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12/r/Anglicanism
13/u/thedovelamenting
1418/12/2017, 14:39:06
15it is also an extremely boring appointment. This seems to be something of a pattern these days, with the dullest, safest, and most managerialist pairs of hands getting promoted. Reading her blog is like wading through cookie-cutter Christian treacle.
16
17ok, sure, she won't rock the boat on her own initiative (though traditionalist catholics & conservative evangelicals won't be happy, and some of the latter may walk out altogether), but Welby is setting the C of E up for total disaster when he quits as +Cantuar in 2022 or thereabouts. The House of Bishops will lack any credible or effective leadership because everyone has been carefully selected for their absence of strong opinions. This sets the stage for complete takeover by whichever well-organized activist group has managed to get a majority in Synod
18/r/ModernMagic
19/u/thedovelamenting
2029/07/2017, 22:06:11
21here's a teachings list I've been working on: http://tappedout.net/mtg-decks/17-06-17-esper-teachings/
22
23it's roughly 50/50 vs e-tron, slightly favoured vs grixis shadow, about even vs Burn, slightly unfavoured vs affinity/fish, very good vs UW/jeskia, good vs Storm, but bad vs Death & Taxes, bad vs G/x Tron (esp G/B), & some random decks (turns is v bad I think, Lantern/Dredge almost unwinnable g1)
24/r/ModernMagic
25/u/thedovelamenting
2620/06/2017, 10:55:27
27I completely disagree this is you use Charm vs midrange Jund - if you Esper Charm them aggressively, quite often they are just going to be discarding cards they were never going to cast anyway, such as dead Abrupt Decays and Pushes. Just draw so you always have answers for their threats available, and you hit land drops so that Sphinx's Rev wins the game when you find it. 
28
29Similarly, if your opponent is stuck on land drops, Charming them isn't always the right play either. vs Burn it probably is, but again, vs a lot of decks you'll be making them discard cards they were never going to realistically cast anyway. 
30/r/ModernMagic
31/u/thedovelamenting
3220/06/2017, 10:49:39
33this is way too narrow IMO, and ignores the importance for control decks of hitting land drops in particular. 
34/r/ModernMagic
35/u/thedovelamenting
3620/06/2017, 10:47:20
37http://tappedout.net/mtg-decks/17-06-17-esper-teachings/
38
39Here's my current Esper list.
40
41Re Esper Charm, it's generally just draw 2 (vs aggro or almost any midrange deck). Versus combo (TitanShift, Ad Naus, Storm), it's generally discard 2 (and hope you draw Snapcaster). Spots do come up vs Affinity or (more rarely) Burn where you can get their last 2 cards, and you have good reason to think those are their best cards, but it's not common.
42
43vs other blue control decks, the first few Charms are generally draw 2s, to ensure you hit your land drops for the first 10 turns or so. Later on in the game it becomes a discard game to clear out their last few pieces of removal or countermagic so you can resolve a finisher.
44/r/ModernMagic
45/u/thedovelamenting
4618/06/2017, 16:26:23
47I think Cryptic is bad right now, or at least it is in very controlling decks where you almost never use the tap/draw mode offensively. All the major threats right now are so cheap that you rarely get to successfully counter anything. Either that, or they get accelerated out with Sol lands (Eldrazi). Into the Roil is a fine card, but not modern playable, and 4-mana fog + draw isn't very enticing either. If my Cryptic isn't going to be a Dismiss most of the time, I'd sooner do without. Teachings means that you're less worried about resolved threats cuz you can reliably have cheap removal to hand. 
48
49This deck also REALLY wants to run Calciform Pools, cuz it plays so well with helping you do mana-intensive things like flashback Teachings and or cast giant Revelations and Secure the Wastes, but Calciform Pools plays badly with Cryptic, especially when you also have basic Plains + Swamp + Godless Shrine in the deck. The X-Spells & Teachings are why the land count is so high (27, with 34 spells).  
50/r/ModernMagic
51/u/thedovelamenting
5217/06/2017, 18:08:00
53Affinity is probs slightly favoured, not amazing. There's 8 1-mana removal spells + 3 verdicts, + Spell Snare, but on the downside the lack of Ghost Quarters can make their manlands v annoying once you wrath the board. It gets better after sideboarding with EE & Fracturing Gust.
54
55Burn is pretty even (again it gets better after sideboard). Shadow is pretty even also (Jund Shadow I think is a good matchup, Grixis is much closer). Bant Eldrazi is rough but I think Eldrazi-Tron is ok. The really annoying matchups are decks like Ad Naus, Lantern, & the various Scape/Titan decks, where they attack on one very specific angle and if you don't draw the right cards you just lose. Teachings helps with that, & it does get better after game 1, but still
56
57
58
59/r/ModernMagic
60/u/thedovelamenting
6114/06/2017, 01:10:46
62Gifts/Rites is good when the metagame is defined by linear decks that are cold one or the other of the fatties. When Burn/Storm/Affinity - even Jund, to a degree - are good, Gifts/Rites is good, because the clunkiness of your deck is compensated for by the fact that sticking Iona or Elesh is lights-out, no questions asked.
63
64Blue tempo decks, however, have always been a massive pain in the backside for Gifts. Merfolk has always been a bad matchup & Grixis Shadow must be just horrendous. For that reason I can't really imagine trying to run it right now, let alone the problem of graveyard hate being popular in sideboards thanks to Dredge.
65/r/Anglicanism
66/u/thedovelamenting
6701/06/2017, 18:10:41
68again, the only text that has a proven track record of being truly "common prayer" is the 1662 BCP! Why the need for anything else? 
69/r/ModernMagic
70/u/thedovelamenting
7116/03/2017, 00:38:44
72I would have thought you'd be fairly safe - GiftsStorm is v good IMO but nowhere near bannable since people can interact with it on so many different axes.
73
74Also there's no modern Pro Tour any more, so we don't need any "shake-up" bans and WoTC don't have to confront the nightmare scenario of Finkel winning with it on camera for round after round...
75/r/ModernMagic
76/u/thedovelamenting
7715/03/2017, 13:43:38
78Anticipate bad (Think Twice good), Remand bad in current meta (Spell Snare better), I like the 3rd Verdict more than the Elspeth (but that's a lot more subjective). 
79
80You say 4 Think Twice isn't viable in current fast meta; wrong - 4 Think Twice is necessary - the rest of your deck does need to be lower to the ground than this though.
81
82I'm currently on the 1-of Steam Vents (with 9 fetches, all of which find it) + 3 Crumbles plan. This also allows for a sideboard Izzet Staticaster. I think it's quite good but I don't have a huge sample size for it. This plan may also help out with the Valakut decks. I think this plan is better than Stony Silence - your Affinity matchup should be good enough already.
83
84Your sideboard in general seems a little unfocused - why Lingering Souls? Why not more Dispel for combo + control + Burn matchups?
85/r/ModernMagic
86/u/thedovelamenting
8719/02/2017, 17:09:07
88huh, how odd. Here's my list 
89
90*1x Mystical Teachings
91
92*2x Torrential Gearhulk
93
94*2x Supreme Verdict
95
96*4x Cryptic Command
97
98*4x Esper Charm
99
100*3x Think Twice
101
102*1x Spell Snare
103
104*2x Path to Exile
105
106*4x Fatal Push
107
108*1x Logic Knot
109
110*1x Remand
111
112*2x Countersquall
113
114*3x Snapcaster Mage
115
116*1x Vendilion Clique
117
118*1x Engineered Explosives
119
120*2x Blessed Alliance
121
122*4 Flooded Strand
123
124*4 Polluted Delta
125
126*1 Bloodstained Mire
127
128*3 Creeping Tar Pit
129
130*1 Celestial Colonnade
131
132*2 Hallowed Fountain
133
134*2 Watery Grave
135
136*1 Godless Shrine
137
138*1 Steam Vents
139
140*3 Island
141
142*1 Plains
143
144*1 Swamp
145
146*1 Mystic Gate
147
148*1 Sunken Ruins
149
150*3x Dispel
151
152*2x Ashiok, Nightmare Weaver
153
154*3x Crumble to Dust
155
156*1x Teferi, Mage of Zhalfir
157
158*1x Izzet Staticaster
159
160*1x Celestial Purge
161
162*1x Detention Sphere
163
164*1x Engineered Explosives
165
166*2x Ravenous Trap
167/r/ModernMagic
168/u/thedovelamenting
16918/02/2017, 22:19:59
170yeah, Counterflux is a decent idea! I'd thought about it; will give it a go maybe.
171
172In Jeskai, the burn you draw can just go to the face vs combo - Esper is a fair bit slower at killing. The price you pay for being able to kill high-toughness dudes more reliably! 
173/r/ModernMagic
174/u/thedovelamenting
17518/02/2017, 22:01:30
176those are quite good matchups, so long as you are disciplined in your mulligans & don't keep hands with no cheap interaction. Burn used to be pretty bad in older iterations of this deck, but now Fatal Push and Blessed Alliance makes it pretty decent. Verdict & Explosives are both excellent vs Affinity, to go with the spot removal.
177
178The bad matchups tend to be spell-based combo decks, even the slower ones like Ad Naus. Your removal is dead & they can usually work through your counters, given enough time. 
179/r/ModernMagic
180/u/thedovelamenting
18118/02/2017, 17:16:24
182if this deck starts to put up serious numbers over a decent period of time, it will absolutely 100% get nerfed. Either Simian Spirit Guide or Goryo's Vengeance will go, or both. To be honest I'm slightly surprised that the former isn't banned already.
183/r/ModernMagic
184/u/thedovelamenting
18520/12/2016, 12:40:46
186Always liked this one:
187
188UW
189
190Counter target noncreature spell. You gain 2 life. 
191/r/ModernMagic
192/u/thedovelamenting
19329/11/2016, 17:02:51
194I actually agree with OP. I wouldn't play this build of Jeskai but I'd much rather play this than Nahiri. She doesn't have many good results recently & ultimately I think is just too clunky & expensive at 4 mana for a format this fast right now. Thopter/Sword doesn't demand that you tap out nearly so often.
195/r/ModernMagic
196/u/thedovelamenting
19729/11/2016, 16:44:06
198I'd probably swap the numbers on Ancestral/Serum Visions. Muddle the Mixture is cute and fun but probably not very good. 
199/r/ModernMagic
200/u/thedovelamenting
20129/11/2016, 14:10:59
202I think both Burkhart's Grixis list & that Jeskai deck that also made top 8 of GP Dallas are good starting points. Cryptic Command is good. So is Torrential Gearhulk (in Jeskai, anyway), with lots of cheap interaction to flash back. Nahiri isn't well positioned right now IMO. 
203
204(edit; more than a specific colour combination, though, the biggest thing is just to know all the matchups inside out, have a plan for all of them, and get really really good with the archetype and the unique demands Modern places on it)
205/r/ModernMagic
206/u/thedovelamenting
20724/11/2016, 21:35:35
208Baleful Strix would be great for Modern and fine for almost all standard formats. 
209
210Shardless is a bit more marginal but fundamentally I think it would be fine. 
211/r/ModernMagic
212/u/thedovelamenting
21324/11/2016, 11:59:08
214Can you manage Spell Snares? That's the clearest addition to the counter suite. Anything up to 4 is good.
215
216You do need to play 4 Think Twice - you won't be able to grind people out well enough without that card advantage. Anticipate doesn't cut the mustard. Consider also 1 copy of Mystical Teachings or perhaps Blue Sun's Zenith. Forbidden Alchemy and Monastery Siege (which doubles as Burn hate) are also good.
217
218re the manabase I would try to incorporate some number of Radiant Fountains (again for the Burn matchup), Ghost Quarters, and Temples of Deceit. 
219
220Languish is a reasonable budger sweeper (Damnation is expensive!) but I would also add some copies of Black Sun's Zenith, and perhaps 1 Consume the Meek (which kills manlands and can be fetched with Teachings). I also recommend 2 copies of Ratchet Bomb in the sideboard for those tricky noncreature permanents that UB can struggle with. Flaying Tendrils is also great in the sideboard for the tribal/Company matchups. Curse of Death's Hold is another excellent sideboard option.
221
222Quickling is just bad. Vampire Nighthawk is fine in the sideboard for Burn, but shouldn't be maindecked. 
223
224Logic Knot is very good, but does need either fetches or a lot of 1-mana cantrips to reliably work in the early game (Serum Visions + Thought Scour). You need some Dispels in the sideboard. Void Shatter is not playable. Rune Snag is good. Negate is also very maindeckable as a 2-of in Modern these days, especially if you play enough sweepers. 
225
2261 Smother is fine but 3 is too many. Once upon a time Smother was amazing in modern, but that was in the days before Siege Rhino, Tasigur, and Angler. I do recommend at least 1 Hero's Downfall (again, a nice Teachings target). 2 Disfigure is essential in format as fast as modern. You can afford to play the full playset of Dismember - only the first 2 will cost you life in a typical game, and you can make that back up with Radiant Fountains. 
227
228re finishers, if your budget stretches to Torrential Gearhulks, I'd go for 2 (also fetchable by Teachings). Better than Grave Titan overall I'd say.
229/r/spikes
230/u/thedovelamenting
23123/10/2016, 14:19:32
232yeah I think Gearhulk is amazing, though I wouldn't play it in a deck with Ancestral Vision. I'm trying it in Esper Teachings with promising results. Here's where I've got to (sideboarding guide still under development) https://docs.google.com/document/d/18MriXlz3Rwlu-BEyyd1__C5mgIvWDBhPNe-69ZZfW_A/edit?usp=sharing
233/r/spikes
234/u/thedovelamenting
23509/10/2016, 17:36:28
236or play a Colonnade...AV is great, but it doesn't play nice with manlands.
237/r/ModernMagic
238/u/thedovelamenting
23919/02/2016, 10:32:58
240yeah, it would make those matchups a bit worse. I don't see it being catastrophic though. You still have the best cantrip in the format and could just jam a Kozilek, the Great Distortion or two in the 75 - some raw card draw to replace the tutoring. 
241/r/politics
242/u/thedovelamenting
24318/02/2016, 16:58:09
244I didn't have the space to talk about it properly, but it does fascinate me how terrible Jeb is at this basic retail politics stuff (like positive relaxed body language), when he comes from a family of career politicians! Dubya was pretty good at that! Surely Jeb must have access to the same body language & voice coaches, image consultants, media people, blah blah? And yet none of it seems to matter - he's just dreadful. 
245/r/politics
246/u/thedovelamenting
24718/02/2016, 15:51:36
248physical aggression is a highly sex-typed trait (men much more prone to it than women), though if you include indirect verbal non-violent aggression I agree the picture gets a bit more ambiguous. 
249
250confidence/self-esteem is also somewhat sex-differentiated, with men tending towards higher self-esteem than women. Obviously the confidence part of this varies by domain - women are more likely to be confident than men in domains where female expertise is the norm. It's not a particularly big difference.
251
252http://www.rcgd.isr.umich.edu/garp/articles/eccles02.pdf
253
254that said, I think for the sake of convenience I don't mind rolling together correlated sex-typed traits into global masculinity/femininity constructs, even if you do lose out on some nuance that way. 
255/r/ModernMagic
256/u/thedovelamenting
25724/11/2015, 13:08:10
258no it doesn't...
259/r/ModernMagic
260/u/thedovelamenting
26117/11/2015, 00:37:45
262list of dumb suggestions:
263
264Victim of Night is super rough on any possible manabase, as well not killing Zombie Fish
265
266Go for the Throat is really bad versus the number 1 deck in the format, nice try though
267
268Slaughter Pact is just bad period when you never want to tap out on your own turn unless necessary (cut is at least a bit more reasonable but not a good anti-aggro card)
269
270Wafo played 4 Think Twice & 2 Shadow main back in Pod era a few years back in his Esper deck; sure that was in Pod era, but then again he didn't have Shadow-Ghost Quarter combo. Chapin played maindeck Shadow in the Grixis control list he innovated. The card is fine & better with lots of Ghost Quarters.
271
272Try to think why you might not want to put targeted discard in a durdly control deck. Is it the same reason the discard always gets boarded out in Jund mirrors? 
273
274Affinity is a solid 50/50; spell snare hits all their relevant cards & Damnation sweeps up nicely. You can't stumble though. Burn is worse but hey, you have to lose to something. It would be pretty easy to make it good vs Zoo (add some more cheap removal), but that's a meta call
275
276I don't mind criticism & some of the points about Leak/Remand in an aggro meta are reasonable & there are certainly metas in which fewer than 4 Cryptics would be correct, but some of these suggestions are just not thought through (go for the throat, seriously?)
277/r/ModernMagic
278/u/thedovelamenting
27917/11/2015, 00:23:05
280I think Blue Sun's Zenith will usually win you those games anyway, and plus there probably aren't enough other control decks running around. I love the idea though.
281/r/ModernMagic
282/u/thedovelamenting
28317/11/2015, 00:22:15
284UWR control normally plays a Sphinx's Rev or two and 2/3 Wrath effects - these are just the similar options available in these colour combinations. Nothing unusual compared to other control lists out there! 
285
286Forbidden Alchemy is solid, not spectacular. It grinds amazingly well in the grindy games and is pretty good at stopping you drawing the wrong half of your deck.
287
288I have no idea what you're talking about with fetchlands. My library is already randomized, how is shuffling supposed to stop me drawing badly?? Deck thinning is not worth the life loss. Jund and Junk both play powerful threats to close the games out quickly (Goyf, Tasigur, Rhino, Scooze) - this deck does not and consequently cannot afford to lose a bunch of life to its own manabase.
289/r/ModernMagic
290/u/thedovelamenting
29117/11/2015, 00:18:48
292one extra mana is a lot versus Burn & Merfolk (who pack Spell Pierce).
293/r/ModernMagic
294/u/thedovelamenting
29516/11/2015, 21:27:55
296well, you'd be wrong about the fetches. Just wrong. Painless mana is the best. Why do you even want fetches + shocks? It's not as though they actually improve the quality of the manabase; they just make you a lot worse against any deck with Lightning Bolt, slightly better against Blood Moon, and much softer to Choke/Boil. 
297
298(edit: I tried fetches/shocks for weeks, they were awful, Watery Grave was the worst card in the deck by a mile)
299
300If your meta is all Wild Nacatl/Burn then sure play Leak over Remand, but if it's got a lot of BGx, Twin, & other grindy decks, stick with Remand. It never goes dead (which is huge) & buys you time to make your land drops & get your card draw engines online, which is your game plan that you want to assemble. Even vs straightforward non-Fish creature aggro Remand isn't horrible; you just want to slow them down & cantrip into Damnation (though it is the worst vs Burn). 
301/r/ModernMagic
302/u/thedovelamenting
30316/11/2015, 21:05:43
304did you not read all the stuff about how painless mana is so awesome? Seriously now. Btw the only guy who ever wins with UB Fae also plays painless mana, there's a reason for this! In long games tiny percentages matter even more.
305
306Mana Leak is definitely a lot worse than Remand. You're trying to play this super grindy game & Mana Leak just goes dead eventually. Remand at least you can always cantrip with. I did talk about this!
307
308Liliana is ok, not amazing. If she eats a creature & a bolt that's fine by me. Honestly she is more just a sorcery-speed edict with upside than an actual integral part of the gameplan (that's why there's 1, not 4). Plus a hedge vs Bogle is nice. 
309
310Dispel over the 4th Snare is reasonable, just a meta call I think. 
311/r/ModernMagic
312/u/thedovelamenting
31316/11/2015, 20:12:46
314A reasonable plan is a clock plus mana disruption: Goyf or Scooze followed up by Choke & Fulminators/Molten Rain. Honestly though it's probably just a bad matchup.
315/r/ModernMagic
316/u/thedovelamenting
31709/11/2015, 01:55:35
318yeah, my one was Bounding Krasis. I thought it had a great shout of seeing play in TarmoTwin and almost nobody believed me. Unsurprisingly, it's become pretty standard.
319/r/ModernMagic
320/u/thedovelamenting
32109/11/2015, 01:08:54
322Spreading Seas is pretty solid vs Jund, Abzan, & Infect as well as Tron. 
323/r/ModernMagic
324/u/thedovelamenting
32507/11/2015, 18:18:22
326no Dispels anywhere in your 75? Can't say I'm a huge fan of Narset either - I'd imagine there are better ways to draw cards. 
327/r/ModernMagic
328/u/thedovelamenting
32904/11/2015, 12:17:53
330See the modern super league vids on youtube
331/r/ModernMagic
332/u/thedovelamenting
33304/11/2015, 00:24:30
334metagame matters, but honestly I don't think the tiny percentage associated with "playstyle" is worth nearly as much as people think it is. Just play the best 75 for a given event, assuming you can play it reasonably competently. If you want to play TarmoTwin, just play a good version of TarmoTwin; don't try to play combo Tarmotwin no matter what your "playstyle" is, it's just bad
335/r/ModernMagic
336/u/thedovelamenting
33703/11/2015, 19:40:48
338yeah but Dickmann isn't just any prominent player, he is the world-leading TarmoTwin specialist and probably has an order of magnitude more hours with the deck than most people who will comment on this thread put together. Barring local metagame considerations I would mostly just do what he does. 
339/r/ModernMagic
340/u/thedovelamenting
34103/11/2015, 17:39:02
342if you think you can build a better TarmoTwin list than Dickmann, you are almost certainly wrong (no offence intended).
343/r/ModernMagic
344/u/thedovelamenting
34503/11/2015, 17:35:34
346with 7/8 fetchlands and some other cheap interaction, Logic Knot already basically is Counterspell, with the restriction that you can only play 2 and it limits your ability to play other Delve cards. Honestly just straight up Counterspell would be totally fine. It doesn't really solve any of the big problems control decks have. 
347/r/ModernMagic
348/u/thedovelamenting
34903/11/2015, 17:33:21
350that is ridiculously overrating the power level of Counterspell and underrating the power level of Modern today.
351/r/ModernMagic
352/u/thedovelamenting
35303/11/2015, 16:52:25
354if you're going to splash green, why no Farseek? That was how the Bant control deck in Ravnica standard used to work. Farseek into turn 3 Verdict into turn 4 Thragtusk (who should be at least a sideboard consideration). 
355/r/ModernMagic
356/u/thedovelamenting
35701/11/2015, 14:05:06
358I just don't think it's going to do enough that mass removal doesn't. Even the decks you think it would lock out (Merfolk, Elves) could well have good outs to it (Mutavault, Shaman of the Pack). 
359/r/ModernMagic
360/u/thedovelamenting
36129/10/2015, 23:47:05
362Also welding jar out of Affinity. And of course there's always that random guy who's still playing sideboard Thrun anyway. WoG is still pretty solid.
363/r/ModernMagic
364/u/thedovelamenting
36529/10/2015, 19:16:53
366some percentage of the time you paid 4 mana for a 2/2 and a probable fog. It's not the best rate if you don't actually untap with Gideon. Rhino gets you a huge trampling body with a helix attached, and if they want to kill it, it always costs them a card (more valuable than a combat phase usually). 
367
368That said, versus a control deck, you would nearly always want Gideon over Rhino - Gideon is very tough for them to deal with whereas the control deck often doesn't care about the Helix unless they're on 3 life, or below. Gideon over Rhino basically comes down to whether you're the beatdown or the control deck - Gideon is in some ways a better beatdown card because the power gets spread over multiple bodies, whereas Rhino is a much better control card because he's much better at catching you up from being behind on board. As Junk in Modern, however, you usually are the control deck. 
369/r/ModernMagic
370/u/thedovelamenting
37129/10/2015, 16:23:18
372yes absolutely, though it would be a lot better than Countersquall! It's pretty pushed as far as counters go these days but still wouldn't break standard or anything. 
373/r/ModernMagic
374/u/thedovelamenting
37529/10/2015, 14:43:01
376does this trick with Cryptic versus Liliana actually work any more? Feels like Jund pilots all know about it by now and play around it if they possibly can. 
377/r/ModernMagic
378/u/thedovelamenting
37929/10/2015, 14:20:29
380yeah maindeck Keranos & 2 Revelations are going to be pretty solid versus Jund. Supreme Verdict isn't at all bad either. 
381
382This maindeck pretty close to what I'd play if I were going to play UWR to be honest. Perhaps I'd swap the Mana Leaks out for 2x Logic Knot - you have enough fetches to make it work, and Knot doesn't go dead in the late game - and the 3rd Remand or Spell Snare.
383
384The 5th Cryptic Command that you appear to be playing in the sideboard is I assume just a mistake ;)
385
386More generally the sideboard seems a little bit unfocused - do you really need 6 wraths in the 75 between Verdict, Wrath, Pyroclasm, & Anger? I don't think killing creatures is really your problem in UWR, particularly not with your set up. This sideboard feels more like a collection of solid cards in Jeskai colours, not a focused plan to beat the dodgy matchups. I'd definitely like to see a few Dispels in your board since it has applications in a ton of matchups. 
387
388/r/ModernMagic
389/u/thedovelamenting
39029/10/2015, 10:54:20
391did you actually read my comment? I specifically said that Rhino was better than Gideon...
392/r/ModernMagic
393/u/thedovelamenting
39429/10/2015, 10:18:57
395I think Rhino is substantially better than Gideon most of the time, but if you were playing something like a one-of Sorin, Solemn Visitor or Elspeth KE, I'd imagine that Gideon could well be an upgrade, just because he's such a powerful threat.
396/r/ModernMagic
397/u/thedovelamenting
39829/10/2015, 00:39:59
399the card I really want to see this :
400
401UW - Negate - gain 2 life. Don't think it would be amazing or anything but a deck like UW or Esper would definitely like a few copies in the 75. 
402/r/ModernMagic
403/u/thedovelamenting
40426/10/2015, 15:54:56
405agreed. I almost wonder if in the UWR tempo deck Mantis Rider might not be better. You could play Lightning Angel as well, plus a ton of burn and a light sprinkling of permission + removal.
406/r/ModernMagic
407/u/thedovelamenting
40826/10/2015, 15:39:46
409Geist is just a bit of an awkward card in Modern between bigger cheaper creatures & the format's best planeswalker being an edict on a stick. Turn 3 can be a bit of an awkward time to tap out vs the combo decks also. This is much less of an issue if you already have a few threats bashing away and are just treating Geist as a 4-damage burn spell with some upside (as in 5-colour Zoo), but in a deck where he's the primary threat, it presents more problems. 
410/r/ModernMagic
411/u/thedovelamenting
41226/10/2015, 14:46:32
413Trinket Mage is pretty bad I think. Tezzeret is already a powerful tutoring engine, Trinket Mage costs so much mana for a very underwhelming body. If you want to play a bunch of Hangarbacks, just cut the Trinket Mages and play 4x Hangarback. 
414
415As someone else mentioned, Thirst for Knowledge is an obvious replacement for Esper Charm. Liliana of the Veil is also probably worth a couple slots.
416
417is white necessarily the best splash for a Tezzeret deck? Red offers Galvanic Blast and more cheap sweepers (Pyroclasm), plus some sexy options like Pia & Kiran Nalaar. Even playing straight UB offers you the combo of Tezz + Inkmoth Nexus, plus perhaps some smoother pain-free mana (River of Tears). Green gives you life-gain (Feed the Clan) and maybe Goyf also (speculating here). 
418/r/ModernMagic
419/u/thedovelamenting
42022/10/2015, 20:52:22
421mono-black isn't very good. 8-rack is OK I guess but if you want to play that kind of weird strategy Lantern is probably just better. 
422
423BR just isn't as strong a colour combination as BG because Tarmogoyf is just that good. You can get Bolt anyway as a splash in your BGx deck. BG picks up so much by splashing; the best removal spell (Bolt) plus an amazing manland (Ravine) or Rhino and some amazing sideboard options. 
424
425Faeries gets wrecked by Zoo & Affinity and nastily hosed by Blood Moon. UB Control needs something like Ancestral Vision. Also the finishers in UB completely suck. Creeping Tar Pit is probably the best way available to kill people, no jokes. If you want to play a control deck, why not play a control deck with a one-card wincon (Scapeshift?) (ok, yes, I know I play UB control myself, but still...)
426
427You basically explained yourself why WR and GR aren't very good on their own. 
428
429Mardu midrange is again just a midrange deck that doesn't play Tarmogoyf. BW Tokens is a reasonable deck but it doesn't really benefit from a painful red splash. 
430
431Sultai isn't crazy but I'm not sure blue really helps out the BGx shell very much. Cryptic Command isn't at all what the Thoughtseize/Goyf/Lili deck wants to be doing, and while Serum Visions is great, actually killing people with Bolt and K-Command is just better. 
432/r/ModernMagic
433/u/thedovelamenting
43422/10/2015, 12:14:24
435http://tappedout.net/mtg-decks/03-09-15-aIp-ub-control/ - my latest edition of UB Control - will run it at FNMs and GPTs for a while. The Devour Flesh could become another Liliana at some point, I think. Pretty happy with most of the numbers. The Ghost Quarter-Shadow of Doubt interaction is awesome and makes Shadow actually worth playing. Dragonlord Silumgar looks silly & is usually a little bit worse than Grave Titan vs the fair decks but he does so much work vs Tron. A painless manabase adds quite a bit of percentage vs the fair decks at the cost of some softness to Blood Moon (part of the reason for the sideboarded Ratchet Bombs). Then again, so few Islands means Choke is pretty irrelevant.
436/r/ModernMagic
437/u/thedovelamenting
43822/10/2015, 01:03:00
439there could/should definitely be a sticky thread for the "can I play X without the right fetches" questions, particularly since the answer is nearly always "yes, but it will cost you a few percentage points, especially in some matchups, and over a long event that adds up"
440/r/ModernMagic
441/u/thedovelamenting
44221/10/2015, 22:41:41
443looks like fun. I don't really like Venser or Aetherling very much. Venser is a bit mopey and while Aetherling is a really expensive unkillable wincon, you aren't exactly running short of wincons. Gideon Jura is probably just better. Good against (some) combo, good on an empty board, good against aggro/midrange. Is there room for 3-4 Ghost Quarter in the manabase of this type of deck? Really helps vs Tron/Amulet/Infect, and is a solid target for Sun Titan
444/r/ModernMagic
445/u/thedovelamenting
44621/10/2015, 22:03:07
447well done, bot
448/r/ModernMagic
449/u/thedovelamenting
45021/10/2015, 21:50:21
451Ancestral Vision and Sword of the Meek are maybe really the only obvious shouts. I don't think Sword combo is very good since there's a lot of maindeck removal nowadays that disrupts it and we don't even have very good tutors for the pieces. But it might make some kind of Esper Tezzeret/Thirst for Knowledge deck Tier 1.5, which would be pretty cool. 
452
453Ancestral is pretty slow and not very good if not suspended on turn 1. Also with Bloodbraid banned you can't cascade into it. But it would give a bunch of blue decks a pretty decent tool to outgrind BGx. Might make Faeries into more of a thing? Or a genuine control deck? I think either Ancestral or possibly Jace TMS is OK, but probably not both at once. Jace would also need another reprint in some popular product somewhere, somehow, to prevent him becoming a $500 card overnight. But I don't think he's actually too powerful for Modern as it exists today (assuming that on his own he doesn't break all the Miracles)
454
455(edit: mods can we please have a stickied bannings/unbannings discussion to contain all this)
456/r/ModernMagic
457/u/thedovelamenting
45821/10/2015, 21:27:21
459three options:
460
4611) get a second job
4622) eat less
4633) win less and have less fun
464
465Your call. 
466
467Oh also, you could sideboard into 4 Exarchs, 4 Twins. People would board out all their creature removal and board in all their artifact hate after game 1 and then suddenly they get Twinned to death. It would be hilarious.
468/r/ModernMagic
469/u/thedovelamenting
47021/10/2015, 21:12:21
471Just play straight UR for Runeflare Trap and Time Warp, don't mess around with these terrible black cards if you want to kill people by making them draw cards
472
473try this:
474*4 Lightning Bolt
475
476*4 Serum Visions
477
478*4 Vapor Snag
479
480*4 Remand
481
482*4 Runeflare Trap
483
484*4 Howling Mine
485
486*4 Temple Bell
487
488*4 Ebony Owl Thingy
489
490*4 Time Warp
491
492*2 Jace Beleren
493
49422 lands, 4 Scalding Tarn, 2 Steam Vents, 3-4 Ghost Quarter, 2x Temple of Epiphany, many many Islands and Mountains, sideboard 3x Blood Moon plus a bunch of other stuff
495
496(edit: the Jace Belerens should maybe be Cryptic Commands or Snapcaster Mages, IDK)
497
498(edit edit: in fact they should definitely just be Snapcasters)
499/r/ModernMagic
500/u/thedovelamenting
50121/10/2015, 18:01:05
502yeah I don't claim to have precise numbers on all of Tron's matchups, but Scapeshift is definitely one of the more unfavourable ones. 
503/r/ModernMagic
504/u/thedovelamenting
50521/10/2015, 15:52:34
506I can't imagine a standard environment where Counterspell isn't insane that isn't also extremely miserable. I guess you could promote blazing fast aggro or combo, but that seems pretty rubbish. In the more midrangey games that people actually enjoy and that they design for these days, Counterspell would be excellent. 
507/r/ModernMagic
508/u/thedovelamenting
50921/10/2015, 13:49:56
510look, I know whatever dies grows the Tarmogoyf, but don't feed yourself to the Goyf by playing Tarfire. That's not how it works. 
511/r/ModernMagic
512/u/thedovelamenting
51321/10/2015, 13:37:51
514the problem on relying on Unburial anything vs Tron is Relic of Progenitus
515/r/ModernMagic
516/u/thedovelamenting
51721/10/2015, 13:30:27
518post your list? 
519
520Condemn is pretty good, but it does suffer A LOT vs Twin and probably Amulet as well. There are also other spots where you want to kill their Bob or Young Pyromancer but they won't attack because they're scared of Snapcaster. Spellskite can cause similar problems. Vs Infect you mostly want to kill their dude on their turn, & Condemn doesn't do that either. 
521/r/ModernMagic
522/u/thedovelamenting
52321/10/2015, 11:58:02
524don't worry about being predictable with mono-green Tron, no one plays it! I'd probably recommend a playset of Overgrown Battlements (don't play rubbish like Staff of Nin), and maybe also some Plow Unders and Tooth and Nails to ramp into. 
525/r/ModernMagic
526/u/thedovelamenting
52721/10/2015, 11:54:12
528Tron is pretty solid, albeit you have to have a good temperament and take the rough with the smooth. It's one of Modern's 80/20 decks (that is, you have a lot of 80/20 matchups in both directions). It can make for some very swingy tournament experiences. Sometimes you sit down and play BGx all day and feel like a god, others you sit down and get crushed by Affinity, Infect, Twin, Scapeshift. I quite like 2/3 maindeck Spellskites since that makes your Twin and Infect matchups a lot better, but it does cost you vs the aggro decks. It isn't insanely complicated and bails you out fairly well even if you do misplay, but is 100% a deck that rewards lots of reps. 
529/r/ModernMagic
530/u/thedovelamenting
53121/10/2015, 11:45:04
532the problem for Esper control is that it's so tough to bat even against the field. You can't beat midrange, aggro, and combo all at once - particularly not when a bunch of the combo decks operate off an axis (their lands) you aren't prepared to interact with at all (GR Tron, Amulet). Even to beat midrange and aggro at once is tough. Sure, you need removal to beat both, but beating GBx requires you to put all these Think Twices and Revelations in your deck, whereas those cards are pretty grim vs the aggro decks. Sure, you could play tap-out control, but then your combo matchup gets completely horrible, even against creature-based combos like Twin or Infect. Another problem is the lack of good one-mana removal. Path to Exile is not Swords to Plowshares. In a deck focused around running your opponent out of resources, Path just gives them more. If your opponent plays T2 Bob or Young Pyromancer on the play - or even on the draw - and you have Path as your answer, what are you going to do? Letting them get ahead on mana is just so grim, plus it makes all your Mana Leaks/Remands/Logic Knots quite considerably worse. And in a 3-colour deck with a fetch/shock manabase you can't really afford Dismember, so your best alternative is probably Disfigure (yuck). Maybe what the deck needs is an instant-speed version of Oust. Some instant-speed card selection wouldn't go amiss either, just to stop you drawing the wrong half of your deck in the various matchups (Opt, please?). And maybe a draw-2 at instant speed that isn't so rough on the mana as Esper Charm - that way maybe you could afford a few Ghost Quarters to help fight the land-based big mana decks.
533
534I love Esper and have played it a bunch, but yeah, it has some holes. Interestingly I don't think many of those relate to the lack of good countermagic - yeah Counterspell would be nice but the deck would still have a ton of problems. 
535/r/ModernMagic
536/u/thedovelamenting
53721/10/2015, 11:30:51
538I don't know if Counterspell is a pipe dream, if WoTC ever figure out a way of putting cards into Modern without them being standard-legal. I don't think it would be too good at all. 
539/r/ModernMagic
540/u/thedovelamenting
54121/10/2015, 11:16:51
542it's not THAT good. It saw play in Legacy once upon a time, but not seriously for years. Even then it wasn't particularly amazing, and in Legacy you have Enlightened Tutor to search for the missing piece. Yeah it trumps a creature deck pretty well, and yeah it can go infinite with Time Sieve or whatever, but honestly I don't think those are big reasons to be scared.
543/r/ModernMagic
544/u/thedovelamenting
54521/10/2015, 01:08:08
546if you want to play Underworld Dreams then just jam some Gray Merchants, Bloodghast, Nyxthos maybe, Phyrexian Obliterator for sure. Black devotion seems much better than trying to make your opponent draw cards (not usually a winning strategy)
547/r/ModernMagic
548/u/thedovelamenting
54920/10/2015, 15:34:06
550fair, but that's so slow, as is the Thopter/Sword combo, and Modern is pretty quick
551/r/ModernMagic
552/u/thedovelamenting
55320/10/2015, 14:39:04
554the deck is pretty stupid, but it's also very beatable. Your friends just need to try harder at adapting. That said, if the deck puts up a run of GP Top 8s/wins, I would be worried. This is not a deck that Wizards wants as the face of the format, and what's kept it off the chopping block to date is probably just the lack of consistent tournament results and low metagame percentage as much as anything else.
555/r/ModernMagic
556/u/thedovelamenting
55720/10/2015, 14:33:16
558if amulet or goryo's were going to get chopped, it probably would have happened by now. I could see Simian Spirit Guide going at some point in the future, since all it does is enable degeneracy, and could easily be part of a really dominant combo deck. But that hasn't happened. Personally I'm more surprised that we haven't seen unbannings; Ancestral Vision and Sword of the Meek look like the two most likely candidates IMO. I don't even see Sword of the Meek seeing much play, since between Kolaghan's Command and Abrupt Decay there are so many ways to kill a Thopter Foundry. But maybe they're saving unbannings as a bone to throw us for when they actually do have to make more bannings.
559/r/ModernMagic
560/u/thedovelamenting
56120/10/2015, 14:03:47
562how about -4 Remand, -1 Clique, + 1 Anger, + 1 Rough/Tumble, +1 Lavamancer, +1 Roast, +1 Jace? I've found Jace to be quite reasonable vs Fish if you kill the Lords. Not amazing, but ok. 
563/r/ModernMagic
564/u/thedovelamenting
56520/10/2015, 13:23:59
566is Grudge worth it vs Merfolk? They only have 4 targets, and maybe not even that many after sideboarding. I would imagine it's going to be dead a reasonable percentage of the time. 
567/r/ModernMagic
568/u/thedovelamenting
56920/10/2015, 12:04:31
570is Lili bad vs Junk? Obviously she doesn't matchup well vs Souls but seems pretty decent vs the rest of their deck
571/r/ModernMagic
572/u/thedovelamenting
57320/10/2015, 11:21:01
574back in the day, Juggernaut used to be a thing in Vintage Shops. Partly because it was just a reasonably sized beater, but also because if you got Slaverlocked, your Juggernaut would kill them anyway
575/r/ModernMagic
576/u/thedovelamenting
57720/10/2015, 11:19:35
578I'm also playing UB control with Tar Pits, Teferi, and Dragonlord Silumgar (don't laugh) as wincons http://tappedout.net/mtg-decks/03-09-15-aIp-ub-control/
579
580(I'm surprised no one has mentioned Teferi - he is excellent vs most blue decks, particularly UR Twin, and is fantastic vs some other archetypes. A resolved Teferi is really tough on Infect, and Living End can't go off at all)
581/r/EDH
582/u/thedovelamenting
58313/10/2015, 10:28:09
584Narset. You would want Mystical Tutor, but that's it, and I play Duel Commander and Mystical is banned in that format anyway. The deck functions perfectly fine anyway. Enlightened Tutor is bad since the optimal Narset build is nearly all instants, sorceries, and planeswalkers. For consistency, just play a ton of cantrips and card draw: Ponder, Preordain, Brainstorm, Sleight of Hand, Serum Visions, Remand, Fact or Fiction, Jace the Mind Sculptor, Dack Fayden, Thought Scour, Mental Note, Treasure Cruise, Dig Through Time - you get the idea. 
585/r/spikes
586/u/thedovelamenting
58709/10/2015, 15:46:18
588watching the vids it seems like Spellstutter Sprite spends a lot of time in your hand sitting around doing nothing with no targets. It's also such a mopey clock unless you find Scion (which itself is a pretty mediocre card on its own). Maybe you really do need Bitterblossom, despite the obvious downsides.
589/r/ModernMagic
590/u/thedovelamenting
59107/10/2015, 20:52:03
592Reinforcements is also pretty good versus Jund in my experience. Brickwalls Goyf/Tasi for plenty of turns and stops them burning you out. It only really loses to Maelstrom Pulse, and I'd expect them to board that out nearly always.
593/r/ModernMagic
594/u/thedovelamenting
59507/10/2015, 20:25:28
596them having the Terminate is far worse for you than you having the Path is for them, because you invested 5 mana + a card and they invested 1 mana + a card. Not irrelevantly, they also have far more time to draw into the Terminate than you have to draw the Path, and you don't usually have the luxury of waiting to be able to protect your Baneslayer with Spell Snare or Dispel because the Gurmag or Tasi came down much earlier and is smashing your face in. 
597/r/ModernMagic
598/u/thedovelamenting
59907/10/2015, 20:13:15
600Snapcaster just doesn't actually solve the major problems Gifts decks have. That problem is consistency, not card advantage or card quality. Sure, in general, Snapcaster is better, but not in the context of this specific archetype.
601/r/ModernMagic
602/u/thedovelamenting
60307/10/2015, 20:10:14
604no, this is totally fair. You have to consider how games actually play out the majority of the time, not just evaluate cards in a vaccuum. In the reality of Modern the Gurmag deck is going to have enough tools (cards + mana) to beat even a resolved Baneslayer most of the time. Tempo is a thing and that deck is just more efficient.
605/r/ModernMagic
606/u/thedovelamenting
60707/10/2015, 19:07:40
608he doesn't need more expensive clunky cards and frankly I don't think he needs more than 1 Cryptic, if any. You are already playing 4 Gifts (another 4-mana powerful instant), AND the combo pieces AND a bunch of wraths, you don't need to fill your deck up with even more awkward spells that tax your manabase and make you even softer to Dispel/Spell Pierce than you already are. In today's Modern, the right Gifts shell is 4 Gifts, the combo pieces, some wraths, Jaces, a couple of Snaps, and everything else just cheap efficient interaction. Start putting Cryptics in there and you'll be mulliganing or just getting run over or out-tempoed at lot more. Gifts is inherently high in the general factor of clunk. Don't make it clunkier!
609
610(btw don't get me wrong, I love Cryptic Command, it is maybe my favourite card in all of Magic, but context is everything)
611/r/ModernMagic
612/u/thedovelamenting
61307/10/2015, 18:57:25
614Baneslayer vs Gurmag = they just Terminate your Baneslayer and you can't protect it because it cost 5 mana to cast. Pretty sure Gurmag still wins. She just isn't resilient in the same way that Ojutai/Grave Titan/Sun Titan are, and you don't exactly have good ways to get their removal out of their hand. 
615/r/ModernMagic
616/u/thedovelamenting
61707/10/2015, 18:53:52
618OP does not need 4 Snapcasters. He is playing 4 Gifts Ungiven, the combo, a bunch of 4 mana-wraths - there's only so-many expensive spells you can play in your deck. This isn't Grixis where your curve is super low to the ground. Jace has the additional functionality of looting away combo pieces you happen to draw (one of the big downsides of playing Gifts - yes you get this extra power but sometimes you draw Iona and it sucks). Inconsistency is one of the big big problems with Gifts decks and Jace - not Snapcaster - does a huge amount to help you out there. 
619
620(edit: in this deck, you might need 4 Jace, but definitely not more than 3 Snaps IMO).
621/r/ModernMagic
622/u/thedovelamenting
62307/10/2015, 18:51:22
624Stirrings and Map are basically impossible to counter (1-mana sorceries). He's only playing one Tectonic Edge and frankly in Esper you don't have that much wiggle room available when it comes to running colourless lands like Ghost Quarter. Think of another plan.
625/r/ModernMagic
626/u/thedovelamenting
62707/10/2015, 01:24:39
628I wouldn't bother with trying to Gifts for Terastodon or Ashen Rider versus Tron- they have Relic of Progenitus too often, particularly in sideboard games, for Gifts to be reliable. Stick to Geist, Clique, something like that.
629/r/ModernMagic
630/u/thedovelamenting
63107/10/2015, 01:23:17
632Rewind is rubbish. You don't need 4 Think Twice, you're already playing a powerful/slow draw engine in Gifts. Just 1 will do (it's a sweet value card for non-combo piles). Disenchant is too fringe for the maindeck and Surgical Extraction is just dreadful. Play the 4th Remand. And probably also some more spot removal. Dismember and Slaughter Pact are both reasonable options. It's nice to have the ability to be able to Gifts for 4 cheap spot removal spells. 24 lands is maybe 1 too few. Spell Snare is so good right now that you could definitely get away with 3 in the main. And where are your fetches???
633
634The sideboard is just a mess. Play more Celestial Purge, the card is awesome and deals with a lot of problem permanents (Liliana, Delve fatties, Blood Moon, Twin, Leyline of the Void etc). Stony Silence is hands down the best Affinity hoser and also really hurts Tron, a deck you are super-soft to. Don't play Hurkyl's Recall, it's rubbish. I have no idea what Baneslayer Angel is supposed to do for you; if you want Burn hate, play something cheaper like Firewalker or Timely Reinforcements - though Gifts for Iona is gg in that matchup anyway.  I do however approve of the Dragonlord Ojutai; it can really help to have a resilient finisher against the fair decks when you board out the combo because they're boarding in the graveyard hate. And what is Echoing Truth for? If you want a flexible answer to tokens just play Engineered Explosives (another sweet card vs Twin, Jund, etc). 
635
636I sort of see the idea with Geist of St Traft - it can be really nice to have a fast clock that doesn't use the graveyard in some matchups, like Tron/Amulet - but honestly I think most of the time he's underwhelming without hand disruption to back him up most of the time, and even then in the matchups where he's theoretically good tapping out turn 3 for him can lead to some very bad consequences. I'd perhaps experiment with a couple of Cliques in that spot and see if it works (since then you don't have to tap out, and you get to disrupt their hand in the process).
637/r/ModernMagic
638/u/thedovelamenting
63906/10/2015, 12:04:23
640A buddy of mine plays Slivers. It's quite interesting. It actually grinds much better than Merfolk does, but has much slower, less explosive starts to compensate. He can very easily outgrind a lot of control decks. The key cards are Vial, Cavern of Souls, Collected Company, Sliver Hive, Sedge Sliver, and, funnily enough, [[Frenetic Sliver]]. From memory he plays that guy as a two-of and he can be ridiculously annoying, essentially giving himself and all your team a 50/50 shot at surviving a removal spell. Can't remember how many Companies he plays - at least 2 - but regardless he doesn't play any Slivers with cmc greater than 3, which I think is correct. Oh, and he also has 2x Spell Pierce in the main. 
641/r/ModernMagic
642/u/thedovelamenting
64306/10/2015, 11:35:39
644yeah I'm sure there's a good Esper Gifts list with Jace, Vryn's Prodigy. He does a huge amount to smooth amount the inherent inconsistencies that come with playing Gifts. I know Hoogland was trying but IMO he got sidetracked by trying to be too cute with Obzedat and Goryo's Vengeance.
645/r/ModernMagic
646/u/thedovelamenting
64706/10/2015, 09:55:05
648I'm no manabase genius but yeah, that looks halfway reasonable. But  then again I'm still completely unsure what Bant actually adds over UW. Ajani is a slow 5-mana draw engine that doesn't impact the board. Modern isn't exactly a durdly format. It just feels like you've made the manabase more painful, less resilient to Blood Moon, and worsened your matchups against the land-based decks for no very good reason. For what? Unless you're planning to turn this into a Knightfall combo deck...(no idea if that combo is good, but it is at least a defensible reason to play Bant). 
649
650(what are you trying to hose with Back to Nature, by the way? Bogle? It's such a fringe deck, I wouldn't bother too much. UW offers better ways to kill a Blood Moon, and is much more resilient to Moon in the first place. Celestial Purge, for instance, is a solid all-round card that kills Blood Moon and giant Delve fatties and Keranos and Liliana and Bob and Splinter Twin and....you get the picture.) 
651
652Oh I just noticed Kataki. Stony Silence is still better - really hurts Tron as well as Affinity. Not being able to cycle their Eggs, crack Maps or blow up O-Stones puts a really spanner in the Tron works. 
653/r/ModernMagic
654/u/thedovelamenting
65505/10/2015, 18:42:08
656Versus GR Tron, you can't disrupt turn 3 Tron with Tectonic Edge. That's pretty big game (versus other forms of Tron it's less important because they don't assemble turn 3 Tron as often). Versus Amulet taking out a bounceland with the triggers on the stack is also huge. Ghost Quarter does this 100% reliably; Tec Edge rarely. Versus Infect Tectonic Edge doesn't actually do anything at all, whereas Ghost Quarter is one of the best cards in the matchup. Sure, Tec Edge is usually better versus Jund or UWR - any fair deck with manlands - but your matchup versus those decks should be pretty solid anyway. Your matchup versus the land-based combo decks, however, is poor without a playset of Ghost Quarter. The interaction with Shadow of Doubt is also excellent versus fair decks.
657/r/ModernMagic
658/u/thedovelamenting
65905/10/2015, 16:04:58
660Skred tries to do this (amongst other things). It isn't very good
661/r/ModernMagic
662/u/thedovelamenting
66305/10/2015, 13:14:15
664why exactly are you playing Green? Literally just for Lumbering Falls and Ajani MoH? Creeping Corrosion could just be another Stony Silence. I'd much rather have a cleaner, more straightforward manabase that allows me to play a bunch of Ghost Quarters. That way, you don't automatically roll over to Tron and Amulet (they also significantly improve your Infect matchup).
665/r/ModernMagic
666/u/thedovelamenting
66705/10/2015, 12:52:35
668don't play this deck, it's very bad. 
669/r/ModernMagic
670/u/thedovelamenting
67105/10/2015, 11:51:02
672I've tried Ashiok in this archetype out of the sideboard vs BGx and didn't think it was very good. Liliana is a much more reliable way to get value. 
673/r/ModernMagic
674/u/thedovelamenting
67505/10/2015, 11:49:02
676I've been working on a similar list; mine is here http://tappedout.net/mtg-decks/03-09-15-aIp-ub-control/
677
678First up - cut Tec Edge for Ghost Quarter. Versus Amulet, Infect, and Tron, Ghost Quarter is huge. Play 4. The interaction with Shadow of Doubt is also exceptionally powerful. I love Tec Edge but in today's Modern it's a very inferior card. 
679
68023 lands is also far too few. Go up to 25, minimum. You don't want to miss any of your first 6 land drops. 
681
682Ultimate Price and Smother are pretty rubbish IMO. Smother used to be amazing but then Gurmag, Tasi, and Rhino all happened. I'd probably just play more Dismembers. Go for the Throat is an OK one-of as well. Don't play Dimir Charm either. 
683
684Damnation should be in the main - in some matchups you just need a sweeper, preferably two. If you don't have 2 Damnations then I think Black Sun's Zenith is an acceptable replacement with some upside (better in some spots vs Coco, Elves, and Delver). Drown in Sorrow is great sideboard sweeper option - better than Explosives, I'd say. 
685
686Unlike other people, I don't mind the Countersqualls - if you're playing Tasigurs then the upside is probably worth the very occasional awkward mana. The Mana Leak should probably just be the 4th Remand, however.
687
688(edit: Languish is also an acceptable Damnation replacement - kills almost everything and plays nice with Tasi). 
689/r/ModernMagic
690/u/thedovelamenting
69103/10/2015, 15:35:11
692I also think a lot of people are too blindly obsessed with jamming 4 Snaps in every single blue deck they can, regardless of whether or not he really fits, but IMO here you have more than enough cheap interaction to justify some more copies. 3 is probably the right number. 2 at the least. I'd play the second Snapcaster over Vendilion Clique, for sure.
693
694It's a fairly minor point but how often is Logic Knot live on turn 2? 5 fetches seems a bit thin in that department - in the absence of Thought Scours I'd plump for about 7 to make it really work.
695
696I'd probably just cut Tec Edge for the 3rd Ghost Quarter. My love for Tec Edge knows no bounds but Ghost Quarter is just a better card in modern, sadly. Vs Amulet, Infect, and Tron it's so much stronger. Incidentally, playing as many Ghost Quarters as you can makes Shadow of Doubt better also.
697
698Whether or not your version of this deck is good depends on how good Myth Realized really is. I have no idea, having never tested the card, but I assume it's pulling its weight? What's your honest evaluation?
699/r/ModernMagic
700/u/thedovelamenting
70103/10/2015, 15:29:38
702I also think a lot of people are too blindly obsessed with jamming 4 Snaps in every single blue deck they can, regardless of whether or not he really fits, but IMO here you have more than enough cheap interaction to justify some more copies. 3 is probably the right number. 2 at the least. I'd play the second Snapcaster over Vendilion Clique, for sure. 
703
704It's a fairly minor point but how often is Logic Knot live on turn 2? 5 fetches seems a bit thin in that department - in the absence of Thought Scours I'd plump for about 7 to make it really work. 
705
706I'd probably just cut Tec Edge for the 3rd Ghost Quarter. My love for Tec Edge knows no bounds but Ghost Quarter is just a better card in modern, sadly. Vs Amulet, Infect, and Tron it's so much stronger. Incidentally, playing as many Ghost Quarters as you can makes Shadow of Doubt better also. 
707
708Whether or not your version of this deck is good depends on how good Myth Realized really is. I have no idea, having never tested the card, but I assume it's pulling its weight? What's your honest evaluation?
709/r/ModernMagic
710/u/thedovelamenting
71103/10/2015, 01:26:50
712well if you are running a lot of Lingering Souls and perhaps Monastery Mentor then I could certainly see new Gideon being worthy of consideration. In durdle.Wafotapa.dec then Gideon Jura is just way better though (kills stuff, fogs, kills them).
713/r/ModernMagic
714/u/thedovelamenting
71502/10/2015, 08:21:03
716moar Spell Snare, card is amazing, particularly in these durdly hard control decks, particularly against decks like Affinity. Cut the 3rd Tasigur, the Clique, and the Slaughter Pact for 3 more Spell Snares. Cut the Mana Leak for the second Logic Knot while you're at it. I'd try to play the 4th Esper Charm if possible but not sure where the ax should fall to fit in that one.
717/r/ModernMagic
718/u/thedovelamenting
71902/10/2015, 01:54:52
720even vs Junk Rhino is just bigger than the Skull. Sad times but I think it's justly out of favour.
721/r/ModernMagic
722/u/thedovelamenting
72301/10/2015, 17:49:17
724what matchup do you actually want it in though? sideboard games versus UR Twin? 
725/r/ModernMagic
726/u/thedovelamenting
72701/10/2015, 15:44:51
728I would try Vampiric Link in that slot (as already suggested). It's narrow but what can you do, eh?
729/r/ModernMagic
730/u/thedovelamenting
73101/10/2015, 15:37:02
732as others have said, Mulldrifter is solid and interacts well with K-Command. Other options: Mystical Teachings (gets you card advantage after flashback), Jace, Architect of Thought (great vs Lingering Souls, Young Pyromancer, and is just a solid draw engine in general), Compulsive Research (probably better than both Painful Truth or Read the Bones), & Keranos (awesome but slow)
733/r/ModernMagic
734/u/thedovelamenting
73501/10/2015, 15:33:15
736http://magic.wizards.com/en/articles/archive/daily-deck/modern-temur-prowess-2015-09-21 it's all about those Mishra's Baubles
737/r/ModernMagic
738/u/thedovelamenting
73901/10/2015, 15:29:51
740by the way Batterskull is pretty rubbish. K-Command means that it's now bad in the grindy match ups and even vs Burn they'll nearly always have some Destructive Revelries handy after board.
741/r/ModernMagic
742/u/thedovelamenting
74301/10/2015, 15:17:37
744yeah try +2 Spell Pierce +3 Dispel +1 Batterskull, -3 Cryptic, -2 Remand, -1 K-Command. Maybe cut another K-Command for a Languish, but I wouldn't board both Languishes in if her list doesn't have Wild Nacatl (which it doesn't seem to). 
745/r/ModernMagic
746/u/thedovelamenting
74701/10/2015, 14:52:18
748can you tell us exactly how you're sideboarding?
749/r/ModernMagic
750/u/thedovelamenting
75129/09/2015, 13:09:32
752The black edicts actually do something in other matchups though e.g Twin.
753/r/ModernMagic
754/u/thedovelamenting
75529/09/2015, 08:40:31
756Devour Flesh? Tribute to Hunger? Boring but effective.
757/r/ModernMagic
758/u/thedovelamenting
75928/09/2015, 15:26:27
760I wonder if by this he means Loam Pox or something similar
761/r/ModernMagic
762/u/thedovelamenting
76328/09/2015, 15:25:50
764you'll probably be in decent shape vs Merfolk and the random homebrews (Cursecatcher could be a little bit annoying I guess but game 1 they barely have any other relevant interaction). Jund and Infect seem rough though. Jund has tons of relevant disruption plus a clock, and Infect is probably about half a turn faster and you have no way to interact, unless you play a couple of Bolts. Even then it still isn't great I'd imagine.
765/r/ModernMagic
766/u/thedovelamenting
76727/09/2015, 22:26:03
768yeah Jace might just be better. A lot of the time I wind up casting Teachings to get Blue Sun's Zenith anyway, which makes me think that Teachings is a bit of a win-more card, and something like Jace is preferable since it actually plays defense as well as drawing cards. 
769
770UB finishers aren't great. No joke, I honestly started considering Wydwen at one point. Dragonlord has been pretty excellent though. 
771
772For the interested, my sideboarding guide is here - all comments welcome https://docs.google.com/document/d/1LdJVEdMRTg3gN_-1RK1iPtNxuphiat9igu1ihU1K3Eo/edit?usp=sharing
773/r/ModernMagic
774/u/thedovelamenting
77527/09/2015, 22:01:05
776yeah I am not sure about the 61 cards though I do think you want 27  lands, even with 3 Temples - you really don't want to miss you first 6/7 land drops, the way this deck is set up. It's so mana-greedy (Think Twice, Snapcaster for Cryptic/Damnation, Alchemy flashback).
777
778Alchemy is great, both card quality and card advantage. Anticipate is OK but just gets exposed by the BGx value engine in my experience. The whole deck is set up to get you to that late game where you have the mana to do things like cast a big Blue Sun's Zenith or flashback Alchemy.  Sure, you could just play Compulsive Research, but tapping out is awful. 
779
780Spreading Seas is only sideboard, so I wouldn't think Master of Waves is good. 
781
782Yeah Teferi might just be better as a sideboard card. IMO Teachings and Teferi are two of the weaker cards in the deck. Teachings is so slow and Teferi has a lot of matchups where he's just a mediocre flash threat that can be tutored for. I might turn Teachings into a maindeck Jace, Architect of Thought and Teferi into something??? But when you look at the available options maybe Teferi is still defensible - UB is not blessed in the finisher department. Batterskull used to be the business but then K-Command happened. Dragonlord, Teferi, Grave Titan are all quite reasonable - then the quality just falls off a cliff and we get into stuff like Consecrated Sphinx and Lone Revenant (ugh)
783
784I do love me some Logic Knots but yeah it needs a ton more fetchlands to actually work and/or Thought Scours. Scour is OK I guess but what would you cut? And if we're Thought Scouring we really should be playing Tasi/Angler as well. I also like not losing a lot of life to my own manabase (a pain-limited manabase really helps the matchups against the fair decks)
785
786btw you say the mana is easy, but we are always trying to hit BB on turn 3/4 for Liliana/Damnation, and UUU for Cryptic on turn 4, whilst also playing 5 lands that don't produce any coloured mana. That's non-trivial. 
787/r/ModernMagic
788/u/thedovelamenting
78926/09/2015, 23:03:22
790I'll certainly give it a go, though at that point you're basically just playing Grixis without the red, and I'm not sure what the benefits are of that (cleaner mana? More Ghost Quarters?)
791/r/ModernMagic
792/u/thedovelamenting
79326/09/2015, 17:33:14
794I've played quite a bit of Esper Gifts in days gone by. IMO this list has way too many high cmc clunky cards (4 Cryptic, 3 Gifts, 3 wraths, 4 Think Twice, plus the entire Rites package). I would really look to cut down. More Spell Snares, more Remands, fewer Cryptics. Thought Scour over Think Twice and Esper Charm. I'd also recommend looking into Jace, Vryn's Prodigy as another efficient, cheap threat that loots away fatties you are unlucky enough to draw (Liliana of the Veil does a similar job in some respects but can present some manabase issues). If you go down the Jace route I might also get hold of a copy of Goryo's Vengeance, since it plays very nice with Jace and Griselbrand.  Iona I might move to the sideboard in favour of Elesh Norn.
795/r/ModernMagic
796/u/thedovelamenting
79715/09/2015, 14:54:45
798leyline of the void is a pretty popular sideboard card thanks to Grixis. 
799/r/ModernMagic
800/u/thedovelamenting
80115/09/2015, 14:31:05
802have you tried this out in real life against decent decks?
803
804I hate to be that guy, but it's so so hard to make Counterbalance work without Top. Good luck though. Perhaps it would be possible to build a UW control deck that played a lot of one and two drops with sideboarded Counterbalance for certain matchups (like Burn?)
805/r/spikes
806/u/thedovelamenting
80710/09/2015, 11:58:16
808The popularity of Dispel hurts Gifts, sadly. As does all the splash graveyard hate - Leyline of the Void is at an all-time high right now.
809/r/ModernMagic
810/u/thedovelamenting
81103/09/2015, 20:22:09
812this was true once but then Delve creatures happened. Oh and Siege Rhino got printed. But I agree that last summer (before Khans) Consume was just the best sweeper ever in Modern, it killed everything and got the manlands to boot
813/r/ModernMagic
814/u/thedovelamenting
81503/09/2015, 20:20:19
816tbh I don't mind playing 3 Damnations, seems pretty reasonable vs Affinity, Merfolk, GBx, Elves, Abzan Coco, Zoo, etc. Sure they're dead in some matchups but this is Modern, what isn't?
817/r/ModernMagic
818/u/thedovelamenting
81903/09/2015, 20:19:57
820well it depends on what you're doing with the rest of your deck. If you have a ton of high casting cost cards like Cryptic, Teachings, Alchemy, Think Twice, Damnation, then no, you don't want 4 Snaps, or even 3, because in functional terms he makes the average CMC of your deck even higher, and you get a lot of unkeepably expensive opening hands. In decks with lots of Serum Visions & Thought Scour & Bolt sure, Snapcaster is awesome, but that's because the whole deck is so cheap (cmc wise). This list is set up in a fundamentally different way to Grixis and accordingly doesn't need Snapcaster so much. Now sure, you can argue that the way Grixis does things is better, and you'd almost certainly be right, but hey, it's a brew, we're having some fun here, don't be a killjoy
821/r/ModernMagic
822/u/thedovelamenting
82303/09/2015, 19:24:09
824you can't be cutting Think Twice IMO, that's your core grind facilitator, it's how you outmuscle the GBx value engine
825/r/ModernMagic
826/u/thedovelamenting
82703/09/2015, 19:23:11
828when it's good it's awesome, but when it's bad it really stinks. When they play the Goyf and then you draw the Snare life sucks. Drawing too many at the wrong time is a fast route to losing, and unlike Remand it's not easy to cash them in for another card. BBD doesn't like it either for basically the same reason. But I strongly suspect that it's a necessary evil in this kind of deck, as evidenced by the fact that the UW decks that did well at Worlds played 4 ;)
829/r/ModernMagic
830/u/thedovelamenting
83103/09/2015, 19:11:05
832yah agreed that Gravey Boy is better. DLord is funnier though ;)
833
834Teachings is fine as a one-of IMO
835
836Curse is a concession to Junk but I might cut it if everyone switches back to Jund en masse. It also randomly hoses some things like Infect & shuts off Twin, good vs Delver, good vs Tokens etc
837
838Agreed Consume isn't very good, even with teachings, will get hold of the third Damnation instead. 
839
840I wasn't super-impressed with EE and will def make it another Snap (I own 4 so no worries) 
841
842Will probs also then cut the Tolaria West for another Island or River of Tears
843
8444 Dismember is a bit iffy, agreed, still playing around with the removal to see what combos work. It does kill literally everything except Prime Time though. Surprisingly hard to find black removal of comparable general applicability. Doom Blade is pants, Go for the Throat is horrible vs Affinity, and Smother used to be awesome but then Delve creatures came along, Victim of Night is mana-intensive and doesn't kill stupid Gurmag
845
846/r/ModernMagic
847/u/thedovelamenting
84803/09/2015, 16:44:25
849what would you play over Snare? There needs to be some solid, cheap interaction with broad applicability
850/r/ModernMagic
851/u/thedovelamenting
85203/09/2015, 16:10:35
853yeah teachings for pact is sweet, so is Teferi. I love Venser but is the body not a bit too low impact? We don't care very much about a 2/2...agreed that there should be a couple of Cliques in the 75. Disfigure is another good shout. I hate Spell Snare but think it might be a necessary evil sadly. Let me know what you'd cut...
854/r/ModernMagic
855/u/thedovelamenting
85603/09/2015, 16:01:04
857probs but let me know what you'd cut. I don't think you want that many more since you don't really care very much about the body
858/r/ModernMagic
859/u/thedovelamenting
86013/07/2015, 08:54:40
861Infect is pretty good between cheap removal, Souls, cheap countermagic, & Gifts for Elesh (which is gg).
862
863Pack Rat does a number of things. It's a wincon that doesn't use the graveyard, so allows for a powerful proactive plan that blanks graveyard hate. It also provides a way to race against the unfair decks in matchups where you need a clock (Tron, Ad Nauseam, etc) Lastly, you can also board it in against the fair decks if they've boarded out too much of their removal, which can lead to some highly entertaining wins.
864
865Fulminator is fine for the mana. It's not good vs Tron in this archetype though, since you aren't applying pressure at the same time.
866/r/ModernMagic
867/u/thedovelamenting
86813/07/2015, 08:41:50
869I am not all that fussed about not being able to pitch the fatties; with 27 lands and Calciform Pools you will cast them eventually. It's not that common that you draw both your fatty and your way to pitch it anyway, meaning that any card, such as Liliana, that can discard fatties actually needs to stand on its own two feet, and be strong in its own right. I love Lili, but am not sure the meta is exactly in a place where maindecking her is a high priority...
870
871Can I ask why you don't like Explosives? It's flexible and powerful - unlike conventional Wraths, it's very good vs Twin since you can pop it at instant speed. The flexibility also means it's much better than a normal wrath vs Burn, and vs Affinity it can kill both the Vault Skirge and the Plating. It's also a much stronger card than Wrath vs Delver, an archetype this deck tends to struggle with. Admittedly, Supreme Verdict is the business vs Merfolk, but Explosives isn't exactly bad there either. Plus, it's tutorable with Tolaria West (as is Slaughter Pact).
872
873Academy Ruins could definitely replace the Vault, though. Re Tolaria West, this is a new addition, so I'm not totally sure, but from initial testing I think it has potential to prevent some of the issues that come with playing 27 lands - if 2 of your lands can turn into spot removal or a sweeper, you're less likely to flood out. Thanks for the comments re Countersquall. Disfigure is definitely an interesting thought. Perhaps Darkblast? It kills a lot in Modern and is great with Gifts and Souls....
874
875/r/ModernMagic
876/u/thedovelamenting
87712/07/2015, 18:34:56
878Thanks very much for the comments! In reply…
879
880...hardcasting the fatties is pretty achievable with 27 lands, including 2 Calciform Pools (secretly the best card in the deck). But certainly having a way to discard them would be a good addition. I had Liliana of the Veil (the best solution to this problem IMO, better than Esper Charm) in an earlier version of the deck, but Lili can be quite clunky and occasionally almost a complete brick, and the deck has a few somewhat clunky cards already. I wouldn’t hate on maybe cutting 1x Lingering Souls and 1x Explosives for 2x Liliana though? Something to trial…
881
882Re the Crucible lock Gifts pile, don’t you need Buried Ruin to make it work? Or a Tolaria West to tutor for a second copy of Academy Ruins? Otherwise they just give you the Explosives and Ghost Quarter, which are fine cards, but not a lock of any kind? Anyway, I would never maindeck Crucible, but it could certainly be a fine sideboard card if the format slows down a bit. I'll keep it in mind.
883/r/ModernMagic
884/u/thedovelamenting
88512/07/2015, 16:56:34
886That's what Consume the Meek, Engineered Explosives, and Snapcaster Mage are for. More generally, Supreme Verdict and the WW wrath effects would require the manabase to be completely overhauled. I like Consume the Meek a lot, since it kills manlands, and would prefer not have to orient the manabase towards base-white, since Creeping Tar Pit since IMO quite a bit better in Modern right now than Celestial Colonnade (in a format that prizes mana-efficiency, it's just much less clunky and better at dealing with problem cards like Liliana). 
887/r/spikes
888/u/thedovelamenting
88920/06/2015, 14:28:48
890This list is how I'd go about building UW Tron, to a great degree. Clean, efficient, and simple. I would probably play the 3rd Ugin over Karn - Karn is better when you have turn 3 Tron, but that's pretty rare, and Ugin is just massively better in almost every other situation since he catches you up on board much more efficiently. I would definitely prefer the 4th Remand over the 3rd Condescend but that is very minor. I do NOT love Supreme Verdict since in my experience it can be really tough to cast with some draws, but you may beg to differ - with your manabase, it might reliable - your mana certainly gets closer than most UW Tron manabases I see. I might prefer maindeck Timely Reinforcements instead - also shores up the Burn matchup - but that is a meta call perhaps. Also the 3rd Ugin would give you more reliable access to a sweeper when you do hit Tron. The manabase seems completely fine to me. Again, 3 Ugins would perhaps push me towards Repeal over Cyclonic Rift, but that's pretty marginal. 
891/r/spikes
892/u/thedovelamenting
89316/06/2015, 15:47:44
894come to Dark Sphere, right next to Waterloo station. Then get the train home. Easily the biggest shop around with the highest standard of play. Standard runs on Monday, Thursday, and Friday nights.
895/r/spikes
896/u/thedovelamenting
89715/06/2015, 17:22:05
898a durdly Esper deck just went 12-3 at Charlotte; you can find it in here http://magic.wizards.com/en/events/coverage/gpcha15/archetype-exemplars-top-decks-of-grand-prix-charlotte-2015-06-13
899
900I don't love the archetype but this is probably close to the best version of it. Adrian Sullivan's Dragonlord Ojutai/Silumgar's Scorn/Nameless Inversion deck looked interesting as well.
901/r/spikes
902/u/thedovelamenting
90301/06/2015, 18:10:42
904this list is everything wrong with UW Tron - you have 12 Tron lands and Eye of Ugin AND Academy Ruins - all these colourless lands and then stuff like Supreme Verdict, Day of Judgment, Sphinx's Rev. You want to play Cryptic Command? Pull the other one, it's got bells on. As McWinSauce says I would really look into Timely Reinforcements as your anti-aggro card, so much easier to cast than the Wraths and you just want to stall out until you get your engine going anyway.
905
906And only two expedition map? That cannot possibly be correct in a million years, Expedition Map is quite literally the only reason these Tron decks actually do anything. Plus you have SO MUCH FAT at the top end, you desperately want to hit Tron - Karn and Ugin and Emrakul and Elesh and Iona and Wurmcoil and Mindslaver... 
907
908(incidentally, I wouldn't play Karn at all, Ugin seems much better, and I agree you should choose one between Emrakul and Slaver. I'd probably pick Slaver tbh)
909
910(edit: this is just me, but I've always thought these UW Tron decks should look into some Temples of Enlightenment over Celestial Colonnade - a lot of your losses are to yourself and Temples could really help to smooth out the inherent inconsistencies)
911/r/spikes
912/u/thedovelamenting
91315/05/2015, 17:27:09
914Victim of Night isn't entirely unconditional - Gurmag Angler! Victim is great though, but very tough to cast.
915
916I think it's a mistake to leave out the edicts - Devour Flesh, and especially Tribute to Hunger, I think are excellent. The lifegain on Tribute is so valuable to stop BGx and Twin nickel-and-diming you out. 
917
918On balance, out of the options you listed, I'd say Smother and Cut are probably the top 2, assuming that you're already playing 4 Paths, but I would urge you to consider Tribute as well. 
919/r/spikes
920/u/thedovelamenting
92115/05/2015, 11:04:51
922not at all sure about the Modern UW example. I assume you're playing Sphinx's Rev, and if so, you want to play out your lands. 
923/r/spikes
924/u/thedovelamenting
92514/05/2015, 11:32:33
926the problem with Unstorm is that you have to find, resolve, get the counters on Ascension, and not have it die to Abrupt Decay, otherwise your deck doesn't do anything. Sure, you have Noxious Revival to get it back from the graveyard, but at least Storm attacks from multiple angles (and I would also imagine is faster). Pretty sure the Storm deck should play the 4th PiF.
927/r/ModernMagic
928/u/thedovelamenting
92913/05/2015, 12:51:44
930*4 Path
931
932*4 Spell Snare
933
934*2 Logic Knot
935
936*2 Remand (maybe Negate)
937
938*4 Anticipate/Think Twice
939
940*4 Esper Charm
941
942*2 Other removal spell (I like Tribute to Hunger, but Smother is also a great shout that does a ton of good work in modern)
943
944*4 Cryptic Command
945
946*3 Snapcaster Mage
947
948*1 Sphinx's Revelation
949
950*1 Gideon Jura/Grave Titan/Blood Baron/Elspeth SC/Batterskull
951
952*1 Jace, Architect
953
954*1Night of Soul's Betrayal
955
956*1 Damnation
957
958This is a pretty sweet Esper list IMO. I've indicated some of the flex slots and options available at each point in the curve. If you want to put Lingering Souls in here, then obviously cut the NOSB, probably the Jace, and maybe also Damnation. Don't play Mana Leak whatever you do, unless you play the tempo-orientated Esper Mentor deck.
959/r/ModernMagic
960/u/thedovelamenting
96104/05/2015, 10:36:41
962NB and this is true even in lists that don't run Bitterblossom. Planeswalkers (Elspeth, Sorin) also really help the Tokens player out. 
963/r/ModernMagic
964/u/thedovelamenting
96504/05/2015, 10:35:41
966In my experience board wipes aren't very good against Tokens, provided the pilot plays super-conservatively with his token-makers, and doesn't overcommit. 
967/r/ModernMagic
968/u/thedovelamenting
96904/05/2015, 00:19:57
970when Blood Moon is good, it just wins you the game. Even when Shadow of Doubt goes off, the two aren't even remotely comparable because SoD isn't winning you the game on the spot most of the time. 
971
972Thoughtseize is an answer to everything, including your opponent's answers, so it's good. Again, not remotely comparable to SoD, which only targets one resource, and not very well. 
973/r/ModernMagic
974/u/thedovelamenting
97503/05/2015, 18:02:44
976Here's the thing with Shadow of Doubt:
977
9781) what are you NOT putting in your deck because you're running 2x Shadow of Doubt? Are you really already maxed out on countermagic, removal, card draw, threats? 
979
9802) very few decks get hosed by it. Shadow of Doubting a Pod activation could actually be a blowout, since sacrificing a creature is part of the cost. But now it's just a good counterspell vs Scapeshift and Chord (neither of which see much play), and it's not even that vs Primeval Titan. The value in Shadow of Doubt is mostly in hopefully getting to Stifle+cantrip a fetchland activation. 
981
9823) Shadow of Doubt gets way worse on the draw, since most people try crack their fetches as early as possible (turns 1-2). After that it's not as high-impact even if you do successfully resolve it. 
983
9844) People always say that if Shadow of Doubt doesn't do anything, you can just cycle it. Sure, but this is Modern - it's a high-powered fast format. You don't really have the time to be doing something so low-impact as cycling a card for 2 mana. Think Twice doesn't really cut the mustard in this format for the same reason.
985
9865) It's not like Shadow of Doubt is some super-secret unknown tech. The card has seen a reasonable amount of play, particularly during the Pod era, and when good players see Celestial Colonnade or Creeping Tar Pit or any kind of control-orientated opening turn, at least some of them will start playing around Shadow of Doubt. This has happened to me on a few occasions, even though I didn't actually have Shadow of Doubt in my deck, and don't have any kind of reputation as a lover of Shadow of Doubt. 
987/r/ModernMagic
988/u/thedovelamenting
98902/05/2015, 12:55:05
990Neither. This is not an Ajani-friendly metagame, and Narset is either an unreliable draw engine or a win-more. You want Jace AoT (sick draw engine, good starting loyalty, stops Lingering Souls + Young Pyromancer + Deceiver Exarch in their tracks), and maybe Gideon, who randomly hoses Infect & isn't bad vs Twin either. He's also just a good value card (kills a dude, then kills them). 
991
992I do think Elspeth SC is a reasonable sideboard shout vs Abzan though. 
993/r/spikes
994/u/thedovelamenting
99502/05/2015, 10:55:53
996Logic Knot is the truth. Build your deck appropriately (7-8 fetches) and it never fails, trust me. 
997
998Anticipate is great for the following reasons:
999
10001) it massively broadens the range of keepable hands - 2 lands + Anticipate is great,  even on the play, whereas 2 lands on the play in a control deck without Anticipate is a much riskier business. 
1001
10022) Modern is a format where, for the most part, everything has to line up well. You can't miss land drops (see above) and also your answers have to match the threats. Drawing all Paths and Bolts when your Amulet opponent is actually on the Hive Mind plan is a recipe for disaster. Vs Twin, you don't want Bolt/Helix when they're holding a couple of Exarchs, etc, etc. Anticipate goes a long way to solving the problem of drawing the wrong half of your deck. It also helps wrt to drawing the sideboard cards you really need in certain matchup. Just as importantly, in a format where Thoughtseize is good, Anticipate lets you patch the hole they made with it. 
1003
10043) in the mid-late game it does a huge amount of work to stop you flooding out, or just running out of relevant gas. Decks with Anticipate are far less prone to losing topdeck wars. 
1005/r/ModernMagic
1006/u/thedovelamenting
100701/05/2015, 12:24:00
1008Nope. Try Logic Knot. With fetchlands & cheap spells it's usually a Rune Snag/Force Spike on turns 2/3, a mana leak or better in the mid-game, and straight-up Counterspell thereafter. The only downside is that you can't really play more than 2, because otherwise you're overtaxing the graveyard.
1009
1010Shadow of Doubt isn't good to begin with, and it gets even less good once people see the first one. 
1011/r/spikes
1012/u/thedovelamenting
101301/05/2015, 11:07:36
1014Try some Logic Knots over your Mana Leaks. Playing Mana Leak in dedicated durdle control decks that also play Path is one of the reasons this archetype doesn't do well. Between fetches and bolts Logic Knot is a Rune Snag or Force Spike on turns 2/3, Mana Leak or better in the mid-game, and Counterspell in the late game. You can't play more than 2, probably, but it's excellent. 
1015
1016Anticipate is everything everyone is saying it is, and more. That is, it's excellent. Play 4. And not playing 4 Cryptics seems like insanity, the card is ridiculous (basically the reason to play Ux control in Modern) - if your meta is aggressive just add another wrath effect and tap/draw a bunch. But don't cut Cryptic!
1017
1018This would be my list of UWR:
1019
1020*4 Path
1021
1022*4 Spell Snare
1023
1024*2 Logic Knot
1025
1026*2 Remand
1027
1028*4 Cryptic Command
1029
1030*4 Bolt
1031
1032*4 Anticipate
1033
1034*2 Electrolyze
1035
1036*4 Snapcaster
1037
1038*1 Sphinx's Revelation
1039
1040*1 Supreme Verdict
1041
1042*2 Jace AOT
1043
1044*1 Vendilion Clique
1045
1046(between Snapcasters, burn, and Colonnade beats you shouldn't have too many problems actually winning the game. Plus Jace as well in a pinch) 
1047
1048I've never been very impressed with resto angel in this archetype, it just turns on the opponent's removal, which you want to be nearly entirely dead. 
1049
1050Not sure if only 25 lands is OK? 
1051
1052Shadow of Doubt is too cute. I've cut it along with the second Sphinx's Rev (with 4 Anticipate, you should be ok to find one-ofs reasonably well)
1053
1054Jace is there to stop you getting out-valued by Lingering Souls (Abzan, BW Tokens), and is also very solid vs Twin if you can stick it (hint: you want to +1 Jace more often than you'd think). He's also an excellent way to draw heat and stop you getting ground out by the rest of the Abzan Value Engine. Pretty decent vs Affinity as well if you can keep Plating/Ravager off the table. 
1055
1056PS I think Lightning Helix is bad in the serious modern meta - it just doesn't kill enough - but people play a lot of Zoo, Affinity & Burn in your world I guess you could cut an Electrolyze and a Snapcaster for 2 of them. 
1057/r/spikes
1058/u/thedovelamenting
105923/04/2015, 21:34:55
1060usually just make them kill you, but I do think scooping so as not to reveal information is legit. Too many times I've got to look at someone's entire deck with Ashiok or Nephalia Drownyard in games I had locked up ages ago. 
1061/r/spikes
1062/u/thedovelamenting
106308/04/2015, 19:06:01
1064well, you're the Twin player; how many times does the latter come up, tell me? In my extensive experience playing against Twin decks of various builds, by turn 3/4 they are usually lacking 1 half of the combo; rarely both halves.
1065/r/spikes
1066/u/thedovelamenting
106708/04/2015, 18:05:13
1068no they don't. Look. When you cast Anticipate EOT to find Supreme Verdict, you get 4 bites at the cherry: 3 cards + the fresh topdeck. When you cast Telling Time EOT to find Supreme Verdict, you are only getting 3 bites. Or, more relevantly, when you cast Anticipate EOT on turn 2 to find your 3rd land drop. 
1069/r/spikes
1070/u/thedovelamenting
107108/04/2015, 17:03:12
1072I have playtested the hell out of Anticipate since it was spoiled, so yes, I'm pretty confident.
1073
1074Sure, there are spots where ideally you want 2/3 cards, but way more often you just want 1/3, or 0/3 and desperately need to topdeck. When Anticipate is worse than Telling Time, it's never worse than slightly awkward. When Telling Time is worse than Anticipate (which is usually the case), it is MASSIVELY worse. 
1075
1076If you are putting extra fetches in your deck to make Telling Time better, you are paying a life price. If you are holding fetches in your hand so you have them available after you cast Telling Time, you are probably also paying a price in life some % of the time, because you lose out on the option of cracking the fetch on T1 for a tapped shockland. Sure, some decent % you'll be able to fetch a basic anyway, but sometimes, especially in 3-colour decks, you won't. This stuff matters. Just play Anticipate. It's all upside. Really.
1077/r/spikes
1078/u/thedovelamenting
107908/04/2015, 16:42:38
1080you don't have infinite fetchlands to play with. Nor do you have infinite life in a burn-heavy format. Anticipate is better in almost every way.
1081/r/spikes
1082/u/thedovelamenting
108308/04/2015, 15:27:31
1084oh jeez, no. In control decks you need answers to problems, and Anticipate finds you them much more efficiently than Telling Time. Say you're digging for Supreme Verdict vs Merfolk - Anticipate gives you 4 bites at the cherry (3 + the fresh topdeck), whereas Telling Time limits you to 3. Crucially for control, Anticipate is also way better at ensuring you hit your land drops, if that's what your hand requires. 
1085/r/spikes
1086/u/thedovelamenting
108708/04/2015, 14:00:53
1088not really. Anticipate is way better than Telling Time. It might still not be good enough, but it's much closer to Impulse (which I think you would play) than it is Telling Time.
1089/r/spikes
1090/u/thedovelamenting
109103/04/2015, 10:55:45
1092LSV quite liked it in this list that he recorded some videos off recently; http://www.channelfireball.com/videos/channel-lsv-modern-gifts/
1093
1094I think his list is a bit sub-optimal - I don't love only 2 Caryatids & not sure why he plays 2x Unburial Rites - but the series showcases the virtues & problems of 4cc gifts very well; you are doing something very powerful, which is good, but you have some awfully clunky draws and your manabase is pretty ropey.
1095/r/spikes
1096/u/thedovelamenting
109703/04/2015, 00:47:29
1098no love for any Sylvan Caryatids? Acceleration & some (badly needed I imagine) Blood Moon protection?
1099
1100Curse of Death's Hold is good a decent sideboard shout; shuts off opposing Infect creatures, Affinity, & opposing Souls tokens
1101/r/spikes
1102/u/thedovelamenting
110329/03/2015, 21:12:32
1104I do think you need the solve the Lingering Souls problem somehow, though, and I'm sure not Remand cuts it. I've found Souls (out of both Junk and Tokens) to be a huge issue for the deck - it just generates too much board presence at too little cost for the opponent. The enchantments also hose Infect, Affinity, and Twin really hard. It's pretty rare that they're dead (Burn, Tron, and Jund I guess. But Tron is such a rough matchup anyway).
1105/r/spikes
1106/u/thedovelamenting
110729/03/2015, 12:27:19
1108actually blood baron seems completely insane in Modern right now; same stats as Batterskull vs Burn, doesn't die to artifact removal or Maelstrom Pulse, and just laughs at all Abzan's removal.
1109/r/spikes
1110/u/thedovelamenting
111129/03/2015, 12:21:31
1112I'd be interested in your views on http://tappedout.net/mtg-decks/esper-grind-version/
1113
1114I do think your Mana Leaks may be better of as Logic Knots; you have enough fetches so it's fine in the early game, and never goes dead late. The one-of Thought Scour even helps out! 
1115
1116Apart from this your list is pretty sweet, though obviously like other people I'm not in love with the random Mirran Crusader
1117/r/spikes
1118/u/thedovelamenting
111928/03/2015, 21:22:38
1120believe me, I've tried. It's just a little too slow to be your main engine. 
1121/r/spikes
1122/u/thedovelamenting
112323/03/2015, 09:43:41
1124I certainly wouldn't cut Sleight of Hand for Anticipate. 1) as others have pointed out that bottleneck is more usually mana than cards and 2), even more importantly, if you cut Sleight of Hand for it, you'll have to mulligan one-land hands a lot more. 
1125
1126Now, that said, were you playing Desperate Ravings or Peer Through Depths or something? If so then Anticipate might well be an upgrade. 
1127/r/spikes
1128/u/thedovelamenting
112921/03/2015, 10:39:54
1130This looks pretty reasonable. I am totally on the Anticipate train. I do question the number of Spell Snares (only 1, really? The card is so good in Modern right now, much better than Dispel), and also I am not sure how much Gifts is really doing for you in this deck. You (quite understandably) don't want to stretch the manabase any further for the Unburial Rites package, OK, that's fine, but then wouldn't Gifts just be better as the full set of Cryptics? Cryptic is both a great control card & a great tempo card, and you seem to be playing kind of a mash-up of control & tempo here.
1131
1132Not playing Creeping Tar Pit is a clear mistake, IMO.
1133
1134Incidentally, your Mana Leaks might just be better as Logic Knots - they don't go dead, and you even have Thought Scour to feed them in the early game. 
1135
1136Re the sideboard, I'm not sure you need the 3 Rise/Falls - as sweet as that card is, I'd look towards higher-impact cards. Jace AOT has really impressed for me in Esper. Maybe a Night of Soul's Betrayal as well?
1137/r/spikes
1138/u/thedovelamenting
113918/03/2015, 14:18:34
1140Hypergenesis for sure. Skullclamp also. Misstep is more marginal but doesn't contribute to fun. Jitte might not be too bad without Stoneforge to search it up, and Abrupt Decay exists to kill it as well. Plus, the new legend rule probably makes Jitte less annoying. I don't think it would be too bad, and some very strong decks in Modern more or less blank it. Stoneforge is clearly unacceptably strong however. So is Deathrite Shaman. Dread Return is not a safe card. Pod and Green Sun's are cards that if not broken now, will be in the future. Pod was ridiculously good anyway. Ancestral Vision and Bloodbraid would be good cards to unban since neither is at all oppressive, though I'm not sure about unbanning them together since the latter plays perhaps too well with the former. Jace would probably be completely fine, but would need a large-scale reprint for accessibility reasons.
1141/r/spikes
1142/u/thedovelamenting
114318/03/2015, 13:12:54
1144I am definitely going to downvote hell for this, but IMO, after some testing in various Modern control decks, I think people are massively underrating Anticipate, mostly because they are comparing it to an ostensibly similar but much worse card (Telling Time). Secretly, it's much better (if you've ever played with Impulse, this is way closer to Impulse than Telling Time). Were I to jam it in Twin - which seems perfectly respectable, particularly given your sideboard "transformational control deck with lots of silver bullets" plan, I'd try something like -1 Clique, -1 Combo Piece, -1 Dispel, -1 Flame Slash, +4 Anticipate. Or maybe Anticipate also allows you to cut a land. 
1145
1146I could be way off, but I strongly suspect that this is going to be a staple for pretty much every Modern blue deck (as well as standard, obv).
1147/r/spikes
1148/u/thedovelamenting
114916/03/2015, 13:53:43
1150incidentally, my testing indicates Tar Pit is actually a lot better than people think - quite possibly better than Colonnade. It's better at dealing with opposing planeswalkers (a real problem for Esper). If you are running Liliana OTV in your 75 (which I think is pretty reasonable, especially out of the sideboard), a UB dual is better than a UW dual, especially if you go with black wraths (Night of Soul's Betrayal, Damnation) over the white options. 
1151/r/spikes
1152/u/thedovelamenting
115315/03/2015, 22:08:09
1154I strongly suspect the answer is "neither" - Secure the Wastes isn't high-impact enough and in my experience WSZ is just a bit too slow and clunky. ATM I'm going with Gideon (as well as 4 manlands + 3 Snapcasters) just because he interacts weirdly well with a number of Modern's combo decks, which neither Secure nor WSZ does.
1155/r/spikes
1156/u/thedovelamenting
115703/03/2015, 16:53:50
1158P:S boarding out some number of Thoughtseize is pretty reasonable. A lot of the cards in these aggro decks are pretty interchangeable and the 2 life can really hurt. It depends. 
1159/r/spikes
1160/u/thedovelamenting
116103/03/2015, 16:44:57
1162Tasigur is more exciting vs burn-heavy decks (Jeskai) because he allows you to race. Or he eats two burn spells, which is fine. Less good vs creature-heavy decks because he can be swarmed around or flown over. Aetherspouts is just worse than Crux I think. Pharika's Cure is really good. Ashiok is still fine on the play vs most aggro decks - if you flip a big threat (Dragon, Polukranos) and that forces them to waste time and resources dealing with Ashiok, you are way ahead. I don't mind a Vault or two either because a good strategy for aggro post-board vs control is to slow their deck down and focus on durable sources of CA like Outpost Seige - this stops them getting just destroyed by Drown. Negate is surprisingly solid in these matchups for exactly this reason. Obviously Murk Lurker is generally very good. 
1163/r/spikes
1164/u/thedovelamenting
116527/02/2015, 11:21:18
1166Thoughtseize is fine. Quite apart from anything else, there are so few solid spells you can put in your deck and cast before turn 3, and you need to be doing some interaction early. It's also a good non-Vault, non-Ugin answer to things like Outpost Seige, or Whisperwood Elemental. I think also the right number of Thoughtseize is fairly conditional on your number of Ashioks, since the former is the best way of making it safer to just slam the latter on turn 3. Anywhere between 2-4 is reasonable, depending on the build. 
1167/r/spikes
1168/u/thedovelamenting
116927/02/2015, 10:49:51
1170a bigger problem is that your maindeck seems insanely top-heavy? 2 Ugin AND Silumgar AND PLA? Are there just no solid aggro decks (R/W or whatever) in your meta?
1171/r/EDH
1172/u/thedovelamenting
117318/09/2014, 17:28:29
1174Hint; in general, try to stay away from cards that are only good with Zedruu. It's ok to have cards that areimproved by Zedruu (Oblivion Ring and Arrest effects), but stuff like Pyromancer's Swath and Illusions of Grandeur - stay away. 
1175
1176/r/EDH
1177/u/thedovelamenting
117818/09/2014, 17:26:37
1179http://tappedout.net/mtg-decks/20-08-14-zedruu-planeswalkers/
1180
1181See the link for my Zedruu build - lots of planeswalkers and mass land destruction. Unpretty, but effective. I've since taken out Static Orb and replaced it with Wild Research, since that card is exceptionally strong. 
1182/r/EDH
1183/u/thedovelamenting
118417/09/2014, 14:00:12
1185If he plays a lot of Forests, Acid Rain and ways to tutor for it. Decks like this tend to be very greedy on the mana. Go after them with Winter Orb (perhaps Hokori, Dust Drinker as a general?) and other mass LD effects. See how he likes being on the wrong side of Armageddon. Just make sure you have lots of mana rocks. 
1186/r/spikes
1187/u/thedovelamenting
118816/09/2014, 11:37:58
1189with Polluted Delta and Flooded Strand just about to become legal, I suspect it's time to add the black splash back. Esper Charm is good. 
1190
1191Also not sure why the Shadow of Doubts aren't Dismembers, just to improve the Twin matchup.
1192/r/EDH
1193/u/thedovelamenting
119415/09/2014, 14:23:11
1195Time Stretch + anything, basically.
1196
1197Hint to all; put Wild Research in your Narset decks - it's very very good. 
1198/r/spikes
1199/u/thedovelamenting
120003/09/2014, 17:45:48
1201Storm is so fringe, there's no reason to worry about it. It's not hard for Esper to have a great clock vs Storm anyway (just Gifts for Iona and laugh). 
1202/r/spikes
1203/u/thedovelamenting
120403/09/2014, 16:52:44
1205It's not hard to construct an esper list that beats the tar out of Affinity - Lingering Souls, cheap spot removal (especially Darkblast!), Damnation, Consume the Meek, engineered explosives, you name it. 
1206
1207Pod is trickier, but gifts for elesh can go a long way. 
1208/r/spikes
1209/u/thedovelamenting
121003/09/2014, 16:37:30
1211I agree with the people saying Grixis might be a thing, but I also agree with those saying it won't play Cruel Ultimatum. A 7 mana sorcery that doesn't win the game is not where you want to be. I think Grixis Gifts might be worth a look (splashing white just for the Unburial Rites), or even just using Gifts as a value engine. More flexible and much less demanding than Cruel Ultimatum. 
1212
1213I do think you have to have a very strong reason to pass up on white's sideboarding options though. Esper might be more where you want to be.
1214/r/spikes
1215/u/thedovelamenting
121623/08/2014, 12:28:24
1217yeah, card selection is what the combo decks want, not necessarily raw card advantage. Something like "Instant - UUX - draw X cards" might be good in control but not combo, though I suspect Scapeshift might still be interested. If you want to make it more restrictive, how about "Instant - UBX - draw X cards and lose X life"?
1218
1219NB: both those cards are probably far too good for standard (certainly the first 1 is), so if WoTC wanted them in Modern they'd have to find some other way of making them legal. 
1220/r/EDH
1221/u/thedovelamenting
122221/08/2014, 22:12:46
1223Zedruu draws cards. There's quite a lot to give away at no cost; Oblivion Ring, Banishing Light, Detention Sphere, Torpor Orb, Winter Orb, Ensnaring Bridge, Overburden, Pithing Needle, goat tokens, even a Propaganda in a pinch. You'd be surprised by how many cards Zedruu can draw, and the life-gain is valued as well. Keeping a consistent card flow going is super-valuable.
1224
1225I do like Numot, and he was in a much older version of the deck (not as the general though) but I value the card draw more than the LD (sweet as it is), and Numot probably also draws more hate. 
1226/r/EDH
1227/u/thedovelamenting
122821/08/2014, 16:16:42
1229Interesting, thanks. I do like Ral, and his - ability is, if not hugely impactful, useful sometimes (vs Gaddock Teeg). Venser I had in this deck for the longest time and eventually cut him. He just doesn't do enough - the - is irrelevant, the + doesn't generate mana, and for it to draw cards you have to fill the deck with stuff like Wall of Omens, Sea Gate Oracle, Spreading Seas - which are all very mediocre. The ultimate does win, but that's true of most planeswalkers. 
1230
1231I like a lot of the other stuff you have going on - Sunder is something I should probably be playing, and perhaps Return to Dust also. 
1232/r/EDH
1233/u/thedovelamenting
123421/08/2014, 16:09:16
1235interesting idea - the nonbo with humility is a bit annoying, but I do like how he also allows for extra mana production from the mana rocks. Thanks.
1236/r/EDH
1237/u/thedovelamenting
123820/08/2014, 20:02:11
1239Well, I would say Maralen, but you meta frowns upon combo..
1240
1241Probably Maga then, although Erebos is very good also. To be honest the strength of mono-black is not really in the general, it's in Cabal Coffers. Just pack your deck full of every Coffers effect you can find (Caged Sun, Crypt Ghast, Nyxthos, Nirkana Revenant), and go nuts with Gray Merchant, Exsanguinate, etc. Phyrexian Arena, Sign in Blood, Read the Bones to draw cards; Mutilate, Damnation, Black Sun's Zenith, 0-Stone to sweep the board - you the get the idea. Contamination+Bitterblossom is really funny as well. 
1242/r/EDH
1243/u/thedovelamenting
124420/08/2014, 19:30:49
1245No, it exists (will post pics if you really want verification). It actually plays a lot more fun than you probably imagine for a few reasons;
1246
12471) A few of the cards lose all utility vs mono-colour decks, or decks with lots of basics
1248
12492) It gets a lot less good once people know what it does. If they send all the disruption and all the aggression in my direction it can be hard to set up a board state where I've stabilized. Not impossible, but trickier. That often forces me to Jokulhaups as a reset button (rather than as a "I win the game" button), and that sets up a fun race of "who can topdeck land fastest".
1250
12513) It doesn't interact on the stack very well, so if you can infinitely combo off, I can't really stop you.
1252
12534) certain hosers are just brutal (Gaddock Teeg, for one).
1254
1255That said, it doesn't always play very nice, and the fewer players in the game, the better it gets. It is HUGE fun to pilot, particularly when you really get someone with Winter Orb or Rising Waters. Torpor Orb can destroy entire decks too.
1256
1257Thoughts re potential improvement?
1258/r/EDH
1259/u/thedovelamenting
126020/08/2014, 18:16:17
1261http://tappedout.net/mtg-decks/20-08-14-zedruu-planeswalkers/ - done
1262/r/EDH
1263/u/thedovelamenting
126420/08/2014, 00:49:46
1265All the basics + Back to Basics, Ruination, Mystical Tutor for Ruination, Blood Moon. Make a virtue out of necessity. Rely on mana rocks for the fixing.
1266/r/spikes
1267/u/thedovelamenting
126818/08/2014, 12:24:34
1269You have 8 counters maindeck already, and Repeal allows you to bounce stuff and counter it on the way down. I'd have to have very strong reasons not to play 4 in the main. 
1270/r/spikes
1271/u/thedovelamenting
127218/08/2014, 12:21:21
1273I'd play Oboro over Mikokoro - another U source that doesn't get hosed by Choke, and it allows you generate multiple U off of just 1 land when you have Tron online. 
1274/r/spikes
1275/u/thedovelamenting
127617/08/2014, 11:35:00
1277oh, and as sweet as Tolaria West is, how realistic is UU really?
1278/r/spikes
1279/u/thedovelamenting
128017/08/2014, 11:21:42
1281I'd cut the Spell Burst for the 4th Repeal, that will definitely strengthen your Jund matchup main. It's probably also better against Tarmo-Twin. Do you really need Trinket Mage maindeck? I can see the value out of the sideboard, but maindeck it is literally just tutoring for Expedition Map, which you already have 4 copies of. Is that good enough? Perhaps a Dismember in its place? Removal is good vs Twin & Jund. Or perhaps the 4th Talisman for better consistency? Having a t2 mana rock seems pretty clutch on the draw. 
1282/r/spikes
1283/u/thedovelamenting
128411/07/2014, 11:10:43
1285Gaze of Granite is a lot worse than Crime/Punishment IMO - the extra mana is a lot and besides, once in a while you will get to Crime something, and it will feel awesome. 
1286
1287TBH, if you have time to Gifts for a wrath effect, you normally also have the time/mana to get Snapcaster Mage as well. The only time this doesn't work is when you Gifts with exactly 4 mana available, and then need to wrath straight away. I've found this is rare. In a lot of match -ups Wraths are pretty clunky and you are already playing lots of removal + Batterskull. So in conclusion, I think 2 is fine, but if you do play 3 I'd most definitely make 1 of them Crime/Punishment, just because being able to cast it with X=1 can be excellent (Pod's mana dorks, Zoo, etc). 
1288
1289I am not a huge fan of Caryatid, but please do test.
1290/r/spikes
1291/u/thedovelamenting
129210/07/2014, 18:14:09
1293Oh yeah banishing light would definitely be a much better cut than Thirst. I missed that. 
1294
1295I could be wrong but Modern is not a format IMHO where traditional sorcery-speed 4 mana Wraths are all that amazing right now - they are good vs Pod but vs almost every other deck they are quite underwhelming or actively bad. 
1296/r/spikes
1297/u/thedovelamenting
129810/07/2014, 14:29:18
1299the downside is that eye of ugin is an extremely clunky card, whereas Academy Ruins taps for mana and allows him to recur Batterskull, Wurmcoil Engine.
1300/r/spikes
1301/u/thedovelamenting
130210/07/2014, 14:20:22
1303NB: if you do go down this road I would strongly recommend playing an additional land (probably another Seachrome Coast) because Eye of Ugin, unlike Academy Ruins, does not tap for mana. 
1304/r/spikes
1305/u/thedovelamenting
130610/07/2014, 12:46:03
1307further thoughts - for consistency you could just cut the Wraths altogether & play Timely Reinforcements, Engineered Explosives, and & some other solid anti-aggro card (maybe just another Reinforcements?)? It would certainly avoid a lot of clunkiness.
1308
1309Re the manabase, I'd also go -1 Colonnade + 1 Seachrome Coast - you have a lot of late-game power anyway so Colonnade is less necessary but being able to cast your early interaction can be key.
1310/r/spikes
1311/u/thedovelamenting
131210/07/2014, 12:27:41
1313re your specific list - I think not playing 4 Expedition Maps is madness, since getting Tron online is pretty boss. Cut a Thirst for Knowledge or something? I also think that the 1 Serum Visions looks a bit sad and would be much better off as Repeal or something like that (gas both early and late-game). 
1314
1315Godless Shrine seems good (necessary actually, going without seems very bad), and 24 lands is probably OK given the two scrylands. 
1316
1317I think you've pretty much addressed the consistency issues - the deck just will lose to itself a reasonable percentage of the time, which is why I'm not in love with it. You have a lot of clunky cards to begin with, and then that is compounded by a clunky manabase, and the fact that not having black (for Lili) means that you can't get rid of your clunky cards should you draw them. 
1318
1319One tweak to help you out versus UR Delver would be a) cut Serum Visions for Repeal and b) cut one of the wraths for Engineered Explosives. Maybe Verdict since that is the roughest on your manabase? Or maybe just Day, since Verdict is actually good vs that deck if you can get the mana working?
1320
1321Have you looked into Mono-U Tron? It sacrifices some power for a lot more consistency, whilst still having an excellent endgame. 
1322/r/spikes
1323/u/thedovelamenting
132410/07/2014, 11:32:45
1325I don't know if Grave Titan over Iona is as clear-cut as other people are making out. Iona is an "I win the game" button (or very close to it) to press vs Storm, Burn, Scapeshift, Jund - she also works vs Twin (as does Elesh), whereas Titan does next to nothing in all those match ups bar Jund. Test both, but despite the fact that Iona is dead quite a lot when she's good she nearly always wins the game on the spot. And Gifts lacks "I win" buttons, so Iona providing that can be really nice. 
1326
1327I would not cut Thoughtseize for Pack Rat - the latter is massively better when aided by the former, so you'll be boarding them in together a lot. 
1328
1329Crime/Punishment is definitely very good and worth testing - it does nasty things versus Affinity as well as being a solid sweeper in general.  You may find that making WW for Day of Judgment is challenging, so Crime/Punishment could be good in that slot. Consume the Meek is another strong option (instant-speed is SWEET).
1330/r/spikes
1331/u/thedovelamenting
133209/07/2014, 02:06:16
1333I don't think you need E-Wit: just build the deck so that for most spots you can Gifts for 2 cards that do the thing you need, Snapcaster, and one other random card (usually Lingering Souls). She's a bit rough on the mana and quite slow. 
1334
1335Re Negate + Countersquall, you may find that Remand is just better in that slot. It hard counters Snapcaster targets and is a great way to stall into Gifts in the early game. Test both. There's this myth that Remand is only good in tempo - not true, not in a Snapcaster format and particularly not true when you're trying to stall into Gifts. 
1336
1337Other tweaks - I don't like Timely Reinforcements main. It's amazing vs Jund & Burn but very mediocre elsewhere - Pod doesn't care a lot of the time, and even the format's premier aggro deck - Affinity - doesn't care either because Cranial Plating does so much damage, and usually in the air, or even on Inkmoth. Maybe another Snapcaster?
1338
1339Per others, Reflecting Pool, Tec Edge, Ghost Quarter, and Academy Ruins is just too greedy. The Pool and maybe the Tec Edge should be Tar Pits. 
1340
1341Now, the sideboard. 3 Shadow of Doubt? 3? I really don't see the logic here - Shadow of Doubt is a very marginal card to begin with that gets massively worse once they know about it. If you want to get people, I'd play Pack Rat. You have lots of stuff you don't care about discarding, and Rat allows you to attack in such a way that completely dodges the usual GY hate for Gifts. It really helps in some dodgy matchups like Tron, and it makes Pod cry. 
1342
13433 Stony Silence is also too much, it is really not that insane at all vs Pod. It does wreck Affinity and is decent vs Tron, but you get diminishing returns (obviously), and I'd stick with 2. Your maindeck should be very reasonable versus Affinity anyway - Darkblast is great, Elesh finishes them, Abrupt Decay kills Plating, etc. 
1344/r/spikes
1345/u/thedovelamenting
134608/07/2014, 12:31:22
1347In general, the consensus seems to have been arrived at that KoTR is a bit pants. The Salvation thread has split into two camps; the guys who cut BoP and jam 4 Goyf (essentially playing B/G rock with a Gifts finish - the blue and white are just a splash) and the guys playing proper 4cc control. I would not be caught dead playing Goyf (not because I think it's bad, though I do think there are better Goyf decks), but I think that is the best alternative to your list, not KoTR. Just so you know!
1348
1349That said, based on my experience playing Esper Gifts (see here http://www.reddit.com/r/spikes/comments/29zzf1/gifts_at_the_ptq/), I think discard would be good with Goyfs and countermagic is better if you go without. Discard really wants pressure to follow it up, countermagic is more generally applicable and gives you more time to find Gifts. 
1350
1351Noxious Revival is also a bit pants. Just build your Gifts piles so you can do without. 
1352
13533 Liliana is a LOT, particularly seeing as you have Raven's crime to discard your fatties should you be so unlucky as to draw them. She is bad vs Pod, Affinity, and only OK vs Twin. I'd shave 1 for another Lingering Souls. 
1354
1355So, on balance, I have: -1 Liliana, -2 Inquisition of Kozilek, -1 Noxious Revival, -1 Negate:
1356
1357+1 Lingering Souls, + 3 Mana Leak, + 1 Countersquall (dude, how did you miss this one!!).
1358
1359No idea if that's optimized, but it should provide a good basis for testing.
1360
1361Most importantly of all - should we not be talking about sideboards?
1362/r/spikes
1363/u/thedovelamenting
136407/07/2014, 18:37:53
1365Re Pack Rat - back in Theros standard before BoTG I was playing - and doing well with - a Dimir deck that was grindy UB control (with Aetherling/Prog Sphinx as wincons, Ashiok + Jace as walkers), that sideboarded often into a playset of Pack Rats to surprise people. Ironically, Shouta Yasooka independently came up with a very similar list at the same time and top 8ed a GP with it (Shouta had a few less Ashioks and had Master of Waves main). 
1366
1367So I was already quite familiar with the idea of a Pack Rat transformational sideboard, and one of my friends suggested it for Gifts, so I jumped on the train. It dodges the GY hate that people love to board in and allows you be proactive in a completely unusual way that postboard they will not be prepared for. 
1368
1369Pack Rat only showed up seriously vs 5cc Gifts, where it won me a round that would otherwise have been almost entirely unwinnable, but I really wanted it to show a bit more often. Had it been in my opener or even first couple draw steps vs Mono U Tron in G3 I would have won very easily.  I need to test it in a a lot more matchups, but it seems like it could be good postboard vs UWR and Pod, assuming you have enough cheap disruption as well to stop them going off. 
1370
1371Ironically, the really bad matchups for Esper Gifts are those where they are just more grindy than you are, with better inevitability. This is essentially why all forms of Tron are so rough. Sometimes UWR can also sideboard into annoying configurations that outgrind you (if they, or indeed anyone, ever resolve Keranos, you're on a hiding to nothing).  Pack Rat solves this problem by just killing them dead. 
1372/r/spikes
1373/u/thedovelamenting
137407/07/2014, 16:26:14
1375I used to play 4cc Gifts when Deathrite was legal, but since then I like having good mana without having to play Sylvan Caryatid (such a mopey card in Modern). 
1376
1377Spreading Seas is good vs UWR - you board it in to deal with Colonnade. Also vs Tron of course. And Jund because it deals with Raging Ravine. Plus Jund's mana is terrible so you can genuinely manascrew them. In fact they come in A LOT.
1378
13794 man lands is completely fine. They fix the mana as well, and you have to win the game somehow. 
1380
1381The removal suite is great - having maindeck Wraths + Elesh means you don't need an insane amount. Darkblast is BONKERS in Modern, it kills everything (Pestermite, Confidant, BoP, Hierarch, Mindcensor, Clique, Snapcaster, Delver, Young Pyromancer, every creature in Affinity). You can even kill x/2s by casting it in your upkeep and dredging it back using your draw step. I wouldn't fault anyone for cutting the Repeal for a Go for the Throat or something, or shaving Engineered Explosives for Black Sun's Zenith (to make that Gifts package better), but I like having flexible answers (like Repeal & EE) which are great in an open metagame. 
1382
1383Stony Silence is good versus Tron. Not game-winning, but turning off Map, O-Stone, and the eggs is all big game. You need pressure as well though. So Pack Rat seems awesome in that matchup. 
1384
1385Tron is easily the worst matchup though, with R/G Tron being particularly bad. Game 1 vs R/G tron is very close to being unwinnable. Postboard you take out something like Iona, Elesh, 2 Lingering Souls, Repeal, Smother, all the wraths, and jam Terastodon, Spreading Seas, Pack Rat, Stony Silence, Spell Pierce, Thoughtseize, Duress. It gets better, but still, FU Tron. 
1386/r/spikes
1387/u/thedovelamenting
138807/07/2014, 01:10:04
1389Yep. This is based off Chapin's list, as you can probably tell, but I've changed it a lot to account for a meta that's far more grindy/midrangey and much less based around Zoo. He was base U/W - I've gone base U/B to make Liliana fit, upped the Lingering Souls count, cut hand disruption for countermagic, and fiddled with the removal suite.
1390
1391The graveyard hate is fine just so long as you remember people will board it in. That's what the Batterskull and Sphinx's Revelation are for. I quite frequently cut 1x Gifts postboard, especially on the draw. I've had Rest in Peace cast against me a lot, but never had it do anything. Scavenging Ooze is not a serious issue in the slightest. 
1392
1393On the other hand, you are 1000% correct that the deck does NOT mulligan well. Often times you have to keep seven-card hands that include Elesh/Iona if your other six are decent, because that "six" is still better than a lot of real sixes you can get - if you draw Elesh/Iona again on a mull to 6 you are really screwed. Besides, there's always storage lands to the rescue!
1394
1395(for the confused, Chapin's original list that he almost played at the PT is here: http://www.starcitygames.com/article/27983_Dredge-Gifts-In-Modern.html)
1396/r/spikes
1397/u/thedovelamenting
139806/06/2014, 01:41:57
1399yeah, there is probably a base-black Esper deck that plays hand disruption, Lingering Souls, Liliana, Gifts for Iona/Elesh, Cryptic, etc, etc, etc. I have something similar built but it's more UW splash B with an emphasis on countermagic over discard. 
1400
1401I agree you have to do SOMETHING proactive in these decks and Gifts is by far the best way to do it. Mystical Teachings is waaayyy too durdly. 
1402
1403Something like:
1404
1405*3 Snapcaster Mage
1406
1407*2 Inquisition of Kozilek
1408
1409*2 Thoughtseize
1410
1411*3 Mana Leak
1412
1413*3 Dismember
1414
1415*1 Repeal
1416
1417*1 Smother
1418
1419*1 Go for the Throat
1420
1421*1 Think Twice
1422
1423*2 Liliana of the Veil 
1424
1425*3 Lingering Souls
1426
1427*2 Cryptic Command
1428
1429*4 Gifts Ungiven
1430
1431*1 Unburial Rites
1432
1433*1 Elesh Norn
1434
1435*1 Iona 
1436
1437*1 Damnation
1438
1439*1 Engineered Explosives
1440
1441*1 Black Sun's Zenith
1442
14433 Creeping Tar Pit
1444
14451 Celestial Colonnade
1446
14471 Dreadship Reef
1448
14491 Calciform Pools
1450
14512 River of Tears
1452
14534 Marsh Flats
1454
14552 Misty Rainforest
1456
14572 Hallowed Fountain
1458
14592 Sunken Ruins
1460
14612 Watery Grave
1462
14631 Godless Shrine
1464
14651 Vault of the Archangel
1466
14671 Island
1468
14691 Plains
1470
14711 Swamp
1472
14731 Snow-Covered Island
1474
1475sideboard can be whatever and that maindeck is not horrible at least.
1476/r/ModernMagic
1477/u/thedovelamenting
147806/06/2014, 01:17:22
1479this is almost just strictly worse than usual Storm lists. It's almost impossible to imagine a meta where it would be as good, let alone an improvement. 
1480/r/ModernMagic
1481/u/thedovelamenting
148206/06/2014, 01:15:03
1483If you want to play Tron then either R/G with maindeck Spellskites or mono U is probably best. R/G is a pretty derpy boring deck, but whatever, some perverts like that kind of thing, and it does hose most of the midrange decks pretty hard. Struggles vs aggro (Zoo/Affinity) and Twin though, so hence the Skites. I wouldn't bother with Emrakul. 
1484
1485There's one streamer who's been crushing on MTGO with mono U Tron, and his list seems pretty sick. http://magic.tcgplayer.com/db/deck.asp?deck_id=1201681 - no idea what the matchups are like but I'd guess he has game against everything, though Affinity looks rough (no sideboard Hurykl's Recall?)
1486
1487Those are probably the only two builds worth bothering with and if people want to really hose you, they can - the hate is out there. It's why Tron will always be something of a meta call. Fundamentally if you have to play 4 Expedition Map to make your deck do anything on time it indicates a core vulnerability that cannot be solved with the tools currently at hand. 
1488/r/ModernMagic
1489/u/thedovelamenting
149005/06/2014, 03:08:39
1491I think it will happen. People remember Jace for the period when he dominated standard and eventually got banned, but for a decent stretch he was just one good strategy amongst many. Eventually I think they can get Modern to a place where Jace is OK. He'd be especially fine if they unbanned Bloodbraid at the same time. There's Thoughtseize, Bolt, and lots of cheap countermagic to keep him in line anyway, plus aggro decks that don't really care like Affinity (oh, and Tron). Blue control would get better and he is really solid vs stuff like Jund. 
1492
1493I guess the concern is that he gives decks like Twin and Scapeshift another wincon that's also a card drawer, but those decks are pretty fun and easy to interact with anyway. 
1494
1495I think it would be pretty cool also to ban fetches and unban Jace. That would be another very solid way to make him fair if you want to keep Bloodbraid banned - Brainstorm is way worse without reliable shuffle effects, and banning fetches would also constrain Jace to the  two-colour base-blue decks he is supposed to go in, rather than him just becoming the pillar of a million and one 3-colour goodstuff decks.
1496
1497(edit: Stoneforge is way more busted than Jace, for comparison)
1498/r/HBD
1499/u/thedovelamenting
150021/02/2014, 23:34:28
1501Good grief, you are talking a lot of nonsense. Stochastic gene expression explains, it is argued by Kevin Mitchell and others, why monozygotic twins do not display even higher concordance for traits than they actually do, despite being near-clones and sharing an incredibly similar environment. But in fact the high MZ twin concordance of IQ and other traits shows that phenotypes are the result of both heritable variations in DNA sequence & developmental noise (ignoring the external environment temporarily), but largely the former, not the latter (although it does play a role). In fact, we do not know how great a role noise plays in the development of behavioural traits, so you are just making things up (though I agree it must play some).
1502
1503Moreover you seem to be confusing stochastic gene expression with epigenetic effects. The former is just random genetic developmental variance which means that small differences between clones do arise in any environment, to a greater or lesser degree depending on mutational load and other factors. Epigenetic effects are direct effects of the environment on gene expression which are most certainly not random (or at least, that is one definition. In fact there at least 3 rather different meanings of this troublesome word "epigenetics", but I am going to stick with the above definition since that is perhaps the most commonly used).
1504
1505 I am not denying that such effects exist, but it is highly unlikely to be the case that they play a major role in the development of adult IQs, since otherwise adoption studies would very likely not show a concordance of zero between the IQs of adopted & biological siblings. So as for your supposed "environmental trigger", where is it in the lives of Newton, Faraday, or George Washington Carver? And as for missing heritability, we've barely got started with the search.
1506
1507So far as I can make any sense out of your extraordinarily confusing and bizarre post, it is that you are talking arrant nonsense.
1508/r/HBD
1509/u/thedovelamenting
151021/02/2014, 14:43:50
1511In theory, yes. In practice, this is not actually the case (as the authors themselves say). Heritabilities of human behavioural traits do tend to generalise pretty well between groups; genetic influence shows remarkable stability between groups and over time. This is a purely empirical question that has been fairly well established by now, though debate still rumbles on about (say) the heritability of IQ differing between social classes; some older studies show lower heritability in lower SES groups, but more modern research perhaps tends not to (Plomin's population-representative massive TEDS project did not find an SES-heritability interaction in the UK). 
1512
1513The point about mean changes in the population over time also needs to be taken with a pinch of salt. In practice heritability probably does constrain the possibility for non-genetic change somewhat, as Sesardic discusses very well in his excellent book. People always tend to point to PKU at this point, but the heritability of PKU is still 100%, just as it ever was - we have simply come up with a method for ameliorating the major effect (mental retardation).
1514/r/HBD
1515/u/thedovelamenting
151619/02/2014, 10:28:08
1517It took them forever to figure out just how massive their sample sizes needed to be to get round the problem of unreplicable false positives (amongst other issues). 
1518/r/AcademicPsychology
1519/u/thedovelamenting
152031/01/2014, 18:25:31
1521The problem is that it will be extremely rare for kids to be adopted from non-spanking families into spanking ones. It's similar to how we have done big adoption studies on what happens to intelligence when black kids are adopted into white families, but no one has looked at what happens the other way around, because it's simply not possible to do that research. 
1522/r/AcademicPsychology
1523/u/thedovelamenting
152431/01/2014, 13:39:44
1525My own feeling is that nearly all the research in this area is uniformly terrible. There is a massive genetic confound present that almost none of the studies looking at this bother to control for. It's not enough to show worse outcomes in kids whose parents hit them: the kids share genes with their parents, so it's very likely that whatever genes predispose parents to hit their children also are linked to worse outcomes in the kids. Lower-IQ parents (hypothetical example) might be more likely to hit their kids and also more likely to have lower-IQ, low-achieving kids. That doesn't mean the spanking actually had any long-term effects: the shared genes are the underlying factor affecting both the spanking and the child outcomes.
1526/r/AdviceAnimals
1527/u/thedovelamenting
152824/01/2014, 16:14:10
1529If you are 17 years old, which it looks like you are, it seems highly unlikely you've actually been trying to get a girlfriend for the last 17 years.
1530
1531The reason to be basically decent to people is because it's the ethical thing to do, not because it will get you laid. 
1532/r/IAmA
1533/u/thedovelamenting
153407/01/2014, 17:49:37
1535Many thanks for doing the AMA.
1536
1537What are your plans for further education? Are you planning to do an undergraduate degree? If so, in which field? And how will you avoid being bored stiff by work which is well below your level of achievement and ability (which would be near 100% of an undergraduate psychology course)? 
1538
1539What are the major directions you see intelligence research taking in the next 20 years? Which major controversies will be settled, and which will we be still be arguing over?
1540/r/AcademicPsychology
1541/u/thedovelamenting
154231/12/2013, 10:58:02
1543This might be true of Hitler or Mao, but it is certainly not true of Stalin. Bukharin, his principal victim in the Moscow show trials, realized (too late) that Stalin had no principles at all, and "he changes his theories according to whom he needs to get rid of next". His sole principle seems to have been the exclusive pursuit and maintenance of power.
1544/r/psychology
1545/u/thedovelamenting
154627/12/2013, 00:33:52
1547Minor point - Rushton never claimed race differences were immutable. Evolution is a thing, after all!
1548
1549While Rushton's career will always be largely remembered for his race research, that is not the whole story, and I feel his considerable contributions to the fields of personality and evolutionary psychology do not get the credit they deserve as a result. 
1550/r/psychology
1551/u/thedovelamenting
155226/12/2013, 19:30:33
1553At a guess, personality tests have become popular in job applications largely because the Supreme Court mostly banned the use of IQ tests (which have far greater predictive validity regards job performance, particularly for more cognitively demanding jobs). 
1554/r/AskReddit
1555/u/thedovelamenting
155617/12/2013, 15:35:09
1557I cried watching Mikayo Yoshida perform the lead role in Henze/Ashton's ballet Ondine, many years ago at Covent Garden. Guess I would have been about 14?
1558
1559More recently I remember watching a screening of Gotterdammerung with an older friend of mine (he's 60s, I'm early 20s). After nearly 4 hours of incredible music and drama he broke down and cried gently as the music overflowed in the final bars. I said nothing, and gently put my hand on his shoulder. 
1560/r/AcademicPsychology
1561/u/thedovelamenting
156202/12/2013, 12:18:51
1563My relatively uninformed opinion is that if parental attachment is so vital to the development of adult personality, psychopathology, whatever, then it ought to show up as a substantial "shared environment" chunk of variance in behavioural genetic analyses of personality traits, mental illness, etc. 
1564/r/AcademicPsychology
1565/u/thedovelamenting
156608/11/2013, 01:35:35
1567You might enjoy this: http://drjamesthompson.blogspot.co.uk/2013/11/reporters-and-researchers-on-crack.html
1568/r/psychology
1569/u/thedovelamenting
157007/11/2013, 16:55:31
1571On a related note a number of studies have shown that skin reflectance is a more powerful predictor of national IQ than anything else. 
1572/r/IntelligenceStudies
1573/u/thedovelamenting
157401/11/2013, 10:47:55
1575re Finnish education, check out http://edpolicy.stanford.edu/sites/default/files/publications/secret-finland’s-success-educating-teachers.pdf for a good summary. Note how competitive the selection process is even for primary school teachers and how the selection process leaves a population of highly intelligent and charismatic people entering the field. 
1576/r/IntelligenceStudies
1577/u/thedovelamenting
157831/10/2013, 16:17:11
1579A few notes: there are next to no data as to what the actual average IQ of a teacher in the UK is, but in the USA extrapolating IQ scores from WORSDUM results from the General Social Survey gives a mean high school teacher IQ of 107 (population norm 100, standard deviation 15). If these results are replicated in the UK (dear God someone badly needs to do this research!), my comments about the problems caused by what I guesstimate to be middle-of-the-bell-curve teacher IQ are probably valid enough. 
1580
1581See http://anepigone.blogspot.co.uk/2009/08/additional-information-on-iq-of.html and http://inductivist.blogspot.co.uk/2009/08/what-is-typical-teachers-iq-reader.html
1582
1583/r/IntelligenceStudies
1584/u/thedovelamenting
158528/10/2013, 19:59:48
1586This is probably the best piece to point someone to who claims that intelligence is purely a classroom phenomenon, lacking any predictive validity outside of academia. 
1587/r/IntelligenceStudies
1588/u/thedovelamenting
158922/10/2013, 19:41:33
1590Dominic Cummings, an outgoing special adviser to Education Secretary Michael Gove, has written this scurrilous paper that, amongst other things, discusses the taboo subjects of IQ, genetics, and education. Predictably enough, it shocked the Guardian. It is, of course, entirely fascinating and very well-written, incorporating a vast sweep of topics in a unifying theme. Well worth the read.
1591/r/psychology
1592/u/thedovelamenting
159317/10/2013, 21:14:09
1594Multiple intelligences is not a scientifically verifiable theory in any sense of the word; it is not supported by any psychometric work such as factor analysis. Moreover at least 4 of Gardner's "multiple intelligences" inter-correlate highly with one another and give rise to a general factor identical to Spearman's g, and one of them is simply not a mental ability and perhaps dubiously worthy of the term intelligence. The academic field that studies individual differences more or less entirely ignores Gardner's work. 
1595/r/psychology
1596/u/thedovelamenting
159717/10/2013, 20:50:38
1598No, I am not lambasting anyone. My point is that in general the teen parents in the UK are going to be of somewhat lower intelligence than the population mean ON AVERAGE, since there is a strong negative correlation between IQ and fertility and a strong positive correlation between IQ and age at first childbirth (Neiss M, Rowe DC, Rodgers JL. Does education mediate the relationship between IQ and age of first birth? A behavioural genetic analysis. Journal of Biosocial Science. 2002;34:259–275.)
1599
1600This is reflected in the below-average IQs of their offspring. If you have evidence to refute my point you are welcome to present it. 
1601/r/psychology
1602/u/thedovelamenting
160317/10/2013, 20:43:59
1604Your post is just completely ascientific. It's essentially a big IDONTLIKEIT.
1605
1606Standardized tests are normed on random samples of the population they are going to be used on. Therefore the standards of any test are obviously relevant to a certain place and time. This does not mean that the test is biased; it simply means that no one ever got an intelligence test score except by comparison with other people. Clearly scores are relative. If you want to rank my ability as a tennis player, compare me to Rafael Nadal, who is roughly my age. You obviously can't compare me to William Renshaw or Lottie Dod for a whole host of reasons. 
1607
1608Discriminating between persons - ranking them - is simply what tests do. We have a need for them in schools, in the military, in a wide variety of fields. This is every bit as true for tests of personality - of temperament - as it is for tests of intelligence. Intelligence is a discrete mental trait with good correlations to differences in neuroanatomy; the different levels of it that people possess may be accurately measured. I'm not really sure what you're getting at here. 
1609/r/psychology
1610/u/thedovelamenting
161117/10/2013, 20:14:24
1612This is just completely wrong. IQ tests are not a test of culture, whatever that means; they are attempting to measure a universal human trait; general intelligence, mental ability, whatever you want to call it. You are confusing what IQ tests measure with how they measure. Traditional Binet-type tests do include some culturally-loaded information, such as vocabulary, since these have been found to be good measures of intelligence. Obviously these tests are inappropriate for people new to a particular language and may not translate well across different language groups.
1613
1614That is, however, why we have developed culture-reduced IQ tests that contain no verbal content such as Raven's Progressive Matrices, as well as measures of reaction and inspection time, tests that measure performance on elementary cognitive tasks which correlate highly with the results of traditional IQ tests. These latter "Galton-type" tests may be thought of perhaps as an attempt to measure genotypic intelligence, free of nearly all environmental context. 
1615/r/psychology
1616/u/thedovelamenting
161717/10/2013, 20:10:42
1618You may be right ;)
1619/r/psychology
1620/u/thedovelamenting
162117/10/2013, 20:06:44
1622Of course but it's bidirectional. IQ is clearly influenced by the environment but individuals, particularly adults, tend to construct their own environments according to their genotype, and that includes their genetic intellectual potential. 
1623/r/psychology
1624/u/thedovelamenting
162517/10/2013, 17:10:43
1626Oh Jesus. 
1627
1628Pretty much every study ever on IQ and fertility shows that high IQ mothers have fewer children and they have them later in life, on average. This "likely due to social factors" crap is just BS. The children of teen mothers are mostly doing worse on these tests because their parents are very likely not of high IQ themselves, as we can witness because, without wishing to be rude, becoming a teen parent is a pretty short-sighted and bad decision, and the heritability of IQ is really very high indeed. 
1629
1630(note; in the UK there is not much religion and teen pregnancy is far more closely connected with SES than elsewhere, so Herrstein's syllogism applies here more than usual)
1631/r/psychology
1632/u/thedovelamenting
163315/10/2013, 11:33:50
1634So I know this is from 1999, but I thought in the wake of the recent furore over the DSM-V it might be worth posting. Krueger and his school have published many more recent papers since in this line of research; some of them are listed here if you care to research this further: http://www.psychology.sunysb.edu/psychology/index.php?people/faculty/neaton
1635
1636The fundamental unsoundness of many psychiatric categories of disorder are highlighted by the factor analysis here showing extreme high intercorrelations between different disorders, reducing 10 common conditions down to 2/3 underlying general factors. I am unaware if anyone had previously applied factor analytic techniques to mental disorders, but if not that is a pretty stunning indictment of the field. 
1637
1638Readers may also be interested in this related analysis here: http://drjamesthompson.blogspot.co.uk/2013/09/bad-blood.html
1639/r/psychology
1640/u/thedovelamenting
164112/10/2013, 09:06:53
1642That really shouldn't be the case, given that a whopping majority of the environmental factors that affect the phenotypes of temperament and intelligence are of the within-family type, not the between-family type. 
1643/r/psychology
1644/u/thedovelamenting
164512/10/2013, 09:05:49
1646The first paragraph is wrong.
1647/r/psychology
1648/u/thedovelamenting
164911/10/2013, 17:01:36
1650Neuroticism is highly related to anxiety and also highly heritable, so the claim that differences between individuals in anxiety levels are only minimally genetically influenced is obvious balderdash. Googling "heritability of anxiety" gives a flood of twin studies extracting genetic and environmental factors in phenotype variance. 
1651/r/IntelligenceStudies
1652/u/thedovelamenting
165303/10/2013, 14:54:36
1654So the usual principles are shown of higher environmental inequality = lower heritability, but I liked the school environment inclusive approach here, since that includes peer group in environmental influences, something that isn't studied quite enough I think.
1655/r/IntelligenceStudies
1656/u/thedovelamenting
165702/10/2013, 12:15:50
1658I'll keep an eye out for studies that have explored whether or not these correlations turn up within as well as between families. Actually I might shoot Ian Deary an email, since this is pretty much exactly his area. 
1659
1660On a related note, I recently came across some interesting research in psychiatry exploring the idea of a general factor, or factors, of mental illness/psychopathy/overall crazy, since so many disorders have such high rates of co-morbidity and while heredity of specific disorders is quite low, heredity of severe mental illness as an overarching category is really quite high.
1661
1662Links for info: http://drjamesthompson.blogspot.co.uk/2013/09/bad-blood.html
1663
1664Robert Krueger and others have done lots of interesting work that uses many techniques of psychometrics: http://www.psych.umn.edu/people/facultyprofile.php?UID=krueg038
1665
1666http://www.psychology.sunysb.edu/psychology/index.php?people/faculty/neaton
1667
1668So a general factor of underlying fitness balanced against a general factor (or factors) of underlying instability? 
1669
1670/r/IntelligenceStudies
1671/u/thedovelamenting
167201/10/2013, 18:11:45
1673my thoughts on this copied from elsewhere:
1674
1675"And as usual in much of social science, no mention is made of Herrstein's syllogism or any possibility of genetic transmission of ability. Furthermore the whole thing seems to arise because of a confusion over the nature of intelligence tests. Intelligence does not equal vocabulary. Intelligence tests include vocabulary tests because vocabulary has been found to be a very accurate measure of intelligence. But this does not mean that intelligence equals vocabulary, any more than intelligence tests that take the form of reaction time measures imply that intelligence is the ability to push a button quickly.
1676
1677No mention is made also of other sources of vocabulary that children might have access too, such as peer groups, television, and teachers, and the ethical concerns of guilt-tripping low-income parents like Shurand by implying that their parenting stunts, or would have stunted their children were it not for these benevolent researchers, are completely brushed under the carpet.
1678
1679The title is entirely misleading. The high heritability of intelligence - up to 0.8 by early adulthood - shows that children emphatically are born smart. So tl;dr - this is all a waste of money. The kids will be alright anyway."
1680/r/psychology
1681/u/thedovelamenting
168201/10/2013, 17:27:11
1683Learning styles are probably a bit beyond my pay grade but I can talk about Gardner-esque "multiple intelligences" for sure, assuming that's what you mean?
1684/r/psychology
1685/u/thedovelamenting
168601/10/2013, 10:57:42
1687And as usual in much of social science, no mention is made of Herrstein's syllogism or any possibility of genetic transmission of ability. Furthermore the whole thing seems to arise because of a confusion over the nature of intelligence tests. Intelligence does not equal vocabulary. Intelligence tests include vocabulary tests because vocabulary has been found to be a very accurate measure of intelligence. But this does not mean that intelligence equals vocabulary, any more than intelligence tests that take the form of reaction time measures imply that intelligence is the ability to push a button quickly.
1688
1689No mention is made also of other sources of vocabulary that children might have access too, such as peer groups, television, and teachers, and the ethical concerns of guilt-tripping low-income parents like Shurand by implying that their parenting stunts, or would have stunted their children were it not for these benevolent researchers, are completely brushed under the carpet.
1690
1691The title is entirely misleading. The high heritability of intelligence - up to 0.8 by early adulthood - shows that children emphatically are born smart. So tl;dr - this is all a waste of money. The kids will be alright anyway. 
1692/r/IntelligenceStudies
1693/u/thedovelamenting
169427/09/2013, 15:17:57
1695Essentially this finds zero relationship, after regression analysis, between national levels of inbreeding and national IQ, which is interesting because at the individual level there is a well-established genetic depression effect  caused by consanguinity. The discussion is definitely worth reading. 
1696/r/IntelligenceStudies
1697/u/thedovelamenting
169827/09/2013, 10:30:50
1699Well, it's actually quite reasonable since SAT scores (and exam results in general) correlate highly with the results of intelligence tests); in the jargon, they are highly g-loaded. So take it with a pinch of salt, but the procedure they've used is probably fair enough. 
1700/r/psychology
1701/u/thedovelamenting
170219/09/2013, 09:42:26
1703No, I didn't say that black role models would increase stereotype threat. What I said that was explicit encouragement of black role models potentially could (I admit I could be wrong about this), because it reinforces the stereotype of black people being particularly short of role models in a particular area. 
1704
1705In the case of affirmative action, you and I may think that it is a reasonable compensation for unfair disadvantage, but this may not be the perception of everyone else. It could easily, even on a subconscious level, contribute to the stereotype of black underachievement relative to other groups, and not just in the minds of racists. Again, I am not saying this does happen universally, but it certainly could. 
1706
1707And kindly get lost with your allegation of racism. We both know perfectly well the black/white test score gap is real. That is not racism, that is fact. It is a perfectly reasonable inference that the best way to eliminate stereotype threat would be to eliminate, or at least seriously reduce, the test score gap itself. In my opinion stereotype threat cannot be a credible explanation for more than a very small percentage of that and other achievement gaps; the view that it is a credible explanation is an illusion caused by a large number of studies deliberately picking participants from minority and majority groups who are matched on test scores. It is a red herring that takes attention away from more serious environmental causes of test score differences.
1708/r/psychology
1709/u/thedovelamenting
171019/09/2013, 00:31:19
1711But by stereotype threat logic, affirmative action itself contributes to stereotype threat. If you explicitly encourage black role models because they are black, then this also contributes to stereotypes and ensuing threat. Stereotypes themselves, contra to popular myth, are nearly always based on some reasonably accurate perception of reality (Pinker talks about this in The Blank Slate). As far as I can see, the only way to eliminate stereotype threat is to eliminate the actual cause of the stereotype (in the example above, the real and persistent difference between black/white test scores).
1712/r/psychology
1713/u/thedovelamenting
171418/09/2013, 20:05:05
1715See my post above (but yes, the Wikipedia article is a good start). 
1716/r/psychology
1717/u/thedovelamenting
171818/09/2013, 19:25:27
1719Another problem with stereotype threat; if stereotype threat is only thought to apply in localized high-pressure testing situations (like standardized exams such as SAT or intelligence tests) but not in other tests of performance such as coursework, then the former (high-pressure) tests ought to have significantly lower predictive validity for minority groups. This prediction has been empirically disconfirmed. So either stereotype threat is omnipresent in all tasks requiring mental effort, or its effects have been significantly overstated. 
1720/r/psychology
1721/u/thedovelamenting
172218/09/2013, 19:06:09
1723Well pitch discrimination is correlated with intelligence, so I'm not entirely surprised to find a further link between musical and other cognitive abilities. 
1724/r/psychology
1725/u/thedovelamenting
172618/09/2013, 18:54:18
1727I'm fairly sure that this page is completely misleading and is not what Steele and Aaronson actually showed. S&A showed, or purported to show, that stereotype threat made black Americans perform worse on cognitive tests than you would normally expect based on their SAT scores. What they did not show was that an absence of stereotype threat reduced the difference between blacks and whites in test scores to anything less than the 1 standard deviation that is typically reported. See Sackett et al here: http://psycnet.apa.org/?&fa=main.doiLanding&doi=10.1037/0003-066X.59.1.7
1728
1729Moreover, there are considerable problems inherent in positing stereotype threat as a primary cause of black/white score differences. Not only does the research simply not justify this conclusion, but a logical consequence would be that you could never put black people in any situation where they know they will be judged on their mental performance without drastically lowering their performance. In my opinion this is very much a red herring when it comes to test score discrepancies.
1730
1731
1732/r/IntelligenceStudies
1733/u/thedovelamenting
173418/09/2013, 13:57:46
1735More cognitive epidemiology; this is from the same issue as the the semen quality and IQ study. It's open access so I won't do a major summary, but this study does show that intelligence clearly does directly impact health outcomes regardless of whether or not intelligence and health are both expressions of a hypothetical general fitness factor (which is an intriguing idea). It's pretty impressive that the highest quartile of IQ was 2.5 times more likely to persist with medication than the lowest. 
1736/r/psychology
1737/u/thedovelamenting
173818/09/2013, 00:30:04
1739http://lmgtfy.com/?q=music+psychology - enjoy. 
1740/r/IntelligenceStudies
1741/u/thedovelamenting
174217/09/2013, 19:03:13
1743Bonus radio interview with Plomin here: 
1744
1745http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b0377078
1746
1747Skip to 16:30, where the interview starts. 
1748/r/education
1749/u/thedovelamenting
175017/09/2013, 17:52:16
1751The actual paper is currently under review and hasn't yet been published in a journal, hence the link to the draft version on Dr Thompson's blog. 
1752
1753Not all that surprising considering the high heritability of intelligence itself and the strong predictive validity of intelligence for academic achievement, but quite fun to read anyway.
1754/r/psychology
1755/u/thedovelamenting
175617/09/2013, 17:06:26
1757Post hoc rationalizations are not psychology, especially when they come with no evidence and are transparently pushing an agenda. 
1758/r/psychology
1759/u/thedovelamenting
176017/09/2013, 16:55:36
1761And to the surprise of no one (I would hope) GCSE results are substantially heritable. IQ is of course significantly heritable and strongly predictive of academic achievement, ergo these results. 
1762
1763The paper is currently under review and only available for now via the above blogpost, hence the link.
1764/r/IntelligenceStudies
1765/u/thedovelamenting
176617/09/2013, 15:42:37
1767This isn't really a surprise (if intelligence is largely heritable and so heavily predictive of exam grades), but pretty fun to see confirmation. I think also it's worth remembering that individual differences do not equal group differences when thinking about wider implications. 
1768/r/psychology
1769/u/thedovelamenting
177017/09/2013, 12:59:12
1771Good blogpost, though I think the biggest problem with a lot of neuroscience is simply insufficiently powered studies. There ought to be a backlash against this. See
1772
1773http://bps-research-digest.blogspot.co.uk/search?q=neuroscience+power
1774/r/IntelligenceStudies
1775/u/thedovelamenting
177617/09/2013, 12:53:36
1777Update: more on this here summarized here: http://drjamesthompson.blogspot.co.uk/2013/09/religion-as-problem-solving.html
1778/r/psychology
1779/u/thedovelamenting
178017/09/2013, 12:40:31
1781Well we know that neuroplasticity is far greater in infants and small children than it is in later life. There are cases of children functioning really quite well with an entire brain hemisphere missing. Try removing one of your hemispheres and let us know how that goes!
1782/r/IntelligenceStudies
1783/u/thedovelamenting
178417/09/2013, 11:53:37
1785The author is a leading UK researcher in the fields of intelligence, personality, and trauma, and writes with great clarity and occasionally some very funny humour. I can't recommend this highly enough. He has recently edited a special issue of Intelligence on the Flynn effect.
1786
1787Advertising over - normal service will resume shortly.
1788/r/psychology
1789/u/thedovelamenting
179016/09/2013, 23:10:24
1791I can xpost more of the stuff I put on /r/intelligencestudies here if wanted (obviously that is heavily biased towards psychometrics-related material). 
1792/r/IntelligenceStudies
1793/u/thedovelamenting
179416/09/2013, 00:42:21
1795Slight correlation, but significant (r= a bit less than .2, similar to the height/intelligence correlation). It would be interesting to see if this correlation persists within families as well as between unrelated individuals; if so, it would further support the hypothesis of a "general fitness factor", if not, it's probably another example of otherwise unrelated traits being cross-assortatively mated for. 
1796/r/IntelligenceStudies
1797/u/thedovelamenting
179830/08/2013, 18:22:57
1799tl;dr intelligence is a better predictor than education of economically-informed (or "like an economist") thought. Caplan and Miller argue that much of the civic benefit in this area of educationally-informed citizens may have been overstated if previous analyses (including Caplan's own prior work) did not separate the effects of intelligence and education. This confusion arises since IQ is so strongly predictive of length of time spent in education, and academic success. 
1800/r/psychology
1801/u/thedovelamenting
180230/08/2013, 17:24:21
1803This is a surprise...how? I think we knew already that worried, stressed people are going to perform worse than they normally would on cognitive tests of all types. This is also true for people who are not focussing fully on the task at hand, because their attention has been diverted elsewhere. Clearly such an effect is going to be greater in the less well-off if you present them with the spectre of losing what is for them a significant amount of money. 
1804
1805Am I missing something here? 
1806/r/psychology
1807/u/thedovelamenting
180830/08/2013, 16:48:08
1809Alright, confirmed troll. It's been quite funny but you can go back under the bridge now, we've all had our fun. Enough entertainment for everybody.
1810
1811(but just in case - like 0.1% probability - that there is actually a real story behind all this, your doctor is 100% spot on with the diagnosis)
1812/r/psychology
1813/u/thedovelamenting
181430/08/2013, 16:28:46
1815You don't see how that last comment might just be a touch narcissistic? No? No? Nah, thought not. 
1816/r/psychology
1817/u/thedovelamenting
181830/08/2013, 16:25:49
1819This is priceless, you couldn't make it up. Part of me almost hopes we're being trolled here and someone IS making this up, because if that is the case, Sir, well played, well played. 
1820/r/psychology
1821/u/thedovelamenting
182230/08/2013, 10:11:08
1823Yes, Pygmalion in the classroom is one of these annoying myths that will not die. Probably because it fits people's prejudices so well.
1824/r/evopsych
1825/u/thedovelamenting
182629/08/2013, 14:13:24
1827well, E.O Wilson's "Sociobiology" is more or less the original text of the wider field. 
1828/r/AcademicPsychology
1829/u/thedovelamenting
183026/08/2013, 22:47:29
1831I don't have access this second because my uni's server is kaput, but check the archives of Personality and Individual Differences. 
1832/r/psychology
1833/u/thedovelamenting
183426/08/2013, 03:41:23
1835So much nonsense here. The Spearman/Jensen g is virtually unchallenged across the entire discipline of psychometrics. It has over a century's worth of research supporting its validity. You're barking up the wrong tree here. 
1836
1837Your last paragraph is just wrong; there is a vast swathe of research showing that childhood and adolescent IQ is strongly predictive of later income, social status, and job performance. No one is saying this is the only factor involved; not even necessarily the most important factor. See http://recanati.tau.ac.il/sites/nihul.tau.ac.il/files/media_server/Recanati/management/publications/ganzach/dynamic_analysis.pdf for a recent publication on this issue, but the research on this goes back decades; for a summary see Schmidt and Hunter (1998, 2004) or Neisser et al (1996). 
1838
1839The endless inane bleating of "correlation is not causation" found on this and similar subreddits gets a bit boring after a while. Yes, sure, we know, but quite often correlation can be one hell of a hint, particularly when the correlation is between such variables as adolescent IQ and adult income. As for nutrition and IQ, it is a very mixed and confused field, but most evidence indicates that it is the quality of infant and prenatal nutrition that influences childhood IQ, albeit quite weakly, except in the case of severe and persistent malnutrition or very specific critical deficits like iodine deficiency (though even here there is some mixed evidence, like the male Dutch 18 year olds of 1962 who suffered from severe malnutrition in utero because of the famine of 1944; those 18 year olds do not show up as even a blip on Dutch IQ data). There is minimal to no evidence that improvements in nutrition to all but the worst adult diets significantly boost IQ. 
1840
1841Bring up Bobby Fischer - jeez. Since we're throwing around truisms, you do realize that the plural of anecdote is not data, and that there will always be exceptions to generally applicable rules? As in, statistics 101?
1842/r/psychology
1843/u/thedovelamenting
184426/08/2013, 02:58:29
1845Jensen said nothing of the sort, and you know it. 
1846
1847The tests could be shown to be biased in any number of different ways. They could have predictive validity for one group, but not the other. If IQ tests showed that men were significantly more intelligent than women (this is hypothetical, they don't), but then failed to predict female outcomes, or predicted them far worse than they did male outcomes, clearly the tests are biased against women (insert any other group here you like). This has all been covered in a very extensive academic literature.
1848
1849And none of this has anything to do with whether or not the concept of g is falsifiable. Straight off the bat I can say if a very wide variety of different mental tests do not produce correlated results, the idea of the g factor is nonsense. That's falsifiability for you right there.
1850
1851No one is saying the the control group in my example is more intelligent than all Romanians, just the traumatized, abused, and half-starved products of the orphanages. It could hardly be otherwise. What the modern day race and intelligence debate comes down to is to what extent the environmental differences between ethnic groups explain the IQ score differences; does environmental differences of X size explain an IQ score difference of Y size? 
1852
1853/r/psychology
1854/u/thedovelamenting
185526/08/2013, 02:16:13
1856Well, no, there is no clear definition of intelligence in common usage. But this is simply a consequence of everyday linguistic lack of clarity. What IQ tests attempt to measure, the general factor of mental ability, the Spearman/Jensen g, is well defined, stable, highly heritable, robust, has excellent predictive power, etc. 
1857
1858The best definition of g I have come across is from James Flynn (of Flynn effect fame) who explained it via a sporting analogy. We often speak of innate sporting talent, the talent that allows people excelling at one sport to be good at many others (Lottie Dod is an extreme example!). Many elite tennis players are often competent golfers, for instance; Bjorn Borg was a very decent ice hockey and ping pong player in his youth. g is, by analogy, the talent of the mind, an individual's general level of mental ability that underpins ease of achievement across a wide variety of problem-solving domains. 
1859
1860What we don't quite know yet (but much research is ongoing ) is how this psychometric construct, discerned through factor analysis and its physiological correlates, relates to what exactly goes on in the brain, or what the genes for cognitive ability are. But we're getting there - MRI has been a hugely helpful tool in one field, and genome sequencing is promising breakthroughs in the other. 
1861
1862So yes, I think it is quite clear what mental tests aim to measure. So given that something would be very wrong with society if intelligence did not correlate with economic success (in fact, if this was the usual rule, intelligence could not have evolved to its current level - if at all - because it would not convey a reproductive advantage), and given that the genes for cognitive ability are quite pleiotropic, intelligence certainly should correlate with lots of other things. So what's the problem here?
1863/r/psychology
1864/u/thedovelamenting
186526/08/2013, 02:13:31
1866Sigh.
1867
1868Of course no one is arguing that black Americans have an equal environmental background to white Americans; generally, their environmental background is worse. Since environment influences IQ, this discrepancy ought to show up in IQ scores. That does not show the tests are biased, because the g factor that the tests are trying to measure is the result of genetic and environmental factors. To use a really crude example, no one would claim IQ tests were biased if they found that the children of Romanian orphanages had lower IQ scores than a random control group. 
1869
1870I am not going to argue Jensen's character (though I think bigot is wildly unfair); if you want to argue his scholarship, please do so. 
1871/r/psychology
1872/u/thedovelamenting
187326/08/2013, 00:37:39
1874Well education, widely available contraception, and increasing female participation in the workplace probably all play a part. Smarter women are likely to use birth control with more success, perhaps be more career-orientated, have more foresight, etc. Career paths have gotten more unstable and time spent income-less in education has lengthened, but the window of female fertility hasn't increased anyway. There's probably been studies done, but it's almost midnight here and I'm flagging a bit. From memory dysgenic effects are usually higher in women than in men (i.e high IQ women are likely to have fewer children than high IQ men). 
1875
1876For theories about a previous increase in intelligence, read Gregory Clark's book A Farewell to Alms, in which he argues that from the Middle Ages onwards a faint eugenic trend meant genotypic IQ rose in England up until the Victorian era. This was because the wealthy and successful had higher reproductive rates than the poor, and much like today the wealthy and successful were likely to be of higher IQ than the rest; contrary to popular myth, meritocratic social mobility was really quite high in the Middle Ages and onwards (Clark pp.160-162). The greater reproductive success of the wealthy also meant that middle-class values cascaded down the social chain along with intelligence, because there was not enough room in the landed aristocracy for all the children they were producing. This, Clark argues, created the preconditions necessary for the Industrial Revolution and allowed England to escape the Malthusian trap, the first society ever to do so. He also argues that this is why the Industrial Revolution happened in England, and not in Japan or China, comparable societies in many respects in the Malthusian era; the Japanese and Chinese elites had birth rates not so much higher than the poor. 
1877
1878I haven't done the book justice, but that's roughly the gist of one of Clark's many brilliant and provocative arguments. It's well worth the read. 
1879/r/psychology
1880/u/thedovelamenting
188125/08/2013, 23:30:54
1882Kind of. I mean, it's pretty hard to have direct evidence (IQ measured) of dysgenic trends, given that the Flynn effect operates so much faster and in the opposite direction. The largest estimates of dysgenesis put the fall in genotypic IQ at 2 points per generation, whilst the Flynn Effect is causing IQs to rise at abouty 3 points per decade, faster in some places, slower in others. When phenotypic IQ is rising so fast IQ scores aren't going to show the fall in genotypic IQ. Unless, of course, you look at those few places where the Flynn effect has stopped, such as Scandinavia, and very recently a fall in IQ has in fact been measured in Finland:
1883
1884http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0160289613000706
1885
1886And I think Denmark also, from memory.
1887
1888And yes, analyses of fertility and intelligence repeatedly show a strong inverse correlation; higher intelligence = lower fertility. Ergo, dysgenesis, given the strong genetic influence on and heritability of IQ. Wikipedia has an OK article here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fertility_and_intelligence
1889
1890And here's some links: https://lesacreduprintemps19.files.wordpress.com/2012/12/a-jensen-effect-on-dysgenic-fertility-an-analysis-involving-the-national-longitudinal-survey-of-youth.pdf
1891
1892http://lesacreduprintemps19.files.wordpress.com/2013/05/were-the-victorians-smarter-than-us.pdf
1893
1894The references cited there should get you started. 
1895/r/psychology
1896/u/thedovelamenting
189725/08/2013, 23:16:40
1898It's pretty useless to come up with a verbal definition of intelligence when we are still working on the mathematical construct of g (the general factor of mental ability), and its physiological (particularly neuroanatomical) and wider correlates. Nor is this process you propose really necessary. Common usage decides what a word means and what it does not - linguists, cognitive scientists, and philosophers and language do not having ownership over meaning. John and Jane Doe from Brownsville (Ohio) do, for better or for worse. 
1899
1900The problem here (and throughout this entire thread) is the huge gaping gulf between the everyday common language usage of the word "intelligence" or similar words in non-English languages (the exact meaning of which is fuzzy, and probably varies quite a bit from person to person, let alone from culture to culture), and the precise, limited, mathematical g that IQ tests attempt to measure. The word "intelligence" is made to work nasty overtime attempting to cover both. 
1901/r/psychology
1902/u/thedovelamenting
190325/08/2013, 22:40:18
1904Actually group differences and the Flynn effect are shown to have different causes; group differences do tend to load on g, the Flynn effect does not. What exactly these causes are is open to debate, but the FE causes at least have to be almost wholly if not entirely environmental - the timescale is far too short for major genetic change and the overall population fertility trend has been dysgenic (in the West).
1905
1906Flynn himself has always been quick to point that the existence of the Flynn effect is not a way to dismiss group differences in intelligence; it merely illustrates problems of measurement. 
1907/r/psychology
1908/u/thedovelamenting
190925/08/2013, 21:43:35
1910Well no shit, any verbal test is biased towards those fluent in the language of the test. That is why these tests are always designed for people who share a verbal culture. Obviously a verbal IQ test may be biased against (for example) bilingual second-generation immigrant children who have imperfectly picked up the language of their country because their parents largely speak a different language back home. This is also, fortunately, why we have developed nonverbal measures of intelligence (such as Raven's or the Cattell Culture Fair) for cross-cultural comparisons and to eliminate general verbal bias. Reaction time and other similar measures also have a role to play. 
1911
1912As for racial bias, I would be interested to know what exactly is the bias inherent to Raven's matrices or reaction time tests that produces flawed results along racial lines. In fact a huge proportion of the supposed racial bias even in traditional verbal IQ tests is completely mythical, and is extensively debunked by Jensen's "Bias in mental testing". 
1913/r/psychology
1914/u/thedovelamenting
191525/08/2013, 21:08:26
1916I am not entirely sure how measures of reaction time or scores on tests such as Raven's Matrices are in any way measures of "success". Certainly nothing obvious comes to mind, yet these are widely used measures of general intelligence. 
1917/r/IntelligenceStudies
1918/u/thedovelamenting
191925/08/2013, 20:45:38
1920True true, although I think the bonds theory has other issues, but that discussion is probably best saved for another time and place.
1921/r/psychology
1922/u/thedovelamenting
192325/08/2013, 15:38:18
1924Not sure why someone downvoted this, since this is mostly what national IQ scores from China/Japan/Singapore etc show, along with SE Asian IQ scores from immigrant populations living in the US/UK. What exactly you take away from these scores in terms of gene/environment interaction is of course up for debate, but the scores themselves are real enough. 
1925/r/IntelligenceStudies
1926/u/thedovelamenting
192725/08/2013, 13:45:01
1928I have access to Intelligence through my university, but open access sure is great for the people who don't. Blessed be Creative Commons. 
1929
1930Anyway, this is an interesting piece that supports the concept of general intelligence and its heritability through genomic analysis, largely replicating the results of earlier twin and adoption studies, showing a strong correlation between verbal and nonverbal abilities, thus supporting the hierarchical model of intelligence (at the pinnacle of which the Spearman/Jensen "g" sits). Consequently it also suggests that the genes for cognitive ability do a lot of work; genes that affect one ability tend to affect many others (pleiotropy). 
1931/r/IntelligenceStudies
1932/u/thedovelamenting
193312/08/2013, 17:28:10
1934This will be no surprise to anyone who has read The Bell Curve or similar research, but it did throw up some fun factoids. Democrats tend to have a higher level of ability and education than Republicans (disclosure; I am neither), Senators tends to be of a higher cognitive class than House members. Women are (unsurprisingly) slightly under-represented amongst these elite professions. Female politicians tended to have lower ability than their male counterparts, but female judges tended to be of equal ability and female CEOs were of higher ability. Harvard alumni are crazily omnipresent amongst the elite. 
1935
1936Take this with a pinch of salt; individual academic scores were not available, so the authors had to estimate based on the average SAT scores of the colleges that individuals attended. 
1937/r/IntelligenceStudies
1938/u/thedovelamenting
193912/08/2013, 14:46:45
1940This is a really quite extraordinary study, comparing samples of representative urban Vietnamese children from three major cities in Vietnam against German children (from Saxony) at the 5th grade. IQs were measured using cogAT, and in addition to group IQs a number of other data were also collected;
1941
1942"demographic data and activities of parents and children by means of a questionnaire (parents: marital status, highest educational degree, current occupation, housing conditions, monthly net income, number of books; children: age, sex/gender, number of siblings, preschool education, television consumption, reading, leisure activities)."
1943
1944A brief quotation from the discussion of the results: unsurprisingly, Rindermann et al found:
1945
1946" a) a huge wealth gap (average family income per family 445 vs. 2,858 Euro), b) the past history of war, violence and suppression in Vietnam with its detrimental effects on cognitive ability ( DeGroot, 1951 and Pesonen et al., 2011), c) continuing Communist rule, d) having more children, e) a more neglecting parenting style compared to Germany, f) fewer books in the family, g) less reading by children, and h) the total absence of preschool education!"
1947
1948All this should be entirely unsurprising to anyone who's ever heard of Vietnam, but the IQ comparisons were surprising. The two groups achieved virtually identical results; in spite of far worse environmental circumstances of the Vietnamese children, their group mean IQ was 99,  just 1 point below the German group (mean 100). A number of positive environmental factors the Vietnamese kids enjoyed (family background etc) are discussed as possible counterbalances to their negative environmental influences. Possible genetic factors are also briefly talked about. All in all a great read. 
1949/r/AskMen
1950/u/thedovelamenting
195108/08/2013, 17:12:28
1952No, didn't sound accusatory in the slightest. It is unusual to get married so young without being religious, I agree. The plan is to grow up together, and build a life together. Marriage is our formal commitment to each other to do so. 
1953
1954(of course there are lots of other important commitments involved in marriage, but that's the one that is relevant for this thread)
1955/r/AskMen
1956/u/thedovelamenting
195708/08/2013, 17:01:29
1958Nope. Neither of us are inclined to devout faith (I have a rather vague kind of Pelagian Anglicanism hybrid, but that's not important). We've been together for 18 months and cheerfully having lots of kinky sex all  that time, so no, no religious imperative or "we must get married so we can fuck". 
1959/r/AskMen
1960/u/thedovelamenting
196108/08/2013, 10:57:53
1962I'm 21 (male) and getting married for two reasons:
1963
1964a) I've met a wonderful woman
1965
1966b) I view marriage as a cornerstone to help build my life on, not as the final item on some list of achievements I have to have completed first. 
1967/r/IntelligenceStudies
1968/u/thedovelamenting
196908/08/2013, 01:24:56
1970Fairly routine but a good addition to the data sets. The Flynn Effect looks to be progressing at the same rate in China as has been traditionally recorded elsewhere (about 3 points per decade), and in a similar manner (greater rises in fluid intelligence than crystallized intelligence). 
1971/r/IntelligenceStudies
1972/u/thedovelamenting
197307/08/2013, 17:58:43
1974See below for my thoughts on this (but in response to your question, it's wrong to say that any individual is stupid because of one belief). 
1975
1976I think the connection between low intelligence and religiosity is more to do with a common root in pre-modern mindsets than a direct connection per se. 
1977/r/IntelligenceStudies
1978/u/thedovelamenting
197907/08/2013, 17:54:54
1980I think a lot of the commentary on this was false. I think Lynn is entirely correct to draw the connection between IQ and atheism (and it is that way round...), but I feel that this analysis is limited. Religiosity is a complicated matter that may itself be partly genetic; it may also be a hangover of a pre-modern mindset, of different ways of thinking that dominated universally prior to the Industrial Revolution. The cross-cultural Piagetians would doubtless have something to say about this (Oesterdiekhoff comes to mind in particular). 
1981
1982Life history theory might also have a role to play; fast life histories may ensure that religiosity is adaptive, as a coping mechanism to deal with environmental insecurity. 
1983
1984So the decline in religiosity may be a result of modern "formal operational" mindsets and slower life histories, and of course slower life histories and modern mindsets also result in higher intelligence. 
1985/r/IntelligenceStudies
1986/u/thedovelamenting
198707/08/2013, 16:49:23
1988This is fascinating though I think it works best as (partial) explanation of the divergences in national IQs rather than a full explanation of the 20th century Western Flynn effect. Presumably (?) parasitic stress, disease, and poor nutrition affected the lower classes more than the upper in the early 20th/late 19th centuries ergo the FE (on this account) should have seen greater gains from the left hand side of the intelligence distribution.
1989
1990In fact intelligence gains have been equally distributed across the bell curve in many countries (though not all), which makes for a confused picture. 
1991/r/IntelligenceStudies
1992/u/thedovelamenting
199307/08/2013, 16:24:51
1994Some googling indicates that this caused quite a bit of media buzz: 
1995
1996http://www.google.co.uk/search?client=safari&rls=en&q=were+the+victorians+cleverer+woodley&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8&gws_rd=cr&ei=2lUCUr_2CeiM0AWr5IDgCA
1997
1998There is clearly a close relationship between reaction times and IQ and little doubt that dysgenics is a real phenomenon but (ignoring reliability concerns for a moment) I am unclear as to what exactly it is about reaction times that makes them an accurate, Flynn-effect-defying measure of genotypic IQ, so if anyone would care to elaborate...
1999
2000Re reliability concerns see http://hbdchick.wordpress.com/2013/05/27/a-response-to-a-response-to-two-critical-commentaries-on-woodley-te-nijenhuis-murphy-2013/
2001
2002It's a great study though and well worth the read in full if you have access. 
2003
2004(edit: my scepticism comes in part from this; if the Flynn effect is due in part to healthcare gains giving us better brains thanks to better nutrition (Lynn) and lower levels of parasitic stress from disease (Eppig) then surely the FE would affect reaction times also? No? This is doubtless my ignorance shining through...)
2005/r/IntelligenceStudies
2006/u/thedovelamenting
200707/08/2013, 15:55:01
2008Since immigration has been extremely minimal the authors attribute this effect to dysgenics. 
2009/r/AskMen
2010/u/thedovelamenting
201105/08/2013, 17:58:37
2012None, really. I never feel bad about wanking to porn, and my tastes from vanilla amateur stuff to fairly hardcore BDSM material (kink.com etc). So long as everyone involved consented and enjoyed themselves I feel good. It's the same for my own sex life. 
2013
2014Yeah sure animal porn or w/e sounds horrendous, but I never watch that nonsense. 
2015/r/AskMen
2016/u/thedovelamenting
201705/08/2013, 17:51:26
2018http://theredpillroom.blogspot.co.uk/2012/07/girl-game-gfe.html
2019/r/AskMen
2020/u/thedovelamenting
202105/08/2013, 17:47:41
2022Girl on top is not that much less stimulation, but yeah, probably that to some degree.
2023
2024The absolute minimal stimulation is spoons, aka the worst sex position of all time. 
2025/r/AskMen
2026/u/thedovelamenting
202705/08/2013, 17:43:30
2028Be positive. Smile lots. Have strong and firm boundaries. Enjoy sex and figure out what clicks for you in bed. Work  out and keep in shape. Eat well also. Sort out your education and career path and stick with those decisions, but if you want kids, be aware there is a clock on that. If you want to get married to a man (advisable if you're not gay and want kids) your choice of husband is likely the most important choice you will ever make, so choose well. Find someone sexy with compatible life goals who has high moral character and lots of strength. 
2029/r/AskMen
2030/u/thedovelamenting
203105/08/2013, 02:35:24
2032If you're dating the 1% of men who actually cares about your labia, unlucky. Most guys couldn't give a shit what it looks like. It's a pussy. We put our penises and other things in there. That's all. Doesn't sound like your boyfriend belongs to that 1% in all fairness, though.
2033
2034Anyway, that apart, the hottest pic currently on my phone is my fiancee naked, smiling, and reaching up the sky in jubilation just after we'd fucked in a hidden-away grove in Oxford's University Parks last week. So yeah, in this situation I would like something with lots of nudity and outdoors, because both are awesome. Get naked and a pair of handcuffs, attach yourself to a tree with one hand, take a selfie with the other (ought to work, I think).
2035
2036Or just the old classic selfie of you fucking yourself with a dildo or vibrator and the tag "wish it was your cock instead". Simple but easy enough. 
2037/r/AskMen
2038/u/thedovelamenting
203905/08/2013, 02:10:29
2040Well, either you'll get used to it, or you won't. Only one way to find out!
2041
2042How big is the bed in question?
2043
2044If you find out that you simply can't handle sleeping with someone else in the bed, you'll either have to buy a massive bed or get two at some future point in your life. No way around it - sleeping together is lovely and all, but nothing is worth messing with your sleep for in the long-term.
2045/r/AskMen
2046/u/thedovelamenting
204702/08/2013, 14:19:10
2048Yes. Just put a towel down and carry on. I'm not missing out on sex because of a bit of blood. 
2049/r/AskMen
2050/u/thedovelamenting
205127/07/2013, 13:50:40
2052You have baaaad oneitis.
2053/r/AskMen
2054/u/thedovelamenting
205526/07/2013, 22:02:39
2056I'm probably a terrible person, but the way you set this up made me laugh. The "she's pregnant" line was genius. He thoroughly deserves it too. What a complete and utter moron and loser. 
2057
2058Well done on the way you've coped with this. You know you can and will do better. Good luck. 
2059/r/AskMen
2060/u/thedovelamenting
206126/07/2013, 19:18:58
2062Some combination of 3 and 4 I would say. Calm down. 
2063/r/AskMen
2064/u/thedovelamenting
206526/07/2013, 12:55:19
2066Yeah yeah yeah low sex drive yada yada yada - once a month is ridiculous. Sex 12 times a year? Yeah, this relationship is dead unless something changes. 
2067
2068I'm sorry, but something unusual is probably going on here - check his browser history to see how much porn (and what type...) is on there, because some men struggle with emotional intimacy and so use porn as a substitute. Or he has some fetish he's ashamed to admit to. Or he's just not attracted to you, but assuming you're in good shape it's probably not that. Either that or low testosterone, which can be tested (below 500 is a red flag). Talk to him and actually stand up for yourself. 
2069
2070You have needs and our partners in relationships should make reasonable efforts to fulfil reasonable needs (and sex more than once a freakin month is certainly a reasonable need!). If he won't fix the problem, just leave and find someone who will fuck you, because without some effort from him you are going to be utterly miserable 5/10 years down the line. 
2071/r/AskMen
2072/u/thedovelamenting
207326/07/2013, 12:31:29
2074You can't just let him sexually freeload and put no effort in, which is what he's doing. He has to contribute somehow, both by fucking you a bit more and initiating at least some of the time. Otherwise you're going to be miserable, it's not rocket science. It's not just you, any other woman would feel the same way like as not. People want to feel wanted. You have needs; they are real and valid, and in a relationship it's important to try to meet our partner's needs, or at least meet them half-way. Stand up for yourself. 
2075
2076Think seriously about the long-term though, because this kind of problem does not tend to go away. 
2077/r/AskMen
2078/u/thedovelamenting
207926/07/2013, 12:21:54
2080Yeah sure, but at the same time mismatched libidos have to make compromises, and yes that includes deal-making. If not the lower libido partner basically winds up always cracking the whip; this creates a huge power imbalance and the higher libido partner will often blow the relationship up out of sheer frustration and rage. Of course, ideally your libidos wouldn't be mismatched, and it is hard to make it work. 
2081
2082OP should maybe ask her boyfriend to get his testosterone levels tested as well.  
2083
2084I have definitely fucked my fiancee a few times when I'd rather have gone to sleep and she was horny, but after a few minutes I got into it and everything was awesome. 
2085/r/AskMen
2086/u/thedovelamenting
208726/07/2013, 12:05:51
2088A month is completely ridiculous. I think the cause of his low libido is stress caused by his unemployment coupled with the anti-depressant (some of which are notorious libido-killers). That said, it's just common decency to help satisfy your partner on a regular basis even if you aren't quite feeling it yourself. 
2089
2090Tbh I would be surprised if this relationship had too much of a future - sexual compatibility is a huge issue and you sound a long way apart on that one.
2091/r/AskMen
2092/u/thedovelamenting
209326/07/2013, 12:00:39
2094Lead from the front. Doesn't matter what it is - "I think we should do this. Agreed?" Even the most minor things - actually especially the most minor things. Avoid mutual submission deadlocks - "I don't care, what do you want?" - arrrrgghh! Just make decisions. Some people apparently get into mutual submission deadlocks during sex. Nothing could be worse. Just put her body in the desired position. 
2095
2096Apologize when you get it wrong. Do it once, firmly and authentically, and don't let the subject come up again. Don't ever tell lies. Have a plan for your life and stick to it. 
2097
2098Be fit, be sexy, well-groomed, and take her to pound town as often as reasonably possible. Have firm boundaries and don't tolerate being kvetched at. Maintain your own independent life and social circle. 
2099
2100/r/AskMen
2101/u/thedovelamenting
210224/07/2013, 15:38:45
2103I wouldn't say so. Life is good, and I love being a man. It's simply fantastic. 
2104/r/AskMen
2105/u/thedovelamenting
210624/07/2013, 01:15:13
2107Well, it depends on the sample size, of course (which you do not mention), but I think it's safe to say you're unlikely to find three or more consecutive guys who, while you're sucking them off, take the mental energy to think up a false compliment. So assuming we have an OK sample size here, I think you can be proud of your blowjob skills. 
2108/r/AskMen
2109/u/thedovelamenting
211024/07/2013, 00:29:08
2111Tastes like pussy juice. 
2112/r/AskMen
2113/u/thedovelamenting
211423/07/2013, 23:53:26
2115Genital close-ups are pretty bad, yeah. 
2116
2117I try to find porn that offers a good view of the entire bodies of all actors, and especially the faces. Sex faces are amazing, and that's where the business is. 
2118/r/AskMen
2119/u/thedovelamenting
212023/07/2013, 23:40:26
2121super hot.
2122/r/AskMen
2123/u/thedovelamenting
212423/07/2013, 23:26:36
2125A slut is just someone who loves loves loves sex and has lots of it, with a highish lifetime partner number. Reasonable enough definition?
2126
2127So long as the slut in question can handle the demands of monogamy, I'm good to go. 
2128/r/AskMen
2129/u/thedovelamenting
213023/07/2013, 19:46:52
2131In a good way ;)
2132/r/AskMen
2133/u/thedovelamenting
213423/07/2013, 19:36:34
2135Yeah. I mean, they can't be sackcloths. They have to show off those womanly curves. But apart from that, long skirts/dresses are amazing because if you don't have perfect legs, they're hidden, and my imagination goes to work turning a regular woman into Aphrodite. 
2136
2137Not only that - long skirts and dresses are also more formal, more decorous, more proper, hearkening back to Victorian days when showing flesh, especially leg flesh, was thought thoroughly improper. And of course whenever my brain gets a hint of decorum and propriety in a woman, it goes wild thinking "Must. Defile. Her. Now". 
2138
2139Oh, and corsets. Corsets are god's gift to womankind, proper steel-bone ones in particular. They create curves in the most flat-line women, or hold in fat on others - there is no woman who will not benefit in my eyes from a good quality corset. Corsets are worth almost an extra half inch of erection. 
2140/r/AskMen
2141/u/thedovelamenting
214223/07/2013, 19:21:02
2143This is quite an extensive list...
2144
2145I have a huge pregnancy fetish, so big hips and decent curves scream FERTILITY to my lizard brain and send my boner into overdrive. 
2146
2147Long hair in good condition is a winner. Older women, don't cut your hair short. I have no idea why ladies do this as they mature. How can I imagine grabbing and pulling it from behind while I fuck you? How can I imagine gently streaming it between my hands whilst I stand behind you sitting, brushing it gently over and over?
2148
2149Long flowing skirts and dresses are amazing; sexy, feminine, mysterious. My imagination runs riot with visions of what's underneath, of  lifting up those flowing fabrics to grope your ass and play with your dripping pussy. Speaking of that, a wet pussy, overflowing with vaginal juice, practically begging for cock, is a huge turn-on. Unsurprisingly. 
2150
2151Submission and marks of submission are wonderfully hot. Bite marks running down the arm. A metal collar around the neck, firm and unyielding. An ass red from a spanking or flogging, nipples chafed from clamps, her mouth panting and open and rejoicing while I fill it with cum. Every single marker you can think of that says "you're mine". 
2152
2153A graceful character and a beautiful mind entrance my heart, and that helps with the boners also. 
2154
2155I couldn't possibly pick a winner out of all that - but these are the things that turn me on most about a girl. 
2156/r/AskMen
2157/u/thedovelamenting
215823/07/2013, 19:05:55
2159how often are we talking? How old are you both?
2160/r/AskMen
2161/u/thedovelamenting
216223/07/2013, 19:01:46
2163This happened once. We'd watched a horror film and were trying to have sex, but even though my dick was still working fine my mind was hyperactive and it just was not going to be a pleasant mental experience. I said "sorry, this isn't working, the film is messing my head up right now", so we cuddled instead. 
2164
2165But yeah, that apart if she wants it and I'm not quite there I'll just go ahead and fuck her, and 2 minutes later I'll be feeling awesome and thinking "this is great, what I was complaining about". 
2166
2167Sex is wonderful and it makes you both feel good, so why wouldn't you do it whenever your partner wants?
2168/r/AskMen
2169/u/thedovelamenting
217023/07/2013, 17:49:36
2171Yes - for me this denotes great tenderness and love. 
2172/r/bestof
2173/u/thedovelamenting
217417/07/2013, 19:01:53
2175Well, maybe. Another way to look at it would be that higher achievers are more likely to be successful in their own societies and so will have fewer reasons to immigrate in the first place. That isn't always true of course - in fact it very often is not - but it's worth remembering. 
2176
2177I don't doubt that currently the US attracts far more skilled workers than it does asylum seekers. My point is more that it's unsafe to generalize about immigrants, because who immigrates and why is something that varies hugely across time and cultures. 
2178/r/bestof
2179/u/thedovelamenting
218017/07/2013, 18:41:07
2181Immigrants are just as likely to move for reasons of persecution, despair at existing circumstances, or straightforward economic opportunity as they're looking to transition from one low-income field to another slightly better paying low-income field. I don't think there's any reason to say that immigrants necessarily are bright determined types; desperation and necessity compels everyone. Read The Grapes of Wrath. 
2182
2183Sure, the stereotypical image is true of some immigrant cohorts; it probably originates in European Jews who faced enormous prejudice and were kept on the move by expulsions throughout the Middle Ages, while at the same time routinely occupying high-paying and socially valued (if not well liked) jobs. Finance, essentially. But this is by no means a universal picture. 
2184/r/bestof
2185/u/thedovelamenting
218617/07/2013, 18:18:01
2187http://people.umass.edu/~smodel/IMR_25.pdf this study would seem to disagree.
2188/r/magicTCG
2189/u/thedovelamenting
219015/07/2013, 00:00:04
2191DS is awesome. I've been playing there almost since it opened. The MTG scene has grown from nothing to 50 player FNMs. The community is fantastic, mostly thanks to the owner Alexei, who is a stand-up guy. 
2192/r/AskMen
2193/u/thedovelamenting
219425/06/2013, 01:44:21
2195I think showing vulnerability is not only possible with a loving partner, I think it is also necessary. By and large, it is something that women want to see - in limited quantities. It humanizes you. It builds rapport by opening your hearts to each other. These are all good things. Just don't try to have sex straight afterwards, because that won't work. Vulnerability does many good things, but build raw sexual attraction it does not. 
2196
2197A lot of this kind of thing I do at night, by curling up and let my girlfriend hold me. Sometimes I hold her, but more often it's the other way around. Either way we spend the night in each other's arms. Sometimes in the day I'll put my head in her lap and let her stroke my hair. But that is more rare. It's a contrast to the everyday dominance. A necessary contrast.  
2198/r/relationships
2199/u/thedovelamenting
220023/06/2013, 23:19:13
2201I'm fairly sure relativism has gone too far if we are really saying things like "She sounds a little immature not that this is a bad thing".
2202/r/relationships
2203/u/thedovelamenting
220410/06/2013, 12:35:35
2205Showing them this thread would probably work fine for starters. 
2206/r/relationships
2207/u/thedovelamenting
220810/06/2013, 12:20:48
2209Therapy is a complete waste of money if you do not tell the truth. It doesn't work either if you don't want it to. 
2210
2211With that in mind, go it and good luck. 
2212
2213Try to build a bigger support network of decent friends who know about some of this (at least), so that on bad days you aren't just reliant on Aspie-chan. 
2214/r/relationships
2215/u/thedovelamenting
221610/06/2013, 12:15:07
2217Cut out the drinking. Stick to one or two per night on social events where drinking is normal, no more. Live by that and regain his trust. 
2218
2219This doesn't make you a terrible person, just a bit of an idiot. 
2220
2221BTW it is super unlikely that anyone slipped you anything; repeated studies have found that spiked drinks are basically just an urban myth and the only date rape drug that exists (more or less) is alcohol. People just overestimate their tolerance and underestimate how much they've had. 
2222/r/BreakUps
2223/u/thedovelamenting
222403/05/2013, 16:55:21
2225Right, here we get to the nub of it.
2226
2227Why is being alone so terrifying for you? 
2228
2229If you cannot be happy alone, you are very unlikely to ever be happy with someone. 
2230/r/BreakUps
2231/u/thedovelamenting
223203/05/2013, 16:18:25
2233Never fought once in 4 years?
2234
2235Jeepers creepers. I'll take you at your word and assume you aren't exaggerating or rewriting history. That is a huge redflag. Such minimal conflict implies either severe lack of passion/interest or that one or both partners are severely conflict avoidant and just cave in at every turn, or both. 
2236
2237Ok, so he's a nice guy, but the sex is infrequent and kind of meh when it does happen, you feel sexually numb, and this worries you and gives you panic attacks. There's no excitement. 
2238
2239So why did you stay for 4 years? Yeah he's a nice guy yada yada: those are easy to find. There's more going on here. What did he do for you? What need did he fulfil that's so important that you were happy to stay for so long, despite having doubts from a very early stage? 
2240
2241You say that you "came to depend on him for everything". What exactly does this mean?
2242/r/BreakUps
2243/u/thedovelamenting
224403/05/2013, 15:54:19
2245Well if you had sex all the time for six months that quite strongly suggests that you were sexually into him at one point. 
2246
2247So what changed?
2248
2249In your OP you list a lot of his positive qualities: supportive, loving, caring, etc. These are fine things. But they are not necessarily sexually exciting qualities; they're not things that keep the flame of sexual desire alight. 
2250/r/BreakUps
2251/u/thedovelamenting
225203/05/2013, 15:36:26
2253Well, I read the first two paragraphs and was thinking "uh oh, dumb decision", and then got to the third paragraph and it all started to make sense. No, you can't live like that your whole life. Were you ever really sexually into him? What was your sex life like at its peak, and what did it become over time?
2254
2255If some level of sexual attraction isn't there, all you have is a really good friendship, not an intimate adult relationship. 
2256/r/relationships
2257/u/thedovelamenting
225814/04/2013, 14:30:35
2259Quite possibly. People are complicated. But the bottom line is that you want him, you can't have him, and even if you could he wouldn't be good for you. So just cut him out and move on. 
2260/r/relationships
2261/u/thedovelamenting
226214/04/2013, 14:19:02
2263Either she goes to therapy (and commits to the process) or you should walk. You clearly realize (quite rightly) that this relationship does not have a future unless she gets professional help. So either she takes your relationship seriously enough to get that help, or she doesn't take it all that seriously, in which case you should leave. 
2264
2265It is not your job to heal her, and it is certainly not something you are competent or qualified to do. 
2266/r/relationships
2267/u/thedovelamenting
226814/04/2013, 14:10:35
2269Relationships that start off as cheating rarely work out (unless the participants were childhood sweethearts or something). 
2270
2271Just all round he seems like a completely toxic loser. Cut him out of your life and move on. And then learn this truth: there is no one. There are good ONES and bad ONES (and this guy certainly sounds like a very bad ONE) but there is no ONE.
2272
2273http://rationalmale.wordpress.com/2011/08/30/there-is-no-one/
2274/r/relationships
2275/u/thedovelamenting
227614/04/2013, 14:03:59
2277http://rationalmale.wordpress.com/2011/08/30/there-is-no-one/
2278
2279Just in general committing further to people who have already displayed dubious ethics/fidelity is a bad idea (if you are the sort of person who cares about fidelity, which most people do). There are better women out there. Go find one of those. 
2280/r/relationships
2281/u/thedovelamenting
228214/04/2013, 13:50:55
2283Serious redflag, relationship is just a year old, no serious sunk costs. Just dump her and move on. What actual logical reason is there to stay with her, other than oneitis?
2284/r/relationships
2285/u/thedovelamenting
228605/02/2013, 03:19:03
2287If you split up, you're only 37. Your target dating market is filled with women starting to think seriously about kids; you would have lots of chances to settle down again with someone who actually did want to procreate. You would have a divorce behind you but wouldn't be paying child support, which really helps. Assuming you're confident and reasonably attractive you shouldn't have any problems. 
2288
2289I think it's reasonable to get divorced over this if you've always been clear that you wanted kids, and that that was a fundamental part of the deal. It sounds like she was always ambivalent about the idea and never really told you. That's quite a dick move that would leave me with major trust issues.
2290
2291Counselling is worth trying but if this is a deal breaker it's just a deal breaker.
2292/r/relationships
2293/u/thedovelamenting
229404/02/2013, 19:37:13
2295You are your wife's Plan B. He is her Plan A. Do you want to be her Plan B? Because that's all you will ever be if you stay. I don't see how she'll ever respect you if you don't divorce her over this. 
2296
2297Everyone else is right to say get a paternity test the second the baby is born. 
2298/r/relationships
2299/u/thedovelamenting
230014/01/2013, 02:13:40
2301The only sensible piece of relationship advice my girlfriend ever got from her mother was this: "don't get involved with someone who's possessive about your [sexual] past".
2302/r/sex
2303/u/thedovelamenting
230427/12/2012, 11:32:25
2305Half a glass of wine just to relax her, physically and mentally. At least a reasonable amount of foreplay. 
2306/r/sex
2307/u/thedovelamenting
230825/12/2012, 01:57:03
2309You seem to think there's something wrong with paying for sex...which I don't really get to be honest. Any chance you could explain your logic here?
2310
2311Apart from that it seems like you've been through a lot and come out not completely insane, which is no small achievement. 
2312/r/todayilearned
2313/u/thedovelamenting
231424/12/2012, 11:56:44
2315Exactly this. 
2316/r/DeadBedrooms
2317/u/thedovelamenting
231818/12/2012, 13:17:28
2319She's not sexually attracted to you, hence she doesn't want to fuck you. It's very simple. So make yourself more attractive. Hit the gym, quit smoking, up your fitness, dress better, take command of the relationship, distance yourself from her, and try if you can to solicit some IOIs from other women in the presence of your wife. Don't talk to her about it - just do all that and watch her get mindfucked into desire again.
2320
2321For the full program check out Athol Kay's book.
2322/r/relationships
2323/u/thedovelamenting
232418/12/2012, 13:01:57
2325No, don't get her anything. Secretly she possibly expects you to, which means you should of course defy her expectations (because that's hot). If she actually doesn't want you to, she'll just be rightly pissed off at you if you do get her one, and that's a waste of everyone's time. 
2326/r/relationships
2327/u/thedovelamenting
232818/12/2012, 11:16:57
2329This is a terrible idea given her mom's history of being psychologically abusive. No, you are not being unreasonable. If you really aren't comfortable with this stand your ground and maintain your boundaries. 
2330/r/relationships
2331/u/thedovelamenting
233218/12/2012, 11:13:05
2333She's just not that into you any more. And it is possible to rekindle desire once it fades away, but it's very very hard and involves far more effort than she's probably worth. You're only 22 - NEXT her and find someone else. 
2334/r/bestof
2335/u/thedovelamenting
233612/12/2012, 18:05:08
2337A man myself, I have plenty of good close man friends who I can share damn near anything with and who are great support and help. It's a complete myth that the man-code prohibits men from sharing emotionally with each other. Just try and see what happens. You'll be surprised.
2338
2339This guy needs better friends for sure. 
2340/r/DeadBedrooms
2341/u/thedovelamenting
234212/12/2012, 12:33:34
2343The other posters are quite right. You cannot negotiate desire, so don't try. Read http://rationalmale.wordpress.com/2011/08/25/the-desire-dynamic/ and be enlightened.
2344
2345Make yourself more attractive to her instead. It sounds like your relationship frame is that of her as Princess and you as Provider. That needs to change, because no woman is attracted to a Provider, ever. Read Athol's Kay's Married Man Sex Life (book, blog, and forum) for the how-to.
2346/r/DeadBedrooms
2347/u/thedovelamenting
234812/12/2012, 12:29:25
2349Just break up, you have no reason to stay together - no marriage, no kids, nothing. She is not marriage material. It's as simple as that. 
2350/r/dating_advice
2351/u/thedovelamenting
235207/12/2012, 23:19:56
2353When he finds the right woman with a compatible vision of how to live their life together. 
2354
2355Ideal age, probably early 30s for him (mid 20s for her, or younger), but YMMV.
2356/r/relationship_tips
2357/u/thedovelamenting
235807/12/2012, 17:22:50
2359Well, it's a lot better if the guy is older, let's put it that way. You right now are probably close to or at the peak of your sexual market value, and assuming he's kept in decent shape he's probably at the peak of his. 
2360/r/relationships
2361/u/thedovelamenting
236207/12/2012, 17:09:26
2363Bi and mad about it. 
2364/r/relationships
2365/u/thedovelamenting
236607/12/2012, 16:17:53
2367He sounds pretty well bi-furious to me. Maybe more interested in men though. 
2368/r/relationships
2369/u/thedovelamenting
237005/12/2012, 15:43:39
2371Move on. Baby crazy might be just about forgivable but the cheating is a clincher. Find someone more worthy of being the mother of your children.
2372/r/ihaveissues
2373/u/thedovelamenting
237405/12/2012, 15:22:59
2375Well, looks do matter some. If you aren't in shape, get in shape. It shows to potential partners that you have good self-respect because you take care of yourself and are serious about your health. It will also make you feel much better about yourself and give you much more confidence. Plus, chicks dig muscles.
2376
2377That apart, I can only recommend getting out there and meeting more women (assuming you're straight, which you didn't actually mention). Then visit /r/seduction for what to do next. 
2378
2379If you feel afraid of physical intimacy and have major virginity hang-ups, I would consider paying a lot of money to a rather expensive hooker, and tell her what the deal is.
2380/r/sex
2381/u/thedovelamenting
238205/12/2012, 14:42:37
2383Jeez, no one (apart from the maniacs at radfemhub) is going to yank your feminist card for doing consensual rape scenes with your girlfriend, with a safeword etc. You are not a creep, although you clearly do have self-esteem problems. Just learn to embrace your fantasies. They do not make you a bad person so long as you act them out with consenting adults. I really would be surprised if with your level of ethical concern and self-knowledge you went from doing consensual rape scenes to actually raping non-consenting women.
2384
2385As for this - "I don't ever want to be turned on by the thought of my girlfriend not consenting" - why not? It is because she's on some pedestal that means you couldn't ever think of her That Way? If so take her off the pedestal, it's bad for your relationship and she clearly doesn't want to be there. 
2386/r/sex
2387/u/thedovelamenting
238805/12/2012, 13:52:26
2389"LOLOLOLOL my boyfriend has such a tiny *flaccid* penis! I mean, it's big when he's hard, but I just can't stand it when he's flaccid!"
2390
2391Said no woman ever. 
2392/r/relationships
2393/u/thedovelamenting
239403/12/2012, 22:13:22
2395Just break up. If she banged some other guy(s) but won't bang you she's probably just not that into you.  Huge obvious redflag.
2396/r/sex
2397/u/thedovelamenting
239830/11/2012, 14:14:42
2399Believe you me, no one will even notice.
2400/r/sex
2401/u/thedovelamenting
240230/11/2012, 12:54:36
2403No, obviously not. I don't really know why you'd consider it: "don't stick your dick in crazy" is a pretty standard rule. It doesn't usually end well.
2404/r/sex
2405/u/thedovelamenting
240628/11/2012, 18:46:38
2407It's called the sexual marketplace for a reason. Everybody trades something. This is reality, whether you choose to acknowledge it or not. 
2408/r/sex
2409/u/thedovelamenting
241028/11/2012, 18:42:55
2411Oh, come on. She's energetic enough to make out with him, she's energetic enough to fuck. Ever had sleepy waking up morning sex? Sleepy just going to bed sex? No? Sex doesn't have to be some huge porno bangamania pant-a-thon all the time, if you're tired just take it slowly and let your partner do the thrusting. Plus, it's an adrenaline rush, and nothing wakes you up like adrenaline. 
2412
2413I'm "tired" quite a bit when my gf is *really* horny. Still doesn't mean I don't gather my energies and fuck her like a champ, because I know the crazy girl damn well needs it at least 4/5x per week (she'd love 10x, but we don't see each another enough). Even if I'm not in the mood at first, it's an expression of love. And she does the same for me quite a bit. 
2414/r/sex
2415/u/thedovelamenting
241628/11/2012, 18:32:24
2417Not yet ;) She knows about it though. To be honest I don't think I could do a role-play though, it would have to be for real.
2418/r/sex
2419/u/thedovelamenting
242028/11/2012, 18:27:24
2421I certainly think I have a right to regular sex with my partner, and she has a right to regular sex with me. "Default yes" is the standard. If I just went around not having sex with her for no good reason (and it would have to be a very good reason) that wouldn't be OK.
2422/r/sex
2423/u/thedovelamenting
242428/11/2012, 18:17:38
2425Not at any given time, for sure, but most people expect when they sign up for LTRs that they will be getting regular sex in exchange for their fidelity. 
2426/r/sex
2427/u/thedovelamenting
242828/11/2012, 18:10:29
2429Birthday sex is a reasonable expectation, and I'd be disappointed at no action after all that buildup, but to be honest even if she was tired she probably would have been DTF if you hadn't said "is anything wrong"? Most desire-killing phrase ever. 
2430/r/sex
2431/u/thedovelamenting
243228/11/2012, 17:11:26
2433Holy honolulu batman, if you do this as described your man had better have bloody strong neck and shoulder muscles.
2434
2435Personally I'll be sticking to doing it the usual ways...
2436/r/sex
2437/u/thedovelamenting
243828/11/2012, 17:04:29
2439As a man I have huge impregnation fantasies. Can't wait til I actually do start making babies with my future wife. 
2440/r/sex
2441/u/thedovelamenting
244228/11/2012, 15:28:29
2443That doesn't mean those guys don't know they're rapists. It just means they won't admit to it when asked, even anonymously. Rationalization is a powerful thing. 
2444/r/Christianity
2445/u/thedovelamenting
244625/11/2012, 10:36:15
2447Not insatiable. I'm very high drive but once a day keeps me very happy, and even 5x per week is just fine. 
2448/r/Christianity
2449/u/thedovelamenting
245025/11/2012, 03:50:36
2451Every sexual encounter has a power dynamic. You're delusional if you think it doesn't. Sadism and masochism are no different from any other, and in fact likely to be a good deal more ethical because such things are (normally, hopefully...) negotiated in advance.
2452
2453Biblically approved sex also has its own power dynamic: male dominance and female submission, as is clearly implied in Ephesians 5:22. 
2454/r/Christianity
2455/u/thedovelamenting
245625/11/2012, 03:33:07
2457That's a bit like saying just because a tractor is a tool for ploughing a field, so the tractor has caused the field to be ploughed. The logic doesn't really hold together. The tractor can certainly help, and make the process of ploughing easier and faster, but it isn't responsible, nor the only way by which the end result can be accomplished.
2458/r/Christianity
2459/u/thedovelamenting
246025/11/2012, 03:18:50
2461I do enjoy my porn (unapologetically), but I can certainly confirm that the more sex I'm having the less I watch porn. Sex obviously > porn (a 100% better), but they do scratch the same itch. For me at least. Can't speak for anyone else. 
2462/r/Christianity
2463/u/thedovelamenting
246425/11/2012, 03:12:06
2465Oh, and I will also point out that she is not responsible for regulating their sex life in the same way as she is responsible for regulating their children's food intake: indeed, comparing the two is rather inappropriate. Her husband is the boss in the sex department and it is not her job to impose artificial periods of abstinence; he is her husband, and it is her role to submit. Biblically speaking...
2466/r/Christianity
2467/u/thedovelamenting
246825/11/2012, 03:03:23
2469Ice cream every day will do terrible things to anyone, especially a child. I fail to see how sex 7x per week will do bad things to anyone. 
2470/r/Christianity
2471/u/thedovelamenting
247225/11/2012, 02:53:13
2473And practically one would do that how?
2474
2475Since having sex with your spouse, and frequently, is actually encouraged by God in Scripture, I don't see how marital sex could easily turn into idolatry. Or ever, really.
2476/r/Christianity
2477/u/thedovelamenting
247825/11/2012, 02:37:38
2479I'm curious to know what you mean by this, and how exactly one would turn one's husband or wife into an idol?
2480/r/Christianity
2481/u/thedovelamenting
248225/11/2012, 02:05:46
2483Very true, although that doesn't mean there's anything wrong with loving duty sex if you're not completely in the mood. Nor with random BJs etc...
2484/r/sex
2485/u/thedovelamenting
248625/11/2012, 01:00:10
2487Not sure why this got downvoted, it seems pretty spot on to me...and I'd never noticed the significance of Dominique's name either, thanks for pointing it out!
2488/r/sex
2489/u/thedovelamenting
249025/11/2012, 00:42:34
2491Not really, Rand (as per usual) is very out there. Personally I love Atlas Shrugged, and The Fountainhead. As extreme as some of the politics is, and as ridiculous as Objectivism is as a philosophy, behind it all is a powerful and passionate defence of freedom, a right and and a virtue that we of the West, living in relatively free societies, too easily forget about. If you read We The Living, a fairly autobiographical take on early 1920s Russia, it's much easier to understand where Rand was coming from, having left absolute totalitarian hell.
2492
2493Anyway, it's remarkable how much kink there is in Atlas Shrugged, and to a lesser extent The Fountainhead. The metal bracelet made of Rearden Metal that Dagny wears is in many ways a symbol of her submission to Rearden (like a collar or cuff that many modern-day subs wear), and pretty much all the sex scenes are violently passionate (if not downright rapey) in nature: Dominique/Roark, Dagny/Francisco, Dagny/Rearden, Dagny/Galt. And yes, I do find them all very, very hot. So sue me. 
2494
2495As to how much they represent a "lifestyle", it's hard to say. There just wasn't a straight (the gay leatherman scene AFAIK developed much earlier) easily accessible S/M "scene" for many, many years I believe, outside of a couple of very exclusive societies/clubs catering to the extremely rich and privileged, in places like New York and probably Paris. But I wouldn't say her writing or attitudes to sex are necessarily all that indicative of her time either. 
2496
2497That was a bit of ramble, sorry...
2498/r/relationships
2499/u/thedovelamenting
250025/11/2012, 00:13:17
2501Therapy is not a condemnation. If she goes to the pshrink and gets a "nothing wrong with you" response, well then, I was wrong. So what? If she is depressed, however, and OP doesn't make an effort to get her check out, a salvageable marriage could go down the divorce drain for no good reason. 
2502
2503I am not saying she is mentally ill, because I'm not a doctor and we're on Reddit. I am saying it sounds as though OP should make a real effort to get her properly checked out, because some of the signs are there.
2504/r/relationships
2505/u/thedovelamenting
250624/11/2012, 22:21:32
2507And did you pull I hate you don't leave me, like OP describes his wife doing? Put it all together and it really, really doesn't look like someone who just unhaaaappy.
2508/r/relationships
2509/u/thedovelamenting
251024/11/2012, 21:58:28
2511Did you miss the part where she basically said she hates herself? Also the Ï hate you, I love you stuff she does to OP? This is definitely not someone who's just unhappy in their relationship.
2512/r/sex
2513/u/thedovelamenting
251423/11/2012, 19:18:20
2515Well, one way or another, you got your future wife to have sex with you before marriage, so well done you. Not everyone is so lucky. This girl could be entirely serious in her determination to hold out until The Day Itself. 
2516
2517How many years do you think OP should be prepared to hang around her waiting for her to change her mind? Because obviously he cannot marry her having never had sex with her.
2518
2519This is particularly true for OP, because by his account they've already done many sexual things apart from actual penetration. Now she's putting the barriers *back up*. This is a terrible sign for her interest levels in him and their relationship as a whole. 
2520/r/sex
2521/u/thedovelamenting
252223/11/2012, 19:09:33
2523*Will it ever be possible for me to orgasm just naturally? I feel like something is broken that I can't orgasm just from sex. I'm sure sex helps because I climax in 3-4 minutes whereas it'd take up to 10-15 minutes during masturbation. But still, I'd love it so much to just orgasm from his dick.*
2524
2525Actually most woman can't orgasm just from vaginal penetration. It's been suggested this has to do with varying distances of the clit to the vagina: the greater the distance, the less likely it is that you can cum from fucking. 
2526/r/sex
2527/u/thedovelamenting
252823/11/2012, 19:00:22
2529Order her to be silent on pain of a spanking. If that fails, clamp a hand over her mouth. Or use a scarf as a gag.
2530/r/sex
2531/u/thedovelamenting
253223/11/2012, 18:59:05
2533I guess I'm just not being imaginative enough: I can't imagine not telling my SO about something that important, but I guess I could be projecting. 
2534/r/sex
2535/u/thedovelamenting
253623/11/2012, 18:48:26
2537I guess...it's just that somewhere this story doesn't quite hang together. So she's raped, but never tells you about it even after you get back together, gets tested, but it's a false negative (I think these tests are fairly reliable, no?), and then you both become symptomatic and she puts two and two together on your anniversary? 
2538
2539I dunno, it all's just about possible in theory but it's a lot of unlikely incidents put together. Did she explain why she didn't tell you about the rape when you got back together?
2540
2541Edit: I guess the other thing she could be alternatively lying about is getting the first test done. Maybe she didn't.
2542/r/sex
2543/u/thedovelamenting
254423/11/2012, 18:37:44
2545Not saying you know anything that could. I'm guessing she should probably go to a doctor, a feeling like "something is bursting" accompanied by a sharp pain accompanied by blood everywhere doesn't normally happen during sex, no. 
2546/r/sex
2547/u/thedovelamenting
254823/11/2012, 18:27:49
2549http://womenshealth.about.com/lw/Health-Medicine/Womens-Health/What-Does-it-Mean-if-Im-Bleeding-During-Sex-.htm - maybe helpful? Could be anything really, OP is kind of a bit vague.
2550/r/sex
2551/u/thedovelamenting
255223/11/2012, 18:24:22
2553She never told you about being raped? 
2554/r/sex
2555/u/thedovelamenting
255623/11/2012, 18:13:26
2557http://marriedmansexlife.vanillaforums.com/discussion/1589/the-banging-thread-part-1/p1 - some inspiration for rough, rougher, and downright kinky sex.
2558
2559If "being taken advantage of" means what I think it does, then 
2560
2561http://marriedmansexlife.vanillaforums.com/discussion/1592/anatomy-of-a-rape-scene/p1
2562/r/relationships
2563/u/thedovelamenting
256423/11/2012, 18:08:01
2565Ouch.
2566
2567Nothing I can say to help or to make things better, but this was really heartbreaking to read. I am so, so sorry for you. 
2568/r/relationships
2569/u/thedovelamenting
257023/11/2012, 17:55:11
2571Yeah, that's the other problem. I know of very few LTRs that survived marriage if marriage didn't happen before 5/6 years. Super long dating period = eventual kiss of death, so it seems. I know of several that were dating for 9/10 years, got married, and then BOOM! Snap divorce barely a year or two later. 
2572
2573That said, I think OP's wife's mental state is more of an urgent problem.
2574/r/dating_advice
2575/u/thedovelamenting
257623/11/2012, 17:25:32
2577For me at least it's the reality of what I find sexy. 
2578
2579It's also a major struggle for me to keep the up the persona of big strong confident alpha male, projecting high value all the way, and at the same time also sometimes be a caring, empathetic boyfriend when she needs it. But hey, I do it because it works for us and she finds one sexy and the other reassuring. The payoff is a great relationship and tons of amazing sex.
2580
2581It's not easy but the rewards are certainly worth it.  
2582/r/dating_advice
2583/u/thedovelamenting
258423/11/2012, 17:16:56
2585I was making an arbitrary distinction, but the point I was trying to make is that inner mental security is a good thing (certainly a pre-requisite for a relationship). Outwardly displaying that confidence externally to the rest of the world is fine, it's whatever, but it doesn't really breathe sexy. The caveman wants someone little and demure who he can stand over with his Big Club, and protect. 
2586
2587That said, once we get to the bedroom, that demure facade can go lose itself and it's time for the confident happy slut to come out ;)
2588/r/dating_advice
2589/u/thedovelamenting
259023/11/2012, 17:12:22
2591The career thing is completely true. I know very, very few high-powered career alpha males who have wives with even faintly similar careers, and none of those wives who do have high-powered careers have children. You might not necessarily want one of those guys (there are lots of reasons not to...), but if you do, they don't date Driven Career Woman Incarnate. 
2592/r/dating_advice
2593/u/thedovelamenting
259423/11/2012, 17:07:18
2595I probably wouldn't like it all that much. It's good on the one hand, because it does let me know you're definitely into me (which is nice, although there are other ways to communicate that), but on the other hand it's kind of a case of "woah, hold your horses, I was just getting to that. Why the need to rush?"
2596
2597The problem is that personally obvious "confidence" is not all that high on my list of sexy qualities in a woman. "Security" absolutely is, because insecure people are just a pain in the ass, but outwardly, in her external presentation, I prefer a woman to be demure and just a little bit of a tease. My inner caveman enjoys the chase. Not too much of a chase, but definitely a bit of one. 
2598
2599This is purely a personal view, so before Reddit downvotes me into oblivion, I don't claim this to be true for all men, and I obviously don't claim that women making moves is intrinsically a bad thing. I'm just saying I'd rather be the seducer.
2600/r/sex
2601/u/thedovelamenting
260223/11/2012, 16:25:04
2603Sex is one of the most important things in a relationship. Anyone who calls you shallow for breaking up over this is a complete and utter idiot. 
2604
2605If she's able to cut off all physical intimacy she's essentially replacing you, as source of intimacy, with God, and while I do respect the big fella in the sky I ain't sharing my girlfriend's pussy with him. If she's able to do so that suggests she's just not all that into you so...break up with her?
2606/r/relationships
2607/u/thedovelamenting
260823/11/2012, 16:09:09
2609It's a hard one, fella. Point out the patterns to her. Make her aware of how much her maltreatment of you hurts. Make it clear that you know she does try, but can't seem to manage it on her own. So clearly she needs some professional help. Frame it as "if you won't do this for yourself, then at least do it for me and our relationship, because our relationship needs to be better than this".
2610
2611I would try this during one of her "up" periods, and frame it as "things are good now, but I want to make sure they stay that way, and not relapse like they have in the past".
2612
2613Can you give us more detail about that divorce, depression, and anorexia that you mention in her past?
2614/r/relationships
2615/u/thedovelamenting
261623/11/2012, 15:58:24
2617Yeah, that's...not a very good sign. 
2618
2619OP, she really, really, really needs to see a psychologist. 
2620/r/relationships
2621/u/thedovelamenting
262223/11/2012, 15:56:51
2623Um, no. This woman is all but saying she hates herself. OP doesn't need to give her more flowers, she needs a doctor.
2624/r/sex
2625/u/thedovelamenting
262623/11/2012, 15:54:30
2627I think you probably need to take the lead a little bit more. Theologically speaking, she is your wife and should submit to you as unto the Lord, so if you want doggy, then it is your place to command her to get onto her hands and knees and her place to obey. If you want to eat her pussy out then just push her legs apart and get your tongue busy down there. Don't ask "is it OK if I eat you out", that's about as sexy as a wet mop. If you want a blow job you should get one, because she is your wife and your lover. If Dan Savage ("oral is standard") and the Bible agree with me on this one there's no way we can all be wrong. She's just being selfish really (which isn't very Christian...): sex isn't just a list of your favourite things. It's about being good, giving, and game for your lover.
2628
2629The secret trick to the biblical model of wifely submission (sexual or otherwise) is that many woman actually find submitting extremely erotic and arousing. /r/sex is completely full of examples every day.
2630
2631/r/relationships
2632/u/thedovelamenting
263323/11/2012, 15:41:48
2634That's not really ok. She has a duty as your wife to take care of herself: if she hates herself so much she won't do it for herself, she should at least do it for you. 
2635
2636Out of curiosity, do you have times where she treats you like you're the most amazing person ever, and times when she treats you (and herself) like garbage?
2637/r/relationships
2638/u/thedovelamenting
263923/11/2012, 15:23:35
2640She sounds depressed or personality disordered, at least in some respects. This "move to a new place" stuff is, along with home improvement projects, a classic thing women do to try to make themselves feel better when they're empty inside. 
2641
2642I think she probably needs to go to a doctor. 
2643/r/sex
2644/u/thedovelamenting
264523/11/2012, 15:12:31
2646I'm not a woman, so I'll refrain from any direct advice, because it seems to me that every woman gets there in a different way, so there's not much I can say that would be helpful.
2647
2648I will say this: orgasm is not the be-all and end-all of sexual experience: not for all men, and particularly not for some women. If it does turn out that despite extensive practice and experimentation you can't get there (quite possibly because of the SSRIs) then it doesn't mean you're "broken" or that there's anything wrong with you. Clarisse Thorn has written about this at
2649
2650http://clarissethorn.com/blog/2012/02/02/orgasms-arent-my-favorite-part-of-sex-and-my-chastity-urge/
2651
2652and
2653
2654http://clarissethorn.com/blog/2011/10/31/a-unified-theory-of-orgasm/
2655
2656Out of not-so-idle curiosity, what does "things that happened to me when I was younger" mean?
2657/r/dating_advice
2658/u/thedovelamenting
265923/11/2012, 14:06:12
2660Well, if you have all these things in common, you shouldn't be short of conversational topics. 
2661/r/sex
2662/u/thedovelamenting
266323/11/2012, 14:03:24
2664Alright, well, biblically speaking, God is completely down with you having 7x per week kickass kinky sex. In fact he positively endorses it: 1 Corinthians 7:3-5, Ephesians 5: 22-23, Proverbs 5: 18-19, and more or less the entirety of the Song of Solomon. I don't know if either of you retain any religious beliefs despite no long being Mormons, but possibly the pro-sex bits of the Bible might good to (re)introduce her to?
2665
2666Also the following sites:
2667
2668http://passionatechristianmarriage.wordpress.com/
2669
2670http://monogabliss.com/
2671
2672http://christiannymphos.org/
2673
2674http://redpillwifery.wordpress.com/
2675
2676http://thewomanandthedragon.wordpress.com/
2677
2678These might be helpful in rewiring her brain to the point where she no longer, consciously or subconsciously, sees a conflict between between a good Christian woman and serving you up 39 flavours of slut on command (as the authoress of "The Woman and the Dragon" quite wonderfully describes her sex life with her husband). It ought to be obvious that her wifely duty ought to consist not just of letting you masturbate into her vagina, but actively playing her part in building a fantastic sex life with you. Yes, that might require her pushing through some initial mental discomfort, but it is simply selfish and unchristian of her not to make the effort. 
2679
2680I would also email Athol Kay at Married Man Sex Life (http://marriedmansexlife.com/) as he counsels men in your position all the time, so much so he wound up writing a book to save time. It's worth a read.
2681
2682Disclaimer: I'm not a Mormon, so I don't really know what Mormon teachings on sex are - I wrote this post assuming they aren't wildly dissimilar to evangelical mainstream Christian teachings, which I'm tolerably familiar with.
2683/r/sex
2684/u/thedovelamenting
268523/11/2012, 13:27:19
2686Just surprised tbh. It's pretty rare for penetration to be completely impossible unless she's pretty small and you're exceptionally well-endowed. 
2687
2688But from one of your other posts it looks like you need to try lube first...
2689/r/sex
2690/u/thedovelamenting
269123/11/2012, 13:20:38
2692There is no possible way that a debilitating fear of others isn't objectively going to negatively impact your life. 
2693
2694*"70-80% of people in this world ARE self-obsessed douchebags worried about their numbers and willing to step on others to get what they want."*
2695
2696LOLOLOLOLOL.
2697/r/sex
2698/u/thedovelamenting
269923/11/2012, 13:12:24
2700Really? Lube, loads of foreplay, etc - none of that works? Is she a virgin? Can she get tampons in?
2701
2702Maybe vaginismus?
2703/r/sex
2704/u/thedovelamenting
270523/11/2012, 13:04:26
2706Well, he did say he tends to avoid getting involved with people as a whole, not just women. So it's unlikely to be purely a sexual thing. And his characterisation of other men being so completely off leads me to think he doesn't have many close male friends, if any.
2707/r/dating_advice
2708/u/thedovelamenting
270923/11/2012, 12:55:08
2710Just calm down and relax. Ask her out for a coffee or something but damp down your expectations. Underneath the apparent niceness she could be a raging bitch, or crazy. Or lousy in bed. Or have bad breath. Or any number of non-obvious disqualifying qualities. I very much hope for your sake she's all you think she is: I'm simply trying to discourage you from getting oneitis (http://rationalmale.wordpress.com/2011/08/30/there-is-no-one/) for someone you haven't even dated yet, let alone slept with.
2711/r/sex
2712/u/thedovelamenting
271323/11/2012, 12:51:34
2714Some form of therapy then, whatever works to deal with social and sexual anxiety that is clearly pretty severe.
2715/r/sex
2716/u/thedovelamenting
271723/11/2012, 12:21:33
2718Apart from "zomg it feels GOOD" (and it *does*), the fact that both my gf and I have big sex drives means that our relationship really is founded on desire and attraction.
2719/r/sex
2720/u/thedovelamenting
272123/11/2012, 11:49:03
2722*I'm a 20 year old male who is beginning to realise*
2723
2724Only now?
2725
2726*that I much prefer to have a wank than be intimate with another person*
2727
2728I'm curious to know as to whether or not your dislike of intimacy with a woman is based on experience?
2729
2730*especially women since I have somewhat of a fear of them.*
2731
2732Actually, it makes much more logical sense for women to be afraid of you. 
2733
2734*I tend to see other males in my age as 'go- getters'- obsessed with being dominant and obsessed with thier 'number' which may just be an inaccurate generalisation.*
2735
2736Looking solely at myself and my fairly extensive circle of friends and acquaintances, I would say this generalisation is completely inaccurate. 
2737
2738tl;dr sex is awesome, women aren't all that scary. You sound like maybe you could use some CBT or something to get over this?
2739/r/relationships
2740/u/thedovelamenting
274123/11/2012, 10:41:59
2742Clearly she's being selfish and doesn't really have much of a sex drive either. Frankly, I think she's also suffering from Magic Vagina syndrome as well (common among Clueless Virgins), whereby she thinks that all she has to do sexually is allow you access to her vagina, because dammit, that's the be-all-and-end-all of sex! Why should she have to put any effort in - you're the one getting lucky here. In her eyes, anyway.
2743
2744Don't marry this person. You aren't compatible. And no sex before marriage if you aren't religious is such a screaming redflag, it really is. It's almost comical actually. 
2745/r/relationships
2746/u/thedovelamenting
274722/11/2012, 21:15:21
2748Screaming redflags here. The penis size insecurity does look like a real problem but I actually also see a bit of Madonna/Whore complex going on, based on "This supposedly has to do with how he loses interest in girls after he "bangs" them." He's "serious" about you, sure, but in his head serious != sexual. 
2749
2750Proceed with caution.
2751/r/AdviceAnimals
2752/u/thedovelamenting
275322/11/2012, 20:36:42
2754romcoms  are 100x worse. I have porny  sex quite often but I've never known anyone who's had a romcom  relationship.
2755/r/relationships
2756/u/thedovelamenting
275722/11/2012, 12:34:51
2758Obviously break up if she's isn't going to look after herself. 
2759/r/relationships
2760/u/thedovelamenting
276122/11/2012, 11:55:23
2762In the friendzone there is no sex, hence you haven't friendzoned each other. You just haven't got round to the communication thing yet.
2763/r/relationships
2764/u/thedovelamenting
276522/11/2012, 09:21:33
2766Cavort and frolic joyfully with her. But don't ever let things  get serious.
2767/r/relationships
2768/u/thedovelamenting
276922/11/2012, 09:17:44
2770Sleep with them both  but tell  them your're not doing exclusive relationships right now. Keep those plates spinning and build yourself a harem.
2771/r/sex
2772/u/thedovelamenting
277321/11/2012, 15:37:22
2774It should be fine. Lots of foreplay, fingering your clit, lube, etc. Maybe half a glass of wine just to relax you. There's no good reason for penetration to hurt unless your respective anatomies are very ill-matched.
2775/r/sex
2776/u/thedovelamenting
277721/11/2012, 14:20:25
2778Oh stop it.
2779/r/sex
2780/u/thedovelamenting
278121/11/2012, 14:18:49
2782So either give her an ultimatum that she has to seriously start working on this problem (go with you to sex therapy etc), or you get divorced. Or if, you don't fancy that, either divorce her straight up or stay together and suffer in silence. Either way /r/sex is not your personal venting/lashing out forum. I can well understand if you need somewhere to do that: this isn't it.
2783/r/sex
2784/u/thedovelamenting
278521/11/2012, 14:00:45
2786Why not just give her an ultimatum?
2787
2788"If you won't make an effort to fix our marriage by coming to this therapy, then we won't be married any more." 
2789
2790If she chooses her "comfort" over her marriage then you can be quite sure you married the wrong person. You don't have kids so there isn't all that much downside to this. 
2791/r/sex
2792/u/thedovelamenting
279321/11/2012, 13:55:29
2794I understand, but he's not trying to reason her into desire, just reason her into going to therapy. I've seen people get over similar barriers re therapy because they rationally knew it was the right thing to do, even if emotionally it was hard, as I said in another post. So it's really not too much to ask.
2795/r/sex
2796/u/thedovelamenting
279721/11/2012, 13:50:04
2798I'm actually agnostic, but never mind...
2799/r/sex
2800/u/thedovelamenting
280121/11/2012, 13:47:38
2802Tbh that sounds more like just a low libido person/someone who isn't into you sexually (one or the other) using their past to cockblock you. People with genuine desire and who are attracted to their partners go to therapy, even if it's difficult. I've known female friends of mine with abusive pasts go to rape counselling sessions they found very difficult because they were extremely determined to make their sex lives with their boyfriends better. 
2803/r/sex
2804/u/thedovelamenting
280521/11/2012, 13:42:20
2806And how long do you think that will last for? How long before the frustration you've expressed here spills over into resentment, even hatred, and all the love is corroded away?
2807/r/sex
2808/u/thedovelamenting
280921/11/2012, 13:33:15
2810That's completely ridiculous. She must rationally know that 1) your sex life is bad and 2) married people are supposed to have lots of good sex. Even if she can't accept this emotionally, because of the cultural programming, she must know it rationally. She must also know the negative effects her upbringing had on her. It is a serious neglect of her duties to you as her husband not to try, at least, to get these issues fixed. "Doesn't feel comfortable" isn't good enough: it is morally wrong not to go to the therapy. It is almost a passive-aggressive assault on the foundations of your marriage. Even if it's painful, we have a duty to be the best person we can be for our partner.
2811
2812/r/sex
2813/u/thedovelamenting
281421/11/2012, 13:14:01
2815And have you been to specialist therapy, with a focus on sexuality?
2816/r/sex
2817/u/thedovelamenting
281821/11/2012, 13:11:49
2819For the kids? I'd struggle to think of another reason if such a basic part of the marriage contract, a good sex life, was cut out. 
2820/r/sex
2821/u/thedovelamenting
282221/11/2012, 13:08:52
2823I do sympathize. It is awful to see and hear about and it does happen far too often.
2824
2825If you think your sex life is permanently fucked do you plan on staying together or giving up?
2826/r/sex
2827/u/thedovelamenting
282821/11/2012, 13:08:04
2829It too often is that way, but it really doesn't have to be that way.
2830/r/sex
2831/u/thedovelamenting
283221/11/2012, 13:00:59
2833Has she read 1 Corinthians 7:3-5, Ephesians 5: 22-23, and Proverbs 5: 18-19?
2834
2835Also the entirety of the Song of Solomon?
2836
2837There are some great blogs out there for Christians who want amazing biblically-blessed sex: 
2838
2839http://passionatechristianmarriage.wordpress.com/
2840
2841http://christiannymphos.org/
2842
2843http://monogabliss.com/
2844
2845http://redpillwifery.wordpress.com/
2846
2847Christian Nymphos I fell in love with when I read their careful explanation of how doing anal was compatible with Scripture.
2848
2849There is really nothing in the Bible anywhere that says you can't have a rocking sex life as a married couple. In fact it's positively encouraged. There's actually not all that much support for the no-sex-before-marriage train either, which is the main thing that tends to cause major problems. 
2850/r/sex
2851/u/thedovelamenting
285221/11/2012, 12:51:10
2853On her side, or yours? What religion?
2854/r/sex
2855/u/thedovelamenting
285621/11/2012, 12:37:39
2857Hmm. It's not about the looks. I dominate my girlfriend both in the bedroom and outside of it, and I'm five foot ten inches tall and top the scales at a mighty 70kgs (154 lbs). I'm around a 37 inch chest and despite being reasonably toned the overall impression you'd get from looking at me is "athletic, but pretty darn svelte". 
2858
2859Having a bit of toning/muscle isn't a bad thing, but for the most part it's about the mind. Dominance is not all about physical strength, although you'd be an idiot to say that doesn't matter at all (yet if that was all that dominance was, dommes, pro or otherwise, wouldn't exist). Control is about more than brute power. Submission, for the most part, is in the mind; the mind becomes convinced that this person is worthy of giving their body up to.
2860
2861Worth is demonstrated through constant displays of high value. Not through having a hairy chest or being grizzled....
2862/r/sex
2863/u/thedovelamenting
286421/11/2012, 10:59:59
2865Any guy who hears this:
2866
2867"hey, I'd totally love it if you fucked me rough and relentlessly btw"
2868
2869Is going to be thinking 
2870
2871"keeper".
2872
2873But if you want more serious BDSMy stuff, check out your local munch?
2874/r/sex
2875/u/thedovelamenting
287621/11/2012, 10:58:34
2877Tell him what you want.
2878
2879"I like to be bitten and spanked etc. Can we try some more of that in bed? And is there anything you want from me that we haven't been doing?"
2880
2881I warn you, though, you cannot turn a truly vanilla person kinky. Some people just cannot get there heads around the concept of dishing out even the smallest amount of consensual pain.
2882/r/sex
2883/u/thedovelamenting
288421/11/2012, 10:47:21
2885Well, don't worry too much about the whole magical experience thing. It's two virgins getting it on, it's likely to be a bit awkward. At least at first, and maybe you'll hit the jackpot. The most important thing is that everyone feels reasonably happy afterwards and everything fit in the right places. Also that no one got pregnant. 
2886/r/sex
2887/u/thedovelamenting
288820/11/2012, 15:21:59
2889Um, well for now he seems OK, but he's only early 20s and this could potentially cause problems down the line. Prone masturbation does seem to carry real risks. I might actually ask if you can watch him one time and see if he's putting pressure on his penis, like rubbing it against a pillow or the mattress. If he's not I guess it's OK, but it probably would be better long-term if he learned to masturbate the usual way. 
2890/r/sex
2891/u/thedovelamenting
289220/11/2012, 15:11:08
2893I think she has vaginismus because she's grossed out at the thought of sex and touch, not the other way around. This really does sound psychosomatic. I agree that she needs specialist therapy.
2894/r/sex
2895/u/thedovelamenting
289619/11/2012, 16:12:47
2897Get her legs in the air. 
2898/r/sex
2899/u/thedovelamenting
290019/11/2012, 16:07:35
2901Who cares? I don't even notice this any more, although it usually happens during PiV with us, not fingering. 
2902/r/relationships
2903/u/thedovelamenting
290417/11/2012, 17:38:22
2905Good post. I do love sleeping with my gf and wouldn't like separate bedrooms/sleeping apart but so long as you're shagging with cheerful regularity it's all good.
2906/r/relationships
2907/u/thedovelamenting
290816/11/2012, 19:14:44
2909I have no idea what the best thing for you to do is, ethically or practically, but I do know I couldn't remain friends with this person.
2910/r/relationships
2911/u/thedovelamenting
291216/11/2012, 18:52:13
2913Yeah, well I wouldn't love my girlfriend if I only had sex with her once every two months, and that in pretty short order. Instead of walking out on your marriage I would try to fix your sex life and identify what went wrong here, and what you could do to make it better. Clearly she was attracted to you once. What's changed? If you start having sex every day I don't think you'll have much difficulty falling in love with your wife (again?).
2914
2915I strongly suspect your rationalisation hamster is rewriting history to justify leaving with this "I never loved her" stuff. Take a good hard look. Is that really true?
2916/r/relationships
2917/u/thedovelamenting
291816/11/2012, 18:14:24
2919Well, the good news is that she was definitely sexually attracted to you at some point, even if she isn't any more. You can definitely get it back. Read the book and blog, and run your situation past the forum.
2920/r/relationships
2921/u/thedovelamenting
292216/11/2012, 17:56:03
2923and at the beginning?
2924/r/relationships
2925/u/thedovelamenting
292616/11/2012, 17:54:51
2927It is delusional to think that kids who are products of healthy marriages don't, in general, have far better outcomes than kids who are products of divorce. Without the kids I would just advise OP to leave because his wife is behaving terribly (assuming he can afford it). But with the kids is a different story. 
2928/r/relationships
2929/u/thedovelamenting
293016/11/2012, 17:51:33
2931Ok, but the kids are the main reason to try to fix the marriage (apart from the money). 
2932/r/relationships
2933/u/thedovelamenting
293416/11/2012, 17:47:09
2935It's too early too assume this marriage can't be fixed. If it can, OP should try. 
2936/r/relationships
2937/u/thedovelamenting
293816/11/2012, 17:40:02
2939Did she ever touch you, either sexually or non-sexually, frequently without you initiating? Cuddles, back rubs, etc? Did you ever have sex at 3x per week or more?
2940/r/relationships
2941/u/thedovelamenting
294216/11/2012, 17:10:42
2943I second the recommendation to read Athol Kay's Married Man Sex Life. Also the blog, also the forum (which will probably have better advice than here). Even if your wife is being a pain in the ass you have a real incentive to keep trying to make things work in the form of your kids.
2944
2945Most important question: have you ever been properly intimate? What was your sexual peak? What was your honeymoon phase like?
2946
2947/r/dating_advice
2948/u/thedovelamenting
294916/11/2012, 11:46:45
2950I'm guessing you're one of the the plates he has spinning. If you're down with that good on you, and if you want to ask him if this is right there's no harm in doing so. 
2951/r/relationships
2952/u/thedovelamenting
295316/11/2012, 11:10:30
2954When you get home then. Jeez, there has to be some level of attraction and arousal for a relationship to work. Unless you're both asexual. 
2955/r/relationships
2956/u/thedovelamenting
295716/11/2012, 11:05:53
2958Oh, just break up already.
2959/r/relationships
2960/u/thedovelamenting
296116/11/2012, 01:59:02
2962Get t levels checked? Has he ever had ED or anything?
2963/r/relationships
2964/u/thedovelamenting
296516/11/2012, 01:48:12
2966This is starting to set off my depression buttons more and more. Maybe talk to him and consider a visit to a doctor/therapist. 
2967/r/sex
2968/u/thedovelamenting
296916/11/2012, 01:44:43
2970I would stay away from all hormonal options if you're this sensitive. Just make sure they STI screen you first (they should) to avoid the risk of pelvic inflammatory disease. Otherwise you should be good to go. There will be a risk to anything you do here unfortunately, and I have heard far fewer bad IUD stories than I have horror pill stories, where so many women I know, up to and including my younger sister, have had a rough time. 
2971/r/sex
2972/u/thedovelamenting
297316/11/2012, 01:34:07
2974Common story, I've heard it a fair bit from some female friends. I'd look into a copper IUD. 
2975/r/relationships
2976/u/thedovelamenting
297716/11/2012, 00:45:50
2978Yup, having a life outside the home is an essential part of healthy living. Maybe he's feeling some negative effects here. 
2979/r/relationships
2980/u/thedovelamenting
298116/11/2012, 00:44:32
2982Then things remaining to rule out include low T and depression. I would try to do so. What exactly does a "bit of a gut mean"? Do you have a precise weight, a BMI? His height?
2983
2984But really, this "together all the time" stuff sounds like the problem. Over-familiarity might not breed contempt but it certainly doesn't help with attraction. Distance yourself a bit. And make yourself into the hottest MILF you can be. Try if possible to engineer a situation where he can see other guys checking you out. 
2985/r/relationships
2986/u/thedovelamenting
298716/11/2012, 00:34:16
2988My head hurts. This dude refused a blowjob from his wife. WTF?
2989
2990Ok, practical thoughts:
2991
2992Run through these questions and answer them:
2993
2994http://marriedmansexlife.com/2012/07/how-to-figure-out-what-is-wrong-in-your-sex-life/
2995
2996Possible common medical issues are low testosterone (can be treated medically) and anti-depressants. Alternatively he could very well be depressed himself. 
2997
2998It doesn't sound like you have structural issues, but if one or both of your is overweight that's not going to help. If it's you he won't be attracted; if him then being overweight can also hurt testosterone levels. 
2999
3000Any critical moments that he might be holding resentment from?
3001
3002Rule out another woman.
3003
3004And lastly, if that all checks out, likely the routine has got a bit boring. Spend some more time away from him: up your girl game; get in the best, hottest shape you can be in; buy some more slutty clothing, wear those sexy panties non-stop, grow your hair long, etc, etc. See how long it takes before he starts jumping you again.
3005/r/dating_advice
3006/u/thedovelamenting
300715/11/2012, 21:50:39
3008Oh fix your damn marriage before you start doing this shit. Or end it. But not this.
3009/r/sex
3010/u/thedovelamenting
301114/11/2012, 19:50:37
3012Lube? More lube? 
3013/r/sex
3014/u/thedovelamenting
301514/11/2012, 19:28:25
3016I'm sure you'll be fine. But talking to him sounds like a good idea.
3017/r/sex
3018/u/thedovelamenting
301914/11/2012, 19:27:31
3020Oh god, the redflags.
3021/r/sex
3022/u/thedovelamenting
302314/11/2012, 19:24:33
3024Ok, good. And please remember ultimately we are responsible for our own orgasms and sexual pleasure. It's real nice that you want her to cum so bad, but it's not your job or anything. 
3025/r/sex
3026/u/thedovelamenting
302714/11/2012, 19:15:06
3028Jeez, chill out. Bodies are complicated and not everyone can come from someone else's efforts. My gf has orgasmed just once from oral ever, but actually it's extremely rare for her to cum even from her own unaided masturbation - she needs vibration. 
3029
3030It feels like you're pressuring her over this. Relax. 
3031/r/sex
3032/u/thedovelamenting
303314/11/2012, 19:00:22
3034Well, you have far more experience with your penis that she does, so you know what gets you off. She doesn't. It might just be a question of practice. I've never got there from BJs either, but it's never bothered me in the slightest. My dick isn't all that sensitive, so I've just put it down to that. 
3035/r/sex
3036/u/thedovelamenting
303714/11/2012, 18:51:46
3038Well, rough sex is only a bad idea for you if it re-traumatizes you or gives you flashbacks. That is possible but by no means inevitable or likely. 
3039
3040As for ideas: he throws you around a bit in bed, pulls your hair, pins your arms down, holds your throat, back of your neck, cums on your face?
3041
3042/r/sex
3043/u/thedovelamenting
304414/11/2012, 18:10:45
3045http://marriedmansexlife.com/ - try this out. 
3046/r/sex
3047/u/thedovelamenting
304814/11/2012, 18:04:51
3049Nope. You can feel it a tiny bit at first, and very occasionally thereafter, but mostly it just settles down and does its job invisibly, intangibly, and effectively. My gf loves the thing.
3050/r/sex
3051/u/thedovelamenting
305214/11/2012, 18:01:14
3053Also "ultrathin" and "natural" ones broke far more easily than standard industrial gloop-fests the NHS hands out for free. Those didn't break, but didn't feel so great either.
3054/r/sex
3055/u/thedovelamenting
305614/11/2012, 18:00:20
3057I dunno, maybe I was doing something wrong. It's quite possible. It was only one out of about every 50+ condoms, but then we were (and still are  :)) having a lot of sex. 
3058/r/sex
3059/u/thedovelamenting
306014/11/2012, 17:57:27
3061http://marriedmansexlife.vanillaforums.com/discussion/1589/the-banging-thread-part-1 - for you.
3062
3063http://marriedmansexlife.vanillaforums.com/discussion/1642/the-banging-thread-part-2 - for her.
3064
3065Given that you both seem to enjoy a dominance/submission dynamic in the bedroom, both those lists should be good. 
3066
3067If you're struggling to maintain your dominant mentality because you're worried about hurting her, or whatever, fix up a safeword (red/yellow/green, maybe?) so you always know she's down for whatever's happening. That should help with some of your "roadblocks".
3068
3069As far as opening her up sexually, I would just give her more and more of what she likes in bed and see how she responds. Try having more conversations about sex out of the bedroom when temperatures aren't running so high. 
3070/r/sex
3071/u/thedovelamenting
307214/11/2012, 17:37:09
3073<grins>
3074/r/sex
3075/u/thedovelamenting
307614/11/2012, 17:31:18
3077Yeah, this is true. I will point out that I'm circumcised so maybe have a little bit less sensation than I otherwise would, so perhaps that's why condoms aren't such a big deal for me. 
3078/r/sex
3079/u/thedovelamenting
308014/11/2012, 17:17:09
3081Since February. Nothing to report so far. Once in a blue moon I can feel it very faintly during the odd thrust, but very rarely. 
3082/r/sex
3083/u/thedovelamenting
308414/11/2012, 17:03:24
3085Yeah, the slight downside of condoms was a) the odd breakage and b) it's marginally less sensation, and she likes the feeling of my cum inside her.
3086
3087But on the upside, I at least found I could definitely last a bit longer ;)
3088
3089They won't ruin your sex life, no. They're absolutely fine, and have upsides. But I would check out the IUD option. 
3090/r/sex
3091/u/thedovelamenting
309214/11/2012, 16:58:20
3093Condoms are fine. I've had some great condom sex times that I (the man) really enjoyed. I didn't find them massively less enjoyable than non-condom sex, although my partner and I do both prefer bareback. She now has an IUD. The problem really with condoms was that it was too easy, seemingly, to break the little fuckers and not notice until after orgasm.
3094
3095I've not heard any horror stories in my circle of problems with IUDs (much less hormone than the various Pills, non-hormonal if you get the copper option), but obviously she does have to get STI tested first because otherwise pelvic inflammatory disease can be a problem. Otherwise all should be well.
3096/r/sex
3097/u/thedovelamenting
309814/11/2012, 16:52:29
3099Does she read any erotica? Watch any porn? Any hints you can glean from those?
3100/r/sex
3101/u/thedovelamenting
310214/11/2012, 16:49:36
3103Ask her about her fantasies, what she'd like to try? Go through a checklist maybe?
3104/r/relationships
3105/u/thedovelamenting
310614/11/2012, 16:35:39
3107No, obviously do not commit to this person. Do you really want to gamble your future sex life on a roulette wheel? Because that's all it is. 
3108/r/sex
3109/u/thedovelamenting
311014/11/2012, 14:01:50
3111Just relax. Have a normal dating/seduction life and worry about this as it comes up. There are also some positions (doggy, missionary with her legs on your shoulders) that maximise penetration. Some girls need a big dick to feel good, sure: others have small vaginas and have real problems with big dicks, preferring smaller ones. You'll be fine, this is hardly a crippling structural issue or anything. It's only as big a problem (heh) as you let it be.
3112/r/relationships
3113/u/thedovelamenting
311413/11/2012, 21:05:22
3115Is she in therapy? If not, why not?
3116/r/relationships
3117/u/thedovelamenting
311813/11/2012, 19:40:48
3119You sound like you already know what you're going to do and are just seeking confirmation. Nothing I say will change the outcome, I think. 
3120
3121But no, this doesn't really sound like a relationship with a future if you fight all the time after just 3 years, and haven't progressed beyond the dating stage in that time. You also don't say one good thing about him here, which is interesting to note.
3122/r/relationships
3123/u/thedovelamenting
312413/11/2012, 19:24:02
3125You're considering dropping the whole issue and he's considering cheating. Somehow this doesn't quite add up. 
3126
3127I mean, he is obviouly bi (at least), but it's his prospective infidelity that is the real issue here, not his sexuality. You can't act like this in any relationship, let alone a marriage, jeez. 
3128/r/sex
3129/u/thedovelamenting
313012/11/2012, 01:02:02
3131Ex-actly.
3132/r/sex
3133/u/thedovelamenting
313411/11/2012, 14:06:58
3135I feel sorry for you that you're ignorant of reality. Also that you think "knowing your partner has options" is a bad thing. Perhaps "avoiding complacency" is a better wording than insecurity or dread.
3136/r/sex
3137/u/thedovelamenting
313811/11/2012, 13:46:24
3139I would give exactly the same advice to a man. Can't speak for anyone else. I never said it was pretty but it is effective. Attraction and desire do need a certain measure of insecurity, dread, etc to truly flourish.
3140/r/sex
3141/u/thedovelamenting
314211/11/2012, 13:44:23
3143Well, I'm glad he has good literary tastes. Well-written porn is very important.
3144
3145I'm probably not the person to talk to here, as my porn is actually much more vanilla (mostly, apart from bits of erotica like the incest) than my sex life, bizarrely enough. But I've never thought of porn as competition for my girlfriend...I might wank off to Stoya because she is hot as hell but while my girlfriend might not be as objectively hot she is still a) very gorgeous, b) amazing in bed and c) y'know, there's love and stuff there. Porn is awesome but it just doesn't match up, really. It's its own separate thing in some ways.
3146/r/sex
3147/u/thedovelamenting
314811/11/2012, 13:31:33
3149Have more sex. This is widely agreed to be the easiest and one of the most effective ways to up your libido.
3150/r/sex
3151/u/thedovelamenting
315211/11/2012, 13:26:51
3153Get your testosterone checked, maybe?
3154/r/sex
3155/u/thedovelamenting
315611/11/2012, 11:39:38
3157Eh, I was just about to say that "shocking" had better include scat otherwise I was going to be very unimpressed, and lo and behold it did. 
3158
3159When you say "pedophila", what exactly do you mean by this?
3160
3161I don't see all that much to worry about here: fantasies are strange things. Unpredictable, of uncertain origin, hard to figure how they'll relate to real life. I have a thing for incest erotica myself despite never having had those fantasies relating to my actual family. So long as he's not actually breaking any laws and is restricting his viewing habits to girls 18 up I wouldn't be too squicked. If he's not...
3162
3163That said, the fact that he felt the need to lie to you about his little predilections isn't exactly the best relationship health indicator ever. It may also be the case that his supposed low sex drive isn't exactly genuine either - it's only low as far as concerns the kind of sex you've been having. But I could be way off there.
3164
3165/r/sex
3166/u/thedovelamenting
316711/11/2012, 11:15:41
3168You champ. Well done sir ;)
3169/r/sex
3170/u/thedovelamenting
317111/11/2012, 11:11:42
3172Well, this all sounds like low testosterone (erection problems, the weight gain, the inactivity), which I'm guessing he's been checked for, hence the Cialis (which I understand indirectly raises T levels), but if he won't take it regularly you're pretty fucked. Not much you can do there. He needs an incentive, so I would forget about him for now and work on getting yourself into the best and hottest shape possible, go out there and get some interest (incl. phone numbers) from some hot young guys. Don't actually have an affair, but make it clear to your husband, not all that subtly, that you have options and aren't just going to passively sit around accepting this BS. If running this mild dread game doesn't work, then present him with a clear ultimatum: he either gets back in shape and takes the medication regularly or you'll divorce his ass. 
3173
3174The advantage of doing it this way is that if, regrettably, you do wind up having to leave him, you're in fine shape to meet someone else. 
3175/r/sex
3176/u/thedovelamenting
317711/11/2012, 10:56:10
3178I'm a straight dude and I think James Deen is pretty darn sexy. So you aren't alone ;)
3179/r/relationships
3180/u/thedovelamenting
318111/11/2012, 09:59:29
3182Agreed.
3183/r/relationships
3184/u/thedovelamenting
318511/11/2012, 09:58:56
3186Actually this dynamic might look like age play but isn't really related to it. 
3187/r/relationships
3188/u/thedovelamenting
318911/11/2012, 09:58:04
3190How on earth do you figure that one out? It's a consensual relationship dynamic, just like any other. Is it the telling her that is manipulative? Again, I don't really see how.
3191/r/relationships
3192/u/thedovelamenting
319311/11/2012, 09:56:46
3194Wrong subreddit, dude. Run this past /r/BDSMcommunity, or just ask on U35 on Fetlife. 
3195
3196Good luck, I hope you find a little with whom you have a wonderful and fulfilling relationship ;)
3197/r/relationships
3198/u/thedovelamenting
319910/11/2012, 00:35:34
3200Oh don't be silly.
3201/r/relationships
3202/u/thedovelamenting
320309/11/2012, 17:43:33
3204I probably would have called the police when he sent the picture, but telling the principal is fine as well (definitely better than keeping silent!). Well done. 
3205/r/relationships
3206/u/thedovelamenting
320709/11/2012, 15:54:45
3208This sounds like a relationship without the, ahem, benefits (if you catch my drift). That's a bit messed up really and certainly isn't sustainable. 
3209/r/relationships
3210/u/thedovelamenting
321109/11/2012, 10:45:17
3212Well, I've known other men who have had to have adult circumcisions and I can certainly back your husband up on this one: they aren't a barrel of laughs. If the reason that your husband got circumcised is a genetic one that your son is also highly likely to suffer from eventually, then yes, do it now. 
3213
3214Otherwise I'd probably just leave your son's dick alone and leave him to settle the issue himself later on. It's his dick. Frankly though I think the internet overstates how big a deal this is either way: the risk of circumcision is absolutely minute (certainly no worse than the risk of vaccinations), and the long-term downsides, if any, pretty negligible.
3215/r/dating_advice
3216/u/thedovelamenting
321707/11/2012, 18:21:24
3218Yeah, I didn't think so. Don't worry about scaring her, this isn't her first time and she's not going to have timorous virginal quivering at the thought of sex. Chances are she's up for it if you just Drive That Train. Quite apart from everything else you want to check that everything works in that department on her side, and for both of you you can't really know if you're actually sexually attracted to each other without getting down and dirty. And trust me, you really don't want to be in a relationship with someone who either doesn't turn you on, or isn't turned on by you. Check out /r/deadbedrooms if you want to see why ;)
3219/r/dating_advice
3220/u/thedovelamenting
322107/11/2012, 18:16:27
3222Is she a virgin?
3223/r/dating_advice
3224/u/thedovelamenting
322507/11/2012, 18:10:30
3226So amp up the seduction and let things flow naturally from there.
3227/r/dating_advice
3228/u/thedovelamenting
322907/11/2012, 18:09:59
3230Ok, but the bedding ought to come before you seriously commit to anything, it should be that way round. It's better for both of you actually, not that this widely acknowledged.
3231/r/dating_advice
3232/u/thedovelamenting
323307/11/2012, 17:49:56
3234Yeah, it's too much sound and not enough fury. When you get a solid hint that the green light is on you've got to Drive That Train (final destination: the bedroom), and by that I mean get over there, flirt, bring up the social network thing, she blushes, you kiss her, etc, etc, etc. But you don't send texts, whatever you do. She's quite right that you don't ask her to start formally dating (whatever this means - exclusivity, right?) over text either. Again it's just...no. She probably thinks at this point you're either completely disinterested or just completely lame. 
3235
3236Tbh this dating and asking her out stuff just doesn't feel like it's going anywhere. Where's your eventual destination? You need to be clear on this. If you want to have sex with her you're going about it completely the wrong way. If you're on the abstinence train and just want a relationship without the sex then ok, but this probably isn't the right way to go about it either. What's the goal here?
3237/r/dating_advice
3238/u/thedovelamenting
323907/11/2012, 17:21:50
3240Well, the first bit of it - the social networking bit - is whatever - but WHY OH WHY OH WHY OH WHY did you text her? If she says yes you can't kiss her over text, as you found out. You're supposed to do that kind of thing in person....
3241
3242Plus, it just looks so bad, doing it over text. It makes you look either lame, weak, or disinterested - and none of those three are things you want to project. 
3243/r/dating_advice
3244/u/thedovelamenting
324507/11/2012, 16:45:52
3246"...and I admitted our feelings for each other back in September." - isn't this the moment when you kiss her? If not, why not?
3247/r/relationships
3248/u/thedovelamenting
324907/11/2012, 14:23:36
3250You roll her fucking cigarettes?
3251
3252Jeez, the rest I could maybe understand, that one's way out there.
3253/r/relationships
3254/u/thedovelamenting
325506/11/2012, 18:47:08
3256He probably thinks you're a bit of a creepy fuck up, which to be honest you probably are. Shoving drinks at someone to get them inebriated so they'll fuck you is just bad behaviour. Trying to apologize over text is bad form too. This sort of thing requires humility in person. Don't keep your hopes up as far as this guy is concerned: just try to never do it again with anyone else. 
3257/r/relationships
3258/u/thedovelamenting
325906/11/2012, 18:32:40
3260Oh, god knows what's going on with this girl. It sounds like a complete mindfuck. Asexual, gay, or not that into you - take your pick, it's probably one of those three, but who knows? Dump her and find someone else who will fuck you joyfully with sweet abandon, and who doesn't keep changing her mind about her sexuality every 5 minutes. This relationship sounds doomed and too much drama anyway.
3261/r/relationships
3262/u/thedovelamenting
326306/11/2012, 02:45:48
3264There is a difference between rape fantasies and for-real rape. You shouldn't confuse the two. 
3265/r/relationships
3266/u/thedovelamenting
326706/11/2012, 01:38:28
3268It's none of your business. They are his fantasies and it is most certainly not your job to police them. Leave him well alone over this. Bringing it up will achieve nothing but hurt feelings and unresolvable anguish.
3269
3270For the record, incest erotica gets me off in a big way. I have no idea why and have never fantasized about having sex with anyone in my family. It's just One of Those Things. My girlfriend is big into rape fantasies and for her they are a major kink. For no obvious reason (no history of sexual abuse or anything). Fantasies are complicated things, impossible to control, of uncertain origin, and I can state that with 100% certainty his are in no way meant to make you feel bad.
3271
3272Also don't snoop. You asshole. 
3273/r/ihaveissues
3274/u/thedovelamenting
327505/11/2012, 15:23:57
3276I'm guessing they will tell you to get referred via your GP at university. I'm surprised you're so negative about your uni's health centre, my experience in London has been in general pretty positive. Oh well.
3277/r/ihaveissues
3278/u/thedovelamenting
327905/11/2012, 15:20:07
3280And while I realize it is unusual for UK citizens to have access to private healthcare I thought it best to ask, because getting into the NHS mental health system if you aren't dangerous or under 18 is really really hard and slow. If you don't have insurance it might be worth finding out what the cash rates are privately. 
3281
3282Yes, liberal Americans, that socialized medicine you love the idea of so much has its drawbacks. Largely in the form of completely lousy or hard-to-access care for non-emergency cases. If you aren't dying or about to kill someone it's really tough.
3283/r/ihaveissues
3284/u/thedovelamenting
328505/11/2012, 15:11:13
3286If you live in or near London the Tavistock Clinic comes thoroughly recommended. You can self-refer - although this is not common practice - or get your GP to refer you. Be prepared to wait because 1) you aren't about to die or be committed to mental hospital and 2) NHS mental healthcare is generally very very slow to access. Alternatively I would look at private options if you have enough cash lying around, or insurance, or (at a stretch) you might still be covered on a parent's insurance should you be so lucky.
3287/r/ihaveissues
3288/u/thedovelamenting
328905/11/2012, 14:48:14
3290AFAIK you should be able to find a therapist who specializes in sexual trauma - or at least has significant experience in the field - without too much difficulty. I can't be more helpful than that unless you live in the UK, which has a rather unique (and annoying) healthcare system. 
3291
3292One more anecdote though. A friend of mine was raped by an ex-boyfriend and despite therapy occasionally does suffer flashbacks to that. The most common trigger for these occasional flashbacks is sex with her current boyfriend - not his fault, just happens every now and then. But, interestingly enough, every time this has happened, they've continued having sex once she's calmed down and recovered. In this way the overall memory of sex is positive for them both. I've always thought this has been a fantastic thing for them, despite being rather counter-intuitive on the face of it. 
3293
3294tl;dr: specialist therapy should help but don't expect it to be a cure-all. But even then the past rape(s) do not have to define your sex life.
3295
3296Best of luck, I really hope it works out for you. 
3297/r/relationships
3298/u/thedovelamenting
329905/11/2012, 14:37:50
3300For the love of god do not get engaged to this person right now and be very very careful of doing so in the future. It is highly disrespectful of her to push like this. 
3301/r/ihaveissues
3302/u/thedovelamenting
330305/11/2012, 14:32:13
3304Have you had/are you in any therapy? This reaction isn't uncommon but you can work through it. There are professionals who can help.
3305/r/relationships
3306/u/thedovelamenting
330705/11/2012, 02:32:15
3308My question for you is, however, why you married someone so immature? Or was it not obvious beforehand?
3309/r/relationships
3310/u/thedovelamenting
331103/11/2012, 20:10:51
3312The asshole bit I will agree with, yes;) Though I don't mean to suggest she's being deliberately manipulative or doing this consciously in any way. It's just natural. 
3313
3314As for single male virgins, I get laid like tile in a loving LTR with the girl of my dreams who I'm planning to propose to in month or two. I don't know about anyone else.
3315/r/relationships
3316/u/thedovelamenting
331702/11/2012, 20:16:35
3318Oh, no, you don't have sex addiction. You're just really really horny. 
3319/r/relationships
3320/u/thedovelamenting
332102/11/2012, 20:12:27
3322Same principles apply to LTRs.
3323/r/dating_advice
3324/u/thedovelamenting
332502/11/2012, 20:05:03
3326Amp up the flirting, make out, get naked, have sex, have a conversation about exclusivity where you make it clear that you're serious and exclusive. Easy enough. Then return to having more sex.
3327/r/relationships
3328/u/thedovelamenting
332902/11/2012, 19:56:29
3330It's crazy no matter where it comes from, be it cultural, religious, the result of abuse, whatever. I'm not blaming her, I'm just saying she's nuts.  Every crazy person I've known ever had some terrible background one way or another. 
3331/r/relationships
3332/u/thedovelamenting
333302/11/2012, 19:52:08
3334Um, that is definitely a bit nuts no matter what generation you are from. Not even the damn Victorians thought like that.
3335/r/relationships
3336/u/thedovelamenting
333702/11/2012, 19:36:13
3338What??
3339
3340Holy shit your mom be crazy. 
3341/r/dating_advice
3342/u/thedovelamenting
334302/11/2012, 18:56:42
3344"Do you want a coffee?"
3345
3346I mean, everyone knows that "coffee" = fucking, but it's a convenient euphemism that means no one feels trashy.
3347
3348Quite why you would drink a coffee so late at night, thus precluding the possibility of sleep, is an interesting question. Perhaps the very weirdness of the question is why it's become such a popular phrase.
3349/r/relationships
3350/u/thedovelamenting
335102/11/2012, 18:05:45
3352I would say it's not really wrong even if they haven't had the conversation - assuming she's the one who's closed the gates of boning (no idea if that's the case or not). In which case it's probably more ethical to divorce, but not entirely unethical to cheat. A sexless marriage is a sham and a fraud wherein there can be no expectation of monogamy (if there are no medical issues etc and no one's asexual).
3353
3354I'm not sure anyone will have any good advice on learning to be cool with it. I mean, you did see your dad having Skype sex with a friend. That's pretty unusual and fairly scarring. Just give it time I guess. I have no idea what you do when you see her.
3355/r/relationships
3356/u/thedovelamenting
335702/11/2012, 17:46:17
3358Your friend is an adult and so is your dad. Ultimately I don't think you really have any obligation to do anything or talk to anyone here. If your parents have no sex and haven't shared a room in forever they probably just turn a blind eye when needed, I would guess. Is he really doing anything wrong? Chalk it up to experience and move on. 
3359/r/relationships
3360/u/thedovelamenting
336102/11/2012, 17:12:36
3362Well he clearly doesn't have a problem discussing his desires with you then, so if he wants to do something sexual that's shemale related you can probably safely assume he'll just say so. I still don't see any reason to bring this up. Very possibly he just wants this to remain his private business.
3363
3364There's no real reason to think he actually does want to try anything either. Plenty of straight guys get turned on by penises, and shemale porn offers both penises and hot women, so his enjoyment of this porn could easily be something as straightforward as that, rather than a specific fetish. 
3365/r/dating_advice
3366/u/thedovelamenting
336702/11/2012, 17:08:12
3368So hold her hand. What's the worst that can happen? Then escalate to kissing over time. And before you know it you'll be doing the wild thing twice a day, with a bit of luck.
3369
3370And I strongly, strongly counsel against being OK with the no-sex-before-marriage train. Marrying someone without having had sex with them is literally flipping a coin weighted against you with one of the most important decisions of your life. You have no idea if the person you are committing to will have a libido that matches up with yours, have compatible kinks, fit well with you in bed, etc. All this stuff is really important and ends marriages every day. You want as much info in the bedroom department as you can possibly get before marriage.
3371/r/relationships
3372/u/thedovelamenting
337302/11/2012, 16:59:13
3374Such as?
3375/r/dating_advice
3376/u/thedovelamenting
337702/11/2012, 16:50:11
3378Wow, that is an enormous weight loss in a very short time - you've lost more than my entire body weight, and I'm a 5"10 male. Very well done sir. You should be proud. Great stuff.
3379
3380And no, don't tell her bad things about you. That can wait. Right now that seems like a very bad idea. Keep going as you are. Project high value. It would be good to find out if she is on the no-sex-before-marriage train - if not, then escalate in that direction. If so you are going to have problems. Assuming there's no religious barrier, get her into bed first and have some fun before having Serious Relationship Talks.
3381/r/relationships
3382/u/thedovelamenting
338302/11/2012, 16:46:09
3384Why do you need to say anything to him yet? Or at all, really?
3385/r/relationships
3386/u/thedovelamenting
338702/11/2012, 16:23:16
3388See, there we go. Wanking for the win.
3389/r/relationships
3390/u/thedovelamenting
339102/11/2012, 16:11:57
3392"Very healthy" is a good point. AFAICR some research has linked frequent masturbation to lower rates of prostrate cancer.
3393/r/relationships
3394/u/thedovelamenting
339502/11/2012, 14:43:46
3396I actually suspect it's not really about your wanking. It might be - some women really do have weird hangups about this - but since you mention you've been having lots of other fights about trivial things recently I strongly suggest she's just fitness testing to see how far she can push the envelope as far as your boundaries are concerned, to see where you'll stand up for yourself. You need to push right back. 
3397/r/relationships
3398/u/thedovelamenting
339902/11/2012, 14:22:10
3400It's just a shit test. She's trying to see if she can control you or if you're able to stand up to her. Maintain your frame (which is entirely right btw): your masturbation is your own private business, it doesn't affect your sex life with her, and you will happily and enthusiastically continue to spank that monkey. If she doesn't like it she can put up or shut up - the door is thataway. She'll rage out for a bit and then calm down and go back to acting like an adult again.
3401/r/relationships
3402/u/thedovelamenting
340302/11/2012, 14:02:44
3404You have oneitis for this girl. Oneitis is poison to the body and the mind (see http://rationalmale.wordpress.com/2011/08/30/there-is-no-one/), and anyway this girl is clearly a bit nuts and not worthy of your time. NEXT her and move on. Try to find someone less insecure next time.
3405/r/dating_advice
3406/u/thedovelamenting
340702/11/2012, 13:29:58
3408NEXT this girl. Don't get into a relationship with her. Cavort and frolic joyfully in bed with her if the opportunity arises, but don't worry about dating her. She clearly isn't suitable LTR material in the slightest.
3409/r/relationships
3410/u/thedovelamenting
341102/11/2012, 12:39:30
3412I hate to point this out, but unless she's had uh, a recent return to the faith, if she was blowing him to start with, the logical thing would be to keep doing it. The guilt from sinning, in my experience, tends to lessen and die away over time the more you get used to whatever you're doing. This is true not just for innocent stuff like blowjobs but also for truly appalling acts such as those committed by the Soviets requisitioning grain from starving Ukrainian families in the famine of 1933, for instance, as accounts left behind clearly show. The increase in guilt is pretty odd/unusual, and IMHO is more likely to show a lessening of sexual attraction than anything else.
3413/r/relationships
3414/u/thedovelamenting
341502/11/2012, 12:30:14
3416Or she's just not that into him anymore. You actually have no idea. Nor, unfortunately, does the OP.
3417/r/relationships
3418/u/thedovelamenting
341902/11/2012, 12:12:14
3420Alright, well, you have two choices.
3421
34221): Marry her and gamble. Take the trip on the roulette wheel. Either you have a good sex life or you wind up in /r/deadbedrooms. But don't pretend it's anything better than a gamble, and frankly I don't think the odds are really in your favour here.
3423
34242): Leave her and find someone else who doesn't have the usual severe Catholic sexual hang-ups, and doesn't have a problem getting down and dirty. 
3425
3426As for what she says about her lack of desire being down to guilt - well yes, she would say that, wouldn't she? What else is she going to say? I'm sure she very much hopes it is the case. Who knows whether or not it's true? Maybe not even her. 
3427
3428The really crazy thing is that she's done oral in the past, which definitely, ahem, counts, so neither of you are really virgins. That might be worth pointing out. And in an Old Testament sense, at least, marriage as we know it didn't really exist - sex was marriage in many ways - so this no-sex-before-marriage stuff with your freakin fiancé makes no sense anyway.
3429/r/relationships
3430/u/thedovelamenting
343102/11/2012, 11:37:27
3432Jeeeezz. Marriage counsellors hear some pretty crazy stuff, so if your wife managed to shock the counsellor that's quite an achievement. Initially I was sceptical that anyone could be this immature - I frankly thought she was just lying in order to cover up something else - but now I'm actually convinced. In some sense she really hasn't outgrown her teenage years. I'm not trying to insult her - this really is classic teenage girl drama stuff. It seems like she's having a crash course in reality.
3433
3434Well, if you can get through this in one piece, and your wife wakes up to the real world, you will deserve a fucking medal. It does seem like it can be done. Kudos to her mother as well. Best of luck.
3435/r/relationships
3436/u/thedovelamenting
343701/11/2012, 18:17:19
3438So I take it you're objectively hotter and the more attractive. You didn't respond to the "interest from other women" question - any thoughts here?
3439
3440Do you think she perceives you as being more attractive than her? Does she ever voice insecurities in this area?
3441/r/relationships
3442/u/thedovelamenting
344301/11/2012, 17:23:41
3444What is your sex rank relative to hers? Who is the more attractive? How much interest do you get from other women? What kind of physical shape are you in? How do you respond to her unreasonable behaviour?
3445/r/BreakUps
3446/u/thedovelamenting
344701/11/2012, 12:32:10
3448A panic attack that lasts 3 hours?
3449
3450I think you have bigger problems than breaking up with your girlfriend. Is this a frequent thing? Are you getting any therapy for this? Or any medication?
3451/r/ihaveissues
3452/u/thedovelamenting
345301/11/2012, 12:26:24
3454Therapy? You sound like you could benefit from some CBT maybe. This sounds like a classic case of negative thought processes sabotaging your good intentions. 
3455
3456Regards your relationship with her, stop worrying about it so much. I really doubt that it's true that it's the only good thing you have left. She's not your saviour - she can't be, no one can apart from you - and if you try to make her into one that will end your relationship for sure. Just enjoy the time you have with her, but maybe even try to cut back on that a little in favour of doing fun things by yourself or with your mates. 
3457
3458But if you're not getting the therapy, I would advise doing so.
3459/r/relationships
3460/u/thedovelamenting
346101/11/2012, 12:14:09
3462For communication, trying mirroring what the other person is saying. So instead of
3463
3464"I feel unhappy. I hate that you did/said XYX"
3465
3466"That's illogical/stupid you dumbass"
3467
3468try
3469
3470"I feel unhappy. I hate that you did said XYX"
3471
3472"Ok, I hear that you feel unhappy and you didn't like that I did XYX. What's the best way to change this, how can I make it better".
3473
3474There's probably some book somewhere that explains this better than I can.
3475
3476Also try to revamp your sex life by kicking it up a gear. In my experience if you're having amazing sex stuff that would otherwise cause fights tends to disappear because you can't be bothered to fight because that would get in the way of having sex. Just in general you feel better about each other. 
3477/r/relationships
3478/u/thedovelamenting
347931/10/2012, 22:44:11
3480To clarify, it sounds like usual sex pain that happens if you aren't very aroused. If you're not really into it well yes, penetration will hurt for a lot of women. That's not vaginismus. She says she's LD (or lower drive than her boyfriend at any rate), so I'm guessing they have sex quite a bit than she's not completely into, or that she takes a while to get into. I came across something similar in a different relationship a while back. Bringing vaginismus into it just seems to be overcomplicating things. 
3481/r/relationships
3482/u/thedovelamenting
348331/10/2012, 22:28:08
3484I dunno, is this something that it's safe to google? My head won't explode from horror?
3485/r/relationships
3486/u/thedovelamenting
348731/10/2012, 21:32:08
3488Alright, what's an inflamed prolapse?
3489/r/relationships
3490/u/thedovelamenting
349131/10/2012, 15:47:44
3492This doesn't sound like vaginismus at all. 
3493/r/relationships
3494/u/thedovelamenting
349531/10/2012, 15:39:45
3496Relationships breaks aren't a thing. Either you're together and working on your relationship, or you've broken up. The break is a lie.
3497/r/relationships
3498/u/thedovelamenting
349930/10/2012, 12:03:12
3500"She reminded me her appearance wasn't for them or anyone else, but herself. " - hahaha. Ok, seriously, lolz, that was funny. I suppose it's true in a very roundabout and indirect way. Anyway, never mind, it's all good, it sounds like you handled this well.
3501
3502-OP can't you see, you're just not the guy for we-
3503
3504-we know it might be wrong, but-
3505
3506-we're in love with OP's mom-
3507
3508/r/relationships
3509/u/thedovelamenting
351030/10/2012, 01:52:04
3511I said nothing about pressuring. Gently leading her on, more like, and giving her all the opportunities she needs. Pressure is entirely unnecessary and counterproductive. But the end goal should be that she has sex with him before any engagements/marriage/etc. That is necessary for the long-term future wellbeing of them both.
3512/r/relationships
3513/u/thedovelamenting
351430/10/2012, 01:32:45
3515Of course he shouldn't respect her no-sex-before-marriage beliefs, that's ridiculous and entirely detrimental both to her and him. You can respect a person without agreeing with or respecting one opinion they have: I have friends who honestly believe the US Government was responsible for 9/11. That belief is ridiculous and moronic, but these are good friends who in general I respect and like.
3516/r/relationships
3517/u/thedovelamenting
351830/10/2012, 01:17:53
3519But frankly it sounds like she's cracking, which is a good thing. Keep doing what you're doing until she realizes that her ideals are just ridiculous. It's not just about libido; it's about sexual compatibility. The pieces of the jigsaw have to fit together, y'know? Your little kinks and desires have to mesh on some level. You can't find this stuff out without getting down and dirty. Biblically speaking I'm not even sure sex with someone you intend to stay with forever is prohibited (since what we call marriage didn't exist back then - sex was marriage, in many ways), and marital sex is absolutely advocated, and lots of it (1 Corinthians 7, Proverbs 5 18-20).
3520/r/relationships
3521/u/thedovelamenting
352230/10/2012, 01:00:28
3523Oh, moronic beliefs are frustrating, huh? 
3524
3525My girlfriend used to be quite the Christian girl in her mid-teens, and stuck with no-sex-before marriage (or no penetrative sex, anyway) for several years after that despite deserting the faith (hangover beliefs about preserving the sanctity of your body etc). She eventually fell off the abstinence train long before she met me, mostly because she was just ridiculously horny and frustrated and needed to get laid. Frankly I think that's the usual story. Several of her girlfriends have similar tales.
3526
3527It's hard to offer much advice, apart from to point out, which it sounds like you're doing, that getting married without having had sex is essentially taking a huge gamble with the biggest decision of your life, a gamble in which the odds are not necessarily in your favour. It can work out - but that's all it is, a gamble. Just a spin of the roulette wheel.
3528
3529As a general rule, the easier she finds it to stay on the abstinence train with no sex, no oral even, no masturbation together, nothing, the lower her libido probably is and the higher your likelihood is of winding up in /r/deadbedrooms, which isn't a happy place. How often does she masturbate by herself? Watch any porn secretly, or read any erotica?
3530/r/relationships
3531/u/thedovelamenting
353229/10/2012, 00:18:13
3533Are you Stacey in disguise?
3534/r/relationships
3535/u/thedovelamenting
353627/10/2012, 20:55:08
3537Your daughter deserves better than that you just end your marriage. He's behaving very badly, but no couples counselling, therapy, nothing?
3538/r/relationships
3539/u/thedovelamenting
354026/10/2012, 15:42:04
3541I'm still struggling to believe it in all honesty, but then she clearly needs therapy if she's suffering from sexual trauma by proxy. 
3542/r/relationships
3543/u/thedovelamenting
354426/10/2012, 13:08:15
3545I don't really understand how a discovery of something traumatic that happened to *someone else* could stop *her* having sex with *you*. Something doesn't smell right here. To my ears that's rationalization-code-speak for "I'm just not that hot for you any more".
3546/r/relationships
3547/u/thedovelamenting
354826/10/2012, 13:00:04
3549Oh, for the love of god, this girl shat all over you, showed you no respect, and you're heartbroken for losing her? She's not worth it, seriously, you clearly have epic oneitis for this person. Find someone else, there's lots of good fish in the sea. Eat some raw steak, hit the gym, and buy yourself the most expensive hooker you can afford and snort some intoxicating and illegal substance off her ass before you fuck her. After that you'll be over this chick and feel like a new man, right as rain.
3550
3551Ok, so, I'm not actually serious, but anything's better than sitting around feeling sorry for yourself. Just get out there and have some fun. 
3552/r/relationships
3553/u/thedovelamenting
355425/10/2012, 18:08:46
35551. Don't sleep with girls in relationships ever again. It's a scum move. Don't be that guy.
3556
35572. Keep away from this girl, she sounds like an absolutely nightmarish pile of drama, and one with dubious ethics. Offer support and sympathy, but from a distance. Do not get into a relationship with her.
3558
3559You know what the best predictor of future cheating is? Past cheating. That which she did to her ex she will very likely do to you one day if you start dating.
3560/r/relationships
3561/u/thedovelamenting
356225/10/2012, 14:37:34
3563If she has the child you are an absolute idiot if you don't get it tested for paternity. Before you sign the birth certificate. 
3564
3565/r/relationships
3566/u/thedovelamenting
356723/10/2012, 17:33:18
3568He wants to put his penis into your vagina. Clear enough?
3569/r/relationships
3570/u/thedovelamenting
357123/10/2012, 17:22:53
3572Relationship breaks aren't a thing. Either you're together and working on your relationship, or you're broken up. Stop deluding yourself.
3573/r/relationships
3574/u/thedovelamenting
357523/10/2012, 16:54:10
3576I would treat anyone who betrayed me so extensively and comprehensively the exact same way. There is no excuse for such conduct and no question of forgiveness. This is not just one-off drunk stupid cheating, which I could overlook: this is sustained and deliberate deception.
3577/r/relationships
3578/u/thedovelamenting
357923/10/2012, 16:27:29
3580Being attached to someone is fine. Oneitis is a disease. Read the link I posted. Clearly he suffers from the latter.
3581
3582Lolz at the idea that she's any kind of functioning adult. She's behaving like a 15-year-old idiot and deserves to be treated as such. And I'm probably being harsh to 15-year-olds there.
3583
3584/r/relationships
3585/u/thedovelamenting
358623/10/2012, 16:00:13
3587Yeah, he has oneitis for her, we all get it. That doesn't mean that oneitis isn't a poisonous disease that he needs to kill ASAP.
3588
3589http://rationalmale.wordpress.com/2011/08/30/there-is-no-one/
3590/r/relationships
3591/u/thedovelamenting
359223/10/2012, 14:29:43
3593Sooo, she cheated multiple times in your first 3 years, and now she's cheating again. And she's unemployed and has no motivation to get a job, seemingly just living off you.
3594
3595Why the hell would you bother confronting her? She's not worth the verbiage. Just throw her out on her ass and never see her again. This is not a viable relationship. There is no possible good reason to keep her around.
3596/r/relationship_tips
3597/u/thedovelamenting
359823/10/2012, 13:22:10
3599Well, whatever you do, don't plan something so tiring or something that goes so long into the night that you don't have time/energy for kickass sex. 
3600/r/relationship_tips
3601/u/thedovelamenting
360223/10/2012, 12:48:56
3603Well, for sex, walking over to him naked/in lingerie and putting your head in his lap is always a good initiating strategy.
3604/r/relationship_tips
3605/u/thedovelamenting
360623/10/2012, 11:55:06
3607It's not a big deal, dude, you're not the first to do this and you sure as hell won't be the last. Write it off as a white lie and don't lie to her ever again. Telling her will achieve nothing apart from quite possibly damaging her trust in you. 
3608
3609If you told you've only done it once - which is how I read your post - there's no way in a million years she's going to be able to distinguish virginal ineptitude from very inexperienced ineptitude. She'll never know and never has to find out. Put it out of your mind. 
3610
3611Enjoy the boning!
3612/r/relationships
3613/u/thedovelamenting
361423/10/2012, 11:33:22
3615There's nothing wrong with your feelings. When you say, "we have tried to fix this", what do you mean? Does this include counselling? Because it really sounds like she needs some fairly intensive therapy. It is completely messed up that you never have sex, hug twice a week and kiss once a day (!!). Now, obviously it's easy to understand how the rape might affect her in such a way, but at the same time you can't possibly be expected to stay in such an affection-starved marriage. 
3616
3617It's not impossible at all for rape survivors to have healthy fun sex lives, but in many cases (and certainly your wife's), it needs counselling and proper healing. Most of all it needs the will to be there to make things work, and if she doesn't have that will she needs to know her marriage will not survive. 
3618/r/relationships
3619/u/thedovelamenting
362022/10/2012, 15:26:28
3621Relationship breaks aren't a thing. Either you're together and working on your relationship, or you've broken up.
3622/r/relationships
3623/u/thedovelamenting
362421/10/2012, 18:51:18
3625I'm really confused. Doesn't monogamy imply commitment?
3626/r/relationships
3627/u/thedovelamenting
362821/10/2012, 18:47:00
3629This kid is how old? 18 months? 2 years? This supposed resemblance means nada. Get a test. The odds of the kid not being yours are probably around 20-40 percent, your odds of winning the lottery one in several billion or something. Don't be a fool. 
3630/r/relationships
3631/u/thedovelamenting
363221/10/2012, 17:28:39
3633Means nothing. Get a test. 
3634/r/relationships
3635/u/thedovelamenting
363621/10/2012, 17:27:14
3637Dude. 
3638
36391. It's Craigslist.
3640
36412. "spent the night at her place. She has said that they just cuddled," - this is called trickle truth. The cuddling is just the tip of the iceberg. If she admitted so much they 100 percent had sex. The exact same is true for "went back to her place and got a bit drunk". I mean, nobody actually does this in reality unless they're planning to have sex. 
3642
36433. Get the truth out of her and then either dump her or decide to stay with her on condition she never gets drunk without you being there ever ever ever again.
3644/r/relationships
3645/u/thedovelamenting
364621/10/2012, 16:51:08
3647Get a paternity test, first things first. Might as well be sure.
3648/r/relationships
3649/u/thedovelamenting
365021/10/2012, 15:11:31
3651I would confidently bet everything I own, everything my family owns, and the entire GDP of the US and China combined that your gf had sex with both the guys off of Craigslist. 
3652
3653Which is a bit messed up, really. 
3654/r/relationships
3655/u/thedovelamenting
365621/10/2012, 15:06:12
3657Out of curiosity, what do you mean by a "one-year courtship"?
3658/r/dating_advice
3659/u/thedovelamenting
366019/10/2012, 18:18:52
3661You are 100 % right. Having your entire existence revolving around anyone else is fundamentally unhealthy.
3662/r/relationships
3663/u/thedovelamenting
366419/10/2012, 15:42:04
3665Don't really get what you're worrying about...?
3666/r/relationships
3667/u/thedovelamenting
366819/10/2012, 14:23:04
3669Just get out. Run like the wind. Far away. 
3670/r/relationships
3671/u/thedovelamenting
367219/10/2012, 11:59:41
3673Are you sure she's not an abuse victim? Such extreme reluctance to engage in physical contact is very very odd, to say the least. I sense issues here. Proceed with plenty of caution. 
3674/r/relationships
3675/u/thedovelamenting
367619/10/2012, 11:03:11
3677http://www.epjournal.net/wp-content/uploads/EP09325335.pdf - for starters. 
3678/r/relationship_tips
3679/u/thedovelamenting
368019/10/2012, 10:20:02
3681Believe me, I'm marrying for love. I wouldn't marry anyone who I didn't. I care more for this girl than I can possibly say. I know it didn't show above, but that's because I was deliberately trying to be cold-blooded and hard-headed, rather than waste your time with a massive spiel about how much I love her. 
3682
3683Assuming that we are truly madly deeply in love, which we really are (in fact we are, so our friends tell us routinely, a nauseatingly cute couple), what then?
3684/r/relationship_tips
3685/u/thedovelamenting
368619/10/2012, 10:16:36
3687I know this probably did come across quite strangely, but I am trying to be cold-blooded about someone and something which I am very passionate about. The conflict shows, I know.
3688/r/relationship_tips
3689/u/thedovelamenting
369019/10/2012, 10:09:32
3691Uh, yeah? Otherwise I wouldn't be writing this. We are madly, passionately, head-over-heels in love. But I have to try to be as detached and cold-blooded as humanly possible when writing this - life decisions require no less.
3692
3693Love is necessary, and there's plenty of that. Don't worry! But it isn't enough.
3694/r/relationships
3695/u/thedovelamenting
369619/10/2012, 00:38:10
3697"Ultimately we are not monogamous animals" - this is highly debatable at best. There is a lot of solid scientific critique of "Sex at Dawn".
3698
3699And while the end of the honeymoon period is normal - and would in fact normally occur long before the 3 year mark - a complete lack of sexual desire for your SO is not. 
3700/r/relationships
3701/u/thedovelamenting
370218/10/2012, 14:23:47
3703Wow, I wasn't expecting this. It's so bizarre I don't believe it.
3704
3705Actually I don't believe it. This is not the whole story. This reeks of a stinking pile of BS. Not saying cheating, but something else is surely going on here.
3706/r/relationships
3707/u/thedovelamenting
370817/10/2012, 15:48:18
3709also, the "my children" bit is just - ugh. Puke. That's rough. But do try the counselling. If you can both fix your communication problems you might be ok.
3710/r/relationships
3711/u/thedovelamenting
371217/10/2012, 15:46:21
3713Jeez, that's pretty brutal. Divorcing will do horrible, horrible things to your children - all of them, but especially the 11 year old, who is going to see a second family collapse around her - but if she doesn't want to work on your marriage there's nothing you can do. 
3714
3715Your wife be crazy when it comes to the porn. I'm amazed to find in the 21st century people who still think like this. 
3716
3717Her holding old resentments over your head is extremely juvenile - it sounds like she has major communication issues that you need to work out in counselling. Comparing you to some dude on TV is just ridiculous. 
3718
3719As far as her turning into a mother and nothing but - yeah, that seems to be a modern trend. It's depressing how husbands/fathers are so easily forgotten in the quest to be the perfect mom (TM). Being a wife doesn't seem to matter to many women - yet being a mother does. Strange world. 
3720
3721tl;dr: you need a ton of counselling to get through this, and it is worth it for the sake of the kids, but it won't work if she's not going to try. 
3722/r/relationships
3723/u/thedovelamenting
372417/10/2012, 14:26:59
3725Well, I'm guessing your friends don't know about the sexual assault. 
3726
3727I would bring your boyfriend. Seems fine to me. 
3728/r/relationships
3729/u/thedovelamenting
373016/10/2012, 16:14:39
3731Relationship breaks aren't a thing. Either you're together or you aren't. Very simple. Either you stay together and work on your relationship, or you break up. There is no middle ground.
3732/r/relationships
3733/u/thedovelamenting
373416/10/2012, 14:11:08
3735Stop arguing with the rationalization hamster. You can't win with that one - you can only mock it or trick it. 
3736/r/relationships
3737/u/thedovelamenting
373816/10/2012, 14:07:07
3739Ok, that's good news. Still be careful though. And with the therapy - some stuff just does not respond to it. It's not a cure-all.
3740/r/relationships
3741/u/thedovelamenting
374216/10/2012, 14:03:18
3743Good update. Well done. Run that Girl Game like it's the 100m sprint at the Olympics.
3744/r/relationships
3745/u/thedovelamenting
374616/10/2012, 13:54:20
3747Don't get her pregnant. Whatever you do. If she does somehow get pregnant then do a paternity test. 
3748
3749She needs to see a therapist about this, but I warn you if that she's diagnosed with a cluster B personality disorder you are pretty fucked unless she's a really special person.
3750/r/relationships
3751/u/thedovelamenting
375216/10/2012, 13:48:00
3753Jeez, why on earth are you getting downvoted for this? You go, girl, this is awesome stuff! Well done. It is very likely exactly what your marriage needs to bring the passion back. 
3754
3755Check out Iron Ironwood's classic post on "The Girlfriend Experience" here: http://theredpillroom.blogspot.co.uk/2012/07/girl-game-gfe.html
3756
3757Note that he specifically says that an important part of The Girlfriend Experience is that you don't talk about The Girlfriend Experience. It just happens. It might be worth asking Ian if he has any more girl game ideas knocking around.
3758/r/relationships
3759/u/thedovelamenting
376016/10/2012, 13:39:54
3761Yeah, couples counselling can wait until you've shown real commitment to fixing the problems and he actually starts believing you. I don't see the point if he's going to sit there and just not believe a word you say, which is probably where he's at right now. I'm with you on this. Give it time.
3762/r/relationships
3763/u/thedovelamenting
376416/10/2012, 13:38:39
3765Given the choice between blowjobs and fucking and handholding/back rubs, damn all men are going to take the former.
3766
3767Obviously it doesn't have to be a choice, but since OP specifically talks about not having sex enough then she'd do well to focus on that, as she is doing. And since he's checked out for this reason it seems a logical conclusion that physical touch is, if not his primary love language, at the least very important to him.
3768/r/relationships
3769/u/thedovelamenting
377015/10/2012, 14:48:24
3771Oh, just kiss her already.
3772/r/relationships
3773/u/thedovelamenting
377415/10/2012, 14:37:00
3775God, what a bitch.
3776
3777Well, no, you're not pussywhipped if you dump her. If you stay with her, yes. Your choice. 
3778
3779/r/relationships
3780/u/thedovelamenting
378115/10/2012, 14:12:17
3782Don't touch this girl ever again. I mean, if you feel like it, cavort and frolic joyfully with her once her fiance dumps her, but don't date her or get in a relationship with her. Ever. You know what the best predictor of future cheating is? Past cheating.
3783/r/relationships
3784/u/thedovelamenting
378515/10/2012, 14:10:35
3786Oh, and if you do amp up the sexy, don't, in the name that's all of holy, talk to him about it. Just don't. He's had enough of you talking and not delivering, to the point where he probably doesn't trust much of what you say any more. So don't talk. Just do. Actions speak louder than words. If you must say something, say "I've decided this is how our marriage ought to be", and leave it at that. 
3787/r/relationships
3788/u/thedovelamenting
378915/10/2012, 13:56:38
3790And while you're at it figure out your Love Language (buy the book if necessary) and how HE can best express it. Also buy Athol Kay's book on married sex and check out the associated blog/forum. 
3791/r/relationships
3792/u/thedovelamenting
379315/10/2012, 13:52:23
3794More detail so I don't get buried under a ton of downvotes:)
3795
3796You haven't been speaking his love language, which I'd wager heavily is Physical Touch. Well, of course he doesn't feel in love with you. Who would? 
3797
3798Unless there is some overwhelming reason he is simply so repulsive you can't stomach the idea, I would just amp up the hotness. Do a ten-second-kiss with him at least once a day, preferably more. When he comes home for being out, greet him with a big kiss and wearing just sexy lingerie. Womanscape if you don't already. Lots of lots of blowjobs, mostly impromptu. Even more sex. If your hair isn't nice and long, grow it out. Style it well. Dress better (and for god's sake *don't listen to what your girlfriends say here, get your advice from straight men, preferably your husband*). Lose the weight. Preferably do the exercise for that with him - always good couple time. 
3799
3800I'd put even money that after 3 weeks of this you'll start enjoying it. Hopefully he will too. Who wouldn't? Sex is awesome, damnit, and you're still married, so sex ought to be the default expectation for both of you. This woman had quite a bit of fun when she decided never to say no to her husband for a year: http://dontsayno2012.blogspot.co.uk/ In fact I'm not sure she'll be saying no ever again.
3801
3802But don't do all this because you're terrified of losing him. Do it because that's how marriage/LTRs ought to be. 
3803/r/relationships
3804/u/thedovelamenting
380515/10/2012, 13:31:40
3806More blowjobs, more sex, and lose the weight. That's your best shot, but it might not work. Losing weight is good for you and sex is fun, so you win either way. 
3807/r/relationships
3808/u/thedovelamenting
380915/10/2012, 13:27:00
3810IUD? A copper IUD works fine and is non-hormonal. Even the Mirena (hormonal option) puts much less hormone in your bloodstream than the pill.
3811/r/relationships
3812/u/thedovelamenting
381315/10/2012, 13:09:35
3814Everybody lies. 
3815
3816You are your wife's Plan B. To her you will never be anything else. You deserve better. 
3817/r/relationships
3818/u/thedovelamenting
381915/10/2012, 12:33:31
3820Yeah, I think reddit fucked up here. His reaction was kind of predictable. People kept saying it was a lovely idea *for the mother*. What about for him?
3821/r/relationships
3822/u/thedovelamenting
382315/10/2012, 01:18:26
3824Dump this idiot. No seriously. **Dump this idiot**.
3825
3826(louder, all together now, come on reddit...!)
3827
3828**DUMP THIS IDIOT!!!**
3829
3830That's better.
3831
3832P.S: And tell his parents about his threats, so he can get therapy to help him stop being such whiny little manipulative fuck-up manbitch.
3833/r/relationships
3834/u/thedovelamenting
383513/10/2012, 23:59:06
3836Lesson learnt: wedding and marriage don't fix anything. In fact they normally throw problems into sharper relief. 
3837/r/relationships
3838/u/thedovelamenting
383913/10/2012, 21:03:48
3840Well, it's a bit silly that this is technically a crime - 16 would be legal in most places - and I do know what teenage girls can be like - but goddamnit, this isn't just any random 16 year old, this is the daughter of your girlfriend. How on earth? That's just terrible behaviour. You fuckrat.
3841
3842I don't see much to do other than discreetly break up with Ellen, and leave Kait alone (do not blackmail or manipulate her, you asshole) and hope she never tells anyone, or if she does that that person doesn't call the police. I've heard of similar situations panning out where even though people knew nobody went to the cops/authorities, so it is possible. But you probably do deserve some jail time, less for her age and more for what you've done to her mother. So yeah. I'm not really rooting for you. I hope you'll understand.
3843/r/relationships
3844/u/thedovelamenting
384513/10/2012, 03:01:59
3846Well, plenty of people do the long distance relationship thing, but one or both of you wasn't committed enough to the other to try. So you're clearly not that into her. I wouldn't worry about what might be.
3847
3848I would find a willing and available woman who's hot for you, and put your penis into her vagina. Some of that will help you to get over your ex. 
3849
3850You're not together any more so she has no right to object and I don't see how hooking up with some hottie could possibly harm your chances with your ex somewhere down the line, maybe, if that does turn out to be an option.
3851/r/relationships
3852/u/thedovelamenting
385313/10/2012, 02:52:51
3854You don't have one good thing to say about her. Do you even like this person much?
3855
3856Relationship "breaks" are bullshit and bogus, BTW. Either you're together and working on your relationship, or you aren't, and you're separated. There's no middle ground.
3857/r/relationships
3858/u/thedovelamenting
385913/10/2012, 02:50:36
3860Athol Kay's Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011 does wonders when it comes to explaining the nature of attraction and how it works in LTRs, how to keep the flame burning. Five Love Languages is good also. 
3861/r/relationships
3862/u/thedovelamenting
386313/10/2012, 01:46:25
3864Don't stick your dick in crazy, don't marry crazy, and don't get crazy pregnant. 
3865
3866Well, given that you've done all that, I'm not really sure what the best way to remedy it is. Murder is the permanent solution but that seems like a bad idea, so I recommend divorce and then running far, far away. Maybe to Finland.
3867/r/relationships
3868/u/thedovelamenting
386913/10/2012, 01:38:16
3870I wouldn't touch this woman with a ten foot barge pole. 
3871/r/relationships
3872/u/thedovelamenting
387313/10/2012, 01:36:31
3874Yah, I've been here, although mercifully it didn't involve a gun. CALL THE POLICE AND DON'T BE A DUMBASS. 
3875
3876Call the police. Seriously. Just do it.
3877/r/relationships
3878/u/thedovelamenting
387913/10/2012, 01:26:41
3880You ignore her and keep your other plates spinning. And by plates I mean other prospective girls.
3881/r/relationships
3882/u/thedovelamenting
388313/10/2012, 01:25:12
3884She doesn't sound like good girlfriend material in all honesty. I think you might have dodged a bullet.
3885/r/relationships
3886/u/thedovelamenting
388713/10/2012, 00:49:17
3888Well, if you're having regular sex with her, and it's good sex, then stop worrying, you're fine. If she doesn't seem that into you sexually, well then, you have reason to be concerned. You don't want to be doing husband duties without getting husband benefits. Don't let yourself be used that way. I have absolutely no reason to think Lindsay is doing this, intentionally or otherwise, but it's not uncommon for single mothers to seek out walking wallets they aren't really attracted to but who are safe choices who will treat the kid(s) well. So watch your step, but if the orgasm count is high you'll be OK.
3889/r/relationships
3890/u/thedovelamenting
389112/10/2012, 20:17:28
3892Think about this: sex is really, really good for bonding. It pushes up chemicals in the brain that bond us with the other person - the better the sex the greater the bonding. There is even some initial research to suggest that semen is to some extent addictive (to receive)!
3893
3894True or not, it is widely agreed that fucking your partner is one of the best things you can do for your relationship when times are rough.
3895/r/relationships
3896/u/thedovelamenting
389712/10/2012, 20:12:20
3898Shooting down your wife for sex is a horrible horrible idea. Admittedly her shooting down you is still awful but there's this messed up idea that you're a dude, so it's OK. I second the recommendation to buy Athol Kay's book and focus on reframing your relationship. You have a lot of good things going for you, it would be a shame for you to have to suffer divorce. 
3899/r/relationships
3900/u/thedovelamenting
390112/10/2012, 19:42:35
3902Who initiates? You or her?
3903/r/relationships
3904/u/thedovelamenting
390512/10/2012, 19:29:11
3906And how often are you having sex now? Within the last 6 months? Within the last two months?
3907/r/relationships
3908/u/thedovelamenting
390912/10/2012, 19:19:20
3910No, but decisions about marriage should be.
3911/r/relationships
3912/u/thedovelamenting
391312/10/2012, 18:57:14
3914Yeah, you do need to rule out another man. Good advice.
3915/r/relationships
3916/u/thedovelamenting
391712/10/2012, 18:37:42
3918How often do you have sex? How good is the sex? How often did you have sex at the beginning of the relationship?
3919
3920The "I love you but I'm not in love with you" speech nearly *always* denotes a loss of attraction/arousal. Essentially it means you don't make her vagina tingle any more. If the sex is good and frequent then this isn't the case and you should look at depression/hormones/etc. But loss of attraction is far more common.
3921
3922The good news is that you can build it back.
3923/r/relationships
3924/u/thedovelamenting
392512/10/2012, 16:06:42
3926And in the process, he condemned himself to either divorce or sexless marriage. Nice move. Not. It's going to be a really uphill process if he is going to turn this around - the former two outcomes are far more likely.
3927
3928He should not have married her.
3929/r/relationships
3930/u/thedovelamenting
393112/10/2012, 14:35:19
3932Don't say. Just do. None of this "I see you as more than a friend" malarkey. Just kiss her. The date plan sounds fine though.
3933/r/relationships
3934/u/thedovelamenting
393512/10/2012, 13:19:00
3936Your masturbation is no more her business than the order in which you put your shoes on. She has no more right to control one than she does the other. Masturbation is a private matter so long as it's not hurting your sex life together, and if she can't accept this she needs some sex education/therapy so that she will. 
3937/r/relationships
3938/u/thedovelamenting
393912/10/2012, 13:02:28
3940I actually disagree on the erotica thing. It may be the case that it's not that she hasn't wanted sex for two years, just that she hasn't wanted sex with him. There are massive cheating redflags all over this story, but I actually don't think that's one of them.
3941
3942Oh, and he clearly has issues of his own that he needs to work on if he was willing to marry someone despite being in a virtually sexless relationship with that someone.
3943/r/relationships
3944/u/thedovelamenting
394512/10/2012, 12:35:23
3946+1 to the counselling suggestion. It's going to take a lot of work to fix this marriage, because in all honesty you should not have got married in the first place, given the lack of sex (and even at the beginning a couple times a week is not that much, in all honesty), and her body insecurity issues. 9 years is also a very, very protracted dating/cohabiting period and IMHO it's too long. But since you can't rewrite the past, I'll stop talking about that.
3947
3948The erotica isn't all much of a redflag. If she's horny but not hot for you it seems like a natural sexual outlet. I found some very explicit kinky erotica in my currently boyfriendless teenage sister's computer account the other day, which I rather wish I hadn't, but she's definitely not getting any. That's why she's writing porn. I wouldn't read too much into the conversation with her friend either - it's just confirming the obvious. If you were only having sex once every 3 months then it's pretty clear she doesn't want to be jumping you. 
3949
3950However, this - "Her phone never has any web history. She always clears it after shes done using it." - is a huge cheating redflag, as is the lock on the phone. Maybe not physical cheating, but cybersex? An emotional affair? These are all possibilities to consider. Do your best to find out. Keylogger on her computer, etc. If she is stuck in the dopamine-induced affair fog *she will not be honest with you* come hell or high water. You have to find out for yourself. What do you with whatever you find is up to you. 
3951
3952The one piece of good news is that you found the erotica, so you have an unfiltered view into what she likes sexually. Try to slide some of that into your sex life and she how she responds. 
3953
3954Read Athol Kay's book on married sex and try to build attraction from that side, because I can definitely see some indicators that you've smothered her a bit. 
3955
3956BTW this "Every time I would try to initiate she would pull the "I'm tired"... "I have to get up early"... "I have a headache", etc." - is just clear rationalisation-hamster talk for "Ugh, I don't want to fuck you". In all honesty so may well have been her professed inability to fuck with other people in your apartment, and maybe even some of her supposed body insecurities. No matter what the reason is, the message is the same: she doesn't want sex with you. It may be worth considering that all those "reasons" are just rationalisations for the message.
3957
3958Good luck!
3959/r/relationships
3960/u/thedovelamenting
396110/10/2012, 18:17:43
3962By reminding her that he's not just some chump she just can push around whenever she likes: he will stand up for himself in the face of her bullshit. Right now she clearly has a very low opinion of his strength and value. He needs to change that, drastically, otherwise this relationship is fucked.
3963
3964Don't worry, I'm not advocating keeping her locked in a dungeon 24/7, feeding her bread and water 4 times a day and only letting her out of her cage for sex. All he needs to do is make it completely clear her crap is completely unacceptable and he will continue to do as he likes. And she needs to take her meds.
3965/r/relationships
3966/u/thedovelamenting
396710/10/2012, 18:09:49
3968And, uh, his current relationship sounds like a picture of equality? I don't think so. It sounds severely imbalanced. He needs to reassert himself. She is the one being completely unreasonable and acting stupidly and selfishly. 
3969
3970And who said equal partnership was the only relationship model anyway? Or even the best one?
3971/r/relationships
3972/u/thedovelamenting
397310/10/2012, 18:05:59
3974Just think of it as dealing with a terrorist, or a toddler. The key, as I'm sure you know from having parented this kid yourself, is never to show any weakness and set clear boundaries. Simple enough.
3975/r/relationships
3976/u/thedovelamenting
397710/10/2012, 17:53:44
3978Um, well before you go make damn clear what the consequence of her damaging your personal property would be. That is, you would leave that day and never return. I think that will keep her in line quite nicely. That bit you can yell at her - let the anger fully explode. Then come back with a beer and calmly drink it on the sofa, just to rub in who is in charge around here.
3979/r/relationships
3980/u/thedovelamenting
398110/10/2012, 17:40:58
3982Then she's an idiot. She's completely and utterly irresponsible with her health, her relationship, and her child. Calmly and quietly castigate her for selfishness and stupidity and make it very, very clear just what the long-term consequences of not taking those meds will be. Let rip and don't hold back, but do it all in a quiet and calm tone of voice. It will come across as more authoritative that way.
3983
3984And remind her just who provided the money for the house. She has no right to be setting arbitrary bullshit rules like this. You will damn well do as you please, within reason, and this is easily within reason. If she doesn't like it she knows where the door is. 
3985
3986Then leave the house for a couple of hours to go do something fun (gym, gaming, whatever), and leave her to stew in her own juice.
3987/r/relationships
3988/u/thedovelamenting
398910/10/2012, 17:06:41
3990This is solid advice, although I disagree that the meds won't help. Not taking the meds properly is doubtless exacerbating her irrational behaviour.
3991/r/relationships
3992/u/thedovelamenting
399310/10/2012, 16:47:26
3994Get her to take her anxiety meds. The damn things were prescribed for a reason. And uh, it's your house as well.
3995/r/relationships
3996/u/thedovelamenting
399710/10/2012, 14:50:42
3998Well done. Be a man and stick with your decision. You've made the right one. 
3999/r/relationships
4000/u/thedovelamenting
400110/10/2012, 13:57:06
4002What's the sex like?
4003/r/relationships
4004/u/thedovelamenting
400510/10/2012, 13:49:09
4006This. He is who he is and he sounds pretty cool. Why should he change for you?
4007/r/relationships
4008/u/thedovelamenting
400910/10/2012, 13:38:33
4010If she isn't jumping you, or clearly struggling to refrain from jumping you, that's a bad sign. She's probably telling the truth and just isn't that into you, fella. Credit to her for being ballsy enough to say it and not letting you waste any more of your time with someone who isn't aroused by you.
4011
4012Genuine desire matters. It matters a hell of a lot, and cannot be negotiated. If it's not there this relationship is not worth your time. NEXT her.
4013/r/relationships
4014/u/thedovelamenting
401510/10/2012, 12:47:36
4016In my experience talking things to death just builds frustration and resentment, because those conversations invariably become repetitive and that is annoying as hell. 
4017/r/relationships
4018/u/thedovelamenting
401910/10/2012, 11:25:11
4020Get some shitty job and some work really hard at it until it turns into a not-so-shitty job. Then work at that until it turns into a decent job.
4021
4022Frankly, though, you're wasting your time feeling inadequate relative to your boyfriend. An amazing career, professional dedication, etc etc - these are all good things, and they can be indicators of other good things, but they aren't exactly the first things successful men look for when considering a partner for marriage/LTR. Other things matter a hell of a lot more.
4023/r/relationships
4024/u/thedovelamenting
402510/10/2012, 10:53:49
4026So you're basically staying in this relationship out of guilt and obligation? 
4027
4028Don't, fella. I understand and I feel for you, but don't. That's not a basis on which lasting relationships can be built. It will all fall apart one day, one way or another, so you might as well speed up the process. There are other girls who will bring joy into your life.
4029/r/relationships
4030/u/thedovelamenting
403110/10/2012, 10:29:57
4032Oh my freakin god.
4033
4034Ok, so you've had sex with her, and now she's on the "no MORE sex until marriage" plan? That's ridiculous. She doesn't even have any virginity to preserve for God or her future husband or anyone, or whatever the dumbass reason is people give for doing this. Either you really, really suck in bed or she's really, really not into you, maybe both. I'm going for the latter option, because you have clearly graduated from the University of Betaization with first-class honours. Why the fuck are you giving her back rubs and oral? 
4035
4036Hint: giving back rubs and random oral to a girl never got anyone laid, EVER. The world doesn't work that way. If you must do those things, do them because you want to and because they are nice things to do for a partner, not because you expect sex in return. That's not how desire works. You are acting as though desire can be negotiated, but it can't. True desire is spontaneous (see http://rationalmale.wordpress.com/2011/08/25/the-desire-dynamic/)
4037
4038Even if, in some fantasy world, you could get her to sign a legally binding contract stating that every time you ate her out she has to blow you, she still wouldn't want to do so. You'll only ever get obligated, half-hearted, unwilling compliance that way, if anything. 
4039
4040Conclusion: NEXT this girl and move on. With your next girlfriend, don't give her back rubs when you want to fuck her. Shove her up against a wall while making out with her and stick your hand inside her panties to start playing with her clit. It works 100x better.
4041
4042And don't be passive-aggressive like you were in this scenario. Nothing, NOTHING is more unattractive. Nothing is worse for a relationship. 
4043/r/relationships
4044/u/thedovelamenting
404510/10/2012, 10:09:21
4046A: "She's only joined us during social gatherings on two occasions,"
4047
4048B: "It might be safe to say he gets along better with me than he does with his girlfriend."
4049
4050And statement B can be reconciled with statement A exactly how?
4051
4052That would be the rationalisation hamster in action. Ignore that little voice in your head and damn well act ethically, which involves respecting this dude's relationship and his partner and backing off. If it's too painful to hang out with him, given the miasma of unrequited lust hanging over your head, then don't do so. Find excuses. It's not that hard. Cut down severely on the time you spend with him, particularly time alone.
4053
4054If and when he breaks up with this girl again then feel free to go for it assuming you're single at the time, but frankly I would just look around for other fish. There are lots of them, and some of them might not even have such extensive insecurities as he has. He doesn't sound like such a great catch really, in all frankness.
4055/r/relationships
4056/u/thedovelamenting
405709/10/2012, 22:09:53
4058This is true. You can safely ignore 80-90 percent of what women say in these situations and focus entirely on what they do. Apart from "no" - I don't recommend ignoring that ;)
4059/r/relationships
4060/u/thedovelamenting
406109/10/2012, 17:28:12
4062Btw normally I would say she's just not that into you but her extreme dread of sex makes it very unlikely that this is actually the case. Ignore all her bs about getting pregnant, she's clearly not that stupid. That's just the rationalization hamster in action, she's made that up as a cover for something else.
4063/r/relationships
4064/u/thedovelamenting
406509/10/2012, 17:14:02
4066She's either messed up or asexual, hard to know which. If she's asexual you clearly cannot marry her, but I'm sure a good therapist could figure that one out. If she's messed up (way more likely) you clearly cannot marry her right now, but with luck a good therapist can help her get to a point where sex is something wonderful and joyful, which it should be. 
4067
4068Either way: you can't marry her until this gets sorted, and she needs therapy. 
4069/r/relationships
4070/u/thedovelamenting
407107/10/2012, 23:22:07
4072Well, you aren't getting laid, you don't get cuddles, you don't communicate with her much, and you've had one kiss. What exactly are you in it for? The social status? The promise of her Magic Vagina? I'm genuinely curious.
4073/r/relationships
4074/u/thedovelamenting
407507/10/2012, 23:07:42
4076Questions and thoughts from my girl: 
4077
4078"Sex isn't 'shit'. You sound as though you've got the idea that sex is something impure and some kind of skanky man thing that you should be above."
4079
4080"This sounds like those relationships people have when they're 10. How on earth did it take you six months to kiss her?"
4081
4082"Your hyperbole about her personal qualities is really silly. This whole 'she's so much better than me' crap is irritating, tedious, and a turn-off."
4083
4084From me:
4085
4086If sex really is something you don't care about, you either need to visit /r/asexuality, visit the doctor to get checked for low testosterone, or are telling big fat whoppers. Personally, I'm picking the porkies.
4087
4088Since you barely seem to interact this with this girl how can you possibly tell if she's so wonderful or not? Are you sure you haven't just built a fantasy in your head that doesn't really exist?
4089
4090Good looks do help to get laid, but what really counts with the ladies is being the fucking AMOG, in the best sense of the phrase. Go be that guy and stop being insecure. And dump her, she's just fucking you around.
4091/r/relationships
4092/u/thedovelamenting
409307/10/2012, 22:39:37
4094FUCK HER BULLSHIT.
4095
4096Damn this bitch be cruel. She broke up with you and then sent you a two-page email to explain HER feelings? Jeez. Now she wants to keep you onside as a "friend who she kisses" aka fuckbuddy while she rides the cock carousel at med school/investigates her Plan A, which is likely this other dude she has a crush on. You right now are her Plan B, and frankly there is damn little chance of you ever being anything else. Throw this selfish narcissistic solipsist idiot out of your life and find someone else who isn't so self-absorbed.
4097/r/relationships
4098/u/thedovelamenting
409906/10/2012, 15:24:27
4100Male. But it doesn't matter. It's WRONG, WRONG, WRONG, WRONG, WRONG, WRONG. It may be against the man code, but it should be against the woman code if it already isn't, because holy cow that's appallingly bad behaviour.
4101
4102Luckily I'm charming when I want to be, so I made a special effort to win my gf's friends over when we got together. I knew it could be important on the off-chance she had some less than reputable friends. Lucky they were all decent people I don't think they would try to fuck us over even if I wasn't approved of. It sounds like your ex-bf may not have been so clued-up and it cost him. 
4103
4104His price of entry seems to be "I game and do my stuff with the boys for X time per week and you can play alongside if you want. If not, meh. If so, I'll make some effort to play alongside in your games (girls' nights etc" That's pretty standard. I have a similar price of entry myself, and my gf makes some effort to turn up to occasional Magic nights where the gaming gang all hang out together, and I do some of her stuff. Some, not all, and we do a fair bit apart, as well as some time together that's doing separate things. Nobody really pays too much close attention to who is exactly getting the better deal because despite significant power imbalances (we have a big D/S dynamic going) the arrangement is equitable. We're both equally committed to making the other happy and keeping things going, prior to making those commitments we both accept the other person's price of entry.
4105
4106As for your reasons...well apart from the toxic friends you gave these: 
4107
4108" didn't think he was flexible enough, I wanted to make friends, not feel isolated as a result of us being a couple, and I could not continue the relationship whilst I didn't feel like I had equal say in what we did.
4109
4110Yet nowhere in your post did you say anything about him stopping you from making friends, and the only isolation you refer to is in the context of his friendship group, which he can't entirely change the dynamic of himself. You don't really talk about him not giving you a say in what you do, either. What you perceive as "time with him/couple time" he may very well just think of as "me time that I'm doing this, and she wants to be with me for".
4111/r/relationships
4112/u/thedovelamenting
411306/10/2012, 14:53:03
4114FML you need better friends. What kind of godawful friends do you have that would negatively comment on such a relationship? I would never, never, ever talk smack about of my friends's SOs to their face, unless the relationship was outright abusive. That's just against the man code, and for a damn good reason. 
4115
4116He sounds like a good guy. He has his standards of how he wants to live and they aren't going to change. That's a good thing. It shows he has strength and an adult approach to life. The compromises he asks for, his "price of entry", so to speak, aren't at all unreasonable, and you say he's even made some good effort to do more of "your stuff" with you. In all honesty this sounds like you broke up with him for a combination of bullshit reasons and the toxic influence of your so-called friends.
4117
4118If you do get back together with him, though, his trust in you will be shattered, and you'll have to work really hard to repair it.
4119
4120Relationships do not have to be perfectly equal. In fact they almost never are, and anyone who says anything different is selling you something. What they should be is equitable; both partners are equally invested and committed to keeping the relationship together. Surface equality is purely superficial, so long as everyone's happy with the deal. If you weren't happy with the deal, then breaking up is fine. But it sounds like you mostly were, with only a few minor adjustments needed.
4121
4122But in the long-term, whatever happens with this guy, you need better friends. It is not the place of friends to pass judgment on, and seek to undermine, your relationships. That shows meanness, a weak characterr, and - ugh. Just ugh. Pathetic. Throw these people out FFS.
4123/r/relationships
4124/u/thedovelamenting
412506/10/2012, 10:38:44
4126Run it past the women here (http://marriedmansexlife.vanillaforums.com/categories/first-officer-s-club). Many of them have been in your situation. The associated blog is good reading too. But if you once did have good and frequent sex you can get it back.
4127
4128It's not usual for healthy 28-year-old males not to be regularly boffing their willing and presumably non-troll-resembling girlfriends, so off the top of my head the things that come to mind are undiagnosed depression, diagnosed depression and the effects of antidepressants, low testosterone (probably the most common and also medically treatable), cheating, built-up resentment, or he's just not that into you"".
4129
4130If that sounds like a gloomy list, it does seem like far and away the most common reason is low T, and it can be treated. And yeah, dont worry about your desire for him. Your desire is very probably reactive, like that of many women, so if he shows more interest in your body I don't doubt you'll be all over him again in short order.
4131/r/relationships
4132/u/thedovelamenting
413306/10/2012, 10:23:49
4134See, this is why you don't touch childless late 30s/early 40s women without wearing at least 5 layers of latex.
4135
4136Well, if you're willing to overlook the fact that she tricked you into having the kid, for the kid's sake or for whatever reason, I would get marriage counselling. I'm sure you have a lot of resentment to work through, and lord only knows what's going through her head. But I agree that you should not casually just break up: that girl needs her parents. Together.
4137
4138Important question: how often do you have sex?
4139/r/relationships
4140/u/thedovelamenting
414105/10/2012, 18:59:49
4142Make a new account in the guise of a young male dom in a ltr. Post no pics and you will be left to browse the threads in peace. Guaranteed.
4143/r/relationships
4144/u/thedovelamenting
414505/10/2012, 18:35:52
4146Makes perfect sense. My girlfriend self-harmed a couple of times back in her mid-teens but she's always been fascinated by knives ever since she was a small kid, and the knifeplay we do (without cutting) has never triggered her or upset her in any way at all - she's always loved every minute. I really do think it's a different sensation altogether and comes from a different place. Just make sure you and any future partners know what you're doing - be safe. There are lots of good knowledge resources out there. Check out fetlife.
4147/r/relationships
4148/u/thedovelamenting
414905/10/2012, 18:15:48
4150I think she's competent to figure out her own sexuality at this point. She really seems to have thought about the D/S dynamic and decided it's for her.
4151
4152I do know someone who has recovered/is recovering from in many ways a situation far worse from this one while in a relationship, and that relationship is still going strong. It can be done, but it does take a very adult attitude on both sides. I agree that the self-harm and the eating disorder do need to go away - or at least very significantly calm down - before she starts dating anyone though. Those are pretty big burdens to carry. And therapy needs to be ongoing.
4153
4154With the self-harm I have heard stories of people who process it through cutting/bloodplay, as putting it in the confines of a "scene" help them to regain control over it - put it in a box, as it were - but I don't know if that's clinically recommended.
4155/r/relationships
4156/u/thedovelamenting
415705/10/2012, 18:06:41
4158Yeah, you have to tell the counsellor about the rape. Also the kink fairly soon, although probably not at the same time ;)
4159
4160If for whatever reason she doesn't feel like she has the expertise to deal with that she needs to know so she can refer you ASAP. Sex counselling is a thing, as are rape survivor group counselling circles. All possibly relevant.
4161
4162But I wouldn't tell him how you feel until he gets back in the country. That kind of thing is best done in person.
4163/r/relationships
4164/u/thedovelamenting
416505/10/2012, 18:00:01
4166oh, and this:
4167
4168"“so are you. You are lovely. Damaged and beautiful girl. Someone to fall in love with”. Then a little while later he was like “take me seriously. I love you. I think about you and care about you. You are brilliant” but then he was like “but I'm not in love with you or anything weird”."
4169
4170I could be way off his base, but that really really sounds like him wanting to make a move and then thinking "holy crap, maybe I'd better slow up, this is a bit fast". It might be that he's genuinely not into you in that way, but there's no reason to think he isn't. 
4171/r/relationships
4172/u/thedovelamenting
417305/10/2012, 17:51:25
4174Oh, and re the therapy, you can find lists of Kink Aware Professionals floating around the internet, so you actually get a shrink who knows about this bdsm stuff.
4175/r/relationships
4176/u/thedovelamenting
417705/10/2012, 17:49:24
4178I kind of hope not. I think a loving stable D/S relationship is more what she's looking for. They aren't always how they're portrayed in shitty fanfic erotica.
4179/r/relationships
4180/u/thedovelamenting
418105/10/2012, 17:45:51
4182crosspost this to /r/bdsm.
4183
4184He does sounds like a pretty good guy, the kind of fella who can hold your throat, slap your face, fuck your ass and love you dearly - at the appropriate times. I would say go for it. Just kiss him. See how it goes. Good luck. 
4185
4186Tell him about the kinky stuff from the outset. It's only fair that he knows what he's getting into. My gf and I had that conversation about that on the third date. She mentioned this knifeplay thing she'd seen before and really wanted to try...and well, let's just say it was the top of the rabbit hole. I've never been happier.
4187
4188If you are emotionally fragile (and doubtless you are tougher than you think you are) the most important thing is that when you feel bad YOU DON'T TAKE IT OUT ON HIM. It's straightforward to look after someone who's crying and upset. It's impossible to do so when that person is also raging at you for no apparent reason.
4189
4190When it comes to sex, I have a friend who has a similar history to yours (rape by an ex-boyfriend). With her current bf (lovely guy), there's been plenty of times where he's accidentally set her triggers off right in the middle of sex, leading to freakouts/panic attacks/etc. Not his fault, it's just always going to happen sometimes. BUT - and this is the interesting thing - damn near every time once she's calmed down they've got back on the horse and kept having sex, so that no matter what happens sex was always a positive experience. I think it's been really good for them. Something to bear in mind. 
4191
4192The "you are fat and ugly' stuff is your insecurities talking, but you know that already.
4193
4194If you are not in therapy, you should be.
4195/r/relationships
4196/u/thedovelamenting
419705/10/2012, 15:36:24
4198Go to therapy. Seriously. Long-term therapy.
4199
4200At least you have a good measure of self-awareness of how bad your behaviour is, so kudos for that. Many people in your situation never get close. That does bode well for your long-term future.
4201/r/BreakUps
4202/u/thedovelamenting
420305/10/2012, 15:30:21
4204and in fact it will make things worse. It's a display of low value, and you already know she dislikes displays of low value, because you've already presented her with several of them, and she reacted badly.
4205
4206Let her come back to you if she so wants. Otherwise, just move on. 
4207/r/BreakUps
4208/u/thedovelamenting
420905/10/2012, 15:19:35
4210Don't do this. You already know why. 
4211/r/relationships
4212/u/thedovelamenting
421305/10/2012, 14:52:45
4214Yeah, I can see how that could be annoying for quite a few girls. Just fight the urge, I think. You say your previous gf hardwired this behaviour into you - if you keep choking it down for long enough sooner or later less touchy-feely will become the new norm. Remember that healthy relationships actually thrive on the right titration of fear, insecurity, and dread, so too much touchy-feely does more than piss your SO off - it actually weakens the bond between you long-term. 
4215
4216Normally I'm not a fan of people try to change themselves too much to suit their partners, but this seems like a pretty reasonable request and frankly the majority of girls won't like this behaviour, so if the OP wants sustainable relationships with women he is best off learning how to control it.
4217/r/relationships
4218/u/thedovelamenting
421905/10/2012, 11:32:09
4220"Right now, I want to be friends, be the guy friend she can feel open with. And then if all in all works, get her to like me and date her."
4221
4222NOT THIS!!!
4223
4224You are setting yourself up for major friendzoning. Just be direct and honest in your intentions and don't pretend you aren't interested in her body.
4225
4226And don't worry about coming across as intimidating. Being a bit nerve-bending can be a good thing: it will help establish your AMOG status. Just project the right mixture of sweet and scary and you'll have her swooning in your arms while visions run through her head of her big linesman dude protecting her from all sorts of terrible evils. Sexy stuff :)
4227/r/relationships
4228/u/thedovelamenting
422903/10/2012, 10:36:20
4230Good link.
4231
4232It's also important to remember there are suicide attempts and there are "suicide attempts". The former are serious, the latter...well, not so much. You wanted to die *that way*? Yeah, good luck with that. You're not serious, you just want help/attention/are trying to manipulate people, one of the three.
4233/r/relationships
4234/u/thedovelamenting
423503/10/2012, 10:27:10
4236When these crazy people threaten suicide **over stuff like this** 99/100 it's just manipulation and they have no intention of doing anything of the sort. Obviously you're in the situation and you know best if this nutter is serious or not, but I warn you that their bullshit can be very convincing. What does your therapist think?
4237/r/relationships
4238/u/thedovelamenting
423903/10/2012, 00:17:49
4240Well, you can tell him you think his technique could use some work. Obviously it might help to phrase it a slightly more friendly fashion: "these are the things that really rock my world in bed, can we work on them together?"
4241
4242Don't tell him about his penis size - he can't fix that and it would hurt him unnecessarily.
4243
4244As a side note, I would not call myself a feminist by any stretch of the imagination, but I really dislike some of the responses here that attempt to shame you for having issues with his penis size, as though girls are just supposed to suck it up (hehe) and ignore any problems in this area. If you need a big(gish) dick to get you off that is simply what you need, and you should not be made to feel bad simply because your body works this way. The standard line is "technique is what matters, not size". This is often true but very often is just simply not the case - sometimes size really does matter. 
4245/r/relationships
4246/u/thedovelamenting
424702/10/2012, 14:15:21
4248Another possibility to eliminate is that he's repressed/secretly gay. Very very unlikely but not completely impossible. If he is low T/libido then this (http://marriedmansexlife.com/2012/08/the-male-chastity-low-testosterone-workaround/) is a good workaround.
4249/r/relationships
4250/u/thedovelamenting
425102/10/2012, 13:41:24
4252Sex matters a hell of a lot in LTRs, so if you don't get this fixed you will have to break up with him (or he needs to let you get some elsewhere). You don't want to wind up unhappy, unsatisfied, and horny to the point of being driven to cheat. In good LTRs both partners fulfil the other's sexual needs as best they can, and if they can't they let their partner get those needs fulfilled outside the relationship. Don't feel bad, your position is perfectly reasonable. 
4253
4254It's hard to figure out what's going wrong here. Certainly his behaviour is not normal for a young man. 20 year old males with willing available non-troll-resembling girlfriends normally can't get enough. Either he has a really low libido (low testosterone? this can be treated medically), or he's been whacking off to porn so much he doesn't have any drive left for you, or he's had his brain filled with the usual Christian cockblocking beliefs about the supposed dirtiness of sex and can't get over them, or regrettably he's just not that into you (people always forget that possibility).
4255
4256You can eliminate some of these possibilities by checking his browser history or by getting naked and starting to masturbate next to him and see what he does. Others might prove trickier to prove or disprove. Either way, best of luck!
4257/r/relationships
4258/u/thedovelamenting
425902/10/2012, 13:26:06
4260You're sure this one couldn't improve? Inexperience can be fixed through some combination of well, getting more live experience and online research (porn). A small dick though - well, that's a tricky one. There are various positions that allow for deeper penetration, making a small dick feel bigger, but some people just need an average-to-big dick to feel pounded properly, and there's nothing wrong with that. If you're sure he can never satisfy you then just break up now, otherwise you'll wind up in unsatisfied and unhappy in a LTR where you eventually cheat.
4261
4262And whatever you do, DON'T FAKE! The man-ego is not as fragile as is widely imagined. We can take constructive criticism.
4263/r/relationships
4264/u/thedovelamenting
426502/10/2012, 01:43:57
4266And how is pull her back to the cave passive-aggressive? It isn't. It's just straight aggressive. This is a good thing.
4267/r/relationships
4268/u/thedovelamenting
426902/10/2012, 01:42:29
4270The fuck century do you live in? Are we suddenly in an age where it's acceptable for people to dump their tired partners at night and go out alone with exes on holiday trips? Either she's completely moronic (unlikely), or she knows this is a massive boundary violation and is testing him to see if he's willing to put up with her shit. If he isn't, their relationship has a future; if he is, then she'll probably dump him fairly soon.
4271/r/relationships
4272/u/thedovelamenting
427329/09/2012, 15:30:32
4274Dump the bitch. Lying is unacceptable, particularly where exes are involved. 
4275/r/relationships
4276/u/thedovelamenting
427729/09/2012, 09:40:03
4278Dude; "I want to go out with my ex" is a fitness test. She expects you to slap it down and say "you can't do that". She argues,  you say she can't cross that rubicon or she gets her ass dumped, she swoons and falls into your alpha male arms
4279 
4280You flunked it.
4281/r/relationships
4282/u/thedovelamenting
428328/09/2012, 10:54:01
4284Ok, this I disagree with. She sounds way more nuts than your average teenager. Blowups this major over such minor issues are not normal: nor is threatening to hurt herself, nor is threatening to hurt her parents. These "problems with her parents" do sound like a bit of a reflag also. 
4285/r/relationships
4286/u/thedovelamenting
428728/09/2012, 10:49:31
4288Bipolar you can medicate: borderline doesn't respond to medication or therapy all that well, frankly. Even in cases where it looks it might do very often the borderline is just manipulating the therapist. I think I'd sooner be the former than the latter. 
4289
4290You can't really diagnose her from one reddit post, although she does definitely tick a few boxes on the checklist. It's not implausible, just based on what the OP said.
4291/r/relationships
4292/u/thedovelamenting
429328/09/2012, 10:42:58
4294DON'T STICK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY. 
4295
4296Seriously, if you must, then don't actually date the crazy. Worst idea ever. Run like hell, she be nuts.
4297
4298And no, this is not normal 18 year old girl behaviour. It really isn't.
4299/r/relationships
4300/u/thedovelamenting
430128/09/2012, 10:38:21
4302Breaking the chains of codependency is an unpleasant process, and no one ever said it would feel good (if they did, they were an idiot). But on the other side, if you give time and distance enough space to work their magic, you will start to heal and come out of it a better person.
4303
4304You are doing the right thing. Don't go back.
4305/r/relationships
4306/u/thedovelamenting
430728/09/2012, 10:34:34
4308if /r/relationships teaches you one thing, it's that LDRs are somewhere between fucking hard and completely impossible. I wouldn't feel bad.
4309/r/relationships
4310/u/thedovelamenting
431126/09/2012, 22:51:06
4312Dude, this is so predictable. When I typed my first post, my girlfriend predicted your response would be exactly that. Talk about abusive and toxic.
4313
4314Have you thought through all the practical issues here? Have you talked to a lawyer? Surely you would get custody of the kids if you split, given that she has never earned and that you do. Do you not have family or friends that could help you raise them? Do you have the resource to hire a nanny for them? Who owns the place you live in now? Why would you be the one who moves out? Or are you renting? What are alimony requirements like in the state you live in, if any, given that you aren't married? 
4315
4316I have no answers myself, but I'm throwing ideas out here in the hope there's something you haven't thought of, because if you haven't, you DEFINITELY need to see a lawyer.
4317/r/relationships
4318/u/thedovelamenting
431926/09/2012, 22:35:46
4320Why not? I do think you have problems that are outside the scope of MMSL, truth be told, but it would be well worth the read. You definitely read to run a MAP of sorts, even if it is mostly focused on getting you in good enough shape to get the hell out of town and look after yourself. Because that is what you need, make no mistake: this relationship is toxic and abusive.
4321
4322But this is really heartbreaking. Internet hug from myself and my girlfriend. We will be thinking of you. Best of luck.
4323/r/relationships
4324/u/thedovelamenting
432525/09/2012, 16:15:01
4326If you are sexually incompatible do not get married. Do not. Do not. For all the reasons ta1901 says.
4327
4328"Relationship breaks" aren't a thing. Either you're together or you aren't. It sounds like he wants to leave, so break up and now and save both of you the pain of divorce, which is never pleasant.
4329/r/relationships
4330/u/thedovelamenting
433125/09/2012, 16:10:57
4332She sounds like a lazy, insecure prick. And a bad fuck, to boot. This "no woman wants the light on" stuff is BS. Every girl I've been with has wanted the light on, because they can actually see me, and if they can see me they feel closer and more connected to me. I want the light on for the same reasons and also just, y'know, the view. I don't want to feel like I've doing a fleshlight with sound effects, as someone else here so aptly put it.
4333
4334If she's telling you to be open and then shooting you down when you do open up, that's incredibly manipulative and just really poor form. It doesn't bode well for later in the relationship. Frankly, I think if the genders were reversed people would be going apeshit here. 
4335
4336So yeah. It's time to stand up for yourself. Oral in standard. For you and for her. At least 4/5 other positions besides missionary. With the damn lights on. Some exploration and accommodation of kinks. If she can't handle all this, she needs therapy for her body image issues, which sound pretty darn severe. Has she had an eating disorder in the past, or anything like that?
4337
4338Good luck, but I'm sorry not be more optimistic. If not though you shouldn't have much difficulty finding someone else. 
4339/r/relationships
4340/u/thedovelamenting
434125/09/2012, 15:26:42
4342Sticking your dick in crazy is one thing. Dating crazy is another. I've tried both and can confirm it doesn't work. She sounds nuts and just like an awful person in general. Dump her. You deserve someone who will treat you properly.
4343/r/relationships
4344/u/thedovelamenting
434524/09/2012, 17:53:30
4346He's being a fool. Yeah, nobody really loves condoms yada yada but it won't kill him to wear one this once, or this several times. 
4347/r/relationships
4348/u/thedovelamenting
434924/09/2012, 16:26:50
4350Oh, jeez. I would say you sound like an emo teenage girl, but I think that's pretty unfair to emo teenage girls. Who cares?
4351/r/relationships
4352/u/thedovelamenting
435324/09/2012, 15:48:16
4354I have experience with borderline crazy, but it's hard to diagnose what form of crazy this might be over the internet. It doesn't really matter though. Crazy is bad to date. Break up and throw her hard out of your life.
4355/r/relationships
4356/u/thedovelamenting
435724/09/2012, 15:25:04
4358She's either crazy or not that into you or both.
4359
4360Split up. Find someone better. It's not hard.
4361/r/relationships
4362/u/thedovelamenting
436324/09/2012, 15:04:26
4364Ah, ok. Enjoy the thought that even if this dude and your soon-to-be-ex wife hook up, those relationships very rarely last. The cycle of cheating proves pernicious.
4365/r/relationships
4366/u/thedovelamenting
436724/09/2012, 15:00:07
4368Fella, your wife cheated. Even if he never actually put his penis in her vagina (spectacularly unlikely, like 0.00001 %) this is the emotional affair of all time. But realistically you can be sure they've had sex. Emotional connection and hand-holding? Fuck that BS. Penis pics, sexy emails, incidents involving a car near a bus stop - yeah, they're fucking. How can you even talk about trusting this woman?
4369
4370Just dump her. Even if you try to "forgive" you will never forget and the insecurity will eat you, because what's the best predictor of future cheating? Past cheating. Throw her clean out of your world, lawyer up, hope the divorce isn't too painful, and get on with your life. 
4371
4372As for moving on, the world is full of other women. Many of whom aren't cheating skanks.
4373
4374Oh, and tell his wife. She deserves to know exactly who she's married to. Show her the emails and watch his world implode. A small measure of revenge.
4375/r/relationships
4376/u/thedovelamenting
437724/09/2012, 14:13:19
4378Of course I have no idea if this process is what has happened, but it is very common, so it's worth asking. The Onion spoofs it all quite brilliantly here: http://www.theonion.com/articles/girlfriend-changes-man-into-someone-shes-not-inter,1507/
4379
4380It's funny until you realize how many real life couples those two resemble. Then it gets a bit sad. But I don't want to imply it's the OP's fault if this has happened - it isn't.
4381/r/relationships
4382/u/thedovelamenting
438324/09/2012, 14:07:34
4384Uh, why not? People in relationships still need to seduce each other to keep things spicy, it's not as though game principles stop at the door of commitment. The article in question is explicitly talking about how to apply seduction principles to LTRs, and how to avoid killing desire. In fact some people have written books and created businesses based around teaching people how to do this (because it works). Athol Kay is the most obvious example I can think of but I'm sure there are others.
4385/r/relationships
4386/u/thedovelamenting
438724/09/2012, 13:32:16
4388This is such a common story. It might not be the problem here, but it's so often you hear just this. Do GPs not warn women this might happen before prescribing the pill, and to watch out for it? You hear awful stories of women going for years with dead desires and not understanding WTF has happened to them, getting stressed and depressed over it - then they stop taking the pill, and voila. Crazy world.
4389/r/relationships
4390/u/thedovelamenting
439124/09/2012, 13:30:01
4392Your mental frame could use changing in a couple places I think. You talk about the taps being off, as though the lack of sex is something she has control over. Rationally she must know that such a thin quantity of sex will eventually blow your relationship to hell, so I highly doubt she's deliberately withholding her affections - if she could have good sex with you, she would. The problem is either betaization-caused disgust (cures for which see Athol Kay, Rollo Tomassi, and Roissy) or just "she's just not that into you". Assume she has no control over what she does and precede from there - what you want to get to is a state where she falls into your arms in the slightest provocation, still entirely uncontrollably. 
4393
4394Cultivate some outcome independence. Nothing kills desire like visible resentment. If she turns down your advances shrug and smile. It sucks, but you have to. But for heaven's sake make sure your advances don't consist of flowers chocolate candles romantic dinners yada yada yada. I do that stuff every now and then because it's fun for both of us and good for our relationship. It cultivates security and relaxation, which is mostly a good thing. But it's not a seduction routine. We split the dishes because that's the basic stuff of making a relationship work and you don't want to accumulate resentments. But that's not seduction either. Seduction is the right titration of insecurity, thrill, danger, fear, terror, and dread. Violence too, but only if she's kinky and signs up for that in advance (SSC, RACK and all).
4395
4396So long as you stop viewing her as in control, and so long as you stop viewing nice guy stuff as stuff to get laid rather than fun stuff to do that also stops the sexy insecurity from blowing the relationship up, you'll be fine.
4397
4398Of course not all women fit in this little paradigm :) But if she finds Marlon Brando in "A Streetcar Named Desire" sexy, if she gets off to 50 Shades or other similar erotica, and if she doesn't show any interest in tying you up in bed and flogging your backside, chances are... 
4399/r/relationships
4400/u/thedovelamenting
440124/09/2012, 12:55:58
4402MTFU. Yeah, I'm probably the PUA asshole on a bunch of these threads saying that romanic dinners, candle nights, back rubs, being nice, being the good guy do not get you laid: being the sexiest, most powerful, toughest, James Bond-esque bastard you can be does. Because it does. Because female desire, for the most part (there are exceptions) is very much reactive and if you want sex you have present her with the right stimuli. You have to turn her on. And no, she cannot "work on this herself", because you cannot negotiate desire. This is the reason most marriage counselling has such  high failure rates: too often counsellors attempt to set up terms (x number of laundry days, Y number of foot massages) for her sexual compliance, completely missing the point about desire. That's not how it works. See also http://rationalmale.wordpress.com/2011/08/25/the-desire-dynamic/
4403
4404Alright. That explains why in general I say "tease her, neg her, seduce her, and make yourself a better and a stronger man" to people in your situation. However...
4405
4406...just as you cannot negotiate desire, so you cannot seduce someone who is just not that into you. Depending on how long you two were together before getting married, it might be that even if you magically metamorphosed into some modern-day young Marlon Brando she still wouldn't fuck you. If you once had great sex for a good while then you can probably get it back. If not, you probably married the wrong person and I would recommend getting divorced and finding someone who actually wants to rip your pants off. 
4407/r/relationships
4408/u/thedovelamenting
440924/09/2012, 11:53:40
4410For most people - particularly women - a healthy sex life needs just the right titration of insecurity, thrill, danger, fear, terror, and dread. Not too much - you don't want to blow up the relationship - but enough to fan the flames of desire. In many straight relationships excessive betaization (http://pua4ltr.wordpress.com/2010/01/28/the-paradox-of-beta-ization/) of the man takes place, killing lust slowly over time. Do you feel like your bf is too much of a "nice guy" sometimes: caves in too easily, doesn't stand up for himself, is too laid back?
4411
4412Now, that said, it's wise to rule out medical causes first. Hormonal contraceptives can have terrible effects on sex drives for many women, so if you're on the pill you could try going off the pill for a bit and see if things perk up once the oestrogen gets out of your system. There are alternative long-term contraceptive options: regular IUDs put far less hormone into the bloodstream than the pill does, and copper IUDs don't use hormone at all. Traditionally doctors were reluctant to give IUDs to women who had not yet had children because of concerns surrounding pelvic inflammatory disease, and some GPs still won't do so. More will, however, since it was discovered that preexisting STIs were what was causing the PID, and not the IUDs. So now they screen for STIs before they put the things in, although obviously you still have to trust your partner to be faithful to you!
4413
4414Often lack of desire is a combination of these two problems. Good luck. I hope you get it sorted out. 
4415/r/relationships
4416/u/thedovelamenting
441724/09/2012, 11:35:51
4418Be a man. Tell your father. He deserves to know, and it will ruin your relationship with him if you don't tell him and he finds out anyway. Contrary to what some other people have been saying, I think it is better if he finds out from you: it gives him a chance to confront your mother on his terms, without her having had any time to prepare more lies and more manipulation (at the dark arts of which she is doubtless quite skilled, particularly in regard to your father).
4419/r/relationships
4420/u/thedovelamenting
442122/09/2012, 17:56:55
4422Your physical desires/needs are not something separate from the relationship. They are, or should be, integral to it. If not, something is wrong.
4423
4424Most important question, though: does she masturbate? If so, how often?
4425/r/relationships
4426/u/thedovelamenting
442722/09/2012, 17:07:34
4428Athol Kay is thoroughly recommended. The forum is good too. In general it sounds like you need to back right off, leave her alone for a bit, and demonstrate some outcome independence. 
4429
4430And also perhaps you need to work on your wife selection skills. How on earth is she 26 and already on her second marriage?
4431/r/relationships
4432/u/thedovelamenting
443322/09/2012, 16:49:59
4434As I have posted elsewhere: 
4435
4436"Getting married is a pretty big deal, since getting divorced is a financial pain in the backside and divorce courts are often especially unfavourable to fathers in terms of access to children (this is a major issue in the UK, though I do believe it's better in the US). Marriage for a young man these days should be viewed as a high stakes gamble: high risk, high reward. Since you wouldn't take $500,000 to a poker table for a 400/800 game without knowing what you were doing with the cards you were dealt, why would you get married without doing due diligence?
4437First of all, do not get married without having established whether or not her sex drive matches up to yours, or at least gets close. The internet is full of frustrated men and women (in fact, a surprisingly large number of women) whose spouses cannot, or will not, fuck them properly. This causes vast amounts of stress, divorce, affairs, separation, and keep an industrial army of marriage counsellors, therapists, and prostitutes in business. Check out /r/deadbedrooms for some evidence of just how disastrous mismatched drives can be. Do not, DO NOT get married without having done your due diligence here."
4438
4439tl:dr: you are an idiot to get married without having sorted out whether or not you match up sexually. If you wants to get naked and have sex, have sex. In fact you should be doing your best to facilitate this. Get her naked and get busy. Because also...
4440
4441" but also because even though rational brain might be telling her "no sex before marriage", her hindbrain/body agenda has surely got to be screaming "why is this man not fucking me? We are young and fertile and I am certainly signalling availability!" Hang around her too long in a sexless relationship and that id voice will start talking louder and louder, and that's not good for either of you."
4442/r/relationships
4443/u/thedovelamenting
444421/09/2012, 11:12:09
4445"She's my world", "shes my life (sic)", "I wanted to die" - no she isn't. No you don't. There are something like 3.5 billion other girls out there. She's just some chick. You've been her beta orbiter (http://www.theuniversityofman.com/blog/2012/5/30/you-guest-it-deti-shames-the-beta-orbiter.html) and you've basically just let her use you. (of course she knew all along how you felt). Nice job. Throw her out of your life, because she is bad for you. Go and get some self-respect, some real friends, and some outcome independence. You know what you can do in situations like this?
4446
4447YOU CAN ACT LIKE A MAN!
4448/r/relationships
4449/u/thedovelamenting
445021/09/2012, 10:27:49
4451If she won't respect your perfectly reasonable boundaries then break up with her. If she wants the clubbing experience without the guys grinding dick against her then she can find the nearest gay club, which in my experience is what girls in relationships tend to do. In the longterm she will respect you far more if you stand up for yourself and actually enforce your boundaries, rather than just let her trample all over you. To be frank, though, she sounds like she just wants the attention, and people like that tend not to make for great relationship material. So watch your step.
4452/r/relationships
4453/u/thedovelamenting
445420/09/2012, 19:04:20
4455Dump/divorce the motherfucker already.
4456/r/relationships
4457/u/thedovelamenting
445820/09/2012, 17:38:16
4459No, you've just completely missed the point. I am not denying the reality of wonderful relationships, just that 99.9 percent of the time you could find someone else who would make you just as happy, though perhaps in different ways, and that realizing this is important for many people because otherwise they become dependent on their SO and the relationship becomes unhealthy. 
4460
4461Read the original link I posted. Rollo explains it better than I do. 
4462/r/relationships
4463/u/thedovelamenting
446420/09/2012, 17:18:43
4465Please explain to me how I am cynical in any sense of the word. 
4466
4467I love the assumption that just because I think the concept of the ONE is painful BS, and because I think oneitis is extremely dangerous, I cannot at the same time be in a loving relationship. As a matter I fact I am, a relationship that gets closer and more loving every single day. 
4468
4469But "understands you 100%" - if true, that's impressive. Frankly, I doubt it's possible. We rarely know ourselves, so understanding someone else 100% - that would be quite something. There will always be corners of other's hearts we cannot touch, and actually I think that's a good thing. Desire needs some mystery.
4470/r/relationships
4471/u/thedovelamenting
447220/09/2012, 16:03:36
4473Oh, and just dump this idiot. If you've had unprotected sex get yourself tested for STIs.
4474/r/relationships
4475/u/thedovelamenting
447620/09/2012, 16:02:47
4477Man, I swear every single day some dude in the military is posting about the girl who cheated on him here. It's just too crazy. Judging purely by /r/relationships they should put a sign in neon above every military base saying "Men! Do not have girlfriends until you have left the service!".
4478/r/relationships
4479/u/thedovelamenting
448020/09/2012, 15:32:56
4481Ok. Sounds good.
4482/r/relationships
4483/u/thedovelamenting
448420/09/2012, 15:31:51
4485Fine, I'll just respond to the last bit, since the rest was so much incoherence. I see people every single day, in real life, on this reddit, wherever, trapped in abusive, controlling relationships with people they cannot bear to leave because they are firmly convinced that their partner is THE ONE. They love their partners oh so dearly, yet they suffer terribly for it. They do not understand that they would be perfectly happy with someone else who would treat them properly, and that this person would be trivially easy to find, because they have had the disneyfied notion of the ONE rammed into their heads since they were aged 5. That's why I care. That's why I tell people their partner is probably not the ONE because there is no ONE. If more people knew this and acted accordingly, it would literally save lives.
4486
4487Now please explain how at any point I have insulted anyone.
4488/r/relationships
4489/u/thedovelamenting
449020/09/2012, 15:21:45
4491Sounds good. Your little brother should know for sure. But really he should not be left in this environment without some kind of support. Can you not contact social services to tell them about the abuse you've suffered and what you fear your little brother will continue to undergo?
4492/r/relationships
4493/u/thedovelamenting
449420/09/2012, 15:14:15
4495Still not getting the point. If somehow you have met the one man out of all the men you could possibly ever meet who truly satisfies you, great. You're in a tiny statistical minority, but never mind. The problem is not that you have met this great man. Enjoy the fucking ;)
4496
4497The problem is the belief that for each of us there is only ONE who will ever do, when this is simply not the case, and not just because /r/polyamory exists. For the vast majority, they could be happy with more than just one partner, out of all the potential partners they could ever meet. Believing that your current partner is the ONE is a harbinger of a toxic relationship, because if they are the ONE, how could you ever leave? What terrible thing could they do that would make you leave, set against the fact that they are the ONE? If they are the ONE, shouldn't you share all your emotions with them, all your needs, all your thoughts? Because that's what one does when one finds the ONE, right? 
4498
4499Even if you suspect you might have found the mythical ONE, this Arabian Phoenix, try very hard not to think it. 
4500/r/relationships
4501/u/thedovelamenting
450220/09/2012, 15:05:36
4503You girlfriend sounds wonderful but if you want this relationship to last you cannot rely on her as your emotional crutch. You must be with her out of want, not out of need. To emerge as a fully functioning, mentally healthy adult you will need therapy to understand and process what has happened to you. The fact that you are still hesitant to move out and are still "indoctrinated" to obey your mother's craziness is proof positive of your need for therapy. In capitals: GET SOME.
4504/r/relationships
4505/u/thedovelamenting
450620/09/2012, 14:57:02
4507Don't. Your father is likely too wrapped up in the situation, to the point where he is likely co-dependent and lost in her craziness. If you wait until after the chemo there will always be some other reason as to why you shouldn't leave.
4508
4509Get yourself some therapy if you possible can, I don't doubt that you have a lot of healing to do. I had an 18 month relationship with a borderline girl and it was bloody awful. I can only imagine what being brought up by one for 20 years was like. I know it probably doesn't mean much, but I'm so sorry for the abuse you've suffered and the torment you've undergone.
4510/r/relationships
4511/u/thedovelamenting
451220/09/2012, 14:49:42
4513Oh, man, my heart aches for you.
4514
4515Get out. Far, far away from this woman and her madness. 
4516/r/relationships
4517/u/thedovelamenting
451820/09/2012, 14:39:30
4519<scratches head>
4520
4521You're missing my point. My point is not that you won't find ONE person who is so much better suited to you than all others have been. If so, lucky you. Logically, however, this doesn't preclude the possibility that someone else in the future might make you feel the same way. 
4522
4523My point is that belief in THE ONE is a crippling, chronic disease. It ruins relationships and wrecks lives. I don't need to point to examples: they flood this subreddit and we can see this all around us in everyday life. Outcome independence is critical to relationship health.
4524/r/relationships
4525/u/thedovelamenting
452620/09/2012, 14:27:03
4527Thanks kindly for your best wishes. Enjoy the co-dependency while it lasts. Come back in another ten years and let me know how it worked out for you. 
4528
4529Edit: alright, that was a bit snarky, but completely relying on someone emotionally is a horrible, horrible idea. It places a ridiculously tough and terribly unfair burden on them. I love my gf dearly and she has certainly changed my life, but she is far from my only source of emotional support, and there are of course things I do not tell her and never will for all sorts of reasons. I have friends, my parents, my siblings...
4530
4531And I have made it clear to her, and she to me, that we do not need each other, and if we broke up we would both be saddened but could find someone else. We stay together out of want, not out of need. That is important.
4532/r/relationships
4533/u/thedovelamenting
453420/09/2012, 11:45:53
4535DTMFA. Obviously.
4536/r/relationships
4537/u/thedovelamenting
453820/09/2012, 11:43:50
4539Nope, get out and find someone else with whom you have a mutually loving relationship. It's not just that you're not that into her, either, because, as a general rule:
4540
4541"A girl’s urge to pressure you to marry is inversely correlated to her depth of love for you.
4542
4543Corollary: a marriage ultimatum means she is on the cusp of falling out of love with you."
4544/r/relationships
4545/u/thedovelamenting
454620/09/2012, 10:50:52
4547Kudos for sorting out the porn ban nonsense, extra kudos for doing so in a mature and assertive way.
4548
4549That said, I believe you are not doing sufficient work on Wife Selection.  Getting married is a pretty big deal, since getting divorced is a financial pain in the backside and divorce courts are often especially unfavourable to fathers in terms of access to children (this is a major issue in the UK, though I do believe it's better in the US). Marriage for a young man these days should be viewed as a high stakes gamble: high risk, high reward. Since you wouldn't take $500,000 to a poker table for a 400/800 game without knowing what you were doing with the cards you were dealt, why would you get married without doing due diligence?
4550
4551First of all, do not get married without having established whether or not her sex drive matches up to yours, or at least gets close. The internet is full of frustrated men and women (in fact, a surprisingly large number of women) whose spouses cannot, or will not, fuck them properly. This causes vast amounts of stress, divorce, affairs, separation, and keep an industrial army of marriage counsellors, therapists, and prostitutes in business. Check out /r/deadbedrooms for some evidence of just how disastrous mismatched drives can be. Do not, DO NOT get married without having done your due diligence here. TheCrookedTruth is quite right: while her not masturbating is not absolutely fatal, it is a huge red flag (assuming she is telling the truth - she may well be lying). Even though, in her teens, it took my super-high-drive girlfriend quite a while to figure out that she could not come without vibration, she spent a lot of time in the process of deducing this....
4552
4553Therefore, it's important, I think, that in your "fondling" you do your level best to drive her as crazy as possible, hopefully to the point where her inhibitions evaporate in a maze of lust and you actually get to fuck. Not just for due diligence reasons, but also because even though rational brain might be telling her "no sex before marriage", her hindbrain/body agenda has surely got to be screaming "why is this man not fucking me? We are young and fertile and I am certainly signalling availability!" Hang around her too long in a sexless relationship and that id voice will start talking louder and louder, and that's not good for either of you.
4554
4555If and when you do get to fuck, however, you are not looking for competence. Don't expect it. You're looking for enthusiasm and wild abandon. Competence can come later. She will likely be awful, in a technical sense, despite her romantic notions. Most virgins are, although a tiny minority are naturals. Young girls, in particular, seem to be possessed of this idea that all they have to do is read a few Cosmo articles, and voila, they are sex goddesses. The idea that you have to work and practice to be a proficient lover seems anathema. Even my girlfriend, who is pretty darn amazing, does have moments where I have to say afterwards "no kitten, that's not how you handle a penis. You do this. Let me show you...." At least here you may be in the same boat, since you don't say if you've had sex before? If you did mention this my apologies in advance for missing it.
4556
4557Other major red flags include her views on sex and love (see my post below about there being no ONE, and how the idea is harmful and destructive). She may well have thought about her views on sex but they are entirely wrongheaded and rather stupid. As you say, her analogy makes no sense because it assumes, at its core, that sex involves "giving your heart away". Obviously it doesn't, or doesn't have to. It's a disneyfied view of sex that implies stuff like practice and competence don't matter: having sex is all that matters, with all the "emotional connection" that implies. Actually learning how to give good head? Ah, that's for hookers. What she gives should be enough for you. Rather like how she was supposed to be enough for you now, and you weren't supposed to watch any porn....
4558
4559And if she values sex so highly, and views the first time as this huge deal, how's she going to react when the first time is uncomfortable, awkward, and maybe even kind of hurts? Which it probably will. She's a virgin and neither of you know each other's bodies in that way. My first time with my current gf was pretty solid (we were both reasonably experienced), but was definitely worse than pretty much each subsequent occasion since, as we've got better and better with each other over time.
4560
4561And the contradiction here is screaming: "that she does want me in that way and still reckons I'm the hottest guy on the planet, but thinks that something as special as sex should wait until marriage."
4562
4563Dude, if she was this hot for you your fondling sessions would have at least got to the blowjob stage by now. Either she's got really amazing self-control that is one fragile poke away from shattering, or she's not nearly as hot for you as she thinks she is. I would try out the former thesis (see what happens if you try eating her out), but if you get nowhere I would start considering the latter.
4564
4565tl;dr: marriage is a huge fucking deal, do not get hitched without having done due diligence first. This includes the bedroom. Don't be a dumbass gambler with one of the most important decisions of your life.
4566/r/relationships
4567/u/thedovelamenting
456819/09/2012, 16:26:03
4569Goddamnit, you should have stripped off outside, walked through the door, and posted the resulting story to some fapfest subreddit somewhere or other. Would have been awesome!
4570
4571Ok, levity over. I don't really see that you need to do much of anything here. It's hardly a crime to fantasize about a threesome with your (presumably hot) girlfriend's roommate, nor is it a crime for her (your roomate) to fantasize about fucking you. On the other hand, it is rather poor etiquette to take over the living room for boning sessions without first checking that you actually do have the house to yourself. I would gently remind your roommate that next time she and her bf want to fuck in the living room, just make sure the house is actually empty first.
4572
4573I wouldn't mention that you overheard the threesome stuff, however. What on earth is she supposed to say?
4574/r/relationships
4575/u/thedovelamenting
457617/09/2012, 17:33:44
4577When you say you were using birth control measures, what do you mean by this? Condoms? Was she on the pill?
4578/r/relationships
4579/u/thedovelamenting
458017/09/2012, 17:22:57
4581Of course. As ever these things are deeply personal; your situation sounds unusual but given what you say your choices sounds pretty reasonable.
4582
4583It will be interesting to see what happens with abortion in the US. At the rate some states are passing abortion-limiting laws of dubious constitutionality it seems like only a matter of time before the whole thing ends up in front of the Supreme Court again.
4584/r/relationships
4585/u/thedovelamenting
458617/09/2012, 17:19:58
4587Do so. It sounds like, autism issues apart, this lack of sexual-desire-generation is the real problem. The MMSL forum is actually pretty helpful as well: lots of men and women stuck in low-sex relationships they are unwilling to leave, trying to rekindle the spark. You are not alone.
4588/r/relationships
4589/u/thedovelamenting
459017/09/2012, 17:06:14
4591Physical attraction, sexual compatibility, mutual respect, enough in common so you have things to talk about, mutual honesty, and a commitment to acting ethically as much as possible. That's a good start.
4592
4593And it helps, in most straight relationships, if the guy knows a little Game, just to keep things ticking over so he doesn't smother her in TLC, which is the primary fault of many fellas these days (particularly the educated liberal types).
4594/r/relationships
4595/u/thedovelamenting
459617/09/2012, 16:45:26
4597Ok, I understand: I realize that no, you cannot go back and expect things to be the same in that scenario, obviously. Just the way you phrased made it sound as though you expected to be living in the near future in some oddball hyper-patriarchy where women needed men's permission for abortions ;)
4598
4599That said, it really is pretty rare to get pregnant on the pill or one of the other reliable forms of contraception (IUDs, implant). I don't think it's irrational to decide the right person might be worth risking this highly improbable scenario for. It's a bit of gamble, sure, but what isn't in life?
4600/r/relationships
4601/u/thedovelamenting
460217/09/2012, 16:30:03
4603I don't understand. If you date an anti-abortion person, you don't have to beg and plead if you need one - you can just do so....
4604/r/relationships
4605/u/thedovelamenting
460617/09/2012, 16:27:24
4607And in fact, the law nearly everywhere does limit your supposed rights, banning as it does abortion beyond a certain date. This is based on the recognition that abortion (or personal liberty, essentially) is not an absolute right exceeding all others, but something that must be balanced against other conflicting rights and demands. The result is the rather messy compromise that constitutes abortion law.
4608/r/relationships
4609/u/thedovelamenting
461017/09/2012, 16:23:34
4611Different people think about rights in different ways. Having a more limited view of what constitutes a right is hardly an extreme philosophical position, and has a long historical tradition supporting it. But you are, of course, free to choose as you wish. 
4612
4613Now, with that said, I wouldn't necessarily want to date someone who smacked of zealotry, and took politics a touch too seriously. Given that nearly all problems in the world are caused by taking malignant ideologues taking things too seriously -  and it is in any case a bad sign for the relationship, suggesting as it does that they might not be willing to make the necessary compromises.
4614/r/relationships
4615/u/thedovelamenting
461617/09/2012, 16:19:22
4617There are ways and ways around this: accidental pregnancies are very rare when on the pill and almost non-existent if she gets an IUD. Plus, there are many people who may dislike abortion in theory but will not object strenuously if the statistically improbable happens and the alternative is a couple of lives fucked over by sheer bad luck. You can put me down as one...
4618/r/relationships
4619/u/thedovelamenting
462017/09/2012, 15:43:42
4621You pick men based on what they think about music, literature, and politics? I listen to Bach and Handel with frequent helpings of Wagner; my girlfriend is a goth with an addiction to Rammstein. Our politics could not be more different (she's pinko liberal, I'm old-school One Nation Tory). Worst of all, she also thinks Jane Austen is funny. I don't understand how for the life of me, and probably never will. All of the above, no one noticed or indeed cared about: we were in such a hurry to rip each other's clothes off. In my experience this compatibility stuff that gets banded around dating sites etc is very shallow - the real deal lies much deeper.
4622/r/relationships
4623/u/thedovelamenting
462417/09/2012, 15:08:04
4625Um, not really. I'm UK-based, not American, but over here we elected the first female Prime Minister (as well as the first bachelor and the first Jew). And frankly, if you disqualify potential partners based on their views on abortion or whatever, you're making a huge mistake. A person that can think it's wrong and unethical for a wide variety of good reasons and that is fine: we all have legitimate differences of opinion. 
4626/r/relationships
4627/u/thedovelamenting
462817/09/2012, 14:29:28
4629Date conservatives. In my experience, we're mostly big softies who don't really dig the fuckbuddy thing.
4630/r/relationships
4631/u/thedovelamenting
463217/09/2012, 14:09:04
4633If you do decide to stay with her for whatever reason, she needs extensive therapy for her insecurity issues, because this is just TDC (too damn crazy).
4634/r/relationships
4635/u/thedovelamenting
463617/09/2012, 14:07:26
4637Jeez, she doesn't like a bitch. She sounds like a paranoid maniac for whom the word insecure isn't even close to accurate. This behaviour is freakishly abnormal. Run for the hills, seriously. And if, like 99 percent of the rest of men, you watch porn, I hope you are bloody careful about clearing your browser history or using private browsing, because otherwise you might contract a sudden case of arsenic-in-the-soup.
4638/r/relationships
4639/u/thedovelamenting
464016/09/2012, 16:11:12
4641Do you feel as though you love and care for her too much, and show it too overtly? Do you find yourself doing loads of things "just for her"? Do you think she takes you for granted? Do you have lots of "flowers and candles" evenings that end up sexlessly? Do you think she is THE ONE? If so, does she know it?
4642
4643If you answer yes to the majority above, I diagnose severe early-onset Betaization. If not, well, it's a puzzlement.
4644/r/relationships
4645/u/thedovelamenting
464616/09/2012, 15:32:49
4647Just practice some mixture of aloofness and amused mastery (the latter is much more important than the former: both Ian Ironwood and Rollo Tomassi have written good posts on it - Roissy as well I think). In practice, make her pay for her own dinner every now and then. If you live apart, don't call her for a couple of days. If she rings, don't pick up the phone. Then act nonchalantly when you do pick up and brush off any questions. Backhanded compliments are a fine art but work beautifully if done well (her: "Will you still come visit me in my new place? I know it's a bit of trek.". Me: "Kitten, the day I don't travel for sex is the day you should take me down to the doctor to get checked out for low testosterone.") End dumb conversations you're bored of about trivial things that don't matter (politics etc) with a grin and grope. Make it clear she is not THE ONE, because you don't believe in the bullshit concept of THE ONE, and if she left, you'd be saddened but fine and could find someone else. Hopefully, she should feel the same way. If she doesn't buy it, explain why belief in THE ONE is not only dumb but ultimately toxic to a healthy relationship. Outcome independence in general is a great thing: don't show annoyance or frustration, just indifference, at stuff that pisses you off, unless it's a seriously big deal or significant boundary violation. Even overtly loving and caring things you do (I love brushing her hair, which is a good thing since I've banned her from cutting it for a while) can be reframed as "this is to make you even hotter and even more sexually alluring". The trick really is to strike a balance between independent and amused on the one hand, and loving and caring on the other. Relationships thrive on just the right titration of uncertainty, insecurity, and fear - too little and she finds you boring and feels smothered, too much and she feels genuinely insecure and afraid, and even though this is a good recipe for getting lots of hot sex it will eventually blow a relationship sky-high unless she's a complete drama addict, which most girls aren't, apart from a tiny minority who are crazy like that.
4648/r/relationships
4649/u/thedovelamenting
465016/09/2012, 01:59:45
4651Would really respect that person, though? I understand you want him to give up the bike to soothe your anxieties (which make perfect sense given your background), but in the long run would that actually do your relationship any favours? If he gives up something he loves and that loads of people do (i.e isn't BASE jumping or whatever), that would lower his value hugely in the eyes of many partners. But maybe that's not you. Anyway, just something to think about. Certainly I wouldn't want my gf to give up something fun in a million years, even if the idea of it scared the shit out of me. FWIW she actually does bicycle the streets of London pretty much every day, and that's certainly got strong potential for maiming and death.
4652
4653Anyway, best of luck working on your demons. Hope it pans out well for the both of you.
4654/r/relationships
4655/u/thedovelamenting
465616/09/2012, 01:08:05
4657Would you really want a lameass boyfriend who caved to you over this and gave up his bike, despite his obvious passion for it? Frankly, I'd be surprised. It's his life and so long as he gets (ed: I see already has them) the standard safety equipment/clothing you should just accept his decision with good grace.
4658/r/relationships
4659/u/thedovelamenting
466016/09/2012, 01:03:49
4661A couple possibilities: either she's cheating and is smart about hiding it (very possible), or she has some hangup about sex, or she has a super low sex drive, or you've done the classic thing where you've smothered her in love and caring to the point where she no longer finds you sexy. Only the last of these in any way fixable, although I actually think one of the others is way more likely. Her behaviour about the phone is very odd and highly suspicious, but at the same time "a minimum of 2 times a week, sometimes more." is really not that much sex for a young couple in a new relationship - although obviously this depends on the number of opportunities you have.
4662
4663Either way I would just leave and find someone else with whom getting laid is just a bit less complicated.
4664/r/relationships
4665/u/thedovelamenting
466616/09/2012, 00:32:15
4667Well, he has £100 quid to spend, and the place is vast, easily an entire day's worth of experiences. Worth the money I think.
4668/r/relationships
4669/u/thedovelamenting
467015/09/2012, 21:46:45
4671Congrats on getting her out of your life. Just make sure you don't ever take this dumb entitlement princess back - you sound like a decent guy who deserves someone better and more respectful.
4672/r/relationships
4673/u/thedovelamenting
467415/09/2012, 21:41:51
4675If the weather is good, Kew Gardens is beautiful and very romantic.
4676/r/relationships
4677/u/thedovelamenting
467815/09/2012, 21:37:42
4679Dump this loser. Actually, I said that wrong.
4680
4681DUMP THIS LOSER.
4682
4683That's better.
4684/r/sex
4685/u/thedovelamenting
468614/09/2012, 19:14:16
4687Sooo...will you agree with me that unconditional love doesn't exist? Because you are prepared to leave and no longer love if certain conditions of the contract (be it a formal marriage contract or an informal LTR one) are broken? Your formulation of "well nobody would ever do terrible things if they are loved unconditionally" makes no sense, and comes across as a touch weaselly.
4688
4689This really is ridiculous:
4690
4691"...leave, cheat, abuse someone who respects me? Why would she want to if I love her unconditionally?"
4692
4693No one - or at least very few people - actually go out there and plan to cheat on and abuse their partners. In their own minds, their behaviour is nothing of the kind, and in reality they are usually driven to it by forces they do not understand and have not the self-control to restrain. Nor can their befuddled partners usually do anything to help.
4694/r/sex
4695/u/thedovelamenting
469614/09/2012, 18:38:59
4697This makes no sense. You seem to be saying we should love our partners without conditions until they abuse us. Then it turns out our love does have conditions, because then we should leave?
4698
4699Why not be more honest and simply say upfront: "I will love you faithfully and passionately so long as you don't hit me, cheat on me, stop having sex with me for no good reason, act like an asshole, become a lazy fool, or in any other way break this informal contract of our LTR".
4700/r/relationships
4701/u/thedovelamenting
470214/09/2012, 15:09:17
4703Um, well if your boyfriend is happy, and you're happy, who cares what your idiot sister thinks? That neither of you will give up your hobbies for each other is a great sign for your relationship, congrats!
4704
4705Personally twice a week would be a little low for me, but then I have very high libido and a partner who is the same. But sheesh, it's fine, don't worry.
4706/r/sex
4707/u/thedovelamenting
470814/09/2012, 14:56:07
4709Yes, I trust my partner not to cheat on me or try to kill me - doesn't mean she couldn't, technically speaking. I'm sure my mother trusts me not to sexually abuse my younger siblings, but again technically it's possible.
4710
4711My point is that love is always conditional. If I raped my youngest brother my mother would hardly love me any more; if my girlfriend cheated on me I would throw her out and not look back.
4712
4713For example: this notion of unconditional love, coupled with Divorce is Wrong mentality, is a major problem with a lot of contemporary Christian marriages - if divorce is off the table then there exists no real sanction for awful behaviour. 
4714/r/sex
4715/u/thedovelamenting
471614/09/2012, 14:35:21
4717Not knocking the rest of what he had to say at all. But I do think it's fairly important that people realise unconditional love is fictional BS and you should neither expect it nor attempt to grant it. A relatively minor point but an important one, because if you model relationships on so-called unconditional love you'll find you've been building castles in the air, with no foundation propping them up whatsoever. 
4718/r/relationships
4719/u/thedovelamenting
472014/09/2012, 14:24:20
4721Fair enough. Shall I let you know how it goes in a couple of months?
4722/r/relationships
4723/u/thedovelamenting
472414/09/2012, 14:20:49
4725And you disagree with that because?
4726/r/relationships
4727/u/thedovelamenting
472814/09/2012, 14:17:48
4729if so, then you know to dump her ASAP, because you should not be marrying that woman.
4730/r/relationships
4731/u/thedovelamenting
473214/09/2012, 12:49:34
4733I would find all of these highly inappropriate. Skinny dipping, keeping her ex around, and sharing a bed with a dude (she *says* nothing happened)? Really? The ex still being there is probably the worst. Regardless of what other people do or do not find inappropriate, who cares? You clearly have your boundaries. So enforce them, for heaven's sake. It's pretty clear at any rate she loves the attention from this group of dudes (who have either all fucked her, or want to). Such behaviour is very immature at best. 
4734
4735If she leaves because she won't comply with your perfectly reasonable boundaries then who cares? She clearly wasn't much of a catch anyway. There are plenty of other girls. 
4736/r/relationships
4737/u/thedovelamenting
473814/09/2012, 12:37:34
4739Her killing herself would of course be awful, but 1) you would eventually get over it, given time and therapy and 2) it's just really so so unlikely to happen. I would confidently wager a large sum of money on her not doing so based on what you've told us and my experience with manipulative crazies, and I play my poker pretty tight.
4740/r/relationships
4741/u/thedovelamenting
474214/09/2012, 12:33:37
4743What everyone else said, with the addendum that you should probably dump your boyfriend (as well as getting rid of this creepy dude) for being such a massive loser that he agreed to this ridiculous scenario. This other man expects wild times with your vagina, it's as plain as the nose on your face. Why either of you is in any way ok with this is beyond me. 
4744/r/relationships
4745/u/thedovelamenting
474614/09/2012, 11:54:08
4747I was about to post something similar, but this guy said it all. Major league disaster is brewing here. Time to take pre-emptive action.
4748/r/relationships
4749/u/thedovelamenting
475014/09/2012, 11:40:13
4751He's hardly oblivious. I warned him, but he didn't listen - a combination of Major League White Knight Syndrome, plus of course it meant he got laid. I know that you want her to find a sucker so she won't be "your problem any more", but what you need to realize is that she isn't your problem now.
4752/r/relationships
4753/u/thedovelamenting
475414/09/2012, 11:25:13
4755Marriage counselling is a good thing in this world to be sure, but it cannot cure batshit crazy. Batshit crazy is what she is, right enough. He has his problems too of course (why on earth has he stuck with this for so long), but they pale in comparison to hers. He needs some good time with a therapist. She's either incurable or needs a psych ward. There's a slight difference there ;)
4756/r/relationships
4757/u/thedovelamenting
475814/09/2012, 11:21:57
4759You're probably right, fella - if it's some kind of personality disorder she's in a mess - those things aren't very amenable to either therapy or medication. But it might well be something else that does, you never know. Anyway, her future wellbeing should not really be your concern - you need to protect your own ass, and you realize quite well, I think, that the threats of suicide aren't much more than just naked manipulation. 
4760/r/relationships
4761/u/thedovelamenting
476214/09/2012, 11:19:16
4763Nope. She didn't kill herself (of course), but she just found another boyfriend who will continue to play sucker and keep on enabling her and her craziness with love and understanding (which of course isn't what she needs). And he will - I know this guy, and he's lovely, but has no conception of what he's dealing with. 
4764/r/relationships
4765/u/thedovelamenting
476614/09/2012, 11:02:54
4767I think his language is mostly irrelevant to be honest. She called him a bitch on his Facebook profile. So long as he doesn't go batshit crazy he gets quite a lot of leeway on what he says in private, at least in my book. If my partner ever did that to me (not that she would), I would quite rightly flip my shit and wouldn't be polite about it. Such grave disrespect cannot and should not be tolerated.
4768/r/relationships
4769/u/thedovelamenting
477014/09/2012, 10:58:40
4771What on earth is this, just call the police and DTMFA (divorce the motherfucker already). She's likely not going to kill herself, 99 times out of 100 with these crazy people the threat is just a tool used to manipulate you. She's obviously clinically ill and needs serious medical attention. That's the only thing that will make her better. You sticking around is actually just making things worse by enabling her. I had a relationship with a borderline personality disordered girl that ended with her on the phone to me threatening to kill herself while detailing how she'd cut herself.
4772
4773I called the police and then her father, and fairly shortly thereafter that was the end of that.
4774
4775And you, sir, need some serious therapy yourself, because there is a reason you wound up getting sucked into this and seem unable to extricate yourself. 
4776/r/relationships
4777/u/thedovelamenting
477814/09/2012, 10:49:25
4779No, he is not overreacting. He is reacting entirely appropriately and you are lucky to be with a guy with balls who stands up for himself - they are quite rare in the modern world. Honestly, if you'd called him a c*nt that probably would have been less emasculating than calling him a bitch - Jesus H Christ, you couldn't have picked a worse word. Your intentions don't matter really: this was just an awful, awful thing to put on someone's Facebook. Don't do it again! In general, calling your partner names in public is a terrible idea.
4780
4781Anyway, just say something like: "I'm really sorry - I didn't mean to emasculate you, but I see how I did and feel awful for it. I will never, ever do something like this again, please feel free to lock me in the cellar for 3 days with only bread and water if I somehow accidentally do". 
4782
4783The last bit of that is obviously open to tweaking ;)
4784/r/relationships
4785/u/thedovelamenting
478614/09/2012, 10:35:10
4787Have sex, fuck the living shit out of her, and while she's gasping for breath afterwards in a maze of happiness growl in her ear "marry me", having grabbed the ring from the bedside table where you hid it underneath a piece of paper. Bonus points if this scenario takes place underneath the trees in a park or field somewhere. 
4788
4789Upsides:
4790
47911. This is an imperative, not a request. It shouldn't be a request in the modern era, not when you, as a man proposing, are giving so much up and making yourself so vulnerable. Obviously if she says no or "maybe later" the relationship ends right there.
4792
47932. She won't forget in a hurry.
4794
47953. It establishes the mental connection that marriage = sex. Might as well start as you mean to go on. 
4796
4797Downsides: 
4798
47991. She has to invent some soppy story to tell her parents.
4800
4801This guy, for instance, does it all right.
4802
4803http://dacrylagnia.tumblr.com/post/13638680316/i-finally-got-home-to-prince-charming-after-a (NSFW)
4804/r/relationships
4805/u/thedovelamenting
480614/09/2012, 01:44:44
4807There is nothing wrong with being a nice guy, just so long as you aren't either a) an attraction-killing doormat or b) a not-so-nice Nice Guy who does supposedly nice things just to get laid (hint:this doesn't work). Being assertive and standing up for yourself isn't just about attracting and keeping women, it's also about being a good and ethical person, because in my experience doormats can be highly destructive to the people around them (and Nice Guys were never ethical in the first place). Healthy relationships are built around mutual respect - and how can you possibly respect someone whom you routinely walk all over? How can you possibly find that person sexy? In the life of every nice guy, it is necessary every now and then to add a little Bad Boy. This is hardly controversial, or it shouldn't be.
4808
4809It's amusing how the OP says "it fits the situation, thanks a lot for the info", and yet my original comment still gets downvoted anyway. Was it the "hypergamy"? Am I not supposed to use that word?
4810
4811Alright, I'll find a synonym next time, I promise ;)
4812/r/sex
4813/u/thedovelamenting
481414/09/2012, 01:32:24
4815Unconditional love doesn't exist. Nor should it.
4816/r/relationships
4817/u/thedovelamenting
481813/09/2012, 01:50:11
4819And first off make it clear that pecks are unacceptable. You peck your grandmother, for heaven's sake. She's your wife. Lip kisses only. Lots of them. Of no fewer than 7 seconds in duration. With plenty of tongue action. It's a start, at least, to bring the passion back.
4820/r/relationships
4821/u/thedovelamenting
482213/09/2012, 01:47:27
4823You're doing it wrong. Flowers and texts just make her feel smothered: what's worse, they probably come across as needy, and nothing kills desire like need. Nothing ignites desire like flagrant lust combined with occasional aloofness. Come on, put two plus two together: if she is not only assured of your love but also gets visible OTT manifestations of it in the form of flowers (!), then what incentive does she have to change anything? No wonder you only get two/three blowjobs per year (jeez, I get more than that in a day if I'm in the mood).
4824
4825If, however, she thought you might be eyeing up the cute young barista at Starbucks with a view to getting more blowjobs, and if the cute young barista was eyeing you back...
4826
4827Go read some Athol Kay, Roissy@Chateau Heartiste, and Rollo Tomassi. Take the red pill and turn this relationship around to the point where blowjobs are de rigeur and zombie sex is banished to the past.
4828
4829And don't say what you were planning to, at all costs. It's perilously close to an ultimatum and you have a lot of work to do on yourself and your approach to her before you start issuing those.
4830/r/relationships
4831/u/thedovelamenting
483213/09/2012, 00:52:22
4833What this guy said.
4834/r/relationships
4835/u/thedovelamenting
483612/09/2012, 15:55:04
4837Nope, although the medication bit might be optional, I guess. And dude, I have heard this line so many times: "And true my past really doesn't matter, all my past is in the past it shouldn't matter now or in future, I just have a habit of lingering."
4838
4839Every person who I have heard this from had serious unresolved issues from their past that were, unavoidably, fucking up their present. Eventually, after therapy, they admitted this. Unless you understand the past and are at peace with it you are doomed never to escape its clutches.
4840/r/relationships
4841/u/thedovelamenting
484212/09/2012, 14:46:14
4843Brain chemistry can be rewired. This is what extensive therapy is for, at least in part. You probably need a combination of both therapy and different medication. Sort these things out before worrying too much about the ladies.
4844/r/relationships
4845/u/thedovelamenting
484612/09/2012, 14:02:12
4847Dump the cheat, dump your friend. Throw them clean out of your life. Obviously....
4848/r/relationships
4849/u/thedovelamenting
485012/09/2012, 14:00:05
4851Give her something to do. Either throw her out immediately unless she gets a job (and only then let her back in), or insperminate her. Preferably with twins. But seriously, this current state of affairs is obviously unacceptable.
4852/r/relationships
4853/u/thedovelamenting
485412/09/2012, 13:04:18
4855"Something is missing", "I'm not haapppyy", and "I lost the desire to be intimate with you" (read: I just don't want to fuck you anymore, ugh), is all code for "you haven't fed and tamed my hypergamy, you bastard". There's more to this than meets the eye. Read some Athol Kay, Roissy@Chateau Heartiste, and Rollo Tomassi, who between them will probably explain why this happened and how to stop it happening again (although I think it's unlikely you can get her back, or if you can you should consider whether or not that's actually good for you). 
4856
4857(I acknowledge I could be completely wrong and she's just a flake having an affair, but 99 times out of 100 a woman says this kind of stuff extreme Betaization has set in and killed her desire, and her hypergamy has taken over).
4858/r/relationships
4859/u/thedovelamenting
486005/09/2012, 16:04:31
4861Get out more. "We spend all our free time together" - I appreciate she doesn't have much free time, but it's a bad idea. Spend more time with your mates (if this sounds unappealing get some new ones), do more exercise (hiking/gym/sport/whatever), get a new hobby. Appreciate the virtues of outcome independence and stop vesting so much of your self-esteem in your relationship. Read some Roissy at Chateau Heartiste for shock therapy.
4862/r/relationships
4863/u/thedovelamenting
486405/09/2012, 15:16:19
4865You can put me down in the "she cheated so dump the bitch" category. There are so many cheating red flags here it's untrue. It sucks and really isn't very rational, but hypergamy doesn't care, so there's not much you can do about it. 
4866/r/relationships
4867/u/thedovelamenting
486804/09/2012, 13:01:33
4869You could pay lots of money for a really good hooker: at least that way you've actually done the mechanical deed, disposed of the albatross-like v-card, and won't have to worry about disappointing anyone. Explain to her that you have no idea what you're doing and if she's good she'll help out and point you in the right directions during the, ahem, process. Then plunge back into the dating game with confidence, knowing that you don't have to burden any girl with the "I'm a virgin" revelation.
4870
4871Or just go down the casual sex route, that works too. Although in some ways I actually think that a good hooker carries less emotional risk (for you).
4872/r/relationships
4873/u/thedovelamenting
487404/09/2012, 00:39:56
4875she sounds a bit nutty TBF. Find someone else who's a touch more stable and will love you properly and not fuck you around with this BS.
4876/r/relationships
4877/u/thedovelamenting
487802/09/2012, 19:59:36
4879In answer to your last sentence - yes.
4880/r/relationships
4881/u/thedovelamenting
488230/08/2012, 02:48:12
4883Jeez, I would dearly love to know who else runs extensive background checks - including interviews with your neighbours - for an internship. Must be something pretty cool if it's not an intelligence service or private military contractor, perhaps. Well, I guess that will always remain one of life's minor mysteries.
4884/r/ihaveissues
4885/u/thedovelamenting
488629/08/2012, 19:16:03
4887Are you in therapy? If not, why not?
4888/r/relationships
4889/u/thedovelamenting
489029/08/2012, 19:14:03
4891And if this internship does lead to a fledging career in intelligence, do you think that being arrested and subjected to a lengthy investigation wouldn't jeopardise that career? 
4892
4893You are not thinking clearly about this. At all. 
4894/r/relationships
4895/u/thedovelamenting
489629/08/2012, 19:08:26
4897<scratches head>
4898
4899It's a depressing world when even the intelligence agencies (or so I would guess) have resorted to hiring interns to do their boring jobs for free. 
4900
4901You should balance the risk of possibly losing this internship against the risk of winding up in jail for a long time if she files against you first. She is easily crazy enough to do so and even if the photos you have would eventually exculpate you a prolonged investigation would be far worse for your future than losing this one internship would.
4902/r/relationships
4903/u/thedovelamenting
490429/08/2012, 18:49:29
4905This is not just fucking issues, Jesus H Christ. He is being hit so badly he's bleeding out of his ear and can't go to work. I've been through a relationship with a BPD woman who was batshit crazy enough, abusive at times, but she never hit me. This is ten times worse. He needs to GTFO, she is not his problem and he should not be White Knighting for her. His future, his safety, maybe even his life are at stake - he really needs not to be worrying about whatever her "issues" are, because I happen to think his bleeding face is more of an issue here.
4906
4907EDIT: So no, "kudos" is not the right reaction to him wanting to stay with her: the right reaction is "you're co-dependent like mad you crazy fool, run the fuck away from her before something even worse happens". He needs a slap in the face, not an endorsement of his White Knighting. He cannot possibly fight the dragon of her insanity and should not attempt to try. All he's doing by not getting out is enabling her.
4908/r/relationships
4909/u/thedovelamenting
491029/08/2012, 17:33:05
4911Of course you're co-dependent, if you weren't you wouldn't still be in this relationship. Look up the word and figure out what it means, in the psychological sense as opposed to the practical.
4912/r/relationships
4913/u/thedovelamenting
491429/08/2012, 17:30:58
4915Wew, well at least that mitigates the risk of prison. Now you just have to figure out whether whatever reasons you have for staying with her are worth more beatings, more abuse, more psychological damage, and possibly mortal danger. My advice would be to listen to what every single person commenting here has said, is saying, and will say. 
4916
4917BTW do not have sex with her. For obvious reasons.
4918/r/relationships
4919/u/thedovelamenting
492029/08/2012, 16:51:42
4921Run like the wind, you fool: go to a police station, show your wounds, file charges. Get out of the house and never come back, never ever see her again unless it's in the courtroom. You need to go to the police because when you leave her (and you must, unless you want to wind up dead or worse), she is perfectly capable of injuring herself and then claiming that you did it. Who do you think the police/a jury will believe without prior evidence, you or her? You're the man and you will not be believed: you will go to jail and do serious time. 
4922
4923The consequences here are very, very serious if you do not handle this correctly. Fuck your conscience (oh, I did, I say conscience? I meant co-dependency). Your life is at stake here. Do you want to die? Spend 10 years in jail? Or get out of this hellish nightmare and find a better world out there? Your call.
4924/r/relationships
4925/u/thedovelamenting
492629/08/2012, 16:41:07
4927She's not really interested in poly, I would wager, she's just looking for an excuse to justify cheating on him and leaving him. He has every right to outright ignore her outrageous requests as well, 4.5 years into a supposedly monogamous relationship, which is what he signed up for. She has no right to change the terms unilaterally at this point.
4928
4929Poly is pretty amazing for many people (judging from happy triages I know of), but the virtues of the lifestyle or otherwise are not the issue here in the slightest. 
4930/r/relationships
4931/u/thedovelamenting
493229/08/2012, 15:57:25
4933She is probably retroactively trying to justify cheating on you (the famous Rationalization Hamster in action). At the very least she's having an emotional affair with another man, if not quite yet a physical one. Throw this woman out of your life and get yourself tested for STIs. There is absolutely nothing wrong with open relationships/non-monogamy but you can't force them upon your partner 4.5 years into a marriage! Such things need to be agreed at the start.
4934
4935Going forward into your new life once she's been disposed of, this is not a good sign.
4936
4937"she makes fun of my level of devotion sometimes..."
4938
4939The fact that she feels free to saying something like this without you reacting strongly at such blatant disrespect probably means that 1) you're not standing up for yourself enough in relationships and 2) you are probably showing too much devotion. In the end all it does is 1) get boring and 2) lead to you being held in contempt.
4940/r/relationships
4941/u/thedovelamenting
494229/08/2012, 15:44:34
4943"he's also made it quite clear that as far as she is concerned it will ruin her life and she will never get over it."
4944
4945This is emotional blackmail, which is completely unacceptable in any relationship. Frankly I would leave someone for this comment alone. 
4946
4947And no sex in two years? Jeeeesus H Christ. How much sex had you had with other girls before you two got together? Do you know what mindblowingly amazingly awesome sex feels like? Because she doesn't exactly sound like a Stoya-class bedroom girl, and if you don't, you're missing out big time. Once you've felt it it's pretty hard to let the feeling go, unless you have a really low libido.
4948
4949Your older friends are mostly full of shit. Yes, you can have a good LTR/marriage and still get laid like tile, and, almost as importantly, keep the passion and intimacy. In fact the former really really helps to keep the latter!
4950
4951Read some Athol Kay if you can and discover the joys of LTR game.
4952/r/relationships
4953/u/thedovelamenting
495429/08/2012, 15:41:35
4955Upvote upvote upvote. This!
4956/r/relationships
4957/u/thedovelamenting
495829/08/2012, 15:29:38
4959I wouldn't judge this guy too harshly: there but for the grace of god go I, frankly. It's a pretty tough spot; you're obviously supposed to feel one way and be the good guy but he clearly can't help feeling some emotions that he doesn't want to and knows he isn't supposed to have or express. The contradictions are obviously having some pretty bad effects and some therapy might help.
4960
4961Space and time sounds like a really good idea, so he can both sort his out head and maybe in the future look at you in a positive light rather than as part of his cycle of bad karma.
4962/r/relationships
4963/u/thedovelamenting
496429/08/2012, 14:09:10
4965Wow, you're doing something right....just keep being badass, but if you want a break from all the love push her out the door every now and then to see her friends. Easy game.
4966/r/DeadBedrooms
4967/u/thedovelamenting
496829/08/2012, 02:17:22
4969You're still young, that's the good news. You can divorce the cheat, should you so wish, and still find a good young woman who will love you devotedly and bear you more children should you so wish. But you'll have to change yourself in major ways for this to happen.
4970
4971Were you really a "a dick and a complete asshole", as you say? Or is that what she said?
4972
4973So yes, get some therapy. You have serious oneitis and major self-esteem issues. The good news is that these things are completely curable. If you do wind up divorcing you need to spend some serious time working on yourself before hitting the dating world so as to ensure this kind of thing doesn't happen again. Go back to MMSL and run the MAP slowly, piece by piece, so you become a better person. Then worry about women.
4974
4975Even if you do work on yourself while somehow keeping her on board, will you really be able to deal with the loss of trust, rage, and anger her infidelity will cause?
4976
4977/r/dating_advice
4978/u/thedovelamenting
497928/08/2012, 18:21:36
4980And if he is thinking over his replies, isn't that a good thing? Wouldn't you want a man who thinks before he says anything? In my experience it's a valuable quality in people.
4981/r/dating_advice
4982/u/thedovelamenting
498328/08/2012, 18:17:43
4984I don't understand this whole "weird time spaces" thing. At all. I reply to texts at "weird" times and often it's no more than "I'm busy with something else" or "I'm feeling lazy" or "I can't be bothered right now".
4985
4986His preference for a "real date" sounds reasonable to me too. Are you sure you're not overthinking this?
4987/r/relationships
4988/u/thedovelamenting
498928/08/2012, 18:15:20
4990Dump and get yourself tested for STIs, particularly if you had unprotected sex.
4991/r/DeadBedrooms
4992/u/thedovelamenting
499328/08/2012, 16:34:04
4994"I always make sure those around me are happy, and that's always my number one concern."
4995
4996This would be the problem. Not only does this attitude leave you being the one always being taken advantage of, in the long run it doesn't even benefit the people you're supposedly making happy. It's also the reason she doesn't find you attractive, I would guess (classic Betaization in action). Get thee to therapy, sir, you need to stop thinking like this.
4997
4998Yes, you have been/are being cheated on and your odds of getting her to mentally check back into the marriage are under 5 percent at best. If what CaptVere says doesn't work, DTMFA.
4999/r/relationships
5000/u/thedovelamenting
500126/08/2012, 00:27:44
5002Long term this situation is probably not going to get better and is going to make you unhappy and miserable. Find someone else: there are tons of good guys out there with roaring sex drives who will happily give you the quantity of fucking you require. Stick with him and you'll just feel more and more frustrated and probably wind up cheating out of sheer anger and horniness (tip: it won't make things better). Worse, you'll then be cast as the villain, something you don't really deserve as it doesn't really sound like he's making a genuine effort to meet your (entirely reasonable) needs.
5003
5004Standard disclaimers apply though: is it worth testing for low testosterone? Is he on any medication (some anti-depressants?) that could negatively influence his sex drive?
5005
5006/r/relationships
5007/u/thedovelamenting
500825/08/2012, 18:10:10
5009FWIW I will point out that this special moment is probably going to be special, yes, but it will almost be inevitably awkward, fumbling, possibly painful, and (for girls) nonorgasmic. It does get better, though.
5010
5011Virginity - or the lack of it - is no big deal either way for the most part, but I will point out that a very important skill in LTRs is being a skilled, proficient lover, and just like anything, being really good at sex takes hard work, thoughtful diligence, and lots and lots of practice.
5012/r/relationships
5013/u/thedovelamenting
501425/08/2012, 16:41:06
5015Nothing wrong with going out in search of new dick every night so long as you practice safe sex and don't put your health or safety at risk. If so, how is that not respecting your body - by respecting its power to give you and others pleasure?
5016
5017Is it OK, in your mind, for guys to go out every night in search of new pussy?
5018/r/relationships
5019/u/thedovelamenting
502025/08/2012, 16:30:29
5021I certainly like a girl whose had some good sexytimes in the past, knows what she likes, enjoys a good fucking. Does that count as liking sluts?
5022/r/relationships
5023/u/thedovelamenting
502425/08/2012, 15:54:34
5025That's fine and all. I'm not telling you what to think, jeez. I'm telling you what he's probably thinking based on your actions. If you tell him what you just told me, there might be less of a problem. If you have already told him this, that's something else altogether.
5026
5027And in most LTRs sex is maybe the second most important thing going, probably behind empathy. Different strokes for different folks though, I guess.
5028/r/relationships
5029/u/thedovelamenting
503025/08/2012, 15:40:30
5031Because when you tell your boyfriend, who you aren't having sex with, "I'm saving my virginity for that special someone", you're basically telling him you don't take him or your relationship with him very seriously at all. Obviously it makes him angry and insecure, hence his reaction. If you're together chastely for ten months he also knows he has basically no chance of ever being that special someone. Seems obvious...
5032/r/relationships
5033/u/thedovelamenting
503424/08/2012, 21:48:43
5035Great stuff!
5036/r/BreakUps
5037/u/thedovelamenting
503822/08/2012, 18:38:05
5039Oh yeah! This was awesome to read.
5040/r/BreakUps
5041/u/thedovelamenting
504222/08/2012, 16:36:07
5043Sounds like a good breakup decision then. In which case standard advice applies.
5044
5045Get new friends, new hobbies, get out there and live well. Living well is the easiest way to forget and best form of revenge should you feel so inclined. Right now, do you have family available? Times like this are what they're for :)
5046
5047Make sure you do manage to eat something even if it's not as much as usual. Get outside and go for walks, the longer the better. Don't listen to mopey breakup music. Remember there are lots of other guys around who will love you devotedly and won't prioritise drugs and drink in the way that this fella did. You'll find one in time.
5048
5049EDIT: and in future make sure you have your own friends that you don't share with your SO! 
5050/r/relationships
5051/u/thedovelamenting
505222/08/2012, 16:21:15
5053Not googled. Lived with. Same as you by the sound of it.
5054
5055Whatever she has, he does need to at least try to find out, I think. Not for her, for him. If he knows what it is, he can realise that it's not him causing the problems: that she will do this to whoever she's with. It will do wonders for his self-esteem and confidence - actual confirmation that he's not the crazy one here, which he is severely doubting. Quite apart from the fact that there are actual support groups out there, online and IRL, for people recovering from or living with experiences of this type, and a diagnosis (if possible) might be a good step to accessing those. 
5056/r/BreakUps
5057/u/thedovelamenting
505822/08/2012, 16:12:47
5059"as I feel like I'm always put second best to drugs and drink..."
5060
5061Can you give examples?
5062/r/relationships
5063/u/thedovelamenting
506422/08/2012, 16:01:01
5065I thought so too fella. I spent months and months trying to figure out what I was doing wrong. I tried to change myself too. Nothing worked. And then you start to realise...maybe it's not me after all....
5066
5067You aren't alone in living this experience, although mine wasn't quite as bad (and we weren't married!). The road is very well travelled.
5068/r/relationships
5069/u/thedovelamenting
507022/08/2012, 15:59:03
5071As above: I acknowledged this is just guesswork, though it does fit quite well. Obviously there are people with BPD who manage the condition fine, but this woman is a million miles away from that.
5072
5073OP does need to stop thinking in terms of "crazy", because that term is not helpful. When you're able to put behaviour into some kind of contextual framework it's much easier to think rationally about it. This woman is clearly sick in the head and if OP can get someone IRL to figure out which sickness it will help. The worst thing is not knowing WTF is going on.
5074
5075Oh, and he definitely has oneitis. A monkey could figure that one out....
5076
5077/r/relationships
5078/u/thedovelamenting
507922/08/2012, 15:53:18
5080Shit tests are almost never conscious.
5081
5082I've said I could be wrong, this is obviously just guesswork. It fits well though and BPD is the most common condition where this kind of behaviour is involved. OP will be relieved to learn, I think, that "crazy" might actually mean something else other than "bizarre behaviour that I can never possibly explain and have no idea why it happens".
5083/r/relationships
5084/u/thedovelamenting
508522/08/2012, 15:50:17
5086In all seriousness, given the fact of your existing depression, I give you no better than a 50/50 chance to surviving the next 5 years if you stay with her, and no better than 25/75 of living out the next ten. Do you really want to gamble against those odds? Do you like living? Do you know how much better you could live life, with a group of great friends who care for you (including female friends...), and a fine woman by your side who loves you devotedly, who respects you and talks over occasional problems civilly and calmly. Do you know that you could live life without near-daily dramas and explosions? Without the tears and the grief and heart-destroying pain? Without the huge swings (am I right about these, BTW?) that make you feel alternately amazing and then wretched? You can have a happy life of stability and joy. But you need to throw this woman out.
5087/r/relationships
5088/u/thedovelamenting
508922/08/2012, 15:45:27
5090You are not the problem here. You could be a raging asshole and her mad behaviour would still be unacceptable. I'm sure you need to change, but not in the direction you think, and whatever you do will have no impact on her. She will still take advantage of you every chance she gets, bullying you, tormenting you, ripping your ego and your soul to shreds.
5091
5092Oh, and she threatened to leave, did she? Sounds familiar. Would you be surprised to learn that whatever you said had nothing to do with her staying?
5093/r/relationships
5094/u/thedovelamenting
509522/08/2012, 15:37:31
5096Why not? Can you give me examples of where she doesn't fit the classic definitions of borderline? 
5097/r/relationships
5098/u/thedovelamenting
509922/08/2012, 15:32:43
5100Yes and no. There is some of that happening here no doubt, but actually she is just Batshit Crazy. This is no shit test. It's the space station of madness. Alpha Maleing up will not help here. He needs to get out. Relationship Game, great as it is, does not work on borderline disordered folk.
5101/r/relationships
5102/u/thedovelamenting
510322/08/2012, 15:28:53
5104It's called borderline personality disorder (that's her condition), probably tinged with a side-dose of narcissism. Read Randi Kreger's writings on the condition. Therapy for it is of dubious benefit, if any. Of course I can't be completely sure over the internet, but this level of irrational rage and fearfulness of losing you (jealousy) screams BPD, especially when coupled with this line: "she really just says that she feels a certain way about things and I need to respect that." I'm guessing some days you feel like she thinks you're the most amazing dude in the world, then other days you feel she thinks you're the lowest piece of scum ever? Right? Sounds like borderline to me.
5105
5106And you, sir, have oneitis, a condition mercifully less severe and very curable. Google it and start taking your life back.
5107/r/relationships
5108/u/thedovelamenting
510922/08/2012, 15:20:59
5110Oh, and don't just divorce her. Throw her out of your life forever. I recommend tomorrow if possible.
5111/r/relationships
5112/u/thedovelamenting
511322/08/2012, 15:19:33
5114Snap divorce and don't even think twice. Get your ass then into therapy and work on improving yourself, physically and mentally, as best you can, to give yourself the best chance of finding someone better and making a better life for yourself. Luckily you're still young enough to make terrible mistakes like this and have a second chance.
5115
5116She has a personality disorder and they're mostly incurable. If you stay with her your self-esteem will sink and lower and lower and lower. Your depression will get worse. Eventually there's a decent chance you'll wind up killing yourself. She won't care - she'll justify it to herself that it was all your fault, and that you deserved it. You want to die? No? Then get divorced.
5117
5118/r/BreakUps
5119/u/thedovelamenting
512022/08/2012, 15:03:24
5121Throw this person out of your life forever. Don't ever let him back in. This guy is grade A manipulative asshole material. Get some short-term therapy if possible. Get new friends, new hobbies, get out there and live well. That's easily the best format of revenge.
5122/r/relationships
5123/u/thedovelamenting
512422/08/2012, 13:22:16
5125With friends like this, who needs enemies?
5126
5127Just give her a good strong ultimatum: either she toes the line and stops this nonsense right away, respecting your boundaries - or you dropkick her backside out of your life.
5128
5129TBF she sounds nuts.
5130/r/relationships
5131/u/thedovelamenting
513222/08/2012, 11:43:41
5133Jeez. You need to get some friends of your own that aren't mutual, everyone needs their own support group in life. Find a new hobby (sport/gaming/knitting/whatever) and go from there.
5134
5135Secondly, you sound more like a caretaker than a partner. I've done that kind of relationship myself with a borderline personality disordered depressive ex-gf. It drove me to despair and near-suicide. This doesn't sound quite that bad, but in general such a relationship is not good for you or indeed her. You will eventually melt down from the stress and lack of support and she just keeps on being enabled to keep doing her shit. One day, after doing so much for her and continually getting so little back, you will feel worthless, about as valued as deformed ant. That, my friend, is a dark, dark place to be. Get out before you get there.
5136
5137This is pretty bad too:
5138
5139"And when she refers to these, and previous arguments, I am absolutely positive she chooses to remember the events in a different fashion to what actually transpired. This panicks me and makes me second guess everything I've said, I don't function too well in these situations.
5140If I do manage to remain in control of the debate, she bursts into tears, and insists I'm going to break up with her. I look after her until she settles down, and she insists she will fix whatever issue caused the argument, but nothing ever really changes."
5141
5142She sounds like a skilled manipulator and drama addict. If she's already making you second-guess yourself and feel insecure it's not going to get any better. You are being played here like Lang Lang does his thing on the piano, and her Rationalisation Hamster is clearly wildly out of control. 
5143
5144I don't know the close details of your housing situation, but as soon as you can, DTMFA. Maybe if she committed herself to a really new attitude - no more manipulation, no more "you'll leave me!" bullshit, taking responsibility for her life and her possessions, and a fuckton of therapy - maybe there would be something to salvage here, but as it is, you need to go far, far away, and find a better girl for you.
5145/r/relationships
5146/u/thedovelamenting
514722/08/2012, 11:19:08
5148That probably means the shrink is doing a solid job. I've never known anyone actually like their psychologist much even when the therapy is clearly working and the shrink is doing the right thing. She needs to keep at the therapy then and talk over stuff like this there. 
5149
5150Oh, and if she's insecure about her boobs, don't ignore them. Make them your special focus for licking and general play during sex, even if you don't say anything about them normally. During make-out sessions feel them up, bury your head down there. Actions speak louder than words.
5151/r/relationships
5152/u/thedovelamenting
515322/08/2012, 11:10:38
5154beep beep beep ABUSIVE ASSHOLE ALERT ABUSIVE ASSHOLE ALERT beep beep beep
5155
5156Your instincts are entirely right. She really needs to talk to someone, very seriously. That does not sound good. Try to impress upon her how worried you are and how much, for her own good, she should use whatever resources she has available to try to sort this out. School/college counselling services sound like a good place to start.
5157/r/relationships
5158/u/thedovelamenting
515922/08/2012, 11:02:27
5160She needs to talk someone (school counsellor?) about creepy dad, that's not OK and is probably not the first time either. Sounds very dubious to me. Could very easily be the top of a pretty deep rabbit hole...
5161
5162As for her ass, don't worry too much if you feel you can't compliment it. Talk about her cheekbones or something. And ultimately, so long as you still get to bend her over the bed and stick your dick between her buttcheeks while she thrashes around like crazy and moans like a pornstar, all's good, right?
5163/r/relationships
5164/u/thedovelamenting
516522/08/2012, 10:49:49
5166This is not cancer. I have known people in similar situations and they have got therapy, attended group counselling, whatever was necessary. They did so because they were good and ethical people who loved their partners and wanted to overcome their past and make their sex life better. You don't deserve this. This is morally the equivalent of someone who's bipolar or schizophrenic and who refuses to take their meds, to the inevitable detriment of everyone around them. Give him another six months and if he's not put himself on the road to sorting himself out just quietly leave. People with traumatic histories can make for great partners and lead wonderful lives, but not if they don't get the help they need of their own free will.
5167
5168EDIT: BTW even if the rape had not happened he would still need therapy to get over the abuse in his previous relationships. The fact that even after ending it he still went back for threesomes (essentially, to be his abusive ex's fucktoy) indicates some serious problems. And you say he almost finished a degree in psych? Well, I guess it's always hardest to see our own issues.
5169
5170Do not commit to anything with this person until he's getting some serious help.
5171/r/relationships
5172/u/thedovelamenting
517322/08/2012, 10:28:08
5174"Alright, Rawlinson, let's take a look at the crime scene".
5175
5176"Well Sir, the murder probably happened at about 2am, according to the medical people. From the blood trail the stabbing actually happened in the Friendzone Shopping Centre, but the victim actually somehow managed to stagger away to die here on these trash cans, opposite Rejection Tower."
5177
5178"And these lacerations here?"
5179
5180"Frenzied Desire, sir, coupled with the usual signs of Self-Loathing".
5181
5182"Hmm. That bulge in his trousers.... the victim still has a boner....well, Rawlinson, my mind is made up. The evidence seems clear enough".
5183
5184"Yes, Sir. I think we've got another case on our hands. The Oneitis killer has struck again".
5185/r/relationships
5186/u/thedovelamenting
518722/08/2012, 01:39:38
5188Cut the chord. Friends for ten years, dating for seven, and married for less than one? That's one hell of a lot of hurt and there's no way you or she can really cope. You won't admit it, but your "wanting to be friends" actually means wanting her back, so much is blatantly obvious. It's not going to happen and you'll only hurt yourself trying. Get the hell out of each other's lives for the foreseeable future.
5189
5190FWIW, such a relationship arch (very long dating period, super short marriage) usually means you got married with unresolved issues you both expected or hoped that marriage would solve. It doesn't. Don't make the same mistake again.
5191/r/relationships
5192/u/thedovelamenting
519321/08/2012, 21:51:22
5194Get out, get out, run for the hills.
5195/r/relationships
5196/u/thedovelamenting
519721/08/2012, 19:36:08
5198I can think of quite a few single guys who would be happy to date a stripper...
5199
5200"I know that 90% of strippers are manipulative liars"
5201
5202Where does this statistic come from?
5203
5204And how many non-strippers have fucked people who they knew were in relationships? Sure, this one might ethically dubious. I just question your assumption that someone is a terrible person just because they work in stripping/porn/whatever....
5205/r/relationships
5206/u/thedovelamenting
520721/08/2012, 19:25:49
5208Er, does she? I don't see that anywhere in the OP.
5209/r/relationships
5210/u/thedovelamenting
521121/08/2012, 19:20:24
5212I said "if", not saying that actually is what's happening here. Obviously porn-instead-of-sex is only a problem if it becomes a pattern...
5213/r/relationships
5214/u/thedovelamenting
521521/08/2012, 19:18:40
5216Thank you ;)
5217/r/relationships
5218/u/thedovelamenting
521921/08/2012, 19:12:12
5220Of course there's a difference between porn and sex, but at the same time if he's actively turning down the latter in favour of the former isn't there something of a problem there?
5221/r/relationships
5222/u/thedovelamenting
522321/08/2012, 19:07:17
5224She doesn't seem crazy to me, seems pretty cool. She's fine with whatever porn just so long as he's honest about it. Reasonable, no? Also not unreasonable to question why he wants to watch porn instead of fucking his gf - I do both very frequently (porn is often with my gf), but would never ever do porn over sex...
5225/r/relationships
5226/u/thedovelamenting
522721/08/2012, 19:05:06
5228Just make sure it's not just insanely amazing but that you know why it's insanely amazing. It can always be better. Take time to really learn each other's bodies and minds, every nerve, every muscle fiber, so you both know exactly what you can do to rock each other's worlds. Great sex is an art form, and like all art forms it requires practice and dedication to perfect. Talk about kinks, fetishes, fantasies, and every now and then try to bring them to life, even if for the most part your favourite flavour is vanilla. Sex is one of the most important things in LTRs and sex problems one of the primary reasons they fall apart. Fucking makes for bonding chemicals and some research even suggests your semen is actually chemically addictive (so make sure she gets lots).
5229
5230She sounds like quite a catch, so good luck and go for it. If you want a last minute checklist, though, go through http://marriedmansexlife.com/2010/03/10-critical-things-in-how-to-choose-a-wife/
5231
5232Though I disagree with Athol on the virginity or near-virginity thing, I actually think turning naughty girls into wives has great potential if you know what you're doing. 
5233/r/relationships
5234/u/thedovelamenting
523521/08/2012, 18:53:28
5236Strongly disagree with all the people saying "talk it out". You haven't been happy in this relationship for a very long time, and yes, you cheated, yada yada, cheating is wrong, you asshole, but seriously, if you get back together it is not getting any better for you, you just killed any hope of that. Break up and make it final.
5237
5238Next time around don't cheat when you're unhappy. Grow some balls, man up, and either break up or actually talk it over and get some help. 
5239/r/relationships
5240/u/thedovelamenting
524121/08/2012, 18:51:22
5242Downvoted for this BS about the stripper. You have no reason to be hating on this woman when this guy says nothing about her. Strippers are people too, jeez....
5243/r/relationships
5244/u/thedovelamenting
524521/08/2012, 18:41:42
5246WTF is this age gap BS, 8 years is nothing, in fact it's pretty much standard between married male/female couples, or used to be. 
5247
5248Wait until you get to six months of being together and just propose if you're sure. My dad proposed to my mother after 8 weeks of knowing each other. 20 something years later and six kids...
5249
5250Make sure your sex life is amazing first though, and that you are open and honest with each other about each other's sexual preferences. Nothing kills bonding and attraction like mediocre sex.
5251/r/relationships
5252/u/thedovelamenting
525321/08/2012, 18:26:55
5254Also, why no period sex? Can your body not handle it? Cuz as I guy I love period sex. All that blood....oooh, so raw and primal. 
5255/r/relationships
5256/u/thedovelamenting
525721/08/2012, 18:22:12
5258Low testosterone? Or possibly he has some secret kink he feels too embarrassed to share with you but can easily get porn for?
5259
5260Here's to hoping it's not scat ;)
5261/r/relationships
5262/u/thedovelamenting
526321/08/2012, 18:09:04
5264It's porn (or at least, I hope so). Just tell him so long as it's not kids or animals it's fine with you - assuming this is true, of course, otherwise you're making a rod for your own backside, and not in the good way. If so, then ask him for the password to his kink.com subscription because you want some of the action.
5265
5266If that doesn't make him chill the fuck out, then nothing will. If you're not cool with him watching porn then you probably need to find a new boyfriend (somewhere...), and if he keeps denying that it's porn you need to find out what it is. Had he cleared the browser history?
5267/r/dating_advice
5268/u/thedovelamenting
526921/08/2012, 17:53:25
5270You are making out heavily and have wound up on your bed together in some state of abandon. I don't think you really need too many more cues to start taking her pants off. I recommend just going for it. You are a young virile man and she is a fertile young woman signalling availability. At this point it is entirely expected and desired that your penis will make the short and sweet journey into her vagina.
5271
5272As for lots of sexual tension in the buildup I recommend big ten-second-kisses with plenty of tongue, love-bites (neck, arms, shoulders), playful slaps on the backside, licking her earlobes, and possibly the odd grope of her boobs depending on preference. If you have a good body then show it off (topless, fitted t-shirts) every chance you get. Demonstrate strength and youthful vigour when possible. Talking about sex is good too: when things are getting steamy ask her what her fantasies are, what turns her on. Has she been reading 50 Shades?
5273
5274She may (well, my gf did...) want one intermediate night of nudity/heavy petting before progressing onto actual PIV, in which case I recommend exploring her boobs and pussy with tongue as best you can, to whet her appetite. 
5275
5276
5277/r/dating_advice
5278/u/thedovelamenting
527921/08/2012, 17:20:07
5280<scratches head>
5281
5282If she doesn't think it proper for single guys and girls to spend time together without other people around, how on earth are you ever going to get her into bed? Do you have to propose marriage first? That seems like a really, really bad idea.
5283
5284TBF I would find someone more seduceable, Don Juan himself might struggle with this one. Let me know what you think...
5285/r/relationships
5286/u/thedovelamenting
528721/08/2012, 16:54:32
5288Fuck him if you want to but don't ever have a relationship with this person. He sounds like a right SOB.
5289/r/dating_advice
5290/u/thedovelamenting
529121/08/2012, 16:50:28
5292The next step is to have that funny old thing called sexual intercourse aka boning aka fucking aka getting laid. Worry about terminology afterwards.
5293/r/dating_advice
5294/u/thedovelamenting
529521/08/2012, 16:46:37
5296You sound like Nice Guy TM. Seriously, just tell her you want to date fairly soon after you get back in contact, none of this supposedly subtle nonsense. If she's into you her pussy will let you know in fairly short order. If not move on and stay friends if you like. Project the alpha and breathe confidence, power, testosterone, sex appeal. Easy game. 
5297
5298
5299
5300/r/dating_advice
5301/u/thedovelamenting
530221/08/2012, 16:38:14
5303Not unless you want to make your oneitis worse than it already is. Seriously, you barely know this person and she just doesn't seem that into you. Move on already.
5304/r/relationships
5305/u/thedovelamenting
530621/08/2012, 16:17:31
5307Lolz, this is just awful, you're letting your supposed GF just fuck another guy? And you're asking if you're being unreasonable by insisting that she doesn't? Her response is one of the most amazing examples of Rationalization Hamster ever.
5308
5309Seriously, you need a massive injection of Red Pill. Read some Athol Kay and other Red Pill relationship advice, maybe even Chateau Heartiste and Roissy's archives just for shock therapy value.
5310
5311Also, relationship breaks are not a thing. You are either together and working on your relationship or you are finished for good. Cut out the "being supportive" crap, you're just enabling her to fuck this dude while keeping you around as a backup plan in case he's an asshole.
5312/r/BreakUps
5313/u/thedovelamenting
531421/08/2012, 16:12:57
5315No, just find someone else. Sounds like you have serious oneitis for this girl, jeez. I hope she's amazing in bed or something because I honestly have no idea why you care so much.
5316/r/dating_advice
5317/u/thedovelamenting
531821/08/2012, 16:09:22
5319You should have gone with her on the first camping trip. 
5320
5321Leave it alone now though. Never run after London buses, or girls, because another three will be along in a minute.
5322/r/relationships
5323/u/thedovelamenting
532421/08/2012, 15:55:28
5325There is no alternative to trust, fella. If you won't take the leap of faith in life sometimes you will get nowhere. I do a lot of BDSM with my girlfriend and if she wanted to she could take her bruises to the police any day and get me into serious trouble. She won't, because she loves me and we have an amazing time together, but I still have no real guarantees. Is it worth trusting her? Yes, absolutely, without a second's thought. 
5326/r/relationships
5327/u/thedovelamenting
532821/08/2012, 15:40:14
5329I can't promise that the kids will be alright (god I hated that movie...) but I can safely guarantee that they'll be much happier with you than they will be if you stay with this control freak who is an asshole to them and heartlessly exploits your autistic son's vulnerabilities. You also have to consider the everyday instability they live with as a result of his bipolar and the terrible effect this can have. Add in hospitalization, suicide attempts - children should never be exposed to these things, it can do them great harm.
5330
5331Get y'all out of there and make a new life. You can always find someone better.
5332/r/relationships
5333/u/thedovelamenting
533421/08/2012, 15:30:49
5335Do you work? Who owns/pays rent for the place you live in now? Could you afford to rent somewhere on your own? Do you have parents or good friends who could help?
5336/r/relationships
5337/u/thedovelamenting
533821/08/2012, 15:24:42
5339How is this even a question? Do you think one person in their right mind would ever tell you to stay with this nutcase?
5340/r/relationships
5341/u/thedovelamenting
534221/08/2012, 15:19:23
5343Is this actually true or is he simply afraid of getting angry with you for fear that you'd blow up even more at him? Does he feel under pressure to be the calm guy? If so he might be more willing than you think to get mad and "go over the top" of whatever you're doing. He needs to be willing and able to call you out on your bullshit, and vice versa of course when he's the one who is full of it.
5344
5345Really, though, try to row less. There's this weird expectation that couples should fight but actually civil discussion works a lot better. If you wouldn't say something to, or use a certain tone with, a co-worker, PA, or friend, you you shouldn't say that thing, or use that tone with, your partner. That's not say your emotions are problematic, but that there might be better ways of expressing them.
5346/r/relationships
5347/u/thedovelamenting
534821/08/2012, 14:33:28
5349Try to remember in the heat of the moment, if you somehow can, that there are some things we do not say to our SOs no matter how angry we are. "You mother is a crack whore and your father smells of elderberry" is probably one, and "I don't want to be with you anymore" (unless you are seriously planning to leave in cold blood, and not just in anger) is definitely another. Long-term this is absolutely toxic to the relationship. How secure can he really feel, deep down, if you threaten to walk every month? Keep doing it and you will seriously fuck things up. Self-destructive is exactly the word.
5350
5351It will take a lot of mental effort but you'll just have to try. 
5352
5353Possibly also he needs to try getting angrier when you fight - it might be that his clamming up just spurs you on, looking for a response, and if you forcefully shut you down things wouldn't escalate so badly. Something to mention, maybe.
5354/r/relationships
5355/u/thedovelamenting
535621/08/2012, 14:11:32
5357Sounds good to me. A lot of your insecurities will resolve themselves through experience as you grow and advance to wisdom. Just living life helps a ton here. More short-term, get out there and meet some new pals, get some new hobbies if needed (sport, gaming, whatever). The more friends you have you feel confident around the more secure you'll feel in life as a whole. Some of the better PUA guys talk about "inner game" quite a bit, which it sounds like you need to work on - some of that material might help. Just be careful as elements of Game culture are truly toxic however, and I don't think you need to worry too much about finding a new girl right now anyway - just work on getting the right inner and outer qualities and the girls will come to you.
5358/r/relationships
5359/u/thedovelamenting
536021/08/2012, 13:54:12
5361On the fence on this one. Dumping her is fine but if you don't want to I think that's fair enough too, you have a lot invested in this relationship and I can understand why you'd want to give it another shot. I can also understand why you could forgive her for cheating. TBF a lot of people would. Your depression and libido issues are not the problem, the problem for her perspective was probably that you weren't doing anything about them, which showed her that you didn't care about the relationship and her sexual needs. Why did you never get tested for low testosterone? There are treatments that can help if you get tested and low T is confirmed, plus diet changes as well as working out more. 
5362
5363Become the guy that she would want to have an affair with. If you aren't in shape, get in shape. Get counselling for the depression. Work on seducing her back and falling in love again (more sex, ten-second-kisses, cuddles, eye-gazing). Work on your alpha game. Fake it til you make it can help here  - use your mind to do the performance and your body will respond, it's a virtuous self-feeding circle. Read some Athol Kay. 
5364
5365On the flip side, she needs to give you the information/access required to verify that she's not cheating again: phone logs, FB password, whatever. She cheated and this is probably the price she has to pay so you can feel some security again. 
5366
5367And if you do get counselling be very very careful if they want to put on meds. Some anti-depressants can just kill the desire to do anything, which would actually make things worse here. Get lots of second opinions.
5368/r/relationships
5369/u/thedovelamenting
537021/08/2012, 13:35:11
5371Depending on how you feel about her you could either just DTMFA, as Dan Savage would put it, or demand as a condition of staying with her that she kick this guy out of her life and give you all the access/information you would need to verify that she has done so and isn't relapsing.
5372
5373Frankly though I would just DTMFA. She lied to you and and messed you around pretty badly, and those are really hard things to overcome. You're not married, don't have kids, don't have any particular reason to invest much more in a relationship that probably isn't going to end well.
5374/r/relationships
5375/u/thedovelamenting
537621/08/2012, 13:23:50
5377Jeez...
5378
5379Um, you will not remain friends with your ex, that much is clear. People rarely do particularly when the breakup is difficult, and it won't happen at all now that this...thing...has happened. Get her out of your life now, accept the reality, and spare yourself more prolonged agony. You really should not have had post-breakup sex with her.
5380
5381Your best friend sounds like a bit of a mess, really, although TBF so do you. The insecurities here are so numerous I could be here all day listing them all (clue: he's not the only one). Put it all in perspective. You're young and will find new girls and new friends. In the meantime work on your body and mind so as to boost your confidence and ego. Enjoy the rest of life - you probably have a lot to look forward to.
5382/r/relationships
5383/u/thedovelamenting
538421/08/2012, 13:13:38
5385Obviously crazy. Get restraining order or whatever is needed to get her out of your life.
5386/r/relationships
5387/u/thedovelamenting
538821/08/2012, 12:41:00
5389100 percent he knows you want to bone his wife and he is also 100 percent right. He's not going to play nice, particularly since his marriage is still quite young. He should actually just alpha-male your backside out of town and not be passive-aggressive, but whatever. If you want to do the right thing for your "friend" (quote marks because you obviously want more) then cut down on the contact a lot and give her space and time to let her marriage flourish.
5390/r/relationships
5391/u/thedovelamenting
539221/08/2012, 11:59:54
5393Run for the hills, seriously. She's either disinterested or batshit crazy - it doesn't really matter which, and I can't be bothered to figure it out. Find someone else.
5394/r/relationships
5395/u/thedovelamenting
539621/08/2012, 11:48:31
5397Just kiss her already and only worry about what could go wrong if it goes wrong. Then get back here. Until then, go for it and good luck.
5398
5399/r/relationships
5400/u/thedovelamenting
540121/08/2012, 11:34:40
5402No particular reason for her to be remorseful but also no particular reason for her to do it again. Just make it clear calmly that you are not comfortable with this sort of thing and it's one of your boundaries in a relationship. We all have these boundaries and they're never entirely rational. She shouldn't exactly find it a great burden to comply with this fairly minor request. But if she didn't know that before this incident that you wouldn't like it there's no reason for her to feel bad.
5403/r/relationships
5404/u/thedovelamenting
540521/08/2012, 10:57:01
5406Have sex and lots of it (at least 3/4 times per week) plenty of big lip-locking ten-second-kisses (2/3 per day, at least one in public) as much starry-eyed gazing into each other's eyes as possible. Some people think you need to bond before this stuff happens. In reality, as any teenager will tell you, all that sexual activity and lovey-doveyness promotes bonding and happiness. Apparently there's something chemical to it. 
5407
5408Counselling sounds pretty bad to be honest. Statistically marriage counselling has an awful success rate and tends to focus on the problems a lot. In reality it sounds like you have a fine life and your husband is a great guy - it's just the connection between you that needs working on. Go get it back. Tell him you feel this way specifically and these are the solutions you would like to look at. If more sex and general physicality is high on the list I guarantee he'll respond positively. Get Athol Kay's book as well, both for yourself and for him. I'm sure there's something there that will help....
5409
5410Good luck and keep trying. You have every reason to want to make it work. Enjoy!
5411
5412(also Ian Ironwood's blog is quite good, specifically some of the posts about how you don't want your Husband all the time, sometimes you want your Boyfriend).