KWzjBgSs

122 October 2012
2Bardquest
30. What is this?
4	Before I am attacked by the group of frothing copyright lawyers that have been camping in my backyard for the past week or so, I would like to say that the original Bardquest was not my idea. It was/is the idea of one Andrew Hussie, though he eventually stopped writing on the grounds that it became just plain stupid. I’m just finishing his work here, not for financial gain or whatever, just because I can. Besides, what is he going to do about it? He doesn’t know that this exists; the flock of lawyers have camped in my backyard at least one week out of month for the past eleven years. I think it has something to do with the climate. 
5	Hello, reader! Let’s play a game! You see, my Bardquest is a “choose your own adventure” novel. That’s right; you make the decisions. If you win, there shall be cake; if you lose, there will be death. Uh, actually, there’s plenty of death regardless of whether you win or lose. It’s kind of just a given by this point. As a final note, I’ve used a piecewise defined function to determine the flow of the possible stories, so reading directly down the page is going to be a bad time. Follow the directions, or you’re going to get confused really fast. Also, I’m sure that there’s at least one section that directly insults readers who can’t follow directions. The directions/options will look like this:
6>Be the bard. Go to 1. 
7May the odds be ever in your favor, choose wisely etc.
81. Be the bard.
9	Okay, you, the sainted, glorious etc. reader are a bard. Henceforth referred to as “you”. You have an audience with the king of this land, and stand ready to meet your destiny. The psychotic elderly king stares down at you detachedly from his throne. Now is your chance! What do you do?
10>Do some cartwheels. Go to 3.
11>Kick him in the balls. Go to 4.
12>Sing the best ballad in the world in honor of the queen. Go to 5.
132. Seriously
14	There is no way you could get to 2. from those three options, so stop reading this now, like a good little boy/girl, and go to whichever paragraph you’re supposed to be reading. If you’re here from 4., you are a dumbass. No offense, but seriously, man.
15>Return to 1. in shame. Go to 1.
163. Do some cartwheels.
17	You bow before the king and his assorted courtiers before attempting a triple-flying pierrette. Emphasis on the “attempting”; you hit the floor like a rock after the second spin and are promptly laughed out of the throne room and into the street. You may try again, if you like.
18>Try again. Go to 1.
19>Return to your home. Go to 6.
20	4.You swiftly kick the king in the groin.
21	Look, if you’re going to pick idiotic options like that one this early in the game, you might as well just stop reading right now.
22>Follow bolded instructions. Go to 2.
235. The Best Ballad in the World
24	Unfortunately, you forgot the best ballad in the world, so you sang Tenacious D’s Tribute instead, all in honor of the beautiful queen. ...However, the king is a homosexual, and is offended by this, but he decides that he likes Queen, so he spares your life.
25>Give encore performance of Queen’s Bohemian Rhapsody. Go to 7.
26>Kneel with dutiful piety or something. Go to 8.
276. Home Sweet Home
28	You return to your meager shack behind The Toad and Chicken, the local tavern, depressed over your failure. As you struggle with the bolt, you notice a massive hooded man watching you from the door of the pub. You frantically try to open the door, but you seem to have left the key in your other pair of trousers. The hooded man is nearly upon you. From this distance, you notice that he seems to be carrying at least half of an armory with him. You try to run, too late, for the man grabs you and holds a jagged knife to your throat. This is the end!
29	The hooded man speaks, in a distinct Cockney accent. “Ello, mate. Wanna buy a knife?”
30>Yes! Go to 9.
31>Uh, no... Go to 10.
32>Who are you? Go to 11.
337. Bohemian Rhapsody
34	You think you did pretty well, for such a difficult song, but the king gets bored after the “Galileo” part is over, and has you baked into a cake, using copious amounts of flour. Good job on finding the fabled pastry, but you still lose. THE END
358.Kneel with dutiful piety or something.
36The king looks at your display of humility, and decides that you are just the carbon-based lifeform that he needs. He taps you on the back of the neck with a ceremonial sword, and appoints you Lord Chief Dragonslayer of the Realm. After a muttered thanks, he sends you off with a pony and some rations to carry out your new duties. Huzzah!
37>Stock up on dragon-slaying supplies. Go to 12.
38>Set off immediately down I-80. Go to 13.
399.Yes!
40	You say yes with great enthusiasm, but you are four and a half goats  short of the hooded Brit’s asking price, so he just shanks you and takes your money. THE END.
4110. Uh, no...
42	“That’s fine man,” said the hooded Cockney, and he walked off.
43	You heave a sigh of relief, and return to your futile task of trying to open the door to your pitiful shack. You are unable to get it open, try as you might, and end up standing there all night. The next day, you promptly catch pneumonia and die. In future lives, you may want to get in the habit of wearing socks. THE END.
4411. Who are you?
45	“Who am I?” repeated the hooded Cockney, “Why, I am the legendary Ronald Hood, son of Marty and Janet! Fear my majestic might! So, you wanna buy a knife, mate?”
46>Yes! Go to 9.
47>Uh, no... Go to 10.
48>Be the other guy. Go to 14.
4912.Stock up on dragon-slaying supplies.
50	You wisely decide that you should probably stock up on some dragon-slaying supplies while you’re still in town. There’s just one problem: you have no idea what dragon-slaying supplies even are, let alone where to find some. You sit down and think for a while, before deciding to go to the local blacksmith. The blacksmith, a genial red-faced fat guy waves back at you and asks how he can be of service.
51>Ask for a sword worthy of a Lord Chief Dragonslayer. Go to 15.
52>Ask for Bard Armor 5+. Go to 16.
53> Ask for his daughter’s hand in marriage. Go to 17.
5413. Set off immediately down I-80.
55	Uh, the highway system hasn’t even been invented yet. Gotta keep this at least a little realistic. Perhaps I-80 will exist in later parts of this tale.
56>Look for dragon-slaying supplies. Go to 12.
5714.You are now the other guy.
58	You are the legendary Ronald Hood, son of Marty and Janet. The poor flustered bard has offended you with his impertinent questions, so you shank him with one of your knives and take his stuff. His stuff is pretty worthless, but the feeling of righteous accomplishment stemming from victory means a lot to you. You have gained enough experience from this conquest to grow to level 5i. Your improved stat card reads as follows:
59Dexterity: 3  Cowbell: 4
60Charisma: 5  Magic: 2
61Stamina: 9  Bodacity: 8
62Strength: 4  Rage: 9004
63	You really need to work on that rage score. You examine the bard’s lifeless body a second time, and take his Gretsch White Sheep Lute. It is pretty awesome. Now what?
64>Go to blacksmith’s to purchase Bodacity 8+ armor. Go to 18.
65>Become street musician. Go to 19.
66>Jump to other timeline/be the other guy. Go to 1.
6715. Ask for a Lord Chief Dragonslayer’s sword.
68	The blacksmith says that he happens to have one, if you’re willing to pay the price. He takes the glorious weapon from his case so you can get a better look at it.
69>Name your price! Go to 17.
70>Bitch-slap the blacksmith and take the sword. Go to 20.
71>Will you accept my firstborn child as payment? Go to 21.
7216. Ask for Bard Armor 5+
73	“Really? You want Bard Armor 5+? No, just take it! Please!”
74>Check to see if I-80 has been invented yet. Go to 22.
75>Ask for a sword worthy of a Lord Chief Dragonslayer. Go to 15.
76>Store your Bard Armor 5+ in your esophagus. Go to 21.
7717. The Price
78	“If you marry my daughter, I’ll give you a sword worthy of a Lord Chief Dragonslayer!” says the genial red-faced blacksmith, holding the magnificent weapon in his meaty red claws.
79>Say yes right away! Go to 23.
80>Ask to meet his daughter first. Go to 24.
81>I need time to think. Go to 25.
82>Uh, I’m a female. Go to 26.
8318. Ask blacksmith for Bodacity Armor 8+.
84	“Ah, zee Bodacity Armor Zeight +!” exclaimed the genial red-faced blacksmith, who has a French accent in this timeline. “A fine choice, but eet ees very expensive!”
85>Name your price! Go to 27.
86>Bitch-slap the blacksmith and steal his stuff. Go to 20.
87>Stroke your beard thoughtfully. Go to 28.
88>Set a limit at h-->0 on his price. Go to 21.
8919. Become street musician.
90	You take the slain bard’s Gretsch White Sheep and begin playing an epic arpeggio in the town square. A small crowd gathers.
91>Thank the academy. Go to 29.
92>Play Eric Johnson’s Cliffs of Dover. Go to 30.
93>Start killing everyone. Go to 31.
9420. Bitch-slap the blacksmith and take the sword/armor.
95	You slap him as hard as you can and grab your prize before he can react. You run off towards the exit unopposed.
96>You took the Lord Chief Dragonslayer sword. Go to 32.
97>You took the Bodacity Armor 8+. Go to 33.
98>Take the blacksmith’s kidneys instead. Go to 21.
9921.Then this happened.
100	NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE. NOPE. NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE. NOPE NOPE NOPE.
101>Choose another option at wherever you came from.
102>There is no second option.
10322. Check to see if I-80 exists.
104	Soon, but not yet.
105>Accept the Bard Armor 5+ again. Go to 16.
106>Be the other guy. Go to 14.
10723. Agree to marry the blacksmith’s daughter.
108	“Great!” shouts the blacksmith. “Here, sign this contract!”
109	You sign the contract he shoves in his face and take your brand new Lord Chief Dragonslayer’s sword. You have accomplished your objective, but you wonder just what exactly you have gotten yourself into. Only time, and future paragraphs, will tell. You leave the blacksmith’s shop, in search of dragons.
110>Stop for a quick bite to eat at The Toad and Chicken. Go to 34.
111>Head immediately to the nearest Dragon Concentration Camp. Go to 35.
112>Go down I-80. Go to 36.
113>Let out blood-curdling Norse battle cry, urinate on street corner. Go to 37.
11424. Meet the blacksmith’s daughter.
115“Understandable,” said the blacksmith. “Pearl, this kid wants to see you!”
116Suddenly, it all hits you. The blacksmith is the fabled Mr. Krabs. You inch toward the exit, but it is too late, as you are soon hit by something else. The something else in question happened to be Pearl, who tripped down a staircase and crushed you flat. THE END.
11725. Uh, I need time to think...
118	“Alright, take all the time you want.”
119>Take all the time you want. Go to 38.
120>Immediately agree to marry his daughter. Go to 23.
121>Ask to meet his daughter first. Go to 24.
12226. You’re a female.
123	“That’s perfectly fine,” says the blacksmith. “This is a pretty progressive dictatorship here. Plus there are tax benefits.”
124>Immediately agree to marry his daughter. Go to 23.
125>Ask to meet his daughter first. Go to 24.
126>What kind of tax benefits? Go to 39.
12727. The Price (Alternate)
128	“Well, Mr. Legendary Hood- I have a very special deal for you,” says the blacksmith, stroking his red, crunchy chin. “I’ll give you the armor right now if you bring me the head of George “Babyface” Nelson by 12:35 P.M. on next Tuesday.”
129>Agree and go to the town square. Go to 40.
130>Quake in terror and run from the shop. Go to 41.
131>Bleat like a goat and lick your elbows. Go to 21.
13228. Stroke your beard thoughtfully.
133	The Legendary Ronald Hood, son of Marty and Janet, does not have a beard. Disturbed, you walk out of the shop and have a good cry in a nearby alley. Now what?
134>Enter fetal position, suck thumb. Go to 41.
135>Become a street musician. Go to 19.
136>Look through nearby dumpsters. Go to 42.
13729. Thank the academy.
138	You go down on your knees before the crowd and thank the academy, whatever the hell that is. The small crowd promptly lynches you on a lamppost. THE END.
13930. Play Eric Johnson’s Cliffs of Dover.
140	It sounds pretty weird on a lute, and you screw up the intro, but pretty soon you’re shredding like P. Absolom Wigglesmith, the greatest lute soloist who has ever lived. The crowd goes wild! At the end, the assembled rabble remain on their knees on the sidewalk, awestruck. They unanimously elect you as their leader.
141>Vow to teach the world the evils of truth and love. Go to 43.
142>Hold a Google Poll to name your group. Go to 44.
14331. Start killing everyone.
144	You begin fighting your way out of the crowd with your various knives and other weapons. The members of the crowd are caught unawares, but soon group up and begin chasing you with torches and random farming implements. It’s probably time to get out of here.
145>Sprint across the square, enter random house. Go to 45.
146>Leap over a fence, do series of cartwheels and backflips, go down manhole. Go to 46.
14732. Steal the Lord Chief Dragonslayer sword.
148	You successfully take the sword unopposed, but its massive weight imbalances you as you try to exit the shop, and you end up falling face-first into barrel of bayonets. As your vision goes black, a little voice in your head tells you that it was worth it. THE END.
14933. Steal the Bodacity Armor 8+
150	You honestly have no idea what the fuck “Bodacity Armor 8+” even is.
151>Apologize to the blacksmith. Go to 47.
152>Stroke your beard thoughtfully. Go to 28.
15334. Stop for a quick bite to eat at The Toad and Chicken.
154	You fasten the Lord Chief Dragonslayer’s Sword to your belt and sit down for a hearty meal at The Toad and Chicken. The tavern got this name because the vast majority of their fare taste like chicken... and are made from toads. It’s the best eatery in this area, anyway, because sanitation hasn’t really been invented yet. You are in a good mood because of your new position and consume several adult beverages. Now what?
155>Say something unintelligible about the Vikings. Go to 48.
156>Play the dice game with hooded stranger. Go to 49.
157>Decide to go home/exit this timeline. Go to 6.
158>Join in on Karaoke Contest. Go to 50.
15935. Head off to nearby Dragon Concentration Camp.
160What the hell is your problem?
161>Do not pass go.
162>Do not collect 200 goats.
16336. Go down I-80.
164	Sadly, I-80 apparently still has not been built yet. At least you have this delicious cake!
165>Wait... what cake? Go to 51.
16637. Let out blood-curdling Norse battle cry, urinate on street corner.
167	You have no idea why you just did that, but everything feels so much better now.
168>Stop for a quick bite to eat at The Toad and Chicken. Go to 34.
169>Head immediately to the nearest Dragon Concentration Camp. Go to 35.
170>Go down I-80. Go to 36.
171>Be the other guy. Go to 14.
17238. Take all of the time you want.
173	You take “all of the time you want” and eventually die of thirst after standing there unmoving for four days. Good job. THE END.
17439. What kind of tax benefits?
175	“Well, you see, ma’am,” says the blacksmith cheerily, we have some, ah, creative accounting practices around here.”
176	“Creative?”
177	“Yeah, I just called them creative.”
178	“Uh, could you explain them?”
179	“The less you know the better, but I will explain further if you really want.”
180>Immediately agree to marry his daughter. Go to 23.
181>Ask to meet his daughter first. Go to 24.
182>Seriously, just explain this “creative accounting”. Go to 52.
18340. Go to town square.
184	You realize that the elusive Mr. Nelson will probably not be there, but it seems like a good place to start. Besides, his head might be in the square and that ‘s the important thing. You look around for several hours, but neither George Nelson or his head are there. He’s probably been hiding in terror ever since you’ve been hunting for him. Several avocado merchants are giving you an aggressive sales pitch, so you decide to look somewhere else.
185>Check under nearby rock. Go to 53.
186>Head to nearest Dragon Concentration Camp. Go to 35.
187>Enter city hall. Go to 54.
188>Flip out and kill the avocado merchants. Go to 55.
18941.Enter fetal position, begin sucking your thumb.
190	The Legendary Ronald Hood will not degrade himself in this manner! Okay, maybe just this once. Suddenly, a pair of constables are upon you! What do you do?
191>Run for it. Go to 56.
192>Ask to be read your Miranda Rights. Go to 57.
193>Hide in nearby dumpster. Go to 58.
19442. Look through nearby dumpsters.
195	You find nothing interesting in the dumpsters, except for the demonic clown thing from It, which eats you alive. THE END.
19643. Vow to teach the world the evils of truth and love.
197	To protect the world from devastation... to unite all peoples within our nation.
198Etc. 
199	After this display of virtuous ideals, you and your company decide to call yourselves Team Spork, because why the hell not? Team Spork shall rid the world of all evil, starting with that dark, creepy forest over there!
200>Enter the Forest of Trolls. Go to 59.
201>Abdicate leadership of Team Spork and open a brewery. Go to 21.
20244. Hold a Google Poll to name your group.
203	Yes, Google Poll exists in this universe. However, due to a technical malfunction, the “Awesome Group Name Poll” gives all of you a strain of unusually fast-acting cholera. As you search in vain for a toilet, you think: Why does it have to end like this? THE END.
20445. Sprint across square, enter random house.
205	“Hello!” says a smiling receptionist. “Welcome to Lecter Brothers International Banking Group! How may I help you?”
206>Take your chances with the angry mob outside. Go to 60.
207>Open a checking account. Go to 61.
208>Defecate on the main desk. Go to 62.
20946. Leap over a fence, do series of cartwheels and backflips, go down manhole
210	Yeah, that’s not going to happen... you duck quickly into a nearby tanner’s shop instead and quickly close the door behind you. The tanner, a bored-looking and leathery bald guy sighs and asks. “What can I do for you?”
211>Can I get one of those European shoulder bag thingies? Go to 63.
212>Can you do something about angry mob outside? Go to 64.
213>Could you sell me a saddle? Go to 65.
21447. Apologize to the blacksmith.
215	“It’s fine,” he says. “Me daughter does that to me all the time.”
216>Ask him to name a price for the Bodacity Armor 8+. Go to 27.
217>Direct the blacksmith to a domestic abuse support group. Go to 66.
21848. Say something unintelligible about the Vikings.
219	You mumble a sentence dealing with the Vikings “roflstomping” the Packers or something of that sort. A muscular bald man sitting a couple stools away from you jumps up and grabs you by the neck before shouting you down.
220	“WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST FUCKING SAY TO ME, YOU LITTLE FUCK!?” he roars. “I GRADUATED TOP OF MY CLASS FROM THE UNITED STATES NAVAL ACADEMY, AND YOU FUCKING SAY THAT TO ME!? I COULD KILL YOUR WORTHLESS ASS OVER A HUNDRED WAYS WITH MY BARE HANDS! I HAVE ACCESS TO THE FULL RESOURCES AND ARSENAL OF THE UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT, AND I WILL NOT FUCKING REST UNTIL YOU HAVE FACED RIGHTEOUS JUSTICE, ASSHOLE!”
221	Finishing his rant, the man tears you in half with his eyebrows. THE END.
22249. Play the dice game with hooded stranger.
223	You agree to play the “Dice Game” with a hooded man from some far-off land. You beat him the first several times and win $1.95. You agree to up the ante for the fourth round, offering your Lord Chief-Dragonslayer’s sword against his truck. You ultimately lose, having written down all nines in the second column for some reason. Just before you pass out, you blithely think: Damn you, adult beverages.
224>Be Alternate Universe Mr. Mittman. Go to 67.
225>Steal his truck. Go to 68.
22650. Join in on Karaoke Contest.
227	You run up on stage, draw your trusty lute and begin to sing New York, New York. The crowd goes wild, though you suspect it may have a lot to do with the amount of alcohol they have ingested. You shrug it off and decide to sing a couple more rounds. During the middle of I Shot the Sheriff, the bartender comes up on stage to tell you that he knows where to find a dragon, and that several patrons have threatened to bludgeon you to death with sharp kitchen instruments.
228>Leave to find the dragon. Go to 69.
229>Bludgeon me to death with sharp kitchen instruments? Ha! Go to 70.
230>Sing MC Hammer’s U Can’t Touch This. Go to 71.
23151. Cake
232There is not a cake. There has never been a cake.
233	>Go back to 23., or wherever you got here from.
23452. Seriously, explain this “creative accounting”.
235	“Well, if you insist,” says the genial, red-faced crustacean. “You see, my lad, in microeconomics, a firm in monopolistic competition may engage in product differentiation, setting their product apart from those of their competitors. This increases prices for the consumer, and increases deadweight losses, but it does increase profit in the short run. That’s how it normally works, but, you see, my boy, in this universe, all of our market forces, life, the universe, everything: all of those are in the control of the writer, who ignores or distorts reality/ logic as he sees fit. That’s why we use so-called “creative accounting”, because the writer wrote it down as an option earlier without coming up with a reasonable explanation or way to tie this into the plot. If there even is a plot, I mean, holy shit. Just look at this paragraph of monologue. It probably should’ve ended like three sentences ago, but this jackass just does whatever he wants.”
236“I see.”
237“No, you don’t see!” yelled the blacksmith. “We are all mere pawns of ‘The Man’ here! We have no free will or choices! All of our choices are made by the writer, and whatever sections the moronic reader chooses. Our lives mean nothing! Our freedom means even less than nothing. Negative meaning! This universe is nothing more than a sick, twisted daydream that The Man comes up with to amuse himself! We live and die on his depraved whims, like people from New Jersey! But, what can we do about it? Nothing! There is nothing that can be done! We are just abstract concepts of “character”, floating around on paper, like barnacles on the crusty nether regions of a sea turtle, drifting about in an ocean of corruption!”
238“For fuck’s sake!” continued the blacksmith. “Just look at that terrible simile there. JUST LOOK AT IT, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD- AND I’M MR. KRABS, APPARENTLY! That makes a whole lot of sense! You know what? If The Man thinks I’m just going to take injustice like this lying down, he has another think coming! I’m going to get off the floor right now, and sit in that chair over there.”
239True to his word, the blacksmith jumped up off the ground and sat down in a chair behind his desk, where he promptly started trimming his toenails with a battleaxe.
240“Why am I-ouch-doing-ouch-this!? he wailed.
241>Uh, you should probably just start over and make better choices. Go to 1.
242>Or, be the other guy. Go to 14.
24353. Check under nearby rock.
244	You furtively lift the small-ish boulder off the ground in search of the infamous George “Babyface” Nelson. ...Believe it or not, he’s there.
245“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING, JUST LIFTING A MAN’S ROCK UP LIKE IT’S THE WORLD’S BUSINESS?” he screamed, jumping up and producing a Thompson submachine gun, as if by magic. “WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT, COCKMUNGLER?”
246>Uhh.. nothing. Go to 72.
247>Your head! Go to 73.
248>Your autograph, sir. Go to 74
24954. Enter city hall.
250	Uh, this is technically taking place during the Middle Ages, and this place already has a king... so, yeah, there isn’t a city hall. You enter a bakery instead. Suddenly, the smell of baking bread rushes to your head, sending you into a flashback of a repressed childhood memory. Which one is it this time?
251>Addressing U.N. Security Council dressed as a penguin. Go to 75.
252>Climbing to top of jungle gym. Go to 76.
253>Seeing Regis Philbin naked on a train. Go to 77.
25455. Flip out and kill the avocado merchants.
255	As you finish stabbing the third and final avocado merchant with a javelin, a policeman walks past. He keeps on walking, as stabbing a salesman is perfectly legal around these parts.
256>Search elsewhere for George Nelson. Go to 78.
25756. Run for it.
258	You try to make a break for it, but you’re exhausted from all of that crying. The constables run you down pretty quick and put you in chains, though you haven’t exactly committed a crime, although one of them is fairly sure that entering fetal position in a public alley is against several zoning ordinances.
259>Wake up in dungeon. Go to 79.
26057. Ask to be read your Miranda Rights.
261“Well,” says the first officer. “That could be a problem, hey, Jenkins, can you read?”
262	“Nope,” replied Officer Jenkins, “Let’s take him in, Anderson.”
263	“Wait, what did I do?” you say.
264	“We’re not sure,” says Officer Jenkins, clapping you in irons. “but you asked to be read your rights, so you’re probably guilty of something.”
265>Wake up in dungeon. Go to 79.
266>Use precedent of Miranda v. The State of Arizona. Go to 80.
26758. Hide in nearby dumpster.
268	You dive into the dumpster before the constables notice. Your victory is somewhat dampened when, several minutes later, you are eaten alive by the demonic clown thing from It that was trying to get some rest in there. THE END.
26959. Enter the Forest of Trolls
270	Team Spork enters the vile Forest of Trolls, ready to deal swift justice to evildoers. The Forest of Trolls has an interesting atmosphere, as the company moves forward through the darkness, you begin to feel a mixture of anger, disgust, and above all annoyance. You swear that someone in the shadows is whispering a constant buzz of “HUEHUEHUEHUEHUE”, punctuated by quiet shouts of “U MAD?” or “my Jimmies are rustled”. This awful place is about as close as you can come to Hell on Earth without actually going to Hell on Earth... or Indiana. After several agonizing hours of stalking through the infuriating forest without seeing anything remotely interesting, you and Team Spork come to a fork in the road.
271>Take the left path. Go to 81.
272>Take the right path. Go to 82.
273>Pick up the fork. Go to 21.
27460. Take your chances with the angry mob outside.
275	You back out of Lecter Brothers International as fast as possible. Luckily, the angry mob has decided to lynch several “witches” instead. You heave a sigh of relief and walk past them. Unfortunately, it soon becomes apparent that the so-called “witches” actually ARE witches when they incinerate about half of the crowd in a massive fireball released from the end of a broomstick. Oh shit. 
276>Sneak away. Go to 83.
277>Challenge the head witch to a magical duel. Go to 84.
278>Walk back into Lecter Brothers International. Go to 85.
27961. Open a checking account.
280	“Uh, I’d like to open a checking account, please,” you say.
281	“An excellent choice, in fact you qualify for a special Lecter Brother’s Platinum Account, you should go fix the details with Phil on floor 67!” says the receptionist, her smile resembling that of an inflatable cow.
282>Fix the details with Phil on floor 67. Go to 86.
28362. Defecate on the main desk.
284	“Why thank you!” exclaims the receptionist. “We are always in need of fresh fertilizer!”
285>Get the hell out of there. Go to 87.
286>Browse a newspaper while finishing your “business”. Go to 88.
28763. Can I get one of those European shoulder bag thingies?
288	“Sure,” says the tanner, “you Eurotrash gaylord.”
289>Talk about the Pet Shop Boys. Go to 89.
290>Smash his head open with a cow thighbone. Go to 90.
29164. Can you do something about angry mob outside?
292	The kindly tanner strokes his beard. “I’ll see what I can do.” He sticks his head out the window. “Hey! The asshole’s in here!” THE END.
29365. Could you sell me a saddle?
294	“Yes,” says the tanner. “I could.”
295	You wait quietly for elaboration.
296	The tanner rolls his eyes. “Like I said, I could sell you a saddle.”
297>Will you sell me a saddle? Go to 91.
298>Very funny, asshole. Go to 92.
29966. Direct the blacksmith to a domestic abuse support group.
300	The blacksmith agrees to go, providing it doesn’t cost him any money and that you will accompany him. The pair of you set off to the meeting, which is in a pineapple under the sea. Unfortunately, you do not have gills and nearly drown trying to get there, but you have your Bodacity Armor 8+ now, though you are on a beach far away from your home.
301>Evolve gills. Go to 93.
302>Look for something to test out your Bodacity Armor 8+ on. Go to 94.
30367. You are now Alternative Universe Mr. Mittman.
304	You throw back your hood and pick up the Lord Chief Dragonslayer’s Sword, as the bard passes out. You exit the Toad and Chicken, careful not to step on unconscious patrons. Duty calls!
305> Head to nearest dragon’s lair. Go to 95.
306>Make sure your truck is locked first. Go to 96.
30768. Steal his truck.
308	...No one had trucks in the Middle Ages, not even Alternate Universe Mr. Mittman.
309>Pass out. Go to 97.
310>Join in on Karaoke Contest. Go to 50.
31169. Leave to find the bartender’s dragon.
312	According to the the toothless bartender’s map, the dragon’s lair is on a smallish-mountain on the border of the Realm and South Hypothetica. Road trip!
313>Set off down I-80 to South Hypothetica. Go to 98.
31470. Bludgeon me to death with sharp kitchen instruments? Ha!
315	“Ha!” you laugh, “I’d like to see them try!”
316	“Alright,” says the bartender, “get him, lads!”
317	Suddenly, you are seized from behind by several farmers and tied down with copious amounts of barbed dental floss by a group of medieval orthodontists. A cook emerges from the kitchen with an assortment of meat cleavers and kitchen knives, passing them out to various patrons. Someone plays Joplin’s Mapleleaf Rag with gusto, as karaoke haters take turns smacking you with the blunt edges of the knives. This is going to be a slow and humiliating end! Or, maybe not. As a fat green grocer prepares to beat you with a carving knife, a grenade blasts a chunk out of the Toad and Chicken’s North Wall. A pinstripe-suited and bowler-hat wearing figure steps through the gap, and into this timeline.
318>George Expletive Nelson. Go to 99.
31971. Sing MC Hammer’s U Can’t Touch This. 
320	You break into a decent rendition of MC Hammer’s U Can’t Touch This. However, instead of deterring opponents, a number of patrons soon prove that they can indeed touch this. In fact, they can touch this with machetes. THE END.
32172. Uhh... nothing.
322	“REALLY, SCRUB MCCHAUSTER?” screams George “Babyface” Nelson. “DO YOU KNOW WHO THE FUCK I AM?”
323	“Uh, you’re George ‘Babyface’ Nelson.”
324	“BABYFACE?” he roars “WHO THE HELL ARE YOU CALLING BABYFACE, YOU SICK TWISTED GEEZER?”	Nelson paused a moment to grab a passing news camera team and interrupt the 6 O’clock news by shoving his face into the camera and screaming “I’M GEORGE FUCKING NELSON.”
325	You cover your face and try to edge away, but George Expletive Nelson grabs your arm and pulls you in front of the camera at gunpoint.
326	“THIS COCKSMOKER HERE,” he roars, pointing at you with his Tommy gun, “THINKS IT’S PERFECTLY OKAY TO JUST LIFT UP AN HONEST, GOD-FEARING, HARD-WORKING CITIZEN’S ROCK, FOR NO FUCKING REASON!”
327	“Actually, I...”
328	“THEN HE OR SHE CAN’T STOP STUTTERING OUT THESE LAME-ASS EXCUSES!” interrupts George Expletive Nelson. “WHAT’S YOUR NAME, TOOL?”
329>Spongebob Squarepants. Go to 100.
330>Clark W. Griswold, at your service. Go to 101.
33173. Your head!
332	“Oh,” says George Expletive Nelson, finally turning his caps lock off. “Well, thanks for asking.” He removes his head from his shoulders, hands it to you, and walks away.
333>Return to the blacksmith. Go to 102.
33474. Your, autograph, sir.
335	“OH, REALLY!” screams George Expletive Nelson. “WELL, I GUESS I’D BETTER GIVE IT TO AN ANNOYING-ASS  FANBOY, RIGHT? With that, he draws his Thompson submachine-gun and spells out “GEORGE FUCKING NELSON” with bullet holes in your abdomen. THE END.
33675. Addressing U.N. Security Council dressed as a penguin.
337	In your twisted recurring fever dream, you are addressing the complete U.N. Security Council (Wrist-Slapping Division) while dressed as a penguin. The ambassadors stare at you, like they’re thinking about roasting your succulent, feathery meat on a roaring fire, and calling it something like le Flambe de Scrub. Either that, or they’re counting in binary in their heads, like most politicians are. About halfway through your bungled oratory on Virgil’s minor works, you suddenly remember that this is part of your “Inception” experience, and that this merely a dream inside of a dream inside a dream, inside a dream...
338>Proceed to next stage of psychosis/2010 film. Go to 103.
33976. Climb to the top of jungle gym.
340	You have not actually had this nightmare before, but you prepare to enjoy it anyway. You’re in third or fourth grade, climbing to the top of a jungle gym that appears to be about the size of the Empire State Building. You know that, in actuality, it’s only like five feet tall, and charge ahead, confidently. Forty minutes later, you realize that the jungle gym actually is the Empire State Building, and several helpful New Yorkers have been taking potshots at you for like twenty minutes. You realize this only after one of their bullets penetrates your spleen. THE END. 
34177. See Regis Philbin naked on a train.
342	….
343>See 21. for full story.
34478. Search Elsewhere for George Nelson.
345	According to your map, Elsewhere is a mere ten minute jog from the northern border of the Realm. You have no idea what’s there, but, what the hell? You have a map, and Elsewhere sounds as good of a place to look as any. 
346>Set off down I-80 to Elsewhere. Go to 104.
34779. You wake up in a dungeon.
348	Mercifully, your arms and legs are unchained, but the bars on the door and windows look pretty solid. Also, the cell smells like an entire High School football team took a shit in here. Sure enough, some graffiti scrawled on the East wall informs you that the CMB raiders defecated here on September 8, 1992. You probably should get out of here, and you know just how to pull this off.
349>Activate magic runic tattoos, reap results. Go to 105.
35080. Use precedent of Miranda v. The State of Arizona.
351The constables recognize the constitutional merit of your beautiful, eloquent, five paragraph argument. However, your topic sentences suck so they behead you on the spot. THE END.
35281. Take the left path.
353	You point to the left, and Team Spork follows your lead. In the distance, you hear the faint sounds of Rick Astley wailing the chorus of Never Gonna Give You Up. One of the weaker members of Team Spork collapses and dies on the spot. You and Sheamus, your lieutenant, bury him off the path, with a twenty-one sword salute. After all of the swords have been found after being fired into the air, you set off down the path. Suddenly, you come across several goblins, sitting around a fire.
354“Goblins, my lord!” cries Sheamus.
355“Hey! Who the fuck are you calling a goblin?” says a goblin in a feather headdress, evidently the leader. “We are clearly orcs!”
356“I’m sorry!” you say. “Wait, isn’t this the Forest of Trolls?”
357“Well, you see, Sonny Jim, this isn’t the Forest of Trolls anymore, and we’re not goblins. Those terms just aren’t politically correct anymore. This is the Forest of Diminutive Humanoid Minorities; we’re orcs, the trolls are Brazilians, and the elves, well, the elves lost the war a couple years ago, so they actually are goblins.” says the orc leader, gnawing on a chicken bone.
358“Ah!” you say. “Do you fine orcs know where we could find some injustice to rectify?”
359“We’re fine here,” he replies, “but the tro- ...Brazilians could probably use a bit of help.”
360“Alright, we’ll see what we can do.”
361“Team Spork! Blast off again!” shouts Sheamus.
362As you and Team Spork head off down the path, in search of Brazilians, one of the orcs beside the chieftain let out a tremendous fart.
363“Broseph,” says the chieftain, “you’re such a goblin.” 
364>Continue down the path. Go to 106.
36582. Take the right path.
366The right path winds on for several more disturbing miles, with the faint sounds of “Gangnam Style” or something in the background. Every once in awhile, an octopus-headed creepypasta thing crawls out of a hollow tree and spits some nasty goop stuff at you. You’re not sure what it is, but its secretions taste awful. Eventually, you come to a clearing with a house in the middle of it. Ominously, the house is perched on top of a pair of chicken feet
367>Enter the Chicken House-thing. Go to 107.
36883. Sneak away from the witches.
369	The witches seem to be preoccupied with destroying the angry mob, so you sneak past them pretty easily. You sprint down a random alley near the blacksmith’s shop and catch your breath. While you’re doing this, Pennywise the Clown jumps out at you and torments you with one of your recurring nightmares. Choose your poison!
370>Address the U.N. Security Council while dressed as a penguin. Go to 75.
371>Talk about the Pet Shop Boys to an angry tanner. Go to 89.
372>Become Alternative Universe Mr. Mittman. Go to 67.
373>Be the other guy. Go to 14.
374>Be the bard. Go to 1.
37584. Challenge the head witch to a magical duel.
376	You knock the flaming crowd aside and bow to the head witch, preparing your armaments, i.e. the magic runic tattoo things on your stomach. The head witch jerks her head irritably, and pulls up her upper lip to reveal a double set of high level tattoos on her gums. ...Maybe this was a bad idea. The weaker magician is customarily allowed the first move. Think fast!
377>Expelliarmus! Go to 108.
378>Send her to the Shadow Realm. Go to 109.
379>Kill yourself just to get it over with. Go to 110.
38085. Walk  into Lecter Brothers International.
381	The smiling receptionist (somewhat creepily) is waiting for you. “You’re just in luck! As the 9000th customer to enter this door, you qualify for a Lecter Brothers Platinum Account! Set up the details with Phil on floor 67!”
382>Fix the details with Phil on floor 67. Go to 86.
38386. Fix the details with Phil on floor 67.
384	Unfortunately, elevators do not exist yet, so you have to walk up the sixty-six flights of stairs manually. This probably should take at least one more paragraph-thing.
385>Walk up sixty-six flights of stairs. Go to 111.
38687. Get the hell out of there
387	You get the hell out of there as fast as you can. As you leave, you suddenly suffer an identity crisis.
388>Be the bard. Go to 1.
389>Become Alternate Universe Mr. Mittman. Go to 67.
390>Become street musician. Go to 19.
39188. Browse newspaper while finishing your “business”.
392	You grab a newspaper from the rack by the door and continue fulfilling your essential bodily functions. As you nearly strain yourself, an article catches your eye. It reads:
393“WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST FUCKING SAY TO ME, YOU LITTLE FUCK!? I GRADUATED TOP OF MY CLASS FROM THE UNITED STATES NAVAL ACADEMY, AND YOU FUCKING SAY THAT TO ME!? I COULD KILL YOUR WORTHLESS ASS OVER A HUNDRED WAYS WITH MY BARE HANDS! I HAVE ACCESS TO THE FULL RESOURCES AND ARSENAL OF THE UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT, AND I WILL NOT FUCKING REST UNTIL YOU HAVE FACED RIGHTEOUS JUSTICE, ASSHOLE!”
394	You look up from the newspaper, just in time to see a muscular, bald man leap into the bank through a window and beat you to death with a copy of The Brothers Karamazov .
395THE END.
39689. Talk about the Pet Shop Boys.
397	You give the tanner an amazing overview of the complexities of the Pet Shop Boys’ sound and/or musical vision.
398	“Wow,” says the tanner, his eyes glazed. “I never thought about it that way.” Then he knocks you out with a blackjack, tans your hides, and makes you into a stylish European handbag. THE END. 
39990. Smash his head open with a cow thighbone.
400	You seize a skeletal bovine leg from a nearby table, rip it off at the pelvis, and beat the shit out of the tanner. Justice!
401>Check to see if the angry mob is still there. Go to 112.
402>Vandalize the tanner’s shop. Go to 113.
40391. Will you sell me a saddle?
404	“Yes, I will. That’ll be 40 goats, please.” says the tanner, rolling his eyes.
405	You do not have quite enough goats on you to purchase the saddle, so you tell him to keep it there for you, and go off to find some money.
406>Walk into Lecter Brothers’ International Banking Co. Go to 85.
407>Haggle. Go to 114.
40892. Very funny, asshole.
409	“Finally!” shouts the tanner. “A customer who appreciates my humor! Here, just take the saddle!”
410	You accept the free saddle and exit the shop. If only you had a cow.
411>Look for a horse along I-80. Go to 115.
412> Summon a cow/jump timelines and perspectives. Go to 108.
41393. Evolve gills.
414	You stay on the beach for the 1.86 million years it takes you to evolve gills; unfortunately the ocean has dried up by this point. You should’ve died eons ago anyway. THE END.
41594. Look for something to test out your Bodacity Armor 8+ on.
416	You see a guy walking past. This will do! You draw your knives, strap on your armor, and charge at him. Too late, you realize that the guy you just picked a fight with is none other than Mr. Brown.
417>Get your ass kicked into the gutter. Go to 116.
41895. Head to the nearest dragon’s lair.
419	Conveniently, there happens to be a dragon’s lair in the basement of Alley’s Pizza. You drive your truck straight in, crushing the poor dragon like a cockroach. Oops. Well, the deed has been done. Time to go talk to the king about a reward.
420>Return to the Realm, seek an audience with the king. Go to 117.
421>Wait, why is Alley’s here, anyway? Go to 118.
42296. Check to see if your truck is locked first.
423	This takes place in the Middle Ages. Not even Alternative Universe Mr. Mittman has a truck here. You probably shouldn’t be wasting your time on all of these lame tangents.
424>Go right ahead to the dragon’s lair. Go to 95.
425>Find the tangent line to the plot at x=4. Go to 21.
42697. Pass out.
427	You pass out while searching in vain for Alternative Mr. Mittman’s imaginary truck. However, it soon becomes apparent that the truck is actually invisible, as Alternative Mr. Mittman accidentally backs over you, crushing your spine. THE END.
42898. Set off down I-80 to South Hypothetica.
429	I-80 does exist now, and you arrive in a South Hypothetican village after a two-hour journey. You see the smallish mountain ahead, but are unsure of which path leads to the summit. For logistical reasons, the South Hypothetican Government has more or less nine-thousand different paths up or around the hill. Freaking democracy.
430>Ask a nearby local for directions to the dragon’s lair. Go to 119.
431>Roll a nine-thousand sided dice. Go to 142.
43299. George Expletive Nelson
433	The bowler hat-wearing figure steps into the timeline, firing a Thompson submachine gun into the ceiling, spraying the Toad and Chicken’s patrons with fragments of tile that are probably like 96% asbestos. He takes a dramatic look around and sees you, tied up and in the process of being beaten to death with sharp kitchen implements.
434	“STOP DOING THAT AT ONCE, ASS-TANGENTS!” he screams, gunning down several of your assailants. “THAT IS NOT HOW A PROPER GENTLEMAN ANNIHILATES HIS ENEMIES, YOU BAGS OF DICKS!”
435	He walks up to you and unties your bonds, taking care to kick aside the body of one of the medieval orthodontists as approaches. “THIS DISPLAY OF COWARDICE IS FUCKING DISGUSTING!” Then he catches sight of your Lord Chief Dragonslayer’s sword and lute.
436“ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!?”
437	George Expletive Nelson shoves his face directly into yours and shouts. “YOU, DUMBASS! YEAH, YOU. YOU SERIOUSLY STUCK WITH THE CANDY-ASS BARD’S TIMELINE THIS LONG? WELL, I’M GOING TO FIX THAT!” With that, he shoots you (the bard) forty-eight times. “THE END, BOLDED. NOW, IF YOU WILL FUCKING EXCUSE ME, I’M OFF TO THE COOL TIMELINE.” As he begins to disappear in a cloud of cigar smoke he yells, “AND IF I EVER GET OUT OF HERE AND MEET THE WRITER- I’M GOING TO TEAR HIM A NEW ASSHOLE!” THE END.
438100. Spongebob Squarepants.
439	“REALLY,” says George Expletive Nelson, “WELL, LET ME SEND YOU TO YOUR PINEAPPLE UNDER THE SEA, YOU YELLOW, SPONGY ASSHOLE.” He punts you into the ocean with a ferocious, moonshine-fueled kick.
440>Evolve Gills. Go to 93.
441101. Clark W. Griswold
442	“AH, THE INFAMOUS MR. CLARK W. FUCKING GRISWOLD!” laughs George Expletive Nelson. “WHY DON’T I DIRECT YOU TO MY DEAR FRIEND, MR. WAYNE NEWTON, YOU SICK BASTARD.”
443>Tell Cousin Eddie to eat George Expletive Nelson alive. Go to 21.
444102. Return to the blacksmith.
445	“Wow,” says the blacksmith. “Apparently, the writer never thought anyone would actually arrive at this option, because of creative accounting.”
446	“What?” you say.
447	“It’s complicated,” he sighs. “Basically, we are all just characters in a shitty story.”
448>Seriously, explain this “creative accounting”. Go to 52.
449103. Proceed to next stage of psychosis/2010 film.
450	You feel the familiar sensation of staring cross-eyed down a kaleidoscope as you proceed to your next dream. This dream is the dream within a dream of a dream about some kid dreaming. If you don’t wake up from this one in time, you will enter the third or second dream, both of which are pretty bad, as they involve having a conversation with Joe Biden, without ear protection. Also, you die at the end of them. That’s probably some kind of ironic literary technique or something, considering the final ending of the story... Speaking of that, you’ve spent too long in this dream and die of tuberculosis. THE END.
451104. Set off down I-80 to Elsewhere.
452	I-80 exists now! You hitch a ride to Elsewhere in a family RV, who agree to give you a ride if you can sing some Bob Dylan for them. You’re not exactly the candy-ass bard you killed earlier, but you have pretty mad lute skills. Besides, most of Dylan’s songs are in the same key anyway. As you arrive in Elsewhere city, you feel slightly sad about leaving the family and their redneck-y charm. Not sad enough to halt your search for George Nelson!
453>Go to the Tourist Information Center. Go to 120.
454>Reminisce about the ‘60s. Go to 121.
455105. Activate magic runic tattoos, reap results.
456		You use some powerful magic... summoning a cow. You hop on the cow and ride around the cell. Whee! Okay, that’s enough fun for right now. Time to really bust out of here.
457>Use legit magic. Go to 122.
458>Ride the cow around some more. Go to 123.
459106. Continue down the path.
460	You thank the group of orcs and move on. After about ten minutes of walking, the atmosphere of the forest changes once again. You can hear faint whispers of “HUEHUEHUE” and scratches of what sounds like some form of electronic samba music. That probably means that you’re near the “Brazilian” side of the Forest of Diminutive Humanoid Minorities. Sure enough, Team Spork arrives at what appears to be the Brazilian/Troll encampment. Immediately, several hideous trolls (or “Brazilians”) grab all of you and force you into a conga line. Apparently, you’ve arrived just in time for carnival! Perhaps they’re throwing this celebration in your honor.
461>Ask what the occasion is. Go to 124.
462>DANCE, DANCE, DANCE-DANCE TO THE RADIO! Go to 125.
463>Consume several adult beverages. Go to 126.
464107. Enter the Chicken house-thing.
465	You and Team Spork send Sheamus in first for recon, and enter the creepy chicken-legged house. Suddenly, a stun grenade drops from the ceiling. It’s an ambush!
466	“Prepare to die, Team Spork!” screams a familiar voice. “Your heresy will be extinguished, and Team Spoon shall reign supreme once more!”
467	A vicious and confusing blind battle rages on the for the next ten minutes or so. You really have no idea what the hell went on, except that it seems to have involved a lot of dismemberment and possibly a little cannibalism. 
468> Crawl to the side of fallen comrade. Go to 127.
469> Scream like a banshee, shit yourself, and charge back into battle. Go to 128.
470108. Expelliarmus! 
471	The head witch kind of just stares at you blankly. Then she prepares to destroy you with a massive fireball, but her pitiful wand is no match for your elder wand, and the fireball blows up in her face. Yes, you are the master of the elder wand. Don’t ask question. The angry mob lifts you onto their shoulders, cheering. They shout, “Ronald Hood for king! Ronald Hood for king!”
472>Thank the academy. Go to 29.
473>Allow yourself to be carried before the ancient homicidal king. Go to 129.
474109. Send her to Shadow Realm.
475	Somehow, you succeed in sending the witch to the Shadow Realm. Holy shit. You realize how lame of a reference that was, and the fabric of space and time collapses around you. Sorry Matt, if you’re reading this one. THE END.
476110. Kill yourself just to get it over with.
477	Look, buddy, you’re supposed to at least try not to die.
478>Do not pass go.
479>Kick the king in the balls. Go to 4.
480>Head to Dragon Concentration Camp instead. Go to 35.
481111. Finally meet with Phil on floor 67.
482	Panting, you finally finish trudging up the sixty-six flights of stairs and enter Phil’s office. A mild-mannered guy, presumably Phil, sits quietly in the office. Oh shit! What do you do?
483>Walk up and shake Phil’s hand. Go to 130.
484>Say something about the weather lately. Go to 131.
485>Get the hell out of there. Go to 132.
486>Take the derivative of his desk. Go to 133.
487>Tell him you like his tie. Go to 134.
488>Futilely try to appease the plot gods. Go to 135.
489>Start lip-synching a Bloodhound Gang song. Go to 136.
490112. Check to see if the angry mob is still there.
491	While your initial observations lead you to conclude that the mob is gone, it soon becomes apparent that they were just hiding when they kill you with pitchforks. THE END.
492
493113. Vandalize the tanner’s shop.
494	You step over the tanner’s unconscious body and produce several magic markers and a can of spray paint. You always keep these handy, you know, just in case a plot event like this happens. You draw several ...male body parts on the tanner’s face and spray paint a picture of the “Obey” logo on the shop window. It’s pretty awesome, if you do say so yourself. You leave the tanner’s shop before he wakes up. Outside, a random guy walks past. What do you do?
495>Try to sell him some spray paint. Go to 137.
496>Get your ass kicked into the gutter. Go to 116.
497114. Haggle.
498	“Bro,” you say, “I’ll give you 200 goats right now for it.”
499	The tanner pretends to think it over. “I won’t accept less than 257.46 goats for it, and I’ll make that a round 260, because I’m supposed to start the haggling!”
500	“No, I’ll give you 230 goats at the most. Real, hard cash.”
501	The tanner strokes his beard. He does not have a beard. Clearly disturbed, he says. “Alright, but what are we even haggling about?”
502	“You know what?” you say, “I don’t want whatever it is?”
503	“What?” he cries.
504	“I don’t know!” you yell.
505	The tanner looks at his feet. “How about, I’ll just give you this saddle and we’ll forget about this plot event, okay?”
506	You shake his hand and say, “That seems fair.”
507	The tanner jerks his head irritably. “Get out of here, asshole.”
508>Look for a horse along I-80. Go to 115.
509>Threaten the tanner, Happy Gilmore-style. Go to 138.
510115.Look for a horse along I-80.
511	I-80 does not exist in this timeline, though it does in at least two others. You wander around at random, until you end up in the blacksmith’s shop at 3:07 A.M. The blacksmith isn’t mad, but he wears bunny-print footie pajamas. He wants you to listen to his soliloquy on “creative accounting”.
512>Seriously, explain this “creative accounting. Go to 52.
513116. Get your ass kicked into the gutter.
514	You try your hardest, you really do, but Alternative Universe Mr. Brown wrecks you without even trying. His nine-iron is pretty deadly, even for a skilled fighter like the Legendary Ronald Hood. You lie there in the gutter, bleeding from your very pores, as Alternative Brown takes your wallet and Bodacity Armor 8+.
515>Be Alternative Universe Mr. Brown. Go to 139.
516>Crawl, snivelling, into a random bank. Go to 85.
517117. Return to the Realm, seek an audience with the king.
518	You are ushered directly into the empty throne room after showing the dragon’s squashed head to a servant. That efficiency! Absolute monarchy has its perks. Suddenly, you get a premonition that something cliched and creepy is about to happen.
519	“Ah,” says a mysterious voice from somewhere in the room. “Alternative Universe Mr. Mittman- we meet again!”
520	“Who are you, what do you want from me?”
521	“Seriously, don’t you remember me?” says the king, swiveling around to face you. Apparently, the king has a rollable throne. Like the blacksmith said in a parallel plot line, this is a pretty progressive monarchical dictatorship. Your face must show no sign of recognition, because he sighs and says. “Come on, we took Geometry together in high school!”
522	You suddenly recognize the king. “Richard! It’s been years!” You walk up and shake his hand.
523	“So, Alt-Mr. Mittman,” says the king (or Richard). “I see you’re apparently the new Lord Chief Dragonslayer of my Realm.”
524	“Yes,” you say, “talk about moving up in the world, haha.”
525	Richard rolls his eyes. “Not really; I usually give that post out at least once a week to annoying-ass bards. I swear to God, it doesn’t matter how many I send to their deaths; they reproduce like E. coli bacteria.”
526	You and Richard enjoy a hearty laugh at the exponential growth joke. “Well, I have actually slain a dragon.”
527	“Indeed, celebrations are in order!” says Richard, clapping his hands. Servants rush into the room and set up a table for a feast.
528	The feast is amazing, and you reminisce with your old friend about advanced trigonometry topics and what your other classmates are doing. (“I hear old Napoleon’s off being a big deal in some hellhole called Europe...” etc. etc.). The night is closed with a live performance by the king, Richard Paul Astley.
529Never gonna give you up,
530Never gonna let you down,
531Never gonna run around
532And desert you
533	At these words, you realize that, while you’re still living etc. here, you have lost the game. THE END.
534118. Wait, why is Alley’s here anyway.
535	You don’t really understand what’s going on here, but you’re just going to go with the flow.
536> Go with the flow. Go to 140.
537119. Ask a nearby local for directions to the dragon’s lair. Go to 119.
538	The nearby local launches into an animated discussion, but you can’t understand his ridiculous accent. He’s says something that sounds like: “Oh-COWBELL-the dragon’s lair-COWBELL? It’s right over-COWBELL-there, over by Laird Johnson’s-COWBELL-manor, take the path-COWBELL-closest to-COWBELL-the-COWBELL-edge of-COWBELL-Barnaby’s Cliff. Watch out for the-COWBELL-cross-price elasticities.”
539	You mull over the local’s worlds and determine, with your superior intellect, that he wants you to go into that cave over there. You thank him, throw a stick of gum in his direction, and move on.
540>Enter that cave over there. Go to 141.
541120. Go to the Elsewhere Tourist Information Center.
542	You hike over the deserted, windswept moors of Elsewhere for several hours. The Tourist Information Center’s position on your map shifts constantly, kind of like Latios or Latias in an old Pokemon game. Eventually, night falls in a torrential downpour. You get the impression that the plot line is trolling you.
543>Spend night in creepy old manor. Go to 143.
544>Stay outside/take chances with pneumonia. Go to 144.
545121. Reminisce about the ‘60s.
546	You enter into a series of groovy flashbacks. You lose yourself entirely in the dream world, but it doesn’t take that long, because the sixties only lasted four years. At least that’s all you can remember of them. Time to move on.
547>Spend night in creepy old manor. Go to 143.
548>Enter churchyard. Go to 145.
549122. Use legit magic.
550	You activate your magic runic symbol stomach tattoo things once again... and summon another cow, because that’s the only spell that you know. This time, however, there are two magical elves perched on the back of the glorious bovine. You rush up to the bars and offer to give the magical elves both cows if they get you out of there. Though you can’t understand Elvish, you gather from their expressions that that simply isn’t going to cut it. Desperate, you offer to give them your first-born child in addition to the cows. 
551>The elves consider your offer. Go to 146.
552>Look out the window. Go to 123.
553123. Ride the cow around some more/look out the window.
554	You finish your previous activity, and take a look out the window. A guy is standing in the courtyard below, looking up at you. You immediately start waving and shout “Help.” The asshole looks at you for a moment before walking away. Now what?
555>If you came here from 122, let the elves reconsider your offer. Go to 146.
556>Urinate out the window derisively. Go to 147.
557>Convince yourself that the elves are there. Go to 122.
558124. Ask what the occasion is.
559	The crowd of Trolls/Brazilians is making far too much noise in their revelry, and you have no opportunity to ask anything of your hosts until they have carried you and Team Spork overhead for about ten minutes. 
560	“The occasion?” says a “Brazilian” that came from a land with four goats. “Well, it’s not often that we get edible guests!” With that, they drop you and the company into a giant, steaming vat of tomato soup.
561>Die. Just die. (Peacefully in a vat of tomato soup). Go to 21.
562>Compose a scathing review of “Brazilian” cuisine. Go to 148.
563125. DANCE, DANCE, DANCE-DANCE TO THE RADIO!
564	You take a flying leap onto the forest/dance floor and tear it up like corporate invoices shooting through an industrial-strength paper shredder. Within minutes, the entire “Brazilian” encampment is in flames. Your work here is done.
565>Make like Paul Ryan and get the hell out of here. Go to 82.
566>Offer to help rebuild the encampment. Go to 149.
567126. Consume several adult beverages.
568	By “several”, you mean “fifty-six”. After the fifty-fourth drink, you contract super-alcohol poisoning on the spot. Unfortunately, this form of the disease is not fatal; it just replaces your lifeblood with vodka. So you’re basically a Russian now. Welcome to the club, comrade.
569>Say “Na Zdarovie!” and pass out. Go to 150.
570>Make “In Soviet Russia...” joke. Go to 151.
571>Blast the Soviet Anthem on loudspeakers. Go to 152.
572127.  Crawl to the side of a fallen comrade.
573	“Master,” groans the soldier. “Sheamus ate my corpse.”
574	“Oh, the humanity!” you wail, following the proper cliche, and order a tactical withdrawal. Team Spoon shall pay for this in the future!
575	>Months later: Launch covert assault on Team Spoon HQ. Go to 153.
576>Take a moment to compare yourself to George Armstrong Custer. Go to 154.
577128. Scream like a banshee, shit yourself, and charge back into battle.
578	You should probably read up on the precedent of Miranda v. the State of Arizona before you take a drastic step like this. Constant vigilance.
579>Use precedent of Miranda v. the State of Arizona. Go to 80.
580129. Allow yourself to be carried before the ancient homicidal king.
581	The king stares down upon you dejectedly. “So,” he says, “the people want you to take my place as rightful ruler- and you think I will stand for this treachery!?”
582	“Uhhh,” you say, as the crowd around you looks angry.
583	“Well,” continues the king, “I will stand for this treachery, because, let’s be honest; we have a constitutional monarchy, and this entire nation is shit anyway. If I have to kiss one more goddamn baby or wave with the back of my hand one more time, I’ll off myself.”
584	You and the crowd stare at him blankly.
585	“Besides,” he says, “I’m on the verge of reviving my career as a British one-hit wonder!” Then he bursts into song:
586Never gonna give you up,
587Never gonna let you down,
588Never gonna run around,
589And desert you
590	With that, he rides off into the sunset. Your portrait is added to the royal gallery above that of your predecessor, one His Majesty Richard Paul Astley. It’s good to be king!
591Several Months Later
592	Parliament has decided to behead you for not kissing enough babies, which is really ironic when you think about, especially since you weren’t aware there even was a parliament.
593THE END.
594130. Walk up and shake Phil’s hand.
595	You put on your best smile and walk towards the banker. He stands up and, before you can react, shoots you in the forehead. THE END.
596131. Say something about the weather lately.
597	Phil looks at you like you’re the rotting lower half of a disemboweled monkey and shoots you in both kneecaps. THE END.
598132. Get the hell out of there.
599	You edge toward the door subtly... before breaking into a sprint and getting gunned down by the banker before you get into the hallway. THE END.
600133. Take the derivative of his desk.
601	You get out your measuring tools and assign a value of h to the desk. Therefore, the desk is a constant with a derivative of zero. Phil thinks this is very interesting, and stabs you forty-six times. THE END.
602134. Tell him you like his tie.
603	He isn’t wearing a tie. Oh shit. The banker thanks you by incinerating your face with a flamethrower. THE END.
604135. Futilely try to appease plot gods.
605	NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE. THE END.
606136. Lip synch a Bloodhound Gang song.
607	You probably know what happens here. THE END.
608137. Try to sell him spray paint.
609	The man is uninterested, and in a fit of rage, you charge him down. Too late, you realize that the random guy is actually Alternative Universe Mr. Brown.
610>Get your ass kicked into the gutter. Go to 116.
611138. Threaten the tanner, Happy Gilmore-style.
612	“Dude,” you say, “I eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast.”
613>Ride off into the sunset. Go to 155.
614>Be the tanner. Go to 156.
615139. Be Alternative Universe Mr. Brown.
616	You are now Alternative Universe Mr. Brown, congratulations. You are also the proud owner of a set of Bodacity Armor 8+, though you really don’t even know what it does. No one knows what it does, but it’s still a thing. Anyway, you sense that your services are required elsewhere. Tally ho!
617>Take flying leap into other plotline. Go to 157.
618>Take flying leap into other other plotline. Go to 158.
619140. Go with the flow.
620	You go with the flow, and it takes you thousands of miles out to sea, where you are sucked into a whirlpool and into Homer’s Odyssey. THE END. SORT OF.
621141. Enter that cave over there.
622	You are pretty confident in your knowledge of the Caves of Elsewhere. Besides, a dragon should be really easy to find, even in pitch-darkness. Four hours and eight slippery bats leaping down your throat later, you curse yourself for your stupidity. It’s time to whip out the Magic Conch.
623>Ask the Magic Conch what you should do. Go to 159.
624>Grind up the Magic Conch into a powder, choke it down for sustenance. Go to 160.
625142. Roll a nine-thousand sided die.
626	You roll the die with great gusto. If you have ever seen a polygon with more than like thirty sides, you know that the shape, even if it’s 3-D, is pretty much indistinguishable from a circle. So you really have no idea what the die even landed on. You’re just going to pretend to assume that it landed on forty-one, because, well, forty-one.
627>Go down path forty-one. Go to 161.
628143. Spend night in creepy old manor.
629	You knock on the door of a conveniently located creepy old Elsewhereian manor. An ancient and near unintelligible servant opens the door and lets you in after giving you a lecture. You’re not entirely sure, but you think the lecture had something to do with “DA LAWD”.  Perhaps you will meet this so-called “DA LAWD” later, or in another plotline. Only time- and future plot events will tell!
630>Follow ancient servant to an unused bedroom. Go to 162.
631>Ask to meet the master of the house. Go to 163.
632144. Stay outside/take your chances with pneumonia.
633	You already contracted pneumonia in an alternate plot line, and the disease mercifully leaves you alone. You sleep soundly until about three A.M., when you are promptly eaten by a pack of wolves. THE END.
634145. Enter the churchyard.
635	You enter the dark, creepy churchyard, probably to look for an excuse to leave Elsewhere. You find several pretty fast. First of all, the three ancient 1850’s graves in the corner suggest that you are actually in an Emily Bronte novel. Dying of tuberculosis isn’t very high on your to-do-list. In fact, at #74, it is actually behind “die of the plague” (#54) and “slap Joe Biden’s mom” (#13). Finally, the churchyard is absolutely infested with zombies. These aren’t the normal kind of herpaderp working-class zombie- these zombies are extremely fast and strong, and are reportedly able to do math at an eleventh grade level. Ominously, they are all wearing Richard Nixon masks.
636>Set off back to the Realm on I-80, pursued by zombies. Go to 164.
637>Chat up the zombies. Go to 165.
638146. The elves consider your offer.
639	The elves have no idea just why they would want your first-born child, but they agree anyway. They teleport you and the cow to their house in a distant elven forest. You pull out your lute to sing an ode of thanks, prompting the elves and the cow to retreat into the house and barricade you out. Haters gonna hate. You sit down on the stump, and begin to get a sickening feeling that a major plot/conflict event is about to occur.
640>Major plot/conflict event occurs. Go to 166.
641147. Urinate out the window derisively. 
642	You unleash a golden rain upon the ground below through your window... directly into the eyes of the guy you saw earlier, who had returned with a ladder. He promptly falls off the ladder and hits the ground with a sickening splat. Oops.
643>Be the other guy. Go to 167.
644 148. Compose a scathing review of “Brazilian” cuisine.
645	You knock out a vicious and eloquent review of the “Brazilian” gourmet food establishment. Your review is such a fine display of food critic virtuosity that the sobbing “Brazilians” unanimously elect you as their leader. Unfortunately, that does not stop them from eating you. THE END.
646149. Offer to help rebuild the encampment.
647	“Don’t worry,” says the “Brazilian” leader, “this place is insured for a lot more than it’s worth. By the way, shouldn’t you be infiltrating the secret headquarters of your arch-enemies, the evil Team Spoon?”
648	“Oh yeah, I kinda forgot that exists in this plot line.”
649	“It doesn’t,” says the “Brazilian” leader, “but it should.”
650>Months later: Launch covert assault on Team Spoon HQ. Go to 153.
651150. Say “Na Zdarovie!” and pass out.
652	You do that with great gusto and hit the ground like a sack of salmon heads dropped from the Chrysler Building. An indeterminate amount of time later, you come to in a South Floridian alley with several highly personal Pokemon tattoos. What next?
653>Try not to get shot. Go to 168.
654>Dispute violent stereotypes. Go to 169.
655>Show up on Dave Barry’s doorstep. Go to 170.
656151. Make “In Soviet Russia” joke.
657	“In Soviet Russia,” you say, “out passes you!” Then you lose consciousness. Several angry actual Russians dismember you with machetes in your sleep. THE END
658152. Blast the Soviet Anthem on loudspeakers.
659	As the glorious chorus reaches your ears for the third time, you realize that you are actually in Skyrim. You are somewhat disoriented by the sudden shift of settings, but realize that it will probably be much easier to slay some dragons this way.
660>Shift to first person out of nowhere. Go to 171.
661153. Months Later: Launch covert assault on Team Spoon HQ.
662You jump randomly to third person, because that’s how I want to write this section. This is probably my favorite part, if that helps you understand my reasoning or whatever.
663	Ronald Hood enters the dark antechamber, his crossbow ready. He activates his magical Ventrilo helmet to check that his allies are in position. Noir, Snerf, and Badger are ready to go. Alternative Universe Mr. Brown isn’t reporting back in, but that’s probably because he forgot to put his headset on. Well, three out of four isn’t bad. Hood takes a moment to review the roster of known Team Spoon enemies.
664Name: Horst(1)	Name: Cuomo(2)	Name: Nopemonger(3)	Name: Blanche(4)
665Status: Deceased	Status: Alive		Status: Deceased		Status: Alive
666Name: Darko(5)	Name: Stumpy(6) 	Name: Mr. Giggles(7)		Name: Wootz(8)
667Status: Alive		Status: Alive		Status: Alive			Status: Alive
668Name: Gilbert(9)	Name: Zilph(10)	Name: Buttheart(11)		Name: Wellman(12)
669Status: Undead	Status: Alive		Status: Undead		Status: Very Alive
670	Two out of twelve. Hood had taken care of Horst and Nopemonger almost immediately upon entry, although Nopemonger will probably be alive again sooner or later. Fucking zombies. Cuomo(2) and Blanche(4) are pretty much useless, not much to worry about there. Stumpy(6) is annoying, always invisible and punching people in the groin. Wootz(8) screams like a banshee, but he doesn’t really seem to do anything. You’re not exactly sure what Mr. Giggles(7) and Darko(5) do, but they probably aren’t too dangerous. Giggles sounds like another one of those annoying-ass clowns Team Spoon keeps around for some reason. Gilbert(9) and Buttheart(11) are complete tools, but they are highly dangerous and intelligent complete tools. Team Spork probably didn’t bring enough weaponry to deal with Wellman(12), but he’s a tank so that’s to be expected.
671	Hood closes the roster and takes another look around the room. He is promptly kicked in the balls by an unseen Stumpy(6), who sprints off, giggling. Hood grits his teeth and takes a mace to one of the goddamn goat statues in the room. The leaders of Team Spoon collect these accursed things for reasons that not even they understand. Hood decides to destroy the others and keep a running tally of destroyed goat memorabilia. 6/235 statues destroyed. He leaves the room in search of more statuary/enemies.
672>Noir: Fistfight with Cuomo(2). Go to 172.
673154. Take a moment to compare yourself to George Armstrong Custer.
674	Indeed, one day, the name of Ronald “Legendary” Hood will be synonymous with tactical genius, just like George Armstrong Custer.
675>Charge into Indian village. Go to 173.
676>Cry cathartically. Go to 174.
677155. Ride off into the sunset.
678	You spur your horse on and ride off into the sunset. Unfortunately, you are cooked alive by solar heat and flares before you get within a hundred miles of the sun. Your charred corpse eventually becomes a new dark crater on the surface of the star THE END.
679156. Be the tanner.
680	You are now the tanner. You watch the scrub walk out of your shop and consider making him into a suitcase. It’s perfectly legal, just a little bit of work on your part. Maybe if he comes back. You sell a couple pairs of moccasins and chaps before closing time. You lock up your shop and step out into the night. Now, you can shed this mask!
681>Keep this mask on in case someone’s watching. Go to 175.
682>Shed it like a snake skin. Go to 176.
683157. Take flying leap into other plotline.
684	You use an advanced form of magic unique to Alternative Universe Mr. Brown. No one is entirely sure why it works like that. It just does. 
685>Major plot/conflict event occurs. Go to 166.
686158. Take flying leap into other other plotline.
687	You glance at the other plotline and just barely stop yourself from vomiting. There’s no need to take the disgusting way out of this paper.
688>Set off back to the Realm on I-80, pursued by zombies. Go to 164.
689159. Ask the Magic Conch what you should do.
690	The Magic Conch says that you should create a barbaric hunter-gather jungle society and allegorize Nazism.
691>Warn your people about the Lord of the Flies. Go to 194.
692160. Grind up the Magic Conch into a powder, choke it down for sustenance.
693	You go ahead and do this, although you are not even hungry and can see the exit of the cave four feet away. It tastes pleasantly crunchy, so you guess it wasn’t a total waste.
694>Exit cave to parts unknown. Go to 177
695161. Go down path forty-one. 
696	You arbitrarily choose a path and pretend it’s the forty-first one. You really need to work on the whole systems of counting thing. Either that, or get a magic conch, or maybe a ouija board. Come to think of it, a ouija board has conveniently appeared on a rock a couple feet to your left. That isn’t creepy or suspicious at all! Really! Ask the ouija board a question.
697>What is the meaning of life? Go to 178.
698>Which path should I take? Go to 179.
699>Do these trousers make me look fat? Go to 180.
700162. Follow ancient servant to unused bedroom.
701	You thank the servant for his hospitality and lay your things down on the dusty four-poster bed. The old buzzard grumbles something about “DA LAWD”, spits, and slams the door in your face. Later that night, you wake up to an awful scratching at the window. Suddenly, you notice that the room is covered in text, written in some janky old cursive. The text consists of one name, written over and over and over again. It looks a lot like this: Catherine Earnshaw Catherine Heathcliff Catherine Heathcliff Catherine Catherine Linton Cathy Earnshaw Cathy Heathcliff Cathy Linton Catherine Cathy Earnshaw Catherine Cathy Heathcliff Catherine Cathy Linton Catherine Catherine Catherine Catherine Catherine CATHY CATHAYYYYY Catherine Heathcliff Cather Heathcliff Heathcliff Linton Heathcliff...
702>Continued. Go to 181.
703>No. Go to 182.
704163. Ask to meet the master of the house.
705	The ancient servant grumbles something about “DA LAWD” and gives you an unintelligible lecture. You get the GIST of his speech, though you have no idea what he’s saying. The GIST is something like: “Just go to the room, fucker.”
706 >Follow ancient servant to unused bedroom. Go to 162.
707164. Set off back to the Realm on I-80, pursued by zombies. 
708	You sprint down the highway as fast as you can, but most of the goddamn zombies were olympic sprinters when they were alive. Your legs begin to give out and the horde of zombies is nearly upon you. This is the end for the Legendary Ronald Hood! Suddenly, Alternative Universe Mr. Brown jumps into this timeline, and into the crowd of zombies, golf clubs blazing. “I’ve got you, son!” 
709>Help Alternative Universe Mr. Brown slay zombie-dragon thing. Go to 183.
710165. Chat up the zombies.
711	“How’s it floatin’, my G’s!?” you say, grinning like a tool.
712	The zombies stare at you with a combination of disbelief and disgust for several seconds. Then they tear you apart and eat your squishy flesh. Swag. THE END.
713166. Major plot event/conflict occurs.
714	You, the bard, sit down on a tree stump outside the elves’ house. Both elves and the cow peer back at you, probably also waiting for a major plot event to occur, which should be happening any second now. Speak of the devil, George Expletive Nelson arrives in the clearing after blasting his way in through a clump of trees. He walks up to you, making an offensive gesture in your direction with his Thompson submachine gun. At the same time, Alternative Universe Mr. Brown appears, falling out of the sky. Unfortunately, he is unable to control his terminal velocity and lands directly on top you, crushing you and the stump into the ground. He looks down at your shattered spine and says, “Easy, peasy, Japanese-y... also, uh, sorry man.” Thus ends the poor bard, finally.
715>Be George Expletive Nelson. Go to 184.
716167. Be the other guy.
717	You are now the other guy- the guy who just got his eyes urinated in and knocked off a ladder. Eventually, you come to in the prison courtyard. You’re not really sure why you were here in the first place, let alone why you tried to help that scrub. You enter a random door on your left. You have entered an empty cell. A cake sits in the middle of the floor. What luck!
718>Take a bite of the cake. Go to 185.
719>Smell a trap. Go to 186.
720168. Try not to get shot.
721	You commando crawl down the busy Miami freeway and do not get shot. Success! Actually, this strategy was mostly successful because you were crushed flat by a semi full of oranges before you had a chance to get shot. THE END.
722169. Dispute violent stereotypes.
723	You loudly proclaim that, in your humble position, these violent South Floridian stereotypes are bullshit. Immediately, several bystanders offer to prove you wrong, or prove you right, using their Kalashnikov AK-47 assault rifles, which they just happen to have on them right now. You back away slowly, and step right into a pet crocodile’s mouth.
724170. Show up on Dave Barry’s doorstep.
725	Dave graciously lets you in, and seems pretty happy to have some company.
726	“I don’t believe it!” he says, “usually guests get drooled to death by my dogs before they get halfway across the yard. Either that, or they get picked off by the sniper on the fourth floor of that house over there. Suddenly, two shots ring out and nail the pair of you in the stomachs. You both share a hearty laugh. “Just business as usual,” he laughs, “whoa, man, are you okay?” You can’t really survive in this environment. THE END.
727171. Shift to first person out of nowhere.
728	You honestly don’t even care about what’s happening, by this point.
729	“When I look at this flier,” said Fred. “I don’t see a flier.”
730	“Well, Fred,” I said, “you have to look at it from an artistic standpoint and...”
731“ARTISTIC STANDPOINT MY ASS!” yelled Fred, who didn’t believe in letting people finish their sentences as long as he had any sort of thought in his head. “THIS THING COULD’VE BEEN SHAT OUT BY A DRUGGED SEAGULL.”
732“Okay,” I said. THE END.
733172. Noir: Fistfight with Cuomo(2).
734Noir pauses for a moment to listen to Hood’s orders. Good, he thought, I’ve always hated those shitty-ass goat statues anyway. He produces a spiked mace and shatters the pile of goat statues on the mantelpiece. 11/235 statues eliminated. Progress! Noir then, following custom belts out South Hypothetica’s national anthem, which consists of the word “progress” shouted repeatedly for seventeen minutes. At the eleventh minute of the anthem, Noir was change octaves due to an invisible assault by Stumpy(6) on his manly area. That little prick. Noir draws his favorite cutlass and charges into the next room, where Cuomo(2) appears and takes a swing at him. The punch nearly knocks Noir out, but he has brought a sword to a fistfight and manages to disembowel Cuomo(2) without much effort. Serves you right. He stomps the couple of goat figurines in the Team Spoon member’s pockets into oblivion (13/235) and proceeds along his route.
735>Snerf: Die. Go to 187.
736173. Charge into Indian village.
737	You charge into the village, guns blazing, where you are informed, politely, by an elder that this is actually a “Native American” village, a unique and fascinating culture that has no connection whatsoever to the Indian subcontinent, thank you very much. Then they surround and kill you. THE END.
738174. Cry cathartically.
739	You break down on the spot, right in the middle of the Baba Yaga house. This pitiful racket moves the chicken-house to stand up on its own accord, and jump off a cliff to silence you. THE END.
740175. Keep this mask on in case someone’s watching.
741	You wisely decide not to reveal your true identity, because they are clearly watching. They are always watching, everywhere, all the time. There is no escape! They hold all of the power, all of the wealth, and all of the codpieces! 
742>Deal with the italicized “they” here and now. Go to 188.
743176. Shed it like a snake skin.
744	Like a snake skin... what an interesting coincidence. You rip your skin off to reveal your true form, the Egyptian serpent/chaos deity Apophis. It’s high time for you to swallow that upstart “sun” and end this pitiful universe. Duty calls! Duty can wait a little bit longer; you have a couple errands to take care of.
745>Attend funeral of acquaintance, the Artist Formerly Known as Iggie Wallz Go to 189.
746>Prank-call the ancient homicidal king. Go to 190.
747177. Exit cave to parts unknown.
748	You exit the cave to a completely unfamiliar landscape. You shrug it off, on the reason that’s there probably a dragon around here somewhere. Eventually, you go through the Lincoln Tunnel, and BOOM, there’s the dragon, right on top of you. It weighs like three goddamn tons and crushes you into a pancake. THE END
749178. What is the meaning of life?
750	The ouija board takes several agonizing minutes to respond. You imagine that there’s a dramatic orchestra scoring this part. Sure enough, you kick through a fake rock in the cave revealing the entire Chicago Philharmonic, which had indeed been playing in the previous few sentences. The conductor flips you off, and the orchestra members shuffle off shamefacedly. Finally, the ouija board speaks! It says “C-O-U-L-D-V-E-H-A-D-A-V-8.” Wow.
751>Futilely try to appease plot gods. Go to 135.
752179. Which path should I take?
753	“F-O-R-T-Y-O-N-E-,-B-E-C-A-U-S-E-R-E-A-S-O-N-S.” That makes sense.
754>Go down path forty-one. Go to 161.
755180. Do these trousers make me look fat?
756	“Y-E-S,” says the ouija board. Angry, you shake the board repeatedly, causing it to answer again. “Y-E-S-M-O-T-H-E-R-F-U...” you slam the board against the wall, and the demonic spirit inside it breaks free and rips your soul out. Your soul is used as dental floss for various monsters for all eternity. Good job. THE END.
757181. Continued.
758	Catherine Earnshaw Catherine Heathcliff Catherine Linton Catherine Catherine Catherine Catherine Me Me Me Me Catherine Catherine Catherine Cathy Cathy Cathy Me Me Me Catherine Cathy Catherine Catherine. Sweet baby Jesus. Someone had quite the case of narcissism. You resolve to ask the ancient servant about it, and get up off the bed. For some reason, the ancient unintelligible servant is under your bed, reading a bible and eating a moonpie. He agrees to stop talking in his ridiculous accent long enough to tell you the story of Bluthering Heights at knifepoint. The servant sighs and begins his tale:
759	“Long ago, in this very house, our mistress Catherine was in love with two men, a gypsy named Heathcliff and the honorable Mr. Edgar Linton. It would have degraded her to marry a poor wretch like Heathcliff, and besides; Linton was richer than God. God’s investment portfolio has been tanking like Wellman(12) all quarter... but still, that’s a lot of cash. So, Cathy decided to marry the poor sap for his money, which greatly angered Heathcliff. One night, Heathcliff came across the newlyweds outside Bluthering Heights on these very moors. They say it was a night much like tonight. Cathy and Edgar were absolutely wasted, and there was a burning hatred in Heathcliff’s heart and a wickedness in his mind, and he proceeded to... engage in the first of several scratching contests with his acquaintances. That’s probably what you heard, in fact, they’re coming back inside for cocoa right now.”
760>Stick around and meet these wonderful people. Go to 191.
761>Futilely try to appease plot gods. Go to 135.
762>Cut off the servant’s gonads and use them as hostages. Go to 21.
763182. No.
764	You are putting up with shit no longer! You draw your trusted black Sharpie and begin to express your own fascinating thoughts over the inscriptions. It looks a lot like this: NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NO NOPE NOPE NOPE NO FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, NO HELL NO NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NO I WILL NOT USE PUNCTUATION NO NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NO NO NO LOL NO NO NO NO SWEET GOD NO NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NO NO NO NOPE. NO. NO. NO. NOPE. NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE. NO. NO I WILL NOT NOT USE PUNCTUATION NOW. SERIOUSLY, NO. NO. NO. JUST NO. NEVER. NO. NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE. NOPE.AVI. NOPE.JPG. NOPE.COM NOPE. LOL NO. NO NO NO NO NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE FUCK NO NO NO NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NO NO. NOPE, NOPE. NO NO NO NOPE NOPE NOPE. NOPE NOPE NOPE. NOP- You die of arm cramps three fourths of the way into that nope there. You have died for the cause. THE END.
765183. Help Alternative Universe Mr. Brown slay zombie-dragon thing.
766	You have no idea what the zombie-dragon thing is, or why it wasn’t mentioned earlier, but it is a dragon, and it should be slayable! Especially if you have the awesome prowess of Alternative Universe Mr. Brown at your side. Also, you have his intern, a kid named Martha. She also probably is a master of golf-club martial arts. You let loose a blood-curdling Norse war cry and throw yourself at the dragon. Brown and Martha circle around to attack other parts of the zombie-dragon thing. The great beast roars in pain... well, maybe not in pain, as it falls asleep while the three of you keep bashing on it. It seems that giant undead mythical beasts are pretty resistant to even the strongest of melee attacks. Brown releases a magic scroll from his sleeve in an effort to quell the beast (and the other zombies, which have finally caught up to the three of you somehow).
767>Dissolve the dragon into water particles. Go to 192.
768184. Be George Expletive Nelson.
769	You are now George Expletive Nelson. Lightning shoots from your fingers like excrement shooting from a laxatized goose! You stare down your new opponent, Alternative Universe Mr. Brown, and realize that you have, at last, found a worthy adversary. Brown stares back at you unblinking, covered in pieces of the bard’s innards. The elves and cow watch from the window, waiting for the next major plot event/conflict.
770	“SO, ALTERNATIVE UNIVERSE MR. BROWN,” you say, “WE MEET AGAIN!”
771	“George Expletive Nelson!” says Brown, “... I’m sorry, I’ve honestly never even heard of you.”
772	“WHAT!? WHAT!?” you yell, “I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT, IN ADDITION TO BEING A KICKASS RECURRING CHARACTER, I ALSO HAPPEN TO BE YOUR FATHER’S AUNT’S COUSIN’S BROTHER’S GIRLFRIEND’S UNCLE’S COUSIN’S MAILMAN’S DOG’S FAVORITE CHEW TOY’S MOTHER’S EIGHT-TIMES REMOVED THIRD COUSIN’S AUNT’S FORMER ROOMMATE’S GREENGROCER!”
773	“Lies! All lies!” laughs Brown, “I know for a fact that you are actually my father’s aunt’s cousin’s brother’s girlfriend’s uncle’s cousin’s mailman’s dog’s favorite chew toy’s mother’s nine-times removed fourth cousin’s aunt’s former roommate’s greengrocer!”
774	Lies. Your entire life up to this point has been a lie. You eventually muster up the rage to splutter “THOSE ARE FIGHTIN WORDS, WIZARD! HAVE AT THEE!” You begin a magical duel with Brown.
775	“One two three four, let’s have a thumb war!” you both yell. A vortex of magical energy swirls around the struggling, interlocked thumbs. The thumbs seem to be of equal strength and cores made from the feathers of the same phoenix. You infer this without any real knowledge of thumblore, as the thumbsare regurgitating past spells cast by both of you. A phantom image of the summoned cow and the south wall of a Fareway float past in the dimensional rift ripped into existence by Alternative Brown’s presence.
776	“I’M POINTING MY THUMBS AS HARD AS I CAN!” you laugh insanely.
777	“Well,” says Brown, “I think I win- WHAM, BAM, THANK YOU MA’AM!”
778	“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” you scream, realizing what your opponent has done. “YOU FOOL!” Then, the very fabric of the entire universe outside the elves’ house folds in on itself so many times that scientists are “pretty sure” that our universe is “a beautiful paper crane.”
779Be the cow. Go to 193.
780185. Take a bite of the cake.
781	Really? Really!? Have you read this story at all? Do you honestly think that there’s any cake at all anywhere in this monstrosity? What a moron. Ha ha ha. Well, actually, there is a cake; it’s just in one of the other plot lines. You’re so close, and yet farther away than a skin mite on a mountain in Alpha Centauri. I’ll let you off easy and allow you to kick the king in the balls, or try to take a bite of the cake anyway.
782>Kick the king in the balls. Go to 4
783>Take a bite of the cake anyway. Go to 21.
784186. Smell a trap.
785	You take a deep noseful of the air around you. … Holy balls, does it stink; but it smells like B.O., not a trap. You are so moved by the stench that you cough and spray some Febreeze that the guards gave you on your first day in the dungeon. Suddenly, a guy that you didn’t see when you entered the room, as he was taking a nap in the latrine, jumps up and shoves his face about two inches from your own.
786	“WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST FUCKING SAY TO ME, YOU LITTLE FUCK!?” he roars. “I GRADUATED TOP OF MY CLASS FROM THE UNITED STATES NAVAL ACADEMY, AND YOU FUCKING SAY THAT TO ME!? I COULD KILL YOUR WORTHLESS ASS OVER A HUNDRED WAYS WITH MY BARE HANDS! I HAVE ACCESS TO THE FULL RESOURCES AND ARSENAL OF THE UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT, AND I WILL NOT FUCKING REST UNTIL YOU HAVE FACED RIGHTEOUS JUSTICE, ASSHOLE!” With that, he cuts your heart out with his left shoe. THE END.
787187. Snerf: Die.
788	Snerf is not faring so well. He’s been derping around in this hallway for the past three hours, destroying the numerous goat statues. However, they seem to have a “Hydra-curse” on them that generates three new goat statues for each one he destroys. Also, Stumpy(6) has kicked him in the balls like forty times now. Three hours later, the entire hallway is filled with fucking goat statues and Snerf can sense Stumpy(6) coming in for another low-blow. This is bullshit! Snerf thinks, and then he realizes what he must do. As Stumpy(6) goes for his gonads, Snerf flexes and shouts: “KA-ME-HA-ME-HA!” The entire hallway explodes in an explosion of fire, destroying Snerf, Stumpy(6), Badger, Darko(5), Gilbert(9), Buttheart(11) and the goat statues. Two for four. Worth it! Said so in all chat! Of course, the goat statues just regenerated anyway, but Snerf died before that thought hit him. RESPECT.
789>Alternative Universe Mr. Brown: Wonder why you’re in this part. Go to 195.
790188. Deal with the italicized “they” here and now.
791	The time has come for action! Well, you’re going to just go back to the preceding paragraph and white-out the theys there. Holy shit. They’re here too... nowhere is safe!
792>Take glorious vengeance on they. Go to 175.
793>Wait, doesn’t this just go in a circle? Go to 196.
794189. Attend funeral of acquaintance, the Artist Formerly Known as Iggie Wallz.
795	You arrive just in time to listen to the bored-looking minister deliver the eulogy of your rap-jam buddy, The Artist Formerly Known as Iggie Wallz.
796	“And thus, my friends, The Artist Formerly Known as Iggie died as he lived; in constant combat with his record label, which ultimately lead to his untimely death from music-industry lawyer overexposure. … We have honored his will’s request that he be buried with his middle fingers sticking out of the ground, as you can see from the grave over there.”
797	You cannot hold back your sobs. “Well, played, The Artist Formerly Known as Iggie, well played!” you wail. Most of the mourners break down along with you. Well, back to business.
798>Prank call the ancient homicidal king. Go to 190.
799>Become Alternative Universe Mrs. Wessels. Go to 21.
800190. Prank call the ancient homicidal king.
801	“Hello, is this King Rick Astley speaking?”
802	“Yes, who is this?”
803	“Wanna know... why my Roger is so jolly?
804>Find out why his Roger is so jolly. Go to 21.
805191. Stick around and meet these wonderful people.
806	The servant has lapsed back into his previous near unintelligible accent, but you get the GIST that he thinks you’re an idiot. Moments later, the owners of the house arrive, and you realize that you are an idiot when they turn out to be vampires that force you into a humiliating Twilight-esque relationship. THE END.
807192. Dissolve the dragon into water particles.
808	Unfortunately, there are apparently no water particles at all in the zombie-dragon thing, and Brown’s spell simply transfigures the monstrosity into a white ferret. The zombie-dragon (a.k.a. ferret) wakes up with a terrified squawk and sucks out your soul with one of the numerous tentacles sprouting from its tongue. Goddamn radiation. THE END.
809193. Be the cow.
810	You are now the runic byproduct cow. Congratulations. The elves are busy scheming about ways to rob humans of their firstborns for reasons that even they do not understand. They’re pretty boring, and you’re starting to get really hungry. You go upstairs, in search of a bed to sleep in after you finish eating some kid’s porridge. Unfortunately, all of the beds are made for elves. You break them all with your massive bovine carcass. Oops. Under the last bed, there seems to be a cake. Hmmmmmm.
811>Enjoy Delicious Cake. Go to 197.
812194. Warn your people about the Lord of the Flies.
813	Your people don’t seem to be particularly worried about the Lord of the Flies. Fools. You always get the shittiest proletariats. Suddenly, a bunch of British kids burst into the room and stone you to death. As the world goes black, you guess that this is probably ironic or something. THE END.
814195. Alternative Universe Mr. Brown: Wonder why you’re in this part.
815	“Hey, boss” says Brown into the walky-talky, “remind me why this plot line is still going on?”
816	Hood strokes the beard that he has finally grown. “We probably should have gone down I-80 or beat the shit out of the tanner or something.”
817	“We coulda been somebody.” THE END.
818196. Wait, doesn’t this go in a circle?
819	Yes.
820>Be the bard. Go to 1.
821>Be the other guy. Go to 14.
822>Be Schaeffer. Go to 21.
823>Read the opening paragraph for no reason. Go to 0.
824>Do not pass go.
825>Do not collect 200 goats.
826>Do not just jump to 197. Seriously.
827197. Enjoy Delicious Cake
828	Against all odds, you are alive at this part, though you are a flatulent, magical bovine. Oh well, good job. Really. YOU WIN.
829198. Green light indicates that this paragraph is closed.
830	There’s no way you could ever get to 198. I just kind of wanted to have 200 paragraphs. Sorry!
831199. Herp.
832	See the title.
833>Derp. Go to 200.
834200. Derp.
835	Take a gander at this here title.
836>Herp. Go to 199.