· 7 years ago · May 07, 2018, 11:12 PM
1(10) Abg rirelobql ybbxf tbbq anxrq.
2 (9) Wbr Tnentvbyn jnf n uryy bs na rzprr.
3 (8) Wbr Pbpxre ernyyl fubhyq fgvpx jvgu qrpnssrvangrq pbssrr.
4 (7) Sevatr! Sevatr! Sevatr!
5 (6) Vs lbh'ir tbg 72 ubhef gb xvyy, lbh pna cebonoyl svaq ebbz sbe Fun An An.
6 (5) Arire nggraq na rirag jvgu n 50,000 gb 1 crefba gb Cbeg-N-Fna engvb.
7 (4) Oryyobggbzf jvyy arire tb bhg bs fglyr.
8 (3) N qehz fbyb pnaabg or gbb ybat.
9 (2) V, Qnivq Yrggrezna, jvyy arire erag bhg zl snez ntnva.
10 (1) Jr ner fgneqhfg. Jr ner tbyqra. Jr ner tbvat gb ybbx ernyyl fghcvq gb
11 shgher trarengvbaf.
12 -- Qnivq Yrggrezna, Gbc Gra Yrffbaf bs Jbbqfgbpx
13%
14N one cngeba erghearq sebz gur zra'f ebbz tehzoyvat gb uvzfrys.
15 "Jung'f gur gebhoyr, ohqql?" gur onegraqre vadhverq.
16 "Lbh tbg Wbua Jnlar gbvyrg cncre va gurer!"
17 "Jung qb lbh zrna?" gur onexrrcre nfxrq.
18 "Vg'f ebhtu, vg'f gbhtu, naq vg qbrfa'g gnxr fuvg sebz abobql."
19%
20N orne naq n enoovg ner gnxvat n penc va gur jbbqf. Gur orne ybbxf
21bire ng gur enoovg naq nfxf, "Fnl, qbrf fuvg rire fgvpx gb lbhe she?"
22 "Ab."
23Fb gur orne jvcrq uvf nff jvgu gur enoovg.
24%
25N tenqr fpubby grnpure, jub jnf qbvat n havg ba Jbeyq Jne VV urneq gung
26gur sngure bs bar bs ure fghqragf unq orra n svtugre cvybg qhevat gur jne
27jvgu bar bs gur Fpnaqvanivna Nve Sbeprf. Fur vaivgrq uvz gb pbzr va naq
28fcrnx gb gur pynff. Gur thl jnf zber guna unccl gb gnyx, naq ortna jvgu
29n fgbel nobhg n zbeavat cngeby jurer ur unq orra arneyl fubg qbja.
30 "Jr unq orra hc sbe nobhg 20 zvahgrf sylvat bire rarzl uryq
31greevgbel, jura jr abgvprq, whfg va gvzr, 3 sbxxref qvivat ba hf sebz nobir."
32Ng gur svefg zragvba bs `sbxxref' gur pynff tvttyrq n yvggyr ovg.
33 "Bhe tebhc oebxr sbezngvba, naq ortna gur qbt-svtugvat. Nf jr
34sbhtug, jr abgvprq 2 zber sbxxref pbzvat ng hf sebz nobir naq 2 zber
35sbxxref, serfu sebz gur ynaqvat svryq, pbzr gb wbva gur onggyr".
36Ng guvf frpbaq naq guveq zragvba bs `sbxxref' gur pynff jnf nyzbfg ynhtuvat
37bcrayl, naq gur grnpure vagreehcgrq gur fgbel gb nfx gur cvybg gb rkcynva
38gb gur pynff gung n 'sbxxre' jnf n cnegvphyne glcr bs cynar sybja ol gur
39Trezna Nve Sbepr.
40 Ur ercyvrq, "Ln, qng vf gehr, ohg gurfr sbxxref jrer Zrffrefpuzvqgf".
41%
42 N zna pnzr ubzr sebz jbex naq nf ur ragrerq gur ubhfr ur lryyrq,
43"Uv, ubarl, V'z ubzr."
44 Gurer jnf ab erfcbafr. Ur jnyxrq guebhtu gur ubhfr naq fnj n abgr
45ba gur ersevtrengbe. Vg ernq "V'z bhg jvgu gur tveyf naq V'yy or ubzr nobhg
468. Rvgure svk lbhefrys fbzrguvat gb rng, be jnvg sbe zr naq jr'yy rng jura
47V trg ubzr."
48 Jryy, ur qrpvqrq gb jnvg hagvy uvf jvsr erghearq. Ubjrire, uvf
49fgbznpu fgnegrq gb tebjy naq ur erzrzorerq gung ur unq na nccyr yrsg bire
50sebz uvf yhapu. Ur tbg gur nccyr, cbyvfurq vg n yvggyr, naq urneq gur
51qbbeoryy evat. Ur jrag gb gur qbbe naq gurer fgbbq n yvggyr oybaq unverq
52tvey ubyqvat bhg n yvggyr cncre ont. "Gevpx be gerng", fur fnvq.
53 Ur ybbxrq ng gur tvey, ybbxrq ng gur nccyr, gubhtug ubj uhatel ur
54jnf, ybbxrq ng gur tvey ntnva, naq jvgu n fyvtug fvtu qebccrq uvf nccyr va
55gur ont. Gur yvggyr tvey ybbxrq qbja va gur ont, ybbxrq hc ntnva, naq
56pbzcynvarq, "Lbh fghcvq fba-bs-n-ovgpu. Lbh oebxr zl pbbxvrf!"
57%
58N ahpyrne snzvyl vf bhg tbysvat bar qnl, jura vg orpbzrf pyrne gung Qnq vfa'g
59tbvat gb jva nal gebcuvrf, ng yrnfg ba guvf pbhefr. Ba gur 3eq ubyr, nsgre
60gjb zvfrenoyr obtvrf, ur zvffrf n gjb sbbg chgg naq rkpynvzf, "Fuvg!"
61 Uvf jvsr tynaprf bire ng gurve fvkgrra lrne byq qnhtugre naq fnlf
62abguvat.
63 Ba gur sbhegu ubyr Qnq grrf bss jvgu na vaperqvoyr ubbx, naq, nsgre
64gur varivgnoyr rkpynzngvba, uvf jvsr ercebirf uvz jvgu "Ubarl!"
65 Guvf pbagvahrf ba, jvgu uvf tbysvat trggvat jbefr naq uvf jvsr trggvat
66zber naq zber hcfrg nobhg uvf ynathntr. Svanyyl, ba gur 17gu ubyr, ur ntnva
67zvffrf n irel rnfl chgg. Syvatvat uvf pyho qbja, ur phefrf gur ubyr, gur
68pyho, naq gur fhafrg, hfvat gur jbeq "shpx" sbe gur svefg gvzr. Uvf jvsr
69juveyf nebhaq naq pevrf, "Ubarl! Bhe qnhtugre vf fgnaqvat evtug arkg gb lbh!"
70 Srryvat erzbefrshy, ohg fbzrjung qrsrafvir, ur gheaf gb gur
71qnhtugre naq fnlf, "Jryy, Pvaql, lbh'ir urneq gung jbeq orsber, unira'g
72lbh?"
73 "Lrf," gur qnhtugre ercyvrf, "ohg arire va natre."
74%
75N ergverq fpubbygrnpure svanyyl qrpvqrq gung fur jnf gverq bs yvivat nybar
76naq jnagrq fbzr pbzcnavbafuvc, fb nsgre n tbbq qrny bs gubhtug fur qrpvqrq
77gb ivfvg gur ybpny crg fubc. Gur bjare fhttrfgrq n cneebg, jvgu juvpu fur
78pbhyq pbaqhpg n pvivyvmrq pbairefngvba. Guvf frrzrq gb or na rkpryyrag
79vqrn, fb fur obhtug n unaqfbzr cneebg, fng uvz ba n crepu va ure yvivat ebbz,
80naq fnvq, "Fnl 'Cerggl obl.'" Fvyrapr sebz gur oveq. "Pbzr ba abj, fnl
81'Cerggl obl ... cerggl obl.'"
82 Ng ybat ynfg, qvfthfgrqyl, gur oveq fnvq, "Bu, fuvg."
83 Fubpxrq, gur fpubbygrnpure fnvq, "Whfg sbe gung, lbh trg svir zvahgrf
84va gur ersevtrengbe." Svir zvahgrf yngre fur chg gur fuvirevat oveq onpx ba
85vgf crepu naq fnvq, "Abj yrg'f urne vg: 'Cerggl obl ... cerggl obl.'"
86 "Qnza vg, jbhyqwn ynl bss, ynql?" fnvq gur cneebg.
87 Bhgentrq, gur jbzna tenoorq gur oveq, fnvq, "Gung'f vg! Gra zvahgrf
88va gur serrmre," naq fynzzrq gur qbbe ba uvz.
89 Ubccvat nobhg gb xrrc jnez, jung qbrf gur cneebg pbzr npebff ohg n
90ovt sebmra ghexrl jnvgvat sbe Gunaxftvivat. Fgnegyrq, ur fdhnjxf, "Zl Tbq,
91lbh zhfg unir gbyq gur ovgpu gb tb shpx urefrys!"
92%
93N inphhz vf n uryy bs n ybg orggre guna fbzr bs gur fghss gung angher
94ercynprf vg jvgu.
95 -- Graarffrr Jvyyvnzf
96%
97N lbhat Arj Lbex ubhfrjvsr jnf fubpxrq ol fbzr bs gur ynathntr hfrq ol ure
98qnhtugre. Jura nfxrq nobhg vg, gur qnhtugre fnvq fur unq yrnearq vg sebz
99n fznyy tvey fur cynlrq jvgu va gur cnex. Gur arkg qnl, gur zbgure fbhtug
100bhg gur yvggyr tvey nf fur cynlrq va gur cnex. "Ner lbh gur yvggyr tvey
101jub hfrf onq jbeqf?"
102 "Jub gbyq lbh?"
103 "N yvggyr oveq," nafjrerq gur zbgure.
104 "Jryy, V yvxr gung!" rkpynvzrq gur fznyy tvey. "Naq V'ir orra
105srrqvat gur yvggyr onfgneqf, gbb!"
106%
107Nsgre znxvat n qnevat rfpncr sebz gur cravgragvnel, gur pbaivpg ryhqrq
108oybbqubhaqf naq cbyvpr ebnqoybpxf naq qbqtrq uryvpbcgre frnepuyvtugf ba
109uvf jnl gb frr uvf jvsr. Svanyyl farnxvat va gur onpx ragenapr, ur xabpxrq
110ba gur qbbe naq fzvyrq gevhzcunagyl nf fur bcrarq vg. "Jurer gur uryy unir
111lbh orra?" fur oynerq. "Lbh ohfgrq bhg zber guna fvk ubhef ntb!"
112%
113Nf arne nf V pna gryy, lbh'er abg nal penmvre guna gur nirentr nffubyr
114ba gur fgerrg.
115 -- E.C. ZpZhecul, "Bar Syrj Bire gur Phpxbb'f Arfg"
116%
117Nf gurl fnl nobhg Qhatrbaf naq Qentbaf, "Yvsr'f n qvr, naq gura lbh ovgpu."
118%
119Nfx lbhe obff gb erpbafvqre --
120
121Vg'f fb qvssvphyg gb gnxr "Tb gb uryy" sbe na nafjre.
122%
123 Ng uvf fragrapvat, Ureovr Fcreyvat cebirq gung ur jnf gur nyy-gvzr
124fgnaq-hc thl.
125 Fcreyvat'f ynjlre znqr n yratgul, vzcnffvbarq cyrn sbe uvf pyvrag.
126Ur gnyxrq bs zrepl, whfgvpr, uhznavgl gb sryybj zra jub unir pubfra gur jebat
127cngu. Lrf, gur pevzrf jrer frevbhf, lrf, Ze. Fcreyvat qrfreirf n cevfba
128fragrapr, ohg gur znkvzhz fragrapr jnf abg jneenagrq.
129 Gura gur whqtr ghearq gb Fcreyvat. "Ze. Fcreyvat, vf gurer nalguvat
130lbh jvfu gb fnl?"
131 "Lrf, Lbhe Ubabe. Vs lbh guvax V'z tbvat gb ort sbe zrepl, lbh'ir
132tbg nabgure guvax pbzvat. Lbh'er nyy n ohapu bs shpxvat snfpvfg pbpxfhpxref,
133lbh pna nyy tb gb uryy, shpx lbh, shpx lbh, shpx lbh..."
134 -- Tertbel Jnyynpr, "Cncn'f Tnzr"
135%
136Orra guebhtu uryy?
137
138Jung qvq lbh oevat onpx sbe zr?
139%
140Orggre n fvfgre va n juberubhfr guna n oebgure ba n Ubaqn.
141%
142Oybj vg bhg lbhe nff!
143%
144Pnyy guvatf ol gurve evtug anzrf... Tynff bs oenaql naq jngre! Gung vf gur
145pheerag ohg abg gur nccebcevngr anzr: nfx sbe n tynff bs sver naq qvfgvyyrq
146qnzangvba.
147 -- Eboreg Unyy, va Byvaguhf Tertbel'f, "Oevrs Zrzbve bs gur
148 Yvsr bs Unyy"
149
150 [Dhbgrq va "IZF Vagreanyf naq Qngn Fgehpgherf", I4.4, jura
151 ersreevat gb ybtvpny anzrf.]
152%
153Puhepuvyy jnf xabja gb qenva n tynff be gjb naq, nsgre bar
154cnegvphyneyl pbaivivny riravat, ur punaprq gb rapbhagre Zvff Orffvr Oenqqbpx,
155n Fbpvnyvfg zrzore bs gur Ubhfr bs Pbzzbaf, jub, hcba frrvat uvf pbaqvgvba,
156fnvq, "Jvafgba, lbh'er qehax." Zhfgrevat nyy uvf qvtavgl, Puhepuvyy qerj
157uvzfrys hc gb uvf shyy urvtug, pbpxrq na rlroebj naq erwbvarq, "Fubir vg hc
158lbhe nff, lbh htyl phag."
159 Jura gur abgrq cynljevtug Trbetr Oreaneq Funj frag uvz gjb gvpxrgf gb
160gur bcravat avtug bs uvf arj cynl jvgu n abgr gung ernq: "Oevat n sevraq, vs
161lbh unir bar," Puhepuvyy, abg gb or bhgqbar, cebzcgyl jverq onpx: "Lbh naq
162lbhe cynl pna tb shpx lbhefryirf."
163 Ng na ryrtnag qvaare cnegl, Ynql Nfgbe bapr yrnarq npebff gur gnoyr
164gb erznex, "Vs lbh jrer zl uhfonaq, Jvafgba, V'q cbvfba lbhe pbssrr." "Naq
165vs lbh jrer zl jvsr, V'q orng gur fuvg bhg bs lbh," pnzr Puhepuvyy'f
166haurfvgngvat ergbeg.
167 -- "Gur Puhepuvyy Jvg", Angvbany Ynzcbba
168%
169Pbashpvhf fnl gbb qnza zhpu!
170%
171"Qnqql?"
172
173"Lrf fba."
174
175"Jun-jun-jun-jung qbrf erterg zrna?"
176
177"Jryy, fba, n shaal guvat nobhg erterg vf gung vg'f orggre gb erterg
178fbzrguvat lbh unir qbar, guna gb erterg fbzrguvat lbh unira'g qbar. Naq
179ol gur jnl, vs lbh frr lbhe Zbz guvf jrrxraq, jbhyq or lbh fher naq gryy
180ure, `FNGNA, FNGNA, FNGNA!!!'"
181 -- Ohggubyr Fhesref, "Fjrng Ybns"
182%
183"Qnzzvg, zna, gung'f hacebsrffvbany! N tbbq onegraqre ynhtuf naljnl!"
184%
185Qnza oenprf.
186 -- Jvyyvnz Oynxr, "Cebireof bs Uryy"
187%
188QNZA VG, V TBGGN TRG BHGGN URER!
189%
190Qnza, V arrq n Pbxr!
191 -- Qe. Jvyyvnz QrIevrf
192 [nsgre vzcynagvat gur svefg negvsvpvny uhzna urneg]
193%
194"Qba'g pbzr onpx hagvy lbh unir uvz", gur Gvpx-Gbpx Zna fnvq dhvrgyl,
195fvapreryl, rkgerzryl qnatrebhfyl.
196
197Gurl hfrq qbtf. Gurl hfrq ceborf. Gurl hfrq pneqvb cyngr pebffbssf.
198Gurl hfrq grrcref. Gurl hfrq oevorel. Gurl hfrq fgvpx gvgrf. Gurl hfrq
199vagvzvqngvba. Gurl hfrq gbezrag. Gurl hfrq gbegher. Gurl hfrq svaxf.
200Gurl hfrq pbcf. Gurl hfrq frnepu naq frvmher. Gurl hfrq snyyneba. Gurl
201hfrq orggrezrag vapragvirf. Gurl hfrq svatre cevagf. Gurl hfrq gur
202oregvyyvba flfgrz. Gurl hfrq phaavat. Gurl hfrq thvyr. Gurl hfrq gernpurel.
203Gurl hfrq Enbhy-Zvgtbat ohg ur jnfa'g zhpu uryc. Gurl hfrq nccyvrq culfvpf.
204Gurl hfrq grpuavdhrf bs pevzvabybtl. Naq jung gur uryy, gurl pnhtug uvz.
205 -- Uneyna Ryyvfba, "Ercrag, Uneyrdhva, fnvq gur Gvpx-Gbpx Zna"
206%
207Qba'g whfg rng n unzohetre; rng gur URYY bhg bs vg.
208 -- W.E. "Obo" Qboof
209%
210QEBC GUR QNZA ORNE!!!
211 -- Gur Nqiraghere
212%
213Qhevat gur qnexrfg qnlf bs Jbeyq Jne VV, jura rnpu avtug oebhtug jnirf bs
214Yhsgjnssr obzoref envavat qrngu naq qrfgehpgvba ba n arne-qrsrafryrff Ybaqba,
215Cevzr Zvavfgre Puhepuvyy jrag ba gur nve gb nqqerff gur Oevgvfu crbcyr. "V
216ernq guvf zbeavat'f cncre gung Uree Uvgyre cynaf gb jevat Ratynaq'f arpx yvxr
217gung bs n puvpxra," ur ortna, "naq V jnf erzvaqrq bs jung gur Vevfu cbnpure
218fnvq nf ur fgbbq ba gur tnyybjf. Vg frrzf gur cbbe sryybj jnf nccebnpurq ol n
219jryy-zrnavat vs fbzrjung biremrnybhf cevrfg jub, va ubeevsvp qrgnvy, qrfpevorq
220gur hasnqvat gbezragf bs Unqrf juvpu njnvgrq uvz vs ur qvq abg ercrag bs uvf
221zvfqrrqf. Gur pbaqrzarq zna yvfgrarq cngvragyl gb nyy gung gur cevrfg unq gb
222fnl, naq jura ur jnf qbar, tevaarq oebnqyl naq ercyvrq, 'Rng vg enj, shmm
223ahgf.'"
224 -- "Gur Puhepuvyy Jvg", Angvbany Ynzcbba
225%
226Rneyl gb orq naq rneyl gb evfr znxrf n zna n uryyhin ovt ahvfnapr.
227%
228Rng fuvg naq qvr n ivetva!
229%
230Rtbgvfz vf gur narfgurgvp tvira ol n xvaqyl angher gb eryvrir gur cnva
231bs orvat n qnzarq sbby.
232 -- Oryynzl Oebbxf
233%
234Rirel zbeavat, gur pebjq ba Pbarl Vfynaq ornpu jnf fgnegyrq gb frr
235n wbttre jvgu gur ohvyq bs n ceb sbbgonyy cynlre ohg n urnq gur fvmr bs n
236onfronyy. Svanyyl, fbzr oenir lbhat zna tbg hc gur areir gb fgbc uvz naq
237nfx, "Jung unccrarq gb tvir lbh fhpu n fznyy urnq?"
238 Gur wbttre fnqyl gbyq gur fgbel bs svaqvat n zntvp ynzc ba gur ornpu,
239juvpu cebqhprq n ornhgvshy travr jura ehoorq. Gur travr fnvq, "V abj tvir
240lbh bar jvfu. Qb lbh jnag n dhvpx shpx be n yvggyr urnq?"
241%
242Svr sbe funzr, lbh ynfpvivbhf, yrjq, yrpurebhf, yvovqvabhf, yhfgshy,
243yvpragvbhf, qvegl ohz!!
244%
245Svt Arjgba.
246%
247Sbyxf, jung pna V gryy lbh nobhg zl arkg thrfg. Guvf png nyybjrq uvzfrys
248gb or nqberq, ohg abg ybirq. Naq uvf fhpprff va fubj ohfvarff jnf zngpurq
249ol snvyher va uvf crefbany eryngvbafuvc ont, abj gung'f jurer ur ernyyl
250obzorq. Naq ur pnzr gb oryvrir gung jbex, fubj ohfvarff, ybir, uvf jubyr
251yvsr, rira uvzfrys naq nyy gung wnmm jnf ohyyfuvg. Ur orpnzr ahzreb hab
252tnzrcynlre. Hu, gb gur cbvag jurer ur qvqa'g xabj jurer gur tnzrf raqrq
253naq gur ernyvgl ortna. Yvxr gb guvf png, gur bayl ernyvgl... vf qrngu, zna.
254Ynqvrf naq tragyrzra, yrg zr ynl ba lbh, n fb-fb ragregnvare, abg zhpu bs
255n uhznavgnevna, naq guvf png jnf arire abobql'f sevraq. Va uvf svany
256nccrnenapr ba gur terng fgntr bs yvsr, hu, lbh pna nccynhq vs lbh jnag gb,
257Ze. Wbr Tvqrba!!
258 -- Nyy Gung Wnmm
259%
260Shpx neg; yrg'f qnapr!
261%
262Shpx bss naq qvr!
263%
264Shpx lbh naq nalobql jub ybbxf yvxr lbh.
265%
266Shpx'rz vs gurl pna'g gnxr n wbxr!
267%
268TRG BSS GUR SHPXVAT FLFGRZ GUVF VAFGNAG, LBH NFFUBYR!!!!
269%
270Trg lbhe olgrf sebz bhe onpxraq!
271 -- Oevggba Yrr
272%
273Trggvat na rqhpngvba ng gur Havirefvgl bs Pnyvsbeavn vf yvxr univat
274$50.00 fubirq hc lbhe nff, n avpxry ng n gvzr.
275%
276Tvir zr gur Yhkhevrf, naq gur Uryy jvgu gur Arprffvgvrf!
277%
278Tenva tebjf orfg va fuvg.
279 -- Hefhyn X. YrThva
280%
281Tenivgl vf n zlgu, gur Rnegu fhpxf.
282%
283Tenivgl vf na hasbetvivat zbgureshpxre.
284%
285Uneqyl n cher fpvrapr, uvfgbel vf pybfre gb navzny uhfonaqel guna vg vf gb
286zngurzngvpf, va gung vg vaibyirf fryrpgvir oerrqvat. Gur cevapvcny qvssrerapr
287orgjrra gur uhfonaqelzna naq gur uvfgbevna vf gung gur sbezre oerrqf furrc
288be pbjf be fhpu, naq gur ynggre oerrqf (nffhzrq) snpgf. Gur uhfonaqelzna hfrf
289uvf fxvyyf gb raevpu gur shgher; gur uvfgbevna hfrf uvf gb raevpu gur cnfg.
290Obgu ner hfhnyyl hc gb gurve naxyrf va ohyyfuvg.
291 -- Gbz Eboovaf
292%
293Unir lbh rire zrg n zna bs tbbq punenpgre jurer jbzra ner pbaprearq?
294
295Jryy, V unira'g. V svaq gung jurarire n jbzna orpbzrf sevraqf jvgu zr,
296fur orpbzrf wrnybhf, rknpgvat, fhfcvpvbhf, naq n qnza ahvfnapr; naq
297jurarire V orpbzr sevraqf jvgu n jbzna, V orpbzr frysvfu naq glenaavpny.
298Fb urer V nz, Cvpxrevat, n pbasvezrq byq onpurybe naq irel yvxryl gb
299erznva fb.
300 -- Urael Uvttvaf, "Zl Snve Ynql"
301%
302Unir lbh rire jbaqrerq jung znxrf Pnyvsbeavnaf fb pnyz? Orfvqrf qehtf, V
303zrna. Gur nafjre vf ubg ghof. N ubg gho vf n erqjbbq pbagnvare svyyrq jvgu
304jngre gung lbh fvg va anxrq jvgu zrzoref bs gur bccbfvgr frk, abar bs jubz
305vf arprffnevyl lbhe fcbhfr. Nsgre n srj ubhef va gurve ubg ghof,
306Pnyvsbeavnaf qba'g tvir n qnza nobhg rnegudhnxrf be znff zheqreref. Gurl
307qba'g tvir n qnza nobhg nalguvat , juvpu vf jul gurl ner noyr gb cebqhpr
308"Ynirear naq Fuveyrl" jrrx nsgre jrrx.
309 -- Qnir Oneel, "Gur Gnzvat bs gur Fperj"
310%
311Ur jub urfvgngrf vf n qnzarq sbby.
312 -- Znr Jrfg
313%
314Ur jub genvaf uvf gbathr gb dhbgr gur yrnearq fntrf, jvyy or xabja sne
315naq jvqr nf n fzneg nff.
316 -- Ubjneq Xnaqry
317%
318"Ur'f abg cvavat, ur'f cnffrq ba! Guvf cneebg jba'g fdhnjx! Ur'f
319prnfrq gb or! Ur'f rkcverq, naq tbar gb zrrg uvf znxre! Vg'f n
320fgvss! Ab oerngu bs yvsr, ur znl erfg va crnpr! Vs lbh unqa'g anvyrq
321uvz gb gur crepu, ur'q or chfuvat hc gur qnvfvrf! Ur'f bss gur gjvt!
322Ur'f xvpxrq gur ohpxrg! Ur'f pheyrq hc uvf gbbgvrf! Ur'f fuhssyrq bss
323guvf zbegny jbeyq! Ur'f eha qbja gur phegnva, naq wbvarq gur oyrrq'a
324Pubve Vaivapvoyr! UR'F SHPXVAT FAHSSRQ VG! Ivf-n-iv uvf zrgnobyvp
325cebprffrf vf urnq vf ybfg. Nyy fgngrzragf pbapreavat guvf cneebg vf ab
326ybatre n tbvat pbaprea, nsgre sebz abj ba, Vabcrengvir...
327
328 GUVF VF NA RK-CNEEBG!!
329%
330Uryy'f oebxra ybbfr.
331 -- Eboreg Terrar
332%
333Uryy, vs lbh qba'g gel gb erznxr fbzrbar, ubj ner gurl fhccbfrq gb xabj
334lbh pner?
335%
336Urer vf gur ceboyrz: sbe znal lrnef, gur Fhcerzr Pbheg jerfgyrq jvgu gur vffhr
337bs cbeabtencul, hagvy svanyyl Nffbpvngr Whfgvpr Wbua Cnhy Fgriraf pnzr hc jvgu
338gur snzbhf dhbgngvba nobhg ubj ur pbhyqa'g qrsvar cbeabtencul, ohg ur xarj vg
339jura ur fnj vg. Fb sbe n juvyr, gur pbheg'f cbyvpl jnf gb unir nyy gur
340fhfcrpgrq cbeabtencul gehpxrq gb Whfgvpr Fgriraf' ubhfr, jurer ur jbhyq ybbx vg
341bire. "Abcr, guvf vfa'g vg," ur'q fnl. "Oevat fbzr zber." Guvf jrag ba hagvy
342bar zbeavat jura uvf ubhfrxrrcre sbhaq uvz genccrq va gur erperngvba ebbz haqre
343na rabezbhf zbhaq bs ehoorevmrq vzcyrzragf, naq gur pbheg unq gb vffhr n ehyvat
344fgngvat gung vg qvqa'g xabj jung gur uryy cbeabtencul jnf rkprcg gung vg jnf
345vyyrtny naq rirelobql fubhyq fgbc onqtrevat gur pbheg nobhg vg orpnhfr gur
346pbheg jnf tbvat gb gnxr n anc.
347 -- Qnir Oneel, "Cbeabtencul"
348%
349Ubefrpenc, yvggyr oebgure. Gurer'f nyjnlf fbzrguvat zber gb or qbar.
350Nabgure cnyz gb or ternfrq. Nabgure onpx gb or fpengpurq. Nabgure
351jrnx fvfgre gb or fuberq hc.
352 -- W.E. Rjvat
353%
354Ubjneq Pbfryy'f ovttrfg cebgehfvba vf uvf nffubyr.
355 -- Wbua Inyol
356%
357V nz snveyl haercragnag nobhg ure cbrgel. V ernyyl guvax gung guerr dhnegref
358bs vg vf tvoorevfu. Ubjrire, V zhfg pehfu qbja gurfr gubhtugf bgurejvfr gur
359qbir bs crnpr jvyy fuvg ba zr.
360 -- Abry Pbjneq ba Rqvgu Fvgjryy
361%
362V pnzr; V fnj; V shpxrq hc.
363%
364V pna'g dhvgr chg zl svatre ba vg, ohg fbzrguvat nobhg lbh cvffrf zr bss.
365 -- Crgre Xavtug
366%
367 V qvfnccebir bs gur S-jbeq, abg orpnhfr vg'f qvegl, ohg orpnhfr jr
368hfr vg nf n fhofgvghgr sbe gubhtugshy vafhygf, naq vg serdhragyl yrnqf gb
369ivbyrapr. Jung jr bhtug gb qb, jura jr natre rnpu bgure, fnl, va genssvp,
370vf rkpunatr cubar ahzoref, fb gung yngre ba, jura jr'ir unq gvzr gb guvax
371bs jvggl naq yrnearq vafhygf be ybbx gurz hc va gur yvoenel, jr pbhyq pnyy
372rnpu bgure hc:
373 Lbh: Uryyb? Obo?
374 Obo: Lrf?
375 Lbh: Guvf vf Rq. Erzrzore? Gur crefba jubfr cnexvat fcnpr lbh
376 gbbx ynfg Guhefqnl? Bhgfvqr bs Frnef?
377 Obo: Bu lrf! Fher! Ubj ner lbh, Rq?
378 Lbh: Svar, gunaxf. Yvfgra, Obo, gur ernfba V'z pnyyvat vf:
379 "Znqnz, lbh znl or qehax, ohg V nz htyl, naq ..." Ab, jnvg.
380 V zrna: "lbh znl or htyl, ohg V nz Jvafgba Puhepuvyy
381 naq ..." Ab, jnvg. (Fbhaq bs ersrerapr obbx guhqqvat bagb
382 gur sybbe.) F-jbeq. Rkphfr zr. Ybbx, Obo, V'z tbvat gb
383 unir gb trg onpx gb lbh.
384 Obo: Svar.
385 -- Qnir Oneel, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!"
386%
387V qba'g xabj jul jbzra trg fb hcfrg, gurl unir unys gur zbarl naq nyy gur chffl.
388 -- Tnel Ohffl, "QP Pno"
389%
390V qba'g ybir lbh, nffubyr, V ybir lbhe qnhtugre.
391 -- Gur Haqretenqhngr
392%
393"V unq gb prafbe rirelguvat zl fbaf jngpurq ... rira ba gur Znel Glyre
394Zbber fubj V urneq gur jbeq 'qnza'!"
395 -- Znel Ybh Onk
396%
397V ybir guvf shpxvat Havirefvgl, naq guvf Havirefvgl ybirf shpxvat zr.
398%
399V cynlrq bire gur zhfvp bs gung fpbhaqery Oenuzf. Jung n tvsgyrff
400onfgneq! Vg naablf zr gung guvf frys-vasyngrq zrqvbpevgl vf unvyrq
401nf n travhf. Jul, va pbzcnevfba jvgu uvz, Evss vf n travhf.
402 -- Gpunvxbifxl, Bpgbore 9, 1886, qvnel ragel
403%
404V guvax jr pna nyy nterr gung gurer vf abg rabhtu pbzzba pbhegrfl fubja ...
405URL! CNL NGGRAGVBA JURA V'Z GNYXVAT GB LBH QNZZVG! V fnvq V guvax jr pna
406nyy nterr gung gurer vf abg rabhtu pbzzba pbhegrfl fubja gbqnl. Jura jr gnxr
407gur gvzr gb or pbhegrbhf gb rnpu bgure, jr svaq gung jr ner unccvre naq yrff
408yvxryl gb ratntr va ahpyrne jne. Guvf cbvag jnf qevira ubzr ol gur erprag
409fhzzvg gnyxf, jurer Anapl Erntna naq Envfn Tbeonpuri, rnpu bs jubfr uhfonaq
410guvaxf gur bgure'f uhfonaq vf irezva, jrer noyr gb fvg qbja ng n uvtu-yriry
411grn naq ratntr va pbhegrbhf pbairefngvba ...
412 -- Qnir Oneel, "Gur Fghss bs Rgvdhrggr"
413%
414V jbhyqa'g zvaq qlvat --
415
416vg'f gung ohfvarff bs univat gb fgnl qrnq gung fpnerf gur fuvg bhg bs zr.
417 -- E. Trvf
418%
419V'q engure or yrq gb uryy guna znantrq gb urnina.
420%
421V'z fbeel V'z yngr sbyxf, V whfg tbg bhg bs wnvy. V gevrq gb punatr zl
422tveysevraq'f anzr. Lrnu, V jrag qbja gb gur unyy bs erpbeqf. V fnvq, "V'q
423yvxr gb punatr vg... V'q yvxr gb punatr vg gb... YLVAT YVGGYR OVGPU!"
424 -- Fnz Xvavfba
425%
426V'ir orra jngpuvat lbh pybfryl gb frr vs lbh unir orra tbbq guvf lrne;
427naq fvapr lbh unir, V jvyy or gryyvat zl ryirf gb znxr fbzr tbbqvrf sbe zr
428gb yrnir haqre lbhe gerr ba Puevfgznf. V jnf tbvat gb oevat lbh nyy gur
429tvsgf sebz gur gjryir qnlf bs Puevfgznf, ohg jr unq n yvggyr ceboyrz hc urer.
430Gur gjryir svqqyref svqqyvat unir nyy pbzr qbja jvgu I.Q. sebz svqqyvat jvgu
431gur gra ynqvrf qnapvat, gur ryrira ybeqf-n-yrncvat unir xabpxrq hc gur rvtug
432znvqf-n-zvyxvat, naq gur avar cvcref cvcvat unir orra neerfgrq sbe qbvat
433jrveq guvatf gb gur frira fjnaf-n-fjvzzvat naq gur fvk trrfr-n-ynlvat. Gur
434sbhe pnyyvat oveqf, guerr Serapu uraf, gjb ghegyr qbirf, naq gur cnegevqtr
435va gur crne gerr unir zr hc gb zl nff va oveqfuvg. Ba gbc bs nyy guvf, Zef.
436Pynhf vf tbvat guebhtu zrabcnhfr, rvtug bs zl ervaqrre ner va urng, gur ryirf
437unir wbvarq tnl yvorengvba, naq gubfr qhzo nff Cbynpxf unir fpurqhyrq
438Puevfgznf sbe gur svsgu bs Sroehnel. V'yy qb jung V pna.
439 Fvapreryl,
440 Fnagn
441%
442Vs ng svefg lbh qba'g fhpprrq, gel, gel ntnva. Gura dhvg. Ab hfr orvat n
443qnza sbby nobhg vg.
444 -- J.P. Svryqf
445
446[Nyfb nggevohgrq gb Ebl Zratbg. Rq.]
447%
448Vs vg'f abg bar guvat, vg'f n zbgure.
449%
450Vs yvsr'f n cvrpr bs fuvg, Pnyphyhf VVV vf gur fcbba.
451%
452Vs gbqnl vf gur svefg qnl bs gur erfg bs lbhe yvsr, jung gur uryy jnf lrfgreqnl?
453%
454Vs lbh qba'g evqr n pnzry gb jbex, lbh nva'g Furrvgr.
455%
456 Vs lbh jbex sbe n zna, va urnira'f anzr, jbex sbe uvz.
457 Vs ur cnlf lbh jntrf juvpu fhccyl lbh oernq naq ohggre, jbex sbe uvz;
458fcrnx jryy bs uvz; fgnaq ol uvz, naq ol gur vafgvghgvba ur ercerfragf.
459 Vs chg gb n cvapu, na bhapr bs yblnygl vf jbegu n cbhaq bs pyrirearff.
460 Vs lbh zhfg ivyvsl, pbaqrza naq rgreanyyl svaq qvfcnentr -- erfvta lbhe
461cbfvgvba, naq jura lbh ner bhgfvqr, qnza gb lbhe urneg'f pbagrag... ohg, nf
462ybat nf lbh ner cneg bs gur vafgvghgvba qb abg pbaqrza vg.
463 Vs lbh qb gung, lbh ner ybbfravat gur graqevyf gung ner ubyqvat lbh gb
464gur vafgvghgvba, naq ng gur svefg uvtu jvaq gung pbzrf nybat, lbh jvyy
465or hcebbgrq naq oybja njnl, naq cebonoyl jvyy arire xabj gur ernfba jul.
466%
467Vs lbh'er tbvat gb oernx hc jvgu lbhe byq ynql naq lbh yvir va n fznyy
468gbja, znxr fher lbh qba'g oernx hc ng guerr va gur zbeavat. Orpnhfr lbh'er
469fperjrq -- gurer'f abguvat gb qb ... Fb znxr vg nobhg avar va gur zbeavat,
470... ohyyfuvg nebhaq, jbeel ure n yvggyr, gura pbzr onpx ng frira va gur
471avtug.
472 -- Yraal Oehpr
473%
474Va gur ortvaavat jnf gur QRZB Cebwrpg. Naq gur Cebwrpg jnf jvgubhg sbez.
475Naq qnexarff jnf hcba gur fgnss zrzoref gurerbs. Fb gurl fcnxr hagb
476gurve Qvivfvba Urnq, fnlvat, "Vg vf n pebpx bs fuvg, naq vg fgvaxf."
477
478Naq gur Qvivfvba Urnq fcnxr hagb uvf Qrcnegzrag Urnq, fnlvat,
479"Vg vf n pebpx bs rkperzrag naq abar znl novqr gur bqbe gurerbs."
480Abj, gur Qrcnegzrag Urnq fcnxr hagb uvf Qverpgbengr Urnq, fnlvat,
481"Vg vf n pbagnvare bs rkperzrag, naq vf irel fgebat, fhpu gung abar
482znl novqr orsber vg." Naq vg pnzr gb cnff gung gur Qverpgbengr Urnq
483fcnxr hagb gur Nffvfgnag Grpuavpny Qverpgbe, fnlvat, "Vg vf n irffry
484bs sregvyvmre naq abar znl novqr ol vgf fgeratgu."
485
486Naq gur nffvfgnag Grpuavpny Qverpgbe fcnxr guhf hagb gur Grpuavpny
487Qverpgbe, fnlvat, "Vg pbagnvargu gung juvpu nvqf tebjgu naq vg vf
488irel fgebat." Naq, Yb, gur Grpuavpny Qverpgbe fcnxr gura hagb gur
489Pncgnva, fnlvat, "Gur cbjreshy arj Cebwrpg jvyy uryc cebzbgr gur
490tebjgu bs gur Ynobengbevrf."
491
492Naq gur Pncgnva ybbxrq qbja hcba gur Cebwrpg, naq Ur fnj gung vg jnf Tbbq!
493%
494Vafcvgr bs nyy rivqrapr gb gur pbagenel, gur ragver havirefr vf pbzcbfrq bs
495bayl gjb onfvp fhofgnaprf: zntvp naq ohyyfuvg.
496%
497Vg vf n fnq pbzzragnel ba gbqnl'f fbpvrgl gung guvf sbeghar unf gb or
498pynffvsvrq nf "bssrafvir" fvzcyl orpnhfr vg pbagnvaf gur jbeq "shpx".
499%
500Vg znl abg or shaal, ohg vg'f qnzarq nzhfvat!
501%
502Vg frrzf gurer jrer gjb lbhat Znevarf jnyxvat qbja gur fgerrg, naq
503gurl punaprq hcba n ynql jub jnf obgu irel cebcre naq irel jryy raqbjrq.
504Bar bs gurz fnvq, "Jbj! Jung gvgf! Url ynql, jbhyq V ybir gb fahttyr hc jvgu
505gurz sbe njuvyr. Jung ner lbh qbvat guvf nsgreabba?"
506
507Jryy, gur bgure Znevar gubhtug gung jnf whfg nobhg gur zbfg funzrshy
508guvat ur unq rire jvgarffrq, naq sryg gung ur unq gb erfgber gur ubabe bs gur
509Pbecf. "Cneqba zl sevraq, Zn'nz," ur ncbybtvmrq, "Ur'f abg orra irel jryy
510oebhtug hc naq qba'g xabj ubj gb gnyx gb phag."
511%
512Vg hfrq gb or n zna'f jbeyq, naq gur jbzna'f cynpr jnf va gur ubzr.
513Gurl pna xvff gung fuvg tbbqolr.
514%
515Vg jnf nyzbfg pybfvat gvzr jura n znyr cngeba jub unq orra trggvat gur
516sebfgl gerngzrag sebz n tvey ng gur raq bs gur one pnyyrq gb gur
517onegraqre naq fnvq, "Tvir gung ovgpul qbhpur ont bire gurer bar ba zr."
518 "Jr qvfpbhentr gung fbeg bs ynathntr urer, fve," gur onegraqre
519nafjrerq fgreayl.
520 "BX, BX. Freir gur ynql n pbpxgnvy jvgu zl pbzcyvzragf."
521 Gur onegraqre nccebnpurq gur srznyr va dhrfgvba. "Gur, hu, tragyrzna
522ng gur bgure raq bs gur one jbhyq yvxr gb ohl lbh n qevax, zvff. Jung jbhyq
523lbh yvxr?"
524 "Ivartne naq jngre."
525%
526Vg'f n ovg uneq gb ohyyfuvg gur bprna. Vg'f abg yvfgravat, lbh xabj
527jung V zrna.
528 -- Qnivq Pebfol
529%
530Vg'f n ovgpu orvat ohgpu.
531%
532Vg'f n qnza cbbe zvaq gung pna bayl guvax bs bar jnl gb fcryy n jbeq.
533 -- Naqerj Wnpxfba
534%
535Vg'f orggre gb or cvffrq bss guna cvffrq ba.
536%
537Vg'f fb shpxva' terng gb or nyvir!
538%
539Yvsr vf n ovgpu, ohg gur chccvrf pna or phgr.
540%
541Yvsr vf n fuvg fnaqjvpu, naq rirel qnl lbh trg gb gnxr nabgure ovgr.
542Vg'f whfg gung fbzr qnlf ner GJB OVGR qnlf ...
543%
544Yvsr vf univat n zbgure-va-ynj gung fhpxf naq n jvsr gung qba'g.
545 -- Ebqarl Qnatresvryq
546%
547Yvsr vf yvxr n phphzore --
548
549bar zbzrag vg'f va lbhe unaq, gur arkg vg'f hc lbhe nff.
550%
551Yvsr vf yvxr n fuvg fnaqjvpu.
552
553Gur zber oernq lbh unir, gur yrff fuvg lbh unir gb rng.
554%
555Yvsr vf abg n pnonerg.
556Vg'f n shpxvat pvephf.
557%
558Yvsr vfa'g n ovgpu. Yvsr vf n ivetva. N ovgpu vf rnfl.
559%
560Ybbx bhg sbe lbhefrys -- be gurl'yy crr ba lbhe tenir.
561 -- Ybhvf O. Znlre
562
563Gur ernfba fb znal crbcyr fubjrq hc ng Ybhvf O. Znlre'f shareny jnf orpnhfr
564gurl jnagrq gb znxr fher ur jnf qrnq.
565 -- Fnzhry Tbyqjla
566%
567Ybir vf n fyvccrel rry gung ovgrf yvxr uryy.
568 -- Zngg Tebravat
569%
570Znal n zna unf qrpvqrq gb fgnl nyvir abg orpnhfr bs gur jvyy gb yvir, ohg
571orpnhfr bs gur qrgrezvangvba abg gb tvir nffbegrq fheivivat onfgneqf gur
572fngvfsnpgvba bs uvf qrngu.
573 -- Oeraqna Senapvf
574%
575 ZpDhvyyna jnf ba gur fgnaq. Gur pnfr vaibyirq n envyebnq naq frireny bs
576gur cnffratref jub jrer vawherq.
577 "Lbh fnl," guhaqrerq gur pbhafry sbe gur envyebnq, "gung lbh fnj
578gur gjb genvaf penfu urnq ba juvyr qbvat fvkgl zvyrf na ubhe. Jung qvq lbh
579guvax jura lbh fnj guvf unccra ?"
580 V gubhtug," ercyvrq gur Vevfuzna, "guvf vf bar *uryyhin* jnl gb eha
581n envyebnq."
582%
583Zr, V ybir gur evpu. *Fbzrobql* unf gb ybir gurz. Fher, n ybg bs evpu
584crbcyr ner nffubyrf, ohg oryvrir zr, n ybg bs cbbe crbcyr ner nffubyrf gbb.
585Naq na nffubyr jvgu zbarl pna ng yrnfg cnl sbe uvf bja qevaxf.
586 -- Gbz Eboovaf, "Wvggreoht Creshzr"
587%
588Zrtngba Zna: "YBBX ng gurz! Urycyrff, graqre perngherf, erylvat ba
589 ZR, jnvgvat sbe ZR gb znxr zl zbir!"
590
591(sebz orybj): "Zbir lbhe NFF, Sng-urnq!"
592
593Zrtngba Zna: "Vg vf n ZNAQNGR, naq V nz QHGL OBHAQ gb BORL!"
594%
595Zbbql ovgpu va frnepu bs...
596 xvaq, pbafvqrengr, ybivat zna. Bowrpgvir, ybir-ungr eryngvbafuvc.
597%
598Zbbql ovgpu jvgu nggvghqr, frrxf avpr, tbbq-ybbxvat thl gb qhzc ba.
599%
600Zbfg crbcyr jbhyqa'g xabj zhfvp vs vg pnzr hc naq ovg gurz ba gur nff.
601 -- Senax Mnccn
602%
603Zl nqivpr gb gur jbzra'f pyhof bs Nzrevpn vf gb envfr zber uryy naq srjre
604qnuyvnf.
605 -- Jvyyvnz Nyyra Juvgr
606%
607Zl oebgure-va-ynj unf sbhaq n jnl gb znxr raqf zrrg. Ur tbrf nebhaq
608jvgu uvf urnq fghpx hc uvf nff.
609%
610Arire syl haqre n frnthyy - gurl'yy fuvg ba lbhe nvecynar.
611 -- Tbeqba Pbbcre
612%
613 "Arire fraq n ZNA gb qb n JBZNA'F jbex! Jul qb lbh guvax V PNZR urer?"
614 "Abg sbe gur tbbq bs zl rtb, gung jnf sbe qnza fher."
615%
616Ab znggre ubj pyrire gur uneqjner oblf ner, gur fbsgjner oblf cvff vg njnl.
617%
618Aba Vyyrtvgvzhf Pneobehaqhz.
619 [Qba'g yrg gur onfgneqf jrne lbh qbja.]
620%
621Bofprar? Bofprar vf lbhat zra orvat genvarq gb qebc sver ba crbcyr, ohg
622gurve pbzznaqref abg nyybjvat gurz gb jevgr "shpx" ba gurve nvecynarf
623orpnhfr vg'f bofprar.
624%
625Bofpravgl vf gur pehgpu bs vanegvphyngr zbgureshpxref.
626%
627Byq zrepranevrf arire qvr. Gurl tb gb uryy naq ertebhc.
628%
629 Ba gur qnl bs uvf naavirefnel, Wbr jnf senagvpnyyl fubccvat
630nebhaq sbe n cerfrag sbe uvf jvsr. Ur xarj jung fur jnagrq, n
631tenaqsngure pybpx sbe gur yvivat ebbz, ohg ur sbhaq gur evtug bar nyzbfg
632vzcbffvoyr gb svaq. Svanyyl, nsgre znal ubhef bs frnepuvat, Wbr sbhaq
633whfg gur pybpx ur jnagrq, ohg gur fgber qvqa'g qryvire. Wbr, qrfcrengr,
634cnvq gur fubcxrrcre, ubvfgrq gur pybpx bagb uvf onpx, naq fgnttrerq bhg
635bagb gur fvqrjnyx. Ba gur jnl ubzr, ur cnffrq n one. Whfg nf ur ernpurq
636gur qbbe, n qehax fghzoyrq bhg naq penfurq vagb Wbr, fraqvat uvzfrys,
637Wbr, naq gur pybpx vagb gur thggre. Zhecul'f ynj orvat va rssrpg, gur
638pybpx raqrq hc va ebhtuyl n gubhfnaq cvrprf.
639 "Lbh fghcvq qehax!" fpernzrq Wbr, whzcvat hc sebz gur jerpxntr.
640"Jul qba'g lbh ybbx jurer gur uryy lbh'er tbvat!"
641 Jvgu dhvrg qvtavgl gur qehax fgbbq hc fbzrjung hafgrnqvyl naq
642qhfgrq uvzfrys bss. "Naq jul qba'g lbh whfg jrne n jevfgjngpu yvxr n
643abezny crefba?"
644%
645Bapr hcba n gvzr, gurer jnf n aba-pbasbezvat fcneebj jub qrpvqrq abg gb
646syl fbhgu sbe gur jvagre. Ubjrire, fbba nsgre gur jrngure ghearq pbyq,
647gur fcneebj punatrq uvf zvaq naq eryhpgnagyl fgnegrq gb syl fbhgu.
648Nsgre n fubeg gvzr, vpr ortna gb sbez uvf ba uvf jvatf naq ur sryy gb
649rnegu va n onealneq nyzbfg sebmra. N pbj cnffrq ol naq penccrq ba guvf
650yvggyr oveq naq gur fcneebj gubhtug vg jnf gur raq, ohg gur znaher
651jnezrq uvz naq qrsebfgrq uvf jvatf. Jnez naq unccl gur yvggyr fcneebj
652ortna gb fvat. Whfg gura, n ynetr Gbz png pnzr ol naq urnevat gur
653puvecvat vairfgvtngrq gur fbhaqf. Nf Byq Gbz pyrnerq njnl gur znaher,
654ur sbhaq gur puvecvat oveq naq cebzcgyl ngr uvz.
655
656Gurer ner guerr zbenyf gb guvf fgbel:
657
658(1) Rirelbar jub fuvgf ba lbh vf abg arprffnevyl lbhe rarzl.
659(2) Rirelbar jub trgf lbh bhg bs fuvg vf abg arprffnevyl lbhe sevraq.
660(3) Vs lbh ner jnez naq unccl va n cvyr bs fuvg, xrrc lbhe zbhgu fuhg.
661%
662Bar qnl n yvggyr cbyne orne pho fnlf gb uvf zbgure, "Zbzzl, nz V ernyyl
663n cbyne orne?"
664 "Jul bs pbhefr lbh ner, ubarl!" uvf zbgure ercyvrf. "Lbh yvir ng
665gur Abegu Cbyr naq lbh fjvz haqre gur vpr gb pngpu svfu. Lbh cynl ba gur
666vpr sybrf naq lbh ebzc guebhtu gur fabj naq punfr frnyf. Bs *pbhefr* lbh'er
667n cbyne orne. Jul qb lbh nfx?"
668 "Orpnhfr," fnlf gur yvggyr pho, "V'z shpxva' serrmvat!"
669%
670Bhef vf n jbeyq jurer crbcyr qba'g xabj jung gurl jnag naq ner jvyyvat
671gb tb guebhtu uryy gb trg vg.
672%
673Cneqba zr, fve, ohg lbh'ir boivbhfyl zvfgnxra zr sbe fbzrbar jub tvirf n fuvg.
674%
675Crbcyr jub jevgr cbfvgvba cncref bsgra svaq gurzfryirf va na
676raivnoyr cbfvgvba. Gurl ner uverq gb jevgr cncref sbe obgu fvqrf bs gur
677cbfvgvba.
678 N tbbq cbfvgvba cncre jvyy unir znal jbeqf va vg yvxr
679"fhcrevaphzorapr," "rterff," naq "cyhevsvpngvba."
680 Lbh jvyy abg bsgra svaq gur cuenfr "yvtugjrvtug qebcpnfr
681yvzc-jevfgrq zbgureshpxre" va n frevbhf cbfvgvba cncre.
682 Punegf naq zhygvcyvpngvba gnoyrf fubhyq nyjnlf or vapyhqrq va
683cbfvgvba cncref. Gurl fubhyq ybbx pbzcyvpngrq rabhtu gb znxr Nyoreg
684Rvafgrva fgnttre npebff gur ebbz sbe n Glyraby.
685 N tbbq cbfvgvba cncre jvyy arire haqrerfgvzngr gur inyhr bs n
686frzvpbyba.
687 -- Qna Wraxvaf, "Onwn Bxynubzn"
688%
689Crbcyr jvyy fjvz guebhtu fuvg vs lbh chg n srj obo va vg.
690 -- Crgre Fryyref
691%
692Cflpubgurencl vf gur gurbel gung gur cngvrag jvyy cebonoyl trg jryy nalubj
693naq vf pregnvayl n qnza sbby.
694 -- U. Y. Zrapxra
695%
696Fuvg unccraf.
697%
698 Fubegyl nsgre Puhepuvyy unq tebja n zbhfgnpur, ur jnf nppbfgrq ol n
699pregnva lbhat ynql jubfr cbyvgvpny ivrjf jrer va qverpg bccbfvgvba gb uvf
700bja. Snaplvat urefrys fbzrguvat bs n jnt, fur rkpynvzrq, "Ze. Puhepuvyy, V
701pner sbe arvgure lbhe cbyvgvpf abe lbhe zbhfgnpur." Hanonfurq, gur lbhat
702fgngrfzna ertneqrq ure dhvrgyl sbe n zbzrag, gur jelyl pbzzragrq, "Fhpx zl
703qvpx."
704 Juvyr freivat nf n fhonygrea va gur Obre Jne, gur lbhat Puhepuvyy jnf
705nfxrq ol n fhcrevbe bssvpre gb tvir uvf bcvavba bs gur Obref nf fbyqvref.
706 "Gurl'er nffubyrf, fve," ur iragherq, gura cnhfrq oevrsyl naq nqqrq, jvgu n
707juvzfvpny fzvyr, "Gurl'er nffubyrf."
708 Puhepuvyy jnf tvira gb ernqvat va gur ongugho naq, juvyr fgnlvat ng
709gur Juvgr Ubhfr, ur bapr orpnzr fb ratebffrq va na nppbhag bs gur Onggyr bs
710Sbagrarl gung ur sbetbg Cerfvqrag Ebbfriryg jnf qhr gb qebc ol gb qvfphff gur
711hcpbzvat pbasrerapr va Lnygn. Ng gur nccbvagrq ubhe, gur Cerfvqrag jnf
712jurryrq vagb Puhepuvyy'f dhnegref bayl gb or vasbezrq gung gur Cevzr Zvavfgre
713unq abg svavfurq onguvat. Ebbfriryg jnf nobhg gb ncbybtvmr sbe gur vagehfvba
714naq qrcneg jura Puhepuvyy, chssvat uvf phfgbznel pvtne, fgebqr vagb gur ebbz
715fgnex anxrq naq terrgrq gur abacyhffrq jbeyq yrnqre jvgu n grefr, "Jung ner
716lbh fgnevat ng, ubzb?"
717 -- "Gur Puhepuvyy Jvg", Angvbany Ynzcbba
718%
719Fvyrapr pna or gur ovttrfg yvr bs nyy. Jr unir n erfcbafvovyvgl gb fcrnx
720hc; naq jurarire gur bppnfvba pnyyf sbe vg, jr unir n erfcbafvovyvgl gb
721envfr oybbql uryy.
722 -- Ureoreg Oybpx
723%
724Fb lbh shpxrq hc... lbh gehfgrq hf!
725 -- Navzny Ubhfr
726%
727Fbzr pbzcnavrf vqrn bs cynlvat onyy vf, lbh cynl onyy jvgu hf,
728naq jr'yy fgvpx gur shpxvat ong hc lbhe nff.
729%
730Fbzr bs gur znantrzrag nebhaq urer ner gur svany cebbs gung gur Vaqvnaf
731shpxrq gur ohssnyb.
732%
733Fbzrgvzrf, lbh whfg tbggn fnl "Jung gur shpx."
734 -- Evfxl Ohfvarff
735%
736Fhofgvghgr 'qnza' rirel gvzr lbh'er vapyvarq gb jevgr 'irel'; lbhe
737rqvgbe jvyy qryrgr vg naq gur jevgvat jvyy or whfg nf vg fubhyq or.
738 -- Znex Gjnva
739%
740Fhpprff unf znal snguref, ohg snvyher vf n onfgneq.
741%
742Gryy lbh jung," gur unoreqnfure fnvq gb n crefvfgrag wbo nccyvpnag. "V'ir
743tbg bar fhvg V pna'g fryy -- gung checyr, terra naq lryybj ahzore bire gurer.
744Vs lbh pna znxr gung fnyr, lbh'ir abg bayl tbg gur wbo, lbh'ir tbg vg sbe
745yvsr."
746 Gura gur fgber bjare yrsg sbe yhapu. Jura ur erghearq, ur jnf fubpxrq
747gb frr gur lbhat zna'f pybgurf va gnggref naq uvf unaqf naq snpr oyrrqvat.
748 "Zl Tbq, jung unccrarq gb lbh?"
749 "V fbyq gur fhvg! V fbyq gur fhvg!" gur lbhat zna fubhgrq, n fzvyr
750ba uvf oybbqvrq yvcf.
751 "Pbatenghyngvbaf," gur unoreqnfure fnvq. "Lbh'ir tbg gur wbo. Ohg
752jung unccrarq? Qvq gur phfgbzre fgneg n svtug?"
753 "Bu, ab," gur arj fnyrfzna ercyvrq. "Ohg uvf Frrvat Rlr qbt jnf
754*cvffrq*."
755%
756Gur orfg ahzore sbe n qvaare cnegl vf gjb--zlfrys naq n qnza tbbq urnq jnvgre.
757 -- Ahone Thyoraxvna
758%
759Gur oblf va gur Rccrefba snzvyl nyy npdhverq svar rqhpngvbaf rkprcg sbe Rqjneq.
760Gurl znqr uvz tb gb fpubby, ohg zbfg bs gur gvzr ur whfg vtaberq jung jnf fnvq
761gurer. Lrg gurer jrer ener zbzragf jura ur pbhyq qvfcynl n ovg bs phevbfvgl.
762 Bar qnl Rqjneq jnf fvggvat ng ubzr ybbxvat ng n zntnmvar, naq ur fnvq
763gb uvf oevyyvnag byqre oebgure, Uhq, ur fnvq, "Uhq, jung qbrf sbk cnff zrna?"
764 Oebgure Uhq tnir gur dhrfgvba fbzr qrrc pbafvqrengvba naq gura fnvq,
765"Lbh zhfg zrna _snhk_cnf_."
766 "Gur jnl vg'f fcryyrq," fnvq qhzo Rq, "vg'f sbk cnff."
767 Uhq gbbx n ybbx ng gur jnl vg jnf fcryyrq naq gura fnvq, "Vg'f n Serapu
768cuenfr -- vg zrnaf n fbpvny oyhaqre. Erzrzore ynfg Fhaqnl jura gur Ovfubc pnzr
769sbe qvaare? Zbgure gbbx uvz bhg va gur tneqra naq gurl jrer ybbxvat bire gur
770ebfrf jura gur Ovfubc tbg fghpx ba gur guhzo ol n gubea. Vg jnf oyrrqvat dhvgr
771n ovg fb Zbgure oebhtug uvz va gur ubhfr. Gurl jrag vagb gur onguebbz gbtrgure
772naq fgnlrq dhvgr n juvyr, naq jura gurl pnzr bhg jr nyy jrag gb gur qvaare
773gnoyr. Erzrzore nyy gung, Rq?"
774 "Lru."
775 "Abj," Uhq pbagvahrq, "lbh erpnyy gung V jnf whfg trggvat gb cnff
776gur tenil jura Zbgure fnvq, 'Ovfubc, qbrf lbhe cevpx fgvyy guebo?' Gur tenil
777objy syrj bhg bs zl unaqf naq uvg gur gnoyr, naq gur tenil fcynggrerq nyy
778bire rirelbar. Naq whfg ng gung cbvag lbh, Oebgure Rqjneq, lbh ubyyrerq,
779'Furrr-vgg!' Lbh erzrzore gung?"
780 "Lru."
781 "Jryy, jura lbh ubyyrerq 'Furrr-vgg!' gung jnf n _snhk_cnf_."
782%
783Gur qvssrerapr orgjrra tenssvgv naq cuvybfbcul vf gur jbeq "shpx".
784%
785 Gur snzbhf Aryy Tjlaa, fgrccvat bar qnl sebz n ubhfr jurer fur unq
786znqr n fubeg ivfvg vagb ure pbnpu, fnj n terng pebjq nffrzoyrq, naq ure
787sbbgzna nyy oybbql naq qvegl; gur sryybj orvat nfxrq ol uvf zvfgerff, gur
788ernfba sbe uvf orvat va gung pbaqvgvba, nafjrerq, "V unir orra svtugvat,
789znqnz, jvgu na vzchqrag enfpny jub pnyyrq lbhe ynqlfuvc n juber."
790 "Lbh oybpxurnq," ercyvrq Zef. Tljaa, "ng guvf engr lbh zhfg svtug
791rirel qnl bs lbhe yvsr; jul, lbh sbby, nyy gur jbeyq xabjf vg."
792 "Qb gurl?" pevrf gur sryybj, va n zhggrevat ibvpr, nsgre ur unq fuhg
793gur pbnpu qbbe, "gurl funa'g pnyy zr n juber'f sbbgzna sbe nyy gung."
794 -- Urael Svryqvat, "Gbz Wbarf"
795%
796Gur tbireazrag jnf pbagrzcyngvat gur qvfcngpu bs na rkcrqvgvba gb Ohezn,
797jvgu n ivrj gb gnxvat Enatbba, naq n dhrfgvba nebfr nf gb jub jbhyq or gur
798svggrfg trareny gb or frag va pbzznaq bs gur rkcrqvgvba. Gur Pnovarg frag
799sbe gur Qhxr bs Jryyvatgba, naq nfxrq uvf nqivpr. Ur vafgnagyl ercyvrq,
800"Fraq Ybeq Pbzorezrer."
801 "Ohg jr unir nyjnlf haqrefgbbq gung lbhe Tenpr gubhtug Ybeq
802Pbzorezrer n sbby."
803 "Fb ur vf n sbby, naq n qnzarq sbby; ohg ur pna gnxr Enatbba."
804 -- T.J.R. Ehffryy
805%
806Gur uvture lbh pyvzo, gur zber lbh fubj lbhe nff.
807 -- Nyrknaqre Cbcr, "Gur Qhapvnq"
808%
809Gur zber penc lbh chg hc jvgu, gur zber penc lbh'er tbvat gb trg.
810%
811... gur zbfg rkdhvfvgryl fdhnyvq uryyf xabja gb zvqqyr-pynff zna:
812serfuzna Ratyvfu ng n Zvqjrfgrea havirefvgl.
813 -- Gbz Jbysr
814%
815Gur bowrpgvir bs nyy qrqvpngrq rzcyblrrf fubhyq or gb gubebhtuyl nanylmr
816nyy fvghngvbaf, nagvpvcngr nyy ceboyrzf cevbe gb gurve bppheerapr, unir
817nafjref sbe gurfr ceboyrzf, naq zbir fjvsgyl gb fbyir gurfr ceboyrzf
818jura pnyyrq hcba.
819 Ubjrire...
820Jura lbh ner hc gb lbhe nff va nyyvtngbef vg vf qvssvphyg gb erzvaq
821lbhefrys lbhe vavgvny bowrpgvir jnf gb qenva gur fjnzc.
822%
823Gur byq zna unq yvirq nyy uvf yvsr va n yvggyr ubhfr ba gur Irezbag fvqr bs gur
824Arj Unzcfuver-Irezbag obeqre. Bar qnl, gur fheirlbef pnzr gb vasbez uvz gung
825gurl unq whfg qvfpbirerq gung ur yvirq va Arj Unzcfuver, abg Irezbag.
826 "Gunax urniraf!" jnf uvf urnegsryg ercyl. "V qba'g guvax V pbhyq unir
827gnxra nabgure bar bs gubfr qnzarq Irezbag jvagref!"
828%
829Gur bayl guvat snfgre guna gur fcrrq bs yvtug vf fuvg sybjvat qbjauvyy.
830 -- Zvxr B'Qryy
831%
832Gur bayl jnl lbh'yy rire urne sebz zr vf vs lbh'er yvivat va gur fnzr uryy.
833 -- Ebl Unecre
834%
835Gur ebnq gb uryy vf cnirq jvgu tbbq vagragvbaf. Naq yvggrerq jvgu
836fybccl nanylfvf!
837%
838 GUR GRA FGNTRF BS VAGBKVPNGVBA
839
840 (1) JVGGL NAQ PUNEZVAT: Guvf vf nsgre bar be gjb qevaxf. Gur gbathr
841 vf ybbfrarq naq pna lrg erznva va fgrc jvgu gur oenva. Va gur
842 "jvggl naq punezvat" fgngr, bar vf yvxryl gb hfr sbervta vqvbzf
843 naq cuenfrf fhpu nf "nh pbagenver" va cynpr bs "Abj jnl, Wbfr,"
844 be "Ohyyfurlrg".
845 (2) EVPU NAQ CBJRESHY: Ol gur guveq qevax, lbh ortva zragvbavat gur
846 yvggyr 380 FY lbh'ir unq lbhe rlr ba qbja ng gur Zreprqrf cynpr.
847 (3) ORARIBYRAG: Lbh'yy ohl ure n Zreprqrf, gbb. Vg'f bayl zbarl.
848 (4) WHFG BAR ZBER NAQ GURA JR'YY RNG: Fgnyy gnpgvp.
849 (5) GB URYY JVGU QVAARE: Whfg bar zber naq gura jr'yy rng.
850 (6) CNGEVBGVP: Gur jne fgbevrf ortva.
851 (7) PENAX HC GUR "RABYN TNL": "Jr pbhyq unir jba va Anz, ohg..."
852 (8) VAIVFVOYR: Fb guvf vf jung gur Ynqvrf' Ebbz ybbxf yvxr.
853 (9) JVGGL NAQ PUNEZVAT CNEG VV: Lbh xabj, lbh qba'g fjrng zhpu sbe
854 n sng tvey.
855 (10) OHYYRGCEBBS: Ohyy-furlrg, tvzzr gurz xrlf, V pna qevir.
856 -- Yrjvf Tevmmneq, "Zl Qnqql Jnf n Cvfgby naq V'z n Fba
857 bs n Tha".
858%
859Gur gvzr unf pbzr sbe xvpxvat nff naq gnxvat anzrf.
860%
861 Gur gbjafcrbcyr fgbbq va qrfcnve nf gur sver gung unq ortha va n qvare
862guerngrarq gb fcernq gb nqwbvavat ubzrf. Whfg gura, n gehpx svyyrq jvgu
863snez jbexref pnzr fcrrqvat qbja n uvyy gbjneq gur sver. Gur pebjq zbirq
864onpx naq gur gehpx qebir evtug vagb gur guvpxrfg bs gur synzrf. Gur jbexref
865whzcrq bhg naq orng ng gur sver jvgu gurve pbngf, zvenphybhfyl oevatvat gur
866oynmr haqre pbageby.
867 Gur pvgl snguref jrer fb tengrshy sbe gur zra'f urebvfz gung gurl
868tnir rnpu n cyndhr naq $1000. Nsgre gur prerzbal, arjfzra vagreivrjrq gur
869qevire naq nfxrq uvz jung ur jnf tbvat gb qb jvgu gur zbarl.
870 "Lbh pna or qnzarq fher gur svefg guvat V'z tbaan qb," ur ercyvrq,
871"vf trg gur oenxrf svkrq ba gung fba-bs-n-ovgpuva' gehpx!"
872%
873Gur jbeyq vf na 8000 zvyr va qvnzrgre fcurevpny cvyr bs fuvg.
874%
875Gurer ner guerr xvaqf bs yvrf: yvrf, qnzarq yvrf naq fgngvfgvpf.
876 -- Orawnzva Qvfenryv
877%
878Gurer ner gjb fvqrf gb rirel qvibepr: lbhef naq gur fuvgurnq'f.
879%
880Gurer vf nyjnlf zber uryy gung arrqf envfvat.
881 -- Ynhera Yrirhg
882%
883Gurer'f n zna qrrcyl va qrog, frr, naq ur gnxrf gur zbarl ur unf yrsg
884naq tbrf gb Zbagr Pneyb gb gel gb erpbhc ng gur ebhyrggr gnoyrf. Jba n
885yvggyr, ybfg n ybg, naq jnf qbja gb uvf ynfg senap. Cenlrq sbe uryc.
886N ibvpr juvfcrerq va uvf rne: "Yr ebhtr..." Zna ybbxrq nebhaq; abobql
887gurer. Jung gur uryy -- ur chgf uvf ynfg senap ba gur erq, naq vg jba.
888Gur ibvpr vzzrqvngryl fnvq, "Rapber yr ebhtr..." Cynlrq erq ntnva, naq
889vg jba ntnva. Gur ibvpr fnvq, "Vzcnve..." Cynlrq bqq, naq vg jba. Ibvpr
890fnvq, "Dhvamr..." fb ur chg nyy gur zbarl ba 15, naq vg jba. Guvf jrag
891ba sbe ubhef, gur ibvpr gryyvat uvz jung gb org, naq gur zna chggvat nyy
892uvf zbarl ba jung gur ibvpr fnvq, naq jvaavat. Svanyyl jura gur ibvpr
893fcbxr, gur zna cebgrfgrq gung ur'q jba zvyyvbaf bs qbyynef naq jnagrq gb
894dhvg. Gur ibvpr jnf varkbenoyr: "Qbhmr..." Gur zna chg gur zbarl ba 12,
895naq 11 pnzr hc -- ur unq ybfg rirelguvat -- gur ibvpr zhezherq "Zreqr!!"
896%
897Gurer'f n graqrapl gbqnl gb nofbyir vaqvivqhnyf sebz zbeny erfcbafvovyvgl naq
898gerng gurz nf ivpgvzf bs fbpvny pvephzfgnapr. Lbh ohl gung, lbh cnl jvgu lbhe
899fbhy. Vg'f abg zra jub yvzvg jbzra, vg'f abg fgenvtugf jub yvzvg tnlf, vg'f
900abg juvgrf jub yvzvg oynpxf. Jung yvzvgf crbcyr vf ynpx bs punenpgre. Jung
901yvzvgf crbcyr vf gung gurl qba'g unir gur shpxvat areir be vzntvangvba gb fgne
902va gurve bja zbivr, yrg nybar qverpg vg.
903 -- Oreaneq Zvpxrl Jenatyr
904%
905Gurl bhtug gb znxr ohgg-syniberq png sbbq.
906 -- Tnyynture
907%
908Guvf thl znxrf na nccbvagzrag jvgu n qbpgbe orpnhfr uvf urzbeeubvqf ner
909ernyyl obgurevat uvz. Gur qbpgbe tvirf uvz fbzr fhccbfvgbevrf naq gryyf
910uvz gb pbzr onpx va n jrrx sbe n purpxhc. "Ubj'f vg tbvat?" ur nfxf
911gur cngvrag n jrrx yngre.
912 "V tbggn gryy lbh gur gehgu, Qbp," fnvq gur zna. "Sbe nyy gur
913tbbq gurfr cvyyf qvq zr, V pbhyqn fubirq gurz hc zl nff."
914%
915Guvf thl jnyxf vagb n onax naq hc gb n srznyr onax gryyre:
916
917Zna: "V jnag gb bcra n shpxva' fnivatf nppbhag."
918Gryyre: "Rkphfr zr, fve?"
919Z: "Yvfgra, ovgpu, V jnag gb bcra n shpxva' fnivatf nppbhag."
920G: "Fve, V qba'g unir gb yvfgra gb guvf nohfvir ynathntr."
921Z: "YBBX! V whfg jnag gb bcra n shpxva' fnivatf nppbhag."
922G: "Fve, lbh yrnir zr ab pubvpr ohg gb fcrnx gb gur znantre."
923
924Gur gryyre jnyxf bire naq rkcynvaf gur phfgbzre'f ehqr orunivbe gb gur onax
925znantre jub gura nppbzcnavrf ure onpx gb gur gryyre obbgu.
926
927Zte: "Pna V uryc lbh, fve?"
928Z: "V jnag gb bcra n shpxva' fnivatf nppbhag."
929Zte: "Cyrnfr, fve, jr'yy or qryvtugrq gb uryc lbh, ohg jr zhfg erdhrfg
930 gung lbh abg hfr nohfvir ynathntr gb bhe gryyref."
931Z: "Ybbx. V whfg jba $25 zvyyvba va gur fgngr ybggrel naq V jnag gb
932 bcra n shpxva' fnivatf nppbhag!"
933Zte: "V frr. Naq unf guvf phag orra tvivat lbh nal gebhoyr?"
934%
935Guvf vf Angvbany Fzbxref-Ner-Fuvgf Jrrx.
936%
937Gbqnl vf tbaan or bar uryyhin jrrx!
938%
939Gbzbeebj arire pbzrf! Vg'f nyy gur fnzr shpxva' qnl, zna!
940 -- Wnavf Wbcyva
941%
942 Gjb yvggyr xvqf, ntrq fvk naq rvtug, qrpvqr vg'f gvzr gb yrnea ubj gb
943fjrne. Fb, gur rvtug-lrne-byq fnlf gb gur fvk-lrne-byq, "Bxnl, lbh fnl
944`nff' naq V'yy fnl `uryy'".
945 Nyy rkpvgrq nobhg gurve cyna, gurl gebbc qbjafgnvef, jurer gurve
946zbgure nfxf gurz jung gurl'q yvxr sbe oernxsnfg.
947 "Nj, uryy," fnlf gur rvtug-lrne-byq, "tvzzr fbzr Purrevbf." Uvf zbgure
948onpxunaqf uvz bss gur fgbby, fraqvat uvz onjyvat bhg bs gur ebbz, naq
949gheaf gb gur lbhatre oebgure. "Jung'yy lbh unir?"
950 "V qhaab," dhniref gur fvk-lrne-byq, "ohg lbh pna org lbhe nff vg
951nva'g tbaan or Purrevbf."
952%
953Gjb zbegvpvnaf nygreangrq va funevat gur erfcbafvovyvgl bs pbirevat
954gur avtug fuvsg. Bar rneyl zbeavat nobhg 3:00 nz, n obql jnf oebhtug vagb gur
955zbeghnel, naq gur zbegvpvna ortna jbex. Jura ur unq hapybgurq gur pbecfr, ur
956abgvprq n pbex va gur nahf. Erzbivat vg, gur fgenvaf bs "Uryyb, Qbyyl, jryy,
957uryyb, Qbyyl...!" jrer cynvayl urneq orvat fhat. Ur chg gur pbex onpx, naq
958gur fvatvat fgbccrq. Chyyvat vg bhg ntnva, gur fnzr fbat fgnegrq, "Lbh'er
959ybbxva' fjryy, Qbyyl!". Nznmrq, ur gryrcubarq uvf cnegare, naq vafvfgrq ur
960pbzr vzzrqvngryl gb frr fbzrguvat irel hahfhny. Ebhfrq sebz fyrrc, gur cnegare
961nfxrq vs vg pbhyq jnvg hagvy zbeavat. Vg gbbx terng crefvfgrapr, ohg svanyyl
962gur cnegare nterrq gb qerff naq pbzr qbja gb gur fubc. Jura ur tbg gurer, ur
963fnvq, "Abj jung jnf vg gung jnf fb vzcbegnag lbh unq gb trg zr bhg bs orq ng
964guvf hatbqyl ubhe?"
965 Gur zna fnvq, "Pbzr vagb gur rzonyzvat ebbz."
966 Gurl tb vagb gur rzonyzvat ebbz, naq gur svefg cnegare fnlf, "Abj
967jngpu."
968 Ur chyyf bhg gur pbex, naq gur nahf gnxrf bss fvatvat ntnva. Gur
969cnegare ybbxf ng uvz qvfthfgrqyl naq fnlf: "Lbh oebhtug zr qbja urer ng
970guerr va gur zbeavat whfg gb urne fbzr nffubyr fvat Uryyb Qbyyl"?
971%
972ILNEMREMBZNAVZBEBEFRMNFFRMNAFRENERBEFRF?
973%
974"Jngre? Arire gbhpu gur fghss! Svfu shpx va vg."
975 -- J. P. Svryqf
976%
977Jr nera'g jung jr rng. Jr ner jung jr qba'g fuvg.
978 -- Uhtu Ebzarl
979%
980Jr pnyy bhe qbt Rtlcg, orpnhfr va rirel ebbz ur yrnirf n clenzvq.
981%
982Jr pnzr, jr fnj, jr xvpxrq vgf nff!
983 -- Ovyy Zheenl, "Tubfgohfgref"
984%
985Jr zhfg erzrzore gur Svefg Nzraqzrag juvpu cebgrpgf nal fuevyy wnpxnff
986ab znggre ubj frys-frrxvat.
987 -- S. T. Jvguvatgba
988%
989Jryy, abj gung FHA'f va orq jvgu NG&G, V fher ubcr fur fyrrcf jvgu ure
990onpx gb gur jnyy.
991 -- Thl Uneevf, ba NG&G ohlvat 20% bs FHA Zvpebflfgrzf
992
993Rng fuvg naq qvr. Fgebat zrzb gb sbyybj.
994 -- Zvxr B'Qryy, ba NG&G ohlvat 20% bs FHA Zvpebflfgrzf
995%
996 Jryy, gurer jnf guvf gvtre, jub jbxr hc bar zbeavat, naq whfg sryg
997terng (lrf, whfg yvxr Gbal gur Gvtre: TERNNNNNNG). Naljnl, ur whfg sryg
998fb tbbq, ur jrag bhg naq pbearerq n fznyy zbaxrl naq ebnerq ng uvz: "JUB VF
999GUR ZVTUGVRFG BS NYY GUR WHATYR NAVZNYF?"
1000 Naq guvf cbbe dhnxvat yvggyr zbaxrl ercyvrq: "Lbh ner bs pbhefr, ab
1001bar vf zvtugvre guna lbh."
1002 N yvggyr juvyr yngre guvf gvtre pbasebagf n qrre, naq whfg oryybjf bhg:
1003"JUB VF GUR TERNGRFG NAQ FGEBATRFG BS NYY GUR WHATYR NAVZNYF?"
1004 Gur qrre vf funxvat fb uneq vg pna oneryl fcrnx, ohg znantrf gb
1005fgnzzre: "Bu terng gvtre, lbh ner ol sne gur zvtugvrfg navzny va gur whatyr."
1006 Gur gvtre, orvat ba n ebyy, fjnttrerq, hc gb na ryrcunag gung jnf
1007dhvrgyl zhapuvat ba fbzr jrrqf, naq ebnerq ng gur gbc bs uvf ibvpr: "JUB VF
1008GUR ZVTUGVRFG BS NYY GUR NAVZNYF VA GUR WHATYR?"
1009 Jryy, guvf ryrcunag tenof gur gvtre jvgu uvf gehax, cvpxf uvz hc, fynzf
1010uvz qbja; cvpxf uvz hc ntnva, naq funxrf uvz hagvy gur gvtre vf whfg n oyhe bs
1011benatr naq oynpx; naq svanyyl guebjf uvz ivbyragyl vagb n arneol gerr.
1012 Gur gvtre fgnttref gb uvf srrg, ybbxf ng gur ryrcunag naq fnlf: "Zna,
1013lbh qba'g unir gb trg fb cvffrq, whfg orpnhfr lbh qba'g xabj gur nafjre!"
1014%
1015Jryy, guvf jbzna jrag gb gur ohgpure fubc gb trg fbzr unz sbe qvaare.
1016Fur nfxrq gur ohgpure jung xvaq bs unz ur erpbzzraqrq, naq gur ohgpure fnvq,
1017"Jryy zn'nz, jr tbg fbzr Qnza unz urer sbe $3.50 n cbhaq..." Arrqyrff gb
1018fnl, fur jnf fhecevfrq ng gur ohgpure'f ynathntr! Gur ohgpure, jub jnf
1019ernfbanoyl nfghgr, abgvprq gur nynezrq ybbx ba gur jbzna'f snpr, naq dhvpxyl
1020whfgvsvrq uvzfrys. "Ab, ab, zn'nz, V jnfa'g phefva', gur ANZR bs guvf urer
1021unz vf "Qnza unz". Nzhfrq, gur jbzna erdhrfgrq fbzr "Qnza unz."
1022 Gung avtug, orsber qvaare, gur jbzna gbbx ure uhfonaq nfvqr naq
1023rkcynvarq jung unq unccrarq ng gur ohgpure fubc. Ur nyfb jnf nzhfrq, naq
1024fhttrfgrq gung gurl cynl n wbxr ba gurve fba. Fb, ng qvaare, nsgre tenpr,
1025gur zna ghearq gb uvf jvsr naq fnvq, "Ubarl, cnff gur qnza unz."
1026 Gurve fba ybbxrq hc, fhecevfrq. "JUBNU! Qnq or trggva' uvc!
1027Ubj 'obhg gurz zbgure-shpxva' cbgngbrf?"
1028%
1029Jung gur shpx, bire?
1030%
1031Jung gur uryy, tb nurnq naq chg nyy lbhe rttf va bar onfxrg.
1032%
1033Jura gur fuvg uvgf gur sna, xrrc lbhe zbhgu fuhg!
1034%
1035Jurer gur uryy vf Jnyy Qeht?
1036%
1037Jub gur uryy jnagf gb urne npgbef gnyx?
1038 -- Uneel Jneare, Jneare Oebf. Cvpgherf, p. 1927
1039%
1040Jub gbbx gur ZZZZZZ bhg bs ZHEVAR?
1041%
1042Jul qbrfa'g rirelobql yrnir rirelobql ryfr gur uryy nybar?
1043 -- Wvzzl Qhenagr
1044%
1045Jvaavat vfa'g rirelguvat, ohg ybfvat ernyyl fhpxf.
1046%
1047Jvagre vf angher'f jnl bs fnlvat, "Hc lbhef."
1048 -- Eboreg Olear
1049%
1050Jbex yvxr uryy, gryy rirelbar rirelguvat lbh xabj, pybfr n qrny jvgu
1051n unaqfunxr, naq unir sha.
1052 -- Unebyq "Qbp" Rqtregba, fhzzvat hc uvf yvsr'f cuvybfbcul,
1053 fubegyl orsber qlvat ng gur ntr bs 86.
1054%
1055Jbhyq lbh zvaq greevoyl zhpu vs V nfxrq lbh gb gnxr lbhe fvyyl-nffrq
1056ceboyrz qbja gur unyy?
1057%
1058Lrfgreqnl vf n zrzbel,
1059 Gbzbeebj vf n ivfvba,
1060 Gbqnl vf n ovgpu!
1061%
1062Lbh ner jvgubhg n qbhog n ebthr, n enfpny, n ivyynva, n guvrs, n fpbhaqery,
1063naq n zrna, qvegl, fgvaxvat, faviryvat, farnxvat, cvzcvat, cbpxrgcvpxvat,
1064guevpr qbhoyr-qnzarq, ab-tbbq fba-bs-n-ovgpu.
1065%
1066Lbh pna svaq flzcngul, va gur qvpgvbanel, evtug arne fuvg naq fhvpvqr.
1067%
1068Lbh pna yrnq n juber gb Inffre, ohg lbh pna'g znxr ure guvax.
1069 -- Serqrevpx O. Negm
1070%
1071Lbh unir orra ovgpul fvapr Ghrfqnl naq lbh'yy cebonoyl trg sverq gbqnl.
1072%
1073Lbh unir gb or n onfgneq gb znxr vg, naq gung'f n snpg. Naq gur Orngyrf
1074ner gur ovttrfg onfgneqf ba rnegu.
1075 -- Wbua Yraaba
1076%
1077"Lbh unir gb ertneq rirelguvat V fnl jvgu fhfcvpvba -- V znl or gelvat
1078gb ohyyfuvg lbh, be V znl whfg or ohyyfuvggvat lbh vanqiregragyl."
1079 -- W. Jnvajevtug, Zngurzngvpf 140o
1080%
1081Lbh znl abg or noyr gb whqtr n obbx ol vgf pbire, ohg lbh fher nf uryy pna
1082gryy ubj zhpu vg'f tbvat gb pbfg.
1083%
1084Lbh frr gung shpxvat svfu? Vs ur'q xrcg uvf zbhgu fuhg, ur jbhyqa'gn tbg
1085pnhtug.
1086 -- Fnz Tvnapnan
1087%
1088Lbh fubhyq or n urzbeeubvq, lbh'er fhpu n cnva va gur nff.
1089%
1090
1091
1092
1093(10) Not everybody looks good naked.
1094 (9) Joe Garagiola was a hell of an emcee.
1095 (8) Joe Cocker really should stick with decaffeinated coffee.
1096 (7) Fringe! Fringe! Fringe!
1097 (6) If you've got 72 hours to kill, you can probably find room for Sha Na Na.
1098 (5) Never attend an event with a 50,000 to 1 person to Port-A-San ratio.
1099 (4) Bellbottoms will never go out of style.
1100 (3) A drum solo cannot be too long.
1101 (2) I, David Letterman, will never rent out my farm again.
1102 (1) We are stardust. We are golden. We are going to look really stupid to
1103 future generations.
1104 -- David Letterman, Top Ten Lessons of Woodstock
1105%
1106A bar patron returned from the men's room grumbling to himself.
1107 "What's the trouble, buddy?" the bartender inquired.
1108 "You got John Wayne toilet paper in there!"
1109 "What do you mean?" the barkeeper asked.
1110 "It's rough, it's tough, and it doesn't take shit from nobody."
1111%
1112A bear and a rabbit are taking a crap in the woods. The bear looks
1113over at the rabbit and asks, "Say, does shit ever stick to your fur?"
1114 "No."
1115So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.
1116%
1117A grade school teacher, who was doing a unit on World War II heard that
1118the father of one of her students had been a fighter pilot during the war
1119with one of the Scandinavian Air Forces. She invited him to come in and
1120speak to the class. The guy was more than happy to talk, and began with
1121a story about a morning patrol where he had been nearly shot down.
1122 "We had been up for about 20 minutes flying over enemy held
1123territory, when we noticed, just in time, 3 fokkers diving on us from above."
1124At the first mention of `fokkers' the class giggled a little bit.
1125 "Our group broke formation, and began the dog-fighting. As we
1126fought, we noticed 2 more fokkers coming at us from above and 2 more
1127fokkers, fresh from the landing field, come to join the battle".
1128At this second and third mention of `fokkers' the class was almost laughing
1129openly, and the teacher interrupted the story to ask the pilot to explain
1130to the class that a 'fokker' was a particular type of plane flown by the
1131German Air Force.
1132 He replied, "Ya, dat is true, but these fokkers were Messerschmidts".
1133%
1134 A man came home from work and as he entered the house he yelled,
1135"Hi, honey, I'm home."
1136 There was no response. He walked through the house and saw a note
1137on the refrigerator. It read "I'm out with the girls and I'll be home about
11388. Either fix yourself something to eat, or wait for me and we'll eat when
1139I get home."
1140 Well, he decided to wait until his wife returned. However, his
1141stomach started to growl and he remembered that he had an apple left over
1142from his lunch. He got the apple, polished it a little, and heard the
1143doorbell ring. He went to the door and there stood a little blond haired
1144girl holding out a little paper bag. "Trick or treat", she said.
1145 He looked at the girl, looked at the apple, thought how hungry he
1146was, looked at the girl again, and with a slight sigh dropped his apple in
1147the bag. The little girl looked down in the bag, looked up again, and
1148complained, "You stupid son-of-a-bitch. You broke my cookies!"
1149%
1150A nuclear family is out golfing one day, when it becomes clear that Dad isn't
1151going to win any trophies, at least on this course. On the 3rd hole, after
1152two miserable bogies, he misses a two foot putt and exclaims, "Shit!"
1153 His wife glances over at their sixteen year old daughter and says
1154nothing.
1155 On the fourth hole Dad tees off with an incredible hook, and, after
1156the inevitable exclamation, his wife reproves him with "Honey!"
1157 This continues on, with his golfing getting worse and his wife getting
1158more and more upset about his language. Finally, on the 17th hole, he again
1159misses a very easy putt. Flinging his club down, he curses the hole, the
1160club, and the sunset, using the word "fuck" for the first time. His wife
1161whirls around and cries, "Honey! Our daughter is standing right next to you!"
1162 Feeling remorseful, but somewhat defensive, he turns to the
1163daughter and says, "Well, Cindy, you've heard that word before, haven't
1164you?"
1165 "Yes," the daughter replies, "but never in anger."
1166%
1167A retired schoolteacher finally decided that she was tired of living alone
1168and wanted some companionship, so after a good deal of thought she decided
1169to visit the local pet shop. The owner suggested a parrot, with which she
1170could conduct a civilized conversation. This seemed to be an excellent
1171idea, so she bought a handsome parrot, sat him on a perch in her living room,
1172and said, "Say 'Pretty boy.'" Silence from the bird. "Come on now, say
1173'Pretty boy ... pretty boy.'"
1174 At long last, disgustedly, the bird said, "Oh, shit."
1175 Shocked, the schoolteacher said, "Just for that, you get five minutes
1176in the refrigerator." Five minutes later she put the shivering bird back on
1177its perch and said, "Now let's hear it: 'Pretty boy ... pretty boy.'"
1178 "Damn it, wouldja lay off, lady?" said the parrot.
1179 Outraged, the woman grabbed the bird, said, "That's it! Ten minutes
1180in the freezer," and slammed the door on him.
1181 Hopping about to keep warm, what does the parrot come across but a
1182big frozen turkey waiting for Thanksgiving. Startled, he squawks, "My God,
1183you must have told the bitch to go fuck herself!"
1184%
1185A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature
1186replaces it with.
1187 -- Tennessee Williams
1188%
1189A young New York housewife was shocked by some of the language used by her
1190daughter. When asked about it, the daughter said she had learned it from
1191a small girl she played with in the park. The next day, the mother sought
1192out the little girl as she played in the park. "Are you the little girl
1193who uses bad words?"
1194 "Who told you?"
1195 "A little bird," answered the mother.
1196 "Well, I like that!" exclaimed the small girl. "And I've been
1197feeding the little bastards, too!"
1198%
1199After making a daring escape from the penitentiary, the convict eluded
1200bloodhounds and police roadblocks and dodged helicopter searchlights on
1201his way to see his wife. Finally sneaking in the back entrance, he knocked
1202on the door and smiled triumphantly as she opened it. "Where the hell have
1203you been?" she blared. "You busted out more than six hours ago!"
1204%
1205As near as I can tell, you're not any crazier than the average asshole
1206on the street.
1207 -- R.P. McMurphy, "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest"
1208%
1209As they say about Dungeons and Dragons, "Life's a die, and then you bitch."
1210%
1211Ask your boss to reconsider --
1212
1213It's so difficult to take "Go to hell" for an answer.
1214%
1215 At his sentencing, Herbie Sperling proved that he was the all-time
1216stand-up guy.
1217 Sperling's lawyer made a lengthy, impassioned plea for his client.
1218He talked of mercy, justice, humanity to fellow men who have chosen the wrong
1219path. Yes, the crimes were serious, yes, Mr. Sperling deserves a prison
1220sentence, but the maximum sentence was not warranted.
1221 Then the judge turned to Sperling. "Mr. Sperling, is there anything
1222you wish to say?"
1223 "Yes, Your Honor. If you think I'm going to beg for mercy, you've
1224got another think coming. You're all a bunch of fucking fascist cocksuckers,
1225you can all go to hell, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you..."
1226 -- Gregory Wallace, "Papa's Game"
1227%
1228Been through hell?
1229
1230What did you bring back for me?
1231%
1232Better a sister in a whorehouse than a brother on a Honda.
1233%
1234Blow it out your ass!
1235%
1236Call things by their right names... Glass of brandy and water! That is the
1237current but not the appropriate name: ask for a glass of fire and distilled
1238damnation.
1239 -- Robert Hall, in Olinthus Gregory's, "Brief Memoir of the
1240 Life of Hall"
1241
1242 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
1243 referring to logical names.]
1244%
1245Churchill was known to drain a glass or two and, after one
1246particularly convivial evening, he chanced to encounter Miss Bessie Braddock,
1247a Socialist member of the House of Commons, who, upon seeing his condition,
1248said, "Winston, you're drunk." Mustering all his dignity, Churchill drew
1249himself up to his full height, cocked an eyebrow and rejoined, "Shove it up
1250your ass, you ugly cunt."
1251 When the noted playwright George Bernard Shaw sent him two tickets to
1252the opening night of his new play with a note that read: "Bring a friend, if
1253you have one," Churchill, not to be outdone, promptly wired back: "You and
1254your play can go fuck yourselves."
1255 At an elegant dinner party, Lady Astor once leaned across the table
1256to remark, "If you were my husband, Winston, I'd poison your coffee." "And
1257if you were my wife, I'd beat the shit out of you," came Churchill's
1258unhesitating retort.
1259 -- "The Churchill Wit", National Lampoon
1260%
1261Confucius say too damn much!
1262%
1263"Daddy?"
1264
1265"Yes son."
1266
1267"Wha-wha-wha-what does regret mean?"
1268
1269"Well, son, a funny thing about regret is that it's better to regret
1270something you have done, than to regret something you haven't done. And
1271by the way, if you see your Mom this weekend, would be you sure and tell
1272her, `SATAN, SATAN, SATAN!!!'"
1273 -- Butthole Surfers, "Sweat Loaf"
1274%
1275"Dammit, man, that's unprofessional! A good bartender laughs anyway!"
1276%
1277Damn braces.
1278 -- William Blake, "Proverbs of Hell"
1279%
1280DAMN IT, I GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE!
1281%
1282Damn, I need a Coke!
1283 -- Dr. William DeVries
1284 [after implanting the first artificial human heart]
1285%
1286"Don't come back until you have him", the Tick-Tock Man said quietly,
1287sincerely, extremely dangerously.
1288
1289They used dogs. They used probes. They used cardio plate crossoffs.
1290They used teepers. They used bribery. They used stick tites. They used
1291intimidation. They used torment. They used torture. They used finks.
1292They used cops. They used search and seizure. They used fallaron. They
1293used betterment incentives. They used finger prints. They used the
1294bertillion system. They used cunning. They used guile. They used treachery.
1295They used Raoul-Mitgong but he wasn't much help. They used applied physics.
1296They used techniques of criminology. And what the hell, they caught him.
1297 -- Harlan Ellison, "Repent, Harlequin, said the Tick-Tock Man"
1298%
1299Don't just eat a hamburger; eat the HELL out of it.
1300 -- J.R. "Bob" Dobbs
1301%
1302DROP THE DAMN BEAR!!!
1303 -- The Adventurer
1304%
1305During the darkest days of World War II, when each night brought waves of
1306Luftwaffe bombers raining death and destruction on a near-defenseless London,
1307Prime Minister Churchill went on the air to address the British people. "I
1308read this morning's paper that Herr Hitler plans to wring England's neck like
1309that of a chicken," he began, "and I was reminded of what the Irish poacher
1310said as he stood on the gallows. It seems the poor fellow was approached by a
1311well-meaning if somewhat overzealous priest who, in horrific detail, described
1312the unfading torments of Hades which awaited him if he did not repent of his
1313misdeeds. The condemned man listened patiently to all that the priest had to
1314say, and when he was done, grinned broadly and replied, 'Eat it raw, fuzz
1315nuts.'"
1316 -- "The Churchill Wit", National Lampoon
1317%
1318Early to bed and early to rise makes a man a helluva big nuisance.
1319%
1320Eat shit and die a virgin!
1321%
1322Egotism is the anesthetic given by a kindly nature to relieve the pain
1323of being a damned fool.
1324 -- Bellamy Brooks
1325%
1326Every morning, the crowd on Coney Island beach was startled to see
1327a jogger with the build of a pro football player but a head the size of a
1328baseball. Finally, some brave young man got up the nerve to stop him and
1329ask, "What happened to give you such a small head?"
1330 The jogger sadly told the story of finding a magic lamp on the beach,
1331which produced a beautiful genie when rubbed. The genie said, "I now give
1332you one wish. Do you want a quick fuck or a little head?"
1333%
1334Fie for shame, you lascivious, lewd, lecherous, libidinous, lustful,
1335licentious, dirty bum!!
1336%
1337Fig Newton.
1338%
1339Folks, what can I tell you about my next guest. This cat allowed himself
1340to be adored, but not loved. And his success in show business was matched
1341by failure in his personal relationship bag, now that's where he really
1342bombed. And he came to believe that work, show business, love, his whole
1343life, even himself and all that jazz was bullshit. He became numero uno
1344gameplayer. Uh, to the point where he didn't know where the games ended
1345and the reality began. Like to this cat, the only reality... is death, man.
1346Ladies and gentlemen, let me lay on you, a so-so entertainer, not much of
1347a humanitarian, and this cat was never nobody's friend. In his final
1348appearance on the great stage of life, uh, you can applaud if you want to,
1349Mr. Joe Gideon!!
1350 -- All That Jazz
1351%
1352Fuck art; let's dance!
1353%
1354Fuck off and die!
1355%
1356Fuck you and anybody who looks like you.
1357%
1358Fuck'em if they can't take a joke!
1359%
1360GET OFF THE FUCKING SYSTEM THIS INSTANT, YOU ASSHOLE!!!!
1361%
1362Get your bytes from our backend!
1363 -- Britton Lee
1364%
1365Getting an education at the University of California is like having
1366$50.00 shoved up your ass, a nickel at a time.
1367%
1368Give me the Luxuries, and the Hell with the Necessities!
1369%
1370Grain grows best in shit.
1371 -- Ursula K. LeGuin
1372%
1373Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.
1374%
1375Gravity is an unforgiving motherfucker.
1376%
1377Hardly a pure science, history is closer to animal husbandry than it is to
1378mathematics, in that it involves selective breeding. The principal difference
1379between the husbandryman and the historian is that the former breeds sheep
1380or cows or such, and the latter breeds (assumed) facts. The husbandryman uses
1381his skills to enrich the future; the historian uses his to enrich the past.
1382Both are usually up to their ankles in bullshit.
1383 -- Tom Robbins
1384%
1385Have you ever met a man of good character where women are concerned?
1386
1387Well, I haven't. I find that whenever a woman becomes friends with me,
1388she becomes jealous, exacting, suspicious, and a damn nuisance; and
1389whenever I become friends with a woman, I become selfish and tyrannical.
1390So here I am, Pickering, a confirmed old bachelor and very likely to
1391remain so.
1392 -- Henry Higgins, "My Fair Lady"
1393%
1394Have you ever wondered what makes Californians so calm? Besides drugs, I
1395mean. The answer is hot tubs. A hot tub is a redwood container filled with
1396water that you sit in naked with members of the opposite sex, none of whom
1397is necessarily your spouse. After a few hours in their hot tubs,
1398Californians don't give a damn about earthquakes or mass murderers. They
1399don't give a damn about anything , which is why they are able to produce
1400"Laverne and Shirley" week after week.
1401 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
1402%
1403He who hesitates is a damned fool.
1404 -- Mae West
1405%
1406He who trains his tongue to quote the learned sages, will be known far
1407and wide as a smart ass.
1408 -- Howard Kandel
1409%
1410"He's not pining, he's passed on! This parrot won't squawk! He's
1411ceased to be! He's expired, and gone to meet his maker! It's a
1412stiff! No breath of life, he may rest in peace! If you hadn't nailed
1413him to the perch, he'd be pushing up the daisies! He's off the twig!
1414He's kicked the bucket! He's curled up his tooties! He's shuffled off
1415this mortal world! He's run down the curtain, and joined the bleed'n
1416Choir Invincible! HE'S FUCKING SNUFFED IT! Vis-a-vi his metabolic
1417processes is head is lost. All statements concerning this parrot is no
1418longer a going concern, after from now on, Inoperative...
1419
1420 THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!!
1421%
1422Hell's broken loose.
1423 -- Robert Greene
1424%
1425Hell, if you don't try to remake someone, how are they supposed to know
1426you care?
1427%
1428Here is the problem: for many years, the Supreme Court wrestled with the issue
1429of pornography, until finally Associate Justice John Paul Stevens came up with
1430the famous quotation about how he couldn't define pornography, but he knew it
1431when he saw it. So for a while, the court's policy was to have all the
1432suspected pornography trucked to Justice Stevens' house, where he would look it
1433over. "Nope, this isn't it," he'd say. "Bring some more." This went on until
1434one morning when his housekeeper found him trapped in the recreation room under
1435an enormous mound of rubberized implements, and the court had to issue a ruling
1436stating that it didn't know what the hell pornography was except that it was
1437illegal and everybody should stop badgering the court about it because the
1438court was going to take a nap.
1439 -- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
1440%
1441Horsecrap, little brother. There's always something more to be done.
1442Another palm to be greased. Another back to be scratched. Another
1443weak sister to be shored up.
1444 -- J.R. Ewing
1445%
1446Howard Cosell's biggest protrusion is his asshole.
1447 -- John Valby
1448%
1449I am fairly unrepentant about her poetry. I really think that three quarters
1450of it is gibberish. However, I must crush down these thoughts otherwise the
1451dove of peace will shit on me.
1452 -- Noel Coward on Edith Sitwell
1453%
1454I came; I saw; I fucked up.
1455%
1456I can't quite put my finger on it, but something about you pisses me off.
1457 -- Peter Knight
1458%
1459 I disapprove of the F-word, not because it's dirty, but because we
1460use it as a substitute for thoughtful insults, and it frequently leads to
1461violence. What we ought to do, when we anger each other, say, in traffic,
1462is exchange phone numbers, so that later on, when we've had time to think
1463of witty and learned insults or look them up in the library, we could call
1464each other up:
1465 You: Hello? Bob?
1466 Bob: Yes?
1467 You: This is Ed. Remember? The person whose parking space you
1468 took last Thursday? Outside of Sears?
1469 Bob: Oh yes! Sure! How are you, Ed?
1470 You: Fine, thanks. Listen, Bob, the reason I'm calling is:
1471 "Madam, you may be drunk, but I am ugly, and ..." No, wait.
1472 I mean: "you may be ugly, but I am Winston Churchill
1473 and ..." No, wait. (Sound of reference book thudding onto
1474 the floor.) S-word. Excuse me. Look, Bob, I'm going to
1475 have to get back to you.
1476 Bob: Fine.
1477 -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!"
1478%
1479I don't know why women get so upset, they have half the money and all the pussy.
1480 -- Gary Bussy, "DC Cab"
1481%
1482I don't love you, asshole, I love your daughter.
1483 -- The Undergraduate
1484%
1485"I had to censor everything my sons watched ... even on the Mary Tyler
1486Moore show I heard the word 'damn'!"
1487 -- Mary Lou Bax
1488%
1489I love this fucking University, and this University loves fucking me.
1490%
1491I played over the music of that scoundrel Brahms. What a giftless
1492bastard! It annoys me that this self-inflated mediocrity is hailed
1493as a genius. Why, in comparison with him, Riff is a genius.
1494 -- Tchaikovsky, October 9, 1886, diary entry
1495%
1496I think we can all agree that there is not enough common courtesy shown ...
1497HEY! PAY ATTENTION WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU DAMMIT! I said I think we can
1498all agree that there is not enough common courtesy shown today. When we take
1499the time to be courteous to each other, we find that we are happier and less
1500likely to engage in nuclear war. This point was driven home by the recent
1501summit talks, where Nancy Reagan and Raisa Gorbachev, each of whose husband
1502thinks the other's husband is vermin, were able to sit down at a high-level
1503tea and engage in courteous conversation ...
1504 -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"
1505%
1506I wouldn't mind dying --
1507
1508it's that business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.
1509 -- R. Geis
1510%
1511I'd rather be led to hell than managed to heavan.
1512%
1513I'm sorry I'm late folks, I just got out of jail. I tried to change my
1514girlfriend's name. Yeah, I went down to the hall of records. I said, "I'd
1515like to change it... I'd like to change it to... LYING LITTLE BITCH!"
1516 -- Sam Kinison
1517%
1518I've been watching you closely to see if you have been good this year;
1519and since you have, I will be telling my elves to make some goodies for me
1520to leave under your tree on Christmas. I was going to bring you all the
1521gifts from the twelve days of Christmas, but we had a little problem up here.
1522The twelve fiddlers fiddling have all come down with V.D. from fiddling with
1523the ten ladies dancing, the eleven lords-a-leaping have knocked up the eight
1524maids-a-milking, and the nine pipers piping have been arrested for doing
1525weird things to the seven swans-a-swimming and the six geese-a-laying. The
1526four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves, and the partridge
1527in the pear tree have me up to my ass in birdshit. On top of all this, Mrs.
1528Claus is going through menopause, eight of my reindeer are in heat, the elves
1529have joined gay liberation, and those dumb ass Polacks have scheduled
1530Christmas for the fifth of February. I'll do what I can.
1531 Sincerely,
1532 Santa
1533%
1534If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a
1535damn fool about it.
1536 -- W.C. Fields
1537
1538[Also attributed to Roy Mengot. Ed.]
1539%
1540If it's not one thing, it's a mother.
1541%
1542If life's a piece of shit, Calculus III is the spoon.
1543%
1544If today is the first day of the rest of your life, what the hell was yesterday?
1545%
1546If you don't ride a camel to work, you ain't Sheeite.
1547%
1548 If you work for a man, in heaven's name, work for him.
1549 If he pays you wages which supply you bread and butter, work for him;
1550speak well of him; stand by him, and by the institution he represents.
1551 If put to a pinch, an ounce of loyalty is worth a pound of cleverness.
1552 If you must vilify, condemn and eternally find disparage -- resign your
1553position, and when you are outside, damn to your heart's content... but, as
1554long as you are part of the institution do not condemn it.
1555 If you do that, you are loosening the tendrils that are holding you to
1556the institution, and at the first high wind that comes along, you will
1557be uprooted and blown away, and probably will never know the reason why.
1558%
1559If you're going to break up with your old lady and you live in a small
1560town, make sure you don't break up at three in the morning. Because you're
1561screwed -- there's nothing to do ... So make it about nine in the morning,
1562... bullshit around, worry her a little, then come back at seven in the
1563night.
1564 -- Lenny Bruce
1565%
1566In the beginning was the DEMO Project. And the Project was without form.
1567And darkness was upon the staff members thereof. So they spake unto
1568their Division Head, saying, "It is a crock of shit, and it stinks."
1569
1570And the Division Head spake unto his Department Head, saying,
1571"It is a crock of excrement and none may abide the odor thereof."
1572Now, the Department Head spake unto his Directorate Head, saying,
1573"It is a container of excrement, and is very strong, such that none
1574may abide before it." And it came to pass that the Directorate Head
1575spake unto the Assistant Technical Director, saying, "It is a vessel
1576of fertilizer and none may abide by its strength."
1577
1578And the assistant Technical Director spake thus unto the Technical
1579Director, saying, "It containeth that which aids growth and it is
1580very strong." And, Lo, the Technical Director spake then unto the
1581Captain, saying, "The powerful new Project will help promote the
1582growth of the Laboratories."
1583
1584And the Captain looked down upon the Project, and He saw that it was Good!
1585%
1586Inspite of all evidence to the contrary, the entire universe is composed of
1587only two basic substances: magic and bullshit.
1588%
1589It is a sad commentary on today's society that this fortune has to be
1590classified as "offensive" simply because it contains the word "fuck".
1591%
1592It may not be funny, but it's damned amusing!
1593%
1594It seems there were two young Marines walking down the street, and
1595they chanced upon a lady who was both very proper and very well endowed.
1596One of them said, "Wow! What tits! Hey lady, would I love to snuggle up with
1597them for awhile. What are you doing this afternoon?"
1598
1599Well, the other Marine thought that was just about the most shameful
1600thing he had ever witnessed, and felt that he had to restore the honor of the
1601Corps. "Pardon my friend, Ma'am," he apologized, "He's not been very well
1602brought up and don't know how to talk to cunt."
1603%
1604It used to be a man's world, and the woman's place was in the home.
1605They can kiss that shit goodbye.
1606%
1607It was almost closing time when a male patron who had been getting the
1608frosty treatment from a girl at the end of the bar called to the
1609bartender and said, "Give that bitchy douche bag over there one on me."
1610 "We discourage that sort of language here, sir," the bartender
1611answered sternly.
1612 "OK, OK. Serve the lady a cocktail with my compliments."
1613 The bartender approached the female in question. "The, uh, gentleman
1614at the other end of the bar would like to buy you a drink, miss. What would
1615you like?"
1616 "Vinegar and water."
1617%
1618It's a bit hard to bullshit the ocean. It's not listening, you know
1619what I mean.
1620 -- David Crosby
1621%
1622It's a bitch being butch.
1623%
1624It's a damn poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word.
1625 -- Andrew Jackson
1626%
1627It's better to be pissed off than pissed on.
1628%
1629It's so fuckin' great to be alive!
1630%
1631Life is a bitch, but the puppies can be cute.
1632%
1633Life is a shit sandwich, and every day you get to take another bite.
1634It's just that some days are TWO BITE days ...
1635%
1636Life is having a mother-in-law that sucks and a wife that don't.
1637 -- Rodney Dangerfield
1638%
1639Life is like a cucumber --
1640
1641one moment it's in your hand, the next it's up your ass.
1642%
1643Life is like a shit sandwich.
1644
1645The more bread you have, the less shit you have to eat.
1646%
1647Life is not a cabaret.
1648It's a fucking circus.
1649%
1650Life isn't a bitch. Life is a virgin. A bitch is easy.
1651%
1652Look out for yourself -- or they'll pee on your grave.
1653 -- Louis B. Mayer
1654
1655The reason so many people showed up at Louis B. Mayer's funeral was because
1656they wanted to make sure he was dead.
1657 -- Samuel Goldwyn
1658%
1659Love is a slippery eel that bites like hell.
1660 -- Matt Groening
1661%
1662Many a man has decided to stay alive not because of the will to live, but
1663because of the determination not to give assorted surviving bastards the
1664satisfaction of his death.
1665 -- Brendan Francis
1666%
1667 McQuillan was on the stand. The case involved a railroad and several of
1668the passengers who were injured.
1669 "You say," thundered the counsel for the railroad, "that you saw
1670the two trains crash head on while doing sixty miles an hour. What did you
1671think when you saw this happen ?"
1672 I thought," replied the Irishman, "this is one *helluva* way to run
1673a railroad."
1674%
1675Me, I love the rich. *Somebody* has to love them. Sure, a lot of rich
1676people are assholes, but believe me, a lot of poor people are assholes too.
1677And an asshole with money can at least pay for his own drinks.
1678 -- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume"
1679%
1680Megaton Man: "LOOK at them! Helpless, tender creatures, relying on
1681 ME, waiting for ME to make my move!"
1682
1683(from below): "Move your ASS, Fat-head!"
1684
1685Megaton Man: "It is a MANDATE, and I am DUTY BOUND to OBEY!"
1686%
1687Moody bitch in search of...
1688 kind, considerate, loving man. Objective, love-hate relationship.
1689%
1690Moody bitch with attitude, seeks nice, good-looking guy to dump on.
1691%
1692Most people wouldn't know music if it came up and bit them on the ass.
1693 -- Frank Zappa
1694%
1695My advice to the women's clubs of America is to raise more hell and fewer
1696dahlias.
1697 -- William Allen White
1698%
1699My brother-in-law has found a way to make ends meet. He goes around
1700with his head stuck up his ass.
1701%
1702Never fly under a seagull - they'll shit on your airplane.
1703 -- Gordon Cooper
1704%
1705 "Never send a MAN to do a WOMAN'S work! Why do you think I CAME here?"
1706 "Not for the good of my ego, that was for damn sure."
1707%
1708No matter how clever the hardware boys are, the software boys piss it away.
1709%
1710Non Illegitimus Carborundum.
1711 [Don't let the bastards wear you down.]
1712%
1713Obscene? Obscene is young men being trained to drop fire on people, but
1714their commanders not allowing them to write "fuck" on their airplanes
1715because it's obscene.
1716%
1717Obscenity is the crutch of inarticulate motherfuckers.
1718%
1719Old mercenaries never die. They go to hell and regroup.
1720%
1721 On the day of his anniversary, Joe was frantically shopping
1722around for a present for his wife. He knew what she wanted, a
1723grandfather clock for the living room, but he found the right one almost
1724impossible to find. Finally, after many hours of searching, Joe found
1725just the clock he wanted, but the store didn't deliver. Joe, desperate,
1726paid the shopkeeper, hoisted the clock onto his back, and staggered out
1727onto the sidewalk. On the way home, he passed a bar. Just as he reached
1728the door, a drunk stumbled out and crashed into Joe, sending himself,
1729Joe, and the clock into the gutter. Murphy's law being in effect, the
1730clock ended up in roughly a thousand pieces.
1731 "You stupid drunk!" screamed Joe, jumping up from the wreckage.
1732"Why don't you look where the hell you're going!"
1733 With quiet dignity the drunk stood up somewhat unsteadily and
1734dusted himself off. "And why don't you just wear a wristwatch like a
1735normal person?"
1736%
1737Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to
1738fly south for the winter. However, soon after the weather turned cold,
1739the sparrow changed his mind and reluctantly started to fly south.
1740After a short time, ice began to form his on his wings and he fell to
1741earth in a barnyard almost frozen. A cow passed by and crapped on this
1742little bird and the sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure
1743warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy the little sparrow
1744began to sing. Just then, a large Tom cat came by and hearing the
1745chirping investigated the sounds. As Old Tom cleared away the manure,
1746he found the chirping bird and promptly ate him.
1747
1748There are three morals to this story:
1749
1750(1) Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy.
1751(2) Everyone who gets you out of shit is not necessarily your friend.
1752(3) If you are warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut.
1753%
1754One day a little polar bear cub says to his mother, "Mommy, am I really
1755a polar bear?"
1756 "Why of course you are, honey!" his mother replies. "You live at
1757the North Pole and you swim under the ice to catch fish. You play on the
1758ice floes and you romp through the snow and chase seals. Of *course* you're
1759a polar bear. Why do you ask?"
1760 "Because," says the little cub, "I'm fuckin' freezing!"
1761%
1762Ours is a world where people don't know what they want and are willing
1763to go through hell to get it.
1764%
1765Pardon me, sir, but you've obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a shit.
1766%
1767People who write position papers often find themselves in an
1768enviable position. They are hired to write papers for both sides of the
1769position.
1770 A good position paper will have many words in it like
1771"superincumbence," "egress," and "plurification."
1772 You will not often find the phrase "lightweight dropcase
1773limp-wristed motherfucker" in a serious position paper.
1774 Charts and multiplication tables should always be included in
1775position papers. They should look complicated enough to make Albert
1776Einstein stagger across the room for a Tylenol.
1777 A good position paper will never underestimate the value of a
1778semicolon.
1779 -- Dan Jenkins, "Baja Oklahoma"
1780%
1781People will swim through shit if you put a few bob in it.
1782 -- Peter Sellers
1783%
1784Psychotherapy is the theory that the patient will probably get well anyhow
1785and is certainly a damn fool.
1786 -- H. L. Mencken
1787%
1788Shit happens.
1789%
1790 Shortly after Churchill had grown a moustache, he was accosted by a
1791certain young lady whose political views were in direct opposition to his
1792own. Fancying herself something of a wag, she exclaimed, "Mr. Churchill, I
1793care for neither your politics nor your moustache." Unabashed, the young
1794statesman regarded her quietly for a moment, the wryly commented, "Suck my
1795dick."
1796 While serving as a subaltern in the Boer War, the young Churchill was
1797asked by a superior officer to give his opinion of the Boers as soldiers.
1798 "They're assholes, sir," he ventured, then paused briefly and added, with a
1799whimsical smile, "They're assholes."
1800 Churchill was given to reading in the bathtub and, while staying at
1801the White House, he once became so engrossed in an account of the Battle of
1802Fonteney that he forgot President Roosevelt was due to drop by to discuss the
1803upcoming conference in Yalta. At the appointed hour, the President was
1804wheeled into Churchill's quarters only to be informed that the Prime Minister
1805had not finished bathing. Roosevelt was about to apologize for the intrusion
1806and depart when Churchill, puffing his customary cigar, strode into the room
1807stark naked and greeted the nonplussed world leader with a terse, "What are
1808you staring at, homo?"
1809 -- "The Churchill Wit", National Lampoon
1810%
1811Silence can be the biggest lie of all. We have a responsibility to speak
1812up; and whenever the occasion calls for it, we have a responsibility to
1813raise bloody hell.
1814 -- Herbert Block
1815%
1816So you fucked up... you trusted us!
1817 -- Animal House
1818%
1819Some companies idea of playing ball is, you play ball with us,
1820and we'll stick the fucking bat up your ass.
1821%
1822Some of the management around here are the final proof that the Indians
1823fucked the buffalo.
1824%
1825Sometimes, you just gotta say "What the fuck."
1826 -- Risky Business
1827%
1828Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very'; your
1829editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
1830 -- Mark Twain
1831%
1832Success has many fathers, but failure is a bastard.
1833%
1834Tell you what," the haberdasher said to a persistent job applicant. "I've
1835got one suit I can't sell -- that purple, green and yellow number over there.
1836If you can make that sale, you've not only got the job, you've got it for
1837life."
1838 Then the store owner left for lunch. When he returned, he was shocked
1839to see the young man's clothes in tatters and his hands and face bleeding.
1840 "My God, what happened to you?"
1841 "I sold the suit! I sold the suit!" the young man shouted, a smile
1842on his bloodied lips.
1843 "Congratulations," the haberdasher said. "You've got the job. But
1844what happened? Did the customer start a fight?"
1845 "Oh, no," the new salesman replied. "But his Seeing Eye dog was
1846*pissed*."
1847%
1848The best number for a dinner party is two--myself and a damn good head waiter.
1849 -- Nubar Gulbenkian
1850%
1851The boys in the Epperson family all acquired fine educations except for Edward.
1852They made him go to school, but most of the time he just ignored what was said
1853there. Yet there were rare moments when he could display a bit of curiosity.
1854 One day Edward was sitting at home looking at a magazine, and he said
1855to his brilliant older brother, Hud, he said, "Hud, what does fox pass mean?"
1856 Brother Hud gave the question some deep consideration and then said,
1857"You must mean _faux_pas_."
1858 "The way it's spelled," said dumb Ed, "it's fox pass."
1859 Hud took a look at the way it was spelled and then said, "It's a French
1860phrase -- it means a social blunder. Remember last Sunday when the Bishop came
1861for dinner? Mother took him out in the garden and they were looking over the
1862roses when the Bishop got stuck on the thumb by a thorn. It was bleeding quite
1863a bit so Mother brought him in the house. They went into the bathroom together
1864and stayed quite a while, and when they came out we all went to the dinner
1865table. Remember all that, Ed?"
1866 "Yeh."
1867 "Now," Hud continued, "you recall that I was just getting to pass
1868the gravy when Mother said, 'Bishop, does your prick still throb?' The gravy
1869bowl flew out of my hands and hit the table, and the gravy splattered all
1870over everyone. And just at that point you, Brother Edward, you hollered,
1871'Sheee-itt!' You remember that?"
1872 "Yeh."
1873 "Well, when you hollered 'Sheee-itt!' that was a _faux_pas_."
1874%
1875The difference between graffiti and philosophy is the word "fuck".
1876%
1877 The famous Nell Gwynn, stepping one day from a house where she had
1878made a short visit into her coach, saw a great crowd assembled, and her
1879footman all bloody and dirty; the fellow being asked by his mistress, the
1880reason for his being in that condition, answered, "I have been fighting,
1881madam, with an impudent rascal who called your ladyship a whore."
1882 "You blockhead," replied Mrs. Gywnn, "at this rate you must fight
1883every day of your life; why, you fool, all the world knows it."
1884 "Do they?" cries the fellow, in a muttering voice, after he had shut
1885the coach door, "they shan't call me a whore's footman for all that."
1886 -- Henry Fielding, "Tom Jones"
1887%
1888The government was contemplating the dispatch of an expedition to Burma,
1889with a view to taking Rangoon, and a question arose as to who would be the
1890fittest general to be sent in command of the expedition. The Cabinet sent
1891for the Duke of Wellington, and asked his advice. He instantly replied,
1892"Send Lord Combermere."
1893 "But we have always understood that your Grace thought Lord
1894Combermere a fool."
1895 "So he is a fool, and a damned fool; but he can take Rangoon."
1896 -- G.W.E. Russell
1897%
1898The higher you climb, the more you show your ass.
1899 -- Alexander Pope, "The Dunciad"
1900%
1901The more crap you put up with, the more crap you're going to get.
1902%
1903... the most exquisitely squalid hells known to middle-class man:
1904freshman English at a Midwestern university.
1905 -- Tom Wolfe
1906%
1907The objective of all dedicated employees should be to thoroughly analyze
1908all situations, anticipate all problems prior to their occurrence, have
1909answers for these problems, and move swiftly to solve these problems
1910when called upon.
1911 However...
1912When you are up to your ass in alligators it is difficult to remind
1913yourself your initial objective was to drain the swamp.
1914%
1915The old man had lived all his life in a little house on the Vermont side of the
1916New Hampshire-Vermont border. One day, the surveyors came to inform him that
1917they had just discovered that he lived in New Hampshire, not Vermont.
1918 "Thank heavens!" was his heartfelt reply. "I don't think I could have
1919taken another one of those damned Vermont winters!"
1920%
1921The only thing faster than the speed of light is shit flowing downhill.
1922 -- Mike O'Dell
1923%
1924The only way you'll ever hear from me is if you're living in the same hell.
1925 -- Roy Harper
1926%
1927The road to hell is paved with good intentions. And littered with
1928sloppy analysis!
1929%
1930 THE TEN STAGES OF INTOXICATION
1931
1932 (1) WITTY AND CHARMING: This is after one or two drinks. The tongue
1933 is loosened and can yet remain in step with the brain. In the
1934 "witty and charming" state, one is likely to use foreign idioms
1935 and phrases such as "au contraire" in place of "Now way, Jose,"
1936 or "Bullsheyet".
1937 (2) RICH AND POWERFUL: By the third drink, you begin mentioning the
1938 little 380 SL you've had your eye on down at the Mercedes place.
1939 (3) BENEVOLENT: You'll buy her a Mercedes, too. It's only money.
1940 (4) JUST ONE MORE AND THEN WE'LL EAT: Stall tactic.
1941 (5) TO HELL WITH DINNER: Just one more and then we'll eat.
1942 (6) PATRIOTIC: The war stories begin.
1943 (7) CRANK UP THE "ENOLA GAY": "We could have won in Nam, but..."
1944 (8) INVISIBLE: So this is what the Ladies' Room looks like.
1945 (9) WITTY AND CHARMING PART II: You know, you don't sweat much for
1946 a fat girl.
1947 (10) BULLETPROOF: Bull-sheyet, gimme them keys, I can drive.
1948 -- Lewis Grizzard, "My Daddy Was a Pistol and I'm a Son
1949 of a Gun".
1950%
1951The time has come for kicking ass and taking names.
1952%
1953 The townspeople stood in despair as the fire that had begun in a diner
1954threatened to spread to adjoining homes. Just then, a truck filled with
1955farm workers came speeding down a hill toward the fire. The crowd moved
1956back and the truck drove right into the thickest of the flames. The workers
1957jumped out and beat at the fire with their coats, miraculously bringing the
1958blaze under control.
1959 The city fathers were so grateful for the men's heroism that they
1960gave each a plaque and $1000. After the ceremony, newsmen interviewed the
1961driver and asked him what he was going to do with the money.
1962 "You can be damned sure the first thing I'm gonna do," he replied,
1963"is get the brakes fixed on that son-of-a-bitchin' truck!"
1964%
1965The world is an 8000 mile in diameter spherical pile of shit.
1966%
1967There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies and statistics.
1968 -- Benjamin Disraeli
1969%
1970There are two sides to every divorce: yours and the shithead's.
1971%
1972There is always more hell that needs raising.
1973 -- Lauren Leveut
1974%
1975There's a man deeply in debt, see, and he takes the money he has left
1976and goes to Monte Carlo to try to recoup at the roulette tables. Won a
1977little, lost a lot, and was down to his last franc. Prayed for help.
1978A voice whispered in his ear: "Le rouge..." Man looked around; nobody
1979there. What the hell -- he puts his last franc on the red, and it won.
1980The voice immediately said, "Encore le rouge..." Played red again, and
1981it won again. The voice said, "Impair..." Played odd, and it won. Voice
1982said, "Quinze..." so he put all the money on 15, and it won. This went
1983on for hours, the voice telling him what to bet, and the man putting all
1984his money on what the voice said, and winning. Finally when the voice
1985spoke, the man protested that he'd won millions of dollars and wanted to
1986quit. The voice was inexorable: "Douze..." The man put the money on 12,
1987and 11 came up -- he had lost everything -- the voice murmured "Merde!!"
1988%
1989There's a tendency today to absolve individuals from moral responsibility and
1990treat them as victims of social circumstance. You buy that, you pay with your
1991soul. It's not men who limit women, it's not straights who limit gays, it's
1992not whites who limit blacks. What limits people is lack of character. What
1993limits people is that they don't have the fucking nerve or imagination to star
1994in their own movie, let alone direct it.
1995 -- Bernard Mickey Wrangle
1996%
1997They ought to make butt-flavored cat food.
1998 -- Gallagher
1999%
2000This guy makes an appointment with a doctor because his hemorrhoids are
2001really bothering him. The doctor gives him some suppositories and tells
2002him to come back in a week for a checkup. "How's it going?" he asks
2003the patient a week later.
2004 "I gotta tell you the truth, Doc," said the man. "For all the
2005good these pills did me, I coulda shoved them up my ass."
2006%
2007This guy walks into a bank and up to a female bank teller:
2008
2009Man: "I want to open a fuckin' savings account."
2010Teller: "Excuse me, sir?"
2011M: "Listen, bitch, I want to open a fuckin' savings account."
2012T: "Sir, I don't have to listen to this abusive language."
2013M: "LOOK! I just want to open a fuckin' savings account."
2014T: "Sir, you leave me no choice but to speak to the manager."
2015
2016The teller walks over and explains the customer's rude behavior to the bank
2017manager who then accompanies her back to the teller booth.
2018
2019Mgr: "Can I help you, sir?"
2020M: "I want to open a fuckin' savings account."
2021Mgr: "Please, sir, we'll be delighted to help you, but we must request
2022 that you not use abusive language to our tellers."
2023M: "Look. I just won $25 million in the state lottery and I want to
2024 open a fuckin' savings account!"
2025Mgr: "I see. And has this cunt been giving you any trouble?"
2026%
2027This is National Smokers-Are-Shits Week.
2028%
2029Today is gonna be one helluva week!
2030%
2031Tomorrow never comes! It's all the same fuckin' day, man!
2032 -- Janis Joplin
2033%
2034 Two little kids, aged six and eight, decide it's time to learn how to
2035swear. So, the eight-year-old says to the six-year-old, "Okay, you say
2036`ass' and I'll say `hell'".
2037 All excited about their plan, they troop downstairs, where their
2038mother asks them what they'd like for breakfast.
2039 "Aw, hell," says the eight-year-old, "gimme some Cheerios." His mother
2040backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling out of the room, and
2041turns to the younger brother. "What'll you have?"
2042 "I dunno," quavers the six-year-old, "but you can bet your ass it
2043ain't gonna be Cheerios."
2044%
2045Two morticians alternated in sharing the responsibility of covering
2046the night shift. One early morning about 3:00 am, a body was brought into the
2047mortuary, and the mortician began work. When he had unclothed the corpse, he
2048noticed a cork in the anus. Removing it, the strains of "Hello, Dolly, well,
2049hello, Dolly...!" were plainly heard being sung. He put the cork back, and
2050the singing stopped. Pulling it out again, the same song started, "You're
2051lookin' swell, Dolly!". Amazed, he telephoned his partner, and insisted he
2052come immediately to see something very unusual. Roused from sleep, the partner
2053asked if it could wait until morning. It took great persistence, but finally
2054the partner agreed to dress and come down to the shop. When he got there, he
2055said, "Now what was it that was so important you had to get me out of bed at
2056this ungodly hour?"
2057 The man said, "Come into the embalming room."
2058 They go into the embalming room, and the first partner says, "Now
2059watch."
2060 He pulls out the cork, and the anus takes off singing again. The
2061partner looks at him disgustedly and says: "You brought me down here at
2062three in the morning just to hear some asshole sing Hello Dolly"?
2063%
2064VYARZERZOMANIMORORSEZASSEZANSERAREORSES?
2065%
2066"Water? Never touch the stuff! Fish fuck in it."
2067 -- W. C. Fields
2068%
2069We aren't what we eat. We are what we don't shit.
2070 -- Hugh Romney
2071%
2072We call our dog Egypt, because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
2073%
2074We came, we saw, we kicked its ass!
2075 -- Bill Murray, "Ghostbusters"
2076%
2077We must remember the First Amendment which protects any shrill jackass
2078no matter how self-seeking.
2079 -- F. G. Withington
2080%
2081Well, now that SUN's in bed with AT&T, I sure hope she sleeps with her
2082back to the wall.
2083 -- Guy Harris, on AT&T buying 20% of SUN Microsystems
2084
2085Eat shit and die. Strong memo to follow.
2086 -- Mike O'Dell, on AT&T buying 20% of SUN Microsystems
2087%
2088 Well, there was this tiger, who woke up one morning, and just felt
2089great (yes, just like Tony the Tiger: GREAAAAAAT). Anyway, he just felt
2090so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at him: "WHO IS
2091THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"
2092 And this poor quaking little monkey replied: "You are of course, no
2093one is mightier than you."
2094 A little while later this tiger confronts a deer, and just bellows out:
2095"WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"
2096 The deer is shaking so hard it can barely speak, but manages to
2097stammer: "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle."
2098 The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered, up to an elephant that was
2099quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice: "WHO IS
2100THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?"
2101 Well, this elephant grabs the tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams
2102him down; picks him up again, and shakes him until the tiger is just a blur of
2103orange and black; and finally throws him violently into a nearby tree.
2104 The tiger staggers to his feet, looks at the elephant and says: "Man,
2105you don't have to get so pissed, just because you don't know the answer!"
2106%
2107Well, this woman went to the butcher shop to get some ham for dinner.
2108She asked the butcher what kind of ham he recommended, and the butcher said,
2109"Well ma'am, we got some Damn ham here for $3.50 a pound..." Needless to
2110say, she was surprised at the butcher's language! The butcher, who was
2111reasonably astute, noticed the alarmed look on the woman's face, and quickly
2112justified himself. "No, no, ma'am, I wasn't cursin', the NAME of this here
2113ham is "Damn ham". Amused, the woman requested some "Damn ham."
2114 That night, before dinner, the woman took her husband aside and
2115explained what had happened at the butcher shop. He also was amused, and
2116suggested that they play a joke on their son. So, at dinner, after grace,
2117the man turned to his wife and said, "Honey, pass the damn ham."
2118 Their son looked up, surprised. "WHOAH! Dad be gettin' hip!
2119How 'bout them mother-fuckin' potatoes?"
2120%
2121What the fuck, over?
2122%
2123What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.
2124%
2125When the shit hits the fan, keep your mouth shut!
2126%
2127Where the hell is Wall Drug?
2128%
2129Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?
2130 -- Harry Warner, Warner Bros. Pictures, c. 1927
2131%
2132Who took the MMMMMM out of MURINE?
2133%
2134Why doesn't everybody leave everybody else the hell alone?
2135 -- Jimmy Durante
2136%
2137Winning isn't everything, but losing really sucks.
2138%
2139Winter is nature's way of saying, "Up yours."
2140 -- Robert Byrne
2141%
2142Work like hell, tell everyone everything you know, close a deal with
2143a handshake, and have fun.
2144 -- Harold "Doc" Edgerton, summing up his life's philosophy,
2145 shortly before dying at the age of 86.
2146%
2147Would you mind terribly much if I asked you to take your silly-assed
2148problem down the hall?
2149%
2150Yesterday is a memory,
2151 Tomorrow is a vision,
2152 Today is a bitch!
2153%
2154You are without a doubt a rogue, a rascal, a villain, a thief, a scoundrel,
2155and a mean, dirty, stinking, sniveling, sneaking, pimping, pocketpicking,
2156thrice double-damned, no-good son-of-a-bitch.
2157%
2158You can find sympathy, in the dictionary, right near shit and suicide.
2159%
2160You can lead a whore to Vasser, but you can't make her think.
2161 -- Frederick B. Artz
2162%
2163You have been bitchy since Tuesday and you'll probably get fired today.
2164%
2165You have to be a bastard to make it, and that's a fact. And the Beatles
2166are the biggest bastards on earth.
2167 -- John Lennon
2168%
2169"You have to regard everything I say with suspicion -- I may be trying
2170to bullshit you, or I may just be bullshitting you inadvertently."
2171 -- J. Wainwright, Mathematics 140b
2172%
2173You may not be able to judge a book by its cover, but you sure as hell can
2174tell how much it's going to cost.
2175%
2176You see that fucking fish? If he'd kept his mouth shut, he wouldn'ta got
2177caught.
2178 -- Sam Giancana
2179%
2180You should be a hemorrhoid, you're such a pain in the ass.
2181%(10) Not everybody looks good naked.
2182 (9) Joe Garagiola was a hell of an emcee.
2183 (8) Joe Cocker really should stick with decaffeinated coffee.
2184 (7) Fringe! Fringe! Fringe!
2185 (6) If you've got 72 hours to kill, you can probably find room for Sha Na Na.
2186 (5) Never attend an event with a 50,000 to 1 person to Port-A-San ratio.
2187 (4) Bellbottoms will never go out of style.
2188 (3) A drum solo cannot be too long.
2189 (2) I, David Letterman, will never rent out my farm again.
2190 (1) We are stardust. We are golden. We are going to look really stupid to
2191 future generations.
2192 -- David Letterman, Top Ten Lessons of Woodstock
2193%
2194A bar patron returned from the men's room grumbling to himself.
2195 "What's the trouble, buddy?" the bartender inquired.
2196 "You got John Wayne toilet paper in there!"
2197 "What do you mean?" the barkeeper asked.
2198 "It's rough, it's tough, and it doesn't take shit from nobody."
2199%
2200A bear and a rabbit are taking a crap in the woods. The bear looks
2201over at the rabbit and asks, "Say, does shit ever stick to your fur?"
2202 "No."
2203So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.
2204%
2205A grade school teacher, who was doing a unit on World War II heard that
2206the father of one of her students had been a fighter pilot during the war
2207with one of the Scandinavian Air Forces. She invited him to come in and
2208speak to the class. The guy was more than happy to talk, and began with
2209a story about a morning patrol where he had been nearly shot down.
2210 "We had been up for about 20 minutes flying over enemy held
2211territory, when we noticed, just in time, 3 fokkers diving on us from above."
2212At the first mention of `fokkers' the class giggled a little bit.
2213 "Our group broke formation, and began the dog-fighting. As we
2214fought, we noticed 2 more fokkers coming at us from above and 2 more
2215fokkers, fresh from the landing field, come to join the battle".
2216At this second and third mention of `fokkers' the class was almost laughing
2217openly, and the teacher interrupted the story to ask the pilot to explain
2218to the class that a 'fokker' was a particular type of plane flown by the
2219German Air Force.
2220 He replied, "Ya, dat is true, but these fokkers were Messerschmidts".
2221%
2222 A man came home from work and as he entered the house he yelled,
2223"Hi, honey, I'm home."
2224 There was no response. He walked through the house and saw a note
2225on the refrigerator. It read "I'm out with the girls and I'll be home about
22268. Either fix yourself something to eat, or wait for me and we'll eat when
2227I get home."
2228 Well, he decided to wait until his wife returned. However, his
2229stomach started to growl and he remembered that he had an apple left over
2230from his lunch. He got the apple, polished it a little, and heard the
2231doorbell ring. He went to the door and there stood a little blond haired
2232girl holding out a little paper bag. "Trick or treat", she said.
2233 He looked at the girl, looked at the apple, thought how hungry he
2234was, looked at the girl again, and with a slight sigh dropped his apple in
2235the bag. The little girl looked down in the bag, looked up again, and
2236complained, "You stupid son-of-a-bitch. You broke my cookies!"
2237%
2238A nuclear family is out golfing one day, when it becomes clear that Dad isn't
2239going to win any trophies, at least on this course. On the 3rd hole, after
2240two miserable bogies, he misses a two foot putt and exclaims, "Shit!"
2241 His wife glances over at their sixteen year old daughter and says
2242nothing.
2243 On the fourth hole Dad tees off with an incredible hook, and, after
2244the inevitable exclamation, his wife reproves him with "Honey!"
2245 This continues on, with his golfing getting worse and his wife getting
2246more and more upset about his language. Finally, on the 17th hole, he again
2247misses a very easy putt. Flinging his club down, he curses the hole, the
2248club, and the sunset, using the word "fuck" for the first time. His wife
2249whirls around and cries, "Honey! Our daughter is standing right next to you!"
2250 Feeling remorseful, but somewhat defensive, he turns to the
2251daughter and says, "Well, Cindy, you've heard that word before, haven't
2252you?"
2253 "Yes," the daughter replies, "but never in anger."
2254%
2255A retired schoolteacher finally decided that she was tired of living alone
2256and wanted some companionship, so after a good deal of thought she decided
2257to visit the local pet shop. The owner suggested a parrot, with which she
2258could conduct a civilized conversation. This seemed to be an excellent
2259idea, so she bought a handsome parrot, sat him on a perch in her living room,
2260and said, "Say 'Pretty boy.'" Silence from the bird. "Come on now, say
2261'Pretty boy ... pretty boy.'"
2262 At long last, disgustedly, the bird said, "Oh, shit."
2263 Shocked, the schoolteacher said, "Just for that, you get five minutes
2264in the refrigerator." Five minutes later she put the shivering bird back on
2265its perch and said, "Now let's hear it: 'Pretty boy ... pretty boy.'"
2266 "Damn it, wouldja lay off, lady?" said the parrot.
2267 Outraged, the woman grabbed the bird, said, "That's it! Ten minutes
2268in the freezer," and slammed the door on him.
2269 Hopping about to keep warm, what does the parrot come across but a
2270big frozen turkey waiting for Thanksgiving. Startled, he squawks, "My God,
2271you must have told the bitch to go fuck herself!"
2272%
2273A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature
2274replaces it with.
2275 -- Tennessee Williams
2276%
2277A young New York housewife was shocked by some of the language used by her
2278daughter. When asked about it, the daughter said she had learned it from
2279a small girl she played with in the park. The next day, the mother sought
2280out the little girl as she played in the park. "Are you the little girl
2281who uses bad words?"
2282 "Who told you?"
2283 "A little bird," answered the mother.
2284 "Well, I like that!" exclaimed the small girl. "And I've been
2285feeding the little bastards, too!"
2286%
2287After making a daring escape from the penitentiary, the convict eluded
2288bloodhounds and police roadblocks and dodged helicopter searchlights on
2289his way to see his wife. Finally sneaking in the back entrance, he knocked
2290on the door and smiled triumphantly as she opened it. "Where the hell have
2291you been?" she blared. "You busted out more than six hours ago!"
2292%
2293As near as I can tell, you're not any crazier than the average asshole
2294on the street.
2295 -- R.P. McMurphy, "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest"
2296%
2297As they say about Dungeons and Dragons, "Life's a die, and then you bitch."
2298%
2299Ask your boss to reconsider --
2300
2301It's so difficult to take "Go to hell" for an answer.
2302%
2303 At his sentencing, Herbie Sperling proved that he was the all-time
2304stand-up guy.
2305 Sperling's lawyer made a lengthy, impassioned plea for his client.
2306He talked of mercy, justice, humanity to fellow men who have chosen the wrong
2307path. Yes, the crimes were serious, yes, Mr. Sperling deserves a prison
2308sentence, but the maximum sentence was not warranted.
2309 Then the judge turned to Sperling. "Mr. Sperling, is there anything
2310you wish to say?"
2311 "Yes, Your Honor. If you think I'm going to beg for mercy, you've
2312got another think coming. You're all a bunch of fucking fascist cocksuckers,
2313you can all go to hell, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you..."
2314 -- Gregory Wallace, "Papa's Game"
2315%
2316Been through hell?
2317
2318What did you bring back for me?
2319%
2320Better a sister in a whorehouse than a brother on a Honda.
2321%
2322Blow it out your ass!
2323%
2324Call things by their right names... Glass of brandy and water! That is the
2325current but not the appropriate name: ask for a glass of fire and distilled
2326damnation.
2327 -- Robert Hall, in Olinthus Gregory's, "Brief Memoir of the
2328 Life of Hall"
2329
2330 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
2331 referring to logical names.]
2332%
2333Churchill was known to drain a glass or two and, after one
2334particularly convivial evening, he chanced to encounter Miss Bessie Braddock,
2335a Socialist member of the House of Commons, who, upon seeing his condition,
2336said, "Winston, you're drunk." Mustering all his dignity, Churchill drew
2337himself up to his full height, cocked an eyebrow and rejoined, "Shove it up
2338your ass, you ugly cunt."
2339 When the noted playwright George Bernard Shaw sent him two tickets to
2340the opening night of his new play with a note that read: "Bring a friend, if
2341you have one," Churchill, not to be outdone, promptly wired back: "You and
2342your play can go fuck yourselves."
2343 At an elegant dinner party, Lady Astor once leaned across the table
2344to remark, "If you were my husband, Winston, I'd poison your coffee." "And
2345if you were my wife, I'd beat the shit out of you," came Churchill's
2346unhesitating retort.
2347 -- "The Churchill Wit", National Lampoon
2348%
2349Confucius say too damn much!
2350%
2351"Daddy?"
2352
2353"Yes son."
2354
2355"Wha-wha-wha-what does regret mean?"
2356
2357"Well, son, a funny thing about regret is that it's better to regret
2358something you have done, than to regret something you haven't done. And
2359by the way, if you see your Mom this weekend, would be you sure and tell
2360her, `SATAN, SATAN, SATAN!!!'"
2361 -- Butthole Surfers, "Sweat Loaf"
2362%
2363"Dammit, man, that's unprofessional! A good bartender laughs anyway!"
2364%
2365Damn braces.
2366 -- William Blake, "Proverbs of Hell"
2367%
2368DAMN IT, I GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE!
2369%
2370Damn, I need a Coke!
2371 -- Dr. William DeVries
2372 [after implanting the first artificial human heart]
2373%
2374"Don't come back until you have him", the Tick-Tock Man said quietly,
2375sincerely, extremely dangerously.
2376
2377They used dogs. They used probes. They used cardio plate crossoffs.
2378They used teepers. They used bribery. They used stick tites. They used
2379intimidation. They used torment. They used torture. They used finks.
2380They used cops. They used search and seizure. They used fallaron. They
2381used betterment incentives. They used finger prints. They used the
2382bertillion system. They used cunning. They used guile. They used treachery.
2383They used Raoul-Mitgong but he wasn't much help. They used applied physics.
2384They used techniques of criminology. And what the hell, they caught him.
2385 -- Harlan Ellison, "Repent, Harlequin, said the Tick-Tock Man"
2386%
2387Don't just eat a hamburger; eat the HELL out of it.
2388 -- J.R. "Bob" Dobbs
2389%
2390DROP THE DAMN BEAR!!!
2391 -- The Adventurer
2392%
2393During the darkest days of World War II, when each night brought waves of
2394Luftwaffe bombers raining death and destruction on a near-defenseless London,
2395Prime Minister Churchill went on the air to address the British people. "I
2396read this morning's paper that Herr Hitler plans to wring England's neck like
2397that of a chicken," he began, "and I was reminded of what the Irish poacher
2398said as he stood on the gallows. It seems the poor fellow was approached by a
2399well-meaning if somewhat overzealous priest who, in horrific detail, described
2400the unfading torments of Hades which awaited him if he did not repent of his
2401misdeeds. The condemned man listened patiently to all that the priest had to
2402say, and when he was done, grinned broadly and replied, 'Eat it raw, fuzz
2403nuts.'"
2404 -- "The Churchill Wit", National Lampoon
2405%
2406Early to bed and early to rise makes a man a helluva big nuisance.
2407%
2408Eat shit and die a virgin!
2409%
2410Egotism is the anesthetic given by a kindly nature to relieve the pain
2411of being a damned fool.
2412 -- Bellamy Brooks
2413%
2414Every morning, the crowd on Coney Island beach was startled to see
2415a jogger with the build of a pro football player but a head the size of a
2416baseball. Finally, some brave young man got up the nerve to stop him and
2417ask, "What happened to give you such a small head?"
2418 The jogger sadly told the story of finding a magic lamp on the beach,
2419which produced a beautiful genie when rubbed. The genie said, "I now give
2420you one wish. Do you want a quick fuck or a little head?"
2421%
2422Fie for shame, you lascivious, lewd, lecherous, libidinous, lustful,
2423licentious, dirty bum!!
2424%
2425Fig Newton.
2426%
2427Folks, what can I tell you about my next guest. This cat allowed himself
2428to be adored, but not loved. And his success in show business was matched
2429by failure in his personal relationship bag, now that's where he really
2430bombed. And he came to believe that work, show business, love, his whole
2431life, even himself and all that jazz was bullshit. He became numero uno
2432gameplayer. Uh, to the point where he didn't know where the games ended
2433and the reality began. Like to this cat, the only reality... is death, man.
2434Ladies and gentlemen, let me lay on you, a so-so entertainer, not much of
2435a humanitarian, and this cat was never nobody's friend. In his final
2436appearance on the great stage of life, uh, you can applaud if you want to,
2437Mr. Joe Gideon!!
2438 -- All That Jazz
2439%
2440Fuck art; let's dance!
2441%
2442Fuck off and die!
2443%
2444Fuck you and anybody who looks like you.
2445%
2446Fuck'em if they can't take a joke!
2447%
2448GET OFF THE FUCKING SYSTEM THIS INSTANT, YOU ASSHOLE!!!!
2449%
2450Get your bytes from our backend!
2451 -- Britton Lee
2452%
2453Getting an education at the University of California is like having
2454$50.00 shoved up your ass, a nickel at a time.
2455%
2456Give me the Luxuries, and the Hell with the Necessities!
2457%
2458Grain grows best in shit.
2459 -- Ursula K. LeGuin
2460%
2461Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.
2462%
2463Gravity is an unforgiving motherfucker.
2464%
2465Hardly a pure science, history is closer to animal husbandry than it is to
2466mathematics, in that it involves selective breeding. The principal difference
2467between the husbandryman and the historian is that the former breeds sheep
2468or cows or such, and the latter breeds (assumed) facts. The husbandryman uses
2469his skills to enrich the future; the historian uses his to enrich the past.
2470Both are usually up to their ankles in bullshit.
2471 -- Tom Robbins
2472%
2473Have you ever met a man of good character where women are concerned?
2474
2475Well, I haven't. I find that whenever a woman becomes friends with me,
2476she becomes jealous, exacting, suspicious, and a damn nuisance; and
2477whenever I become friends with a woman, I become selfish and tyrannical.
2478So here I am, Pickering, a confirmed old bachelor and very likely to
2479remain so.
2480 -- Henry Higgins, "My Fair Lady"
2481%
2482Have you ever wondered what makes Californians so calm? Besides drugs, I
2483mean. The answer is hot tubs. A hot tub is a redwood container filled with
2484water that you sit in naked with members of the opposite sex, none of whom
2485is necessarily your spouse. After a few hours in their hot tubs,
2486Californians don't give a damn about earthquakes or mass murderers. They
2487don't give a damn about anything , which is why they are able to produce
2488"Laverne and Shirley" week after week.
2489 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
2490%
2491He who hesitates is a damned fool.
2492 -- Mae West
2493%
2494He who trains his tongue to quote the learned sages, will be known far
2495and wide as a smart ass.
2496 -- Howard Kandel
2497%
2498"He's not pining, he's passed on! This parrot won't squawk! He's
2499ceased to be! He's expired, and gone to meet his maker! It's a
2500stiff! No breath of life, he may rest in peace! If you hadn't nailed
2501him to the perch, he'd be pushing up the daisies! He's off the twig!
2502He's kicked the bucket! He's curled up his tooties! He's shuffled off
2503this mortal world! He's run down the curtain, and joined the bleed'n
2504Choir Invincible! HE'S FUCKING SNUFFED IT! Vis-a-vi his metabolic
2505processes is head is lost. All statements concerning this parrot is no
2506longer a going concern, after from now on, Inoperative...
2507
2508 THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!!
2509%
2510Hell's broken loose.
2511 -- Robert Greene
2512%
2513Hell, if you don't try to remake someone, how are they supposed to know
2514you care?
2515%
2516Here is the problem: for many years, the Supreme Court wrestled with the issue
2517of pornography, until finally Associate Justice John Paul Stevens came up with
2518the famous quotation about how he couldn't define pornography, but he knew it
2519when he saw it. So for a while, the court's policy was to have all the
2520suspected pornography trucked to Justice Stevens' house, where he would look it
2521over. "Nope, this isn't it," he'd say. "Bring some more." This went on until
2522one morning when his housekeeper found him trapped in the recreation room under
2523an enormous mound of rubberized implements, and the court had to issue a ruling
2524stating that it didn't know what the hell pornography was except that it was
2525illegal and everybody should stop badgering the court about it because the
2526court was going to take a nap.
2527 -- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
2528%
2529Horsecrap, little brother. There's always something more to be done.
2530Another palm to be greased. Another back to be scratched. Another
2531weak sister to be shored up.
2532 -- J.R. Ewing
2533%
2534Howard Cosell's biggest protrusion is his asshole.
2535 -- John Valby
2536%
2537I am fairly unrepentant about her poetry. I really think that three quarters
2538of it is gibberish. However, I must crush down these thoughts otherwise the
2539dove of peace will shit on me.
2540 -- Noel Coward on Edith Sitwell
2541%
2542I came; I saw; I fucked up.
2543%
2544I can't quite put my finger on it, but something about you pisses me off.
2545 -- Peter Knight
2546%
2547 I disapprove of the F-word, not because it's dirty, but because we
2548use it as a substitute for thoughtful insults, and it frequently leads to
2549violence. What we ought to do, when we anger each other, say, in traffic,
2550is exchange phone numbers, so that later on, when we've had time to think
2551of witty and learned insults or look them up in the library, we could call
2552each other up:
2553 You: Hello? Bob?
2554 Bob: Yes?
2555 You: This is Ed. Remember? The person whose parking space you
2556 took last Thursday? Outside of Sears?
2557 Bob: Oh yes! Sure! How are you, Ed?
2558 You: Fine, thanks. Listen, Bob, the reason I'm calling is:
2559 "Madam, you may be drunk, but I am ugly, and ..." No, wait.
2560 I mean: "you may be ugly, but I am Winston Churchill
2561 and ..." No, wait. (Sound of reference book thudding onto
2562 the floor.) S-word. Excuse me. Look, Bob, I'm going to
2563 have to get back to you.
2564 Bob: Fine.
2565 -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!"
2566%
2567I don't know why women get so upset, they have half the money and all the pussy.
2568 -- Gary Bussy, "DC Cab"
2569%
2570I don't love you, asshole, I love your daughter.
2571 -- The Undergraduate
2572%
2573"I had to censor everything my sons watched ... even on the Mary Tyler
2574Moore show I heard the word 'damn'!"
2575 -- Mary Lou Bax
2576%
2577I love this fucking University, and this University loves fucking me.
2578%
2579I played over the music of that scoundrel Brahms. What a giftless
2580bastard! It annoys me that this self-inflated mediocrity is hailed
2581as a genius. Why, in comparison with him, Riff is a genius.
2582 -- Tchaikovsky, October 9, 1886, diary entry
2583%
2584I think we can all agree that there is not enough common courtesy shown ...
2585HEY! PAY ATTENTION WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU DAMMIT! I said I think we can
2586all agree that there is not enough common courtesy shown today. When we take
2587the time to be courteous to each other, we find that we are happier and less
2588likely to engage in nuclear war. This point was driven home by the recent
2589summit talks, where Nancy Reagan and Raisa Gorbachev, each of whose husband
2590thinks the other's husband is vermin, were able to sit down at a high-level
2591tea and engage in courteous conversation ...
2592 -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"
2593%
2594I wouldn't mind dying --
2595
2596it's that business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.
2597 -- R. Geis
2598%
2599I'd rather be led to hell than managed to heavan.
2600%
2601I'm sorry I'm late folks, I just got out of jail. I tried to change my
2602girlfriend's name. Yeah, I went down to the hall of records. I said, "I'd
2603like to change it... I'd like to change it to... LYING LITTLE BITCH!"
2604 -- Sam Kinison
2605%
2606I've been watching you closely to see if you have been good this year;
2607and since you have, I will be telling my elves to make some goodies for me
2608to leave under your tree on Christmas. I was going to bring you all the
2609gifts from the twelve days of Christmas, but we had a little problem up here.
2610The twelve fiddlers fiddling have all come down with V.D. from fiddling with
2611the ten ladies dancing, the eleven lords-a-leaping have knocked up the eight
2612maids-a-milking, and the nine pipers piping have been arrested for doing
2613weird things to the seven swans-a-swimming and the six geese-a-laying. The
2614four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves, and the partridge
2615in the pear tree have me up to my ass in birdshit. On top of all this, Mrs.
2616Claus is going through menopause, eight of my reindeer are in heat, the elves
2617have joined gay liberation, and those dumb ass Polacks have scheduled
2618Christmas for the fifth of February. I'll do what I can.
2619 Sincerely,
2620 Santa
2621%
2622If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a
2623damn fool about it.
2624 -- W.C. Fields
2625
2626[Also attributed to Roy Mengot. Ed.]
2627%
2628If it's not one thing, it's a mother.
2629%
2630If life's a piece of shit, Calculus III is the spoon.
2631%
2632If today is the first day of the rest of your life, what the hell was yesterday?
2633%
2634If you don't ride a camel to work, you ain't Sheeite.
2635%
2636 If you work for a man, in heaven's name, work for him.
2637 If he pays you wages which supply you bread and butter, work for him;
2638speak well of him; stand by him, and by the institution he represents.
2639 If put to a pinch, an ounce of loyalty is worth a pound of cleverness.
2640 If you must vilify, condemn and eternally find disparage -- resign your
2641position, and when you are outside, damn to your heart's content... but, as
2642long as you are part of the institution do not condemn it.
2643 If you do that, you are loosening the tendrils that are holding you to
2644the institution, and at the first high wind that comes along, you will
2645be uprooted and blown away, and probably will never know the reason why.
2646%
2647If you're going to break up with your old lady and you live in a small
2648town, make sure you don't break up at three in the morning. Because you're
2649screwed -- there's nothing to do ... So make it about nine in the morning,
2650... bullshit around, worry her a little, then come back at seven in the
2651night.
2652 -- Lenny Bruce
2653%
2654In the beginning was the DEMO Project. And the Project was without form.
2655And darkness was upon the staff members thereof. So they spake unto
2656their Division Head, saying, "It is a crock of shit, and it stinks."
2657
2658And the Division Head spake unto his Department Head, saying,
2659"It is a crock of excrement and none may abide the odor thereof."
2660Now, the Department Head spake unto his Directorate Head, saying,
2661"It is a container of excrement, and is very strong, such that none
2662may abide before it." And it came to pass that the Directorate Head
2663spake unto the Assistant Technical Director, saying, "It is a vessel
2664of fertilizer and none may abide by its strength."
2665
2666And the assistant Technical Director spake thus unto the Technical
2667Director, saying, "It containeth that which aids growth and it is
2668very strong." And, Lo, the Technical Director spake then unto the
2669Captain, saying, "The powerful new Project will help promote the
2670growth of the Laboratories."
2671
2672And the Captain looked down upon the Project, and He saw that it was Good!
2673%
2674Inspite of all evidence to the contrary, the entire universe is composed of
2675only two basic substances: magic and bullshit.
2676%
2677It is a sad commentary on today's society that this fortune has to be
2678classified as "offensive" simply because it contains the word "fuck".
2679%
2680It may not be funny, but it's damned amusing!
2681%
2682It seems there were two young Marines walking down the street, and
2683they chanced upon a lady who was both very proper and very well endowed.
2684One of them said, "Wow! What tits! Hey lady, would I love to snuggle up with
2685them for awhile. What are you doing this afternoon?"
2686
2687Well, the other Marine thought that was just about the most shameful
2688thing he had ever witnessed, and felt that he had to restore the honor of the
2689Corps. "Pardon my friend, Ma'am," he apologized, "He's not been very well
2690brought up and don't know how to talk to cunt."
2691%
2692It used to be a man's world, and the woman's place was in the home.
2693They can kiss that shit goodbye.
2694%
2695It was almost closing time when a male patron who had been getting the
2696frosty treatment from a girl at the end of the bar called to the
2697bartender and said, "Give that bitchy douche bag over there one on me."
2698 "We discourage that sort of language here, sir," the bartender
2699answered sternly.
2700 "OK, OK. Serve the lady a cocktail with my compliments."
2701 The bartender approached the female in question. "The, uh, gentleman
2702at the other end of the bar would like to buy you a drink, miss. What would
2703you like?"
2704 "Vinegar and water."
2705%
2706It's a bit hard to bullshit the ocean. It's not listening, you know
2707what I mean.
2708 -- David Crosby
2709%
2710It's a bitch being butch.
2711%
2712It's a damn poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word.
2713 -- Andrew Jackson
2714%
2715It's better to be pissed off than pissed on.
2716%
2717It's so fuckin' great to be alive!
2718%
2719Life is a bitch, but the puppies can be cute.
2720%
2721Life is a shit sandwich, and every day you get to take another bite.
2722It's just that some days are TWO BITE days ...
2723%
2724Life is having a mother-in-law that sucks and a wife that don't.
2725 -- Rodney Dangerfield
2726%
2727Life is like a cucumber --
2728
2729one moment it's in your hand, the next it's up your ass.
2730%
2731Life is like a shit sandwich.
2732
2733The more bread you have, the less shit you have to eat.
2734%
2735Life is not a cabaret.
2736It's a fucking circus.
2737%
2738Life isn't a bitch. Life is a virgin. A bitch is easy.
2739%
2740Look out for yourself -- or they'll pee on your grave.
2741 -- Louis B. Mayer
2742
2743The reason so many people showed up at Louis B. Mayer's funeral was because
2744they wanted to make sure he was dead.
2745 -- Samuel Goldwyn
2746%
2747Love is a slippery eel that bites like hell.
2748 -- Matt Groening
2749%
2750Many a man has decided to stay alive not because of the will to live, but
2751because of the determination not to give assorted surviving bastards the
2752satisfaction of his death.
2753 -- Brendan Francis
2754%
2755 McQuillan was on the stand. The case involved a railroad and several of
2756the passengers who were injured.
2757 "You say," thundered the counsel for the railroad, "that you saw
2758the two trains crash head on while doing sixty miles an hour. What did you
2759think when you saw this happen ?"
2760 I thought," replied the Irishman, "this is one *helluva* way to run
2761a railroad."
2762%
2763Me, I love the rich. *Somebody* has to love them. Sure, a lot of rich
2764people are assholes, but believe me, a lot of poor people are assholes too.
2765And an asshole with money can at least pay for his own drinks.
2766 -- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume"
2767%
2768Megaton Man: "LOOK at them! Helpless, tender creatures, relying on
2769 ME, waiting for ME to make my move!"
2770
2771(from below): "Move your ASS, Fat-head!"
2772
2773Megaton Man: "It is a MANDATE, and I am DUTY BOUND to OBEY!"
2774%
2775Moody bitch in search of...
2776 kind, considerate, loving man. Objective, love-hate relationship.
2777%
2778Moody bitch with attitude, seeks nice, good-looking guy to dump on.
2779%
2780Most people wouldn't know music if it came up and bit them on the ass.
2781 -- Frank Zappa
2782%
2783My advice to the women's clubs of America is to raise more hell and fewer
2784dahlias.
2785 -- William Allen White
2786%
2787My brother-in-law has found a way to make ends meet. He goes around
2788with his head stuck up his ass.
2789%
2790Never fly under a seagull - they'll shit on your airplane.
2791 -- Gordon Cooper
2792%
2793 "Never send a MAN to do a WOMAN'S work! Why do you think I CAME here?"
2794 "Not for the good of my ego, that was for damn sure."
2795%
2796No matter how clever the hardware boys are, the software boys piss it away.
2797%
2798Non Illegitimus Carborundum.
2799 [Don't let the bastards wear you down.]
2800%
2801Obscene? Obscene is young men being trained to drop fire on people, but
2802their commanders not allowing them to write "fuck" on their airplanes
2803because it's obscene.
2804%
2805Obscenity is the crutch of inarticulate motherfuckers.
2806%
2807Old mercenaries never die. They go to hell and regroup.
2808%
2809 On the day of his anniversary, Joe was frantically shopping
2810around for a present for his wife. He knew what she wanted, a
2811grandfather clock for the living room, but he found the right one almost
2812impossible to find. Finally, after many hours of searching, Joe found
2813just the clock he wanted, but the store didn't deliver. Joe, desperate,
2814paid the shopkeeper, hoisted the clock onto his back, and staggered out
2815onto the sidewalk. On the way home, he passed a bar. Just as he reached
2816the door, a drunk stumbled out and crashed into Joe, sending himself,
2817Joe, and the clock into the gutter. Murphy's law being in effect, the
2818clock ended up in roughly a thousand pieces.
2819 "You stupid drunk!" screamed Joe, jumping up from the wreckage.
2820"Why don't you look where the hell you're going!"
2821 With quiet dignity the drunk stood up somewhat unsteadily and
2822dusted himself off. "And why don't you just wear a wristwatch like a
2823normal person?"
2824%
2825Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to
2826fly south for the winter. However, soon after the weather turned cold,
2827the sparrow changed his mind and reluctantly started to fly south.
2828After a short time, ice began to form his on his wings and he fell to
2829earth in a barnyard almost frozen. A cow passed by and crapped on this
2830little bird and the sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure
2831warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy the little sparrow
2832began to sing. Just then, a large Tom cat came by and hearing the
2833chirping investigated the sounds. As Old Tom cleared away the manure,
2834he found the chirping bird and promptly ate him.
2835
2836There are three morals to this story:
2837
2838(1) Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy.
2839(2) Everyone who gets you out of shit is not necessarily your friend.
2840(3) If you are warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut.
2841%
2842One day a little polar bear cub says to his mother, "Mommy, am I really
2843a polar bear?"
2844 "Why of course you are, honey!" his mother replies. "You live at
2845the North Pole and you swim under the ice to catch fish. You play on the
2846ice floes and you romp through the snow and chase seals. Of *course* you're
2847a polar bear. Why do you ask?"
2848 "Because," says the little cub, "I'm fuckin' freezing!"
2849%
2850Ours is a world where people don't know what they want and are willing
2851to go through hell to get it.
2852%
2853Pardon me, sir, but you've obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a shit.
2854%
2855People who write position papers often find themselves in an
2856enviable position. They are hired to write papers for both sides of the
2857position.
2858 A good position paper will have many words in it like
2859"superincumbence," "egress," and "plurification."
2860 You will not often find the phrase "lightweight dropcase
2861limp-wristed motherfucker" in a serious position paper.
2862 Charts and multiplication tables should always be included in
2863position papers. They should look complicated enough to make Albert
2864Einstein stagger across the room for a Tylenol.
2865 A good position paper will never underestimate the value of a
2866semicolon.
2867 -- Dan Jenkins, "Baja Oklahoma"
2868%
2869People will swim through shit if you put a few bob in it.
2870 -- Peter Sellers
2871%
2872Psychotherapy is the theory that the patient will probably get well anyhow
2873and is certainly a damn fool.
2874 -- H. L. Mencken
2875%
2876Shit happens.
2877%
2878 Shortly after Churchill had grown a moustache, he was accosted by a
2879certain young lady whose political views were in direct opposition to his
2880own. Fancying herself something of a wag, she exclaimed, "Mr. Churchill, I
2881care for neither your politics nor your moustache." Unabashed, the young
2882statesman regarded her quietly for a moment, the wryly commented, "Suck my
2883dick."
2884 While serving as a subaltern in the Boer War, the young Churchill was
2885asked by a superior officer to give his opinion of the Boers as soldiers.
2886 "They're assholes, sir," he ventured, then paused briefly and added, with a
2887whimsical smile, "They're assholes."
2888 Churchill was given to reading in the bathtub and, while staying at
2889the White House, he once became so engrossed in an account of the Battle of
2890Fonteney that he forgot President Roosevelt was due to drop by to discuss the
2891upcoming conference in Yalta. At the appointed hour, the President was
2892wheeled into Churchill's quarters only to be informed that the Prime Minister
2893had not finished bathing. Roosevelt was about to apologize for the intrusion
2894and depart when Churchill, puffing his customary cigar, strode into the room
2895stark naked and greeted the nonplussed world leader with a terse, "What are
2896you staring at, homo?"
2897 -- "The Churchill Wit", National Lampoon
2898%
2899Silence can be the biggest lie of all. We have a responsibility to speak
2900up; and whenever the occasion calls for it, we have a responsibility to
2901raise bloody hell.
2902 -- Herbert Block
2903%
2904So you fucked up... you trusted us!
2905 -- Animal House
2906%
2907Some companies idea of playing ball is, you play ball with us,
2908and we'll stick the fucking bat up your ass.
2909%
2910Some of the management around here are the final proof that the Indians
2911fucked the buffalo.
2912%
2913Sometimes, you just gotta say "What the fuck."
2914 -- Risky Business
2915%
2916Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very'; your
2917editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
2918 -- Mark Twain
2919%
2920Success has many fathers, but failure is a bastard.
2921%
2922Tell you what," the haberdasher said to a persistent job applicant. "I've
2923got one suit I can't sell -- that purple, green and yellow number over there.
2924If you can make that sale, you've not only got the job, you've got it for
2925life."
2926 Then the store owner left for lunch. When he returned, he was shocked
2927to see the young man's clothes in tatters and his hands and face bleeding.
2928 "My God, what happened to you?"
2929 "I sold the suit! I sold the suit!" the young man shouted, a smile
2930on his bloodied lips.
2931 "Congratulations," the haberdasher said. "You've got the job. But
2932what happened? Did the customer start a fight?"
2933 "Oh, no," the new salesman replied. "But his Seeing Eye dog was
2934*pissed*."
2935%
2936The best number for a dinner party is two--myself and a damn good head waiter.
2937 -- Nubar Gulbenkian
2938%
2939The boys in the Epperson family all acquired fine educations except for Edward.
2940They made him go to school, but most of the time he just ignored what was said
2941there. Yet there were rare moments when he could display a bit of curiosity.
2942 One day Edward was sitting at home looking at a magazine, and he said
2943to his brilliant older brother, Hud, he said, "Hud, what does fox pass mean?"
2944 Brother Hud gave the question some deep consideration and then said,
2945"You must mean _faux_pas_."
2946 "The way it's spelled," said dumb Ed, "it's fox pass."
2947 Hud took a look at the way it was spelled and then said, "It's a French
2948phrase -- it means a social blunder. Remember last Sunday when the Bishop came
2949for dinner? Mother took him out in the garden and they were looking over the
2950roses when the Bishop got stuck on the thumb by a thorn. It was bleeding quite
2951a bit so Mother brought him in the house. They went into the bathroom together
2952and stayed quite a while, and when they came out we all went to the dinner
2953table. Remember all that, Ed?"
2954 "Yeh."
2955 "Now," Hud continued, "you recall that I was just getting to pass
2956the gravy when Mother said, 'Bishop, does your prick still throb?' The gravy
2957bowl flew out of my hands and hit the table, and the gravy splattered all
2958over everyone. And just at that point you, Brother Edward, you hollered,
2959'Sheee-itt!' You remember that?"
2960 "Yeh."
2961 "Well, when you hollered 'Sheee-itt!' that was a _faux_pas_."
2962%
2963The difference between graffiti and philosophy is the word "fuck".
2964%
2965 The famous Nell Gwynn, stepping one day from a house where she had
2966made a short visit into her coach, saw a great crowd assembled, and her
2967footman all bloody and dirty; the fellow being asked by his mistress, the
2968reason for his being in that condition, answered, "I have been fighting,
2969madam, with an impudent rascal who called your ladyship a whore."
2970 "You blockhead," replied Mrs. Gywnn, "at this rate you must fight
2971every day of your life; why, you fool, all the world knows it."
2972 "Do they?" cries the fellow, in a muttering voice, after he had shut
2973the coach door, "they shan't call me a whore's footman for all that."
2974 -- Henry Fielding, "Tom Jones"
2975%
2976The government was contemplating the dispatch of an expedition to Burma,
2977with a view to taking Rangoon, and a question arose as to who would be the
2978fittest general to be sent in command of the expedition. The Cabinet sent
2979for the Duke of Wellington, and asked his advice. He instantly replied,
2980"Send Lord Combermere."
2981 "But we have always understood that your Grace thought Lord
2982Combermere a fool."
2983 "So he is a fool, and a damned fool; but he can take Rangoon."
2984 -- G.W.E. Russell
2985%
2986The higher you climb, the more you show your ass.
2987 -- Alexander Pope, "The Dunciad"
2988%
2989The more crap you put up with, the more crap you're going to get.
2990%
2991... the most exquisitely squalid hells known to middle-class man:
2992freshman English at a Midwestern university.
2993 -- Tom Wolfe
2994%
2995The objective of all dedicated employees should be to thoroughly analyze
2996all situations, anticipate all problems prior to their occurrence, have
2997answers for these problems, and move swiftly to solve these problems
2998when called upon.
2999 However...
3000When you are up to your ass in alligators it is difficult to remind
3001yourself your initial objective was to drain the swamp.
3002%
3003The old man had lived all his life in a little house on the Vermont side of the
3004New Hampshire-Vermont border. One day, the surveyors came to inform him that
3005they had just discovered that he lived in New Hampshire, not Vermont.
3006 "Thank heavens!" was his heartfelt reply. "I don't think I could have
3007taken another one of those damned Vermont winters!"
3008%
3009The only thing faster than the speed of light is shit flowing downhill.
3010 -- Mike O'Dell
3011%
3012The only way you'll ever hear from me is if you're living in the same hell.
3013 -- Roy Harper
3014%
3015The road to hell is paved with good intentions. And littered with
3016sloppy analysis!
3017%
3018 THE TEN STAGES OF INTOXICATION
3019
3020 (1) WITTY AND CHARMING: This is after one or two drinks. The tongue
3021 is loosened and can yet remain in step with the brain. In the
3022 "witty and charming" state, one is likely to use foreign idioms
3023 and phrases such as "au contraire" in place of "Now way, Jose,"
3024 or "Bullsheyet".
3025 (2) RICH AND POWERFUL: By the third drink, you begin mentioning the
3026 little 380 SL you've had your eye on down at the Mercedes place.
3027 (3) BENEVOLENT: You'll buy her a Mercedes, too. It's only money.
3028 (4) JUST ONE MORE AND THEN WE'LL EAT: Stall tactic.
3029 (5) TO HELL WITH DINNER: Just one more and then we'll eat.
3030 (6) PATRIOTIC: The war stories begin.
3031 (7) CRANK UP THE "ENOLA GAY": "We could have won in Nam, but..."
3032 (8) INVISIBLE: So this is what the Ladies' Room looks like.
3033 (9) WITTY AND CHARMING PART II: You know, you don't sweat much for
3034 a fat girl.
3035 (10) BULLETPROOF: Bull-sheyet, gimme them keys, I can drive.
3036 -- Lewis Grizzard, "My Daddy Was a Pistol and I'm a Son
3037 of a Gun".
3038%
3039The time has come for kicking ass and taking names.
3040%
3041 The townspeople stood in despair as the fire that had begun in a diner
3042threatened to spread to adjoining homes. Just then, a truck filled with
3043farm workers came speeding down a hill toward the fire. The crowd moved
3044back and the truck drove right into the thickest of the flames. The workers
3045jumped out and beat at the fire with their coats, miraculously bringing the
3046blaze under control.
3047 The city fathers were so grateful for the men's heroism that they
3048gave each a plaque and $1000. After the ceremony, newsmen interviewed the
3049driver and asked him what he was going to do with the money.
3050 "You can be damned sure the first thing I'm gonna do," he replied,
3051"is get the brakes fixed on that son-of-a-bitchin' truck!"
3052%
3053The world is an 8000 mile in diameter spherical pile of shit.
3054%
3055There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies and statistics.
3056 -- Benjamin Disraeli
3057%
3058There are two sides to every divorce: yours and the shithead's.
3059%
3060There is always more hell that needs raising.
3061 -- Lauren Leveut
3062%
3063There's a man deeply in debt, see, and he takes the money he has left
3064and goes to Monte Carlo to try to recoup at the roulette tables. Won a
3065little, lost a lot, and was down to his last franc. Prayed for help.
3066A voice whispered in his ear: "Le rouge..." Man looked around; nobody
3067there. What the hell -- he puts his last franc on the red, and it won.
3068The voice immediately said, "Encore le rouge..." Played red again, and
3069it won again. The voice said, "Impair..." Played odd, and it won. Voice
3070said, "Quinze..." so he put all the money on 15, and it won. This went
3071on for hours, the voice telling him what to bet, and the man putting all
3072his money on what the voice said, and winning. Finally when the voice
3073spoke, the man protested that he'd won millions of dollars and wanted to
3074quit. The voice was inexorable: "Douze..." The man put the money on 12,
3075and 11 came up -- he had lost everything -- the voice murmured "Merde!!"
3076%
3077There's a tendency today to absolve individuals from moral responsibility and
3078treat them as victims of social circumstance. You buy that, you pay with your
3079soul. It's not men who limit women, it's not straights who limit gays, it's
3080not whites who limit blacks. What limits people is lack of character. What
3081limits people is that they don't have the fucking nerve or imagination to star
3082in their own movie, let alone direct it.
3083 -- Bernard Mickey Wrangle
3084%
3085They ought to make butt-flavored cat food.
3086 -- Gallagher
3087%
3088This guy makes an appointment with a doctor because his hemorrhoids are
3089really bothering him. The doctor gives him some suppositories and tells
3090him to come back in a week for a checkup. "How's it going?" he asks
3091the patient a week later.
3092 "I gotta tell you the truth, Doc," said the man. "For all the
3093good these pills did me, I coulda shoved them up my ass."
3094%
3095This guy walks into a bank and up to a female bank teller:
3096
3097Man: "I want to open a fuckin' savings account."
3098Teller: "Excuse me, sir?"
3099M: "Listen, bitch, I want to open a fuckin' savings account."
3100T: "Sir, I don't have to listen to this abusive language."
3101M: "LOOK! I just want to open a fuckin' savings account."
3102T: "Sir, you leave me no choice but to speak to the manager."
3103
3104The teller walks over and explains the customer's rude behavior to the bank
3105manager who then accompanies her back to the teller booth.
3106
3107Mgr: "Can I help you, sir?"
3108M: "I want to open a fuckin' savings account."
3109Mgr: "Please, sir, we'll be delighted to help you, but we must request
3110 that you not use abusive language to our tellers."
3111M: "Look. I just won $25 million in the state lottery and I want to
3112 open a fuckin' savings account!"
3113Mgr: "I see. And has this cunt been giving you any trouble?"
3114%
3115This is National Smokers-Are-Shits Week.
3116%
3117Today is gonna be one helluva week!
3118%
3119Tomorrow never comes! It's all the same fuckin' day, man!
3120 -- Janis Joplin
3121%
3122 Two little kids, aged six and eight, decide it's time to learn how to
3123swear. So, the eight-year-old says to the six-year-old, "Okay, you say
3124`ass' and I'll say `hell'".
3125 All excited about their plan, they troop downstairs, where their
3126mother asks them what they'd like for breakfast.
3127 "Aw, hell," says the eight-year-old, "gimme some Cheerios." His mother
3128backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling out of the room, and
3129turns to the younger brother. "What'll you have?"
3130 "I dunno," quavers the six-year-old, "but you can bet your ass it
3131ain't gonna be Cheerios."
3132%
3133Two morticians alternated in sharing the responsibility of covering
3134the night shift. One early morning about 3:00 am, a body was brought into the
3135mortuary, and the mortician began work. When he had unclothed the corpse, he
3136noticed a cork in the anus. Removing it, the strains of "Hello, Dolly, well,
3137hello, Dolly...!" were plainly heard being sung. He put the cork back, and
3138the singing stopped. Pulling it out again, the same song started, "You're
3139lookin' swell, Dolly!". Amazed, he telephoned his partner, and insisted he
3140come immediately to see something very unusual. Roused from sleep, the partner
3141asked if it could wait until morning. It took great persistence, but finally
3142the partner agreed to dress and come down to the shop. When he got there, he
3143said, "Now what was it that was so important you had to get me out of bed at
3144this ungodly hour?"
3145 The man said, "Come into the embalming room."
3146 They go into the embalming room, and the first partner says, "Now
3147watch."
3148 He pulls out the cork, and the anus takes off singing again. The
3149partner looks at him disgustedly and says: "You brought me down here at
3150three in the morning just to hear some asshole sing Hello Dolly"?
3151%
3152VYARZERZOMANIMORORSEZASSEZANSERAREORSES?
3153%
3154"Water? Never touch the stuff! Fish fuck in it."
3155 -- W. C. Fields
3156%
3157We aren't what we eat. We are what we don't shit.
3158 -- Hugh Romney
3159%
3160We call our dog Egypt, because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
3161%
3162We came, we saw, we kicked its ass!
3163 -- Bill Murray, "Ghostbusters"
3164%
3165We must remember the First Amendment which protects any shrill jackass
3166no matter how self-seeking.
3167 -- F. G. Withington
3168%
3169Well, now that SUN's in bed with AT&T, I sure hope she sleeps with her
3170back to the wall.
3171 -- Guy Harris, on AT&T buying 20% of SUN Microsystems
3172
3173Eat shit and die. Strong memo to follow.
3174 -- Mike O'Dell, on AT&T buying 20% of SUN Microsystems
3175%
3176 Well, there was this tiger, who woke up one morning, and just felt
3177great (yes, just like Tony the Tiger: GREAAAAAAT). Anyway, he just felt
3178so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at him: "WHO IS
3179THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"
3180 And this poor quaking little monkey replied: "You are of course, no
3181one is mightier than you."
3182 A little while later this tiger confronts a deer, and just bellows out:
3183"WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"
3184 The deer is shaking so hard it can barely speak, but manages to
3185stammer: "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle."
3186 The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered, up to an elephant that was
3187quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice: "WHO IS
3188THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?"
3189 Well, this elephant grabs the tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams
3190him down; picks him up again, and shakes him until the tiger is just a blur of
3191orange and black; and finally throws him violently into a nearby tree.
3192 The tiger staggers to his feet, looks at the elephant and says: "Man,
3193you don't have to get so pissed, just because you don't know the answer!"
3194%
3195Well, this woman went to the butcher shop to get some ham for dinner.
3196She asked the butcher what kind of ham he recommended, and the butcher said,
3197"Well ma'am, we got some Damn ham here for $3.50 a pound..." Needless to
3198say, she was surprised at the butcher's language! The butcher, who was
3199reasonably astute, noticed the alarmed look on the woman's face, and quickly
3200justified himself. "No, no, ma'am, I wasn't cursin', the NAME of this here
3201ham is "Damn ham". Amused, the woman requested some "Damn ham."
3202 That night, before dinner, the woman took her husband aside and
3203explained what had happened at the butcher shop. He also was amused, and
3204suggested that they play a joke on their son. So, at dinner, after grace,
3205the man turned to his wife and said, "Honey, pass the damn ham."
3206 Their son looked up, surprised. "WHOAH! Dad be gettin' hip!
3207How 'bout them mother-fuckin' potatoes?"
3208%
3209What the fuck, over?
3210%
3211What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.
3212%
3213When the shit hits the fan, keep your mouth shut!
3214%
3215Where the hell is Wall Drug?
3216%
3217Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?
3218 -- Harry Warner, Warner Bros. Pictures, c. 1927
3219%
3220Who took the MMMMMM out of MURINE?
3221%
3222Why doesn't everybody leave everybody else the hell alone?
3223 -- Jimmy Durante
3224%
3225Winning isn't everything, but losing really sucks.
3226%
3227Winter is nature's way of saying, "Up yours."
3228 -- Robert Byrne
3229%
3230Work like hell, tell everyone everything you know, close a deal with
3231a handshake, and have fun.
3232 -- Harold "Doc" Edgerton, summing up his life's philosophy,
3233 shortly before dying at the age of 86.
3234%
3235Would you mind terribly much if I asked you to take your silly-assed
3236problem down the hall?
3237%
3238Yesterday is a memory,
3239 Tomorrow is a vision,
3240 Today is a bitch!
3241%
3242You are without a doubt a rogue, a rascal, a villain, a thief, a scoundrel,
3243and a mean, dirty, stinking, sniveling, sneaking, pimping, pocketpicking,
3244thrice double-damned, no-good son-of-a-bitch.
3245%
3246You can find sympathy, in the dictionary, right near shit and suicide.
3247%
3248You can lead a whore to Vasser, but you can't make her think.
3249 -- Frederick B. Artz
3250%
3251You have been bitchy since Tuesday and you'll probably get fired today.
3252%
3253You have to be a bastard to make it, and that's a fact. And the Beatles
3254are the biggest bastards on earth.
3255 -- John Lennon
3256%
3257"You have to regard everything I say with suspicion -- I may be trying
3258to bullshit you, or I may just be bullshitting you inadvertently."
3259 -- J. Wainwright, Mathematics 140b
3260%
3261You may not be able to judge a book by its cover, but you sure as hell can
3262tell how much it's going to cost.
3263%
3264You see that fucking fish? If he'd kept his mouth shut, he wouldn'ta got
3265caught.
3266 -- Sam Giancana
3267%
3268You should be a hemorrhoid, you're such a pain in the ass.
3269%