji Ri laid hold of his nose and trumpeted 
7230    like an elephant, all expecting to see the severed head flung 
7231    violently from him.  Nothing occurred:  the performance prospered 
7232    peacefully to the close, without incident.
7233        All eyes were now turned on the executioner, who had grown as 
7234    white as the snows on the summit of Fujiama.  His legs trembled 
7235    and his breath came in gasps of terror.
7236        "Several kinds of spike-tailed brass lions!" he cried; "I am a 
7237    ruined and disgraced swordsman!  I struck the villain feebly 
7238    because in flourishing the scimetar I had accidentally passed it 
7239    through my own neck!  Father of the Moon, I resign my office."
7240        So saying, he gasped his top-knot, lifted off his head, and 
7241    advancing to the throne laid it humbly at the Mikado's feet.
7242
7243SCRAP-BOOK, n.  A book that is commonly edited by a fool.  Many 
7244persons of some small distinction compile scrap-books containing 
7245whatever they happen to read about themselves or employ others to 
7246collect.  One of these egotists was addressed in the lines following, 
7247by Agamemnon Melancthon Peters:
7248
7249    Dear Frank, that scrap-book where you boast
7250        You keep a record true
7251    Of every kind of peppered roast
7252            That's made of you;
7253
7254    Wherein you paste the printed gibes
7255        That revel round your name,
7256    Thinking the laughter of the scribes
7257            Attests your fame;
7258
7259    Where all the pictures you arrange
7260        That comic pencils trace --
7261    Your funny figure and your strange
7262            Semitic face --
7263
7264    Pray lend it me.  Wit I have not,
7265        Nor art, but there I'll list
7266    The daily drubbings you'd have got
7267            Had God a fist.
7268
7269SCRIBBLER, n.  A professional writer whose views are antagonistic to 
7270one's own.
7271
7272SCRIPTURES, n.  The sacred books of our holy religion, as 
7273distinguished from the false and profane writings on which all other 
7274faiths are based.
7275
7276SEAL, n.  A mark impressed upon certain kinds of documents to attest 
7277their authenticity and authority.  Sometimes it is stamped upon wax, 
7278and attached to the paper, sometimes into the paper itself.  Sealing, 
7279in this sense, is a survival of an ancient custom of inscribing 
7280important papers with cabalistic words or signs to give them a magical 
7281efficacy independent of the authority that they represent.  In the 
7282British museum are preserved many ancient papers, mostly of a 
7283sacerdotal character, validated by necromantic pentagrams and other 
7284devices, frequently initial letters of words to conjure with; and in 
7285many instances these are attached in the same way that seals are 
7286appended now.  As nearly every reasonless and apparently meaningless 
7287custom, rite or observance of modern times had origin in some remote 
7288utility, it is pleasing to note an example of ancient nonsense 
7289evolving in the process of ages into something really useful.  Our 
7290word "sincere" is derived from _sine cero_, without wax, but the 
7291learned are not in agreement as to whether this refers to the absence 
7292of the cabalistic signs, or to that of the wax with which letters were 
7293formerly closed from public scrutiny.  Either view of the matter will 
7294serve one in immediate need of an hypothesis.  The initials L.S., 
7295commonly appended to signatures of legal documents, mean _locum 
7296sigillis_, the place of the seal, although the seal is no longer used 
7297-- an admirable example of conservatism distinguishing Man from the 
7298beasts that perish.  The words _locum sigillis_ are humbly suggested 
7299as a suitable motto for the Pribyloff Islands whenever they shall take 
7300their place as a sovereign State of the American Union.
7301
7302SEINE, n.  A kind of net for effecting an involuntary change of 
7303environment.  For fish it is made strong and coarse, but women are 
7304more easily taken with a singularly delicate fabric weighted with 
7305small, cut stones.
7306
7307    The devil casting a seine of lace,
7308        (With precious stones 'twas weighted)
7309    Drew it into the landing place
7310        And its contents calculated.
7311
7312    All souls of women were in that sack --
7313        A draft miraculous, precious!
7314    But ere he could throw it across his back
7315        They'd all escaped through the meshes.
7316                                                      Baruch de Loppis
7317
7318SELF-ESTEEM, n.  An erroneous appraisement.
7319
7320SELF-EVIDENT, adj.  Evident to one's self and to nobody else.
7321
7322SELFISH, adj.  Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others.
7323
7324SENATE, n.  A body of elderly gentlemen charged with high duties and 
7325misdemeanors.
7326
7327SERIAL, n.  A literary work, usually a story that is not true, 
7328creeping through several issues of a newspaper or magazine.  
7329Frequently appended to each installment is a "synposis of preceding 
7330chapters" for those who have not read them, but a direr need is a 
7331synposis of succeeding chapters for those who do not intend to read 
7332_them_.  A synposis of the entire work would be still better.
7333    The late James F. Bowman was writing a serial tale for a weekly 
7334paper in collaboration with a genius whose name has not come down to 
7335us.  They wrote, not jointly but alternately, Bowman supplying the 
7336installment for one week, his friend for the next, and so on, world 
7337without end, they hoped.  Unfortunately they quarreled, and one Monday 
7338morning when Bowman read the paper to prepare himself for his task, he 
7339found his work cut out for him in a way to surprise and pain him.  His 
7340collaborator had embarked every character of the narrative on a ship 
7341and sunk them all in the deepest part of the Atlantic.
7342
7343SEVERALTY, n.  Separateness, as, lands in severalty, i.e., lands held 
7344individually, not in joint ownership.  Certain tribes of Indians are 
7345believed now to be sufficiently civilized to have in severalty the 
7346lands that they have hitherto held as tribal organizations, and could 
7347not sell to the Whites for waxen beads and potato whiskey.
7348
7349    Lo! the poor Indian whose unsuited mind
7350    Saw death before, hell and the grave behind;
7351    Whom thrifty settler ne'er besought to stay --
7352    His small belongings their appointed prey;
7353    Whom Dispossession, with alluring wile,
7354    Persuaded elsewhere every little while!
7355    His fire unquenched and his undying worm
7356    By "land in severalty" (charming term!)
7357    Are cooled and killed, respectively, at last,
7358    And he to his new holding anchored fast!
7359
7360SHERIFF, n.  In America the chief executive office of a country, whose 
7361most characteristic duties, in some of the Western and Southern 
7362States, are the catching and hanging of rogues.
7363
7364    John Elmer Pettibone Cajee
7365    (I write of him with little glee)
7366    Was just as bad as he could be.
7367
7368    'Twas frequently remarked:  "I swon!
7369    The sun has never looked upon
7370    So bad a man as Neighbor John."
7371
7372    A sinner through and through, he had
7373    This added fault:  it made him mad
7374    To know another man was bad.
7375
7376    In such a case he thought it right
7377    To rise at any hour of night
7378    And quench that wicked person's light.
7379
7380    Despite the town's entreaties, he
7381    Would hale him to the nearest tree
7382    And leave him swinging wide and free.
7383
7384    Or sometimes, if the humor came,
7385    A luckless wight's reluctant frame
7386    Was given to the cheerful flame.
7387
7388    While it was turning nice and brown,
7389    All unconcerned John met the frown
7390    Of that austere and righteous town.
7391
7392    "How sad," his neighbors said, "that he
7393    So scornful of the law should be --
7394    An anar c, h, i, s, t."
7395
7396    (That is the way that they preferred
7397    To utter the abhorrent word,
7398    So strong the aversion that it stirred.)
7399
7400    "Resolved," they said, continuing,
7401    "That Badman John must cease this thing
7402    Of having his unlawful fling.
7403
7404    "Now, by these sacred relics" -- here
7405    Each man had out a souvenir
7406    Got at a lynching yesteryear --
7407
7408    "By these we swear he shall forsake
7409    His ways, nor cause our hearts to ache
7410    By sins of rope and torch and stake.
7411
7412    "We'll tie his red right hand until
7413    He'll have small freedom to fulfil
7414    The mandates of his lawless will."
7415
7416    So, in convention then and there,
7417    They named him Sheriff.  The affair
7418    Was opened, it is said, with prayer.
7419                                                     J. Milton Sloluck
7420
7421SIREN, n.  One of several musical prodigies famous for a vain attempt 
7422to dissuade Odysseus from a life on the ocean wave.  Figuratively, any 
7423lady of splendid promise, dissembled purpose and disappointing 
7424performance.
7425
7426SLANG, n.  The grunt of the human hog (_Pignoramus intolerabilis_) 
7427with an audible memory.  The speech of one who utters with his tongue 
7428what he thinks with his ear, and feels the pride of a creator in 
7429accomplishing the feat of a parrot.  A means (under Providence) of 
7430setting up as a wit without a capital of sense.
7431
7432SMITHAREEN, n.  A fragment, a decomponent part, a remain.  The word is 
7433used variously, but in the following verse on a noted female reformer 
7434who opposed bicycle-riding by women because it "led them to the devil" 
7435it is seen at its best:
7436
7437    The wheels go round without a sound --
7438        The maidens hold high revel;
7439    In sinful mood, insanely gay,
7440    True spinsters spin adown the way
7441        From duty to the devil!
7442    They laugh, they sing, and -- ting-a-ling!
7443        Their bells go all the morning;
7444    Their lanterns bright bestar the night
7445        Pedestrians a-warning.
7446    With lifted hands Miss Charlotte stands,
7447        Good-Lording and O-mying,
7448    Her rheumatism forgotten quite,
7449        Her fat with anger frying.
7450    She blocks the path that leads to wrath,
7451        Jack Satan's power defying.
7452    The wheels go round without a sound
7453        The lights burn red and blue and green.
7454    What's this that's found upon the ground?
7455        Poor Charlotte Smith's a smithareen!
7456                                                     John William Yope
7457
7458SOPHISTRY, n.  The controversial method of an opponent, distinguished 
7459from one's own by superior insincerity and fooling.  This method is 
7460that of the later Sophists, a Grecian sect of philosophers who began 
7461by teaching wisdom, prudence, science, art and, in brief, whatever men 
7462ought to know, but lost themselves in a maze of quibbles and a fog of 
7463words.
7464
7465    His bad opponent's "facts" he sweeps away,
7466    And drags his sophistry to light of day;
7467    Then swears they're pushed to madness who resort
7468    To falsehood of so desperate a sort.
7469    Not so; like sods upon a dead man's breast,
7470    He lies most lightly who the least is pressed.
7471                                                        Polydore Smith
7472
7473SORCERY, n.  The ancient prototype and forerunner of political 
7474influence.  It was, however, deemed less respectable and sometimes was 
7475punished by torture and death.  Augustine Nicholas relates that a poor 
7476peasant who had been accused of sorcery was put to the torture to 
7477compel a confession.  After enduring a few gentle agonies the 
7478suffering simpleton admitted his guilt, but naively asked his 
7479tormentors if it were not possible to be a sorcerer without knowing 
7480it.
7481
7482SOUL, n.  A spiritual entity concerning which there hath been brave 
7483disputation.  Plato held that those souls which in a previous state of 
7484existence (antedating Athens) had obtained the clearest glimpses of 
7485eternal truth entered into the bodies of persons who became 
7486philosophers.  Plato himself was a philosopher.  The souls that had 
7487least contemplated divine truth animated the bodies of usurpers and 
7488despots.  Dionysius I, who had threatened to decapitate the broad- 
7489browed philosopher, was a usurper and a despot.  Plato, doubtless, was 
7490not the first to construct a system of philosophy that could be quoted 
7491against his enemies; certainly he was not the last.
7492    "Concerning the nature of the soul," saith the renowned author of 
7493_Diversiones Sanctorum_, "there hath been hardly more argument than 
7494that of its place in the body.  Mine own belief is that the soul hath 
7495her seat in the abdomen -- in which faith we may discern and interpret 
7496a truth hitherto unintelligible, namely that the glutton is of all men 
7497most devout.  He is said in the Scripture to 'make a god of his belly' 
7498-- why, then, should he not be pious, having ever his Deity with him 
7499to freshen his faith?  Who so well as he can know the might and 
7500majesty that he shrines?  Truly and soberly, the soul and the stomach 
7501are one Divine Entity; and such was the belief of Promasius, who 
7502nevertheless erred in denying it immortality.  He had observed that 
7503its visible and material substance failed and decayed with the rest of 
7504the body after death, but of its immaterial essence he knew nothing.  
7505This is what we call the Appetite, and it survives the wreck and reek 
7506of mortality, to be rewarded or punished in another world, according 
7507to what it hath demanded in the flesh.  The Appetite whose coarse 
7508clamoring was for the unwholesome viands of the general market and the 
7509public refectory shall be cast into eternal famine, whilst that which 
7510firmly through civilly insisted on ortolans, caviare, terrapin, 
7511anchovies, _pates de foie gras_ and all such Christian comestibles 
7512shall flesh its spiritual tooth in the souls of them forever and ever, 
7513and wreak its divine thirst upon the immortal parts of the rarest and 
7514richest wines ever quaffed here below.  Such is my religious faith, 
7515though I grieve to confess that neither His Holiness the Pope nor His 
7516Grace the Archbishop of Canterbury (whom I equally and profoundly 
7517revere) will assent to its dissemination."
7518
7519SPOOKER, n.  A writer whose imagination concerns itself with 
7520supernatural phenomena, especially in the doings of spooks.  One of 
7521the most illustrious spookers of our time is Mr. William D. Howells, 
7522who introduces a well-credentialed reader to as respectable and 
7523mannerly a company of spooks as one could wish to meet.  To the terror 
7524that invests the chairman of a district school board, the Howells 
7525ghost adds something of the mystery enveloping a farmer from another 
7526township.
7527
7528STORY, n.  A narrative, commonly untrue.  The truth of the stories 
7529here following has, however, not been successfully impeached.
7530
7531    One evening Mr. Rudolph Block, of New York, found himself seated 
7532at dinner alongside Mr. Percival Pollard, the distinguished critic.
7533    "Mr. Pollard," said he, "my book, _The Biography of a Dead Cow_, 
7534is published anonymously, but you can hardly be ignorant of its 
7535authorship.  Yet in reviewing it you speak of it as the work of the 
7536Idiot of the Century.  Do you think that fair criticism?"
7537    "I am very sorry, sir," replied the critic, amiably, "but it did 
7538not occur to me that you really might not wish the public to know who 
7539wrote it."
7540
7541    Mr. W.C. Morrow, who used to live in San Jose, California, was 
7542addicted to writing ghost stories which made the reader feel as if a 
7543stream of lizards, fresh from the ice, were streaking it up his back 
7544and hiding in his hair.  San Jose was at that time believed to be 
7545haunted by the visible spirit of a noted bandit named Vasquez, who had 
7546been hanged there.  The town was not very well lighted, and it is 
7547putting it mildly to say that San Jose was reluctant to be out o' 
7548nights.  One particularly dark night two gentlemen were abroad in the 
7549loneliest spot within the city limits, talking loudly to keep up their 
7550courage, when they came upon Mr. J.J. Owen, a well-known journalist.
7551    "Why, Owen," said one, "what brings you here on such a night as 
7552this?  You told me that this is one of Vasquez' favorite haunts!  And 
7553you are a believer.  Aren't you afraid to be out?"
7554    "My dear fellow," the journalist replied with a drear autumnal 
7555cadence in his speech, like the moan of a leaf-laden wind, "I am 
7556afraid to be in.  I have one of Will Morrow's stories in my pocket and 
7557I don't dare to go where there is light enough to read it."
7558
7559    Rear-Admiral Schley and Representative Charles F. Joy were 
7560standing near the Peace Monument, in Washington, discussing the 
7561question, Is success a failure?  Mr. Joy suddenly broke off in the 
7562middle of an eloquent sentence, exclaiming:  "Hello!  I've heard that 
7563band before.  Santlemann's, I think."
7564    "I don't hear any band," said Schley.
7565    "Come to think, I don't either," said Joy; "but I see General 
7566Miles coming down the avenue, and that pageant always affects me in 
7567the same way as a brass band.  One has to scrutinize one's impressions 
7568pretty closely, or one will mistake their origin."
7569    While the Admiral was digesting this hasty meal of philosophy 
7570General Miles passed in review, a spectacle of impressive dignity.  
7571When the tail of the seeming procession had passed and the two 
7572observers had recovered from the transient blindness caused by its 
7573effulgence --
7574    "He seems to be enjoying himself," said the Admiral.
7575    "There is nothing," assented Joy, thoughtfully, "that he enjoys 
7576one-half so well."
7577
7578    The illustrious statesman, Champ Clark, once lived about a mile 
7579from the village of Jebigue, in Missouri.  One day he rode into town 
7580on a favorite mule, and, hitching the beast on the sunny side of a 
7581street, in front of a saloon, he went inside in his character of 
7582teetotaler, to apprise the barkeeper that wine is a mocker.  It was a 
7583dreadfully hot day.  Pretty soon a neighbor came in and seeing Clark, 
7584said:
7585    "Champ, it is not right to leave that mule out there in the sun.  
7586He'll roast, sure! -- he was smoking as I passed him."
7587    "O, he's all right," said Clark, lightly; "he's an inveterate 
7588smoker."
7589    The neighbor took a lemonade, but shook his head and repeated that 
7590it was not right.
7591    He was a conspirator.  There had been a fire the night before:  a 
7592stable just around the corner had burned and a number of horses had 
7593put on their immortality, among them a young colt, which was roasted 
7594to a rich nut-brown.  Some of the boys had turned Mr. Clark's mule 
7595loose and substituted the mortal part of the colt.  Presently another 
7596man entered the saloon.
7597    "For mercy's sake!" he said, taking it with sugar, "do remove that 
7598mule, barkeeper:  it smells."
7599    "Yes," interposed Clark, "that animal has the best nose in 
7600Missouri.  But if he doesn't mind, you shouldn't."
7601    In the course of human events Mr. Clark went out, and there, 
7602apparently, lay the incinerated and shrunken remains of his charger. 
7603The boys idd not have any fun out of Mr. Clarke, who looked at the 
7604body and, with the non-committal expression to which he owes so much 
7605of his political preferment, went away.  But walking home late that 
7606night he saw his mule standing silent and solemn by the wayside in the 
7607misty moonlight.  Mentioning the name of Helen Blazes with uncommon 
7608emphasis, Mr. Clark took the back track as hard as ever he could hook 
7609it, and passed the night in town.
7610
7611    General H.H. Wotherspoon, president of the Army War College, has a 
7612pet rib-nosed baboon, an animal of uncommon intelligence but 
7613imperfectly beautiful.  Returning to his apartment one evening, the 
7614General was surprised and pained to find Adam (for so the creature is 
7615named, the general being a Darwinian) sitting up for him and wearing 
7616his master's best uniform coat, epaulettes and all.
7617    "You confounded remote ancestor!" thundered the great strategist, 
7618"what do you mean by being out of bed after naps? -- and with my coat 
7619on!"
7620    Adam rose and with a reproachful look got down on all fours in the 
7621manner of his kind and, scuffling across the room to a table, returned 
7622with a visiting-card:  General Barry had called and, judging by an 
7623empty champagne bottle and several cigar-stumps, had been hospitably 
7624entertained while waiting.  The general apologized to his faithful 
7625progenitor and retired.  The next day he met General Barry, who said:
7626    "Spoon, old man, when leaving you last evening I forgot to ask you 
7627about those excellent cigars.  Where did you get them?"
7628    General Wotherspoon did not deign to reply, but walked away.
7629    "Pardon me, please," said Barry, moving after him; "I was joking 
7630of course.  Why, I knew it was not you before I had been in the room 
7631fifteen minutes."
7632
7633SUCCESS, n.  The one unpardonable sin against one's fellows.  In 
7634literature, and particularly in poetry, the elements of success are 
7635exceedingly simple, and are admirably set forth in the following lines 
7636by the reverend Father Gassalasca Jape, entitled, for some mysterious 
7637reason, "John A. Joyce."
7638
7639    The bard who would prosper must carry a book,
7640        Do his thinking in prose and wear
7641    A crimson cravat, a far-away look
7642        And a head of hexameter hair.
7643    Be thin in your thought and your body'll be fat;
7644    If you wear your hair long you needn't your hat.
7645
7646SUFFRAGE, n.  Expression of opinion by means of a ballot.  The right 
7647of suffrage (which is held to be both a privilege and a duty) means, 
7648as commonly interpreted, the right to vote for the man of another 
7649man's choice, and is highly prized.  Refusal to do so has the bad name 
7650of "incivism."  The incivilian, however, cannot be properly arraigned
7651for his crime, for there is no legitimate accuser.  If the accuser is 
7652himself guilty he has no standing in the court of opinion; if not, he 
7653profits by the crime, for A's abstention from voting gives greater 
7654weight to the vote of B.  By female suffrage is meant the right of a 
7655woman to vote as some man tells her to.  It is based on female 
7656responsibility, which is somewhat limited.  The woman most eager to 
7657jump out of her petticoat to assert her rights is first to jump back 
7658into it when threatened with a switching for misusing them.
7659
7660SYCOPHANT, n.  One who approaches Greatness on his belly so that he 
7661may not be commanded to turn and be kicked.  He is sometimes an 
7662editor.
7663
7664    As the lean leech, its victim found, is pleased
7665    To fix itself upon a part diseased
7666    Till, its black hide distended with bad blood,
7667    It drops to die of surfeit in the mud,
7668    So the base sycophant with joy descries
7669    His neighbor's weak spot and his mouth applies,
7670    Gorges and prospers like the leech, although,
7671    Unlike that reptile, he will not let go.
7672    Gelasma, if it paid you to devote
7673    Your talent to the service of a goat,
7674    Showing by forceful logic that its beard
7675    Is more than Aaron's fit to be revered;
7676    If to the task of honoring its smell
7677    Profit had prompted you, and love as well,
7678    The world would benefit at last by you
7679    And wealthy malefactors weep anew --
7680    Your favor for a moment's space denied
7681    And to the nobler object turned aside.
7682    Is't not enough that thrifty millionaires
7683    Who loot in freight and spoliate in fares,
7684    Or, cursed with consciences that bid them fly
7685    To safer villainies of darker dye,
7686    Forswearing robbery and fain, instead,
7687    To steal (they call it "cornering") our bread
7688    May see you groveling their boots to lick
7689    And begging for the favor of a kick?
7690    Still must you follow to the bitter end
7691    Your sycophantic disposition's trend,
7692    And in your eagerness to please the rich
7693    Hunt hungry sinners to their final ditch?
7694    In Morgan's praise you smite the sounding wire,
7695    And sing hosannas to great Havemeyher!
7696    What's Satan done that him you should eschew?
7697    He too is reeking rich -- deducting _you_.
7698
7699SYLLOGISM, n.  A logical formula consisting of a major and a minor 
7700assumption and an inconsequent.  (See LOGIC.)
7701
7702SYLPH, n.  An immaterial but visible being that inhabited the air when 
7703the air was an element and before it was fatally polluted with factory 
7704smoke, sewer gas and similar products of civilization.  Sylphs were 
7705allied to gnomes, nymphs and salamanders, which dwelt, respectively, 
7706in earth, water and fire, all now insalubrious.  Sylphs, like fowls of 
7707the air, were male and female, to no purpose, apparently, for if they 
7708had progeny they must have nested in accessible places, none of the 
7709chicks having ever been seen.
7710
7711SYMBOL, n.  Something that is supposed to typify or stand for 
7712something else.  Many symbols are mere "survivals" -- things which 
7713having no longer any utility continue to exist because we have 
7714inherited the tendency to make them; as funereal urns carved on 
7715memorial monuments.  They were once real urns holding the ashes of the 
7716dead.  We cannot stop making them, but we can give them a name that 
7717conceals our helplessness.
7718
7719SYMBOLIC, adj.  Pertaining to symbols and the use and interpretation 
7720of symbols.
7721
7722    They say 'tis conscience feels compunction;
7723    I hold that that's the stomach's function,
7724    For of the sinner I have noted
7725    That when he's sinned he's somewhat bloated,
7726    Or ill some other ghastly fashion
7727    Within that bowel of compassion.
7728    True, I believe the only sinner
7729    Is he that eats a shabby dinner.
7730    You know how Adam with good reason,
7731    For eating apples out of season,
7732    Was "cursed."  But that is all symbolic:
7733    The truth is, Adam had the colic.
7734                                                                  G.J.
7735
7736
7737                                  T
7738
7739
7740T, the twentieth letter of the English alphabet, was by the Greeks 
7741absurdly called _tau_.  In the alphabet whence ours comes it had the 
7742form of the rude corkscrew of the period, and when it stood alone 
7743(which was more than the Phoenicians could always do) signified 
7744_Tallegal_, translated by the learned Dr. Brownrigg, "tanglefoot."
7745
7746TABLE D'HOTE, n.  A caterer's thrifty concession to the universal 
7747passion for irresponsibility.
7748
7749    Old Paunchinello, freshly wed,
7750        Took Madam P. to table,
7751    And there deliriously fed
7752        As fast as he was able.
7753
7754    "I dote upon good grub," he cried,
7755        Intent upon its throatage.
7756    "Ah, yes," said the neglected bride,
7757        "You're in your _table d'hotage_."
7758                                                      Associated Poets
7759
7760TAIL, n.  The part of an animal's spine that has transcended its 
7761natural limitations to set up an independent existence in a world of 
7762its own.  Excepting in its foetal state, Man is without a tail, a 
7763privation of which he attests an hereditary and uneasy consciousness 
7764by the coat-skirt of the male and the train of the female, and by a 
7765marked tendency to ornament that part of his attire where the tail 
7766should be, and indubitably once was.  This tendency is most observable 
7767in the female of the species, in whom the ancestral sense is strong 
7768and persistent.  The tailed men described by Lord Monboddo are now 
7769generally regarded as a product of an imagination unusually 
7770susceptible to influences generated in the golden age of our pithecan 
7771past.
7772
7773TAKE, v.t.  To acquire, frequently by force but preferably by stealth.
7774
7775TALK, v.t.  To commit an indiscretion without temptation, from an 
7776impulse without purpose.
7777
7778TARIFF, n.  A scale of taxes on imports, designed to protect the 
7779domestic producer against the greed of his consumer.
7780
7781    The Enemy of Human Souls
7782    Sat grieving at the cost of coals;
7783    For Hell had been annexed of late,
7784    And was a sovereign Southern State.
7785
7786    "It were no more than right," said he,
7787    "That I should get my fuel free.
7788    The duty, neither just nor wise,
7789    Compels me to economize --
7790    Whereby my broilers, every one,
7791    Are execrably underdone.
7792    What would they have? -- although I yearn
7793    To do them nicely to a turn,
7794    I can't afford an honest heat.
7795    This tariff makes even devils cheat!
7796    I'm ruined, and my humble trade
7797    All rascals may at will invade:
7798    Beneath my nose the public press
7799    Outdoes me in sulphureousness;
7800    The bar ingeniously applies
7801    To my undoing my own lies;
7802    My medicines the doctors use
7803    (Albeit vainly) to refuse
7804    To me my fair and rightful prey
7805    And keep their own in shape to pay;
7806    The preachers by example teach
7807    What, scorning to perform, I teach;
7808    And statesmen, aping me, all make
7809    More promises than they can break.
7810    Against such competition I
7811    Lift up a disregarded cry.
7812    Since all ignore my just complaint,
7813    By Hokey-Pokey!  I'll turn saint!"
7814    Now, the Republicans, who all
7815    Are saints, began at once to bawl
7816    Against _his_ competition; so
7817    There was a devil of a go!
7818    They locked horns with him, tete-a-tete
7819    In acrimonious debate,
7820    Till Democrats, forlorn and lone,
7821    Had hopes of coming by their own.
7822    That evil to avert, in haste
7823    The two belligerents embraced;
7824    But since 'twere wicked to relax
7825    A tittle of the Sacred Tax,
7826    'Twas finally agreed to grant
7827    The bold Insurgent-protestant
7828    A bounty on each soul that fell
7829    Into his ineffectual Hell.
7830                                                            Edam Smith
7831
7832TECHNICALITY, n.  In an English court a man named Home was tried for 
7833slander in having accused his neighbor of murder.  His exact words 
7834were:  "Sir Thomas Holt hath taken a cleaver and stricken his cook 
7835upon the head, so that one side of the head fell upon one shoulder and 
7836the other side upon the other shoulder."  The defendant was acquitted 
7837by instruction of the court, the learned judges holding that the words 
7838did not charge murder, for they did not affirm the death of the cook, 
7839that being only an inference.
7840
7841TEDIUM, n.  Ennui, the state or condition of one that is bored.  Many 
7842fanciful derivations of the word have been affirmed, but so high an 
7843authority as Father Jape says that it comes from a very obvious 
7844source -- the first words of the ancient Latin hymn _Te Deum 
7845Laudamus_.  In this apparently natural derivation there is something 
7846that saddens.
7847
7848TEETOTALER, n.  One who abstains from strong drink, sometimes totally, 
7849sometimes tolerably totally.
7850
7851TELEPHONE, n.  An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the 
7852advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance.
7853
7854TELESCOPE, n.  A device having a relation to the eye similar to that 
7855of the telephone to the ear, enabling distant objects to plague us 
7856with a multitude of needless details.  Luckily it is unprovided with a 
7857bell summoning us to the sacrifice.
7858
7859TENACITY, n.  A certain quality of the human hand in its relation to 
7860the coin of the realm.  It attains its highest development in the hand 
7861of authority and is considered a serviceable equipment for a career in 
7862politics.  The following illustrative lines were written of a 
7863Californian gentleman in high political preferment, who has passed to 
7864his accounting:
7865
7866    Of such tenacity his grip
7867    That nothing from his hand can slip.
7868    Well-buttered eels you may o'erwhelm
7869    In tubs of liquid slippery-elm
7870    In vain -- from his detaining pinch
7871    They cannot struggle half an inch!
7872    'Tis lucky that he so is planned
7873    That breath he draws not with his hand,
7874    For if he did, so great his greed
7875    He'd draw his last with eager speed.
7876    Nay, that were well, you say.  Not so
7877    He'd draw but never let it go!
7878
7879THEOSOPHY, n.  An ancient faith having all the certitude of religion 
7880and all the mystery of science.  The modern Theosophist holds, with 
7881the Buddhists, that we live an incalculable number of times on this 
7882earth, in as many several bodies, because one life is not long enough 
7883for our complete spiritual development; that is, a single lifetime 
7884does not suffice for us to become as wise and good as we choose to 
7885wish to become.  To be absolutely wise and good -- that is perfection; 
7886and the Theosophist is so keen-sighted as to have observed that 
7887everything desirous of improvement eventually attains perfection.  
7888Less competent observers are disposed to except cats, which seem 
7889neither wiser nor better than they were last year.  The greatest and 
7890fattest of recent Theosophists was the late Madame Blavatsky, who had 
7891no cat.
7892
7893TIGHTS, n.  An habiliment of the stage designed to reinforce the 
7894general acclamation of the press agent with a particular publicity.  
7895Public attention was once somewhat diverted from this garment to Miss 
7896Lillian Russell's refusal to wear it, and many were the conjectures as 
7897to her motive, the guess of Miss Pauline Hall showing a high order of 
7898ingenuity and sustained reflection.  It was Miss Hall's belief that 
7899nature had not endowed Miss Russell with beautiful legs.  This theory 
7900was impossible of acceptance by the male understanding, but the 
7901conception of a faulty female leg was of so prodigious originality as 
7902to rank among the most brilliant feats of philosophical speculation!  
7903It is strange that in all the controversy regarding Miss Russell's 
7904aversion to tights no one seems to have thought to ascribe it to what 
7905was known among the ancients as "modesty."  The nature of that 
7906sentiment is now imperfectly understood, and possibly incapable of 
7907exposition with the vocabulary that remains to us.  The study of lost 
7908arts has, however, been recently revived and some of the arts 
7909themselves recovered.  This is an epoch of _renaissances_, and there 
7910is ground for hope that the primitive "blush" may be dragged from its 
7911hiding-place amongst the tombs of antiquity and hissed on to the 
7912stage.
7913
7914TOMB, n.  The House of Indifference.  Tombs are now by common consent 
7915invested with a certain sanctity, but when they have been long 
7916tenanted it is considered no sin to break them open and rifle them, 
7917the famous Egyptologist, Dr. Huggyns, explaining that a tomb may be 
7918innocently "glened" as soon as its occupant is done "smellynge," the 
7919soul being then all exhaled.  This reasonable view is now generally 
7920accepted by archaeologists, whereby the noble science of Curiosity has 
7921been greatly dignified.
7922
7923TOPE, v.  To tipple, booze, swill, soak, guzzle, lush, bib, or swig.  
7924In the individual, toping is regarded with disesteem, but toping 
7925nations are in the forefront of civilization and power.  When pitted 
7926against the hard-drinking Christians the absemious Mahometans go down 
7927like grass before the scythe.  In India one hundred thousand beef- 
7928eating and brandy-and-soda guzzling Britons hold in subjection two 
7929hundred and fifty million vegetarian abstainers of the same Aryan 
7930race.  With what an easy grace the whisky-loving American pushed the 
7931temperate Spaniard out of his possessions!  From the time when the 
7932Berserkers ravaged all the coasts of western Europe and lay drunk in 
7933every conquered port it has been the same way:  everywhere the nations 
7934that drink too much are observed to fight rather well and not too 
7935righteously.  Wherefore the estimable old ladies who abolished the 
7936canteen from the American army may justly boast of having materially 
7937augmented the nation's military power.
7938
7939TORTOISE, n.  A creature thoughtfully created to supply occasion for 
7940the following lines by the illustrious Ambat Delaso:
7941
7942                          TO MY PET TORTOISE
7943
7944    My friend, you are not graceful -- not at all;
7945    Your gait's between a stagger and a sprawl.
7946
7947    Nor are you beautiful:  your head's a snake's
7948    To look at, and I do not doubt it aches.
7949
7950    As to your feet, they'd make an angel weep.
7951    'Tis true you take them in whene'er you sleep.
7952
7953    No, you're not pretty, but you have, I own,
7954    A certain firmness -- mostly you're [sic] backbone.
7955
7956    Firmness and strength (you have a giant's thews)
7957    Are virtues that the great know how to use --
7958
7959    I wish that they did not; yet, on the whole,
7960    You lack -- excuse my mentioning it -- Soul.
7961
7962    So, to be candid, unreserved and true,
7963    I'd rather you were I than I were you.
7964
7965    Perhaps, however, in a time to be,
7966    When Man's extinct, a better world may see
7967
7968    Your progeny in power and control,
7969    Due to the genesis and growth of Soul.
7970
7971    So I salute you as a reptile grand
7972    Predestined to regenerate the land.
7973
7974    Father of Possibilities, O deign
7975    To accept the homage of a dying reign!
7976
7977    In the far region of the unforeknown
7978    I dream a tortoise upon every throne.
7979
7980    I see an Emperor his head withdraw
7981    Into his carapace for fear of Law;
7982
7983    A King who carries something else than fat,
7984    Howe'er acceptably he carries that;
7985
7986    A President not strenuously bent
7987    On punishment of audible dissent --
7988
7989    Who never shot (it were a vain attack)
7990    An armed or unarmed tortoise in the back;
7991
7992    Subject and citizens that feel no need
7993    To make the March of Mind a wild stampede;
7994
7995    All progress slow, contemplative, sedate,
7996    And "Take your time" the word, in Church and State.
7997
7998    O Tortoise, 'tis a happy, happy dream,
7999    My glorious testudinous regime!
8000
8001    I wish in Eden you'd brought this about
8002    By slouching in and chasing Adam out.
8003
8004TREE, n.  A tall vegetable intended by nature to serve as a penal 
8005apparatus, though through a miscarriage of justice most trees bear 
8006only a negligible fruit, or none at all.  When naturally fruited, the 
8007tree is a beneficient agency of civilization and an important factor 
8008in public morals.  In the stern West and the sensitive South its fruit 
8009(white and black respectively) though not eaten, is agreeable to the 
8010public taste and, though not exported, profitable to the general 
8011welfare.  That the legitimate relation of the tree to justice was no 
8012discovery of Judge Lynch (who, indeed, conceded it no primacy over the 
8013lamp-post and the bridge-girder) is made plain by the following 
8014passage from Morryster, who antedated him by two centuries:
8015
8016        While in yt londe I was carried to see ye Ghogo tree, whereof 
8017    I had hearde moch talk; but sayynge yt I saw naught remarkabyll in 
8018    it, ye hed manne of ye villayge where it grewe made answer as 
8019    followeth:
8020        "Ye tree is not nowe in fruite, but in his seasonne you shall 
8021    see dependynge fr. his braunches all soch as have affroynted ye 
8022    King his Majesty."
8023        And I was furder tolde yt ye worde "Ghogo" sygnifyeth in yr 
8024    tong ye same as "rapscal" in our owne.
8025                                               _Trauvells in ye Easte_
8026
8027TRIAL, n.  A formal inquiry designed to prove and put upon record the 
8028blameless characters of judges, advocates and jurors.  In order to 
8029effect this purpose it is necessary to supply a contrast in the person 
8030of one who is called the defendant, the prisoner, or the accused.  If 
8031the contrast is made sufficiently clear this person is made to undergo 
8032such an affliction as will give the virtuous gentlemen a comfortable 
8033sense of their immunity, added to that of their worth.  In our day the 
8034accused is usually a human being, or a socialist, but in mediaeval 
8035times, animals, fishes, reptiles and insects were brought to trial.  A 
8036beast that had taken human life, or practiced sorcery, was duly 
8037arrested, tried and, if condemned, put to death by the public 
8038executioner.  Insects ravaging grain fields, orchards or vineyards 
8039were cited to appeal by counsel before a civil tribunal, and after 
8040testimony, argument and condemnation, if they continued _in 
8041contumaciam_ the matter was taken to a high ecclesiastical court, 
8042where they were solemnly excommunicated and anathematized.  In a 
8043street of Toledo, some pigs that had wickedly run between the 
8044viceroy's legs, upsetting him, were arrested on a warrant, tried and 
8045punished.  In Naples and ass was condemned to be burned at the stake, 
8046but the sentence appears not to have been executed.  D'Addosio relates 
8047from the court records many trials of pigs, bulls, horses, cocks, 
8048dogs, goats, etc., greatly, it is believed, to the betterment of their 
8049conduct and morals.  In 1451 a suit was brought against the leeches 
8050infesting some ponds about Berne, and the Bishop of Lausanne, 
8051instructed by the faculty of Heidelberg University, directed that some 
8052of "the aquatic worms" be brought before the local magistracy.  This 
8053was done and the leeches, both present and absent, were ordered to 
8054leave the places that they had infested within three days on pain of 
8055incurring "the malediction of God."  In the voluminous records of this 
8056_cause celebre_ nothing is found to show whether the offenders braved 
8057the punishment, or departed forthwith out of that inhospitable 
8058jurisdiction.
8059
8060TRICHINOSIS, n.  The pig's reply to proponents of porcophagy.
8061    Moses Mendlessohn having fallen ill sent for a Christian 
8062physician, who at once diagnosed the philosopher's disorder as 
8063trichinosis, but tactfully gave it another name.  "You need and 
8064immediate change of diet," he said; "you must eat six ounces of pork 
8065every other day."
8066    "Pork?" shrieked the patient -- "pork?  Nothing shall induce me to 
8067touch it!"
8068    "Do you mean that?" the doctor gravely asked.
8069    "I swear it!"
8070    "Good! -- then I will undertake to cure you."
8071
8072TRINITY, n.  In the multiplex theism of certain Christian churches, 
8073three entirely distinct deities consistent with only one.  Subordinate 
8074deities of the polytheistic faith, such as devils and angels, are not 
8075dowered with the power of combination, and must urge individually 
8076their clames to adoration and propitiation.  The Trinity is one of the 
8077most sublime mysteries of our holy religion.  In rejecting it because 
8078it is incomprehensible, Unitarians betray their inadequate sense of 
8079theological fundamentals.  In religion we believe only what we do not 
8080understand, except in the instance of an intelligible doctrine that 
8081contradicts an incomprehensible one.  In that case we believe the 
8082former as a part of the latter.
8083
8084TROGLODYTE, n.  Specifically, a cave-dweller of the paleolithic 
8085period, after the Tree and before the Flat.  A famous community of 
8086troglodytes dwelt with David in the Cave of Adullam.  The colony 
8087consisted of "every one that was in distress, and every one that was 
8088in debt, and every one that was discontented" -- in brief, all the 
8089Socialists of Judah.
8090
8091TRUCE, n.  Friendship.
8092
8093TRUTH, n.  An ingenious compound of desirability and appearance.  
8094Discovery of truth is the sole purpose of philosophy, which is the 
8095most ancient occupation of the human mind and has a fair prospect of 
8096existing with increasing activity to the end of time.
8097
8098TRUTHFUL, adj.  Dumb and illiterate.
8099
8100TRUST, n.  In American politics, a large corporation composed in 
8101greater part of thrifty working men, widows of small means, orphans in 
8102the care of guardians and the courts, with many similar malefactors 
8103and public enemies.
8104
8105TURKEY, n.  A large bird whose flesh when eaten on certain religious 
8106anniversaries has the peculiar property of attesting piety and 
8107gratitude.  Incidentally, it is pretty good eating.
8108
8109TWICE, adv.  Once too often.
8110
8111TYPE, n.  Pestilent bits of metal suspected of destroying 
8112civilization and enlightenment, despite their obvious agency in this 
8113incomparable dictionary.
8114
8115TZETZE (or TSETSE) FLY, n.  An African insect (_Glossina morsitans_) 
8116whose bite is commonly regarded as nature's most efficacious remedy 
8117for insomnia, though some patients prefer that of the American 
8118novelist (_Mendax interminabilis_).
8119
8120
8121                                  U
8122
8123
8124UBIQUITY, n.  The gift or power of being in all places at one time, 
8125but not in all places at all times, which is omnipresence, an 
8126attribute of God and the luminiferous ether only.  This important 
8127distinction between ubiquity and omnipresence was not clear to the 
8128mediaeval Church and there was much bloodshed about it.  Certain 
8129Lutherans, who affirmed the presence everywhere of Christ's body were 
8130known as Ubiquitarians.  For this error they were doubtless damned, 
8131for Christ's body is present only in the eucharist, though that 
8132sacrament may be performed in more than one place simultaneously.  In 
8133recent times ubiquity has not always been understood -- not even by 
8134Sir Boyle Roche, for example, who held that a man cannot be in two 
8135places at once unless he is a bird.
8136
8137UGLINESS, n.  A gift of the gods to certain women, entailing virtue 
8138without humility.
8139
8140ULTIMATUM, n.  In diplomacy, a last demand before resorting to 
8141concessions.
8142    Having received an ultimatum from Austria, the Turkish Ministry 
8143met to consider it.
8144    "O servant of the Prophet," said the Sheik of the Imperial Chibouk 
8145to the Mamoosh of the Invincible Army, "how many unconquerable 
8146soldiers have we in arms?"
8147    "Upholder of the Faith," that dignitary replied after examining 
8148his memoranda, "they are in numbers as the leaves of the forest!"
8149    "And how many impenetrable battleships strike terror to the hearts 
8150of all Christian swine?" he asked the Imaum of the Ever Victorious 
8151Navy.
8152    "Uncle of the Full Moon," was the reply, "deign to know that they 
8153are as the waves of the ocean, the sands of the desert and the stars 
8154of Heaven!"
8155    For eight hours the broad brow of the Sheik of the Imperial 
8156Chibouk was corrugated with evidences of deep thought:  he was 
8157calculating the chances of war.  Then, "Sons of angels," he said, "the 
8158die is cast!  I shall suggest to the Ulema of the Imperial Ear that he 
8159advise inaction.  In the name of Allah, the council is adjourned."
8160
8161UN-AMERICAN, adj.  Wicked, intolerable, heathenish.
8162
8163UNCTION, n.  An oiling, or greasing.  The rite of extreme unction 
8164consists in touching with oil consecrated by a bishop several parts of 
8165the body of one engaged in dying.  Marbury relates that after the rite 
8166had been administered to a certain wicked English nobleman it was 
8167discovered that the oil had not been properly consecrated and no other 
8168could be obtained.  When informed of this the sick man said in anger:  
8169"Then I'll be damned if I die!"
8170    "My son," said the priest, "this is what we fear."
8171
8172UNDERSTANDING, n.  A cerebral secretion that enables one having it to 
8173know a house from a horse by the roof on the house.  Its nature and 
8174laws have been exhaustively expounded by Locke, who rode a house, and 
8175Kant, who lived in a horse.
8176
8177    His understanding was so keen
8178    That all things which he'd felt, heard, seen,
8179    He could interpret without fail
8180    If he was in or out of jail.
8181    He wrote at Inspiration's call
8182    Deep disquisitions on them all,
8183    Then, pent at last in an asylum,
8184    Performed the service to compile 'em.
8185    So great a writer, all men swore,
8186    They never had not read before.
8187                                                       Jorrock Wormley
8188
8189UNITARIAN, n.  One who denies the divinity of a Trinitarian.
8190
8191UNIVERSALIST, n.  One who forgoes the advantage of a Hell for persons 
8192of another faith.
8193
8194URBANITY, n.  The kind of civility that urban observers ascribe to 
8195dwellers in all cities but New York.  Its commonest expression is 
8196heard in the words, "I beg your pardon," and it is not consistent with 
8197disregard of the rights of others.
8198
8199    The owner of a powder mill
8200    Was musing on a distant hill --
8201        Something his mind foreboded --
8202    When from the cloudless sky there fell
8203    A deviled human kidney!  Well,
8204        The man's mill had exploded.
8205    His hat he lifted from his head;
8206    "I beg your pardon, sir," he said;
8207        "I didn't know 'twas loaded."
8208                                                               Swatkin
8209
8210USAGE, n.  The First Person of the literary Trinity, the Second and 
8211Third being Custom and Conventionality.  Imbued with a decent 
8212reverence for this Holy Triad an industrious writer may hope to 
8213produce books that will live as long as the fashion.
8214
8215UXORIOUSNESS, n.  A perverted affection that has strayed to one's own 
8216wife.
8217
8218
8219                                  V
8220
8221
8222VALOR, n.  A soldierly compound of vanity, duty and the gambler's 
8223hope.
8224    "Why have you halted?" roared the commander of a division and 
8225Chickamauga, who had ordered a charge; "move forward, sir, at once."
8226    "General," said the commander of the delinquent brigade, "I am 
8227persuaded that any further display of valor by my troops will bring 
8228them into collision with the enemy."
8229
8230VANITY, n.  The tribute of a fool to the worth of the nearest ass.
8231
8232    They say that hens do cackle loudest when
8233        There's nothing vital in the eggs they've laid;
8234        And there are hens, professing to have made
8235    A study of mankind, who say that men
8236    Whose business 'tis to drive the tongue or pen
8237        Make the most clamorous fanfaronade
8238        O'er their most worthless work; and I'm afraid
8239    They're not entirely different from the hen.
8240    Lo! the drum-major in his coat of gold,
8241        His blazing breeches and high-towering cap --
8242    Imperiously pompous, grandly bold,
8243        Grim, resolute, an awe-inspiring chap!
8244    Who'd think this gorgeous creature's only virtue
8245    Is that in battle he will never hurt you?
8246                                                     Hannibal Hunsiker
8247
8248VIRTUES, n.pl.  Certain abstentions.
8249
8250VITUPERATION, n.  Saite, as understood by dunces and all such as 
8251suffer from an impediment in their wit.
8252
8253VOTE, n.  The instrument and symbol of a freeman's power to make a 
8254fool of himself and a wreck of his country.
8255
8256
8257                                  W
8258
8259
8260W (double U) has, of all the letters in our alphabet, the only 
8261cumbrous name, the names of the others being monosyllabic.  This 
8262advantage of the Roman alphabet over the Grecian is the more valued 
8263after audibly spelling out some simple Greek word, like 
8264_epixoriambikos_.  Still, it is now thought by the learned that other 
8265agencies than the difference of the two alphabets may have been 
8266concerned in the decline of "the glory that was Greece" and the rise 
8267of "the grandeur that was Rome."  There can be no doubt, however, that 
8268by simplifying the name of W (calling it "wow," for example) our 
8269civilization could be, if not promoted, at least better endured.
8270
8271WALL STREET, n.  A symbol for sin for every devil to rebuke.  That 
8272Wall Street is a den of thieves is a belief that serves every 
8273unsuccessful thief in place of a hope in Heaven.  Even the great and 
8274good Andrew Carnegie has made his profession of faith in the matter.
8275
8276    Carnegie the dauntless has uttered his call
8277    To battle:  "The brokers are parasites all!"
8278    Carnegie, Carnegie, you'll never prevail;
8279    Keep the wind of your slogan to belly your sail,
8280    Go back to your isle of perpetual brume,
8281    Silence your pibroch, doff tartan and plume:
8282    Ben Lomond is calling his son from the fray --
8283    Fly, fly from the region of Wall Street away!
8284    While still you're possessed of a single baubee
8285    (I wish it were pledged to endowment of me)
8286    'Twere wise to retreat from the wars of finance
8287    Lest its value decline ere your credit advance.
8288    For a man 'twixt a king of finance and the sea,
8289    Carnegie, Carnegie, your tongue is too free!
8290                                                         Anonymus Bink
8291
8292WAR, n.  A by-product of the arts of peace.  The most menacing 
8293political condition is a period of international amity.  The student 
8294of history who has not been taught to expect the unexpected may justly 
8295boast himself inaccessible to the light.  "In time of peace prepare 
8296for war" has a deeper meaning than is commonly discerned; it means, 
8297not merely that all things earthly have an end -- that change is the 
8298one immutable and eternal law -- but that the soil of peace is thickly 
8299sown with the seeds of war and singularly suited to their germination 
8300and growth.  It was when Kubla Khan had decreed his "stately pleasure 
8301dome" -- when, that is to say, there were peace and fat feasting in 
8302Xanadu -- that he
8303
8304                        heard from afar
8305    Ancestral voices prophesying war.
8306
8307    One of the greatest of poets, Coleridge was one of the wisest of 
8308men, and it was not for nothing that he read us this parable.  Let us 
8309have a little less of "hands across the sea," and a little more of 
8310that elemental distrust that is the security of nations.  War loves to 
8311come like a thief in the night; professions of eternal amity provide 
8312the night.
8313
8314WASHINGTONIAN, n.  A Potomac tribesman who exchanged the privilege of 
8315governing himself for the advantage of good government.  In justice to 
8316him it should be said that he did not want to.
8317
8318    They took away his vote and gave instead
8319    The right, when he had earned, to _eat_ his bread.
8320    In vain -- he clamors for his "boss," pour soul,
8321    To come again and part him from his roll.
8322                                                       Offenbach Stutz
8323
8324WEAKNESSES, n.pl.  Certain primal powers of Tyrant Woman wherewith she 
8325holds dominion over the male of her species, binding him to the 
8326service of her will and paralyzing his rebellious energies.
8327
8328WEATHER, n.  The climate of the hour.  A permanent topic of 
8329conversation among persons whom it does not interest, but who have 
8330inherited the tendency to chatter about it from naked arboreal 
8331ancestors whom it keenly concerned.  The setting up official weather 
8332bureaus and their maintenance in mendacity prove that even governments 
8333are accessible to suasion by the rude forefathers of the jungle.
8334
8335    Once I dipt into the future far as human eye could see,
8336    And I saw the Chief Forecaster, dead as any one can be --
8337    Dead and damned and shut in Hades as a liar from his birth,
8338    With a record of unreason seldom paralleled on earth.
8339    While I looked he reared him solemnly, that incadescent youth,
8340    From the coals that he'd preferred to the advantages of truth.
8341    He cast his eyes about him and above him; then he wrote
8342    On a slab of thin asbestos what I venture here to quote --
8343    For I read it in the rose-light of the everlasting glow:
8344    "Cloudy; variable winds, with local showers; cooler; snow."
8345                                                         Halcyon Jones
8346
8347WEDDING, n.  A ceremony at which two persons undertake to become one, 
8348one undertakes to become nothing, and nothing undertakes to become 
8349supportable.
8350
8351WEREWOLF, n.  A wolf that was once, or is sometimes, a man.  All 
8352werewolves are of evil disposition, having assumed a bestial form to 
8353gratify a beastial appetite, but some, transformed by sorcery, are as 
8354humane and is consistent with an acquired taste for human flesh.
8355    Some Bavarian peasants having caught a wolf one evening, tied it 
8356to a post by the tail and went to bed.  The next morning nothing was 
8357there!  Greatly perplexed, they consulted the local priest, who told 
8358them that their captive was undoubtedly a werewolf and had resumed its 
8359human for during the night.  "The next time that you take a wolf," the 
8360good man said, "see that you chain it by the leg, and in the morning 
8361you will find a Lutheran."
8362
8363WHANGDEPOOTENAWAH, n.  In the Ojibwa tongue, disaster; an unexpected 
8364affliction that strikes hard.
8365
8366    Should you ask me whence this laughter,
8367    Whence this audible big-smiling,
8368    With its labial extension,
8369    With its maxillar distortion
8370    And its diaphragmic rhythmus
8371    Like the billowing of an ocean,
8372    Like the shaking of a carpet,
8373    I should answer, I should tell you:
8374    From the great deeps of the spirit,
8375    From the unplummeted abysmus
8376    Of the soul this laughter welleth
8377    As the fountain, the gug-guggle,
8378    Like the river from the canon [sic],
8379    To entoken and give warning
8380    That my present mood is sunny.
8381    Should you ask me further question --
8382    Why the great deeps of the spirit,
8383    Why the unplummeted abysmus
8384    Of the soule extrudes this laughter,
8385    This all audible big-smiling,
8386    I should answer, I should tell you
8387    With a white heart, tumpitumpy,
8388    With a true tongue, honest Injun:
8389    William Bryan, he has Caught It,
8390    Caught the Whangdepootenawah!
8391
8392    Is't the sandhill crane, the shankank,
8393    Standing in the marsh, the kneedeep,
8394    Standing silent in the kneedeep
8395    With his wing-tips crossed behind him
8396    And his neck close-reefed before him,
8397    With his bill, his william, buried
8398    In the down upon his bosom,
8399    With his head retracted inly,
8400    While his shoulders overlook it?
8401    Does the sandhill crane, the shankank,
8402    Shiver grayly in the north wind,
8403    Wishing he had died when little,
8404    As the sparrow, the chipchip, does?
8405    No 'tis not the Shankank standing,
8406    Standing in the gray and dismal
8407    Marsh, the gray and dismal kneedeep.
8408    No, 'tis peerless William Bryan
8409    Realizing that he's Caught It,
8410    Caught the Whangdepootenawah!
8411
8412WHEAT, n.  A cereal from which a tolerably good whisky can with some 
8413difficulty be made, and which is used also for bread.  The French are 
8414said to eat more bread _per capita_ of population than any other 
8415people, which is natural, for only they know how to make the stuff 
8416palatable.
8417
8418WHITE, adj. and n.  Black.
8419
8420WIDOW, n.  A pathetic figure that the Christian world has agreed to 
8421take humorously, although Christ's tenderness towards widows was one 
8422of the most marked features of his character.
8423
8424WINE, n.  Fermented grape-juice known to the Women's Christian Union 
8425as "liquor," sometimes as "rum."  Wine, madam, is God's next best gift 
8426to man.
8427
8428WIT, n.  The salt with which the American humorist spoils his 
8429intellectual cookery by leaving it out.
8430
8431WITCH, n.  (1)  Any ugly and repulsive old woman, in a wicked league 
8432with the devil.  (2)  A beautiful and attractive young woman, in 
8433wickedness a league beyond the devil.
8434
8435WITTICISM, n.  A sharp and clever remark, usually quoted, and seldom 
8436noted; what the Philistine is pleased to call a "joke."
8437
8438WOMAN, n.
8439
8440        An animal usually living in the vicinity of Man, and having a 
8441    rudimentary susceptibility to domestication.  It is credited by 
8442    many of the elder zoologists with a certain vestigial docility 
8443    acquired in a former state of seclusion, but naturalists of the 
8444    postsusananthony period, having no knowledge of the seclusion, 
8445    deny the virtue and declare that such as creation's dawn beheld, 
8446    it roareth now.  The species is the most widely distributed of all 
8447    beasts of prey, infesting all habitable parts of the globe, from 
8448    Greeland's spicy mountains to India's moral strand.  The popular 
8449    name (wolfman) is incorrect, for the creature is of the cat kind.  
8450    The woman is lithe and graceful in its movement, especially the 
8451    American variety (_felis pugnans_), is omnivorous and can be 
8452    taught not to talk.
8453                                                       Balthasar Pober
8454
8455WORMS'-MEAT, n.  The finished product of which we are the raw 
8456material.  The contents of the Taj Mahal, the Tombeau Napoleon and the 
8457Granitarium.  Worms'-meat is usually outlasted by the structure that 
8458houses it, but "this too must pass away."  Probably the silliest work 
8459in which a human being can engage is construction of a tomb for 
8460himself.  The solemn purpose cannot dignify, but only accentuates by 
8461contrast the foreknown futility.
8462
8463    Ambitious fool! so mad to be a show!
8464    How profitless the labor you bestow
8465        Upon a dwelling whose magnificence
8466    The tenant neither can admire nor know.
8467
8468    Build deep, build high, build massive as you can,
8469    The wanton grass-roots will defeat the plan
8470        By shouldering asunder all the stones
8471    In what to you would be a moment's span.
8472
8473    Time to the dead so all unreckoned flies
8474    That when your marble is all dust, arise,
8475        If wakened, stretch your limbs and yawn --
8476    You'll think you scarcely can have closed your eyes.
8477
8478    What though of all man's works your tomb alone
8479    Should stand till Time himself be overthrown?
8480        Would it advantage you to dwell therein
8481    Forever as a stain upon a stone?
8482                                                             Joel Huck
8483
8484WORSHIP, n.  Homo Creator's testimony to the sound construction and 
8485fine finish of Deus Creatus.  A popular form of abjection, having an 
8486element of pride.
8487
8488WRATH, n.  Anger of a superior quality and degree, appropriate to 
8489exalted characters and momentous occasions; as, "the wrath of God," 
8490"the day of wrath," etc.  Amongst the ancients the wrath of kings was 
8491deemed sacred, for it could usually command the agency of some god for 
8492its fit manifestation, as could also that of a priest.  The Greeks 
8493before Troy were so harried by Apollo that they jumped out of the 
8494frying-pan of the wrath of Cryses into the fire of the wrath of 
8495Achilles, though Agamemnon, the sole offender, was neither fried nor 
8496roasted.  A similar noted immunity was that of David when he incurred 
8497the wrath of Yahveh by numbering his people, seventy thousand of whom 
8498paid the penalty with their lives.  God is now Love, and a director of 
8499the census performs his work without apprehension of disaster.
8500
8501
8502                                  X
8503
8504
8505X in our alphabet being a needless letter has an added invincibility 
8506to the attacks of the spelling reformers, and like them, will 
8507doubtless last as long as the language.  X is the sacred symbol of ten 
8508dollars, and in such words as Xmas, Xn, etc., stands for Christ, not, 
8509as is popular supposed, because it represents a cross, but because the 
8510corresponding letter in the Greek alphabet is the initial of his name 
8511-- _Xristos_.  If it represented a cross it would stand for St. 
8512Andrew, who "testified" upon one of that shape.  In the algebra of 
8513psychology x stands for Woman's mind.  Words beginning with X are 
8514Grecian and will not be defined in this standard English dictionary.
8515
8516
8517                                  Y
8518
8519
8520YANKEE, n.  In Europe, an American.  In the Northern States of our 
8521Union, a New Englander.  In the Southern States the word is unknown.  
8522(See DAMNYANK.)
8523
8524YEAR, n.  A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.
8525
8526YESTERDAY, n.  The infancy of youth, the youth of manhood, the entire 
8527past of age.
8528
8529    But yesterday I should have thought me blest
8530        To stand high-pinnacled upon the peak
8531        Of middle life and look adown the bleak
8532    And unfamiliar foreslope to the West,
8533    Where solemn shadows all the land invest
8534        And stilly voices, half-remembered, speak
8535        Unfinished prophecy, and witch-fires freak
8536    The haunted twilight of the Dark of Rest.
8537    Yea, yesterday my soul was all aflame
8538        To stay the shadow on the dial's face
8539    At manhood's noonmark!  Now, in God His name
8540        I chide aloud the little interspace
8541    Disparting me from Certitude, and fain
8542    Would know the dream and vision ne'er again.
8543                                                      Baruch Arnegriff
8544
8545    It is said that in his last illness the poet Arnegriff was 
8546attended at different times by seven doctors.
8547
8548YOKE, n.  An implement, madam, to whose Latin name, _jugum_, we owe 
8549one of the most illuminating words in our language -- a word that 
8550defines the matrimonial situation with precision, point and poignancy.  
8551A thousand apologies for withholding it.
8552
8553YOUTH, n.  The Period of Possibility, when Archimedes finds a fulcrum, 
8554Cassandra has a following and seven cities compete for the honor of 
8555endowing a living Homer.
8556
8557        Youth is the true Saturnian Reign, the Golden Age on earth 
8558    again, when figs are grown on thistles, and pigs betailed with 
8559    whistles and, wearing silken bristles, live ever in clover, and 
8560    clows fly over, delivering milk at every door, and Justice never 
8561    is heard to snore, and every assassin is made a ghost and, 
8562    howling, is cast into Baltimost!
8563                                                        Polydore Smith
8564
8565
8566                                  Z
8567
8568
8569ZANY, n.  A popular character in old Italian plays, who imitated with 
8570ludicrous incompetence the _buffone_, or clown, and was therefore the 
8571ape of an ape; for the clown himself imitated the serious characters 
8572of the play.  The zany was progenitor to the specialist in humor, as 
8573we to-day have the unhappiness to know him.  In the zany we see an 
8574example of creation; in the humorist, of transmission.  Another 
8575excellent specimen of the modern zany is the curate, who apes the 
8576rector, who apes the bishop, who apes the archbishop, who apes the 
8577devil.
8578
8579ZANZIBARI, n.  An inhabitant of the Sultanate of Zanzibar, off the 
8580eastern coast of Africa.  The Zanzibaris, a warlike people, are best 
8581known in this country through a threatening diplomatic incident that 
8582occurred a few years ago.  The American consul at the capital occupied 
8583a dwelling that faced the sea, with a sandy beach between.  Greatly to 
8584the scandal of this official's family, and against repeated 
8585remonstrances of the official himself, the people of the city 
8586persisted in using the beach for bathing.  One day a woman came down 
8587to the edge of the water and was stooping to remove her attire (a pair 
8588of sandals) when the consul, incensed beyond restraint, fired a charge 
8589of bird-shot into the most conspicuous part of her person.  
8590Unfortunately for the existing _entente cordiale_ between two great 
8591nations, she was the Sultana.
8592
8593ZEAL, n.  A certain nervous disorder afflicting the young and 
8594inexperienced.  A passion that goeth before a sprawl.
8595
8596    When Zeal sought Gratitude for his reward
8597    He went away exclaiming:  "O my Lord!"
8598    "What do you want?" the Lord asked, bending down.
8599    "An ointment for my cracked and bleeding crown."
8600                                                            Jum Coople
8601
8602ZENITH, n.  The point in the heavens directly overhead to a man 
8603standing or a growing cabbage.  A man in bed or a cabbage in the pot 
8604is not considered as having a zenith, though from this view of the 
8605matter there was once a considerably dissent among the learned, some 
8606holding that the posture of the body was immaterial.  These were 
8607called Horizontalists, their opponents, Verticalists.  The 
8608Horizontalist heresy was finally extinguished by Xanobus, the 
8609philosopher-king of Abara, a zealous Verticalist.  Entering an 
8610assembly of philosophers who were debating the matter, he cast a 
8611severed human head at the feet of his opponents and asked them to 
8612determine its zenith, explaining that its body was hanging by the 
8613heels outside.  Observing that it was the head of their leader, the 
8614Horizontalists hastened to profess themselves converted to whatever 
8615opinion the Crown might be pleased to hold, and Horizontalism took its 
8616place among _fides defuncti_.
8617
8618ZEUS, n.  The chief of Grecian gods, adored by the Romans as Jupiter 
8619and by the modern Americans as God, Gold, Mob and Dog.  Some explorers 
8620who have touched upon the shores of America, and one who professes to 
8621have penetrated a considerable distance to the interior, have thought 
8622that these four names stand for as many distinct deities, but in his 
8623monumental work on Surviving Faiths, Frumpp insists that the natives 
8624are monotheists, each having no other god than himself, whom he 
8625worships under many sacred names.
8626
8627ZIGZAG, v.t.  To move forward uncertainly, from side to side, as one 
8628carrying the white man's burden.  (From _zed_, _z_, and _jag_, an 
8629Icelandic word of unknown meaning.)
8630
8631    He zedjagged so uncomen wyde
8632    Thet non coude pas on eyder syde;
8633    So, to com saufly thruh, I been
8634    Constreynet for to doodge betwene.
8635                                                               Munwele
8636
8637ZOOLOGY, n.  The science and history of the animal kingdom, including 
8638its king, the House Fly (_Musca maledicta_).  The father of Zoology 
8639was Aristotle, as is universally conceded, but the name of its mother 
8640has not come down to us.  Two of the science's most illustrious 
8641expounders were Buffon and Oliver Goldsmith, from both of whom we 
8642learn (_L'Histoire generale des animaux_ and _A History of Animated 
8643Nature_) that the domestic cow sheds its horn every two years.
8644
8645
8646
8647                                 -)(-
8648