5DA8xCeG

11
200:00:03,420 --> 00:00:06,270
3- Of such idle stockpiles,
4
52
600:00:06,270 --> 00:00:09,570
7which can only destroy and never create
8
93
1000:00:09,570 --> 00:00:13,730
11is not the only, much
12less the most efficient
13
144
1500:00:13,730 --> 00:00:15,363
16means of assuring peace.
17
185
1900:00:16,290 --> 00:00:18,620
20I speak of peace therefore,
21
226
2300:00:18,620 --> 00:00:23,620
24as the necessary, rational
25end of rational men.
26
277
2800:00:23,680 --> 00:00:26,650
29- They will be met with fire and fury
30
318
3200:00:26,650 --> 00:00:28,950
33like the world has never seen.
34
359
3600:00:28,950 --> 00:00:32,660
37- Why have we not been able
38to get together as a nation?
39
4010
4100:00:32,660 --> 00:00:35,110
42- Donald Trump says he
43admires Vladimir Putin.
44
4511
4600:00:35,110 --> 00:00:38,880
47- There is no collusion
48between me, and my campaign,
49
5012
5100:00:38,880 --> 00:00:40,090
52and the Russians.
53
5413
5500:00:40,090 --> 00:00:40,923
56- The trouble with our liberal friends
57
5814
5900:00:40,923 --> 00:00:42,470
60is not that they're ignorant,
61
6215
6300:00:42,470 --> 00:00:44,810
64it's just that they know
65so much that isn't so.
66
6716
6800:00:44,810 --> 00:00:46,710
69- Politics of division and resentment,
70
7117
7200:00:46,710 --> 00:00:49,690
73and paranoia has
74unfortunately found a home
75
7618
7700:00:49,690 --> 00:00:50,620
78in the Republican Party.
79
8019
8100:00:50,620 --> 00:00:53,910
82- To get that son of a bitch
83off the field, right now.
84
8520
8600:00:53,910 --> 00:00:56,850
87Out, he's fired.
88(crowd cheering)
89
9021
9100:00:56,850 --> 00:00:58,460
92Fired!
93
9422
9500:00:58,460 --> 00:00:59,700
96- Yes, we should deport them.
97
9823
9900:00:59,700 --> 00:01:00,690
100We should build a wall.
101
10224
10300:01:00,690 --> 00:01:02,210
104We should triple the border patrol.
105
10625
10700:01:02,210 --> 00:01:04,290
108- I think there's blame on both sides.
109
11026
11100:01:04,290 --> 00:01:06,800
112- He will be the voice
113of all us outsiders,
114
11527
11600:01:06,800 --> 00:01:09,700
117all us deplorables, all of us losers,
118
11928
12000:01:09,700 --> 00:01:11,750
121all of us morons.
122
12329
12400:01:11,750 --> 00:01:15,090
125- What difference at
126this point does it make?
127
12830
12900:01:15,090 --> 00:01:18,558
130- Which is why I alone can fix it.
131
13231
13300:01:18,558 --> 00:01:22,558
134(rapidly increasing heart beat)
135
13632
13700:01:25,450 --> 00:01:30,219
138(hard rock instrumental of
139"The Star-Spangled Banner")
140
14133
14200:01:30,219 --> 00:01:35,219
143(audience cheering)
144(audience applauding)
145
14634
14700:01:53,118 --> 00:01:54,779
148- Hey.
149
15035
15100:01:54,779 --> 00:01:56,238
152Hello!
153
15436
15500:01:56,238 --> 00:01:57,556
156Yes.
157
15837
15900:01:57,556 --> 00:01:59,446
160I just wanna thank you.
161
16238
16300:01:59,446 --> 00:02:00,798
164How's it going, man?
165
16639
16700:02:00,798 --> 00:02:02,297
168Hey, yes!
169
17040
17100:02:02,297 --> 00:02:03,180
172Yes.
173
17441
17500:02:03,180 --> 00:02:05,970
176Arizona, it's 115 degrees.
177
17842
17900:02:05,970 --> 00:02:07,097
180Holy shit.
181
18243
18300:02:07,097 --> 00:02:08,680
184(audience laughing)
185
18644
18700:02:08,680 --> 00:02:10,620
188- I am doing my new show, guys.
189
19045
19100:02:10,620 --> 00:02:12,250
192I wanted to write a show
193
19446
19500:02:12,250 --> 00:02:13,640
196that was gonna bring the country together,
197
19847
19900:02:13,640 --> 00:02:14,680
200something we could all laugh about,
201
20248
20300:02:14,680 --> 00:02:16,660
204so it's about politics,
205guns, and abortion.
206
20749
20800:02:16,660 --> 00:02:17,591
209There you go.
210
21150
21200:02:17,591 --> 00:02:18,424
213(audience cheering)
214
21551
21600:02:18,424 --> 00:02:19,257
217Yes!
218
21952
22000:02:21,000 --> 00:02:22,470
221Talking about politics
222in America right now
223
22453
22500:02:22,470 --> 00:02:25,743
226is like trying to organize an
227interracial hoedown in 1840.
228
22954
23000:02:27,230 --> 00:02:29,340
231I say, are you an abolitionist
232or you Dred Scott?
233
23455
23500:02:29,340 --> 00:02:30,720
236Well, take off the Nat Turner tee-shirt
237
23856
23900:02:30,720 --> 00:02:33,070
240or there shall be
241fisticuffs, you carpetbagger.
242
24357
24400:02:34,510 --> 00:02:35,700
245Yeah, joke number two sounds
246
24758
24800:02:35,700 --> 00:02:37,700
249like history homework, doesn't it, yeah.
250
25159
25200:02:38,730 --> 00:02:40,640
253Here's what bothered me
254about the last election.
255
25660
25700:02:40,640 --> 00:02:44,120
258I could not believe we
259were fighting each other
260
26161
26200:02:44,120 --> 00:02:45,563
263over these idiots.
264
26562
26600:02:46,780 --> 00:02:47,790
267Like, half of us wanted
268
26963
27000:02:47,790 --> 00:02:49,490
271this arrogant pantsuit-wearing robot.
272
27364
27400:02:49,490 --> 00:02:50,766
275I call her She-3PO.
276
27765
27800:02:50,766 --> 00:02:52,530
279(audience laughing)
280
28166
28200:02:52,530 --> 00:02:55,010
283And ladies why was she
284wearing those square jackets?
285
28667
28700:02:55,010 --> 00:02:56,894
288Was she running as Lego Hillary?
289
29068
29100:02:56,894 --> 00:02:59,894
292(audience laughing)
293
29469
29500:03:01,090 --> 00:03:02,230
296And then the other half wanted
297
29870
29900:03:02,230 --> 00:03:03,590
300this arrogant, orange, delusional,
301
30271
30300:03:03,590 --> 00:03:05,663
304Alzheimer's-ridden rodeo clown.
305
30672
30700:03:07,600 --> 00:03:09,546
308And that's why we were pissed at each?
309
31073
31100:03:09,546 --> 00:03:11,420
312People who are families were breaking up.
313
31474
31500:03:11,420 --> 00:03:13,020
316You guys do get that we get a new idiot
317
31875
31900:03:13,020 --> 00:03:15,020
320in four years, right?
321
32276
32300:03:15,020 --> 00:03:17,583
324You're gonna need your
325family to wipe you in 20.
326
32777
32800:03:19,900 --> 00:03:21,680
329Like, families are breaking
330up with Thanksgiving.
331
33278
33300:03:21,680 --> 00:03:23,090
334Is that who you voted for, Uncle Phil?
335
33679
33700:03:23,090 --> 00:03:24,830
338Is that who you, shut
339the fuck up, Grandma!
340
34180
34200:03:24,830 --> 00:03:27,288
343Is that who you voted for, Uncle Phil?
344
34581
34600:03:27,288 --> 00:03:28,310
347Well, if that's who you voted for,
348
34982
35000:03:28,310 --> 00:03:29,940
351hell, I hope you get hit by a gas truck.
352
35383
35400:03:29,940 --> 00:03:31,540
355That's right, Uncle Phil,
356and I hope you don't die.
357
35884
35900:03:31,540 --> 00:03:33,080
360I hope you're lyin' there
361and the truck driver's
362
36385
36400:03:33,080 --> 00:03:35,350
365gotta revive you, but
366he's got Ebola and AIDS.
367
36886
36900:03:35,350 --> 00:03:37,100
370That's what I hope happens, Uncle Phil.
371
37287
37300:03:37,100 --> 00:03:39,110
374I hope you get truck-driver Ebola.
375
37688
37700:03:39,110 --> 00:03:40,660
378Shut the fuck up, Grandma!
379
38089
38100:03:40,660 --> 00:03:41,493
382Hey.
383
38490
38500:03:43,655 --> 00:03:45,440
386I am not gonna shut up.
387
38891
38900:03:45,440 --> 00:03:47,533
390Uncle Phil gave you a kidney last year.
391
39292
39300:03:49,260 --> 00:03:51,793
394You want your Nazi
395kidney back, Uncle Phil?
396
39793
39800:03:52,920 --> 00:03:54,210
399Someone get me a box cutter
400
40194
40200:03:54,210 --> 00:03:55,910
403and some bathtub bourbon right now!
404
40595
40600:03:55,910 --> 00:03:56,910
407Yeah!
408
40996
41000:03:56,910 --> 00:03:57,960
411I'm gonna cut this kidney out.
412
41397
41400:03:57,960 --> 00:03:59,710
415I'm gonna go pee first, Uncle Phil.
416
41798
41800:04:03,250 --> 00:04:05,300
419I couldn't believe how we
420were treating each other.
421
42299
42300:04:05,300 --> 00:04:06,640
424And then this morning, I woke up happy
425
426100
42700:04:06,640 --> 00:04:08,140
428'cause I realized the comet
429
430101
43100:04:08,140 --> 00:04:09,800
432that's gonna destroy Humanity
433
434102
43500:04:09,800 --> 00:04:11,183
436is already on its way.
437
438103
43900:04:12,560 --> 00:04:14,520
440Oh, there's a giant rock coming, people.
441
442104
44300:04:14,520 --> 00:04:15,960
444Oh, yeah, it's happened
445five times in the past,
446
447105
44800:04:15,960 --> 00:04:16,793
449destroyed everything.
450
451106
45200:04:16,793 --> 00:04:18,520
453It's not God, God's
454not flippin' that rock.
455
456107
45700:04:18,520 --> 00:04:19,900
458Oh, you guys keep dancing on Sunday,
459
460108
46100:04:19,900 --> 00:04:22,203
462I'm gonna jack this place up.
463
464109
46500:04:23,410 --> 00:04:24,670
466You guys better start having sex
467
468110
46900:04:24,670 --> 00:04:25,790
470through a hole in a sheet again
471
472111
47300:04:25,790 --> 00:04:28,173
474or I'm gonna blow torch this place.
475
476112
47700:04:29,200 --> 00:04:31,326
478Only the Mormons are
479gonna survive this shit.
480
481113
48200:04:31,326 --> 00:04:33,966
483(audience applauding)
484(audience laughing)
485
486114
48700:04:33,966 --> 00:04:34,799
488No.
489
490115
49100:04:37,673 --> 00:04:38,830
492There is!
493
494116
49500:04:38,830 --> 00:04:42,150
496There is actually a giant rock
497in space right now in orbit,
498
499117
50000:04:42,150 --> 00:04:43,680
501and one day is gonna pound into the Earth,
502
503118
50400:04:43,680 --> 00:04:45,170
505and when it hits, it's gonna destroy
506
507119
50800:04:45,170 --> 00:04:48,356
509a million species instantly and Kanye.
510
511120
51200:04:48,356 --> 00:04:52,106
513(audience cheering)
514
515121
51600:04:52,106 --> 00:04:53,361
517I get it.
518
519122
52000:04:53,361 --> 00:04:54,897
521I know he earned it.
522
523123
52400:04:55,991 --> 00:04:57,370
525Then it's gonna set
526the atmosphere on fire,
527
528124
52900:04:57,370 --> 00:04:58,597
530and that's gonna burn until
531almost all of us are gone,
532
533125
53400:04:58,597 --> 00:04:59,790
535and the survivors are gonna have
536
537126
53800:04:59,790 --> 00:05:02,120
539to live in an impact winter for an eon,
540
541127
54200:05:02,120 --> 00:05:04,400
543till there's only three of us left:
544
545128
54600:05:04,400 --> 00:05:06,209
547two guys and a girl.
548
549129
55000:05:06,209 --> 00:05:07,320
551(audience whooping)
552
553130
55400:05:07,320 --> 00:05:08,850
555And you think they're
556gonna restart humanity,
557
558131
55900:05:08,850 --> 00:05:10,333
560but no, both guys are gay.
561
562132
56300:05:13,230 --> 00:05:14,780
564So, they're gonna kill the girl for food
565
566133
56700:05:14,780 --> 00:05:16,130
568and steal her skinny jeans.
569
570134
57100:05:19,110 --> 00:05:21,760
572And then slowly make their
573way to Boca Raton, Florida
574
575135
57600:05:22,800 --> 00:05:24,780
577where they're gonna live
578out their final gay days
579
580136
58100:05:24,780 --> 00:05:27,600
582wearing Speedos and shimmying
583to Katy Perry dance mixes
584
585137
58600:05:29,210 --> 00:05:30,543
587on a solar-powered iPod.
588
589138
59000:05:32,870 --> 00:05:34,210
591And when the last game man dies,
592
593139
59400:05:34,210 --> 00:05:35,270
595that'll be at for Humanity.
596
597140
59800:05:35,270 --> 00:05:38,920
599Everything we have done,
600everything we have built, gone,
601
602141
60300:05:38,920 --> 00:05:41,220
604just another grain of
605sand in an empty universe
606
607142
60800:05:41,220 --> 00:05:42,370
609full of useless effort.
610
611143
61200:05:44,140 --> 00:05:46,327
613And that's how I'm dealing
614with the election (chuckles).
615
616144
61700:05:49,150 --> 00:05:50,870
618Oh, come on, you know it was a bad one
619
620145
62100:05:50,870 --> 00:05:54,260
622when a planet-killing meteor
623is my optimistic plan.
624
625146
62600:05:54,260 --> 00:05:56,630
627(audience applauding)
628(audience whooping)
629
630147
63100:05:56,630 --> 00:05:57,850
632Oh, come on!
633
634148
63500:05:57,850 --> 00:05:59,350
636I don't care what side you're on,
637
638149
63900:05:59,350 --> 00:06:02,040
640and by the way, there's
641only one side: American.
642
643150
64400:06:02,040 --> 00:06:04,575
645That's the only side there is.
646
647151
64800:06:04,575 --> 00:06:09,575
649(audience applauding)
650(audience whooping)
651
652152
65300:06:09,880 --> 00:06:12,840
654But the last four people
655running for president, my God.
656
657153
65800:06:12,840 --> 00:06:14,410
659I could've picked four better candidates
660
661154
66200:06:14,410 --> 00:06:15,500
663by just throwing a tennis ball
664
665155
66600:06:15,500 --> 00:06:17,613
667into a severe trauma brain injury award.
668
669156
67000:06:19,030 --> 00:06:19,863
671Just chuck it in,
672
673157
67400:06:19,863 --> 00:06:22,230
675whoever goes, ball, and
676giggles, you're our candidate.
677
678158
67900:06:22,230 --> 00:06:23,063
680Come on out.
681
682159
68300:06:25,060 --> 00:06:26,090
684You got a good attitude.
685
686160
68700:06:26,090 --> 00:06:27,963
688You knew what a fuckin' ball was.
689
690161
69100:06:29,570 --> 00:06:31,043
692Come on, let's admit it.
693
694162
69500:06:31,043 --> 00:06:32,493
696Ted Cruz?
697
698163
69900:06:32,493 --> 00:06:33,677
700Ted Cruz?
701
702164
70300:06:33,677 --> 00:06:35,177
704- Whoa!
705- Ted Cruz!
706
707165
70800:06:36,640 --> 00:06:40,230
709Every man in this room
710knows a guy like Ted Cruz,
711
712166
71300:06:40,230 --> 00:06:42,140
714who just roams the
715Earth with this sentence
716
717167
71800:06:42,140 --> 00:06:43,650
719constantly playing in his head:
720
721168
72200:06:43,650 --> 00:06:45,290
723no one's gonna wipe a booger on me again,
724
725169
72600:06:45,290 --> 00:06:47,390
727no one's gonna wipe a booger on me again.
728
729170
73000:06:47,390 --> 00:06:48,936
731And if they do, I'm gonna tattle.
732
733171
73400:06:48,936 --> 00:06:49,769
735Nyah!
736
737172
73800:06:53,456 --> 00:06:55,380
739Then you had Hillary, who's
740got this wake of bodies
741
742173
74300:06:55,380 --> 00:06:56,723
744behind her, allegedly.
745
746174
74700:06:58,118 --> 00:06:58,951
748Allegedly!
749
750175
75100:07:00,210 --> 00:07:03,030
752Allegedly, I'm sayin' allegedly
753'cause I don't wanna die
754
755176
75600:07:03,030 --> 00:07:04,680
757in a suspicious one-car accident.
758
759177
76000:07:05,794 --> 00:07:09,564
761(audience applauding)
762
763178
76400:07:09,564 --> 00:07:10,764
765I know.
766
767179
76800:07:10,764 --> 00:07:13,066
769Yeah.
770(audience cheering)
771
772180
77300:07:13,066 --> 00:07:14,643
774I know.
775
776181
77700:07:14,643 --> 00:07:17,070
778They're gonna find me an empty parking lot
779
780182
78100:07:17,070 --> 00:07:18,493
782leaning against my car door,
783
784183
78500:07:19,400 --> 00:07:21,703
786trunk carpet fibers all over my body,
787
788184
78900:07:22,560 --> 00:07:25,253
790suicide note written in
791a language I don't speak.
792
793185
79400:07:26,350 --> 00:07:27,183
795Allegedly.
796
797186
79800:07:27,183 --> 00:07:28,023
799Allegedly!
800
801187
80200:07:30,210 --> 00:07:31,690
803And then you had Trump,
804who was pretty amazing.
805
806188
80700:07:31,690 --> 00:07:33,880
808He made it to the entire election
809
810189
81100:07:33,880 --> 00:07:37,810
812without finishing a fucking sentence.
813
814190
81500:07:37,810 --> 00:07:38,643
816It was insane.
817
818191
81900:07:38,643 --> 00:07:40,580
820Wrong, didn't happen,
821beautiful, best ever,
822
823192
82400:07:40,580 --> 00:07:41,853
825reciprocal.
826
827193
82800:07:44,700 --> 00:07:45,750
829Nobody peed on me.
830
831194
83200:07:45,750 --> 00:07:47,240
833Oh, oh, oh, that was almost a sentence.
834
835195
83600:07:47,240 --> 00:07:48,183
837Nice job, dude.
838
839196
84000:07:49,200 --> 00:07:50,050
841Yeah, we have a president
842
843197
84400:07:50,050 --> 00:07:51,390
845with no military experience
846
847198
84800:07:51,390 --> 00:07:54,113
849and no political experience,
850but he has jazz hands.
851
852199
85300:07:55,521 --> 00:07:59,198
854♪ When you're a Jet,
855you're a Jet all the way ♪
856
857200
85800:07:59,198 --> 00:08:00,480
859What is that?
860
861201
86200:08:02,463 --> 00:08:04,370
863And I have to be honest.
864
865202
86600:08:04,370 --> 00:08:05,810
867I feel bad for you Trump people
868
869203
87000:08:05,810 --> 00:08:07,150
871'cause you know damn well every time
872
873204
87400:08:07,150 --> 00:08:09,260
875that man heads towards a microphone,
876
877205
87800:08:09,260 --> 00:08:11,030
879you have anxiety, don't you?
880
881206
88200:08:11,030 --> 00:08:13,758
883(audience laughing)
884
885207
88600:08:13,758 --> 00:08:16,310
887And man, how many teleprompter guys
888
889208
89000:08:16,310 --> 00:08:20,340
891have shot themself in the
892face working with that dude?
893
894209
89500:08:20,340 --> 00:08:21,810
896'Cause he's on the speech for a minute.
897
898210
89900:08:21,810 --> 00:08:22,810
900He's like, he's on the speech.
901
902211
90300:08:22,810 --> 00:08:23,643
904He's on the speech.
905
906212
90700:08:23,643 --> 00:08:24,476
908He's on the speech.
909
910213
91100:08:24,476 --> 00:08:25,918
912And then, oh, my God, he's gonna improv.
913
914214
91500:08:25,918 --> 00:08:26,751
916No!
917
918215
91900:08:28,046 --> 00:08:31,857
920(imitates gunfire banging)
921
922216
92300:08:31,857 --> 00:08:33,020
924And then you had Bernie; I like Bernie.
925
926217
92700:08:33,020 --> 00:08:34,060
928I thought Bernie was cool.
929
930218
93100:08:34,060 --> 00:08:35,913
932At the end, at the end, though,
933
934219
93500:08:37,050 --> 00:08:38,430
936at the end though, after
937all that crap, though,
938
939220
94000:08:38,430 --> 00:08:39,280
941didn't Bernie come across
942
943221
94400:08:39,280 --> 00:08:41,380
945like a real grumpy model train enthusiast?
946
947222
94800:08:43,121 --> 00:08:43,954
949Couldn't you just see him
950
951223
95200:08:43,954 --> 00:08:44,787
953in the basement of the White House?
954
955224
95600:08:44,787 --> 00:08:45,620
957Toot toot.
958
959225
96000:08:50,050 --> 00:08:51,760
961Mr. President, Vladimir
962Putin's on the phone.
963
964226
96500:08:51,760 --> 00:08:53,360
966I told you don't bother me
967
968227
96900:08:55,030 --> 00:08:56,630
970when I'm playing with my trains.
971
972228
97300:08:58,270 --> 00:08:59,690
974This job takes up all my time.
975
976229
97700:08:59,690 --> 00:09:01,663
978I'd like to keep 1%, thank you.
979
980230
98100:09:04,167 --> 00:09:05,990
982And I had friends get crazy, too.
983
984231
98500:09:05,990 --> 00:09:06,890
986I had friends, after the election,
987
988232
98900:09:06,890 --> 00:09:07,980
990they got real fatalistic.
991
992233
99300:09:07,980 --> 00:09:09,457
994They just started yelling crazy stuff.
995
996234
99700:09:09,457 --> 00:09:10,530
998They're like, good, you know what?
999
1000235
100100:09:10,530 --> 00:09:12,090
1002I'm glad the insane guy won.
1003
1004236
100500:09:12,090 --> 00:09:12,923
1006Good.
1007
1008237
100900:09:12,923 --> 00:09:15,022
1010Let's just burn it down
1011and start over, man.
1012
1013238
101400:09:15,022 --> 00:09:15,855
1015Good.
1016
1017239
101800:09:15,855 --> 00:09:17,702
1019Let's just nuke the whole
1020thing and begin again.
1021
1022240
102300:09:17,702 --> 00:09:18,535
1024Woo!
1025
1026241
102700:09:24,090 --> 00:09:25,683
1028As fun as that sounds,
1029
1030242
103100:09:27,520 --> 00:09:29,820
1032I don't think it's gonna
1033go the way you think.
1034
1035243
103600:09:30,810 --> 00:09:32,260
1037Do you know why people
1038say stupid crap like that?
1039
1040244
104100:09:32,260 --> 00:09:33,883
1042Those damn Road Warrior movies.
1043
1044245
104500:09:35,280 --> 00:09:37,380
1046Yeah, we think we're
1047gonna survive Armageddon.
1048
1049246
105000:09:37,380 --> 00:09:39,770
1051In fact, every man in
1052this room, right now,
1053
1054247
105500:09:39,770 --> 00:09:42,254
1056believes he's gonna be
1057Mad Max in the apocalypse.
1058
1059248
106000:09:42,254 --> 00:09:43,880
1061(men cheering)
1062
1063249
106400:09:43,880 --> 00:09:45,795
1065Every single one.
1066
1067250
106800:09:45,795 --> 00:09:46,694
1069Yeah.
1070
1071251
107200:09:46,694 --> 00:09:48,440
1073Oh, yeah, I got seven guns
1074
1075252
107600:09:48,440 --> 00:09:50,070
1077and a case of Clif Bars, follow me.
1078
1079253
108000:09:50,070 --> 00:09:50,970
1081Come on, let's go.
1082
1083254
108400:09:52,620 --> 00:09:53,453
1085Well, hold on.
1086
1087255
108800:09:53,453 --> 00:09:54,460
1089I gotta tweet my followers.
1090
1091256
109200:09:54,460 --> 00:09:55,863
1093Let me tweet my followers.
1094
1095257
109600:09:57,454 --> 00:09:59,950
1097Yeah, 'cause in 2018, (wheezy gasping),
1098
1099258
110000:09:59,950 --> 00:10:02,953
1101we all have followers just like Jesus.
1102
1103259
110400:10:06,160 --> 00:10:07,373
1105Did they help you move?
1106
1107260
110800:10:09,240 --> 00:10:10,793
1109Did they lie for you in court?
1110
1111261
111200:10:12,400 --> 00:10:14,044
1113Then they ain't followers, are they?
1114
1115262
111600:10:14,044 --> 00:10:17,012
1117(audience applauding)
1118
1119263
112000:10:17,012 --> 00:10:17,845
1121It's crazy.
1122
1123264
112400:10:17,845 --> 00:10:21,128
1125You guys...
1126(audience whooping)
1127
1128265
112900:10:21,128 --> 00:10:23,570
1130You guys do realize what
1131these phones have done
1132
1133266
113400:10:23,570 --> 00:10:25,100
1135to us now, selfie, selfie, selfie.
1136
1137267
113800:10:25,100 --> 00:10:26,490
1139Is it any surprise we elected
1140
1141268
114200:10:26,490 --> 00:10:28,873
1143the most narcissistic
1144human being on the planet?
1145
1146269
114700:10:28,873 --> 00:10:30,650
1148Selfie, selfie, selfie.
1149
1150270
115100:10:30,650 --> 00:10:31,620
1152Get some damn friends.
1153
1154271
115500:10:31,620 --> 00:10:32,820
1156Take some them-ies and us-ies.
1157
1158272
115900:10:32,820 --> 00:10:34,740
1160Come on, goddammit.
1161
1162273
116300:10:34,740 --> 00:10:36,213
1164Take more we-sies.
1165
1166274
116700:10:38,360 --> 00:10:40,030
1168You get who we are now, right?
1169
1170275
117100:10:40,030 --> 00:10:43,530
1172We now take pictures of ourselves
1173
1174276
117500:10:43,530 --> 00:10:45,593
1176to send to people we don't know,
1177
1178277
117900:10:46,740 --> 00:10:48,473
1180to see what they think about us.
1181
1182278
118300:10:49,890 --> 00:10:52,413
1184Did you get that picture
1185of me that I took of me?
1186
1187279
118800:10:55,250 --> 00:10:57,903
1189It's on my Instagram under
1190Christopher Titus dot me.
1191
1192280
119300:11:00,620 --> 00:11:01,623
1194Please comment,
1195
1196281
119700:11:02,820 --> 00:11:03,743
1198on me.
1199
1200282
120100:11:05,510 --> 00:11:06,803
1202Like me.
1203
1204283
120500:11:08,090 --> 00:11:09,113
1206Follow me.
1207
1208284
120900:11:11,701 --> 00:11:12,534
1210You know who does that?
1211
1212285
121300:11:12,534 --> 00:11:14,593
1214Psychopaths, that's who does that.
1215
1216286
121700:11:15,670 --> 00:11:19,100
1218And by the way, yeah, if you
1219wanna follow me on Twitter
1220
1221287
122200:11:19,100 --> 00:11:20,800
1223it's @TitusNation.
1224
1225288
122600:11:20,800 --> 00:11:22,780
1227(audience applauding)
1228
1229289
123000:11:22,780 --> 00:11:27,780
1231Or The Real Christopher Titus on Facebook.
1232
1233290
123400:11:32,010 --> 00:11:33,580
1235Those road, and by the way, gentleman,
1236
1237291
123800:11:33,580 --> 00:11:35,010
1239you don't wanna be Mad Max.
1240
1241292
124200:11:35,010 --> 00:11:36,680
1243Mad Max is always half a criminal.
1244
1245293
124600:11:36,680 --> 00:11:37,580
1247He's always busted up.
1248
1249294
125000:11:37,580 --> 00:11:38,420
1251Looks like Rob Zombie
1252
1253295
125400:11:38,420 --> 00:11:41,363
1255after a bad white water
1256rafting accident, you know?
1257
1258296
125900:11:41,363 --> 00:11:42,870
1260He's always got a leg brace,
1261
1262297
126300:11:42,870 --> 00:11:45,350
1264am eye patch made out of his old kneecap.
1265
1266298
126700:11:45,350 --> 00:11:47,410
1268He's got a hole blown through his head
1269
1270299
127100:11:47,410 --> 00:11:49,920
1272that he stuffed with a booby-trap grenade
1273
1274300
127500:11:49,920 --> 00:11:50,753
1276so when he gets caught,
1277
1278301
127900:11:50,753 --> 00:11:51,920
1280he can say cool things like,
1281
1282302
128300:11:51,920 --> 00:11:52,870
1284go ahead, pull the pin.
1285
1286303
128700:11:52,870 --> 00:11:54,220
1288You'll blow both our minds.
1289
1290304
129100:11:57,090 --> 00:11:58,740
1292He's got some weird Armageddon dune buggy
1293
1294305
129500:11:58,740 --> 00:12:00,360
1296with metal sticking off of it,
1297
1298306
129900:12:00,360 --> 00:12:01,500
1300some drifter changed to it,
1301
1302307
130300:12:01,500 --> 00:12:03,970
1304following him through the wasteland.
1305
1306308
130700:12:03,970 --> 00:12:05,360
1308Oh, the guy can't ride in the dune buggy
1309
1310309
131100:12:05,360 --> 00:12:08,020
1312'cause Mad Max's dog sits
1313in the passenger seat,
1314
1315310
131600:12:08,020 --> 00:12:10,630
1317his two-legged dog that they
1318haven't Killed for food yet
1319
1320311
132100:12:10,630 --> 00:12:12,070
1322'cause it's still got
1323one good front left leg
1324
1325312
132600:12:12,070 --> 00:12:13,160
1327and one good right back leg
1328
1329313
133000:12:13,160 --> 00:12:16,143
1331so it balances like a shitty
1332table at a Chinese restaurant.
1333
1334314
133500:12:18,730 --> 00:12:20,303
1336I want that dog, honestly.
1337
1338315
133900:12:22,410 --> 00:12:23,610
1340I think those Road Warrior movies,
1341
1342316
134300:12:23,610 --> 00:12:26,170
1344I think they're trying to
1345get us ready for Armageddon
1346
1347317
134800:12:26,170 --> 00:12:28,690
1349and how come everybody has a cool haircut
1350
1351318
135200:12:28,690 --> 00:12:29,713
1353in the apocalypse?
1354
1355319
135600:12:30,950 --> 00:12:33,260
1357All those movies, we can't
1358find clean drinking water
1359
1360320
136100:12:33,260 --> 00:12:35,063
1362but everybody gets a Mohawk,
1363
1364321
136500:12:36,680 --> 00:12:39,660
1366or spikes, or shaved with your name in it.
1367
1368322
136900:12:39,660 --> 00:12:42,150
1370So Army Rangers and Navy
1371Seals didn't make it
1372
1373323
137400:12:42,150 --> 00:12:45,153
1375through the apocalypse but
1376somehow stylists pulled it off?
1377
1378324
137900:12:48,739 --> 00:12:49,930
1380I was at the shampoo station.
1381
1382325
138300:12:49,930 --> 00:12:50,763
1384I heard a noise.
1385
1386326
138700:12:50,763 --> 00:12:51,596
1388I hid under a desk.
1389
1390327
139100:12:51,596 --> 00:12:53,130
1392I don't know what happened.
1393
1394328
139500:12:55,510 --> 00:12:57,088
1396Now I'm chained to this
1397asshole's dune buggy.
1398
1399329
140000:12:57,088 --> 00:12:57,921
1401I don't get this at all.
1402
1403330
140400:12:57,921 --> 00:12:58,754
1405What are we doing?
1406
1407331
140800:13:01,647 --> 00:13:04,030
1409And that last Road
1410Warrior movie, Fury Road?
1411
1412332
141300:13:04,030 --> 00:13:05,480
1414Fury Road aside, gentlemen,
1415
1416333
141700:13:05,480 --> 00:13:08,233
1418there are no hot babes in the apocalypse.
1419
1420334
142100:13:09,336 --> 00:13:10,169
1422-  Now...
1423
1424335
142500:13:10,169 --> 00:13:12,300
1426- Oh no, all the skinny hot
1427chicks died of malnutrition,
1428
1429336
143000:13:12,300 --> 00:13:14,248
1431lack of moisturizer, and ChapStick.
1432
1433337
143400:13:14,248 --> 00:13:15,808
1435(audience cheering)
1436
1437338
143800:13:15,808 --> 00:13:16,776
1439That's right.
1440
1441339
144200:13:16,776 --> 00:13:21,330
1443And all that's left is those
1444tube-titty bison females
1445
1446340
144700:13:21,330 --> 00:13:24,950
1448that used to roam the
1449cheese aisle at Walmart.
1450
1451341
145200:13:24,950 --> 00:13:26,050
1453And they're not around either.
1454
1455342
145600:13:26,050 --> 00:13:27,040
1457They're looked in in a room somewhere,
1458
1459343
146000:13:27,040 --> 00:13:29,623
1461getting milked to feed the bad guy's kids.
1462
1463344
146400:13:32,920 --> 00:13:34,323
1465Did you see the movie?
1466
1467345
146800:13:36,200 --> 00:13:38,223
1469'Cause that scene is in the movie.
1470
1471346
147200:13:39,640 --> 00:13:42,340
1473So, now when you watch the
1474movie, you're gonna giggle.
1475
1476347
147700:13:44,294 --> 00:13:45,840
1478When I saw it, I didn't have me,
1479
1480348
148100:13:45,840 --> 00:13:47,290
1482so I went (guttural gagging).
1483
1484349
148500:13:54,040 --> 00:13:55,107
1486That movie pissed me off,
1487
1488350
148900:13:55,107 --> 00:13:58,280
1490and so in the middle of
1491the apocalyptic wasteland,
1492
1493351
149400:13:58,280 --> 00:14:01,723
1495four smoking hot runway models show up?
1496
1497352
149800:14:02,694 --> 00:14:04,533
1499That does it even happened in porn.
1500
1501353
150200:14:07,283 --> 00:14:08,140
1503And they're all beautiful,
1504
1505354
150600:14:08,140 --> 00:14:09,050
1507Their makeup's perfect.
1508
1509355
151000:14:09,050 --> 00:14:09,883
1511They're well-adjusted.
1512
1513356
151400:14:09,883 --> 00:14:10,716
1515They all get along,
1516
1517357
151800:14:10,716 --> 00:14:12,053
1519Well, now I know it's a movie.
1520
1521358
152200:14:14,403 --> 00:14:15,900
1523They're all wearing hemp butt-thongs,
1524
1525359
152600:14:15,900 --> 00:14:17,080
1527barely raped at all.
1528
1529360
153000:14:17,080 --> 00:14:17,913
1531Come on!
1532
1533361
153400:14:20,210 --> 00:14:22,410
1535In the apocalypse?
1536
1537362
153800:14:22,410 --> 00:14:23,600
1539Let me be very clear.
1540
1541363
154200:14:23,600 --> 00:14:24,433
1543I love women.
1544
1545364
154600:14:24,433 --> 00:14:27,059
1547I think women are by far the better sex.
1548
1549365
155000:14:27,059 --> 00:14:30,667
1551(audience whooping)
1552I think they are, yes.
1553
1554366
155500:14:30,667 --> 00:14:31,500
1556But...
1557
1558367
155900:14:32,770 --> 00:14:35,917
1560In the apocalypse there's
1561gonna be some rapin'.
1562
1563368
156400:14:38,841 --> 00:14:40,230
1565And I know sometimes I'm gonna be
1566
1567369
156800:14:40,230 --> 00:14:41,720
1569on the weeping side of that raping.
1570
1571370
157200:14:41,720 --> 00:14:42,553
1573I know that.
1574
1575371
157600:14:44,059 --> 00:14:45,257
1577I know that.
1578
1579372
158000:14:45,257 --> 00:14:47,583
1581You can't look like this
1582and not expect that.
1583
1584373
158500:14:49,779 --> 00:14:50,612
1586I know.
1587
1588374
158900:14:52,240 --> 00:14:54,230
1590I know, sir, my mouth is gorgeous.
1591
1592375
159300:14:54,230 --> 00:14:57,630
1594I know!
1595
1596376
159700:15:00,937 --> 00:15:05,420
1598And how are you Millennials
1599gonna survive the apocalypse?
1600
1601377
160200:15:05,420 --> 00:15:07,161
1603There's no app.
1604
1605378
160600:15:07,161 --> 00:15:09,561
1607(audience laughing)
1608
1609379
161000:15:09,561 --> 00:15:10,394
1611Yeah.
1612
1613380
161400:15:10,394 --> 00:15:13,240
1615Millennials hate that joke, really.
1616
1617381
161800:15:13,240 --> 00:15:14,073
1619Shut up, I'll be fine.
1620
1621382
162200:15:14,073 --> 00:15:15,690
1623I do what I always do, man.
1624
1625383
162600:15:15,690 --> 00:15:17,440
1627Get up, get my 2/3 decaf latte,
1628
1629384
163000:15:17,440 --> 00:15:18,540
1631trim my lumberjack beard,
1632
1633385
163400:15:18,540 --> 00:15:20,240
1635call an Uber and make it, brother.
1636
1637386
163800:15:22,197 --> 00:15:23,797
1639My mom said I could be anything.
1640
1641387
164200:15:25,057 --> 00:15:27,937
1643And I got a participation
1644trophy to prove that.
1645
1646388
164700:15:27,937 --> 00:15:32,810
1648(audience applauding)
1649(audience cheering)
1650
1651389
165200:15:32,810 --> 00:15:33,660
1653Yeah (chuckling).
1654
1655390
165600:15:35,730 --> 00:15:37,690
1657A lot of you Millennials
1658can barely light a candle
1659
1660391
166100:15:37,690 --> 00:15:39,263
1662let alone change a tire.
1663
1664392
166500:15:40,320 --> 00:15:42,350
1666How the hell are you gonna
1667distill drinking water
1668
1669393
167000:15:42,350 --> 00:15:43,940
1671from a rusted hot tub your dead neighbor
1672
1673394
167400:15:43,940 --> 00:15:44,990
1675is still floating in?
1676
1677395
167800:15:47,710 --> 00:15:49,490
1679You can't cook and eat
1680your girlfriend's Shitzu
1681
1682396
168300:15:49,490 --> 00:15:50,990
1684if the microwave doesn't work.
1685
1686397
168700:15:51,850 --> 00:15:54,710
1688Doesn't even beep anymore.
1689
1690398
169100:15:54,710 --> 00:15:55,918
1692You better get on the internet.
1693
1694399
169500:15:55,918 --> 00:16:00,918
1696(horrified gasping) There's no internet!
1697
1698400
169900:16:01,080 --> 00:16:04,530
1700So, can we all stop talking
1701about burning our country down
1702
1703401
170400:16:04,530 --> 00:16:05,830
1705'cause it's getting this crazy?
1706
1707402
170800:16:05,830 --> 00:16:08,427
1709'Cause only two people win
1710in the apocalypse: Mad Max
1711
1712403
171300:16:08,427 --> 00:16:10,750
1714and the guy with the goat-head
1715skull ventilator thing
1716
1717404
171800:16:10,750 --> 00:16:12,600
1719and that's about it.
1720
1721405
172200:16:12,600 --> 00:16:14,550
1723The rest of us ground up into dust
1724
1725406
172600:16:14,550 --> 00:16:16,770
1727and our bodies used to
1728pave the road to Valhalla.
1729
1730407
173100:16:16,770 --> 00:16:18,730
1732So instead of talking about
1733burning our country down,
1734
1735408
173600:16:18,730 --> 00:16:19,960
1737how 'bout we all just come together
1738
1739409
174000:16:19,960 --> 00:16:21,700
1741and fix this bitch called America?
1742
1743410
174400:16:21,700 --> 00:16:22,606
1745How 'bout that?
1746
1747411
174800:16:22,606 --> 00:16:24,579
1749(audience cheering)
1750Yeah.
1751
1752412
175300:16:24,579 --> 00:16:25,544
1754Fix this bitch.
1755
1756413
175700:16:25,544 --> 00:16:26,894
1758Fix this bitch.
1759
1760414
176100:16:26,894 --> 00:16:27,972
1762-  Fix this bitch.
1763
1764415
176500:16:27,972 --> 00:16:29,144
1766Fix this bitch.
1767
1768416
176900:16:29,144 --> 00:16:30,424
1770Fix this bitch.
1771
1772417
177300:16:30,424 --> 00:16:31,640
1774- Build a wall!
1775
1776418
177700:16:31,640 --> 00:16:32,744
1778Yes, we can!
1779
1780419
178100:16:32,744 --> 00:16:33,962
1782I win her!
1783
1784420
178500:16:33,962 --> 00:16:35,130
1786Blood and soil!
1787
1788421
178900:16:35,130 --> 00:16:37,170
1790Yeah.
1791
1792422
179300:16:37,170 --> 00:16:38,190
1794Yeah.
1795
1796423
179700:16:38,190 --> 00:16:39,640
1798I think we all learned this year,
1799
1800424
180100:16:39,640 --> 00:16:41,760
1802if you can break your
1803idea down to three words,
1804
1805425
180600:16:41,760 --> 00:16:44,503
1807dumbasses'll follow you anywhere.
1808
1809426
181000:16:45,594 --> 00:16:48,430
1811(laughing)
1812
1813427
181400:16:48,430 --> 00:16:49,263
1815Oh, come on!
1816
1817428
181800:16:49,263 --> 00:16:50,096
1819Nazis are back.
1820
1821429
182200:16:50,096 --> 00:16:52,360
1823We had khaki-pant wearing polo shirt Nazis
1824
1825430
182600:16:52,360 --> 00:16:53,193
1827out there this year.
1828
1829431
183000:16:53,193 --> 00:16:55,080
1831That was insane.
1832
1833432
183400:16:55,080 --> 00:16:55,913
1835That was insane.
1836
1837433
183800:16:55,913 --> 00:16:57,683
1839I don't think, they couldn't
1840all be Nazis, you know?
1841
1842434
184300:16:57,683 --> 00:16:59,690
1844I think some of them
1845were Best Buy employees
1846
1847435
184800:16:59,690 --> 00:17:01,403
1849walking through the park on the way home,
1850
1851436
185200:17:02,440 --> 00:17:04,270
1853and they just got sucked into the chant.
1854
1855437
185600:17:04,270 --> 00:17:05,877
1857They're like, blood and soil!
1858
1859438
186000:17:05,877 --> 00:17:07,370
1861Are we gardeners, what are we doing?
1862
1863439
186400:17:07,370 --> 00:17:08,830
1865Gimme a torch, blood and soil.
1866
1867440
186800:17:08,830 --> 00:17:09,913
1869What are we doin'?
1870
1871441
187200:17:12,670 --> 00:17:13,940
1873Was a weird year, wasn't it?
1874
1875442
187600:17:13,940 --> 00:17:15,580
1877We had so much weird stuff happening,
1878
1879443
188000:17:15,580 --> 00:17:17,300
1881hurricanes lining up off the coast
1882
1883444
188400:17:17,300 --> 00:17:20,400
1885like they're waiting for
1886rides at Disneyland, man.
1887
1888445
188900:17:20,400 --> 00:17:21,770
1890They ran out of names at one point.
1891
1892446
189300:17:21,770 --> 00:17:22,654
1894They're like, what do we name this one?
1895
1896447
189700:17:22,654 --> 00:17:24,487
1898Zitigua, I don't know!
1899
1900448
190100:17:25,717 --> 00:17:26,550
1902It was insane.
1903
1904449
190500:17:26,550 --> 00:17:28,180
1906And the country, we were
1907getting along so well.
1908
1909450
191000:17:28,180 --> 00:17:29,450
1911God we haven't gotten along this good
1912
1913451
191400:17:29,450 --> 00:17:31,821
1915since the Manson family
1916picnic with the Tates.
1917
1918452
191900:17:31,821 --> 00:17:34,057
1920(audience groaning)
1921
1922453
192300:17:34,057 --> 00:17:35,953
1924(sporadic applause)
1925
1926454
192700:17:35,953 --> 00:17:36,786
1928Well, really?
1929
1930455
193100:17:36,786 --> 00:17:38,342
1932You mad?
1933
1934456
193500:17:38,342 --> 00:17:39,175
1936Oh, shut up.
1937
1938457
193900:17:39,175 --> 00:17:41,577
1940I waited 50 years to tell that joke.
1941
1942458
194300:17:42,467 --> 00:17:44,830
1944You guys can't be mad at
1945a 50-year-old reference.
1946
1947459
194800:17:44,830 --> 00:17:45,663
1949My God.
1950
1951460
195200:17:47,950 --> 00:17:50,690
1953World Health Organization
1954proved that meat causes cancer.
1955
1956461
195700:17:50,690 --> 00:17:52,580
1958Great, then the Super Bowl barbecue
1959
1960462
196100:17:52,580 --> 00:17:54,623
1962is just a smoky-flavored war crime.
1963
1964463
196500:17:55,960 --> 00:17:57,510
1966Course none of us have
1967to worry about cancer
1968
1969464
197000:17:57,510 --> 00:17:59,390
1971'cause climate change
1972gonna drown half of us
1973
1974465
197500:17:59,390 --> 00:18:01,760
1976and set the other half on fire.
1977
1978466
197900:18:01,760 --> 00:18:03,993
1980Oh, I'm so glad it doesn't exist.
1981
1982467
198300:18:06,810 --> 00:18:07,800
1984It's a bad year.
1985
1986468
198700:18:07,800 --> 00:18:08,633
1988Prince is dead.
1989
1990469
199100:18:08,633 --> 00:18:10,503
1992Prince can't die, he's imaginary.
1993
1994470
199500:18:14,300 --> 00:18:15,900
1996And here's the sad thing for me.
1997
1998471
199900:18:15,900 --> 00:18:17,810
2000I thought we were doing so well.
2001
2002472
200300:18:17,810 --> 00:18:18,680
2004Human beings were doing,
2005
2006473
200700:18:18,680 --> 00:18:20,120
2008we're amazing, the stuff we do.
2009
2010474
201100:18:20,120 --> 00:18:21,440
2012I have a phone in my pocket right now,
2013
2014475
201500:18:21,440 --> 00:18:22,273
2016I hit one button,
2017
2018476
201900:18:22,273 --> 00:18:23,820
2020calls anywhere in the planet in a second.
2021
2022477
202300:18:23,820 --> 00:18:26,130
2024While I'm doing that, I can watch a video
2025
2026478
202700:18:26,130 --> 00:18:28,280
2028of a young child hitting
2029his father in the testicles
2030
2031479
203200:18:28,280 --> 00:18:29,430
2033with a Wiffle ball bat.
2034
2035480
203600:18:31,070 --> 00:18:33,253
2037That is next level human being.
2038
2039481
204000:18:35,040 --> 00:18:37,010
2041We eradicated polio, got rid of smallpox,
2042
2043482
204400:18:37,010 --> 00:18:38,710
2045made it possible to live with AIDS,
2046
2047483
204800:18:38,710 --> 00:18:40,120
2049but we cannot crack the code
2050
2051484
205200:18:40,120 --> 00:18:42,063
2053on the vaccine for stupid, can we?
2054
2055485
205600:18:44,457 --> 00:18:45,410
2057How do you know if you're stupid?
2058
2059486
206000:18:45,410 --> 00:18:47,650
2061Well, if your 10th grade English teacher
2062
2063487
206400:18:47,650 --> 00:18:50,152
2065helped you write your
2066third birth announcement,
2067
2068488
206900:18:50,152 --> 00:18:53,400
2070(pained groaning)
2071
2072489
207300:18:53,400 --> 00:18:54,356
2074you're an idiot.
2075
2076490
207700:18:54,356 --> 00:18:56,425
2078(audience applauding)
2079
2080491
208100:18:56,425 --> 00:18:59,613
2082If you spell pregnant, preeg-nart,
2083
2084492
208500:19:01,727 --> 00:19:03,394
2086that's another hint.
2087
2088493
208900:19:13,210 --> 00:19:14,850
2090I'll tell you what this
2091last election proved to me.
2092
2093494
209400:19:14,850 --> 00:19:15,720
2095It proved to me what I'm not.
2096
2097495
209800:19:15,720 --> 00:19:16,553
2099I'm not a Democrat.
2100
2101496
210200:19:16,553 --> 00:19:17,530
2103I'm not a Republican.
2104
2105497
210600:19:17,530 --> 00:19:19,120
2107I'm not a conservative, not a liberal.
2108
2109498
211000:19:19,120 --> 00:19:19,953
2111I'm not a hobbit.
2112
2113499
211400:19:19,953 --> 00:19:20,786
2115I'm not a orc.
2116
2117500
211800:19:22,405 --> 00:19:23,238
2119I'm not Slytherin.
2120
2121501
212200:19:23,238 --> 00:19:24,071
2123I'm not Gryffindor.
2124
2125502
212600:19:24,071 --> 00:19:26,090
2127And I'm definitely not a Hufflepuff.
2128
2129503
213000:19:27,874 --> 00:19:29,960
2131Yeah. Yeah.
2132
2133504
213400:19:29,960 --> 00:19:32,123
2135Yeah, screw that
2136imaginary group of people.
2137
2138505
213900:19:33,470 --> 00:19:34,830
2140I'm an independent, 100%.
2141
2142506
214300:19:34,830 --> 00:19:36,266
2144I believe in the death penalty.
2145
2146507
214700:19:36,266 --> 00:19:39,640
2148(crowd cheering)
2149Yes.
2150
2151508
215200:19:39,640 --> 00:19:41,320
2153I believe in the death penalty,
2154
2155509
215600:19:41,320 --> 00:19:42,950
2157but I also believe that
2158when you get convicted
2159
2160510
216100:19:42,950 --> 00:19:44,040
2162of the death penalty,
2163
2164511
216500:19:44,040 --> 00:19:45,360
2166they should put you in a penalty box
2167
2168512
216900:19:45,360 --> 00:19:47,253
2170and you get beaten to
2171death by hockey players.
2172
2173513
217400:19:47,253 --> 00:19:52,253
2175(audience applauding)
2176(audience cheering)
2177
2178514
217900:19:53,320 --> 00:19:55,190
2180But if it's lethal injection,
2181
2182515
218300:19:55,190 --> 00:19:57,040
2184it should be organic and gluten-free.
2185
2186516
218700:19:59,290 --> 00:20:01,640
2188Somebody might have an
2189allergy, you don't know.
2190
2191517
219200:20:02,810 --> 00:20:04,580
2193I'm getting kinda itchy in here.
2194
2195518
219600:20:08,440 --> 00:20:10,863
2197My last meal was supposed
2198to have a Claritin.
2199
2200519
220100:20:16,482 --> 00:20:17,420
2202I believe in abortion
2203
2204520
220500:20:17,420 --> 00:20:19,270
2206but only if the mother is exercising
2207
2208521
220900:20:19,270 --> 00:20:22,093
2210her Second Amendment
2211rights while performing it.
2212
2213522
221400:20:22,093 --> 00:20:24,009
2215(nervous laughing)
2216
2217523
221800:20:24,009 --> 00:20:25,493
2219(scattered applause)
2220
2221524
222200:20:25,493 --> 00:20:26,663
2223Well.
2224
2225525
222600:20:26,663 --> 00:20:28,023
2227Well.
2228
2229526
223000:20:28,023 --> 00:20:30,110
2231I guess somebody loves the Constitution
2232
2233527
223400:20:30,110 --> 00:20:32,263
2235a lot more than other people in Arizona.
2236
2237528
223800:20:34,631 --> 00:20:35,464
2239When I wrote that joke,
2240
2241529
224200:20:35,464 --> 00:20:38,017
2243I knew it was gonna get that reaction.
2244
2245530
224600:20:38,017 --> 00:20:39,608
2247And my brain went, say it anyway,
2248
2249531
225000:20:39,608 --> 00:20:40,458
2251and I said, okay.
2252
2253532
225400:20:43,030 --> 00:20:44,373
2255Let me tell you the problem
2256with America right now.
2257
2258533
225900:20:44,373 --> 00:20:46,470
2260It's the same problem throughout history.
2261
2262534
226300:20:46,470 --> 00:20:48,450
2264The problem with America
2265right now is they,
2266
2267535
226800:20:48,450 --> 00:20:49,510
2269they who run things.
2270
2271536
227200:20:49,510 --> 00:20:50,620
2273You, know all they want is money,
2274
2275537
227600:20:50,620 --> 00:20:51,453
2277all they want is power.
2278
2279538
228000:20:51,453 --> 00:20:53,450
2281They all have small penises, even Hillary.
2282
2283539
228400:20:55,540 --> 00:20:56,790
2285She's swinging something.
2286
2287540
228800:20:58,290 --> 00:20:59,730
2289They're the ones who start the wars.
2290
2291541
229200:20:59,730 --> 00:21:01,160
2293They're the one who crashed the economy.
2294
2295542
229600:21:01,160 --> 00:21:02,910
2297Did you crash the economy, sir?
2298
2299543
230000:21:02,910 --> 00:21:03,743
2301- Nope.
2302- No, what do you
2303
2304544
230500:21:03,743 --> 00:21:05,240
2306do for a living?
2307
2308545
230900:21:05,240 --> 00:21:07,610
2310- Maintenance.
2311- Maintenance. (laughing)
2312
2313546
231400:21:07,610 --> 00:21:08,443
2315That's kinda vague.
2316
2317547
231800:21:08,443 --> 00:21:11,023
2319Sounds kinda drug dealer-y, right there.
2320
2321548
232200:21:11,023 --> 00:21:12,320
2323What do you do, maintenance.
2324
2325549
232600:21:12,320 --> 00:21:13,390
2327Do you need some more?
2328
2329550
233000:21:13,390 --> 00:21:14,890
2331Good, I got some, here you go.
2332
2333551
233400:21:15,940 --> 00:21:17,290
2335You maintaining, all right.
2336
2337552
233800:21:18,830 --> 00:21:20,780
2339Maintenance, of course you
2340didn't crash the economy.
2341
2342553
234300:21:20,780 --> 00:21:22,430
2344Did the start the Iraq War, dude?
2345
2346554
234700:21:22,430 --> 00:21:23,310
2348No, of course you didn't.
2349
2350555
235100:21:23,310 --> 00:21:24,320
2352You worked at Ruby Tuesdays
2353
2354556
235500:21:24,320 --> 00:21:25,960
2356and pray to God the
2357hostess wasn't pregnant.
2358
2359557
236000:21:25,960 --> 00:21:28,550
2361I swear to God that's what you did.
2362
2363558
236400:21:30,360 --> 00:21:31,410
2365No, course we didn't.
2366
2367559
236800:21:31,410 --> 00:21:32,690
2369We never have anything to do with that.
2370
2371560
237200:21:32,690 --> 00:21:34,130
2373It's always they, and who are they?
2374
2375561
237600:21:34,130 --> 00:21:35,240
2377Well, in America's history,
2378
2379562
238000:21:35,240 --> 00:21:38,480
2381they are always old, ancient,
2382silver-haired white men.
2383
2384563
238500:21:38,480 --> 00:21:40,043
2386A lot of 'em are Draculas.
2387
2388564
238900:21:42,066 --> 00:21:43,577
2390And they all have that thing
2391(tenor vocal burbling).
2392
2393565
239400:21:47,946 --> 00:21:49,727
2395I called the Sith Lord flap.
2396
2397566
239800:21:53,866 --> 00:21:56,930
2399Paul Ryan's got a little one.
2400(falsetto vocal burbling)
2401
2402567
240300:21:56,930 --> 00:21:57,980
2404Obama had one.
2405
2406568
240700:21:57,980 --> 00:21:59,473
2408He just calmed it back, cool.
2409
2410569
241100:22:01,330 --> 00:22:03,260
2412He made it look good.
2413
2414570
241500:22:03,260 --> 00:22:04,660
2416Mitch McConnell, (heavy
2417bass vocal burbling).
2418
2419571
242000:22:06,495 --> 00:22:07,990
2421All right, I don't want
2422to make too much fun
2423
2424572
242500:22:07,990 --> 00:22:09,390
2426of Mitch McConnell 'cause I loved his work
2427
2428573
242900:22:09,390 --> 00:22:11,013
2430as the pelican in Finding Nemo.
2431
2432574
243300:22:13,847 --> 00:22:14,680
2434Awesome.
2435
2436575
243700:22:17,720 --> 00:22:18,690
2438That's who they are,
2439
2440576
244100:22:18,690 --> 00:22:19,740
2442and what they did this year,
2443
2444577
244500:22:19,740 --> 00:22:21,180
2446I've never seen it this bad.
2447
2448578
244900:22:21,180 --> 00:22:23,010
2450They convinced everybody in America
2451
2452579
245300:22:23,010 --> 00:22:24,110
2454it was us versus them,
2455
2456580
245700:22:24,110 --> 00:22:25,560
2458Democrats verus Republicans,
2459
2460581
246100:22:25,560 --> 00:22:27,020
2462Republicans versus Democrats.
2463
2464582
246500:22:27,020 --> 00:22:28,450
2466We couldn't get along.
2467
2468583
246900:22:28,450 --> 00:22:30,530
2470In fact, everybody in this room right now
2471
2472584
247300:22:30,530 --> 00:22:32,730
2474has an opinion about
2475someone who doesn't agree
2476
2477585
247800:22:32,730 --> 00:22:33,563
2479with them politically.
2480
2481586
248200:22:33,563 --> 00:22:34,396
2483Am I right?
2484
2485587
248600:22:34,396 --> 00:22:35,229
2487Hell, yeah.
2488
2489588
249000:22:35,229 --> 00:22:36,650
2491Every conservative in this room
2492
2493589
249400:22:36,650 --> 00:22:39,420
2495is a four-wheel truck driving,
2496sister-screwing redneck
2497
2498590
249900:22:39,420 --> 00:22:41,710
2500and every liberal eats kale salad
2501
2502591
250300:22:41,710 --> 00:22:42,810
2504out the butt of his boyfriend.
2505
2506592
250700:22:42,810 --> 00:22:43,669
2508Am I right?
2509
2510593
251100:22:43,669 --> 00:22:44,690
2512(audience cheering)
2513
2514594
251500:22:44,690 --> 00:22:45,830
2516Yeah.
2517
2518595
251900:22:45,830 --> 00:22:48,583
2520Drizzled in raspberry balsamic, come on!
2521
2522596
252300:22:51,360 --> 00:22:52,680
2524That's what we think about each other.
2525
2526597
252700:22:52,680 --> 00:22:53,513
2528It's crazy.
2529
2530598
253100:22:53,513 --> 00:22:55,490
2532Same ol', same country, same people, too.
2533
2534599
253500:22:55,490 --> 00:22:57,740
2536If I asked you, if I asked you liberals
2537
2538600
253900:22:57,740 --> 00:22:59,730
2540to get up here and do an
2541impression of a conservative,
2542
2543601
254400:22:59,730 --> 00:23:01,660
2545you guys would lose your minds.
2546
2547602
254800:23:01,660 --> 00:23:02,856
2549Oh, my God, lemme do it, lemme do it,
2550
2551603
255200:23:02,856 --> 00:23:05,090
2553lemme do it, lemme do it, lemme do it.
2554
2555604
255600:23:05,090 --> 00:23:05,977
2557I'm doin' it.
2558
2559605
256000:23:05,977 --> 00:23:07,720
2561I'm gonna do it, I'm just sayin'.
2562
2563606
256400:23:07,720 --> 00:23:10,020
2565Don't make me laugh,
2566Marcia, I got this, okay.
2567
2568607
256900:23:14,380 --> 00:23:15,213
2570Stop it.
2571
2572608
257300:23:16,750 --> 00:23:19,183
2574All right, my impression
2575of a conservative.
2576
2577609
257800:23:22,759 --> 00:23:25,798
2579(audience laughing)
2580
2581610
258200:23:25,798 --> 00:23:27,278
2583Well, I went to the Walmarts
2584
2585611
258600:23:27,278 --> 00:23:28,930
2587and I got me a seventh gun,
2588
2589612
259000:23:28,930 --> 00:23:31,630
2591then headed down to Plan
2592Obama at the abortion clinic.
2593
2594613
259500:23:31,630 --> 00:23:33,130
2596Then I went way downtown and kicked
2597
2598614
259900:23:33,130 --> 00:23:36,333
2600a young black feller in
2601the testiculars, yep.
2602
2603615
260400:23:36,333 --> 00:23:38,560
2605Now I'm going out to a KKK rally
2606
2607616
260800:23:38,560 --> 00:23:39,730
2609at a Ted Nugent concert
2610
2611617
261200:23:39,730 --> 00:23:41,640
2613where I'm gonna shoot me
2614an endangered species.
2615
2616618
261700:23:41,640 --> 00:23:42,473
2618Yee-haw!
2619
2620619
262100:23:44,614 --> 00:23:47,223
2622(audience cheering)
2623
2624620
262500:23:47,223 --> 00:23:48,723
2626You would think...
2627
2628621
262900:23:50,794 --> 00:23:52,521
2630If I asked you
2631conservatives to get up here
2632
2633622
263400:23:52,521 --> 00:23:53,540
2635and do an impression of a liberal,
2636
2637623
263800:23:53,540 --> 00:23:55,040
2639you guys would beat each other's ass
2640
2641624
264200:23:55,040 --> 00:23:55,873
2643to get on the stage.
2644
2645625
264600:23:55,873 --> 00:23:57,200
2647(imitating punching thuds)
2648
2649626
265000:23:57,200 --> 00:23:58,803
2651Shut up, Bobby, I'm doin' it.
2652
2653627
265400:24:00,500 --> 00:24:02,397
2655'Cause I'm better at it than you.
2656
2657628
265800:24:04,720 --> 00:24:05,633
2659Go ahead get up.
2660
2661629
266200:24:08,070 --> 00:24:08,960
2663All right, here's my
2664impression of a liberal.
2665
2666630
266700:24:08,960 --> 00:24:10,612
2668(glass dings)
2669
2670631
267100:24:10,612 --> 00:24:11,890
2672(harsh nasal snorting)
2673
2674632
267500:24:11,890 --> 00:24:12,723
2676Was that round one?
2677
2678633
267900:24:12,723 --> 00:24:13,923
2680What the hell just happened?
2681
2682634
268300:24:19,783 --> 00:24:21,790
2684All right, my impression of liberal.
2685
2686635
268700:24:21,790 --> 00:24:25,530
2688Here we go. (harsh throat hacking)
2689
2690636
269100:24:25,530 --> 00:24:27,430
2692I'll tell you when it's okay to laugh.
2693
2694637
269500:24:29,180 --> 00:24:31,050
2696All right, liberal (heavy grunting).
2697
2698638
269900:24:31,050 --> 00:24:31,883
2700Here we go.
2701
2702639
270300:24:33,160 --> 00:24:35,093
2704Oh my God, you won't
2705believe what happened.
2706
2707640
270800:24:39,060 --> 00:24:41,580
2709I was at my job helping
2710the lesbian manatees
2711
2712641
271300:24:41,580 --> 00:24:44,890
2714and somebody used the word Oriental
2715
2716642
271700:24:44,890 --> 00:24:46,323
2718and I lost my shit.
2719
2720643
272100:24:48,332 --> 00:24:49,500
2722I went down to the ACLU
2723
2724644
272500:24:49,500 --> 00:24:50,727
2726and I filed a hate crime, goddammit.
2727
2728645
272900:24:50,727 --> 00:24:54,298
2730And I was so upset on the way
2731home, I adopted a petting zoo.
2732
2733646
273400:24:54,298 --> 00:24:56,080
2735(snorting laugh)
2736
2737647
273800:24:56,080 --> 00:24:58,153
2739I actually have a lama that's a rescue.
2740
2741648
274200:24:59,687 --> 00:25:00,820
2743Now I'm on my way downtown,
2744
2745649
274600:25:00,820 --> 00:25:03,670
2747'cause inside, I'm really a
2748woman and I am transitioning,
2749
2750650
275100:25:04,954 --> 00:25:07,100
2752and I will use any damn bathroom I want,
2753
2754651
275500:25:07,100 --> 00:25:08,760
2756and I will molest children like I work
2757
2758652
275900:25:08,760 --> 00:25:10,333
2760for the U.S. Olympic Committee.
2761
2762653
276300:25:10,333 --> 00:25:13,890
2764(audience groaning)
2765
2766654
276700:25:13,890 --> 00:25:14,723
2768Really?
2769
2770655
277100:25:14,723 --> 00:25:16,830
2772(audience cheering)
2773
2774656
277500:25:16,830 --> 00:25:19,233
2776Be mad all you want, at least I'm current.
2777
2778657
277900:25:22,182 --> 00:25:24,440
2780I don't know anybody like that.
2781
2782658
278300:25:24,440 --> 00:25:26,840
2784I take that back, I know
2785three people like that.
2786
2787659
278800:25:28,342 --> 00:25:29,700
2789Two live in Prescott, Arizona,
2790
2791660
279200:25:29,700 --> 00:25:30,800
2793one lives in Berkeley.
2794
2795661
279600:25:32,280 --> 00:25:33,837
2797And I'm related to one of 'em.
2798
2799662
280000:25:34,730 --> 00:25:36,330
2801I don't know anybody like that.
2802
2803663
280400:25:36,330 --> 00:25:38,260
2805You know, it's not us
2806and them, the people,
2807
2808664
280900:25:38,260 --> 00:25:39,570
2810it's we the people,
2811
2812665
281300:25:39,570 --> 00:25:40,403
2814and we forgot that.
2815
2816666
281700:25:40,403 --> 00:25:43,060
2818And be clear, we do not have to agree
2819
2820667
282100:25:43,060 --> 00:25:45,843
2822but we have to get along
2823or this shit burns down.
2824
2825668
282600:25:45,843 --> 00:25:49,494
2827(audience cheering)
2828(audience applauding)
2829
2830669
283100:25:49,494 --> 00:25:51,911
2832But, if we could get together
2833
2834670
283500:25:53,980 --> 00:25:55,440
2836and show up in Washington together,
2837
2838671
283900:25:55,440 --> 00:25:57,060
2840red baseball hats, pink pussy hats,
2841
2842672
284300:25:57,060 --> 00:25:58,077
2844how ya doin'?
2845
2846673
284700:25:59,990 --> 00:26:01,230
2848Yeah we worked our stuff out,
2849
2850674
285100:26:01,230 --> 00:26:02,210
2852and I gotta be honest.
2853
2854675
285500:26:02,210 --> 00:26:05,093
2856I love lavender organic
2857potpourri, I ain't lyin'.
2858
2859676
286000:26:06,900 --> 00:26:09,020
2861And I don't think meat is murder anymore
2862
2863677
286400:26:09,020 --> 00:26:10,595
2865unless you eat people.
2866
2867678
286800:26:10,595 --> 00:26:12,332
2869(audience laughing)
2870
2871679
287200:26:12,332 --> 00:26:15,582
2873(audience applauding)
2874
2875680
287600:26:16,883 --> 00:26:17,716
2877We?
2878
2879681
288000:26:19,250 --> 00:26:23,073
2881We show up, they are fucked.
2882
2883682
288400:26:24,860 --> 00:26:25,902
2885They wouldn't know--
2886(audience whooping)
2887
2888683
288900:26:25,902 --> 00:26:28,480
2890Yeah.
2891
2892684
289300:26:28,480 --> 00:26:30,080
2894They wouldn't know what to do.
2895
2896685
289700:26:30,080 --> 00:26:31,220
2898They'd have to have a meeting.
2899
2900686
290100:26:31,220 --> 00:26:33,830
2902The meeting would go like
2903this (rapid tenor burbling).
2904
2905687
290600:26:38,912 --> 00:26:42,270
2907(falsetto burbling)
2908
2909688
291000:26:42,270 --> 00:26:43,880
2911And then after that meeting,
2912
2913689
291400:26:43,880 --> 00:26:47,823
2915they would do what they always
2916do when we go after they.
2917
2918690
291900:26:48,750 --> 00:26:51,703
2920They would invent a new them.
2921
2922691
292300:26:53,520 --> 00:26:54,763
2924Over there.
2925
2926692
292700:26:55,830 --> 00:26:56,950
2928Always a brown them.
2929
2930693
293100:26:56,950 --> 00:26:58,590
2932Have you noticed?
2933
2934694
293500:26:58,590 --> 00:26:59,920
2936Oh yeah, Iraq, brown them,
2937
2938695
293900:26:59,920 --> 00:27:00,900
2940Vietnam, brown them.
2941
2942696
294300:27:00,900 --> 00:27:03,700
2944We're all worried about
2945the brown them of Mexico
2946
2947697
294800:27:03,700 --> 00:27:06,010
2949coming across the border right now.
2950
2951698
295200:27:06,010 --> 00:27:07,520
2953Yeah, it's all brown them.
2954
2955699
295600:27:07,520 --> 00:27:08,630
2957Man, we're all scared to death
2958
2959700
296000:27:08,630 --> 00:27:10,330
2961of a North Korean Asian weird haircutted,
2962
2963701
296400:27:10,330 --> 00:27:12,193
2965weird little fat guy them.
2966
2967702
296800:27:14,380 --> 00:27:16,190
2969Anybody here really afraid of North Korea?
2970
2971703
297200:27:16,190 --> 00:27:17,310
2973'Cause I got to be honest.
2974
2975704
297600:27:17,310 --> 00:27:18,750
2977I can throw a Frisbee farther
2978
2979705
298000:27:18,750 --> 00:27:20,591
2981than North Korea can launch a missile.
2982
2983706
298400:27:20,591 --> 00:27:23,652
2985(audience applauding)
2986
2987707
298800:27:23,652 --> 00:27:24,485
2989(audience whistling)
2990
2991708
299200:27:24,485 --> 00:27:26,853
2993With a ton more accuracy.
2994
2995709
299600:27:28,720 --> 00:27:29,730
2997That's why Japan was mad.
2998
2999710
300000:27:29,730 --> 00:27:30,563
3001They didn't care about a nuke,
3002
3003711
300400:27:30,563 --> 00:27:31,472
3005they don't know he doesn't have it.
3006
3007712
300800:27:31,472 --> 00:27:35,472
3009They were like, he don't
3010know where it gonna go.
3011
3012713
301300:27:36,687 --> 00:27:38,520
3014Got to worry about the
3015brown them in Syria.
3016
3017714
301800:27:38,520 --> 00:27:39,740
3019Syria's got chemical weapons.
3020
3021715
302200:27:39,740 --> 00:27:41,850
3023Syria has always had chemical weapons.
3024
3025716
302600:27:41,850 --> 00:27:43,180
3027And they been at war
3028with a bunch of people
3029
3030717
303100:27:43,180 --> 00:27:44,540
3032they can't beat with Russians helping.
3033
3034718
303500:27:44,540 --> 00:27:46,170
3036The guys they're fighting
3037are attacking them
3038
3039719
304000:27:46,170 --> 00:27:47,843
3041driving Toyota pickup trucks.
3042
3043720
304400:27:49,450 --> 00:27:51,520
3045Gimme two boys from
3046Tennessee and one tank.
3047
3048721
304900:27:51,520 --> 00:27:54,160
3050We will jack up some Toyota pickup trucks.
3051
3052722
305300:27:54,160 --> 00:27:56,440
3054(audience applauding)
3055
3056723
305700:27:56,440 --> 00:27:58,760
3058Yeah, but that's the way they do it.
3059
3060724
306100:27:58,760 --> 00:28:01,090
3062That's the way they keep we separate,
3063
3064725
306500:28:01,090 --> 00:28:02,600
3066talking about the them, you know?
3067
3068726
306900:28:02,600 --> 00:28:03,910
3070And also, that the brown them
3071
3072727
307300:28:03,910 --> 00:28:05,070
3074always hates our white Jesus.
3075
3076728
307700:28:05,070 --> 00:28:07,010
3078Remember that, oh, they hate Christianity.
3079
3080729
308100:28:07,010 --> 00:28:08,400
3082Oh, the brown them hates Christianity,
3083
3084730
308500:28:08,400 --> 00:28:09,460
3086they hate the white Jesus.
3087
3088731
308900:28:09,460 --> 00:28:10,300
3090And I have to say this,
3091
3092732
309300:28:10,300 --> 00:28:13,230
3094white Jesus in the Middle
3095East, in the desert?
3096
3097733
309800:28:13,230 --> 00:28:14,063
3099Really?
3100
3101734
310200:28:18,600 --> 00:28:21,350
3103Is Santa Claus also a telepathic unicorn
3104
3105735
310600:28:21,350 --> 00:28:25,530
3107because had Jesus shown up at that time,
3108
3109736
311000:28:25,530 --> 00:28:29,723
3111this color, they woulda
3112killed him a lot faster.
3113
3114737
311500:28:31,159 --> 00:28:33,370
3116(audience whooping)
3117
3118738
311900:28:33,370 --> 00:28:35,493
3120The Bible would have been a pamphlet.
3121
3122739
312300:28:37,769 --> 00:28:39,950
3124Woulda looked like a Bed
3125Bath & Beyond coupon.
3126
3127740
312800:28:39,950 --> 00:28:42,020
3129I don't know.
3130
3131741
313200:28:42,020 --> 00:28:42,853
3133They're handing out Bibles.
3134
3135742
313600:28:42,853 --> 00:28:44,440
3137Says I get 20% off my immortal soul.
3138
3139743
314000:28:44,440 --> 00:28:45,633
3141That's pretty good.
3142
3143744
314400:28:47,019 --> 00:28:47,852
3145I'm gonna put that in a drawer.
3146
3147745
314800:28:47,852 --> 00:28:48,973
3149It's good till April a.d.
3150
3151746
315200:28:52,730 --> 00:28:53,563
3153So, don't buy it,
3154
3155747
315600:28:53,563 --> 00:28:54,850
3157'cause this whole thing
3158that's going on right now
3159
3160748
316100:28:54,850 --> 00:28:56,890
3162with our government is gonna get weirder.
3163
3164749
316500:28:56,890 --> 00:28:58,210
3166Stay we.
3167
3168750
316900:28:58,210 --> 00:29:01,220
3170Don't let they distract you with the them.
3171
3172751
317300:29:01,220 --> 00:29:05,529
3174And one more thing: do not
3175tell they we talked about this.
3176
3177752
317800:29:05,529 --> 00:29:10,529
3179(audience cheering)
3180(audience applauding)
3181
3182753
318300:29:12,350 --> 00:29:14,763
3184I may disappear.
3185
3186754
318700:29:15,990 --> 00:29:18,410
3188Or they will turn me into a them,
3189
3190755
319100:29:18,410 --> 00:29:20,030
3192and then I'll be in
3193Russia with Edward Snowden
3194
3195756
319600:29:20,030 --> 00:29:21,403
3197going, you got any threes?
3198
3199757
320000:29:28,917 --> 00:29:29,834
3201Weird time.
3202
3203758
320400:29:31,400 --> 00:29:33,250
3205Weird time, weird time.
3206
3207759
320800:29:33,250 --> 00:29:34,820
3209Poorly-educated got
3210pissed during election.
3211
3212760
321300:29:34,820 --> 00:29:35,899
3214They kept saying that on the news,
3215
3216761
321700:29:35,899 --> 00:29:38,300
3218the poorly-educated are
3219voting big for Trump.
3220
3221762
322200:29:38,300 --> 00:29:39,470
3223The poorly-educated love Trump,
3224
3225763
322600:29:39,470 --> 00:29:40,303
3227they're voting through the roof for Trump.
3228
3229764
323000:29:40,303 --> 00:29:43,130
3231They poorly-educated
3232think Trump is amazing.
3233
3234765
323500:29:43,130 --> 00:29:44,780
3236Say what you want about
3237Trump, like him or hate him,
3238
3239766
324000:29:44,780 --> 00:29:47,940
3241you have to admit this man has no filter
3242
3243767
324400:29:47,940 --> 00:29:50,442
3245and the biggest balls of
3246anybody we put in that office.
3247
3248768
324900:29:50,442 --> 00:29:51,590
3250(audience applauding)
3251
3252769
325300:29:51,590 --> 00:29:52,870
3254Yeah, yeah.
3255
3256770
325700:29:52,870 --> 00:29:53,840
3258So did Hitler.
3259
3260771
326100:29:53,840 --> 00:29:54,673
3262Don't clap.
3263
3264772
326500:29:56,453 --> 00:29:57,830
3266I got a lot of friends that got big balls
3267
3268773
326900:29:57,830 --> 00:30:01,100
3270and I don't invite 'em over to
3271parties at my house anymore,
3272
3273774
327400:30:01,100 --> 00:30:02,613
3275because the cops follow.
3276
3277775
327800:30:04,870 --> 00:30:06,900
3279Trump had the balls to
3280get on stage in front
3281
3282776
328300:30:06,900 --> 00:30:08,780
3284of thousands of people
3285after that poll came out
3286
3287777
328800:30:08,780 --> 00:30:11,437
3289and he said, "I love the poorly-educated.
3290
3291778
329200:30:11,437 --> 00:30:14,210
3293"I love the poorly-educated."
3294
3295779
329600:30:14,210 --> 00:30:16,783
3297And the poorly-educated
3298were like, he loves us.
3299
3300780
330100:30:23,197 --> 00:30:25,403
3302And he made fun of us
3303in the same sentence.
3304
3305781
330600:30:27,300 --> 00:30:28,380
3307I think he did, I ain't sure.
3308
3309782
331000:30:28,380 --> 00:30:29,603
3311I'm poorly-educated.
3312
3313783
331400:30:31,080 --> 00:30:32,050
3315I got to be honest with you,
3316
3317784
331800:30:32,050 --> 00:30:34,190
3319I don't love the poorly-educated.
3320
3321785
332200:30:34,190 --> 00:30:35,097
3323They're dumb as shit.
3324
3325786
332600:30:35,097 --> 00:30:37,047
3327(audience laughing)
3328
3329787
333000:30:37,047 --> 00:30:38,930
3331(audience clapping)
3332(audience whooping)
3333
3334788
333500:30:38,930 --> 00:30:41,950
3336And they have never helped, not one time.
3337
3338789
333900:30:41,950 --> 00:30:45,130
3340Nothing cool was ever
3341invented by a dumbass.
3342
3343790
334400:30:45,130 --> 00:30:46,900
3345Never happen.
3346
3347791
334800:30:46,900 --> 00:30:48,530
3349They've never cured a disease.
3350
3351792
335200:30:48,530 --> 00:30:49,690
3353They didn't fix your car better.
3354
3355793
335600:30:49,690 --> 00:30:51,030
3357They didn't fix your phone.
3358
3359794
336000:30:51,030 --> 00:30:52,330
3361You know, when the poorly-educated
3362
3363795
336400:30:52,330 --> 00:30:54,030
3365do built something, it always falls over
3366
3367796
336800:30:54,030 --> 00:30:56,243
3369and crushes the meth lab, every time!
3370
3371797
337200:30:58,890 --> 00:31:01,230
3373The poorly-educated can suck my left nut,
3374
3375798
337600:31:01,230 --> 00:31:02,850
3377thank you very much.
3378
3379799
338000:31:02,850 --> 00:31:05,500
3381And, why can I talk smack
3382about the poorly-educated?
3383
3384800
338500:31:05,500 --> 00:31:08,119
3386Because I, ha ha, am one of them.
3387
3388801
338900:31:08,119 --> 00:31:09,224
3390(audience whooping)
3391(audience applauding)
3392
3393802
339400:31:09,224 --> 00:31:10,057
3395Yes!
3396
3397803
339800:31:12,840 --> 00:31:15,033
3399I am the poorly-educated Lizard King.
3400
3401804
340200:31:16,360 --> 00:31:18,220
3403I'm not making that up,
3404I'm not making that,
3405
3406805
340700:31:18,220 --> 00:31:19,640
3408I did not graduate high school.
3409
3410806
341100:31:19,640 --> 00:31:20,713
3412I was let go.
3413
3414807
341500:31:23,366 --> 00:31:25,990
3416I was laid off from my senior year.
3417
3418808
341900:31:25,990 --> 00:31:28,540
3420I showed up and they went,
3421we filled your position.
3422
3423809
342400:31:30,140 --> 00:31:31,210
3425Said, but I'm not done.
3426
3427810
342800:31:31,210 --> 00:31:32,223
3429Oh, yes, you are.
3430
3431811
343200:31:33,450 --> 00:31:34,440
3433And I'm not making that up.
3434
3435812
343600:31:34,440 --> 00:31:36,760
3437California public schools,
3438at that time, were so bad.
3439
3440813
344100:31:36,760 --> 00:31:38,610
3442It didn't matter what grade you got,
3443
3444814
344500:31:38,610 --> 00:31:40,520
3446they just kept herding
3447you through the system.
3448
3449815
345000:31:40,520 --> 00:31:41,600
3451They're like, moo-ve.
3452
3453816
345400:31:42,907 --> 00:31:43,740
3455Moo-ve!
3456
3457817
345800:31:44,870 --> 00:31:46,920
3459Couldn't spell move, but I was movin' on.
3460
3461818
346200:31:49,160 --> 00:31:50,173
3463I'm not making this up.
3464
3465819
346600:31:50,173 --> 00:31:51,770
3467And I'm not stupid, obviously,
3468
3469820
347000:31:51,770 --> 00:31:54,358
3471but I'm uneducated, you know?
3472
3473821
347400:31:54,358 --> 00:31:57,403
3475I was just smart enough to
3476know I was a raging idiot.
3477
3478822
347900:31:59,210 --> 00:32:00,090
3480I'm not making this up.
3481
3482823
348300:32:00,090 --> 00:32:02,600
3484My last report card of my 8th grade year,
3485
3486824
348700:32:02,600 --> 00:32:05,443
3488I got four Fs and a D,
3489
3490825
349100:32:06,316 --> 00:32:07,816
3492and I was like, D!
3493
3494826
349500:32:13,202 --> 00:32:14,035
3496And I went to my teachers,
3497
3498827
349900:32:14,035 --> 00:32:14,960
3500ah, I guess I'll be back next year.
3501
3502828
350300:32:14,960 --> 00:32:17,353
3504They went, no, no, no,
3505you're a ninth grader now.
3506
3507829
350800:32:19,936 --> 00:32:21,270
3509-  Yeah!
3510
3511830
351200:32:21,270 --> 00:32:23,423
3513- Nine is the number after eight.
3514
3515831
351600:32:27,080 --> 00:32:28,310
3517So, I had to get smart after school
3518
3519832
352000:32:28,310 --> 00:32:30,370
3521because I wanted to be a comedian.
3522
3523833
352400:32:30,370 --> 00:32:33,040
3525And just to be clear, this is the only job
3526
3527834
352800:32:33,040 --> 00:32:34,743
3529I am qualified to do.
3530
3531835
353200:32:36,280 --> 00:32:39,193
3533And I've already pissed some
3534of you off doing it tonight.
3535
3536836
353700:32:41,080 --> 00:32:42,610
3538But as a comedian, you have to know
3539
3540837
354100:32:42,610 --> 00:32:43,660
3542what you're talkin about.
3543
3544838
354500:32:43,660 --> 00:32:44,890
3546You can't just make stuff up.
3547
3548839
354900:32:44,890 --> 00:32:46,080
3550You can't be like, Abe Lincoln
3551
3552840
355300:32:46,080 --> 00:32:48,232
3554was the best Cambodian
3555president we ever had.
3556
3557841
355800:32:48,232 --> 00:32:49,210
3559You know?
3560
3561842
356200:32:49,210 --> 00:32:51,080
3563'Member the kimchi wars of 1312
3564
3565843
356600:32:51,080 --> 00:32:52,880
3567we signed the Declaration of Codependence?
3568
3569844
357000:32:52,880 --> 00:32:53,853
3571That was insane.
3572
3573845
357400:32:55,402 --> 00:32:57,392
3575You just look like a dumbass.
3576
3577846
357800:32:57,392 --> 00:32:59,190
3579So to be good at comedy,
3580so I was accurate,
3581
3582847
358300:32:59,190 --> 00:33:00,450
3584I started studying after school.
3585
3586848
358700:33:00,450 --> 00:33:03,180
3588I did, I went back and I studied history,
3589
3590849
359100:33:03,180 --> 00:33:05,435
3592and science, and math.
3593
3594850
359500:33:05,435 --> 00:33:07,635
3596I haven't written a
3597whole lot of math jokes.
3598
3599851
360000:33:10,235 --> 00:33:12,443
3601And when I did, the exponent was wrong.
3602
3603852
360400:33:14,850 --> 00:33:16,965
3605And that's the only math
3606joke I have ever written.
3607
3608853
360900:33:16,965 --> 00:33:19,662
3610(audience cheering)
3611
3612854
361300:33:19,662 --> 00:33:21,329
3614Thank you very much.
3615
3616855
361700:33:25,104 --> 00:33:27,203
3618And I don't understand it.
3619
3620856
362100:33:31,730 --> 00:33:33,930
3622So now, when I want to write
3623comedy about something,
3624
3625857
362600:33:33,930 --> 00:33:35,250
3627I have to study it really hard,
3628
3629858
363000:33:35,250 --> 00:33:37,620
3631and I've been studying the
3632alt-right for the while now,
3633
3634859
363500:33:37,620 --> 00:33:38,453
3636the alternate right.
3637
3638860
363900:33:38,453 --> 00:33:39,830
3640They said, Trump got
3641helped by the alt-right.
3642
3643861
364400:33:39,830 --> 00:33:41,220
3645The alternative right helped Trump.
3646
3647862
364800:33:41,220 --> 00:33:42,560
3649If you don't know what the alt-right is,
3650
3651863
365200:33:42,560 --> 00:33:43,900
3653best definition I can give you
3654
3655864
365600:33:43,900 --> 00:33:45,130
3657is it rhymes with all white.
3658
3659865
366000:33:45,130 --> 00:33:46,563
3661Let's leave it there.
3662
3663866
366400:33:47,480 --> 00:33:49,200
3665And thank God.
3666
3667867
366800:33:49,200 --> 00:33:51,300
3669Thank God somebody is finally standing up
3670
3671868
367200:33:51,300 --> 00:33:53,323
3673for the oppressed white man in America.
3674
3675869
367600:33:54,240 --> 00:33:55,720
3677We have had that boot heel of oppression
3678
3679870
368000:33:55,720 --> 00:33:58,000
3681on our necks for how long, gentlemen?
3682
3683871
368400:33:58,000 --> 00:33:59,650
3685My God, we haven't committed genocide
3686
3687872
368800:33:59,650 --> 00:34:01,440
3689on a brown people in a coon's age!
3690
3691873
369200:34:01,440 --> 00:34:02,307
3693Am I right?
3694
3695874
369600:34:02,307 --> 00:34:03,640
3697(audience laughing)
3698
3699875
370000:34:03,640 --> 00:34:06,890
3701(audience whooping)
3702
3703876
370400:34:06,890 --> 00:34:09,273
3705Let's a white guilt flow, whitey, come on.
3706
3707877
370800:34:11,180 --> 00:34:13,350
3709Yeah, amazing to me.
3710
3711878
371200:34:13,350 --> 00:34:15,190
3713240 years of white presidents.
3714
3715879
371600:34:15,190 --> 00:34:17,983
3717We had a one black guy
3718and whitey had a stroke.
3719
3720880
372100:34:19,150 --> 00:34:20,547
372243 white guys, one black guy,
3723
3724881
372500:34:20,547 --> 00:34:22,320
3726and white people are
3727like, no more black guys,
3728
3729882
373000:34:22,320 --> 00:34:23,600
3731no more black guys, no, no, no.
3732
3733883
373400:34:23,600 --> 00:34:24,500
3735Why? Why?
3736
3737884
373800:34:24,500 --> 00:34:27,050
3739I'll tell you why, the NBA and golf.
3740
3741885
374200:34:27,050 --> 00:34:28,740
3743Right there, that's why, right there.
3744
3745886
374600:34:28,740 --> 00:34:30,440
3747And those sisters took over tennis,
3748
3749887
375000:34:30,440 --> 00:34:32,270
3751and North Korea's got ping pong.
3752
3753888
375400:34:32,270 --> 00:34:33,103
3755All we got left is white guys,
3756
3757889
375800:34:33,103 --> 00:34:34,300
3759and you throw that thing on the ice,
3760
3761890
376200:34:34,300 --> 00:34:35,246
3763and you sweep in front of it.
3764
3765891
376600:34:35,246 --> 00:34:36,079
3767That's all we got.
3768
3769892
377000:34:36,079 --> 00:34:37,128
3771That's all we got!
3772
3773893
377400:34:37,128 --> 00:34:38,545
3775Look like idiots.
3776
3777894
377800:34:39,527 --> 00:34:40,930
3779And a woman president?
3780
3781895
378200:34:40,930 --> 00:34:43,523
3783Are you out of your (blows raspberries).
3784
3785896
378600:34:43,523 --> 00:34:46,660
3787No, no, no, I don't care if
3788she most qualified we ever had.
3789
3790897
379100:34:46,660 --> 00:34:50,063
3792Emails, Benghazi, Bill
3793Clinton's deplorable penis, ah!
3794
3795898
379600:34:51,938 --> 00:34:54,938
3797(audience laughing)
3798
3799899
380000:34:57,490 --> 00:34:59,470
3801Yeah, we didn't want a
3802vagina in the White House
3803
3804900
380500:34:59,470 --> 00:35:02,346
3806so we voted for the
3807other side of the taint.
3808
3809901
381000:35:02,346 --> 00:35:03,952
3811(audience groaning)
3812
3813902
381400:35:03,952 --> 00:35:06,690
3815(audience chortling)
3816(audience applauding)
3817
3818903
381900:35:06,690 --> 00:35:07,523
3820Good joke.
3821
3822904
382300:35:08,513 --> 00:35:10,170
3824Good joke.
3825
3826905
382700:35:10,170 --> 00:35:11,003
3828Good joke.
3829
3830906
383100:35:12,219 --> 00:35:15,620
3832I know, even the Trump people
3833gotta be like, all right.
3834
3835907
383600:35:15,620 --> 00:35:18,310
3837That's a good joke,
3838that's a really good joke.
3839
3840908
384100:35:18,310 --> 00:35:21,473
3842Lemme tell you how good
3843that joke actually is.
3844
3845909
384600:35:22,560 --> 00:35:24,190
3847So, I got rid of my old
3848show, Born with a Defect.
3849
3850910
385100:35:24,190 --> 00:35:25,910
3852I wrote it and filmed
3853it, just got rid of it.
3854
3855911
385600:35:25,910 --> 00:35:26,743
3857And I always write new stuff
3858
3859912
386000:35:26,743 --> 00:35:27,900
3861'cause I always want you guys to come back
3862
3863913
386400:35:27,900 --> 00:35:28,733
3865and see new material.
3866
3867914
386800:35:28,733 --> 00:35:29,610
3869You know, it's not fair to you guys,
3870
3871915
387200:35:29,610 --> 00:35:30,443
3873keep me repeating stuff.
3874
3875916
387600:35:30,443 --> 00:35:31,710
3877So, I wrote the new show,
3878
3879917
388000:35:31,710 --> 00:35:33,200
3881and I've been doing this so long
3882
3883918
388400:35:33,200 --> 00:35:35,660
3885I don't check where I go anymore.
3886
3887919
388800:35:35,660 --> 00:35:36,850
3889So, that Monday, I called my agent.
3890
3891920
389200:35:36,850 --> 00:35:37,710
3893I go, where am I going this weekend?
3894
3895921
389600:35:37,710 --> 00:35:38,703
3897He goes, Alabama.
3898
3899922
390000:35:39,838 --> 00:35:42,838
3901(audience laughing)
3902
3903923
390400:35:43,800 --> 00:35:44,633
3905No.
3906
3907924
390800:35:46,861 --> 00:35:48,580
3909I am not going to Alabama
3910
3911925
391200:35:49,770 --> 00:35:51,753
3913because Kevlar is expensive.
3914
3915926
391600:35:54,941 --> 00:35:55,774
3917But if you know me at all,
3918
3919927
392000:35:55,774 --> 00:35:57,850
3921you know damn well I'm going to Alabama.
3922
3923928
392400:35:57,850 --> 00:35:59,370
3925I figure if I get shot,
3926
3927929
392800:35:59,370 --> 00:36:00,327
3929I'll be super famous,
3930
3931930
393200:36:00,327 --> 00:36:02,463
3933and I could really use a bump right now.
3934
3935931
393600:36:04,660 --> 00:36:06,780
3937Yeah, I've been I've been thinking
3938
3939932
394000:36:06,780 --> 00:36:09,430
3941about sexually assaulted
3942somebody just for the press.
3943
3944933
394500:36:11,090 --> 00:36:12,790
3946Sign up sheet at the door, ladies.
3947
3948934
394900:36:14,040 --> 00:36:16,687
3950Or dudes, let's get weird,
3951whatever you wanna do.
3952
3953935
395400:36:21,078 --> 00:36:22,300
3955So, I go to Alabama.
3956
3957936
395800:36:22,300 --> 00:36:23,730
3959First night, I'm in Birmingham, Alabama,
3960
3961937
396200:36:23,730 --> 00:36:26,070
3963and the show was so raw at the time.
3964
3965938
396600:36:26,070 --> 00:36:29,540
3967I have 40 new pages, I'm
3968reading them off a stool.
3969
3970939
397100:36:29,540 --> 00:36:31,000
3972And I think that's what saved me,
3973
3974940
397500:36:31,000 --> 00:36:34,080
3976'cause in Alabama, they couldn't
3977believe I could do that.
3978
3979941
398000:36:34,080 --> 00:36:37,380
3981(audience laughing)
3982
3983942
398400:36:37,380 --> 00:36:39,390
3985They were like, he looks at the paper
3986
3987943
398800:36:39,390 --> 00:36:40,950
3989and then says what it says.
3990
3991944
399200:36:40,950 --> 00:36:42,523
3993He's like a warlock.
3994
3995945
399600:36:46,741 --> 00:36:50,010
3997And I wish I was only being
3998half truthful about that joke.
3999
4000946
400100:36:50,010 --> 00:36:52,180
4002The second night, though, I
4003went to Huntsville, Alabama.
4004
4005947
400600:36:52,180 --> 00:36:53,330
4007Huntsville, Alabama is different
4008
4009948
401000:36:53,330 --> 00:36:55,290
4011because you don't wanna
4012just make fun of Alabama,
4013
4014949
401500:36:55,290 --> 00:36:56,620
4016'cause it's got all the aerospace there,
4017
4018950
401900:36:56,620 --> 00:36:58,550
4020Lockheed is there, you know,
4021
4022951
402300:36:58,550 --> 00:37:00,660
4024and all this crazy
4025aerospace, NASA's there.
4026
4027952
402800:37:00,660 --> 00:37:02,280
4029So in Huntsville, Alabama
4030
4031953
403200:37:02,280 --> 00:37:06,410
4033it's rednecks and rocket scientists,
4034
4035954
403600:37:06,410 --> 00:37:08,943
4037and they been a-minglin' since the '60s.
4038
4039955
404000:37:10,130 --> 00:37:13,140
4041So you meet some weird ass
4042people in Huntsville, Alabama.
4043
4044956
404500:37:13,140 --> 00:37:15,790
4046Yeah, we figured out the
4047orbit of Alpha Centauri
4048
4049957
405000:37:15,790 --> 00:37:17,057
4051for the next 1,500 years
4052
4053958
405400:37:17,057 --> 00:37:20,123
4055and my mama makes a damn
4056good lizard cornbread.
4057
4058959
405900:37:25,925 --> 00:37:26,758
4060So, I go to Huntsville.
4061
4062960
406300:37:26,758 --> 00:37:28,140
4064It's a brand new club.
4065
4066961
406700:37:28,140 --> 00:37:29,490
4068I'm the opening, grand opening
4069
4070962
407100:37:29,490 --> 00:37:31,520
4072because they know Titus is
4073gonna tell goofy stories
4074
4075963
407600:37:31,520 --> 00:37:34,720
4077about his dad. (chuckling)
4078
4079964
408000:37:34,720 --> 00:37:36,123
4081And I'm doing this show.
4082
4083965
408400:37:37,400 --> 00:37:38,310
4085And it was going well.
4086
4087966
408800:37:38,310 --> 00:37:39,144
4089There's some smart people in the audience.
4090
4091967
409200:37:39,144 --> 00:37:40,380
4093Everybody's cool, you know?
4094
4095968
409600:37:40,380 --> 00:37:41,213
4097They were laughing, a lot of 'em.
4098
4099969
410000:37:41,213 --> 00:37:43,293
4101There was like nine people
4102that really enjoyed it.
4103
4104970
410500:37:45,135 --> 00:37:46,660
4106And there was a table right over here
4107
4108971
410900:37:46,660 --> 00:37:48,800
4110of eight people and these people looked
4111
4112972
411300:37:49,670 --> 00:37:51,693
4114like they had swamp-boated in.
4115
4116973
411700:37:53,607 --> 00:37:54,650
4118I am not kidding.
4119
4120974
412100:37:54,650 --> 00:37:57,873
4122Everything you think Alabama
4123is was sitting at that table.
4124
4125975
412600:37:59,040 --> 00:38:00,720
4127One guy had a beard this long,
4128
4129976
413000:38:00,720 --> 00:38:03,190
4131looked like Uncle Jesse
4132from Dukes of Hazzard.
4133
4134977
413500:38:03,190 --> 00:38:06,670
4136I keep calling him Duck
4137Dynasty the whole show.
4138
4139978
414000:38:06,670 --> 00:38:08,220
4141Audience laughs, he doesn't laugh
4142
4143979
414400:38:08,220 --> 00:38:09,970
4145'cause he thinks it's a compliment.
4146
4147980
414800:38:13,810 --> 00:38:15,930
4149But the man next to
4150him is this giant Bubba
4151
4152981
415300:38:15,930 --> 00:38:17,330
4154wearing a red white and blue jersey
4155
4156982
415700:38:17,330 --> 00:38:20,647
4158that says 45 and Trump
4159across the shoulder.
4160
4161983
416200:38:20,647 --> 00:38:21,560
4163(audience groans in dismay)
4164
4165984
416600:38:21,560 --> 00:38:22,760
4167And I'm doing this show.
4168
4169985
417000:38:24,660 --> 00:38:26,803
4171Both guys are watching the show like this.
4172
4173986
417400:38:29,730 --> 00:38:31,157
4175I get to that joke.
4176
4177987
417800:38:31,157 --> 00:38:32,930
4179Ah, didn't want a vagina
4180in the White House
4181
4182988
418300:38:32,930 --> 00:38:34,780
4184so we voted for the
4185other side of the taint.
4186
4187989
418800:38:34,780 --> 00:38:36,640
4189And the guy with the beard goes...
4190
4191990
419200:38:40,170 --> 00:38:41,531
4193All right, goddammit, that's pretty funny.
4194
4195991
419600:38:41,531 --> 00:38:43,013
4197All right, (mumbles).
4198
4199992
420000:38:43,013 --> 00:38:46,494
4201And I was like, comedy
4202can heal the nation, yes!
4203
4204993
420500:38:46,494 --> 00:38:48,472
4206(audience applauding)
4207(audience cheering)
4208
4209994
421000:38:48,472 --> 00:38:49,305
4211Yes!
4212
4213995
421400:38:51,480 --> 00:38:53,533
4215Punchlines will bring us together.
4216
4217996
421800:38:54,840 --> 00:38:57,573
4219We will bridge the chasm with sarcasm.
4220
4221997
422200:39:00,200 --> 00:39:01,820
4223So, let's talk about the
4224alt-right for a second.
4225
4226998
422700:39:01,820 --> 00:39:03,650
4228The alt-right is a group of white guys
4229
4230999
423100:39:03,650 --> 00:39:05,010
4232that believe America should be
4233
42341000
423500:39:05,010 --> 00:39:07,590
4236a all-white country
4237like it always has been
4238
42391001
424000:39:07,590 --> 00:39:09,993
4241because they don't read a lot.
4242
42431002
424400:39:12,900 --> 00:39:14,380
4245They don't like immigration, brown people,
4246
42471003
424800:39:14,380 --> 00:39:15,270
4249black people, and Jews.
4250
42511004
425200:39:15,270 --> 00:39:18,580
4253Oh, oh, oh, oh, and they
4254hate political correctness.
4255
42561005
425700:39:18,580 --> 00:39:20,243
4258They wanna keep it ra-zeal.
4259
42601006
426100:39:22,360 --> 00:39:23,193
4262Really?
4263
42641007
426500:39:24,350 --> 00:39:25,670
4266You hate political correctness,
4267
42681008
426900:39:25,670 --> 00:39:27,440
4270and why would you call
4271yourself the alternative right?
4272
42731009
427400:39:27,440 --> 00:39:30,090
4275You sound like a shitty
4276Miley Cyrus metal cover band.
4277
42781010
427900:39:32,390 --> 00:39:34,693
4280We're the alt-right and
4281we're gonna rock you.
4282
42831011
428400:39:36,696 --> 00:39:38,700
4285Because if you don't like immigration,
4286
42871012
428800:39:38,700 --> 00:39:40,300
4289brown people, black people, and Jews,
4290
42911013
429200:39:40,300 --> 00:39:43,313
4293the non-political-correct term is Nazi.
4294
42951014
429600:39:45,820 --> 00:39:46,991
4297You're a Nazi.
4298
42991015
430000:39:46,991 --> 00:39:48,441
4301And, and, hey.
4302
43031016
430400:39:48,441 --> 00:39:49,740
4305I'm not calling you a Nazi.
4306
43071017
430800:39:49,740 --> 00:39:52,390
4309Let's just go to the chart
4310'cause it matches exactly.
4311
43121018
431300:39:53,260 --> 00:39:55,910
4314In fact, if you didn't know
4315that's what a Nazi was,
4316
43171019
431800:39:55,910 --> 00:39:57,650
4319you guys are like Nazi-stradamus.
4320
43211020
432200:39:57,650 --> 00:39:58,963
4323That's amazing to me.
4324
43251021
432600:40:00,610 --> 00:40:02,880
4327And why would you spend
4328all that money and time
4329
43301022
433100:40:02,880 --> 00:40:04,960
4332marketing a new name when
4333you already got a logo
4334
43351023
433600:40:04,960 --> 00:40:06,253
4337that everybody knows?
4338
43391024
434000:40:09,202 --> 00:40:10,780
4341And that real cool high five?
4342
43431025
434400:40:10,780 --> 00:40:11,882
4345Come on, man.
4346
43471026
434800:40:11,882 --> 00:40:15,049
4349(audience applauding)
4350
43511027
435200:40:16,310 --> 00:40:17,143
4353I love it.
4354
43551028
435600:40:18,680 --> 00:40:19,610
4357The alternative right,
4358
43591029
436000:40:19,610 --> 00:40:22,023
4361we don't call serial
4362killers cadaver creators.
4363
43641030
436500:40:24,490 --> 00:40:27,303
4366You guys don't buy your drugs
4367from a street CEO, do you?
4368
43691031
437000:40:28,660 --> 00:40:30,860
4371Yes, I scored my meth
4372today from the president
4373
43741032
437500:40:30,860 --> 00:40:33,510
4376of the company and his office
4377is behind the Dumpster.
4378
43791033
438000:40:34,831 --> 00:40:36,281
4381I believe they're remodeling.
4382
43831034
438400:40:37,900 --> 00:40:40,720
4385If you're a Nazi, just say you're a Nazi,
4386
43871035
438800:40:40,720 --> 00:40:42,003
4389you fuckin' Nazi.
4390
43911036
439200:40:44,842 --> 00:40:46,010
4393I can't believe they're coming back, man.
4394
43951037
439600:40:46,010 --> 00:40:47,110
4397That Charlottesville thing,
4398
43991038
440000:40:47,110 --> 00:40:50,810
4401that was a ragtag ass group
4402of Nazis, was that not?
4403
44041039
440500:40:50,810 --> 00:40:52,603
4406That was not the varsity.
4407
44081040
440900:40:54,370 --> 00:40:58,193
4410I have never been
4411offended for Nazis before.
4412
44131041
441400:41:00,160 --> 00:41:01,993
4415Those guys needed a seminar, man.
4416
44171042
441800:41:02,830 --> 00:41:06,480
4419They need like a Tony Robbins
4420Nazi to help their ass out.
4421
44221043
442300:41:06,480 --> 00:41:09,103
4424I would like to welcome
4425everyone to the seminar!
4426
44271044
442800:41:14,227 --> 00:41:15,730
4429I would like to point
4430some of you were late.
4431
44321045
443300:41:15,730 --> 00:41:17,020
4434Nazis aren't late!
4435
44361046
443700:41:21,378 --> 00:41:24,380
4438Now, I have a couple of
4439announcements before we get started.
4440
44411047
444200:41:24,380 --> 00:41:27,919
4443At the break we will be having juice.
4444
44451048
444600:41:27,919 --> 00:41:30,919
4447(audience laughing)
4448
44491049
445000:41:31,818 --> 00:41:34,100
4451(audience applauding)
4452
44531050
445400:41:34,100 --> 00:41:35,150
4455You don't like juice?
4456
44571051
445800:41:37,190 --> 00:41:38,833
4459I love fresh-squeezed juice.
4460
44611052
446200:41:45,320 --> 00:41:47,330
4463So Nazis, let's talk about the details.
4464
44651053
446600:41:47,330 --> 00:41:50,930
4467I saw the Charlottesville
4468video, and all I have to say
4469
44701054
447100:41:50,930 --> 00:41:51,830
4472is (rapid tsking).
4473
44741055
447500:41:56,020 --> 00:41:57,253
4476Details.
4477
44781056
447900:41:58,180 --> 00:42:01,163
4480Nazis do not wear Lynyrd
4481Skynyrd tee-shirts.
4482
44831057
448400:42:02,860 --> 00:42:04,750
4485We hate the Lynyrd Skynyrd.
4486
44871058
448800:42:05,830 --> 00:42:07,229
4489We like the Eagles.
4490
44911059
449200:42:07,229 --> 00:42:08,999
4493(audience laughing)
4494
44951060
449600:42:08,999 --> 00:42:11,719
4497(audience applauding)
4498
44991061
450000:42:11,719 --> 00:42:12,552
4501Yes.
4502
45031062
450400:42:14,740 --> 00:42:16,873
4505It's on all the logos.
4506
45071063
450800:42:18,890 --> 00:42:19,950
4509Some other details:
4510
45111064
451200:42:19,950 --> 00:42:21,550
4513I saw the flags you were flying.
4514
45151065
451600:42:21,550 --> 00:42:23,793
4517Yes, yes I saw the flags you were flying,
4518
45191066
452000:42:24,778 --> 00:42:26,466
4521the Confederate flag,
4522
45231067
452400:42:26,466 --> 00:42:29,090
4525(speaks in foreign
4526language) the Nazi flag.
4527
45281068
452900:42:29,090 --> 00:42:30,870
4530Which, by the way, don't tell anyone,
4531
45321069
453300:42:30,870 --> 00:42:33,470
4534were two of the biggest
4535historic losers of all time.
4536
45371070
453800:42:35,138 --> 00:42:35,971
4539Sh.
4540
45411071
454200:42:38,378 --> 00:42:40,830
4543But I noticed as you were flying the flag,
4544
45451072
454600:42:40,830 --> 00:42:41,894
4547they were all wrinkled
4548
45491073
455000:42:41,894 --> 00:42:43,393
4551(speaks in foreign language) crinkled.
4552
45531074
455400:42:45,840 --> 00:42:46,673
4555Details.
4556
45571075
455800:42:46,673 --> 00:42:50,143
4559Nazis, if you're going to hate, steam.
4560
45611076
456200:42:50,143 --> 00:42:53,143
4563(audience laughing)
4564
45651077
456600:42:55,343 --> 00:42:58,510
4567(audience applauding)
4568
45691078
457000:42:59,413 --> 00:43:03,573
4571That is my favorite joke of the new show.
4572
45731079
457400:43:03,573 --> 00:43:06,573
4575(audience cheering)
4576
45771080
457800:43:07,422 --> 00:43:08,339
4579And well...
4580
45811081
458200:43:10,542 --> 00:43:11,480
4583There's a lot of reasons
4584why they say Trump won.
4585
45861082
458700:43:11,480 --> 00:43:13,013
4588It's not because he's the best guy.
4589
45901083
459100:43:13,013 --> 00:43:13,846
4592There's a lot of reasons.
4593
45941084
459500:43:13,846 --> 00:43:15,180
4596They said, oh, he won because
4597Obamacare was too bad.
4598
45991085
460000:43:15,180 --> 00:43:17,210
4601I disagree, I think it's
4602'cause Obamacare was too good.
4603
46041086
460500:43:17,210 --> 00:43:18,043
4606I'm not making this up.
4607
46081087
460900:43:18,043 --> 00:43:19,343
4610The top 10 states that voted for Trump
4611
46121088
461300:43:19,343 --> 00:43:20,840
4614are also the top 10 states
4615
46161089
461700:43:20,840 --> 00:43:23,860
4618with the highest
4619prescription opioid abuse,
4620
46211090
462200:43:23,860 --> 00:43:26,453
4623so Obamacare was working its ass off.
4624
46251091
462600:43:27,600 --> 00:43:30,743
4627People had all their drugs
4628in Costco quantities.
4629
46301092
463100:43:32,060 --> 00:43:34,250
4632And here's what bothers me about that:
4633
46341093
463500:43:34,250 --> 00:43:36,140
4636you get busted for driving high
4637
46381094
463900:43:36,140 --> 00:43:38,423
4640but you can vote high whenever you want>
4641
46421095
464300:43:39,290 --> 00:43:40,850
4644That's where we need
4645some damn checkpoints,
4646
46471096
464800:43:40,850 --> 00:43:41,850
4649at the voting booth.
4650
46511097
465200:43:42,950 --> 00:43:44,140
4653Have just troopers lined up,
4654
46551098
465600:43:44,140 --> 00:43:44,973
4657the wrong guy comes in.
4658
46591099
466000:43:44,973 --> 00:43:48,180
4661Woo, I'm here to vote for my man, Don T.
4662
46631100
466400:43:48,180 --> 00:43:50,850
4665Sir, can you step out of line, please sir?
4666
46671101
466800:43:50,850 --> 00:43:52,090
4669Yes sir, step over here, sir.
4670
46711102
467200:43:52,090 --> 00:43:54,563
4673I'm gonna give you a voter
4674sobriety test right now.
4675
46761103
467700:43:55,710 --> 00:43:57,513
4678No, sir, there's no spelling, relax.
4679
46801104
468100:44:00,898 --> 00:44:02,890
4682(audience whooping)
4683
46841105
468500:44:02,890 --> 00:44:04,570
4686Sir, I'm gonna ask you a couple question
4687
46881106
468900:44:04,570 --> 00:44:05,410
4690and based on your answers,
4691
46921107
469300:44:05,410 --> 00:44:06,810
4694we're gonna determine
4695whether you're capable
4696
46971108
469800:44:06,810 --> 00:44:08,100
4699of voting in an American election.
4700
47011109
470200:44:08,100 --> 00:44:09,100
4703Are you ready?
4704
47051110
470600:44:09,100 --> 00:44:10,500
4707Sir, do you think 9/11 was a hoax?
4708
47091111
471000:44:10,500 --> 00:44:13,280
4711Hell, yeah and then chem
4712trails killed my dog.
4713
47141112
471500:44:13,280 --> 00:44:14,570
4716Get on the floor, right now!
4717
47181113
471900:44:14,570 --> 00:44:16,012
4720Get on the floor!
4721
47221114
472300:44:16,012 --> 00:44:17,412
4724Get on the floor!
4725
47261115
472700:44:17,412 --> 00:44:19,212
4728Back away from the booth, right now!
4729
47301116
473100:44:21,241 --> 00:44:22,074
4732Yeah.
4733
47341117
473500:44:23,480 --> 00:44:24,880
4736Yeah, I got one.
4737
47381118
473900:44:25,810 --> 00:44:26,643
4740Can I tase him?
4741
47421119
474300:44:28,258 --> 00:44:31,327
4744(imitates electric buzzing)
4745Sorry, I tased him.
4746
47471120
474800:44:31,327 --> 00:44:34,015
4749No, no, no, we're good,
4750my body camera was off.
4751
47521121
475300:44:34,015 --> 00:44:35,807
4754(audience laughing)
4755
47561122
475700:44:35,807 --> 00:44:38,905
4758(audience applauding)
4759(audience whooping)
4760
47611123
476200:44:38,905 --> 00:44:39,738
4763Yeah?
4764
47651124
476600:44:41,510 --> 00:44:44,020
4767So, here's what I think
4768happened in those states.
4769
47701125
477100:44:44,020 --> 00:44:45,650
4772Pico woke up the day after the election,
4773
47741126
477500:44:45,650 --> 00:44:48,280
4776like damn, baby, what
4777did we do last night?
4778
47791127
478000:44:49,363 --> 00:44:51,130
4781Why I can barely feel my right leg.
4782
47831128
478400:44:51,130 --> 00:44:51,963
4785That was a good night.
4786
47871129
478800:44:51,963 --> 00:44:52,796
4789I don't remember nothing.
4790
47911130
479200:44:52,796 --> 00:44:53,629
4793You remember anything?
4794
47951131
479600:44:53,629 --> 00:44:54,933
4797Whoo, ha ha.
4798
47991132
480000:44:57,650 --> 00:45:02,473
4801Baby, I got a sticker on
4802my forehead says I voted.
4803
48041133
480500:45:05,360 --> 00:45:06,510
4806Quick, let's see what happened.
4807
48081134
480900:45:06,510 --> 00:45:08,092
4810Turn on the learnin' box.
4811
48121135
481300:45:08,092 --> 00:45:11,175
4814(audience laughing)
4815
48161136
481700:45:17,921 --> 00:45:19,000
4818And the news was crazy.
4819
48201137
482100:45:19,000 --> 00:45:20,233
4822The news says things this last election,
4823
48241138
482500:45:20,233 --> 00:45:21,066
4826I didn't get it.
4827
48281139
482900:45:21,066 --> 00:45:22,630
4830They kept saying things like,
4831
48321140
483300:45:22,630 --> 00:45:25,000
4834the disenfranchised white
4835male worker's voting big,
4836
48371141
483800:45:25,000 --> 00:45:25,850
4839big for Trump.
4840
48411142
484200:45:25,850 --> 00:45:26,920
4843The disenfranchised white male
4844
48451143
484600:45:26,920 --> 00:45:28,117
4847from the rust belt states just loves Trump
4848
48491144
485000:45:28,117 --> 00:45:29,200
4851and is voting big.
4852
48531145
485400:45:29,200 --> 00:45:30,530
4855The disenfranchised white male.
4856
48571146
485800:45:30,530 --> 00:45:32,960
4859How come when I black guy
4860doesn't have a job, he's lazy,
4861
48621147
486300:45:32,960 --> 00:45:34,190
4864but when I white guy doesn't have a job,
4865
48661148
486700:45:34,190 --> 00:45:35,683
4868he's disenfranchised?
4869
48701149
487100:45:37,040 --> 00:45:39,040
4872No, I'm not unemployed.
4873
48741150
487500:45:39,040 --> 00:45:42,723
4876I'm disenfranchised and this
4877is an amazing Chardonnay.
4878
48791151
488000:45:46,200 --> 00:45:47,320
4881Black people, I have to be honest,
4882
48831152
488400:45:47,320 --> 00:45:48,290
4885it's the only time in my life,
4886
48871153
488800:45:48,290 --> 00:45:49,730
4889it's the one reason I'm happy I'm white.
4890
48911154
489200:45:49,730 --> 00:45:51,440
4893That's my word, I use it all the time.
4894
48951155
489600:45:51,440 --> 00:45:53,900
4897No, no, no my ex-wife did not cheat on me,
4898
48991156
490000:45:53,900 --> 00:45:56,702
4901she disenfranchised me
4902with two other gentlemen.
4903
49041157
490500:45:56,702 --> 00:45:57,835
4906(audience laughing)
4907
49081158
490900:45:57,835 --> 00:45:58,668
4910(audience applauding)
4911
49121159
491300:45:58,668 --> 00:46:03,130
4914Yes, and then, her lawyer disenfranchised
4915
49161160
491700:46:03,130 --> 00:46:04,883
4918the shit out of my bank account.
4919
49201161
492100:46:06,840 --> 00:46:07,870
4922It was a bad year.
4923
49241162
492500:46:07,870 --> 00:46:10,713
4926I was bent over a table and
4927repeatedly disenfranchised.
4928
49291163
493000:46:15,040 --> 00:46:17,008
4931(audience whooping)
4932
49331164
493400:46:17,008 --> 00:46:19,810
4935Such a bullshit word, man.
4936
49371165
493800:46:19,810 --> 00:46:21,873
4939It sounds like the Taco Bell
4940near you got closed down,
4941
49421166
494300:46:21,873 --> 00:46:23,060
4944doesn't it?
4945
49461167
494700:46:23,060 --> 00:46:25,783
4948No more Gorditas, guys,
4949we've been disenfranchised.
4950
49511168
495200:46:28,800 --> 00:46:30,210
4953But there's a grain of truth in it,
4954
49551169
495600:46:30,210 --> 00:46:31,740
4957there's a grain of truth
4958in that reason, man.
4959
49601170
496100:46:31,740 --> 00:46:32,670
4962You know why, 'cause in America
4963
49641171
496500:46:32,670 --> 00:46:33,840
4966we are taught from the second we're born
4967
49681172
496900:46:33,840 --> 00:46:35,890
4970you can be or do anything in America.
4971
49721173
497300:46:35,890 --> 00:46:37,260
4974The American dream, right?
4975
49761174
497700:46:37,260 --> 00:46:39,170
4978The land of opportunity, you can be in it.
4979
49801175
498100:46:39,170 --> 00:46:41,210
4982If you start with zero,
4983you could be a millionaire.
4984
49851176
498600:46:41,210 --> 00:46:43,090
4987In America, you can be anything.
4988
49891177
499000:46:43,090 --> 00:46:44,190
4991And after you hear that your whole life,
4992
49931178
499400:46:44,190 --> 00:46:46,480
4995you find yourself 40, 50 years
4996old, you haven't made it.
4997
49981179
499900:46:46,480 --> 00:46:47,530
5000You're pissed.
5001
50021180
500300:46:47,530 --> 00:46:49,793
5004I was there when I was 18, frankly.
5005
50061181
500700:46:51,130 --> 00:46:52,480
5008No, because we had this kid in our school,
5009
50101182
501100:46:52,480 --> 00:46:53,750
5012Rod Kana-maka-pua.
5013
50141183
501500:46:53,750 --> 00:46:56,060
5016Yeah, he was Hawaiian,
5017so he was a brown them.
5018
50191184
502000:46:56,060 --> 00:46:56,893
5021Ho-ho.
5022
50231185
502400:46:58,398 --> 00:46:59,980
5025And then I found out Hawaii was a state,
5026
50271186
502800:46:59,980 --> 00:47:00,830
5029so I let that go.
5030
50311187
503200:47:04,830 --> 00:47:06,220
5033But Rod was our valedictorian.
5034
50351188
503600:47:06,220 --> 00:47:09,150
5037Straight A student,
5038lettered in four sports.
5039
50401189
504100:47:09,150 --> 00:47:11,640
5042On top of that, he was a nice guy.
5043
50441190
504500:47:11,640 --> 00:47:12,945
5046Fuck him.
5047
50481191
504900:47:12,945 --> 00:47:17,945
5050(audience laughing)
5051(audience applauding)
5052
50531192
505400:47:19,140 --> 00:47:21,160
5055We all know that, yet I was
5056mad at him for a long time,
5057
50581193
505900:47:21,160 --> 00:47:22,710
5060'cause he went to MIT,
5061full-ride scholarship,
5062
50631194
506400:47:22,710 --> 00:47:24,060
5065started a company, made a bunch of money.
5066
50671195
506800:47:24,060 --> 00:47:26,040
5069And I remember being mad
5070for a long time at this guy,
5071
50721196
507300:47:26,040 --> 00:47:27,500
5074and then one day, I woke up to the fact
5075
50761197
507700:47:27,500 --> 00:47:29,770
5078I can't be mad at somebody
5079who went to class,
5080
50811198
508200:47:29,770 --> 00:47:31,090
5083got a degree and started a company
5084
50851199
508600:47:31,090 --> 00:47:34,033
5087while I bought four jet
5088skis at 21% interest.
5089
50901200
509100:47:37,082 --> 00:47:38,880
5092I could have gone to a
5093community college, you know,
5094
50951201
509600:47:38,880 --> 00:47:40,420
5097but instead I moved to a rural area
5098
50991202
510000:47:40,420 --> 00:47:41,253
5101where things were cheaper,
5102
51031203
510400:47:41,253 --> 00:47:42,280
5105and there's a lot of people like me.
5106
51071204
510800:47:42,280 --> 00:47:43,933
5109You know, pasty, furry, angry,
5110
51111205
511200:47:45,170 --> 00:47:47,923
5113smelling of Pabst Blue Ribbon
5114and misspelled tattoos.
5115
51161206
511700:47:49,220 --> 00:47:50,830
5118And we'd sit around
5119after the game on Sunday
5120
51211207
512200:47:50,830 --> 00:47:52,250
5123and bitch about the elites
5124running crap, we'd say
5125
51261208
512700:47:52,250 --> 00:47:54,900
5128and then we play another
5129round of racial slur Jeopardy!
5130
51311209
513200:47:54,900 --> 00:47:57,010
5133Yeah.
5134
51351210
513600:47:57,010 --> 00:47:58,250
5137Yeah, we talked about the minorities
5138
51391211
514000:47:58,250 --> 00:47:59,850
5141sucking at the government tit, we'd say,
5142
51431212
514400:47:59,850 --> 00:48:03,000
5145as we folded our welfare
5146checks into our wallets,
5147
51481213
514900:48:03,000 --> 00:48:04,680
5150not seeing the irony or knowing
5151
51521214
515300:48:04,680 --> 00:48:06,313
5154what irony means, ironically.
5155
51561215
515700:48:08,380 --> 00:48:10,010
5158And while we did that,
5159the nerds, and the geeks,
5160
51611216
516200:48:10,010 --> 00:48:11,330
5163and the elites did impossible things
5164
51651217
516600:48:11,330 --> 00:48:12,960
5167like read and not get DUIs
5168
51691218
517000:48:15,383 --> 00:48:16,870
5171while I let my fourth girlfriend pop out
5172
51731219
517400:48:16,870 --> 00:48:18,080
5175our seventh little diaper-filler,
5176
51771220
517800:48:18,080 --> 00:48:19,830
5179then scream get them
5180kids outta my meth lab!
5181
51821221
518300:48:19,830 --> 00:48:20,933
5184That's my man cave,
5185
51861222
518700:48:22,280 --> 00:48:23,250
5188plus, I just rebuilt it.
5189
51901223
519100:48:23,250 --> 00:48:24,690
5192It might fall over and crush another one.
5193
51941224
519500:48:24,690 --> 00:48:25,523
5196You don't know.
5197
51981225
519900:48:28,786 --> 00:48:30,360
5200And then one day, I woke up angry,
5201
52021226
520300:48:30,360 --> 00:48:34,403
5204bitter, unemployed, in debt, racist.
5205
52061227
520700:48:36,530 --> 00:48:37,843
5208But I still had Netflix.
5209
52101228
521100:48:41,290 --> 00:48:43,450
5212I'm gonna have to be honest
5213with everybody tonight.
5214
52151229
521600:48:43,450 --> 00:48:46,130
5217In America, if you're a white man
5218
52191230
522000:48:46,130 --> 00:48:49,422
5221and you can't make something
5222happen in this country...
5223
52241231
522500:48:49,422 --> 00:48:50,980
5226(chuckling)
5227
52281232
522900:48:50,980 --> 00:48:52,023
5230It ain't China.
5231
52321233
523300:48:53,630 --> 00:48:54,620
5234It ain't Mexico.
5235
52361234
523700:48:54,620 --> 00:48:55,453
5238It ain't NAFTA.
5239
52401235
524100:48:55,453 --> 00:48:56,720
5242It ain't TBP.
5243
52441236
524500:48:56,720 --> 00:48:58,950
5246In America, if you're a capable white man
5247
52481237
524900:48:58,950 --> 00:49:02,803
5250and you can't make something
5251happen, that's on you.
5252
52531238
525400:49:03,870 --> 00:49:05,257
5255(audience applauding)
5256(audience whooping)
5257
52581239
525900:49:05,257 --> 00:49:07,007
5260That's on you, sorry.
5261
52621240
526300:49:08,246 --> 00:49:09,079
5264And...
5265
52661241
526700:49:10,690 --> 00:49:13,280
5268Do you wanna know how I know that?
5269
52701242
527100:49:13,280 --> 00:49:15,403
5272I am a D/F student.
5273
52741243
527500:49:17,150 --> 00:49:20,040
5276On paper, I should be
5277being forcibly snuggled
5278
52791244
528000:49:20,040 --> 00:49:22,373
5281in a penitentiary right now,
5282
52831245
528400:49:24,490 --> 00:49:27,193
5285and you guys paid to see me.
5286
52871246
528800:49:27,193 --> 00:49:29,043
5289(audience applauding)
5290(audience cheering)
5291
52921247
529300:49:29,043 --> 00:49:30,293
5294That's America.
5295
52961248
529700:49:31,473 --> 00:49:32,723
5298That's America.
5299
53001249
530100:49:35,073 --> 00:49:37,100
5302I love this country, best place ever.
5303
53041250
530500:49:37,100 --> 00:49:38,010
5306I've been all over the world.
5307
53081251
530900:49:38,010 --> 00:49:38,843
5310This is the best.
5311
53121252
531300:49:38,843 --> 00:49:40,077
5314You want to know how good America is?
5315
53161253
531700:49:40,077 --> 00:49:42,210
5318Let me explain to you how good America is.
5319
53201254
532100:49:42,210 --> 00:49:44,350
5322In America, if you don't have a job,
5323
53241255
532500:49:44,350 --> 00:49:46,250
5326you can walk out into the middle
5327
53281256
532900:49:46,250 --> 00:49:48,680
5330of the Home Depot parking lot,
5331
53321257
533300:49:48,680 --> 00:49:52,704
5334stand there, and a job will drive up.
5335
53361258
533700:49:52,704 --> 00:49:55,323
5338(audience laughing)
5339(audience clapping)
5340
53411259
534200:49:55,323 --> 00:49:58,323
5343(audience whooping)
5344
53451260
534600:50:01,150 --> 00:50:02,863
5347Why, yes, I am disenfranchised.
5348
53491261
535000:50:04,646 --> 00:50:06,530
5351I would love to help
5352you dig a sewer trench
5353
53541262
535500:50:06,530 --> 00:50:07,483
5356in your backyard.
5357
53581263
535900:50:09,136 --> 00:50:10,636
5360Manuel, after you.
5361
53621264
536300:50:12,350 --> 00:50:14,650
5364Manuel, you do realize
5365I'm the foreman, right?
5366
53671265
536800:50:17,300 --> 00:50:19,006
5369That's a little joke for
5370the alternative right,
5371
53721266
537300:50:19,006 --> 00:50:20,353
5374that's for you guys, there you go.
5375
53761267
537700:50:20,353 --> 00:50:22,675
5378(audience cheering)
5379
53801268
538100:50:22,675 --> 00:50:25,740
5382I love this country.
5383
53841269
538500:50:25,740 --> 00:50:27,120
5386There's no other place in the world
5387
53881270
538900:50:27,120 --> 00:50:28,795
5390I could do what I do
5391and be successful at it.
5392
53931271
539400:50:28,795 --> 00:50:29,880
5395And you know what I
5396hate more than anything?
5397
53981272
539900:50:29,880 --> 00:50:31,080
5400When people insult America.
5401
54021273
540300:50:31,080 --> 00:50:32,570
5404Don't you hate it when
5405people insult America?
5406
54071274
540800:50:32,570 --> 00:50:33,403
5409I know what you hate, don't you hate it
5410
54111275
541200:50:33,403 --> 00:50:34,550
5413when people insult this
5414country, don't you?
5415
54161276
541700:50:34,550 --> 00:50:35,500
5418I hate it, man.
5419
54201277
542100:50:35,500 --> 00:50:36,880
5422Make America Great Again.
5423
54241278
542500:50:36,880 --> 00:50:38,350
5426Fuck you, it's great right now.
5427
54281279
542900:50:38,350 --> 00:50:39,320
5430What are you talking about?
5431
54321280
543300:50:39,320 --> 00:50:43,740
5434Have you been here?
5435(audience cheering)
5436
54371281
543800:50:43,740 --> 00:50:45,590
5439Pissed me off, man.
5440
54411282
544200:50:45,590 --> 00:50:47,880
5443This is the best country in the world,
5444
54451283
544600:50:47,880 --> 00:50:49,130
5447and I want you to know I love it
5448
54491284
545000:50:49,130 --> 00:50:51,280
5451more than anything, and that's why tonight
5452
54531285
545400:50:51,280 --> 00:50:53,920
5455will be my last comedy show,
5456
54571286
545800:50:53,920 --> 00:50:55,410
5459because tomorrow,
5460
54611287
546200:50:55,410 --> 00:50:57,792
5463I start running for president
5464of these United States.
5465
54661288
546700:50:57,792 --> 00:51:00,472
5468(audience cheering)
5469
54701289
547100:51:00,472 --> 00:51:01,668
5472Yeah.
5473
54741290
547500:51:01,668 --> 00:51:03,319
5476Yeah, I know, thank you.
5477
54781291
547900:51:03,319 --> 00:51:05,790
5480Now, why should I be president?
5481
54821292
548300:51:05,790 --> 00:51:07,020
5484Well, didn't we all look at the TV
5485
54861293
548700:51:07,020 --> 00:51:08,080
5488at one point in last two years
5489
54901294
549100:51:08,080 --> 00:51:10,593
5492and go, fuck, I can do this?
5493
54941295
549500:51:11,910 --> 00:51:14,280
5496I'm a lot like him, tall
5497white guy with a giant head.
5498
54991296
550000:51:14,280 --> 00:51:15,113
5501There you go.
5502
55031297
550400:51:16,240 --> 00:51:17,723
5505My hands are bigger, sorry.
5506
55071298
550800:51:19,620 --> 00:51:21,282
5509And you're welcome.
5510
55111299
551200:51:21,282 --> 00:51:24,572
5513(audience laughing)
5514
55151300
551600:51:24,572 --> 00:51:25,405
5517I'm a lot like him.
5518
55191301
552000:51:25,405 --> 00:51:28,523
5521I say stupid, crazy, insane
5522shit on stage all the time,
5523
55241302
552500:51:30,680 --> 00:51:32,390
5526but that's where him
5527and I differ, you know?
5528
55291303
553000:51:32,390 --> 00:51:33,420
5531We start to split off there.
5532
55331304
553400:51:33,420 --> 00:51:35,003
5535I don't have any bankruptcies.
5536
55371305
553800:51:37,220 --> 00:51:41,120
5539I pay my taxes, late, but I pay 'em,
5540
55411306
554200:51:41,120 --> 00:51:42,667
5543plus penalties (angry growling).
5544
55451307
554600:51:45,080 --> 00:51:47,448
5547I don't have any rape cases to settle.
5548
55491308
555000:51:47,448 --> 00:51:51,328
5551(audience whooping)
5552(audience applauding)
5553
55541309
555500:51:51,328 --> 00:51:55,550
5556I don't have some fake-ass
5557college con to pay off.
5558
55591310
556000:51:55,550 --> 00:51:57,430
5561I have never paid off a porn star,
5562
55631311
556400:51:57,430 --> 00:51:59,783
5565but I have been paid by one.
5566
55671312
556800:52:06,151 --> 00:52:07,650
5569I'm only on my second wife.
5570
55711313
557200:52:07,650 --> 00:52:11,911
5573And I only grab pussy
5574when it asks politely,
5575
55761314
557700:52:11,911 --> 00:52:14,922
5578(loud cheering)
5579
55801315
558100:52:14,922 --> 00:52:18,005
5582which is the number one rule of that.
5583
55841316
558500:52:21,070 --> 00:52:22,980
5586I'm also not part of
5587any group, either, man.
5588
55891317
559000:52:22,980 --> 00:52:23,813
5591You know, I'm not.
5592
55931318
559400:52:23,813 --> 00:52:24,827
5595I'm not part of any Dem/Repub or whatever.
5596
55971319
559800:52:24,827 --> 00:52:26,110
5599And no one's paying me.
5600
56011320
560200:52:26,110 --> 00:52:28,773
5603I'm here and it's 115 degrees in Arizona.
5604
56051321
560600:52:30,212 --> 00:52:32,640
5607Yeah, I'm a pure America, 100%, man.
5608
56091322
561000:52:32,640 --> 00:52:33,480
5611You know, I'm not part of any group.
5612
56131323
561400:52:33,480 --> 00:52:34,730
5615I believe what Groucho Marx said:
5616
56171324
561800:52:34,730 --> 00:52:35,980
5619I would never be part of any group
5620
56211325
562200:52:35,980 --> 00:52:37,530
5623that would have me as a member.
5624
56251326
562600:52:38,390 --> 00:52:39,477
5627Great joke.
5628
56291327
563000:52:39,477 --> 00:52:41,160
5631You know, I did try to
5632join Black Lives Matter.
5633
56341328
563500:52:41,160 --> 00:52:43,553
5636That was a long interview, man.
5637
56381329
563900:52:45,500 --> 00:52:46,470
5640But a good leader listens,
5641
56421330
564300:52:46,470 --> 00:52:47,320
5644so I went to a couple meetings
5645
56461331
564700:52:47,320 --> 00:52:48,153
5648and I sat there and I just listened
5649
56501332
565100:52:48,153 --> 00:52:48,986
5652to what they were talking.
5653
56541333
565500:52:48,986 --> 00:52:50,800
5656When they said how do we
5657stop being mad about slavery?
5658
56591334
566000:52:50,800 --> 00:52:52,400
5661I said, let's have a white sale.
5662
56631335
566400:52:53,856 --> 00:52:55,730
5665Yeah, it didn't...
5666
56671336
566800:52:55,730 --> 00:52:57,687
5669Yeah, it didn't...
5670
56711337
567200:52:57,687 --> 00:53:00,357
5673It didn't go the way I
5674thought it would, you know?
5675
56761338
567700:53:00,357 --> 00:53:01,820
5678And I thought it was real funny,
5679
56801339
568100:53:01,820 --> 00:53:02,860
5682'cause it was also Easter.
5683
56841340
568500:53:02,860 --> 00:53:03,710
5686That's hilarious.
5687
56881341
568900:53:06,490 --> 00:53:07,670
5690I'm not a racist or bigot.
5691
56921342
569300:53:07,670 --> 00:53:09,710
5694The only people I think
5695should be killed instantly
5696
56971343
569800:53:09,710 --> 00:53:11,960
5699are family law attorneys
5700and Toyota Prius drivers.
5701
57021344
570300:53:11,960 --> 00:53:13,110
5704That's it, right there.
5705
57061345
570700:53:14,877 --> 00:53:17,070
5708I'm sorry, you Toyota Prius people,
5709
57101346
571100:53:17,070 --> 00:53:19,170
5712do you know what you do to the highways,
5713
57141347
571500:53:19,170 --> 00:53:20,003
5716do you have any?
5717
57181348
571900:53:20,003 --> 00:53:20,836
5720You just screw things up,
5721
57221349
572300:53:20,836 --> 00:53:22,640
5724they you clear it, and we all go, uh.
5725
57261350
572700:53:22,640 --> 00:53:23,480
5728And then you come back.
5729
57301351
573100:53:23,480 --> 00:53:26,270
5732You're like the herpes of the
5733highway, that's what you are.
5734
57351352
573600:53:27,250 --> 00:53:29,980
5737Here are three things you are
5738never gonna hear in your life:
5739
57401353
574100:53:29,980 --> 00:53:32,113
5742whoa, look at that bad-ass Prius.
5743
57441354
574500:53:34,185 --> 00:53:35,397
5746Whoa, that Prius is hauling ass
5747
57481355
574900:53:35,397 --> 00:53:37,523
5750and that driver seems so competent.
5751
57521356
575300:53:39,380 --> 00:53:42,130
5754Dude, I got my new Prius,
5755bring on the ladies.
5756
57571357
575800:53:44,715 --> 00:53:47,035
5759Three things never heard.
5760
57611358
576200:53:47,035 --> 00:53:49,490
5763I do blame the Prius for
5764part of the election.
5765
57661359
576700:53:49,490 --> 00:53:51,180
5768Here's the thing, I did not understand
5769
57701360
577100:53:51,180 --> 00:53:52,440
5772about why people were frustrated.
5773
57741361
577500:53:52,440 --> 00:53:53,810
5776They keep talking about
5777everyone's frustrated.
5778
57791362
578000:53:53,810 --> 00:53:55,360
5781Well, you look at the history,
5782
57831363
578400:53:55,360 --> 00:53:57,430
5785eight years before this last election,
5786
57871364
578800:53:57,430 --> 00:54:01,430
5789our economy had crashed,
5790and then at the end of that,
5791
57921365
579300:54:01,430 --> 00:54:02,390
5794housing had gone up.
5795
57961366
579700:54:02,390 --> 00:54:05,330
5798It was 20% higher than
5799it was before the crash,
5800
58011367
580200:54:05,330 --> 00:54:07,090
5803and the stock market had tripled,
5804
58051368
580600:54:07,090 --> 00:54:09,580
5807and unemployment had gone from 12% to 5%.
5808
58091369
581000:54:09,580 --> 00:54:11,200
5811We'd saved General Motors and Chrysler.
5812
58131370
581400:54:11,200 --> 00:54:12,180
5815Bin Laden got killed.
5816
58171371
581800:54:12,180 --> 00:54:13,340
5819Why were people frustrated?
5820
58211372
582200:54:13,340 --> 00:54:14,343
5823Toyota Prius.
5824
58251373
582600:54:18,280 --> 00:54:20,460
5827Every Prius I've ever been
5828behind at a stoplight,
5829
58301374
583100:54:20,460 --> 00:54:21,293
5832that light turns green,
5833
58341375
583500:54:21,293 --> 00:54:23,913
5836takes at least six seconds to drive away.
5837
58381376
583900:54:24,830 --> 00:54:25,947
5840Doesn't sound like a lot, does it?
5841
58421377
584300:54:25,947 --> 00:54:29,820
5844You're behind that idiot: One, two, three,
5845
58461378
584700:54:29,820 --> 00:54:31,847
5848four, five, go!
5849
58501379
585100:54:32,699 --> 00:54:34,222
5852(audience laughing)
5853
58541380
585500:54:34,222 --> 00:54:37,389
5856(audience applauding)
5857
58581381
585900:54:39,490 --> 00:54:42,290
586020 million Priuses on the
5861road, 200 million drivers,
5862
58631382
586400:54:42,290 --> 00:54:45,490
5865that means a lot of us are
5866behind these idiots all the time,
5867
58681383
586900:54:45,490 --> 00:54:46,999
5870and after a day of it, you don't
5871know what's wrong with you,
5872
58731384
587400:54:46,999 --> 00:54:47,910
5875you're just in a bad mood,
5876
58771385
587800:54:47,910 --> 00:54:48,743
5879and you get home and your wife goes,
5880
58811386
588200:54:48,743 --> 00:54:49,576
5883what's the matter with you?
5884
58851387
588600:54:49,576 --> 00:54:51,070
5887I don't know, it just feels
5888like I can't get anywhere
5889
58901388
589100:54:51,070 --> 00:54:52,960
5892in America anymore, you know?
5893
58941389
589500:54:52,960 --> 00:54:54,200
5896I just can't get ahead.
5897
58981390
589900:54:54,200 --> 00:54:56,050
5900I'm stopped at every turn, goddammit.
5901
59021391
590300:54:56,050 --> 00:54:57,180
5904I don't know what to do.
5905
59061392
590700:54:57,180 --> 00:55:00,540
5908I'm gonna vote for a
5909reality television star.
5910
59111393
591200:55:00,540 --> 00:55:01,633
5913Is Snooki running?
5914
59151394
591600:55:03,438 --> 00:55:04,271
5917-  I'd run.
5918
59191395
592000:55:04,271 --> 00:55:06,710
5921- Then sweet potato Hitler it is.
5922
59231396
592400:55:06,710 --> 00:55:09,349
5925(audience laughing)
5926
59271397
592800:55:09,349 --> 00:55:11,683
5929Yeah, I know, too rough, too far, too far.
5930
59311398
593200:55:14,000 --> 00:55:16,420
5933And in fact, if I could get
5934two family law attorneys
5935
59361399
593700:55:16,420 --> 00:55:17,253
5938go get in opposing Priuses
5939
59401400
594100:55:17,253 --> 00:55:19,460
5942and have an 80 mile-an-hour
5943head-on collision,
5944
59451401
594600:55:19,460 --> 00:55:21,543
5947oh, that would make me hard.
5948
59491402
595000:55:28,690 --> 00:55:29,560
5951I'm a pure American.
5952
59531403
595400:55:29,560 --> 00:55:31,360
5955I love capitalism and democracy.
5956
59571404
595800:55:31,360 --> 00:55:32,720
5959Yeah, that's why I should be
5960a good president, you know?
5961
59621405
596300:55:32,720 --> 00:55:35,420
5964I hate communism, any
5965ideology where you have
5966
59671406
596800:55:35,420 --> 00:55:38,100
5969to wait in line for toilet
5970paper is very oppressive
5971
59721407
597300:55:38,100 --> 00:55:39,873
5974and very pro skid mark.
5975
59761408
597700:55:42,543 --> 00:55:44,130
5978I also don't believe in
5979trickle-down economics.
5980
59811409
598200:55:44,130 --> 00:55:44,963
5983I had to read about it, though.
5984
59851410
598600:55:44,963 --> 00:55:45,950
5987I've been hearing about it since Reagan.
5988
59891411
599000:55:45,950 --> 00:55:47,290
5991I actually spent three weeks,
5992
59931412
599400:55:47,290 --> 00:55:49,020
5995I can break down trickle-down economics
5996
59971413
599800:55:49,020 --> 00:55:50,410
5999to you guys in one sentence.
6000
60011414
600200:55:50,410 --> 00:55:51,525
6003Are you ready?
6004- No.
6005
60061415
600700:55:51,525 --> 00:55:52,370
6008(audience member whoops)
6009
60101416
601100:55:52,370 --> 00:55:56,030
6012- If we give rich people more money,
6013
60141417
601500:55:56,030 --> 00:55:58,623
6016they will give it to poor people.
6017
60181418
601900:56:03,370 --> 00:56:04,520
6020Even the poorly-educated are like,
6021
60221419
602300:56:04,520 --> 00:56:06,353
6024well, that sound like bullshit.
6025
60261420
602700:56:07,904 --> 00:56:10,373
6028(audience applauding)
6029(audience whooping)
6030
60311421
603200:56:10,373 --> 00:56:11,206
6033Anyway.
6034
60351422
603600:56:13,980 --> 00:56:14,980
6037How 'bout you give it to us,
6038
60391423
604000:56:14,980 --> 00:56:15,980
6041we'll trickle it up.
6042
60431424
604400:56:18,920 --> 00:56:20,520
6045Only trickle-down I believe in
6046
60471425
604800:56:20,520 --> 00:56:23,903
6049is when I leave the men's
6050room wearing light gray pants.
6051
60521426
605300:56:26,008 --> 00:56:27,227
6054I've witnessed that one.
6055
60561427
605700:56:29,236 --> 00:56:30,069
6058I'm not a Libertarian either,
6059
60601428
606100:56:30,069 --> 00:56:31,300
6062although in a Titus administration,
6063
60641429
606500:56:31,300 --> 00:56:32,480
6066we're gonna bring the size of government
6067
60681430
606900:56:32,480 --> 00:56:34,240
6070down a little bit, but these
6071hard-core Libertarians?
6072
60731431
607400:56:34,240 --> 00:56:35,780
6075I don't want any government in my life!
6076
60771432
607800:56:35,780 --> 00:56:39,480
6079Good, when I steal your
6080car, don't call the cops.
6081
60821433
608300:56:39,480 --> 00:56:40,710
6084Your house is on fire.
6085
60861434
608700:56:40,710 --> 00:56:41,723
6088That's a bitch.
6089
60901435
609100:56:44,010 --> 00:56:45,160
6092No, I'd call the fire department,
6093
60941436
609500:56:45,160 --> 00:56:47,650
6096but I don't want to
6097screw with your beliefs.
6098
60991437
610000:56:47,650 --> 00:56:50,150
6101Oo, that insulation makes
6102a pretty blue, don't it?
6103
61041438
610500:56:54,351 --> 00:56:57,103
6106I didn't say I wasn't gonna
6107be a asshole president.
6108
61091439
611000:56:59,780 --> 00:57:00,970
6111(laughing)
6112
61131440
611400:57:00,970 --> 00:57:01,933
6115When it comes to legislate,
6116
61171441
611800:57:01,933 --> 00:57:03,600
6119oh, and by the way, I'm
6120not a socialist either.
6121
61221442
612300:57:03,600 --> 00:57:05,130
6124When did socialist become an insult?
6125
61261443
612700:57:05,130 --> 00:57:05,963
6128Socialist!
6129
61301444
613100:57:05,963 --> 00:57:07,240
6132Do you guys know what socialism is?
6133
61341445
613500:57:07,240 --> 00:57:09,430
6136We all work together,
6137especially democratic socialism,
6138
61391446
614000:57:09,430 --> 00:57:10,680
6141you work hard, really together,
6142
61431447
614400:57:10,680 --> 00:57:12,770
6145and we all share, and we
6146all build each other up.
6147
61481448
614900:57:12,770 --> 00:57:14,730
6150That's what it is, no one gets
6151$1 billion, no one gets $1.
6152
61531449
615400:57:14,730 --> 00:57:15,640
6155That's socialism.
6156
61571450
615800:57:15,640 --> 00:57:18,010
6159I think it's the -ism that
6160bothers people, you know?
6161
61621451
616300:57:18,010 --> 00:57:20,373
6164Communism, racism, you know?
6165
61661452
616700:57:21,740 --> 00:57:22,960
6168Nazism.
6169
61701453
617100:57:22,960 --> 00:57:25,810
6172I want to change your name to social-gasm
6173
61741454
617500:57:25,810 --> 00:57:26,911
6176and we all get off.
6177
61781455
617900:57:26,911 --> 00:57:27,962
6180(audience laughing)
6181
61821456
618300:57:27,962 --> 00:57:29,873
6184(audience applauding)
6185(audience whooping)
6186
61871457
618800:57:29,873 --> 00:57:31,395
6189Yeah.
6190
61911458
619200:57:31,395 --> 00:57:33,191
6193There you go.
6194
61951459
619600:57:33,191 --> 00:57:35,760
6197Then, then try to use it as an insult.
6198
61991460
620000:57:35,760 --> 00:57:36,593
6201Social-gasmist!
6202
62031461
620400:57:36,593 --> 00:57:38,663
6205Uh, uh, yeah.
6206
62071462
620800:57:40,960 --> 00:57:42,366
6209Sorry, I got a little trickle-down.
6210
62111463
621200:57:42,366 --> 00:57:45,770
6213(audience laughing)
6214
62151464
621600:57:45,770 --> 00:57:47,010
6217When it comes to legislation
6218
62191465
622000:57:47,010 --> 00:57:48,370
6221in the Titus Administration,
6222
62231466
622400:57:48,370 --> 00:57:50,080
6225we're not gonna legislate
6226where you go to the bathroom.
6227
62281467
622900:57:50,080 --> 00:57:52,170
6230You look like a dude,
6231pee where the dudes pee.
6232
62331468
623400:57:52,170 --> 00:57:53,700
6235You look like a chick,
6236pee where the chicks pee.
6237
62381469
623900:57:53,700 --> 00:57:55,340
6240If you don't, go behind
6241the Dumpster, weirdo,
6242
62431470
624400:57:55,340 --> 00:57:57,303
6245you're creeping everybody out.
6246
62471471
624800:57:59,324 --> 00:58:01,370
6249And when it comes to
6250gay troops in America,
6251
62521472
625300:58:01,370 --> 00:58:03,380
6254I'm sorry you wanna step
6255in front of a bullet
6256
62571473
625800:58:03,380 --> 00:58:04,420
6259to protect our freedom?
6260
62611474
626200:58:04,420 --> 00:58:06,323
6263God bless, thank you very
6264much for doing that for us.
6265
62661475
626700:58:06,323 --> 00:58:10,573
6268(crowd cheering drowns out speech)
6269
62701476
627100:58:14,170 --> 00:58:16,520
6272And transgender troops?
6273
62741477
627500:58:16,520 --> 00:58:18,440
6276I want transgenders in the military.
6277
62781478
627900:58:18,440 --> 00:58:19,273
6280Are you kidding me?
6281
62821479
628300:58:19,273 --> 00:58:21,440
6284You had the balls to
6285cut off your own balls?
6286
62871480
628800:58:21,440 --> 00:58:22,523
6289That's pretty ballsy.
6290
62911481
629200:58:24,710 --> 00:58:27,803
6293I'm sorry, that's a committed
6294individual right there.
6295
62961482
629700:58:28,800 --> 00:58:30,740
6298Titus, who's the bravest
6299man in your platoon?
6300
63011483
630200:58:30,740 --> 00:58:31,573
6303Linda.
6304
63051484
630600:58:36,485 --> 00:58:39,068
6307And I will follow him anywhere.
6308
63091485
631000:58:40,230 --> 00:58:42,013
6311In fact, I'm gonna
6312draft transgender people
6313
63141486
631500:58:42,013 --> 00:58:45,053
6316into the military and form
6317elite groups of trans Seals.
6318
63191487
632000:58:46,320 --> 00:58:48,823
6321And we will never go to war ever again.
6322
63231488
632400:58:49,710 --> 00:58:51,740
6325We are going to kill
6326the infidel Americans.
6327
63281489
632900:58:51,740 --> 00:58:52,790
6330Who are they sending over?
6331
63321490
633300:58:52,790 --> 00:58:54,005
6334Well, sir, intelligence tells us
6335
63361491
633700:58:54,005 --> 00:58:55,620
6338they're sending over the trans Seals.
6339
63401492
634100:58:55,620 --> 00:58:57,930
6342Ah, who are these trans Seals?
6343
63441493
634500:58:57,930 --> 00:58:59,630
6346Sir, it's a group of people
6347who cut off their testicles
6348
63491494
635000:58:59,630 --> 00:59:00,540
6351and sewed up their vaginas.
6352
63531495
635400:59:00,540 --> 00:59:02,823
6355Ah, they were prisoners,
6356it was punishment.
6357
63581496
635900:59:04,390 --> 00:59:05,223
6360No.
6361
63621497
636300:59:09,960 --> 00:59:12,760
6364They asked to have it done,
6365then paid for it themselves.
6366
63671498
636800:59:21,864 --> 00:59:26,864
6369(audience applauding)
6370(audience laughing)
6371
63721499
637300:59:35,520 --> 00:59:37,251
6374Changing hearts and minds, bitches.
6375
63761500
637700:59:37,251 --> 00:59:39,490
6378(chuckling)
6379
63801501
638100:59:39,490 --> 00:59:41,330
6382That trans Seal bit I did,
6383
63841502
638500:59:41,330 --> 00:59:42,250
6386first time I wrote it, I was doing it
6387
63881503
638900:59:42,250 --> 00:59:44,830
6390at the Downtown Club here
6391in Arizona, in Phoenix
6392
63931504
639400:59:44,830 --> 00:59:45,990
6395and I did it.
6396
63971505
639800:59:45,990 --> 00:59:47,330
6399Next day, my Facebook lights up
6400
64011506
640200:59:47,330 --> 00:59:49,480
6403with this mom flipping
6404out, five paragraphs.
6405
64061507
640700:59:49,480 --> 00:59:51,670
6408Oh my God, my son is
6409trans, and he loved you,
6410
64111508
641200:59:51,670 --> 00:59:52,503
6413you're his favorite comedian.
6414
64151509
641600:59:52,503 --> 00:59:53,820
6417And since you, that trans bit,
6418
64191510
642000:59:53,820 --> 00:59:55,980
6421he hates you now, and
6422he wants you to know.
6423
64241511
642500:59:55,980 --> 00:59:58,463
6426It's not a mutilation, it's a restoration.
6427
64281512
642901:00:00,283 --> 01:00:02,420
6430(heavy sighing)
6431
64321513
643301:00:02,420 --> 01:00:05,300
6434Well, restoration means you put it back
6435
64361514
643701:00:05,300 --> 01:00:06,600
6438the way it was originally.
6439
64401515
644101:00:10,460 --> 01:00:12,883
6442At best, it's a renovation.
6443
64441516
644501:00:18,691 --> 01:00:21,177
6446And you really just
6447remodeled the bathroom.
6448
64491517
645001:00:21,177 --> 01:00:22,859
6451(audience laughing)
6452
64531518
645401:00:22,859 --> 01:00:25,140
6455(audience applauding)
6456
64571519
645801:00:25,140 --> 01:00:27,390
6459Oh, yeah, call out everybody.
6460
64611520
646201:00:28,996 --> 01:00:31,820
6463Oh, so as president, I'm
6464gonna give you a country
6465
64661521
646701:00:31,820 --> 01:00:33,230
6468with a little more automatic healthcare,
6469
64701522
647101:00:33,230 --> 01:00:34,460
6472a little less automatic weapons,
6473
64741523
647501:00:34,460 --> 01:00:36,570
6476a country where facts trump opinion,
6477
64781524
647901:00:36,570 --> 01:00:39,070
6480and facts about Trump
6481change your fucking opinion.
6482
64831525
648401:00:40,870 --> 01:00:42,640
6485I'll bring you a country where known liars
6486
64871526
648801:00:42,640 --> 01:00:44,800
6489are convicted instead of elected,
6490
64911527
649201:00:44,800 --> 01:00:46,530
6493in a country where sexual predators
6494
64951528
649601:00:46,530 --> 01:00:48,210
6497are putting in prison, with much bigger,
6498
64991529
650001:00:48,210 --> 01:00:49,977
6501angrier sexual predators.
6502
65031530
650401:00:49,977 --> 01:00:53,240
6505(audience cheering)
6506
65071531
650801:00:53,240 --> 01:00:57,312
6509I'm gonna bring you a country
6510where women are heard.
6511
65121532
651301:00:57,312 --> 01:00:59,770
6514(loud cheering)
6515
65161533
651701:00:59,770 --> 01:01:02,010
6518Unless the game is on and
6519just give me 20 minutes.
6520
65211534
652201:01:02,010 --> 01:01:04,205
6523Fuck, I'm trying.
6524
65251535
652601:01:04,205 --> 01:01:06,530
6527It's the fourth quarter
6528why don't you just...
6529
65301536
653101:01:10,003 --> 01:01:12,270
6532A country where the poor
6533have a shot at being rich
6534
65351537
653601:01:12,270 --> 01:01:14,963
6537and the rich don't want the poor shot.
6538
65391538
654001:01:16,850 --> 01:01:18,440
6541That's an America I can believe in
6542
65431539
654401:01:18,440 --> 01:01:19,740
6545and that's an America I will bring you
6546
65471540
654801:01:19,740 --> 01:01:21,940
6549because that's an America I
6550was taught about in school
6551
65521541
655301:01:21,940 --> 01:01:24,980
6554when I wasn't paying attention.
6555
65561542
655701:01:24,980 --> 01:01:27,910
6558And that's who I'm gonna be
6559in 2018, thank you very much.
6560
65611543
656201:01:27,910 --> 01:01:32,130
6563Now, now...
6564(audience cheering)
6565
65661544
656701:01:32,130 --> 01:01:35,483
6568Why, why am I running in 2018?
6569
65701545
657101:01:35,483 --> 01:01:37,600
6572'Cause I think the new guy is
6573gonna drop a deuce by Easter.
6574
65751546
657601:01:37,600 --> 01:01:38,433
6577I really do.
6578
65791547
658001:01:39,430 --> 01:01:40,980
6581It's getting weirder, isn't it?
6582
65831548
658401:01:41,900 --> 01:01:43,230
6585And I wanna talk to you
6586Liberals for a second,
6587
65881549
658901:01:43,230 --> 01:01:44,470
6590'cause, oh, I wanna talk about the check,
6591
65921550
659301:01:44,470 --> 01:01:47,160
6594'cause by the way, if
6595whatever side you're on
6596
65971551
659801:01:47,160 --> 01:01:50,210
6599you think, no, there's no
6600douche bags in your group,
6601
66021552
660301:01:50,210 --> 01:01:51,223
6604you're a douche bag.
6605
66061553
660701:01:53,400 --> 01:01:54,790
6608The only way we get back to we
6609
66101554
661101:01:54,790 --> 01:01:56,330
6612is calling out everybody
6613on their bullshit.
6614
66151555
661601:01:56,330 --> 01:01:57,450
6617We can't just call it one side.
6618
66191556
662001:01:57,450 --> 01:01:59,050
6621Everybody gotta get called
6622out on their bullshit.
6623
66241557
662501:01:59,050 --> 01:01:59,883
6626That's how it goes, man.
6627
66281558
662901:01:59,883 --> 01:02:01,449
6630You know, I thought Trump was easy to get.
6631
66321559
663301:02:01,449 --> 01:02:03,420
6634And you Trump people
6635didn't do anything wrong.
6636
66371560
663801:02:03,420 --> 01:02:04,790
6639And people are getting mad at you guys.
6640
66411561
664201:02:04,790 --> 01:02:07,100
6643You didn't know, you
6644didn't know there was,
6645
66461562
664701:02:07,100 --> 01:02:08,690
6648these guys voted for the guy they wanted.
6649
66501563
665101:02:08,690 --> 01:02:11,690
6652That's what you're supposed to
6653do as an American, you know?
6654
66551564
665601:02:11,690 --> 01:02:13,951
6657And you people that didn't
6658vote or voted for Harambe,
6659
66601565
666101:02:13,951 --> 01:02:17,360
6662(wry chuckling) when you
6663see that mushroom cloud
6664
66651566
666601:02:17,360 --> 01:02:19,093
6667over Phoenix, that shit's on you.
6668
66691567
667001:02:20,692 --> 01:02:22,300
6671What do you mean, that
6672doesn't look like a haboob.
6673
66741568
667501:02:22,300 --> 01:02:23,143
6676It is not.
6677
66781569
667901:02:27,260 --> 01:02:28,580
6680They just voted for the guy they wanted.
6681
66821570
668301:02:28,580 --> 01:02:29,950
6684That he ended up this guy is,
6685
66861571
668701:02:29,950 --> 01:02:31,310
6688you know, he's a professional conman.
6689
66901572
669101:02:31,310 --> 01:02:32,350
6692It's not their fault.
6693
66941573
669501:02:32,350 --> 01:02:33,390
6696And I thought he was easy to get.
6697
66981574
669901:02:33,390 --> 01:02:35,730
6700I was raised by an alcoholic
6701father and mentally ill mother.
6702
67031575
670401:02:35,730 --> 01:02:37,170
6705Who better to deal with Congress, lady?
6706
67071576
670801:02:37,170 --> 01:02:38,213
6709Thank you very much.
6710
67111577
671201:02:39,410 --> 01:02:40,650
6713Here's how easy Trump is to get.
6714
67151578
671601:02:40,650 --> 01:02:42,770
6717I have a 12-year-old
6718son and he's an idiot.
6719
67201579
672101:02:42,770 --> 01:02:43,603
6722Sorry.
6723
67241580
672501:02:46,880 --> 01:02:49,730
6726He's not an idiot, he's just 12.
6727
67281581
672901:02:49,730 --> 01:02:52,470
673010- to 14-year-old boys
6731have this amazing ability
6732
67331582
673401:02:52,470 --> 01:02:53,760
6735where they can take their brains out,
6736
67371583
673801:02:53,760 --> 01:02:57,911
6739put them down and just walk away,
6740
67411584
674201:02:57,911 --> 01:02:59,390
6743(audience cheering)
6744
67451585
674601:02:59,390 --> 01:03:01,243
6747for weeks at a time.
6748
67491586
675001:03:02,800 --> 01:03:03,920
6751All right, here's a story about my son.
6752
67531587
675401:03:03,920 --> 01:03:05,310
6755So, last year, he was in seventh grade.
6756
67571588
675801:03:05,310 --> 01:03:07,060
6759First through sixth grade,
6760when I had to pick him up,
6761
67621589
676301:03:07,060 --> 01:03:08,253
6764I had to wait in that
6765drop-off/pick-up line.
6766
67671590
676801:03:08,253 --> 01:03:10,160
6769Then I had to sign a piece of paper.
6770
67711591
677201:03:10,160 --> 01:03:11,420
6773Then they had to do a DNA test.
6774
67751592
677601:03:11,420 --> 01:03:13,260
6777They they had to do an iris scan.
6778
67791593
678001:03:13,260 --> 01:03:15,300
6781Then I could pick his ass up.
6782
67831594
678401:03:15,300 --> 01:03:17,570
6785Then he became a seventh-grader
6786and now he can just leave
6787
67881595
678901:03:17,570 --> 01:03:19,830
6790when he wants, 'cause
6791he's this much taller
6792
67931596
679401:03:19,830 --> 01:03:21,430
6795and nine pounds heavier.
6796
67971597
679801:03:21,430 --> 01:03:23,163
6799I guess he's a ninja now.
6800
68011598
680201:03:25,958 --> 01:03:26,791
6803But I was cool with that.
6804
68051599
680601:03:26,791 --> 01:03:28,760
6807You know why, 'cause I hated waiting
6808
68091600
681001:03:28,760 --> 01:03:30,200
6811in that drop-off/pick-up line
6812
68131601
681401:03:30,200 --> 01:03:32,850
6815with you chatty soccer
6816moms driving Priuses.
6817
68181602
681901:03:32,850 --> 01:03:34,413
6820Oh my God.
6821
68221603
682301:03:35,580 --> 01:03:37,650
6824I drive a Ram 1500 4-wheel drive,
6825
68261604
682701:03:37,650 --> 01:03:38,670
6828and you don't know how many times
6829
68301605
683101:03:38,670 --> 01:03:41,033
6832I played a monster truck
6833scenario in my head.
6834
68351606
683601:03:43,988 --> 01:03:45,988
6837I would just sit in
6838that line just thinking.
6839
68401607
684101:03:45,988 --> 01:03:49,488
6842(imitates engine revving)
6843
68441608
684501:03:53,107 --> 01:03:55,163
6846How was today at school, son?
6847
68481609
684901:03:57,440 --> 01:03:59,167
6850So now I'm stoked that I
6851can, that I can get him.
6852
68531610
685401:03:59,167 --> 01:04:00,010
6855And I tell him that.
6856
68571611
685801:04:00,010 --> 01:04:01,800
6859I go, good, you can leave,
6860here's what I want you to do.
6861
68621612
686301:04:01,800 --> 01:04:03,070
6864Cross the street, stand
6865in front of the church.
6866
68671613
686801:04:03,070 --> 01:04:04,180
6869He goes to a Christian school.
6870
68711614
687201:04:04,180 --> 01:04:05,890
6873Stand on the curb, I'll drive
6874up, pick you up, we're out.
6875
68761615
687701:04:05,890 --> 01:04:06,880
6878He goes, cool.
6879
68801616
688101:04:06,880 --> 01:04:08,420
6882First day I do it, it's raining in LA.
6883
68841617
688501:04:08,420 --> 01:04:09,253
6886I get up to freeway.
6887
68881618
688901:04:09,253 --> 01:04:11,120
6890I'm on the wrong side of the freeway.
6891
68921619
689301:04:11,120 --> 01:04:12,540
6894I got past this four-way stop,
6895
68961620
689701:04:12,540 --> 01:04:13,890
6898I pull to the curb.
6899
69001621
690101:04:13,890 --> 01:04:15,300
6902My son is four lanes away from me,
6903
69041622
690501:04:15,300 --> 01:04:16,690
6906directly across the street.
6907
69081623
690901:04:16,690 --> 01:04:19,778
6910I look out the window of
6911my truck and my son goes.
6912
69131624
691401:04:19,778 --> 01:04:22,778
6915(audience laughing)
6916
69171625
691801:04:33,545 --> 01:04:37,660
6919And we look at each other
6920for like a day and a half.
6921
69221626
692301:04:37,660 --> 01:04:38,547
6924And I finally roll my window down
6925
69261627
692701:04:38,547 --> 01:04:40,573
6928and I go, cross the street!
6929
69301628
693101:04:41,970 --> 01:04:43,260
6932Smart kid, he goes, got it, got it.
6933
69341629
693501:04:43,260 --> 01:04:45,500
6936He grabs his stuff, he goes to the corner.
6937
69381630
693901:04:45,500 --> 01:04:47,440
6940I'm right there.
6941
69421631
694301:04:47,440 --> 01:04:48,520
6944He hits the button.
6945
69461632
694701:04:48,520 --> 01:04:53,273
6948This light turns green,
6949he crosses this street.
6950
69511633
695201:04:55,050 --> 01:04:58,013
6953Turns and realizes I'm
6954farther from dad, now.
6955
69561634
695701:04:59,600 --> 01:05:02,530
6958Doesn't run back on the green.
6959
69601635
696101:05:02,530 --> 01:05:04,553
6962Hits the button to cross this street.
6963
69641636
696501:05:12,980 --> 01:05:15,890
6966And it was the first time it
6967came out of me involuntarily.
6968
69691637
697001:05:15,890 --> 01:05:17,900
6971I'd said it before when
6972he did something silly,
6973
69741638
697501:05:17,900 --> 01:05:19,720
6976but I was looking at the
6977rear view mirror of my truck,
6978
69791639
698001:05:19,720 --> 01:05:22,197
6981and I hear myself go, the fuck?
6982
69831640
698401:05:22,197 --> 01:05:27,197
6985(audience laughing)
6986(audience applauding)
6987
69881641
698901:05:29,580 --> 01:05:31,240
6990He waits for that light to change,
6991
69921642
699301:05:31,240 --> 01:05:33,300
6994crosses that street, turns and realizes
6995
69961643
699701:05:33,300 --> 01:05:35,613
6998he now has yet one more street to cross.
6999
70001644
700101:05:39,410 --> 01:05:41,230
7002He waits for that light to
7003change, cross the street,
7004
70051645
700601:05:41,230 --> 01:05:42,160
7007gets in my truck, and I go,
7008
70091646
701001:05:42,160 --> 01:05:42,993
7011what are you doin'?
7012
70131647
701401:05:42,993 --> 01:05:46,169
7015And he goes, "I know, right?"
7016
70171648
701801:05:46,169 --> 01:05:49,336
7019(audience applauding)
7020
70211649
702201:05:53,588 --> 01:05:55,755
7023Which I count as progress,
7024
70251650
702601:05:56,990 --> 01:05:59,490
7027because he didn't used to
7028know when he was stupid.
7029
70301651
703101:06:00,577 --> 01:06:01,970
7032'Member, guys, you hit about 13
7033
70341652
703501:06:01,970 --> 01:06:04,950
7036and you were like, oh
7037my God, what am I doing?
7038
70391653
704001:06:04,950 --> 01:06:07,933
7041I'm never gonna touch a
7042girl if I keep this up.
7043
70441654
704501:06:09,470 --> 01:06:10,303
7046That's where my son is.
7047
70481655
704901:06:10,303 --> 01:06:11,540
7050So, I'm writing this new show,
7051
70521656
705301:06:11,540 --> 01:06:14,020
7054it was a while ago, and I'm
7055watching the news way too much.
7056
70571657
705801:06:14,020 --> 01:06:14,940
7059My family hates, 'cause,
7060
70611658
706201:06:14,940 --> 01:06:16,130
7063and just so you know, Trump people,
7064
70651659
706601:06:16,130 --> 01:06:17,130
7067I didn't wanna write this show,
7068
70691660
707001:06:17,130 --> 01:06:18,783
7071but it was on TV every night.
7072
70731661
707401:06:19,760 --> 01:06:22,140
7075Like, five things a day.
7076
70771662
707801:06:22,140 --> 01:06:26,180
7079Like, how do you screw
7080up 730 times in 500 days?
7081
70821663
708301:06:26,180 --> 01:06:27,590
7084The only people happy are Charlie Sheen
7085
70861664
708701:06:27,590 --> 01:06:31,160
7088and Lindsay Lohan, man, and Chris Brown.
7089
70901665
709101:06:31,160 --> 01:06:33,163
7092They're like, he beat
7093our record, all right.
7094
70951666
709601:06:34,070 --> 01:06:35,970
7097So, it's just comin' out
7098of me and I could not,
7099
71001667
710101:06:35,970 --> 01:06:36,803
7102that's what I do.
7103
71041668
710501:06:36,803 --> 01:06:37,636
7106My job is to observe and do.
7107
71081669
710901:06:37,636 --> 01:06:38,469
7110So, it's comin' out of me,
7111
71121670
711301:06:38,469 --> 01:06:39,930
7114but I'm watching the news all the time,
7115
71161671
711701:06:39,930 --> 01:06:41,550
7118and my family's like, why do
7119we want to watch the news?
7120
71211672
712201:06:41,550 --> 01:06:43,000
7123I was like, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
7124
71251673
712601:06:43,000 --> 01:06:43,833
7127You guys wanna eat?
7128
71291674
713001:06:43,833 --> 01:06:45,135
7131I gotta go to Phoenix.
7132
71331675
713401:06:45,135 --> 01:06:47,770
7135(audience laughing)
7136
71371676
713801:06:47,770 --> 01:06:49,460
7139And it's 115 degrees!
7140
71411677
714201:06:50,975 --> 01:06:52,280
7143(audience whooping)
7144
71451678
714601:06:52,280 --> 01:06:54,240
7147So, I'm watching the news one night.
7148
71491679
715001:06:54,240 --> 01:06:55,073
7151I'm just writing.
7152
71531680
715401:06:55,073 --> 01:06:57,215
7155My son's sitting next to me on the couch.
7156
71571681
715801:06:57,215 --> 01:06:58,720
7159And here's how easy Trump is to get.
7160
71611682
716201:06:58,720 --> 01:07:02,247
7163Out of the blue, my son
7164just turns and goes,
7165
71661683
716701:07:02,247 --> 01:07:05,008
7168"How is Mexico gonna pay for the wall?"
7169
71701684
717101:07:05,008 --> 01:07:06,715
7172(audience laughing)
7173
71741685
717501:07:06,715 --> 01:07:09,882
7176(audience applauding)
7177
71781686
717901:07:18,860 --> 01:07:20,493
7180I love you so much right now.
7181
71821687
718301:07:22,870 --> 01:07:24,593
7184No, I thought I was crazy.
7185
71861688
718701:07:26,240 --> 01:07:28,660
7188I don't know, son, maybe we're
7189gonna get free landscaping
7190
71911689
719201:07:28,660 --> 01:07:30,850
7193at the White House for
7194a while, I don't know.
7195
71961690
719701:07:31,790 --> 01:07:33,893
7198Maybe we'll send 'em an invoice.
7199
72001691
720101:07:35,140 --> 01:07:38,814
7202If they don't pay it, I guess
7203we'll just ruin their credit.
7204
72051692
720601:07:38,814 --> 01:07:41,260
7207(laughing)
7208
72091693
721001:07:41,260 --> 01:07:42,843
7211We'll be Mexico's ex-wife.
7212
72131694
721401:07:45,350 --> 01:07:47,270
7215Don't tell your mom I said that.
7216
72171695
721801:07:51,850 --> 01:07:53,110
7219You Trump people gotta
7220be tired of hearing,
7221
72221696
722301:07:53,110 --> 01:07:54,151
7224the wall thing is getting so weird.
7225
72261697
722701:07:54,151 --> 01:07:55,440
7228The weirdest thing I heard about the wall
7229
72301698
723101:07:55,440 --> 01:07:57,210
7232was when Spicer was still in.
7233
72341699
723501:07:57,210 --> 01:07:58,197
7236Spicer came out and he goes,
7237
72381700
723901:07:58,197 --> 01:08:01,113
7240"Part of the wall is gonna be invisible."
7241
72421701
724301:08:01,113 --> 01:08:04,440
7244(audience laughing)
7245
72461702
724701:08:04,440 --> 01:08:05,570
7248Even the poorly-educated were like,
7249
72501703
725101:08:05,570 --> 01:08:07,273
7252aw, come on, man.
7253
72541704
725501:08:08,430 --> 01:08:11,683
7256We're poorly-educated, we
7257believe in Spandex, not magic.
7258
72591705
726001:08:15,210 --> 01:08:16,590
7261And here's the sad part
7262for these Trump people.
7263
72641706
726501:08:16,590 --> 01:08:18,070
7266You guys don't know, they now,
7267
72681707
726901:08:18,070 --> 01:08:19,820
7270whatever he says, however crazy,
7271
72721708
727301:08:19,820 --> 01:08:20,653
7274they gotta back him up.
7275
72761709
727701:08:20,653 --> 01:08:23,160
7278I got fans in Texas, on the border.
7279
72801710
728101:08:23,160 --> 01:08:24,320
7282They got invisible wall?
7283
72841711
728501:08:24,320 --> 01:08:25,380
7286Yep, they built it this morning.
7287
72881712
728901:08:25,380 --> 01:08:28,331
7290Look at that son of a
7291bitch, right there, yeah.
7292
72931713
729401:08:28,331 --> 01:08:31,093
7295320 foot invisible wall.
7296
72971714
729801:08:32,730 --> 01:08:35,090
7299You gonna go invisible go big, am I right?
7300
73011715
730201:08:36,163 --> 01:08:37,900
7303That's a high-tech sum-bitch right there.
7304
73051716
730601:08:37,900 --> 01:08:39,190
7307Ain't nothin' through that, 'cept for
7308
73091717
731001:08:39,190 --> 01:08:40,560
7311that little Mexican feller right there.
7312
73131718
731401:08:40,560 --> 01:08:41,628
7315Hey, hey, hey, hey!
7316
73171719
731801:08:41,628 --> 01:08:44,628
7319(audience laughing)
7320
73211720
732201:08:49,140 --> 01:08:51,933
7323Rusty, check the fuse box
7324on the invisible wall.
7325
73261721
732701:08:56,270 --> 01:08:57,103
7328And you voted for the guy.
7329
73301722
733101:08:57,103 --> 01:08:57,936
7332You know what, you Trump people,
7333
73341723
733501:08:57,936 --> 01:08:59,730
7336you voted for the man,
7337you deserve your wall,
7338
73391724
734001:08:59,730 --> 01:09:00,820
7341to the victor goes this wall.
7342
73431725
734401:09:00,820 --> 01:09:02,410
7345In fact, you know what, I
7346want the wall built now,
7347
73481726
734901:09:02,410 --> 01:09:03,520
7350'cause every four years after that,
7351
73521727
735301:09:03,520 --> 01:09:05,877
7354the Olympics, we are gonna
7355kick ass in handball.
7356
73571728
735801:09:05,877 --> 01:09:09,018
7359(audience laughing)
7360
73611729
736201:09:09,018 --> 01:09:09,851
7363I mean, we're always gonna have
7364
73651730
736601:09:09,851 --> 01:09:11,423
7367to play Mexico in the finals,
7368
73691731
737001:09:15,939 --> 01:09:17,149
7371(sporadic applause)
7372
73731732
737401:09:17,149 --> 01:09:19,260
7375because they also have a wall.
7376
73771733
737801:09:20,670 --> 01:09:23,375
7379Nine is the number after eight.
7380
73811734
738201:09:23,375 --> 01:09:24,866
7383(audience applauding)
7384
73851735
738601:09:24,866 --> 01:09:25,699
7387Yeah.
7388
73891736
739001:09:30,775 --> 01:09:32,870
7391And I can prove that no
7392matter who you voted for,
7393
73941737
739501:09:32,870 --> 01:09:34,140
7396we're all the same in
7397this country right now.
7398
73991738
740001:09:34,140 --> 01:09:35,250
7401You know why?
7402
74031739
740401:09:35,250 --> 01:09:36,620
7405Everyone in this room has had someone
7406
74071740
740801:09:36,620 --> 01:09:38,340
7409come up to them and say, did
7410you hear what he said today?
7411
74121741
741301:09:38,340 --> 01:09:40,490
7414And then they tell you,
7415and you go, no way.
7416
74171742
741801:09:41,780 --> 01:09:44,130
7419And then you turn on the
7420TV and you go, dammit.
7421
74221743
742301:09:45,640 --> 01:09:47,610
7424Every single one of us. (stammering)
7425
74261744
742701:09:47,610 --> 01:09:49,060
7428There was something that he said
7429
74301745
743101:09:49,060 --> 01:09:50,290
7432about the wall that I didn't believe,
7433
74341746
743501:09:50,290 --> 01:09:52,600
7436and then my wife and I
7437were driving somewhere
7438
74391747
744001:09:52,600 --> 01:09:53,700
7441and listening to the Alabama speech,
7442
74431748
744401:09:53,700 --> 01:09:54,780
7445the primary speech, when Roy Moore
7446
74471749
744801:09:54,780 --> 01:09:56,380
7449was against the other guy,
7450
74511750
745201:09:56,380 --> 01:09:58,490
7453and we have to give Alabama some props
7454
74551751
745601:09:58,490 --> 01:10:00,440
7457'cause we finally found out their line:
7458
74591752
746001:10:01,340 --> 01:10:03,033
7461racist, homophobic pedophile.
7462
74631753
746401:10:04,370 --> 01:10:05,483
7465They were like, nope.
7466
74671754
746801:10:06,530 --> 01:10:08,833
7469You can hate, just don't fuck kids,
7470
74711755
747201:10:11,180 --> 01:10:12,867
7473which is their new license plates.
7474
74751756
747601:10:12,867 --> 01:10:15,867
7477(audience laughing)
7478
74791757
748001:10:22,507 --> 01:10:24,076
7481So, good job, Alabama.
7482
74831758
748401:10:24,076 --> 01:10:25,909
7485So, good job, Alabama.
7486
74871759
748801:10:29,230 --> 01:10:30,280
7489So, we're listening to the speech
7490
74911760
749201:10:30,280 --> 01:10:31,700
7493and he says this, and I, honest,
7494
74951761
749601:10:31,700 --> 01:10:32,533
7497I had to play it again.
7498
74991762
750001:10:32,533 --> 01:10:33,410
7501I was like, well, what the hell is that?
7502
75031763
750401:10:33,410 --> 01:10:34,887
7505He said, about the wall, he goes,
7506
75071764
750801:10:34,887 --> 01:10:37,290
7509"The wall needs to be see-through
7510
75111765
751201:10:38,217 --> 01:10:41,797
7513"because drug dealers will
7514take 100-pound bags of drugs
7515
75161766
751701:10:41,797 --> 01:10:45,653
7518"put 'em on catapults, and
7519shoot 'em over the wall.
7520
75211767
752201:10:46,717 --> 01:10:50,247
7523"And they may hit innocent
7524Americans in the head."
7525
75261768
752701:10:55,760 --> 01:10:56,940
7528My first thought was, my God,
7529
75301769
753101:10:56,940 --> 01:10:59,190
7532The Three Stooges have
7533started a drug cartel.
7534
75351770
753601:11:03,876 --> 01:11:07,360
7537Is that how El Chapo
7538made his billions, is it?
7539
75401771
754101:11:07,360 --> 01:11:10,410
7542Is that how the Sinaloa
7543cartel just took over Mexico?
7544
75451772
754601:11:10,410 --> 01:11:11,243
7547Is that?
7548
75491773
755001:11:11,243 --> 01:11:12,600
7551They have a big meeting one day?
7552
75531774
755401:11:12,600 --> 01:11:15,193
7555Okay, everybody, welcome to the meeting.
7556
75571775
755801:11:18,410 --> 01:11:21,423
7559I have a new bitching
7560idea to smuggle the drugs.
7561
75621776
756301:11:23,260 --> 01:11:25,413
7564No more tunnels, my fingers hurt.
7565
75661777
756701:11:32,617 --> 01:11:34,534
7568Are you ready for this?
7569
75701778
757101:11:36,410 --> 01:11:38,363
7572We gonna build a catapult.
7573
75741779
757501:11:41,760 --> 01:11:43,553
7576No, not a trebuchet.
7577
75781780
757901:11:47,693 --> 01:11:49,310
7580Catapult.
7581
75821781
758301:11:49,310 --> 01:11:51,343
7584I not going to argue with you anymore.
7585
75861782
758701:11:54,070 --> 01:11:58,543
7588Then, we going to take
7589100-pound bags of drugs,
7590
75911783
759201:12:01,190 --> 01:12:02,423
7593put 'em in the catapult,
7594
75951784
759601:12:04,380 --> 01:12:08,043
7597And then, we gonna shoot 'em
7598
75991785
760001:12:10,920 --> 01:12:13,093
7601over the invisible wall.
7602
76031786
760401:12:17,260 --> 01:12:22,260
7605Now, we may need to get
7606some liability insurance
7607
76081787
760901:12:26,995 --> 01:12:30,707
7610in case we hit innocent
7611Americans in the head
7612
76131788
761401:12:32,280 --> 01:12:34,453
7615who are vacationing near the wall.
7616
76171789
761801:12:36,910 --> 01:12:38,120
7619Okay, everybody in.
7620
76211790
762201:12:38,120 --> 01:12:38,953
7623Drug dealers!
7624
76251791
762601:12:38,953 --> 01:12:40,091
7627Okay.
7628
76291792
763001:12:40,091 --> 01:12:45,091
7631(audience applauding)
7632(audience cheering)
7633
76341793
763501:12:46,350 --> 01:12:48,516
7636That was stupid.
7637
76381794
763901:12:48,516 --> 01:12:50,891
7640So stupid, thank you.
7641
76421795
764301:12:50,891 --> 01:12:53,141
7644(laughing)
7645
76461796
764701:12:54,239 --> 01:12:55,290
7648And here's the other thing about Trump.
7649
76501797
765101:12:55,290 --> 01:12:57,150
7652If Trump was a nice guy,
7653it'd be easier to take.
7654
76551798
765601:12:57,150 --> 01:12:58,470
7657You know, we've dumb guys in there before
7658
76591799
766001:12:58,470 --> 01:12:59,460
7661that were nice guys,
7662
76631800
766401:12:59,460 --> 01:13:01,020
7665you know, guys that
7666weren't that smart about,
7667
76681801
766901:13:01,020 --> 01:13:01,950
7670I met George W.
7671
76721802
767301:13:01,950 --> 01:13:02,950
7674George W's a really nice guy.
7675
76761803
767701:13:02,950 --> 01:13:03,783
7678I like W.
7679
76801804
768101:13:03,783 --> 01:13:05,070
7682You know, I didn't agree
7683with him on anything
7684
76851805
768601:13:05,070 --> 01:13:05,940
7687but I liked him.
7688
76891806
769001:13:05,940 --> 01:13:07,300
7691I got to meet him, I got
7692to do a show for him,
7693
76941807
769501:13:07,300 --> 01:13:10,040
7696a Christmas special with ABC,
7697and I had to do the comedy.
7698
76991808
770001:13:10,040 --> 01:13:11,680
7701It was at Ford's Theater,
7702where Lincoln got shot
7703
77041809
770501:13:11,680 --> 01:13:14,070
7706which is weird 'cause
7707the booth is right there.
7708
77091810
771001:13:14,070 --> 01:13:16,400
7711It's 12 feet from you and they
7712don't let anybody sit there
7713
77141811
771501:13:16,400 --> 01:13:18,364
7716'cause I guess they
7717haven't caught the guy.
7718
77191812
772001:13:18,364 --> 01:13:19,910
7721(audience laughing)
7722
77231813
772401:13:19,910 --> 01:13:21,630
7725Or they're still doing forensics.
7726
77271814
772801:13:21,630 --> 01:13:23,080
7729I don't know what's going on.
7730
77311815
773201:13:24,300 --> 01:13:27,160
7733So, they asked me to the
7734show, and I said yeah.
7735
77361816
773701:13:27,160 --> 01:13:29,080
7738Iraq was going on, I said,
7739can I do my Iraq material?
7740
77411817
774201:13:29,080 --> 01:13:30,557
7743And they went, "No."
7744
77451818
774601:13:31,700 --> 01:13:32,940
7747And I said, no, no,
7748it's not about the war,
7749
77501819
775101:13:32,940 --> 01:13:33,990
7752it's about the troops, and they said okay.
7753
77541820
775501:13:33,990 --> 01:13:36,160
7756Sure, they cleared it, 'cause
7757I went to Iraq a couple times.
7758
77591821
776001:13:36,160 --> 01:13:38,300
7761And when I would go to
7762Iraq, I'd get these gigs,
7763
77641822
776501:13:38,300 --> 01:13:39,510
7766I'd call other comedians and I'd go,
7767
77681823
776901:13:39,510 --> 01:13:40,780
7770dude, we're gonna go do shows
7771
77721824
777301:13:40,780 --> 01:13:41,613
7774for the troops in Iraq, you wanna go?
7775
77761825
777701:13:41,613 --> 01:13:43,420
7778And every comedian said, hell, yeah.
7779
77801826
778101:13:43,420 --> 01:13:45,130
7782And then, I'd call 'em
7783two week before we leave.
7784
77851827
778601:13:45,130 --> 01:13:45,963
7787We're leaving in two weeks.
7788
77891828
779001:13:45,963 --> 01:13:47,244
7791I'm not going to Iraq.
7792
77931829
779401:13:47,244 --> 01:13:48,897
7795(audience laughing)
7796
77971830
779801:13:48,897 --> 01:13:52,080
7799I'm gonna go to Tempe, Arizona
7800where it feels like Iraq
7801
78021831
780301:13:53,381 --> 01:13:58,381
7804(audience applauding)
7805(audience whooping)
7806
78071832
780801:14:00,210 --> 01:14:01,363
7809except with old people.
7810
78111833
781201:14:04,200 --> 01:14:06,030
7813So, the last time I went, I
7814invited this guy named Everlast.
7815
78161834
781701:14:06,030 --> 01:14:07,501
7818I got to meet him.
7819
78201835
782101:14:07,501 --> 01:14:09,100
7822Everlast's a great musician,
7823he did he Jump Around.
7824
78251836
782601:14:09,100 --> 01:14:10,510
7827And he's a great musician,
7828
78291837
783001:14:10,510 --> 01:14:12,810
7831and he was also raised
7832in Boston and East LA,
7833
78341838
783501:14:12,810 --> 01:14:13,960
7836so when I said, you wanna go to Iraq?
7837
78381839
783901:14:13,960 --> 01:14:16,327
7840He's like, yeah, do I bring
7841a gun, or can we rent?
7842
78431840
784401:14:16,327 --> 01:14:18,350
7845(audience laughing)
7846
78471841
784801:14:18,350 --> 01:14:20,080
7849He's legit.
7850
78511842
785201:14:20,080 --> 01:14:22,020
7853So, we go to Iraq, and any
7854soldiers in here, tonight?
7855
78561843
785701:14:22,020 --> 01:14:23,570
7858If you're in here tonight,
7859thank you for doing the job.
7860
78611844
786201:14:23,570 --> 01:14:24,680
7863I want you guys to know something.
7864
78651845
786601:14:24,680 --> 01:14:26,100
7867When you clap for the soldiers,
7868
78691846
787001:14:26,100 --> 01:14:28,250
7871I want you just not clap
7872because it's all rote.
7873
78741847
787501:14:28,250 --> 01:14:29,320
7876Think about what they went through.
7877
78781848
787901:14:29,320 --> 01:14:33,680
7880Iraq was the worst place
7881I've ever been to in my life.
7882
78831849
788401:14:33,680 --> 01:14:36,494
7885Imagine if Mars got colon cancer.
7886
78871850
788801:14:36,494 --> 01:14:38,680
7889(audience laughing).
7890
78911851
789201:14:38,680 --> 01:14:40,040
7893That's Iraq.
7894
78951852
789601:14:40,040 --> 01:14:41,190
7897Nothing there, and when
7898you get off the plane,
7899
79001853
790101:14:41,190 --> 01:14:42,360
7902it was so hot, it was.
7903
79041854
790501:14:42,360 --> 01:14:43,390
7906Literally, it was like here,
7907
79081855
790901:14:43,390 --> 01:14:45,006
7910except you had, except danger.
7911
79121856
791301:14:45,006 --> 01:14:46,557
7914I was like (agonized groaning).
7915
79161857
791701:14:46,557 --> 01:14:47,580
7918And I get off the plane,
7919
79201858
792101:14:47,580 --> 01:14:49,550
7922and they had palates of
7923water on all the base,
7924
79251859
792601:14:49,550 --> 01:14:50,418
7927and they go, Titus, drink some water.
7928
79291860
793001:14:50,418 --> 01:14:51,330
7931I would go, no, I'm just hot.
7932
79331861
793401:14:51,330 --> 01:14:52,900
7935And then I go to the bathroom
7936
79371862
793801:14:52,900 --> 01:14:54,400
7939and above every latrine,
7940
79411863
794201:14:54,400 --> 01:14:57,690
7943there is a chart that shows
7944you where your pee should be,
7945
79461864
794701:14:57,690 --> 01:14:59,680
7948and it starts clear, then it goes Sprite,
7949
79501865
795101:14:59,680 --> 01:15:02,210
7952and it goes Mountain
7953Dew, then it Mello Yello.
7954
79551866
795601:15:02,210 --> 01:15:04,823
7957And I was peeing Aunt Jemima
7958maple syrup down here.
7959
79601867
796101:15:06,890 --> 01:15:07,740
7962And the lieutenant was like,
7963
79641868
796501:15:07,740 --> 01:15:09,620
7966you're about eight minutes
7967from death, Mr. Titus.
7968
79691869
797001:15:09,620 --> 01:15:10,453
7971You better...
7972
79731870
797401:15:11,310 --> 01:15:12,690
7975Nobody should pee chunks.
7976
79771871
797801:15:12,690 --> 01:15:13,523
7979Let's go.
7980
79811872
798201:15:15,180 --> 01:15:17,970
7983And we did Fallujah, and we did Mosul,
7984
79851873
798601:15:17,970 --> 01:15:20,270
7987and we did Tikrit, and I was over there
7988
79891874
799001:15:20,270 --> 01:15:22,350
7991before Obama just gave it back.
7992
79931875
799401:15:22,350 --> 01:15:23,570
7995Goddammit.
7996
79971876
799801:15:23,570 --> 01:15:24,697
7999Oh I'm sorry, liberals, lighten up.
8000
80011877
800201:15:24,697 --> 01:15:25,733
8003$3 trillion?
8004
80051878
800601:15:26,917 --> 01:15:30,390
8007$3 trillion and we walked away?
8008
80091879
801001:15:30,390 --> 01:15:32,280
8011Could we at least leave Paul Blart here?
8012
80131880
801401:15:32,280 --> 01:15:33,113
8015Please? Maybe?
8016
80171881
801801:15:35,440 --> 01:15:38,010
8019You know, the yard
8020ladies at my high school
8021
80221882
802301:15:38,010 --> 01:15:41,160
8024coulda held off Isis
8025for a couple of weeks.
8026
80271883
802801:15:41,160 --> 01:15:43,980
8029But Obama was like, nope,
8030George W. signed a treaty,
8031
80321884
803301:15:43,980 --> 01:15:46,920
8034and we have to be out by 2014,
8035
80361885
803701:15:46,920 --> 01:15:48,750
8038and we're gonna honor that treaty.
8039
80401886
804101:15:48,750 --> 01:15:50,991
8042It's the first time we've
8043ever honored a treaty,
8044
80451887
804601:15:50,991 --> 01:15:53,280
8047(audience laughing)
8048
80491888
805001:15:53,280 --> 01:15:56,933
8051but we have to this time
8052because I'm the black guy.
8053
80541889
805501:16:02,063 --> 01:16:03,370
8056Yeah, you conservatives thought I was,
8057
80581890
805901:16:03,370 --> 01:16:05,070
8060yeah, eh, oh, that's a good point.
8061
80621891
806301:16:09,090 --> 01:16:11,347
8064So, we do our show, and we're in Mosul,
8065
80661892
806701:16:11,347 --> 01:16:12,530
8068and we get three days in Mosul.
8069
80701893
807101:16:12,530 --> 01:16:13,930
8072We have to stay in Mosul for three days,
8073
80741894
807501:16:13,930 --> 01:16:14,860
8076'cause they can't get us a flight.
8077
80781895
807901:16:14,860 --> 01:16:17,010
8080And staying in Mosul, Iraq is not,
8081
80821896
808301:16:17,010 --> 01:16:18,270
8084it's not Sandals, Iraq.
8085
80861897
808701:16:18,270 --> 01:16:19,620
8088It's not good, and it's just me
8089
80901898
809101:16:19,620 --> 01:16:21,447
8092and Everlast walking around the base.
8093
80941899
809501:16:21,447 --> 01:16:23,060
8096And the soldiers are like, guys,
8097don't walk around the base.
8098
80991900
810001:16:23,060 --> 01:16:26,250
8101If you're going to the, you
8102know, to eat, to the mess,
8103
81041901
810501:16:26,250 --> 01:16:27,460
8106you gotta move.
8107
81081902
810901:16:27,460 --> 01:16:28,590
8110And I'm like, why?
8111
81121903
811301:16:28,590 --> 01:16:29,556
8114And he's like, because.
8115
81161904
811701:16:29,556 --> 01:16:32,580
8118(initiates falling missile booming)
8119
81201905
812101:16:32,580 --> 01:16:34,120
8122We're a musician and a comedian.
8123
81241906
812501:16:34,120 --> 01:16:35,522
8126They were like, that's how
8127they explained it to us.
8128
81291907
813001:16:35,522 --> 01:16:38,680
8131(initiates falling missile booming)
8132
81331908
813401:16:38,680 --> 01:16:39,833
8135Oh.
8136
81371909
813801:16:42,090 --> 01:16:43,407
8139So, after our first day,
8140these soldiers show up,
8141
81421910
814301:16:43,407 --> 01:16:45,500
8144and they go, hey, we know you
8145guys got a couple days off.
8146
81471911
814801:16:45,500 --> 01:16:47,340
8149Hey, if we can get you
8150guys a chopper ride,
8151
81521912
815301:16:47,340 --> 01:16:49,920
8154will you guys go do a show
8155at a forward operating base?
8156
81571913
815801:16:49,920 --> 01:16:51,210
8159And I was like, hell, yeah!
8160
81611914
816201:16:51,210 --> 01:16:53,142
8163'Cause I didn't know what a
8164forward operating base was.
8165
81661915
816701:16:53,142 --> 01:16:56,142
8168(audience laughing)
8169
81701916
817101:16:57,090 --> 01:16:58,220
8172Here's where we are.
8173
81741917
817501:16:58,220 --> 01:17:00,230
8176Here's the forward operating base.
8177
81781918
817901:17:00,230 --> 01:17:01,480
8180Here's where we're going.
8181
81821919
818301:17:02,862 --> 01:17:03,695
8184Uh.
8185
81861920
818701:17:03,695 --> 01:17:04,528
8188And it was funny, we got in this,
8189
81901921
819101:17:04,528 --> 01:17:05,370
8192we had to get this Black Hawk
8193
81941922
819501:17:05,370 --> 01:17:06,480
8196and they got the doors blown of it.
8197
81981923
819901:17:06,480 --> 01:17:07,330
8200And they put on my flak vest.
8201
82021924
820301:17:07,330 --> 01:17:09,070
8204It's like 120 degrees, and it's hot.
8205
82061925
820701:17:09,070 --> 01:17:10,750
8208And I put on my metal hat.
8209
82101926
821101:17:10,750 --> 01:17:12,795
8212My helmet, I put on my helmet.
8213
82141927
821501:17:12,795 --> 01:17:16,300
8216(audience laughing)
8217
82181928
821901:17:16,300 --> 01:17:18,750
8220All right, that's a joke,
8221but it really happened.
8222
82231929
822401:17:19,970 --> 01:17:21,330
8225I was getting ready to get in the chopper.
8226
82271930
822801:17:21,330 --> 01:17:22,867
8229I had my flak vest on, and I
8230put it down, and I lost it,
8231
82321931
823301:17:22,867 --> 01:17:24,200
8234and I get in the chopper.
8235
82361932
823701:17:24,200 --> 01:17:25,630
8238I go, anybody seen my metal hat?
8239
82401933
824101:17:25,630 --> 01:17:26,930
8242And all the soldiers went,
8243
82441934
824501:17:27,889 --> 01:17:30,889
8246(audience laughing)
8247
82481935
824901:17:35,810 --> 01:17:37,563
8250did you just say metal hat, sir?
8251
82521936
825301:17:39,878 --> 01:17:42,463
8254'Cause it's made out of Kevlar
8255and we call it a helmet.
8256
82571937
825801:17:43,610 --> 01:17:45,460
8259Don't say metal hat again, okay, sir?
8260
82611938
826201:17:46,780 --> 01:17:48,307
8263'cause the doors are off this chopper and
8264
82651939
826601:17:48,307 --> 01:17:52,724
8267(initiates falling missile booming).
8268
82691940
827001:17:55,310 --> 01:17:57,550
8271So, we fly across the desert,
8272and we're flyin' forever.
8273
82741941
827501:17:57,550 --> 01:17:59,010
8276And we had to divert
8277around this sandstorm,
8278
82791942
828001:17:59,010 --> 01:18:01,910
8281which is amazing, 'cause we
8282landed, my face was so smooth.
8283
82841943
828501:18:03,760 --> 01:18:05,860
8286And we get close to
8287this, and we fly forever.
8288
82891944
829001:18:05,860 --> 01:18:07,150
8291And there's nothing there, it's desolate.
8292
82931945
829401:18:07,150 --> 01:18:07,983
8295What are we here for?
8296
82971946
829801:18:07,983 --> 01:18:09,970
8299There's just rocks,
8300and dirt, and no trees,
8301
83021947
830301:18:09,970 --> 01:18:11,150
8304and all of a sudden, in the distance,
8305
83061948
830701:18:11,150 --> 01:18:13,920
8308we see this town and it's
8309in the middle of nowhere.
8310
83111949
831201:18:13,920 --> 01:18:16,430
8313I mean there's no hills, water, nothing.
8314
83151950
831601:18:16,430 --> 01:18:17,700
8317What it looks like is people got pissed
8318
83191951
832001:18:17,700 --> 01:18:18,760
8321at the Mosul City Council, like,
8322
83231952
832401:18:18,760 --> 01:18:20,690
8325you know what, screw you.
8326
83271953
832801:18:20,690 --> 01:18:21,820
8329We're gonna start our own town!
8330
83311954
833201:18:21,820 --> 01:18:23,020
8333Come on, guys, let's go.
8334
83351955
833601:18:23,020 --> 01:18:24,810
8337And they started walking.
8338
83391956
834001:18:24,810 --> 01:18:27,810
8341And they walked a biblical distance,
8342
83431957
834401:18:27,810 --> 01:18:29,920
8345and somebody went, fuck it,
8346we're gonna build it right here.
8347
83481958
834901:18:29,920 --> 01:18:30,753
8350I don't care.
8351
83521959
835301:18:31,770 --> 01:18:34,070
8354Naw, my flip-flops are
8355all jacked up, I can't.
8356
83571960
835801:18:34,975 --> 01:18:37,796
8359No, I don't care what
8360the white Jesus says.
8361
83621961
836301:18:37,796 --> 01:18:40,796
8364(audience laughing)
8365
83661962
836701:18:43,510 --> 01:18:44,970
8368So, we're comin' in, and as you see,
8369
83701963
837101:18:44,970 --> 01:18:45,803
8372so there's a town over here,
8373
83741964
837501:18:45,803 --> 01:18:48,080
8376and then 400 yards away,
8377there's this big, giant complex.
8378
83791965
838001:18:48,080 --> 01:18:50,540
8381And we found later, that was
8382the old mayor of the town.
8383
83841966
838501:18:50,540 --> 01:18:52,940
8386He had this big giant mansion
8387and we commandeered it.
8388
83891967
839001:18:52,940 --> 01:18:54,100
8391I don't know what commandeered means,
8392
83931968
839401:18:54,100 --> 01:18:55,790
8395you're gonna have to
8396ask an American Indian.
8397
83981969
839901:18:55,790 --> 01:18:57,687
8400(audience laughing)
8401
84021970
840301:18:57,687 --> 01:19:02,687
8404(audience whooping)
8405(audience applauding)
8406
84071971
840801:19:03,318 --> 01:19:06,068
8409Titus, hysterical and historical.
8410
84111972
841201:19:09,540 --> 01:19:11,060
8413So, we come in and we land on the base,
8414
84151973
841601:19:11,060 --> 01:19:12,170
8417and we're inside.
8418
84191974
842001:19:12,170 --> 01:19:13,220
8421It's got these thick walls,
8422
84231975
842401:19:13,220 --> 01:19:14,300
8425and this little lieutenant
8426comes up to help.
8427
84281976
842901:19:14,300 --> 01:19:15,133
8430He's got little glasses.
8431
84321977
843301:19:15,133 --> 01:19:16,240
8434I go, it's Radar O'Reilly,
8435
84361978
843701:19:16,240 --> 01:19:19,260
8438and nobody knows what the
8439hell I'm talking about
8440
84411979
844201:19:19,260 --> 01:19:21,733
8443'cause they're 14 and I'm 1,007.
8444
84451980
844601:19:23,003 --> 01:19:24,350
8447And we get out, we get out of the chopper,
8448
84491981
845001:19:24,350 --> 01:19:27,410
8451and I look over and up
8452against the wall is a tank
8453
84541982
845501:19:27,410 --> 01:19:29,030
8456and the turret is pointed over the wall,
8457
84581983
845901:19:29,030 --> 01:19:30,820
8460directly at the town.
8461
84621984
846301:19:30,820 --> 01:19:31,800
8464And I go to the commander.
8465
84661985
846701:19:31,800 --> 01:19:32,940
8468I go, what's the deal with the tank?
8469
84701986
847101:19:32,940 --> 01:19:34,517
8472And he goes, "It's a reminder."
8473
84741987
847501:19:39,420 --> 01:19:41,030
8476That's how we're changing
8477hearts and minds.
8478
84791988
848001:19:41,030 --> 01:19:44,483
8481Ah, we're reminding them.
8482
84831989
848401:19:45,650 --> 01:19:46,483
8485So, the guy takes it,
8486
84871990
848801:19:46,483 --> 01:19:48,750
8489and I wanna say, you wanna
8490talk about being we the people?
8491
84921991
849301:19:48,750 --> 01:19:52,180
8494Every soldier I saw,
8495white, black, Hispanic,
8496
84971992
849801:19:52,180 --> 01:19:54,020
8499didn't matter whatever religion they were,
8500
85011993
850201:19:54,020 --> 01:19:55,050
8503all working together.
8504
85051994
850601:19:55,050 --> 01:19:56,360
8507You wanna talk about we?
8508
85091995
851001:19:56,360 --> 01:19:58,843
8511Those guys did it every day
8512and they were bad-ass at it.
8513
85141996
851501:19:58,843 --> 01:20:01,704
8516(audience cheering)
8517(audience applauding)
8518
85191997
852001:20:01,704 --> 01:20:06,704
8521And, so this lieutenant takes
8522up on the third balcony,
8523
85241998
852501:20:07,890 --> 01:20:08,723
8526and we're overlooking
8527the town in the distance,
8528
85291999
853001:20:08,723 --> 01:20:10,570
8531and he starts talking
8532about this town of Azrah
8533
85342000
853501:20:10,570 --> 01:20:11,640
8536that we're at and he goes,
8537
85382001
853901:20:11,640 --> 01:20:13,563
8540this town of Azrah is one of
8541the smallest town in Iraq,
8542
85432002
854401:20:13,563 --> 01:20:15,440
8545and all the bad guys,
8546the worst of the worst
8547
85482003
854901:20:15,440 --> 01:20:16,400
8550are coming here and hiding out,
8551
85522004
855301:20:16,400 --> 01:20:17,720
8554so we had to build his base here
8555
85562005
855701:20:17,720 --> 01:20:18,553
8558so we can go get 'em.
8559
85602006
856101:20:18,553 --> 01:20:19,790
8562And our guys go in every night,
8563
85642007
856501:20:19,790 --> 01:20:20,623
8566and they don't know
8567what's behind that door,
8568
85692008
857001:20:20,623 --> 01:20:22,330
8571and they kick the door
8572in and they're just,
8573
85742009
857501:20:22,330 --> 01:20:23,430
8576they're knockin' and rockin'.
8577
85782010
857901:20:23,430 --> 01:20:25,300
8580I was proud, I was like, yeah!
8581
85822011
858301:20:25,300 --> 01:20:28,113
8584And then my anus clenched shut.
8585
85862012
858701:20:30,090 --> 01:20:32,740
8588Like, I had this caveman
8589fear come up in me.
8590
85912013
859201:20:32,740 --> 01:20:33,900
8593I don't know what happened,
8594
85952014
859601:20:33,900 --> 01:20:36,460
8597but I turned around, and
8598about 20 feet behind us,
8599
86002015
860101:20:36,460 --> 01:20:38,640
8602this Special Ops guy had
8603walked out onto the balcony,
8604
86052016
860601:20:38,640 --> 01:20:40,040
8607but he wouldn't come out any further.
8608
86092017
861001:20:40,040 --> 01:20:41,870
8611And he didn't have a lot
8612of patches on his uniform.
8613
86142018
861501:20:41,870 --> 01:20:42,890
8616I don't know what unit he was in
8617
86182019
861901:20:42,890 --> 01:20:44,970
8620but, maybe, any military guy?
8621
86222020
862301:20:44,970 --> 01:20:47,290
8624The patch on his arm, it
8625was Satan raping a bear.
8626
86272021
862801:20:47,290 --> 01:20:48,123
8629I don't know.
8630
86312022
863201:20:50,720 --> 01:20:52,140
8633Anybody wanna fight those guys?
8634
86352023
863601:20:52,140 --> 01:20:53,590
8637I'm not fightin' those guys.
8638
86392024
864001:20:53,590 --> 01:20:54,760
8641And this guy was crazy.
8642
86432025
864401:20:54,760 --> 01:20:57,440
8645He was (stammering), he was an X-Men,
8646
86472026
864801:20:57,440 --> 01:20:59,140
8649that's what he was, he was a X-Men.
8650
86512027
865201:20:59,140 --> 01:21:00,700
8653He had the waist of a 12-year-old girl,
8654
86552028
865601:21:00,700 --> 01:21:01,920
8657like the shoulders of a Yeti.
8658
86592029
866001:21:01,920 --> 01:21:02,903
8661It was insane,
8662
86632030
866401:21:04,050 --> 01:21:05,480
8665and he was also calm, too.
8666
86672031
866801:21:05,480 --> 01:21:07,270
8669Now, every man in this
8670room who's been in a couple
8671
86722032
867301:21:07,270 --> 01:21:08,987
8674of bar fights, you know
8675the guys you can fight
8676
86772033
867801:21:08,987 --> 01:21:10,920
8679and the guys you can't fight.
8680
86812034
868201:21:10,920 --> 01:21:12,696
8683That guy that's goin',
8684come on, me and you,
8685
86862035
868701:21:12,696 --> 01:21:14,310
8688let's dance, let's do this!
8689
86902036
869101:21:14,310 --> 01:21:15,143
8692That guy?
8693
86942037
869501:21:15,143 --> 01:21:15,976
8696Get out your phones,
8697
86982038
869901:21:15,976 --> 01:21:17,580
8700He's getting his ass kicked,
8701
87022039
870301:21:17,580 --> 01:21:21,100
8704and it's gonna be hilarious.
8705
87062040
870701:21:21,100 --> 01:21:24,020
8708Then there's that other
8709guy that just goes,
8710
87112041
871201:21:24,020 --> 01:21:25,123
8713sure you wanna fight?
8714
87152042
871601:21:26,164 --> 01:21:29,164
8717(audience laughing)
8718
87192043
872001:21:34,200 --> 01:21:36,243
8721As a matter of fact, I apologize.
8722
87232044
872401:21:39,758 --> 01:21:40,800
8725(audience whooping)
8726
87272045
872801:21:40,800 --> 01:21:43,010
8729And this guy was calmer
8730than that guy, and very,
8731
87322046
873301:21:43,010 --> 01:21:44,173
8734he's standing 20 feet behind us
8735
87362047
873701:21:44,173 --> 01:21:45,710
8738on the edge of this balcony,
8739
87402048
874101:21:45,710 --> 01:21:47,013
8742and we're way out in the front of it,
8743
87442049
874501:21:47,013 --> 01:21:48,507
8746and he just goes, "Gentlemen,
8747would you guys mind
8748
87492050
875001:21:48,507 --> 01:21:50,760
8751"coming back here for a second, please?"
8752
87532051
875401:21:50,760 --> 01:21:53,570
8755So, Everlast turns, 'cause
8756in his voice, you heard it.
8757
87582052
875901:21:53,570 --> 01:21:55,220
8760Everlast walks past him, I walk past him,
8761
87622053
876301:21:55,220 --> 01:21:56,280
8764the lieutenant walks past him.
8765
87662054
876701:21:56,280 --> 01:21:57,130
8768As the the lieutenant walks over,
8769
87702055
877101:21:57,130 --> 01:21:58,470
8772he grabs the front of his shirt
8773
87742056
877501:21:58,470 --> 01:22:01,570
8776and part of his nipple,
8777'cause the kid made noise.
8778
87792057
878001:22:01,570 --> 01:22:03,637
8781The kid went, "Oh!"
8782
87832058
878401:22:03,637 --> 01:22:06,150
8785And now he's getting carry/dragged
8786
87872059
878801:22:06,150 --> 01:22:08,460
8789behind this wall, and the guy
8790slams him against the wall,
8791
87922060
879301:22:08,460 --> 01:22:10,033
8794and I said, I am not next.
8795
87962061
879701:22:12,490 --> 01:22:15,290
8798I'm blaming him, he brought us out here.
8799
88002062
880101:22:15,290 --> 01:22:16,553
8802And the guy doesn't pay
8803attention to me at all.
8804
88052063
880601:22:16,553 --> 01:22:18,167
8807Gets right in the kid's face, and he goes,
8808
88092064
881001:22:18,167 --> 01:22:20,427
8811"You do know there are snipers
8812
88132065
881401:22:20,427 --> 01:22:23,710
8815"in that town right now, right?"
8816
88172066
881801:22:23,710 --> 01:22:26,600
8819And Everlast goes, "Uh,
8820can I kick his ass?"
8821
88222067
882301:22:26,600 --> 01:22:29,710
8824(audience laughing)
8825
88262068
882701:22:29,710 --> 01:22:31,820
8828And the guy was like, no,
8829it's against Army regulations,
8830
88312069
883201:22:31,820 --> 01:22:33,920
8833plus I gotta rape him in a minute, anyway.
8834
88352070
883601:22:35,230 --> 01:22:37,980
8837Now, I didn't tell that story
8838at the Christmas special.
8839
88402071
884101:22:40,570 --> 01:22:41,870
8842So, here's what a nice guy W. is.
8843
88442072
884501:22:41,870 --> 01:22:43,320
8846I'm in front of him doing my show.
8847
88482073
884901:22:43,320 --> 01:22:44,670
8850It's going all right.
8851
88522074
885301:22:44,670 --> 01:22:46,180
8854W. and his wife, Laura are sitting there.
8855
88562075
885701:22:46,180 --> 01:22:47,450
8858In the middle of it, I go, Mr. President,
8859
88602076
886101:22:47,450 --> 01:22:48,860
8862I go, it's hard for me to
8863call you Mr. President.
8864
88652077
886601:22:48,860 --> 01:22:50,060
8867Can I just call you Hoss?
8868
88692078
887001:22:50,060 --> 01:22:51,367
8871- Hoss?
8872- Yeah.
8873
88742079
887501:22:51,367 --> 01:22:53,377
8876And the whole room goes
8877(imitates brakes squealing).
8878
88792080
888001:22:55,318 --> 01:22:56,470
8881I thought it would get a laugh
8882
88832081
888401:22:56,470 --> 01:22:58,430
8885not thinking that I just
8886called the President
8887
88882082
888901:22:58,430 --> 01:23:00,633
8890of the United States Hoss.
8891
88922083
889301:23:01,990 --> 01:23:03,407
8894And W. looks at me and goes,
8895
88962084
889701:23:03,407 --> 01:23:04,240
8898"Yeah, Hoss.
8899
89002085
890101:23:04,240 --> 01:23:06,307
8902"I like that, go ahead
8903and call me Hoss, yeah."
8904
89052086
890601:23:07,600 --> 01:23:08,670
8907Then at the end of that show,
8908
89092087
891001:23:08,670 --> 01:23:09,780
8911we're all standing on stage behind him,
8912
89132088
891401:23:09,780 --> 01:23:11,250
8915and he goes to the mic to make a speech.
8916
89172089
891801:23:11,250 --> 01:23:12,437
8919And he walk up and he goes,
8920"How's everybody doin'?
8921
89222090
892301:23:12,437 --> 01:23:15,117
8924"Hoss here." (laughing)
8925
89262091
892701:23:16,480 --> 01:23:18,280
8928Then they invited me to the White House.
8929
89302092
893101:23:18,280 --> 01:23:19,610
8932I got to go to the White House?
8933
89342093
893501:23:19,610 --> 01:23:20,730
8936Make America Great Again?
8937
89382094
893901:23:20,730 --> 01:23:23,080
8940That's pretty, great, my God.
8941
89422095
894301:23:23,080 --> 01:23:24,250
8944And I had just got divorced.
8945
89462096
894701:23:24,250 --> 01:23:26,010
8948And met my new girl, and I got,
8949
89502097
895101:23:26,010 --> 01:23:27,380
8952married her, finally, by the way.
8953
89542098
895501:23:27,380 --> 01:23:30,720
8956My new wife is so far out
8957of my league is ridiculous.
8958
89592099
896001:23:30,720 --> 01:23:33,220
8961Yeah, here's out of my league my wife is.
8962
89632100
896401:23:33,220 --> 01:23:34,600
8965We'll be in an airport somewhere.
8966
89672101
896801:23:34,600 --> 01:23:35,690
8969She'll get up to go to the bathroom
8970
89712102
897201:23:35,690 --> 01:23:38,470
8973and guys I don't know will
8974walk over to me and go,
8975
89762103
897701:23:38,470 --> 01:23:41,140
8978dude, how did you land that?
8979
89802104
898101:23:41,140 --> 01:23:43,760
8982I'm like, I don't know, bro, I don't know.
8983
89842105
898501:23:43,760 --> 01:23:46,260
8986I have no idea. (chuckling)
8987
89882106
898901:23:46,260 --> 01:23:48,143
8990And don't you say nothing to her,
8991
89922107
899301:23:50,220 --> 01:23:52,236
8994'cause she may not know this is weird.
8995
89962108
899701:23:52,236 --> 01:23:55,236
8998(audience laughing)
8999
90002109
900101:23:57,610 --> 01:23:58,530
9002So, I called her, I said,
9003
90042110
900501:23:58,530 --> 01:24:00,320
9006you wanna go on a date to The White House?
9007
90082111
900901:24:00,320 --> 01:24:03,553
9010No, not Waffle House, White House.
9011
90122112
901301:24:04,750 --> 01:24:05,860
9014She meets me there.
9015
90162113
901701:24:05,860 --> 01:24:07,780
9018She's got on a ball
9019gown, I've got a tuxedo.
9020
90212114
902201:24:07,780 --> 01:24:10,040
9023We're in line to get a picture
9024
90252115
902601:24:10,040 --> 01:24:12,230
9027with W. and his wife, Laura.
9028
90292116
903001:24:12,230 --> 01:24:14,503
9031And here's what a normal dude W. is.
9032
90332117
903401:24:15,390 --> 01:24:17,370
9035As we walk over, he glances, sees my girl,
9036
90372118
903801:24:17,370 --> 01:24:19,768
9039and goes, "All right,
9040things are looking up."
9041
90422119
904301:24:19,768 --> 01:24:21,754
9044(audience laughing)
9045
90462120
904701:24:21,754 --> 01:24:26,085
9048(audience whooping)
9049(audience applauding)
9050
90512121
905201:24:26,085 --> 01:24:29,502
9053And I was like, fist bump, Mr. President.
9054
90552122
905601:24:30,353 --> 01:24:31,467
9057He was like, "I told you to call me Hoss.
9058
90592123
906001:24:31,467 --> 01:24:32,597
9061"Call me Hoss."
9062
90632124
906401:24:34,300 --> 01:24:35,644
9065Nice man, nice man, even when you see him
9066
90672125
906801:24:35,644 --> 01:24:36,970
9069in interviews now, with
9070Clinton or whatever,
9071
90722126
907301:24:36,970 --> 01:24:38,900
9074he's just, he's self-deprecating,
9075he's a nice guy.
9076
90772127
907801:24:38,900 --> 01:24:41,740
9079On the other hand, our new guy hate tweets
9080
90812128
908201:24:41,740 --> 01:24:46,060
9083about civil rights leaders on
9084Martin Luther King weekend.
9085
90862129
908701:24:46,060 --> 01:24:47,100
9088Does he have a calendar?
9089
90902130
909101:24:47,100 --> 01:24:48,650
9092I'm gonna save this
9093tweet till next Saturday.
9094
90952131
909601:24:48,650 --> 01:24:50,050
9097Maybe that would make sense.
9098
90992132
910001:24:52,000 --> 01:24:55,170
9101He's gone after some of
9102America's most hated terrorists:
9103
91042133
910501:24:55,170 --> 01:24:56,263
9106Meryl Streep.
9107
91082134
910901:24:58,450 --> 01:25:00,270
9110Called Meryl Streep overrated.
9111
91122135
911301:25:00,270 --> 01:25:03,440
9114She's been nominated for
911520 Oscars and won six.
9116
91172136
911801:25:03,440 --> 01:25:06,050
9119I'm sorry, you don't get to
9120talk to talk shit about anybody
9121
91222137
912301:25:06,050 --> 01:25:09,500
9124if your best skill is
9125bankruptcy and the comb over.
9126
91272138
912801:25:09,500 --> 01:25:14,500
9129(audience applauding)
9130(audience whooping)
9131
91322139
913301:25:15,417 --> 01:25:16,920
9134And Trump people, I want you to know
9135
91362140
913701:25:16,920 --> 01:25:18,600
9138I'm not giving you my
9139opinion, this is a fact.
9140
91412141
914201:25:18,600 --> 01:25:21,633
9143The man bankrupt four casinos.
9144
91452142
914601:25:23,380 --> 01:25:25,483
9147Do you know how casinos work?
9148
91492143
915001:25:30,530 --> 01:25:32,063
9151People walk into the casino.
9152
91532144
915401:25:33,930 --> 01:25:36,573
9155They hand over all their money.
9156
91572145
915801:25:37,580 --> 01:25:41,277
9159And then, they walk out of the casino.
9160
91612146
916201:25:41,277 --> 01:25:42,720
9163(audience applauding)
9164
91652147
916601:25:42,720 --> 01:25:46,290
9167(audience cheering)
9168
91692148
917001:25:46,290 --> 01:25:49,050
9171Somehow, he found the glitch in that.
9172
91732149
917401:25:59,637 --> 01:26:01,540
9175Ah, but again the problem
9176is liberals in our country
9177
91782150
917901:26:01,540 --> 01:26:02,670
9180and here's why.
9181
91822151
918301:26:02,670 --> 01:26:03,990
9184Here's why: liberals right now
9185
91862152
918701:26:03,990 --> 01:26:05,040
9188think they have the moral high ground.
9189
91902153
919101:26:05,040 --> 01:26:05,873
9192They're actually all thinking that.
9193
91942154
919501:26:05,873 --> 01:26:07,480
9196You know, these people are
9197stupid, they voted for Trump.
9198
91992155
920001:26:07,480 --> 01:26:09,590
9201They're not; they didn't know
9202he was gonna be this guy.
9203
92042156
920501:26:09,590 --> 01:26:11,530
9206And now because everyone's
9207talking shit online
9208
92092157
921001:26:11,530 --> 01:26:12,920
9211like a bunch of digital pussies,
9212
92132158
921401:26:12,920 --> 01:26:14,200
9215everyone's got their back up.
9216
92172159
921801:26:14,200 --> 01:26:15,870
9219You know, you can't say fuck you, dude.
9220
92212160
922201:26:15,870 --> 01:26:17,170
9223No one's gonna, oh, we're good, hug me.
9224
92252161
922601:26:17,170 --> 01:26:18,370
9227That's not what happens.
9228
92292162
923001:26:19,450 --> 01:26:20,480
9231We gotta learn to be cool.
9232
92332163
923401:26:20,480 --> 01:26:22,170
9235If we're gonna be we again.
9236
92372164
923801:26:22,170 --> 01:26:23,500
9239we got to be cool,
9240peoples making mistakes.
9241
92422165
924301:26:23,500 --> 01:26:24,710
9244My grandmother's 84 years old.
9245
92462166
924701:26:24,710 --> 01:26:25,543
9248She voted for Trump.
9249
92502167
925101:26:25,543 --> 01:26:27,460
9252We're playing cards over Christmas,
9253
92542168
925501:26:27,460 --> 01:26:29,380
9256and in the middle of playing cards,
9257
92582169
925901:26:29,380 --> 01:26:30,727
9260she just goes, "I wish this man
9261
92622170
926301:26:30,727 --> 01:26:32,904
9264"would just put down the tweeter."
9265
92662171
926701:26:32,904 --> 01:26:35,904
9268(audience laughing)
9269
92702172
927101:26:38,210 --> 01:26:39,610
9272Cannot believe a voter for this idiot.
9273
92742173
927501:26:39,610 --> 01:26:40,570
9276I made a mistake.
9277
92782174
927901:26:40,570 --> 01:26:41,860
9280And you know what I didn't do?
9281
92822175
928301:26:41,860 --> 01:26:43,333
9284Yeah, bitch!
9285
92862176
928701:26:43,333 --> 01:26:45,280
9288(audience laughing)
9289(audience applauding)
9290
92912177
929201:26:45,280 --> 01:26:48,511
9293Yeah, why don't you suck on that, Grandma?
9294
92952178
929601:26:48,511 --> 01:26:49,344
9297Yeah.
9298
92992179
930001:26:56,490 --> 01:26:59,000
9301They know, liberals, they know.
9302
93032180
930401:26:59,000 --> 01:27:01,181
9305They just don't know what to do about it.
9306
93072181
930801:27:01,181 --> 01:27:02,610
9309You know they gotta,
9310they're gonna ride it out,
9311
93122182
931301:27:02,610 --> 01:27:03,740
9314but they know, trust me.
9315
93162183
931701:27:03,740 --> 01:27:05,080
9318They go home.
9319
93202184
932101:27:05,080 --> 01:27:06,540
9322We're all the same, people, we're all,
9323
93242185
932501:27:06,540 --> 01:27:08,090
9326I can prove we're, every
9327one of us, the same.
9328
93292186
933001:27:08,090 --> 01:27:09,610
9331Every single one of us, in the morning,
9332
93332187
933401:27:09,610 --> 01:27:11,360
9335grabs our phone, hits the news feed,
9336
93372188
933801:27:11,360 --> 01:27:14,340
9339sees what he says, and says
9340exactly what Paul Ryan says.
9341
93422189
934301:27:14,340 --> 01:27:15,353
9344Fuck!
9345
93462190
934701:27:15,353 --> 01:27:18,650
9348(audience laughing)
9349
93502191
935101:27:18,650 --> 01:27:20,000
9352We're all the same.
9353
93542192
935501:27:20,000 --> 01:27:21,340
9356Every single one of us knows
9357
93582193
935901:27:21,340 --> 01:27:23,850
9360every time we see Kellyanne
9361Conway on the television
9362
93632194
936401:27:23,850 --> 01:27:25,500
9365that somewhere, she's got a coat
9366
93672195
936801:27:25,500 --> 01:27:27,199
9369made out of Dalmatian puppies.
9370
93712196
937201:27:27,199 --> 01:27:31,239
9373(audience laughing)
9374(audience applauding)
9375
93762197
937701:27:31,239 --> 01:27:32,189
9378We're all the same.
9379
93802198
938101:27:33,948 --> 01:27:34,781
9382There's no difference.
9383
93842199
938501:27:34,781 --> 01:27:35,614
9386We're all Americans, man.
9387
93882200
938901:27:35,614 --> 01:27:38,420
9390Everyone in this room
9391knows that from space,
9392
93932201
939401:27:38,420 --> 01:27:39,940
9395Trump's hair looks like Doppler radar
9396
93972202
939801:27:39,940 --> 01:27:41,267
9399during hurricane season.
9400
94012203
940201:27:41,267 --> 01:27:44,919
9403(audience laughing)
9404(audience whooping)
9405
94062204
940701:27:44,919 --> 01:27:47,473
9408How do you comb your hair
9409over from your neck, man?
9410
94112205
941201:27:49,130 --> 01:27:50,073
9413It's insane.
9414
94152206
941601:27:51,000 --> 01:27:53,450
9417We're all the same 'cause
9418everybody in this room
9419
94202207
942101:27:53,450 --> 01:27:54,740
9422whether who you voted for,
9423
94242208
942501:27:54,740 --> 01:27:56,060
9426when he walked up the stairs that day
9427
94282209
942901:27:56,060 --> 01:27:57,613
9430and that whole thing went, baa.
9431
94322210
943301:27:59,508 --> 01:28:02,047
9434We all knew that's a Dr.
9435Evil moment, oh my God.
9436
94372211
943801:28:03,550 --> 01:28:05,460
9439And he's obviously part clam.
9440
94412212
944201:28:05,460 --> 01:28:06,513
9443What just happened?
9444
94452213
944601:28:10,660 --> 01:28:11,700
9447So, I want everyone to be cool
9448
94492214
945001:28:11,700 --> 01:28:12,660
9451with people's mistakes now.
9452
94532215
945401:28:12,660 --> 01:28:13,493
9455We're all gonna be,
9456
94572216
945801:28:13,493 --> 01:28:14,326
9459in fact, I'm gonna tell
9460you a story right now
9461
94622217
946301:28:14,326 --> 01:28:15,520
9464about one of the worst mistakes
9465
94662218
946701:28:15,520 --> 01:28:17,100
9468I have made in the last five years,
9469
94702219
947101:28:17,100 --> 01:28:18,280
9472and we're gonna laugh about it.
9473
94742220
947501:28:18,280 --> 01:28:19,830
9476And that's how we're gonna be
9477when someone says they voted.
9478
94792221
948001:28:19,830 --> 01:28:21,480
9481Anyone, next time they
9482go, dude, what happened?
9483
94842222
948501:28:21,480 --> 01:28:22,470
9486I can't believe I did this,
9487
94882223
948901:28:22,470 --> 01:28:23,390
9490you're not gonna get mad.
9491
94922224
949301:28:23,390 --> 01:28:24,513
9494You're not gonna be, oh, yeah, fuck you.
9495
94962225
949701:28:24,513 --> 01:28:25,630
9498He's not my president.
9499
95002226
950101:28:25,630 --> 01:28:26,870
9502Yeah, you live here, too, fucker.
9503
95042227
950501:28:26,870 --> 01:28:27,703
9506Yeah, he is.
9507
95082228
950901:28:27,703 --> 01:28:29,540
9510(audience laughing)
9511(audience applauding)
9512
95132229
951401:28:29,540 --> 01:28:30,910
9515By the way, you don't have to like it,
9516
95172230
951801:28:30,910 --> 01:28:31,987
9519but we gotta figure out how to fix it,
9520
95212231
952201:28:31,987 --> 01:28:34,070
9523and the only way that's
9524gonna happen is we.
9525
95262232
952701:28:34,070 --> 01:28:36,710
9528'Kay, so, I'm gonna tell you a story.
9529
95302233
953101:28:36,710 --> 01:28:37,543
9532And you guys, it's the worst thing
9533
95342234
953501:28:37,543 --> 01:28:38,854
9536I did in the last five years.
9537
95382235
953901:28:38,854 --> 01:28:42,280
9540(clears throat) I started
9541drinking when I was 15 years old.
9542
95432236
954401:28:42,280 --> 01:28:47,113
9545I stop drinking at 17 because
9546I fell into a bonfire.
9547
95482237
954901:28:47,113 --> 01:28:48,750
9550(audience laughing)
9551
95522238
955301:28:48,750 --> 01:28:50,155
9554Oh, I got really good at drinkin'.
9555
95562239
955701:28:50,155 --> 01:28:53,210
9558That's gold-medal level, right there.
9559
95602240
956101:28:53,210 --> 01:28:54,920
9562Alcoholics Anonymous sent me a certificate
9563
95642241
956501:28:54,920 --> 01:28:56,003
9566that just said wow.
9567
95682242
956901:28:57,984 --> 01:29:00,334
9570And then under that it
9571said, we can't help you.
9572
95732243
957401:29:01,180 --> 01:29:03,370
9575So, I stop drinking at 17 years old.
9576
95772244
957801:29:03,370 --> 01:29:04,290
9579I didn't drink again till I hit 41.
9580
95812245
958201:29:04,290 --> 01:29:07,110
9583I met my new girl, we're
9584at dinner one night,
9585
95862246
958701:29:07,110 --> 01:29:08,550
9588having dinner, and I had water.
9589
95902247
959101:29:08,550 --> 01:29:09,700
9592And she goes, "How come
9593you're not having a drink?"
9594
95952248
959601:29:09,700 --> 01:29:12,220
9597And I go, 'cause I fell into
9598a bonfire when I was 17.
9599
96002249
960101:29:12,220 --> 01:29:13,697
9602And she goes, "But you're not 17 anymore.
9603
96042250
960501:29:13,697 --> 01:29:15,107
9606"You're a grown-ass man."
9607
96082251
960901:29:16,312 --> 01:29:18,312
9610And I thought, wow, you're an alcoholic.
9611
96122252
961301:29:21,120 --> 01:29:21,953
9614She's said, "No, I'm just saying
9615
96162253
961701:29:21,953 --> 01:29:23,397
9618"you're not making the
9619decision of a child.
9620
96212254
962201:29:23,397 --> 01:29:24,690
9623"You're a grown man, have a drink."
9624
96252255
962601:29:24,690 --> 01:29:26,890
9627I go, do you run alcohol
9628distribution company?
9629
96302256
963101:29:26,890 --> 01:29:28,253
9632What is wrong with you?
9633
96342257
963501:29:29,110 --> 01:29:30,727
9636And then she said, "I'm
9637just saying a real man
9638
96392258
964001:29:30,727 --> 01:29:31,583
9641"would have a drink."
9642
96432259
964401:29:31,583 --> 01:29:33,083
9645-  Whoa!
9646
96472260
964801:29:35,210 --> 01:29:37,113
9649- She's from Louisiana, I said okay.
9650
96512261
965201:29:38,240 --> 01:29:42,129
9653And she was showing a lot
9654of side boob, so I said yes.
9655
96562262
965701:29:42,129 --> 01:29:43,723
9658I am only flesh and blood.
9659
96602263
966101:29:45,252 --> 01:29:46,085
9662And she was right,
9663
96642264
966501:29:46,085 --> 01:29:46,918
9666I was an older man, different guy,
9667
96682265
966901:29:46,918 --> 01:29:47,751
9670have a different life.
9671
96722266
967301:29:47,751 --> 01:29:48,780
9674I had a drink, I'm fine.
9675
96762267
967701:29:48,780 --> 01:29:50,200
9678I can drink, it's good, everything's fine.
9679
96802268
968101:29:50,200 --> 01:29:52,380
9682Everything's fine,
9683yeah, yeah, I can drink.
9684
96852269
968601:29:52,380 --> 01:29:53,213
9687But...
9688
96892270
969001:29:54,280 --> 01:29:55,770
9691Recently, something happened.
9692
96932271
969401:29:55,770 --> 01:29:57,430
9695And by the way, and I'm
9696the worst kind of drunk,
9697
96982272
969901:29:57,430 --> 01:29:58,263
9700'cause I'm happy drunk.
9701
97022273
970301:29:58,263 --> 01:29:59,870
9704You can't piss me off.
9705
97062274
970701:29:59,870 --> 01:30:00,720
9708We'll be in a bar somewhere,
9709
97102275
971101:30:00,720 --> 01:30:02,060
9712someone's goin', what
9713the hell you lookin' at?
9714
97152276
971601:30:02,060 --> 01:30:03,955
9717Your hair is amazing.
9718
97192277
972001:30:03,955 --> 01:30:06,955
9721(audience laughing)
9722
97232278
972401:30:08,965 --> 01:30:10,460
9725Is that a mousse or a pomade,
9726
97272279
972801:30:10,460 --> 01:30:13,023
9729'cause you are beautiful, Brad Pitt.
9730
97312280
973201:30:14,515 --> 01:30:15,700
9733Oh, you wanna do me, homo?
9734
97352281
973601:30:15,700 --> 01:30:17,853
9737No, but we can get married legally now.
9738
97392282
974001:30:20,853 --> 01:30:22,915
9741Hell, I'll even bake you a cake.
9742
97432283
974401:30:22,915 --> 01:30:27,915
9745(audience applauding)
9746(audience whooping)
9747
97482284
974901:30:30,895 --> 01:30:33,040
9750(drunken laughing) I'm
9751gonna need a couple more
9752
97532285
975401:30:33,040 --> 01:30:33,890
9755of these, though,
9756
97572286
975801:30:34,990 --> 01:30:37,003
9759'cause I know my mouth is gorgeous.
9760
97612287
976201:30:39,870 --> 01:30:41,687
9763I'm the guy, when people
9764are dragging me out
9765
97662288
976701:30:41,687 --> 01:30:42,520
9768and I'm laughing at 'em,
9769
97702289
977101:30:42,520 --> 01:30:43,830
9772I'm like, what, we're just talking.
9773
97742290
977501:30:43,830 --> 01:30:44,740
9776No, he's gonna kill you.
9777
97782291
977901:30:44,740 --> 01:30:46,140
9780Why? What?
9781
97822292
978301:30:46,140 --> 01:30:46,973
9784Is he mad?
9785
97862293
978701:30:46,973 --> 01:30:48,020
9788Come on, gimme a hug.
9789
97902294
979101:30:48,020 --> 01:30:48,880
9792Come on, it's okay.
9793
97942295
979501:30:48,880 --> 01:30:50,512
9796Here, hug it out.
9797
97982296
979901:30:50,512 --> 01:30:52,262
9800Let's all hug it out.
9801
98022297
980301:30:54,710 --> 01:30:56,860
9804I'm a pain in the ass,
9805dude, I'm the worst.
9806
98072298
980801:30:58,200 --> 01:30:59,680
9809So, you know, I can
9810drink, everything's fine.
9811
98122299
981301:30:59,680 --> 01:31:02,510
9814So I got, but I got one, okay.
9815
98162300
981701:31:02,510 --> 01:31:05,550
9818So, a while back, I got home
9819from one of my road gigs
9820
98212301
982201:31:05,550 --> 01:31:07,330
9823and on Monday I take the
9824day off and I watch my shows
9825
98262302
982701:31:07,330 --> 01:31:08,183
9828on my DVR.
9829
98302303
983101:31:08,183 --> 01:31:10,590
9832I was watching Street
9833Outlaws, or whatever it is.
9834
98352304
983601:31:10,590 --> 01:31:12,173
9837And I had three glasses of wine.
9838
98392305
984001:31:12,173 --> 01:31:13,100
9841I had three, I had three.
9842
98432306
984401:31:13,100 --> 01:31:15,839
9845I poured a whole bottle
9846into three glasses of wine.
9847
98482307
984901:31:15,839 --> 01:31:17,486
9850(audience laughing)
9851
98522308
985301:31:17,486 --> 01:31:20,504
9854(audience applauding)
9855
98562309
985701:31:20,504 --> 01:31:21,730
9858And I drank it over three hours,
9859
98602310
986101:31:21,730 --> 01:31:23,823
9862he says to justify his behavior.
9863
98642311
986501:31:26,315 --> 01:31:27,670
9866I got done drinking, it was
9867three hours, I remembered.
9868
98692312
987001:31:27,670 --> 01:31:29,115
9871I went upstairs and my
9872wife was already in bed.
9873
98742313
987501:31:29,115 --> 01:31:29,948
9876And I get in bed.
9877
98782314
987901:31:29,948 --> 01:31:31,657
9880She goes, "Hey, your
9881throat sounds kinda raspy.
9882
98832315
988401:31:31,657 --> 01:31:33,688
9885"I want you to take this Benadryl."
9886
98872316
988801:31:33,688 --> 01:31:34,521
9889-  Oh.
9890
98912317
989201:31:34,521 --> 01:31:36,190
9893- I didn't know this part, see?
9894
98952318
989601:31:36,190 --> 01:31:37,330
9897This is the part.
9898
98992319
990001:31:37,330 --> 01:31:38,710
9901I don't take medication.
9902
99032320
990401:31:38,710 --> 01:31:41,520
9905I did not know that wine
9906plus wine, plus wine,
9907
99082321
990901:31:41,520 --> 01:31:44,413
9910plus Benadryl equals oh my God, no.
9911
99122322
991301:31:44,413 --> 01:31:47,037
9914(audience laughing)
9915
99162323
991701:31:47,037 --> 01:31:49,266
9918And that's the second math
9919joke I have ever written.
9920
99212324
992201:31:49,266 --> 01:31:50,592
9923(audience cheering)
9924
99252325
992601:31:50,592 --> 01:31:55,592
9927Thank you.
9928
99292326
993001:31:56,380 --> 01:31:57,780
9931So, I took the Benadryl 'cause I love her.
9932
99332327
993401:31:57,780 --> 01:32:00,330
9935Well, she can just hand
9936me anything, take this.
9937
99382328
993901:32:00,330 --> 01:32:02,670
9940Okay. (vocal burbling)
9941
99422329
994301:32:02,670 --> 01:32:03,913
9944Why am I foaming now?
9945
99462330
994701:32:05,301 --> 01:32:06,280
9948She's just counting money.
9949
99502331
995101:32:06,280 --> 01:32:07,380
9952No reason, keep going.
9953
99542332
995501:32:09,570 --> 01:32:11,590
9956People, I took that
9957Benadryl after that wine.
9958
99592333
996001:32:11,590 --> 01:32:14,543
9961I slept like I have
9962never slept in my life.
9963
99642334
996501:32:16,370 --> 01:32:18,013
9966Almost went into the light.
9967
99682335
996901:32:20,660 --> 01:32:23,580
9970Woke up the next morning like
9971I had a blood transfusion
9972
99732336
997401:32:23,580 --> 01:32:25,140
9975like I feel incredible!
9976
99772337
997801:32:25,140 --> 01:32:27,150
9979This must be what Oprah
9980and Keith Richards do.
9981
99822338
998301:32:27,150 --> 01:32:29,243
9984This is incredible, woo!
9985
99862339
998701:32:30,940 --> 01:32:33,340
9988But my house was weird.
9989
99902340
999101:32:33,340 --> 01:32:34,960
9992Like, my wife woke up, she was grumpy,
9993
99942341
999501:32:34,960 --> 01:32:35,989
9996but she wakes up grumpy sometimes.
9997
99982342
999901:32:35,989 --> 01:32:36,822
10000I didn't think about that,
10001
100022343
1000301:32:36,822 --> 01:32:38,190
10004but my dogs were inconsistent
10005
100062344
1000701:32:38,190 --> 01:32:39,160
10008and my dogs are very constant.
10009
100102345
1001101:32:39,160 --> 01:32:40,270
10012Every morning, I wake up,
10013
100142346
1001501:32:40,270 --> 01:32:42,658
10016my older dog just face
10017rapes me for five minutes.
10018
100192347
1002001:32:42,658 --> 01:32:44,330
10021That's what he does.
10022
100232348
1002401:32:44,330 --> 01:32:45,790
10025This morning, though, he was sitting
10026
100272349
1002801:32:45,790 --> 01:32:47,560
10029at the end of the bed as
10030far as he could get away
10031
100322350
1003301:32:47,560 --> 01:32:48,493
10034from me, going.
10035
100362351
1003701:32:50,560 --> 01:32:52,240
10038Our younger dog, who's the dark soul,
10039
100402352
1004101:32:52,240 --> 01:32:54,463
10042he listens to Nine Inch
10043Nails all the time,
10044
100452353
1004601:32:55,350 --> 01:32:56,710
10047usually under the bed shivering.
10048
100492354
1005001:32:56,710 --> 01:32:58,550
10051This morning, however,
10052he's bouncing all over me
10053
100542355
1005501:32:58,550 --> 01:33:00,680
10056like whatever I did last, we were buddies,
10057
100582356
1005901:33:00,680 --> 01:33:01,900
10060gonna hang out in the smoking area
10061
100622357
1006301:33:01,900 --> 01:33:04,433
10064and carve our initials in our arm.
10065
100662358
1006701:33:05,347 --> 01:33:06,190
10068I didn't think anything of it.
10069
100702359
1007101:33:06,190 --> 01:33:07,490
10072I just went about my day.
10073
100742360
1007501:33:07,490 --> 01:33:09,070
10076And my wife didn't say anything to me,
10077
100782361
1007901:33:09,070 --> 01:33:10,810
10080but instead, as I'm going about my day,
10081
100822362
1008301:33:10,810 --> 01:33:13,570
10084she started to noise me into an argument.
10085
100862363
1008701:33:13,570 --> 01:33:14,630
10088Oh yeah, (stammering).
10089
100902364
1009101:33:14,630 --> 01:33:16,310
10092She wouldn't say anything,
10093but I get my coffee,
10094
100952365
1009601:33:16,310 --> 01:33:17,480
10097I'm walkin' down the hall,
10098and as she goes by me,
10099
101002366
1010101:33:17,480 --> 01:33:18,500
10102she goes, (loud grumbling sighing).
10103
101042367
1010501:33:21,890 --> 01:33:24,333
10106You should know what I'm doing right now.
10107
101082368
1010901:33:27,657 --> 01:33:28,797
10110'Cause I walked past her two hours later
10111
101122369
1011301:33:28,797 --> 01:33:31,087
10114and she just went, "Wow."
10115
101162370
1011701:33:34,519 --> 01:33:35,352
10118And I'm not biting.
10119
101202371
1012101:33:35,352 --> 01:33:36,450
10122I know what's coming, I'm not gonna bite.
10123
101242372
1012501:33:36,450 --> 01:33:37,577
10126I just keep ignoring her.
10127
101282373
1012901:33:37,577 --> 01:33:38,717
10130And two hours later, she walks past me
10131
101322374
1013301:33:38,717 --> 01:33:41,437
10134and she just goes, "Unbelievable!"
10135
101362375
1013701:33:42,409 --> 01:33:43,242
10138What?
10139
101402376
1014101:33:45,000 --> 01:33:46,057
10142And she whips on me and she goes,
10143
101442377
1014501:33:46,057 --> 01:33:47,850
10146"Do you know what you did last night?"
10147
101482378
1014901:33:47,850 --> 01:33:49,290
10150And that sentence is never followed
10151
101522379
1015301:33:49,290 --> 01:33:51,572
10154by, you saved a baby from a fire.
10155
101562380
1015701:33:51,572 --> 01:33:54,970
10158(audience applauding)
10159(audience laughing)
10160
101612381
1016201:33:54,970 --> 01:33:56,720
10163You cured cancer, filed a patent,
10164
101652382
1016601:33:56,720 --> 01:33:57,840
10167and we never have to work again.
10168
101692383
1017001:33:57,840 --> 01:33:59,733
10171That's what you did last night!
10172
101732384
1017401:34:01,520 --> 01:34:03,740
10175So, I sat down on the edge of the bed
10176
101772385
1017801:34:05,910 --> 01:34:08,510
10179'cause I'd heard that
10180sentence before when I was 17,
10181
101822386
1018301:34:09,890 --> 01:34:13,230
10184and I said, no, what did I do last night?
10185
101862387
1018701:34:13,230 --> 01:34:14,063
10188And she said, "You were sleeping
10189
101902388
1019101:34:14,063 --> 01:34:15,180
10192"like I've never seen you sleep."
10193
101942389
1019501:34:15,180 --> 01:34:16,593
10196And I said, I remember that.
10197
101982390
1019901:34:19,480 --> 01:34:21,337
10200She said, "About three a.m, you got up
10201
102022391
1020301:34:21,337 --> 01:34:22,589
10204"to go to the bathroom."
10205
102062392
1020701:34:22,589 --> 01:34:24,440
10208(audience chuckling)
10209
102102393
1021101:34:24,440 --> 01:34:26,740
10212You shouldn't be that
10213far ahead of me on this.
10214
102152394
1021601:34:31,677 --> 01:34:33,377
10217"You got up to go to the bathroom.
10218
102192395
1022001:34:34,837 --> 01:34:36,483
10221"walked into the closet,
10222
102232396
1022401:34:41,477 --> 01:34:45,923
10225"opened your pants, then
10226opened your pajama drawer,
10227
102282397
1022901:34:48,577 --> 01:34:49,847
10230"and filled it."
10231
102322398
1023301:34:54,381 --> 01:34:56,070
10234And I said, with what?
10235
102362399
1023701:34:58,839 --> 01:35:01,439
10238Because I didn't want the
10239dogs to have one up on me.
10240
102412400
1024201:35:04,210 --> 01:35:06,367
10243She said, "Then you pulled up your pants,
10244
102452401
1024601:35:06,367 --> 01:35:09,807
10247"closed your pajama drawer, and flushed it
10248
102492402
1025001:35:09,807 --> 01:35:12,080
10251"by flicking off the light switch."
10252
102532403
1025401:35:12,080 --> 01:35:17,080
10255(audience laughing) (audience applauding)
10256
102572404
1025801:35:22,282 --> 01:35:25,270
10259I peed in my pajama drawer.
10260
102612405
1026201:35:25,270 --> 01:35:26,790
10263Now, I know a lot of
10264you are more weirded out
10265
102662406
1026701:35:26,790 --> 01:35:28,190
10268that I have a pajama drawer,
10269
102702407
1027101:35:30,630 --> 01:35:32,520
10272but my wife loves Jimmy Stewart,
10273
102742408
1027501:35:32,520 --> 01:35:34,120
10276and she likes me to sleep silky.
10277
102782409
1027901:35:36,240 --> 01:35:37,873
10280Our safe word is Harvey.
10281
102822410
1028301:35:39,250 --> 01:35:42,417
10284(audience applauding)
10285
102862411
1028701:35:45,645 --> 01:35:46,610
10288I made a dumb mistake.
10289
102902412
1029101:35:46,610 --> 01:35:48,550
10292It's a dumb mistake,
10293it was a dumb mistake.
10294
102952413
1029601:35:48,550 --> 01:35:49,900
10297So, next times, you liberals,
10298
102992414
1030001:35:49,900 --> 01:35:51,064
10301one sitting next to you, Trump people go,
10302
103032415
1030401:35:51,064 --> 01:35:52,190
10305God, I voted for this guy, and man,
10306
103072416
1030801:35:52,190 --> 01:35:53,430
10309he's just not living up to it.
10310
103112417
1031201:35:53,430 --> 01:35:54,680
10313I wish I hadn't voted for him.
10314
103152418
1031601:35:54,680 --> 01:35:55,513
10317Don't get in their face.
10318
103192419
1032001:35:55,513 --> 01:35:57,090
10321Just go, that's okay, you
10322peed in your pajama drawer.
10323
103242420
1032501:35:57,090 --> 01:35:58,253
10326It's all right.
10327
103282421
1032901:36:00,911 --> 01:36:02,120
10330But here's how we can save America,
10331
103322422
1033301:36:02,120 --> 01:36:05,620
10334if we can just get rid of the
10335confidently-stupid people.
10336
103372423
1033801:36:05,620 --> 01:36:06,730
10339I'm not talking about normal stupid,
10340
103412424
1034201:36:06,730 --> 01:36:07,743
10343or don't know and are trying,
10344
103452425
1034601:36:07,743 --> 01:36:09,090
10347I talking about the people that don't know
10348
103492426
1035001:36:09,090 --> 01:36:11,050
10351and are proud they don't
10352know, and think they know.
10353
103542427
1035501:36:11,050 --> 01:36:12,340
10356You know the people I'm talking about?
10357
103582428
1035901:36:12,340 --> 01:36:13,173
10360People that just yell at you.
10361
103622429
1036301:36:13,173 --> 01:36:14,050
10364You give 'em a fact, they're like,
10365
103662430
1036701:36:14,050 --> 01:36:15,640
10368I don't believe that.
10369
103702431
1037101:36:15,640 --> 01:36:18,580
10372Well, it doesn't care what
10373you believe, it's a fact.
10374
103752432
1037601:36:18,580 --> 01:36:19,840
10377Where'd you get that fact?
10378
103792433
1038001:36:19,840 --> 01:36:20,803
10381NASA.
10382
103832434
1038401:36:22,240 --> 01:36:24,390
10385NASA, a bunch of nerds,
10386and geeks, and elites.
10387
103882435
1038901:36:24,390 --> 01:36:25,223
10390'Cause that's what stupid people do.
10391
103922436
1039301:36:25,223 --> 01:36:26,950
10394Instead of just taking five minutes
10395
103962437
1039701:36:26,950 --> 01:36:28,560
10398to look it up, they came up with the words
10399
104002438
1040101:36:28,560 --> 01:36:30,000
10402to make fun of smart people.
10403
104042439
1040501:36:30,000 --> 01:36:33,436
10406You know, words like
10407nerd, and geek, homeowner.
10408
104092440
1041001:36:33,436 --> 01:36:36,436
10411(audience laughing)
10412
104132441
1041401:36:38,177 --> 01:36:39,760
10415Elite, the damn elites running it.
10416
104172442
1041801:36:39,760 --> 01:36:41,430
10419And I was on the elite boat for a minute.
10420
104212443
1042201:36:41,430 --> 01:36:42,760
10423During the election, I was
10424like, yeah, the elites!
10425
104262444
1042701:36:42,760 --> 01:36:44,660
10428Then I looked up what elite means.
10429
104302445
1043101:36:44,660 --> 01:36:45,630
10432You know what elite means?
10433
104342446
1043501:36:45,630 --> 01:36:47,310
10436It means best of the best.
10437
104382447
1043901:36:47,310 --> 01:36:50,070
10440Elite means you're better than
10441almost anybody at your job.
10442
104432448
1044401:36:50,070 --> 01:36:51,130
10445If you're elite at what you do,
10446
104472449
1044801:36:51,130 --> 01:36:52,530
10449you're in the top 5%.
10450
104512450
1045201:36:52,530 --> 01:36:53,930
10453That's who I want running shit,
10454
104552451
1045601:36:53,930 --> 01:36:56,633
10457not somebody who owned a beauty pageant.
10458
104592452
1046001:36:56,633 --> 01:36:59,404
10461(audience applauding)
10462(audience cheering)
10463
104642453
1046501:36:59,404 --> 01:37:01,070
10466Sorry.
10467
104682454
1046901:37:01,070 --> 01:37:03,250
10470Do you know why?
10471
104722455
1047301:37:03,250 --> 01:37:04,740
10474'Cause every man on the planet
10475
104762456
1047701:37:04,740 --> 01:37:07,313
10478when it comes to boobs
10479and butts is pretty elite,
10480
104812457
1048201:37:08,970 --> 01:37:11,820
10483but I wouldn't trust one of
10484you bitches with the economy.
10485
104862458
1048701:37:13,479 --> 01:37:15,290
10488-  Yeah!
10489
104902459
1049101:37:15,290 --> 01:37:16,970
10492- I don't like the confidently-stupid.
10493
104942460
1049501:37:16,970 --> 01:37:17,803
10496And do you know how hard it is
10497
104982461
1049901:37:17,803 --> 01:37:19,397
10500to be stupid and not know in 2018?
10501
105022462
1050301:37:19,397 --> 01:37:21,700
10504One time, it was being the smartest mammal
10505
105062463
1050701:37:21,700 --> 01:37:22,533
10508to walk the planet.
10509
105102464
1051101:37:22,533 --> 01:37:24,810
10512Every single one of us down
10513to the dumbest person in here
10514
105152465
1051601:37:24,810 --> 01:37:26,190
10517has one of these phones,
10518
105192466
1052001:37:26,190 --> 01:37:28,410
10521and in that phone, clickety-clack,
10522
105232467
1052401:37:28,410 --> 01:37:31,130
10525is every piece of information
10526
105272468
1052801:37:31,130 --> 01:37:33,250
10529from the beginning of recorded history,
10530
105312469
1053201:37:33,250 --> 01:37:36,493
10533and it's four inches from
10534your butt hole, all day long,
10535
105362470
1053701:37:37,770 --> 01:37:40,063
10538and you still found time to be a dumbass?
10539
105402471
1054101:37:41,260 --> 01:37:43,450
10542The gas pumps at the, have a screen
10543
105442472
1054501:37:43,450 --> 01:37:45,440
10546pumping new information
10547while you're pumping gas,
10548
105492473
1055001:37:45,440 --> 01:37:46,450
10551and you're still stupid?
10552
105532474
1055401:37:46,450 --> 01:37:47,500
10555How is that possible?
10556
105572475
1055801:37:50,270 --> 01:37:53,330
10559Stupid people must just get
10560home tired every day, you know?
10561
105622476
1056301:37:53,330 --> 01:37:55,250
10564'Cause it's so hard to be stupid now.
10565
105662477
1056701:37:55,250 --> 01:37:56,640
10568Your wife goes, what's the matter, hon?
10569
105702478
1057101:37:56,640 --> 01:37:57,780
10572Oh, babe, I'm so beat.
10573
105742479
1057501:37:57,780 --> 01:37:59,450
10576Today was rough, I had
10577to walk to the world
10578
105792480
1058001:37:59,450 --> 01:38:01,490
10581avoiding truth, and knowledge, and facts.
10582
105832481
1058401:38:01,490 --> 01:38:03,860
10585Oh, yeah. it was horrible.
10586
105872482
1058801:38:03,860 --> 01:38:05,530
10589Thank God you put that song on my iPod.
10590
105912483
1059201:38:05,530 --> 01:38:07,760
10593La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la.
10594
105952484
1059601:38:07,760 --> 01:38:08,593
10597That was great.
10598
105992485
1060001:38:08,593 --> 01:38:09,950
10601I just don't wanna think anymore, babe.
10602
106032486
1060401:38:09,950 --> 01:38:11,210
10605I just wanna turn my brain off.
10606
106072487
1060801:38:11,210 --> 01:38:13,223
10609Put on Fox News, please, put on Fox.
10610
106112488
1061201:38:14,542 --> 01:38:15,684
10613Please put on Fox News.
10614
106152489
1061601:38:15,684 --> 01:38:20,480
10617(audience applauding)
10618(audience whooping)
10619
106202490
1062101:38:20,480 --> 01:38:22,160
10622Quick fact for you people that thinkin'
10623
106242491
1062501:38:22,160 --> 01:38:24,530
10626this lib-tard snowflake,
10627thinking anything like that.
10628
106292492
1063001:38:24,530 --> 01:38:27,180
10631Fox News was proven,
10632after a fact check on 'em
10633
106342493
1063501:38:27,180 --> 01:38:29,163
10636to be 17% accurate.
10637
106382494
1063901:38:30,810 --> 01:38:32,990
10640CNN's only 73%, but 17?
10641
106422495
1064301:38:32,990 --> 01:38:34,097
10644Damn, I did better than that in school
10645
106462496
1064701:38:34,097 --> 01:38:35,931
10648and I got four Fs and a D.
10649
106502497
1065101:38:35,931 --> 01:38:38,374
10652(audience applauding)
10653
106542498
1065501:38:38,374 --> 01:38:40,830
10656(audience whistling)
10657
106582499
1065901:38:40,830 --> 01:38:43,970
10660Fox News is like the Tofurky of news
10661
106622500
1066301:38:45,610 --> 01:38:47,030
10664'cause it's not what it says it is,
10665
106662501
1066701:38:47,030 --> 01:38:48,500
10668but I like Fox for a lot of reasons,
10669
106702502
1067101:38:48,500 --> 01:38:50,660
10672'cause as a older gentleman, I know
10673
106742503
1067501:38:50,660 --> 01:38:52,198
10676where to get a comfortable catheter.
10677
106782504
1067901:38:52,198 --> 01:38:55,198
10680(audience laughing)
10681
106822505
1068301:38:56,300 --> 01:38:58,743
10684Don't need it yet, I'm
10685waiting for a coupon.
10686
106872506
1068801:39:01,040 --> 01:39:02,270
10689Do you guys know the
10690people I'm talking about,
10691
106922507
1069301:39:02,270 --> 01:39:04,030
10694the confidently stupid, that are just so,
10695
106962508
1069701:39:04,030 --> 01:39:05,330
10698like, they don't have any
10699facts but they're loud about it
10700
107012509
1070201:39:05,330 --> 01:39:07,160
10703so everyone just backs off?
10704
107052510
1070601:39:07,160 --> 01:39:08,580
10707Yeah, I know, I know.
10708
107092511
1071001:39:08,580 --> 01:39:12,490
1071198% of climatologists
10712say climate change exists
10713
107142512
1071501:39:12,490 --> 01:39:16,197
10716but 2% say it don't, so
10717that makes it inconclusive.
10718
107192513
1072001:39:16,197 --> 01:39:19,197
10721(audience laughing)
10722
107232514
1072401:39:20,606 --> 01:39:21,646
10725Okay.
10726
107272515
1072801:39:21,646 --> 01:39:25,478
10729So, if I'm 98% inside your girlfriend
10730
107312516
1073201:39:25,478 --> 01:39:27,741
10733(audience whooping)
10734
107352517
1073601:39:27,741 --> 01:39:30,908
10737(audience applauding)
10738
107392518
1074001:39:34,100 --> 01:39:39,100
10741is she cheating on you
10742or is it inconclusive?
10743
107442519
1074501:39:40,890 --> 01:39:43,853
10746Either way, I believe
10747you've been disenfranchised.
10748
107492520
1075001:39:43,853 --> 01:39:45,783
10751(audience applauding)
10752(audience cheering)
10753
107542521
1075501:39:45,783 --> 01:39:47,883
10756Thank you very much.
10757
107582522
1075901:39:47,883 --> 01:39:49,443
10760Thank you, very much.
10761
107622523
1076301:39:49,443 --> 01:39:50,663
10764Fix this bitch!
10765
107662524
1076701:39:50,663 --> 01:39:51,973
10768Fix this bitch!
10769
107702525
1077101:39:51,973 --> 01:39:53,234
10772-  Fix this bitch!
10773
107742526
1077501:39:53,234 --> 01:39:54,535
10776Fix this bitch!
10777
107782527
1077901:39:54,535 --> 01:39:55,863
10780Fix this bitch!
10781
107822528
1078301:39:55,863 --> 01:39:57,103
10784Fix this bitch!
10785
107862529
1078701:39:57,103 --> 01:39:58,791
10788- Goodnight, everybody,
10789thank you very much!
10790
107912530
1079201:39:58,791 --> 01:40:03,791
10793(rock version of "The
10794Star-Spangled Banner")
10795
107962531
1079701:40:05,469 --> 01:40:06,871
10798See you guys again!
10799
108002532
1080101:40:06,871 --> 01:40:08,119
10802Thank you, so much!
10803
108042533
1080501:40:08,119 --> 01:40:08,952
10806Goodnight.
10807
108082534
1080901:40:15,775 --> 01:40:16,608
10810Bye, guys.