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19Transcripts, Transcripts of 2007 Angry Video Game Nerd episodes
20Transcript of AVGN episode Sega 32X
21EDIT
22 
23COMMENTS (5)
24 
25SHARE
26440363
27The Nerd gets chased by a Sega 32X in the title card for the episode.
28
29Sega 32X - Angry Video Game Nerd - Episode 26
30Sega 32X - Angry Video Game Nerd - Episode 26
31
32The Nerd: The Sega CD had its place in history. I mean, don't get me wrong, it's a piece of shit. But it had a certain appeal. The 32X is the real deal. It sucks. Oh, God, it sucks.
33
34The Nerd: You plop it on the top of the Genesis, like they're mating. God, I mean, do you think that's enough add-ons? It doesn't even look aesthetically presentable. I mean, it's just like an ugly tumor. I mean, did they really need all this bullshit leeching on the Genesis? That poor Genesis is just thinking: "Oh, please, God, take this shit off me." It's like getting gang-raped. Both of its slots are getting fucked at the same time.
35
36The Nerd: And picture this. If it was a Model 1 Genesis, it would have been even more of a spectacular mess. And there's metal prongs you have to insert into its... slot. And there's something wrong here. This whole thing is just a mountain of cockadookie. (mountain of bullshit appears) So, what does the 32X do? Well, it's compatible with all your 16-bit Genesis games, but it also has its own library of 32-bit games.
37
38The Nerd: Oh, you gotta love this - no end labels on the cartridges. May I ask why? Here's the Genesis games. You can read them. You can see what they are. If I'm trying to pick out a game, I can just visually scan my eyeballs across them without having to this. (taking out games one at a time) Oh, what's this? Oh, Virtua Fighter. What's this? Oh, Star Wars. What's this? Primal Rage. The same thing as Atari. Labeled, not labeled. Labeled, not labeled. Labeled, labeled.. and not labeled. Even Nintendo's guilty of the same thing. If you labeled the older games, why can't you do the same with the newer ones? Who came along and said "Okay, we're going to have better graphics, better games, and, oh, those end labels gotta go."? When did this idea of simple convenience become obsolete?
39
40The Nerd: Now, about the 32X, hooking up this bastard is just insane. Believe it or not, like the Sega CD, it has its own fuckin' power adapter. That's great. I mean, now you got three. And trying to hook them all up at the same time is a friggin' nightmare. Let's look at the most minimum amount of effort it could possibly take. So, I'm plugging it into the TV, and now, I obviously can't plug in all three of these things. So, here's the most basic power strip you can get. Every big store sells these things. These are common. So, I plug in my fucking power strip or whatever. Here goes the Genesis, the Sega CD, and... bullshit. What a load of fucking bullshit. How did they fuck this up so bad? I can't even turn it the other way because it doesn't fit. Why can I only plug in two power adapters? Why can't these go sideways? Or, better yet, why the Hell do they have these box things? Why can't it just be like this? (a simple plug) Even the Atari 5200 with its huge-ass box, it still ends with a normal plug. You know, that really pisses me off. I-I even have a camera, which I just bought this year, and it has a box like that. We live in the year 2007, and they can't figure out that shit like that takes up too much room?! These fucking things should be banned! Have these! (the plugs) Not these! (the boxes)
41
42The Nerd: So, anyway, let's fire this monster up and play some Primal Rage.
43
44(The Nerd inserts the game cartridge into the 32X. But when the game starts, nothing is visible on the title screen except the background.) 
45
46The Nerd: (sarcastically) Great title screen, huh? There isn't even any title at all. (cuts to the character select menu, where once again no characters are visible) What is this? Wh-wait a minute. Oh, please, God, tell me what's going on. Why can't I see the characters? I'm playing Invisible Primal Rage! Alright, let's try Virtua Fighter.
47
48(cut to a fight in Virtua Fighter, only this time both the characters and arena are invisible!)
49
50The Nerd: What the fuck?! Guess what? We left something out. There's another cable which connects the Genesis to the 32X. Isn't it enough that the damn thing is inserted on to the top of the Genesis? Why does it need another connector? Look at this. It's a fuckin' mess. And what a perfect visual analogy. Sega invented the 32X to increase the lifespan of the Genesis, and that's exactly what the friggin' thing looks like. It's on life support.
51
52The Nerd: So there's Primal Rage, which to my recollection looks nowhere near as good as the arcade. In fact, I'm not even sure how much better it looks in the Genesis version. You got all the moves, the farting, the puking, the pissing, which I can't do, so if you want to try that out, be my guest. I mean, that's what I hate about this game: the moves, they're so awkward. Especially the fatality moves. I mean, just forget about them. It's always something like, "Hold these three buttons and then tap some weird combination on the control pad." I don't know why they make any moves that require you to hit Up, because, you know what happens? You jump. I'm sorry, but when I have to download a move list and remember all kinds of combinations of buttons, that just ruins the game for me.
53
54The Nerd: Then you got Doom, which is one of my all-time favorites, but the music sounds like shit. (music plays) Compare it to the Super Nintendo version. (Comparisons between the Super Nintendo and Sega 32X versions begin, with the SNES version sounding better. Tracks: At Doom's Gate, The Imp's Song, Kitchen Ace (And Taking Names), and Intermission from DOOM.) Also, the Super Nintendo version has more levels. The only thing it lacks are the graphics, they're horrible. On the 32X they’re better, but my point is, everything should be better.
55
56The Nerd: Now, you got Virtua Fighter. It was one of the first 3D fighting games, and it sure looks like it. I really hate how every time you jump it's like you're on the moon. God! The control sucks. And the characters act like they have problems. (Victory grunts from Wolf Hawkfield and Jacky Bryant, then the Nerd parodies Jeffry McWild's and Pai-Chan's.) (OOOOHHHH!!) (YEAH!!!)
57
58(Nerd version) (YEEEEAAAAHHH!!!!) (WOOAAHH!!!!)
59
60(Mixes them) (YE- YE- YE- YEEEEAAAHHH!!!!)
61
62(Fast motion) (WO- WO- WO- WOOAAHH!!!!)
63
64The Nerd: Now, we got Star Wars. Yeah, it's an arcade classic, but I don't know about this one. I mean, the graphics are... balls. Everything looks like a polygon and it's... putting me to sleep.
65
66The Nerd: Like my Sega CD video, keep in mind I'm limited to how many games I can review. I'm aware that I'm leaving out popular ones such as Snatcher on the Sega CD and Knuckles' Chaotix on the 32X. But remember, if I don't have the game, I can't review it. It doesn't matter anyway, because I wanted to focus on the console itself. The bottom line, the 32X sucked and it was one of the biggest failures of all time, and to celebrate their failure, or just for shits and giggles, they released a few CD-32X games, which required both the 32X and the Sega CD. So, if you happened to own this pile of vomit and this piece of shit, you can mix the two together.
67
68The Nerd: So, you can clearly see the 32X was just not worth it, and gamers were too smart to be suckered in because they know this piece of junk would be abandoned shortly because the Sega Saturn was on its way. Hell, it was already out in Japan, so nobody gave two fucks about this beast. It cost about $150 when it first came out, (green words "150 BUCKS?!") and the only people who bought it, they had mechanical problems. (green word "MALFUNCTIONS?!") So, on top of that, there were rumors that it could damage your Genesis games, (green words "FUCKS UP GAMES?!") and I don't even know if that was true or not.
69
70The Nerd: The Sega Saturn was released in the U.S. about 6 months later. Only about 40 games (green words "NOT MANY GAMES?!") or maybe less came out for the 32X before it bit the dust! I mean, what kind of marketing was that?! WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?! And on top of that, Sega had yet another console planned in between called the Neptune, which was scrapped pretty quickly. All it was going to be was a stand-alone 32X, anyway. WHICH IS WHAT IT SHOULD HAVE FUCKIN' BEEN IN THE FIRST PLACE!
71
72The Nerd: So, not only was the Saturn on the way, but so was the PlayStation and the Nintendo 64. Gamers knew it was a better idea to just wait, and stores were selling the 32X for about $20. (green words "20 BUCKS?!") I got mine at a flea market for $2.50. (green number "$2.50") I'M DEAD FUCKIN' SERIOUS.
73
74The Nerd: Now, excuse me, I gotta send this fucking shit back to the fires of Hell. ("Super C" Level 1 music plays while the Sega 32X is on a container with a flaming cord in it, sitting on a milk crate. The Nerd shoots an arrow at the Sega 32X, which triggers the fluid in container to catch fire and inundate the 32X with fire, melting it and the milk crate.)
75
76Categories:
77TranscriptsTranscripts of 2007 Angry Video Game Nerd episodes
78Community content is available under CC-BY-SA unless otherwise noted.
79Recent Wiki Activity
80Mike Matei
81Gokucock • 2 days ago
82List of Angry Video Game Nerd Adventures Hazards and Enemies
83Prabowo Muhammad • 4 days ago
84Transcript of AVGN Episode Universal Studios Theme Parks Adventure
85FrankRTWiw • 4 days ago
86James & Mike Mondays
87HorrorFan01 • 4 days ago
88
89
90
91
92
93Help us grow Angry Video Game Nerd Wiki!
94GET STARTED
95Popular Pages
96
97The Angry Video Game Nerd (character)
98
99List of Angry Video Game Nerd episodes
100
101
102Nostalgia Critic
103
104
105Mike Matei
106
107
108Kyle Justin
109
110EXPLORE PROPERTIES
111Fandom
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116FOLLOW US
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135D&D Beyond
136Angry Video Game Nerd Wiki is a FANDOM Movies Community.
137Follow Fandom Wikis on TwitterJokeyPsychEndgameHonestGalaxyQuest
138
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140
141~~~~~
142
143
144GAMES
145MOVIES
146TV
147VIDEO
148WIKIS
149Explore Wikis
150Community Central
151START A WIKI
152Search
153START A WIKI
154Angry Video Game Nerd Wiki
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157PAGES
158ADD NEW PAGE
159POPULAR PAGES
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164Transcripts, Transcripts of 2007 Angry Video Game Nerd episodes
165Transcript of AVGN episode Sega CD
166EDIT
167 
168COMMENTS (8)
169 
170SHARE
171EFEB0559-692A-4AC5-936D-32BB8C3951B9
172Sega CD - Angry Video Game Nerd - Episode 25
173Sega CD - Angry Video Game Nerd - Episode 25
174
175Kyle: (singing the full theme song)♪ He's gonna take you back to the past ♪
176
177♪ To play the shitty games that suck ass ♪
178
179♪ He'd rather have a buffalo ♪
180
181♪ Take a diarrhea dump in his ear ♪
182
183♪ He'd rather eat the rotten asshole ♪
184
185♪ Of a roadkill skunk and down it with beer ♪
186
187♪ He's the angriest gamer you've ever heard ♪
188
189♪ He's the Angry Nintendo Nerd ♪
190
191♪ ​He's the Angry Atari Sega Nerd ♪
192
193♪ He's the Angry Video Game Nerd ♪
194
195♪ When you turn on your TV ♪
196
197♪ Make sure it's tuned to channel 3 ♪
198
199♪ He's got a nerdy shirt ♪
200
201♪ And a pocket pouch ♪
202
203♪ Although I've never seen him write anything down ♪
204
205♪ He's got a Power Glove ♪
206
207♪ And a filthy mouth ♪
208
209♪ Armed with his Zapper, he will tear these games down ♪
210
211♪ He's the angriest gamer you've ever heard ♪
212
213♪ He's the Angry Nintendo Nerd ♪
214
215♪ He's the Angry Atari Sega Nerd ♪
216
217♪ He's the Angry Video Game Nerd ♪
218
219♪ He plays the worst games of all time ♪
220
221♪ Horrible abominations of mankind ♪
222
223♪ They make him so mad he could spit ♪
224
225♪ Or say "Cowabunga" ♪
226
227Kyle and the Nerd: ♪ "Cowa-fuckin' piece of dog shit!" ♪
228
229♪ They rip you off and don't care one bit ♪
230
231♪ But this Nerd, he doesn't forget it ♪
232
233♪ Why can't a Turtle swim? ♪
234
235♪​ Why can't I land the plane? ♪
236
237♪ They got a quick buck for this shitload of fuck ♪
238
239♪ ​The characters' names are wrong ♪
240
241♪ Why's that password so long? ♪
242
243♪ Why don't the weapons do anything? ♪
244
245♪ He's the angriest gamer you've ever heard ♪
246
247♪ The games suck so bad, he makes up his own words ♪
248
249♪ He's the angriest most pissed off gaming Nerd ♪
250
251♪ He's the Angry Atari, Amiga, CD-i, Colecovision, Intellivision, Sega, Neo-Geo, TurboGrafx-16, Odyssey, 3DO, Commodore, Nintendo Nerd ♪
252
253♪ He's the Angry...Video Game...Nerd ♪
254
255(The Nerd plays games quietly, then suddenly the TV begins talking, reenacting the commercial for the Sega CD.)
256
257Gangster Nerd: HEY! You still don't own a Sega CD?
258
259The Nerd: Hmm?
260
261Gangster Nerd: What are you waiting for, Nintendo to make one?
262
263The Nerd: Uh, yeah-huh!
264
265Gangster Nerd: You have seen the games, right?
266
267The Nerd: Uhhh...
268
269Gangster Nerd: Wrong answer, man. Show him.
270
271(footage of various Sega CD games show up rapidly, intercutting with the Nerd exclaiming throughout..)
272
273The Nerd: (sighs) Wow. It's like you get to play the games on a CD! Check out the graphics! Full motion video, opposed to video that isn't full motion! 64 simultaneous colors! 12.5 MHz processor! Holy shit! This thing is total FUCKIN' GARBAGE! How would you like it if I conduct the rest of the video like this? (Screen becomes smaller and the video choppier, like the Sega CD's "FMV.") "Full motion video", my ass! I'd rather be full fuckin' screen!
274
275(Sega CD startup music starts playing)
276
277The Nerd: So this is the Sega CD. It's a load of ass. You just pop it in the side of the Genesis, like some deformed Siamese twin or somethin'. You ever see Basket Case? Oh, whatever. So you put the fuckin' game in, and oh, guess what? It runs off of its own power adaptor. Yeah, that's two. One for the Genesis and one for the Sega CD. If it can't run off the same power, why couldn't it just be its own independent system? Instead it's like a fuckin' parasite or somethin'. Then there's this problem: the load time. Load of shit! You could go dump your ass in the time it takes. So if you're gonna play the Sega CD, grab a beer and be patient.
278
279(Ground Zero: Texas begins)
280
281The Nerd: So this is what a typical Sega CD game looks like. This one's called Ground Zero: Texas.
282
283Reese: ...American system. Four particle beam disrupters with limited...
284
285The Nerd: (sarcastically) Great game, huh? It's not even like playing a game. It's like watching a movie. A bad movie. So every once in a while, you get to shoot people behind haystacks. All you do is just drag your crosshairs across the screen and try to kill things.
286
287Reese: Let's see some firepower or I am personally gonna call headquarters and find out what hole they dug you out of!
288
289The Nerd: The hole in your ass. Now we got Slam City.
290
291Fingers: You want some of this? You got it.
292
293The Nerd: Okay, I really don't know what I'm doing.
294
295Boy 1: Yo! Crush 'em like a walnut.
296
297Boy 2: And sprinkle him on a salad.
298
299Both: And pour some dressin' on the boy!
300
301The Nerd: What are they saying?
302
303Mad Dog: Ooh! Ace must have on ankle weights! (Laughing)
304
305The Nerd: Okay. Now we got Double Switch.
306
307Eddie: Hey.
308
309The Nerd: Hey.
310
311Eddie: Hi.
312
313The Nerd: Hi.
314
315Eddie: My name is Eddie.
316
317The Nerd: Hi, Eddie.
318
319Eddie: I need your help. This is my building. And since the neighborhood really sucks, I-
320
321The Nerd: Like this game sucks! So you're just switching different rooms and just, I-I don't know.
322
323(a pillow fight is shown)
324
325The Nerd: What the fuck am I watching?!
326
327(a lady screams loudly)
328
329The Nerd: God, shut up!
330
331The Nerd: This is Night Trap. This here is the cult classic of the Sega CD. The premise is that you're watching all these security cameras in this house, and you have to trap these weirdos in black. Why the Hell are they wobbling all around? Could they possibly overact anymore? And the traps are ridiculous. And everything that's occurring in this house happens in real time, so you're constantly switching around, tryin' to find these guys. (barely catches a bad guy on another camera) Fuck! Just missed him. See? That's what happens. The only way to get good at this game is to play it over and over and over. That's the only way to know where these guys are gonna be. Yeah, get the tennis racket. Strangely, this is the most amusing part of the game. So is this all you do? Just click around and try to catch these guys? Yes. Alright, this is what I'm talkin' about! I sometimes forget I'm playing a game. I think I'm watching a shitty horror movie. You got a scary guy in the shower, it's classic. Oh, she's in trouble. Uh-oh! (screaming in background) You know what? I'm supposed to save her, but that spoils the fun. (screaming stops, screen switches to Simms.)
332
333Simms: I don't believe what I just saw!
334
335The Nerd: I know, this game sucks! Now we got Corpse Killer. Unfortunately, I can't even show you much about this game, because it keeps freezing. I actually had a lot to say about this one, but right now, it's not fucking working. Corpse Killer, consider yourself lucky.  
336
337The Nerd: Time Gal. Okay, this one is really, really weird. All you have to do is hit the control pad in the right direction at the right moment, and if you're not fast enough, you die. Her voice is just annoying. 
338
339Reika: You can't catch me! You can't catch me! (Reika gets her ass handed to by the enemy)
340
341​The Nerd: (Lethal Enforcers) This one, there's not much to say. It's just shoot, shoot, shoot, reload, and shoot some more. There's some minor things that annoy me. Look in the background. This is the longest block in the world. And there's a lot of National Rubber Stamp Companies. How did they fit so many people in the car? Then there's this big-ass van! But now this time, there's only one guy in there! There's not even a driver! 
342
343The Nerd: Willy Beamish. Okay, in this game, you're a kid in detention. First, it's just like watching a cartoon for five minutes, then an arrow appears and you're like, "Oh my God! I get to do something?" So you just point and click at things.
344
345Willy Beamish: Man, I'm so bored, I can't stand it!
346
347The Nerd: I know I'm fuckin' bored. The teacher talks to you, and you come up with answers. Should I say, "Oh, that was my frog, Horny."? The frog's name is "Horny"?
348
349The Nerd: Road Avenger. Alright, well, same concept as Time Gal. An icon appears on the screen telling you what to do and you have to act immediately by pushing right, left, turbo, or brake. If you're half a second late, you're dead. 
350
351The Nerd: (Jurassic Park) Well, this one can't be bad, right? Remember the Genesis game, running around tryin' to get away from dinosaurs? Well, this is nothing like that. It's just one of those point and click games. I don't know where I'm supposed to go, and I get so bored with it, I shut it off before I even get to a single dinosaur. I want some dinosaurs, damn it! 
352
353The Nerd: Prize Fighter. Reminds me of Raging Bull. I wait like eight minutes for the fight to start up, then what happens? I just get clobbered. I don't even know how to play this. I just tap buttons. But all I do is just swat past the guy. How do I hit him? Do I really care anyway? Nope.
354
355The Nerd: Now we got Sol-Feace. More like Sol-Feces! Well, holy shit, I gotta be honest. It reminds me of R-Type or LifeForce, and that's pretty cool, so all I gotta say is, this one's not bad.
356
357The Nerd: The Terminator. This one's okay, too. I mean, there were some flaws. For example, the enemies are too strong, which is fine, but it's annoying when every single thing you try to blow up takes so much gunfire. Even when you're in the present time, there's no bad guys that die with one shot. And I understand when you're shootin' the Terminators; they're made of metal, but these are human beings. Another thing really annoying is how difficult it can be to shoot things sometimes. I can't stand still when I'm on the stairs. You can't aim your gun without moving all around. One thing I have to say, the music's awesome. Overall, this game's okay.
358
359The Nerd: There's also a lot of games which are just hard to comment on, like Sherlock Holmes. It's like one of those early CD-ROM games on the PCs. There's really no gameplay whatsoever. You're just clicking around on things and collecting clues. Kinda reminds me of Carmen Sandiego, but not as memorable. There's also a Dracula game, which is the same sort of thing. You just click on things and watch little movies here and there.
360
361The Nerd: Speakin' of Dracula, there's another one, Bram Stoker's Dracula. But this one is actually like a game. You're just goin' around, beating the shit outta animals. Yeah, punch 'em! Damn bats! UHN! Yeah! Fuckin' bitches! Kick 'em in the face, UHN! Fuckin' rats! So this game's pretty funny, but the control just sucks. Especially this part where you're tryin' to jump these rocks. Damn. (the character jumps on a rickety bridge, but falls through the bridge to his death) Oh, that was ridiculous! I landed right on that! Then there's all these movie scenes taken right from the movie Bram Stoker's Dracula. If I wanted to watch the movie, I'd watch the damn movie! (holds up the DVD case of Bram Stoker's Dracula and throws it down)
362
363The Nerd: Now we got... Wonder Dog. First you get this long cartoon. Some overly happy kid is walkin' with his dog, everything's fine. Then some guy shows up, takes the kid away, and then the dog goes inside his giant metal dick with balls, and he conveniently finds a costume, and becomes Wonder Dog. Now we actually get into the game... and, you're just shootin' stars at rabbits. Yeah, kill those fuckin' rabbits! Can't get up there! HUNH! GET UP THERE! Damn it!
364
365The Nerd: Maybe someday I'll review some of these games in greater detail, but for most of them, there's really not much to say. Like this one for example. Sewer Shark. For this game, all I have is a two word review: Shit Shark.
366
367The Nerd: The only real memorable game off the top of my head is Sonic CD, which is debatably the best Sonic game ever made. And it's definitely one of the most confusing ones, too. God. Oh, shit! I'm gonna be sick.
368
369The Nerd: Alright. (The Nerd puts the controller on top of the TV) The Sega CD, it was one of the first CD-based game systems of the time, so it was kinda fascinating when it came out. The problem was, it was too expensive, the technology was just too young; it just wasn't there yet, and, I don't know one person who had a Sega CD. And why's that? BECAUSE IT FUCKIN' SUC- (slows down) 'CAUSE IT FUCK- 'CAUSE IT FUCK- 'CAUSE IT FUCKIN' SUCKS!
370
371The Nerd: Think about it. In order to own a Sega CD, first you have to own the Genesis. And if that wasn't enough, Sega made another Genesis attachment, the 32X. Yes, this ugly mushroom-shaped piece of shit was the last effort from Sega to keep the Genesis alive to compete with its nemesis. Tune in next time, and I'll tell you all about it.
372
373Categories:
374TranscriptsTranscripts of 2007 Angry Video Game Nerd episodes
375Community content is available under CC-BY-SA unless otherwise noted.
376Recent Wiki Activity
377Mike Matei
378Gokucock • 2 days ago
379List of Angry Video Game Nerd Adventures Hazards and Enemies
380Prabowo Muhammad • 3 days ago
381Transcript of AVGN Episode Universal Studios Theme Parks Adventure
382FrankRTWiw • 3 days ago
383James & Mike Mondays
384HorrorFan01 • 3 days ago
385
386
387
388
389
390Help us grow Angry Video Game Nerd Wiki!
391GET STARTED
392Popular Pages
393
394The Angry Video Game Nerd (character)
395
396List of Angry Video Game Nerd episodes
397
398
399Nostalgia Critic
400
401
402Mike Matei
403
404
405Kyle Justin
406
407EXPLORE PROPERTIES
408Fandom
409Gamepedia
410D&D Beyond
411Muthead
412Futhead
413FOLLOW US
414OVERVIEW
415About
416Careers
417Press
418Contact
419Terms of Use
420Privacy Policy
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422Local Sitemap
423COMMUNITY
424Community Central
425Support
426Help
427ADVERTISE
428Media Kit
429Contact
430FANDOM APPS
431Take your favorite fandoms with you and never miss a beat.
432D&D Beyond
433Angry Video Game Nerd Wiki is a FANDOM Movies Community.
434Follow Fandom Wikis on TwitterJokeyPsychEndgameHonestGalaxyQuest
435
436~~~~
437
438
439GAMES
440MOVIES
441TV
442VIDEO
443WIKIS
444Search
445START A WIKI
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447Angry Video Game Nerd Wiki
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455in:
456Transcripts of 2008 Angry Video Game Nerd episodes, Transcripts
457Transcript of CD-i Part 1
458EDIT
459 
460COMMENTS (14)
461 
462SHARE
463(The Nerd is holding a stuffed Donkey Kong doll)
464
465The Nerd: This is one of the original stuffed Donkey Kongs from the early 1980s. Why does he have to have his hands like this?
466
467(The doll's left hand's fingers make an "O" while the right hand's fingers make an "L")
468
469The Nerd: Like, what's he tryin' to tell us? And look at his face, he knows it's funny. It's like "Hey! Hey you, you! Fuck you!" (Places the "L" hand into the "O" hand)
470
471AVGN CD-i Part I
472Title card for episode.
473
474CD-I (Part 1) Hotel Mario - Angry Video Game Nerd - Episode 59
475CD-I (Part 1) Hotel Mario - Angry Video Game Nerd - Episode 59
476
477(The Angry Video Game Nerd Theme plays)
478
479The Nerd: (in utter disgust) Oh-ho, boy. Let’s talk about the Philips CD-i. Now if you’re not familiar with the backstory, I’ll give ya a quick little run-down. Nintendo was working in conjunction with Philips to produce a CD-based add-on for the Super NES, which never came through. Now Nintendo was also working with Sony on the same concept, and we all know what came of that: the PlayStation. (The Nerd holds up the PlayStation with both hands.)
480
481The Nerd: But as for Philips, they too made their own game console, however they had permission to utilize some of the Nintendo franchises. Now what came of that was a shitty Mario game, ("Hotel Mario") and three shitty Zelda games: Link: The Faces of Evil, Zelda’s Adventure, and Zelda: The Wand of Gamelon... (The Nerd tries to open the awkward looking case for "Wand of Gamelon.") (awkwardly) Oh-kay...
482
483The Nerd: These games are notorious for their legendary ass-suckage, which is hard to believe. How could there exist a bad Zelda game, let alone three of 'em? And on a console that’s not Nintendo. Well, if you haven’t heard of 'em, you might think you’re livin' under a rock, but lemme tell ya: it’s a rock worth livin' under. (The Nerd drinks a bottle of Rolling Rock.)
484
485The Nerd: Before we begin, let’s talk about the console itself. To begin with, it barely fuckin' works. That’s a good start, right? I had to buy three. Yeah. Three CD-i's before I got one that’s functional. The first one wouldn’t read the discs. The second one right here had the same problems. I haven’t returned it yet just because I wanted to show you what it looks like.
486
487The Nerd: So then finally, I got this big beast. (The Nerd shows a gigantic CD-i console.) Look how huge it is. It looks like one of those old VCRs. It is the biggest video game console I’ve ever seen. Literally, you can fit two of these inside it. (The Nerd stacks the smaller CD-i console on top of the giant one) If you remember my Atari 5200 video where I commented how big it was, (cut to the CD-i and the Atari 5200 placed side-by-side) well, both consoles are ridiculously huge, but the CD-i (points to the CD-i) just barely wins.
488
489The Nerd: But does it work? Yes it does. But at first I thought the controller input was broken. I have four different controllers, and none of them worked, except for the wireless one which sucks so bad, it isn’t worth it. (He tosses the wireless controller away) Then I found out that there’s another input... on the back. So, the one on the front is either broken or intended for the second player. This means that every time I wanna swap a controller, I have to pull out the whole console. (The Nerd pulls out the CD-i console to swap controllers) (under his breath) Piece of dog shit. Fuckin'... inhumanity to man. Fuckin'... piece of shit! (normal voice) That is a pain in the ass. Why couldn’t both be on the front? Seriously, I couldn’t even imagine what they were thinking.
490
491The Nerd: Let’s talk about the controllers. One is your average, regular-ass controller. The next one looks like a spoon. I... really don’t understand it. And this one has this awkward joystick. It’s so stiff, it’s basically just a stick on top of a regular D-pad. Then ya have the wireless one. This is the standard controller that comes with the system. But as I’ve said, it’s terrible. Your finger keeps slipping off the joystick and the buttons are too close. Imagine if you were tryin' to play Nintendo 64 and all the buttons were clustered around the joystick. For your average point-and-click game, it’s okay, but for an action game like Zelda, it is nearly impossible to use this controller. It’s all worth it just to play such classics as Stickybear Reading, Lamb Chop’s Play-Along!, Sailing, and The Flowers of Robert Mapplethorpe... Yeah, it had its share of educational games, some action games, but, let’s cut the bullshit and get to the ones you wanna hear about.
492
493The Nerd: The Zelda games are pretty rare and kinda expensive. Zelda’s Adventure was over 180 U.S. dollars. ($186.25) Not counting the money I had refunded for the bad consoles, all this in total cost about 700 bucks ($700). I’ve been dying to do a CD-i review for a long time, and partly due to financial and technical difficulties, that’s what’s been holding me back. But before we get to the Zelda games, let’s start off with Hotel Mario. The price on this one, I gotta be honest, was zero ($0.00), because this one was a donation. Thanks, Casey! You might as well have sent me a turd wrapped in tinfoil.
494
495The Nerd: As the game begins, you get a ridiculous cutscene.
496
497Bowser: (chuckles evilly)
498
499Mario: Nice of the princess to invite us over for a picnic, eh Luigi?
500
501Luigi: I hope she made lotsa spaghetti!
502
503The Nerd: Reminds me of The Super Mario Bros. Super Show, but way more cheesy. The game is not what you’d expect. I mean, with a title like Hotel Mario, I guess I really didn’t know what to expect, but not this.
504
505The Nerd: All you do is run around and shut doors. Yeah. Seriously, the goal is to shut all the doors before the time runs out, then advance to the next stage. Couldn't they have come up with something better? Like how about kill all the Goombas and Koopa Troopas, but shut doors? As much fun as that sounds, it’s even more fun when the doors keep opening again. Just when you think you’re about to shut the last door and beat the level, another door opens, and by the time you run all the way over there, another one opens.
506
507The Nerd: Also, it seems that there’s always somebody in your way, like if I jump at the wrong time, I hit the Goomba on the top. (Mario dies) Even if I try to stomp an enemy, I end up bouncing up and getting my ass killed. (Mario dies) (Groans) Look here, I’m totally fucked. (Mario dies) Here I go, kickin' ass. (Mario defeats a bunch of enemies, then ends up dying) Fuck, gotta watch the doors.
508
509The Nerd: Speakin' of doors, you can actually hide in the doors, which helps out sometimes. But these things with the arrows? Let’s talk about them. They’re elevators, or they can be stairwells, whatever. Where the arrow points makes sense - they go up, they go down. But the controls takes some time to get used to. By instinct, if I see a down arrow, I press down, but that’s not how it works. You have to hit up, regardless of which elevator you’re on. And when you arrive at the other end, you’re in that hiding position, so you have to hit down to step out. So, often, you find yourself having to hit up on the down arrow, and when you go down to the up arrow you press down. That’s fuckin' confusing.
510
511Mario: Gotta be quick!
512
513The Nerd: And the elevators don’t always go where you expect. No, it takes me to the other side where I get killed by the fuckin' caterpillar! (Mario dies from touching the Wiggler)
514
515The Nerd: The game is actually more reminiscent of arcade games from the early ‘80s like Donkey Kong and Mario Bros. And for something like that, Hotel Mario actually isn’t too bad. It is challenging, I’ll give it that, but the fact is, this was not the early ‘80s; this was 1994, and it was a next-generation console. Originally, they planned to release a sequel to Super Mario World titled Super Mario’s Wacky Worlds, but it was cancelled, and what we got was this. ("Hotel Mario") End of story.
516
517The Nerd: Well all this CD-i stuff is a shit sandwich that’s too big for one mouthful. So check in for Part 2; we’re gonna look at the Zelda games.
518
519Categories:
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604Transcripts of 2008 Angry Video Game Nerd episodes, Transcripts
605Transcript of CD-i Part 2
606EDIT
607 
608COMMENTS (7)
609 
610SHARE
611(At the beginning of the video, a scene is shown of Omfak, a boss from “Zelda: The Wand of Gamelon”, exploding into a burst of gray birds)
612
613Zelda: Got ‘em!
614
615(The Nerd looks at the screen in utter horror.)
616
617639991
618Title card for episode.
619
620CD-I (Part 2) Zelda Wand of Gamelon - Angry Video Game Nerd - Episode 60
621CD-I (Part 2) Zelda Wand of Gamelon - Angry Video Game Nerd - Episode 60
622
623(The Nerd's theme song plays.)
624
625The Nerd: I have been dreading this day for a long time. It’s time to play the Zelda CD-i games. Now the first two, Link: The Faces of Evil and Zelda: [The] Wand of Gamelon, were both released on the same day: October 10, 1993. You can think of 'em as brother and sister game(s). I’m gonna try out Wand of Gamelon first.
626
627The Nerd: To begin with, I thought this might’ve been an interesting game, because ya actually play as Zelda. Y'know, the one who’s in the title of every Zelda game? (A selection of "Zelda" games are shown) Also it’s a side-scroller, much like in Zelda II: The Adventure of Link. I’ve always wondered why Nintendo never made any more Zelda games in this style. So going into this game, I couldn’t imagine how bad it would be. Link is seen only in these infamous cartoon cutscenes.
628
629Zelda: Link, go to Gamelon, and find my father.
630
631Link: Great! I can’t wait to bomb some Dodongos!
632
633The Nerd: God! Way more corny than the Link from the TV series. (The logo for the "Legend of Zelda" TV series is shown.) But these scenes are only the icing on the shitcake.
634
635Impa: (yawns) Alright, dear.
636
637The Nerd: The first thing I find kinda disappointing is the instruction manual. Countin' the English section, it’s only ten pages. All you get is a very brief storyline and bland descriptions. If ya look at the original Nintendo manual, look at how elaborate and colorful it is!
638
639The Nerd: Let’s talk about the controls. Regardless of which controller ya have, it seems the CD-i only uses two buttons. So to jump, ya have to press Up. Being that it’s a platform game and a lot of the jumps have to be done with perfect accuracy, it wears on your thumb real fast. And sometimes when I’m tryin' to press left or right, I end up jumping by accident.
640
641The Nerd: The first button is the sword. The second button is everything else: opening doors, bringing up the status screen, and using an item. It’s a fuckin' mess, and it causes nothing but problems. To bring up the status screen, you have to crouch down and hit the button. To begin with, that’s a pain in the ass. But if you’re in front of a door and push the button, you end up going through the door, regardless of whether you’re standing or crouching. So if you wanna bring up the status screen, you gotta stay away from the doors. Also, the status screen is the only way you can pause the game. Sometimes I forget or don’t realize I’m in front of a door, so I try to bring up the status screen and then I get up to take a piss only to realize that I’m in another room getting my ass handed to me! (Zelda gets hit by some enemies)
642
643The Nerd: The problem also works the other way around. If you’re tryin' to go in the door, you have to be certain that you’re standing right in the middle, or else ya end up using your item. I’ve wasted so many bombs just tryin' to go in the damn doors.
644
645The Nerd: And you wanna know what I fuckin' hate? To collect Rupees or anything, you have to stop and hit ‘em with your sword. And you can’t be standing in front of them either; you have to be in the right position. There’s no other way! You don’t have to do that in any other Zelda game! You see a Rupee, all you need to do is touch it. (Link picks up a Rupee.)
646
647The Nerd: But in this piece of shit, every single Rupee slows ya down. Most of the time I ignore them, but as it turns out, you NEED Rupees more than ever in this game! Many of the items that ya use take Rupees away when ya use them, and you constantly need to buy bombs, lantern oil and ropes. The bombs are for killing tough enemies and blowing your way into certain places ya need to go. (Zelda repeatedly throws bombs at a rock) Sometimes just to blow up one boulder, it takes ten bombs! Ya think that’s enough?!
648
649The Nerd: The lanterns are for lighting the dark areas, and let me tell ya, this game got really carried away with this. (Shows footage from the original "Zelda" game with Link going through a darkened dungeon.) It’s common in Zelda games that there’s always dark areas, usually in caves or dungeons in which ya need to light the way. But in this game, it seems every fuckin' place ya go it gets dark. Even in the treetops in broad daylight, it happens. And the lantern only lasts for a few seconds and then it goes dark again. Cut me a break! So you’re constantly switching back to the status screen to keep selecting the lantern oil. And when it runs out, being stuck in the dark is absolutely miserable. You can’t even see the fuckin' door to find your way back out!
650
651The Nerd: So, finding the door in the dark is a bitch, but other times the problem is tryin' to get your ass away from the door. Watch this situation. I go in the door, it’s dark. I need the lantern, so I crouch down and try to bring up the select screen, and I exit the door. What the fuck. So I go back in. This time I make more of an effort to step away from the door. I try the status screen again, and what happens? I go out the damn door. Again. So this time I go back in, I walk to the left, and finally I’m able to bring up the status screen and select the lantern.
652
653The Nerd: As the room illuminates, you can see how big that door was. Even if I know I’m about to step into a dark room and I select the lantern in advance, it still doesn’t make a difference because if I try to use the lantern while I’m touching the door, I’ll have the same problem. It would’ve really helped if all that shit didn’t have to be the same button.
654
655The Nerd: I know I’m digging deeper and deeper into the same topic, but it really is a continuous problem. It can even get ya killed! Say I go into a dark room. I step away from the door, and I fall. (Zelda dies, and a yellow arrow points to where she fell) How was I supposed to know there was a crevice there?! All because I can't use the lantern at the door! It's FUCKIN' BULLSHIT!
656
657The Nerd: But now that I’ve discussed all the problems with using the lantern in the dark rooms, let’s talk about the ropes. You use them for climbing all those tough-to-reach platforms. But why you can only use a rope one time makes no sense. Why does Zelda have to carry around 20 fuckin' ropes? Why can’t she use the same one?
658
659The Nerd: And if ya die, you go back to the beginning of the stage, so you’re constantly wasting your ropes. Lemme tell ya, there’s nothing more frustrating than making it to the end of the stage, then realizing you have no more ropes. So it’s back to the fuckin' store.
660
661The Nerd: But damn, I haven’t even started talkin' about how hard it is to maneuver. First of all, you can’t jump straight down. If you wanna go down, you have to keep following the walkway until you get to an area you can drop. This little blue guy? He’s too short to hit, and if I try to jump over him I end up back at the top. So I gotta keep walking side-to-side, just to go down.
662
663The Nerd: The graphics are so convoluted you can’t even tell where you can go. Look at this! What the fuck? I can’t go through! So I gotta go to the right, and then down, and then back to the left again. You just have to jump all around until you find which of the rocks you can land on. Alright, I found one right here, I just gotta... there we go. It’s hard to jump over gaps, even when it seems plain obvious. (Zelda dies by falling into the crevice) Oh, come ON! You gotta be kidding me!
664
665The Nerd: Sometimes a moving platform or crocodile will get in your way. (Zelda falls into the river and dies, and a yellow arrow points to the small gap in between the logs) What?! That little gap?! And sometimes if you jump on a platform, ya fall through! How in the holy mother of shit did I miss that branch?! It’s also strange to get people to talk, ya stab ‘em with your sword.
666
667Hungry Girl: I’d give anything for an Arpogos egg!
668
669Baker: My cakes will burn! (runs away)
670
671The Nerd: Just to hear stupid shit like that. It’s real annoying when you’re tryin' to fight enemies and there’s someone nearby, ya end up hitting 'em and making 'em talk!
672
673Impa: Oh, my-
674
675The Nerd: Constantly interrupting your fight.
676
677Impa: Oh, my-
678
679The Nerd: And why is everybody so twisted and scary?
680
681Fairy Dust Lady: Isn't it lovely? Bring some fairy dust and I’ll make it a magic cloak!
682
683(The Nerd flinches back from the screen)
684
685The Nerd: (uneasily) Wh-- Whoa, whoa...
686
687The Nerd: Attacking is awkward. It seems your sword never hits anything. Even if ya just keep swatting at the air, your enemies always seem to hit you first.
688
689The Nerd: You can only hit what’s directly in front of you, but it always seems enemies are comin' from high above you, or from too low. (He tries to kill ghosts that reach him from under the floor and animals that are in the floor, the latter dying at the same time as him.)
690
691The Nerd: I swear that more than half the enemies in this game are too short to hit. You always have to be at the precise altitude. Look at this! I can’t hit him below the branch, and I can’t hit him when I’m on the branch!
692
693The Nerd: How do I hit this thing?! (Grunts angrily) C'mon, you motherfucker, c'mon! (He finally kills the creature) Oh, man. Seriously, what is it with all these bats? All I’m tryin' to do is get outta the cave, but the bats keep on coming! (Zelda dies) Fuuuuuck!
694
695The Nerd: Then there’s this part where you walk into a room and there’s two assholes throwing spears. (Zelda dies) (Grunts) Gonna try again. If only I could get close enough...! (Zelda dies again) (Grunts angrily)
696
697The Nerd: As hard as it is to get close to your enemies, sometimes the problem is being too close. (A ghost chases Zelda and stays close to her, making it hard for her to kill it.) C’mon, you fuckin' piece of shit, GET OFF ME! And there’s no recovery time; they can drain all your energy in a second. (Zelda dies just by trying to escape from a Dodongo)
698
699The Nerd: Come on, jump over-- Fuck, I can’t believe that. And if you’re too close to the top of the screen, you can barely jump at all. (Zelda dies by being unable to jump over the tree creature on the top of the screen)
700
701The Nerd: Oh... my... God. Sometimes enemies don’t appear until you’re right next to them. (A knight suddenly appears and kills Zelda) Where the fuck did he come from? (A yellow arrow points towards the ceiling) Look, you can clearly see that nobody’s there, but as soon as I go up, BAM! I’m dead.
702
703Baker: It’s awful!
704
705The Nerd: But as difficult as it can be to slay the regular enemies, the boss battles are ridiculously easy if you know what weapon to use. They only take one hit! When ya kill 'em, you get these amusing cutscenes.
706
707(Zelda shoots a boss, Hectan, with her sword)
708
709Hectan: (while melting) You’ve killed me...!
710
711(Hectan exposes his heart)
712
713Zelda: (smugly) Good!
714
715(The Nerd laughs insanely while looking at the screen.)
716
717The Nerd: Good! (The Nerd laughs more insanely and gasps) You killed me! Good! (The Nerd laughs even more insanely and acts like a chicken, using his middle fingers for the wings) FUCK-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-FUCK-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-FUCK! Phew! Gotta calm down. (The Nerd drinks some Rolling Rock and inhales sharply.)
718
719The Nerd: Oh man, I’m goin' completely insane. But I can’t quit because I’m up to Ganon.
720
721Ganon: You dare bring light to my lair?! You must DIE!
722
723The Nerd: He looks like a joke. He makes the Ganon from the cartoon series look badass. And it’s very surreal comin' all this way to fight Ganon and then just throwin' the Wand of Gamelon at him. That’s it. One hit, he’s dead.
724
725Ganon: The chains! No! You haven’t seen the last of me!
726
727The Nerd: After you’ve killed him, they still have the nerve to have spikes falling from the ceiling. Wouldn’t that be a shame to kill Ganon, only to have a spike drop on your head? Then ya rescue the King and Link.
728
729Link: What happened?
730
731Zelda: (chuckles) Nothing Link. We were just about to have a feast.
732
733Link: Great!
734
735(The King and Zelda laugh)
736
737The Nerd: They all yuk it up, and everything’s fine.
738
739The Nerd: Well in conclusion, some might say that there are redeeming factors to this game. The music’s pretty cool, and the graphics are nice and colorful. Some might call it a mixed bag. But lemme tell ya what kinda mixed bag. It’s a trash bag that’s had a bad day. Like say your mom cleans out the cat litter. Fresh and stale doody pebbles go right in the bottom of the bag. And then your sister throws out her used tampons, and where do they go? In the same bag. And then your brother comes home, piss-ass drunk, just upchucks, pukes right into the bag!
740
741The Nerd: Now, I’m not tryin' to be disgusting, but that is a realistic situation, and what it all comes down to, that's a nasty bag! But I’d rather take that shit out to the garbage than deal with this piece of fuck! Fuck this game, get outta my face!
742
743(The Nerd tosses the game case)
744
745The Nerd: And you know what the worst part about it is? (He gets his bottle of Rolling Rock.) I still have two left! (He drinks the Rolling Rock.)
746
747See also
748Transcript of CD-i Part 1
749Transcript of CD-i Part 3
750Categories:
751Transcripts of 2008 Angry Video Game Nerd episodesTranscripts
752Community content is available under CC-BY-SA unless otherwise noted.
753Advertisement
754
755Recent Wiki Activity
756Mike Matei
757Gokucock • 2 days ago
758List of Angry Video Game Nerd Adventures Hazards and Enemies
759Prabowo Muhammad • 4 days ago
760Transcript of AVGN Episode Universal Studios Theme Parks Adventure
761FrankRTWiw • 4 days ago
762James & Mike Mondays
763HorrorFan01 • 4 days ago
764
765
766
767
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785
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842Transcripts of 2008 Angry Video Game Nerd episodes, Transcripts
843Transcript of CD-i Part 3
844EDIT
845 
846COMMENTS (14)
847 
848SHARE
849(At the beginning of the video, a scene is shown of Omfak, a boss from “Zelda: The Wand of Gamelon”, as his head transforms from that of a wolf, to a lion, and finally and strangely, to a large pair of lips.)
850
851Omfak: Whatever I see, (kills bird) I shall devour! (cooks and eats the dead bird like chicken) Mmmm!
852
853(The Nerd looks at the screen in utter horror and gasps quietly.)
854
855CD-I3
856Title card for episode.
857
858CD-I (Part 3) Faces of Evil Zelda's Adventure - Angry Video Game Nerd - Episode 61
859CD-I (Part 3) Faces of Evil Zelda's Adventure - Angry Video Game Nerd - Episode 61
860
861Link: The Faces of Evil
862The Nerd: It’s time to wrap up this CD-i shitfest. Let’s take a look at the two remaining Zelda games. First, Link: The Faces of Evil.
863
864The Nerd: All the same problems I addressed in Zelda: [The] Wand of Gamelon are present here, so there’s not much need to go into such detail again. It has the same style of gameplay and the same cheesy cutscenes.
865
866Harlequin: (snorts) Do ya know what it means when you lose your last Rupee?! (The Nerd's jaw drops in shock) Now you work for me! (snorts and turns a man into a rat minion) Take him away! (snorts)
867
868Fairy 1: You’re doing great, Link!
869
870Fairy 2: You're our hero.
871
872The Nerd: Man - those fairies really like Link. The only real difference with this game is that ya play as Link and this time you’re goin' to rescue Zelda, so the roles have been reversed. If you watch the demo, Link tells ya how to play the game.
873
874Link: Move the controller down, and I crouch. When I’m crouching, you can make me do the duck walk! Cool, huh?
875
876The Nerd: One difference is that ya have to collect snowballs and fireballs. There’s some enemies that can only be killed by either of these weapons, so it only adds more to your inventory that ya have to keep up with. So, even more so than the other game, you spend half the time collecting these items and collecting Rupees so that you can buy bombs, rope and lantern oil. And to top it off, there’s more weapons that drain your Rupees. Could this be any more tedious? And I hate collecting Rupees. Oh, come on, you can’t even get two at the same time?
877
878The Nerd: And the jumping is still a big problem. Come on, why can’t I get up there? Oh, your mother! Oh, you son of a bitch. Get up there! (Grunts angrily)
879
880(The Nerd looks at the screen, enraged.)
881
882The Nerd: It's time to start droppin' some F-bombs! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! (Zelda-esque, F-imprinted, fuse-lit bombs are launched out of his mouth and explode with every word.)
883
884The Nerd: Probably the worst example is right here. I’m tryin' to go in the door. Seems simple, right? But I can’t approach the door from any conceivable angle. If I’m below the door I can’t reach it, at least not without a rope. Too bad I had to use them all in order to get this far.
885
886The Nerd: I can’t approach it from the other side because the pillar’s blocking me. This is the part I really don’t understand. You can pass through the bottom of the pillar and you can pass through the two pillars before it, which look exactly the same. Why is it that I can’t go through this one fuckin' part?
887
888The Nerd: It seems the only way I can make it is to drop down from the top, but I can’t get back up there. I’m jumpin' everywhere; I obviously can’t go back up, which is ironically the way I came. All because I missed the jump, which is hard to begin with because you’re so close to the ceiling.
889
890The Nerd: I’m also prohibited from going to the left. Whether I’m on the top or the bottom floor, there’s a fuckin' piece of shit in the way. So, once ya fall down there, you’re stuck. This is a joke. They designed this part of the stage to be a trap. The only way to get out of this is to stand here and let the falling spikes kill ya. If it wasn’t for them, you’d have to reset the game and lose all your data.
891
892The Nerd: The darkness is still a huge issue. Look, my lantern oil ran out, so I can’t find my way back. So I’m really up Shit Creek without a paddle, and that means I’m paddling through the shit with my hands.
893
894The Nerd: Talkin' to people is still a strange ordeal. Why do ya have to shove a sword up their ass? Right up their ass.
895
896Link: Wow!
897
898The Nerd: You also use the sword to buy stuff. If the shop owner gets in your way, ya end up talking to him. Go away! I’m tryin' to buy bombs!
899
900Morshu: Lamp oil, rope-
901
902The Nerd: And here, once again I’m tryin' to fight, but I keep talkin' to this asshole!
903
904Gwonam: Through the eye of Glutko-
905
906The Nerd: Go away!
907
908Gwonam: Through the eye of Glutko-
909
910The Nerd: The enemies, once again, are a pain in the ass. Half of them are impossible to hit. Look at this! I’m tryin' to go down, but the fuckin' warthogs are in my way! This would be so simple if you could just jump down!
911
912Militron: Oh my goodness, this is awful!
913
914The Nerd: Another nuisance is that I can’t hit the Dodongos because the bombs just fly over ‘em. If I could duck and throw the bomb, maybe I could hit ‘em, but you can’t do that because it activates the status screen. Yeah. Ya have to be standing to use your items. And I hate these damn snakes; your timing has to be perfect.
915
916The Nerd: (Grunting angrily) Uhh, I hate these fuckin' bastards! But these gargoyle things are the worst. They take several hits to kill, and they NEVER STOP COMING. If you stay there and try to fight ‘em off, you’ll be there forever. I’m not kidding. It makes the most sense to just try and outrun ‘em. Alright Ganon, here I come.
917
918Ganon: Join me Link, and I will make your face the greatest in Koridai. Or else you will DIE!
919
920The Nerd: All I need is just one shot... with a book. Yeah, it’s a book this time. Just one hit... (Grunts angrily) (Link dies at the same time Ganon dies.) That doesn’t count?!
921
922Ganon: NO! NOT INTO THE PIT!
923
924The Nerd: I still get the dramatic death scene, but I’m back outside the castle. Fuck... So, I gotta go all the way though the castle again, and when I get there, thankfully Ganon’s still dead. Then ya gotta wake Zelda. (Link hits Zelda repeatedly with his sword) Come on! I’m here to rescue your royal ass, get the hell up! Wake the fuck up.
925
926(Link hits the gong)
927
928The Nerd: Oh, I get it.
929
930Link: I just saved ya from Ganon! I won!
931
932The Nerd: Nothing short of poetry.
933
934Zelda’s Adventure
935The Nerd: Let’s move on to the final piece of what’s known as the Unholy Triforce.
936
937(The Nerd opens the case for “Zelda’s Adventure”, then holds the disc above his head with both arms while a familiar "Zelda" fanfare is played.)
938
939The Nerd: Zelda’s Adventure was released the following year, in 1994. Unlike the other two, this one doesn’t have the cartoon cutscenes. Instead it’s digitized actors. Sometimes they don’t even move, they just cross-fade.
940
941Gaspra: And so I found this champion of strength and courage...
942
943The Nerd: As the title would suggest, it’s the only other game where ya play as Zelda, goin' to save Link’s ass once again. Ya have to find dungeons, where in each one you collect a piece of a stone... much like pieces of the Triforce in the original Zelda game. So this one follows the classic format a little more. Not to mention, it’s an overhead view. That means you don’t have to do stupid shit like push up to jump and crouch to bring up the inventory screen.
944
945The Nerd: You can also touch the Rupees and hearts without having to attack ‘em. Of course, ya do have to wait for them to touch the ground, which is confusing since it’s overhead. It’s better than the other two CD-i games, but not by a whole lot.
946
947The Nerd: The most constant annoying thing is waiting for the screen to load. Watch how long it takes.
948
949(The next screen takes about five seconds to load)
950
951The Nerd: (Groans) Uhh... And you’re probably thinkin', "Oh, it can’t do that every time." Oh yeah, it does.
952
953The Nerd: Imagine how long it takes ya to get anywhere. Look at the original Zelda; watch how quick it is. (The next screen takes only two seconds.) See? And that was on an old 8-bit console. Damn CD load time, look at this! (The screen slowly loads) That’s when ya grab your beer. (The Nerd begins drinking his beer as the screens slowly load on the TV screen)
954
955The Nerd: The next thing that’s really annoying is that somebody keeps talkin' to you.
956
957Shurmak's Voice: Zelda! Zelda! Do not roam unprotected.
958
959The Nerd: Oh, shut the fuck up!
960
961Shurmak's Voice: Look nearby for something to aid you.
962
963The Nerd: What - is Zelda hearing voices in her head? Crazy bitch. Unlike other Zelda games where the dialogue is all text, this one uses real bad voice acting.
964
965Woman: Sit a moment. It is said, "Those who go deep into the Earth learn to overcome the sins of greed."
966
967Sheepman: (gruffly) Hey, who goes there? Aren’t you an enemy of my boss, Llort? You can’t come in here.
968
969The Nerd: Even the sound effects aren’t appropriate. Why do the Vires have humanoid grunts?
970
971Vires: (grunts three times)
972
973The Nerd: And what the hell is that thing?
974
975Mushroom Creature: (weeping)
976
977The Nerd: WHAT IS THAT?!
978
979Mushroom Creature: Those Moblins out there are so slow and stupid!
980
981The Nerd: You don’t get very much music either. Just immerse yourself in the good ol’ outdoors. (Birdsong from the game.) I also find the ground very strange looking, almost like a satellite view. (A yellow arrow points to the green patches on the ground.) These would be trees, so, maybe Zelda’s a giant?
982
983The Nerd: Oh look, we got a ladder. Remember that from the original Zelda? Remember how to use it? You just walk right across. Let's see how easy it is here. You come to a gap, you gotta go to your menu... select the ladder, and then use it. You always have to select shit. Take this for example: in any good Zelda game, how do ya buy stuff? Like this.
984
985(Link walks up to the Green Potion to buy it.)
986
987The Nerd: That's easy, right? Here, you gotta stop, bring up the menu... select the Rupee... and there. What a bunch of fuck.
988
989Merchant: That was a wise purchase, young princess!
990
991The Nerd: And, I gotta say, the menu screen sucks. First of all, you can only hold one item. That includes the sword or a wand, whatever. In the other games you always have the sword and can select an additional item. Of course the CD-i doesn’t utilize as many buttons, so whenever ya need to use something, ya bring up the menu screen.
992
993The Nerd: And the other thing that really pisses me off is that ya have to scroll through the items; not by pressing left or right on the D-Pad, no, by moving the cursor to the left or right arrow and painstakingly clicking until ya see the item ya want. THAT... is bullshit. Why couldn’t they fit 'em all on the screen like the other games?!
994
995The Nerd: How 'bout the map screen? In any other Zelda game, you can bring up the map with the ease of a single button. That’s simple, right? Well here, the map screen is inside the item screen. Yeah, so, whenever ya wanna see the map, you have to bring up the item screen, select the map, look at the map, go back to the item screen, and finally back to the game.
996
997The Nerd: How about getting treasure? You think you'd just open it and there’d be nothing more to it than that. But no, the fuckin' treasure chest starts talkin' to you.
998
999Treasure Chest: Why, what a great event! Hoo-hoo!
1000
1001The Nerd: Then, it spits out the treasure, and the first time I didn’t even know what happened. Whatever happened to this?
1002
1003(Link just opens the chest with no problem in "A Link to the Past")
1004
1005The Nerd: How 'bout this shit? Somebody gives me an empty bottle and tells me to go fill it up at the source of the river. Why I can’t just go to any river bank, I don’t know, but anyway, I go to the source, which is this... fuckin' skull thing. I select the bottle, and then it doesn’t just fill up, it mysteriously disappears from Zelda’s hands and then reappears behind her to the left. What?
1006
1007The Nerd: You’re never even sure what the items are gonna do. I got a flute, and I was told to use it against a snake. So I use the flute, and what happens? It kills the snake, but not before freezing me, making me momentarily helpless while the snake nearly kills me! (sarcastically) Thanks!
1008
1009The Nerd: But one major problem I have is that the save function doesn’t seem to work. If I turn off the game, it erases all the data. That sucks.
1010
1011The Nerd: The overall design is horrendous. You can never tell where to go. See that dark area right there? That’s a cave, you’re supposed to go in there. But with all the random rock patterns, you'd think it was just part of the wall.
1012
1013The Nerd: And when I got to this part, I thought it was a hole in the floor, 'til I realized that it’s just part of the ceiling. Rarely does that even happen, and it occurs right after the part where ya need a ladder, so naturally, I thought it was a hole. Here, I’m just tryin' to go to the right, but somethin' apparently's blocking my path. What the fuck’s goin' on?
1014
1015The Nerd: Oh shit, I’m gonna die; get over there! I’m stuck! (Grunts angrily twice) Ugh, UGH! FUCK!
1016
1017(Zelda dies from the enemy while stuck to the wall)
1018
1019The Nerd: Even the dungeon maps aren’t consistent. See the white square? That’s where I am. But if I go up, it jumps me all the way up here. And it happens more than once; you just jump all over the map. In other Zelda games, there’s secret passageways that transport ya all around the dungeon. That makes sense. But here, when you’re just walking to the next screen and suddenly appear some place different on the map, it’s like "What the hell happened to this game?"
1020
1021The Nerd: I don’t believe this! (stuttering) Like, I-I seriously don’t believe this!
1022
1023(The Nerd starts drinking some more Rolling Rock beer.)
1024
1025The Nerd: That’s it, that’s all I can take. How could they fuck up Zelda this bad?! I-it’s not a Zelda game, I wouldn’t call it that. "Oh, but it is. It has Zelda in it, it has Link..." Yeah, y'know what, that’s a pointless argument right there. That’s like if your dad says "I fucked your mom." It’s like... like "I can’t argue with that!"
1026
1027The Nerd: You know, playing these games is as worthwhile as melting a dog turd in a frying pan! Yeah, put some buffalo puke and some cat piss all over it, and you have a shit sandwich that is Zelda CD-i. This game FUCKIN' SUCKS! (The Nerd tosses "Zelda: The Wand of Gamelon.") FUCKIN' SUCKS! (The Nerd tosses "Link: The Faces of Evil.") FUCKIN' SUCKS! (The Nerd tosses "Zelda’s Adventure.") Oh yeah, and the Mario game? That one sucks too! (The Nerd tosses "Hotel Mario" and grunts.) CD-I SUCKS! (The screen goes black as the Nerd tosses the CD-i console out the window and grunts.)
1028
1029(Then it shows Zelda CD-i cutscenes and game footage with the Nerd, who makes fart sounds in the background to the tune of the overworld theme from Zelda 1)
1030
1031See also
1032Transcript of CD-i Part 1
1033Transcript of CD-i Part 2
1034Categories:
1035Transcripts of 2008 Angry Video Game Nerd episodesTranscripts
1036Community content is available under CC-BY-SA unless otherwise noted.
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1132Atari Jaguar (Part 1) - Angry Video Game Nerd - Episode 65
1133Atari Jaguar (Part 1) - Angry Video Game Nerd - Episode 65
1134
1135Atari. Ah yes, a name so dearly loved from the golden age of history. A magical time when there was no Internet, no cell phones, just electronic video games.
1136
1137Okay, it was the dark ages, but life was simple. Atari was the prime innovator of video arcades, home computers, and home video game consoles. The Atari 2600 revolutionized the game industry, and made popular the use of changeable cartridges and plug-in controllers. The games were primitive and choppy, but back in those days, they were fascinating.
1138
1139But then there came competition. The Odyssey2, Intellivision, Colecovision, everyone was trying to take advantage of the video gaming craze. It wasn't like today where you have a choice of only three consoles. (Shows a picture of a Nintendo Wii, PlayStation 3 and Xbox 360 together.) Back then, there were so many fucking video game systems it made your head spin! Also, there was no way to know which games were good and which games were bad, so consumers were alienated by an overblown market. So Atari made another console, the 5200. It replaced the TV/game switch with an automatic switch box. It also tried to eliminate the use of wires by plugging in the AC adapter directly into the switch box. But that only made it more confusing. The controllers had a pause button, which was new at the time, but the joysticks were faulty and unreliable. What it all came down to, the 5200 was an oversized piece of shit. I made a whole video about it, that's how much that sucks.
1140
1141Following the video game crash of 1983 and '84, Nintendo and Sega would rise from the ashes, once again revolutionizing the market and ushering in a new generation of gaming. Atari threw their hat in the ring again with the 7800. This one resolved all the issues with the 5200. The controller ports allowed you to use the same controllers as the 2600, and it was also backwards-compatable with the 2600 games. The 7800 games featured better graphics, but didn't have much to offer in comparison with Nintendo. So, once again, it bit the dust.
1142
1143Afterwards, Atari stopped naming their consoles after numbers, and instead started naming them after cats. The Atari Lynx was the first handheld console that was in color, but it found itself sandwiched between the more successful portable game systems, the Nintendo Game Boy and the Sega Game Gear. Though the Lynx was cool, gamers found it to be a bit bulky, even with the Lynx II, the new design model. The Lynx I took more batteries and drained them faster than the Game Boy. Also, it didn't have the same third-party support as the others, so it lost again.
1144
1145Meanwhile, Nintendo and Sega were in steady competition. But whether anyone preferred the NES library of games or the Sega Genesis games was a matter of opinion. However, the debate among fans and Sega's marketing campaign came down to one simple fact: The Genesis was 16-bit, while the NES was only 8.
1146
1147This started a trend I like to call "The Bit Wars." Nobody ever talked about bits before then, and nobody ever talked about bits since, and what are bits anyway?! Nobody knew, they're just bits! Try explaining that to your parents. (Imitates a kid and his parents talking to each other) "Ooh, I want a Super Nintendo for Christmas!" "Don't you already have a Nintendo?" "Yeah, but this one's 16-bit!" "What's that?" "Er... I dunno!" Other than it meaning the graphics were better, that's all we cared about. But the Bit Wars brought our sense of gaming down to numbers. People began to care more about the graphics and less about the actual gameplay. It was to the point that some consoles even used the number of bits in their name, like the TurboGrafx-16 and the Nintendo 64.
1148
1149But in 1993, one console came along to remind us that bits aren't everything. It was the Atari Jaguar, and it was announced as the first 64-bit game system. We were like "Damn! 64?! That's like, four times the bits!" Even the official advertising slogan said "Do the math."
1150
1151But beyond its vicious exterior and rotating Jaguar cube on the startup screen, it had little to offer. Gamers who were suckered in found a mediocre library of games and graphics that failed to impress. The controllers were huge and had keypads, much like the Colecovision and Intellivision, and they also had overlays which sometimes come in handy, but mostly they were unnecessary. The cartridges don't have end labels, so I had to make my own. Seriously, is there any good reason not to have end labels? I guess instead they have these weird handles. What's the point? Do I really need that extra grip? None of the other top-loading consoles had that. It's like "Uh, I can't get the game out, oh God, I need a handle, man, I just can't get a grip! Gotta have a handle!" And speaking of top-loading consoles, notice how they all have a door. That's to protect from dust. That's a good thing. But the Jaguar doesn't have that. Why not?
1152
1153But before I can review any games, we need to discuss the graphics. This is Zool 2. Now, without criticizing the game, it's a typical sidescroller, but look at it. The graphics don't look any better than Sonic the Hedgehog (Shows the gameplay footage of Sonic the Hedgehog 3 on Sega Genesis.), and that was 16-bit. Maybe a bad choice of games, so let's give it the benefit of the doubt and try something else.
1154
1155Brutal Sports Football. Another okay game. But once again, the graphics aren't too impressive. Where'd the other 48 bits go?
1156
1157Let's try Checkered Flag. This showcases the graphical capabilities a little more, just the fact that it puts you into a three-dimensional environment. But compare it to F-Zero on Super Nintendo. 48 bits less, but a million times more appealing to the eye.
1158
1159Now look at Cybermorph. It's a flying game with polygon graphics. Going back to Super NES one more time, look at Star Fox. Are we missing something here? For a game console that claims to be 64-bit, it really doesn't show a whole lot of improvement. This caused a lot of debate amongst gamers whether or not it really was 64-bit. It's a topic that usually overshadows the Jaguar itself, but it's something we just need to get out of the way.
1160
1161Well, we do know that Atari was originally planning a 32-bit system called the Panther, but decided to skip it and leap ahead. The Jaguar still used a 32-bit graphic processing unit, but through a combination of other processors somehow added up to 64. It's technical and confusing. But the point is the Jaguar was a rare species, not built like most game consoles. That made it harder to program games on it and as a result, many games didn't utilize its full capabilities, whatever they could've been.
1162
1163So I've given you a little of history on Atari and how it tried to win the Bit Wars. Now that we've got that out of the way, check in for part 2, we're actually play some Jaguar games. Or, if you wanna be cool, you say "play some Jag!"
1164
1165(Super Cool Version) Check in for Part 2 and we'll play some Jag!
1166
1167Categories:
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1169Community content is available under CC-BY-SA unless otherwise noted.
1170Recent Wiki Activity
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1176FrankRTWiw • 3 days ago
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1259Atari Jaguar (Part 2) - Angry Video Game Nerd - Episode 66
1260Atari Jaguar (Part 2) - Angry Video Game Nerd - Episode 66
1261
1262The Nerd: Alright, let's play some Jag. We've already established that the graphics weren't much of a leap for 64 bits, but graphics aren't everything.
1263
1264Contents[show]
1265Tempest 2000
1266The Nerd: Take a look at Tempest 2000. It's an arcade-style game with a 3-dimensional feel. It's really addicting and fun to play. Basically, you're in space with a bunch of 3D shapes to shoot stuff and collecting power-ups. Funny to think that something so simple happens to be one of the best games the Jaguar has to offer. It even has some good kickass music, so kickass that there was actually a soundtrack on CD. What's this monster on the cover? Does that ever happen in the game?
1267
1268Alien vs. Predator
1269The Nerd: Let's check out Alien vs. Predator. It's a first-person sort of survival horror thing. You can play as not only the Alien and the Predator but as the Marine. And with each character, your objectives are completely different. Surprisingly, it's most fun to play as the Marine, because you have the gun. But with the Alien and Predator, you have to sneak up on people. Not much to say, but it's another memorable game on the Jaguar.
1270
1271Doom
1272The Nerd: Next up, the big motherfucker of first-person shooters: Doom. This is one of the best console ports of Doom that I've played. It comes as close to the PC version as it gets, but they had to ruin it with one thing: There's no music during the gameplay.
1273
1274(no music plays during gameplay)
1275
1276The Nerd: Really? Was there any reason not to have music? Did they run out of time? Some might consider it scarier that way, but it would've been nice to have the option. I call this one Silent Doom, so just put on some Slayer and you're all set.
1277
1278Attack of the Mutant Penguins
1279The Nerd: So I think I've covered most of the real famous Jaguar games, so now let's look at something more obscure: Attack of the Mutant Penguins. I gotta admit, the name alone got my attention.
1280
1281The Nerd: What the hell's going on? From what I understand, there's a bunch of penguins walking around. They buy tickets and then go into a transformation booth where they become evil mutant penguins. And from there, they go to the Doom Scale, yeah, the Doom Scale. They jump in the mouth and then appear on the scale. So, you gotta stop the penguins by using a weapon, for example, a baseball bat. How do you get the bat? You gotta collect letters that spell the word "Bat". Where do you find the letters? Inside treasure chests. But how do you open the treasure chests? A key, right? No, gremlins. Yeah, you collect what they call gremlins and supposedly you drop the gremlins inside the treasure chests and then it opens. But no, it doesn't open right away, it takes like 10 seconds, and the more gremlins you use, the faster it opens, but it doesn't open, it like explodes. When you get the bat, you gotta kill all the penguins, but they don't die if you hit them. Instead, there's a bunch of power orbs that scatter all over. You gotta get all the power orbs to power up your bat so you can kill the penguins. But you can only kill the penguins wearing hats because the ones that don't wear hats fight the ones that do wear hats. If the mutant penguins on the Doom Scale outweigh the regular penguins, the Doom Scale starts screaming and going apeshit! (The Doom Scale goes apeshit)
1282
1283The Nerd: This is the weirdest game I've ever played. I mean, it's not bad if you're drunk or high or something, but how did they come up with this shit? I got it, I can come up with a game like this. How about: You're a shark, and you gotta shake palm trees until trains fall down, and you put the trains in an apple, and then turkeys come and eat the apple, and then the turkeys go up waterfalls, and to get them down you have to collect monkey butts, so you drop the monkey butts on power lines, and then... (mimics explosion and drinks a bottle of Rolling Rock) Alright, what's next?
1284
1285Kasumi Ninja
1286Video Game Announcer: Kasumi Ninja!
1287
1288The Nerd: A fighting game, and a really bad one. Most fighting games have a character select screen. In fact, all of them have that, right? Well, not this one. Instead, it's got this weird first-person sort of thing. You walk around and touch statues to pick your character. It's so awkward. How did they fuck up something as easy as a select screen?!
1289
1290Video Game Announcer: Entering the Combat Zone!
1291
1292The Nerd: Even worse, when playing the one player mode, you'll only get a choice of playing as two characters. You have to beat the other characters to unlock them. That alone makes it more of a pain in the ass than it has to be.
1293
1294The Nerd: The game itself is pretty much a Mortal Kombat clone with every hit making pools of blood fall down, and even has death moves. But it's also one of those games that wimps out by censoring the violence. You have to put in a parental password just to turn the blood on. Basically, it's just a 6-digit code. But what's the chance of kids not figuring out the code before their parents do? But once it's unlocked, you still need to set the level of blood. So in case you want there to be a little bit of blood, but not too much? Like, who the fuck cares? Just turn the goddamn blood on!
1295
1296The Nerd: The control is horrible. It's almost as bad as Shaq-Fu. I'm not kidding. The attacks are sluggish, there's not much strategy, and you'll never guess how to do the special move. You try everything: Back Forward kick, Down Forward punch, Half-circle Back punch, you know, the typical stuff. But none of that works. So, you gotta either maybe have the instruction manual, or go on the internet to get the moves. You gotta hold the C button like instead of down forward C, you gotta hold C while you do it. Why couldn't it be something more common?
1297
1298The Nerd: I think one basic important thing in any fighting game is being able to pick it up and play. And the special moves are ridiculous. (Angus from "Kasumi Ninja" shoots fireballs from under his kilt) Like, what is this? He shoots fireballs out his dick? Or maybe it's a gaping flame vagina? Who the fuck knows? Somebody was not right in the head. This game is fucking horrible.
1299
1300Cybermorph
1301The Nerd: But how do you wash down a bad taste of one shitty game? With another: Cybermorph. I've already mentioned that this one looks worse than Star Fox, but let's give it a chance.
1302
1303Skylar: Good luck! (plane crashes into a wall) Where did you learn to fly?
1304
1305The Nerd: What's with this green face? It's disturbing.
1306
1307Skylar: Where did you learn to fly?
1308
1309The Nerd: Stop talking to me.
1310
1311Skylar: Where did you learn to fly?
1312
1313The Nerd: Fucking freak.
1314
1315Skylar: Where did you learn to fly?
1316
1317The Nerd: Every single time you hit something, it says that.
1318
1319Skylar: Where did you learn to fly?
1320
1321The Nerd: Knock it off! God, the mountains come out of nowhere. They just pop up giving you no time to react. When you die, it picks you up right where you left off. Sometimes I complain about games making you start back at the beginning, but this one literally puts you right back where you are. Imagine if in Super Mario Bros. you run into a Goomba and die. Okay, then what? Does it start you right in front of the Goomba again? (No)
1322
1323Skylar: Where did you learn to fly?
1324
1325The Nerd: That voice just never stops.
1326
1327Skylar: Where did you learn to fly?
1328
1329The Nerd: Shut up!
1330
1331Skylar: Where did you learn to fly? Where did you learn to fly? Where did you learn to fly?
1332
1333The Nerd: OH, COME ON!!
1334
1335(the Nerd gets up and turns off the Jaguar)
1336
1337The Nerd: (sighs in relief) Oh, that's enough of that.
1338
1339Skylar: Where did you learn to fly?
1340
1341The Nerd: Oh, gotta get it out of my head. (Nerd drinks a bottle of Rolling Rock)
1342
1343Skylar: Where did you learn to fly? Where did you learn to fly? Where did you learn to fly?
1344
1345The Nerd: Oh, I gotta to get it out of my head!
1346
1347Skylar: Where did you learn to fly?
1348
1349The Nerd: I gotta get it out of my head!
1350
1351Skylar: Where did you learn to fly?
1352
1353The Nerd: STOP!
1354
1355(Skylar appears from behind the futon and the Nerd notices)
1356
1357Skylar: Where did you learn to fly?
1358
1359The Nerd: OH, SHIT! OH, SHIT!
1360
1361(The Nerd gets up and runs to the computer desk and grabs his Super Scope)
1362
1363Skylar: Where did you learn to fly? Where did you learn to fly? Where did you learn to fly? Where did--?
1364
1365(The Nerd shoots Skylar and Skylar explodes)
1366
1367The Nerd: WHERE'D YOU LEARN TO BE AN ASSHOLE?!
1368
1369(the Nerd walks in front of his TV and starts talking to it)
1370
1371The Nerd: JAGUAR, I'VE HAD ALL I CAN TAKE! YOU'RE THE MOST FUCKING--
1372
1373(the Jaguar cube starts growling at the Nerd)
1374
1375The Nerd: Did you just growl at me?
1376
1377(the Jaguar cube comes out of the TV screen, growls again, and starts coming towards the Nerd)
1378
1379The Nerd: OH, GOD!
1380
1381(The Nerd stands on top of his futon and starts shooting rapidly at the logo with the Super Scope, but to no avail)
1382
1383(Super Scope runs out of ammo and the Nerd switches to another weapon: The Sega Menacer. He starts shooting rapidly at it, but fails too and it also runs out of ammo. Then the Nerd switches to an Atari 2600 Flight Commander gun that shoots like a machine gun. He shoots the Atari Jaguar logo and yet still fails)
1384
1385The Nerd: Oh, no, what do I do?! (to his cat Boo) Hey, death kitty, sic 'em!
1386
1387(Boo gets up and chases the Atari Jaguar logo around)
1388
1389The Nerd: Yeah, that's the real jaguar!
1390
1391(Boo meows and continues chasing the Atari Jaguar logo, while a Thrash Metal version of the Angry Video Game Nerd theme song plays, and it ends by both of them running up the stairs)
1392
1393The Nerd: (exclaims) Well, okay, we played a few Jaguar games. We played a sports game, a side-scroller, a first-person shooter, a fighting game, a racing game, and a flying game. We played some good games. Some bad games. And overall, eh... it makes me wanna puke. Like a cat. (the Nerd pretends to puke like a cat coughing up a hairball, licks his hand, and wipes it in his hair)
1394
1395Atari Jaguar CD
1396The Nerd: And then what did they do? They make a CD add-on. Yeah, the fucking Jaguar CD. There's something about this that perplexes me. You have a game console, that not many people owned, so you make an add-on that requires owning the game console. WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?!
1397
1398The Nerd: It should've just been its own individual game system. Besides, the fucking thing has its own AC adapter. So, that's two. One for the Jaguar, and one for the Jaguar CD. And that's some cool looking design. It looks just like a toilet. Yeah, it's a fucking toilet. What a perfect analogy.
1399
1400The Nerd: I would review some games, but there's one problem: the fucking bastard doesn't work. Not even the cartridge slot, so I can't even play my regular Jaguar games while this thing is connected. I tried using different AC adapters, but nothing worked. It simply won't read the disc.
1401
1402The Nerd: So I sent this broken piece of shit to my friend Richard to see if he can fix it. He invented the Nintoaster; a fully functional NES made out of a toaster. He also made the Super Genintari, which plays NES, SNES, Genesis, and Atari 2600 games. So game mechanisms are his specialty. If he can't fix it, then it's fucked. Here's his diagnosis.
1403
1404Richard DaLuz: Ah, yes. The Atari Jaguar CD. What a steaming pile of fucking shit that was. I want to make sure there's nothing wrong with the console itself first, just to rule it out. So I plug in a game, push the power button, the Jaguar logo comes careening towards me in the foreground, and after a particularly hilarious fucking startup sequence, I'm playing some Tempest 2000. WHOA! So now I know there's nothing wrong with the console itself.
1405
1406Richard DaLuz: Time to move on to CD unit. So I plug it in, hook up the additional 47 cables that came with it, push the power button, the logo comes careening towards me in the foreground, snarls, and... the Red Screen of Death, indicating a connection problem. So, the first thing I did was deep-clean every single contact point on both the console and the CD unit. I turned it on, Red Screen. Then I went back and made physical adjustments to every contact point in both the console and CD unit so it'd make it more of a solid connection. Turned it on, Red Screen. Finally, I just said, "Fuck it!", and directly wired those two sons-of-bitches together, completely bypassing any and all cartridge ports, and ruling out the remote chance of there ever being any kind of connection issue between the two systems. I turned it on, and guess what? Red Screen!
1407
1408Richard DaLuz: So at this point, I pretty much just gave up and and shipped everything back to him, along with a Pong machine, which pretty much just says, "I'm sorry, man, this thing is just too shitty for me to work on." I think, between the flaming "Fuck you!" middle finger Red Screens and getting snarled at at the same time, this machine has become self-aware and does not want to be repaired. That is my diagnosis. Richard out.
1409
1410The Nerd: Well, thanks for trying. And thanks for the Pong console. Would you believe that a 30-year-old Pong console attached to a cell phone adapter would work, but a cutting-edge, snarling Jaguar doesn't? There's something wrong here. And you know what? I blew $250 on this thing. So, you know what I did? Bought another one. Yeah, and guess what? It doesn't work, either! So, that's about $450 total I blew on two dead Jaguars. And these things are rare. So when the only two that I can manage to get my hands on just don't work, that leads me to believe that these things MOST DEFINITELY ARE SELF-AWARE! They don't wanna work! You can't make 'em! They just refuse to be reviewed! And I've never had that happen. So, the end. I gotta take a shit. (The Nerd takes out the Atari Jaguar with the Atari Jaguar CD attached to it, opens the Atari Jaguar CD, and literally takes a shit in it like a toilet, while the Thrash Metal version of the Angry Video Game Nerd theme song plays)
1411
1412Atari Jaguar (Part 1)
1413
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1496MV5BNDExN2YyMTItZDI3Mi00NWI1LWExYWQtNDk2MDNkMWRiNDFlXkEyXkFqcGdeQXVyMTQzMjU1NjE@. V1 
1497Title card for episode.
1498
1499Doublevision (Part 1) Intellivision - Angry Video Game Nerd - Episode 44
1500Doublevision (Part 1) Intellivision - Angry Video Game Nerd - Episode 44
1501
1502(Kyle Justin plays "Double Vision")
1503
1504The Nerd: We've only touched upon some of the many classic gaming consoles, like the Atari 2600. But now, it's time to introduce you to two of its competitors.
1505
1506Kyle Justin: ♪ Feeling down and dirty, feeling kind of mean. ♪
1507
1508The Nerd: Exhibit A: The Intellivision.
1509
1510Kyle Justin: ♪ I've been from one to another extreme. ♪
1511
1512The Nerd: Exhibit B: The ColecoVision.
1513
1514Kyle Justin: ♪ This time I had a good time, ain't got time to wait. ♪
1515
1516The Nerd: Both tried to take down Atari, and both had a similar library of games.
1517
1518Kyle Justin: ♪ I wanna stick around till I can’t see straight. ♪
1519
1520The Nerd: It's like today, you got all these games, you don't know which way to look!
1521
1522Kyle Justin: ♪ Fill my eyes with that double vision. ♪
1523
1524Kyle Justin: ♪ No disguise for that double vision. ♪
1525
1526Kyle Justin: ♪ Ooh, when it gets through to me, its always new to me. ♪
1527
1528Kyle Justin: ♪ My double vision's got the best of me. ♪
1529
1530The Nerd: First, we're gonna talk about the Intellivision. It was test-marketed in 1979 but officially released in 1980. Notice its fine wood texture. Everything back then was made of wood. You know the Stone Age? Well, that was the Wood Age.
1531
1532The Nerd: The Intellivision came from Mattel Electronics. Now, you know what else they made? The Power Glove. Now, that's a bad sign right there. But, it was a great game system for its time.
1533
1534The Nerd: Now, I'm going to whip through a bunch of random games, mostly shitty ones. But, I'm going to tell you right now, I have three common complaints. Number one: many of the games are very similar to other games and often, they're blatant copies. Number two: without instructions, they're difficult to understand how to play. Number three: The controls suck ass, and in this regard, the main problem is the controllers. Why a numeric keypad? This is a video game controller, not a phone! Then, there's two little buttons on each side, which are usually the fire buttons. It's awkward to handle.
1535
1536The Nerd: And rather than a joystick or a control pad of some kind, you get this weird disk. Sometimes, in the heat of the game, you can actually jam your fingernail on it. It also acts as a button, so in total, that's seventeen buttons. And for games this complex, you really need that many.
1537
1538The Nerd: When you pop in a game, the first thing you do is try every button before you figure out which ones do anything. Most of them don't do jackshit and it's different for each game. That's why many of the games come with overlays. You slide it over the keys and now you can see what they do. It helps out, but damn. What a shitload of fuck. And, the games barely fit in the cartridge slot. It's like trying to stick your dick in a Cheerio.
1539
1540The Nerd: So, this is Space Battle. Sounds promising enough, but okay. What's this? None of the buttons do anything but make fart noises.
1541
1542The Nerd: And the overlay has a bunch of Triforces. Is this where they came from? All you gotta do is wait for the squadrons to meet the aliens and then it brings up the battle screen where you shoot blueberry pancakes. THIS should be the whole game. Why does this part even exist?
1543
1544The Nerd: Next, uh, I don't know. Let's try Mission X. More like Mission Ass. It's a 2D shooter, but it's real hard to shoot things. I mean, you have to be at the exact altitude. 2 rises up and 8 goes down. And, the fire buttons are on the side. I mean, that's great, right? Why not spread the buttons out as much as possible?
1545
1546The Nerd: Alright, what's next? How 'bout Utopia? It's kind of a precursor to SimCity. You're basically the god of an island. You build stuff and storms come by, and, uh, wow! All I can say is that back in 1981, people had a lot more imagination.
1547
1548The Nerd: Okay, how 'bout He-Man? Aw, man. I thought it was going to be He-Man. So, you're flying around in the Wind Raider, shooting at stuff. I think on the ground, that's Skeletor. You drop bombs on him and that's it. Wait. Did I just call that white square a bomb? See? That's using your imagination.
1549
1550The Nerd: Vectron. In the 80s, everything was "tron." Megatron, Voltron, Tron the movie, you get the idea. This is a weird, weird game. The first challenge is to figure out which of these indescribable objects you're controlling. So, guess what? I think you're this green V. You can shoot at stuff, but you can't move. And that's just fantastic, because there's a big gleaming box immediately blocking your path. And I'm not gonna lie. I don't get it.
1551
1552The Nerd: Now, speaking of "Tron," here we have Tron Deadly Discs. You just run around throwing shit at people. Seems like it would be a fun little game, but what ruins it for me is how ASS the controls are! Rather than having one simple fire button and aiming with the joypad or disc or whatever, the keypad determines which direction you shoot.
1553
1554(He plays game for a few seconds, but loses.)
1555
1556The Nerd: SHIT THE FUCK!
1557
1558The Nerd: Thin Ice. Okay, you're a penguin ice skating around, collecting... torches, or, they could be McDonalds French Fries, who knows? The whole time, there's a seal on your ass which kills you, but the black penguins do absolutely nothing.
1559
1560The Nerd: Advanced Dungeons & Dragons. Well, advanced is right. For the time, it was a pretty complicated game. You start out moving some dots around on the map screen. Then you go into caves, you fight monsters, and you find items. What are those? Jacks? Can I pick 'em up? I guess not.
1561
1562The Nerd: The limited visibility's pretty annoying. And, without the overlay or any instructions, I gotta admit. I don't know what the Hell I'm doing. But, this is one of the granddaddies of adventure games.
1563
1564The Nerd: Alright, what do we got here? Space Spartans? Man, what the Hell does that mean? A spartan in space? Was Marvin the Martian a space spartan? You got this grid screen and you shoot shit, which looks like Tie-Fighters.
1565
1566The Nerd: Microsurgeon. The picture reminds me of Slim Goodbody. I can't believe I'm making that kind of reference. But anyway, you control a barely visible dot on the screen moving around the human body. There's spiders and clouds floating around and I doubt this thing's medically accurate. You just explore all the guts, technically making it the goriest game ever made. But, it only goes so far. I guess the piss and shit zone just didn't do it.
1567
1568The Nerd: Frog Bog. You're a frog and the goal is to eat as many flies as you can. It's the same thing as Frogs and Flies on the Atari 2600, but the graphics are way better. On Atari, the flies are just flickering dots. However, it's more fun to play because of its fluent control. It's a fine example of better graphics don't make a better game.
1569
1570The Nerd: Buzz Bombers. Now, this is funny. You kill a bunch of bees with bug spray, but no. You don't use a can of bug spray, you are the can of bug spray. There's also a hummingbird you could shoot at, but it doesn't seem to do anything. You know when bees sting you, their asses break off and they die.
1571
1572The Nerd: Space Hawk. Man, everything begins with space. So, you're just a guy floating around in space shooting green slime. Uh-oh! Uh-oh! The bubbles are coming! Gotta find the- (Exclaims) MOTHER OF A FUCK! It would be so much easier to move if you could use the disk. Instead, it's the damn keypad.
1573
1574Uh, oh! Here comes the Space Hawk! Gotta move! Gotta move! DAMN! I wipe my ASS on this game!
1575
1576The Nerd: Boxing. Okay. Yeah, boxing. This sucks.
1577
1578The Nerd: Snafu. You have to keep the line going as long as possible without touching any of the other lines or hitting your own. It's the bare basics of graphics, but surprisingly, it's a pretty fun game.
1579
1580The Nerd: Okay, we gotta move on, but let me introduce the Intellivoice Voice Synthesis Module. What the fuck is that? Well, it makes your games talk. Yeah. Now, at the time, the idea having voices in video games was a new thing. But unfortunately, only a few games were compatible, like B-17 Bomber.
1581
1582Electronic Voice: Mattel Electronics presents: (hillbilly voice) B-17 Bomber.
1583
1584The Nerd: (mimics the voice) B-17 BOMBER!
1585
1586Electronic Hillbilly Voice: B-17 Bomber!
1587
1588The Nerd: Alright, fuck the game. Let's try Bomb Squad.
1589
1590Electronic Voice: Mattel Electronics presents: Bomb Squad. (Alarm buzzes) They'll never do it in time! The code! The code! Figure out the code!
1591
1592The Nerd: What? Guess I gotta defuse the bomb.
1593
1594Electronic Voice: It won't be easy! Replace this third, this fourth, this second, this first!
1595
1596The Nerd: Oh, shit! OH, SHIT! OH, GOD! (Exploding)
1597
1598See also
1599Transcript of AVGN Episode Double Vision: ColecoVision
1600Categories:
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1693MV5BOGU2ZmE2ZjMtYmJhOC00NTMzLWE1ZmYtN2I0MmRjOTkwNDFlXkEyXkFqcGdeQXVyMTQzMjU1NjE@. V1 
1694Title card for episode.
1695
1696Doublevision (Part 2) ColecoVision - Angry Video Game Nerd - Episode 45
1697Doublevision (Part 2) ColecoVision - Angry Video Game Nerd - Episode 45
1698
1699(Richard Strauss's "Also Sprach Zarathustra" [more commonly known from the 1968 Stanley Kubrick movie, 2001: A Space Odyssey] plays, and the camera zooms in on a large, monolith-like object.)
1700
1701The Nerd: What's that? A metamorphic stone rising from the blackness and negative Earth, a towering behemoth of monstrosity brought down by extraterrestrial powers, or a giant monolith of death, Hell-bent on the annihilation of humankind, time, and all matter? No. It's the AC adapter for a ColecoVision. (The Nerd "struggles" to pick it up.) WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY THINKING?!
1702
1703The Nerd: IS THIS NECESSARY?! Look! I can't fit this Godforsaken piece of shit in the electrical outlet, unless there's nothing next to it! What a fuckin' hog! That's what it is; a self-indulgent glutton of a power hog.
1704
1705The Nerd: Anyway, the ColecoVision was released in 1982, and like the Intellivision, it had the same stupid-ass keypad! But with a joystick. Well, almost a joystick, and it's so stiff it doesn't fare much better.
1706
1707The Nerd: First, let's try out Montezuma's Revenge. Well, I would make some comment about diarrhea or somethin', but it's actually a pretty good platforming game. You collect a bunch of treasures while avoiding all kinds of hazards. Standard stuff, you know, but well done. Only problem: this controller is fuckin' HORRIBLE! But the good news is that, unlike the Intellivision, you can unplug the controller and swap it with an Atari or a Sega Genesis controller. Who would've thought that would be compatible? But, what a great thing.
1708
1709The Nerd: Now let's try out Rocky. That's right, Rocky on the ColecoVision. The music and the graphics are quite good for the time, but would it be too much trouble to add any facial features? As far to my knowledge, your only opponent is Clubber Lang. After all, Rocky III was the newest movie, so there's definitely no Ivan Drago. But all you do is mash buttons and it all boils down to a big crocka shit.
1710
1711The Nerd: Okay, you're not gonna believe this one. It's called Cabbage Patch Kids: Adventure in the Park. It's basically like another Pitfall game but with a random layout. Why would I swing on the vines when I can hop on the lily pad instead? Then there's screens which don't have anything on it, so what's the point of having them? And so many of them look the same.
1712
1713The Nerd: Next is Campaign '84. Yes, a game based on a presidential campaign, probably the worst fuckin' concept for any game in history. First you pick what you wanna accomplish, you know, like what kind of serious issues are on the country, like "ban all shoelaces?" And that's my favorite, 'cuz shoelaces are bullshit.
1714
1715The Nerd: Then you pick the Donkey or the Elephant. I don't really know which is which. And then you're movin' around and... I really seem to be having a lot of trouble with this because I can barely move! Alright, let's try to touch the megaphone. Okay. "You were seen putting your shoes on before you put on your pants." Okay, well who the Hell was watchin' me get dressed? If I want to put my shoes on first, that's my own Goddamn business.
1716
1717The Nerd: Next up is Chuck Norris. Yeah, that's right, Chuck Norris: The Game. You're walkin' around and then you get into fights. And the attacks are completely ineffective. C'mon, you son of a bitch! Wow. This is shit.
1718
1719The Nerd: Next we have Dance Fantasy. Okay, well my first question is where is the music, and what the Hell am I trying to do? You're just like floatin' around! It's as much fun as draggin' a mouse around a computer screen.
1720
1721The Nerd: Dr. Seuss's Fix Up the Mix-up Puzzler. It's a puzzle game where you put together different Dr. Seuss characters. Yeah, that's about as much as I can say about that.
1722
1723The Nerd: Learning with Leeper. It's one of the most juvenile games I've ever played. You're a weird eyeball with legs and there's four little games to pick from. In the balloon game, all you gotta do is match the letters. See, that's a "T" up there, so all I do is I just grab the "T", I match them up, and there you go. You win. It's pretty hard, right? In the maze game, you're a frog being chased by a centipede. All you gotta do is get to the end of the maze and that's it. The dog game, I have no fuckin' clue what to do. But the paint game is basically like an old Paint program. If you thought Mario Paint was primitive, well, look again.
1724
1725The Nerd: Next is Looping. Here we go-- Oh, well, let's try again. Oh, man, that pilot's drunk as shit! Oh I gotta get through the wall, here we go-- Okay. Maybe I gotta go over it. Oh, I guess not. Uh-oh, let's try again. Oh, man, what am I supposed to do?! FUCK! Oh, I know. I gotta shoot through it. (after crashing again, he finally takes the game out, angrily scowls at it, and then throws it against the wall.)
1726
1727The Nerd: Robin Hood. I guess you're Robin Hood and you're just shootin' the fuck outta people with your arrows. Man, all this violence goin' on, but the sun is just smilin' away.
1728
1729The Nerd: Slurpy. Ok, you're just goin' around slurpin' balls. And there's all kinds of weird creatures comin' at ya. And I-I really don't know how else to describe this thing, it's like---What the Hell?
1730
1731The Nerd: Smurf Rescue. Yeah, how could you go wrong with a game about the Smurfs? All you do is keep walkin' right. Nobody's tryin' to kill ya, everything's just fine and dandy. What a nice game. This is the happiest game ever made.
1732
1733The Nerd: WarGames. I'm assuming it's based off the movie, since they both came out in 1983. You're basically trying to stop nuclear missiles from blowin' up the whole world. It's kinda serious. But there's another one called War Room, which is a similar game, except this one has some comedic relief, because it's got giant mutant chickens.
1734
1735The Nerd: Alright, well this video is gettin' outta hand, and we can spend all day talkin' about these games and discussing them in depth, but I only wanted to give you an introduction to two classic gaming consoles. Now I know we mainly focused on the shitty aspects, but lemme tell ya: That's the name of the game.
1736
1737The Nerd: But before I end it, let's take a look at the ColecoVision Expansion Module. Yeah, what gaming system is complete without some kind of peripheral? You plug it in, and now you can play Atari 2600 games. That's right, I'm playin' Atari on ColecoVision, its competitor.
1738
1739The Nerd: Okay, that would never happen today. That's like if Sony said, "Okay, we're gonna come out with this new expansion module for the PlayStation 3. You're gonna be able to play Xbox games on it." There would be lawsuits up the ass.
1740
1741The Nerd: And there were more expansion modules. The second one's a steering wheel for the driving games, and the third one connects the fucker to an Adam computer. I wonder if the Addams Family had an Adam computer?
1742
1743The Nerd: Now the fourth expansion module connects it to a dishwasher. And then, the fifth and final one connects it to your ​ass!
1744
1745Kyle Justin: (singing) ♪ Never do more than I really need. ♪
1746
1747Kyle Justin: ♪ My mind is racing, but my body's in the lead. ♪
1748
1749Kyle Justin: ♪ Tonight's the night, I'm gonna push it to the limit. ♪
1750
1751Kyle Justin: ♪ I'll live all of my years in a single minute. ♪
1752
1753Kyle Justin: ♪ Fill my eyes with that double vision. ♪
1754
1755Kyle Justin: ♪ No disguise for that double vision. ♪
1756
1757Kyle Justin: ♪ Ooh, when it gets through to me, it's always new to me. My double vision's got the best of me. ♪
1758
1759See also
1760Transcript of AVGN Episode Double Vision: Intellivision
1761Categories:
1762Transcripts of 2008 Angry Video Game Nerd episodesTranscripts
1763Community content is available under CC-BY-SA unless otherwise noted.
1764Recent Wiki Activity
1765Mike Matei
1766Gokucock • 2 days ago
1767List of Angry Video Game Nerd Adventures Hazards and Enemies
1768Prabowo Muhammad • 3 days ago
1769Transcript of AVGN Episode Universal Studios Theme Parks Adventure
1770FrankRTWiw • 4 days ago
1771James & Mike Mondays
1772HorrorFan01 • 4 days ago
1773
1774
1775
1776
1777
1778Help us grow Angry Video Game Nerd Wiki!
1779GET STARTED
1780Popular Pages
1781
1782The Angry Video Game Nerd (character)
1783
1784List of Angry Video Game Nerd episodes
1785
1786
1787Nostalgia Critic
1788
1789
1790Mike Matei
1791
1792
1793Kyle Justin
1794
1795EXPLORE PROPERTIES
1796Fandom
1797Gamepedia
1798D&D Beyond
1799Muthead
1800Futhead
1801FOLLOW US
1802OVERVIEW
1803About
1804Careers
1805Press
1806Contact
1807Terms of Use
1808Privacy Policy
1809Global Sitemap
1810Local Sitemap
1811COMMUNITY
1812Community Central
1813Support
1814Help
1815ADVERTISE
1816Media Kit
1817Contact
1818FANDOM APPS
1819Take your favorite fandoms with you and never miss a beat.
1820D&D Beyond
1821Angry Video Game Nerd Wiki is a FANDOM Movies Community.
1822Follow Fandom Wikis on TwitterJokeyPsychEndgameHonestGalaxyQuest
1823
1824~~~~~~
1825
1826
1827GAMES
1828MOVIES
1829TV
1830VIDEO
1831WIKIS
1832Search
1833START A WIKI
1834Angry Video Game Nerd Wiki
1835Angry Video Game Nerd Wiki
1836592
1837PAGES
1838ADD NEW PAGE
1839POPULAR PAGES
1840COMMUNITY
1841EXPLORE
1842FORUM
1843in:
1844Transcripts, Transcripts of 2007 Angry Video Game Nerd episodes
1845Transcript of AVGN Episode Nintendo Power
1846EDIT
1847 
1848COMMENTS (12)
1849 
1850SHARE
1851MV5BYmUxOGI5YjItNmY1OC00Yjc5LTg0NTctZDgwMGZkYjBkMTMwXkEyXkFqcGdeQXVyMTQzMjU1NjE@. V1 
1852Nintendo Power - Angry Video Game Nerd - Episode 33
1853Nintendo Power - Angry Video Game Nerd - Episode 33
1854
1855(There is a lot of magazines lying around the floor and all of a sudden, the Nerd surprisingly appears like a screamer)
1856
1857The Nerd: ASS!!!
1858
1859(The Angry Video Game Nerd Theme Song)
1860
1861(Shots of Kyle Justin, his guitar, and the Nerd reading Nintendo Power)
1862
1863Kyle Justin: ♪ Get the power! Nintendo Power! Get the clues that you can use! Nintendo Power! Higher and higher! Fighting your way through enemy fire! ♪
1864
1865(The Nerd eats magazine and blows up Earth and Milky Way.)
1866
1867The Nerd: It's time to chill out. Nah, don't worry. I'm not goin' mellow on you or anything like that. And, next time, it's gonna be a game review again. But for now, I just want to take you back to one of the most important parts of my childhood: Nintendo Power. You know, today, there's Internet. Anything you want to know about any game, you just look it up. But, back then, your only source of information was magazines, like Nintendo Power. If you had a subscription, you were the man! One of your friends would be breakin' their balls to beat some game and you'll be like, "Oh, I know how to beat that game.", or, "I know a code." That's because you had the power. Nintendo Power, motherfucker!
1868
1869When it landed in my mailbox, Issue 1 was the most mind-blowing thing I've ever seen. Just opening up a page to a map of Metroid, it was so helpful. That game made you feel like a rat in a maze! Then, there was this Super Mario Bros. unlimited 1-up trick, the famous Contra code that gets you 30 extra lives, and how to skip to Zelda's Second Quest. All in this groundbreaking issue, from front cover to back, it is absolute classic.
1870
1871One thing that used to piss me off was the NES Achievers section. It's just a buncha nerds showin' off their high scores. But, how do you prove it? You have to take a photo of your screen. And, nobody really knew how to do that. Remember, there were no digital cameras back then, so you take the picture of your screen, you have no fuckin' clue what it looks like. And, there could be, like, 20 other pictures on the roll, so, you either have to, like, waste them all or wait until it gets finished. You get your mom or dad to take it to the store to get the picture developed, it comes back, and what does it look like? It looks like fuckin' shit! So, Nintendo Power printed out some guideline that's basically saying, "Look, dumb shits. This is how you're supposed to do it." And, if my game said "Cheese!", I'd think I'd shit my pants. And, if I was wearin' that, I'd have problems.
1872
1873Nothin' brings back memories like breezing through an issue of Nintendo Power. Remember when the Nintendo 64 was the Nintendo Ultra 64? Remember when the piece-of-shit Virtual Boy was called the VR32? Remember the NES Satellite, or the SNES Catapult? Remember Star Fox 2, the game that never saw the light of day? Remember readin' all about the new shows comin' out like Captain N and the Super Mario Bros. Super Show? 'Member that shitty movie The Wizard and that fuckin' dumbass Super Mario Bros. movie? Man, I remember readin' about that and being so excited, I couldn't wait to see that movie! But it was just like waitin' for a buffalo to take a shit all over your face. (Raspberry)
1874
1875Another thing powerful about this magazine was the power to know what games were coming out. But only if we could read between the lines, we could know how shitty they'd be. This one says, "In-depth playing tips on the horrifying sequel to Castlevania." This one says Back to the Future has that distinctive LJN style and an interesting "timer." Wow, they knew it was bad.
1876
1877Another classic section was the Top 30 in which they'd list the most popular Nintendo games. I don't know what Ninja Turtles was doing at number 1 for so damn long. But anyway, it was only NES for a while, but then, they started doing the Top SNES and Game Boy games. They even had a Top 5 for Virtual Boy. That's just hilarious because that's almost the whole library of games for that fuckin' piece of shit!
1878
1879The covers were always exciting to look forward to. This one gave kids nightmares and parents complained. I thought it was awesome. And, I never noticed that face in the background until today. This one's cool because it's an owl and owls are cool. But, this one really sucks. Why's it all gray? I mean, what the fuck kind of cover is this? (Flips open the grey dust jacket to find the real cover page) Oh. Well, what the fuck?
1880
1881The illustrations were awesome, too. Even if I didn't have the game, it was fun just looking at the pictures. Here's a page of Clash at Demonhead. Just a nice page, everything's fine, but then, there's something that bothered me. What's this? He's flippin' the bird — he's givin' the finger, and I'm not makin' this up! Oh, this one's kind of intimidating. I mean, what's Dracula's problem? (Tries to do Dracula's impression while the "Castlevania II: Simon's Quest" nighttime music plays)
1882
1883Speakin' of illustrations, there were also the comics. Howard & Nester were classic. Usually, they relate to a new game that was comin' out, like this one's about Castlevania II. It even makes mention of that weird tornado thing. There's also a Tetris comic, Battletoads, Zelda, Mario, Star Fox, Metroid, Shadows of the Empire, and Killer Instinct.
1884
1885The ads were kinda weird. This kid better be careful not to get those games wet. Actually, those games suck ass. Throw them to the sharks. Wow, there you go, huddle around the phone. Charge your parents' phone bill up the ass. "Unmask the power animal in you!" Uh-oh, here we go. "And radicalize your game with a subscription to Nintendo Power!" Holy shit! Will it make me grow claws like that? You know it's gotta be awesome when you're flyin' a Jeep through space goin' apeshit with Nintendo controllers. This one's so weird; somebody actually wrote a letter asking, "Did you really freeze a Super Nintendo? I'd love to know." The answer: "Ah, Jay, the wonders of special effects and photographic tricks! The answer that you're looking for is 'No.' The block of ice is actually just a plastic shell. It's way cool though, huh?"
1886
1887As Nintendo Power progressed, the ads went from being weird to just being fuckin' disgusting. Why the Hell is there a jar of toenail clippings in a video game magazine? What were they thinking? Now, here's the worst one yet. It's some old creepy bitch holdin' a log of shit. Goddamn. One ad was so gross, I stapled the page shut. I'm actually not joking. Then, this one just shows a hurl bag. Yeah, that's great. That just sums up how I feel about the whole situation. Nintendo Power! Don't open unless you've got a barf bag! (The Nerd skims through the Nintendo Power magazine, then pretends to vomit inside of his "barf bag," which is actually a McDonald's Happy Meal to-go bag.)
1888
1889Each issue always came with a poster. As you can see, I still have them on my walls. But, each one represents frustration. Getting these things out without ripping the fuck out of the poster is just a real shitsucker. (accidentally rips poster) Aw, fuck! Aw, shit. (accidentally rips poster) Fuck. Eventually, they started putting staples in the posters. (rips poster) FUCK! (tries getting the staple out of the poster but accidentally rips the poster) Piece of shit!
1890
1891Besides the posters, there's a lot of stupid shit like this Donkey Kong iron-on t-shirt. (The Nerd tries to iron it on, but with no success.) This... weird scratch-n'-sniff EarthBound thing. (He scratches, then sniffs.) AUUUGGGHHH!!! IT STINKS! Then, there's also these cards in the back. I mean, what's the point? Star Fox looks fuckin' pissed! Speakin' of Star Fox, there's also this fighter jet cut-out model. (He cuts the pieces out, but doesn't know how to put it together.) Then, there's these magic eye pictures. You're supposed to stare at this thing and see Mario or somethin'. I don't see shit.
1892
1893There's also a contest in every issue. Grand prizes would include a sneak showing of the Ninja Turtles movie, a chance to meet Arnold Schwarzenegger, to win Bill & Ted's phone booth, to win a Street Fighter II arcade machine, to dig up dinosaurs, or to be an extra in The Mask II. The Mask II? (sarcastically) Oh, that's a great prize! (normally) That movie never got fuckin' made, unless you count Son of the Mask, but that wasn't until about 10 years later! And, did they give the winner a rain check for that: to be in a movie with a computer-generated baby or any of the other sequels to Jim Carrey movies that don't have Jim Carrey?
1894
1895And then, there's this prize. It's just plain weird. "Have you ever dreamed of yourself in a tropical paradise, surrounded by sea and sand, a volcano rising at your back-" Well, not if it's erupting, like in the picture! It's tropical, dude! Here's the sun. I really don't see the sun. That’s fun- oh, so, that's where the fun is? Right there? Surf? Uh, okay. You? You're right there? Okay. Sand? Well, that is definitely sand. And trees? Uh, yep. There are trees all over the place.
1896
1897There was also a contest to design enemies for future Mega Man games. Some of the entries included Balloon Man, Sun Man, Yo-Yo Man, Spring Man, Magic Man, Clock Man, Whip Man, Spook Man, and Clown Man. The only two female characters were Mega Woman and Mega Girl. Then there's Weaseletta and Terror Teddy. What the fuck?
1898
1899Nintendo Power was great, but as it went on, they made some dumb decisions. It was nice when the spines were all numbered, so I can easily organize all the issues, but then, what the fuck? That's so inconvenient, and, some of them didn't even have the number on the front cover. You had to open it and find out. Then, they came back to their senses and brought the spines back. With a picture of Mario. Way to go. Above and beyond.
1900
1901So, let's read some letters. Here, somebody asks, “Do your Nintendo tapes really last five years? Does it matter if you set them on chairs or if you put the controllers on the floor?" Heh. Here, somebody sent in their recipe for Mike Tyson's punch. Oh, that's funny. Oh, and, oh, my God! Here we go! We got a Zelda rap. (rapping with the rap music) It's the Legend of Zelda and it's really bad, the creatures in the game are really rad. This sounds familiar. Alright, now we've got some Mario jokes. "Why did Mario cross the road? Because he couldn't find a warp zone." "What kind of fish would dare to attack Mario? A Barakoopa." "How does Mario know what will happen in the future? He uses a Luigi board." Aw. Alright, now, we got some Zelda jokes. "How did Link win the basketball game for his team? He used his Hookshot." "What did Zelda tell Link when he couldn't unlock the door? Triforce." "What did Link say to Ganon when he captured Zelda? Leever alone!" Okay, here's a really weird one. "If Mario Paint has 41,664 dots available judging from page 112 of the Mario Paint Player's Guide>, and 15 different colors to choose from, then did you know that there are a total of 1,978,857,121,979,410,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 different possible images to create on a single page? That's a lot, eh? Just thought I'd tell you." "Uh, thanks, Ian. That's certainly some useful information."
1902
1903Now, we got some complaints. "The game I purchased that was completely different than I expected was Rambo for the NES. I saw him firing a machine gun on the package and it looked really cool, so I bought it. When I got home, I started to play the game. It was boring. All you could do was walk around and fight with a knife. The only enemies I met were spiders, gorillas, bugs, et cetera." Tell me about it. We'll get to that one sometime. Oh, oh, here we go. "I once bought a game from a friend called Fester's Quest. I was expecting a great game after reading about it in Nintendo Power. But, even with the magazine at my side, it took me 2 1/2 hours to make it to the 1st boss and another 2 to make it to the 2nd." You want to know about Fester's Quest? Next time.
1904
1905Oh, here's a good complaint. "So, nice names, guys! Mario 64, Super Mario Kart 64, PilotWings 64, Wave Race 64, Killer Instinct 64, and the list goes on! Yeeeeeesh! I'm not really mad, but I think you guys could at least put some effort into the names of the games." He totally has a good point. But, here's the response: "So, you're saying you wouldn't be in favor of our plan to rename the magazine Nintendo Power 64?" Wow, what an asshole. "It is quite apparent what an active and important role marketing plays in the video game industry. I have to wonder what you are thinking when marketing the Nintendo 64 to elementary school gamers. You risk alienating gamers 15 and up. You should target older gamers, because you'll also target younger ones, since the younger audience's perception of coolness often depends on what the older, teenage audience thinks is cool." I agree. And the response? "Your suggestion inspired us to target more teens with our marketing, so tune in to a very special episode of Friends this week to see-" Okay, here's my letter. "Dear Nintendo Power editor, what the fuck is your problem?"
1906
1907Kyle Justin: ♪ Get the power! Nintendo Power! Get the clues that you can use! Nintendo Power! Higher and higher! Fighting your way through enemy fire! ♪
1908
1909(different shots are used while Kyle Justin sings Nintendo Power)
1910
1911Categories:
1912TranscriptsTranscripts of 2007 Angry Video Game Nerd episodes
1913Community content is available under CC-BY-SA unless otherwise noted.
1914Recent Wiki Activity
1915Mike Matei
1916Gokucock • 2 days ago
1917List of Angry Video Game Nerd Adventures Hazards and Enemies
1918Prabowo Muhammad • 3 days ago
1919Transcript of AVGN Episode Universal Studios Theme Parks Adventure
1920FrankRTWiw • 3 days ago
1921James & Mike Mondays
1922HorrorFan01 • 3 days ago
1923
1924
1925
1926
1927
1928Help us grow Angry Video Game Nerd Wiki!
1929GET STARTED
1930Popular Pages
1931
1932The Angry Video Game Nerd (character)
1933
1934List of Angry Video Game Nerd episodes
1935
1936
1937Nostalgia Critic
1938
1939
1940Mike Matei
1941
1942
1943Kyle Justin
1944
1945EXPLORE PROPERTIES
1946Fandom
1947Gamepedia
1948D&D Beyond
1949Muthead
1950Futhead
1951FOLLOW US
1952OVERVIEW
1953About
1954Careers
1955Press
1956Contact
1957Terms of Use
1958Privacy Policy
1959Global Sitemap
1960Local Sitemap
1961COMMUNITY
1962Community Central
1963Support
1964Help
1965ADVERTISE
1966Media Kit
1967Contact
1968FANDOM APPS
1969Take your favorite fandoms with you and never miss a beat.
1970D&D Beyond
1971Angry Video Game Nerd Wiki is a FANDOM Movies Community.
1972Follow Fandom Wikis on TwitterJokeyPsychEndgameHonestGalaxyQuest
1973
1974~~~~~~
1975
1976
1977GAMES
1978MOVIES
1979TV
1980VIDEO
1981WIKIS
1982Search
1983START A WIKI
1984Angry Video Game Nerd Wiki
1985Angry Video Game Nerd Wiki
1986592
1987PAGES
1988ADD NEW PAGE
1989POPULAR PAGES
1990COMMUNITY
1991EXPLORE
1992FORUM
1993in:
1994Transcripts of 2008 Angry Video Game Nerd episodes, Transcripts, Accessories and peripherals
1995Transcript of AVGN Episode NES Accessories
1996EDIT
1997 
1998COMMENTS (9)
1999 
2000SHARE
2001MV5BMjk4YWUzZTYtNWQzOS00YzhiLTg3YjQtMTM3Yjk0NTg2ODcyXkEyXkFqcGdeQXVyMTQzMjU1NjE@. V1 
2002Title card for episode.
2003
2004NES Accessories - Angry Video Game Nerd - Episode 47
2005NES Accessories - Angry Video Game Nerd - Episode 47
2006
2007(title card appears accompanied by the Ninja Gaiden Stage 2-2, Stage 4-1 music.)
2008
2009The Nerd: You got a game and a controller; that's the way it goes. But sometimes that wasn't enough. Nintendo was always coming up with creative and unique ways to play games. Today, there's the Wii and the DS stylus pen. But even in the early days with the NES, they were doing the same kind of thing. Some of them were pretty awesome at the time, but others were failed experiments that made you look like a jackass. So let's take a look at some of the NES accessories. I already talked about the Power Glove, we all know it's bad, so bad.
2010
2011Contents[show]
2012NES Zapper
2013The Nerd: Let's start with the Zapper. Back then we just called it "The Gun", because that's what it is. There's nothin' more satisfying than just shootin' the fuck outta things. It was the quintessential gaming accessory. Almost every console had their own version of "The Gun". Only problem: It doesn't work so great anymore. Depends on the game, the kind of TV you're using, and the gun itself. I have three of them. The first one is completely random: sometimes it makes its target, but most of the time, it doesn't.
2014
2015(The dog laughs after the duck is missed in Duck Hunt)
2016
2017The Nerd: The second one has a pattern, every other round it, like, goes dead. So here comes the two clay pigeons, I shoot 'em, no problem. Then, the next ones come out... I can't hit 'em, even if I press the thing against the screen. The third Zapper has the same problem, except that the pattern's swapped. The fuck is goin' on? Even the alleged light bulb trick doesn't work. Here, we have Wild Gunman. What, you gotta use your hands? That's like a baby's toy.
2018
2019(the Nerd plays a bunch of shooting games, then plays Duck Hunt with his cat on the TV, swatting at the ducks)
2020
2021The Nerd: (to his cat) Hey, get down!
2022
2023(the cat continues to chase the ducks on the TV until they fly away. The dog from Duck Hunt comes up to laugh at the Nerd, while the Nerd puts the gun to the screen to shoot the dog.)
2024
2025SNES Super Scope 6
2026The Nerd: The Super Nintendo also had its own gun; more like a big-ass bazooka: the Super Scope. If you're familiar with the Zapper, this one's a totally different story. The Zapper used light detection, that is when you pull the trigger, the screen goes black for a fraction of a second and the targets become white squares. The Zapper detects whether or not it's pointing at the light, hence the term "light gun" that everybody likes to call it. But the Super Scope uses a sensor that you plug into the Super Nintendo, much like the Wii and its Wii Zapper.
2027
2028The Nerd: Another thing about the Super Scope is that it isn't powered by the NES; it's wireless, which you'd think would be cool, but that means that you gotta use six double-A batteries, and this fuckin' beast drains 'em in a few hours. And why's the trigger on the top? It should be down here. This is balls. You'd think the Super Scope would be more reliable than the original Zapper, but it's not.
2029
2030The Nerd: Even if I point the gun in the same spot, the bullets just scatter all over the place. All because I'm using a flat-screen TV.
2031
2032Miracle Piano
2033The Nerd: Now let's look at the Miracle Piano. It's a miracle if I could figure this shit out. You might be thinking, "Wow, Nintendo had a piano?" Well, yeah, Nintendo had everything, but it was also available on other game consoles and home computers. It's got one game, which is basically a piano teaching tool. It's actually not bad.
2034
2035The Nerd: Well, that's really all there is to say. My only complaint is that the music comes from the keyboard, which is okay, but the metronome comes from the TV, and that can be a little confusing.
2036
2037The Nerd: Other than having standard lessons, you also get this robot game. Play the song right, or the robot dies. Then there's a duck game. You gotta shoot the ducks. Oh, come on!
2038
2039(the Nerd starts to mess the song notes up, and then starts banging on the piano keys)
2040
2041The Nerd: Yeah, I'm shootin' ducks with a piano!
2042
2043(The Nerd continues banging on the piano keys)
2044
2045Power Pad
2046The Nerd: Next, we have the Power Pad. You lay it on the floor, kinda like Twister. Let's pop in good ol' World Class Track Meet, and have a race, jump hurdles, and do the long jump or triple jump. The present-day equivalent of the Power Pad is Dance Dance Revolution, and there will also be a version on the Wii.
2047
2048The Nerd: It was meant to be a family game, but most kids I knew played it alone in their room, and that meant that if your room was upstairs, your parents would hear, like, all this thumping and shit; they hated it! Cats and dogs would piss and shit on it. In fact, just thinkin' about it, makes me feel like havin' an anal evacuation.
2049
2050(the Nerd plays World Class Track Meet, gradually growing tired and out of breath)
2051
2052The Nerd: Fuck this!
2053
2054(the Nerd falls to the floor and starts slapping the buttons rapidly with his hands until he wins, and is exhausted and takes a deep breath.)
2055
2056The Speedboard
2057The Nerd: Yeah, it all comes down to tapping buttons, which brings us to our next accessory, probably the stupidest thing ever invented: the SpeedBoard. What is it? It's a piece of fuckin' plastic! You attach your controller, you get it? In case you don't wanna hold the controller with your hands, in case you enjoy playing on the floor, or behind a table, then this is for you. It's embarrassing. What's the point? (reading from the SpeedBoards box) To "put the speed at your fingers"?! Why in the ass would I need that?!
2058
2059(shows gameplay footage from the NES Ghostbusters)
2060
2061The Nerd: If I'm playing a game that involves having to tap the buttons like crazy, I'm probably gonna get a turbo controller like the NES Max or NES Advantage. How could they even SELL such a thing? Even though it's made by a third-party company, it was actually licensed by Nintendo. It's like covering a turd in ice cream sprinkles.
2062
2063Konami LaserScope
2064The Nerd: Next up, oh boy: the Konami LaserScope. Now, I just wanna go on record by saying I fuckin' love Konami, but this thing reeks of ass! It's essentially yet another form of the Zapper, but it's voice-controlled. To shoot, you say "Fire"!
2065
2066The Nerd: (he shouts "FIRE!" seventeen times in a row to shoot with the game Laser Invasion) It also has headphones, and it advertises on the box that you can use it for your Game Boy or Walkman. Just detach the scope module... yeah. Wow. Yeah, I would look "so cool" walking around listening to my iPod with this fucking thing on my head.
2067
2068The Nerd: It also advertises that "parents will love what they don't hear". It says, "While the LaserScope surrounds the player with the sounds of exciting gameplay action, non-players can listen to music, read a book, talk on the phone, or have a conversation in the same room." Yeah, while you're saying "FIRE! FIRE! FIRE!", it kinda defeats the purpose, right? FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! Fuck!
2069
2070(the game shoots)
2071
2072The Nerd: I didn't say "Fire!", I said "Fuck!"
2073
2074(the game shoots again)
2075
2076The Nerd: FUCK! FUCK-FIRE! FUCK! FUCK! ASS! You can say anything. SHIT! BITCH! CUNT! FUCK! FART!
2077
2078(the game shoots as he swears)
2079
2080(the Nerd plays Duck Hunt with the LaserScope)
2081
2082The Nerd: FUCK!
2083
2084The Nerd: (chuckles) Wow, I just shot down a duck by sayin' "Fuck."
2085
2086(the Duck Hunt dog shows a dead duck.)
2087
2088Roll & Rocker
2089The Nerd: Next is the Roll & Rocker. This thing is the biggest shit-biscuit I've ever seen. You stand on it and supposedly you rock back and forth, which controls the D-Pad. The modern-day equivalent would be the Wii Fit.
2090
2091The Nerd: The Roll & Rocker is supposed to be compatible with every game for the NES, but I find that it isn't compatible with any of 'em. Each game responds differently, but none of them work. Adventure Island keeps walking right, Excitebike keeps going down, Skate or Die goes in circles, Kung Fu ducks to the right, Metal Gear does nothing at all, Ninja Turtles III walks in place, and 1943 just fidgets around a lot.
2092
2093The Nerd: It's another hunk of plastic! Who made this thing?!
2094
2095(the Nerd takes a closer look at the back to find it's made by LJN, the company notorious for publishing awful NES games.)
2096
2097The Nerd: (quietly but angrily) Son-of-a-bitch. (normally) Well, we might as well try a LJN game. Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice. Let's see if this works.
2098
2099(Beetlejuice just walks in place)
2100
2101The Nerd: No, of course not, it doesn't. It doesn't work, it just doesn't work. I need a beer.
2102
2103(the Nerd drinks a bottle of Rolling Rock and discovers something that amazes him.)
2104
2105The Nerd: I'm drinkin' Rolling Rock... on the Roll & Rocker! Rolling Rock, Roll & Rocker! Yeah, Rolling Rock ON the Roll & Rocker!
2106
2107(the Nerd drinks more Rolling Rock)
2108
2109The Nerd: I've also heard that you can't weigh more than a hundred pounds, but I still don't understand why I can't get any kind of response out of it. (The Nerd kicks the Roll & Rocker out of sight) Let's try the cat. (Puts the cat on the Roll & Rocker) Get on there, you little bastard.
2110
2111(the cat stays on the Roll & Rocker for awhile, then walks off)
2112
2113The Nerd: (scoffs) Cat's like, "Fuck that shit!" Even though the Roll & Rocker does absolutely nothing, the B and A buttons still work. Yeah. You plug the regular controller into it, so while you're standing on the thing, you still use the B and A buttons like normal. So even if it did work, what's the point?! If I'm holding the controller anyway, why not just use the controller?!
2114
2115The Nerd: It blows my mind! It's like, "What were they thinking?!"
2116
2117U-Force
2118The Nerd: One more: the U-Force. So hot, nothing can touch it. Nothing comes between you and the game. That's what the advertisement said. You open the thing up, it basically looks like Electronic Battleship. It's got a 3-Dimensional invisible power field. Wow, a power field? Now, we're literally playing with power.
2119
2120(the Nerd plays Super Mario Bros.)
2121
2122The Nerd: Come on, jump. Jump! Come on, Mario, jump! God, how do I jump? Come on, jump!
2123
2124(Mario dies)
2125
2126The Nerd: ASS!
2127
2128The Nerd: Oh, jump is over here, alright here we go.
2129
2130The Nerd: Get the mushroom--(exclaims) Aw, now that's ass-y! Yeah, I know I use the word "ass" a lot, I guess you could say I'm an ass-a-holic.
2131
2132The Nerd: Let's try Kung Fu. Yeah, I'm honestly surprised, this thing kinda works. Looking at the instructions, each game has a specific set-up and a switch combination, kinda like the codes with the Power Glove.
2133
2134Punch-Out!! uses an upright position and a Power Bar. Everything's always power. What's so power about it? It's only a plastic bar, and why do you need it?
2135
2136(the Nerd plays Punch Out!!)
2137
2138The Nerd: Yeah, now that's what I'm talkin' about, this actually works! I'm punchin' somebody with the U-Force! Oh, watch out! (Exclaims) (Little Mac gets knocked down) Get up, get up, get up! Alright.
2139
2140The Nerd: Alright. One more game. I can't believe we gotta touch this one again.
2141
2142(the Nerd flashes Top Gun for the NES)
2143
2144The Nerd: Top Gun has an option of using this weird joystick thing. I don't see the point when I can just use an actual joystick, and what's really weird is that this thing is, again, is just a piece of plastic. It doesn't have any wires connecting to it, you just plant it there. And the buttons actually work, and it steers okay, too. To tell you the truth, I'm stunned.
2145
2146(The Nerd gets to the dreaded landing sequence, confident that he'll be able to successfully land the plane. Just when he thinks he's finally landed the plane, it goes over the aircraft carrier and blows up in the water.)
2147
2148The Nerd: (in a "manly" voice) ASS!
2149
2150(Shows Top Gun Game Over screen)
2151
2152The Nerd: So, that covers most of the dreaded NES accessories. But, I know that there's one in particular that I didn't mention, (R.O.B. peeps up behind the Nerd briefly as he speaks.) but, you know, can't do it all in one shot. So, we'll save it 'til later, I'll see you next time, (puts on Indiana Jones' signature fedora.) I think you know what's next.
2153
2154Categories:
2155Transcripts of 2008 Angry Video Game Nerd episodesTranscriptsAccessories and peripherals
2156Community content is available under CC-BY-SA unless otherwise noted.
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2160List of Angry Video Game Nerd Adventures Hazards and Enemies
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2163FrankRTWiw • 3 days ago
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2239Transcript of AVGN episode Atari 5200
2240EDIT
2241 
2242COMMENTS (9)
2243 
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2245Tumblr mbtpp6ZZxl1riljbgo1 1280
2246The title card for the episode.
2247
2248Atari 5200 - Angry Video Game Nerd - Episode 20
2249Atari 5200 - Angry Video Game Nerd - Episode 20
2250
2251(Shots of various Atari 2600 games) This is a video game. This is what you immediately think of whenever you hear the term. It's the Atari 2600, and it defines the word "classic". (He gives the Atari 2600 a thumbs-up.)
2252Even though the games are so simple and the graphics so primitive, it has a charm that will never be matched. The objects and characters just barely represent what they're supposed to be, but that's the whole beauty of it; that you have to use your imagination. The sound effects? (Atari 2600 sound effects) Just awesome. And the lack of music just enhances the mood. It's that special kind of atmosphere when it's the middle of the night, and you're sitting in the glow of your TV with the sound of crickets. (Shot of the Nerd playing a game in the dark, with the glow of the TV on his face and the chirping of crickets in the background.)
2253
2254The Atari had the longest lifespan of any home video game system, and when people say "Atari," they're usually referring to the 2600. But, in between its existence, Atari made other systems which came and went. And one of these was the Atari 5200. It was meant to replace the 2600, although ironically, it failed and faded away while the 2600 lived on. Why don't many people remember this, and why did it die off so quick?
2255
2256(The Nerd holds the Atari 5200 and glares at it.) Because it's a pile of fuckin' shit! Why? Well, just look at it. Look at how huge this beast is. It's ginormous. And why is there a door on it? Is this a video game console or a fuckin' closet? Even the AC adapter weighs a million tons. (he tries to lift it, but drops it and an earthquake happens) So, I'm gonna plug this son of a bitch in here. (Plugs AC adapter in.) There we go. Get all this shit outta the way.
2257
2258Now, where do I plug the other end in? Doesn't it go into the Atari? Well, you can look all over the system, but there's no power connector. There's a separate box that you have to plug it in. Now seriously, have you ever seen one of these? Other than the Atari 5200, I haven't. So, you plug this bastard in, then there's this one wire coming out of the system, so you plug that in the box. (electric current) Whoa! Did you see that? That can't be good. Look, sparks. No joke. So anyway, the AC adapter and the TV actually share the same wire.
2259
2260So, I don't know what they were thinking. I mean, maybe they were thinking it would be more convenient to have less wires running across your floor, but they knew they fucked up because later, they re-released the Atari 5200 with the traditional two separate wires instead of just, you know, this thing. But that one had two controller ports instead of four, I think.
2261
2262Now, we want to hook this thing up to that TV, but it's not going to be easy. I mean, just look at all these games. And every one of them has their own AC adapter and RCA cables or those weird box things; all going to the same TV. So, I don't know how we're going to do it, but we got to get back there and plug this sucker in. (We see the Nerd feeling for the plug at the back of the TV as the Super Mario Bros. underground theme starts playing. Super Mario Bros. "Hurry Up!" plays. To make it easier, he takes the TV out to make sure it's still there, but box cables and AC adapters are following it, so he puts it back, hitting his head in the process, as the Super Mario Bros. Death Music plays.)
2263
2264That TV is just out of the question. It's a little too busy back there. But, that's okay because I believe the only true way to play Atari... (Turns camera so we see his '80s TV) ...is on an old piece of shit like that. (Spy Hunter (NES) music plays as he tries to plug the TV in, but the cable isn't long enough.) Damn! (He sees the cable stuck by the TV.) Damn! (He tries to plug it in again, but gives up.) Damn, damn! (Blaster Master (NES) Area 1 music plays as we see him go into his closet to get an extension cord, which he plugs into the power strip, then plugs the TV cable into one of its slots. He then trips over the cable.) Ahhhh! Fuck! (He then turns on the TV as "Gang-Plank Galleon" from Donkey Kong Country plays, puts the 5200 on the floor, then tries to plug the box into the TV.) Ugh. (sighs) Son of a bitch! (He tries to tug the wire from behind the other TV, but it doesn't work, so he picks up the old TV while he grunts, but the stuck cable on the stand makes him drop it on his foot, screams in pain.) AAAAGGH! FUCK-FUCK-FUCK-FUCK-FUCK-FUCK-FUCK-FUCK-FUCK-FUCK-FUCK!
2265
2266Now, after all that trouble I went through, let’s play some damn games. Well, we haven't played the games yet, but I can definitely tell you the cartridges suck, because they don't have end-labels. I mean, come on. The Atari 2600 games were all conveniently labeled so you can easily pick out a game, but the 5200, you have to pull each one out to see them. I mean, what a bunch of shit. Alright, let's try this one out. So, okay. Here we go. Now, listen. When you hit the power button, the box makes this weird clicking sound. (He turns it on, box clicks) I'm afraid this thing might blow up.
2267
2268("Big Earl Bump" from ToeJam and Earl plays. The Nerd tries out Space Invaders, but his controller doesn't work; the same thing happens with Kaboom! and Frogger.) This controller is a piece of shit. (CGI "piece of shit" replaces the Atari 5200 controller in his hand.) What's the most important aspect about any fuckin' game? Well, being able to fuckin' play it. And what do you need to fuckin' play it? A fuckin' controller. So, what do you do when the controller doesn't work? You're fucked. This is the reason the system failed. This! In the name of God, Heaven and Hell, everything in between, every creature on Earth, by the far reaches of the galaxy, by the inner rims of the universe, and every megaverse in the ultraverse, let it be known, let the word be known: This controller is fuckin' horrible! (Takes a bottle of Rolling Rock out of the door on the 5200 and takes a swig.)
2269
2270Well, to tell you the truth, it is true that the controllers were notorious for malfunction, but they were pretty innovative for their time. For one thing, they're analog, so they're capable of more sensitive movement. They also have a pause button which, believe it or not, was a new thing back then. Also, there's these two buttons on each side which I think was a bit excessive for these type of games. Then there's all these numeric buttons. Like, what the shit is this? Is this thing a phone? Like, what is all this for? Is it like, talking to intergalactic space aliens, flying fuckernauts or astro-bastards?
2271
2272Now, there's another one: the Trak-Ball controller, but it's an ungodly abomination that begs for apocalypse. (The Nerd takes the controller out of the box and holds it, apparently amazed on how big it is.) Look at it. It's like as big as a VCR or DVD player. It's big enough to be the game system, let alone the controller. Look, it's almost as big as a Nintendo, I mean, no, look. I think it's slightly bigger than the Nintendo. What a beast! But, the ultimate question is "Does it work?" Well, does it? (He tries playing Super Breakout with the Trak-Ball controller, but it doesn't work.) No, it doesn't.
2273
2274(Takes another swig of Rolling Rock) What a piece of shit. Well, we can't play the games, but we can at least look at them. (The Nerd watches the Pole Position demo while drinking Rolling Rock.) We don't have to stand for this shit. There exist alternatives. Did you know that you can plug a Sega Genesis controller into an Atari 2600, and it will work? See, that's the interesting thing about Atari; you can find all kinds of different... stuff that's compatible. As for the 5200, there exist third-party controllers made for the reason of replacing the shitty controller that the system came with. So, let's take a trip into the cyber world known as the Internet, and take a look.
2275
2276(He goes on the Internet, looking for a working controller, which he does; the auction page reads "ATARI 5200 CONTROLLER - works fucking better!".) There we go. (He buys it, then we see footage from the NES version of "Paperboy," and the package arrives, hitting him on the head. He groans when it does. He opens the package, exploding into packing peanuts.) Alright. Okay. Let's play this bitch. (he tries to plug it into the 5200, but the plug won't fit because there aren't enough pins. The Super Mario Bros. Game Over music plays) FUUUUUCCK!
2277
2278Trivia
2279The Wico 5200 controller requires a Y-cable to plug in to the keypad to the Atari 5200.
2280
2281Categories:
2282Transcripts of 2007 Angry Video Game Nerd episodesTranscripts
2283Community content is available under CC-BY-SA unless otherwise noted.
2284Recent Wiki Activity
2285Mike Matei
2286Gokucock • 2 days ago
2287List of Angry Video Game Nerd Adventures Hazards and Enemies
2288Prabowo Muhammad • 3 days ago
2289Transcript of AVGN Episode Universal Studios Theme Parks Adventure
2290FrankRTWiw • 3 days ago
2291James & Mike Mondays
2292HorrorFan01 • 3 days ago
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2309
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2366Transcript of AVGN episode Ghostbusters
2367EDIT
2368 
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2370 
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2372MV5BN2ExNDk2N2MtMGFjNy00MDIyLWJiMjUtNzY1NWQ4YTZlYmEzXkEyXkFqcGdeQXVyMTQzMjU1NjE@. V1 
2373Ghostbusters - NES - Angry Video Game Nerd - Episode 21
2374Ghostbusters - NES - Angry Video Game Nerd - Episode 21
2375
2376Ghostbusters! It was one of the most successful comedies of the '80s and one of the most popular franchises I remember as a kid. There's a sequel, a cartoon series that ran for 7 seasons, a huge amount of merchandise and a line of action figures.
2377
2378(The next part has the Nerd playing with his Ghostbusters toys) You got the firehouse which was awesome, you got the Ecto-1, you got Slimer, the Marshmallow Man. Yeah, he's a little dirty, ya know; the dog shoved 'im up his ass. You had all the Ghostbusters, then they came out with versions that made facial expressions. Then there's this car that turns into some praying mantis or somethin'. Then you had all these weird ones that I don't even remember from the show. This one, I don't think- (realizes that the figure is Belle from Beauty and the Beast) oh wait, that's not mine, get that the fuck outta here! (throws Belle)
2379
2380(The Nerd walks away from the camera and turns around to show his plastic proton pack) And every kid on the block needed a proton pack. And even though it's plastic, in our minds, it's an unlicensed nuclear accelerator. (WHIZZ!) Then you've got the ghost trap, which doesn't work anymore 'cause it's a piece of shit. Then you got the PKE meter which always reads ".03" and always shows a ghost.
2381
2382So, I just wanted to take you back to the '80s, when Ghostbusters and Nintendo were the best things in the world. Now, the Nintendo Entertainment System, I believe needs no introduction. So, when we heard that a Ghostbusters game for Nintendo was coming out, we were so excited we shit our pants. (shows a drawing from Mike Matei of James and Mike as kids saying "GHOSTBUSTERS!") Literally, shit came out our asses and we rocketed through the roof! (a drawing from Mike Matei of James and Mike literally breaking through the roof of a house by shitting their pants) It was two of our favorite things comin' together, should have been like bread and butter. But more like dead skunk and dog shit!
2383
2384(He inserts the cartridge into the NES.)
2385
2386You pop this piece of crap in, expecting Ghostbusters, and whaddya get? Well, Ghostbusters. Got the logo there, looks promising enough. But are you willing to bet that it's gonna get really bad once you start playin'? Yeah, well, guess what? It gets bad as soon as you press the Start button. (The Nerd presses the Start button)
2387
2388(an extremely low-bit GHOSTBUSTERS!!! sound can be heard on the TV) The fuck was that?! (the low-bit GHOSTBUSTERS!!! can be heard again, then the Nerd mocks it) "Gowsht Bushtersh!!!" (the low-bit GHOSTBUSTERS!!! can be heard yet again) Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not tryna to criticize the game for its lack of voice clarity, but ya hear how bad this sounds? Let this set the tone for the rest of the game.
2389
2390(Game starts) So, here's the main screen. This is it. This is Ghostbusters on Nintendo. This is my wasted childhood you're lookin' at. I don't even need to comment. Just look at it, it's shits for the birds! (he appears in the bottom-right corner of screen) Okay, we gotta come up with a game about Ghostbusters, what can we do? How about just have the Ghostbusters logo floatin' around playin' tag with cute, little yellow ghosts? So if you like Ghostbusters, it's right up your alley. More like up your ASS! (disappears from bottom-right corner)
2391
2392Now for music, you got the Ghostbusters theme song, which sounds like a decent 8-bit rendition, but there's one problem: it's the only song in the whole game. And it NEVER, EVER stops. It starts playing from the first screen all the way to the end of the game. It drones over you, makes your brain go numb, and then, when it gets to the end of the song, it pauses for a second, then it loops again. So, you better get used to it. But, let me tell you, that one second when the music stops, it feels so satisfying to hear dead silence, even for one brief moment to put your mind at peace.
2393
2394So, seriously, what am I doin'? Why am I just a Ghostbusters logo floatin' around playin' tag with ghosts? Well, from what I understand, the more ghosts that go into the Zuul building in the center, the more the PKE energy goes up. I guess. (shows the ghosts going into the Zuul building sped up, the PKE meter going up) What happens if it goes up all the way? (The Marshmallow Man appears and destroys a building) I dunno, So, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man appears or some shit like that, but I'm not here to try and figure out how the game works, I'm here to retell my experience as a gamer.
2395
2396Now, what am I tryna to do? (a white box appears) What is this white box that keeps appearin' when I press the B button? Well, I'll explain later. So, here's what you're supposed to do: you need to find which buildings have ghosts in them and they vary at any point in the game, so you need to go around the city and when you touch certain buildings, they blink red, and that means that there's a ghost in there. You try to enter, and whoops, you can't do that yet, you need to buy your proton pack and ghost traps. The Ghostbusters don't have their own equipment, so they have to go buy it from a store.
2397
2398(Enters the store) So this is it, this is the Ghostbusting store. When and where would there ever exist a store that sells equipment for catching ghosts? And if the Ghostbusters aren't inventing their own gadgets, then who the Hell is? Anyway, buy your shit, then get out. Now we can see that that weird white box shows you what equipment you have, and you can hold four items at a time. Go find a blinking red building and then go in.
2399
2400(a street is shown with the Ecto-1 driving down a road) Now you're in the Ecto-1, drivin' down the road, and why you still have to drive to the building is beyond me. On the map screen, it looks like you're right there and when you move all around, you don't have to drive. Only when you're already at the building do you need to drive, there. Well, every other car in the city is out to hit you. They move back and forth, nobody stays in their lane, so it seems like the city actually has a bigger problem with drunk drivers than it does with ghosts. Oh, and guess what? When the cars hit you, who has to pay for the damage? You do. That's right, every car that hits you takes a few hundred dollars away; it's bullshit.
2401
2402So ya get to the building to capture the ghosts. Drop the trap, catch the ghosts with your beam, bring 'em to the trap, open the trap and time it so the ghosts get dragged in by that... that white thing that goes up and down. So keep goin' around finding buildings to go in, avoid drunken drivers and catch more ghosts. When you catch ghosts, you get money, and you're gonna need it to buy other stupid shit, later. And there's a time limit, so when you're catchin' these ghosts, your goal is to catch as many of them as you can. Most of the time, you'll probably be able to get all four of 'em, but sometimes, they go somewhere you can't reach without buyin' a longer beam. But GOOD LUCK CATCHIN' ENOUGH OF THEM SO YOU CAN AFFORD A LONGER BEAM! Sometimes they go too low, and you can't reach 'em there either. Now, whatever you do, DON'T cross the streams. This is an important safety tip, thanks to Egon from the movie. It would cause a total protonic reversal; try to imagine all life as you know stopping instantaneously and every molecule in your body exploding at the speed of light. (crosses the streams, the Ghostbusters turn into pixels and a funny 8-bit noise is heard) Now THAT'S epic.
2403
2404Now, every time you catch a ghost, you can't re-use the same trap, so if you try to enter a building you might get a message that says, "You need an empty ghost trap." So you need to go to the Ghostbuster Headquarters to empty the traps. When you get there, you may be baffled to see that the size of the car is the same size as the building. So as you're constantly runnin' around, emptyin' your traps, you'll keep running'out of gas! That's right, you can run outta gas in the game. How'd you get gas? You need to go to the gas station. What happens if you run outta gas? Two little fuckballs get out to push the car. (runs out of gas, 2 Ghostbusters come out of car and push it) Do you really have to go the gas station, at all? No, you can also slam in the gas tanks on the highway. So, fuck the gas station. I wish it was that easy in real life. Need gas? Just run over the gas containers. (drives car over gas container)
2405
2406So, because needing to get gas, needing to empty your ghost traps and needing to buy stupid shit, are all such a big part of the game, it would be wise from the beginning to buy a "Super Trap" as one of your first items. This trap you don't need to empty, so the regular trap is just a piece of crap! Another thing you might wanna buy is the "Ghost Vacuum". It's a vacuum that goes on the top of your car to suck ghosts in, which is a good idea to get a little extra money, so you can hopefully make up for some damage that the drunk drivers cause.
2407
2408A ghost vacuum. Does there exist any store that sells... a ghost vacuum? Let's find out. (The Nerd turns on his cellphone and punches in a phone number)
2409
2410The Nerd: "Hi, do you sell vacuums?"
2411
2412
2413Manager: "Uh, yes."
2414
2415
2416The Nerd: "Um, yeah, uh, I'm lookin' for a special kinda vacuum. It's like, shaped like a funnel, sorta."
2417
2418
2419Manager: "Hmm, what kind of vacuum?"
2420
2421
2422The Nerd: "It's like, shaped like a funnel, like you put it on the roof of your car."
2423
2424
2425Manager: "You want a vacuum to clean your car?"
2426
2427
2428The Nerd: "No, you put it on the top of your car... like while you're drivin'...?"
2429
2430
2431Manager: "To, t-,t-, you want a vacuum to clean?"
2432
2433
2434The Nerd: "No, y'know, these vacuums are for catchin' ghosts..." (The Nerd struggles to contain laughter)
2435
2436Well, apparently these vacuums don't exist in real life, so if you wanna suck up ghosts on the roof of your car, you're gonna have to do it in this game. Really hate these driving stages. Naturally, you wanna speed up to get 'em over with, but when you speed up, your car goes to the top of the screen and you can't see what's comin' at you, whether it be ghosts you're tryna to catch, gas barrels or drunk drivers. (he hits a car) FUCK! Assholes! So, you might be wondering, is this all you do in the game? Just go from building to building, catching ghosts and dodging cars? Well, yes, this is all you do. I am dead fuckin' serious.
2437
2438The main idea is to go into the Zuul building, but you can't do that until the game says you can. How it decides that, I don't have a fuckin' clue. Maybe it has somethin' to do with how many ghosts you catch, or when the PKE energy gets to a certain number, which would probably mean just letting the ghosts go in. So, I dunno, for whatever reason you're not allowed to go into the Zuul building right away. M-maybe there's like, an invisible barrier... that takes like, a fuckin' hour to go away! Also, why is it called the Zuul building? If it's meant to be named after the main villain in the movie, it should be Gozer. (shows movie clips from the movie) Gozer had two minions - the Key Master, also known as Vinz Clortho, and the Gate Keeper, also known as Zuul. So, why is the building in the game named after Zuul? Who knows...
2439
2440So anyway, it takes forever to be allowed entry into this building, so, in the meantime, you just keep catchin' ghosts. After doin' this for so long, you start to wonder: who pays you to catch the ghosts anyway? And why are the ghosts so generic, innocent and cute-lookin'? They don't do anything to you, so why are you bustin' 'em? Because bustin' makes ya feel good? Well, don't the ghosts have a right to death? Obviously, I'm thinkin' too deep about it, but that's what happens. That's what happens when you play such a boring-ass shitty game, your mind gets delirious! Yeah, right now, I feel like I'm goin' fuckin' crazy.
2441
2442So, finally you get a message that says, "ENTER ZUUL BUILDING", but it's at the very bottom of the screen, so you need to be paying attention. Seriously, half the time I don't really notice it, because I'm not lookin' down there. A little sound cue would've helped! Ya fuckers. Now you go into the building and it's a breath of fresh air to see somethin' different; but unlike the rest of the ghosts in the game, these ones harm you. In order to move through this stage, you have to keep tapping the A button, as fast as you can. W-Why couldn't you just use the Control Pad? Now you move so slow, the ghosts are impossible to dodge and constantly goin' up the stairs doesn't help, either, since you're basically defenseless. You can't get away when you're on the stairs. Now, when the ghosts touch you a few times, you fall, and when you fall 3 times you're dead, then the game's over and if you wanna try again, you gotta start all over from the beginning.
2443
2444Now let me ask this: why can't the Ghostbusters use their proton beams here? Well, let me answer my own question: that would mean making the game resemble a decent Side-scroller Shooter and the problem there, is that the game would actually be kinda good, and apparently, that wasn't what they were goin' for.
2445
2446So, playin' through the game a second time, just for another shot at that damn stairway, it would be wise to invest in some items to help you out. There's an "Anti-Ghost Suit" that supposedly gives you maybe two extra hits from the ghosts. Then there's the ghost bait. What kind of food would ghosts eat? Then there's the "Sound Generator" which I think slows the ghosts down, but forget about it, it's too fuckin' expensive. So anyway, now you know why a lotta these items are so important; you need every bit of help you can get. But you'll never have enough money to buy everything in this game, especially when you keep getting hit by the drunks and- (runs out of gas) Fuck! I'm outta gas! Really sucks that you need to keep re-fueling your car. It sucks even harder that the gas costs money too, more money than it does in real life! So you need to keep catchin' ghosts for money, you spend the money on the gas that you need to catch more ghosts and it just keeps on going. It's an endless cycle!
2447
2448Eventually, you see the "ENTER ZUUL BUILDING" message again, but sometimes, you're not fuckin' ready because there's equipment that you still need to buy in order to get up the stairs. The offer to enter is only good for a short period of time, so by the time you catch enough ghosts, make enough money and buy the gear you want, it's too late to enter the building. The only way to get that offer again is to go catch more ghosts and wait another hour, or however long it takes. The only sure way to be able to go in the first time is to trade your traps and ghost vacuum and whatever other equipment you don't need for the stairway stage; you can only hold four items at a time, anyway, so you absolutely need to trade something in. But, by the time you get the message, drive to the store, trade your shit in, buy the stuff you need and come back to the ZUUL building, you're too fuckin' late! So, what do you gotta do now? CATCH MORE FUCKIN' GHOSTS! So, go back to the fuckin' store again, trade your regular stuff back and- FUCK! I HATE this fuckin' game! WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?!
2449
2450Well... let's try to get through this stairway and hopefully see the end of the game. I think one of the problems is that my thumb gets tired pressin' the button, so to Hell with this controller; we're goin' Turbo. (Gets out an NES MAX controller)
2451
2452Alright, drop the damn food. (he drops the bait, and the ghosts slowly move towards the food) Get the fuckin' food. Get outta my way. Outta my way, you bitches! (he goes up the stairs, but the ghosts follow him again) The ghost bait doesn't do shit! Even if you outrun the ghosts, they never leave the screen. Once you start climbin' the stairs, they scroll up with you, and as soon as the ghost bait's off screen, the ghosts start chasin' you again, so what's the point of dropping the ghost bait if you're not allowed to go up the stairs to get away?! What am I just gonna do, just, drop the bait and stand there? Why would I do that? Oh, my God - now they're right in the way! How am I gonna get up there? Oh c'mon, c'mon, oop, I think I can just barely do it, oop, aaaah, there we go. Oop, oh oh oooh, right in between two of 'em, how do you like that? Ooh man, uh-oh, oh my God! Uuuuuh! (he loses again) Oh, fuck! FUCK!
2453
2454(Shows a NES Game Genie) Oh, please, Game Genie, grant me three wishes! (attaches Game Genie to "Ghostbusters" cart, and inserts it into NES) That's right, we're gonna cheat, but there's only one cheat I care about: immunity to ghosts on the stairway. (enters Game Genie code OXOXKPVK)
2455
2456Well, at least now I can't get killed by the ghosts, but that still means that it takes all day to get up the fuckin' stairs. It just keeps going. Even if you did it with the Control Pad, it would be tedious, but the fact that you're s'posed to tap the button the whole time and dodge ghosts? And I've counted: there's twenty-two floors! Do you think THAT'S enough?! I mean, what the fuck were they fuckin' thinkin'?! This is the worst game I've ever played in my life. It's worse than Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde... well, maybe not that bad... (he gets to the top of the ZUUL building, and the Ghostbusters run really fast.) An-and then they run?! (shows them moving slowly) They move like slugs the whole fuckin' time, but as soon as they get to the top, they run like they've got propellers in their asses! (shows them running)
2457
2458Well, here's the last screen of the game... and it looks like shit. The whole layout is designed like a grid with a flat grey floor; there's no background, it's just black, the little ghosts with their tongues stickin' out look like kindergarten Halloween decorations, and neither Gozer or the dogs move. Hey, I can even name the dogs: that's Vinz Clortho and Zuul. Zuul apparently bought the building that they're standing on.
2459
2460Now, you know what's really shocking about this part? You're movin' around, dodging projectiles and shooting at things? Kinda like a game... Surprising, right? I mean, this is the closest moment that this piece of shit ever comes to possibly being decent. But you know what's really annoying? Every time you ever go anywhere near the bottom of the screen, this happens. (Marshmallow Man climbs up the side of the building, climbing higher each time) Say hello to Mr. Stay Puft climbin' the building. I dunno what the point is, but every time when you accidentally go down there, Stay Puft's higher up the building. I can guess that when he reaches the top, that can't be good, so let's show this prehistoric bitch how we do things downtown!
2461
2462Oh, I'm gonna get ya. Oh, you're gonna get it. Come on, here we go, oh, there ya go! Yeeeeaah! Alright, c'mon take it, you fuckin' bitch! THIS CHICK IS TOAST! (screen flashes) What the fuck?
2463
2464(The end screen is shown) (Zoom in on "CONGLATURATION !!!") What?! (Zoom in on "PROOVED") Wh-whaat?! (Zoom in on "A GREAT GAME") (The Nerd starts to laugh)
2465
2466Ghostbusters (Follow-Up)
2467
2468Ghostbusters (Conclusion)
2469
2470Categories:
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2567MV5BMjFiMjFkZmUtOWU3OS00OTU5LWI4NmUtNDY4YzlkZWYxNzI2XkEyXkFqcGdeQXVyNjM0NzMyNTQ@. V1 
2568Ghostbusters (Part 2) - Angry Video Game Nerd - Episode 22
2569Ghostbusters (Part 2) - Angry Video Game Nerd - Episode 22
2570
2571The Nerd: Ghostbusters on Nintendo sucks ass. But if you’ve seen my review of it, you already know that! So why am I reviewing it again? Because it's such an inhumane pile of shit that it deserves it!
2572
2573Contents[show]
2574Five Things About Ghostbusters on NES
2575​The Nerd: Well, this time, I'm over the shock at how fuckin' horrible this game is, so I'm gonna be a little more constructive. Here are five things that should have been improved.
2576
2577​The Nerd: #1 is gonna be a "Spell Check".
2578
2579(BOOM!)
2580
2581​The Nerd: Let's play teacher and grade this piece of shit. Since it's really short, let's say 10 points off for every error out of a possible 100. So, okay, you ready? Here we go.
2582
2583​The Nerd: Well, first of all, congratulation's spelled wrong. But it's not even a simple typo; two letters in two different places are wrong, which probably means they really didn't know how to spell it. So that's 20 points off for that, just because it's such an atrocious misspelling. But then, why isn't it plural? You don't usually say, "Congratulation!”, you say, "Congratulations!", so technically that's nothing to do with the spelling; it's a different error altogether. So, that's another 10 points for that. Then, "You've completed a great game"? Well, that's just simply wrong; 20 points for that statement. Even if it was a great game, it shouldn't have to announce it. So then you have a punctuation error, because the next sentence begins with "and". Then you've got an extra O in "prooved". And proved what? "Proved the justice of our culture"? So, it's saying that, "you proved that our culture has justice"? I dunno. "Now go and rest our heroes!" instead of "Now go and rest," comma, "our heroes!", it's telling you to go rest our heroes.
2584
2585​The Nerd: Okay, well, sorry to say, but we had to take off 90 points. But, hey, a score of 10% means that there's still hope. But wait. Is there any reason that there's one exclamation mark here and then there's three up there? That's another 10 points off for lack of consistency, with a total score of 0. F-. It should have said, "Congratulations! You had the patience to sit through this awful game. You proved your nerdiness. Now go fuck yourself!"
2586
2587​The Nerd: Now, movin' on to #2, the second thing in this game that should've been improved would have been a better use of "Ghostbuster Characters".
2588
2589(BOOM!)
2590
2591​The Nerd: After all, this is a game about the Ghostbusters. It could at least acknowledge Egon, Ray, Peter, and Winston. Even the first Ninja Turtles game on Nintendo had all four of the Turtles. There's supposed to be four Ghostbusters as well. But try counting them in the game. There's two who fight the ghosts, three who enter the Zuul building, two who fight Gozer, and three who enter the headquarters. Now, look closely at the Ghostbusters. Notice they're all white, which obviously means there's no Winston. (Shows a picture of Ernie Hudson, Winston's actor in the "Ghostbusters" movie) Ernie Hudson, maybe you're glad that you got left out of this crappy game.
2592
2593​The Nerd: So, #3 is going to be "Better Graphics".
2594
2595(BOOM!)
2596
2597​The Nerd: The whole game is just unappealing to look at. There's so much gray in the color scheme. It's dull, depressing, and lifeless. Where's the color? Why is there so much gray? Nothing even looks like what it's supposed to be. The proton beams look like a line of diamonds; the ghosts, like I said, are generic and stereotypical, all the same, and none taken from the movie, and the Ghostbusters look like aliens. And when they get out to push the car, they definitely don't look like Ghostbusters. They don't even resemble human beings.
2598
2599​The Nerd: #4: "Better Sound".
2600
2601(BOOM!)
2602
2603​The Nerd: As I've mentioned, the music is tiring, to say the least. The game's Ghostbusters, but that doesn't mean we have to hear the Ghostbusters theme the whole time. A little more musical variety would have helped. Not to mention, more sound effects. (HMMMMM)
2604
2605​The Nerd: And, at last, #5, yet the most important thing of all that could've been improved, "Better Gameplay".
2606
2607(BOOM!)
2608
2609​The Nerd: This is seriously one of the most boring fuckin' games I've ever played in my life. Having to buy stuff and getting gas SHOULD NOT have been a part of the game, whatsoever. Ghostbusters should've just involved goin' around blasting ghosts. But why was that so fuckin' hard to accomplish? Couldn't it at least have more stages? Let's count 'em. Ignoring the map screen or the store, there's the driving scene, the ghostbusting scene, the stairwell, and Gozer. That's it. four stages. I can count all the levels in the game on one hand. If this is supposed to be a game based on a successful movie, why can't it have more stages inspired by scenes from the movie? It sucks. Sucks, just like a ghost vacuum.
2610
2611​The Nerd: Well, ya heard me rant about Ghostbusters, and ya heard me rant about it again! Well, since we're on the topic, let's check out Ghostbusters on the Atari 2600.
2612
2613Ghostbusters (Atari 2600)
2614(Game starts)
2615
2616​The Nerd: The game starts up right away at the demo screen, so you hit "Game Reset", and then the game begins with the store. So, you buy your shit, which is really weird-lookin'; I dunno know what these things are that you're supposed to be buyin'. But just buy 'em and then leave. Then leave. LEAVE! Fuck! You're s'posed to play with the difficulty switches to leave the store, but most of the time, it doesn't work. So, reset the game, buy your shit again, then leave. Leave! There we go. It's nothin' but trouble. I mean, I can't even get the picture to come in clear.
2617
2618​The Nerd: Now, the first thing I notice is that there aren't any buildings, it just looks like parks. And the driving scene, your car is so big, it takes up the whole screen. And it looks like there's a mangled rubber chicken on the hood. There's no other drivers on the road, so there's really no point of these driving scenes, other than occasionally to suck up a ghost.
2619
2620​The Nerd: The ghost catching scenes are just awkward, I mean, no matter what I do, I can't catch the ghost. It's like the game just does whatever it wants. Alright, here we go, we got him, we got him, oh, ah, fuck! Alright, drop the trap, shoot, shoot, shoot, ah, ya fuck! Ah, we got 'im, move him over, move him over, oh, fuck! Shoot the other way! The other way! Oh, well, we got 'im.
2621
2622​The Nerd: Well, basically, it's the same shitty Ghostbusters game, except it's Atari. So it's appropriate for its time. It was also on the Commodore 64, so, at the time, this was a decent game. But on the Nintendo Entertainment System, you'd expect something better. (He takes game out, shakes head, and throws it.)
2623
2624Ghostbusters (Sega Master System)
2625​The Nerd: Well, believe it or not, the Sega Master System version was superior. Let's check it out.
2626
2627(Title screen appears)
2628
2629​The Nerd: You got a good opening screen, the music sounds a little more lively, and you got that little bouncy ball karaoke thing goin' on. ("If there's something strange in your neighborhood, who you gonna call? GHOSTBUSTERS!") On the first screen, you get to select your car. Well, why the fuck would I want those other ones? I want the Ghostbusters car, damn it! Then, right away, you're buyin' your equipment. You got this cute little forklift thing to bring the items to your car. Then, here's the map screen, and well, what do you think? Somebody really favored Sega. Look at all the colors. The ghosts are actually animated, too. And there's people walkin' around. I don't exactly understand the idea of droppin' poop everywhere you go. Thought the Ghostbusters were in a car, not a horse-and-buggy.
2630
2631​The Nerd: So here's the driving scene. Definitely looks way better. I also like that no matter how fast you're goin', your car stays near the bottom of the screen. The drunk drivers are also easier to avoid, and you still got that vacuum to suck up all the ghosts. BOOM!  Wow, I never seen a car explode just from hitting garbage.
2632
2633​The Nerd: Here's the ghost catching screen. Again, WAY  better. You actually get a variety of ghosts, too. You got the green Slimer kind, then you got those ones that look like banana peels. They really do look like banana peels, and then they turn green and form together to make Voltron. Nah, just kiddin', the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man.
2634
2635​The Nerd: Once again, there's only three Ghostbusters. When you get to the Zuul building, you need to get past Stay Puft. You got three tries, but you gotta get at least two of your Ghostbusters past him. So, that means you can only fuck up once. Fuck up twice, and you're back at the beginning of the game.
2636
2637​The Nerd: It's so fuckin' tedious. At least the game looks nicer than the Nintendo version. But the gameplay isn't much better. Most the time, you're just waiting for buildings to blink red, which sometimes just never happens. Come on! You want me to catch ghosts or not? Why am I even playing if there's nothin' to do? Ah, there we go.
2638
2639​The Nerd: Finally, when you get past Stay Puft, you get to the dreaded stairway scene. And what a huge improvement over the Nintendo version. The layout's a little less bland, you can move in three dimensions, and best of all, you can use your proton packs to fight the ghosts! Now, these proton beams are useless. You can only shoot up!
2640
2641(The Nerd is trying to get past the ghosts, but they keep respawning)
2642
2643​The Nerd: Oh, fuck! Oh, Goddamn! Jesus- -cut me a break!
2644
2645​The Nerd: The worst fuckin' thing is when you get hit just one time, just ONE FUCKIN' TIME, you start all over from the bottom of the fuckin' stairs. All. Over. Again. And when all three of your Ghostbusters are dead, it's over! (The Nerd loses another Ghostbuster.)
2646
2647​The Nerd: "Sorry, but your mission has failed. The Keymaster and the Gatekeeper entered the Zuul-" So, it's not the Zuul building, anymore, it's just "The Zuul". "and caused Gorza-" You mean Gozer? They should actually see the fuckin' movie before they make the damn game! "the enemy boss to awaken and destroy the city. You could not even set foot inside THE ZUUL because you were unable to earn enough money to gain admittance." Oh, so it's like, a museum or somethin', you just need to pay to get in? So, all I need is enough money and I can go up a buncha stairs to fight a Sumerian shape-shifting god. "Thus the city was completely demolished by Gorza. The Game Is Over. Try again from the start." Oh, really? I thought I could try again from the middle.
2648
2649​The Nerd: Well, Ghostbusters on Commodore and Atari - it was a nice little original game for the time. The NES version was a lame disappointment, and the Sega version improved it a little. Tune in next time, and we're gonna fast forward to 1989-1990, and we're gonna look at one more Ghostbusters game on Nintendo, and one on Sega Genesis.
2650
2651Trivia
2652During the typo grading, Rolfe missed the space between the exclamation point and the word, "Heroes."
2653Categories:
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2660Gokucock • 2 days ago
2661List of Angry Video Game Nerd Adventures Hazards and Enemies
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2664FrankRTWiw • 4 days ago
2665James & Mike Mondays
2666HorrorFan01 • 4 days ago
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2742Transcripts, Transcripts of 2007 Angry Video Game Nerd episodes
2743Transcript of AVGN episode Ghostbusters Conclusion
2744EDIT
2745 
2746COMMENTS (6)
2747 
2748SHARE
2749MV5BY2VjYjhmMTgtNzIyNy00MDc5LWEwMjQtZmE3Mjc1OTg4NGFhXkEyXkFqcGdeQXVyMTQzMjU1NjE@. V1 
2750Ghostbusters (Part 3) - Angry Video Game Nerd - Episode 23
2751Ghostbusters (Part 3) - Angry Video Game Nerd - Episode 23
2752
2753Contents[show]
2754Ghostbusters II (NES)
2755​The Nerd: Ghostbusters II on Nintendo. Well, here it is. The game starts out with this little intro with Vigo. You see him at the end too, when you lose, and both times, he does the Elvis' lip. (MIDI recording of "Devil in Disguise" plays as Elvis pops up into frame doing that signature lip)
2756
2757​The Nerd: So, the first level's under the subway, at the river of slime. And that's right. Wow. The game actually has levels with a simple goal: to get to the end without dying.
2758
2759​The Nerd: '''And that's what I'm fuckin' talking about! Ghostbusters should be nothing more complicated than just running around zapping ghosts. So, it's a huge, huge improvement over the first game. But that's not sayin' much! It still sucks monkey fuck and pukes diarrhea up your fuckin' asshole!
2760
2761​The Nerd: And that's interesting, because, the movie Ghostbusters II is definitely inferior to the first one. So, I guess the formula works like this: A good movie equals... A SHITTY FUCKING GAME! But... (throws game to the ground) a not-so-good movie equals a game, that's not as shitty.
2762
2763​The Nerd: This time, the Ghostbusters only shoot slime. They never use their proton packs. The controls could have been better. I mean, the way you move the gun is kinda awkward, like it stays wherever you point it and it takes a moment to aim it elsewhere rather than just being instantaneous. This is a hard one to explain; but just play it for a while, then pop in Contra, and you'll know exactly what I'm talkin' about. It's also stupid that A shoots slime and B jumps. Usually, it's the other way around. As for Start and Select, they don't do donkey dick! Usually, Start is pause, but here, there's no fucking way to pause the damn game! (Throws controller to floor)
2764
2765​The Nerd: I mean, if you gotta go answer the phone or take a shit, it's like, "tough shit if you gotta take a shit!" You gotta take a quick shit! You gotta have turbo turds. I'm tryna play the game; I got shit stains in my pants, and an answering message on my phone that says, "Sorry, I'm playing Ghostbusters II on Nintendo." What a selfish game! Bottom line: have a fuckin' pause button, goddammit!! (Throws Ecto 1 to ground in anger)
2766
2767​The Nerd: Well, the game definitely has its variety. The second level, you're drivin' around and dodgin' shit. You're shootin' at ghosts that look like bed sheets with two eyeholes cut out. Sorta like Charlie Brown's Halloween costume. Oh, and the car's alive, 'cause when it dies, it bleeds. (The car crashes and 'bleeds') Yeah, it gets mangled into a bloody mess. Yeah, I know... it's red slime.
2768
2769​The Nerd: Level 3's the courthouse. (Sees a jug of what appears to be raspberry Kool-Aid) Oh, wait, is that Kool-Aid?! Gimme the Kool-Aid! (He misses it) Aw, fuck!
2770
2771​The Nerd: Level 4: you're drivin' again. Like before, there's holes you gotta jump over. But, you gotta make sure that you drive over the arrows because they're the speed boosters. Oh, get outta my way! Oh, fuckin' ghost! Alright, here we go, oh, there's another, oh, come on! And you think I'm doin' bad? Take a look at the demo in the beginning of the game. It doesn't even try. It just crashes into everything. The only reason it even gets by is because after you hit something, you're immune to damage for a brief moment and you can pass through. But, really, why's the game having so much trouble playing with itself? It doesn't know it can move up or down or jump. The game sucks at itself more so than any human being, regardless of age or experience, could possibly suck at the game. The irony just baffles me.
2772
2773​The Nerd: So anyway, Level 5 is the abandoned subway. It seems like somebody's off-screen to the left just constantly throwin' junk in your way. I mean, what is all this shit? Fuck!
2774
2775​The Nerd: So here's Level 6, the Statue of Liberty. Remember the scene in the movie, where the Ghostbusters use the NES Advantage to control the Statue of Liberty? (The Nerd is shown playing the game with an NES Advantage controller) Well, I'm playin' it with the NES Advantage right now, and, that's kinda weird, don't you think? In the movie, one of the most famous icons in the United States being controlled by a Nintendo controller. Nintendo ruled the fuckin' world.
2776
2777​The Nerd: And see what they did here? They created levels in the game based off scenes in the movie. That's what I was talkin' about before. I don't know what these things are that you're s'posed to be shootin' at, though. I guess they're ghosts, but they're shaped like fish. And if they're ghosts, they're the happiest, most energetic ghosts I've ever seen, doin' choreographed dances in the sky. (Ghosts circle around in the air)
2778
2779​The Nerd: So, now we're in the city, so I guess this is level 7, and we're fighting bungee-jumping skeletons, I think. Here we go, at the museum covered in the river of slime. And this is the final level of the game, and by now, it's all startin' to look the same. There really isn't any more variety in the gameplay. The only thing different is the backgrounds. Yeah, they're all based off scenes from the movie, like the river of slime, the courthouse, the abandoned subway, and finally the museum. But you're doin' the exact same thing. Just walking to the end of the level, shooting ghosts overhead, and dodging things that go up and down, bounce across the screen, sweep across the ground, or just wiggle all over the place. Damn! I hate all this shit! Fuck! Bitch! Ass! It pisses me off! Well, like they say, "It's better to be pissed off than to be pissed on."
2780
2781​The Nerd: So, you have to play through the level four times to get all the Ghostbusters through. That's right, they actually have all four Ghostbusters, so when you get to the end, you watch them shoot slime all over Vigo, and then that's it! He doesn't even come out of the painting. The game's over. You win. So to save time on developing an end boss, instead they just make you go through the last level four times. What a piece of shit!
2782
2783(The Nerd is on location on a field)
2784
2785​The Nerd: Hey, come here! (The Nerd runs to a pile of shit, pointing at it) That is dog shit! That's what it reminds me of! This game reminds me of dog shit!
2786
2787(The Nerd shoots game twice, then bangs it on his head, then hits himself with NES, then drinks some Rolling Rock.)
2788
2789Ghostbusters (Sega Genesis)
2790​The Nerd: Can Sega do better again? Well, let's find out. We got Ghostbusters on the Sega Genesis, also called the Mega Drive. We're steppin' into 16-bit territory now, yet this game was released about the same time as Ghostbusters II on Nintendo. Rather than make their own game of Ghostbusters II, Sega made something completely original.
2791
2792​The Nerd: Well, there's only three Ghostbusters again. I mean, what's their problem with Winston? What are they, fuckin' racist or something? Well, whatever the case, you get to pick your Ghostbuster. They got big heads and they walk like they're crappin' down their pants.
2793
2794​The Nerd: You got dialogue scenes and not one, but two stores, an item shop and a weapon shop, again resorting to that old, tired idea of havin' the Ghostbusters buy all their own equipment. Then, you got the map screen, which thank God, serves the only purpose that it should, selecting which order you wanna play the stages in. So, you can go into the little house, the apartment, the bigger house, the high-rise building, and after you've beaten all that, you can go to the castle.
2795
2796​The Nerd: The stages are non-linear, in a sense that you don't just run through from beginning to end - you gotta find your way around. You can climb ladders, swim, and explore the whole place until you've found and defeated all the boss ghosts, which there's several of. And, when you've defeated them, you get to lay a trap and catch a Slimer in true Ghostbusting fashion. After you've cleared the stage, you get money, and then you leave. So, that's the concept, which is enough to keep you entertained.
2797
2798​The Nerd: The control's great, walking and jumping is perfectly responsive, you could easily shoot in any direction, you can crawl, it's fun blasting things, the sounds and music are original, and the caricature look, I find kinda amusing, actually. This is what you call a game. I like this. I like this? I can't believe what I'm saying!
2799
2800​The Nerd: I think the world is coming to an end. Seriously, like, fire and brimstone comin' down from the skies, rivers and seas boiling! 40 years of darkness! Earthquakes, volcanoes! The dead rising from their graves! Human sacrifice! Dogs and cats livin' together, mass hysteria! But don't worry, I'll find somethin' about it that sucks.
2801
2802​The Nerd: Like those tablecloths that wrap you up? You can't even do anything but wait. They don't even do any damage, so what's the point? Just to be annoying. You might as well just have somebody come in and take the controller from me for about five seconds.
2803
2804​The Nerd: There's also an overabundance of weapons and items, which out of all of them, only one is really mandatory: the night goggles. Without them, there's no way you can get through the fire level, because you can't see shit! Look at this; I can't tell where I’m goin'! And the goggles run out of juice, so if you're far along in the level and they start to dim, you're fucked. You gotta kill yourself, go back to the store to buy more goggles, and then start the level all over again. What a shitload of fuck!
2805
2806​The Nerd: I also hate these fire towers. It's like no matter how well you estimate the jump, you either end up getting burnt because you jump too short, or accidentally touch the fire tryna get as close as possible to jump. And also, you have to make sure that you time your jump right, or the fire comes up and burns your ass. And, if you stand there to even try to think about it, a flaming guinea pig comes out! Yeah, flaming guinea pigs are pretty weird, but do you know what's also weird? When you die, you turn into a mummy. That, I can't understand. Then you got these disappearing green things to jump on. Oh. Guess what the toughest enemies in the game are. Coffee cups. You'd think they shatter after just one hit, but, no, they take forever to break. I don't get it. Lots of the enemies are just annihilated after just one hit, but not those! Don't fuck with the coffee cups!
2807
2808​The Nerd: The boss battles are cool, although sometimes really random, like this blue guy that comes apart. Come on, die! Alright- oh, he's still got a head! Yeeaah! You got the crystal monkey man, the evil snowman, the fire dragon, the flame guy, the face that emerges from the wall, the woman who multiplies into three; gotta shoot the real one. Then there's the Grim Reaper who looks like Dracula from Castlevania II, then there's the plant which reminds me of Little Shop of Horrors, which is an interesting connection because Rick Moranis starred in the remake, and he was Louis in Ghostbusters. Then you got Stay Puft who relentlessly attacks you during the stage, but then at the end, you finally get to punish him for all the shit he put you through. Die! Die! Get him, get him, get him, get him, get him, get him! YEAH!!! He's dead as shit!
2809
2810​The Nerd: In a sea of terrible Ghostbusters games, this one stands out, and it's still fun to play. If you can somehow get your hands on it, I'd check it out.
2811
2812​The Nerd: So, this concludes my 3-part review of all the Ghostbusters games that I can get my hands on. Is it kinda ironic that I end on one that's actually kinda decent? I don't know. I mean, is it anymore ironic that the same guy who did the voice for Garfield did the voice for Peter Venkman in the Ghostbusters cartoon? While Bill Murray was the live-action Peter Venkman and he also did the voice of Garfield in the movie.
2813
2814Thoughts on Ghostbusters III
2815​The Nerd: And one more thing: Ghostbusters III. Is it really gonna happen? Should it happen? Well, if they made The Santa Clause III, Free Willy III, Home Alone III, Psycho III, The Neverending Story III, Problem Child III, and about ten thousand Scary Movie and American Pie sequels, all the crap that gets shat out of Hollywood's big fat fuckin' ass, I don't see why Ghostbusters III shouldn't get made. I grew up with those movies. I would love to see those guys put on the proton packs one more time. Even if the whole movie's just the Ghostbusters sittin' around takin' a shit, I'd go see it.
2816
2817​The Nerd: Now, excuse me. I gotta take out the garbage. (Throws Ecto 1 to floor.) (The Nerd's Ghostbusters montage features theme remix, Ghostbusters toys, and him shooting the game with proton pack.)
2818
2819See also
2820Ghostbusters
2821Ghostbusters (Follow-Up)
2822Categories:
2823TranscriptsTranscripts of 2007 Angry Video Game Nerd episodes
2824Community content is available under CC-BY-SA unless otherwise noted.
2825Recent Wiki Activity
2826Mike Matei
2827Gokucock • 2 days ago
2828List of Angry Video Game Nerd Adventures Hazards and Enemies
2829Prabowo Muhammad • 3 days ago
2830Transcript of AVGN Episode Universal Studios Theme Parks Adventure
2831FrankRTWiw • 4 days ago
2832James & Mike Mondays
2833HorrorFan01 • 4 days ago
2834
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2884
2885~~~~~
2886
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2905Transcripts, Transcripts of 2007 Angry Video Game Nerd episodes
2906Transcript of AVGN episode Bugs Bunny Birthday Blowout
2907EDIT
2908 
2909COMMENTS (9)
2910 
2911SHARE
2912Title intro
2913Title card for episode, which spoofs the Looney Tunes opening titles.
2914
2915Bugs Bunny Birthday Blowout - NES - Angry Video Game Nerd - Episode 31
2916Bugs Bunny Birthday Blowout - NES - Angry Video Game Nerd - Episode 31
2917
2918(After a Looney Tunes opening spoof with a MIDI version of the iconic Merrie Melodies theme, we see the Nerd finding his shirt, then putting the pens in the pouch, putting his glasses on, going to the fridge and taking out a bottle of Yuengling, taking a swig of it, then looking through his NES collection and pulling out The Bugs Bunny Birthday Blowout.)
2919
2920The Nerd: (sarcastically) Wow, how awesome could this be? Bugs Bunny's Birthday Blowout. Well, it was a blowout, alright. BLOW OUT YOUR ASS!
2921
2922The Nerd: Basically, you're Bugs Bunny goin' around with a hammer in a Mario-like setting. Really nothing special. In fact, it's one of the most sickening sidescrollers I've ever seen, because when you walk, the screen sort of does like this strobe effect. I'm not kidding, it makes me sick! Even worse is when there's an earthquake! Oh, come on! That's cruel!
2923
2924The Nerd: The plot is that it's Bugs Bunny's 50th birthday and he's on his way to his own party, but out of envy, everybody wants to stop him from getting there. So you're just whacking anybody in your path, and you know what's really annoying? Every time you get hit, you see stars. And when that happens, you can't use your hammer for a few seconds. All you do is just go from start to finish. There's usually a boss at the end of the stage, like, here's Daffy. You think you're supposed to fight him, but, no, that doesn't work. You're just supposed to get the carrot.
2925
2926The Nerd: Yeah, this game's really a no-brainer. (takes a swig of Yuengling, then Bugs Bunny shows up at the door and he promptly spits out his Yuengling) OH MY GOD! IT'S BUGS BUNNY!
2927
2928Bugs Bunny: Nyah... (chomping on carrot) What’s up, Doc?
2929
2930The Nerd: (looking shocked) I can't believe it! In my own house! Bugs Bunny! BUGS FUCKIN' BUNNY! (punches Bugs in the stomach and face, knocking him out)
2931
2932The Nerd: After each stage, you get a bonus game, depending on how many carrots you collected. By winning, you can earn some 1-ups. Now, this number thing, I really don't know how to play it, and I don't give a shit, so I just tap the buttons until it's over.
2933
2934Bugs: Nyyyyyyaaaaaaaahhhhh, what's up, DOC?! (the Nerd breaks the empty bottle of Yuengling over Bugs' head, knocking him out)
2935
2936The Nerd: Now here's Tweety. Hate this little bastard. You just gotta clobber him. So you can already guess that all the bosses are Looney Tunes characters, like Wile E. Coyote, Sylvester, Foghorn Leghorn, Elmer Fuckin' Fudd and Pepé Le Shit. But the main enemies are just really weird. There's these walking boxes with the letter S, little hammer head guys, Oscar the Grouch, and these things, I don't know, I guess they're floating... dead cats. These clocks are the worst. They're all over the place! You can't hit 'em without getting yourself hit, and when you kill 'em, they explode for like, three hours and you just gotta stand back. And after they explode, another one immediately drops in its place! So I just gotta run through everything. I mean, I just don't even care.
2937
2938Bugs: Nyyyyyaaaaahhhhhh, what's up, DOC?! (the Nerd backhands him, knocking him out)
2939
2940The Nerd: What's one thing I should have done a thousand times by now? Die. But I'm not dying. You know why? Because this game's too fuckin' easy. I'm just walking through the levels, getting hit by everything in sight, not caring whether I lose all my lives or beat the game. Whichever comes first, I welcome it. All I know is, this game is going on, and on, and on. There's Sam, beating the shitballs out of me, just hitting me every second that there is, but, there I go, I still beat him. Come on, I really don't care about the damn bonus games!
2941
2942The Nerd: This game is GARBAGE!
2943
2944Bugs: Nyyyyaaah- (gets cut off while the Nerd takes Bugs' head and slams it into the table repeatedly)
2945
2946The Nerd: I'D RATHER PUT MY BALLS IN A CROCODILE'S MOUTH WHILE SHOVING MY HEAD UP A UNICORN'S ASSHOLE!
2947
2948The Nerd: Well, here's Tweety again. Get out here! Come on, come on! You little Tweety fuck! Alright, here's Elmer Fuckin' Fudd. Come on! Ugh, you son of a bitch! Now what's he doing to me? Ugh, get off! A lot of times, you're supposed to break blocks to get to where you're supposed to go, which is tedious as all hell- (falls and dies) WHAT A SHITTY-ASS LOAD OF GODDAMN BULLFUCK!
2949
2950Bugs: Nyah, ain't I a fuckin' stinker, motherfucker?!
2951
2952The Nerd: AIN'T YOU A GODDAMN FUCKIN' PIECE OF SHIT?! (throws Bugs to the hallway floor, then kicks and steps on his head with vigor and force over and over again)
2953
2954The Nerd: Oh, I hate this shit right here. These platforms keep disappearing when you jump on 'em. Fuck! Alright, let's try this again. Keep jumpin', keep jumpin'! Oh, oh, here we go! Oh, okay. Here-here we go! Yes! Okay, next rope. Oh no, wait! Ugh! Son of a cock!
2955
2956Bugs: (peeking through the doorway) Nyyyyaaahhhh! What's up, butt-cock?! (the Nerd takes a Mario ball and throws it at Bugs's face)
2957
2958The Nerd: Sometimes, when you have to go down, you're never sure of whether or not you're gonna fall and die. Ugh! Mother of a fuck! (Bugs sees stars) I hate those stars. I really, really, fuckin' hate 'em. You can't hit anybody without getting hit. And everything you try to step on, it breaks away! It's just total ass!
2959
2960Bugs: Nyah, what's all the hubbub... Bub? (the Nerd gets enraged and tackles Bugs to the floor)
2961
2962The Nerd: You know, this game is just way too generous with the extra lives. (playing while wresting with Bugs) IT'S LIKE DELIBERATELY KEEPING ME IN THE GAME, SO I CAN'T STOP!
2963
2964Bugs Bunny: Nyah! What's up, butt-cock-vagina-butt-fuck?!
2965
2966The Nerd: Just SHUT UP!
2967
2968The Nerd: For what it's worth, the game's at least playable. But there's no appeal whatsoever. Making a birthday-themed game is one of the worst concepts imaginable. Even with a big name like Bugs Bunny. (sitting on Bugs Bunny) He's one of the greatest cartoon characters of all time, but his leap to the Nintendo Entertainment System was just a total fucking shitbomb.
2969
2970(comes up to Taz, the Tasmanian Devil)
2971
2972​The Nerd: Well, here we are at the last guy. It's Taz. All you gotta do is knock those footballs back at him, and he's done.
2973
2974The Nerd: I beat it! NOW GET OUTTA HERE! (kicks Bugs away) "Bugs Bunny finally arrives at his party. He is greeted with thunderous cheers and applause from his loving friends. To Bugs' surprise, he finds all of his Looney Tunes pals there, who had just moments ago been playing some very funny tricks."
2975
2976The Nerd: (to Bugs, angrily) I'LL SHOW YOU SOME FUNNY TRICKS! (charges him against the wall)
2977
2978Bugs: (while being repeatedly punched in the face) Nyyyyyyyyyaaaaaaaaaah, what's up, COCK?!
2979
2980The Nerd: I'll show you what's up, you fuckin' bunny piece of shit! (knees him two times in the face before going back to punching) BUGS BUNNY'S BIRTHDAY BLOWOUT! HOW 'BOUT BUGS BUNNY'S BIRTHDAY BEATING?! (Bugs gets thrashed and pummeled and flipped over) You want a shoryuken? (uppercuts him)
2981
2982(Bugs gets beat up and tossed around some more, then gets kicked through a wall of boxes, with the Nerd roaring in slow motion. Then he helps Bugs up on his feet and throws him across the hall. Bugs crawls away into the kitchen while the Nerd pursues him. Bugs gets tired and collapses on his back)
2983
2984The Nerd: You want some shit? (pulls pants down) BOMBS AWAY, BUGS BITCH! (diarrhea begins to shit out as it falls through a fake ass)
2985
2986Bugs: Nyyyyaaah, (diarrhea pours onto his face) oh shit! OH SHIT! Nyah!
2987
2988The Nerd: Ugh, man! (takes off fake ass) Don't worry, folks. It's not real. (Merrie Melodies spoof theme starts playing and Bugs is shown in distress) (while giving middle finger) Fuck you, Bugs Bunny! (gives middle finger through fake asshole) FUCK YOU, BUGS BUNNY! (tosses fake ass) There you go. Got your ass handed to ya. (iris out, then cut to a drum, which the Nerd pops out of in a similar fashion to Porky Pig) Uh-duh, uh-duh, uh-duh, that's all, fucks! (flashes middle finger)
2989
2990Trivia
2991It is often considered to be the funniest episode of Angry Video Game Nerd, the Nerd beating up and defecating on Bugs Bunny being the main reason.
2992Categories:
2993TranscriptsTranscripts of 2007 Angry Video Game Nerd episodes
2994Community content is available under CC-BY-SA unless otherwise noted.
2995Recent Wiki Activity
2996Mike Matei
2997Gokucock • 2 days ago
2998List of Angry Video Game Nerd Adventures Hazards and Enemies
2999Prabowo Muhammad • 3 days ago
3000Transcript of AVGN Episode Universal Studios Theme Parks Adventure
3001FrankRTWiw • 4 days ago
3002James & Mike Mondays
3003HorrorFan01 • 4 days ago
3004
3005
3006
3007
3008
3009Help us grow Angry Video Game Nerd Wiki!
3010GET STARTED
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3012
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3014
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3016
3017
3018Nostalgia Critic
3019
3020
3021Mike Matei
3022
3023
3024Kyle Justin
3025
3026EXPLORE PROPERTIES
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3054
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3076in:
3077Transcripts of 2009 Angry Video Game Nerd episodes, Transcripts
3078Transcript of 2009 AVGN Episode Bugs Bunny's Crazy Castle
3079EDIT
3080 
3081COMMENTS (13)
3082 
3083SHARE
3084MV5BYWRiM2VhMTktMTIxMy00ZTk0LWIzYjUtZDBiYmMyNGFmMTNmXkEyXkFqcGdeQXVyMTQzMjU1NjE@. V1 
3085Bugs Bunny's Crazy Castle - Angry Video Game Nerd - Episode 75
3086Bugs Bunny's Crazy Castle - Angry Video Game Nerd - Episode 75
3087
3088Bugs Bunny: (5 seconds into the intro) Nyeh.
3089
3090Guitar Guy: ♪ He's gonna take you back to the past ♪
3091
3092♪ To play some shitty games that suck ass ♪
3093
3094♪ He'd rather have a buffalo ♪
3095
3096♪ Take a diarrhea dump in his ear ♪
3097
3098♪ He'd rather eat the rotten asshole ♪
3099
3100♪ Of a roadkill skunk and down it with beer ♪
3101
3102♪ He's the angriest Gamer you've ever heard ♪
3103
3104♪ He's the Angry Nintendo Nerd ♪
3105
3106♪ ​He's the Angry Atari Sega Nerd ♪
3107
3108♪ He's the Angry Video Game Nerd ♪
3109
3110The Nerd and Bugs Bunny meet again
3111The Nerd meets up with Bugs Bunny again almost two years after they first crossed paths.
3112
3113(The Looney Tunes Parody Rock and Roll version plays)
3114
3115Contents[show]
3116Bugs Bunny's Crazy Castle (NES)
3117("I've Been Working on The Railroad" plays while the Nerd gets ready, swigs some Yuengling, and looks for a game. He takes out Barbie on the NES but decides not to play it, puts it back, and swigs some more Yuengling. He walks over to the other side of the shelf and sees Bugs Bunny walk in)
3118
3119Bugs Bunny: Nyeeh. (chomps on the carrot) What's up, Doc? (holds a game and throws it at the Nerd)
3120
3121The Nerd: Wow, it's been a while since I've seen you. What game you hit me with? Bugs Bunny Crazy Castle? (sarcastically) I can't wait to play this. (the Nerd tries to punch Bugs, who blocks it and punches him back, knocking him to the ground.) What was that?! (the Nerd tries to fight Bugs, but he gets his ass handed to him. Bugs kicks the game box at him.)
3122
3123Bugs Bunny: Nya, play the game, Doc!
3124
3125The Nerd: I'm not playin' this shit! (he throws the game box back at Bugs)
3126
3127Bugs Bunny: Come on, Doc! (takes game cartridge out of box) Stick it in the Nintendo! (throws the game cartridge at the Nerd)
3128
3129The Nerd: How 'bout stick it up your rabbit hole!?
3130
3131(The Nerd charges at Bugs, who blocks his punch and kicks him to the floor.)
3132
3133Bugs Bunny: Nya, when you played Birthday Blowout, you knew you had some unfinished business, Mac. Nya, play the game for two minutes, and I'll let you hit me again. (The Nerd nods in agreement, and puts the game cartridge into the NES Top Loader and turns it on.)
3134
3135The Nerd: So this is Bugs Bunny's Crazy Castle. All you have to do is collect carrots. Once you get all the carrots, you go to the next stage, and it's just the same shit over and over. Crazy Castle? It's not too crazy, is it? The Birthday Blowout game was actually more crazy because that was more like an action game, but this is more like a puzzle game. So why wasn't this one called Birthday Blowout and the other one Crazy Castle? One good thing I have to say: It has the shortest, sweetest password I've seen in a while.
3136
3137The Nerd: Anyway, there's a bunch of Sylvesters coming after you. You drop stuff on their heads, or hit them with boxing gloves. The only thing you can't do is jump. If you end up in a corner, you're done. Come on, he's a bunny, he can't jump? Oh, fuckin' Coyote cunt, got my ass against the wall. There's no way out of this. Look at him. He's just going to pace back and forth. Time to commit suicide.
3138
3139The Nerd: This time, I'm going to drop this anvil down on him. Oh, he went the other way! You fucking shit nugget. You got to time it just right. You see, I'm just going to kick this crate over here. There's some Sylvesters-- Oh, fuck! If I can just get the Invisible Ink. Is he just going to stand there? Great, I'm coming down-- (gets killed) Oh, balls!
3140
3141The Nerd: Alright, that's it. I'm done with this game. I'd rather press my face against a hippopotamus' butt while it muck-spreads! That's when a hippo takes a shit. Rather than allowing the shit to drop from its anus, it presses its tail against its ass crack, waving it back and forth, shredding the shit all over the place! That's as much fun as this game is: Like putting a turd in a fan or a band saw. You just don't do it.
3142
3143(The Nerd drops the controller and throws the game into the garbage. He then sucker-punches Bugs into the wall, then pins him there and beats him until Bugs blocks his punch. Bugs then proceeds to return the beating and throws the Nerd onto the couch.)
3144
3145Bugs Bunny's Crazy Castle 2 (Game Boy)
3146Bugs Bunny: Sorry, Doc, you ain't done yet! Looks like you've got another game! (he hands him a Game Boy Advance SP with a Nintendo Game Boy game in it, which turns out to be The Bugs Bunny Crazy Castle 2.)
3147
3148The Nerd: Crazy Castle 2? There's a sequel? How could this be possible? I'm not playing this! (he gives the game back to Bugs)
3149
3150Bugs Bunny: But you wanna play it! (he hands it back to him)
3151
3152The Nerd: No, I don't wanna! (he pushes it back)
3153
3154Bugs Bunny: You do wanna! (he gives it back)
3155
3156The Nerd: I don't wanna! (he pushes it back)
3157
3158Bugs Bunny: You do wanna! (he gives it back)
3159
3160The Nerd: I don't wanna! (he pushes it back)
3161
3162Bugs Bunny: (pause) You don't wanna! (he takes it back)
3163
3164The Nerd: I do wanna! (he grabs it back)
3165
3166Bugs Bunny: You don't wanna! (he takes it back)
3167
3168The Nerd: I do wanna! (he grabs it back)
3169
3170Bugs Bunny: You don't wanna! (he takes it back)
3171
3172The Nerd: I do wanna, (he grabs it back) and you're not going to stop me! (the Nerd realizes he's been fooled)
3173
3174The Nerd: Crazy Castle 2, what can you say? It's the same shitty game, but on a Game Boy screen. So, in case you need your Crazy Castle action on the go, this is the game for you. The only big difference is that you're collecting keys instead of carrots. When you get all the carrots, you can unlock the final door, and proceed to the next level.
3175
3176The Nerd: There's more variety of traps and weapons. Watch this, I'm gonna kill Tweety. Yeah, that's what I like to see. You also get these blocks that make you jump, but could they be a little more creative here? How about a spring or a trampoline? Not just a block that says Up.
3177
3178The Nerd: The controls are a little stiff. I just wanna go up the steps! Oh, fuck! Now I'm dead! They tried to put new things into this game to make it better than the NES version, but it only sucks even more because it's on Game Boy. I mean, look at this. Would you want to play this? If you do, you probably like playing with dog turds. Alright, I'm done with this. I'd rather lick the shit skid off the inside of a toilet bowl.
3179
3180(The Nerd drinks Yuengling, takes the game out of the Game Boy Advance SP, goes to a trash bin, while looking at Bugs as he finishes his Yuengling, and throws the game away, then smashes his empty Yuengling bottle across Bugs' face.)
3181
3182Bugs: OW!
3183
3184(Bugs recovers, however, and shoots a Mario Ball through a slingshot, stunning the Nerd. Bugs dropkicks him in slow motion, knocking him to the ground. As the Nerd lays stunned, Bugs picks him up and slams him down on the futon, causing it to collapse.)
3185
3186Guitar Guy: (crawling out from under the broken futon) God! You Nintendo dork, you broke my fuckin' couch!
3187
3188The Nerd: It was the fuckin' bunny. Did you go to fuckin' Bugs Bunny Boot Camp? 
3189
3190(Bugs grabs the Nerd by the throat and pins him to the wall.)
3191
3192Bugs Bunny: Nya!
3193
3194The Nerd: Come on, I thought toons like to get beat up.
3195
3196Bugs Bunny: We do, Doc, but you know what we don't like? Getting shit on the FUCKIN' FACE!
3197
3198The Nerd: That was 2 years ago!
3199
3200Bugs Bunny: Well, now, it's your turn, Doc! (Bugs throws the Nerd to the ground and kicks him repeatedly before squatting down.) Nyyaa. (Bugs shits pellet turds onto the Nerd's face. The Guitar Guy sees this, and closes his eyes in disgust.) Geronimo! Nyyaaaaaa! Motherfuckin' Nerd! (The Nerd recovers from the bunny shit being on his face) Nyyaa, ain't I a stinker?
3201
3202The Nerd: Go away, just leave me alone.
3203
3204Bugs Bunny's Crazy Castle 3 (Game Boy Color)
3205Bugs Bunny: Not yet, Doc. You still got another game. (he throws the Game Boy Advance SP at him)
3206
3207The Nerd: What?! (Bugs shoots a Nintendo Game Boy Color game at him with the slingshot. The game turns out to be The Bugs Bunny Crazy Castle 3.) Crazy Castle 3?! Crazy Castle 3?! That's impossible! (reluctantly puts in The Bugs Bunny Crazy Castle 3, and opens the Game Boy Advance SP) Now I think I understand the relevance of the title. It's crazy that there's so many sequels! I can see why there would be one on NES and one on Game Boy, but why another? It's the same fuckin' thing, you go around collecting keys to open the door to get to the next stage.
3208
3209The Nerd: Now let me ask something: When would there ever exist a door that takes 8 keys to open? And it's monotonous how the keys themselves are in doors. The only thing that distinguishes the final door from the rest is that tiny lock which you'd need a magnifying glass to see. What's the point of having these doors, anyway? When you go in the room you find a key every time, so wouldn't it be a little more efficient not to have the doors, just have the keys out in the open? What were they thinking? The only fun part's blowing the living fuck out of Tweety.
3210
3211The Nerd: However, it becomes even more redundant after you've annihilated everybody, there's nothing left to kill you, so you're just walking around getting all the keys. Pretty exciting, isn't it? Almost as exciting as watching a dog scarfing out its anus.
3212
3213(The Nerd takes the game out of the Game Boy and flings it onto the ground. He gets up and attacks Bugs, slamming his head into a wall. Bugs recovers and beats the Nerd down, kicking him into his shelf full of NES games, causing several of them to fall on top of him. The Guitar Guy peers around the corner as the Nerd rubs his head.)
3214
3215Guitar Guy: Come on, get 'im! He's the one who broke the couch!
3216
3217The Nerd: Well, technically, it was a futon.
3218
3219Guitar Guy: I don't care what it is! Get 'im! Boil his bunny balls!
3220
3221(the Nerd gets up again to fight Bugs again but Bugs gives him a "present.")
3222
3223Bugs Bunny: Nyaah, here you go, doc.
3224
3225(The Nerd opens the present and reaches in, only to find a stick of dynamite. The wah-wah-wah-wah music plays again and a jackass covers the Nerd's face before the dynamite goes off, covering him in soot and ash.)
3226
3227The Nerd: DOGGONE, YOU MEAN OLD SCREWY WASCALLY WABBIT-- What's this?
3228
3229Bugs Bunny's Crazy Castle 4 (Game Boy Color)
3230(Bugs hands the Nerd another Game Boy Color game, which turns out to be Bugs Bunny in Crazy Castle 4. The Nerd holds up a sign that reads, "Yikes!" similar to Bugs on the cartridge art.)
3231
3232The Nerd: Crazy Castle 4?! How many of these fuckin' games could there possibly be?!
3233
3234Bugs Bunny: You better play it, Doc, before I ram my rabbit fist right up your motherfuckin' ass!
3235
3236​(The Nerd looks at Bugs angrily before reluctantly putting Bugs Bunny in Crazy Castle 4 in the Game Boy Advance SP.)
3237
3238The Nerd: Alright, well, if you just can't get enough Crazy Castle action, here comes number 4. It starts out with Bugs Bunny looking at a map. On it, he sees a castle, but all it says is "C Castle". So Bugs thinks about it, and decides that "C" must stand for "Carrot." And that means he thinks the castle's full of carrots, and from how much he loves carrots, he rushes over there. And, of course, the game has to explain it for us that "C" really stands for "Crazy" and not "Carrot," like we're fucking idiots. This is only the fourth fuckin' game, right?
3239
3240The Nerd: You're going around, opening doors that lead to rooms that have keys. You get all the damn keys, and go to the final door, but what am I supposed to say? It's so hard to even imagine that this game exists, and I'm trying to review it. It's like trying to review a pink porcupine with a monkey's head up its butt eating a buffalo's ballsack. Should I describe what it looks like and analyze it, or should I just be so fuckin' shocked the thing even exists?
3241
3242(the Nerd closes the Game Boy Advance SP in annoyance)
3243
3244Bugs Bunny: Nyaaa, you ain't done yet, Doc. You still gotta get the carrot. (Chomps on his carrot)
3245
3246The Nerd: Oh, you like fuckin' carrots, don't ya? Huh? Well, why don't you play it, then? You're a bunny, you play! You play this filth! (The Nerd tackles Bugs Bunny and tries to shove the carrot in his mouth) You like fuckin' carrots, don't you? Eat the fuckin' carrot! Come on! (He punches Bugs in the face) Come on, eat this fuckin' carrot, you fuckin' piece of shit! Eat that fuckin' carrot! Rabbits and your fuckin' carrots! Why don't you shove that fuckin' carrot up your fuckin' ass?!
3247
3248(Bugs kicks the Nerd off and gets to his feet.)
3249
3250Bugs Bunny: (a rope appears next to him) What's up, Doc? (He pulls the rope as the Nerd looks at Bugs, confused. An anvil falls on his head, dazing him. He slaps the Tweeties flapping around him away in annoyance and goes over to Guitar Guy behind the shelf.)
3251
3252The Nerd: Give me your guitar.
3253
3254Guitar Guy: I will not give it to you.
3255
3256The Nerd: Give me that guitar, I need it!
3257
3258Guitar Guy: No! It's mine! Get your own guitar!
3259
3260The Nerd: Give me the guitar, I need it!
3261
3262(The Nerd takes the guitar from Guitar Guy. Then they both team up on Bugs Bunny but get their asses handed to them. The Nerd starts attacking Bugs with the guitar, but Bugs dodges every time until The Nerd fakes a shot. When Bugs comes back up, the Nerd whacks him in the face with it, knocking him against the wall. He hits him again, causing him to fall, and then proceeds to beat Bugs with the guitar until the body snaps off from the neck.)
3263
3264Guitar Guy: Great! I guess I just gotta get another couch, and another guitar!
3265
3266(The Guitar Guy leaves, and the video starts to end, playing the Looney Tunes parody music, but then Bugs gets up, stops the ending, playing a record needle scratching sound, and punches the Nerd.)
3267
3268Bugs Bunny: Nyaaa, of course you realize this means WAR, bitch!
3269
3270(Bugs starts to beat up the Nerd)
3271
3272Bugs Bunny: Motherfuckin' Nerd!
3273
3274(Bugs continues beating the Nerd until he bleeds, causing him to collapse to the floor.)
3275
3276Bugs Bunny: I pulled this game outta my ass, Doc!
3277
3278(Bugs pulls a Game Boy Advance game out of his ass)
3279
3280Woody Woodpecker in Crazy Castle 5 (Game Boy Advance)
3281The Nerd: I've wondered where the shit comes from. (Bugs throws the Game Boy Advance game at the Nerd, and he sees what it is.) Woody Woodpecker in Crazy Castle 5? This can't be real. (he opens the box and takes out the game) OK, first of all, how is it Crazy Castle 5 if it's not Bugs Bunny? (Puts the game in the Game Boy Advance SP)
3282
3283The Nerd: (sighs) It begins with this stupid intro where fairies come and tell Woody he's got to save Crazy Castle from the monsters. The graphics are more advanced, and you have the ability to break things with your beak.
3284
3285The Nerd: One thing that's really annoying is that when you open a chest to get an item, you don't automatically get the item, so I end up leaving the room, thinking I got the key when I really didn't.
3286
3287The Nerd: In a good game, like Zelda, you open the chest and that's it. But here you have to stop, wait for the item to dangle in the air, and then grab it. It's like trying to grab dried shit dangling from a chihuahua's ass hair. Other than that, there's not a damn thing to say.
3288
3289The Nerd: I wonder why it's Woody Woodpecker? You know, now that I think about it, both Woody and Bugs were created by the same guy; Ben Bugs Hardaway. That's very interesting. Oh, and wait. The very first cartoon to feature a precursor of Bugs Bunny was Porky's Hare Hunt. It had Mel Blanc doing the bunny's voice. He was the same guy who was the first voice for Woody Woodpecker. So Woody and Bugs? Could it be? They're the same?
3290
3291Bugs Bunny: Nyeeh, what's up, Doc? (Bugs throws a pie in the Nerd's face. Then, the Nerd takes the pie off in anger and stunned shock, and then Bugs Bunny kicks him) That feels good, Doc! Yeah, just like good old times, Doc! Like when I shoved Elmer Fudd's head up the Tazmanian Devil's fuckin' asshole! Nyaaaa, how's it feel to be a dying man, Nerd?! You're a dead man! YOU'RE A DEAD MAN!
3292
3293The Nerd: (Commando-style) Bull...SHIT! (The Angry Video Game Nerd Theme Rock Remix starts playing as the Nerd comes back and kicks Bugs' ass. He thrashes, punches, pounds and kicks the shit out of him and then gets him in a headlock, ripping his head clean off. As the Nerd flings Bugs' head against the wall, Bugs' headless corpse gets up, with Bugs' head now replaced by Woody Woodpecker's, much to the Nerd's shock.)
3294
3295Woody Woodpecker: Guess who! (Laughing)
3296
3297The Nerd: I knew it.
3298
3299(The Nerd tries to fight Woody, but Woody counterattacks and pins the Nerd to the ground.)
3300
3301Woody Woodpecker: (Laughing) You're gonna die, Nerd! (he takes out a bomb) (Continues laughing)
3302
3303(Woody places the bomb near the Nerd, who grabs him around the neck and pulls him down to the floor next to him.)
3304
3305The Nerd: Well I don't give a fuck! I'm takin' you with me! Oh, you like to play with bombs, huh? Well, bombs away, you Woody Bunny fuckin' pecker piece of shit!
3306
3307(The bomb explodes, killing both of them. They both end up in Hell with the Devil. Woody Woodpecker holds a knife mimicking stabbing someone.)
3308
3309Woody Woodpecker: (Laughing and exclaiming) How do you like that? (Exclaims) How do you like that, Nerd? (Continues laughing)
3310
3311(The Nerd holds up a sign reading, "Fuck!", while the rock version of Looney Tunes plays ending with the "That's all, Fucks!" sign. The credits start and the camera goes back to the Nerd and Bugs Bunny on the floor/futon, thinking it was a dream.)
3312
3313Bugs Bunny: Nyaaaaaa, what's up, Doc?
3314
3315Errors
3316The Nerd apparently did not realize that the game box, cartridge, and even the title screen, actually say "The Bugs Bunny Crazy Castle." He made a mistake by calling it "Bugs Bunny's Crazy Castle."
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3407Transcripts, Transcripts of 2011 Angry Video Game Nerd Episodes
3408Transcript of 2011 AVGN Episode The Making of an Angry Video Game Nerd Episode
3409EDIT
3410 
3411COMMENTS (6)
3412 
3413SHARE
3414MV5BMDQzMzczNDctYWU2Yi00NDdmLTgzYzEtNzA4OWFkYTA0YWI1XkEyXkFqcGdeQXVyMTQzMjU1NjE@. V1 
3415The Making of an AVGN episode - Angry Video Game Nerd - Episode 102
3416The Making of an AVGN episode - Angry Video Game Nerd - Episode 102
3417
3418James D. Rolfe: I'm gonna talk about what goes into makin' an AVGN episode. Now since day one, fans have expressed genuine interest in what goes into making an episode, and many of you have asked perfectly legit questions on my site Cinemassacre.com. I think one of the reasons I held off on doing this for so long is because I kinda just take for granted that there is a lot that goes into making these videos. See for me I don't really think about it that much, because I've made over a hundred episodes, and I've become very efficient at it. So, to me, it's like the same way I don't think about brushing my teeth. You know, I do it so many times.
3419
3420James D. Rolfe: Uhm, my background is in film-making, so, to me, making game reviews is a much simpler process than making movies. So, I kinda forgot that, well, there is a lot that goes into making game reviews and, uhm, is actually so much that I could sit here for like three hours, and still, you know, there could be more things to talk about that I forgot to mention. Uhm, so, what I'm gonna do is, I'm gonna talk about the making of a simple episode. Ahm, really elaborate episodes like Crazy Castle, Ninja Gaiden, R.O.B. the Robot, those are like a whole other level production, so, uhm, but you can see the making of Crazy Castle on the bonus features on the AVGN volume 4 DVD.
3421
3422James D. Rolfe: Anyway, I'm just gonna talk about the making of a basic Nerd episode from start to finish. I'm gonna document the whole process. Now it's not gonna be, like a full episode, it's gonna be like a short sample of an episode. So, this is just a demonstration.
3423
3424James D. Rolfe: Let's pick a game. Now the whole fate of the video, whether it turns out good or not, it all depends on the choice of game. You know, it has to be bad, but it has to have some funny things to say about it and everything. Uhm, for some reason the ones that always turn out the best, I think, are the NES games. I don't know why, but it just seems like NES is like my safe zone. Now, there is two kinds of games. There is ones that I remember from my youth, and then there is ones that just I found out about. Like the Atari Porn games, for example. I didn't know about those when I was a kid. So, uhm, I had a hit list, you know, in the beginning, like just the list of all games I wanted to do. But then, there'll be new discoveries that come along all the time, you know, I get some requests and maybe, like the requests help steer my decision, you know, like all, all good episodes I've always wanted to do, like, you know, like Jaws is one, uhm, Fester's Quest, you know I wanted to do that from the beginning, but then, I'll find out about a game like Plumbers Don't Wear Ties, and it's like oh, wow, that'll make a good one.
3425
3426James D. Rolfe: So, when I was doing these like two videos a month, like, I don't really have much time to pick a game, I had to, you know, just go to my list and go to the next one that was in line. But uhm, you know, it's better when I have more time to just sit around and play some of these games until I can decide which one will make the best video. It also depends a lot how many other video projects I'm working on at the moment, how busy my personal life is, uhm, like the R.O.B. the Robot video, for example, I knew that, that video was gonna take me a whole month to do. So, like, for now, for example, let's pick uhm, you know, Barbie. I mean, you know, you look, you look at this, and it's like OK, that's gotta be bad. You know, but we don't know till we play. Let's try.
3427
3428James D. Rolfe: Now, while I'm playing the game, I'm also recording it because I record everything I play onto a DVD recorder. Every system I have here is connected to the DVD recorder, which of course goes to the TV so I can see it. How do you connect this many systems to one thing? It's a mess. It's not recommended, but what I do, a lot of them use coaxial cables, which suck. You can see, right over there, they all go into a splitter, which goes into the back of the VCR here, and then for all the ones that use the RCA composite video cables, they go into these different switchers. We have Switcher A, Switcher B, and Switcher C. Now, it's very hard to keep track of this, so that's why I have a chart, and this helps me keep track. Say, for example, I'd wanna play the CD-i, I don't know why I would ever want to play that again, but it would go into Switcher C, which would be set to 4, VCR would be set to Line 2, and the DVD-R would be set to Line 1. The AC adapters are an outstanding mess, I do not recommend this. You could risk an electrical hazard. But I've been doing it pretty safely because I have surge protectors, I never turn on more than one system at a time, and when they're not in use, I turn them off.
3429
3430James D. Rolfe: No matter how simple, every video involves the same steps. Playing the game, writing the script, shooting the video and recording the voice-over, and editing the video. It's never been any different; you can't just hit "record" and have it all happen instantaneously. We can try it, though.
3431
3432James D. Rolfe: OK, so Barbie loves reading about mermaids. OK, she's getting sleepy. Uh, see I can't think of much to say about this. OK, so the game starts. Alright, she jumps pretty damn slow. There's a bunch of B's, there's a ball, with a fuckin' tennis racket, there's a little dog. Uhhhhh, I'm shittin' out baseballs. Uhm, there's Toucan Sam. Can't figure out how to get past the wall. I'm gonna throw a ball to Toucan Sam. Nothing's happening.
3433
3434James D. Rolfe: See, this game is giving me some possibilities, but I'm not an improv kind of guy, so I can't just run through it like this and spit out creative gold. I gotta go through it and develop it some.
3435
3436James D. Rolfe: So, at this point, I'm trying to decide whether or I wanna use this game or not for the video, and if I don't think it's working out, I'll give it 15 minutes and I'll turn it off and I'll try something else. If I think "yeah, this is workable, I can do this," then that's when it goes from casual gaming to making a Nerd episode. So this is the point of no return. I'll get out my laptop or my notepad and I'll start writing down notes. What am I writing? Anything I think I might wanna use for the video. I come across something in the game, I'm like "Oh, I'm gonna wanna remember that," I write it down. And, um, a lot of times Mike is here and he'll be helping me out writing the notes. Sometimes I'll be playing and he'll be writing the notes so I don't have to keep pausing and doing double duty. Most of the time it's just me. I'm also writing down the time codes for everything that happens. You can see the timecode right on the DVD recorder. It's gonna be handy later to be able to find all these parts again because I might have hours and hours of footage and then I'll just gonna be scanning through, trying to locate this. So writing down the timecode and all that, it may seem like a lot of extra work at first, but in the long run, it's gonna save a lot of time.
3437
3438James D. Rolfe: Now of course, as I'm playing the game, I'm recording it, and I'm recording my own authentic experience of playing through it, so, um, when you see me die in the game, I'm really dying. I don't pretend to do it like I used to, like in the Karate Kid video, I was deliberately running into enemies and dying on purpose, but I don't do that anymore. Now I make sure everything I play is authentic.
3439
3440A big question is, "How long do I play the game?" Well, basically, once I have enough notes and enough material to work with, then the job's done. But I want it to feel complete. I don't always have to beat the game, but I want to make sure that I found everything in the game I think I wanna talk about, and I don't know what that is until I play it. If there's something later in the game, like if I know there's something at the end that I wanna show, sometimes I'll use a password or a code or something, but not very often because then I'll always regret missing something down the line. Like in the Ninja Turtles video, I didn't even show the Technodrome, and that was a big part of the game. So I always regretted that later on. So I never wanna feel like I'm missing anything. You know, this is all about playing the game authentic. A lot of people ask "Why don't I use emulators?" I know on emulators, from what I understand, there's ways to cheat and like skip through the game and stuff, but that's not the point, like I need to really play it. And I just couldn't see myself hunched over at a keyboard playing it. No, playing a game is sitting back on the couch with a controller in my hands. This is it, this is the real deal.
3441
3442James D. Rolfe: Playing the game is the easiest part. Now comes writing the script. This is the most unpredictable phase of the whole production because it just depends on what kind of mood I'm in. I can just stare at a blank screen and I'm just not feeling creative and the ideas just aren't coming. So then usually I have to like, distance myself from it for a bit, go work on a different project or do something different, and then other times I'm not even trying and then the ideas will come when I'm not home or if I'm in bed, and I can't go to sleep until I write it down. So the writing process just depends on what kind of mood I'm in.
3443
3444James D. Rolfe: So basically what I'm doing here, I'm taking all my notes and I'm putting them all into categories. I'm just organizing everything so that it's just constant rambling. It actually has some kind of structure. Like I'll take all the parts where I'm talking about the graphics and I'll put that all in its own section. And I'll take the parts where I'm talking about weird enemies and I'll do the same for that. And I'll kind of structure the whole script so it has like a beginning, a middle and an end.
3445
3446James D. Rolfe: Any research I need to do on the game, like if I wanna talk about the history behind it or anything important that you need to know, I do that now. Like if I wanna talk about Barbie, where Barbie came from or something, I do that now. Also, talking about the control of the game, like how it plays, like I don't wanna go too in depth, because if I describe the game too much I start to sound like an instructional manual. I want it to be funny too, but being funny is the hardest part because it has to come natural; I can't really force humor, you know. Let's just try this out. "What's the meaning behind Barbie dreaming about balls?" This has gotta be a ball joke.
3447
3448James D. Rolfe: Swearing is an Angry Nerd tradition, I gotta keep that going. But it has exhausted its vocabulary. Words are words. My favorite parts are when the Nerd is speaking; when it's all in the facial expressions. I always considered myself a visual artist, and never considered writing my best skill. But I just work at it until I think it's good. A lot of bad habits I have are tongue twisters, sentences that go on too long, unintentional rhyming, unintentional alliteration, words that repeat too often.
3449
3450[Clip From Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles]
3451
3452The Nerd: Every time you fall down, you have to walk through the entire room all over again. All the enemies come back so you have to fight everybody all over again.
3453
3454James D. Rolfe: Whenever I use the same word a lot, like in the Ninja Gaiden video, in the original script I said "impossible" like five times, so I changed it and basically I proofread the script and then if I see a word repeated too often, I use a thesaurus, so I think using a thesaurus is very important. It helps a lot.
3455
3456James D. Rolfe: So once I finish the script, it's time to record the voice-over. Equipment, nothing special: Samsung mike, about $50, op filter, about $30, and Alesis mixer, about a hundred. Voice-over is a required skill; you have to be able to act with your voice and you know be able to read it and make it sound natural. I used to have a full-time job doing corporate videos, and a big part of the job was doing voice-overs and directing many different narrators and lots of people had problems with it, so I saw what all the issues were and I learned through experience. But still, I'm not perfect.
3457
3458James D. Rolfe: [Reading VO] What the hell is going on? And there's fish that flop... (clears throat) ...and there's fish that flop all over. Ugh...this is...ugh...this is actually way more difficult than I thought. Augh...FUCK!
3459
3460James D. Rolfe: There are rare exceptions when I can't recreate an authentic reaction from the game like "augh, fuck, shit", you know, like sometimes I need to actually see the game to see what's happening, so for some of those parts I will actually, like, watch my footage while I'm recording it or play the game and try to record my voice-over as it's happening. So, it doesn't happen that often, but sometimes I'll do parts like that and do a little, like, improv.
3461
3462James D. Rolfe: And the next step is the shooting. Notice how I put certain paragraphs in boldface. That's because these sections are intended for on-screen, meaning this is when you see the Nerd.
3463
3464James D. Rolfe: So now it's time to shoot the video. Technically I could have done the voice-over after the shooting. You know, it doesn't really matter what order I do it in, but as you can see I have plenty of Nerd shirts because they get fucked up all the time. Blood stains, shit stains, missing buttons, whatever.
3465
3466James D. Rolfe: As far as lighting goes, I've used all kinds of different things in the Nerd videos. Sometimes something as simple as a desk lamp with a piece of paper to soften it. And you know, I've used a pro light here on most of them, so whatever you want to use just try experimenting. I've used all kinds of different lighting setups in the Nerd videos and achieved all kinds of different results.
3467
3468James D. Rolfe: All right, so now we're set up to shoot some Nerd. Uh, this is a Sennheiser microphone, about 500 bucks, uh, this one, this is my camera, I used to use a Panasonic DVX; I just switched to an HVX, which is what this is. Used, it was about three grand with batteries and everything. Now let's talk about how the audio works on this camera because I'm plugging it straight in. I don't have any, like, any advanced audio hardware or anything, so what I get on this microphone is a very shallow range. It's always too quiet or too loud, and, you know, you could adjust that in the editing, but there's only so much you can do. You want to try to get the audio right the first time when you're recording because if not, then you're raising the audio levels when it's quiet and then you get lots of background noise and then when it's loud and you bring it down it's still not going to help with distortion, you know, when the audio peaks it gets all muffled up. So basically this records on two separate tracks and you can see I have them both adjusted a little differently. So, this is where I adjust them. I'll have one set for when the Nerd is speaking normally, and then I'll have the other one set for when I'm shouting and that way in the editing, I can switch between the two tracks as needed.
3469
3470James D. Rolfe: I'm gonna adjust this shot here. Sometimes I have friends helping out, but most of the time I'm a one-man crew. Just gonna focus this here. All right, gonna close down the iris, all right, and that should be pretty good. And...forgot the pens, almost. Actually they're Sharpies, but you wouldn't believe how many times I shot takes and then realized I forgot the pens. Oh, yeah, it happens.
3471
3472James D. Rolfe: So right now I'm rehearsing off the script because unlike the voice-over segments where I'm reading, this time I have to memorize it. Um, I choose not to use a teleprompter or anything like that. In fact, in the old days, I used to tape the script, like, over here, near the TV or wherever it was and I would just read off of it. So now I don't do that. I still look at the TV; like, I'm focused on the TV and then shift my attention to the audience here and there, but the script I just memorize it, and if I do forget some of the lines I'll give myself freedom to improvise here, so if I come up with something new on the spot I'll allow myself to do that. Just act in the moment.
3473
3474James D. Rolfe: [Memorizing the script] Fucking Barbie. Plastic pink mall-shopping bimbo ball-craving bird-riding ghost-fighting fish-flopping psycho-dreaming hair-brained piece of shit. Plastic...pink...mall shopping, bimbo, ball-craving, bird-riding, ghost-fighting... Fucking Barbie. You fucking pink plastic... Fuck this game. Fucking Barbie. You fucking pink plastic mall-shopping ball-brained fish-flopping, ball... [coughs]
3475
3476James D. Rolfe: Now I'll get shots of the game cartridge or anything else I'll need. [Takes Barbie cartridge out of the Nintoaster and places it back in]
3477
3478James D. Rolfe: Now we're up to the editing. Now the editing is a big part. I'm not going to give a whole editing class and teach you how to edit, but, lots of people asked what kind of editing software do I use? Well, use whatever works for you. But what I use is Final Cut Pro. That's what I've been using for the past 6 years or so. Before that I used Adobe Premiere, I've used Avid, but then I went Mac, and never went back.
3479
3480James D. Rolfe: The first step is editing the voice-over, because the voice-over is the whole skeleton which you build on top over. The voice-over dictates the whole video. So, basically, what I'm doing here I'm cutting out all the pauses and all my mistakes, like, I'm gong to get rid of this take here. (VO: Even the craziest psychopaths on Earth don't dream this shit.) I will stop it there, and, there it's gone, and (VO: Even the craziest psychopaths on Earth don't dream this shit.) Usually the second take is better, um, like right here I can tell just by the wave form that this is two takes of the same thing, so I'm not going to bother to listen to the first one and save myself time so usually I just scrub through and then I just take it here and delete it. Of course I'm editing with one right hand now but still... (VO: And there's fish that flop... [clears throat]). Usually once I have the voice-over cut I'll start to adjust all the parts where I'm, like, you know, shouting and I want to keep the audio levels consistent. So I'm going to bring it up here when I'm talking softly and then when a part comes up where I'm, like, shouting, then I'll bring the volume down, you know, and then here, I'm kinda like, in between, so, I'll bring it up maybe there, and, you know, that's how it goes.
3481
3482James D. Rolfe: So after I have the voice-over parts all edited, now I'm editing the visual portions, so I'm laying down all the game clips on top of the voice-over to match what I'm talking about so I'll cut it to the rhythm of my voice so that everything matches up. Let's see what I'm talking about here. (VO: There's a puppy dog that's helping her attack evil stockings or something.) Okay, so there's a part where a dog's attacking a piece of clothing or something, so, I could scrub through this footage. Where is that part? Where is, where is that? You know, this could be, like, say this was a normal situation where I have like maybe 2 hours of game footage, maybe even more, you know, like those Zelda CD-i videos, like each one of those was 7 hours each. So, you know, it could take a while to find that part and so that's why the time codes come in handy, so I'll bring up my time codes, and here we go. 15:20 I have "the dog ate the stocking or whatever" so now I'll go to 15:20. Okay, so I'm around here, and there we go.
3483
3484James D. Rolfe: Now, say I make a reference to another game, like I need a clip from like just for example, like say, Terminator, then if I know I already have footage of the Terminator game or whatever it is I'm looking for, then I'll bring up this list I have here, and this is my archives. This is all the game footage I have recorded. It just goes on and on and on so this could take forever to find it, so I'll just do a search like this. I'll do "Terminator", you know, and there we go. There's my Terminator clips. How do I find it? 5-59. So these are my archives, these big-ass books full of DVDs. So I got the book and page number, book 5, and page 59, and there it is. Like I said, I record every game I play, and it always comes in handy later. Like say I want to show the ending of Super Metroid. That can take a long time to play, but, I already have it recorded.
3485
3486James D. Rolfe: In the old days I used to record on VHS until I started taking this more serious.
3487
3488James D. Rolfe: If I want to take a clip from a previous Nerd episode like Simon's Quest for the 9 millionth time, I can go on one of my hard drives and here I have instant access to all the Nerd episodes. And if I really need some old raw footage, I always have my old MiniDV tapes.
3489
3490James D. Rolfe: So once you have all the clips where they're supposed to go, now we start the sound editing. So this is basically where we try to even out the game music with the voice-over so that everything sounds balanced. Like if you listen to it right now (Muffled VO: ...mall of fountains that shoot water up her dress. And there's fish that...) So you see it's like, you know, the music is too loud, so I'm going to bring it down, and, basically what I'm going to do here, the part where like I'm not speaking, if there's like a little pause, I will bring the music up so that, you know, the music will kinda like ramp up as I pause. So something like this: (VO: And there's fish that flop all over.) And I'm gonna do that to the whole thing. I'm gonna even out everything.
3491
3492James D. Rolfe: One thing that gets really tricky about sound editing is trying to keep the music sounding like smooth. Like if you take a game like Super Pitfall, and, you hear the music... (Super Pitfall theme plays) ...it's awful; it repeats all the time, but you get that melody in your head and it actually sounds worse because then it's all chopped up and sounds something like this ("edited" Super Pitfall theme plays and skips parts) so you know it's a little disorienting to the ears, especially if it's a game with a very recognizable tune like Michael Jackson's Moonwalker and you got all those Michael Jackson songs. It's like you know, it just doesn't sound right when it's been edited.
3493
3494James D. Rolfe:  So what I do in these situations is I try to look for the parts I don't really care much about like maybe this part. There isn't really any key sound effect there. There's no reason I need that so I'll get rid of that, and then I'll stretch this part out, you know, to fill it up. And then, you know, I might end up using, like some cross-dissolves and smooth it out a bit. So, it's basically like one big tricky puzzle just to make, you know, make the sounds as good as it can be.
3495
3496James D. Rolfe: Now the best solution to this, which is...way more time-consuming than it's worth, is actually to go back to the beginning of the game and record like one, like, constant music loop without any sound effects in it and then record all the sound effects clean like sometimes in the beginning of a game there is a sound test and you can get all the sound effects and then basically go back to all your edits and just lay down one constant music track that loops and then put all the sound effects back in. It solves the problem, but it is very time-consuming, and unfortunately I have not done it very often.
3497
3498[Footage from Castlevania and Ninja Gaiden episodes]
3499
3500James D. Rolfe: Now just to give you an idea of how complicated these projects can get sometimes, this is the old timeline from the Super Mario Bros. 3 video where Super Mecha Death Christ is fighting the Devil. You can see there's tons and tons of sound effects going on here. Lots and lots of visual effects, you know, and, it's not really the best example unless I was actually working on it right now because these clips aren't connected anymore, because it's an old project, but I will tell you a little bit about the visual effects.
3501
3502James D. Rolfe: With effects, sometimes I'll use after-effects for a program like that, but usually everything I do is just Photoshop in Final Cut, like I'll do all the graphics in Photoshop and then I'll do all the animation in Final Cut. It's as simple as that. That's the simplest solution because these are quick web videos and I gotta get them out really fast. One time Mike and I were at a bar. We were talking to Dave Willis from Aqua Teen Hunger Force. He's the voice of Meatwad and Carl and we were asking him about effects and he said "Just do it in Photoshop", and that's something I've lived by ever since. Photoshop is like duct tape. It fixes everything. A lot of times when I shoot videos I make mistakes. In the R.O.B. episode for example I accidentally left the gyros on R.O.B., but this is before I'm supposed to have the gyros. So I actually had to Photoshop them out frame by frame. I have to decide if it's worth re-shooting or not and usually it's quicker to just do it in Photoshop.
3503
3504James D. Rolfe: Sometimes there's a script in the shot or a blue mike. Parts like these I don't have to use Photoshop. I can do it all in Final Cut just by taking a part of the video that doesn't have it and then lay it on top of the footage. It's seamless and you never notice.
3505
3506James D. Rolfe: Color correction is something I also gotta do. Even though this is less cinematic than a movie, still, I gotta adjust the colors. The original Silver Surfer video was an example of me forgetting to color-correct. The whole video had an orange tone.
3507
3508James D. Rolfe: After everything's done, it's still not done. It's never done when I think it is, because I'll always notice some kind of mistake at the last minute. So, usually, when I finish these videos I like to give it some time, go do something else, come back with a fresh mind, and look at it. I show it to friends. Usually the first person to see it is Mike, and usually somebody will catch some mistake I make like the funniest one I can think of is in the Street Fighter 2010 video. I was describing the final boss and I said he looked like Grimace from Sesame Street. Grimace is not from Sesame Street; he's from McDonald's, so luckily somebody caught that.
3509
3510James D. Rolfe: But other things I have to fix are more technical. Like, sometimes, when I'm looking at the game footage in Final Cut, something will actually look different when the video's been finalized and compressed. Like, for example in the Double Dragon III video there was a part where I was talking about how when there's lots of enemies on the screen they all flicker, but in the final video they didn't look that way anymore. So it's strange and like the Castlevania videos I remember when the character goes into that post-hit invincibility, you know, when they're flickering, it didn't show up that way. Instead, the character was, like, invisible and you couldn't even see what was going on. So, things like that just look different. There's one where I was talking about a glitch in the game where you can only see the character's head; it was just this, like, disembodied head. In the final video, you saw the whole body. So, it's just something you can't predict. It has to do with, like, changes in the frame rate, or the field dominance or something like that I can't always pinpoint. So in these situations I usually just cut those parts.
3511
3512James D. Rolfe: So in a nutshell, that's how a Nerd video is made. How long does the whole process take? Well, it depends on the video. It depends on the game. It depends on the level of production. I'd say on an average, probably 30 to 40 hours for one video. I always keep an hourly log of every video I do, just to see how fast I can do. You know, because for me it's kinda like a game to see if I can beat my record.
3513
3514James D. Rolfe: The Dragon's Lair video for example was one of the shorter ones. That one took only 16 hours. The R.O.B. the Robot video now that one took 122.5 hours. While I was editing the effects for the R.O.B. video, while I was animating all those lasers and shit I had time to actually listen to every one of these Iron Maiden CDs, plus the live albums. That's how long it took.
3515
3516James D. Rolfe: I'm always listening to music when I edit unless it's involving voice-over or any kind of audio. Music is the only thing that keeps me sane. Well, that's pretty much it. The hardest thing about making the videos is just finding time to make them and trying to balance them with my personal life because I have so much other crap going on. It's hard not to be distracted by other things all the time. Like, say, the video takes 40 hours to make, I might only get 3 hours a day to work on it, so, there's no easy shortcuts. It's a time-consuming procedure, but it's nice to know that so many people are watching. So thank you for making it worthwhile. I know there's a lot of other questions that, you know, I could address, so if you have any other questions, just leave them on my site in the comments section on Cinemassacre.com underneath the video, and maybe I'll do another Q&A of some form later and address some of them. So thanks, and let's check out the Barbie video.
3517
3518[As the Nerd]
3519
3520The Nerd: No degeneracy is low enough to satisfy the shit-seeking gamer who decides to play Barbie on NES. We know that most games on NES are targeted towards young boys. So, here's one for the girls. As an adult male, why would I ever want to play this? Because I'm pathetic, and I'm asking for hell!
3521
3522The Nerd: It starts with the most casual intro for any game I've ever seen. Barbie's reading a book about mermaids. Then she talks about going to bed and actually begins listing all the things she's going to do the next day. Swimming at the beach, having lunch, shopping at the mall, and meeting Ken at a party. Sounds like an exciting game already! Then she goes to sleep and the game begins. I wonder if this is supposed to be a real human Barbie or a plastic doll Barbie. From the way she moves, I'd say she's a plastic doll.
3523
3524The Nerd: So the game is basically her dream. In case you ever wanted to know what Barbie dreams about. She dreams about a nursery that's been overtaken by a poltergeist. Tennis rackets are hitting balls all over the place, there's clothing flying around, she has to fight the invisible woman, there's a puppy dog that's helping her attack evil stockings or something, Toucan Sam gives her a lift. I wonder if there's any psychological meaning behind these dreams. Barbie's really fucked up in the head. Even the craziest psychopaths on Earth don't dream this shit.
3525
3526The Nerd: The wallpaper's covered in roses, teddy bears, and baseballs. I guess you can say this game is balls to the wall. I can't help but notice how many balls are in the game. They're everywhere! Perhaps the meaning behind this is because she's obsessed with Ken's balls.
3527
3528The Nerd: The first boss battle's like you're fighting a window shutter or laundry chute that causes earthquakes and shoots beach balls. What the hell is going on? What's stranger is how you beat the boss. You have to select the double arrow and throw your thingamajig at the cat which causes the cat to attack the laundry chute or whatever it is.
3529
3530The Nerd: Then there's a part where you have to walk through a never-ending mall of fountains that shoot water up her dress. And there's fish that flop all over. This is one of those parts where you have to get the pattern down. It takes time and patience, but it never fucking ends. Ugh, this is way more difficult than I thought. Augh! Urrrgh!
3531
3532The Nerd: I just got my ass handed to me by a Barbie game. This game is made for little girls and I can't even get past the first few stages. Fuck this game. Fucking Barbie. Plastic pink mall-shopping bimbo ball-craving bird-riding ghost-fighting fish-flopping psycho-dreaming hair-brained piece of shit! Go to Hell! (drinks Rolling Rock)
3533
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3621Transcripts, Transcripts of 2006 Angry Video Game Nerd episodes
3622Transcript of AVGN episode McKids
3623EDIT
3624 
3625COMMENTS (2)
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3628MV5BOGUwN2I5MTctNTk0OS00MjYxLWI3Y2EtNTY3NGFjNWE2ZjlmXkEyXkFqcGdeQXVyMTQzMjU1NjE@. V1 
3629['The Angry Nintendo Nerd' theme song and intro plays.]
3630
3631McKids is nothing more than an advertising vehicle, much like games such as Yo! Noid and 7-Eleven Spot. Now some people out there may actually like this game, and to be fair, it isn't one of the worst games in the NES library. There are definitely much crappier games such as Bugs Bunny's Birthday Blowout and Silver Surfer, for example. So anyway, let's check out McKids.
3632McKids - Angry Video Game Nerd - Episode 7
3633McKids - Angry Video Game Nerd - Episode 7
3634
3635So there's Ronald with his magic bag... bag of hallucinogenic drugs. I always thought that clown was one scary motherfucker. The Hamburglar stole his bag, apparently.
3636
3637Alright, this is the first level. Now, does it look familiar? So where have I seen this before? Jumpin' around, collecting M's. Oh, like coins in Mario Bros.? Like, yeah, that's where I've seen this! It's just like Super Mario Bros. 3. Let's check it out. I mean, the map looks similar, same idea; the stages are designed the same. Jumping on enemies, I mean... everything looks the same. Mario's controls are a lot better, though. Well, pretty much everything is better.
3638
3639So back to McKids. You know, I changed my mind. It actually is pretty original. I mean, walkin' upside-down, I mean, that's pretty creative.
3640
3641[The in-game character spins around and moves backwards in the level at high speed.]
3642
3643Whoa, makes me feel sick. They must have been on crack when they came up with this game. So you go around collecting cards that ya need to beat the level. So... there you go, into Ronald's magic zipper, runnin' around through Magic McDonald World.
3644
3645[The in-game character spins backwards through the level again.]
3646
3647God, that really makes me nauseous. And don't try to kill anything with those blocks; that really doesn't work too well. Collect some more useless M's that don't do anything. Alright, here's a shitty bonus game. You jump on these arrows that make ya go up. You gotta jump on the white ones until you get to the top, and then when you get to the top, you go into another zipper, and you collect some 1-ups which, aren't really that important because, there's a part where you can get a whole bunch of 'em.
3648
3649Then you go to Birdie's stage. Stupid feathered fuckin' bird bitch.
3650
3651[The in-game character collects some M's in the shape of a smile and two eyes.]
3652
3653Heh, cute smiley face. You know what's a big problem with this game? I mean, you never know what's below you. You just fall and die.
3654
3655[The in-game character falls down a bottomless pit.]
3656
3657Fuckballs! This game's so bad, they actually invented a way to end it by pushing Start and Select at the same time. So you get this block which makes ya heavier, so you can jump higher, well, lower, really. And now, you have another 1-up that you don't need, so that's just a waste of time. Oh, and look! I died anyway, so, what a waste. Oh, God! Look, a McFlurry man! Those guys are badass!
3658
3659So how do I get that card? Oh, every kid knows how to do this. Just get the secret passageway under the clouds. Yeah, that's easy to figure out. Kids will have the patience to figure that out, 'cause, you know, kids have a lot of patience... especially the ones with ADD, such as myself.
3660
3661Then you go to Grimace's board. Here's Grimace, the big purple fuck. Look at his house! It looks like Barney the Dinosaur's testicle. Okay, so here's the part where you can get a billion 1-ups. So ya get just two 1-ups here, and then you go back into the board again. You die here, but ya always get one extra, so if you have an hour to waste, then, there ya go. (chuckles) Have fun. You're completely wasting your time anyway if you're playing this game, as I am. Let alone make a fuckin' video about it.
3662
3663And some people like to call 1-ups "extra guys" or "free mans". I like to call 'em life insurance. Look how bad the jumps are. Look at this. What a shitload of fuck! All I wanna do is get down to that barrel, but it's such a pain in the ass! And it keeps bouncin' me back up! Fuckfarts! It never ends with this game. It's just like an infinite turd coming out of my ass, just like an endless rope. I mean, when the fuck's it gonna be over? I can't stand this shit!
3664
3665Watch the moose! Grab a block and try to kill him. Unfortunately, it just bounces and misses him. Now look at this. Would ya ever guess that you're supposed to jump off this cliff? And this ship really minds me of Super Mario Bros. 3 again. And also, why is this guy walkin' on water? Who does he think he is, Jesus Christ?
3666
3667Then you gotta talk to the Professor, another one of Ronald's stoner friends. And he tells you to get more cards, which makes me just wanna punch him. Even worse, you gotta go to the moon, where you meet CosMc. Now who the hell's CosMc? Did they run out of McDonalds characters? What about Captain Crook or Big Mac? No, CosMc. I never heard of him. I guess there's nothin' more you can expect but a shitty character like that. I mean I bet the people who designed the game were paid minimum wage.
3668
3669So anyway, you're on the moon, so you're floatin' around, and then there's these tentacles that come out and kill ya wherever you go. And ya really gotta bust your balls to find all those cards. Like, there's this one that's high up in the air, and even when you get it, you jump back down and somethin' kills you and you gotta start the whole level all over again. Assballs!
3670
3671So here you are at the last stage, Robble Robble. You gotta get the cards from Hamburglar. So, you gotta get across the lava by throwing these blocks in it while all this stuff is shootin' at ya. Fuck! So look at this: this is some kind track ya have to move on. But ya can't because the controls are so hard. So do ya hit A or B? I don't know; I have no idea how to control this. You'd think you can just hold the A button or something, but no, of-of course not. That would be too simple. They have to make it like, you do these little taps with the button to make it move. And the controls just... suck ass. What a piece of shit! A little kid could never figure this out.
3672
3673So finally, when you get through all these crazy obstacles, you get up here, you walk all the way to this lava pit, and you don't have any blocks to float over it; you can't go around it, so... what do you do? Guess you just gotta commit suicide.
3674
3675[An image of the Nerd pops up in the bottom-right corner of the screen, similar to Mortal Kombat 2.]
3676
3677Toasty!
3678
3679Categories:
3680TranscriptsTranscripts of 2006 Angry Video Game Nerd episodes
3681Community content is available under CC-BY-SA unless otherwise noted.
3682Recent Wiki Activity
3683Mike Matei
3684Gokucock • 2 days ago
3685List of Angry Video Game Nerd Adventures Hazards and Enemies
3686Prabowo Muhammad • 4 days ago
3687Transcript of AVGN Episode Universal Studios Theme Parks Adventure
3688FrankRTWiw • 4 days ago
3689James & Mike Mondays
3690HorrorFan01 • 4 days ago
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3692
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3741
3742~~~~~~
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3764Transcripts, Transcripts of 2006 Angry Video Game Nerd episodes
3765Transcript of AVGN episode Friday the 13th
3766EDIT
3767 
3768COMMENTS (5)
3769 
3770SHARE
3771MV5BYjJjNDRmMDgtNDMxZS00ZjMwLWE2ZjMtYzg4NWUyMTBlYmIyXkEyXkFqcGdeQXVyMTQzMjU1NjE@. V1 
3772Avgn matei as jason
3773Mike Matei as Jason Voorhees
3774
3775Friday the 13th - NES - Angry Video Game Nerd - Episode 12
3776Friday the 13th - NES - Angry Video Game Nerd - Episode 12
3777
3778The Nerd: Well... Friday the 13th on Nintendo. What can ya say? The knife goin' into the eye in the beginning right away should be an indication of how... cool it is. This game is infamous for being... great, right? I mean, everybody loves this game, because it's awesome. I mean, the concept is just brilliant. Adapting a series of R-rated slasher movies for all the kiddies to play? Great idea.
3779
3780The Nerd: There's six camp counselors you can play as, whether they're characters from the movie or not, I don't care, because... it's a good game. Goin' around throwin' rocks at zombies, collecting lighters, runnin' around tryin' to find fireplaces to light... what more could ya ask for? Oh, and every great game has a map screen. And being that the game is mostly side-scrolling, you can't tell which direction you're supposed to be goin'. But... but that's cool. That's cool. It makes it more challenging. I like that. Like when you're walkin' left, but you're really heading to the right on the map? I love figurin' that shit out. I love it. Just great.
3781
3782(Checks around room for about 10 seconds, then he shows a sort-of-pissed-off face)
3783
3784The Nerd: LIKE PUKE UP A DONKEY'S ASS! WHAT A SHITLOAD OF MOTHERFUCKIN' BULLFUCK! I mean, I'd rather eat snot and diarrhea vomited out of a buffalo's dick, and if you thought I was serious about this game--
3785
3786(Jason Voorhees comes out with the Nerd in a choke hold, ready to slice his head off with a machete.)
3787
3788The Nerd: (terrified) Agh! Ju-- You're absolutely right, because I was just kidding. I was just kidding, I swear! I swear to God, I was just kidding, I was just kidding! It's not a shitload of fuck. It's NOT a shitload of fuck. (Jason eases off and starts to slowly walk away; the Nerd looks amazed, and sighs)
3789
3790The Nerd: (sarcastically) Love this game. Love the way the stones keep missin' the zombies, because they go in this nice arc that flies over 'em. Fantastic. Gotta get the knife, it's mandatory.
3791
3792(8-bit alarm sound goes off)
3793
3794The Nerd: Hear that sound? That's the Jason Alarm. When you hear that, you have to switch to the map screen, and see which cabin's blinking. See right there? (highlights spot) That's where I am. And over there, that blinking cabin way over there? (highlights cabin) That's where I'm supposed to go to fight Jason. And I have a time limit, so I need to get all the way over there, as fast as I can, or else Jason kills one of the camp counselors.
3795
3796The Nerd: So, which way do I walk? I guess left, because it's left on the map screen. Sounds self-explanatory. So, here I am, just... followin' the Yellow Brick Road. (The "Follow the Yellow Brick Road" song from "The Wizard of Oz" plays) 'Cause that's what it looks like, right? The Scarecrow scene? But that's okay, because... this game kicks ass.
3797
3798The Nerd: (opens map screen, and he realizes that he's been going the wrong way) Oh, fffuck! Look at the map. I've just been walkin' in the wrong fuckin' direction. What a wonderful game! The bare basics of left and right do not apply. And that's why this game is so great, because it's free from all logic. Logic is for pussies! So, I finally get to the cabin, I walk in, and the mannequin counselor says "THANK YOU!!" Thanks for... walkin' into the cabin? I didn't fight Jason yet, but you're welcome. He's around somewhere. (walks around in cabin) Oh, yeah, he's comin'. Uh-oh, he's comin'!
3799
3800(In-game Jason pops out of nowhere, frightening the Nerd)
3801
3802The Nerd: WHOA! Well, he scared the SHIT outta me, and now he's fighting me like in Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!! (defeats Jason)
3803
3804Jason: YOU WIN... FOR NOW.
3805
3806The Nerd: So I beat him, but he'll be back.. many times. Just like in the movies. Even after they called Part IV The Final Chapter, and then they went on to make it all the way up to number ten, known as Jason X, where he's in outer space. (shows scenes from respective movies) But that's another story.
3807
3808The Nerd: So for now, I go back to walkin' around and lookin' for cabins with fireplaces. I mean, wasn't this a great idea? Isn't this fun? Like, go in 3D for the cabin parts? I love how smooth the camera angles are. The overall design, the AstroTurf floors, just ingenious. The control's so fluent, you just might have to tap the D-Pad twice to get it to move. Isn't this fun? I just love tryin' to find the door, because, there's nothin' in here, and now, I just wanna get the fuck out. Just wanna get the fuck out. (whispers) Get the fuck out. (Looks around room again, whispers again) Because it sucks. (The Nerd turns the game off, looks around trying to find Jason, who is found) Shit. (Tries to get out) Goddamn it. Goddamn it! Open, you piece of shit! Son of a fuck!
3809
3810The Nerd: Oh, shit. (Jason has him pinned) Don't kill me! (Jason shows the Nerd the game cartridge, apparently wanting him to play again, as if saying: "I won't kill you if you play this game." The Nerd looks at the cartridge) Kill me.
3811
3812(Now, while the Nerd is playing, Jason is watching over him. The Nerd looks at Jason, who points at the TV with his machete.)
3813
3814The Nerd: So I'm walkin' around, lookin' for fireplaces, answering to the Jason Alarm every once in a while. And along the way, I continue to collect lighters, keys, weird bottles, and because that rock is as useless as a wad of paper, upgrading to the knife is essential. I go into a cabin, and right away there's another mannequin camp counselor. (zooms in onto counselor) I love how they have no face. It's real creative.
3815
3816The Nerd: I love all those options on the right. (camera pans to options) Most of which could be condensed into just the simple use of the A button. But, this game just over-complicates things because it's so good. So let's try "CHANGE".
3817
3818(player character changes)
3819
3820The Nerd: Alright, we switch camp counselors. So now my character's slower, I don't have any of my items anymore, (cut to close-up on the Nerd's face), and I'm back to usin' the FUCKIN' ROCK AGAIN. That really accomplished a lot! The day-to-night transitions are nice and smooth. I mean, seriously, it's a big improvement over Simon's Quest, where a fuckin' box appears and it interrupts the gameplay. (shows gameplay from "Simon's Quest" of the "WHAT A HORRIBLE NIGHT TO HAVE A CURSE" dialogue box appearing)
3821
3822The Nerd: No need for it, but, Friday the 13th doesn't have that problem, proving that day-to-night transitions can work when done right. Jason comes out once in a while to scare the shit outta ya. (zooms in on Jason's sprite) And he looks really good in purple, doesn't he? That's a good color for him. Knowing that Jason couldn't have been the only enemy in the game, it's interesting to see the use of zombies, birds, and... even wolves to add to the mix. Even Jason's mom makes an appearance. And y'know what she reminds me of? Those annoying fuckin' Medusas from Simon's Quest! Or wait... I'm talkin' about Castlevania III. What, I hate that game, too? Well anyway, let's get back to Friday the 13th. (character gets killed) So, I'm dead. So once all six of your camp counselors are gone, the game's over.
3823
3824(Screen reads "YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS ARE DEAD. GAME OVER.")
3825
3826The Nerd: That's ingenious. That's... the best Game Over screen I ever saw. For real, I'm actually being dead serious! DEAD FUCKIN' SERIOUS. That's brilliant, right? (looks at Jason) "You and your friends are dead. Game Over." It's priceless. Like, I can't believe it! Isn't that a mean thing to say to kids? Nobody ever dies in Nintendo. They're either "defeated" or they... turn into an item and like, float away. But here comes a game, like Friday the 13th, that just cuts the bullshit, shows some balls, comes flat out and says: "You're fuckin' dead... and your friends, too." Beautiful. And what if there was a sequel? It would have to say somethin' even worse. Like, I got it. I got a good idea of what it should say. It should say: "You're dead. Your friends are dead. Your family's dead. Your fuckin' pets are bein' skinned alive. Your mom's a fuckin' whore. You suck at life. The whole world hates you. You're goin' to Hell. Live with it. Game Over."
3827
3828The Nerd: So... that's it. (the Nerd turns the game off, and then Jason chokes him, turns on the TV again, and tosses the controller at him. Using his machete, he points to the "PUSH START BUTTON" message. The camera pans to the Nerd, shaking his head) I don't know what else to say. The music? Just listen. (the overworld music plays, cuts to his face, with a pissed-off open-mouthed expression) It's fuckin' great. And even better, it loops over and over, so you get to hear the same thing constantly. Just wonderful. I love those scary faceless kids in the cabin. Makes me have nightmares. As if the map screen isn't confusing enough, when you go into the cave or the woods, you have no idea where you are. When you stand on a path, you press Up, and then the screen changes. You have no idea where you are, because the graphics are so repetitive.
3829
3830(At this point, Jason is beginning to get mad)
3831
3832The Nerd: Every goddamn screen looks the same. I can't tell where I am, or where I'm goin' with this shit! And the cabins? Just fuckin' horrible! (Jason is getting furious) I can't find the fuckin' fireplaces, I get lost once I'm inside, I can't even just simply turn around and see the door. The control's so fuckin' awkward! I'd rather play Doom on Atari. I'd rather play Halo on a Tiger Electronic wrist game. I'd rather drown in diarrhea! I'd rather fuckin' eat my fuckin' balls off and puke 'em up my fuckin' ass! I'd rather piss a cactus out of my dick!
3833
3834(Jason is raising his machete to kill the Nerd.)
3835
3836The Nerd: The music is fuckin' worse than life itself, and I'd turn the volume down, except for the fact that I have to hear the Jason Alarm! It's all just a test of patience, and it can KISS MY FUCKIN' ASSHOLE! (Throws the controller at Jason, hitting him, making him fall down in slow motion, dropping his machete, then begins to attack him) DIE! DIE! PIECE OF SHIT! UGH! HUUUURGH!
3837
3838The Nerd: (Takes out grey and silver NES Zapper from 1985 out of his pocket) You're easier to beat in real life than you are in that FUCKIN' GAME, YOU NO-GOOD, PIECE OF-! (BANG! The Nerd shoots Jason in the head, blowing his head off, leaving a puddle of blood. Cuts to the Nerd in another room)
3839
3840The Nerd: This game... is FUCKIN' HORRIBLE! (Throws the game against a wall, then drinks a lot of Rolling Rock. Later, the Nerd is asleep on the couch, with a bottle of tequila and a few empty bottles of beer. Freddy Krueger's clawed glove, accompanied by the "A Nightmare on Elm Street" theme music, comes up from behind the couch just as the Nerd wakes up and notices it. A caption reads, "TO BE CONTINUED...", then the credits roll.)
3841
3842Categories:
3843TranscriptsTranscripts of 2006 Angry Video Game Nerd episodes
3844Community content is available under CC-BY-SA unless otherwise noted.
3845Advertisement
3846
3847Recent Wiki Activity
3848Mike Matei
3849Gokucock • 2 days ago
3850List of Angry Video Game Nerd Adventures Hazards and Enemies
3851Prabowo Muhammad • 3 days ago
3852Transcript of AVGN Episode Universal Studios Theme Parks Adventure
3853FrankRTWiw • 3 days ago
3854James & Mike Mondays
3855HorrorFan01 • 3 days ago
3856
3857
3858
3859
3860
3861Help us grow Angry Video Game Nerd Wiki!
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3865The Angry Video Game Nerd (character)
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3868
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3870Nostalgia Critic
3871
3872
3873Mike Matei
3874
3875
3876Kyle Justin
3877
3878Advertisement
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3908
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3911
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3931Transcripts, Transcripts of 2006 Angry Video Game Nerd episodes
3932Transcript of AVGN episode Nightmare on Elm Street
3933EDIT
3934 
3935COMMENTS (5)
3936 
3937SHARE
3938MV5BMjU2N2I2OTItZDMwOS00Yjg1LWE2MDItNTU5OGMyMTMzYWI0XkEyXkFqcGdeQXVyMTQzMjU1NjE@. V1 
3939A Nightmare On Elm Street - NES - Angry Video Game Nerd - Episode 13
3940A Nightmare On Elm Street - NES - Angry Video Game Nerd - Episode 13
3941
3942(The Nerd continues to sleep, with him being tied up with video game controllers as he gasps.)
3943
3944The Nerd: God! What the hell?!
3945
3946Freddy Krueger: (cackles)
3947
3948The Nerd: No... NO!
3949
3950Freddy Krueger: Ya like Nintendo?
3951
3952The Nerd: (nodding his head nervously) Uh-huh.
3953
3954Freddy Krueger: Ya like to play shitty games?
3955
3956The Nerd: No...
3957
3958Freddy Krueger: (cackles) Ya fuckin' Nerd! Ya wanna play some Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde?
3959
3960The Nerd: NO! NO! NO!
3961
3962Freddy Krueger: Or do ya wanna play MY game, bitch? (Freddy cackles as he puts the game into the NES using his clawed glove.)
3963
3964The Nerd: (In the real world, tired) This game's horrible! (In dream world, in normal voice) This game is my fuckin' nightmare. It's a frustrating, incoherent pile of vomit and shit. Even the first screen is kinda weird because it shows Freddy without his glove, but his knives are still comin' out of the fingers. Now, I think I might actually have an explanation for this. In the movie, Nightmare: Part 2... nah, they just fucked up.
3965
3966The Nerd: So you play as some dude who has some serious balls because he punches snakes. Right in the fuckin' face. And you don't have to, anyway. You can just jump over them all. So this guy has the worst luck ever, because rocks randomly fall out of the sky, and flocks of vampire bats come after him.
3967
3968The Nerd: Even though it may appear to be a typical sidescroller, it isn't at all. There's nothing self-explanatory or even fun about this diarrhea mess. I can't figure out where I'm supposed to go. Some of the doors are closed and some of them are open, but it hardly seems to matter. Because, usually there's only one on the entire street that you can go inside. Whether it's open or shut, it seems completely fuckin' random.
3969
3970Freddy Krueger: Ha! Figure THAT out!
3971
3972The Nerd: So you go inside one of the houses, and guess what? It's crawling with ginormous spiders, so whaddya do? You give 'em a taste of your fist! Punch 'em! (In-game character punches a spider and the Nerd grunts) Smack 'em around! Assholes! Goddamn fuckin' spiders! Eat my ass, ya fuckin' bitches! Show 'em you're a man! Punch those spiders!
3973
3974The Nerd: (holding a fake spider) Spiders! Punch 'em! (punches spider seven times, then holds a fake snake) Snakes! You want some, too?! (slaps snake four times and throws it on the ground)
3975
3976The Nerd: So I get to this little square door on the floor, and I can't go down. The arrow says down, which probably means that's where I'm supposed to go, but, I can't. It's not 'til later I find out, I'm supposed to collect all the bones in this room first. When I first started playin' this, I had no clue what they were for, but, now I realize you have to get the bones because, that's the point of the game. And if ya can't find every single last one of them, ya can't leave the room. And some of them are practically invisible. They blend in with the background because the graphics just suck.
3977
3978Freddy Krueger: Ooh, yeah! PLAY that SHITTY game!
3979
3980​The Nerd: The plot of this game is that you're tryin' to collect all of Freddy's bones so you can destroy them in a furnace. Confused? Well, Freddy's dead, and now his bones are somehow scattered all around every house on Elm Street. Meanwhile, Freddy's entering your dreams, just like in the movies. And he can only be stopped when his final remains no longer exist.
3981
3982(Three seconds later)
3983
3984The Nerd: Damn! Freddy's got a lot of fuckin' bones! And they all look exactly the same: classic cartoon dog bone. You know, come to think of it, the plot's kinda like Simon's Quest. Why would Simon wanna go around collecting pieces of Dracula? He was killed the first time; just leave him alone! (Shows a picture of Batman tearing the Joker's skull off his skeleton) Imagine if Batman killed the Joker, and then he... scattered his pieces all over the fuckin' city, and then went around collecting them all. What a bunch of fuckin' shit!
3985
3986The Nerd: In fact, the gameplay in Nightmare on Elm Street itself is a lot like Simon's Quest. It has that strange presence to it. Where you slip in and out of day to night; in this case it's a dream world and a... awake world. It's got that non-linear quality to it where you're always confused tryin' to figure out where the fuck to go.
3987
3988Freddy Krueger: Ha! Taste the major suckage, ya fuckin' Nerd!
3989
3990The Nerd: So at the end of each house, some weird incarnation of Freddy appears. In this part, it's Freddy's hand on a bunch of balls. What were they thinkin'?
3991
3992The Nerd: So, you go around, lookin' for another house you can go in. And none of them let me in. Try the cemetery? No, can't go there. What's with the zombies? They look like Frankenstein monsters walkin' with their arms stretched out. Like, how fuckin' stereotypical is that?
3993
3994​The Nerd: Can I go in the junkyard? No. Just keep walkin' around... walkin' down, I guess it's Elm Street, which happens to be the longest fuckin' street in the world! Oh look! I just finally found a house I can go in. The one with the door that's shut. That makes sense, right?
3995
3996The Nerd: What the fuck are these?! Lollipop ghosts with stick arms? Were the enemies in this game designed by some kindergarten kid for Halloween?! I'm surprised they don't have skeletons too. (sees a skeleton) They actually do have skeletons. What the fuck?
3997
3998The Nerd: Could the villains be any more stock? Like, we have this creepy game about Freddy. What kind of creepy characters can we add? Well, how about bats, ghosts, spiders, skeletons, and... Frankensteins for the kiddies? Could it be any more un-creative than that? Like, why don't they just add some witches, black cats, and flying jack-o'-lanterns? They should've just called the game, Boo! Haunted House!, which is probably what they originally had in mind, until they thought, "No, wait! Make it about Freddy! We already ruined Friday the 13th, now let's do the same thing to Nightmare on Elm Street!" And that's right. It's by the same company. We're not gonna say who it is, but it stands for Laughin' Jokin' Numbnuts. Also, listen to the music.
3999
4000(music from the game plays)
4001
4002The Nerd: Sounds familiar, doesn't it? In fact, it sounds kinda like it's recycled from Who the Fuck Framed Roger Rabbit? Another piece of garbage they made. What were they thinking?
4003
4004Freddy Krueger: You love it, ya know ya do.
4005
4006The Nerd: So let me explain how the dream world thing works. Ya have a sleep meter that goes down. If you're standin' still, it goes down. If ya get hit, it goes down. And in time, it goes down by itself. So anything you do, or don't do, the sleep meter goes down.
4007
4008Freddy Krueger: Ain't THAT a bitch?!
4009
4010The Nerd: And once it's down all the way, you go to sleep, unless you didn't already fall asleep playin' this fuckin' game! So, when you're in the dream world, all the enemies are stronger, which doesn't even matter anyway, because you can turn into this other character that throws javelins and does the spinning jump. There's also other dream characters you can play as after you collect the dream tokens. Just like in the movie, Nightmare: Part 3... except for the dream tokens part. So if you play in the dream world for a lengthy period of time, the Freddy music starts playin'.
4011
4012(Freddy music plays)
4013
4014The Nerd: Then, OH GOD! Is Freddy comin'?! He sure is! Of all the shitty things in this game, this screen is so cheesy, that it's just awesome. But it's ruined by the fuckin' trademark symbol! (zooms in on the trademark symbol next to Freddy's name)
4015
4016The Nerd: Anyway, you fight Freddy, which turns out to be real disappointing. It's just a simple flat room, and he walks back and forth, swatting at the air like he's blind. Come on, Freddy.
4017
4018The Nerd: To get out of the dream world, you have to get the radio to wake yourself up. Then you have to wait for it to change back to the awake world. It's annoying like in Simon's Quest. But in Simon's Quest it's way worse because, it's against your own will, it happens so often, and you don't expect it. In Nightmare on Elm Street, at least you're doing it on purpose, and you get that rockin' tune, rather than just dead silence. (The Nerd gets the radio and taps the NES controller on his face with the music playing as his character wakes up.) But now, I'm using my fists again! Give me the javelin back. I wanna go back to sleep. You actually have weapons in the dream world, so, what's the point?
4019
4020The Nerd: You know what's really weird? That this game was actually capable of a 4-player mode using an accessory that allowed four controllers to be connected to your Nintendo Entertainment System? Now, I can't imagine having four people playing this game. Who's gonna wanna play this piece of shit? I'm lucky if I can get one other person. I have a better chance of cloning myself!
4021
4022(Four Nerds play the game together, yelling things such as "This is fuckin' shit!", "It's diarrhea shit!", "This game is horrible!", "Diarrhea fuck.", "It sucks!", "It's shit!", "It's balls!", "What a piece of shit.", "What a shitload of fuck.", and "What a piece of fuckin' shit.")
4023
4024Back Nerd: Hey, wait. Wait, wait, wait. I just cloned myself. I'm in a dream, I can do whatever I want, so why don't we all just stop playin' this fuckin' game?
4025
4026Left Nerd: Yeah.
4027
4028Back Nerd: So, the hell with that shit.
4029
4030Right Nerd: Yeah. The hell with that... damn shit.
4031
4032True Nerd: The hell with that damn... fuckin' shit.
4033
4034Left Nerd: THE HELL WITH THAT GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKIN' BULLSHIT!
4035
4036(Right Nerd gets up)
4037
4038True Nerd: Relax.
4039
4040(Right Nerd turns off NES, and pulls out "A Nightmare on Elm Street")
4041
4042Right Nerd: Now, what should we do with the cartridge?
4043
4044Back Nerd: How 'bout, smash it with a hammer?
4045
4046Right Nerd: Nah, that's not good enough.
4047
4048True Nerd: I know. Let's drop it out the window. (Accompanied by a dumb smile)
4049
4050Right Nerd: No, come on. Be creative.
4051
4052Left Nerd: I say we take a shit on it.
4053
4054Right Nerd: Good! Do it. Empty your ass all over it.
4055
4056Left Nerd: I don't gotta take a shit, though. You take a shit.
4057
4058Right Nerd: You gotta take a shit? Who's gotta take a shit?
4059
4060Back Nerd: I gotta take a shit.
4061
4062Right Nerd: Then take that shit!
4063
4064(Back Nerd puts cartridge on floor and squats down.)
4065
4066Back Nerd: Bombs away!
4067
4068(Back Nerd grunts and shits on the cartridge. True Nerd and Left Nerd react to the shit.)
4069
4070Left Nerd: Fuck you, diarrhea fiend!
4071
4072(Freddy Krueger's shadow is seen.)
4073
4074Left Nerd and True Nerd: (seeing Freddy Krueger's shadow) Whoa! Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Whoa, whoa!
4075
4076Back Nerd: Ugh, come on, it's not that bad.
4077
4078(Freddy Krueger cackles as he grabs Back Nerd by the face and tosses him to the ground)
4079
4080Freddy Krueger: DIE!
4081
4082(Back Nerd is stabbed in the stomach by Freddy. Right Nerd tries to run, but is tripped, and stabbed in the back by Freddy. True Nerd sees Right Nerd getting killed by Freddy.)
4083
4084Oneofthenerds
4085One of the Nerds about to get killed by Freddy.
4086
4087True Nerd: Front door, closet. Front door... Closet.
4088
4089(True Nerd gets inside closet.)
4090
4091Freddy Krueger: DIE!
4092
4093(Left Nerd checks if the coast is clear, but notices Freddy's clawed glove and gets chopped up, and falls apart. Left Nerd then flashes middle finger.)
4094
4095(True Nerd looks out, still looking suspicious. Freddy comes out of nowhere, with his face looking just like the Nerd.)
4096
4097Freddy Krueger: Whoa! Look at me! I'm a fuckin' Nerd! What a piece of shit! Buffalo diarrhea fuckfarts! (Now in serious tone) Ya see, Nerd? Nobody makes ya play these games but yourself. So you're in your own damn nightmare. Now, you're gonna die!
4098
4099The Nerd: Go yank your cock through your ass, ya fuckin' butt mongrel! I got the Power Glove!
4100
4101(Close-up shot of the Power Glove, with Freddy in awe. The Nerd grabs Freddy's glove, and he and Freddy struggle, with a Power Glove punch making Freddy explode. The Nerd wakes up, with the Power Glove still on his arm, not realizing it)
4102
4103The Nerd: (sighs) That was a weird dream.
4104
4105(suddenly, the Nerd realizes he still has the Power Glove on his arm accompanied by the "Castlevania" opening theme, and the caption reads "To Be Concluded...", then the credits roll, accompanied by the "Castlevania" Level 1 music.)
4106
4107Trivia
4108In the ScrewAttack.com and Cinemassacre.com versions, this video features an alternate opening and ending, and also features the song "Welcome to My Nightmare" by Alice Cooper over the end credits.
4109The title card for this episode is shown during the end credits, as James Rolfe didn't want to spoil the Power Glove reveal by showing it at the beginning.
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4202Transcripts of 2006 Angry Video Game Nerd episodes, Transcripts
4203Transcript of 2006 AVGN episode Rocky
4204EDIT
4205 
4206COMMENTS (2)
4207 
4208SHARE
4209Rocky
4210Angry Video Game Nerd - Rocky (Original YouTube Video With DVD Additions)
4211Angry Video Game Nerd - Rocky (Original YouTube Video With DVD Additions)
4212
4213("Gonna Fly Now" playing)
4214
4215​The Nerd: Right now, it's December 2006, and Rocky VI is comin' out. Will it be any good? Well, by the time ya see this video, you'll probably know whether or not. Or, fuck that, it's gonna be great. It's fuckin' Rocky. There hasn't been a Rocky movie in like, 16 years. I'm so psyched, that I have all five Rocky movies playin' in my house right now at the same time. 
4216
4217The Nerd: This is my projector. It's playin' Rocky up on the wall there. And on that '80s TV, I got Rocky II goin' on. Here in the bedroom, you see Rocky III playin'. Out in the living room, there's Rocky IV. And check out the computer. There’s Rocky V.
4218
4219(camera shows all the TVs and computers in his house.)
4220
4221The Nerd: Now there's one extra TV there with a Sega Master System. Hmmm.
4222
4223(examines the game's box)
4224
4225The Nerd: "Twice the Mega Power"? What's Mega Power, and how could ya have twice as much of it?
4226
4227(The Nerd puts the game in the Sega Master System and turns on the system.)
4228
4229​The Nerd: The title screen shows a nice colorful display for 8-bit graphics, though I would have preferred a traditional black-and-white side scrolling title, like in the movies. But more importantly, listen to the music.
4230
4231(the game's title theme plays)
4232
4233The Nerd: Does it sound anything like the Rocky theme? Or any of the music from the movies at all?
4234
4235Rocky Balboa: That, well, that ain't right. This whole thing here ain't right, you know?
4236
4237The Nerd: Well, the graphics are great, for the time, but, I wonder why Rocky's training in shorts? Not to mention, why Apollo's shorts? That didn't happen 'til the third movie. But anyway, this is the training stage, and you just keep tappin' the buttons. I really don't know if there's any technique, but, you just keep tappin' the buttons. Well, this is boring, don't ya think? Fuck. Cock-a-fuckin'-doodle-ass-shit-suckin'-ball-fuck, this is fuckin' boring.
4238
4239The Nerd: Okay, here we go. We're fightin' Apollo. Graphics look great, they're in the proper colored shorts, the ring, the audience, everything looks good, for 8-bit, of course. But... I can't say the same for the gameplay. All you do is tap buttons. There's a few different kinds of punches you can execute, like a hook, a straight punch, or an upper cut. And I have the manual which tells me, keepin' your distance, hitting Up and 2 does a straight punch, Down and 2 does a hook, and standin' close, uh, the 2 button alone, or Up and 2 does an upper cut. Now, I find that none of that works, so, I just tap buttons. Primarily the 2 button. The other one blocks. And besides the mere simplicity of it, it's just unpredictable as to when you're gonna hit or get hit.
4240
4241​The Nerd: The control just sucks shit balls. The worst thing about it is how ya move. Unlike a traditional control where if you push left, you go left, and if you push right, you go right, Rocky just weaves back and forth on his own. It doesn't make any sense at all. I mean, is there any way to control this? Like, how does it work? I wanna know.
4242
4243Mickey Goldmill: You don't wanna know.
4244
4245The Nerd: Yeah, I wanna know!
4246
4247Mickey Goldmill: Ya wanna know?
4248
4249The Nerd: YEAH, I WANNA FUCKIN' KNOW!
4250
4251(He reads the instructions, the part he reads scrolls up the screen. Rocky and Apollo fight against each other in the background.)
4252
4253"To move your player about the ring does not really require any specific buttons for execution. It requires the right situation because your player will be prohibited from moving unless you satisfy these conditions. If you're on the offense and attacking freely, your player will move according to the direction of your blows, and can be guided to the left/right or forward/backward with your D-button. If you're on the defense, your player will not move in the direction you want until you can guard yourself effectively (the Button 1). And then you must start dealing blows to be in control of your footwork as mentioned above."
4254
4255So'd you get that? Well, let me sum it up: IT STINKS!
4256
4257Rocky Balboa: THAT'S RIGHT, IT STINKS!
4258
4259The Nerd: It's a bunch of putrid anal shit comin' out of a rhinoceros' asshole. It fucks up the ass, shits out the mouth... piss out the nose, dookie out the ear, diarrhea out the dick, shits for the birds. The control in this game... is... poo-poo.
4260
4261The Nerd: Alright, I knock Apollo down... he starts humpin' the floor... then he gets back up. He's as easy as crap as long as you just keep tappin' the button. Knock him down; he humps the floor, he gets back up. The repetitive nature of this game is astounding. How many times can he get back up? It's embarrassing. There's no three-knockdown rule in effect, no Mario to come in and say "TKO", even though I think a technical knockout can occur in this game, it takes forever to happen. So it just goes on, and on, and on.
4262
4263The Nerd: This is just a button-masher game. I'm just tappin' the buttons, I'm not even lookin' at the game, and, what's the difference? I knocked him down, too. Dead serious. I'm dead... (chuckling) dead, dead fuckin' serious.
4264
4265The Nerd: Eventually he'll stay down, and ya win. Then you get another training stage. Just wonderful. Is there any point to this? Like, I know it's supposed to make me stronger durin' the fight, but fuck it! I don't feel like tappin' the buttons. It's only gonna make my fingers more tired, and then I'll end up losin' the fight anyway. I'd rather just wait instead. (later) Fuck it.
4266
4267The Nerd: Alright, well there's no rematch with Apollo like in the movie, so you just go straight to Clubber Lang. (Clubber Lang repeatedly punches Rocky) Wait! What's this? He's kickin' my ass! Or he's punchin' my face, whatever. Unlike Apollo, Clubber Lang will just rip your asshole inside out. Fuck! Goddamn! He's a tough son-of-a-bitch-fucker! Get up! Get up, you floor-fuckin' dickhead! Stop humpin' the floor! How does a game go from being so easy to being so fuckin' hard?
4268
4269The Nerd: Let's try again. This time, no fuckin' around. Gotta do good on those training stages. Gotta get strong.
4270
4271Mickey Goldmill: We need... greasy fast speed!
4272
4273The Nerd: I just gotta keep tapping those buttons 'til I break my thumb.
4274
4275Rocky Balboa: I should've broke your thumb!
4276
4277(Shots of the Nerd tapping buttons, fighting, with movie shots and swearing added occasionally.)
4278
4279The Nerd: FUUUUUUCK! Fuck. Damn! Fuck! Bitch! FUCK! SHIT! ASSSS! DIIIIIIIIIIIIE!
4280
4281(video zooms in on Clubber Lang's laughing sprite)
4282
4283The Nerd: I can't beat him. That's it. It's a short game anyway. There's only three opponents. Lookin' at the manual, I can see that Ivan Drago is the next and final guy that ya fight, but I'm not gonna try to torture myself to get that far.
4284
4285The Nerd: This game is ass. I'd rather take a bath in elephant feces. I'd rather... eat raw eggs. But to be perfectly fair, this was a pretty good game for its time, I guess. It hasn't aged well at all. It's no Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!!, but hey, it's Rocky, and it can't be as bad as the pinball game.
4286
4287(Cut to movie scene in "Rocky III" where the pinball machine is destroyed.)
4288
4289The Nerd: It's been about 20 years since this game came out, and it's also been about 20 years since Rocky Balboa last fought in the ring. I can't wait to see Rocky VI. And that's right, I said Rocky VI, not Rocky Balboa. So anyway, don't play the game, but... go see the movie. It can't be this bad. 
4290
4291Mickey Goldmill: It's a waste of life!
4292
4293The Nerd: It's like... a waste of life.
4294
4295Mickey Goldmill: I said that before, ya dumb dago!
4296
4297See also
4298DVD version of the transcript
4299Categories:
4300Transcripts of 2006 Angry Video Game Nerd episodesTranscripts
4301Community content is available under CC-BY-SA unless otherwise noted.
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4387Transcripts, Transcripts of 2006 Angry Video Game Nerd episodes
4388Transcript of AVGN episode Bible Games
4389EDIT
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4394MV5BYzkwYjRlM2YtYzk2NC00MmMwLWI1YzMtMWIxZWEwYzg5MmYyXkEyXkFqcGdeQXVyMTQzMjU1NjE@. V1 
4395Bible Games - Angry Video Game Nerd - Episode 17
4396Bible Games - Angry Video Game Nerd - Episode 17
4397
4398Kyle Justin: (To the tune of "Santa Claus is Coming to Town")
4399
4400♪ He's playin' some games, the worst he recalls ♪
4401
4402♪ He's gonna find out which ones suck the most balls ♪
4403
4404♪ The Angry Video Game Nerd is here. ♪
4405
4406♪ Oh, he's makin' a list, and checkin' it twice ♪
4407
4408♪ He's gonna go home and eat chicken and rice ♪
4409
4410♪ The Angry Video Game Nerd is here ♪
4411
4412♪ He hates the games that stink ♪
4413
4414♪ He knows which games to break ♪
4415
4416♪ He just might even hate them all ♪
4417
4418♪ 'Cause he's mad for fuckin' sake! ♪
4419
4420♪ You'd better watch out ♪
4421
4422♪ Don't give these games a try ♪
4423
4424♪ You better not play 'em ♪
4425
4426♪ He's tellin' you why ♪
4427
4428♪ The Angry Video Game Nerd is here ♪
4429
4430The Nerd: I'm here to talk about a series of games based on stories from the Bible. All with weird, deformed cartridges made for Nintendo systems, but without any endorsement from Nintendo. And take this one, for example: Bible Adventures. Would you want to buy this? With its weird baby-blue cartridge? That's made by a Christian gaming company that makes unauthorized Nintendo games? Let's check it out.
4431
4432Contents[show]
4433Bible Adventures
4434The Nerd: Alright, 3 games in 1. You got Noah's Ark, Baby Moses, and David and Goliath. First let's do Noah's Ark.
4435
4436Noah's Ark
4437(Begins to play "Noah's Ark")
4438
4439The Nerd: Well, there's Noah. He moves pretty fast for an old guy. The object's to get the animals in the ark. (Noah picks up an animal) Holy shit! You just pick them up? Is that how Noah did it? He did it all by himself by picking the animals up and carrying them in the ark? Well, according to Bible Adventures, that's how it happened. So there's where you drop those fuckers off. You just bring them to the door, and let those bastards run in there. You get a checklist of all the animals you need, so it's pretty simple. Go find some more, bring them back. Fun, huh?
4440
4441The Nerd: I just can't get over that. He's an old man, and not only does he pick the animals up, he lifts them over his head. It doesn't even slow him down. How can such an old man be so strong? Have you ever tried to lift a horse? Not that easy. What the shit?! Let alone a horse and an ox? Or, fuck! A horse, a cow, and two oxen?! What the fuckin' shit?! Noah's so goddamn strong, he puts the Hulk to shame! And the poor creatures are so scared shitless, they don't even try to get away! Noah, man. Nobody fucks with him. Not even Chuck Norris.
4442
4443The Nerd: The only animals that have the balls to fight back are the pigs. (The pig refuses to be picked up) Stop it! Damn pig! I'm only taking you into the ark. There's gonna be a flood. What, do you want to die? Alright, that's it. You're gonna get it. So, what do you do? You grab that... whatever that is, and you knock that motherfucker out. (Noah throws the block at the pig, knocking it unconscious) Ughhhh! Take that, bitch! Now I gotcha. You're goin' in the ark, you fuck nut.
4444
4445The Nerd: I hate those pigs. But I also hate the oxen. (Noah keeps dropping an ox) You drop them every time you jump, so you got to keep picking them back up again. The monkeys are also pretty damn annoying. Sometimes you just gotta keep chasing them around. What a sight. Look at it, an old man climbing a tree chasing monkeys. That's quite ridiculous. You fucking monkey, get back here! Now you're gonna get it. (Noah knocks the monkey out) Ughhhh! Take that, you monkey fuck! You're goin' in the ark.
4446
4447The Nerd: Another thing that's really amazing about Noah is that he can run so fast, he can actually outrun the screen, which is really annoying because you can't see where you're going, so you have to stop to let the screen catch up. Another sign of a badly-designed game.
4448
4449The Nerd: Now, it looks like we got all the animals, except the snakes. Now that's gotta be tricky, right? Grabbing them's out of the question, so let's pick up that... thing and try and knock them out. (Noah throws the block at a snake, knocking it off the tree trunk) Well, I can knock them out, but if I don't catch them, they're gone. I can't catch them, either. Shit! How do you get those damn snakes? Well, guess what? I was trying to get the wrong snakes, but how could you blame me? They're the first snakes you see in the game. Well, check this out. I go in this cave, and this is real frustrating because to climb the walls, you have to jump and hit the A button at the perfect time. Then, once you get to the top, there you go. There's your snakes. So, these are the real snakes you're supposed to get. Not the ones in the trees. They're only decoys. Challenge is one thing, but why does this game have to fuckin' trick me? So don't get the snakes that you first see when you're walking around, go take a wild guess. Climb through the cave until you find the real ones. Fuck this game.
4450
4451Baby Moses
4452The Nerd: Now you thought that was bad? A game where you collect a bunch of objects to bring back to the middle of the board? How could it get any worse? Just watch. Our next game is Baby Moses. Alright, well, the object of the game is to get to the end of the level, carrying baby Moses. Now, this is really annoying because while carrying him, there's no way to defend yourself from everything that's out to kill you, and I do mean everything. If the soldiers catch baby Moses, they throw him in the water. What assholes. And what's with this theme of carrying things? It's actually kind of a rip-off of Super Mario Bros. 2. Even the graphics kinda remind me of it. Except for those chocolate cats. Speaking of carrying things, look at how many things she can stack. What kind of picture is this? Moses’ mom carrying baby Moses, carrying a block of cheese, carrying a guy carrying a spear? I'd never thought I'd see that.
4453
4454The Nerd: Beware of the black spaces. If you jump through them, you fall in the water and die. (Baby Moses suddenly shoots up above the game) Whoa! Either that or it shoots baby Moses up in the sky. What's going on? T-this game sucks ass.
4455
4456The Nerd: God, this is annoying! The only way to have any fun at all is to throw baby Moses in the water, and then go explore the level without him. This is a weird game. What other game could you say, “I just threw baby Moses in the water”. For some reason, I just can't stop saying “baby Moses”. Baby Moses, baby Moses. When you finish the level, it says, “Good work! But you forgot..." (slight chuckle) ..."baby Moses." I didn't forget him, I just didn't want him.
4457
4458David and Goliath
4459The Nerd: Well, there's only one shitty game left: David and Goliath. Well, you're going around, carrying sheep. Yeah, are you surprised? The object is to bring four sheep to this blinking arrow to advance to the next level. The originality just stuns me. And you know what? All three games use the same music. You'd rather listen to your only infant child puking to death, that is choking on his own puke chunks. That's disgusting, I apologize.
4460
4461The Nerd: Those sheep are a bitch to carry, especially if you're trying to get past the lion. That lion hates sheep and anybody who carries sheep. However, if you go past him without the sheep, he doesn't give a shit. I can even pick the lion up and it doesn't care. Sure, try that in real life. Pick up a lion and see what happens. And while you're at it, just try to punch that lion in the nuts. Yeah, right in the fuckin' nuts. You can even use an acorn to knock the lion out. Damn! I wouldn't want to get hit by one of those acorns.
4462
4463The Nerd: Those lions are fucking wusses. (The lion appears to get hit by an acorn) What? What happened? Did you see that? That lion just fell flat on his ass. And he fell at the same time as the squirrel. So, who knocked them both out? Well, let's take a look at the whole replay and see what happened. Here, we see the squirrel throw an acorn. It clobbers the lion. BAM! Now, let's back up a bit. Just before he gets hit, this other squirrel throws another acorn, which comes right back down, and BAM! He knocked himself out with his own acorn. Dumb shit.
4464
4465The Nerd: Anyway, let's go get some sheep. I like the sheep sound effects. (BUHHHHRRRRR) Baaaaaaahhhhhh. (BUHHHRRRRR) Come on, you damn sheep. I'm not gonna hurt you. Sheepy, sheepy. (In higher-pitched tone) Sheepy, sheepy, sheepy. (normal voice) Fuck this. I feel like a stupid asshole going after all these sheep for no reason.
4466
4467The Nerd: The most fun I have in this game is watching that weird squirrel. I'm telling you, that squirrel does some weird shit. One minute it's sleeping, then it runs up and over the tree, and oh my God! (The squirrel seems to be climbing up the sky) Look at that! It's a flying squirrel. Or it's like climbing the sky. Where'd it go? Oh, there it is. Wow. They were on drugs when they made this game.
4468
4469The Nerd: Later in the game, you get a weapon. Some kind of fireball or something, I don't know. But it sucks. It's just like the rock in Friday the 13th, it arcs over everybody you try to hit. What good is a weapon that doesn't go straight? Like it deliberately dodges your target. What a piece of shit. Now, I know I'm sucking pretty bad at this, but unless you've played this, you have no idea how friggin' awful the controls are. It just feels slippery. And you feel like you have to force everything you're doing. But that makes it more likely to overshoot a jump or undershoot it trying not to. It doesn't help either that there's all these rocks coming down. And finally, when I get up here, it's not even worth it because there's nowhere to go. I can't even go in those caves. So, that's enough of this shit.
4470
4471Bible Buffet
4472The Nerd: Well, that's Bible Adventures. You thought that was weird? Well, wait until you see Bible Buffet. Yeah, Bible Buffet. When I first heard the title, I just didn't get it. My only guess was it has to do with food and the Bible. Well, guess what? I got half of that right. It definitely has to do with food. But there’s no mention of anything from the Bible anywhere in this whole game. What is this I'm looking at? It-it's a board game? In fact, it's a rip-off of Candy Land. Just look at it, all the different food-themed lands like Potato Land, Barbeque Land, Pizza Land, and Dessert Land.
4473
4474Clear NES Voice: Player 1!
4475
4476The Nerd: Oh my God, it's talking. Well, you spin the wheel, and you make some moves like any other board game, then you get to play all these weird mini-games, which sort of resembles an Atari game. The sound effects are classic. (assorted 8-bit sound effects) And it definitely resembles Attack of the Killer Tomatoes more than it does the Bible.
4477
4478The Nerd: So you lay down all these “exploding pancakes” which blow up everything. I think they're supposed to be oil drums or something, but everything else is some kind of food, so I'm just going to call them “exploding pancakes”. I mean, this is just fucking weird. It might as well be anything. I mean, look at all the stuff that's trying to kill me. Potato chips and pizzas and... pork chops and bottles, watermelons, ice cream cones, ice cubes, and cans of like, soda coming out of a vending machine? Look, a snowman. Watch this. I'm gonna blow his fucking head off. (The snowman gets his head blown off his body) Yeah, that snowman's dead as shit.
4479
4480The Nerd: Ugh, I just pushed that thing into the exit. But, there's no way to get it back out. So, now I blocked myself from finishing the level, and my only choice now is to reset the game or commit suicide.
4481
4482The Nerd: Every once in a while, you get a quiz. True or false? Umm... I guess true. True or false? Uhh... I guess false. What the hell am I guessing? It would help if I had the questions. You know where they are? They're in the manual. So, unless you still have the manual, let alone have the fucking game, you're not gonna know what the questions are. Now, what was the problem with putting the questions on the screen? Why didn't they do that instead? WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?!
4483
4484Clear NES Voice: Alright!
4485
4486The Nerd: That voice is just crazy. I-I don't know what it is, but it sounds out of place. Not that anything is in place, but I don't know. It's so rare to hear such a clear voice in a Nintendo game. But, I also suppose it's rare for Nintendo to have a Bible game with no references to the Bible, resembling Atari that's all about food trying to kill you. Yet it's also a board game rip-off with quizzes that you can't answer. And if it's a Bible game, why do you blow a snowman's head off? Whatever happened to “Thou Shall Not Kill”? Please, somebody tell me. What the Hell am I playing? I kinda like it, but I gotta turn it off before I go insane.
4487
4488The Nerd: So, let's play another Bible game. It's The Book of Genesis on Sega Genesis. And the soundtrack... is Genesis. ("Invisible Touch" plays in the background.) I'm just making this up, but let's move on to Super Nintendo and check out this game that I'm actually not making up. I couldn't even come up with anything half as crazy if I tried.
4489
4490Super Noah's Ark 3D
4491The Nerd: This is Super Noah's Ark 3D. Yet it's also referred to as Super 3D Noah's Ark, because of the way the title art’s misrepresented. So, who knows? Call it whatever you want. Call it Super 3D Fuck Farts if you want. I know it's weird, but the weirdness actually starts with the cartridge.
4492
4493The Nerd: As you can see, it looks like no other Super Nintendo game you've ever seen. In fact, it doesn't even look like a game at all. It looks more like a Game Genie. By this time, I believe Nintendo was catching on to the fact that Wisdom Tree was making these Bible games for their system without their permission, so what I think happened was when Super Nintendo came out, they put a new lockout chip inside the system, which only allows games licensed by Nintendo to work. So, how many Super Nintendo games came out not licensed by Nintendo? Well, just one, and it found a way. By plugging an official Super Nintendo game into the top of it, it overrides the lockout chip and you can play it. The question is, would you want to? Well, actually, yeah, you would.
4494
4495The Nerd: What other first-person shooter game do you get to play as Noah? I really can't believe this game exists. But, it seems to be a fact because I'm playing it. Now, does it look like Wolfenstein 3D? (Game footage of Wolfenstein 3D is shown) Yes. In fact, it is Wolfenstein 3D. It doesn't even count as a rip-off. It's the same fucking game, but with Noah. Instead of shooting Nazis, he's shooting goats. All the levels are exact duplicates, but what's really funny to know is that there's a story going around that ID, the company that made Wolfenstein and Doom, gave their own game to Wisdom Tree for them to turn it into this. Why?
4496
4497The Nerd: Well, according to the rumor, ID was pissed off that the Super Nintendo version of Wolfenstein was inferior to the PC version, and that Nintendo basically butchered it by turning down the violence, as well as altering other things, so as some sort of joke, or whatever, ID handed the source code over to Wisdom Tree for them to make the mockery which you're looking at now.
4498
4499The Nerd: And there's a bit of conspiracy going on. According to the Bible, Noah puts two of each animal in the ark, right? Well, according to this game, he put a whole bunch of goats on there. And, if that's not crazy enough, guess what? All those goats want Noah dead. Damn! Why's there so many of them and why do you shoot them with a slingshot? I think that would actually make them more angry. I can't even see what you're supposed to be shooting at them anyway. It just looks invisible. It's supposed to be food, I guess, but why does it put the animals to sleep? Well, I guess Noah shoots the food so hard that it knocks the animals unconscious. Now, what's even stranger is how they attack you. They just do like these weird kicks from a mile away and they hit you. Like, how can they even reach?
4500
4501The Nerd: Listen to how cheerful the music is. (Music from the game plays) Wow, that's great. Just what you need, some really upbeat music to go along with Noah getting murdered by a bunch of fucking goats. So that's it. There's more animals along the way, but you get the idea.
4502
4503Spiritual Warfare
4504The Nerd: So, as we've seen, every one of these Bible games rips off something. So, just to show you another example, let's take a look at Spiritual Warfare on the Nintendo. (Starts the game up) Okay. Right off the bat, what does this game look like? Hmmm. Well, here's some hints. Look, it's an aerial view with, like, bushes and rocks. You start out with three hearts for health, you hold two items, you go into a little cave and talk to someone. And when you walk into the next area, the screen moves. There's that square-shaped stairwell, and there's a raft. You go down ladders with gray stone walls. And when you start the game, you get to type in a name. Well, if you can't already tell what this game looks like, let me spell it out.
4505
4506(He spells out ZELDA.)
4507
4508The Nerd: That's right. Zelda. Let's recap, shall we? In Zelda, we have an aerial view with bushes and rocks, you start with three hearts for the health, you hold two items, you go in a little cave and talk to someone, when you walk into the next area, the screen moves, there's that square-shaped stairwell, you go down ladders with the gray stone walls, there's your raft, and when you start the game, you get to type in a name. What a shameless rip-off! Well, at least they came up with a few original ideas. Like, sometimes when you kill your enemies, a flying devil comes out. And besides the usual rocks and bushes and trees or whatever, they randomly have all these garbage cans placed about. That's where this game belongs, in the fuckin' garbage!
4509
4510The King of Kings
4511The Nerd: Alright, let's play one more game: King of Kings. Oh, great! Three more games. Fuck.
4512
4513The Wise Men
4514The Nerd: Let's do The Wise Men. Well, you're on a camel; you're basically trying to ride to the end of the level. Your obstacles include lizards, a cactus that comes out of the ground, flying rocks, porcupines shooting needles, moving pitfalls, and blocks that come down and stun you. Just like in Bible Adventures, the control is really awkward. But here, it's so bad, it's nearly unplayable.
4515
4516The Nerd: So, every once in a while, you pick up these scrolls that make you answer questions about the Bible, like "Who is Jesus’ mother?" Well, that would be Mary. Now, why are there quizzes in the middle of this game? Quizzes aren't fun! Quizzes make you feel like you're in school! Games are fun! Quizzes: not fun! Put them together! (Makes a silly facial expression.)
4517
4518The Nerd: So, you'd probably rather just play the game than answer the questions, which would be a good reason to just avoid the scrolls, but if you get the questions right, you get energy, which you want. Now, a lot of these questions are true or false, and once you get used to that, you tend not to look at the words true and false because you instinctively assume true always comes above false. But no. Not with this game. They alternate just to trick you. Many times, I accidentally pick false when I mean to pick true. I mean, what's up with that shit? Just keep them the same!
4519
4520Flight to Egypt
4521The Nerd: Now let's try Flight to Egypt. It's bad.
4522
4523Jesus and the Temple
4524The Nerd: Alright, Jesus and the Temple, last fuckin' game. Let's get it over with.
4525
4526The Nerd: Okay, another rip-off of Super Mario Bros. 2, where you're jumping on logs to get across the waterfall. Well, at least they upped the challenge on those logs, but it's just flat-out annoying. The logs have the most erratic pattern. Sometimes you jump too early, thinking that the next log is going to come, but it doesn't. Then, just to tease you, it pops up at the bottom, crawling up the waterfall just to sit there and mock you. Other times, the second log shows up, but once you're on it, and expecting the third one, it doesn't come. But, just for one final kick in the balls, it throws all these other logs down to make you think you can salvage it and jump your way back to safety to try again. But no. Not quite.
4527
4528The Nerd: The graphics are really flawed. I mean, usually, you know how to time your jumps once you see that log come over the waterfall, but sometimes, they just appear at random, which doesn't give you enough time to react. Also, what's going on with the colors in the sky? Looks like something you might see if you take too much LSD.
4529
4530The Nerd: There's really nothing else worth mentioning with this game. It just sucks, and I can't even stand to play it anymore. I'd rather fuck a porcupine and shove a cactus up my ass. I'd rather slurp crap oozing out of a warthog's anus hole. It's just a bunch of poopy diarrhea doo-doo ass shit.
4531
4532The Nerd: That's it. So Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanzaa, Happy Birthday Jesus, whatever. Happy Holidays. I'll see you in 2007.
4533
4534See also
4535Transcript of AVGN episode Bible Games 2
4536Transcript of AVGN episode Bible Games 3
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4631The Power Glove - Angry Video Game Nerd - Episode 14
4632The Power Glove - Angry Video Game Nerd - Episode 14
4633
4634​​(The title card appears, accompanied by the Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!!! fight music. Later, we see the Nerd put the Power Glove on, accompanied by the "TITLE BOUT!" music from Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!!!.)
4635
4636The Nerd: I love the Power Glove. It's so bad. And I mean bad. This thing is bad. Why need a glove to play a game? What's wrong with this? (Holds up an NES controller) Huh? I don't know. I thought this was okay. Playin' it, you know, with a controller. So, if anything, the Power Glove is an interesting experiment in gaming technology. But too bad they were just fuckin' jerkin' off! Like, why does it suck so bad? Well, I have one complaint, one fuckin' complaint about this glove; it doesn't work. Now, what's the most important aspect about any game? Well, being able to fuckin' play it!
4637
4638The Nerd: Now, before you can even begin to get this fuckin' piece of shit to work, you have to put these three sensors on your TV like this. (the sensors fall) Fuck! Piece of shit--FUCK! (puts a Panasonic 3D0 controller on top of the sensors, accompanied by the "Excitebike" Track Selection Screen music)
4639
4640The Nerd: Now, if you own the Power Glove, you're gonna need to know what the program codes are. Yes, that's right, you have to put in a different code for each game that you play. So, go on the Internet, get a whole buncha fuckin' codes for all the fuckin' games, and whenever you're playin' a fuckin' game, you gotta punch in the code. (The Nerd types out Prog.-1-Enter-Enter, sensors fall off the TV again) Fuck! (The Nerd ends up putting duct tape on the sensors, accompanied by the Excitebike Title Screen and Game Over Theme)
4641
4642The Nerd: (playing Super Glove Ball) Alright, Super Glove Ball. Well, the game is, basically, you're just this glove, and you're goin' around grabbin' balls. Grab the flying fish! Grab 'em! Grab 'em! I don't get it. That's it. I can't fuckin' take it anymore. I'm sorry. I'm gonna show you different games on the Power Glove.
4643
4644The Nerd: (playing Metroid) To shoot, I just squeeze my fingers. Damn! Fuck! Go up! GO UP! Go up! I can't get the fuck up there. Goddamn it! It's easier to do a handstand while takin' a shit.
4645
4646The Nerd: (playing Double Dragon) How do I attack? Oh, somehow I kicked, but I don't really know how I did it. I'm getting my ass kicked! Ughhhh. Damn! Come on! Get him! Get him! Punch him--aw, fuck. I can't pass the first screen in Double Dragon. Damn it! Just might as well just use the fuckin' controller. (uses the built-in D-pad and buttons) (under his breath) Jesus Christ. (normal voice) What's the point of this?
4647
4648The Nerd: (playing Castlevania) Castlevania. By twitching my finger like this, I swing the whip. Come on, oh, yeah, there we go! How do I jump? How the fuck do I jump? Is that it? By squeezing? Is that jump? Can I get up the stairs? Can I get up the fuckin' stairs? Fuck! How do I get up the fuckin' stairs? Oh. Just jump. Can I do a nice jump over this? Come on! Do a jump! Yeah! There we go! We jumped. It's awesome. It-it's really exciting when you actually get something to work. Go down. There we go. No, don't go that way. Go this way. You asshole, come on. Don't go up the steps, go down the stairs. Don't go up the steps, go down! Don't go up the fucking steps, go down! Go down, you- ahhh, how the fuck am I going up there again? Come- oh, Jesus, jumping all over the place, I didn't even know you can jump backwards. Come on, ah, you fuckin' fishmen. Oh, good luck, I'm gonna fall in the water and die. FUCK! Wow, this sucks. This sucks hard. Come on, now jump! JUMP! Jump! Oh, wow! That helped. Ok, keep goin'. Ah! Fuck!
4649
4650The Nerd: Castlevania II: Simon's Quest. There's only one way to do this game with the Power Glove. (punches cartridge)
4651
4652The Nerd: (playing Kung-Fu Heroes) So, while it's not very responsive, I can go up and I can go down and left and right. But, everything else, like the punching and the kicking just seems to come at... random.
4653
4654The Nerd: (playing Bubble Bobble) If you're trying to pop the bubbles, good luck. It sucks monkey fuck. Sucks monkey fuck!
4655
4656The Nerd: (playing LifeForce) Down. Go down. Come on, DOWN, DOWN! GO THE FUCK DOWN! Down! Go down. Left. Go back. Come on, go back! Go left! I can't shoot anybody over there. Go back. Go up. Up. Oh, Jesus, oh, God. Fuck, go! Damn it! Fuck-a-doodle-shit.
4657
4658The Nerd: (playing Jackal) "This battle will make your blood boil. Good luck!" "Good luck" is right. I'm using the fuckin' Power Glove! I can't even line myself up to shoot this fuckin' tank up here. Go up! Shoot the tank! Damn it! Shoot the tank! Shoot the tank! I think I got it. Uh, I can't get around the rock. Goddamn it! Move! Ah, left. Left. Come on, left! Left. You can go left. Come on, up. Left! Up! I can't even get around the trees. Oh, yeah! There we go. There we go! Oh, yeah, we're moving on. We're moving on! Okay. Oh, God! Oh, shit!
4659
4660The Nerd: (playing Zelda II: The Adventure of Link) One of the big problems is that I can't either stop jumping or stop ducking. Alright, well, do I want to really bother to talk to him? Nah, not really. No, I don't! Come on, I really, I was, I'm serious. I really don't want to talk to you. Go, leave the f-- leave the fucking cabin, or house, or whatever the fuck it is. Come on, keep walking. Oh, there we go. I didn't really mean to go in there. Alright, leave. Leave the house, go left. Go left. Come on, go left. Augh, you f-- I'm in the house again. I don't wanna-- fuck! Get the fuck out of the house! Get up. Go away. Alright, left. Oh, there we-- Oh, Jesus Christ, why am I shooting the sword?
4661
4662The Nerd: (playing R.C. Pro-Am) Alright! Here we go! We got this, man! We got this by the ass!
4663
4664The Nerd: (playin Rad Racer) You know what's really cool about Rad Racer? That if you push "Select," the game goes 3D. I'm playin' Rad Racer with the Power Glove and 3D glasses. It can't get any more rad than that.
4665
4666The Nerd: Wow. Playing Top Gun with the Power Glove. It's like pukin' on a pile of shit. (the Nerd gets to the landing sequence) Oh, my God, what the fuck am I doin'? I'm tryin' to land the plane in Top Gun with the Power Glove? I can't even land it with the regular controller. (The Nerd attempts to land the jet, in which he succeeds; he stares in awe.) (A montage begins accompanied by the Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!!! theme; there are shots of him playing with the Power Glove, putting games in the NES, putting the game codes in, hitting himself with the Power Glove and going hysterical, e.g., throwing a pen at the screen, a shot of the sensors and then a shot of him putting Defender II in and pushing it down with his middle finger.)
4667
4668The Nerd: Oh, Punch-Out!! Alright, well, I don't know how to fuckin' dodge. That's really a problem. Punching seems to work somewhat. Fuck! Oh, Goddamn it. Oh, shit! I lost to Glass Joe. I lost... to Glass Joe.
4669
4670The Nerd: Try doing the Contra code with this fuckin' thing. I shoot by twitching my finger. Jump by clenching my fist. Yeah, there we go. There we go! Alright, come on, now. Oh, God, get him! Get him! Get him--! Ohh, fuck! You piece of shit! (Middle finger at Contra Game Over screen)
4671
4672The Nerd: If you want to bring a totally new element of challenge to your Nintendo games, try the Power Glove, 'cause it sure makes everything a lot harder. It's just a barely functional contraption designed to rip off little kids. It's the biggest scam since the Atari 5200 controller. The only kids who owned this were usually the richer ones who thought they were cool. Well, they're not cool. I'm not cool, either. Look at me. You think I'm cool? I've got a fucking glove on my hand. I'm trying to play a fuckin' game with it. I look like an idiot with a fistful of shit. (Pretends to shoot his fingers off with the grey 1985 NES Zapper, leaving only his middle finger, which he flashes.) Well, hey, let's end with the classic, Super Mario Bros.
4673
4674The Nerd: Alright, Mario. You don't have to keep jumping. At least you made it over the Goomba. You were lucky, you fuck! Alright, what, come on, I can't get up on the pipe? I'm not even doing anything. I'm touching the fuckin' floor right now. I am touching the floor. And I can't get him to stop jumping. Get over the pipe, you fuckin' asshole! Oh, I can't get over the pipe. Oh, this-- oh, yeah-- ohh! Fuck. Come on- oh, yeah! Oh, no! Come on, come on! Oh, shit! Oh, you fuck!
4675
4676The Nerd: Now, you're playing with power. Now you're playing with fuckin' shit! You're better off fuckin' shit than fuckin' with this fucked-up shit! Fuck this shit! You don't know shit about how fuckin' shitty this fuckin' shit is. It's so bad, it sucks! It's so fuckin' suck it fucks! And I... can't take it anymore. (holds bottle of Rolling Rock which he drinks while wearing the Power Glove, accompanied by the Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!!! Game Over Theme)
4677
4678Trivia
4679This episode includes the first mention of "The Angry Video Game Nerd" in the summary and title, but the theme song remains unchanged until the Rocky episode. It is the last episode to use the original theme song.
4680This episode of "The Angry Video Game Nerd" is the most viewed episode on Cinemassacre's YouTube channel with over 11 million views. 
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4774Spider-Man - Angry Video Game Nerd - Episode 24
4775Spider-Man - Angry Video Game Nerd - Episode 24
4776
4777Contents[show]
4778Spider-Man (Atari 2600)
4779The Nerd: Spider-Man on the Atari 2600. Let's pop this sucker in here. We're playin' with the Atari wireless controller. Pretty nifty, right? Atari was ahead of their time. So, you're just climbin' up the building, you're shooting with the web, which is, like, black for some reason. It almost looks like Spider-Man's shootin' out like a long turd or somethin'. And, you can't touch anything, except the yellow parts, so, oh, the web didn't reach, oh, and I'm fallin', but you can save yourself if you just keep shootin' the web. So, anyway, you're just tryin' to get up here. You can shoot diagonal too, but it's really finicky with the controller. Aww, FUCK! Oh, God! Oh, shit! This game is just fuckin' horrible!
4780
4781(Spider-Man enters.)
4782
4783The Nerd: Holy shit! It's Spider-Man!
4784
4785Spider-Man: You need some help with this game?
4786
4787The Nerd: I sure do! This shitty-ass fuckin' game's drivin' me nuts!
4788
4789Spider-Man: This game can't be shitty. This is Spider-Man!
4790
4791The Nerd: Yeah, it's Spider-Man, but sorry, Spider-Man, this game really does suck.
4792
4793Spider-Man: You must be doin' somethin' wrong. Let me help you with this game.
4794
4795The Nerd: You'll help me with this game?
4796
4797Spider-Man: Absolutely.
4798
4799The Nerd: Oh, gee whiz! Thanks, Spider-Man!
4800
4801Spider-Man: I'll show you how it's done. See, you gotta press the up, right?
4802
4803The Nerd: Yeah, I got that part.
4804
4805Spider-Man: It's really so easy, it's practically boring in a way. You could just go up, up, up. See, I like goin' diagonal because it sometimes gets boring goin' straight. Gettin' to the top. Gettin' to the top. (Creates a little rap) "James likes the little web. Little web, little web, little web, little web, little web."
4806
4807The Nerd: What is that thing supposed to be? It's-it's like a checkerboard or like a disco cube or somethin'.
4808
4809Spider-Man: That's the Superbomb.
4810
4811The Nerd: The Superbomb?
4812
4813Spider-Man: The Superbomb.
4814
4815The Nerd: Well, there's bombs in the game, why can't that bomb look like a bomb?
4816
4817Spider-Man: It's fuckin' Spider-Man!
4818
4819The Nerd: Yeah, I know!
4820
4821Spider-Man: Watch this.
4822
4823The Nerd: You can't touch the Superbomb.
4824
4825Spider-Man: Wait, you gotta go around it?
4826
4827The Nerd: Oh, there you go, oh, no! He's gonna get'cha, he's gonna get'cha! AH! Ah, you're fallin', you're fallin'! Oh, my- uh! When you let go- you know what's gonna happen when you let go of that button? You're gonna fall.
4828
4829Spider-Man: (groans) Y'know, this is startin' to piss me off, actually.
4830
4831The Nerd: There you go, c'mon! Ah, ya died.
4832
4833Spider-Man: Well, you're talkin' to me! FUCKLOAD OF SHIT!
4834
4835The Nerd: This is YOUR game! YOUR GAME!
4836
4837Spider-Man: SHIT-FUCK! FUCK! GOD--FUCK! ARRRRGH!! (Use web to take the game out of Atari while the overworld theme to Fester's Quest plays.) THIS GAME SUCKS MY SPIDER BALLS! IT'S HORRIBLE!
4838
4839(Spider-Man smashes game to ground.)
4840
4841The Nerd: Don't worry, Spider-Man, it's only a game. Here, have a beer.
4842
4843Spider-Man: I don't want this corporate bullshit.
4844
4845The Nerd: It's Rolling Rock.
4846
4847Spider-Man: It's Shit Rock. (Pours beer out, shows Yuengling bottle.) Stick to the local brew. (The Nerd takes swig.) That's the local brew. (The Nerd approves the beer taste, gives it a thumbs up.)
4848
4849Spider-Man: Return of the Sinister Six (NES)
4850The Nerd: Well, we've got another game on the NES, and we're gonna play it in the Top Loader. Yeah, we're bein' pretty fancy today. The game's Spider-Man: Return of the Sinister Shit.
4851
4852Spider-Man: I'm tryin' to understand the controls here.
4853
4854The Nerd: Alright, A punches, if you tap A, it does like a jump kick. Oh, you hold the button, and it shoots the web. The control is awful, and the worst thing about tryin' to review a game with bad controls is that you can't explain it. You can only jump straight up. Unless you-you already push-
4855
4856Spider-Man: Y'know, you're pressin' the wrong buttons.
4857
4858The Nerd: No, I'm not! Look, I can't even hit this guy! Oh, look at this!
4859
4860Spider-Man: Get him! Why are you fuckin' jerkin' around?
4861
4862The Nerd: Even when I'm falling, I can't steer myself.
4863
4864Spider-Man: Why are you jumpin' all over the place?
4865
4866The Nerd: Because every time I hit the button it, like, jumps.
4867
4868Spider-Man: Well, wait for him to come to you!
4869
4870The Nerd: There's no, like jump kick move, like you can't jump then do an attack.
4871
4872Spider-Man: Well, then, don't do that move!
4873
4874The Nerd: Well, he- I can't hit him when he's in the air.
4875
4876Spider-Man: Well, wait for him to come down, then!
4877
4878The Nerd: Look, now what's he doing? He's not gonna come up. I can't even tell if I’m hitting him.
4879
4880Spider-Man: Oh, you got him!
4881
4882The Nerd: Did I?
4883
4884Spider-Man: The power bar went down, but you're gonna fuckin' die way before than he does.
4885
4886The Nerd: Come on, dammit!
4887
4888Spider-Man: Just wait. Patience. There's no fuckin' clock in this game. There's only 20 of 'em... in the background.
4889
4890The Nerd: Thank fuckin' Lord!
4891
4892Spider-Man: Alright.
4893
4894The Nerd: Look, see, you can't even kill that one guy.
4895
4896Spider-Man: But is it necessary to kill 'em in all honesty? D'we have to kill everybody we see? I'm the Nerd. I'm the Nerd. Look how I play. I go back and forth, back and forth. This is what the Nerd does. He goes back and forth. And this level is fuckin' annoyin' me. There's nuthin' up here, so you go down, and you go down, and then you.... kill somethin' and you fuckin' go down, and you can't go that way, so you, you go up. Alright, Goddammit! There's nuthin' over here. What the fuck's the point of this? Alright, you know what? This-this game's a piece of shit. I dunno what the fuck I'm doin', I dunno where the fuck I'm goin', I can't get up here! Do it, dammit!
4897
4898The Nerd: Jump! Jump! Jump! Jump! Jump! Jump!
4899
4900The Nerd and Spider-Man: IT'S A PIECE OF SHIT!
4901
4902Spider-Man: IT'S A BUNCH OF FUCKIN' CRAP! (Takes game out using web and destroys it while "New Junk City" from Earthworm Jim plays.)
4903
4904The Amazing Spider-Man (Game Boy)
4905The Nerd: Alright, we've got another game on the Game Boy. To play the Game Boy, you need the game. Here's the Game, that's the Boy, this is the Game Boy. The game is The Amazing Spider-Man, and believe it or not, the control is even worse. The punch is delayed, like a full second later. And that was the web? That's ridiculous. How do I get up?
4906
4907Spider-Man: Jump! Jump!
4908
4909The Nerd I am jumping! Look, it won't-
4910
4911Spider-Man: You fuckin' look retarded. See, now you're bein' Spider-Man. Shit. Alright, now you're fuckin' bein' dead.
4912
4913The Nerd: Look at this; there's just all this fallin' rock crap on me. Wow, there's a suicide button in the game!
4914
4915Spider-Man: Well, whaddya expect? You're fuckin' jumpin' while you're tryin' to hang on to a building.
4916
4917The Nerd: I can't climb up there!
4918
4919Spider-Man: Go in!
4920
4921The Nerd: I'm tryin'!
4922
4923Spider-Man: Jump! Ya halfta jump to it.
4924
4925The Nerd: Oh, okay. So that's what the jump button's for. Okay, you're pretty much depended on the web to get over some of these jumps. But, how do ya do the web? I dunno. The control just does whatever the fuck it wants! LOOK AT THAT! HOLY SHIT! Oh, my God, I can't- I tried to jump, I swear! This is God-awful, this is ass.
4926
4927Spider-Man: Lemme try the game out.
4928
4929The Nerd: Knock yourself out.
4930
4931(Spider-Man climbs to ceiling.)
4932
4933The Nerd: Whaddya doin' on my fuckin' ceiling?
4934
4935Spider-Man: Okay, I agree, the control is a little delayed, but- oh; and then you fuckin' just do this-
4936
4937The Nerd: What're ya gonna do there?
4938
4939Spider-Man: I dunno. Goddammit! Argh! Alright, this guy's fuckin' impossible. Get over here, ya fuckin' sunuvabitch! (while hitting himself with Game Boy) WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THESE GAME DESIGNERS?! (hits ceiling with Game Boy) THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK THEY'RE DOIN'! I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY DID THIS TO ME! THEY MADE A GAME OUTTA ME, AND IT'S FUCKIN' SHIT! IT'S HORRIBLE!
4940
4941(Throws Game Boy to ground, smashing it.)
4942
4943Spider-Man 2 (Game Boy Advance)
4944The Nerd: One more game. Spider-Man 2 on the Game Boy Advance. Well, I'm playin' it on my DS, to be exact. Alright, well, this is the first level of the game, and you gotta deliver pizzas.
4945
4946Spider-Man: They put that in a video game?
4947
4948The Nerd: Well, that's pretty weird, yeah. I mean, you delivered pizzas before though, right?
4949
4950Spider-Man: No, no, no, I never did that.
4951
4952The Nerd: Yeah, you did in the movie, Spider-Man 2.
4953
4954Spider-Man: I did that at one point, but I don't want people fuckin' knowin' about that.
4955
4956The Nerd: Did you ever have to break a window to deliver a pizza?
4957
4958Spider-Man: Not on purpose, but for them to put that in the game, it's insulting, and it's-
4959
4960The Nerd: Yeah, I agree.
4961
4962Spider-Man: I'm a superhero. I shouldn't be known as a pizza delivery man.
4963
4964The Nerd: I wish Spider-Man would deliver my pizzas every day.
4965
4966(Spider-Man flips the Nerd off.)
4967
4968Spider-Man: I'm gonna fuckin' shove a pizza up your fuckin' ass!
4969
4970Spider-Man Theme Song
4971(Kyle Justin plays a parody of the Spider-Man theme song)
4972
4973Kyle Justin: Spider-Man, Spider-Man,
4974
4975Takes a dump in a coffee can,
4976
4977Plays some games with a grudge,
4978
4979Gonna shit out some anal fudge,
4980
4981Look out, here comes some shitty games!
4982
4983Alcohol is his power source,
4984
4985Takes a piss like a drunken horse,
4986
4987Climbs a wall, then he falls,
4988
4989This game sucks his spider balls,
4990
4991Oh, no! He's playin' the shitty games!
4992
4993When he plays his games, he feels so ashamed.
4994
4995He shoots web from his wrist,
4996
4997But now Spider-Man's fuckin'... pissed.
4998
4999Angry Nerd, Angry Nerd,
5000
5001Rather suck on a frozen turd,
5002
5003Or eat some crap from a moose,
5004
5005Gonna chug down some poopy juice.
5006
5007These games,
5008
5009Are such a great big fuck-up,
5010
5011They make you wanna throw up,
5012
5013All over Spider...Man.
5014
5015Categories:
5016TranscriptsTranscripts of 2007 Angry Video Game Nerd episodes
5017Community content is available under CC-BY-SA unless otherwise noted.
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5103Transcript of Console Wars
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5105 
5106COMMENTS (3)
5107 
5108SHARE
5109Atari 2600: I'm Atari. And while I'm gettin' my ass handed to me by all these newer game systems, my legacy will live on.
5110
5111(NES enters)
5112
5113NES: Hi, I'm Nintendo! And I kick ass!
5114
5115(Atari 2600 disappears and Sega Master System enters)
5116
5117SMS: Move over, Nintendo! I'm the Sega Master System, and you're goin' down!
5118
5119NES: Um, no. I got Mario. I got Zelda. You just suck balls!
5120
5121SMS: Oh... well, wait 'til my big brother comes to rip your asshole inside out.
5122
5123(Sega Genesis enters and Sega Master System exits)
5124
5125Genesis: Look at me, I'm the Sega Genesis! What are you, still stuck on those 8-bit graphics? I'm 16-bit! You can't do this on Nintendo. Genesis does what Nintendon't.
5126
5127NES: So, are you sayin' that bein' 16-bit automatically makes ya twice as good?
5128
5129Genesis: Well, yeah.
5130
5131NES: Who has the better games? I do, ya dumb bitch!
5132
5133Genesis: Well, let me introduce Sonic the Hedgehog! He runs really fast and he's a lot more badass than that dickhead Mario.
5134
5135NES: Gee... well, that is pretty cool but, why don't you meet my big brother?
5136
5137(NES disappears, and SNES enters)
5138
5139SNES: I'm the Super Nintendo! I'm 16-bit too, so go fuck your facehole through your ass, ya dick!
5140
5141Genesis: Oh... well... I have... blast... processing.
5142
5143SNES: Okay. And what is that?
5144
5145Genesis: It's... i-it's blast processing.
5146
5147SNES: Oh, okay. Whatever.
5148
5149(Sega CD is planted on the side of the Genesis)
5150
5151SNES: What is that?
5152
5153Genesis: This is the Sega CD, motherfucker!
5154
5155SNES: And it uses CDs?
5156
5157Genesis: Damn straight! What - are ya still usin' cartridges? Get with the times!
5158
5159SNES: Oh gee. I guess ya got me there. How are the games?
5160
5161Genesis: Well...
5162
5163SNES: They suck, right?
5164
5165(Atari Jaguar enters)
5166
5167Jaguar: RAAAAH! You thought ya heard the last from Atari, ya puny fools! I'm the Atari Jaguar, and I'm 64-bit!
5168
5169SNES: (to Jaguar) You ain't 64-bit. Get the fuck outta here.
5170
5171(Atari Jaguar exits)
5172
5173SNES: (to Genesis) Now back to you, Sega shithead. What - do ya think that CD thing on your side is gonna be your saving grace?
5174
5175Genesis: Um... no. This is!
5176
5177(Sega 32X is planted on the cartridge slot)
5178
5179SNES: What the fuck is that?!
5180
5181Genesis: 32X, motherfucker!
5182
5183SNES: Awesome! Got any good games?
5184
5185Genesis: Um... Doom!
5186
5187SNES: Well... why's the sound suck, and why's half the levels missing?
5188
5189Genesis: What are you saying?
5190
5191SNES: I'm sayin', "Why's my version of Doom better than yours?"
5192
5193Genesis: Um... I'm 32-bit!
5194
5195SNES: 32-bit my ass! What's wrong with you? You say CDs are the next big thing, but then you go back to cartridges? You say you're more powerful than me, but then, why do you need all these extra add-ons? What are you gonna do next? Add somethin' else on top?
5196
5197Genesis: Um... yeah!
5198
5199(Sega 32X is planted on top of the Sega 32x cartridge slot, which is planted on the Sega Genesis cartridge slot)
5200
5201SNES: Okay. Go ahead! Keep stackin' shit on top! You've already needed like three fuckin' power adapters to run that colossal mess you've created! Look at you! You're a fuckin' disaster! Why don't ya just make a completely new system?
5202
5203Genesis: Fine! I will! Sega Neptune!
5204
5205SNES: Really? Well, aren't you comin' out with the Sega Saturn?
5206
5207Genesis: Yeah! We're hurrying it along!
5208
5209SNES: And what about the Neptune?
5210
5211Genesis: Oh, that? It's cancelled.
5212
5213SNES: Too many systems, huh?
5214
5215Genesis: Um... fuck you.
5216
5217SNES: Fuck you! Try makin' some games next time.
5218
5219Genesis: Well, where's your next system?
5220
5221SNES: It's comin'. It's been in the works for a while. See, we take our time with these things.
5222
5223(Genesis disappears and enters a special effect Sega Saturn because James Rolfe didn't own a Saturn yet. There's also a note saying: "I Don't own a Saturn")
5224
5225Saturn: Saturn is here, and you're goin' down.
5226
5227SNES: Well, my time has passed, but... now get ready to get your ass kicked!
5228
5229(SNES exits, and N64 enters)
5230
5231N64: I'm the N64. Get N, or Get Out!
5232
5233(scene shows AVGN; played by James Rolfe of course)
5234
5235The Nerd: So, whatever. I could keep goin' on and on, but, you get the point. I just wanted to reenact the video game wars that took place with Sega and Nintendo being the prime competitors. Now... (shows the Dreamcast to the audience) Sega eventually got it right with the Dreamcast. It was a pretty good system, but, (puts the Dreamcast down) when Microsoft and Sony entered the competition, things got a little heavy and uh, well, somebody had to go, and... now Sega's making games on Nintendo, which is crazy to think back then, Mario and Sonic were the biggest enemies. Nobody would ever imagine that there'd be a Sonic game on a Nintendo system. So, who won that battle, huh? All that talk about blast processing and "Genesis Does"... just bunch of bullshit. So, this was what was goin' on when I was growin' up. Now there's a lot of younger gamers out there who are growin' up now, as we enter a new video game war. Um, you know, to think, it's pretty interesting. So, who's gonna win? Is it gonna be, Nintendo again, or is it gonna be, um, Microsoft, or is it gonna be Sony? Well I like the Xbox, and I like the PlayStation. I like 'em all, but... I'm just sayin' that, I'm rootin' for (grabs his bottle of Rolling Rock from nowhere) my champion Nintendo. So, raise your Rollin' Rock or, whatever ya got, and here's... to the Wii. (drinks his bottle of Rolling Rock)
5236
5237Categories:
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5239Community content is available under CC-BY-SA unless otherwise noted.
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5252
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5302~~~~~~~
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5322Transcripts of 2008 Angry Video Game Nerd episodes, Transcripts
5323Transcript of AVGN Episode Rambo
5324EDIT
5325 
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5327 
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5329MV5BNDg0NDA0YzctZmFmNC00YjUxLTk5MTAtODllN2JhZmY1YmM3XkEyXkFqcGdeQXVyMTQzMjU1NjE@. V1 
5330Title card for episode.
5331
5332Rambo - NES - Angry Video Game Nerd - Episode 41
5333Rambo - NES - Angry Video Game Nerd - Episode 41
5334
5335(Julio plays the Angry Video Game Nerd theme remix)
5336
5337(The title card appears, and the "Rambo" opening theme on the NES plays, accompanied by the Nerd pulling out the game)
5338
5339The Nerd: Fuck. I gotta do this one now? Well, guess I might as well, 'cuz there's a new Rambo movie comin' out. Back in the '80s, Rambo was the shit, but the NES game was just plain shit.
5340
5341(the Nerd puts the game in the NES toploader)
5342
5343The Nerd: Well, it's based off Rambo: First Blood, Part II rather than the first one. I guess making a game where you're going around killing cops... probably wasn't their best interest. 
5344
5345Contents[show]
5346Rambo (NES)
5347The Nerd: It begins with the Colonel visiting Rambo in prison and making him a deal: go rescue prisoners in Vietnam and you're free. But you have a choice. "I'm not afraid of death," or "I feel better in prison." Hmm, how 'bout "I feel better in prison"? "But it's up to you. The game doesn't start until you say YES." What's the point of having an option then? I'm saying "Leave me the fuck in prison," but then again, I might as well not even put the game in if I'm gonna say "No!" That's like in the movie if he would have said: "John, the movie can't continue till you say yes."
5348
5349The Nerd: So the game begins. You're just walkin' around the hangar talkin' to people. Rambo just looks like some shirtless guy wearing red Spandex. So you're just walking around, talking to this person, talking to that person, then finally you go to the Colonel one last time where he says, "You've got 36 hours to get in, complete your assignment, and get the Hell out," the first swear I recall from a video game.
5350
5351The Nerd: Then the plane drops you off and finally, the action begins. You spent most of your time just killin' snakes, bugs, and other small animals with a knife. It's actually a complete clone of Zelda II. Yeah, that's right. That's the flying sword, or knife in this case. The numbers that appear when you kill the enemies, the way you talk to people, the dark caves which require a lantern to light the way, and overall, the layout is similar.
5352
5353The Nerd: Now, speaking of the knife, that's one of the most disappointing aspects about this shitwad of a game. Why am I not using the machine gun like on the front cover? Why am I just fighting snakes and bugs? (sarcastically) This is "exciting"... Doesn't this remind you of the movie? (Comparisons between movie and game) Remember when Rambo has to fight a giant spider? I don't.
5354
5355The Nerd: Eventually, you start to fight appropriate enemies and you do gain an inventory of weapons such as flying daggers, arrows, and grenades. Man, who the Hell throws grenades at a tiger, anyway? You also get the machine gun, but this doesn't happen until much later in the game.
5356
5357The Nerd: The problem may not be that the game doesn't follow the movie; it actually follows the movie way too much. Almost every key scene is recreated through character dialogue, but who cares? It's almost like they focused too much on the story rather than the overall gameplay.
5358
5359The Nerd: When Rambo meets the girl for the second time in the game, you're given an option. Rather than conducting business, you can say: "What do you think of me?" The game doesn't advance until you stop asking it, so what's the point? And how cocky can Rambo be to expect a compliment? She could have said, "What do I think of you? You look like a hairless gorilla and when your mouth is open, you really freak me out."
5360
5361The Nerd: There's times when you have to follow her, but all she does is walk back and forth, so you're actually supposed to go meet her somewhere. But where the fuck that is is up to you to find out.
5362
5363The Nerd: Now that's the biggest problem of this game: Finding out where the Hell you're supposed to go. You stand on these little boxes that say N for North, and S for South. You push Up and then you go to the next screen, and it's just like in Friday the 13th where you can change paths, but it's confusing to navigate because everything looks the same. If you keep walking in the same direction, the stage just repeats over and over. Sometimes you think you're making progress, but then you realize that you're doing laps over the same stretch of land.
5364
5365The Nerd: But, to make it even more confusing, there's times when in order to advance to the next section of the game, you have to walk in one direction, and then go back the same way you came, so it's like if you walk to the right, you could just keep walking to the right forever. It's an endless cycle. But, if you walk to the left, that's when it takes you somewhere different. What a shitload of fuckin' bullshit!
5366
5367The Nerd: There's also a scene where you control the girl. She can't do anything but walk and there's no fighting involved. All you do, basically, is just walk from point A to point B. Why?
5368
5369The Nerd: Another thing that blazes my balls is that when you're low on energy, the screen flashes. I guess it's nice to be alerted that you're dying, but it doesn't have to be so fuckin' annoying! Maybe you can say it's nitpicking, but I say it's shit-picking.
5370
5371The Nerd: The controls are mindblowingly awful. It doesn't look bad, but believe me, it's bad. You can move and jump around just fine, but when it comes to using your weapons, it feels stiff. When you try to attack something, it's almost impossible without getting hit.
5372
5373The Nerd: Getting across this bridge is a real shit-bitch. Damn! FUCK! Alright, c'mon, you bastard! I'm almost there. Almost there. FUCK! Oh, God.
5374
5375The Nerd: How'd they fuck up Rambo this bad? You think it wouldn't be that hard, just a guy in a bandanna goin' around shootin' people. Kinda like Contra. Yeah, that worked, didn't it? Side-scrolling, overhead, or even a semi-3D perspective, it all worked, as long as the control is fluent, the action's good, and the overall game play is stimulating. That's all it needs, but instead we get a confusing, incoherent mess that doesn't even really know what it's trying to be. A needless storyline, confusing navigation, frustrating controls, and a second-rate clone of Zelda II. Though it predated Zelda II in its U.S. release, Zelda II came out first in Japan.
5376
5377(The Nerd finds a glitch making him go back to the beginning.)
5378
5379The Nerd: Oh, what? What the shit?? I'm back at the beginning. How did this happen? I just fell and now I'm back at the beginning of the damn game. I still have my weapons, but I've got a long way to make it back to where I came. Murdock is still telling me the same shit he told me before, as if I never started the mission yet. So I guess I just found some crazy glitch.
5380
5381The Nerd: So the only way I'm gonna show you the rest of this game is to enter a password, BUT LOOK AT THIS! Why does the fuckin' password have to be so damn long?! Is it really necessary to have both capital and lowercase letters, as well as numbers, question marks and exclamation marks too?!
5382
5383The Nerd: If you're writing this down, you're gonna get confused. S's look like 5's, 0's look like O's, capital and lowercase letters can look identical, and lowercase L's look like 1's and uppercase I's. That's something I have no tolerance for. The password system should be simple, straightforward, and easy to use. As long as you know the password, you should be able to enter it, and move on. It doesn't need to be a fucking project! Assholes.
5384
5385The Nerd: Ugh. Well, so this is it. The end of the game. And, they sure saved the hardest part for last. It's just a fuckin' barrage of shit comin' down. It's like you need a bulletproof umbrella. There's no way to dodge this shit. And the only way to hit the copter is with grenades. It takes about a million hits and there's no damage indicator. It doesn't blink or anything when you hit it, so the first time I tried this, I didn't even know if the damn things were working. But, with patience, you finally win and then you go back to the hangar, a job well done. And from here on, you can just walk around and talk to people. There's Murdock, the bastard... You get out your machine gun, you shoot him, and... he turns into a frog.
5386
5387(The Nerd stares in shock)
5388
5389The Nerd: Yeah... you shoot Chinese letters, and he turns into... a frog. Just what I expected.
5390
5391(He takes a drink from his flask, then angrily takes game out of system, grabs a swig from flask, accompanied by the password music from "Rambo" for the NES, takes out his Bic, spits, then the game explodes into flames.)
5392
5393Rambo: First Blood Part II (Sega Master System)
5394The Nerd: Now I think that was enough. But there's more Rambo games. So, just for a bullshit bonus, let's take a look at a couple more. Here, we have Rambo: First Blood Part II on the Sega Master System.
5395
5396The Nerd: Now, okay. This is more like it. Starts up with the action right away, you're just goin' around shooting people, and on top of that, it's two players. We know that this (zooms in on Player 1's sprite) is Rambo, but who's this guy? (zooms in on Player 2's sprite) But anyway, it doesn't matter.
5397
5398The Nerd: The controls are basic. Number 1 shoots bullets and number 2 fires exploding hand arrows. You give 'em a lil' number 1, you give 'em a lil' number 2. Heh. Number 2.
5399
5400The Nerd: Well, at first it seems like a decent game, but it's also very frustrating because you move incredibly slow, you can't shoot down, and the bullets don't go far. They also look like ping-pong balls.
5401
5402The Nerd: The game reminds me of Ikari Warriors, and it suffers from the same problems, though the levels are not nearly as monotonous, but one thing that happens is, if you die, you could reappear in an obstructive place and get stuck. You're trapped. I mean, there's nothing you could do, other than to just hope to just get hit by enemy fire so you could reappear somewhere else.
5403
5404The Nerd: Another weird thing that happens frequently is that after you come back, you know, when you're in that brief invincible flashing stage, the controls get locked. You can only move left and right. I mean, this seems to happen mostly on the second player for some fuckin' reason. Other times while you're flashing, you can walk across the water. Who does Rambo think he is, Jesus Christ? (A picture of Jesus appears.)
5405
5406Rambo III (Sega Master System)
5407The Nerd: Well, let's check out Rambo III, again on the Sega Master System. Now, this one's gonna be fun because it uses... (brings out a gun) the light gun. (he waves the gun around frantically) Unless the fuckin' thing doesn't work! (waves the gun about again) Uh, it kinda works. I mean, you just gotta wave it around, like Rambo. Rambo never shoots straight.
5408
5409(The Nerd has a tough time with the Light Phaser.)
5410
5411The Nerd: What the ASS?! What's wrong with this thing?! (He tries it again, but to no avail, and exhales in anger.) Piece of shit.
5412
5413The Nerd: Now, with the Rambo games, I could probably go on for hours. But, that's not what's about. I just wanted to give you a basic overview. Now, it's been about 20 years since these games were out. It's also been about 20 years since the last Rambo movie.
5414
5415Thoughts on Rambo IV
5416The Nerd: Now, I'm psyched to go see Rambo IV. But it's not gonna be called Rambo IV, is it? Let's address this title situation one last time. Now, back in my Chronologically Confused video, I was making fun of Rocky VI being called Rocky Balboa, so I made a sarcastic comment. Let's take a look.
5417
5418The Nerd from his Chronologically Confused video: What are they gonna do? Call it John Rambo?
5419
5420The Nerd: And what do they do? That's what they called it. Now I feel bad. I feel like I picked on a retard or somethin', like: "What are you, retarded?" "Oh. I'm sorry." But then what do they do? They change it again to just Rambo. Like, is this a sequel or a remake? It couldn't get any more confusing.
5421
5422The Nerd: Even though the original movie was called First Blood, people often refer to it as Rambo. But, in the second movie, they downgraded First Blood into a subtitle calling it Rambo: First Blood Part II. But the Nintendo game is just Rambo, as well as the Sega version. Even though the box says the full title, the game itself and even the title screen just say Rambo. So technically, the immediate title of the second movie is Rambo. Next came Rambo III. Technically, it should be Rambo II or First Blood Part III. I mean, there's no consistency. But, just for the sake of confusion, it is the third in the series, so whatever. It's Rambo III.
5423
5424The Nerd: But then comes Rambo. How do you follow Rambo III with just Rambo? That doesn't even make any sense. It's like you're goin' backwards. So, now if someone says, "I'm watchin' Rambo," it's like, "Oh. Oh, what do you mean? Do you mean First Blood? Or do you mean Rambo: First Blood Part II? Or do you mean Rambo, the 4th movie?" "THAT'S WHAT IT IS! THE FOURTH FUCKIN' MOVIE!" WHY COULDN'T THEY HAVE JUST CALLED IT RAMBO IV? I, II, III, IV!
5425
5426(Pretends to have head explosion, then goes nuts and collapses on the floor while he rips a poster off the wall.)
5427
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5517Transcripts of 2008 Angry Video Game Nerd episodes, Transcripts
5518Transcript of AVGN Episode The Wizard/Super Mario Bros. 3
5519EDIT
5520 
5521COMMENTS (15)
5522 
5523SHARE
5524TitleCard
5525Title card for episode
5526
5527Super Mario Bros 3 and The Wizard Angry Video Game Nerd Cinemassacrecom
5528Super Mario Bros 3 and The Wizard Angry Video Game Nerd Cinemassacrecom
5529
5530(Fan versions of the "Angry Video Game Nerd" theme play. Afterwards, the title cards appear, accompanied by the "Super Mario Bros. 3" Hammer Bros. Fight Music.)
5531
5532The Nerd: I'm gonna review a ​good game for once. Yeah. Now don't worry, I'll go back to torture myself with shitty ones, but for now, let's do something awesome.
5533
5534The Nerd: Super Mario Bros. 3 is often considered to be the greatest game on the NES, and for good reasons. It took everything that made the first Mario great and multiplied it several times over, adding new intricate levels of gameplay and challenges.
5535
5536The Nerd: Whether it's the top loader, or that classic gray box, the Nintendo Entertainment System was at the height of its popularity when this masterpiece came along to push it over the top and make an everlasting impression, the defining moment of our childhood pastime.
5537
5538The Nerd: During the final years of the 8-bit era, many other games came along like McKids and Tiny Toon Adventures which tried to emulate its gameplay, its power-up system and overall design. It was one of the first games I remember to have a strategy guide. There was also a Super Mario Bros. 3 cartoon series, even though there was no 2. That's the power that this game had. All you gotta do is say "Mario 3," and anyone will go, "Oh, yeah."
5539
5540The Nerd: Now, all the hype began before the game was even released. Most of us first heard about Mario 3 in the 1989 movie, The Wizard, an innocent little family flick, but essentially a theatrical Nintendo commercial in disguise as a feature film.
5541
5542The Nerd: The plot involves a boy named Jimmy suffering from a mental disorder after his sister died. They put him in an institution, his brother breaks him out, and they run away. On top of that, Jimmy is Hell-bent on going to California.
5543
5544(Jimmy says "California!" in multiple scenes)
5545
5546The Nerd: All just because he wants to leave photographs of his sister inside Dinny the Dinosaur, one of two dinosaur statues previously featured in Pee-Wee's Big Adventure.
5547
5548The Nerd: Along the way, they meet some girl who's also a runaway and they find out that Jimmy kicks ass at Nintendo games, so they enter a video game tournament called Video Armageddon. Throughout the course of all this, they're being chased by some asshole who finds lost kids for money. Meanwhile, he's competing with the father and older brother who are trying to find him first.
5549
5550The Nerd: So, yeah, that's all great, but do you think any 9-year-old kid gave two fucking shits about the plot of this movie? I know I didn't. I saw it in the theater opening day, and here's a perfect re-enactment, all for you. "What the Hell is this shit? I don't care what these people are talking about. Ooh, look back there, what game is this? Who the Hell are you?? Go back to the freaking Wonder Years, you piece of shit! What game's that? Oh, you hear it? That's Zelda II. Oh, what games are they playing? Turn around. Come on, I want to see the damn games." That's what it was like, you'd see a few moments of a game, you'd get excited, and then it's back to the story.
5551
5552Sam Woods: I got the Scroll Weapon, and I almost beat Mecha-Turtle at the end of Level 3!
5553
5554The Nerd: While some game lingo was thrown in, the audience, the kids watching the movie, were the experts and would notice anything that was wrong. When Jimmy's playing Double Dragon, he starts mashing buttons before the game even begins. Then after his brother pulls him away, only to turn back, he says:
5555
5556Corey Woods: 50,000? You got 50,000 on Double Dragon?
5557
5558The Nerd: 50,000? How could you get 50,000 points in less than a minute, and why such a random number? Also note that it's not the arcade version of Double Dragon, it's the Nintendo version, which means that he's playing it on the PlayChoice-10, an arcade clone of games that were also on the NES. Obviously an endorsement from Nintendo. But the tabletop one in the diner, I've never seen that. Then, there's the Nintendo Power Tip line. That's right, people sitting around waiting to help you with any game problem you have.
5559
5560Haley Brooks: Simon's Quest.
5561
5562The Nerd: Just call that 900 number, and rack your parents' phone bill up the ass. Enter Lucas, the other villain, the opposing game expert of the film.
5563
5564Lucas Barton: Pick any game you want. I'm good at all of them. I have 97 of them.
5565
5566Haley Brooks: You know all 97 of them?
5567
5568The Nerd: Today, there's about 800 Nintendo games, but for the time being, let's say, "Okay, Lucas ​is the master at Nintendo because he has all 97 games." You wanna be as badass as him, right? Well, you better get your parents to take out a loan, and get ya every Nintendo game.
5569
5570The Nerd: And, of course, the biggest advertisement ever in a movie: the Power Glove. He proves his radicalness by playing Rad Racer. Rock music comes on, which doesn't belong from the game. You can chop out 20 seconds of this, repackage it, and air it on TV, and there you go, it's a commercial for the Power Glove.
5571
5572Lucas Barton: I love the Power Glove. It's so bad.
5573
5574The Nerd: The Wizard was a rare instance in product placement when the prime moviegoers were interested in the product rather than the movie itself. Again, much like in Pee-Wee, it ends with a big chase through a movie studio, this time the Universal backlot, from the Monster movie sets, to where King Kong attacks the trolley. Universal Theme Park was just about to open in Florida that following year. Another endorsement? Well, it's a Universal film, so of course.
5575
5576The Nerd: The highlight is the game tournament, where the three finalists, Jimmy, Lucas, and some geeky bitch that nobody cares about [Mora Grissom], all compete in a game that nobody had even played yet! With the craziest host ever and the most epic introduction to anything in existence on the planet, this is when for the first time we set our eyes on ​Super Mario Bros. 3. Not only did it blow our minds to get a preview of this game on the big screen, but it also gave us a big tip. Who the fuck would know the first time playing to fly up over the ceiling and get the magic flute, and then to use it as a warp to get to World 4? After seeing The Wizard, we sure did.
5577
5578Sam Woods: Jimmy! Watch the mushrooms!
5579
5580The Nerd: Rather than it being a simple test of who makes it the farthest, they had some weird scoring system with knights running. How exactly do they keep score? But, who cares? This movie may be a mess, but it lives on in our hearts with a sentimental quality. Just the fact that they actually have Wizard reunions is a testament to that.
5581
5582The Nerd: But now, let's talk about Mario 3. This is gonna be short, because there's not much you can say that already hasn't been said a million times, but I'll put it blunt and simple: this game kicks your ass till diarrhea comes out your dick. The only thing better than playing this game would be to have a magic leprechaun come and bring you beer.
5583
5584The Nerd: There's 8 worlds, each with a different theme: desert, snow, sky, and my favorite is the one where everything's giant. Each of the worlds has a big map screen where you can select which level you play. At first, it's as simple as clearing each level and moving on, but later the paths become more complicated, whether it means going through pipes, breaking through boundaries, or sailing over water, but the actual levels are what it's all about. Slide through a bunch of bad guys, oh, that's so much fun.
5585
5586The Nerd: The two-player game has a perfect balance. It's where you can either work together to complete the game or just compete for items and race each other to the end. Or you could die deliberately so that the other player will have to play the hard levels.
5587
5588The Nerd: There's card games, puzzle games, and even a bonus stage where you can play the original Mario Bros. arcade. Again, this offers many possibilities to be an asshole toward the other player.
5589
5590The Nerd: The power-ups are awesome. In the original Mario there's the Mushroom and Fire Flower, but now there's the Leaf that turns you into a Raccoon. You can break blocks with your tail, or if you get a good stretch of land to run, enough to get your P-bar up, you can fly for a short period of time. But if you get the P-wing, you can fly through the whole level. There's also the P-switch that turns blocks into coins. What does "P" stand for, and why is there so much "P" in this game?? It's not full of shit, it's full of "P."
5591
5592The Nerd: What about the power-ups? You also have a Frog Suit that swims a lot easier, you got a Hammer Suit which throws hammers, and a Tanooki Suit that turns into a statue. I dunno what that's about. I mean, I know you use it to protect yourself from enemies, but man, what kind of crack were they smoking? But the really cool thing is that you can save these power-ups and use them whenever you need them. Like, before the start of the level you might think, "Eh, it's time to break out the Frog suit."
5593
5594The Nerd: The enemies in the game are out of control. You got these Goombas hopping around in wind-up boots. Then you got an angry sun, Big Bertha, and nuclear waffles. Not to mention you gotta fight all the Koopa Kids and beat Bowser at the end.
5595
5596The Nerd: Alright, going through the pipes, oh, wait, oh... BULLSHIT!! What a bunch of fucking bullshit! Come on, you piece of shit... come on, MOVE YOUR ASS!
5597
5598The Nerd: Hey, how do I get this flower over here? I dunno, I'm just gonna try to... (groans) Come on! Yeah, alright. This game's tricky-dicky. It's pretty damn hard, too.
5599
5600The Nerd: Then there's this part where the only way to reach the goal is to fly in the air, while holding a Koopa shell, and break all the blocks. Who'd even think to go up there?
5601
5602The Nerd: Especially when you get to the last world, it can get real challenging. This part doesn't fuck around. It's like, "you got to the end, you dare to play, welcome to Hell." That's what it looks like. All this fire and skulls, it looks like Hell. There's sorta like a heart shape around it. Yeah, a heart around Hell. Does that mean that this game loves Hell? This game worships the Devil. Oh, my God. Of course it does. Why is there so many inverted crosses?
5603
5604The Nerd: What's the H stand for? Hell?? How about the part with the Tarot cards? The "N"? Necronomicon?? The "P" must be Possession. Or maybe Pentagram. Well, of course, the pentagram makes an appearance everywhere. It's no doubt that the seven sons of Bowser represent the Seven Deadly Sins.
5605
5606The Nerd: You kneel before Satan on the block, and after 6 seconds, you fall through. There's 6 arrows on the possession meter, and to reach the goal, you go to the 6th door. That's 666. Everywhere you look, it's the Number of the Beast. In The Wizard, the game's introduction is basically the gates of Hell opening.
5607
5608Video Armageddon Host: Come up here, my little beauties!!
5609
5610Crowd: 6! 6! 6!
5611
5612The Nerd: Yeah, "Video Armageddon!" The Devil watches you through the whole game. The clouds have eyes, the hills have eyes. (Chuckles) Literally, "the hills have eyes." Thanks Heaven, and we know that there's no need to thank Heaven unless there's the presence of ​Hell.
5613
5614The Nerd: There's 8 worlds. In the eighth world, there's 5 spaces you can stand on where giant hands drag you down to your doom. There's 12 tanks you gotta jump on before the goal, and it takes me 12 jumps to get Bowser to fall down the hole. The 8th letter of the alphabet is H, 5 equals E, 12 equals L, what's that spell? HELL! And what's it sound like when you play the game backwards?
5615
5616(game plays backward with an ominous voice overlaid)
5617
5618The Nerd: This game's the product of the fucking Devil. And none of the other Mario games are like that, so I don't know why it's only this one. But, in conclusion, all I can say is that, other than being the total epitome of evil, Super Mario Bros. 3, it's a good game. So good, it's a sin.
5619
5620Super Mario Bros. 3: Your mother!!
5621
5622(NES Toploader floats down to the floor)
5623
5624The Nerd: Oh, my.
5625
5626(the controller is yanked off the Nerd's hands)
5627
5628Super Mario Bros. 3: (chuckles evilly)
5629
5630(slaps the Nerd with the controller, knocking off his glasses)
5631
5632Super Mario Bros. 3: (laughing)
5633
5634The Nerd: Oh, my God, it's a possessed NES!
5635
5636(Super Mario Bros. 3 burps and pukes onto the Nerd's face)
5637
5638Super Mario Bros. 3: Your mother sucks cocks in Hell!!
5639
5640(The Nerd gets angry and pulls the game out of the NES)
5641
5642The Nerd: The FUCK did you just say?
5643
5644Super Mario Bros. 3: I said, "Your mother sucks cocks in HELL!!!"
5645
5646The Nerd: (Exclaims in fear)
5647
5648(makes cross with his fingers)
5649
5650The Nerd: Go back to Hell, you evil motherfucker!!!
5651
5652Super Mario Bros. 3: Shove it up your ass, you motherfucking cocksucker!!
5653
5654The Nerd: The power of Christ compels you!!
5655
5656Super Mario Bros. 3: What an excellent fucking day for an exorcism.
5657
5658The Nerd: The power of Christ compels you!!
5659
5660Super Mario Bros. 3: (Growls)
5661
5662The Nerd: The power of Christ compels you!!
5663
5664Super Mario Bros. 3: (Snarls) Fuck your mother!!
5665
5666The Nerd: THE POWER OF SUPER MECHA DEATH CHRIST COMPELS YOU!!!
5667
5668(Super Mecha Death Christ enters)
5669
5670Super Mecha Death Christ: (Shouting) FUCKERS! FUCKERS!
5671
5672(Super Mecha Death Christ shoots Super Mario Bros. 3)
5673
5674Super Mario Bros. 3: (reversed speech that sounds like "Actually, that wasn't quite what I had in mind!")
5675
5676The Nerd: YEAH!!! SUPER MECHA DEATH CHRIST 2000 B.C. VERSION 4.0 BETA, BITCH!!
5677
5678Super Mecha Death Christ: (Yells) FUCKERS!!
5679
5680(Super Mecha Death Christ uses heat vision on Super Mario Bros. 3 and keeps shooting at Super Mario Bros. 3)
5681
5682Super Mecha Death Christ: FUCKERS!! FUCKERS!! (Shouting) FUCKERS!!! MOTHERFUCKER!!!
5683
5684(Super Mario Bros. 3 cartridge is destroyed)
5685
5686The Nerd: Holy shit.
5687
5688(Super Mecha Death Christ shoots the Nerd, who yells out the Wilhelm Scream)
5689
5690Super Mecha Death Christ: WATCH THAT FUCKING LANGUAGE!!
5691
5692(the cartridge demon appears)
5693
5694Super Mecha Death Christ: (Screams) FUCKERS!!
5695
5696(Super Mecha Death Christ and the Demon have a showdown. Then, the Demon calls out his game consoles minions.)
5697
5698(enters the Nerd on top of his air conditioner and wearing his NES Accessory Suit)
5699
5700The Nerd: All right...who wants some?!!
5701
5702(The PlayStation and 2 NES consoles start attacking the Nerd, but the Nerd has time to react by shooting them with his Super Scope)
5703
5704The Nerd: MOTHERFUCKER!!!
5705
5706(The PlayStation shoots Memory Cards, the 1st NES shoots game cartridges, and the 2nd NES console shoots fire, all going to the Nerd, but the Nerd protects himself with his cape (NES Accessory: Power Pad)
5707
5708Super Mecha Death Christ: FUCKERS!!!
5709
5710(NES controller wraps around the Nerd's leg but the Nerd shoots it with his Konami LaserScope)
5711
5712(N64 controller starts moving around and gets killed by the Nerd)
5713
5714The Nerd: MOTHERFUCKER!!!
5715
5716(The Nerd starts shooting at various game consoles, like the Coleco Vision, and Sega Saturn)
5717
5718(The Virtual Boy starts coming towards the Nerd and shoots heat vision at the Nerd, but the Nerd protects himself with the Power Pad and blows up the Virtual Boy, and the Sega Genesis)
5719
5720(The Book of the Dead starts laughing) ​
5721
5722The Nerd: WHOA, NOT YOU!!!
5723
5724(The Nerd shoots The Book of the Dead)
5725
5726(Super Mecha Death Christ and the Demon still have a showdown)
5727
5728(An SNES jumps to the Nerd, but the Nerd catches it and tears it apart.)
5729
5730(The Nerd withdraws his Super Scope and shoots the 1st NES and withdraws his left NES Zapper and shoots the Sega Master System and withdraws his right NES Zapper)
5731
5732The Nerd: I'm the lord of the harvest!!! Bring it down, bring it down!!!
5733
5734(The Nerd shoots rapidly with 2 Zappers and kills the TurboGrafx-16)
5735
5736The Nerd: (Yells wildly)
5737
5738(The Nerd destroys the 3DO, Sega Dreamcast with his Zappers.)
5739
5740(the Nerd shoots the 2nd NES and the PlayStation with his Konami Laser Scope, Zapper, and Super Scope.)
5741
5742(Now, it's the final showdown: The Nerd and Super Mecha Death Christ vs. the Demon)
5743
5744(The Nerd and Super Mecha Death Christ shoots the Demon until the Demon explodes and dies.)
5745
5746The Nerd: We ANNIHILATED 'em!
5747
5748Super Mecha Death Christ: YES, WE DID!!!
5749
5750(Super Mecha Death christ notices the Nerd's NES Accessory suit)
5751
5752Super Mecha Death Christ: WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SHIT?
5753
5754(Super Mecha Death Christ is talking about the Nerd's NES Accessory suit)
5755
5756The Nerd: Oh. All this shit? (nods) I'll tell you all about it.
5757
5758Categories:
5759Transcripts of 2008 Angry Video Game Nerd episodesTranscripts
5760Community content is available under CC-BY-SA unless otherwise noted.
5761Advertisement
5762
5763Recent Wiki Activity
5764Mike Matei
5765Gokucock • 2 days ago
5766List of Angry Video Game Nerd Adventures Hazards and Enemies
5767Prabowo Muhammad • 3 days ago
5768Transcript of AVGN Episode Universal Studios Theme Parks Adventure
5769FrankRTWiw • 3 days ago
5770James & Mike Mondays
5771HorrorFan01 • 4 days ago
5772
5773
5774
5775
5776
5777Help us grow Angry Video Game Nerd Wiki!
5778GET STARTED
5779Popular Pages
5780
5781The Angry Video Game Nerd (character)
5782
5783List of Angry Video Game Nerd episodes
5784
5785
5786Nostalgia Critic
5787
5788
5789Mike Matei
5790
5791
5792Kyle Justin
5793
5794EXPLORE PROPERTIES
5795Fandom
5796Gamepedia
5797D&D Beyond
5798Muthead
5799Futhead
5800FOLLOW US
5801OVERVIEW
5802About
5803Careers
5804Press
5805Contact
5806Terms of Use
5807Privacy Policy
5808Global Sitemap
5809Local Sitemap
5810COMMUNITY
5811Community Central
5812Support
5813Help
5814ADVERTISE
5815Media Kit
5816Contact
5817FANDOM APPS
5818Take your favorite fandoms with you and never miss a beat.
5819D&D Beyond
5820Angry Video Game Nerd Wiki is a FANDOM Movies Community.
5821Follow Fandom Wikis on TwitterJokeyPsychEndgameHonestGalaxyQuest
5822
5823~~~~~
5824
5825
5826GAMES
5827MOVIES
5828TV
5829VIDEO
5830WIKIS
5831Search
5832START A WIKI
5833Angry Video Game Nerd Wiki
5834Angry Video Game Nerd Wiki
5835592
5836PAGES
5837ADD NEW PAGE
5838POPULAR PAGES
5839COMMUNITY
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5842in:
5843Transcripts, Transcripts of 2012 Angry Video Game Nerd episodes
5844Transcript of 2012 AVGN Episode Atari Sports
5845EDIT
5846 
5847COMMENTS (8)
5848 
5849SHARE
5850MV5BYzg1MDgxODQtM2MzMi00Y2Q2LWIwZDktMWY2ODAyY2M1ZmU2XkEyXkFqcGdeQXVyMTQzMjU1NjE@. V1 
5851Atari Sports - Angry Video Game Nerd - Episode 109
5852Atari Sports - Angry Video Game Nerd - Episode 109
5853
5854The Nerd: Most of the video games I talk about are... action games, sidescrollers, games that are in the realms of fantasy. But... there's a huge, huge following for games based on sports, and I get a lot of requests for that. And, I'm not really a big fan. Because.. I don't know, I-I guess I like fantasy games more, because it's something that you couldn't do in real life, whereas a sports game, you could... go outside and play sports. It's possible. Not for me, 'cause... I don't know anything about sports. I'm a fuckin' nerd!
5855
5856The Nerd: Usually, I stick to what I know best. But sports video games have been around since video games first existed. They're not goin' away. How do I ignore it for so long? I can't. There's boxing and racing games; I don't mind those too much, but the ones we're talkin' about are all the ball games, like baseball. Look how many baseball games there are. I don't even know where to begin. "Major League", "All Stars", whatever, always named after players' names, sequels to games-- What the Hell's different this time? It's baseball. And there's basketball. NBA this and NBA that. One of the most popular games of all time is NBA Jam. Okay, it's basketball... again.
5857
5858The Nerd: Football; don't even get me started! And I'm not talkin' about the kind of football where they actually use their foot. I mean the kind where they slam into each other, like a bunch of barbarians! (pounds fist and grunts)
5859
5860The Nerd: What I don't understand is why everything is always "bowl". What, like a toilet bowl? Okay, I know at least what the Super Bowl is. It's the most anticipated football game in the season. And with so much testosterone and high energy goin' around, why is the halftime show always some pussy pop group? Get Metallica in there or somethin'; It doesn't make any sense!
5861
5862The Nerd: All right. Back to football video games. Madden, Madden, Madden. Madden '91, Madden '92, Madden '93, (He starts going through the titles rapidly) Madden '94, Madden '95, Madden '96, Madden '97, Madden '98, Madden '99, Madden 2000, Madden 2001, Madden 2002, Madden 2003-- WHO THE FUCK IS JOHN MADDEN ANYWAY?! He doesn't even look like an athlete!
5863
5864The Nerd: What is it with football? Everywhere you go, football! Go there; football! Football, football, football! Like, what the fuck?! Sunday football. Monday night football, Thursday football, Football on Thanksgiving! Football on Christmas! And out of all sports, it's the one everybody goes the most fuckin' apeshit over! MAKES 'EM ACT LIKE FUCKIN' MANIACS! (pushes games off the shelf and presses a can of Rolling Rock against his forehead while he screams angrily)
5865
5866The Nerd: (sighs) Man, I gotta calm down. All right. If I'm gonna play some sports games, I gotta start with the Atari 2600. Yeah! This is when sports games were fuckin' sports games.
5867
5868The Nerd: Look at these titles! Baseball, Basketball, Football, not this "Madden" shit. Just plain-ass, normal, everyday, no question about it, no NFL, no year, not named after a player, not named after a coach, not named after the referee's pet goldfish, no quarterback, dime-back, Nickelback, simple, ordinary, un-embellished, unmistakable, crystal clear, as frank as Frankenstein, as blunt as an atom bomb, one compound word: It's MOTHERFUCKING, GODDAMNED, SONS-OF-BITCHIN', FUCK-FUCK-FUCKIN', FOOTBALL! (slams cartridge into the system and growls)
5869
5870The Nerd: Aaand it's one of the worst games I ever played in my life. Are these football players, or are they Stormtroopers? Are they wearing helmets, or are these microwaves on their heads? Is it Team White vs. Team... Naked? Is that a crowd noise, or is it the sounds of the ocean? Is that the entire field? Yeah, it is. And it's surrounded by water, it looks like. Yeah, it's like an island. It's Football Island. (chuckles) In other words, Hell. I'm gonna make it, I'm gonna make it, yeah, yeah...! (scores a touchdown) TOUCHDOWN!
5871
5872(The Nerd screams hysterically and tackles the camera to the ground)
5873
5874The Nerd: To be fair, football games had to start somewhere. In RealSports Football and Super Challenge Football, the players look more like people, and the screen scrolls. In Super Football, there's a 3D perspective. Pretty ambitious for the Atari 2600. I'd say play this one...or the latest "Madden."
5875
5876The Nerd: Basketball, now this is some great stuff. What is this? Purple man can't jump? I love that you're dribbling a square ball. That's right, this was before circles were invented. I like how the players are constantly stomping around, like Les Claypool or Angus Young. Or perhaps like a dog, getting its belly scratched.
5877
5878The Nerd: Oh, look at this, look at this! Yeah! You can't do that in NBA Jam! You can actually keep playing after the timer runs out. This is a pretty fun game for what it is, but there's simple things they couldn't get right. If you select 1 player, you get the 2 player mode, and if you select 2 players, you get the 1 player mode. I'm not kidding.
5879
5880The Nerd: When it comes to baseball games, there's a handful of them. Like Home Run. Even though I know nothing about sports, I can tell you one thing. There's only one pitcher in baseball! What the Hell's going on here? They eat the other players! In the same way that Pac-Man eats the ghosts.
5881
5882The Nerd: Super Challenge Baseball is slightly advanced. By slightly, I mean... it's like a bunch of restroom signs got loose and started playing a game of baseball. The batter's sorta like a letter G that's been stepped on or something.
5883
5884The Nerd: Nobody has a neck and they balance the balls on their heads. But hey, it looks better than the other game, and graphics don't matter much if the game plays well. And this one... does not. It's shit. I can't figure out how to control the other players. And it's Atari. There's not too many buttons to try. Have you ever seen a game of baseball where the catcher runs out to get the ball? By the time he gets it, the batter has already run to first base, had a cup of coffee, and watched the whole Godfather trilogy.
5885
5886The Nerd: Then I tried throwing the ball back to the pitcher, but it keeps going through him. What am I supposed to do to continue the game? I guess I gotta go downstairs to home plate.
5887
5888The Nerd: RealSports Baseball is even more advanced. But the sound effects are awful. Listen.
5889
5890The Nerd: That is the sound of all-encompassing negativity. Really, what's it supposed to be? The sound of the bat cutting through space and time? Why is the batter naked? I'm not tryin' to be funny, he is naked. You can see all the other players wearing shirts and pants. The batter is naked. And they gave him a dick. Maybe it's the knee, but then where's the other knee? It's a dick. The batter is naked. Concluded.
5891
5892The Nerd: Ice Hockey. It's somewhat playable. This is a little bit of an economic version of hockey. They can only get two sticks, so when the player passes the puck to his teammate, they have to pass the stick, too.
5893
5894The Nerd: RealSports Volleyball. Your teammate is your mirror double, and can only copy your every move. When you bend over, you look like a harp. The sound of the ocean is like an atom bomb going off.
5895
5896The Nerd: The net is like nunchucks, and the sun is like Pac-Man with his mouth shut. In fact, it is. Fun game, though. Very intuitive and playable.
5897
5898The Nerd: Boxing. What is this? Geodude fighting Mr. Game & Watch in the middle of a baseball field? I gotta admit, I was pretty confused looking at this, until I figured out that it's an overhead view. All along I thought they were crabs or something. (chuckles) This is hilarious. Too bad there's no fall-down graphic, because then we could have seen their whole bodies.
5899
5900The Nerd: Let's step it up with RealSports Boxing. As the title suggests, this is the real version. The graphics are way advanced, even though you can see through the outlines on their arms, and when they get knocked down, they look like they've been squashed by a steamroller. They punch each other so hard, the sounds of their impacts resonate like a cannon blast. And one more thing: you can select your character. For the 2600, that is pretty innovative.
5901
5902The Nerd: Tennis. Playable, yes. Graphically advanced, no. Is that a net, or is it a wall? Could they not make a simple grid? Yes, they could! RealSports Tennis actually has a net. And get this: you can enter a name! Not that I care to, but it's another interesting thing to see in a 2600 game.
5903
5904The Nerd: Grand Pricks. Yeah, it's "prix," but it looks like "pricks." It's a bunch of kazoos flyin' through a cabbage patch. Not too bad. But then try out Math Grand Prix. Your car can't move until you finish a math question! You wouldn't wish this game on your worst enemies.
5905
5906The Nerd: Karate. What's up with your legs? They're multi-jointed! It's like you're fighting on a giant Combo! You know, those little pretzel bites with cheese in the middle? Yeah, I'm stretchin' now. Before there were combos in Killer Instinct, you were... mashin' the button hoping you'll eventually hit your opponent. It's crap. Moving on.
5907
5908The Nerd: International Soccer. Have 45 minutes to spare? Ugh, then I wouldn't recommend it. Let's see if Pelé's Soccer is any better. (Laughs) OH, MY GOD! (moans) Oh, man! Which one is Pelé? Let me guess, the round one. This is the only sports game I think I've ever played, where the controls are so broken it's impossible to score! Even if you purposely let your opponent come to your goal, you can't keep your goalie from automatically blockin' the ball! And when you get to the opposite goal, you can't keep your players from automatically kicking the ball all over the place! I'm not even touching the button! Stop kicking the fucking ball!
5909
5910The Nerd: Golf. (The Nerd watches the game, shocked) This...sucks. You can whack the ball until the cows come home, but that ball is not goin' anywhere you want it to. Every time I try to hit it, it goes straight up or down! I've tried approaching it from every angle possible. The club is useless. It's like the staff in Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.
5911
5912The Nerd: Oh, c'mon! Oh, my God! Get it over there! (he struggles) FUCK! And the par is 3? How could anyone do this in 3 strokes? I've actually reached 99 and rolled the counter over to 0! If I can get 3 now, would that count?
5913
5914The Nerd: And this person golfing looks like MIMAL the elf. Now I have to explain. If you look on the United States map, MIMAL is an acronym for Minnesota, Iowa, Missouri, Arkansas, and Louisiana. Spells MIMAL, and looks like an elf. With Minnesota being the hat, Louisiana being the foot. And that's MIMAL playing golf. But am I talkin' about video games here, or US geography? Let's move on.
5915
5916The Nerd: Let's try Miniature Golf. (The Nerd watches the game, twice as stunned) What the hell, man?! It's like the characters from Pong went to play golf! Ho-ho, good Lord! Oh, it's killing me! Oh, you're a square, pushing a smaller square towards another sq...(laughs) my God... I don't even know what to say about this game! Just look at it!
5917
5918The Nerd: Well, that's Atari Sports for ya. Some of these games were pretty innovative for their time, and others were... a little crappy. I think it's obvious to say that in all the years since, sports games have gotten better. So if that's the type of game you enjoy, then game on.
5919
5920The Nerd: Maybe you're the kind of person who remembers which bush to burn in The Legend of Zelda to find the labyrinth, or maybe you're the kind of person who remembers the score to some sports game years ago.
5921
5922The Nerd: Maybe you like to go around in a Star Trek uniform, or you like to go around in a sports uniform. And I don't mean like a sports T-shirt, but, the same jersey that the players in the game wear. Whatever the case, maybe, somehow, in our own ways, we're all nerds.
5923
5924Categories:
5925TranscriptsTranscripts of 2012 Angry Video Game Nerd episodes
5926Community content is available under CC-BY-SA unless otherwise noted.
5927Advertisement
5928
5929Recent Wiki Activity
5930Mike Matei
5931Gokucock • 2 days ago
5932List of Angry Video Game Nerd Adventures Hazards and Enemies
5933Prabowo Muhammad • 4 days ago
5934Transcript of AVGN Episode Universal Studios Theme Parks Adventure
5935FrankRTWiw • 4 days ago
5936James & Mike Mondays
5937HorrorFan01 • 4 days ago
5938
5939
5940
5941
5942
5943Help us grow Angry Video Game Nerd Wiki!
5944GET STARTED
5945Popular Pages
5946
5947The Angry Video Game Nerd (character)
5948
5949List of Angry Video Game Nerd episodes
5950
5951
5952Nostalgia Critic
5953
5954
5955Mike Matei
5956
5957
5958Kyle Justin
5959
5960EXPLORE PROPERTIES
5961Fandom
5962Gamepedia
5963D&D Beyond
5964Muthead
5965Futhead
5966FOLLOW US
5967OVERVIEW
5968About
5969Careers
5970Press
5971Contact
5972Terms of Use
5973Privacy Policy
5974Global Sitemap
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5978Support
5979Help
5980ADVERTISE
5981Media Kit
5982Contact
5983FANDOM APPS
5984Take your favorite fandoms with you and never miss a beat.
5985D&D Beyond
5986Angry Video Game Nerd Wiki is a FANDOM Movies Community.
5987Follow Fandom Wikis on TwitterJokeyPsychEndgameHonestGalaxyQuest
5988
5989~~~~~
5990
5991
5992GAMES
5993MOVIES
5994TV
5995VIDEO
5996WIKIS
5997Search
5998START A WIKI
5999Advertisement
6000
6001Angry Video Game Nerd Wiki
6002Angry Video Game Nerd Wiki
6003592
6004PAGES
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6010in:
6011Transcripts, Transcripts of 2010 Angry Video Game Nerd Episodes
6012Transcript of AVGN Episode Game Glitches
6013EDIT
6014 
6015COMMENTS (4)
6016 
6017SHARE
6018MV5BY2E2ZWNiNmQtNDQ2Yy00MjlkLWE2YTItZGM3ZjVhYzMyZTE1XkEyXkFqcGdeQXVyMTQzMjU1NjE@. V1 
6019Game Glitches - Angry Video Game Nerd (AVGN)
6020Game Glitches - Angry Video Game Nerd (AVGN)
6021
6022(The Angry Video Game Nerd Theme starts, but pauses. It resumes, but repeats a clip. It then messes up by force, causing the line "to play the shitty" to turn into "To the play the shiiiiiiiiiiiii." It then splits into 2 screens and resumes in slow motion, and later when it gets to suck, it turns into Suuuuuuuuuuuuuu. The image is also in black in white. It resumes slow motion, but suddenly disappears in a white flash. A crash is heard.)
6023
6024(The title screen then shows up as we hear the 8-bit music from "Blaster Master.")
6025
6026(The Nerd inserts "Pac-Man" into the Nintoaster. He turns it on, but as soon as the title screen of "Pac-Man" shows up, it is messed up. The Nerd looks at it, and it cuts to several glitches like the messed up "Pac-Man" logo and the misspelling of Player into Playar. He takes out the game, blows into it several times, and inserts it back in, but sees yet another glitch, showing the ghosts names messed up. It even shows the words character and nickname misspelled. All of the nicknames seen are misspelled except for Pinky. The Nerd is surprised. It then cuts to a messed up "Pac-Man" level with a weird "Pac-Man" and weird ghosts, with one of the ghosts staying the same. The Nerd takes out the "​Pac-Man" game and throws it backwards. He then takes out another game, blows on it several times, and inserts it in into the Nintoaster. The title screen for "Super Team Games" shows up, but after a while, it suddenly glitches in some weird line style. The music also beeps. The Nerd is shocked.)
6027
6028The Nerd: Don't you just hate it when that happens? You'll be playin' a game, and then all of a sudden, it starts glitching up!
6029
6030(The Nerd inserts "Metal Gear" into the Nintoaster, only to see the title screen messed up.)
6031
6032The Nerd: Oh, come on, Metal Gear's fuckin' up now?
6033
6034The Nerd: You blow in the game, (the Nerd blows into the game) jiggle it around, (the Nerd tries to use it with the toploader) use different consoles, but it still doesn't work. (The Nerd tries to use it with the original NES.)
6035
6036The Nerd: You know when this happens, that means that there's something inside your game. Something that wants to reduce the graphics into a pixelated mish-mash of garbage. You're dealing with...a Game Graphic Glitch Gremlin.
6037
6038(The Glitch Gremlin, played by Kevin Finn, who played the Ninja in the "Ninja Gaiden" episode, appears in front of a glitched image.)
6039
6040Glitch Gremlin: (Laughing) Good day to you, Nerd, how are you? Good day sir. As you know, I'm the Glitch Gremlin. And, I've got glitches in me britches for you, Nerd! I've got- (starts speaking gibberish)
6041
6042(The Nerd gets furious.)
6043
6044The Nerd: I'm gonna lay the fucksmack on you! You think I can't still play?
6045
6046(The Glitch Gremlin appears again in another glitched image.)
6047
6048Glitch Gremlin: Wouldn't you say it's a Goddamn work of art? All the earth tones, the browns, the greens, it's just like Mother Nature. I like to bring it into the room.
6049
6050The Nerd: It's ugly, like your mom!
6051
6052(The glitched image is so glitched that the Nerd dies. The Glitch Gremlin laughs.)
6053
6054The Nerd: (angrily) You son of a bitch!
6055
6056(The Nerd takes out "Metal Gear", accompanied by the "Metal Gear" Game Over Music, and sees the Glitch Gremlin emerge from the cartridge.)
6057
6058Glitch Gremlin: Oh, try and switch the game as you might, but I can switch me glitches tonight!
6059
6060(The Nerd throws the game, causing the Glitch Gremlin to fly to the left. The Nerd inserts "Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!!", but when it gets to the "Mike is waiting for your challenge!" screen, it turns into a glitched mess. Mike Tyson's image turns into black smear over a brown background, and the rest of the screen turned to light blue. Mike Tyson's name is also messed up. The Nerd is surprised. The Glitch Gremlin appears in the glitched image.)
6061
6062Glitch Gremlin: And here we have Punch-Out!! with Iron Mike Tyson. I just ironed out his face.
6063
6064(The camera zooms in on Mike Tyson's ironed-out face.)
6065
6066Glitch Gremlin: How do you like that? We'll call him Shit-Faced Mike Tyson.
6067
6068The Nerd: You little fuck-nugget! Get outta my game!
6069
6070(The Nerd takes out the game, and blows into it. But the Glitch Gremlin emerges from the cartridge again, this time with a broom. The Nerd is surprised.)
6071
6072Glitch Gremlin: Oh, you've been blowin' the dust out, I spent all day trying to get it in there! Well, if you're gonna blow it, why don't you blow me?
6073
6074(The Nerd blows the Glitch Gremlin to the left and inserts the game back in, but as soon as the match starts, it turns into yet another mess of glitches. Mac and Mario have turned into white, and Bald Bull has turned into black. The background is also mixed with blue and black. The Nerd is pissed and shocked. The Glitch Gremlin appears in the glitched image.)
6075
6076Glitch Gremlin: I shit all over it, with me glitches. (smiles)
6077
6078(The Nerd is angry.)
6079
6080The Nerd: I almost wonder if the Glitch Gremlin had a deal with game companies to sell you all kinds of cleaning devices that you don't need. I mean, would you really need this to clean out a game? It's just as good for cleanin' out your ass!
6081
6082(He takes out the game.)
6083
6084The Nerd: I'll show you how to clean these fuckers out. Get yourself a Q-Tip...
6085
6086(The Glitch Gremlin is surprised.)
6087
6088Glitch Gremlin: Oh! Not the Q-Tip!
6089
6090The Nerd: ...put a little cleaning solution at the end like that. You don't want too much, you don't want too much moisture in the game.
6091
6092(The Glitch Gremlin is scared of the Q-Tip.)
6093
6094Glitch Gremlin: Keep the Q-Tip away! Keep it away!
6095
6096The Nerd: And, Glitch Gremlin, be gone!
6097
6098(The Nerd throws the game, but the Glitch Gremlin lands on the floor.)
6099
6100Glitch Gremlin: Oh! You're a real asshole! I'll be back!
6101
6102The Nerd: (sarcastically) Yeah. (normally) Of course, some glitches can happen because of programming errors, and can be triggered on command. So for those who want to be a Glitch Gremlin yourself, here's a trick you can try at home.
6103
6104(Cut to "Mega Man 2.")
6105
6106The Nerd: In Mega Man 2, go to the Air Man stage. Make sure you're equipped with Item #1. Now it's time to fight Air Man. But instead, let's surprise the fuck outta him. Use Item 1 to touch the door, and see what happens.
6107
6108(Mega Man touches the door, and the camera then pans to the left to see a glitched up image.)
6109
6110The Nerd: Wow. Have you ever wondered what it would look like if the Air Man stage and Dr. Wily stage, Part 2 got thrown together in a blender?
6111
6112The Nerd: Speaking of Mega Man, I had a unique experience with the 5th game. It happened a long time ago, and I doubt it will ever happen again. Fortunately, I have the evidence recorded on a VHS tape.
6113
6114The Nerd: It was a long night and I was Hell-bent on finishing the game. I made it to one of the final bosses. Under normal circumstances, I should've been able to see the giant pieces that fly out from the robot's body, and been able to use them as platforms. But the Glitch Gremlin was playing dirty that night. He knew I made it far, and that there was no continue code for this late in the game.
6115
6116The Nerd: This was my first time trying to beat Mega Man V. So, imagine my confusion when I kept getting struck by invisible objects. The platforms were invisible. But they appeared to be stationary on the robot. Just an illusion. Graphical dummies meant to fool me and to sabotage my entire night's effort.
6117
6118The Nerd: My only option was to reset the game, but I couldn't accept that, so I pushed on. I kept jumping at the air blindly. 9 times out of 10, I'd get hit. Finally, after much patience, I got the invisible pattern down and was able to destroy the boss. And that was a great moment in Nerd history.
6119
6120Glitch Gremlin: That's impossible! I never seen anything like it!
6121
6122The Nerd: I should get a gold medal.
6123
6124The Nerd: Sometimes, games can be unpredictable. Cheetahmen II is a prime example where the whole game is a glitch.
6125
6126The Nerd: As already described in my Cheetahmen review, after you beat the 4th level boss, you get stuck in limbo, so there's no way to play the last two levels, unless by a freak accident. If a blue moon occurs on Friday the 13th and all the planets align, the game will actually start up on the missing levels. The frustrating part is that now I have no choice to play it. It's not like that this is gonna happen again.
6127
6128The Nerd: So it's like I gotta sit my ass down and play the two hardest to find, most mysterious levels in video game history, in what's already one of the rarest games in existence. Heh. What a privilege. Oh, and guess what, it sucks. Yeah. Just like the rest of the game. Both levels are called Level 3, so that's four level 3's in total.
6129
6130The Nerd: The final boss just runs back and forth, you stand there, hit him 'til he's dead, and after that, what happens? (Nothing happens. No ending plays and the cheetah is stuck on the stage.) You guessed it. Now, if I ever have to talk about Action 52 and Cheetahmen again, I'm gonna staple my fuckin' ballsack to the ceiling.
6131
6132The Nerd: Double Dragon was a game I played so much, I used to find weird things all the time. If you touch the wall on the first level, you can become a human elevator. And if you bring the whip up there, you can do this.
6133
6134(As Billy unleashes the whip, he falls down backwards.)
6135
6136The Nerd: Call them glitches or Easter eggs, whether intentional or not, sometimes they can be helpful. Don't feel like fighting the boss at the end of stage 2? Well, don't. Just walk away. He doesn't even try to follow you as if saying, "Fine, you fuckin' pussy!"
6137
6138The Nerd: Tired of fighting those big muscle men? Just climb the wall. He's like, "Oh, fuck that! I ain't going up there!"
6139
6140(Cut to "Super Mario Bros.")
6141
6142The Nerd: Probably the most famous of all video game secrets is the warp zone in Super Mario Bros. It first came as mild amusement when gamers found you can break the blocks all the way up on the ceiling. Then the moment of discovery came when you found out you can actually get above the ceiling.
6143
6144The Nerd: Wasn't that hilarious to see Mario running in front of the scoreboard? But that was only the beginning. If you went past the exit, you ended up in a warp zone where you can skip to different worlds. But then, somebody who had way too much time on their hands found out that if you break some of the blocks and perform a very specific jump, you can actually slide through the wall.
6145
6146The Nerd: This still takes you to the warp zone just the same, unless you don't walk too far. If you jump into the first pipe right away, it takes you to World -1. Well, it's just an underwater world that repeats in an endless loop. There's also an interesting thing known as the Double Death. If you die on a Hammer Brother, try pausing and unpausing.
6147
6148(The death music starts and then repeats.)
6149
6150The Nerd: Let's check out Mario 2. (Super Mario Bros. 2) This game is so much fun. Lifting enemies over your head and slamming them into one another? So cool. (grunts) Fuck 'em up!
6151
6152(Toad throws a Tweeter and throws a Shy Guy on top of the first enemy. The Shy Guy hits the Tweeter, and they both fly up and off the screen.)
6153
6154The Nerd: Whoa! What happened? Let's try that again.
6155
6156(Toad does the same thing again, although Toad throws Shy Guy first and Tweeter second, but this time he jumps on top of the Tweeter and Shy Guy, and Toad dies once he touches the top edge of the screen.)
6157
6158The Nerd: Oh!
6159
6160The Nerd: I love these POW blocks. They wipe out all living creatures in sight. There's that classic trick where you go in that little dark world, you pick one up, and wait for time to run out. And now, you have twice the POW. It's doomsday for this place.
6161
6162(Toad throws the POW into the ground, and the log carries Toad up and the log disappears)
6163
6164The Nerd: Oh, no! It changes gravity!
6165
6166(Toad falls to his death)
6167
6168The Nerd: The destructive force of the POW block is so intense, the rest of the game can't handle it. Turtle shells and different objects fly all over the place.
6169
6170(Toad throws the POW block and Toad tries to lift the Bob-Omb, but it disappears because of the POW block.)
6171
6172The Nerd: What happened? Where'd the Bob-Omb go? It, like, dropped through the floor. Hmmm, I wonder where that Bob-Omb went?
6173
6174(Toad enters the room and once inside, he gets killed by the explosion caused by the Bob-Omb)
6175
6176The Nerd: Agh! Bob-Omb, Bob-Omb!
6177
6178The Nerd: You know that annoying Phanto fucker? That face that chases you around whenever you get the key? Don't you hate that thing? Haven't you always wanted to kill it? Well, here's how. You collect exactly four cherries, and four vegetables. Get the key, let the bastard chase you somewhere where you can get a time stopper.
6179
6180The Nerd: Now, get one more cherry to make the star appear. And hurry up. Time's runnin' out!
6181
6182(Toad gets the star, and eventually kills the Phanto)
6183
6184The Nerd: Ungh! Ye-heah! Got him! Finally killed that ass-face!
6185
6186The Nerd: Movin' on to Mario 3. (Super Mario Bros. 3) Yeah, might as well. The Glitch Gremlin usually stays away from this one. Yeah, it's a little too crowded with demonic possessions. But, nevertheless, it has a share glitches that you can perform for yourself, like Sand Diving, and Air Walking.
6187
6188The Nerd: As for Super Mario World, there's a neat trick here too. Go to Chocolate Island 3, get to the goal. Instead of jumping up like normal, you release Yoshi in mid-air. The screen is still fixated on where Yoshi was, and you can only see Mario's legs. But that's only the beginning.
6189
6190The Nerd: Wow. The stability of all the colors in this world depend on Mario and Yoshi making that jump correctly.
6191
6192The Nerd: For some reason, gamers enjoy finding these kind of glitches. Maybe it's because we take pride in finding flaws that the programmers overlooked. Or, maybe it's just because, we like playing outside the rules to go exploring.
6193
6194The Nerd: Well, for the boldest of explorers, there's Mountain King on the Atari 2600. Getting tired of the same old platforms and ladders? Wouldn't you like to go to a whole new higher level of gameplay? Literally? By performing a very specific jump, you can launch the character higher than usual. Then, you have to land on a very specific spot. If you're one pixel off, it doesn't work. And sometimes, it doesn't work anyway.
6195
6196The Nerd: You have to keep holding the joystick in the direction you're jumping, and release it at the precise moment.
6197
6198The Nerd: Now, welcome to Glitch Heaven. A vast world without logic. A place of not only of sight and sound, but of mind.
6199
6200(the "Twilight Zone" theme plays as the camera zooms in on the character)
6201
6202The Nerd: By playing with all the switches on the Atari console, you can cause the layout to change. You can also plug different controllers into the second port like the paddles, or even the keypad.
6203
6204The Nerd: You can even try the ColecoVision controller, or Sega Genesis. It's like a mad scientist experiment.
6205
6206The Nerd: I tried for hours, and I still haven't been able to find everything. There's been reports of the screen flickering, the character changing size, and strange unknown objects.
6207
6208The Nerd: Will you be the next adventurer to discover the unexplored secrets of Glitch Heaven?
6209
6210(the character puts his arms up in an "I don't know" kind of way.)
6211
6212The Nerd: From the old days of gaming until the new, it seems like game glitches will always be around.
6213
6214The Nerd: In Zelda: Twilight Princess on Wii, I was jumping around when, somehow, I got stuck in a roof. Unfortunately, I didn't have it recorded in the act, but I sure did try to recreate it: It couldn't be done.
6215
6216The Nerd: Let's play Rocky on the PS2.
6217
6218(The Glitch Gremlin enters, and laughs evilly)
6219
6220The Nerd: Not you again!
6221
6222(Cut to the match, where the audience has turns into transforming squares.)
6223
6224The Nerd: What happened to the audience?!
6225
6226Glitch Gremlin: Well, you sure packed quite a crowd tonight, Nerd! You sure did! Standing-room only, full house of glitches! (imitates boxing match ring) In this corner, we have, weighing in at zero pounds and zero ounces, nothing! In this corner, we've got much of the same: Nothing!
6227
6228The Nerd: No...
6229
6230Glitch Gremlin: Can you hear that?
6231
6232(The line, "Next up is a fight" repeats.)
6233
6234Glitch Gremlin: What's that sound? Huh? Hmm? It's a sound of a glitch. Your glitch. Enjoy it.
6235
6236(The Nerd keeps hearing the line "Next up is a fight" repeat, until he resets the PS2)
6237
6238Glitch Gremlin: No. No use resetting. Not gonna do a thing.
6239
6240The Nerd: Eh, fuck you. It's workin' now.
6241
6242(As the announcer introduces Spider Rico, he collapses to the floor.)
6243
6244The Nerd: What was that?
6245
6246Glitch Gremlin: I put him to the floor! That's a good one. Good one, Glitch Gremlin!
6247
6248Announcer: ...from Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, Rocky Balboa!
6249
6250(Rocky also collapses, only to find his body messed up after he collapses. The Nerd is shocked. Cut to various Rocky boxers collapsing to the floor.)
6251
6252Glitch Gremlin: Oh, yeah! I'm glitching! Get down, you bad self! Get down! Get down! Get down! Whoo!
6253
6254The Nerd: Wow, I've never seen a game this fucked up.
6255
6256(The Nerd cleans the game, as we see the Glitch Gremlin in the disc.)
6257
6258Glitch Gremlin: Not gonna work. Not gonna work. What time is it? Not-gonna-work-o'clock.
6259
6260(Cut to Rocky with his eyes popped out and a weird mouth.)
6261
6262Glitch Gremlin: In this corner, we have Bug-Eyed Balboa!
6263
6264The Nerd: What happened to his mouth?
6265
6266Glitch Gremlin: His eyes are poppin' out! (cut to Spider Rico with his jaw missing) And in that corner, we've got Spider Rico, with no jaw!
6267
6268The Nerd: They're like zombies. What is this? Rocky: The Undead Edition? You are really one sick fuck, you know that? I'm gonna try Clubber Lang.
6269
6270Glitch Gremlin: Oh, Clubber Lang! That could be a good one. Let's see what else I got up my sleeves. Oh, I'm not wearing any, but for my final showstopper, feast yer eyes on this!
6271
6272(Cut to Clubber Lang, in a tall, glitched version. His shoe and boxing gloves are on top of his head and he is walking on one leg. The Glitch Gremlin laughs, while the Nerd is shocked and drops his controller)
6273
6274The Nerd: (shocked) It's a Clubber-Fuck!
6275
6276(The Glitch Gremlin folds his hands and shakes them in a celebratory fashion)
6277
6278Crowd: (Chanting) Clubber! Clubber! Clubber!
6279
6280(While the crowd is chanting "Clubber!", he falls to the floor and turns into a pile of glitches. Having had enough, the Nerd takes out the disc. He looks at it in anger. The Glitch Gremlin gives him a piercing stare.)
6281
6282Glitch Gremlin: (Hums)
6283
6284(The Nerd breaks the disc.)
6285
6286The Nerd: (Sighs in relief) I need a beer.
6287
6288Glitch Gremlin: Oh, you want to play dirty, do ya? Ping!
6289
6290(The Glitch Gremlin turns his beer bottle into pixels.)
6291
6292Glitch Gremlin: How do ya like that? Sip on an ice... cool bottle of glitch. Ping!
6293
6294(The Glitch Gremlin turns his couch into a bunch of nonsense words.)
6295
6296Glitch Gremlin: A nice comfy couch of pixelated glitch! Glitch! Glitch! Ping! (turns his ceiling into a wave like movement) Ping! (turns his arcade toys into pixelated words) Glitch! (makes the DK toy's eyes big) Glitch! (makes the head of the Mario toy huge with multiples coming out) Glitch glitch glitch! Ping! Ping! (Makes his TV and NES collection disappear) Ping! Ping! Glitch! Glitch! Glitch! Glitch! (turns his door into an eye, turns his room into one big glitch, and also the Nerd.)
6297
6298Categories:
6299TranscriptsTranscripts of 2010 Angry Video Game Nerd Episodes
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6366
63672020/02/16	
6368WWE NXT TakeOver: Portland
6369Webcast	7.800	
6370OK
6371OK
63722019/06/25	
6373WWE SmackDown Live #1037
6374TV Show	2.500	
6375OK
6376OK
63772019/02/04	
6378WWE RAW #1341
6379TV Show	-	
6380OK
6381OK
63822018/10/02	
6383WWE SmackDown Live #999
6384TV Show	-	
6385OK
6386OK
63872018/02/16	
6388WWE @ Portland
6389Misc.	-	
6390OK
6391OK
63922017/10/16	
6393WWE RAW #1273
6394TV Show	-	
6395OK
6396OK
63972017/02/06	
6398WWE RAW #1237
6399TV Show	-	
6400OK
6401OK
64022016/10/08	
6403WWE @ Portland
6404Misc.	2.700	
6405OK
6406OK
64072016/10/01	
6408UFC Fight Night: Lineker vs. Dodson
6409TV Show	6.240	
6410OK
6411OK
64122016/05/14	
6413WWE NXT @ Portland
6414Misc.	2.783	
6415OK
6416OK
64172016/02/09	
6418WWE TV-Taping @ Portland
6419Misc.	5.077	
6420OK
6421OK
64222015/08/11	
6423WWE TV-Taping @ Portland
6424Misc.	-	
6425OK
6426OK
64272015/03/15	
6428WWE @ Portland
6429Misc.	3.200	
6430OK
6431OK
64322014/08/11	
6433WWE RAW #1107
6434TV Show	-	
6435OK
6436OK
64372013/12/10	
6438WWE TV-Taping @ Portland
6439Misc.	-	
6440OK
6441OK
64422013/08/16	
6443WWE @ Portland
6444Misc.	6.500	
6445OK
6446OK
64472012/07/14	
6448Strikeforce Rockhold vs. Kennedy
6449TV Show	4.186	
6450OK
6451OK
64522012/02/27	
6453WWE RAW #979
6454TV Show	-	
6455OK
6456OK
64572011/05/23	
6458WWE RAW #939
6459TV Show	7.500	
6460OK
6461OK
64622010/10/12	
6463WWE TV-Taping @ Portland
6464Misc.	-	
6465OK
6466OK
64672010/07/10	
6468SportFight XXVII: Boiling Point
6469Misc.	-	
6470OK
6471OK
64722010/05/21	
6473ShoMMA - Strikeforce Challengers: Lindland vs. Casey
6474TV Show	-	
6475OK
6476OK
64772010/03/08	
6478WWE RAW #876
6479TV Show	-	
6480OK
6481OK
64822009/08/29	
6483UFC 102: Couture vs. Nogueira
6484Major	16.088	
6485OK
6486OK
64872009/02/17	
6488WWE TV-Taping @ Portland
6489Misc.	-	
6490OK
6491OK
64922008/10/05	
6493WWE No Mercy 2008
6494Major	10.000	
6495OK
6496OK
64972008/09/19	
6498SportFight XXIV: Domination
6499TV Show	-	
6500OK
6501OK
65022008/06/20	
6503SportFight XXIII: Heated Rivals
6504TV Show	-	
6505OK
6506OK
65072008/04/18	
6508SportFight XXII: Re-Awakening
6509TV Show	-	
6510OK
6511OK
65122007/12/22	
6513SportFight XXI: Seasons Beatings
6514Misc.	-	
6515OK
6516OK
65172007/10/27	
6518SportFight XX: Homecoming
6519Misc.	-	
6520OK
6521OK
65222007/05/05	
6523SportFight XIX: Cinco de Mayhem
6524Misc.	-	
6525OK
6526OK
65272007/02/12	
6528WWE TV-Taping @ Portland
6529Misc.	-	
6530OK
6531OK
65322007/01/06	
6533SportFight XVIII: Turning Point
6534Misc.	-	
6535OK
6536OK
65372006/09/09	
6538IFL @ Portland
6539Misc.	5.349	
6540OK
6541OK
65422006/08/05	
6543SportFight XVII: Hot Zone
6544Misc.	-	
6545OK
6546OK
65472006/05/30	
6548WWE TV-Taping @ Portland
6549Misc.	-	
6550OK
6551OK
65522006/04/08	
6553SportFight XV: A Tribute to Randy Couture
6554Misc.	-	
6555OK
6556OK
65572006/01/06	
6558SportFight XIV: Resolution
6559Misc.	-	
6560OK
6561OK
65622005/09/16	
6563SportFight XII: Breakout
6564Misc.	-	
6565OK
6566OK
65672005/07/09	
6568SportFight XI: Rumble at the Rose Garden
6569Misc.	-	
6570OK
6571OK
65722005/06/17	
6573WWE RAW @ Portland
6574Misc.	4.000	
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6576OK
65772004/09/12	
6578WWE Unforgiven 2004
6579Major	10.000	
6580OK
6581OK
65822004/09/12	
6583WWE Sunday Night Heat
6584TV Show	-	
6585OK
6586OK
65872004/02/09	
6588WWE RAW #559
6589TV Show	-	
6590OK
6591OK
65922003/11/23	
6593WWE SmackDown @ Portland
6594Misc.	-	
6595OK
6596OK
65972003/05/31	
6598WWE RAW @ Portland