· 7 years ago · Nov 16, 2018, 05:50 PM
1In this file I keep my favourite fortune cookies. Fortune is a simple program
2that prints a random, hopefully interesting, possibly even funny, quote or
3epigram from a database. Fortune is a part of the BSD-games package, which is
4available for most Unix-type operating systems, such as FreeBSD and Linux.
5
6updated: Wed 25 May 2011
7
8---
9
10Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
11A: Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub
12 with brightly colored machine tools.
13
14---
15
16"I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it
17scattered around the beaches of the world ... Perhaps you've seen it.
18 -- Steven Wright
19
20---
21
22Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that
23would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that
24you undoubtably will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer
25maneuver. Which is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS
26OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE. YOU ALREADY
27UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED
28IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD
29WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND
30SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS,
31RIGHT? AND YOU'RE JUST NOW STARTING TO READ THE INSTRUCTIONS,
32RIGHT??? WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE
33FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?
34 -- Dave Barry, "Read This First!"
35
36---
37
38Arnold's Laws of Documentation:
39 (1) If it should exist, it doesn't.
40 (2) If it does exist, it's out of date.
41 (3) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the
42 first two laws.
43
44---
45
46Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent
47revolution inevitable.
48 -- John F. Kennedy
49
50---
51
52When you have an efficient government, you have a dictatorship.
53 -- Harry Truman
54
55---
56
57Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
58 -- Swami X
59
60---
61
62 AMAZING BUT TRUE ...
63
64If all the salmon caught in Canada in one year were laid end to end
65across the Sahara Desert, the smell would be absolutely awful.
66
67---
68
69The herd instinct among economists makes sheep look like independent
70thinkers.
71
72---
73
74What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do.
75
76---
77
78The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.
79
80---
81
82Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake
83when you make it again.
84 -- F. P. Jones
85
86---
87
88If a President doesn't do it to his wife, he'll do it to his country.
89
90---
91
92"I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV."
93
94---
95
96When asked by an anthropologist what the Indians called America before
97the white men came, an Indian said simply "Ours."
98 -- Vine Deloria, Jr.
99
100---
101
102"I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence.
103There's a knob called `brightness', but it doesn't work."
104 -- Gallagher
105
106---
107
108Anxiety, n.:
109 The first time you can't do it a second time.
110
111Panic, n.:
112 The second time you can't do it the first time.
113
114---
115
116I'd like to meet the man who invented sex and see what he's working on
117now.
118
119---
120
121Q: How many right-to-lifers does it take to change a light bulb?
122A: Two. One to screw it in and one to say that light started when the
123 screwing began.
124
125---
126
127"Why must you tell me all your secrets when it's hard enough to love
128you knowing nothing?"
129 -- Lloyd Cole and the Commotions
130
131---
132
133What is actually happening, I am afraid, is that we all tell each
134other and ourselves that software engineering techniques should be
135improved considerably, because there is a crisis. But there are a few
136boundary conditions which apparently have to be satisfied:
137
138 1. We may not change our thinking habits.
139 2. We may not change our programming tools.
140 3. We may not change our hardware.
141 4. We may not change our tasks.
142 5. We may not change the organizational set-up
143 in which the work has to be done.
144
145Now under these five immutable boundary conditions, we have to try to
146improve matters. This is utterly ridiculous.
147
148Edsger W. Dijkstra, on receiving the ACM Turing Award in 1972
149
150---
151
152It's always a long day; 86400 doesn't fit into a short.
153
154---
155
156Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to
157build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying
158to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
159
160 -- Rich Cook
161
162---
163
164Give thought to your reputation. Consider changing name and moving to
165a new town.
166
167---
168
169Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.
170 -- Oscar Wilde
171
172---
173
174Worst Month of the Year:
175 February. February has only 28 days in it, which means that if
176you rent an apartment, you are paying for three full days you don't
177get. Try to avoid Februarys whenever possible.
178 -- Steve Rubenstein
179
180---
181
182CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh..
183
184---
185
186Next Friday will not be your lucky day. As a matter of fact, you don't
187have a lucky day this year.
188
189---
190
191Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today. There might be a
192law against it by that time.
193
194---
195
196Meskimen's Law:
197 There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to
198do it over.
199
200---
201
202Why did the Roman Empire collapse? What is the Latin for office
203automation?
204
205---
206
207"Nuclear war can ruin your whole compile."
208 -- Karl Lehenbauer
209
210---
211
212Tonight's the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
213
214---
215
216Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight.
217
218---
219
220Hlade's Law:
221 If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person -- they
222will find an easier way to do it.
223
224---
225
226You can get more of what you want with a kind word and a gun than you
227can with just a kind word.
228 -- Bumper Sticker
229
230---
231
232C, n.:
233 A programming language that is sort of like Pascal except more
234like assembly except that it isn't very much like either one, or
235anything else. It is either the best language available to the art
236today, or it isn't.
237 -- Ray Simard
238
239---
240
241"I didn't know it was impossible when I did it."
242
243---
244
245People will do tomorrow what they did today because that is what they
246did yesterday.
247
248---
249
250One, with God, is always a majority, but many a martyr has been burned
251at the stake while the votes were being counted.
252 -- Thomas B. Reed
253
254---
255
256Dear Mister Language Person: What is the purpose of the apostrophe?
257
258Answer: The apostrophe is used mainly in hand-lettered small business
259signs to alert the reader than an "S" is coming up at the end of a
260word, as in: WE DO NOT EXCEPT PERSONAL CHECK'S, or: NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR
261ANY ITEM'S. Another important grammar concept to bear in mind when
262creating hand- lettered small-business signs is that you should put
263quotation marks around random words for decoration, as in "TRY" OUR HOT
264DOG'S, or even TRY "OUR" HOT DOG'S.
265 -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's"
266
267---
268
269Your lucky number is 3552664958674928. Watch for it everywhere.
270
271---
272
273Bug, n.:
274 An aspect of a computer program which exists because the
275programmer was thinking about Jumbo Jacks or stock options when s/he
276wrote the program.
277
278Fortunately, the second-to-last bug has just been fixed.
279 -- Ray Simard
280
281---
282
283If you had any brains, you'd be dangerous.
284
285---
286
287Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.
288 -- Pablo Picasso
289
290---
291
292I'm tired of telling people what they're too lazy to know.
293 --Van Morrison
294
295---
296
297Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
298 --Charlie McCarthy
299
300---
301
302There is not a man in the country that can't make a living for himself and
303family. But he can't make a living for them *and* his government, too,
304the way his government is living. What the government has got to do is
305live as cheap as the people.
306 -- The Best of Will Rogers
307
308---
309
310For what it's worth, if you -can- get Michelle Pfeiffer to model
311a latex daemon suit for the catalog, I strongly suggest you do.
312Breasts can sell anything. Shiny red latex body suits start
313religions.
314
315 -- Brian McGroarty <bvmcg@yahoo.com>
316
317---
318
319One possible reason why things aren't going
320according to plan is that there never was a plan.
321
322---
323
324Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.
325 -- Elbert Hubbard
326
327---
328
329bi, n:
330 When *everybody* thinks you're a pervert.
331
332---
333
334Monday is an awful way to spend one seventh of your life.
335
336---
337
338Welcome to UNIX! Enjoy your session! Have a great time! Note the
339use of exclamation points! They are a very effective method for
340demonstrating excitement, and can also spice up an otherwise plain-looking
341sentence! However, there are drawbacks! Too much unnecessary exclaiming
342can lead to a reduction in the effect that an exclamation point has on
343the reader! For example, the sentence
344
345 Jane went to the store to buy bread
346
347should only be ended with an exclamation point if there is something
348sensational about her going to the store, for example, if Jane is a
349cocker spaniel or if Jane is on a diet that doesn't allow bread or if
350Jane doesn't exist for some reason! See how easy it is?! Proper control
351of exclamation points can add new meaning to your life! Call now to receive
352my free pamphlet, "The Wonder and Mystery of the Exclamation Point!"!
353Enclose fifteen(!) dollars for postage and handling! Operators are
354standing by! (Which is pretty amazing, because they're all cocker spaniels!)
355
356---
357
358Acceptance without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western
359religion; rejection without proof is the fundamental characteristic of
360Western science.
361 -- Gary Zukav, "The Dancing Wu Li Masters"
362
363---
364
365E Pluribus UNIX.
366
367---
368
369Didja hear about the dyslexic devil worshiper who sold his soul to Santa?
370
371---
372
373What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art.
374
375---
376
377A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that
378your wife will give you for free.
379
380---
381
382It's recently come to Fortune's attention that scientists have stopped
383using laboratory rats in favor of attorneys. Seems that there are not
384only more of them, but you don't get so emotionally attached. The only
385difficulty is that it's sometimes difficult to apply the experimental
386results to humans.
387
388 [Also, there are some things even a rat won't do. Ed.]
389
390---
391
392A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation.
393 -- H. H. Munroe
394
395---
396
397The difficult we do today; the impossible takes a little longer.
398
399---
400
401To make an enemy, do someone a favor.
402
403---
404
405Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about
406telescopes.
407 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
408
409---
410
411QOTD:
412 "Wouldn't it be wonderful if real life supported control-Z?"
413
414---
415
416It is easier to be a "humanitarian" than to render your own country its
417proper due; it is easier to be a "patriot" than to make your community a
418better place to live in; it is easier to be a "civic leader" than to treat
419your own family with loving understanding; for the smaller the focus of
420attention, the harder the task.
421 -- Sydney J. Harris
422
423---
424
425better !pout !cry
426better watchout
427lpr why
428santa claus <north pole >town
429
430cat /etc/passwd >list
431ncheck list
432ncheck list
433cat list | grep naughty >nogiftlist
434cat list | grep nice >giftlist
435santa claus <north pole > town
436
437who | grep sleeping
438who | grep awake
439who | egrep 'bad|good'
440for (goodness sake) {
441 be good
442}
443
444---
445
446Murphy's Laws:
447 (1) If anything can go wrong, it will.
448 (2) Nothing is as easy as it looks.
449 (3) Everything takes longer than you think it will.
450
451---
452
453The road to hell is paved with good intentions. And littered with
454sloppy analysis!
455
456---
457
458 Get GUMMed
459 --- ------
460The Gurus of Unix Meeting of Minds (GUMM) takes place Wednesday, April
4611, 2076 (check THAT in your perpetual calendar program), 14 feet above
462the ground directly in front of the Milpitas Gumps. Members will grep
463each other by the hand (after intro), yacc a lot, smoke filtered
464chroots in pipes, chown with forks, use the wc (unless uuclean), fseek
465nice zombie processes, strip, and sleep, but not, we hope, od. Three
466days will be devoted to discussion of the ramifications of whodo. Two
467seconds have been allotted for a complete rundown of all the user-
468friendly features of Unix. Seminars include "Everything You Know is
469Wrong", led by Tom Kempson, "Batman or Cat:man?" led by Richie Dennis
470"cc C? Si! Si!" led by Kerwin Bernighan, and "Document Unix, Are You
471Kidding?" led by Jan Yeats. No Reader Service No. is necessary because
472all GUGUs (Gurus of Unix Group of Users) already know everything we
473could tell them.
474 -- Dr. Dobb's Journal, June '84
475
476---
477
478YOUR FOAMY FUTURE
479 by Miss Fortune
480
481ARIES (March 21 - April 19)
482 Matters are not good, where you health is concerned. This Fall, be
483sure to "walk groundly, talk profoundly, drink roundly, and sleep soundly"
484and you will live all the days of your life.
485
486TAURUS (April 20 - May 20)
487 You spent a fortune on beer this past summer and now find yourself
488in a deep depression because you can't afford even one of your favorite
489brewskis. Don't fret too much, Taurus. To get back on your feet simply
490miss two car payments.
491
492GEMINI (May 21 - June 21)
493 You think you're falling in love with a person who has a lot in
494common with yourself. You both prefer ales, you've both tried your hand
495at homebrewing, and you both want to visit every new brewpub that opens.
496Sounds impressive but remember you really don't know your partner until
497you meet in court.
498
499---
500
501If Reagan is the answer, it must have been a VERY silly question.
502
503---
504
505There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and
506that is not being talked about.
507 -- Oscar Wilde
508
509---
510
511While most peoples' opinions change,
512the conviction of their correctness never does.
513
514---
515
516I've got all the money I'll ever need if I die by 4 o'clock.
517 -- Henny Youngman
518
519---
520
521Q: What do you call a half-dozen Indians with Asian flu?
522A: Six sick Sikhs (sic).
523
524---
525
526An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made, in a
527very narrow field.
528 -- Niels Bohr
529
530---
531
532I'm a creationist; I refuse to believe
533that I could have evolved from man.
534
535---
536
537Once I finally figured out all of life's
538answers, they changed the questions.
539
540---
541
542Taxes are going up so fast, the government is likely to price itself
543out of the market.
544
545---
546
547If an S and an I and an O and a U
548With an X at the end spell Su;
549And an E and a Y and an E spell I,
550Pray what is a speller to do?
551Then, if also an S and an I and a G
552And an HED spell side,
553There's nothing much left for a speller to do
554But to go commit siouxeyesighed.
555 -- Charles Follen Adams, "An Orthographic Lament"
556
557---
558
559You know, the difference between this company and
560the Titanic is that the Titanic had paying customers.
561
562---
563
564The universe is like a safe to which there is a combination -- but the
565combination is locked up in the safe.
566 -- Peter DeVries
567
568Corollary: The combination is not a problem since we are locked in the
569same safe.
570
571---
572
573I am two with nature.
574 -- Woody Allen
575
576---
577
578Who cares if it doesn't do anything? It was made with
579our new Triple-Iso-Bifurcated-Krypton-Gate-MOS process...
580
581---
582
583If pro is the opposite of con, what is the opposite of progress?
584
585---
586
587Success is getting what you want; happiness is wanting what you get.
588
589---
590
591A is for awk, which runs like a snail, and
592B is for biff, which reads all your mail.
593C is for cc, as hackers recall, while
594D is for dd, the command that does all.
595E is for emacs, which rebinds your keys, and
596F is for fsck, which rebuilds your trees.
597G is for grep, a clever detective, while
598H is for halt, which may seem defective.
599I is for indent, which rarely amuses, and
600J is for join, which nobody uses.
601K is for kill, which makes you the boss, while
602L is for lex, which is missing from DOS.
603M is for more, from which less was begot, and
604N is for nice, which it really is not.
605O is for od, which prints out things nice, while
606P is for passwd, which reads in strings twice.
607Q is for quota, a Berkeley-type fable, and
608R is for ranlib, for sorting ar table.
609S is for spell, which attempts to belittle, while
610T is for true, which does very little.
611U is for uniq, which is used after sort, and
612V is for vi, which is hard to abort.
613W is for whoami, which tells you your name, while
614X is, well, X, of dubious fame.
615Y is for yes, which makes an impression, and
616Z is for zcat, which handles compression.
617 -- THE ABC'S OF UNIX
618
619---
620
621The IBM 2250 is impressive ...
622if you compare it with a system selling for a tenth its price.
623 -- D. Cohen
624
625---
626
627If you think technology can solve your security problems, then you
628don't understand the problems and you don't understand the technology.
629 -- Bruce Schneier
630
631---
632
633Corrupt, stupid grasping functionaries will make at least as big a muddle
634of socialism as stupid, selfish and acquisitive employers can make of
635capitalism.
636 -- Walter Lippmann
637
638---
639
640Start the day with a smile.
641After that you can be your nasty old self again.
642
643---
644
645No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.
646
647---
648
649The confusion of a staff member is measured by the length of his
650memos.
651 -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981
652
653---
654
655Television -- a medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well done.
656 -- Ernie Kovacs
657
658---
659
660How often I found where I should be going
661only by setting out for somewhere else.
662 -- R. Buckminster Fuller
663
664---
665
666It is practically impossible to teach good programming to students that
667have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are
668mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.
669 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
670
671---
672
673Apathy Club meeting this Friday.
674If you want to come, you're not invited.
675
676---
677
678CONSULTATION:
679 Medical term meaning "to share the wealth."
680
681---
682
683I've always felt sorry for people that don't drink -- remember,
684when they wake up, that's as good as they're gonna feel all day!
685
686---
687
688Well, don't worry about it... It's nothing.
689 -- Lieutenant Kermit Tyler (Duty Officer of Shafter Information
690 Center, Hawaii), upon being informed that Private Joseph
691 Lockard had picked up a radar signal of what appeared to be
692 at least 50 planes soaring toward Oahu at almost 180 miles
693 per hour, December 7, 1941.
694
695---
696
697A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the
698sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
699 -- Mark Twain
700
701---
702
703The makers may make,
704And the users may use,
705But the fixers must fix
706With but minimal clues.
707
708---
709
710There is always someone worse off than yourself.
711
712---
713
714It's not a sin not to be Irish, but it is a great shame.
715 -- Sean O'Huiginn
716
717---
718
719The most disagreeable thing that your worst enemy says to your face does
720not approach what your best friends say behind your back.
721 -- Alfred De Musset
722
723---
724
725Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted;
726persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting
727to find a plot in it will be shot. By Order of the Author
728 -- Mark Twain, "Tom Sawyer"
729
730---
731
732If a group of N persons implements a COBOL compiler, there will be N-1
733passes. Someone in the group has to be the manager.
734 -- T. Cheatham
735
736---
737
738Verba volant, scripta manent!
739
740---
741
742If the designers of X-window built cars, there would be no fewer than five
743steering wheels hidden about the cockpit, none of which followed the same
744principles -- but you'd be able to shift gears with your car stereo. Useful
745feature, that.
746 -- From the programming notebooks of a heretic, 1990
747
748---
749
750Most people can't understand how others can blow their noses differently
751than they do.
752 -- Turgenev
753
754---
755
756When a man you like switches from what he said a year ago, or four years
757ago, he is a broad-minded man who has courage enough to change his mind
758with changing conditions. When a man you don't like does it, he is a
759liar who has broken his promises.
760 -- Franklin Adams
761
762---
763
764Distance doesn't make you any smaller,
765but it does make you part of a larger picture.
766
767---
768
769paak, n: A stadium or inclosed playing field. To put or leave (a
770 vehicle) for a time in a certain location.
771patato, n: The starchy, edible tuber of a widely cultivated plant.
772Septemba, n: The 9th month of the year.
773shua, n: Having no doubt; certain.
774sista, n: A female having the same mother and father as the speaker.
775tamato, n: A fleshy, smooth-skinned reddish fruit eaten in salads
776 or as a vegetable.
777troopa, n: A state policeman.
778Wista, n: A city in central Masschewsetts.
779yaad, n: A tract of ground adjacent to a building.
780 -- Massachewsetts Unabridged Dictionary
781
782---
783
784Perhaps the most widespread illusion is that if we were in power we would
785behave very differently from those who now hold it -- when, in truth, in
786order to get power we would have to become very much like them. (Lenin's
787fatal mistake, both in theory and in practice.)
788
789---
790
791Call on God, but row away from the rocks.
792 -- Indian proverb
793
794---
795
796A day for firm decisions!!!!! Or is it?
797
798---
799
800Warp 7 -- It's a law we can live with.
801
802---
803
804The best thing about being bald is, that, when unexpected
805company arrives, all you have to do is straighten your tie.
806
807---
808
809An intellectual is someone whose mind watches itself.
810 -- Albert Camus
811
812---
813
814Never sleep with a woman whose troubles are worse than your own.
815 -- Nelson Algren
816
817---
818
819FreeBSD: Have you had your fairings today?
820
821---
822
823"Nuclear war would really set back cable."
824 -- Ted Turner
825
826---
827
828The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.
829
830---
831
832"Most legislators are so dumb that they couldn't pour piss out of a
833boot if the instructions were printed on the heel."
834
835---
836
837There are three things I always forget. Names, faces -- the third I
838can't remember.
839 -- Italo Svevo
840
841---
842
843At any given moment, an arrow must be either where it is or where it is
844not. But obviously it cannot be where it is not. And if it is where
845it is, that is equivalent to saying that it is at rest.
846 -- Zeno's paradox of the moving (still?) arrow
847
848---
849
850Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
851
852---
853
854Information Center, n.:
855 A room staffed by professional computer people whose job it is
856to tell you why you cannot have the information you require.
857
858---
859
860You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.
861
862---
863
864Every nonzero finite dimensional inner product space has an orthonormal basis.
865
866It makes sense, when you don't think about it.
867
868---
869
870Join in the new game that's sweeping the country. It's called
871"Bureaucracy". Everybody stands in a circle. The first person to do
872anything loses.
873
874---
875
876The reader this message encounters not failing to understand is
877cursed.
878
879---
880
881A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, and so do I. I
882believe everything positively stinks.
883 -- Lew Col
884
885---
886
887Worst Vegetable of the Year:
888 The brussels sprout. This is also the worst vegetable of next
889year.
890 -- Steve Rubenstein
891
892---
893
894Art is either plagiarism or revolution.
895 -- Paul Gauguin
896
897---
898
899Of what you see in books, believe 75%. Of newspapers, believe 50%.
900And of TV news, believe 25% -- make that 5% if the anchorman wears a
901blazer.
902
903---
904
905The man who follows the crowd will usually get no further than the
906crowd. The man who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no
907one has ever been.
908 -- Alan Ashley-Pitt
909
910---
911
912Board the windows, up your car insurance, and don't leave any booze in
913plain sight. It's St. Patrick's day in Chicago again. The legend has
914it that St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland. In fact, he was
915arrested for drunk driving. The snakes left because people kept
916throwing up on them.
917
918---
919
920"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm attending the opening of my
921garage door."
922
923---
924
925The revolution will not be televised.
926
927---
928
929Endless Loop: n., see Loop, Endless.
930Loop, Endless: n., see Endless Loop.
931 -- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary
932
933---
934
935Behold the warranty ... the bold print giveth and the fine print taketh
936away.
937
938---
939
940A strong conviction that something must be done is the parent of many
941bad measures.
942 -- Daniel Webster
943
944---
945
946Let us live!!!
947Let us love!!!
948Let us share the deepest secrets of our souls!!!
949
950You first.
951
952---
953
954At first, I just did it on weekends. With a few friends, you know...
955We never wanted to hurt anyone. The girls loved it. We'd all sit
956around the computer and do a little UNIX. It was just a kick. At
957least that's what we thought. Then it got worse.
958
959It got so I'd have to do some UNIX during the weekdays. After a
960while, I couldn't even wake up in the morning without having that
961crave to go do UNIX. Then it started affecting my job. I would just
962have to do it during my break. Maybe a `grep' or two, maybe a little
963`more'. I eventually started doing UNIX just to get through the day.
964Of course, it screwed up my mind so much that I couldn't even
965function as a normal person.
966
967I'm lucky today, I've overcome my UNIX problem. It wasn't easy. If
968you're smart, just don't start. Remember, if any weirdo offers you
969some UNIX,
970
971 Just Say No!
972
973---
974
975Q: How many heterosexual males does it take to screw in a light bulb
976 in San Francisco?
977A: Both of them.
978
979---
980
981There are three ways to get something done:
982 (1) Do it yourself.
983 (2) Hire someone to do it for you.
984 (3) Forbid your kids to do it.
985
986---
987
988If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?
989
990---
991
992Excellent day for putting Slinkies on an escalator.
993
994---
995
996Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they're
997going to catch you in next.
998 -- Franklin P. Jones
999
1000---
1001
1002"Hello," he lied.
1003 -- Don Carpenter quoting a Hollywood agent
1004
1005---
1006
1007 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #5: VALGOL
1008From its modest beginnings in Southern California's San Fernando Valley,
1009VALGOL is enjoying a dramatic surge of popularity across the industry.
1010
1011Here is a sample program:
1012 LIKE, Y*KNOW(I MEAN)START
1013 IF PIZZA = LIKE BITCHEN AND GUY = LIKE TUBULAR AND
1014 VALLEY GIRL = LIKE GRODY**MAX(FERSURE)**2 THEN
1015 FOR I = LIKE 1 TO OH*MAYBE 100
1016 DO*WAH - (DITTY**2)
1017 BARF(I)=TOTALLY GROSS(OUT)
1018 SURE
1019 LIKE BAG THIS PROGRAM
1020 REALLY
1021 LIKE TOTALLY (Y*KNOW)
1022 IM*SURE
1023 GOTO THE MALL
1024
1025When the user makes a syntax error, the interpreter displays the message:
1026
1027 GAG ME WITH A SPOON!!
1028
1029---
1030
1031"She said, `I know you ... you cannot sing'. I said, `That's nothing,
1032you should hear me play piano.'"
1033 -- Morrisey
1034
1035---
1036
1037Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code.
1038
1039---
1040
1041Skinner's Constant (or Flannagan's Finagling Factor):
1042 That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to,
1043or subtracted from the answer you get, gives you the answer you should
1044have gotten.
1045
1046---
1047
1048What is the difference between a Turing machine and the modern
1049computer? It's the same as that between Hillary's ascent of Everest
1050and the establishment of a Hilton on its peak.
1051
1052---
1053
1054There are two ways to write error-free programs. Only the third one
1055works.
1056
1057---
1058
1059It is against the grain of modern education to teach children to
1060program. What fun is there in making plans, acquiring discipline in
1061organizing thoughts, devoting attention to detail, and learning to be
1062self-critical?
1063 -- Alan Perlis
1064
1065---
1066
1067cursor address, n:
1068 "Hello, cursor!"
1069 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
1070
1071---
1072
1073 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #13: SLOBOL
1074
1075SLOBOL is best known for the speed, or lack of it, of its compiler.
1076Although many compilers allow you to take a coffee break while they
1077compile, SLOBOL compilers allow you to travel to Bolivia to pick the
1078coffee. Forty-three programmers are known to have died of boredom
1079sitting at their terminals while waiting for a SLOBOL program to
1080compile. Weary SLOBOL programmers often turn to a related (but
1081infinitely faster) language, COCAINE.
1082
1083---
1084
1085One thing the inventors can't seem to get the bugs out of is fresh
1086paint.
1087
1088---
1089
1090University, n.:
1091 Like a software house, except the software's free, and it's
1092usable, and it works, and if it breaks they'll quickly tell you how to
1093fix it, and ...
1094
1095---
1096
1097Mosher's Law of Software Engineering:
1098 Don't worry if it doesn't work right. If everything did, you'd
1099be out of a job.
1100
1101---
1102
1103Definitions of hardware and software for dummies:
1104
1105 Hardware is what you kick;
1106 Software is what you curse.
1107
1108---
1109
1110Steele's Plagiarism of Somebody's Philosophy:
1111 Everybody should believe in something -- I believe I'll have
1112another drink.
1113
1114---
1115
1116Every program has at least one bug and can be shortened by at least one
1117instruction -- from which, by induction, one can deduce that every
1118program can be reduced to one instruction which doesn't work.
1119
1120---
1121
1122Once upon a time, when I was training to be a mathematician, a group of
1123us bright young students taking number theory discovered the names of
1124the smaller prime numbers.
1125
11262: The Odd Prime --
1127 It's the only even prime, therefore it's odd. QED.
11283: The True Prime --
1129 Lewis Carroll: "If I tell you three times, it's true."
113031: The Arbitrary Prime --
1131 Determined by unanimous unvote. We needed an arbitrary prime
1132 in case the prof asked for one, and so had an election. 91
1133 received the most votes (well, it *looks* prime) and 3+4i the
1134 next most. However, 31 was the only candidate to receive none
1135 at all.
1136
1137Since the composite numbers are formed from primes, their qualities are
1138derived from those primes. So, for instance, the number 6 is "odd but
1139true", while the powers of 2 are all extremely odd numbers.
1140
1141---
1142
1143No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
1144 -- Eleanor Roosevelt
1145
1146---
1147
1148The National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association says:
1149 Support your right to bare arms!
1150
1151---
1152
1153Top scientists agree that with the present rate of consumption, the
1154earth's supply of gravity will be exhausted before the 24th century.
1155As man struggles to discover cheaper alternatives, we need your help.
1156Please...
1157
1158 CONSERVE GRAVITY
1159
1160Follow these simple suggestions:
1161
1162(1) Walk with a light step. Carry helium balloons if possible.
1163(2) Use tape, magnets, or glue instead of paperweights.
1164(3) Give up skiing and skydiving for more horizontal sports like
1165 curling.
1166(4) Avoid showers .. take baths instead.
1167(5) Don't hang all your clothes in the closet ... Keep them in one big
1168 pile.
1169(6) Stop flipping pancakes
1170
1171---
1172
1173"Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence."
1174
1175---
1176
1177Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.
1178
1179---
1180
1181It appears that after his death, Albert Einstein found himself working
1182as the doorkeeper at the Pearly Gates. One slow day, he found that he
1183had time to chat with the new entrants. To the first one he asked,
1184"What's your IQ?" The new arrival replied, "190". They discussed
1185Einstein's theory of relativity for hours. When the second new arrival
1186came, Einstein once again inquired as to the newcomer's IQ. The answer
1187this time came "120". To which Einstein replied, "Tell me, how did the
1188Cubs do this year?" and they proceeded to talk for half an hour or so.
1189To the final arrival, Einstein once again posed the question, "What's
1190your IQ?". Upon receiving the answer "70", Einstein smiled and asked,
1191"Got a minute to tell me about VMS 4.0?"
1192
1193---
1194
1195Spouse, n.:
1196 Someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you
1197wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single.
1198
1199---
1200
1201 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #12: LITHP
1202
1203This otherwise unremarkable language is distinguished by the absence of
1204an "S" in its character set; users must substitute "TH". LITHP is said
1205to be useful in protheththing lithtth.
1206
1207---
1208
1209War is peace. Freedom is slavery. Ketchup is a vegetable.
1210
1211---
1212
1213A language that doesn't affect the way you think about programming is
1214not worth knowing.
1215
1216---
1217
1218Real computer scientists despise the idea of actual hardware. Hardware
1219has limitations, software doesn't. It's a real shame that Turing
1220machines are so poor at I/O.
1221
1222---
1223
1224If everybody minded their own business, the world would go
1225around a deal faster.
1226 -- The Duchess, "Through the Looking Glass"
1227
1228---
1229
1230/earth is 98% full ... please delete anyone you can.
1231
1232---
1233
1234 ACHTUNG!!!
1235
1236Das machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken und mittengrabben. Ist easy
1237schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und corkenpoppen mit
1238spitzensparken. Ist nicht fur gewerken by das dummkopfen. Das
1239rubbernecken sightseeren keepen hands in das pockets. Relaxen und
1240vatch das blinkenlights!!!
1241
1242---
1243
1244 When you have shot and killed a man you have in some measure
1245clarified your attitude toward him. You have given a definite answer
1246to a definite problem. For better or worse you have acted decisively.
1247 In a way, the next move is up to him.
1248 -- R. A. Lafferty
1249
1250---
1251
1252Your life would be very empty if you had nothing to regret.
1253
1254---
1255
1256The universe is like a safe to which there is a combination -- but the
1257combination is locked up in the safe.
1258 -- Peter DeVries
1259
1260---
1261
1262Nature and nature's laws lay hid in night,
1263God said, "Let Newton be," and all was light.
1264
1265It did not last; the devil howling "Ho!
1266Let Einstein be!" restored the status quo.
1267
1268---
1269
1270 Chapter 1
1271
1272The story so far:
1273
1274 In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot
1275of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.
1276 -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe"
1277
1278---
1279
1280Arnold's Laws of Documentation:
1281 (1) If it should exist, it doesn't.
1282 (2) If it does exist, it's out of date.
1283 (3) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the
1284 first two laws.
1285
1286---
1287
1288The man who sets out to carry a cat by its tail learns something that
1289will always be useful and which never will grow dim or doubtful.
1290 -- Mark Twain.
1291
1292---
1293
1294A dozen, a gross, and a score,
1295Plus three times the square root of four,
1296 Divided by seven,
1297 Plus five times eleven,
1298Equals nine squared plus zero, no more.
1299
1300---
1301
1302The church is near but the road is icy; the bar is far away but I will
1303walk carefully.
1304 -- Russian Proverb
1305
1306---
1307
1308 How many seconds are there in a year? If I tell you there are
13093.155 x 10^7, you won't even try to remember it. On the other hand,
1310who could forget that, to within half a percent, pi seconds is a
1311nanocentury.
1312 -- Tom Duff, Bell Labs
1313
1314---
1315
1316This life is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an actual life,
1317you would have received further instructions as to what to do and where
1318to go.
1319
1320---
1321
1322Due to a shortage of devoted followers, the production of great leaders
1323has been discontinued.
1324
1325---
1326
1327San Francisco, n.:
1328 Marcel Proust editing an issue of Penthouse.
1329
1330---
1331
1332I doubt, therefore I might be.
1333
1334---
1335
1336Bureaucrat, n.:
1337 A person who cuts red tape sideways.
1338 -- J. McCabe
1339
1340---
1341
1342QUOTE OF THE DAY:
1343
1344 `
1345
1346---
1347
1348"Consequences, Schmonsequences, as long as I'm rich."
1349 -- "Ali Baba Bunny" [1957, Chuck Jones]
1350
1351---
1352
1353Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #19:
1354
1355Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
1356A: All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
1357
1358---
1359
1360Some points to remember [about animals]:
1361
1362(1) Don't go to sleep under big animals, e.g., elephants, rhinoceri,
1363 hippopotamuses;
1364(2) Don't put animals with sharp teeth or poisonous fangs down the
1365 front of your clothes;
1366(3) Don't pat certain animals, e.g., crocodiles and scorpions or dogs
1367 you have just kicked.
1368 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
1369
1370---
1371
137243rd Law of Computing:
1373 Anything that can go wr
1374fortune: Segmentation violation -- Core dumped
1375
1376---
1377
1378Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go,
1379it's one of the best.
1380 -- Woody Allen
1381
1382---
1383
1384 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #10: SIMPLE
1385
1386SIMPLE is an acronym for Sheer Idiot's Monopurpose Programming Language
1387Environment. This language, developed at the Hanover College for
1388Technological Misfits, was designed to make it impossible to write code
1389with errors in it. The statements are, therefore, confined to BEGIN,
1390END and STOP. No matter how you arrange the statements, you can't make
1391a syntax error. Programs written in SIMPLE do nothing useful. Thus
1392they achieve the results of programs written in other languages without
1393the tedious, frustrating process of testing and debugging.
1394
1395---
1396
1397For some reason, this fortune reminds everyone of Marvin Zelkowitz.
1398
1399---
1400
1401Anthony's Law of the Workshop:
1402 Any tool when dropped, will roll into the least accessible
1403 corner of the workshop.
1404
1405Corollary:
1406 On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first strike
1407 your toes.
1408
1409---
1410
1411 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18a: FIFTH
1412
1413FIFTH is a precision mathematical language in which the data types
1414refer to quantity. The data types range from CC, OUNCE, SHOT, and
1415JIGGER to FIFTH (hence the name of the language), LITER, MAGNUM and
1416BLOTTO. Commands refer to ingredients such as CHABLIS, CHARDONNAY,
1417CABERNET, GIN, VERMOUTH, VODKA, SCOTCH, and WHATEVERSAROUND.
1418
1419The many versions of the FIFTH language reflect the sophistication and
1420financial status of its users. Commands in the ELITE dialect include
1421VSOP and LAFITE, while commands in the GUTTER dialect include HOOTCH
1422and RIPPLE. The latter is a favorite of frustrated FORTH programmers
1423who end up using this language.
1424
1425---
1426
1427Vila: "I think I have just made the biggest mistake of my life."
1428Orac: "It is unlikely. I would predict there are far greater mistakes
1429 waiting to be made by someone with your obvious talent for it."
1430
1431---
1432
1433The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding
1434bureaucracy.
1435
1436---
1437
1438"Don't tell me I'm burning the candle at both ends -- tell me where to
1439get more wax!!"
1440
1441---
1442
1443A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the
1444subject.
1445 -- Winston Churchill
1446
1447---
1448
1449There *is* intelligent life on Earth, but I leave for Texas on Monday.
1450
1451---
1452
1453"Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it."
1454
1455---
1456
1457Top 10 things likely to be overheard if you had a Klingon Programmer:
1458
145910) Specifications are for the weak and timid!
1460 9) You question the worthiness of my code? I should kill you where you stand!
1461 8) Indentation?! - I will show you how to indent when I indent your skull!
1462 7) What is this talk of 'release'? Klingons do not make software 'releases'.
1463 Our software 'escapes' leaving a bloody trail of designers and quality
1464 assurance people in its wake.
1465 6) Klingon function calls do not have 'parameters' - they have 'arguments'
1466 - and they ALWAYS WIN THEM.
1467 5) Debugging? Klingons do not debug. Our software does not coddle the weak.
1468 4) A TRUE Klingon Warrior does not comment his code!
1469 3) Klingon software does NOT have BUGS. It has FEATURES, and those features
1470 are too sophisticated for a Romulan pig like you to understand.
1471 2) You cannot truly appreciate Dilbert unless you've read it in the
1472 original Klingon.
1473 1) Our users will know fear and cower before our software! Ship it! Ship
1474 it and let them flee like the dogs they are!
1475
1476---
1477
1478If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail.
1479 -- Maslow
1480
1481---
1482
1483(1) Everything depends.
1484(2) Nothing is always.
1485(3) Everything is sometimes.
1486
1487---
1488
1489Famous last words:
1490 (1) "Don't worry, I can handle it."
1491 (2) "You and what army?"
1492 (3) "If you were as smart as you think you are, you wouldn't be
1493 a cop."
1494
1495---
1496
1497"I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere."
1498
1499---
1500
1501Even though they raised the rate for first class mail in the United
1502States we really shouldn't complain -- it's still only two cents a
1503day.
1504
1505---
1506
1507If today is the first day of the rest of your life, what the hell was
1508yesterday?
1509
1510---
1511
1512... bleakness ... desolation ... plastic forks ...
1513
1514---
1515
1516CAPRICORN (Dec 23 - Jan 19)
1517 You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don't do
1518much of anything and are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn of any
1519importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still for too long as
1520they take root and become trees.
1521
1522---
1523
1524"We had it tough ... I had to get up at 9 o'clock at night, half an
1525hour before I went to bed, eat a lump of dry poison, work 29 hours down
1526mill, and when we came home our Dad would kill us, and dance about on
1527our grave singing Halleluja ..."
1528 -- Monty Python
1529
1530---
1531
1532Statisticians probably do it.
1533
1534---
1535
1536f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.
1537
1538---
1539
1540Love your enemies: they'll go crazy trying to figure out what you're up
1541to.
1542
1543---
1544
1545The best defense against logic is ignorance.
1546
1547---
1548
1549Faith, n:
1550 That quality which enables us to believe what we know to be
1551untrue.
1552
1553---
1554
1555 The Three Major Kind of Tools
1556
1557* Tools for hittings things to make them loose or to tighten them up or
1558 jar their many complex, sophisticated electrical parts in such a
1559 manner that they function perfectly. (These are your hammers, maces,
1560 bludgeons, and truncheons.)
1561
1562* Tools that, if dropped properly, can penetrate your foot. (Awls)
1563
1564* Tools that nobody should ever use because the potential danger is far
1565 greater than the value of any project that could possibly result.
1566 (Power saws, power drills, power staplers, any kind of tool that uses
1567 any kind of power more advanced than flashlight batteries.)
1568 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
1569
1570---
1571
1572"In order to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the
1573universe."
1574 -- Carl Sagan, Cosmos
1575
1576---
1577
1578"Yeah, but you're taking the universe out of context."
1579
1580---
1581
1582Don't take life so serious, son, it ain't nohow permanent.
1583 -- Walt Kelly
1584
1585---
1586
1587Dear Mister Language Person: What is the purpose of the apostrophe?
1588
1589Answer: The apostrophe is used mainly in hand-lettered small business
1590signs to alert the reader than an "S" is coming up at the end of a
1591word, as in: WE DO NOT EXCEPT PERSONAL CHECK'S, or: NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR
1592ANY ITEM'S. Another important grammar concept to bear in mind when
1593creating hand- lettered small-business signs is that you should put
1594quotation marks around random words for decoration, as in "TRY" OUR HOT
1595DOG'S, or even TRY "OUR" HOT DOG'S.
1596 -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's"
1597
1598---
1599
1600Slowly and surely the unix crept up on the Nintendo user ...
1601
1602---
1603
1604"Plaese porrf raed."
1605 -- Prof. Michael O'Longhlin, S.U.N.Y. Purchase
1606
1607---
1608
1609Every man is as God made him, ay, and often worse.
1610 -- Miguel de Cervantes
1611
1612---
1613
1614To generalize is to be an idiot.
1615 -- William Blake
1616
1617---
1618
1619To get something done, a committee should consist of no more than three
1620men, two of them absent.
1621
1622---
1623
1624If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.
1625
1626---
1627
1628Very few profundities can be expressed in less than 80 characters.
1629
1630---
1631
1632Mohandas K. Gandhi often changed his mind publicly. An aide once asked
1633him how he could so freely contradict this week what he had said just
1634last week. The great man replied that it was because this week he knew
1635better.
1636
1637---
1638
1639It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail.
1640 -- Gore Vidal
1641
1642---
1643
1644The biggest difference between time and space is that you can't reuse
1645time.
1646 -- Merrick Furst
1647
1648---
1649
1650Mitchell's Law of Committees:
1651 Any simple problem can be made insoluble if enough meetings are
1652held to discuss it.
1653
1654---
1655
1656The surest protection against temptation is cowardice.
1657 -- Mark Twain
1658
1659---
1660
1661"I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am.
1662It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get."
1663
1664---
1665
1666Here I sit, broken-hearted,
1667All logged in, but work unstarted.
1668First net.this and net.that,
1669And a hot buttered bun for net.fat.
1670
1671The boss comes by, and I play the game,
1672Then I turn back to net.flame.
1673Is there a cure (I need your views),
1674For someone trapped in net.news?
1675
1676I need your help, I say 'tween sobs,
1677'Cause I'll soon be listed in net.jobs.
1678
1679---
1680
1681Self Test for Paranoia:
1682 You know you have it when you can't think of anything that's
1683your own fault.
1684
1685---
1686
1687Tact, n.:
1688 The unsaid part of what you're thinking.
1689
1690---
1691
1692A limerick packs laughs anatomical
1693Into space that is quite economical.
1694 But the good ones I've seen
1695 So seldom are clean,
1696And the clean ones so seldom are comical.
1697
1698---
1699
1700Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house as warm as
1701it was in the summer, when they complained about the heat.
1702
1703---
1704
1705 Pittsburgh Driver's Test
1706
1707(7) The car directly in front of you has a flashing right tail light
1708 but a steady left tail light. This means
1709
1710 (a) one of the tail lights is broken; you should blow your horn
1711 to call the problem to the driver's attention.
1712 (b) the driver is signaling a right turn.
1713 (c) the driver is signaling a left turn.
1714 (d) the driver is from out of town.
1715
1716The correct answer is (d). Tail lights are used in some foreign
1717countries to signal turns.
1718
1719---
1720
1721"Somewhere", said Father Vittorini, "did Blake not speak of the
1722Machineries of Joy? That is, did not God promote environments, then
1723intimidate these Natures by provoking the existence of flesh, toy men
1724and women, such as are we all? And thus happily sent forth, at our
1725best, with good grace and fine wit, on calm noons, in fair climes, are
1726we not God's Machineries of Joy?"
1727
1728"If Blake said that", said Father Brian, "he never lived in Dublin."
1729 -- R. Bradbury, "The Machineries of Joy"
1730
1731---
1732
1733This is National Non-Dairy Creamer Week.
1734
1735---
1736
1737Who messed with my anti-paranoia shot?
1738
1739---
1740
1741"I don't object to sex before marriage, but two minutes before?!?"
1742
1743---
1744
1745Pascal, n.:
1746 A programming language named after a man who would turn over in
1747his grave if he knew about it.
1748
1749---
1750
1751Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
1752
1753---
1754
1755You know it's going to be a bad day when you want to put on the clothes
1756you wore home from the party and there aren't any.
1757
1758---
1759
1760Anything is good if it's made of chocolate.
1761
1762---
1763
1764"I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone
1765has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top."
1766 -- English Professor, Ohio University
1767
1768---
1769
1770For your penance, say five Hail Marys and one loud BLAH!
1771
1772---
1773
1774Disc space -- the final frontier!
1775
1776---
1777
1778There's a fine line between courage and foolishness. Too bad it's not
1779a fence.
1780
1781---
1782
1783There's a long-standing bug relating to the x86 architecture that
1784allows you to install Windows.
1785 -- Matthew D. Fuller
1786
1787---
1788
1789"Rembrandt's first name was Beauregard, which is why he never used
1790it."
1791 -- Dave Barry
1792
1793---
1794
1795Excellent time to become a missing person.
1796
1797---
1798
1799You have junk mail.
1800
1801---
1802
1803A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block
1804of marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an
1805elephant.
1806
1807---
1808
1809If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every
1810word you say, talk in your sleep.
1811
1812---
1813
1814A is for Amy who fell down the stairs, B is for Basil assaulted by bears.
1815C is for Clair who wasted away, D is for Desmond thrown out of the sleigh.
1816E is for Ernest who choked on a peach, F is for Fanny, sucked dry by a leech.
1817G is for George, smothered under a rug, H is for Hector, done in by a thug.
1818I is for Ida who drowned in the lake, J is for James who took lye, by mistake.
1819K is for Kate who was struck with an axe, L is for Leo who swallowed some tacks.
1820M is for Maud who was swept out to sea, N is for Nevil who died of enui.
1821O is for Olive, run through with an awl, P is for Prue, trampled flat in a brawl
1822Q is for Quinton who sank in a mire, R is for Rhoda, consumed by a fire.
1823S is for Susan who parished of fits, T is for Titas who flew into bits.
1824U is for Una who slipped down a drain, V is for Victor, squashed under a train.
1825W is for Winie, embedded in ice, X is for Xercies, devoured by mice.
1826Y is for Yoric whose head was bashed in, Z is for Zilla who drank too much gin.
1827 -- Edward Gorey "The Gastly Crumb Tines"
1828
1829---
1830
1831Predestination was doomed from the start.
1832
1833---
1834
1835"We demand rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty!"
1836 -- Vroomfondel
1837
1838---
1839
1840Boy, n.:
1841 A noise with dirt on it.
1842
1843---
1844
1845The first myth of management is that it exists. The second myth of
1846management is that success equals skill.
1847 -- Robert Heller
1848
1849---
1850
1851If I 'cp /bin/csh /dev/audio' shouldn't I hear the ocean?
1852 -- Danno Coppock
1853
1854---
1855
1856Religion has done love a great service by making it a sin.
1857 -- Anatole France
1858
1859---
1860
1861Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #7:
1862
1863Q: What happened then?
1864A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify
1865 me."
1866Q: Did he kill you?
1867A: No.
1868
1869---
1870
1871"I haven't lost my mind; I know exactly where I left it."
1872
1873---
1874
1875Shaw's Principle:
1876 Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will
1877want to use it.
1878
1879---
1880
1881"Uncle Cosmo ... why do they call this a word processor?"
1882
1883"It's simple, Skyler ... you've seen what food processors do to food,
1884right?"
1885 -- MacNelley, "Shoe"
1886
1887---
1888
1889Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning:
1890 It's on the other side.
1891
1892---
1893
1894If A equals success, then the formula is A = X + Y + Z. X is work. Y
1895is play. Z is keep your mouth shut.
1896 -- Albert Einstein
1897
1898---
1899
1900Pretend to spank me -- I'm a pseudo-masochist!
1901
1902---
1903
1904To err is human, to forgive is Not Company Policy.
1905
1906---
1907
1908Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way
1909before it is understood.
1910
1911---
1912
1913For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat,
1914and wrong.
1915 -- H. L. Mencken
1916
1917---
1918
1919Drew's Law of Highway Biology:
1920 The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly in front
1921of your eyes.
1922
1923---
1924
1925People who are funny and smart and return phone calls get much better
1926press than people who are just funny and smart.
1927 -- Howard Simons, "The Washington Post"
1928
1929---
1930
1931Sen. Danforth: "There is nothing on the face of the album which would
1932 notify you if the record has pornographic material or
1933 material glorifying violence?"
1934Tipper Gore: "No, there is nothing that would suggest that to me."
1935Frank Zappa: "I would say that a buzz saw blade between the guy's
1936 legs on the album cover is good indication that it's
1937 not for little Johnny."
1938
1939 -- The Senate Commerce Committee hearing on rock
1940 lyrics, from The Village Voice, 6 Oct 1985
1941
1942---
1943
1944The advertisement is the most truthful part of a newspaper
1945 -- Thomas Jefferson
1946
1947---
1948
1949Boren's Laws:
1950 (1) When in charge, ponder.
1951 (2) When in trouble, delegate.
1952 (3) When in doubt, mumble.
1953
1954---
1955
1956"I went to a job interview the other day, the guy asked me if I had any
1957questions , I said yes, just one, if you're in a car traveling at the
1958speed of light and you turn your headlights on, does anything happen?
1959
1960He said he couldn't answer that, I told him sorry, but I couldn't work
1961for him then.
1962 -- Steven Wright
1963
1964---
1965
1966Katz' Law:
1967 Man and nations will act rationally when all other
1968possibilities have been exhausted.
1969
1970---
1971
1972Accident, n.:
1973 A condition in which presence of mind is good, but absence of
1974body is better.
1975
1976---
1977
1978"I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to
1979make it shorter."
1980 -- Blaise Pascal
1981
1982---
1983
1984It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because
1985if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of
1986people.
1987 -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
1988
1989---
1990
1991You know you've landed gear-up when it takes full power to taxi.
1992
1993---
1994
1995Alone, adj.:
1996 In bad company.
1997 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
1998
1999---
2000
2001One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to
2002do and always a clever thing to say.
2003 -- Will Durant
2004
2005---
2006
2007FreeBSD: putting the horse before the cart since 1992.
2008 -- Warner Losh
2009
2010---
2011
2012My God, I'm depressed! Here I am, a computer with a mind a thousand
2013times as powerful as yours, doing nothing but cranking out fortunes and
2014sending mail about softball games. And I've got this pain right
2015through my ALU. I've asked for it to be replaced, but nobody ever
2016listens. I think it would be better for us both if you were to just
2017log out again.
2018
2019---
2020
2021O'Riordan's Theorem:
2022 Brains x Beauty = Constant.
2023
2024Purmal's Corollary:
2025 As the limit of (Brains x Beauty) goes to infinity,
2026availability goes to zero.
2027
2028---
2029
2030Coito ergo sum
2031
2032---
2033
2034Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip
2035around the Sun.
2036
2037---
2038
2039A conservative is a man who believes that nothing should be done for
2040the first time.
2041 -- Alfred E. Wiggam
2042
2043---
2044
2045If at first you don't succeed, give up, no use being a damn fool.
2046
2047---
2048
2049Love thy neighbor as thyself, but choose your neighborhood.
2050 -- Louise Beal
2051
2052---
2053
2054PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20)
2055 You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being
2056followed by the CIA or FBI. You have minor influence over your
2057associates and people resent your flaunting of your power. You lack
2058confidence and you are generally a coward. Pisces people do terrible
2059things to small animals.
2060
2061---
2062
2063If money can't buy happiness, I guess you'll just have to rent it.
2064
2065---
2066
2067The National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association says:
2068 Support your right to bare arms!
2069
2070---
2071
2072"See - the thing is - I'm an absolutist. I mean, kind of ... in a way ..."
2073
2074---
2075
2076Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.
2077
2078---
2079
2080Your conscience never stops you from doing anything. It just stops you
2081from enjoying it.
2082
2083---
2084
2085Ninety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules:
2086 The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of
2087the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent.
2088
2089---
2090
2091"Biology is the only science in which multiplication means the same
2092thing as division."
2093
2094---
2095
2096You are wise, witty, and wonderful, but you spend too much time reading
2097this sort of trash.
2098
2099---
2100
2101Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
2102
2103---
2104
2105Good news. Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day.
2106
2107---
2108
2109You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.
2110
2111---
2112
2113Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy.
2114
2115---
2116
2117"Last night, I came home and realized that everything in my apartment
2118had been stolen and replaced with an exact duplicate. I told this to
2119my friend -- he said, `Do I know you?'"
2120 -- Steven Wright
2121
2122---
2123
2124Never eat more than you can lift.
2125 -- Miss Piggy
2126
2127---
2128
2129You may be recognized soon. Hide.
2130
2131---
2132
2133You are here:
2134 ***
2135 ***
2136 *********
2137 *******
2138 *****
2139 ***
2140 *
2141
2142 But you're not all there.
2143
2144---
2145
2146BE ALERT!!!! (The world needs more lerts ...)
2147
2148---
2149
2150Our OS who art in CPU, UNIX be thy name.
2151 Thy programs run, thy syscalls done,
2152 In kernel as it is in user!
2153
2154---
2155
2156There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a
2157suitable application of high explosives.
2158
2159---
2160
2161"He flung himself on his horse and rode madly off in all directions"
2162
2163---
2164
2165LIBRA (Sep. 23 to Oct. 22)
2166 Your desire for justice and truth will be overshadowed by your
2167 desire for filthy lucre and a decent meal. Be gracious and
2168 polite. Someone is watching you, so stop staring like that.
2169
2170---
2171
2172LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22)
2173 You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with
2174 reality. If you are a man, you are more than likely gay.
2175 Chances for employment and monetary gains are excellent. Most
2176 Libra women are prostitutes. All Libra people die of venereal
2177 disease.
2178
2179---
2180
2181Lie, n.:
2182 A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one
2183discovered to date.
2184
2185---
2186
2187Lieberman's Law:
2188 Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
2189
2190---
2191
2192Universe, n.:
2193 The problem.
2194
2195---
2196
2197FreeBSD: everything but the fairings
2198
2199---
2200
2201Bumper sticker:
2202
2203"All the parts falling off this car are of the very finest British
2204manufacture"
2205
2206---
2207
2208"Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from
2209coughing."
2210
2211---
2212
2213VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
2214 Learn something new today, like how to spell or how to count to
2215 ten without using your fingers. Be careful dressing this
2216 morning. You may be hit by a car later in the day and you
2217 wouldn't want to be taken to the doctor's office in some of
2218 that old underwear you own.
2219
2220---
2221
2222The cow is nothing but a machine with makes grass fit for us people to
2223eat.
2224 -- John McNulty
2225
2226---
2227
2228Feel disillusioned? I've got some great new illusions ...
2229
2230---
2231
2232LEO (July 23 - Aug 22)
2233 Your determination and sense of humor will come to the fore.
2234 Your ability to laugh at adversity will be a blessing because
2235 you've got a day coming you wouldn't believe. As a matter of
2236 fact, if you can laugh at what happens to you today, you've got
2237 a sick sense of humor.
2238
2239---
2240
2241Seminars, n.:
2242 From "semi" and "arse", hence, any half-assed discussion.
2243
2244---
2245
2246Boston, n.:
2247 Ludwig van Beethoven being jeered by 50,000 sports fans for
2248finishing second in the Irish jig competition.
2249
2250---
2251
2252"Ubi non accusator, ibi non judex."
2253
2254(Where there is no police, there is no speed limit.)
2255 -- Roman Law, trans. Petr Beckmann (1971)
2256
2257---
2258
2259I've known him as a man, as an adolescent and as a child -- sometimes
2260on the same day.
2261
2262---
2263
2264Excellent day to have a rotten day.
2265
2266---
2267
2268Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning:
2269 It's on the other side.
2270
2271---
2272
2273Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom:
2274 No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats --
2275approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less.
2276
2277---
2278
2279Leibowitz's Rule:
2280 When hammering a nail, you will never hit your finger if you
2281hold the hammer with both hands.
2282
2283---
2284
2285You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have,
2286for instance.
2287 -- Franklin P. Jones
2288
2289---
2290
2291"We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his
2292hands for masturbation."
2293 -- Lily Tomlin
2294
2295---
2296
2297Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at
2298once.
2299
2300---
2301
2302"I'd love to go out with you, but I've been scheduled for a karma
2303transplant."
2304
2305---
2306
2307There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know
2308nothing about.
2309
2310---
2311
2312It's better to be wanted for murder than not to be wanted at all.
2313 -- Marty Winch
2314
2315---
2316
2317"A witty saying proves nothing."
2318 -- Voltaire
2319
2320---
2321
2322Brain fried -- Core dumped
2323
2324---
2325
2326One cannot make an omelette without breaking eggs -- but it is amazing
2327how many eggs one can break without making a decent omelette.
2328 -- Professor Charles P. Issawi
2329
2330---
2331
2332Democracy is good. I say this because other systems are worse.
2333 -- Jawaharlal Nehru
2334
2335---
2336
2337"What is wanted is not the will to believe, but the will to find out,
2338which is the exact opposite."
2339 -- Bertrand Russell, "Skeptical_Essays", 1928
2340
2341---
2342 _
2343 _ / \ o
2344 / \ | | o o o
2345 | | | | _ o o o o
2346 | \_| | / \ o o o
2347 \__ | | | o o
2348 | | | | ______ ~~~~ _____
2349 | |__/ | / ___--\\ ~~~ __/_____\__
2350 | ___/ / \--\\ \\ \ ___ <__ x x __\
2351 | | / /\\ \\ )) \ ( " )
2352 | | -------(---->>(@)--(@)-------\----------< >-----------
2353 | | // | | //__________ / \ ____) (___ \\
2354 | | // __|_| ( --------- ) //// ______ /////\ \\
2355 // | ( \ ______ / <<<< <>-----<<<<< / \\
2356 // ( ) / / \` \__ \\
2357 //-------------------------------------------------------------\\
2358
2359Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels
2360start closing in, the only cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and
2361then drive like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas ... with the
2362music at top volume and at least a pint of ether.
2363 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas"
2364
2365---
2366
2367There is no substitute for good manners, except, perhaps, fast
2368reflexes.
2369
2370---
2371
2372For large values of one, one equals two, for small values of two.
2373
2374---
2375
2376Zero Defects, n.:
2377 The result of shutting down a production line.
2378
2379---
2380
2381"It's men like him that give the Y chromosome a bad name."
2382
2383---
2384
2385Ehrman's Commentary:
2386 (1) Things will get worse before they get better.
2387 (2) Who said things would get better?
2388
2389---
2390
2391Help fight continental drift.
2392
2393---
2394
2395We have the flu. I don't know if this particular strain has an
2396official name, but if it does, it must be something like "Martian Death
2397Flu". You may have had it yourself. The main symptom is that you wish
2398you had another setting on your electric blanket, up past "HIGH", that
2399said "ELECTROCUTION".
2400
2401Another symptom is that you cease brushing your teeth, because (a) your
2402teeth hurt, and (b) you lack the strength. Midway through the brushing
2403process, you'd have to lie down in front of the sink to rest for a
2404couple of hours, and rivulets of toothpaste foam would dribble sideways
2405out of your mouth, eventually hardening into crusty little toothpaste
2406stalagmites that would bond your head permanently to the bathroom
2407floor, which is how the police would find you.
2408
2409You know the kind of flu I'm talking about.
2410 -- Dave Barry, "Molecular Homicide"
2411
2412---
2413
2414"The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and
2415to watch someone else do it wrong without comment."
2416 -- Theodore H. White
2417
2418---
2419
2420 WARNING TO ALL PERSONNEL:
2421
2422Firings will continue until morale improves.
2423
2424---
2425
2426Hardware, n.:
2427 The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.
2428
2429---
2430
2431Endless Loop: n., see Loop, Endless.
2432Loop, Endless: n., see Endless Loop.
2433 -- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary
2434
2435---
2436
2437 Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence
2438(1) Never use an elevator in a building that has been hit by a nuclear
2439 bomb; use the stairs.
2440(2) When you're flying through the air, remember to roll when you hit
2441 the ground.
2442(3) If you're on fire, avoid gasoline and other flammable materials.
2443(4) Don't attempt communication with dead people; it will only lead to
2444 psychological problems.
2445(5) Food will be scarce; you will have to scavenge. Learn to
2446 recognize foods that will be available after the bomb: mashed
2447 potatoes, shredded wheat, tossed salad, ground beef, etc.
2448(6) Put your hand over your mouth when you sneeze; internal organs
2449 will be scarce in the post-nuclear age.
2450(7) Try to be neat; fall only in designated piles.
2451(8) Drive carefully in "Heavy Fallout" areas; people could be
2452 staggering illegally.
2453(9) Nutritionally, hundred dollar bills are equal to ones, but more
2454 sanitary due to limited circulation.
2455(10) Accumulate mannequins now; spare parts will be in short supply on
2456 D-Day.
2457
2458---
2459
2460If A equals success, then the formula is A = X + Y + Z. X is work. Y
2461is play. Z is keep your mouth shut.
2462 -- Albert Einstein
2463
2464---
2465
2466Fortune's Fictitious Country Song Title of the Week:
2467 "How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?"
2468
2469---
2470
2471ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19)
2472 You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You
2473 are quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are
2474 not very nice.
2475
2476---
2477
2478"... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that,
2479lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of
2480their C programs."
2481 -- Robert Firth
2482
2483---
2484
2485Parker's Law:
2486 Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
2487
2488---
2489
2490Anarchy may not be the best form of government, but it's better than no
2491government at all.
2492
2493---
2494
2495Talking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself.
2496 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
2497
2498---
2499
2500I just forgot my whole philosophy of life!!!
2501
2502---
2503
2504Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe.
2505
2506---
2507
2508Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.
2509
2510---
2511
2512According to my best recollection, I don't remember.
2513 -- Vincent "Jimmy Blue Eyes" Alo
2514
2515---
2516
2517Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a
2518hole in his head.
2519
2520---
2521
2522"When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great
2523parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if
2524I'm leaving."
2525 -- Steven Wright
2526
2527---
2528
2529The Abrams' Principle:
2530 The shortest distance between two points is off the wall.
2531
2532---
2533
2534Review Questions
2535
2536(1) If Nerd on the planet Nutley starts out in his spaceship at 20 KPH,
2537 and his speed doubles every 3.2 seconds, how long will it be before
2538 he exceeds the speed of light? How long will it be before the
2539 Galactic Patrol picks up the pieces of his spaceship?
2540
2541(2) If Roger Rowdy wrecks his car every week, and each week he breaks
2542 twice as many bones as before, how long will it be before he breaks
2543 every bone in his body? How long will it be before they cut off
2544 his insurance? Where does he get a new car every week?
2545
2546(3) If Johnson drinks one beer the first hour (slow start), four beers
2547 the next hour, nine beers the next, etc., and stacks the cans in a
2548 pyramid, how soon will Johnson's pyramid be larger than King
2549 Tut's? When will it fall on him? Will he notice?
2550
2551---
2552
2553Some primal termite knocked on wood.
2554And tasted it, and found it good.
2555And that is why your Cousin May
2556Fell through the parlor floor today.
2557 -- Ogden Nash
2558
2559---
2560
2561The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
2562 -- Noelie Alito
2563
2564---
2565
2566Paul's Law:
2567 You can't fall off the floor.
2568
2569---
2570
2571It's better to be wanted for murder that not to be wanted at all.
2572 -- Marty Winch
2573
2574---
2575
2576You need no longer worry about the future. This time tomorrow you'll
2577be dead.
2578
2579---
2580
2581The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the
2582stupidity of your action.
2583
2584---
2585
2586"I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to
2587see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph."
2588 -- Shirley Temple
2589
2590---
2591
2592Only presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to
2593use the editorial "we."
2594
2595---
2596
2597Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
2598
2599---
2600
2601Hi there! This is just a note from me, to you, to tell you, the person
2602reading this note, that I can't think up any more famous quotes, jokes,
2603nor bizarre stories, so you may as well go home.
2604
2605---
2606
2607Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy to
2608criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.
2609 -- D. J. Hicks
2610
2611---
2612
2613Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the
2614victims he intends to eat until he eats them.
2615 -- Samuel Butler (1835-1902)
2616
2617---
2618
2619 Answers to Last Fortune's Questions:
2620
2621(1) None. (Moses didn't have an ark).
2622(2) Your mother, by the pigeonhole principle.
2623(3) I don't know.
2624(4) Who cares?
2625(5) 6 (or maybe 4, or else 3). Mr. Alfred J. Duncan of Podunk,
2626 Montana, submitted an interesting solution to Problem 5.
2627(6) There is an interesting solution to this problem on page 1029 of my
2628 book, which you can pick up for $23.95 at finer bookstores and
2629 bathroom supply outlets (or 99 cents at the table in front of
2630 Papyrus Books).
2631
2632---
2633
2634I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in
2635twenty minutes. It's about Russia.
2636 -- Woody Allen
2637
2638---
2639
2640Worst Response To A Crisis, 1985:
2641 From a readers' Q and A column in TV GUIDE: "If we get involved
2642in a nuclear war, would the electromagnetic pulses from exploding bombs
2643damage my videotapes?"
2644
2645---
2646
2647The Roman Rule
2648 The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the
2649 one who is doing it.
2650
2651---
2652
2653Power corrupts. Powerpoint corrupts absolutely.
2654 -- Vint Cerf
2655
2656---
2657
2658No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it.
2659
2660---
2661
2662The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of
2663four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all
2664the answers.
2665
2666---
2667
2668Politician, n.:
2669 From the Greek "poly" ("many") and the French "tete" ("head" or
2670"face," as in "tete-a-tete": head to head or face to face). Hence
2671"polytetien", a person of two or more faces.
2672 -- Martin Pitt
2673
2674---
2675
2676If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every
2677word you say, talk in your sleep.
2678
2679---
2680
2681So far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in
2682praise of intelligence.
2683 -- Bertrand Russell
2684
2685---
2686
2687Know thyself. If you need help, call the C.I.A.
2688
2689---
2690
2691"Apathy is not the problem, it's the solution"
2692
2693---
2694
2695A sine curve goes off to infinity or at least the end of the blackboard
2696 -- Prof. Steiner
2697
2698---
2699
2700f u cn rd ths, itn tyg h myxbl cd.
2701
2702---
2703
2704You can only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.
2705
2706---
2707
2708A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely
2709rearranging their prejudices.
2710 -- William James
2711
2712---
2713
2714 A Plan for the Improvement of English Spelling
2715 by Mark Twain
2716
2717 For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped
2718to be replased either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer
2719be part of the alphabet. The only kase in which "c" would be retained
2720would be the "ch" formation, which will be dealt with later. Year 2
2721might reform "w" spelling, so that "which" and "one" would take the
2722same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish "y" replasing it with
2723"i" and Iear 4 might fiks the "g/j" anomali wonse and for all.
2724 Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear
2725with Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12
2726or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants.
2727Bai Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi
2728ridandant letez "c", "y" and "x" -- bai now jast a memori in the maindz
2729ov ould doderez -- tu riplais "ch", "sh", and "th" rispektivli.
2730 Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud
2731hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld.
2732
2733---
2734
2735"Death is nature's way of saying `Howdy'".
2736
2737---
2738
2739 SAMPLE: To prove that horses have an infinite number of legs.
2740
2741(1) Horses have an even number of legs.
2742(2) They have two legs in back and fore legs in front.
2743(3) This makes a total of six legs, which certainly is an odd number of
2744 legs for a horse.
2745(4) But the only number that is both odd and even is infinity.
2746(5) Therefore, horses must have an infinite number of legs.
2747
2748Topics to be covered in future issues include proof by:
2749
2750 Intimidation
2751 Gesticulation (handwaving)
2752 "Try it; it works"
2753 Constipation (I was just sitting there and ...)
2754 Blatant assertion
2755 Changing all the 2's to n's
2756 Mutual consent
2757 Lack of a counterexample, and
2758 "It stands to reason"
2759
2760---
2761
2762Polymer physicists are into chains.
2763
2764---
2765
2766This fortune is inoperative. Please try another.
2767
2768---
2769
2770Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes
2771out, but that is not the reason we are doing it
2772 -- Richard Feynman
2773
2774---
2775
2776Imagine that Cray computer decides to make a personal computer. It has
2777a 150 MHz processor, 200 megabytes of RAM, 1500 megabytes of disk
2778storage, a screen resolution of 4096 x 4096 pixels, relies entirely on
2779voice recognition for input, fits in your shirt pocket and costs $300.
2780What's the first question that the computer community asks?
2781
2782"Is it PC compatible?"
2783
2784---
2785
2786The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.
2787 -- Albert Einstein
2788
2789---
2790
2791Alimony is a system by which, when two people make a mistake, one of
2792them keeps paying for it.
2793 -- Peggy Joyce
2794
2795---
2796
2797Hard work may not kill you, but why take chances?
2798
2799---
2800
2801An apple every eight hours will keep three doctors away.
2802
2803---
2804
2805A UNIX saleslady, Lenore,
2806Enjoys work, but she likes the beach more.
2807 She found a good way
2808 To combine work and play:
2809She sells C shells by the seashore.
2810
2811---
2812
2813Please ignore previous fortune.
2814
2815---
2816
2817"Houston, Tranquillity Base here. The Eagle has landed."
2818 -- Neil Armstrong
2819
2820---
2821
2822If two men agree on everything, you may be sure that one of them is
2823doing the thinking.
2824 -- Lyndon Baines Johnson
2825
2826---
2827
2828F u cn rd ths u cnt spl wrth a dm!
2829
2830---
2831
2832You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.
2833
2834---
2835
2836"We don't care. We don't have to. We're the Phone Company."
2837
2838---
2839
2840Oregon, n.:
2841 Eighty billion gallons of water with no place to go on Saturday
2842 night.
2843
2844---
2845
2846Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum --
2847"I think that I think, therefore I think that I am."
2848 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
2849
2850---
2851
2852How come wrong numbers are never busy?
2853
2854---
2855
2856 Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence
2857 Tip #1: How to tell when you are dead.
2858
2859(1) Little things start bothering you: little things like worms, bugs,
2860 ants.
2861(2) Something is missing in your personal relationships.
2862(3) Your dog becomes overly affectionate.
2863(4) You have a hard time getting a waiter.
2864(5) Exotic birds flock around you.
2865(6) People ignore you at parties.
2866(7) You have a hard time getting up in the morning.
2867(8) You no longer get off on cocaine.
2868
2869---
2870
2871Save the Whales -- Harpoon a Honda.
2872
2873---
2874
2875The IQ of the group is the lowest IQ of a member of the group divided
2876by the number of people in the group.
2877
2878---
2879
2880If you can lead it to water and force it to drink, it isn't a horse.
2881
2882---
2883
2884Your fault: core dumped
2885
2886---
2887
2888LEO (July 23 - Aug 22)
2889 You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are
2890 pushy. Most Leo people are bullies. You are vain and dislike
2891 honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people
2892 are thieves.
2893
2894---
2895
2896Never settle with words what you can accomplish with a flame thrower.
2897
2898---
2899
2900Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have!
2901
2902---
2903
2904A consultant is a person who borrows your watch, tells you what time it
2905is, pockets the watch, and sends you a bill for it.
2906
2907---
2908
2909"The best argument against democracy is a five minute
2910conversation with the average voter."
2911 -- Winston Churchill
2912
2913---
2914
2915In English, every word can be verbed. Would that it were so in our
2916programming languages.
2917
2918---
2919
2920For perfect happiness, remember two things:
2921 (1) Be content with what you've got.
2922 (2) Be sure you've got plenty.
2923
2924---
2925
2926Rules:
2927 (1) The boss is always right.
2928 (2) When the boss is wrong, refer to rule 1.
2929
2930---
2931
2932O'Toole's Commentary on Murphy's Law:
2933 Murphy was an optimist.
2934
2935---
2936
2937Why marry a virgin? If she wasn't good enough for the rest of them
2938then she isn't good enough for you.
2939
2940---
2941
2942Q: How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher,
2943 or an airline stewardess?
2944A: A nurse says: "This won't hurt a bit." A schoolteacher says:
2945 "We're going to have to do this over and over again until we get it
2946 right." An airline stewardess says: "Just hold this over your
2947 mouth and nose, and breathe normally."
2948
2949---
2950
2951"The Army is a place where you get up early in the morning to be yelled
2952at by people with short haircuts and tiny brains."
2953 -- Dave Barry
2954
2955---
2956
2957CLONE OF MY OWN (to Home on the Range)
2958
2959Oh, give me a clone
2960Of my own flesh and bone
2961 With the Y chromosome changed to X.
2962And when she is grown,
2963My very own clone,
2964 We'll be of the opposite sex.
2965
2966Chorus:
2967 Clone, clone of my own,
2968 With the Y chromosome changed to X.
2969 And when we're alone,
2970 Since her mind is my own,
2971 She'll be thinking of nothing but sex.
2972 -- Randall Garrett
2973
2974---
2975
2976There are two sides to every divorce: yours and the shithead's.
2977
2978---
2979
2980Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
2981 -- Albert Einstein
2982
2983---
2984
2985The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up
2986in the morning, and does not stop until you get to school.
2987
2988---
2989
2990If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
2991
2992---
2993
2994Why bother building any more nuclear warheads until we use the ones we
2995have?
2996
2997---
2998
2999A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely
3000rearranging their prejudices.
3001 -- William James
3002
3003---
3004
3005NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION
3006
3007---
3008
3009Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint.
3010 -- Mark Twain
3011
3012---
3013
3014"We had it tough ... I had to get up at 9 o'clock at night, half an
3015hour before I went to bed, eat a lump of dry poison, work 29 hours down
3016mill, and when we came home our Dad would kill us, and dance about on
3017our grave singing Halleluja ..."
3018 -- Monty Python
3019
3020---
3021
3022 DELETE A FORTUNE!
3023
3024Don't some of these fortunes just drive you nuts?! Wouldn't you like
3025to see some of them deleted from the system? You can! Just mail to
3026"fortune" with the fortune you hate most, and we MIGHT make sure it
3027gets expunged.
3028
3029---
3030
3031"A raccoon tangled with a 23,000 volt line today. The results blacked
3032out 1400 homes and, of course, one raccoon."
3033 -- Steel City News
3034
3035---
3036
3037"This is a test of the Emergency Broadcast System. If this had been an
3038actual emergency, do you really think we'd stick around to tell you?"
3039
3040---
3041
3042USER, n.:
3043 The word computer professionals use when they mean "idiot."
3044 -- Dave Barry, "Claw Your Way to the Top"
3045
3046---
3047
3048When I was a kid I said to my father one afternoon, "Daddy, will you
3049take me to the zoo?" He answered, "If the zoo wants you let them come
3050and get you."
3051 -- Jerry Lewis
3052
3053---
3054
3055Fourth Law of Thermodynamics: If the probability of success is not
3056almost one, it is damn near zero.
3057 -- David Ellis
3058
3059---
3060
3061Grandpa Charnock's Law:
3062 You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
3063
3064---
3065
3066Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable.
3067 -- Plato
3068
3069---
3070
3071Stult's Report:
3072 Our problems are mostly behind us. What we have to do now is
3073fight the solutions.
3074
3075---
3076
3077Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
3078A: Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb
3079 itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective
3080 reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a
3081 maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
3082
3083---
3084
3085All things are possible, except skiing thru a revolving door.
3086
3087---
3088
3089The moon may be smaller than Earth, but it's further away.
3090
3091---
3092
3093Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.
3094 -- Frank Zappa
3095
3096---
3097
3098To be is to do.
3099 -- I. Kant
3100To do is to be.
3101 -- A. Sartre
3102Yabba-Dabba-Doo!
3103 -- F. Flintstone
3104
3105---
3106
3107If you want to know what god thinks of money, just look at the people
3108he gave it to.
3109 -- Dorothy Parker
3110
3111---
3112
3113The Killer Ducks are coming!!!
3114
3115---
3116
3117People who are funny and smart and return phone calls get much better
3118press than people who are just funny and smart.
3119 -- Howard Simons, "The Washington Post"
3120
3121---
3122
3123Skinner's Constant (or Flannagan's Finagling Factor):
3124 That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to,
3125 or subtracted from the answer you get, gives you the answer you should
3126 have gotten.
3127
3128---
3129
3130Honk if you love peace and quiet.
3131
3132---
3133
3134Jenkinson's Law:
3135 It won't work.
3136
3137---
3138
3139Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he
3140knows what it is.
3141
3142---
3143
3144The marvels of today's modern technology include the development of a
3145soda can, when discarded will last forever ... and a $7,000 car which
3146when properly cared for will rust out in two or three years.
3147
3148---
3149
3150Lunatic Asylum, n.:
3151 The place where optimism most flourishes.
3152
3153---
3154
3155It is hard to predict, in particular about the future.
3156 -- Robert Storm Petersen
3157
3158---
3159
3160A bird in the hand makes it awfully hard to blow your nose.
3161
3162---
3163
3164There are many intelligent species in the universe. They all own
3165cats.
3166
3167---
3168
3169Real programmers don't comment their code. It was hard to write, it
3170should be hard to understand.
3171
3172---
3173
3174All syllogisms have three parts, therefore this is not a syllogism.
3175
3176---
3177
3178SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21)
3179 You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You will
3180 achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of
3181 ethics. Most Scorpio people are murdered.
3182
3183---
3184
3185The geographical center of Boston is in Roxbury. Due north of the
3186center we find the South End. This is not to be confused with South
3187Boston which lies directly east from the South End. North of the South
3188End is East Boston and southwest of East Boston is the North End.
3189
3190---
3191
3192Message will arrive in the mail. Destroy, before the FBI sees it.
3193
3194---
3195
3196"Cogito ergo I'm right and you're wrong."
3197 -- Blair Houghton
3198
3199---
3200
3201As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error.
3202 -- Weisert
3203
3204---
3205
3206I have great faith in fools -- self confidence my friends call it.
3207 -- Edgar Allan Poe
3208
3209---
3210
3211A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular.
3212
3213---
3214
3215Rules for driving in New York:
3216 (1) Anything done while honking your horn is legal.
3217 (2) You may park anywhere if you turn your four-way flashers
3218 on.
3219 (3) A red light means the next six cars may go through the
3220 intersection.
3221
3222---
3223
3224"A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives."
3225
3226---
3227
3228Finding out what goes on in the C.I.A. is like performing acupuncture
3229on a rock.
3230 -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981
3231
3232---
3233
3234Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.
3235 --Hector Berlioz
3236
3237---
3238
3239You might have mail.
3240
3241---
3242
3243A good question is never answered. It is not a bolt to be tightened
3244into place but a seed to be planted and to bear more seed toward the
3245hope of greening the landscape of idea.
3246 -- John Ciardi
3247
3248---
3249
3250They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid!
3251
3252---
3253
3254Spelling is a lossed art.
3255
3256---
3257
3258"I'd love to go out with you, but I never go out on days that end in `Y.'"
3259
3260---
3261
3262I have a simple philosophy:
3263
3264 Fill what's empty.
3265 Empty what's full.
3266 Scratch where it itches.
3267 -- A. R. Longworth
3268
3269---
3270
3271Truth will be out this morning. (Which may really mess things up.)
3272
3273---
3274
3275Did you know that there are 71.9 acres of nipple tissue in the U.S.?
3276
3277---
3278
3279"He's not pining, he's passed on! This parrot won't squawk! He's
3280ceased to be! He's expired, and gone to meet his maker! It's a
3281stiff! No breath of life, he may rest in peace! If you hadn't nailed
3282him to the perch, he'd be pushing up the daisies! He's off the twig!
3283He's kicked the bucket! He's curled up his tooties! He's shuffled off
3284this mortal world! He's run down the curtain, and joined the bleed'n
3285Choir Invincible! HE'S FUCKING SNUFFED IT! Vis-a-vi his metabolic
3286processes is head is lost. All statements concerning this parrot is no
3287longer a going concern, after from now on, Inoperative...
3288
3289 THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!!"
3290
3291---
3292
3293God is an atheist.
3294
3295---
3296
3297Q: What do you get when you cross James Dean with Ronald Reagan?
3298A: A rebel without a clue.
3299
3300---
3301
3302Condoms are like listening to a symphony with cotton in your ears.
3303
3304---
3305
3306I am an atheist, thank God!
3307
3308---
3309
3310LET Jesus be YOUR anchor!
3311So when Satan rocks your boat, THROW Jesus overboard!
3312
3313---
3314
3315Virgin, n.:
3316 An ugly third grader.
3317
3318---
3319
3320Claude believed that only smart attractive people had the right to
3321fuck, and it sincerely hurt him when he discovered evidence to the
3322contrary.
3323 -- Tom Robbins
3324
3325---
3326
3327"If God had wanted us to use the metric system, Jesus would have had 10
3328apostles."
3329
3330---
3331
3332Chipmunks roasting on an open fire
3333Jack Frost ripping up your nose
3334Yuletide carolers being thrown in the fire
3335And folks dressed up like buffaloes
3336Everybody knows a turkey slaughtered in the snow
3337Helps to make the season right
3338Tiny tots with their eyes all gouged out
3339Will find it hard to see tonight
3340They know that Santa's on his way
3341He's loaded lots of guns and bullets on his sleigh
3342And every mother's child is sure to spy
3343To see if reindeer really scream when they die
3344And so I'm offering this simple phrase
3345To kids from one to ninety two
3346Although it's been said many times, many ways
3347Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Fuck you!!
3348
3349---
3350
3351It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it
3352is. If you don't, it's its. Then too, it's hers. It isn't her's. It
3353isn't our's either. It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs.
3354 -- Oxford University Press, Edpress News
3355
3356---
3357
3358Flugg's Law:
3359 When you need to knock on wood is when you realize that the
3360world is composed of vinyl, naugahyde and aluminum.
3361
3362---
3363
3364Stupidity got us into this mess -- why can't it get us out?
3365
3366---
3367
3368Law of Selective Gravity:
3369 An object will fall so as to do the most damage.
3370
3371Jenning's Corollary:
3372 The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is
3373 directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
3374
3375---
3376
3377Pardo's First Postulate:
3378 Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or
3379 fattening.
3380
3381Arnold's Addendum:
3382 Everything else causes cancer in rats.
3383
3384---
3385
3386Signals don't kill programs. Programs kill programs.
3387
3388---
3389
3390Yesterday I was a dog. Today I'm a dog. Tomorrow I'll probably still
3391be a dog. Sigh! There's so little hope for advancement.
3392 -- Snoopy
3393
3394---
3395
3396Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today, because if you enjoy
3397it today you can do it again tomorrow.
3398
3399---
3400
3401Remember, drive defensively! And of course, the best defense is a good
3402offense!
3403
3404---
3405
3406PISCES (Feb. 19 to Mar. 20)
3407
3408 Take the high road, look for the good things, carry the
3409American Express card and a weapon. The world is yours today, as
3410nobody else wants it. Your mortgage will be foreclosed. You will
3411probably get run over by a bus.
3412
3413---
3414
3415Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest
3416way of selling goods, particularly if the goods are worthless.
3417 -- Sinclair Lewis
3418
3419---
3420
3421Grabel's Law:
3422 2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for large values of 2.
3423
3424---
3425
3426Everyone talks about apathy, but no one does anything about it.
3427
3428---
3429
3430"I'd love to go out with you, but the man on television told me to stay
3431tuned."
3432
3433---
3434
3435"By the time they had diminished from 50 to 8, the other dwarves began
3436to suspect 'Hungry' ..."
3437 -- Gary Larson, "The Far Side"
3438
3439---
3440
3441All the taxes paid over a lifetime by the average American are spent by
3442the government in less than a second.
3443 -- Jim Fiebig
3444
3445---
3446
3447Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking distance.
3448
3449---
3450
3451UNIX Sex {
3452 look; find; talk; grep; touch; finger; find; flex; unzip; mount;
3453 workbone; fsck; yes; gasp; fsck; yes; eject; umount; makeclean; zip;
3454 split; done; exit }
3455
3456---
3457
3458"I know the answer! The answer lies within the heart of all mankind!
3459The answer is twelve? I think I'm in the wrong building."
3460 -- Charles Schulz
3461
3462---
3463
3464You know you've been spending too much time on the computer when your
3465friend misdates a check, and you suggest adding a "++" to fix it.
3466
3467---
3468
3469Children aren't happy without something to ignore,
3470And that's what parents were created for.
3471 -- Ogden Nash
3472
3473---
3474
3475Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.
3476
3477---
3478
3479Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy to
3480criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.
3481 -- D. J. Hicks
3482
3483---
3484
3485In 1750 Issac Newton became discouraged when he fell up a flight of
3486stairs.
3487
3488---
3489
3490All men are mortal. Socrates was mortal. Therefore, all men are
3491Socrates.
3492 -- Woody Allen
3493
3494---
3495
3496It's no surprise that things are so screwed up: everyone that knows how
3497to run a government is either driving taxicabs or cutting hair.
3498 -- George Burns
3499
3500---
3501
3502You never know how many friends you have until you rent a house on the
3503beach.
3504
3505---
3506
3507Do you have lysdexia?
3508
3509---
3510
3511If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions?
3512
3513---
3514
3515Character Density, n.:
3516 The number of very weird people in the office.
3517
3518---
3519
3520Disclaimer: "These opinions are my own, though for a small fee they be
3521yours too."
3522 -- Dave Haynie
3523
3524---
3525
3526Isn't it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction
3527listen to weather forecasts and economists?
3528 -- Kelvin Throop III
3529
3530---
3531
3532Kiss me twice. I'm schizophrenic.
3533
3534---
3535
3536Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for
3537word what you shouldn't have said.
3538
3539---
3540
3541"I'm returning this note to you, instead of your paper, because it
3542(your paper) presently occupies the bottom of my bird cage."
3543 -- English Professor, Providence College
3544
3545---
3546
3547Jone's Law:
3548 The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone
3549 to blame it on.
3550
3551---
3552
3553If you're right 90% of the time, why quibble about the remaining 3%?
3554
3555---
3556
3557Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.
3558
3559---
3560
3561Dare to be naive.
3562 -- R. Buckminster Fuller
3563
3564---
3565
3566"The New York Times is read by the people who run the country. The
3567Washington Post is read by the people who think they run the country.
3568The National Enquirer is read by the people who think Elvis is alive
3569and running the country ..."
3570 -- Robert J Woodhead
3571
3572---
3573
3574Mad, adj.:
3575 Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence ...
3576 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
3577
3578---
3579
3580Second Law of Business Meetings:
3581 If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you
3582 will pick the wrong one.
3583
3584Corollary:
3585 If there is only one way to spell a name, you will spell it
3586 wrong, anyway.
3587
3588---
3589
3590"If we were meant to fly, we wouldn't keep losing our luggage."
3591
3592---
3593
3594"I don't believe in astrology. But then I'm an Aquarius, and Aquarians
3595don't believe in astrology."
3596 -- James R. F. Quirk
3597
3598---
3599
3600It happened that a fire broke out backstage in a theater. The clown
3601came out to inform the public. They thought it was just a jest and
3602applauded. He repeated his warning, they shouted even louder. So I
3603think the world will come to an end amid general applause from all the
3604wits, who believe that it is a joke.
3605 -- S. A. Kierkegaard (1813-1855)
3606
3607---
3608
3609I can read your mind, and you should be ashamed of yourself.
3610
3611---
3612
3613There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to.
3614
3615---
3616
3617There is no TRUTH. There is no REALITY. There is no CONSISTENCY.
3618There are no ABSOLUTE STATEMENTS. I'm very probably wrong.
3619
3620---
3621
3622"We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his
3623hands for masturbation."
3624 -- Lily Tomlin
3625
3626---
3627
3628TV is chewing gum for the eyes.
3629 -- Frank Lloyd Wright
3630
3631---
3632
3633The more we disagree, the more chance there is that at least one of us
3634is right.
3635
3636---
3637
3638Katz' Law:
3639 Man and nations will act rationally when all other
3640 possibilities have been exhausted.
3641
3642---
3643
3644Naeser's Law:
3645 You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it
3646 damnfoolproof.
3647
3648---
3649
3650Jesus Saves, Moses Invests, but only Buddha pays Dividends.
3651
3652---
3653
3654Binary, adj.:
3655 Possessing the ability to have friends of both sexes.
3656
3657---
3658
3659Tomorrow will be canceled due to lack of interest.
3660
3661---
3662
3663!07/11 PDP a ni deppart m'I !pleH
3664
3665---
3666
3667"In Christianity neither morality nor religion come into contact with reality
3668at any point."
3669 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
3670
3671---
3672
3673It's like deja vu all over again.
3674 -- Yogi Berra
3675
3676---
3677
3678Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur.
3679 [Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound.]
3680
3681---
3682
3683BOFH excuse #227:
3684
3685Fatal error right in front of screen.
3686
3687---
3688
3689Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.
3690
3691---
3692
3693Democracy, n.:
3694
3695 A government of the masses. Authority derived through mass
3696meeting or any other form of direct expression. Results in mobocracy.
3697Attitude toward property is communistic... negating property rights.
3698Attitude toward law is that the will of the majority shall regulate,
3699whether it is based upon deliberation or governed by passion,
3700prejudice, and impulse, without restraint or regard to consequences.
3701Result is demagogism, license, agitation, discontent, anarchy.
3702 -- U. S. Army Training Manual No. 2000-25 (1928-1932),
3703 since withdrawn.
3704
3705---
3706
3707Democracy is a device that insures we shall be governed no better than
3708we deserve.
3709 -- George Bernard Shaw
3710
3711---
3712
3713A tautology is a thing which is tautological.
3714
3715---
3716
3717Anyone can make an omelet with eggs. The trick is to make one with
3718none.
3719
3720---
3721
3722The last good thing written in C was Franz Schubert's Symphony No. 9.
3723 -- Werner Trobin
3724
3725---
3726
3727An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.
3728
3729---
3730
3731Putt's Law:
3732 Technology is dominated by two types of people:
3733 Those who understand what they do not manage.
3734 Those who manage what they do not understand.
3735
3736---
3737
3738186,282 miles per second:
3739It isn't just a good idea, it's the law!
3740
3741---
3742
3743THIS IS PLEDGE WEEK FOR THE FORTUNE PROGRAM
3744
3745If you like the fortune program, why not support it now with your
3746contribution of a pithy fortune, clean or obscene? We cannot continue
3747without your support. Less than 14% of all fortune users are
3748contributors. That means that 86% of you are getting a free ride. We
3749can't go on like this much longer. Federal cutbacks mean less money
3750for fortunes, and unless user contributions increase to make up the
3751difference, the fortune program will have to shut down between midnight
3752and 8 a.m. Don't let this happen. Mail your fortunes right now to
3753"fortune". Just type in your favorite pithy saying. Do it now before
3754you forget. Our target is 300 new fortunes by the end of the week.
3755Don't miss out. All fortunes will be acknowledged. If you contribute
375630 fortunes or more, you will receive a free subscription to "The
3757Fortune Hunter", our monthly program guide. If you contribute 50 or
3758more, you will receive a free "Fortune Hunter" coffee mug ....
3759
3760---
3761
3762Q: What do you call a principal female opera singer whose high C
3763 is lower than those of other principal female opera singers?
3764A: A deep C diva.
3765
3766---
3767
3768While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own
3769form of misery.
3770
3771---
3772
3773When a fly lands on the ceiling, does it do a half roll or a half
3774loop?
3775
3776---
3777
3778Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
3779A: Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb
3780 itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective
3781 reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a
3782 maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
3783
3784---
3785
3786NEWS FLASH!!
3787 Today the East German pole-vault champion became the West
3788 German pole-vault champion.
3789
3790---
3791
3792"Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go
3793away".
3794 -- Philip K. Dick
3795
3796---
3797
3798If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law.
3799 -- Roy Santoro
3800
3801---
3802
3803Q: How many Harvard MBA's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
3804A: Just one. He grasps it firmly and the universe revolves around
3805 him.
3806
3807---
3808
3809Happiness, n.:
3810 An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of
3811 another.
3812 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
3813
3814---
3815
3816All science is either physics or stamp collecting.
3817 -- E. Rutherford
3818
3819---
3820
3821EOF