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21Transcript of AVGN episode Spider-Man
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24COMMENTS (6)
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28Spider-Man - Angry Video Game Nerd - Episode 24
29Spider-Man - Angry Video Game Nerd - Episode 24
30
31Contents[show]
32Spider-Man (Atari 2600)
33The Nerd: Spider-Man on the Atari 2600. Let's pop this sucker in here. We're playin' with the Atari wireless controller. Pretty nifty, right? Atari was ahead of their time. So, you're just climbin' up the building, you're shooting with the web, which is, like, black for some reason. It almost looks like Spider-Man's shootin' out like a long turd or somethin'. And, you can't touch anything, except the yellow parts, so, oh, the web didn't reach, oh, and I'm fallin', but you can save yourself if you just keep shootin' the web. So, anyway, you're just tryin' to get up here. You can shoot diagonal too, but it's really finicky with the controller. Aww, FUCK! Oh, God! Oh, shit! This game is just fuckin' horrible!
34
35(Spider-Man enters.)
36
37The Nerd: Holy shit! It's Spider-Man!
38
39Spider-Man: You need some help with this game?
40
41The Nerd: I sure do! This shitty-ass fuckin' game's drivin' me nuts!
42
43Spider-Man: This game can't be shitty. This is Spider-Man!
44
45The Nerd: Yeah, it's Spider-Man, but sorry, Spider-Man, this game really does suck.
46
47Spider-Man: You must be doin' somethin' wrong. Let me help you with this game.
48
49The Nerd: You'll help me with this game?
50
51Spider-Man: Absolutely.
52
53The Nerd: Oh, gee whiz! Thanks, Spider-Man!
54
55Spider-Man: I'll show you how it's done. See, you gotta press the up, right?
56
57The Nerd: Yeah, I got that part.
58
59Spider-Man: It's really so easy, it's practically boring in a way. You could just go up, up, up. See, I like goin' diagonal because it sometimes gets boring goin' straight. Gettin' to the top. Gettin' to the top. (Creates a little rap) "James likes the little web. Little web, little web, little web, little web, little web."
60
61The Nerd: What is that thing supposed to be? It's-it's like a checkerboard or like a disco cube or somethin'.
62
63Spider-Man: That's the Superbomb.
64
65The Nerd: The Superbomb?
66
67Spider-Man: The Superbomb.
68
69The Nerd: Well, there's bombs in the game, why can't that bomb look like a bomb?
70
71Spider-Man: It's fuckin' Spider-Man!
72
73The Nerd: Yeah, I know!
74
75Spider-Man: Watch this.
76
77The Nerd: You can't touch the Superbomb.
78
79Spider-Man: Wait, you gotta go around it?
80
81The Nerd: Oh, there you go, oh, no! He's gonna get'cha, he's gonna get'cha! AH! Ah, you're fallin', you're fallin'! Oh, my- uh! When you let go- you know what's gonna happen when you let go of that button? You're gonna fall.
82
83Spider-Man: (groans) Y'know, this is startin' to piss me off, actually.
84
85The Nerd: There you go, c'mon! Ah, ya died.
86
87Spider-Man: Well, you're talkin' to me! FUCKLOAD OF SHIT!
88
89The Nerd: This is YOUR game! YOUR GAME!
90
91Spider-Man: SHIT-FUCK! FUCK! GOD--FUCK! ARRRRGH!! (Use web to take the game out of Atari while the overworld theme to Fester's Quest plays.) THIS GAME SUCKS MY SPIDER BALLS! IT'S HORRIBLE!
92
93(Spider-Man smashes game to ground.)
94
95The Nerd: Don't worry, Spider-Man, it's only a game. Here, have a beer.
96
97Spider-Man: I don't want this corporate bullshit.
98
99The Nerd: It's Rolling Rock.
100
101Spider-Man: It's Shit Rock. (Pours beer out, shows Yuengling bottle.) Stick to the local brew. (The Nerd takes swig.) That's the local brew. (The Nerd approves the beer taste, gives it a thumbs up.)
102
103Spider-Man: Return of the Sinister Six (NES)
104The Nerd: Well, we've got another game on the NES, and we're gonna play it in the Top Loader. Yeah, we're bein' pretty fancy today. The game's Spider-Man: Return of the Sinister Shit.
105
106Spider-Man: I'm tryin' to understand the controls here.
107
108The Nerd: Alright, A punches, if you tap A, it does like a jump kick. Oh, you hold the button, and it shoots the web. The control is awful, and the worst thing about tryin' to review a game with bad controls is that you can't explain it. You can only jump straight up. Unless you-you already push-
109
110Spider-Man: Y'know, you're pressin' the wrong buttons.
111
112The Nerd: No, I'm not! Look, I can't even hit this guy! Oh, look at this!
113
114Spider-Man: Get him! Why are you fuckin' jerkin' around?
115
116The Nerd: Even when I'm falling, I can't steer myself.
117
118Spider-Man: Why are you jumpin' all over the place?
119
120The Nerd: Because every time I hit the button it, like, jumps.
121
122Spider-Man: Well, wait for him to come to you!
123
124The Nerd: There's no, like jump kick move, like you can't jump then do an attack.
125
126Spider-Man: Well, then, don't do that move!
127
128The Nerd: Well, he- I can't hit him when he's in the air.
129
130Spider-Man: Well, wait for him to come down, then!
131
132The Nerd: Look, now what's he doing? He's not gonna come up. I can't even tell if I’m hitting him.
133
134Spider-Man: Oh, you got him!
135
136The Nerd: Did I?
137
138Spider-Man: The power bar went down, but you're gonna fuckin' die way before than he does.
139
140The Nerd: Come on, dammit!
141
142Spider-Man: Just wait. Patience. There's no fuckin' clock in this game. There's only 20 of 'em... in the background.
143
144The Nerd: Thank fuckin' Lord!
145
146Spider-Man: Alright.
147
148The Nerd: Look, see, you can't even kill that one guy.
149
150Spider-Man: But is it necessary to kill 'em in all honesty? D'we have to kill everybody we see? I'm the Nerd. I'm the Nerd. Look how I play. I go back and forth, back and forth. This is what the Nerd does. He goes back and forth. And this level is fuckin' annoyin' me. There's nuthin' up here, so you go down, and you go down, and then you.... kill somethin' and you fuckin' go down, and you can't go that way, so you, you go up. Alright, Goddammit! There's nuthin' over here. What the fuck's the point of this? Alright, you know what? This-this game's a piece of shit. I dunno what the fuck I'm doin', I dunno where the fuck I'm goin', I can't get up here! Do it, dammit!
151
152The Nerd: Jump! Jump! Jump! Jump! Jump! Jump!
153
154The Nerd and Spider-Man: IT'S A PIECE OF SHIT!
155
156Spider-Man: IT'S A BUNCH OF FUCKIN' CRAP! (Takes game out using web and destroys it while "New Junk City" from Earthworm Jim plays.)
157
158The Amazing Spider-Man (Game Boy)
159The Nerd: Alright, we've got another game on the Game Boy. To play the Game Boy, you need the game. Here's the Game, that's the Boy, this is the Game Boy. The game is The Amazing Spider-Man, and believe it or not, the control is even worse. The punch is delayed, like a full second later. And that was the web? That's ridiculous. How do I get up?
160
161Spider-Man: Jump! Jump!
162
163The Nerd I am jumping! Look, it won't-
164
165Spider-Man: You fuckin' look retarded. See, now you're bein' Spider-Man. Shit. Alright, now you're fuckin' bein' dead.
166
167The Nerd: Look at this; there's just all this fallin' rock crap on me. Wow, there's a suicide button in the game!
168
169Spider-Man: Well, whaddya expect? You're fuckin' jumpin' while you're tryin' to hang on to a building.
170
171The Nerd: I can't climb up there!
172
173Spider-Man: Go in!
174
175The Nerd: I'm tryin'!
176
177Spider-Man: Jump! Ya halfta jump to it.
178
179The Nerd: Oh, okay. So that's what the jump button's for. Okay, you're pretty much depended on the web to get over some of these jumps. But, how do ya do the web? I dunno. The control just does whatever the fuck it wants! LOOK AT THAT! HOLY SHIT! Oh, my God, I can't- I tried to jump, I swear! This is God-awful, this is ass.
180
181Spider-Man: Lemme try the game out.
182
183The Nerd: Knock yourself out.
184
185(Spider-Man climbs to ceiling.)
186
187The Nerd: Whaddya doin' on my fuckin' ceiling?
188
189Spider-Man: Okay, I agree, the control is a little delayed, but- oh; and then you fuckin' just do this-
190
191The Nerd: What're ya gonna do there?
192
193Spider-Man: I dunno. Goddammit! Argh! Alright, this guy's fuckin' impossible. Get over here, ya fuckin' sunuvabitch! (while hitting himself with Game Boy) WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THESE GAME DESIGNERS?! (hits ceiling with Game Boy) THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK THEY'RE DOIN'! I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY DID THIS TO ME! THEY MADE A GAME OUTTA ME, AND IT'S FUCKIN' SHIT! IT'S HORRIBLE!
194
195(Throws Game Boy to ground, smashing it.)
196
197Spider-Man 2 (Game Boy Advance)
198The Nerd: One more game. Spider-Man 2 on the Game Boy Advance. Well, I'm playin' it on my DS, to be exact. Alright, well, this is the first level of the game, and you gotta deliver pizzas.
199
200Spider-Man: They put that in a video game?
201
202The Nerd: Well, that's pretty weird, yeah. I mean, you delivered pizzas before though, right?
203
204Spider-Man: No, no, no, I never did that.
205
206The Nerd: Yeah, you did in the movie, Spider-Man 2.
207
208Spider-Man: I did that at one point, but I don't want people fuckin' knowin' about that.
209
210The Nerd: Did you ever have to break a window to deliver a pizza?
211
212Spider-Man: Not on purpose, but for them to put that in the game, it's insulting, and it's-
213
214The Nerd: Yeah, I agree.
215
216Spider-Man: I'm a superhero. I shouldn't be known as a pizza delivery man.
217
218The Nerd: I wish Spider-Man would deliver my pizzas every day.
219
220(Spider-Man flips the Nerd off.)
221
222Spider-Man: I'm gonna fuckin' shove a pizza up your fuckin' ass!
223
224Spider-Man Theme Song
225(Kyle Justin plays a parody of the Spider-Man theme song)
226
227Kyle Justin: Spider-Man, Spider-Man,
228
229Takes a dump in a coffee can,
230
231Plays some games with a grudge,
232
233Gonna shit out some anal fudge,
234
235Look out, here comes some shitty games!
236
237Alcohol is his power source,
238
239Takes a piss like a drunken horse,
240
241Climbs a wall, then he falls,
242
243This game sucks his spider balls,
244
245Oh, no! He's playin' the shitty games!
246
247When he plays his games, he feels so ashamed.
248
249He shoots web from his wrist,
250
251But now Spider-Man's fuckin'... pissed.
252
253Angry Nerd, Angry Nerd,
254
255Rather suck on a frozen turd,
256
257Or eat some crap from a moose,
258
259Gonna chug down some poopy juice.
260
261These games,
262
263Are such a great big fuck-up,
264
265They make you wanna throw up,
266
267All over Spider...Man.
268
269Categories:
270Transcripts Transcripts of 2007 Angry Video Game Nerd episodes
271Community content is available under CC-BY-SA unless otherwise noted.
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356Transcripts, Transcripts of 2007 Angry Video Game Nerd episodes
357Transcript of AVGN episode Silver Surfer
358EDIT
359 
360COMMENTS (2)
361 
362SHARE
363 MV5BOTVhMWY1ZDAtYmY5YS00ODE1LThjMWMtM2YzMGM2N2FmNzI4XkEyXkFqcGdeQXVyMTQzMjU1NjE@. V1 
364Silver Surfer - NES - Angry Video Game Nerd - Episode 27
365Silver Surfer - NES - Angry Video Game Nerd - Episode 27
366
367The Nerd: Alright, this is Silver Surfer. Silver SHIT! (inserts game into NES and turns it on) He looks so stupid! I mean, what the Hell's wrong with him? He's just like... like... (The Nerd tries to imitate Silver Surfer's pose.)
368
369(Stage select screen appears)
370
371The Nerd: Alright, so you get this stage select thing, kinda like in Mega Man, which is good for the sake of this review, so I don't really have to beat anything to show you all the stages in the game.
372
373(Game starts)
374
375The Nerd: So it's just like one of those fly-and-shoot games, kinda like Defender or LifeForce, you know. Nothin' too special, but, not bad, actually. Your weapon's kinda lame, but there's power-ups which let you shoot double. (Silver Surfer dies from touching the wall) ...the fuck? I can't touch the walls? That's right. You can't touch anything in this game, so don't fuck around.
376
377The Nerd: Anyway, what was I saying about the weapons? Oh yeah, th-there's-there's not much else I think you can get. I mean, you can shoot backwards, like if somebody's comin' behind you, and that's always a real shit-sucker 'cause you wanna concentrate on what's ahead. It's kinda clumsy to switch back, because you press the B button to change direction, but use A to shoot. (Silver Surfer falls) Ah, fuck! I guess that wasn't a good time to demonstrate.
378
379The Nerd: So there you go, shootin' the rubber ducky, which doesn't die. (Silver Surfer dies) OH, FUCK! If you play this game, one thing I can guarantee, is that your thumb is gonna get pretty damn sore from tapping that button. There's not one instant when you can take a break. You're constantly firing away, even when there's nothing in sight, because you don't know what's coming up. I mean there's no reason not to be shooting, and this wouldn't bother me so fuckin' much if you could just hold down the button and let it keep shooting, but no. Of course not. So what you need, is a turbo button. Whether it's an NES Advantage or an NES Max, put that other fuckin' controller away, press that turbo button, and never let go.
380
381The Nerd: So I beat the stage, though each stage consists of two or more sections. Now we're in the second section, and we got an overhead view which is equally as difficult as any of the rest. Actually I think they're worse, because you don't know what's supposed to be underneath you or blocking you. I'm assuming I can't touch these wooden parts. Uh-oh, now I'm probably fucked... (Silver Surfer goes through) Oh, never mind, I guess I can go through those. See, the graphics are so unclear as to what you're allowed to touch and what you're not. You don't know what the hazards are. (Silver Surfer gets killed by an almost-invisible bullet) Look at that. That's not fair. I couldn't see that tiny bullet comin' through the trees. It's like camouflaged. And the way those waves move, it's just like a bunch of flickering blue lines. It plays with your eyes and fucks you all up. What a cruel game.
382
383The Nerd: I give up. I'm tryin' another stage: Fire Lord. Alright, another overhead. (Silver Surfer dies from touching the ground) Ah, FUCK! I can't believe this. You can't touch the ground. That means that you have to stay in the brown area, which pretty much limits you to about 20% of the screen. This is ridiculous, just stayin' within this narrow range. It's like playing the game Operation, but with a bunch of shit flyin' around tryin' to kill you. You have such a tight space to maneuver if you wanna kill these things. Come on, come on! (exclaims and shakes head) Let's try again. Come on, come on! OH, FUCK! (Silver Surfer crashes into the side, killing him) If only his board wasn't so goddamn long! Or if you can go diagonally, like if you can go at an angle, but you're always pointing straight, which makes it impossible to squeeze through narrow spots like this.
384
385The Nerd: You know, it's so easy to die in this game, and every time you die, you have to see this. (Game over screen with Silver Surfer bent over and crying in sad surrender) This sad, pathetic image of Silver Surfer just trembling in defeat. If you play this game, this image will be burned into your retina. And how appropriate, because this picture expresses better than words my feelings on this game. Just look at it. That sums up the whole thing.
386
387The Nerd: What'd I say before? This game's not bad? Well, no. It isn't bad. It's FUCKIN' HORRIBLE! And I dare you to play it. Just because it's hard doesn't mean it's bad, but this game just went way, WAY too far. The difficulty is legendary. This is the grand champion of hard motherfuckin' games. It doesn't fuck around. Why couldn't there be a health bar, like three hits? Would that be okay? No. One fuckin' hit, and you're dead. Well, then couldn't you have extra lives? Which you do, but they don't matter because when ya die, you start back from the beginning of the stage. There's some checkpoints along the way, yeah, but that doesn't change the fact that when you die, you go back. Compare that to Contra or Super C. You get hit once and you're dead, but, you get to continue where you left off. You don't have to start at the beginning of the stage unless you lost all your lives. If that happened, even your 30-life code wouldn't help much. Silver Surfer, on the other hand, just says "Fuck all that! If you're gonna play, you gotta be hardcore!"
388
389The Nerd: So now we're in Fire Lord, section 2. Whoa, watch the fire, OH, SHIT! (Silver Surfer gets killed by a pumpkin) Fuckin'... jack-o'lanterns? Alright, let's try again. Dodge the fire, stay up and watch the jack-o'lanterns, oh, better watch that thing, oh God, I gotta go down! OH, FUCK! Your mother.
390
391The Nerd: Fire's comin' down. Got that part under control. Watch the jack-o'lanterns. (Silver Surfer crashes into the ceiling) Fuck! Touched the damn ceiling. Fire's comin' down. Jack-o'lanterns, oh, oh, ugh! ASS! Alright, this time, tryin' to shoot those fuckin' jack-o'lanterns. Stay back, back, back, ugh! Oh! God! Alright, gettin' into place, watch the walls, (Silver Surfer gets killed by another pumpkin) ah, you FUCKIN' PUMPKIN PIECE OF SHIT! OK, this time, stay at the top. Don't get hit, don't get hit. Get under that thing, here we go, get-yes! Yes! Yes! (He accidentally presses left, which leads to Silver Surfer getting killed by yet another pumpkin) (Yells) NO!
392
393The Nerd: I can't take it anymore. (Drinks some Yuengling) You know... there's really no point of going on. It's not like there's a reward, like there's a pot of gold sittin' on top of the TV. You know if you beat the game, it probably just says "The End", and that's it. So to keep playing it, you gotta be a fuckin' nerd. (Continues to play game)
394
395The Nerd: Alright, gotta watch out for these... statues puking lava. (Silver Surfer gets killed by a pumpkin) God! ANOTHER motherfuckin' pumpkin. There's so many obstacles, it's unbeliev- (touches red pot and dies) I CAN'T TOUCH THAT RED POT?! (it appears that he got hit by lava right at the moment he touched the pot) Alright, that's where I give up.
396
397The Nerd: Let's try another stage. I figure I gotta be able to beat at least one of 'em. Now this is really a bitch. I mean, all these ghouls comin' at me. They got bats, jack-o'lanterns, and now ghosts? It's like another Kindergarten Halloween game. They should've just called it: whatever. (BOO! HAUNTED HOUSE!) This is just insane, I mean, look at all this! Oh my God! So much shit, so much shit! Here we go! Oh yeah! (Silver Surfer crashes into a wooden log) Oh, God! I... touched the log?
398
399The Nerd: You fuckin' ghosts! You fuckin' motherfuckin' pieces of shit! UGH! God, I hate those gargoyles! They just... shit all over the place! I hate it. I just fuckin' hate it. Look at this. This pattern is just insane; it's basically just a bunch of lines wavin' across the screen. And if you go anywhere near those paths, you're dead.
400
401The Nerd: Once again, let's try another stage: Possessor. Well, it's... not any easier, especially when I'm losin' my patience. And look at this. There's so much stuff comin' at ya. Bullets are flyin' everywhere. Ugh! Let's pause this. Just look, look. (Red waves appear on the screen) Any of these areas are dead zones. You have stuff comin' at you every which way, which means there's not one safe spot because you need to keep moving forward. So you're in danger's way all the time. You just have to play the shit out of it until you know in advance exactly what's gonna happen.
402
403The Nerd: Unless you've played this game, you have no idea how hard it is. Let me try to explain it, okay? Imagine if I were to draw a maze on a sheet of paper. I'm asking you to draw a line from the beginning of this maze to the end. You can't run into any dead ends, and you can't touch any of the lines. Now, while you're tryin' to do this, I'm moving the maze to the left. It would drive you fuckin' nuts. And if that's a bit too theoretical to accept, then let me explain it this way: imagine playing Mega Man 2.
404
405(Shows game footage from "Mega Man 2")
406
407The Nerd: Imagine you have no health bar. Imagine if you get hit one single fucking time, you're dead. And is that fair? It's challenging, yes. But, it's not to say that unless you're a hardcore expert, you're gonna take a few hits sooner or later. Now, I'm not done. Imagine on top of that, multiply the number of enemies on the screen, and give them more hit points. (Shows game footage from "The Legend of Zelda" on NES) Imagine if you were playin' Zelda and you weren't allowed to get hit once, or touch any of the walls or blocks.
408
409The Nerd: I mean this game just pukes snot up my ass. (Silver Surfer dies repeatedly) It's like you touch the top of the building, you die, you touch the ceiling, you die, you touch the floor, you die, too far to the right, you die, too far to the left, you die, you die, you die, you die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, DIE! (lies on the floor, holds his eyes in anger, and mimics the game over screen) (upset voice) Oh, God, I can't fuckin' stand it.
410
411The Nerd: (Sighs) One last stage, and I'm sure it's no exception to the difficulty. You're just tryin' to avoid this stuff that's comin' sideways, and then this gun appears at the top of the screen with no warning and shoots in three directions. Instant death. If you try to blast it away as soon as it appears, you just end up getting yourself killed too, because you need to be in the line of fire in order to shoot at it. Sometimes, you come to like a blockade of enemies, just a flood of bullets comin' down the whole screen. It's just one big dead zone. If you're in that area, YOU'RE SIMPLY DEAD! So fuck it! I can't complete a single stage!
412
413The Nerd: This game is so hard, it would actually be easier to go outside in a thunderstorm and try to dodge rain. It would be easier to walk barefoot, without your toes or heels touching the floor. It'd be easier to pick fly shit out of pepper... while wearing boxing gloves! The fact you can get hit only once, pretty much means that you're weaker than every other enemy in the game. HOW DO YOU DIE FROM JUST TOUCHING A WALL?!
414
415The Nerd: I can understand if he's flying at like 200 miles per hour and he crashes into the wall, but the fact that he just touches the wall and dies, is just ridiculous. I never read any of the comics, so I don't know what Silver Surfer's powers are, but isn't he supposed to be pretty strong? So why'd they make him into a wimp?! Why is he fuckin' up rubber ducks and weepin' like a crybaby? It's like some sort of fuckin' joke! Like what if they had Bruce Lee tripping over his own shoelaces? It's a fuckin' insult! This game should've been classic! But instead, it's worthless! It's as worthless as this fuckin' LJN poster I have back here! Man, I would just piss and shit all over this fuckin' game! In fact, JUST THINKING ABOUT IT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE HAVIN' AN ANAL EVACUATION! (Swigs some Yuengling) Fuck...! (Gets up, takes game out, and then throws it to the wall in rage.)
416
417(Credits roll, after which the GameTrailers logo appears)
418
419The Nerd: ASSSS!
420
421Trivia
422Sometime after the Nerd uses the NES Max, it is revealed that he is using the normal NES controller again.
423You can tell what scenery parts can kill you by shooting at them. Projectiles will be stopped by actual obstacles.
424Categories:
425Transcripts Transcripts of 2007 Angry Video Game Nerd episodes
426Community content is available under CC-BY-SA unless otherwise noted.
427
428Recent Wiki Activity
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511Transcripts, Transcripts of 2007 Angry Video Game Nerd episodes
512Transcript of AVGN episode Dragon's Lair
513EDIT
514 
515COMMENTS
516 
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518 MV5BOGY3ZWZmMjgtYjI3Zi00YWNhLWI2ZjQtOTVkZWIzNjZiZjJjXkEyXkFqcGdeQXVyMTQzMjU1NjE@. V1 
519Dragon's Lair - NES - Angry Video Game Nerd - Episode 37
520Dragon's Lair - NES - Angry Video Game Nerd - Episode 37
521
522The Nerd: Once again, let's go back to 1983. You walk into a video arcade. What do you see? Games that look like this, ("Mario Bros.") or this, ("Pac-Man") or this? ("Dragon's Lair") Yeah. Sure got everybody's attention, and it really stuck out amongst all the other games. This was Dragon's Lair, the adventures of Dirk the Daring, who has to rescue a princess from a dragon. It was more like an interactive movie than a video game.
523
524The Nerd: Basically, you just watch the cartoon play, and when a certain obstacle would appear, then you press the right button at the right time to see whether you die, or you continue playing. Now the first time playing, there was no way to know what was going to happen. So the only way players would learn, was to keep puttin' quarters in the machine. And once you spent like a truckload of quarters and you knew how to go through the whole game, then, you could pretty much beat it every time after that, and just show off to everybody.
525
526The Nerd: So, while there wasn't much to the gameplay, it was groundbreaking in the fact that it was one of the first games to use a laserdisc, making the use of motion video, and feature animation by Don Bluth, who, prior to Dragon's Lair was known for his work with Disney, on features such as Robin Hood, The Rescuers and Pete's Dragon. Many games of its kind would follow, some of which were adapted on the home CD consoles, such as Time Gal and Road Avenger, which I mentioned in my Sega CD review.
527
528The Nerd: Now, many adaptations of Dragon's Lair would appear on several home consoles, but the one that I'm gonna play is the NES version. Now, how could you put this (motion video) into this? (NES cartridge) Yeah, so obviously, an NES game is technically incapable of handling this sort of motion video thing. So, what do you know? It's a side-scroller. And after all, that's what games on the 8-bit Nintendo system were best at. So, how could you go wrong? Well, judging from all the requests I got to review this game, I'm gonna pop it in and find out.
529
530(Game starts)
531
532The Nerd: Alright, my first impression is that the graphics are quite good for the NES, and the character animation's well detailed. But the controls are delayed beyond belief. (Dirk crumbles into a skeleton when he hits the door) Did I just die by walking into the fucking door? Yeah. Everything kills you. Literally. EVERYTHING. Even if you stop to jump, you end up falling through the bridge.
533
534The Nerd: Okay, I'm gonna try to kill this bat. (Dirk turns into a skeleton) And there I go, dead. Here I go! (Dirk turns into a skeleton again) Dead again.
535
536The Nerd: If you hit Down, you go into a crawling mode. Of course, it's extremely delayed, making it awkward to switch between standing and crawling. Oh, I'm really fucked now. Jump, JUMP! Well, we already know you can't go through the door, so I'm gonna assume you gotta kill the dragon. But what the asshole? Why can't I duck? I just wanna duck down and throw my daggers at the dragon, but no! It doesn't let you duck. Have you ever played a game, where the basic controls differ depending on which side of the screen you're standing on?
537
538The Nerd: So, I'm gonna try to make my way to the left just so I can attack the dragon. (Dirk barely avoids a fireball from the dragon) Wow, that was close. Okay, c'mon, duck! (Dirk crumbles to bones) SHIT!
539
540The Nerd: Alright, here we go, duck down, kill the dragon. (Dirk crumbles to a skeleton) SON OF A ASS! I'm gettin' real fuckin' mad now - why does the gate stay open the whole time, but once you're within range it comes down? What a tease! How the hell does the fuckin' thing kill you anyway? I don't care if it's a door or a medieval gate, whatever the hell it is; it's certainly not an electrical fence or somethin', so why is it like, deadly to the touch? The rules of this game make no sense! What were they thinking?! (The door might actually be poisoned.)
541
542The Nerd: Another problem is that the dragon doesn't come up high enough to be able to hit with your dagger, unless you're squatting, but when you're squatting, the dragon stays below the bridge. It literally reacts to your every move. So, what do you do? Do you stand? Do you duck? Either way, you're fucked. The decisions to make in this game are similar to if, say you're standing in a pool full of piss, all the way up to your neck. Then somebody comes in with a bucket full of shit to dump on your head. Do you duck down under the piss, or do you just stay up and take on the shit?
543
544The Nerd: This game is like a cruel joke that you play on your friends. It's like: "Hey! You wanna play a game? Here you go! Ya fuckers!" And, you know, it really doesn't look that hard. But once you actually play it, it's unbelievable. You jump like you're on the goddamn moon, it takes ages to turn around, and the control is so stiff, you'll wonder if your fuckin' controller's broken. However, I've heard that the PAL version is much smoother. I might've saved myself a few hundred e-mails by mentioning that.
545
546The Nerd: Now, unlike most NES games where B attacks, and A jumps, this one's the opposite, which takes some time to get used to. And what's with this backwards-ass bullshit? But, you know what's really sad? This is the first screen in the game. I haven't even gotten past the first screen yet! I don't even wanna know what the rest of the game is like. Maybe you're just supposed to walk left. (Dirk tries to go to the left, but he is blocked) No. Actually, if that was the case, I think I'd have to break somethin'.
547
548The Nerd: Now, you know what else is bullshit? Everything kills you with only one hit. The dragon, the fireball, the moat, the DOOR, but, the bat just takes away a tiny bit of life from... (The bat knocks a point off Dirk's health bar) your life bar. Yeah, that's right. You have a life bar. I didn't even notice, but, what's the point? Because everything that hits you, it kills you instantly! I can guarantee that the only way you're gonna die from this bat is if you stand absolutely still and just wait. I've clocked it. It takes 1 minute and 13 seconds for this bat to drain your energy. That's 11 hits. Well, why 10, when it can take 11?
549
550The Nerd: So, in order to pass this part of the game, you gotta kill the dragon. And it seems, that there's only one possible spot where you can hit him. That's from the far left, where you start. But the dragon won't come out until you're halfway across the bridge, so, you gotta make your way to the dragon, then jump your way back, and then, you can just barely hit the dragon, even from this distance. You just wish you could duck and hit him, but, as we already know, that doesn't work because the fuckin' bastard won't stay up! So, you just have to be real patient and keep throwin' the daggers. When he spits the fireballs, you gotta duck well in advance and just keep repeating. Of course you die with only one hit, but the dragon takes forever!
551
552The Nerd: This game is notorious among gamers as being one of the most frustrating games in existence. At some time or another, it seems everyone takes a shot at it. And after this review, I'm sure many more people will suffer over it, which is unfortunate, but, to quote Full Metal Jacket: "It's just one big shit sandwich, and we all gotta take a bite."
553
554(The actual quote from "Full Metal Jacket" is: "It's a huge shit sandwich, and we're all gonna have to take a bite.")
555
556The Nerd: (manages to kill the dragon) So, finally, the dragon's dead, the door goes up, and now you've got one last obstacle. Just don't fall. Oh God, DON'T fall. Not after that.
557
558The Nerd: Alright, finally we get to see somethin' different. Now, your first obstacle here are these rocks that come flyin' at you. FUCK! Now, once you remember the pattern, you can get by, but then this snake comes up outta nowhere. DAMN!
559
560The Nerd: You know, this whole game is all about trial and error. The only way to get through it is to memorize everything that happens. And, once again, I'd like to stress, what's the point of having an energy bar when everything kills you with one hit? ONE, FUCKING, HIT!
561
562The Nerd: Now, this is the worst. Just gotta watch the pattern. Up, down, up, down, up- (Dirk crumbles to a skeleton) FUCK! Oh, God! ("Game Over" screen appears) Oh, Game Over? Oh no. No, please, no.
563
564(The Nerd is back at the beginning of the game. The Nerd stares at the screen in disbelief, then he drinks out of his flask.)
565
566The Nerd: Man. Man, fuck that shit. Man, DO YOU THINK I'M GONNA PUT MYSELF THROUGH THAT AGAIN?! GODDAMMIT, MAN!
567
568(Pretends to shoot fingers, leaving only middle finger, which he flashes)
569
570The Nerd: MAN, FUCK THIS GAME, MAN! MAN, JESUS CHRIST, I'D RATHER... FUCKIN' 69 A GRIZZLY BEAR WHILE SHOVIN' KING KONG UP MY ASS! I'D RATHER FUCKIN' STAND IN THE MIDDLE OF A RING OF MONKEYS AS THEY PELT ME TO DEATH WITH THEIR OWN ANAL WASTE! MAN, FUCK THIS GAME, FUCK IT TO HELL, FUCK IT TO OBLIVION, FUCK IT TO DAMNATION OF MANKIND!
571
572(He gets up angrily, then the door closes and the Nerd tries to walk through it, but dies like in the game, being reduced to a pile of bones.)
573
574Trivia
575The door might actually be poisoned, which is why you die when you touch it.
576The Nerd made a mistake in saying a line from Full Metal Jacket, when the real line is: "It's a huge shit sandwich, and we're all gonna have to take a bite."
577Categories:
578Transcripts Transcripts of 2007 Angry Video Game Nerd episodes
579Community content is available under CC-BY-SA unless otherwise noted.
580
581Recent Wiki Activity
582Transcript of AVGN Episode Batman (Part 2)
583IAmThe789Guy  • 11 minutes ago
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664Transcript of 2009 AVGN Episode Bugs Bunny's Crazy Castle
665EDIT
666 
667COMMENTS (7)
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670 MV5BYWRiM2VhMTktMTIxMy00ZTk0LWIzYjUtZDBiYmMyNGFmMTNmXkEyXkFqcGdeQXVyMTQzMjU1NjE@. V1 
671Bugs Bunny's Crazy Castle - Angry Video Game Nerd - Episode 75
672Bugs Bunny's Crazy Castle - Angry Video Game Nerd - Episode 75
673
674Bugs Bunny: (5 seconds into the intro) Nyeh.
675
676Guitar Guy: ♪ He's gonna take you back to the past ♪
677
678♪ To play some shitty games that suck ass ♪
679
680♪ He'd rather have a buffalo ♪
681
682♪ Take a diarrhea dump in his ear ♪
683
684♪ He'd rather eat the rotten asshole ♪
685
686♪ Of a roadkill skunk and down it with beer ♪
687
688♪ He's the angriest Gamer you've ever heard ♪
689
690♪ He's the Angry Nintendo Nerd ♪
691
692♪ ​He's the Angry Atari Sega Nerd ♪
693
694♪ He's the Angry Video Game Nerd ♪
695
696The Nerd and Bugs Bunny meet again
697The Nerd meets up with Bugs Bunny again almost two years after they first crossed paths.
698
699(The Looney Tunes Parody Rock and Roll version plays)
700
701Contents[show]
702Bugs Bunny's Crazy Castle (NES)
703("I've Been Working on The Railroad" plays while the Nerd gets ready, swigs some Yuengling, and looks for a game. He takes out Barbie on the NES but decides not to play it, puts it back, and swigs some more Yuengling. He walks over to the other side of the shelf and sees Bugs Bunny walk in)
704
705Bugs Bunny: Nyeeh. (chomps on the carrot) What's up, Doc? (holds a game and throws it at the Nerd)
706
707The Nerd: Wow, it's been a while since I've seen you. What game you hit me with? Bugs Bunny Crazy Castle? (sarcastically) I can't wait to play this. (the Nerd tries to punch Bugs, who blocks it and punches him back, knocking him to the ground.) What was that?! (the Nerd tries to fight Bugs, but he gets his ass handed to him. Bugs kicks the game box at him.)
708
709Bugs Bunny: Nya, play the game, Doc!
710
711The Nerd: I'm not playin' this shit! (he throws the game box back at Bugs)
712
713Bugs Bunny: Come on, Doc! (takes game cartridge out of box) Stick it in the Nintendo! (throws the game cartridge at the Nerd)
714
715The Nerd: How 'bout stick it up your rabbit hole!?
716
717(The Nerd charges at Bugs, who blocks his punch and kicks him to the floor.)
718
719Bugs Bunny: Nya, when you played Birthday Blowout, you knew you had some unfinished business, Mac. Nya, play the game for two minutes, and I'll let you hit me again. (The Nerd nods in agreement, and puts the game cartridge into the NES Top Loader and turns it on.)
720
721The Nerd: So this is "Bugs Bunny's Crazy Castle." All you have to do is collect carrots. Once you get all the carrots, you go to the next stage, and it's just the same shit over and over. "Crazy Castle"? It's not too crazy, is it? The "Birthday Blowout" game was actually more crazy because that was more like an action game, but this is more like a puzzle game. So why wasn't this one called "Birthday Blowout" and the other one "Crazy Castle"? One good thing I have to say: It has the shortest, sweetest password I've seen in a while.
722
723The Nerd: Anyway, there's a bunch of Sylvesters coming after you. You drop stuff on their heads, or hit them with boxing gloves. The only thing you can't do is jump. If you end up in a corner, you're done. Come on, he's a bunny, he can't jump? Oh, fuckin' Coyote cunt, got my ass against the wall. There's no way out of this. Look at him. He's just going to pace back and forth. Time to commit suicide.
724
725The Nerd: This time, I'm going to drop this anvil down on him. Oh, he went the other way! You fucking shit nugget. You got to time it just right. You see, I'm just going to kick this crate over here. There's some Sylvesters-- Oh, fuck! If I can just get the Invisible Ink. Is he just going to stand there? Great, I'm coming down-- (gets killed) Oh, balls!
726
727The Nerd: Alright, that's it. I'm done with this game. I'd rather press my face against a hippopotamus' butt while it muck-spreads! That's when a hippo takes a shit. Rather than allowing the shit to drop from its anus, it presses its tail against its ass crack, waving it back and forth, shredding the shit all over the place! That's as much fun as this game is: Like putting a turd in a fan or a band saw. You just don't do it.
728
729(The Nerd drops the controller and throws the game into the garbage. He then sucker-punches Bugs into the wall, then pins him there and beats him until Bugs blocks his punch. Bugs then proceeds to return the beating and throws the Nerd onto the couch.)
730
731Bugs Bunny's Crazy Castle 2 (Game Boy)
732Bugs Bunny: Sorry, Doc, you ain't done yet! Looks like you've got another game! (he hands him a Game Boy Advance SP with a Nintendo Game Boy game in it, which turns out to be The Bugs Bunny Crazy Castle 2.)
733
734The Nerd: Crazy Castle 2? There's a sequel? How could this be possible? I'm not playing this! (he gives the game back to Bugs)
735
736Bugs Bunny: But you wanna play it! (he hands it back to him)
737
738The Nerd: No, I don't wanna! (he pushes it back)
739
740Bugs Bunny: You do wanna! (he gives it back)
741
742The Nerd: I don't wanna! (he pushes it back)
743
744Bugs Bunny: You do wanna! (he gives it back)
745
746The Nerd: I don't wanna! (he pushes it back)
747
748Bugs Bunny: (pause) You don't wanna! (he takes it back)
749
750The Nerd: I do wanna! (he grabs it back)
751
752Bugs Bunny: You don't wanna! (he takes it back)
753
754The Nerd: I do wanna! (he grabs it back)
755
756Bugs Bunny: You don't wanna! (he takes it back)
757
758The Nerd: I do wanna, (he grabs it back) and you're not going to stop me! (the Nerd realizes he's been fooled)
759
760The Nerd: Crazy Castle 2, what can you say? It's the same shitty game, but on a Game Boy screen. So, in case you need your "Crazy Castle" action on the go, this is the game for you. The only big difference is that you're collecting keys instead of carrots. When you get all the carrots, you can unlock the final door, and proceed to the next level.
761
762The Nerd: There's more variety of traps and weapons. Watch this, I'm gonna kill Tweety. Yeah, that's what I like to see. You also get these blocks that make you jump, but could they be a little more creative here? How about a spring or a trampoline? Not just a block that says Up.
763
764The Nerd: The controls are a little stiff. I just wanna go up the steps! Oh, fuck! Now I'm dead! They tried to put new things into this game to make it better than the NES version, but it only sucks even more because it's on Game Boy. I mean, look at this. Would you want to play this? If you do, you probably like playing with dog turds. Alright, I'm done with this. I'd rather lick the shit skid off the inside of a toilet bowl.
765
766(The Nerd drinks Yuengling, takes the game out of the Game Boy Advance SP, goes to a trash bin, while looking at Bugs as he finishes his Yuengling, and throws the game away, then smashes his empty Yuengling bottle across Bugs' face.)
767
768Bugs: OW!
769
770(Bugs recovers, however, and shoots a Mario Ball through a slingshot, stunning the Nerd. Bugs dropkicks him in slow motion, knocking him to the ground. As the Nerd lays stunned, Bugs picks him up and slams him down on the futon, causing it to collapse.)
771
772Guitar Guy: (crawling out from under the broken futon) God! You Nintendo dork, you broke my fuckin' couch!
773
774The Nerd: It was the fuckin' bunny. Did you go to fuckin' Bugs Bunny Boot Camp? 
775
776(Bugs grabs the Nerd by the throat and pins him to the wall.)
777
778Bugs Bunny: Nya!
779
780The Nerd: Come on, I thought toons like to get beat up.
781
782Bugs Bunny: We do, Doc, but you know what we don't like? Getting shit on the FUCKIN' FACE!
783
784The Nerd: That was 2 years ago!
785
786Bugs Bunny: Well, now, it's your turn, Doc! (Bugs throws the Nerd to the ground and kicks him repeatedly before squatting down.) Nyyaa. (Bugs shits pellet turds onto the Nerd's face. The Guitar Guy sees this, and closes his eyes in disgust.) Geronimo! Nyyaaaaaa! Motherfuckin' Nerd! (The Nerd recovers from the bunny shit being on his face) Nyyaa, ain't I a stinker?
787
788The Nerd: Go away, just leave me alone.
789
790Bugs Bunny's Crazy Castle 3 (Game Boy Color)
791Bugs Bunny: Not yet, Doc. You still got another game. (he throws the Game Boy Advance SP at him)
792
793The Nerd: What?! (Bugs shoots a Nintendo Game Boy Color game at him with the slingshot. The game turns out to be "The Bugs Bunny Crazy Castle 3.") "Crazy Castle 3"?! "Crazy Castle 3"?! That's impossible! (reluctantly puts in "The Bugs Bunny Crazy Castle 3," and opens the Game Boy Advance SP) Now I think I understand the relevance of the title. It's crazy that there's so many sequels! I can see why there would be one on NES and one on Game Boy, but why another? It's the same fucking thing, you go around collecting keys to open the door to get to the next stage.
794
795The Nerd: Now let me ask something: When would there ever exist a door that takes 8 keys to open? And it's monotonous how the keys themselves are in doors. The only thing that distinguishes the final door from the rest is that tiny lock which you'd need a magnifying glass to see. What's the point of having these doors, anyway? When you go in the room you find a key every time, so wouldn't it be a little more efficient not to have the doors, just have the keys out in the open? What were they thinking? The only fun part's blowing the living fuck out of Tweety.
796
797The Nerd: However, it becomes even more redundant after you've annihilated everybody, there's nothing left to kill you, so you're just walking around getting all the keys. Pretty exciting, isn't it? Almost as exciting as watching a dog scarfing out its anus.
798
799(The Nerd takes the game out of the Game Boy and flings it onto the ground. He gets up and attacks Bugs, slamming his head into a wall. Bugs recovers and beats the Nerd down, kicking him into his shelf full of NES games, causing several of them to fall on top of him. The Guitar Guy peers around the corner as the Nerd rubs his head.)
800
801Guitar Guy: Come on, get him! He's the one who broke the couch!
802
803The Nerd: Well, technically, it was a futon.
804
805Guitar Guy: I don't care what it is! Get him! Boil his bunny balls!
806
807(the Nerd gets up again to fight Bugs again but Bugs gives him a "present.")
808
809Bugs Bunny: Nyaah, here you go, doc.
810
811(The Nerd opens the present and reaches in, only to find a stick of dynamite. The wah-wah-wah-wah music plays again and a jackass covers the Nerd's face before the dynamite goes off, covering him in soot and ash.)
812
813The Nerd: DOGGONE, YOU MEAN OLD SCREWY WASCALLY WABBIT-- What's this?
814
815Bugs Bunny's Crazy Castle 4 (Game Boy Color)
816(Bugs hands the Nerd another Game Boy Color game, which turns out to be "Bugs Bunny in Crazy Castle 4." The Nerd holds up a sign that reads, "Yikes!" similar to Bugs on the cartridge art.)
817
818The Nerd: "Crazy Castle 4"?! How many of these fuckin' games could there possibly be?!
819
820Bugs Bunny: You better play it, Doc, before I ram my rabbit fist right up your motherfuckin' ass!
821
822​(The Nerd looks at Bugs angrily before reluctantly putting "Bugs Bunny in Crazy Castle 4" in the Game Boy Advance SP.)
823
824The Nerd: Alright, well, if you just can't get enough "Crazy Castle" action, here comes number 4. It starts out with Bugs Bunny looking at a map. On it, he sees a castle, but all it says is "C Castle". So Bugs thinks about it, and decides that "C" must stand for "Carrot." And that means he thinks the castle's full of carrots, and from how much he loves carrots, he rushes over there. And, of course, the game has to explain it for us that "C" really stands for "Crazy" and not "Carrot," like we're fucking idiots. This is only the fourth fucking game, right?
825
826The Nerd: You're going around, opening doors that lead to rooms that have keys. You get all the damn keys, and go to the final door, but what am I supposed to say? It's so hard to even imagine that this game exists, and I'm trying to review it. It's like trying to review a pink porcupine with a monkey's head up its butt eating a buffalo's ballsack. Should I describe what it looks like and analyze it, or should I just be so fucking shocked the thing even exists?
827
828(the Nerd closes the Game Boy Advance SP in annoyance)
829
830Bugs Bunny: Nyaaa, you ain't done yet, Doc. You still gotta get the carrot. (Chomps on his carrot)
831
832The Nerd: Oh, you like fucking carrots, don't ya? Huh? Well, why don't you play it, then? You're a bunny, you play! You play this filth! (The Nerd tackles Bugs Bunny and tries to shove the carrot in his mouth) You like fuckin' carrots, don't you? Eat the fuckin' carrot! Come on! (He punches Bugs in the face) Come on, eat this fuckin' carrot, you fuckin' piece of shit! Eat that fuckin' carrot! Rabbits and your fuckin' carrots! Why don't you shove that fuckin' carrot up your fuckin' ass?!
833
834(Bugs kicks the Nerd off and gets to his feet.)
835
836Bugs Bunny: (a rope appears next to him) What's up, Doc? (He pulls the rope as the Nerd looks at Bugs, confused. An anvil falls on his head, dazing him. He slaps the Tweeties flapping around him away in annoyance and goes over to Guitar Guy behind the shelf.)
837
838The Nerd: Give me your guitar.
839
840Guitar Guy: I will not give it to you.
841
842The Nerd: Give me that guitar, I need it!
843
844Guitar Guy: No! It's mine! Get your own guitar!
845
846The Nerd: Give me the guitar, I need it!
847
848(The Nerd takes the guitar from Guitar Guy. Then they both team up on Bugs Bunny but get their asses handed to them. The Nerd starts attacking Bugs with the guitar, but Bugs dodges every time until The Nerd fakes a shot. When Bugs comes back up, the Nerd whacks him in the face with it, knocking him against the wall. He hits him again, causing him to fall, and then proceeds to beat Bugs with the guitar until the body snaps off from the neck.)
849
850Guitar Guy: Great! I guess I just gotta get another couch, and another guitar!
851
852(The Guitar Guy leaves, and the video starts to end, playing the Looney Tunes parody music, but then Bugs gets up, stops the ending, playing a record needle scratching sound, and punches the Nerd.)
853
854Bugs Bunny: Nyaaa, of course you realize this means WAR, bitch!
855
856(Bugs starts to beat up the Nerd)
857
858Bugs Bunny: Motherfucking Nerd!
859
860(Bugs continues beating the Nerd until he bleeds, causing him to collapse to the floor.)
861
862Bugs Bunny: I pulled this game out of my ass, Doc!
863
864(Bugs pulls a Game Boy Advance game out of his ass)
865
866Woody Woodpecker in Crazy Castle 5 (Game Boy Advance)
867The Nerd: I've wondered where this shit comes from. (Bugs throws the Game Boy Advance game at the Nerd, and he sees what it is.) "Woody Woodpecker in Crazy Castle 5"? This can't be real. (he opens the box and takes out the game) OK, first of all, how is it "Crazy Castle 5" if it's not Bugs Bunny? (Puts "Woody Woodpecker in Crazy Castle 5" in the Game Boy Advance SP)
868
869The Nerd: (sighs) It begins with this stupid intro where fairies come and tell Woody he's got to save Crazy Castle from the monsters. The graphics are more advanced, and you have the ability to break things with your beak.
870
871The Nerd: One thing that's really annoying is that when you open a chest to get an item, you don't automatically get the item, so I end up leaving the room, thinking I got the key when I really didn't.
872
873The Nerd: In a good game, like Zelda, you open the chest and that's it. But here you have to stop, wait for the item to dangle in the air, and then grab it. It's like trying to grab dried shit dangling from a chihuahua's ass hair. Other than that, there's not a damn thing to say.
874
875The Nerd: I wonder why it's Woody Woodpecker? You know, now that I think about it, both Woody and Bugs were created by the same guy; Ben Bugs Hardaway. That's very interesting. Oh, and wait. The very first cartoon to feature a precursor of Bugs Bunny was Porky's Hare Hunt. It had Mel Blanc doing the bunny's voice. He was the same guy who was the first voice for Woody Woodpecker. So Woody and Bugs? Could it be? They're the same?
876
877Bugs Bunny: Nyeeh, what's up, Doc? (Bugs throws a pie in the Nerd's face. Then, the Nerd takes the pie off in anger and stunned shock, and then Bugs Bunny kicks him) That feels good, Doc! Yeah, just like good old times, Doc! Like when I shoved Elmer Fudd's head up the Tazmanian Devil's fucking asshole! Nyaaaa, how's it feel to be a dying man, Nerd?! You're a dead man! YOU'RE A DEAD MAN!
878
879The Nerd: (Commando-style) Bull...SHIT! (The Angry Video Game Nerd Theme Rock Remix starts playing as the Nerd comes back and kicks Bugs' ass. He thrashes, punches, pounds and kicks the shit out of him and then gets him in a headlock, ripping his head clean off. As the Nerd flings Bugs' head against the wall, Bugs' headless corpse gets up, with Bugs' head now replaced by Woody Woodpecker's, much to the Nerd's shock.)
880
881Woody Woodpecker: Guess who! (Laughing)
882
883The Nerd: I knew it.
884
885(The Nerd tries to fight Woody, but Woody counterattacks and pins the Nerd to the ground.)
886
887Woody Woodpecker: (Laughing) You're gonna die, Nerd! (he takes out a bomb) (Continues laughing)
888
889(Woody places the bomb near the Nerd, who grabs him around the neck and pulls him down to the floor next to him.)
890
891The Nerd: Well I don't give a fuck! I'm taking you with me! Oh, you like to play with bombs, huh? Well, bombs away, you Woody Bunny fucking pecker piece of shit!
892
893(The bomb explodes, killing both of them. They both end up in Hell with the Devil. Woody Woodpecker holds a knife mimicking stabbing someone.)
894
895Woody Woodpecker: (Laughing and exclaiming) How do you like that? (Exclaims) How do you like that, Nerd? (Continues laughing)
896
897(The Nerd holds up a sign reading, "Fuck!", while the rock version of Looney Tunes plays ending with the "That's all, Fucks!" sign. The credits start and the camera goes back to the Nerd and Bugs Bunny on the floor/futon, thinking it was a dream.)
898
899Bugs Bunny: Nyaaaaaa, what's up, Doc?
900
901Errors
902The Nerd apparently did not realize that the game box, cartridge, and even the title screen, actually say "The Bugs Bunny Crazy Castle." He made a mistake by calling it "Bugs Bunny's Crazy Castle."
903Categories:
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991Transcripts, Transcripts of 2007 Angry Video Game Nerd episodes
992Transcript of AVGN episode Bugs Bunny Birthday Blowout
993EDIT
994 
995COMMENTS (9)
996 
997SHARE
998 Title intro
999Title card for episode, which spoofs the Looney Tunes opening titles.
1000
1001Bugs Bunny Birthday Blowout - NES - Angry Video Game Nerd - Episode 31
1002Bugs Bunny Birthday Blowout - NES - Angry Video Game Nerd - Episode 31
1003
1004(After a Looney Tunes opening spoof with a MIDI version of the iconic Merrie Melodies theme, we see the Nerd finding his shirt, then putting the pens in the pouch, putting his glasses on, going to the fridge and taking out a bottle of Yuengling, taking a swig of it, then looking through his NES collection and pulling out The Bugs Bunny Birthday Blowout.)
1005
1006The Nerd: (sarcastically) Wow, how awesome could this be? Bugs Bunny's Birthday Blowout. Well, it was a blowout, alright. BLOW OUT YOUR ASS!
1007
1008The Nerd: Basically, you're Bugs Bunny goin' around with a hammer in a Mario-like setting. Really nothing special. In fact, it's one of the most sickening sidescrollers I've ever seen, because when you walk, the screen sort of does like this strobe effect. I'm not kidding, it makes me sick! Even worse is when there's an earthquake! Oh, come on! That's cruel!
1009
1010The Nerd: The plot is that it's Bugs Bunny's 50th birthday and he's on his way to his own party, but out of envy, everybody wants to stop him from getting there. So you're just whacking anybody in your path, and you know what's really annoying? Every time you get hit, you see stars. And when that happens, you can't use your hammer for a few seconds. All you do is just go from start to finish. There's usually a boss at the end of the stage, like, here's Daffy. You think you're supposed to fight him, but, no, that doesn't work. You're just supposed to get the carrot.
1011
1012The Nerd: Yeah, this game's really a no-brainer. (takes a swig of Yuengling, then Bugs Bunny shows up at the door and he promptly spits out his Yuengling) OH MY GOD! IT'S BUGS BUNNY!
1013
1014Bugs Bunny: Nyah... (chomping on carrot) What’s up, Doc?
1015
1016The Nerd: (looking shocked) I can't believe it! In my own house! Bugs Bunny! BUGS FUCKIN' BUNNY! (punches Bugs in the stomach and face, knocking him out)
1017
1018The Nerd: After each stage, you get a bonus game, depending on how many carrots you collected. By winning, you can earn some 1-ups. Now, this number thing, I really don't know how to play it, and I don't give a shit, so I just tap the buttons until it's over.
1019
1020Bugs: Nyyyyyyaaaaaaaahhhhh, what's up, DOC?! (the Nerd breaks the empty bottle of Yuengling over Bugs' head, knocking him out)
1021
1022The Nerd: Now here's Tweety. Hate this little bastard. You just gotta clobber him. So you can already guess that all the bosses are Looney Tunes characters, like Wile E. Coyote, Sylvester, Foghorn Leghorn, Elmer Fuckin' Fudd and Pepé Le Shit. But the main enemies are just really weird. There's these walking boxes with the letter S, little hammer head guys, Oscar the Grouch, and these things, I don't know, I guess they're floating... dead cats. These clocks are the worst. They're all over the place! You can't hit 'em without getting yourself hit, and when you kill 'em, they explode for like, three hours and you just gotta stand back. And after they explode, another one immediately drops in its place! So I just gotta run through everything. I mean, I just don't even care.
1023
1024Bugs: Nyyyyyaaaaahhhhhh, what's up, DOC?! (the Nerd backhands him, knocking him out)
1025
1026The Nerd: What's one thing I should have done a thousand times by now? Die. But I'm not dying. You know why? Because this game's too fuckin' easy. I'm just walking through the levels, getting hit by everything in sight, not caring whether I lose all my lives or beat the game. Whichever comes first, I welcome it. All I know is, this game is going on, and on, and on. There's Sam, beating the shitballs out of me, just hitting me every second that there is, but, there I go, I still beat him. Come on, I really don't care about the damn bonus games!
1027
1028The Nerd: This game is GARBAGE!
1029
1030Bugs: Nyyyyaaah- (gets cut off while the Nerd takes Bugs' head and slams it into the table repeatedly)
1031
1032The Nerd: I'D RATHER PUT MY BALLS IN A CROCODILE'S MOUTH WHILE SHOVING MY HEAD UP A UNICORN'S ASSHOLE!
1033
1034The Nerd: Well, here's Tweety again. Get out here! Come on, come on! You little Tweety fuck! Alright, here's Elmer Fuckin' Fudd. Come on! Ugh, you son of a bitch! Now what's he doing to me? Ugh, get off! A lot of times, you're supposed to break blocks to get to where you're supposed to go, which is tedious as all hell- (falls and dies) WHAT A SHITTY-ASS LOAD OF GODDAMN BULLFUCK!
1035
1036Bugs: Nyah, ain't I a fuckin' stinker, motherfucker?!
1037
1038The Nerd: AIN'T YOU A GODDAMN FUCKIN' PIECE OF SHIT?! (throws Bugs to the hallway floor, then kicks and steps on his head with vigor and force over and over again)
1039
1040The Nerd: Oh, I hate this shit right here. These platforms keep disappearing when you jump on 'em. Fuck! Alright, let's try this again. Keep jumpin', keep jumpin'! Oh, oh, here we go! Oh, okay. Here-here we go! Yes! Okay, next rope. Oh no, wait! Ugh! Son of a cock!
1041
1042Bugs: (peeking through the doorway) Nyyyyaaahhhh! What's up, butt-cock?! (the Nerd takes a Mario ball and throws it at Bugs's face)
1043
1044The Nerd: Sometimes, when you have to go down, you're never sure of whether or not you're gonna fall and die. Ugh! Mother of a fuck! (Bugs sees stars) I hate those stars. I really, really, fuckin' hate 'em. You can't hit anybody without getting hit. And everything you try to step on, it breaks away! It's just total ass!
1045
1046Bugs: Nyah, what's all the hubbub... Bub? (the Nerd gets enraged and tackles Bugs to the floor)
1047
1048The Nerd: You know, this game is just way too generous with the extra lives. (playing while wresting with Bugs) IT'S LIKE DELIBERATELY KEEPING ME IN THE GAME, SO I CAN'T STOP!
1049
1050Bugs Bunny: Nyah! What's up, butt-cock-vagina-butt-fuck?!
1051
1052The Nerd: Just SHUT UP!
1053
1054The Nerd: For what it's worth, the game's at least playable. But there's no appeal whatsoever. Making a birthday-themed game is one of the worst concepts imaginable. Even with a big name like Bugs Bunny. (sitting on Bugs Bunny) He's one of the greatest cartoon characters of all time, but his leap to the Nintendo Entertainment System was just a total fucking shitbomb.
1055
1056(comes up to Taz, the Tasmanian Devil)
1057
1058​The Nerd: Well, here we are at the last guy. It's Taz. All you gotta do is knock those footballs back at him, and he's done.
1059
1060The Nerd: I beat it! NOW GET OUTTA HERE! (kicks Bugs away) "Bugs Bunny finally arrives at his party. He is greeted with thunderous cheers and applause from his loving friends. To Bugs' surprise, he finds all of his Looney Tunes pals there, who had just moments ago been playing some very funny tricks."
1061
1062The Nerd: (to Bugs, angrily) I'LL SHOW YOU SOME FUNNY TRICKS! (charges him against the wall)
1063
1064Bugs: (while being repeatedly punched in the face) Nyyyyyyyyyaaaaaaaaaah, what's up, COCK?!
1065
1066The Nerd: I'll show you what's up, you fuckin' bunny piece of shit! (knees him two times in the face before going back to punching) BUGS BUNNY'S BIRTHDAY BLOWOUT! HOW 'BOUT BUGS BUNNY'S BIRTHDAY BEATING?! (Bugs gets thrashed and pummeled and flipped over) You want a shoryuken? (uppercuts him)
1067
1068(Bugs gets beat up and tossed around some more, then gets kicked through a wall of boxes, with the Nerd roaring in slow motion. Then he helps Bugs up on his feet and throws him across the hall. Bugs crawls away into the kitchen while the Nerd pursues him. Bugs gets tired and collapses on his back)
1069
1070The Nerd: You want some shit? (pulls pants down) BOMBS AWAY, BUGS BITCH! (diarrhea begins to shit out as it falls through a fake ass)
1071
1072Bugs: Nyyyyaaah, (diarrhea pours onto his face) oh shit! OH SHIT! Nyah!
1073
1074The Nerd: Ugh, man! (takes off fake ass) Don't worry, folks. It's not real. (Merrie Melodies spoof theme starts playing and Bugs is shown in distress) (while giving middle finger) Fuck you, Bugs Bunny! (gives middle finger through fake asshole) FUCK YOU, BUGS BUNNY! (tosses fake ass) There you go. Got your ass handed to ya. (iris out, then cut to a drum, which the Nerd pops out of in a similar fashion to Porky Pig) Uh-duh, uh-duh, uh-duh, that's all, fucks! (flashes middle finger)
1075
1076Trivia
1077It is often considered to be the funniest episode of Angry Video Game Nerd, the Nerd beating up and defecating on Bugs Bunny being the main reason.
1078Categories:
1079Transcripts Transcripts of 2007 Angry Video Game Nerd episodes
1080Community content is available under CC-BY-SA unless otherwise noted.
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1170 MV5BYjJjNDRmMDgtNDMxZS00ZjMwLWE2ZjMtYzg4NWUyMTBlYmIyXkEyXkFqcGdeQXVyMTQzMjU1NjE@. V1 
1171Avgn matei as jason
1172Mike Matei as Jason Voorhees
1173
1174Friday the 13th - NES - Angry Video Game Nerd - Episode 12
1175Friday the 13th - NES - Angry Video Game Nerd - Episode 12
1176
1177The Nerd: Well... Friday the 13th on Nintendo. What can ya say? The knife goin' into the eye in the beginning right away should be an indication of how... cool it is. This game is infamous for being... great, right? I mean, everybody loves this game, because it's awesome. I mean, the concept is just brilliant. Adapting a series of R-rated slasher movies for all the kiddies to play? Great idea.
1178
1179The Nerd: There's six camp counselors you can play as, whether they're characters from the movie or not, I don't care, because... it's a good game. Goin' around throwin' rocks at zombies, collecting lighters, runnin' around tryin' to find fireplaces to light... what more could ya ask for? Oh, and every great game has a map screen. And being that the game is mostly side-scrolling, you can't tell which direction you're supposed to be goin'. But... but that's cool. That's cool. It makes it more challenging. I like that. Like when you're walkin' left, but you're really heading to the right on the map? I love figurin' that shit out. I love it. Just great.
1180
1181(Checks around room for about 10 seconds, then he shows a sort-of-pissed-off face)
1182
1183The Nerd: LIKE PUKE UP A DONKEY'S ASS! WHAT A SHITLOAD OF MOTHERFUCKIN' BULLFUCK! I mean, I'd rather eat snot and diarrhea vomited out of a buffalo's dick, and if you thought I was serious about this game--
1184
1185(Jason Voorhees comes out with the Nerd in a choke hold, ready to slice his head off with a machete.)
1186
1187The Nerd: (terrified) Agh! Ju-- You're absolutely right, because I was just kidding. I was just kidding, I swear! I swear to God, I was just kidding, I was just kidding! It's not a shitload of fuck. It's NOT a shitload of fuck. (Jason eases off and starts to slowly walk away; the Nerd looks amazed, and sighs)
1188
1189The Nerd: (sarcastically) Love this game. Love the way the stones keep missin' the zombies, because they go in this nice arc that flies over 'em. Fantastic. Gotta get the knife, it's mandatory.
1190
1191(8-bit alarm sound goes off)
1192
1193The Nerd: Hear that sound? That's the Jason Alarm. When you hear that, you have to switch to the map screen, and see which cabin's blinking. See right there? (highlights spot) That's where I am. And over there, that blinking cabin way over there? (highlights cabin) That's where I'm supposed to go to fight Jason. And I have a time limit, so I need to get all the way over there, as fast as I can, or else Jason kills one of the camp counselors.
1194
1195The Nerd: So, which way do I walk? I guess left, because it's left on the map screen. Sounds self-explanatory. So, here I am, just... followin' the Yellow Brick Road. (The "Follow the Yellow Brick Road" song from "The Wizard of Oz" plays) 'Cause that's what it looks like, right? The Scarecrow scene? But that's okay, because... this game kicks ass.
1196
1197The Nerd: (opens map screen, and he realizes that he's been going the wrong way) Oh, fffuck! Look at the map. I've just been walkin' in the wrong fuckin' direction. What a wonderful game! The bare basics of left and right do not apply. And that's why this game is so great, because it's free from all logic. Logic is for pussies! So, I finally get to the cabin, I walk in, and the mannequin counselor says "THANK YOU!!" Thanks for... walkin' into the cabin? I didn't fight Jason yet, but you're welcome. He's around somewhere. (walks around in cabin) Oh, yeah, he's comin'. Uh-oh, he's comin'!
1198
1199(In-game Jason pops out of nowhere, frightening the Nerd)
1200
1201The Nerd: WHOA! Well, he scared the SHIT outta me, and now he's fighting me like in Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!! (defeats Jason)
1202
1203Jason: YOU WIN... FOR NOW.
1204
1205The Nerd: So I beat him, but he'll be back.. many times. Just like in the movies. Even after they called Part IV The Final Chapter, and then they went on to make it all the way up to number ten, known as Jason X, where he's in outer space. (shows scenes from respective movies) But that's another story.
1206
1207The Nerd: So for now, I go back to walkin' around and lookin' for cabins with fireplaces. I mean, wasn't this a great idea? Isn't this fun? Like, go in 3D for the cabin parts? I love how smooth the camera angles are. The overall design, the AstroTurf floors, just ingenious. The control's so fluent, you just might have to tap the D-Pad twice to get it to move. Isn't this fun? I just love tryin' to find the door, because, there's nothin' in here, and now, I just wanna get the fuck out. Just wanna get the fuck out. (whispers) Get the fuck out. (Looks around room again, whispers again) Because it sucks. (The Nerd turns the game off, looks around trying to find Jason, who is found) Shit. (Tries to get out) Goddamn it. Goddamn it! Open, you piece of shit! Son of a fuck!
1208
1209The Nerd: Oh, shit. (Jason has him pinned) Don't kill me! (Jason shows the Nerd the game cartridge, apparently wanting him to play again, as if saying: "I won't kill you if you play this game." The Nerd looks at the cartridge) Kill me.
1210
1211(Now, while the Nerd is playing, Jason is watching over him. The Nerd looks at Jason, who points at the TV with his machete.)
1212
1213The Nerd: So I'm walkin' around, lookin' for fireplaces, answering to the Jason Alarm every once in a while. And along the way, I continue to collect lighters, keys, weird bottles, and because that rock is as useless as a wad of paper, upgrading to the knife is essential. I go into a cabin, and right away there's another mannequin camp counselor. (zooms in onto counselor) I love how they have no face. It's real creative.
1214
1215The Nerd: I love all those options on the right. (camera pans to options) Most of which could be condensed into just the simple use of the A button. But, this game just over-complicates things because it's so good. So let's try "CHANGE".
1216
1217(player character changes)
1218
1219The Nerd: Alright, we switch camp counselors. So now my character's slower, I don't have any of my items anymore, (cut to close-up on the Nerd's face), and I'm back to usin' the FUCKIN' ROCK AGAIN. That really accomplished a lot! The day-to-night transitions are nice and smooth. I mean, seriously, it's a big improvement over Simon's Quest, where a fuckin' box appears and it interrupts the gameplay. (shows gameplay from "Simon's Quest" of the "WHAT A HORRIBLE NIGHT TO HAVE A CURSE" dialogue box appearing)
1220
1221The Nerd: No need for it, but, Friday the 13th doesn't have that problem, proving that day-to-night transitions can work when done right. Jason comes out once in a while to scare the shit outta ya. (zooms in on Jason's sprite) And he looks really good in purple, doesn't he? That's a good color for him. Knowing that Jason couldn't have been the only enemy in the game, it's interesting to see the use of zombies, birds, and... even wolves to add to the mix. Even Jason's mom makes an appearance. And y'know what she reminds me of? Those annoying fuckin' Medusas from Simon's Quest! Or wait... I'm talkin' about Castlevania III. What, I hate that game, too? Well anyway, let's get back to Friday the 13th. (character gets killed) So, I'm dead. So once all six of your camp counselors are gone, the game's over.
1222
1223(Screen reads "YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS ARE DEAD. GAME OVER.")
1224
1225The Nerd: That's ingenious. That's... the best Game Over screen I ever saw. For real, I'm actually being dead serious! DEAD FUCKIN' SERIOUS. That's brilliant, right? (looks at Jason) "You and your friends are dead. Game Over." It's priceless. Like, I can't believe it! Isn't that a mean thing to say to kids? Nobody ever dies in Nintendo. They're either "defeated" or they... turn into an item and like, float away. But here comes a game, like Friday the 13th, that just cuts the bullshit, shows some balls, comes flat out and says: "You're fuckin' dead... and your friends, too." Beautiful. And what if there was a sequel? It would have to say somethin' even worse. Like, I got it. I got a good idea of what it should say. It should say: "You're dead. Your friends are dead. Your family's dead. Your fuckin' pets are bein' skinned alive. Your mom's a fuckin' whore. You suck at life. The whole world hates you. You're goin' to Hell. Live with it. Game Over."
1226
1227The Nerd: So... that's it. (the Nerd turns the game off, and then Jason chokes him, turns on the TV again, and tosses the controller at him. Using his machete, he points to the "PUSH START BUTTON" message. The camera pans to the Nerd, shaking his head) I don't know what else to say. The music? Just listen. (the overworld music plays, cuts to his face, with a pissed-off open-mouthed expression) It's fuckin' great. And even better, it loops over and over, so you get to hear the same thing constantly. Just wonderful. I love those scary faceless kids in the cabin. Makes me have nightmares. As if the map screen isn't confusing enough, when you go into the cave or the woods, you have no idea where you are. When you stand on a path, you press Up, and then the screen changes. You have no idea where you are, because the graphics are so repetitive.
1228
1229(At this point, Jason is beginning to get mad)
1230
1231The Nerd: Every goddamn screen looks the same. I can't tell where I am, or where I'm goin' with this shit! And the cabins? Just fuckin' horrible! (Jason is getting furious) I can't find the fuckin' fireplaces, I get lost once I'm inside, I can't even just simply turn around and see the door. The control's so fuckin' awkward! I'd rather play Doom on Atari. I'd rather play Halo on a Tiger Electronic wrist game. I'd rather drown in diarrhea! I'd rather fuckin' eat my fuckin' balls off and puke 'em up my fuckin' ass! I'd rather piss a cactus out of my dick!
1232
1233(Jason is raising his machete to kill the Nerd.)
1234
1235The Nerd: The music is fuckin' worse than life itself, and I'd turn the volume down, except for the fact that I have to hear the Jason Alarm! It's all just a test of patience, and it can KISS MY FUCKIN' ASSHOLE! (Throws the controller at Jason, hitting him, making him fall down in slow motion, dropping his machete, then begins to attack him) DIE! DIE! PIECE OF SHIT! UGH! HUUUURGH!
1236
1237The Nerd: (Takes out grey and silver NES Zapper from 1985 out of his pocket) You're easier to beat in real life than you are in that FUCKIN' GAME, YOU NO-GOOD, PIECE OF-! (BANG! The Nerd shoots Jason in the head, blowing his head off, leaving a puddle of blood. Cuts to the Nerd in another room)
1238
1239The Nerd: This game... is FUCKIN' HORRIBLE! (Throws the game against a wall, then drinks a lot of Rolling Rock. Later, the Nerd is asleep on the couch, with a bottle of tequila and a few empty bottles of beer. Freddy Krueger's clawed glove, accompanied by the "A Nightmare on Elm Street" theme music, comes up from behind the couch just as the Nerd wakes up and notices it. A caption reads, "TO BE CONTINUED...", then the credits roll.)
1240
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1335 MV5BMjU2N2I2OTItZDMwOS00Yjg1LWE2MDItNTU5OGMyMTMzYWI0XkEyXkFqcGdeQXVyMTQzMjU1NjE@. V1 
1336A Nightmare On Elm Street - NES - Angry Video Game Nerd - Episode 13
1337A Nightmare On Elm Street - NES - Angry Video Game Nerd - Episode 13
1338
1339(The Nerd continues to sleep, with him being tied up with video game controllers as he gasps.)
1340
1341The Nerd: God! What the hell?!
1342
1343Freddy Krueger: (cackles)
1344
1345The Nerd: No... NO!
1346
1347Freddy Krueger: Ya like Nintendo?
1348
1349The Nerd: (nodding his head nervously) Uh-huh.
1350
1351Freddy Krueger: Ya like to play shitty games?
1352
1353The Nerd: No...
1354
1355Freddy Krueger: (cackles) Ya fuckin' Nerd! Ya wanna play some Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde?
1356
1357The Nerd: NO! NO! NO!
1358
1359Freddy Krueger: Or do ya wanna play MY game, bitch? (Freddy cackles as he puts the game into the NES using his clawed glove.)
1360
1361The Nerd: (In the real world, tired) This game's horrible! (In dream world, in normal voice) This game is my fuckin' nightmare. It's a frustrating, incoherent pile of vomit and shit. Even the first screen is kinda weird because it shows Freddy without his glove, but his knives are still comin' out of the fingers. Now, I think I might actually have an explanation for this. In the movie, Nightmare: Part 2... nah, they just fucked up.
1362
1363The Nerd: So you play as some dude who has some serious balls because he punches snakes. Right in the fuckin' face. And you don't have to, anyway. You can just jump over them all. So this guy has the worst luck ever, because rocks randomly fall out of the sky, and flocks of vampire bats come after him.
1364
1365The Nerd: Even though it may appear to be a typical sidescroller, it isn't at all. There's nothing self-explanatory or even fun about this diarrhea mess. I can't figure out where I'm supposed to go. Some of the doors are closed and some of them are open, but it hardly seems to matter. Because, usually there's only one on the entire street that you can go inside. Whether it's open or shut, it seems completely fuckin' random.
1366
1367Freddy Krueger: Ha! Figure THAT out!
1368
1369The Nerd: So you go inside one of the houses, and guess what? It's crawling with ginormous spiders, so whaddya do? You give 'em a taste of your fist! Punch 'em! (In-game character punches a spider and the Nerd grunts) Smack 'em around! Assholes! Goddamn fuckin' spiders! Eat my ass, ya fuckin' bitches! Show 'em you're a man! Punch those spiders!
1370
1371The Nerd: (holding a fake spider) Spiders! Punch 'em! (punches spider seven times, then holds a fake snake) Snakes! You want some, too?! (slaps snake four times and throws it on the ground)
1372
1373The Nerd: So I get to this little square door on the floor, and I can't go down. The arrow says down, which probably means that's where I'm supposed to go, but, I can't. It's not 'til later I find out, I'm supposed to collect all the bones in this room first. When I first started playin' this, I had no clue what they were for, but, now I realize you have to get the bones because, that's the point of the game. And if ya can't find every single last one of them, ya can't leave the room. And some of them are practically invisible. They blend in with the background because the graphics just suck.
1374
1375Freddy Krueger: Ooh, yeah! PLAY that SHITTY game!
1376
1377​The Nerd: The plot of this game is that you're tryin' to collect all of Freddy's bones so you can destroy them in a furnace. Confused? Well, Freddy's dead, and now his bones are somehow scattered all around every house on Elm Street. Meanwhile, Freddy's entering your dreams, just like in the movies. And he can only be stopped when his final remains no longer exist.
1378
1379(Three seconds later)
1380
1381The Nerd: Damn! Freddy's got a lot of fuckin' bones! And they all look exactly the same: classic cartoon dog bone. You know, come to think of it, the plot's kinda like Simon's Quest. Why would Simon wanna go around collecting pieces of Dracula? He was killed the first time; just leave him alone! (Shows a picture of Batman tearing the Joker's skull off his skeleton) Imagine if Batman killed the Joker, and then he... scattered his pieces all over the fuckin' city, and then went around collecting them all. What a bunch of fuckin' shit!
1382
1383The Nerd: In fact, the gameplay in Nightmare on Elm Street itself is a lot like Simon's Quest. It has that strange presence to it. Where you slip in and out of day to night; in this case it's a dream world and a... awake world. It's got that non-linear quality to it where you're always confused tryin' to figure out where the fuck to go.
1384
1385Freddy Krueger: Ha! Taste the major suckage, ya fuckin' Nerd!
1386
1387The Nerd: So at the end of each house, some weird incarnation of Freddy appears. In this part, it's Freddy's hand on a bunch of balls. What were they thinkin'?
1388
1389The Nerd: So, you go around, lookin' for another house you can go in. And none of them let me in. Try the cemetery? No, can't go there. What's with the zombies? They look like Frankenstein monsters walkin' with their arms stretched out. Like, how fuckin' stereotypical is that?
1390
1391​The Nerd: Can I go in the junkyard? No. Just keep walkin' around... walkin' down, I guess it's Elm Street, which happens to be the longest fuckin' street in the world! Oh look! I just finally found a house I can go in. The one with the door that's shut. That makes sense, right?
1392
1393The Nerd: What the fuck are these?! Lollipop ghosts with stick arms? Were the enemies in this game designed by some kindergarten kid for Halloween?! I'm surprised they don't have skeletons too. (sees a skeleton) They actually do have skeletons. What the fuck?
1394
1395The Nerd: Could the villains be any more stock? Like, we have this creepy game about Freddy. What kind of creepy characters can we add? Well, how about bats, ghosts, spiders, skeletons, and... Frankensteins for the kiddies? Could it be any more un-creative than that? Like, why don't they just add some witches, black cats, and flying jack-o'-lanterns? They should've just called the game, Boo! Haunted House!, which is probably what they originally had in mind, until they thought, "No, wait! Make it about Freddy! We already ruined Friday the 13th, now let's do the same thing to Nightmare on Elm Street!" And that's right. It's by the same company. We're not gonna say who it is, but it stands for Laughin' Jokin' Numbnuts. Also, listen to the music.
1396
1397(music from the game plays)
1398
1399The Nerd: Sounds familiar, doesn't it? In fact, it sounds kinda like it's recycled from Who the Fuck Framed Roger Rabbit? Another piece of garbage they made. What were they thinking?
1400
1401Freddy Krueger: You love it, ya know ya do.
1402
1403The Nerd: So let me explain how the dream world thing works. Ya have a sleep meter that goes down. If you're standin' still, it goes down. If ya get hit, it goes down. And in time, it goes down by itself. So anything you do, or don't do, the sleep meter goes down.
1404
1405Freddy Krueger: Ain't THAT a bitch?!
1406
1407The Nerd: And once it's down all the way, you go to sleep, unless you didn't already fall asleep playin' this fuckin' game! So, when you're in the dream world, all the enemies are stronger, which doesn't even matter anyway, because you can turn into this other character that throws javelins and does the spinning jump. There's also other dream characters you can play as after you collect the dream tokens. Just like in the movie, Nightmare: Part 3... except for the dream tokens part. So if you play in the dream world for a lengthy period of time, the Freddy music starts playin'.
1408
1409(Freddy music plays)
1410
1411The Nerd: Then, OH GOD! Is Freddy comin'?! He sure is! Of all the shitty things in this game, this screen is so cheesy, that it's just awesome. But it's ruined by the fuckin' trademark symbol! (zooms in on the trademark symbol next to Freddy's name)
1412
1413The Nerd: Anyway, you fight Freddy, which turns out to be real disappointing. It's just a simple flat room, and he walks back and forth, swatting at the air like he's blind. Come on, Freddy.
1414
1415The Nerd: To get out of the dream world, you have to get the radio to wake yourself up. Then you have to wait for it to change back to the awake world. It's annoying like in Simon's Quest. But in Simon's Quest it's way worse because, it's against your own will, it happens so often, and you don't expect it. In Nightmare on Elm Street, at least you're doing it on purpose, and you get that rockin' tune, rather than just dead silence. (The Nerd gets the radio and taps the NES controller on his face with the music playing as his character wakes up.) But now, I'm using my fists again! Give me the javelin back. I wanna go back to sleep. You actually have weapons in the dream world, so, what's the point?
1416
1417The Nerd: You know what's really weird? That this game was actually capable of a 4-player mode using an accessory that allowed four controllers to be connected to your Nintendo Entertainment System? Now, I can't imagine having four people playing this game. Who's gonna wanna play this piece of shit? I'm lucky if I can get one other person. I have a better chance of cloning myself!
1418
1419(Four Nerds play the game together, yelling things such as "This is fuckin' shit!", "It's diarrhea shit!", "This game is horrible!", "Diarrhea fuck.", "It sucks!", "It's shit!", "It's balls!", "What a piece of shit.", "What a shitload of fuck.", and "What a piece of fuckin' shit.")
1420
1421Back Nerd: Hey, wait. Wait, wait, wait. I just cloned myself. I'm in a dream, I can do whatever I want, so why don't we all just stop playin' this fuckin' game?
1422
1423Left Nerd: Yeah.
1424
1425Back Nerd: So, the hell with that shit.
1426
1427Right Nerd: Yeah. The hell with that... damn shit.
1428
1429True Nerd: The hell with that damn... fuckin' shit.
1430
1431Left Nerd: THE HELL WITH THAT GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKIN' BULLSHIT!
1432
1433(Right Nerd gets up)
1434
1435True Nerd: Relax.
1436
1437(Right Nerd turns off NES, and pulls out "A Nightmare on Elm Street")
1438
1439Right Nerd: Now, what should we do with the cartridge?
1440
1441Back Nerd: How 'bout, smash it with a hammer?
1442
1443Right Nerd: Nah, that's not good enough.
1444
1445True Nerd: I know. Let's drop it out the window. (Accompanied by a dumb smile)
1446
1447Right Nerd: No, come on. Be creative.
1448
1449Left Nerd: I say we take a shit on it.
1450
1451Right Nerd: Good! Do it. Empty your ass all over it.
1452
1453Left Nerd: I don't gotta take a shit, though. You take a shit.
1454
1455Right Nerd: You gotta take a shit? Who's gotta take a shit?
1456
1457Back Nerd: I gotta take a shit.
1458
1459Right Nerd: Then take that shit!
1460
1461(Back Nerd puts cartridge on floor and squats down.)
1462
1463Back Nerd: Bombs away!
1464
1465(Back Nerd grunts and shits on the cartridge. True Nerd and Left Nerd react to the shit.)
1466
1467Left Nerd: Fuck you, diarrhea fiend!
1468
1469(Freddy Krueger's shadow is seen.)
1470
1471Left Nerd and True Nerd: (seeing Freddy Krueger's shadow) Whoa! Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Whoa, whoa!
1472
1473Back Nerd: Ugh, come on, it's not that bad.
1474
1475(Freddy Krueger cackles as he grabs Back Nerd by the face and tosses him to the ground)
1476
1477Freddy Krueger: DIE!
1478
1479(Back Nerd is stabbed in the stomach by Freddy. Right Nerd tries to run, but is tripped, and stabbed in the back by Freddy. True Nerd sees Right Nerd getting killed by Freddy.)
1480
1481Oneofthenerds
1482One of the Nerds about to get killed by Freddy.
1483
1484True Nerd: Front door, closet. Front door... Closet.
1485
1486(True Nerd gets inside closet.)
1487
1488Freddy Krueger: DIE!
1489
1490(Left Nerd checks if the coast is clear, but notices Freddy's clawed glove and gets chopped up, and falls apart. Left Nerd then flashes middle finger.)
1491
1492(True Nerd looks out, still looking suspicious. Freddy comes out of nowhere, with his face looking just like the Nerd.)
1493
1494Freddy Krueger: Whoa! Look at me! I'm a fuckin' Nerd! What a piece of shit! Buffalo diarrhea fuckfarts! (Now in serious tone) Ya see, Nerd? Nobody makes ya play these games but yourself. So you're in your own damn nightmare. Now, you're gonna die!
1495
1496The Nerd: Go yank your cock through your ass, ya fuckin' butt mongrel! I got the Power Glove!
1497
1498(Close-up shot of the Power Glove, with Freddy in awe. The Nerd grabs Freddy's glove, and he and Freddy struggle, with a Power Glove punch making Freddy explode. The Nerd wakes up, with the Power Glove still on his arm, not realizing it)
1499
1500The Nerd: (sighs) That was a weird dream.
1501
1502(suddenly, the Nerd realizes he still has the Power Glove on his arm accompanied by the "Castlevania" opening theme, and the caption reads "To Be Concluded...", then the credits roll, accompanied by the "Castlevania" Level 1 music.)
1503
1504Trivia
1505In the ScrewAttack.com and Cinemassacre.com versions, this video features an alternate opening and ending, and also features the song "Welcome to My Nightmare" by Alice Cooper over the end credits.
1506The title card for this episode is shown during the end credits, as James Rolfe didn't want to spoil the Power Glove reveal by showing it at the beginning.
1507Categories:
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1600 MV5BZTlmY2VhNjAtYzBlZi00YjVjLWFlMTItNjkxNWQwOTkwMTc4XkEyXkFqcGdeQXVyMTQzMjU1NjE@. V1 
1601The Power Glove - Angry Video Game Nerd - Episode 14
1602The Power Glove - Angry Video Game Nerd - Episode 14
1603
1604​​(The title card appears, accompanied by the Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!!! fight music. Later, we see the Nerd put the Power Glove on, accompanied by the "TITLE BOUT!" music from Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!!!.)
1605
1606The Nerd: I love the Power Glove. It's so bad. And I mean bad. This thing is bad. Why need a glove to play a game? What's wrong with this? (Holds up an NES controller) Huh? I don't know. I thought this was okay. Playing it, you know, with a controller. So, if anything, the Power Glove is an interesting experiment in gaming technology. But too bad they were just fuckin' jerkin' off! Like, why does it suck so bad? Well, I have one complaint, one fuckin' complaint about this glove; it doesn't work. Now, what's the most important aspect about any game? Well, being able to fuckin' play it!
1607
1608The Nerd: Now, before you can even begin to get this fuckin' piece of shit to work, you have to put these three sensors on your TV like this. (the sensors fall) Fuck! Piece of shit--FUCK! (puts a Panasonic 3D0 controller on top of the sensors, accompanied by the "Excitebike" Track Selection Screen music)
1609
1610The Nerd: Now, if you own the Power Glove, you're gonna need to know what the program codes are. Yes, that's right, you have to put in a different code for each game that you play. So, go on the Internet, get a whole buncha fuckin' codes for all the fuckin' games, and whenever you're playing a fuckin' game, you gotta punch in the code. (The Nerd types out Prog.-1-Enter-Enter, sensors fall off the TV again) Fuck! (The Nerd ends up putting duct tape on the sensors, accompanied by the Excitebike Title Screen and Game Over Theme)
1611
1612The Nerd: (playing Super Glove Ball) Alright, Super Glove Ball. Well, the game is, basically, you're just this glove, and you're going around grabbing balls. Grab the flying fish! Grab 'em! Grab 'em! I don't get it. That's it. I can't fucking take it anymore. I'm sorry. I'm going to show you different games on the Power Glove.
1613
1614The Nerd: (playing Metroid) To shoot, I just squeeze my fingers. Damn! Fuck! Go up! GO UP! Go up! I can't get the fuck up there. Goddamn it! It's easier to do a handstand while taking a shit.
1615
1616The Nerd: (playing Double Dragon) How do I attack? Oh, somehow I kicked, but I don't really know how I did it. I'm getting my ass kicked! Ughhhh. Damn! Come on! Get him! Get him! Punch him--aw, fuck. I can't pass the first screen in Double Dragon. Damn it! Just might as well just use the fuckin' controller. (uses the built-in D-pad and buttons) (under his breath) Jesus Christ. (normal voice) What's the point of this?
1617
1618The Nerd: (playing Castlevania) Castlevania. By twitching my finger like this, I swing the whip. Come on, oh, yeah, there we go! How do I jump? How the fuck do I jump? Is that it? By squeezing? Is that jump? Can I get up the stairs? Can I get up the fucking stairs? Fuck! How do I get up the fucking stairs? Oh. Just jump. Can I do a nice jump over this? Come on! Do a jump! Yeah! There we go! We jumped. It's awesome. It-it's really exciting when you actually get something to work. Go down. There we go. No, don't go that way. Go this way. You asshole, come on. Don't go up the steps, go down the stairs. Don't go up the steps, go down! Don't go up the fucking steps, go down! Go down, you- ahhh, how the fuck am I going up there again? Come- oh, Jesus, jumping all over the place, I didn't even know you can jump backwards. Come on, ah, you fucking fishmen. Oh, good luck, I'm gonna fall in the water and die. FUCK! Wow, this sucks. This sucks hard. Come on, now jump! JUMP! Jump! Oh, wow! That helped. Ok, keep going. Ah! Fuck!
1619
1620The Nerd: Castlevania II: Simon's Quest. There's only one way to do this game with the Power Glove. (punches cartridge)
1621
1622The Nerd: (playing Kung-Fu Heroes) So, while it's not very responsive, I can go up and I can go down and left and right. But, everything else, like the punching and the kicking just seems to come at... random.
1623
1624The Nerd: (playing Bubble Bobble) If you're trying to pop the bubbles, good luck. It sucks monkey fuck. Sucks monkey fuck!
1625
1626The Nerd: (playing LifeForce) Down. Go down. Come on, DOWN, DOWN! GO THE FUCK DOWN! Down! Go down. Left. Go back. Come on, go back! Go left! I can't shoot anybody over there. Go back. Go up. Up. Oh, Jesus, oh, God. Fuck, go! Damn it! Fuck-a-doodle-shit.
1627
1628The Nerd: (playing Jackal) "This battle will make your blood boil. Good luck!" "Good luck" is right. I'm using the fuckin' Power Glove! I can't even line myself up to shoot this fuckin' tank up here. Go up! Shoot the tank! Damn it! Shoot the tank! Shoot the tank! I think I got it. Uh, I can't get around the rock. God-damn it! Move! Ah, left. Left. Come on, left! Left. You can go left. Come on, up. Left! Up! I can't even get around the trees. Oh, yeah! There we go. There we go! Oh, yeah, we're moving on. We're moving on! Okay. Oh, God! Oh, shit!
1629
1630The Nerd: (playing Zelda II: The Adventure of Link) One of the big problems is that I can't either stop jumping or stop ducking. Alright, well, do I want to really bother to talk to him? Nah, not really. No, I don't! Come on, I really, I was, I'm serious. I really don't want to talk to you. Go, leave the f-- leave the fucking cabin, or house, or whatever the fuck it is. Come on, keep walking. Oh, there we go. I didn't really mean to go in there. Alright, leave. Leave the house, go left. Go left. Come on, go left. Augh, you f-- I'm in the house again. I don't wanna-- fuck! Get the fuck out of the house! Get up. Go away. Alright, left. Oh, there we-- Oh, Jesus Christ, why am I shooting the sword?
1631
1632The Nerd: (playing R.C. Pro-Am) Alright! Here we go! We got this, man! We got this by the ass!
1633
1634The Nerd: (playin Rad Racer) You know what's really cool about Rad Racer? That if you push "Select," the game goes 3D. I'm playing Rad Racer with the Power Glove and 3D glasses. It can't get any more rad than that.
1635
1636The Nerd: Wow. Playing Top Gun with the Power Glove. It's like pukin' on a pile of shit. (the Nerd gets to the landing sequence) Oh, my God, what the fuck am I doing? I'm trying to land the plane in Top Gun with the Power Glove? I can't even land it with the regular controller. (The Nerd attempts to land the jet, in which he succeeds; he stares in awe.) (A montage begins accompanied by the Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!!! theme; there are shots of him playing with the Power Glove, putting games in the NES, putting the game codes in, hitting himself with the Power Glove and going hysterical, e.g., throwing a pen at the screen, a shot of the sensors and then a shot of him putting Defender II in and pushing it down with his middle finger.)
1637
1638The Nerd: Oh, Punch-Out!! Alright, well, I don't know how to fuckin' dodge. That's really a problem. Punching seems to work somewhat. Fuck! Oh, God-damn it. Oh, shit! I lost to Glass Joe. I lost... to Glass Joe.
1639
1640The Nerd: Try doing the Contra code with this fuckin' thing. I shoot by twitching my finger. Jump by clenching my fist. Yeah, there we go. There we go! Alright, come on, now. Oh, God, get him! Get him! Get him--! Ohh, fuck! You piece of shit! (Middle finger at Contra Game Over screen)
1641
1642The Nerd: If you want to bring a totally new element of challenge to your Nintendo games, try the Power Glove, 'cause it sure makes everything a lot harder. It's just a barely functional contraption designed to rip off little kids. It's the biggest scam since the Atari 5200 controller. The only kids who owned this were usually the richer ones who thought they were cool. Well, they're not cool. I'm not cool, either. Look at me. You think I'm cool? I've got a fucking glove on my hand. I'm trying to play a fucking game with it. I look like an idiot with a fistful of shit. (Pretends to shoot his fingers off with the grey 1985 NES Zapper, leaving only his middle finger, which he flashes.) Well, hey, let's end with the classic, Super Mario Bros.
1643
1644The Nerd: Alright, Mario. You don't have to keep jumping. At least you made it over the Goomba. You were lucky, you fuck! Alright, what, come on, I can't get up on the pipe? I'm not even doing anything. I'm touching the fucking floor right now. I am touching the floor. And I can't get him to stop jumping. Get over the pipe, you fucking asshole! Oh, I can't get over the pipe. Oh, this-- oh, yeah-- ohh! Fuck. Come on- oh, yeah! Oh, no! Come on, come on! Oh, shit! Oh, you fuck!
1645
1646The Nerd: Now, you're playing with power. Now you're playing with fuckin' shit! You're better off fuckin' shit than fuckin' with this fucked-up shit! Fuck this shit! You don't know shit about how fuckin' shitty this fuckin' shit is. It's so bad, it sucks! It's so fuckin' suck it fucks! And I... can't take it anymore. (holds bottle of Rolling Rock which he drinks while wearing the Power Glove, accompanied by the Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!!! Game Over Theme)
1647
1648Trivia
1649This episode includes the first mention of "The Angry Video Game Nerd" in the summary and title, but the theme song remains unchanged until the Rocky episode. It is the last episode to use the original theme song.
1650This episode of "The Angry Video Game Nerd" is the most viewed episode on Cinemassacre's YouTube channel with over 11 million views. 
1651Categories:
1652Transcripts Transcripts of 2006 Angry Video Game Nerd episodes
1653Community content is available under CC-BY-SA unless otherwise noted.
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