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3F4W~!#654 - LIDDELL, ST. PIERRE VICTORIOUS - JANUARY 7, 2008
4BY OBSERVER STAFF | STAFF@WRESTLINGOBSERVER.COM | @WONF4W
5TWITTERFACEBOOKGOOGLE+
6Georges St. Pierre is the new UFC Interim Welterweight Champion -- I guess -- beating Matt Hughes with a second round armbar in a completely dominating performance.
7
8The story is well known by now. At UFC 69 on April 7th in Houston, TX, in one of the great upsets in UFC history, Matt Serra, a total underdog who was coming off a win on the Ultimate Fighter Season V all-star show, knocked out St. Pierre in 3:25 of the first round to win the Welterweight Title. St. Pierre was thought to be the best fighter in the world at that weight, and even after the fight many people still believed so. You can't really call it a fluke because there was nothing flukey about it; St. Pierre just got knocked the fuck out with a shot he never saw coming.
9
10If you're looking for excuses, the best you can come up with is that St. Pierre was having some personal issues around the time of the fight and wasn't there mentally. For some fighters, a loss like this wouldn't help matters, but with St. Pierre it was different. He became driven. He went to a renowned sports psychologist who talked to him about losing as a high-level athlete. He rededicated himself to fighting.
11
12Meanwhile, the number one contender to the Welterweight Title was Matt Hughes. Hughes and St. Pierre had fought twice before. At UFC 50 on October 22nd, 2004 Hughes beat St. Pierre with an armbar for the title which had been vacated after champion BJ Penn decided he was going to do a fight for K-1 in Japan. Hughes went on to defend the title successfully against both Frank Trigg and the returning Penn, and then faced off against St. Pierre in a rematch on November 18, 2006. This was a totally different St. Pierre. Hughes was unable to take him down and St. Pierre eventually knocked him out standing, winning the title decisively and holding onto it until Serra came along.
13
14To build up the Hughes vs. Serra fight, both guys were chosen to be coaches for Ultimate Fighter Season VI. This formula has worked well in the past and it was a success here. There are certain rivalries in MMA where it's clear that the guys are rivals because they know that's what is going to draw money. In this case, you had two guys who legitimately did not like each other and weren't afraid to say so. The season was compelling as Serra's team nearly swept the quarterfinals, but then Hughes' team made the big comeback and ultimately it was his two fighters that made it to the finals. Throughout the twelve weeks Hughes and Serra engaged in a war of words, and it ended up being one of the most eagerly anticipated fights of the year.
15
16Then one day Serra was training in the gym and he went down. He'd blown a disc in his back and was pretty much carried to the hospital. He kept it quiet for several days, hoping it was some fluke thing that would clear up quickly, but finally over Thanksgiving week he was forced to tell Dana that he couldn't fight. Dana claimed he was on suicide watch for about five hours.
17
18Several different possible replacements were batted about, but then a somewhat unlikely candidate stepped forward -- Georges St. Pierre. White had talked for months of doing a show in Montreal in early 2008, and the plan was for St. Pierre to face the winner of the Hughes/Serra fight there in his hometown. It seemed insane for him to take this fight on about five weeks' notice, but he demanded it. Hughes accepted, feeling that St. Pierre's conditioning might not be up to par for a potential five round title fight, plus he preferred to have the fight in Vegas as opposed to in Montreal before a hometown crowd.
19
20St. Pierre, however, was not really coming into this fight with five week's notice. He said that he'd had a feeling a long time back that either Hughes or Serra was going to get hurt and there would need to be a replacement. He'd begun pretty serious training all the way back in September with the idea of perhaps taking a shot at the Olympic trials in freestyle wrestling. St. Pierre, unlike Hughes and a number of others, had never wrestled growing up and began training relatively later in his life. He has tremendous balance and explosive power, however, and he picked it up remarkably quick. The stories coming out of his camp, likely exaggerated, were that even the best wrestlers there were unable to take him down. There has been much debate about who the greatest wrestler in UFC today is, Hughes or Josh Koscheck. Both have extensive backgrounds. Both were ultimately outwrestled by St. Pierre. The Olympic trials were in December, but he gave up on that dream to take the UFC fight, saying wrestling was a hobby while UFC was his life.
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22If there is a good thing to say about Hughes' performance, it's that he did better in this fight than he did in the last one. He couldn't take St. Pierre down, however, and St. Pierre took him down at will. Hughes really couldn't do a thing with him, and in a poetic finish St. Pierre not only avenged his defeat, but avenged it with almost the same hold he'd lost to the first time, a straight armbar.
23
24After the fight, St. Pierre was given the Interim Title. He then cut a promo saying that he was very happy that UFC had given it to him and that it would look nice in his trophy case, but to him it was not the real belt. He threw it to one of his trainers and said no matter what anyone said, in his mind the real champion right now was Matt Serra and he would not consider himself the champion until he beat him. He said he had a lot of personal issues going into that first fight but was not going to make any excuses -- Matt Serra was the better man that night. He vowed to prove in the next fight, though, that he was the better man. This was such a money promo I could have wept, and it's hardly the first one St. Pierre has cut. I think virtually everyone in the world would consider Serra the underdog going into that fight regardless of what happened the first time, as the St. Pierre that fought this past Saturday night looked once again at a level above everyone else in the entire world in that division. And now Serra will likely have the unenviable task of defending his title against St. Pierre on April 19 at the Bell Centre in Montreal. Not sure about the US, but that right there should be the biggest fight in the history of Canada.
25
26As for Hughes, well, who knows? He had talked quite a bit about retiring over the past several months, including during a speech to his team on Ultimate Fighter. Recently he seemed to have a change of heart, noting that he was opening up his own gym and was in great shape and had years left in his career. During the post-fight, Joe Rogan interviewed him and asked him point blank what his future held. Hughes, smiling, said he wasn't sure. He said he wasn't going to make any excuses, that he came into this fight fully prepared and gave it 120 percent, and that St. Pierre was quite simply the better fighter. He said he wanted to thank his fans for showing up and also Georges' fans, since those were the people that paid their bills. Regarding his future, he said he had opened up a new school and had just written a book, and there were already people asking him to do another one. He said he had a lot of things on his mind and was going to sit down with his family and Dana White and decide where to go from here. After all the drama on Ultimate Fighter, this was a hell of a babyface promo.
27
28Personally, I think the best course of action would be to do the St. Pierre vs. Serra fight and if, as expected, Serra is beaten, at the very least do the Serra vs. Hughes fight before Hughes calls it a career. So much time was invested in it and there is so much great footage available that I think it would make for a great All Access or Countdown special and pop a good buyrate. I talked to plenty of people in the weeks leading up to this PPV that were so sad that this fight wasn't taking place.
29
30And speaking of great Countdown and All Access specials, All Access Wanderlei Silva was a masterpiece. It was one of those shows where I watched it and thought to myself that if UFC were more mainstream, if they had a better television platform, this PPV would have done a million buys no problem. They made good use of the PRIDE library for once, airing clips of him stomping the shit out of guys, and showed him doing the most insane training, nutty cardio while wearing a snorkel to restrict his oxygen, whacking tires with sledgehammers, taking cold ice baths (although my question was why he kept his head above water during his bath and didn't just go all the way underwater and use his snorkel), etc. It was so great.
31
32I don't know if the long-awaited Wanderlei Silva vs. Chuck Liddell fight fully lived up to the hype, if only because everyone expected a knockout. In fact, I believe during the pre-fight press conference Dana said he would bet his ENTIRE FORTUNE that we would get a knockout. Didn't happen. But they had one hell of a great war, and I don't care what anyone says I thought it was one of the most exciting fights of the year. What could be determined when it was over? I don't know. I can tell you that Chuck Liddell, after two disappointing performances, looked like he knew it was time to buckle down for this, one of the biggest fights of his career. I know that Wanderlei knew that this man Chuck Liddell had knockout power from all sorts of wacky angles, and that he could not be the insane swinging madman, nor could he throw stomps and soccer kicks, one of his most effective weapons if the fight went to the ground. I know that there was a moment in the fight when Wanderlei knocked Chuck on his ass, and knowing that he couldn't do the stomps and kicks he just stood there for a moment seemingly wondering what he could do. I know that the rules of a fight dictate who has the advantage, and with these rules the advantage went to Liddell. I know that Wanderlei was noticeably smaller than he'd ever been in PRIDE, likely due to increased drug testing in the US, and was in fact small enough that he looked like he walked around only a few pounds heavier than 205 (in the old days he was basically a heavyweight in PRIDE that cut to what they considered middleweight) and could realistically fight at 185. And I know that the beat the holy hell out of each other for three rounds.
33
34In the end Chuck got the decision with two judges giving it 30-27 and one judge giving it a 29-28. I believe that third judge gave the first round to Wanderlei, which perplexes me as I gave Chuck the first and third and Silva the second. Either way, the right man won this fight for a number of different reasons. Going in, they were almost billing this as a loser leaves town match. Both Joe Rogan and Dana White in video packages were talking about how both Silva and Liddell were putting their FUTURES on the line here. Obviously, this was hype. I will say that a third loss in a row for Chuck could have been devastating, though if they'd had this same fight and he'd lost the decision I don't think it would have hurt him all that much. With Silva, yes, it's his third loss in a row, but at the same time that's a third straight loss that hardcore fans are aware of, and to a lot of UFC fans this was his debut and he got a clean slate. Yes, he lost, but he lost a fucking WAR, and that's the sort of thing where when it's over the fans are actually clamoring to see him back. As much as people wanted to see a knockout, this was a victory in every possible way. Chuck Liddell, the biggest draw the company has and the closest thing they have, as they often say, to a rock star, is BACK. Is he really back? I don't know. He looked really good, and the key is that tons and tons of fans wanted him to be back and he looked like he was back here. A week ago, 2008 didn't look all that great. All of that has changed with this fight. With twelve weeks of first-run TV hyping it up, Quinton Jackson vs. Forrest Griffin should be a huge fight this spring. Chuck vs. the winner of that fight this summer could be monstrous. And if Silva can string up a series of wins, then Silva vs. the winner of the summer fight could do gigantic business in December. Ideally, you'd have Quinton beat Forrest to set up the Quinton vs. Liddell rematch, because there is a great story with Silva vs. either Liddell (in the rematch) or Quinton (who he massacred twice in PRIDE). Of course, fantasy booking UFC is always a bad idea. UFC had a really unlucky 2007, though, and it just seems inevitable that they would have to have more luck in 2008.
35
36This was a show that started out OK, plunged to depths of misery rarely seen in fighting, then picked up big time at the finish. I loved the Silva fight and thought the St. Pierre fight was great for a one-sided humbling, so overall a big thumbs up.
37
381. Rich Clementi vs. Melvin Guillard. These men legit hate each other. Apparently there was an indy MMA show a few months back and one of them punched the other. Prior to ring intros, Melvin teased going after him. Rich's nickname is "No Love". How about NO BUYS. That would be my nickname. They didn't do a staredown before the fight. I guess they didn't trust them. Both guys were ripped to shreds. They were swinging for the fences early, largely Melvin. I love when dudes are sponsored by Condom Depot. Always makes me laugh. Is there really that much money to be made in a condom depot place? Do you really need to go to a depot? Anyway. Clementi slammed him, after carrying him around for awhile, then got his back. He actually applied, no joke, a FULL NELSON. He did not get a submission. They had a scramble and ended up back on the feet, and the place went haywire. Mevlin with a HYOOGE overhand right and a flurry, but then he fell on his ass. Clementi pounced, but Melvin took him down. Clementi switched and got his back with 40 seconds left. He put on a rear naked choke. Melvin apparently tried to hang on but Herb Dean stopped it. Melvin was NOT happy about that. We need a replay here. Well, we got one. Melvin tapped. I was trying to figure out what he was so upset about, and then I saw that when Clementi stood up after the stoppage he gave the guy a crotch chop. A CROTCH CHOP.
39
40Clementi cut a promo afterwards, a five-star heel promo. First thing he said was, "He still hasn't learned his lesson. Look at him. Get the hell out of here!" The place booed like crazy. "Nothing worse than a guy who talks shit and can't back it up." He added, "Melvin ain't shit." THIS FEUD MUST CONTINUE.
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42In the text voting, the fans were slightly favoring St. Pierre and heavily favoring Liddell.
43
442. Sokoudjou vs. Lyoto Machida. Sokoudjou came out wearing a Predator mask, to traditional Cameroon music, if such a thing exists. He's a real-life Kofi Kingston. Sokoudjou with a scary shot on the feet early, then a takedown. Machida immediately swept him. Machida tried to pass the guard and then went for a kimura. Sokoudjou was looking at his corner. This looks remarkably like the Houston Alexander fight, except Machida isn't pounding on him. This was already going longer than any Sokoudjou fight to date. Crowd was booing. Ref finally stood them up. Rogan was like, that was unusual. He noted that Machida was controlling the position. They did some stuff on the feet, then Sokoudjou took him down and they didn't do much until the round ended. Machida's nickname should be THE NEGATER. Sokoudjou did some pretty kicks in the second, but didn't come close with anything. Machida suddenly caught him right in the face and knocked him on his ass. He tried to finish but Sokoudjou survived. Machida went to pass the guard again. He got the mount with two full minutes left. Rogan said Sokoudjou was being OWNED in this fight. Sokoudjou squirmed and Lyoto ended up in side control. He put on a side choke and Sokoudjou calmly tapped. Well. He did get owned.
45
463. Soa Palelei vs. Eddie Sanchez. Eddie's nickname is, no joke, the MANIC HISPANIC. Soa was undefeated for a long time, then lost and retired for three years. Then he came back and has been doing quite well for himself. To the fans early, this fight was NO BUYS. Lots of clinching on the fence with two dudes nobody knew anything about, except maybe Sanchez, who holds the unimpressive distinction of being a man who was actually beaten by Mirko Crocop in UFC. Soa got kicked in the penis and needed a break. I'd need a few breaks. More clinching and such. Dirty Sanchez was throwing lots of shots, scoring POINTS. There was a moment of excitement and Soa swung, missed, and fell on his ass. A monumentally boring first round. So the second round was as boring as the first. Rogan said that Eddie was winning the fight. He sounded like he was about to fall asleep. At least on Raw when shit is boring Ross and JR make fun of each other. This was both announcers trying to pretend like this was more exciting than it is. They did admit that this was a nationally televised PPV with tens of thousands of people watching live and in Soa's first UFC bout he wasn't doing all that much. The ref separated them for boringness. God damn we need the PRIDE yellow cards. When I own UFC I am going to have a penalty card system. I will award a yellow card for boringness, which costs a man ten percent of his purse each time. In severe cases, men will be given a red card, which means the fight ends and both of you don't get paid. If a man with a reputation for red cards continues fighting in such a manner he will be awarded a black card, which means he will be hung by the neck until dead. So yeah, this was a boring round. Eddie hit him hard a few times. Soa didn't do a thing. Eddie was hitting a large heavy bag in the third. Yee haw. Soa was bleeding. Whoo hoo. "Eddie Sanchez is just free-ballin here," said Rogan. What the hell? At least it was something funny. Vince and Tony left during this fight to watch football or something. Fuck them. Like I was to watch this bullshit fight by myself. Eddie kept hitting him and the ref finally waved it off. What an unbelievably boring fight. Apparently Dan Henderson coached both Sokoudjou and Soa. He looked very unhappy coming into the Octagon. Not as unhappy as me.
47
48Eddie was happy. He said "VIVA MEXICO!"
49
504. Wanderlei Silva vs. Chuck Liddell. Silva came out to techno music. What happened to my axe murderer? I guess this sounds like something someone would have come out to in PRIDE. Silva was down tons in weight and looked shockingly human. We'll see what that means tonight. They noted that Silva was the most popular guy at the weigh-ins. When the lights dimmed for Chuck's entrance you could hear tons and tons of boos. Well. Of course, then he showed up on the big screen and they went nuts. Silva got booed during ring intros. HERB DEAN was the referee. "We're gonna have a nice, clean fight!" Both guys were very tentative early. Liddell was throwing jabs and Wanderlei threw a hard leg kick. Wanderlei was suddenly backing up and it was hard to tell if he was playing possum or had been rocked. They had a huge slugfest and both were landing shots. Chuck landed two shots right to the face. Silva was landing some shots, but Chuck was winning the exchanges. David Spade was marking out. We're on to round two. Silva came out in the second as the AXE MACHINE, swinging and throwing. He soon calmed down. Silva's stand-up was getting more accurate. Chuck threw a kick and fell on his ass. Wanderlei pounced but Chuck made it back to his feet not too much the worse for wear. Silva was being very calm. In fact, Chuck fell on his ass again and Silva just stood there to let him get back up. It'll be interesting to see if that's counted as two knockdowns. They clinched and people booed like crazy. Silva got cut open and he was bleeding everywhere, and suddenly he BECAME THE AXE MURDERER AGAIN. Now Chuck was bleeding. Silva was getting rocked so he pulled guard. That was one fucking awesome round. We're onto the third. Liddell took him down. You think I'm kidding. The first thing he did was shoot in and take him down. It quickly ended up back on the heat. I wonder if Liddell did that just for the point. Silva didn't look too great here. He'd taken quite the beating. Chuck actually hit a spinning backfist and rocked him, then laid in tons of shots on the fence. Silva survived. They were at the three minute mark and Chuck was winning the fight. Chuck was looking at the clock with a minute thirty left. Thirty seconds left and Silva needed a flurry. Instead, Chuck took him down. Well, looks like Chuck gets the decision here. Two 30-27s and a 29-28 for Liddell.
51
52Chuck said it was great to be back. He said Wanderlei had a way better chin than he'd thought. He plugged his afterparty at Studio 54. Liddell is starting to sound more and more like Don Frye. Silva cut a promo afterwards, saying win or lose he loved giving a great fight to his fans. "Thanks for coming, my pleasure!" he said. He claimed he was going to train harder next time. Is that possible? I would like to note that Silva had the greatest jacket on that I've ever seen and I must get one now.
53
545. Georges St. Pierre vs. Matt Hughes. Both guys shook hands before their fight. Unlike a few guys on this show, these guys actually like each other. Hughes was going for takedowns immediately. Hughes tried another takedown and failed, and then St. Pierre took him down. They were both throwing hard shots. St. Pierre passed to half guard and Matt tried a sweep. Couldn't get it. St. Pierre had him bulled up against the cage. Hughes was taking some hard shots. St. Pierre had a hell of a tan. He got full mount and was doing these push-ups where he'd drop his whole weight down on Matt's head. That was insane. Ref was giving George warnings about hitting the back of the head. St. Pierre had his back as the round ended. Both guys patted each other on the back as they were heading to the corners. Complete ownage by GSP. Neither guy looked all that tired going into the second round. There were "GSP!" chants, and also "USA!" St. Pierre took him down and passed into half guard. Hughes had a pretty good guard. St. Pierre got the mount and Hughes turned, giving him the back. Matt actually escaped and went for a takedown. St. Pierre wouldn't go down and ended up taking Matt over with a sweet hip toss, ended up in side control. He finally spun his way into a kimura and then a straight armbar for the submission. St. Pierre had a great celebration afterwards, doing a bunch of breakdancing and a kip up. Lots of "GSP!" chants. We have a new Interim Welterweight Champion. Hughes smiled and shook his hand afterwards.
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56a. Manny Gamburyan vs. Nate Mohr. Manvel the Anvil rushed in at the beginning and was a HOUSE OF FIRE. I knew Nate was in trouble from before the fight even started because his music was SO fruity. Also, I read the spoilers. Manvel took him down and Anvil'd his ass. He quickly put on a leglock and that was the end of Nate Mohr. Nate was on the ground writhing in agony afterwards. Not sure what happened, but he got fucked up. He's holding his knee so it looks like he got put in a heel hook and had his knee wrenched out. I would be totally fine with heel hooks being banned in UFC competition. It's too dangerous, and plenty of organizations have put the ixnay on it. Manny thanked God afterwards for allowing him to tear this man's knee out and possibly do permanent damage. He said he wanted NATE DIAZ and was going to win his title. He said he thought he broke Nate's leg. "I'm so sorry, man!" Well, that was nice of him. They showed a close-up and it didn't look like a heel hook. I don't know what it was, but it was BAD.
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58
59New Year's BATTEL report
60The big 2007 New Year's Battle in Japan wasn't much of a battle, seeing as to how both shows were promoted at least in part by K-1.
61
62K-1, sources reveal, promoted the K-1 show. But they also, as a way of creating competition for themselves in the vein of the WWE vs. WCW war after Vince bought WCW (seriously, this was their motivation, which tells you a certain book was not translated into Japanese), helped promote the Yarennoka! show, put together by the former front office staff of the PRIDE organization. To avoid directly competing with each other, the two events did not go head to head as they have in the past.
63
64As noted last week, in the early part of the 21st century New Year's Eve was the hottest night of the year for mixed martial arts in Japan. It peaked in 2003 when K-1, PRIDE and Antonio Inoki's Bom Ba Ye event all went head-to-head. This was also the beginning of the end for PRIDE. Inoki's group managed to secure a Fedor Emelianenko vs. Yuji Nagata match. Fedor was a free agent at the time, but he was also the PRIDE World Heavyweight Champion. The promoter of the event later revealed that he'd been paid a visit by Yakuza members (Japanese Mafia), who told him that he needed to pay roughly a $2 million booking fee to use Fedor whether he was under PRIDE contract or not. He claimed they threatened his life and subsequently fled the country for several years. In 2006, the story came out in Shukan Gendai magazine in Japan, alleging among many things that PRIDE was backed by the Yakuza. The whole thing ended with Fuji TV cancelling their contract with PRIDE, and without a TV contract it was only a matter of time before they went belly-up. This past March, UFC bought the assets for tens of millions of dollars.
65
66So things aren't quite as exciting anymore. No PRIDE. No Bom-Ba-Ye. Just K-1 and now Yarennoka! It's unknown at this point what the future of the latter event will be. There were people who looked at it as the beginning of a new era for PRIDE, a rebirth so to speak (many of the newspapers were billing it as the PRIDE rebirth, even using the old logo, but the promoters themselves weren't so blatant), and others who looked as it as the real final show. Time will tell. We were told that live it was an amazing experience and truly did hearken back to the original, with the 10 minute opening rounds, knees on the ground, and the trademark crazy screaming female ring announcer. I've seen a few of the fights but not the entire show, and we're told as a whole it was one of the best events of the year.
67
68Much of this show aired live on HDNet throughout the United States (meaning, at 3:00 AM PST), but since I don't have HDNet it sucked to be me.
69
70They did the super fancy opening ceremony which included the dudes in sumo outfits pounding on the drums. Not sure, but apparently Nobuhiko Takada was among them.
71
721. Mike Russow beat Roman Zentsov. Not much of a fight. Roman got taken down quickly and Russow maneuvered into a choke for the tapout.
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742. Tatsuya Kawajiri beat Luiz Azerado via decision in a largely one-sided fight. Kawajiri mostly had the dominant position and Azerado failed at a number of submission attempts from the guard. Crowd like the hometown guy getting the win.
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763. Makoto Takimoto beat Murilo Bustamante via decision. Bustamante, 41, is a former UFC Middleweight champion from back in the day. He looks much older than his age, which is apparently what happens with Brazilian fighters. Bustamante took the first round, but Takimoto picked things up in the second and even knocked him on his ass with a shot. He did more damage, and under the old PRIDE rules it's not 10-point must but who won the fight overall. In the US, Bustamante probably would have gotten the decision, but it's not the US, it's Japan, and with this scoring it was given to Takimoto.
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784. Mitsuhiro Ishida beat Gilbert Melendez. Melendez was the favorite in this fight and ended up losing the decision, and it wasn't close unlike the previous fight. Ishida was unable to come close to finishing him but overall he did more damage in the fight and controlled the pace with his superior wrestling. Gilbert did a few slams here and there, but it wasn't enough.
79
805. Kazuo Misaki beat Yoshihiro Akiyama. I saw this fight and it was something else. Unfortunately, I saw it on Youtube so I couldn't really get a read on what the crowd was like. I was told they were gonzo insane. Basically, Akiyama was BANISHED FOR LIFE (meaning, several months) from K-1 last year after it came out that he'd greased his legs in a fight with beloved legend Kazushi Sakuraba. Shit like that don't fly in the Land of the Rising Sun. So in this fight, the dastardly poor sportsman heel Akiyama was facing Young Misaki, who was fighting for Sakuraba's honor. Apparently before the fight they aired a video where Misaki said he didn't even want to fight on the same SHOW as this goddamn CHEATER, but in this case he was going to fight him just to SHUT HIS MOUTH. MONEY PROMO ALERT. The heat for this was said to be out of this world live, to the point where it came off as an unbelievable fight. With limited sound on a small screen, the fight was nothing special until the finish. It was largely all on the feet and very tentative. Finally, nearly the finish, Akiyama decked him with a punch and pounced, and it looked like the fight was close to being stopped. Misaki survived, though, and shortly thereafter was on his feet. It was one of those moments where you imagined that Akiyama was thinking, "Fuck, what do I have to do to beat this guy?" So then, out of nowhere, ("with NO WARNING"), Misaki hit a straight right hand right on the button and Akiyama went down. As Akiyama was trying to get back to his feet, Misaki threw this FUCKING BRUTAL Muay Thai kick right to the face and that was all she wrote. Finish was just amazing and the place went haywire. After the fight was over, Misaki took the mic and gave Akiyama The Cheater a verbal tongue lashing for his unacceptable behavior. It is a great time to be alive.
81
826. Fedor Emelianenko beat Hong-Man Choi. Saw this baby as well. The first thing you notice is the size difference. There are many people who have met Fedor and said that he doesn't look all the big on TV, but in person he's huge. Well, he looked like Urijah Faber in there with Frank Mir, as Hong-Man Choi is a legit 7-2. It was just absolutely ridiculous. Because this was PRIDE rules and because the size differential was such, Fedor opted out of the knees on the ground and such. This match opened with a TAKAYAMA TAKEDOWN as Fedor tried to take the giant off his feet and the giant landed on top of him in the mount. Oops. Luckily for Fedor, this is Hong-Man Choi and not someone with a world-class ground game. Fedor immediately tried an armbar but Choi stood up and just sort of flung him off. Fedor took a few shots during this scramble and his face was a bit messed up later. So then as they were on the feet the best shot of the entire fight landed, and it was Fedor Emelianenko landing it on Hong-Man Choi. He tried another takedown but once again failed, but this time it was OK because he went for the same basic armbar again and got it on tight, and that was all she wrote. I don't care what anyone says, I love Fedor. So does Jean Claude Van Damme, who was there and gave Fedor a big hug afterwards. BLOODSPORT MUTHAFUKKA~!
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847. Hayato Sakurai vs. Hidehiko Hasegawa. Not much of a fight. Sakurai dominated and got the easy decision.
85
868. Shinya Aoki vs. Bu-Kyung Jung. Aoki was supposed to fight JZ Calvan in what insiders were salivating over as potentially the most exciting fight of the night. But then Calvan got hurt and everyone wept. This was Jung's MMA debut. He's an Olympic-level judoka and did a hell of a job for himself, pulling guard early and nearly getting a submission. He won the first round, but then Aoki pulled a Roger Huerta from Ultimate Fight Night in June and thought, "SWEET FUCK I GOTTA PICK IT UP HERE!" And pick it up he did, and since he was winning the fight when it went to the judges he got the decision. He must have made a hell of a comeback because in the end he was named MR. YARENNOKA! So the show ended and all the fighters hit the ring and celebrated to bring in the New Year. Said to be a really fun time.
87
88K-1 show opened with dark matches.
89
901. In the K-1 Under-18 tournament, HIROYA beat Tsukasa Fujii via unanimous decision. The whole idea of this tournament was to create a new teen idol. Fujii was quite the wacky little fellow, throwing all sorts of nutty kicks including a Jushin Liger ROLLING KOPPO KICK. He even did something resembling a spinning headscissors. Then he lost. Poor geek.
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922. YUDAI beat Kenji Kubo in the Under-18 tournament via decision. I'm noticing a trend here already. Not much to write about. They're young guys doing kickboxing.
93
943. Joachim Hansen beat Kazuyuki Miyata. Said to be an awesome fight. Hansen was going for all sorts of submissions including a gogoplata (the hold Shinya Aoki used to beat him in a pretty famous fight), but then ended up putting him in a rear naked choke for the finish.
95
964. Melvin Manhoef beat Yosuke Nishijima via first round knockout. Nishijima didn't do much standing, and then when he was taken down he looked like a fish out of water. Manhoef got the full mount and pounded on his face until the ref said NO MAS in Japanese.
97
984. SON OF ZULU beat (yes, BEAT) Ikuhisa Minowa. In researching this fight I was baffled to find that Son of Zulu has actually won four fucking fights now. WHAT? So yeah, Minowa tried to run around him and tried him out, but the problem was that Minowa's cardio wasn't too hot and he ended up getting all tuckered out himself. In the middle of the third round, Zulu ended up on top and was throwing big fat punches when Minowa's corner could take no more and threw in the towel. Zulu threw a great victory celebration afterwards.
99
1005. Kiyoshi Tamura beat Hideo Tokoro. Tokoro did all right for himself early on, even stunning Tamura with a couple of shots, but Tamura survived. He was waylaying him with some really hard leg kicks. It ended up on the ground in third and Tamura clamped on a kimura for the tapout.
101
1026. In the finals of the Under-18 tournament, and in a battle of the caps lock key, YUDAI beat HIROYA via split decision. So yes, every match in the tournament went to the judges. They went three rounds and the ref ruled it a draw, which he does by doing a DX crotch chop. So they went to round four. When that was over they decided that YUDAI won, and he was given all sorts of certificates and accolades. Yay him.
103
1047. Musashi beat Bernard Ackah. Ackah actually did pretty well for himself early on, trying to stun Musashi with a huge flurry at the opening bell. But then the flurry sort of tapered off and Musashi finished the job via knockout in round three. Ackah seemed to be fine with this, walking around with a big smile on his face afterwards.
105
1068. Nicholas Pettas beat Young-Hyun Kim via second round knockout. Kim is a huge man, but Pettas chopped him down with leg kicks and then finished the job. He was very popular.
107
1089. Bob Sapp beat Bobby Ologun. Ologun is a comedian in Japan who happens to train MMA. Bob Sapp is, well, Bob Sapp. He was just as freaking huge and gigantic as ever. There was a great moment early where Ologun was running away from him and Sapp was chasing him, literally sprinting after him, and he's so big and, quite frankly, so uncoordinated that it made for awesome comedy. Sapp kept trying to take him down and Ologun would grab the ropes. Sapp finally thought, fuck this!, and hurked him to the canvas. It did look like he was trying to be careful not to kill the guy. Ologun would try to move but he had this massive mountain of humanity on top of him and there was little he could do. Sapp tried an Americana but it was seriously the worst Americana you ever saw, and while the fans were going nuts there was no way Ologun was going to tap from it unless he just wanted to find a way out. Bob finally just mounted him and punched him into submission.
109
11010. Kid Yamamoto beat Rani Yahya via second round knockout. Yahya is under contract to Zuffa with WEC. The one thing that was most noticeable about this fight was how much bigger Yahya was than Yamamoto, and keep in mind that Yahya is a small dude. He landed a few punches here or there, but Yamamoto looked pretty good and eventually knocked him out.
111
11211. Kazushi Sakuraba beat Masakatsu Funaki. Funaki is an absolute legend in Japan, a former pro wrestler with a number of groups including New Japan who went on to found the Pancrase organization and become one of its top fighters. This was like the legend of the early 90s vs. the legend of the early 00s, and five years ago it would have been a super mega fight. Funaki, who facially looked old but was physically in great shape, was very calm and calculating, like that old fighter whose had more battles than you can count and isn't getting flustered for anything. Early on, it was like Sakuraba was so respectful of him that he didn't even want to try to punch him in the face. So then Funaki was like, well I'll punch and kick YOU in the face!, and after that it was on. The ended up on the ground and Sakuraba put him in a variation of the kimura for the tapout. Sakuraba looked like he was almost going to cry because he felt so bad for submitting the legend. He cradled his head afterwards and helped him up, and it was quite the scene.
113
114
115Horodecki DONE GETS BEAT at IFL finals
116IFL ran its Grand Prix Finals on Saturday night, head-to-head with UFC 79 Liddell vs. Silva. No buys. But we all knew that going in. They drew about a half house of 5,731 fans in the 10,000 seat building going head-to-head with both the UFC show and a legendary football game.
117
1181. Marcelo Salazar beat Alex Cook. Not the best fight to open up the show. They spent a lot of time on the ground but were constantly being stood up due to inaction. Our correspondent Bill Barnwell noted that John McCarthy always said he'd never stand two men up if one man was in the mount position, but "McCarthy hasn't seen Salazar before". Salazar won 30-27 in a far from impressive performance.
119
1202. Bret Cooper beat Rory Markham in a welterweight fight. They had a far more competitive battle and it was said to be a very good fight. In the second round, Cooper hit a nice combination on the fight, knocked Markham on his ass, and finished up with the ground and pound before the ref stopped it.
121
1223. Tim Kennedy destroyed Elias Rivera. Randy Couture was at this show and walked Rivera to the ring. He should have kept going into the ring with him. Rivera was totally outclassed here and grounded and pounded into oblivion while Kennedy had the mount. It was so bad that they had to immobilize him in a neck brace and carry him out on a stretcher. Kennedy looked sad to have beaten this man so badly.
123
124After this fight, which would have been right in the middle of the fucking awful Soa vs. Manic Hispanic fight on the UFC PPV, they announced the results of the Giants vs. Patriots game, and it got one of the biggest reactions of the entire evening.
125
1264. Roy Nelson beat Antoine Jaoude to become the first IFL Heavyweight Champion. Nelson was described as a huge man with the sort of body that would have had Vince McMahon feeding him to Hulk Hogan during the mid-80s. He got really tired early. Ken Shamrock was in his corner yelling incomprehensible instructions. He got hit a lot here, but still likely took the round 10-9. Early in the second, he connected with a hard shot and knocked Jaoude down, then followed up with unanswered punches on the ground for the stoppage. He actually went to all four corners and posed on the turnbuckles afterwards. The bad news is that he was either too fat or the belt was too small and it took a great deal of time and effort to finally strap it around his waist. It should tell you something about the heavyweight division in the IFL that this championship fight was basically considered a dark match, and there was then a 45-minute break before the next fight started because they were waiting for the OK for the HDNet TV broadcast.
127
1285. Wagnney Fabiano beat LC Davis to become the first IFL Featherweight Champion. The best part of this fight is that they announced LC Davis as standing five feet twelve inches tall. I'd also like you to consider for a moment a five foot twelve inch man who weighs 145 pounds. They had a fun little battle that went, as Roddy Piper says, up and down, and then Fabiano put him in an armbar just as Pat Miletich was telling LC to watch out for the armbar. Oh well. The belt was the size of Jupiter which made for a comical scene afterwards.
129
1306. Jay Hieron beat Delson Heleno to become the first IFL Welterweight Champion. They had a good battle in the first round. Heiron clocked him right in the face and sent him down, and was pounding on him as the round ended. It was a saved by the bell moment, but then the doctors examined Delson during the break and it was ruled that he could not continue. It looked like he may have torn out his knee. Heleno limped to his corner afterwards and then Bas Rutten put him on his shoulders and helped him to the backstage area. Heiron cut a promo afterwards saying he wanted to dedicate the fight to his father, who passed away recently.
131
1327. MATT HORWICH BEAT BENJI RADACH TO BECOME THE FIRST IFL MIDDELWEIGHT CHAMPION~! OUR GOD IS AN AWESOME GOD! Horwich was on Figure Four Daily once and was so fucking awesome. He is a crazy hippy who grew up doing all sorts of terrible things including copious amounts of drugs, and then he discovered CHRIST and found his way. He is now a WARRIOR OF GOD and wants to someday retire to a forest retreat or something like that and write poetry and songs for bands like Megadeth. Or something like that. Anyway, he rules. I've told the story before, but years ago there was an X-Fighting Championships event at the Tacoma Dome and this crazy long-haired dude was running around with a Bible preaching to people. He was talking to my buddies, then he noted, "I've got to go get ready for my fight." We all thought, hmm, he must be cornering someone tonight. But no, it was MATT HORWICH who FOUGHT FOR GOD THAT NIGHT and WON. Here he won again. Radach took the first round. There was a funny moment where he jabbed Horwich in the face and Horwich fell down, more because he slipped than anything else, and he jumped up and announced, "THAT DIDN'T HURT!" Horwich wasn't looking too hot in the second either, but then all of a sudden he dropped Radach with a shot and went in for the kill. The ref cut him off at the pass and called for the bell, and it likely was a premature stoppage. But HORWICH WINS HORWICH WINS HORWICH WINS!!! He thanked, of all people, JESUS afterwards, and also all his friends and teammates and his RAD NEW GIRLFRIEND. He said he got hit in the head and saw a flash of light, and thought he should run for cover, but lo, with Jesus' faith he escaped, and from then on out it was ROCK AND ROLL. Then he sat and had a long conversation with Radach, probably three minutes long.
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1348. Ryan Schultz beat Chris Horodecki to win the IFL Lightweight Title. If you'll recall, Horodecki was supposed to face Shad Lierley in a rematch of one of the best fights of 2007, but then Lierley got hurt and was replaced by John Gunderson, and then Gunderson got hurt and was replaced by Schultz. I saw the finish of this fight and it was brutal. Basically, Schultz got him down and put him in something resembling a chicken wing, then with Horodecki's arm trapped Schultz rained down pain upon him until the referee stopped it. Christ's faith did not help Chris Horodecki escape. This was considered a huge upset, though the reality is that Schultz is the only man to have now beaten both Horodecki, who was 10-0 going into this fight at 19 years of age, and Roger Huerta. So it could have been worse. Plus, he came to the ring with a big, phat beard, so you knew he had fate on his side. Horodecki got the biggest reaction of anyone coming out all night, the closest thing on the show to a true superstar. Schultz went nuts with happiness afterwards as you'd imagine.
135
136Bill Barnwell concluded, "All in all, a fun show with one awesome fight and a bunch of good ones. Only the first fight was boring."
137
138
139In House Notes
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141
142Very special thanks to the following people for their help in producing Figure Four Weekly this week: Gladys “Granny” Gibson, Dave Meltzer, Tony Leder, Stuart Max, Alex Marvez, Zach Arnold, Colin Vassallo, Jess McGrath, Kris Zellner, Manuel Gonzalez, Craig Proper, Vincent Verhei, Keith Lipinski, Robert Bihari, Dean Baker, The Cubs Fan, Kyle Wolf, Devin Cutting, Shawn Garrett, Bob Barnett, Mike Lano, Adam Lebow, Mike Sempervive, Steve “Dr. Lucha~!” Sims, Forrest Lynn.
143
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162
163WWE
164Regarding my hockey statement last week when writing about concussions ("But at the same time, it was noted that if you're skating along and you're about to smash an unsuspecting guy into a wall, do you REALLY have to take four or five steps to gain some extra speed there at the last moment? I'm not a huge hockey fan so I don't know."), Mike writes: "That is called charging and would be a two minute penalty".
165
166JBL to Kevin Eck on scary moments in Iraq: "Yeah, we’ve had a couple. We had one this year. We were landing in Tarmiya, and we didn’t know it was a hot zone we were landing in. We thought we were landing in a secured base and we weren’t. We were landing in an unsecured area and actually had to get through town to get to where the small secured area was. When we landed, there were Iraqis everywhere – on rooftops all around us. And there were dead dogs everywhere. When they get too close to the base they have to be shot because most of them are rabid, and they’re more akin to hyenas in Australia than they are to dogs here in the states. It just looked like something out of Apocalypse Now. As we looked at this, we’re realizing that we’re landing in a hot zone. And we get off the chopper and they’re telling us to 'get in single file, move along, hurry, keep your head down,' and bombs are going off everywhere. They’re our bombs – smoke bombs. They’re shielding us just in case there’s a sniper in the area that wants to shoot us. As we’re running through all this, we’ve got to run through a barbed wire maze to get into the little secured area that they have inside of a building. Ron Simmons turns around to me in that James Earl Jones voice and says, 'You know, I’d have mailed them an autograph.' That alleviated the moment. When you’re like that you pretty much understand that you don’t have control of your own situation." Regarding whether he'd ever go into politics: "Oh sure, I’ve considered it. I would only do it if I could make a difference. That’s not some altruistic belief, but that’s the truth. I look at these politicians now, and I’ll tell you what, if Bush and Kerry are the two best politicians we have to run for president, we’re screwed. I just don’t think our best are in politics. I think these guys are inept. I think they’re wasting our money, they’re wasting our time, and I’m not sure I would be any different to be a part of that. Not that I would have the agenda these guys have, which is basically that they don’t want to work for a living, but I just don’t think I can make a difference. I think I’m better served being in the free markets, because I believe the free markets will get us off foreign oil, the free markets will encourage trade. I just have a very dim view of politicians in general".
167
168As much as people have made fun of the "PYRO AND BALLYHOO" line in the TNA script, the reality -- and when you think about it this should come as no surprise -- is that it's a WWE term that Brian Gewirtz fell in love with and used all the time.
169
170Both Steve Madison and Lacey Adkisson were released from developmental this week. Steve and Steve Keirn had a big blow up down at Florida Championship Wrestling and that was the end of that. Lacey apparently wasn't picking it up fast enough, and I suspect with the World Class DVD already released and no chance of her being useful anytime in the near future, the decision was made to let her go.
171
172It's official: Royal Rumble will air in HD with a $49.95 price tag. You'll still be able to get the show in analog for the usual $39.95. It'll be interesting to see how many people pony up the extra $10 for the higher quality. I don't know this for sure, but Smackdown was supposed to start on the CW in HD in January, which would be this coming Friday's show. Whether it'll start immediately or in the next few weeks, I have no idea. I now get USA in HD, so you'd think that Raw would be converting very soon as well.
173
174I had a friend who was going to go to the Royal Rumble. No more. He tried to get tickets in the afternoon and they were already sold out. Every single ticket was gone within five hours. There will be a few tickets released here and there once they get the production seats all figured out.
175
176Raw next week is going to have a Spin the Wheel gimmick matches theme. I hope it's better than the TNA Christmas show. Smackdown will also be doing a Beat the Clock series where the winner gets a World Title shot against Edge at Royal Rumble.
177
178Big Vision Entertainment is releasing a Best of Rey Misterio Jr. The Early Years DVD. It's actually a bunch of his old matches from Mexico, prior to his break in the US in ECW. They're teasing matches with Psicosis, Juvie, La Parka, Octoagon, Pentagon, Halloween and Damien. Konnan and Larry Rivera of XPW will be doing Spanish commentary and Kris Kloss will be doing the English voiceovers.
179
180Fabulous Moolah and Ernie Ladd made the Sports Illustrated year-end obituary list. No Chris Benoit.
181
182There was a big story last week claiming Mistico had signed a five year deal with WWE, was going to debut at the Royal Rumble and then go to OVW for six months. Turns out it was Dia de la Innocents, the Mexican version of April Fools, and it was all made up by Superluchas magazine. Ovaciones also had a story claiming that Mistico would be facing Hijo Del Santo, Blue Demon Jr. and Octagon in a four-way mask match on February 10th, which also isn't happening in, well, probably a million years.
183
184Tribute to the Troops on Christmas Eve did a 2.5 rating off hours of 2.3 and 2.7. Last year's show on Christmas Day did a 2.7. I know as I was watching it I was thinking to myself, what the hell am I doing watching this show on Christmas Eve?.
185
186Torrie Wilson and boyfriend Nick Mitchell are opening up a clothing store called Jaded in The Woodlands, TX. The website is officiallyjaded.com. What a wonderful name for an establishment. They're actually planning on franchising this place. Torrie said that she was always big on clothes and could never find a place in The Woodlands, TX to get the kinds of clothes and costumes she was looking for. You think I am making this up, or that it is a parody article. You are wrong. Though maybe it should be.
187
188Speaking of Torrie, her back is still really screwed up. On her Myspace she wrote: "On the health front, my back problems don't seem to be getting any better and I am actually starting to feel worse believe it or not! It's gotten to the point that I can barely stand up in the morning. I've never really been hurt before so this is really REALLY annoying to me. I can't stand feeling frail and just want to go back to my active lifestyle. I am looking into another type of treatment right now that looks promising so let's hope this problem goes away soon. Please pray for me! I have actually been out of the action in the wrestling ring for quite some time and am really starting to miss it".
189
190Lance Cade separated his shoulder at the house show Friday and will be gone anywhere from a month to six weeks depending on the severity. I would guess if he's been given that timeline it can't be too severe. I once separated my shoulder so bad that I went from benching in the high 200s to not being able to bench the bar once. This was no fun.
191
192Hustler Magazine will be publishing a series of nude photos of Nancy Benoit in a future issue. I wish I was making this up. The magazine claims that in the mid-80s she was thinking of getting into adult modeling and had radio disc jockey Mark Samansky take a series of nude photos and videos of her. The story is that she met Kevin Sullivan shortly thereafter and decided to give up on the idea of adult modeling. She destroyed the photos, but the video still exists, and Hustler purchased it. Larry Flynt, what can be said?.
193
194Apparently the John Cena DVD is outselling the Shawn Michaels and Rey Misterio DVDs in that order. All I know is that around here if you went to Best Buy and such before Christmas, there were tons and tons and tons of Cena DVDs and all the Rey and Michaels DVDs were sold out.
195
196Batista flipped his lid at the Albany house show. A fan gave him a thumbs down on the way to the ring and for whatever reason, perhaps remembering when HHH turned on him, he went nuts and started screaming at the guy to take a shot if he had the balls. Security showed up and told the fan to back off. He eventually sat down and Batista got in the ring and both he and Edge were making fun of the fans. I guess Batista calmed down during the match, because afterwards he went around ringside slapping hands, and when he got to the fan he'd bitched out he offered a handshake and smiled.
197
198
199TNA
200TNA ran in Montreal this past week. TNA. Montreal. 1997. You know the rest. The storyline there were doing was that Angle didn't trust any of the crooked Canadian referees, so he insisted that EARL HEBNER officiate this match. You read that right. It's basically 2008 and even WWE has given up on the Montreal screwjob bullshit, but in TNA it's the big angle during the tour. Didn't get a number, but the attendance estimate was in the 1,500 range or so, maybe a bit more or less. Sylvan Grenier, who is the TNA French Announcer (real job) opened up the show. Eric Young, back in his Team Canada gear, beat James Storm, then they had a beer drinking contest. Could have sworn Storm broke a beer bottle over his head like a month ago. Forgive and forget, children. Sonjay Dutt beat Jimmy Rave with a moonsault. Rave got a lot of heat with catcalls in English and French. Jackie Moore & Awesome Kong beat Traci & Gail Kim. Don't ask about these pairings. All you need to know is that Kong and Gail brawled to the back and then Traci pinned Jackie in pretty much a singles match. It was over fast. Jay Lethal beat Johnny Devine. Devine cut a promo to turn himself heel. He also explained that the X-Division title was safely in the US in the hands of Team 3-D. What a stupid angle. Samoa Joe beat Robert Roode with the choke. Miss Brooks was pleased, then got dragged rudely to the back. Abyss beat Chris Harris, who despite being listed as a babyface on the TNA script was undoubtedly the bitchy, whiney heel here. Abyss won with the black hole slam. AJ & Tomko beat Homicide & Hernandez in the match that answered the trivia question of who the current TNA Tag Team Champions are. AJ was super over and pinned Homicide with the Styles clash, then acted like a geek all the way to the backstage area. HAW HAW. Main event was convoluted bullshit. They did the Montreal storyline with Hebner. He got bumped and a second ref came out. Angle hit Cage with the belt and was about to make the cover, but Hebner woke up and stopped the count and said he'd seen Angle use the belt, so Angle was disqualified. If you'll recall, the title changes hands in TNA via disqualification. I should also remind everyone that it is my belief that everyone in TNA has their own set of rules. Team 3-D can use tables in their matches, Abyss can use tacks and glass, Motor City Machine Guns can pin a guy two-on-one in tag matches, Samoa Joe can be DQ'd for being too violent (he drew the short straw apparently), etc. Well, in Kurt Angle title matches apparently Kurt can be DQ'd and the title does not change hands on a DQ, because it didn't here. It's classic that you would run a TNA house show, a HOUSE SHOW, which draws the hardest of the hardcore fans, the fucking people who pay attention more than anyone else, and then do a finish like this where you pretend like they're so stupid they won't remember the rules. Fuck this place. Angle signed photos for people afterwards. Wrestling on the show was said to be good and it was a fun show overall.
201
202TNA ran in Quebec City on the 28th with Lethal over Dutt, Harris over Rave in a competitive match (Harris is a babyface again), Young beat Storm, and AJ & Tomko beat Abyss & Samoa Joe (??) to retain the Tag Team Titles in what was said to be a really good match when AJ pinned Abyss with the springboard 450 splash. Grenier, the French announcer, then introduced a very special guest, RICK MARTEL~! He said hi to everyone and then sat at ringside. LAX beat Robert Roode & Johnny Devine. They did an angle here with Martel. Devine yelled at him before the match, and then during the match they first got into a shouting match and then a brawl that resulted in Martel getting in the ring and putting Devine in the Boston crab. Roode tried to make the save but Sylvan beat him up, leading to the finish. So apparently LAX's rules are that old Canadian wrestling legends can interfere in their matches and it's not a DQ. Gail Kim beat Awesome Kong, Ms. Brooks and Jackie Moore in a four-way elimination match. Hope they don't do that on TV anytime soon, particularly the part where Gail pinned Kong. Main was Angle beating Christian with more ref bumps and Earl Hebner-related shenanigans. Show drew about 1,000 and was said to be fun. That's the thing with TNA. Take away all the bullshit booking and you end up with quality.
203
204TNA ran in Oshawa, Ontario on the 30th. Fans chanted "YOU SCREWED BRET!" at Earl. Jay Lethal beat Johnny Devine, Sonjay Dutt and Jimmy Rave to retain the X-title that he doesn't have possession of, then Devine stole the belt again and ran away. TNA management doesn't care? Eric Young beat James Storm with a crucifix. They did a funny spot early where Young pointed at himself and everyone cheered, the pointed at Storm and everyone booed, then pointed at himself and they cheered, then pointed at Storm and they booed. Finally, he pointed at Hebner and they went insane with boos. Eric Young has to be the best house show worker around. Gail Kim & Traci beat Awesome Kong & Jackie when Jackie did the job I believe. Both babyfaces were from Canada, so there you go. AJ & Tomko beat LAX to retain the Tag Titles. After the match, Borash said that TNA might be heading to Oshawa for a PPV soon. Write that one down. Abyss beat Chris Harris with the black hole slam in a no-DQ match. Abyss, no joke, used thumbtacks and gigged here in this house show match. Joe beat Robert Roode in a good match, then got on the mic and also teased a future PPV. Kurt Angle beat Christian Cage in the main event. Eight million ref bumps, run-ins by AJ, etc., and then finally Kurt hit Christian with a belt shot and won. Lots of good matches on the show.
205
206Impact this coming Thursday night is the infamous show that had its script leaked on the Internet. It'll be interesting to see how closely the script and the actual show mesh up. There are four, count em, FOUR gauntlet matches on this show alone. If it were any other company I would think the idea would be to try to take heat off the Royal Rumble. But it's TNA, so I presume they just wanted to do a bunch of gauntlet matches just for the sake of it.
207
208Impact did a 1.1 as always this week.
209
210
211UFC
212Agnes McFedries-Kennedy, 51, the mother of UFC fighter Drew McFedries, was believed to have been murdered on December 27th in an alley in Davenport, IA. A local couple returning to their home discovered her body and called police. All that was reported was that the cops were interviewing people of interest in the case. McFedries-Kennedy was said to have a lengthy criminal history which included "theft, prostitution, harassing a public official and driving while barred".
213
214Chuck Liddell at the pre-fight press conference said regarding his loss to Keith Jardine: "I never considered retirement. As soon as they offered the Silva fight, I was real excited to get back into the gym and jumped right in." Regarding all the gallivanting around town and whether that caused issues with his fight preparation, he said: "Everybody who goes out with me to the clubs those fight weeks, they're sitting there watching me drink water. I go home at 2:30. When I'm at home, I normally go to sleep around 3 am anyway. But I get the question all the time. Even Dana White asked me before the second Randy Couture fight. Lorenzo Fertitta went to him and asked why I was out so late. I only do that fight week to blow off some steam. The months before the fight, I may go out late one time. And I'm even getting too old for that now." "It's kind of funny," he said. "When I was winning, everything I was doing was OK. But when I lost, they want to act like it was the reason I lost." Regarding the Jardine fight, he said, "I didn't perform, but when you're around for a long time, no matter how good you are, you're going to have those kinds of nights. It could have been a few things, but hopefully I've changed those. I think there's a little more intensity back in the room." He was asked about the situation where he slurred his way through a morning talk show last March, an incident blamed on taking too much Nyquil. He said, "The (PR) people from the movie shouldn't have woken me up back at the hotel. I think they knew they'd get publicity out of it. One thing I learned is not take Ambien before I go anywhere. I didn't remember getting home from the trip. That's from Dallas to San Diego to San Luis Obispo. I go to gym now for the same reasons I did when I first started. I love this sport. I love fighting. I want to go out there and prove that I'm the best in the world. I want to get back on top and end on top." He also said: "You have to understand, it's part of this business when you're winning for everybody to pat you on the back and tell you you're the greatest when you're winning and it's also part of the business that those same people are pointing fighters and asking questions when you're losing," Liddell said. "I'm the same guy I've always been. I'm excited about this fight, because I've wanted this fight for a long time, but I haven't made fundamental changes in what I do just because of the last two".
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216"I feel like I'm the old man in this weight class," Hughes said, adding, "I'm not fighting for money anymore. I'm fighting for battles. What gets me into the Octagon everyday, I get to go in there and fight. Fighting Georges, I know he'll be ready and it'll be a war." He did get upset when someone asked him if he still had the motivation to keep fighting. "You're not making any sense with your question. You don't think I want to fight but I'm fighting Georges St. Pierre? I don't understand. Is there a question somewhere in there?".
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218Liddell and Silva had a near pull apart at the weigh-ins. They did the staredown afterwards and Silva tried to get him to flinch. Chuck just walked away, then turned around and flipped him off. Silva was irate and had to be held back. I think they later had to be separated backstage as well.
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220Randy Couture picked Silva (whom he was a bit biased towards since he helped train him) and St. Pierre.
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222More from the best feud in either pro-wrestling or MMA today. Melvin Guillard to Dave Doyle on his hatred of Rich Clementi: “I wasn't disappointed about the fight. I was disappointed about the way he disrespected me after the fight. That upset me. He was the better fighter tonight, but that was not necessary. If I get a rematch, it will be a different outcome next time.” Clementi then told Doyle: “He’s a punk. He got on The Ultimate Fighter and he got a big head and he shit on everyone who helped him to get to where he got. This isn’t quashed. Not by a longshot. It wouldn’t be done until he learns some respect for people who have been in this business longer than he has. I’ll fight him again and I’ll expose him again".
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224Nate Mohr's injury from the UFC show this weekend ended up being a torn ACL. How Manny managed to do that with the hold he used I have no earthly idea.
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226The deal with the Tim Sylvia vs. Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira fight being for the Interim Heavyweight Title is that UFC's lawyers advised them against stripping Randy Couture of the belt. I don't know exactly why that would be since fights were offered to Randy and he flat out turned them down, but that's what's happening. This thing with the Interim belts is getting wacky, particularly since they're refusing to acknowledge on TV why these things are happening. I don't know how tuned in the casual UFC audience is to these sorts of things, but you would think that at least a portion of their audience has no idea why Sean Sherk is no longer champion and why Randy Couture after having such an epic first half of the year has simply disappeared. Dana didn't even make an announcement about stripping Sherk publicly, it was all done very quietly shortly after the final decision from the CSAC came back.
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228Mirko Crocop attended the HUSTLE show at the Saitama Super Arena on December 31st and even got involved in a match. Dana White had given him permission to do so even though Crocop sort of dropped off the face of the planet and stopped answering his phone for several months after his loss to Cheick Kongo in September. During the Erica & Ryoji Sai vs. Kintarman & Kurodaman Dynamite Hardcore Hustle Weapons Match, Crocop's music suddenly played and he came down the aisle in his MMA gear. He looked to be in good shape and the place went apeshit. They had shots of fans with their mouths agape, which was quite entertaining. He got in the ring and beat up the guys, then hit Kintarman with his dreaded high kick. Crocop is no worker and this looked fucking brutal. Luckily for Kintarman it was the right high kick and not the left or perhaps he'd be dead. On the November 25th show they did something similar where Kintarman brough in Mark Hunt as a secret weapon. You like by the MMA run-in, you die by the MMA run-in. Crocop looked like he had a good time, at least as much as Mirko Crocop can look like he's having a good time.
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230Odds for the show this past weekend were Liddel -105 vs. Silva -125, St. Pierre -240 vs. Hughes +190, Machida -125 vs. Sokoudjou -105 (!!!), and Guillard -260 vs. Clementi +200 (!!!!!).
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233Other MMA
234Fedor in an interview with Sherdog.com explained why he didn't go to UFC: "I never met Dana White, never spoke to him on the phone, never exchanged e-mails. However, I did read a lot on the Internet about what he said in regard to me and Vadim [Finklestein, my manager]. I also read e-mails that he sent to Vadim; all of his correspondence was very upsetting. The contract that we were presented with by the UFC was simply impossible, couldn't be signed -- I couldn't leave. If I won, I had to fight eight times in two years. If I lost one fight, then the UFC had the right to rip up the contract. At the conclusion of the contract, if I am undefeated, then it automatically extends for an as yet unspecified period of time, though for the same compensation. Basically I can't leave undefeated. I can't give interviews, appear in films or advertising. I don't have the right to do anything without the UFC's agreement. I could do nothing without the OK from the UFC. I didn't have the right to compete in combat sambo competition. It's my national sport. It's the Russian sport, which in his time our president competed in, and I no longer have the right to do so. There were many such clauses; the contract was 18 pages in length. It was written in such a way that I had absolutely no rights while the UFC could at any moment, if something didn't suit them, tear up the agreement. We worked with lawyers who told us that it was patently impossible to sign such a document".
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236IFL and LA Boxing are hosting a series of self-defense classes in support of the National Self-Defense Institute's NATIONAL SELF DEFENSE MONTH, which is January. Bas Rutten, Matt Lindland, Marco Ruas and Renzo Gracie will all be taking part, and there is information on schools, dates and times at the ifl.tv website.
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239Wrestling What Have You
240Mr. Gillis, a former NWA ECCW Heavyweight Champion, passed away last week at age 44. Buddy Wayne actually replaced him on his first tour of the Maritimes and they broke in together in British Columbia around 1985. He was a huge guy, built like the Warlord, and had been a workout freak dating back twenty years. He also worked as a pressure welder both before he got into the business and I believe up until his death.
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242Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew of Loveline fame starts on January 10th in VH-1. Chyna will be on the show along with Ricco Rodriguez of UFC fame. I wonder if he got into drugs after he couldn't beat Bill Duff in an MMA fight on Human Weapon. Mary Carey, a porn star who is good friends with Chyna, is also on the show. Other non-wrestling celebs include Daniel Baldwin, Jeff Conaway, Bridgitte Nielson, Jamiee Foxworth ("child actress turned porn actress"), Jessica Sierra and SHIFTY SHELLSHOCK, an ex-singer for the band CRAZY TOWN. Seriously, that dude needs rehab.
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244Jacques Rougeau not only got married over the weekend, but he did so on a show he promoted inside a wrestling ring. God bless Jacques and anyone else who decides to do such a thing, but seriously, if I ever get married in a wrestling ring I give everyone permission to shoot me. Although I suspect that no one will have to take me up on the offer because my guess is that my wife-to-be will shoot me first.
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247CMLL
248Arena Mexico on December 30 before 6,500 saw Heavy Metal & Sagrado & Leono beat Sangre Azteca & Mascara Ano 2000 & Pierroth Jr. two falls to zero. The big story was after the match when Pierroth grabbed the mic and announced that on Monday, June 9, 2008, which was roughly the end of his 24th year in the business, he was retiring. More on that in a moment. Main event was Dr. Wagner Jr. & Negro Casas & Volador Jr. beating Ultimo Guerrero & Averno & Olimpico two falls to one when Wagner unmasked Guerrero behind the ref's back and Guerrero was forced to lay down and get pinned so as not to expose his identity.
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250Pierroth did an interview for La Jornada magazine where he talked about his decades long battle with drugs. He said the first time he saw lucha he went home and started working on holds and then told his parents he was going to become a luchador. He admitted that when he became a star he got into drugs and alcohol, and it was to the point where sometimes he would end up in the hospital for some other problem and the doctors wouldn't be able to give him any medication since he had so much alcohol and other drugs in his system. He said he was clean today and had been for nine years, ironically after a career "full of low blows and physical punishment." He said his advice to younger folks who made it big was to handle your fame with kid gloves, but if you do not it gets to the point where you lose all perspective. He said it was simple gravity -- what goes up must come down. He made it huge early and though the money and fame would be rolling in forever and he was wrong. He said he had gone as far as he could go and was racked with injuries. He said he had achieved what he'd always wanted to, to make it to the peak of lucha libre. They asked how he was still able to portray the image of an exemplary sportsman while battling these demons. He said he always put lucha first no matter what and always went to the gym, but the real secret was probably that he was just very young then. Later, he noted, the consequences caught up with him. He started losing strength and suffering more frequent injuries. He said his favorite memory in wrestling was the boom period of the early 90s when wrestling took off and they "supplanted soccer". He said back then tons and tons of wrestlers drew fans to the arenas, and sadly today they only paid to see a few guys like Mistico.
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252CMLL on December 28th at Arena Mexico before about 10,250 fans, which is a good number, saw Ultimo Guerrero & Hijo del Lizmark & Universo 2000 beat Negro Casas & Dr. Wagner Jr. & Sagrado in two straight falls. Wagner, who had been beaten unmercifully and unfairly by the bad guys, finally went nuts and began tearing at Ultimo's mask. So Ultimo said fine, fucker, and took off his mask and threw it at Wagner. Of course, the referee turned around right then, saw Wagner with the mask, and DQ'd him. DIABOLICAL. Wagner immediately challenged Guerrero to a return singles match this coming Friday night. Main was Shocker beating Hector Garza in a singles match two falls to one. Garza was working on a bad ankle (torn ligament that will likely need surgery) but was still apparently amazing in this match. The finish saw him punt Shocker right in the nuts, but Shocker didn't sell it. As Garza stood there baffled, Shocker rolled him up for the pin. He then reached into his trunks and pulled out a cup. Of course, this begs the question why all luchadors don't wear cups. Garza apparently laughed when he saw how he'd be outsmarted. Shocker challenged him to a hair match afterwards, but suddenly Garza's ankle hurt real bad and he quickly limped to the back.
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254Super Luchas did fan balloting for Mexico's MVP and Dr. Wagner Jr. won with 33 percent of the vote, beating Mistico with his 13 percent. Rest of the list was La Park, Cibernetico (AAA's biggest babyface), Super Crazy (???) Ultimo Guerrero, Hijo del Santo, Atlantis, Otro, Ricky Marvin, Black Terry, Blue Demon Jr., Blue Panther, Negro Navaro, Sombra, and Negro Casas. Casas got a total of four votes, so probably him and his immediate family.
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256CMLL on Christmas night before 5,250 fans at Arena Mexico saw Shocker & Rey Bucanero & Negros Casas beat Pierroth Jr. & Averno & Apocalipsis (who replaced Lizmark Jr. who was supposed to be replacing Olimpico -- what is this, the IFL?). Main was Sangre Azteca beating La Mascara to retain the Mexican National Welterweight title. On Christmas night they almost always put all the babyfaces over, so this was something of a change. I believe this is Sangre's sixth straight title defense. Said to have more heat than you'd expect and it was a good match that went 25 minutes including ring entrances and had clean finishes to all three falls.
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259AAA
260Cibernetico has a new girlfriend named Sabrina who hosts a TV sex show. They've become the biggest wrestling celebrity couple in quite some time and are getting more press than Latin Lover, Perro Aguayo Jr. or Jorge Kawahgi ever got, and that includes covers of mainstream magazines equivalent to OK and Us in the US.
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262AAA had their awards ceremony on Friday night and in the 10,000 pesos dance contest, Decniss and Erica, who is Dorian Roldan's secretary, won. Things have changed in AAA with Antonio Pena dead as for the first time in forever there were no male strippers here.
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264Super Porky missed a booking last week and the local promoter was allegedly fined 5,000 pesos for it. There is also a rumor, though, that Porky has gotten so fat that AAA is refusing to book him out until he drops a significant amount of weight. Apparently he's the fattest he's ever been, and at 5-4 and having already suffered a few heart scares, he needs to lose weight quickly or else.
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266Babe Face, an 80s star, was recently released from the hospital. He'd been in there three months and people were fearing for his life, but apparently he's going to be OK.
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269Other Lucha
270Hijo del Santo wrestled at La Arena Queretaro last week, and even though it was billed as a celebration of his 25 years in the business and it was the first time he'd worked the building in over a year, they only drew 150 people.
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272Quick Super Luchas Awards for 2007: Luchador of the Year was Mistico, followed by Cibernetico, Dr. Wagner Jr. and Hijo del Santo. Match of the Year was Los Sepultureros vs. Negro Navarro & Black Terry from IWRG, followed by Negro Navarro (hell of a year) vs. Negro Casas from IWRG, Atlantis & Ultimo Guerrero vs. Negro Casas & Black Panther from CMLL, and Dark Angel & Diana La Casadora & Marcela vs. Hiroka & Mima Shimoda & Princesa Sugey from CMLL. No AAA match? Tecnico of the Year was Dr. Wagner Jr., followed by Casas, LA Park, and Blue Panther. Rudo of the Year was Black Terry of IWRG followed by Ultimo Guerrero, Mesias, and Lizmark Jr. Team of the Year was Guerreros del Atlantida, followed by Mistico & Negro Casas, Dr. Cerebro & Negro Navarro, and Epidemia & Robin Maravilla. Trio of the Year was Los Hellbrothers (a win for AAA!), followed by Sagrado & Volador & Sombra, Los Nuevos Oficiales (IWRG represented very well) and Los Audaces. The Surprise of the Year was Blue Panther unmasking Lizmark Jr., followed by the return of Halloween to AAA, Dr. Wagner Jr., Silver King and Konan Big going to TNA (oops), and the cancellation of the TNA Mexico shows. Ok, I admit I laughed. Mini of the Year was Pequeno Damian, followed by Bam Bam, Pequeno Halloween, and Mascarita Dorada. Faction of the Year was La Legion Extranjera of AAA followed by La Secta de Mesias, Los Perros del Mal, and Los Guerreros del Atlantida. Most Popular was Cibernetico followed by Mistico, Dr. Wagner Jr., and Hijo del Santo. Most Spectacular was Aero Star of AAA, followed by Valiente, Super Fly and Negro Navarro. La Revelacion (The Revelation) (?) was Valiente in CMLL followed by Super Fly, Sepulturero and Fantasma de la Opera. Maybe that's BEST NAME. Rookie of the Year was Sombra in CMLL, followed by Principe Mexiquense, Emperador, and Sexy Star. Award for most success outside Mexico went to Ricky Marvin in NOAH followed by Super Crazy in WWE (don't ask), Atlantis in Michinoku Pro, and Silver King in All Japan. Best Foreigner in Mexico went to Ricky Banderas, followed by Marco Corleone, Sabu, and Yamato. Female Wrestler of the Year went to Dark Angel (no doubt), followed by Amapola, Marcela and Lady Apache. And Feud of the Year went to Terry vs. Cerebro vs. Fantasma de la Opera in IWRG, followed by Cibernetico vs. Mesias in AAA, Los Guapos VIP vs. Los Bellos Stone in AAA, and Blue Panther vs. Lizmark Jr. in CMLL. I'll take their word for it.
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275ROH
276ROH had their FINAL BATTEL weekend with shows on Saturday and Sunday night. Saturday was their latest PPV taping at the Manhattan Center. Tammy Sytch and Daniel Puder were both at the show, being billed as special guests wanting to see what ROH was all about. At the beginning of the show, the ring announcer, who may have been Herb Dean, said they wanted a nice, clean show tonight, which of course caused the chance to chant "FUCK THAT" or something thereabouts. Diazee Haze beat Sara Del Ray and Lacey in a three-way with the mind trip. Lacey cut a huge promo on Sunny afterwards saying she needed a fake body to get a job on TV (this was on PPV, mind you, which is, in fact, TV), so Sunny slapped her and then Haze gave her the heart punch. I cannot tell you what a wonderful thing it is that little tiny Daizee Haze uses the HEART PUNCH as a finisher. Dave Prazak came out and introduced Bushwhacker Luke. I was told, no joke, that this got perhaps the biggest reaction of the entire evening and nearly a thousand people in the Manhattan Center were all simultaneously doing the wacky Bushwhacker walk in unison. Adam Pearce and Brent Albright jumped him (HEELS), so Delirious in a new red outfit ran down to make the save. He beat Albright with a roll up in about five minutes. Hangmen 3 jumped him afterwards, then out came Steen and Generico and then Age of the Fall, and then Vulture Squad. This led to the scramble match which Steen and Generico won after pinned Tyler Black. As usual, perfect simple booking in ROH, because they beat the guys who ended up winning the tag belts the next night, thus setting up title matches. This shit is so simple it makes me even angrier at TNA every week. Davey Richards beat Erick Stevens with the kimura after Puder ran in and distracted Stevens. So then out came Larry Sweeney to try to recruit Puder. Claudio hit the ring and chased him off, which lead to the big Claudio vs. Hero match where if Claudio lost he'd have to leave ROH forever, and if he won he got a match with Sweeney the next night. He beat Hero with the ricola bomb in a good match. These guys have wrestled a million matches all over the country and I think at this point it would be impossible for it to be bad. Nigel McGuinness beat Austin Aries in what was said to be an awesome, awesome match to retain the ROH Title. Nigel may be turning heel. He hit the jawbreaker lariat for the pin. Aries refused to shake his hand after the match, so not sure where that is going. In a four-way, NECRO BUTCHER beat Matt Cross, Mitch Franklin and Jigsaw, last eliminating Jigsaw with a Tiger driver. You read that right. In a RELAXED RULES MATCH (~!), Bryan Danielson finally got his big win over former champ Takeshi Morishima, although it wasn't clean. Morishima lost his mind near the finish and began stomping on Danielson's balls, then gave the ref a backdrop driver. Even in a relaxed rules match this is not allowed. So then Danielson grabbed the ring bell and tried to TAKE OUT MORISHIMA'S EYE. Crazed wrestlers in ROH cannot be topped. Semi-main saw Briscoes beat Roderick Strong & Rocky Romero in a best of three falls match to retain the Tag Titles. The big story was that Strong and Romero beat them in the first fall, ending their streak of eight straight falls. It was an idea booker Gabe Sapolsky had to try to educate fans to the idea that best of three fall matches weren't always going to split falls, plus it helped put the Briscoes over as an even more dominant team. Good stuff. Main event saw Naomichi Marufuji beat Claudio Castagnoli with a superkick, and then after the match Sweeney's crew came out and Puder put Claudio in a DREADED LEG HOLD. So yes, Puder joined up and is a heel. Erick Stevens tried to make the save but got beaten up, then the Vulture Squad ("NO MORE FACTIONS") ran down and cleared the ring. Good show.
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278The final show of the year, Sunday night again at the Manhattan Center, was said to be excellent with one person saying it was the best show he'd ever seen in his entire life. Not all is wonderful, though. They had to shift the card around because Nigel McGuinness, who returned at 100% or close to it Saturday night following his biceps tear a few months back, injured himself yet again that same night when he whacked his head on the guardrail. He needed fourteen stitches, broke his nose and got a concussion. He didn't work this show. I am told, though, that Bryan Danielson and Rocky Romero also suffered concussions on Saturday night, and they ended up working again here. I don't know what to say about this. In TNA, people are clearly just fucking stupid. Everyone knows about unprotected chairshots to the head and TNA just does them anyway, as if they are completely unaware of anything that happened in the real world, or even the rest of the wrestling world, in 2007. ROH is different. There has been grave concern about the concussion issue ever since the Benoit report came out, and I can tell you from talking to people there that privately the guys are concerned about protecting their heads (well, not all of them, but many). It has been discussed in the locker room. They have held people off shows before. However, here at the end of the year, on a big, big show, apparently it was too big to hold certain people off. Bad news. Maybe there is more to this story that I don't know, but on the surface it's pretty appalling. The other thing that concerns me is the number of injuries that guys are suffering on ROH shows. This sport is a work, and guys are getting hurt ALL THE TIME. I can understand a fluke accident, and maybe the thing with Nigel was a fluke, but I've seen him deliberately bash his head into posts and guardrails often enough to think that this one was not a fluke, that he knew he was going to go headfirst into a guardrail and thought, "Well, the fans are right there and it's a PPV taping, so I'm going to go right into this guardrail with my head as hard as possible." He paid the price. One of the reasons Jimmy Rave quit this group was because he was constantly getting hurt. I know they said they were never doing another crazy ladder match again, but you watch these shows and it's no surprise that guys are getting hurt left and right. Can ROH survive with a less high-impact style? I think so, because to me the strength of ROH is the fact that the style is different from what you'd see in TNA and WWE and their booking is strong. A less dangerous style shouldn't kill all interest in the product, and if it does, there are bigger problems that need to be addressed. So yes, this all made me sad.
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280So onto the show. Bobby Dempsey, who got "NEXT WORLD CHAMP!" chants, beat Mitch Franklin in the dark match. Jigsaw & Ruckus beat Matt Cross & Bobby Fish. Sweeney came out with Puder, introducing him as his new protégé, and said last night he broke Claudio's leg. Claudio limped out and the match was on. Sweeney won when Puder hit Claudio with one of Tank's exercise gimmicks behind the ref's back. Claudio grabbed Toland and gave him the ricola bomb afterwards. Jack Evans beat Necro Butcher in a no-DQ match. I'll bet this was something else. Naomichi Marufuji beat Davey Richards in an excellent match with the shiranui. Adam Pearce & Brent Albright & BJ Whitmer beat Kevin Steen & El Generico & Delirious when Pearce gave Delirious a top rope piledriver through a table. That sounds insane. Pelle Primo returned during this match and attacked Hangmen 3. Rocky Romero squashed Ernie Osiris with an armbar. Nigel came out and cut a promo. The crowd is turning on him fast, and he said for those that didn't like him, fuck off. He vowed to retain the title for his fans. Erick Stevens beat Roderick Strong to win the FIP Title with a doctor bomb in a really good 20 minute match. With Nigel out of action, they did a four-way to determine the new number one contender for the belt. Danielson and Aries doubled on Morishima to eliminate him. Aries rolled up Hero. Danielson then did the triangle/elbows to the skull spot to eliminate Aries and earn the title shot in February at the ROH 6th Anniversary show. Main was Tyler Black & Jimmy Jacobs beating the Briscoes to end their ten month reign as World Tag Team Champions. Jacobs did a super contra code on Jay off Black's shoulders, then Black did a corkscrew 450 for the pin. Finish was said to be unbelievable.
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283Bryan's Friend Vince's Karaoke Show and DVD Reviewcase
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286Rey Mysterio: The Biggest Little Man
287Rey noted that he eventually lost the cruiserweight title back to Eddie Guerrero, then they had a rematch at World War 3.
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289Rey Mysterio vs. Eddie Guerrero. From World War 3, 11/23/97. I should note that the track listing for this DVD is RIFE with spelling errors, such as “Halloween House,” “Eddie Guerrera” and “Chavo Guerrera.” For crying out loud, one of those guys is in your HALL OF FAME. Tony Schiavonie noted that Rey was introduced from San Diego. This disturbed Tony, because he thought Rey was from Tijuana. Mike Tenay was like, well, he moved. LOUD “Eddie sucks!” chants. Jesus, that’s a big fucking building with a whoooole lot of people. They did simple chain stuff early. Eddie was complaining about hairpulls and whatnot, and the crowd got all over him for it. Man, remember when WCW was actually cool? You know how long ago that was? This show was the same month as the Survivor Series in Montreal. Eddie then grabbed his real-life good friend Rey Mysterio and German suplexed him ONTO HIS HEAD. Heat! He hit a back suplex and went to an abdominal stretch. Rey tried to leap onto Eddie’s shoulders and failed. They recovered so smoothly that it looked like this was their plan all along. They moved into a long highspot that culminated with Eddie hitting a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker on the floor. A great spot, because the crowd goes crazy for the move on the floor, when in reality Rey is just dropping onto Eddie’s knee like a normal backbreaker. Tenay noted this was the anniversary of Art Barr’s death. WELCOME TO 2008! Eddie hit a superplex after a long struggle. Rey began to annoy Eddie with various flips, so Eddie put a stop to that by dropping him onto his face. Seconds later, Rey was hitting more headscissors. That’s one way Rey has definitely improved. He used to get in way too much offense during the heat, so the fans never got as much sympathy for him as they should have. Now he knows how to sell and milk the heat for everything, so fans are dying to see him make his comeback. Anyway. Eddie tried to powerbomb Rey to the floor, but Rey countered with a rana, then hit a flip dive over the ropes. That started his comeback. Fans got into the big moves, but then died, for reasons I already discussed. He ran wild on Eddie for a bit, but Eddie put a stop to that with a powerbomb. Eddie went for a running powerbomb, but Rey countered by, well, falling off. Rey hit a moonsault press. No heat for any of this. Rey then hit a Dragon rana (!) and the ref counted three, but Eddie had his hand on the rope. That fooled everyone except the timekeeper, who didn’t ring the bell. Shortly after, Eddie hit the BEST FROG SPLASH EVER for the pin. This was a ton of really cool spots with a few botched ones thrown in, and none of it really meshed together. Cool finish, though.
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291Rey said he and Eddie brought out the best of each other, and wrestled for the title several times.
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293Rey Mysterio vs. Juventud Guerrera. From THUNDER~!, 1/15/98. The wrestlers made their entrances through a great rock wall. I’m already loving this. Juvy was cruiserweight champ here, and still had his mask. Juvy offered a handshake. Rey accepted, then hit a forearm and it was TIME TO GO! They proceeded to do some PHAT ASS LUCHA, punctuated by Juvi’s FUCKING AWESOME TOPE. He came almost straight down to Rey on that one. Back in, he hit something like a musclebuster. That was odd. He followed with a brainbuster. You know how ten minutes ago I was saying Rey used to take too much offense during the heat? Yeah, well, never mind. He gave Juvi plenty of time here. They started fighting on the apron and Rey hit a modified monkey flip, sending Juvi into the post and to the floor. Juvi recovered and hit a slingshot legdrop from inside the ring to the floor, which wasn’t nearly as scary as it sounds. Lee Marshall on commentary noted that Rey was rarely on defense for this long. Yes! Lee Marshall! Back inside, Rey threw a couple kicks from his back before Juvi stomped him back down. Now see, that’s a hope spot. Rey teased a comeback by kicking Juvi into an upside down bump against the ropes (I’m sorry, that’s the best way I can describe this whacky lucha move), but Juvi cut him off by yanking him into the turnbuckle. Juvi missed a shoulder charge. They traded chops and punches, then Rey hit – really – an UNPRETTIER. That got two. They traded rollups. Juvi went for a powerbomb, but Rey punched his way free. They had a battle on the top rope. Rey dropped Juvi with a front superplex, but when he went for the diving rana, Juvi dropped him with a powerbomb. Juvi went for a 450, but Rey moved. Juvi landed on his feet, and Rey immediately hit a rana and cradled him for the pin. HOLY CRAP THIS RULED. A PHENOMENAL TV match. My memories of Thunder are NOTHING like this.
294
295Rey said that in WCW, the cruiserweight champion raised the bar of professional wrestling. He said that his next opponent’s in-ring ability was matched by his charisma. At this point, he cocked his head at a dramatic angle. “Or, should I say” – and here Rey’s eyes got real wide and his voice dropped nearly to a whisper – “ego.” This made me LOL, this tiny man in a mask trying to make a profound statement about human nature on the sunny sidewalks of San Diego. ABSURD!.
296
297Rey Mysterio vs. Chris Jericho. From Souled Out, 1/24/98. CUE THE EVENFLOW KNOCKOFF MUSIC! I officially miss WCW right now. Jericho got into the ring and acted like he couldn’t believe the fans were booing him, a pose that was replicated to perfection in the WCW/NWO Revenge video game. A fan held up a sign saying that lucha libre meant bathroom break. Asshole! Rey hit a punch and Jericho took a tremendous bump, like a falling tree. In the middle of a highspot, Rey did a baseball slide under Jericho, slid clear under the bottom rope and came up on the apron. I enjoyed that more than the headscissors that followed. Rey started spontaneously selling his knee, which had a big giant brace on it. Jericho tried to attack, but Rey caught him coming in. Shortly thereafter, Jericho necked Rey on the ropes for the heat. This is a simple way of describing a very scary moment. Jericho was actually standing on the apron, holding Rey in powerbomb position, threatening to drop him to the floor. Jericho then jumped forward, landing on the floor, and in the process dropped Rey backward onto the rope. If none of this makes any sense, just know that a million things could have gone wrong here, but none of them did and nobody died. Jericho worked him over for a while, but Rey cut him off and hit a flip dive to the floor. He came up selling his knee. They went back and forth on the floor for a while. Rey went for a springboard, but Jericho hit the ropes and Rey landed on them knee-first. That was a great bump right there. So somehow, Jericho ended up sitting on the top rope. Rey tried a springboard rana, but in the middle of the move – let me repeat, in the MIDDLE of the move, meaning Rey was already upside down – Jericho dropped off the ropes and landed with Rey in Lion Tamer position. How Rey didn’t land on his head and break his neck, I’ll never know. Rey immediately tapped out. Match was fun, but too short to really be worth anything.
298
299Rey begrudgingly gave Jericho credit for being a great wrestler.
300
301Rey Mysterio vs. Psychosis. From Road Wild, 8/8/98. Yes! The bikers are back! Psychosis walked to the ring, looking around at the fans and the bikes and the bright blue sky, trying to figure out what the HELL he was doing there. Camera showed some SMOKIN’ biker chicks. Literally, they were smoking. Rey had a DOPE black and purple getup here. Schiavonie suggested that Jay Leno was getting butterflies backstage. Oh, CHRIST. Fans revved their bikes at Rey’s behest. Psychosis grabbed an armbar. Fans IMMEDIATELY lost their patience and started revving their bikes, chanting “BORING!” and focusing on something going on just off camera to the side of the ring. Rey actually tried a tilt-a-whirl on the towering Psychosis and got him over, but Psychosis landed on his feet. He worked Rey over, doing as little as possible for a few minutes. He did hit an enormous flapjack. He finally went for the Tijuana Jam, but Rey got the feet up into his face. Hey, don’t blame me, that’s the spot they did. Rey made a comeback that included a cartwheel into a rana. He posed as everyone revved their bike engines in approval. This was like the other Road Wild show, where there was a drop from the apron to the mats, then another drop three or four feet down to the dirt. Psychosis decided this would be a good time to apply that staple of lucha libre wrestling, the NERVE PINCH. Bobby Heenan explained that this hold caused numbness to the arms. He finally lifted Rey in an electric chair position, held his wrists and bridged back into a pinning position. Coolness. They briefly brawled on the mats, but that didn’t go anywhere. Psychosis went to a half-crab back inside. He immediately released it. He went to the corner, went for a bodyslam, then changed his mind. What the hell is going on? Even Schiavonie noted that Psychosis didn’t know what to do next. He hit a top rope rana, then began to work over the knee. No, that does not make any sense. Rey finally made a comeback and hit a Silver King dive into a seated senton. He almost overshot his target and went to the dirt there. That would have been disastrous. He continued his comeback in the ring, including this tornado Fame Asser thing. Schiavonie and Heenan, who had the worst chemistry of any commentators ever, began to bicker about nothing. Psychosis cut Rey off at a random and forgettable point. Rey cut him off and hit a West Coast Pop for the pin. Poor Psychosis was driven into the mat like a stake here. So yeah, this was scattered, sloppy, slow and occasionally dangerous. This is quite the up-and-down DVD.
302
303
304TV/DVD Reviews
305
306Impact
307The opening video claimed that the Christian Coalition had been one of the most dominant groups in TNA history. If they say so. This show, they told us, would be built around AJ'S BIG DECISION.
308
309Krystal interviewed AJ Styles about who he was going to join up with, Christian or Angle. AJ said Karen had told him he could bat for both teams, so that was what he was going to do. Tomko told him he was a dumbass and that Karen had lied to him. He said AJ needed to make a decision ASAP for the two of them. AJ wanted to know what Tomko was going to do. Tomko told him he'd made a decision but it was a SECRET. AJ told him they were in this together. If you care, raise your hand. Anyone. Ok, let's move on.
310
311Senshi vs. Mesias. Mesias has scary music, a mask that resembles a purple baseball, white contacts, and blood pouring from his mouth. Senshi, who is quitting, still had a competitive match with this brand new monster. Do not ask me to explain. Mesias finally hit the downward spiral for the pin. It's actually very similar to Shelton Benjamin's finish on ECW.
312
313They did a skit backstage with Angle, Borash and Karen. This was all bad comedy. It opened up with a tease (I can't believe I used that word, but I don't know what other term to use) that Borash was giving Kurt a handjob. Then Karen was bitching about some new girl that had come to TNA and distracted everyone. "WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?" Kurt asked. At least someone did. Turns out she was talking about Sharmell. I had assumed Krystal. They just kept babbling about bullshit. This is the worst program on Earth.
314
315Christian came out to rant about this AJ storyline. He said he hated indecision. He gave us a lesson about greatness. It wasn't much of a lesson. Some people are great and some are not. He said he was great. For years, he said, he had embraced his greatness. I need the script to find out if he's a babyface or a heel. I thought he turned babyface a few weeks ago but apparently I was wrong. He said he wanted a decision from Tomko and AJ right now, because TNA was not big enough for him and Angle. Does this mean they're building towards a loser leaves town match? The answer is of course not. Out came AJ. Tenay said this is what we'd been waiting for. Actually, I've been waiting for some good pro wrestling. Christian wanted to know where Tomko was. AJ said he didn't know. They diddled back and forth. AJ said he'd take a bullet for Christian. Christian said he was responsible for everything AJ had today, including the World Titles AJ won before Christian even came to the company. "How could that be possible?" asked Don West. Yes, Don West is taking Christian's word for all of this. What a dumb shit. Angle was out next. They each grabbed an arm and had a tug-of-war. This led to a brawl between Angle and Christian, and in the melee Christian accidentally clonked AJ with the belt. Tomko ran out to make the save. Christian bailed and said he wanted AJ and Tomko's decision by the end of the night. If you care, raise your hand. OK, moving on.
316
317Krystal interviewed Robert Roode about his match with Booker later. Roode said it was finally happening, he was a main eventer. I always thought the main event was at the end of the show. Apparently it's now at the 28 minute mark of a two hour show. So Roode was ranting and raving and in walked Traci, who had to bitch at him for involving Sharmell in this. He told her to shut up and remember why she existed in TNA, and that was to take orders from Robert Roode.
318
319Booker vs. Roode. Karen ran out before the match and speared Sharmell. They got into a huge brawl outside, so Kurt ran down to break it up. He threw Booker into the ring and they double-teamed him until Booker grabbed a chair. Then he grabbed a mic and said Roode was too big a pussy to fight man to man. So he challenged them to a tag match for later. Roode was right, he will be a main eventer. He must be a prophet.
320
321We got the third AJ segment of the night, within the first 35 minutes of the show. More stupid, unfunny comedy. AJ wanted to know what Borash would do. Borash said go with the Angles, dude, Kurt is the champ and Karen is the hottest chick in TNA. You don't want to be on the B-Team, do you? AJ insisted he wanted to be on both teams. Borash said that would never work. Much like the comedy on this show.
322
323They previewed the Tenay sit-down interview with Abyss later. This was the tease. It was Tenay saying, and I quote, "Tell us about that secret, Chris". Then they went to commercial. NO FUCKING BUYS.
324
325AJ came out for the FOURTH SEGMENT IN 40 MINUTES. Tomko was there too. Don't tell me these guys are gonna have a MATCH. Come on now. Motor City Machine Guns vs. Alex Shelley & Chris Sabin. Machine Guns ran wild early and Don West said wow, it's pretty clear why the Machine Guns are so popular with "all the young people". Of course, too much pro-wrestling on this program so we had to go to commercial. A mystery blond fellow was at ringside during this match. Who is that? Is that Eric Young? It is. Why is Eric Young here? Did I miss something? Great double teams by the Guns. Shelley destroyed Tomko with a tope outside. AJ hit a move and was setting up for his finish when Eric jumped up on the apron. We still don't know WHY Eric was out there. But no matter. He distracted AJ, then the Guns did a combo crucifix/rolling cradle for the finish. Yes, in this TAG TEAM MATCH, we had TWO MEN PIN ONE MAN and this was perfectly legal. I've said it before – everyone in TNA has their own rules for their matches. Apparently the Machine Guns are allowed to have both men in the ring during a finish. What's sad is that I am trying to make sense of this for you. TNA doesn't even bother.
326
327Krystal was in Cornette's office. So were Team 3-D, Matt Morgan and Havoc. They were refusing to do the Ultimate X match. Cornette was hilarious here. He said listen, you assholes have done everything to Shelley and Sabin, you've hit them with chairs, you've put them through tables, and "most devastating of all, you jumped in the air and fell on them!" He told them the match was on and then kicked them out of the office. Then, because it's TNA, he yelled at Matt Morgan. They're FIGHTING. I feel bad for Russo. He gets no chicks and he has no friends.
328
329Team pr0n~! & Gail Kim vs. Jackie & Voodoo Chick & ODB. So ODB, who is popular, is a heel, and the porn stars are babyfaces. I guess that should be obvious but I never knew. Crowd chanted "ODB!" They cut off Angelina. Jackie in particular beat the SHIT out of her. Gail finally made a hot little comeback and ran wild. Broke down into an orgy. Love went up top for a dive and nearly fell off. Thankfully everyone caught her. Gail pinned Voodoo Chick for the win. Hey, remember when ODB pinned Gail? Yeah. That was sure fucking stupid, huh?.
330
331Cornette yelled at Matt Morgan backstage. He said "corporate" was upset about last week's Christmas show. Yes, they've put the heat on Matt Morgan. Oh wait. I was wrong. So Matt Morgan produces a letter from "corporate" that includes a bonus check, and a letter congratulating them on the Christmas show and the phenomenal ratings it drew (1.1). I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP. In walked Samoa Joe. Cornette told him to stop badmouthing the company in public. Cornette told him he had a match tonight and Joe refused to do it. So Cornette said he either went to the ring or he went to his car and would be fired. So the big tease was, WILL JOE SHOW UP IN THE NEXT SEGMENT?.
332
333IT WAS TIME FOR THE SIT DOWN INTERVIEW WITH MIKE TENAY AND CHRIS ABYSS. He wanted Abyss to confirm that Chris was his real name. "Abyss is Chris Parks," said Abyss. Fascinating. "Exactly how long have you known father James Mitchell?" asked Tenay. "Too long," said Chris. Tenay wanted to know if it was true that Chris' father raised him. Chris said no, his mom raised him. Tenay got confrontational. He wanted to know the SECRET. Chris said the secret lived with him and it would die with him. Tenay said no, this is your opportunity to tell the world. Abyss said he would never tell. "One last chance, Chris!" Tenay said. Abyss finally stormed off. If you care, raise your hand. NO ONE? WHAT THE FUCK?.
334
335Joe vs. Elix Skipper. Yes, Joe showed up. He worked in his street clothes and killed Skipper. He hit the muscle buster, but then hoisted him up at two, tied him in the tree of woe, and stomped a mudhole in him. The ref tried to stop him so Joe shoved the ref. After about the third shove the ref called for the bell. A RULE IN TNA? Bullshit. Skipper took a beating and was bleeding from his mouth. They finally sent out the refs to save the day. Joe grabbed the mic and told Cornette that this was his fault, and that he was going to continue coming out here and destroying men until he got what he wanted. Tenay said what he wanted was a new contract and a shot at the World Title. Joe said he had more to bitch about, but they cut his mic. This was by far the best segment on this show by a phenomenal margin.
336
337Speaking of phenomenal, we got a skit backstage with Borash, AJ and Eric Young. Eric ranted for a good two minutes about choices before AJ walked off. NOT FUNNY.
338
339We got a skit with Scott Steiner and Petey Williams. No, really. Scott wanted Petey to give him the World Title shot and he'd trade him for the Cruiserweight Title shot. He said Petey was too small for the heavyweights. Petey said no way, and guaranteed one thousand percent that he'd be the next heavyweight champion. Scott said he'd get it back whether Petey liked it or not. I'd venture to guess Petey will not like it.
340
341Dustin Rhodes came out with security. They said he was oblivious to his actions as Black Reign. He doesn't have a TV? He said he wanted to talk to Kaz. Last week, he said, Kaz attacked him for no good reason backstage. He wanted Kaz to come out and explain it. I could have sworn when this angle started Dustin was fully aware that Black Reign was his alter-ego. Kaz came out and said he hated rats. He said Dustin put his rat on his head and that made him mad. Dustin said he knew nothing about rats, just the rats that hung around with Kaz all the time backstage. (Haw Haw.) He said he was just there trying to get a job, and he wanted Kaz to apologize. Kaz told him to kiss his ass, so Dustin slapped him and they had a pullapart. Kaz did a big dive off the bleachers. It was super dangerous and also super pointless because as soon as he did it, it was TO THE BACK~!.
342
343AJ was talking to Nash. This was more important than Kaz risking his life. Nash gave him a history lesson about – three guesses – 1997. You're stunned, I know. He said AJ need to think about who was going to screw him. "Oh man," said AJ.
344
345They had a 2007 Year in Review segment. I got through a minute or so of this and gave up, right around the time when they recapped some "comedy" involving the Fat Oily Guy.
346
347Robert Roode & Kurt Angle vs. Booker & The Mystery Partner – Christian. They had a good match in between the angles, such as AJ coming down to ringside with a chair to watch, and the commercials. Booker made the big comeback, did the spinerooni to a huge pop, hit the uranage on Roode, and then Kurt broke it up. They doubled on Booker and Christian got the blind tag. He and Angle laid each other out with a double clothesline. AJ wanted to throw a chair into the ring but couldn't decide who to throw it to. So he tossed it on the ground and bailed. Don West was appalled. "Grow you some balls here and make a decision sometime tonight!" Booker sent Angle outside, hit the axe kick on Roode, then Christian hit the unprettier for the win. At least we got a good match at the end of the show.
348
349Oh wait, there's more. Christian demanded AJ come out and give him his decision. Angle then jumped up on the apron and said he was AJ's boss, and the boss was telling him to get his ass out right now. So AJ finally came out and they were both screaming at him to make a decision. Then the show ended. Yes, by design. What a bait and switch that was. At least we didn't have to pay for it.
350
351
352Human Weapon TAE KWON DO IN HD~!
353Yes, I now have the History Channel in HD, which is so awesome.
354
355Jason Chambers and Bill Duff went to Seoul, Korea to learn Tae Kwon Do, which I took for three years in Junior High. I didn't learn much aside from pretty kicks, so I guess we'll find out today how effective it is at a high level. They watched a demonstration outside. In this demonstration we saw, seriously, a clothesline with a flip bump, a flying headscissors and a fucking bulldog. I swear to God. What the FUCK am I watching? They met a man named JUNG, a fourth degree black belt. They said 70 million people train in TKD worldwide, and that if the hosts did a crash course they could face Taek Yong Kwak, who is apparently pretty good. So the first man they trained with was named Choon. He taught them the wacky TORNADO KICK. They explained that the quick spin confused your opponent. Seems to me not many opponents in MMA competition are confused by this spin. Bill is not a spinner, but he tried. Bill said this was more like TAE KWON FUN, you got to jump around and kick like you were in the movies.
356
357They went to train with GAVIN, a man who taught bodyguards how to protect clients. Because South Korea has such strict gun laws there are very few weapons attacks. These guys were doing nutty kicks and taking bumps on concrete. They were doing this shit in SUITS. They learned basically the Karate Kid crane kick right to the face. They said this was like taking a sledgehammer blow to the face. Is that so? I'll take the kick, personally. They told Bill he was too slow and needed to practice more. One dude also told him to lose a little weight. That was hilarious. Jason has some good flexibility. They went to train with an old master who had a long gray ponytail. He had them pretend to smoke and then kicked the cigarettes out of their mouths. That was scary. Then they were taught the axe kick, which has actually been used successfully in MMA, and also matches involving Booker T. Of course, it was then to go train in AN OLDER FORM of TKD. They went to a temple where there was a gray haired man in ROBES. He said there was a master that was going to do some very impressive breaking of marble slabs. He did, in fact, impressively break marble. Twelve one-inch marble slabs, in fact. Well, he broke 11 out of 12, so they told Jason to break the last one. Jason said Bill had more force. Bill was gonna give it a shot but Jason stopped him at the last second, not wanting him to get hurt. I actually can't even explain how impressive it was that he broke all those slabs. At least, it sure seemed that way to me. They rang a bell by hitting it with a hanging log. They rang it three times, the third being to bring them luck in their future endeavors, such as their upcoming fight.
358
359They went to train in an ANCIENT form of TKD. This form has actually existed in Korea for 2,000 years. I'd classify that as ancient. It is rumored that fights sometimes ended in death. They learned some wacky footwork, so wacky that Bill described it as looking "silly". But it was important, he said, because it taught them balance. They learned the REAR HORSE KICK, which is the same kick the horse used on Terry Funk many years back in WCW, which caused Terry to call the horse a FUCKING HORSE. Bill was quite the horse kicker. Jason, not so much. You can't win them all.
360
361You know what's next. THEY WENT INTO THE MOUNTAINS. They met Kwon Lee, who taught WARRIOR TKD at a Buddhist temple. They learned "snake style", which is to fool a guy with your hands and then throw a kick. Well, once you know that, don't you know the game? They got to spar with some of the snake guys. Jason got kicked right in the temple. That had to suck. Then they got to spar with each other. The master said you white dudes are OK, but you smile too much. They said they thought the fighter who smiled was scariest because he was nuts. The master didn't want to hear this bullshit. No, he said, you smile and your mind isn't on your task. They went on a five mile jog. "Jog" is actually the wrong word. It looked like they were running, fast. Then they did pull-ups on a "120-year-old tree". Then they did lunges up the steps of the temple and a bunch of bodyweight squats and such.
362
363FIGHT TIME. Their opponent was so confident that he said he'd take on both of them one after the other. They hosts said they'd done plenty of challenges where they'd had to take on multiple opponents, so they'd flip the tables here and let an opponent take on two hosts. So Bill said, how do you score points here? "I have no idea," Jason said. Turns out since this was unsanctioned it would be two 90 second rounds. A shot to the body was 1 point and a shot to the head was 2. Bill went first. He ended up punching the dude in the face, which was illegal. It did make the dude mad, though, so he kicked Bill right in the face in return. Bill was down 0-4 leading into the second. Bill actually got a point with the HORSE KICK. So then he foolishly tried another one and got a spinning back kick right to the head and knocked him the fuck out. Bill was DONE. Jason said he was afraid Bill had suffered permanent damage, but a minute later he came to and managed to get to his feet. He noted that he had been taught a very valuable lesson. What lesson was that? I would guess the lesson would be not to fight a world champion with a week of practice. Jason's turn. "Don't get kicked in the face like me," said Bill. So about 20 seconds into the match Jason tried a wacky kick and something popped. He went down and unleashed a world-class tirade of profanity. He yelled and screamed and threw his mouthpiece and flipped his lid, but then decided to try to finish the round. Bad idea. Just avoiding a kick did further damage, and he was finished. How interesting that after studying MMA and Muay Thai and Pankration and Krav Maga and everything else, the TAE KWON DO episode resulted in both of the hosts being destroyed. A fun show, though I felt bad for the guys. Also, so much for that bell.
364
365
366Smackdown
367This was a recap show. So no recap.
368
369
370ECW
371This was a Best of 2007. Seriously, think about that, Best of ECW 2007. No buys.
372
373
374Derby City Wrestling
375Unlike, say, Smackdown or ECW, DERBY CITY DON'T TAKE NO BREAKS.
376
377Richard Cranium opened the show with a present, which he said was the famed LARGE PACKAGE. This package was here TONIGHT he alerted us. Richard Cranium and his large package always concerns me.
378
379Announcers opened up the show. They announced that tonight, making his return to the ring and his debut in DCW was former WWE star JTG of Cryme Tyme. They also announced Al Barone vs. Big Cat in a Loser Leaves DCW Match. Oh no. Suddenly, out came Anthony Bravado with his ribs taped. He said Los Locos had put him in the hospital with three broken ribs, and because of that he wanted Beto out there right now to face him man to man. Beto came out through the curtain and immediately made a call on his cell phone. He teased getting into the ring but then Los Locos jumped Bravado from behind. Once he was down with his rib tape removed Beto leaped in there and helped them stomp a mudhole in him. They were about to hit him in the ribs with a baseball bat when the Sonic Fang hit the ring and sent the big guys packing. Somehow, this was believable even though Sonic Fang weigh a combined 200 pounds.
380
381They interviewed a bunch of wrestlers backstage about what their New Year's Resolutions were. The Men Who Appear to be Iraqis, for example, said, "WE WILL CRUSH INFIDELS ALL YEAR LONG. AHAHAHAHA!" Richard Cranium said in 2008 he would get crazy.
382
383Jason Static vs. Damian Adams. Static looked good in the ring. I'd say he has a WWE body, but nowadays there are very few guys in WWE that look like Jason Static. In fact, there is nobody in WWE that looks like Beto. Static beat on him for awhile, then Damian made the big comeback. Crowd was very quiet for everything on this show so far, including this comeback. Static finally cut him off and hit a move. I have no idea what this move was. It was fantastically complicated and it required Damian to jump into position. I suggest retiring that baby. Damian quickly hit him with his flying kick finisher for the pin. Suddenly, Sergio of all people hit the ring and proceeded to give Static a sunset flip. After Static left, Sergio offered to shake hands with Adams. Adams foolishly accepted, so Static gave him a sunset flip as well. He ran over to the announcer's desk afterwards and said, man, did you SEE those sunset flips!? This is the best gimmick ever.
384
385More of the DCW stars had resolutions for 2008.
386
387Big Cat vs. Al Barone in a Loser Leaves DCW Match. Twinkle Toes said he was worried about this match. Join the club. No offense to the Big Cat, but they cannot get rid of Al Barone. His new entrance is so awesome. When he comes down to the ring they film it in black and white. Kenny Bolin cut a promo explaining the stipulation. He said no coming back under a mask, no funny business, whichever man lost was gone forever. The thing with Derby City is that whichever guy loses this match is really leaving, whether it is because they quit, they're going to OVW or WWE, etc. This is not TNA where you know that whoever loses will be back in three months. Al got the heat and went for the CEMENT BOOTS, but Big Cat shoved him off and made his comeback. He slammed Barone after having failed earlier, then put him in the full Nelson. AND THEN AL BARONE TAPPED OUT. I am heartbroken. It is a sad day here in the Empire.
388
389The Men Who Appear to be Iraqis vs. Lennox Lightfoot & Dre Blitz for the DCW Tag Team Titles. I think we missed a week somewhere. Apparently last week there was an Army of Two vs. Lennox Lightfoot & Dr Blitz number one contender's match, and even though Lightfoot and Blitz won, they pinned THE WRONG MAN. So the Iraqis said they had to do the number-one contender's match again. Army of Two vs. Blitz & Lightfoot. This was four men who did not appear to be on the same page and it turned into quite the mess at the finish. The point is, it broke down into a four way and Blitz apparently pinned Williams, the real legal man. Problem was, they both had their shoulders down and Williams got his up at the two count, so Army of Two were declared the winners and the new number one contenders.
390
391JTG came out and got a huge ovation. JTG vs. Nine Fingers Dewey. The rest of the Mobile Homers were out there at ringside. The story is that JTG wants Adam Revolver, but he has to go through all the Mobile Homers first. Ted McNaler's girlfriend was conspicuous by her absence, and they said in storyline she hadn't been around for awhile. Ted also yelled at JTG, telling him he was going down, but he called him "Chico". So apparently the story is that he has deep psychological problems as a result of our match. This is understandable as I've suffered deep psychological trauma myself after matches, most notably the hair match with Vinny. Ref ejected him and Revolver. Dewey got the heat and worked him over. I wonder what ever happened to Shad? I remember when both guys got called up I was specifically told that Shad was going to fuck it up for the two of them. So then they got fired and JTG returned here to Derby City to start over and Shad is nowhere to be found. JTG made his big comeback and ran wild. He finally hit his street dreams neckbreaker for the pinfall. So then Trailer came back out and cut a promo on JTG. He called him Chico, saying that just because he went to the gym and got a tan didn't mean he was any better in the ring, and that next week he was going to beat his ass in Chico vs. Trailer II. JTG had no idea what this man was talking about and Timmy Baltimore said clearly he had cracked. I laughed heartily.
392
393Richard Cranium came out with his present, saying he had his large package right here to Totally Awesome. "I HAVE A SURPRISE FOR YOU!" he announced. They came out to "5-to-1" by the Doors. Best team ever. They opened up the box and it was a mannequin head. Suddenly, out ran Al Snow in his ring gear. Everyone was going nuts. Crowd chanted "WE WANT HEAD!" This turned into a tag match. Al Snow & Richard Cranium vs. Totally Awesome. This is so great that all these guys are getting the chance to work with veterans on TV. No faster way to improve no matter how often you go to class. They did a bunch of wacky comedy, including a spot where Al SCARED Kamikaze Kid and he responded by taking a BUMP. So then Kid tried to scare Cranium and that was an EPIC FAIL. This was all fantastically entertaining. Bad guys got the heat for awhile, then the good guys made a comeback and Cranium pinned Kid with the large package, which somehow he botched. After the match, all the babyfaces hit the ring for a big celebration. Well, that was fun.
394
395
396Raw
397Orton came out and got immense heat. They shut all the lights off and shone the spotlight on him as he talked about his New Year's resolutions for 2007, among them being that he was going to continue to be a jerk and would retain the title all year. Jeff Hardy came out and because they were in the Carolinas the place went absolutely haywire. Orton had played a highlight video earlier of his 2007. Jeff said nobody cares what you did last year, all they care about is what you've done lately, and that's jack shit. He said Orton had no momentum, unlike himself. He showed clips from two weeks ago of him pinning Orton in the tag match. Orton said all that proved was that he got lucky in a tag match. He said if Jeff wanted to talk about momentum, he could ask Shawn Michaels and John Cena and Chris Jericho what he'd done lately. They got face to face and Orton tried the RKO. Jeff slipped behind and hit him with the twist of fate. Orton actually took an awesome bump. This was a fun little segment and Jeff came off as a big star here.
398
399They showed an awesome Ric Flair video package that not only included a bunch of older clips from his career, but also clips from, say, his high school prom. It was hilarious. They recapped the whole Flair/Vince storyline. To think that on TV they still haven't given us a good reason for Vince to have made this decision in the first place.
400
401Matt and Jeff met backstage. They hugged and such. Matt said he was red hot and he was so proud of him. Jeff wanted to know how he was feeling with no appendix. This is the first time they've chatted since Matt got his appendix out? Matt said he was fine, he never had to have it taken out again. What a positive attitude. Now it was time for Matt to cut to the chase. He said when Jeff won the title would he give him a shot at it? Jeff said of course, it would be an honor. So they went to discuss this.
402
403HBK vs. Mr. Kennedy. They did mat wrestling early and it was good. Kennedy still looks like he hits people too hard, but if the guys are fine with that than more power to him. Shawn ended up tripping him up and whacking his knee into the apron. Kennedy pulled up his shin pad a bit to reveal a gigantic welt on his leg. I suspect that didn't happen just now, but it was cool that they worked it into the match. You should have seen Kennedy writhing and screaming in agony as Shawn had him in, for example, a half crab. It was like he was being run over with a steamroller. I've said it before, but Shawn Michaels is so much more of a man than I am. The heat was Kennedy spearing him through the ropes with great fury and they both crashed and burned tumbling to the floor. I would have suggested we get the heat with, say, a punch or something (a fake one). Kennedy worked him over. Shawn went for the CRIPPLER CROSSFACE again but Kennedy escaped by elbowing him right in the eyeball. Shawn finally elbowed him as they were on the top rope and they had a battle. Kennedy won and hit a giant superplex. HBK, bad back and all, took a goddamn superplex. That was so nutty. Shawn finally started punching and kicking at the knee, then did the flying forearm and made his comeback. He hit the big bodyslam and went up top for the flying elbow. He was doing a masterful job selling the back. Or it was broken again. He missed the flying elbow. Kennedy hit an Oklahoma roll but Shawn kicked out. More nearfalls and cradles and such. Crowd was going nuts for this match by this point. Shawn missed the superkick and Kennedy hit his downward spiral for the clean pin. You read that right. He hit his finisher and won. This was a hell of a match and Kennedy must have done a hell of a job over the last month. The days of the Heartbreak Kid laying down for absolutely nobody are over.
404
405HHH did a promo with Todd backstage. In the upconverted HD, which isn't even real HD, Hunter looks a hundred years old. He was very sad about this match with Flair later. Vince walked up. "How are you?" he asked. What a friendly man. He said history was going to be made tonight and wanted to know what was going to happen if Hunter lost his match with Flair. Regal said well, if Hunter doesn't win he will not be competing in the Royal Rumble match. Now Hunter was very upset. "Happy New Year," Vince said, and walked off. What happened to Vince losing his mind?.
406
407We had a New Year's skit with Faarooq, Fat Oily Guy and Jillian. It was awful. However, this is not TNA so it was only ten seconds long.
408
409Vince was meeting with Regal and we had the funniest moment of 2007, and think of the ground that covers (exactly 365 days, in fact). Someone called Vince and his ring tone was his theme music. Never have I laughed so hard. Vince calmly answered the phone, said he'd call them back, hung up and moved on. Unlike TNA they didn't have to TELL us it was funny or TELL us we were supposed to laugh, they just did it in such an understated way, like we should not think twice that this man's ring tone is his own theme music, that it was ten times as funny. Vince then said he wanted Regal to prove himself to him tonight, once and for all, in a match. He signed Regal vs. Hornswaggle. Regal was so happy. He did want to know what to do about Finlay. Vince said not to worry about it, Finlay was in Ireland. The idea of a Finlay vs. Regal match tickles my loins.
410
411I can't believe I just wrote that.
412
413Jim Duggan vs. Umaga. Duggan won the first Royal Rumble, so he got this qualifying match with the mad caveman who is, quite frankly, straight out of the 80s. Duggan was quickly beaten and took the ass spot in the corner. He made sure to get both hands up. Duggan bled from the mouth. Umaga then hit the thumb of doom for the pin. Umaga wins. Umaga goes to the Royal Rumble. Sucks to be James E. Duggan.
414
415We had a meeting with Flair, Bob Holly and Cody Rhodes. Vince walked in. He wanted to know if Ric was ready, ready to walk that aisle one more time. He said there was no kiss stealing, no more wheeling dealing or jet flying. It's over, Vince said. "Over." As fucking stupid it is that Flair wasn't allowed to speak here, he's still so great sitting there and just listening to Vince's insane ramblings.
416
417JBL arrived on Raw. We got a big party. There was a stretch limo with the horns, balloons falling from the sky, the whole nine yards. JBL is down significantly in weight from his peak. They dropped streamers and such from the sky. He soaked in his reaction, which was unfavorable, for a long, long time. They just kept blasting pyro over and over, and he stood there and celebrated, and then they blasted more pyro, and ballyhoo, and then he celebrated, and the people kept booing and booing, and all the while he celebrated. This was like the biggest celebration you ever saw, and it was for JBL arriving on Raw. Well, they certainly tried to put this over like it was important. By the time this was over he was the most hated cowboy the South had ever seen. He finally cut a promo (sadly, as he should have just celebrated and then left). He said this New Year's Eve would be known for one thing and one thing only, and that was the day that JBL returned. "YES!" he added. He said he was a millionaire many times over and he didn't have to be here, but he was here because he loved power and domination and he was going to crush all the competition on the Raw. "I love OWNING people!" he announced. He said he was the worst nightmare because if he couldn't buy it he would take it. Suddenly, Jericho's music hit and interrupted his celebration. Jericho speared him into the rail and they had a huge brawl. Well, at least with Jericho they found a former hockey player who isn't afraid to hit back. About a million guys came down to break this scene up. JBL's shirt came up during this pull-apart and, well, he still has a ways to go here. This is one of the best feuds in wrestling right now. JBL looked cut hardway above the nose.
418
419After commercial, JBL was bitching at the agents backstage saying they needed to treat him with more respect, and if they didn't he would BUY them. Well, that's not so bad.
420
421Beth Phoenix vs. Mickie James' Jeans vs. Melina in a triple threat match for the Women's Title. Mickie tried a headscissors on Beth early and they botched it up to a truly legendary degree. Beth just covered her and didn't miss a beat. Melina tried to pin Mickie and Beth broke it up, so Melina slapped her. Both babyfaces gave her a double enzuigiri, but then fought over who should make the pin. There was much botchery in this match. Please no one die. There was enough action that this was fine. Beth got thrown outside and took a horrifying bump. They other two dropkicked her off the apron, then Mickie hit her DDT on Melina. Beth got in to break it up, then threw her outside and hit Melina with the muscle buster for the pin. Announcers called it the fisherman suplex. This was a fun little battle, I'll give them that.
422
423Vince and Regal came out. Regal vs. The Midget. Vince asked the little fellow for a hug before the match. AHH. So then the match started. Regal locked up with the midget. This was so awesome. Vince looked on approvingly. Regal would bull him into the corner and give him the clean break. Regal took him down and grabbed him by the scruff of the neck. He threatened to punch him but couldn't bring himself to do it. Vince called him over and gave him a talking to, and then a STERN talking to. The midget hit him from behind and Regal went nuts, but then when he grabbed him by the collar he couldn't bring himself to punch him. Vince was commanding him to hit him. Vince then produced the brass knucks and said he'd found them in Regal's jacket. He threw them to him and demanded he bust him up. "HIT HIM, HIT HIM! DAMMIT, I SAID HIT HIM!" Regal just couldn't do it. He let him go and Hornswaggle ran for his life. Regal got a big pop for this, pretty much immediately turning babyface. Vince got in the ring and slapped him, then went into full Vince McMahon mode saying this was a TEST and Regal failed. He was screaming at him asking him what happened to the old William Regal. He commanded him to leave the ring. Regal's facials were out of this world. He looked like he was about to break down into tears. This was one of the best segments on any wrestling show in ages.
424
425Jeff Hardy vs. Santino. The Santino/Carlito/Maria trio is so unbelievably awesome, and my GOD should you have seen that woman tonight. I've never seen a woman like that. So then, sadly, Santino had to have a match. At least it wasn't Carlito. Santino has added Muay Thai knees to his repertoire. He was actually pretty good this evening. I spoke took soon. You should have seen some of the bumps he was taking. So anyway, Jeff went up top for the senton and suddenly Orton appeared on the big screen. He had Matt Hardy down on the ground, and he said he was going to ring in the new year by soccer kicking him right in the face, which he then proceeded to do. Jeff ran backstage and they brought in all the officials to tend to him. Good angle. Funny that they couldn't beat Santino first, though. He's being PROTECTED.
426
427We had a meeting with Flair and Hunter. They shook hands and Hunter said listen, will we still be friends after I beat you. Flair said, oh, so it's a foregone conclusion that you're winning now? He said listen, I want you to give it all you got but tonight we're in Greensboro and if you think I'm going down easy you're wrong. He said Hunter was his best friend now and was always going to be his best friend, but he'd said it on Smackdown that he wanted Hunter to bring THE GAME tonight. Hunter said he'd strived all his life to be the man Flair had been and the man he still was. Flair said don't bullshit me, I'm not the man I used to be, but tonight I'll give it my all. Hunter said you go out there and be the man, and I'll beat the man. This was fantastic.
428
429Hunter vs. Flair. So yeah, Flair was super over here and Greensboro and he was clearly having the time of his life. The crowd was eating up every single thing he did and even Hunter cracked a grin early on. They did some mat wrestling early and a highspot which included a CORNISH HYPE and a big chop. I didn't think Flair looked all that great in the Umaga match, but I also understood that Umaga isn't exactly the best opponent for Flair. But he looked really good here. Hunter finally punched him in the face and got the heat. That got a fair deal of heat right there. And yes, Hunter got the heat in this match with A PUNCH. Flair fought back out of the corner and Hunter gave him a simple back elbow and the place went crazy with anger. This is the best match I've ever seen. It was so simple and so basic and so perfect. Flair refused to die. Hunter was using all the old Flair spots like the jumping knee drop and the headlock punch behind the ref's back. Hunter gave him the sidewalk slam and went for the pedigree. Flair slipped out and gave him a backslide. Place went nuts. This was a masterpiece in showing how easy and fun pro wrestling can be when you know how to do it right. Flair had a huge mat burn on his forearm and elbow. Hunter put him in a sleeper and he backdropped his way free. Flair actually gave him a double arm suplex. My God. His punches in this match were awesome, by the way, and keep in mind how much standards have changed since when he started he began doing chops because he thought his punches sucked. Flair went up top and Hunter went to throw him off. Flair cut him off and actually hit the big double sledge off the top. I am in love with this battle. Flair started strutting and dropped his huge knee. He went to work on the knee and went for the figure four. Hunter shoved him off and went for a sleeper, but Flair turned it into the knee breaker and put on the figure four. Hunter sold this like a motherfucking KING OF KINGS. He finally got the ropes and the place was IRATE. Flair ended up walking right into a pedigree, but he landed on his bad knee and sold like he couldn't make the cover. He was crawling over to make the pin when Regal ran down with the brass knucks and clonked Flair in the face for DQ. So yes, Flair won via DQ and Hunter lost his spot in the Royal Rumble. He pitched a fit to the ref but there was nothing he could do about it. This was fine, fine pro-wrestling action, thought it would have been great to see Flair beat the guy. I'm actually surprised Hunter didn't demand to put him over. Well, what can you do? Hunter lifted Flair up afterwards and they hugged as the place gave him a huge standing ovation. An excellent, excellent show.
430
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439F4W~!#658 - JOHN CENA WINS RUMBLE!? - February 4, 2008
4402008-01-29
441F4W~!#657 - Penn slaughters Stevenson - January 28, 2008
4422008-01-23
443F4W~!#656 - UFC files suit against Couture - January 21, 2008
4442008-01-16
445F4W~!#655 - AJ GETS INVOLVED! - January 14, 2008
4462008-01-08
447F4W~!#654 - Liddell, St. Pierre victorious - January 7, 2008
4482008-01-02
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454F4W~!#655 - AJ GETS INVOLVED! - JANUARY 14, 2008
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457TNA makes me sad. I really don't want to hate the place but I often do, and I blame it all on Impact. There was a PPV Sunday, Final Resolution, and in the end it wasn't a bad show. In fact, we got two matches approaching four stars, which is more than you can say for most WWE PPVs of late. But there were, as always (I write this every single month, which is what happens when you're writing about something that never changes), the Usual TNA Problems â„¢.
458
459The problems are never the wrestlers. I will never say a bad thing about the wrestlers in TNA. The problems had to do with, SURPRISE SURPRISE!, the idiot writing crew. I will use that word, idiot. These people are, without question, booking idiots. It doesn't matter if anyone is a bigger idiot than anyone else; they're all wrestling booking idiots so it's the fault of all of them.
460
461The issues on this show largely involved, as always, the rules or lack thereof. When even the announcers are pointing out that your referees should be doing something (and then the referees don't), you've got a problem. TNA booking a "no-DQ match" is such high comedy, particularly when, with the exception of Samoa Joe running roughshod on a hundred men, it's goddamn near impossible to get DQ'd in TNA. You had a bunch of matches on this show where all sorts of stuff was allowed, thus making the Gail Kim vs. Awesome Kong match less special, and also making it even more stupid when the announcers were arguing later during an Abyss match of all things that the referee needed to step in there and do something about a chair. WWE does some shitty DQ's, don't get me wrong, but at the very least there are RULES in WWE that extend largely across all three brands and you're never confused about what's going on. I hate being confused when watching wrestling. Either have some fucking rules or don't, or just go with my idea that everyone has their own set of rules, since that's what TNA seems to do half the time anyway. This half-ass bullshit is lame.
462
463So of course, because they decided to have RULES in a few of these matches, we had all sorts of people running in and causing distraction and even getting INTO THE RING. Whatever the wrestler was going to do that required distraction was apparently going to be a DQ, but the distracter causing an immense distraction or even getting into the ring was not a DQ. This led to the main event where, as always, we had immense distraction. In TNA, the fans know that distraction equals bullshit, which is what it meant here. Kurt Angle and Christian were having a great match, but of course nobody cared about all the nearfalls at the finish because for four straight weeks on Impact we had been told that the main event of the show was that AJ Styles was going to run in, which of course he did. I shall plagiarize from myself (is that legal?) from my last Fight Network column:
464
465
466Christian and Angle are fighting over possession of AJ Styles. For a month we've seen an Angle/Christian soap opera where they're recruiting men to be part of their armies. I don't know why. We've never been told why this is important since Angle vs. Christian just happens to be a singles match. The battle has focused on Tyson Tomko and AJ Styles. Are they going with Angle or Christian? Most importantly, why should we care who they go with? This has never been explained to my own personal satisfaction. The best I can come up with is that Angle and Christian are fighting over who is going to do a run-in at the PPV. There's a selling point. Shouldn't the selling point be that Angle and Christian want to beat the other in a wrestling match? I don't think we've seen a single promo with either guy explaining why they hate the other and want to win. But let's forget all that for a second. The battle is over Tyson and AJ. After four weeks, Tyson finally announced that he was going to go out on his own and choose neither side, and then when Kurt Angle tried to attack him Tyson grabbed him by the throat and threatened to break his neck. So they chit-chat with Christian about this and he says, yay, I don't care, good for Tomko! But, he must know, what side is AJ on? This begs the question -- who on the planet Earth would want AJ Styles in their corner? For the last two months AJ Styles has been the biggest loser on Impact. He's had to wear a turkey suit, he's had to wear a reindeer suit, and on this show, in a series of some of the least-funny skits imaginable, he was hiding out in his granny's house because he was too big a coward to make a stand, and then we had to hear from his wrestling coach making jokes about how he used to pee his pants, and jokes from his sister about how he used to, well, pleasure himself. There is no bigger fool on the show, and he's such a huge fool that Eric Young, the previous biggest fool on the show and the guy that two weeks ago didn't know that there was no such thing as Santa Claus, was giving him advice. Christian doesn't care that the 6-6 goatee'd tatted-up musclebound monster Tomko has bailed on him, but he HAS to know where AJ stands? Who is the bigger loser, the loser or the loser who wants him on his team? So this, the quest for the pants-pissing goof pleasuring himself in a reindeer costume, is the final hook to get us to purchase the Final Resolution PPV. NO BUYS.
467
468
469
470No buys indeed. Nobody bought this show. It's impossible. If it breaks 15,000 buys I will be utterly baffled. I watched the first five minutes of the Angle vs. Christian match, with both guys staring at each other and doing a bit of mat wrestling and exchanging hard slaps, and I thought, "If I saw ANYTHING like this on Impact over the past four weeks I'd have been excited to see this match." But no. It was all about who the geek was going to interfere for. I said it a few weeks ago and I'll say it again. I read that TNA script (for the go-home episode of Impact, in fact), and it hit me more reading it than it does watching it that these people have no earthly idea what in the hell they're doing. And that angers me since there is so much talent here going completely to waste.
471
472Which reminds me. I had another revelation when watching Impact and this PPV. Kurt Angle should not be champion, nor should Christian or AJ or anyone else in the title hunt. They're all booked as midcarders, they're all exactly the same. Christ, on the PPV here we had KAREN ANGLE saying she had no faith in her HUSBAND, the CHAMPION, of retaining the belt on his own. There are two people in this entire company that stand out from the rest, and who I believe should be champion: Tomko or Awesome Kong.
473
474You think I'm joking. Absolutely not. When Tyson cut his promo on Angle on Impact and then grabbed him by the throat and threatened to throttle him, I thought, "My GOD, this is the only male wrestler in this company that stands out, who comes off as being at a level above everyone else." I've said it before, but Tyson needs to get the hell out of TNA and go to New Japan full-time or to WWE. The way he'd been booked previously, as the guy who found all of this bullshit to be, well, bullshit, and the guy who ultimately decided, fuck this, I'm going out on my own, actually made him SPECIAL. Problem is, he was a minor cog in the larger wheel, so without question as soon as they start working their booking magic on him (probably this week), he will within a very short period of time be just another geek. And that's too bad. Awesome Kong, even though she was pinned on this show, is the most dominant wrestler on the entire roster. She is the one person on the entire show that isn't parity booked. She is the person that everyone in the entire division is scared of, and who is so far above everyone else, even the champion, that it takes flukes and distraction and God knows what else to sneak out a win over her. Chyna as IC Champion was annoying because she couldn't back it up in the ring. I seriously would have no problem if this Awesome Kong beat Kurt Angle for the belt and just ran roughshod over all the guys. She's 280, she can work, and it would be something that certainly separated TNA from every other wrestling promotion. Maybe it would work, maybe it would fail. It's not like TNA has anything to lose here. I am at a loss to explain how they've done such a good job with her, the best job of anyone in the company, in fact, and fucked it up with pretty much everyone else. It's amazing. They did, however, nearly screw it up on the last Impact when three girls eliminated her from the women's Gauntlet match. Utter ineptitude. I got even angrier when thinking about it later, because really, Kong was already the number one contender so there was absolutely no reason to even put her in this ranking Gauntlet at all. She never should have been there and never should have been eliminated like that.
475
476They did the usual show opening video package. As noted before, it's become a parody. It's a quite hilarious parody now, between the music and the Darth Vader guy, who totally sounds like he knows what a clown show this has become. "HAUNTED BY FAILURE!" he thundered at one point. I'll say.
477
4781. LAX vs. Lance Hoyt & Jimmy Rave. Announcers hyped this up by noting that man on woman violence was not allowed in TNA. This was in reference to the Latino Nation mystery woman. May want to write this down. Good guys ran wild early, then Homicide went for a dive and Rave knee'd him right in the face. They laid him out on the apron, and you'd think this would be the heat, but no, Hernandez did an INSANE dive over the top and they were back in control. I never understood the idea of stopping the momentum if you're not really going to stop it, but that's just me. Place went haywire for the dive, so at least that worked. Hoyt finally cut off Homicide for real with a spinning flapjack. Hernandez quickly got the tag and started throwing everyone around. Terrifying man, and freaky strong. Homicide did a dive through the ropes taking out Hoyt. Hernandez went for the border toss on Rave but Christy cut him off. Hoyt went up top for something but FAILED, then Hernandez climbed up onto the middle rope and gave Rave a super border toss. That was horrifying. It was also the finish. The Latino Nation member hit the ring afterwards and gave Hoyt a low blow. Christy tried to hit a low blow of her own, but the Mystery Latino has no balls. It's the Vampire's wife, who then proceeded to do a striptease as the fans chanted "SHELLEY!" Christy was appalled. No one else was. Shelley doesn't do much for me, but she looked so much better on this show than she ever did in ECW. (**3/4)
479
480They aired clips from the James Storm vs. Eric Young drinking contest. Borash and the interview chick were there in street clothes. Apparently this took place last night. Borash and Jackie were taking shots as well. I have no earthly idea what was going on here. I think there was a potential for comedy because James Storm is hilarious, but I couldn't hear half of what they were saying, plus stupid music was playing. So I gave up. Giving up on TNA always makes me happy.
481
482Crystal interviewed AJ, saying THE WORLD wanted to know whose side he was going to choose. He said he promised he'd choose a side and would do so later. Tomko said no, he needed to make his decision RIGHT NOW. They had a tag match, he said, and if AJ fucked it up, well, he'd kill him. AJ said no, he'd let everyone know sooner or later. Crystal had to act like she cared. Johnny Depp is not that good an actor.
483
4842. Kaz vs. Black Reign. Don West was in rare form here. He said running up a ramp required athletic ability, and that Kaz was kicking Reign in the ass up said ramp. They brawled all over the place forever. Nothing like brawling all over the place in this match here when there is a no-DQ match scheduled next that's supposed to be special. Kaz did some stuff early and got cut off. Reign can hardly do a thing anymore. Heat was OK. God bless these fans. They finally crashed into each other as both guys tried a flying high cross. Yes, Black Reign attempted to take flight. That also takes athleticism. Kaz finally made his big comeback and the people were into it. Reign cut him off and hit the laziest pedigree ever, not even bothering to hook the arms. He went for the reverse superplex, but Kaz turned it into finisher for the pin. Neither announcer seemed to know that was his finisher and may have been surprised by the finish. Match was better than you'd think. (**1/4)
485
486Of course, there had to be a post-match angle. Kaz went over and STOLE THE MOUSE. "What's this about?" Tenay asked. "Kaz taking possession of the rat!?" Now there's a money post-match right there.
487
488Borash interviewed Kurt and Karen. Borash thinks he's part of the family. Angle said there's no "we" here. I'm trying to figure out what's wrong with Borash if Angle wants AJ, the biggest fool on the show. Karen said she was not about to put the fate of the world title in the hands of her husband. Are you kidding me? They did "comedy" which was "shitty". She told him to worry about the match and she'd go take care of business. He said every time she did that she fucked something up. "Trust me," she said, and bailed. Angle sent Borash to go follow her.
489
4903. Gail Kim vs. Awesome Kong for the Woman's Title in a no-DQ match. Gail attacked her at the bell, but Kong clotheslined her on the floor and went to work. They threatened an Awesome Kong bomb through the announcer's table, but it didn't happen. The match returned to the ring and Kong just stepped on her and such. She threw her around and beat on her, then put her on the top turnbuckle and gave her a spinning backfist. Gail fell back into a tree of woe outside the ring and sold it like she'd blown out her knee. As she was hanging there upside down you could hear, no shit, people SCREAMING IN TERROR. This is the best feud of all time. Gail would make these little fiery comebacks and then Kong would just punch her right in the face. She gave her a giant swing right into the guardrail, which looked brutal, then threw her into the crowd. Gail finally made a big comeback and began working over Kong's shoulder, including running it into the post. Kong made a comeback and tried to hit Gail in the face with a chairshot as she was draped over the apron, but Gail moved and kicked the chair into her face. She tried a huge dive off the post to the floor but Kong caught her and didn't go down. Kong should be the fucking TNA Champion. She went for the Awesome bomb. Gail tried to roll down her back into a sunset flip. FAIL. Kong jumped and was going to crush her but Gail moved and ran wild. There was a very different audience this month, as Kong kept running wild and going for nearfalls, and there were boos when Gail kicked out. Kong got irate about one of them and killed Slick Johnson with a powerbomb. Huge pop for that. She went and got another chair. She began beating the referee with it. Gail ended up grabbing the chair and waffling Kong with it twice, including once to somewhere near the back of the head. She hit a big splash and another ref ran down but Kong kicked out. "THIS IS AWESOME!" Kong gave her a huge chokeslam but Gail kicked out. Crowd was going nuts at this point. Kong was irate and responded by bitch slapping the new ref. She went to give him a powerbomb, but Gail rolled her up from behind. The ref fell on top of Kong and then slid into position to count the pin. Kong kicked out right at three, so she wasn't killed here. They got into a huge brawl afterwards and all the Black Shirt Security Geeks ran down to break it up. THIS FEUD MUST CONTINUE, THANK GOD! Out next was TEAM PRON~!, since they weren't booked elsewhere on the show. As a wrestling match, this was even better than last month. (***3/4)
491
492Borash followed Karen into the men's bathroom, where she found AJ Styles. She was there to relieve him of his tensions. As she was seducing him, ODB came out of a stall. HAW HAW. She (Karen, thank God) began kissing his cheek and seducing him. Borash was all bug-eyed. She said if AJ did what he was supposed to tonight, there was more where that came from. So yeah, then AJ went into the stall and began pleasuring himself.
493
494Jim Mitchell cut a promo in the most amazing purple suit, with Mesias standing in the background on what appeared to be a stage on Broadway. He was talking about secrets. As usual, I have no fucking idea what is happening, except that it involved CHRIS.
495
4964. CHRIS ABYSS vs. Mesias. They fought all over the place, including on the ramp and around ringside. So this is now the third match in the row like this and only one of them was billed as no-DQ. I'll bet Ultimate X is next so we'll have four in a row. So after all the bullshit with the secret and such, you'll be stunned to learn that this had the least amount of heat of anything on this show. Abyss got a chair. The ref told him no. Abyss didn't care. Come on, ref, you know the ABYSS RULES. Abyss lodged the chair in the corner. The ref told him no, no, no, then finally went and tried to remove the chair. He couldn't, so he literally threw his hands in the air and gave up. This is the dumbest promotion ever. Abyss kicked Mesias in the nuts (also not a DQ) and then threw him head-first into the chair. Ref just let it go. Abyss hit a big chokeslam but Mesias kicked out. Mitchell came back out in his purple suit and dropped a bag at ringside. Abyss got a chair wrapped in barbed wire. The announcers kept asking what the ref was going to do about this. The ref tried to move it outside, allowing Mesias to hit a HARD chairshot to Chris' face. Ref didn't hear that? Abyss hit the black hole slam but Mitchell had the ref. So now Mitchell was in the ring as well. No DQ. Mitchell was not fighting the ref. Mesias blew ref mist into Abyss' face, then gave him his finisher on the barbed wire chair. What a mess this was. (*1/2)
497
498Mitchell got in the ring with a mic afterwards and demanded CHRIS tell the secret. It was time to introduce FIRE. You'd think Mesias had learned from AAA. They poured gas on Abyss and all over the ring. Abyss had to pretend like he couldn’t escape the ring. Mitchell lit a match. Of course, that was the cue for the Black Shirt Security Geeks to make the save. Bet you five bucks that was real gasoline they used since Abyss is nutty. Oh, also, security only took the match and then left Mesias and Mitchell in the ring. Good thing Mitchell didn't have a lighter in his pocket. Then it was TOO THE BACK~!
499
500Crystal interviewed Nash, who now spouts philosophy. Zen philosophy. This is a great gimmick. He said he was going to continue to do what he did best, which was put asses in seats and win championship belts. So then he asked her what she was doing later. She said I don't know, I'm kinda hungry. "Cool," said Kevin Nash. THIS WAS A MASTERPIECE.
501
5025. Robert Roode & Traci vs. Booker T & Sharmell. The dudes worked the early part of the match. It was good as you would expect and had decent enough heat. Roode got pissed at Brooks for not attacking Booker behind the ref's back when she had the opportunity. "I'M NOT CHEATING FOR YOU!" she screamed. Roode actually busted out the old Mr. Perfect running leapfrog spot into a dropkick. There is a man whose tapes I endorse watching. Traci refused to cheat again so Roode told her to get the hell out of here. So she got off the apron, but then tripped up Booker T and Roode got the heat. She was upset with herself for doing what she'd done. Roode hit a flipping neckbreaker off the middle rope but Booker kicked out. Crowd seemed restless. I think they wanted the women in the ring, since they hadn't tagged in a single time. Roode demanded Traci slap Booker, which she did, much to her own dismay. Announcers were explaining that Roode had power over her for financial reasons. They got into a big argument and he slapped her hand, and the ref said this was a tag. Sharmell tagged in and we got the catfight. Roode threw Booker into the rail. Traci rolled up Sharmell. Sharmell kicked out, running Traci and Roode together, then Sharmell rolled Traci up for the pin. Good finish. Match was fine. (**1/4)
503
504Post match bullshit time. Roode screamed at Traci afterwards as he is wont to do. She finally slapped him and started pummeling him. Roode shoved down the refs and was screaming at Traci in the corner. Sharmell hit the ring and tapped him on the shoulder from behind. He turned around and punched her right in the face, and she took this impossibly great bump. Roode immediately sold it like he had no idea what he had done and was appalled by it. Booker on the apron got all bug-eyed and flew down to the ring. Roode bailed up the ramp as Don West left the announcer's booth to check on her. Traci was appalled. Roode was screaming, "I'M SORRY!" as he backed through the curtain. They played this up big enough that Sharmell got a huge ovation as she got to her feet and was helped from the ring. Loud "SHARMELL!" chants. Announcers took off their headsets to add to it. They immediately cut TO THE BACK!
505
506Crystal interviewed Christian. He said he'd win and didn't need any help. So the last four weeks of TV were just bullshit?
507
508Tenay gave us a stern lecture about not hitting women. They promised to get us updates.
509
510More drinking contest crap.
511
5126. Team 3-D & Johnny Devine vs. Motor City Machine Guns & Jay Lethal. For those wondering what they were going to hang above the ring, the answer is the X-Division Title that Lethal owns but Devine has possession of. Explain this to a first-time viewer. Team 3-D cut a heel promo beforehand about how great they were. Tenay noted that Sharmell had been taken to a local medical facility with "jaw problems". They continued to play up that Shelley and Sabin had broken wrists and Team 3-D was too fat to climb. It was largely a hardcore match with tables and crowd brawling and such outside. Shelley and Sabin both tried to climb but could only get a hand or two along before the "pain was too great". So basically it was Lethal vs. Devine Ultimate X. Devine tried to climb but the Guns stopped him. Their idea was to grab his legs, swing him, and he'd take a flip bump. He didn't swing enough, though, and landed upside down on his head and neck. I thought he was dead, but somehow he was OK. Team 3-D then did some wacky comedy trying to get the belts, things like jumping and then trying to get a boost from the other. They failed and people chanted, "YOU'RE TOO FAT!" Bubba tried to scale the cables twice, and it was an EPIC FAIL. He also tried a flying elbow off the middle rope and missed. Devine went to climb again. Oh no. This just doesn't seem to be his thing. Shelley speared him off, then Sabin hit a tornado DDT. They did a funny spot where Bubba got under the cables and D-Von stood on his shoulders and grabbed them. Bubba was walking him towards the middle when they got cut off. Lethal did a reverse huracanrana on Devine off Bubba's shoulders. A ref hit the ring and held up the DREADED X sign. Shelley then accidentally killed the ref. No one came to tend to Devine. Good thing he wasn't really hurt or he'd be dead by now. Team 3-D got the ladder. Tenay said there was an unwritten rule that you didn't use a ladder in Ultimate X. I love rules made up on the spot. And you wonder why nobody would buy it or care. Devine was alive and killed both Machine Guns with a cane show. He climbed so they could do a spot. How did I know they were going to do a spot? Well, the ladder was underneath the belt, but Devine moved the ladder AWAY from under the belt and then went to climb. He got the ladder tipped over. He was supposed to take a bump over the top through two tables, but neither table broke and he bounced off them and landed on the floor. You are the unluckiest man in the world. D-Von then climbed the ladder and got the belt. He was actually hanging from the cables by one arm while Bubba removed the ladder and pointed D-Von out to the ref. So Team 3-D won. A clusterfuck, but it was creative and I had fun. (***1/4)
513
5147. AJ Styles & Tomko vs. Samoa Joe & Kevin Nash for the Tag Titles. AJ and Joe started, which of course was good. THEN NASH TAGGED IN. Nash vs. AJ was fine. AJ ended up dropkicking him in the knee, then tagged in Tomko. I love when Tenay refers to Japan as THE ORIENT, like it's a place where guys smoke opium when they're not in the ring. Tomko continued working over the knee. It's so impossible to take AJ seriously in the ring when he's such a total geek outside of it. Nash hit Tomko with a side slam and made the hot tag to Joe. He ran wild on Styles so it was great. This is about four minutes into the match, by the way. Nash and Joe, who hated each other on, well, Thursday, were working together perfectly here. Nash disappeared and the heels cut off and double-teamed Joe. So they're getting the heat twice. It's so fucking sad how they've killed AJ, because every two seconds I sit here and think how fucking awesome his stuff with Joe is. He did a huge springboard and Joe caught him in mid-air and powerbombed him. My God that was great. Joe crawled over to get the hot tag, but Nash dropped off the apron and walked to the back. Joe made his own one-man comeback and went for the muscle-buster on Tomko. AJ cut him off. Joe just kept fighting. This was actually great. Joe went for the muscle buster on AJ but Tomko broke it up. Fans chanted, "THANK YOU TOMKO!" That should tell you what a disaster it is to book a guy as a whiny babyface, because the fans didn't want him to win despite this being 2-on-1 AND his partner bailed on him. AJ finally hit the Pele kick and they followed it up with their finisher for the pin. This improved dramatically once they got rid of Nash. (**1/4)
515
516James Storm won the beer drinking contest. Yay.
517
518Borash interviewed Angle, who didn't know about the deal in the bathroom. They had a rare funny moment in TNA. Borash said Karen tried to seduce AJ. Angle said, what? Like Mrs. Robinson. Borash then said, "I don't know who that is." I laughed. THEY MADE FUN OF HOW SHITTY THE WRITING IS. That's comedy. He said he'd win and AJ would come with him.
519
5208. Kurt Angle vs. Christian Cage for the TNA Title. Christian was way over and the people chanted "ANGLE SUCKS!" Angle was wearing his shooter boots and no kneepads. He was clearly the heel here as there were loud "INSTANT CLASSIC!" chants. Christian ran wild early and this was really good. Angle was working his ass off like the Angle of old. Angle slapped the shit out of him twice so Christian spit on him. They had a hard forearm battle that Christian won. He tossed Angle outside and wiped him out with a scary-looking Silver King dive. Angle finally got the heat giving him an overhead belly to belly to the floor. It was less scary than you'd think, but scary nonetheless. For those taking notes, Angle is ripped to shreds and disgustingly tan. Cage took a backdrop off the top and Angle hit his moonsault. I think you can count on one hand the number of guys who have laid down there for that. Christian finally made his big comeback and ran wild. He hit the reverse DDT and went up top for the frog splash. He missed and Angle hit an Oklahoma roll for a nearfall. Angle hit the rolling Germans and put on the ankle lock. They rolled around and fought for it, then Christian won and went up top. Angle did the run-up belly to belly. He put the ankle lock back on. Nobody bought it as a finish since they were waiting for AJ to run in. He put on a wacky hold, but Angle switched back to the ankle lock. More nearfalls. Christian hit the frog splash but Angle kicked out. They teased a ref bump. Angle hit a low blow and the Angle slam but Christian kicked out. Karen took the ref and Christian put Angle in the ankle lock. Angle tapped, but no ref. AJ then ran down and dragged Karen up the ramp. He gave Christian a big hug, but it was a SWERVE and he did a springboard forearm to Christian. "HE JUST KILLED CHRISTIAN IN THE BACK!" Don screamed. Angle then hit the slam for the pin. So there you go, AJ is with Kurt. Match was really good. (***3/4)
521
522
523TNA vs. New Japan at the Tokyo Dome
524It's a tradition New Japan can't give up on -- the annual January 4th Tokyo Dome event.
525
526The reality, of course, is that running the Tokyo Dome nowadays is a sure-fire money loser for any of the traditional pro-wrestling companies in Japan, with the possible exception of a show featuring the return to the ring of Kenta Kobashi (and even in that instance NOAH made the decision not to do it). But it's a New Japan tradition, and no matter what happens they always try. This year they claimed 27,000 fans, which is actually a surprisingly low claim in the fifty-thousand seat building, and drew a legitimate 20,000 or so. It actually was not too bad, though they would have made far more money selling out a 20,000-seat arena.
527
528One of the main themes of the show was New Japan vs. TNA, and a number of TNA wrestlers including Abyss got a chance to work before by far the biggest crowd of their entire lives. I didn't get a chance to see the entire show but I did see the last two matches, an IWGP v.3 Title match between Kurt Angle and Yuji Nagata, and a "real" IWGP Title match between champion Hiroshi Tanahashi and Shinsuke Nakamura. We got reports that the Angle match stole the show, and at least in terms of crowd reactions it was hotter than the main event, but I thought as a match Tanahashi vs. Nakamura was far superior. Jeff Jarrett was there and got to see a real-life serious professional wrestling show, so hopefully he returns to TNA and sees the bullshit they've been putting on Impact and has a revelation.
529
530This show was taped by the TNA folks, and they've got a one-hour TNA Global Impact special prepared for January 17th at 11:00 PM immediately following Impact. So yes, you're going to get THREE HOURS OF TNA that night, and unlike a good PPV two hours of that is the shit called Impact. Last I heard they're only planning on showing the Angle match, but with an hour of TV time that's about 30 minutes without commercials of travelogue stuff around Japan, and personally I'd try to air at least the opener with AJ Styles, which was said to be very good as well. The problem is that this match involves AJ and Christian teaming up, and after AJ turned on him at the PPV I can see TNA saying, no, not airing that one. Regardless of what they air, the special will be a good chance to show fans that, hey, although you only see us here in the tiny Impact Zone every week, we're actually a pretty big company that sends our stars to wrestling events all over the world. Hopefully they promote the hell out of it on TV as well (not holding breath). The Angle/Nagata match is worth seeing and will probably be the best match on any of the TNA programming that particular night.
531
5321. Christian & AJ & Petey Williams beat Milano Collection AT & Minoru & Prince Devitt in 10:25 when Styles pinned Milano with the Styles clash. AJ was over big and Minoru challenged him to a singles match for somewhere down the road. AJ was more than happy to accept. It does suck to be him, though, because he was originally supposed to face Tanahashi for the IWGP Title, but then they put Nakamura in there and AJ was bumped back to the opener.
533
5342. Wataru Inoue beat Chris Daniels to retain the IWGP Jr. Heavyweight title in 10:17 with the staggerin blow. Obviously this one can't air on TV because Daniels has been "fired". Inoue said afterwards that there was one man he wanted to face for the belt, but then didn't say who that man was. CURRY MAN, perhaps?
535
5363. Manabu Nakanishi beat Abyss with a German suplex. Nakanishi has a new suplex made especially for big fat guys, so he used it here. I'm sure you will find this impossible to believe but Abyss actually used the thumbtacks here in the fucking Tokyo Dome. Is nothing sacred? He pulled them out but of course Nakanishi slammed him into them prior to the finish.
537
5384. Masato Tanaka & Tatsuhito Takaiwa & Yutaka Yoshie & Katsushi Takemura beat Takashi Iizuka & Koji Kanemoto & Tiger Mask & Ryusuke Tagushi when Yoshie pinned Taguchi with a diving body press. Leave it to New Japan to do the interpromotional battle and lose. Tanaka and Takaiwa are from ZERO-One Max and Yoshie and Takemura are from DRADITION, which is the new name for the old Muga promotion now that Osamu Nishimura, the founder, has bailed and Tatsumi Fujinami has taken over. This was Yoshie's first New Japan match in two years.
539
5405. Team 3-D beat Togi Makabe & Toru Yano in a tables match when D-Von pinned Makabe after the 3-D. Makabe also took the Bubba Bomb Straight to Hell off the top rope through a table. Match was said to be fun. I can see them airing this one on TV.
541
5426. Fujinami & Riki Choshu & Masa Chono & Jushin Liger & AKIRA beat Jado & Gedo & TARU & Shuji Kondo & Brother YASSHI in 7:18 when Choshu pinned YASSHI with a lariat. I didn't see this but I would presume it was all action since there were eight dudes involved and the match didn't even go eight minutes. This was also Fujinami's first match back in New Japan in two years.
543
5447. Great Muta beat Hirooki Goto to continue the streak of outsiders beating New Japan guys. This was the first "Great Muta" match in New Japan since 2000. Goto got juice and took the mist to the face for good measure. Muta after all these years is still doing the moonsault on his crippled knees.
545
5468. Giant Bernard & Tomko beat Rick & Scott Steiner to retain the IWGP Tag Team Titles when Bernard pinned Rick after his magic killer in 12:50. Jeff Jarrett was at ringside for this match with his guitar. He tried to interfere, but I believe Tomoaki Honma cut him off and ended up eating the guitar for his troubles. Steiner did a top rope frankensteiner in this match.
547
5489. Angle vs. Nagata, apparently only for Angle's IWGP v.3 Title, which he won from Brock Lesnar last year. Angle attacked him at the bell and they were both throwing suplexes within about 30 seconds. It broke down into a mat wrestling match. Angle was created for Japanese pro-wrestling as an Olympic gold medalist technical wrestler. Crowd loved Nagata's hard kicks. It looked like they had a few preplanned highspots that Angle had a hard time remembering. Nothing blatantly obvious, just moments of hesitation here and there that you never see with his matches in America. Angle speared his knee and went to work on it. Borash was there doing the time calls. Angle put on a figure four and Nagata was great selling it. They teased turning it over forever and it ruled. Nagata finally got the ropes, then switched another figure four attempt into an armbar, forcing Angle to get a rope break. Nagata worked over his arm and kicked the shit out of him. Angle hit the rolling Germans and took the straps down. Nagata slipped behind on the Angle slam and hit an exploder for a nearfall. Nagata with the rolling vertical suplexes. Angle tried the ankle lock but got put in the crossface. Angle switched into the ankle lock and Nagata switched back. Crowd was into it. Angle finally turned it into the Olympic slam. Nagata kicked out. He went up top and, with no kneepads, missed his moonsault. Nagata hit a hard knee in the corner and then hit a belly to belly off the top. Back to the crossface. Angle was great teasing that he'd submit. Nagata turned it into rings of Saturn but Angle cradled him. They traded shots on the feet and suplexes. Nagata went for a huge kick but Angle grabbed the leg, did an ankle lock/crab combo, then scissored the leg and Nagata tapped out. Really good match. (***1/2)
549
55010. Hiroshi Tanahashi vs. Shinsuke Nakamura for the IWGP Title. Tanahashi, who has blonde streaks in his mullet and is thus the only man in the world deserving to hold the IWGP Title, is all jakked up and Nakamura looks very WELL. He also had his shoulder taped. Tanahashi slapped him hard early. They basically did amateur wrestling early. Nakamura got the ropes, and after the break Tanahashi stomped him in the head just to be a dick. At one point instead of a lock-up we got a Greco-Roman clinch. They did some great Dragon sleeper reversals that ended with Nakamura putting him in an armbar. I can't get over how awesome Tanahashi's hair is. He clotheslined Nakamura over the top and then did the Ricky Steamboat pullover back into the ring. He grabbed Nakamura's leg as he was coming through the ropes and gave him a Dragon screw, then went to work on the knee. Nakamura made a big comeback with a powerslam and a moonsault. Slams on this ring sounded like a gunshot. He tried a second one but Tanahashi moved and dropkicked his knee again. He started slapping the shit out of him but Nakamura FIGHTING SPIRITED UP and went insane, only to be stopped by rolling Germans suplexes. Nakamura fought back with some very high-angle Germans of his own. He went for a dragon but failed, so Tanahashi slipped behind for a German. Nakamura slipped behind and hit another, then they traded again. Heat was a bit disappointing. Nakamura hit one more for a nearfall. Double down, then Nakamura fired up, flipped him over with a lariat, and hit an underhook piledriver for a nearfall. Nakamura tried another lariat but it was blocked and he sold it like he'd re-injured his bad shoulder. Tanahashi didn't care and went to work on it. Crowd reaction to this asshole behavior was really disappointing. Tanahashi with the middle rope exploder. Nakamura was selling his shoulder for all he was worth. Tanahashi gave him several Dragon screws to the arm, which is an awesome spot. He out on the armbreaker but Nakamura got the ropes. He hit a cross arm German and a wicked frog splash for another nearfall. He went for a second one but Nakamura got the knees up. Nakamura did a flying armbar but couldn't pull on the arm with both hands because his shoulder was screwed up. He tried a triangle, a lame one I might add, then turned it into an armbar. Crowd recognized all of this. Tanahashi broke free with head stomps, but Nakamura went to work and suplexed him all over the place. Tanahashi hit the sling blade for a nearfall (lariat variation), but Nakamura fired up and hit a Dragon suplex. Crowd was getting into it at last. Tanahashi hit a Tiger suplex for a super close nearfall. Nakamura finally hit a landslide off the top and a second one in the ring to get the pin and the title. BOO! WHO THE FUCK BOOKED THAT!? Nowhere near the heat of the Angle match, but a great battle. (***3/4)
551
552Angle cameo out afterwards and had words with Nakamura. He said he was really good, but he (Kurt) was an Olympic gold medalist and at a whole different level from this "green boy". It is believed that sometime in the next few months they'll do the title vs. title bout and Kurt will drop the IWGP v.3 belt to Nakamura. It's interesting when you think about the whole history of that title. Antonio Inoki was supposedly ousted from New Japan and started his own new company where the champion was awarded this IWGP v.3 belt. There was never a lawsuit from the New Japan side asking him to knock it off. Brock Lesnar, the New Japan version of the IWGP Champion, quit and went with Inoki and became his first champion. Angle then talked Brock into dropping the belt for him in exchange for an MMA match between the two which is never going to take place (Angle is an amazing man). So Angle, with the Inoki version of the IWGP belt, did this New Japan show and there was no threat of a lawsuit from the Inoki side, and now it looks like in the end Kurt is going to drop Inoki's belt back into New Japan's hands. In other words, I find it just about impossible to believe that Inoki and New Japan ever really split. I do know that Lesnar split for real, so this may have been one hugely elaborate plan to keep the lineage of this fake IWGP Title alive.
553
554
555In House Notes
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557
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559
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577
578
579WWE
580The Benoit and Toffoloni families have come to a verbal agreement to split Chris Benoit's assets roughly evenly, with Benoit's children getting one share and the Toffoloni's getting the other. This avoids an estate battle that most legal sources indicated was going to go very poorly for Nancy's family. Michael Benoit said this was pretty much what he wanted the entire time and he was just unhappy that they had to spend $600,000 on attorney's fees to get there. The estate is valued at anywhere from $1.5 to $3 million, which some people are surprised by giving how many big money-making years Chris had before he died.
581
582We are told that at this point it looks like testing for marijuana in WWE will take place once per year. The failure is a $1000 fine and does not count as a Wellness Policy strike. So basically, if you're willing to pay $1000 a year you can smoke all the pot you want in WWE.
583
584I was also told, and granted I'm not back there to verify this, that testing is not nearly as stringent as it once was. The feeling is that when it came out that they're not going to be the subject of Congressional hearings and that the chances of hearings taking place anytime in the near future are slim to none, you might want to keep an eye on the size of everyone on TV because things may be changing again pretty soon. Back in the day, physiques changed very rapidly leading towards WrestleMania, the biggest show of the year. It'll also be very interesting to see some of these bodies in HD, because tell-tale physical signs of steroid use such as backne are going to be even more tell-tale.
585
586Raw starts in HD in two weeks, so Royal Rumble won't be the first-ever WWE HD event. I'd have made people pay and started Raw and Smackdown immediately afterwards.
587
588Triple H is about the most least-liked person in the company right now. People were very upset that he didn't make a stand to put over Flair last week in what is very likely (though this is wrestling) Flair's final match in Greensboro, NC. This has been building up for a long time. He's always had heat but it really picked up over the summer when he pretty much squashed Booker T at SummerSlam and Booker left the company for TNA shortly thereafter. Booker, as part of renegotiations, had been allowed to sit in on the booking meetings, hoping I guess to assure that nobody buried him and that he would be taken care of in the feud with Hunter. Well, he wasn't taken care of. The biggest reason he ultimately quit was the 60-day suspension, but after the Hunter thing we're told there was a good chance he was leaving anyway, plus everyone in WWE believes that's why he left. People really liked him, so they were very upset about how that all went down. Hunter also buried Jericho before Jericho even arrived, saying that the company may have had some rough shakes but now they were going to be OK because their savior was coming back. The feeling was that he was especially vindictive because Stephanie was a big proponent of bringing Jericho back. Hunter wasn't even sly about it, he was outright burying him to anyone who would listen, and people said he came off as very petty.
589
590Vince McMahon just purchased a Penthouse in Donald Trump's new Trump Parc in Stamford, CT. The New York Daily News reports that he already owns the most expensive penthouse in the state, valued at $4 million.
591
592Ashley has been back doing house shows and is being moved to the Raw brand. She wasn't allowed to come back even after she was eliminated from Survivor in case she ended up being brought back for any reason.
593
594The WWE show in Chile on February 14th at Arena Santiago is almost sold out. Tickets range from $40 to $300 US. Only tickets left are the $220s. All of this is subject to change, but right now they're billing Edge vs. Batista, Undertaker vs. V, and Punk vs. Shelton for the ECW Title.
595
596There are very brief clips of Chris Benoit in Ice Cube's new video Gangsta Rap Made Me Do It. It's a montage of various atrocities from around the world.
597
598Notes from an Orton interview I believe at IGN. The word backstage is that Orton at this point feels that he's untouchable, and that was patently clear in this interview. They asked about goals and he said he wanted the young guys like himself to take over from the old guys, "Triple H, Shawn Michaels and The Undertaker. It's at the point where their bodies are so broken down, they can't really hang with the younger guys. We have our injuries, we make our mistakes - personal and professional - and we learn from them. What I would like to bring to the industry is the next generation of men and women to represent athleticism, attitude, charisma, and the overall perception of being young talent as opposed to old, balding talent." Well. He said he wanted to help usher in an era of more intense, aggressive, athletic wrestling. Part of it was, I'm sure, in character (though they claimed otherwise), such as his statement that there were only about ten people in this business today who knew what they were doing. "The real trick is to have longevity in this industry. If you can stick it out for five or six years in this business, chances are you know what you're doing." He said his father always told him to save his money and his grandfather told him to watch out for other guys. He said he'd been married two months and only been at home with his wife for seven nights. "My wife is a beautiful and strong woman. She puts up with a lot. She has got the full-time job of being a housewife. I've got the part-time job of busting my body so that we can live in the house we do, she can wear the $40,000 watch she wears and she can drive an Escalade. I'm busting my hump so that it can be possible." Despite making some interesting comments earlier, he still put over Hunter as the best in the business at getting fans to react a certain way. Same with Undertaker. "And it's ironic because I said they were too old for this business. I suppose with their ancient ages comes experience." I presume the Hunter statements are more setting the seed for WrestleMania, plus it's really brilliant because he can bury the guy publicly and then tell him to his face that he's just working an angle. "Fuck the dress code," he said. He pretty much buried TNA without saying their name, noting that the only place where you could make any money in wrestling was WWE. He said being a babyface sucked. "Maybe it's because I'm not good at it, or I'm a dickhead in real life. It's easy for me to go out there and be a prick on the show because it's me times 10. And even though you probably don't like me anyway, give me five minutes, and I'll make you not like me more. Being a heel is fun. It comes so natural." He talked about the time he said that Eddie was in Hell. "I didn't want to do it because I loved Eddie. Rey and I, even though we were fighting each other, were very, very close friends with Eddie. So we called Eddie's wife and asked if it would be OK. It was heavy stuff. It got people to hate me and Eddie knew it would - God rest his soul. Later, Eddie's wife said Eddie would have wanted me to do it, if it was good for business." And why do people watch wrestling? "Everybody wants to see a fight. People want to see you rip a shoulder from its socket, or get cut open, be hit with a chair, twist an ankle or break vertebrae. If somebody threatened to jump off a building right now, there would be a crowd at the bottom to watch him do it. It's human nature -- People want to see fucked up shit. So they watch RAW." Personally if I want to see fucked up shit I watch Impact.
599
600Michael sent us info on an article in a Danish newspaper about the long-term effects of concussions. It said that 10 to 15 percent of the people in Denmark who got a concussion still felt the effects at least one year later. One of the effects they mentioned was depression. They talked to researcher who said it was unknown why this happened (?) and that no cure was currently available. It said people with post-concussion issues are often misdiagnosed and the problems are seen as psychological. I presume that means something that could perhaps be made better with therapy or medication, unlike concussion damage which physically makes changes to the brain which are very hard to treat. It noted that most Danish doctors know very little about concussions or post-concussion syndrome, and it's just now being addressed by the health care system.
601
602More on the Georgia regulation insanity. As you'll recall, WWE is exempt from any regulatory changes (and granted, Georgia wants to make some ridiculous changes, as we've reported on over the past few months) because the Georgia Athletic and Entertainment Commission voted in 2005 to allow any organization with total assets of more than $25 million to be exempt. Well, that's not fair is it? There is a move by commission members, including Cary Ichter (who just happens to be representing Michael Benoit, which has been the subject of controversy) to rescind that exemption, and WWE is claiming they won't promote in the state if such a thing happens. There was a rich quote from Albany Civic Center director John Mazzollla, who is appalled. He said the commission wanted "to regulate WWE wrestling as a sporting event to make sure ‘there is a level playing field.’ But the WWE is not a sporting event, it’s entertainment. The shows are scripted, and the outcomes are determined in advance. If there’s a problem with illegal substances, it should be a law enforcement issue. Don’t punish a company that provides sports entertainment.” Never mind the fact that it is the ATHLETIC AND ENTERTAINMENT COMMISSION, or the fact that all the other indies are doing entertainment events as well and it's currently NOT a level playing field.
603
604PWInsider reported that Maria would be the next Diva to pose in Playboy. I know it had been talked about for awhile. The original plan was all three of Extreme Expose, but that sort of fell through when they axed Brooke and broke up Kelly and Layla.
605
606Notes from the first American Gladiators with Hulk Hogan. This was a two hour debut show on Sunday night. The show seemed fascinatingly bad early, but then it got so bad that it was fun, and in the end it was a quick two hours. I did start to get bored in the second hour, but that's largely my ADD kicking in. Future episodes are one hour long which is a perfect length. A girl named Jessie had her knee blown out almost immediately by STEALTH, who is the same girl that trains at the gymnastics place I coach at. Don't fuck with her. NBC replayed this four times in succession and I was howling with laughter. Not because she got hurt, because that was sad, but because you have NEVER seen such callous exploitation of an injury. Every replay was accompanied by the sound of a car crash. You think the wrestling business is horrible, but consider how they handled, say, the injury of Candace Michelle as compared to this. This was like something literally out of a Roman Coliseum, an injury to celebrate and rejoice over. "Now we're getting serious," Hulk said, "because next up is the guys!" What a sexist. I will not say all because I don't know, but most of these Gladiators were absolutely juiced to the gills. To do Congressional hearings on drugs in wrestling and not include the Gladiators would be ridiculous. They did Joust with Gina Carano, the female MMA fighter of EliteXC fame, and she FAILED, not able to knock her chick off the platform. A Gladiator named Militia, who was beyond jakked to the gills, apparently tore his biceps just hanging from the rings. Sucks to be him. He was replaced by Wolf, who is a cross between Ultimate Warrior and Quinton Jackson. Imagine such a thing. WWE needs to hire him immediately. Wolf killed this fucker. YEAH! WOLF! They had a wrestling game and they didn't put Gina in there. We got SHOOTING here on national TV, and it ruled. I want to know if the contestants have to be drug-tested. From looking at them, my guess is yes. They had a pyramid competition with the girls (a giant foam step pyramid where you had to race to the top and avoid the Gladiators) and Gina stopped her girl from climbing by PULLING GUARD. It was awesome. The final event was the ELIMINATOR, a creation right out of Antonio Pena's greatest nightmares. It was the wackiest obstacle course of all times. Seriously, nothing in creation has ever been anything like this, even the old Eliminator from American Gladiators in the 90s. This little Asian girl Venus (who replaced the girl who blew out her knee) did the comeback of a lifetime and won. The finish requires you to go headfirst through a wall and apparently fall like ten feet onto your head and neck on mats. I have no idea how she's alive. What a victory promo she cut. HIRE THIS WOMAN, WWE, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE. The dudes smoked through the Eliminator. Anthony, a firefighter, won.
607
608So we got the SECOND SHOW. There was a small man named Mollivan who is doomed, and a larger man named Jeff who was supposed to be on the show fifteen years ago but got struck in traffic and lost his shot. Now he's BACK and nutty. The girls were Shanay and Bonnie, a vet. We were introduced to HELLGA, the American Gladiators version of Beth Phoenix without the glamour. She was a former indy wrestling in Southern California. She was also a complete failure as a Gladiator, at least on the first task. There was another Gladiator named Mayhem who is a fool. He stepped on the other guy's platform both times on Joust and thus was DQ'd. The girls were whipping ass. They played ASSAULT, where they shoot at you. Jeff got shot in the ass. Little Mollivan went next He failed via stupidity, according to the announcer. The chicks on the rings were incredible and blew my mind. This competition should have ended with the girls wrestling the boys because the girls would have WHIPPED THEIR ASSES. The dudes got their asses HANDED TO THEM on the Pyramid by Wolf and TITAN, who is Chris Masters with less charisma but ten times the wrestling ability. So it was time for ELIMINATOR. Molli killed Jeff and goes to the finals. His small frame served him well this time around. Jeff cut a heart wrenching promo afterwards about his failure that was fifteen years in the making. As the girls were doing the Eliminator Bonnie bonked her head on metal while swimming under fire (seriously) and got HARDWAY JUICE. OH SHIT! Shanay ended up winning and going to the finals. "THUNDER AND LIGHTNIN' IN A WIDE-OPEN FIELD!" screamed the Hulkster. AMEN~! So the new American Gladiators episode one ended and I can conclude by saying THIS SHOW RULES~!.
609
610Gladiators night two report. It's now been three shows and Hogan is fucking awful, but he's comically awful. It's amazing that this guy was such a gigantic draw because he was a black hole of charisma here. First contestant was Jeff, who has only held hands with one girl in his whole life and then married her. I just noticed that Justice is JUSTICE SMITH, formerly of WWE Tough Enough fame. I'd totally forgotten that and it hit me like a ton of bricks. He is quite the horrible Gladiator. His opponent was a man named ADONIS. This man must win. There was CONTROVERSY during his run as Justice CHEATED, which is quite the irony. The first girl was Christy, a martial arts chick. I can't wait till she has to go through Gina. Hogan said she was "the current World Female Grappling Champion". Now I REALLY hope she squares off with Gina. The grappling champion got HUMBLED in the first challenge, but she astutely noted that THIS WASN'T GRAPPLING. The other girl was named Siene, Siene SILVA. YEAH. She's a gymnastics coach and a powerlifter. Well is she single? She fuckin WANDERLEI'D UP~! and whipped ass. Later, Earl Hebner determined that Justice had, in fact, CHEATED, therefore Adonis got his whole ten points from the first competition. "Yeah!" said Adonis. "WHOO!" Jeff won the wall competition and Adonis took "the downtown train to waterville." This announcer fucking rules, I don't care what anyone says. It was time for JOUST with the girls and GINA CARANO. So yes, we got Gina vs. Christy, the World Female Grappling Champion. Gina FUCKED HER UP in fifteen seconds, then danced. THIS SHOW RULES. And then we got GINA VS. SIENE, which was, no joke, THE MOST BRUTAL BEATING I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE. Gina Carano beat this girl so brutally, just pummeling her about the head and neck and skull with the giant joust sticks, and then with a massive swing KILLED HER WITH DEATH, sending her tumbling ass over teakettle off the platform and into the Sea. BEST SHOW EVER. Siene climbed out of the drink and Hogan said he'd wrestled for 30 years and she took more of a beating in 30 seconds than he had in his entire career. The dudes wrestled on the platform, which was fine. Nothing was topping Gina though. The girls did the rings, where they try to swing around from one platform to another while a Gladiator tries to rip them off and send them plunging into the drink. Once again, these girls on the rings scare the shit out of me. What beasts. Siene, the gymnast (even though girls don't do rings), whipped ass here. The dudes did the rings too, and had to face WOLF. Finally, it was time for the dudes to do the ELIMINATOR. They had almost a photo finish thanks to both guys getting stuck on this wacky treadmill deal. It was such an epic fail on both their parts. We almost needed another hour to allow them to get up it. ADONIS WON AND GOES TO THE FINALS. Siene won for the girls in the fucking humbling of a lifetime, finishing as Christy was still on the pyramid, half way through.
611
612Show has done very well in the ratings. The first night did a 5.9 rating in adults 18-49, the best debut for a new series on any network all season, and only fell 18 percent on Monday night to a 4.8. The good news is that the first night the show peaked at a 6.1 rating, meaning people gained interest throughout the show, and last night it went for a 4.3 in the first half hour to a 5.3 in the second half hour.
613
614Joey Styles wrote a story on the ECW website named Stevie Richards his Most Extreme Player of 2007. Stevie broke his neck in 1997 during a match with Sandman and Terry Funk and was paralyzed for 20 minutes. He had no insurance, though, and continued to wrestle afterwards until he was forced to get surgery due to the pain. One of his vocal cords was paralyzed during the procedure, and in 1998 he had a thyroplasty implanted in his throat to allow him to speak above his new raspy whisper. "Fast-forward nine years to April 2007. Still hoping to regain his original voice, Stevie had an injection into his throat. Having hemorrhaged his surgically repaired vocal cords in the ring months earlier, the treatment was unsuccessful and surgery was necessary again as Stevie had difficulty breathing while working out, let alone wrestling. Stevie’s difficulties breathing worsened weekly until finally in October, Stevie endured the first of five surgeries that would continue through the remainder of 2007. The purpose of these surgeries was to open up Stevie’s airway, which had slowly and steadily been closing since April, and then to attempt to restore Stevie’s voice to the way it had sounded prior to the initial injury in 1997. Fortunately for Stevie, these delicate procedures were performed by Dr. Steven Zeitels of Massachusetts General Hospital and Harvard Medical Center. Stevie is still recovering from his last surgery and his voice almost sounds as it did when I first met him in 1994." He said Stevie would return in 2008 with little fanfare, but that his close friends knew what he'd endured to become a WWE superstar. "Win or lose, every match is a personal victory for Stevie Richards".
615
616All Pro Wrestling announced that former APW Champion KAFU had signed a developmental deal with WWE.
617
618So after all the brouhaha regarding Dr. Phil Astin and his random trips to the store and the Waffle House and such when he was supposed to be under house arrest, Judge Linda T. Walker ruled this week that he could go back to work at a local towing company. "To not allow him to work is almost punitive for the children," she said. Astin owes tons of child support and is broke. There are, of course, a number of restrictions, such as how he cannot travel more than 30 miles away from the towing shop, cannot leave the state and must return home by 5:30 PM. Astin's lawyer said his trips to the Waffle House were him "killing time" after dropping his son off at Sunday school and waiting for a later church session. "Easting at the Waffle House in Carrollton is not the same as trying to flee jurisdiction or the court's order," she said. The prosecution had argued otherwise: "The court gave him an order to do something. Did he do it or did he not do it? He violated it." I should also note that he was seen shopping at a place called Piggly Wiggly, which I can verify is an actual establishment because there used to be one by my house. The last one around here closed down in about 1980.
619
620Raw did a 2.6 on New Year's Eve. A lot of people noted that even though Shawn Michaels put Mr. Kennedy over clean, he did happen to do it on one of the least-watched shows of all of 2007, and it wasn't like they showed a ton of replays on Raw this week to hammer the fact into our heads (and in fact, I don't remember a single one but I assume they had to replay it at least once when I wasn't paying attention).
621
622ECW the next night did a 1.2, which is bad but it was the highest-rated show of the day on the network. That was the day they did the all Twilight Zone Marathon, and the only show that wasn't a Twilight Zone episode was ECW. This caused GREAT CONSTERNATION among the Sci-Fi geeks. What a wonderful world we live in.
623
624Maryse is also the January model for Playboy's Hottest Nudes 2008. Insider sources reveal that she looked pretty good.
625
626They've been doing Royal Rumble qualifying matches on the road all week. Guess it allows fans who buy tickets to see something special. Unfortunately, WWE doesn't bother announcing who qualified on what show in what city on Raw and Smackdown.
627
628Survivor Series is coming in at around 340,000 buys this year, which is a huge disappointment given the numbers from 2005 and 2006. I think it was because everyone was busy following the DETHTOUR~! that night.
629
630
631TNA
632Terry Taylor announced to the talent that they were going to start baseline testing for steroids, painkillers, street drugs, pot, etc. at the end of this month. Is there a baseline for cocaine? This was actually very similar to the original WWE meeting where the guys were told that drug testing was going to start, but weren't told what that would entail, what the penalties would be, etc. They'd been talking about this for some time. It's actually funny in that behind-the-times TNA sort of way, in that when the heat was really on by Congress they didn't seem to give a flying fuck at all, and now that the heat has died down and WWE feels all of the danger has passed TNA has decided it would be a great time to do drug testing. I'm not saying I don't think they should drug test, only that their timing is fascinating, and with my expectation that WWE bodies are about to dramatically start changing I don't have high hopes for this program. You also have to remember that WCW (ah, the parallels) had drug testing for years, but it was a complete joke in that guys would take tests while on all sorts of different drugs and never hear another thing about it.
633
634Sting has re-signed a limited contract for 2008. He won't be a regular but will appear for brief periods of time, shoot angles for TV leading up to PPV matches, and then disappear again. It's interesting that WWE has a Sting DVD coming out at the end of next year.
635
636Samoa Joe had advice for aspiring wrestlers on his blog. He told wrestlers starting out to assume nothing. "I don't care how many behind the scenes documentaries you've watched, how many subscriptions you have to newsletters, or how many shoot interviews you have watched, you know nothing about actually wrestling." He said they should do 40 minutes of cardio four times per week (jogging, not walking), and Hindu squats. He said start with a low number and work your way up. "Inoki would often regale us in the dojo that he would do 2000 a day and I would think to myself, 'Damn that seems a bit excessive', but then again he owns his own island and I rent a condo on the Beach -- Advantage Inoki. He said to find a reputable trainer with real-world money making experience, and that you got what you paid for. "YOU ARE NEVER DONE TRAINING", he said, and he said if you think you know it all then you most likely suck (that's undoubtedly true). He recommended Booker's school, Les Thatcher's, Lance Storm's and Team 3-D's. He advised listening and asking questions only when you were unsure about something. He said when you were in line waiting to do drills, just shut up and wait, don't talk to the geek next to you. "A smart man learns from his mistakes but a wise man learns from the mistakes of others too. As a former trainer there is NOTHING worse and more time consuming then correcting the same mistake for 15 different people during class. If they would have seen me correct me the 1st guy in line and made the proper adjustments so much more time could have been dedicated to learning MORE in a session rather than committing time to 1 mistake over and over again. When you don't pay attention you are just hurting yourself. Conversely if attempting something you feel is potentially dangerous, don't be afraid to pause and ask a question." For current wrestlers, he said if you want to advance in your career you had to find opportunities, not wait for them to find you. "With any success comes greater sacrifice. You have to honestly ask yourself what you are willing to trade for success in wrestling." He said you did not need an agent on the indies. He said to avoid anyone who was doing to try to take part of your booking fee and tell you where you can and cannot wrestle. He said sending unsolicited wrestling tapes usually did not work. "If a Terry Taylor, Johnny Ace, Gabe Sapolski does ask you for a tape, then I recommend this format. A short out of character intro give your name, true height and weight, work name, your current city and state of residence (your locale is more important than you realize). After your intro include your two best matches. When picking these matches take into account crowd interaction and reaction. A tape of you wrestling in font of a hot crowd will do you worlds better than a match you felt you hit a move perfect in. Wrestling scouts have SEEN IT ALL and nothing you will do technically is going to impress them. They are looking for someone who they feel the fans will take to and will hopefully sell tix/PPV's. Once again you will come to the realization that the Wrestling Business becomes less about wrestling and more about business the more you advance in your career. Please include two of your best promos also. If the promos coincide with the matches you have sent then that is a bonus. In bookers minds the link between matches and the promos is an important one. Showing the ability to have one lend to the other makes you a more attractive acquisition. Now at the end of your tape if you feel the need to add a few clips you feel are impressive then please do so. NO MUSIC VIDEOS!!!!! And keep the clips to a minimum." Great advice.
637
638Low-Ki should be finishing up soon. I thought he was done but then he did a dark match on Monday's tapings. He made his surprise return to PWG in California on Friday night and beat Bryan Danielson to win the PWG Title in a 20-minute MMA style match that was said to be very good.
639
640Moody Jack, who does the Spanish language commentary for TNA, announced this week that he's left WWC in Puerto Rico. He said he was sorry that things ended the way they did, but he felt it was better to step aside in this particular situation. Didn't really say what the issue was, only that there were certain things that needed to be changed in the company and despite attempting to convince people of this their minds were made up. WWC, which is run by Carlito's legendary father Carlos Colon, has been on and off of life support for much of the last several years.
641
642TNA did another 1.1 this week with an 0.70 in males 18-49, an 0.61 in persons 18-49, and an 0.61 in males 18-34. They were down 100,000 viewers, though, to 1.4 million. GO HOME SHOW~!.
643
644The guy who played Coach Butterbean on TNA this week was former Memphis manager and legit preacher Brother Ernest Angel.
645
646The Vince Russo/Ed Ferrara Big Vision Entertainment shoot DVD is being released in the UK. We were sent some classic Russo quotes from the disc: “I was sitting in with the creative team, and I remember it like it was yesterday. They would come up with these ideas that were in the bubble, and I would remember sitting there and saying, ‘Do you guys not know that that idea is horrible as you’re writing it down on paper?’” YEAH! “Part of the problem was, whether they realised that the business was changing or not, they weren’t equipped to change with it.” WHOO~! “The people in charge at the time had been entrenched in the wrestling business for 10, 15, 20 years. This is what they did, this is what they know. It’s called The Wrestling Bubble Principle. They LIVE in the wrestling bubble. In the wrestling bubble, things are a certain way.” MONEY~! “To me it was so obvious that the WWF was so far behind the curve of what was happening in society and other forms of entertainment. And the thing is, it wasn’t rocket science – all we needed to do was mirror society; we needed to take our product and bring it up to speed, and the key word there was REALITY.” BABY~! “Every wrestling fan KNOWS what’s supposed to happen. They know what the promo’s supposed to be, they know who’s supposed to go over, they KNOW. And after you’ve been watching it for so long, you KNOW what’s going to happen. Well, we took that formula and threw it out the window, and every single thing we did, we went the other way.” Beautiful.
647
648The shitty Christmas Impact did a 1.07 rating last week with an 0.79 in males 18-49, an 0.57 in persons 18-49, an 0.69 in males 18-34, and 1.5 million viewers. Quarters were 1.0, 0.94, 0.97, 1.0, 1.1, 1.1, 1.1, and 1.0.
649
650
651UFC
652UFC 79 did a $4,994,500 live gate with an attendance of 11,075, according to the Nevada State Athletic Commission. That would make this the second-biggest UFC gate of all time. The closed-circuit at Mandalay Bay did 1,311 tickets for a $65,550 gate.
653
654UFC and WWE came to an agreement that has resulted in the UFC 81 commercial featuring tons of footage of Brock Lesnar. They're totally playing it up as a former UFC Heavyweight Champion versus a former WWE Heavyweight Champion in a real fight. It's actually very well done and I think the All Access and Countdown specials are going to be awesome. Again, it's too bad that UFC has a limited base of promotion (pretty much Spike TV), because this match has the potential to be enormous. I would be flabbergasted if UFC didn't start buying commercial time on Raw and Smackdown in the two weeks leading up to this event. If they got this commercial playing three or four times during the course of each show, I think you're looking at a pretty damn healthy buyrate. It should be no problem airing the commercial during TNA since both are under the Spike TV umbrella, though the total audience of TNA is much lower than that of Raw and Smackdown.
655
656Chuck Liddell said that his two knockdowns in round two of the Silva fight were basically slips. He did say the second one was a slip following a punch as he was standing in a weird position. He also noted that he's been working a lot with motivational speaker Tony Robbins, who I believe was also with him at the UFC show. He said his goal in 2008 was to win the title back (Liddell, not Robbins), and if Silva wanted a fight after that he was all down for it.
657
658Liddell and Silva both got PPV cuts, and I would suspect Georges St. Pierre and Matt Hughes did as well. St. Pierre also got $50,000 for submission of the night, Eddie Sanchez got knockout of the night, and Liddell and Silva got Fight of the Night. For those arguing sports vs. entertainment in UFC, if a $50,000 bonus for each fighter for having the most entertaining fight of the night doesn't tell you what UFC is all about, I don't know what does. Base payoffs for the main guys were $500,000 for Chuck, $160,000 for St. Pierre, $150,000 for Silva, $100,000 for Hughes, $60,000 for Lyoto, $46,000 for Sanchez, $40,000 for Sokoudjou, $28,000 for Clementi, $10,000 for Melvin, $5,000 for Soa, $20,000 for Manny, and $6,000 for poor Nate Mohr. Mohr actually tore the PCL in his knee during the fight with the Manvel. He said it was a fluke deal unrelated to Manny putting him in an ankle lock. Well, that explains who an ankle lock apparently blew out a man's knee.
659
660Silva told Kevin Iole that what hurt most about his loss was his heart. "I'm happy everyone was happy and I helped give them a good show. I wish there was a way (to have won)." He said Liddell won and he wasn't going to argue the decision. He said Liddell had a long reach and he was surprised by how hard he hit. "He's good, very, very good. People should realize how good, how strong Chuck is. I knew he was good, but he's better than I thought. He's big. These guys in the UFC, they're all so big." With that said, when asked about dropping to 185 (which was what I thought also after seeing how small he was in the cage), he said no way, that was too much weight for him to cut. I hate the idea of massive weight cutting, but I also understand the reality of competition today, and Silva these days looks like he walks around at right about 205. At least in PRIDE when he was facing all those heavyweights he was all jakked up and looked like he walked around at about 225.
661
662Lyoto has been offered a fight with Tito Ortiz. Ortiz now has to accept. Knowing how Tito is as a businessman, I cannot fathom him accepting. It's not much of a money fight, plus he's risking a loss against a very tough guy to beat in a non-money fight. The problem is it's his last fight on his current deal, so until he re-signs they really can't risk putting him in with a money player that he might beat.
663
664The reason UFC isn't stripping Randy Couture of the UFC Title is because there is a clause in the contracts that states that a champion must either continue to defend or announce his retirement.
665
666Notes from a Q&A with Lorenzo Fertitta, co-owner of UFC, and Kevin Iole. He revealed that they were very happy with how the UFC show in Newark did, noting that it was headlined by two guys that weren't exactly main eventers and had never fought for titles (Michael Bisping and Rashad Evans) and that they had sold out the Arena (which due to the close proximity to New York City was probably going to happen regardless) and "did a very strong, above average pay-per-view". That's actually tremendous news because that means the base audience of people who are going to buy UFC shows because they buy UFC shows no matter who is fighting is getting larger (as opposed to, say, TNA, which is seeing its base purchasing audience shrink). He said 2008 was going to be a breakthrough year in terms of big money sponsors. He said deals took a long time to negotiate and he was confident that they were going to make a big announcement in a month or two. He noted they added Harley Davidson for the December show, which is a big deal. "Sponsorships and advertising, we saw the same thing with The Ultimate Fighter. We had two or three seasons of unbelievable success before advertisers came on board. They're kind of behind a year or two maybe of what reality is. Once we announce some of these blue chip guys, I think everybody else is going to follow. Once you land that one blue chip, it gives you credibility and then everyone else is going to want in. Everybody is looking. Everybody knows we're here. Once we take that first step, everyone is going to pile on." He said he wasn't concerned with Tito Ortiz's rantings and ravings about how the fighters needed to form a union and such. He said this was Tito and he was used to that sort of stuff by now. He said almost everyone in UFC was very happy and they were doing the best they could to promote them, and that people needed to realize that they spent millions and millions of dollars promoting the fighters and the brand. "We're investing back into the sport. What that does is make everything more valuable for the fighters going forward. They should be happy that we invest back into the sport, because it continues to grow and they can make more money. This isn't a short-term thing." He said UFC had a completely different business model than boxing. He noted that UFC was the promoter of the event and didn't have an outside promoter helping out or someone else paying for all the advertising or an HBO to pitch in huge amounts of money. "They get guarantees from the venue and from the networks, so they take no risk. We underwrite the entire thing." He said they made no money on any of their European shows and in fact took major losses, but looking forward five years he realized that Europe was going to be bigger than the US. "A lot of those fighters are going to benefit from the way we've cultivated the European market. The boxing way is to take a short-term approach, but we're focused on the long term, both for the brand and for the sport." I'm glad this man who is ranked one of the top 400 richest people in the US and is a certified billionaire sees the future in this fashion, because I think as far as online is concerned approximately forty percent of our subscribers are currently from Europe, mostly the UK and Ireland. He noted that MMA wasn't growing, the UFC brand was, pointing out that most non-UFC events drew in the 25,000 to 30,000 range. Actually many are doing much less than that. "There are always going to be others in the business and I respect what they're doing. I understand that. It's our job to stay ahead and continue to be the leader. At the end of the day, a lot of people are going to try to take shots at us. But what I like to say is, 'You can only tackle the guy with the ball,' and we have the ball." He said because of the legal situation he didn't want to talk at all about Randy Couture right now. He put over Dana huge: "Bottom line, and I've said this before, but I don't think anybody could have accomplished what Dana has. It took somebody like Dana who's got street smarts, who doesn't pull punches, who speaks his mind, who never bullshits, to do this. At the end of the day, if we had taken a Harvard MBA and hired him in 2001 to run this company, we'd probably be bankrupt right now. There are so many things that are unconventional about this business. This isn't something you can read about and learn in a textbook. This is a business where, day-to-day, you have to be on the ground and you have to be on top of your game. Dana is that guy. I truly believe that Dana was put on the Earth to run the UFC." He added: "Dana does what he wants to do. He's proven that he has great instincts and most of the decisions he's made have been for the best. Nobody is perfect, but I think Dana White has done a fabulous job building this company into far and away the industry leader and I'm not going to start telling him now how to do his job. He's proven he can do his job without me holding his hand".
667
668Matt Serra got an injection in his back and is feeling better. He says he's not pain free but his back is still very tight. He can pretty much do most of the everyday stuff he was doing before, but has to very slowly ease back into training. He's still huge, over 200 pounds, but says he'll be ready to fight Georges St. Pierre in Montreal this April to unify the two Welterweight Titles. He still wants Matt Hughes as well, which I think is a fight that they have to make no matter what before Hughes calls it a career. Hughes wrote on his website that he was waiting to see what happened in that fight, and if St. Pierre won (which he expects) he would be willing to do the fight with Serra.
669
670Ricco Rodriguez put his UFC 39 heavyweight championship belt, which he won from Randy Couture, up on eBay recently. It got, count em, zero bids, so he pulled it down the day the auction was supposed to close. Sucks to be him.
671
672BJ Penn told the UK Sun: "When I fist heard that Sherk got in trouble, honestly my first reaction was, 'isn't it obvious that he's on something?' Anybody who does steroids to smash my face in, when I'm playing by the rules, I've got a serious problem with that guy. Grow some balls, fight BJ Penn without steroids. That would be cool." He added, "Instead of sticking a needle in my arm, I'm going to go on the mat and do a hundred more arm locks and a hundred more chokes and get my technique to the top level. We all know it's cheating. I don't do it, so I can sit there and say it – it's cheating." It's too bad UFC would never let him cut these promos on TV leading up to the fight.
673
674Brock is on the cover of Muscle and Fitness this month and the gorgeous Rachelle Leah is on the cover of FLEX.
675
676Dana White said that his goal for 2008 and 2009 was to run in New York and Mexico.
677
678
679Other MMA
680EliteXC officially announced KIMBO SLICE VS. TANK ABBOTT for their first major event of the year, on February 16th at the BankUnited Arena at the University of Miami. This fight was supposed to take place on October 12th in Atlantic City, NJ for the Cage Fury Fighting Championships, but it fell through when promoter Felix Martinez said a major back had pulled out and he was forced to cancel. They'd also previously lost their deal with InDemand, which would have crippled their PPV efforts. EliteXC tried to put it together for their last show but were unable to get it done in time, so Kimbo had his debut against Bo Cantrell, who was sick and didn't want to be there and tapped out almost immediately after being hit in the face. It was a spectacular debut for Kimbo, all you could ever want, and this looks to be a battle of two big stand-up brawlers. I will hereby predict right now that Kimbo Slice wins via submission. Yes. Antonio Silva, who UFC was courting before he re-signed with EXC, will be fighting on the show, as will James Thompson, who beat Don Frye in Japan last year in a fight that illustrated exactly what a "late stoppage" really means. Gina Carano faces an as-yet-unnamed opponent, and Scott Smith, he of the fluke lucky last-minute punch in his UFC fight with Pete Sell, faces Kyle Noke, the former MMA trainer for the late Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin.
681
682The next ShowXC event (EliteXC's OVW) takes place on January 25th at the Trump Taj Mahal in Atlantic City, NJ. Can you believe that ticket prices for this show are $200, $150, $100, $60 and $40? Well, you'd never believe it if you've ever seen a ShowXC event. Let me help you out. Main event is Yves Edwards vs. Kyle Bradley and Paul Daley vs. TBA. Yeah. Two hundred dollars ringside. Rest of the card has Bobby McMaster vs. Bao Quach, Kala Kolohe Hose (wasn't Rock going to play him in a movie?) (that was a joke) (welcome to Impact) vs. Bellaton Frederic, and Julie Kedzie trying to make it four in a row in a fight with Tanya Evinger.
683
684The CSAC made it official that the February 5th commission meeting would be broadcast live via Internet stream. Also at that meeting, Dennis Hallman, Alexander Crispim and Jason Winther will all be appealing violations for anabolic agents. Ruben Villareal tried to appeal but sent it in after the 30-day window had expired, so he's out of luck and his year suspension and $2,500 fine stands.
685
686Shannon Knapp has been promoted to Director of Fighter Relations for IFL. She has filled a variety of roles with the company since its inception.
687
688Inmates got busted in the Adult Correction Institution in Rhode Island this week for arranging make-shift MMA events. Seems since this is a low-security prison they only had one guard on duty, and he was easily distracted. The guys had cut a UFC belt out of a magazine to award to the winner. Investigators began to suspect something was up because dudes were all busted open and shit. The inmates responded by saying that they were getting together to play chess. I am not making any part of this story up. The issue, besides the fighting, was that some inmates were gambling on the fights and using them as forms of intimidation. It got busted up once with a bunch of guys being sent to medium and maximum security prisons, and then amazingly the fights continued and they had to ship off more dudes. The champion was a fellow named Christopher Suarez, 22, of Woonsocket, who was serving a sixteen month sentence for felony assault. Maybe once he's out he can get legit training and Dana White or EXC can hire him for an event.
689
690Mark Cuban's HDNet officially postponed their planned February 15th show in Dallas, saying they needed time to regroup and were also trying to sign a deal with a mysterious fighter. "Let's just say this match-up is worth waiting for," Cuban teased. This is so pro-wrestling. CEO Andrew Simon said their goal was to do 25 live fights in the next 52 weeks, which is quite the undertaking. Cuban owns the American Airlines Arena, so canceling wasn't that big a deal.
691
692If the Yoshihiro Akiyama vs. Kazuo Misaki finish last week wasn't poetic enough, closer inspection of the videotape shows that Akiyama was on all fours when Misaki delivered the Muay Thai Kick of Death to his head for the KO win. In other words, just like Akiyama fucked Kazushi Sakuraba by greasing his legs, in a match where Misaki was fighting for Sakuraba's honor Akiyama got fucked. It is times like these when I am certain that there is a God, and he's an MMA fan.
693
694
695Other Wrestling
696Lex Luger is still in a spinal rehab center in Georgia, attempting to re-learn his motor skills. He suffered a spinal stroke at the Cow Palace debacle late last year and was a quadriplegic for awhile.
697
698Brooke Hogan has reportedly auditioned for Dancing with the Stars. Apparently the producers also want Chyna. My God.
699
700A new show called NWA Wrestling Showcase starts on January 16th on the Dish Network. It's an hour-long program that will feature all of the current champions of the NWA. There is actually a list of them in the press release for those wondering: NWA World Heavyweight Champion “Scrap Iron” Adam Pearce, NWA World Tag Team Champions “The Real American Heroes” Joey Ryan and Karl “Machine Gun” Anderson, NWA Junior Heavyweight Champion Mike Quackenbush, NWA Ladies World Champion The Amazing Kong, NWA North American Champion Mike DiBiase and NWA National Champion Pepper Parks. They will be doing monthly tapings in Las Vegas at the Plaza Hotel and Casino. They are working with "legendary" Las Vegas Stage Producer John Stewart. They claim they'll also be using Nicho, Blue Demon Jr., Rob Conway, "Special E Dinsmore", Puma, Rocky Romero, Los Luchas, and, yes, "Cassandro the Exotic", presumably of AAA. The shows will also air on the NWA website.
701
702Doug Williams announced Sunday that Pro Wrestling NOAH would be holding their first event outside Japan on June 21st at the Coventry Skydome Arena. They've announced Kenta, Naomichi Marufuji, Kotaro Suzuki, Kenta Kobashi, Mitsuhara Misawa, Bryan Danielson, Briscoes, Williams and Nigel McGuinness as appearing on the three-hour show. Prices (in pounds), are 50, 25, 20 and 12.50, and you can get more info at prowrestlingnoah.co.uk. I am guessing that this is a test run to see how well NOAH would do with occasional (meaning once or twice a year) tours outside Japan. They were very happy with how things went in association with ROH in the US, so my guess would be that if this show does well they'll co-promote something in American either in 2008 or 2009 with ROH. I think done sparingly it could be a huge indy event every year, and I know I'd try to make the trek out for one. There has been talk of getting the Japanese guys US work visas, and the fact that ROH ran in Japan suggests there may be a plan to have Japan return the favor.
703
704Mickey Rourke is training with Afa the Wild Samoan to prepare for his role in the upcoming film The Wrestler.
705
706Jonny Fairplay is coming back for the next season of Survivor in Micronesia. How could he not be voted off like the first week? This actually intrigues me.
707
708
709CMLL
710CMLL ran on January 4th at Arena Mexico before a kid-dominated 10,500. January 6th is an unofficial holiday in Mexico, the Day of the Holy Kings (Dia de los Santos Reyes). It celebrates the Three Wise Men who brought gifts to Baby Jesus as a child. Kids sometimes get more gifts on this day than on Christmas Day, left during the evening supposedly by the Wise Men. They get toys and a pastry, and if you bite into it and find a mini-doll of Jesus you have to host a party on February 2nd (Day of Candelaria, which is when the holiday season in Mexico comes to an end). Also, December 28 is Los Santos Inocentes, Day of the Holy Innocents, which celebrates (?) King Herod's attempt to kill Jesus by ordering all male infants in his kingdom under two years old killed. It's similar to April Fool's Day in the US, which is why you get all the wacky lucha stories in the magazines like Mistico signing with WWE. Anyway, on the show Shocker & Rey Bucanero & Sagrado beat Atlantis & Averno & Olimpico in the semi-main, then Dr. Wagner Jr. beat Ultimo Guerrero in the singles match main event. Guerrero took the first and Wagner took the second, then Wagner gave him a blind foul in the third and small packaged him for the victory. The idea was to keep the feud going through their "season opener" on January 18th at Arena Mexico.
711
712Lady Apache is out six months after surgery to repair an injured right knee. India Sioux is out at least six months as well. She's pregnant.
713
714CMLL on January 1st at Arena Mexico before 3,500 was headlined by Shocker & Sagrado & Negro Casas beating Lizmark & Black Warrior & Mascara Ano 2000. Talk about nothing happening.
715
716There is a new documentary on lucha opening up in Mexico next month called Mexico Enmascarado. There is a trailer up on Youtube.
717
718CMLL will be starting a tournament on January 11th, continuing on January 18th, to determine new number one contenders for the Tag Titles. The match takes place on January 25th, the first date of the 2008 MAJOR LEAGUE SEASON~!.
719
720CMLL returned to Arena Coliseo for the first time in over a month on January 6th. It had been shut down for remodeling and the like. They still only drew 1,500 in the 5,500-seat building for Los Perros Del Mal beat Rey Bucanero & Volador Jr. & Sagrado in basically a nothing match.
721
722Mistico returns to action on Wednesday night (day after we go to press) at Arena Coliseo de Acapulco, teaming with Sombra and Valiente to take on Sangre Azteca & Everno & Efesto. Starts back at Arena Coliseo and Mexico next week.
723
724
725ROH
726Daniel Puder will be working the January 11th Boston and January 12th Edison, NJ ROH shows. Working as in having wrestling matches. No opponents announced yet, but I'm sure they will be small jobbers that he can destroyed. He showed up at the year-end shows in a pinstripe jacket with a white t-shirt underneath, the bleached hair and his hot girlfriend, so he had no problem getting instant heat. There were loud "YOU CAN'T WRESTLE" chants. I hope he does the shooter gimmick, because I picture ROH being able to do it right and the fans being the kind that will understand what's going on.
727
728Nigel McGuinness vs. Chris Hero in a steel cage match has been added to the January 25th show in Dayton, OH.
729
730Line-up for January 11 in Boston. There is an Ultimate Endurance Match with ROH Tag Team Champions Tyler Black & Jimmy Jacobs vs. Briscoes vs. Jack Evans & Jigsaw vs. Brent Albright & BJ Whitmer. First fall is a scramble match, second fall with three teams is no DQ, and the final match is a straight match for the tag titles. Kind of weird to be following basically a hardcore match with a wrestling match. Also, Bryan Danielson vs. Chris Hero, Erick Stevens vs. Austin Aries for the FIP Title, Kevin Steen vs. Necro Butcher, Roderick Strong vs. El Generico, and Ruckus vs. Julius Smokes. They've also got Delirious vs. Sal Rinaruo in a BONUS MATCH, and Daizee Haze vs. Alexa Thatcher in a Shimmer match.
731
732Gabe Sapolsky's car was hit by a truck last week and totaled. His head smashed into the car door and he needed 18 stitched, but otherwise was OK and back working pretty much the next day.
733
734Human Tornado returns to ROH on February 22nd in Long Island and February 23rd in New York for the Sixth Anniversary Show.
735
736It is believed that Bryan Danielson didn't actually suffer a concussion last week and was just dizzy during his match due to loss of blood.
737
738
739Bryan's Friend Vince's DVD Review and Karaoke Showcase
740
741Rey Mysterio: The Biggest Little Man
742Rey had this to say about his Road Wild match with Psicosis: “Man! That was a tough one!”.
743
744Rey Mysterio vs. Blitzkrieg. From Nitro, 2/9/99. Jack Evans just sat up. Tenay talked about Blitzkrieg making a big step up from the California indies to this, his Monday Nitro debut. Well, it was. They did some PHAT ASS LUCHA. Blitzy dumped Rey from the ring with a flipping dropkick, then hit an Asai Whisper In The Wind. I do not recommend ever doing this, because it leads to your ass splatting on to the floor. Seconds later, Blitzy went for a diving Frankensteiner, but Rey caught him in a powerbomb. I will now remind you and Blitzkrieg retired very, very young. They took turns doing a million flippy-dos, and the crowd got more and more into each successive one. Blitzy took Rey to the corner and chopped the piss out of him. Rey missed a shoulder charge and hit the post. Konnan was at ringside to make sure Rey was alive. Blitzkrieg went for a dive from the top rope to the floor, but Rey met him with a dropkick. That had to suck for everyone. Rey hit a top rope superplex for two, then went to a sitting sleeperhold. Rey clotheslined Blitzkrieg onto his head. There’s a move he doesn’t get to do very often. He promptly went to a headscissors. Announcers were plugging Rey’s match against Kevin Nash with the mask on the line. In an unrelated note, this is the last WCW match on this DVD. Blitzkrieg took over for seriously one move, then Rey made a big comeback, culminating in a bronco buster. I forgot he used to do that. It made sense when he was with the Filthy Animals. Rey finally won with a springboard top rope Frankensteiner and Konnan danced to his music. A fun little TV match, nothing more.
745
746Rey was now on the beach in San Diego. He said that WCW always had the best cruiserweight division, but his friends and competitors were “moving up,” and so he had to go on to WWE. That’s it, no mention of WCW dying, the months he sat at home collecting a check, going back to Mexico, nothing.
747
748Rey Mysterio vs. Chavo Guerrero. Rey’s WWE debut, from Smackdown, 7/25/02. Hey, look! Rey’s put on 20 pounds of muscle! Because the point of this match was to highlight Rey and nobody involved is stupid, Rey ran wild early with a bunch of cool offense before Chavo cut him off with a flipping German suplex. I know I’ve mentioned this a million times, but the lighting, direction and especially camera work are SO much better in WWE than they were in WCW. Rey actually took the sliding bump onto his belly on the floor. Chavo looked much younger here, and it’s not just the hair. The last five years have not been kind to him. Obviously. Also, the pretty black mats on Smackdown used to be REALLY shiny. Rey hit a corkscrew pescado, then back in, a seated senton off the top rope. Chavo cut Rey off and hit the Gory Bomb for a nearfall. Rey finally hit the “Six Nineteen” and West Coast Pop for the pin as the crowd went nutso. The simplest match ever, and it ruled. NOTE TO EVERYONE: THIS IS HOW PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING IS DONE.
749
750Rey talked about how the WWE gave him cool music, a swank entrance and global exposure. He talked about facing bigger competition and they showed him against Brock Lesnar, A-Train and Kurt Angle.
751
752Rey Mysterio vs. Kurt Angle. Rey’s WWE PPV debut, from SummerSlam, 8/25/02. Michael Cole explained to the fans that he and Tazz would be calling the Smackdown matches, while Lawler and Ross handled the Raw matches. Yes, something that simple was explained. TNA would never have done this. So Rey jumped Kurt from behind, and they started a million miles an hour with a white-hot crowd. Kurt ended up yanking Rey out of the ring to the floor for, well, maybe not the heat, but at least a breather. On second thought, I guess that was the heat. Kurt Angle, the Olympic gold medal wrestler, had some awesome strikes here. He was, however, wearing a HIDEOUS candy cane pinstripe singlet. Crowd was about 70-30 for Rey. Loud chants of “USA!” as Kurt punched Rey in the corner. Kurt worked Rey over, doing basically nothing, for minute or two. Rey made a brief comeback, but Kurt cut him off with a belly-to-belly. Rey countered an Angle Slam, then dumped Kurt from the ring. He went for a dive, but the ref stepped in the way, so Rey hit the over-the-ref dive spot. He hit the springboard legdrop back in for a nearfall. Kurt went for the ankle lock, but Rey escaped and hit the 619. He hit the West Coast Pop for a nearfall. They did some amazing stuff I can’t describe here. Rey went for a top rope rana, but Angle landed with Rey in the ankle lock (well, sorta) and Rey tapped soon after. This match was SO great. Smackdown in the second half of 2002 was FOR SURE one of the all-time great periods any wrestling crew ever had.
753
754Rey talked about how he couldn’t hang his head after losing to a great wrestler like Angle and had to keep on fighting.
755
756Matt Hardy vs. Rey Mysterio. From Smackdown, 6/5/03. Matt actually had two MFers here, Shannon Moore and Crash Holly. I have exactly no memory of Crash being part of that crew. Rey’s wife, son and daughter were at ringside. This is wrestling, so those folks are about to be either very happy or very sad. Tazz talked about the spot Rey did with the Big Show where he was strapped to the stretcher and Show swung him into the post, which was SO BRUTAL. Between hitting the post and landing on his head on the floor, I have no idea how Rey wasn’t badly hurt. Rey stared down all three heels as the ref gave instructions. Crash tried to intimidate Rey by holding up Matt’s WWE magazine cover. Awesome. So Rey was hitting some basic pescados and whatnot, but when he went for a springboard Matt caught him with a right hand and dumped him to the floor. THE MFERS POUNCED! Unfortunately, the ref caught them and ejected them. Hardy went out to complain, then turned around into a springboard seated senton to the floor. JESUS. They cut for commercial. A close-up of the Mysterios showed that Dominic was wearing earplugs. Matt got a hold of Rey and slowed him down with a half-crab. They were talking about injuries Rey had to his groin and hamstring. Just like that, Rey had Matt in position for the 619, but couldn’t even run across the ring. He fought Matt off and tried to climb up top, but climbed too slowly and Matt cut him off. Rey finally went for a moonsault, but Matt caught him, but Rey countered into a DDT and started his comeback. Matt cut him off and went for the yodeling legdrop (I know I am stealing that name from someone, and I don’t care, it’s too great not to use), but Rey cut him off. They had a struggle up top until Matt hit a side effect for a nearfall. Rey hit Matt with a Twist of Fate (yes, Rey hit Matt) for a nearfall that had people having fits. Rey managed to hit a limping 619. He went for the West Coast Pop, but Matt caught him. Both guys ended up tumbling over the ropes to the floor. They teased a double countout. Rey made it back in. Matt grabbed his belt, apparently happy with the countout. The ref left the ring to, I guess, call Matt a pussy. Crash and Shannon ran out, laid out Rey with a double slam, then retreated. Matt hit a HYOOGE top rope legdrop and made a cover, but Rey kicked out. Crowd EXPLODED there. Matt went for the Twist of Fate, but Rey hit a double-leg takedown and cradled Matt for the pin. Crowd EXTRA-PLODED with that. Rey’s wife was crying as he celebrated in the ring with his new belt and his young son, just like – no, fuck it, I’m not saying it. Anyway, this match ROOLED. You know what? Rey, in WCW, really wasn’t a great pro wrestler. He had some great matches, but also some really crummy matches, as evidenced by the fact that there are some bad ones here on this, his Best Of DVD. And then they’ve got three WWE matches, and they’re ALL awesome. Even if it was just Chavo, Kurt and Matt knowing what to do with Rey to make him look best, he’s obviously learned. Seriously, when was the last time you saw a BAD Rey Mysterio match?.
757
758Back in San Diego, Rey said he was the underdog in the match, but it didn’t matter because he was supported by “fans, Mexicanos and the raza.” He talked about wrestling Tajiri, which was difficult because you never really knew what color mist you were going to be sprayed with. Seriously, that was his biggest concern.
759
760Rey Mysterio vs. Tajiri. From Smackdown, 1/1/04, for Tajiri’s cruiserweight title. Tajiri had the coolest entrance video, with him spewing mist that spelled out his own name. He was accompanied by Akio and Sakoda here. I remember once Bryan and I were trying to remember whatever happened to Jimmy Yang, and then later that day we saw him on PPV in Tajiri’s corner. We had forgotten he even worked for the company. They did a lot of chain wrestling early. Tajiri went for his back handspring elbow, but Rey dropkicked him to the floor. Rey followed with a big dive and they went to the break. Afterwards, Rey went for the 619, but Tajiri’s “henchmen” (that’s what Tazz called them, and that word needs to be used more often) interfered. Sakoda ended up catching Rey and dropping him on the floor. That looked MOST uncomfortable. So yeah, that was the heat. Tajiri beat up Rey for a while, eventually deciding to work over the leg. He went for the tarantula, but Rey held the ropes. So Tajiri went for a sunset flip, but Rey rolled through, hit a dropkick and started his comeback. He hit a top rope rana shortly thereafter. He went for the West Coast Pop, but Tajiri rolled through and hooked a half-crab. That spot ruled, and the crowd totally bought this as a finish. Rey finally got the ropes. They had a battle on the rop rope. Rey shoved Tajiri down, into the ref. The henchmen distracted Rey, and when he jumped off the ropes, Tajiri met him with a kick to the belly. He hit a running powerbomb for a great nearfall. In the next minute, one million things happened. Tajiri missed the execution kick. Rey missed the 619. Sakoda ended up eating (perhaps literally) the green mist and Rey rolled up Tajiri to win the match and the title. Rey said that Tajiri was one of his all-time favorite opponents. I don’t doubt that for a second. We’ll finish up disc two next week, then pick up disc three.
761
762
763TV/DVD Reviews
764
765Derby City
766No DVD, so we'll catch up next week.
767
768
769ECW
770Show opened with Armando Estrada in the ring. Yes, he is still the General Manager. Bet you forgot didn't you? He introduced Chavo Guerrero, who came out wearing a phat pancho that read "WARRIOR". Chavo cut a promo saying when he was home last week people wanted to know why he did what he did to CM Punk last week. He said well, I was injured by Rey Misterio last year and couldn't do a goddamn thing but sit at home and watch ECW TV. No wonder he's mad. Good thing he didn’t watch Impact. He said he watched a lot of WWE and all he heard about was how CM Punk was this big rising star, and it made him sick to his stomach. Punk came out and said he couldn't believe that Chavo was upset because people said he (Punk) was a rising star. Chavo said yes, it upset him, because he (Chavo) was a former World Champion (?) and Punk was nothing but a stepping stone. Punk said listen, if you want a world title shot all you have to do is ask for it. Armando said Chavo, if you want a world title shot all you have to do is win your match later on tonight – against CM Punk. I guess they did what was "right" in the booking, but nobody seemed to care and I can't imagine anyone caring.
771
772They plugged Raw Roulette on Monday. I CAN'T WAIT.
773
774Miz & Morrison & Layla vs. Redneck & Shannon Moore & Kelly Kelly. The girls worked the first part of the match. No joke. Lock-up, the whole nine yards. It was quite bad. Morrison tagged in and did the Rick Rude hip swivel towards Kelly, and she responded by slapping him and running between his legs to slide outside. Moore then came off top with a high cross. Fun spot and it actually worked. Heat on Shannon. Wang got the hot tag and ran wild. Crowd really got into it. Wang is really quite great. Layla started pummeling him so he turned around, grabbed her and gave her a huge kiss. Place went nuts. Wang then pinned Miz with his big moonsault. Wang and Kelley did a little jig afterwards, and it was so bad that it was awesome. This is one of the best feuds in wrestling right now. So much fun. The announcers then stated that next week Shannon and Redneck were getting Fifteen Minutes of Fame. What is that, you ask? Why, a FIFTEEN MINUTE IRON MAN TAG MATCH. How ridiculous.
775
776After commercial, Tazz was in the ring with, no joke, COLIN DELANEY, the jobber who got destroyed two weeks ago by Shelton Benjamin. Tazz wanted him to know how that match went. "Not as I planned," said Colin Delaney. He's getting another match tonight and Tazz wanted to know how he felt. Colin said he got the first one out of the way, he was training real hard, and he was much more confident. Tazz wanted to know what his New Year's Resolution was. He said to become a WWE Superstar. Tazz said well, here is your opponent. Colin Delaney vs. Big Daddy V. Colin lost some confidence here. "I don't know how well Colin is going to do here," said Tazz. Colin had his hands up in FISTICUFFS position. Big Daddy V killed him. Colin is the best fucking jobber on the Earth in every conceivable way. V hit the Samoan drop and the Abdullah elbow for the pin. I love this angle. COLIN DELANEY NEEDS TO BE BACK EVERY WEEK. He should just be the show's jobber, losing to someone else every week. I think he'd get over huge.
777
778Shelton Benjamin vs. A Jobber. This jobber, JAMES CURTIS, was not nearly as great as Colin Delaney, and that is really saying something since he's the current OVW Champion. They had an 80s style cut-in where Shelton Benjamin said his New Year's Resolution was to be the gold standard of WWE. This squash match was boring and went on way too long. Ok, it's now been two minutes since I wrote that last line and this is fucking ridiculous. Shelton just kept beating on this man forever, then he put him in a long chinlock, and I thought, If Shelton Benjamin is so great, why the fuck is it taking him so long to beat this nobody? Talk about a channel changer. He powerbombed him into the corner and then finally hit his downward spiral for the pin. I almost fell asleep.
779
780Punk vs. Chavo. They did a long lock-up early. Punk sold it like he tweaked his knee, so Chavo cut him off and went to work on it. Yes, Punk was not selling his ribs for once. The little kids chanted "CM PUNK!" Chavo put him in an Indian deathlock with a bridge. Styles wanted to know how many neck bridges you had to do in order to be able to execute such a hold. "Endless," said Tazz. Indeed, you can NEVER STOP. He also said it was impossible to get out of the hold, which begs the question why Chavo released it. Punk made his big comeback, selling his leg the entire time. The problem here is that the announcers sounded bored. Fans didn't seem much into it either. Part of it was because Chavo's offense was pretty generic and boring. He cut Punk off and went for the three amigos. Punk slipped behind on the third one and hoisted him up for the GTS. That would have been an awesome finish. But it wasn't. Chavo escaped and the match kept going. They both ended up outside and Punk got in at the last second to win via countout. So in the last two main events, Punk has won via DQ and via countout. What an auspicious title reign these last few weeks.
781
782
783TNA SCIMPACT~!
784Yes, this was the epic edition of TNA Impact that had its script leaked on our message board. This should be something else.
785
786They recapped last week that involved a lot of yelling and screaming and such and then suddenly the words "RANKING BY GAUNTLET" just appeared on the screen. Then it was over. Comically inefficient.
787
788Jeremy Borash was at AJ Styles' grandma's house, where AJ had reportedly sequestered himself over the past few days. AJ's sister was there, and also a coach and a priest. I hope there's an Indian too, and a sailor. Borash pounded on the door and AJ responded, "I'm not here!" Borash said he had to know which side AJ was choosing. Yes, Borash went all the way to Gainesville, AL to ask this question. So when he didn't get an answer he said he'd get it before the night was over. A fat man appeared and said he wanted to give SHOUT-OUTS~!, but sadly then they cut away.
789
790They said the PPV was this Sunday. THIS SUNDAY? NO!!! Dammit. They said we were getting four gauntlet matches to determine the ranking for all four divisions going into 2008. Rankings. Yeah, just like those old ranking matches they had that always ended up being bullshit. Cornette also announced Robert Roode & Traci vs. Booker T & Sharmell. As he was running down the PPV main event, Joe came out. Yes, Joe interrupted their plug for their own PPV main event. NO BUYS~! Joe, the script alerted me, is a BABYFACE. Crowd chanted his name. Joe began bitching that how there was a PPV and somehow he wasn't part of it. He wanted to know why he hadn't gotten a title shot, and why Cornette had given Kevin Nash and Scott Hall a tag title match instead. WHAT THE FUCK IS HE TALKING ABOUT? WHAT TAG TITLE MATCH? Nash came out in his gear. Nash said he'd sat in the corner at Turning Point and listened to Joe running him and Hall down. He said Hall had more problems in an hour than Joe had in a lifetime and Joe had no right to run him down. No? Please explain. Nash said Joe reminded him a lot of the Outsiders when they were younger. But, he said, there was a place the Outsiders had in the business and Joe had not reached that place yet. What place is that?, just out of curiosity. Joe told him that sometimes event the most dominant pack leaders had to move aside or be pushed aside. Nash said he sure as hell wasn't going to walk aside, so maybe Joe should push it. Cornette got in between them and said he was going to make this good. He said he'd promised Nash and Hall a title match at the PPV (???), but Hall had other plans and wouldn’t be able to make it. So he signed Joe & Nash vs. Tomko & AJ for the belts.
791
792Krystal interviewed Roode about the Booker/Sharmell match. He said he'd slap the taste out of Sharmell's mouth. Traci said it took a real tough man to hit a woman. "I despise you!" He ran her down. She said she had no problem with Booker or Sharmell. He told her he had a problem and his problems were her problems, and if not, he'd be her personal problem. Thank God for the script. He forced her to say his catch phrase, and that was that. Roode is a great heel and has good delivery but I'm sick of everyone on this show yelling at each other.
793
794They did an interview with Team 3-D and Krystal. She got sick of Bubba harassing her and stormed off. He cut a promo. Then Billy Gunn and Road Dogg came up and yelled at each other. I stopped caring so I decided not to recap this. You're not missing anything. Everyone hates each other. It was awful.
795
796It was time for the Tag Team Gauntlet. Kip James in his Candace Michelle gear and Lance Hoyt in his "White Boy" T-shirt started. I found something great about TNA. Billy Gunn's gimmick is now that he wears ridiculously homosexual tights. Everyone buries him, from the Dudleys to Road Dogg to Tenay and West. D-Von was next, then Alex Shelley. Nothing all that exciting up to this point. Homicide was in. Looks like we're at 1 minute intervals. Homicide eliminated Billy and his gay shorts. Don West announced that if BG James could survive until the final two then Kip James could come back per the convoluted rules of this match. Jimmy Rave was next, then BG James. The latter tossed D-Von. Bubba Ray was next. Of course, since everyone has to fight on this show, Bubba and D-Von got into an argument on the stage. Chris Sabin was in next. He tossed BG James. Hernandez in. On the bright side, it's been ten minutes and we haven't had a commercial yet. I didn't think that was possible on this program. Hernandez gave Bubba Ray a backdrop and that was scary. Sabin then tossed Bubba. Wow. So at that point it turned into a tag match, with Motor City Machine Guns vs. Jimmy Rave & Lance Hoyt. I should note that they went to a commercial and the final eliminations happened during the break, and then when they came back from the break this tag match ended within 1 minute when Shelley pinned Rave. You can't win them all. Team 3-D came out afterwards and hit both guys with 3-D's, then they GOT THE TABLES! They put both guys' hands on the tables and then Bubba whacked their wrists with kendo sticks. Babyfaces sold it like they'd broken their wrists. The story was that with broken wrists they wouldn't be able to climb the cables. This was actually a good angle and made sense. Well, aside from the fact that breaking the Machine Guns' wrists wasn't going to help fat 3-D scale the cables.
797
798Kurt and Karen did the promo from the script where Angle said in a drawer full of knives he wasn't the smartest, and then when he left Krystal said DID HE REALLY JUST SAY THAT? and Karen said CLEARLY I DIDN'T MARRY HIM FOR HIS BRAINS! Nothing like having to tell the audience they're supposed to laugh. This was actually worse on TV by a significant margin than it was in the script.
799
800We saw the worst commercial of all time, for a product called Lipozene. It was as bad as the worst Impact, but it was so bad it was good.
801
802More with Borash at AJ's grandma's house. He interviewed Miss McGillicuddy, his third grade teacher. She said AJ had bad skin and was shy in school. AJ and her yelled back and forth through the door. She began screaming and swearing and Borash had to apologize to the preacher. I've never seen a worse television program. I laughed at how stupid this was, though, so I guess that's a victory.
803
804They plugged the PPV.
805
806It was time for the chick's gauntlet match. Angelina Love and Traci started. This match should be awesome. Miss Jackie was next. Time for an ASS WHOOPIN. Jackie always goes right after TEAM PRON~! and I laugh each time. It was like Traci wasn't even in the ring, she just wanted to suplex Angelina all over the place. Velvet Sky was in next. She was wearing a skirt this week. Christy was in next. Ok, I predict danger. Christy and Velvet working together brought the comedy. ODB was in next. "ODB!" She tossed Traci, who is going to break her back on the apron one of these days. Roxxi was in next. Final competitor was Awesome Kong. She tossed Christy and Velvet. Thankfully no one was hurt. Angelina was next. So it came down to Kong, Roxxi, ODB and Jackie, and then of course we had to go to commercial. We're only 55 minutes into this show. I can't believe this. This is the longest hour of all time. Everyone teamed up and eliminated Kong. How amazingly stupid. You knew they'd fuck it up eventually. Jackie was next. So it came down to Roxxi vs. ODB in a singles match. It's too bad she has such a wacky gimmick because the Voodoo Chick is really cute. ODB won with the Thesz press. Tenay said this was a landmark victory in the career of ODB. LANDMARK.
807
808Krystal interviewed Tomko. He said he was sick of everyone, Angle, Christian and AJ, and it all ended tonight. TO THE BREAK. They promised that after the break, Tomko would give his answer to Angle. This was the hook to get us to return.
809
810Tomko came out after the break, then Kurt and Karen came out. Kurt and Karen are getting along today, by the way. Kurt said he'd demanded Tyson come out because he was sick of Angle and AJ playing games. He said he was a few days away from the biggest match of his career (???) and that he needed to know if Tyson was with him or without him. Tyson said he thought he made up his mind a few weeks ago, but Kurt had been talking about the Army and the Army was about whether he'd take a bullet for his fellow man, for Christian or Angle. Tomko said listen, the only guy I'll take a bullet for is myself, and if you or Christian got shot, well, oh well. Tenay had to explain to us what Tomko just said. Tomko said he was with Tomko and that was that. Kurt said he respected that and shook his hand. Kurt then tried to jump him but Tomko grabbed him by the neck and said he would forgive him this one time, but the next time he tried it he would break his puny little neck permanently. Tomko was actually really good here.
811
812More from Gainesville. They interviewed Mr. Butterman, his wrestling coach. I think he was talking about AJ pissing himself in a match. THIS IS SO AWFUL.
813
814More from Gainesville. JB interviewed AJ's sister. This was worse than the segment with the coach. THEN THERE WAS MORE. KRYSTAL INTERVIEWED BLACK MACHISMO AND THE GURU. Machismo was pissed that Guru kissed So Cal Val at the Christmas party. This was also bad but at least it was somewhat funny. BUT OF COURSE IT COULDN'T END HERE. CHRISTIAN WALKED UP TO DO AN INTERVIEW OF HIS OWN. He said he was proud of Tomko for taking a stand. But now he needed to know where AJ stood. OK, serious question here. Let's consider Tomko. This man is like six foot six. He's massively muscled. He's got a goatee and tats and a fucking bald head. He just grabbed TNA Champion Kurt Angle by the throat and threatened to snap his neck. Christian, however, DOESN'T CARE THAT HE CHOSE TO GO IT ALONE. INSTEAD, HE CARES ABOUT WHERE AJ STANDS. So again, serious question, WHY THE FUCK WOULD ANYONE -- *** AN - E – ONE *** -- give a FLYING FUCK which side AJ Styles was on? He's not a six foot six bald goatee'd tatted up asskicker who just manhandled the world champion, he's a fucking goofball who has dressed up as a chicken and a reindeer and is currently locked in his room at his grandmother's while they make homosexual, urination and masturbation jokes about him. This show is fucking stupid all the time, but for some reason this deal here really just filled me with an intense and pulsating rage.
815
816X-Division Gauntlet. Petey Williams and Sonjay Dutt started. Sharkie was in next. Sharkie came out in a neckbrace, his knee taped, his ribs taped, his quad taped, a bandage on his head and another bandage on the fin on his mask. HIS GIMMICK IS THAT HE IS CONSTANTLY HURT. I have to admit I laughed. Elix Skipper was next, then Johnny Devine. Skipper disappeared. We were alerted that he'd "tossed himself". Sharkie was eliminated. Senshi was in next. Babyfaces all tossed Devine. Yes, Petey is a babyface. Sonjay got tossed so it was Senshi, who is quitting, versus Petey Williams. Petey quickly hit the Canadian destroyer for the pin.
817
818James Storm challenged Eric Young to some sort of drinking contest at the PPV.
819
820More from Gainesville. "He won't see his son, he won't see his pets," Borash said. He said we MUST have an answer tonight. WHY? WHY MUST WE HAVE THIS ANSWER? They interviewed the priest, who was hard of hearing or something. This had the potential to be funny but of course they fucked it up.
821
822Booker and Sharmell did a promo. He said it was bullshit for her to be doing this match. So she said no, she'd love to whip some ass. So he said SHO NUFF.
823
824Heavyweight Gauntlet. Booker T and James Storm started. Robert Roode and Eric Young were next. A commercial break was next. When they returned, 100 men were in the ring. Please explain how during a two minute commercial break approximately ten minutes passed in TNA. Scott Steiner was in next and he threw men around. He was about to throw Booker but they decided to work together. Don was like, MY GOD DID YOU EVER THINK YOU'D SEE BOOKER T AND SCOTT STEINER WORKING TOGETHER? I thought to myself, why not? Vinny had to remind me that they feuded in WCW in 2000, you know, eight years ago. This show is so bad I can't even enjoy the good wrestling. Nash was next. He could barely walk. I can't believe he's in the gauntlet. So anyway, I quit when recapping this match. I'll let you know what happens when we're down to two men. So after a bunch of stuff that would require someone who can type 500 words per minute to recap, Christian cradled and pinned Joe.
825
826TO THE BACK TO GAINESVILLE. They said they were running out of time and had to get the answer. AJ said Christian. Then he said no, Kurt. Then he said no, Tomko. Then he said he'd tell us at the PPV. That was the end. THIS WAS THE GO HOME SHOW. Utter shite.
827
828
829Smackdown
830They recapped last week's show.
831
832Teddy wheeled Vickie out onto the ramp. My God this woman gets some heat. Good evening and Happy New Year!, she announced. She was so excited. She said she just wanted to set the record straight, that if Batista or Undertaker laid as much as a finger on Edge, their chances of regaining the championship would go up in smoke. She said tonight we were going to get BEAT THE CLOCK, and the winner of the challenge tonight would get a shot at Edge's World Title shot at Royal Rumble. She introduced Jonathan Coachman as the new color commentator as only she can. Think about that team, Michael Cole and Jonathan Coachman. They're getting put together right on time for a great run leading into the Wrestling Observer Awards for 2008.
833
834Finlay vs. MVP in a Beat the Clock challenge. They did shoot style early and it was really fun. Finlay remains remarkably agile for basically a fifty year old man who has been taking beatings for many, many years. They did a spot where Finlay put his head down and MVP was supposed to boot him, but they ended up too close together and MVP gave him a fucking HARD knee right to the eye socket. That had to suck. More MMA style, including Finlay pulling guard. Took MVP a long time to figure out he should try to pass. No one in the crowd seemed to have any earthly idea what was going on. We got a long, long cravate. They pretty much just went back and forth, then at the end they did the old double shillelagh spot and Finlay got the pin. Match went 9:45, so even Mark Henry could beat that. Vince came out afterwards and gave his little boy a huge hug. Finlay just looked at them, not knowing what the hell was going on. Hornswaggle looked a bit confused as well. He threw the little fellow's hat at him afterwards and gave him a fatherly thumbs up. The midget's doom is coming, I can feel it.
835
836You know, that Royal Rumble commercial on the subway has done more to build up the next PPV than TNA has done for Final Resolution with eight hours of first-run prime time television over the past month.
837
838Michelle McCool & Chuck Palumbo vs. Victoria & Kenny Dykstra. Michelle hasn't done much for me for a long, long time, but boy did she look special this evening. The guys worked a bit early, then Victoria tagged in and went to work on Michelle, who at the very least has improved a lot in the ring over the past few months. Keep in mind I'm grading on a curve. Dykstra and Palumbo got the hot tags and Palumbo threw him all over the place. That's always a good time. They fought up top and Palumbo hit a huge superplex. We got another Diva hot tag that was comically mistimed, even with major editing. Highspots are not Michelle's thing, I do have to say that. Michelle kicked Kenny off the apron, and the distraction allowed Victoria to hit the widow's peak for the pin. Palumbo just stood on the apron with his hands on his hips. Then we had the TNA Moment â„¢ of the night, which was two partners yelling at each other. Palumbo chewed her out, then left and said she could stay here because he was riding home alone. He's riding home? That's quite a journey.
839
840I should note that up until this point, Cole and Coachman had not been horrible. They were, however, so boring that I completely forgot they existed for 70 percent of this show.
841
842Vickie sent Teddy to get her a better cup of coffee. Chavo then stormed in. He was appalled by this Vickie/Edge relationship, saying it was tearing the Guerrero Family apart. "What do you want?" she asked. "I put you in the Beat the Clock Challenge!" Chavo said what he wanted was to roll back the hands of time. He wanted something that he just couldn't have. "That's what I want." Then he stormed out. What a way to turn what had been a wacky angle involving teeter-totters and cornball speeches into a total downer.
843
844Have I ever told you how much Comcast sucks? Besides on-screen menu glitches that made this show nearly impossible to access, we were also treated to constant digital glitches and inexplicable pauses. Plus, it's 2008 and this show wasn't in HD. Bastards.
845
846Chavo Guerrero vs. Funaki. Chavo was overjoyed to have such a jobber for an opponent. Vickie should have given him COLIN DELANEY. That would have ruled. Chavo was beating on him and watching the clock as Comcast continued to pause at random times. They were working at a fast pace and looked like they were getting tired after about three minutes. Chavo just kept hitting move after move and couldn't get the pin. Crowd did not get into the drama of this attempt to beat the clock. Clearly there are no plans to do much with Chavo, because he was sure looking impotent here. Funaki even got to do some MOVEZ. Chavo finally hit the Gori Especial with 3:44 left on the clock. So the new time to beat is 6:02. This was six minutes and two seconds at the dentist.
847
848Batista vs. Curt Hawkins in a Beat the Clock match. Batista had a huge grin on his face, predicting a quick doom for Young Hawkins. Suddenly, Vickie appeared on the big screen. She said Teddy had an announcement about the match. He said per Vickie's request, Batista would not only be facing Curt Hawkins, but also Zack Ryder. This was a two-on-one match, meaning both of the Rated Rmy were in at the same time. They got the heat on him with a high-low. For those trying to tell them apart, Zach Ryder has the Edge 2006 physique and Hawkins has the Edge late-2007 physique. Crowd chanted "BATISTA!" They doubled on Batista for about four straight minutes, eating up the clock. They fucked up his double backdrop comeback spot, and since there was an on-screen clock they couldn't edit this. So they tried the same spot again and got it right this time, then Batista made his big comeback. He went for the powerbomb on one of them but the other one grabbed his partner's leg and held on until the clock went "EPIC FAIL". Batista threw a big fit afterwards. Poor bugger. Cole said in his mind Batista was robbed tonight. The time to beat is still 6:02.
849
850MVP was ranting and raving to someone on the phone backstage. He said he had Finlay beat until that midget handed him a shillelagh. He said he didn't need anyone to tell him he was great, he needed everyone else to respect his greatness. He threatened to shatter the glass ceiling in WWE by doing what HHH wasn't able to do, and that was beat Ric Flair.
851
852Rey did an interview backstage about how he was a small man, and to beat the clock he had to be fast and furious. Luckily, he said, that's his style. He said he'd worn the World Title once before and would do anything possible to do it again.
853
854Redneck & Shannon Moore vs. Greasers. Coach called him Jimmy Yang Wang. Speaking of Wang, he flew outside early and knocked Cherry on her ass, so he got up and helped her to her feet. She looked horrified. Domino immediately clonked him from behind to prevent, I don't know, a rapin'. Bad guys went to work on him. Shannon got the hot tag and ran wild. Cole coined the term, "The Redneck and the Reject". Broke down into a four-way and Shannon ran them together, then cradled Domino for the pin. I would like to note that it was during this match that Cole and Coach fell off a cliff. Lord Almighty they were awful here. Match was all right, which is saying something since it involved the Greasers.
855
856Undertaker came out for his Beat the Clock match. They announced Matt Striker as his opponent. Striker came out, however, in a ref shirt and said no, he wasn't the opponent, he was the special guest referee. So Undertaker's opponent, if you can believe the horror, was Mark Henry. This was like they really had just been alerted, seconds ago, that they were working each other, and thus had to call the entire thing in the ring. It was real bad. Henry was Henry and Taker didn't look good at all. Taker tossed them into the steps and Henry hit them really hard. They have earned half a star. Taker did his usual spots like the legdrop on the apron, then Henry got the heat. Taker finally hit a big DDT and made his comeback with 1:22 left. Taker finally hit a chokeslam and made the cover with like twelve seconds left but Striker held up his count at two. FINALLY, A HEEL REF WHO IS A GREAT HEEL REF. So Taker didn't beat the clock and now he's fucked. He took this remarkably well, all things considered. Striker ran for his life, so Taker gave Henry a bodyslam and a legdrop.
857
858A Random Diva Search Chick was backstage interviewing Matt Striker about what happened in the last match. He said what happened was that Undertaker did not beat the clock, and worse, he tried to put his hands on Striker, the ref. He said if Taker ever tried that again he'd beat the living hell out of him. Also, he said, this man, Big Daddy V, would be happy to beat the living hell out of him as well. Can't wait for that battel.
859
860Rey Misterio came out for his Beat the Clock match. His opponent? Edge. They sent out the Rated Rmy as well for double the distraction. The rules were that neither Dave nor Undertaker could touch Edge, but the rules did not stipulate that he couldn't touch CURT HAWKINS and ZACH SOMETHINGOROTHER. So he beat them up. So then Undertaker came out and used his magic. The lights went out, and when they came back on Taker was gone and Edge was laid out draped over the middle rope. So Rey hit the 619 and followed it up with a springboard splash to beat the clock and win the title shot at the Royal Rumble. There have been some super wonky finishes on all three WWE shows in the last few weeks. In fact, unless I'm mistaken, the last SIX matches involving a World Champion (WWE, World or ECW) have ended with a fuck finish. LAME.
861
862
863RAW ROULETTE~!
864I have been eagerly awaiting this show. They showed a great recap of last week's Flair vs. Hunter match. And yes, the bigger story wasn't Flair's last match in Greensboro, but rather Regal having fucked Hunter. You're surprised?.
865
866Regal met with Vince, who said this was the first Raw of 2008. The fans were expecting something big tonight, and innovative. He said there were wrestlers who didn't know they were wrestling, and when they were alerted they weren't going to know what kind of match they were having. He unveiled the Raw Roulette wheel. He was so excited he could barely contain himself. Regal said yeah, great. But listen, he said. He was afraid Vince was mad at him for not punching Hornswaggle last week, so he'd run down there and taken Hunter out of the Rumble match. Vince said yes, he was pleased. But, he said, he would be more pleased if Hunter was hurt. So he signed Regal to a match with him later, and added that they'd spin the wheel to see what kind. It landed on FIRST BLOOD. Regal was sad. Vince was pleased. As Regal left the room he was jumped by Hunter and all the security geeks had to run in there to break it up.
867
868Shawn and Kennedy came down to the ring for a match. Vince spun the wheel and it came up as "Strange Bedfellows". It's a parejas increibles match! Shawn & Kennedy vs. Trevor Murdoch & Charlie Haas. Well, this sucked. Crowd didn't care either and there was no heat. Shawn is so great that he made the match work though. In the middle of the match, Charlie went under the ring and came out wearing a mask. "It's TIME!" he pronounced. What the fuck? He kept doing a wacky pose like he was Dr. Wagner Jr. or something. That's fitting at least. Heat on Shawn. Apparently Hunter's finisher is called the "mic check". Yee haw. Shawn tried to tag but Kennedy bailed. Shawn unmasked Haas and made his own comeback. Finish saw Shawn hit the superkick on Haas, but Kennedy blind-tagged himself in, hit Shawn with the mic check, and then stole the pin on Haas. Ross called it a train wreck. Indeed it was.
869
870Lillian said the next match was a Trading Places Match where the opponents had to dress as each other. Carlito came out dressed as Hardcore Holly and Holly came out dressed as Carlito. This show is retarded. Holly in a huge afro wig was funny though. There was a sign that read "EVERYONE HERE IS A JOKE". Holly worked with the wig on. He better spit the apple for the finish. Carlito attacked him at the bell and went to work. This was so boring and no one cared. Holly made a big comeback. Not sure how Carlito's blond wig stayed on the whole time. Santino took the ref, but it backfired. Holly GOT THE APPLE and spat it in Carlito's face, then hit the Alabama slam for the pin. Big pop for the finish. Carlito was talked into not quitting for this.
871
872Vince was in the back with Maria. She got to spin it to determine what match all the girls would be in tonight. It landed on submission match. Vince told her to close her eyes, then moved the wheel back to lingerie pillow fight. THIS IS FIXED!? He told her not to stuff the pillows and she said her pillows were all natural. This woman is impossible.
873
874Jeff did a promo about how he'd spent New Year's in the hospital with Matt. He said he wasn't only going to take Orton out, but he was going to take his belt.
875
876Announcers said Jeff vs. Umaga in a steel cage match was happening later.
877
878Hornswaggle was running around like an idiot backstage and ran into Vince. They had a conversation we could not hear due to a horrible echo. This show has fallen off a mighty cliff. They gave up and went to commercial. When they came back the audio was fixed. Vince told the midget that if he qualified tonight he would be in the Royal Rumble. The wheel had landed on "McMahon's Choice". So he signed Hornswaggle & a partner to a tag team match. That was the best choice he could come up with? A Tag Team Match?.
879
880Lingerie pillow fight. This was the best match in history. That's all I got to say. Ashley is back. We had Maria, Mickie, Jillian, Ashley and Melina. Ok, my previous statement about this match was made when Maria came out. Ultimately the match started. This was the most terrible match maybe of all time. Ashley won with a flying elbow onto Jillian on the bed. I got Lasik for this?.
881
882Raw in HD starts in two weeks. YEAH.
883
884Hornswaggle couldn't find a partner.
885
886Hunter vs. Regal first blood. Regal had the sweetest jacket I've ever seen. They just brawled all over the place. "WE WANT BLOOD!" Regal exposed a buckle and slammed Hunter into it. No juice. Hunter better not put Regal over tonight after the Greensboro debacle. "REGAL SUCKS!" Hunter sent him three times into the exposed buckle and Regal didn't bleed. Well that exposes the business right there. Regal got the knux but Hunter hit the spinebuster. He ultimately just pummeled him bloody, busting him open with his bare hands. Match was good. Hunter, of course, had to give him a pedigree afterwards for good measure. HUN-TOR.
887
888Hornswaggle tried to get Santino to be his partner but Santino said no, I don't want to risk my Rumble spot with a match tonight, plus it might upset your father. Also, he said, little people are icky. Santino is so great.
889
890Jericho came out for his match. Vince spun the wheel and they went to commercial, then when they returned they announced that it had landed on handicap match. So really, the only time the wheel has landed legit tonight was for Hunter and Regal, who probably would work any sort of match that they wanted on the fly. It ended up being Jericho vs. JBL and Snitsky. Yes, they put Jericho and JBL in the ring together prior to the Rumble. Who was responsible for this show? Snitksy started, but then Jericho knocked him outside and JBL went after him. They had a huge brawl outside, JBL being the illegal man, and then JBL hit him with the ring bell for the DQ. Ok, this was fine then, it was more an angle than a match. Of course, with first blood stips earlier, Jericho couldn't bleed after taking the ring bell to the face. JBL tied a cable around his neck and dragged him around ringside. They haven't even done the first match and they're building towards bullrope? This angle was dying and there was no heat, and it just kept going. This turned into a bad UFC fight that you're just begging to be over. It went like five straight minutes and then just ENDED. What a failure that was.
891
892Hornswaggle & BK JORDAN vs. Highlanders. Let me repeat that. BK JORDAN. This is the worst show of the year. The whole year. Before the match began, Mick Foley's music played. He is now spherical. He took BK JORDAN'S place. Place went nuts for Foley, so the lack of heat for everything else on this show was the fault of the show, not the crowd. Foley got the hot tag and ran wild. God bless him, but this is the fattest he's ever been. Highlanders got the heat. Why are the Highlanders getting the heat on Mick Foley? He made his own comeback and used Socko on Highlander 1, DDT'd Highlander 2, then Hornswaggle hit the tadpole splash for the pin. Place went apeshit for that, and Hornswaggle and Foley are in the Rumble.
893
894Jeff Hardy vs. Umaga in a cage match. Orton came out and sat at ringside to watch. There was a great moment early where Jeff did a wacky jumparoo and was scaling the cage, and Orton started jumping up and down outside to alert Umaga. So Umaga grabbed Jeff and yanked him and Jeff took this horrible bump back into the ring. DON'T DIE, JEFF, YOUR BIGGEST MATCH EVER IS COMING UP. Orton was a great coach outside. Heat for this match was actually really good all things considered. Jeff took a backdrop into the side of the cage. Orton was seriously working harder outside than I think the guys were inside. He was running around and jumping and yelling and screaming and then he started throwing chairs into the ring. This was legal, apparently. Umaga waylaid Jeff with a shot to the back. How ironic that TNA's slogan is TO THE BACK and WWE is the one that cares enough about the talent to only do chairshots to the back. Jeff crotched the fat man on the top rope as UMANGA was trying to climb out. Umaga tried the ass spot and failed. Jeff ran wild, threw a chair at him, then DDT'd him onto a chair. So Jeff tried to climb out, and you'll never guess what happened? Orton slammed the door on his head. NEVER SAW THAT BEFORE. Umaga made the cover but Jeff kicked out. Umaga went for the spike but Jeff slipped out and hit the twist of fate. He went to climb over but Orton ran over to block his way. So Jeff, trapped, had no choice but to do a twisting moonsault off the top of the cage onto Umaga. Wasn't much of a catch by Umaga, but Jeff lived. Umaga, however, was dead, so Jeff climbed over and got the pin. Orton's slack jawed reaction to this was awesome, as if to say, "My God, this madman will do ANYTHING to win!" Umaga was awesome, Jeff was awesome, Orton was fucking awesome, and Ross was awesome playing this up as the best match of 2008 so far (which isn't saying much but you know that I mean). A great main event that totally saved an otherwise abysmally shitty program.
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