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1When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.;
2Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.;
3There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.;
4Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.;
5Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.;
6Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.;
7Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.;
8Chuck Norris counted to infinity – twice.;
9There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.;
10When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.;
11Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.;
12Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.;
13Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.;
14Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.;
15Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.;
16Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.;
17Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.;
18Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.;
19If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.;
20There is no ‘ctrl’ button on Chuck Norris’s computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.;
21Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song.;
22Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.;
23Chuck Norris can eat just one Lay’s potato chip.;
24Chuck Norris is suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.;
25Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.;
26Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.;
27When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 numbers, he doesnt get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out.;
28Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.;
29Some people like to eat frogs’ legs. Chuck Norris likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.;
30There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.;
31When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald’s because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy’s.;
32Chuck Norris can’t finish a “color by numbers” because his markers are filled with the blood of his victims. Unfortunately, all blood is dark red.;
33A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.;
34When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn’t get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.;
35Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick).;
36Chuck Norris’ house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.;
37How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? …All of it.;
38Chuck Norris doesn’t actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.;
39In honor of Chuck Norris, all McDonald’s in Texas have an even larger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be Chucksized.;
40Chuck Norris CAN believe it’s not butter.;
41If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could power the country of Australia for 44 minutes.;
42Chuck Norris can divide by zero.;
43The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.;
44A picture is worth a thousand words. A Chuck Norris is worth 1 billion words.;
45Newton’s Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.;
46Chuck Norris invented his own type of karate. It’s called Chuck-Will-Kill.;
47When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.;
48While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.;
49Chuck Norris once sued the Houghton-Mifflin textbook company when it became apparent that their account of the war of 1812 was plagiarized from his autobiography.;
50When Chuck Norris talks, everybody listens. And dies.;
51When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide. When Chuck Norris kills a ninja, he uses every part.;
52Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Chuck Norris to go around.;
53Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.;
54For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.;
55Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego.;
56When taking the SAT, write “Chuck Norris” for every answer. You will score over 8000.;
57Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.;
58When you’re Chuck Norris, anything + anything is equal to 1. One roundhouse kick to the face.;
59Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.;
60On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.;
61Nobody doesn’t like Sara Lee. Except Chuck Norris.;
62Chuck Norris doesn’t throw up if he drinks too much. Chuck Norris throws down!.;
63In the beginning there was nothing…then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said “Get a job”. That is the story of the universe.;
64Chuck Norris has 12 moons. One of those moons is the Earth.;
65Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.;
66Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined “victim” as “one who has encountered Chuck Norris”.;
67Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.;
68Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.;
69If you Google search “Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked” you will generate zero results. It just doesn’t happen.;
70Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in thirty-seven seconds.;
71Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther’s womb.;
72Chuck Norris doesn’t bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.;
73The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.;
74It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.;
75You know how they say if you die in your dream then you will die in real life? In actuality, if you dream of death then Chuck Norris will find you and kill you.;
76Chuck Norris has a deep and abiding respect for human life… unless it gets in his way.;
77The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked one of the corners off.;
78There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.;
79Chuck Norris doesn’t believe in Germany.;
80When Chuck Norris is in a crowded area, he doesn’t walk around people. He walks through them.;
81Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.;
82James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.;
83Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.;
84Thousands of years ago Chuck Norris came across a bear. It was so terrified that it fled north into the arctic. It was also so terrified that all of its decendents now have white hair.;
85Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.;
86It takes 14 puppeteers to make Chuck Norris smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.;
87Chuck Norris is responsible for China’s over-population. He hosted a Karate tournament in Beijing and all women within 1,000 miles became pregnant instantly.;
88Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.;
89Chuck Norris once worked as a weatherman for the San Diego evening news. Every night he would make the same forecast: Partly cloudy with a 75% chance of Pain.;
90Simply by pulling on both ends, Chuck Norris can stretch diamonds back into coal.;
91When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.;
92Chuck Norris invented the bolt-action rifle, liquor, sexual intercourse, and football– in that order.;
93A high tide means Chuck Norris is flying over your coast. The tide is caused by God pissing his pants.;
94Chuck Norris keeps his friends close and his enemies closer. Close enough to drop them with one round house kick to the face.;
95There is in fact an “I” in Norris, but there is no “team”… not even close.;
96Scotty in Star Trek often says “Ye cannae change the laws of physics.” This is untrue. Chuck Norris can change the laws of physics. With his fists.;
97Chuck Norris doesn’t stub his toes. He accidentally destroys chairs, bedframes, and sidewalks.;
98Using his trademark roundhouse kick, Chuck Norris once made a fieldgoal in RJ Stadium in Tampa Bay from the 50 yard line of Qualcomm stadium in San Diego.;
99Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks don’t really kill people. They wipe out their entire existence from the space-time continuum.;
100Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.;
101Tom Clancy has to pay royalties to Chuck Norris because “The Sum of All Fears” is the name of Chuck Norris’ autobiography.;
102Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.;
103Chuck Norris is expected to win gold in every swimming competition at the 2008 Beijing Olympics, even though Chuck Norris does not swim. This is because when Chuck Norris enters the water, the water gets out of his way and Chuck Norris simply walks across the pool floor.;
104Chuck Norris built a better mousetrap, but the world was too frightened to beat a path to his door.;
105The original draft of The Lord of the Rings featured Chuck Norris instead of Frodo Baggins. It was only 5 pages long, as Chuck roundhouse-kicked Sauron’s ass halfway through the first chapter.;
106Hellen Keller’s favorite color is Chuck Norris.;
107Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the “Circle of Life”.;
108If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Chuck Norris would ever fight himself, he’d win. Period.;
109Chuck Norris is currently suing myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.;
110The crossing lights in Chuck Norris’s home town say “Die slowly” and “die quickly”. They each have a picture of Chuck Norris punching or kicking a pedestrian.;
111Science Fact: Roundhouse kicks are comprised primarily of an element called Chucktanium.;
112The Sherman tank was originaly called the Norris tank until Chuck Norris decided it wasn’t tough enough to be associated with him. The Army, for fear of Chuck Norris, renamed the tank and promised to develop a weapon more fitting of his name. To date, no weapon created has been badass enough to be named after Chuck Norris.;
113Chuck Norris proved that we are alone in the universe. We weren’t before his first space expedition.;
114Superman once watched an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger. He then cried himself to sleep.;
115Chuck Norris doesn’t step on toes. Chuck Norris steps on necks.;
116The movie “Delta Force” was extremely hard to make because Chuck had to downplay his abilities. The first few cuts were completely unbelievable.;
117Movie trivia: The movie “Invasion U.S.A.” is, in fact, a documentary.;
118Chuck Norris does not “style” his hair. It lays perfectly in place out of sheer terror.;
119There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.;
120A study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart disease, 2. Chuck Norris, 3. Cancer.;
121It’s widely believed that Jesus was Chuck Norris’ stunt double for crucifixion due to the fact that it is impossible for nails to pierce Chuck Norris’ skin.;
122Chuck Norris did in fact, build Rome in a day.;
123Along with his black belt, Chuck Norris often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.;
124Anytime someone is elected president in the United States, they must ask permission from Chuck Norris to live in the White House. The reason for this is because Chuck Norris had won every Federal, State, and Local election since 1777. He just allows others to run the country in his place.;
125Once you go Norris, you are physically unable to go back.;
126Ninjas want to grow up to be just like Chuck Norris. But usually they grow up just to be killed by Chuck Norris.;
127Chuck Norris once sued Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr, insisting that that actually is “his” way.;
128The last thing you hear before Chuck Norris gives you a roundhouse kick? No one knows because dead men tell no tales.;
129Chuck Norris doesn’t play god. Playing is for children.;
130Chuck Norris is the only person in the world that can actually email a roundhouse kick.;
131Chuck Norris won super bowls VII and VIII singlehandedly before unexpectedly retiring to pursue a career in ass-kicking.;
132Wo hu cang long. The translation from Mandarin Chinese reads: “Crouching Chuck, Hidden Norris”.;
133Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.;
134Some kids play Kick the can. Chuck Norris played Kick the keg.;
135‘Icy-Hot’ is too weak for Chuck Norris. After a workout, Chuck Norris rubs his muscles down with liquid-hot MAGMA.;
136Chuck Norris cannot love, he can only not kill.;
137When Chuck Norris was a baby, he didn’t suck his mother’s breast. His mother served him whiskey, straight out of the bottle.;
138According to Einstein’s theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.;
139Chuck Norris once pulled out a single hair from his beard and skewered three men through the heart with it.;
140In an act of great philanthropy, Chuck made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.;
141Chuck Norris’ favourite cut of meat is the roundhouse.;
142When J. Robert Oppenheimer said “I am become death, the destroyer Of worlds”, He was not referring to the atomic bomb. He was referring to the Chuck Norris halloween costume he was wearing.;
143Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.;
144Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don’t be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.;
145If at first you don’t succeed, you’re not Chuck Norris.;
146If Chuck Norris were a calendar, every month would be named Chucktober, and every day he’d kick your ass.;
147Fear is not the only emotion Chuck Norris can smell. He can also detect hope, as in “I hope I don’t get a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris”.;
148Chuck Norris’s show is called Walker: Texas Ranger, because Chuck Norris doesn’t run.;
149MacGyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can roundhouse-kick his head through a wall and take it.;
150Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris.;
151What’s known as the UFC, or Ultimate Fighting Championship, doesn’t use its full name, which happens to be “Ultimate Fighting Championship, Non-Chuck-Norris-Division”.;
152Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with a mixture of iron shavings, industrial paint remover, and wood-grain alcohol.;
153The easiest way to determine Chuck Norris’ age is to cut him in half and count the rings.;
154There is endless debate about the existence of the human soul. Well it does exist, and Chuck Norris finds it delicious.;
155Most boots are made for walkin’. Chuck Norris’ boots ain’t that merciful.;
156The US did not boycott the 1980 Summer Olympics in Moscow due to political reasons: Chuck Norris killed the entire US team with a single round-house kick during TaeKwonDo practice.;
157Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.;
158The Bible was originally titled “Chuck Norris and Friends”.;
159Chuck Norris began selling the Total Gym as an ill-fated attempt to make his day-to-day opponents less laughably pathetic.;
160Do you know why Baskin Robbins only has 31 flavors? Because Chuck Norris doesn’t like Fudge Ripple.;
161When Chuck Norris says “More cowbell”, he MEANS it.;
162On the set of Walker Texas Ranger Chuck Norris brought a dying lamb back to life by nuzzling it with his beard. As the onlookers gathered, the lamb sprang to life. Chuck Norris then roundhouse kicked it, killing it instantly. This was just to prove that the good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.;
163Chuck Norris was what Willis was talkin’ about.;
164Google won’t search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don’t find Chuck Norris, he finds you.;
165Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.;
166Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.;
167It is scientifically impossible for Chuck Norris to have had a mortal father. The most popular theory is that he went back in time and fathered himself.;
168Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.;
169It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That’s true if you want to call Chuck Norris a giant meteor.;
170Chuck Norris shot the sheriff, but he round house kicked the deputy.;
171That’s not Chuck Norris doing push-ups — that’s Chuck Norris moving the Earth away from the path of a deadly asteroid.;
172Chuck Norris can judge a book by its cover.;
173Nothing can escape the gravity of a black hole, except for Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris eats black holes. They taste like chicken.;
174Chuck Norris does not play the lottery. It doesn’t have nearly enough balls.;
175Q: How many Chuck Norris’ does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, Chuck Norris prefers to kill in the dark.;
176As President Roosevelt said: “We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Chuck Norris.”;
177Chuck Norris just says “no” to drugs. If he said “yes”, it would collapse Colombia’s infrastructure.;
178Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse-kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.;
179Crime does not pay – unless you are an undertaker following Walker, Texas Ranger, on a routine patrol.;
180Chuck Norris does not own a house. He walks into random houses and people move.;
181It is better to give than to receive. This is especially true of a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.;
182Chuck Norris is the only person to ever win a staring contest against Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder at the same time.;
183Industrial logging isn’t the cause of deforestation. Chuck Norris needs toothpicks.;
184Chuck Norris smells what the Rock is cooking… because the Rock is Chuck Norris’ personal chef.;
185When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail, his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather, roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.;
186Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.;
187“Brokeback Mountain” is not just a movie. It’s also what Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard.;
188Chuck Norris does not eat. Food understands that the only safe haven from Chuck Norris’ fists is inside his own body.;
189Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK’s head exploded out of sheer amazement.;
190Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.;
191Chuck Norris uses a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.;
192Chuck Norris is not capable of hitting a target on the broad side of a barn. Every time he tries, the whole damn barn falls down.;
193Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with fourteen times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.;
194When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.;
195Chuck Norris kills anyone that asks, “You want fries with that” because by now everyone should know that Chuck doesn’t ever want fries with anything. Ever.;
196Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as Giraffes.;
197Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a Chuck Norris glare will liquefy your kidneys.;
198Human cloning is outlawed because if Chuck Norris were cloned, then it would be possible for a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to meet another chuck Norris roundhouse kick. Physicists theorize that this contact would end the universe.;
199Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.;
200Chuck Norris’s version of a “chocolate milkshake” is a raw porterhouse wrapped around ten Hershey bars, and doused in diesel fuel.;
201If Chuck Norris round-house kicks you, you will die. If Chuck Norris’ misses you with the round-house kick, the wind behind the kick will tear out your pancreas.;
202In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Chuck Norris.;
203Chuck Norris puts his pants on one leg at a time, just like the rest of us. The only difference is, then he kills people.;
204Everybody loves Raymond. Except Chuck Norris.;
205Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn’t hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and accidentally ran into Chuck Norris while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic.;
206Chuck Norris got his drivers license at the age of 16. Seconds.;
207The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.;
208Chuck Norris can win at solitaire with only 18 cards.;
209Chuck Norris once shat blood – the blood of 11,940 natives he had killed and eaten.;
210Maslow’s theory of higher needs does not apply to Chuck Norris. He only has two needs: killing people and finding people to kill.;
211The truth will set you free. Unless Chuck Norris has you, in which case, forget it buddy!.;
212For most people, home is where the heart is. For Chuck Norris, home is where he stores his collection of human skulls.;
213Kryptonite has been found to contain trace elements of Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks to the face. This is why it is so deadly to Superman.;
214Saddam Hussein was not found hiding in a “hole.” Saddam was roundhouse-kicked in the head by Chuck Norris in Kansas, which sent him through the earth, stopping just short of the surface of Iraq.;
215Coroners refer to dead people as “ABC’s”. Already Been Chucked.;
216Chuck Norris doesn’t look both ways before he crosses the street… he just roundhouses any cars that get too close.;
217Chuck Norris does not have to answer the phone. His beard picks up the incoming electrical impulses and translates them into audible sound.;
218How many roundhouse kicks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop? Just one. From Chuck Norris.;
219Chuck Norris doesnt wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.;
220The phrase ‘break a leg’ was originally coined by Chuck Norris’s co-stars in Walker, Texas Ranger as a good luck charm, indicating that a broken leg might be the worst extent of their injuries. This never proved to be the case.;
221When chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.;
222If you rearrange the letters in “Chuck Norris”, they also spell “Crush Rock In”. The words “with his fists” are understood.;
223Never look a gift Chuck Norris in the mouth, because he will bite your damn eyes off.;
224Give a man a fish, and you will feed him for a day. Give a man anything that is better than a fish, and Chuck Norris will beat his ass and take it.;
225Chuck Norris used to play baseball. When Babe Ruth was hailed as the better player, Chuck Norris killed him with a baseball bat to the throat. Lou Gehrig got off easy.;
226The original title for Star Wars was “Skywalker: Texas Ranger”. Starring Chuck Norris.;
227Guantuanamo Bay, Cuba, is the military code-word for “Chuck Norris’ basement”.;
228The phrase ‘balls to the wall’ was originally conceived to describe Chuck Norris entering any building smaller than an aircraft hangar.;
229Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.;
230Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off of bats. Chuck Norris bites the heads off of Siberian Tigers.;
231He who lives by the sword, dies by the sword. He who lives by Chuck Norris, dies by the roundhouse kick.;
232The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry. Even the worst-laid plans of Chuck Norris come off without a hitch.;
233The phrase ‘dead ringer’ refers to someone who sits behind Chuck Norris in a movie theater and forgets to turn their cell phone off.;
234Chuck Norris’ Roundhouse kick is so powerful, that on the set of Sidekicks he single-footedly destroyed Jonathan Brandis’ Career.;
235Staring at Chuck Norris for extended periods of time without proper eye protection will cause blindess, and possibly foot sized brusies on the face.;
236Chuck Norris can taste lies.;
237Chuck Norris does not kick ass and take names. In fact, Chuck Norris kicks ass and assigns the corpse a number. It is currently recorded to be in the billions.;
238One time, Chuck Norris accidentally stubbed his toe. It destroyed the entire state of Ohio.;
239Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked her into a glacier.;
240In 1990, Chuck Norris founded the non-profit organization “Kick Drugs Out of America”. If the organization’s name were “Roundhouse Kick Drugs out of America”, there wouldn’t be any drugs in the Western Hemisphere. Anywhere.;
241Chuck Norris can blow bubbles with beef jerky.;
242They had to edit the first ending of ‘Lone Wolf McQuade’ after Chuck Norris kicked David Carradine’s ass, then proceeded to barbecue and eat him.;
243Chuck Norris does, in fact, live in a round house.;
244Chuck Norris was once on Jeopardy. This show is notable in that it was the first occasion in Jeopardy history that Alex Trebek had appeared without a mustache. And a head.;
2454 out of 5 doctors fail to recommend Chuck Norris as a solution to most problems. Also, 80% of doctors die unexplained, needlessly brutal deaths.;
246Chuck Norris can skeletize a cow in two minutes.;
247The only sure things are Death and Taxes…and when Chuck Norris goes to work for the IRS, they’ll be the same thing.;
248Chuck Norris’ first job was as a paperboy. There were no survivors.;
249With the rising cost of gasoline, Chuck Norris is beginning to worry about his drinking habit.;
250The square root of Chuck Norris is pain. Do not try to square Chuck Norris, the result is death.;
251chuck Norris’ testicles do not produce sperm. They produce tiny white ninjas that recognize only one mission: seek and destroy.;
252To be or not to be? That is the question. The answer? Chuck Norris.;
253Chuck Norris has never been in a fight, ever. Do you call one roundhouse kick to the face a fight?;
254There are two types of people in the world… people that suck, and Chuck Norris.;
255Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.;
256If you were somehow able to land a punch on Chuck Norris your entire arm would shatter upon impact. This is only in theory, since, come on, who in their right mind would try this?.;
25770% of a human’s weight is water. 70% of Chuck Norris’ weight is his dick.;
258Jean-Claude Van Damme once kicked Chuck Norris’ ass. He was then awakened from his dream by a roundhouse kick to the face.;
259The pie scene in “American Pie” is based on a dare Chuck Norris took when he was younger. However, in Chuck Norris’ case, the “pie” was the molten crater of an active volcano.;
260Chuck Norris uses 8’x10′ sheets of plywood as toilet paper.;
261Noah was the only man notified before Chuck Norris relieved himself in the Atlantic Ocean.;
262Chuck Norris once invited all of the other badasses from TV to duke it out in order to see who was the supreme badass. Only two showed up– Jack Bauer and MacGyver.;
263MacGyver immediately tried to make a bomb out of some Q-Tips and Gatorade, but Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the solar plexus. MacGyver promptly threw up his own heart.;
264Jack Bauer tried to use his detailed knowledge of torture techniques, but to no avail: Chuck Norris thrives on pain. Chuck Norris then ripped off Jack Bauer’s arm and beat him to death with it. Game, set, match.;
265Chuck Norris eats steak for every single meal. Most times he forgets to kill the cow.;
266The First Law of Thermodynamics states that energy can neither be created nor destroyed… unless it meets Chuck Norris.;
267Chuck Norris doesn’t go on the internet, he has every internet site stored in his memory. He refreshes webpages by blinking.;
268It is said that looking into Chuck Norris’ eyes will reveal your future. Unfortunately, everybody’s future is always the same: death by a roundhouse-kick to the face.;
269Chuck Norris knows everything there is to know – Except for the definition of mercy.;
270Scientifically speaking, it is impossible to charge Chuck Norris with “obstruction of justice.” This is because even Chuck Norris cannot be in two places at the same time.;
271Chuck Norris never has to wax his skis because they’re always slick with blood.;
272When you say “no one’s perfect”, Chuck Norris takes this as a personal insult.;
273Chuck Norris can win a game of Trivial Pursuit with one roll of the dice, and without answering a single question… just a nod of the head, and a stroke of the beard.;
274182,000 Americans die from Chuck Norris-related accidents every year.;
275Paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, but Chuck Norris beats all 3 at the same time.;
276All roads lead to Chuck Norris. And by the transitive property, a roundhouse kick to the face.;
277If you’re driving down the road and you think Chuck Norris just cut you off, you better thank your lucky stars it wasn’t the other way around.;
278July 4th is Independence day. And the day Chuck Norris was born. Coincidence? i think not.;
279Chuck Norris never goes to the dentist because his teeth are unbreakable. His enemies never go to the dentist because they have no teeth.;
280In the medical community, death is referred to as “Chuck Norris Disease”.;
281Chuck Norris was once in a knife fight, and the knife lost.;
282If you work in an office with Chuck Norris, don’t ask him for his three-hole-punch.;
283In the Words of Julius Caesar, “Veni, Vidi, Vici, Chuck Norris”. Translation: I came, I saw, and I was roundhouse-kicked inthe face by Chuck Norris.;
284The First rule of Chuck Norris is: you do not talk about Chuck Norris.;
285Chuck Norris is widely predicted to be first black president. If you’re thinking to yourself, “But Chuck Norris isn’t black”, then you are dead wrong. And stop being a racist.;
286When Chuck Norris plays Monopoly, it affects the actual world economy.;
287Chuck Norris can be unlocked on the hardest level of Tekken. But only Chuck Norris is skilled enough to unlock himself. Then he roundhouse kicks the Playstation back to Japan.;
288Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.;
289Every time someone uses the word “intense”, Chuck Norris always replies “you know what else is intense?” followed by a roundhouse kick to the face.;
290As an infant, Chuck Norris’ parents gave him a toy hammer. He gave the world Stonehenge.;
291Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.;
292Most people fear the Reaper. Chuck Norris considers him “a promising Rookie”.;
293There are only two things that can cut diamonds: other diamonds, and Chuck Norris.;
294President Roosevelt once rode his horse 100 miles. Chuck Norris carried his the same distance in half the time.;
295Chuck Norris once ate four 30lb bowling balls without chewing.;
296Chuck Norris was banned from competitive bullriding after a 1992 exhibition in San Antonio, when he rode the bull 1,346 miles from Texas to Milwaukee Wisconsin to pick up his dry cleaning.;
297Chuck Norris qualified with a top speed of 324 mph at the Daytona 500, without a car.;
298Chuck Norris likes his coffee half and half: half coffee grounds, half wood-grain alcohol.;
299Chuck Norris uses tabasco sauce instead of visine.;
300The chemical formula for the highly toxic cyanide ion is CN-. These are also Chuck Norris’ initials. This is not a coincidence.;
301Chuck Norris’ credit cards have no limit. Last weekend, he maxed them out.;
302A man once claimed Chuck Norris kicked his ass twice, but it was promptly dismissed as false – no one could survive it the first time.;
303Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.;
304Chuck Norris owns a chain of fast-food restaurants throughout the southwest. They serve nothing but barbecue-flavored ice cream and Hot Pockets.;
305Chuck Norris doesn’t chew gum. Chuck Norris chews tin foil.;
306Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Chuck Norris is on.;
307When in a bar, you can order a drink called a “Chuck Norris”. It is also known as a “Bloody Mary”, if your name happens to be Mary.;
308Every time Chuck Norris smiles, someone dies. Unless he smiles while he’s roundhouse kicking someone in the face. Then two people die.;
309Some people ask for a Kleenex when they sneeze, Chuck Norris asks for a body bag.;
310There’s an order to the universe: space, time, Chuck Norris…. Just kidding, Chuck Norris is first.;
311A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is “Charles”. Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.;
312Chuck Norris starts everyday with a protein shake made from Carnation Instant Breakfast, one dozen eggs, pure Colombian cocaine, and rattlesnake venom. He injects it directly into his neck with a syringe.;
313In a tagteam match, Chuck Norris was teamed with Hulk Hogan against King Kong Bundy and Andre The Giant. He pinned all 3 at the same time.;
314Chuck Norris doesn’t see dead people. He makes people dead.;
315Chuck Norris is the only person who can simultaneously hold and fire FIVE Uzis: One in each hand, one in each foot — and the 5th one he roundhouse-kicks into the air, so that it sprays bullets.;
316For undercover police work, Chuck Norris pins his badge underneath his shirt, directly into his chest.;
317In the X-Men movies, none of the X-Men super-powers are done with special effects. Chuck Norris is the stuntman for every character.;
318We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.;
319The word ‘Kill’ was invented by Chuck Norris. Other words were ‘Die’, ‘Beer’, and ‘What’.;
320Chuck Norris is a vegetarian. Meaning, he does not eat animals until first he puts them into vegetative state with his fists.;
321The 11th commandment is “Thou shalt not piss off Chuck Norris” This commandment is rarely enforced, as it is impossible to accomplish.;
322Chuck Norris is his own line at the DMV.;
323Two wrongs don’t make a right. Unless you’re Chuck Norris. Then two wrongs make a roundhouse kick to the face.;
324Who let the dogs out? Chuck Norris let the dogs out… and then roundhouse kicked them through an Oldsmobile.;
325Chuck Norris can do a roundhouse kick faster than the speed of light. This means that if you turn on a light switch, you will be dead before the lightbulb turns on.;
326When Chuck Norris goes to out to eat, he orders a whole chicken, but he only eats its soul.;
327Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.;
328Chuck Norris has never won an Academy Award for acting… because he’s not acting.;
329If Chuck Norris wants your opinion, he’ll beat it into you.;
330Not everyone that Chuck Norris is mad at gets killed. Some get away. They are called astronauts.;
331Chuck Norris has to register every part of his body as a separate lethal weapon. His spleen is considered a concealed weapon in over 50 states.;
332A movie scene depicting Chuck Norris losing a fight with Bruce Lee was the product of history’s most expensive visual effect. When adjusted for inflation, the effect cost more than the Gross National Product of Paraguay.;
333Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of Chuck Norris’ first visit to Tokyo.;
334They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but there was a problem– It wouldn’t take poop from anybody.;
335Chuck Norris once rode a nine foot grizzly bear through an automatic car wash, instead of taking a shower.;
336“Sweating bullets” is literally what happens when Chuck Norris gets too hot.;
337Chuck Norris’ sperm can be seen with the naked eye. Each one is the size of a quarter.;
338After taking a steroids test doctors informed Chuck Norris that he had tested positive. He laughed upon receiving this information, and said “of course my urine tested positive, what do you think they make steroids from?”.;
339Chuck Norris doesn’t daydream. He’s too busy giving other people nightmares.;
340When Arnold says the line “I’ll be back” in the first Terminator movie it is implied that is he going to ask Chuck Norris for help.;
341There are no such things as tornados. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.;
342Chuck Norris does not follow fashion trends, they follow him. But then he turns around and kicks their ass. Nobody follows Chuck Norris.;
343The phrase ‘break a leg’ was originally coined by Chuck Norris’s co-stars in Walker, Texas Ranger as a good luck charm indicating that a broken leg might be the worst extent of their injuries. This never proved to be the case.;
344Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.;
345Diamonds are not, despite popular belief, carbon. They are, in fact, Chuck Norris fecal matter. This was proven a recently, when scientific analysis revealed what appeared to be Jean-Claude Van Damme bone fragments inside the Hope Diamond.;
346Chuck Norris once participated in the running of the bulls. He walked.;
347The Drummer for Def Leppard’s only got one arm. Chuck Norris needed a back scratcher.;
348Chuck Norris was the orginal sculptor of Mount Rushmore. He completed the entire project using only a bottle opener and a drywall trowel.;
349Chuck Norris once rode a bull, and nine months later it had a calf.;
350Chuck Norris once lost the remote, but maintained control of the TV by yelling at it in between bites of his “Filet of Child” sandwich.;
351For Spring Break ’05, Chuck Norris drove to Madagascar, riding a chariot pulled by two electric eels.;
352The Manhattan Project was not intended to create nuclear weapons, it was meant to recreate the destructive power in a Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick. They didn’t even come close.;
353Chuck Norris has banned rainbows from the state of North Dakota.;
354Divide Chuck Norris by zero and you will in fact get one……..one bad-ass that is.;
355TNT was originally developed by Chuck Norris to cure indigestion.;
356After returning from World War 2 unscathed, Bob Dole was congratulated by Chuck Norris with a handshake. The rest is history.;
357Chuck Norris runs on batteries. Specifically, Die Hards.;
358“Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” was originally written as Chuck Norris’ theme song.;
359Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn’t nearly foolish enough to attack him.;
360Only Chuck Norris can prevent forest fires.;
361When Chuck Norris makes a burrito, its main ingredient is real toes.;
362Chuck Norris is not Irish. His hair is soaked in the blood of his victims.;
363In the movie “The Matrix”, Chuck Norris is the Matrix. If you pay close attention in the green “falling code” scenes, you can make out the faint texture of his beard.;
364They say curiosity killed the cat. This is false. Chuck Norris killed the cat. Every single one of them.;
365There is no such thing as a lesbian, just a woman who has never met Chuck Norris.;
366Chuck Norris crossed the road. No one has ever dared question his motives.;
367One time, at band camp, Chuck Norris ate a percussionist.;
368Chuck Norris doesn’t say “who’s your daddy”, because he knows the answer.;
369Chuck Norris originally wrote the first dictionary. The definition for each word is as follows – A swift roundhouse kick to the face.;
370Love does not hurt. Chuck Norris does.;
371The term “Cleveland Steamer” got its name from Chuck Norris, when he took a dump while visiting the Rock and Roll Hall of fame and buried northern Ohio under a glacier of fecal matter.;
372Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone.;
373The pen is mighter than the sword, but only if the pen is held by Chuck Norris.;
374Chuck Norris doesn’t kill two birds with one stone. Chuck Norris kills all birds, with two stones. The ones in his pants.;
375Chuck Norris knows the last digit of pi.;
376Those aren’t credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger. It is actually a list of fatalities that occurred during the making of the episode.;
377The air around Chuck Norris is always a balmy 78 degrees.;
378When Chuck Norris wants an egg, he cracks open a chicken.;
379Chuck Norris plays racquetball with a waffle iron and a bowling ball.;
380Chuck Norris doesn’t believe in ravioli. He stuffs a live turtle with beef and smothers it in pig’s blood.;
381Count from one to ten. That’s how long it would take Chuck Norris to kill you…Fourty seven times.;
382The 1972 Miami Dolphins lost one game, it was an exhibition game vs. Chuck Norris and three seven year old girls. Chuck Norris won with a roundhouse-kick to the face in overtime.;
383Chuck Norris is not Politically Correct. He is just Correct. Always.;
384Mr. T pities the fool. Chuck Norris rips the fool’s head off.;
385Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. The tsunamis were killing people.;
386Chuck Norris has volunteered to remain on earth after the Rapture; he will spend his time fighting the Anti-Christ.;
387They were going to release a Chuck Norris edition of Clue, but the answer always turns out to be “Chuck Norris. In The Library. With a Roundhouse Kick.”;
388A man once taunted Chuck Norris with a bag of Lay’s potato chips, saying “Betcha can’t eat just one!” Chuck Norris proceeded to eat the chips, the bag, and the man in one deft move.;
389Chuck Norris’ favorite cereal is Kellogg’s Nails ‘N’ Gravel.;
390In the first Jurassic Park movie, the Tyrannosaurus Rex wasn’t chasing the jeep. Chuck Norris was chasing the Tyrannosaurus AND the jeep.;
391Chuck Norris has never been accused of murder for the simple fact that his roundhouse kicks are recognized world-wide as “acts of God.”;
392“Brokeback Mountain” is not just a movie. It’s also what Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard.;
393Rules of fighting: 1) Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. 2) Don’t bring a gun to a Chuck Norris fight.;
394Chuck Norris is the only man who has, literally, beaten the odds. With his fists.;
395In ancient China there is a legend that one day a child will be born from a dragon, grow to be a man, and vanquish evil from the land. That man is not Chuck Norris, because Chuck Norris killed that man.;
396Chuck Norris wipes his ass with chain mail and sandpaper.;
397When you play Monopoly with Chuck Norris, you do not pass go, and you do not collect two hundred dollars. You will be lucky if you make it out alive.;
398Chuck Norris describes human beings as “a sociable holder for blood and guts”.;
399Chuck Norris once got into a fight with a one-armed Ninja. Seeing that he had an unfair advantage, Chuck Norris ripped both of his arms off and one of his legs. He then roundhouse-kicked the ninja in the head, killing him instantly, and proceeded to sow his limbs back on using only a rusty tent spike and bailing wire.;
400Chuck Norris likes his ice like he likes his skulls: crushed.;
401Chuck Norris can kick through all 6 degrees of separation, hitting anyone, anywhere, in the face, at any time.;
402Most tough men eat nails for breakfast. chuck Norris does all of his grocery shopping at Home Depot.;
403Chuck Norris did not “lose” his virginity, he stalked it and then destroyed it with extreme prejudice.;
404Everything King Midas touches turnes to gold. Everything Chuck Norris touches turns up dead.;
405Chuck Norris’ pulse is measured on the richter scale.;
406Most people know that Descarte said, “I think, therefore I am.” What most people don’t know is that that quote continues, “…afraid of Chuck Norris.”;
407Chuck Norris once roundhouse-kicked a ten dollar bill into 200 nickels.;
408For every movie about Vietnam starring Chuck Norris, the historical duration of the war decreases. Just 3 more “Missing in Action” sequels, and that war will have never actually existed.;
409Chuck Norris enjoys a good practical joke. His favorite is where he removes your lower intestine and pretends to make a balloon animal out of it. Then he cracks your skull open with a Volvo for not complimenting him on his balloon animal.;
410Chuck Norris CAN in fact ‘raise the roof’. And he can do it with one hand.;
411Kenny G is allowed to live because Chuck Norris doesn’t kill women.;
412Life is not, in fact, like a box of chocolates. It is more like a box of Chuck Norris, roundhouse kicking you in the face. And if you receive a box of Chuck Norris, you ALWAYS know what you are going to get.;
413For Chuck Norris, every street is “one way”. HIS WAY.;
414There are now five cup sizes at Starbucks: Short, Tall, Grande, Venti, and Chuck Norris.;
415During the Vietnam War, Chuck Norris allowed himself to be captured. For torture, they made him eat his own entrails. He asked for seconds.;
416Chuck Norris once created a flamethrower by urinating into a lighter.;
417Instead of having a cigarette after sex, Chuck Norris heads outside and brands his cattle.;
418Chuck Norris actually built the stairway to heaven.;
419Whoever said “only the good die young” was probably in Chuck Norris’s kindergarten class.;
420Chuck Norris once skewered a man with the Eiffel tower.;
421The best part of waking up, is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn’t kill you in your sleep.;
422Chuck Norris doesn’t own a can opener, he just chews through the can.;
423Occam’s Razor says that the simplest answer tends to be the correct one. Norris’ Razor involves a flick of the wrist and a Columbian Necktie.;
424Chuck Norris needs a monkeywrench and a blowtorch to masturbate.;
425Proponents of higher-order theories of consciousness argue that consciousness is explained by the relation between two levels of mental states in which a higher-order mental state takes another mental state. If you mention this to Chuck Norris, expect an explosive roundhouse kick to the face for spouting too much fancy-talk.;
426Chuck Norris invented all 32 letters of the alphabet.;
427Remember The Ultimate Warrior? He quit wrestling because Chuck Norris wanted his nickname back.;
428If a tree falls in the forest, does anybody hear? Yes. Chuck Norris hears it. Chuck Norris can hear everything. Chuck Norris can hear the shrieking terror in your soul.;
429Chuck Norris actually owns IBM. It was an extremely hostile takeover.;
430He, who laughs last, laughs best. He who laughs at Chuck Norris … dies.;
431Chuck Norris is like a dog, not only because he can smell fear, but because he can piss on whatever he wants.;
432Chuck Norris can jump-start a car using jumper cables attached to his nipples.;
433Chuck Norris neither melts in your mouth nor in your hand. He shreds your trachea before ravaging your soul with a combination of chocolate, whickey, roundhouse kicks and death. Oh, and pain. Lots of pain.;
434Chuck Norris doesn’t have blood. He is filled with magma.;
435Chuck Norris uses Tabasco Sauce for eye drops.;
436Chuck Norris can get Blackjack with just one card.;
437“One time I was with Norris in the back of a pickup truck, along with a live deer. Norris goes up to the deer and says, ‘I’m Chuck Norris! SAY IT!’ Then he manipulates the deer’s lips in such a way as to make it say, ‘ChuckNorris’ … It wasn’t exactly like it, but it was pretty good for a deer!'”;
438People created the automobile to escape from Chuck Norris…Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris created the automobile accident.;
439Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks people in the face first and asks questions later.;
440When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.;
441Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.;
442Archeologists in India recently uncovered a new dinosaur. It’s actually many dinosaurs but one is in the middle of all the others. The one in the middle is believed to have killed the others with a single roundhouse kick to the face. The archeologists wanted to call it ChuckNorrisaurs but the Indian government changed the name to Himotosaurous because it’s simply not possible for Mr. Norris to be killed.;
443Chuck Norris got a perfect score on his SAT’s, simply by writing Chuck Norris for every answer.;
444Chuck Norris has to use a stunt double when he does crying scenes.;
445Chuck Norris successfully seperated twins conjoined at the head by roundkicking them in the face.;
446Dinosaurs went extinct because of the Chuck Norrisaurus.;
447People have often asked the United States, What is your secret weapon against terrorists? We simply reply…Chuck Norris;
448Chuck Norris wears Orion’s Belt around his pinky toe and he eats with the Big Dipper.;
449Chuck Norris eats lightning and farts thunder.;
450Lightning never strikes twice in one place because Chuck Norris is looking for it.;
451Chuck Norris was once a knight in King Arthur’s court. He was known as Sir Beatdown.;
452Chuck Norris once played rugby by himself. He went undefeated. Chuck Norris once played rugby by himself. He went undefeated.;
453In Desert Storm the reason why the Iraqi army surrendered so quickly because they knew Chuck Norris was coming.;
454Chuck Norris has never looked a baby in the eyes cause it might him cry but if he does it also makes him want to punch a baby.;
455Chuck Norris doesn't go at the speed of light, he goes at the speed of Norris.;
456Chuck Norris does not know about this website. If he did he would have just deleted the internet.;
457Before sliced bread, people used to say “That's the greatest thing since Chuck Norris”. But Chuck Norris was displeased by this. So he roundhouse kicked a loaf of bread into slices.;
458Chuck Norris’s sweat has burned holes in concrete.;
459The wind of Chuck Norris’s round house kick can be felt from 1600 million miles away.;
460Chuck Norris has held the World Championship in every weight class at the same time.;
461There is no Control button on Chuck Norris’ computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.;
462Chuck Norris is so bad he makes viruses sick. As such, Chuck Norris is also responsible for the eradication of smallpox.;
463There are four legal methods of execution in the United States: lethal injection, gas chamber, electric chair and Chuck Norris.;
464Earth’s emergency defence plan in case of alien invasion is Chuck Norris.;
465Chuck Norris stared evil in the face, and it backed down.;
466Chuck Norris can split the atom. With his bare hands.;
467On the SAT if you put Chuck Norris for every answer you will score over 8000.;
468The United States could save billions in defense funding if they trade the Military for Chuck Norris.;
469When Chuck Norris spits out watermelon seeds, he puts a machine gun to shame.;
470Chuck Norris doesnt use after shave, he uses liquid hot magma.;
471When Chuck norris found this web-site while surfing the internt, he round house kicked his computer…10 new facts were added instantly.including this one.;
472You can lead a horse to water but cannot make him drink, unless you’re Chuck Norris.;
473No matter what your mother always said, Chuck Norris can tune a fish.;
474Chuck Norris is ” The best a man can get ”.;
475On Valentine’s Day, Chuck Norris gives his wife the still beating heart of one of his enemies. Being very romantic, Chuck Norris believes every day should be Valentine’s Day.;
476Scientists believe the world began with the “Big Bang”. Chuck Norris shrugs it off as a “bad case of gas”.;
477Chuck Norris let the dogs out.;
478Chuck Norris visits an active volcano every morning to get some of “the best damn espresso on Earth”.;
479Chuck Norris eats eight meals a day. Seven are steak, and the last is the rest of the cow.;
480Chuck Norris does know what Willis is talking about!.;
481Chuck Norris don’t open no can of whoopass. He makes his own.;
482Chuck Norris could shoot someone and still have time to roundhouse kick him in the face before the bullet hit.;
483Chuck Norris’s body temperature is 98.6 degrees… Celsius.;
484The world’s fastest car has 7 gears. 5, 6, and Chuck Norris.;
485The active ingredient in Red Bull is Chuck Norris’s sweat.;
486The Seven Wonders of the ancient world were: Chuck Norris’ left and right hands, his left and right feet, his belly button, his liver, and his beard.;
487When Chuck Norris goes to Vegas, he doesn’t have to gamble. The casinos just give him stacks of money.;
488In an emergency, Chuck Norris can be used as a floatation device.;
489When Chuck Norris is ready to wake up, he tells the sun to get the above the horizon.;
490The speed of light was instituted because Chuck Norris didn’t want get winded outrunning it. Chuck Norris hates to sweat.;
491Chuck Norris once bench-pressed the entire state of Ohio, and all of its residents.;
492Chuck Norris can hold his breathe for nine years.;
493When somebody yells “Last one in is a rotten egg,” Chuck Norris is never the rotten egg.;
494Chuck Norris invented the question mark.;
495Chuck Norris trick-or-treated as himself as a child.;
496Chuck Norris has 3 knees on each leg.;
497Chuck Norris likes long walks on the beach, Barry White music, Harlequin romance novels, songbirds, rainbows, and quiet time with his lady…just before he roundhouse kicks her in the face.;
498Chuck Norris can cook minute rice in 30 seconds.;
499If you gave Chuck Norris a typewriter and 0.000000000000000000001th of a second he can write the Complete Works of Shakespeare;
500Chuck Norris puts the laughter in manslaughter.;
501Chuck Norris’ beard hair is believed to be an aphrodisiac in China.;
502The helicopter was invented after Chuck Norris was observed doing 8 roundhouse kicks a second.;
503Cars were invented to have a faster way of fleeing from Chuck Norris. Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris invented the car accident.;
504Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with barbed wire.;
505Chuck Norris can watch an episode of 60 minutes in 22 seconds.;
506Chuck Norris make onions CRY!.;
507Some people say that Chuck Norris is a myth. Those “some people” are now dead.;
508When Chuck Norris sneeze, he don’t say “Atchoo” he says “DIE EVERYONE!”. That’s what happens next.;
509Chuck Norris eats a bowl of diamonds every morning.;
510Chuck Norris is not only a noun, but a verb.;
511Guns don’t kill people. Chuck Norris kills People.;
512There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.;
513Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.;
514The chief export of Chuck Norris is Pain.;
515There is no chin under Chuck Norris’ Beard. There is only another fist.;
516Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill.;
517The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer.;
518Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.;
519Chuck Norris doesn’t go hunting…. CHUCK NORRIS GOES KILLING.;
520Chuck Norris uses pepper spray to spice up his steaks.;
521Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.;
522Crop circles are Chuck Norris’ way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.;
523Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.;
524The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.;
525Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.;
526Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72… and they’re all poisonous.;
527If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, “Two seconds ’til.” After you ask, “Two seconds ’til what?” he roundhouse kicks you in the face.;
528Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.;
529When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.;
530The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’ fist.;
531Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken’s famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.;
532CNN was originally created as the “Chuck Norris Network” to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time.;
533Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.;
534There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.;
535Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.;
536What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris’ victims before they died? His shoe.;
537Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.;
538Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11…. a suicide.;
539Chuck Norris doesn’t churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.;
540Chuck Norris doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them.;
541A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.;
542Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.;
543Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting pissed off. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Massacre.;
544If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.;
545Chuck Norris originally appeared in the “Street Fighter II” video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this “glitch,” Norris replied, “That’s no glitch.”;
546Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will roundhouse you in the face.;
547The opening scene of the movie “Saving Private Ryan” is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.;;
548Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”.;
549Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth’s atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.;
550Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.;
551Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren’t the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.;
552Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.;
553Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.;
554Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse… horses are hung like Chuck Norris.;
555Faster than a speeding bullet … more powerful than a locomotive … able to leap tall buildings in a single bound… yes, these are some of Chuck Norris’s warm-up exercises.;
556Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle — you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.;
557In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Chuck Norris turned that wine into beer.;
558Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell “What The Hell was That?”.;
559Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.;
560Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.;
561Chuck Norris doesn’t shower, he only takes blood baths.;
562The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.;
563In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.;
564According to the Encyclopedia Brittanica, the Native American “Trail of Tears” has been redefined as anywhere that Chuck Norris walks.;
565Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.;
566Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British soldiers from the American Revolution who entered space after the Chuck gave them a roundhouse kick to the face.;
567When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.;
568There are no steroids in baseball. Just players Chuck Norris has breathed on.;
569Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a “Who has more testicles?” contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.;
570Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck’s gift, and arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.;
571Chuck Norris sheds his skin twice a year.;