· 5 years ago · Feb 26, 2020, 06:18 AM
1 Chapter 1: Deeply, Hiratsuka Shizuka Reminisces the Past
2
3
4Countless, countless times have I turned back my head.
5
6Yet every step moves out without stopping.
7
8Let my heartbeat accelerate , let my breathing fall out of place, and refused to wipe off
9the accumulating sweat.
10
11If I don't do this, every small detail might just become my excuse to stop. Yet this doesn't
12stop me from looking back again and again, how disgusting.
13
14That image of a single drop of tear right before we parted refuses to leave my head.
15
16The remaining traces of rainwater on the road, looks identical to the trace on her cheeks.
17The puddles of water my running feet tries to avoid, the unnatural disrupted footwork,
18every step screams, urging me to turn back.
19
20But what can going back do for me, what should I say to do anything about the situation.
21
22No, there is a solution lying somewhere in my heart. Yet my legs refuses to decide on any
23option, repeating its mechanical yet unnatural movement.
24
25Even if a standard option exists, that isn't mine, that can't be our answer.
26
27The sun slowly falls into the horizon, turning itself crimson red.
28
29The shadows of houses elongate, to the point they seem so close to blending in with the
30darkness from the faraway twilight. Refusing to be swallowed by this darkness, I
31continued to run forward.
32
33Every step felt solid, yet thoughts are floating with no direction.
34
35Thinking about what that drop of tears meant, my thoughts fall deep, to the point of
36witnessing every reason possible, however no conclusion could be made out of them, and
37all clues were found only to be left behind.
38
39Just like everything that happened, just like how everything has been done.
40
41The path leads straight towards the sea.
42
43The chilling seabreeze slips into the gaps of my coat and muffler, stabs my burning face,
44reminding it of stiffness.
45
46The cold continues to linger, yet sweat continues to drop. Removing the scarf wrapped
47up on my neck, only makes me feel that a part of my body is being binded.
48
49Whatever that was stuck within my chest gets exhaled out as I struggle to regain my
50breath.
51
52Despite my anxiousness, as if something is grabbing onto my hair, my footsteps start to
53slow down.
54
55Being lucky enough to run into a red light, I take a deep breath as my hands rest on my
56ankles.
57
58Running to escape something, being followed up at the moment I stopped.
59
60The meaning behind that tear, the weight within those words, they are all questioning,
61they are all criticizing.
62
63Reassuring me that I was wrong.
64
65In front of my glaring eyes, stands an old traffic light that refuses to be replaced with.
66
67Its blackened blood that screams of illness suddenly disappeared.
68
69Time to start running again.
70
71Releasing a sigh that sounded so similar to a shriek, I straighten up my body and started
72stepping.
73
74Towards that deep, dark green light that signals us to move forward.
75
76
77 1-2
78
79As I reached school and entered the campus.
80
81My thoughts started to calm down.
82
83To the point where those sad yet gentle words are echoing clearer than before.
84
85From the moment I picked up the phone call till now, have been thinking, have been
86running around in circles.
87
88Words that have been said, words that could have been said.
89
90What should've been shaped solid, seemed as ambiguous as it had always been. What I
91have sealed up without a second thought, refusing to take a closer look at it.
92
93If that is the case, what weight does my words even hold? Probably, the only reason
94Hiratsuka sensei purposely made me speak out, is because this is the last time I have a
95chance to do so.
96
97Sensing that the time of parting is approaching, I looked up at the twilight that filled up
98the entire sky.
99
100Reaching to the doorstep of the staff room, my hand that was about to knock on the door,
101suddenly held back.
102
103Teasing at the fear I'm feeling right now, I let out a sigh.
104
105But I can't stand here forever.
106
107Because she won't either.
108
109Hiratsuka sensei will one day leave us.
110
111I never knew that, thus I never tried to prove anything, to show her any results.
112
113But the one thing I can do, is to not show her this embarrassing side of me, this is the one
114thing I should do.
115
116After another sigh, I knocked twice on the door before entering the staff room.
117
118My eyes swayed naturally towards that one position I have always looked at.
119
120On that place, sat Hiratsuka sensei.
121
122She seems to be working on documentations.
123
124That familiar figure works relentlessly facing her desk, her long hair that sways from
125time to time, the slight rotation on her shoulders seemed like her trying to relax them.
126
127The backview of her working seriously felt refreshing, and staring at it doesn't feel
128boring, I didn't feel like bothering her by this moment, thus I didn't called out to her
129immediately.
130
131Actually, there are some lies, a lot of lies within this thought of mine.
132
133I refuse to witness the end of this never ending daily life, which is why I didn't call out to
134her.
135
136Losing someone also means that the scenery, the moments that I've always took for
137granted will leave me too, something that took me so long to realize.
138
139Hoping to take a closer look, I carefully moved towards her, trying not to make a single
140sound, while trying to recall how I've always started our conversation,
141
142But she spoke right before me:
143
144"Sorry, give me a few more minutes."
145
146As if she already knew of my presence without making sure, Hiratsuka sensei pointed at
147the deeper parts of the staff room, the spot where we always had our conversations.
148
149Her tone sounded like how its always been, so I replied briefly:
150
151"Alright."
152
153"Umu."
154
155With her head still facing the desk, she put a halt to our small talk.
156
157As I moved towards the discussion room, the lingering smell of cigarette smoke reminds
158me that, the first time I came here for the keys of the clubroom, I also had a talk with
159Hiratsuka sensei here. I recalled her weird expression she gave when she asked me to
160stay for another while, perhaps she felt lonely during that time.
161
162That time I didn't knew that she was going to be shifted away.
163
164I've been living a life where I've never been close with any teachers.
165
166So this is probably the first time, that I have to witness a teacher I truly appreciate is
167about to leave right in front of me.
168
169Sitting in the conversation room doesn't feel assuring, not being to see what Hiratsuka
170sensei is doing. The curtains that divide this room from the others give off a sense of
171dead silence, chipping my patient away bit by bit.
172
173The brief noises made by the janitor and the ringing of phones reminds me the flow of
174time. The skies outside are turning dark too.
175
176After staring outside the window for some time, I heard a knocking sound on the wall, as
177I looked around, Hiratsuka sensei is already standing in the room.
178
179"Sorry for keeping you waiting."
180
181"Ah, its fine....."
182
183Her smile seemed so weak that its giving off a sense of loneliness, making me unable to
184joke or grunt about all the waiting.
185
186Her presence acted like a block of solid air that fills up the discussion area, the rumbling
187noise from the staff room feels nonexistent all of a sudden, as if she created an isolated
188space for us alone.
189
190Only the sounds of leather could be heard as she sat on the sofa in front of me.
191
192"So, where do we start from..."
193
194Hiratsuka didn't continue speaking, instead she placed a can of that familiar, sugar
195saturated coffee on the table, and pushed it gently towards me.
196
197I don't feel thirsty, so I shook my head. She handed over the black coffee on her other
198hand.
199
200Guess I don't have a choice, so I chosen the coffee I'm familiar with.
201
202Holding the coffee in my hands, I silently waited for Hiratsuka to say something.
203
204But I'm instead replied with the regular tempo of knocking sounds.
205
206Hiratsuka took out a cigarette, hitting its tip on the table, I recall that this was done to
207sort out the tobacco in it, but now it seemed like she was trying to sort out something
208else.
209
210She then lit up the cigarette. The laminar flow of smoke starts to waver in turbulence as
211it goes up, the surroundings are filled with the fragrance of tar.
212
213I don't live in an environment with a lot of smokers. So I guess this fragrance will
214eventually vanish. And someday when I smelled tar, I'll remember of her, until someday
215where she completely fades from my memories.
216
217To conceal this sudden thought that I have, I started to talk:
218
219"For now, lets talk about the prom......."
220
221I ran all the way back here to know more about this , yet I made myself sound like I have
222something else to say.
223
224Hiratsuka sensei seemed to realize this, but still nodded her head in agreement.
225
226"Sure......"
227
228She applied more force onto the still long cigarette until it was put off, made a short sigh
229and continued:
230"From what I'm seeing right now, the school is currently reviewing towards the direction
231of cancelling the graduation prom."
232
233"Reviewing, huh."
234
235"Yes, they haven't come to a final decision, but its expected that the school won't change
236its attitude towards the matter, which is why they'll most probably request its organizers
237to perform self restraint."
238
239As Hiratsuka's narrates this inevitable truth with her calm and composed tone, I
240intercepted:
241
242"I'm assuming that 'self restraint' was simply a statement, but what it really meant is to
243cancel the event?"
244
245"Both the school and also the board are taking on a subtle position. It was the school that
246approved the prom in the first place, so they can't just call it off. Which is why they
247compromised by giving the order of self restraint."
248
249"But didn't we..."
250
251Hiratsuka sensei is giving off a bitter expression. Which reminds me that she most
252probably already discussed with Yukinoshita and the others over this matter. Revolving
253around the same issue won't get us anywhere, so I decided to ask something different.
254
255"But your opinion is different from what the school thinks, isn't it?"
256
257"Yes, I believe that we can achieve a common ground through further discussions with
258the related parties, but..."
259
260Hiratsuka didn't continue, but I'm able to guess what's the determining factor to the
261current situation.
262
263The promotional video of the graduation prom that sparked uncertainties within the
264hearts of the parents, Yukinoshita's mother, who represented the parental board a few
265days ago, and their concerns that stemmed from the various issues of graduation proms
266in foreign countries.
267
268These factors combined, are enough for the school to decide on cancelling the prom.
269
270"...Well, from the fact that came all the way here just to express their opinions, its not
271really surprising that things are how it is right now."
272
273"Indeed. The situation has grew beyond my level of responsibility and authority, and my
274opinions can only be treated as the school's reference. Sigh, the sadness of being a lowly
275civil servant."
276
277Just as what she said. Not just the teachers, even graduating students like me and
278everyone else in the lower hierarchy of the system. None of our opinions will be taken
279seriously by the school authorities.
280
281Forcefully achieve an equilibrium between each parties involved, have the weaker side
282put down their weapons, and expecting things to conclude without creating a huge
283storm.
284
285'Self restrain' is indeed an appropriate term to use.
286
287"Having a job is the worst, after all."
288
289"Not if you're working at the top, you have the freedom to do anything you want."
290
291We joked over the matter with a dead smile. But these jokes aren't wrong either. In the
292end of the day, we're just puppets being played by the will of those with authority.
293
294On this matter, Yukinoshita's mother is one holds the authority, a shadow ruler who has
295the school within her clutches.
296
297For such a figure to purposely come over, and requesting for a discussion with the
298school's administration.
299
300How trivial the topic is doesn't matter, just by seeing Mrs Yukinoshita to show such
301concern, is enough to make everyone to treat the matter in a superficial way.
302
303Her true intentions is irrelevant, as what the others observed is merely the nature of the
304act.
305
306Even if Mrs Yukinoshita only came here 'to discuss','to inquire', for a person with such a
307status to be here, is enough for others to feel pressured, enough to create an atmosphere
308for people to have wonders.
309
310For example when two important figures having pleasant tea break together, outsiders
311will feel suspicious towards the context of their chat within the private room, ending up
312with the formation of such an atmosphere, where people will try to please the said
313important figures as much as possible.
314
315This occurs in our daily lives to, the cliched "please try to read the atmosphere oh god"
316dialogue is one of its products, where they speculate over unclear, ambiguous info, and
317treating such an act as a virtue.
318
319Its an unenlightened method of adjusting things, yet it tends to create peace. Within
320schools, neighborhoods, workplaces, and even within social groups to an extent, being
321able to adhere to these unspoken rules is a necessary communication skill.
322
323But then again isn't reading the atmosphere too much of a forceful demand? Expecting
324the man to always be the one to take the initiative to ask for one's contact method or to
325invite someone out, and this magical rule where the third date will be sufficient to create
326an atmosphere suitable for confessing. What is this down triangle spam [1] lookalike ? It
327just counters Zangief so much, its kinda unfair? Even if its not used against Zangief its
328still goddamn strong!
329
330The same communication skill applies even on most friend circles, when one of them
331started saying stuff like: "Isn't that person acting a little strange lately?" "He wasn't such
332a dick before." , then everyone suddenly thinks so hard like they're Habu Yoshiharu
333playing mind games in his shogi match [2]. And boom, the center of discussion suddenly
334got isolated without even realizing it.
335
336In such an unfair shogi battle matchup, if you can't figure a way to get a 14 hand to
337escape, even Hokkaido chicken fritters [3] will end up becoming roasted chicken [4].
338
339Since every group have a set of their own rules, one has to carefully observe these
340signals, go along the flow, and get used to these rules. Or you'll end up like me, one who
341failed to adjust to these rules, kindergarden primary school secondary school high school
342cram school workplace, getting isolated in all these places. Ah, I'm truly the Eternal
343Seven Loner [5] , oh hey I'll most probably get an eight consecutive champion in college
344too, yay!
345
346Life is truly a big game of shogi.
347
348(Ref 5: "Eternal Seven Loner" in Japanese is a pun that sounds similar to Habu
349Yoshiharu)
350
351Thanks to being constantly judged over my ability to read the atmosphere, even if I can't
352read it, I'm still aware of its importance.
353
354Which is why I can't say much about the school's judgement. One can label such an act
355with 'bureaucratic collusion', but if I'm put in the same position as the school's
356authorities, I'll probably make the exact same decision. It's just too much of a pain to
357fight against the atmosphere.
358
359"So that's how it is huh......"
360
361I said this with a convinced yet dejected voice, as I unconsciously looked towards the
362ceiling above. Is it because I'm showing a defeated face? Hiratsuka sensei pushed the can
363of coffee that I had yet to take a single sip closer to me, I nodded gently to express my
364gratitude.
365I started reorganizing my thoughts while pulling the can opener.
366
367For now, it seems impossible to overturn the school's decision.
368
369A problem wouldn't exist as long as we don't view it as one. But when the existence of a
370problem is established, its also a wiser choice to not try smashing a rock using an egg if
371we're trying to solve the problem efficiently.
372
373Its clear that, the prom is currently facing a life or death situation.
374
375For the time being, only the student council, a small group of parents, and the school is
376aware of the self restrain order. If the news starts to spread among the students and the
377rest of the parents, the opposition will gain more momentum as more individuals join in
378the mob.
379
380Staying out of this will only make the situation harder, but there are no effective methods
381to solve it either.
382
383"Isn't this already a checkmate..."
384
385I followed up this statement with a weak laugh.
386
387At this moment, my eyes fell in line with Hiratsuka sensei's. Her eyes are giving off a
388slightly warm sensation, as if she has been silently waiting for my reaction, benching her
389elbows onto her knees, uncrossing her fingers: "As expected, you still want to make the
390prom a reality." she said in a speed slower than usual.
391
392Remembering of her question during the phone call, suddenly I'm at a loss of words.
393
394Hiratsuka sensei's tone sounded really soft, with no intention to reprimand me at all.
395However I still can't bring up a proper answer, as I still had second thoughts on whether
396it is right to be further involved with the graduation prom. That reckless remark I made
397during the phone call made me felt a little ashamed too. But what has been said has been
398said, and it pointless to try and deny that.
399
400Thus, I nodded my head once as if its simply responding to gravity, it probably looked
401more like I'm feeling down.
402
403"I don't know if this is correct......"
404
405Words without a proper direction wriggled out of my indecisive mouth. That one term
406that flashed through my mind made it sounded even weaker.
407
408'Codependency'.
409
410Yukinoshita Haruno's definition towards our relationship, felt completely true, and I
411can't find any solid proof to defend against that statement.
412
413My voice slowly fades out, and my eyesight slowly moves down.
414
415As I blankly stared at the aged cracks on the floor, Hiratsuka switched up the position of
416her crossing legs.
417
418"Well yes, Yukinoshita doesn't want you to interfere after all."
419
420As I looked up at Hiratsuka sensei, her eyes are filled with complete seriousness.
421
422I recalled that moment where Yukinoshita told me not to get further involved. Hiratsuka
423sensei was there too when she is doing that monologue. Which is why Hiratsuka is telling
424me this. Now that I think of it, Yukinoshita also didn't want me to know that the prom
425was going to be cancelled. I have an idea of what she's thinking, but perhaps Hiratsuka
426sensei knows more on the reason that Yukinoshita is hiding it from me.
427
428Being unsure of whether I'm able to be involved without getting noticed, I reacted
429towards the question with a light smile.
430
431The tight sensation on my rarely used facial muscles tells me that, I'm probably making a
432really bitter smile.
433
434To be honest, there's no doubt that things will only get more and more troublesome, just
435imagining all the directionless talk I'll have with her is making me feel depressed, and
436what ever conclusion that awaits us won't be anything good either. Even so, what has
437been decided has been decided, that I can't leave this situation alone. Thus I continued to
438smile.
439
440Looking at this fake smile I'm holding up, Hiratsuka's eyes slowly became gentle, a slight
441curve showed up on her lips.
442
443"......Its your move, then."
444
445"Well yeah, its not my first day not being expected of anything."
446
447Like I've always had, making unnecessary actions, the bad habit that I can't seem to get
448rid of immediately.
449
450Hearing that, Hiratsuka sensei blinked a few times as if she's in shock, and then started to
451laugh uncontrollably while covering her mouth.
452
453She's laughing a little too delightfully, that I had to raise my eyebrows as a protest,
454Hiratsuka then made a soft cough to hold in her smile.
455
456"Ahaha, sorry...I just felt very happy, you know."
457She expression then turned slightly worried.
458
459"But Yukinoshita is trying really hard to change something. I'm personally rooting for her
460so...I can't say that helping her without proper thought is a good idea. As it might turn up
461to be an obstruction to her growth. Especially when there's too much to think of like
462where we're at now."
463
464Her eyesight slowly turns towards me, her expression where she's struggling to tell me
465something speaks for her concern towards Yukinoshita.
466
467Hachiman: "You know, whatever codependency is......doesn't it sound like an
468overstatement? More accurately, it feels like a misunderstanding more than anything."
469
470"Well, yes...while I don't believe that its codependency, but what's more important is
471what viewpoint you decide to take. If your feelings are biased towards it, then no words
472will clear that up for you."
473
474"......Yes."
475
476I have experienced such stubbornness, more accurately, I once clinged on to such
477stubbornness.
478
479No matter how I console myself, its still not easy to give up this life that is as entangled
480and blurred like a cotton candy, thousands of carefully fabricated words aren't enough to
481cover up this monster of self conscious within me. Which is why now, that monster of
482self consciousness still lurks within me, staring from behind.
483
484This made me realize that, one can't simply brush off how they view themselves. I believe
485that its that same for Yukinoshita. Codependency, no matter if it is the truth or not, at
486least Yukinoshita has bounded herself to believe in such an idea. No matter how hard we
487try to deny it, she probably won't believe in us.
488
489"Haruno isn't completely wrong either. For Yukinoshita, this is an important trial that
490she has to overcome."
491
492"A trial huh..."
493
494I repeated this term that I rarely hear of, which Hiratsuka nodded in confirmation.
495
496"Well, you can say that this is a ceremony too."
497
498She then lit up another cigarette. Took a deeper breath from it, and exhaled out a slow
499thread of smoke.
500
501"Do you find it ridiculous?"
502"No, not really......" I replied while shaking my head: "this situation does seems to happen
503sometimes."
504
505"Well yes, things like this happens all the time. From getting the results for your music or
506manga entry, to competing in a sports event, participating the auditions of a singing
507contest, taking an exam or starting your career, even getting......that before your thirties
508is no different. There will always be that one period where you'll have to face yourself
509honestly."
510
511Her view that lands somewhere far outside the window, and her bittersweet tone made
512it sound like that she is reminiscing her own past.
513
514"Has this ever occurred to...you before?"
515
516"Yes, of course."
517
518She answered me with a gentle smile, Hiratsuka sensei took another sip of the cigarette.
519As she released a short puff of smoke, her iris dilated as if some of the smoke has diffused
520deep into her lungs.
521
522"There were a lot of things that I wanted to do in the past. There are also a lot of things
523that I can't do, and things I didn't wanted to do. A series of making choices, attempting,
524failing, giving up, and making a new choice, a cycle of events that never stops...even till
525now."
526
527Her words swayed lonely in the air along the swaying smoke.
528
529I have no idea what kind of past has she experienced to speak of such things, but they're
530a proof that the Hiratsuka sensei, this refined woman sitting in front of me, is a product
531of the numerous attempts and challenges she has faced.
532
533We have always sought for definitive proof that we can survive by ourselves, by gaining
534confidence, by building results. There won't be anyone who is willing to guarantee that
535for us, even if there's a guarantee, it will only be meaningless if we refuse to believe in
536these guarantees. Which is why we have such desires to prove ourselves.
537
538'Is it really correct to interfere with Yukinoshita's decision and resolve.' I recalled this
539question that Yukinoshita Haruno asked me not long ago.
540
541To choose, to challenge, to win or lose, these are something that she alone has to face.
542Will she allow anyone else to be involved in it? What identity and relationship I must
543have with her to be able to intervene? I have yet to find any answers.
544
545Hiratsuka tapped on the cigarette a few times to clean off the tobacco ash, and stared at
546me behind a veil of white smoke.
547"Let me ask you this one more time, how do you plan to talk to her, really?"
548
549She asked about a major issue that I'm hesitating with.
550
551She is certainly looking for my confirmation for one last time.
552
553I started to think carefully about what to say next, as I can't continue to make any more
554lies at this moment.
555
556"......I don't think that there is an option to not communicate with her."
557
558My answer during the phone call has not changed.
559
560And I won't repeat it for a second time, my thoughts and determination are not frivolous.
561
562There's no need for consideration either, I have already made a choice, and the
563conclusion has always been there.
564
565Yukinoshita's will has nothing to do with how I should act.
566
567As it has always been, I do not know any other methods available, the option I can take
568has only been that one single option. Attempting any other approach has never gone well
569for me. The more I try to avoid making mistakes the further I stray away from the right
570path.
571
572Which is why, I'll use the only method that I have.
573
574In reply to Hiratsuka's serious, intimidating glance, I looked back at her with my dead,
575rotten eyes, refusing to avert my line of view.
576
577Hiratsuka sensei then made a satisfied smile.
578
579"I see."
580
581She gently smiled with her eyes closed. The way she nodded in approval made me
582unsure of how to react.
583
584As I felt the pressure slowly turning into a gentle sensation, I ended up loosening my
585mind to the point of saying unnnecessary things:
586
587"Wait, 'I see'? That's it? "
588
589"Yes, that shall suffice. I have faith in you Hikigaya."
590
591Said Hiratsuka sensei without any hesitation.
592"Uhm, thanks."
593
594To hear her say this in such a direct way that felt like she's stating a simple fact, I can't
595even find myself to feel shy about it. I thanked her in a low voice as I nodded down in
596order to hide my heating cheeks.
597
598But it seems that I didn't hide it properly, as I heard her giggling.
599
600"Listen up Hikigaya, just helping out the prom won't be enough to help her. You'll have to
601take proper measures in what methods you use. You already knew this, didn't you."
602
603I nodded.
604
605She definitely won't accept my offer to help if I don't think of the appropriate words to
606use.
607
608Just making the prom happen won't be enough either. To present Yukinoshita's ability as
609an individual, to help her become independent is something that needs to be worked on
610too.
611
612Like the old saying of how teaching someone to fish is better than giving them fish. Its
613better for Yukinoshita to save herself, but I have yet to find a way to achieve all of these
614objectives.
615
616It took me a while to realize that I've been scratching my head the whole time.
617
618"Its definitely harder than it seemed to be......"
619
620"Yes, its hard alright......especially for your kind of situation."
621
622Hiratsuka took another mouthful of cigarette smoke, and blew out streams of smoke
623from both edges of her mouth.
624
625"I know right, our relationship only started because one of us needed help from others.
626And now our wills seem to be clashing with their polar opposites."
627
628I then crossed my fingers to form an X shape.
629
630Hiratsuka shrugged speechlessly and asked: "Really now. How do you think you guys
631managed to pull it through before this?"
632
633"How did we made it through, huh....."
634
635I actually had no idea, all I can remember is me doing things that hardly mattered in the
636end.
637Looking at my confused expression, Hiratsuka sensei clutched her fists, walked towards
638me and started doing air punches. P...please don't do that, she's gonna punch me really
639hard and then treat me very nicely, make me fall for her from the treatment contrast, the
640perfect script to create a masochist, oh god......
641
642She made a victorious smile upon seeing my frightened face.
643
644"When the ideals of two heroes of justice start to clash, neither of them will surrender
645without a fight."
646
647Her dialogue made me feel nostalgic, even if I have forgotten when was the first time I
648heard of it.
649
650"Oh......this brings back memories."
651
652"I know right?"
653
654Hiratsuka sensei replied in a joking tone.
655
656But her smile only lasted for an instant.
657
658The sides of her mouth are still curving up, but her lonesome eyes started looking into
659the realm of nothingness.
660
661"This really...brings back a lot of memories..."
662
663This dialogue that seemed to come out without her realizing it, is not meant for me, but
664her speaking to herself.
665
666While I let Hiratsuka to have her own moment, I turned my neck left and right to relax
667my head a bit. Even if we both felt nostalgic, her current feelings are contextually
668different from mine, so I kept quiet.
669
670The silence however didn't last long, as Hiratsuka sensei continued speaking:
671
672"Its not the first day you two have different opinions isn't it? But you all managed to
673overcome such situations, to have faith in what you have gained from those past
674experiences, is my suggestion to you."
675
676"Yeah...I'll try." I replied her with a gentle smile.
677
678She does not wish to be assisted, but I can't avoid communicating with her either. Which
679is why a new way of communication has to be sought. Reviewing my past experiences
680gave me a vague yet solid answer.
681
682Seeing me nodding in enlightenment, Hiratsuka smiled in satisfaction:
683"Now that you came up with a clearer guideline, I think its time to go meet up with her,
684Yukinoshita should still be in the student council room right now, go."
685
686"Yes, I'll be leaving th...wait, one last thing I wanted to ask you."
687
688As I was about to stand up, I remembered of something that I was curious of since the
689beginning of the conversation.
690
691"Hmm?"
692
693Hiratsuka sensei tilted her head, and made a childish smile that hardly fits her current
694age. My expression I'm having right now seemed more sinister in comparison:
695
696"So in the end of the day, the prom's organizers only need to perform self restraint , isn't
697it?"
698
699"...I was asked with the same question not long ago."
700
701The way Hiratsuka said it tells me that, Yukinoshita and the others have no intent to give
702up on the graduation prom. In fact , they already came up with this conclusion right
703before me.
704
705Hiratsuka sensei closed her eyes, and then let up a deep sigh as if she gave up struggling.
706Took another mouthful of smoke, and then released them as she looked towards a
707distant place within the scenery outside.
708
709I know that her actions indicate that she has acquiesced with our ideas. While I felt
710grateful to Hiratsuka sensei, it also left me worried about the consequences.
711
712"But if we continued doing this, wouldn't it put you in a very risky situation?"
713
714If unwanted events occurred during the process, she'll have to take full responsibility for
715our mess. I'm not sure what kind of punishment the school authorities will impose onto
716her, but she'll definitely end up being judged by both concerned and unconcerned
717parties. Lynches that goes with the name of social justice are pretty common after all.
718
719But Hiratsuka sensei simply shrugged, and said with a playful tone:
720
721"By the time anything happens I won't be around anyways, I don't care about what
722happens after I'm gone."
723
724"Ahaha, said it like a typical modern youngster."
725
726"Of course, I am a modern youngster after all."
727
728In protest to my comment. She tapped on the table for a times as she adjusted her tone to
729sound like a youngster. Her joke made me start to laugh out of control.
730
731"Even if things did came down to the worst, I'm only gonna lose my job. Its no big deal,
732just do whatever you want."
733
734Hiratsuka continued to joke around, tapping her throat with a handknife.
735
736"Eh......nah I can't just do that...."
737
738Don't just bet your career over it. This pressures me so hard, that my lifespan is
739shortening like mad girl.
740
741"Don't mind me, its just a joke. My wits are stronger than you thing, if I really lost my job,
742I'm just gonna get married, if I find one who's willing to, that is."
743
744Her fingers slides across her hair, as she starts to laughs ironically.
745
746I can't get myself to laugh over this matter, yet I ended up laughing softly and said:
747
748"You'll be fine."
749
750"What, you plan to marry me someday?"
751
752Hiratsuka reacted almost instantaneously with a shocked face. Wait what no? She's too
753precious for me to own! So someone please, before I change my mind, please marry her
754now!
755
756As I was thinking on how to reply her, she stared at me with her big round eyes like an
757abandoned labrador. Ah, large canines are just so cute......but wait, I already have a cat in
758my house. So I shook my head in embarassment.
759
760"Actually I don't have plans to deal with the situation with chaotic methods......I think."
761
762I said it without sounding too confident.
763
764We're in a really unfavorable situation. Trying to achieve a mutual agreement with
765Yukinoshita is going to be a challenge too.
766
767But even if I'm aware that we haven't obtained the win condition, I still have to sound
768optimistic, or else Doraemon can't go back to the future in peace...
769
770I tried to smile as much as possible to cover up my facade. And so, Hiratsuka stared at me
771silently.
772
773"......So reliable."
774Like a person watching a car leaving into the distance, she closed her eyes slowly, and
775said it in a gentle voice.
776
777Hearing that made me blush for a moment, without realizing it, I tured my head away
778while touching my hair.
779
780I made big words that hardly suits someone of my identity.
781
782Being aware that I should also make sure that my methods won't cause Hiratsuka sensei
783to be affected to its consequences, the difficulty of the situation seemed to has increase a
784little more than the hard mode it already is.
785
786Even so, this made me sense a glimpse of light within the situation.
787
788If the process is handled properly, there won't be any situation where Hiratsuka sensei
789will have to take responsibility for us. Well yeah, probably, it better be.
790
791Sigh, but then again I should really prepare myself to explain to my parents, on why
792would I marry a woman who's about ten years older than me.
793
794Anyway, now that my course of action has been decided. Since there's nothing more for
795us to speak of. The both of us remained silent.
796
797Within the few seconds of silence, I swallowed down the rest of the sweet coffee, and
798stood up getting ready to leave. Picked up my school bag and coat that was put aside,
799leaving everything else in the room.
800
801"I'm going."
802
803"Umu."
804
805I made a short goodbye, which she replied with a nod.
806
807Our chat has now come to an end, on the timing that I think is most appropriate.
808
809But just as I was about to walk out of the room, I heard her voice coming from behind:
810
811"Hikigaya."
812
813I did not look back, but I don't plan on ignoring her call either, so I halted.
814
815"I'm sorry......that I can't bring myself to say it."
816
817I'm unable to see Hiratsuka sensei's expression at this moment, yet its not hard to
818imagine the way she's looking onto the floor sadly, because its the same expression I'm
819having right now.
820As I tried to say something, the bitterness of the coffee that should've been completely
821swallowed rose back up, and my throat is blocked by the strong scent of condensed milk.
822
823I reacted by forcing the coffee back into my stomach, along with the words that I wanted
824to say.
825
826"Cough....no, you don't have to apologize."
827
828Turned my head over my shoulders, and with the properly prepared smiling face, I
829continued saying:
830
831"There's nothing that we can do about, that's just how jobs work. I understand that your
832position doesn't allow you to talk about it. And its not like your transfer has been decided
833yet right?"
834
835I tried to say it in the most fluent and natural way possible. But Hikagaya Hachiman was
836never a bright cheerful person to begin with, which made it sound blank and insincere
837instead.
838
839Hiratsuka sensei acted as if she isn't bothered by it, and continued to say while looking
840down.
841
842"Well yeah, the official dismissal letter haven't been given yet."
843
844To not speak about things that haven't been officially announced. This is a rule that
845comes along with the job position.
846
847But deep down, we're both aware that this is merely an excuse. Yet this is an actual
848existing rule that must not be broken.
849
850Which is why we decided to accept and compromise. No malicious or virtuous will exists
851behind her decision, she is simply complying with the rules. Because we're aware of such
852a rule, there is nothing that we can do about it, except for accepting it with a smile.
853
854"But its gonna be really embarrassing if I don't have to leave in the end. Ahahaha...."
855
856Said Hiratsuka sensei as she followed with a laugh while stroking her hair.
857
858"Isn't that so? Hahaha..."
859
860I laughed too, and I started to feel a little more relaxed.
861
862But that couldn't make the emptiness to leave me.
863
864I am well aware of it.
865Making jokes won't change anything, in fact the act of joking itself will eventually turn
866stale, and verbal conversation can only serve to disguise ourselves.
867
868But all things will come to an end eventually.
869
870Our conversation has came to an end too.
871
872"I'm going, then."
873
874"Yes, do your best."
875
876I took a slight bow, as I walked out of the room, the flickering sounds of a flame being lit
877up could be heard from behind.
878
879Along with a short sigh.
880
881Hiratsuka sensei will be working in the staff room for another while, I guess.
882
883I then closed the door to the staff room.