T58ViUzM

1I love a good one liner, and these jokes have puns a plenty. Some of them are so bad, they are hilarious - but they're guaranteed to give you some laughs!
2I recently got crushed by a pile of books, but I suppose I've only got my shelf to blame.
3A man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation for a local swimming pool. So I gave him a glass of water.
4I went to a really emotional wedding the other day. Even the cake was in tiers.
5I had to quit my job at the shoe recycling factory. It was just sole destroying.
6I was getting in to my car the other day and a man said 'can you give me a lift?' I said 'sure, you look great, chase your dreams, go for it!'
7I've decided to sell my vacuum. Well, it was just gathering dust! 
8What's the best time to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurtie!
9The problem with premature ejaculation is it usually comes out of nowhere.
10Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.
11My wife and I have been happy for 20 years. But then we met.
12Why didn't the lifeguard save the hippie? Because he was too far out, man.
13I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!
14I was overcharged for velcro last week. What a rip off!
15I think I'm emotionally constipated. I just can't seem to give a sh*t
16I've been reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.
17A train stops at a train station. A bus stops at a bus station. Now why is my desk called a 'work station'?
18How do prisoners call each other? On their cell phones!
19The thing about dwarfs and midgets is that they have very little in common.
20Have you heard about the magic tractor? It turned into a field!
21To the guy who invented zero: Thanks for nothing!
22I hate Russian Dolls. They're so full of themselves.
23I used to be a banker, but over time I lost interest.
24I was thinking about getting a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
25I can't understand why people are so bothered about me not knowing what the word 'apocalypse' means. It's not like it's the end of the world!
26Why can't a bike stand on its own? It's two-tired!
27Did you hear about the man who lost his entire left side in an accident? He's all right now.
28If I could only take one thing to a desert island, I probably wouldn't bother going.
29I couldn't work out how to fasten my seat belt for ages. But then one day, it just clicked.
30My first job was at a calendar factory. I can't believe they sacked me, all I did was take a day off!
31I was going to tell my pizza joke but I think it's a bit too cheesy.
32Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don’t have eyes.
33A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
34How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
35Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
36As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools.
37What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, they just waved.
38A day without sunshine is like, night.
39Born free, taxed to death.
40For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened.
41A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
42What is faster Hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold.
43What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
44Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
45Because those men already have boyfriends.
46What’s the difference between a paycheck and a pen*s? You don’t have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck.
47Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
48Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door? He wanted to win the No-bell prize!
49Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.
50When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
51I say no to alcohol, it just doesn’t listen.
52If you can’t convince them, confuse them.
53Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.
54Why did the bee get married? Because he found his honey.
55What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back? A stick.
56Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
57My birth certificate was a letter of apology that my dad got from the condom company…
58Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.
59Lottery: a tax on people who are bad at math.
60If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
61Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.
62I just let my mind wander, and it didn’t come back.
63IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you have got.
64I can handle pain until it hurts.
65Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
66A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.
67You cannot taste me, until you undress me. -Banana
68You cannot eat me unless you lick me. -Ice-cream
69You cannot play with me unless you blow me. -Balloon
70You cannot eat me unless you spread me. -Butter
71Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
72A day without smiling is a day wasted.
73Sometimes we expect more from others because we would be willing to do that much more for them.
74When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
75So Grandad walked into the room with his tackle out, smothered in boot polish,
76bless him, he mis-heard when we told him to turn his clock back.
77A plateau is the highest form of flattery.
78Some just told me to stop acting like a flamingo,
79so I had to put my foot down.
80The writer of 'The Hokey Cokey' song has died, it was a struggle getting him in the coffin, they put his left leg in, then the trouble started.
81My friend has opened up an ice rink charging just 10p a go, what a cheap skate.
82What do you call an alligator with GPS? A navigator.
83What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.
84A Chinese man faked his own death, but his family were suspicious, they didn't bereave him.
85To that bloke in a wheelchair who nicked my camouflage jacket, you can hide, but you can't run!
86I haven't talked to my girlfriend for days now, I don't like to interrupt her.
87The man that invented throat lozenges died last week, there was no coffin at the funeral.
88I've discovered I have a logic fetish, I can't stop coming to conclusions.
89Arriving at work today a clown opened the door for me, I thought, that's a nice jester.
90What's the difference between Bill Cosby and a Rap artist?, the 'art'
91Our daughter took a degree in ballet, and got a 2:2
92What's the difference between a kangaroo & a kangaroot? 
93One is a kangaroo & the other is a Geordie stuck in a lift. 
94
95.
96
97A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage, 
98"no thanks, I'm travelling light."
99
100.
101
102Personal ads:- 'Alcoholic man seeks similar woman for a drink or two, maybe more'. 
103.
104
105Outside the toilet at an Emo party last night, 
106there were about 20 of 'em queuing up for a slash. 
107
108. 
109
110
111If it's the case that girls tend to marry men like their fathers, 
112you can see why their mothers cry at the weddings. 
113
114.
115
116I've just deleted all the German names off of my phone, 
117 now it's Hans free.
118
119
120.
121
122What's red and bad for your teeth?
123A brick.
124
125.
126
127I still remember what my grandpa said before he kicked the bucket,
128
129
130it was,
131
132
133“how far do you think I can kick this bucket?
134
135.
136
137Breaking news:- Chris Eubanks has just written a book about ethics, 
138if it's a success his next one will be about Kent.
139.
140
141I was trying to play FIFA on the computer,
142but it wouldn't load, & just kept saying, "Fifa is corrupt, Fifa is corrupt" !!
143. 
144
145BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, 
146all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
147
148.
149Our neighbourhood has a tiny ghost that helps out during hard times,
150it's good to have a little community spirit.
151
152.
153
154Last night I bought an alcoholic ginger beer,
155he wasn't happy about it.
156
157.
158
159I tried to start up a chicken dating agency but failed,
160it was a struggle to make hens meet.
161
162.
163
164I could barely lift my bottle of water earlier,
165
166it was an Evian.
167
168
169
170.
171
172At Wimbledon:- 
173Lesbian tennis player gives her opponent a good licking.
174.
175
176Someone's having a BBQ 1760 yards away, 
177you can smell it a mile off.
178.
179
180Just dropped my new phone in the jacuzzi,
181I think it's syncing.
182.
183
184I walked into a Baker's and asked, "Is that a doughnut or a meringue?,
185 "No, you're right, its a Doughnut.", he said.
186.
187
188Jousting, 
189what Brummies ask bees.
190
191.
192
193On Election day, I'll take my voting slip for a candle lit dinner, champagne and truffles,
194I'm gonna spoil my ballot.
195
196.
197
198I've invented a new flavour of crisps, 
199if they're successful I'll make a packet.
200
201.
202
203
204They say mums have eyes in the back of their heads,
205
206
207well one woman really did, but had an op to put them where they belong,
208
209
210hasn't looked back since.
211.
212
213
214
215
216Some Geordie told me he was really good at flirting,
217so I threw him in the swimming pool, 
218but he sank.
219.
220
221I just fell through the roof of a French bakery,
222I'm in a world of pain.
223.
224
225My cockney mate is doing really well in the over-sized trouser business, 
226he's making huge strides.
227
228.
229
230News:- A coach containing session musicians has overturned on the motorway, 
231drivers may expect lengthy jams.
232
233.
234
235I've just put my friend Richard on speed dial on the phone, 
236it's my Get-Rich-Quick scheme.
237
238.
239
240I met Phil Spector's brother, Crispin, the other day,
241he's head of quality control at Walkers.
242
243.
244
245An old couple are at church, when the wife leans across to her husband and whispers,
246
247
248 "I've just let out a silent fart, what should I do?", to which he replies, "change the battery in your hearing aid".
249
250.
251
252A man has died after falling in a vat of coffee,
253it was instant.
254.
255
256Our Grandad got his tongue shot off in the First World War,
257but he doesn't talk about it.
258.
259
260I told my boss I come out in a rash every time I get my wages,
261he asked why, 
262"because I'm allergic to peanuts".
263.
264
265My Doc asked if I drank to excess,
266I said I'd drink to anything.
267
268.
269
270My girlfriend asked me to buy something that makes her look sexy again,
271so I got a crate of lager in.
272.
273
274I struggled to pick up a bottle of water earlier,
275it was an Evian.
276.
277
278So what if I can't spell 'armaggedon'?,
279it's not like it's the end of the world.
280.
281
282Why did the scarecrow get promotion?
283Because he was outstanding in his field.
284
285.
286
287An old man at confession-
288"Father, today I had sex with 18-year-old twins. Oy vey"
289Priest: "You're clearly Jewish so why are you telling me?
290Old man: "I'm telling everybody."
291
292.
293
294Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl urinate?,
295because its “P” is silent.
296.
297
298 A man goes to the doctor with a carrot up his nose, and a parsnip in his ear, 
299the doc said, “clearly you’re not eating properly.”
300.
301
302Why did Sally fall off the swing?  She had no arms.
303.
304"Knock knock",- "Who’s there?"-  "Not Sally". 
305.
306
307My friend was a victim of his own success, 
308his trophy cabinet fell on him.
309.
310
311Alphabet Spaghetti warning:-
312'May contain N, U, T and S'.
313.
314
315
316
317
318      So Grandad walks into the room with his tackle out, smothered in boot polish,
319
320
321bless him, he misheard when we told him to turn his clock back.  
322
323.
324
325A suspect was charged with killing a man with sandpaper, in defence he said, 
326" I only meant to rough him up a bit".
327
328.
329
330 I don't mind people telling me they're gay,
331
332I just don't want them ramming it down my throat
333
334.
335
336Did you hear about the lonely pyromaniac?, 
337he's still looking for the perfect match. 
338.
339Why didn’t the lifeguard save the hippie?,
340cos he was so far out man!
341.
342Did you hear about the mad Mexican train murderer?
343 He had locomotives.
344.
345A blind man walks into a bar,
346and a table, then a chair.
347.
348As this magician was walking down the high street,
349he turned into a chemist shop.
350
351.
352
353My mate went to a hardcore Star Trek fan convention dressed as Chewbacca, 
354it was a wookie mistake 
355.
356
357
358A mate of mine is always telling me it's better to give than receive, 
359a lesson he learned in prison. 
360
361
362I got an e-mail saying, 'At Google Earth we can read maps backwards!', 
363I thought, "that's just spam." 
364.
365
366
367
368My mate's a safety officer in a kids playground, 
369his careers on the slide. 
370
371.
372
373Working on the Mother in laws grave today, 
374she thinks it's a pond I'm digging. 
375
376
377
378They call the portions at our local Indian restaurant 'Fernando Torres's', 
379you won't finish what's on a plate 
380
381.
382
383If the panda dies out, should WWF spend loads of money on designing a new logo,
384or just turn the panda on its back? 
385
386.
387I'm glad I'm not bisexual,
388I couldn't stand being rejected by men as well as women. 
389
390.
391A man was arrested for stealing helium balloons,
392police held him for a while then let him go.
393
394
395
396.
397
398A man was in court for stealing a bag, took just 3 minutes to get sentenced,
399it was a briefcase 
400
401
402.
403
404The tiles, A,E,I,O,and U were discovered in a dead scrabble players stomach,
405vowel play is supected.
406
407.
408I was in a restaurant when I got hit in the head with a prawn cocktail,
409as I looked round, the waiter shouted, "that's for starters!!"
410
411
412
413.
414
415  I've been thinking of getting rid of my old hoover,
416it's only gathering dust.
417
418.
419A wizard walked into a gay bar and disappeared with a poof.
420.
421
422What do you call an alligator in a string vest?
423An Investigator.
424.
425My Great Grandma died after completing a Marathon,
426
427but hey, at least she had a good run.
428.
429
430  What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball,
431
432
433                                                 "Gluhhgluh"
434.
435
436
437
438
439
440
441I bought a pair of shoes off a drug dealer, dunno what he's laced them with,
442but I've been trippin all day.
443.
444I've been working for an Arab dairy farmer, 
445or Milk Sheikh as he prefers to be called. 
446.
447Two dead canaries for sale on e bay,
448not going cheep.
449.
450I've spilt stain remover on my trousers,
451how do I get that out??!
452.
453
454I just saw a digital radio going cheap as it's stuck on full volume,
455can't turn that down.
456.
457
458Unless you fell off the treadmill and smashed your face,
459 no one cares about your workout.
460.
461Allegedly California has the highest rate of adultery and depression,
462that's a sad State of affairs.
463
464Stalking is when two people go for a long romantic walk together,
465 but only one of them knows.
466.
467I can see exactly 6 years into the future,
468I've got 2020 vision.
469.
470
471I always knew that I'd never become a lawyer,
472as I struggle to pass a bar.
473.
474We remain in the grip of a global economic crisis, 
475and all the rivers are still flooding,
476 I blame the banks.
477
478.
479I was in a car showroom today and the salesman asked, "What are you looking for?" I said, "Because I can't afford to buy".
480.
481I was watching the Bermuda Philharmonic Orchestra, 
482and half way through the bloke on the triangle disappeared.
483.
484The Judge told me I had the heart of a lion, 
485and a lifetime ban from the zoo now.
486
487It takes a lot of balls to play golf the way I do.
488.
489I went to a really emotional wedding last week, 
490even the cake was in tiers.
491
492.
493If your girlfriend starts smoking, slow down and use a lubricant
494.
495My dad's hobby was collecting empty bottles, 
496which sounds so much better than 'alcoholic'.
497.
498No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea,
499you never get that tea.
500.
501
502While on acid I would see things that looked like beams of light, 
503and hear things that sounded like car horns.
504.
505"I haven't slept for two weeks, 
506because that would be more like a coma."
507.
508There were a couple of girls banging on my bedroom door all last night, 
509
510I had to let them out eventually.
511
512.
513I used to be a freelance journalist, but I was crap, 
514Lance is still in prison 
515
516
517
518I heard a rumour that they're giving away manure at my local fair, 
519so I went down there to check, it was bullshit. 
520
521
522
523Our local school has become an academy, it's sponsored by IKEA, 
524standards may be fine, but assembly takes ages.
525
526.
527I ate a ploughmans lunch at the weekend,
528he didn't look too happy about it.
529.
530
531A set of jump-leads walks into a bar, the barman says,
532"I'll serve you, but you'd better not start anything" .
533
534.
535Dorothy Parker (1893-1967):
536
537
538'If you want to know what God thinks of money,
539just look at the people he gave it to.'
540
541
542.
543
544Staff gathered in the car park for a fire drill at the sperm bank before the alarm had gone off,
545 it was a premature evacuation.
546
547.
548
549I must've eaten too much salmon over Christmas,
550I just ran up an escalator that was going down.
551.
552
553Don't trust atoms,
554they make up everything.
555.
556A Scottish paedophile has raised a dispute with eBay,
557he said the Wii GameBoy he received wasn’t quite what he was hoping for. 
558.
559
560What's the difference between a blow job and a cream cake?
561Girls lick their lips at the prospect of a cream cake
562.
563Fundamentalist,
564sponsor a nutter.
565.
566So Liverpool have SAS in their forward line,
567well Tottenham have LOL in midfield and WTF in defence.
568
569.
570I can't believe they didn't suss the deaf translator at Mandela's memorium, 
571should've seen the signs!
572.
573When making a documentary about Emo's, 
574
575it was hard to know what to shout to stop filming.
576
577.
578I turned up at nets wearing Cricket gear,
579
580
581and the ball smashed my Buddy Holly glasses
582
583.
584
585We just paid for a survey for our house,
586
5878 out of 10 people said they’d buy it.
588
589.
590
591I was always taking notes at my last job,
592
593but then they checked the till.
594
595.
596
597I couldn't hold a candle to my grandad,
598
599he was an alcoholic.
600
601.
602
603
604
605
606
607
608
609
610
611
612
613
614
615
616I purchased a microwave bed recently,
617
618
619 8 hours sleep in 10 minutes.
620
621
622.
623
624
625
626How do you confuse a Scottish Doctor?
627
628
629tell him you have 'knee problems'.
630
631
632.
633
634Owing to increased energy bills, the 99p shop have put their prices up by 1p 
635
636
637no change there then.
638
639.
640
641I recently bought a suicide bed,
642
643
644each morning I have to talk myself out of it.
645
646.
647
648If laughter really is the best medicine,
649
650
651 then how come there are no chemists selling nitrous oxide?
652
653
654.
655Biologists have discovered they can stop frogs dying by removing their vocal cords so they can't croak. 
656.
657
658
659
660'Petty Criminal',
661
662
663someone that steals dogs, cats, and other domestic animals?.
664
665
666.
667
668
669
670"You're the most gorgeous woman I've ever seen...",
671
672
673"You just want to have sex with me."
674
675
676"...and smart too, I like that."
677
678
679
680.
681
682The latest worry for parents in the UK is the iPad pacifier conundrum,
683no such worries for kids in China, India, and Africa,
684they're making them.
685
686.
687
688How do you get a Pikey to take a bath?,
689leave it in your front garden.
690
691.
692
693A Mexican stuntman died while making a film,
694
695
696at the funeral his mother approached the director and said,
697"Jesus died for your scenes."
698
699
700.
701My mate went a bit off the rails when he was younger, 
702
703
704which is probably why he's no longer a train driver.
705
706
707.
708
709
710
711My girlfriend broke up with me after I stole her wheelchair,
712
713
714but she'll come crawling back.
715
716
717.
718
719I asked the Mrs for anal sex last night,
720
721
722I thought, 'why not, she takes everything else the wrong way'.
723
724.
725
726Douglas Engelbart, the inventor of the mouse has died, 
727what vision, to know we'd need one hand free while at the computer.
728.
729
730What do you call a group of crows staring at a bird feeder?
731
732A tempted murder.
733
734.
735
736Doug Engelbart, the visionary who invented the computer mouse, has died aged 88,
737
738shame they couldn't right click and save him.
739
740
741
742.
743
744With all this shit on the TV these days,
745
746I think it's about time our parrot went back in its cage.
747.
748
749
750After a long battle with Leukemia, and a few failed attempts at Suicide,
751
752my Dyslexic friend finally passed his spelling test.
753
754.
755
756
757My mate went a bit off the rails when he was younger, 
758
759which is probably why he's no longer a train driver.
760
761.
762
763
764My girlfriend broke up with me after I stole her wheelchair,
765
766but she'll come crawling back.
767
768.
769
770I've just made a killing selling my shares in the nitrous oxide market,
771
772I'll be laughing all the way to the bank.
773
774
775
776.
777
778
779
780"Having poor teams like Tahiti devalues tournaments",
781
782
783says Robbie Savage, the man who played for Wales.
784
785
786.
787I've just joined a reggae band, playing the triangle,
788
789I stand at the back and ting.
790
791.
792
793
794My mate Jim Apple gets a lot of grief when people ask who he is in France.
795
796.
797
798
799I couldn't believe my dad had been stealing from his job as a road worker,
800
801but when I got home, all the signs were there.
802
803.
804
805
806If humans stood in a single file line around the equator, 
807
808most of them would drown.
809
810
811 
812
813
814.
815
816
817I'm going to make a TV series about a plane hi-jacking,
818
819
820we just shot the pilot.
821
822
823.
824Light travels faster than sound, 
825
826which is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
827
828.
829
830A dog walker was found dead in the local park,
831
832police found the dog, but as yet, they have no lead. 
833
834.
835
836
837What's red and bad for your teeth?
838
839A brick.
840
841.
842
843Our son was born deaf and blind,
844
845 it was really hard breaking the news to him.
846.
847
848
849
850
851
852
853
854Who should you call if you've seen a ghost?
855
856
857A psychiatrist.
858
859
860.
861
862
863Bill Roach, Jim Davidson, Rolf Harris, Stuart Hall, Freddie Starr, and Jimmy Tarbuck,
864
865
866it's a strong line up for this years Prison Panto.
867
868
869.
870
871I'd like to defend a penguin in court just to say,
872
873 "Your Honour, my client is clearly not a flight risk."
874
875.
876
877I bought a pond full of carp from eBay for £100,
878
879big mistake, what a load of shit!
880
881The seller was dyslexic.
882
883
884.
885  Hipsters  never burn their tongue,   
886because they won't touch anything that aint cool.
887
888
889
890.
891
892
893What's long, hard and has cum in it? A cucumber.
894
895
896
897.
898
899
900I saw a girl on the internet with 12 nipples,
901
902
903 sounds pretty strange, dozen tit?
904
905
906
907.
908
909
910My job in genetic engineering is quite well paid,
911
912
913I made a monkey last week.
914
915
916
917
918.
919
920
921My mate told me that he was pulling off his boxers before going to bed, 
922
923
924when his Mrs said, 'you spoil those dogs'.
925
926
927
928.
929
930
931I bet John Lennon would have loved online transactions,
932
933
934'Imagine all the PayPal...'
935
936
937
938.
939
940The man who invented Velcro has died.
941
942RIP.
943
944
945.
946
947Fairytale News: The Pied Piper has 12 rats behind him, 
948more to follow...
949
950
951
952.
953
954
955
956How does a cockney contact the local authority through his computer?
957
958
959by pressing the Cancel button.
960
961
962 
963
964
965.
966
967
968
969I'm thinking of starting up a, 'Stiff Little Fingers', tribute band,
970
971
972we're gonna be called, 'Arthritis'.
973
974
975 
976
977.
978 It was '2 for the price of 1' at the Vet's today ,
979although my other pet didn't really need putting down.
980
981.
982
983  It's, "Jamaican hairstyle day", at work tomorrow, 
984I'm dreading it.
985
986
987.
988
989 I went into the kitchen and found my fridge had exploded,
990
991I think something may have gone off in there. 
992
993
994.
995
996I Googled- "Missing medieval servant",
997it came up with "Page not found".
998.
999
1000I'm not a fan of currant buns,
1001I prefer the Old Skool ones.
1002
1003.
1004
1005 Argentina lays claim to the Vatican City on the grounds that,
1006
1007 "there is a temporary Argentine population".
1008
1009
1010
1011
1012
1013Hummingbirds are just regular birds that don't know the words.
1014
1015.
1016
1017
1018I took my creased trousers to a PR company,
1019
1020they asked what I wanted them to do with them?
1021
1022I said, "can you give them a good press."
1023
1024
1025
1026
1027.
1028
1029The Pope is going to have his ring destroyed by a Bishop, "Pope Benedict is relieved," said the head of the German bishops' conference.
1030
1031
1032You couldn't make this shit up.
1033
1034
1035 
1036
1037
1038.
1039
1040
1041 
1042
1043
1044I'm not saying I need a pube trimmer, 
1045
1046
1047but when I get an erection it looks like Pinnochio has joined the Taliban
1048.
1049
1050
1051
1052My mate's bought a scooter and written 'The Who' on the back of all his jackets,
1053
1054
1055I think he's having a mod-life crisis.
1056
1057
1058
1059.
1060
1061
1062Girlfriends have one vital thing in common with vacuum cleaners,
1063
1064
1065the better they suck, the longer you keep them.
1066
1067
1068.
1069
1070Jonathan Ross arrested in Ikea for stealing a food mixer,
1071he said it was worth the whisk!
1072.
1073
1074Man in Indian restaurant orders chicken tarka, 
1075
1076waiter says, "sorry I dont know that dish", he says "it's like a tikka but a little otter".
1077
1078
1079.
1080
1081
1082The bookies hot favourite to bag an Oscar this year?,
1083
1084he's 20 stone, goes by the name of Big Bubba, and doing life at Pretoria State Prison.
1085
1086
1087.
1088
1089
1090Our cat jumped in the washing machine yesterday, 
1091
1092but at least it died in Comfort.
1093.
1094
1095
1096
1097
1098
1099
1100
1101
1102I didn't know what to get my 9 year old scouse nephew for his Birthday,
1103so I put 20 quid in his Nan's purse.
1104
1105.
1106
1107Apparently Oscar Pistorius tried to leg it after he shot his girlfriend,
1108
1109but a real burglar had stolen his blades the night before.
1110
1111.
1112
1113Q: Why do Findus put a lot of cheese in their lasagne's?
1114A: To Mascarpone!
1115
1116.
1117
1118 The Pope has Resigned,
1119
1120
1121like a true Catholic he pulled out early. 
1122
1123
1124.
1125
1126New Scotland manager Gordon Strachan is already preparing for the 2014 World Cup Finals,
1127
1128
1129he's bought the Sky Sports package so he can watch it.
1130
1131
1132.
1133
1134So this guy's heading for the bookies, looking skywards thinking,
1135
1136
1137"I need to stop gambling, please God, just give me a sign".
1138
1139
1140.
1141
1142
1143
1144After years struggling with my addiction to alcohol gel, I'm finally clean.
1145
1146
1147.
1148
1149
1150
1151The Tour de France in recent years has resembled Amsterdam really,
1152
1153
1154with lots of people on drugs riding bikes.
1155
1156
1157
1158.
1159
1160Council Correspondence:- Here are some genuine comments taken from letters sent to the council:-
1161.
11621:-I want some repairs done to my cooker, as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
1163.
11642:- It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.
1165.
11663:- I wish to complain that my father broke his ankle when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
1167.
11684:- Their eighteen year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
11695:- The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
1170.
11716:- My bush is really overgrown round the front, and my back passage has fungus growing in it
1172.
1173
1174
1175.
1176
1177I was told that Tesco burgers really were the Donkeys bollocks, 
1178
1179I didn't think they meant that literally!!
1180
1181
1182.
1183
1184
1185Just went to the fridge to check my Tesco burgers, 
1186
1187aaaaannndddd they're off!
1188
1189
1190.
1191
1192
1193
1194You could never hold the Grand Prix in Ireland,
1195
1196as soon as the flag goes down, there'd be a riot.
1197
1198.
1199
1200At hospital over the weekend I heard a load of patients reciting Scottish poetry, apparently it was the serious Burns unit 
1201
1202
1203
1204.
1205
1206Would you call a drunkard who works at an upholstery shop a recovering alcoholic?.
1207
1208
1209.
1210
1211
1212
1213What lies on its back, a hundred feet in the air?,
1214
1215a dead centipede.
1216
1217
1218.
1219
1220
1221If a long dress is evening wear, 
1222
1223can a suit of armour be called Silverware?.
1224
1225
1226.
1227
1228The Chuckle Brothers have just been signed up by British Gas,
1229
1230
1231to meter you. 
1232
1233
1234.
1235
1236My mate tries hard to get to work early to beat the crowds,
1237
1238he's loving his new job with the riot police.
1239
1240
1241.
1242
1243
1244When your children are teenagers you should have a dog,
1245
1246 so at least someone in the house is happy to see you.
1247
1248
1249.
1250
1251My mates girlfriend is mute, so communicates by embroidery,
1252
1253
1254it's her version of sign language, sew to speak.
1255
1256
1257.
1258
1259Hear about the Emo that goes to a massage parlour and asks for an unhappy ending?.
1260
1261
1262.
1263
1264
1265 
1266
1267
1268If there's a storm going on outside, our cat scratches everything in its path,
1269
1270
1271when it rains it paws.
1272
1273
1274 
1275
1276
1277.
1278
1279
1280
1281Breaking news; FA to introduce sponge footballs and safety helmets after van Persie near death experience,
1282
1283
1284and remember, Guns don't kill people ... footballs do.
1285
1286
1287
1288.
1289
1290
1291
1292If you have sex with Santa,
1293
1294
1295does that make you a, 'Hohosexual' ?.
1296
1297
1298.
1299
1300I really need to confront my phobia of German sausages, but I fear the wurst. 
1301
1302
1303.
1304
1305
1306 
1307
1308
1309Since my mates divorce 3 years ago, he's put on 10 stone, 
1310
1311
1312his Doctor told him he has to stop celebrating.
1313
1314
1315 
1316
1317
1318.
1319
1320
1321 
1322
1323
1324I've just been informed that a distant relative has left me a priceless watch in her will, 
1325
1326
1327I hope it's not a wind up
1328
1329
1330 
1331
1332
1333.
1334
1335
1336 
1337
1338
1339 
1340
1341
1342Scientists have crossed an albino chicken with an onion, 
1343
1344
1345and finally created a white cock that brings tears to a womans eyes.
1346
1347
1348 
1349
1350
1351.
1352
1353I see they have female condoms now, they fit neatly over the top of a woman's wine glass.  
1354
1355
1356.
1357
1358I found some salad dressing at the back of my fridge with a use by date of 21/12/12,
1359
1360
1361                                           I think it may be Mayan-aise.
1362
1363.
1364
1365
1366The boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money,
1367
1368                             he serves up a great burger and fries.
1369
1370
1371.
1372
1373
1374A driver crashed her 4 x 4 whilst listening to Adele on the radio,
1375
1376 she was rolling in the jeep.
1377
1378
1379
1380
1381
1382
1383
1384
1385
1386
1387
1388
1389.
1390
1391I was sent a document regarding the 'Lostprophets' singer Ian Watkins,
1392
1393I had to download some software for it though, it was a PDF file.
1394
1395.
1396
1397
1398Police are hunting a 'Knitting Needle Nutter', who stabbed six people in the backside recently,
1399
1400
1401 they believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.
1402
1403
1404
1405.
1406
1407Facebook is a lot like ancient Egypt, people writing on walls and worshipping cats.
1408
1409.
1410
1411My mate came from a broken home,
1412his dad was a shocker at DIY.
1413
1414.
1415
1416R.I.P Sir Patrick Moore,
1417
1418no more 'Mr. Night Sky'.
1419
1420
1421.
1422
1423My train got delayed today because of a suicide,
1424
1425 I really hate Christmas Jumpers
1426
1427
1428.
1429
1430Apparently Marti Pellow has discovered he's got Arthritis,
1431
1432he feels it in his fingers, he feels it in his toes.
1433
1434
1435.
1436
1437
1438My girlfriend drew a map of India then asked,
1439
1440 "does Mumbai look big in this?"
1441
1442
1443.
1444
1445
1446What do you call a Muslim with 9 lives?
1447
1448Yusuf Islam.
1449
1450
1451.
1452
1453
1454Why did the Mormon cross the road?
1455
1456to get to the other bride.
1457
1458.
1459
1460
1461You'll never catch me out,
1462
1463 I'm agoraphobic.
1464
1465
1466.
1467
1468
1469A suggested name for Kate and Will's Royal baby is, 'Helix Shatterproof',
1470
1471quite apt for a little ruler.
1472
1473
1474.
1475
1476'Lincoln', is said to be doing very well in theaters,
1477
1478quite ironic really.
1479
1480
1481.
1482
1483I just found a whip, a mask, and handcuffs in my mum's bedroom,
1484
1485I can't believe it, she's a superhero!
1486
1487
1488.
1489
1490My new book is called 'Wooooaaooooh',
1491
1492 I'm really regretting using a Ghost Writer.
1493
1494.
1495
1496
1497
1498
1499I saw an inflatable ATM machine today,
1500
1501the screen said 'Please do not enter PIN'.
1502
1503
1504.
1505
1506I've been seeing a weather girl,
1507
1508 thought it'd make a change to date a woman that wasn't right all the time.
1509
1510
1511.
1512
1513If you made a belt out of old watch straps, 
1514
1515would it be a waist of time?.
1516
1517
1518.
1519
1520Women are the only species that defy the laws of gravity,
1521
1522the more they weigh, the easier they are to pick up
1523
1524
1525.
1526
1527I was at a Buddhist football match recently, and they started chanting,
1528
1529"You're going home in a cosmic ambience!"
1530
1531
1532.
1533
1534
1535Never come between two brothers as they may turn against you,
1536
1537however, coming between two sisters is another matter all together.
1538
1539
1540.
1541
1542
1543My mate's got breasts on the brain,
1544
1545shocking plastic surgery.
1546
1547
1548
1549.
1550
1551
1552One possible plus point to that reality bullshit show might be
1553
1554 to hear shouts of support in the jungle for Tory MP Nadine Dorries:- " Go Nad...Go Nad"
1555
1556
1557
1558
1559.
1560
1561
1562What do Abu Qatada and Peter Andre have in common? 
1563
1564they're not going back to Jordan.
1565
1566
1567.
1568
1569My girlfriend asked, "Would you like a blow job?"
1570
1571I said, "Do bears shit in the woods?".
1572
1573Wish I'd just said 'Yes',
1574
1575she's been on Google ever since.
1576
1577
1578.
1579
1580
1581If you worry that you aren't creative,
1582
1583buy a gym membership and see how many excuses you find not to use it.
1584
1585
1586.
1587
1588
1589
1590My girlfriend asked me to take her to the bedroom and make her feel young again,
1591
1592she wasn't impressed with the white wig and cigar.
1593
1594
1595.
1596
1597
1598
1599Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man the wife would have preferred. 
1600
1601
1602
1603.
1604
1605
1606Two silk worms were in a race,
1607
1608it ended in a tie.
1609
1610
1611.
1612
1613
1614What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
1615
1616Nacho Cheese.
1617
1618
1619.
1620
1621
1622
1623If you're 10% Polish, does that make you a tad pole?
1624
1625.
1626
1627
1628
1629Dear Americans,
1630
1631Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so please try and say their names properly.
1632
1633
1634.
1635
1636
1637
1638The potato is like the Katie Price of food,
1639
1640 it'll go with pretty much anything.
1641
1642.
1643
1644
1645
1646Footballers, pansies that fall from 5 feet and stay down,
1647
1648 Felix Baumgartner, dives from 128,000 feet, and gets straight up.
1649
1650.
1651
1652
1653
1654Leo the lion has just been voted favourite sign of the Zodiac, 
1655
1656after a long battle with Cancer. 
1657
1658.
1659
1660
1661
1662If Abu Hamza gets the eletric chair, he can stick his hook in the air and pretend he's in a bumper car.
1663
1664.
1665
1666
1667
1668Will these Jimmy Savile allegations never end?,
1669
1670police are now saying Jeremy Beadle may have had a small hand in it.
1671
1672.
1673
1674
1675
1676Should there be a health insurance for women which covers Retail Threapy? Just asking
1677
1678
1679.
1680
1681
1682
1683Gambling addiction hotlines might get a lot more gamblers ringing in if every tenth caller was a winner.
1684
1685
1686.
1687
1688
1689I'm waiting for the day that scientists discover a cure for Natural Causes.
1690
1691.
1692
1693
1694
1695Apparently there's a new flavour of dog food coming out,
1696
1697 it's going to be called 'Postman Pate'.
1698
1699.
1700
1701
1702
1703They say it ain't over till the fat lady sings,
1704
1705 Daniel Craig may be in trouble.
1706
1707.
1708
1709
1710
1711Jimmy Saville had to stop going to church,
1712
1713the priests kept fighting over who would get to hear his confession.
1714.
1715
1716
1717
1718
1719
1720It was nice to see Europe playing America at their own game in the Ryder Cup,
1721
1722 turning up late and claiming victory.
1723
1724.
1725
1726
1727
1728
1729Katie Price can't mention her love life on twitter,
1730
1731it involves more than 140 characters.
1732
1733 
1734
1735.
1736
1737
1738
1739JD Sports are selling Jimmy Saville memorial tracksuits,
1740
1741they have adult size tops but you have to squeeze into the kids bottoms.
1742
1743
1744.
1745
1746
1747
1748 A local shepherd has attacked an artist for drawing a cartoon mocking his lamb.
1749
1750
1751.
1752
1753
1754
1755Apparently Monica Lewinsky plans on writing a 'tell-all' book about her time in the white house,
1756
1757I bet it sucks.
1758
1759
1760.
1761
1762
1763
1764I got in trouble at the local park for lining all the squirrels up in order of height,
1765
1766they didn't like me critter sizing.
1767
1768
1769.
1770
1771
1772
1773What anti-perspirant do pessimistic people use?,
1774
1775not sure.
1776
1777
1778.
1779
1780
1781
1782
1783I caught my Muslim friend shagging a sheep the other day,
1784
1785he said it was Islam and he could do what he wants
1786
1787
1788.
1789
1790
1791
1792I'm hosting a charity concert for people who struggle to reach orgasm, 
1793
1794if you can't come, let me know.
1795
1796
1797.
1798
1799
1800
1801So thalidomide manufacturer finally apologises,
1802
1803I can think of a few people who won't be applauding.
1804
1805
1806.
1807
1808
1809
1810I keep getting the urge to purchase a big white bear from the Arctic,
1811
1812my doctor says I may have 'Buy Polar' disorder
1813
1814
1815
1816
1817
1818What's the difference between woman and terrorists?
1819
1820You can negotiate with terrorists.   
1821
1822.
1823
1824
1825
1826Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with, "oh well, I guess you had to be there." 
1827
1828
1829.
1830
1831
1832A man has been found beaten to death in a tent at the V festival,
1833
1834is that murder, or assault within tent?.
1835
1836.
1837
1838
1839
1840I've formed a band called, 'Voices In Your Head',
1841
1842 when you hear us you'll go nuts.
1843
1844.
1845
1846
1847
1848Do Olympic divers get accused of playing football?
1849
1850.
1851
1852
1853
1854What do you call Postman Pat when he is retired?
1855
1856 Pat.
1857
1858.
1859
1860
1861
1862I just penned a song about a tortilla, 
1863
1864actually it's more of a wrap.
1865
1866.
1867
1868
1869
1870Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher?,
1871
1872he couldn't control his pupils.
1873
1874.
1875Why not click on one of the buttons below on the left and share this joke page with others?
1876
1877
1878
1879
1880
1881
1882
1883
18845 pearls of Scottish wisdom to remember.‏
1885
1886
18871. Money can't buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes Benz than it is on a push bike.
1888
1889
18902. Forgive your enemy, but remember the bastards name.
1891
1892
18933. Help a man when he's in trouble & he'll be sure to remember you when he's in trouble again.
1894
1895
18964. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.
1897
1898
18995. Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, 
1900
1901but then neither does milk.
1902-
1903
1904
1905
1906
1907My girlfriend spends every night in town, going from one pub to another,
1908
1909and somehow she always bloody well finds me.
1910-
1911
1912
1913
1914I beat an irritating git at the tennis courts with my racket,
1915
1916served him right.
1917-
1918
1919
1920
1921The Higgs Boson, as they're now pretty sure it actually exists, can they stop calling it the, 'God particle'?
1922-
1923
1924
1925
192640 quid for 2 of us to see 'The Amazing Spider-Man' movie last week,
1927
1928but at least we only got robbed instead of shot.
1929
1930
1931
1932-
1933
1934
1935Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier
1936
1937in London . Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.
1938
1939
1940--
1941
1942Darth Vader had a corrupt brother, Taxi Vader.
1943
1944--
1945
1946
1947
1948What do you call an OCD sex orgy? Bang tidy.
1949
1950-
1951
1952
1953
1954
1955Do you know who gives children a bad name?,
1956
1957
1958 Bob Geldof
1959
1960-
1961
1962
1963
1964A womans shoes say a lot about how she feels, 
1965
1966if they're behind her ears, she likes you.
1967
1968-
1969
1970
1971
1972I've never seen a tombstone that read:- "Died from not forwarding that e mail to 10 people."
1973
1974-
1975
1976
1977
1978
1979I've been slowly torturing a centipede for the past 98 days,
1980
1981it's on its last legs now!
1982-
1983
1984
1985
1986
198790% of women don't like men in pink shirts. Ironically, 90% of men in pink shirts don't like women.
1988
1989-
1990
1991
1992
1993
1994I've recently become a Professor of Palindromes,
1995
1996so now you can call me Dr. Awkward.
1997-
1998
1999
2000
2001
2002I've just joined a band called "Coffin Lids",
2003
2004they mainly cover the Bee Gees.
2005-
2006
2007
2008
2009
2010I held a coconut shell up to my ear and heard the sound of a one legged horse standing very still.
2011-
2012
2013
2014
2015
2016Lance Armstrong has denied ever using drugs, but he admitted pedalling.
2017-
2018
2019
2020
2021
2022The 21st century,
2023
2024when deleting history is more important than making it.
2025-
2026
2027
2028
2029I always cry after sex,
2030
2031£500 is such a lot of money.
2032-
2033
2034
2035
2036
2037Why did the ninja and his ninja girlfriend break up?
2038
2039  they never saw each other.
2040-
2041
2042
2043
2044
2045School children shouldn't be seperated according to academic ability,
2046
2047it'll only end in tiers.
2048-
2049
2050
2051
2052
2053Vidal Sassoon, RIP, never forgot his roots, and worth a bob or two.-
2054
2055
2056
2057I've just won our local Iron Man competition,
2058
205920 shirts in half an hour.
2060-
2061
2062
2063
2064
2065 Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding across the plains when Tonto stops suddenly, climbs down, and puts his ear to the ground. 
2066
2067Lone Ranger waits a few minutes, then asks Tonto, "What is it?" 
2068
2069"Buffalo come," Tonto replied. 
2070
2071"How can you tell?" 
2072
2073"Ear sticky."
2074-
2075
2076
2077
2078
2079The water's so hard where we live, the plumbers have to go round in pairs.
2080-
2081
2082
2083
2084
2085The police came to my house last night, showing me a picture, asked, “Is this your wife, sir?”, I answered, “Yes”. Then they said, “I’m afraid it looks like she’s been hit by a bus.”, “I know, but she’s good with the kids”, I replied.
2086-
2087
2088
2089
2090
2091Apparently diet books are popular because they appeal to a wide audience.
2092-
2093
2094
2095"Jesus loves you", can be a nice enough gesture in church, 
2096but not what you want to hear in a Mexican prison. 
2097
2098
2099
2100There's been a new therapy group set up for Tourettes sufferers, 
2101'Tourette's Welfare And Treatment'. 
2102
2103
2104I decided to go for a swim to forget this terrible drought we're having. 
2105I did 25 lengths of the back garden. 
2106
2107
2108My dyslexic mate has had trouble getting a job, so I looked over his application for him, where it asked if he had any disabilities he wrote, 'I occasionally need a bit more time than others as I have sex daily' 
2109
2110
2111If the chemical composition of water is 'H2O', 
2112does that mean that Holy Water should be 'H2OMG' ? 
2113
2114
2115New Durex slogan: 'Wrap it in latex or she's gonna get your paychecks'. 
2116
2117
2118
2119
2120I'm really worried about my Parrot, he keeps saying, "I can't go on, I hate my life", 
2121my room-mate's too selfish to notice, he's always crying. 
2122
2123
2124You know Drogba's playing when the fourth official is a Lifeguard!. 
2125
2126
2127Aint it just a little racist that they called the sea between China and Korea the Yellow sea? 
2128
2129
2130'Twister kills fifteen in Kansas'., Chrissakes, I knew it was an awkward game but that's ridiculous!! 
2131
2132
2133
2134
2135My gambling addiction cost me my marriage, 
2136or as I like to think of it, won me a divorce. 
2137
2138
2139For Sale: Replica Fisherman's Knife (Made To Scale). 
2140
2141
2142Alcohol gives you the ambition to do anything, 
2143while simultaneously destroying your ability to do so. 
2144
2145
2146My room mate has just lost one of my Mr Men books, 
2147no more 'Mr Nice Guy' :((. 
2148
2149
2150Essex, the only place where the Ann Summers shops have a 'Back to School' section. 
2151
2152
2153"Hot Cross Buns" was actually the name of Jesus' first aerobics DVD. 
2154
2155I'm in the dog house again, last night my Mrs said if I turned the light off she'd take it up the arse, 
2156maybe I should've waited until the bulb cooled down a bit. 
2157
2158
2159I hear Millets have gone into administration, 
2160will this be the winter of our discount tent?. 
2161
2162
2163Our parrot got out of its cage and shagged the blummin dog a while back, 
2164now we have some puppies going cheep if anyone is interested. 
2165
2166
2167How do you make a Pirate angry? 
2168Take the P out of him. 
2169
2170
2171With Greece in ruins, no more Jobs at Apple, should we now worry that when James Dyson dies he'll leave a power vacuum? 
2172
2173
2174I'm really into Grandfather clocks, 
2175big time. 
2176
2177
2178Roll up, roll up, cheap fags for sale. 
2179
2180
2181Do lesbians send hate male? 
2182
2183
2184Remember ravers, DJ Jesus died for your Spins 
2185
2186
2187
2188A muslim, and a mouse with an eye patch are being hunted after a robbery, 
2189police advise not to approach, as they are Ahmed and Dangermouse.
2190
2191
2192
2193'Tis obsession of Yoda my girlfriend has left me because. 
2194
2195
2196My girlfriend assures me that size doesn't matter, but all of her dildos look like they're missing a lamp shade. 
2197
2198
2199My girlfriend asked me for some Southern Comfort, 
2200the slap in the face alerted me to the fact we were thinking differently. 
2201
2202
2203"I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig", 
2204It's not a beautiful poem, but it's very deep. 
2205
2206
2207There was a race on TV where the prize was £1 million, 
2208a Scouser ran away with it. 
2209
2210
2211Dyslexic IT technicians wait ages for a USB, 
2212then three come along at once. 
2213
2214
2215There's a huge advert for Viagra in our high street, 
2216it's been up for ages. 
2217
2218
2219
2220My Ultra Sensitive toothpaste doesn't like it when I use other toothpastes. 
2221
2222
2223
2224Predictive text really gets my toga. 
2225
2226
2227
2228I've just bought a mirror clock, 
2229I think it's time for reflection. 
2230
2231
2232
2233April Fool's Day:- The day every newspaper fools readers by sneaking in one properly researched, factually correct story. 
2234
2235
2236
2237I told my girlfriend I was looking for cheap flights on the net, she got all exited, said she loved me, unzipped me, then gave me the best blowjob ever, 
2238I didn't like to spoil it by telling her they were darts flights. 
2239
2240
2241
2242
2243
2244I've just heard that the hard-drinking Jockey Wilson has died, 
2245I bet he finished on a double. 
2246
2247
2248Idea for a new TV series?? 
2249Former MP Leon Brittan takes hostage the host of, 'Who Wants to Be a Millionaire', 
2250it could be called, 'Brittans Got Tarrant' 
2251
2252
2253
2254I took my wife to a freak show yesterday, but they weren't hiring. 
2255
2256
2257
2258Wayne Rooney has visited Fabrice Muamba in hospital, 
2259"It's great, he can almost string a sentence together", said Fabrice. 
2260
2261
2262
2263If you lose one sense, your other senses are enhanced, 
2264that's why people with no sense of humour have an increased sense of self-importance. 
2265
2266
2267
2268What do you call a woman with one leg? 
2269Ilene 
2270
2271
2272
2273My dyslexic mate said he's being sent for counselling as they said at Court he has angry shoes. 
2274
2275
2276My new favourite band is Dog Whistle, 
2277you won't have heard them. 
2278
2279
2280I got covered in ketchup earlier today, 
2281from my head tomatoes. 
2282
2283
2284
2285Don't blame the photographer's, 
2286the Loch Ness monster actually really is blurry. 
2287
2288
2289
2290A baby seal walked into a club. 
2291
2292
2293
2294
2295Today I saw a midget prisoner climbing down a wall, as he turned and sneered at me I thought, 
2296'that's a little condescending'. 
2297
2298
2299
2300Grammar, the difference between knowing your shit, 
2301and knowing you're shit. 
2302
2303
2304
2305The only reason guys get fake tans is because there's no sunlight in the closet. 
2306
2307
2308For lent, I thought I'd give up sexual innuendos, 
2309but it's so hard. 
2310
2311
2312Just witnessed an Apple store get robbed, 
2313police have detained me as an iWitness. 
2314
2315
2316
2317I saw a Dutch guy with shoes that had built in satnav, bloody clever clogs. 
2318
2319
2320
2321February 29th, the only day that a man doesn't want to see a woman on her knees in front of him. 
2322
2323
2324
2325Did you hear about the lonely pyromaniac?, 
2326he's still looking for the perfect match. 
2327
2328
2329
2330A dog owner that entered his pet at Crufts has been sentenced to 6 months for outraging public decency. 
2331
2332
2333Rangers football stadium, Ibrox, is to be renamed, "The Inland Revenue Arena", or IRA for short, 
2334but it's only provisional. 
2335
2336
2337
2338I've got a make-shift job at a computer keyboard factory 
2339
2340
2341
2342
2343
2344Isn't it funny how we say that, 'noses run', and, 'feet smell'. 
2345
2346
2347
2348
2349
2350'Open Mike Night' can mean a whole different thing in gay bars. 
2351
2352
2353
2354Weatherman reacts angrily to being sacked after so many cold gloomy forecasts, 
2355no more mist & ice guy. 
2356
2357
2358
2359If a Chinese person dies, but no one turns up to their funeral, 
2360is that unbereavable? 
2361My mates Thai girlfriend told him that a small penis shouldn't spoil their sex life, 
2362he said she may be right, but he'd prefer it if she didn't have one. 
2363
2364
2365
2366We went to see Liverpool at Anfield recently, and it lived up to all our expectations, 
2367my car was stolen. 
2368
2369
2370I was going to get a power-gate for my driveway entrance, 
2371but with gate power comes gate responsibility. 
2372
2373
2374My mate was a victim of his own success, 
2375his trophy cabinet collapsed on him. 
2376
2377
2378I've fallen in love with a another ventriloquists doll, 
2379but she's already spoken for. 
2380
2381
2382BBC News: Fabio Capello resigns from the England job. An Italian abandoning a sinking ship, who would have thought it? 
2383
2384
2385I'm keeping maggots warm in my mouth for fishing, will they do me any harm? 
2386I wait with baited breath. 
2387
2388
2389My mate Gaz is the kind of guy who just lights up a room, 
2390he's an arsonist. 
2391
2392
2393We have a local band that are so bad that, 
2394by popular demand they have to smash up their instruments before the gig. 
2395
2396
2397My mate was told by his doctor to do something that gets him out of the pub, 
2398so he took up smoking. 
2399
2400
2401Common sense is like deodorant, 
2402the people who need it most rarely have it. 
2403
2404
2405
2406Ever think you'd like to buy a Parrot and teach it to say, 
2407"Help, they've turned me into a parrot" ? 
2408
2409
2410It only takes 3.5 inches to please a woman, 
2411it doesn't matter if its Visa or Mastercard. 
2412
2413
2414
2415
2416My friend told me he threw a stick 5 miles and his dog found it and brought it back! 
2417Sound a bit far fetched? 
2418
2419
2420I had a happy childhood, my Dad would put me inside a tyre and roll me down a hill, 
2421they were Goodyears. 
2422
2423
2424'From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter, 
2425some day I intend reading it.' Groucho Marx 
2426
2427
2428I seem to have upset my new female boss, as I never put the toilet seat down, 
2429dunno why I picked it up in the first place really. 
2430
2431
2432I took a degree in ballet, 
2433and got a 2:2 
2434
2435
2436Women can be like shed roofs, 
2437if you don't nail them well enough, they may end up next door. 
2438
2439
2440What do you call a Spanish flasher ? SeenYour Willie 
2441
2442
2443I once bought a Bonnie Tyler Satnav, but it was crap, 
2444it kept telling me to turn around, and every now and then it falls apart. 
2445
2446
2447I got a dig bick, you that read wrong. 
2448You read that wrong too:)). 
2449
2450
2451Why do Essex girls go to the toilet in pairs?, 
2452because they're not used to pulling their own knickers down. 
2453
2454
2455Can't get tickets for this years Reading festival, but it's alright, 
2456I've got some for the Writing festival which is better. 
2457
2458
2459There's a new Gang Rape edition of Cluedo, 
2460turns out they all did it.
2461
2462
2463
2464
2465
2466Woman to husband:- "My gynaecologist says I can't have sex for a month". 
2467Husband:- "What did your proctologist say?" 
2468
2469
2470
2471It's that time of year again, when Satan gets a shitload of letters from dyslexic kids. 
2472
2473
2474
2475What are cheese puffs made of? 
2476Wotsit matter?” 
2477
2478
2479Just watched a documentary on the uses of a pick axe, 
2480it was ground breaking stuff. 
2481
2482
2483
2484
2485A couple were out shopping, when suddenly the wife realized her husband is missing, 
2486so she phoned him asking, "Where the hell are you?" 
2487Husband: "Darling, you remember the Jewellery shop with that diamond necklace you fell in love with, 
2488and I didn't have the money, but said, 'Honey, it'll be yours one day'?" 
2489with a smile, she blushed, "Yes I remember that, my love." 
2490Husband: "Well, I'm in the Pub next to that shop." 
2491
2492
2493All rap seems to sound the same to me, 
2494I think I've got Dre-ja-vu. 
2495
2496
2497Kim Jong's dead?, I didnt even know he was Il. 
2498Maybe he chose the wrong Korea?, 
2499his epitaph will read: 'I told you I was Il' 
2500
2501
2502My girlfriend ditched me for a fisherman, 
2503I was gutted. 
2504
2505
2506At this fancy dress do, I had Chewbacca waving his hairy arms and moaning at me, 
2507I guess that's just the way the Wookie Grumbles. 
2508
2509
2510If the world were a logical place, surely it would be the men that ride horses side-saddle. 
2511
2512
2513I've got a new job with 500 people under me, 
2514cutting the grass at the cemetery. 
2515
2516
2517My mate fell in the vat at the distillery, some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off bravely and drowned. 
2518When he was cremated he burned for three days. 
2519
2520
2521
2522
2523What did the seven dwarves say to the prostitute? 
2524"Hi, ho" 
2525
2526
2527A recent survey discovered that a woman's, "I'll be ready in five minutes", 
2528and a man's, "I'll be home in five minutes", are exactly the same. 
2529
2530
2531
2532My mates girlfriend wrote on a balloon, "Will you propose to me?" 
2533he immediately popped the question. 
2534
2535
2536I pulled this older woman on Saturday night, her teeth were like the stars, 
2537they came out overnight. 
2538
2539
2540An essay should be like a skirt, long enough to cover the subject, 
2541but short enough to keep it interesting. 
2542
2543
2544
2545Women can be much like volcanoes, 
2546ready to blow any time, but probably never will. 
2547
2548
2549
2550At the end of this Japanese football match I was watching, 
2551the players started practicing Martial Arts, 
2552it must've been Ninjary time. 
2553
2554
2555It's daft this craze of cow tipping, 
2556what would they do with the cash anyway??. 
2557
2558
2559
2560
2561I got struck on the head by a clock yesterday, 
2562serves me right for winding it up. 
2563
2564
2565
2566France, Ukraine, Sweden and England, = F.U.S.E. 
2567what are the odds that we'll blow it? 
2568
2569
2570
2571Just lately when I go out, some bird with long legs starts following me, 
2572I think I'm being Storked. 
2573
2574
2575
2576Apparently sex shops now stock Muslim rubber dolls, 
2577quite popular because they blow themsleves up. 
2578
2579
2580
2581Why do we have women on foot patrol in the police force? 
2582to keep the streets clean. 
2583
2584
2585Out last night, I said to this girl, get your taco Senorina, 
2586you've pulled a dyslexic Mexican. 
2587
2588
2589
2590I dialled 999 the other day and said, "Two girls are fighting over me." 
2591"OK," she paused. "Well what's the problem?" 
2592"The fat one's winning." 
2593
2594
2595Apparently Egypt is having problems with factions trying to hive off their assets since the uprising, 
2596so be wary of any Pyramid Schemes. 
2597
2598
2599
2600Here's a quandary for you, when the Pope dies, 
2601is he being fired or getting promoted? 
2602
2603
2604
2605Me and my mates invited some pikey to play golf with us yesterday, but never again, 
2606he was only interested in doing our drives. 
2607
2608
2609
2610
2611A kiss is often just like a spider-web, 
2612it can end up with the undoing of flies. 
2613
2614
2615A dog walker was found dead in the local park, 
2616police found the dog, but as yet, they have no lead. 
2617
2618
2619
2620My friend likes to weave garden herbs together to make belts, 
2621what a waist of thyme. 
2622
2623
2624
2625
2626Pakistani cricketers, 
2627they'll give you a run for your money. 
2628
2629
2630
2631With the new iPhone having trouble understanding the Scottish accent, Apple have begun working on an 'Aye'phone. 
2632
2633
2634Bought a suit made from a cactus, 
2635looked pretty sharp in it too. 
2636
2637
2638Why was the hearse horse hoarse? 
2639Because of the coffin. 
2640
2641
2642
2643Walking down the road and I saw my mother in law fall over, 
2644I didn't laugh but the pavement cracked up. 
2645
2646
2647
2648My mate bemoans the fact he can't get a girlfriend, even though he speaks two languages fluently, 
2649English and Klingon. 
2650
2651
2652
2653Went to a shocking pub last night called 'The Fiddle', 
2654it was a vile inn. 
2655
2656
2657If iPhones were to go on the fritz now, we could have the classic headlines of, 
2658'Apple and Blackberry crumble' 
2659
2660Baldness... a second chance for gingers 
2661
2662
2663Apparently the new film about Margaret Thatcher will be certificate 18 as it's upsetting for miners 
2664
2665
2666'Saudi man convicts both wives of adultery', 
2667two birds, one stoning. 
2668
2669
2670Why did the Polish man cross the road?, 
2671because he stole the chicken's job. 
2672
2673
2674When I see a virgin I think, "WOW!" 
2675or 'World of Warcraft', as it is short for 
2676
2677
2678
2679My wife girlfriend dumped me because she says it's annoying how I relate everything to Batman, 
2680what a Joker. 
2681
2682
2683I used to go out with a girl called Penny, 
2684she was a copper 
2685
2686
2687As the saying goes 'time is money', 
2688then does that mean all ATMs are time machines? 
2689
2690
2691Life is like a bowl of soup, 
2692you only get blown if you're hot. 
2693
2694
2695STD's, allowing morons to pass tests too. 
2696
2697
2698Does it occur to anyone filling in their Curriculum Vitae to say they know a little latin? 
2699
2700
2701I saw a dog trying to shag a clowns leg the other day, 
2702animals do the funniest things. 
2703
2704
2705My mates daughter's horse will only come out when it gets dark, 
2706it's becoming a night mare. 
2707
2708
2709
2710How does a bull warm himself up on a cold night ?, 
2711he slips into a jersey. 
2712
2713
2714Want to be an orchestra leader?, 
2715then get into a bath of liquid nitrogen and turn into a superconductor. 
2716
2717
2718In the news a Chinese boy has sold his Kidney to pay for an ipad, 
2719so now he has a tablet to help him feel better. 
2720
2721
2722My mate & his blonde Mrs decided to flip a coin to see what their new born son should be called, 
2723now he's called 'Tails'. 
2724
2725
2726
2727Man Utd begin rebuilding with a move for Luka Modric, 
2728
2729Tottenham will only accept a player-plus-cash deal involving £20m and Howard Webb 
2730
2731
2732
2733Did you hear about the blonde who had two chances to get pregnant?, 
2734she blew them both! 
2735
2736
2737What's amnesia? 
2738
2739
2740To be fair, in the Champions League final United were without their star man, 
2741they just couldn't compete without Howard Webb. 
2742
2743
2744
2745Katy Price has had two new tattoos on her ankles, Clark Kent on one and Superman on the other, 
2746because you never see them together 
2747
2748
2749
2750My girlfriend thinks I have a gambling addiction. 
2751She hasn't said anything, but I bet that's what she's thinking. 
2752
2753
2754My shoelaces keep falling out, 
2755why can't they just get along? 
2756
2757
2758My Grandads last words were "you selfish boy!"... I respected his wishes and became a fishmonger soon after. 
2759
2760
2761
2762There's a big fire at the Emirates Stadium, Arsene Wenger panics, shouting, "The cups! Save the cups", 
2763but the firemen tell him, "Don't worry Arsene, the fire hasn't reached the canteen yet." 
2764
2765
2766
2767Ryan Giggs today admitted to suffering from homesickness, 
2768saying that even though he's happy in Manchester he does Miss Wales occasionally. 
2769
2770
2771
2772Yesterday a Scottish newspaper put the face of the footballer with the super injunction on its front page, with a black line across his eyes. 
2773Today a newspaper in Dublin has done the same. 
2774Rumours are spreading round Ireland that the man involved is Zorro. 
2775
2776
2777
2778Apparently there's a new soap coming out, set in Bradford, 
2779it'll be called, 'Koran Nation Street' 
2780
2781
2782A beggar asked me if I had any loose change, 
2783I said, "No mate, it's nice and secure thanks." 
2784
2785
2786I got caught smuggling twelve cases of fortified wine in to the country, 
2787I'm worried I might be deported 
2788
2789
2790West Ham Football Club have said they were driving Chris Huhne's car and please can they have the 3 points. 
2791
2792
2793Did you hear about the two gay lorry drivers?, 
2794they exchanged loads. 
2795
2796
2797How are women like fine wines?, 
2798you can get them cheaper if you go abroad. 
2799
2800
2801How do a football pitch and an arts degree differ?, 
2802a football pitch has goals. 
2803
2804
2805Whats the difference between a Muslim wife and an Essex wife?, 
2806the Essex wife gets stoned before she commits adultery. 
2807
2808
2809There's a new Elbow tribute band around, called 'Arse', 
2810they're so good you can't tell them apart. 
2811
2812At the barbers today, I asked to have my hair cut like Tom Cruise, 
2813so he gave me a cushion to sit on. 
2814
2815
2816
2817With the new iPhone having trouble understanding the Scottish accent, Apple have begun working on an 'Aye'phone. 
2818
2819
2820Bought a suit made from a cactus, 
2821looked pretty sharp in it too. 
2822
2823
2824Walking down the road and I saw my mother in law fall over, 
2825I didn't laugh but the pavement cracked up. 
2826
2827
2828
2829My mate bemoans the fact he can't get a girlfriend, even though he speaks two languages fluently, 
2830English and Klingon. 
2831
2832
2833
2834Went to a shocking pub last night called 'The Fiddle', 
2835it was a vile inn. 
2836
2837
2838If iPhones were to go on the fritz now, we could have the classic headlines of, 
2839'Apple and Blackberry crumble' 
2840
2841
2842
2843As the only Pro Bono lawyer in the firm, I get a lot of grief, 
2844everyone else thinks he's a pretentious twat. 
2845
2846
2847
2848Despite popular held belief in some areas, 
2849'Sonny Jim' does not refer to an Islamic fitness centre. 
2850
2851
2852
2853.
2854As part of a school project on cultural diversity, my friends son invited a local Korean family round for dinner, 
2855the school reckon it's the first case of the homework eating the dog they'd ever come across. 
2856
2857.
2858
2859My mates girlfriend makes extra money polishing WW2 helmets, 
2860certainly puts a smile on the face of the patients at the Chelsea Pensioners care home. 
2861
2862
2863
2864I had a steak at this restaurant last night that mooed at me, 
2865I thought, that's rare. 
2866
2867
2868What do you call a sleepwalking nun? 
2869Roamin' Catholic. 
2870
2871
2872
2873Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds, 
2874he should move somewhere else. 
2875
2876
2877
2878Why a man should ever want to marry is a mystery, 
2879why a man should want to marry two women is a bigamistery. 
2880
2881
2882
2883
2884BBC NEWS: Swedish woman in Malmo, stops rapist by biting off part of his tongue, 
2885police have a man in custody, but he`s not talking. 
2886
2887
2888
2889BBC NEWS: In Sydney, Australia, a Cheetah C200 plane crashed into a ferris wheel, 
2890police say the pilot is slowly coming round. 
2891
2892
2893
2894
2895How often does a smurf do anal?, 
2896once in a blue moon. 
2897
2898
2899
2900Escapologists struggle for a living. 
2901
2902
2903
2904Apparently, Amanda Knox's lawyers say there has been, "no winner", from the court case, 
2905obviously discluding the legal teams from this statement. 
2906
2907
2908
2909Cleavage is like the sun, you can't help looking, 
2910but it can be dangerous to stare. 
2911
2912
2913
2914While at the Chemists, they told me I should stop taking vitamins, 
2915"why?" I asked, "because shoplifting is illegal," they said. 
2916
2917
2918
2919
2920
2921I got some of those new 2012 Olympics Walkers crisps today, they were actually really nice, 
2922especially the Korean ones, they're the dogs bollocks. 
2923
2924
2925
2926
2927LEGO Drum Kits. If you can't beat them, join them. 
2928
2929
2930
2931Confucius say, man with tool in woman's mouth, 
2932not necessarily dentist ! 
2933
2934
2935Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds, 
2936he should move somewhere else. 
2937
2938
2939
2940
2941I really need to confront my phobia of German sausages, but I fear the wurst. 
2942
2943
2944
2945
2946
2947Whenever I take a sip of my Evian it comes straight back up, 
2948it must be spring water. 
2949
2950
2951
2952Shoe shop sign reads:- 'Buy One Get One Free Sale', 
2953surely that's what usually happens with all shoe sales, unless you're Heather Mc Cartney. 
2954
2955
2956
2957My mate called me up to ask, "what're you up to at the mo?", 
2958"probably failing my driving test", I told him. 
2959
2960
2961
2962I was gutted when my cat drowned in the washing machine, 
2963but at least he died in Comfort. 
2964
2965
2966
2967My mate works as a technician in a sperm bank, 
2968but if anyone asks, he tells them he's in customer solutions. 
2969
2970
2971
2972If you would like to help out with the restoration of our local Church, 
2973give us a bell. 
2974
2975
2976
2977
2978
2979At school I was poor at art, as well as being a nervous asthmatic, 
2980come exams time, I struggled to draw breath. 
2981
2982
2983
2984Audley Harrison on Strictly Come Dancing! 
2985Smart money says he gets knocked out first. 
2986
2987
2988You know you have alcoholic constipation when you can't pass a pub. 
2989
2990
2991
2992I was attacked by a bloke throwing milk and cheese at me today, 
2993I thought, "how dairy". 
2994
2995
2996
2997
2998
2999BBC News - 'Gaddafi might have slipped into Jordan', 
3000slipped in, or fell in??? 
3001
3002
3003
3004My mate told me a fish jumped out of the sea and slapped him in the face, 
3005that's got to be codswallop! 
3006
3007
3008
3009I was chatting to this Arab dairy farmer, 
3010or milk Sheikh as he prefers to be called. 
3011
3012Rioters have been storming JJB sports shops across London again, 
3013returning the Arsenal shirts they took last month. 
3014
3015
3016
3017With Tim Cook in charge of Apple, could the headlines be.... 
3018
3019''Cook promises to improve Apple turnover''?. 
3020
3021
3022
3023Owen Hargreaves' move to Manchester City has broken down amid another injury scare, 
3024
3025he fell out of the transfer window. 
3026
3027
3028
3029Got in a fight with a sea creature that I thought was my friend, 
3030
3031turned out he was anemone. 
3032
3033
3034
3035They said being blind would hinder my chances of becoming a comedian, 
3036don't see them laughing now! 
3037
3038
3039
3040If on the way back from the pub, you see a little alien with red hat and fishing rod sat in a garden, 
3041it may be an E.T faux gnome situtaion. 
3042
3043
3044
3045
3046
3047An apostrophe is the difference between a business that should know its shit, and a business that should know it's shit. 
3048
3049
3050
3051
3052BBC News - 'Gaddafi might have slipped into Jordan', 
3053is there nothing that woman won't do for publicity! 
3054
3055
3056
3057Anyone else notice how, "National Rail Timetables", is an anagram of, "all trains aim to be late in"?. 
3058
3059
3060
3061Even though I've gone bald, I still keep the comb I've had for nearly twenty years. 
3062I just can't part with it. 
3063
3064
3065
3066Steve Jobs has resigned to spend his last months pursuing his dream of becoming a chef. 
3067The first thing he'll make is Apple Crumble 
3068
3069
3070
3071What's the worst nightmare for a randy pirate? 
3072
3073A sunken chest with no booty 
3074
3075
3076
3077. 
3078
3079
3080
3081
3082If your name is Andre, when writing, you should think twice before you sign off with a kiss. 
3083
3084
3085BBC sport news: 'I used to go down easy', admits Joey Barton, remembering his time in prison. 
3086
3087
3088Heard of the new Adam Ant diet? 
3089Don't chew ever, don't chew ever.......... 
3090
3091
3092
3093
3094Isn't it funny how, the heavier a woman gets, the easier she is to pick up. 
3095
3096
3097After being escorted out of Kings Cross station with concussion, 
3098I'm beginning to think my Hogwarts acceptance letter was a hoax. 
3099
3100
3101An English cat, named, 'One Two Three' and a French cat, named, 'Un Deux Trois', had a swimming race, 
3102'Un Deux Trois' cat sank. 
3103
3104
3105
3106I was watching the women's golf earlier, couldn't drive for shit, 
3107but they sure knew how to use an iron. 
3108
3109
3110
3111
3112You know things are bad when real life has become more depressing than Eastenders 
3113
3114
3115
3116
3117
3118Who would win in a fight to the death between Justin Bieber and Rebecca Black? 
3119Society 
3120
3121
3122
3123Breaking news: Arsenal trying to buy Henry, 
3124to Hoover out all the dust in the trophy cabinet 
3125
3126
3127
3128I recently got into the illegal trading of large male deer, 
3129it's big bucks. 
3130
3131
3132
3133After knocking one out to porn, try whistling, "When I'm cleaning windows", 
3134while you delete your internet history. 
3135
3136
3137
3138I've got a new job, crushing soft fizzy drink cans, 
3139it's soda pressing. 
3140
3141
3142
3143When the muslim martyr got to heaven, he was gutted to see his 72 virgins were all blokes playing World Of Warcraft 
3144
3145. 
3146
3147
3148
3149
3150This shepherd said to me, " I've got sixty-eight sheep, would you like to round 'em up for me?", 
3151so I said, "Ok, you've got seventy" 
3152
3153
3154
3155Just got back from my mates funeral , 
3156he died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball . It was a lovely service. 
3157
3158
3159
3160
3161
3162This girl was disgusted when she saw a suspicious stain on my trousers, 
3163I said I'd had spaghetti carbonara on my lunch break. 
3164For some reason, pasta really turns me on. 
3165
3166
3167
3168
3169
3170I tried to catch some fog earlier, 
3171and mist. 
3172
3173
3174
3175
3176During the recent riots in Ireland and Greece the protesters were throwing petrol bombs, 
3177can't be doing too bad if they can afford to throw petrol around!! 
3178
3179
3180
3181
3182Has anyone else noticed that the word 'Female' is just, 'Male', 
3183but with the periodic table symbol for 'Iron' attached. Coincidence? 
3184
3185
3186
3187Why are mountains so funny?, 
3188because they're hill areas. 
3189
3190
3191
3192
3193A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage, 
3194"no thanks, I'm travelling light." 
3195
3196
3197
3198I've been seeing this girl, and she said she doesn't give blow jobs in the first six months, 
3199so I told her to ring me nearer the time. 
3200
3201
3202
3203
3204The Beckhams called their new born girl, Harper Seven, 
3205but if they'd juggled the letters she could've been Even Sharper. 
3206
3207
3208
3209
3210Twitter became popular in France when they learnt they could retweet. 
3211
3212
3213
3214
3215Why did Abu Hamza cross the road?, 
3216to get to the second hand shop.
3217
3218.
3219
3220Why do Marxists drink herbal tea?
3221
3222because proper tea is theft.
3223.
3224
3225Done off by a tout! Thought I'd bought tickets for The Cure,
3226
3227but they turned out to be just Placebo tickets.
3228.
3229
3230The soap, 'Casualty', is now in it's twenty sixth series,
3231
3232but ironically it's not getting any better.
3233
3234
3235Sewage worker said he'd turned gay after entering so many man holes
3236
3237I thought I'd do my bit for the community, so I Fostered a Chav,
3238
3239got him right between the eyes with a full can.
3240.
3241
3242I got a brass instrument for my birthday, but it's still in it's box,
3243
3244I'm not one to blow my own trumpet.
3245.
3246
3247Greek Prime Minister in TV address,
3248
3249"I've got bills, they're multiplying, and I'm loooosing control"
3250.
3251
3252My girlfriend said she's dumped me because of my obsession with plants,
3253
3254so I asked, "where's this stemming from petal"
3255.
3256
3257Ross Kemp has never seen a game of football before,
3258
3259because he always leaves before anything kicks off.
3260.
3261
3262I walked into a hotel today. A bloke said "Are you here for the Twitter convention?",
3263
3264I said "Yes.", so he said "Follow me."
3265.
3266
3267I couldn't really sprint at school, I preferred to take my time and build up my endurance levels,
3268
3269which benefitted me in the long run.
3270.
3271
3272What do you call a Chinese man with a video camera? Phil Ming
3273
3274I could hear music coming out of my printer the other day,
3275
3276bloody paper was jammin' again.
3277.
3278
3279If you want to keep slim take up queue jumping,
3280
3281it reduces your wait.
3282.
3283
3284A prisoner on Death Row in Utah was allowed to choose his firing squad,
3285
3286he asked for Fernando Torres.
3287.
3288
3289My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with health and safety,
3290
3291I said, "Don't let the door hit you on the way out."
3292.
3293
3294What do chav's write in their Fathers Day cards?
3295
3296'To whom it may concern'.
3297.
3298
3299I asked my Welsh mate how many sexual partners he's had,
3300
3301he started counting then fell asleep.
3302
3303.
3304Rap is like scissors, 
3305it always loses to rock . 
3306
3307
3308In the news:-'German beats pirate with deck chair', 
3309are they sure that wasn't meant to be:- 'German beats pirate TO deck chair' ? 
3310
3311
3312Eurovision is the paralympics of music. 
3313
3314
3315
3316I wish my garden was Emo, 
3317so it would cut itself. 
3318
3319
3320
3321I was so disappointed after travelling all that way to see the Great Wall of China, 
3322it wasn't made of china at all. 
3323
3324
3325Amanda Holden is 8/1 favourite to win 'Rear of the Year', 
3326apparently it's not the first time she has had her rear entered. 
3327
3328
3329Tenerife is a lovely place to go to take the weight of your shoulders 
3330
3331
3332I've just finished reading Kate McCann's new book, 
3333she's left the door open for a sequel 
3334
3335
3336I bought my girlfriend a car last week, but the drivers door won't open for her, 
3337it's a Smart car. 
3338
3339
3340A couple are getting married after meeting on 'Deal or No Deal', 
3341apparently he fell for her the moment she opened her box for him. 
3342
3343
3344Ex Miss Wales and Big Brother contestant Imogen Thomas has had a Super Injunction taken out against her, 
3345to stop her fledgling singing career before it starts. So now she can't get any more Giggs. 
3346
3347
3348A girl at work said to me, 'If you've got nothing on this Friday, pop round for a drink.' 
3349And there your honour rests the case for the defence. 
3350
3351
3352World Cup referee Howard Webb gets MBE for his contribution to United's record 19 premiership titles. 
3353
3354
3355Adeles latest tune, 
3356'It's all over' 
3357
3358
3359
3360
3361
3362A skint old biddy was being robbed, but she had no money, the thief insisted that it must be in her bra or knickers, and starts feeling around. 
3363"I told you I've got no money," she says, "but if you keep doing that, I'll write you a cheque." 
3364
3365
3366
3367How many Tories does it take to change a lightbulb? 
3368CHANGE!? 
3369
3370
3371
3372Five armed men have been arrested near the Sellafield nuclear site in Cumbria, police said. 
3373Jesus, and I thought the three eyed fish theory was a joke! 
3374
3375
3376
3377I've got a fear of two-letter words, 
3378I get scared just thinking about it. 
3379
3380
3381
3382Did your hear about the Italian Chef that died? He pasta way! 
3383
3384
3385
3386This man was about to throw dough, cheese, and tomatoes at me, 
3387I said, "You wanna pizza me?" 
3388
3389
3390
3391I got shown around an empty perfume factory, it made no scents whatsoever. 
3392
3393
3394
3395I've decided to marry a pencil, can't wait to introduce the parents to my bride 2B. 
3396
3397
3398
3399There's a new band about, sure to make it big, called the 'Blank Cheques', 
3400currently unsigned. 
3401
3402
3403
3404I've just started a band called 999 Megabytes, 
3405we haven't had a gig yet. 
3406The worst pub I've ever been to was called The Fiddle. It really was a vile inn. 
3407
3408
3409"Why did the chicken commit suicide? To get to the other side." 
3410
3411
3412I hate people who think it's clever to take drugs...............like customs officers 
3413
3414What does a ninja warrior and a softcore porn star have in common? 
3415No-one sees them coming. 
3416
3417
3418Two chavs are in a car and no music is playing, who's driving? 
3419The police 
3420
3421
3422Past, Present and Future walked into a bar, it was a tense moment. 
3423
3424
3425My mate has learning difficulties, he attempted suicide this morning, 
3426he didn't succeed, but his spelling is definitely improving. 
3427
3428
3429My friend's mission in life is to shoot as many homosexuals as he can, he's a photographer for the Gay Times 
3430
3431
3432I have a contact lens problem. I have no contact lens solution. 
3433
3434
3435Join the gay society and widen the circle of your friends. 
3436
3437
3438What come in packs of 10 or 20, stink like fuck and are banned from every pub in the country? 
3439Pikeys. 
3440
3441
3442Mark said to Paddy, "close your curtains the next time you're shagging your wife!". 
3443"Why?", asks Paddy? 
3444Mark replied, "Because yesterday you were shagging her and the whole street was out watching and laughing at you." 
3445"Well", says Paddy, "The fuckin' jokes on them cos I wasn't even home yesterday." 
3446
3447
3448Two crisps are walking down the street and a man pulls up in a car and says, "Do you want a lift?", 
3449and the crisps say, "no thanks, we're Walkers" 
3450
3451
3452
3453Teacher, ''Tommy, why have you brought your cat to school with you today ?'' 
3454Tom (crying ,) '' I heard the milk man tell my mum, "when your boy goes to school I'm gonna eat your pussy!", " 
3455
3456
3457'I woke last night to find the Ghost of Gloria Gaynor stood at the foot of my bed. 
3458At first I was Afraid I was petrified 
3459
3460
3461Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche & mentioned it on FaceBook, 
3462I said, "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!", next thing I know, 40,000 Muslims have added me as a friend! 
3463
3464
3465
3466I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked miserable, 
3467I thought to myself, ‘that guy’s heading for a breakdown’. 
3468
3469
3470I was in bed with my new girlfriend last night, and she said I‘d got the biggest dick she’d ever laid her hands on, 
3471I said, “You’re pulling my leg” 
3472
3473
3474The lead actor in the local pantomime, Aladdin, was sexually abused on stage last night. 
3475To be fair the audience did try to warn him… 
3476
3477
3478Got some new aftershave today that smells like breadcrumbs, 
3479the birds love it! 
3480
3481
3482
3483An Irish boy is crying at the side of the road. A man asks "what's wrong??", the boy says, "Me ma is dead", 
3484"Oh bejaysus", the man says, "Do you want me to call Father O’Riley for you??", the boy replies, "No tanks mister, Sex is the last ting on me moind at the moment." 
3485
3486
3487Saw my mate outside the Doctor's today looking really worried. 
3488"What's the matter?" I asked. 
3489"I've got the big C,"he said. 
3490"What, cancer?" 
3491"No, dyslexia." 
3492
3493
3494
3495
3496My son wants a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our 
3497local pet shop and they were £70!!! 
3498B*ll*cks to that I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web. 
3499
3500
3501I don't know why people gets so excited about Christmas. 
3502It's just like a normal day to me, 
3503sat at the table with a fat bird that won't gobble anymore 
3504
3505
3506I used to be in a band called 'Missing Cat', you probably saw our posters. 
3507
3508
3509Breaking News: Cheese factory explodes. Nothing left but de Brie 
3510
3511
351299 percent of politicians give the rest a bad name. 
3513
3514
3515
3516A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. 
3517When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time 
3518
3519
3520The barman says, "We don't serve time travellers in here." 
3521A time traveller walks into a bar 
3522
3523
3524Who named Trojan condoms? 
3525The Trojan horse came through the gates, broke open, and loads of little guys spilled out and fucked everything, doesn't exactly inspire confidence. 
3526
3527
3528Muammar al Gadaffi rails against Arabs wearing Western style neckwear on Youtube, 
3529just another Tie rant. 
3530
3531Owing to the credit crunch, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off 
3532
3533
3534Some nutter said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face", "You'll be sorry." I told him, 
3535"Oh, yeah? Why?" he said, 
3536"Well, you won't get into the corners very well", had him stumped. 
3537
3538
3539When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water. 
3540
3541
3542The three greatest lies told by a New Zealander:- 1. My grandmother was a Maori princess 2. I once tried out for the 'All Blacks' 
35433. Honest. I was only trying to help it over the fence. 
3544
3545
3546
3547
3548Dude gets on a plane, feeling a little bit nervous, asks the Captain, 'How often do these planes crash.' 
3549The Captain turns and says, 'Just the once.' 
3550
3551
3552
3553I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose. 
3554
3555
3556
3557Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day, teach him to fish and you get rid of him at weekends 
3558
3559
3560The Police raided Bob Geldof's house this morning, where they discovered Amphetamine's, Smack, and Ganja, 
3561but unfortunately they couldn't find his other daughter 
3562
3563
3564I'm not saying that Tesco value viagra is shit, 
3565but even the posters won't stay up. 
3566
3567
3568From Tunisia and Egypt, to Libya,Yemen and Bahrain, the great bacon shortage riots continue. 
3569
3570
3571A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide, 
3572the librarian says; "Fuck off, you won't bring it back." 
3573
3574
3575
3576Why did the librarian slip and fall on the library floor? 
3577Because she was in the non-friction section. 
3578
3579
3580A man goes into a libary and asks if the book on 'Premature Ejaculation' has arrived, 
3581the librarian said, "yes, it came in earlier than expected"
3582
3583'Sports Direct Closing Down Sale', 
3584dressing Pikies and Chavs since 2004. 
3585
3586
3587A public toilet in Brighton is being converted into an 8ft by 5ft home, 
3588sounds like a shit house to me. 
3589
3590
3591What do you get when you pour hot water down a rabbit hole? A Hot Cross bunny 
3592
3593
3594I was chuffed when my lesbian neighbour got me a rolex for my birthday, 
3595but I think she misunderstood after I'd said 'I wanna watch'. 
3596
3597
3598Some geezer told me he'd just bought a Lighthouse, 
3599"well that's your lookout then" I said. 
3600
3601
3602A gay bloke working in a bird sanctuary, 
3603loved a cockatoo. 
3604
3605
3606The local funeral directors are advertising a new glass coffin, but will it be popular? 
3607Remains to be seen 
3608
3609
3610
3611The next door neighbours kid has an imaginary drum kit, 
3612can't beat that 
3613
3614
3615
3616My mate just got married to an Ex Pat out in Thailand, 
3617should I ask? 
3618
3619
3620
3621I ate a couple of Scotch eggs earlier, 
3622the nurse in the Glasgow fertility clinic looked sickened. 
3623
3624
3625I've just read a great book about the cannabis that Jonathan Ross used to smoke. Good weed." 
3626
3627
3628I've just bought a new Prince Charles commemorative teapot, 
3629it never reigns, but it pours. 
3630
3631
3632
3633My mate said his mother-in-law came into where he works today, and he was genuinely pleased to see her, 
3634he's an undertaker. 
3635
3636
3637I went to the doctor, and told him, "I think I might be addicted to twitter", 
3638he said, "sorry I don't follow you" 
3639
3640
3641A couple of chavs are doing a crossword, 
3642"I'm stuck on 2 down, "flightless bird from Iceland" (6, and 7), 
3643mate replies, 'Thats easy ya muppet, 'frozen chicken', innit' 
3644
3645
3646
3647Fernando Torres walks into a bar and says, "Give me a couple of shots please", The barman says, "what's the point?" 
3648
3649
3650I bought a new deodorant stick today. The instructions said remove the wrapper and push up bottom, 
3651I can hardly walk but when I fart the room smells lovely! 
3652
3653
3654Other skate boarders call me gay, I guess for not being able to stay on the board very long, 
3655Let's see how they manage with four inch stilettos on!! 
3656
3657
3658My grandad used to give me sound advice when I was younger, 
3659he was a dab hand with speakers 
3660I went to buy some tennis balls off e bay last night but the site kept crashing, 
3661must be having problems with their server. 
3662
3663
3664
3665"I before E, except after C." Disproved by science 
3666
3667
3668What do you call a well dressed lion ? 
3669A dandy lion. 
3670
3671
3672"The problem with quotes on the internet is that you can never tell if they're genuine" - Winston Churchill 1944 
3673
3674
3675Apparently Apple are to create 2,500 Jobs, 
3676have they now perfected cloning?. 
3677
3678
3679
3680I just bought some weed called 'The Koran'. It comes with a warning on it,:- 
3681'Burning this shit really can get you stoned'. 
3682
3683
3684Never get into a row with a physicist about the size of the universe, 
3685it goes on forever. 
3686
3687
3688What type of tobacco do Emo kids smoke? 
3689Cutters Choice 
3690
3691
3692
3693There are 26 million people in the UK who support Liverpool. 
3694Tax Payers 
3695
3696
3697I've trained my dog to bring me a glass of red wine, 
3698it's a Bordeaux collie 
3699
3700
3701Why did the broken clock phone the despotic ruler? , 
3702because desperate times call for desperate measures 
3703
3704
3705Apparently a consortium have bought a decommissioned Boeing 747 to turn into a high class restaurant, 
3706I can't see that taking off 
3707
3708
3709
3710BBC News confirms that 10,000 Egyptian soldiers have just entered Jordan, 
3711apparently she's a little sore but ready for more. 
3712
3713
3714Occasionally I question my sanity - sometimes, worryingly, it replies. 
3715
3716
3717If you suss out a magician, 
3718is he disillusioned? 
3719
3720
3721With summer coming up I've decided to start a magazine dedicated to ice cream, 
3722I've just had my first scoop 
3723
3724
3725I've been dating a blind girl recently, 
3726she's alright, but her sidekick's a real bitch. 
3727
3728
3729My mate went to a hardcore-Star Trek-fan convention dressed as Chewbacca, 
3730it was a wookie mistake 
3731
3732
3733My ex girlfriend gets really turned on by trippy rave music, 
3734she's trancesexual. 
3735
3736
3737My friend keeps setting fire to Belgian Detectives, he's a Poirotmaniac. 
3738
3739
3740PM urges 'new beginning' for Libya. How about Bibya 
3741
3742
3743I'm an avid campaigner for the preservation of endangered animals. 
3744You should taste my panda jam. 
3745
3746
3747Where ever he is, I'm sure my grandfather is looking down on me. 
3748He's not dead, he's just very condescending. 
3749
3750
3751Did you hear about the giant who threw up? 
3752It's all over town. 
3753
3754
3755A father is someone who carries pictures where his money used to be 
3756
3757
3758What's 3 inches long but never stops pleasuring women?, 
3759
3760a credit card
3761
3762I found my wife slumped over Hadrian's Wall with an empty vodka bottle in her hand. 
3763I think she might be a borderline alcoholic 
3764
3765
3766
3767Liz Taylor - gone for a Burton. 
3768
3769
3770Roses are unicorns, goblins are green, 
3771welcome to the party, I'm Charlie Sheen 
3772
3773
3774If you haven't worn a blindfold at a shooting range before, you should do it, 
3775you don't know what you're missing. 
3776
3777
3778
3779Local Police Station toilet stolen, latest statement says they have nothing to go on. 
3780
3781
3782What's the object of Jewish American football?, 
3783to get the quarter back 
3784
3785
3786Madonna at an African florists: "I'd like some flowers please", 
3787"Orchids?", "no, just the flowers thanks". 
3788
3789
3790Just saw a box of After Eights for sale on e bay, 
3791mint condition 
3792
3793My mates new bird has been around the block a few times... Like most women she's shit at parking 
3794
3795
3796People think I'm a motorbike stuntman, 'always pulling wheelies', I tell them, 
3797but I'm really just a bin-man 
3798
3799
3800As a painter, I'm proud to say some of my work is on show in the National Gallery, 
3801I did the skirting boards. 
3802
3803
3804Libyan Conflict latest: The French have surrendered, the Italians have switched sides, 
3805and the USA have implemented the no fly zone and accidently shot down all Britsh aircraft 
3806
3807
3808David Cameron should get British Airways in onboard in the Libyan crisis, 
3809they're the real experts when it comes to air strikes 
3810
3811
3812Can deaf people tell the difference between a yawn and a scream? 
3813
3814
3815Supply teacher absconds, there's no substitute for class. 
3816
3817
3818I got arrested for selling flags in the street. Trading standards 
3819
3820
3821Great, they've mixed my cannabis with my beef, I don't think much of this burger joint 
3822
3823
3824Did you hear about the Frenchman who could only count to seven?, 
3825he had a huit allergy 
3826
3827
3828If Russia invaded Turkey from the rear, 
3829would Greece help ? 
3830
3831
3832Bilbo Baggins of the Shire died in bed last night after an overdose of Viagra, 
3833I guess old Hobbits die hard 
3834
3835
3836What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? 
3837I don't know and I don't care. 
3838
3839How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb? 
3840Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end 
3841
3842
3843My granddad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed, 
3844"It's worth shelling out on good speakers," he said. 
3845
3846
3847Many things can be preserved in alcohol. 
3848Dignity is not one of them. 
3849
3850
3851
3852
3853The world's first 'gay' computer game has been released. 
3854
3855It came out on Friday. 
3856
3857
3858Arsenal are going to erect a statue of Jim Bowen outside the Emirates, with an inscription below:- 
3859
3860"here's what you could've won!" 
3861
3862
3863I went to the doctors and said, "I'm sick and tired of finishing crosswords so quickly!", 
3864
3865he said, "Try not to get two down sir." 
3866
3867
3868I dreamt I was drowning in an ocean of orange soda, 
3869but it was just a Fanta sea 
3870
3871
3872I bought my girlfriend a Smart Car today, 
3873it won't let her in 
3874
3875
3876After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up, 
3877I wish I'd never put it on now 
3878
3879
3880BBC News: Olympic Countdown Clock has Stopped, I think its a wind-up. 
3881
3882
3883Couldn't tune into news in my new Nissan so I asked the dealer, is this radio active? 
3884
3885
3886How are fat girls and mopeds alike?, 
3887they're fun to ride but you don’t want your friends to find out. 
3888
3889
3890Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condom?, 
3891it hangs around after the man leaves and talks to the woman. 
3892
3893
3894I used to fight a lot in my youth, now I just play computer games, 
3895I'm an ex boxer. 
3896
3897
3898I've just founded a band called "The Prevention". We're going to be better than "The Cure"! 
3899
3900
3901Raoul Moats accomplice Karl Ness has been given a life time prison sentence, 
3902however it's his brother Loch thats the real monster. 
3903
3904
3905I'm absolutely gutted, my bank account has been emptied. 
3906I guess I'm just lucky to have the Nigerian government paying my lottery winnings in next week!! 
3907
3908
3909I used to get paid fifty pounds an hour just to clean up leaves from peoples gardens, 
3910I was raking it in. 
3911
3912
3913I walked into a bar the other day and ordered a double, 
3914the barman brought out a bloke who looked just like me. 
3915
3916
3917
3918
3919A seal walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink, 
3920'What's your pleasure?', he asks, 
3921the seal replies, 'Anything but Canadian Club.' 
3922
3923
3924Do people with Parkinson's shoot steady footage during earthquakes? 
3925
3926
3927I just saw a fat singer with a laptop, 
3928I think it was a Dell 
3929
3930
3931I just got a new job as an auctioneer, 
3932they told me I had a lot to offer. 
3933
3934
3935I can't understand what all that fuss was over female linesman, 
3936I mean, if there's one thing women specialise in, it's pointing out mens mistakes. 
3937
3938
3939I learned everything I know about the trapeze online, 
3940I couldn't have done it without the net. 
3941
3942
3943I hear about Tsunami's on my longwave radio. 
3944
3945Bob Geldof, Its people like you who give kids a bad name 
3946
3947
3948Last night I fell asleep on a bed of rice. I was out as soon as my head hit the pilau. 
3949
3950
3951The mother in-law phoned today and said, "come quick I think I'm dying", 
3952I replied, "phone me back when you're sure" 
3953
3954
3955Tottenham have announced plans to build a 90,000 seater stadium to rival that of Barcelona's, 
3956it'll be called the Jew Camp. 
3957
3958
3959I wanted to sue the airline because they damaged my luggage. 
3960When I showed the badly damaged remains to my lawyer 
3961he said, "You don't really have much of a case." 
3962
3963
3964
3965I was going to write a joke about Katie Price's orifices, 
3966but they've all been done. 
3967
3968
3969I'd heard that Givenchy were bringing out a new scent, 
3970but it's just aroma 
3971
3972
3973My computer lets me save up to a dozen videos of musical concerts, 
3974it has a 12 gig memory 
3975
3976
3977Blonde humour isn't everyone's plate of tea. 
3978
3979I saw BT van with a sticker saying, 'No tools in this vehicle overnight', as in, it's not a camper van?. 
3980
3981
3982I'm going to compete in a marathon dressed as Michael Jackson. Not quite sure which race yet 
3983
3984
3985Women have to deal with periods and pregnancy, men have to deal with women. It's all about balance." 
3986
3987
3988While driving I had an accident with a magician. It wasn't my fault, he came out of nowhere 
3989
3990
3991I saw a girl in the distance. She had horizon me 
3992
3993
3994I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up. She told me that I have to stop wanking, 
3995so I asked, "why?", she said, "because I'm trying to examine you." 
3996
3997
3998A man goes to the eye doctor. The receptionist asks him why he is there, he complains, "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes." 
3999The receptionist asks, "Have you ever seen a doctor?" and the man replies, "No, just spots." 
4000
4001
4002
4003
4004I was once bitten on the arse by a German Shepherd, but he apologised afterwards and even introduced me to his dog. 
4005
4006
4007
4008How much coke did Charlie Sheen take? Enough to kill Two and a Half Men.
4009
4010'Viagra' is now available in powder form for your tea, 
4011doesn't enhance your sexual performance but it does stop your biscuit going soft... 
4012
4013
4014Honestly some people take offence at anything, I met a bloke with no legs at the bus stop, all I said was "How ya getting on?" 
4015
4016
4017Why do fat people spend all day browsing the internet? 
4018To get more cookies. 
4019
4020
4021Me and the girlfriend stayed at her grandparents’ place last night. I learned two things, it's not easy finding your way back to bed in a strange, dark house in the middle of the night, and that her gran is quite partial to a bit of anal. 
4022
4023
4024
4025Tease violent muggers by wearing headphones down a dark alleyway but having no iPod for them to steal. 
4026
4027
4028I'm not a fan of innuendos, but I do try to slip one in occasionally. 
4029
4030.
4031
4032
4033I hate it when people leave the fridge open. 
4034Its not cool. 
4035
4036
4037My mate told me there's a documentary on TV, about a charity asking for donations in the form of time-keeping devices, 
4038I might give it a watch. 
4039
4040
4041Went into a brothel and said "how much for anal?", she said sixty quid, I said, "ah thats a bit expensive, I think I'll leave it", 
4042she said, "tight arse", so I said "oh go on then". 
4043
4044
4045I like to wear protection whilst having sex. 
4046A balaclava usually does the trick 
4047
4048Teenage girl keeps confusing Facebook and My Space and ends up inviting people to "come on My Face". 
4049On the upside, she's got 273,412 friends now. 
4050
405163% of men have had sex in the shower. The other 37% have never been to prison. 
4052
4053Vegetarians. My food shits on your food. 
4054
4055I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs. 
4056
4057Royal mail have just released a new stamp with a picture of a clitoris on it, but had to withdraw it immediately because only 5 percent of men knew how to lick it properly! 
4058
4059
4060A couple of Chavs went to the sperm bank in London, but the day turned into a total disaster, 
4061one of them missed the tube and the other came on the bus! 
4062
4063
4064How is a woman like a condom? 
4065Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick. 
4066
4067What's the difference between a kangaroo & a kangaroot? 
4068One is a kangaroo & the other is a Geordie stuck in a lift. 
4069
4070
4071Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here". 
4072
4073
4074
4075Elton john goes to the tattooist and says he wants a rolls Royce tattooing on his dick!, 
4076tattooist says "you'd be better off with a land rover! it wont get stuck in the mud" 
4077
4078
4079"Mummy where do babies come from?", "well daddies make a liquid called sperm & put it inside mummy's" 
4080"do mummies swallow it?", 'only if they want new shoes.' 
4081
4082
4083Paddy is in a disco, he asks a girl "how about a shag", she replies, 
4084"I'm on my menstrual cycle." "Great " says paddy "I'm on my scooter, I'll follow you home". 
4085
4086
4087Why did the leprechaun wear two condoms...? to be sure, to be sure 
4088
4089
4090A man usually feels better after a few winks, especially if she winks back. 
4091
4092
4093What's the similarity between a short sighted gynaecologist and a dog? 
4094They both have wet noses. 
4095
4096
4097How come in 1967, the Israeli's beat Egypt in just 6 days? 
4098Because the equipment was rented. 
4099
4100
4101How do you know when a Frenchman has been in your backyard? 
4102Your bin is empty and your dog is pregnant. 
4103
4104
4105
4106Why did God create man? 
4107Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn. 
4108
4109
4110Sincerity is everything, if you can fake that you've got it made. 
4111
4112
4113Disappointed in Richard Keys & Andy Gray. 
4114In this day and age women in football should be given more respect, especially them fitties on Sky 
4115
4116
4117A jury: 12 people who decide which client could afford the best lawyer 
4118
4119
4120"Lead me not into temptation", I'll get there just fine on my own!! 
4121
4122Levi Strauss died on September 26, 1902 at the age of 73, and never married. 
4123Ironically he didn't get to pass his genes on to the next generation 
4124
4125
4126An invisible man married an invisible woman, 
4127their kids were nothing to look at either 
4128
4129
4130BBC News:- Harriet Harman says- "Johnson out Balls in", Parliament porn?? 
4131
4132
4133It's ok to smoke weed in the rain, but don't in hail 
4134
4135Transvestites are men who like to eat, drink, and be Mary 
4136
4137
4138News report:- Petrol stations will start playing porn movies at the pump so customers can see someone else getting shafted at the same time! 
4139
4140
4141A man walks into a library and asks for a book on 'John F Kennedy', 
4142the librarian says:- "I'm sorry sir, that's been taken out" 
4143
4144
4145Breaking news, optimist drowns in bath half full
4146
4147If there really were a God, and he dropped acid, would he see people? 
4148
4149
4150Women like silent men, they think they're listening 
4151
4152The older you get, the better you delude yourself you were 
4153
4154To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be 
4155able to say it. 
4156
4157
4158Did you hear about the psychic Eskimo? 
4159Inuit all 
4160
4161Roy Hodgson may have been sacked, but Liverpool fans will always have something to remember him by, 
4162his hubcaps. 
4163
4164The Queen visited a Post Office depot this morning, 
4165security had to step in when someone tried to lick the back of her head 
4166
4167What do you get when you mix the Australian cricket team with an Oxo cube? 
4168A laughing stock!! 
4169
4170Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims? 
4171
4172Red meat isn't bad for you, 
4173furry, green meat is bad for you. 
4174
4175
4176Now that food has replaced sex in my life, 
4177I can't even get into my own pants. 
4178
4179
4180I'd just like a chance to prove that money can't make me happy. 
4181
4182I don't want buns of steel. I want buns of cinnamon. 
4183
4184I've been on so many blind dates, 
4185I must be eligible for a free dog. 
4186
4187I was always suspicious my parents didn't want me, 
4188my bath toys were a toaster and a radio. 
4189
4190If you receive a message telling you to avoid canned pork because of a risk of contracting swine flu, ignore it, it's just spam 
4191
4192
4193What do you call a good cricketer in Australia? 
4194English 
4195
4196I just passed a whole field of sheep on the bus today 
4197what on earth they were doing on the bus I don't know 
4198
4199
4200Gerry Rafferty is to be buried at the same cemetery as Ronald McDonald and Heath Ledger, 
4201Clown to the left of him, Joker to the right! 
4202
4203
4204Sales of beer bottles & tinned goods have fallen in Australia recently, 
4205it turns out they haven't got any openers 
4206
4207Never call a man a fool, 
4208borrow from him. 
4209
4210Hear about the dyslexic pimp? 
4211He bought a warehouse 
4212
4213What's the difference between a g-spot and a golf ball?, 
4214the amount of time he'll spend looking for it. 
4215
4216What do anniversaries and toilets have in common?, 
4217men always miss them 
4218
4219What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?, 
4220the position of the dirt bag 
4221
4222How do you get a fat person in bed?, 
4223piece of cake. 
4224
4225I love defenceless animals, 
4226with a nice gravy. 
4227
4228
4229The neighbour asked if he could use our lawnmower, "of course", I said, "as long as you don't take it out of my garden". 
4230
4231
4232One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor 
4233
4234One good thing about egotists, they don't talk about other people. 
4235
4236
4237What did the spectator miss when he went to the toilet?, 
4238the entire Australian innings. 
4239
4240What do Ponting and Michael Jackson have in common?, 
4241they both wear gloves for no apparent reason 
4242
4243Australian coach to reshuffle their batting line up, 
4244and move Extras up the order. 
4245
4246What is the height of optimism?, 
4247an Australian batsman applying sun cream 
4248
4249I often say to myself, - "I can't believe that cloning works" 
4250
4251Ok, I've officially had it with cold turkey now, 
4252I'm gettin' back on to the heroin!! 
4253
4254Happy new Christmas and a merry new year for 1975 from all of us at the alzheimers association 
4255
4256Is the fear of getting stuck in a chimney Santaclaustrophobia? 
4257
4258What colour is the sky over Japan? Brew. 
4259
4260My mate said he always has the last word with his wife, 
4261"yes dear". 
4262
4263There's a vicious new computer virus being spread through Twitter, 
4264apparently it's untweetable 
4265
4266My deaf ex girlfiend left me for one of her deaf friends, 
4267I'm gutted, I should have seen the signs. 
4268
4269My girlfriend said she'd like an animal skin coat for Christmas, 
4270so I bought her a donkey jacket 
4271
4272I've started cooling my beer outside in these sub zero temperatures. 
4273I got the idea from the old lady next door, she's been doing it with her milk bottles. 
4274
4275
4276I recently bought a wig made entirely from bum hairs, 
4277but it keeps blowing off! 
4278
4279
4280Make something idiot proof and soon enough along will come a better idiot. 
4281
4282
4283The other morning I shot a giant rat in my pyjamas, 
4284what the hell he was doing in my pyjamas I'll never know. 
4285
4286
4287Without a plan, nothing can go wrong. 
4288
4289Our Grandmother was a very cultivated lady, 
4290she was born in a greenhouse. 
4291
4292
4293Apéritif:: French for a set of dentures.
4294
4295I'm so embarrassed, I,ve just had a letter back from Screw Fix...... 
4296turns out they're not a dating agency after all. 
4297
4298
4299The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up 
4300
4301Ambition is a lame excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy 
4302
4303My mate's a workaholic, anyone mentions work and he gets drunk. 
4304
4305They say money talks, but all mine ever says is "goodbye." 
4306
4307
4308I like to drink my Brandy neat, 
4309but sometimes I take my tie off and leave my shirt out 
4310
4311I got home from work and the wife said, - "I'm very sorry dear, but the cat's eaten your dinner", 
4312I said, "Dont worry-- I'll get you a new cat" 
4313
4314Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's, 
4315"Well you can't say fairer than that then". 
4316
4317I bought some HP sauce the other day. 
4318It costs 10p a month over 2 years 
4319
4320Driving down the motorway with my bird, she got a bit frisky and decided to do something about it, 
4321so we took the next exit, but it was a turn-off. 
4322
4323
4324If your friend Jack helped you on to a horse.. 
4325would you then help Jack off the horse ? 
4326
4327
4328I took a urine test at the hospital today, 
4329this kleptomania's getting out of hand. 
4330
4331
4332Sun News: It will be setting tonight and is expected to rise first thing in the morning 
4333
4334Doctor- I think I've got Hermes. 
4335Don't you mean herpes? 
4336No. I think I'm a carrier 
4337
4338Got really emotional this morning at the petrol station, 
4339don't know why, just started filling up. 
4340
4341
4342My girlfriend said that she had predictive text, 
4343so I sent her a message saying, "I'm shagging your sister". 
4344She didn't predict that. 
4345
4346
4347What's worse than raining cats and dogs? 
4348Hailing taxis. 
4349
4350I went to the doctor the other day I said 'have you got anything for wind', 
4351so he gave me a kite. 
4352
4353
43542 gay cowboys talking to each other, 
4355one says 'yup', the other says 'yep' 
4356
4357
4358The animated history of the Hundred Years War, 
4359a long drawn out battle 
4360
4361I'm learning to joust in the evenings. 
4362Well, it's actually knight classes. 
4363
4364Paddy and Murphy race up a hill, 
4365"If I'm first I'll write my name at the top" says Paddy, 
4366Murphy says, "If I'm first I'll rub it out" 
4367
4368
4369Anyone who thinks they can stop the tide is a cnut. 
4370.
4371
4372I hate all confectionery... 
4373bar humbug. 
4374
4375Children shouldn't watch big band performances on TV, 
4376too much sax and violins. 
4377
4378Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. 
4379After marriage, the "y" becomes silent. 
4380
4381What did the Bhuddist say to the hotdog vendor? 
4382Make me one with everything. 
4383
4384What's the difference between a musician and a savings bond? 
4385A savings bond eventually matures and earns money. 
4386
4387What is a Honeymoon Salad? 
4388Lettuce alone without any dressing. 
4389
4390What do you call a Spaniard who had his car stolen?, - 
4391Carlos 
4392
4393What are the three most important rings in life?, 
4394the engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering. 
4395
4396Why was the hearse horse hoarse?, 
4397because of the coffin. 
4398
4399A cat hijacked a plane, stuck a pistol into the pilot's ribs and demanded "Take me to the canaries". 
4400
4401Their's a spider living in my keyboard, but it's alright, I've got him under control. 
4402
4403Is a sleeping bull a bulldozer? 
4404
4405A girl friend of mine said the recent snow fall reminded her of sex- 
4406"You never know how many inches you're gonna get or how long it'll last". 
4407
4408How do you stop football hooligans charging? 
4409Cancel their credit cards. 
4410
4411Q: Heard of the wallet made of elephant foreskin? 
4412A: When you rub it, it turns into a briefcase. 
4413
4414Q: Why do elephants have big ears? 
4415A: Because Noddy wouldn't pay the ransom. 
4416
4417Q: What do elephants use as tampons? 
4418A: Sheep. 
4419
4420Q: Why do elephants have long trunks? 
4421A: Sheep don't have strings. 
4422
4423
4424Sepp Blatter,the football world's version of Robert Mugabe 
4425
4426What do you call a stolen yam? 
4427A hot potato. 
4428
4429
4430What do you get if you divide the circumference 
4431of a pumpkin by its diameter? 
4432Pumpkin pi. 
4433
4434
4435News: 'Audley Harrison Continues to Box'. 
4436Apparently Amazon have taken on extra packers for the Christmas rush 
4437
4438
4439
4440Whenever I buy rocket salad it always goes off before I can eat it.
4441
4442When I found out that my masseuse is also a prostitute, I was relieved. 
4443
4444
4445What's four inches long and only goes in One Direction? 
4446Louis Walsh's cock. 
4447
4448
4449There are two words in a person's life that will open a lot of doors for them.... PUSH and PULL 
4450
4451What's Audley Harrison & a schoolkid got in common? 
4452They both need picking up 'round 3 
4453
4454I feel like I've been 12 rounds with Audley Harrison. 
4455Absolutely fine. 
4456
4457I raised the alarm at work today. 
4458The midgets were furious 
4459
4460In the hard times of this economy, a dog isn't just for Christmas. 
4461If you carve it right it can last a couple of weeks 
4462
4463Hear about the gay cowboy? He rode into town and shot up the sheriff 
4464
4465The proctologist reassured the patient that his condition could be rectified. 
4466
4467
4468
4469Buddhist at the dentists refuses pain-killers because he wanted to transcend dental medication 
4470
4471
4472In the room the curtains were drawn, but the rest of the furniture was real. 
4473
4474
4475What is the difference between a nicely dressed man on a tricycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle? 
4476A tire. 
4477
4478I accidentally swallowed some food colouring the other day, 
4479the doctor says I'll be fine, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside. 
4480
4481
4482The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran 
4483
4484
4485There's a sign on the lawn at the drug re-hab center that says- 'Keep off the Grass'. 
4486
4487
4488A three-legged dog walked into a saloon in the Old West. He said to the bartender, Im looking for the man who shot my paw 
4489
4490"Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted." 
4491
4492
4493"Being an England football fan is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day." 
4494
4495
4496"As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog." 
4497
4498
4499There's a town in Illinois called Beecher, it has a tool and die company named 'Beecher Tool and Die' 
4500
4501
4502"A man's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink." 
4503
4504
4505What do you give a cannibal that's late for dinner? The cold shoulder 
4506
4507A Scouser goes to a prostitute, she says, ‘Do you want a blow job?’ so he asks, ‘Will it affect me dole money?’ 
4508
4509
4510I took our dog to the vet today, after examining the hound he told me he'd have to put her down, 
4511"what's wrong with her?", I asked, "she's too heavy for me" he replied 
4512
4513I went into a butchers and I said, 'I'll have a pound of sausages. 'He said, 'I'm very sorry, sir, we only serve kilos in here. 'I said, 'Okay then I'll have a pound of kilos.' 
4514
4515A fight kicked off at a fancy dress Bonfire night party, police arrested two youths, dressed as a battery, and a firework. 
4516They charged one and let the other one off. 
4517
4518
4519If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? 
4520
4521The longest sentence in the English language: - " I do " 
4522
4523Is Karl Marx's tomb a communist plot? 
4524
4525A container ship full of blue paint has collidided with a container ship full of red paint, 
4526the crew have been marooned 
4527
4528Those that forget the pasta are doomed to reheat it. 
4529
4530Marriage isn't a word. It's a sentence. 
4531
4532
4533If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? 
4534
4535Remember, there's always light at the end of the tunnel, 
4536just pray it's not a train. 
4537
4538
4539After assessing the gas explosion in Salford, Police have estimated it caused at least half a million pounds worth of improvements 
4540
4541
4542
4543Dwarf porn, 
4544ironically on the top shelf. 
4545
4546My dyslexic mate rubbed shoe polish all over his dick at 1am on sunday morning, he was trying to turn his cock black 
4547
4548
4549How do they celebrate Halloween in Norwich? 
4550
4551Pump kin. 
4552
4553
4554A man walks into a pharmacy and asks 
4555"Do you sell Viagra here?" 
4556"Yes, sir." 
4557The man then asks, "Do you think I could get it over the counter?" 
4558" If you took five or six pills at once you might sir."
4559
4560I entered ten puns into a pun contest to see which one would win. 
4561
4562No pun in ten did 
4563
4564
4565Q: What have Gareth gates and Harold Shipman got in common? 
4566A: Neither of them can finish a sentence 
4567
4568
4569What is brown and runs around a field? 
4570A fence 
4571
4572
4573Roses are red. 
4574Violets are blue. 
4575I've got Alzheimers. 
4576Cheese on toast. 
4577
4578
4579Every time the doorbell rings, my dog goes and sits in the corner. He's a boxer. 
4580
4581
4582Man in court for beating his wife............... Judge asks "why do you keep beating her?", defendant replies:- "I think it's my weight advantage, hand speed, longer reach, and superior footwork" 
4583
4584
4585What do you get if you cross a soldier and a chilli? 
4586
4587A PEPPER-ARMY 
4588
4589
4590
4591Just seen Durex's latest condom product . The Crystal Palace range comes in two colours, home and away, guaranteed to fit any prick 
4592
4593
4594Two fish in a tank, one says to the other:- 
4595"Do you know how to drive this?" 
4596
4597
4598For sale: Dead Canary 
4599
4600Not going cheap 
4601
4602
4603
4604A couple of naked lesbians barged into the house today, and started wrestling with my girlfriend while she was in the bath. 
4605
4606I tried to help, but I could only knock one out. 
4607
4608
4609My grandad rode national hunt horses until he was run down by a steamroller. 
4610
4611Luckily for him, he went on to be a successful flat jockey 
4612
4613
4614
4615The Grim Reaper came for me but I fought him off with my hoover. 
4616
4617I was Dyson with death. 
4618
4619
4620I got a brand new hedge-trimmer today, 
4621It's state of the art cutting hedge technology 
4622
4623
4624I've got a dog called Curiosity 
4625
4626
4627Watching Anne Widdecombe on Strictly Come Dancing. 
4628The guy she is with looks like he is trying to steer a tractor 
4629
4630
4631Why did the mexican push his wife of the cliff? 
4632Tequila 
4633
4634While walking in the park I saw a man with this amazing dog, it had put a tent up, lit a fire and was cooking some beans. 
4635
4636"Bloody hell, thats a clever dog mate" 
4637
4638"Its a guide dog" he replied. 
4639
4640
4641I've been asked to take part in a crime scene reconstruction of a murdered campanologist for Crimewatch. 
4642Apparently I'm a dead ringer. 
4643
4644
4645
4646I was brought up to believe I could be anybody I wanted to be.......Turns out the police call that identity theft! 
4647
4648Never argue with an idiot. 
4649He'll drag you down to his level and beat you with experience 
4650
4651
4652I always carry a bottle of acid in my pocket so if anyone tries to.attack me I can throw it in their face. 
4653Then all I need to do is outrun them for an hour until they start tripping. 
4654
4655So Ed Milliband has described the decision to invade Iraq as, 'wrong'. NO SHIT SHIRLOCK!! 
4656
4657I can't wait for the speech where he declares that the invention of penicillin was, 'useful'. 
4658
4659
4660Man walks into butchers and says can I have an ox tail please? Butcher says sure......once upon a time...... 
4661
4662A woman walked into a library and asked for a book on euphemisms. 
4663So the librarian took her up the rear aisle and let her have it. 
4664
4665BBC News: Australia has its first female PM. 
4666I predict their economy will crash... Into the back of another economy. 
4667
4668Girls: 
4669If you get a message from your boyfriend saying that he wants to "kick your puppy", don't call the RSPCA... 
4670He's just not very good at predictive text. 
4671
4672A book just fell on my head. 
4673I've only got myshelf to blame. 
4674
4675What's long and hard and makes women groan? 
4676An Ironing Board. 
4677
4678What's the biggest difference between men and women? 
4679What they mean, when they say: "I got through a whole box of tissues watching that film." 
4680
4681Why does the French flag have Velcro? 
4682So the blue and red sections are easily removed during a time of war. 
4683
4684What did Osama Bin Laden cook on Ready Steady Cook? 
4685Big Apple Crumble. 
4686
4687Call it a hunch, but I'm pretty sure I have an abnormal convex curvature of the upper spine. 
4688
4689Why doesn't Viagra work on chavs? 'Cos they only get hard when they've got ten mates behind them. 
4690
4691First we had mad cow disease, then bird flu and now swine flu. 
4692What the fuck is this?Farmageddon?
4693
4694Are orphans allowed to watch PG movies? 
4695
4696What lies on its back, one hundred feet in the air? A dead centipede. 
4697
4698BIGAMIST: A heavy fog in Essex 
4699
4700Maths and alcohol don't mix. Don't drink and derive. 
4701
4702Xerox and Wurlitzer are going to merge and make reproductive organs. 
4703
4704It was so cold last winter that I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets. 
4705
4706To do is to be. - Descartes 
4707To be is to do. - Voltaire 
4708Do be do be do. - Sinatra 
4709
4710I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. 
4711
4712If only the good die young then what does that say about senior citizens? 
4713
4714If space & time are the same as Einstein said, can you be five miles late? 
4715
4716I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. 
4717
4718Practice safe eating-always use condiments. 
4719
4720
4721Men to women:- 
4722
4723..If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong? 
4724
4725.. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out. 
4726
4727..If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear. 
4728
4729..If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. 
4730
4731..Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest. 
4732
4733------------------------------ 
4734
4735What's the difference between a mugger and a peeping Tom? A mugger snatches watches. 
4736
4737What's the difference between a dog and a fox? About eight pints. 
4738
4739A woman tells her friend she's received a bunch of flowers from her husband. 
4740"I suppose I'll have to spend the entire weekend on my back with my legs in the air," she says 
4741"Why, don't you have a vase?" 
4742
4743Did you hear about the new blonde paint? It's not real bright, but it's cheap, and spreads easy. 
4744
4745When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty. 
4746
4747Employee performance evaluation quotes:- 
4748
4749"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig." 
4750
4751"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap" 
4752
4753"This young lady has delusions of adequacy" 
4754
4755"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them" 
4756
4757"This employee should go far, and the sooner the better" 
4758
4759"He would argue with a signpost" 
4760
4761"He has knack for making strangers immediately" 
4762
4763"He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room" 
4764
4765"Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming" 
4766
4767"If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change" 
4768
4769"The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead" 
4770
4771------------------------- 
4772
4773
4774Where does Spiderman watch porn? 
4775On the web 
4776
4777My mate married a Czech girl who took 5 hours to Hoover the living room.... 
4778...Maybe she was a Slo Vac 
4779
4780Police believe murdered MI6 operative Gareth Williams may have been killed by a gay lover, as Williams was a Mince Spy. 
4781
4782I went to the butchers yesterday and he offered me 50 quid to reach these two pieces of meat on the top shelf! 
4783I said no, the steaks are too high 
4784
4785BBC News: Trapped Chile miners get supplies 
4786I didn’t realise collecting peppers was so dangerous, let alone underground 
4787
4788Wanna know how to make a duck into a soul singer? 
4789Put it under the grill 'til it's Bill Withers 
4790
4791First thing this morning, there was a tap on my door. 
4792Funny sense of humour my plumber has. 
4793
4794Police have finally admitted they got it wrong in the shooting of Jean Charles de Menez. 
4795It was his naughty brother Dennis they were after. 
4796
4797Here’s a great tip for you: if you install the French versions of your favourite programmes, they run a lot faster. 
4798
4799I see that Stephen Hawking is ill in the hospital. 
4800Have they tried turning him off and then back on again? 
4801
4802Yesterday evening I had to change a lightbulb, a bit later on I crossed the road, then walked into a bar. 
4803I began to realised my life was one big joke. 
4804
4805Apparently David Hasselhoff is changing his name to David Hoff, he can't be arsed with the Hassel anymore. 
4806
4807What's the difference between Yes and No.. 
4808Rohypnol 
4809
4810If Paul the Octopus had put a bet on all his predictions he'd have been squids in by now 
4811
4812I just bought some Sainsbury's sausages, and there's a picture of Jamie Oliver on the front. On the back it says 'prick with fork', can’t argue with that! 
4813
4814Did you hear about the nervous nurse who accidentally dropped a baby she was delivering? 
4815She was having a mid-wife crisis. 
4816
4817I’m always polite and courteous when I build anything, 
4818I’m a civil engineer. 
4819
4820Why do seagulls have wings? 
4821So they can beat the gypsies to the tip. 
4822
4823How does Raoul Moat collect his thoughts? 
4824With a squeegee. 
4825
4826I put a dart board on the ceiling yesterday but I don't like using it because it makes me throw up. 
4827
4828How can you tell a head nurse?. 
4829She's the one with the sore knees! 
4830
4831I hung my England shirt out on the washing line last night, went to fetch it this morning and some bastard had nicked my pegs. 
4832
4833Is karate for amputees called partial arts? 
4834Just went outside and got hit on the head with a lasagne and a black forest gateaux. Must be the fallout from iceland. 
4835
4836Politicians are like nappies. They need changing regularly. And for the same reason. 
4837
4838I went for a date on ecstasy last night. 
4839It's far better than speed dating. 
4840
4841Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back. 
4842
4843If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand. 
4844
4845How come you never see the headline:- "Psychic Wins Lottery"? 
4846
4847Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? 
4848
4849Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat. 
4850
4851I've spent all day searching for a U2 CD... 
4852...but I still haven't found what I'm looking for. 
4853
4854
4855I was walking along the street when a police officer approached me and asked:- "Where were you between 5 and 11?" :- "at primary school" I replied 
4856
4857
4858How does a Chinese bloke make a beer recipe? 
4859With a brewprint. 
4860
4861What do you call a Frenchman who has been knighted? 
4862Sir Ender 
4863
4864
4865John Prescott - A man who can light up a room... 
4866...by moving away from the window. 
4867
4868A man came up to me and said, "Knock knock .." 
4869I said, "You must be joking". 
4870
4871Get your money on the Irish horse ‘Priests Leap’ at 240-1 in the Grand National, it’s bound to come from behind to take it. 
4872
4873
4874I went to a pub quiz with a couple of mates, in Moss Side. First question was ''What the fuck are you looking at?'' 
4875
4876A tip for the Grand National: 
4877There's a 50/1 outsider called Creosote. 
4878It's good over fences. 
4879
4880What happens when you mix up your Viagra and laxatives? 
4881It makes you crap in bed. 
4882
4883What do you call a hi-fi that will never let you down? A sound system! 
4884
4885I gave my ex girlfriend crabs, I think that was the reason she left me, giving her such ridiculous birthday presents. 
4886
4887I pretended to be an African tribal doctor for a day. 
4888Shaman me. 
4889
4890I'm sick and tired of people saying that Americans are all fat and unhealthy. 
4891They're just mall nourished. 
4892
4893A lorry carrying onions has overturned on the M62. 
4894Police are urging motorists to find a hard shoulder to cry on 
4895
4896I wish I was the environment 
4897At least that's getting fucked. 
4898
4899If I have one vice it's to be screwed against the side of a bench 
4900
4901Just heard NASA are sending 4 women into space today. 
4902They're just trying to prove that no space is big enough for a woman to park in. 
4903
4904Woke up this morning to a load of bloody bills on the doormat. 
4905Those ducknappers mean business. 
4906
4907What do you call a former French president who drives a taxi? 
4908Francois Meter-on. 
4909
4910
4911What do police earn at night? 
4912Cu (NO3)2 
4913
4914What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? 
4915The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. 
4916
4917Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking? 
4918Because those men already have boyfriends. 
4919
4920People in glass cake shops. 
4921Shouldn't throw scones 
4922
4923A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: "A beer please, and one for the road." 
4924
4925Deja moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before. 
4926
4927I wrote a book on penguins, on reflection, paper would have been better. 
4928
4929Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies. 
4930
4931What's the difference between a porcupine and a Volvo? 
4932A porcupine has the pricks on the outside. 
4933
4934A fireman runs into a classroom holding a screwdriver and yells: 
4935"Quick, everyone get out. This is not a drill!" 
4936
4937I met a smelly goose the other day. It honked. 
4938
4939I rolled up a stiff carpet and smoked it. I'm on the hard rugs 
4940
4941Who is the coolest guy in a hospital ? – The ultra sound guy 
4942
4943
4944Ah...The irony of playing a game of chess against your Czech mate 
4945
4946Did you hear about the two gays in a phone box? 
4947They were ringing each other 
4948
4949A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load 
4950of terrapins, it was a turtle disaster. 
4951
4952I ordered a chair for my mother in law but I had to send it back. 
4953There was nowhere to plug it in. 
4954
4955Just drove past Selhurst Park and saw two tickets nailed to a fence, I thought to myself "I'll 'ave them!". Can never have enough nails. 
4956
4957Saw a shoplifter being arrested this morning by an albino policeman. I thought to myself, "That's a fair cop." 
4958
4959My wife asked me to fix a plug for her this morning. 
4960I refused. 
4961
4962Had a Tug at work today, 
4963I'm a Harbour Master. 
4964
4965Just found a new position in the Kama Sutra called " The Plumber", 
4966you both get to stay in all day but no one cums...! 
4967
4968
4969I brought back a large stone from Ireland as a souvenir but it's turned out to be something else. It's a sham rock. 
4970
4971How much does it cost a pirate to get his ears pierced? About a buck an ear... 
4972
4973After the success of the Harry Potter series, Bloomsbury have commissioned a new book. It's quite similar to Harry Potter, full of fantastic character, magic and 100% fiction, it's called The Bible. 
4974
4975
4976The owners of a dog which swallowed a diamond worth £12000 had to wait three days until it re-emerged. With a bit of planning it could have been a nice way to propose. 
4977
4978My girlfriend joined a gym the other day but she quit after the 1st session because women wouldn't stop coming on to her. Turns out it wasn't a gym it was a lezza centre. 
4979
4980Just seen on the side of a van "Robert and Robert Painters and Decorators" Sounds like a two bob outfit to me. 
4981
4982
4983'Pope knocked out in 1st round of the Vatican chess comp'. Apparently he doesn't know the difference between a Bishop and a Queen 
4984
4985Porn makes my calves tense up and my toes pointy, being really short makes the top shelves hard to reach. 
4986
4987Did you hear about the wooden Japanese athlete? He was a splinter. 
4988
4989
4990When I die I want to go quietly in my sleep like my Grandfather....... Not screaming like his passengers. 
4991
4992I'm glad I'm not bisexual. I couldn't stand being rejected by men as well as women. 
4993
4994Apparently, before his death, Bernard Manning was going to team up with Robbie Williams and form a boy band called F**k That 
4995
4996I was reading a book...'the history of glue' - I couldn't put it down. 
4997
4998The man who invented the zip fastener was today honoured with a lifetime peerage. He'll now be known as the Lord of the Flies. 
4999
5000Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder 
5001
5002I bought a clock that runs on batteries. When I got it home I realized they'd given me the wrong one. I think it was a wind up. 
5003
5004Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals. 
5005
5006Politicians can be ok, as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, like working for a living. 
5007
5008.
5009
5010I'm addicted to placebo's, I'd give them up but it wouldn't make any difference!! 
5011
5012Jigsaw murderer falls to pieces at trial and gets sentenced to 4 years and over 
5013
5014The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy 
5015
5016My 90 year old grandmother has finally lost her marbles. So now she insists on playing dominoes all bleeding day. 
5017
5018The Premature Ejaculation Society are holding their annual dinner dance next Friday, dress code:- come in your pants 
5019
5020Inside every Russian lady... There's another Russian lady. 
5021
5022I absolutely hate being schizophrenic. Best thing in the world. 
5023
5024I have a great book about the Velvet Underground in my bathroom. Well, everyone needs a loo read. 
5025
5026If all else fails, stop using all else. 
5027
5028I've just realized that tofu is over-rated, it's just a curd to me. 
5029
5030My girlfriend and I like to dress up as Adrian Balboa and Apollo Creed, I think we're going through a Rocky patch. 
5031
5032I'm going on a blind date tonight. I hope our dogs get on. 
5033
5034I just booked a Chinese Journey tribute act to sing at my funeral - All together now "Don't stop bereaving!" 
5035
5036I couldn't find the oxo cubes anywhere in our local shop today. They must have been out of stock. 
5037
5038My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant 
5039
5040The nice part about living in a small town is when I don't know what I'm doing, someone else does. 
5041
5042I've just been on Dragon's Den with my automatic blow job machine. Didn't go down very well. 
5043
50442 nuns cycling down a cobbled street... 
5045One says to the other, "I've never come this way before".. 
5046The other replies.. "Must be the cobbles". 
5047
5048BOOKSHOP OWNERS. To annoy Christians, place the bible in the fiction section of your shop. Which is where it belongs anyway. 
5049
5050Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 
5051
5052Dont forget today is about that amazing kind man who helps strangers, died and was reborn... HAPPY DOCTOR WHO DAY EVERYONE!!! 
5053
5054A man walked into a urine sample centre yesterday and stole 5 bottles of urine, but then returned the empty bottles. He was just taking the piss. 
5055
5056What do you call kids with lisps born in whorehouses? Brothel sprouts 
5057
5058We welcome our new sponsor: Dickens Cider "My wife loves it. Nothing warms her up on a cold day like a nice hot Dickens Cider." 
5059
5060You know what really floats my boat? Buoyancy. 
5061
5062Manchester City have sold Shaun Wright-Phillips to Madonna. 
5063
5064I hear that a scottish epileptic is expecting a wii fit for Christmas. 
5065
5066Sign in a pet shop window: "Free legless parakeet. No perches necessary." 
5067
5068I was at a fancy dress party last night and saw a bloke dressed as James Bond, with a sheep under his arm and mashed potato on his head. He was a shepherd spy. 
5069
5070My wife came home from work crying yesterday and asked me to console her. So I hit her over the head with my Xbox. 
5071
5072Got an e-mail today from a "bored housewife 32, looking for some action!" So I sent her my ironing, that'll keep her busy! 
5073
5074I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said, "Morning." He replied, "No, just having a shit." 
5075
5076Katie Price One of the few people in the world who can use their personality as a contraceptive. 
5077
5078Our ice-cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself. 
5079
5080I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet. 
5081
5082Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. 
5083
5084The cannibal's cookbook titled 'How to Better Serve your Fellow Man' was written by a guy who had a wife and ate kids 
5085
5086If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed. 
5087
5088A hungry traveller stops at a monastery and is taken to the kitchens. A brother is frying chips. 'Are you the friar?' he asks. 'No. I'm the chip monk,' he replies. 
5089
5090I live near a remedial school. There is a sign that says, slow... children. That can't be good for their self esteem. But look of course on the positive side, they can't read it. 
5091
5092I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me 
5093
5094Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. 
5095
5096P Diddy to buy Crystal Palace FC ? He must have misread the advert ? Probably thinks he's buying a huge pile of rap ? 
5097
5098I ate a broken record for lunch. Now it's repeating on me. 
5099
5100What does an agnostic dyslexic do when experiencing insomnia?:- Sit up all night wondering if there really is a dog. 
5101
5102My mate said the drink I bought him tasted funny. It was a cheap shot. 
5103
5104I've tried and tried but I just can't persuade Keith Chegwin to come out on the lash with me. Oh well. I guess cheggers can't be boozers. 
5105
5106I always go to work wearing baggy trousers in honour of my favourite band. My wife thinks it's Madness. 
5107
5108I was dancing with this woman but she had no sense of direction and kept bumping into everybody. Bloody women jivers. 
5109
5110I was driving down the road when I ran over some humus. A little further on, I hit taramasalata. Then I saw a road sign: 'Caution - dips in road’ 
5111
5112100 bottles of antibacterial hand gel stuck in customs, they want £150 to release them. The owner's washed his hands of the matter. 
5113
5114I have just spotted a cheating French footballer playing on my games console,it was Thierry on Wii. 
5115
5116Did you hear about the Chinese man murdered in the storage cupboard? 
5117He was taken by supplies
5118
5119What do you call the bloke that butchers sheep in a slaughterhouse? 
5120The Laminator 
5121
5122After reading about the evils of drinking, I’ve decided to give up reading 
5123
5124If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? 
5125The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in. 
5126
5127A bloke in leather shorts and tight vest top came up to me, gave me his number and said, "You look like you could use some fun. Call me." 
5128I'm going to call him tomorrow. Hopefully he'll take me to Alton Towers or something. 
5129
5130Why are there no casinos in China? 
5131Cause the Chinese hate Tibet. 
5132
5133I saw a woman in the high street today selling novelty size mobile phones; 
5134She had the biggest pair of Nokias I've ever seen. 
5135
5136Police have discovered a terrorist plot to put bombs in tins of alphabet soup, 
5137if one goes off it could spell disaster. 
5138
5139My friend Sid has started calling himself S. 
5140He's had to, someone stole his ID. 
5141
5142I met a girl with a pint on her head at the pub last night, her name was Beatrix. 
5143
5144I just got a fright from a chinese travel agent. 
5145
5146As the old man stood in front of him in his robes clutching his wand, Harry Potter regretted transferring to catholic school. 
5147
5148Why did the chicken cross the playground? 
5149To get to the other slide. 
5150
5151I bought some Dorito swimming trunks today, I might go for a dip later. 
5152
5153Just found out my new toaster isn't waterproof, I was shocked. 
5154
5155A Brazilian sent off because the opposition claimed they got hit in the face 
5156France in disarray after cheating their way into the tournament. Karma ? 
5157
5158I was put off religion at an early age, my dad said that it's not normal to talk to imaginary friends. 
5159
5160What does DNA stand for? 
5161National Dyslexic Association. 
5162
5163I've just seen this Policeman dancing around the street, barking like a dog and exposing himself. 
5164It's PC gone mad. 
5165
5166I was up in the attic recently, and found my granddad’s old wig weaving machine. 
5167It's a family hair loom 
5168
5169How come when your Wife's pregnant all her female friends rub her tummy and say congratulations, but none of them rub your dick and say well done? 
5170
5171Before my mate died, his profession was a roofer. 
5172I like to think he's still up there somewhere. 
5173
5174' Your Toyota is My Toyota ' - something tells me this advert was made by a Scouser. 
5175
5176Robert Green's agent has been quick to defend the player, saying that he still has a glittering future ahead of him. 
5177In Scotland. 
5178
5179
5180Hedgehogs; Why can't they just share the hedge? 
5181
5182I came home and found my mum slumped in her chair with needles in her arms. 
5183She always falls asleep when she’s knitting. 
5184
5185How do you stop a French tank? 
5186Say 'boo!' 
5187
5188I've started working for a bicycle wheel making company. 
5189I'm the spokesman. 
5190
5191I just got a letter in the post offering me a heavy duty protective metal vest for half the normal price. 
5192I ignored it, I hate chain mail. 
5193
5194I went to London on a stag do last week and had sex with a model. 
5195I was then thrown out of Madame Tussauds. 
5196
5197I used to have a job in origami. 
5198Until the company folded. 
5199
5200On a shit night out I got asked how I still manage to stay so upbeat and happy, 
5201With E's, I replied. 
5202
5203
5204Sex and the City, a dull, vacuous story about 3 women and their pet horse. 
5205
5206I once made a submarine out of polystyrene. 
5207It didn't go down very well. 
5208
5209Just read a book on the psychology of camping, 
5210It was in tents 
5211
5212I was born to be a pessimist. 
5213My blood type is B Negative. 
5214
5215Got caught sniffing Tippex the other day. 
5216I've been admitted to a correction centre. 
5217
5218My singing coach is such a selfish bastard. 
5219It's always bloody mi mi mi with him. 
5220
5221Apparently the word "Gypsy" isn't politically correct anymore, 
5222they are now to be called Caravan Utilising Nomadic Travellers 
5223
5224Why does an elephant have four feet? 
5225Six inches isn't enough. 
5226
5227Statistically 6 out of 7 dwarves aren't Happy. 
5228
5229With the most spectacular murders and suicide of recent times, I wonder if some tabloids half considered using the headline 'Bird's Dream Topping', but bottled it. 
5230A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip. 
5231
5232If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea... does that mean that one enjoys it? 
5233
5234Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. 
5235
5236Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich. 
5237
5238The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list. 
5239
5240Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. 
5241
5242How are women and tornadoes alike? 
5243They wail and moan when they come, and take the house when they leave. 
5244
5245Give fat people a break, don't they have enough on there plates. 
5246
5247
5248The disembodied limbs of a Bradford prostitute were found tied up in plastic bags. 
5249Police believe it's the work of the Yorkshire Wrapper. 
5250
5251A mate of mine accused me of acting French yesterday. 
5252I had to surrender the point. 
5253
5254How does a Welshman eat his cheese? Caerphilly 
5255
5256I threw a biscuit at my neighbour the other day, but he ducked. 
5257Jammy dodger. 
5258
5259I always wondered why there were so many confused looking fat people in the crowd at Kettering Football Club. 
5260Then I realised their initials... 
5261
5262What do you call an actor who berates the bible? 
5263Christian Slater 
5264
5265Rats are under rated. Just check your dictionary. 
5266
5267Apparently Ray Alan, the ventriloquist who died this week, was said to have committed suicide. The police found his body next to a bottle of pills and a gottle of geer. 
5268
5269A fisherman was trying to learn the alphabet. 
5270He got lost at C. 
5271
5272I couldn't find the TV channel changer, so I asked the kids if they'd seen it. 
5273They said she left me yesterday. 
5274
5275I went to a military barracks canteen recently, 
5276It was a mess. 
5277
5278My doctor told me that I'd be lucky to reach 50. 
5279That's the last time I give him a lift in my Robin Reliant. 
5280
5281People think being a hostage is hard. 
5282I could do it with my hands tied behind my back. 
5283
5284News headlines: 'geography teacher goes missing'. 
5285Irony is a bitch. 
5286
5287I just got home to find my wife had polished off the whole bag of fresh prawns I bought. 
5288That's shellfish. 
5289
5290Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep. 
5291
5292Annoyed parent asks son, "How often do you lose bits of your Scalextric?" 
5293"Don't know", he said. "I've lost track". 
5294
5295
5296What do you have when a politician is buried up to his neck in sand? 
5297Not enough sand. 
5298
5299What’s the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute? 
5300One stops screwing you after you’re dead. 
5301
5302How many Frenchmen does it take to defend France? 
5303Don't know, never been tried 
5304
5305What do you call a sheep with no legs? 
5306A cloud 
5307
5308What do Gynaecologists and Pizza Delivery Men have in common? 
5309They always get to sniff it, but never get to eat it. 
5310
5311A new sequel to The Exorcist is being filmed. In this version a woman hires the Devil to get a Priest out of her son. 
5312
5313What happens when you give a politician some Viagra? 
5314He gets taller 
5315
5316Went to the zoo and the only animal there was a dog. 
5317It was a Shi Tzu 
5318
5319What do a toy electric train and a woman's breasts have in common? 
5320They’re both meant for children but you can’t keep the dads off them. 
5321
5322Guts is arriving home late after a night out with the lads, being met at the staircase by your wife with a broom, and having the nerve to ask: "Are you still cleaning or just going flying somewhere?" 
5323
5324Hear about the man whose credit card was stolen but decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did?. 
5325
5326What was the best thing before sliced bread? 
5327
5328Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics? 
5329
5330My wife started horse riding to try and lose weight. 
5331It worked. The horse lost 30lbs in thirty days. 
5332
5333I was the teacher's pet when I was at school. 
5334She couldn't afford a dog. 
5335
5336My auntie Marge has been ill for so long we changed her name to " I cant believe she’s not better " 
5337
5338I got lucky with this girl the other night at her place, and I couldn’t help but notice the quality of the sumptuous carpet we were on, it was quite a Shag. 
5339
5340Bono, avoid further back injury by not standing so close to The Edge when you're on stage. 
5341
5342
5343My mother-in-law came in to work at lunch today and I must admit, I was genuinely pleased to see her.---I'm an undertaker. 
5344
5345When one man suffers from delusion its called Insanity, 
5346When mass amounts of people suffer from delusion its called Religion. 
5347
5348So I phoned up the spiritual leader of tibet, he sent me a large goat with a long neck, turns out I phoned dial a lama. 
5349
5350Shopping for OXO cubes, I saw beef, chicken, lamb, vegetable and Crystal Palace, so I asked the shop assistant "what’s the Palace one?" she said- "its new out, its the laughing stock" 
5351
5352I've got a new job working at a smoothie bar. 
5353I'm blending in well. 
5354
5355I walked in to find the mother in law lying down,
5356the wife wasn't too pleased when I said, "I think it's going to rain." 
5357
5358My mate told me he was once blind-folded and put into a gay porno. 
5359He didn't know what came over him.
5360
5361What do you get when you mix a Granny Smith with a Welshman ? 
5362A Taffy Apple. 
5363
5364The sex last night was so good that even the neighbours had a cigarette. 
5365
5366Bad officials are elected by good citizens 
5367who do not vote. 
5368
5369What do you call a smart blonde? 
5370A golden retriever. 
5371
5372I've just got hold of a lorry load of flat batteries. 
5373They were free of charge. 
5374
5375What do Athletico Madrid and God have in common? 
5376Neither of them are real. 
5377
5378I just watched the Greek riots on the news. 
5379The whole place is in ruins. 
5380
5381I find it strange that Peter Crouch has been chosen to promote Pringles. 
5382Is he really that popular or is it just because the picture of him fits so well on the tin? 
5383
5384Why don't Master Card and Visa work well in France 
5385They do not know how to say "CHARGE!" 
5386
5387
5388Ever hear about the constipated accountant? 
5389He tried to work it out with a pen., but he couldn't budget! 
5390
5391In a nutshell... there's a nut 
5392
5393I impulsively bought a cat despite my allergies, 
5394I later realized that it was a rash decision. 
5395
5396I can sympathise for a lot of the priests who committed sexual offences. 
5397Most of them started out as altar boys and got sucked into it. 
5398
5399John Higgins is innocent! 
5400I'm convinced he's being framed! 
5401
5402What's the difference between a wife and a job. 
5403A: After 5 years, the job still sucks. 
5404
5405I'm starting to think that I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample, there was an olive was in it. 
5406
5407What did the duck say when he bought lipstick? 
5408Put it on my bill. 
5409
5410What do you get when you cross a cow with a duck? 
5411Milk and quackers. 
5412
5413I bought some French paving slabs for my garden today, 
5414or white flags as they’re better known. 
5415
5416A man askes his companion, "What's the most common French expression"? His friend scratches his head, shrugs his shoulders and replies, "I give up!" 
5417
5418You really do have to hand it to the French...After all, they won't fight for it. 
5419
5420Baggy trousers, dirty shirt 
5421Pulling hair and eating dirt 
5422Teacher needs the mob to quell 
5423Back of the 'ead with a metal dumbbell 
5424
5425
5426So Greece are in financial meltdown and need to be bailed out. I blame Shane Richie., he was a crap Danny Zuko. 
5427
5428For her birthday Paul Mcartney bought his ex, 
5429Heather Mcartney a plane, but she'll still have to use a razor on the other leg! 
5430
5431I had a great birthday today, but the cake gave me heartburn, next time I’ll take off the candles!! 
5432
5433
5434When I was a child this priest told me I was the cutest looking boy he'd ever seen. I was touched. 
5435
5436Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers. 
5437
5438Police are investigating a tip off about a robbery taking place this afternoon at the Heinz factory...Sauce Unknown. 
5439
5440I challenged my friend to a game of wii sports. 
5441He pissed all over me. 
5442
5443A Central European trampolining team have gone bankrupt. They were bouncing Czechs. 
5444
5445I tried to cover the kitchen floor using a minimal number of slates... but it was a futile effort 
5446
5447I got a new job installing mirrors. 
5448It was something I could always see myself doing 
5449
5450Tired people? 
5451Vote UKIP. 
5452
5453Did you hear about the psychiatrist who kept his wife under the bed? He thought she was a little potty. 
5454
5455Why did the paedophile cross the road? 
5456To get to church and tend his congregation. 
5457
5458The best way to make an apple crumble is to torture it for 10 minutes. 
5459
5460I called my local builder round for a quote on my kitchen, certainly he said:- 
5461
5462"The kitchen is a country in which there are always discoveries to be made" - 
5463Grimod de la Reyniere, 1758-1838 
5464
5465
5466My granddad was killed by a steam train, he was chuffed to bits. 
5467
5468Bus company Arriva have been taken over by a German bus company. 
5469There was no announcement - the drivers just came in to work and found towels on their seats. 
5470
5471I've just seen a huge Egyptian woman sticking her arse out the window of a car. 
5472It was a two-ton car moon. 
5473
5474
5475My girlfriend asked me what DVD’s I’d like to watch with her. I told her to get lost. 
5476Turns out Lost is some TV series! 
5477
5478I went to a land auction today and just at the crucial bidding moment my phone rang, by the time I had hung up the auction had finished. 
5479I lost the plot. 
5480
5481I was playing poker the other night, and I ran out of cash, so I slapped some meat on the table. 
5482I was raising the steaks. 
5483
5484
5485I got some of those new world cup walkers crisps today, and they were actually really nice. 
5486Especially the Korean ones, they're the dogs bollocks 
5487
5488Long distance relationships are like fat people... 
5489They very rarely work out. 
5490
5491If smoking is so bad for you, how come it can cure dead salmon? 
5492
5493
5494What do dentist's call x-rays? 
5495Tooth pics 
5496
5497I've just swallowed some flour, speed and viagra. 
5498I'm coming thick and fast 
5499
5500I thought growing my own lettuce would be difficult but it was quite easy in the end. 
5501It's not rocket science. 
5502
5503I had a dream last night that i was with the grim reaper cutting carrots into small chunks... 
5504..i was dicing with death