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1art everyone welcome to day three of the
221 convention the men's conference of
3the century
4now everyone's all set this is the very
5first speech of day three and we're
6getting right into things
7it will help wake you up this next man
8that's coming to the stage he is going
9to help you turn up the volume on your
10communication please welcome your
11charisma coach
12Marcus okie good morning everyone
1321 convention I'm still trying to work
14out why it's 21 convention I was
15thinking maybe it's because it's in a
16Fibonacci sequence of numbers you know
17you've got 21 and then maybe that's
18maybe the 21 convention is everything
19you wish you'd known when you were 21
20I'm glad we did it at 21 and not 55
21because that would be not as good don't
22squat with so much weight my knees are
23killing me I wish I'd known that or
24what's the next number 89 why yes taking
25my false teeth out does have more than
26one use but here we are 21 convention
27everything I'm going to tell you now is
28all the stuff I wish I'd known when I
29was 21 and what better way to start the
30day off than breakfast see for me I
31teach charisma and people don't really
32understand what is charisma what what's
33it all about
34well my definition is it's the ability
35to affect the emotions of the people you
36speak to in a way that wouldn't it been
37felt had you not been there in the first
38place so in other words it's making
39people fill an emotion now hopefully
40this breakfast that I brought to the
41table might be able to demonstrate that
42so quick question for you what is this
43it's an orange okay this is yours in one
44moment sir
45thank you for stepping up if
46Wow it gets better
47um so if we squeeze this orange what
48comes out orange juice why gets an
49orange yeah full of vitamin C goodness
50orange juice comes out an orange just
51like when you speak to people the
52emotion that comes out of you tells them
53what's going on now if I squeeze this
54and put it in a glass on the table I'm
55pretty sure anyone watching could say
56reasonably confident orange juice in
57that glass
58would you agree maybe a few people might
59say well hang on maybe it's a mango
60juice but the majority of us would think
61yeah orange juice comes out the range
62that looks like orange juice and the
63emotions coming out of you as you talk
64to people tell people what's going on
65because we know that juicers come out
66the orange Oh almost got his head we
67know the juice is coming out the orange
68is from Norwich so whatever emotions
69coming out of us tells people what's
70going on inside of us we speak as we
71speak to them it's kind of like almost a
72telltale sign so the ability to change
73the emotions of the people you speak to
74is everything you can talk to people
75with no emotion and they will not fill
76in a motion either or you can switch
77people with lots of emotion and maybe
78they will fill that emotion if I want
79somebody to feel an emotion the very
80best chance I've got of doing that not
81the only chance but the very best chance
82I think it's to fill the emotion first
83myself in other words it's to go first
84it's to fill that emotion and hopefully
85it'll come out and affect them so if we
86look back at the charismatic leaders
87throughout of history people say you
88know you teach charisma what about
89Hitler I have to confront that Hitler
90was a very charismatic guy very charming
91you see the thing is two worlds exist
92there's the world around you and there's
93the world inside your mind
94two different worlds and the world
95around you can affect what goes on in
96your mind and your mind can affect the
97world around you so if you take a look
98at the room at the moment find something
99in the room you're in whatever you're
100looking at was probably designed by
101somebody it probably started off as an
102idea in their head and was bought out of
103their mind
104into the world does that make sense so
105all the great bridges Space Station's
106space rockets even that glass on the
107table started as an idea and someone
108took action and made it real
109so the emotions that are in your mind
110also get transmitted into the world
111around you Hitler's ideas became part of
112the world around us now his idea started
113I'm sure in his head in his own mind
114it's very positive you know I'm going to
115make Europe a utopia the trouble is he
116was a nutcase
117and he didn't make Europe a utopia in
118his mind he did he projected it out into
119the world but unfortunately it affected
120everyone else in the world as well and
121this is the point I'm trying to make
122here what we put out into the world
123affects other people
124what other people put out into the world
125affects you so for me everyone watching
126this you're the world around me just as
127to you I'm the world around you it's the
128people that have control of what's going
129on in their own mind they're able to put
130a motion out there and change the world
131around them stronger than others what I
132mean by this is if I talk to somebody
133and I make them fill in a motion I'm
134changing how they feel about themselves
135as you all do when you talk to people if
136you are happy and you talk to somebody
137and you put them in a really good mood
138you make them feel a nice way and that
139affects their thought process and that
140thought process being changed affects
141their mind I remember when I was younger
142thinking wouldn't it be cool to be in
143control of people's minds you know I was
144a kid I was power crazy
145but we do it to each other all the time
146all of us affect the people the emotions
147of the people we speak to so it's just
148about learning how to do that so I'm
149going to start by maybe saying a bit
150controversial for my my two cents I've
151worked in the self development industry
152for a while now and for me time and time
153again I have to strongly believe now
154confidence is absolute
155now this is just my opinion and
156everything I say to you is biased it's
157just what I've experienced because you
158are your own best teachers not me not
159anyone else who gets up in this stage
160and talks to you you have to figure
161things out for yourself and this is just
162what I figured out hopefully it cut down
163some of the learning time for you guys
164some of it you may completely disagree
165with fine some of it hopefully you agree
166with great but it's just my two cents so
167the reason I say confidences is
168this
169confidence only really works when you're
170having success now I teach people to
171become better communicators I wanted to
172do that because I always had that
173promise very shy when I was younger I
174couldn't go up on the stage and speak
175I'd absolutely poo myself and and I took
176strides to improve that now the one
177thing I found is people were saying well
178how can we learn to you know what do we
179I always run out of things to say that
180was the thing always had I thought well
181you know what maybe I can fix that so on
182my website your charisma coach calm I
183made a book and this book told people
184how to get brilliant conversations if
185you like download it check it out it's
186free now had some good techniques for
187example conversations always die when
188you don't leave the conversation into
189the past or the future your conversation
190is in the present moment it's game over
191it would die so what I mean by that is
192if you see somebody looking at painting
193you say hey that's a really nice
194painting the person agrees of users yeah
195it's really nice if that conversation
196doesn't move into the past or the future
197it's dead and you just stand again why
198did I even talk
199[Music]
200but if we say that's a really nice
201painting hey I've got an idea you've got
202a big jacket we fit it in there I meet
203you outside we're selling on eBay and
204divide the profits I've moved the
205conversation to the future of course
206I've made it up in it's fun but it's
207gone somewhere or if I look at the
208painting and say damn I bet that
209painting took ages to paint no wonder he
210cut off his ear it moves it into the
211past doesn't have to make sense but it's
212moved it somewhere
213it's a conversations have to have
214direction now that's a very nice
215technique but it's unless
216something deeper is taken care of first
217and that is your emotion because in fact
218let's do a little test if you can we'll
219take your middle finger okay and I want
220you to put it down and all the other
221fingers up really kind of you know lock
222it behind there I'm going to demonstrate
223on this book when to press it down like
224this okay we're going to do a little
225test raise your thumb if you found
226talking to more people on your quest for
227self-development has made you more well
228refined as a conversationalist maybe
229it's improved your skills a little bit
230okay cool
231next question as you've spoken to people
232and you've maybe practiced raise your
233little finger if you've had
234conversations that are fun definitely me
235I've had a lot of fun conversations all
236right almost sir when talking to people
237I want to raise your index finger if
238you've ever shared a good story with a
239stranger yeah I've done that and lastly
240if you've ever gotten over your anxiety
241of starting conversations up with people
242you've never met before
243raise your ring finger
244ah got a bit of a problem there well I
245couldn't raise my ring finger so that
246means I've still got it I still got that
247anxiety of talking to people
248hang on a minute I've been doing
249self-improvement or they've been in this
250industry for years
251why have I still got it the answer is
252because I'm human you're born with a
253suite of emotions and they're great
254anger happiness embarrassment jealousy
255even the bad ones that we kind of try
256and hide you're human that's the point
257of being human rather than trying to
258block those emotions out rather than
259trying to build the confidence to
260overcome them it's not about that it's
261about enjoying those emotions when you
262experience them because in eight years
263I've never seen one confidence course
264that works now maybe I haven't seen
265enough confidence courses but I meet
266people that have been on them and they
267get to the end and they say yep that's
268me I'm fixed and about two weeks later
269after they finish feeling good they're
270crap again they're not right or they
271have a spate of feeling really confident
272for a while and after six months for
273some reason it just dies maybe they had
274an off day maybe they spoke to some
275people when it didn't really work out
276too well the confidence goes that's
277because confidence relies in success to
278work you have to have a good result a
279good result of good result if I get a
280bad result enough times in a row my
281confidence is going to be shot now
282here's the problem
283Trump what I said about the world around
284us in the world inside our mind can you
285think of anybody you know who doesn't
286have at least one little problem they're
287working through in their life that their
288life is absolutely peachy in every way
289there's just nothing wrong I can't think
290of anyone the one thing I have learnt
291and I wish I did know when I was 21 is
292all the stuff that happens to you in
293your life all the just gets
294replaced with new book show you never
295ever really fixed the problem
296you never ever really fix the you know
297that the stuff that comes in it just
298gets changed it just gets replaced and
299it's that kind of the when it
300happens it's how you deal with it that
301determines who you're going to become as
302a person
303you always been tested like that it's
304great it probably just doesn't feel that
305way right now
306so all those people they've all got some
307sort of problem they're working on I
308will never look to those people to Pat
309my back for me I never look to my
310audience to pat my back for me I never
311looked to anyone I meet to Pat my back
312for me because I have no control over
313how they think or feel about me I have
314good intentions but I have no control
315what I mean by that is a story from my
316father he was a Salesman back in the day
317and he would sell machinery and all the
318other salesmen got together one day and
319they were talking and he said what's
320going on they were talking about this
321one prospect who was a complete hard-ass
322who nobody could sell to and he said you
323know what I wouldn't have a go and I
324said no don't they tried to warn him
325they said he would just tell you to get
326lost
327so I'm proud to say my dad being my dad
328he gave it a shot he turned up knocked
329on the door and the guy told him to get
330lost straightaway he said oh okay he
331goes I'm just going to go but before I
332do what's the matter
333he said the matter is you're in my
334office you're going to go out the window
335if you're not careful
336my dad's a bullet I'm leaving anyway but
337I've really got to know what's up again
338the guy told him to get lost but my dad
339persisted and he said that I'm going
340anyway even by the window or by the
341stairs I'm going to really end up in a
342sling but what's up and the guy told him
343that relative of his was very sick in
344hospital and about to die any day so no
345wonder the sky was angry no wonder this
346guy was upset and all the other salesmen
347just thought he was an asshole maybe he
348was at that moment but there was all
349that other stuff going on in his life at
350the time my dad had no control over that
351no one does the people you talk to you
352have no control what's going on in their
353life so for that reason why base how you
354feel about yourself on somebody else's
355opinion if I hold up my hand like this
356you guys see my palm it's not correct I
357to see that as well I guess but
358you see from this angle and I see from
359this angle we both see the same hand but
360our perspectives are different our
361perspectives change our perception of
362things imagine you're driving along and
363you hear the familiar sirens of an
364ambulance behind you it comes right up
365behind you you think okay I've got to
366move so you move out the way and all the
367other cars move out the way as well and
368they let the ambulance go by and right
369behind that ambulance
370is a Ferrari right up the back of the
371ambulance it's used that gap that you've
372made what do you think about the driver
373you know it is arrogant yeah me too when
374I first heard that but we don't know if
375that driver is chasing that ambulance
376because his wife's dying or been
377involved in an accident we don't
378anything so whatever we project onto
379stuff that happens in the world around
380us determines how we look at life and we
381don't know so there's two types of
382people in life we call them bananas in
383fact let me ask you if I want to find
384out which bananas the biggest what do I
385do
386pon measure them how would I measure
387them what's a really quick way if I if I
388held them out like that would that work
389what about if I put them close together
390that would probably tell me which is the
391biggest would that be right okay and it
392looks like this one's the biggest here
393you go
394I just realized throwing a banana it may
395come back to me they're kind of
396boomerang shaped here you go people
397sometimes like bananas and I explain why
398in life we look for other people to see
399where we fit in the scheme of things the
400reason is we all have a sense of
401belonging we want to know where we fit
402into the fabric of society and we get
403that by looking at every other person
404and looking at how they react to us to
405tell us if we're cool if we're not cool
406in fact let's replace the bananas with
407diamonds some diamonds think hang on a
408minute am i big time in my small
409diamonds have I got a crack tell me how
410do I compare to all the other diamonds
411and I said our cam a little diamond
412right that's one type of people the
413other type just know they're diamonds
414that's okay hey you a big diamond or a
415small diamond
416and just go with diamond yeah but are
417you massive or I'm diamonds in other
418words what I'm trying to say is they
419know who they are they understand who
420they are they're not looking for
421everyone else to react to them to say
422certain things to them to see where they
423fit in the scheme of things so that's
424the start of sorting out what's going in
425there because when you sort out what's
426going on there the emotions you project
427will be different and that's what
428affects other people
429Hitler wouldn't have been able to have
430risen to level of power he had had he
431not been really likable if he was an
432asshole which is known for being he
433wouldn't of had that success this his
434ability to instill that emotion in
435people now if you imagine if you turn up
436in a Ferrari and a girl sees you driving
437a Ferrari that might make her fill in a
438motion she might be very attracted to
439you but what if it's Enzo Ferraris
440great-granddaughter who was born and
441raised around Ferraris is she going to
442feel the same sort of emotion chances
443are she's probably not our ability to
444change everyone else's emotions is more
445consistent in the Ferrari so the world
446around you is chaos you've got no
447control of that you've got no control of
448what people are thinking you've got no
449control how they're handling stuff what
450you do have control over is your
451reaction to it the only thing you have
452100% control over in your life is how
453you react of things so when I'm in a
454situation I'm always thinking whether
455that's a conversation whether that's an
456interaction whether that's doing
457something crazy I'm always thinking how
458can I make this fun how can I take
459happiness from this and the secret is to
460play
461in 1913 Eleanor H Porter wrote a book
462called Pollyanna and the point of that
463book was was his a little girl and her
464life was all about being grateful for
465everything that happened to her now in
466the story
467all she wants for Christmas is a dolly
468someone screwed up and she got crutches
469now that would be okay if her legs were
470broken but they weren't so she took the
471crutches and she looked at a dad and a
472dad in the store he's like oh my gosh
473it's like very good and she said you
474know what I'm really grateful because I
475don't need them so she chose to react
476awesomely every situation is just a
477perspective anything that happens to you
478from one angle could be rubbish from
479another angle could be the best thing
480ever
481but it's your perspective that
482determines everything and the way you
483get that perspective is habit so when I
484talk to people I always have lots of
485energy I'm always playing and whenever I
486go into a conversation I always think
487this is even going to go really well or
488it's going to be really fun the reason
489is because it always is when I look for
490it if I walk into a conversation
491thinking this is going to go really well
492it's going to be a bit rubbish
493I'll get one of those responses if
494you've ever done an exam at school or
495you've done your driving test
496I you know my driving test was Terry I
497remember getting in the car sitting
498there and thinking any second now I'm
499going to fail it was just like this guy
500with a clipboard just looking at me I
501was like oh my god I forget this wrong
502I've screwed for me it was a
503black-and-white result 1 or 0 I could
504either succeed or I could fail my advice
505is get rid of the fail box cross it out
506and just write really funny story
507because you'll find it a friend of mine
508has a hundred percent consistency in
509talking to people and what I mean by
510that is he always has a good result and
511I said how did you get that success and
512he said because every conversation I've
513had has always gone really well and I
514thought well I'm a Chrismukkah CHH
515not every conversation I have goes
516really well I screw up all the time so
517what's he doing
518so I studied and I looked and I found
519out the only thing he was doing was he
520was just taking every conversation he
521had just thinking that went well that
522went funny that went great
523that went funny and it built up 100%
524consistency so he knew that every
525conversation he was going to go into was
526going to go well it was going to be
527funny was going to be awesome
528there was no other reaction there was no
529other result we've forgotten how to play
530we grow up and we lose our playful edge
531when we're kids we problem-solve by
532playing by having fun remember all that
533stuff you learn at school when you're in
534the first few years of school how to
535talk how to read all the important stuff
536you know the basics of maths the stuff
537that lasts you your lifetime you did it
538for you playing and then when you get to
539adult school all the play goes out the
540window it gets replaced with logic about
541the age of 12 or 13 you join senior
542school you don't play games in the
543playground anymore you play adult games
544and you look to people how to act
545because I remember my first day at
546school I didn't play you know tag and
547running around I was looking at other
548people thinking ok I play football now
549because that's the dumb thing and if I
550don't I'm going to stick out like a sore
551thumb
552school raises you to be a logical
553thinker it takes away from your playful
554creative side and music to a logical
555side and that's great because you need
556to be logical to problem-solve otherwise
557you wouldn't be able to do business you
558might be able to work let's say you were
559building a room like this you're putting
560the last brick on and you say oh you
561know we finished yet what's the time and
562he ever builder goes it's half past your
563mum you know I don't know is that kind
564of it is it going to be built if or if
565you order some bricks and you see right
566we need 50 bricks like I asked you how
567many bricks you need you say a billion
568this place ain't getting built it's
569going to be really huge so you need
570logic to function in the world the
571trouble is we forget to be playful but
572it's when we're being playful that we
573were our most emotive that we're
574connecting with people the most engaging
575way when we're having fun people ask me
576how do I start conversations up with
577strangers sometimes I walk up to them
578and talk about something I've seen but
579more than not it's having fun I was in a
580coffee shop two days ago and I was in
581the line and there was a girl and she
582was buying some
583some coffee some tea whatnot and my
584height said how would you talk to her
585and I thought I said to him I said look
586what's fun he said I don't know so I
587looked at the situation she just opened
588her bag and I thought this will be fun
589I took out a brownie and just stuck it
590in a bag went oh my god I can't believe
591you're stealing that bus and she went
592she had an accident from Canada or
593somewhere she's like oh my god what have
594you done I'm sorry if connect Canadians
595doctor but I said look I said you come
596over here right you think it's one rule
597for you and one for the natives Olivia
598and we started she laughed and she
599punched me in the arm and we had a
600conversation and it was fun so if I want
601to start a conversation with a random
602person I'll see how I can make it fun
603for myself how I can be you know amused
604by it
605because I always will find that it's
606more fun to start a conversation up with
607somebody in a supermarket not by going
608wow that looks like you've got a lot
609you're going to cook tonight it's more
610fun just to throw banana in their
611shopping basket you know who just random
612banana throw a person or as I like to do
613take your basket walk up to their basket
614go I don't be weird or anything but uh
615and then just taking out the basket
616putting your basket
617now you have to laugh afterwards a
618client of mine did that and went and ran
619off she was like come back here she did
620feel an emotion though but that's what
621I'm getting at if you can make people
622feel emotions you're different from
623every other person in the room you get
624those emotions by feeling them first
625yourself now here's why confidence is
626because I have no control of
627how people are going to react to me the
628only control I have is how I react to
629them it's not about their reaction to me
630it's about my reaction to their reaction
631of me my reaction is always going to be
632freaking awesome you know the other day
633I was a friend of mine he said listen I
634need some help can you put up some
635shelving now I know I'm the charisma
636coach I'm talking about shelving bear
637with me I said yeah fine I'll do that
638shelving job for you and I've got his
639shelves I took him out the paper and I
640was shocked they were glass
641they were wire possibly some UFO
642technology in there as well I just
643didn't know what to do with it now what
644I didn't tell him is I'd never put up
645shelves before and this thing was
646monstrosity but four okay I'll give it a
647go because I'm reveling in the challenge
648play is all about finding something
649that's a challenge and knowing you've
650got the skill to do it now rather than
651knowing I had the skill to pluck this
652shelf because I've never put up a shelf
653before I just assumed it would be all
654right it would be fun so I was drilling
655my little holes I've put my shelf up and
656I tell you what it looked really good on
657the way home that night I must admit I
658won't lie I was sitting on the train and
659I was having a little it all sort of
660dream about are those shelves apart were
661gray and I was thinking about him and I
662thought to myself if I did that again
663how would I put the shows up differently
664for all I would drill the holes slightly
665closer together so the shelves just set
666in some sort of harmony rather than
667being a little bit ski with he never
668knew they were the first shelves I put
669up sucks to be him and I realized that's
670the secret of all skill all natural
671skill that you build doesn't come from
672you reading it in a book it comes from
673you taking action and it comes from you
674after every every challenge you take on
675whether that's talking
676somebody you've never met before
677wherever it's picking up a tennis ball
678and hitting across a net something I've
679never been able to do but when you get
680good at anything it's because you come
681away from every challenge and you think
682what weren't really well then and you
683revel in it and what could I do better
684next time what could I do better to
685improve the reason you ask that question
686is because you want to improve I wanted
687to put my shelves up better I'll tell
688you what I had a bit of a bit of a
689fetish going on because I I want to put
690up shelves all the time now I'm enjoying
691it so much but yet many people I talk to
692hate the fact or hate the feeling of
693going to talk to strangers hate it so
694much because they look at it as a
695challenge that they don't have the
696skillful results a confidence
697is my favorite word is
698where we're going to talk to somebody if
699we have an expectation of what's going
700to happen if I had an expectation those
701shells were going to be brilliant I
702would have been screwing because I'll
703they weren't going they didn't go great
704I was drilling holes in all the wrong
705places
706stairs dust all over my face it was just
707a mess but you know the image on the box
708like you sort of look at the box feet
709that looks good and then you lower it
710and then the shelves alright that would
711have put me off I would have given up
712because I had that expectation that
713everything was going to go well lose the
714expectations when you played as a kid
715you didn't have expectations you just
716enjoyed reveling in the challenge you
717enjoyed the skill you enjoyed taking the
718risk so when I talk to people I don't
719look for the end result the end result
720means nothing because I could go and
721talk to somebody and they could smile
722naked laugh and I could come away
723thinking wow I did a good job there or I
724could go and smile and talk to somebody
725and they could scowl and I go wow I did
726bad there doesn't matter we don't know
727what sort of day they've been having I
728can't base that on Who I am as a person
729so what it really comes down to is
730taking action action is everything
731there's a
732Friedman said an ounce of action is
733worth four ton of theory and he's
734completely right here's why so when I
735think to myself and the greatest
736conversation is the live life we'll
737listen to me saying that and it will
738come down on its little cloud and see
739and say to me right he said you're the
740greatest conversation alive let's see
741how good you are now and it put me in
742position so I've got to have
743conversations with people I might be on
744the tube I might be on the subway I
745might be in the line in the coffee shop
746lives putting all these opportunities
747for me to talk to people if I step up
748and I take the conversation and I do it
749and I open my mouth and I go oh I've
750taken action even though it could have
751not been done better yes it could but I
752took the action and the action gives me
753a link of chain every time I take action
754I get another link of chain every time I
755don't take action chain breaks don't
756break the chain so what you need to do
757is find something you want whether it's
758better to be the best soccer player
759whether it's to be able to squat 100
760kilograms whether it's to just have a
761conversation with that girl in the
762coffee shop
763whatever it is life will hear you when
764you want it and it will put you in a
765position when you can take action the
766result is meaningless sometimes you'll
767get a result that you enjoy you know
768that girl might smile or she might give
769you a number you might lift 100
770kilograms that's great the world patted
771you on the back then and that's nice
772when that happens but that's not
773consistent
774you can always pat your own back always
775that's what keeps you feeling good
776that's what keeps you feeling happy and
777when you're feeling that kind of
778happiness that's what comes out when you
779talk to people because it's the emotions
780you make them feel
781my 4 is this the homework I want to give
782you our homework or the plan of action I
783would give you is find something that
784you can play with sounds a bit rude no
785because we can overdo that know what I
786was going to say is the next time you're
787out in a situation and it could be out
788of this room it could be on the train
789home tonight it could be in the bar
790tonight it could be anywhere
791look for looks look at the room and
792think what could I do that's fun here
793what would make me laugh what would make
794you laugh it's not about making other
795people laugh it's about making you smile
796and do it so for me it's being on a
797train and and realizing I've got a
798bottle of vodka in my pocket but I've
799put water in it and thinking ok this
800would be fun to see if I can empty this
801entire train carriage unscrew the bottle
802say ok look around drink the vodka then
803put my hands over my eyes and go oh two
804people get up and leave good good this
805is good so far think it ok and behind my
806face and what how can how can I get them
807all to leave start crying
808Oh fall over the person next to you it's
809just Thomas what my record is five
810minutes so I urge you to give it a go
811and beat it you see it's not about
812confidence confidence is it's
813about not giving a damn now if I can
814express that and we're lucky we've got
815video here
816you can't express this in a book but not
817giving a damn really comes down to this
818it's like hey we should go and talk to
819those people and your action is me it's
820just a feeling of me if you get a good
821result great you get a bad result me
822it's not about going yeah this is going
823to go amazing
824it's it's about walking up and
825just dealing with what happens and
826whatever does happen know that you can
827deal with it and make it happy because
828life is going to throw you that stuff
829the world around you is going to throw
830stuff towards you to emotions towards
831you got to grab them take them be able
832to laugh at them and fray them back a
833good friend of mine is the next speaker
834connect with Sasha he told me a very
835good one in the coffee shop look for
836somebody who's about to take a sandwich
837what you do is you walk up not giving it
838up and as they leaned for their sandwich
839they reach towards it
840do your best brutally impression ah
841grab the sandwich they will feel shocked
842there will be the most terrifying
843sandwich they have ever grabbed in their
844entire life and they're being shocked
845and you talk to them straightaway and
846you said you know what that's the most
847terrifying sandwich you'll ever ever buy
848but it's good news because every
849sandwich you now buy will be a luxury
850the food will taste better it will be
851brilliant and they're like ah that's
852extreme but you're making them fill in
853emotion you're different from every
854other person in the room so for me
855charisma it's just communicating with
856emotion now there's ways to do that it's
857all about your belief it's knowing who
858you are that's the ultimate question who
859the heck are you and even then the
860answer isn't something you'd maybe have
861a words I could say my belief for myself
862Who I am is just that I'm cool or I'm
863awesome it could be but really do I even
864have to say that it's just about knowing
865I'm not going to look for evidence
866around me though because the world is
867chaotic place just as I looked at my
868hand and you see this perspective and I
869see this perspective everything that
870happens when I talk to people however I
871look at it determines what evidence I
872take from it so whatever our belief is
873in our self it needs evidence to exist
874if we don't have that evidence
875you know if you've ever looked in the
876mirror and said I'm cool and awesome and
877then three weeks later you're not
878feeling cool and awesome because you've
879got no evidence for it but the world is
880too chaotic to get the evidence I think
881it's great when it happens and you get
882that great run you talk to everyone and
883they love you and it's brilliant but
884it's not always going to happen you're
885going to have those bad spells as well
886so it's up to you to create the evidence
887for yourself by how you interpret the
888world when it occurs so I guess what I'm
889trying to say is this you're your own
890best teacher the reason you're your own
891best teacher is the stuff that you find
892out the problems that you encounter when
893you find out the solution to them you
894own that knowledge everything I found
895out I've had to find out pretty much
896firsthand but it comes part of me
897because of that in doing so in finding
898what it is the solutions to your
899problems
900in being your own best teacher you
901become congruent with it you own that
902knowledge and that's what causes the
903change in you that's what causes us to
904all develop life is about learning and
905growing so the play that I ever do I
906learn from it and I grow from it
907and I always enjoy it conversations for
908me aren't stressy they aren't horrible
909anxiety occurs I still get it I love it
910but rather than trying to blast through
911it why would I do that I'd rather just
912get addicted to it so that's exactly
913what I do if I feel that uncomfortable
914feeling in my tummy I'm like awesome I'm
915going to revel in it I'm going to turn
916the volume up in it I'm going to make it
917even worse so when I'm drinking that
918bottle of vodka on the train that's
919making my tummy go even worse that's
920making my toes curl
921it's the people that are self-amused to
922have the most fun the risk is though the
923fear of looking insane because you think
924okay if I act like a kid again if I'm
925playful if I slide down banisters if I
926start enjoying myself what are other
927people going to think doesn't matter
928what they think whatever anyone thinks
929is it's what you think so I'm
930going to open the floor to questions
931you've been a great audience any
932questions yes sir the orange is were you
933listening the orange is your breakfast
934well what the orange symbolizes is the
935juice that comes out the orange yeah and
936you you have emotions right but in
937orange is an orange you can be whatever
938fruit you want to be that sounds a bit
939kinky yeah okay what's the difference
940between charisma infuse as and
941enthusiasm
942I think enthusiasm is reveling in the
943challenge I'm thinking you're going to
944apply your skill to something you can be
945enthusiastic picking up a shelf you can
946be enthusiastic digging a hole charisma
947is about interacting with people about
948being emotionally contagious
949now infuse years and does create
950emotions in yourself and they do rub off
951but for me my my overlooker charisma is
952well it's actually seven parts it's not
953always convenient in we're seven but
954it's your belief your attitude to life
955your spontaneity that's not running out
956of things to say your charm
957which is how you make people feel in
958your presence your actual presence also
959your ability to connect to people and
960lastly your conversation skills in terms
961of rhetoric so your ability to influence
962as you speak so I hope that helps so for
963me enthusiasm is more about if you're
964going to jump into something so if I see
965that situation where oh god that's
966somebody I can go and talk to
967yep let's give it a go of course that's
968going to carry off some emotion as I go
969yes sir okay extra question sir you're
970you're saying how can you start getting
971evidence for yourself
972they are awesome rather than waiting for
973the world to tell you that you're
974awesome again it comes down to how you
975look at the world if you want to do it
976straight away
977it's it's looking for the best
978everything so in the situation I gave in
979the talk where the Ferrari is pulling
980along our perspective generally is who's
981this guy who's just cut in front of
982everyone and now he's using the space of
983the ambulance but if we can be objective
984and say we know what from another
985perspective it could be that that guy's
986just in a mad rush and you know there's
987no problem at all so a way I look at it
988is this negative emotions are great
989everyone says I'll be positive yeah
990positive emotions are also as well but
991you're born with negative emotions for a
992reason for starters it's work or humor
993comes from you know if we had no
994negative emotions comedy would be boring
995as the trick though is to turn the
996negative stuff when it happens into a
997positive so the way I love doing that is
998playing that game from the Pollyanna
999book is just thinking that's great
1000because for example I step outside and
1001it starts pouring with rain ah that's
1002great I could do over shower I don't had
1003one for a few days or let's say
1004something more extreme happens let's say
1005I'm unfortunate enough to get my leg
1006blown off could happen hopefully not in
1007this stage it would be a bit of a death
1008trap if it would but let's say I lose my
1009leg and I hope I hope I do keep it but
1010if it disappears oh well at least my
1011trousers last twice as long now or do
1012you know what I'm gonna have the most
1013convincing pirate impression you've ever
1014seen
1015I just need to lose this for a hook so
1016it's how I interpret the world that
1017keeps me upbeat and happy
1018it's nice when the world Pat's us on the
1019back at you know it is but that's all
1020fickle we can have a really nice sports
1021car but then that could be taken away
1022from us we can have lots of money in the
1023bank and that can disappear the only
1024thing you have any consistency over
1025Israel reaction so focus on how you're
1026reacting to the world when it gives you
1027stim stimulus you know the world is
1028affecting you and the world around you
1029is affecting you when you feel an
1030emotion to something so if you're stuck
1031in traffic and you fill in emotion
1032that's the world around you affecting
1033you when you feel that emotion how you
1034going to deal with it how are you going
1035to make that emotion as happy as
1036possible can you turn it into again can
1037it be fun can it be like I do you know
1038what I'm late for this meeting but check
1039me out do my own thing turning up the
1040radio or you can just go oh my god I'm
1041going to be late for this meeting
1042there's nothing you can do about it and
1043the fear exists in the future stuff that
1044hasn't happened yet or certain this
1045exists in the past and all happiness
1046exists right now in this moment and
1047that's the only thing you own is just
1048the moment being aware of everything
1049that's going on and enjoying every damn
1050minute of it you'll know if you can do
1051that or not if you can enjoy the moment
1052go somewhere that's completely boring go
1053to a room with four white walls and sit
1054in there and if you can be happy on your
1055own in that room then you've cracked it
1056you've mastered it now that I think
1057about it a lot of insane people get put
1058in four walls home wait a minute there's
1059a bit of correlation yes are there what
1060about the the classic kind of a
1061charismatic bad boy type character with
1062you know sort of been and reactive and
1063that kind of thing sure if you're that
1064sort of persona if you're a bit of a
1065bird boy is that person first of all two
1066questions is that person making the
1067person he's speaking to fill in emotion
1068and - is he dealing with the emotions
1069they come as they come towards him and I
1070think the answer in both cases is yes
1071so for example he knows who he is in the
1072world doesn't give a damn it's just
1073himself my intention is to always try
1074and lead people better off than you meet
1075them but you know he goes in chess to
1076somebody gives the girl butterflies
1077maybe and then you know she gives him a
1078slap I don't know
1079she's just unreactive to it so he's
1080deciding how he's going to filter the
1081emotions when they get given to him yes
1082sir you mentioned your book earlier on
1083what's it called and where can you get
1084it from okay
1085I'm a terrible marketer so if I was
1086better I'd be selling that and going and
1087you can buy my 89 DVD set but my book is
1088free and it's from my website your
1089charisma coach calm and that will tell
1090you all the techniques that I used to
1091become a better conversation list but
1092the emotions are everything conversation
1093and the ability to talk to people it's a
1094bit like a water slide the flume allows
1095the water to go down the slide right and
1096that's the conversation the water itself
1097is the emotion if you've got a slide
1098with no water you get a really sore bum
1099or if you've got the water a no slide
1100that's called a waterfall so the ability
1101to connect to people you need the
1102conversation to a point because it
1103allows you that that channel of
1104communication the emotion you then put
1105down it is everything fill that emotion
1106yourself first
1107so guys it's been an absolute pleasure
1108thank you very much
1109
1110
1111
1112
1113and for a long time you know if you look
1114for history people struggle with what is
1115charisma we will recognize it it's like
1116the taste of water we will recognize it
1117but it's very difficult to explain what
1118it is if you're not interesting that's
1119okay right
1120I would examine why you feel you know
1121why someone might feel that way about
1122themselves what's more important is that
1123you're interested in the other person by
1124delighting in that other person it
1125allows them to relax
1126hello cells they show that I am will
1127Baron host of the salesmen podcast and
1128on today's episode we have Marcus Oakley
1129and genuinely today's show give me a lot
1130of food for thought
1131because editing this show back I saw
1132myself a markers side-by-side on the
1133video and it was really interesting to
1134me because the day show is all about
1135charisma and how we can manipulate it
1136how some of it comes from within but
1137have some of it comes from hacks and
1138tactics and tools which we get onto in
1139the show and it was very interesting to
1140me to see the difference between Marcus
1141and the the charismatic charisma coach
1142on one side of my editing monitor and
1143then myself on the other kind of hunched
1144over scribbling notes down looking bits
1145of paper adjusting volumes on the mixer
1146which sits over here if you're watching
1147this on YouTube and it was very
1148interesting to see how uncharismatic I
1149am on video
1150I knew this already and I knew something
1151I wanted to work on but it was only with
1152the side by side footage that I think
1153it's something that's going to become a
1154serious priority for me so Marcus I
1155thank you for that and I will probably
1156be chasing you up for some coaching or
1157training or something we can make
1158something happen on that front I'm sure
1159so yeah I genuinely bought Intel from
1160that Marcus said on the episode I
1161thought there's a lot of value in there
1162and it's something that I'm gonna be
1163listening back to myself to have a think
1164about and to look at some of the ways I
1165can implement some of the tactics and
1166tools that we mentioned into my video
1167recordings with you on the podcast I
1168think it's a life improvement and a
1169skill on its own that helps in sales who
1170doesn't wanna listen to interact we
1171haven't spent time with that
1172as Matic guy or girl we all know them
1173there's always one generally in the
1174sales force but of course it makes a
1175difference in your relationships with
1176your single or whether your trainer you
1177know build a closer bond with the man or
1178woman in your life it's just super
1179important and it's integral to to almost
1180every human interaction that we have so
1181I feel like I've built up some tension
1182in this intro but the episode is totally
1183worth it you can find out more about
1184Marcus over at your charisma coach com
1185he's got a YouTube channel which I'll
1186link to in the show notes it has loads
1187of content and with that all said let's
1188jump into today's episode hey Marcus and
1189welcome to the salesman podcast hey
1190thanks for having me you are more than
1191welcome so today we're going to talk
1192about clearly charisma and it's
1193something that really intrigues me it's
1194something that I've not quite got my
1195fingers wrapped round yet and so I'm
1196really tree to get a whole bunch of
1197knowledge from you and I want to put in
1198perspective because um my girlfriend
1199unlocked her part I'm gonna be over now
1200forever forever most likely she would
1201attest to this as well but in some
1202situations certain certain situations I
1203have been charismatic I I'm great flirt
1204I'm great from that perspective
1205especially my young years of you know
1206talking to picking up to use that
1207horrible term women and and
1208situationally that's never been a
1209problem for me whatsoever however in the
1210workplace I've always been a bit of a
1211weird had a weird angle on this from
1212trying to be corporate trying to be
1213charismatic and sometimes it works
1214sometimes it doesn't and then we get to
1215the podcast well I think I'm terribly
1216uncharismatic in a lot of ways and I
1217think this is most likely because I'm
1218writing stuff down I'm talking to the
1219guest I'm trying to you know gauge the
1220reactions I'm leading the conversations
1221in directions and monitoring audio and
1222just off-screen here there's a there's a
1223mixer that I'm mixing things down in
1224between the conversations and all this
1225kind of stuff so I've got loads of stuff
1226going on and so I feel that affects how
1227charismatic I can consciously put myself
1228across to be so we want to start with
1229this Marcus
1230thrown all that at you is charisma a
1231conscious step-by-step process that when
1232you walk into room you're put into place
1233or is it a subconscious thing that we
1234all have that we all get in the way of
1235and so that's the the thing we need to
1236break back well first of all what a
1237great question I think you're working in
1238sales
1239having charisma and being able to unlock
1240your charisma is really gonna give you
1241the edge now before I answer that
1242question I think it's really important
1243we define what charisma is um you know
1244my definition of what charisma is and
1245for a long time you know if you look for
1246history people struggle with what is
1247charisma will recognize it it's like the
1248taste of water we will recognize it but
1249it's very difficult to explain what it
1250is so my definition that I work from is
1251charisma is your ability to evoke
1252emotions in other people whilst making
1253them feel comfortable and safe so we all
1254have that ability we all have the
1255ability to make people feel emotions and
1256as will be a developing a skill and in
1257this case it's it's kind of a paradox
1258because this skill of developing
1259charisma isn't about learning lots of
1260lines focusing on certain things
1261it's about unblocking yourself so you
1262hit the nail on the head there when you
1263know sometimes you get in the way so
1264it's all about just not being in the way
1265and allowing your true essence your true
1266self you know that really annoying bit
1267of advice that people give you just be
1268yourself
1269allowing the true self just to shine
1270through now when we're developing a
1271skill when we're developing that
1272unblocking we go through four or five
1273stages and some of your listeners me
1274I've already come across these but the
1275first stage is when we don't know where
1276we're rubbish at it when we don't know
1277we suck and that is called unconscious
1278incompetence we just don't know
1279we you know we can't do it so if you
1280imagine driving a car and you're a
1281little kid for example you don't know
1282you can't drive yet then we get to the
1283next level I remember when I took my
1284first driving lesson and I realized I
1285was a bad driver you know I was a
1286reversing backwards and forwards
1287kangaroo in down the road and that's
1288when I had conscious incompetence you
1289know I knew now here was something I
1290wasn't good at now as we start to invest
1291time
1292this area and you know examine how we
1293can allow ourselves to shine through
1294then we reach a stage of when we're
1295thinking about we can kind of get it
1296right and that's conscious competence
1297that's when we really have to you have
1298to think about it but it all kind of
1299clicked so you know I remember driving
1300my car and my driving instructor next to
1301mean he turned the radio on and I'm like
1302how can you listen to the radio all this
1303stuff's going on at the same time
1304because he was up the level above that
1305which is unconscious competence that's
1306when it just flows it just clicks some
1307people even get to the fifth level which
1308is conscious unconscious competence so
1309that's when you're in that state of free
1310flow you're not thinking about it but if
1311somebody just turn the music off and
1312said hey what are you doing right now
1313you can then break it down and that's
1314the level of teachers that's love with
1315mastery but just to get to that third or
1316fourth level to go from you know
1317realizing that you're not very good to
1318just doing a few little things that
1319gonna make the difference that might
1320make you come across slightly different
1321that might close that sale you know very
1322small things sometimes can have a huge
1323impact on your life so to answer your
1324question succinctly it really is all of
1325those it depends where you are on that
1326ladder and in certain environments you
1327might be in a bar or you might be in a
1328boardroom and you find that you are just
1329in your element there you're comfortable
1330usually when you're comfortable you're
1331unblocked now what happens is if
1332somebody else walks into that
1333environment if you're in a loud
1334environment for example this may seem
1335unusual but my my default is I'm an
1336introvert I actually like you know
1337reading books and being away from all
1338the noise but if I go into a bar
1339environment and I'm also comfortable in
1340that environment but I had to learn that
1341to become unstable to become unblocked
1342so it can be that you can be really good
1343in one area one location and you move
1344and the context is slightly different
1345and you've just got to build your skill
1346up in that area as well
1347well let's go right to the bottom and
1348get really deeper this all of a sudden
1349in it and get to the crux of the matter
1350potentially so if it's all about being
1351your true self I think the words you use
1352then and we've talked on the show how
1353important it is to be your you know I'm
1354gonna do a quote see if anyone who's
1355listened to this just on the audio side
1356of things what your authentic self when
1357I hate these clike cliche
1358but they're important especially in the
1359corporate world where most salespeople
1360are you know talking a bit more like
1361this and got the corporate slide show
1362and and and it's horrible and it you
1363know there's no huge human connection
1364there and the conversations that you're
1365having what happens if your true self
1366isn't that interesting is that the
1367starting point do you have to become an
1368interesting person to be charismatic or
1369is that irrelevant well you know that's
1370again a great question here's my take on
1371it you know this this realm of charisma
1372is starting to get a bit of traction now
1373I've been doing this for 15 years and
1374it's only in the last few years that
1375people are starting to take a bit more
1376notice in corporate circles because
1377they're like hang on a minute there's
1378something here now there's a lot of
1379information out there of you know do X
1380technique do Y technique and these are
1381all kind of coming from this angle of
1382putting stuff on yourself giving
1383yourself techniques that really aren't
1384your true self now if you're not
1385interesting that's okay right
1386I would examine why you feel you know
1387why someone might feel that way about
1388themselves what's more important is that
1389you're interested in the other person
1390rather than trying to be interesting
1391being interesting is great it will draw
1392people to you it'll create a bit of an
1393aura but some of the most charismatic
1394people in the world aren't loud they're
1395actually very quiet they walk into a
1396room in stillness and he turn the air to
1397electricity and it's not because of what
1398they're saying it's because of what's
1399going on inside them so as long as you
1400you know we were talking about like the
1401cliche phrases but as long as you enjoy
1402being you your relationship with you
1403that's the most important if you our
1404relationship with you is our don't feel
1405interesting I feel a bit boring then
1406that is what's going to deflate you if
1407you actually love being you and you
1408paint garden gnomes for fun or you you
1409know you haven't really what would can
1410be considered a dull hobby you can still
1411be a very interesting person but the
1412trick is to all the focuses to put your
1413awareness on the other person rather
1414than worrying about what's getting on
1415side your head so this is an angle that
1416I've never really thought about before
1417but is someone who's charismatic then is
1418the skill that people want to be around
1419you because perhaps they forget about
1420themselves for a minute
1421and if they can absorb if they if they
1422can suck some value from you in that
1423you're happy you're confident you can
1424tenth then there's value in it for them
1425yeah I mean there's different types of
1426charisma there's a charisma for example
1427if you're walking on stage and you're
1428presenting but you know just like when
1429you're watching a really good TV show or
1430a movie I'm not gonna mention Game of
1431Thrones but I'm kind of knee deep enough
1432we can we could talk about game roads
1433I've totally into it as well it's good
1434for it here we are in the middle of
1435season six when we listen back to this
1436several years we should probably know
1437what prerequisite this just in case
1438there's any spoilers for people to to
1439pause and come back perhaps I'm not
1440gonna I'm not gonna mention any spoilers
1441but you know when you watch a TV show
1442that you really enjoy you go to the
1443movie or you listen to some music you
1444get lost in it you become you know
1445you'll miss switch off the conscious
1446mind turns off and then what happens is
1447you you you become absorbed and you
1448enjoy it so if you're watching a really
1449good sales presentation they're you know
1450sales people we all hate being salted
1451right but when you're watching a great
1452presentation it doesn't feel like you're
1453being salty you're just enjoying it I
1454think that's where Steve Jobs really
1455excelled with his keynote speeches and
1456when you're you're chatting to somebody
1457or you meet somebody and you're
1458delighting in them and I think that's
1459the key here you delight in that other
1460person you look at them and you think
1461what do I love about this person what I
1462really love about them and you bask in
1463it and you enjoy it then what that has
1464well that does is it sub communicates
1465that first well you're very comfortable
1466in your skin but by by delighting in
1467that other person it allows them to
1468relax so a mentor of mine is a guy
1469called eagle at a hockey who's an
1470amazing hypnotist you may have come
1471across his work
1472highly recommended he has the principle
1473of go first set the expectation you want
1474others to follow so if you want your
1475prospect to feel absolutely comfortable
1476it's very important that you feel
1477absolutely comfortable and in doing so
1478you sub communicate that that's how
1479they're going to behave as well and most
1480the time they slip into that there are
1481exceptions if they've got a very strong
1482dominant personality but there's a ways
1483around that as well
1484okay let me throw this out there before
1485we enter any deeper into this Marcus is
1486is charisma built upon tips techniques
1487hacks or as we've been talking about so
1488far is there is the hack to be
1489interested in other people and these
1490more internal things that you have to
1491you can't just switch on and off right
1492well it's a mixture now it depends what
1493stage of your learning you're going
1494through if you are starting out and you
1495haven't got you know you're not really
1496sure you don't really have a roadmap in
1497front of you then it's very useful to
1498start absorbing techniques trying out
1499tips because they give you reference
1500points there's this whole idea of fake
1501it till you make it
1502now I don't like that phrase because I
1503don't think you should be fake but if
1504you do something that you've never tried
1505before and I'll give you an example of
1506this when I was getting my car serviced
1507the mechanic threw through my keys at me
1508and then leant forward and shook my hand
1509and gave me a little wink like this did
1510a little cheeky wink and I'll admit
1511right it made me feel an emotion it was
1512like whoa and a very big secret to learn
1513is if you want to if you want to improve
1514what you're doing and your ability to
1515connect with people anytime anyone does
1516anything around you that causes you to
1517fill in an emotion steal it
1518try it out yourself so the mechanic you
1519know you shoot my hand gave me a week
1520and I was like oh feel a bit different
1521there so I tried that out for the next
1522week every time I met somebody I'd shake
1523their hand give them a little cheeky
1524wink as well now that fitted very well
1525on my personality gave me a new way to
1526express myself but for example that
1527technique might not work so well on
1528somebody else because they're not really
1529comfortable winking at people you know
1530you know what it doesn't necessarily
1531come across in the same way so it's very
1532good to have this attitude of try new
1533things out because they give you new
1534reference points they give you new
1535experiences to express yourself and if
1536it works you know Bruce Lee start keep
1537it if it doesn't don't worry about it
1538get rid of it so in that sense everyone
1539around you is a wonderful teacher
1540as you progress as you go further on
1541this journey and you know I started out
1542as someone who's very quiet very shy as
1543I said it was introvert
1544and I you know I didn't have a huge
1545circle of friends I you know I wasn't
1546the like button soul of the party as I
1547learned you know I put techniques into
1548Pratt's I tried it out I put in the
1549hours and and found out what worked what
1550didn't but now coming full circle I
1551realized that at some point it becomes
1552just principles those principles are
1553things that really you know then the
1554little differences that make the big
1555differences and the biggest secret of
1556all is your relationship with yourself
1557now if you're selling charisma the
1558majority of the audience may not want to
1559go on that journey yet they may just
1560want to have a bite-sized chunk okay
1561give me one technique that I can use to
1562you know change the relationship with
1563somebody and it's so it's based on your
1564your um your own progress in your own
1565goals so yeah ultimately it does come
1566down to your relationship for yourself
1567but most of what's being taught out
1568there is timming so for anyone listening
1569who's perhaps slightly skeptical at the
1570moment and of course they shouldn't be
1571and I'm sorry bought into all this what
1572would be one of those bite-sized chunks
1573that they could try which would then
1574turn things around and put things into
1575perspective for them write me a check
1576for 50,000 pounds no okay so one of the
1577techniques you can use in fact it's a
1578principle is imagine when you you go and
1579pick somebody up from the airport like a
1580family member or something like that
1581you see people waiting outside the
1582arrivals gate you know you get the
1583people holding the taxi signs there but
1584you were to get the family members
1585sometimes they got flowers on one off
1586and their relative or a long-lost
1587relative whoever it is comes through the
1588gate and you see their faces light up
1589and they throw their arms around each
1590other and they're like you know today
1591they have that embrace and happy and
1592then they kind of take a breather and
1593then whoever it is picks up the luggage
1594and they walk to the car and then
1595they're out of that now that's a very
1596elegant description of beautiful
1597charismatic connections forming here's
1598what I mean when you wear most people
1599have very boring logical conversations
1600we do that because when we're growing up
1601when we're you know when we're I don't
1602know 9 or 10 we're playful having
1603lots of fun and then as we get older
1604we're trying to fit in and we doubt
1605ourselves a lot we stop taking risks and
1606we stop being on our best behavior and
1607get really boring and then sometimes if
1608we're very lucky we realize we're being
1609boring and we break out of it now when
1610you meet somebody for the first time
1611let's say you are you're buying what's
1612your favorite coffee shop or a tea shop
1613that you go to there's a Starbucks
1614around the corner so it's told like
1615Starbucks is a class so you walk into a
1616Starbucks you can just order your coffee
1617in the normal way you know how you can I
1618have a coffee please
1619great and let's say you go for a little
1620bit of extra conversation how is your
1621day today
1622good how's your day yeah good good and
1623it's really mundane you're on your best
1624behavior that kind of speech that kind
1625of exchange is called Phatak speech it's
1626the kind of dialogue that we share with
1627one another just to make sure that we're
1628both alive now Phatak speech changes all
1629the way around the world if if I say for
1630example in in America you know I greet
1631somebody in the English way your I you
1632know they may respond depending on what
1633part of America it is
1634yeah I am okay you know I'm fine what's
1635up but if we say that in a certain part
1636of England you're right is a greeting
1637likewise in in America if we say like no
1638how you doing so yeah good you asked
1639that back in the certain parts of
1640England how you doing yeah I'm fun
1641what's up so these little signals that
1642we send out to each other phallic
1643speeches empty conversation it's just to
1644make sure we're both part of the same
1645tribe now going back to Starbucks we
1646exist in a place where we're always
1647exchanging Phatak speech it gets really
1648boring if you can stir that up a bit if
1649you can spike the emotions that you
1650experience with somebody you'll set
1651yourself different you'll set yourself
1652apart from every other person in the
1653room you'll make yourself completely
1654different so if you walk up for example
1655and you know you say hey I'm just just
1656you know this is a robbery I'm gonna
1657steal all the coffee here today you will
1658have a different kind of conversation
1659you will build tension up in the
1660conversation to begin where could you
1661say hey this is a robbery still all the
1662coffee or you might do it you might do
1663the same complete different you might
1664say you congratu
1665patience you get to set up me today
1666array that again will cause that
1667emotional spike now in the airport let's
1668go back to that example natural
1669conversations when you see your friends
1670you throw your arms are up on them you
1671shake their hands whatever if you do it
1672too much it gets really annoying you
1673imagine cut you know I'd love to see
1674this scene you come about the airport
1675and they're just hugging each other or
1676not hey how you doing ray are so good to
1677see you
1678and yeah I'm great conversation kind of
1679just gets labored very quickly or if
1680they see children they're just like hi
1681yeah hi it's like those people have got
1682problems in their relationship because
1683there's no emotion being expressed
1684so the joy the secret is make the other
1685person just feel a little bit of emotion
1686and then let it go and you do that by
1687taking risks you do that by going first
1688what is the line here between because
1689the the Starbucks side of things I
1690totally get that is what I'm good at
1691I'm good at making people smile then you
1692know trends transferring that into a
1693conversation which keep them going
1694clearly this is what I do all day on the
1695podcast essentially a 5-10 minute chat
1696get to know the guests very slightly and
1697then obviously build that relationship
1698throughout the show itself so I'm
1699reasonably good at that where is the
1700line then between and and the way you
1701described it I would say if I was to
1702describe someone I it was doing that
1703perhaps wouldn't use the word
1704charismatic I might say that they're a
1705bit cheeky or fawn and know from that
1706very small example words the line
1707between that and the person who walks
1708into the room who's just incredibly you
1709know they walk in the room everyone
1710turns around and looks at them then this
1711weird moment where everyone's going I
1712just want to go and talk to that dude or
1713that lady and then and then whether you
1714do or not you probably maybe you forget
1715about the rest of the night but there's
1716that there's like a gripping moment
1717there and I just slightly more context
1718to this the last company I worked out
1719there was a guy there he'd been in the
1720company for say 30 years he it was a
1721medical device company he knew all the
1722surgeons from when they were like 18
1723going through university to become
1724doctors and then through all the
1725surgical training and they all loved him
1726like he's a like a big on call and
1727he was a salesperson but he'd gone that
1728extra levels to build rapport with the
1729mother and he knew all about the
1730families and all that kind of thing but
1731there was something special about him I
1732could never sauce this out and it goes
1733beyond that kind of be able to strike up
1734a conversation and make people smile and
1735it was a magnetism and that's how I
1736that's how I always seen charisma as
1737this guy since then is it just the the
1738cheeky the making people smile is all is
1739it just that stacked on top of loads of
1740other things that creates that end
1741product after 30 years of working on all
1742this right so from my experience well if
1743we look at that example that was just
1744one thing to to go out and play with
1745that's just one little building block
1746there's other building blocks as well
1747now you know there is the it's beautiful
1748you know when you you unblock yourself
1749and you if you flow that that is what I
1750think is when you achieve the level of
1751mastery when you're it's an artful so
1752certain areas you can focus on in
1753unlocking certain areas you can focus
1754your attention on and thinking right
1755going to spend time for example
1756developing my ability to make people
1757feel emotions so that's part of it
1758but that's not all of it another thing
1759might be right I'm going to focus on my
1760appearance what am I wearing because
1761that's going to create impact another
1762thing might be right I'm going to focus
1763on how I raise and lower my status
1764around people and that's gonna be
1765another thing so from my from my
1766perspective it's about ticking as many
1767of those boxes as you can and you can
1768either do it all in one go by completely
1769unblocking yourself liberating yourself
1770and just being free or you can just be
1771very logical in your approach which is
1772also great and that's when you just be
1773very systematic and you go through you
1774think right well you know what I am very
1775chatty I've got great conversation but
1776where am i lacking a bit here maybe I
1777need to so you know maybe I need to buy
1778a good pair of shoes or maybe you know
1779I'm walking into the room people aren't
1780noticing me right now well how many of
1781the people in the room do I already know
1782and if you know nobody well perhaps it
1783will be that you create a magic moment
1784with somebody you walk up to somebody
1785you have a conversation with and they
1786start laughing and other people slowly
1787start to notice it could be you know
1788there's this
1789presence when you walk in and people
1790take note as well what is your presence
1791like so that's another thing to focus on
1792I want to I would just want to interrupt
1793you there Marcus because you said
1794something about status then and I'm
1795conscious of time here but I think
1796that's definitely worth going over
1797because there'd be a lot of sales people
1798listening and I've been in this
1799situation where I'm dealing with
1800surgeons so the age of 23 I'm dealing
1801with a 55 year old big there's way
1802there's a guy local that I still speak
1803to now but he's a big gorilla alpha male
1804you know one of the best colorectal
1805surgeons in Europe and I like I'm really
1806welding but I had this weird back and
1807forth over status with him and it was it
1808was only after speaking to him about it
1809that he said essentially you need to
1810just forget about it and just be
1811yourself and that's how that's how he
1812likes you to be so it's coming into this
1813unblocking territory that we've been
1814talking about so far so is first off is
1815status do you have to be at the same
1816status of someone else if they're
1817perhaps seen socially as a high status
1818person than you to to have a charismatic
1819conversation with them or is it is that
1820not what this is about
1821well a fantastic question and you know
1822just before I go into that you know the
1823guy who's given you the advice there
1824he's coming from a place probably of
1825unconscious competence si si oh yeah
1826just be yourself just relax because yeah
1827he's right that is the answer you do
1828want to get to that place where you're
1829not thinking about the status
1830transactions you're having you know if
1831you're still five years from now if
1832you're still thinking about Shana's
1833transactions then you screwed up right
1834you you want to get to that point where
1835it just becomes natural now let's look
1836at the definition of status and this is
1837important many people get the idea of
1838social status and social value mixed up
1839now what I mean by that is let's take a
1840who's a famous celebrity who
1841let's take Tom Cruise right Tom Cruise
1842is a famous celebrity he's been in lots
1843of ælis movies he is somebody who's got
1844high social value in other words he can
1845exhibit his strength very easily his
1846power but he's also high state
1847he walks with his head held up high he
1848walks confidently now let's take another
1849celebrity who's got high social value
1850let's take Woody Allen high social value
1851Woody Allen is what I would consider low
1852status but high social value so he is
1853part of his act as well but he'll you
1854know his shoulders have been over he'll
1855he'd be humble he'll be meek as an
1856extreme they're both potentially very
1857charismatic and potentially very
1858powerful in the social sphere so status
1859is really your the way you're choosing
1860to communicate with somebody else high
1861status individuals usually have their
1862head up high and their body language is
1863low status your head is down low and
1864your body language is closed I look like
1865one of those hair commercials if you
1866watch this before anyway so that's the
1867first thing to determine now so let me
1868just clarify that so social status in
1869regards to charisma is less important
1870than social value okay so social value
1871is is really important social value is
1872you focus on you and making people feel
1873wonderful it's total social state this
1874is the way you do it okay I'll give you
1875an example of this right so when you
1876were at school did you ever have a
1877teacher who when they walked into the
1878room you would just be like on your best
1879behavior you'd be a bit scared almost
1880yeah dr. Knight his name was dr. Knight
1881I think it sounds cool what does a dr.
1882Knight so yeah I had a teacher like that
1883is why he was the history teacher mr.
1884Smith you walk in you just don't take in
1885the lesson right and you don't want to
1886make him a steak in front of that person
1887cuz they're stern did you ever have a
1888teacher who had no control of the class
1889pretty much all the rest of them yeah
1890right when I turn my back please promise
1891right that teacher was the one who had
1892no control the class is lower status
1893than the class the class realize they
1894have more dominance over the low status
1895teacher whether the first teachers
1896highest things now here's a this this
1897question not everyone can have a
1898reference point you but did you ever
1899have a teacher who everybody loved
1900everybody respected
1901and yet they behaved but they were
1902almost like they achieved that that when
1903they were almost best friends but they
1904still behaved well as well yeah for sure
1905we had mr. noble who at the time
1906everyone played this game called
1907counter-strike he used to play it as
1908well and he was a it was a beast at it
1909and so everyone respected the fact that
1910he was true everyone thought that he was
1911one of us
1912but in reality clearly he was he was
1913leverage in it as a tool perhaps and
1914talking about it purposefully or maybe
1915he wasn't maybe he was unconsciously
1916conscious of it that had the effect on
1917on the group so yeah we would all listen
1918to him because we thought that he was
1919one of ours rather than kind of
1920domineering over us right ok what that
1921teacher had the same magical quality I
1922had at each book mr. Wilson and mr.
1923Wilson was he had this magic balance
1924where he could be high status when he
1925wanted to lead he could be low status
1926when he was showing empathy and wanted
1927to listen now what I look like is I
1928remember walking into class late and the
1929first thing you did high-status he's
1930like I can't believe you're late you
1931know finger pointing this is face days
1932Oh what do you know you're supposed to
1933be on time and then you know I'm like oh
1934god I'm in trouble
1935and then he do though oh I don't have be
1936mad at you I don't be angry and I've
1937been oh god I've upset him okay and so
1938you had this balance he could he could
1939lower his status he could you'll see
1940when you're flying on a plane
1941hopefully not you're the pilot just be
1942at the front right but when you're on a
1943plane and the stewardess or the Stewart
1944comes and they ask you for your you know
1945what you're gonna have to where you're
1946ordering off the menu they will get down
1947to your level
1948they will crouch down they will lower
1949their status and what it does is it
1950creates that that comfort in you but for
1951example of the stewards like right
1952everyone's got to put on the lifejackets
1953really quick he's not gonna be getting
1954down like oh well would you put your
1955life jackets on he dominant right
1956so using that realizing that those
1957status transactions are there what you
1958can do is you can build influence with
1959people so if I want to lead people I'll
1960be high status if I want to listen to
1961them or lower my status I'm not attached
1962to being Eva high or low status yet in a
1963lot of self-improvement books and a lot
1964of training it's like
1965high-status is better than low status no
1966status is just status it's the de secret
1967is being both statuses as you need this
1968guy for example the high status guy sure
1969be low status when you listen to him but
1970maybe see if you can get him to jump
1971through your hoops a bit maybe say oh
1972can you just um just grab us that pen
1973please see if he does well that's
1974precisely how it ended up and it's
1975really it's really intriguing that you
1976pulled that out of it of he used to run
1977rings around everyone and all the other
1978reps and the rep that was on previous to
1979what I was doing on the on the territory
1980and it would be you know 2 o'clock on a
1981Saturday afternoon I need you to come in
1982I need you to bring this endoscope in
1983and we couldn't who's procedure I just
1984said to I'm not doing anything on
1985Saturday if you want it I'll come over
1986on a Friday and it was a compromise
1987there and I guess what what you're
1988alluding to here is it's the dynamic of
1989it that you are then I hate to use words
1990like this but you kind of in like
1991vibration and you're bouncing back and
1992forth and so that very deeper things and
1993builds rapport there yeah that's that's
1994it it's I you know first what I'm not
1995that doing that when you were in a
1996situation at work where somebody has the
1997same is the same level of clout as you
1998but they order you around you've ever
1999had that situation what you can do is
2000put conditions so for example if
2001somebody says right I need you to do all
2002those reports if you say yes you're at
2003their whim but if you say no then you're
2004not a team player
2005what you do is you put a condition on it
2006I say well I'll tell you what I'll do
2007that if you do X Y Zed report now if
2008they say they won't then guess what you
2009can turn around quite happily and say
2010well I'm not going to do this either but
2011if they say yeah then that's fine
2012because you make sure that your
2013condition serves you better than the
2014task you're doing for them yeah for sure
2015just on that point this works with
2016customers as well so you don't want to
2017be just to be a pushover with the people
2018that you're working with because then
2019tell me if I'm wrong here but they don't
2020value you as much as a partner as you as
2021you eluded to their markers of you as a
2022salesperson you want to be the
2023consultant you want them to value your
2024opinions and when you question them and
2025give advice you want them to take it on
2026board if everything you come out with
2027they go it's rubbish that that's
2028nonsense that's nonsense then you've
2029just you're not in that dynamic were the
2030paying attention to you and giving you
2031value so all they
2032brilliance it all is painting a far
2033clearer picture in my mind rather than
2034you just want to be the alpha male in
2035the room and then people will buy from
2036you because you're leading them there's
2037got to be a bit of pushing a push and
2038pull with all this it'll be a dance yeah
2039it's brilliant
2040Thanks there's you know that's one of
2041the you know I when I look at charisma
2042as a whole I have basically seven
2043pillars seven areas to focus on and one
2044of them is rhetoric or your your ability
2045to use your words to to grow those
2046dynamics to change the dynamic of the
2047conversation and in ways you've just
2048described and I think that's a great
2049aspect of using charisma using it to
2050influence people and sometimes it's not
2051about just being that you know alpha guy
2052walking on his knuckles sometimes it can
2053be very slight things that you do and
2054that's where the real the majesty of it
2055comes in so that's what I enjoy that
2056stuff well Marcus always tell us a
2057little bit about the the mask I see
2058you've got going on in a minute but I've
2059got a couple of questions I ask everyone
2060that comes on the show your first one
2061and I know you're not a quote on quote
2062sales professional you know I know
2063you're not working - b2b sales but
2064you'll have insights and all these I'm
2065sure first question who is the world's
2066greatest salesperson children kids you
2067can learn everything from kids no kids
2068they're not affected by social stigmas
2069they're not affected by how they should
2070behave
2071they're just free-flowing a happy child
2072I can sell you anything or hints so that
2073they are the best teachers a little
2074little kids right they're just they're
2075um they're unblocked so I would look to
2076them what are they doing what are they
2077doing on their happy why are they happy
2078your ability to be happy is what makes
2079other people happy
2080and if you find somebody who makes you
2081happy in your life you want to spend
2082more time with them and pay the money
2083okay next one over than your own what's
2084one book or resource that you'd
2085recommend the salesman podcast audience
2086right that's a good question - as a
2087general book to get started on I would
2088say how to win friends and influence
2089people is a bit of a classic I know you
2090know some
2091you listening would have already read
2092that if you have already read that and
2093you want to find something a bit extra
2094bothering my book I would recommend you
2095check out the book impro to the theater
2096by Keefe Johnston that's a fantastic
2097book it's written for actors to develop
2098their ability on stage to be more
2099authentic but there's a lot in that book
2100that's very useful for what you'll be
2101doing when you're selling to people as
2102well so it's a book that you would pick
2103up and approach it thinking right what
2104can this teach me interesting I'll check
2105that out myself it's a new one on me it
2106will code that in the show notes or at
2107salesmen don't read and last question if
2108you could go back in time and speak to
2109your younger self what would be the one
2110piece of advice you'd give him to help
2111him become better at sales really look
2112after your hair because it'll start to
2113fall out on our way advice for sales
2114then take it all too seriously make
2115every every sales call you have more
2116enjoyable for you than the other person
2117all right
2118always be having fun always be focusing
2119on the fun all right life is you know no
2120one gets out alive
2121at the end of the day so enjoy your time
2122here you want to be stuck doing
2123something you don't love so really focus
2124on how can I leave the person in front
2125of me better off than why I found them
2126wherever I sell to the monarch what can
2127I do to leave them slightly better off
2128or massively better off if you do that
2129you will be gold
2130you'll be platinum naturally so there we
2131go that is the most unique answer I
2132think we've ever had so that question I
2133really appreciate that and it puts a
2134different spin on usually its add value
2135do this Shelley out all these cliches of
2136sales and they usually revolve around
2137this concept of adding value but as you
2138told Melanie if you just if they were
2139even thing of a person on the other end
2140of the phone wants to tell you to piss
2141off but they've got a smile on the face
2142they're gonna remember you as the
2143charismatic salesperson that rang up and
2144then when you ring them up again six
2145weeks later with something else to
2146follow up with or you speak to one of
2147their colleagues you've left a nice
2148taste with them in that you know there's
2149so many and and I'm getting caught up in
2150this because it's something I'm really
2151passionate about in that everyone takes
2152corporate sales and b2b sales
2153way too seriously from the the
2154salesperson because they're constantly
2155getting hounded by their sales managers
2156it would get hounded by sales directors
2157and then of course it goes all the way
2158up to the people in charge who were
2159working quarter-to-quarter because the
2160shareholders aren't happy because this
2161isn't this and of course people lives
2162kind of wrapped up in it a little bit in
2163in that obviously you want to make a
2164living from it but I really like that
2165spin you put on it and I really
2166appreciate the answers that question
2167because it's fun
2168nothing really matters that much at work
2169it's never life or death and if it is
2170you're probably in the wrong job right
2171right apply that to all your life you
2172know it doesn't have to be the person
2173you're selling to it can be the person
2174on the street as you walk out your house
2175you say yeah you look great today you
2176know just add a little bit of shine to
2177them or add a bit of sparkle you'll feel
2178great and doing it yourself anyway so
2179it's kind of win-win brilliant Marcus
2180tell us a little bit about your
2181conversation masterclass and then the
2182book that which we can gags to on your
2183homepage as well yeah sure well I run a
2184conversation masterclass in London
2185that's a training where we take you out
2186into real-life environments to improve
2187your conversation skills your charisma
2188how you're coming across so we look at
2189your conversational choices as you speak
2190to real people we find out what you're
2191doing great where your body language can
2192be tighten up a bit how you're moving
2193through the conversations what you're
2194doing there because this classic
2195mistakes that everyone makes and my team
2196of trainers and I have traveled the
2197world for the last decade and a half
2198doing this and training are our clients
2199up so we run that workshop it's in
2200London it's well worth jumping on a
2201plane and coming out here I'll work with
2202you personally in my team will and
2203you'll leave with your skills
2204significantly upgraded amazing thank you
2205and oh the book as well if you think
2206well hang on a minute I don't know if I
2207what I come on a conversation
2208masterclass well good you're not now but
2209if you do want to find out a bit more
2210I've written a book that you can get
2211from my website and guess what it's free
2212you don't even have to pay for it how
2213good's is that so if you go over to your
2214charisma coach calm that's where the
2215book is enter your email details yeah
2216that's the catch and I'll send you the
2217book
2218it's a great book it will change what
2219you're doing it even if it improves what
2220you're doing by 5% how much is that
2221going to be working so the the training
2222is there under there if you look for
2223products or training and the book is
2224there on the landing page fantastic we
2225will link to both of them in the show
2226notes for anyone who is at the gym on a
2227treadmill or riding the bike at the
2228moment trying to scribble things down on
2229the back of the hand as they're
2230listening to this and Marcus a genuinely
2231appreciate a conversation today mate you
2232are more willing to come back on in the
2233not-too-distant future and to dive into
2234some of this a bit deeper because I
2235think I feel like we've only scratched
2236the surface and I genuinely think that
2237there's a lot of value for the audience
2238here both in business and just in life
2239in general
2240from both the perspective of perhaps
2241getting more things done be allowed to
2242have better conversations and
2243communicating back with the friends
2244family and colleagues but then as all
2245this came back to the end of the show
2246the fact that if it can make you happier
2247and more interesting internally then
2248this huge value there so I appreciate
2249that Marcus and I want to thank you for
2250joining us on the salesman podcast
2251thanks so much for having me I look
2252forward to the next time cheers well and
2253there we have it Marcus thank you for
2254joining me on the show I appreciate it I
2255appreciate your insights some really
2256good ones in there that I never heard or
2257literally never heard of before from a
2258charisma standpoint and so I appreciate
2259that
2260oh and thank you sails nation as always
2261for tuning in and massively appreciate
2262your time and I appreciate all the
2263feedback and sharing that you guys do as
2264well it means a lot to me it helps to
2265show grow and the bigger we get the
2266bigger bet I guess we can get on so I
2267appreciate that and with all that said
2268I'll speak with you all again tomorrow
2269you